#had to go on a rant because I was thinking about how trapped and afraid I felt during the referendum 74 debate

[roboticchibitan]

I remember when same sex marriage was legized in my state (3 years before obergefel vs Hodges which legalized it nationwide). It won by a very narrow margin.

People who had taken care of me when I was young, people who were like second parents to me, (along with half the other people I knew) were saying it was the end times because I could now get married. And I couldn't help but wonder... would those people have protected me, cared for me, let me play with their children, if they had known I would grow up to be queer?

I came out in 2011. I was lucky. My parents were accepting. My mom was clearly uncomfortable at first but she made it clear she loved me no matter what.

Except.

My dad didn't care if I was queer and assured me that didn't mean there was anything wrong with me (in a speech I didn't need to hear but I think he needed to say). But he still said "that's gay" and "that's faggy" anytime my little brother showed vulnerability.

And I was a lucky one. My father used homophobic slurs around me regularly. He turned the word gay into a slur with his homophobic mouth. And I was a lucky one.

When I came out publicly, my grandmother stopped speaking to me for a while. I'm lucky that she changed her mind. I'm lucky that my grandparents let me bring my girlfriend with me when I went to visit them in October. October of 2022 and I still consider myself lucky that my grandparents let my queer partner into their house. My other grandma likewise visited with us, and was polite and friendly, but she still refused to call my gf anything other than "your friend." Still lucky. Incredibly lucky.

People don't understand just how bad things were as much as ten years ago. When I came out at school, I was lucky. No one bullied me. No one shoved me into lockers or called me slurs. They all just stopped talking to me. I became invisible. I went to a small school. I was the only person who was out. Exactly one person talked to me the rest of the year. And I was a lucky one.

When I was in middle and highschool, the go to insult was "that's gay." I heard it constantly. Every day. Sometimes people said it to me to insult me, long before I even knew I was queer.

I was lucky because the worst that happened to me was social isolation and people using slurs around me or turning my identity into a slur. No one called ME faggy. No one beat me up behind the school bleachers. I was incredibly lucky.

I have experienced the word "gay" used as a slur far more than I ever heard the word "queer" used as a slur. Young "queer is a slur and only a slur" people need to know the world you live in is not the world the rest of us live in. Why is "queer" a slur but "gay" isn't? My homophobic father thought the word "gay" conveyed just as much offense and disgust as the word "faggot." So why is queer the horrible word that can never be reclaimed but people say "that's gay" as a compliment now? The loneliest I have ever felt was in a room full of teenagers who thought my identity was the height of insults. So why is gay fine but queer isn't?

I am a fat butch queer and I do not hide that. My shoes have a pride flag on them. I have a masculine haircut and wear men's clothes. I look queer.

And I am afraid. I dress like this anyway, because I want other queer folks to know I am a safe person. I dress how I do partially because I like it but also partially so any queer person in the room, no matter now closeted, can see me and feel a little bit safer. Because I will protect other queer people with my life if need be.

Because I am openly and visibly queer and live in a world where being queer can get you killed. Because it can. Gay bashings still happen. The alt right are getting bolder in their violence, and that includes homophobic/transphobic violence. There are organizations in the US that are actively pushing to make homosexuality punishable by death in Africa. They know they could never accomplish that here. But they would if they could. People want us dead.

Young people need to understand that. And they need to understand that the people who did the most work to free us from criminalization were queer. They identified as queer. And they weren't the perfect law abiding queers toeing the line of what's acceptible. Because being queer itself was illegal. You could end up on the sex offender registry for being gay. In fact, there are queer people who are STILL registered as sex offenders just because they were queer in 2001. Pride wasn't a permitted parade with wells Fargo floats. It was angry queers illegally marching down the streets, screaming "We're here. We're queer. Get used to it."

Being openly queer is a radical act. It is still a radical act.

I did not live through Windsor vs the united states, the referendum 74 debate, my father punishing my brother for being human with homophobic slurs, and the pearl clutching fearmongering about "the gay agenda" (that was a go to phrase for 2012 homophobes) for some LGBT kid to come at me with TERF bullshit they got off tiktok about how my identity is a slur and I'm a horrible person for using it.

I was a lucky one and I'm still saying "no, absolutely not" to this bullshit.

Queer is more inclusive. Queer accounts for any possible fluidity because people change. Identities change. Queer is there for people who know they're Something Different but are not sure of the details yet. Queer is intentionally vague. When you're young you want everyone to know exactly who you are but as you get older you realize actually my identity is none of your business. In fact, sometimes when you tell someone your identity, you're handing them a bludgeon for them to hurt you with.

If you have trans classmates, you do not understand the world the rest of us grew up in. Trans people were not a public topic. They were not even acknowledged as existing by most people. I didn't know what being trans was until I was like 17. I'm nonbinary now and consider myself trans 10 years later.

And I didn't even have it that bad. But you know what? It still sucked and it was still hard and I can't imagine what it was like to grow up a decade before I did. I had it easy compared to most people.

If you can jokingly say "that's gay" when someone expresses queer love, then you can fucking handle people using the word queer as their identity.

The infighting and policing each other has to stop. You're oppressing queer people with this bullshit. It does not matter what words queer people use to describe themselves when there are people actively killing us. What are you doing? For fucks sake look at the bigger picture. Direct all that rage at our oppressors and the people who mean us harm. Queer people and he/him lesbians and bi lesbians and people who use neo pronouns and whoever else is the discourse of the day do not deserve this kind of treatment. Punch a homophobe and maybe you'll feel better.

[initialchains]

teenage dirtbag, baby! | luke castellan

pairing: luke castellan x fem!reader

summary: there is nothing more exhausting than being known as the picture perfect daughter of aphrodite… luckily, camp half-blood’s resident teenage dirtbag luke castellan can’t relate at all. fake dating him to piss off your siblings and mother could never go wrong, right? (based on 18 by anarbor)

wc: 6.5k

warnings: smoking, mentions of drinking, mentions of drugs, mentions of sex, implied sexual content, drew tanaka being a bitch, and kinda ooc luke bcs hes meant to be well … a teenage dirtbag.

a/n: its still valentine’s day for me sooo happy valentines 💌�� !! in mexico valentine’s day is also known as the day of friendship so this one is dedicated to my favorite people ever: @emiliehornby @love-that-we-were-in and @kestisvrse <3 !! hope you enjoy it mwah !!

The sounds of campers laughing and gossiping in the dining pavilion are drowned out by your siblings and their annoyingly loud whispers about the allegedly cute (you’d beg to differ) son of Ares who joined camp less than twelve hours ago. Sure, he seemed like a nice guy even though he's a child of the god of war, but you were certain the only reason they kept bringing him up was because they wanted to set you up with him.

“And his arms, oh my gods! Have you seen them?” one of your brothers chimed in, trying to get you to agree with him, but all you could come up with was a hum and a polite smile. 

It pissed you off a bit, the knowledge of you never being able to go against your siblings' wishes.. the fear of disappointing them and your mother being all-consuming and blinding you with fear.

There were times you’d think about it if you’re being honest. Times where you would let yourself dream of doing something so stupidly reckless for once. Something that would stop your siblings from walking all over you and treating you like their personal lapdog. 

Not only was it tiring but it was also humiliating to a certain point. You were older than most of them and you were pretty sure you were the only one that took being a demigod seriously, even taking your time to strategize for Capture The Flag with Clarisse, and yet… you rejected Chiron when he asked you to be a counselor and told him to ask Silena instead. 

And you loved your family—you really did, but it was getting exhausting. Always having to be perfect was draining you and you were afraid of the kind of person you’d become if you allowed this to keep going. 

“He totally wants to ask you out,” Silena’s voice snapped you out of the daze you were trapped in. You turned your head to the right, facing your half-sister with a small frown on your face.

“You really think so?” you replied, trying your best to sound excited. 

“Oh, I know so,” she answered before going on a whole rant about how cute you’d look with the newly claimed son of Ares. A son of Ares—that you badly wanted to remind her—had only been in camp for less than twelve hours and you knew nothing about. 

You stayed in the dining pavilion with your siblings until you found the strength to tell them you were tired and wanted to go to sleep (an incredibly blatant lie but it didn’t look like they cared) and stood up, brushing the dust off your jeans.

“Wait, I’ll go with you!” Silena said with a smile, standing up and moving closer to you. 

“You don’t have to. You can stay with them if you want to, really—“ you were cut off by your half-sister with an exasperated sigh.

“I want to go with you. Plus, I can walk back here once I drop you off at the cabin,” she stated with a playful roll of her eyes.

The two of you walked back to the Aphrodite cabin in a comfortable silence. You liked being with Silena, she was a few years younger than you but she carried herself with so much grace and love it was hard to feel uncomfortable or weird whenever you hung out with her.

You kept your gaze on the sky, noticing that the moon was out by now. “Hey,” Silena whispered, trying to get your attention.

“You okay?” you answered. Your mind was practically hardwired to always look after your siblings, so your brain was unwillingly making you think of the worst-case scenario.

“What? Yeah, I am okay,” Silena was quick to reassure you, “I just wanted to talk to you about—“

“I swear to all the gods, Silena. If this is about that camper..” you replied with a small sigh. The two of you stopped walking when you reached your cabin, deciding to continue the conversation outside.

“He’s not that bad! He is a nice guy and the two of you would look really cute together,” she insisted.

“You don’t even know him.”

“Ugh, fine. Good thing is there are other cute campers we can introduce you to. I met one of Charlie’s brothers a few weeks ago and I think he’d—“

“I can’t do this tonight,” you replied in an exhausted tone.

“Wow, okay. No need to be mean about it,” Silena muttered.

“I’m sorry?”

“I’ve been trying to help you find a boyfriend for months now and you always shut me down. It was fine at first but now you’re just being mean,” she explained.

“Mean? Silena, you said it yourself. I’ve always shut you down because I’m not interested in getting one.”

“Whatever,” she replied bitterly before turning around and walking back to the dining pavilion, leaving you alone outside of your cabin. 

You stared at her back as she walked away, going through the last few minutes over and over in your head. Were you being mean? All you did was stick up for yourself. You didn’t understand why you were feeling bad for standing up against your siblings just for once.

A snort made you realize you weren’t alone. You turned your head towards the noise just to be met with.. oh.

Luke Castellan was leaning against the side of your cabin, carefully hidden under the darkness of the night and the shadows of the trees, he had a cigarette in his right hand and an obnoxious smirk adorning his even more obnoxious face. 

“Hope you enjoyed the show, Castellan.”

Luke raised his hands as if he had been caught and blew the smoke away, “I’m on your side, she was being a fucking bitch.”

“Don’t call her that, she’s just a kid.”

Luke raised a brow before taking another drag of his cigarette, “Do not call your sister a bitch after seeing her.. be a bitch to you?” he shook his head. “Oh, princess, you need to work on getting rid of that altruism.”

“Do you even know what that word means?” you snapped, not being in the mood to indulge in whatever it was he wanted to talk about.

“Why? You want to teach me?” He said with a smirk.

“Don’t even start with your annoying stuff, Castellan,” you muttered, running a hand down your face, clearly overwhelmed with everything that had happened. 

“Because you know you won’t want me to stop?” he pressed, but after a moment of silence his smirk fell and a frown took over his features. 

“Uh.. you want to...” he trailed off and cleared his throat, “you want to talk about it or something?” 

You squinted at him before eventually letting out a sigh and walking over to Luke, standing next to him with your back pressed against the wooden walls of your cabin. Luke extended his arm away from you to keep the smoke far from your face. 

“So, um... Silena wants to set me up with that new camper,” you started.

“Fuck. The Ares one?” Luke interrupted.

“Castellan.”

“Right, sorry. Please continue, princess.”

You decided to ignore the insufferable pet name he gave you and continued, “The thing is I do want a boyfriend, just not… him.”

Luke hummed before bringing the cigarette to his lips again and inhaling the smoke in, he kept his mouth closed as he thought of something decent to say before slightly tilting his head away from you and blowing out the smoke upwards. 

“Alright, and have you tried telling her to stop?” he cut himself off and shook his head. “Nope that was shitty advice, have you tried maybe describing your type or whatever it is you Aphrodite people say to describe the people you’re attracted to.” 

“My type?” you replied, almost offended by the statement.

“Yeah?” Luke answered as if it was the most obvious thing to do, “Just describe the type of guys you’re into and I’m sure that cult of yours you like to call siblings will be happy to help…” he trailed off when he noticed your gaze set on his right hand and your bottom lip in between your teeth as he flicked the cigarette, causing the ashes to fall into the ground. 

He looked up from his hand and burst out into laughter, shaking his head before whispering an amused fuck. 

“Oh?” Luke said with a bright smile and raised brows, “You find this attractive, angel?” 

“That thing is going to kill you,” you explained, “I’m not attracted to people that like to slowly kill themselves.” 

“Fucking bummer. I wanted to see you take a drag, that would’ve been really hot,” he said, his smile not wavering. “Next thing you’re going to tell me is that you don’t drink, right?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Look at you, being such a good girl,” Luke teased before throwing the rest of his cigarette to the ground and stepping on it. 

“Also, that thing you said about Silena being just a kid was really fucking stupid. She’s almost the same age as Annabeth and she doesn’t act like an asshole, I’m pretty sure your sweet little sister is just a bitch.” 

Annabeth. You forgot that even though Luke is an annoyance most of the time and prefers to stick to himself.. he still has a soft spot for the twelve year old daughter of Athena. It was kind of endearing. 

“Annabeth is a daughter of Athena, you can’t expect her to act—“

“You didn’t act like Silena when you were fourteen. You need to stop giving her excuses and allow yourself to get mad at her.” 

“I’d rather have my siblings get mad at me and just stop perceiving me as this perfect and weak person, maybe once that happens they’ll stop trying to mess with my life,” you explained, your gaze set towards the ground. 

Luke was about to open his mouth and try to come up with a funny one-liner to make you feel better, but he didn’t get to because you were quick to look up at him with a gasp and wide eyes.

“The fuck? Are you okay?” 

“I need you.”

“Shit, angel. Most girls say that after a few dates but I’m not against the idea,” he said with an amused look in his eyes. 

“Ew, no. I mean, I need to date you—fake date you.”

“I’m uh... not for sale?” Luke answered, clearly confused by the plan you were trying to explain.

“No, Castellan. Listen to me. My siblings despise you, I’m sure they’d set my bed on fire as a way of cleansing my soul from you if they find out we’re dating.”

Luke’s eyes got bright and his smile widened (if that was even possible), “Set your bed on fire? And what would we do in your bed for them to feel disgusted by its existence?”

“You’re disgusting. Anyway, if we fake date I’ll get to stop being perceived as their perfect sister and you’ll have bragging rights for dating an Aphrodite kid,” you said, moving your hands as you spoke. 

“I’m pretty sure Drew started the rumors about me having lice and smuggling coke into camp, are you sure you want to fake date me of all people?” Luke asked carefully, trying to make you think about what was at stake. He didn’t give a shit about staining his already nonexistent reputation, but he couldn’t have you ruin yours. 

“I am so sure, Castellan,” you reassured him. 

“You know, for a good girl I’m extremely surprised you never say please.”

“Please, Castellan. Could you please be my fake boyfriend so I can finally stop being seen as my siblings' personal toy?” you said with a fake smile while bringing your hands together as an exaggerated way of begging Luke to say yes. 

“You’re so cute when you beg. But you need to prove to me you’re serious about this fake dating thing. Meet me tomorrow at the bonfire, no bullshit.” 

꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱

You had been on edge the entire day. Silena seemed to be past the argument, which made you feel better to an extent, but that didn’t seem to shake the uneasy feeling that settled in your gut because throughout the day you could feel someone staring at you. You could feel Luke staring at you.  

You were walking past the sword fighting arena with Katie Gardner from the Demeter Cabin the first time it happened. The feeling of a pair of eyes completely set on you. You turned your head to the right just to be met with Luke’s exhausted figure, he was sweating and panting, but that didn’t stop him from running his eyes up and down your figure and smiling at you. 

To say Katie was disgusted would be an understatement. A “Castellan is a dick, you should stay away from him,” was enough to stop you from staring at him and turning your head back to Katie. She went on to explain how Luke was a “real shitty person” and only hooked up with her as a way of getting her to grow weed in the back of the stables. 

It happened around eight times in the last two hours (not that you were counting) and it only got worse when the moon came up and everyone was making their way to the bonfire. You were walking next to Michael Yew when you felt a hand on your lower back. 

Luke’s hand on your lower back, to be exact. He left it there as he walked past you, only turning his head back to say “It’s adorable to see you together, are you two a couple?” 

You had to hold yourself back from strangling him when you heard his irritating laugh after he saw Michael’s reaction to his statement. Michael tried his best to be polite and tell him he was wrong, that there was nothing going on between the two of you. 

But his reply only seemed to fuel Luke’s actions even more because all he did was answer with a cocky “Oh, I know. Our princess here is only into... what was it? People that like to slowly kill themselves with cigarettes?” before walking away.

You were going to kill him.

Michael left your side as soon as you arrived, moving to sit with his siblings from the Apollo Cabin… leaving you with two choices: sitting with your siblings or sitting next to Luke (who for some reason always sat alone and spent the entire time listening to the music coming from the MP3 player he somehow managed to get into camp). 

So this is what Luke meant, you thought. This was the only way you could prove to him and everyone that you were serious about dating him—fake dating him—but it's not like they would ever know the truth.

You dragged your feet as you walked towards Luke, clearly having second thoughts about your plan, but there was no turning back now. You tried to ignore the confused look Drew was giving you and the gasps you could hear coming from your siblings. 

“I’m pretty sure Drew started the rumors about me having lice and smuggling coke into camp, are you sure you want to fake date me of all people?” You weren't so sure anymore but that didn’t stop you from taking a seat next to Luke Castellan, who took one of his earphones off and looked at you with a smile. 

“Happy now? I just proved how serious I am about this,” you whispered to him, trying your best to not let anyone hear you.

Luke nodded before saying, “You could’ve done better, but I’ll take it.”

“Done better? I just sat next to you in front of the entire camp, isn’t this good enough for you?” you asked, indignation evident in your tone. 

“Promise not to beat me up?” Luke said before pulling your arm and manhandling your body so you were on top of him, sitting on his lap. He placed his hands on your hips and looked up at you with stars in his eyes.

“Wow, Castellan. How scandalous, I’m sitting on your lap,” you deadpanned. 

He chuckled, bringing you closer to him and pressing his lips against yours. Luke’s hands felt like fire against your skin, all you could feel was a heat taking all over your body as he continued to kiss you, only pulling away to catch his breath before bringing you in for another one, this time he kissed you deeper and faster. 

Luke dragged you closer to him by pressing your hips against his and all you could do was melt into him and the feeling of his lips against yours. In the distance, you could hear gasps and people gagging, and you were pretty sure the campers from the Ares Cabin were cheering and whistling, but all your thoughts were on Luke Castellan and how good of a kisser he is.

You pulled away first this time, trying to steady your breathing as you looked into his eyes. He licked his lips before whispering “We should go.”

Your eyes widened as soon as he said that, the implications of what the sentence meant making you feel nervous. Luke was quick to reassure you, “If we leave, your siblings will be even more outraged. We don’t have to do anything, but they’ll think we are doing…some stuff. Just come to the woods with me for a little while.” 

You nodded and grabbed his hand as he guided you through the woods. You could hear Silena calling out your name and warning you about the consequences of your actions, but her voice was drowned out by the loud cheers coming from Clarisse.

Once the two of you were far enough from the rest of the campers, Luke let go of your hand and sat down by the lake, nodding his head as a way of asking you to join him.

You sat in silence for a few minutes until Luke spoke first. “How long do you think we should keep this thing up?”

“Valentina and Drew will want us to be over by tonight,” you said with a smile, a laugh escaping your lips. You didn’t notice how Luke’s eyes got brighter when he heard your laugh or how the melody that came out of your lips went straight through his heart and made him feel more alive.

“But I think a week should be enough. We can say we’ve been secretly dating for like... five months? That way it won’t be weird if we break up in a week,” you explained while your fingers played with your camp necklace. 

Luke nodded before going silent again, staring at the lake with a look you couldn’t quite comprehend. Your gaze was set on him, your eyes traveling from his toned arms, all the way to the scar that sat right below his right eye. 

“I know it’s awful, I can feel you staring at it,” he murmured. You could physically feel your heart sinking when he said it. You cleared your throat, “No, I… I think it’s beautiful. I think you’re—” Luke turned his head to face you, an inquisitive look in his eyes. “I think you’re really brave, Luke.” 

“Beautiful?” Luke asked, confusion written all over his face. “You should hear what your siblings say about it, then. I’m sure your opinion would change in a second.” 

“Being an Aphrodite kid means you see beauty everywhere,” you explained, “And I think your scar must be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Luke stared at you with an unreadable expression, making your heart almost beat out of your chest. 

“Are you flirting with me, angel?”

“Of course, you’d ruin the moment. Screw you, man.” You rolled your eyes. 

Luke threw his head back in a fit of laughter, it made you want to strangle him… again. “Did you just say screw you? Gods, princess, saying fuck won’t kill you.” 

“I don’t like to curse, thank you for pointing it out, Castellan,” you said, playfully shoving him, making him fake a gasp. 

“You went from trying to seduce me to trying to kill me, you’re so interesting, angel,” he said before letting out a sigh. “It, uh… It was really hard at first, getting used to the scar.”

“Having people call it all sorts of names, and looking at me with nothing but pity in their eyes was not easy to get used to. But after some time you just… stop caring. I mean, I’m not that big of an asshole to hold a grudge over a fucking scar, it even looks sick. But yeah, when it gets hard again all I can do is snort a line and move on.

“The coke smuggling was real?” you gasped, only focusing on the last sentence he said. Luke tried to keep a straight face but his facade fell the moment he noticed your wide eyes. Luke Castellan has the type of laugh that makes everything get fuzzy and makes you feel lightheaded, and all you wanted to do was to come up with bad jokes just for the sole reason of hearing him do it again. 

“Fuck, you really believe anything, huh?”

“Shut up, Castellan. I’ll literally stab you and let you slowly bleed to death,” you threatened, standing up from your place next to him. Luke followed you as you walked back to the cabins.

“You do know I’m the best swordsman in the last 300 years, right? Do you even know how to wield a sword?” he asked, matching your pace and walking next to you. 

“Low blow, just because I don’t like to indulge in violence it doesn’t mean I don’t know how to wield a sword,” you retorted. 

Luke snorted a laugh, “You don’t know, do you?”

“No, I don’t. Will you shut up now?”

“I only will if you accept to let me teach you how to fight tomorrow,” Luke said with a tilt to his head. He didn’t even give you a chance to answer because he walked away from you while saying a loud “Meet me tomorrow morning in the sword fighting arena.” 

꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱

You were sure you were seconds away from passing out. It's been around two hours of sparring with Luke and your arms and legs were about to give out. The sun was starting to come out, which meant this torture was nearly over. At least that’s what Luke promised. “We’ll stop as soon as the other campers wake up, that way you won’t have to be embarrassed if they see your… skills.”

The two of you circled each other, your swords were raised and Luke’s blade was pointing straight at you. Luke took a second to study your stance before lunging forward, his sword meeting yours as you quickly blocked his attack. “Not too bad, huh?” Luke teased before trying to get another hit, his moves becoming more calculated the longer you kept blocking his advances. Proving he wasn’t called the best swordsman at camp for nothing. 

With a disarming maneuver you weren’t aware of, Luke was quick to throw your sword to the ground and have you stumbling back, not being able to regain your footing. Luke gave you a smirk when your body hit the ground with a small thud, “That was easy,” he said, “We should do this more often.” 

“Nope, this is a one-time thing, Castellan,” Luke rolled his eyes before bringing the blade of his sword closer to you, reaching for your chin with a glint in his eyes. The blade met your chin and Luke lifted it, making you meet his gaze as he slowly made you stand up by raising his sword even higher. 

The two of you stood still, staring intently into each other’s eyes until you heard it—the sound of the Ares Cabin making their way to the arena. Luke let out a surprised shit, dropped his sword to the ground, and walked closer to you, cupping your jaw with his right hand and kissing you. 

Your lips met in a hurried collision, causing the same fire from yesterday to set in your stomach. Your hands moved to Luke’s hair, softly pulling it as the kiss got heated. You knew this was fake, you knew this kiss meant nothing to him… but you didn’t want him to stop. “Holy fuck, are you two always sucking each other’s faces?” Clarisse’s voice cut through the moment, causing you to pull away from Luke, unable to meet his gaze. 

“Yeah, that’s what being in a relationship entails. I don’t think you’d know much about it, La Rue,” Luke breathes out.

“Don’t you have weed to sell or a cheap bottle of vodka to down, Castellan?” 

“Aw, you know me so well,” Luke answered before picking up both of your swords and grabbing your hand, walking away from the arena. 

The following days were (and you hated to admit it) filled with the most fun you’ve ever had. Luke would come up with some insane idea for a fake date and it would always end with one of you lying about seeing a camper or hearing Silena’s voice as an excuse to make out with each other. 

There was this one time the two of you were having a picnic by the strawberry fields and the day ended with the two of you hiding in the empty forge while making out, running your hands over each other’s bodies, and doing the normal stuff fake couples always do… it all happened because Luke swore he heard Valentina’s voice near the fields. (You were sure Valentina had been on the stables that entire day because she had cleaning duty, but why wouldn’t you play along with something you also wanted to do?)  

It was Sunday–the last day of your fake relationship–when Silena finally found the guts to talk to you about Luke. You even felt slightly bad for the girl because she was so nervous when she sat next to you in the dining pavilion. 

“I..um... I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” she began, “Well, there are lots of things for me to apologize for, but I think it’s pretty obvious what the main problem is.” 

“The way I’ve been treating you is not okay and I’m really ashamed of it. You shouldn’t have to feel pressured to be the person we want you to be, I used to see you as someone who couldn’t do things on her own and always needed someone to push her and help her handle everything… and now I see I was wrong,” Silena explained, running a hand through her hair. 

“It’s fine, Silena. I don’t mind.”

“Well, I do. You’re strong and more than capable of doing things on your own, and you don’t need me to try and help you or fix you.” She took a deep breath. “I didn't know you were dating Luke, and to be honest I didn’t even know he was your type. He is so… weird and I never would’ve guessed you were dating. I mean, Drew told me he does cocaine and—”

“He doesn’t,” you interrupted.

Silena raised a brow before continuing, “Anyway, I’m sorry if I ever made you feel bad for just... existing. And you always look so happy after hanging out with Luke, I truly hope the two of you stay together for a long time.” 

You didn’t even know how to explain the situation so you just blurted out “I broke up with him.” 

Silena looked shocked for a few seconds before letting out a deep breath, “Oh, thank the gods. Just because we trust you it doesn’t mean we trust him,” she spat the him with so much disgust it made you feel sick. “You deserve so much better.” 

꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱

This is probably the first time you have ever felt ill at the thought of seeing Luke. Sure, you used to be annoyed by his presence before the whole fake dating situation even started, but at least you were a strange type of friends back then. Not really close but also not complete strangers. There were times you’d catch him hiding his secret stash of weed behind the stables and didn’t tell anyone, and he’d always pay you back by lying to Chiron about you practicing your sword skills with him. (You had only used a sword once and it was years ago when you were still a new camper, you had no idea why Chiron would ever believe him.)

Luke was sitting in his usual spot by the lake, a cigarette in his hand. It had become a tradition for the two of you to always meet up by the lake before curfew to talk about your day and practice your kissing so it wouldn’t look fake. 

“Hey,” you said, taking a seat next to him. Luke threw his cigarette to the ground, stepped on it, and almost instinctively wrapped an arm around your waist, kissing your temple. “Blink-182?” you asked, nodding at the MP3 he had on his lap. 

“The Smashing Pumpkins,” Luke answered, taking his earphones off. “Mellon Collie And The Infinite Sadness is one of the best albums ever made.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’ll take your word for it,” you said. Luke smiled and poked your side. 

“So, there’s something I need to talk to you about,” you began, but Luke held up his hand as a way to get you to stop.

“Can I say something first?” he asked, looking shy for probably the first time since the day you met him. 

You nodded and let him take the lead of the conversation. “Alright, so… I’m kind of shit with words so I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense but this past week has probably been the best week of my life. And I’m not even fucking around, I don’t have many friends–apart from Annabeth, and getting to be with you is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

“Being your friend is the greatest gift the gods have ever given me, and sometimes I feel like I don’t even deserve it. I’m a mess of a person, and you’re well… you’re you,” Luke stared deeply into your eyes, “And I just wanted to let you know that—”

Luke didn’t get to finish his sentence because this time it was you who cut him off with a kiss. You could taste the cigarette on his lips as he brought you closer to him, running a hand down your back and deepening the kiss before pulling away and moving to kiss your neck. 

Luke began to trail kisses down your throat and only stopped to whisper a low “Look at you, what would Aphrodite say? I’m sure she’d be proud.”

Aphrodite.

You pushed him away the moment you remembered your mother. “Silena apologized. We can stop pretending now.”

Luke was silent and just stared at you, his fingers moving to fidget with the wire of his earphones. “Oh, right,” he cleared his throat. “It’s Sunday, I forgot.”

You knew he didn’t.

“Yup, so we can go back to normal now,” you said, looking away from his eyes because you knew it would only take one look into them for you to kiss him again.

“Good,” Luke stood up, not daring to even shoot you a glance, and walked away. Leaving you alone by the lake with the lingering smell of his cheap stolen cologne mixed with the cigarette he was smoking. 

It didn’t help that you were welcomed into your cabin with hugs and your siblings congratulating you for breaking up with the son of Hermes. Sure, you weren’t the perfect sister anymore because you dated Luke Friendless-Freak Castellan, but knowing they liked you just because you were with him and then broke his heart made you want to set the cabin on fire. 

The main rule of the Aphrodite Cabin was something your siblings were extremely proud of, but the thought of its existence made you want to storm into Mount Olympus by yourself and yell at your mother for putting all these useless ideas into their heads. 

For a child of Aphrodite to prove themselves, they must make someone fall in love with them and then break that someone's heart. 

Is it possible for the rule to backfire? For the child of Aphrodite to accidentally fall in love with someone and then break their own heart because of it? You didn’t even know if that was an option, but you were sure that’s exactly what you were going through right now. 

It was hard for you to go to sleep that night because your mind kept replaying the past week on a loop. Your conversation with Luke by your cabin. The night of the bonfire. The conversation by the lake about his scar. Sparring with him. Going on a million fake dates. The night on the forge. Your last conversation with him. 

“Look at you, what would Aphrodite say? I’m sure she’d be proud.” 

꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱

You could feel Luke staring at you. Again. 

You were helping Annabeth strategize for Capture The Flag, because she had the brilliant idea to have the Athena cabin team up with Hermes and Aphrodite. You didn’t know much about fighting and spent most of the time sitting with your sisters during the game, but that didn’t mean you didn’t enjoy helping them come up with new plans. 

Once the three of you were done, Annabeth excused herself with an awkward “I think Malcolm wanted me to help him go through some maps. You two have fun… chatting!” and left as fast as she could, leaving you alone with Luke. 

You watched her leave the amphitheater and turned around to face Luke, “I can see why you like her. She’s so much like you.”

“Yeah, she’s like my little sister.”

The silence was so uncomfortable you almost broke down crying. You nodded and turned around, not being strong enough to face him, and walked away. You could hear him behind you, following you.

“Can we talk?” he pleaded.

You were about to open your mouth when Drew’s voice made you turn your head. “Gods, Castellan. It’s so embarrassing to still be hung up on your ex.” 

Luke sighed, “Hello to you too, Tanaka.” 

“Can you leave her alone? She doesn’t want to talk to you,” Drew said through a fake smile. 

“Oh, really? Did she tell you that?” Luke answered, tilting his head as he spoke and making eye contact with you. Wordlessly begging you to please talk to him. 

You stayed silent and looked away from him. Luke let out an incredulous laugh before nodding his head. “Good to know you’re back to being their little pet.” 

Drew rolled her eyes and walked away, shoving Luke as she walked past him. “So? You’re just not going to say anything?” Luke said. 

“What do you want me to say, Castellan?” 

“Tell me that last week didn’t mean anything to you,” Luke answered, his voice trembling. 

“Why do you care? I thought I was nothing but Drew’s little pet,” you replied, trying your best to not look weak in front of him.

Luke ran a hand through his hair and stepped closer to you, “I’m sure you’re thinking the exact same thing about yourself.” 

You hated that he was right.

The truth made your blood boil. “I don’t want any of your shit,” Luke let out a genuine laugh this time, a mocking look in his eyes. “Oh, so now she can curse?” 

You hated him for seeing the real you. You hated him for knowing the truth. You hated yourself for loving him.

“Fuck you, Castellan,” Luke hummed before stepping even closer to you and placing a hand on your waist, leaning to whisper in your ear. “I’m sure you’d love to do that again, right?” Luke’s smell was taking all over your senses and making your knees go weak. He continued, “Because even if we do it in the darkness of the Forge… it is still two friends fake dating because your mother might be watching.” 

You found the strength to press your hands against his chest and push him away, “Don’t talk to me ever again.” 

You spent the rest of the day with your siblings and friends, too afraid to leave their side because you didn’t trust yourself. Because you knew that if you were left alone for a second—you’d run straight to him. 

You sat next to Silena in the dining pavilion. Helped Katie and the Dyonisus cabin grow more strawberries by keeping them company. Walked with Michael to the bonfire, and stayed with Drew throughout the entire singalong. 

As always, Luke was sitting by himself, his MP3 player in his hand and his eyes were set on you. 

You walked back to your cabin when the singalong was over and helped your siblings get ready for bed. You were about to go to sleep when Valentina whispered your name, saying she had something for you.

“We found it last night under your bed, Drew wanted to give it to the harpies but I managed to take it away from her,” a frown made its way to your face.”What do you mean?”

“We found this,” She pulled out a badly wrapped gift from under her pillows. You were confused until she told you to open it.

 It was a bright pink MP3 player. 

“Oh,” you whispered, your hands shook as you stared at it. “I’ve got to—”

“It’s okay,” Valentina whispered. “He’s probably by the lake.”

You gave your half-sister a hug before running out of your cabin, and making your way to the lake. You could see Luke’s silhouette in the distance, and the sight only made you run faster.

You took a moment to catch your breath before saying, “The Smashing Pumpkins?”

Luke turned around at the sound of your voice. “Blink-182” he answered with a small smirk.

“Uh, of course,” you said as you walked closer to him. “Alright, listen. You were right.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Oh, fuck off,” you continued with a smile. “So, it turns out I may or may not be in love with this certain guy, and he may or may not be my type or whatever it is my siblings say.”

Luke took a step closer to you. “There’s a chance this guy thinks I’m going through a phase and only fake dated him to piss off my siblings and mother but the truth is… I don’t even care about them whenever I’m with him.” 

His hand moved to caress your cheek, “That’s cute and all but how does this guy know you truly mean that?” 

“I’m not going to make out with him at the bonfire, so I guess all he needs to do is believe me,” you whispered, your eyes moving from Luke’s eyes to his lips.

Luke smiled before answering, “Believe you? That’s alright with me,” and pressing his lips to yours.

Luke was right. Aphrodite would be proud. 

[dragon-ascent]

Hello, how are you ? Since you have open request I’d like to ask something : How do you think our favorite dragon Zhongli will react to his wife being accused of lying because they have corrected an historian on a false fact about Morax ?

Since English isn’t my first language I’m afraid this is not clear, I’m sorry.

Ooh, I like it, here's what I've come up with <3

-----

The tension is palpable and certainly not what you were hoping to land yourself in when you accepted Zhongli's request to be his plus-one aboard the Pearl Galley.

"Forgive me, Mr. Changying, but that's where I'll have to correct you," you tell the stocky man before you. The food and drinks on the table are long-untouched. "Rex Lapis didn't take on such a grand ten-headed and eight-armed form to exterminate those sea creatures. In fact, he personally went door to door to trap them in little Geo contraptions, even having a bit of trouble with the.... particularly wrigglier ones."

Changying's eyes practically roll into the back of his head. "Do you truly believe that rubbish just because that is what's commonly peddled? That the Geo archon, who could raise the mountains and calm the tides without breaking a sweat, found the task of getting rid of tiny sea creatures tedious and challenging?"

Sighing, you say, "Even the gods are subject to being less-than-perfect in their methods. And besides, the damn things were inside people's houses - brute strength would not have been handy at all. Rex Lapis needed to be careful and meticulous so that none of his people were harmed. Hence the Geo cages."

Despite how neatly you'd presented your counterpoint, Changying merely scoffs as he adjusts his glasses. He jabs a finger at you accusingly. "You're lying, just like everyone else," he growls, "and you clearly have no respect for our late archon! Do you even like him?"

Your breath nearly hitches in your throat as you gaze up at him in shock. "Ex...excuse me?"

The man pulls no punches as he continues his rant against you. "How can you so blindly believe what the masses think? Maybe if you were a real Rex Lapis follower like me, you would learn some critical thinking skills and draw more accurate conclusions!"

"I'm afraid I am on the side of my partner here, Mr. Changying," cuts in Zhongli, placing an arm on your shoulder. Relief floods your veins as you let out the breath you'd been holding. "They are correct in explaining that Rex Lapis had to go the simplistic route when dealing with Liyue's sea creature infestation."

Changying's eyes grow wide. "Forgive me, Mr. Zhongli," he murmurs, and you're not ignorant to the way his tone mellows out and becomes more respectful as he continues to speak. "I didn't know you were also in agreement of that story. But let me explain why he likely-"

"It is alright for you to have your own interpretations of events, especially for a being with an expansive history that is always being debated over," says Zhongli calmly, poised as always, "but when these interpretations are unrealistic and you still try to present them as fact...while belittling other people, no less...the line must be drawn somewhere, yes?"

Changying blanches, stammering, "Er, but don't you think Rex Lapis would appreciate deviating thought processes more, especially when..."

Zhongli's eyes narrow ever so slightly, his visage still calm as a pond. "Perhaps so, but what he would not appreciate is his people trying to one-up others in an attempt to prove they are his most loyal followers." Your husband glances at you. "I know my partner well, and they love Rex Lapis dearly. Not only do you accuse them of lying, you also undermine the love they hold for the deity."

His hand brushes against yours and he interlaces his fingers with you, giving a gentle, reassuring squeeze. You smile softly.

Changying scrambles for words, useless excuses and explanations that hardly justify him being on his high horse.

Zhongli, unamused, fires his parting shot. "Far be it for an ordinary man like myself to tell you what to do, but here is some advice: gather reliable citations for your claims, provide succinct evidence, and be respectful of those with opposing views, and perhaps then Rex Lapis would consider you a favorite of his."

With that, Zhongli escorts you away from the scene, knowing full well you will always be his favorite by far - the approving smile he gives you conveys that perfectly.

[miraculousares]

Okay so I have some thoughts about the end of full moon and more specifically on Blitzø's rant at the end. I already posted a little analysis about how he only knows how to communicate through raw emotion, and I think that his venting is such a clear example of that. I feel like this is the most honest Blitzø has been at least in the last 15 years if not ever, and I can't stop thinking about how hard he's trying to talk openly with Stolas. So spoilers for Full Moon obviously.

*deep breath*

"What? Fuck you, Stolas! You spring this feelings bullshit on me, are you fucking kidding?!"

As we well know, Blitzø has never felt worthy of love. He's always blown up every relationship (sorry for the pun) he's ever been in. Be it romantic, platonic, familial, even in the workplace he struggles. So the few occasions when Stolas has thrown out hints that he might love Blitzø for more than the sex, he's never been able to even process it. Stolas has never given him a clear indication that he feels anything more than horny for him and without any warning he's suddenly confessing his love in the middle of what Blitzø thought was just yet another transactional bang sesh.

"Can I get a fucking minute to think?"

Sure, Blitzø got the chance to have a genuine, in the moment conversation with Fizz, but that was nothing compared to this. He'd had 15 years to process his feelings of regret and he was someone he'd been vulnerable with before, albeit a long time ago. Here, trapped in a huge silent room with Stolas and all of his half-processed feelings that are tangled around so many other problems, Blitzø has no tools for this type of situation.

"After everything you put me through you pompous, rich asshole!"

While it hurts to say, Stolas really has put Blitzø through a lot. Aside from everything I'm gonna mention with the next line, he's hurt Blitzø time and time again. Be it covering his face at Ozzie's, humiliating him on stage at the Harvest Moon Festival, constantly degrading him and reminding him of his 'impish' lower status. It's obvious to the viewer that Stolas does care so deeply for Blitzø and that he's trying to change and atone for all of that, to Blitzø all he's done is give him space for a few months and then suddenly confess his feelings out of nowhere.

"Treat me like one of your little butler imps, you can't just dismiss me like that. I mean you royal fucks think you can do this every time. Like you can just play with our feelings because we're smaller and not as important!"

Okay here we go, diving into probably the biggest problem they have to tackle before they can truly accept love from one another: the class difference. Stolas' palace is crawling with imp servants who are treated as objects by the whole family and Blitzø has seen that. And then there's Blitzø, who is being treated with the respect of a living, breathing, independent-thinking demon but that's about it. He still talks down to him and goes so far as calling him his plaything on several occasions. I don't know exactly how the horns work/feel for imps, but I imagine Blitzø having a cigarette put out on his probably felt degrading at best. To Blitzø, he's providing a service for Stolas in exchange for reward, just like the rest of his servants. They both clearly know how wrong that is, but that dynamic needs to be seriously broken down from both ends before anything could possibly work between them. Blitzø is trying to do that with this line, he's trying so hard to tell Stolas how it made him feel because it hurt him but he wants to fix things.

"Well I'm not letting you, bitch! Let's go!"

Fuuuuuuuck this line hit me so hard. This whole time, he's been venting and yelling and in doing that he's sorting through how he feels. He's being confronted with something so far out of his comfort zone but instead of trying to run or hide like he usually would, he's trying to figure things out because no matter how afraid he is he clearly wants to have this conversation. He's trying to open it up to Stolas after airing out everything he was able to sort through, he's telling him that he wants to have this conversation.

"Stolas wait, I'm s-"

God this is so heartbreaking and I know a lot of people are pissed off about how Full Moon ended, I honestly think that this was perfect writing for each of these characters. Stolas has only ever been talked to in fanciful language, subtle comments, and straight abusive yelling, he doesn't know how to hear anything Blitzø is saying and instead only hears his tone and his harsh words. But Blitzø doesn't know how to communicate any other way and gah this argument/confession/breakup was exactly what they needed to push them forward to actually facing the problems between them rather than tiptoing around them

[third-generation-female-warrior]

As we get closer to the finale of the Bad Batch, I'd like to post something that's been in my head for a while.

I want to take an in-dept look at the theme of the show and how I think that shapes the ending.

Firstly, we'll need to look at the theme of the show.

The Bad Batch is a story about a group of rogue clones who must survive the rise of the Empire. Okay, that's what happens, but that's not the theme.

The theme is what the story is about. The lesson you want your audience to walk away with. It is the singular thing that shapes the character arcs and choices, from the protagonists to the antagonists.

I would argue that the theme of the Bad Batch is, "Our strength comes from our individuality and differences" and "We need to make our own choices and let people make their own choices; blind allegiance is the downfall of us all." There's also an ongoing argument about loyalty, but that's a different rant.

From the beginning, it's all been about individuality, and how stripping that away is wrong. The inhibitor chips was the first overarching plot device to further this argument.

The chips take away the individuality of the clones by making them a part of a monolithic hivemind. Gone are the individuals who fought with the Jedi, and in came the Empire. The sterile, uniform Empire where individuality and free thought is treated as dangerous and treacherous.

Our heroes, the titular Bad Batch, retain their individuality and differences and disobedient streak and are celebrated as a virtue, and, for the most part, do not fall into the trappings of becoming the monolith.

Now let's talk about Crosshair, specifically.

Crosshair, however different, fell into the Empire, thinking he was going to be heralded as better and superior than the other clones. His choice to stay with the Empire was a choice at first, but even when it was, this was treated as bad in the narration. Even if it was his choice, he came to ultimate realization that... no, he's not different than the other clones in the eyes of the Empire. He's not treated different or better. He's a number. He's cannon fodder. His blind allegiance almost led to his death (not for the first time (Bracca, anyone?)). It led to Mayday's death as they both realized too late: "We were good soldiers. We followed orders. And for what?"

So the first choice Crosshair makes for himself? The first free choice that he makes that contradicts the blind allegiance?

He shoots the Lieutenant.

And it was great! Narratively, it was treated as the right move because it was!

Okay, it lands him in Tantiss, but through that series of events, it eventually brought him back to his family. He was redeemed.

Moving on, let's look at another interesting character.

Emerie (beloved)

Dr. Emerie Karr, I would argue, is a woman who never had a choice.

I mean, how could she? Shipped off of Kamino, into the clutches of Hemlock?

Look me in the eyes and tell me that you think Hemlock (derogatory) was an affectionate father-figure to Emerie. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Emerie never had a choice. She was not in the battlefield or even with other clones to learn what her free thoughts were. I would argue she was raised to be afraid of the consequences of what Hemlock would do to her if she stepped "out of line" wherever that was when growing up.

She's constantly warning other clones what happens if they don't cooperate with Hemlock. She's constantly held back by her inability to think for herself.

Until Omega.

Time and time again, Emerie regards Omega as her sister in what way she can, in what little vocabulary she has for such a meaning.

Because Omega, Emerie breaks protocol, just in the little way she can, and returns the straw Lula to her. We see the beginnings of the Imperial bonds start to loosen. It's the first crack in the mirror, so to say, when Omega shows her what it could really be like, to have siblings to love, instead of whatever validation she fights to earn from Hemlock. (There's more on that, but again, another rant, another time.)

It keeps going for Emerie, when she's let into the Vault, all coming to a head when she meets Echo.

"I didn't have a choice," she says. "I've heard that before," he retorts, disbelieving.

She has a choice now, is what's not being said. Do the right thing, make a choice, for once in your life. Don't go along with what the doctor wants.

.

So, what's all this to say?

The ending of the Bad Batch will be dictated by the themes of individuality and free will.

It will all come down to a choice.

Omega, the protagonist, will have to make a choice.

Over this season, in Point of No Return especially, Omega sees how relentlessly the Empire hunts for her. Willing to do anything to get there hands on her.

It's this injustice that makes her angry. She can not let people suffer for her sake.

She won't let her brothers get hurt for her sake.

This drives home the foreshadowing of The Harbinger.

How Ventress warns Crosshair and Hunter, that if Omega was Force-Sensitive, she'd need to leave them to be properly trained.

When Ventress tamed a giant beast with the Force.

I know I'm not alone when I say that I think this will work with Omega's recent discovery of the Zillo Beast, in foreshadowing her and the other kids in the Vault using the Force to "reach out" (which Omega couldn't do with the distraction of her brothers) and tame the beast into wrecking the base and eating Hemlock.

With this discovery of abilities, and newfound charge over these young kids, Omega will be faced with a choice.

Stay with the Batch, or leave for them?

[the12thnightproject]

Chapter 24 - Mitsu and Goliath: Mitsunari challenges a giant to a duel.

Mitsunari x OC; Nobunaga x Mai

Previous Chapter

Logline - In order to protect a political alliance, Katusko and Mitsunari must pretend an engagement. But this “all business” arrangement is threatened by a coup against Nobunaga… and by feelings.

CW: “Onscreen” death of unnamed vassal

From the Military Notes of Ishida Mitsunari…

By my and Sasuke’s estimates, in the best-case scenario, Masamune’s and Ieyasu’s forces should arrive within a day.

In the worst-case scenario, something may have happened to delay or even prevent Kyubei from reaching them, and we run out of resources before they arrive.

My mind contains the knowledge of dozens of military scholars, schematics of past battles, lessons learned from Nobunaga. It doesn’t hold enough. I am afraid we are reaching the point when I will have to say, ‘I do not know what to do next.’

Okatsu looks at me as if she believes I will always know what to do next. Therefore, I will continue to think of what we can do next.

Ok, think, think. The archers were my responsibility and making sure they had enough arrows was my job.

“Alright. Everyone who has arrows left, give them to Shohime and-” I paused, trying to remember the name of the woman. “Ushi.” They were the most accurate archers we had. “Try to conserve what you have, and don’t shoot until they pass through those two larches.” That was almost too close, but hopefully some of Sasuke’s booby traps would catch some of them first. “The rest of you. Go just outside the tower – no further -  and grab as many stones and rocks as you can carry. If the invaders get close, we’ll pelt them with rocks.” And garbage. And whatever else I can think of to throw. “I’ll see if I can scrounge more arrows.”

As we hurried down the ladder to ground level, I could hear Toshiie even before I saw him. He was hunched over a severely injured man. “Fuck! Damn! Shit!” Sasuke, who had temporarily been pressed into action as an assistant, laid a gentle hand on Tosh’s shoulder, but that didn’t stop my brother’s ranting. “I cannot fucking work like this!”

His yell filled the tower. If I hadn’t already known by looking at the injured man that he was dying, Toshiie’s behavior would have clinched it for me, because nothing upsets Toshiie more than failure.

Mitsunari was busy with his maps and in deep consultation with Mitsuhide. He was so focused that I doubted he knew what was happening over here. I hoped that he didn’t, as he did not need any more pressure on him. Mitsuhide looked over at Toshiie, however, and the grim expression on his face said it all.

We were running out of time.

Roughly, Toshiie shrugged off Sasuke’s hand. I crept closer to the makeshift treatment bed, my feet sliding a bit on the blood covered floor. The injured man was still losing blood, no matter how quickly Toshiie moved to stop it. He’d had been slashed in the gut and I could smell – it had cut his bowel. He’d been under a death sentence before he had even gotten inside. I wrapped my arms around Toshiie. “You couldn’t have saved this one. Not even with modern equipment.”

He pushed me away. “You don’t know that. You can’t.”

I’d been watching battles for the past seven years. I could. “No. This one is not on you.”

“A lot you’d know about it.” He grabbed a cup and threw it across the tower, where it landed harmlessly in the grass outside. “You couldn’t even manage to pass basic anatomy.”

Because I’m stupid. No. Because I hadn’t cared enough to try. Half the time I hadn’t even bothered to go to class. I’d never been the student Tosh was, and echoes of ‘the dumb twin’ still bounced off the walls of my memory, probably the same way Toshiie still heard the echoes of ‘the clumsy twin.’

The light went out of the dying man’s eyes, and Tosh turned away from the sight, leaving Sasuke to take on the burden of postmortem care – a job he did far more solemnly than Tosh would have anyway.

“I hate this. I hate it here.” And though he didn’t put it into words, the look he gave me said it all. This was my fault. My fault that we’d ended up here, my fault that he’d had to come back for me.

And it could be my fault if we ran out of ammunition. There was no time to console my brother. Not without risking even more injuries. Leaving Toshiie to his sulking, I joined the other women outside to look for any misdirected arrows that had fallen within the immediate perimeter.

Very few, which spoke to the skill and talent of our archers.

We needed more ammunition. Rocks were better than nothing, but… no more than a quick half hour walk from here was a barely-guarded supply wagon. In this grey, pre-dawn, Iekane’s soldiers would be at their sleepiest, and if they were confused by… smoke…

Arrows would be better than rocks.

I was going on a raid.

After telling Lady Hana to temporarily take charge, I eased back inside and picked up a couple of Sasuke’s smoke bombs. No one seemed to be looking at me. Tucking the smoke bombs into my kimono, I took one final look around and crept back outside.

I was still within sight of the tower when I heard Mitsunari calling after me. “Okatsu. Wait.”

I nearly didn’t.

If it had been anyone but Mitsunari, I would have been long gone.

“Where are you going?” He hurried to my side, sliding the last couple of steps on patch of slick moss, and I caught him to prevent him from falling.

“We’re almost out of arrows. Without them, we can’t hold off the next wave of assaults.” I was still holding onto him, and I felt the heat of his skin under my touch. Quickly, I stepped back, but Mitsunari took hold of my hands.

He nodded. “That is not unexpected. We have plans for when that occurs.” He indicated a series of ropes laid out on the ground, ready to be used as trip wires, or perhaps even garrots for attackers. “It, however, does not explain why you in particular are out here.”

“Hikosane spotted another of Iekane’s supply wagons. It’s not far away and barely guarded. I thought to-” I winced as his grip on my fingers spasmed.

“I am sorry.” He let go of me. “We can make do without arrows.”

“Maybe… but the cannon. It’s right there.” I waved in the direction where the supply wagon and cannon were currently parked. “I don’t think they can maneuver it close enough to our towers, but they will most certainly use it to attack Nobunaga and the others at Genba.”

“Perhaps.” Mitsunari shook his head. His manner changed, becoming that military leader that was normally hidden inside him, but someday, might be what he was remembered for. “You know better than to sneak off without consulting the commander. Beyond that, I cannot let you go on a raid that has less than ten percent chance of success. Unless you have a plan that I am not aware of.”

I showed him Sasuke’s smoke bombs. “I do. I thought to disorient them with a smoke bomb, steal some arrows, and set fire to the wagon with the cannon.” It was, in fact a variation of the plan they had used to capture that first supply wagon. My back-up plan also involved the smoke bomb, although it the success rested on my abilities to convince the guards that I was a ghost. I figured on refining both plans and coming up with a Plan C en route. Although the giant was … still a cause for concern. “If I got there and honestly didn’t think I would succeed, I would have turned back.”

“Would you?” He regarded me steadily.

“I have no particular interest in dying, so yes, if I didn’t think I could pull it off, I would come back.” Although perhaps my estimations of success might not jive with his estimates of my success.

“Alright. Then I will go with you.” He started along the path.

“Mitsunari. You can’t. They need you. You’re important to the Oda.” And I didn’t want him to get squished by the giant.

“You are important to me.” He said it so simply, so honestly, that it was impossible not to believe him. He nudged me forward. “Come along, Okatsu. We will work on your plan while we go.” He held out his hand again.

I had no answer to that. If I went, he would follow me anyway. Instead, I took his hand.

“How many are guarding the wagon?” He spoke quietly, and I appreciated the fact that he was making the attempt not to step on any dry twigs.

“Three men – two of the same crew that has been attacking us all night. The other… Hikosane called him a giant, and while I wouldn’t go that far, he’s one of the biggest and broadest men I’ve seen.” The guy looked like he weightlifted horses in his free time.

“Hm.” Mitsunari hesitated, taking carefully steps on the steep and slick ground. “Three is not such a large number. I have seen Hideyoshi fight half a dozen men at once.”

I believe that… but you aren’t Hideyoshi. But I wasn’t going to be cruel enough to bring that up. “I could probably take out two with my arrows.” Depending on how fast they reacted. “But not if we use Sasuke’s smoke bombs.” Although I was perfectly capable of shooting blind, the success rate on that rested on targets that didn’t move. People aren’t great at the whole not-moving thing.

“When we get close enough to pinpoint their relative positions, we can decide. This may be a situation that calls for rapid reassessments. Oh!” He’d stepped wrong and turned his ankle on a stone. I grabbed him before he could slide down the mountain and alert them to our presence.

Aware that the more he was in his head, the less careful his feet were, I simply nodded agreement, as we made our way down the hill and circled around to where Iekane’s supply wagon and cannon were currently stashed.

We hunkered down several meters away and took turns looking through the underbrush. The sky had lightened a bit, though it was still closer to night than day. The two smaller guards were by the fire. The not-exactly-a-giant-but-seriously-big-dude (NEAGBSBD) was sitting on the wagon with the cannon, his muscular arms crossed in front of him, a ferocious scowl on his face.

After taking a long moment to study the NEAGBSBD, Mitsunari turned to me. He… almost looked like he was smiling? “Okatsu, I have reassessed. If you will keep the two men by the fire occupied, I will challenge this giant.” He reached for his sword.

The initial rush of gratitude that he trusted me so much was immediately dammed up by my internal scream of you’re going to WHAT? Only my innate caution prevented me from yelling it, as I grabbed onto Mitsunari’s arm. “Okatsu, trust me.”

Right. If he could do me the honor of trusting me, I should offer him the same. I’d been underestimating this man since I met him. It was time to stop. Together, we could do this. “Okay.” Then my innate caution ran screaming into the forest, freeing me to give him a fast kiss.

For luck, of course. It was a brief, Leia-kissing-Luke-before-they-swung-across-the-metal-chasm-on-the-star-destroyer-before-she-knew-she-was-kissing-her-brother sort of kiss. But even in its brevity, the sweetness of his lips lingered as the kiss impressed itself in my memory.

It… was not at all like kissing my brother.

Mitsunari gazed at me as if I had given him the keys to the largest library in the world.

Then I got out my bow, prepped an arrow, and stepped into the clearing.

Before the guards by the fire could react, I chose my first victim and sent an arrow right through the folds of his kimono, pinning him to the ground. I had another out and trained on the other in an instant. With only a glare, I challenged them not to move. Although I’d rather avoid killing them, I knew that if I must, I could.

“If I were either of you,” Mitsunari followed me into the clearing. “I would continue to stay still. Okatsu is one of the best archers in the country.”

The NEAGBSBD eyed Mitsunari with a look that I could only say was amused. “Perhaps, but she cannot cover all three of us at once.”

“She will keep watch over those two men.” Mitsunari flicked his sword in the air in a quick kata that looked almost Uesugi Kenshin-esque in its speed. Huh. “You are my responsibility. Will you give us your store of arrows and then help us push the cannon over the cliff?” He used a calm reasonable tone that generally accompanied the phrase, ‘these are not the droids you’re looking for.’

Unfortunately, the NEAGBSBD was not an Imperial Stormtrooper. Instead, he started laughing. “If that’s your desire, then you’ll have to fight me for them. And I’ll choose the weapon.” He sent a sneering look at Mitsunari’s sword, then pulled two spears off the wagon. One he tossed to Mitsunari.

Mitsunari dropped it.

The men I was covering laughed. I shot an arrow at one, placing it directly between his legs. One inch higher, and he could kiss his line of descendants goodbye. “That’s my fiancé you’re laughing at.”

They stopped laughing.

The NEAGBSBD glanced at me, then back to Mitsunari. “Fiance, hm? Got yourself a lively one, boy.”

Retrieving the spear from where it had landed at his feet, Mitsunari lunged toward the NEAGBSBD. It wasn’t possible to keep an eye on both the match and the men I was guarding, but from what I could see, Mitsunari started out on the defensive, but at least managed to hold his own.

What couldn’t tell was whether or not the NEAGBSBD was simply toying with him. The big man continued to smile. That was a bad sign. Mitsunari stayed calm and determined.

Clack. Clack. Clack.

I kept swinging my attention from the fight to my prisoners, though they too were enthralled watching the display. As the fight continued, rather than wearing down, Mitsunari got better, though not yet well enough to disarm the NEAGBSBD. Though the NEAGBSBD had greater brute strength, I could start to see a strategy emerge from Mitsunari, and he was gaining the advantage.

Which would have been great news, except… off in the distance, I could hear the clatter of lacquered armor – several men were approaching and with our luck, they would likely be more of Iekane’s mercenaries. “Mitsunari! More mercs coming!”

Moments after my warning, four men burst into the clearing, and, seeing their pet NEAGBSBD under attack, drew their swords and rushed toward us. Sensing a new advantage, the men I was guarding moved to join them. I sent another arrow their way to let them know that was a bad idea.

Uncertain whether or not we should – or even could – retreat, I looked to Mitsunari. Together, the two of us were strong. We were not strong enough to handle six mercenaries and a NEAGBSBD. “We should finish this,” Mitsunari politely informed the NEAGBSBD, before pressing forward.

@lorei-writes @bestbryn @katriniac @lyds323 @briars7

[sassrubyexists]

Lil rant

Why do so many people make suns issues seem like nothing? I see much people constantly saying: "sun just has [insert issues]". No. Sun has alot more than that. His life was made a living hell because of who? Moon. Sun had to see the murders, clean them up, feel pain with every moons move when he took control, fight for control and god knows what more. That has been going on for what? More than 9-10 years (Sun confirmed from a year long episode that hes tehnically 9 years old). Don't get me wrong, moon has trauma from it too, having to deal with a killcode, being trapped in the mindscape without his body ect. Though, people are still dismissing suns trauma from this. Sun was TERRIFIED. He kept begging moon, but it didn't help. Some people think that its alright because sun still had confidence and was happy after they seperated and that ISNT correct. This piece of trauma gave sun a big affect on him. Such as being afraid of the dark. It may not seem too bad, but just imagine what was going on in suns mind when it was dark. It doesn't matter how much of a "stupid" fear is that, it still has a reasoning on why its there. After seperation, he also got abused by moon. Moon would always threaten him when sun made a joke. Especially with the whacking stick. The whacking stick was seen as a joke and it wasnt serious in many eyes, though just imagine being in suns shoes. You're making jokes like siblings do and oh! Guess what. You get threatened and hit for it. See what im trying to say here? Moon also used to put sun down alot. That may be normal in a sibling relationship, I have to admit that. Yet, sun eventually started believing those words because of others who would do the same. And when moon was doing the same, sun started believing in that. Sun probably also started being convinced by it since everytime he tried to help, he couldnt. This obviously led to this sort of mindstate. Whenever sun was talking about his issues,moon would ignore them and replace it with his own (Episode example:sun and moon BREAK UP in VRCHAT or whatever the name was). Sun always had to take care of moon and moons issues too. sun felt like he was useless so what other better was to cope than to help others so you feel useful. This is extremely unhealthy. Sun forgot to help himself. Plus, people always push suns feelings to the side. For an example, monty said that sun would get over it and that it was just a phase. Moon was too scared to go talk to sun! And guess what. Sun went out to kill eclipse! He also gaslighted and manipulated sun into doing what HE wants. For an example, you know when sun was in that one state of mind when he went to kill eclipse? Instead of trying to help sun with feelings and stuff, HE LOCKED SUN INTO A BUNKER WHERE THE ARGURMENT HAPPEND, and put a magic box giving sun barely room to stand. Because he wanted sun to be like hes "supposed to be", the voice of reason. See whats wrong with this? He also would pressure sun into telling him things sun didn't wanna talk about. Example, july 16th. In the argurment, he started pressuring sun into telling him what happend until sun actually did. Another example, when sun killed bloodmoon, he also started pressuring sun into telling him what actually happend, though, sun didn't do so that time. This aint a way to deal with thse kind of situations. If someone doesn't wanna talk about something, we shouldn't force them. Yet people are still so confused on why sun doesn't open up! I wonder why! Do we need a damn detective for that. I see people saying that its because earth and moon are basically strangers, althought it really isnt. Sunny thinks everything is his fault. He thinks eclipse existing is his fault, even if sun wasnt the one who put a goddamn left behind code. Its moons fault. Sure, he didnt know that would happen, even so what did he think was going to happen. "Omg it'll be such a good idea if I put a left behind code that i dont even know what it is!!" Like please. Who knows what that leech- I MEAN. Eclipse said to him.

Its no big suprise sunny turned out this way

[darrowsrising]

what is your opinion on House Raa (Atlas aside)? In some parts of the fandom they’re very popular but I agree with Darrow when he said he found them pathetic because for all their talks about duty they’re pretty spineless… they talk about the 10+ years war but they did absolutely nothing about it until the very end??

Plus they cannot come out with a decent war strategy for the life of them, from book 3 to 6 they’ve been taking shit from all sides

(Un)holy Reaper of Mars, but are they stupid!

Please check under the cut for a long ass rant as to why I am saying that. I am quite meh about them in general, I do like certain aspects and what the plot does with them.

Should be illegal to be that stupid. No wonder Octavia subjugated them like that, stupid. Their last braincell died with Romulus, stupid. How the fuck are you even allowed to live in this cutthroat universe, stupid? Stupidity isn't a victimless crime, stupid.

I would have preffered if Atlas wasn't the one to deliver judgement on them, but...they were stupid enough to make it happen, so can't be mad. That and the Rim needed to move forward, conflicts with Darrow would not have helped and change was not on the horizon. At all. There had to be something truly evil to even make Diomedes, the only saving grace, consider things.

Up to a point, I can understand why House Raa is the way it is. That point is Romulus himself. There is this pride and indoctrination that accumulates over generations and it gets people stuck. But it's unexcusable to go past that point and instead of moving with a purpose, you're just sitting in an echo chamber of fascism. And it's not morally speaking, as much as...how can you not see the trap prepared for you? How can you lack so much self-awareness?

To be completely fair, I think the only brain in the Rim Dominion is Aurae. Even the Daughters of Athena have problems on that front. But that is another discussion.

The House Raa situation is somewhat similar but opposite to that of Dancer and the Vox in the Senate. They claim something, are confident in their own power, but have no idea just how dangerous and rotten things are, while it was their job to know. And when tragedy strikes, it is unfair and evil.

I can see why their fans are fascinated by House Raa, but I cannot get people who are into these guys for their code of honour, because it's just a tad better than House Bellona's. Which does not mean much at all.

Other than that, I think their involvement in the books is a Pierce Brown thing, not a 'they did nothing' thing. He wanted them to be involved as much as it worked for his plot and not anymore. They suit the plot instead of the plot suiting them, which is not necessarily Pierce Brown's modus operandi. That is why I claim that he is a better writer when he does not have to limit himself and set-up novels in this series are weaker.

But on the other hand, I can buy the 'they may have various advantages, they are too stuck to be adaptive to warfare as it happens in real time'.

One thing that I have noticed for House Raa as a defining trait is a genuine, deliberately instilled fear. They would rather die than face what they think is dishonour. They are afraid to...grow a braincell disobey and/or dishonour. And that inhibits them more than necessary. They become insensitized, they don't care about human beings because it's human decency to do so, they just act with the moral code permitted. Even when they do disobey, it is within those limits, so they can act on it and get away with it. They kept Akari so close, his very ashes chokes them with his long lost dogmas.

Diomedes is the only one allowed to continue to serve the plot because he has genuine compassion. As you have read in Light Bringer, not much brains, however. That is because he was raised to be permissive of Golds, just like the Rim Lords were ready to accept Octavia once again in MS, for the sake of their own Color.

Not only he could not understand Cassus Belli when it hit him on the head - I did not need Darrow to underatand what Lysander was doing tbh, so Diomedes has no excuse - he was helpless with the Garter, because he put himself in that position. He did not think for one second that ot would come to that. That any Gold would do that, let alone Lysander.

There were plenty warnings, but he simply bet all on the few interactions with Lysander. And it did not take Lysander much sacrifice at all. Darrow has to do godly things to impress upon allies and foes alike and he makes it look easy. Lysander just jas to wiggle his mouth and participate in stuff. Participate.

He is also treated with gloves, because most obstacles put in his way are sort of slaps on the wrists or tests for worthiness. And his allies properly buy this stuff and Diomedes and Dido did too. Poor baby got poisoned and he still went to the Rim? What a champ!

Saving Diomedes was the only strong point, tbh, but...idk, these guys put too much price on their own lives. He was not saved with the tought that he will come back and reclaim power, no doubt about it.

It literally costs the Garter for Diomedes to understand why peace cannot be built on the compromise that keeps slavery intact. All because that is the legacy of House Raa, a code that is way beyond applicable. Honouring tradition and adapting to new winds do not have to be exclusive - see Primus of House Augustus, Virginia Augustus and her lion ring.

In my humble opinion, House Augustus rules. Always has, always will. Aesthetics, smarts, good and evil. Even Nero's limits were fascinating and believable. But the difference is that House Augustus affaires created plot oppprtunities and drove it forward. House Raa is more of a tool moved by the plot, which isn't a bad thing, but it divides the public. Then again, it's hard to impress me after Dark Age, so there is surely a me problem too.

Took an hour to write this, lol. Hope it's worth something.

[cloud-somersault]

If you don't mind me ranting a bit in your inbox, I have a few ideas on how he was able to die.

First is my favorite. Instead of dying like a normal person, he is trapped/consumed by his shadows. In S3E4, when LBD is showing Macaque's resurrection, it shows him being wrapped in his shadows. Also in the episode, when MK uses gold vision to look at Macaque, we can see arms and eyes inside and coming out the shadows. It's not unreasonable to assume that their alive. If their alive, why wouldn't they eat the host's corpse?

The next two come from the same idea, Macaque never ate a peach of immortality. So far in the show we have never seen Macaque eat single peach. Not in the past, and not in the present. We didn't even see him eat the popsicle.

If we assume he never ate the peach, the only immortality he has is the erasure of his name from the book of the dead. Even then that's not really an immortality. It just means Diyu doesn't have a right to you're soul. So his body dies but his soul can't go to Diyu. He's left bound to rotting body until LBD comes and find him.

The last option is that he was never immortal cause he never wanted to be, and Wukong respected. It probably drove Wukong crazy, but he didn't force him. So he just lived a long life. By time he and Wukong met again, his age was showing and Wukong still looked the same. Imagine Wukong with his babyface, and Macaque with crow's feet under his eyes.

OOOH interesting! i like the idea of Macaque being consumed by his powers. I love shadow magic having that depth to it. Like a win/lose situation. You get all this power, but the shadows could turn on you any moment.

That's true we've never seen Macaque eat a peach of any kind...and that stuff with Diyu could be true, but I'm not sure...if it's been explained fully in LMK canon how the Diyu works. Because there's different ways you could go about how the Book of the Dead operates.

In JTTW, it's kinda like...it was Wukong's time to die when he got dragged down there, so he erased his name so that he couldn't die from old age. If we add on the condition "plus it means the Diyu can't touch him" I like that idea but I don't know if that's how the Diyu operates in this canon.

Like we have this idea of invincibility/immortality because MK gets his invincibility sealed away, so that makes me think it's a separate part of his powers. So if we had more clarity to how the Diyu operates in this specific canon, that sounds entirely plausible to me.

But I like your idea that it means that Macaque's soul is trapped in the mortal realm. Would that directly link him to the "hungry ghosts/ghost realm?" That could be fun to play around with.

And the last option is interesting as well. I like the angst of Wukong having to watch Macaque age. I just wonder if Macaque would want that... He has so much self-preservation, would he really not mind dying from old age? shadowpeach both seem so afraid of death, but you could argue Macaque was "whatever" about it until he died himself 🤔

These are some fascinating theories, thank you for sharing them! Either way, something's not adding up. I'm glad others have thought about this and have their own thoughts!!

[media-illiterate]

your rant in the tags about coursers is so correct btw i want you to know i share like. 90% of those headcanons. the other 10% i dont know enough about to agree yet but im sure i will soon

@orange-coloredsky Thanks! I have more

First: the original tags

Now: more

Some general courser headcanons

I really honestly think that them being elevated from regular synths is ridiculous. They're custom made out of FEV enhanced tissue and superior components. Picking the most "tenacious and independent" units is such a dumb idea. Tenacity and independence are warning signs that a synth may go rogue, not signs you should give them superstength and guns!

Note: synths being FEV enhanced is actually canon. Coursers being EXTRA FEV enhanced is, iirc, also canon. I didn't make that up. Check the wiki.

Also, this is just a general synth headcanon: the recall code doesn't wipe a synth's personality all by itself. Instead, it causes total loss of motor control, essentially trapping the synth inside their own head. When they go into the reclamation chair? They're still fully conscious...

The recall code can also be reversed by reading it back at them. They resume motor function as if nothing had happened. Institute scientists have noted some adverse symptoms (hyperventilating, increased heart rate, adrenaline spikes) to be common upon reversal. They assume this is a glitch, but have yet to find the source...

Everyone in the institute is afraid of coursers. Synths, humans, doesn't matter. They don't act like normal synths, or like normal people even. The way they walk, the way they look at you, the way they're just THERE where you weren't expecting them: coursers scare the shit out of people.

The only people in the institute NOT scared of them are in the SRB. Members of the SRB are in on a secret nobody else in the institute really understands: Coursers are actually more afraid of them.

All Coursers live in a state of fear. As the main instruments of the SRB, they know EXACTLY how thin a line they live on. Coursers are under more scrutiny than anyone else in the Institute, for obvious reasons. They know they're just one slip of the tongue away from being reset.

This is the reason for their jockeying for position and constant paranoid infighting. They're all trying to make themselves indispensable to the Institute so they can have even a tiny bit of a safety net in case someone decides something is off with them. The Institute also rotates underperforming Courser units out of action (recall codes them and puts them in stasis).

The Institute only has a few Coursers active at any one time. 12, 15, maybe 20 max. They have an equal amount in "storage" (recall coded) to replace losses and rotate underperforming units out of active duty.

Coursers are actually physically outmatched by Supermutants, by an order of magnitude. (Courser physical stats are in the high teens. Supermutant physical stats are in the high 20s). Their superior training and equipment usually means they come out on top. Usually.

The Institute could honestly make Coursers scarier if they wanted to. But the need for control outweighs any impulse in that direction. After all, if they were too powerful, what's stopping them from turning on the Institute?

This is the reason they immediately vivisect any and all Psyker Coursers; they have absolutely no understanding of how such powers might be counteracted, and thus cannot allow for the possibility of a Psyker Courser going rogue. Its only happened a handful of times, so they still haven't figured out how it works...

Y3-66 HEADCANONS (haha new oc ;-;)

The first sign that there was something wrong with them was that they became highly agitated in the SRB.

(A lot of death or pain in one place leaves behind some truly rancid psychic vibes. Personality Death counts. To a psyker, the SRB is a horrible, horrible place...)

They didn't join the railroad, despite the offer, because they got the same feeling from the Memory Den. They told their contact they wanted no part of any of it, and bolted.

(It's a choice that the Railroad presents to the synths they help, it really honestly is. But it's not much of one, now is it? And even if it is their choice, that doesn't make destroying your personality any less terrible...)

All they wanted to do was watch the sun set in peace. Just once. And the Institute couldn't even let them have that...

Chase still regrets not getting to them in time. But Y3 would have fucking hated the Island. They would have hated it so much.

(To a psyker, the fog is far more than just fog. To a psyker, the fog has eyes...)

[beigepillow]

I actually stumbled across saezuru by complete chance when I was checking out my Instagram. I’d seen it before so I decided to check out the manga and like this is a really brutal, heartbreaking story.

I don’t remember if it was the end of chapter 1 or 1.1 but when we see Y sitting on the windowsill of his apartment and he just starts sobbing? It felt like my heart was breaking for him, for the way he thought of himself and for the horrible things he’s been through and for what he felt he had to do to survive the trauma. What’s the line again … I think it’s when he’s with D but Y thinks something along the lines of “he doesn’t understand what it would mean to give in” or was it something like forget that part of himself? I think for Y letting himself be loved or cared for means letting in all the bad things that have happened and being forced to process them. It’s like by not caring he doesn’t need to deal with the trauma and the cycle he’s stuck in because in his eyes it is something that happened and it doesn’t matter anymore (even though it does).

Though I’m not gonna lie I almost walked away when Y was remembering the abuse he suffered at his stepfathers hands. It was so graphic and terrifying and I remember having to walk away from the manga for a bit. I think is the first time I’ve read something that would be considered “dark” and I guess I didn’t realize what that entailed.

I just hope these two get their happy ending. I don’t like that this is classified as a tragedy because it makes me nervous. I think Y needs face his past and his trauma and I think he needs to choose to walk from the cycle of abuse but I also think it’s hard because even when we know something is bad for us if it feels like it’s protecting us? Giving us control over bad memories and bad things that have happened to us? I think it’s hard to walk away.

Also sorry for the rant >.<

I stumbled upon saezuru while I was looking for bl smut lol. The line you’re thinking of is in chapter 32 where he thinks “if I let him into my heart, I will have to abandon who I am. But this guy will never understand what that entails.” About Doumeki. I think you’re right in that Yashiro is deeply afraid of having to confront the things that happened to him. I think people tend to focus more on Yashiro giving Doumeki up to protect him and that he was afraid of Doumeki not actually loving him but it was also about the fear of vulnerability. If Yashiro let Doumeki in, he knows he would never be able to go back to his defense mechanisms if Doumeki decided to leave him one day and that is terrifying. But then he ends up losing his defense mechanism anyway and seems to worn out to keep up appearances. While that scene was graphic and deeply triggering, it was important to the story. Yashiro tends to write off the abuse he suffered at the hands of his stepfather and so can the audience at times but then there are these moments where the severity of it all hits Yashiro and by extension us to remind us of the reality of the situation. We realize how much pain Yashiro is actually in and how difficult it has been for him to be trapped in this cycle of abuse. I completely understand why you would need to walk away for a bit. Both Yashiro and Doumeki are supposed to flawed characters that we can both empathize with and relate to. It can be extremely difficult to walk away from something that helped us cope and provided a level of comfort, however false that comfort was, but Yashiro has reached a point where he is willing to work towards being with Doumeki. Both have been tragic characters so far but I wouldn’t necessarily say saezuru is a tragedy. There is a hopeful tone we sometimes get a glimpse of. I believe that Yashiro and Doumeki can get a good ending whatever that will look like; both just need to have their journey.

[alaffy]

The Umbrella Academy, 3x07 – Auf Wiedersehen

Wow. Well, the, uh, recap of this episode is going to be short.  But, boy, is my rant going to be long because I have an issue with some of the characters in this episode.  However, I’m going to start with Klaus as I believe I forgot to mention what happened with him last episode (granted, he wasn’t in the episode as much as some of the others).

Anyway, last episode Klaus snuck back into The Academy in order to talk to Regenald.  Klaus is unsure of what to do as he has found out he’s, more or less, immortal.  Reginald tricks Klaus into thinking he’s giving Klaus a hug; but ends up killing him instead (for science!).  At the beginning of this episode, we find that Reginald has left The Academy with Klaus in the trunk of the car.  Long story short, Reginald is going to teach Klaus how to use his abilities better...by getting Klaus killed again and again by passing traffic (and we’re going to ignore the fact that not one person tries to stop during this moment).  The thing is; this works.  As Klaus repeatedly comes back to life, the amount of time it takes becomes shorter; until Klaus is pretty much able to do it at will.  

After that, Reginald takes Klaus to a cemetery, where Klaus is forced to exorcise his demons.  Or rather, Klaus is afraid of the spirits in the graveyard; but Reginald points out that the spirits should be afraid of Klaus.  Klaus faces the spirits and, suddenly, light explodes from Klaus’ body.  When the light dims, the spirits are nowhere to be seen.

Now, just to get through a few things here.  We do find out where Lila got the kid.  We also find out the reason she tricked Diego is because she is, in fact, pregnant and wanted to see what he would be like as a father before telling him.  

Luther proposes to Sloane at the end of the episode.  Seems a bit fast, but...I mean, look at the state of the world at this point.  

So, the two teams do decide to work together to stop the Kugelblitz.  They basically are using the combined powers of Viktor, Sloane, and Lila to trap it in Christopher’s body.  It seems to work at first...until it doesn’t.  The Kugelblitz bursts out of Christopher, killing him and Fei.  Also, pretty much a good portion of the world.

But now I want to talk about Allison and Five’s speech to Viktor.  I had to take quite a bit of time to process this.  Well, not so much Allison; but the speech to Viktor and possible author intent.  

So, Allison killed Harlan.  And Allison let’s everyone know that Harlan killed their mothers (although she doesn’t mention it was an accident nor does she mention Harlan no longer had his powers).  Viktor realizes that Allison did this, at least in part, to hurt Viktor; which Allison does pretty much confirm.  Allison and Viktor get into a fight, where Allison uses her powers to make it so Viktor can’t breathe (until Allison is stopped by Luther).  Then, Allison tells Viktor they should have left him in the basement (at which point Diego makes it clear that Allison has gone too far).  The interesting thing about this fight is how Allison is saying how they all act as though they should be sympathetic Viktor, but demand Allison suck up her pain.  She isn’t completely wrong as most of them have kind of brushed losing Claire aside, with the exception of Viktor.  However, considering the things that Allision has gotten away with in the last few episodes, I wouldn’t exactly say they’re making her do much of anything.  In fact, she seems to have gotten away with a hell of a lot.  

As for Allison herself...if you’ve read my previous write ups, you know that I was sympathetic with Allison during the first few episodes and then we had the scene with Luther.  Even then, I hoped that maybe she’d hit rock bottom at that point and would start dealing with her issues.  But, yeah, that’s not happening.  Here’s the thing, sometimes with PTSD or someone dealing with trauma, they may say or do things that aren’t ok; but you might let them slide because they’re clearly dealing with these issues.  However, PTSD or trauma does not give a person permission to do whatever the hell they want.  When their behavior is harming others mentally and/or physically...well, as hard as it may be, it’s time to make it clear that they either need to go get professional help or they can’t come around until they do get that help.  And I think that’s where we are with Allison at this point.

That being said, we also have to acknowledge that the Allison we’ve seen on screen is only part of Allison.  We’ve seen the Allison who, for various reasons, hasn’t really been using her powers.  But we also know, from season one, Allison used her powers to get what she wanted.  She even used them on her daughter on more than one occasion.  And, given that one line, it is possible her husband loved her because she rumored him to do so.  There seems to be a very ugly side of Allison that has only been hinted at; maybe we’re starting to see that side now.  It’s almost as if she becomes addicted to her powers.  I really wonder if Allison is going to become a villain.

And tying into that, let’s take a look at the speech from Five to Viktor.  At first, it surprised me (given what had transpired with Allison) that Five gave that speech about becoming a villain to Viktor. Especially since a number of things Five pointed out could be attributed to Allison as well.  However, I’d like to point out a few things.  To begin with, I can understand why Five is concerned about Viktor going it alone as Viktor does have to power to end the world in a moment (and has done so accidentally).  And, in fairness, there is the possibility that Viktor, trying to take the powers back, could have done more harm than good and the fact that Viktor did this without any sort of warning or safety measure is reckless.  Now, in fairness, Viktor did try to work with his family; but was absolutely ignored on several occasions.  Like when Allison took control of the meeting with The Sparrows and lied to them about having Marcus.  However, this is something Five didn’t know about (at least, we never see him being told that Allison decided not to go with Viktor’s plan).

And that leads to the other thing I’d like to point out.  Five is trying to save the world and, as Viktor has almost ended it twice (accidentally), he’s become so fixated on Viktor that he’s ignoring that there are others (like Allison) who could also cause a world ending event.  She may not be able to just destroy the world, but if she were to rumor the right people....  

Furthermore, we don’t really know what Five knows about Allison.  It doesn’t seem like he knows Allison killed Harlan after Harlan lost his powers.  He absolutely doesn’t know about what Allison did to Luther, as Luthor hasn’t told anyone.  Does he even know about why Allison lost her daughter in the first place?  If he knew all of this, would he still have given the speech to just Viktor?

I think that’s what the writers were trying to do with this moment (although I don’t know how well it worked).  I think they wanted to show that Five is so focused on Viktor, that Five’s not seeing the other dangers coming from his family.  I wonder if we will have a moment when Five realizes that he’s been looking at the wrong person this time.

[neuroprincess]

Just a rant here...

I was just talking about a subjetc that triggered many memories of when I was a teenager, WHY THE FUCK DO WE NOT TALK MORE ABOUT SEXUAL PREDATORY WOMEN? As a teenager I fell into the trap of "you look too mature for your age" or "you're so smart, so this and that, etc", not phrases spoken by men but women, I was just a 14/15 year old girl finding out about my sexuality and thinking I was in love with a 24 year old woman because she was the only one who "validated" me. So I ended up in tears feeling like shit when she got tired of me, then along came 24, 28 and even 33 women who used the same clichéd phrases, giving me some attention and I really felt special about it (mostly because I was a child prodigy and thought no one my age understood me, yes, I was a teen shit), they reinforced. At 16 I deprived myself of several things of being a teenager because according to the woman I was with "this is not mature", are psychological reinforcements for the shit that I already faced from the teenage crisis. Male teen predators suck as hell, but I think female predators have more emotional manipulation over teenagers, easily.

I also largely blame the fanfic media tsc tsc especially wattpad tsc tsc, teenagers read this, fanfics that basically romanticize female teachers with much younger students, mature women sleeping with girls. I wasn't the only one who find such a story while researching lgbt+ history, was I? In 2016 it was the theme that had the most in this niche, the stories are still there and have new ones. And unfortunately there are still stories, fanfics and the like that normalize this. And it's all very beautiful, romanticized... Protective, for being with a woman. When not so. It becomes a relationship about power when there is a big difference in age and one is an adult and other not. I'm going to have to use myself as an example again, sorry, but I was 16 and I was with someone aged 24 (almost 25) who always used her age in her favor, like "I know I'm doing it and telling you to do it because you're just a teenager and I'm an adult, don't do shit" and acted as "boss" in the relationship in every way because she was the "mature" one. It was about her being able and I not, about her knowing I wasn't, it was about how she attacked my self-esteem with small and big things, and I know a lot of girls go through something similar. I am very afraid of those who use their gender to get away with this type of psychological abuse (and other types of abuse) in same-sex relationships with teenagers. It's not talked about enough, about women looking for teenagers who don't know what they're doing or are in fragile moments for their own pleasure (and sense of power). Making it clear that I am talking about the age difference between ADULTS AND TEENAGERS, age difference between adult people is totally okay when are healthy and don't have this question of power. It pisses me off that there are still female writers who normalize this shit, I think I've seen three or four one shots with Wanda or Natasha with teenage readers, girl, TOTALLY NOT. And even though it has some dark tags, it can still be considered fucking pedophilia, it's a 16 teenager being coerced by adults to have sex. Dude, it's ok to write dark (I respect those who do, I'm not judging, everyone has their own tastes), but at least don't put teenagers in it. And damn, this content is so accessible to minors on multiple platforms, I bet there's a 1Xs year old reading this and thinking "Oh, an adult can be interested in me like this? Okay, sounds... Interesting?", sometimes they just get into things like that and don't experience anything healthy until adulthood. I have a friend 3 years younger and at 17 she was with someone almost 30, she read these fanfics/stories, idealized a mature and experienced woman as in what she read, at the end of the relationship that bitch stalked and used her until I had to intervene. Now she's having to recover from all the shitty emotional abuse.

Idk, I'm just rambling, but in conclusion I condemn anyone who puts and fetishizes teenagers and children (I love and hate AO3 at the same time), who normalizes relationship between women and underage girls as if it's something beautiful, just tell the truth, they are sexual predators as well as older men who prey on teenagers. Internet is a trap, there is no control, we just have to guide and protect these kids. Sorry for the rant, but I just got mad when I realized it still happens and hardly anyone talks about this shit. If you're a fucking teenager, don't think that's normal, they are adults wanting to take advantage of you just like men. If you have a teen sibling or relative or friend watch out for female predators too, not just males. They are still not fully formed people and need protection, especially lgbt+, we don't know their reality, how they see themselves or see the world, in the end they can be really fragile prey for these women.

[midwestemoismid]

i dont know what is wrong with me ok i just need to rant i know a lot of these words wont make sense im just copy and oasting messages i sent to my friend because im to lazy to type also bad grammer

bro i cant physically exist without pain what the fuck is wrong with me why am i like this oh my fucking god everything is so loud what the fuck why can i hear every single little noise why is everything screaming at me what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what theufjc fufikc fuck fuck fucj fuck why is everything so loud why is everything so loud why what the fucj also dont force yourself to rwply if you dont want to im just ranting because idk what else to do

omfg im gonna claw out my arms and lefs i swear to fucking god why am i always in pain

i hate laying on my back but if i lay on my side i have to keep switching everytime bc it starts to feel wrong and yneven

and anytime something brushes against me on an uneaven wag i freak out and irs so overstimulating

also impulsive thoughts fucking shck

its so bad when im overstimulated to like rn i cant look at things that are uneven ir it just bothers me i cant explain it but wtf

om js severely overstimulated, but im not overwhelmed and im rlly tired but i can sleep bc my brain is hyper and idk what to do or how to explain my deelings

bro i fucking hate impusive thoughts or iust existing because i was on a boat today and i had to close the window because all i could think about was theowinf soemthing important out the window or jumping out thw windoe anns i just couldnt mi dont fucmign know

everytjings so overstimulateding i dont know khow to deel with my problems

it feels like wverythings against me right now and i have the cinstant feeling of dread or if i an going to dies oom pleade i dont want to go please o dont want to fuckig die im scared to go to sleep because what kf i dont wake up ive been fucking forcing myself awake skmetimes because of the dread that im not going to wake up im afraid of death what the fuck is going to happen i dont know whats going on anymore why cant i lige in the moment why id time moving so fast why id everything going on i cant keep uo with everything im not okay rnw im not ok what the tukkf isngoing on on in onj dont know wholw to express my feelings or thoughts so im just typing wverything i tuonk without tmaftially thinking because i dont fucking care rn i jutst doknt knkw what to do im sfared i feel like something is out to get me i feel like imm trapped and alone o feel fucking lsot what is going on i sont fucking knkw im sfated scared who am i because i dont even fucming know am i actually real pr is thos all a dream becausre i dknt wevn fucking knkw at rhis point im so fixking scatd that egeruthing js fake and all these memlries lf existinf is fake im here right now but what jf im jot what if indont fucking know SHIT THE FUCK UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SUIT UP SHIT UP SHUT IL O AHYE THESE THOUGHTS I DKNT WAKNT TO THINKA BOUT DEATH OR WHAT HAPPENS I JUST WANT TO BE FUCMING NORMAL WHAT THE FICK IS WRLNG WITH ME.

also 4 the ppl ik irl/online on here plz dont he worried about me im ok this happens a lot i just need to sleep and calm down and shit ok jm ok these are just my constant tjought (om pretty sure a lot of this is caused by ocd i was told) also i am safe and im not gonna act on any harm against myself or anyone else bc its all impulsive thoughts and ik im not gonnq do anything

[kindaasrikal]

Lowkey read this and those reblog rants you had with someone else on this post and just wanted to throw my own two cents.

(Also wanna add, i blame it all on bad writing. Wu was more focused as a mentor and teacher rather than an uncle and brother (except from a few random moments) in the early seasons. Don’t get me started on the atrocious writing Misako was given. When it comes to the other parents, lowkey they aren’t given that much attention story wise.)

Lou lowkey wasn’t as neglectful or ignored Cole as a lot tend to assume. I think how Lou was portrayed was more emotionally constipated with his grief and unsureness on how to parent after Lilly died, as well as emotionally neglectful with how he ended up not realising the grief Cole was going through too. Cole was shown to be afraid of disappointing his dad by not meeting his expectations, when it’s later revealed that Lou never cared all that much about that with how quickly he accepted Cole being a ninja (probs because of Lilly) when deep down he rlly just wanted Cole to be happy and a good person. He went about it the wrong way, definitely, but i can’t see him as incredibly irredeemable or bad canonically.

I lowkey just feel bad for Ray and Maya, like ignoring how illogical their kidnapping was, they were trapped away from civilisation and society for years and obviously deeply loved and cared for their kids, but didn’t know how to handle hurt and independent teens after years of being away.

Dr Julien built Zane when he was younger, he stayed for quite a while in Zane’s life until his inevitable death. The whole memory wipe/amnesia thing was weird on its own, but Dr Julien seemed like he did that because he wanted Zane to find his own place in the world, with out grief or worry for fitting in. Weird execution, but Dr Julien did love Zane and was around for a very long time in his life.

Tbh? I think the reason people hate Misako more than they do Garmadon is because of how poorly she was written and portrayed. She regretted leaving and definitely loved Lloyd (she dedicated years just searching for a way to prevent the prophecy from happening) but the writers lowkey just mentioned her in a random episode and then introduced her very half heartedly in said episode. Than her main trait became the fact that she’s a love interest for Wu, making her character more that rather than the mother to Lloyd. I’ll be honest though I’ve ranted about her before and what her possible reasonings and situation was. Garmadon wasn’t there for Lloyd for a good while despite having his shadows as a tool to do so. But, he was shown as a decently good parent quickly by worrying about Lloyd, wanting to protect him, feeling immense grief at not being able to do so, so on so forth. The same things Misako was portrayed as yet more minimally.

Wu and his whole reasoning for not taking Lloyd out of Darklys is a whole mess on it own since there’s nothing much on that whole fiasco, as well as what Lloyd did after he was kicked out (other than wander around). Wu obviously thought Lloyd was still in the school (The ninja saying he escaped his school again, meaning they had met him before and left him at Darklys before too) so no one other than Lloyd knew he was kicked out. The only reason why i think Wu didn’t take him in was either because he couldn’t cause of Misako being the legal guardian and thinking he can’t because Lloyd still went to school and he couldn’t change that (Wu’s shock at suddenly meeting Misako shows he had no idea where she was, she likely cut all contact off with everyone she used to know) making the reason he took Lloyd in after the school was essentially taken out of the picture much more understandable, or because Darkly’s was seem as a trusted school. I mean lowkey no one saw its existence a problem and had a bunch of kids from who knows what village there. They still taught the basics, like maths, english, science, but ig added a few extra things onto that? The whole casual existence of Darklys is strange, especially since it’s the only school ever mentioned in the show. Sure it was placed in a forest, but it seemed like the boarding schools existence was common knowledge.

Plot holes, man. I hate them sm. like where did Brad and Gene go when they could’ve been great at helping Lloyd.

And like, lowkey Wu could not control the ninja+Lloyd getting involved in half that bull they were lowkey destined for it. He obviously wanted to but destiny is a strong driving factor in Ninjago, meaning Wu could not stop any of it happening.

Legit just went on my own rant here so honestly sorry about that 😭

OK we all agree that misako is a shit parent

BUT

Wu ain't that much better than her. This man lets his nephew stay in a school for future gang members and criminals, even though he has the full authority to take him back.

And after getting him back, he puts him in multiple dangerous situations with the other ninjas.

This is not a misako-defending post, I have thoughts on her too. She literally abandoned her kid at said school and decided to fuck off to who the hell knows where and study ancient scrolls. And not ONCE did she think about checking up on her goddamn SON.

Legit, the only semi-decent parental figure Lloyd has is the dude destined to bring doom and destruction wherever he goes.

Said dude risked his life to save his son, literally DIED, and perhaps the only person Lloyd genuinely could look up to.

Come to think of it, lord Garmadon is one of THE best parents in the show. The other being Ed and Edna.

Kai and Nya's parents were kidnapped by a fucking dude, Dr.Julien got down and dirty with death a little after Zane's creation and Cole's dad is a neglectful asshole. Jay is the only one with loving parents.

The bar is so low it's in the realm of the departed, yet they STILL manage to trip over it and dig even deeper.

No wonder these kids are the way they are, I would have ended up in an asylum after the first two traumatic events.

[tavarillasgalen]

I was thinking today about how I spent years in a relationship that should have ended in months for 2 primary reasons: 1) I was afraid of being alone and I thought someone was better than no one, and 2) I felt like it was what I was supposed to do and like it would be selfish and wrong of me to end it "just" because I was bored and our communication styles didn't mesh.

And since ending it...

1) I was PETRIFIED of being alone. I was so, so scared. I've always been someone who goes from a lot of friends to no friends, which is common with bipolar (manic "you're my friend!!" vs depressed "everyone hates me, I'm a burden, I'm isolating myself"). And I have not had friends since university. I still have no friends and im trying to learn how it is that you make friends as an adult.

But the weird thing? As soon as I broke up with him, I felt so much less alone. My relationship with my family is better than it's been in years. My relationships with my little brothers are better than they've ever been in our entire lives. I'm so much less lonely.

Somehow, in the relationship, there was only time for my ex. I'm not sure how it happened. I think our stark cultural differences maybe played a role, because we have such different views on what makes a "good" family, and I feel like his poisoned mine. He'd rant about my family and mock them, but then i'd mention something I didn't like about how his family worked, and he'd get all up in arms. It was only ever okay to criticize the American way of doing things, to breathe a word about how I didn't like how his family did something was xenophobic, somehow.

It felt like a constant trap, like he had free rein to criticize and mock my family and how we do things endlessly, but if I got upset about it or dared to even suggest something like my being upset that his parents were trying to tell me, a fully grown adult and not their relative, what I can and cannot do with my life, it was just the worst, most offensive thing ever.

But since breaking up with him, I almost immediately got my family back. I don't have friends, I'm working on it. But I'm so much less alone than I was in the relationship.

2) I still struggle with this sense of obligation, of doing what I feel like I need to rather than what I want to. It's something I've struggled with for as long as I remember. Like, I remember being a child at the playground with my friends, and I told them I couldn't play with them because I needed to watch my little brother. When, I definitely could, and my mom was watching my little brother, but because she was also talking to her friends, I remember being worried that she was too distracted, even though my mom's not that type of person to let a conversation distract her from her child. So, I spent the time at the playground watching him instead of playing with my friends because I felt I had to.

And so even though I knew after a few months that this relationship wasn't for me, I ended up staying for 7 whole YEARS because I felt like I had to, like it was expected of me, like it was selfish and inconsiderate to break up just because I didn't want to be in the relationship when he clearly did. And so I'd act happier than I was, i'd ignore things, i'd let myself just go along with things. I eventually stopped fighting for what I needed in a relationship because he'd make all these promises and never see them through.

And I felt like I was being horrible when I finally ended it, but... The MOMENT I did, I felt SUCH relief. I've mever felt SUCH a rush of relief and glee lile that in my entire life. I cried 1 time, because I had no one to talk to before I fixed things with my family. But that was it. I had absolutely zero regrets about ended it and I instantly become so much happier and less anxious, it was like a miracle.

And yes, this is something that I easily recognize in books and had no problem telling people "you deserve better" when they'd raise concerns about being bored or mismatched communication in their relationships. It made perfect sense for them to leave. But me? No, no, that would be selfish and awful.

So, people keep telling me I was "so brave" for leaving. I was "so brave" for finally saying enough is enough, I don't deserve this. And I rolled my eyes at first, because I was like, how is it brave to break up with someone? But I get it now.

And honestly, this doing things out of obligation is something I still really, really struggle with. It's something that has kept me from pursuing a lot of my dreams. It's a lot harder to deal with than repairing relationships with family, because it's something i've struggled with for as long as I can remember.

But I'm working on it. And I'm happy I finally am.