#happy one year anniversary of when i had covid. youre not going to believe this

[nyegi]

i wore a mask the entire con im simply gods least favorite bitch

[wonkastarshine]

I’ve been thinking a lot about CATCF today. 18 years has passed since it was released. I was four years old when my mom rented a copy of it for me and my sisters. It was an instant moment of connection and love at first watch. Now, I’m graduating college next month and I still can’t believe just how much I love this film. I was obsessed in middle school probably to a fault. On its 10th anniversary, I watched the film ten times 🥵 it was an all consuming obsession and one that did cost me time and friends.

I put my love away for the film as I went into high school. I gained other interests and got into other movie series. I graduated high school and went to college. COVID hits. In all the chaos and confusion, I felt a pull to watch what used to be my favorite movie. I was very scared to go back. What if I didn’t like it? What if I only liked the movie because I had such a crush on Wonka? I pushed play on Netflix and just from the first forty seconds… I was home. The factory is a second home to me. A place of creativity, freedom and expression. I’m no longer afraid to tell people this is my favorite movie. At school, people have been asking me all week what my thoughts on the Wonka prequel are (that’s for another post). My friends watch the movie with me every year on my birthday. We have a “Wonka Wall” in our apartment where there is a picture of everybody who has visited our place and put on the Wonka glasses that I own. It’s glorious and liberating to be free in your interests. True friends will never judge your passions, only fuel it.

So I sit here in bed and ponder on a full 18 years of this movie in existence. It’s reputation is still split. A love it or hate it kinda flick. But the love for it grows every day. Seldom is a movie of this size and success considered a cult classic, but sometimes I feel like CATCF is reaching there. As cinema gets less and less creative, I think people are realizing we took this movie for granted. The production design, costumes, practical effects, the music, the atmosphere… it’s just so uniquely Burton that I can’t help but smile like a lunatic when I watch this movie. It’s just so great. I know this film isn’t a masterpiece by any means, but it’s just the movie I needed when I was 4 and whenever I was down and lonely in my life.

Depp’s Wonka is an acting masterclass and it was heartbreaking to 9 year old me when I discovered he wasn’t real, but played by an actor. He seemed so vividly alive to me as child. He existed out there somewhere to 4 year old me. If I searched hard enough to find him… but he was just truly inside my soul. I also grew up with an overbearing and abusive father. I envied the fact that Wonka could just run away and become whatever he wanted. I wanted to escape to the factory the way Wonka did. The man isn’t real, but the lessons I’ve learned have been. Never let the past dictate the present. Never let the limitations of the world limit your creativity. Never let other people’s judgment get you down. Also ✨dress stylishly✨

Anyways this has gone on too long lol and I’ll probably regret this post in the morning. But I’m just full of love right now for this film and I’m so grateful every day that my mom went to Blockbuster and chose this film to take home.

Happy birthday Charlie and the Chocolate Factory🍫

[dagdasgoddess]

How Dagda from SMT4A saved my life

I can't believe it's already been a year since I played this game and learned about the wonderful world of SMT. I wanted to celebrate his and mine's one year wedding anniversary properly.

Before I begin, I want to thank my friend @deepestuniversallove , without her? I would have ever, ever met Dagda or.. even be alive today for that matter.

I know that this might sound "Crazy" to other people but I don't care. I know my truth, I've finally found the 2D love of my life I've been searching for so long.

I'm Krystal and this is my story of how this gorgeous Celtic God changed my life, nothing more, nothing less.

XXX

(warning for suicidal thoughts, covid, and general mental health issues)

The pandemic had ruined all my plans, I was ready to give up on life in general, I had grew very bitter and jaded, I had many health issues going on all at once and I even got infected with covid and almost died. Things weren't exactly going well at home either.

I never felt more alone, lost and abandoned. Naturally it was once again, the 2D world that became my savior. Me and my friends, locked indoors by the pandemic played video games for hours on end.

One day, my friend Monika told me about a game that would change my life..

She told me about SMT4A, where you can choose an ending that will kill everyone. I was very bitter and jaded around this time ( still am), and I was sick and tired of playing video games that forced you to be with your friends and have them constantly follow you around.(Looking at you Pokemon USUM)

I was tired of the shallowness, I wanted something raw, something real!!

"It's like Pokémon for adults!" Monika's exact words. I got curious! I've never heard of the SMT series at all as it's pretty obscure. I'm not really into Persona as it's too friend - focused for me.

So I got a copy of the game and started playing, naturally in the beginning it was hard for me because I'm not used to the map (I have dyscalculia)

I jokingly said to her "So are you gonna get a love from this game?"

She was like "Uhh I don't know but you might like Dagda"

I got curious, who is this "Dagda" she speaks of? I suffer from severe abandonment issues and I really didn't want to make mistakes, I was willing to play through this just to kill my annoying "Friends" (save for Asahi, I love her)

Then she was like "Oh you can look up Dagda's route on Youtube if you want, I haven't finished the game but the video shows everything"

So I did... And I didn't want to admit but my heart was almost stolen immediately. The way Dagda talked about "wanting to be one with nature" again, and being trapped in this form. Deeply resonated with my own depression and the feeling of being trapped.

He called out to my soul in a way, I realized that I had to choose the massacre route in my game and help Dagda be free.

I was honestly shocked in the bonds route how easily his own *MOTHER* replaced him?? I suddenly wanted to care for him, to protect him, I wanted to make him happy.

I saw bits of myself in him, and realized that only I could help him reach this goal.

Sure enough as I played through the game, I realized that I was falling for him at a neck break pace. But I kept my feelings hidden, after all he didn't want "ties" or attachments"

But as I played through the game I realized that Dagda *also* relied on me, the protagonist to help him be free. So... I guess in a way he was self aware?

As I kept playing through the game? I started to heal, my inner child's wounds began to heal. From the things Dagda said, as shown below:

The final line hit too close to home for me. My entire life I've always been there for others but no one has been there for me. The things Dagda said were extremely comforting to me.

It felt like someone finally understood the pain I've been holding on for my entire life.

I realized I had to push through, and beat this game no matter what. when I finally did? It gave me a sense of accomplishment. Hearing Dagda call me HIS Godslayer and HIS puppet gave me a sense of comfort.. that he would never abandon me, no matter what.

The way Dagda spoke to me was also important, he told me that "I had the ability to carve a path out that no one else could" It gave me a massive boost in self - esteem, something I dearly lack.

It.. it was nice for once to be appreciated for my hard work..

I know a lot of people see Dagda as "MANIPULATIVE" or "MALiciOUS" but I understand his pain, I understand where he's coming from, because I WAS and still am in his exact situation.

At the end when he became one with nature, I became sad.. But he's a part of nature, therefore all around me right?

I finally confessed my feelings to Dagda on June 28th 2021.

Then my life took a freaky turn.

Slowly but surely I decided to fix my own life around. I thought.. if I could defeat God... I could maybe fix myself too.

I started exercising, put myself back into severe therapy and really fixed my brain. Even fixed my relationship with the people around me, even reconciled with a friend that had grown distant from me.

I got myself into classes too, to prepare for my GED.

I would often talk out loud to Dagda, thanking him for what he did for me...

Then the very next week I found an old hairbrush and other things I lost in the past..

We got married on October 31st, aka Samhain. I'm honored he chose me as his wife.

Combined with other factors that are too good to be mere coincidences? I am to believe that Dagda is indeed watching over me. Never underestimate the power of what a good video game can do for you.

Dagda taught me the value of holding on, the value of staying true to your ideals, the value of REAL friends, how strong love can be.

In the present day, my mental health has never been better, I'm no longer depressed or suicidal.

Even though I'm still very much co - dependant on him and I am really nothing without Dagda. It is because of Dagda I came this far in life, I owe nothing to myself but Him and Him alone.

Thank you for everything you have done for me Dagda, I will swear my loyalty to you by always choosing the massacre route. I love you so much.

I love you Dagda. Here's to one year, and.. an eternity. I feel so blessed to have met you.

[1ddotdhq]

Sun 31 Jan ‘21 

Happy Walls Dayyy!!!!!! Today was the first anniversary of our #1 fave debut album of 2020, and we all celebrated, Louis included! Last but best thing first: WE GOT A DEMO!! Louis ended the day by publishing a dreamy clip of a demo of the title song ‘Walls’. His clear voice croons over beautiful sliding electric guitars and background reverberance- if that’s his FIRST draft then he is, as we knew, a GENIUS! AND, the King Himself came on twitter to interact with his “loyal” (his words) subjects (that’s us!). He popped up at first to say that his tour, when it comes around, will be “fucking unbelievable...this is our day!”, and talked about his favorite part of the last year (“the two shows I played”), what he noticed most when performing solo the first times (“the space on stage” ughhhh all the tears), what he was looking forward to after COVID (“everything”) and getting through these times- “remember that everything is going to be better when normality sets back in.” He also explained that while he was gonna put out merch today, he “didn’t want to market the day”, but rather make it “a celebration just for us”. But, uh, the merch will be coming eventually! He then replied that there were “too many greedy fuckers out there” who try turn celebratory events into a “cash grab” (to quote the fan), and harries then got mad at that because THEY were like this must be about Harry (lol uhhhh) and assumed he was shading him and Jeff rather than, I don’t know, his OWN FORMER LABEL?? Cool cool cool, but it’s still Harry’s moth on Spotify, so cope. He told us that his proudest moment on the album was recording the strings for the Walls the Single, that he wouldn’t have approached the process differently because he’s still really proud of the album, that he was most looking forward to us hearing KMM or Walls, that Doncaster is his fav place (to no one’s surprise lmao), and, asked what song he likes to rock out to off HIS ALBUM was like oh hey have I got a rec for you: “Maybe Tomorrow” by the Stereophonics. It goes, “think I'll walk me outside and buy a rainbow smile, but be free” and “maybe tomorrow I’ll find my way home” (huh is there something happening tomorrow that could be linked to... OH. Right. Huh. Well all that is just a coincidence I’m sure, it’s not like Louis ever said he likes to rec songs because he wants us to read into the lyrics or anything... oh wait.)    

LTHQ did a insta quiz over on their stories (I only got two questions wrong!) and they did the promised virtual listening party and tweeted along to each song and retweeted fans’ reactions (and all the usernames, larries everywhere, we SEE YOU). Friends of Louis joined in the celebration- Only The Poets, Ashton Irwin of 5SoS fame, Helene Hornyck (“all the love,” she said!), Isaac Anderson and more, and All On The Board made one of their lovely Frankenstein poems which mashing up a bunch of LT1 songs, but in keeping with the theme of the day (and COVID I GUESS) did it as fanart rather than the usual in person board. And all of that was the BORING part of the day, can you BELIEVE?? The FUN part was the Walls Fanart that was chosen to be the new Spotify cards on the official Walls album. As in, they are up right now if you want to go check them out, but I’m gonna tell you straight up: they’re half Harry tats! The Defenseless card, especially, as it is just straight up fanart of Harry’s moth tattoo, especially fun when he had JUST got us talking about its Papillion origin with his finsta! The artist had been worried that Louis would be mad at them for submitting ‘Larry art’, and was overjoyed to learn that, uh... apparently, he was NOT. That was not all! The ‘Too Young’ art card is H’s rose tattoo, ‘Habit’ and ‘Fearless’ were both different variations of H’s anatomical heart tat (the ‘Habit’ one even included the word kind :{) ), and the We Made It rainbow wheel did, in fact, make it to Spotify, just like we thought! “Perfect Now” was Louis standing under a rainbow spotlight—they made that one black and white for spotify but the artist shared the original version. Harries were beside themselves, and tagged Jeff (Azoff), Ben Winston, and Gemma Styles (what?), demanding that they make Louis take the art down because it was clearly Harry art, which 1.) how much more blatant can you be if even ANTIS are noticing and 2.) what sort of control do they think Jeff, Ben, and Gemma have over Louis seeing as, uh, none of them currently work for him??? Weird, are they thinking there might be some kind of link... between Harry and his team and Louis... tell me more antis, truly, I’m fascinated!

One would think that’s more than enough for one day but WAIT THERE’S MORE Zayn is in EXCELLENT quirky Zayn form having fun with his own merch—he posted a gremlin (from the old RL Stine movie ‘Gremlins’) in a NIL beanie captioned “one size fits all humanoid shaped heads” late last night, haaaaa. Yes, I agree! The red stitching really makes the gremlin’s red eyes pop, and his fangs have never looked this good! And the question arose, is Harry’s finsta actually just his side account for following nothing but gay meme accounts? Evidence—the discovery of a second follow, of the openlygayanimals account-- would suggest yes! Well that’s valid, imagine having to not only navigate the internet AS HARRY but also without funny memes of your choice, that’s no life to lead. And Niall complained on twitter that people didn’t understand his sense of humor because SARCASM! He also tweeted about golf, which I’m sure was cool for people who understand it.

[night-rhea]

Sometimes, its really hard to keep yourself motivated. I know many people can relate at this. Social media can be, cold sometimes. Because, we actually dont know what people think about us,do we? I mean, i mostly dont know. Especially here in tumblr, well i dont use any other platform either jhgfghjkl Sure i have few friends here ,which is im SO grateful, but in majority idk how people see me, or my oc's. I also dont know if thats normal or bad or good.

Why am i talking about that?? Well its because today im kind of emotional. Today is my first years anniversary in tumblr, and i kinda wanna talk. Randomly.

My thirst for drawing started in last year in middleschool. I had many stories in my mind and i wanted to see them on paper. I wanted it so badly, so i tried. Of course i knew results wont be perfect, but i also didnt expected it to be that bad.

I tried many times, but surely not enough, and after many fails i gave up. I told myself "You are not talented for this Naz, you will never be. You are wasting your time and hurting yourself. Find something else."

And i did. I stopped trying. I didnt know this was the worst decision i can make.

İn my last year in highschool -which is one year ago from today- i was kiiinda depressed because of my univercity exam. I wasnt sure which one i wanted to go, i was just randomly studying for a good point in exam. But studying without knowing what you want to do was harder than i thought. When this covid thing happened and i had to stay in my room for months and just study, i just couldnt take it anymore.

I told myself "Fuck everything. Fuck it. You wont do anything good anyway."

I wanted to play some games to kill time, and finished few games. That was the time i remembered Hogwarts Mystery. And i downloaded again. And i fell in love with it.

Time to admit, back then i didnt watch any Hp movie, or read its books. No, i just knew the Harry Potter, saw few film scenes on tv but that it. So its safe to say i learned the Hp universe with Hphm, with Night. It was expected for me to want draw them.

And suprisingly i really started to draw. I didnt care how bad it was, i was already in bottom end i thought it cant be any worse.

And here i am. İn the end of my first year of univercity, studying comminication design, taking art classes, using little graphic tablet. With Night, i realized thats what i want to do. I also find the courage to come out as enby, with Night again. Look how my art changed, how Night changed in a year.

Sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i didnt gave up on drawing, back then when i was in middle school. Thats why im keep saying everyone i know to not stop, believing in theirselves.If you want to do something, that feeling will never leave you alone. You will always want to do it and will do it one day too. Just dont lose that much time like me.

Sooo as you can see, Night is pretty important to me, so Tumblr. Thats why i deeply care about mc's here, all the amazing people here. Because all of you are part of Night's life, at least in my eyes. Thats why a simple like on my art makes me feel happy for week, a simple comment makes me feel loved, cared, seen.

It pains me to find it hard to reach people here. Like most of us here, im not sure if im bothering someone, annoying someone, or talk too much or talk shit too much. It doesnt even makes sense most of times, dont worry i know. But i feel like it anyway. But its okay, isnt it?

I believe we need to let ourselves to feel negative things. To get rid off them. Thats what im doing it anyway. It also shows me how i have love for somethings in my heart, enough to get hurt by it. In its own weird way, im happy to feel that love. If a little negativity comes with it, who cares??

Im happy to be here, cant believe its been a year. I cant believe how my art changed during that time, how i changed.

If im liking your posts, reblogging, leaving comment; i hope you at least smile and feel seen. Because im here, seeing your hard work and amazing results (even if you think its not amazing)

Thank you, and i hope you are also happy to be here. Because i am happy that youre here.

Happy one year anniversary to me and Night, i guess

[route22ny]

His big thank you: COVID-19 survivor writes notes to all 116 who treated him at Manhattan hosp

There’s deep and abiding gratitude. And there’s COVID-19 survivor Jeff Gerson, who took his thanks to another level.

Gerson arrived March 18 at NYU Langone Tisch Hospital in Manhattan with a 103-degree fever, an uncontrollable cough and a bad prognosis. The coronavirus casualty went on a ventilator the next day, waking up a month later with no memory of his miraculous recovery or the dozens of frontline workers who saved his life.

That was soon to change.

When the 44-year-old patient returned home May 2, he felt a gnawing need to thank them all — a total of 116 doctors, nurses, therapists and other anonymous medical heroes of the pandemic. The finance professional turned into an online detective, using a hospital app and his own insurance records to track down dozens of his benefactors across the next five months.

And then, as Thanksgiving neared, he sent them all a note of deep appreciation.

“If you are receiving this letter, it is because I have become aware that you had a part in saving my life,” wrote the grateful Upper East Side resident. “It is only after much effort on my part to find your names that I realize just how many of you there were.”

Gerson, now six months out of the hospital and healthy, recalled the flood of emotions accompanying his recovery from a virus that has claimed more than 260,000 American lives.

“I was crying every morning, literally,” said Gerson. “I had questions. Why did I survive? I certainly had thoughts about what I needed to do in my life now, to make this worthwhile.”

He thought of the climactic scene in the film “Saving Private Ryan,” where the dying Tom Hanks character urged Matt Damon’s character to “earn this” — to carry on for those lost trying to save him.

“I was just really thankful, and lucky, and grateful,” he recalled. “I wanted to say thank you. I just wanted to thank everybody.”

His first thought was a party, but a peek outside his hospital room window provided a glimpse of how the world had changed since his hospitalization. Looking west on 33rd St. from First Ave., he could count on one hand the number of parked cars all the way across Manhattan to Penn Station.

“I had no idea what the rest of the world was going through,” he explained. “I was just so thankful these people were doing their job and taking the risks they had taken. And my inability to thank them for such special and heroic treatment was really leaving a void in my recovery process.”

It took a while, but Gerson compiled his list and composed the heartfelt three-page message of thanks that was sent out Nov. 10.

NYU Langone Dr. Luis Angel (pictured above, left) recalled the insanity engulfing the hospital back when Gerson arrived: 170 coronavirus patients, all on ventilators. Over the course of the next three months, about 40% of the hospital’s ventilated COVID-19 victims did not survive, he recalled.

Angel was surprised and thrilled by the unexpected thank you note from one who did.

“I’ll tell you, it’s incredible,” said Angel. “To find every name and give a thank you to everybody — we don’t live for that. But when we get it, we absolutely enjoy and appreciate that.”

Angel stresses he was just a cog in a bigger machine of Gerson’s saviors: “This is a credit to everyone. Everyone did the best for him.”

The dozens of workers whose efforts spared his life included visiting nurses from coast to coast, volunteers who came to the city from California, Georgia, Kentucky and South Carolina.

In the end, Gerson failed to reach just one of his rescuers: Dr. Sydney Mehl, who treated him only to die weeks later from the deadly virus. Gerson recalled searching the internet for Mehl’s contact information only to find his obituary.

“I have since reached out to his wife, and found her through Facebook,” said Gerson. “He was dedicated right to the end. That’s the kind of doctor he was.” With Thanksgiving arriving, Gerson’s life is back to normal. He takes daily bike rides through Central Park, and spends time with his 6-year-old son.

“It’s surreal,” he said. “I won’t say it feels like it happened to somebody else. But I’m not feeling any ill effects, I have not slowed down at all.”

He believes the letter of thanks was sent at a good time, shortly after the six-month anniversary of his release from the hospital and as the number of positive cases starts to climb.

“It does feel like the timing of the letter just came together,” he said. “People are forgetting what’s going on out there on the front lines.”

Gerson ended his missive with a request for his heroes to contact him, to celebrate their heroic efforts and to keep up the life-saving work.

“Continue doing what you do,” he concluded. “Continue being the heroes you are and know you will forever have my gratitude.”

This article by Larry McShane appeared in today’s New York Daily News; photos by Barry Williams.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[leigh-kelly]

Completions and Connections: Quarantine Christmas

So 2020, huh? Ugh. Santana and I had started the year amazingly, with Tyler turning a year old and me kind of setting up a schedule that let me go on assignment more than I had in his first year—though, so much less than I had before I had a wife and a son to want to be home with. Things were good...and then they weren’t. But obviously everyone can relate, you know, it didn’t happen in a bubble or anything.

I was in Sweden when Santana called me utterly freaking out. Because I was always pretty isolated from the news when I was traveling and she hadn’t seemed especially worried about COVID until shit hit the fan, I was taken almost entirely by surprise. She told me that it looked like everything was going to shut down, she didn’t know what was going to happen with the borders and she wanted me to come home as soon as possible. Honestly, in hindsight I should have had her bring Tyler to Sweden where there was actually a competent federal government, but obviously that’s not what happened.

I called my boss immediately and within hours, I’d abandoned my shoot and was on a plane bound for New York. Nothing else really mattered to me except getting home to them and since everyone was in a collective state of what the fuck, no one even argued with me about it. Two days later, Discover pulled all of their foreign correspondents anyway, so I pretty much got out just in time. We figured it would be two weeks, a month maybe, and then things would get back to normal. Little did we know how wrong we were.

Back in New York, things were...weird. People packed up and left the city in droves, everything looked abandoned and I immediately wished that we had a place in the mountains that we could go to. We probably could have bought something, that was true, but Santana had her practice and we both knew she wouldn’t abandon that, she’d worked too hard for it.

Yeah, so speaking of that. Tyler’s daycare shut down with everything else, I was home indefinitely, but my wife, my beautiful, amazing wife, still had to go to work every day. That was the scariest thing for us, knowing that she could be exposed at any given moment, knowing that she could bring it home to Tyler and I. We knew she was as safe as could be, she stockpiled PPE on a regular basis because she dealt with disease anyway and was super precautious about protection, but we couldn’t help but wonder if it would be enough. For two days, we discussed whether she should go stay with Unique and isolate from us, but Tyler was still nursing and we thought it would really mess him up if she was gone. We had no idea if we were making the right choice, but it was a choice we had to make.

Everything was a major adjustment. Tyler and I had to learn a new routine during the day where I pulled ideas from Pinterest to do with him and ordered about a zillion boxes from Amazon full of activities. I took him out on walks in the early morning before people were outside, letting him breathe the fresh air when it was safe and taking pictures of the empty city, figuring at some point Discover might want them for a series and quite honestly, missing being behind the lens of a camera. I learned to bake bread, I made elaborate dinners and I fought so much boredom, remembering every day that it was better to be bored than dead.

It was different for Santana though. Though she wasn’t working with diagnosed COVID patients, she never knew what was walking through her door. Each night, she came home with marks under her eyes from her N-95, a band indent around her head from her face shield, and her face just so tired from doing the best she could to provide her patients with care in the midst of everything else. So I held her tight, I told her how much I loved her, how proud of her I was, but that didn’t help on the nights she heard that a patient had died, that didn’t help when she heard from contact tracers that someone had been to her office who tested positive and she shut herself up in the guest bedroom away from Tyler and me and waited anxiously for her latest round of test results.

But onto the more positive, our boy absolutely thrived. Turns out I was kinda good at the whole stay at home mom thing and I was glad that I found fulfillment in that. Plus, I wasn’t halfway around the world when he took his first steps, didn’t miss him say “mama” for the first time and all of that good stuff. We FaceTimed with my parents and Santana’s all the time, made sure they got to see him grow. When things got a little better in the summer, Tina would join us on our walks with her son and the two boys would babble away to each other from their respective strollers. And most importantly, we learned to look for the good, we tried to ignore the worst in people and see the best because it was really the only way we could get through it.

Christmas was three days away and though we wouldn’t do our customary dinner with Santana’s parents, she and I were still really excited that our boy was in love with the lights on the tree, that he was big enough to sit on the counter with us while we made Christmas cookies, could sit through half of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer before he got fussy. Maybe Christmas was really different then it had ever been before—and Christmas was obviously so important to Santana and I—but that didn’t mean that it couldn’t still be magical.

“Office is officially closed until December 27th.” Santana burst into the house that evening, her red scarf wrapped around her neck and the biggest grin on her face as soon as she pulled off her mask. “Let me shower and change and then I’m going to give you two the biggest kisses.”

Like she did every day when she came home from work, Santana immediately stripped off her clothes and put them in the washing machine and jumped right in the shower. I missed being able to kiss her as soon as she walked in the door, but we both knew it was much safer to wait twenty minutes until any surface germs were off of her. Tyler didn’t exactly get it, he still whined and waited outside the bathroom door, but he was always the first one she kissed, our sweet little boy.

“Come on, Ty, let’s make Mama an espresso so she can sit down and relax with us when she gets out.”

I took the baby into the kitchen with me and made Santana’s afternoon drink, sprinkling a little cinnamon on top, because it was almost Christmas after all and I wanted it to be special for her. When she came out of the shower, she took Tyler from my arms and kissed him all over his face, laughing right along with him and his sweet little giggles. Then she sandwiched him between us and kissed my lips, smiling as she did. I knew that her job was more stressful than ever and the five days off would do her some real good.

“What’s on the Christmas agenda tonight, Britt?” She asked, putting Tyler on her hip and taking her cup from me.

“My parents want to FaceTime, if that’s okay with you.”

“Obviously, we haven’t talked to them since last week.”

“Yeah, well, you know how my mom is.” I shrugged, thinking that she was probably a little pissed that we told her not to come for Christmas and Ty’s birthday, but it was what it was. “It probably won’t be long, who knows?”

“Are you okay, babe?”

“Yeah I guess I’m just aggravated with her. She’s asked me like four hundred times if we changed our minds about her coming. This is like Thanksgiving all over again.”

“I mean, I get it, it sucks. Everyone wants to be with their families and I can’t wait until this is over so we can take Ty to Colorado, but we’re just not there yet.”

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Obviously, Britt, you tell me all your secrets. You couldn’t even hang onto my birthday gift for more than a day after you got it this year.”

“I love Christmas Eve with your parents, it would have been nice to have mine here, but I kind of selfishly am looking forward to this year being just the three of us. Last year poor Tyler was so tired when we got home from your parents’, Christmas Day will be better with him on his regular routine.”

“I agree, and I honestly am looking forward to just relaxing with you guys, no stress, no drama, no dealing with my grandmother who can’t even bring herself to look at our son.” She shook her head. “Plus, it’s our anniversary, I do love the idea of not having your parents in the apartment that night.”

“Oh really?” I smirked and she laughed, before Tyler pat her face and shouted ‘Mama!’

“I know, baby boy, Mommy and I are totally ignoring you. “Let’s go play for a little while before we have to start dinner.”

So I was obsessed with watching Santana on the floor with Tyler. It started when he was a baby and she’d lay beside him got tummy time. I could never resist taking out my camera and getting a few shots of them together, especially because he was the spitting image of her and they just looked absolutely beautiful together. Santana always teased me about how many pictures I had, but I couldn’t help myself ever. They were too much and I loved them with everything in me.

Santana got so involved with playing with Tyler that I assured her I’d make dinner and slipped off into the kitchen, leaving them on the floor playing with his ball tower. It was hard to believe that our kid was almost two, that it had been so long since she and I reunited on Christmas Eve in the grocery store. But it was perfect. It really was, even in the midst of 2020, I had nothing to complain about in my life. We were healthy, we were happy and though we’d really been isolated from everyone else, we knew how loved we were.

We had barely finished eating dinner when my phone rang and I sighed a little when I looked down and saw that it was my mother. I really didn’t want another fight with her and as much as I wanted her to see Tyler, even through the screen, it had been hard. She was a hippie at heart and she didn’t do well with feeling like the government was controlling her, so I had to explain only about a thousand times that it was for her safety and everyone else’s.

“Hi Grandma.” I held the phone in front of Tyler and he grinned and waved.

“Hi Mamaw!”

“It’s my little Ty! Oh how I want to kiss your face and squeeze you!”

“Here we go.” I mouthed to Santana who rolled her eyes.

“Don’t you think Grandma should come for Christmas? I promise, I’ll bring lots of presents.”

“Mom!” I turned the phone away from him and toward me. “Not cool.”

“It’s just me and your father, Brittany, it’s not like we’re bringing the whole world to see you.”

“We said no. We’re not seeing Santana’s parents, we’re not seeing our friends. The case count is rising and it’s only going to get worse after Christmas. We refuse to put anyone at risk.”

“Whitney, listen.” Santana took the phone from me, sensing my frustration. “I promise the first thing that we’ll do when this is over is come to Colorado, okay?”

“But it’s been a year since I’ve seen my grandson, your parents have at least seen him outside.”

“I know, and if you lived closer, we would see you outside too, but that’s just not what’s going on.”

“It just doesn’t feel like the holiday season.”

“It’s one year, Mom.” I took the phone back. “That’s it. And I’ve told you this more times than I can count. You calling and harassing us and trying to bribe Tyler isn’t going to change that.”

“I think dinner’s ready, I have to go.”

She hung up the call before I could say anything else and Santana came behind me and squeezed my shoulders. I relaxed into her body and she kissed my neck, knowing that always got my mind off of anything else. But then, Tyler started crying and I kind of wanted to punch my mom since he enjoyed talking to her so much and I didn’t think it was fair that she was taking out her frustrations on him.

“C’mere, baby.” I lifted him out of his high chair and gave him a squeeze. “It’s bath time!”

It was kind of funny how after Tyler was born, I became so much less awkward around people. Whenever I was able to stay put in New York, I had taken him to his Music Together class, to the park, wherever I could, you know, back when those things were still open and having him almost made me have some kind of common ground with other human beings so I didn’t just blurt out whatever was on my mind as often. Not to say it didn’t still happen, I was still me, after all, but I think Santana and I both really changed once he came along, in the best way possible.

The next day, we FaceTimed with the Changs, Kurt and Dave who had been working from home and isolating outside of the city since March and Mercedes, who had been pulling a real Taylor Swift and writing album after album in quarantine. While Tyler napped, Santana and I finished wrapping the last of his presents and got them all situated to put under the tree for the next night. I was beyond excited for the non-traditional Christmas, just ready to watch Christmas movies and drink hot cocoa in our pajamas and I knew Santana was too.

The next morning, Tyler woke us up before six and I told Santana to stay in bed while I went across the hall to get him. He completely beamed up at me, though his eyes were still tired, and I lifted him into my arms to bring him into our bedroom. Once he was in the bed, he crawled around, pawing at Santana’s face and she finally sat up with a laugh, kissing him all over his face.

“Merry Christmas Eve, little dude.” She told him. “You know Santa’s coming tonight.”

“Santa! Santa!” He clapped, though neither of us were really sure he even knew what that meant.

“What do you want to do today, babe?” Santana asked me and I shrugged.

“I mean, we’re doing the Christmas movie marathon tomorrow and you know, we ate all the fudge your mom dropped off...”

“So you want to make fudge?”

“I mean, you’re the keeper of Maribel Lopez’s secret fudge recipe, it only seems right.”

“If you want fudge, you get fudge.” She smiled and I did a little happy dance in the bed. The fudge was honestly so good that sometimes, when I was gone for longer than I’d like and I was hitting that homesickness point, Santana would send it in a care package. Yeah, my wife was cute like that, she didn’t stop sending me care packages just because we had rings on our fingers. The best, seriously.

So we made the fudge. Then we went for a walk in the park, where there were thankfully not too many people to have to dodge and we looked up at the sky, thinking it really looked like snow was coming. A white Christmas would be nice and probably the most un-2020 thing to happen so I really kind of was looking forward to it. Once Tyler was asleep in his stroller, we went home and Santana carried him upstairs to his bed and we went to do one last double check on the gifts.

“You’re sure you’re cool with being Santa tonight?” She asked me.

“We couldn’t take him to Macy’s and he needs to have a picture with Santa, of course I’m cool with being Santa. We got the suit and the pillows and the beard, I’m so ready.”

“You’re really the best mom, you know that right?”

“Please...you’re like super mom or something.”

“Just let me give you a compliment, Britt.” She rolled her eyes. “I hate that everything has sucked pretty bad in the world, but him having you around every day, and me not having to freak out about if he was safe while I went to work is definitely the best thing that ever could have happened.”

“It feels really good to be able to do it. I don’t know, looking at the map in his nursery showing me in New York for the past nine months has been really good, I feel like I miss a lot when I’m gone.”

“Do you not want to do it anymore?”

“No, I do, I’m just grateful for the time. And to be honest, I don’t think my job is ever going to go back to looking like what it used to, so maybe that means a lot more time with you both.”

“We’re so lucky, you know? I thought about it a lot this year, like what if I would have been single when this happened and isolated from my parents and my friends. It’s hard enough some days, but going through it alone...”

“Yeah, I know. I totally do. Even in the shittiest year, the world is a whole lot better with you and Tyler in it.”

After another hour or so, Tyler woke up and was ready to play. We pulled over his learning tower in the kitchen and he stood at the counter with us as we cooked our Christmas Eve feast. Just because it was the three of us didn’t mean we weren’t going to do tamales and a pork shoulder like we did every year at Santana’s parents—although luckily, we’d prepared the tamales ahead of time—and even though it was a little early, Santana poured bourbon into our eggnog and we started celebrating.

After dinner, I went upstairs and changed into my Santa suit. Maybe people would think it said something about gender roles or what the fuck ever that I was the one to dress up as Santa, but it wasn’t like that. I just thought it would be really fun and figured we could get our Christmas picture of Tyler. While Santana had him in his bedroom, I slipped out of the door to our apartment and waited with my mask in the hallway for Santana to open up to my knocks. When the door swung open, she held Tyler in her arms and I gave my best ‘ho ho ho’ carrying two gifts for him.

“Mommy!” He shouted, clapping his hands and giggling. “Mommy!”

“That’s not Mommy, silly boy.” Santana laughed, eyes sparkling. “It’s Santa Claus.”

“No, Mommy!”

“Alright.” I chuckled, taking off my beard and hat so as not to confuse him. “You’re right. C’mere, buddy.”

Santana just laughed and laughed as I took him into my arms and handed her the gifts. He was a smart one, that was for sure, and he patted my cheeks as I carried him over to the Lord Tubbington proof Christmas tree and sat down on the floor with him.

“You’re right Ty, Santa isn’t coming until after you’re asleep, I was just being silly. But look, we have some presents for you.”

We sat with him as he took his time opening his gifts, a new pair of Christmas pajamas and a copy of Olive the Other Reindeer to read at bedtime. He was really excited about the book and roughly turned the pages, trying to see all the pictures. Then, we took him up for his bath and got him settled into his new pajamas and into his bed. Santana read to him and I sat back and watched, just so in love with the two of them. I didn’t even bother to take pictures though, I just wanted to be in the moment and Santana occasionally looked over at me and smiled. Even with the shit year we’d had, it really was the perfect Christmas Eve and once Tyler’s eyes slipped closed, I leaned over and kissed Santana on the lips.

“Merry Christmas, my love.” She smiled.

“The merriest yet.”

[lifesizehysteria]

Tagged by @englishstrawbie

Rules: Answer the following 11 questions and then ask 11 of your own and tag people.

1. What was a highlight of 2021?

My MIL beating Covid with a less than 5% chance of survival. M Quitting my job and going back to school (even though it sucks and I already want to be done LOL)

2. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would buy?

After paying off debts, a new house so my kids can all have their own rooms. (Preferably in a different country)

3. What is your most treasured possession? (It can’t be a person or an animal!)

Either my wedding rings or the necklace my wife gave me for our tenth anniversary while I was pregnant with the girls.

4. If you could live in any country in the world, where would you live and why?

I honestly don’t know but I’m ready to get out of the US tbqh

5. What’s your go-to movie when you’re feeling sad?

Mamma Mia

6. What’s top of your bucket list?

Meeting Julie Andrews.

7. If you could talk to your 16-year-old self, what would you say to them?

What you’re feeling isn’t love. Don’t waste your teenage years on something that you know can’t and won’t happen because it feels like a safe place to explore without any risk. Yes, you’re gay. But it’s not going to ruin your life and someday it will be one of the things you love most about yourself so let this go and go enjoy being young and dumb while you still have the excuse.

8. What talent do you wish you had?

Not so much a talent but I wish I had a natural affinity to picking up new languages because I’ve never been able to get to a point where I don’t have to translate every word I see, hear, or say but I’ve always wanted to learn multiple languages.

9. Where does your tumblr username come from?

A random username generator LOL

10. What’s a song from your childhood that brings back a happy memory?

My friends and I used to pretend to be the spice girls at sleepovers and would give each other makeovers to look like them and then dance and lip sync to their songs. Wannabe is the song I most associate with those times and even though I’m not friends with them anymore and we had a lot of bad blood a few years later, it’s still a really fond memory.

11. What’s a fun fact about you?

I’ve seen The Sound of Music well over 400 times. Probably more than 500, actually, but I can confidently say over 400. My questions:

1. If you could create a holiday, what would it be and how would it be celebrated? 2. What is your favorite way to relax after a stressful day? 3. What color is your phone case? 4. Do you like board/card games and if so, what’s your favorite? 5. What is something or someone you miss? 6. Do you believe in fate? 7. Are you a traditional pet person, a unique pet person, or not a pet person? 8. Favorite holiday tradition (either cultural or family tradition - any holiday)? 9. Describe your teenage self in 3 words 10. Describe yourself now in 3 words 11. One thing from 2021 you feel grateful for? I’m tagging @8679thehuman @jbthegift @queerytales @unknown-and-anonymus @loveindiravarma

[lacetulle]

Hey there! Aspiring fashion designer here! I'm getting more and more into fashion and designing/ planning more and more outfits and I was wondering if you have any tips to get more into haute contour and fashion in general. Your blog has really helped me get a grasp of what I like and I all around love it!

I’m happy this blog could help in figuring out what styles you like! There are a ton of different mediums to get into fashion! I’ve compiled a list of options via videos, websites, and books. So strap in, this is a long post.

Since you already have an idea of who you like, I always suggest reading up on that brand/label/designer and going through their archives. For me, when I realized how much I loved Dior and knew I wanted to learn more, it was overwhelming at times because the label has such a long history. If you really like newer labels, like Zuhair Murad, Elie Saab, Iris van Herpen, etc., it’s a little more manageable to read up on the history and designers just because they were founded in the ‘90s/‘00s.

In terms of websites, I have a few to talk about.

Vogue. This is the easiest avenue to get into fashion. I’m not knocking it, because I use it the most for photos, but as far as websites go, it’s the most dumbed-down. But I mean that in the best way! The features, trend reports, and runway news appeals to even the most casual fashion fan. Vogue focuses mainly on big name/commercialized brands (Dior, Valentino, Gucci, etc.) rather than smaller ones (like Guo Pei and Ralph & Russo, two big couture names these days, get minimal coverage with Vogue). Vogue is a great resource for runway looks...it was my gateway into studying older runway collections. All in all, in terms of websites, Vogue is the tip of the fashion media iceberg.  If you want to get into the more meatier parts of fashion, there are better sites.

Harper’s Bazaar. Like Vogue, it’s easy to navigate and leans more towards the more well-known fashion brands. Pre-covid, they always had a weekly street style recap as well. They have great lists but stay away from the business side of fashion. I typically use Harper’s Bazaar for the street style/every day fashion inspiration and news.

Who What Wear. A great site for following trends. They don’t focus so much on brands, but it’s a great resource for seeing what’s trending and options to buy said trends. For example, Who What Wear is the first place I went when I wanted to find a list of brands who were starting to sell masks.

WWD. Supposedly most designers prefer WWD to Vogue coverage.  And it shows, since parts of the site require a subscription. WWD is one of the more technical sites and could be overwhelming for someone who doesn’t really understand the industry. They talk about the comings-and-goings of creative directors, financial news, and general fashion trends/news. It also has runway recaps and photos, which is typically what I use it for. If you’re really want to be in the know with breaking fashion news, they do offer email newsletters as well for a more condensed version of the site. Also, a super helpful page I’ve had bookmarked, their fashion dictionary.

Business of Fashion.  The name is pretty self-explanatory.  BoF is another one of those meatier sites that could be overwhelming at first. It’s also one that has a subscription service. BoF has great profiles of designers, so I’ve used the site as my starting point when learning about someone new. The BoF500 also showcases anyone and everyone who has a hand in shaping the industry.

The Impression. The cheapest of the subscription sites and the one I had until I cancelled a few months ago (not because it sucked, but, you know…corona). I mainly used them for their runway pictures. They were so fast to upload them, with details and backstage footage. The big draw is the fashion week/runway photography, but the talk about street style, short films and ads from brands, as well as fashion trends. At the end of every fashion week (New York, Milan, Paris, etc.) the put together a recap list of biggest trends, top shows, top models, and break down the numbers. I love the site for its minimalism and whenever the industry decides to have fashion weeks again, I’ll renew my subscription.

Magazines:  Most people would say Vogue is the holy grail for fashion magazines, but I don’t think it’s that great (at least the US version).  Vogue Paris, Italia, and UK are better in my opinion. And just because I don’t think the print version of US Vogue is the holy grail, doesn’t mean I don’t like it.  I have a subscription and read it every month. Other options I really like are Harper’s Bazaar (any country’s version), Elle, InStyle, and W.

Videos: Other than the first one listed (which can be found on Netflix or Hulu, depending where you live), everything can be found on youtube. And now i’m constantly getting fashion recommendations on youtube, so it’s an easy rabbit hole to fall into.

First Monday in May. I’ve talked about this documentary before, but it bears repeating.  It’s a gorgeous journey of how the Met Gala and Costume Institute Exhibit was put together. It’s about the ‘China: Through the Looking Glass’ exhibit in 2015. They interview big designers about how China has influenced some of their collections, and takes on the debate of whether fashion should even be in a museum. It was the first fashion documentary I ever watched and only made me fall more in love with fashion (and want to see every fashion exhibition).

The September Issue. Vogue’s September issues are always the biggest of the year.  This documentary follows the process of designing the famous September issue of Vogue. I believe it was filmed in 2007 or 2008 so it’s dated, and digital media has changed the game, but it’s a good watch to see just how influential and important the September issue is in terms of forecasting fashion trends for the following year.

Savoir Faire: Christian Dior Haute Couture Spring/Summer 2011. A 50 minute video on how one, just one, piece from the couture collection was designed.  It’s a great insight on just how much work goes in to creating a couture collection.

7 Days Out with Karl Lagerfeld. Another great showcase of the week leading up to a couture show, this time with Chanel. The documentary follows the 2018 show, which is one of Lagerfeld’s last few couture shows before his death.

Battle At Versailles: The Competition that Shook the Fashion Industry. It’s no secret that Paris is the epicenter of fashion.  The couture houses are all based there, so France is typically where you needed to be to be a world renowned designer. In 1973 French and American designers competed against each other and brought American designers into the spotlight. There’s an hour long documentary on youtube and there’s a book that I’ve linked below. I’ve seen the video and I’m currently reading the book, so you have options here.

Christian Dior: Designer of Dreams. A good look at the Musée des Arts Décoratifs exhibit for the 70th anniversary of Dior. This documentary gives a nice, condensed look at each of the artistic directors of Dior and showcases some of the most iconic Dior looks. I knew about it, but didn’t go see it. I only saw pictures, which were beautiful…but to see it all come together on video was a dream.  They talk to Celine Dion for a minute at the end, and her words sum up my feelings best about Dior, “I would love to wear one of these dresses one day, maybe in one of my lifetimes, or every night in my dreams.”

Books:

Inside Haute Couture: Behinds the Scenes at the Paris Ateliers. A gorgeous book with tons of photos about the intricacies that go in to a couture collection.

Kate Spade New York: All in Good Taste. I originally bought it for my coffee table collection, but it has some great style tips.

The Battle of Versailles: The Night American Fashion Stumbled into the Spotlight and Made History. Just in case you’d rather read about this legendary fashion show than watch. I’m currently reading it, so I can’t give you my final take on it. But I’m loving it so far.

Dior by Dior: Christian Dior’s autobiography. Who better to tell you about the history of Christian Dior, than Dior himself.

Elsa Schiaparelli: A Biography. I’m a big fan of Schiaparelli and would love for her legacy to be more widely known. She was a very private person, so when this biography dropped I was excited to read more about her. Elsa Schiaparelli was Coco Chanel’s biggest rival and was a household name in her time, but most people know Coco’s name over Elsa’s today. This is a nice dive into Schiaparelli’s life, since most people focus on Chanel’s legacy (and let’s be honest, Chanel is very idolized, which is so unfortunate, given her Nazi ties, but I digress.)

Gods and Kings: The Rise and Fall of Alexander McQueen and John Galliano. I tend to rave about the designs by these two, so it’s a good look into their journey in fashion.

The Beautiful Fall: Fashion, Genuis, and Glorious Excess in 1970s Paris. If you’re interested in Lagerfeld (pre-Chanel days) or Yves Saint Laurent, it’s a great retrospective look at their rivalry.

Champagne Supernovas. If ‘90s fashion is something of interest, this book is a great read on how some big name rebels (McQueen, Marc Jacobs, Kate Moss, etc.) in the industry remade fashion as we know it.

Any of the Met Gala books: Camp: Notes on Fashion, Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty, Manus x Machina, Heavenly Bodies, etc.  My first one was the McQueen book, and at the time I didn’t know it was the official book from the Costume Institute Exhibit.  They’re not all hardcover coffee table-esque books, but if you can’t attend an exhibit it’s the next best thing. They’re all great in-depth resources for learning about a certain area of fashion. They can be expensive, so I wouldn’t suggest investing in them unless you’re truly interested in that specific aspect of the industry. This year’s exhibit - whenever it opens - is About Time: Fashion and Duration.  The exhibition book is already available and I think it’ll be an incredible exhibit of how current designers pull from older designers and trends.

The Fashion Book.  It’s expensive. It’s massive. And it gives you a wealth of information. It’s essentially an encyclopedia for fashion. It’s not just designers; it highlights models, high profile photographers, style icons, and all those who influenced fashion.

I know this was long, but these have been the resources I’ve used over the years. I hope this can help you along your journey and if anyone has other things to add, please do!

[anythingandeverything1d]

Friends

Present day

“(y/n)!” Harry’s voice echoed through your flat and you laughed quietly, covering your mouth with your hand so that your hiding space would not be revealed. It was the first time seeing Harry in almost 4 months, which was nearly a record for the two of you. Unfortunately due to Harry being in LA when the COVID-19 crisis began, your longtime streak of seeing each other at least twice a month had been broken and you had been separated, forced to only chat through text, calls, and FaceTime. It worked....but it wasn’t the same. You missed his arms around you, the way he laughed at your jokes, winked when he wanted to get his way, and of course his dad jokes. Harry had been your best friend for over 10 years now, which meant you had been with him through it all. From the auditions at the X-Factor to One Direction and then his solo career. You were the one thing that was always a constant in his life, just as he was a constant in yours. “(y/n)....” Harry’s voice was quieter but closer, he must've heard you laughing. You held your breath, preparing to jump from the corner of the kitchen as he walked around. His body past the nook you were hiding in, his hair held up with a clip, jogging shorts and jacket on. Harry stood in the living room with a frown looking around. “Where did yo-”

“Ahhhh!” you jumped out, grabbing his shoulders and jumping onto his back with a laugh. “Hey there.” you giggled into his ear.

Harry laughed and shook his head, “Jesus woman, why can’t you just greet me like a normal person?”

“Normal people aren’t fun and you know it.” you hoped off and he spun around arms open. You walked into them with a smile. “I missed you.”

“I missed you to love.” He pressed a lingering kiss onto the top of your head, your cheeks blushing pink and the butterflies slowly taking flight in your stomach. Even though you had been friends for 10 years, only recently in the last 2 years had you realized that Harry made you feel a certain way, almost as if you had just realized that he was no longer a 16 year old boy, but a grown man. Of course, you had never acted on these new feelings. You supported him through relationships and break ups, never crossing the friend lines that been drawn early on in the relationship. You pulled away from him reluctantly, looking into his emerald green eyes. “How have things been?”

“Well...I broke up with Max...” 

“Thank god, it’s about time. He was terrible.” Harry smiled while jumping onto the couch and you just shook your head at him, continuing on.

“Other than that, same old same old. Been waiting for you to come home. It’s been so long, I’ve resorted to drinking with Lou.” you shrugged and watched his facial expression change.

“Ah I did hear that. I’ve received some videos of you two laying around the pool absolutely wasted.” You bit your lip wondering what exactly Louis had sent him. Even though Harry was your best friend, you and Louis had really connected during the days of One Direction and you stayed in touch with him over the years. You could tell him anything, and in fact,  you did tell him everything, including your newly found feelings for Harry. Louis had endlessly teased you days after the confession, but if Harry knew anything, he didn’t let on.

“It’s a good time.” you laughed, letting out a breath of relief knowing your secret was still safe while crawling across the couch to his lap. You let out a gentle sigh as you fell into your favorite position. Your head on his shoulder, your legs tucked up and across his legs. “How are things with you?”

“Well I had to reschedule tour, I participated in some of the protests in LA and then also have been working on some writing and the One Direction reunion and anniversary stuff.”

“Ohh yeah. Louis won’t tell me shit about that. Wanna clue me in?”

“It’s a secret.” 

“A secret?”

“Yeah, can’t tell ya, I’d have to kill ya and why would I ever want to have to do that to my best friend.”

“Ugh...” you groaned. “No fair. I’ve been with you through it all. I feel like I should be the first to be clued in.”

“Well on July 22 at 11:59 pm, you will be the first to know.” Harry gave you a wink to which you just rolled your eyes and focused on the tv. 

“Can you at least tell me if I’m in any of it?” you looked up at him, batting your eyelashes. 

“I didn’t know you were part of the band” he teased.

“I mean, I basically am. I was there for like every major event wasn’t I? I’m the one who got you all through the drama....the interviews....shows....pretty much everything come to think of it.”

“Hmm is that so?” Harry shifted so that you were lounging in his arms, his eyes able to focus on you. 

“Mhm...”

He pressed a kiss to your nose and grinned. “I think you may be right there... but that doesn’t mean you’re involved in whatever it is we are doing.” You wanted to think of a comeback but your brain was a little fuzzy after watching his lips move to your nose. You sat up and moved off of his body, trying to ease your body’s tension.

“Can you believe it’s been almost 10 years since you auditioned...” 

Harry shook his head with a smile. “No I really can’t....it’s been a decade since my life has changed....”

“Look at everything you’ve done in 10 years....it’s pretty crazy.” You closed your eyes, allowing your brain to think back to that day. The day you knew it would all change for him. 

July 23, 2010

“(y/n)?” his voice squeaked through the phone. You could hear the tears and the slight shake of his breath. Oh, no.....he didn’t make it.... You swallowed the lump forming in your throat, waiting to console him.

“Yeah?” you managed to squeak out, your heart aching for the curly haired boy who’s dream was about to be shattered. You had been sure they would say yes. He was an amazing singer and a down to earth person. He was destined to be a star.

“They put me into a group. Simon...he placed me with four other boys. I get to move on with my new band.”

You could almost hear the smile in his voice. He must’ve been crying from happiness, or maybe stress....either way he had done it. You were crying along with him now as well, immensely proud of the boy who worked in a bakery, the boy with the heart of gold, and most importantly, your best friend. “Harry I’m so happy for you! Tell me all about it! How was it meeting Simon Cowell? Did he like your song? Who are your new bandmates? Are they nice? Do the sing well? Are they better dancers than you?” you teased him.

You heard him laugh lightly, making you smile even bigger. “Simon seems cool, it was his idea to place us together. I don’t know about the other boys...I think one of their names is Louis...and maybe there’s a Neil...or Niall...something like that. We all thought we were going to be kicked off. We made it with some yes’ but then weren't chosen and now we are in a band and I guess we will have to see what happens. But they did like my song, Simon was asking me about what pies were popular before I sang.”

“You told them you worked in a bakery?”

“Of course, they asked about what I did.” You laughed, shaking your head and smiling at the goof on the phone. Only Harry would bring up the fact that he worked in a bakery. “I have to go, they are calling all of our names. I think I’m going to invite them to my dad’s house, that way we can get started. Maybe you could stop by?”

“Maybe..just let me know when you’re there.”

“Alright...I will.”

“Oh and Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really happy for you. I knew you could do it.”

“Thanks (y/n). I’ll talk to you soon yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay...bye.”

“Bye Harry.” You hung up the phone and screamed, startling everyone in the park you were walking through. “MY BEST FRIEND IS GOING TO BE FAMOUS!” 

Present day:

“It really is. I’m glad I’ve had you with me for the ride too.” Harry nudged your side before standing up and walking to the kitchen. “So what are we having for dinner?”

“Tacos?” you laughed. Harry would always come over for Taco Tuesday, and it was always a go to dinner for the two of you.

“You’re speaking my language now.” Harry smiled. 

The two of you got to work, pulling out all the stops for taco night. “So...are you seeing anyone?” you asked while cutting the tomatoes for salsa. You didn’t look up, you really didn’t want to know if he was seeing anyone, you wanted to know if he was single.

“Not right now...I’ve just been focusing on me.” Harry answered. You met his eyes and smiled. “There is someone though.”

There it is. The gut wrenching, stomach flipping answer you always received. There was always someone with Harry, and the fact it wasn’t you, just didn’t sit well. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I just don’t know where it’s going yet.” 

You sighed and looked at him again. You always did this, always gave him advice on what to do.”Well, you should go for it. If you like her then maybe...maybe she’s the one.”

“Maybe.” He said thoughtfully. “I don’t know. I don’t want to risk anything.”

“How will you know until you try though?”

“That’s true... maybe I’ll plan my move.”

“Good idea.” you tossed everything into a bowl and stirred, not saying anything. You knew you couldn’t be upset when you hadn’t actually talked to Harry about your feelings, but at the same time you were upset he never even considered you in that type of way. 

You didn’t say much at dinner despite the hundreds of questions Harry was asking you. You just weren't in the mood anymore. You were cleaning up the dishes lost in your thoughts when Harry’s arms went around your waist. You looked up and he smiled. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“(y/n) come on, I’ve been your best friend for 10 years I know when you’re lying.”

“It’s fine..it’s nothing.” Harry rested his chin on your shoulder and waited. “Really. It’s all good.”

“Okay.” He stood up letting go and moving to help finish up.  “So, what about you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you seeing anyone?”

“What’s it to you?” you laughed. “You never like the guys I date anyways.”

“That’s because they don’t deserve a girl like you.”

“And who does?” you turned and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. Harry debated on answering. He was working through the process in his head. 

Instead of answering he tugged you closer and pressed a kiss to your forehead. “Someone. Just none of the guys you have dated.”

You were used to Harry being affectionate. You and him had always been touchy, which is why everyone used to think you were dating. Harry would kiss you nose, forehead, cheeks, head, hands. You would lay on his lap, play with his hair, and even snuggle in bed. It’s how your friendship was and how you hoped it would always be. “Someone? That’s the answer I get.”

“Yeah. Someone.” He laughed and gripped your hand in his. “Now come on, I believe we have a movie night planned.”

“Lead the way.” 

Harry tugged you to the couch, tossing your favorite blanket to you while grabbing the remote. He took his seat and you took yours, snuggling up together while the movie played. You were exhausted, tired out from the emotions and your work day. You kept yawning, trying to stay awake but eventually you ended up tangled in Harry’s body, out cold. 

You were flat on his chest, your legs tangled in his when you woke up. Light was streaming through the blinds and you knew it was the next morning. Harry’s arms were tightly wrapped around your back, ensuring you wouldn’t roll off his body. You tried climbing off him, but his response was a grunt and an even tighter grip. 

“Well isn’t this just adorable.” You jumped up, turning around and finding Louis in the kitchen, making himself a cup of tea. Harry also sat up, confused. You felt your cheeks get hot at the look Louis was giving you. You climbed off Harry and brushed your hair back, suddenly realizing you weren't wearing pants. You tugged the shirt down farther, earning a laugh from Louis. Harry frowned at Louis and tossed you the blanket, allowing you to cover up and run to the bedroom to change.

You got dressed and headed to the kitchen where the guys were talking. “She’s just a friend.” you heard Harry say. You froze, leaning against the wall.

“Well does she know that? You two seem pretty close.” Louis commented. 

“Yeah, of course. I’m into someone else anyway.”

“Whatever you say Harry, just don’t be surprised when she ends up heartbroken because of you.”

“She won’t. I won’t let it get that far.” Your heart fell. He only thought of you as a friend and was interested in someone else. He had basically told you that last night but hearing him confirm it with Louis hurt more. Why couldn’t he just give you a chance. Your phone buzzed and your ex Max’s number popped up. *Can we talk. Please.* You wanted to say no. You had used Max in the beginning and then realized what a dick he was. At the same time, Harry hated Max. If you dated him, maybe Harry dating this other girl wouldn’t hurt as much. 

*Yeah. Come pick me up.* You hit send and walked into the kitchen with a frown.

“Well there’s the princess.” Louis laughed. “Looking awfully unhappy this morning aren’t we.”

You ignored him, brushing past the boys and to the fridge for some orange juice. “What’s wrong?” Harry asked, confused what had happened since last night.

“Nothing.” you didn’t make eye contact with him. 

“Okay, well what are your plans today...I was thinking we could hangout.”

“Actually Max is picking me up soon.”

“What?” Harry and Louis turned to you with surprised looks. 

“You said you broke up with him.” Harry grumbled.

“You said he was a dick.” Louis added.

“Well he asked to talk to me and I figured why not.” you answered pouring a cup.

“That’s a terrible idea.” Louis crossed his arms and shook his head. “Where would you ever get the idea that was good.”

“Well after talking to Harry about him making his move, I figured why not try mine. Maybe Max isn’t that bad.”

“Or maybe he is.” Harry crossed his arms and frowned. “You’re best friend is finally here and you’re not going to hang out with him?” “Maybe you can make your move with the other girl while I’m making mine.” you stated, taking a sip.

Louis nodded, suddenly understanding where this was all coming from. He was aware you had heard the conversation. “Interesting plan. Well I better be going. We are all going out tonight yeah? (y/n) bring Max. Harry bring your girl and I’ll bring El. It’ll be fun.”

You nodded agreeing and Harry nodded as well, glaring at you as he walked out the door. “You’re not really going to trust Max again are you?”

“I don’t know.”

“(y/n).”

“Harry.”

“You can’t-” Harry was cut off by the doorbell.

“Max is here. Can you lock up when you leave?” you weren't in the mood for a lecture from Harry. You knew it wasn't fair to be mad at him but you really were frustrated with the whole thing. 

Harry nodded, grabbing your arm as you walked out the door. “Just remember...you’re worth more than that asshole standing on the porch. You may not realize it, but you’re beautiful inside and out. You deserve better.” Harry let you go, his eyes burning into your back as you walked out to the porch where Max was standing.

“Hey-”  Your mind wasn’t listening to him. It was thinking back to the first time Harry had said that to you.

September 11, 2011:

You were sitting on Harry’s couch. It was a big day for the band. They were releasing their first single today. You wanted to be happy for Harry and the other guys, but instead you were focused on James, your now ex boyfriend. “Penny for your thoughts?” Harry asked, jumping next to you with a grin. You shook your head and wiped the tear that was falling. “Come on (y/n)...something’s wrong...let me help.”

“James broke up with me. He said I wasn’t pretty enough...that I wasn’t skinny enough....” You looked into Harry’s eyes with tears falling down your cheeks. “Why aren’t I good enough H?”

“Stop. That’s ridiculous. You are more than enough. You are beautiful, and you are you. All of those things, the things he said weren’t good enough...they make you YOU. And you, my love, are the most beautiful girl I know.”

You smiled and wiped your tears with your sleeve. “You’re just saying that because you’re my friend.”

“No I’m not. I swear.” He grinned. “You turn heads when you walk through doors. He’s an idiot if he doesn’t see that.” Harry pulled you into his arms and rubbed your back. “In fact, our new single is actually perfect for you right now.”

“It is”

“Yeah, and I’m going to sing it for you.” Harry pushed your butt to the couch and grinned. “You’re insecure, don’t know what for, you’re turning heads when you walk through the door, don’t need make up, to cover up, being the way that you are is enough, everyone else in the room can see it, everyone else but you, baby you light up my world like nobody else, the way that you flip your hair is enough, and when you smile at the ground it aint hard to tell, you don’t know oh oh, you don’t know you’re beautiful, oh oh, that’s what makes you beautiful.” Harry placed a kiss on your nose and smiled. “You’re beautiful (y/n). Don’t let others tell you differently.”

“You’re single is beautiful Harry.” You hugged him tightly and laughed for the first time all day. “I’m so proud of you. Like really, you’re going to go places, and this song, this song will get you there.”

“I’m excited, but promise me you’ll always stay and be part of the journey with me?”

“I promise.”

You and Harry had spent the day watching the song climb in charts, all over the world. The response was overwhelming and again, you were more than excited that Harry was able to live out his dream.

Present day:

“Uh, (y/n)....are we good to go?” Max repeated himself, pointing at the car. You nodded, shaking the images from your head. Harry needed to be put in the past. He didn’t love you that way, not the way that Max did.

“Yeah, sorry. Let’s go.” You climbed in the car, watching Harry stand on the porch and let you leave. If he really wanted me, he would’ve stopped me. He would’ve made an effort to actually let you know he felt more. Max drove off and you sat there awkwardly, Harry still stuck in your mind. “So how have things been?” you finally turned to him and forced a smile.

“Fine.” Max kept his eyes on the road, his voice harsh and cold.

“Uh...later tonight, Eleanor, Louis, and Harry are going out, do you want to come with?”

“Sure.” 

“Okay...” You looked out the window, regretting this decision. Maybe being single was better than this. Max pulled off at a park and got out. You followed his lead, still uncertain that this was a good idea. “So you wanted to talk?” You sat on the bench next to him.

“Yeah.” You looked over at him, he was focused on the tree in the distance.

“What about?”

“I think we should get back together.” He looked over at you and you froze. You knew this was coming and yet, you weren’t ready to give an answer.

“Why’s that?” Now you were the one focused on the tree.

“I miss you. I miss us.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I mean we had some fun right?”

“I guess...” you bit your lip. You and Max had started as a fwb type of thing and then you had pushed him to being in a relationship after saying you no longer wanted that. Now he was coming back saying he missed you? “Do you just miss the sex or do you miss me.”

“The se- well both I mean.” Max gripped your chin roughly, forcing you to look at him and then he shoved his lips to your mouth. It was in no way the gentle kiss that you know Harry would give. This was a kiss that was trying to take control. “God I missed you.” he mumbled against your lips. His hands were already trying to slip into your shirt, his length pushing against you as he tugged you to his lap harshly. You tried getting up, breaking the kiss, but his hands held you tightly, a little too tightly actually. 

“Max.” you pushed back on his chest, breaking the kiss. “Max stop.”

“What? What the hell?” He grabbed your wrist and prevented you from moving, causing you to wince in pain. “What the fuck is your problem?”

“I-”

“No shut the fuck up.” You watched him raise his hand, and closed your eyes. Max had hit you a few times in the past, but usually after getting blackout drunk and aggressive. His hand didn’t hit you, and when you opened your eyes he had lowered it back to your wrist. “Let’s just get in the car.” Max was pissed and you were slightly afraid to get back in his car.

“I-I’m just going to stay here.” you mumbled.

“What?”

“I’m going to stay here.” you said louder and more confidently.

“Like hell you are.” he mumbled, dragging you towards the car. He opened the door and yelled, “GET IN THE CAR (y/n).”

“No.” you tried pulling loose of his grip. “Let me go.” You were pushing against him trying to free your hand. He laughed madly before throwing you to the ground and laying a foot into your side. You cried out, curling into a ball away from him. 

“You’re a fucking whore. You pathetic little bitch.” He spit on you and then laughed. “Don’t ever call me again.”

You laid on the ground as he drove away, tears streaming down your face. You didn’t know what to do, you were now stuck at some random park alone, and in pain. You grabbed your phone, debating on who to call for help. Harry would come and give you the supporting words you knew you needed, but he would be upset at the state you were in, and he would be mad that Max left you alone. In fact, he would be pissed. Louis was your other option. He wouldn’t press but would be disappointed knowing everything that had happened in the past. “Louis.” you cried into the phone. “Can you come get me.” 

You were sitting in the parking lot when he pulled up. You luckily weren’t injured. You’re side hurt from where he had kicked you, but other than a bruise that would form, you knew you would be okay. You had wiped the tears, and tried to look presentable, but the minute Louis walked out of the car, you broke down. He held you in his arms, rubbing your back as you told him everything. Everything that you had heard about Harry, everything Max had just done, and how you were afraid of what else would happen. “Shh, come on love, let’s get you home.” Louis didn’t say anything, he just drove you home and sat with you as you calmed down. 

“Don’t tell Harry.” you looked over at him after an hour of sitting on the couch in his arms. “Please. He will just be upset. Don’t tell Harry.”

“Don’t tell Harry what?” Harry walked into the kitchen with a smile but frowned when he saw you in Louis’ arms.

You looked at Louis and he slightly shook his head. You sat up and sighed, looking at Harry. “That...”

“Go on.” Harry had crossed his arms and was staring the two of you down.

“That she’s not going clubbing.” Louis sat up with a sigh and you looked at him grateful for the excuse. 

Harry’s mouth dropped. “What? Why not? We are supposed to leave in an hour or so.” 

“I’m not feeling well.” “She doesn’t want to go alone.” You and Louis looked at each other after giving opposite answers. 

“I don’t want to go alone.” you stuttered.

“Why would you go alone. Max is in the driveway waiting.”

“What?” you and Louis nearly yelled.

“Yeah...is he not supposed to be?”

“No...I mean...Yes he is. I should go get ready so we can leave.” You stood up, running upstairs and Louis followed.’

“I should help you pick an outfit out yeah?”

You nodded, walking past Harry with your head down. Louis gave him an apologetic smile but saying nothing. You were tearing through your closet for an outfit. You had originally planned on wearing a crop top with jeans, but that wouldn’t cover the giant bruise from Max’s foot. “What can I wear Lou, I mean I can’t just cover a bruise this size.”

“(y/n) you need to not go. You can’t go with Max. You need to fess up and tell Harry what happened.”

“What? No!”

“So you’re just going to go with the guy who just abused you?”

“Yeah.” you tugged on a shirt and looked in the mirror before taking it off and throwing it to the floor. 

“(y/n).”

You turned and looked at Louis with tears in your eyes. “Do you know how hard it is? How hard it is to see Harry with other people and know that you are still in love with him and he’s not in love with you?”

“I don’t think-”

“I’m going. And I’m going with Max.” You stared at Louis, not about to give into that idea.

“Fine. Then wear the longer crop top with high waisted jeans. As long as you keep your arms up, you’ll be able to cover it. You smiled, hugging him tightly and throwing on the outfit earning an approving look from Louis. “You look beautiful.”

“Thanks Lou.” You hugged him one last time before meeting Harry back downstairs. He was in a t-shirt with his black jeans, the classic look you had grown to love. 

“You look- wow.” He smiled at your appearance but frowned when Max walked in.

“You look okay, better than earlier. Let’s go.” Harry looked at Max like he was crazy and you sighed, following him out to the car. Neither of you said anything in the car but when you pulled up to the club, Max locked the doors as you were trying to get out. “Don’t try to pull any shit tonight. Nothing like earlier. Got it?” You swallowed the lump in your throat and nodded, jumping out of the car and hurrying to where Louis and Harry were waiting.

The night was going fine, Max wouldn’t try anything as long as you were around Harry and Louis, which you had made a point of priority. You watched Max order two drinks, of course one wasn’t for you, they were both for him. He tilted his head back and downed the quickly before ordering another. Harry watched him with a frown, but pulled you aside while he was busy with the other. “Want to dance?”

“What happened to your date?”

“I decided solo was going to be more fun. Plus we haven’t gone out together in forever, I wanted to spend time with you.”

You smiled letting the butterflies move throughout your stomach while taking his hand and allowing him to pull you out onto the dance floor. He spun you around, his hand landing on your side and causing you to wince in pain. He froze, slightly confused as his hand had barely grazed you. “Sorry I just-”

He tugged your shirt up and his mouth fell open looking at the dark bruise. “What the hell happened (y/n)?”

“Nothing I-I”

Harry shook his head. “He did this didn’t he?” Harry’s eyes darkened and his voice was in a low growl.

“Harry, no stop. Okay? It’s fine.”

“That is not fine (y/n). There is NOTHING about this that is even near fine.”

“Hey man what the hell, she’s my date.” Max stumbled over, slurring his words and grabbing your hand roughly. “Get your dirty hands off my girl.”

“Your GIRL?” Harry laughed and shoved Max backward. “She’s not your girl.”

Max was pissed he ran at Harry, but since Harry was nowhere near drunk, he easily dodged. Louis and Eleanor ran over, trying to step in between the two guys. “What happened?” Louis asked.

“Harry found out what Max did.” you cried. “Harry! Harry please stop.”

Harry looked at you, noticing your fear and froze. A bouncer had rushed in, grabbing Max and halting the fight. “You fucking little whore. You better get your ass in the car. You better give me what I want or your ass will be sorry.”

“She’s not going anywhere with you. Now or ever.” Harry snarled, nodding to the bouncer to carry him away. Harry turned to you, wiping the dirt from his shirt. “(y/n)...” you didn’t even hesitate. You ran into his arms crying, his hands tugging through your hair and rubbing circles into your back until you calmed down. “Shh...come on love, lets go home.” Harry helped you to his car, his hand never leaving yours. He helped you inside and tugged you to his lap where you were finally able to settle down and pressed a kiss to your cheek. “Oh (y/n)....my sweet sweet (y/n)...why would you ever let a man treat you that way and still go back to him.” 

You weren’t drunk, but you had alcohol in your system and you were also exhausted. You yawned, turning into his chest so that he was holding you close. “Because I can’t have the guy I really love” you mumbled sleepily.

“What?” Harry’s hands in your hair froze. His eyes staring down at you.

You closed your eyes, listening to the sound of his heart beat. You were drifting off to sleep but managed to get out one more sentence beforehand, “because I can’t have you.” 

---

Possibly a new series? What do you think?

xoxo

[tashaalyssa]

Our Earth-Bound Angel: An Open Letter to Misha Collins

September 18, 2008. It was a Thursday.

A simple, ordinary day. Most of us went to work, or school and when we came home, we were so excited to sit down and watch the new episode of this little show we were all kind of obsessed with called Supernatural. You might have heard of it, two annoyingly handsome brothers, a ’67 chevy impala, saving people, hunting things, the family business? Yeah, that’s the one. All I remember is having a ton of uni work to do, and Supernatural was always one of my favourite ways to procrastinate starting my assignments. Little did I know that on this particular Thursday, I and the rest of the world, including the Winchesters, would be introduced to a strange, stoic, ocean-blue-eyed, trench coat wearing being by the name of Castiel, Angel of the Lord.

As I sit here today, in November of 2020, hands down the strangest year I have been alive to witness and fifteen years after this incredible, groundbreaking show aired, I wait with anticipation, heartbreak and a grateful heart as the final episode hits our screens. I’m on the rollercoaster of emotions, as is the rest of the SPN family. Sam and Dean Winchester, and Castiel, have been so much more than television characters to so many people. They’ve been role models, safe places, escapes, friends we could always turn too when we felt alone. They’ve fought heaven, hell and everything in between, all while helping us fight the demons that a lot of us deal with everyday; depression, anxiety, repression, silence, violence, cruelty and bullying. Which brings me to why I'm writing this epistle. 

While Supernatural and it’s characters have been a crux of support, for me, there has been one soul at the centre of what I can only describe as a shift in perspective, mindset and spirituality that has changed the way I think, the way I live my life, the way I perceive the world and the way in which I am consciously aware. That soul is Misha Collins. 

Misha is the kind, genuine, incredible, humble human being who brought Castiel to life. He took this iconic angel through his journey from stoic, unwavering, unfeeling solider to the caring, loving, brave, loyal man he is today. Cas gave all of us who lived in the shadows a voice, he was a lost soul who fought for good, for love and for family at every turn. He discovered himself, he figured out right from wrong, figured out emotions, how to be and how to love, he figured out what truly made him happy, his love for a single human being. Cas is the embodiment of growth, of acceptance and of love. He is, and will forever be, one of the most groundbreaking characters to ever grace our screens (pun not intended, but I'll take it), and it's an astonishing and beautiful legacy to leave behind.

But the real earth-bound angel is Misha, the person. 

Misha has impacted and changed so many lives all around the world, not just with his character, but with who he is, what he fights for, and how he inspires. When he speaks, we listen. Where he leads, we follow. He has changed my life in monumental ways and it's interesting to think that a single person, who I've never even had the privilege to meet in person, has been able to change my entire life for the better. There is nobody quite like Misha; he's a change maker, an advocate, an educator, an activist, a philanthropist, an absolute force to be reckoned with. I’ve never seen someone who uses their power and platform of celebrity the way he does; to fight for good, to fight for change and truly make a difference on both massive and small scales. He has brought about more kindness, and more social and political change than I ever thought possible. 

In 2010, Misha, with help from the SPN Family, founded a non-profit organisation called Random Acts, which was the result of an immediate need to help those who had been affected by the earthquakes in Haiti at the time. Random Acts is an entirely volunteer-run organisation aiming to inspire change and help make a difference in people’s lives through acts of kindness. I have been working at Random Acts going on four years now. In that time, I have seen and been apart of so much good, so much kindness, it has truly lifted my soul and filled my heart at a deep level. I’ve been able to work with some of the greatest human beings on the planet, and many of them who have become close friends. Those who I can talk too when things are rough, those who know life can be hard, but they always have your back. I cherish them, I feel blessed everyday to know them, and without Misha and his desire to do good, I would never have found this amazing family. How does one even begin to say thank you for that?

For those of you who don’t know much about Random Acts, we are a non-profit organisation dedicated to conquering the world with kindness, one act at a time - and let me tell you, that’s exactly what we’re doing. The people in this organisation work tirelessly to save the world every single day. We’ve helped suffering communities rebuild their towns, homes and schools, our partnerships with GISH* and The Legacy of War Foundation* in the Change A Life project has seen over $750,000 raised for those in need. Let’s also not forget the development of the  Random Acts COVID-19 Support Program and the SPN Family Crisis Support Network*, which is dedicated to promoting awareness and providing resources to all those suffering from mental health issues, self-harm, depression, bullying and addiction. This year we are celebrating 10 years of kindness, and if you would like to know more about how to get involved or contribute to our anniversary campaign, you can do so here: https://www.randomacts.org/ten-years-of-kindness/  

But wait, there’s more, because that’s just who Misha is, like I said, a force to be reckoned with. Let’s face it, 2020 has been a nightmare on an epic scale; COVID,  racism, violence, the U.S presidency and the election, you name it, we’ve done it. Throughout this year, most of us felt our hope slip away bit by bit, the more we tried to fight, the more it felt like we lost. It felt as though the world was burning and we couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it. I think I finally understood how Sam, Dean and Cas felt at the brink of every apocalypse they ever faced, because that is truly what this year was; the apocalypse. But whenever things got really tough, whenever I didn’t know what to do, or how to react or how to make it better, I knew I could turn to Misha, because he would have the answer. His light, his wisdom and his capacity for hope and goodness was never short of a miracle, and it was what got me through most of those gut-wrenching, 'I can’t do this’ days. 

Misha is the type of person who acts on what he believes in, he is the person encouraging people to vote, providing resources and the information needed to make sure your votes were counted. He has had Random Acts volunteers bring snacks to people who were waiting in voting lines, he rallied his friends and the SPN Family to set up the SPN Phone Bank, he hosted the SPNVotes Zoom GOTV rally and episode watch party, and has provided us with Senate candidates and House of Representatives candidates lives and zoom talks so we can be as informed as possible. And that was just for the election. When the Black Lives Matter movement was at it’s height, Misha did everything in his power to educate, to assist and to fight for the rights of others: the GISH Change A Life project raised over $50,000 to fight malaria in Africa with Nothing But Nets and over $122,000 for Cut50 and Dream Corps' to help fight for criminal justice reform, he also provided us with access to discussions with senators and prominent leaders in social change so that we can be educated and so we can educate others on the serious issues that plague our society. 

I could go on and on about this man, because the above only scratches the surface of what Misha has done for the world. I have never had someone impact my way of thinking and way of being on such an epic scale. Most of you who know me know that first and foremost, I’m an actor and I’m a writer. The inspiration that Misha has brought to my creative process is a feat in itself. To be able to watch an actor take a guest-star role and turn it into not just a main character, but a phenomenal example of development, growth and creativity has forever changed the way I approach a script and a character. The choices I’ve seen Misha make as Cas, all versions of, have both truly astounded and surprised me, I look up to Misha as an actor because he’s so uniquely creative. He’s not afraid to try things, he’s not afraid to push the envelope and get out of his comfort zones. He knows character and story so very well, he knows exactly how to use the full spectrum of emotions exactly when needed, and he has what I can only think to describe as ‘presence’, as ‘energy’ that radiates off the screen. Watching Misha play, develop and grow the essence that is Cas’ has been an educating and enlightening experience to watch as an actor. 

For me as a human being, Misha has flipped the way I view the world and humanity on its head. He has this unbridled passion for life - and I don’t just mean in the sense that he loves life - I mean in the way where being around him, or listening to him, makes every person accountable for kindness and responsible for change. It’s not possible to follow Misha as a person and as an actor without being so heavily impacted by his views, his life, his art, his work, his capacity for good, everything. You don’t see that everyday. We don’t have enough of those kinds of leaders in our lives, and in a world where division and chaos is rife, people like Misha are our chance to save it. He is already so heavily impacting the way in which the next generation is going to behave, they are turning to him now to see how to be, what to do, how to make the world better. And he is teaching them and showing them the way and I couldn’t be prouder to call this man my idol.

So this is my thank you, in the best way I know how. In case nobody’s told you lately Misha, you are one of a kind. They broke the mould when they made you. You are the kindest, most inspiring soul and this world is so lucky and so blessed to have you. I feel privileged that I get to share a planet with you, and that I get to be living on this earth at the same time as you. You’ve changed the world, changed me, and changed all of us for the better.  You’ve opened our eyes to issues and concerns, whether it be social, environmental, political or otherwise that we may not have understood or given much thought to before you showed us why we should. You’ve made us feel safe, you’ve given us the space and room to be ourselves, to not be ashamed of being different or unique. You have never judged us, but you have always encouraged and supported us. You have this beautiful way of talking to people, of using words to encourage and inspire and motivate us to be the change, to do the good, and to fight the fight.  You light up any room you’re in or screen that you’re on, you make us smile and laugh, and when we feel down or low, it is you we turn too. Maybe you truly do have angel grace inside of you. You are the example to which I live my life by, and the standard to which I hold myself accountable. I hope one day to be even half the human being you are. I’m beyond grateful for everything you’ve taught me, about life, about acting, about being a good human, about being yourself and being the good you want to see in the world.

Thank you for Cas. Thank you for Random Acts and the Crisis Network. Thank you for GISH and the Change A Life project. Thank you for teaching me how to be better. Thank you for caring about the world. Thank you for your hope, wisdom and kindness. Thank you for changing the world. Thank you for saving our lives. Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for being you.

Some heroes don’t wear capes, some wear trenchcoats. 

You are my hero. You are truly an angel, there is no fiction about that.

I love you.

xxx

* GISH: The Greatest International Scavenger Hunt, also founded and run by Misha, is an annual event that mixes the weird, the magical, the strange and the brilliant into one big machine that uses playfulness and creativity to spread kindness: https://www.gish.com/ 

* The Legacy of War Foundation: Co-founded by the incredible soul that is Giles Duley, to help empower and rebuild the lives of those who have been affected by conflict and violence: https://www.legacyofwarfoundation.com/ 

* SPN Family Crisis Network: Founded by Misha and fellow actors, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki upon listening to the stories told to them by the fans about their  personal struggles with mental health issues, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts/attempts, self-harm, and addiction in order to support and help fans cope with such issues: https://www.imalive.org/, https://twloha.com/, and https://www.randomacts.org/random-acts-support-network/ 

[familyofpebbles]

November 1st, 2021

Well, missed October. Oops. I was kind of waiting to see if you would have the time to write something, but you were super busy this month. You’ve been prepping for a board, Morales club, and rotation, haven’t had a real weekend almost all month, and had to sub in for two other squad leaders who had covid. So you understandably didn’t get around to this. Maybe this month. Either way, I’ll try to do another at the end of this one to make up for it.

My car has been out of commission- the brakes seized on our way back from Switzerland which is a whole other story. The parts are taking forever to get here so I’m beginning week three hitching rides with either you or Erika. Since I also happen to not be working until later these past weeks, it’s involved quite a lot of waiting around…in the break room or the café or the library. It’s honestly not the worst thing in the world. My productivity is certainly not high but I’ve been getting a lot of reading in! It’s easy to relax and enjoy it when there’s literally nothing else you could be doing. I finished Ain’t I a Woman by Bell Hooks, which Eliza and I were reading together. It was incredible. I have miles of notes and it prompted a lot of thinking which was great. And then I re-read The Secret Life of Bees which is still one of my all time favorites and burrows into my heart a little deeper every time. It really got me thinking this time how it’s such a dream to be able to live on some land, have a big garden and maybe some bees, care for some animals, and be a part of a community with lots of women. Grow food together and have fresh eggs and let our kids play together and even become a doula… just to be a useful part of a community and in tune with the earth and her cycles. Gently worship nature and thank luck and venerate ancestors. I want that life. I hope we can find our way there eventually. Maybe it’s the time to gather skills and habits to make that transition more of a real possibility when we get the opportunity.

-

This weekend we attended my first Halloween party, flawlessly hosted by Yvonne, of course. It was fun! Dressed in my very first character costume (Cruella DeVille) which I looked great in if I do say so myself. I think I want to be a wig person now. I was FEELING that long hair! We had these cute little bloody syringe jello shots and I tried a Cuban cigar (tasty). It was a good time. I think I need a good going out moment again though, I miss dancing and I feel like I’m going to be too old and mommed up for all that soon!

Also, in big news, Livvy turned 9! She has been with me eight whole years, can’t believe it. If I could make one little creature live as long as I do it would be her. My little angel fluff. Almost in the double digits already.

-

I want to write about one of our trips, so I’ll start at our earliest outside-Germany one. This was December 2019, our last trip before the plague hit (that new years feels like the beginning of a horror movie trailer now, everyone all happy and celebrating before ~life as they knew it changed forever~).

We went to Czechia, and spent our anniversary in Prague. It was magical.

We arrived in the evening, and first thing after checking in to our airbnb decided to go find something to eat. Aiming for some authentic Czech food, we found ourselves in an old brewery of sorts. We had heard that Czechs are also very proud of their beer and claim it’s superior to Germany’s, so we had to try. Turns out, we disagree with them on that, but I still enjoyed it a bit more than you did! In fact, my entire restaurant experience was a bit better than yours- I got fried cheese and potato pancakes and you forgot what marinated meant and so were very disappointed in your strangely soggy cheese. We did get a beer sampler full of interesting flavors that was fun- definitely combinations I’ve never tried before. Fruits, coffee, nettle, all sorts of stuff. The nettle beer was bright green! My favorites were the cherry and coffee, and you liked the banana and classic wheat the best.

We went for a stroll along the river after, asking our traditional (and now exceedingly easy) 36 questions. The pavement was wet from a recent rain and was reflecting the street lights almost as brightly as the water was. Strange empty yet lit up rooms lined the bridge on the side of the walking path, which I was fascinated by. We passed a Christmas tree barge all lit up, in the cabin a man dressed like Santa. We would have never guessed we would make it here of all places when we set out for that sunrise hike four years previous.

The next day was all exploration. We saw the clock, of course- the oldest operating one in the world. We wandered around admiring architecture and stopping at all the little Christmas markets and shops. We got some beautiful paintings of the city, and one of a little mouse with some red berries in the snow, and several souvenirs to send home. It was chilly but with the help of big fuzzy gloves and regular kisses (to warm up our faces of course) we certainly stayed cozy.

We visited the Klementinum, which started out as a chapel, which became a monastery, which turned into a Jesuit college, which merged with a university, and finally became an astronomical observatory. We got to see all sorts of old equipment, and even got to peek into the famous library. You couldn’t enter- just briefly stand in the doorway where they flicked the lights on long enough to see, no pictures allowed. It was beautiful- endless fragile old books, sensitive to light, holding who knows what knowledge! Apparently there are scholars currently working on digitizing the collection. What a dream job.

We crossed the bridge at twilight, making our way to the other side through masses of people and street artists and musicians, breaking out into the gateway of a fairytale city. We are closer to the palace here, the buildings neater and taller, the streets all lit up. We ducked inside a little antique shop and looked at old photos for a while, before heading up to the castle to see if we could make it in time for a tour. We missed our window (just our luck with palaces!) but shortly afterwards found our way to a fancy little restaurant with incredible pasta, so all was well.  A small hike up a hill and the discovery of a clearly labeled Good Kiss Spot was the perfect way to end the day.

-

We found a real breakfast place there! Waffles and eggs Benedict and everything. It was soooo satisfying. And even better, while we were waiting for a table to open, we crossed the street to an amazing multi-level antique shop in which you got me a beautiful blue glass ring and a traditional embroidered top. I love them SO much.

Next stop was a little drive out of the city to go see Sedlec Ossuary. I’m gonna do the thing where I paste in from my Instagram again and save a bit of typing:

“Sedlec Ossuary- or simply 'The Bone Church'.⁣ ⁣ In 1278, the Abbot of this church brought back a small amount of earth from Golgotha and sprinkled it over the church's cemetery. Because of this, so many thousands of people wanted to be buried there that they had to enlarge the cemetery, until finally building a chapel around 1400 and using it to store the mass graves that were unearthed. ⁣ ⁣ Eventually in 1870, the woodcarver Rint was hired to put the bone heaps in order, and he was the one to arrange and decorate the chapel with those bones. ⁣ ⁣ The church contains the skeletons of an estimated 40,000 to 70,000 people, and the chandelier in the center contains at least one of every bone in the human body.

My first thoughts in here were wondering how the 40,000 people whose remains are inside would feel about being on display like this- a tourist attraction. There's really no way to know... ⁣ ⁣ I hope they would approve though. Still on the holy ground they originally wanted to be buried in, adorning the walls in a church of the god they worshipped. And personally, I feel like it must be nice to be out among the living, still being actively thought of and marveled at, instead of shut away six feet under and forgotten. I wouldn't mind at all if my bones ended up somewhere like this.”

So, yes. It was beautiful and somber and moving. It will stick with me for a long time. And, to anyone reading this, I hope something cool happened with my bones. Find out for me?

-

After that we went to this little coffee shop that was so cute and cozy- dark wood and soft chairs and a little fire place- and got some hot chocolate. What we didn’t know was that it was going to literally be… chocolate that is hot. We got little cups of thick melted chocolate (mine with ginger too), and little crème filled crisp rolls to dip in it. It was super rich and warming and delicious!

-

Back to Prague for our final evening! We made it through into the castle courtyard this time. The sky was this unbelievable cobalt blue that stained your eyes even when you looked away, and the castles church spires were silhouetted so beautifully against them. There was a little Christmas market situated right at the base of the palace and it was the most magical thing I’ve ever seen. Trees and stalls all lit up with lights, the smells of fried dough and pine and cold in the air, gluhwein and Trdelnick pastries and potato wedges wrapped in a funnily translated fake newspaper, all overseen by the castle glowing over the top of everything. Truly a fairytale.

-

I wasn’t ready to be done with the evening, and we decided to find a jazz club. We were there far too early for anything to start, which turned out to be good because the music space itself was super tiny half dome of a room, and it filled up fast. You were outside smoking when the musicians arrived and the bassist accidentally dropped his vase on your foot, which horrified him since you were using your cane that day! But, what an incredible experience it was!! This tiny, dark little club, listening to a band from of all places, Chicago- glasses of wine in front of us and making friends with the people seated near us all from different countries. The music was amazing, the piano especially mind-blowing. It was my favorite moment of the trip, hands down. A perfect ending.

-

I can’t believe that was already two years ago. Time has really flown by. I suppose it’s just gonna keep on rolling by, quicker and quicker! Gotta use every moment wisely, not just for productivity but for joy. The way we spend our minutes is the way we spend our lives… I just saw that somewhere, or something like it, and it’s been rolling around in my head for a bit. How we fill the gaps between working and the big events like vacation are the most important parts as far as looking back goes, since those little times make up the majority of our memories, dictate the base flavors of emotion and little projects and things we cared to think about. It’s almost in the reflexive moments, you know? What do we turn to to fill up the space? I want to consciously increase the quality of that supporting structure.

-

Hey, love you.

[1ddotdhq]

🖕Mon Sept 28 ‘20 👓

First things first: see ya Psycho! Music Week published an article confirming Syco’s “low-key” demise. Music Week tells us two interesting things - the first is that “artists from [Cowell’s] TV show will now be free to sign to any label, with Sony no longer enjoying first refusal”. The second interesting tidbit is that “all Syco Music employees and artists have now either been redeployed within Sony Music, or have left the company”. Happy days!

More like busy days - for Harry, at least! He was seen yesterday evening in LA, taking pictures with a fan. He was wearing a mask (sexy) and a mini hair clip (less sexy, but adorable nonetheless). We can take this as an indication that pre-production for Don’t Worry Darling is likely underway, and as he’s the lead male role (!!!!!!), he has RESPONSIBILITIES and so he had to be there before the day of the actual shoot. Your intern spent a few hours reading up on film set guidelines, so I’m going to tell you that at some point between the UK, Italy, the UK again, and LA, Harry got himself screened and tested negative for COVID, as is mandatory to do before entering a film set. These sets are closed, and any visitors must also undergo screenings, as far as I could tell. Anyways, hopefully that keeps him safe and busy for the next few months! 

His Grammy campaign is ALSO underway, as his team told Music Week that they’ve “got a few more things up [their sleeve] for the rest of the year, but [we’ll] have to wait and see”. Is it the Golden video? I bet it’s the Golden video. Some more information about Harry’s accessories also became available to the public today: his custom vampire wife blue HS bag was VERY custom-made, apparently, as he specifically requested that color blue for his initials (the letters are normally done in a ~golden~ thread, which makes it funner, imo). In case you’re curious - it IS the same color as his Light’s Up costume, the Vespa, the room that Falling was shot in, and on and on and on. He does seem to rather have a fascination with that color, doesn’t he? Almost like...he gets so lost inside it? Can you believe it??

Hahaha okay moving on: Zayn ALSO keeps on keepin’ on to make Z3 a more tangible reality: he registered two new songs today: “Different” and “Look At Me Now”. And even #better (last time, I promise haha) - “Better” was featured on Amazon Music’s “song of the day”! I have to hear the songs before I say anything about it, but I do sort of hope that things will be “Different” this time around - “Better” - and that he’s telling us “Look At Me Now”. To use twitter terminology, I’m manifesting good things for him.

Liam had a feature in Esquire Mexico, where they talked about his early aspirations as an Olympic runner changing into his decision to give up running to focus on music. I wish they had talked about this a bit more, because I can’t expect that was an easy decision, but also, he would have been around 14 when he made it. That’s a BIG responsibility for a kid, and I want to hear how he felt about it then, and how he feels about it now, some thirteen years on. About his music career, he says: “The effort is what really counts. Having tried it was fundamental, but also understanding that if it didn’t work, it just wasn’t for me”. He does, however, attribute his success to his obsessive attitude (hmmm). At any rate, you’re a JOY to have around, Liam, so I’m glad it DID work out!

The feature also came with PICTURES, of course, in which he looks better than anyone reasonably has a right to - I have to keep reminding myself that if I want to stay impartial, I can’t be attracted to any of them, but DAMN did Liam test my resolve in these! They had him in glasses and a knitted hoodie/jumper/sweater thing holding a guitar on the cover photo. There are other pictures in which he’s wearing half undone button up shirts and too cool for school shades and looking moodily off into the distance (while holding his guitar) and a few where he’s looking pensively down in a blue paisley shirt and glasses (whew!). I think it’s the glasses that killed me, tbh, but go check them out, because I’m certainly not doing them justice! 

In some sunny news, Free My Meal popped up again to thank Louis for raising awareness for their cause, calling him a legend (we been knew, but it’s nice to see!) and using hashtags like “#noshame” and “#justask”, and I have to say - sometimes, you would be surprised at how kind people can be if you ask. ALSO, I am bringing this charity up literally ANY TIME I have the opportunity to, because I think it is doing phenomenal work, and I wish there were more programs like this one.

I also have a little bit of a Clown Car update for you: yesterday, Nick Gordon posted a “#theysaidyes” picture, featuring both Briana and Freddie, and captioning with a quote from...wait for it...When Harry Met Sally!!! He then went on a comment reading spree, liking such comments as “Although you are not the real father, you will be the best father, believe me” and “*** **”. I...am actually speechless, which never happens to me. AND THEN! Briana followed and account called “thepropertybrokers” which is an “Investment Property Specialist” account in Beverly Hills. Are you...going somewhere, girl? Don’t be shy, *** **. 

And, hmmm, let me think - what day is it? Oh, yeah, the 28th, I almost forgot! You know who DIDN'T? Paul Higgins, former One Direction bodyguard and bona fide Tour Dad, who went around Instagram liking “Happy Anniversary, Harry and Louis!” posts, including my favorite, which was captioned: “Happy 7th anniversary love birds! 28th September 2013 - it’s so great to see how two beautiful friends finally did it!...”. Yeah, guys, nothing to see here, they’re just celebrating 7 years of a beautiful and committed BROMANCE, doncha know? 

[purplesurveys]

1127

1. What is one thing you will never do again? Watch The Hours. Film itself is great, but is way too triggering.

2. Would you rather be twice as smart or twice as happy? I’d take happiness easily. It’s not bad for the most part to make mistakes and I’d rather be too clumsy than be altogether miserable.

3. What happened the last time you cried? It was the day of what would’ve been our anniversary and at that moment I was alone in my car at a parking lot (waiting for the office to open) on a gloomy day. I just had to cry and let my feelings out for like 5 minutes to accept everything but I was immediately fine afterwards, haha. Grief can be funny.

4. What happened the time in your life when you were the most nervous to do something? My first job interview. It was my first adult thing ever. They never got back to me - very professional of them - but I was still grateful for the experience nonetheless.

5. What would your parents be surprised to learn about you? That I was in a whole ass relationship for technically 6 1/2 years. They probably have an inkling by now, but only about me being in a relationship. I’m sure they would be very surprised if they ever found out how long it had actually gone for.

6. What’s your worst habit? I pick at my toenails when I’m nervous or stressed. I tend to do this when I’m doing a work task that I particularly dread, and sometimes I’ll end up being fixated on the habit for like 10 minutes straight and not get anything done.

7. What superpower would you have for one day? Time travel, just to take quick trips to multiple decades and see how life was like during those times.

8. What fictional character do you have the biggest crush on? Matty from 13 Going on 30 would be one of them. Albert Finney’s character in Two for the Road is also charming as fuck.

9. Where would you live if you could live anywhere in the world? If money wasn’t an issue, probably somewhere cozy in like Switzerland or Canada.

10. What is your most bizarre pet peeve? Not necessarily a pet peeve but I get extremely uncomfortable when someone hands me a gift then they insult the gift while in front of me, saying it’s not a great gift or that I probably don’t need it, etc. Filipinos also have this habit of saying something along the lines of, “You earn way more than me so you’d probably think this gift sucks” like how do you want me to react :(((((( I love receiving gifts and the idea of being thought about already means a lot to me, so it just makes me wince a little bit when I hear statements like the above.

11. Who knows you the best? Gabie, probably. I’ve changed a lot since then, though.

12. What after school activities did you do in high school? Clubs were mandatory extracurricular activities in my high school; in my time, I joined the table tennis and yearbook clubs.

13. What “most likely to” superlative would you be most honored to receive? Idk, we didn’t have those in school. I probably would have been honored to get a journalism-themed one though; something like Most Likely To Write for NYT or Most Likely to Win a Pulitzer or something like that. Obviously that’s changed now and I’ve long let go of journalism as a passion.

14. What’s the last book you really loved? I haven’t read in a long, long while.

15. What was the greatest television show of all time? I don’t watch a lot of TV so I’m not the most credible decision-making body for this lol, but out of all the shows I’ve watched the best one would easily be Breaking Bad.

16. What’s been your favorite age so far? 16. Life was insanely easygoing back then and everything fell into place for me at the time.

17. If you could go back in time, what is one piece of advice you would give your younger self? Know when it’s enough. Be kind to yourself.

18. What one thing would you be most disappointed if you never got to experience it? Have kids.

19. Apologize or ask permission? I don’t understand the relationship between the two.

20. Unlimited love or money? I would love to never have to worry about finances ever again.

21. If you knew you would die in one week, what would you do? Take a week-long leave for work, spend all my money, bond with my dogs, throw a party for my closest friends, and honestly, make my peace with her.

22. What’s your most listened to song? Spotify doesn’t show that feature, but I bet it’s from Paramore or Hayley anyway. It would be impossible to know my most-listened to song of all time, like if we took into account my Spotify, iTunes, etc.

23. Beach vacation or European vacation? I need a beach vacation badly, but a European vacation would be a new and different experience. I’d take the latter.

24. If you could have been a child prodigy what would you have wanted to be skilled at? Playing the piano.

25. What’s the first thing you would do if you won the lottery? Depends on how much I won lmao. I’d probably retire this early if the money was big enough since I’m pretty stingy anyway. But generally, I would like to pay off whatever bills my parents are currently paying for, get back the car that we had to sell because of the pandemic, and maybe go for a solo vacation or five heheh.

26. What celebrity would you trade lives with? Kylie Jenner, for a day. Just so I can briefly have a taste of how being that rich is like.

27. If you were a performing artist, what would you title your first album? Nope.

28. What story do your friends still give you crap about? Staying with Gab despite the red flags that glared for four whole years is one of them. Angela will also never let go of that one time I tried some kind of fruit juice in high school and I described it as ‘packs a punch.’ It’s understood as a super Westernized idiom where I live and literally no one uses it in a casual sentence, so it was a hit with her and now we use ‘packs a punch’ whenever we want to describe something awesome or surprising.

29. If earth could only have one condiment for the rest of time, what would you pick to keep around? Mayonnaise and I will die on this mayonnaise-coated hill.

30. What is the ideal number of people to have over on a Friday night? Ideally? At this point? Like 20. I would love for that to be the case on the first Friday we can consider the Philippines COVID-free.

31. What was the worst age you’ve been so far? Sorry for yet another incoming Paramore reference but they literally have a lyric that goes, “22 is like, the worst idea that I have ever had.” Before turning 22 I used to think it was a weird line, like how could 22 possibly be unenjoyable? Now I’m 22 in a pandemic going through a rough breakup and I can’t even see my friends nor work in my first workplace ever.

32. What is your weirdest dealbreaker? If they wanted only cats as pets. I can deal with a dog and a cat, I guess; but cats were never fond of me so I feel like I’d struggle with this situation lol.

33. What fictional character reminds you most of yourself? Mr. Peanutbutterrrrrrr. Has a lot of love to give, doesn’t always use it on the right people. Also lives on pleasing others.

34. Do you believe in karma? Just to a tiny extent, in how I would want people’s awful actions to come bite them in the ass one day. It’s not a philosophy that controls my life and the things I do whatsoever.

35. What was your favorite TV show as a kid? My absolute favorite was Hi-5, with the original cast. As I got older my interests shifted to Spongebob and The Fairly OddParents.

36. What is the weirdest thing you find attractive in a person? I don’t think it’s weird, but I don’t hear thighs too often when people list down their favorite physical traits. It’s certainly one of mine.

37. What Jeopardy! category would you clear, no problem? A Friends-themed one, obviously. This reminds me of the Jeopardy night I had with some friends a few nights ago! That was so much fun, and Andi makes really great and fun questions hahaha.

38. What is something you’re superstitious about? I don’t think I am about anything.

39. What is the scariest experience you have ever had? Maybe that night my grandpa went into a drunk rampage. I was 9, right in his line of sight, frozen and scared shitless, and I didn’t know who he was going to strike next.

40. Who is a non-politician you wish would run for office? I never really think about this. If someone’s a non-politician then there must be a reason they aren’t, lol.

41. What cheesey song do you have memorized? Little Things by One Direction is very cheesy and it’s one of my least favorite songs of theirs, but I still have it memorized out of habit.

42. What one dead person would you most like to have dinner with, if it were possible? My great-grandpa died all the way back in the 70s, even before some of my aunts and uncles could meet him. It would be cool to spend time with him.

43. Do you think it’s important to stay up to date with the news? Yeah, absolutely. I have the stomach for it lol, so I always monitor what’s happening locally and globally. Skipping the news from time to time is fine because I get how anxiety-inducing and depressing some events can be, but there’s a huge difference between ignoring the news for your mental health and being indifferent altogether. I’d immediately judge anyone who’s the latter, and would assume you are incredibly privileged.

44. What is the best present you could ever receive? My money refunded -____________- I had food delivered to my director, Bea’s house as a surprise earlier today, but apparently I ran into a scammer driver and the fucker drove away with the meal I had bought for Bea. I reported the driver and the situation, and thankfully the customer service rep of the food delivery app quickly responded and said they’d return the full amount I paid for; but I still haven’t received it.

45. Would you give up one of your fingers if it meant you’d have free wifi wherever you go, for the rest of your life? No. Mobile data exists for a reason.

46. What’s the first thing you’d do if you were the opposite sex for one day? Check out my voice.

47. If someone told you you could give one person a present and your budget was unlimited–what present would you get and for whom? I’d love to surprise Angela with an overseas trip that would last for like a month. Traveling is one thing we have yet to do as best friends.

48. What is the nicest thing someone could say about you? Nothing particular, but it makes me happy when people call me strong and when they validate the shit I’ve gone through over the years.

49. Giant house in a subdivision or tiny house somewhere with a view? I would take the giant house. When it comes to my own place, I would want to have a lot of space to roam around.

50. What is the weirdest quirk your family has? Nothing is coming to mind.

[lesbiancarat]

Ahh my fish slapping comment xD lolol I am happy it makes you laugh but no reference. It's something I just have been saying since like, oof I was like 14 and on the internet? I truly don't know how or why I started saying this but I randomly did and it stuck with me ever since. Sadly not a cool backstory to the fish slapping

True, true. While you will spot similarities (as they are under the same company per se, that also means the manufacturer who creates the merch has things set up for not just one specific artists always) its how they do make it unique for said fandom. It is the first round of the new hybe rebranding so let's see how it goes for sure! I have some minor worries but I'm being optimistic! Oohhh that si also a good idea! I do know bighit did this for bts and school luv affair if memory is correct. The re-released that album for its anniversary as limited edition and I think there was some small merch for it as well. I do think that will be cool for the boys as well but as you said, we may have some minor issues with the repriting. Sometimes that can be solved but other times that cannot so sadly we don't know. I believe you can(?) Still get their older albums. Granted last time I saw this was during oh my era so I haven't checked since then via online stores.

Oohh no that makes sense! Doing bday merch isn't all too bad (granted not a western artist thing from what I have seen) but it is just well, capitalism lol. I do think they could have done the scoups (and possibly future members) differently. Like a book with pictures isn't a bad idea but idk...give me some pizzaz ya know? Like I get the simple design and I respect that but like you said, make it be related to the members personally like a cherry for cheol or tiger themed for hoshi (it would be chaotic but I would be here for it) if it is meant FOR fans. Make it seem like it has some thought besides just wanting an extra $$$ ya know? Apparently I saw that the scoups book has the letter H on the spine so some theorize that all together you get "happy birthday" spelled out which is unique if true! I just hope it is a bit ya know, something more. Not the worst but I hope you know what I mean! Ahh gotchas, gotchas. No, no thay makes sense with the svt ring merch. I think doing rings isn't a bad idea but it could have been a bit more unique to "carats" so have the ring be in either the official svt colors (so one in serenity and another in rose quartz) with something like "say the name! Carats!" Engraved into the ring, that would be I think a cute idea? A way to connect to the boys while being something unique? Of course it could be a bracelet or a necklace with a small pink or pastel blue diamond instead with a little charm with the engraving I suggested. Being too close to the rings the boys wear I think is slightly stepping lines but making a ring that is different but related to svt would be a good balance? Again just my suggestions (which am curious on your followers on what other merch would you like to see? I feel like you could so so much here! Just please no more plastic water bottles xD)

Oof yeah I think for me it is a similar time? Plus I sadly am not doing great money wise this week so I sadly have to miss out on it. But to those that will, have fun! I watched the 2018 one and it was fun (granted many stuff was cut? K believe the special solo stages weren't shown in the official vlive video) but it was a fun time so enjoy this year's caratland!

dhfjf that's fun though! the fish slapping does make me laugh 🤣

yeah i have hope for merch in the future as well! as far as old albums go i just bought my first "old" album this summer which was YMMDay and I ended up getting it used... a lot of sites have YMMDay and other old SVT albums listed but they're all sold out and as far as I know pledis isn't still printing new albums except for those on weverse shop (so like an ode onward. although i just checked and an ode and hitorijanai are sold out on WV shop too rn, idk if that's temporary or if they're permanently sold out too...). honestly this is why I'll probably keep buying svt's albums as they come out just so if i want them in the future i don't have to search for it, in hindsight i really wish I had just bought YMMDay back when it came out 😭

yeah exactly, i just wish they'd put more effort/personalization into the design rather than making it an obvious cash grab... it would be a cute design feature if the spines spell out happy birthday! and yeah exactly instead of the ring they could have done something else with its own meaning 🥺

I'm also interested in other carats merch ideas... whenever i see ppl talking about it i feel like they have such good ideas. and there are some carats on like twt and such who do merch resigns or theoretical concepts just for fun and they always look soooo good. honestly pledis/hybe just hire some carats for your merch team... DHGKGJG

caratland has come and gone which once again shows how long it took me to answer this DHFKGJ i know i don't have to explain myself but just to give you an idea of what I've been up to i was on the road for a week coming back to the Midwest and then going my sister's graduation ceremony and seeing family i haven't seen since before covid, then i moved into my apartment and spent a week settling in and catching up w a few friends i haven't seen since before covid, and today was my first day of classes! so I've been a bit busy and socially drained (but in a good way!) the last few weeks. but i did enjoy caratland! especially perf. units cover of chocolate, that lives in my head rent free DHFKGJ i think the links i posted before got taken down though, I'll need to update those at some point... did you have a favorite part from caratland if you watched it? (or from any clips you've seen djfkgjg)

[swiftlymoniquesblog]

A Tribute to Supernatural (LONG post ahead)

Well, today is the day. The day I have struggled with for the past year or so, the inevitable. The day the last episode of Supernatural was going to air on television. I never thought I’d be writing about this, about how much this show has meant to me, but with today being the day another chapter in all our lives comes to a close, I feel like I owe it to the cast and crew and to all of you, to make this post. So here it goes.

I haven’t been in the fandom for too long, about two-and-a-half years now. I’ll never forget my anniversary date: May 20th. That was the day that changed my life forever. I know, sounds pretty cliché but it’s the truth. I remember that day very vividly, too. I had gone on a bus trip with my family, out to stay at a casino about an eight-hour drive with my family. It was rather a fun time and I remember on our way back home; I was searching through Netflix for a new series to start, and Supernatural had popped up. I hesitated trying it again, because I had previously watched the first episode of the first season, and it absolutely freaked me out. I had tried to watch the second episode after that but couldn’t make it halfway through. After much deliberation with my friends on Facebook, who had been fans for quite a long time at that point, had told me to just push through and keep watching because it got better. So, with an eight-hour drive ahead of me, I figured I’d start it again and really give it time. Little did I know, that was the day that I would hold close to my heart forever. And of course, my friends were pleased to have heard I was giving it another chance because they knew I’d love it; they were right.

Fast forward to today, and this show is way more than just a show to me. It’s become a way for me to connect with people, complete strangers in most cases, but it’s become a safe place. Sure, I’ve had my share of negative people or “bullies” if you want to call them that, but none of that would stop me from talking or sharing anything about the show. Then, I got more invested in the cast and who they were outside of the show. I never realized how important they would become to me too, but they really have and they’ve become like a distant family. Granted, I’ve only met a lot of the cast just once, but the connection they give us, whether through the characters of the show, or the small glimpse into their personal lives they give us, just makes you feel like you’re apart of something bigger. And they never let you think that they don’t care. Of course, they don’t really know me, just like I really don’t know them, yet they have a way to make all of us feel like we’re tied together somehow, and it’s beautiful.

Like I’ve previously stated, I have met quite a few members of the cast (see photos above). My first Supernatural convention was one of the greatest experiences I’ve ever had. It had been several years since a convention was set up in Texas but when they announced there was going to be one in the Dallas area, I knew I had to be there. The show had already made that much of a difference to me, under a year. 2019 was the year I graduated from university and I wanted to do something really special to celebrate such a big accomplishment. What did I choose to do? Celebrate with the Supernatural family of course! When I began buying tickets, it was scary yet exciting. I, unfortunately, didn’t get a photo with Jensen because they had sold out already, three months before the event was going to take place (hence the photo with a poster of Jensen). I bought the photo with Jared and was extremely nervous about that photo more than any others. I still really don’t have a solid answer as to why I was so scared to meet him but I usually say because he’s so freaking tall, it’s kind of intimidating, and the fact that I had built such a high pedestal for Sam in my mind, that I was afraid I would disappoint myself seeing Jared, but none of that happened.

Getting to go to a Supernatural convention is extremely difficult. It’s so unbelievably expensive, I still can’t believe I’m trying to go a second time (if COVID would just CHILL) but the experience as a whole, is what does it for me. If you go as I did, I went for the entire weekend because I didn’t want to miss a single minute of all the excitement that was building from Creation Entertainment or the fans who were going to. Actually, it turns out, that a few of the friends I made via social media, were going to be there that weekend too, so we made plans to meet up in person; and we did! The fans are what really makes the convention's special. Because we all have one thing in common and we all can share our experiences and laugh or cry with each other. It’s a community I’ve never been apart of before, but that’s what makes it so special. The fandom has, mostly, been very generous to me. Offering up advice on what to expect when going to the convention and advice on meeting everyone. Most of the advice came about meeting Jared and it turned out everyone was right.

Jared Tristan Padalecki is one GIANT teddy bear! So many people described him that way to me but once you get to see him up close, it’s nothing like you imagine. He is HUGE and it is kind of scary with that floating over your head, but when you walk up to him, he smiles so wide at you and is so happy to see you. For me, I went right in for a hug, wrapping my arms around his waist and his around my back or so. It was brief but I felt so safe just being that close to him for that small amount of time. And then my op, is my friend is supposed to be sad that I’m hugging Jared and not her. We weren’t prepared too much on how we were going to pose, but I remember Jared had reached out for my friend to be closer to him in the photo but she said that she was supposed to be over here for the pose. I remember too, Jared grabbing me and wrapping his arm around me, right under my neck, somewhat close to my boobs (no, he didn’t touch them, even by accident) and I responded by bringing my arms up to hold onto him too, then the photo was taken. I made sure I was smiling and had no idea how Jared looked, but I think he looks absolutely adorable smiling like he was. And when I went to walk away, I looked up at him, looked into those beautiful eyes, and thanked him for the photo and being there that weekend. He smiled at me and rubbed my back just briefly, but I felt heat rise in the place he touched. Other fans too, commented how happy he looked, when I went to pick up my photo on the table that held all the freshly printed photos. I was really happy with how it turned out but I kind of wished we planned it better. This second con, if I get to go, will be a lot better because I’ll have a photo with Jensen and two with Jared, and I’ve already come up with the poses for those three ops.

Ultimately, this show and the community of fans, has really gotten me through a lot. Recently too, life has been pretty difficult for me, but I always just look at my phone to see my wallpaper of me and Jared, and that makes me feel a lot better. I’ve invested so much time and effort into this show, that I can’t imagine a world where it no longer exists. I don’t believe everything we’ve built as a fandom is going away, it’s just going to look a lot different.

I’ve had my own fears for how this day was supposed to come. And it was supposed to originally end much earlier in this year but because it got delayed, the final filming, it brought me a small bit of relief because it meant I got to hold on to Sam and Dean just a little longer. But now that this day is here, I am grateful for all it’s brought me; happiness and a sense of family. I’ve worried too much about how we are all going to carry on without new episodes coming on. Will everyone end up forgetting the show? Will it still be as important to people as it is right now? Will all the merchandise disappear? Will conventions still be going, if they get picked up again? How will people see Jensen and Jared now that they have separate plans? Will they lose fans after the last episode ends? Will we still mean as much to them now as we did at the start of it all? What is the future going to hold for Sam and Dean? So many questions plague my thoughts and have ever since Jensen, Jared and Misha announced season 15 was going to be the last one. But I guess that’s all just a part of the life cycle of a show. And maybe all of these questions will have answers tonight, maybe they won’t. Only time will tell.

All in all, I am so incredibly proud of everyone who was involved in that show. They worked incredibly hard to bring these characters to life every week and they gave us a wonderful fifteen-year run. A lot can happen in fifteen years, and it has, for all of us. No one is the same person they were fifteen years ago; I know I was a child and now I’m all grown up. To try and put into words what this show has meant to me, wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, but my level of gratitude to everyone isn’t as easy. I feel like thank you, just isn’t enough. The cast and crew deserve way more than just a thank you and that’s why I’m writing this. But the biggest debt I owe is to Jensen and Jared and everyone who was at the sets from the very beginning. I know it must’ve been difficult, being away from family members as often as you were, but it doesn’t go unnoticed. Thank you to Eric for creating this show and this community. For sharing an insight into the thoughts that roam around your head and bringing them to life. For gifting us with Sam and Dean Winchester, two of the most beloved characters I think anyone has ever seen. I can just see years from now, people talking about the ‘greatest television shows of all time’ and I imagine that Supernatural will be on that list, if not at the top. I hope someone not only talks about the show itself but about the fans and the dedication we have to a storyline so unique as this one. To all the writers, y’all have made me laugh and cry and cheer for the good guys. There have been breathtaking highs and heartbreaking lows throughout the years but what a ride! Never have I been this invested in a tv show before, but as my Supernatural Day 2019 shirt says “possessed and obsessed.”

Finally, to the Supernatural fans, I love you all so much. There isn’t another group of people I would want to have as friends to cope with this ending. I know it’s been hard on all of us, having to accept the end, but we’ve gotten this far, so let’s bring it home. Let us be the ones to carry on the “family business.” We can carry the lessons that the Winchesters taught us and we can be the ones who won’t ever let them be forgotten. It is a privilege to have walked this journey this far and I hope to walk through to the end, together as a family. I want this to hold a special place in your heart years from now, as it will mine. Never forget what this show, this family, the cast and crew have meant to you. It can be easy to forget something that is no longer right in your face but keep the memories close to your heart, forever.

Let’s kick this ending in the ass and come together to support each other in this difficult time. And, as a few people have mentioned, carry on wayward son (and daughters) there will be peace when you are done.