#had to cut my prescription in half bc otherwise it would be too much right off the bat

[it-is-the-hannah]

Attempting to trick my brain into actually engaging in binocular vision after 24 years of Not Doing That is really something

[genderhawk]

I got mad on FB and posted a rant as a caption on a shared image.  The rant is SUUUUUUPER long and incohea-rant but it felt good to write...

I added the cut at about the same place fb puts the readmore

The image:  

The rant:

I only have to be brave in order to reveal a SLIVER of my true self (if you think I'm not hiding autistic traits by forcing myself to act painfully against my natural relational, communicative, and self-expressive instincts literally any time anyone could potentially see?  you are wrong) because people who AREN'T trans and/or disabled and/or otherwise marginalized in our culture have made it LITERALLY UNSAFE not to. CW: bigoted violence against people of all ages, eugenics, and other bigotry both in the abstract and as it applies to me.  Also, I'll be deleting comments that aren't constructive and respectful because this is MY facebook and, while I don't mind discourse, I don't want to host any content that doesn't serve me.  Argue wherever else you want.  Freedom of speech protects you from the government, not the Alexx. (that right ALSO doesn't cover incitments to violence, like arguments in support of eugenics...............  bc killing someone for immutable traits of their very being?  violent.  Even if it's just in reproductive limitations or the legal need to literally sterilize yourself in order to transition legally...  👀) as well as disordered eating and related weight loss

Anyways...  I've been thinking about living in a world that is hostile to almost every part of me, for one or more reasons.  If I go into spaces for queer and trans people who share my interests?  It's full of white people who can't be rascist bc they "have a black friend" but I'm the black person they've "befriended" and we are NOT friends and they ARE racist. Black spaces?  Most of them transphobic, if not homophobic as well...  Again, usiually not at the surface but even at the best events the bulk are still rife with STRUCTURAL anti-queer microagressions... And so few spaces for queer people, POC, nerds, activsits even.....  MAYBE 1/10 puts accessibility info on the event listing...    I know that not every event can meet every need, but shouldn't they at least be meeting the need of letting me know BEFORE I spend 3 hours getting to a class on interserctional direct action only for me to be unable to attend without SOMEHOW asking the event hosts to help me up the half-flight of steps to get into the building...  But theres no contact info and in order to get help I'd have to GO UP THE STAIRS AND ASK!! Disabled people can make PENNIES to the dollar, not even ten cents to every dollar an abled person can make, and it's LEGAL!  A dollar an hour is LEGAL and sub-minimum wage is standard for disabled employees even in feilds where their disability doesn't impact performance on average. Acording to the CA Public Policy Institute, 32,500 is the minimum yearly income needed for a family of four in California over the average cost of living for the WHOLE state. I divided by 4 and got $677 and change. I make EXACTLY that in SSI, give or take fifty cents.  So lets do some math!  My favorite subject... My PRESCRIPTION meds cost about 30 bucks a month, if I ONLY get the few meds that Medi-Cal and my private insurance through my mom don't cover AND if I can convince all my doctors to give me the max quantity of those so I'm refilling those every 90 days instead of every 30.  My transit?  Now that I have access, is 68.75 for 25 rides which is about how many I need a month.  Compared to the long beach transit 25 ride pass (31.25) so that is already an increase in CoL of $37.50 (not including meds in this updating tally bc most people have some medical copay, and 30 a month on average is comprable to an able bodied person's appt and med copays if they had my private insurance even without medi-cal)...   I do have OTC meds which, a low esitmate for monthly, is about 50 (I'm not counting CBD and THC as med expenses here bc then the numbers would be skewed by racist drug laws too....) for Tylenol, allergy meds, meds for nausea and diarrhea and constipation, dry eyes, dry mouth, other med side effects and symptom management. $87.50 spending increase with REALLY low and highly excluisive estimates... Moving on!  Food.  I can't cook or clean up after myself on a bad pain day (5 to six days a week) so I've lost 20% of my body weight since August due to disability.  A few different grocery budget calculations for my needs if I could cook for 64 of 84 meals a month (20 meals eaten away from home, ordered in, or otherwise convenient) is $145 or so. This also doesn't account for cost increase for allergy safe food items.  Thats also how much calfresh I get, although that number is slightly higher than my food money.  That means that I only spend, according to Jan's bank statment, 100 bucks of my own money on food.  $187 above and beyond average basic expenses per CA policy.   And thats just three needs. LEGALLY housing can't cost more for me bc of a disability, so I'll leave that out of this rant thats getting too long... Just with the four basic needs listed I've only got $274.75 left to buy clothes, further an education or learn a trade so that I'm not on SSI my whole life, pay for anything urgent, pay for anything extra, have fun, pay for THERAPY to deal with the stress of having so little money...................  It doesn';t cover phone, internet, or any medical equipment I might need to fix/replace/or add to my collection of resources...  It sure as hell doesn't cover any kind of community work or social connection. Sometimes it feels like everything is against me and I feel paranoid...  And then I remember that in most states its legal to abuse and torture children like me to make them Normal and Acceptable (ABA, conversion therapy, skin bleaching...)