#happy belated bd i guess

[cybrpnkd]

Welcome to the Afterlife.

[dojae-huh]

oohhhmy huh nim.....I was so busy yesterday writing letters nd wishes to dy....cant got time to come here...I am aoeey but a belated Hhapiest bday.... I wish this year you make it big...that u could do whatever makes you happy...thankyou so much for staying here Sharing your thoughts and views on nct and jaedo....u r one of the reason I am still here observing nd staning jaedo nd nct...thanks a lot...I knw writing this nd people's comments on this might could hurt you sometimes..cause u dont write what they expect...but it's ok.. .u cant please everyone nd u cant lie or live for them....as far as I knw u dont define any moment without proper proofs nd analyzing it....so do those all things as long as its makes you happy...okay...

Its so amazing that u nd dy share a same bda..haha....like idol like fan....haha...anyway i hope u had a great bday this year and hope you have a better on next.. .ok....once agan., BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY FRIEND HUH NIM..

Hello, friend. Thank you for the congratulation. I think I'm eligible to receive them for another week, heh.

So Doyoung achieved his plan of making his BD a speacial day for his fans? You was busy, you say.

Don't worry, I get frustrated sometimes, but I don't get hurt by any comments. I understand why people write this or that and don't take it personally. If I update with fewer meaningful posts it's because there is little to add to the stuff I wrote in the past.

Of course I don't write what or how people want, why would I? I'm not being paid and I don't seek approval of peers, I speak my mind on my personal blog.

Hm, yes, me and Doyoung having the same BD date is funny. Even more so considering I was born as a postmature 10 months baby. I have 3 friends whose BDs come before Jae's BD. And I had a classmate who also was born on February 1st, we had a problem of attending each other's BD parties. We, Aquariuses, just manage to find each other easily, I guess, haha.

[araiz-zaria]

Watching Star Wars for the first time… 😏 — — — “…dad! Why didn’t he know that Darth Vader is his father? That is terrible!” “…you think so, Jonas?” (I think surprising suits better, but perhaps that is also correct…)

[nineyellowgirl]

I'm sorry I didn't notice it was your BD until you started answering asks today. So belated happy birthday I guess, hope its okay

Aww thank you 💖

[anthonyed]

Sometime here is gonna be very personal here. For how long? I can't guarantee but i have no where else to go and am so very fucking unstable so anyone wishing to unfollow me rn pls feel free so.

Mental breakdown no. Idk tf

So my dad's siblings + fam are planning for his belated surprise bd party and ofc it's at where he lives aka also where i live (btw am indian and female and moving out of your fam home is just hard)

The thing is, am not very stable since last dec and i try. Who doesn't right? And really by trying we kinda pick up whatever we can along our way to fill up the void right. And by anything, i mean anything and really, when you're walking down the knockturn alley there's only so many good things you can get; translated: nil.

When you hit the road, kinda like avalanche, you just roll right? Right..

Right. So PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Really, the trauma goes way early. Like shit ton early. Like it's all that i can remember if you ask me my earliest memory of this stupid life.

So, avalanche. I rolled. I rolled down the alley and things stuck in cause yes. Diagon alley. But diagon alley is not free of knockturn alley, making me keep running into that road. Cause my diagon alley is pretty much, just knockturn alley and bad things. Bad things everywhere.

Eating? Sure, you're fat so eat less but cause you're a pig and look like one, you're gonna be stuffing your face waaaayyy more often and that is gonna make you cry and purge and lax abuse and your metabolism is never gonna be the same. Your gut, stomach, GIT is never gonna be normal. You won't eat like a "normal" person; translated: weird quirks, safe foods, extremely fussy, extremely liberal, allergic, not allergic... you just evolve. You contradict your fucking self that you have no one that knows you anymore cause man do you even know yourself?

Nope.

So yeah, same case; exercise, studying,working, breathing, living.

Exhaustion.

Depression feels like the default state of being cause really when it hits, i can't remember happiness; is what they say. But I remember. I remember lighter times but even then, my head is heavy; food, fast, calories, exercise, calories calories calories.

Ed was too much that i didn't pick up smoking. Never seen the appeal. Tried to drink but calories. Tried to commit suicide, failed.

Who am i?

I'm a human being i guess. A person, female, a bunch of particle.

My parents call me by my name. My mum, so many other nicknames. They love me. They always support me. My friends... almost inexistent. I cannot mantain a single friendship, never had a relationship, cause i can't. I'm fucking scared thinking about the proximity, socializing, tryna even connect. Can 't. Not fit. Sorry.

I studied. Worked, then quitted cause i flipped. Something went terribly worng. Another exiatential crisis. It keeps happening. Why am i alive?

I keep rolling that question in my head over and over that i felt it very hypocritical and to one point, can't even bring myself to save someone.

Am volatile, dangerous, unstable. Nope. No

I cannot work in hospital. I'm sorry, I cannot let you call me your doctor. Yes i have white coat on but i hate it.

Why am i here? Why am i alive?

Why am writing this anyway? Cause am too overwhelmed. Am having another mental breakdown. Am on and off and on again and off again on my antidepressant. The withdrawal is making me have hot fluches that wet my entire body and head and attire like i just got out from shower. Embarrasing.

I'm panicking. Anxiety is imminent. A part of me always. Always since forever.

I hate myself. I try to drop weight to compensate my hatred for everything and the number is not dropping and i just had too much salt and water resistance and stomach rolls are disgusting. Double chin. Back fat. I'm fucking ugly no need confirmation.

Family pressure. I already am trying to live everyday without delving in the fact that i can no longer practice medicine and just stripped my parents off of their pride and i really don't want that to be know by the other family members.

I don't believe in other family members. I don't want them, they have no significance in my life. Sometimes i wish my parents are, well.. it's horrible when i'm desperate enough to consider the consequences of commiting such thing and i don't mind really. Jail time? Free food? Free place to stay. I don't need to spend a penny. I really don't mind.

I want to disappear. I keep wishing for this. Wanting it. So much so that i told my therapist and she asked me how? I told my mum when she asked why i od-ed, she asked how?

Idk how but i really want to. I -

Death? Idk

Concept of running away and surviving is okay except i'm not sure if i have enough in me to even want to like try to survive.

Disappear.

How?