#hagsooo23

[jiessicas]

09.03.23 i am trying very hard to practice believing in the necessity of being me

(this week~ clocking in to my 12-8a, sometimes 1-9a, sometimes…… 🙈 & my 7p chia pudding… becoming through clockwork)

[jiessicas]

two renditions of my feelings about satellites and songs i like and being in/out of times/orbits (left, from august; right, from june; snippets written across winter 2022 - spring 2023)

[jiessicas]

from the "slice of earth" workshop that fi & lil put on (08.18.23)

[jiessicas]

june/july 2023 instagram story text-image collages 🪼🪼

[jiessicas]

07.24.23 - 07.30.23

louise gluck: At the end of my suffering, there was a door

marcelo hernandez castillo: The lamps that wait inside me say come, the gift is the practice, the price is the door.

poets are such sweetly, necessarily, strategically useless beings; i like glancing at the menu even if i get an iced oat latte each time, the gesture of considering the other possibilities even if i may chose the same thing.

the spring that i unfolded back into its narration. i slipped in through the twist, look here, a mirror where i disappear.

me at grace cathedral: At the center of the labyrinth, there was a flower

??????????? ok wow this week was so intense but for the purposes of keeping up with some kind of update i'm uploading this lolol

things feel so full, and i feel myself really moved by each things that happened this week

i don't entirely know how i feel about all these things except that i'm wanting to pause to try to process all of these things - at the moment they feel like bits and pieces of images and feeling that each matter to me in different ways but i don't really know how they connect to one another (maybe they don't because time doesn't have to be teleological and it's fine) (i will note here i've been falling asleep on the couch most days...)

07.30.23 (sun)

pensive this morning but also happy cried - "i'm really happy you're in my life and through means that are of both of our accords / wishes" <3

picked up some pretty chairs (green, blue) from someone emptying their apartment near alamo square park

sat at automat for a lil w f & l then went to j's

saw t for the first time in a long moment and met v, set to a backdrop of jazz in a backyard, everyone was so familiar and comfortable w one another and it feels like a gift to get to step into a space like that

barted to east bay to catch a reading with marcelo hernandez castillo & ingrid rojas contreras that i'm still thinking about

late night shooting star cafe hangs with z, k, m 💭 many schemes underway

stayed up waaaay late w s, got crazy eyed because my working theory at the moment is that desire is at the core of Everything, it is Everywhere (My Obsessions Do Not Keep Me Up however i did stay up til 4 saying many many half sentences)

07.29.23 (sat)

so out of breath trying basketball this morning, "otherwise known as inequality ball" w v, d, s

"getting hit on and hit by a car - the two occupational hazards of running in san francisco"

getting crazy eyed talking about oppenheimer, as one does, it's funny to also remember that joyride is a piece of propaganda as well

wandered around destore, got hella sunburnt, etc

laid on j's couch to sift through all of my notes.....! from the last half year! j/me/s/n where sitting in different corners of the living room such that we saw each other through the frame of the window, or the bookshelf

carried a door home w s.. LOL

thai iced tea delivery to i

a devastating but necessary review of chen chen’s book, by angie sijun lou

07.28.23 (fri)

tab spacing has entered the chat... reading my own poems and wanting to hear the same cadences that i admire of others' poems

blick pickups; pier strolls with savory crepes; picked up "portrait of a ghost" to read on the pier for a little

theorizing interfaces with lil; "yeah my dad was a vc"

music and literature links ++ w f & c

powervixen afterwards; walked out at the end of the show to a misty lamplit stroll

07.27.23 (thurs)

spiraled w k at sfmoma….! don't even know where to begin here but fascinations w self help, sororities, appropriating vehicles towards others ends; turning over the model minority; bangh - speculative fictions, speculative instruments; native theories of mind +++++

undergrads from florida leaned over to tell us we should start that podcast we were talking about oh my gosh <3 it was so tender

we all went to a ksw reading and heard s read! z also came through, what a treat to sit in a room full of people at arc gallery

late night hangs w zzsskj hahaha at kowloon tong :) mango sagoooo +++

in a moment after the reading i thought, imagination and capacity are at stake

recognizing the mechanics of careerism, hope i can appropriate the structured choreography up until the point i dream of improv, remembering once again none of us are mere mechanism

07.26.23 (wed)

finished megan fernandes' "i do everything i'm told" -- "pound and brodsky in venice"; "phoenix"; "may to december"; "love poem"

re/read a.r. ammons' "modes against too much"

shuffled around my poetry books, and marveling at the books that have changed me, the poems in january of this year that have changed me & essays on poetry, like those in mary ruefle's "madness, rack, and honey," and "a poem as a machine?" by margaret rhee

texting lil plans for the thurs/fri/sat weekend! I Am A Social Creature

hung out at bpt and heard about a "political fellowship" started by a local entrepreneur / "you can tell irish people in new york because they're the ones just looking up and around" / bay area things: moving into an apartment complex and grilling together

suddenly blurting out: i don't want to do something stupid / there are plenty of things that are not stupid, like working at a bank, though they may be dry / i think i can stand drudgery, i can’t stand an apparatus that is doing something stupid

[redacted] is [redacted2]

stone fruit

07.25.23 (tues)

thinking about how experimental stories teach the reader how to read them as the story progresses, finds the form as it unfolds; wonder what it means to teach one another how to "read" or care for or love you as you begin to relate to one another

ran into s at the cafe, where i went to send a lil letter about rent raises (if you live in a rent-controlled unit in sf, check if your landlord has a license to raise your rent), thinking about butterflies and our friend whose name means butterfly

looping newjeans until it’s not longer possible to

read a bit of megan fernandes' "i do everything i'm told"

being a mild hater about [redacted] to c, who really liked it; appreciated the generosity of that convo which felt like an active practice in meeting someone in-our-differences (which has a slightly different feeling from Both Sidesism)

starting? continuing? what feels like a weird daunting process of decluttering; unearthed some corners of my room that may not have seen the light of day since i moved in ("i feel like i've been moving in for the last two years" between my own disorganization and rotating housemates) ~ it's finite but it's so long

i rotated my desk so that my back is to the wall, and cleared some floor space shuffling things into piles and filing away paraphernalia, and felt like i finally had a tenable workspace in my room (i'm going to look back on this whole house business and laugh at how deranged this all is...... but i'm currently In It)

sitting with the mild feeling of "i am drowning in books, i think" followed up with "i want to spend as much of my time catching up on them"

thinking about thich nhat hanh again and washing dishes; how ocean vuong said, "i spend more time washing dishes than i do writing poetry"

by eve i felt a natural close to the day, which i don't often feel -- it possible to do the little bits of work (breaking down boxes), however futile they feel, it feels like those little bits are, in that present, what is to be done (the usual worry about if i should be doing something else fades away, for a moment)

wellbutrin is working great <3 one step at a time

07.24.23 (mon) brain brrr like an overheating laptop fan; probiotics & pals

thinking about times people learn to drive from figures other than their parents, which for some reason makes me think of propagating plants; a propagation of drivers (l&f going to practice driving with f's sib!)

beginning living, or something which is to say, taking out the kitchen trash recycling compost, bathroom trash at the beginning of the week; sweeping up the fallen succulent; going mildly catatonic Thinking on the couch before managing to move to the bed to do the same

read alice sola kim's "now wait for this week" and in awe

a migraine set in (me, experiencing migraine & nausea - is my life falling apart / am i having an emotional breakdown)

my brain went brrr like an overheating laptop fan and then at the end of the day it was eased a bit with a voice hugs podcast / shuffling around my room to clean it / pickled goodies and probiotic drinks and a lil circle around the fire (coffee table candle) very thankful for my housemates ❤️‍🩹

[jiessicas]

07.12.23 when i$ it enough?

got the rare 10 hours of sleep in a night;;;;;; body rly needed it

⭐ bb mag is gonna be at litcrawl! <3

📅 this week i’ve been trying to make an effort to calendar in everything that i see/want to attend as i see them so i don’t have to scramble to regather them -- i hope it pans out ok! so many parallel worlds i care for and hope i can be present for/participate in -- it feels like my calendar is my compass as of late

🤧 queasy, hunkered in my room, shuffled papers around; hope it can be a place where i can work more consistently (it is quite small/cramped, so often i work outside of it); grateful for abalone porridge; gimbap; my emotional support korean grocery store (that is also the perfect walk away)

from @/woffsilog on insta: “you are here awake and alive” / “here i am what were you other two wishes”

how does someone know when it is enough? when to stop one thing in order to be able to start another? 

kundera passed, wishing i could reach for my copy of the art of the novel if i knew where it was; thinking of all the gems of his that have shaped this foray into fiction

thinking about 3d printing a hallow pigeon in an attempt to make a DIY pigeon clutch

took a quick half hour to take out the trash / cardboard boxes, handwashing dishes, thinking about thich that hanh/the fullness of time 

2nd chat w financial advisor (who is awesome, holistic, and i’d love to introduce you to if you’re looking for one); flashing back to not being even 20 and having the faintest notion of compounding interest, the want to be okay into the future / time as one of the most precious resources young people have;

in the past, there were so many ways money was a medium of control/anxiety (which i primarily saw within my family); in the recent present, a deep sense of okayness nourished by communal care / webs of support, a deep sense of reassurance that i have what i need and then some, that most of my material needs are cared for, the vague sense of worry i feel about the more distant future

grateful for my relative financial okay-ness which is to say great comparative luck (minimal debt, savings, and then some)

it feels contrived to continue to bring it up but i want to remind myself that being even adjacent to tech affords a kind of fluidity/autonomy that i don’t want to take for granted / financial sustainability is often so top of mind for folks figuring out their creative practices and i wanna be open about how that has been for me so far (which is, luckily stumble into an industry with some nicely paying internships + low-cost housing + a generous undergrad scholarship + relative health of myself & of family)

want to spend time looking at https://thehellyeahgroup.com/ and https://www.ridefreefearlessmoney.com/ (via x) to be more candid about this

wanna message rb about ursula k le guin (just got a poetry book in sonoma); looking forward to b4b3l4b / prose n pals; feel like there is a whole world that i’m looking forward to meeting, did not know i could be one of those people with schedules packed with thigns i’m looking forward to 

“are you on the welly” “not even on the welly” brain was buzzing with some zingers; remembering the joy of the past weekend! (so much more to say there, gloriously fluffy dandelions and lavender, a lovely bookshop, +++)

idyllwild planning in prog --!! 10 person tent arrived !!!

[jiessicas]

07.11.23 pronounced like “miffy” 🐇 / “return to seoul” 🎞️

“Art that is generous, critical, and radical — that’s what I call the ‘Bay way.’”  -- saw that a show i’m participating in is on this hyperallergic roundup :’o

sniffly, coughy, tired ++!!

mifepristone is pronounced like <3 “miffy” <3

was a comfort / delight to dwell in the world of “return to seoul” for two hours; watching someone move toward the things she wants despite the conscious rejection of them, the move between control and the loss of it (and so much more)

other comforts - braised ribs that e made, nutmeg milk that s made, rice cake, walking around the grocery store, sitting on the bus, sitting quietly with others (which movies so generously afford... <3) (though the group consensus seemed to be “movies are like a 5th date kind of date” after someone shared they watched “amadeus” on a first date)

wandered over to hospital, got Scanned and Tested and it was such a relief to finally have a more consistent healthcare touchpoint that isn’t a drop-in clinic (though i am glad to have been)

someone working there was telling me how they were looking forward to trying to transfer to la / wanted to go visit their home in ? italy ? as he was drawing my blood lol

there was a beautiful enclosed garden on the first floor, though it locked from the inside; someone had to open the door for us to leave

sat in a nondescript starbucks afterward and just kinda stared outside / shuffled more little bullet points around,,,, building digital shelving..... want there to be space for all the things that feel important (events, submissions, applications)

wandered to the library and felt like a lil kid loitering there before picking up snacks/groceries from a korean grocery store; 22′d + J’d to the mission (i hadn’t traveled directly between the fillmore and the mission, it was a nice route)

watched “return to seoul” with e, a, a (whose names rhyme/repeat!!) ~ e also made braised ribs that were dreamy.. many notes/thoughts that we debriefed on - a very cool character study, playing with time, diaspora identity x adoptee feelings ~ poked m about stuff about symmetries/callbacks/renderings that feel true vs feel contrived, the inevitable comparison with “past lives”; tracking how the camera tracks the protagonist’s face through the whole thing 

happy 7/11 day also RIP to not being able to get slurpees today....attempted to get some with s/f/l ...we tried! 

reflecting the ride back how healthcare systems are the most difficult to navigate during the time that care is needed the most from a comment l made

in prog studio space that s/f/l set up ++ got supplies from lowes for.... dreamy..!

[jiessicas]

07.09.23 & 07.10.23 OOO ⛺🌳🌊

camping is so cool. i want to go back! it was my second time (the last time was 2016 in northern idaho); it feels like a deeply american thing to want to go out into a designated patch of land to live off of as a recreational activity and…. i get the appeal though i hope that the practice can be parlayed into something more communal/integrated into my life in a city (the fantasy of having a tidy, self contained existence…. as a kid i liked how turtles had their homes seemingly wherever they went)

i think about someone who said, only white poets write about animals, and nature (and i get the sentiment), and at the same time, i think i want to build my connection to the natural world, which i never really thought of as a place for me to feel a connection to / to linger within growing up

we traveled through so many climates / terrains, all in one day (huge shout out l, the mvp) — california is incredible and i’m convinced the american dream is to have a little plot and a little chair to sit in the sun within (and maybe a driver’s license and an open road— i just got a reminder to renew mine, though i haven’t used it in the four years i’ve had it)

feel so scattered but maybe that's the whole point; so many new things to take in/process (as is always the case, it seems); so many conversations i'm grateful for this weekend

07.09.23

pretty winged things in your area (encountering beautifly among others on pokemon go)

found another lil grounding tether (signed up for a generative spec fic class in august)

The Week I Had Three Açaí Bowls, The Third Of Which I Regurgitated Into A Trashbag On A Road-trip To Petaluma

hot girls (me) drink like 3 liquids simultaneously (pocari sweat; ginger tea; ?sodium? water) when their stomach isn't cooperating; more being humbled by my body; was a lil more sensitive to car sickness than usual

saw a plushie of three peas in a pod on someone's dashboard

drove through the windows xp hills

gathered treats & supplies at target/tj/sports basement

there was someone at sports basement who set us off with a "have a great camping trip" who had randall park vibes -- it was sweet, and built up this feeling for me of like, living out a second adolescence to do the camping i wasn't really interested in growing up

got to the campsite ~7p; spent the whole time figuring out how to put one (1) stake in the ground while s figured out the rest... "they're like origami shelters" - l

gathering around fires; there was prechopped wood lying around, watching the moss burn was trippy

subsisted (contently) off of baby yogurt pouches and hot dogs/brioche

around the campfire, talked about ghost stories / familial histories; roasted hot dogs; toasted some bread, listened to the frogs ribbit; brushed some earwigs off of our stuff; went to sleep with the cover off to look at the sky

07.10.23

woke up, wandered around, saw some deer crossing the creek by the visitors' center from a couple dozen feet away; we just looked at each other for a while; there seemed to be groups of parents and their fawns? the smallest ones looked like really jumpy puppies when they skittered across

our campsite felt like a cute pop-up small town; there were two kids on a bike, going in circles around the campgrounds, everyone was set up and lounging, almost as if we each had a front porch facing into a shared circle/meadow

we went on a small hike, saw lizards pumping their arms and basking in the sun, really tall dandelions, a tiny observatory that also laid out a hiking trail with the solar system scaled down to their trails; a community science center

microdosing small town america...dropped off our gear and meandered to a town f grew up in, first stopping by a bagel shop they would walk to after school, then ambling through the downtown, where i bought a few poetry books, and then some; it was really sweet to find a book that anthologized poets from the region; it was really special to get to read it on the drive back

in the downtown, there were also especially tall lavender plants and honeybees; we stopped into a shop that sold fossils?! and meteorites?! working theory is that this place is asteroid city in disguise....

walking around a bakery/community garden, i couldn't help but think about how the things we consider utopic often are concerned with just having like, enough to be comfortable -- why can't there be community gardens and green spaces that everyone has access to?

we also stopped by a grocery store to buy stone fruit, pet a cute dog in a bandana, take some funny wes anderson-y pictures; tomales bay for oysters; various scenic lookouts along the pch

++ a really nice conversation with questions prompted by s: what would make sense only for this summer? for these six weeks? what makes it go well? what kinds of installation pieces? what kinds of group projects?

[jiessicas]

07.08.23 a pre/daydreaming day

how to say imminence / how to say transcendence / how to say hegemony

feeling like i am looking for new ways to be brave

sat at a cafe to zone out into space and then sat at the park to zone out into space more -- hadn't given myself that much empty space before, but so so nice for percolating some latent dreams

the light & coffee & wellbutrin all hit before i ate and the light through a japanese maple tree in my neighborhood seemed so bright!

after convos with coach & advisor, feeling jazzed to do / also feel like there's more space than ever to do a lil more meta planning -- to do all the concretizing that i'm craving after so much time gathering

i am so untethered at the moment ~ i can do more material sorting/cleaning, i can write/return to an aggressive apply to stuff cycle

me every day: I Will Write A Todo List That Is So All Encompassing... It Will Be The Mother Of All Lists.... Lists Are The Site Of Desiderata (Desires & Needs, Often Both)

i think what follows this is a desire to recommit to what would otherwise be passing daydreams that i circle back to but don't give myself the time to remain with; committing to realizing my sense of possibility, imagination

a dream for this summer: openhearted curiosity in the fullness of time // making way for experiencing the fullness of time (aka how do i gracefully work through anxiety so that i can remain present whenever possible? :'') tbd)

a lot of miscellaneous lists here, in the rest of the cut:

looking for earplugs at cvs, they were mostly out: someone who worked there said they're likely bought out by swimmers, musicians, ravers, which i thought was funny (also, frequent fliers/people traveling into high elevation)

running into neighborhood regulars over the weekend is nice; it's nice to know the circles we run in overlap in different ways; walked m's dog for a brief moment and thought about how i've heard my parents liken raising a puppy to raising a daughter

a loose gathering of pre-daydreams that i wrote out

a workspace that i can sprawl out and work in, which follows figuring out how to file papers so they remain accessible while taking up less space

a regular skincare routine (lol)

a cozy place to sprawl in my room

an easy way to collect, survey, plan/schedule events (lol calendars!! always on the brain)

i feel like i'm often fantasizing about having a Perfect Week, which mostly means a week where i feel 1) joyfully present *and* 2) for the joyful present to be meaningfully connected to a sustainable future

a weekly ritual around reflecting/assessing/adjusting at the end of the week [in retrospect these bullet points feel like anxiety mitigation]

i wanna meet more QTBIPOC collectives / wanna spend more time in the east bay

when someone's like, if you had no barriers or enough money to do what you want? i feel dizzy ~~~ it feels like asking, how do i move without gravity? without the constraints of the systems i'm moving within?

i think what follows this is a desire to recommit to what would otherwise be passing daydreams that i circle back to but don't give myself the time to remain with; committing to realizing my sense of possibility, imagination

openhearted curiosity in the fullness of time // making way for experiencing the fullness of time (aka how do i mitigate an undercurrent of anxiety so that i can remain present whenever possible? :'') tbd)

some vibes/incomplete notes

food, electronics, code projects, hosting events

drafting/working on stories/essays, untangling what has began growing

to be a dilettante; farming, textiles/weaving, dance, volunteering/organizing (curious about work in wealth distribution, radical science), dance x music, improv dance classes

figuring out a social media *practice* that i put attention without compulsion into, and ask others of their attention without compulsion in turn

tools to gesture at/with/alongside, to hold others; long distance incubator

practices/misc projects

time devices

fucked up foods w friends

chairs of sf

house.... waking(warming)

tracking what i read (books, other media)

submitting/editing stories

kernel magazine

? subtle asian dating ?

building up a music library, mixing live with/for others

submission calls that maybe can be timelines to work around

hanging out at maker spaces (thank you thank you j, z)

live work space set up

playground tarot

pokemon go filter

lil zines

soft smart home

student driver

etc etc

food processes (boiling, pickling, frying, microwaving) at units of time to build rituals around

3d modeling, watch, time interfaces

far out dreams that may or may not come to be

a [redacted] collection

reviewing new books by people i admire

what makes me a lil anxious? - in writing these out, some of these are specific examples of a more abstract/base worry

fair warning the list in a bit crazymaking to read, feel free to skip over this; i wanted to name these to better notice when i feel them and to pause without getting paralyzed---

running out of time, space; generally not having enough, feeling trapped / scarcity mindset of my own making

regretting not doing something (long term fomo); feeling like i've failed to plan for the future by feeling caught off guard by it, or unable to respond to it

having multiple projects i care about, worrying about falling through on doing them well (performance x social anxiety...!) not doing something well enough / not knowing enough

missing out / squandering / wasting

lacking self awareness, inadvertently causing hurt/harm to someone without realizing it

feeling trapped, useless, futile, not getting something hoped for/expected; not being able to understand something

being disorganized, feeling inundated

forgetting things that are important

starting my day @ home, not feeling able to think sometimes

maybe? being disliked? unsure

feeling like i should be somewhere but feeling resistance to that obligation (not wanting to leave somewhere / not wanting to go somewhere)

wanting, not wanting; knowing what i want; not knowing what i want

[jiessicas]

07.07.23 field trip notes

nice day <3 thankful for pretty lights and health insurance (more notes below)

notes on light

light at mcad - michelle yi martin's petaled cosmos" - woven lighting gels with light cast through, which is then photographed, then printed onto layered silks

took the muni to the new station in chinatown; the light indoors/underground felt like natural daytime light, maybe in thanks to the mirrored ceiling

golden hour along california street; a place i & i meandered along some day during spring 2019

thinking about my dad (nam june paik) at the ambient rave with projects cast throughout the entire depth of the cathedral

most memorable part of seeing the sutro tower installation was walking on the uphill road in the dark, listening to the trees swaying through the wind, seeing their silhouettes cast against the glow of tower

misc wants/wonders

noticed the mentioning by z of the experience as transcendent/otherworldly; i wonder what it would be like to keep my gaze upon something steady, with a belief, an insistence that this could exist in this world, as much as it is possible to do so

broadened imaginations; people who help challenge/broaden that imagination

wanting for myself and others: a sense of deep okayness and a zest for life and intention and surprise

field trip!

field trip day at the dogpatch ~ we went to mcad, the exhibit was about crafting a life in the bay area was an artist, one of the pieces made me wanna carry around pencils to draw again; at their maker station, i lined my notebook with butterfly fabrics, and taped a silvery paper onto random pages

picked up "design by time," a survey of projects that focus/collaborate with time >:)

light at mcad - michelle yi martin's petaled cosmos" - woven lighting gels with light cast through, which is then photographed, then printed onto layered silks

took the muni to the new station in chinatown; the light indoors/underground felt like natural daytime light, maybe in thanks to the mirrored ceiling

wandered around a large walgreens; saw skincare products staged with furniture in a very ikea type way

went to an ambient rave at grace cathedral

scooted to sutro tower and got to stand amid many a powerful laser & many a camera pro/enthusiast (thank you v)

most memorable was the walk up to the tower in the dark, listening to the trees swaying through the wind, seeing their silhouettes cast against the tower

additional notes

putting faces to names for mag was sweet! a lil writer/editor meet n greet <3 "in 10 years when we're like [redacted]"

venkatesh rao's "cafes & grand narratives" post was wild

small world; running into a at the ambient set, met z, c at sutro and of course we have mutual friends, small world when we took a shared car to our respective homes that made a neat route between sutro and v's spot

everyone laid down at some point to look up at the lasers; it was funny to see people responding to it in a way that they would an ambient set (which is where i was coming from before sutro)

health note

a relief, light at the end of the convoluted bureaucratic tunnel ....!!! i feel so insanely grateful to have access to a solid hospital through insurance

and yet the process of scheduling felt kafkaesque because multiple (3-4 times) attempts to talk to a person were autohangups; i got routed between three different departments, and when i was with the right department they thought i was looking for something different

[jiessicas]

07.06.23 making maps

in the face of helplessness/panic, noticing the thoughts/feels/actions -> how do my fears sorrows reflect what i want? how do they illuminate some border i didn’t realize was there?

started the day mildly panicked, talked myself through them in morning prompts, almost like i needed a lil narrative to get unstuck

not knowing the paths ahead gives me anxiety; making myself maps feels like a way to anchor / fight the feeling of helplessness

life infra [gonna be me mildly anxiety blogging until i feel properly held by structure that i'm gonna have to make by myself and with others]

today felt like another life infra day (drs appointments, finances)

first time chat with a holistic financial planner who works with underserved groups; it was really nice to talk through short / medium / long term goals

-> to dream about a decade out from now (kids? homes? careers? i can barely fathom life 10 years out from now but appreciated someone nudging me to do that anyway) (i feel i can only think about months at a time)

looking for specialist healthcare and navigating insurance is so confusing & laden with discourage from past failed attempts to, but really thankful for how many online resources there are to navigate this, ready to stay on the phone with bureaucracy for as long as needed

the joys and horrors of inhabiting a corporeal existence

because of some health stuff, my body has been feeling real weird as of late; trying to be gentle with it and not additionally hard on myself for feeling different

resuscitated by chicken porridge i want to learn how to make at home; a friend’s black bean quinoa tacos; two kinds of matcha lattes from two fine establishments (stonemill; maiko)

HAGS! <3

friday field trip and sunday camping incoming :,,,,)

appreciative of converse ways of planning / thinking - starting at the individual vs starting at the group in terms of hopes for this time; starting with the structure of the day vs starting with the discrete things wished to be done!!! dualities of man~

dispatches from s from nyc <3 Against the Tyranny of Shippers (& a Sideeye At Javascript)

all different entry points, but entry points nonetheless!

The Internet(tm)

my main feeling is that everyone has so many things to say all the time and it’s incredible and terrifying and overwhelming but so cool (me, flipping between bluesky, threads, twitter on safari)

k texted me asking about threads v bluesky; it looks like something like 1/3 or 1/4 of people in the us are on meta vs like 1/100 on twitter (ie twitter users are just built different)

nice details to remember

a cruise car named ube; a new candle that crackles with the might of a fireplace; a section of a bookshelf curated after recommendations from a friend; the casual thursday night dates playing out at the social study

l got everyone back onto pokemon go & we're all on tumblr..... it's 2016 and it's time to pokemon go to the polls babyyyy

walk w s through the fillmore talking about the want to be understood and to understand as love languages ~ how that propelled early childhood compulsions to externalize it in writing (like w f and i), or internalize it and alchemize it in other ways!

the opening to "fight" by brockhampton feels urgent and deliberate; it makes me feel like there is some kind of arena to be entered, some hat to be thrown into the ring, some new kids on the block to be stomping around

to linger longer

reveries/dreams

“how am i gonna try today?”

so what are you writing about? you and me both, pal — feel like there's a lot generated, started from the last year, pondering how i can hold onto a thread for a bit longer to work on for a sustained period of time

thinking about dogs & daughters (as it seems like i've been since 2019, according to my notes app search results) ~ thinking about the unfettered sweetness of puppy love

thinking about cleaning tidying decluttering in a song dong / jen craig’s “wall” kinda way

similarly enjoying slowly gathering similar books (currently, book recs from someone whose taste in books i respect/admire, another shelf dedicated to books on art/practice/making)

feeling myself dreaming again, at the end of the day <3 feeling project themes for this summer percolating... feeling like what is ahead is but a wide expanse, with few things in my way (have been reaching for this feeling for so, so long)

when i say i have that dog in me, this is what i mean

[jiessicas]

Daily questions I’m trying out

General Qs for flow + intuition

Do I trust my intuition, and when I stretch outside of it?

Do I trust I have enough time?

Do I trust I will be able to find/receive and adapt to feedback?

If no to any of the above — is there anything I can do to give myself that space to be?

Start of day —

3 item checklist (a small list of stuff you can get done)

How am I going to try today?

(Repeated) What will I continue today? What am I leaving behind? What am I picking up? Doing differently?

What’s my entry into today?

What am I daydreaming about / what’s in the periphery / not in my 3 item checklist, but things I want to attend to if I have time today or another day?

End of day —

What did I say I was going to do today, and what did I do?

What am I learning from that gap

(this is a neutral Q! Sometimes its really generative to veer away from the todo list, even the veering away is a meaningful learning)

Moments I wanna remember to tell a future self or a friend about?

What was I moved by? How did I find peace/grounding/joy? What was the small commitment I made today to practices and projects?

(Repeated) What do I want to try tomorrow? What will I set aside, continue, and pick up? How will I begin tomorrow?

[jiessicas]

07.05.23 boredom is a gift / a sufficient amount of emojis

boredom is a gift / thich nhat hanh said true joy is rooted in calm

the love of working & the work of loving

infrastructure bro….. (why has it felt like i’m emerging from something (tabs) (twitter) i didn’t realize i was submerged within to begin with,, ) — a jot from last fall, “the constraint is a disclosure of commitment and possibility” — new constraints, new commitments, new possibilities ✨

breakfast w fwends!

Shared Realities are crazy … was latently anxious; after a lil planning breakfast it felt like i was once again holding shared dreams and schemes with others, not just adrift trying to juggle things by myself <3

with enough emojis any text/word-based app is a sufficient project management document

saw a very Cat cat if you know what i mean.... a real squealy lil guy, in one of those backpack carriers; then saw someone carrying a tiny dachshund in a shoulder bag

reshaping my internet browsing!

arc is LIFECHANGING oh my god — feel freed up from all the failed attempts to shuffle tabs around and feel freed to play online, which i have missed the feeling of :,,) i feel like it has restructured the frame i browse and hold the internet with

scrolled through the tumblr i wrote on for 10+ years, it was very tender, it feels tender to return to this form of writing

following up from yesterday's note on twitter - feeling freed up to recenter friend's writing now that i'm slightly more out of the easy pull of the newsfeed!!

trying to be an rss girly ~ from a quick peruse of this post, trying out feeder (200 feeds free; newsblur and inoreader look great too)

if you'd like to add this to your feed, 'jiessicas.tumblr.com/rss' :-)

small tumblr notes - added a lil statcounter.com & disqus comment thread (it was showing up on the index (?) view because of how this theme is set up, fiddled a lil and moved the disqus block into the permalink block)

misc

bro can’t believe i’m listening to drake again unironically

sometimes i find myself feeling so bored that i check my email ~ it feels like (to keep with the phantom limb feeling) some core of an experience i’ve grown used to has been hallowed out; i’ve been uncentered and hallowed out

tidying just the immense amount of Things in my room (books, letters, notebooks, misc pamphlets from art spaces and museums 😭😭😭😭) and relieved to unscatter things (sort stuff into piles so i can properly discard / reorganize loool)

can’t believe facebook releases a twitter clone the week i try to quit twitter mobile,,,, there was this time i handed a dj my phone to type in a track name and it opened to my most recent notes app at the time …. this is how i imagine posting in a twitter-like setting for a group of people i know outside of twitter will feel like

[jiessicas]

07.04.23 man.... cute blog gorl summer

day 2 of having twitter offloaded from my phone and i keep accidentally tapping the icon and reinstalling it. thinking good, pro-tumblr thoughts (frank ocean’s tumblr presence frank ocean’s tumblr presence……)

it is wild how apparent the mental space left behind is when i can’t scroll on twitter on my phone ~ it feels like i’m missing a phantom limb

moved all my tabs into arc (thanku fi!!) and feeling like a whole new person (why have i been wringing my hands over my tabs for a week now)

set up mooncasted.work/blog i hope it’s a cute bloggy summer :)

sat amid some reverberating burning man cats to eat lunch; odd but pleasant to see a usually busy place so peaceful

for a myriad of other reasons i’m feeling adrift which has been mostly pleasant but as of late i’ve been feeling anxious about

i’ve been sick with a cold and not sleeping well, navigating some lightly disappointing news & facing down a big decision i already know the answer to, though the question unnerves me anyway

lil drove us to sfo to drop selina off; it felt like sending a friend off to summer camp! we were level with the fireworks on certain parts of the freeway and could look sideways instead of upwards to watch the fireworks

balanced meals (loaded tater tots / animal fries)

many things as of late - odd awkward unusual and still pleasant

[jiessicas]

07.17.23 -- 07.23.23

07.23.23 (sun) picnic @ little farm

picnic at little farm, the ride there and back with s&s <3

cannot escape cliche / that day is not this year

dreaming of small glowing object timer 

i think i better understand hinging and unhinging / realities are malleable etc etc 

i’m told i bring good vibes to the function

mathematical transformations; the object of study didn’t change but what you noticed did; was that a transformation or did you find a new point of entry?

gods favorite (kiosk order #1 at matcha cafe maiko, japantown edition)

looking for a new social media (listening to podcasts again)

learned of diplomatic immunity

07.22.23 (sat) japanese tea garden; prose & pals; n's bday <3

new newjeans ep in the car! i want to hear "super shy" in the club

remaining soft is how i get here / remaining flinty is how i preserve my softness, my ability to get there 

learned that the casio is the "terrorist watch"

i turned the corner and there you were; an altar, an arrow, a shrine in real-time, a monument for today;

remaining soft is how i get here; remaining flinty is how i preserve my softness, my ability to continue to get there

i am so happy for friends who are happier / so much i want to talk to p about

celebrating n's bday! he said "the future is short" and i felt the room tilt for a moment (and change color, as the lamps were set to due on a timed basis hehe)

07.21.23 (fri) picking poetry books; shuggie's

strategic scatterings, diligent dilettantes

trip to dogeared; saw a tiny puppy right next to a tiny baby in the bookstore

thinking about aunthood (buying a tiny bucket hat and the sundae school puppy fleece for someone else's dog)

the green light at shuggie's trash pies reminds me of the green in "all about lily chou chou"

asking people often "how did you feel about that" in part because of the lil kid in me that had to monitor the feelings of adults around me, but also because it seems really good for encouraging pause/listening to oneself in times we don't always remember to pause for

"we sound like war veterans"

07.20.23 (th) "all about lily chou chou" / jialing @ ugsf

athleisure (appropriating tennis aesthetics to sit in the sun outside to read "greek lessons")

knew today was the day to resume wellbutrin when i watched a video of a puppy eating an ice cream cone and felt compelled to eat an ice cream cone, just like that puppy

sometimes being dysregulated is so nice yknow 

i’m just trying to live my american dream (eat a little edamame potato croquette w chili crisp and wash it down with some ito en black milk tea in peace)

A Grand Unified Theory Of Dog/Daughterhood, Being Baby, But Also An Older Sister, Probably, Also, “I Bet On Losing Dogs” (2016) 

knew today was the day to resume wellbutrin when i watched a video of a puppy eating an ice cream cone and felt compelled to eat an ice cream cone, just like that puppy -- ie, going through a moment in which i see any pup and think "it seems like it would be nice to be you" (it's There Are More Dogs Than Children In San Francisco x I'm Baby syndrome)

thinking tenderly of student journalism in light of the student journalist who got someone to resign over their reporting

watched "all about lily chou chou" my god

saw jialing at undergroundsf, what a treat! i bring a sort of nonverbal athleisurely vibe to the club that my brain cells thank me for when i get home at the end of the night 

07.19.23 (w) ucsf visit; japantown loitering

times i feel like a surrogate or stand in / times i feel nonfungible 

thinking of my parents as poets; not redemption but remembrance; not transcendence but immanence 

finished reading mckenzie wark's "raving"

felt flowers in the vase

called c; thinking about different kinds of love; the loves that help me stay grounded in the present and the loves that help me embrace the future as it arrives. a kind of love wherein i learn the joy is rooted in peace, in building together; pleasure, a necessity, and one i want to nourish me

with c, I talked about feeling useless in contexts, feeling powerful when I am with people, feeling out power, not for anyone’s use but our own; he talks about feeling useless in one context, getting better so as to be useful in a diff context; feels like we are on opposite sides of the same plane;

there’s a mole on the back of my left ear, he says; we say i love you through subtitles when i'm on the bus; this call and the day before makes me miss him very very much

pop pop pop ice cream… not in the Bible

"that’s either drama or a jess instagram post"

i admire moments of surface disagreement to recognize the shared root that could be grasped together; i haven’t transcended but i found immanence; i don’t believe in redemptive arcs but i do believe in remembrance

i am so grateful for ucsf; i sip on a little juice box; i am instructed to wiggle my toes to distract myself; got a photo of an ultrasound of my uterus (beautiful, perfect lol); i stand in front of the poetry plant tablets and cry a lil bit;

the joy/power i reach for is to stave off my existential dread

i walk along sutter in the sun and wander into a grocery store that has piroshki, potato salad, and i sit at their counter to eat

groceries from nijiya, noncommittally wander through daiso, pick up an eraser for lil and finally get pen refills / a pencil sharpener and eraser for myself

then i sit on a bench outside of marufuku ramen & Free Associate to k!!!! Gosh; so many thoughts about lorde and gordan in thanks to them

07.18.23 (tu) bart movie screening; tender media primers

read alina stefanescu's piece on abortion: "the author of the abortion is 'I': against redemptive forms and genres"

intimacy doesn't need a reason / gray area / learning i am most generative and feel most powerful when i am useless in through the lens of instrumentality

the craven desire to be an “intern” again; to be a puppy (cute and clueless; bark bark arf arf woof woof; etc)

essay texting with k; concern with people's imagination, the foreclosure of it; a human/political concern

how was today? media consumption day--

a primer for tenderness via n - "throw someone a pep rally" ask polly (hard work becomes joyful when we make a connection to the hidden abilities and talents inside us...making that connection to our buried abilities, our muted imaginations, and our blocked desires becomes easier when we recognize that every living being is filled with just as much potential as we are) -> think being a teaching artist would be incredible for this reason

the club is bumping // the ladies look good // the alcohol i flowing // there is much tenderness in the world, and in this room

angie kang's comic, "desire paths"

read "what it was like" by natasha rao sent to me via c

ran into v: joshua tree was a midpoint between phoenix and california; consulted on a drink choice and got a drink as the consultant fee B)

maybe i read it yesterday but today it feels present - “‘What happens to me next is inscribed without causation… I will be passing into myself’” - from angie sijun lou's story, motorcycle factory

i walked out the door listening to linda diaz's music; feeling like i had a lot of time in the world, which i did!

gifts for people - earplugs; felt flowers; the burrito that d held, that looked like a bouquet also

check out "tunnel vision: an unauthorized BART ride" !!

Process notes from chatting with s

Times we have had solid working relationships?

When do we know it’s enough - having a story to tell, something to collapse the theory into 

Time is clear in the thread, what about the meta thread?

07.17.23 (mon) two wolves; parmesan soup; gathering; generative babies; southwest

sean (short for parmesan) would be a beautiful name for a baby girl ~ l made parmesan soup, and we added chicken sausage to it for the ultimate pizza soupppp

gathering deadlines; (categories here)

two wolves - raver that wants to be lightly eviscerated outside by some groovy tunes; writer that wants to cocoon inside under a bunch of blankies w a notebook

rhys - i had two longings & one was fighting the other. i wanted to be loved & i wanted to be always lone

i wish to indulge a little less so i can be a little more diligent !! or i wanna be more diligent about my indulgence

in what ways do i feel ready? in what ways do i wanna be able to choose something not as an escape? i wanna write and document today, then clean at home, want a functional workspace, less excess

readings: sour heart jenny zhang; closet space kming chang; obit victoria chang; franny choi

my lil sis' first day of work! she sent some generations of her as a baby via some app which kinda looked like me as a baby...

generative baby with fucked up hands but she's cute

i generated some of my own and sent to c; dislocation, seeing hugging face stuff, poorly rendered artifice, poorly utilized hyperrepresentation (dating apps, egg donations grotesque in their own way)

what is the feeling of dislocation? seeing yourself outside of yourself, any kind of familiarity that is defamiliarized is a dislocation, somthing you don't know how to place yet; the injury, when something is moved out of its usual or expected location

sat in the sun to journal

found a cool utility dress at o+f that makes me wanna sew

curled up in a corner at the commons to calendar; felt like calendar was in a good place in thanks to the franticness of last week // met v in passing who made me think of the southwest

technologies for the psyche, vs technologies for the ego

the fun of telling two people about one another

listened to music for 18 musicians

i’ve slept 7 + hours every day since wednesday and i’m reconfigured

i feel like i am on some hamster wheel hmm / or i feel scattered; it’s not bad i am just like “hm what shall propel me / what shall i propel myself with now”

from James Turrell - “Science strives for answers, but art is happy with a good question.”

i want to work on computation that brings us closer to our bodies / technologies that get us closer to our selves

Affirmations: My Obsessions Nourish Me . They Do Not Destroy Me 💯💯

Affirmations: I Refrain From Losing Sleep Over My Obsessions (happy to report a week straight of sleeping ? 7+ hours ? i truly cannot recount the last time i did that was)

why did this just flip a switch in my brain

every person is a puzzle i guess; "If you ask too many why's you end up like 250k years in the past at the dawn of man"

there’s a meme where people are now like “not in the [reference text]” and ap styleguide is hilarious /// In Praise Of An Expansive Usage of “Situationship”: A Treatise

times i used notes app as twitter before i caved in to use twitter as twitter

RIP Dead Inside, Who Once Walked Into The Club (He's Not Dead Dead He's Just Lightly Immobilized From Dancing) ~ can still barely walk from dancing

return window passed and check's already cashed 

[jiessicas]

07.13.23 - 07.16.23 japantown, poem & dance, & the circus, & more dance

07.16.23 (sun) afterglow; work hangout; missing sf art bookfair

 overslept and just listened to music from last night, which was very nice n leisurely

i was so worried this week but it was all good 😭😭 / grateful to live let live be alive 

marveling at the liveness of the last three days / how chronically late i am to everything

found the last piece of a lil puzzle and paced around in incredulity

went to j's to work on kernel mag, poems as machines, revisited

showed up to book fair after it closed ;-; an old coworker m recognized me from the back as he was crossing the street by my headphones, we talked about potentially moving to LA, their roommate search

met up with m who ran into c, who i met in passing at s's park hang a monthish ago; got coffee and then wine, a fun rotating seats convo about obsession, books, other things

took an uber home and the person driving said someone going to the grateful dead concert and left their phone in his car

exhausted but content; phone remains an object of obsession, swapped out twitter for instagram -- so content and so relieved to be done with some big things

himbo and baby are states of mind

grateful, feeling like i'm knitting myself together; series of miracles this week, feel like a more effective gatherer, calendarer; was late to it all, love arriving, hate leaving, saw so many friends in passing, feel turned inside out in a nice way

happy happy, feel relief coming home after being outside

body is happy humming, vibrating buzzing contently, wonder if i will look back on this and consider if i am being cruel in how much pleasure i have been having; i have felt more self-concerned than usual but also proud of what i got to do with/for others

thinking about what it is like to be the youngest child... ie what my sister who is the youngest of three feels like as the object of babying from parents... interesting to consider this a potential fantasy of an eldest child though its not one i've actively harbored

07.15.23 (sat) circus; dance & poetry; in the club before 11; machinedrum

a literal circus in the afternoon

a moment of gratitude for s & i sending me their art <3

toxic trait, being late to my own event; felt a shiver of delight in having friends (h, f, l, s, j!) come through

[so many incredible things that happened during the perforamnce]

cheeseboard; walking around berkeley at golden hour

got the sweetest clown prints from l :'')

yosemite fresh watermelons

sf symphony looks like a space ship

i love lil puzzles, turning things over idly, making peace with not having immediate answers

learning about writing groups, the little delight of realizing different artists i admire are connected with one another; of course; like the editor who told me years ago at a journalism conference in texas that people rise together in cohorts

in admiration of asian femmes who take on roles that are not easily afforded to them; noticing i have been misidentified as jasmine by so many white people,,,

dance is fascinating to me because of its wordlessness, conversely the dancers i'm working with wants to find mediums that make slightly more permanent what is otherwise an ephemeral thing

*play "in the club before 11 o'clock" - made it to the club early and got to people watch, which was very fun before moving on to catch machinedrum

got into a veryyyy nice sync with the music, which always gives the afterglow of a job well done (it felt like finding a rare gem of a show, the kind of night where it all feels so intuitive during the moment then bewildering after the fact; always fun to make my way back to that feeling, always happens in due time)

07.14.23 (fri) poem dejavu; rehearsal at the dojo; eug @ bpt

looked up a bunch of sleep poems; read a bunch of them to myself

i am calendar man; lil itinerary every weekend; every weekend a fest

now reading poetry submissions for kernel to narrow them down; did some pairings to share with jess

feeling thankful to be alive, looking back on march/april, which were so sweet. may/june/july; they were blurs; hanging out is the whole point / all i need is a place to sit in the sun, then the shade

"go be free young one"

spent a bit of time just reading poems on twitter ~

poem dejavu - lucille clifton & morgan harper hichols; marcelo hernandez castillo

practice / rehearsal w sarah bush at dojo; collecting the materials in a notes app; a poem in passing

hinges and tangents; the tangest that can only happen with unhinging; a poetics of unhinignig; a poetics of unraveling, surrendering, undoing,

morgan harper nichols - - - -

bar part time w eug; a bodega cat and watermelon juice after that

07.13.23 (th) japantown w k!

"forgive me i did not grow up with the trees"

wanna write about tumblr poetry; wanna discern between commitment and constraint; wanna scheme usb club; want to reply to texts x_x

sliced some nectarines; slurped some porridge

sat under the pagoda w k, then got lunch on the bridge; So Many Things talked about... [jk i have all these notes!]; a pigeon sat near us :)

some reflections on the talk;

pigeon clutch, dreaming about her

scrolling rabbitholes: amazon, wellfound