#hahaha thanks now i want to puke my guts out

[wanderingpages]

Alright chapter 2 🤪🤪🤪

Starting off with more hotgirl math. “When it’s my first year of college, it’s his third.” so thats like, 18/19 & 21/22? Anyways i love that hes an honorary frat boy like that slays, did not have to be hazed but clears everyone in the fraternity. Also, stop being a lil hater Jude 🤪😮‍💨

Not him calling Madoc Dad, hes a fucking menace for real and its getting me all warm (Could be covid too). Jude wanting to impress Asha is insane babygirl has mommy issues for real and it hurts!

Obsessed with you using Taryn to describe Jude, then literally never speaking of Taryn again. Begone thot❤️ also his jewelry… im so tingly inside. Like not a lot of people really go into detail about jewelry. This is so sexy of you, Peach 😩😩 “He has a pointer finger under my chin, I feel cold metal graze my skin where a lone ring rests today. I asked him at the wedding if they meant anything, but he laughed and told me he just liked how they looked. I like pretty things, little sister. And I like adorning myself with them, too.” - like sir……  i know that means you want Jude on your lap asap

Also the detail in general, Peach, its sooooo good, i am IN Judes head FOR REAL, this is a MOVIE to me. Pure taboo anon wya, we need to start a petition for that company to direct this like a netflix series lmao !!

“I hate, i hate, i hate” X 10 - but mostly i hate the way i dont hate you !!!!!!!!

“He catches my wrist before it falls to the side, his thumb running over the bright red knuckles, uncovered today, looking at them disapproving for a fleeting moment.” i like that Jude has this flaw and Cardan doesnt even mention it, just notes that its there, and its a part of her, and she probably needs therapy over it 💀🥰

“Maybe I should have asked during that car ride, or during that dance we shared, or maybe when we were outside right before the storm. Maybe that’s why he’d acted as he had that night, why he had said what he said about our parents.” – tEA!! When do we know what actually went down at the reception?

“Or just tell them your mine.”-- im gonna be sick and i know jude os puking her guts out fr 

More hot girl math - “A whole year, and now he decides on small talk?” so this is a year after the wedding. Damn not them holding a candle for each other for 365 days !!

“In my head, the girl is Taryn, I tell myself” - yeah keep telling yourself that, babes. Love that her ignorance about this is literally canon lmao ❤️❤️❤️

Your hot girl math is mathing 💀

lol thought daddy issues was too overplayed had to switch it up rq

Thank you for all your compliments ☺️☺️☺️ like this was so sweet to see in my inbox 😭😭

Not pure taboo again 😭😭😭

Yes that’s the reference ❤️

Absolutely needs therapy

Actually I do have a chapter dedicated to what happened at the reception ngl so, soon maybe hahaha

My favorite thing about writing Jude is her ignorance about Cardan and his motives 🤭

[ayma-nidiot]

The Ride - Sylvix fic Chapter 24

Also on AO3.

Trigger warning for alcohol/hangovers.

Chapter 24 – There Are No Friends In War

“Ah… I have awakened to the sight of Felix first thing in the morning.” Sylvain’s bliss was short-lived, however, as without warning he had a strong urge to run to the loo. “Urk… Felix, I gotta go do something!”

“Sigh…” Felix sat down as he sharpened the Sword of Zoltan. “Great. Nothing like getting ready for the march to Enbarr, sharpening my strongest sword, only to hear 19 people puking out their guts in the nearest bathroom.”

Sylvain had come back surprisingly quickly. “Did you say… march to Enbarr? Is that today?”

“Sylvain…”

“And I had to get drunk the night before! What will His Highness say-”

“SYLVAIN!” Felix dragged his fiancé back to the bed, but not too roughly.

“What?”

“Relax! We don’t start marching for another two weeks.” Felix spoke as he eased Sylvain onto his back. “You’re going to spend today recovering from your hangover.”

“I guess I don’t mind being sick if you’re the one taking care of me. You’re playing the part of housewife very well already.”

“Gee. Thanks.” Felix was terse as he wrung a wet towel over a bucket.

“And I can’t wait until we’re married so you can do this for me every day.”

Felix lightly whacked the redhead’s forehead with the towel. “You’re not going to get drunk like this ever again, and that’s final!”

“Okay, okay…” Sylvain sounded annoyed, but deep down he appreciated Felix’s level of concern. Wanting to change the direction of the conversation to something lighter, he said, “So, um… Who won the drinking contest? Do you know?”

“From what I hear, it was Annette. I only found out because Gilbert look very concerned in the dining hall this morning at breakfast. Miraculously, she didn’t even suffer a hint of a hangover this morning.”

“Such a cute girl can hold her alcohol well… Looks are deceiving, aren’t they?”

“Oh, and speaking of breakfast, you feeling well enough to eat?”

“Yeah. My stomachache is gone; I’m just a bit sweaty and I have a headache, is all.”

“Then here. Some sautéed pheasant and eggs.”

“It tastes… perfect.” Sylvain liked this dish so much that he took the rest of the plate from Felix and fed himself.

“Good.” Felix looked down to hide his blush. “Because I cooked it myself; Dedue taught me.”

“Well, I’m glad that Dedue is ‘associating with us’ more. I don’t want to hate him and I don’t want him to hate me either.” Sylvain put his empty dishes on the shelf nearby.

“Okay, that’s enough talk from you, hon.” Felix took these dishes and turned for the door. “Have a nice nap.”

“Hehe… He called me ‘hon!’” Sylvain giggled into the corner of his bed.

“Shut up! I’m going to go train.”

So spoke Felix as he exited Sylvain’s room that day. And the day after that. He found that long after Sylvain had fully recovered from his hangover, he enjoyed staying in the redhead’s room for the night. He noticed, too, the frequency of the soldiers’ visits to the cathedral as the decisive battles drew near. But he wasn’t too keen on praying to the goddess – in fact, he was hardly keen on anything except training and Sylvain.

Felix had started a walk to the training grounds, but as he passed the Goddess Tower, he heard a loud sneeze come from the top. Instinctively pointed his sword towards there, he threatened, “Demonic Beast, wait right there, so I can-”

“Whoa, there, cowboy!” the very much human voice sounded. “Gee, is that what my sneeze sounds like?”

“Sylvain? What are you doing up there?”

“Just waiting for you to pass by. Care to join me?”

Silent on his walk up the spiral stairs, Felix sheathed his sword. “So. Is something eating at you?”

“I’m just…”

“What? You still hungover?”

“Felix, I’m not that weak. Come on.” Sylvain walked back out to the balcony and stared at couples going to their bedrooms.

“Is it because we start our final march tomorrow?”

Sylvain gripped the balcony and looked towards the starry sky. “Just when Dedue stopped hating me… Just when I started to patch things up with my brother… Oh, goddess, I don’t want to die. Not after I’ve felt such strong camaraderie in this army.”

“Dummy.” Felix flicked Sylvain on the head.

“Excuse me?”

Felix wrapped his arms around Sylvain’s neck, and for once he had a tender look in his eyes. “You’re going to live, man. If only to get a taste of Mercedes’ wedding cake. If only to see the flowers Dedue has grown himself.”

“Felix…” Sylvain felt a tear roll down his left cheek, letting Felix wipe it.

“If only to become my duke.”

“I… beg your pardon?”

“I’ve just thought of something… If your brother is going to take House Gautier, then I figured… Well, maybe we can inherit Fraldarius.”

“I would love that, but-”

“If Dimitri has anything to say about it, I’ll tell him something a wise man once said: ‘suck it.’”

“And there are many poor, Crestless orphans out there… Even if it’s just one, I want to give them a loving home, free of war. You remember that little girl whose doll Dimitri mended all those years ago?”

“I remember you telling me about it, yeah.”

“I’ve heard that she and her infant sister lost their parents to Hubert not too long ago. They were just common citizens of Gautier, too.”

“You’re dumb as a brick on the surface, but you’re a kind man. Quite unlike myself. So yes, I will help take care of those kids, if they are willing.”

“I know I’m being suuuuper needy – and a little random - right now, but… Before the Battle at Gronder, when you were still fighting for the Alliance, I had a dream that we confessed to each other at the Goddess Tower. …Can we have our wedding here?”

“I actually had the same dream.” Felix happened to have the toy lance on his belt, and took it out. “With this, too. So yes again, Sylvain… Yes to everything.”

 It was just Sylvain’s luck he woke up late for the morning of the march. It was just Felix’s luck that thanks to his fiancé, they spent the night there at Goddess Tower. It was just Dimitri’s luck that Hubert decided to bring the fight to the streets of Enbarr in a surprise attack, even after one final attempt at parley with the emperor.

Sylvain, of course, didn’t let this apparent string of bad luck get him down. Not after what happened at Goddess Tower the week before. Trying to ease a bit of the tension, he asked Dimitri, “I heard that you tried to parley with the emperor. What did she say?”

As they approached the border of Enbarr, Dimitri responded, “She told me that she wants to get rid of the Church of Seiros and the Crest system in the name of the weak. She didn’t consider how her actions benefit only the strong, and how she is blind to the suffering of her people because of her ambitions. It was just then that I realized how different our ideals are. We’ll never see eye-to-eye, so we must settle our conflict in the ancient way – a battle to the death. I gave her back her dagger, too… I know that she’ll fight for what she believes in, and so should we.”

“Dimitri…”

“But if I have to fight my own stepsister to end the suffering of Fódlan’s people, then so be it.”

But you’re blind to your own suffering too.

Sylvain was no more eager to hear about Dimitri’s horrible family problems than he was to hear Hubert declare, “Hahaha… Well, if it isn’t the Saviour Prince, your hands stained red with blood. Why don’t we give him a royal welcome? Artillery, fire at will when the enemy is in range!”

“True, my hands are stained red with blood… But you and your emperor have the blood of innocent people – even many of your own citizens – on yours.” Dimitri, knowing full well that the emperor was within his grasp, gave the order to charge full speed.

Ingrid drove her pegasus forward, and though Dorothea managed to catch up so far, she suddenly halted, prompting Ingrid to ask, “Dorothea, what’s wrong? This isn’t the time to be spacing out!”

“It’s… Petra…” Sure enough, Dorothea saw her old friend when Petra cut down the five soldiers blocking her path.

“Dorothea…” Petra showed only this brief moment of weakness before saying, “Ferdinand is dead. Bernadetta is dead too. And you… They are dead because of your killing.”

“Petra, this is war, and Edie has gone mad!”

Petra ignored Dorothea’s reaction and simply walked forward. “This is for Adrestia… and for Brigid!”

“Aah!” Dorothea fell flat on her butt, but her hand was more than strong enough to draw the sigil for Agnea’s Arrow. “If it’s our destiny to kill each other, then…”

“I will be killing you!” Petra continued to charge, but a mountain of soldiers – Empire and Kingdom soldiers alike – impeded her.

“One of us has to die!” Dorothea declared as an enormous arrow of light ran from the sky, ripping through Petra’s body.

Unable to stand – and knowing her time was at an end – Petra lay prone on the ground. “Edelgard… I will not be keeping my promise… Give me forgiveness, please…”

Dorothea gritted her teeth, and after one last look at Petra, she ran ahead and summoned a barrage of Sagittae spells at her oncoming foes. She chanced upon Sylvain, who had defeated a circle of enemies but not without suffering a gash on his dominant arm. “Oh, Sylvain! Wait just a bit… I’ll patch that up for you.”

“Thank you!” Sylvain circled his arm around while the Opera Company Volunteers refreshed them again.

“Just think of it as my apology for being unable to help you at the Battle of Derdriu. Now, come!” Dorothea and Sylvain ran up the stairs together. “We’re almost at the gates of the palace!”

“And don’t forget that our main enemy on the way is-”

“I’ll cut a bloody path!”

Luna Λ found its way to Dorothea and Sylvain before they could find who cast it. Dorothea, of course, knew that voice well. “Hubert! Get out of the way!”

“A fat chance.” Hubert held another Luna Λ at the ready. “You and your brute of a prince are no match for Her Majesty!”

“Hubie, please… I don’t want to kill you too… Not after all the friends I’ve had to kill in the name of this war.”

“Friends? Ha! There are no ‘friends’ in war! It’s either serve your liege’s every wish or die!” Hubert flung the dark spell, intended for Dorothea, but hitting Sylvain instead.

“G-Gah…” As Sylvain’s legs took the hit, he fell on his hands and knees. “What’s the point… in living… if all you do is act as someone else’s puppet? You, who’s never shown kindness to others, wouldn’t understand… You, who would just kill innocent people because your ruthless emperor said so! It’s because of you that… that girl’s parents… are…”

“Hmm? I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

“You sick fuck! Die!” Sylvain attempted to swing at Hubert’s legs from the floor, but the head of House Vestra stomped on his wrists, digging his heeled shoes into them. “Oooooww!”

“I live only for Her Majesty! It’s you who doesn’t understand how I feel! Not that you need to.”

“Dorothea…” Sylvain whispered as waggled his index finger, attempting to formulate a Seraphim spell. “While I’m distracting him, you’ve got a clear shot. I know you’ve got the strength in you for another Agnea’s Arrow.”

Felix was almost on the other end of the street and could only see a flick of Sylvain’s red hair. Still, he ran as fast as he could while readying a Thoron in his right hand. “Sylvain! You bastard Hubert, you’re done for!”

Dorothea formed another magic circle, nearly ready to unleash it.

“Dorothea! Come on, strike him down!”

“H-Hubie…” Dorothea began to cry as her magic circle flickered. “I… I can’t…”

“Hahaha… I suppose all you’re ever good for is singing, Dorothea! You’ll be singing your swan song now!”

Just then, a woman’s voice sounded from behind, shouting, “Burning Quake!”

Hubert didn’t even have to turn around to see the woman who attacked him – or the Lúin lance that pierced his chest. “G-Gah…”

“Hubie, forgive me!” Clenching her eyes shut, Dorothea sent the Agnea’s Arrow in Hubert’s direction, searing Hubert even more intensely than it did Petra.

“Glory… Glory to… Her Majesty…”

Felix didn’t arrive at the scene until after Hubert had already died. “So, you’ve killed the emperor’s lapdog? Ha!” He stuck the Sword of Zoltan into Hubert’s throat. “Good riddance!”

“Felix! That was unnecessary!” Sylvain scolded.

“What? I’m just making sure he’s dead. Plus, he’s the one who killed that girl’s parents, isn’t he? Weren’t you the one who called him a ‘sick fuck?’”

“But you don’t have to glorify killing someone so much! Please, my love… You’re better than this.”

Felix wouldn’t have dropped the matter for anyone else, and simply said while leaving for the palace, “Yeah, whatever. Come on, we have a clear path to the emperor!”

While mostly everyone else followed the others into Edelgard’s palace, Dorothea knelt at Hubert’s corpse to weep. “Hubie… It… didn’t have to be this way. Edie was so kind to me at the Officer’s Academy… and even you were, too.”

Dimitri chanced upon her as she mourned. “Dorothea, we need to get moving, while some of the army holds back the remaining forces. Come, up you get.”

“Yes, Your Highness…” With one final tearful goodbye, Dorothea spoke, “Farewell, Hubie.”

[show-choir-gal]

13 Reasons Why Preference: How They Ask You Out

Clay:  Clay asks you out over text. After the Crestmont first encounter, you two have been talking every day. Although you and Clay live in the same town, you go to a private school that's located a few towns over. You now lived with your dad, but you're not demoting from a prestigious private school to sucky public school so you commute over 45 minutes every single day.

*Text convo*

Clay @ Crestmont ;) : So what's private school like?

Me: Well, it's strict but fun. It's very productive and everyone actually cares about their work... unlike what I've heard about most public schools

Clay @ Crestmont ;) : Yeah, like no one in my classes actually care, its like, me a few others that really try

Me: That's literally not heard of here. If you slack, you get kicked out. It's pretty serious LOL

Clay @ Crestmont ;) : Damn hahaha

Clay @ Crestmont ;) : Hey, are you busy Friday night by any chance....?

Me: I should be, why?

Clay @ Crestmont ;) : Would you like to go out to dinner? My treat

Me: Alright, sounds like a plan kiddo

Me: I'm glad you didn't forget to ask for my number ;) xD

Alex: Alex asked you on a date during his little surprise band room visit. You were practicing your Oboe solo for the Winter concert but it also an audition piece for the state band. The days to the audition and concert grew closer and closer and you were growing more and more nervous by each passing day. You asked the band director if you could have the band room to yourself to practice during your free period and he agreed. It was the longest period of they day which at first was a great idea in your mind. But mistake after mistake was being made and you grew increasingly frustrated. You replaced the reed to see if that was the issue, and alas, it was part of the issue! You kept practicing the piece over and over again. Marcello Concerto in C minor was the only sound in your mind and in the room, you were fixated on this piece of music, so it was no surprise you didn't hear the door open. You finished the last eight measures and you looked at the sheet music with a pleased smile forming on your face. You let out a sigh of relief.

"Wow, that was amazing." A voice said. It startled you and you fell off the chair and onto the floor. He ran over and helped you back up.

"Uh, thanks *laughs*" You replied as this mysterious boy helped you up. When you were stably on your feet, you looked at the boy and holy hell was he cute. Bleached Blond hair and a gold septum ring, 'He's my type' you thought.

"Is that for the winter concert?" He asked.

"Yeah, and it's my audition song for the state band." you replied.

"Well, if you do what you just did, they'll have to let you in." He said, which made you blush. A few moments of awkward silence passed before another word was broken.

"I'm sorry about scaring you, I'm Alex by the way."

"I'm Y/N. It's fine, I was just so emerged in my music that I didn't notice the door open."

"Hey, this may seem a little too straight forward, but are you busy after school today?" He asked.

"No, why?"

"I was just wondering if you you wanted to go to Monet's and grab a drink and...uh...chill...?"

"If you're trying to insinuate that you're asking me on a date, then it's a yes." You replied with a smirk.

A smile grew on his face and he bit his lip as he walked toward the door.

"I'll meet you at your locker." He said with a wink before he closed the door.

Justin: Justin asked you out right after a basketball game you went to to support your twin sister Amanda, who is a cheerleader. You always sit right behind her in the bleachers and help her with her hair and makeup. Everyone asks you to join the cheerleading team but it's not really your style. You give her a hug as the team goes up as they announced the home team, which was us. The team did their routine and then our players came onto the court. You scanned the area and your eyes laid upon Justin Foley, and when he noticed you look at him with a smile, he turned to talk to Zach Dempsey and Zach then talked to your sister

The game started and the cheerleading team sat back down, you noticed Zach and Justin glancing in you and your sisters direction fairly often. You tapped Amanda's shoulder.

"Mandy, what did Zach talk to you about?" You asked in a rather hushed voice.

"Oh, Zach said that Justin asked if you were single and if we were actually twins."

The game eventually ended, and the cheerleaders were heading to the locker room to change. You caught up with your sister just before she opened the door.

"I'm driving us home, I'll meet you in the car." She nodded and you headed out.

You were about to unlock the car when you heard two familiar voices.

"Hey Y/N." They said in unison.

"Hey Zach, hey Justin." You responded.

"Is it true that you and Amanda are twins?" Zach asked.

"Well, yeah. We're identical twins. Can you not tell?" You responded.

By the look on his face, he couldn't tell. You laughed and hopped into the drivers seat, Justin made his way to your window.

"I think you're really pretty, would you like to hang out sometime?" Justin asked with a wink and a smirk.

"Sure, here's my number." You replied and quickly jotted down your number and handed it to him.

He took it and smiled this smile that you'd get when you got that box of 48 crayons back in third grade.

Monty: Monty asked you out a few months after the altercation with your brother. The day after the fight you were called down to the office to explain what happened. You got a few detentions, but nothing too serious. Monty was given in school suspension for a month or else he would have been suspended for three months. That month passes and the gut wrenching feeling of seeing him in the hallways came back. You had just gotten to school since you had a dentist appointment early in the morning. You grabbed a book from your locker and shut it and started walking toward your class when all of a sudden you spotted Monty. You immediately darted in the other direction when he started running to catch up to you.

"Y/N please wait."

"Why? So you can start a fight with me just like you did to my brother?"

"No, I want to apologise."

"I never thought I'd hear that word come out of your mouth Montgomery."

"Look, if you go on a date with me to Monet's, I'd actually like to talk to you in a better atmosphere than school."

Jeff: Jeff asked you out during your tutoring session. Jeff normally doesn't acknowledge that you exist, nevertheless sit next to you.

"Hey Y/N." He said with that world famous smile of his.

"Hey?" You replied, you have a crush on him but why was he talking to you?

"I know this is kinda weird, but you're really good at this whole periodic table stuff and I really need a really good grade on this test to stay on the team. Do you think you could tutor me?"

"Yeah, of course! When are you free?" You asked.

"I know this is very last minute but I'm free after school today, I can drive you to my place if that's alright for you."

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll just need to text my sister that I won't be home when she gets off the bus."

"Awesome, thank you so much! Just follow me when class is over."

Jeff stayed next to you the entire class, you never knew he was struggling in chem, but when I looked over he gave that very confused look to the paper as the teacher was teaching us about about the periodic table and how the test will be on every single element on the periodic table. The class went by in the blink of an eye. You packed your bag and followed Jeff to his car. You hopped into the passenger seat. He drove away and he started small talk, but you noticed that his hand was hovering about the stick which was odd but you didn't really think much of it. Once we made it to his house, we got out of the car and he unlocked his front door. He showed you around his house and then we finally landed in his bedroom. We hopped onto his bed and you began helping him with what he needed.

Two hours later and most of what has been taught is actually making sense to him. He knew almost every element group and what each elements properties are. He offered to drive me home since I live on the other side of town. We got back into the car and he started driving to my house.

"What do you want to do when you get out of high school?" He asked.

"I really want to be an analytical chemist, this is going to sound so cheesy, but I've wanted to be one since I was a little girl." He smiled at the response.

"That's not cheesy, that's cute. You're really cute when you talk about chem." He said, he looked like he regretted what just came out of his mouth. You blushed.

"What do you mean by that?" You asked, genuinely wanting to know and see if I could get information from him that he was obviously withholding.

"Well, you have this really sweet smile when you talk about anything chem, even in class you get a huge smile on your face. And you had this spark in your eyes when you were teaching me and helping me. You're just, so cute."

You were blushing, your face was beet red and you had this huge and stupid smile plastered across your face.

"I remember back in fifth grade, Monty spread the rumour that you liked me. I can't believe I'm even admitting this, but I always wished it was true even though we never really talked." He said, his face growing almost as red as mine.

"It was true." I said while trying to hide my blushing face.

"Was?" He asked, sort of puzzled.

"It still is true."

A few moments of awkward silence, and Jeff broke the tension.

"Tomorrow, would you like to go on a date?"

Zach: Zach asked you out the night he met you. You were covering a shift at the local diner. The girl you're covering for got the stomach bug and can't stand up without puking her internal organs out.

Your shift was about to end so you were cleaning up a tad bit so the next persons life wasn't too bad, but as you were cleaning, the basketball team at your high school piles in, one-by-one. You were the only available person to wait tables so you had to drop the cleaning supplies, pick up the notepad and pen, and head over.

"Welcome to Rosie's Diner, are you ready to order?" You asked with a smile. You noticed that Zach was staring at you, not in a creepy way, like an admiring way.

The boys told you their orders one by one until it came to Zach, who was too zoned out staring at you to notice anything around him.

"Yo Zach!" Justin said as he snapped his fingers to get him out of his trance. "I think he wants a piece of you." Justin said, laughter erupting from the table, and a nervous laugh and a flushed face was gained from Zach.

You handed the cook the orders and brought their drinks and then continued cleaning. The bell rang with the food and you brought the meals to the table and continued to go back to cleaning. You looked up when you heard the boys snickering and looked up at you and back to snickering, but you just brushed it away. Moments later, you heard someone clear their throat. You looked up, it was Zach.

"Here's what we owe." He said as he handed over the stack of money and the receipt.

You looked at the receipt to see the tip, there is a phone number on the bottom. You looked up.

"Call me?" He asked.

You simply nodded your head with a smile and he smiled back and went to his boys and they all clapped and left. 'Picking up shifts are too bad' you thought to yourself.

After your shift ended, you got into your car and called the boy.

"Hello?"

"You wanted me to call?"

"Oh yeah, I didn't think you'd actually do it, I was starting to get my hopes up."

"Why did you want me to call you? Doesn't a handsome man like yourself have a girlfriend?"

"No, haha. I wanted to ask you on a date. Does tomorrow sound good?"

Tony: Tony asked you out once he finished working on your car. He drove your fixed car to your house and you were so excited to see your baby working even better than before!

"Thank you so much Tony! How can I repay you?"

"Will you go on a date with me?"

Tyler: Tyler asked you out after a project shoot. There was a partner assignment and you ended up getting paired up with Tyler. You two had never talked so this was a new friendship opportunity.

You two sat together on the bleachers after school to discuss what we were doing. It was an open assignment but you still needed to plan something.

"I was thinking taking pictures of you in the sunflower field a few towns over." He said, fidgeting with his camera.

"Why me?" You asked.

"You're basically model status. You're gorgeous, why wouldn't I use you as the subject?" He said, you blushed. "Cute girl, cute field, cute pictures. Perfect." He said with a smile.

The entire time he was your personal photographer, all he did was throw compliments around. After the shoot was over you two started looking at them in silence until Tyler spoke up.

"I'm going out on a limb here since I'm pretty sure you're single, but if you're not busy after your shift on Saturday, I'd like to take you on a date.

Requests are still open!

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[sobermaria]

An open letter for that boy who broke my heart

It has been a awhile since I have written a blog and I again have that cringe feeling on typing my own thoughts and what runs in my mind but bear with me in this one because I think this blog is gonna be one of those thoughts that I am scared of writing because it is a topic I had always tried to ignore and steer away from because I don’t have the guts to post it because someone might read it and I am embarrassed that someone might actually read this but hey if someone would read this then I am confident to say that I am not gonna feel embarrassed  if you happen to read this so no worries haha. I am the type of writer that actually have the courage to write about something when I know that I am finally over with it. Things that I am ready to move forward to. As I am writing this now I am sure that if the person I dedicated this entry might read this, I have no regrets because I can say that finally this is just gonna be a good old memory in a form of a tumblr blog entry. So here it goes...

An open letter for that boy who broke my heart:

Hey you, how are you doing? How’s life? Hope your doing worst hahaha just kidding but you know well that jokes are half meant. First of all, I am not typing this and posting this here to get your attention whatsoever so don’t get too full on yourself. Its been like what two years since we split up? It seems like a long time isn’t it? I met you when I was 17, you were there when I turned 18 and left me the same age and now I’ll soon turn 20. Time really flies. I could clearly remember how fucked up I am the day you broke up with me. I am so upset I drowned myself in alcohol all by myself and hopped to two different bars then puked my lungs out but I bet you didn’t know that. You texted me to stop drinking and maybe you knew I was drunk but what you didn’t knew is how drunk I got. I got so drunk that the waitresses in the bar needed to escort me outside and help me find a vehicle to take me home and I was lucky I got home safe and the driver didn’t try to harass me hahaha I actually smile every time I remember that night how hurt I am that I am crying while drinking and the waiters and waitresses look at me with pity but never did I felt an ounce of pity to myself. I guess that is what love does to people. Love sometimes get the best of you and eats you alive. But hey that is just a very good memory of mine. At least the next time I get my heart broken, I would cry a little less right? My parents are waiting for me when I got home. They didn’t knew I was drunk nor I was heart broken. I slept crying. And many more nights I cried for the same reason. Sometimes I wonder if you cried for me too? Probably not. But if you did I’m sorry I made you cry. For months after that I still feel the pain. I stalk you the whole day on social media every day and telling my friends that I already moved on from you even though the truth is I always taught of chatting you and beg you to come back to me which I successfully prevented myself from doing (hoorayyy) I always thought that I will never get over you and the pain our love caused to me. I fell on a really dark place and I never told anyone about how I really felt. And up until this moment I wonder why I even felt that miserable. Maybe because I think I am broken and you can fix me but the thing is we should never rely on other people to fill a void within ourselves nor fix us because we will just end up ruining ourselves more and feel more empty. If I could turn back time I would still want to fall in love with you. But I would just keep it to myself and not go and pursue you. If there is one thing I got scared after falling in love with you is it is taking risks. I always take risks before you and you are a risk I had taken and you are the risk that broke the part of me that dares to take risks. You remove my passion to take risks and I don’t fully blame you for that. I too am the reason why I got hurt myself. I just wished your a risk I didn’t dare to take. I am not afraid of falling in love again it is the risk of feeling pain that is I am afraid of but bummer because love and pain is a duo right? hahaha anyways I really wish you are doing great because I could finally say that I am doing great myself. I actually feel happy and feel light as air while typing this. It is like I feel like I am telling a story to you like that one time we talked to each other about random stuffs to get to know each other when our period at class is vacant and we didn’t notice time and you said that you need to go home because your friends wait for you. I bet you already forgot that and maybe you even forgot about me but hey I guess its for the better right? All I wanna say is I am happy to write something special about someone who was once special to me. I wish you well and all the good things in life. And hey if you ever thought that I didn’t love you or never loved you at all, I just wanted you to know that the moment I saw you, I wanted you to be mine and I had you and having you made me feel like a real woman who is capable of falling in love and yes, you are the risk I wished I didn’t take but you are the best mistake I ever committed with. 

Sincerely,

Angelika

P.S.

This is all platonic now, no feelings involve and I could finally say I loved you and you hurt me but I learned a lot in that small time you were a part of my life. Thank you for being a part of it and a part of me. Let’s both be happy and move forward. :)

[vanillatwilight17]

A New Beginning (Chapter 6)

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait! I hope you all are still with me! Here is the next chapter! Please leave me some reviews or comments after you read! I didn't get a single one for the last chapter and I have no idea how you guys felt about it lol.

Here is a link to chapter 5 with all other chapters linked if you forgot, are new, or want to reread to catch up!

http://vanillatwilight17.tumblr.com/post/161977128288/a-new-beginning-chapter-5

Chapter 6: Yellow or Green?

The entire town of Storybrooke could talk of nothing for days after Emma and Killian's big baby announcement. Between Snow and the dwarves telling everyone they could, anyone who hadn't been at the party knew within a day or so. Slowly, especially for Emma who was still throwing up on a daily basis, the days turned to weeks and before Emma knew it she was five months pregnant. As their alarm went off to wake them up for work, Emma reached over to turn it off and felt instantly amazed.

"Killian," She said trying to wake her still sleeping husband.

"Whaaaamf iz tit uuuvve?" he mumbled into his pillow.

"I didn't throw up last night!" Emma said elated! This would seem a silly accomplishment to anyone not getting over the stomach flu but to her it was a Christmas miracle. Dr. Whale told her that some women experience morning sickness their entire pregnancy and Emma was beginning to think she was one of those lucky few. Morning sickness was obviously a relative term because anytime of the day she could find herself needing to sprint to the closest bathroom. She started figuring out foods and smells that set her off more than others but it was still extremely annoying.

"Really?" Killian rolled over, placing his arm under her neck to pull her close to him. "No more morning sickness?"

"I wouldn't go that far yet but this was the first time I slept through the night without puking since before I found out I was pregnant."

"I was beginning to think you were this horrible mother who was sneaking out after I went to sleep to binge drink at the rabbit hole and was crawling home to puke your guts out." He teased her causing her to swat playfully at him.

"Hahaha I would much rather have the drunk pukes. At least they don't hit you in the middle of grocery shopping or parent conferences." Emma said thinking back to some recent unpleasant memories.

"Someone's been giving Mummy trouble already." Killian said placing his hand on Emma's rounded stomach and bending down to give it a gentle kiss.

Killian was absolutely obsessed with her baby bump and Emma loved it. She remembered the first day her clothes no longer fit her. She had been particularly hormonal that day and they were supposed to be going over to Regina's to celebrate baby Robin's birthday. She must have tried on every outfit in her closet and not a single thing fit her. She ended up in sweat pants and her bra sitting on the floor sobbing. When her husband had come up stairs to check on her, finding her like that he rushed to her assuming something was wrong.

"Emma love what's wrong? Is it the baby?"

"Yes!" Emma said through angry sobs.

"What is it? Do you need a doctor?"

"It's not like that. The baby is fine. Great actually that's the current issue."

"I'm afraid I'm not following love." Killian said, he had learned to be patient with his wife when she was having hormonal moments if he liked his head.

"Look!" Emma said pulling off the shirt to reveal a small bump on her stomach.

"I see! You're finally showing! Our baby is finally making itself known to us!" Killian said wrapping his arms around his wife and pulling her in for a hug.

"And none of my clothes fit! I'm a cow. What is everyone going to think when I show up to the party like this?" Emma said pouting.

"Well you have to be the cutest damn cow I've ever seen." Killian said. "They might think it a tad on the scandalous side. Crazed mother to be shows up to a two year olds birthday party in nothing but her bra and sweats sobbing that she has joined the bovine family." As much as Emma wanted to smack him she couldn't help but smile. He had a way of making her laugh.

"Maybe my mom still has some of her maternity clothes that she can lend me for this afternoon then we can go shopping."

"That's the spirit love! Here, wear one of my shirts until then," Killian said, turning his wife around so her back was to him and they were both staring at their reflections in the mirror. "This right here, is the most beautiful site in the entire world." He said, kissing her cheek and placing his hand and hook on her stomach. You have never been more beautiful to me than you are right now, carrying my child."

From that day on whenever possible, Killian's hand was on her stomach. He talked to the baby constantly. This morning waking up was no different.

"I hope this isn't a sign for what we are in for." Emma said laughing.

"Say no Mummy! You are a little angel aren't you baby." He said kissing her swollen belly then coming up to kiss his wife.

"Did you think on the appointment today?" Emma asked him.

"I did. I don't want to know."

"Really? You don't want to know if it's a boy or a girl?"

"If you really want to we can. Where I'm from we have to do it the old fashioned way and find out when it's born."

"I'm fine with not knowing. There aren't very many surprises left in life."

"Thank the gods. I really wasn't feeling another big reveal operation. Those are exhausting!"

"You and me both. I'm sure my mom will give us a hard time about it though just be prepared."

"Do you have preference for what it is?"

"No, not really." She said.

"Are you sure about that?" He asked eying her suspiciously.

"I mean…."

"There it is!" He said proud of himself.

"I just mean that I will love him or her unconditionally regardless, but we already have a boy, it might be nice to have a little girl. I'm sure you want a little swashbuckling boy though."

"Why can't I have a little swashbuckling lass?"

"You certainly can! I just figured you would want a little Killian is all."

"I, like you, will love our child unconditionally regardless but I would be a miss to say I wasn't fond of the idea of daddy's little girl."

"I think that role would suit you well." Emma said smiling, nuzzling her husbands cheek. "We better get up and get going since we have to leave early today for the doctor."

"Unfortunately you are right love. Are we picking Henry up from school?"

"No, my mom is leaving early to check him out and bring him. She has been begging me even more than he has about coming to an appointment. Sorry, I should have told you." Emma said, hoping the additional guest at their appointment wouldn't bother him.

"No reason to be sorry love. I am floored that our child is entering the world surrounded by people who love it."

"Me too. My mom missed so much with me, and she says that there are so few milestones in my life left, that she wants to be part of all that she can. Who am I to deny the woman that?"

"And if you did she would just come anyway." Killian pointed out.

"True story bro." Emma said.

"Last I checked we weren't siblings…" Killian said confused.

"It's an expression. All the cool kids are saying it these days. I'll get dressed then head downstairs to get breakfast going."

"True story bro!" Killian said excitedly.

"No you can't say it for…you know what…never mind!" Emma said walking away laughing. One of these days she would get her pirate into the 21st century.

At three o'clock Emma, Killian, Henry, and Snow were all sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Whale's office.

"This is so exciting! We're going to get to see your little brother or sister!" Snow said wrapping her arm around Henry's shoulder.

"It would be more exciting if these two would find out if it was a brother or a sister!" Henry said.

"What? You don't want to know?" Snow asked surprised.

"Mom there are so few surprises left in life. Why ruin one of them?"

"How will we decorate the nursery if we don't know what it is though?"

"You can go gender neutral or wait until the baby is born and do it then."

"A baby should have a proper nursery when it's born!" Snow said appalled at the idea of waiting until her grandchild was here before painting the walls of it's bedroom.

"How did you decorate my nursery? You didn't know what I was." Emma said and Snow went very quiet and began fiddling with items in her purse.

"Mom…you didn't know what I was right?"

"True we didn't have fancy technology that let us see the baby before it was born but we had….ways of finding out what it was."

"You didn't Mom!" Emma said surprised.

"Grandma!" Henry said even more surprised.

"Really Snow?" Killian said.

"It wasn't like I cast a spell or something on myself or put you in any danger! Your father's mother had this necklace that was enchanted that could tell you if you were going to have a boy or a girl."

"Mom you know all magic comes with a price! What if the price had been that I was born with three heads?"

"Or what if she was cursed to act like a chicken during a full moon?" Henry added.

"Or what if she could only speak in haiku's her whole life?" Killian said accusingly. Unfortunately the three of them were not able to keep the façade up and started laughing.

"Oh please! Like the three of you haven't used magic to find something out. Clearly she came out just fine so no harm no foul."

"Emma Jones! The doctor will see you now please follow me!" A nurse called out and the four of them followed her back to the room.

"You know…sometimes when I'm around horses I feel like I…" Emma started but was cut off by her mother swatting at her shoulder.

"Shhh and follow the nurse young lady. I brought you into this world and I can take you out! You are fine!" Snow said.

Fifteen minutes later after vitals were taken, Dr. Whale was performing the ultrasound on Emma with her family members gathered around.

"Brought the whole crew today huh?" He asked.

"Oh this isn't the whole crew." Emma said laughing. "If you really wanted to draw out the family tree I don't think we would all fit in here." Everyone else started laughing too.

"Well they will be sad they didn't make the cut because this is one of those super high tech ultrasound machines that should you a 3D image of your baby. It's basically the next best thing to them actually seeing them. So let's see here…" Dr. Whale started moving the wand around to find the right angle. "Here we go. Ready to meet your baby?" Emma grabbed Killian's hand and both tightened their grip as an image filled the screen. Instead of a traditional grainy ultrasound image this one showed actual detail.

"Oh my God!" Emma said unable to hold back the tears. She gazed upon a perfect little nose, to perfect little lips, perfect little fingers and toes.

"That's our baby!" Killian said shakily. Emma looked up and saw he was crying too.

"Look it's waving at you!" Dr. Whale said noting that the baby's hand was moving. "If you've been talking to it frequently it probably recognizes your voices.

"Oh Emma! That's your baby!" Snow said kissing her daughter's head, barely holding back tears. "It's beautiful."

"It's perfect!" Emma and Killian said together, unable to take their eyes off the screen.

"Hey little dude! I'm your big brother!" Henry said.

"Pretty cool huh kid?" Emma asked taking her son's hand. Henry's eyes were so full of excitement, this baby couldn't have asked for a better big brother.

"Do you want to know if it is a little dude or dudette?" Dr. Whale asked. Emma was seriously tempted, she looked to her husband and saw that he was feeling the same way. They met eyes and had a silent conversation and squeezed each other's hands.

"The temptation is so strong but we want to be surprised." Killian said.

"Please Mom and Dad!" Henry pleaded.

"Sorry kid, gonna have to wait like the rest of us!" Emma said.

"I for one am glad you are waiting. So few people do anymore. It's so much more exciting that way. I'll get you copies of these pictures and then we will get you on your way." Dr. Whale said.

"Make an extra set for me!" Snow said.

Later that evening they were all sitting in her parent's living room looking at the ultrasound pictures. Regina, Zelena, Belle, and the kids had all come over for dinner.

"What sort of magic is this?" Regina asked looking at the pictures.

"I wish I had gotten one of these done!" Belle said.

"You and me both!" Zelena agreed.

"Well the question of the hour…who does it look like?" Regina said.

"Emma!" Belle said.

"Killian!" Killian said.

"I think it's a good mix of both of them!" David said.

"Mom!" Henry said.

"It's absolutely gorgeous so obviously Emma." Killian said.

"I was going to say the same thing about you!" Emma said.

"You two are revolting!" Regina said. "I can't believe you didn't find out what it is! How will we buy you gifts for your shower?"

"Oh you guys don't have to…"

"Oh don't even for one second think I'm not planning you a shower missy!" Snow said.

"Well you will just have to buy neutral colors like green or yellow." Emma said.

"Yellow is so not a neutral color!" Killian added.

"Yes it is!" Emma and Snow argued back.

"No it's not!" Killian and David said together.

The two sides looked to other members of their family for support and a full out debate ensued over the color yellow which turned into how would they paint the nursery which turned into laughs and good memories. Emma was so thankful that she had found her family and that her baby would be surrounded by nothing but love and support from day one.

A/N: So sorry for the wait! I was struggling with this chapter then I left the country for vacation and yea. Hope you are all still with me and that you leave me some reviews! I love hearing your feedback and knowing what you thought. It inspires me! Next chapter hopefully out much sooner!

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds s01e05 Broken Mirror review.

Episode 05 – Broken Mirror

Ok, so last episode was beyond freaky. That whole abducting and torturing the mom in front of the baby thing? Yeesh. Let’s see what this one brings.

Ain’t no party like a Criminal Minds party, cuz a Criminal Minds party ends in murder.

Dude, you are so drunk, she isn’t going to listen to you when you’re in this state. And she most definitely isn’t going to let you drive, you nutjob. Though she is cute, I can see why he loves her.

Wait, what? She’s letting him drive? Oh my god. This is gonna be awful.

Oh crap. Car in the middle of the woods, in the middle of the forest. And he’s going out to investigate, and she’s following. Why can’t victims be smart?

Your girl is calling you back, go to her. Dumbass.

Great. They left the key in the car. Wonderful. Of course something like this was going to happen.

“Top Secret”, huh Reid? You dog! I love that he doesn’t kiss and tell. Whereas Morgan … oh boy, that kid’s got mileage on his clock. Come on. Ok, I’ll admit it, that chick was foxy as hell, but come on! Think of Penelope!

“My code of survival says never mess with a woman who carries a gun.” You’re ok again in my books, baby boy.

Aww!!!! Hotch is so cute when he’s all lovey-dovey with Hayley. So sweet.

Elle, be nice, and wait for him to finish patiently. Not really loving the whole guard-dog thing.

Ugh. Still pissed that Kirsten isn’t a series regular here.

Euripides: “When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.” – ew, no thank you.

Thank you for the nerd report, Spencer, love you.

Aw, Morgan your concerned face is the cutest thing ever, I love you too.

What does Davenport owe the kidnapper? Ugh. Nothing worth kidnapping his daughter, I’m sure. Ugh I hate kidnapping cases where there’s a parent involved.

Why is that chick lying in the middle of the road? I mean, I get it, sister grief and stuff, but come on, that is earth, please get up sweetie, you’ll mess your pretty hair.

Oh she’s good.

What? Organs that should be on the right are on the left and the doctor says it’s fine? I would be worried.

And yes, Reid can read that fast, babe, he’s that good.

Ooh, roleplaying with Morgan? Yes please. But not with murder.

Oh honey, Reid, baby? Please stop gibbering, I love you so much.

And yes, Morgan, we know you’re sarcastic as hell, everyone knows that.

Wow. That voice sounds so robotic, it’s scary.

Why the fuck … oh man, it’s about the abducted girl’s twin sister, oh boy oh man.

They’re actually letting her talk to him? Oh god.

Oh he’s onto her. He knows the FBI is there.

Oh god this is one sick puppy again. Ugh.

He’s so mechanical it’s freaky.

Oh she’s alive, but she sounds stoned as hell.

Great, it’s untraceable. What good are the FBI if they can’t track a fucking phone call?

Asshole is calling again. Hmm. Now Sheryl is linked to everything. Ugh. This is gonna be ugly.

Yup. They’re gonna abduct Sheryl, too. Ugh. Go Shemar! God, I love watching this fine specimen move.

Lol Reid wearing headphones is funny.

Ugh. That creep is peeving me out and I want him dead. Someone needs to shut this fucking turd up.

And someone needs to tell Sheryl to listen to Morgan. Ugh.

Erotomania. Ew. Even thinking about the term makes me want to puke my guts out.

So everyone is talking and Gideon is peeling an orange. What the actual fuck?

Well someone has to get the fucking phone cuz it stimulates me agitation.

Why is Gideon hanging up on him like that? He’s just driving him insane. Whoa. That guy is playing with fire. Holy shit.

What is he playing at? He’s driving the dad and sister nuts and just driving the crazy psycho to extreme and yet he keep a cool exterior like nobody’s business lol.

How the hell does he know who Jason Gideon is? Lol how the fuck does he know about everyone else?

Pumped-up side of beef? Well, aside from the pumped-up part, he is a lovely side of beef, that agent Derek Morgan. Rawr.

How the hell do they know how to find him? Come on! There’s no fucking way.

He’s still in the house. How did they bring raw equipment after they swept the room?

Ugh, that sleazy security guy is the fucking unsub, ew. Just ew.

Wait. Why is my baby boy on the floor out cold? Who the fuck dared hurt my baby boy?

Oh yeah, bitch. Elle just schooled that creep! Wait, what? He’s actually hurting her? Oh yeah, baby, she just knocked him down good. Hahaha I love this lady so much. She’s stepping on his junk. Oh my goodness I’m in love with Lola.

“Some creative way to persuade him” – yup, stepping on someone’s genitals will do the trick.

Euripides: “When love is in excess, it brings a man no honor nor worthiness.” Wow. I didn’t get that one. If someone can please tell me, I would be grateful.

The bastard tasered my baby boy! I’m gonna kill him! (Yes, I know it’s a fictitious show, you don’t have to worry about my sanity, I just get emotionally invested in my TV hotties).

Aw, he’s so tired and sore, I give one hell of a massage, let me get my fingers on that firm … oh my god I can’t finish the thought for fear of wetting myself. Ugh. He’s so hunky.

And I’m so angry Kirsten wasn’t in this episode at all.

[suga-babby]

Desire Pt.7 (p.jimin)

Pt.1 Pt.2 Pt.3 Pt.4 Pt.5 Pt.6

Words:2449

Author’s Notes:Hey loves! I’m so sorry this is so late! But hey it’s here now! Anyways, thank you again for your support! Please go follow my wonderful partner in crime @bamboree! Also if you love this please follow our wattpad account suga-babby. (Warning: there is some strong language and mature themes/suggestions in this chapter. No it’s not smut hahaha)

Summary: Amber has liked Jimin for sometime now. But unfortunately he is dating her best friend. When things start to unfold before her eyes, her life is changed. But is it for the good or the bad?

I woke up on my couch, still wearing the same makeup from the night before. I rolled over and glanced at the clock.

8:00 a.m.

I groaned in disapproval.

My phone buzzing on the coffee table, must've been the reason I woke up. I picked it up and saw Caroline's picture staring at me.

"Hey." I said groggily.

"Good morning! Did you forget that we're leaving at 10?" Caroline laughed into the phone.

"Oh no, I'm already packed so I'm sleeping in a little." I lied. I couldn't help but feel weird, especially about what happened, or what could've happened.

I know she was in the wrong, yet I couldn't manage the reoccurring guilt that resided in my stomach.

"Okay well I'll see you guys then. Bye!"

I walked over to the bathroom and took the remaining makeup off, dreading this entire beach trip.

I finally went through my clothes and threw some outfits together. I picked up my phone and realized I had about ten messages. All from him.

Jimin: Amber, I am so sorry. I just want things to be okay between us.

I slumped on my bed, I didn't know what to think or say. I understood, but can't he be selfish for one minute? I just wanted to tell him about her, about all the lies she's fed him.

I contemplated everything as I scanned over the messages.

Jimin: Did you want it too?

My fingers hovered over the keyboard. What do I say?

I began to type.

Jimin. I always have, I|

Jimin. I always|

Me: Jimin. It was the heat of the moment, don't worry ok?

I quickly sent the message, with utter dismay making itself comfortable in my gut. I exited out of my messaging app, hoping the feeling would subside soon.

As I zipped up my suitcase, someone was knocking on my door.

I sat up quickly, running to the door. I looked through the peep hole seeing Eliza's curls.

I smiled and opened the door, seeing her face smirking at me.

"Girl, you didn't answer any of my texts. I was starting to think something happened!" She said worriedly, storming inside my apartment. I shut the door behind her.

"I'm okay Eliza, really. I just overslept!" I lied through my teeth, hoping she wouldn't pry any further.

"So nothing happened when Jimin came over?" Eliza said sounding unsure.

"We just talked. That's all." I replied. She crossed her arms, and scoffed. "Fine, you don't have to tell me."

"Well there's nothing to tell." I added.

The room fell silent. I averted my eyes from her gaze, and went into my bedroom to grab my suitcase. I didn't really feel like telling Eliza about the almost kiss with Jimin. I avoided the subject because the last thing I wanted was to be reminded of last night. I came out to see her walking toward the couch, her curls bouncing with every step she took.

"Anyways... so are you all set for the beach?" She broke the silence.

"Yeah, let's just put on a movie until Caroline and Jimin get here." I told her.

As the movie began to play, Eliza muted it. "I don't want to watch a movie, I want to know if you're okay."

I sighed,"No I'm not okay, I don't want to be in this situation."

I began again,"I don't want to be number two, you know what I mean? Like he already has her, and I'm just going to be the other girl. It's just not fucking fair." I said angrily.

"But at the same time Amber, it's always been you. They've shared kisses and went on dates sure, but y'all always connected on a deeper level and you two know that." Eliza attempted to reassure me.

She laughed,"And you haven't even been number two because they haven't even had sex. Yet she's willing to cheat on Jimin with Chris. If anything that makes her lower."

I leaned my head on Eliza,"Speaking of which, do you know if he has any sort of social media?" She asked me.

"Why?" I said suspiciously.

"Nothing! I just wanna creep." Eliza smirked.

"Oh yeah his username is chris.m.1994" I said, looking at an old picture of him and Caroline from months ago.

Eliza grabbed her phone, and started typing really fast.

"Why?" I pressed again, becoming more suspicious.

"I may see what he's doing today... I'm that bitch." She laughed loudly.

"Eliza- NO STOP!" I tried snatching the phone from her hand. She got up and ran around my apartment, and I darted after her like a crazy woman.

"What's the harm?" She ran into my room. "I just wanna hang out with him!"

"The worst thing he could say is no! Or 'you're creeping me out and how did you get my username?' But I'm hoping for the best!" She said from the inside of my closet.

"GET OUT I'M NOT PLAYING! GIVE ME THE DAMN PHONE!" I yelled.

"Oh yeah? You and what army?" She said confidently.

We heard a knock on the door, and became silent.

"Eliza delete that message I am begging you." I whisper yelled into the closet crack.

She opened the door to the closet looking satisfied with herself.

"And it's done." She walked out of the bedroom,"I'll get the door... Muahahahaha."

I sat on my bedroom floor dumbfounded.

"Hey Caroline! Girl you look so good." That snake. She knew exactly what she is doing.

I was in such a trance I didn't  even notice Caroline walk into my room.

"Hey what are you doing on the floor?" She asked curiously.

"Oh I was looking for an earring but couldn't find it so I gave up, and here I am now." I said fake smiling.

She laughed, and sat down next to me. " You haven't told Eliza about Chris right? I'm just asking because I don't want things to be more awkward." What did she mean?

"He doesn't even know about Jimin, he just thinks that he's our friend from out of town that comes and stays over sometimes." I wanted to punch her. I hesitated, then laughed nervously. "Oh really? And why would I do that?" I stood up and grabbed my bag.

"You're right, I was just curious." She followed me out of my room. As we made our way into the living room, I heard Jimin's infectious laugh.

We made eye contact and exchanged hellos...like nothing happened. My eyes panned over to Eliza, she was smiling at her phone and it made my heart race. I was scared of what the night might turn into.

"Shall we go?" Jimin asked, smiling and taking the bags from our hands.

We all piled into the car and headed off. Since we live in Oregon, the "beach" is a small lake front campsite. But to us it's a beach.

The car ride was for the most part silent, with the exception of the monotone music. Caroline kept trying to make small talk which didn't last long.

Just then I felt Eliza tap on my shoulder, she gestured for me to take her phone. I rolled my eyes and grabbed it.

I gave her a pained expression. "Just read it." She mouthed to me. I brought my attention back to her phone screen.

It was her Instagram conversation with Chris.

elizugh: hey you probably don't know me... but I'm a really good friend of Caroline's! I wanted to ask you something.

chris.m.1994: oh hey! what's up?

elizugh: nothing much, but you remember Amber right?

chris.m.1994: yeah she's super cool! I've only met her once though, what about her? :)

elizugh: well we thought that it'd be great if you surprised Caroline. We're going on a girls trip and it would be cool if you came! She would freak out :) But please don't tell her, we're trying to surprise her! Also sorry if this is weird we just love our friend!

chris.m.1994: you're fine hahah! I don't think you're weird! Okay for sure, I'll be there. Just send me the address! :)

I could not believe her. This was going to be a very long weekend.

Thirty minutes passed and we pulled up to the cabin. It was so quaint, there was two rooms on the first floor and a loft on the top.

It was now about seven and we were making dinner. Eliza was continuously checking her phone and chopping vegetables. Jimin was grilling the burgers, and Caroline was in their room. I sat there peeling the potatoes, my nerves eating away at me.

Eliza smiled and glanced at the door. I internally screamed as I heard a knock. I felt like I was about to puke.

"I'll get it." Jimin said confused. I watched as he walked over to the door eating a piece of meat. "Hey man, can I help you?"

"Hey you must be Jimin! I'm Chris! Yeah I'm looking for my girlfriend." Chris laughed, I could see that he was wearing cargo shorts, a navy shirt and a white hat. My eyes widened and I turned to Eliza who was trying her best not to burst out laughing.

"Hey! Come on in dude, Eliza is right there." Jimin said inviting him in while pointing at Eliza. Eliza waved subtly, looking back at me.

Like clockwork, Caroline came out from her room. "No that's my girlfriend." He said going over to Caroline, and wrapping his arms around her.

Caroline looked like she was about to pass out. Her eyes trailed up at Jimin, then to Eliza and me.

Jimin laughed, "Man there must be a mistake-This has been my girlfriend for two years?" He said in hysterics.

Chris let go and stepped back to look at Caroline. "Well that's weird because she's been my girlfriend for a year now."

The two boys stared at Caroline, Jimin had an unreadable expression. But at the same time it was like he was okay. "Aren't you going to fucking say something?" Chris yelled at her.

"Wait wait, let's not yell." Jimin sighed, "Caroline? Who is he?" He asked in frustrated tone.

Chris began to speak,"I'm-"

"No, no. Let her answer. Caroline, who is he?" Jimin pressed again, stepping closer to her. She ignored him and plopped onto the love seat.

"Yeah who am I?" Chris intervened.

I was watching Caroline's web unwind. I turned the stove off. Then sat at the table.

After what seemed to be an eternity, Caroline finally spoke.

"How did you even know I was here?" She emotionlessly questioned.

"That doesn't matter right now, don't try and flip this around. Who am I to you?" Chris raised his voice once more.

Jimin crossed his arms and sighed loudly.

"You guys are both my boyfriends, is that what you wanted to hear?" The two boys exchanged glances, and returned their gaze back to her.

Chris laughed,"Are you fucking serious, Caroline?"

"Yeah but its lik-"

Chris instantly interrupted,"No, no you told me that Jimin was a friend that stayed with you sometimes because he lives out of town. You told me that there as nothing to worry about! But clearly you're dating and have been dating for two fucking years!"

Jimin started getting mad I guess because he looked at her and I've never seen him look this way before. He then began to talk. "I know you met him at your training. I knew that you and him were close because you had the same major and you told me that you wanted to get closer to him because he had connections. This is so ridiculous."

"Why did you continue to have sleep with me then Caroline? If you had a boyfriend why would you do that?" Chris fumed.

"Wait a minute... you two slept together?" Jimin rose his voice.

"Jimin I- it's not what you think." Caroline got up from her seat and started approaching Jimin.

"Don't lie to him Caroline! You know it happened, so just tell him!" Chris yelled.

"You told me that you weren't ready. So I waited. Why would you tell me that?" Caroline began sobbing. I felt like shit, not because it's happening but the way it's happening.

"You know I was invited here to surprise you? I had the whole weekend planned, and it was going to be so perfect. Your friend sent me the address so I decided to show up."

Caroline wiped away her tears, and looked up at Eliza and I.

"You guys did this to me on purpose! You can't ever just leave things alone Amber!" She shouted at me.

"Don't fucking get mad at her!" Eliza said. She left the kitchen, and stood in front of Caroline.

"It was me. I sent him here." She confessed.

"Why would you-"

Eliza intervened. "Why would I? I thought we were all friends here? I'm sorry I didn't know the extent of your little relationship!"

Caroline jumped in front of Eliza and yelled, "Yeah but Amber does! She heard me on the phone the night of her birthday! So I know she told you so stop acting like you didn't do this on purpose!"

"You know you shouldn't be getting mad at them. They only did what was right." Chris said calmly.

"How long did you think you could do this Caroline?" Jimin asked looking at her intensely.

"I don't have to stay here and take this. I'm leaving." She snapped and went in the room to collect her stuff. "Don't follow me, I'm going to walk to the office."

The door slammed behind her and the room fell silent.

Jimin ran outside. My heart sank. We opened the door to see him sprinting after her in the driveway.

"Caroline! Stop!"  He yelled.

"I told you not to follow me Jimin." She spat.

"I know, I just wanted to make sure you knew it was over." He smiled and waved at her. Then proceeded back to the house.

When he came inside it was like something was  different. He looked up at me and half smiled, which I understood.

"Well guys, uhh thanks for the closure I guess. I should probably head out. Maybe we can hangout sometime, but in the way future." Chris laughed and waved as he opened the door. As the door slammed once more, we heard his car start and peel out.

I walked over to the couch and sat next to Jimin. "Are you okay?" I asked as I placed my hand in his knee.

"No" he paused, "but I will be." He smiled at me, placing his hand on top of mine.

[noyonayana]

Exercise # 1

So who wins? those that get to live. Thus, I won, although tis a hollow victory because you didn’t win anything good, you just get to live with the memories of what happened and what your part was in all of it. what sort of life can come after that?

There is no sky, nothing to see upwards. only smoke, all air is grey-coloured now and that is what it will always be. and all around you is carnage, death, mutilation and by your feet a network of blood runs and gurgles, teeming from all the fallen to join together to form rivers and ponds where the grounds gives way.  You cannot do anything, look anywhere, step one step without getting closer to losing grip over yourself, to giving up control to something else that is sitting in your spot in your home: the trigger is not the bodies themselves, kill enough and you become desensitized to motion and the deed, to the blood, the innards, guts and the slop of humanity and its waste just lying about, strewn everywhere, disobeying its natural order and so far away from its proper place. It is your own traitorous mind, that looks at the torn and bloodied and otherwise rendered unrecognizable uniform on a mangled corpse and thinks that it might be your friend’s. Can you recognise your old squadron mate in cannon fodder, make out a familiar mark or tattoo on his body or his name and ranking somewhere on his outfit if it looks that way? that, those thoughts are enough to unhinge something crucial; then your mind runs away somewhere leaving you alone and surrounded by unfamiliar monsters, unknown house guests in your head to deal with what you’re processing; they are unfamiliar because you had never gone that far deep inside or wherever they came from but once you do, you recognise something in these new thoughts. you start to come to terms with the fact that it is your mind saying them, you revel in a new connection and different unknown untested ideas in a place that seems to be about killing everything old and known.

so do you touch it, the corpse that might be your friend’s. You kick out his burning hot legs from under him and straighten him out. Do you wrap something around your hands to protect yourself and gingerly attempt to turn over his body in respect or is it better to bloody yourself uncovered, unprotected in his departed humanity, in the physicality of his abandoned human vessel? and maybe that is more honest. Perhaps only then can you look his family in the eye and tell them the lie about his honorable and admirable death in the name of country, god, faith, whatever excuse paid for and justified this particular battleground. So you can spout the rhetoric of whichever fund pays for that medal of honour, courage, faith, resilience, whatever excuse and symbol of humanity that we get in exchange for giving up the real thing in totality? Since it is not my first such corpse, my hands move automatically, my brain functioning on half power, my emotions fully cut off, some part of me unrecognisable to myself and the other part silenced. If you could see my eyes, they’d be overbright. an inhuman light shining like a beam of life cutting through the smoke of death, shining brightly on corpse and soon-to-be corpse alike, reflecting off the field’s red veins,  illuminating in muted colours, an overworked mechanical  consciousness, that severed from its conscience still records every image and sound relentlessly in preparation for all the nights to come from now on. I knew what would happen. and yet i came. maybe war only revealed what was already broken.  

But this soldier is not done yet. I have been tasked to bring back mementos from this war, if not my friends themselves. I have made an oath to someone. I can’t remember or feel anything beyond these directives. I only know I must do it or die trying. I have been looking, time has no meaning, but I cant see my friends. I have searched many corpses and found friends but too late. Yet I hunt. For some reason, I cant ignore the directive to bring back souvenirs. If I ignore that and run away, my brain jolts at that inhuman thought, I think I will die. Whatever remains of me, whatever can live after the complete unhinging, I will not remain. 

So I try but I think all of my unit have died. and I am carrying many souvenirs on my back. I stop at yet another body that seems familiar, something itching in me to check this one out too for there I might find a friend I have forgotten. This is one of the more intact ones, most others are just a few limbs or horrible expressions but this body is male and he is very tall and seems important, with his 3 stars and thick boots that even here scream of some other value that died with its owner, a death by multiple stabbings. I fall down to my knees next to his face to look closely at his features and uniform but suddenly there is an aura of smell coming from him that even I cant stand too long and I don’t want to puke anymore so my hands search, frantically, ripping apart his uniform for any keepsake or memento that might still be on him and I pat down wherever there is clothing still only onto a half charred and already decomposing human body. He must have been dead for sometime, I wonder what is the time between the start of the war and where I am now and soon in his exposed innards, I can see the telltale white slimey things on him already that signal new life. This is a veritable feast for them, they must grow here and flourish, whole species and dynasties gorging their life cycles on single bodies and singular wars. They might even have minor evolutionary cycles during the course of each battle. They may not be similar in formation and behaviour to those that inhabit other battlefields. and maybe the space of time between another carnage is unfelt to them, what if they can hibernate after such a feast like bears do? But only perhaps and I wonder what do I know of maggots? Did I study science? 

Did he? I search for his name and find it: Eal Ma. This is as much as I can make of it, his captain’s uniform is drenched in his blood and it is crusty, sticking to my fingers as I search through him. I remember my friend from school, memories and old feelings coming back as my mind comes across new information, seeing more of the battleground on his body and it sifts through my memories and points out the connections between my old partner in crime and the body in front of me. I think this guy stole my prom date or he stole something from me but I don’t remember old anger, maybe we were just close enough for it not to matter or distanced enough for the pain to have faded without a scar. Simple connections are easier to handle.  

I don’t remember too well. My name is a word on my uniform, not a familiar notion. But I don’t care now, because under his left shoe, over his sock is a girl’s bracelet worn around the ankle. The skin around his ankle is still soft and soft skin makes me think of Tara. My mind skips ahead purposefully. I’m sure its called something similar but anklet doesn’t seem English. That can’t be right, right, Mister? you look back at your friend, but he doesn’t seem familiar... as far as you are aware you never made friends with a burnt corpse before.. now. hahaha life is good for some things. I get up off Mister, nod hastily in his direction, a parody of respect and move on. Thank you, friend. I wish I had you still now, I wish I could have helped you, I wish I wasn’t alone to face this battlefield by myself, to drag along with me this morbid collection of memories, sharing my burden lightening it but why did you have to fight on the other side? Strange. 

I don’t have answers. but I am a soldier, I don’t need to. I remember my promises. I will bring back the bag of memories and give it to the families. and that means I will have gone home again and my parents greeted me and put me back in bed after some hot food and I can close my eyes finally and drop vigil. and sleep and who knows after that. But for now, I spot my next friend and robotically, I hoist my sack more closely over my shoulder and I make my steady way to the next rung of the deep abyss.  

[sailorursula-blog-blog-blog]

my grandfather is such an asshole