#had to learn all through high school finally made sense because they were being used FOR something and now all of a sudden i am

[stellardeer]

Yeah I was kind of following both sides and willing to see where their argument was going until that shit, like do you really think most people in any of the fields listed wouldn't LOVE to dedicate their life to honing skills in multiple different fields of study?

Granted, as an engineering major I did often hear remarks from other students going into biology like "oh I could never do all that math" but I don't believe that they are genuinely incapable of learning and comprehending the material, but rather it's the given time frame and the way in which it is taught in some cases that bars people from exploring those topics. Not to mention, I've also heard enough physics and maths student griping about their gen chem or anatomy classes because it's "too much memorization," which just further exemplifies the point OP was trying to make about there possibly being different types of intelligence that we could theoretically measure but not "intelligence" as a whole. Just because someone is good at solving puzzles doesn't mean they have good recall and vice versa.

Also, I know anecdotal evidence doesn't mean much, but in my personal experience, everyone is capable of understanding mathematical concepts if they are taught in a way that actually makes sense to them. I have helped tutor so many people who just needed to have things explained in terms that made sense to them, which I think suggests there are social factors at play, like how you were educated in your formative years and what kind of language you're familiar with to describe certain concepts. But I haven't actually read studies that explore this kind of idea, so I can't make any actual arguments here, I just refuse to agree that a biologist could never be a mathematician purely due to lack of intellectual capability.

Not to mention the time and money factor, most people give up on subjects that they don't immediately excel at because they don't want to waste years and tens of thousands of dollars to keep trying until they get it right. And most working adults don't care to spend what little free time they have in their life going back and learning subjects they failed, they're too busy doing chores and raising kids and fucking relaxing in the few peaceful hours they get to themselves.

Can you explain in what what you think eugenics doesn't work? Does this basically boil down to skepticism about the accuracy of GWAS studies? My understanding is that academic consensus is "G probably exists, disentangling direct genetic inheritance vs genetic cultural inheritance is complicated but possible, we can identify a number of alleles which we're reasonably confident are directly causally involved in having a higher G factor"

when it comes to intelligence, its heritability, and its variation at the population level, my understanding of the science is:

highly adaptive traits don't, in fact, vary much at the genetic level between populations of a species because they are strongly selected for. in an environment where a trait is being strongly selected for, a population that failed to express that trait strongly will be rapidly outcompeted.

intelligence is probably the quintessential such trait for humans. we have sacrificed a great deal of other kinds of specialization in favor of our big brains. we spend an enormous amount of calories supporting those brains. tool use, the ability to plan for the future, the ability to navigate complex social situations and hierarchies in order to secure status, the ability to model the minds of others for the purposes of cooperation and deception means that we should expect intelligence to be strongly selected for for as long as our lineage has been social and tool-using, which is at least the last three million years or so.

so, at least as a matter of a priori assumptions, we should expect human populations not to vary greatly in their genetic predisposition to intelligence. it may nonetheless, but we'd need pretty strong evidence. i think i read this argument on PZ Myers' blog a million years ago, so credit where that's due.

complicating the picture is that we just don't have good evidence for how IQ does vary across populations, even before we get into the question of "how much of this variation is genetic and how much of it is not." the cross-national data on which a lot of IQ arguments have been based is really bad. and that would be assuming IQ tests are in fact good at capturing a notion of IQ that is independent of cultural context, which historically they're pretty bad at

this screed by nassim nicholas taleb (not a diss; AFAICT the guy only writes in screeds) makes a number of arguments, but one argument I find persuasive is that IQ is really only predictive of achievement in the sense that it does usefully discriminate between people with obvious intellectual disabilities and those without--but you do not actually need an IQ test for that sort of thing, any more than you need to use a height chart to figure out who is missing both their legs. in that sense, sure, IQ is predictive of a lot of things. but once you remove this group, the much-vaunted correlations between IQ and stuff like wealth just straight-up vanishes

heritability studies are a useful tool, but a tool which must be wielded carefully; they were developed for studying traits which were relatively easy to isolate in very specific populations, like a crop under study at an agricultural research site, and are more precarious when applied to, e.g., human populations

my understanding based on jonathan kaplan articles like this one is that twin studies are not actually that good at distinguishing heritable factors from environmental ones--they have serious limitations compared to heritability studies where you actually can rigorously control for environmental effects, like you can with plants or livestock.

as this post also points out, heritability studies also only examine heritability within groups, and are not really suited to examining large-scale population differences, *especially* in the realm of intelligence where there is a huge raft of confounding factors, and a lack of a really robust measurement tool.

(if we are worried about intelligence at the population level, it seems to me there are interventions we know are going to be effective and do not rely on deeply dubious scientific speculation, e.g., around nutrition and healthcare and serious wealth inequality and ofc education; and if what people actually want is to raise the average intelligence of the population rather than justify discrimination against minorities, then they might focus on those much more empirically grounded interventions. even if population differences in IQ are real and significant and point to big differences in intelligence, we know those things are worth a fair few IQ points. but most people who are or historically have been the biggest advocates for eugenics are, in my estimation, mostly interested in justifying discrimination.)

i think the claims/application of eugenics extend well beyond just intelligence, ftr. eugenics as an ideology is complex and historically pretty interesting, and many eugenicists have made much broader claims than just "population-level differences in intelligence exist due to genetic factors, and we should try to influence them with policy," but that is a useful point for them to fall back onto when pressed on those other claims. but i don't think even that claim is at all well-supported.

[hyperfixationgoddess]

Inspired by the fanfiction link above; kind of an aftermath scenario. I love the idea of Wayne being extra protective of Steve after Steve saved Eddie's life, and getting even more protective of him after he and Eddie start dating. What can I say, I'm a Wayne Munson simp. Also, while I might not have a lot of respect for him anymore, see if you can find the John Mulaney quote I slipped in here! @artiststarme I hope you like it!

Finally Protected

Wayne Munson was a lot of things. A salty grump, a loner, an uncle, a father.

But most of all, he was loyal.

Once someone earned his loyalty, it lasted for life. He would stick with them through thick and thin, and defend them against anyone. And against all odds, Steve Harrington had earned his loyalty.

Anyone with eyes could see that Steve was head over heels in love with Wayne's boy. Which was why he could not comprehend why it was Steve who was on the receiving end of all these goddamn shovel talks.

Found family, my ass, he thought to himself. Even that Buckley girl had given Steve a talk. Were they all stupid? They'd known Steve, really known him, for much longer than Wayne or Eddie had. How could they still think that Steve would hurt anyone, much less Eddie?

The worst thing about it was, Wayne knew that Steve would forgive them. It didn't matter how many times the Party hurt him, Steve would just shrug it off, like his feelings didn't matter. And considering Steve had already earned the loyalty of the Munsons, Wayne had a problem with that.

A big problem.

The day after Eddie apologized and the two boys made up, Wayne dropped by to talk to Steve. Even as he settled on the couch in the living room, he could see the tension in Steve's shoulders.

"You can relax, kiddo," he said. "I'm not mad at ya. Not here to give you another goddamn shovel talk, either."

Steve's eyebrows rose. "Really?"

Wayne nodded. "Eddie's an adult now, and he knows how to take care of himself. No, I'm here to talk about the rest of the Party."

Steve looked confused. "What do you mean?"

Wayne sighed. "Boy, you need to set some boundaries with these people."

"Boundaries?"

"Steve, I know this ain't the first time these folks have hurt you. Lord knows Eddie has gone on many rants about how the kids keep calling you an idiot, or how the Wheeler girl cheated on you after 'she ripped your heart out of your chest and stomped on it.' Eddie's words, by the way."

Steve looked uncomfortable, now. "Well, the kids are just messing around. And I shouldn't have tried to hold on to Nancy the way I did."

"The kids are old enough now to learn how to mess around without being disrespectful. And Nancy should have been honest with you instead of leading you on," Wayne countered.

Steve still looked apprehensive. Wayne sighed (again-he'd been doing that a lot lately).

"Look, Steve, I'm not saying you have to cut them out of your life. I know that'd be devastating for ya. But just letting them hurt you, and not saying a word about it... You deserve better than that."

Steve's eyes misted over. "No, I don't," he choked out. When Wayne opened his mouth to protest, the kid shook his head rapidly. "You don't understand, Mr. Munson, I was a really bad person in high school. The things I said about people... I'd tear them down without a second thought. I-"

Sensing that Steve was about to go on a self deprecating tangent, Wayne cut him off.

"Did you know that Eddie used to rant about you?"

This seemed to startle the kid. "Um... What?"

Wayne chuckled. "Yeah, I won't go into details, but he was very vocal about how much you bugged him... But then, out of nowhere, in 1984, he stopped. I asked him why, because I was curious. Do you know what he said?"

Steve gulped. "What?"

"He said, and I quote, 'he hasn't actually been an asshole in a while, and now that everyone else is trying to kick him down, I don't want to contribute to that.' You made a change, Steve. Not many people are willing to do that. Hell, most ain't even willing to believe that there's something wrong with em. But you were. I'll keep telling you, as many times as I have to for it to sink in. You don't deserve to be hurt."

The tears Steve had been holding back this whole time finally seemed to overwhelm him. Wayne scooched over to him and wrapped him in a hug.

"You've had to be strong for so long, kid. Let me look after you, yeah? Lord knows you deserve protection just as much as Eddie does."

Steve didn't answer, but he nodded. That was enough for now.

--0--

Wayne had been pacing around Steve's living room for about ten minutes when he finally heard the doorbell ring. It would appear that this group traveled as a pack, because every single member of the party was there.

That is, every member but two.

"Mr. Munson?" Dustin asked confusedly. "What's going on? Where's Steve?"

Wayne grunted. "All of ya just come in. I'll explain once you get settled. And I'm sayin this now, I expect you all to listen."

When everyone was sitting around the living room, Hopper was the first to speak up. "So Wayne, what's going on? Where's the kid?"

Wayne scowled. "If you mean Steve, he's at my trailer with Eddie. If that were big enough, we'd be there instead, but there's too many of you, and I need you all to hear this."

The Buckley girl looked extremely confused. "Why would you want us here if Steve isn't?"

Wayne took a deep breath in an attempt to control his anger. "Because it would seem to me that you lot forget just how much that boy does for all of you."

Joyce furrowed her brow. "Um... What?"

"You folks got a lot of nerve, acting like Steve is the one who's gonna hurt Eddie. He ain't a ticking time bomb, and you gotta stop treating him like it. After everything he's done for you lot, it astounds me how you can still treat him like crap. Found family, my ass."

Nancy Wheeler opened her mouth with an angry expression, but Wayne cut her off. "Don't go acting so high and mighty, Wheeler. Did you even realize that Steve still flinches when anyone uses the word bullshit? You tore his heart out of his chest and stomped on it, and then slept with another guy before you even broke up with Steve properly."

That seemed to shut her up. Good.

"And as for you kids, how many times has Steve taken a beating for you? The only ones that I've seen being respectful to him are Will and El. The rest of you... You've all been the victims of bullies, according to Steve. So explain to me, how in the hell can you justify the way you all treat him on a daily basis? Insulting his intelligence, bossing him around, disregarding the work he's done to change, all of that has to stop."

The kids tried to protest, but Wayne was on a roll. He rounded on Joyce, Hopper, and Robin. "Hopper, Joyce, Eddie is my kid. He ain't your responsibility. You had no right to give Steve that goddamn shovel talk as if he were still the guy he was in high school. And you, Miss Buckley? You call yourself Steve's best friend. You might wanna try acting like it.

"Now, I know that Steve sees you all as family. That's the only reason I ain't told him to cut you folks out of his life. But Steve has got no standard for how he should be treated as a human being. Whether you lot realize it or not, you've all taken advantage of that. He thinks that he deserves it, but I've seen the effort he makes every day to be better than he was. Most won't even accept that they need to be better, and it would seem that you folks are a part of that majority. I know that he deserves better, and I ain't even known him a whole year. That says something about you, don't it?

"Now, you are going to give Steve as much space as he needs. You won't ask him to babysit, you won't ask him to chauffeur you around, you won't ask him for money. You'll take some time to think about how you've treated him. And when you feel you're ready to apologize-not because of guilt or obligation, but because you mean it-you tell me. I'll let Steve know. But only when Steve is ready to see you all again, and not a second more, will I let you talk to him."

Wayne shared a vicious smile with El and Will, and then looked at the rest of them with a raised eyebrow.

"Now get the hell out of my future son-in-law's house."

Fin

[supernovafics]

series masterlist | last part — next part

pairing: modern!college!steve harrington x fem!reader, bestfriend!eddie munson x fem!reader

word count: 3.4k words

warnings: explicit language, mentions of alcohol/drinking, a bit of drunk!reader and drunk!eddie, a lil angst

summary: steve is by your side at a last minute party 

CHAPTER FIVE | ❝𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒉𝒐𝒘, 𝒊𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌𝒔❞

Fall Semester 2015

Would either of us even remember any of this tomorrow? 

The music was too loud to outwardly verbalize that question, and it was forgotten after a second too, which probably only proved it to be true. 

Instead, your mind shifted into thinking about what led you and Eddie to this current moment— a last-second canceled date, your abrupt suggestion to go to a frat party to celebrate the end of finals and also to cheer Eddie up, and his immediate yes. 

The two of you drank cup after cup of some random mix of God knows what. It tasted absolutely horrible but it did its job— barely an hour into being at the party and you were effectively drunk, and so was Eddie; maybe even more than you. You had a feeling that had something to do with Chrissy and her canceling their date.

The number of people crammed into the house was probably a fire hazard at this point and it was starting to feel way too hot.

You were leaning back against a wall, because it was the only thing keeping you steady, and Eddie was in front of you. “We should leave.” 

The music blasting through the speakers in the huge living room was so loud that you could barely even hear the words leave your mouth. 

Eddie heard something, though, or attempted to read your lips in the shitty lighting, because he was shaking his head. “No, we should leave.”

You could only laugh in response at first. 

“That’s what I said,” You told him, that time making your voice louder, matching his.

“Oh,” He said and smiled, a perfect drunken smile that made you smile back at him. 

You wondered what he thought you had just said and you were about to ask him exactly that, but then someone was bumping into him from behind, which pushed him much closer to you, and the thought of saying anything was pushed away. His hands instinctively found your hips to steady himself as he let out a breath of a laugh and didn’t immediately step back away from you.  

There was no reason for you to lean in a little more, but you did. It was an impulsive decision that was made solely by your heart because your head was in an entirely different place. Your thoughts were cloudy and all rational thinking was tossed to the side. Surprisingly, or maybe not so much, this actually felt like the right thing to do. And even if your best friend would’ve rejected you in that moment— pulled away and said that this wasn’t at all a good idea— you probably wouldn’t have been too fazed about it right then. 

But, Eddie wasn't pulling away. Instead, he was meeting you halfway and closing the final bit of space between you two. You didn’t even have time to be surprised about it before his lips were on yours and your already muddled mind became even more blank. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

Spring Semester 2018

“If either of you would like to suddenly become really good at Physics and explain this velocity formula to me, that would be awesome.”  

You looked up from the book you were reading, a biography about a random British author from the 1800s that was assigned for one of your classes, when you heard Robin’s words.

She pushed the textbook she had opened over to your and Eddie’s side of the table that the three of you were sitting at in the library.

Everything you learned in your high school Physics class had pretty much went in one ear and out the other, so looking at what she was pointing at in her textbook unsurprisingly made no sense to you. “I don’t understand any of this.”

Eddie took the quickest look at the opened page and shook his head before sliding the textbook back over to her. “I still don’t get why you decided to take that class.” 

“I have to finally get a science course out of the way and this was the only one available this semester,” Robin quickly explained and then sighed. “I truly, truly regret it now.”

She took another look at the page before simply closing the textbook and picking up her phone.

When you all studied or decided to collectively work on your respective assignments together it was always agreed that the first floor of the library was the perfect place to do it because of the idea that being in a library meant that you were being more productive. But, that really was just an idea because the first floor of the library was a free-for-all all for noise and you guys never went to any other floor, so your “study nights” almost always turned into you rarely doing any actual studying after the first hour. 

“Oh, anyway, look at this video I took of you and Steve during game night,” Robin abruptly said and handed her phone over to you. “I meant to show you yesterday, but it completely slipped my mind.” 

It was during the Mario Kart tournament; you were quickly able to tell that because the video started with the camera focused on the TV screen when you were seconds away from getting in first place for the final race. The camera turned to you and Steve sitting next to each other on the small loveseat when you won; you smiling in victory and him pulling you in for a celebratory hug and pressing a kiss against your cheek. You were glad to see that in the video you actually couldn’t tell how, even though the entire night you had tried your hardest to make everything seem believable and comfortable between you two, in that moment you were inwardly tensing up because of how unexpected the action was.

“The fanfare makes a lot of sense. That was the only game we won that night,” You said once the video ended and you passed the phone back over to Robin.

“I actually like him,” She told you with a smile. “I vote to keep bringing him around.” 

Eddie nodded. “Sure, keep bringing him around, but I need you back on my team for game night. We’re always killer at charades.” 

“Yeah, if you guys are a team again you won’t cheat at charades like you and Talia did,” Robin said. 

“That never happened,” He immediately responded, which made Robin roll her eyes and you only laughed. 

Your phone began vibrating on the table right as Eddie shifted the conversation and went into talking about band stuff; a gig that he and the guys had on Friday at a bar across town. 

Steve’s name popped up on your screen and when Robin noticed she let out a laugh. “Woah, did I kinda accidentally manifest him?” 

“Now you should try to manifest a good grade on your Physics test,” Eddie joked.

“Good idea!”

You grabbed your phone and then stood up from the table. “I’ll be right back.”

You headed down a random empty aisle and then answered the call. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Steve started. “So I told my parents about us and they want to meet you, so a dinner is set up for Sunday.” 

You took a second to process everything he had just said— which wasn’t a lot but it also kind of was— and then you were nodding even though he couldn’t see you. “Oh. Oh, wow, okay.”

“I can change it to a different day if Sunday’s not good.” 

“No, Sunday’s fine,” You told him, which was technically true because you had nothing going on that night, but you didn’t expect this to happen so fast so things didn’t feel entirely fine. Even though the quickness made a lot of sense because things were meant to happen fast— you and Steve were only doing this whole fake dating thing for a month. “Just please tell me it’s not gonna be at some way too fancy restaurant.”

“No, don’t worry, I convinced them to just do it at the house,” He said, which placated your worries just for a second, but then you weren't sure if meeting his family in his childhood home sounded much better either. However, it was only Wednesday, and you were quickly telling yourself not to stress about any of this until, at least, Friday.

“Okay,” You said instead of anything else. 

Things were quiet for a second and you were half-reading some of the spines of the books on the shelf in front of you before mindlessly speaking. 

“So, how’s your week been so far?”

“Okay, I’ll talk to you later.”

Both your and Steve’s words were said at the same time and then after the briefest of pauses with neither of you saying anything, it was as if you both wanted to immediately follow up and respond to each other. But as he was responding with, “Oh, it’s been good so far,” you were saying, “Okay, yeah, I’ll see you later.”

Another beat of silence hit and you kind of just wanted to end the call right there, but you stopped yourself. You hadn’t talked to him since game night and you were still trying to figure out what the dynamic between you two was aside from fake dating each other, and you were starting to think that maybe there really was nothing else to it. And maybe these kinds of moments only proved that. 

“How’s your week been?” Steve asked, and you were a little surprised that he actually wasn’t trying to end the conversation, and you honestly didn’t mind the mundane question being tossed onto you. 

“Good,” You answered, leaning back against the shelf behind you, and then started rambling a bit. “I had a test yesterday, which went fine, and Wednesdays are usually easy for me because that’s my least busy day so it’s been good so far too.”

“Nice.”

“Also, you got rave reviews from everyone after game night, by the way,” You said and then shook your head at yourself. “I don’t know why I randomly decided to mention that, but yeah.”

“I told you that I’m good at making people like me.”

“Even though that’s actually true, there’s something about you saying that statement that makes me want to hit you.” 

“Wow, ouch,” Steve said, but you could also hear him laugh. “And on that note, I’m gonna hang up now.” 

“See you Sunday,” You responded. “We can talk about it more later.” 

“Yeah, see you Sunday.” 

You hung up then and pocketed your phone in the back of your jeans as you headed back over to Robin and Eddie. 

Robin looked up at you. “Are you ditching us to go hang with Steve?” 

“No,” You answered, shaking your head and sitting back in your seat next to Eddie. “He just called to ask about doing something Sunday, so I’m seeing him then.”

There was no way that you were going to explain further and tell them that you were actually going to be meeting Steve’s parents; you knew exactly how insane it would sound if you did. 

“Okay, good because we need your vote.” 

Your eyebrows furrowed. “For what?”

“For what we should do tonight. Should we be boring and rot away on the couch, like we almost always do, or go to a party that Vickie just texted about that one of her Art major friends is throwing?” 

“It’s a Wednesday and you have a test tomorrow,” You reminded her.

“Yes, but this would be fun.”

“I think rotting away on the couch would be very fun too.”

Robin groaned at your words and Eddie smiled at you.

“Thank you for agreeing,” He said.

“Okay, don’t get too happy yet,” Robin said to both of you. “Talia still has to vote and now she’s the tiebreaker.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

Apparently, this night was one of the rare moments where Talia was in the mood for a party, so you and Eddie were ultimately outvoted and by nine o’clock, you all were headed to a house that was on a completely different side of town. 

Robin and Vickie broke off from the group pretty much immediately, and Talia was pulled into a conversation with someone she knew from a class, and you and Eddie were left with each other; which was something that happened more often than not. You two usually always stuck together at parties, and then after the Chrissy breakup, that became even more of an always thing. 

This night, you first both grabbed a drink and then walked around the small and too-packed house before settling in a random spot. After an hour, you wouldn’t say that you were drunk, but you definitely were comfortably tipsy, and that made the game that you and Eddie were playing ten times better; which was a weird mix between rock, paper, scissors and a staring contest. It was entirely childish and dumb and barely made sense, but what else was there to do? 

“I still don’t fully understand the rules of this game,” Eddie said, laughing a bit. 

You nodded, laughing too. “Me neither, but I’m pretty sure I’m winning, though.” 

“Okay, I don’t think that’s true.” 

You could tell he was about to say something else but then his gaze was focusing on someone behind you who he waved at after a moment. You turned around and saw Steve maneuvering through the crowd and walking over to you and Eddie.

It was Robin's idea for you to ask Steve to come to the party; although it probably should’ve been yours because it was a perfect opportunity to play up your “relationship.” However, you did tell him that you knew exactly how short notice this party invite was, so if he didn’t want to come, you’d be completely okay with it. But, he said that he had no problem with coming and turning on the fake dating charm for the night. His exact words were, “If you’re going to have to suffer through a dinner with my parents, I can easily go to a party for you,” which didn’t help ease any of your worries about what Sunday would be like, but, at least, he was coming tonight. 

“Hey,” Steve said, greeting you with a kiss on the cheek and wrapping an arm around your shoulders. 

You were suddenly glad for your slight tipsiness because it actually made it feel easy to lean into Steve’s touch and feel entirely okay about him kissing you. 

“Hi,” You looked up at him. “We’re currently in the middle of playing a game that doesn’t make any sense, but I’m winning.”

Eddie shook his head, laughing a little. “She’s definitely not winning. If anything, we’re tied.”

“If it makes you feel better to say that, fine,” You said with a shrug and only laughed when he rolled his eyes at you. 

“Can I know the rules of the game?” Steve asked. 

“It’s basically a mix between rock, paper, scissors and a staring contest,” Eddie started explaining and then stopped abruptly. “Hold on, Talia’s giving the signal. I’ll go help her out.” 

You nodded at his words as you looked at Talia and saw that she was, in fact, doing the very subtle wave in your guys’ direction. 

“Signal?” Steve asked you as Eddie walked away. He dropped his arm from your shoulders and went to simply holding your hand instead. 

“Talia is always hardcore flirted with at parties like this— Art majors are always so obsessed with her “vibe” for some reason. So we swoop in whenever she wants to get out of a conversation. It’s also something we all do, if needed,” You briefly explained. You looked over at her again and saw Eddie jumping into the conversation that she was having with some random guy. You had no idea what Eddie was saying, but he was moving his arms around excitedly, which made you smile. He always did something similar to that when saving someone from a conversation; an attempt to scare the random person away with his overdramatic antics. 

“Your friend group is so interesting,” Steve said and when you looked back at him, you noticed the amused smile on his face. “Also, you’re surprisingly chill right now. How much did you drink?”

“Only two cups of whatever punch was in the kitchen,” You answered, remembering just how bad it had tasted. “Did you just get here? I almost thought you weren’t coming anymore.”

“Yeah, the drive took a lot longer than I thought it would,” He said and you nodded. “I texted you.”

“Oh, I think my phone’s dead,” You responded, pulling it out of your jacket pocket to check, but it slipped out of your hand and hit the ground instead. You immediately reached down to grab it, and as you stood back up, you got hit with a wave of dizziness. “Woah, shit.”

Steve was grabbing your arm to steady you when you stumbled a bit. “I thought you said you only had two drinks.”

“Yeah, I did. I just stood back up too fast and got a little dizzy.”

“You wanna go outside for a second?” He asked, and suddenly the thought of getting some fresh air sounded really good to you. 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

His hand found yours again and he led you to the backyard. There was nothing in the small yard aside from a rusty old lawn chair that was sitting under a tree in the farthest part of the backyard, but it was luckily just long enough to fit both of you.

“Be honest,” You started, turning to look at Steve. “How bad is Sunday night gonna be?”

He was quiet for a second and then shook his head. “Let’s not talk about it right now.”

“Oh, God. I’ll take that as very bad.” 

He bypassed your statement. “You want me to go grab you some water or something?”

“Nice job at changing the subject. I’m okay, though,” You said. “Do you want me to get you something? I can also be a chivalrous and considerate fake girlfriend.”

Steve laughed a little. “No, I’m fine.”

You noticed the sliding doors that led to the backyard open and then saw Eddie walk out. You let your hand slowly find Steve’s and then you pushed yourself closer to him, closing the final bit of distance between you two on the patio chair. 

“You okay?” Steve asked, and you realized how weird your previous actions probably seemed out of context. 

“Yeah, it’s just that Eddie’s walking over to us right now, so we should play it up,” You said and then gave Eddie a quick wave with your free hand.

“Oh, smart,” Steve said, seeing him and waving too. “You’re getting good at this.” 

You smiled at him. “I learned from the best serial dater.”

“I’m gonna take that as a compliment.” 

“You should,” You told him and then proceeded to say something that would’ve probably taken a lot more courage to say if you weren’t tipsy. “I wish I was more like you, I think. I wish I didn’t care about relationships and feelings because if I didn’t, I probably wouldn’t be hopelessly in love with one of the most important people in my life.” 

“It’s not hopeless,” Steve said, making his voice lower because Eddie was only a few feet away. 

You didn’t get the chance to think about saying anything in response to that before your best friend was standing in front of you and Steve.

“Hey,” Eddie started, eyes on you. “Talia wants to leave, so I’m gonna head out with her too. Do you wanna come with us or are you staying?”

Any other time, the answer would’ve been an obvious yes— in fact, he wouldn’t have even asked the question because he already knew your answer— you’d always leave with him. But this case was different because of Steve sitting right next to you, and a girl that “really liked a guy” would stay at a party with him, right? Your slightly inebriated brain was assuming the answer was yes.

“Staying with Steve,” You ultimately answered. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Eds.”

“Okay,” He said to you with a nod, and then looked at Steve. “Get her home safe, Harrington.” 

It was such a subtle statement, but it still warmed your heart all the same. 

Steve nodded. “Of course.”

Eddie looked at you one more time, giving you a final small smile which you returned before heading off. 

“It’s not hopeless,” Steve told you again, and that time, you felt a little bit closer to believing him. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。

next part!

taglist (lmk if you want to be added or taken off<333); @eddiernunson , @loulouloueh , @the-aster , @blckburd , @totally-bogus-timelady , @yujyujj , @irhdifartzamfyaa , @mochminnie , @munsonssweets , @blckbrrybasket , @xprloki , @definitionwanderlust , @dwcode , @sun-fiower-seed , @keerysfolklore

[gyundo]

“My Delectable Treat”

Sim Jaeyun (Jake) x Male Reader

SMUT! DNI if under 18

Plot: Jake and Y/N have a special moment at a fansign, allowing a very steamy night, in particular, to occur.

Y/N, a high school student, was struck by the pandemic as off-guard as everyone else. He had been stuck in the daily cycle of school-eat-study-sleep repeat for so long that he was completely lost on how to make use of the abundant free time he had.

As he found himself exploring the internet, he stumbled upon I-Land. Quickly interested in the competition show, he began learning about the how celebrities were “constructed” in Korea, and he also became a fan of one of the trainees in particular, Jake Sim.

With his cute face and astoundingly attractive aussie accent, Y/N found himself quickly rooting for one of the most talented participants and hoped that his favorite would make it into the final lineup.

Days of waiting and supporting his favorite with comments under each video finally payed off when Jake was announced to be in the final lineup. Y/N found himself so happy, he did not even realize when the tears began to flow down his cheeks. Even though all of his interactions with Jake had been one-sided, which was Jake simply talking to the camera, Y/N felt a sense of pride like someone close to him had just won.

Supporting ENHYPEN through their first comeback, Fever, and begging his parents to allow him to buy an album, Y/N found himself smiling even more when upon unboxing the album, he discovered he got a Jake photocard.

Seeing his idol making a cute kissy face and not being able to resist his beautiful black orbs, Y/N kissed the photocard before putting it in his phone cover.

Y/N religiously carried his precious Jakie around with him wherever he went, all the while stalking the group youtube channel for new vlogs for him to see his favorite.

With more comebacks and concepts, Y/N saw Jake transform from a youthful, bright boy in his teens to a daddy with the most attractive actions. From the way he began to lick his lips to the way his jawline and features became more prominent, Y/N could not help but feel a tent in his pants forming. Seeing the way his bias’s attractive hairstyles accentuated his features and his confidence-filled winks and lip bites just emanated sexiness, Y/N could only fantasize about being touched by Jake and found his lower half become painfully big as nothing could seem to ease the discomfort.

Y/N found himself crying himself to sleep more than once. He felt like in the sea of ENHYPEN fans, he was nobody to Jake, even though he was one of Jake’s first fans who supported him throughout I-Land and from a rookie group to one of the most successful and well-known fourth generation groups. He wanted to let Jake know about how he supported him, felt like he knew him, and wanted him badly.

Y/N kept supporting ENHYPEN in each comeback by buying albums, but the realization that Jake was never going to know who Y/N was broke him each time. Y/N, not that he ever would, could not even try to meet Jake coincidentally at a restaurant or known area where idols are commonly seen because he did not even live in Korea. Of course, Y/N was well aware that doing so would be considered stalking and Jake certainly would not like Y/N intruding on his privacy either.

Stuck in his one-sides admiration, Y/N could only meet with Jake in his dreams that were fueled by the hours he spent everyday watching enha content.

Y/N still kept buying albums, and it was not long before there was another comeback and Y/N was hoping for a Jake pc once again. In a strange turn of events, Y/N not only realized that he got another Jake pc, but he also won a ticket to a fan sign.

The chance to meet with ENHYPEN and to finally look his bias in the eye made Y/N gush with excitement. He felt like his hopes and dreams could finally come true, even if he couldn’t have Jake, at least Jake would know Y/N existed.

Y/N could not fall asleep for weeks before the day of sign, simply out of excitement. He worked to get all of his school work done for the days he would be away in Korea for the fansign. Now in his final year of high school, Y/N had been working a job and had enough money to travel to Seoul. He booked the tickets a few days before and often laid down on his bed, staring at the ceiling with a smile.

Y/N’s smile never faded, all throughout security, his flight to Seoul, and taxi ride to the hotel room. Y/a was overjoyed to know that he would be seeing his Jake the next day, and he went out to purchase a few things as gifts for him.

Y/N arrived at the venue of the fansign and felt his heart beating. As he walked out of the security check and into the area where the event was to take place, Y/N’s heart dropped. He saw a line of around 25 people in front of him, all of whom were young Korean girls or teenagers. Y/N’s smile immediately turned into a frown as he suddenly felt self-conscious and out of place. Y/N began to question if it was normal for a guy to support a male idol so much and was scared of Jake feeling awkward around him because of this. As he saw the line getting shorter, he became able to see Jake with more detail and clairity.

The way Jake’s face shined and the way his eyes and wavy hair gave a look full of attractiveness and wonder, Y/N became more nervous about meeting Jake. The time finally came when Y/N was in front of Jake.

Jake looked into Y/N’s eyes with the most non-judge mental, friendly look possible, which took away all of Y/N’s fear.

“Hi, what’s your name,” Jake politely asked as he took a good look at the other male. Jake’s attention was finally caught by the fact that a male had finally come, after the huge flurry of female fans.

“I’m Y/N L/N! I’ve been supporting you forever since the first episode of I-LAND, and I’ve been buying albums for every comeback,” Y/N quickly announces as he saw Jake smiling while signing his album.

“I’m so happy to hear that, Y/N. I hope you’ll continue to support us,” Jake said with an angelic smirk. In fact, Jake was smiling because of Y/N’s words just as much as of Y/N himself. Seeing the other boy’s beautiful, jewel-like eyes and cutely parted, pink lips with a nice tuft of hair prettily covering an area of his forehead, Jake couldn’t help but stare. Unfortunately, Jake knew his limits as an idol and Y/N knew his as a fan. Jake handed Y/N his album back, and Jake kept looking at Y/N until the distance between the two became too much for him to see anymore.

Y/N felt like he was on cloud nine after finally being able to meet the object of his affections and getting Jake’s attention. He quickly made his way back to the hotel room, albeit feeling a little upset that talking to Jake for 2 minutes was the most he could interact with him. He still wanted to get to know Jake and be close to him, and talk for hours on end. The realization that Y/N would never see Jake again in real life hit him like a truck, as he found fat tears rolling down his eyes as he entered his hotel room.

He fell face down onto the bed and began crying as he questioned why he felt such an attachment towards a celebrity who didn’t even know him and grieved as he thought Jake would probably forget about him anyways, since ENHYPEN had so many fans visit them during fansigns.

Getting up out of the bed with swollen, reddened eyes, Y/N tried to console himself by finally taking a look at what Jake wrote inside the album. Y/N’s jaw dropped as he read what was written.

“Thanks for all of your support, Y/N! We don’t have many male fans and you’re the first to ever come to a fansign, so I’ll certainly remember you if you come to a concert someday! Also, you’re really cute and text me at XXX-XXX-XXXX.”

Y/N couldn’t believe that Jake had given him his number, this only happened in fanfictions. His hand shook as he sent Jake a text with the message “Hi, it’s Y/N L/N. You’re also stupidly handsome.”

Y/N walked to the convenience store for dinner with a new pep in his step. He had just been noticed by not just any idol, but Jake Sim, and got his phone number as well. He was eating his shin ramyun quite aggressively, as he hadn’t eaten much throughout the day and was starved. He was on a particularly forceful slurp when he saw a response from Jake, quickly finishing off the bite so he could see what was written.

Jake wrote, “ Hey cutie 😏, wanna go somewhere tmrw?” Y/N nearly leaped out of joy as he replied with an affirmative immediately. Once he got back to his hotel room, the two began to text back and forth for the whole night, as they slowly learned more about each other and the attraction reached new heights.

Morning could not seem soon enough, and Y/N made sure to get to the mall where Jake and Y/N were to have their “date”, or that’s at least what Y/N thought it was. Standing by the entrance, he waited, scanning each face until he found the one he was looking force.

Even hidden behind a black mask, Y/N recognized the silky, wavy brown hair with a middle part and the eyes that seemed full of both purity and like they were hiding a secret. Jake seemed to recognize Y/N at the same time, suddenly grabbing his hand and running to the nearest bathroom.

“J-Jake, where are we going?” Y/N questioned, completely puzzled by his idol’s brazenness.

Jake remained silent as he kept dragging Y/N into the most isolated bathroom down a long corridor. Upon opening the door and confirming it was empty, Jake took off his mask.

Y/N watched with infatuation as the rest of Jake’s impeccable face was revealed. Seeing him up close, Y/N noticed the smoothness of his skin, the velvety honey like color that made Y/N want to have a taste, and the red, smooth lips that adorned his face.

Jake responded, “I’m sorry I had to do that so abruptly, I saw the paparazzi behind me and I had to get away from their camera. Let’s stay here for a few minutes until the coast is clear.”

Y/N replied with a nod, secretly celebrating that he had more time to look at Jake. The boy still had not let go of his hand, and was instead looking into his eyes. Y/N couldn’t help but feel that Jake was attracted to him as well, and he moved his lips closer to Jake’s.

Feeling the need to close the distance from looking at Y/N, Jake quickly closed the distance between their lips. Y/N felt the gentle pressure from Jake’s lips, commencing a flow of euphoria throughout his body. Y/N put his hands around Jake’s neck as Jake reached down for the waist of his object of affection. Jake leaned into the kiss more and slightly moved his lips to create a pleasurable friction. Y/N was quick to adjust his lips accordingly so they perfectly met Jake’s.

“You’re such a good kisser,” Jake sighed with a low tone while catching his breath.

“It was my first kiss, it was probably all you,” Y/N flirted back equally.

Jake was surprised to hear about him being Y/N first kiss, but this only gave his ego a boost. Inquiring more, Y/N explained to him the story of his one-sided love and support for Jake, which as a side effect, prevented him from engaging in any other romantic relations.

“Shall we go now?” Jake inquired from Y/N with his prominent aussie accent that only made him more irresistible in the eyes of Y/N.

Y/N responded with an affirmative, and the two set out to explore the mall. From the coffee shop to the clothing stores, Y/N and Jake explored every area of the mall, the small things they saw indicating their personalities, interests, likes, and dislikes. As the two bonded more, they didn’t realize that the mall was about to close until an announcement was made.

“Can I drop you off somewhere, babe,” Jake lovingly asked Y/N.

Flustered with how fast they were moving, but obsessed with the thought of having a date with his longtime lover (at least in his heart), THE Sim Jaeyun, Y/N could not help but exclaim, “YES!” with enthusiasm. He then gave Jake the location of the hotel as the two got into an Uber.

“You don’t live in Seoul?” Jake inquisitively spoke to Y/N.

“N-No, I’m from America,” Y/N lowly muttered while avoiding eye contact, aware that Jake’s expression would be one of sadness.

“So does that mean you came all the way here just to see me?” Jake continued.

“Mhm, I turned 18 not too long ago and so I was able to come here by myself to see you. I worked hard to make enough money for the costs, but it all was worth it,” Y/N smiled with the most innocent grin.

Jake, looking calm but simply baffled and unable to wrap his head around the idea that somebody could like him that much, blushed furiously.

Jake cracked a joke about how attractive he must be if Y/N liked him that much, to which Y/N blushed with even more fury than Jake, while the older laughed.

The duo soon reached the hotel, and Y/N invited Jake to come inside while they talked some more. Y/N learned more about Jake’s interests and hobbies, as well as his personality off-camera, which was different than expected, but still lovable. Jake couldn’t help but look at Y/N’s cute eyes and the facial expressions he made as the two flirted.

“Would you like to just stay over,” Y/N offered to Jake kindly, but clearly smitten.

Jake’s pants felt a tightening that he had been controlling ever since watching the cute expressions and movements of Y/N. The smooth skin exposed by the loose neck of the t-shirt he was wearing only seemed to be calling for Jake to come and mark that area as his.

“Thanks love, I’ll take you up on that. I’ll just go and take a shower first.” Jake announced while thinking of the shower as an opportunity to cleanse his mind of any dirty thoughts. Y/N handed him some clean clothes, watching as Jake made his way into the bathroom.

As Jake’s dirty thoughts faded, Y/N’s became stronger. He could not stop thinking about the way Jake smirked confidently smirked at him, the deep sound of his voice, the perfect amalgamation of facial features on one person, and the eyes that seemed to be capable of a dirty secret. So attracted to his face, his habit of licking his lips, and filled with the thought of their kiss earlier in the day, Y/N’s pants became filled with a bulge that he tried to ease up by massaging.

Just as Y/N was making his attempts to ease his hard-on, he heard sound of Jake coming out of the bathroom and grabbed his pajamas and towel. The minute Jake walked out, Y/N, with his head down, briskly walked into the bathroom as to avoid eye contact with the older that would excite his boner even more.

While cleansing his thoughts in the shower, Jake lied down on the one bed in the room and thought about how lucky he had been to be able to meet someone dedicated to just him and not only obsessed with the outer version of himself. Y/N was truly loving every bit of Jake that he revealed, evident through the younger’s eyes.

As Y/N walked out of the bathroom, all thoughts of purity escaped Jake. He stared at the way Y/N’s hair clinged to his forehead, the way his exposed skin was inviting a sensual adventure, and the steam escaping his barely-parted lips. Jake’s cock grew immensely, to a point where he could not hide it anymore and he didn’t care.

Making eye contact with the older for the first time after the shower, Y/N couldn’t help but notice the definition on Jake’s body that the semi-wet t-shirt gave him. Perfectly sculpted abs and plump pecs made Y/N lower body quiver, as he noticed the unique way Jake looked at him. With an inviting and lustful gaze that was threatening to corrupt him and large cock that stuck out under Jake’s sleepwear, Y/N slowly made his way over to Jake as his breathing became erratic and his face became red.

“Commie here, Y/N-N,” Jake beckoned.

Y/N complied by nervously lying down next to Jake. Purposefully trying to elicit a reaction, Jake did not say anything to Y/N but saw something growing in the younger’s pants while he closed his eyes out of embarrassment. The truth was that Y/N had been thinking, no fantasizing, about having Jake take care of his sexual needs and desires that the older was causing him to have.

Jake pulled Y/N into an embrace that allowed every inch of their bodies to touch. Jake could feel the heavy beating of the younger’s heart and stared right into his (Y/N eye color) orbs, pulling him into a deep kiss at the same time. The way Jake’s tongue swirled around Y/N’s lips and finally entered his mouth, sealed with Jake’s own lips, made Y/N groan out of pleasure.

Feeling every inch of his tongue getting licked and stimulated by that of the man he wanted the most gave him a satisfaction like no other. Y/N felt his hardness rub against Jake’s much larger one, pressing down to give the two more pleasure.

Jake responded, “Fuck M/N, You’re only 18. I didn’t think you could be this dirty minded,” before flipping the two over so Y/N was now on the bottom. The older suddenly pulled Y/N’s shirt up, causing Y/N to yelp out of surprise.

“It’s so cold hyung, I need to be warmed up,” Y/N spoke with a suggestive voice. The former was proved true by the way Y/N’s nipples stood up, prompting Jake to lean in and suck on one.

“Mmph-Haa JAKE,” Y/N yelled out upon the strange feeling of having his nipples licked and stimulated so strongly. Jake’s suction only grew more as Y/N began to yell out more, the way his tongue licked his nipple sending waves of pleasure throughout the younger’s body.

A string of saliva connected Y/N’s now swollen, reddened nipple with Jake’s lips. As Y/N slowly came back to his senses, he heard Jake whisper, “We can’t leave the other one not looking the same can we now?”

Y/N’s eyes filled with concern but Jake moved his mouth onto Y/N’s other nipple, prompting more groans and sounds of pleasure to be released as it slowly grew to the size of the other. Suckling from his right nipple caused Y/N’s cock to grow further, which Jake noticed and began to rub his own, clothed member over.

Jake moved his face over to Y/N once more, where he could see the lust in his eyes. Y/N was tempted by the moistness on his lips and captured it with his own once again, commencing a delicate tongue dance that made both feel as if they could not hold back any longer.

Y/N’s hyung slid his hand under Y/N’s own cock and began palming him while the two made out further.

Jake broke the kiss abruptly, “I need more Y/N, and I can’t hold back anymore.” He slid off Y/N’s pajamas while bringing his crotch closer to Y/N’s face.

Aware of exactly what the older wanted, Y/N pulled down Jake’s pajamas, greeted by a thick, veiny cock leaking with delicious precum. Believing it to be his opportunity to make his man feel good, Y/N immediately began licking and suckling the older’s tip.

“Awh yeah, just like that Y/N. My cock is only for you and nobody else,” Jake moaned out. Y/N began to deepthroat and explore every vein on Jake’s cock with his tongue. Jake belonged to Y/N and it was his right to enjoy every inch of him. Seeing Jake’s sexy expression with his tongue sticking out slightly while he bit his lips, Y/N could not help but suck him more.

Due to Y/N giving special attention to the tip, Jake yelled out, “F-fuck Y/NNN, who knew a young boy like you could make me feel so wild. Suck on my dick harder like you mean it.”

Y/N began sucking and licking Jake’s cock with such intensity that his hyung could not help but groan and thrust softly into Y/N’s warm, tight throat. Y/N was enjoying Jake’s dick like his favorite mango ice cream bar, while Jake was enjoying all the attention from the dongsaeng he managed to seduce.

Neither of them could seem to get enough. Y/N’s wet cavern that was spewing gushing noises and making Jake’s cock all wet and stimulated was almost enough for Jake to cum, just as Y/N felt himself nearly coming from having his throat filled and fucked so well.

“You want hyung to wreck your boy hole, huh Y/N?” Jake sexily moaned into Y/N’s.

Y/N responded by immediately kissing Jake and whispering back, “Please please please Jake, fuck me right now. I’m so needy and i’ve been saving myself for you. Only you can satisfy me, claim my hole as yours, daddy.”

Jake’s cock instantaneously grew more and became almost rock hard as he began to reach for the condom inside the side table drawer that he had checked earlier. His actions were met by a slap from Y/N’s hand that caused the condom to fly out of the older’s hand.

“I didn’t save myself for you just so you could do me with a barrier. Jake, I need you to breed me and pump me full of your cum. Your cock and your cum is mine and mine alone,” Y/N explained while rubbing his hand over Jake’s hard abs.

“Such a sexy and cute boy, I can’t believe I found you,” Jake said while staring into Y/N’s lustful eyes.

Jake flipped over Y/N so his quivering hole could be seen, and aligned his cock to it.

“This is gonna hurt, you slut, but you wanted it,” Jake slyly announced to Y/N, who could feel the weight of the cock right behind him, with its girth and length threatening to stretch out Y/N to the maximum.

“AAAH,” Y/N moaned out as Jake thrusted his large cock directly into his ass. His ass felt so painful, like it had been torn in many different places. He wanted Jake inside him and finally had him, but the pain was far worse than he expected. His being felt so full, however, like having a permanent itch soothed.

“So tight for me, my dongsaeng,” Jake groaned out as he saw Y/N adjusting. Tears began falling out of Y/N’s eyes, but Jake leaned in to kiss his cheeks to distract him.

“Be rough with me, okay Jake?” Y/N commanded Jake after a minute of silence.

“Whatever my Y/Nie wants, he will get” Jake responded as he pulled out of Y/N while leaning the tip and swiftly thrusting his humongous length inside.

“HAAH-HYUNG,” Y/N yelled out, “MORE I WANT IT MORE!”

Jake grabbed Y/N’s arms, pinning them behind his back and he began to roughly thrust at an animalistic pace. He pounded Y/N firmly, over and over again, without fail. His large cock filled all of Y/N’s anus as he continued to wreck the younger boy’s hole too good.

With the swelling from the intrusion and slight injury kicking in, Jake seemed to feel an even stronger tightness around his cock, “Such a perfect hole saved just for me to fuck and claim. I’m gonna make you addicted to this feeling, Y/N”.

Jake began to fuck Y/N more slowly until he finally felt Y/N’s body shake after he rubbed his cock against his prostate.

“UNGGH, RIGHT THERE JAKE. FUCK ME LIKE YOU MEAN IT DADDY,” Y/N moaned out as waves of pleasure from having his prostate stimulated made his mind go blank.

Jake replied with thrusts at an animalistic pace, as he was following through with his promise to breed Y/N like an animal. Jake’s cock felt perfectly enveloped by Y/N squelching, warm hole that seemed to fit his cock better by the minute.

The sound of Jake’s golf ball sized testicles hitting Y/N’s ass filled the room as Y/N enjoyed every minute of being treated like Jake’s personal fleshlight. Being fucked rough his first time like a whore by the man he wanted the most made the experience all too good.

“More, Jakie, more,” Y/N whispered lightly, clearly out of energy from being bred so hard, yet still wanting more. Jake complied with more thrusts pushing Y/N to the edge, his cock perfectly stretching out the younger’s boy hole every time.

Jake leaned down to lick Y/N’s earlobe as he placed his abdomen on top of Y/N’s back while thrusting so hard that sounds of the bed frame crashing into the wall repeatedly filled the room.

Y/N, filled with immense pleasure and loving every second of his tight hole being wrecked and mangled by every vein on Jake’s juicy cock, began licking and feeling up Jake’s large biceps.

“So-So BIG, hyung,” Y/N yelled out for the whole world to know as he enjoyed being devoured by the one and only Sim Jaeyun.

“My cock or my body, Y/N?” Jake responded with a smirk and a sudden thrust that left Y/N mouth and asshole alike agape.

“Everything is so big about you hyunGGG,” Y/N managed to mutter out in the middle of a thrust that sent another wave of pleasure, “Your dick, your abs, your biceps, your heart, everything”.

Y/N’s lower body felt tingly as his prostrate was abused over and over by Jake’s unrelenting thrusts, and sudden propulsions kept him on edge. Jake, satisfied with Y/N‘s response, wanted to fuck Y/N so good that he would never imagine being able to enjoy a cock other than his own.

Jake’s cock began to slide in easier and grant him more pleasure with the precum that he painted all over Y/N’s formerly virgin walls. He was determined to show the younger that he owned him and that Y/N was Jake’s personal thing.

“Do you want Jake’s cum in you, huh, Y/N?” Jake questioned the younger while continuously shoving his cock into a hole that had become more accustomed to the intrusion over the last half hour.

“YES PLEASE I NEED IT. MY HOLE NEEDS IT JAKEE,” Y/N yelled out of desperation.

Reaching his climax, Jake’s cock turned inconceivably hard as his thrusts became sloppy and rougher. Jake released a copious amount of cum into the younger, with spurts of cum continuously flowing out.

Y/N, full of the sensation of being filled with a large cock and warmed up by an immeasurable amount of Jake’s hot semen, felt his own orgasm near as Jake thrusted in him one last time. The thrust was enough for Y/N to shower spurts of cum all over his chest and the sheets.

“I finally have your cum, hyung. You’ve finally marked me as yours and bred me,” Y/N let out with satisfaction.

“That was fabulous, my delectable treat,” Jake softly spoke to Y/N while scooping his cum up and licking it all off his fingers. Jake’s cum continued to gush inside Y/N as his reddened hole was held shut by the base of Jake’s cock still inside him.

[qprstobin]

home back to you - pt 1

So my friends knew this was coming - finally posting the first part of the Steve/tommy/carol post S2 fic ❤️

Summary:

Steve’s fight with Billy is exactly the kick in the pants Tommy (and Carol) need to make amends with Steve. Now if only Steve and his weird security detail full of bratty middle schoolers made it easier to talk to him. The Steve/Tommy/Carol post-s2 fic that no one has been asking for but me <3

AO3 Link | Pt. 2

Minor tw: some ableist language, tommy badmouthing Jonathan and Nancy (tho this is NOT a bashing fic), the S2 shower scene being weird as hell

Tommy thought that Billy Hargrove was the best thing to happen to Hawkins High since Steve Harrington ditched his throne (and Tommy and Carol along with it).

Billy was wild in a way that was hard to match, sending fire thrumming through Tommy’s veins and scorching the hole that Steve had left behind. He was making things exciting again, shaking up the social hierarchy in a way that Tommy felt (or well, Carol pointed out) he could use to his advantage. It didn’t take long for the two of them to be practically attached at the hip, reminding him of earlier, easier days.

(Days he was trying hard to forget.)

A part of him was also watching how Billy circled Ste- Harrington, like a hawk circling its prey, reminding him of the nature documentaries he liked to watch when he was sick. It would worry him, maybe, the look in Billy’s eyes, if he wasn’t hoping this would be the thing that truly unseated Steve. That made him return to normal, drop Wheeler and come crawling back to him and Carol.

(He thought that Steve would’ve broken up with Nancy months ago, they’d never fought for this long before-)

Tommy came to regret that sentiment after everything played out.

It started at practice – well, if Tommy was being honest with himself (which he was trying to get better at, with mixed results), it likely started from the first moment that Billy laid his ice blue eyes on Harrington, that night at Tina’s party.

He hadn’t noticed it then, not as drunk as he was pretending to be but drunker than he really meant to be, thrumming with adrenaline (and something that felt strangely like attraction, though, that didn’t really make any sense) as Billy in one fatal blow, beat Steve’s record and became the new Keg King.

Tommy had felt bad about how excited he was, knowing that Steve, Carol, and him had worked hard to learn how to hold their liquor. That didn’t stop the petty part of him from being happy about it.

Not only was the new kid already putting Harrington in his place, maybe this would be the thing that caused Steve to turn (his) their way again. Cause him to care about his reputation a little more. He’d worked so hard for it – they all had – he didn’t get how he could just drop it so easily.

(How he could drop them so easily.)

Tommy was so sure this was the first step in finally pulling Steve’s head out of his ass – (show him that he and Carol didn’t need him) – that he introduced Billy to him that night.

Like he said, he didn’t realize it then, but that was the real start of it.

The start as he remembered it was at basketball practice the next day.

Billy was… competitive with Steve on the court.

Which, of course he was, Ste- Harrington managed to stay aloft in the social hierarchy, despite dropping all of his actual friends because of his place on the basketball team.

Basketball was the biggest sport in the school, in the county, and not just because everyone around was a fan of the Hoosiers, though that definitely played a part. Back when they were still sophomores, Tommy and Steve had helped lead the school to its first championship in years.

Steve shot the winning shot and got the keg king title at the after party, in one fell swoop securing his place not only in the Hawkins history books but also his spot at the top of the high school’s food chain for the rest of his high school career.

The next year they made him captain, and Harrington was good at being captain. Though he spent most of his time with Wheeler and even Byers (which, really? The guy that his almost-girlfriend cheated on him with? He was preferable to Tommy and Carol? His best friends since grade school?) he still made sure to dedicate time to the team, both on and off the court. And the team respected him for that.

(Tommy had to respect him for that, too. Even if it wasn’t fair that the only time Tommy got St- Harrington was when they were hanging out as a team.)

If Billy could unseat Steve on the court and with the team, his reign would be all but guaranteed. So, it made some sort of sense to Tommy as he watched Billy push their captain around, get in his face, yell at him to ���plant his feet’. Tommy could see that Harrington wasn’t at his best, almost seeming hungover.

Thing was, despite how gone Tommy himself was, he knew that Steve hadn’t drank much that night. Aside from the fact that losing his Keg King title wasn’t enough to lure him into doing his own keg stand, he’s pretty sure he saw Wheeler hitting the punch bowl more than Stev- Harrington was. Especially when it led to a loud argument in Tina’s bathroom.

Even if he had been blackout drunk, Tommy would be able to tell when Steve was trying not to cry.

(He’d have to ask Carol later if it was possible to be emotionally hungover.)

The predatorial posturing was interrupted by Wheeler appearing at the door. Normally, it wouldn’t be odd to see her at practice. Tommy had seen her working on homework (gross) on the bleachers before, and even would occasionally pop in when doing a story for the school paper, but she had never interrupted like this before, with frustration visibly leaking off of her.

Ste- Harrington sighed and followed her out, waving to the coach. For once, he didn’t look like he was literally walking on air when approaching her.

“That Harrington’s girl?” Billy asked, sliding to a controlled stop next to Tommy.

He responded without thinking, “Not sure she will be after today.”

Billy threw his head back and let out a mocking laugh. Tommy flushed as he watched the sweat from Billy’s mullet trickle down his chest. He forced himself to look away as Coach blew the whistle.

–

Two days later Tommy got his confirmation.

“Wheeler isn’t here today, again,” Carol said, appearing beside his locker as he closed the door. He didn’t jump, used to his girlfriend appearing out of nowhere. “And you’ll never guess who else is missing.”

Tommy’s mouth dropped.

“No.”

“That fucking creep, Byers.”

Seemed like Tommy had been right. Steve and Wheeler had broken up.

(If they hadn’t yet, Steve sure wasn’t going to take her back this time. Talk about turning into your parents-)

He felt suddenly energized, riding on a high that carried him all the way through to afternoon practice. Especially with the way Billy’s eyes lit up at the little piece of gossip.

He decided to follow Billy’s lead on this, waiting for him to bring it up to Harrington. During practice, he mostly shoved the other around, taunting him and generally running circles around him. Tommy could tell that Harrington’s head still wasn’t in the game, and it reflected on the rest of his scrimmage team. They trounced them.

(Tommy almost felt bad about it, but the bitter part of him didn’t.)

Coach pulled Steve aside, probably to try and figure out ‘what the hell was up with him’, and the rest if the team hit the showers. Tommy and Billy both drew the short stick, getting some of the last shower slots, which was… not a problem exactly.

Tommy preferred to shower last, normally taking a little extra time to shoot hoops and shoot the shit. The less time spent in the locker room around his naked teammates, the better. Why would he want to spend time around a bunch of naked guys, anyway? Though, it was more time spent loitering around in his gross clothes than he really wanted.

Anyway, he wasn’t sure why he felt so uneasy about it.

Steve (Harrington dammit) still wasn’t done talking to the Coach by the time Tommy and Billy were finally able to get under that sweet, freezing water. He lifted his chin up towards the spray, savoring the feeling, letting it center him. His eyes were clenched shut, so he didn’t get soap in them.

(Not for any other reason at all.)

Right as he was ready to get out, Steve finally entered the showers. Tommy’s eyes popped open just in time to see the smirk crawl across Billy’s face.

“Don’t sweat it, Harrington,” he said, wiping water from his face as he stared intensely at their captain. “Today’s just not your day, man.”

“Yeah, not your week,” Tommy was quick to add on, eager to rub his newfound knowledge in his face. “You and the princess break up for one day, and she’s already running off with the school Creep.” He leaned around the shower pole to make eye contact with Steve.

Steve just stared at him, a note of confusion on his face before his eyes flickered down to his fancy soap impatiently. Surprise and glee flooded through Tommy.

“Oh shit, you don’t know,” he said, unable to keep his grin from growing. Steve continued with his routine, trying to ignore him. “Jonathan and the princess skipped yesterday. Still haven’t shown.”

His former best friend was refusing to look at him, but Tommy could see the way his mouth had tightened. He leaned against the pole, as close as he would allow himself to get in that moment.

“But that must just be a coincidence, right?”

Steve glanced at him before he grabbed his even fancier shampoo. The brief moment of eye contact was almost too much for Tommy. Steve kept his expression cold and uncaring, but Tommy knew him well enough still, could see the pinch around his eyes. The distaste. They were standing too close.

Tommy couldn’t stop the laughter that burst out of him, one part mocking, the other veering into hysterics, and turned away to grab his towel.

He didn’t really pay attention to what Billy said after that, trying to get his head on straight, but he couldn’t miss the way Billy’s mouth wrapped around the words “pretty boy”.

–

The town had an eerie feeling hanging over it that weekend.

He stayed over at Carol’s house all three nights. It was only meant to be one or two, but then both of her parents got called into work because of some sort of weird flu or food poisoning or whatever was going around.

Neither of them were fans of sleeping alone, though neither of them would admit it.

(Not that they really needed to admit it, after knowing each other this long, dating for this long. They didn’t need to waste time on pointless conversation.)

A pack of wild dogs seemed to be roaming through the woods, filling it with feral sounding snarls and leaving trails of debris everywhere. Tommy thought it was odd how they seemed to come out of nowhere, but it wasn’t uncommon for people to ditch animals on the side of the road, so didn’t give it too much thought.

Come Monday morning, the strangeness continued when Billy pulled up to school quieter than normal, rage hanging from his shoulders. His little sister wasn’t in the car with him for once, but Tommy just figured she was sick or something. He didn’t completely understand their family dynamic, honestly.

“Man, what happened to your face?” he exclaimed in surprise once the other man drew closer.

Vicki, who had been chatting with Carol, gasped dramatically and ran up to him, clucking her tongue and simpering at him. Billy put up with it, but didn’t have as heated of a smile to give her as he normally did, to her agitation.

“Had to teach someone a lesson,” he grunted, throwing his around her as something of a consolation. She huffed a little but snuggled up to him anyway, accepting the unspoken apology.

Privately, Tommy thought that it looked like someone had taught Billy the lesson, not the other way around. He wondered if it was Steve, and was privately impressed. He didn’t know Steve had it in him to go after someone like that, but maybe he’d been right. Maybe Wheeler ditching him was the kick in the pants he’d needed all along.

Tommy couldn’t wait to see what he might do, might say, when he got to school that day.

But Steve wasn’t at school that day, he didn’t show up to school that entire week.

He would’ve been worried, but Steve didn’t need him to worry about him anymore. He’d made that clear.

(Tommy was worried anyway.)

That week, he distracted himself by spending time with Billy. There was a sense of unease around the man at all times, but it lessened slightly as the week went on. Tommy could tell that he was fixating on him a little bit, more than he had with anyone other than Carol (or Steve) in ages.

Carol thought the whole thing was funny, giggling with Vicki and Nicole over milkshakes as Tommy, Billy, and whatever other members of the basketball team they dragged along with them were their normal rowdy selves. She knew how Tommy could get – had known him since he moved to this god forsaken town.

All that to say, he was feeling pretty good, despite the conspicuous absence of Harrington at their practices.

That peace was shattered the day he came back.

Tommy didn’t actually see Steve during the actual school day on Monday, but he did see the ripples that were sent through the student body. Whispers filled the halls, but cut off abruptly when Billy walked through them.

Carol’s lips were pinched at lunch, but she refused to tell him why. Wanted more information before she told him. She hated not having the full picture.

Looking back, it wouldn’t have mattered if she had told him. Nothing would have prepared him for seeing Steve that day.

Tommy stopped short when he saw Ste- Harring- Steve shuffling out of Coach’s office that afternoon. He had sunglasses on, but they couldn’t hide the rainbow mosaic on his face, a mix of purples and blues and yellows and greens – bruises all in different stages of healing. He looked like he’d been run over by a truck.

Tommy felt like he’d been hit by a truck. What the hell had happened?

Billy wouldn’t have done that, would he?

“Steve?” he called out, unable to stop himself from saying something. Ignoring the fact that that was the first time he had called Steve by his first name in literal months. He wasn’t really concerned with that right now, not trying to hide how much he cared. Not when Steve’s face looked like that.

Steve turned, his hair flopping limply. It was obvious he had done something to it, but not much. He never let it get this… lusterless in public. His face scrunched up, obviously squinting despite the sunglasses.

With a sigh that seemed to be masking a tired groan, Steve said, “I’m not in the mood, Hagan.”

Tommy knew getting last-named shouldn’t hurt (he and Steve had been doing it for months at this point, wielding it like a weapon every time they bothered to talk to each other), but it did.

“What happened to your face?” he asked, pushing down the hurt and unconsciously echoing the same question he asked Billy the week before.

“What do you think?” Steve scoffed, tossing his head back like he always did when rolling his eyes. This seemed to be a bad idea, since he immediately rocked back forward with a wince. “Your new best friend broke a plate over my head.”

Tommy reared back. “He did what?”

“Oh, he didn’t tell you?” he said, sounding incredibly bitter. “I shouldn’t be surprised. Probably didn’t want to admit that the only reason he wasn’t arrested for being a fucking psycho is because Hopper had other things to worry about.”

There seemed to be a strange ringing sound echoing through the halls, and it confused Tommy until he realized it was just his ears.

Billy did that?

Tommy didn’t want to believe it, not only because it just didn’t make sense (it made perfect sense, Billy had always seemed a little off to Tommy but he was too obsessed with him to care-) but because this wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

People got into petty fights all the time and normally no one was that fucked up at the end of it. A couple of bruises, maybe a broken nose or a black eye, something for the girls to coo over and for other guys to be subtly impressed by, knowing that guy was a guy that shouldn’t be messed with. The worst fight he’d seen happen was when Creepy Byers lost his shit on Steve the year before.

(Tommy wondered for a second what it was about Steve that made guys lose their gourd over him, but shoved that thought out of his mind.)

This- this wasn’t what was supposed to happen.

This wasn’t what he wanted.

Steve seemed to take his shocked silence for some sort of answer, because he sighed quietly to himself.

“It’s like talking to a brick wall, I swear,” he said, walking past him with a hand on his temple, massaging around the bandage he was only now noticing.

He moved aside to let him pass automatically, not sure how to get his mouth working again. Steve started towards the entrance, but paused suddenly, turning to call one last thing to his former best friend.

“Be careful around Billy, Tommy,” he said, using his first name for the first time in a year. “He’s more dangerous than you think he is.”

Pt. 2

[writingsfromhome]

The Ex-Text

Epilogue: what’s next

A/N: this isn’t so much an epilogue than a part two but it just fit better to call it one lol. But it’s the final instalment in the Ex-Text so make sure you read the first two. As always, ty for reading this far <3

Prologue (text) / Main (ex) / Epilogue (what’s next)

—————————

It was a bit of a wet morning but I was determined to have a good day. And it’s like the world listened because by the time I got my morning coffee the sun had decided to kiss my skin hello. It was a Friday, I had a weekend of bachelorette festivities—our last girls weekend before Taz officially married next weekend. And I was going to a job I loved after changing roles last year, and getting promoted to the position I’d been chasing after.

It had been a year and 7 months since the night I decided to change. It wasn’t linear by any means but I had a better sense of who I was and what I wanted nowadays. I stuck up for myself, and felt less end-of-the-world if someone didn’t like me. I wasn’t perfect all the time, but things were better.

I’m so excited for tomorrow, I read Taz’s text in the lift up. I’d set up a spa day for the bridesmaids, and then a potentially rowdy evening across a few bars with a scavenger hunt. As the maid of honour I took my duties very seriously. I was friends with most of the invitees either from childhood or through Taz—there were a handful of girls from high school that Taz and I were friends with who I hadn’t seen in a while. It was going to be an interesting weekend.

***

“So YN,” Taz’s cousin slides in beside me wiggling her phone. This was our second pub on the list and she had the lead for the scavenger hunt by two. The group had enough drinks that everyone was loud and comfortable even though not everyone knew each other well. “How far along are you?”

“I’m not playing,” I made the game. I tell her that.

“Oh c’mon!” She looks at the girls sitting near us. “You’re just trying to get out of some of these! Like kiss a stranger, or find a way to write your number on someone’s arm? You’re cheeky with these—find someone to do a musical number with—“

“That’s how I know I’m not winning the hunt,” Felicity says. “I’m shite at dancing.”

“No you was so good back in school,” Taz giggles as she catches up. “Dots was even better, remember when she went with that wanker to the year 11 dance and oh what was his name-“

“I heard my name,” Dots pokes her head through. “You lot are loud.”

“Have you heard them?” Taz’s cousin points to the other end of the table. Someone’s getting a shot poured directly into their mouth.

“Taz are you participating in the hunt?” Felicity waves her phone that has the app pulled up.

“I’m getting married in a week so…only the PG ones.”

“No one’s going to say anything if you do number 7,” Dots winks. I smile uncomfortably, remembering the grip the peer pressure these girls had in high school that lead me to some pretty bad decisions.

“Taz is too much of an angel to do anything like that,” I try to swoop in for her.

“Then you should do it for her.” Dots says, her eyes alight with mischief. “Since you’re not playing. That way the bride-to-be has a chance to win.”

“Yeah!” Felicity jumps right into the plan eagerly. “It’s not like you’re dating someone right?”

“I…”

“I don’t need to win that bad,” Taz tries to come to my rescue but the plan is too enticing for these girls.

“Oh yeah YN you never got back on the horse after…Ethan?” Taz’s cousin mouths the word like he was going to appear if she said it too loud.

“No it’s…” I’m tempted to lie. To look good. Everyone leans in to hear the end of my sentence and I blurt out. “It’s complicated.”

“Ooh what’s that mean?” They move in closer and I feel crushed. I avoid Taz’s eye, she knew I hadn’t dated in forever. Not for lack of wanting, but I found opening myself up to new people was more exhausting than it used to be. Being in one long term relationship after the other, then taking a huge break, now dating felt like learning to walk again.

“Um,” I try to backtrack on the lie. “It’s just complicated but technically I’m not dating someone right now!”

“Wait so you’re not bringing a plus one to the wedding?” Someone asks.

“Well I-“

“You should invite the guy! If he comes you know he’s serious and if he doesn’t…”

“Yeah!” Felicity grabs my arm. “Invite him! I want to see Ethan’s rebound that manwhore.”

“It’s not really a rebound when it’s been years,” Taz says. I agree, but I’m also touched by the vehemence in Fel’s voice when she talks about Ethan.

“Well screw the guy. If he’s complicated, you can kiss anyone you want at any bar you want. So?”

“YN,” Taz’s murmur catches my attention. She shoots me a warning, I had to put my foot down. Not give in because I wanted to please. I should but with this many eyes on me I chicken out.

“Fine. But maybe pick number 7 at the next bar, this group looks uni aged.” I feel Taz’s disappointment beside me.

“So? I had a thing with a 21 year old last summer,” Fels shrugs.

“Ew. Didn’t you feel like his mother?” Taz asks and I laugh, a bit of the pent up energy releasing with it.

“No, he was a big boy. He knew how to take care of himself.” She grins. The topic shifts to her and I think I’m forgotten until the hour hits and we decide to move places.

“Okay YN I know you’ve mapped this all out but if we’re trying to get you a good number 7 I know a better place where I used to live. Last summer actually.” Felicity links her arm through mine as we walk out.

“We know how well that went,” Taz’s cousin teases.

“Exactly! May I? Girls! Change of location on the third cuz Taz has to win tonight-“

“I really don’t want the gift card that badly.” Taz says but it’s drowned out by everyone cheering. God we were all well on our way to drunk.

***

“That one,” someone whispers to me. She points to a tall blonde with a cardigan on.

“Mmm too bookish,” someone else says. Somehow the whole group was debriefed on the way over that I was to have the most epic kiss with a stranger for Taz’s sake. Because even though she had three other missing items on her list, doing this would make her win.

“Well that creep over there just bought me shots,” Taz slurs. We look to where she points, it’s a guy who had been a potential kisser. The group crosses him out as well as the line item on her list. Now she was down to 2 to win.

Felicity had led us to her old local area, one I hadn’t spent much time in but sounded familiar. Even though I’d planned the pub crawl to the detail I had to let go of the control and go with the crowd.

“Okay YN you have to do this now,” Dot says. “You can kill two birds, then Taz is free to win.”

“Doesn’t anyone else want to win?” I ask pathetically.

“No!” The group encourages me. “You need this too YN!”

“Him,” Fels points to a guy sitting at the bar. He’s talking with the bartender who’s laughing at whatever he’s saying. “Look, he’s funny and nice enough to talk to the bartender. He’ll give you a nice smooch.” She kisses my cheek with this statement.

“Oh he’s cute,” Taz says and I glare at her.

“You can’t even see his face.” I tell her.

“Yeah but his hair is nice,” she rubs my cheek where Felicity kissed me. “And his shirt stretches nicely over-“

“Okay bride-to-be,” she was such a traitor.

“What? A girl can’t look?” Taz asks. She wraps an arm around my shoulder and leans in. “You don’t have to do this.”

“I know,” but with all these girls waiting on me to I didn’t have another choice. I just had to get over it. Plus I hadn’t kissed someone in over a year so I wasn’t complaining if he was cute. And Taz was right, from the back he was cute. “Fine.”

I step away from the crowd and they all gasp. They get ready for the show and so do I. I clear my throat, push my shoulders back—my cleavage looked great in this dress so I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt, and head over. My stomach drops with nerves but I take a deep breath and tap the bloke on the shoulder.

My lungs deflate like a released balloon when the face looking back at me is Harry. Harry the ex-texter.

He blinks, then blinks some more. Meanwhile I stand there staring.

“YN!?” Harry turns the barstool to face me. His neck must’ve started cramping.

“I-uh,” I glance back at the girls and they’re all pretending not to stare but it’s a bad attempt. They’re staring.

“It’s you-I-“ Harry stands up, it seems like he was going in for a hug but he thinks better of it almost immediately. “What are you doing here?”

“Hi,” I say lamely. I feel the shame of the last time we spoke. That YN feels like someone else. Someone people manipulated easily. Like him.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” he laughs nervously and his eyes roam up and down my body. He runs his fingers through his hair and looks back. “I think there’s a massive group of women there staring at us? Have you rounded up a gang to kick my-“

“Ignore them,” I quickly take a seat beside where he was sitting. He takes one last glance at them and sits back down.

“Can I get you a drink?”

“No no,” my mind is occupied. I couldn’t kiss him. This was the worst person in the world to have picked, why was he here damnit?

Then I remember why this area was familiar to me. His address was only a street or so over, this is close to where I’d picked him up that day.

“Actually, I’ll do a a vodka soda.”

He orders for me while I try to sort out my thoughts.

“So are you in a cult? Am I some sort of blood sacrifice?” Harry throws another glance over his shoulder.

I finally look at him. He looked good, of course he did. He’d decided to do something about those razor blades—he’d thrown them out; he sports a mustache and stubble. His hair is styled, nicer than it was when I met him. His eyes are murky waters and I don’t look at them too long. I spot the gym bag by his feet, so that’s why his shirt fit so well…

Omg.

“Actually,” I consider what he’d just said. “You’re not too far off.”

“Wait really?” His eyes bug out. “You’re joking.”

“Well the cult is actually a bridal party,” I say. “And the blood sacrifice is a number on our scavenger hunt.”

“Oh,” it dawns on him. “I’m fresh blood. You already have my number, wait is that why you came up to me?”

“No I actually didn’t even know it was you,” I say honestly. “They picked you out from the crowd.”

“Really?” Harry looks back, now intrigued that this group of women found him fit enough to pick out.

“Don’t let it get to your head,” I roll my eyes. My drink had landed in front of me so I take a sip.

“Well? You have my number right?” When I just nod he laughs. “Wait. You need something more.”

“Well obviously I’m going to lose this scavenger hunt,” I scowl. “Don’t worry.”

He chuckles and looks to the front, meanwhile I try not to squirm. Being around him wasn’t the best feeling, especially on my way to drunk. I felt hot with embarrassment and yet the intrigue of who he really was still stayed with me. And it stays because even now, despite not trusting him or liking him very much I felt like I had room to just be myself. He was an easy presence despite his baggage. Or maybe because of it.

It seems we were good at silences because we drink without saying a word. It’s like our brains are catching up to our sudden run-in.

“How have you been?” Harry asks quietly.

Fine, I’m going to say automatically. But I answer truthfully. “Alright. Life’s been better but also nobody’s tricked me into going to a cheating ex’s wedding so life’s been a lot worse!”

He laughs awkwardly and clinks his bottle against my glass. “Yeah. I deserve that.”

“Yeah. How about you?”

“Better. A lot better.”

“Good to hear,” I say genuinely. Despite my grievances it was nice to hear he was past whatever he’d been in when we first met.

“I think about you often,” he says while still looking forward. Oh god this felt like being in a car with him. I turn my body towards him and tap my knee against his. He looks at me, like we’re having an actual conversation. “I do. About what I did to you…I’m sorry.”

“Yeah you’ve said.”

“Yeah,” he grimaces. I wasn’t going to let him off the hook so easily. Being manipulated and lied to like that still stung. It was rock bottom for me in a way. “I was a dick. I’m deeply sorry and I’ve thought about how to make it up to you but I thought I should just stop texting you ever. Trust me that was rock bottom for me and you didn’t deserve to be dragged down with me.”

I try not to look surprised when he says it was his rock bottom, like I was thinking seconds earlier.

“You got one thing right,” I tap at his phone. I wasn’t going to tell him I forgave him, or that I understood even though I did. I didn’t like him very much, I didn’t trust him, but I knew he was sorry when he said it.

I remember the wedding—there was something I wanted to apologize for, “Well now that we’re unloading apologies, I am actually sorry for uhm, slapping you that night? That’s not me. And I don’t know where it came from! I feel bad about that.”

His laugh is quiet, to himself. “You shouldn’t be apologizing for anything. Anything at all YN.”

God, the way he says my name is addictive. He said it like everyone else, but in his voice…

“I know. But that crossed a line…”

“Nah don’t worry. Plus I don’t mind when a woman slaps me around a little,” his face splits into a grin when I give him the reaction he was looking for.

“Harry,” I scold. “You’re teaching children with that mouth?”

“That’s why I’m quitting.”

“You’re quitting!?”

“Yep. Phase 3 of my plan, to live the life I want. I’m finishing the school year and looking for a job in my field over the summer.”

“Wow,” I was impressed. “Wow Harry. Good luck with that.”

“Yeah I’ll need it thanks.” The way he looks at me makes me nervous. I think I’ve been single a bit too long. And right on cue he asks: “So YN how about you? Are you still doing your single thing?”

“I feel like you’re still talking about it like you don’t believe in it,” I tell myself to calm down every time he says my name.

“No I-“ he plays with his bottle. “I believe you. I’ve tried it, it’s been good for me. But I started dating again this year and I found I really love that too.”

“Yeah?” I ask him more about it. He tells me he’s dating knowing what he wants now. What kind of woman he’s looking for.

I felt like focusing on myself has helped me with that too. The only issue is I was finding it hard to open myself up to men again.

“I haven’t been dating much,” at all. “But I’m open to it now.”

“Show anyone your mean side lately?” He jokes but in there is a serious question.

“That’s only reserved for you,” I say, then realize how flirty it sounds and clamp down on my tongue. Maybe I should stop drinking. I didn’t even know Harry very well. But when I peek a glance he looks flushed.

I liked this version of Harry better. I wonder if he was like this before, before he had his heart broken, or even before he started dating Vanessa. But I don’t tell him that, I didn’t want him to think we were friends or anything.

We fall into silence again, not an uncomfortable one though. I look at him, he looked the same but different. Like a change had taken place underneath the surface. I imagine he’s studying me the same way. He smiles and I return it.

A body pushing into the side of me interrupts us. Dots is there with Taz and they wave the bartender down for a drink even though they could’ve ordered from the table. I roll my eyes and turn to them.

“Hi,” I look between them. Dots looks mischievous as usual and Taz seems curious.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us YN?” Dots asks.

“Oh, this is Harry,” I eye Taz when I say it. She’s a bit slow but when I introduce them to Harry it dawns on her. Her face darkens as she pinpoints who he is.

“Harry is it?” Taz asks. “I’ve never met a Harry I liked.”

Dots looks over at her like she’s grown another head, clued out and assuming I was still here to kiss him.

“Oh well…” Harry looks just as confused at her sudden intensity. “I hope I can change your mind about that?”

“Too late for that,” she nearly spits out. I watch his eyes widen and then go to me. I’m biting back a smile.

“Taz, right you’re Taz.” He sounds like he remembers her.

“And I’m Dots,” Dots repeats. Poor girl was clueless. “We’re just doing a bachelorette thing and YN seemed to think you were cute enough to ditch us right?”

“Really?” Harry takes pleasure in playing along.

“Well no I—ow!” Dots interrupts me by smashing her elbow into me. I sigh. “Right. Yeah. You were irresistible, I had to ditch my friends for a man like you.”

“Sarcasm,” Harry says just low enough for me to hear. He’s smiling.

“YN you should come back,” Taz tries to grab my arm but Dots is like a pro as she cuts that off.

“No we’re just doing the same thing back there. Talking and drinking. You two enjoy. You should give him your number here.” She drops a sharpie in my hand. “Let’s go Taz.”

I try to warn Taz with my expression, please don’t tell anyone I know him. None of these girls knew I went to Ethan’s wedding, it was an embarrassing story on my timeline I didn’t need to share. I didn’t want them to know the story of how I knew Harry.

“Your friends are scary.”

“I guess,” I turn back to him. My drink was nearly empty and I did think it was time to go back. “I should go back to them.”

“Oh,” he looks disappointed.

“What?”

“I thought we were having a nice time.”

“Yeah well we were catching up. And now my drink’s finished and I’m-“

“I can buy you another?”

“I think I’ve had enough. This is our third place on our night crawl so…”

“Fair.” Harry looks at me like he has something to say. I stand there and wait but in the end he just sighs and sits back down.

“Oh yeah I’m going to write my number,” I grab his arm and pull his sleeve up. Holy muscles. “on your arm. If that’s alright?”

“Sure,” he smiles and his dimples make an appearance. It’s boyish, like we’re teenagers exchanging numbers.

I write it down even though he had it, cap the marker, and look up. We’re so close; his eyes flit to my mouth and away so quickly I almost miss it.

“I’ll get this tattooed,” Harry jokes.

“I’ll change my number if you do,” I warn him. He just shrugs like he didn’t believe me and I shake my head, turning back to my friends.

I get back to a group of disappointed women. They give me a hard time and tell me how upset they are that I don’t care about Taz winning. They try to tell me how good we looked together, how I looked with him.

“We’re not leaving until you kiss him,” Felicity says.

“Leave her alone! He smelled like bad news,” Taz says. She was well past drunk now so no one listens to her.

“Ethan was bad news,” Fels states. “This guy is just a random man you can kiss and invite as a plus one. Have some fun with him. Get back into the pool where all the fish are. C’mon YN we know your dating life is shite!”

“Remind me to never get drunk with you lot,” I stare at them. They were scary. “I gave him my number, at least Taz can cross that out!”

“Wait! Harry!” Everyone begins to shout his name as they spot him leaving behind me.

I catch him turning with a wary expression. He points to himself. The girls shout “Yes!” and earn some dirty looks from the other patrons.

He walks up to our table like a sacrifice to an ancient ritual. “You ladies need something?”

“Yes,” a few voices say but Felicity is the loudest. She points to Taz who has her head down on the table. I should check on her.

“See this beautiful creature here? She’s getting married! Married! And we have a scavenger hunt. And she can almost win! But she needs to kiss someone at the bar. But she’s getting married! And you look decent enough to help this bride-to-be! So YN her wonderful friend is helping out. And she chickened out up there. So she wants to kiss you. Does she have your permission?”

“Does she?” He turns to me. God I was helpless with the pressure around me. My eyes lock onto Harry and I hope he can read the help etched into them.

“This is silly,” I tell him. “We don’t need to do this. I don’t think Taz even cares.”

“I don’t!” I guess she was conscious because she lifts her head to answer me. But everyone crowds her out, her cousin actually guides her head back down.

“You owe her a kiss,” Dots says proudly.

“I owe her a lot actually,” Harry says to me. My heart races as we look at each other.

I would be lying if I said the idea of kissing him doesn’t intrigue me. He was attractive! And his facial hair made him more so. But I didn’t want to complicate anything.

What’s there to complicate? I ask myself. It’s not like he’s in your life. Plus maybe this will be the push to start dating again. Kisses are nice right?

“Okay whatever,” I take a step towards him. “It’s not like this means anything. It’s just a kiss.”

A cheer goes up with the group.

Harry drops his bag to the floor and takes the other step to me. “It doesn’t mean anything?”

“No,” I say more to myself. “It’s just a kiss with a guy.”

“Just a kiss with a guy,” Harry repeats. “If you say so.”

His hand reaches up to my neck and he pulls me gently to him, with his height I crane my face up and his warm lips come down on mine exactly how I imagined it would feel. That’s when I realize I had imagined how he would feel. But it’s too late by then.

It feels like hearing music live for the first time, I can suddenly hear every atom of the song. I can feel it, taste it, even smell the soundwaves pounding through the room. That’s what the kiss feels like. Ultrasonic and consuming as hell.

He’s gentle but I can tell he’s holding back with the way his hand grips the back of my head tight. And that sends my senses into overdrive. Even though his moustache is a bit tickly, he was a really good kisser.

When we part, I laugh because I’m nervous but also he has lipstick on his face.

“That was hot,” someone in the group says but we can’t take our eyes off of each other. I’m trying to remember how to breathe and it seems like Harry is doing the same.

“You have-“ I laugh nervously again and reach up to wipe the lipstick from the side of his mouth. This close his pupils are blown out and it only confirms to me that he was holding back. Because he looks like a man who can barely contain himself.

“Uhm,” he finally breaks his gaze to look at all the women staring. “I hope that was satisfactory enough.”

“That was movie worthy,” everyone begins shouting scores out. Some of then fan themselves with the menu. Harry clears his throat, picks up his bag, does an awkward half-bow, and stiffly nods to me.

“G’night YN.”

“Yeah…thanks.” I didn’t know what to say after having the most intense kiss of my life. To Harry. The ex-texter.

“I need some water after that,” Felicity climbs over me out of the booth and I slide in by Taz.

“I’m sorry,” she wraps her arms around my shoulder. “We have really shitty friends.”

“You have amazing friends,” Dots says. “We just broke YN’s dry spell. Did you see that? That was chemistry YN. That was wow. I hope you got his number.”

“I have it,” I sigh.

I decide I was going to drink more. I didn’t want to remember this night anymore.

***

It’s the Friday after and I’m at work, it’s a slow day so I’m scrolling through my phone when a notification pops up.

Hi

It was Harry.

Hi. I text back. I’d been thinking about him a lot this week, about the kiss, and about dating again. I wouldn’t admit it to my friends but it was a reminder that chemistry existed somewhere out there.

I don’t want our whole relationship to be wedding crashing so I want to run something past you.

???

Your friend Felicity invited me to Taz’s wedding. Tomorrow. She said you knew but you haven’t texted me all week so I think she’s setting you up?

I couldn’t believe it. I text Felicity and she responds immediately with a kissy emoji and a tongue sticking out.

I’m sorry I didn’t know, Fels just confirmed. You don’t need to come she’s just on this mission to get me a date.

She said you have a flaky boyfriend?

Oh my god the lie had spread. So embarassing, I was going to strangle Fels.

Really I’m alright. Sorry about that.

I would like to see you again. Even if it’s at a wedding. But I’ll only go if you invite me.

Wow. I read the message another time then put my phone away. What was I supposed to do?

I take my phone into the toilets and call Taz. She picks up, it sounds like she’s in a car.

“Hi you free?”

“Yeah I’m just getting back from the salon, what’s going on?”

I tell her. I tell her it all, the conversation Harry and I had and how I was feeling and what Felicity did.

“That one does not know how to keep her nose out of people’s businesses.”

“I know,” I groan. “I could not invite him and get a million questions from everyone who knows Fels invited him. And I keep him out of my life. Which is fine because I barely know him (even though that kiss felt like I’ve known him for all of eternity). But if I invite him, I’m telling him I’m okay with what he did to me. That we’re okay.”

“YN listen,” she sighs. She says something to someone on her end and I hear a car door close. “Look—sorry just getting in. You’re not that person anymore. I don’t trust him more than you do but just tell him that. So he knows you’re only taking him to get everyone to shut up. Like…use him as a date like he used you.”

“Hm,” that was a good point. “Yeah. That could actually work?”

“Really? I thought I was just saying shite,” Taz laughs. “Okay I really have to go my in-laws are here. Are you alright?”

“Yeah yeah you focus on your stuff. I’ll be by this evening.”

“Love you, bye!”

I call Harry immediately after. He doesn’t pick up so I go back to my desk and consider what to text him when he calls back.

“YN I was still in class sorry.”

“Oh god sorry I forgot!” I look at the time. “Sorry I just assumed you were free.”

“No it’s alright,” he answers. “Are you calling about tomorrow?”

“Yeah…” my mouth is suddenly parched. I get up and walk away from where people could hear me. “So, the thing is my friends are giving me a hard time because I don’t have a date and all that. So sort of the way you used me as a date at that wedding, I could use you at this one. Like if would be doing me a favour?” I cringe as the words come out.

“Oh. Sure…yeah if you want.” He sounds…offended?

“Like if we’re being honest we’ve not really spoken since that night. And I have no reason to trust you and whatever. So this is just…”

“Returning the favour.” He puts it simply.

“Yeah? Yeah! Right. Exactly.” Why was this coming out so horribly.

“I get it,” he says. “I’m glad we talked. I’d be happy to be your plus one tomorrow.”

“Perfect,” I find myself smiling.

***

Taz’s wedding is a dream. An absolute dream. I tell her a million times after the ceremony and I gush to her how much I love her and am proud of her during speeches. Her bridesmaids give their toast, and every person who was at the bachelorette makes sure to tease me about bringing Harry who had been nothing but supportive tonight. He stuck to himself when I was doing maid-of-honour duties, and squeezed my hand encouragingly before my speech because public speaking was not my favourite thing. I had to admit it was nice to have someone here just for me. It had been a while.

When Taz told me she got engaged a couple years ago I always thought it would be Ethan by my side. It was weird that Harry was here, because of Ethan, but also the way he came to be here.

“Hi!!” I shout at Harry after doing shots with the bridesmaids. I was officially tipsy but most of the major wedding traditions were over. We were waiting for the cake cutting and bouquet toss and the first dance. And then it was all fun.

“Hi,” he holds out an arm to guide me to my seat.

“I hate these heels,” I unstrap my feet and groan when I put my feet on the bare floor. “That feels sooo good.”

“Hi!” A chirpy voice says to my right. I peek an eye open and groan again, Felicity has joined the table.

“Hi, Felicity right?” Harry says.

“Fels,” she nudges me. “You glad he came?”

“Whatever,” I shrug.

“She’s happy you came,” Fels tries to make up for my rudeness. “She’s not usually this rude.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Harry says. I cut him a look.

“Oh no she’s very nice. She’s just a bit grumpy probably all the maid of honour duties,” she tries to convince a Harry that’s just sharing an inside joke with me. It does something to me.

“It’s okay,” I put a hand on Fels’. “He’s teasing. I’m allowed to be rude to him.”

Harry laughs and Felicity realizes too late she was sitting in on two people that didn’t need her help to get along.

“Well I’m going to find my date, play nice!”

“Nice suit,” I tug at Harry’s lapels once she’s gone. It was nicer than what he wore the last time we met.

“I borrowed it from a friend. I only have one suit and…well you’ve seen it.”

“Teachers don’t wear suits to work?” I tease.

“Thank god no.” His eyes roam over my bridesmaid dress, an off the shoulder sage dress that honestly reminded me of a folky tinkerbell. “You look beautiful.”

“Flattery won’t get you extra points.” I say whilst flattered. The dress had also reminded me of the colour of his eyes when he greeted me today. Now his eyes stay on me all evening.

The announcement for cake cutting goes off so I walk with Harry to watch. Taz looked beautiful in her embroidered dress and she glows even while narrowly missing cake all over her face. Everyone toasts and she readies for a bouquet toss.

“You’re standing here,” Taz’s cousin centres me. “Because there’s no way I’m catching that.”

“I don’t even have a boyfriend,” I say but the other girls crowd me so I stay put. The bouquet is tossed high and I don’t make much of an effort but it glances off the hand in front of me and lands on me. I squish it against me to keep it from falling.

“YN!” My friends tease me and I hold it up in mock excitement. Taz laughs from up front and I go up to hug her, I’m handed another flute of champagne and I toss it back with my best friend.

“YN’s next,” one of the bridesmaid says. “Cheers!”

I get another drink and down it with the girls. I can’t stop laughing about it. I try to look out for Harry to see how he feels about the bouquet but he must be in a darker corner. I don’t spot him.

I refuse the next drink pushed my way and move to my seat as the couple gets ready for their first dance. Harry’s not there but he sits down shortly after I do.

“Look!” I show him the bouquet. “I caught it!”

“I saw,” he smells the flowers. “I got a picture of you.”

“Let me see!” I hold my hand out and wait for him to find it.

“Oh my god,” I laugh as I zoom into my face as the flowers hit me. “Look at my face! And look at her! This is a great pic…” the words die on my lips. I’d accidentally swiped to the camera roll zooming out and I see dozens of photos of me.

“Oh,” Harry takes the phone from me. “Is that creepy? Sorry I was taking photos to send you since you’re busy having fun I-“

I feel tears threaten my makeup and I clench my mouth closed. Despite all the drinks I suddenly feel incredibly sobered.

I take his phone back and swipe through, he recorded my speech and took a million photos of me with Taz. My chin trembles.

“Hey I’m sorry,” Harry takes the phone back. “I didn’t mean to upset you I’ll delete-“

“No!” I stop him. “Don’t. I want all of them.”

“Why are you…” his confusion is all over his face. “Are you upset?”

“No,” I blink away any tears. “Sorry. No. I’m okay! I’m alright.”

It was stupid but Ethan never took photos of me. Even on important days like birthdays, Christmas, holidays. I had a million candid photos of him but I had to beg and remind him for photos of me. Harry took so many without even asking, just because he knew I would want to look back on the memories I was making. It was such a basic thing to do but it felt like the world to me in this moment.

“Thank you.” I say when he doesn’t make a move. “Honestly thank you. Sorry, ignore what my face is saying! But make sure you send every single one okay?”

“Yeah I will,” he promises. He swipes a fallen tear with a gentle smile. I draw back from his touch and use a napkin to dab at my eyes instead.

“YN you know I’m really sorry,” he says just as the first song comes on.

“No I’m fine!” I shift my chair to face the dancefloor. I position it slightly ahead of Harry so he leans forward to speak to me.

“I mean about the other wedding we went to.”

“Yeah I-“ he looks serious so I stop what I was saying. I turn slightly so I can look at him. “Can we talk about it later?”

“Yeah,” he shakes his head. “I didn’t mean to…”

“Okay,” I smile and turn back to admire the couple but I can sense the emotional turmoil beside me. I push my chair back enough to be side by side with Harry. I lean my head on his shoulder as I watch the married couple dance the first dances of many. When Harry puts his arm around me, his thumb rubs my shoulder. A finger pokes my arm and Dots face pops in beside me to waggle her eyebrows. Was everyone watching me with Harry tonight?!

When the DJ invites everyone else onto the dancefloor I pull Harry up.

“So what was it you were saying?” I ask as we wrap arms around each other.

“I like you a lot YN. A lot. Even when we first met, I started liking you right when you returned my bullshit with sarcasm. You rolled with all my jokes. It was a breath of fresh air.”

I don’t say anything; he had more to say.

“I wish I didn’t do what I did. I sabotaged everything because I was hung up over the wrong girl. And now I’m just a guy to you. A guy you kissed once, I’m just a favour returned.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” I ask.

“Just in case you felt anything, if you thought we could…”

“Harry you lied to me. Embarrassed me. You weren’t a very nice person.”

“I know-“

“I do like this Harry better.”

“Uhm,” he thinks. “Thanks. It’s old Harry, before my life went to hell. Old Harry mixed with some lessons learned. I’m telling you I was at rock bottom when I did what I did.”

“I believe you.” I did.

He sighs in relief. “Thank you.”

We dance quietly for a bit. Until I speak, “I’m trying not to date losers.”

He flexes his jaw, fixating on a spot behind my shoulder.

“I thought you were one,” I tell him honestly. “But I’m not so sure now. But this feels like asking a lot Harry I…”

“You don’t need to respond now,” he urges. “Just think about it.”

“I can’t,” I was terrified of agreeing to a relationship that would hurt me all over again. “I do like you Harry but I don’t know if I can agree to what you want…”

The truth was that Harry was showing me that the glimpses I’d gotten of him throughout the last week were more telling, more consistent than the guy he was when we first met. I was deathly afraid of getting hurt again, and I’m not sure I was willing to take the risk. If that kiss was any indication, I know Harry was telling the truth on his end but I didn’t want a relationship with a guy who started it off by lying.

“I’m-excuse me,” Harry stops mid-dance and walks away. I feel awful but I let him go, watch him disappear to the lobby, and I sit back in my seat. Dots tries to wave me by but I ignore her. The lump in my throat sits heavily and I feel like shit. Especially when a few dances later Harry returns and announces he was going home early. His face is splotchy and it feels awful.

“Are you sure?” I ask him.

“Yeah,” he holds my arm. “Thank you for tonight, and again I’m really sorry about everything.”

I just pull him into a hug, with no words equivalent to what I should say. He squeezes once and lets go.

“Tell Taz thank you for the invite. I’ll see you around.”

“Okay…bye Harry.”

That’s the last I see of him. I head right to the drinks and drink enough to feel okay. I dance with my friends and get as many pictures as my phone can handle in.

At the end of the night I go home to an empty flat and drunkenly download all the dating apps I swore off of. Swiping through like a catalogue, by the time I wake up the next morning I’m well on my way back to the dating scene.

***

I stare at the man in front of me. His profile on the app was exactly the kind of guy I was looking for. And he’d actually made me laugh a few times tonight which was a bonus. But something feels like it’s missing—they all have this last month as I became a serial dater. I was really putting myself out there but nobody made it past date two.

“So how about heading out?” He asks after the bill.

“Yeah! Sure,” I grab my purse and we walk out. He grabs my hand as we step out.

“Want to share a ride?”

“Are we going to the same place?” I ask.

“If you want,” he pulls my hand and places it on his shoulder. He was cute, I could kiss him.

And I do, but it’s just a kiss. Just two mouths kissing. I don’t feel the spark, or the passion.

“Actually,” I pull away. “I forgot I have an early morning meeting so I think I should behave and head home by myself.”

“Oh,” he looks disappointed. “Well maybe we can do something on Friday?”

“Yeah I’ll text you?”

He pecks my lips, “Sounds good.”

I get a car and as I drive away from the date my hands stray to my lips. I remember another kiss, and then I slam the door shut on it. You can’t keep comparing all your kisses to that one!

Except the thing about telling my mind not to think about something, I do. I think about Harry, and question myself like I have been ever since the wedding if I made the wrong choice. Did I push him away too quickly, out of fear? Am I protecting myself or just scared?

I open the text exchange between us like I do weekly and hover my fingers over the keyboard. What do I say? What could I say?

I scroll to the top of the conversation and find his address and plug it into my phone. I was 18 minutes away.

“Excuse me could I change the drop off?” I ask the taxi driver. “I had a change of plans.”

He asks me where and he knew the area enough to take the left and head in that direction.

That was very impulsive. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that?

Adrenaline courses through my body as I pray that he still lived in the same place. What was I going to say?

My leg bounces up and down as I stare out the window, biting down on my lip. This was stupid, I made him bloody cry the last time I saw him. Then again I cried the time before that. Were we equal? Was I twisted enough to think this could all work?

I nearly jump out of the taxi after paying and walk to the front door. Of course, you needed a key card.

With shaking fingers I call Harry.

“Hello?”

I freeze. He was out, the sounds of people and music give that away.

“YN? Is that you?”

I was so stupid! Why did I do this?

“YN?” Now Harry sounds worried. I take a deep breath.

“Sorry! Wrong number. I meant to call som-“

“YN are you alright? Is everything okay?”

The background noise disappears. He must have stepped out.

“Yes sorry to worry you!” I squeak. “Everything’s fine.”

“Why did you call?” He asks as I ask “What are you doing right now?”

We laugh. Harry tells me, “You first.”

“It was an accident…”

“Oh well…a good accident.” I can hear his smile through the phone. “I was just grading final tests at my local pub.”

His local pub…that meant he was close by. I think. My heart picks up speed. “Oh! Is that something you do often?”

“Yeah some of these papers remind me why I’m quitting this job. So I drink to get through them.”

“Giving up on the youth of tomorrow?” I ask. I spot a bench a little ways away and head to it, next to a bike rack.

“Yes!” Harry laughs. “They’ve given up on me too. They’s all assholes nobody listens to me.”

“I would’ve liked to have you as a teacher,” I go for flirting. “None of my grade school teachers were good looking. I could’ve used a distraction.”

“So you’re admitting that I’m good looking,” Harry says just as I spot him heading to his door.

“Yeah in your grey t-shirt, I think so.”

I watch as he whips his head around and scans the area until he spots me.

“I lied,” I get up and wave at him. “I came by to see you but I was embarrassed when you weren’t home.”

“Why-“ his voice sticks. “Why did you come to see me?”

“Well,” by now we’re close enough that I could shout to him but I still use the phone. “I thought about what I said that night and I think I was too harsh.”

“And?” Harry stares at me as I walk up to him.

“And I want to believe that a second impression can be just as important as a first.”

He’s alight in a second, hope injected into his features. I stop a few feet away from him.

“I’ll take that. I’ll take it.”

“Okay,” I move in closer, lowering my phone. My eyes are on his lips and I don’t care that how badly I want to kiss him is plain as day. Because in the moment he reaches for me I know he wants this just as bad.

My mind is wiped clean when he kisses me—I kind of hate myself of a month ago for denying me of this all this time.

It’s indecent, the way we kiss out there. When my mind returns to my body I push him away, flushed and nervous.

“Should we take this up to your place?”

“Why? Are you getting shy?” He teases.

“Your neighbours are getting free entertainment,” I’m out of breath as I talk and this seems to make Harry smile even harder. He presses a hard kiss to me and then leads me by the hand up to his flat. We’re on each other with every pause we take, it’s gross and unlike me but I’m just too happy to stop. The spark, the passion, everything I’d been looking for is here.

“Can I uh,” Harry closes the door behind us as I continue kissing him, my lips finding any part of him. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Sure,” I watch him unbutton my cardigan. “I’ll take a tall glass of whatever you’re serving.”

He smirks and pulls me back in. I jump when he tells me to and he carries me to wherever his bedroom is. I’m barely in the right state of mind to notice anything as I get lost in us. In the way his hands hold me, and the way his moustache feels on my skin. Maybe it’s been a while or maybe it was him but having this after so long makes it taste sweeter than it ever had.

***

“Happy six months,” Harry wraps his arms around me from behind. I’m making us coffee, we were up especially early because we were making the trip to see Harry’s family for the holidays. Usually this is when I went to Taz’s but this year she’d urged me to spend the time with my boyfriend’s family.

She’d been suspicious when I first told her about Harry. But when she saw how happy I was she’d given it her blessings (and I’m pretty sure threatened Harry with some dismemberment). I hadn’t had a big Christmas in a while, and Harry said he had more family coming into town. I was nervous to meet so many new people, people that meant a lot to Harry. But he assured me everyone would love me.

“Happy six month,” I reach up to peck his lips and settle against him. He hums as he tightens his arms around me. I couldn’t believe this was my life now, I was happier than I ever dared to think I could be. I never knew a relationship could be so complementing, so grounding.

Despite our rocky start, that Harry and I had discussed in depth when we first started dating, we were mostly smooth sailing. The way I saw it we met as two damaged people. Somehow we parted from there and ran like parallel lines until we were straightened out enough to meet again. And now we ran together as a pair of lines.

“I’m so lucky,” Harry presses a kiss to my temple, thinking the same thing I had been. “I’m the luckiest guy in the world YN. You make me the luckiest guy in the world.”

“Then that would make me Mrs. Luckiest-Guy-in-the-World,” I joke as I turn in his embrace.

“I’d like that,” he strokes my cheek. “I’m excited to introduce you to everyone tonight.”

“That makes one of us.”

“YN I promise there’s nothing to be nervous about. They already love you because they know you’re the reason I’ve been so…me.”

I swallow the ball of emotion in my chest. We were both just us around each other. No fuss, no pretending. Just us. It wasn’t something I could share with my own family, they barely knew what I was really like. Harry had met my parents separately when they were in town a couple months ago. They’d liked him, but they also liked Ethan so it wasn’t saying much.

“I trust you,” I hold his face in my hands. “Fine.”

“Good,” his hand rubs my back. He pulls me into his chest, crushing me against him until the coffee goes off.

“Thanks love,” Harry says as I hand him a mug.

We chat about nothing as we take our coffees to the couch where we sit snuggled. I feel safe here, it’s a good feeling, a feeling that felt so overwhelmingly new sometimes that it made me want to cry. Which always made Harry laugh.

“I can’t wait to spend this new year together,” I tell him.

“Me too,” his lips press softly onto my temple. “I’m finally excited about the future. I’m doing a job I like and dating a woman I love.”

“I’m happy for us.” I smile up at him.

We sit snuggled on the couch as we sip our morning coffee. I savour everything about this moment.

With Harry life was stable, it was good. I knew I would never pick up my phone and find a text so life-shattering like the ex-text had done to me; I know it was impossible to predict the future but somehow I could tell you that I had a good feeling about it.

———————————

TAGLIST: @tiaamberxx @cherryshouse

[jovialmoonprincess]

AU: Journey to Redemption (Part 10)

Death By a Thousand Cuts - Part I

First Part. / The Winter Ball / Champagne Problems / Frost and Thorns / The Storm Within / In Silence, We Crumble / Loving him was Red / Paired Again / During the Storm / Death By a Thousand Cuts - Part I

Coriolanus Snow x Fem!reader

Summary: Clemensia's plan

Warning(s): None, enemy to lovers, back in time, destiny, Snow being in love, Snow being Snow, possible grammar and spelling mistakes

It was on a cold morning that Clemensia was summoned to Dr. Gaul's office. She was worried about what would happen, as the woman had attempted to assassinate her some time ago. She sat quietly and waited for Dr. Gaul to start the conversation, holding her breath.

"Rest easy, Miss Dovecote, today's matter has nothing to do with you." Clemensia settled into her seat with interest and some relief.

"Actually, I brought you here to learn a little more about Coriolanus's state. I've been very concerned about young Mr. Snow." Clemensia looked away, confused.

"You see, I've noticed some movement between him and Y/N lately. Something that didn't happen before, especially since I remember them competing fiercely during high school," Dr. Gaul continued, rising and gesturing calmly. "And the academic environment is made of this. After all, only one can be in first place. I confess I saw potential in the girl for a moment, but Mr. Snow was born to lead and won my affection from the first moment. This makes me feel responsible for ensuring that no external influence hinders him on this journey." Clemensia wondered if Dr. Gaul saw her as a threat as she saw Y/N, but she probably wouldn't be in this room if that were the case.

"Do you understand? Coriolanus never paid much attention to the ideological nonsense that Sejanus expressed," she changed to an expression of disgust. "But now, that girl. She might take advantage of a boy's feelings in adolescence to rise to power." Clemensia was finally understanding. Dr. Gaul feared that Y/N might create a strong bond with Snow with an interest in his future position.

"She's using him," the girl finally spoke with a weak voice. The doctor nodded. The girl was already excited about the idea that Dr. Gaul might be giving her permission to end Y/N. In fact, she saw the ideological sense in the doctor's words. She wanted Coriolanus not to get involved with Y/N because she was a revolutionary like Sejanus. Not as explicitly as him, but it was clear from afar that someone like her would be a danger to the Capital.

"The impudence of Y/N and Sejanus irritates me, and as the person responsible for the Hunger Games, I cannot let either of them get close to Coriolanus and influence him negatively." "I need a girl who is not afraid to take the lead in the games. One who is not weak and who understands the real meaning of all this," Dr. Gaul was now very close to Clemensia.

"And this is where you come in, my dear."

"How can I help?"

"Separate the two immediately, and who knows, one day you might be the First Lady of Panem," the tone was now more serious and cold. "Or watch the country's decline at the hands of people who advocate the overthrow of the districts," the doctor finished.

Clemensia walked through the school corridors, her mind working frantically as she tried to devise a plan to separate Y/N from Coriolanus. She knew it wouldn't be easy to manipulate the boy's feelings, but she was determined to do whatever was necessary to win him over. As she pondered her options, Clemensia remembered all the moments she had observed Coriolanus from afar, admiring his intelligence, determination, and beauty. She had always considered him a role model, both as a human being and as a student. Now, she saw an opportunity to turn that admiration into something more.

Upon leaving Dr. Gaul's room, Clemensia already had an initial outline of her plan. She knew she needed to get Coriolanus to collaborate with her in the scene she was going to set up for Y/N, but how to convince him to participate? The answer came to her when she thought about how to manipulate Coriolanus's emotions. She knew that Coriolanus cared deeply for Y/N and that it would be difficult to convince him to believe that Y/N no longer cared for him. But then, an idea emerged in her cunning mind: she could create a situation where Coriolanus would misinterpret Y/N's signals, leading him to believe that she was not who he thought she was.

Clemensia watched Y/N and Sejanus talking in the school cafeteria, but she knew that just a simple conversation would not be enough to arouse the jealousy she desired in Coriolanus. She needed something more dramatic, something that would leave an indelible mark on his mind. She knew that Y/N did not usually approach Coriolanus unless they were forced to, as in pair assignments. Now, this was normal. With a false smile, Clemensia broke the silence at the table,

"Coryo, you should see how close Y/N and Sejanus are now. It seems like they're having a lot of fun together. Maybe you're losing your place." Coriolanus, confused by the girl's statement, looked around for Y/N and Sejanus. The girl was laughing and chatting animatedly with the boy. He tried to dismiss the thought and just shrugged.

"I don't see anything different, the two are friends."

"Oh, I don't know, I think they would make a good couple. The two are kind of revolutionary, you know, they have a very similar history, right?" She ended by asking the other boys at the table. Everyone agreed, and the topic of the table became Sejanus and Y/N. Just as Clemensia wanted. When class started, Clemensia hurried to Dr. Gaul's room. She would ask for her help to continue her plan.

Y/N went to the bathroom, and when she returned to the classroom, she found a note in her place. It read: "Y/N, meet me in the auditorium immediately, it's important. - Sejanus." Confused but concerned about the urgent tone of the message, she headed to the indicated location, only to encounter Sejanus, as perplexed as she was about the situation.

"Y/N! What happened? Are you okay?" he asked worriedly.

"I'm fine. But what about you? Why did you call me here?" Y/N was lost.

"I didn't call you, you called me. You wrote this note here," Sejanus showed in his hand, the small note, identical to the one in her pocket. The only difference was his signature underneath. The revelation that neither of them had written the note left them perplexed and uneasy, not understanding what was happening.

"Let's go back to the classroom, it must have been just some bad taste joke," Sejanus concluded. Y/N was too confused, she had a bad feeling about this. But she followed the boy back to the classroom in silence.

They arrived in time for Dr. Gaul's class. They sat down, but before they could think more about the matter, they were surprised by a message from the principal over the loudspeakers: "Urgent: All students and teachers gather in the hall of the teachers' room." The tension in the air was palpable as everyone gathered at the indicated location. The principal, accompanied by some staff, had a somber expression as he revealed to everyone the terrible message, written in red ink in large letters, on the teachers' lockers:

"LIVE THE REVOLUTION AGAINST THE CAPITAL!! DOWN WITH THE GAMES!!"

The silence that followed was deafening, each gaze seeking answers amid the growing chaos.

----------

The silence that followed was deafening, each gaze seeking answers amid the growing chaos.

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[shioaoi]

​*Leans back in armchair, sipping my tea*

Let me explain how both Blacksun and Bumbleby are fully canon; how Blacksun wasn’t erased to make way  for the Bees, and that actually it is an excellent showcase in character growth in an overarching narrative that we don’t normally see.

I do not think that Bumbleby was planned from RWBY’s conception – however I do believe that them being in a relationship makes sense considering the natural progression of both Blake and Yang’s character arcs.

Often, various narrative based media fall into the trap of tailoring a story and its characters to fit a planned ending – even if the characters have evolved into completely different people from when that ending was conceptualised.

The most well known example of this is happening was with How I Met Your Mother (bare with me, this is relevant). Due to the fact that the actors casted as Ted’s children were going to continue growing, they recorded many of their scenes in the earlier seasons – including the ending, which involved Ted and Robin becoming a couple at the end. The show ended up running for a total of nine seasons, and through those episodes, us as the viewers are shown time and time again the toxicity of Ted and Robin’s relationship, and the eventual build-up of Robin and Barney’s relationship. Heck, the entire final season is set during Barney and Robin’s wedding! These characters had evolved way past what had been planned for them at the shows conception, but instead of changing the ending to reflect the character’s growth, the show runners threw all that development away in order to shoehorn the characters into the planned ending.

You could also argue the same thing happened with Game of Thrones – but I digress.

So, where am I going with this in regard to Blake and her favourite blondes.

Sun is introduced in V1 to be the perfect foil to Blake (just look at their Semblance’s). Sun is outgoing, carefree and open about his Faunus identity, in contrast to Blake’s silent, untrusting and closed off nature. Throughout the Beacon arc, Sun is there to help Blake navigate things post Adam. While Yang, Weiss and Ruby teach Blake to open up, have friends and enjoy life – Sun acts as her connection to the part of her most tainted by Adam’s action, her Faunus heritage and the White Fang. It��s the classic sunshine vs grump troupe, and if RWBY was a typical high school anime then I would imagine Blacksun being endgame.

But that isn’t the kind of show RWBY is.

Beacon is destroyed, partly at the hands of Adam – the man who abused Blake; groomed her; took away the White Fang from her father, corrupting it and what it stood for. He reaffirms everything he had made Blake believe and severed Yang’s arm – her huntress partner – as payback for Blake leaving him.

In this broken state, Blake does the only thing she is capable of doing in. She runs.

And Sun follows.

Sun is the only one who could have helped Blake when she is was in this mental state. He follows her because he loves and cares for her, and he can see past Adam’s abuse to who Blake really is when she is incapable of doing so. Like I said, the perfect foil. While bless him, Sun only has one braincell and no impulse control, every single action he does is out of love for Blake.

He helps balance out Blake’s worse tendencies, and that support allows her to learn to accept herself and find what she had once lost.

And Blake recognises this. Even if in the moment she gets annoyed by him, their goodbye in V6 shows that Blake is thankful for all Sun has done and reciprocate his feelings.

But relationships are a partnership, and both Sun and Blake are treading very different paths. You can be in love and also realise when a relationship has run its course.

To quote a rather dumb show – “It wasn’t pointless. It’s just over.”

This storyline is over. Sun wants to find his own identity as the leader of SSSN and Blake doesn’t need him by her side to help her shake free of Adam’s abuse. The characters have evolved past their need for one another. Their bond is unbreakable even if their chance at romance fades away.

Sun is an instrumental part to Blake’s character arc that doesn’t get erased by the ending of their relationship. It is the unconditional love that Sun has for Blake that allows her to find it within herself to love herself and to heal.

So, now we move onto Yang.

Yang and Blake are partners. We are shown constantly throughout the show that partnerships between hunters and huntresses are just as important – if not even more so – as teams. They are forced to forge a bond and place their lives in one another’s hands time and time again.

Adam frays the bonds of this partnership by reigniting all of Blake’s trauma and self-hatred, followed by him taking away Yang’s arm and with it her confidence. Instead of having one another to lean on, Blake flees in fear and Yang is left trying to figure out who she is and what to do next that the easy path is gone.

When they are reunited at the end of V5 / beginning of V6, they are settling themselves into their new mental states post V4/V5 character arcs. They are forced to rebuild their partnership from the ground up, only this time its different. This time they are choosing this partnership and one another. There is no Ospin or Beacon Academy; they had a chance to take different roads but they choose to continue forward together. This is a much more solid base for a relationship to form, and because of their shared trauma and history, they have a lot deeper insight into one another’s strengths and weaknesses.

The formation of their new partnership cumulates perfectly with their fight against Adam, where they both face the source of their trauma and defeat it together.

From there we move onto V7. Now that the bond is fully reforged, we get to see the softer, dorkier moments like we did with Blacksun in V1-V3. The romance is blossoming to the surface and it is now noticeable for the other characters to see.

Then in V8, when the group becomes divided by ideals, Blake and Yang understand each other well enough to not take the other’s stance in the divide personally and it does not impact their love for one another – in stark contrast to Renora when it almost drives the two apart.

And now we have reached V9, where all the pieces are now in place. A strong partnership, complete understanding and acceptance of each other and love that can withstand.

In media – particularly anime style narratives – there is always the expectation that a character can only fall in love once. The inclusion of multiple love interests is often only there to add drama, backstory or angst.

But that is not the case here. Both Blacksun and Bumbleby are healthy, canon, romantic relationships. All that happened was – as the narrative developed and Blake went through her character arcs, she outgrew her relationship with Sun and grew into her relationship with Yang.

Beacon arc Blacksun is vastly different from the Haven Arc Blacksun – the same way the Beacon Arc Bumbleby is vastly different from the Atlas Arc Bumbleby.

I believe that Bumbleby wouldn’t nearly be as important a sapphic ship if it hadn’t been given the chance for the girls to evolve into the people they are now. It is happy, healthy – its earned.

And it being earned wasn’t at the erasure of Blacksun, but at the evolution of the characters.

[richincolor]

Book Review: Where Was Goodbye

Title: Where Was Goodbye?

Author:  Janice Lynn Mather

Genres:  Contemporary

Pages: 304

Publisher: Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers

Review Copy: ARC by publisher

Availability: Available April 30th

Summary: Karmen is about to start her last year of high school, but it’s only been six weeks since her brother, Julian, died by suicide. How is she supposed to focus on school when huge questions loom: Why is Julian gone? How could she have missed seeing his pain? Could she have helped him?

When a blowup at school gets Karmen sent home for a few weeks, life gets more things between her parents are tenser than ever, her best friend’s acting like a stranger, and her search to understand why Julian died keeps coming up empty.

New friend Pru both baffles and comforts Karmen, and there might finally be something happening with her crush, Isaiah, but does she have time for either, or are they just more distractions? Will she ever understand Julian’s struggle and tragedy? If not, can she love—and live—again?

Review: “Where Was Goodbye” is the first novel I’ve read by Janice Lynn Mather and based on how much I enjoyed this novel, I want to go back and read her first two novels. Where Was Goodbye is a rich story that is full of so many meaningful themes as we journey with Karmen who is trying to make sense of her brother’s suicide. What I feel like this novel does best is show how the variety of ways people respond to grief and how relationships can grow and change based on that grief. 

The bulk of the story takes over a short span of time, about a week and a half, and boy does Karmen go through a lot. Her family is still deeply grieving her brother Julian’s death, but her father has decided that with her senior year of school starting, the family should be working towards normal. Unfortunately Karmen is clearly not ready and on her second day of school has an incident that sends her home. This sends Karmen on a journey to attempt to get into her brother’s head and figure out why he chose to end his life. I actually felt for Karmen because she was clearly feeling guilty about not figuring out something was wrong with her brother, and this guilt was displayed by decisions that were probably not very healthy. Her relationship with her best friend, Layla, becomes strained as Karmen desperately wants to be treated normally but Layla is that “well-meaning” person whose attempts at comfort actually hurt more. She’s at odds with her father because he thinks she should be back to normal, not realizing how Karmen is forever changed by the death. Karmen’s mother is so mired in her own grief that she is missing the grief of her daughter. All of the usual supports that Karmen would have had fail her and she is left to find her own, and her idea is to learn more about her brother’s inner thoughts. I actually liked this part of the story as I understand how sometimes what you need to heal is answers and even though you may never get the answer you need, the journey itself is healing. Through looking for her brother she learns how much he was loved at the History department he belong to at his university; she learned he had written an article and was published; and learned about who he was to his friends. This search for her brother, knowing him, and accepting the secret parts of him that she didn’t know helped her find her voice to ask for the help she really needed. 

In addition to traveling with Karmen in her journey to find her brother, Mather includes flashbacks throughout the story to moments with Karmen and her brother. I absolutely loved most of those moments because it fleshed out Karmen’s relationship with her brother for the reader, rather than the relationship being told to us. They little jokes they had, the way they mischievously worked together at times, really showed how much Karmen is hurting and made me really connect with her. 

“Where Was Goodbye” is a beautiful novel that is all about relationships and how one act can change everything. It deals with the ones who are left behind and how they move to heal. 

[xtrablak674]

Finding Your Tribe

Initially I had come across the image during my morning Tumblr'ing, and as I was wont to do I was doing a reverse image search to find a higher quality version of the image. I mean if I am going to download smut, better have a good-looking version of said smut. During my search I had come across the young man's Twitter account and prayed to my goddess that I wouldn't have to scroll long to get to the image I was looking for.

The thing about scrolling through someone's social media is you get a sense of the person, even if it's a highly curated and polished version. Its the version that they would like the world to see. One thing that became immediately apparent to me is that this curly-haired light-eyed sort of middling looking young man had found his tribe.

His "friends", because I am not sure what the kids are calling them these days, especially when the lines between plutonic and sexual were so clearly blurred, were clearly of the same tribe. Young people and others who had similar sexual interest and also loved documenting their merry-making in photographs, gifs and videos. Celebrating their lust and loves in a very public fashion. It had me very curious what these misfits did for work, because clearly they didn't care that their faces with dick in mouth were on very open display for all to see.

I could map the similar aesthetic between them, artsy but alternative, definitely not the main-stream gays that colour places like Chelsea but the on-the-edge queers who would exist in places like Bushwick barely boarding on being hipsters but divergent enough to be their own sub-genre of gay. Whereas a Manhattan gay may brag about wearing Prada and Louis Vuitton these ones would thrive in a new piece thrifted at L Train Vintage, never caring for those luxury brands but finding solace in their grandfather's old boots or jacket, paired with their grandma's pearls.

After watching the twelfth episode of Tracker last night where Colter finally met up with his wayward and possibly murderous older brother Russell, this made me think of the last time I had a tribe to speak of. And it would be back when my mom was still alive and I lived with my two younger siblings. It was the only time in my life I had a true connection to someone else around me, and albeit after her passing and our separation I would never truly find anything remotely the same.

In college I had a "crew" of sort largely based around the terraces where I lived my freshman year at this private college in upstate New York. They were gay, like I was at the time, some were lower-class like I thought I was, and would only later find out I was actually middle-class. None were of color, which then made me a novelty of sorts. I recall quite often being quizzed about how to use the language these upper-class queers had just learned from Jennie Livingston's infamous documentary Paris is Burning.

Ms. Trevor how do I say FIERCE? And what exactly is shade? Girl, teach me how to vogue! I mean I did my best to hobble together bits an pieces from my short-lived foray in the queer culture of New York City, which I had only really begin to explore the peaks of in my last two years in high school right in the middle of Manhattan. But this didn't feel exactly like my tribe, I seemed to be torn between allegiance to the HEOP Black kids on campus and the LGBT queer kids, not totally fitting in with either because of either class, orientation, how I preformed gender or how I performed race.

Post-college I continued the activism I had started moving into HIV/AIDS education through GMHC. Joining their youth program which was made up of primarily of other post-college kids but unlike upstate was more diverse having more woman, Black and people of color in its ranks. I can say I felt a connection to these young people as we tried our best to educate others our age and younger about how to navigate the complexities of trying to stay safe while being a young queer.

I have always had very mixed feelings about work relationships and albeit there are some people I met at my first advertising agency job that I would connect with an be friends with years after I left that company. I am not sure any of those relationship had a tribal feel to them.

My next significant connections would be to small or micro-business owners I had associated with through a non-profit that was out to help us with micro-loans. I was never really interested in the loans having long had an aversion to debt, but I did like the fellowship with the mostly Black business owners and using my own brand design business to help these folks out, at least with the visual aspects of their own brands.

But like all things that passed too.

The last fifteen years I have been a loner, most of my friendships drifting a part for one reason or another. I even stopped dating and then sexual relations too. It is a popular platitude to say to young people that you will find your tribe, I just haven't found that to be true. It has felt like all throughout my life I have had to partition pieces of myself to be accepted in certain areas. Even my fifteen year stay on Flickr seemed to be primarily based on folks sexual desires towards me, not really seeing me as a whole but just parts of a whole.

At this point I have let it all go, and find solace and comfort in my own company or in having parasocial relationships with the characters in my comics, books or television shows. If a tribe is a thing, its a thing that has always eluded me, maybe my not being able to compromise my values to 'group think' and allow folks to make me feel less than I am has not allowed me to assimilate into a group dynamic. Maybe my strong sense of self and moral aptitude and not ever being one to succumb to peer pressure or other ill-conceived notions has left me adrift. I am not sure I will ever understand how to be a part of a group.

My nephew was talking to me last week about this group chat, and I thought I have never been in anyone group anything. Even my attempts to start them have failed, like the group I created on Facebook for my fellow grand jury members. I thought we had an amazing eighteen month together, but I think afterwards we became the strangers that we were before. This has been the rhythm of my life since my mom died and I truly don't think it will ever change, and curiously I am okay with that.

Albeit our society loves to preach about how important relationships with others are I have found I think the most important relationship you can have is one with yourself, one unbound by pretense, pretensions and falsehoods. One unencumbered by expectations, animosity and aggression. One that lies in seeing who you are and appreciating all aspect of whom that person is and what they bring to the table never asking them to select which pieces are the most suitable for acceptance. But embracing, loving and encouraging them to come as they are and be welcomed.

[Photo by Brown Estate]

[ciaossu-imagines]

So, as mentioned, I'm doing both the personalized prompts from the reader appreciation day of the event! Still continuing on with the second prompt, this time for the lovely Nix, who has been exceptionally supportive of this blog for a long time now and who I appreciate so much!

BLACK: what face claim from an anime, comic book, or cartoon do I associate with you?

Okay, I’m not going to lie. For the longest time, whenever I thought of you, I automatically pictured you as your icon picture. But given that it’s a very fancy cat, when I started pairing you with Shoichi in my head, I had to actually think of sort of an anime (or at least human) face to put with you, and the one that automatically came to mind and made sense to me was Sawako Kuronuma – it just fit the vibes you give off in my head!

WHITE: what flame type and box weapon do I think you’d have in the khr!verse?

No hesitation, pure out, you’re a Rain Flame to me. You have been since shortly after I got to know you through your constant support of the blog; again, it’s just something about the vibes you give off and after reading your full match-up description, that was just something that really solidified the flame type for me. As for your box weapon, it might disappoint because we do have a cat box weapon already, but I really do think it would be a Rain attribute feline for a box weapon, particularly an Abyssinian because of their reputation as being the most intelligent of the different cat breeds.

RED: what aesthetics do I associate with you?

Hot cups of tea in hand while rain pours down. Oversized cardigans. Fingers against instrument strings. Lo-fi. Studying. Bullet journals. Pretty stationery and fancy pens. Holding hands under the stars, walking home together. Close friends. Shared laughter in empty streets. Family, always having a place to come home to, no matter how old you get.

BLUE: what are three songs I’d put on a playlist for you?

ASTURIAS - issac albeniz guitar version

PIANO SONATA NO. 5 IN F-SHARP MINOR, OP. 81: III. FINALE. VIVACE - antonio pompa-baldi

THE PEOPLE WHO RAISED ME - gregory and the hawk

YELLOW: what fictional world out of all my fandoms would I picture you in?

The answer is pretty obvious, but of course it's Katekyo Hitman Reborn given that is the fandom we share, the one you request for and such! So it's the one I've thought of the most for you and the one where I have the most developed headcanons for you!

GREEN: who would I pair you with out of all my fandoms?

So, of course, the obvious KHR answer is Shoichi! Though I also self-ship with him, the ship of Nix/Shoichi lives so firmly in my mind that if I find myself self-shipping too much with him, I’m like ‘nope, veer off into one of your other self-ships because ya gotta leave Sho enough time to spend with Nix as well’, hahaha! In K, it’s Fujishima! In Nanbaka, it’s Musashi! In Iruma-kun, it’s Balam! In Bungou Stray Dogs, it’s Poe! In Servamp, it’s Syuhei Tsyuki! In Saiyuki, it’s Hakkai! In Eyeshield 21, it’s Taka Honjo! In Ronin Warriors, it's Rowen! In GetBackers, it’s Juubei! In Black Cat, it’s Train! In Gangsta., it’s Theo! In Bleach, it’s Hisagi! In Mystic Messenger, it’s Saeyoung! In Ikemen Revolution, it’s Sirius!

PURPLE: what gif reminds me of you?

PINK: if you were an AU, what type of AU would you be?

It would have to be a musical AU, haha! Either everyone's cursed to have to sing like they were in a musical until something solves the curse, everyone's in a theatre troop or club and are doing a musical, or it's just plain out a high-school musical/disney film situation where nobody seems to realize they're actively in a musical but musical numbers and dance routines just happen and everyone reacts like they're perfectly normal, haha.

RAINBOW: if i were to write a khr sequel, following Tsuna’s demise, and could only use my reader’s as characters, who would you be?

I see you making good use of all that medical learning by being part of the Vongola's medical staff!! Either you're a medical doctor who helps everyone out with their physical injuries or you're serving as a therapist, helping everyone with their mental health and finding family, friends, and love along your journey!

[goosefeather]

finished riverstar's home which is uhh the first super edition i actually finished since graystripe's vow?? i wanna say??

anway! final review: not enough death!!!

(actual, long review under the cut)

riverstar's home is Good. granted i had no expectations for it and kind of forgot it was a thing until it came out. but for a super edition that most people were like "huh? riverstar? really?" it really knocked it out of the park

and i just really think that the erins had a theme in mind (finding home and what that means to our guy riverstar) and the text actually supports that. and i know, most books do this and it is something we all had to learn in high school english. however, warriors has a thing where the messaging is telling us one thing but the actual text is saying something completely different (think of like... everything to do with bramblestar)

that being said, i liked reading about a young riverstar (yes, my character tag for him is river ripple and i prefer that but y'know riverstar is shorter) and his struggle to find a place in the forest territory. it's actually a really good coming of age story that really resonates with anyone who has like moved out of their hometown and has felt incredibly isolated because of that (like me!)

also as a dotc Enjoyer i really liked seeing the events from riverstar's perspective. unlike uhh the last two super editions where the new viewpoint didn't add anything (or it retconned something to make it worse!) or added in things that were just kinda... bad (still dont like brushpaw), riverstar was just enough of an enigma that it worked. like from gray wing's pov, riverstar is an Established Cat on the river and he plays it well. but in actuality he's just a lonely guy trying desperately to maintain his friendships while trying to carve out some space for himself. it's interesting and fun and even the one eye and slash bits that i didn't care for in dotc were fun to read about from his pov

unfortunately, this is dotc so the last half Drags. like it makes sense, obviously, after riverstar feels settled into his life and home and new role as leader, someone from his past comes back and makes him question all of it. love it, really. the problem is once they leave and make it a journey! idk what it is but the minute these cats start wandering off territory it turns into a snoozefest. tell me one book where a journey to some place was Fun to Read and you cant say TNP cuz we both know it wasnt

also, im so sorry, i know we love women here and we have to cuz the erins don't but i dont like finch. like the most she shows up to help with fighting slash's rogues and riverstar was like "she was feisty!" or whatever i knew it was So Over. im sick of this thing where they introduce a she-cat just for the purpose of giving our main male lead kits. it was bad with gray wing and slate and it's bad with finch. remember when she almost stayed behind? i was hoping so hard that it would stick

and like compare finch and riverstar to say night and riverstar (im not pitting two bad bitches against each other give me a sec). before riverstar leaves to go back to help the park cats, night is nervous, her and riverstar have been through a lot together and they lean on each other. so she's vulnerable with him and he's like "oh im sorry i dont think of you that way??" and she's like "no!!! you idiot!! as a Friend" and yeah it made sense cuz we've seen them grow together in real time. finch got None of that because she is not meant to be a character and it bugs me

however, clear sky came in to save the day and cause problems on purpose at the end so the book ended on a high note (for me)

and uhh yeah, this is already pretty long and i actually have More Shit to say cuz i genuinely did like this book a lot i just wanted to get my thoughts out while they were still rattling around in my brain

god i didnt even talk about how i wanted more cats to die

[thathalloweengal]

Her Blood Yearned for Jennifer's Body

To celebrate Halloween, I've written a fan fiction sequel to one of my favorite movies of all time, Jennifer's Body and I'd love the fandom to read it and give it some love, but before I add it, I have to include some content warnings because... Well I'd feel wrong if I didn't

Content warnings: Self harm, graphic depictions of gore, graphic depictions of violence, Suicide attempt, mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts and feelings, violence against a pregnant person, toxic behaviour, Smoking, Vaping, Unhealthy coping mechinisms.

Anita Lesnicki hated the trees. Don't get her wrong, she loathed the long, unmown grass and the gravestones too, but she really, really hated the trees. A midnight stroll through a cemetery wouldn't be most folks idea of a good time, well not unless you were a goth, she cast a glance in the direction of her old friend Colin Gray's final resting place, before quickly snapping back away. Anita had returned to Devil's Kettle after a decade of running, and she didn't have moonlight to burn.

 The waning moon above was essential for the ritual but so too were the skulls carried safely in her duffle bag. Two fools who actually believed that they could run from the Beast. Both used his terrible power for their own ends, but like all the others, forgot to check the small print on their ritual sacrifice and ended up on the Devil's shit list, and ultimately as Anita's offering to him.

The past ten years had not been kind to Anita, she felt broken in every sense of the word, but of course being constantly hunted by Feds would do that to you. They believed that she was a serial killer, and hell they were right, well sort of. She did murder the two scumbags in her literal bag, and the entirety of the indie rock band Low Shoulder, but nobody gave a shit about them anymore, not since their pact with Satan ended. No, the Feds hunted her for brutally murdering five teenagers that attended her High School, including her boyfriend Chip and her best friend, Jennifer.

It was true that Anita killed Jennifer, but she had to. Low Shoulder had inadvertently fused her soul with something evil, something primal, something that only cared about sating the emptiness inside it. Heh, maybe that's why Jennifer and the demon worked so well together, but no, Jen killed Chip and the others. Anita had no choice but to end her life, she had to stop the bloodshed. Shame that she was caught in the act by Jennifer's mom.

During the last decade while Anita was busy trying to find a warm meal and a job that wouldn't alert the authorities, Jennifer's mother Erica had packed up and left Devil's Kettle in an effort to outrun her heartache and move forward. Anita always tried to keep tabs on her, especially as she, herself began to learn more about the occult, magic, and demons. Blood was a very powerful thing indeed, and a mother could, in theory at least hold the most important key to her daughter's return. Still, Anita lacked the raw power and knowledge to exploit such a connection back then.

The nightmares didn't help but they did make her more desperate. Every night, Anita would dream that she was confined to the inside of a wooden box and trapped under six feet of soil, just like Jennifer was. She'd try to scream but all that would come out of her mouth was spiky, putrid gore that would end up boiling through her skin and seeping back into her internal organs again.

Anita yearned for her best friend back, not the demon that took her away but the absolute bitchy hoe bag that made Anita feel alive. At the end of it all, the worst part of the last ten years wasn't the cold, or the hunger, or even the time she stole a book from a blood sorcerer, who then tried to sacrifice her to his ancient blood god. The worst part was not having Jen there with her, giving her shit and making her laugh, like she had throughout their entire lives. Anita didn't even try to hide the emptiness anymore, she acknowledged her loss with the same sorrow that she usually reserved for Chip.

So when Anita heard that Erica was exhuming Jennifer's coffin to have it brought out to the West Coast and be closer to her and her new baby son, Anita knew the timing was as good as it would ever be. She hauled ass back to Devil's Kettle, picked up her sacrifices on the way, and even finished reading the blood sorcery book for the fourth time. Anita knew she had to get this right. Anita knew she had to make this right.

The grave was exposed now, its former soil and dirt now ruining the resting places of others. Well, that was very Jennifer.

A sleep deprived young cemetery worker sucked on a vape pen as he leaned comfortably on Jennifer's casket.

"Can I help you, Miss?" he asked curtly, before adding "We closed up hours ago"

There was no point in lying at this stage so Anita simply pointed at the coffin.

"She was my friend... I just wanted to see her one more time"

Probably realizing how disrespectful he was being, the cemetery worker removed his ass from the lid of the box and cast his eyes down in shame.

"I... can't leave her until my supervisor gets here... but you could take a moment, if you like" 

Anita nodded gratefully before moving closer, she glanced down at the vape pen dangling from a chain on the man's neck. Was that? It couldn't be...

"Is that the blueberry muffin Toast'em Vape?"

"Uh yeah, you wanna hit?"

He held out the vape pen for Anita. She approached him slowly, she was going to enjoy this. At the last second though, he yanked it away from her with a dirtbag smile on his lips.

"You'll have to pay the titty tax first though"

Of course. Of fucking course she couldn't just have something nice with no bullshit.

Anita lunged at the man, taking him completely off guard, he fell over like a sack of potatoes, and she immediately struck his head hard against a nearby gravestone. Maybe he would live, maybe, but it would be a long time before his titty tax would be reinstated. Anita snapped the chain from the man's neck and took the longest drag from the vape. Ah Toast'ems, her childhood rolled back behind her eyes and took her brain on a journey to happier times.

Sandbox love. That's how her and Jen started. Sandbox love never dies. Neither do Toast'ems. Needy... Anita remembered sharing her Toast'ems with Jennifer when Erica forgot to pack little Jen a snack for school. Jennifer was so polite back then, so small and sad. She could easily twist Anita around her little finger from day one.

Enough stalling, Anita shoved the vape pen into her jeans for later, and then focused on the task at hand. Using what would probably be the last of her unnatural strength, she tore the lid off of Jennifer's coffin.

Anita retched at what remained of Jennifer Check. She, of course knew that bodies decomposed but it seemed that, this time she wasn't as prepared to smell it... To see the girl she knew from the sandbox, to see her broken skeleton, her rotted flesh, and the congealed fat that she was lying in. It all just made her feel sick. Anita had put Jennifer in that box, she had to, had to puncture her heart, destroying the demon inside, but she still murdered her best friend, and she couldn't forgive herself for that.

There would be time to hate herself later, there always was. For now, Anita opened her duffle bag and removed the freshly flayed skulls, placing them gently beside Jennifer. She then lifted out her stolen blood sorcery book and opened it to the relevant chapter, the page entitled 'For when the Dead walk the Earth'

With a waned moon watching her from afar, Anita produced her shitty little ripoff Swiss Army Knife, she opened the blade and pledged allegiance to the Lord of Hell.

"Samael, thee who art of the Morningstar, cast out by the False God... Ye who giveth power to the powerless in exchange for a mere boon... I bring you offerings, the earthly remains of two mortals who broke your terms and spread the most heinous lies, boasting that they had bested you"

Ugh, Lucifer must've been such a little fuck boy, needing constant boot licking to settle his tiny dick disorder.

"I beg of you, my Lord!" Anita cried "As my reward, let the soul of Jennifer Check return to her body, and let that body return to me!"

Anita mumbled another additional enchantment before finally slicing through her own wrist. Her blood poured out from the fountain that was now her veins, splattering Jennifer's decomposing corpse. What was left of Jen's skin drank it up like an old lady drinking cold orange juice on a hot day, but Jennifer didn't move. She was supposed to move and make noises, the rite had stated that pretty clearly.

This was the only shot Anita had at this, so either Jen was going to come to her, or she was going to go to Jen. She opened up her other wrist and let the dead body bathe in even more blood.

Was it just Anita or was the skeleton growing new flesh?

Everything felt like it was slipping away from her. Anita was so tired, she needed... needed... needed... 

The world swallowed her whole, the moon stood in judgment of her sins, the wind bit at her face, and the trees, well they just pointed and laughed at her desperation. Fuck, Anita really hated the trees.

"Jennifer" she whimpered before finally letting everything fade away and accepting her sleep.

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

"It's not that big of a deal, Needy"

"It's a huge deal, Jen, you want me to..." Needy conspiratorially lowered her voice "Take your virginity"

Jennifer gently took Needy's hand and looked down at her with those beautiful, soothing blue eyes.

"I'd rather my first time be with someone I actually give a shit about, instead of Roman, or Jonas, or Craig, or any of those other itchy dicked, ass pickers"

Needy couldn't help but giggle, she was so afraid but Jen always knew what to say to make her laugh. The truth was that she actually wanted to be Jennifer's first, but was terrified of what that meant, of what it would do to their friendship. Would Jennifer even like her afterward? But on the other hand, what if she liked her too much? What if they became gay? Needy's mom would go completely ape crap crazy if that happened.

All of her anxiety faded away instantly with a surprise kiss from Jennifer, Needy couldn't stop her own lips from responding in kind. It just felt so right. She always loved kissing Jen when they were practicing and playing girlfriend boyfriend. The taller girl always made her feel like a Princess from one of those old Disney movies, and for just a few minutes, Needy felt like she was the most important person in the world.

This felt completely different though. Jennifer was intense, almost aching with hunger. Deep lustful hunger, all just for Needy.

Needy's arms eased around Jen's waist, she pulled Jen closer to her, so close that Needy could feel her best friend's heartbeat racing against her own.

Oh, her mother and God could both go screw each other. Jennifer's Body was the only religion that Needy wanted.

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

Coming to, weak as shit, in the tall grass and dirt. Anita felt like a fucking idiot. Blood Sorcery, really? She actually tried to use Blood Sorcery to resurrect her bully best friend/ first time. What a fucking cliche.

Well if it was going to work, she would've known about it by now. At least her mom and the rest of the Sisters of Saint Rose could sleep easy tonight. Shame Anita wouldn't. She lifted herself unsteadily to her feet, bandaging up her wrists with some old cotton gauze from her bag.

Well, with resurrection out of the question, Anita supposed that the only thing left to her was closure. She forced herself to look at the open coffin, at her dead best friend, and accept that there was no miracle fix to their tragedy.

Jennifer's remains were gone from the casket.

"Oh fuck" were the only words Anita could rationally think before descending into blind panic.

From behind, Anita heard a guttural, animal-like roar, right before something barrelled into her, knocking her into the exposed grave.

Looking up in pure fear, she saw Jennifer's decayed corpse staring back at her in furious lucidity, her jaw had become dislodged and her eyes were gooey pink blobs, trying so hard to heal, but Anita could sense that they could already see her.

Jennifer leapt into the grave, falling directly on top of Anita, and started to paw at the still living girl's face.

"Jen?" Anita tried

Surprisingly, Jennifer actually cradled Anita in her arms and stroked at her face with the back of one boney hand. It was bizarre and macabre, and the smell of death did nothing to reassure Anita but at the same time, this was Jen, back with her, so Anita held her right back.

"It's me, Jen, it's okay, it's me" Anita sighed, contentedly

Jen tried to talk but all that would come out was painful sounding, gruesome, raw throat noises, like her larynx had been mauled by a Wolf.

"It's Needy, don't worry" Anita softly reassured her

"Neeeeedeeeee?" The dead woman's voice scraped out like fingernails on a chalkboard

"Yeah" Anita smiled, she had Jen again, admittedly she was more than a little fucked up, but hey that could be said for the both of them. The important thing was that Jennifer was alive again, er, undead again

Jen raised one skeletal finger to Anita's lips. Anita shivered as it slipped inside her mouth.

Jennifer, much too quickly for Anita's taste, took her finger back, raised that hand far behind her own head, and before Anita could even put two and two together, made a fist.

The first punch felt like being hit with a slab of concrete, powerful and uncaring. The second, she could feel bits of Jennifer's skin start to grow back around the knuckles, only to come off again upon impact. The third, hit her in the throat and she started to choke. Jen didn't care, maybe Jen never cared, maybe Anita was right all those years ago, and her longing for a nostalgic fantasy would end in Jennifer's grave... Their grave.

"You! Stupid! Fucking! Cunt!" Jennifer's voice was coming back to her as she continued to beat the living hell out of Anita

"You! Killed! Me! Dead!"

Anita was starting to lose consciousness again, she had lost so much blood already, now it was impossible for her to breathe. She wasn't surprised that she was going to die, she was actually kind of looking forward to it, after so many shitty ass years on the road. She knew it was time to rest. Maybe Jennifer could forgive her if Anita took her place in death.

Darkness briefly took over before Anita felt herself being propelled upward and hitting the grass, hard.

"One! Two! Three! Four! Staying alive! Staying alive!" Jennifer screamed, while giving Anita chest compressions

Mister Wroblewski, their old biology teacher, taught them that one for resuscitation. Anita didn't think Jen ever paid attention in that class, well in any classes. Anita felt Jennifer's decomposed lips touch hers, breathing foul, stale air into her lungs and clearing them.

Anita coughed so hard that she felt something twist inside her and she hurled blood and coffee all over the disturbed ground. She wouldn't last much longer without a transfusion, but she was still alive for now. Anita looked up, bleary-eyed at her ironic savior.

Jennifer Check was slumped next to her own coffin. She was still mostly skeleton but Anita could see flesh knitting back together and internal organs fighting to work underneath.

Jen found her jaw and painfully reattached it to the rest of her face. She still looked like hell.

"First you betray me, stab me, kill me... Now you bring me back like this" Jennifer raised her skeletal hand as an example of her current state of post life "You must've really fucking hated me"

"Oh screw you, Jen" Anita croaked out "I had to kill you to destroy your demon... I brought you back... Because... Because I give a shit about you"

"Oh, really?" Jen scoffed "Because to the best of my motherfucking knowledge, you left me in the ground for years!"

Dread rushed through Anita's mind. Had Jennifer been conscious all this time? All ten years of her death?

"Yeah! I could feel everything!" Jennifer answered the question that Anita hadn't asked "I felt my body rot away, my tits and ass leaking out, and I couldn't even fucking scream!"

"Jen... I'm sorry"

"Save it!" Jen yelled, before limping away

"Please..." Anita moaned, struggling to get to her feet again, before faceplanting once more, back into the dirt. She didn't have the energy to run after Jennifer.

At the very least, her old friend didn't have her demon anymore, so she wasn't a threat to Devil's Kettle. Anita wondered if she would see Chip again in an afterlife, before quickly coming to her senses. Her Chip was in Heaven, she was headed to Hell... That would never work out.

To her great surprise, Anita found herself being moved onto her back by a somewhat embarrassed zombie Jen.

"You were super vile and I still don't forgive you... but I am a better friend than you ever were, so... Ugh, let me take you to the hospital"

Well that was unexpected. Anita felt so dizzy but shook her head anyway.

"I've got some blood in my car... Would you help me to it?"

Jen nodded, her anger simmering just below the surface. She hauled Anita back to her feet and helped her walk in the direction that Anita pointed.

"Jennifer and Needy, yes indeedy, gonna get some blood but let's be greedy, let's down Needy, oh that's seedy" Jennifer cheered, half heartedly

"I go by Anita now" Anita mumbled, feeling light headed

Anita felt Jennifer pull her closer, almost protectively, before whispering, bitterly "You'll always be hella needy to me"

Jennifer did, in fact help Anita back to her piece of shit station wagon. She had stolen it a few days ago from a sweet elderly couple who pulled over to give her directions. They were headed cross country to Knott's Scary Farm, Anita still hoped that they had found some way to make it.

Inside the station wagon, Anita hooked herself up to two bags of AB negative, and sighed happily as it flowed into her veins. When she opened her eyes again, she could see that Jen was staring at the bags like she used to stare at big greasy burgers when they were young and she was forced onto another new experimental diet by her asshole aunt. It was time for a distraction.

"So... you were awake the entire time?"

Jennifer sighed and actually rolled her eyes. Jen unwilling to gossip? What was the world coming to?  Anita opened the glove box and scavenged around for some cigarettes. Only finding one, she handed it over to Jen as a peace offering. The ex demon looked quite bemused. Anita lit her up, and Jen took a slow and steady drag.

"I was awake until my eyes turned to mush, after that everything was dark but I still knew where I was, everything felt so fucking claustrophobic... I could feel bugs and rats crawling over me, ripping off pieces of me to feed their babies... I could feel those tiny bits of myself in their little stomachs, being digested and shat out"

"You must've been marked by the demon that took your body" Anita explained, as best as she could "When it died, Hell didn't want you because it already had demon Jen, but the other twenty two after lives could still see its mark staining your soul"

"Twenty two?"

"Yeah, turns out Hell is exclusively for demons, almost everybody else just kind of gets placed in a restful afterlife tailored to who they were in this life"

"How do you know that?"

Anita felt herself start to blush and she knew that she needed to claw back some semblance of restraint... Oh fuck it, fuck it all.

"Because I've spent so very long trying to get you back"

Jen's eyes widened for a moment in surprise before finally returning to a more cynical glare.  She took a shorter puff of her cigarette before pausing, considering, and finally coming to the possibility.

"I guess... You regretted killing me?

"Every day, Jen! Every day for the last ten years!"

"Ten years!" Jennifer cried "I've been dead for ten years!"

Oh shit, Anita didn't mention that, and it's not like Jennifer had a fucking calender underground.

Jen went silent for several minutes, long enough for Anita to finish up her amateur blood transfusion. She felt awake but still very weak and so very hungry. She had never sacrificed her blood before, making it incredibly potent and desirable... Virgin blood by ancient tradition. This would hurt for a while yet as the Great Beast licked his lips.

Human/Demon Hybrid blood was a delicacy in some parts of the world, Anita wondered if it was the same in Hell.

"Is my mom okay?" Jen eventually asked

Anita had never heard Jennifer worry about her mother before, but her voice was shaking now.

"Yeah Jen, that's actually why you were being dug up, your mom wanted to move you out to California to be closer to her and her..." Maybe Anita shouldn't say any more, Jen never liked to share, in life or death.

"Her new family" Jen guessed, tears running down her still skeletal eye holes.

Anita wanted to wrap her arms around Jen and tell her that she wasn't so easy to replace, but coming from her literal murderer, maybe that wasn't such a great idea, so she simply settled for "You have a little baby brother"

Jen wiped her tears away on the sleeve of the dress she was buried in. A dress that was probably once the height of fashion but was now as torn and decayed as its owner.

"Yay" Jennifer murmured, before coughing up some dirt "Needy... Anita, whatever the fuck, can we just... Can we just go... Maybe get something to eat, I'm starving"

Anita nodded, Jen was in worse shape than she was, shaking off a decade of being dead would do that to you. Anita tried to hold Jennifer's hand but Jen pulled away from her touch like it was sheer pain.

With no other option left open to her, Anita put the key into the ignition and turned. The car engine shook to life, the final resurrection of the night.

Pulling out of the graveyard and driving back into town, Anita noticed just how much Devil's Kettle had changed in ten years. It had two malls for shit's sake, a few trendy restaurants, an arcade, a proper swimming pool that wasn't a safety risk. New houses, New people. Bland as all fuck but ultimately thriving.

Anita noticed Jen staring disdainfully at the progress outside. The living dead girl probably believed that the town would collapse without her. To see it doing well for itself most likely hurt more than the boxcutter that punctured her heart.

Not wanting to draw more attention to their presence than a strange, rusty ass station wagon in a nice town already would, Anita pulled into a roadside diner, just outside of town. She threw Jennifer a hoodie from the back seat.

"You'll need to cover up your..."

"Don't rub it in, Lesnicki" Jen snapped, before pulling the garment on and putting the hood up, partially obscuring her face from view.

The two, slowly and painfully left the station wagon and shambled toward the diner. Like most of the new editions to Devil's Kettle, the small building looked shiny and boring. Devoid of any personality or history. A corporate chain from the big city, the truest agents of Satan.

Inside, everything seemed to be normal enough. Truckers drinking coffee, a couple of students cramming math and blueberry pie into their bodies, and a lone biker, just sitting by himself, toasting a mug of hot cocoa to someone on a video call.

All of these people immediately stopped when they caught sight of Anita and Jennifer. They suddenly turned hostile, agitated, and even a little scared. They couldn't have recognized them, could they? Anita didn't know any of their faces. Unless maybe the cops had circulated her photo. She did steal the car in Wisconsin, maybe they put her journey together and worked out that she was coming home. Maybe Anita hadn't been as careful as she thought she was.

The heavily pregnant waitress behind the counter huffed.

"You can come in but you'll have to pay up front... And don't you dare use any of your poison here... Or try to sell any of it!"

Oh yeah, Anita forgot that they were as pale as ghosts, frail and disheveled... The waitress thought they were drug addicts. Everyone just thought they were drug addicts, that was good, fucked up, but good.

Anita nodded and handed over some bills.

"Can we get a pot of coffee, two burgers and some fries?" She asked as politely as she could manage with her head still spinning

"And a strawberry milkshake" Jennifer added

The waitress counted out the bills, then recounted them, held them up to the light, and then finally went into the back, leaving them to pick their table.

"Fucking bitch" Jennifer grumbled, and found a booth in the back, next to a broken jukebox.

"I can't exactly blame her" Anita defended, weakly "I mean, would you trust us?"

"Ugh, trust has nothing to do with this shit, Needy, these fuckers are up on their high horses, looking down on us, they get wasted like the rest of us, but when they see two people that are a little bit more raggedy than they are, they judge and hate and fear... What does that tell you?"

Anita shrugged, she wasn't ready for one of Jennifer's patented lectures.

"They judge us because we look poor as fuck, hoe" Jennifer concluded "They judge us because we look homeless, because we represent what they know they're just three mistakes away from becoming"

"In fairness, we also look half dead, Jen"

Jennifer slammed her fist against the jukebox "That's not the fucking point, damnit!"

Looking down at her hand, Jennifer paid close attention to the still healing tissue she just destroyed, and the skeleton hand underneath, which looked broken in two places.

"It doesn't even hurt" Jen mumbled, before limping off to the bathroom.

"You better not use in there!" the waitress warned

"Eat shit, you goddamn Sow" Jen cursed, under her breath

Jen always did have a way with words. Fuck, this was ridiculous. Anita pulled out her newly acquired blueberry muffin Toast'em vape and took a hit.

If Anita was being completely honest with herself, she had to admit that she never really expected this to work... The reason she left the blood bags in the car before the sacrifice was because a part of her wanted to die of blood loss and be reunited with her Jen in one of the afterlives. Jen would forgive her, tell her that she was right to kill that thing in her body because it wasn't actually her but instead was 'Balthazar: The Great Scourge of Hell' and that she's been safe and sound, drinking red wine and banging cuties for ten years.

Instead Jen was back to life and hated Anita more than ever. She and the demon were one, because of course they were, and when Anita killed that demon, she also killed her friend, her Jennifer, the girl she fell in love with all those years ago. Ugh, Anita had no idea what to do now. Jen must've spent every second in her grave dreaming about killing Anita, hating her with every fiber of her being... But then why did she stop beating her? Why did Jen help her back to the station wagon? Why didn't she snap Anita's neck and leave her in that open grave?

Hell is a teenage girl... That's what Needy used to say... But Anita was starting to wonder if Hell is just being left alone, by yourself, for years on end. Maybe Jennifer just didn't want to be on her own any more.

Speak of the former Succubus, Anita spotted Jennifer chatting up a trucker by the bathroom. It looked like she was saying all the right things, and hiding her face, just well enough. The trucker was interested, real interested. Anita had to shut this down.

Remembering a side effect of her little enchantment from earlier, Anita willed the plasma in her body to make contact with the plasma in Jennifer's and force her to come back to the table.

Nothing happened. Jennifer ran her now bandaged hands carefully up the trucker's neck and softly across his face. Anita slammed her own hand down on the sharp, exposed metal edge of the table. Blood burst forth from her palm and across the booth.

Jennifer immediately stopped caressing the trucker, and almost like someone flipped a switch in her head, she walked, sort of robotically, back to the table. Her face gaining fear with every step that wasn't truly her own.

"What the shit was that!?"

"You're connected to me... by blood" Anita explained "My blood flows through you, it gives you strength... You don't need to kill to feed anymore, and if you try to, I can stop you with that same life blood"

Jen stared daggers through Anita's skull. "I just wanted a fuck"

"Oh..."

"Don't 'Oh' me bitch, it's not easy convincing someone to screw you when you look like George Bush's wrinkled asshole"

Another wave of uncomfortable silence washed over them.

"When was the last time you got laid?" Jennifer suddenly asked

Nope, no way was Anita talking about this with Jennifer.

"Uh, awhile ago" Anita dismissed, nonchalantly

"Oh come on, Needy, if you're gonna sabotage my sexual misadventure, you should at least tell me about your own... Let's start with his name?"

God Damn It!

"... Marta... Her name was Marta"

"Hot damn!" Jennifer beamed "I knew there was a little bit of a dyke in you... Especially after our first time..."

"I like men and women" Anita replied, awkwardly

Jennifer raised what was left of her eyebrows in mock surprise.

"Wow, we have so much in common, who'd have thunk it... Oh yeah, me"

Before Anita could unpack that, a young african american man, one of the students, maybe? Wandered up to their booth, and made small talk for a few minutes before telling Anita that he would love to take her out to a new club that just opened up in Devil's Kettle. Jen found that hilarious, though Anita couldn't work out if that was because he had chosen her over Jen, or because Devil's Kettle had an actual club now. In either case, Anita politely declined and the beautiful young man went back to his friends.

"No love for Chocolate Chip?" Jennifer giggled

Oh that hurt. Perhaps seeing the look on Anita's face, Jen relented.

"Okay, okay, no mentioning your first love... sorry"

"Do you know what I miss most about Chip?"

"Oh God, it's going to be something terribly cliche" Jennifer groaned "His smile, his eyes, how the toilet smelt after he took a dump"

"I don't miss anything"

Nothing. Jennifer Check was speechless once again, it seemed miracles would never cease tonight.

"I barely remember his voice" Anita continued "I feel like such a bitch"

"Because you can't remember your childhood sweetheart?"

"No... I definitely remember you"

There. Might as well drop all of the bombshells tonight. Who knew if Anita would ever have another chance to say it.

"What?" Jennifer still had the cutest look of absolute confusion, even with her face looking like a patchwork blanket knitted by George A. Romero. Anita had always assumed that Jen knew how she felt.

"It was you Jen... It was always you... I loved Chip so very, very much... But I only loved him because he looked at me the way I wanted you to look at me... And after our first time, you never did"

"Is... Is that why you killed me?"

Fucking Jennifer, always making everyone else the villain of her story.

"No" Anita sighed "I killed you because you were butchering our classmates... I hated that thing you became, I was tired of burying my friends, and tired of wondering which one would be next"

Jennifer nodded absently for a moment, mentally digesting all of that, before eventually shaking her head.

"Probably doesn't matter anyway" Jen exhaled "Low Shoulder have probably made like a million demon bitches by now"

"Well, no"

"How would you know?"

"Because one night" Anita confided, voice low "I tracked them down and murdered them all"

Jennifer's mouth fell open, Anita was worried that her jaw was going to detach again, but it held firm.

"You did that for me...?"

All Anita could do was nod. Sure, she could make up some bullshit about doing it for Devil's Kettle, or the victims of the demon... or even Chip, her poor Chip... But it would be a lie. She massacred those bastards because of what they did to Jen. Because they took Jen away from her. Because it felt good to make them suffer like they made her best friend suffer.

"Shit..." Jen whispered "I'm kinda touched you went all Painkiller Jane for me"

The sound of smashing plates cut through their conversation, Anita turned in her seat and saw some old guy with a scraggly beard harassing the pregnant waitress.

"Oh fuck" Jen laughed "It's Wroblewski"

Holy shitsucker from hell, Jen was right, the old man was their former biology teacher Mister Wroblewski, even though he looked like ass, Anita could still see his prosthetic hook shining at his side. It looked different, somehow, almost sharp.

"Look!" The old man practically screamed "I can't afford the child support, and my wife said that if I made love to another girl, she'd leave me... So please, do me a solid and just get it out"

Anita had heard that Wroblewski was fired for getting two students pregnant. He had always seemed so nice, but Anita knew that nice didn't naturally translate to good, and under it all he was just a fucking asshole who used his position and all the tragedy around Devil's Kettle to abuse teens. Trauma makes it easier to manipulate vulnerable people after all.

"You think I wanted her, Ralph!? I asked you for the money to get it done months ago, and what did you tell me?"

"I..."

"You said you didn't believe in abortion! That you wanted us to be a family together, that you'd divorce your wife and use the money to buy us a nice big house to raise our kid!"

"Yes, but..." Wroblewski stuttered

"It's too late, Ralph! I'm too far across the line because of your bullshit... I can't get one now... I wish I could! But I can't!"

Wroblewski looked pissed, his face was all red and blotchy like an embarrassed Warthog that just fell into its own pile of shit.

"Fine..." he accepted "... I guess I'll just have to do it myself"

Before the waitress could even process what the elderly teacher had said, Wroblewski lifted his gleeming prosthetic, holy fuck it was a machete, and he ran her through the stomach with it.

"Pig on a spit" Jennifer laughed

Something inside Anita snapped. No one deserved to die like that. She took her Swiss Army Knife from a compartment in her boot, opened up the pointy end and ran toward Wroblewski. Anita caught him off guard and stabbed him in the back, wrenching the blade up to his shoulder, and then finally burying it in his neck. Wroblewski stiffly turned toward her, she tried to kick him in the balls but he caught her leg, and smashed her in the face with a nearby tip jar.

Anita fell to the ground, reeling and spitting out glass, as Wroblewski slowly and excruciatingly raised the machete above his head.

Wroblewski stopped, suddenly paying close attention to Anita's face.

"Needy?"

Jennifer plowed into him, knocking the former biology teacher into a kids size plastic statue of Scooby-Doo, it broke his fall and his two front teeth.

Jennifer lowered her hoodie to give Wroblewski a good look at her. He backed away in fear.

"Jennifer..." he choked on his own teeth "This isn't at all possible..."

Jen didn't give Wroblewski the chance to say anything else, she simply strutted up to him, ripped off his prosthetic machete, and buried it in his head.

"And that, Lesnicki..." Jennifer winked at Anita "Is how you kill a cunt... Aren't you glad you brought me back?"

Anita couldn't answer, the waitress was still gurgling on her own blood. Anita hobbled over to her side. A tiny hand was poking out of the woman's baby bump, it was moving.

"Get her out of me, please..." the waitress begged

Anita grabbed her Swiss Army Knife again and tried to cut methodically around the wound in the baby bump.

"No time!" Jen interrupted and mercilessly ripped the wound open by hand, freeing the baby and lifting her out of the waitress's corpse. The waitress had died with a smile on her lips, her body finally free of the thing she didn't want.

Jen looked down at the little baby with such affection and care, so fearful that the little thing would stop breathing. In that moment, there was no callousness, no bitchiness, no gross douchebaggery. Only Jen, her Jen... The one she fell in love with.

Jen reluctantly gave the baby over to Anita.

"She deserves someone pretty to look at when she opens her eyes" Jen breathed, pulling her hood back up

"You are so beautiful, Jen"

Jennifer grimaced and shook her head, sadly.

"... Needy, I think... I think you have Stockholm Syndrome or something" she replied, before taking a regretful look at the dead waitress, and then her baby, and finally leaving the diner.

Anita quickly wrapped the baby up in her jacket, found a mirror compact behind the counter, and rushed off after Jen. This had to be said, Jennifer had earned it.

Anita found Jen lying on the roof of an old van in the parking lot. It was starting to rain. Jennifer looked like an Angel.

"Going nowhere fast?" Anita teased

Jennifer chuckled that sweet chuckle of hers.

"Feeling lost..." she admitted "I'm back to life after ten years and... I have no idea what to fucking do... And all these stupid motherfucking feelings just won't stop, why can't I turn them off any more?"

"Because you're a human not a demon?"

"Oh be real, Needy, I don't resemble anything close to a human being anymore"

Anita handed her the compact. Jennifer raised her eyebrows, sarcastically, like she was so done with this entire situation, but then caught a glimpse of her reflection. Zombie Jen was long gone, all that was left was exactly how Jennifer's body looked ten years ago, the exact night they had met Low Shoulder. She was beautiful, young, and alive again.

"How?!" Jen cried

"Before I brought you back, I cast an enchantment" Anita softly told her "It took a while to kick in but basically it means that you and I share a soul... My soul, and as long as I'm alive, Death can't have you... You won't decay... You can have your life back"

"And you?" Jen looked worried

"My lifespan... Our lifespan is halved, but it is so worth it"

"No" Jen shook her head "Not after all the shit I put you through... Needy, you deserve to live a full life"

Anita took Jennifer's hand gently in hers, Jen actually let her.

"The last ten years without you have been so empty" Anita explained "Don't make me go back to that"

Jennifer stroked the back of Anita's hand, comforting her old sandbox love. Her touch was so warm, even in the rain.

"I won't" she promised "Thank you... Anita"

"Oh, I think I'm still Needy"

"Oh, really?" Jennifer smirked "What are you Needy for?"

Anita showed Jennifer exactly what she was Needy for. Jen's lips tasted so sweet, so right, as they welcomed her back home.

The baby yelled, excited to hear her own voice. Jennifer and Needy used that moment to break apart and take a look down at the girl. The endless possibilities of a new life, a new beginning. Needy smiled at the rare spark of hope in Jennifer's eyes. She knew exactly what they were going to do.

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

Seventeen Years Later

A bizarre, freakishly sharp wind traveled through the sleepy city of Diablo, California, it might've heralded the middle of Winter, though it was about six months too early and in entirely the wrong State. Nevertheless, It chilled the people on the streets to their very cores, it gnawed, angrily at the trees, and then it finally came to rest on the fashionable little suburb of Cody. Though, why it settled down there was anyone's guess. Most of the houses were pretentious, trendy little things, used mostly for renting out as AirBnBs or the sets of interactive VR music videos. One house, however, believe it or not, was an original Erica Check creation... It reeked of her. It had never been filmed or leased out in all its fifteen years of existence, its only role, to provide safety and comfort for the small family of three that owned it. The thing lurking in the wind pressed a hand to the window and drew itself closer to see what tasty morsels were inside.

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

Jennifer Check was brushing up on slang terms for her new clients. She was a fitness guru and dietitian, but all of her customers were like half her age and she could barely understand their bullshit made up language.

"Okay, so 'Crash' is good and 'Mode' is bad, and 'Schway' means cool... but then what the fuckcicle does 'Well Schway, Jen, you just Crashed the Mode' mean?'

"Um, maybe it means 'Cool, you just fucked shit up?' I was never very good at slang" her wife, Needy admitted

"Heh, yeah, I remember when you thought Mani Pedi was an Italian stud on Myspace... Fuck I miss Myspace"

Needy was packing for one of her hideously expensive 'Rich Customers Only' tours of haunted towns. As the owner of the business, she accompanied the rich dips and made sure they didn't get eaten by Werewolves or barbecued by the locals.

Jennifer held out her arms, asking wordlessly for a cuddle. Needy happily embraced her.

"Am I getting old, Needy?" Jennifer whimpered

"Yes" Needy smirked, before Jennifer swatted her with a pillow

"Bitch" 

The front door was thrown wide open and in wandered their daughter Sahara. She was a little trouble maker and so god damn frustrating, but they loved her so hella much. She was almost as good at manipulating as Jennifer was.

"Hey moms!" she greeted, trying to obscure their view of the area between the open front door and the stairs

"Hey sweetie, did you have a good day?" Needy asked, pretending not to see her daughter's boyfriend and girlfriend ascending the stairs

"Ugh, High School, you know? I have so much homework, it's barfing Mode... I think I'm just gonna get right to it" Sahara noticed Needy's suitcase "Have fun in Springwood, Momma"

"Thanks baby"

"Oh hon?" Jennifer asked, just as Sahara was leaving to go upstairs

"Yeah, Mom?" she asked, nervously

"What does 'Crash the Mode' mean?"

Sahara burst out laughing, it seemed as if she just couldn't help herself.

"Let me guess, Uncle James told you that one?"

Jennifer nodded, reluctantly, embarrassed to have to ask her teenage daughter.

"It means that your rizz game is zero and you've made everything so whoring jinxxtastic, zoom motherfucker" Sahara answered, before laughing all the way upstairs to her bedroom

"I miss calling things salty" Jen mentioned with a sigh.

Needy nibbled at Jennifer's earlobe for a moment before deciding "You are so super salty"

"You know salty means semen, right?" Jennifer grinned

"I've changed my mind, you're clearly a ten year old"

Upstairs, they heard Sahara's boyfriend warn her that he didn't have a condom.

"Oh shit no, we are not ready to be grandmas right now"

Jennifer leapt off the sofa and bounded up the stairs, before breaking down their daughter's door with her unnatural strength and screaming in her best facsimile of a demonic voice.

"Always use condoms or I will fucking eviscerate your soul and take a god damn shit on your face!"

"I'm on the pill!"

"Contraceptives aren't always effective! Double up!"

Moments later, Jen sauntered downstairs with Sahara and her two lovers behind her. The two other teenagers looked like they had just seen the Great Beast himself, they were trembling, but Sahara just looked pissed.

"Again!? Why do you have to be so fucking embarrassing! At least my birth mom had the common decency to fucking die and leave me to it! When are you going to follow her example!" Sahara screamed and then ran upstairs after her friends had left

"We don't mind you fucking!" Jen yelled as she cuddled up next to Needy "Just leave pregnancy until that magic moment in a womb-havers life when you're rich and successful and your parents are in an old folks home and don't even have to change their own diapers!"

"I HATE YOU!" Sahara screamed

"We love you too!" 

Jen supposed Needy was right after all, Hell was a teenage girl, but Jennifer wouldn't have had it any other way.

"Was all of that really necessary?" Needy pouted, mockingly

"With the amount of Plan B this household goes through? Absolutely"

Jen softly kissed the fake pout off of her wife's face, she basked in the warmth of her truest love, her Needy, and admired their new matching wedding rings, engraved with the letters 'BFF'

To Jen this was better than any stupid afterlife. She was so glad that she stuck around for this.

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

The Exile from Hell inked a heart on the window with its own putrid blood. It was glad that its former host was well, they had both come so far since Devil's Kettle. A single bloody tear ran down its face. It was actually happy... It had never felt happiness before, not like this.

The Exile smiled thoughtfully at Jennifer, there was still a connection there between them... An ache... A belonging...  Sure, it was weak but it had been enough to help free the Exile from Lord Lucifer's grasp. The Demon knew that no matter how much they both wanted it though, they could never go back to the way things were... Back to their glory days... They had both changed too much, but it would make a point to keep an eye on it's old friend's family... Offer them a, heh, helping hand if needed... It was the least it could do... And hey if they wanted to reward it by giving it a new home to live in, well fair was fair. 

Noticing young Sahara sneaking out of the house from the balcony next to her bedroom, the Exile licked its lips before shifting its shape into a much more desirable form, and striving out to make a brand new friend. She smelt so sweet, like virgin blood... It was too late when the Exile realized the error of it's ways. Sahara's wrist opened and forced the Demon into her veins, stripping its power away and harnessing it for herself. The Exile realized in it’s last moments that it had been played, it's connection with Jennifer was too weak to help it escape from Hell, Sahara had exploited it, probably sacrificed the blood from one of her little friends to enhance the connection, but why? What was she going to do with it's power? The Exile's last thought was of Jennifer, truly afraid for whatever Sahara had planned for her and Needy... Fear, heh, today was a day for firsts. 

The End

[asmusdiary]

August 7th 2023, 03:14 in the morning

Hello everyone. This is a place where I will talk about the progress of my band. I’m doing this because there possibly are some people that will find it interesting to follow the progress of some small band, but I’m mostly doing this as like a diary for myself. This is inspired Ed’s Diary. Ed being Ed O’Brien from Radiohead. I apologise if these blogs are hard and annoying to read through.

I am 18, turning 19 on the 10th, and I am from Denmark. I’m on summer vacation right now but will return to school, also on the 10th, for my third and final year of gymnasium. I am very much into music. Ever since I was little I really liked it. I started having piano lessons when I was 6 years old - that was in 2010. Now I play piano, bass, guitar, drums and I try to sing.

At school I have a lot of friends that are into music. In fact, I am in a ‘music class’, where all my classmates have chosen music on a high level as a main-topic. It’s a lot of fun. I was aware that there were a lot of music people at my gymnasium before I even started. I was really hoping to meet some people that I could start a band with, and make music that I really enjoy, since music is what I want to do with my life. Though there were definitely cool talented people at my gymnasium, there weren’t anybody that I could see myself starting a band with unfortunately. Some people liked the same music as me, but I didn’t like their approach to music. At all. I found a lot of people’s approaches to music to be regressive and unauthentic, and I wouldn’t wanna be in a band with those kind of people, because they would ruin the authenticity.

Now two years later after starting at the gymnasium, I have found some people. They’re not all from my gymnasium, in fact only one of them is, and he’s a year above me. It doesn’t really matter where I know these people from, and it would take forever to explain where I know them from but they’re all perfect, and exactly what I’m looking for. Here’s a quick rundown

Daniel - bass, guitar, clarinet, keyboards, lyrics. Daniel is one of my best friends. I’ve known him for almost 3 years, and he is the sole reason that I know the music I know and love today, because he always shows me stuff. Rate Your Music guy hehe. Daniel has a really good sense of the abstract and is comfortable being experimental. He is also comfortable in lyrics, which is a skill don’t see myself learning anytime soon. Me and Daniel have actually played together in a band before called Musik 3. It was alright, but tensions were bad between the members so we broke it up. Don’t miss very much lol. But me and Daniel still wanted to do music together.

Romeo - Guitar, Piano, Synth. I haven’t even known Romeo for a year yet. I met him last fall. I met him at a music camp thing (which, fun fact, all of us went to at the same time). We were split into groups with people that we didn’t know, and we had to write a song together. I was in group with Romeo. He played guitar and I played bass. The song we made was really bad, but we enjoyed making it. I was just so amazed at Romeo’s ability to come with tasteful guitar lines on the spot. He is the only person I’ve met that has had as great relative pitch as me.

This was the song we made

And this is us playing it live

Theodor - bass, guitar, piano, synth, drums, singing, rapping, producing, lyrics. Theodor is a genius to me. I am amazed every time I see him play. He just finished his last year at the same gymnasium as me, so that’s where I know him from. I’m pretty shy, so it took me me some time to really get friends with Theodor. I’ve always thought he was a cool guy, but I was still scared to connect with him, because he was one of the older students - and because he was GOOD at music. He’s in a rap group from Roskilde which are seeing some success right now in the underground rap scene in Denmark. Other rappers are talking about them and mentioning them. But some months ago I finally got friends with him, and I asked if he wanted to make a band, and he said yes. What a blessing.

Robin - drums, synth, rapping, producing, lyrics. Robin is the one I know least well. Solely because I haven’t spoken to him as much as the other guys. But we’ve had some laughs where you really could tell we thought each other were cool, so I’m pretty sure it’ll work out. Robin is very very close friends with Theodor. He’s also part of the rap group which Theo is in. And inside the rap group, they are the ones that work together the most. They’re like me and Daniel. Theo and Robin have a lot experience, and they are so good at making really good stuff really fast, which me and Daniel can be pretty slow at. I asked Robin to join, because I heard he was a good drummer, and I really wanted a good drummer. When I asked Theo if Robin was a good drummer he said “Eh, he’s probably as good as me” and that was good enough, because Theo is a pretty alright drummer. I’m looking forward to work with Robin.

Now, the band is finally starting up, and we have our first session on the 20th. We are all 5 really excited. We are all sending pictures of our pedals, and writing demos, and fantasising about how the concerts will play out, so we’re all very excited. I will probably do another blog post before the 20th. Don’t know that it will be about.

This is all very new and exciting. It seems like us 5 guys will work out perfectly, but it’s still hard to know how it all is gonna play out..

Until next post - here’s a song I’m listening to a lot:

[honeycombbe]

Mementos

There had always been a weird sense of conflicting loyalty about the daycare provider, at the family child care I attended for most of my childhood. On the one hand, she was one of the few adults I had ever seen who stood up to things that were wrong. Once she brought a baby over to me, for me to hold, because she thought it was a good experience for me to have. I held the infant in my lap for a while as the daycare lady continued cleaning up around the kitchen, looking at the two of us with a sparkling fondness every now and then.

On the other hand, she was emotionally messed up and had no business being around children. She was shrill when she was angry, treating us like we were inherently bad. She once held a two-year-old in her lap, her jaw determined as she prepared to put lemon juice in her mouth as punishment, while the two-year-old squirmed and cried. One day when we were older, years after I had grown up around how she was, and began to view it as just how things were, she was arguing with her daughter who was around my age. Diane suddenly set her jaw, moved toward her daughter, and pushed her backwards over a canister vacuum.

"Mom, that's abusive!" her daughter whined, getting up from the carpet as her mom stalked off. Me and the other daycare kids stood around, looking away. I was unsure of what to do. If I told someone, I wondered, would she punish me the next day for telling on her?

Years later, as an adult, I began doing a purgative type of ceremony. One memory about the daycare provider began surfacing more and more often. I wasn't sure if I'd been thinking about it every day for years, or just every day since things started coming back up.

I had been between two and three years old, standing in the basement alone with the daycare lady. I looked at the blue light of the TV, behind the wooden shutters, and impulsively opened them again to see the light. From what I remember, she had already told me once not to open them. I was maybe two and a half, and wasn't really thinking about anything other than seeing the blue light again.

"Did you just open those shutters?" she demanded, her voice shrill. Then there was an awful silence as she got down on her knees in front of me, held my shoulders, and started shaking me as she yelled in my face. I stared at her angry brown eyes behind her glasses, and my eyes welled with tears as I began to cry. Her image was blurred as she continued yelling and shaking.

After I began working in a preschool, I learned that had been illegal since long before I was born. I thought for long moments, then sent the daycare lady a Facebook message about how that incident had made me feel, and how I still felt to this day. I checked Messenger again, after 21 weeks, and saw that she had erased the messages.

At which point I sent a copy of those memories to the DHS through an email. Like fuck you, bitch.

I still felt some shame in finally sharing it, even with a regulatory agency. I spoke to a facilitator about how putting it all down had felt, how I thought people might just view it the way a Jerry Springer audience sits eagerly for a morsel of drama.

I told her about a student in high school, who had shared a vulnerable essay about the exact moment his father had left the house, the mark it had left, and how he had spent a lot of time working to be the opposite of that. As I sat listening to his essay with quiet emotion, astounded by his bravery, I also felt an awful sense of foreboding as I watched another student named Jasmine, seated at her desk a few seats in front of me. She sat looking down at her desk, insecure but subdued for the moment. I was already apprehensive about her even hearing the essay. She was one of the worst people I had known in my 17 years of life, but she was also a passive aggressive coward about how she went about it. (After a disagreement with one classmate, she broke into his locker and took his books for the next period. Then went back to pretending they were good friends like the gaslighting bitch she was.)

I had a bad feeling about her hearing this guy share his essay. True to form, a few months later I was sitting a few rows ahead of her in homeroom, and heard her sharing the story of the guy's essay with some other douchey, insecure students. Her voice was carefully neutral, the way some girls are "just saying" things, but I also sensed her eagerness for the attention it would bring her. A part of me wasn't surprised, given what she was like. A bigger part of me was disgusted that even she would sink that low.

"There are a lot of wounded human beings out here, Katie," a facilitator told me, after I shared the memories from daycare to high school. She surmised that Jasmine must have been in a lot of pain, to do that. It still didn't leave me with a lot of sympathy for her.

"I kind of wonder if she thinks about that now, like if she has any regret," I told the facilitator. "Just for a second of attention, like a morsel of drama..."

"I mean it's curious about how you almost foreshadowed how she had that in her—and she did," the facilitator replied.

[halcyon-digest]

2019

Art Klaudt: Visiting my girlfriend (now wife) for the first time

Anonymous 1: choosing name

ava: every weekend in the spring taking the train downtown by myself and going to the record store and eating at the local pizza place and feeling very happy enjoying the independence

kate: I did acid for the second time in my life on the 4th of July as part of my partner's friend's tradition. It started off nice, out in a park by a lake, but then everyone decided to go to Wegman's for some reason RIGHT as we were all peaking. Let me tell you, do NOT go into a Wegman's on acid. It was so overstimulating. I remember needing to go to the bathroom and passing a rack of magazines and the repeating faces freaking me out. And just telling myself "I'm not gonna freak out, I'm not gonna freak out" while I did my business and got out. Then everyone wanted to ORDER FOOD for SOME FUCKING REASON which required TALKING TO PEOPLE and REMEMBERING WHAT TO SAY and I was like man I cannot do this. I tried to calm down outside and my partner ended up walking me back to the friend's house to chill out. (I learned later that the other two guys were also freaking out at this time but trying not to show it. lmao) When I closed my eyes I was seeing like a hyperrealistic hyperbolic burger bulging towards me and folding back in on itself. At a certain point though I looked at my partner's eyes glowing in the light coming through a dingy window and realized how gorgeous he would look in a brown suit. I told him this repeatedly and I stan by it. He needs  a brown suit. He would totally rock a brown suit.

Anonymous 2: my final for one of the few classes i hadnt dropped out of yet  in college consisted of going to a bar in the north end and playing the songs we had practiced together in front of a bunch of uninterested drunk people. it was cold and wet out but the most fun i had had in years

Lucas: I remember being in debate club, going to practices, and my debate partner

Anonymous 3: Watching a photobooth video recording of myself recounting a story of a pigeon I'd seen on the day that I made the video on, the story being my sense or feeling of the pigeon's subjective experience of her life while I sat on a bench and watched her. In the video as I told the story I started crying. In the memory I am watching that video impassively.

Anonymous 4: Chemistry I, connecting with a good friend Logan

Anonymous 5: Having a moral crisis over interactions with my friend younger than me by about one year

superswag: cool vibes

v0w0v: My friend's funeral. He died the night I got back from a road trip. I remember the day of the funeral, the people I was with, "friends", left the funeral early. I had to leave too, because I gave one of them a ride. Back at their apartment, they said they wanted to watch a movie. I put on his favorite movie. They said to turn it off because it was too sad. Nobody there knew it was his favorite movie. Then we watched "Megamind". My eyes felt like golf balls.

Anonymous 6: Welding together a broken art exhibit and feeling a searing pain on my arm as I accidentally burnt myself.

Anonymous 7: starting a tumblr with instruction from my new pepik friend.

binnie: getting to give a go at living with prior mentioned LDR and not long after experiencing psychosis and not being allowed to live with her anymore.

Anonymous 8: Having a short but intense and emotionally abusive relationship

April M. Mildew: Happy Easter. You ruined it for us because you hate us. When they are done yelling I am lying in bed and drawing a picture of a cartoon deer. I think that this new idealized self will finally make me feel whole. I don't know if I've already stopped going to high school or if that's yet to fully fall apart.