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popmovie888 · 2 years

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Shanghai Grand เจ้าพ่อเซี่ยงไฮ้ เดอะ มูฟวี่ (1996) พากย์ไทย

Shanghai Grand เจ้าพ่อเซี่ยงไฮ้ เดอะ มูฟวี่ (1996) นักแสดง - Andy Lauรับบทเป็น Ting Lik (丁力) กรรมกรผู้ทะเยอทะยานที่ใฝ่ฝันจะเป็นผู้นำกลุ่ม สำคัญ หลังจากสังหาร Boss Wing หัวหน้าแก๊ง Axe เขาก็บรรลุความฝันและผงาดขึ้นเป็นผู้นำสามกลุ่มที่ทรงพลัง ได้รับชื่อเสียงและโชคลาภ - Leslie Cheungแสดงเป็น Hui Man-keung (許文強) ตัวแทนของ Taiwan People's League (台灣民族同盟會) ผู้มุ่งมั่นที่จะกำจัดกองทหารญี่ปุ่นที่ตั้งใจจะรุกรานจีน - Ning Jingแสดงเป็น Fung Ching-ching (馮程程) ลูกสาวของ Fung King-yiu เจ้าพ่ออาชญากรรายใหญ่ที่สุดของเซี่ยงไฮ้ และเป็นที่รักของ Ting และ Hui แม้ว่าเธอจะรักกันก็ตาม - Wu Hsing-kuo แสดงเป็น Fung King-yiu (馮敬堯) เจ้าพ่ออาชญากรที่มีอำนาจมากที่สุดในเซี่ยงไฮ้ ผู้ทรยศต่อชาวญี่ปุ่น - Lau Shun รับบทเป็น ลุง Lau (柳叔) พ่อบ้านของ Fung - Amanda Leeรับบทเป็น Lai-man (麗文老師) อาจารย์ส่วนตัวของ Ching-ching ที่แอบชอบ Ting - Almen Wong รับบทเป็นนักฆ่าหญิงชาวญี่ปุ่นที่ทำงานให้กับ Fung - Chan Kin-yat รับบทเป็น "Shorty" Chiu (矮仔超) ผู้นำสามคนที่อวดดีที่ดูถูก Ting และดูแคลนเขา - Jung Woo-sungในฐานะตัวแทนของสันนิบาตประชาชนไต้หวัน - Lee Kin-yanรับบทเป็น ลูกน้องของ Ting Lik - Tse Liu-shut รับบทเป็น ลูกน้องของ Ting Lik - Yip Chun แสดงเป็น Brother Four (四哥) หัวหน้ากลุ่มสามที่ถูก Ting ลอบสังหาร - Wong Ming-sing รับบทเป็น ลูกน้องของ Fung King-yiu - อึ้งเฟยกิต - เหลียงกาชุน - เชิงคัมบง - ปัก ฮัม-ยัต - ไหง ซังซิว Shanghai Grandหรือที่รู้จักในชื่อ Shanghai Grand 1996 เพื่อแยกความแตกต่างของภาพยนตร์เรื่องนี้จาก ซีรีส์โทรทัศน์ชื่อเดียวกันในปี 1980ที่โด่งดังกว่าใน ปี 1980 เป็นภาพยนตร์ ดราม่าอาชญากรรมแอคชั่นฮ่องกง ปี 1996กำกับโดย Poon Man-kit นำแสดงโดย Andy Lau , Leslie Cheungและหนิง จิง . ภาพยนตร์เรื่องนี้กำกับโดย Poon Man-kit และอำนวยการสร้างโดยTsui Hark และ Film Workshopบริษัทผู้ผลิตของเขา เป็นการดัดแปลงอย่างหลวม ๆ จากซีรีส์โทรทัศน์เรื่องThe Bundในปี 1980 ในหลาย ๆ ด้าน แม้ว่าจะทำโดยการเล่าเหตุการณ์ในสามส่วน โดยแต่ละส่วนจะมีตัวละครหลักของภาพยนตร์เรื่องนี้ Leslie Cheungได้รับเลือกให้เป็น Hui Man-keung ตัวเอกดั้งเดิมของThe Bundในขณะที่Andy Lauได้รับเลือกให้เป็นตัวเอกของภาพยนตร์เรื่องนี้ - Ting Lik เพื่อนสนิทของ Hui ซึ่งเป็นผู้นำ สามกลุ่มที่มีความหมายดี แต่ค่อนข้างไร้เดียงสาที่ไม่สนุกเมื่อ Hui ตกหลุมรัก รักกับผู้หญิงคนเดียวกับความรักของเขา หนิงจิงแสดงความรักที่พวกเขาสนใจ Fung Ching-ching เรื่องราวเกิดขึ้นที่เซี่ยงไฮ้ในยุคสาธารณรัฐเมื่อเมืองนี้ถูกปกครองโดยกลุ่มสามกลุ่มไม่นานก่อนที่ญี่ปุ่นจะถูกยึดครองในสงครามจีน-ญี่ปุ่นครั้งที่สอง Shanghai Grand เจ้าพ่อเซี่ยงไฮ้ เดอะ มูฟวี่ (1996) พวกอันธพาลมีอยู่มากมายในละครแนวอาชญากรรมโรแมนติกที่มีชีวิตชีวาซึ่งเกิดขึ้นในเซี่ยงไฮ้ในช่วงสงครามโลกครั้งที่ 2 เรื่องราวของผู้รักชาติชาวไต้หวัน Hsu Wen-Chiang เริ่มต้นขึ้นเมื่อเขาถูกซัดขึ้นไปที่ชายหาดใกล้กับเซี่ยงไฮ้ เขาถูกพาตัวไปโดย Ting Lik ขอทานผู้ใจดีที่รัก Feng Ching-Ching ลูกสาวของนักเลงที่มีชื่อเสียง ดูหนังออนไลน์ ไม่นานก่อนที่ Ting Lik จะประสบความสำเร็จในการก้าวขึ้นสู่อันดับโลกใต้พิภพเพื่อเป็นหนึ่งในอันธพาลที่ทรงพลังที่สุดของเมือง Hsu อยู่ข้างเขาตลอดทางและใช้พลังของตัวเองเพื่อแก้แค้นผู้ที่พยายามจะให้เขาฆ่าก่อนหน้านี้มาก ภาพยนตร์เรื่องนี้เน้นไปที่การหาประโยชน์จาก Feng ซึ่งมีความสัมพันธ์กับ Hsu มานานแล้วเมื่อเขาอยู่บนลำในภาคเหนือของจีน ย้อนกลับไปในปัจจุบัน Hsu และ Feng ได้พบกันอีกครั้งโดยบังเอิญและทั้งคู่ก็กลับมาคบกันอีกครั้ง จนกระทั่ง Hsu รู้ว่าพ่อของ Feng เป็นหนึ่งในศัตรูของเขาและฆ่าเขา เฟิงผู้น่าสงสารกลายเป็นคนบ้าด้วยความเศร้าโศก ติงรู้เรื่องและสาบานว่าจะแก้แค้นซู Read the full article

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xiaolin-chronicles-recaps · 6 years

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Episode 3 - The Fall of Xiaolin

In which all the stupid little non-conflicts finally collide into one big non-conflict, Omi proves how badly he needs to be left by the side of the highway and fend for himself, and nothing will ever be good or beautiful again!

Hey, I haven’t talked about the new theme song yet!

...Oh, right, because it’s boring and unmemorable. It’s irrevocably yoked to Xiaolin Showdown’s without being half as interesting, a pale and wain shadow of the thing it’s meant to be invoking. In that way, and no others, it’s perfect.

We open with a quick recap of the last episode. And when I say quick, I mean it’s maybe two sentences. Almost like absolutely nothing important happened! Before you can say “is this animation of Omi in the vault recycled or flagrantly recycled,” we cut to the monks in a training session. Raimundo walks by on two fingers, a reference to the first episode of Showdown that turns to bitter ash in my mouth. Omi comes out with two bags stuffed with Shen Gong Wu and announces it’s time to train with them. Raimundo becomes my favorite by asking why they can’t go to the vault themselves and get their own stupid Wu. Omi decides Raimundo does not deserve a real answer as he is beneath contempt.

Kimiko asks to train with the Medusa Comb (Tangle Web Comb) and Omi tells her no, she gets the Wuzzy Bunny (Woozy Shooter). OK, the reasoning behind only Omi knowing where the vault was shaky as hell, but maybe, MAYBE, you could make the argument that it was to prevent situations like exactly what is happening with Willow right now. Can’t go to each monk in turn until one cracks. But there is absolutely no goddamn reason that Omi should be allowed to assign monks their Wu. What has Omi actually done so far to deserve that honor? No, wait, more fundamentally, are they or are they not the same fucking rank? Even if Omi is leader- which again, he has shown no aptitude for considering he barely listens to a word from the people who are ostensibly his best friends and every single event would have gone smoother were he not around- he is not a Master.

Hark, what’s that? Could it be? The sound of a tangent comin’ ‘round the corner? Well, you can probably tell by now that I’m hardly a wordy or long-winded person, but as long as we’re on the subject of masters...what the hell does Master Fung even do? In Showdown he was a, y’know, Master. He guided the training. He gave advice. He broke up fights. The monks confided in him. He was a font of wisdom and power and he deeply respected and cared for his charges. Granted, we saw very little of his inner life outside of a few gags, but it was very clear that he was a caring and gentle man, even within his duty to train four very young teenagers to handle extremely taxing hardship. Hell, he’s Omi’s only parental figure!

The Fung in Chronicles is...well, he is. He very is. He is there. Mostly, he takes up space. Often allows the monks to flounder around until they trip over some sort of lesson. Lets an emotionally dependent dragon wait on him hand and foot while he performs the very un-warrior-monk activity of lounging. The only two things of note I can remember him doing so far (and like hell I’m going back and rewatching this tripe) is shutting down Clay’s entirely logical and fair suggestion with an animatronic-fortune-teller-level banality and making some vague noises about humility in Omi’s direction. And if you think this Fung will eventually stop putting the ass in Master, you have a serious correction coming.

Anyway, Kimiko gets the Wuzzy Bunny and...asks what it does.

OK, can we get through even five seconds of this without having to stop cold so I can point out another supremely clumsy bit of writing? Kimiko should know what it does! She was there when they got it!

Er, that is to say, she was there when they got its equivalent from a previous incarnation. Whatever. The point is, this scene is to set up a joke and a plot point in the most hamfisted manner possible. She shakes it a bunch and accidentally sprays Clay with a purple haze, simultaneously establishing Kimiko as an idiot and the team as dysfunctional. Apparently, proper Shen Gong Wu handling dictates that if you don’t know what a given Wu does, you should make sure it’s pointed at a teammate and hope for the best!

If Kimiko had instead, say, aimed it at Willow and had her blow it over to Clay, what would have changed about the joke? What would that have failed to set up about the Wuzzy Bunny that would have been important later in the story? You can’t even argue that Kimiko forgot what it did because knowing what each and every Wu does is part of her fucking job! Need I reiterate that the foundations of her order are based around these mystic gewgaws!? You mean to tell me the other monks are getting so little practice with them that they can’t remember what each one does and Omi isn’t even going to tell them?

Anyway, Clay does some extremely forced “goofy” bit, Omi states that the wooziness should wear off soon. And by “soon” he means the very next cut to the countershot.

Willow asks if she gets a Wu too, and Omi continues in his strange childhood lust. You ever read a story as a kid where a young child falls in what they believe wholeheartedly in love with an older teenager and then it turns out that he was really just trying on emotions he’s old enough to understand or process in a healthy, meaningful way, but he will and he’s gettin’ so big and it’s all part of sittin’ here, shinin’’, watchin’ Omi grow?

Well, that’s not what’s happening here because, as we (I) have established, Omi is an ageless wooden doll given life by a twisted creator. Which is good because otherwise his attraction to Willow would be alarming. Anyway, Omi gives Willow the Medusa Comb and Kimiko protests that she wanted it and has seniority. I would also like to protest, though my beef is that I’m watching a highly skilled and powerful warrior be disrespected by a ten-year-old because she’s not a sex object.

Though...you know what, Kimiko? Your performance with the Wuzzy Bunny a minute ago suggests that you probably should start training with the other Wu. You know, just...on your terms.

We’re interrupted by Dojo who, for the very first time, I am glad to see. He cries like a baby over the loss of Ping Pong, because he’s an asshole who doesn’t care that Willow is right there. I know we know that she’s evil, but Dojo has been oblivious to everything but his own sick crush on Master Fung the whole time. From any other point of view Dojo is sobbing in front of the new initiate because she got in over his favored candidate. Way to start Willow’s training off on the right claw, dickweed.

Dojo is going to get way worse from here, but he’s already working my last nerve. Rather than being occasionally emotional and panic prone, he’s turned into the sort of person who needs to turn every single minor personal slight and/or set-back into a crisis, an absolute federal fucking issue, and then drag everyone he knows into it so they are never not paying attention to him. That includes the audience. I’m already rooting for Chase Young to eat him.

Raimundo continues to rack up Favorite points with me by pointing out that Ping Pong has only been gone a few hours. I’d like to build on that point by saying you’ve all only known him for a day. Omi scores another Worst One point by insisting that Ping Pong will be much happier on his own, like Ping Pong is a dog and Omi is trying to convince the others that he sold him to a farm. No, it’s not saved by the fact that he puts on some concerned eyebrows because Willow backs him up and Ping Pong is immediately forgotten.

Oh yeah, and Clay makes a reference to a snake’s bottom and Dojo does gross shit, leaving us at:

CLAY IS A ZOOPHILE JOKES: 2

GROSS-OUT GAG COUNT: 12

We cut to Dojo holding up a crayon drawing of the four monks, stating that he found it under Ping Pong’s mattress. His...mattress.

...Hey, uh...Rai, buddy, you wanna throw in here or-

Nothing. Forget it. Nothing.

This cut is extremely awkward, by the way, and I think it has to do with the fact that we’ve cut from the characters talking about a topic to the characters talking about the exact same topic in a different location. For no reason! There’s nothing accomplished here! They don’t leave the temple and carry on the conversation while they’re traveling, they don’t continue training and then have Dojo bring what he found to the spot and break up the conversation that way. They are talking about the thing in the courtyard. They are then talking about the thing in a bedroom. It’s that abrupt.

Anyway Dojo found Ping Pong’s diary. Kimiko says they shouldn’t read it because it’s private, but Dojo goes ahead anyway. Sorry Kim, Ping Pong just hasn’t learned that keeping a diary around a Xiaolin monk is a sucker’s game like you have. One unfunny joke later, we learn that Ping Pong came from a European monastery called the Order of Saint...Margarine. I’m not doing a goof, I genuinely can’t hear what Dojo said. We may have to get into the sound mixing at some point because there will be episodes where I catch maybe 9 out of every 10 lines, but we’ll save it for now.

Ping Pong served as a messenger for a chain of monasteries (that is, monasteries in the same order, not that it’s a franchise) until email made snail mail obsolete...? What? Ping Pong is like 8 years old! He’s younger than Omi! They had email back when Xiaolin Showdown was in production! And Google is being no help on this, but I’m pretty sure that becoming a monk precludes the advancement of one’s technology skills just about everywhere else in the world! I know Kimiko got to drag in every electronic distraction she owned, but I have no problem believing that the Xiaolin are an outlier in the world of being a monk considering everything they’re supposed to keep track of.

So Ping Pong decides that he wants a new challenge, and leaves to join the Xiaolin Monks, as illustrated by Ping Pong knocking down a wall to reveal...one of the worst posters I’ve ever seen. Seriously, the composition is so lopsided that if it were a building the only rational response would be to push it over on the contractor who made in the hopes that they might fix his eyesight while he’s in the hospital.

Uh, so we find out that Ping Pong is Omi’s biggest fan. So Omi doesn’t have to realize that he treated Ping Pong poorly on his own, he gets to learn that Ping Pong adores him and therefore he’s down one sycophant. He claims he’s crying because of Dojo’s “army-pit odor” (not everything slightly gross is slang, OK? It’s also right on the border of GROSS-OUT GAG but not enough that I’m comfortable calling it.)

Also I guess Ping Pong knew that Omi would call him Little Gecko, but I guess it could be written in hindsight. But then Ping Pong would be writing about his own backstory to himself? Whatever, moving on.

Kimiko finds a page with the big shadow that haunted Ping Pong on the last Wu outing and suddenly realizes that nobody saw Willow during their last battle. Or...after it, considering she went straight to Chase’s lair after her work was done. Kimiko is not dignified with any kind of response, and we cut to the temple at night. Willow leaves on some mysterious outing and Kimiko trails her.

We see them through the haunted forest that is apparently right next to the temple. Then up the mountain range that is apparently right next to that! Seriously, the whole journey seems to take less than an hour on foot. This is all more evidence that Chase Young moved right next to the temple because he likes to watch the faces of the monks when he comes over to borrow a cup of sugar.

Kimiko follows Willow up the cliff to see her with DUN DUN DAAAAAAAH! Chase Young! Oh, the horror! The betrayal! The wondering why Chase is meeting her out in the open like 20 feet away from his lair!

Willow transforms into Shadow and Kimiko finally puts two and two together. Chase pulls Shadow close and...hisses at her? I think. It sounds like the kind of acid-y sigh really obnoxious people do after they belch, but whatever. He...starts telepathically communicating with her, but she’s obviously moving her mouth when she speaks! How do you complicate a conversation that amounts to “I know the vault’s combo but not the location” this badly?

Kimiko backs up and backs up and backs up for a distance of...ballparking it at 8 feet? I know she was in shock but most people get over it by step number three. Unless she styles her fighting after San Francisco trolley operation, backing up like that is just going to make her-yup. She hits the edge and pluments with a scream.

And like...not to the ledge below, I mean she falls down, the full length of the cliff, into the trees and all the way to the ground. She even slams into the rocks on the way. It’s not a long fall but it’s a hard one, and it’s one she’s not getting up from for awhile. Her scream gave away her position and now she’s a sitting duck for Chase and Shadow. It’s highly likely she hasn’t even told anyone where she’s gone! She can only lay, helpless and prone, waiting for her sworn enemies to find-

Oh wait, nevermind. That doesn’t happen. Kimiko gets up immediately, none the worse for wear, and starts fighting a mysterious shadow.

So...what’s danger to her?

Xiaolin Showdown had this too. There were a lot of cartoony injuries that the team recovered from in the next shot, no question there but...remember what happened when things were serious?

Remember when Master Fung ended up in a full body cast to the point where he couldn’t even talk? Remember Raimundo’s tears of pain and despair when Omi tried to crush him under a wall of water? Remember Raimundo taking a beating from four Heylin warriors and collapsing due to injury and weariness in the show’s final showdown? Remember when it was all but outright stated that Raimundo, Kimiko, and Clay were fucking murdered and there were almost no jokes at all?!

I am not saying that I want to see Kimiko weeping on the ground as a broken shell waiting to be slaughtered. I’m saying that the level of injury should fit the tone of the scene, especially in an action comedy. Right now the mood is tense. Kimiko now knows everything she needs to about Willow and we need to be afraid of what will happen if she’s found out. But if she can survive that fall without so much as a groan of pain, what can’t she survive?. It’s fine to have Kimiko accidentally give away her position, but it should probably be done in a way that doesn’t imply she’s made of titanium.

Anyway, she shoots some fire at the mysterious attacker, always a good idea when one is trying to stay hidden, only to find that it’s just Ping Pong. He humbly apologizes for the misunderstanding and then tries to warn Kimiko about Chase being Shadow’s boss. Kimiko apologizes in turn for doubting him about seeing the shadow (did she though?). Ping Pong lays out all the shit we already knew to Kimiko and then Chase and his big cats show up. The two try to escape back up the cliff to no avail. Kimiko suddenly has the Wuzzy Bunny, which takes care of the pursuing cats, but they’re intercepted by Shadow. A fight ensues, but Shadow is too skilled, using both the Medusa Comb and, um, her hair.

OK this isn’t the show’s fault, but any fighting style where you have to turn your back on an opponent just seems needlessly complex to me. A big ponytail to whip forward, fine, but having to turn around, catch an enemy in your hair, and then wheel your whole self around to throw? It’s just silly.

Ping Pong kills a lion from the inside, Kimiko makes me wonder why she ever needs any fire-based Wu ever, and a counter goes up by one:

GROSS-OUT GAG COUNT: 13

Kimiko accidentally doses herself with purple haze and falls down another cliff. Ping Pong makes a big deal out of it even though previous evidence suggests she’ll just hit the ground and bounce. He proceeds to fight a cadre of big cats while Chase does this absolutely hilarious Baddest Bitch In the Room walk, using his full shoulders to make up for his severe lack of hips.

Ping Pong is affronted by Chase’s severe swagger and attacks, but it’s no good. He’s caught, and Shadow lays her head on her lover’s shoulder.

...Whassat? Yeah, her lover. C’mon, what...what else could they be..?

Shadow says that Ping Pong looks “yummy” and Ping Pong does my job for me and calls her a creep. Thank you, Ping Pong. Chase pulls some stank breath out of his ass...uh, that is to say, he demonstrates the power to knock Ping Pong out when he had never been able to do that before, and lays out how he plans to torture the child. He changed to his muppet-y new lizard form and laughs into the screen wipe.

Jack Spicer’s lair. Jack has now started a company! Which looks like the same thing Jack has always done, just with an air of out-of-touch middle manager who has no idea how to motivate employees without embarrassing them. He hands out a can with an eye on it that he calls the “Yes-Eye-Can” to Katnappé, Tubbimura and his dog, and Cyclops. “Remember these people?” the show seems to say, “They’re here too!”

Wuya compliments Jack on his management skills and Jack shows her the book he learned them from, “Management for Evil Dummies,” which...has his face on the cover? Shouldn’t that mean he wrote it? But if he wrote it then why would he call those skills new? That implies he got them from the book! That he wrote! What kind of two-bit paradox are you trying to get me stuck on here?

Whatever. Jack decides to run a raid on the Xiaolin temple to which Wuya protests that they only have one Wu. Jack performs some unrepeatable Antics with said Wu.

GROSS-OUT GAG COUNT: 14

Also please note that we have been given four demonstrations of what an invisibility cloak does. This was apparently deemed not enough, considering Jack also announces what it does in the showdown coming up.

Cut to the temple. Kimiko, perfectly fine after her second fall in five minutes, comes skipping along to the temple still under the influence of the stupid bunny. It’s early morning now, which either means that the Bunny’s dosage can be controlled and Kimiko got a serious overdose or that Clay’s constitution must be insane considering he snapped out of it in less that 30 seconds. Or it’s stupid and contrived and doesn’t mean anything. Also a possibility.

Kimiko starts making fun of Omi for having an oversized head, not that she’s one to talk. Dojo deduces that “Someone’s taken more than a-” but the line completely cuts out before the sentence finishes. Sloppy. Anyway, I don’t really care what he was going to say, only that the line confirms that monks have been using that thing to get high as balls.

She tries to warn the others that they’re in great danger but lapses into Klingon. I’m...just going to have to take Rai’s word for that because apparently he’s a big NEEEEEEERD! She- whoa, I didn’t notice this before but she makes the Live Long and Prosper sign so apparently he’s not wrong about her being a fan! Alright, you got me: that’s adorable. That makes me think she and Rai might marathon the series together and that’s an image that makes me happy. That was good. Thank you show. Gold star.

Then I am brought crashing back into reality by Dojo’s mange.

GROSS-OUT GAG COUNT: 15

Yeah, new Wu. It’s the Whoabopop, also known as a bunch of dodgeballs stuck on a goddamn stick like the world’s worst dandelion. Good thing they established that multiple monks made Wu, or I might blame the show-runners for giving us the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen, but no, I can blame a monk. A monk who should have followed their bliss and become a gym coach.

Omi promises they’ll get it while Raimundo and Clay find a corner, curl up, and quietly die. At least that’s the desire I read in their expressions. Despite the torment of their souls, they load up and Raimundo asks where Willow is. Omi says a sentence that boils down to “she snoozes, she loses” without even coming close to being funny or clever. Then Kimiko gets on (!) and Dojo takes off(!!!) Wait, what, no, what are you doing?! If your teammate is obviously impaired, leave them behind! She has been giggling and singing in a way that is out of character this whole time! Dojo acknowledged she was baked from the Bunny! Leave her in the care of...well, OK, actually if the choices are Wu hunt or cared for by Master Slack then it probably works out even. Carry on.

Chase and Shadow watch the monks leave and decide to mess with them. Pan over to Ping Pong, chained up and being jumped at by big cats. With their tongues sticking out. Aimed at his crotch. While he begs them not to lick in certain places. I will never be clean again.

The monks fly to a swamp. They see Willow and Dojo waves at her which...causes him to shrink and drop them all in the mud? Did it distract him? That has literally never happened before so I have no idea what to make of it.

Kimiko asks a question in...Klingon still, I guess, look I don’t know. I ain’t watched no Star Traks. Raimundo confirms he speaks it and cements himself as a massive NEEEEEEEEEEEEERD. He pulls her out of the swamp though. Kinda sweet. Clay asks how Willow knew they were coming and his line gets the tail cut off too! Willow’s only answer is that Dojo is smelly.

Jack arrives, and Jack’s minions, because that is literally all they are now, show up, fight and get their collective ass handed to them. I am left to wonder why any one of the monks uses elemental Shen Gong Wu. They don’t need the stupid things! This all culminates in a Xiaolin Showdown between Willow, Chase, and Jack. Jack gets way too excited by the prospect of getting flogged, Chase Young wagers his good looks, which is allowed unquestionably unlike Ping Pong’s inclusion in a Showdown. Dojo identifies the match, incorrectly, as a Shen Yi Bu, Raimundo makes a noise like he’s never heard of that before, and I have a rage aneurysm and black out.

When I wake up, the boring showdown is over, with only the faint impression in my mind that Chase ran like Donkey Kong at some point. Willow hands the Wu over to Omi but not before slipping something onto it. Kimiko finally wakes up from her drugs and tells the others that she has something really important to say, but hesitates. Willow glares daggers at her, tightening her fist. Kimiko decides better of it, pretending to lapse back into wooziness. Not the most courageous call, maybe, but a sensible one. We’ve already established that being hot and available outranks being someone you’ve known and fought alongside for years, so Kimiko may be wandering into hot water with no real proof.

Back at Chase’s lair, the cats torturing Ping Pong have all fallen asleep. Ping Pong takes the opportunity to escape because I guess Chase didn’t invest in child-sized manacles. In the process of doing so, however, he kicks his shoes off onto the sleeping pile, and the cats wake up one by one. And worse yet, his attempts to escape have put himself right in the path of their terrible jaws! How is he going to get out of this one?!

We cut to the temple, where the male monks are honing their martial arts skills and Dojo is slacking off as usual. Suddenly-!

Suddenly…

Suddenly Ping Pong is running circles around them?!

No, no, no. No. Hold up. We literally just saw Ping Pong about to be devoured! Chase could have been back at any minute! You set up a daring escape for Ping Pong and then you yadda-yadda’d the whole thing?!

Ping Pong tackles Raimundo to the ground in a state of panic so Dojo offers him a sip of coconut water and they dub in these really horrible GLUG GLUG GLUG sounds that last about 2 seconds too long. He tries to tell them about Willow, but Kimiko has already...done...nothing? She comes out yawning and saying some nonsense about power naps? And then Ping Pong tackles her to the ground and she...starts seeing stars? And remembers who Ping Pong is? And snaps out of the wooziness?

What. The. Fuck!? Was every Xiaolin Chronicles writer locked in a different room? Was the show staffed exclusively by bonobos? She already snapped out of it! She just decided to wait until it was safer to reveal that! That was the whole fucking point of the scene! Now all she gets to do is confirm Ping Pong’s story after she did all that work to find things out herself? Omi comes to the conclusion that that’s why Willow was able to defeat Chase so easily. But I mean, Jack was a huge distraction and he wasn’t even in on it. Not to say that Chase wasn’t throwing the match, but it was way more convincing with Jack’s presence. Honestly, Chase’s noted position on Shen Gong Wu should have the made the fact that he showed up at all for a Showdown, especially for that Wu in particular, the first clue something was up.

We get a bunch of info we already know. Omi gives Ping Pong the hollowest apology ever conceived by man (or woodpuppet.) Clay wonders what Willow actually wanted considering she gave the Wu to Omi and Kimiko has a flash of insight. She demands Omi take them to the vault and when he refuses, she does what someone should have done a long time ago and strangles him. See, that’s so much more direct and effective than seduction. Shadow, please take notes. Please. I beg of you, stop flirting with everyone. Please please please stop.

The others realize they’ve been burgled and wonder how it happened, considering Omi was the only one who knew anything about it. Clay even gets to reprise his baby goat line.

CLAY IS A ZOOPHILE JOKES: 3

With that out of the way, Omi defers all blame to Willow. Of course she got it out of him! She was hot and Omi wanted to get whatever the ten-year-old equivalent of laid is! Willow guessed right and of course Omi had to confirm her correct answers! It’s all Willow’s fault. Omi is blameless for giving a complete stranger the top secret information he was entrusted with! Omi didn’t let anyone down!

Maybe you think I’m being a jerk here. Like of course, we’re opening with a character screwing everything up through the deeply ingrained character flaw he’ll have to overcome! That’s storytelling 101!

But no.

That’s not what’s happening.

Nobody says word one to Omi. Nobody tells Omi what he did was wrong. It’s a given that it’s all on Willow for making him tell her. Raimundo’s only correction is to his slang, Kimiko and Clay say nothing. Omi doesn’t take any falls here, even though it is entirely his fault and his alone. Omi has only proven himself to be unreliable, untrustworthy. Always shifting blame, always passing the buck. Omi is not worthy of being their leader, he’s barely even worthy of being a monk.

But the narrative always, ultimately, takes his side. It will bend over backwards to give Omi anything and everything he wants, no matter if he’s earned it or not.

No wonder Kimiko no longer gets along with him. No wonder Raimundo barely says anything anymore. No wonder Clay is just a tag-along.

That, more than the gross humor, more than the flanderization, more than the sex jokes, is what makes the entire show excruciating.

I’m exhausted and we’re in the home stretch. Chase attacks the temple, which to my mind blows a hole in the whole “Shen Gong Wu are crutches” philosophy has considering that he had to wait until they stole them all to do this. Master Fung challenges him directly, the first thing we’ve seen the old man actually do. Chase Young insults him, which is nowhere near as much fun as Showdown Chase’s consistent respect for his opponents. The fight rages and destroys the home the monks have given years of their lives for. Nothing stops it. No attack can stand against him. The only thing the monks can do now is save their own and only they only just manage.

It is only when dawn breaks that it’s over. The temple is in ruins. The Shen Gong Wu the order has dedicated their lives to protect are gone. This was just the overture to Armageddon, and all anyone can do is wait to hear the final nocturne.

But there may be hope. A tiny sliver of hope to shine in the darkness. A quest of grave importance, one that requires all five of them. Yes, finally, Ping Pong is truly accepted into the group as a brother. The young monks look to their master for one last piece of wisdom.

“Go find a new temple,” says Master Fung, “before flu season starts.”

Then he vanishes, leaving the battered children alone in the wreckage.

Douche.

#Xiaolin Chronicles recaps #xiaolin showdown #xiaolin chronicles #The Fall of Xiaolin

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