#half of my brain: what if u just relax? the othet half: no. shut up. what i just agonize until i explode?
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#shout out to that tiny glimmer of focus i had Saturday before i dumped ants on my brain#now im stuck in. i have to be productive but i csnt focus but i csnt do anything fun loop#half of my brain: what if u just relax? the othet half: no. shut up. what i just agonize until i explode?#annoying. and im apparently on call for jury duty the entire month of January#which means i have to be back from home by jan 2. and i probably have to stay until at leas dec 20th here#so optimistically i could have 12 full days and 2 travel days. but we'll see what happens#my mum is looking at flights for me bc im a barely functional person and i end up in hysterical tesrs everytime i have tk buy plane tickets#everytime they call i feel like im talking to them from the bottom of a well. like hi! hello! nice to see familiar faces!#tell me tales from the outside world! oh not much going on? thats ok we can still talk tho. talk and talk and talk#i talk to much. because im stuck in this well and im sad and i want someone to help me but also the ladder is right there and im choosing#not to stand up. so the conversation ends and i go back to laying half submerged and crumpled up in my well water#slowly unraveling into my stagent little puddle#and i cant stop thinking about all the time im blurring away#my mum asked if i was even coming home for Christmas#and im like. of course im coming home. i dont want to be here but its so hard to get my brain to justify leaving#i dunno. i just have to get these stupid manuscripts done. and applications submitted#so i can at least breathe a little. and then hopefully ill get accepted somewhere and i can throw myself into something more wonderful#so i can at least see the stars from the bottom of my sad little well#ugh. the amount of time i spend paralyzed by all the things i have to do is infuriating#just start something. make progress and eventually youll be done. stop whining abt it#ay ay ay. mayhaps i should just quit today and hope for a better tomorrow#but then im just pushing back everything a little further. ay. it never ends#unrelated#srry for being so mopey :-P like i said i talk too much
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