#had a panic attack in the pre-op room because the anesthesia was scaring me more than anything.

[gallusrostromegalus]

Good news everyone! The spay surgery was a success! I am now sterilized, going to eat some Mac and cheese and shrimps and pass the fuck out for a while, love you all

[just-a-cheese-stick]

(Possible tw for mentions of a broken bone, ivs, and surgery. It isn’t graphic tho)

Naeleon Week day 5 (Flowers)

Non despair au

“Just breathe Leon it’s going to be ok”

‏‏‎‎“What? You expect me to be calm before literally being minutes away from being cut open?” From his tone, it was easy to tell that Leon was panicked.

“sweetie, you’re going to be fine. Your arm is going to feel much better after this, ok?”

‏‏‎

Leon had broken his wrist at a baseball game about a week ago. After getting it checked out, the doctor concluded he would need surgery for the bone to fully heal.

This idea did not sit well with him in the slightest.

Though he would never say it, he was deadly terrified of any kind of medical procedure. Even though he never has directly told anyone, his reaction to them said enough. ‏‏‎ ‎

Every time he went in for one he would boarder on anxiety attacks. Makoto noticed this when he went in to get his wisdom teeth pulled, and started going with him from then on.

A nurse came into the waiting room and called Leon into the hospital room. Immediately, his mood went from defiant and angry to visibly anxious and small. He gripped Makoto’s hand with the hand not connected to his broken arm.

“Sit down right over here for me we’ll be with you in a second” the nurse told him as they entered the room.

Leon sat down on the hospital bed and began fidgeting anxiously with his arm brace.

“Nervous?”

‏‏‎‎“What? Me? No!” Leon quickly replied defensively.

He paused.

“do you want me to hold your hand?” Makoto offered.

Leon quickly nodded, holding his boyfriend’s hand tightly.

Makoto could feel the other’s hand shaking in his. It was clear he was nervous.

“It’s gonna be ok. You’re strong. I know you can do this,” Makoto brushed his thumb over the top of Leon’s hand in an attempt to comfort him.

“Thanks,” Leon glanced to the side.

A door opened, and three nurses entered. One of them, they both recognized as one of their upperclassmen, Mikan, who was likely interning here for her talent as the ultimate nurse.

“Hi, how are we doing?” One of the nurses said, rather upbeat.

Leon shrunk into the hospital bed he was sitting in, anxious about starting, but still held onto Makoto’s hand.

“This is dumb,” He grumbled quietly.

“W-Well i-in order for your- ... -for your arm t-to fully h-heal, y-you n-need to get the s-surgery. S-So it’s not d-dumb,” Mikan, the other nurse replied.

“He’s a bit anxious,”

“No I’m not!”

“Don’t be scared! You won’t even know it’s happening,” one of the nurses reassured.

“Chill, I’m not scared. Just think this is Stupid. That’s all,”

”C-Could you lay d-down?” Mikan asked.

Leon noticeably tensed.

“We’re not s-starting y-yet. W-We’re m-moving you to the pre-op room, but we’re j-just gonna check y-your vitals, ok?” The nurses moved over to raise the small protective bars on the side of the bed.

Two of them moved the bed into the operating room while Makoto walked beside the bed, making small-talk to a very anxious Leon, who, at this point had given up on trying not to seem nervous.

The third nurse stayed behind to sort out medications for the procedure.

It was a rush of taking blood pressure and temperature and other miscellaneous vital checks, but after a few minutes, an IV bag was brought up to the hospital bed.

Seeing that caused both Leon and Makoto to panic a little. Especially Leon.

Since he was a kid he hated those things. Plus, it meant they were starting.

Makoto was nervous because once Leon was under the anesthesia and asleep, he would have to leave his side until the procedure was done. He didn’t want to leave him though. He’d feel awful. Especially with how anxious he was about everything.

Makoto grabbed onto Leon’s hand to try and keep him calm.

But, judging by Leon’s death grip, he was nowhere near that.

‎“This is the anesthesia. It may take a second to work, but once it does, you’ll be completely asleep so you don’t feel any part of the surgery,” the nurse explained.

“And it goes in through an IV?” Leon’s tone alone was enough to tell he wasn’t just nervous being faced with the inevitability that he would go under surgery. He was terrified.

“Yep!”

“I’m gonna need you to put your arm down, please,” The nurse requested.

hesitantly, Makoto and Leon let go of each other’s hands, causing the anxiety to rise in both of them almost immediately.

The needle went into his arm, causing Leon to hiss in discomfort.

“Now, we’re gonna need you to count back from 10 for us.”

Makoto rested his hand on Leon’s good shoulder that wasn’t connected to his broken arm.

“T-Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven.. S..iix, ..fffi..” And with that, Leon was asleep, and Makoto was ushered out of the room to allow the operation to begin.

Makoto sat in the waiting room, anxiously scrolling through his notifications. He already was kind of worried. He didn’t want his boyfriend to wake up in any pain, or even be in any pain to that matter.

He got bored of looking at nothing, and began to get hungry.

He knew the hospital had a gift shop, so maybe he could go find himself something to eat and something nice he could get Leon while he was waiting.

Makoto got up from his seat and went to go find it.

“Excuse me, could you point me to the gift shop, please?” Makoto asked the man at the front desk.

“Yeah. It’s downstairs on the first floor. It’s labeled. You shouldn’t have a hard time finding it,” the man replied.

“Thank you.”

He stepped into the elevator and pressed the “1” button, which led to the first floor of the hospital.

The doors closed and the elevator began moving downwards.

With a “ding” the elevator reached the first floor.

Makoto walked out and started looking around for the gift shop.

A small indoor store labeled “gift shop” stood out.

That must be it.

Makoto entered the store.

The inside looked just like what you’d expect of a hospital gift shop.

It was filled with racks and racks of stuffed animals, “get-well-soon” cards, shirts, flowers, balloons, small candies and snacks, and a few other small objects.

Makoto walked around to find something to snack on and something for Leon.

The first thing that caught his eyes were the flower bouquets.

There was a large variety of flowers to choose from, but since he knew Leon likes the smell of lavender, he chose the lavender bouquet.

He looked around the store for some more nice things for his boyfriend after he wakes up.

The next thing that caught his eye was the rack of cards. He looked around at the “get-well-soon” to try and find something cute or funny.

He settled on a cute card with a corgi on the cover of it.

Makoto browsed the rest of the shop for anything else, and remembered he was hungry.

He browsed the shelf containing small snacks and found a row of stuffed bears holding a small jar of chocolates.

He had to get Leon one. They were just too cute. And, the chocolates would be good for the mood.

Makoto picked one up and put it with the rest of the gifts, and grabbed himself a bag of takis before moving to the checkout.

He checked out and returned back to his seat in the waiting room. Only about 15 minutes had passed, so it was back to the anxious boredom of scrolling through useless notifications and occasionally playing games that he had trouble focusing on.

But at least he had something to eat.

The minutes felt like hours, hours like days. Finally, after two anxious hours, a nurse came into the waiting room.

“Makoto?” A nurse called.

“That’s me.” He got up from his seat and fallowed the nurse somewhat eagerly with gifts in hand.

The nurse opened the door to the recovery room and walked him in.

“He may be a little loopy since he just woke up,” the nurse explained.

“Ok. Thank you so much!”

He walked into the recovery room and saw Leon in the bed, just barely awake.

“Hey Leon.”

Leon turned his head towards Makoto. “Who are you?”

“You don’t remember me?” Makoto softened his voice so he doesn’t overwhelm Leon.

“nah,” Leon replied, still only half awake.

“I’m Makoto, remember?” Leon had already fallen asleep again. This didn’t last long. He woke up again after a minute.

“Hey” Leon said still sounding dazed from the anesthesia.

“Hi Leon.”

Leon swiftly turned his head to him in surprise. “Wait how d’you know m’name?”

Makoto chucked in response.

“How?” Leon asked again.

“You told me.”

Leon looked at him confused.

“wwwhen?”

“Five years ago.”

Leon paused for a second, but seemed to have forgotten what he was going to say. “Hey koto.”

“hmm?”

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve evrseen.”

‏‏‎ This took Makoto by surprise. He could feel a blush spread across his face.“Thank you!”

“you’re sweet and perfect and cute and amazing and beautiful,” Leon started to ramble, sounding no less dazed than when Makoto had first came in to visit him.

“Well, I think YOU’RE the most beautiful person that I’ve ever seen,” Makoto replied, still blushing.

Leon paused. “Nah, syou.”

‏‏‎Makoto chuckled. “If you say so.”

“Yeah I’m sure.”

‏‏ ‎There was a brief silence.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” Leon questioned.

Makoto shook his head.

“You got a boyfriend?”

Makoto nodded his head. Leon looked slightly disappointed.

“Who s’it?”

“It’s you, Leon.” A smile grew on Makoto’s face.

Leon’s eyes widened.

“How???” He asked. “How’d I get such a cute guy?”

Makoto chuckled fondly.

“I asked myself the same thing when you asked me out.” Makoto smiled fondly when remembering that day.

“No way...”

Tho two continued chatting until Leon finally was able to fully wake up. That was when a doctor came in to discharge him.

The few papers given were filled out and Leon was discharged.

They returned to the car and began to drive back home.

“Oh, I got you some stuff from the gift shop,” Makoto told Leon, who was in the back seat with a blanket he’d brought from home

“you did?” Leon could feel himself beginning to smile.

“Mhm!”

“You really didn’t have to do that, man.”

“I know. I just felt really bad when you got so anxious back there.”

“Don’t remind me,” Leon grumbled, embarrassed.

“Sorry. I won’t judge, though!”

A small smile grew on Leon’s face. “Thanks.”

The car pulled into the driveway and both got out. Before the surgery, they’d agreed to have Leon stay at Makoto’s house the rest of the day. Leon didn’t exactly have the best relationship with his dad and being around him wouldn’t be the best thing right after the stress of surgery.

“Do you wanna go take a rest?” Makoto could tell Leon was tired, seeing as he was on the verge of falling asleep in the back of the car.

“That would be nice,” Leon replied with a yawn.

“You can go lay down in my room. And I’ll bring you those gifts I got you earlier,” Makoto offered.

Leon nodded his head, and tightly hugged Makoto with his good arm. “What did I do to deserve such an amazing boyfriend?”

He let go and walked himself to bed. Makoto came in soon after with a bouquet of lavender, a small stuffed bear with chocolates, and a card.

Leon could feel himself smile from the kind gesture. “You didn’t have to do all this man.” Leon was already red in the face.

“I know.” Makoto sat down on the bed. “But I wanted to.”

He handed him the lavenders first, which made his face light up.

“These are so pretty. Thank you so much dude!”

Makoto smiled in response and then handed him the bear and card. Both gifts were very Makoto gifts to give, and that was what made Leon so happy. That they were clearly given by Makoto.

“I love these so much. Thanks dude.”

Makoto was beaming at this point.

“I was about to lay down. Wouldja wanna join me?” Leon asked.

“I’d love to.”

They both laid down and pulled the covers over them.

“Here wait. The doctor said it would be good to elevate your arm. Would you like a pillow for that?” Makoto offered.

“Sure. Thanks so much dude. Really.”

Leon slipped his arm out of the sling and put it on the pillow.

He pulled Makoto to his chest with his good arm and holding him firmly, placing the occasional kiss on his forehead.

“Hey,” Leon said, beginning to feel himself fall asleep. “Hmm?”

“You know, I love you so much. You really mean the world to me man,” Leon pressed his face gently against the other’s.

“You too.” Makoto wrapped both of his arms around the other, pulling him into a tight hold. He still kept his broken arm in mind and was extremely careful with any area around it, making sure he applied minimal pressure to the area.

“I love you, man.”

“Love you too”

And with that, soft snores could be heard coming from Leon, and Makoto fallowed soon after.

Before they knew it, they were both asleep in the other’s arms.

[oso-and-baby]

Birth Story

I figure I might as well post my birth story. Let me just start by saying this: I had a labor-free birth. I didn’t have a C-section planned in advance, but I did end up doing a labor-free C-section. I feel kind of like I cheated, but the lifetime of debt and the fact I am still recovering from the effects a week and a half later makes me feel a bit better about it. But then again, people who labor and THEN get C-sections have both. So. . . Yeah. I guess I cheated, but it wasn’t exactly my fault.

Starting about two weeks out from my due date, I started to have a lot of contractions. There were several days where if I followed the 5-1-1 rule, I would have ended up going to the hospital. Luckily, I decided to wait and see if anything progressed from there and they would inevitably plateau for a few hours and then peter out. I would call what I was experiencing “false labor” versus just “a few Braxton Hicks contractions.” There was a point a week from my due date that I was at my friend’s house. I had the regular contractions to the point she was offering to take me to the hospital. They even started from my back and looped around to my belly. But nope, no baby.

Anyway, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes within the last couple months of my pregnancy. This meant that I was closely monitored once it was clear that diet was not controlling it alone (I just couldn’t nail those fasting levels, even though I was just a bit off target). I saw my OB every Thursday and a perinatologist every Monday. Both doctors had me on the monitors for a non-stress test. The OB otherwise did the normal OB things and the perinatologist did an ultrasound at every visit to check baby size, fluid pockets, etc. Baby measured normal but not particularly large and the fluid pockets measured normal (I guess the fear is they would be too large as well). 

It was revealed during my 39th week (39 weeks 2 days, to be exact) that I would be induced the following Sunday, March 5th, if baby did not come sooner. This was a day past my due date. Neither doctor was okay with gestational diabetics going late, even though everything had been smooth sailing with baby’s health up until that point. An induction during Sunday evening had the greatest chance of yielding a Monday delivery during business hours, so I would have my doctor and not the on call. I was honestly just relieved that they weren’t going to induce me sooner. I knew my due date was out of the question because it was a Saturday and would probably mean a birth on Sunday. 

Thursday, March 2nd, I went to my OB appointment, not expecting much. I was having off and on bouts of regular contractions, but I was in the throes of 48 hours of false labor just a week before and hadn’t made an ounce (centimeter?) of cervical progress. Given that I was not in the middle of anything, I thought I would get monitored, get checked, and then discuss Sunday’s plan. Maybe they’d sweep my membranes to avoid pitocin later.  Easy peasy.

Well, I suppose it’s fortunate I was being constantly monitored. The NST revealed that the baby’s heart rate was occasionally dropping in response to contractions. Given the norm is usually the opposite, this wasn’t exactly good news. In total, they noticed two decelerations. The medical assistants assisting with the NSTs didn’t say anything to induce panic, so I had no idea what was happening. This was probably my sixth non-stress test, so I wasn’t even really paying attention. 

When my doctor came in, she told me the news. She revealed that I was to go straight to the hospital and they would monitor me further. If all went well with the amount of sporadic contractions I was having, they would start me on a low amount of pitocin and see how the baby responded. If all was to go well, I would be induced with the intention of laboring and then birthing vaginally. If the pattern continued, I was to have a C-section. Either way: it was time to have this baby. 

This was all at about. . . 11:30 or so? 

. . . I kind of revealed what happened with the first paragraph, didn’t I?

I called my partner and then my mom in a panic. Knowing that my child was in distress kind of soured this whole experience for me, as you can imagine. I was crying when speaking to both of them. 

My partner managed to beat me to the hospital. I really should not have been driving. Like, at all. I was so panicked and distracted. I could barely stop myself from crying. I got lost in the hospital parking lot but eventually found the area where my partner was waiting for me and had valet take my car. 

I was admitted to labor and delivery and put on the monitors. I was forbidden from eating or drinking in case I would need an immediate C-section. They tested my blood sugar and found I was hypoglycemic (I think I was 62), but still they wouldn’t let me eat. They also did not fill my IV with glucose. It was getting so bad that I was dizzy just from turning my head too fast. 

Finally, they decided I had been on the monitors without decelerations long enough to have sustenance. They started me on apple juice for my sugars. My parents were there at this point and they went off to get me a falafel (which was delicious, by the way). 

The details of this are pretty fuzzy. I was on the labor and delivery floor for about eight hours in total. My partner and parents were there more or less the entire time. I remember that I ate at about 2:00pm because that detail is largely responsible for my kid’s time of birth. At some point between 2:00pm and 6:00pm, they started me on pitocin. I was feeling pretty confident so far. I had previous pre-eclampsia scares at the OB that were confirmed to be A-OK at the hospital and I was assuming the OB was just overly cautious and everything was going to be okay again. There was even a point where my nurse came in to ask my preferences for certain aspects of delivery, such as pain management. This felt like a huge relief after I had pretended to rip up my birth plan when we arrived. 

Well. . . Things did not go swimmingly. My doctor came in at some point after 5pm to tell me that I had three more decelerations while on pitocin and that they were going to schedule me for a C-section. It was to be 6 hours after eating. . . 8:00pm. Unfortunately, this meant I was going to the on call doctor, a stranger. I’m very fond of my doctor so this was a punch in the gut. She explained that if the baby was responding badly to this amount of contractions, it could be very dangerous to progress with labor. If nothing else, transition and the pushing phase could do serious damage to the baby. 

My body did not get the memo and I continued to have regular painful contractions long after they stopped the pitocin. My nurse commented “oh you’re not supposed to be going further. . .” but I did. Nobody checked my cervix because that would be pointless. I’m thinking it’s entirely possible that the small amount of pitocin was enough to spark true labor. So, okay. I guess I might have had a few hours or labor, but that was unconfirmed and it’s not like I reached the point of extreme pain. 

I did not take well to the fact I was having a C-section. I had the biggest panic attack of my life and was scared I would not calm down enough for them to be able to safely give me surgery. I also had an incredible coughing fit and was not able to drink anything to help, for fear that I would vomit and aspirate on the table. 

This was my first major surgery. 

8:00pm came way faster than I would have liked and they wheeled me away to the OR, alone. They were going to finish the remainder of my prep in the OR before allowing my partner to be present for the actual surgery/birth. The anesthesiologist was awesome and a real calming presence. . . in personality, not just in drug administration. Even though he was the most specialized and thus highest paid person in the room, he had the best bedside manner by far. The OB from my doctor’s office had given me a little pre-op schpiel in L&D, but he didn’t really acknowledge my existence from the point of entering the OR. The assisting surgeon? I don’t think she said a single word to me. The nurses? Nope. 

After feeling the lower half of my body go numb (which is a really freaky experience), I was laid down and the curtain was pulled up. The anesthesiologist remained by my head, I guess so he could hear me if there was a problem? Anesthesia of course being the most dangerous part of surgery. My partner was brought in and I believe she said hello and words of comfort, but at this point one of the drugs was hitting hard and the next hour would be a pretty big blur. 

I remember them saying my blood type several times during the procedure and later in recovery, which I thought was odd because I did not need a transfusion at any point. I didn’t know my blood type and kept making a mental point to remember, but I was so stoned. . . A-, maybe? 

The two surgeons discussed vacation plans and gossiped about people who were retiring. I suppose when you’re a surgeon, chopping up a lady’s guts is just another day at the office. It still struck me as rather strange. I guess the benefit of most major surgeries is you don’t see or hear what’s normal in an OR. Hurray for just numbing my lower half!

I was incredibly shaky. The anesthesiologist blamed the OR (which yes, was quite cold), but I have a feeling one of his drugs was also to blame. We’re talking the worst shivers of my life. We’re talking shivers that persisted for about two hours, even in recovery and postpartum (sooooo, yeah, not just the OR, dude). 

I kept falling in and out of consciousness and vaguely remember hearing a baby crying. I think I remember a nurse announcing the time of birth (8:28pm) and my partner repeating it to me. I think. But I also remember it not dawning on me until my partner disappeared to cut the cord and attend the measuring that holy shit that’s my baby making that sound. The baby is here and he sounds alright.

I did end up throwing up, despite all the precautions. The one medication they gave me orally to neutralize my stomach acid was ironically to blame. It was after the actual surgery and I was able to turn my head. . . But yeah, not a good time. 

I kept falling asleep and waking up. This persisted until I went into the recovery room for an hour. After the baby was measured, cleaned, and swaddled, my partner returned to my side and introduced me to our son. Again, I only vaguely remember this, but I remember thinking he was beautiful and feeling immense relief. 

He was 19 1/4 inches long and weighed 8 pounds, 0.2 ounces. I didn’t think to ask the apgars because I was just too stoned, but they said everything was fine, so I’m guessing they were good! The baby and I went to recovery, where they tested the baby’s blood sugar (which was a tad low and would go up after nursing). My partner was the first to do skin to skin because I was still incredibly shaky and was scared I would drop him, between my shakiness and the effect of the medication. I did it shortly after and we did manage to nurse within an hour of birth. Kid freaking lunged for my nipple. It was pretty surprising. 

The cause of the decelerations, by the way? Was the cord wrapped around his neck? Nope, for all the ultrasounds checking to make sure the fluid pockets were not too large, nobody noticed that they were too damn small. 

I went from recovery to postpartum for another 3 days. The rest of the stay was pretty uneventful, health-wise. We had lots of visitors. Breastfeeding was a real struggle for me and the baby, and during the last night the nursing staff announced that I had to supplement the baby’s feedings with donor milk because he dropped 10% of his birth weight. I’ve still been supplementing, but my supply has been slowly increasing because of a lot of freaking effort. I think today, we’ve given him two bottles total. One was an ounce or so and the other a mere 15mL. 

Anyway, I’m not sure how to conclude this. That was the birth of Devon Rey. It was not what I expected. Recovery has not been what I expected. It’s been 10 days and I still feel pretty icky. I have to take percocet to leave the house. I still take ibuprofen around the clock. As of today, I can do most anything around the house. . . I just can’t do a lot in a row before fatiguing and/or experiencing pain near my incision. 

Devon has been great and my partner and I are filled with so much love for him. My partner has been a rockstar parent and really stepped it up in the hospital. I don’t know what I would have done without her. I didn’t have to change a diaper until I got home and thank fucking GOD FOR THAT because even if I didn’t have a C-section, I’m not sure I could comfortably reach into the hospital bassinet. She did everything short of nursing the baby, which was my one job for several days. I love her more than I can express and I probably love Devon three times as much as that. So much pain. So much love. Such conclusion.