#had this thought while drunk on vacation but got embarrassed and deleted

[awearywritersworld]

mdni

gojo in pearls gojo in pearls gojo in pearls

he has one necklace that's rather short, so it rests just above his pretty collarbones. the other is a bit longer, reaching the middle of his chest.

usually you like the shorter of the two better. his neck is so lithe, the pearls decorating it make it look even more graceful. but when you're in bed? it's a different story.

the longer necklace dangles over your face as his hips thrust against your own. the pearls brush against your nose and mouth with each desperate move he makes, and sometimes they get caught between your lips when he captures yours in a kiss.

[purplesurveys]

1281

survey by chasingghosts

Who?

Who was the last person you had an intelligent debate with? Not so sure - maybe Angela and Reena. Our group chat will occasionally veer towards serious topics.

Who was the last person who cooked something for you? Dad, I believe; but I can also hear my mom preparing breakfast downstairs so she will be the next last person haha.

Who was the last person who you heard singing? Other than me, my co-worker Dev’s sibling when we had our weekly ~fade-out-slash-bonding call with the rest of the team last Friday. She had left her mic on while we were all doing the last remaining bits of work for the week and I could hear her sibling humming in the background.

Who was the last person you kissed and it meant something? My ex.

Who was the last person you were upset with? Myself.

Who was the last person you danced with? I don’t really dance with other people unless...like, drunk. But I guess my swaying and bouncing with Angela when we watched Sowoozoo counts.

Who was the last person you felt awkward around? The food delivery rider who was bringing food my aunt wanted to send over to us yesterday. He seemed very confused for reasons I’m still very confused by lmao, so it all made for an awkward encounter. 

Who was the last person who borrowed something from you? My mom went into my closet last week to grab something of mine, but I have no idea what it was since I had been half-asleep when she walked in.

Who was the last person who showed you how to do something? My dad taught me how to make coffee that wasn’t from a 3-in-1 sachet lol.

Who was the last person you went shopping with? I don’t really go shopping, much less with other people.

Who was the last person you had a crush on? I haven’t crushed on anyone since my ex, and the people I find attractive nowadays are all celebrities haha.

Who was the last person who made you cry? Myself.

Who was the last person you shared a bed with? Oh, that’s been a while. Still Gabie, I’m pretty sure.

Who was the last person you got drunk with? We were quite a bunch at Angela’s place two weeks ago, but I’ll name a few - her, Reena, Pia, Hans, Al.

Who was the last person who touched your hair? Not sure. Maybe my dad.

What?

What was the last pair of shoes you wore? It was a pair of adidas sneakers.

What was the last birthday party you attended? The last birthday celebration (not necessarily a party) I went to was Angela’s. I darted to her house straight after work that day cos there was no way I was going to miss out on her birthday.

What was the last thing you said to your mother? I think it was just to bid her goodnight last night.

What was the last song you listened to? Seesaw by Suga.

What was the last thing you thought about before going to sleep last night? I was thinking about my headache and how I wanted to fall asleep immediately.

What was the last fun thing you did with your family? We had a Zoom party yesterday to celebrate my cousin Bree’s 12th birthday! Her family sent over takoyaki, milk tea, and pizza to all the households who went and we watched the birthday clips we sent for Bree. It was a lot of fun and it was a super nice break from how monotonous my weekends could be.

What was the last thing you borrowed from someone? My sister’s microfiber cloth so that I could clean my glasses.

What was the last vegetable you ate? I’m blanking out...which is weird because my dad puts veggies in most of the dinners he makes hahaha. Probably something like lettuce or pechay??

What was the last thing you bought online? My friends and I pre-ordered the second season of In The Soop so that we can watch it when it premieres later in the month. We’ll also have to purchase our tickets to BTS’ next online concert that’ll be happening this month too...thanks for reminding me I have to raise it with them haha.

What was the last thing you had to drink? I haven’t had to drink anything recently but the last thing I took a sip of was my coffee.

What was the last reason you went to see a doctor? Continued from yesterday morning. I had had a fever all week long and we couldn’t figure out how to lower my temperature, so we needed to go so I could finally be diagnosed with whatever it was. It turned out to be a UTI.

What was the last non-food item you purchased? Pre-order slots for a pay-per-view series.

What was the last type of yoghurt you ate? Ooh, I don’t like yogurt. I’m blanking out on the last time I had it.

What was the last fast food place you ate at? I haven’t dined in at a fast food place in a while – I think it may have been Jollibee, when Angela and I met up back in February. But I did get KFC for delivery a few weeks ago.

What was the last thing that bothered you and kept you awake? Doesn’t really happen to me nowadays. I get knocked out most nights.

When?

When was the last time you embarrassed yourself? I guess yesterday? I went to Starbucks to work for a little bit but since I hadn’t done dine-in for a couple of months, I had no idea the government modified the rules a bit and required people to bring their vaccination cards if they wanted to dine in. The barista explained the new rule and I ended up profusely apologizing because I didn’t have mine on me, and I also offered that I could just do take out; but she was nice and let me off the hook and just confirmed with me if I’ve had my shots.

When was the last time you watched a movie with someone? Just myself. I did watch Squid Game - binge-watched all 9 episodes straight - with my sister last Saturday, though.

When was the last time you charged your phone? Earlier this afternoon.

When was the last time you were sick with a cold? I dunno. 1 or 2 years ago, maybe? I rarely get colds.

When was the last time you spoke to a family member on the phone? Yesterday when my mom called me up.

When was the last time it rained where you live? Earlier today. Explains why it’s been humid the last few days.

When was the last time you laid awake, unable to sleep? Like I said, struggling to fall asleep doesn’t really happen to me anymore. I usually exhaust myself until I feel like I can pass out the second I close my eyes.

When was the last time you met someone new? I want to say two Fridays ago when I pitched a presentation to a new set of people but still within a client brand we manage.

When was the last time you filled up your car with petrol/gas? I don’t drive a lot, so it’s been a few months.

When was the last time you ate popcorn? Don’t like popcorn so I honestly can’t remember. My mom makes them occasionally though so I may have grabbed one or two just to have something to chew, sometime within the year.

When was the last time you went to a school event? March last year. A school event that had been held on a Friday was literally the last place I was at – by the time that very next Monday rolled around, classes were already suspended.

When was the last time you took the trash out? I’m not normally in charge of that chore so I haven’t done it.

When was the last time you did anything to change your appearance? Like...10 minutes ago? I just fixed my bun since my hair had started to look disheveled from being up all day.

When was the last time you cooked at home? Sometime in like November last year when I tried to make a sandwich. Anyway, my dad just left today to finally head back to his work for the first time in nearly two years, and I told myself (and him) that I should try to learn cooking at least one meal so that I can manage well while he’s gone haha.

When was the last time you had a sleepover? Maybe January of last year.

Where?

Where did you last go shopping for clothing? Not sure about physical spaces but I did open my Zalora app recently to look for cute bucket hats that I’ll probably never buy anyway hahaha.

Where did you last go on a date to? I don’t even remember. I deleted all photos a long time ago.

Where was the last wedding you went to? Manila Cathedral, if I’m not mistaken. This was well over a decade ago, though. I haven’t been to any other wedding since.

Where did you last park your car, other than home? Angela’s house when I visited a couple of weeks ago.

Where did you last leave your keys? Dining table.

Where did your last kiss take place? By my ex’s car when I was bidding her goodbye.

Where did you last go for a walk to? The mall, yesterday.

Where did you last take a vacation to? It was a staycation more than anything, but we stayed at Tagaytay for a night at the start of this year to celebrate my dad’s birthday.

Where did you last go to celebrate your own birthday? We stayed at home. I reported to work that day then just had a huge dinner with my family haha.

Where was the last place you had dinner at? No clue. I want to say Ramen Nagi? when I ate there on my own last February.

Where did you last go to exercise? Rooftop since it’s open-space and no one can see me.

Where did you last take public transport to? I don’t take public transport.

Where does the last person you hung out with live? A city close to mine.

Where did you last visit for the first time? A Korean restaurant close to Angela’s place.

Where did you last take a photo? Just my room.

[howtodisassembleyourdeviant]

( gosh I want so many secrets, I want to send them all ) 🙃 🍎 ❤️ 🖤 - ( for both please )

🙃- For a lighter, slightly embarrassing secret

Android: Connor has had to go to the hospital on three separate occasions to have his systems flushed after eating some form of human food. 

Human: Drunk Connor is an asshole to sober Connor. One time, he woke up handcuffed to the metal railing in front of his apartment door. Apparently, Drunk Connor had dropped his keys when he went to unlock his door and couldn’t find them, so he handcuffed himself so he wouldn’t wander off. It took him over an hour to finally reach his fallen keys and find the handcuff keys on them. 

🍎- For something they secretly wish did exist

Android: A way to delete hardwired codes from his mind without risking everything that he is. 

Human: A way to rewrite memories. 

❤️- For a secret crush

Both: Captain Allen. He takes good care of his body and is a good leader. Plus, his ass looks nice in his SWAT gear. Even android Connor can appreciate the aesthetic of the man. 

🖤- For something they secretly wish they could do with your muse

Android: Travel. Thomas is such a man of the world, Connor wishes he could experience that. Nothing permanent, as he still has obligations, but taking vacations to places he has never been. He’s also afraid to and will find a dozen excuses as to why they shouldn't go. Especially if they have to get on a plane. (He’ll probably need to be forced into stasis to keep him from self-destructing.)

Human: Be with him more. Experience life outside the DPD with him. Relearn what it’s like to have a life before he threw his entire being into his career. 

Bonus (All you say? *v*):

🌧- For a heavy, emotional secret

Android: Connor wishes he could exchange his life for all the androids that died while trapped at Jericho when it fell. He imagines the struggle they had faced as it fell, the fear. They thought they were safe, and Connor had broken that. He had inadvertently helped the FBI find them. Even in his rebuilt version of the Zen Garden, under the pond, are android bodies, staring up at him accusingly. They have dragged him under in some of his nightmares. 

Human: Connor believes he is a curse. He only causes pain to those who get close to him. It keeps him from forming bonds and causes him to push those he cares about away. He never says it, but he believes it was his fault that Cole is dead. He cursed the people he cared about, and they paid a high price for it. 

🌟- For a secret wish or desire of theirs

Android: He wishes that the revolution wasn’t necessary. That the humans didn’t feel the need to use force against them. That they were accepted and the laws were changed to include them, rather than struggle to keep making new laws. He wishes the world wasn’t so full of hate. 

Human: That people weren’t so ugly to each other. Life is so hard, and he doesn’t understand why people feel the need to make it harder when a few words can make it better. Why is it so hard to offer a helping hand instead of a closed fist? 

🍏- For something they secretly wish didn’t exist

Both: All the hate people have for what is not like them. 

📲- Talk about someone/something you dislike, but only pretend to like

Android: Fishing. Hank really likes fishing, but Connor can’t stay still for long. When Hank falls asleep, Connor goes for a swim, often scaring the shit out of Hank if the water is clear enough, walking along the bottom of the lake with his thermoregulator turned up, the cold around him keeping him safe from any complications. Of course, what really terrifies Hank is when he comes back to the surface and purges all the water from his artificial lungs that he had used to weigh himself down. He doesn’t like it either, but it’s worth it. 

Human: Cars. As a kid, it was obvious Hank really liked cars, often working on his own. Connor, in an effort to appease his new dad, studied hard on the various vehicles that Hank seemed to particularly enjoy, watching as he did minor repair work. He wasn’t used to not having the strict structure that he had with Amanda, always seeking approval and terrified of punishment. Hank never gave him anything to study, so he found things on his own. In actuality, Connor really doesn’t have the same affinity towards vehicles that his dad has, but he enjoys the bond it created. 

👁‍🗨- Talk about someone/something you like, but pretend to dislike

Android: When someone challenges him. Most of the time, he pretends not to like it, but there is a certain feeling that he gets when he explains why the person is wrong that he likes. However, if the action is repeated, or the person can’t see the logic, it starts to anger him and it can turn to resentment. 

Human: Donuts. They’re unhealthy and just an overall stereotype for his profession. However, he can’t help but look at a fresh box of donuts longingly. 

🍻- For something bad/mischievous you did as a child or teen that your parents don’t know about

Human: It wasn’t necessarily bad, but it wasn’t allowed. He would sneak food. He had to be really careful about what he took, only taking a few small sips from a carton of juice or taking grapes only after Amanda had already opened them and pulled some from the vine. It’s probably the only reason he’s survived. 

🌜- For a ‘weird’ habit or tic that no one knows about

Android: Connor bites his left pointer finger when stressed. Outside stimulus forces his mind to focus on the pain rather than the chaos in his head. As a result, it doesn’t bend as well as the rest of his fingers and is permanently damaged. It’s replaceable, of course, but there’s no point if he’s just going to do it again. 

Human: This one is only mentioned briefly once, but if Connor doesn’t finish his cigarette for some reason, he puts it out by swiping it across the bottom of his palm of his left hand. It started as a way of self-harm in high school, but now it developed into a habit. The skin there is scarred and callous, and he barely feels it anymore. 

💃- For a talent that they like to keep hidden from others

Android: Connor likes to dance and has mastered several easily, thanks in part to both his adaptability and combat protocols. It started with Capoeira and quickly evolved from there. He even knows several seductive dances, such as pole-dancing and belly-dancing. It's something he keeps secret, usually dancing really late at night. 

Human: Connor can play the piano and knows the basics of the violin. He hates them and knows if anyone found out, they would ask him to play something. There was a time he had to go undercover at a lounge, and they asked him if he knew how to play and he said no. He had to work as a busboy/dishwasher for the entire week. 

🏹- For a talent they wish they had

Both: Cooking

���- For something that scares or disturbs them, but they refuse to tell anyone

Android: Blizzards. He gives off the impression that he wouldn’t mind them, given how much he loves snow, but the second he hears that one is headed for the area, his demeanor changes and he puts in a request for the time off. 

Human: Roses. What kind of person is scared of roses. Well, he is. They dictated his life for the longest time. He was supposed to prune them with shears that couldn’t even cut through a slice of bread. thorns tearing into his skin as he worked on keeping them healthy, removing weeds. If any of them were damaged or he did a lousy job, it was the ‘roses’ choice’ when he would be allowed to eat again. Amanda would make him actually ask them if he was allowed a meal, with Amanda translating for them. 

☢️- For a controversy or scandal they have been able to keep mostly under wraps

Android: Well, Connor knows about Thomas’s red ice, does that count?

Human: Connor lets petty crimes that hurt no one go. He gives people warnings or things like that, but there’s no reason to enforce a law that is there simply to make things harder for the average person.

🐇- For a secret item they keep (stuffed animal, comfort object, etc)

Android: It’s not really a secret, but no one knows about his six-foot long shark that he cuddles with, often keeping it pressed against the back of the bed under his pillows.

Human: Connor made the fox, but before that, He also has a plush shark that Hank bought him as a kid.

📒- For a secret journal/diary they keep (Bonus: Share an entry from it!)

Android:  30.11.2038: Another “Nightmare”. Woke up the Lieutenant again. Decided not to enter stasis anymore.

Human: Connor doesn’t keep a journal. He was told to, but he never got into the habit of writing down his thoughts.

📔- For a secret sketchbook they keep (Bonus: Share a sketch or doodle within it!)

Android:

He seen this dog at the park and the two colored eyes reminded him of Markus. 

Human:

He was bored, doodling on a notepad. 

[notquitecanon]

Christmas Vacation // Spencer Reid x Reader

a little blurb about the reality of big family Christmas that was heavily inspired by National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. 

TW: drug mention

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

____________

You pressed your back against the bedroom door, closing your eyes and taking a calming breath as you prayed to anything out there that your mother would give it a rest. Leaning against the door, you savored the few moments of relative quiet (you could still hear the loud political discussion your uncles were having- both extreme conservatives with all their facts from facebook, your mother and siblings in the kitchen gossiping, and your younger cousins loudly playing edgy music to cover up the Christmas music from downstairs.) You were really beginning to regret coming home for “big, old fashioned, family Christmas”.

“You’re hiding to you?” You heard a familiar voice ask, startling you. Yelping a bit, your eyes shot open to find your boyfriend, Dr. Spencer Reid lurking in your childhood bedroom by your bookcase. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

You smiled, crossing the room and collapsing on your old twin sized mattress that you two were sharing for the weekend. The good doctor copied you, flopping down beside you as you sighed, “Yep. My grandmother is convinced that I’m pregnant, and won’t stop giving me advice on a shotgun wedding.”

“W-wait... are..?” Spencer stuttered, leaning upon his elbow to gape at you. Chuckling, you shook your head no, watching his sigh of relief. You were certain you wanted to spend your life with him- but children weren’t on the schedule just yet. 

“Why are you hiding?” You asked, lacing your fingers through his. He squeezed your hand. 

“The Christmas sweater your great-aunt knitted was giving me a heat rash. And your uncle was asking me how much information the FBI had on him- and was asking me to delete it.” He admitted, smiling as he watched you laugh. 

“And a very Merry Christmas from the (Y/L/N) family.” You joked, sitting up. “I’m sorry I dragged you out here for this.”

Spencer followed your movements, “No! I wanted to come. This is your family, this is you! Besides, I very excited for your Aunt’s banana pineapple surprise that seemed to be defying gravity.”

“We’re going to need a vacation from this vacation.” You complained, ignoring his joke about the disgusting casserole waiting downstairs, leaning in so your head tucked onto his shoulder. He chuckled, kissing the top of your head. 

“Besides, tomorrow we fly out to see my mom. So we’ll have a little more alone time.” He promised, rubbing your back. You smiled, pulling back so Spencer could see the mischevious glint in your eyes before getting up and locking the door. 

“Alone time sounds perfect right now.” You winked, crawling back onto the twin bed, it was so small that it didn’t take much effort to be on top of him. He was nodding, already a blushing mess as you leaned down to kiss him. Just as your lips brushed his, something beat against your window. 

“You two better not be making grandkids in there! I’m too young to be a grandfather!” 

In horror, you looked up to see your dad perched on a ladder, a string of Christmas lights in hand. Now your cheeks matched Spence’s (who looked like he wanted to wither away in embarrassment), as you stumbled off your boyfriend. 

“Dad! I’m a grown woman! Besides what are you doing out there!” You hissed, Spencer quickly getting off your bed as well to fix his clothes, and slip the sweltering Christmas sweater on- effectively killing any mood that hadn’t already been killed by your father. 

“Dave across the road put up those reindeer. I will not be outdone by a man who doesn’t even own a leaf blower.” He vowed, shimmying down the latter the angrily staple Christmas lights. You shook your head and threw another hopeless look at your boyfriend, who was already sweating in his knitted apparel. With a forced smile, you tried to be optimistic.

“Well, we haven’t set anything on fire yet, so this is still a success.” 

Later that night, after the tree had been completely put out (it had been a rather unfortunate situation involving hairspray and a cigarette), at Christmas dinner, it was you who wanted to crawl into a hole and die. 

Your father has just cut into a turkey that looked drier than the Sahara, your aunt was a bottle of wine in and scooping a generous helping of Banana Pineapple Surprise onto Spencer’s plate, your mother was quietly scolding you about the neckline of your shirt, and your uncles were complaining about the players that had kneeled at the Superbowl. You had a tight hold on Spencer’s hand under the table, hoping that he would be your lifeline to sanity as your cousin’s rambled in. 

The group of teenagers smelled heavily of pot as they slumped into their chair, all chuckling about something. You decided to ignore this, as you felt you needed some sort of drink or drug to get through the night as well. When your great aunt blessed the food with a startling rendition of God Save the Queen, you thought that would be the worst of it. 

You were wrong. 

So much was happening at once. Your uncles had moved onto to “the gender crisis” and “the war on Christmas”. Your mother was complaining about you not spending Christmas day with them. The weed-ridden cousins were laughing at a video on one of their phones while your drunk aunt loudly announced the latest in her divorce lawsuit. It was when your grandmother asked Spencer about his virility that you decided to put an end to it. 

“Alright, that’s enough!” You began loudly, drawing everyone’s attention, “Uncle Mike, Uncle Hank- stop talking politics until you actually start watching the news. Aunt Tanya, your husband was cheating on you- get a better lawyer. Mom, we already have plane tickets and we’re going to go see Spencer’s mother tomorrow, end of discussion. Grandma, I love you, but I’m not pregnant and don’t plan to be a long time.” You paused before pointing to the teenagers who were wide-eyed at your display (one of them was holding up a camera and you swore if you saw your mental breakdown on tik tok you’d kill one of them), “And you three! Are you serious? Could you not wait for the ACTUAL FBI AGENT to leave before you went out and rolled a blunt? For the love of God and Christmas, can we act like we’ve got some sense in this household? I’d rather my family not scare off my boyfriend.” 

You paused to take a breath and a sip of the wine by your plate, “Hallelujah, Holy Shit!” 

Already leaving your place at the table, you pinched the bridge of your nose, “Where’s the Tylenol?” 

As you left the dining room you could hear their murmurs, and you already felt guilty for unloading all of that- but also fairly relieved. After a quick breather in your bathroom (and two Tylenol swallowed), you decided it was time to rejoin your family. Knowing them, they’ll probably act like nothing even happened. You thought as you shook your head, Poor Spence, I left him down there to fend for himself. 

To your surprise, Spencer was just outside the bathroom door hand held up like he was just about to knock and your glass of wine in the other, “Hey, sweetheart, you ok?”

You suppressed a laugh, he only called you pet names when he thought you were really upset. You leaned up and kissed his cheek, “I’m fine. Really. It’s not Christmas if at least one family member has a come apart at the table.”

He sighed in relief, “It was pretty awkward for a second. Then your cousins all gave me ridiculous excuses about the pot smell. And then it was back to normal.”

“Sounds about right, but we still haven’t had to call an emergency service yet, so I’m still counting it as a win. My crazy family hasn’t scared you off yet, has it?” You asked, wrapping your arms around his waist after gratefully taking the red wine out of his hand. Feeling his head shake as his arms wrapped around you, you listened to his words as they vibrated his chest. 

“I spent Christmas with Derek and his family one year, and in the same year spent New Years with Garcia. Your family doesn’t even top my list.” Spencer assured you, “Also did you know that emergency calls spike by 47% in the period between December 23 and Jan 2- within that 47%, 1/2 are alcohol-related, 1/4 are house fires caused by holiday decorations, and 1/4 are domestic disputes between family members.”

You laughed aloud that time, it’s not a Spencer Reid Christmas without some random inane fact. You thought as you looked up to him. “Maybe we won’t be in that 47% this ye-”

You were interrupted by a sharp scream, a lot of yelling, and the easily identified voice of your aunt screaming, “Quick, someone call 911!”

“And nevermind.” You sighed, already moving to run downstairs, but pausing at the doorway, “Hey, Spence...”

He was right behind you, staring at you quizzically as the noise of chaos floated up from downstairs. Your family was hectic, but you wouldn’t have it any other way- and Spencer was in the middle of it all, taking it in stride. 

“Merry Christmas, I love you.”

__________________

This is bad but honestly, this is how 90% of my holiday goes. I wish Spencer was around to witness the chaos. 

[stillgeekingout]

so uh... guess who’s back that’s right, it’s the ultimate aaron milverton crossover fic! sorry it’s been so long I’ve been very busy. pls accept my deepest apologies in the form of this chapter

(tw death mention) previous chapters:  1 here, 2 here, 3 here, 4 here, 5 here, 6 here, 7 here, 8 here, 9 here, 10 here, 11 here, 12 here, 13 here

-----

For the second time, Aaron picked Chad up at the airport.

Picking up a boy he had been crushing on who had sworn off dating was worlds different from picking up his long distance boyfriend. He had nothing to be stressed about this time, only excited.

The Orlando airport was full of people flying home after Christmas. Aaron navigated through clumps of families towards Chad’s gate. His heart was pounding.

He watched as wave after wave of people exited the gate before finally…

“Chad!!” He didn’t care about the people around him who looked when he yelled out. Chad rushed to him as fast as the crowd and his luggage would allow, then flung his arms around Aaron’s neck. Aaron wrapped him into a tight hug.

“It’s so good to see you, man,” he said into Chad’s ear. “I missed you.”

Chad pulled back and gave Aaron a quick kiss. “I missed you too, babe!” Aaron looked around, flustered. He wasn’t embarrassed, exactly, but kissing in an airport seemed weird. But he grabbed Chad’s hand anyway and they walked to his car together.

------

Rachel spent Christmas morning with her parents and then went to a party with her cousin who lived in town. It was nice. Her cousin’s friends were cool, she always meant to hang out with them more. Her cousin had tried to film her for a youtube video she was making, but Rachel asked her to leave that part out. The last thing she needed was to be in more vlogs.

Blair had deleted Hamlet’s videos without asking questions, for which Rachel was immensely grateful. (She suspected it was less that Blair respected her privacy and more that she genuinely didn’t care, but the outcome was the same regardless.) It was such a weight off her shoulders knowing she wouldn’t go back and obsess over them during moments of weakness. And, more importantly, she could feel secure knowing no one else would find them. She asked Blair to leave up only one video: the Wonderwall montage. It made her more nostalgic than depressed, and she wanted one way to remember her friends that wasn’t tainted with everything that had happened.

According to Zoe, she had taken Alex and Blair to her mom’s just for Christmas day and then back to DC immediately after. Rachel had been hoping to see Zoe while she was in Florida, but apparently she had to go right back to work because between the convention and Thanksgiving, she had used up all her vacation time. The convenience of being able to teleport, Rachel supposed. (Which apparently didn’t extend to popping into Orlando to visit… but it was fine…)

She did think it was strange that Zoe never visited her, considering how often Blair was around. But she didn’t want to be upset with Zoe. Maybe she felt weird about it too-- after all, Rachel hadn’t asked Blair to take her to DC for a visit, when she knew Blair would probably be more than willing. Whatever the reason, she had accepted that she wouldn’t be seeing Zoe any time soon, and she wasn’t going to give her a hard time.

That didn’t mean they didn’t still talk constantly. They’d had several more actual non-texting phone conversations, and Rachel ended all of them with “I love you”. It started just to continue the joke, but after a few times, it just felt natural. They stopped commenting on it-- it became normal.

Just as she was thinking of Zoe, her phone buzzed with a text.

Happy NYE! Have fun at aaron’s party :)

Thanks-- hope he and chad don’t kill me with the PDA lol

awww cut them some slack, long distance sucks

bright side: one night of not hearing him whine about it before he goes back to whining when chad leaves!! haha (nah jk I’m happy for them)

She put her phone down, thinking about Zoe’s “long distance sucks”. She couldn’t help wondering if it wasn’t just about Aaron and Chad. Blair had stopped mentioning her offer to move Rachel to DC. She wondered if Zoe had just accepted that they weren’t going to be anything besides friends.

She wondered if she herself had accepted that.

------

“Talking to Rachel again?”

“Hmm?” Zoe looked up from her phone to see Alex standing near her.

“You talk to her a lot,” said Alex, sitting down next to her. “How’s that going?”

“Um. Good,” Zoe said. She had texted Rachel immediately after leaving work (as she did most days lately). It was New Year’s Eve, but Zoe had nowhere to go. She was off on the first but she didn’t really have any parties to go to. Her only local (human) friends were Violet, Eliza, and John, and they were out of town. So she was sitting around feeling sorry for herself, wishing she were at Aaron’s party with Rachel.

“I love New Year’s,” Alex said, letting the subject drop. “It’s so human. When you only have a few years to live, it makes sense to want to count and celebrate them.”

“We have more than a few years,” Zoe protested, but Alex had a point. What use was counting years for an immortal?

“Not enough to not be spending them how you want,” Alex said. “So are we going to Florida?”

“What?”

“Are we going to Aaron’s party? Blair doesn’t have to come if she doesn’t want to be around B4B. I think Dionysus is doing something.” They pulled out a mess of a knitting project they had been working on and started weaving the needles randomly through it.

“Alex, what makes you think that--”

“Oh, sorry, I just assumed from how much you’ve been talking about it. Did you not want to go?”

Zoe laughed. Alex was getting better at picking up hints, even when she wasn’t trying to drop them. “No, you’re right. Of course I want to go,” she said.

Alex beamed. They loved parties.

-----

“RACHEL!”

Rachel had barely made it in the door of Aaron’s apartment before being engulfed in an enthusiastic hug. She laughed.

“Hey, Aaron,” she said, but it came out muffled from inside the hug. Aaron let go of her and she looked up at him. She didn’t know it was possible for one person to radiate so much happiness. He was practically glowing.

“Everybody, this is my girl Rachel,” Aaron said. “Everybody” turned out to be a couple local B4B friends and Chad. Rachel waved awkwardly. Chad got up off the couch and came to shake her hand like the good networking former frat boy he was.

“So nice to finally meet you, Rachel, I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Likewise,” said Rachel. “I mean I saw you through a car window that one time but it’s nice to officially meet.”

Chad laughed.

“I’m so glad you’re here, dude,” Aaron said. “We have snacks in the kitchen, help yourself.” He grabbed Chad’s hand and walked back over to the couch. She watched them go, smiling. She was happy for Aaron-- she knew how much it had been killing him not having Chad around.

She grabbed a few cookies and sat down in the living room, vaguely listening to the conversation. It was always awkward to be at a party where you only know the host. She wanted to text Zoe but didn’t want to be that person on her phone.

As the night went on, Rachel managed to integrate herself into the socializing well enough. They played a few board games. As she had predicted, Chad and Aaron displayed an obnoxious amount of PDA (that she forgave only because she knew it was short-lived). At one point, Aaron’s friend Kate facetimed from her own B4B party in San Francisco and insisted on being introduced to everyone. Overall, it was a pleasant experience. Rachel managed to resist livetexting the event to Zoe, but she definitely spent all night crafting the next morning’s messages in her head. She would text Zoe at midnight, at the very least.

She realized then that she had thought of texting Zoe at midnight before her parents or anyone else she knew. But that wasn’t that weird, right? It wasn’t like she knew very many (living) people, and one of them she would see at midnight. Kissing his boyfriend, no doubt.

A persistent knocking pulled her out of her thoughts. Aaron looked around, as if making sure everyone he had invited was still in the room.

“Everyone’s here already,” he said. He looked at Chad, who shrugged. The knocking continued. Aaron got up and went to the door. Rachel hoped it was some drunk person with the wrong door. She was finally feeling comfortable with the people who were already there, she didn’t want some random other friend of Aaron’s to show up uninvited and throw a wrench into the group vibe. She heard Aaron open the door.

“Zoe! Alex! Wow, can’t believe you guys are here! Come in!”

Rachel’s head jerked up. Alex was greeting Aaron enthusiastically. She stood. Why was Aaron so tall? She couldn’t see around him. The other people at the party must have thought she was odd for jumping up so quickly, but she didn’t care. Aaron moved to let them in, and Rachel locked eyes with Zoe, still in the doorway. She stared, still in shock.

A second later, Zoe was pulled into a hug from Aaron and they broke eye contact. Rachel’s head spun. She couldn’t believe Zoe had come, and on top of that, how happy it made her just to see her in person again.

She remembered again how Zoe had been the first thing on her mind all night and realized maybe that last part wasn’t so hard to believe.

-----

Zoe had tried to tell Alex that you didn’t need to keep knocking until the person answered the door, but they sometimes got overenthusiastic and forgot. She hoped Aaron wouldn’t mind her showing up unannounced.

It had taken them longer to get there than she would’ve liked. Alex went through about 4 human forms before Zoe remembered they’d have to use the same one as the last time they saw Aaron. She still hadn’t explained to Aaron that Alex was also a god, and even if he knew, she remembered how disorienting it was to think of Alex as the same person(?) for the first few months she knew them. She had long since gotten used to it, but better not to complicate things. After that, Alex spent far too much time going through every wardrobe option.

“Can I borrow that pink jacket you have?” they had asked her at one point. “Don’t you think that’s a good party accessory?”

“Um.” Zoe had forgotten that she kept the Goodwill pink ladies jacket so prominently displayed in her room. Alex definitely couldn’t wear it, but she didn’t have a good explanation for why not. She could say it was because she wanted to wear it, but she wasn’t sure she did. Nobody but Rachel would appreciate the joke, and she felt like even Rachel would see it as a strong statement. She had been trying so hard just to be there for Rachel as a friend and not put on any perceived romantic pressure. If Rachel wasn’t comfortable with it, she wasn’t going to push it. Especially not when their friendship was going so well.

By the time her brain started to formulate a response, Alex had already moved onto a different idea. Good.

When they were finally both ready (Zoe gave Alex a hard time but it did take her a while to do her makeup to her satisfaction), Alex teleported them to Aaron’s house. She still didn’t entirely understand how that worked. She hoped it was the right door. Did gods just know these things?

Aaron opened the door, and immediately she knew she shouldn’t have been concerned about surprising him. His face lit up.

“Zoe! Alex! Wow, can’t believe you guys are here! Come in!” He reached to shake hands with Alex and pulled them into a hug. Zoe laughed. He was so enthusiastic. She tried not to crane her neck around him to look inside. She would see Rachel when she saw her. No big deal.

Then Aaron moved and she saw her, standing in the living room behind him. They made eye contact. Zoe’s heart pounded. Before she could read Rachel’s face, Aaron was hugging her next. Would Rachel be happy to see her? Was this too strong of a move? Maybe they shouldn’t have come.

Aaron let go of her. She didn’t look back at Rachel.

“Everybody, these are my friends Zoe and Alex!” said Aaron. Zoe looked around and saw Chad and a few others she didn’t recognize. She smiled and waved halfheartedly.

“Hi, sorry I’m late,” she said. “Also, you know, sorry I didn’t RSVP.” She continued to avoid looking at Rachel. She was suddenly very nervous to talk to her, which was weird. She talked to Rachel constantly, and she wasn’t a nervous type.

“Dude, no worries,” said Aaron. “I’m thrilled you’re here. I didn’t even know you were in town! Rachel, did you plan this?” Zoe finally looked at Rachel, but Rachel was looking at Aaron.

“Um, yeah! Surprise!” Rachel smiled. She was an actor, Zoe remembered.

“Well, there are snacks in the kitchen, help yourself!” said Aaron. Alex bounced over to the group and started introducing themself to everyone.

Rachel walked into the kitchen. Zoe took the hint and followed her. She wished she could tell what Rachel was thinking, but her back was to her.

When they got into the kitchen (which was barely a separate room from the rest of the apartment), Rachel turned around.

“What are you doing here??” she demanded.

Zoe shrugged. “Surprise?”

They stood there looking at each other for what was probably 5 seconds but felt much longer, then Rachel rushed forward and hugged her. Zoe hugged her back, relieved. For several moments, they didn’t let go, then finally they broke away at the same time.

“I’m so happy to see you,” Rachel said. “You have no idea. I’ve been wishing you were here all night.”

“I’ve been wishing to be here all night!” Zoe said. “And Alex noticed, I guess, so… here we are.”

“Remind me to thank them later,” Rachel said. “Is Blair not coming?”

“Nah, she didn’t want to be around the midwives.” Rachel laughed. Zoe had told her about Blair’s weird aversion to B4B.

“Well, tell her I said hi when you see her. She’s missing some good snacks.”

“I will, but don’t be offended if she doesn’t know who you are,” Zoe said. “I mean I mention you a lot but I don’t know if she’s ever actually listening to me.”

“Oh yeah…” Rachel looked thoughtful. “I guess we did only meet a couple times.”

Zoe laughed. “Did you forget?”

“Well from how much you talk about her, I feel like I know her.”

“She should really get to know you more,” Zoe said. “I think the two of you would get along.”

“I feel like we would,” Rachel said confidently. She paused, then gestured to the other room. “Did you want to go hang out with everyone?”

What Zoe really wanted was to keep talking to Rachel alone, but the kitchen wasn’t very private and they couldn’t exactly leave the apartment, so she nodded. They walked into the living room together.

-----

Rachel had already been relatively enjoying the party, but it felt like her happiness doubled as soon as Zoe arrived. They hadn’t seen each other in person since the beach, and they had grown so much closer since then that it felt both very exciting and very natural to be hanging out. Every time Rachel felt the urge to text Zoe, she could just exchange glances with her instead. It was amazing. She suddenly felt she understood Aaron’s overwhelming sunshine attitude.

At one point, though, she realized she didn’t know the next time she would see Zoe in person, and in person felt like the right time for a much-delayed conversation.

She cornered Aaron in the kitchen and asked if he would mind her talking to Zoe in his room for a few minutes. He gave her an exaggerated wink-wink-nudge-nudge that she chose to ignore.  

“It’s not like that. I just have to tell her something.”

“Okay dude, whatever you say,” Aaron said, winking at her again. Rachel sighed.

Once she and Zoe were alone in Aaron’s room, Zoe looking confused but not unhappy, Rachel sat down at the edge of Aaron’s bed.

“Zoe, I-- do you remember when I told you I had some stuff in my past that I wasn’t ready to talk about?”

“Mhm…”

“I think I’m ready to talk about it now,” Rachel said slowly.

“Okay,” said Zoe, sitting down next to her.

“I just want to preface this by saying it’s much worse than whatever you think it is.”

“Okay,” Zoe said again.

“And you might not believe me.”

“Rachel. I trust you. Whatever you tell me, I believe you.”

“Ok.... I don’t know how to start.”

“Take your time.”

Rachel took a deep breath. “First of all you should know that when I was in college, my best friend’s name was Hamlet and I also lived with her and I was also in… I also had feelings for her. Um. Very strong feelings.” Somehow that was less painful than saying she was in love with her.

Zoe just nodded supportively. She was so good. Why was she so good?

“So, almost two years ago, my friend Marci and I saw the ghost of Hamlet’s dad in a parking garage. And it turns out his business partner murdered him and then married his wife after he was dead.”

“Gods, that’s awful. I’m sorry.”

Rachel sighed. She hadn’t gotten to half of the awful parts yet. “Yeah. So I told Hamlet about the ghost, and she went back to talk to it, and then she started acting really strangely and broke up with her boyfriend and a bunch of other things happened and-- this is really hard to explain.”

“You’re doing fine,” Zoe said. “You don’t have to keep talking if you don’t want to.”

“I want to,” Rachel said, and Zoe nodded again. “So Marci and I tried to help Hamlet but long complicated story short, her asshole stepdad tried to kill her and then she killed him and also died and also Marci died, and also Hamlet’s ex-boyfriend Alex died, and so did Hamlet’s mom and two of our other friends. And also Alex’s sister Laura is in jail now because of shooting Hamlet, but she was kind of being manipulated by Claude. That’s the asshole stepdad. Oh and Laura looks exactly like Blair and that’s why I freaked out the first time we met.” Rachel exhaled. She was fairly certain that none of that made any sense.

Zoe just stared at her.

“I told you it’s worse than you thought,” Rachel said.

“It… is definitely worse than I thought,” Zoe said. She reached out and took Rachel’s hand. “Are you ok?”

“Kind of,” Rachel said. “Usually. I mean, I was really bad for a long time but now I’m doing better. Mostly thanks to you and Aaron.” She paused. “And my therapist.”

Zoe smiled and squeezed her hand. “That’s good.”

“There’s something else though,” Rachel said, pulling her hand away. This was the part she really wished she could leave out, but she felt she owed Zoe the whole truth. Zoe just looked at her patiently. “I wasn’t exactly a passive bystander in the whole thing. Or, I guess I kind of was, and that was the problem? I was right there the whole time and I didn’t save any of them. If I had just--”

“Hey,” Zoe said, interrupting her for the first time. “You can’t blame this on yourself. You didn’t do any of that.”

“I didn’t stop it, though,” Rachel said.

“Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do,” Zoe said. “Sometimes things are just out of your hands. You can’t sit here torturing yourself about what you could have done differently.”

“That’s what my therapist says too.” Rachel looked down at her lap.

“Rachel…” Zoe offered her hand again, and Rachel took it. “Thank you for telling me all that. I know it must be really difficult for you to relive and it means a lot to me that you told me.”

“Oh, um, no problem,” Rachel said. “I figured it was time you knew.” Inside, she was reeling. Zoe knew everything and wasn’t backing off. She was still there, holding Rachel’s hand and smiling at her.

They sat there for a few moments in silence before Rachel figured she should say something. “So, uh, that’s why I’m so messed up about dating. Considering the last person I had feelings for before you was… murdered.” She realized halfway through the sentence what she had just said.

Zoe blinked. “Yeah,” she said slowly, then, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” said Rachel, fully expecting Zoe to call her out on admitting she had feelings for her. Because she did, she realized. Of course she did.

“Did you say someone you knew looks like Blair?”

“Oh!” Rachel blinked. “Yeah. Laura. She’s… yeah, they’re basically doppelgangers.”

“So weird.”

“That reminds me, you know Sherlock?” Rachel had honestly almost forgotten her weird triggering episode with the mysterious detective.

“Yeah…” Zoe said cautiously. It was no surprise-- Rachel had asked her not to bring up Sherlock.

“She and Hamlet look exactly the same.”

“Geez. I had no idea that was so common,” Zoe said. “No wonder you don’t want to talk about them.”

“Is it them? Aaron always said ex-girlfriend so--”

“You know, I’m not entirely sure.”

There was another silence. Rachel realized they were still holding hands.

There was a knock. Rachel jumped up, letting go of Zoe’s hand. Aaron poked his head through the door. “It’s almost midnight! Come be in the countdown!” He looked at Rachel and raised an eyebrow. She rolled her eyes at him, then followed him to the living room.

-----

“Three! Two! One! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!”

Zoe had never kissed anyone at midnight. Aaron and Chad were kissing. She looked over at Alex, who grinned and gave her two thumbs up. “Happy New Year!!” they said again.

“Happy New Year, Alex,” she said back. She looked over at Rachel, who was looking at Aaron and Chad. She never would have predicted everything Rachel had gone through, but then again, her own life should have taught her that life was hard to predict.

She didn’t blame Rachel for not having told her sooner. It was a lot to take in, and she knew it took a lot for Rachel to share it. But at the same time, she couldn’t help wishing she had known earlier so Rachel wouldn’t have had to harbor all that fear and guilt. She could tell Rachel was nervous to tell her, and it made her sad to think about it. Nothing Rachel said came anywhere close to tarnishing Zoe’s opinion of her-- if anything, it made Zoe admire her more. To have gone through all that and come out the other side.

Rachel noticed her staring. She had conveniently placed herself across the room (so as not to make things awkward at midnight, Zoe assumed. But then, she could have sworn Rachel said she had feelings for her...).

Rachel walked over to her and gave her a hug. “Thanks again for everything,” she said. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Zoe said, the phrase no longer embarrassing. “Happy 2019.”

“Happy 2019.”

Zoe heard clinking and pulled away from the hug.

“Everyone!” Chad said, tapping a noisemaker against a champagne glass. “I have an announcement!” They all quieted down. “I’ve decided to move to Orlando!” he said, smiling at Aaron. “Surprise, babe. I found an apartment, I just have to get my car and all my stuff.”

Everyone cheered. Zoe wouldn’t have been surprised if Aaron fainted right then and there, but he just grabbed Chad and kissed him again. She looked away, feeling weird watching.

“Thank god,” Rachel whispered. Zoe had forgotten how close she was standing. Aaron’s other friends were busy congratulating him and Chad; she didn’t think anyone else could hear. “I never have to hear him whine about distance again.”

“The last person I had feelings for before you...” Rachel’s words were still ringing in Zoe’s head. She decided to take a risk.

“Well that’s good,” she said, “but now you’ll have to listen to me whine about distance instead.”

“I guess you’ll just have to get Alex to bring you back more often,” Rachel said. They were still talking too quietly for anyone to hear. “Bring Blair, get some froyo…”

“I’ve had enough froyo,” said Zoe. “Blair needs to wake up and realize that ice cream is way better.” Rachel laughed. “But froyo cashiers are cuter,” Zoe added.

“They’re tired of froyo too,” Rachel said. “Every froyo cashier spends all day secretly wishing for ice cream.”

“I still have feelings for you,” Zoe blurted. Rachel blinked. “I did on the beach, and I do now. Much more now, even though I’ve tried not to, because I know it’s long distance and I know you said you’re not ready for a relationship and I 100% understand that. We don’t have to do anything about it, I value your friendship way too much to mess with it, but I just felt like it was dishonest to not tell you. And I wasn’t going to, but then you said… what you said in Aaron’s room, and I guess I got hopeful.” She took a deep breath. Rachel was just staring at her.

“Are you sure?” She didn’t know what she was expecting from Rachel after that declaration, but that wasn’t it. She nodded. “Can we go outside?” Rachel asked, glancing around at the other people in the room. Zoe nodded again. Everyone was still too excited about Chad’s announcement to really pay much attention. They slipped outside quietly and shut the door. There wasn’t much room on Aaron’s doorstep. Zoe held her breath.

“Can I kiss you?” Rachel asked.

-----

Alex watched as Zoe and Rachel snuck out of the apartment. They weren’t always the best at reading humans, but something told them the two girls wouldn’t be back inside for a while.

[stillachildatheart]

My Story

Fair warning ahead, this is going to a be a long post. I have no other avenue to vent my hurt and frustration. And as humiliating it is to talk about this, I strongly believe that it needs to be said because I would not wish what is happening to me to happen to any other girl out there. 

My story begins from the time I was a 14 year old girl. My mom and her siblings are quite close-knit. We hang out with each other regularly and always meet up for the holidays. And her elder brother was a favourite uncle because he was cool and always knew how to make us children feel included. My story began when I got my first phone. Those were the days when we youngsters had to rely on a credit-based plan as part of our parents’ idea of teaching us responsibility. Credit for the phone line would come from our own pocket money so we had to learn to balance our expenditures. 

I forgot how my uncle ended up getting my number. He did somehow and he started texting me. He runs his own food business so sometimes he stays up until 2 or 3 in the morning selling food in the local street market. Initially, he texted me saying that he was bored and he wanted a friend to talk to. He was my favourite uncle and I liked that he considered me matured enough to be his friend. I began texting him and conversing with him too. 

The constant texts took a toll on my credit balance and he further hooked me into constantly texting him by topping up my balance with 20 to 30 bucks every week. For someone who learned to survive with 10 bucks for 2 weeks, it was a huge amount and I felt further obligated to keep him company when he used the excuse of being bored. My parents brought me up saying we should never accept something without giving something back in return, so I swallowed my discomfort at the growing attention he was paying me and carried on. The initial conversations were pretty standard, nothing out of the ordinary. He’d ask me about my day, how was school.. how are my parents. Stuff like that. 

Then he slowly started getting personal. He’d ask me about my friends.. if I had any crushes. If I had any boyfriends. What would I do if I had a boyfriend. Have I ever been kissed. In my mind, it didn’t strike me at the time that his conversation topics were growing out of bounds, because he was my uncle. I trusted him. But eventually, even I began feeling uncomfortable at his probing questions and I started pulling away. He began guilting me into responding by pointing out that he was paying for my phone bill. 

One night, he went too far. He began texting as usual when out of nowhere, he started testing the waters saying that he had a question he wanted to ask me but he was worried I was not cool or open-minded enough to take it. After much leg pulling, he asked. “How big are your nipples?”

I cut all conversation with him and told him I didn’t want to text him anymore if he was going to keep talking like that. I thought it would end there. To my utter astonishment, a few days later, his wife called my number thinking that I was some bimbo preying on her husband. Even when she found out it was me, instead of admitting that her husband was a pedophile who was harassing his own niece, she made a huge fuss and blamed a 14 year old girl for trying to seduce her husband. She called up my mom and blew up about me. 

The biggest mistake I made in my life was deleting his texts. I was young and naive. I had never faced a situation like this before. And I was embarrassed by my uncle. So I erased his texts. This meant that I had no proof to support my claim. And until now, it hurts me so so bad that my mom never stood up for me. It hurts so much that instead of calling him out for what he is, the blame came squarely upon me that I had instigated him by texting him in the first place. I spent the next 2 years of my life avoiding him and refusing to be anywhere near him. 

When I was 16, he invited the whole family to get together for a beach vacation for New Year’s Eve. And since it was his invite, my mom warned me saying that it was impolite to be avoiding him after so long and she forced me to let things go. So I did. I tried my best to be polite and not cause him to look at me in that way again. The whole time we were there, I’d make myself sit in the table away from him. But after lunch, he came up to the table where my cousins and me were and sat himself down with a beer in his hand. He’d had a few by then so I don’t know if he was tipsy at the time. He sat next to me and began running his foot up my leg. Even when I pulled away, he’d start back again after a few minutes. I begged my brother to leave and he followed me out. 

The Eve dinner party was supposed to be by the beach with the promise of fresh grilled seafood and free flow booze. I was already traumatised by the afternoon incident so I made myself sit far away from him at the dinner table. But he did it again. And this time, my brother saw it. I got up on the pretense of getting myself a drink and when I came back, my brother had switched seats with me. But did that stop him? No. He ended up slouching as low as he could on his seat just so he could stretch his leg out to rub mine. I was close to tears by that point so I took my cousin sister and went out to the beach instead. 

He came with his children awhile later and made my cousin sister run after them. He came up behind me and hugged my waist. I pushed him away and ran back to my parents table. But yet I didn’t say a word because the last time I tried defending myself in my house, nobody stood up for me. Every one blamed me. So I kept my silence. 

The day after we came back from the beach, my brother broke it to my parents. And when I finally told them what happened, they still never fought for me. My mom actually said that if I never put myself out there to him when I was 14, none of this would have happened. At one point, she even defended him saying that he was drunk at the time and was not in control of his actions. I love my mom to bits, but this is one hurt I still carry so deep, it cuts like a knife every time I think about it. 

I resorted back to my old tactic of avoiding him at all costs. Even if I ended up meeting him in family functions, I wouldn’t talk to him. If he asked me a question, I’d give him a one-worded answer by looking at the floor or anywhere else but his face. And the harassment stopped for a while. Until a year back when he suffered a heart attack. Again, my mom told me I was being impolite, especially to someone who’s ill. 

So once again, I swallowed my terror and disgust towards him and talked somewhat normally. I didn’t go out of my way to make conversation but I wasn’t so rude to him either. I thought things were fine. Until the recent Diwali festivities this year. I noticed that he has now started eyeing me again. I’m a woman now. I know I’m not imagining it. I know how a male looks at a female like when he has “thoughts” in his head and that was the kind of look he has been giving me over the weekend. He began hinting that my college was only one hour away from his house so I should come over and stay if I was free. He started walking past me a little too close for my comfort. 

I came back to campus last night and exploded into terrified tears because I know he’s building up again. I can feel it. I don’t have the words to explain how terrified I am of him because time and time again, he has proven that whatever he does to me, he can get away with. I am stuck with no one else in my house to talk to or even believe my story to begin with. I have been branded for life as the one who is at fault. And I am now crying as I am typing this because I still feel so helpless. 

Please. To whoever who is reading this, just please. If you have a friend, a sister or a cousin who is telling you about a man harassing her, do NOT tell her she is at fault. Please help her out. Please stand up for her and show her that she is protected. Please don’t let her feel as vulnerable as I am feeling because no girl deserves to feel this way. Please.

[lesbian-ed]

(Please make this anonymous and maybe it’d be good to put this under a read more, because it’s quite long? I’m sorry about that. Thank you so much in advance.)

Hello, awesome mods. I’m sorry, but I just want to vent. I hope that’s okay? I’m a lesbian in my 20s. I’ve been aware that I’m same sex attracted since I was 12 (thought I was just bi at the time), and when I think back to my childhood, there were MANY thoughts and feelings  and situations that now make me think OMG THERE WERE SO MANY SIGNS. But anyway. My 1st gf was the 1st girl I developed major feelings for. She was my best friend in middle school.

After so much confusion and inner turmoil, I confessed to her and came out to her. I just wanted to let her know how I felt, I didn’t want to pressure her into a relationship if she was straight. I expected the friendship to fall apart, but I just couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I really wanted to let her know I loved her.

We sorta kinda dated and became intimate, although it was nothing official? At least, not to her. To me, it was so real and important to me, but I always felt like it wasn’t that important to her.

She would still openly flirt with guys in front of me, she would still develop crushes on guys, etc. It was definitely confusing. I kept falling in love again and again, all she would have to do was kiss me, and I would be convinced everything was fine. We even had sex.

But she even said to be it was all an experiment for her, that she didn’t feel as strongly as I did even though she still loved me as a friend, and would make me feel horrible, saying she wishes she could be in a relationship where she can hold hands and not feel like everyone was staring. I didn’t feel fear or shame, but it was apparent she did. People at school would come up and ask if we were dating, and before I could say yes, she vehemently said no. It was heartbreaking.

She also became colder and colder, excluding me from friend gatherings and gossiping behind my back. This relationship couldn’t last.

When I finally got tired of just being an experiment and not feeling like the love was mutual, I broke up with her. And suddenly, all the coldness and indifference she felt towards me changed. She was livid. She turned all our friends against me.

In just the 2nd year of high school, I had lost all my friends and support. I was already a big outcast at school, so the very few people who did like me all collectively decided to ignore me.

The same friends who all said “Wow! Your’re bisexual? That’s so cool! All the scene kids are bisexual, so you’re automatically awesome!” suddenly changed their tune to “Uh, my mom doesn’t want me hanging out with you anymore. She’s afraid I’ll become a gay, too.” Or some homophobic bullshit like that. I was a pariah at my school. It is still difficult to talk about it. To me, losing all my friends like that at such a tender age fucked me up badly. I ended up becoming a recluse.

During my time as a recluse, I met this woman online. I was around 16 or 17, she was in her mid-twenties. I was beginning to feel more and more that I was a lesbian. This woman confided in me, we talked a lot, became close. She would tell me all her deepest, darkest secrets. Of her claiming to be a closeted lesbian in a small town like me, of the sexual abuse she had to endure, of her cousin dying in a car crash, of all her adventures in Germany, how worldly she was.

One night, she drunkenly called me on skype. My heart fluttered. She said I was her number 1. That same night, still drunk, she confessed her feelings for me, and I reciprocated. It is embarrassing to admit, but this woman became my world. She was a goddess in my eyes. I never felt so immobilized by love. And she took advantage of that, again and again. She only showed affection when she was drunk. She constantly invalidated my feelings. She belittled my fears and anxieties. Made fun of them, too. Something I’d never even imagine doing to her, with her troubles.

She would lose her temper with me all the time. I hate to say this, but I really think it’s true: She emotionally abused me. She would only talk about herself. She would go for days ignoring me. When I tried to make new friends my age, she would become jealous and accuse me of cheating. All the while, she would go out to bars and party and even go vacationing with her ex boyfriend. I was supposed to be mature and okay with that. Expressing my own jealousy was bad.

She would want to roleplay sex online, but when I saved every paycheck just to go meet her, she told me she felt nauseous just holding my hand or hugging me. Idk if I should have felt it, but I felt so horrible. I didn’t blame her, but I blamed myself big time. All I wanted was her happiness. There’s way too much to unpack; all in all, it was a toxic, unbalanced, unhealthy relationship. Terrible.

Whenever I would try to break away or cut off the relationship, she would do a complete 180 and act all romantic, mail me gifts I never asked for, etc. But then just after one week of being all lovey dovey with me, she’d go back to being callous with me. Never apologized to me. But I always felt like I had done something wrong. Idk.

I would always want to hear about her worries and problems, but when I wanted to talk about something troubling me, she’d insult me or not take me seriously. She often told me to turn off my emotions. “Just turn it off.” Her voice still haunts me sometimes.

When I finally, finally felt strong enough to truly break free from her and never reply and delete all contact info, it was incredibly liberating. And I felt like I could finally be myself after 4+ years. I’ve also had to do a lot of rediscovering who I am, because for all those years I felt I had to walk on eggshells and creative this perfect persona that would appease her.

She ended up marrying some guy. Here I am, now. 4 years have passed since then. I just. It’s hard. I live in a rural conservative town.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find a girlfriend who loves me and is good for me? I don’t know.

Not too long ago, I got stuck in some bad mental state where I felt so lonely and broken, I just really wanted to increase my probability of getting to be with someone. So, I tried very, very hard to be straight. I tried to get myself to like men. I tried to reconcile with the thought that I may not have a choice. But I am so thankful to say that I pulled myself out of that scary mindset.

Still. I’m scared I’ll always be alone. I don’t have any doubt in my mind that I’m a lesbian, and even feel pride, but I can’t see myself being happy? At least I won’t be trying to lie to myself or others, or hurting myself, but it still feels lonely.

I don’t ask for any miracle or advice, but I just wanted to share my story with someone? I’m sorry. I really love this blog. Thank you for taking the time to read all this.        

Please don’t apologize. You have all the right in the world to vent about this. And we’re there with you, I promise, we feel your pain.

You’re so so so brave and admirable, I can’t even imagine having the courage that you needed to have to get out of those relationships. I can’t even imagine being this strong.

I know those thoughts will be there, but I can promise you, none of what happened is you fault, none of it. Those women were despicable people who used you, the friends who abandoned you were pieces of shit too, none of it was your fault in any way. 

I’m so proud and happy for you that you were able to get out of those relationships. So so so fucking proud, and that you were able to remain true to yourself and still recognize that you’re a lesbian despite the shit you’ve gone through. Believe me, you should feel that pride.

Have you ever seen a therapist about this? It’s tricky, but if you can afford it (and are lucky to meet with the right one) it might be huge help on how to deal with all of this. If not, there are internet resources and articles written by therapists on how to deal with this. Some of it might help you deal.

I understand the loneliness and being scared that you’ll never find actual love, I’ve been there, I am there in some ways still, but it doesn’t have to be forever. Just think of it this way, statistically there has to be someone out there who is just the right person for you. Statistically, not every woman you will ever meet will be a demon, there are bad people out there but you’ve known them already, you know how to spot them and know to avoid them now. I understand if it scares you, but just try to get out there and meet other lesbians, even through the internet, many of us have our own horror stories, I promise you’ll find many women who’ll understand you. 

You’re the most amazing and strongest woman. Sending you all my love and hugs, I promise you, you can do this, for lesbians many times it’s about finding and creating our own happiness in a world that’s hostile to us. And that is hard, but we’ve always done it, and we’ll always will. 

Mod M :D

[samanthasroberts]

27 Of My Most Cringeworthy Moments From My Early Twenties I Will Recount Here For Your Entertainment

If you are my mother or my father or are in any way affiliated with them, please stop reading right here. Unless you’re Aunt Julie. Because you can hang, Jules.

1. I once locked myself into a bathroom with several cases of beer, because the cops showed up to a college party. I declared it my throne and proceeded to continue to drink cans of Coors Light for over an hour BY MYSELF until I decided it was safe to emerge.

2. After my 21st birthday party, I fell asleep on my staircase with my tights midway down my legs cradling my then baby dog and assuring her over and over, “You’re so beautiful.” I woke up to her chewing on my hair.

3. I played Peter Pan in college and had some sort of weird virus that resulted in 85% of my body being covered in hives. I was released from the ER after my school’s health center sent me there post thinking I was going into anaphylactic shock, but I had to do press and several photo shoots for the show. So now, there are photos of me (that yes, you can find) dressed as Peter Pan, flying around, while on several milligrams of Valium. Gives a whole new meaning to “flying high.” (sorry I had to.)

4. Once I got drunk in a field solely so I could hang out with a goat named Penelope. Here’s a picture:

5. My boyfriend for the latter half of my early twenties was around a year younger than me. So he couldn’t drink with me (in public anyway) at my 22nd and instead had to take care of me, bless his heart. On my 21st birthday a friend had challenged me to take a shot of SUPER cheap whiskey and I’d managed to do it. On my 22nd I tried to complete that same challenge and ended up puking into a cloth napkin, and sneakily throwing it away in the trash. My boyfriend promptly took me home after.

6. Another throw up story (let’s just stick with the theme) involved a pint glass. A party was being thrown at my ex’s house and naturally, I didn’t want to attend. One of my best guyfriend’s offered to accompany me to a bar near said ex’s place called “The Town And Country Lounge” which is a bar in a refurbished double wide. We sat there for approximately two to three hours, drinking cheap beer and shooting whiskey. The last shot of Jameson I did didn’t sit well, and I ended up methodically vomitting into the pint glass next to me, filling it straight to the brim. Surprisingly though, I didn’t spill.

7. At 25 I got so heated with a cab driver after a long night that he ended up calling the police on me. From my own phone. Saving that whole story for my eventual Lifetime movie. But it happened.

8. I went to a One Direction concert and a stranger who was drunk and talking animatedly with his hands clocked me straight in the face. I told him it was okay, I missed Zayn too. Again here’s a photo from said evening:

9. At 25 I sent presents to some dude who wrote for the same website as me, because I thought it meant we’d be friends. Now I’m pretty sure he just wanted to have phone sex (never did) because he was lonely as he stopped talking to me the SECOND there was a possibility of us hanging out IRL. Learn from my mistakes kids: don’t send flat-brims to people just because they’re sad. Save that money.

10. I left my number on more coasters and napkins for cute bartenders than I can even remember. It’s not really a cute move though, and I fully shake my head at myself now.

11. I sort of notoriously trolled a guy on Tinder and wrote about it. It made a lot of people really mad. I still stand by my original intent of writing the piece, which was/is that it’s kind of fucked up that we laugh when people threaten us or harass us or even just get rude, but I didn’t execute this well at all. Like honestly, I am linking to it and saying, “I think this ispoorlywritten and I am the one who wrote it.” BUT – I don’t believe in deleting work even when I don’t really relate to it anymore or even when it doesn’t garner the reaction I was hoping for. Instead I just shake my head when I get random messages about this piece (yes, even over a year later) and use it as a reminder to always do better.

12.After my first big breakup I decided to get out of a dodge for a bit and flew home to be with my parents and my childhood best friends. Only problem, I was flying out of my college town on my ex’s birthday. And apparently, his parents were also flying out on the same flight to go on vacation. I was in first class (not bougie – just the only ticket that was available) and they had to awkwardly stand beside me waiting to get to their seats. One of my absolute least favorite memories.

13. I impulsively got a tattoo with a sort of boyfriend one day on my ribs. I didn’t really WANT a rib tattoo but this dude told me it was “so sexy” so I caved. I also made the mistake of not going to a reputable artist, and frankly the tattoo looks like shit now. Eventually I’ll get it covered up but for now, the scratchy quote stays. Here’s another a picture so you can see visual representation of my mistakes!! Yay!

"curiosity often leads to trouble."

A photo posted by Kendra Syrdal (@kendrasyrdal) on Apr 6, 2013 at 4:58pm PDT

14. Once I went out on a date with a guy who actually, seriously quoted that fucking AWFUL book about picking up women called and I didn’t leave. Not only did I not leave, but I let him stay the night at my apartment (didn’t hook up with him because I maintained SOME level of self-respect) AND let him shower in the morning. He used my brand new, pretty spendy Sephora bubble bath as body wash, and opened brand new shampoo. He wanted to have a “discussion” after I told him I wasn’t interested in seeing him again. Yeah…I pick winners.

15.For my 20th birthday party I threw a joint birthday party with my friend Nicki that was “P” themed. This meant everyone who came to the party had to come dressed as something that started with the letter P. (Best costume was this dude Kyle who came as the preamble. It was gold.) The only other rule was that no one could come as a princess because that’s what Nicki and I were being. I dressed like this:

16.I was so in love with a boy that I bought him Decemberists tickets for literally no reason. Actually, come to think of it, a lot of the moments where I look at my younger self and go, “What the actual fuck were you thinking?!” have to do with spending money on boys who didn’t appreciate me. My therapist told me that I show affection through material goods because I have difficulty expressing emotions. Whatever, I’m working on it.

17.I have written so many prose pieces about guys who I knew were pulling away from me in a sad, pathetic attempt to try and make them see that I was worth their time and attention. Spoiler alert: If a guy doesn’t even read your stuff to begin with, this will literally never work.

18. At 23 I went to Las Vegas for my best friend’s 21st birthday and the two of us go so lit up before going to the wax museum that we found a karaoke machine (it’s next to the was figure of Simon Cowell) and started serenading the entire museum with renditions of Celine Dion hits like “Taking Chances” and “The Power of Love.” We attempted to shake his hand after. We cleared the room of 70+ people. What I’m saying is, it was embarrassing.

19. I was really bad about remembering to renew my tags for my car in college and was pulled over for said offense one summer, and still didn’t renew my tags. 7 months (yes I know, I was/am the worst) later I was pulled over AGAIN for the same thing. Apparently there was a warrant out for my arrest and the officer decided midnight was the appropriate time to lecture me about this. Catch? I had just finished a performance ofwhich, if you’re not familiar, is set in Japan. So I was in FULL kabuki makeup while this policeman decided to lecture me about my fuck up. I was sobbing, Ben Nye makeup was smearing everywhere, he felt pretty bad. It was overall just a mess. But I didn’t go to jail. Thanks, Missoula Cop who didn’t take me in while I was still rocking the geisha makeup. I really appreciate it.

20.Iwas feeling vulnerable and sad one Halloween and decided the cure to this was hooking up with my friend’s much younger, VERY hot, trying to be a stripper friend. It was fine, it was whatever. But we hooked up on the floor of an apartment which was basically concrete. I ended up slipping a disc, bruising my tailbone, and having to spend the next 3 months getting chiropractic work to make my back okay again.He was hot, but not hot enough to justify that amount of back pain. #srynotsry

21.I got violently ill once from antibiotics and promptly shit in my leggings after trusting the fart. There is more to the story but again, saving it for my future bestseller.

22. I thought this was a good look. And also did this in public.

23.In college I played Columbia in the live musical version of where, for the midnight shows only, we were topless. I debated about it, but it was a paid gig and I felt fine about it so I decided sure, why not. My boyfriend at the time was NOT okay with it. I later found out he adamantly REFUSED to let his friends come to the show, even going so far as to pay them back for the tickets they had already purchased. I didn’t find this out for years and it still makes me super embarrassed for his behavior.

24.A guy broke up with me when I was 25 because I didn’t make enough eye contact. That was his honest to god reason. (Still bitter.)

25.I went on a mini vacation with some friends to Austin, Texas for my 26th birthday and decided to really just GO for it when I was there. This meant doing one of the ultimate “why not” moments: the Tinder one night stand. Only problem? We didn’t know our way around Texas and I didn’t bring any condoms. So my solution was to have Postmates deliver them. I didn’t even try to play it off and ordered like, chips and gum to make it better. I straight up just ordered a box of 16 Trojan’s to the AirBnb. The delivery man was loling, my “date” was loling, my friends were loling. It was lols all around. 10/10 recommend.

26. A friend of mine came to Seattle for an audition and I took her out one night to blow off some steam/show her the city. We ended up drinking all night with a professional indoor soccer team from Vegas, and I definitely got naked in a photobooth with a bunch of them. Somehow though, I still didn’t get laid. Only I could be one of two girls surrounded by a bunch of guys who were hot, professional athletes, show them all of my tattoos that required me taking my clothes off, and end up going home to eat queso in bed.

27.I lived. I made memories. Or I had those memories told back to me because I didn’t really…well… them. And even though sometimes that makes me all “god dammit smdh” I honestly think it’s pretty dope that I have all of these stories – cringeworthy or what have you.

Plus I once peed on my neighbor’s lawn furniture because she was threatening to call the cops on my Harry Potter themed party. And you can’t pay money for those kinds of stories.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/30/27-of-my-most-cringeworthy-moments-from-my-early-twenties-i-will-recount-here-for-your-entertainment/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/08/30/27-of-my-most-cringeworthy-moments-from-my-early-twenties-i-will-recount-here-for-your-entertainment/

[adambstingus]

27 Of My Most Cringeworthy Moments From My Early Twenties I Will Recount Here For Your Entertainment

If you are my mother or my father or are in any way affiliated with them, please stop reading right here. Unless you’re Aunt Julie. Because you can hang, Jules.

1. I once locked myself into a bathroom with several cases of beer, because the cops showed up to a college party. I declared it my throne and proceeded to continue to drink cans of Coors Light for over an hour BY MYSELF until I decided it was safe to emerge.

2. After my 21st birthday party, I fell asleep on my staircase with my tights midway down my legs cradling my then baby dog and assuring her over and over, “You’re so beautiful.” I woke up to her chewing on my hair.

3. I played Peter Pan in college and had some sort of weird virus that resulted in 85% of my body being covered in hives. I was released from the ER after my school’s health center sent me there post thinking I was going into anaphylactic shock, but I had to do press and several photo shoots for the show. So now, there are photos of me (that yes, you can find) dressed as Peter Pan, flying around, while on several milligrams of Valium. Gives a whole new meaning to “flying high.” (sorry I had to.)

4. Once I got drunk in a field solely so I could hang out with a goat named Penelope. Here’s a picture:

5. My boyfriend for the latter half of my early twenties was around a year younger than me. So he couldn’t drink with me (in public anyway) at my 22nd and instead had to take care of me, bless his heart. On my 21st birthday a friend had challenged me to take a shot of SUPER cheap whiskey and I’d managed to do it. On my 22nd I tried to complete that same challenge and ended up puking into a cloth napkin, and sneakily throwing it away in the trash. My boyfriend promptly took me home after.

6. Another throw up story (let’s just stick with the theme) involved a pint glass. A party was being thrown at my ex’s house and naturally, I didn’t want to attend. One of my best guyfriend’s offered to accompany me to a bar near said ex’s place called “The Town And Country Lounge” which is a bar in a refurbished double wide. We sat there for approximately two to three hours, drinking cheap beer and shooting whiskey. The last shot of Jameson I did didn’t sit well, and I ended up methodically vomitting into the pint glass next to me, filling it straight to the brim. Surprisingly though, I didn’t spill.

7. At 25 I got so heated with a cab driver after a long night that he ended up calling the police on me. From my own phone. Saving that whole story for my eventual Lifetime movie. But it happened.

8. I went to a One Direction concert and a stranger who was drunk and talking animatedly with his hands clocked me straight in the face. I told him it was okay, I missed Zayn too. Again here’s a photo from said evening:

9. At 25 I sent presents to some dude who wrote for the same website as me, because I thought it meant we’d be friends. Now I’m pretty sure he just wanted to have phone sex (never did) because he was lonely as he stopped talking to me the SECOND there was a possibility of us hanging out IRL. Learn from my mistakes kids: don’t send flat-brims to people just because they’re sad. Save that money.

10. I left my number on more coasters and napkins for cute bartenders than I can even remember. It’s not really a cute move though, and I fully shake my head at myself now.

11. I sort of notoriously trolled a guy on Tinder and wrote about it. It made a lot of people really mad. I still stand by my original intent of writing the piece, which was/is that it’s kind of fucked up that we laugh when people threaten us or harass us or even just get rude, but I didn’t execute this well at all. Like honestly, I am linking to it and saying, “I think this ispoorlywritten and I am the one who wrote it.” BUT – I don’t believe in deleting work even when I don’t really relate to it anymore or even when it doesn’t garner the reaction I was hoping for. Instead I just shake my head when I get random messages about this piece (yes, even over a year later) and use it as a reminder to always do better.

12.After my first big breakup I decided to get out of a dodge for a bit and flew home to be with my parents and my childhood best friends. Only problem, I was flying out of my college town on my ex’s birthday. And apparently, his parents were also flying out on the same flight to go on vacation. I was in first class (not bougie – just the only ticket that was available) and they had to awkwardly stand beside me waiting to get to their seats. One of my absolute least favorite memories.

13. I impulsively got a tattoo with a sort of boyfriend one day on my ribs. I didn’t really WANT a rib tattoo but this dude told me it was “so sexy” so I caved. I also made the mistake of not going to a reputable artist, and frankly the tattoo looks like shit now. Eventually I’ll get it covered up but for now, the scratchy quote stays. Here’s another a picture so you can see visual representation of my mistakes!! Yay!

“curiosity often leads to trouble.”

A photo posted by Kendra Syrdal (@kendrasyrdal) on Apr 6, 2013 at 4:58pm PDT

14. Once I went out on a date with a guy who actually, seriously quoted that fucking AWFUL book about picking up women called and I didn’t leave. Not only did I not leave, but I let him stay the night at my apartment (didn’t hook up with him because I maintained SOME level of self-respect) AND let him shower in the morning. He used my brand new, pretty spendy Sephora bubble bath as body wash, and opened brand new shampoo. He wanted to have a “discussion” after I told him I wasn’t interested in seeing him again. Yeah…I pick winners.

15.For my 20th birthday party I threw a joint birthday party with my friend Nicki that was “P” themed. This meant everyone who came to the party had to come dressed as something that started with the letter P. (Best costume was this dude Kyle who came as the preamble. It was gold.) The only other rule was that no one could come as a princess because that’s what Nicki and I were being. I dressed like this:

16.I was so in love with a boy that I bought him Decemberists tickets for literally no reason. Actually, come to think of it, a lot of the moments where I look at my younger self and go, “What the actual fuck were you thinking?!” have to do with spending money on boys who didn’t appreciate me. My therapist told me that I show affection through material goods because I have difficulty expressing emotions. Whatever, I’m working on it.

17.I have written so many prose pieces about guys who I knew were pulling away from me in a sad, pathetic attempt to try and make them see that I was worth their time and attention. Spoiler alert: If a guy doesn’t even read your stuff to begin with, this will literally never work.

18. At 23 I went to Las Vegas for my best friend’s 21st birthday and the two of us go so lit up before going to the wax museum that we found a karaoke machine (it’s next to the was figure of Simon Cowell) and started serenading the entire museum with renditions of Celine Dion hits like “Taking Chances” and “The Power of Love.” We attempted to shake his hand after. We cleared the room of 70+ people. What I’m saying is, it was embarrassing.

19. I was really bad about remembering to renew my tags for my car in college and was pulled over for said offense one summer, and still didn’t renew my tags. 7 months (yes I know, I was/am the worst) later I was pulled over AGAIN for the same thing. Apparently there was a warrant out for my arrest and the officer decided midnight was the appropriate time to lecture me about this. Catch? I had just finished a performance ofwhich, if you’re not familiar, is set in Japan. So I was in FULL kabuki makeup while this policeman decided to lecture me about my fuck up. I was sobbing, Ben Nye makeup was smearing everywhere, he felt pretty bad. It was overall just a mess. But I didn’t go to jail. Thanks, Missoula Cop who didn’t take me in while I was still rocking the geisha makeup. I really appreciate it.

20.Iwas feeling vulnerable and sad one Halloween and decided the cure to this was hooking up with my friend’s much younger, VERY hot, trying to be a stripper friend. It was fine, it was whatever. But we hooked up on the floor of an apartment which was basically concrete. I ended up slipping a disc, bruising my tailbone, and having to spend the next 3 months getting chiropractic work to make my back okay again.He was hot, but not hot enough to justify that amount of back pain. #srynotsry

21.I got violently ill once from antibiotics and promptly shit in my leggings after trusting the fart. There is more to the story but again, saving it for my future bestseller.

22. I thought this was a good look. And also did this in public.

23.In college I played Columbia in the live musical version of where, for the midnight shows only, we were topless. I debated about it, but it was a paid gig and I felt fine about it so I decided sure, why not. My boyfriend at the time was NOT okay with it. I later found out he adamantly REFUSED to let his friends come to the show, even going so far as to pay them back for the tickets they had already purchased. I didn’t find this out for years and it still makes me super embarrassed for his behavior.

24.A guy broke up with me when I was 25 because I didn’t make enough eye contact. That was his honest to god reason. (Still bitter.)

25.I went on a mini vacation with some friends to Austin, Texas for my 26th birthday and decided to really just GO for it when I was there. This meant doing one of the ultimate “why not” moments: the Tinder one night stand. Only problem? We didn’t know our way around Texas and I didn’t bring any condoms. So my solution was to have Postmates deliver them. I didn’t even try to play it off and ordered like, chips and gum to make it better. I straight up just ordered a box of 16 Trojan’s to the AirBnb. The delivery man was loling, my “date” was loling, my friends were loling. It was lols all around. 10/10 recommend.

26. A friend of mine came to Seattle for an audition and I took her out one night to blow off some steam/show her the city. We ended up drinking all night with a professional indoor soccer team from Vegas, and I definitely got naked in a photobooth with a bunch of them. Somehow though, I still didn’t get laid. Only I could be one of two girls surrounded by a bunch of guys who were hot, professional athletes, show them all of my tattoos that required me taking my clothes off, and end up going home to eat queso in bed.

27.I lived. I made memories. Or I had those memories told back to me because I didn’t really…well… them. And even though sometimes that makes me all “god dammit smdh” I honestly think it’s pretty dope that I have all of these stories – cringeworthy or what have you.

Plus I once peed on my neighbor’s lawn furniture because she was threatening to call the cops on my Harry Potter themed party. And you can’t pay money for those kinds of stories.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/30/27-of-my-most-cringeworthy-moments-from-my-early-twenties-i-will-recount-here-for-your-entertainment/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/164769835047

[allofbeercom]

27 Of My Most Cringeworthy Moments From My Early Twenties I Will Recount Here For Your Entertainment

If you are my mother or my father or are in any way affiliated with them, please stop reading right here. Unless you’re Aunt Julie. Because you can hang, Jules.

1. I once locked myself into a bathroom with several cases of beer, because the cops showed up to a college party. I declared it my throne and proceeded to continue to drink cans of Coors Light for over an hour BY MYSELF until I decided it was safe to emerge.

2. After my 21st birthday party, I fell asleep on my staircase with my tights midway down my legs cradling my then baby dog and assuring her over and over, “You’re so beautiful.” I woke up to her chewing on my hair.

3. I played Peter Pan in college and had some sort of weird virus that resulted in 85% of my body being covered in hives. I was released from the ER after my school’s health center sent me there post thinking I was going into anaphylactic shock, but I had to do press and several photo shoots for the show. So now, there are photos of me (that yes, you can find) dressed as Peter Pan, flying around, while on several milligrams of Valium. Gives a whole new meaning to “flying high.” (sorry I had to.)

4. Once I got drunk in a field solely so I could hang out with a goat named Penelope. Here’s a picture:

5. My boyfriend for the latter half of my early twenties was around a year younger than me. So he couldn’t drink with me (in public anyway) at my 22nd and instead had to take care of me, bless his heart. On my 21st birthday a friend had challenged me to take a shot of SUPER cheap whiskey and I’d managed to do it. On my 22nd I tried to complete that same challenge and ended up puking into a cloth napkin, and sneakily throwing it away in the trash. My boyfriend promptly took me home after.

6. Another throw up story (let’s just stick with the theme) involved a pint glass. A party was being thrown at my ex’s house and naturally, I didn’t want to attend. One of my best guyfriend’s offered to accompany me to a bar near said ex’s place called “The Town And Country Lounge” which is a bar in a refurbished double wide. We sat there for approximately two to three hours, drinking cheap beer and shooting whiskey. The last shot of Jameson I did didn’t sit well, and I ended up methodically vomitting into the pint glass next to me, filling it straight to the brim. Surprisingly though, I didn’t spill.

7. At 25 I got so heated with a cab driver after a long night that he ended up calling the police on me. From my own phone. Saving that whole story for my eventual Lifetime movie. But it happened.

8. I went to a One Direction concert and a stranger who was drunk and talking animatedly with his hands clocked me straight in the face. I told him it was okay, I missed Zayn too. Again here’s a photo from said evening:

9. At 25 I sent presents to some dude who wrote for the same website as me, because I thought it meant we’d be friends. Now I’m pretty sure he just wanted to have phone sex (never did) because he was lonely as he stopped talking to me the SECOND there was a possibility of us hanging out IRL. Learn from my mistakes kids: don’t send flat-brims to people just because they’re sad. Save that money.

10. I left my number on more coasters and napkins for cute bartenders than I can even remember. It’s not really a cute move though, and I fully shake my head at myself now.

11. I sort of notoriously trolled a guy on Tinder and wrote about it. It made a lot of people really mad. I still stand by my original intent of writing the piece, which was/is that it’s kind of fucked up that we laugh when people threaten us or harass us or even just get rude, but I didn’t execute this well at all. Like honestly, I am linking to it and saying, “I think this ispoorlywritten and I am the one who wrote it.” BUT – I don’t believe in deleting work even when I don’t really relate to it anymore or even when it doesn’t garner the reaction I was hoping for. Instead I just shake my head when I get random messages about this piece (yes, even over a year later) and use it as a reminder to always do better.

12.After my first big breakup I decided to get out of a dodge for a bit and flew home to be with my parents and my childhood best friends. Only problem, I was flying out of my college town on my ex’s birthday. And apparently, his parents were also flying out on the same flight to go on vacation. I was in first class (not bougie – just the only ticket that was available) and they had to awkwardly stand beside me waiting to get to their seats. One of my absolute least favorite memories.

13. I impulsively got a tattoo with a sort of boyfriend one day on my ribs. I didn’t really WANT a rib tattoo but this dude told me it was “so sexy” so I caved. I also made the mistake of not going to a reputable artist, and frankly the tattoo looks like shit now. Eventually I’ll get it covered up but for now, the scratchy quote stays. Here’s another a picture so you can see visual representation of my mistakes!! Yay!

"curiosity often leads to trouble."

A photo posted by Kendra Syrdal (@kendrasyrdal) on Apr 6, 2013 at 4:58pm PDT

14. Once I went out on a date with a guy who actually, seriously quoted that fucking AWFUL book about picking up women called and I didn’t leave. Not only did I not leave, but I let him stay the night at my apartment (didn’t hook up with him because I maintained SOME level of self-respect) AND let him shower in the morning. He used my brand new, pretty spendy Sephora bubble bath as body wash, and opened brand new shampoo. He wanted to have a “discussion” after I told him I wasn’t interested in seeing him again. Yeah…I pick winners.

15.For my 20th birthday party I threw a joint birthday party with my friend Nicki that was “P” themed. This meant everyone who came to the party had to come dressed as something that started with the letter P. (Best costume was this dude Kyle who came as the preamble. It was gold.) The only other rule was that no one could come as a princess because that’s what Nicki and I were being. I dressed like this:

16.I was so in love with a boy that I bought him Decemberists tickets for literally no reason. Actually, come to think of it, a lot of the moments where I look at my younger self and go, “What the actual fuck were you thinking?!” have to do with spending money on boys who didn’t appreciate me. My therapist told me that I show affection through material goods because I have difficulty expressing emotions. Whatever, I’m working on it.

17.I have written so many prose pieces about guys who I knew were pulling away from me in a sad, pathetic attempt to try and make them see that I was worth their time and attention. Spoiler alert: If a guy doesn’t even read your stuff to begin with, this will literally never work.

18. At 23 I went to Las Vegas for my best friend’s 21st birthday and the two of us go so lit up before going to the wax museum that we found a karaoke machine (it’s next to the was figure of Simon Cowell) and started serenading the entire museum with renditions of Celine Dion hits like “Taking Chances” and “The Power of Love.” We attempted to shake his hand after. We cleared the room of 70+ people. What I’m saying is, it was embarrassing.

19. I was really bad about remembering to renew my tags for my car in college and was pulled over for said offense one summer, and still didn’t renew my tags. 7 months (yes I know, I was/am the worst) later I was pulled over AGAIN for the same thing. Apparently there was a warrant out for my arrest and the officer decided midnight was the appropriate time to lecture me about this. Catch? I had just finished a performance ofwhich, if you’re not familiar, is set in Japan. So I was in FULL kabuki makeup while this policeman decided to lecture me about my fuck up. I was sobbing, Ben Nye makeup was smearing everywhere, he felt pretty bad. It was overall just a mess. But I didn’t go to jail. Thanks, Missoula Cop who didn’t take me in while I was still rocking the geisha makeup. I really appreciate it.

20.Iwas feeling vulnerable and sad one Halloween and decided the cure to this was hooking up with my friend’s much younger, VERY hot, trying to be a stripper friend. It was fine, it was whatever. But we hooked up on the floor of an apartment which was basically concrete. I ended up slipping a disc, bruising my tailbone, and having to spend the next 3 months getting chiropractic work to make my back okay again.He was hot, but not hot enough to justify that amount of back pain. #srynotsry

21.I got violently ill once from antibiotics and promptly shit in my leggings after trusting the fart. There is more to the story but again, saving it for my future bestseller.

22. I thought this was a good look. And also did this in public.

23.In college I played Columbia in the live musical version of where, for the midnight shows only, we were topless. I debated about it, but it was a paid gig and I felt fine about it so I decided sure, why not. My boyfriend at the time was NOT okay with it. I later found out he adamantly REFUSED to let his friends come to the show, even going so far as to pay them back for the tickets they had already purchased. I didn’t find this out for years and it still makes me super embarrassed for his behavior.

24.A guy broke up with me when I was 25 because I didn’t make enough eye contact. That was his honest to god reason. (Still bitter.)

25.I went on a mini vacation with some friends to Austin, Texas for my 26th birthday and decided to really just GO for it when I was there. This meant doing one of the ultimate “why not” moments: the Tinder one night stand. Only problem? We didn’t know our way around Texas and I didn’t bring any condoms. So my solution was to have Postmates deliver them. I didn’t even try to play it off and ordered like, chips and gum to make it better. I straight up just ordered a box of 16 Trojan’s to the AirBnb. The delivery man was loling, my “date” was loling, my friends were loling. It was lols all around. 10/10 recommend.

26. A friend of mine came to Seattle for an audition and I took her out one night to blow off some steam/show her the city. We ended up drinking all night with a professional indoor soccer team from Vegas, and I definitely got naked in a photobooth with a bunch of them. Somehow though, I still didn’t get laid. Only I could be one of two girls surrounded by a bunch of guys who were hot, professional athletes, show them all of my tattoos that required me taking my clothes off, and end up going home to eat queso in bed.

27.I lived. I made memories. Or I had those memories told back to me because I didn’t really…well… them. And even though sometimes that makes me all “god dammit smdh” I honestly think it’s pretty dope that I have all of these stories – cringeworthy or what have you.

Plus I once peed on my neighbor’s lawn furniture because she was threatening to call the cops on my Harry Potter themed party. And you can’t pay money for those kinds of stories.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/30/27-of-my-most-cringeworthy-moments-from-my-early-twenties-i-will-recount-here-for-your-entertainment/