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almightanna · 5 years ago

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cisfemale — ever hear people say ANNABEL DE LA ROSA looks a lot like ADRIA ARJONA? I think SHE is about 30, so it doesn’t really work. The AUTHOR / BALLET INSTRUCTOR has lived in Livingstone for SIX MONTHS. They can be DILIGENT, but they can also be CYNICAL. I think ANNA might be A TIER 1 SHEPHERD. ( snot goblin. 20. est. she/they. )

i’m sry this took ... so long to put out ... ive been rly lazy these past few days but !! she is Here and she is Ready. i haven’t played her in a few months and last time she was a junior in high school so !! forgive me. but she’s a very old muse and has gone thru ... several fc changes. anyways !! please give this a LIKE if you’d like for me to slide into ur ims.

TW: POVERTY, DIVORCE SORT OF, CAR ACCIDENT, TRAUMATIC INJURIES, MENTIONS OF DEATH, GRIEF.

a e s t h e t i c s

falling feathers darkened at the tips, leather jackets and pinstripes, red trenchcoats and plaid skirts, worn ballet shoes covered in dust, smudged eyeliner and unruly hair, boxing gloves, ornate canes and pain medication, bandaged hands, classical music floating throughout an empty ballroom, bomber jackets and cropped tees, spilled ink and stained hands, glasses skewed, sneers and jabs, constant fighting, smog in a city, spotlights and encores, piles of books and a long line, backless dresses and sitting alone at a bar, wariness.

general info !!

full name: annabel maritza de la rosa

nickname(s): anna, annie (hates), anna banana (father, exclusively)

b.o.d. - october 31st. scorpio child.

label(s): the catalyst, the charlatan, the crepehanger, the minefield

height: 5′7″

hometown: nyc, ny

sexuality: bisexual

stats

biography !!

born to two high schoolers who never married, mathías de la rosa and leonora nieves. they were head over heels for each other - when mathías graduated he took up two jobs alongside community college to support their family, until leonora graduated and took on the arts.

growing up was tough - living in the city wasn’t cheap, leonora’s art rarely sold and the two often went without eating in order to provide for annabel. as a child she’d often wear hand-me-downs from extended family.

was taught to be a hard worker and it was reflected in her schoolwork - anna excelled in all her classes but especially english. her love for writing grew at a young age, and as a child she saved up enough money to buy herself proper journals.

the only thing that she grew more passionate towards than writing was ballet - she caught the image of girls flying through the air and landing on their toes in the window of a dance studio on a walk home from school one day and that was it - something clicked inside of her.

that same day she would spend hours prancing about their tiny apartment, trying to mimic what she’d seen. it was easy to spot the passion anna had for the dance - and within a few months they had saved up enough money for a month’s worth of lessons.

anna was ecstatic - her slippers were old and found in the back of a thrift store by an odd miracle, but she put her all into the lessons regardless. she was quick to pick up on each move, and by the end of the month it was clear that anna had a natural talent.

leonora picked up a job in order for them to keep affording the lessons, month after month - they weighed down on their pockets, but it kept anna happy.

flash forward a few years - life was good. money was still a struggle but they were tight knit.

or rather, anna thought they were tight knit.

mathías and leonora split up when anna was twelve - an event that rocked the young girl’s world, something that she couldn’t understand. they had kept up a front of love when anna was home from school or ballet - but behind doors, they had been growing apart.

anna viewed their separation as leonora running off with another man - an art collector who had a fascination with leonora’s paintings. she viewed this as the end of the world. she viewed this as the death of love.

when anna was twelve, she swore she would never fall in love - refused to believe in its existence. she couldn’t wrap her mind around the simple separation.

her father got a third job in order to keep up with payments, and anna pushed herself in both ballet and school - not being able to handle an empty apartment. she decided to get a job - to help ease her father, but was too young.

so anna decided to do what any average 12 year old would do. she started scamming people.

she’d sell store-bought lemonade as if it were homemade, stole ceramics from art class and sold them to neighbors. she found an old girl scouts uniform in the back of a goodwill and for the next month, she sold knock-off girl scout cookies from the dollar store - going door to door.

her personality had changed drastically - anna went from a sweet, optimistic girl with warm brown eyes and an infectious laugh to cold, calculated, and downright cruel. she knew what she wanted and how to get it.

she got an invitation to a prestigious private school, full scholarship, before she hit high school - originally wanted to reject it as the thought of being surrounded by new york’s richest teens was appalling, but their ballet program was a one-way ticket into the american ballet theatre. anna ultimately accepted the scholarship.

high school was immediately hell for her - pretentious rich kids who all shared a collective brain cell and her secondhand uniform being a prime target for them.

ballet got extremely competitive - anna was a threat to every dancer in their program, bullying and sabotage became standard - but anna retaliated when possible.

this all, however, suddenly stopped when anna picked up her latest scam: faking psychic. through a small network of ‘bees’ she’d pay to gather information (gossip, rumors, etc. etc.) she was able to accurately ~see~ into students’ past, present, and potentially future affairs. the money was very worth it.

from that point forward, people were intimidated by her.

when anna was 16 she was handpicked to join the american ballet theatre’s studio company, alongside 11 other lucky individuals. her dream from that point forward was to become the youngest principal ballerina for abt - and she was going to start by winning over the role of clara in their production of the nutcracker.

she was 17 when she was chosen, much to the dismay of the other girls. she had momentarily quit her ‘psychic’ business in order to dedicate the entirety of her time towards rehearsals & practice.

the final week before her first performance as clara, anna got into a car accident heading home after another tiresome rehearsal. knocked unconscious, anna woke up three days later with no recollection of the accident - and her leg freshly operated on.

it was a devastating event that should had killed her - maybe she would had been better off if it had - but instead, it had effectively destroyed any chances of her dancing professionally.

it took two months of extensive physical therapy for anna to walk again - now relying heavily on a cane.

with ptsd and depression weighing heavily on her shoulders, anna turned back to writing - mostly as a coping mechanism, but it soon became the fierce passion it once was when she was younger.

for the remainder of her high school life, anna dedicated the majority of her time towards recovery, her writing, and directing her school’s theatre productions. oh - and claiming that almost dying had given her the gift of mediumship. it wasn’t too far off from her psychic claims - her peers believed it well enough to either stay away, or pay her for a small amount of comfort.

went to columbia after graduation on a full scholarship - it’s one of her few sources of pride - where she earned her dual degree in english & investigative journalism ( mostly because she didn’t know what she wanted to do )

wrote and published a book based heavily on her experiences as a scholarship student at a private school - YA fiction, essentially - mostly just to dip her toes in the water and become established as an author. surprisingly - the book was a hit, and has written three more in the form of a small series. she also wrote a small book on what it’s like being a ‘psychic medium’.

annabel only came to livingstone after the apner family had left her a hefty email - pleading with her to connect to their dead son. it was in livingstone that annabel heard of the watershed app - and it was from there that her interest was peaked. she immediately found herself involved as a tier 1 shepherd.

she’s partially there to take notes - to learn as much about the app as she can - and partially to strengthen and build her side-business, though she had thought she was retired. the con, however, is too great to resist. essentially - she wants to become a high enough tier to learn the dirt on everybody, and then use that for her psychic business.

decided to become a dance instructor due to her experience as a ballerina, but because she can’t really ... dance, has assistants that help her.

personality !!

lives in a semi-decent apartment downtown where the elevator would break every other week until she threatened her landlord and it was magically fixed permanently :^)

that being said - she’s not the friendliest person. knows what she wants and how to get it, and will not hesitate to use people or push them out of her way in order to achieve her goals.

her cutthroat nature was the reason for her success in academics and dance - her students are all terrified of her, and rightfully so. she teaches dancers between the ages of 16-24. while incredibly hard on them - she’d rip someone a new one if they tried to hurt any of her students.

horribly stubborn - if she’s got an idea of you already in her mind, then it’s hard to convince her otherwise.

still uses a cane - in fact, she can’t really walk without it - unless she wants to be in pain.

it’s sturdy, ornate, and pretty fucking solid. doubles as a weapon if need be - has definitely ... hit people with it before, though she’s calmed down now that she’s older.

used to be very angry, very defensive as a teenager and young adult - is still the same, just ... less intense. will not hesitate to speak her mind and let her opinions known - especially in the face of injustice.

doesn’t really have the best ... relationship with authority, mainly because of where she was raised and her con-artist businesses. tends to be snarky and sarcastic to anybody in charge - or really, anybody in general.

pretty distrusting, pretty emotionless on the outside, doesn’t like to be seen as weak or somebody to be pitied. keeps herself closely guarded and doesn’t really let others ‘inside’ due to her own comfort levels.

swore off love when she was 12 and during a fluke mid-twenties, wound up engaged. called off the engagement when she found her groom-to-be and her bridesmaid-slash-cousin together. very classic - very re-enforcing of a few of her greatest fears.

she’ll sleep around but dating is out of the question, for the most part - she’s been on a few blind dates, a few casual get-togethers - but she’s always the one to break things off. is more of a careful hook-up kind of gal.

still does her psychic medium business !! sometimes she wonders if she’s a bad person because of it - but ultimately, it’s on her customers for believing in all that nonsense anyway. anna herself is a skeptic - doesn’t believe in anything unless she can see it and feel it.

her apartment is still half-packed, half-unpacked, because she honestly cannot be bothered. got out the essentials and that was it. still has her ballet shoes, still has all of her awards for competitions she’s won - they’re just in a box tucked away somewhere labeled ‘do not open’.

is actually ... a pretty sentimental person, doesn’t take anything she’s got for granted, and is hugely appreciative of her father. sends him money when she can. hasn’t spoken to her mother in years - pretty sure she’s got a step / half-sibling or two but she’s never met them.

a lone wolf and likes it that way, but she isn’t super opposed to friendship - even if she won’t necessarily call anybody a friend. appreciates others who are similar to her - got their head on right, and knows what they want in life.

has a pretty bad fear of driving - will uber if she needs to go anywhere - even then, being in cars makes her pretty anxious. still has ptsd-induced panic attacks, though she’s managed them pretty well.

doesn’t really do drugs! will smoke weed to ease the ache and her nerves, but otherwise she only takes what is prescribed for her. doesn’t drink anything hard, either. big fan of beer and wine. probably gets wine drunk home alone late at night ... like ... two times a week.

goes between being high strung and uncaring - she’s not especially moody ( rather, is just consistently angry for whatever reasons ) but she definitely tries to bottle everything up.

probably keeps pepper spray on her at all times, even though she’s got her cane. has a gun in her apartment, cat ear brass knuckles on her keychain. she’s not paranoid, she just likes being prepared.

kind of wants to write a novel based off of watershed so! she takes a lot of notes - tends to be very observant.

has a soft spot for children, animals, and soft women. kind of person who will put herself in the line of danger in order to protect others - even if she doesn’t necessarily know them too well.

also the kind of person who’ll set something on fire - or do something because you’ve told her not to. incredibly spiteful when wronged. will raise hell if need be.

morally ambiguous tbh.

wanted connections !!

maybe ... a roommate? i imagine her living alone but i also like the idea of having roommate so :^)

she’s sort of new in town so ! acquaintances. people who’ve seen her in town and are curious. people who’ve seen her like ... kick someone’s tire in a small fit of rage or spend 20 minutes trying to coax a cat into coming near her so she could pet it.

fans of her books !!

someone from new york who recognizes her from whatever !! whether it’s from newspaper details of her incident, her legacy at her private school, someone who went to the same college as her, her legacy as a ballerina before her incident, etc. etc.

has taken up boxing recently - so somebody whose helping her at the gym?

someone who tried to like. help her cross the road or something because they saw her with her cane and she yelled at them so now they’re in this weird spot.

students !! if somebody does ballet - she might be teaching them.

alternately, one of her assistants !!

someone she’s soft for for whatever reason :/

hookups !! preferably mid-20s to like. late-30s. she’s not a cougar, i’m sorry :(

somebody who wants her to be a cougar. and she just has to keep rejecting them.

customers who come to her for psychic readings and like. comfort in the form of talking to the dead.

people skeptical of her !! maybe trying to ruin her in some way.

other shepherds. someone higher up that she’s trying to manipulate in some way for her own benefits.

a drunk one night stand that neither wants to talk about.

a pregnancy scare with another, separate one night stand! it turned out to be nothing, but there was some. weirdness. between them afterwards.

a blind date or two dnfjgkmh

someone she ghosted :/

someone she’s like, protected from a creep at a bar or a club ! and now they feel indebted towards her and she’s just like uuuh no. stop.

annoyances !!

like ... maybe a pal or two, or three. mainly just people she gets along with !!

on the other end - something where they just. despise each other for whatever reason. pure hatred.

hatred but make it sexy.

a dealer because even though she can get medical marijuana ... it’s good to have a lil extra on ya :)

people She’s suspicious of for whatever reason - someone she caught doing something. suspicious. untrustworthy.

someone where their mail keeps getting mixed up.

uuh really im down for anything !!

#livingintro #car accident tw #injury tw #death mention tw #grief tw #only implied but

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gammafish · 6 years ago

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Fanfiction writer asks Thank you @saantha and @writerforthetylwythteg ! ^^ <3

Okay, Caroline first cause you sent this to me like a week ago :’D 1) How old were you when you first starting writing fanfiction? My answer is really similar to yours, I think? I started years and years ago, maybe when I was 15 or 16? But I didn’t even know what fanfiction was lol. But before that I was writing a long looong story, kiiinda origina but also kiiiinda with a character based on an existing character from a show ^^’ I first published an actual ‘proper’ fanfic on AO3 when I was 19.

12) Who is your favourite character to write for? Why? Surprise surprise, but my I love writing ‘dark’, tortured, angsty, and tormented characters, wow, who would have thought xD I wrote for a few fandoms and I guess I have a favourite in each? In SNK it’s Levi, in X-Men it was Charles, in BBC Sherlock it’s Moriarty, and in Black Butler it’s... well, both Ciel and Sebastian. But I’d say that out of all of those, at least recently, I’ve been enjoying writing Sebastian; I wrote over 25k words of a series recently entirely from his POV, as you know, and it was fantastic to write, that fic is my little baby, my little pride and joy :’D I remember you saying that the fic read like something I was born to write, and that that demon was my perfect muse and my dude, it sounds so right XD

13) Who is your least favourite character to write for? Why? Hmmmmmmmmmmm no one comes to mind, really? Logically progressing from the previous question, I’m not the biggest fan of writing overly-happy, bubbly characters XD But I don’t think I have one I actually dislike. If I really hate a character, I probably won’t include them in my fic, or as little as possible.

16) How did you come up with the idea for xxx? (Guide Dog) Whump. I just wanted to write lots of whump xD And fear, and abuse, and recovery from these; describing the slow mental process of a character progressing from being scared of their own shadow to - through someone else’s kindness and patience - learn how to function again. I’ve wanted to try this for years and years, it’s been brewing in my head for so long, and I had so many plans and drafts, but somehow it just never took off until I came across SNK, and Eren’s story. And then of course it got a bit political, but honestly I’m kind of glad it took that kind of turn, I think it made it a more meaningful story than just an attempt at a feels-fest XD

21) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire? Well, you know I obviously like your works because of how wonderfully fucked up they are, right up my street so :D In the SNK fandom, I love acidtowns who wrote Junkyard Dogs, and also julieofthwatertribe, and I’ve STILL got to read pinkheichou’s massive Ereri fic but people love it so I’m sure she’s good too x3 There are tons and tons of fics in that fandom that I love but these are the first few that come to mind. In BBC Sherlock fandom, Mad_Lori wrote this absolutely infamous ‘Alone on Water’ fic which is basically just a rollercoaster of angst and tears, it was amazing. SD_Ryan wrote amazing fics too, with Moran/Moriarty. I had a friend on deviantArt years ago, who wrote really good Rammstein fics too, she even wrote one for me! And of course, in the SPN fandom, the top of the top of Destiel fics; Twist and Shout by gabriel and standbyme. It’s the highest-rated (in terms of kudos) Destiel fanfic on AO3, and I can absolutely understand why. The angst in this is just indescribable, I wasted like an entire tissue roll on my tears. And then there were two fics; ‘To high places by narrow roads’ by Fossarian, and ‘Carry On’, by TamrynEradani. I don’t remember the first one too well, but it had lots of angst and issues of slavery like in Guide Dog, so I loved it lots, but the second one, ohhh the second one. The writer described a dom/sub relationship in the most perfect, wholesome, realistic way I ever saw written anywhere. I need to reread it soon now actually, because it’s a feast for the soul, I’m not even kidding XD And then finally, Black Butler fandom; chromehoplite, gxlden both write awesome stuff (and they collaborate a lot too and the results are aMAZING and they grace this fandom with sooo much content :’3) Severus_Divides_into_H is also writing a fantastic multi-chaptered fic which is so beautifully sad, dark and gothic and full of feels, honestly you can clearly see I have a type, when it comes to fics :’D

33) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten? I couldn’t choose a single one, I’m flattered whenever I get any kind of compliment :’) But I live and breathe for the moments when people tell me that my fic made them cry. And honestly you gave me some of the best compliments lol, I wanted to launch myself into space when you said that Ciel’s death from my fic affected you and that you randomly found yourself thinking of that scene the next day, because you’re not even in the fandom T__T <3 And I wanted to do the same thing when a few people told me before they would buy a physical copy of Guide Dog, like, people would pay money for what I wrote?? How possible, nat.exe has crashed, reboot now. And hahah, recently when I comment on some Black Butler fics, once or twice I got a response that the author was glad to get a comment from me because they read my fic and they liked it, and that just blows my mind because???? Someone recognised me??? how possible?? Reboot again

49) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about? Uuuuuum I think it was actually a Rammstein fic, based on the ‘Ich Will’ music video. Angst and death all around ;-; But again, at that stage I didn’t really know what fanfiction was lol.

Bahaha I hope you enjoyed your novel, my GOD that took me so long XD

And hóhóhó Jázu thank you for asking too ( ͡◉ ͜ʖ ͡◉) <3

8) Where do you take your inspiration from? Uuuuugh that’s a tough one. Maybe overall just some messed up movies or books or other fics, and when I’m actually writing, it’s usually some dark or sad gothic music, or whatever else fits lol ^^ But I don’t write THAT much, so I don’t need a constant IV with inspiration, I suppose ^^’

18) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them? Yeeeeesss ^^’‘‘ Guilty as charged lol. I have at least one abandoned WIP in the BBC Sherlock fandom, X-men fandom, and supernatural fandom (in the last one, I remember it was some heavy angst - what a surprise - destiel wip that I actually tried to find a few days ago, but couldn’t which made me very sad lol cause I wanted to read over it :( ). I guess I abandoned them because there was no solid plot, and I only started writing them because I wanted to write some quick whump, or some feels, but didn’t have the determination to write a whole story around it XD

25) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story? ABSOLUTELY, with the amount of angst I try to squeeze in everywhere, I take it as a personal offense and lack of skills if I can’t make at least * myself * cry x’D Although, I’m writing this long multichaptered fic for Attack on Titan that I think I mentioned to you, and its close to 200k words, and there’s lots of angst, but it hasn’t made me cry as much as writing this other for, Black Butler, which is only 24k words. I cried for at least half of it lol, maybe because it’s much closer to canon, and the canon itself is so tragic and has me upset whenever I think about it ;__;

HOH ALRIGHT that’s me done, I think this actually took me around an hour to do XD But thank you guys, that was fun :3c <3

#saantha #writerforthetylwythteg #ffs caroline i always have to copy your url because i can never spell it #asks #fanfic writer asks #my work #my stuff #ehhh i dont know how to tag this

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ocean-skies · 6 years ago

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open journal entry

I have definitely been struggling to write this all down... between my distractions and my pride, i have too much and not enough to write down. At first, I was going to completely dig up everything... I was gonna touch more on the toxic relationship I just removed myself from, and kind of vent about the existential i guess realizations i haven't really explained all of to anyone. i've been nervous about someone seeing my innermost thoughts(why not keep it to myself? kept in secret in my own journal) but maybe it can help someone to share some of it. maybe it will help me. or maybe i should do it just because it takes me out of my comfort zone. anyways, im just gonna jump into it and get hella personal before i overthink it more so if i know you personally, this isn’t exactly something I feel is healthy to dwell and talk on anymore after this. even though the story of the end of my relationship with my ex last month goes a long while before this, what started to turn my life upside down recently was when i started short term therapy, which i'm hoping to increase. i thought it would help to go to get some advice on coping with my anxiety, and secretly, to get some objective advice on what i was only beginning to suspect was a toxic relationship. my counselor pointed out to me the emotional manipulation i was being subjected to, and why i was letting it happen... she pointed me in a direction that would start to change my entire perspective on my life. when i told her about the way my mother is and was to me growing up, she pointed out to me how spot on the way i turned out ended up being when you're the daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. why i have so much anxiety and why i'm such a pushover and especially susceptible to not just attracting toxic relationships in my life, but desiring them. the familiar is most comfortable, whether it's what is healthy for us or not, and recognition of that has only been the first step. I began after this to really analyze everyone in my life, especially my gf at the time. I knew I was being taken for granted, and that i was not taking a lot of red flags as seriously as i should have. But I didn't even know where to begin to address it. The battles i faced daily for 18 years of my life shaped me into someone who avoids confrontation as a means of survival. i have gotten better, and i thought i was past the point of not being able to speak up and say no to things that make me uncomfortable, but it's still a struggle. as experiences where im taken advantage of make me ever more uncomfortable, i get a little closer each time to handling it the right way. Sometimes, it takes an especially frustrating experience to really push me, such as one i had with a new friend at a kickback who took advantage of my inability to be firm especially while intoxicated so she could continue unwanted physical sexual contact. i felt uncomfortably taken advantage of, as small of a transgression as it was, and it was because i recognized how weak i was through my submission to someone I was supposed to be comfortable with because of my fear of offense, of saying no. that same get together, i grew close with a girl i met there, and i started to repeat the toxic cycle I find myself in. right in front of me i saw myself growing towards someone absolutely unavailable, which i realized was one of my problems- i was seeking the (especially emotionally) unavailable. all of this happened throughout the end of may into june, while I was in an open relationship with my ex who barely talked to me, but that wasn't even the beginning of my journey with addressing what was in front of me with them and finding the strength to let go. It broke my heart to let go, and i still feel guilty to have been the one to ask for my ex back last january and then be the one to give up this last june, but i know what is going to be healthiest for me. I was fighting for someone emotionally unavailable who led me on that they could be open, and that they could change. I ignored all the early red flags, like the blatant and serious lying, feeling myself turn into someone I didn’t want to be, their serious inability to commit and lack of respect held for me as well as being taken for granted. Their inability to communicate, even when we needed it most and more lies and excuses for inexcusable behavior. I fell victim to the sweet promise of change, of going back to the way things were before true colors were shown. I ignored for so long what it meant when they could make time for their friends but never for me, not even when we had not seen or hardly spoken to eachother in weeks, with our interactions slowly diminished into them being glued to their phone when we would finally get to hang out, mostly ignoring my repeated attempts at conversation for a couple hours until they wanted me to fuck them. i feel sad that i put so much energy towards someone who wanted me to fight for them, who expected me to run after them, yet still refused to even look back or fight for me when i was the one leaving. refused to even react, just sit in their room and be fine. Its only been an affirmation of toxicity. giving up is hard for me, and giving up the love i feel for someone is the hardest decision i have ever made, but the sickness in my relationship made it easy, once i started to recognize it and see that I deserve an equally reciprocated love. i was stuck on all this for a while, but now the wounds are healing and i can assess the damage and try to grow. i have always had a big soft heart, a softness someone would be lucky to have despite the pain I have endured. But my heart is finally too tired of trying to be loved- it's grown cold in a way that that i'm reluctant to recover from. Ive come to terms that my mother will never love me unconditionally, and the same with my father, and with it is my drive to believe in and seek out a love like that elsewhere, a love that could match the kind I want so badly to give. I finally know what its like to have walls up in my heart that have a solid foundation, walls that even I, who alone knows every weakness in it, can see it as almost to impenetrable for comfort. I have no desire anymore for those who can't show me that i'm wanted just as equally in their life, a desire that has me leaving many behind. I've begun the recognition stage with everyone in my life now, and i'm learning the value of watching for the people who genuinely want me in their lives enough to make real effort and letting go of those who don't have my best interests in mind and can't participate in a healthy and equal giving/reciprocating relationship. but managing my relationships is only a small sliver of my journey, and counseling has taught me that. the solution to all of my problems lies within myself already. when i hit rock bottom i realized just how much weight i put into my relationships, and especially the wrong ones, and that has been a major building block for my journey. learning to love myself, by myself, is just as important to my healing process as identifying the issues that come from my upbringing. learning to peacefully live with myself, which includes my anxieties and shortcomings, is the only way to start a path away from choosing the wrong people in my life, and letting them affect me so greatly. i can't focus on someone else in the way they deserve without first coming from a healthy mindset ready to take on that challenge. i've been improving and working on that, and progress has definitely been good 👌🏼i'm no longer self harming and having ideations because of anyone else's actions, and i've finally got a crucial lesson through my head: nobody except for myself is going to make me better. no amount of anyone else's advice or support will make me secure enough in myself to overcome my anxiety, and i can't wait for someone to come along and help me, i have to do it myself and move on. because nobody will be there, that sign will never come and i only have myself for sure in my life, and only I can go that extra mile for myself. i have to work on the very way i think, and i can't blame myself for the steps i have to take to get there. it's hard not comparing my journey to someone else's but i have to remember that my journey towards happiness is mine alone, and learning to be happy alone is the first step. it's been hard for those who know me to understand when i work on being alone, and i do feel sorry for how not responding to them can make them feel but i know what i need to do in my daily life to work on overall happiness and to maintain my emotional individuality, as it's something i'm often too quick to give up. so that's it's for now, this was a long one lol and i don't think i'll edit it since i'm tired of writing so i'll start smaller stuff later

#personal

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dialux · 8 years ago

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trope it all up

My submission for the @jonxsansafanfiction Valentine’s Challenge, Day 13: Proposal/engagement. My best attempt at working in four different prompts from the prompt challenge- each chapter encompasses one prompt. Chapter 4 of 5; Part 1 can be found here. Part 2 can be found here. Part 3 can be found here.

[ETA: Previous notes said that there would be four chapters. There will be five chapters; the last one is of the author’s choice day- confessions.]

Chapter 4: Petyr arrives, and Sansa worries. Jon’s there, though, to smooth things out.

iv. proposal/engagement

“The Vale needs a woman’s touch,” Petyr said, grey eyes still as gleaming and mocking as ever. “When I spoke to you last, you believed yourself to be the last Stark- and now, it turns out that you are not. What need have you to remain inside Winterfell?”

Sansa bit her tongue. This is my home, she thought. You’ve certainly said that enough times. Now, you want me to trot behind you, meek as any shadow? I think not.

“I belong to the North,” she said, evenly.

“Sansa,” Petyr said, turning, placing his hands flat on her shoulders. Sansa breathed in, and didn’t flinch away. “You must know that what happened before was an accident. The wildlings blew it out of proportion, you were there-”

“Yes,” said Sansa. “I was.” She pulled away from him. “I was there the day you decided that you’d spent enough time in the North. I was there the day you decided that you wished to return to your home. I was there, the day you decided that I would accompany you there. My memory is fine, Lord Baelish, but might I remind you of what happened the last time you thought yourself in the best position to make decisions on my behalf?”

He flushed, and Sansa kept herself very straight, very stiff.

“I am Sansa Stark of Winterfell,” she told Petyr, calmly, grimly, inexorably. “I am the eldest daughter of Ned and Catelyn Stark, and my blood will inherit the North. I am from the North, of the North, and as much as I regret it, I must decline all invitations to leave.”

I have seen what happens to Starks that go south.

Petyr’s eyes narrowed. Sansa waited him out.

“You don’t regret it.”

“When I have sworn to never travel south of the Neck?” Sansa forced her voice level. “I don’t. Not one bit.”

“I have given you an army,” he said, quiet enough that Sansa felt prickles run up her spine.

The courtyard they walked in was one of many that were destroyed; during the day, children used the rubble as hiding places and in their games- but in the night, the ruins felt colder, haunted. They had moved far enough that the shouting and celebrations from the feast hall were muted.

“You have,” said Sansa.

“I have rescued you from the Lannisters.”

“Yes.”

“I have offered you food, warmth, safety-” Petyr turned, stepped away from her, “-and this is how you would repay me?”

Sansa remembered the way Jon had apologized, the way he had listed his faults out, unflinching. She remembered the warmth that Jon had always given her, even when all she felt was unbridled rage. Jon had only ever wanted her to be happy.

Petyr had only ever wanted her to be his.

“You rescued me from the Lannisters because I was the heir to the North,” said Sansa. “If anyone else inside these walls knew what you had attempted here, they would have slit your throat. I am repaying your kindness, Lord Baelish: I am protecting your life.”

Out of the shadows, a pale wolf padded forwards. Sansa smiled, and let her hands rest on Ghost’s muzzle before lifting her head to meet Petyr’s gaze.

“I have been very patient with you,” Sansa said softly. “I’d suggest you leave my home before I run out of it.”

For the first time in their history, Sansa saw Petyr pale at what he saw in her eyes. She kept herself even, kept herself calm, and waited for him to stumble out of sight before relaxing.

“Thank you, Ghost,” she told him. “You were wonderful.”

“I think that was me,” said Jon, stepping out of the same rubble that Ghost had come from.

Sansa buried her face in Ghost’s fur for a moment, and then turned towards Jon, laughing helplessly.

“You were there the whole time?”

“My restraint was admirable.” He stepped forwards and tugged on her plait, playfully; his eyes, however, were solemn. “Are you alright?”

“I-” Sansa exhaled, slowly, and then nodded. “Yes. I am. It wasn’t so bad as I thought it might have been.”

“As what might have been?”

“Telling Petyr to leave.”

He snorted and then, slowly, seated himself, legs stretching out in front of him. The starlight caught the edges of his curls, turning them gilt-silver; Sansa smiled and ran a finger through them.

“What happened?” He asked lowly. “With Petyr?”

“If I told you, it wouldn’t be much of a secret,” Sansa pointed out.

Jon sighed. “If I swear not to kill him-”

“-you’ll also have to promise not to tell anyone else.”

“Fine,” he said, a touch irritable. “I promise.”

“He... got tired of waiting.” Sansa lifted one shoulder, graceful. “After you left for the south, he wanted to leave Winterfell, so he started packing- and he packed my things as well. He only told me what he’d done the morning that they were supposed to leave. That we were supposed to leave, I suppose.”

Jon’s hands clenched, the knuckles white, but he didn’t say anything else.

“The wildlings found out through some servant girl,” she continued, wrapping her arm around the crook of his elbow and leading him towards the feast hall. “They stormed the castle. One of them- she threatened Petyr, though I’m not quite sure with what, precisely; but he left that day. And he never came back.”

“Is that why the spearwives like you so much?” Jon asked, looking startled.

Sansa ducked her head, smiling. “They like me because I helped them out later,” she said. “The best they could’ve hoped for was the Gift; but I insisted that we give them the Dreadfort and the Last Hearth. They’re rather happy about that. Though they’re happy about this, too.”

They walked past the feast hall; Sansa wasn’t yet ready to laugh and dance in there. Instead, she found her feet taking her towards the godswood. She felt something uncurl in her chest, Jon’s arm warm in hers, his solid body braced beside her- like a bloodflower’s petals at dawn, cool and smooth and not shaking, not even a bit.

...

“I’m going to sic Ghost on him,” said Jon, under the godswood’s leaves.

Sansa, who’d been running a hand across the surface of one of the pools, jerked upright.

“You promised!” She said.

“Not to kill him,” Jon pointed out. “Ghost won’t do much, I promise. I mean, what does the man need a limb for, right? Or two, or three-”

“Jon,” said Sansa, and he tipped a look over to her.

She sighed at whatever she saw in his face, coming over to sit beside him and nudging him until he shifted on the trunk. One thigh pressed against the side of his, a hot line that left prickles running down Jon’s spine.

Thus far, they’d kissed and embraced. Mostly, Sansa had begun them. It wasn’t even half of what Jon had done with Ygritte, less than a fourth of what he’d done with Daenerys; but these felt more significant. There was something about falling in love inside Winterfell that erased the hurried, harried attraction that had marked his previous- liaisons.

They had time, was the point. Something Jon hadn’t imagined he’d ever have, not after seeing the Others.

They had time, perhaps, but Petyr Baelish wasn’t who he was without a reason. Jon sighed and rubbed his forehead with his knuckles. They had to act as necessary: Petyr was perfectly capable of starting a war for his pride if he felt it possible that he could get Sansa.

He didn’t feel they were ready. But after these past few weeks- Jon felt that they would become ready, sometime in the future, and it wasn’t so impossible as he’d once dreamed.

“Sansa,” he said, ducking his head, running a hand through his hair. Something that was two parts apprehension to one part fear thrummed in time to his heart inside him, and Jon felt his mouth dry at it. “He’s not going to stop.”

She sighed. “I’ve done all that I can do,” she told him. “Without making a public affair of it all...”

“That’s not what I meant.” Jon glared at the moon’s reflection on the pool, too bright and whole by far. “He’s the kind of man that- if he thinks he can still marry you, have you- he’ll do it. He’ll pick battles and arrange the pieces and start a war, see if he won’t.”

“He’s perfectly capable of it,” Sansa agreed.

“So,” said Jon, turning and capturing her hands in his, making sure he looked directly at her eyes, “marry me.”

Sansa’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates, white showing all round the delicate rose-blue.

“Not,” Jon hastened to add, “like- that. Just announce that we’re planning it publicly, I meant. We can have the actual wedding later. Or- maybe-” he cut himself off when Sansa bent over herself, shoulders shuddering.

Jon maybe slightly panicked at the gleam of tears along her palms.

“It’s just to send him away!” He assured her, skating his hands along her shoulderblades helplessly. “I didn’t mean to-”

“Three betrothals,” Sansa gasped, finally getting a hold of herself. “Three betrothals, Jon, and two weddings, and both weddings made against my will. And still, none of them were so terribly awkward as you.”

“I didn’t-”

“But, yes,” she said, and smiled, wide, true, brighter than the moon shining down on them.

There was time. Jon felt something crack away in his heart, like a ice shelf finally giving way, finally melting. He breathed in, out. There was time, to learn and love and accept each other.

They had time.

This time, it was Jon’s turn to kiss her.

#jonxsansaff valentines #jon x sansa #trope it all up #my writing #also can you tell that i'm really really hella ace?#most of my romances are so fucking cerebral it's SAD #i don't know how to love without making a very very carefully thought-out decision to do so #the writing i've done where the protags just- fall in love- are miserable #it doesn't MAKE SENSE #anyhow #dialux tries to answer prompts

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soule-lgbt · 5 years ago

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For Immediate Release

They weren’t supposed to read, write, or look you in the eye. … But they did.

WOMEN’S HISTORY SOLO SHOW SERIES CO-PRESENTED BY THE THEATRE AT THE 14TH STREET Y A Women’s History Month Series

February 25 – March 15, 2020

Three Women. Three Stories. Three Critically-Acclaimed Performances.

February 7, 2020 (New York, NY) Today, the Theatre at the 14th Street Y announced the Women’s History Solo Show Series, a trio of performances highlighting stories about famed educator Mary McLeod Bethune, writer Jane Austen, and the Mona Lisa, the mysterious woman in the world-famous portrait by Leonardo da Vinci. February 25 through March 15, 2020 audiences can witness First by Faith: The Life of Mary McLeod Bethune, written and performed by Richarda Abrams; Cheer from Chawton: A Jane Austen Family Theatrical written and performed by Karen Eterovich and Equally Divine: The Real Story of Mona Lisa written and performed by Jenny Lyn Bader. Each production, featuring all-female creative teams, will run eight performances at the 14th Street Y located at 344 East 14th Street (East 14th Street at 1st Avenue).

“I have been performing my award winning solo show First By Faith: The Life Of Mary McLeod Bethune for the past two years, performer/playwright/producer Richarda Abrams said. However, this year I had an opportunity to perform at the Theatre at the 14th Street Y so I had one more conversation with my fellow League of Professional Theatre Women colleagues Karen Eterovich who has a marvelous solo show about Jane Austen and Jenny Lyn Bader who has an outstanding solo show about Mona Lisa and I asked them to join me in this venture of a Women’s History Solo Show Series co-presented with the Theatre at the 14th Street Y. I am so happy we did. There is something about theatre women working together. “

General admission for all performances of the Women’s History Solo Show Series is $25 and $14 for student and seniors with ID. Discounts are also available for groups of 10 or more with a $42 Flex Pass for those who wish to see the entire series. Tickets can be purchased at https://www.14streety.org/artsandculture/womens-history-solo-show-series/, by calling 646-395-4310 or in person at the 14th Street Y, 344 East 14th Street, at the corner of 14th and 1st. The box office opens 30 minutes before curtain and is not open for business on non-performance dates. All tickets are subject to a $2.99 servicing fee.

About the Shows

First By Faith: The Life of Mary McLeod Bethune Written, Performed and Produced by Richarda Abrams Directed by Dina Vovsi Music Director: Amina Claudine Myers February 25 – March 15 | Run time: 60 minutes | No intermission Performance Schedule: Tues. Feb 25, 7:30 pm (VIP Reception & Talkback) | Sat, Feb 29, 7:30 pm Thurs. Mar 5, 7:30 pm | Fri, Mar 6, 7:30 pm | Sun, Mar 8, 1:00 pm | Wed, Mar 11, 7:30 pm | Sat, Mar 14, 1:00 pm | Sun, Mar 15, 7:30 pm

Workshopped at NYC’s Actors Studio, 2019 Winner of AUDELCO VIV Award for Solo Performance of the Year. 2018 Winner of United Solo Theatre Festival’s “Best Educational Show Award”. Performer/Playwright Richarda Abrams uses storytelling and song, transcends time and gender, explores Mary McLeod Bethune’s journey as an uneducated child, to becoming a world-renowned educator, humanitarian, civil rights activist, and stateswoman, returning to earth sharing one last lesson.

Equally Divine: The Real Story of the Mona Lisa Written and Performed by Jenny Lyn Bader Directed by Julie Kramer February 26 – March 14 | Run time: 75 minutes | No intermission Performance Schedule: Wed. Feb 26, 7:30 pm | Fri, Feb 28, 7:30 pm | Sun, Mar 1, 1:00 pm Mon, Mar 2, 7:30 pm | Sat, Mar 7, 1:00 pm | Sun, Mar 8, 5:00 pm | Thurs. Mar 12, 7:30 pm Sat, Mar 14, 7:30 pm

2019 Winner of United Solo Theatre Festival’s “Best Documentary One-Woman Show Award.” Paris, 1911. The art heist of the century triggers a national manhunt. As police interview everyone from J.P. Morgan to Pablo Picasso, the story travels back in time to 1503, introducing us to the visionary artist Leonardo da Vinci, the apprentice who would become his lover, and the secrets behind the masterpiece. Along the way, the woman in the portrait solves mysteries that have baffled fans and stumped scholars for centuries: Why did the portrait never get delivered to the man who commissioned it? Who is she, anyway? And why is she smiling? EQUALLY DIVINE is a time-traveling, gender-bending drama about art, inspiration, and becoming who we are.

Cheer from Chawton: A Jane Austen Family Theatrical Written and performed by Karen Eterovich | Love Arm’d Productions Theater Direction, Dialect Design & Choreography by Susan Pilar & Amy Stoller February 27 – March 15 | Run time: 60 minutes | No intermission Performance Schedule: Thurs. Feb 27. 7:30 pm | Sat, Feb 29. 7:30 pm | Sun, Mar 1, 5:00 pm Wed, Mar 4, 7:30 pm | Sat, Mar 7, 7:30 pm | Tues, Mar 10, 7:30 pm | Fri, Mar 13, 7:30 pm Sun, Mar 15, 1:00 pm

In the tradition of home theatricals held during her childhood, Jane Austen has prepared an entertainment for her family in which her siblings are to take part with her as performers. She expects to begin playing Mrs. Bennet (from Pride and Prejudice), to her brother James’s Mr. Bennet. But her family has played a trick on her: they have left Jane to tackle an unrehearsed solo performance. They provide her with a list of topics quizzing her on her life, her writing, and the inspiration behind her work. These serve as the springboard for a most enjoyable evening, filled with Jane’s pointed observations on her family, friends, suitors, and society, as well as her own hilarious early efforts as an author. You may be called upon to play a part – scripts are provided!

Who’s Who

Richarda Abrams(First by Faith: The Life of Mary McLeod Bethune) is a three-time AUDELCO award-winning actress/singer/playwright/producer. She wrote, performed and produced First By Faith: The Life Of Mary McLeod Bethune which went on to garner the 2019 AUDELCO Viv Award For Solo Performance of the Year, the 2018 United Solo Theatre Festival Best Educational Show Award and a sold out engagement at the National Black Theater Festival. Other performances include: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner (Ivoryton Playhouse), Amina Claudine Myers’ Generation IV, 2019 (NYC Winter Jazz Festival), Last Days of Judas Iscariot directed by Estelle Parsons (La Mama). She also recorded the CD, SONG FOR ALL, with her father the late Dr. Muhal Richard Abrams musician/composer/ visionary/co-founder of the Association For The Advancement of Creative Musicians (AACM). Richarda is a graduate of New York University Tisch School of the Arts and received a Bachelor of Fine Arts with honors in Acting, and NYU’s Steinhardt School of Culture, Education, and Human Development and received a Master of Arts in Educational Theater. www.firstbyfaith.com.

Jenny Lyn Bader (Equally Divine: The Real Story of Mona Lisa) is a playwright and theatre artist. Her plays include Mrs. Stern Wanders the Prussian State Library (Luna Stage), In Flight (Turn to Flesh Productions), and None of the Above (New Georges). One-acts include Worldness (Humana Festival) and Miss America (NY Intl Fringe, Best of the Fringe” selection). She co-founded Theatre 167, winner of the NY Innovative Theatre Foundations Caffé Cino Award. For This Is Not A Theatre Company, she co-authored Café Play (Cornelia St. Café) and wrote The International Local, a phoneplay” on the Subway Plays app. A Harvard graduate, she has received the 2019 Athena Playwriting Fellowship; Lark Playwriting Fellowship (nominated by Wendy Wasserstein); and the Edith Oliver Award (Eugene O’Neill Center). Her work has been published by Dramatists Play Service, Vintage, Applause/Limelight, Smith & Kraus, Lincoln Center Theater Review, W.W. Norton, and The New York Times, where she served as a frequent contributor to the “Week in Review.” She is a member of the Dramatists Guild. For more, see www.jennylynbader.com. Twitter: @JennyLynBader

Karen Eterovich (Cheer from Chawton: A Jane Austen Family Theatrical) (AEA, SAG-AFTRA, Dramatists Guild, LPTW) has toured nationally and internationally for 25 years as a solo artist. Her award-winning play, Love Arm’d, Aphra Behn & Her Pen has been performed in more than 30 states and across the pond at the Bedlam Theatre in Edinburgh, Scotland and at the Mission Theatre, Bath, UK. Cheer from Chawton, A Jane Austen Family Theatrical has toured coast to coast from Stockton, CA to NYC to the Mission Theatre in Bath, England. Cheer has been invited and performed in Bath, England in 2006, 2007, 2010 and 2019. Recent NYC Credits: Hudson Warehouse: Lady Catherine in Pride & Prejudice, Gertrude in Hamlet, Queen Anne in The Three Musketeers, Miss Prism in The Importance of Being Earnest. Also multiple roles in a three-person Christmas Carol with the First Flight Theatre Company in 2019 in New Jersey. MFA Acting University of South Carolina, Internship at the Shakespeare Theatre at the Folger. www.lovearmd.com

About The Theater at the 14th Street Y The Theater at the 14th Street Y focuses on social awareness and change through big picture narrative. Inspired by works that welcome artists of all backgrounds, we place artists at the heart of our community and seek to create an inclusive and open cultural experience for all. Art is incubated here.

About the 14th Street Y We are a vibrant community center grounded in the belief that contemporary Jewish sensibilities can be a source of inspiration, connection, and learning for the individuals and families we serve throughout downtown Manhattan. We focus on health and fitness, education and enrichment programs, and innovative arts and cultural programming.

We are committed to the development of the whole person and bettering peoples lives and strengthening individual and family connections by building an inclusive, vibrant, and sustainable community.

The 14th Street Y is part of Educational Alliance, which brings together and partners with diverse communities in Lower Manhattan, offering individuals and families high-quality, multi-generational programs and services that enhance their well-being and socioeconomic opportunities.

Contact: Marcia Pendelton Walk Tall Girl Productions 917.334.6492 [email protected]

Women’s History Solo Series Co-presented by The Theatre For Immediate Release They weren't supposed to read, write, or look you in the eye. … But they did.

#Broadway #play #production #women&039;s history month

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asksansweredpdf · 6 years ago

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These are actually solid questions

1. First thing you wash in the shower? my hair

2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? i can’t stand coffee. and alcohol might as well be my blood at this point

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? haha noooo. he was nice but i felt literally nothing. was like kissing a brick wall or something. tbh i never feel much when i kiss boys

4. Do you plan outfits? YES. i’m a drama queen and a diva and flamboyant and i need to look good always. i have my graduation in 2 days and i still haven’t planned what to wear and it’s bothering me

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? tbh pretty numb. like not happy and not sad. just. .... chillin

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? my track pants

7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body? well with the mood im in now, i probably wouldn’t react. but the logical side of my brain would kick in and i’d phone it in to the police.

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? it’s still that one about the creepy old dude touching me in the car.

9. Three of your current feelings? -introspective -apathetic

-wistful

10. What are you craving right now? tbh i would very much love to hug my stuffed pink harold. but he’s downstairs and i just don’t have the energy to walk haha

11. Turn ons? not rly in the mood to answer these

12. Turn offs?

13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? this vine

14. When was the last time you cried? Why? idk like over a month ago. i had to work a thursday night shift which is always super stressful. and that day my sister just started beating the shit out of me so the anxiety was like double

15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be? ironman. any day. or spiderman because it’d be fun to just swing around the city listening to music peacefully

16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? nope. she doesn’t even know that i know about half the shit she did. never ever apologised about the stuff she knows i know about. no acknowledgement. no apology. just pretends it never happened

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? lick it

18. Favorite movie ever? idk i like frozen and pride and prejudice and the hunger games

19. Do you like yourself? i like myself, but i can’t seem to justify why. i don’t really have an identity. i don’t know what i’m like. and so it’s hard to like myself when i don’t know what i like about my self, or why i do. but i enjoy being myself.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity? i met stan walker once? he’s a minor celebrity in australlia

21. Could you handle being in the military? part of me would thrive in the structure and forced exercise and socialisation. another part of me would completely crumble because like i have anxiety

22. What are you listening to right now? i don’t give a ... - missio

23. How many countries have you visited? india, america, canada, australia. so 4 i guess

24. Are your parents strict? you betcha

25. Would you go sky diving? sure yeah. i’m afraid of heights so the adrenaline would be wild

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? nah. i dont give a shit about him. maybe i’d go if he paid for the food.

27. Whats on your mind right now? literally nothing. mostly thinking about endgame. i’m also thinking about taking my mum’s anti anxiety meds since she doesn’t use them and i have anxiety. but i don’t want to take them without professional advice. but also, i am a professional advice. and like what could happen? i’d get mentally ill?

28. Is there anything you want to say to someone? nah i dont really feel like talking atm. i guess i’d ask if they wanted to go for a smoke. i would love a cig rn

29. Have you ever been in a castle? no but i would love to!!

30. Do you rent movies often? not really, i just watch stan/netflix

31. Whats your zodiac sign? cancer sun, leo moon, libra rising

32. When was the last time you had sex? i haven’t had sex

33. Name five facts about yourself. i honestly don’t think i know enough about myself to do this but let’s give it a go -i have short hair -i love music more than literally anything -i turn 21 this year and i have no idea what to do for it -i’m thinking of getting a motorbike soon -i’ve never broken a bone

34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened? nope

35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny? i used to. and i absolutely would love to believe in all that stuff. but not to sound angsty or whatever, i’ve had so many shitty things happen to me that it’s hard for me to believe that it’s all part of some big plan or that there is any justice in the world. i think people just do shit and that’s it

36. Brown or white eggs? ive never had white eggs so..... brown?

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? nah we dont have it in australia

38. Ever been on a train? yeah man i love trains

39. Ever been in love? not mutually, no

40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it? it’s a million bucks. absolutely. one night of terror to never have to worry about anything ever again. i’m a witch too so as much as i’d be scared, it’d be fine.

41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with? someone rich and famous. maybe harry styles or freddie mercury. i’m sure they didn’t have it easy, but it’s certainly easier than things have/ever will be for me you know?

42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it? absolutely

43. Whom do you admire and why? i tend not to admire irl people. but i do admire tony stark a lot (GOD this is so lame ksajrsjkfs). i admire his charisma, his confidence, his humour, his good looks, his intelligence, his eyes. he embodies everything i feel like i can never be. but everything i’ll always want to be. i admire freddie mercury. for his work drive and ethic. for his confidence and stage presence, his ability and talent in singing, songwriting, musical instruments. his flamboyancy, his sense of humour. again, these are all qualities i would love to have.

44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child? oh i never really got read bedtime stories

45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do? internally, i’d be like “that sucks for you” and walk away. but i can’t be a dick, so i’d assess the extent of the fire and see if there was a way to save the baby. i’d try if so, if not idk what i’d do. panic and call 000?

46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you? nah man. gotta let kids live their lives

47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol? alcohol: the night i just moved out of home 2 weeks ago. my roommate invited a friend over, and we all had fun and played never have i ever and i flirted with this really cute guy and had so much fun. i hadn’t really had any experiences like that before because i was - anyway. it was nice to feel like a normal 19 year old just for a second weed: either the time i was drunk and high at our housewarming party and went to the park and felt like i was on a fucking rollercoaster, or the time i got super cooked after work and had a shower which felt amazing and then went back to my room and listened to beautiful people beautiful problems. i didn’t hallucinate per se, but i closed my eyes and could like see the lyrics “blue is the colour of the planet from the view above”. it was like i was in outer space and could see the earth and i was so relaxed and it was so magical mdma: my halloween party! there were so many people and no one knew i was high and we had a mad dance party and i met some of our neighbours and i just had so much fun talking to everyone and Living.

48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol? alcohol: being around boring people when drunk is boring. especially because when i’m drinking i really want to have a good and fun time. weed: ahh i have anxiety so i used to get a few panic attacks when i was smoking mdma: eugh it was my friends 21st at the time and we took mdma and i thought it wasnt kicking in because all we did was sit in bed and talk. literally so boring. im so mad that i wasted my first time like that

50. As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it? nah, i’d probably hand it in to the police. actually, i dont trust the police so i’d probably google what to do with it. but probably police because i cant have stolen money or give it to someone else.

51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them? not hanging out with someone because of that has literally never even crossed my mind

52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger? nah. i’m actually going places now days

53. How old were you when you lost your virginity? tba

54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires? nope

55. If you could live forever, would you want to? yeah probably. i’d like to give it a trial run though. i’m very anxious, so being lonely and immortal might make it worse. but at the same time, being immortal might make it easier to not give a shit and to be less anxious

56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are? honestly i feel like jane villanueva or peter parker

57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit? i would love to be a victorian bitch with a bomb ass dress and waist

58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it? probably not. unless it was someone i really hated, i wouldnt give a shit

59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it? i mean i wouldn’t be the best person for the job, but i also wouldn’t be the worst. if i could have time to properly study politics then yeah i’d consider.

60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to? i’d probably want a girl but i dont really see any reason to not have a boy

61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy? be wealthyyyyyy

#mine

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jordyx1000 · 7 years ago

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Scorpion Mouth. Celebrating the Inner Self - Exist.

Whoa, How do you start a conversation with yourself. Something you haven't had in a long time. I firstly, get some tobacco and turn on Spotify. Hold on.

The Date: October 28th. 2017. I haven't touched this thing, since the last time I felt alone. Notice how I say feel? I am completely not alone, I have you. You are hearing my mind right now, through my fingers, transcribed to a monitor. Through your eyes, the light shines. Receptors balance the emotions, context. They bend your muscles, in accordance, you have a reciprocated attack. What happened to me this year. Well, for starters, I got honorably discharged from the navy. I Served 8 solid years. Loved, hated it...just like everything else I suppose. I reluctantly got home. I didn't want to go “home”. In my mind, my family needed it more then I did. I felt like I returned for them. With my selfishness aside, oh selfishness, what have you done. We will talk about you later. Noone knows the true meaning of starting over, until you literally start over in a new world. That is what it felt like. What is the first thing you do, when you return, try and adapt, survey the land...analyze the roads to which you will be traveling soon. Try and remember everything, tips and tricks. Reconnect with the people who said that they wish you were back home. Of course that novelty wears off, “the new guy” suddenly becomes the same guy, just years later. That is fine, that is expected, that is life. That was my life for years and years. What do you do for work? Man, I basically just milked my funds, lived off the land. Traveled, reconnect, travel, reconnect. Months. Then reality sets in, you become apart of the machine and meld into the landscape. This isn't why I came here though, to talk about life. Or the normality of life. The things that everyone goes through.

I came here for the end. The opposite of life. Death. The death, the rot, the muscle spasm-twitch, eyes roll back, decomposition. I came here to talk to you about what its like to watch something die. I wanna talk about CPR, breathing in, out, watching the lungs fill and shrink. Watching the skin start to fade in color. The tears, the constant overwhelming feeling of watching something you love, fade into the unknown. The future of life. but the death of it at the same time. Such a weird paradox to me, to think, something can die, and become unknown, within the actually living to die, and fade to the unknown.

I wandered a bit. In the darkness. To me at that point, it wasn't dark. Looking back, it was very dark. Something really weird happened to me. Randomly, it makes me so sick at how random it was. I guess I will start with the real reason I came here.

Sometime in May, I met the love of my life. I say that with a lot of weight, I knew from the very second I met her, I loved her. She moved, so beautifully. But with a slight anger, a slight badass blend. It wasn't like I was looking at a golden angel, wings spread. It was like I was watching a real, raw, human, skin and all. It didn't take long for me to realize, she has a lot of darkness in her. I liked that, in a sick way. I love the idea, of someone spilling their guts about how raw life can be. The true feelings. Not some tv show, not staged. Just raw. My life, was dark, but it wasn't that dark. My problems were normal problems. She had a baby, only a month old. I didn't like the idea at first, I probably expressed that in an ackward way. I actually was very wary about it. To the point, where I would contemplate texting her. Up until this point, it was a deal breaker. Something about her drew me in, I could write words all day to the feeling I felt, but I sincerely cant. I am not skilled enough to draw up human emotions like that. I decided very early on, that I would try and do everything I could, to build her spirits. Like a fucked up project. That I loved. So fucking much. Just to talk about things, life, real fucking life. I knew about a week in, she had a drinking problem. The subject of anxiety was brought up, played off, you know. Noone wants to overload someone with so many different things like that. It is scary, I know I wouldn't. In my head, I knew she was taking pills and drinking. I just didn't want to think it was an issue. I just buried it. I should have left that first week though, that concert was horrible. Some of the worst times ive ever had. Completely lost control of my situation. I don't think I ever fully recovered from that. I just buried it

We would go on walks, and talk about life. One subject in particular was the subject of her daughter, the creation of her daughter, and the future. Where was her dad? I remember vividly thinking, she probably doesn't want him in her life, and he wants too. I couldn't imagine being a new dad, and not seeing my kid. This isn't the 70′s. You don't want to perceived as a douche bag via social media. That can ruin your social standing. with life. In my head I knew he wanted to be in the picture. I also remember her, telling me, he wants nothing to do with her. I said, “So what happens when he gets alittle bit older”. Of course, the natural defense, she says, “Noway, he is a fuck”. Probably alittle more summarized, but you get the jyst, I had a full adult conversation, unselfishly delving deeper into her mind about it. Ha, selfish. I remember you. I'm going to take a break for a second. Before I get into the meat, the heavy, darkness that ensues.

Ok, I am back. the time 8:20 pm.

I don't edit. I don't reread. So I apologize completely. I feel like all that nonsense, takes away from what really matters. What is my perception. What is my vision of the world around me. I am not trying to be biased, or sway judgement, I promise to be 100% fair and just.

I get it, so far you probably feel like something was wrong with me for dealing with the little stuff, if I felt so weird about it. There was something wrong with me, and it wasn't her. So far from her. I wasn't using her darkness to feel better about myself. I wish I could, at not one point did I feel like I was capable of feeling good about myself. I dated a girl, for three years, a hard 3 years. Just two people, trying to figure out life. It ended weirdly, so in my mind, I knew there were things I needed to change. I was depressed. So depressed. The reasons I came home, for being there for my family, turned quickly into realizing, I wasn't really needed here. I could have went anywhere, and everything would have been just fine. That set in so hard. To fully understand you weren't as needed as you thought you were going to be. But I am grown, for seconds in the week, it would flash flood my mind, and as quickly as it was there, it was gone. For split seconds, I would let myself revert back into that mode. I wasn't doing anything, just thinking, no friends to keep my mind off of the shit. I miss that aspect so badly. That got me through everything, someone saying something stupid to laugh at. Someone going through something difficult to make you realize its not so bad.

Wow, this song. “You stay above me forever, like you stay above me now”

Dear in the headlights. Midwestern Dirt. Fucking crazy I'm hearing this. Music helped me, it helped me and her. not once did we hate each other through the music. You cannot lose that. I realize that now. When you love something, you hold it tightly. I wouldn't say I am a romantic person. I love seeing the girl I'm with happy. I do have this jealousy problem, where I get annoyed when someone else makes my girl happier then I do. I guess, I don't get upset that she is happy, I get upset with myself that I didn't blow that shit out the water and make her happier. Does that make me psychotic? is that normal? How do you google that to see. I never would want something bad to happen to anyone. But sometimes, I do wish things that have happened to me, that they have caused, would happen to them. I guess that's fucked up.

She wasn't a bad person, she isn't a bad person. She was going through a lot of things. I thought I was badass, I thought I was gonna be able to take care of all this shit. My dude hands. handling business. But you slowly realize, no matter how much you have helped people in your life, sometimes, you don't know all of the answers. The biggest problem I have in my life, is getting frustrated that I cannot fix things. I have heard so many times in my life “slow down” “take a breath”. I get frustrated. Panicked. Nervous. annoyed. That whole aspect stretched from making breakfast, to talking to the one you love. It fucked me up. in the end. You don't really grasp it. Until you write it down. When so many things pile up, before you can fix the first instance, it gets out of hand to me. melt down. I say things I don't mean out of frustration. anger. I wish it was something anger management could help with, but I have to much pride to think I cant fix something on my own. How do you even start? Ok break time. 8:40pm

841pm I was thinking again. The direction. The timeline. A few weeks of us hanging out, the news came. Ol’ Boy wants a bit of custody with his daughter. She was in tears. Devestated. I didn't console enough, I knew this day was going to come. No dude, in his right mind wants to not see something he created. I don't care who you are. I remember hearing again, how much of a piece of shit he was for this. I defended him, and remember vividly, getting scolded. taking his side. That conversation was brought up a number of times as an “arguemenet” I created. Sincerely trying to be rational, and reasonable. That isn't what you do to a girl, going through that I thought. She is right, she needs me to defend her, talk shit about him. I just couldn't do it. 8:45pm

851pm This is amazing. The feeling, of talking without worrying about what the fuck I say.

I want to take it back to the best seconds of our connection. I remember standing in that room. Her baby, in her arms. I just held her for the first time, my girl loved it. I remember so clearly her eyes, they were filled with desire. We never did anything but hug before then, I was scared beyond belief. Never once in my life, have I been worried about a physical connection. She needed it, I needed it, the icing on the cake for us. The third arm to this perfect triangle. I hesitated. And failed. Stupid. I feel like we already did, I felt like we made the most beautiful love through our eyes. All the feeling that comes from it, was there, we both knew it. All but the physical sensation, that mentality never left. Months later, we still made love like that. Passionate. Through the eyes. It wasn't two people trying to be in a porno, it was two people so connected. I don't think I could top that, as sad as it is. That third arm. It was there, 33% of our relationship was perfect. flawless. I remember slowly going outside with her, laying down on that blanket. Commiting myself to a literal perfect existence. If there was a good version of selling your soul to the devil, that is what I felt. I completed a part of life that day. feeling the heaviest amount of passion, I have ever felt. 8:57pm

9:06pm Ok, Yah, that was amazing. Still think about that time everyday. That was the sole memory that kept me alive. Mentally. You couldn't top it. Something out of a movie. I felt smooth, sauve, but it was just us, together, full of passion. That doesn't happen to everyone. I am blessed I got to feel that. She was drinking those days. I was being unsupportive. I didn't understand the problem until recently. Right before mediation actually. When we talked. She was freaking out, didn't ask me how my day was, just completely went on this rant about how her therapist wouldn't talk to her. I didn't realize the significance, until that point. I am incredibly ashamed that I didn't. I knew it was a problem, but didn't grasp it. Sometimes I stay ignorant by choice. Complaining about everything you think is shit, doesn't do anything. Sometimes just keeping it locked away, works. it didn't for this. not at all. I didn't grow up in a home where therapy was “needed”, although looking back, it would have helped...and I probably wouldn't be writing about all this now. I failed her in that sense, not understanding enough. it isn't that I didn't want to, it is just the complete unknown. It doesn't register to me, as something that needs to be addressed, because I lived a whole life without hearing about it. I don't consider that being selfish, not once did I feel like I was better then her. Not once did I feel like I had no problems, even though I was told I thought I was flawless. Told I need to look in the mirror. I guess you could read these, and understand I looked in the mirror a lot. Not many dudes, almost 30, take the time on their Saturday night to write on tumble. not a lot of dudes are as intune to their minds and how things work like I am. I am by no means saying I am better then them, I'm just saying I have tried my hardest to understand. whether it is right or wrong. I have tried...so fucking hard. I don't blame her for her addiction, I asked if it was an addiction early on. I was told it wasn't. I couldn't play ignorant. Another instance where I wasn't making my girl happier then what her pills make her. That is really fucking sad to me. And when I cant fix something, I lose my cool. Ive known that forever. I'm not saying she is the cause, I am just saying, for the first time in my life, I'm talking with someone who amps me up to the point where I am hurting someones feelings. I would never physically hurt anyone. I would never tell someone they are good for nothing. I would never tell someone to kill themselves. I would, and did, tell someone they are weak. The saddest moment in my life. To judge someone, based on their own encounters. Fucked up. I regreted that conversation, from the beginning. I remember asking her to stop taking medicine, or don't talk to me. Why? Was that selfish? To want someone to get better? I am at a stand still with understanding that. 9:17

9:31pm I always why we never did anything creative together. I know we both wanted too. Collaborate. Do something amazing. Apart of me thought, she is just going through too much right now, the last thing she wants to do is stretch her already stretched mind. It is intimidating, knowing someone is going through so much. The balance, the middle ground. Of course, of fucking course, I do some fucked shit and say something I don't mean, and that careful tight rope that I delicately tried to balance, begins to rattle and shake. “Don't do that again, you are going to kill us.” I like to think, no one rememebers the good steps of the tight rope, only the sections where your life is in danger. Even though, your life stays constantly in danger. you don't say, “Well I almost died, but those first good steps were so good”. That isn't the human way. We automatically lash out at the chance. You didn't died, but you almost did. ontop of almost dying just by walking acrossed it in the first place. Those kind of thoughts, goon me up. 9:35pm

9:36.

Am I a monster? Jordon surrey, are you a fucking monster. Are you a menace. A psychotic, sociopath?

I keep writing the times. I save it, and then take a second to breath. turn to a different song. This is the most ive written in one session in years and years. I remember when my mom put a word processor in my room. I would write stories. “They gotta make a movie about this”. I wish I still had those. I couldn't imagine what they would say. Kids are lucky, or is that lucky? So have everything you have ever written saved? My ex girlfriend of 3 years came into the picture pretty quickly. Those messeges were saved. Every conversation we ever had. The girl I was with, she read them. What does that do to the dynamic? she has you figured out? Comparing you now, to the you then. without any sort of context but words you wrote. She judged me on those. That was a dark feeling to me. So vunerable, and yet so misunderstood. I don't want to talk about that anymore. It shouldn't have happened. I don't think its selfish to be upset with that, those are not conversations like this. This is pure, mental, public, words. Those were between two people, who were on an unimaginable plane of existence. You cant look at those, and compare. They mean nothing out of context. I speak my mind, me and her, we didn't have the passion me and this girl did. it wasn't the same, but it was what I knew. for years and years. it takes a minute to realize that isn't the girl you were talking to. You wont ever know who that girl was, and that is the saddest part. 942pm

946

I don't really know, if I am a monster. Or what we be happening right now if things were different. If I handled things differently. The main issues were still there. I think if the timeline didn't play out, I think she would still be drinking. Or maybe not, maybe she drank because of me. I hate bringing up the fact she drank, because who the fuck cares. She can drink? it is her body. it is her life. if she wants to do that, she can. If I didn't know her, I wouldn't give a fuck less if she drank. I hated it. I despised when she drank. It was so unattractive to me. It is like holding, the perfect red, shiny apple. Such a great shape. Smell. You want to bite it. But then you turn it around...and its rotten. You have to eat around it...but you cant get close...you don't want that shit even near to your mouth. You had to address that It was there, had to try and get rid of it. Digging it the fuck out. layer by layer, until you hit the core. I knew it was an issue. it was clear as day. Not as clear as my own issues, but it was something that needed to be addressed. I cant remember an argument not consisting of drinking. Such a waste of a good apple. Was that selfish of me? to want to get rid of the rot? Before I bite it, love it, consume it? I don't know. I miss the good times so much. Half way through these months, I realized we were going to get married. Like come on!? I...Jordon surrey, wanted to marry someone. not just say it, not just express it...but need it. Desire it more then anything. What the fuck?!?!? Life is fucked. The death consumes. I have to take a break, before I talk about what is really wrong with me. What I did wrong. 9:45pm

The day comes. Everything is in full effect. The babies father is back in the picture. I'm at work. I get a call after saying that everything went good. he is coming back to the house, and that she knows I'm probably not gonna feel good about it. I don't. Who would. The most secure person, would be insecure about having the babies father in the picture. Especially remembering back to that first kiss. the first time we locked eyes and made mental love. the baby was right there. she was with us. My time was consumed with making sure my girls life wasn't flipped upside down. and instead of hers being flipped upside down, mine was. The father is given the fucking right, to see and be there for his daughter. there is no doubt about that. That is something that has to fucking happen. and to be even slightly upset for him given that chance is bullshit. He deserves it. It dick, created that child. Just as much as her vagina did. He deserves to see his baby girl. But yet, I still remain upset? I can sort through everything in my head, and avoid the anger being about him getting to be there for his daughter. That isn't my place, to take his place. I helped while he was away. I knew he was coming, and the baby needed a father. Yah, I didn't do enough for her, in the sense. I gave everyone space. Because I knew he was coming back. The only thing that sticks into my head, about the anger. Is the fact that, I know nothing about him, besides the negative shit ive heard. I know he was a drug head. Drunk. unsupportive, child. stupid. couldn't spell. didn't like good music. fake. And boom, he is here. I understand the biase. I understand she will talk shit about him. But I don't understand, why everyone gets to learn about him but me. The only one who fucking supported him seeing his fucking daughter. is that selfish? I don't fucking know. but it makes my eyes well up...just thinking about it. I wish I could shake his fucking hand. and tell him I had his fucking back since the start. jesus fucking Christ. I'm so sorry dude. ive met dudes, who didn't get to see there kids for months after they were born...crying. devastated. sad. I couldn't imagine. I got to take a break. 1007

1010

I want to start this by talking about my insecurities. I know her. I know her desire for a normal family. What would be the easiest way for that baby to be happy. If the bio mom and dad....hashed it out. got it together. and started fresh. I feel like a lot of the anger towards me, is coming from this fact. I was justifiably upset. I can be upset. I was allowed no contact with my girlfriend while she is with him. While he is learning to do the things I did. It is a strange society to think that is how shit works. I was starting to feel like this idea of me being a piece of shit, unsupportive person, was to take me out of the picture so she could start fresh with a guy. she stopped drinking. he stopped doing pills. wasn't that the problem? he probably doesn't even know she was in a relationship. It sounds to me, everyone is doing a lot better then they were a year ago. It also sounds to me, that I am abusive, controlling, inconsiderate, unsupportive, selfish. when I have done nothing but put myself into a position where I had to be for months and months. you couldn't function without those things, and I did up until the very day he came back. the very day she saw him for the first time in a year. This is just me talking through my mind. not once am I saying this is what actually is happening. I am clueless. I am just building a text wall based on the thoughts I have. nothing to sway my emotions any other way right now. just pure feeling. 1016

1020

I went to her house the day after he was there for the first time. Clear head. Just wanted to apologize for lashing out, telling her she brought darkness into my life. She did. but she also brought a lot of happiness that to me, weighed out the vibration on the tight rope. I spent about two hours, just playing with the baby. I wanted to take my girl out, do something, go somewhere to breath. get out of the house. we got around to it. and got our things together and left. When we started driving, of course, the father was brought up. she said she thinks it would help if I had a say in trying to decide the days. That had nothing to do with me, I appreciated the gesture, but I am quick to tell someone when I don't think I need that, if I don't need it. That is there plan, that is what parenting time is for. Nothing else. Hashing out the details of how their daughter is going to be taken care of. Learning how to take care of his daughter without the mom there. by himself. I just made the point, that I didn't understand why I couldn't meet him. Why I couldn't meet the dude who has been taking care of the baby that ive been a placeholder for. Yah that's a strong way to put it, I get it, I wouldn't have been a placeholder...I would have been her dad too. In the spur of things, I didn't put it out like that, she snapped, told me she was sick of dealing with two grown ass dudes acting like babies. I kept my mouth shut. She still is talking, god, she never stopped. I was driving back to her house, and she knew that. she knew talking about it still, was just going to make me realize she needs space. So I kept driving her home, pulled in, she was still talking. I sat there, calm. didn't say a word. just followed my breathing. She got out, I snapped for a second, and told her “have fun with a pill head”. Stupid. I went to my edge again, come on man. You had it going so well, just shut your mouth. If she would have been like, “you didn't say anything, I'm mad at you’ she wouldn't have said “you said something so I'm mad at you”. The tight rope was shaking, violently, the walk to that point didn't matter. The fact that I wanted to take her, and do something productive didn't matter. The fact that I didn't say what she wanted me to say, made me selfish. Was I selfish that day? I don't know. 1028

1029 Why does this all upset me. It doesn't really. It is ecpected, when human emotions are fucked with, anything can happen. This isn't a Hollywood movie, where couples jump in the rain after a good solid dinner. It is real life, real problems. I will be the first one two admit. My scorpion mouth fucked shit. Learning how to deal with someone is what it is all about. She couldn't deal with me, so she turned her head. I am realistic, if she has these thoughts about me, nothing I can say will change that. If she wants to think I am a burden, nothing will change that. I am a grown adult, despite what she wants to believe. It isn't hard to say that she could find someone else. Not me, not him, just someone else who fits her better, who is less of a stress to figure out. If it gets to the point where someone doesn't have enough to offer, then move on. It is 2017. People can come and go, easy if you let them. She was worth it to me, but it was impossible for me to stop the vibrating. The shaking near death. My balance wasn't perfect, but it was great. Given the worn rope I walked. I can deal with the hardest punches. I can forgive. I can let go. If I have without a reason of a doubt, that someone doesn't want me around them, I leave. I left a lot with her. A lot of times, it was because she kept drinking. Yah, she didn't say she didn't want me around, but I hated it so much, I felt like she was doing it on purpose to get rid of me. Lately, ive looked into her eyes, and it goes somewhere else. Something else is taking the time. Something else is consuming her. It used to be me. But I became selfish, or atleast I have always been. Have I? what if I never met her. what if we never met, would she still think I was selfish. Would the dude she would be with, be selfish? is everyone alittle bit selfish. of course. Did I intentionally destroy us because that's what I wanted. Did I selfishly kill us? because I needed it? I don't know. I think she thinks, I did it on purpose. with how much she tells me how selfish I am. Was I selfish when I held her baby? Was that for me? did I just want to hold a baby? was I selfish when I talked to her, about everything, when I gave my input. could I have just hung up, or walked away? Could I be selfish now, if I still need her? is that selfish? do I just fuck shit up, to try it again. out of selfishness. Or am I trying? am I being given shit, and working with what I have? is that selfish, so work with what you have?1038

Does the sound of my voice, hurt her so much. Is it worth it to cut someone out? It is if you are not benefiting. Do I not benefit her? Today, she decided I didn't. And that is ok. That is life. You cannot please everyone. They sometimes think you are not trying. and then end up writing a novel. This is by no means, everything. These are just the things that shake my rope. I will continue this tomorrow. The longer I write, the more I miss her. And that doesn't do me any good anymore. The more time that passes, with us like this, the more these things wont matter to her. the more I wont matter to her. And that is fine, if she is happy. then her baby is happy. and that is life. ill be back.

To comprehend In the middle of the night To break a mood Without tearing up my spine The lights dim On my glow How will I move When this sun sets How will I move When the lights go out Without, My glow I cant shut my mouth, When my mind moves, I cant sleep at night, Without your sprawling roots but that is selfish, I saw her grinding teeth on a rusting spoon She is red, she is ready You danced around with no bones You say it always You did it always. I know, You were in love You said it always, You said it always,

My glow.

1047

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nanasshabyattic · 8 years ago

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Pinterest HI guys! Thanks for visiting my blog. I am always happy to see you. Most of this content was originally a Facebook post, but I got a few shares from some friends: so, I wanted to share it with all of you. I want to clear the air about a few questions, Ive been asked lately. Everything in my etsy shop is 100% handmade by me. The past year I spent a lot of time learning from someone who has been building & designing furniture for decades. Once I found out about chalk paint, it was ALL OVER FROM THERE ? I take pride in everything I create. Really. And I absolutely LOVE creating and making designs for every single product. I like designing custom Orders even more! It's a challenge when a customer asks for me to re-create an item I made a long time ago, and alter a few of the colors and maybe even the distressing style. It is so much fun for me! And just to clear the air- I often post products from other etsy shops and collaborators, to help support their business. If you want to know if it's an item I sell... you will have to read the description- god forbid! LOL we're all guilty of reading the 1st and last sentence. ?or click the link on my post. Also, 10% of the items in my online shop are not handmade by me, but are dropshipped to my store from other handmade shops. ? support. But trust me when I tell you, you will know the difference between my items and there's when you click on it. ? The rest of my items are 100% handmade by me and I didn't have any help. I know it's hard to believe- especially since I did everything so fast- but you can believe me! Etsy would shut me down SO FAST if any of my items were not created by me. They make their sellers provide physical proof of handmade creations at random: including photos of your products before, during, and after, the receipts for the materials, your bank statements, etc. And yes I also studied website creation, SEO optimization, successful business steps, online selling, packaging and shipping, freight shipping, product costs, SEO optimized product tags, search terms for my niche, and so much more. It has not been an easy for me and still, is NEVER easy. I have had no financial support to get this business started and with the student loans I have already borrowed, am not eligible for help. That in itself- makes everything 10x harder. Websites are really hard to build on your own. I had to learn how to use codes- billions of them. I make all of my own marketing campaigns and ads- I research all of my own campaign tags for my products. I did not spend money on marketing or advertisements and I do not ever plan to do so. I don't want people to follow my shop and purchase from me for the wrong reasons. I have spent months building my business on the foundation of honesty, love, and care for my potential buyers. And yes I am working out of my home. It's easier for me to create and design when I am in the comfort of my home. I plan to expand in the future, but, this is how I like it for now. I am proud of my handmade business and I plan to always provide a handmade experience. It fits. ❤️ I am never going to be an automated shop and I will never provide automated service. All of my customers will always be taken care of PERSONALLY. I plan to hire help in the near future but, I will still be communicating with my customers personally at some point during every custom order. And since my items are custom made and returns are rarely supported- I make sure all of my custom order products are made of top-quality, solid wood: every product is thoroughly inspected for flaws, thoroughly cleaned, and properly sanded- before I even consider starting the design process. It's not easy. And that's why I support others like me. It's why I support handmade products- the answer is simple. Handmade shops have handmade shop owners. And handmade shop owners put forth so much more effort into your product, than other businesses. There is actual hard work and real love put into the items- handmade businesses love what they do, and it shows! No 2 items will ever be exactly the same, and all-natural or non-toxic actually mean, "all-natural" and "non-toxic" ....Something a machine and mass production can never TRUELY provide for you. You can trust handmade shops- because our ingredients aren't hidden in the fine print. Fresh means "fresh" because custom orders are never made before you place in order. Handmade shop owners can always re-assure you that your product is 100% all natural- because well, we made it ourselves! Nothing goes into our items or added to our process that we are not a part of. No need to read to the bottom of all your labels, where it says "this product" was not tested on animals... only to find out 99% of the colorant in the product was tested and killed 5,000 animals last week: after you do your research. Why don't you have to worry about it when buying from a handmade shop? Again, our personal items are made with our own hands. We don't have 2,000 strangers producing our items. We're not throwing your item into a bin with 20000 other products and sticking a label on it, that say item number 48736843 (the number of identical products created by the same machine). None of us are identical. We all have different needs, wants, likes, dislikes, ideas, and we will never be the same as another person. We are individuals.ALL MARKETING IDEAS, PROMOS, etc. to the side for a moment; REALLY. This is just, how I honestly feel and why I have decided to go handmade. I work hard for my money- and I know you do to! Why in the world would you want to spend it on something that isn't made for you, created by machines that could never care about what YOU want or need- Mass production is about one thing and one thing only... getting more money. Labels are full of lies. Prices are a joke- you are over paying for under quality. All the time. And consistently researching every product before you buy it: no..just no. Nobody has time for that. ? This is why I'm bringing handmade and custom items to the market. Because like me, you work hard for your money! You deserve something created with you in mind: and handmade with you in mind! Everything I design is handmade with love, because I love what I do! And call me crazy, but I'm sick of being treated like a dollar sign. I'm sick of spending 6 hours on on the phone yelling at answering services and people I can't understand. & I'm sick of spending 3 days arguing with employees of businesses WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE BUSINESS THEY ARE WORKING FOR, & filling out countless forms to return items or get my money back from companies- when their product was nothing but a scam, lie, or not as expected. I'm over it. My brand will always be designed around the opposite of today's "customer service" my service will be custom to you! ??always. If you would like to check out all of the reclaimed furniture I created, & now sell as custom designs in my shop, visit my collection: Furniture Handmade Just for You If you would like to see all of the custom order decor I have in my shop, check out this collection: Decor Made Your Way To see all of the chalk & metallic paint colors I offer for custom furniture & decor: you can visit my Custom Colors product page. & please, if you are interested in getting product updates, specialty coupons & discount codes, & notifications of new blog posts- subscribe to my email list! It helps me out BIG TIME & I promise I rarely send out emails & unsubscribing is easy. Pinterest

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nanasshabyattic · 8 years ago

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