#had a breakdown in the break room later because it was the last straw to my day so to speak

[frink-o-matic]

He has a nasty habit of dropping bombshells on me while I’m at work.

[ego-meliorem-esse]

ELABORATE

If you insisttttt <3<3<3<3<3<3

i assume you are asking about the clinical breakdown by the Admiral Lord

Alfred is born in 1631, the settling of the colonies is still uncertain. Having said that, it's def more stable than in the late 1500. It took a long time for his son to be born. Lots of tries and failures. I do hc that Alfred and other countries are BORN. In the human way, to humans, to countries, it does not matter. They are spawned in a very human bloody and painful way. Alfred was born when Boston was established. He does have a mother ( i like to mix the old 2014 hcs that there was a country in that region specifically before the english but having done any kind of research will show that so many different cultures and languages and frankly ways of life existed in the now united states and then "13 colonies" that its straight up and down right unethical to have a single "Native America" representing those vast cultures. Now forgive my balkan-ness for keeping this part short but getting into his part of my hcs is not in my interest or my forte. I just like to humanise these beings, especially Alfred as much as possible) and that mother gave birth to him. Colonisation and settlement in the 1500s and 1600s is cruel, abhorrent and unspeakable to those living on these lands prior to the arrival of the english and for a while dutch. As many nations opposing the empires do, she dies in silence and solitude. Alfred is left in his father's care.

Boston is stable when Alfred first dies. The babe has weak lungs and Arthur doesn't understand. Alfred dies again a year later from the same illness. This time Arthur is aware of an outbreak of illness near the bay. The boy will strengthen and come back to him. He does but only for 2 months before he is ill again. There were difficulties in finding potable water in that part of the colony. Arthur is perplexed, this isn't the sort of thing nations fall ill for and die over. He starts to worry severely, keeping the boy physically close by and under care at all times. Just to make sure the boy, the personification, is in perfect health at all times. Maybe this way, Arthur thinks, his baby will stay with him. It seems that he was right because Alfred lives healthily for more than 2 years. He is fed, he is warm, he is happy. Alfred doesn't wake up one morning. He is still in his crib. He doesn't cry for attention. This time Arthur cries audibly yet carefully, alone in his study. Exiles, brutality and deaths of settlers seem to be the cause. His baby is in London and the order is set for the child not to set a small and wobbly foot in the colonies. His flame is extinguished not even a week later. Arthur is numb at this point. He cannot take it anymore. His guts and throat are in a state of constant clenching. He is vomiting and in pain. England is thriving, Arthur is in a state of misery.

The final straw, final death comes 4 months later with no warning and no apparent causes. Arthur is hosting his brother Rhys in the drawing room. Arthur has had enough. The nurse brings in his boy, Arthur takes his baby into his shaking arms, without a sound. His brother is aware of his nephews struggles with keeping alive. He tries to talk to Arthur, he tries to get him to say anything. Arthur does eventually speak, his voice getting more and more hoarse. Rhys takes his nephew slowly. Arthurs last straw breaks. He is on the floor, he is mourning, sobbing, sorrowing, yelling. Rhys and no one has ever seen Arthur Kirkland like this. He is weeping. Arthur finally broke down.

Part 2 maybe when I pick myself back up from the floor?

[imaginingmarvelandeverything]

Epilogue

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x F!Reader

Warnings: Spoilers for season 3 (do I really need to say this anymore), mentions of death

Word Count: 1271

A/N: I finally finished unpacking! So, here’s the epilogue of nightmares and bruises! I’m planning to write the alternative ending this week, so it will hopefully be up by the end of the week. Hope you like it!!!

Ko-Fi

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

Three months later

“You got everything?” Jonathan asked as Y/N and her mom climbed out of the Camaro and Steve pulled into the Byers’ drive behind them.

“She better have, we went through the whole house about fifty times.” Her mom smiled.

“More like a hundred.” Steve said as he walked over.

“It wasn’t that many.” Y/N protested. “What about you guys?”

Jonathan nodded. “We’re just grabbing the last few things.”

“I’m going to go and see if Joyce needs any help, and thank her again for letting you make the drive with them.” Her mom walked into the house.

Y/N knew that the only reason her mom was still okay with her going to California on her own was because she could drive the majority of the way with the Byers’. Losing Hopper had been the final straw for Joyce, she sold the house not long after what happened at Starcourt and decided to move across the country to Lenora Hills, California. She had also taken El in, considering she had no where else to go. But luckily their move out dates had coincided, which meant Y/N could make the drive across country with the Byers’, before making the final push to San Diego on her own.

She pushed herself onto the Camaro’s bonnet and Steve joined her. Neil had completely disappeared after Billy’s funeral; even Susan had no idea where he had gone. But he left everything of Billy’s behind, including the wreck of the Camaro. Susan was happy for Y/N to take it. Everyone thought she was crazy; when she had it towed home, it wasn’t even driveable. She knew where Billy kept his savings and she gave half of them to Max to help her and Susan find a new place, and used the other half to rebuild the car. She did the work she could herself and an old friend of her dad’s who had helped him rebuild the mustang helped her with the rest. Now the car looked brand new again.

She also helped Max and Susan clear out Billy’s room. That had been the hardest thing. She kept coming across items that made her breakdown all over again. But eventually they got it done. Max kept a few of his things, records and cassettes mostly. Y/N took the records and cassettes Max didn’t want, his whole paper back collection, a few t-shirts and his denim jacket. His St Christopher’s pendent was hanging around her neck, she hadn’t taken it off since Susan had given it to her at the funeral. Most of Billy’s things were still in her room at home, but she was taking some of his vinyl’s, the t-shirts, the denim jacket, and the mixtapes he had made her were in the glove box, ready to be listened to on the drive. The battered copy of The Catcher in the Rye that held all his photos was safely wrapped up in one of her boxes. She noticed the picture of his mom again when she packed it.

His mom hadn’t been at the funeral. Y/N didn’t know if that was because no one knew how to contact her, Billy had never known her new address or number, if Neil had banned her from attending, or if someone had told her and she just chose not to attend. For Billy’s sake, Y/N hoped it was one of the former reasons.

“You’ll come and visit, right?” Y/N pulled herself out of her own thoughts and took Steve’s hand.

“Of course I will.” Steve smiled, his eyes briefly drifting to the scar on her head. It was the only physical reminder of what had happened. The bruises had faded, her cast had been taken off, the only thing that was left was the scar. “I mean, I’d be an idiot to pass up the chance to spend spring break in California, imagine all of the ladies.”

She laughed. The ache in her chest was still there, but moments like these eased it slightly. “You are not bringing random girls back to my apartment, I do not need to hear that.”

Steve smiled before getting serious again. “But you’ll stay in touch, right?”

“Of course. I’ll write you letters, and you better send me some back, Harrington.” She sent him a faux stern look

He nodded enthusiastically. “Oh, don’t worry, they’ll be pages long, filled with all the shenanigans that come from working in a video store.”

“I think you mean they’ll be filled with your dating escapades and random shit Robin does.” She laughed again.

He joined in. They turned around and climbed off the car as everyone came out of the house with the last few boxes. They walked over to help add the last few things in Jonathan’s car and the U-Haul van which was towing Joyce’s car.

“Everyone got everything?” Joyce looked at her sons before looking towards Y/N and El.

They all nodded, and everyone realised this was it. The goodbyes started and so did the tears. Y/N hugged Dustin, Mike, Nancy and Lucas before moving over to Max. She pulled the younger girl into her and Max clung onto her.

“You call me, or write to me, if you need anything, alright?” Y/N said through her tears.

“Yeah. Have fun in California, he’d be glad you’re going.” Max started crying too.

“I know.” Y/N kissed Max’s forehead and watched as she walked over to say bye to El. Y/N turned back to Steve who had just finished saying goodbye to Dustin. He walked over and pulled her into him. She fisted the back of his shirt in her hands and he tightened his grip on her.

“He’d be proud of you.” Steve told her.

“He’s coming with me.” She confessed, and he was, in the Camaro, the necklace, his belongings.

“Look after yourself, and I’ll see you at Christmas.” He pressed his lips against her temple and pulled back.

“I’ll see you at Christmas.” She turned to her mom, who had been watching the exchange with tears in her eyes. She walked into her mom’s arms.

“I’m so proud of you, and I know your dad and Billy would be as well. Call me whenever you want, and you’ll smash it at college. But remember to have fun. As long as it’s safe.”

“Mom!” She laughed through her tears, her mom doing the same.

“Drive safe.”

“I’ll see you at Christmas.” Y/N walked back over to the Camaro as her mom joined the others who were staying in Hawkins.

El walked over to Y/N. “Can I ride with you?”

“Of course you can.” Y/N smiled and they both climbed into the car. She flashed her headlights when they were ready and Joyce set off, followed by Jonathan. They waved to the others one last time and she pulled the Camaro out of the drive. “Why don’t you pick a mix tape?” She told El.

El grabbed one and pushed it into the cassette player. Rebel Yell by Billy Idol flooded through the car and Y/N smiled, thinking back to the first time she had been in this car. Yes, Billy was coming with her to California after all.

Alternative Ending

[yamagucji]

Reacting to their s/o breaking down

ft. atsumu, oikawa, aone, and sakusa

warnings. little angst, lots of crying but lots of fluff

ATSUMU

when he saw you sprinting to your bedroom as soon as you came home, he was enraged to say the least

because those are definitely tears on your eyes, and atsumu’s now wondering as to who might’ve hurt you

he straight up panicks at first, because he doesn’t know if it’s a good time to approach you or not. so he does what he’s done to comfort his brother before— by giving you company outside your door

“angel?” he knocked lightly, sliding down to the floor and leaning his head against the door. he can hear your muffled sobs, it hurts. he wishes it were him instead of you

“if ya wanna talk just let me know, but... if not, i’ll be here waiting for you.”

so atsumu waits. he waits for as long as you need; 30 minutes, 1 hours, to a couple hours. it doesn’t matter, because when you open the door he’ll be there

after calming down a bit, you called out to him under your bedroom sheets. “tsumu...?”

he replies, almost instantly. “yeah? what do you need?”

“...you.”

and just like that he barges into your room, nearly jumping into bed and engulfing you in his arms

“feelin’ better?” he mumbled against you, rubbing the back of your head with his palm

atsumu will do his best not to barge you with his questions, waiting for you to open up at your own pace

now this man will literally turn into a whole COMEDIAN trying to make you feel better afterwards

yes put a red plush on his nose and call him clown atsumu <3

would also offer to take you to a convenience store

“ice cream? chips? what else d’you want babe?” atsumu peeked from the aisle over, his arms already loaded with goods

it’s 2 in the morning but atsumu doesn’t give a F!CK especially after seeing you so distraught a while ago. he’ll do anything to make you feel better quickly

OIKAWA

you never meant to break down over such a small accident, but you slipping on the floor along with your plate of food had made you tip over

out of such a terrible week, even your food couldn’t be spared

oikawa had watched you from the couch and was about to break into laughter (whole heartedly) if it wasn’t for the sight of you bringing your knees against your chest and sobbing

“love?” oikawa rushed over to you. “hey it’s alright, i can prepare you another plate of food” he cooed, feeling guilty of what had happened

he saves the cleaning for later, leaving the spilled food on the floor

“ah, come on look at me,” he pulled your head out of your knees, realizing now that your cause of breakdown wasn’t just because of the food

oikawa knows just how it feels to have a bad day, and on top of that, to eventually tip over because of all the heavy weight. so he makes you talk it out with him

tears, hiccups and probably snot running down your nose— oikawa will listen to every word you muster to say to him

“is that why? why didn’t you tell me earlier?” he wipes a tear off your face, his gentle voice cradling you

“b- because,” you hiccuped, “i didnt want to bother you with my problems” :(

he’ll wipe every tear off your face, giving you a few headpats and soft kisses on your forehead

“you’ll never bother me,” he mumbled against you. “next time, don’t be afraid to tell me what’s wrong okay?”

he sits with you for a little while longer, letting you pour everything you’ve bottled up out of you. and once you’ve finally calmed down does he start cleaning up

of course, all you need to do is get comfortable on the dining chair while he does the rest of the work

oikawa will put on the silly apron that you got him with pride, making sure to show it off and ease up your mood

“ha! don’t i look good?”

you huffed out a laugh, finally letting out your first smile of the night

whatever it is you want to eat, he’ll cook it for you <3

even though he’s already eaten just a couple hours ago, oikawa will also make a plate for himself so you don’t have to eat alone

AONE

you’ve been trying to get through your school work for hours now, but it’s just too difficult

“one more,” you told aone, bouncing to another question on your paper only to find that it’s even more difficult to answer than the rest

he sat quietly beside you; finally giving you space after asking if he could help you a few times before

you see... you definitely needed his help and although you’re sure aone was doing pretty well in this subject, you didn’t want to bother him nor show him that you were struggling :(

but before you knew it, tears were pooling down your face and onto your workbook

“hey,” aone mumbled, immediately soothing gentle motions over your back. “let’s take a break.” you know there’s no point in arguing— not with the way he’s closing up your materials

but you do, anyway. “but i- i have to finish this,” you huffed out defeatedly

seeing aone’s concerned expression makes you cry out more, and it doesn’t help when he starts to pull your face closer to his, wiping away at your cheeks

“hm, we’ll do it together, okay love? i am positive you’ll be able to get through this,”

“but right now,” he takes your hand, coaxing you over to his bed. “i think it’s time for a break”

the two of you will lay together on his bed, with your head on aone’s chest and his palms running over your back

it’s more of a quiet moment— save for your muffled sobbing

though once in a while aone will put his lips close to your ear and whisper words of affirmations to you

“im proud of you today. you should be, too,”

“i can see that you work really hard on your studies... but it’s okay to take a break sometimes”

he pulls your head slightly away from his chest, slipping a kiss to your forehead. “taking a break just means you’ll become even more stronger,”

and you know just how much those words weigh, especially coming from aone

aone won’t mind if you fall asleep. he’ll actually be more than grateful— to finally see you at peace

so the next time you get through with your work, he’ll be there with you <3

(he’ll even offer to have you sit on his lap as the two of you do work but only if you’re comfy)

SAKUSA

sakusa’s a very careful person, but his words can be jarring at times

you know that as his s/o, he never has an intent to hurt you. but this time... he’d struck a nerve without meaning to

“i just don’t see why it’s such a serious matter to you,” he replied, staring straight ahead on the pathway ahead of him

the two of you were talking about something from your past— something that continues to bother you

you took his words as: why are you so sensitive about it?

when sakusa had actually meant: there’s no need to be so worried

it had felt as if sakusa didn’t care about your situation, so you left the conversation there and sulked in silence for the rest of your walk home

he certainly noticed

just as he was unlocking the entrance door with his keys, sakusa had mumbled in frustration. “what’s going on with you today...”

and that was the last straw

you turned to him with frustration, too, the build-up tears finally escaping your eyes

“what do you mean-” you hiccuped, “what do you mean what’s going on with me today? i tried to tell you but it seemed like...”

sakusa lets go of the keys, the entrance door still closed. “like what?” he dared to whisper

“like you didn’t care, omi...”

he paused for a moment, watching as you looked down from him; hiding your face and your feelings

sakusa doesn’t know what overcame him— it’s not like him to act on instinct but he did just now

he brings you to his arms, taking off his mask in the process and leaning his cheek beside your head

“i dont,” he says cautiously this time. “i don’t know what made you think that, but i can assure you that i care about you,”

“the most,” sakusa added

he was hugging you a bit tighter than usual, his chest beathing in a frenzy against your ears

sakusa will clarify to you what he had said earlier, making sure to voice out his true intentions and feelings

and yes, you’re sobbing in his arms outside the house but he doesn’t give any care to that at all

sakusa presses a kiss on top of your head, gently pulling you off of him after your sobbing had calmed down

“let’s come in,” his fingers intertwines with yours, finally pulling you inside

ah, but you remembered something. “oh, sorry... i took a lot of time out of our chores today”

sakusa turns back to you, scruffling your head

“don’t worry about it. i’m taking care of you today.”

please send an ask to be added to my taglist!

[liquid-luck-00]

Truth / Lies

Bio!Dad Bruce

Bio!Dad Masterlist ~~~ Ao3 ~~~ First ~~~ Previous ~~~~~~~~~~

Marinette slipped out of the apartment early the next morning. She ran through the city, the early morning air stung her skin, waking her up more with each step.

Last night was a whirlwind and she didn't let herself think about it. But now she was.

Three months, almost four.

She has only known she was a Wayne for four months.

If this had happened sooner. She shuddered at the thought, yet it still flitted across her mind. She would have married her brother had this happened sooner.

Would she have recognized Damian from the 10 seconds she spent looking at his photo that day. No, she wouldn't and that thought terrified her. If it happened before then, she wouldn't even know she had a brother.

Would Bruce have recognized her, maybe, but then again that was assuming he knew what she looked like. And knowing what and how this happened, they wouldn’t have even met until after the fact.

She didn't even realize she had made her regular circuit until she was back in front of their apartment building. She opened the door and made her way up.

Hopefully Tim was gone, and they wouldn't need to explain last night.

She opened the door and there was not only Tim, but also Dick, Jason, and Bruce. At the table was a statuesque Damian.

"How much did they get out of you?" She tentatively asked.

"They threatened to call Manhunter." Was his answer.

Okay they know nothing, but oh no, oh no, oh no. She sat next to Damian turning into statue number two.

"Mini, the two of you disappeared last night what happened." Dad tried to stay calm, but his patience must have been tested by Sol already.

"Two truths, one lie." She side eyed Damian.

"We were in Nanda Parbat." Damian started.

"We avoided one mind numbing wedding." Marinette continued.

"The order has a larger moral back-bone than the league."

"You two aren't seriously playing this game to stall, are you?!" Tim seemed close to a mental breakdown. Then again, he hasn't slept in a week, so them disappearing may be the straw that broke him.

"Nanda Parbat and the league are tied so 1 and 3 are true." Jason figured.

"I would agree if this wasn't the second time, they said they avoided a wedding." Tim sighed.

"But it doesn't add into any of the others." Dick added.

"This morning their excuse was they were avoiding a wedding." Tim supplied.

"The truths are 1 and 2." Dad spoke definitely.

"Care to fill in the rest of the class B." Jason scoffed.

"Mini looks down for a fraction of a second when she lies, and she didn't when she said 2. Leaving 1 or 3 as the lie. Damian doesn't have a tick but using what he said 1 is true." He explained.

"There is no way for them to make that round trip in such a short time." Dick thought aloud. "Unless the order is filled with magic users. Meaning it is possible. And kidnapping kids could count as a lower moral backbone."

"Okay, so you're right, but kidnapping isn't the reason the League has a larger moral compass." Marinette assured.

"Do we want to know why the League of fucking Assassins has a larger moral backbone than an order of supposedly good magicians?" Jay was the one to speak the question on everyone's mind.

"Well if not saying or attempting to stop marrying two underage people is any indication." Damian scoffed.

"I honestly think it was their idea in the first place." Marinette mused aloud.

"Please for the love of god tell me you two weren't the ones getting married." Tim finally put it together.

"We avoided one hell of a headache inducing wedding. What do you think." She confirmed exasperated.

In a second (4) Errors could be seen on the faces of their family.

"Mini how long will it take to get to the league with Kaalki?" Dad was the first to recover, but his voice was eerily level, scarier than his even tone as Batman.

"Instantaneously, but someone who knows it better should be the one opening the portal." She responded quickly.

"Give the glasses to your brother. Damian open a portal."

Neither of them put up a fight, doing exactly as they were told. Not 20 seconds later all six of them were back in the middle of the League of Assassins following a clearly pissed off Bruce Wayne.

Thank kwamii that everyone else seem to know exactly where they were going in this compound because she sure didn’t. She walked right next to Damian the entire time and they were both watching their fathers back.

Twist and turns one after another and they finally came to what she can only describe as a throne room. When she saw the piece of shit that is Damian's maternal grandfather once again.

"Ra's." Was all her father stated. It is no exaggeration when she says that the color drained from that man’s face. She apparently wasn’t the only one contemplating exactly what had gone down last night. And the inevitable reaction of her family. What she failed to notice however, but her father didn’t was next to him was the same monk, still there. "Name." He ordered.

"Su-Han." He still spoke with dignity, but fear crept into his voice and stance.

"What the fuck did you try to do to my kids." Bruce growled in that instant she stopped breathing.

"Holy shit did Bruce just..." Jason stage whispered to Dick. However, she still couldn’t breathe and just watched the exchange. If she didn’t know her father’s rule to not kill, she would think he would be about to kill both Ra's and Su-Han, but she did know that rule. She’s pretty sure her father my break it though.

---

Bruce immediately was in a state of shock.

As Batman he had contingencies and plans in place for everything and anything. But this, this never was a probable scenario ever.

Once his shock faded, he saw red, he was absolutely livid. Children, his children, were almost married, for what. A feud that neither knew even existed.

"Mini how long will it take to get to the league with Kaalki?" His voice was dead even, attempting and failing to keep his anger in check. Thank God Hawkmoth was no more.

"Instantaneously, but someone who knows it better should be the one opening the portal." She responded quickly.

"Give the glasses to your brother. Damian open a portal."

Mini handed Damian the glasses, who immediately opened a portal. He walked through with his kids in tow, but he did not stray from his warpath. He found Ra's and another man, who wore the symbol on Mari's box.

"Ra's." Was all he said, knowing he had the man's attention the moment he entered. He showed no attempt to be bored. or uninterested. In fact, if it didn't seem impossible, Bruce would go so far as to say he was scared. He then looked over at the second man. "Name." He spoke again.

"Su-Han." He still spoke with dignity, but fear crept into his voice and stance.

"What the fuck did you try to do to my kids." Bruce demanded.

"It is not like you to visit." Ra's seemed to dance around his question.

"Why my kids?!" His voice rose and patience dwindled. So much so he didn't notice his two youngest slipped out of the room. While the older three seemed to be eating cookies and pastries, watching the show.

"Them being related was an unforeseen factor." Su-Han answered. "For there to be peace the two organizations needed to be unified."

"And both of you rubbed your cumulative two brain cells together and thought marrying two kids together is a valid response."

It was Ra's turn to speak. "Both of your children happen to be the next in line to command both respective organizations. Marriage was simply a contract between the two individual organizations to maintain peace. Although that failed to occur."

"Why did marriage come before I don't know, a god damn Peace treaty." He stopped to breathe.

"Given our history." Su-Han tried to make a point, but he didn't let him.

"You want history, I hear they have been around since the time of the Ancient Egyptians and the Ancient Babylonian Empires."

Both men stood there seemingly trying to formulate any response that could work. “Marriage was the most reliable method to promote unity between the two.”

"Bullshit, you both wanted something quick and easy." An explosion was heard in the compound, sending Ra's into a fighting stance. "You both wanted to make it their responsibility to keep the peace. And when it would fail you would use it as an excuse to return to fighting one another."

A full minute of pure silence when no one so much as moved drawled on. Until the doors opened, and in walked his children, as a fox and a horse with two Kwamii in front of them.

"Are you two the ones responsible for the explosion?"

They looked at one another, then back at him. Damian was the one who answered. "Yes."

"What did you four do?" He asked, although he only did so more out of obligation than curiosity.

"We may have destroyed all the Pools of Miracles." Tikki flew forward and answered.

"You destroyed the Lazarus Pits / Pools!" Was shouted by Ra's and Su-Han.

"Yes, so it's magic cannot be further twisted." Mari stood firm.

"And for the monks to stop using it to extend their lives." Damian added.

"Can I spite them now?" A cat Kwamii he never met before asked him.

"I should be more disappointed, but I'm not." He sighed. "Go on ahead."

"Pigtails your family is the best." The cat cheered. "Now for you two."

The best way to explain what he did was that he phased through each of their hearts and floated on back. The entire time he were a grin that rivaled the cheshire cat.

"Plagg, what did you do?" Tikki tentatively asked.

"What's the fun in telling you now. Plagg cackled. With that they all left, back to Paris. Never mess with his kids, because one they can God damn take care of themselves and two, he may not kill but he will supervise if even one of them is hurt.

~~~~~~~~~~ Taglist: @mochinek0 @justafanwarrior @abrx2002 @ranger-gothamite @fantasiame @moonystars14 @mochegato @bigbeautifulandfullofsugar @maribat-is-lifeblood @iglowinggemma28 @miraculous-ninja @talutah0 @vixen-uchiha @danielslilangel @witchsblackfox @pawsitivelymiraculous @lizziejay @marinettepotterandplagg @colorfulmongerpsychicranch @dast218 @sassakitty @miyla-lokidottir @lilkymilky @tazanna-blythe @tired-butterfly @lozzybowe @smolplantmum @queencommonsense @loopingtangent @chez-pezeater @paintedhope7 @technicallyburninggarden @meme991001 @wannajointhecrabcult @melicmusicmagic @trippingovermyfeet @greatcatblaze @fidget-eep @miraculouslydumb @iamablinkmarvelarmy @laurcad123 @hauntedwintersweets @fc-studios @fusser90 @madking-warqueen @buginetye @little-lady-bird @thebooki3h @iamabrownfox @galla02006 @syrencall @gimpedmercy

[filterjeons]

private show | jjk

✦ pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

✦ summary: throughout your relationship, you never thought jungkook would ask a certain type of action from you. however, you take it into consideration...without the intention of him nearly catching you

✦ rating: M, not suitable for minors

✦ genre: smut

✦ word count: 7.4k

✦ warnings: dom!jungkook, sub!reader, tsundere!reader, rough & unprotected sex (wrap it b4 u tap it!!), dirty talk, degradation bc im a whore for that, masterbation, voyeurism, oral (f receiving), fingering, orgasm denial

Honestly, you didn’t know what you did in your past life to earn a man like Jungkook but you weren’t complaining one bit anyways. By just one look at you, people assumed you weren’t the type to have a boyfriend and you would spend the rest of your life alone. Luckily, you managed to prove them all wrong by being with someone who loved you for the way you were instead of your money. 

It was a blessing and a curse to be born into a rich family of doctors who expected you to be the heir of the family hospital. Despite having your future already planned for you, you fell in love with playing the violin after being introduced to it when you were young. The feeling of holding the violin against your jaw as the bow ran across the strings to produce a classical melody that you’ve familiarized yourself with throughout the years. 

You would much rather be at a violin recital in a beautiful dress playing one of Bach’s sonatas than being cooped up in your room studying biology. However, your parents didn’t feel the same way. 

When you were about 6, you ranked second at a competition against tons of kids who were in their later-preteens but that wasn’t enough to prove to your parents how much you loved music. They took it as a sign of failure because “it’s not being first” and always used that argument against you to emphasize on how you have to be at the top of your class. 

“Mommy! Guess what, I got second place! Second out of a bunch of bigger kids! I didn’t expect-” you squealed, kicking the back of the limo’s glass partition. Instead of candy, you were buzzing with excitement due to how well you placed in your county’s music recital. But what you didn’t know was that even a place close to first was never enough. “Why didn’t you get first?” 

As those words ran through your ears, you felt your blood run cold and the eyes that were dancing of excitement and joy started to dull. You clutched your certificate tightly, tears starting to swell up. 

“That’s because there was a sixth grader who was better than me and she was really good, she can play the piano-” “You see, if you can’t get first then you shouldn’t pursue a career in music. It’s too hard and competitive for you anyways. How about you focus on your studies, especially since you’re going to take over the hospital when you’re older.” 

Up until last year which was your freshman year of college, you obeyed them by devoting your time to studying and only treating music as just a hobby while you hide your feelings along the way. Now that you think about it, you barely had friends during high school since every break period, you were always alone in the music room and you were too stubborn to go up to people. The only reason why you would talk to someone is to work on a group project but it ended up being that you would do all of the work while they slack off. 

Everyday felt dull and uninteresting, especially since you’re being put in a fate that you don’t even want. But like some stupid cliche, it all changed ever since you met him. 

You didn’t even intend to meet him, hell you barely knew he existed. But the night of your chemistry midterm, the apartment next to you decided to have a party which most of the school is invited to and blast loud music that could be heard from the next town over. 

It couldn’t get any worse as you were already stressed from college and your parent’s crazy expectations and you were definitely not failing otherwise you’re dead meat. Normally, you would just try to sleep it out with earplugs but since you barely ate anything but coffee and granola bars and you were tired from the 24 hour studying, that was your last straw. So you did the thing a person would do in your situation: marching over to the party in your purple star-printed nightgown to give them a piece of your mind. 

Already at the door, you could feel people’s stares burn into you, due to why you came to the party when you didn’t bother interacting with people and why you were in your pajamas. Maybe people were going to talk about you on Instagram but you didn’t care, you just wanted to ensure that you have enough sleep so you could at least pass. 

Unfortunately for you, you must’ve looked extremely stupid because you were wandering around the same area like a drunk man. Random people did offer to get you a drink but you declined; after all it was a school night. Eventually you gave up trying to even bother talking after seeing the host, local frat boy Jackson Wang, surrounded by the rest of the partygoers in a beer pong game. 

Frustrated and exhausted, you hauled yourself up to a seemingly empty room and collapsed onto the bed. Not only did you enter a college party in your pajamas but you wasted precious time studying over something idiotic like this. With all of these negative emotions inside of you, screaming inside a pillow was the first thing that came into your mind. And unfortunately, someone had to be the witness of your near mental breakdown. 

“Woah, is everything okay?” a velvety voice chuckled, patting your back slightly. Well, another reason why your night is absolute shit. You turned your face up to chew off the mysterious person but for some reason, your voice was all caught up in your throat. 

He was different, different from all of the boys that ever interacted with you. Despite you being a complete loner, the guys in your high school tried to hook up with you but you were never interested. They stunk of axe and the only reason why they’re “popular” is because they were on a sports team. Besides, you were too busy in your academics to even think about dating. 

You couldn’t really see him but the guy who’s in the room with you looks better than every single guy in your high school combined: his long dark hair in a mini-ponytail contrasting with his cute bunny-like face. 

“Wh-who are you?” “Jeon Jungkook. I’m a member of the boxing team and my family owns a records shop downtown. What about you?” 

“I-i-” “Aren’t you Y/N, the smart girl who doesn’t talk to anybody and spends her time either studying or in the music room with her violin?” Thank god the room is dark because your face was burning up badly. Barely anyone knew you and if they did, they had bad things to say about you because you were so quiet and boring. However, what he said was a fact and you shouldn’t blame him for having an impression on you due to what other people said. It hurted nonetheless though, especially since he was a part of a sports team. 

“Yeah, that’s me. What do you want? If it’s homework answers, then fine!” you snapped, immediately standing up and walking away. You were absolutely done with this night, all you wanted to do is sleep so you have some sanity tomorrow. 

“You sure are feisty. It’s cute,” he said with a cocky grin stuck on his face. Oh, how you wanted to slap it off. 

“If you’re asking me out, I’m not interested!” you fought back. Although you were one step out of the door, something about him made you want to stay. Like you wanted to talk to him. 

“I didn’t say anything about that but if you want it that way-”

“No! I-I’m sorry for acting all rude, I’m just having a really bad night and I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone,” you mumbled, turning on the light. Oh how it was a bad idea..

Now that you could really see his face clearly, your heart felt like it was about to explode. He was dressed in a simple all-black T-shirt and jeans with combat boots to match. What really captivated you were the tattoos on his hand and up to his elbow, each symbol and design etched out beautifully which must’ve taken hours. 

Although you were at least wearing clothes, you felt exposed due to the stupid pajamas you have on. He somehow sensed your embarrassment and gave you a small smirk which made it ten times worse. 

“Well, do you want to explain why you were screaming in a pillow earlier?” Normal you definitely wouldn’t spill her feelings to a hot guy she just met five minutes ago but with him, you felt safe. Like for one night, all your worries and feelings are immediately gone and it’s just you and him. 

Was this the stupid shit they call “love at first sight”? 

“My midterm is tomorrow and I can’t sleep from all of the noise so I came here to yell at the host of the party. Jackson Wang, fuck you and your decision to host a party today,” you sighed, settling yourself next to him. You would expect him to immediately laugh and make fun of you since it was something a lot of people did to you whenever you cared about your grades. Instead, he looked at you with understandment and listened to what you had to say. 

“Honestly, I don’t even know why I went to this stupid party in the first place,” he replied, making you snort out a laugh. As you were trying to collect yourself from his statement, Jungkook’s mouth turned up into a small smile. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect that. Anyways, I guess I should get going since I have a big day ahead of me,” you smiled, feeling a small weight being lifted off of your shoulders. As you trudge out the door, Jungkook’s arm stops yours for a second. 

“Do you think I can have your phone number? Not for dating but you sound like a really cool person to be around and no offense but you seem lonely.” “Thanks for the compliment. But here you go,” you said sarcastically, scribbling down your phone number on a random piece of stationary in the drawer next to the bed. Maybe this is all a fever dream, maybe you’re hallucinating due to how little sleep you’ve gotten during midterm week. 

“I’ll see you soon…” he waved you goodbye as you gave a final look at the door. He was interesting but now isn’t the time to be distracted! You’re pretty sure that if you pinch yourself, you’ll be back in your dorm since this is just a dream? “Also, d-don’t take it the wrong way! It’s not like I like you or anything! I just wrote down my number because you asked nicely! We’re never going to date!” Not only did you pass your midterm but your last line to Jungkook in the stuffy college party would become your famous last words. 

It’s been years since you and Jungkook met at that party and a lot has changed then. You started to grow feelings and date him a few weeks after your midterm, eventually making the relationship official in a month. After a few months into dating, he introduced his parents to you first. They were a sweet family with amazing home cooked meals which you were dying to recreate and luckily, they accepted you with open arms. 

However, him meeting your parents wasn’t that smooth. Now that you look back on that day, not only were you permanently deciding to be with the one that you love but it also felt like you were breaking free out of the shell that your parents trapped you in because you didn’t want to go down the path they set for you. 

You shook your head to yourself, not wanting to be reminded of the painful past. Now, you were a violinist playing in recitals and companies and Jungkook was running his parent’s record shop. You were happy and you didn’t care about what your stupid parents think. They can simply ask someone else to run the hospital and it’ll still be fine. 

As soon as the practice track ended, you turned off the metronome and packed your violin away. The apartment that you and Jungkook shared was average-sized, a notable difference from the mansion you used to live in but it was better. You were with the person you love and that’s all you could ever need. It may sound corny but a simple life with him was all you ever wanted. 

After you pack away your violin, you impatiently wait alongside the door for Jungkook to get home. Right now, he has boxing practice for a match next week and he wanted to stay with his teammate Taehyung to be the best that he can but he’s stopping by for a day. You’re not into boxing but like the good girlfriend you were, you attend most of his matches (some conflicted with your performances) and cheer him on. 

Although you miss having him by your side, you’re also aware of how much boxing means to him as it was a break from the hectic life of owning a music store. Another positive in your new life was the amount of music there was, a good break from the science and math that filled your childhood. 

You heard some jiggling among the door locks and surely enough, Jungkook’s handsome face was in your view. He was wearing a black sleeveless shirt and some blue jeans, a very simple outfit after spending most of his time at the boxing gym. 

“Hey baby,” he cooed, giving you a hug and a kiss on the forehead. 

“Hi. I’m so happy you’re back, I was starting to worry that you forgot about me,” you joked, carrying his boxing bag to your shared bedroom with him tagging behind. 

“You know I would never forget about you,” he muttered, wrapping his arms around your waist and kissing the back of your neck. Instead of wriggling away like you normally do, you allow yourself to relish in his affection since he wasn’t a person who did it often. 

“I missed you..” you mumbled, turning around and kissing him. He returned the kiss more passionately, slipping his tongue inside your mouth. The sudden action made you forget about everything, focusing only on him. Unfortunately, with your senses locked on him, it caused you to fall onto the bed, your head nearly hanging off of the edge. Jungkook used your weakness to have more control over the kiss and you, carefully grabbing the back of your head to deepen the kiss. Even though he always controls kissing you, his lips are also full of love and longing due to him being gone for too long. 

“God I missed this,” he mumbled, breaking away to remove the buttons of your blouse and kissing the side of your neck. You whined from his touch, feeling a bit embarrassed due to how much time it’s been since the two of you were together. 

“What is it baby girl, are you nervous? Come on, we’ve known each other for years and I know you can take anything I give you.” It was true of course but for some reason, it felt like the first time you had sex with him. 

After your shirt has been taken off, you unconsciously cover your chest with your arms. You didn’t know why you’re acting so self-conscious, especially since you’ve been a challenger to him in bed. 

“Hey, are you okay? We can stop if you don’t want to-” Jungkook asked softly, reaching over to take your hand. 

What’s there to be nervous about? It’s just Jungkook and like he said, you’ve known him for too long. Besides, don’t you have too much pride to act this way? You swallowed the lump in your throat and looked back at him with a seductive smile. 

“You were taking too long to take off my shirt. How boring,” you said coyly, tapping his nose playfully. He returned your gaze, his eyes darkened with lust and desire. 

“Well then baby girl, how about you take off the rest of your clothes since you seem like you want to do it,” he muttered, sitting up with his attention completely on your chest. One thing you were infamous in your relationship for is being a brat, a mix of you being submissive but not backing down completely. Even though you liked being a good girl sometimes, the rest is just you on the receiving end. After all, you won’t back down to a challenge, nonetheless if your challenger’s your significant other. 

If a person only based off of what they saw, they would think that you were the one taking absolute control due to the aura you give off and your harsh personality. However, at least between you and him since you were one to keep your private life a secret, he is the one with the reins and you were completely fine with it. 

You unclipped your bra, throwing it at some random place in the room and revealed your exposed breasts. He ogled at your body up and down, his familiar lustful gaze running through his eyes. 

“Hey, what are you staring at?” you barked, slowly starting to feel awkward. Unlike you, Jungkook had no shame when it came to your bedroom activities and there were times when he would just stare at you while you’re completely bare. How embarrassing...but it’s no big deal. 

“Watch your mouth you little brat. Do I have to punish you on my day back?” he said darkly, his tone immediately making the back of your hairs stand up. Your face softened, heat forming in your cheeks as you twirled a random piece of your hair, a random habit that you’ve done since elementary school.

“I-I’m sorry.” “Sorry what, baby girl? You’re smarter than that.” “Sorry..sir.” After that word was uttered in your soft and obedient tone, Jungkook could feel his dick growing harder by the second. Hearing you give up all of your confidence and letting him control you never failed to turn him on. 

“Now take off the rest of your clothes, sweetie. Or are you going to continue being a dumb little girl and keep playing with me,” he growled softly, leaning back on the bed frame. You felt like acting up some more but he truly was scary when he’s upset and you didn’t want to make his visit back bad because of your behavior so you simply did what he said. Even though you wouldn’t admit it to the world, you also love obeying Jungkook. 

You quickly unzippered your jeans, pulling them off along with your panties and kicking them out of the bed. The warmth from the clothes were immediately replaced by the chilly air from the air conditioner, your nipples standing up and goosebumps filling your body. It was humiliating, especially since Jungkook can see you so clearly. 

“My precious sweetheart,” he cooed, leaning over you and you could feel his hardened member alongside the roughness of his jeans as he slowly grinded into you. 

“Ahh…” You didn’t know what to say, except you knew you wanted more. Jungkook’s mouth was latched onto your nipples, sucking them harshly while his other hand was massaging and flicking on them repeatedly. You felt your eyes roll back to your head and your pussy dampening, even though he wasn’t doing anything yet. 

“You like this baby?” he asked gruffly, tugging on your nipple teasingly as it sends sparks of pleasure inside you. You only let out a whine in response as he broke apart from your chest and slowly made his way down your body. 

All of a sudden, he inserted one of his long fingers inside of your core, sending vibrations throughout your body. You squealed from the intrusion as your body tried to familiarize itself with his finger, your walls clenching around his digit. 

“Damn, have you gotten tighter since last time?” He started to thrust his finger in and out of you at a moderate pace, trying to get you used to the feeling. As if one isn’t enough for you, he suddenly inserted a second one to stretch you out. 

Your mind was a haze, not paying attention to anything that was happening around you and focusing on the pleasure that Jungkook was giving you. His fingers attempted to reach the spongy section of your g-spot, the place that absolutely had you in hysterics. Surely enough, his fingertips grazed over it and you could nearly come undone at any second. 

While he added an additional finger and completely filled you up, you could feel his smooth tongue on your clit, flicking and sucking on it feverishly. High-pitched moans and mewls were coming out of your mouth embarrassingly as you tugged on Jungkook’s long locks in order to steady yourself of the pleasure. 

You could feel him curl his fingers and touch your g-spot, sending sparks within you. At this point, you were barely in a stable mindset due to how good he was making you feel. You felt a knot building up in your stomach, your orgasm coming close to you. 

“Are you gonna cum now baby girl? Do you want to cum for Sir? Yeah, I know you do, I could feel it coming,” he said tauntingly, his fingers and tongue abusing your cunt and the vibrations among it made the sensation feel even better. 

“Y-yeah, I’m gonna-” you whimpered pathetically but to your dismay, he completely stopped by sliding his fingers out and removing his face. With your release dismissed like it was nothing, you felt annoyance build up on you as your body shook from the denial. 

“What the hell? Why did you stop?” you groaned, your eyes shooting sharp daggers at Jungkook. If looks could kill, he would surely be dead within two seconds. But all that’s on his face were your liquids and a cocky smirk that you want to wipe off instantly. 

“Because I want you to cum on my dick first. It’s been so long since I’ve been inside you, y’know?” he said casually, pulling off his shirt like it was nothing and revealing his impressive 6-pack. One thing that you were always in awe of was his figure. Jungkook was a really athletic person, always finding time out of his day to work out and maintain his muscular body. You didn’t mind if he didn’t have abs but it neutralized his cute face that could easily kill anyone. 

“It’s been a while, yeah? You ready kitten?” Jungkook kicked off his jeans and his boxer that covers his massive bulge was immediately in your vision. You could feel your thighs rubbing together as you were craving him inside you. 

“You’re calling me kitten now?” you mumbled shyly as he sat on the edge of the bed, palming his hardened member. 

“Yeah because you’re my cute kitty, aren’t you? Do you want to take off my boxers for me?” he smirked, knowing how excited you are to see him like this again. Like there was no tomorrow, you yanked it off impatiently and his dick sprang out, hitting his abs before standing up instantly. 

“You’re excited, aren’t you? Don’t deny it,” Jungkook teased, stroking his member teasingly before setting you down on your back and hovering above you. 

“I want it,” you mumbled impatiently, getting excited with the thought of him fucking you until you can’t walk again. He chuckled at your reaction, slowly slipping himself inside you. You shrieked from the sudden movement and tried to make yourself comfortable even though this wasn’t new to you. 

“Alright baby, let’s go,” he said gruffly, slowly pulling out and slamming it back inside within the next five seconds. You let out a scream as he picked up the pace into the all-too familiar rough and fast one. 

“Damn, you’ve gotten way tighter since the last time I’ve fucked your brains out. Feels so good for Sir,” he groaned, his dick completely filling you warm and deep to the point where it could nearly reach your guts. “Does my baby like that? Like getting dicked down where I can feel her in your stomach?” “Ahh, oh my god!” You could only moan and whine in response, pathetic noises coming out of your mouth as Jungkook’s dick hit every surface of your pussy. His veins already made it even more pleasurable and you could feel the tip grazing upon your g-spot, making you even more sensitive. 

It hasn’t been long but embarrassingly, you could feel your orgasm arrive once again due to how good his dick was thrusting into you. As he continued to drill your abused cunt, you could feel your legs tremble at the sensitive feeling and the impending sensation of your orgasm starting to grow in your core. 

“S-sir, oh my god-” you mewled as Jungkook used his force to flip you on your stomach, your face covered in the pillows. You couldn’t feel him inside you for a second but suddenly, he slammed inside you with no remorse and continued fucking you at that fast pace. 

Your cunt throbs as you prepare yourself to cum all over his dick. Jungkook could sense it too by the way your walls started to tighten around him, making it even more pleasurable than the last time you two had sex due to how tight you were. You were praying that he doesn’t deny your orgasm again but there were times where he was that cruel. But you’ve behaved enough to not warrant that type of treatment. 

“Is my baby gonna cum now? Go on, come for me, I want to see you come undone on my dick,” he chanted lowly, his pace fastening due to his orgasm coming in soon. Like his words set off a reaction inside you, you screamed out his name and squirted on his dick and stomach. Using that as fuel to keep going, Jungkook thrusts even faster than before to catch his own high as you try to calm yourself down from your own orgasm. 

“Ahh, Jungkook-” you whined from the sensitivity but you kept holding on so he could cum too. The way his sweat dripped off of his forehead and complimenting with his dark locks nearly made you want to cum again. 

“Fuck, I’m cumming, oh shit,” he moaned out, his thrusts slowing down and surely enough, you could feel his dick spurt out his seed inside you. He started to pull out and stroke himself, spurts of his cum filling up your pussy to not waste a drop. 

You and him started to breathe heavily from the intense fuck as you gingerly pulled up the sheets to cover your body. It’s not like you were embarrassed of him seeing your body, it was a habit you did after you have sex with him.

“Did you miss me?” he smiled, lying down next to you and covering an arm around your waist. You nodded, snuggling up next to him on the neck of his crook. There weren't any words spoken from the both of you for a while, instead you were just enjoying the presence of him next to you because after today, he’ll be gone again. 

If you had it your way, you didn’t want him to go but he really wanted to participate in his boxing match and what kind of girlfriend were you if you didn’t support him? Still, you loved every moment with him and he was the one thing you absolutely loved in your life. 

After a moment of silence, Jungkook broke the silence by facing towards you with seriousness in his eyes. You were worried that something may have happened, so you braced yourself with the worst that could happen. But surprisingly, his words were a bigger shock than any other disaster you could think of. 

“Y/N, do you mind if I ask something of you? I hope you don’t find it uncomfortable or invasive.” “Sure, what is it?” You should’ve known from the cheeky smirk he gave you that he was going to request this type of stuff. 

“I want to see you touch yourself. I think you’ll look so hot fucking yourself with your fingers while all I’m doing is just watching you.” “What the hell?!” 

You were lying if you said you didn’t think about it a lot, especially since Jungkook left the house today this afternoon. Now that he wasn’t there, the apartment felt lonely again and you automatically missed him. 

However, the thought of him also brings you back to the conversation you had after you two had sex after a while. 

“You’ve never touched yourself? I figured that something like that would come easy to you!” “Well- you know I have dignity right! It’s already embarrassing enough that I’m your submissive!” 

“You’re right, it’s already hot seeing you act all whiny and needy for my touch.” “Shut up! Stop making fun of me!”

You shook your head, trying to get rid of Jungkook’s words. With the intent to clean your room to take some stuff out of your mind, you walked to the shared bedroom and started to rearrange random knick-knacks that were placed in peculiar locations. 

While you were wandering around, your eye caught sight of a black duffel bag that was in a hidden corner of your bed. With curiosity, you approached it to check to see what was inside. It was heavy and filled with boxing gloves and other equipment, meaning that it was Jungkook’s. 

He must’ve forgotten it when he left today, you mused, holding the glove to your chest. A normal person would immediately contact him and give it back but it was like a living piece of him, having its name and scent. You can’t believe you already miss him that much to hold onto his boxing gloves for some comfort. How pathetic. 

The smell of him already reminded you of yesterday, when he touched you and made you feel so good. You groaned to yourself as you feel your panties dampening just from the thought of Jungkook giving you pleasure. 

“Y’know what, it wouldn’t hurt to try, right? Alright Jungkook, I’ll do it,” you muttered to yourself as you slowly grazed your fingers to your lower region. You could already feel the slick coming out of your panties, signalling how wet you were. 

You were a smart person but frankly, you were confused on how to touch yourself especially since this was your first time. Memories of the way Jungkook inserted and thrusted his fingers inside you flashed through your mind, giving you an idea on how to start. 

You slide your panties off to your ankles and slowly insert your index finger inside of your core, letting yourself get familiar to your own fingers inside of you. It sure felt different than when Jungkook did it, it wasn’t enough to completely make you feel undone. You pumped another finger inside, giving you something inside at least but it was no better than Jungkook’s touch.

“Ahh, Jungkook,” you moaned softly, flicking your own clit with your fingers which makes the pleasure at least a bit better. You would rather have him with you but it was enough to fill up a small part of his absence. Remembering every time he fucked you harshly was enough to quicken your pace with your fingers, your walls clenching around them and your orgasm closely approaching. 

Your other hand groped your breasts, flicking your nipple and massaging them while the other was thrusting in and out of your needy cunt. You were completely in your own euphoria, the world completely fading away from you. Unfortunately for you, that euphoria is only short-lived. 

An annoying sound ran throughout your room, the culprit being your cell phone. You groaned with disappointment as you attempted to pry your fingers out of your pussy and your orgasm fading away with every time the ringtone chimed. 

With your slick-covered hands, you read the text and your blood started to run cold from the words that were displayed on the screen. 

[Jungkook ♡]

- Hi babe, I’m coming home bc I forgot my boxing bag.

- Sorry that this was sudden

- Actually, I’m outside the apartment rn

You’re fucked. Absolutely fucked. But lucky, you still had a minute to spare to make it seem like you weren’t doing anything. You put his boxing glove back in the bag and wobbled downstairs to the front door. The door locks started to jingle and you immediately opened them just for him to take his bag and go. You love him with all of your heart but now’s not the time to chat with him. 

“Hey Y/N, do you have my bag?” he asked across from you, looking as good as ever. You forced a smile and shoved his bag in front of your face.

“Yeah, it’s this one right? So, here it is so you can get going now! Goodbye!” you grinned, sweat dripping down your face. 

Jungkook looked puzzled on why you were acting that way but decided to go along with it. “O-okay, thanks.” 

“Of course! Now, you should get going now! Your boxing rehearsal isn’t going to wait forever, is it?” you chuckled, trying to push him out of the door but he didn’t budge. After taking a quick glance at you (more specifically your legs and the amount of slick dripping down), he decided to stay. 

“Woah, woah, there’s something going on. Let me in,” he said stubbornly, pushing against you to get inside the apartment.  

“What are you talking about? There’s literally nothing going on! You should go back to the boxing place!” you argued but he wouldn’t listen. Jungkook grabbed your hand and pulled you upstairs into the bedroom and set you down, looking straight into your eyes. You immediately blushed as his eyes held such confusion and hunger inside. 

“Don’t lie to me, only bad girls lie. So tell me baby, what exactly is going on?”

Surely he didn’t know right? You still have some time to lie because there’s no way he knows. 

“I was taking a nap before you texted me.” 

“Without your panties on and a shit ton of slick dripping down your thighs?” he asked with confusion, pulling up your skirt and revealing your soaking pussy, throbbing due to the atmosphere. At this point, you were absolutely stuck in a corner as Jungkook stared at the way you’re completely aroused. 

“Ahh, um..” “Are you cheating on me, Y/N?” His eyes were now full of sadness and hurt and you could immediately feel your heart start to break. 

“N-no! Of course not! I would never cheat on you, you’re the one who I love! It’s just because..” you tried to get the idea out of his head, holding his hands tightly. Jungkook’s face brightened up a bit before being replaced with suspicion.

“So, what’s up? What were you doing while I left?” There was absolutely no talking yourself out of this because Jungkook would find out either way at this point. But at least it’s better than making up a stupid lie, right? “I..um..remember how you said you wanted to see me touch myself yesterday?” “Of course.” “Well...I was doing that..” you mumbled with embarrassment, avoiding his eye contact. Jungkook’s ears picked up what you said and his face lit up with excitement and desire. 

“Say that again for me?” he smirked, loving how soft and shy you were now.   

“I..was touching myself while I was thinking of you,” you said a bit loudly but it was still so embarrassing. You had no idea why he was all so happy right now but it made you happy nonetheless.

“Do you think you can show me?” he grinned, staring up into your eyes. 

“What?! N-no! It’s private right? You see, it’s private for a reason! Now you got your bag and figured out why I was acting weird so you can go now!” you snapped, heat automatically filling up your body. 

“It’s okay, I can skip practice today. This is important, why didn’t you tell me?” “It’s not something I should tell you.” “Anyways, you’ve been a bad girl today. Touching yourself while thinking of me, you’re so naughty. So your punishment is to reenact what you did before I came back and I’m not leaving until I see you touch yourself. But don’t worry, if you need help then I’m always here,” Jungkook purred, his dominant persona on. You gulped down a lump down your throat but you weren’t ready to back down to him yet. 

“No I’m not! I’m not giving up my dignity just yet!” “Come on, little girl. I know you were fucking yourself like a little whore while you were gone. Did your tiny little fingers fill you up completely, better than my cock? I know you didn’t because even though you’re a whore, you’re still such a slut for my dick.” His dirty words made you even more turned on than normal with even more slick running down your thighs. You knew it was better to obey, especially since he’s talking like this. With that being said, you scooted yourself with the back of your head hitting the bed frame. After a minute of hesitation, you lifted up your skirt which revealed your whole pussy to him. Jungkook stared intently, noticing every little twitch that it made as it’s longing for something to be inside it and how wet it has become. His lips were curled into a smirk as your fingers started to graze over your folds. 

Taking a deep breath, you inserted two of your fingers to aid the throbbing in your core. It felt  different than when you did it before, maybe due to Jungkook staring at every little movement you made.

Despite your initial refusal, having him watch over you turned you on even more and the throbbing only continued to get worse after you slowly started to move your fingers. You didn’t know how much it turned you and him on, judging from his erection in his pants. 

“Ahh, oh my god,” you moaned, adding an additional finger and groping your boobs with your other hand.

Jungkook’s mouth was in shock, shocked at how you can look so sexy touching yourself even though it was your first time. His dick was begging to be released in his now tight sweatpants but just watching you like this was more than enough.

He’s never admitted it directly to you but surprisingly, he’s such a voyeur and seeing you wrecked with only your fingers or even a toy could make him cum as hard as him actually fucking you.

“J-Jungkook, please…” you mewled, rocking your hips against your small hands in an attempt to hit your g-spot, where only your boyfriend knows. 

By now, you’ve inserted your whole hand inside of your core and it still wasn’t as satisfying as Jungkook’s long fingers inside you. You should’ve been embarrassed that his vision was at you masterbating but frankly, you didn’t care anymore.

“Shit baby girl, just like that, fucking ruin yourself,” he grunted, slightly stroking his hardened member through his sweatpants. 

“I want your mouth on me,” you cried, slowly starting to feel the same ecstatic feeling of your release. The way his eyes were set on you alone brings you closer to your high as you’re practically grinding on your hand. 

Luckily, Jungkook heard your wish and immediately brought his face down to your core, taking your fingers out and licking your clit like there was no tomorrow. His face was completely buried with the goal of eating you out and getting your cum out of you. It wasn’t a thought that ever crossed your mind but you never realized how much better Jungkook made you feel and how the throbbing seemed to go away after he was with you. His face was absolutely covered in your juices and adding to his warm mouth were his long fingers. 

“You like that don’t you, you slutty little girl?” he hummed, the vibrations of his mouth making you even more closer to the edge. You gripped onto his arm tightly, your fingernails dragging along his muscles due to how much he was giving you. 

You felt his fingers curl against you, hitting your g-spot and bringing you closer to your climax. It felt too good and you were craving to be ruined by him. Jungkook stared at the way you were shoving his hand amongst your tight little cunt, grinding on it as you try to reach your high and the squelching sounds it made. 

Within seconds, you were close to your orgasm and you were trying to chase after it feverishly. His tongue and his fingers were too much for you, even though you received them last night. They made you feel so satisfied and full, always filling you up to the edge and the way he was hitting every spot nearly made you cream all over his fingers. 

Unfortunately for you, he immediately pulled his fingers and mouth away, completely denying you of releasing. The hot feeling and intensity disappeared instantly and was replaced by the familiar throbbing as you let out a groan of disappointment. This was the second time you’ve lost your orgasm and you just wanted to release on him once more. 

“Why did you stop? I was going to-” you growled, your face heating up due to the increased temperature inside. 

“You’re not going to cum when I’m away. Is that a rule you can follow?” he said sharply, licking every remain of your juices off his face and wiping the excess with a tissue. 

“W-why?” “Instead, I want you to send me a video touching yourself but not cumming until my match. Is that an order my little girl can do?” 

You absolutely hated the fact that you won’t be releasing for a while but you didn’t want to get him mad. All you can do is just accept your fate and nod. 

“There you go, don’t worry, I’m going to make you feel so good once I win,” he grinned, kissing you passionately. You could immediately taste yourself on his lips and felt his hardened member upon you. There were more things that the two of you would’ve done but he wouldn’t allow that to happen. 

“Well then, I’ll be off. You’ll behave, right?” he parted cheerily, grabbing his bag and leaving the apartment like he didn’t just completely ate you out and denied your orgasm for the second time. As you heard the door lock, you’re left with your skirt drenched from your juices and the aching feeling between your legs. 

Oh the things that Jungkook does to you. But what would happen if you gave him a little surprise during his boxing match. Surely, you weren’t that submissive and besides, it would be fun to tease him..

“You did great man!” Taehyung cheered, high-fiving Jungkook as soon as his match ended. He shared the same with a bunny-like smile and went inside the locker room to clean up to see you. Not only did he win but he’s going to be staying with you for a while now. 

With a bright spirit, he unlocked his locker and opened his phone to a text message from you. There was an attachment with a seemingly innocent message but once he opened the video, it only fueled his desire. 

[Y/N ♡]

- I miss you so much 

Inside of the video was you fucking yourself with your fingers, high-pitched and incoherent whimpers coming out of you and from the looks of it, it was like you’re about to reach your climax. 

Within the last few seconds, it cuts to you creaming all over the bed and licking your juices off of your fingers seductively with a cute wink at the end. All of that just to rile and tease him. 

Shit, the things that this girl does to me, Jungkook sighs, feeling his member starting to grow inside of his pants again. They were simple instructions yet you can’t obey properly. Maybe it was due to you being a brat and wanting to be put in your place again. 

Well, if there’s one thing that you and Jungkook know, is that you’ll certainly not walk the next day.

a/n: honestly, i’m not too proud of this but i hope you liked it regardless! let me know what you think and have a great day <3

[drivingsideways]

in search of a better dream

This is about three pieces of South Korean media that crossed my path recently: the dramas Search WWW and Flower of Evil, and the novel Kim Ji Young, Born 1982.

Disclaimer and context : I'm not Korean, I don't speak the language, and I've watched a very limited set of kdramas. The criticisms I make in this piece are not to single out kdramas, or kdrama fandom,  as what I've described exists in Western and other Asian media and fandoms as well.

 Under the cut for length:

There's a scene in the first episode of the hit 2020 k-drama "Flower of Evil" that made me want to quit watching the show within the first ten minutes. The scene goes like this: our protagonists, Cha Ji Won and Baek Hee Seung meet Baek Hee Seung's parents along with their four year old daughter. The occasion is Baek Hee Seung's birthday, and loving wife Cha Ji Won has set up a special birthday dinner for them. On the way to the restaurant, the daughter has already complained about how she's scared of her grandparents, and they don't like her. When we meet the grandparents, we see the truth of this- they are as cold as the Arctic to all three, but especially to their daughter-in-law and granddaughter. In a bid to smooth out the social awkwardness, Cha Ji Won instructs her daughter to greet her grandparents the way they had "practiced" earlier- a cutesy little greeting where the adorable Eun-ha makes a heart over her head and chirps "I love you grandma and grandpa". When this fails to soften them, Eun-ha retreats, looking scared and disappointed. Not to worry, Cha Ji Won has this completely figured out: if you try harder, she tells her four year old daughter, they'll eventually love you.

Reader, I was, as they say, mad.

We find out soon enough that this stellar bit of parenting follows from an abiding principle in Cha Ji Won's life. Her romance with Baek Hee Seung starts when a handsome oppa walks into the family store, and is a saga of her stalking and pursuing a man who repeatedly tells her he's not interested, until he finally gives in. The power of her persistence pays off when the emotionally distant and abrasive man, in a classic beauty-and-the-beast transition, becomes a loving boyfriend, and then later, husband and father. It's a fantasy- some might even say feminist fantasy come true- he's handsome, supportive, reliable, artistic,  the primary housekeeper and caretaker of their daughter while she pursues her demanding "dream" job as a police officer, and they have enough money to live in a charming and lovingly set up two-storeyed house in ruinously expensive Seoul. This is heterosexual female wish fulfilment at its peak, and it is all made possible because she persevered.

It all threatens to come apart with the discovery of the perfect man's dark past- for a brief period, she's forced to contemplate the idea that he's actually a serial killer who's conned her for the entirety of their relationship of fourteen years; that the perfect life was, in fact, a lie.  

However, since this is written and billed as romance melodrama, this horror is short-lived. As the story progresses through increasingly improbable, violent and sometimes downright hilarious twists and turns, we grow closer to the (inevitable) happy ending. Baek Hee Seung/ Do Hyun Soo is no killer, just a traumatized child with a horrific past. The lies are the result of psychological damage inflicted by a society that unfairly deemed him a monster; the cage of repressed emotions that he'd locked himself in needed only the unshakeable conviction of Cha Ji Won's love to be broken open. "I wish you could see yourself as I see you" she tells him, in one of the show's endless supply of tearfully emotional moments, "I wish you could understand yourself the way I understand you."

This framework continues right to the end, when a bout of short term amnesia (!!) has Do Hyun Soo questioning himself and her: do you know, he asks her, when I'm lying to you, and when I'm not, because I don't.  The show answers that almost immediately- it doesn't matter, because it's her vision of him that he wants to be; in other words, he chooses the version of himself that she wants. The horror of the lie was a red herring, Cha Ji Won was right from the start about her husband- all it took was the power of her love and her perseverance to overcome the lie at the heart of her marriage,  to restore it to its previous shape- quite literally. The dream house they built together, which was destroyed by the villain, is shown in the last shots as unchanged from how it was in the beginning. One of the last shots we have of the couple is of them kissing in the artisan husband's workshop, an almost perfect recreation of the first time we see them. Paradise Regained, and all of us- and Cha Ji Won- can breathe a sigh of relief. You, the twenty-first century woman, are the architect of your own fantasy and can have it all. What could be more powerful than that?

 In Kim Ji Young, Born 1982 , a novel published in 2016, and often credited with kickstarting a new conversation about feminism in South Korea, the eponymous protagonist's story is also one of perseverance. It's a starkly written tale, an everywoman tale, a dryly narrated fact finding mission report complete with citations and references, about a woman born in the late twentieth century into a rigidly patriarchal culture, whose very existence is an aberration- her parents didn’t opt for a sex-selective abortion unlike many of their contemporaries when they found that their second child would also be a girl. Kim Ji Young, like the rest of us, grows up immersed in a misogynist culture. Even before she understands it, she learns to work around it and through it, rationalizing the micro-aggressions, burying the anger at the casual and institutional sexism that permeates her life, compromising and coping with it all, and achieving some semblance of having it all: a job, a decent, loving husband, a child. However, it's when motherhood arrives that it all falls apart- Kim Ji Young, faced with the exhausting carework of having a baby at home and another regular, full time job, does what so many women in her position do- quits her "outside" job for her parenting one. Fighting exhaustion and depression, a casually cruel and misogynist remark from a stranger in a park proves to be the proverbial final straw; Kim Ji Young suffers a mental breakdown, dissociating herself completely from her own life, and "seamlessly, flawlessly" taking on the personalities of other women she's known- her mother, her friend, her colleague. The novel ends with a narrative twist that's both horrifying and appropriate:  we learn that our narrator is actually her male psychiatrist. Kim Ji Young doesn't even get to be the voice of her own story; instead, it is told by a man cocooned in his own privilege, who displays the same paternalistic and misogynist behaviour that he correctly identified as the cause of her breakdown.

There is no escape here for Kim Ji Young save that of a complete break from reality. In the light of the narrative that leads her to that point, it feels both inevitable and even more horrifically, a blessing. This is a horror story told as it is shorn of any hope; the ending is death or insanity.

Reading Kim Ji Young, Born 1982 was to confront the familiar and heart-breaking and horrific neatly distilled into 200 odd pages; it's "fiction", but not really. My only surprise was how similar the culture described there was to my own in specifics; how incidents in Kim Ji Young's life were things I had actually experienced myself or seen other women experience, in a country several thousand miles away.

I read this novel just after watching the 2019's Search WWW, a show with a bit of a cult following, I think. Before I started watching it, one friend assured me that I would love it, that it was made for me; another said that  she dropped it because it "rang false" to her at the time. I've seen the show described several times as a feminist power fantasy, sometimes, if the reviewer wanted to demean it, with the qualifier, unrealistic.

This seemed an odd sort of criticism to me- after all, who turns to k-drama romances or really, any romance, for realism? Female wish fulfilment, which is the cornerstone of romance as a genre, whether in books or film, is still written and recognized as fantasy. So what was particularly unreal about Search WWW?

Well, simply put, it is written like the patriarchy doesn't matter, and has never existed.

The three female protagonists are all in their thirties, in powerful positions in their careers. As such, they are constantly walking into meetings where women speak more than 33% of the time. There are men in the room, but they never outnumber the women, and they don't silence the women.

The interests and decisions and choices  of women in the show- even the lead antagonist, who is an older woman whom we often see casually making beefy young men pose nude for her paintings- matter, not just to domestic and private realms, but to society at large; the antagonist is a power broker whose reach goes right up to the highest echelons of the country's politics; the younger women's ethical choices directly affect the republic's functioning as a democracy.

What about the men? It's not that they've been ignored; it's just that their place in the narrative has been decentered. Do with that what you will, the writer seems to say, as she writes in speaking roles for women wherever possible—every second side character is a woman— I have no time or inclination to justify that choice.

As for romance- it's not just that two of the three romances fall into the "noona romance" category, which is subversive in itself. It's that the power of decision making in these relationships clearly rests with the women.

In the "main" romance track, in a reversal of the usual trope, the woman is the one who is emotionally unavailable, and whom the man has to convince to take a chance on their relationship. What was hugely refreshing was that the reason for her emotional unavailability isn't trauma, that the man has to help her heal from, unlike the gender reversed versions we often see, eg in Flower of Evil. Instead, it's a difference in perspective that has its roots in the years of experience she has compared to him; it's the difference in life perspective of a twenty something man, and an almost-40 woman. She considers the implications and possibilities of entering into a relationship with a man who wants marriage and kids, while she doesn't want either and is unlikely to want them in the future. She thinks through it, and sees the pitfalls of it, perhaps all too clearly. In the end, when she makes a decision to commit, it's with the understanding that she's choosing to live in the moment, that he makes her happy; that they make each other happy and it is worth something, even if it doesn't last.  But both of them understand that her happiness is not centered in him or their relationship being successful. The other two romances end on a similarly open note- the possibility of love with the man you just divorced, but there's no hurry to get there; and a long distance relationship that may or may not last the two years of military conscription the man has to undergo.

The happily ever after in this series is not the perfect heterosexual family unit; it was always going to be the complicated, thorny and intense queerplatonic relationship between the three women, who, in the end, literally drive off along an endless open road under a blue, blue sky, to "a place with no red lights", as one of them describes it.

For a week after watching Search WWW, I wandered around in a daze. How did this show get written, I kept asking myself? How did it get produced? Aired??? What magic was worked to put it in my eyeballs, and how can it keep happening?

That feeling intensified when I read Kim Ji Young, Born 1982. But the book also provided the answer, at least to the first question. Because it is Kim Ji Young's voice in Search WWW. This is the fantasy that Kim Ji Young would have wanted to live in; a society and a life where she's seen as a person, entire, and it's not something she has to fight every day for. The gigantic leap of imagination that the writer of Search WWW took was only because that fantasy has been yearned for, in a way only a person growing up in Kim Ji Young's world- our world- could.

"Flower of Evil"- and other dramas like it— are also, undeniably, products of this world. It's unsurprising to me that in many ways, Cha Ji Won's little fantasy domestic world in Flower of Evil, on the surface, looks exactly like a post-feminist world. If the real revolution is men doing housework and childcare, then that fantasy has already been achieved on the individual level for Cha Ji Won. Sure, she's the only female member on her squad, and maybe the entire police force, for all you see women in her workplace. Sure, the other female characters with speaking roles exist mostly to be tortured for manpain by the narrative or literally by men as part of the plot. She seems to have no friends outside of work, which means that all her friends are men. As for relationships with other women, except her mother, who exists mostly to share the burden of childcare, and her mom-in- law who turns out to be an evil sort herself, there are none. When she meets her sister-in-law, the entire scene gives off a strange catfight vibe- her sister in law is the only other woman who can legitimately be said to have a claim on knowing the real Do Hyun Soo, and Cha Ji Won's reaction is to deny that claim and tell her to buzz off, basically. "I'm his family now" she tells her sister in law, "He has a wife"; firmly establishing the primacy of a heterosexual romantic relationship over all others.

Her "dream" job means nothing much despite the work she has put in to get it; for most part of the narrative she ends up betraying every professional ethic and her squad- her only friends. Of course, she is easily forgiven for it, without doing any of the work to earn that forgiveness, but that's really because who has the narrative time to develop those relationships which do not matter, like her work, which is shown up for the narrative prop it is, just like her daughter?  Even her sociopath (but not really, poor baby) husband ends the series with a tentative sort of friendship with a person he's not married to, but not Cha Ji Won, whose entire world by the end of the series has narrowed down to the four walls of her perfect little house and her perfectly-rescued husband. "I can't be happy if he's not happy," she tells her mother, who suggests that maybe it's time she let go of her not-so-perfect husband. "So please accept him."

In the end, the fantasy is based on this : self-improvement as the winning strategy, not structural change. Try hard enough and you'll get what you want. In the fine print, easily ignored: as long as what you want falls within the bounds of heteronormative patriarchal standards. It's an attitude that is passed down to the next generation; Cha Ji Won's early conversation with her daughter is an example.

The writer's vision is clear- what could have been an interesting and intimate look at our deepest fears in a relationship- that the other person will see us for who we are and horror-struck, leave; or even a deconstruction of the heterosexual woman's fantasy of The Perfect Man, is instead a tired repetition of the Beauty-and-the-Beast trope. You can dress it up and put a gun-toting, career woman wig on it, but that disguise falls apart pretty quickly. Cha Ji Won openly states not once, but several times, that she would rather live the comfortable lie; it's only when even that isn't an option- and not because of her choice or agency, but circumstances and the man coming to a decision, that she begins to let go. But only for a little while- barely ten minutes in show time- because ultimately, this is a female wish fulfilment fantasy, isn't it? Her longsuffering perseverance is rewarded when he decides to mould himself to her fantasy version of him, and the past is erased, and time reset, complete with soft lighting and soaring soundtrack.

Some love stories are horror stories, but others are horror stories masquerading as love stories. Why are we so often sold the latter, and so accepting of the narrative gaslighting? When I look at the popularity of Search WWW vs Flower of Evil, I feel bitter despair and quite a lot of anger. Why do so many women- and it is women, who are producing this work, for women, primarily (I mean, romance, as a genre)- settle for so little? It's the twenty first century, I think, why are we still here, I rage, gnashing my teeth, and indulging in the vicious satisfaction of giving Flower of Evil a single star rating that will make not a dent in its popularity. If we can't demand and aspire to a better class of fantasy, what hope do we have? As you dream, so you will do.

I often think that these days feminism is made toothless because we're shaping it into something that will validate every little feeling of ours;  we don't want to be made uncomfortable by it. But feminism is not meant to make anyone comfortable; interrogating your own desires and pleasures is as much a part of smashing the patriarchy as fighting for fundamental human rights like bodily autonomy.

I guess, in the end, what I want to say is this: for the love of sanity, dream better.

[havethetimeofyourstyles]

Chapter Five. Missed You

the scene is set in 1956, a young man moved to Hollywood to follow his dreams of becoming an actor. But with little money and a struggle to keep his apartment, he is approached by a man who offers him a job at Sweetland.

a/n: hopefully this will mend your hearts from the last chapter! this chapter is dedicated to my best friend ira @stylesloveclub who is quite literally my real life Frances, ily :’)

SERIES MASTERLIST | JOIN THE TAGLIST chapter word count: 9.2k

warnings: biphobia, y/n going tf off, and fluff

LETS TALK ABOUT CN! let me know your thoughts!

pls rb to share! <3

It’s been a while since you ever felt happy again. 

You missed the way you would laugh with your friends freely, or the way you feel yourself blush, making the corners of your lips turn up into a smile. But ever since that day, something inside of you switched. 

Ever since that day, you weren’t the same person anymore. You held so much pain and anger inside of your heart that there couldn’t have possibly been anyone to switch that back to your normal, besides one person of course. 

But the pain and anger wasn’t just from that one day; it was the built up emotions you kept inside of you for years causing you to lash out, and that day was the last straw. 

A week after that horrid day, you were able to get out of bed as you left your ruffled warm sheets and tear damped pillowcases. Frances and Alice had told the staff you weren’t feeling well that entire week, and luckily they understood and were able to find a replacement for your class. 

You didn’t get out of your room until everyone in the house had left in the morning, which was about eight a.m, and you were locked away in your room before they were able to see you as they arrived home. You really didn’t want to see anyone; the presence of any other breathing soul was out of your favor during that week as you just wanted to wallow your way through the days. 

You figured, after that week, that you needed to get back to work. It wasn’t like you to be so in your feelings and to practically stay in bed for an entire week, but the pain was so very different from anything else you’ve ever felt. You missed him dearly, that’s a given. And if you couldn’t be with him, then you were fine with just being friends. His presence around you is what you really wanted; you just needed him to be around, but you couldn’t get into contact with him--it was like he fell on the face of the earth. 

On your first day back, you had a morning class as did Frances, so she wanted to pick you up and get coffee before you both headed to work. Alice had a class later that day, so it was just the two of you. But you enjoyed spending time with them individually. 

“Hey, doll! Hop in,” Frances smiled, tapping the leather seat beside her, and you got into her lavender Chevrolet convertible. 

“Thanks for picking me up,” you said softly, looking at her. She smiled, turning your head to look at you, and finding such a heartbroken woman who desperately needed some sleep from the heartache and exhaustion. 

“Anything for you,” she said back, grabbing your hand as she drove. 

Frances had picked you up an hour earlier than when classes began, wanting to just talk and listen to you, and if you didn’t want to do either, she just wanted to keep you company, wanting to be there for you.

The car was parked on the curb in front of the coffeehouse, which was around the corner from the studio. As you walked in, you were met with the aroma of fresh brewed coffee; the scent filled your senses as you felt as if you were in a cabin in front of the fire on a cold day. It was definitely not a cold day as you wore black shorts that stopped mid thigh and a cropped black t-shirt; Frances was wearing the same, but she wore white shorts and a baby purple cropped tee, and you loved how much she loved the color lavender. 

“Go find us a table,” she said, insisting on paying for the coffee. The coffeehouse wasn’t that packed—a few people working as they wrote or read the newspaper. 

You found a seat next to the window on the side of the shop, and waited for your hot drink as you watched the sun proceed to get brighter and brighter as the minutes went by, and you were too distracted to notice Frances sitting in front of you, drinking her coffee, and you assumed she might’ve been sitting in front of you for a while. 

“Thank you for the coffee,” you said, picking the hot drink up and blowing on it for it to cool down. 

“Of course.” 

It was completely silent between you two as you both drank your coffees and enjoyed the comfortable silence. It was times like these where you appreciated Frances. Without a doubt you love your little group, but when the three of you are together, it can be very chaotic—fun but chaotic to the point where you’re a bit overwhelmed. But with Frances, you were able to be comfortable in just sitting across from one another without saying a word. She knew how to have fun agreeably, but she knew how to be that friend that let you take your time or to simply just keep you company when you’re feeling lonely. 

After a while, you looked at her, and she was already looking at you, but her eyes perked up and she had a bright smile on her face. 

“Thank you again, doll-”

“You need to stop thanking me,” she giggled, causing the corners of your mouth to turn up slightly. 

“I mean it though. I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done—Alice too. You always call me to see if I’m fine, and you picked me up, like that’s so sweet of you,” you said, tears welling up in your eyes. She reached her hand across the table to hold yours. 

“Of course, I’m gonna be here for you. We’re best friends—have been for years now. And you’ve been through a lot. It’s time we hold some of the weight for you,” she said with a small nod. Her words caused the tears in your eyes to fall, like they triggered them to flow as they pleased because you’ve been wanting to hear those words for a long while now. 

“You’re the best. I’m so thankful for you,” you said as you tried to contain your sobs. Frances got up from her seat and walked over to your side as you scored to the seat next to you so she could sit on the seat you were in prior. 

She hugged you into her chest as you quietly sobbed into her neck while she soothed your back to comfort you. To outsiders, they were probably thinking how early it is for a breakdown, and you agreed, it was too early. However, you were in a bubble with your greatest friend as she was combing through your hair, comforting you through your greatest pain, and the outside world meant nothing at the moment. 

It was 10 minutes before class started when you and Frances entered the studio the week after locking yourself up; Susan greeted you with a big smile as Frances said she’ll see you after class and walked down the opposite hallway. 

“Welcome back, lady,” she had said with bright eyes. You softly smiled at her, immediately regretted agreeing to any social interaction--not that Susan wasn’t the sweetest person you’ve met, but you were still broken and sad. 

“Hi, Susan,” you said to her as a pained smile on your face as you walked by her desk. But before you walked any further down the hall to your class, you backed up slightly to stand next to the reception desk. Her brows raised, waiting for you to speak. “Uh, did I happen to get any calls while I was away? Did someone call for me?” You asked warily, not knowing what answer you wanted to hear. 

“Nope. No calls were made for you. It was a pretty slow week,” she replied back, her usual smile on her face. Your heart sank a little, hoping a certain someone would have called you. 

“Tell me about it,” you had muttered under your breath. “Thank you though,” you spoke directly to her before you walked away. 

And it was like that for the longest time; you asking Susan if you had gotten any calls after each class and her saying no. You figured she had caught on a bit from your constant asking, but it was a bit upsetting to hear that no every single time. You just wanted a single call from him; to ask him if he was okay, where he’s been, and to simply just hear his voice. 

The voice that had brought you immediate comfort and ease from your crazy and busy life. The sound that was music to your ears when he laughed or talked to you in his deep sultry voice. And you just wanted him to tell you that he was okay. You could practically hear his voice in your head as if it were the only sound you memorized. The way he said ‘sweet girl’ was like the line in a song that you would  repeat over and over again because it just gave you ultimate chills. 

You heard so crisp and so clearly; he would say ‘sweet girl, I’m doing okay. Don’t worry about me.’ But you couldn’t help but worry about him. 

You missed your honey dearly. 

And you continued missing him. 

Up until now, you hadn’t stopped thinking about him. Six months later, there was just something about him that never left your mind and especially your heart. The hole in your chest was enough to explain to yourself how you felt, and it wasn’t normal to feel this way. 

“Hey! I know you’re in your feelings at the moment, but would you please sing along with us?” Alice asked from the seat next to you as you heard Frances mutter a ‘please’ from the backseat. 

You three were on your way to San Diego for a little trip girls trip. Although it was January and the weather would most likely be cold, you three were still on break as the studio hadn’t resumed classes just yet because of the holiday. But they would be back on next week, so you three wanted to have a mini getaway for a little bit before you have to go back to reality. 

“Okay, okay,” you playfully rolled your eyes at them as they saw your little gesture through your sunglasses. 

The three of you sang along to Elvis as you drove to San Diego. It was still quite sunny despite the month being January, but the air was crisp and cool. Cold enough so you could wear a sweater and some pants since California cold is cold to Californians. 

The drive was about a four hour drive from Beverly Hills, and you three stayed at a hotel walking distance from La Jolla beach. The trip was only three days because what’s really there to do besides go to the beach everyday, especially when it was cold out. 

“Okay, dolls, are we ready to go?” Alice asked you and Frances as you all settled into the hotel. You two nodded excitedly, grabbing your towels and blankets before heading out of the hotel and to the beach. 

You all figured out that the water was way too cold for a swim, but the sun was bright still as you three sat on your towels, all facing each other. You had bought some fruit for a little market that was on the way to the beach. 

“Think we picked a good spot--so many cute people around,” Frances said. You looked around to observe some of the men and women that were relaxing on the sand or in their swimsuits. You nodded in agreement as you took a bite out of your watermelon slice. 

“Ooh! I think that lady is looking at you doll,” Alice said excitedly. You looked at her and she pointed her head to the direction of the woman, and you turned your head slowly to find a beautiful woman in her swimsuit, smiling and waving at you. Politely, you smiled back at her. 

“Are you going to go talk to her?” Frances asked, and you shrugged. 

You knew that they were just trying to help the heartache in your chest that has been mending for the last six months. But if you still felt the same amount of pain as you did six months ago, you weren’t quite ready to move on yet. 

“Think you need that, doll. How are you gonna move on if the only people you really socialize with are us two?” Alice said, and she had a point. It was difficult to move past everything because you’ve locked yourself away and only limited yourself to some social interaction with people you already know. “It’ll be a nice change. And if you don’t want to talk to her, then come back here and you could talk to us! At least you tried,” Alice reassured you, and Frances nodded alongside her. 

You smiled softly at the both of them, and slowly nodded. You at least wanted to try, and being somewhere that’s four hours away from your home was a nice start. Handing your fruit to Frances, not wanting your fruit to get a sand flavor, and you got up. Your girls cheered you on, yelling out ‘that’s the spirit!’ and ‘so proud of you, doll’ as you slowly walked over to the woman who was sitting in her beach chair.

“Hi,” you nervously said to the woman. 

“Hey, cutie. Was just looking at you,” she complimented with a smirk, looking up at you. 

“Uh, yeah. My friends told me,” you said, turning around to point to them. But you also turned around just to see their reassuring smiles because you were actually quite nervous. And when you saw them beaming, giving you a thumbs up, you turned back around. 

“Well, would you like to sit?” She offered, and you said a soft ‘okay’ before sitting down on the towel in front of her, practically at her feet. “I’m Catherine, by the way,” she said, sticking her hand out. She looked a bit older than you--probably in her late twenties. She had beautiful blonde hair that was put in a high ponytail as she wore a cream colored two piece swimsuit. 

“Nice to meet you,” you said, shaking her hand as you told her your name. 

“Such a beautiful name for you,” she winked at you, flirting with you slightly. 

For the next thirty minutes, you and Catherine got to know one another, and you thought she was nice; she was very friendly, often stealing some innocent touches to your shoulder or your arm as she laughed about god knows what you said. 

Suddenly, someone walked under the umbrella and Catherine handed the other woman a towel before she sat down on the beach chair next to Catherine’s. They smiled at each other, and you looked between them; a silence fell through you as they talked. 

“The water felt great,” the woman said, and Catherine smiled, roaming her hand on the woman’s arm as she did to you. 

“Oh, by the way. This is Milly, my girlfriend,” Catherine introduced. Your eyes widened, feeling shocked as she didn’t mention that she had a girlfriend when she was flirting with you and touching your arm. 

“Hi, uhm, I should get back to my friends then,” you stood up from your crouch position, dusting your bottom off from the sand that had gotten on the towel. 

“Wait, we actually want you to stay,” Milly said before you had a chance to walk away. “Catherine and I are together, but we were curious about exploring with another partner, and we both saw you sit with your friends, and thought you were absolutely gorgeous,” she explained. 

You blushed, a bit flustered from what she said. You’ve never explored with two partners before, and you were curious as to how that’ll go down. But in total honesty, you weren’t feeling it. 

“That’s nice of you, thank you for choosing me, I guess?” You chuckled, cursing at yourself for how dumb that sounded. “But to be honest, I’m a bit heartbroken at the moment, so I’m not in the mood,” you said honestly. 

“Oh no, how could some girl break your heart?” Catherine said, assuming that it was a girl that got you sad. 

“I-It wasn’t a girl, actually. It was a guy,” you corrected. Catherine and Milly looked at each other confusingly, and soon after Milly scoffed. 

“Wait, so you don’t like girls?” Milly asked, needing some sort of confirmation. 

“I do! I like men and women. I’m bisexual,” you said, crossing your arms in defense, feeling like this was all going to end badly. 

“You like both...” Catherine said shockingly and you nodded as you took deep breaths. You tried keeping yourself together, not wanting to make a scene at the beach as everyone was minding their own business, as you looked at them with a stern look. 

“So you just couldn’t choose,” Milly said. You gave her a scowl look, furrowing your brows as the two laughed slightly. 

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” you said, rolling your eyes. You turned around, not wanting to be around the presence of people who put you down for your sexuality. So, you walked through the sand back to your friends as they were about fifteen feet away from the two. As you walked you heard them call out to you. 

“We know being gay isn’t appreciated here, but you being greedy and liking both? Are you okay, sweetie?” They called out, followed by laughter. 

Alice and Frances looked at each other confusingly, wondering what the hell happened back there before you grabbed your fruit bowl from Frances hands and marched back over to them, squishing the watermelon cubes with your hands so the juices of the fruit spilled out, and the fruit itself turned into mush. They didn’t see you coming as they were still laughing and making jokes about your sexuality.

And before you knew what you were doing, you dumped the entire bowl onto Catherine’s head, watching the fruit spill down her hair and onto her body as she gasped loudly. Milly gasped as well, shocked that you did such a thing. 

“Next time you want to make fun of someone’s sexuality, think again. Don’t fuck with us, I mean it,” you warned as your voice was tough and strong; the complete opposite as what it was when you were talking to her. You walked away to your friends as you saw both of their jaws dropped with an amused look as they were still confused but totally backed you up on what you did, even if they haven’t gotten a clue why you did what you did. 

Once you got back to them, you picked up your purse and said, “Let’s go.” The both of them nodded, excited to hear what just happened as you all gathered your stuff as you heard curse from Catherine and Milly calling you a greedy and spoiled bitch. As you walked, you turned around, blowing them a kiss for shits and giggles.

“Oh my god! What the fuck just happened?!” Frances asked as she laughed. 

You three stopped in front of the hotel as they both followed your lead, sitting on the curb, both on your sides. As you took deep breaths, you had so much adrenaline from the events that had just happened, but not even a minute later, you started laughing hysterically, which Alice and Frances found amusing so they joined you. 

“Oh god…” you said once you calmed down. “That was such a rush--I’ve never done that before,” you told them, chuckling. 

“Well, you never do things without reason, so it must’ve been a great reason,” Alice said, leaning her elbows on her knees. 

You then proceeded to tell them what happened from the moment you walked over to Catherine to the moment you felt so uncomfortable as they practically bullied you because of your sexuality. 

“Yeah, she deserved that shit,” Frances said from next to you. 

“Definitely. Can people just get over themselves and mind their own damn business?” Alice scoffed, rolling her eyes as she scoffed, saying that she would have done a lot more than throwing fruit on her if she were you. 

“I’m so over people saying shit,” you said tiredly, wanting people to accept you as who you are, but in this day and age, it’s difficult to. 

“Don’t worry about them, doll. You’ve got us,” Frances said, giving you a hug and Alice joins in as well, and you tell them that you love them. You put your arms around your two best friends, thinking that this is the most fun you’ve had in a very long time. And even though it caused a scene where you had to ruin someone’s hair and their swimsuit as they said nasty things to you, you had your dolls by your side, reminding yourself that no matter where you are in life mentally and physically, you’ll always have them. 

And you appreciated that so much. 

After an eventful day to start the trip, you decided you needed a drink. So, you three found yourself at a bar in Downtown as you chatted among them in a booth as you ate peanuts and drank one too many ‘gin and sins’ that made you buzzed and fuzzed. 

But that didn’t stop you from ordering more for the three of you nor did that stop you from accepting cocktails from Alice because she kept ordering as well. And the only responsible one between the three of you was Frances, which isn’t old news. Sometimes she liked to get down and dirty, but she didn’t like to have too much alcohol in her system, which you totally respect. 

But ‘gin and sins’ were your favorite, and when you said you needed a drink, you needed a drink. 

“Alright, think that’s enough for the both of you,” Frances said, limiting you and Alice. 

“Noo,” you whined. “One more? Please?” You reach across the table, making grabby hands at Frances. Alice nodded next to you. She was more tipsy than drunk, and you on the other hand, were drunk. 

“You said that in the last four rounds! I’m cutting you off,” Frances said sternly, and your eyes widened. 

“Damn, okay,” you said, slowly sitting up. 

“We should go,” Alice suggested. 

“No, you know what we should do? We should dance!” You suggested an even better choice, getting up from your seat as you danced in front of your table, Frances and Alice got out of the booth as well. You were shaking and swiveling your hips in a sexy manner, or you’re trying to be, and you’re not aware of the people coming into the bar and the people sitting peacefully in their seats as some watched you with an amusing smile or a confused expression. But you didn’t give a fuck as you kept dancing. 

“Alright, dancing queen. Let’s go back to the hotel,” Alice said as you huffed and stopped dancing while you pouted. 

As you three were walking out, Alice and Frances on both of your sides, helping you walk, five people came in all at once, causing you all to move to the side and wait for them to clear the door. You watched them walk in, and suddenly your eyes widened and you were complete shock. 

Alice and Frances slightly rugged at you since you weren’t walking at all, but you told them to wait. 

“What’s wrong?” Frances asked, and you let both of your arms go from their hold. They followed your line of vision and looked at each other in confusion. 

“Doll?” Alice called out to you. 

“Harry…” 

“C’mon-” Frances said as she tried to interlace your arm with hers, but you interrupted her. 

“No!” You took your arm  away from her. “Harry is right there,” you pointed towards the bar, and their head turned. Tears were welling up in your eyes as you felt so overwhelmed from seeing him again for the first time in six months. 

Before you knew what your drunk self was doing, you started walking towards the bar, and your friends quickly followed behind as they tried to reach for your arms, but you pulled them away before they could even grasp it. Once you got to the bar, you leaned your left arm against it as you faced him. 

“Harry,” you simply said. The man turned towards you, looking at you confusingly, but you were still convinced that it was Harry right in front of you. “Listen…” you said, trailing your words off as you weren’t prepared whatsoever to have him in front of you. 

After a whole six months of figuring what you would say to him if you were to meet him again; going through the words in your head and falling asleep to the thought of talking to him again, you stood there with your mouth slightly open but no words fell through your lips. A sad expression was present on your face as your mending heart was pounding through your chest, begging him to heal you fully. 

He looked at you, wondering if you were going to say anything and possibly wondering why a random girl would go up to him and call him Harry. And it’s the fact that he wasn’t saying anything either is what hurt you too. But you decided to speak up because if you didn’t now, then you would regret it later. 

“Harry…I missed you,” you said, voice slightly cracking just as your heart was as well. “Six months without you was hell, and I never want to go through that again. But if you don’t want to see me anymore, then that’s fine,” you told him, voice coming out in a sad tone as you didn’t want to go through your days without having him in your life. 

“Doll, we should go,” Frances said as she and Alice lightly grabbed your arm and tugged you backwards. “I’m sorry,” you heard her tell him. 

“Wait,” you said, and you reached up to the man and kissed his cheek softly. You didn’t care if it was Harry or not, but you’ve had pent up emotions for so long that you just needed to let them out. And even if it was Harry, you weren’t going to leave him without kissing him, although you’d rather it be his lips than his cheek as you longed to feel his lips against yours again. 

You despised that your last kiss with him happened under those events that night. That it led to something so heartbreaking and painful that you didn’t know when you would feel his touch again. You didn’t get the chance to anticipate the next time you’d be in his arms again. That the last time you heard the words ‘sweet girl’ from his mouth was when he was trying to comfort you from the pain you were both about to endure. And it’s like a broken record in your head, playing over and over again, and you don’t want to fix the broken record because then your favorite sound would disappear into the midst of nothingness. 

Alice and Frances pulled you away from him as they guided you towards the exit and back to the hotel. Not surprising, but you cried the entire way to the room until your friends put you under the covers and wiped your makeup off as you told them how much you missed Harry and you just wanted to talk to him; that seeing him at the bar, even if it wasn’t him, had made the sadness in your chest come back because of how much you missed him. 

They simply didn’t know what to tell you but feel sad for you knowing how much pain you were in. They hated seeing you so upset to the point where you didn’t act like yourself anymore. But they will always remain by your side as they kept telling you that you were going to be okay. 

You woke up in a small state of panic as you weren’t aware of your surroundings and the feeling of the bed not being your own. With a slight headache and the taste of the alcohol on your tongue the night prior, there were continuous knocks on the door that made you roll your eyes and groan as it interrupted your state of deep slumber. 

Lazily, you got up and looked at the bed next to you to find it empty as Alice and Frances didn’t seem like they were in the room either. You assumed they probably went out to get some food and bring it back as they talked about, and you also assumed that they had forgotten the room key, which is why they were banging on the door at ten in the morning. 

“Okay, I’m coming, jeez!” You yelled out as you rubbed your eyes and lightly yawned, walking towards the door. You unlocked the door, opening it as you looked down because of the light and said, “Why must you knock on the door so loud?” Once your eyes adjusted from the brightness of the outside, it widened as the figure in front of you was not who you were expecting. 

You blinked a couple of times, not sure if you were dreaming or drunk as your jaw dropped, not expecting to see Harry in front of you. 

“Hi,” he simply said. It was a simple greeting and you wished he said a full on sentence just so you could hear his voice again, but something in you freaked out, causing you to slam the door in his face. 

“Oh my god…” you said to yourself as you paced the carpeted hotel room. You tugged on your hair, taking deep breaths as you muttered to yourself about how he can’t really be outside of your room right now and you were just hallucinating that he was here. But when you heard the knock again, you were taken back to reality as you jolted your head towards the door and realized that you completely shut the door in his face. “Fuck,” you muttered as you quickly walked towards the door, opening it once again and meeting his eyes. 

Harry gave you a small smile as he took in your presence again. It was a long six months of missing you and wishing you were in his arms again. He longed to see your pretty face and beautiful smile again, and being in front of you felt a bit overwhelming for him that his heart pounded and his eyes glossed. He truly couldn’t believe he was standing in front of you, and even in your wakened state, he still found you the most beautiful person ever. 

“Harry,” you said as if you were calling out to him, believing but not believing he was in your vision. 

“Uh, hi,” he said again hesitantly. He was definitely nervous, and you were too. 

“W-What…what are you doing here?” You asked, crossing your arms and subtly trying to fix your messy bed hair. But he looked great as usual; he wore a red and yellow striped t-shirt with some grey trousers, and pale yellow loafers. Harry was the type of person who could make anything look good, and you were absolutely jealous of him for that. He didn’t look all that different from when you last saw him; his hair was still the same, but he had a slight stubble on his jaw. 

“I came here to see you.” 

“How did you know I was here?” You leaned against the door, still debating in your head if you should invite him in or not. 

“Frances and Alice. They told me to come to your room last night,” he said, chuckling slightly. 

“Last night…” you said, not thinking anything of it. “Oh, last night!” You repeated, realizing that last night was the night you apparently saw him, and it seemed like you did. “Oh my god,” you said as you buried your face into your hands, groaning in embarrassment. “That really was you, huh?” You asked, not taking your hands away from your face, but separating your fingers as your eyes peeked out. 

“Yeah, it was me at the bar,” he said, giggling as he remembered the events that happened last night. 

“See, I knew it was you! I had the smallest doubt that it wasn’t but convinced myself that it was,” you shook your head, chuckling. “Wait, that means you heard everything, and I really kissed you,” you said as you gasped softly. Harry blushed in response as he smiled lightly at you. “How did you know I was there?” 

“I didn’t. I was there with some friends and I didn’t see you until you came up to me. Was completely surprised to be honest. And then Alice came up to me, after Frances dragged you away, to tell me to come up to your room today. So here I am,” he explained, which makes much more sense on why they disappeared in the morning and why Harry’s standing at your door. 

“Here you are,” you said softly. It briefly went silent between you two; so many unspoken words between you as you two wanted to blurt so many things out, but you really wanted to sit down and have a real and mature conversation with him. “So, uh, do you want to hang out today? Figured we have a lot to talk about.” 

“I’d love to. I’m free the whole day, so we can do anything,” he said, and you nodded. 

“Do you want to go down to the beach? I can just get ready quickly and we can hang out over there?” You asked nervously, even though he already said yes to hanging out with you. 

“Yeah, okay. That sounds great. I’ll, uh, wait for you out here?” He said, backing up slightly from the door frame so he’s completely standing outside. 

“Okay, cool,” you said, immediately slapping yourself mentally once those words came out of your mouth. Harry seemed to find that amusing as he laughed a bit as he saw you beating yourself up over what you had said. 

“Cool,” he said back, in a way to make you feel better about saying it, and your face had gone flustered as you slowly closed the door. 

“I’ll be quick.” 

“I’ll be right here.” 

You nodded your head as you closed the door, closing your eyes as you took the deepest breath that you were holding ever since you saw him. 

“Really? Cool?” You said to yourself, rolling your eyes as you groaned before you quickly got ready. 

You were ready in 15 minutes as you wore a plain white knitted sweater and some leggings, considering it was a bit breezy outside, and you and Harry walked to the beach. Luckily, the beach was only about a five minute walk, and the walk was filled with silence as nothing came out of both of your mouths. 

It was a nice day out considering the month still being winter, as the sun was out and slightly shining with the clouds present. You and Harry found a spot on the beach where there weren't that many people around to interrupt you both from your conversation. 

Laying the towel down, Harry helped you as he held the other end to straighten it out, and you two sat next to each other. There was a bit of space between you two, and it definitely felt weird that you didn’t close the gap to sit closer to him, but in all honesty, you didn’t know if that was crossing the line. Plus, you didn’t know where you two stood either. 

Your heart was pounding as you kept your hands in your lap from showing him how shakily nervous you were to be finally sitting next to him. And Harry was no better; he wasn’t saying anything because of the fact that he was also anxious as well. He was nervous that he would say the wrong thing to you, and he didn’t know if you were angry with him for disappearing for a whole six months. 

After ten minutes of looking out into the ocean as the sun lightly hit your skins, you finally spoke. 

“So…” you started, not finishing nor knowing what to say. Harry turned towards you, thankful that you were the one to start talking. “How are you, Harry?” You asked, and he somewhat cringed at the sound of his name as he missed the way ‘honey’ fell through your sweet lips. 

“I’m, uh, I’m doing okay. How are you?” He answered, and you just shrugged your shoulders as you sighed. “Are you doing okay?” 

“Y’know, I thought I was—doing okay. I mean, I was better than I was six months ago, but seeing you…” you said, looking him in the eye as memories of him leaving and running off came back to you. But you knew it wasn’t his fault; he did what he had and was told to do. “It just reminded me how much I missed you so much. And how much the last six months for me were hell because you weren’t around and I didn’t have contact with you,” you purse your lips, and Harry frowned, feeling guilty for not even calling you back. 

“I’m sorry-”

“No, no. Don’t be. I understand,” you interrupted, but he shook his head in disagreement. 

“Listen, not calling you was entirely my fault—I could’ve just…” he trailed off, not knowing how to word his thought properly. 

“Harry, what happened during those months? I called and called, I stayed in front of your apartment complex and waited for you for hours, but you never showed up,” you said, not meaning to make him feel bad, but you were telling the truth. Harry frowned even more, looking down onto his lap. 

Taking a deep breath, he looked up at you again as he spoke, “Okay. I’m going to tell you everything, just listen to what I have to say first before you decide if you want to be angry with me, alright?” 

You nodded, not saying anything as you waited to hear what he had to say. But you knew you weren’t going to get angry with him, you simply just wanted to hear what the hell happened to him and why he went M.I.A for six months. 

“After that night,” he started, not explaining any further of what that night was because you already knew, and it was hard to look and talk about what happened that day. “A few days later, I got a call from Shareen. She told me to come to the studio for a chat, and I thought it was going to be about the role. That maybe your father had a change of heart and decided to cast me, but I was wrong.” 

Your brows furrowed, already furious that Harry going missing could have possibly involved Richard and you despised him even more for that, but you continued listening. 

“I went to Shareen’s office, but she directed me to your father’s, and he said he wanted to talk to me. Was practically nervous at this point.” 

“Harry, what did he say?” You asked as you grew impatient. 

“Told me that if I stayed away from you, then he wouldn’t ruin the career that hadn’t even started. He said that he’s not going to cast me for the movie I auditioned for, but maybe the next one,” Harry said sadly, remembering how down he felt when he left his office and the studio. He was so close to having the career he wanted; so close to having his dream come true, but they were crushed right in front of him in the matter of seconds. 

“What the actual fuck…” you said in a calm manner as you were trying not to lash out in public and in front of Harry. 

“Hey, I’m so sorry. That’s the reason why I didn’t call because he told me to stay away, and it was hard to and I should’ve gone against his wishes, but it’s my career, y’know? I couldn’t risk not having my dream come true, and I hope you understand why I didn’t come to see you anymore. But know that it was a difficult decision to make because I was close to risking everything for you until Daren slapped some sense into me,” he explained quickly, not wanting you to be mad at him, but he would be if he were you. 

“No, no. I’m not mad at you,” you said as your hand touched his face, cupping his cheek. Harry immediately got chills from the contact, and he missed your touch dearly. “I understand why you did what you had to do. You made a sacrifice for yourself, so I would never be mad at you for that. If you were to give up everything for me, then I would be mad,” you said softly, looking at the man that has had your heart for the last months. 

“So, you’re not mad?” He asked, needing reassurance. 

“No, of course not, honey. I’m glad you had to do what was best for you,” you told him honestly. “Yeah, it hurt not being able to talk to you or see you, and practically not know where you were, but look at us now. We’re right in front of each other and that’s all that matters.” 

It was really all that mattered to you. You were never one to hold onto your anger and you were very forgiving in the sense, but being mad or upset at Harry didn’t exist because he did everything with good reason. 

Harry blushed at the sound of his pet name coming from your lips. Missing that name was an understatement; he longed to hear it again, and throughout those months, he had no idea when he would hear it, but now it was the sound of relief and reunion. 

“I’ve missed you calling me that,” he said, face being flustered. You moved to lay on your stomach, and he copied your actions as you two lay, facing each other. 

The sun was getting a bit brighter, so Harry pulled out his sunglasses, putting them on and you gave him a smile. You were already wearing white heart sunglasses, but you took your pair off and reached forward to take his sunglasses off, and put them on you. They were a pair of red lensed sunglasses that were heart shaped as well, and you adored them. Harry chuckled as you put your sunglasses on him. 

“These are like the glasses I would wear. Did you take them from me?” You teased, and Harry giggled, adjusting your white heart sunglasses on his face. 

“I bought them because they reminded me of you,” he said honestly, and you blushed, smiling at him softly. Your heart instantly swooned once he said those words, and all you wanted to do was kiss him. “They look better on you anyways,” he complimented. 

“Those look really good on you too,” you said back. You missed the back and forth, complimenting or banter with him. It was fun and light, and made you want more with him. It was something you thought about daily when you were away from him, and having it back made you feel so overwhelmed with happiness and joy. 

“So, what’s been going on with you?” He asked after the glances that you two made each other made him flustered. 

“Guess it’s my turn to tell my part, huh?” You chuckled, 

“Only if you want to. I’m here to listen if you’d like,” he said. You smiled, happy he never changed his mannerism. He’s always been a gentleman to you and everyone, and that’s one of the things you loved about him. 

“I wanna tell you,” you stated, and Harry nodded, waiting for you patiently to speak. “I wasn’t really doing okay, to be honest. I was a mess, and I haven’t really been myself since that day. Watching you leave was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and not knowing when I would see you again comes right next to it. After about two months, I finally talked to my father. That ended messy because he had all these plans for me with my ex, Chris, about business and marriage and I never wanted them. Then it got to the point where I was crying in front of him because you weren’t in my life anymore. And I’ve never cried in front of him before, so it was quite the surprise for him,” you ended with a chuckle, and Harry nodded his head throughout you speaking, listening to you intently and taking your words in. 

“Did things get better?” Harry asked, curiously, wondering if her father changed his attitude. 

“No. He said some shit about if I can’t tolerate him or proceed with his plans, then I should move out. So, I did just that.” Harry’s eyes widened, shocked but relieved because you were somewhat free. 

“You did?” 

“Yeah, I’ve been living with Frances for about four months now, but I might move out soon just to get out of her hair, so we can have her own space. But I’m better now than I was for my entire 23 years of life when I was in that house,” you said in almost a relief. You’ve practically been miserable in that household; filled with toxicity and loveless people. 

Jane had been sad to see you go, but she still encouraged you. She was the hardest one to say goodbye to, but she understood why you wanted to leave. There had been many tears as she watched you pack your suitcase into your car, and she sent you off with telling you to find the boy that “captured your heart.” 

“I’m proud of you for doing that. I know you didn’t tell me much about your family and how you grew up, but from what it seemed like, you weren’t happy there. So I’m glad you have your freedom now,” he said honestly with a smile, not wanting you to seem offended. And you weren’t because he was completely right. 

For a moment, you two shared glances and basked in the sun as you both laid under it. There was no action of moving closer than how you were now, but the thought of doing so made you both nervous. 

“Are you still working at Sweetland?” You asked suddenly but curiously, breaking the silence between you two as the outside world of the ocean and birds filled the words. 

“No, I’m not, actually. I quit about two months ago, but I still visit every week because I’ve grown quite attached to everyone there,” he said with a breathy laugh. 

“Why did you quit, if you don’t mind me asking?” 

“I kind of wanted a different job, and I wanted to do something I was good at. Not sure if sex is the answer to that,” he smirked, and your eyes widened. 

“Oh, you’re definitely good at sex-” you paused as your cheeks had gone flustered because of what you said. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that out loud, and that was definitely crossing-”

Harry interrupted your rambling by stroking your cheek with his thumb. The action had caught you by surprise, but it definitely shut your mouth up. His stare was so passionate and intense that you felt like you were being put under his spell. His spell of comfort and familiarity. The spell of love. But you had been under that spell since you met him, and there was no way he was going to reverse it. 

The thought of wanting to kiss him had never left your mind; you just wanted to pull him in for a kiss to relieve your need as the touch of his lips make you feel alive every time he kissed you. 

“I’ve missed you,” he said in a hushed voice for only you to hear. Despite the crowd being relatively loud as the time goes by and more people visit the beach, you felt like you were the only two to ever exist at the moment. There was no one around to pop the bubble you two created. 

“I’ve missed you so much more,” you whispered back, looking up and down from his lips and eyes. 

He was doing the same, although his gaze held a little longer onto your lips as he noticed your lips being like strawberry lipstick from the many lollipops you’ve probably eaten. But nonetheless, his favorite lips are yours. 

“I’m sorry for being so M.I.A,” he said once more. 

“Stop being sorry. You’re here now,” you grabbed his hand that was resting against the towel as your face cuddled more into his hand. 

“I was actually out of state. That’s why I wasn’t around.” Your brows raised, and he continued, “Went to go visit my mum in New York.” 

“Really?” He nodded. 

“Yeah. Hadn’t seen her in about a year, so I decided to save up a ton and go see her. Then I stayed for about two months, which was when I quit my job. I actually got back last week, and some guys at the shop wanted to make a trip down here, and then I saw you.”

“Yeah…” you said softly. 

“When I saw you last night at the bar, I really couldn’t believe it. And then when you came up to me, my heart was beating so fast, but time stopped. You were talking to me all drunk, debating with yourself if it was really me or not, and then you fuckin’ kissed me, and I felt over the moon but I was still in shock,” he chuckled remembering how he felt the night prior. 

“Knew in my heart that it was you, so I couldn’t resist myself from going up to you,” you told him honestly. Harry blushed, always loving your words and how honest you were. 

He moved his position back to a sitting upright as his legs were bent and his arms resting on his knees. He motioned you to sit between his legs and you happily obliged, immediately moving to sit in between them as your back rested on his chest. This was the closest you’ve ever been with him in six months, and you were taking it all in as he wrapped his arms around shoulders, and you placed your arms on top of his. 

The feeling of his body so close to yours had made you feel nostalgic. The moments where you two would lie in bed after sex or when he would put his arm around you as you walked the streets; those were the moments you missed the most because you felt so connected to him physically and emotionally. You longed for his warmth when you would go home to an empty bed and a bad day. You craved for his touch when you would lie awake at night as you stared at the ceiling, wondering what he was doing. 

But this moment was worth all the pain and heartache that you had to go through the past months. It was the only thing you were looking forward to when you were to be reunited with him again, and you almost forgot the feeling of his arms around you when you were stuck in your own world as you missed the security of his warmth. 

And you were happy. 

After another hour or two of relaxing on the beach in each other’s arms, you two decided to call it a day. You held Harry’s hand all the way back to your hotel room, and the separation was something you weren’t looking forward to. 

“Alright, I’ll see you soon, okay?” He said as he pulled you into a hug. Your head rested on his chest, hearing his beating heart pound through his chest as you wrapped your arms tightly around him—maybe too tightly. “Woah, woah. Might break me if you hug me any tighter,” he said jokingly. You embarrassingly loosened your arms, but you were still pressed up against him. You looked up at him, chin against his chest instead of the side of your face. 

You gave him a small smile, but there was a hint of sadness, he could tell. And he knew exactly why there was a tinge of sadness. 

“Hey, sweet girl,” he said softly, and your heart immediately started beating quite fast, but it swooned. The pet name that you hadn’t heard in so long was finally back, and throughout the whole day on the beach, you were wondering when or if he would call you that again. And when you finally heard it, the words were soft and slick like butter like you wanted to indulge into the sweetness of his words. 

Your eyes welled up with tears, “I’ve been wanting to hear you say that again for so long.” 

“Then I should’ve said it earlier, but I didn’t know if I was crossing the line.” 

“You’re never crossing the line with me,” 

Harry smiled, showing his dimples that you’ve missed, and he placed his hands on the side of your face before kissing your forehead softly, lingering his lips a little longer than he should have, but you didn’t mind whatsoever. 

He let go, raking his hands down both of your arms before holding your hand with his. “I should get going.” 

“Okay,” you responded as you nodded your head. He let go of one hand as he tried to walk away, but the hand that was still holding his, pulled him back. Harry studied your face as a frown was present. 

“Listen to me, okay? When I say I’ll see you soon, I don’t mean six months anymore. I mean in the next couple of days, but right now we have to get back to our friends, alright?” He said, looking you intently in the eyes. You sighed and nodded, believing that it won’t be months on end until you see him again. “Never gonna go that long without seeing you again. Hurts too much,” he pulled you in for one last hug, kissing the top of your head. “I’ll see you soon—I mean it,” he said once he let go. 

“Okay. I’ll see you soon, honey,” you let go of his hands as he slowly walked away. From a distance, he blew you a big kiss, and you caught his air kiss as you made a fist and brought it to your heart. “I’ll be waiting for the real thing!” You called out and you saw him smile widely. 

“Oh, I’ll definitely be there to give it to you! Soon, my sweet girl!” He yelled out back to you before blowing you multiple more kisses. 

At this point, you couldn’t stop beaming as you watched him walk away from your line of vision. The last time you watched him leave had ended in heartbreak, followed by heartache. But this time, you smiled as you watched him leave, knowing that you would be able to see him very soon and not wonder when you would. 

And you couldn’t wait to see his bright eyes and beautiful smile again, and of course, give a kiss to his pink lips. 

come chat with me in my inbox! 

CHAPTER SIX WILL BE POSTED SOON!

taglist babies: @froggystyles​​ @outofsstyles​​ @whoschantel​​ @4592222 @groovybaybee​​ @bfharry​​ @wellbafineline​​ @tfonty​​ @bfilipa52 @afire-hes​​ @thorsangel​​ @brrilliant-harry​​ @apples2019​​ @bbymichelleee​​ @harrys-cherrry​​ @ggaayyyong​​ @heslilac​​ @hufflepuff-always-and-forever​​ @sozvuchiy​​ @mellamolayla​​ @eviewildflower​​​ @pcterparxer​​

[shozaii]

Hey can I request something with todoroki where his s/o break up with him cus endeavour makes them and when shoto finds out he goes mental at his dad then goes to get his s/o back thank you sorry for bad grsmmer I’m not English ❤️

(a/n): hello! this took me a while and for that, i apologise :( i hope this is a good read! i also wrote something similar to this, and you can read it here.

requests are still open!

masterlist

^^^

always.

todoroki shouto x reader

warnings: angst!

ps: this setting is probably around 3-4 years of them dating, so that the legit emotion would kick in :P

---------------------------

your heart couldn’t take any more than this. 

regret, pain, anguish. you felt weak to the bone. you didn’t want to get up anymore. you wanted to stay on the ground. 

no one was going to lift you up anyway, right?

“shouto would never say that! i-i’ll only believe it when i see him!”

“and how exactly can you prove that he hasn’t done so?” endeavor boomed, his tall figure’s shadow looming over you. “even it was not, i would never hand him off to someone like you.”

“he doesn’t take orders from you, endeavor,” you growled underneath your breath. “i can’t believe i’m saying this to you but-,” you paused, slowly looking up to his face. ”todoroki shouto is not your carbon copy. he is a free bird, living to be the hero he has always wanted to be.”

his eyes were glowing with every ounce of hatred towards you. you were right. shouto had his decisions. he knew what he was up to. you even asked him about your dad and he said;

“my father has and never will have anything to do with you, love.”

so why this? why has endeavor made his way to you, claiming that his son doesn’t want you anymore?

when shouto could have done so?

...but then again, what if these were his decisions?

“what... what did you do with shouto?”

“he has requested me to be here, to tell you about this matter. you can run along now. i have even picked the one for him to marry in the future. which, of course does not involve you.”

you could feel your heart sinking slowly the chamber you grew away from. 

“i want to see him.”

“no! you are not allowed to step foot into the todoroki household anymore! now leave before it has to turn ugly.”

that felt like your very last straw. you wanted to run away, you wanted to scream. you wanted to do so many things.

you wanted shouto.

taking the hint that you had already understood, he walked away from you, never once looking back. why should he care, anyway? why did it have to matter to him?

why did this have to happen when shouto was far away from you? he promised he was going to return to your arms. did he plan all of this earlier? was he really done with you? did nothing else about you mattered to him anymore?

“shouto,” you said shakily. “at least tell me what i did.”

hands on your head, you sobbed. once again, your body brought you down to the grass. you heard someone shouting from the back; but it didn’t matter.

nothing mattered.

^^^

when you woke up, your eyes opened to the familiar ceiling.

the common room.

“they’re up!” you heard someone whisper-shout.

were you out for that long? what happened?

“y/n!” a girl’s voice called out to you softly.

“give them some space to breathe!” someone was chopping the air with their hands.

your eyes were wide open. you jolted up, taking a good look at the faces who were around you. “guys? what am i doing here?”

“you were with endeavor. d-don’t you remember, y/n?” midoriya asked.

“endeav-,”

the memories filled your head, one by one. the confrontation. the ground. his glowing blue eyes. the hatred.

the tears.

the unofficial break up.

moments later, tears flood your eyes once more, pouring out without a warning. here you were, thinking it was a nightmare. maybe when you woke up from it, shouto would be in your arms, calming you down. telling you that you had nothing to worry about. and then you would fill him in with kisses, he’d giggle and hold you closer.

“where is shouto?” you trembled.

“y/n, he...,” the green haired boy began. he hesitated. what was going on? why were you crying? why did you faint? so many questions ran in his head but he had to continue anyway.

“he went out of town, remember? and today endeavor came here to talk to you. in private.”

“i don’t think he would be coming back to me, though.”

“what?!” your friends around you screamed.

“he broke up with me.”

^^^

most of class 1-A have already completed their internship in various cities, including you. 

everyone, except for shouto. it was a day later than most of his classmates. he went along with it - but without you, it was painful.

he couldn’t call nor text you during the internship. those were the few things he had told his s/o before leaving. you understood because the whole class had to comply with that, too. no one was allowed to contact anyone else, either.

with you promising that you’d wait, he smiled. he was glad to have someone as understanding as you.

which was why he couldn’t wait until he had met you.

the train ride back to his home was a blur. he was exhausted from the extensive work he was given. it was part of his father’s agency, anyway.

expected? maybe.

he checked the time. 

it was already 12 a.m.. assuming you were asleep, he had to resist the urge to call you. what’s worse was that he only got to see you in the evening. he had a few errands to run at his home before heading to the dorms.

in less than 30 minutes, he had reached his destination. he grabbed his bag and left the train. a few more minutes and he would be lying in bed, satisfied.

not as satisfied if the first person he saw was his father.

but whatever he was never desiring seemed to come along his way. there he was, at home. his siblings were long asleep, he reckoned. “i’m home,” he mumbled, earning a hum from him.

as he entered the room, he was bewildered.

natsuo and fuyumi were right in front of him. fuyumi placed a finger on her lips; telling him to be quiet, while natsuo signaled him to close the door behind him.

“it’s about y/n. we got a call from your friend, midoriya.”

his eyes widened, slamming the door. “what happened?”

^^^

shouto felt as if ten thousand icicles had stabbed through his chest. 

he swung the door open. “you could’ve done anything else and you have even decided to interfere what i love most?!” he growled, palm starting a low flame.

“who? them? are you serious?! their quirk matches terribly with yours and i don’t see any compatibility between you two!”

“how- what kind of a sick person are you?! obsessed with power, fame, strength. have you ever focused on your loved ones?”

“you don’t have to remind me of the past. i don’t want you to fall in love and leave your hard work behind.”

“i think the real person leaving their work here was you. you, endeavour, have made a decision to say things that i would never say to them. to think that i would let you face them without any warning. stupid. i’m such an idiot. to allow myself to talk about them in front of you.”

“your relationship makes me feel sick, shouto! this is not the right time for you, so stop dreaming of it.”

“don’t tell me what to do!” he screamed. “don’t you dare tell me what to do! forget your future plans for me and let me do the honors. stop pestering me!”

tears flowed down his cheek as he gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. the little flame he had on his palm died down.

“do you actually think they wouldn’t set foot in this house?”

“shouto, forget about them. this topic is over.”

“answer me, father,” he spat. “do you?”

“absolutely.”

“do you actually think i would marry someone of your choice?”

“this is ridiculous. you’re behaving ridiculously, shouto.”

“do you think they haven’t met mother?”

endeavour’s eyes widened. “already?”

“as long as i get the green light from her, your words mean nothing to me.”

“no it does n-,”

“quit it.”

shouto grabbed his bag, said goodbye to his siblings, and left the house with his needs.

“this break up would be in your wildest dreams - heck - possibly in the deepest pits of hell.”

^^^

some of his classmates were still up. 

they didn’t really get any sleep after your breakdown.

“they’re in here. i’m sure they’ll be very happy to see you again.”

“thank you, midoriya.”

as he left shouto to his own, his knuckles hesitated to bring themselves to your door.

the pain he had inflicted was not only on him, but also you.

knock, knock.

“i’m doing fine, midoriya. the door’s open anyway.”

shouto turned the door knob slowly, revealing a dark room. the only light source was from the big, bright moon.

he saw a little figure staring at it, sobbing quietly.

“y/n....?” he called out softly, careful not to startle you.

you looked up, your eyes adjusting to the darkness ahead of you. but it didn’t have to wait for too long.

“shouto! shouto, oh my god, sho!” you stood up clumsily, your heavy legs bringing you to your boyfriend.

he grabbed hold of you, peppering countless kisses on your tear stained cheeks. it all happened so fast - your heart couldn’t believe it.

you let out a muffled scream into his shirt.

“i’m here now.”

two pairs of eyes were drowning themselves in an infinite amount of tears. as shouto held you, he brought the both of you down to your knees. he still didn’t let you go. it felt so right.

two pieces of a puzzle fit together like never before.

“none of this was your fault, love,” he let you go, wiping away your tears with his thumbs. “you did nothing wrong.”

“your f-father told me you sent him here and i- i didn’t know what to do, i forced myself to not believe it,” you said in between sobs. 

“what? no, he has nothing to do with us. it’s my fault. he had to be there when i told natsuo and fuyumi about you. i didn’t want that to happen - let’s just say his presence didn’t mean anything to me at that moment. and for that, i’m sorry, y/n. i promise you, this would never happen again.”

your eyes met his. “breaking up with you was never on my list,” he continued. “i guess he’d planned this earlier.”

“shouto.”

“i’m listening.”

“i love you.”

“i love you more.”

“always.”

“always,” he whispered.

-------------------------------------------------

(a/n): MJKJDNDOWJD i hope it was good!! :(

[coveredinsweetpea]

your baby sweet pea getting jealous bc of your celebrity crushes like maybe you’re talking about harry styles too much and he just stomps his foot like a five year old ‘nooo baby enough you’re my girl stooop’🥺🥺

My baby Sweet Pea being jealous of my baby Harry Styles??? Anon, you hit me hard!!!

-

"Do you think this is the right way to do it?" you giggled, pouring more flour into the bowl, completely disappointed by the softness of the batter. The recipe said it should have been pretty much solid by now, yet yours and Sweet Pea's literally looked like pudding.

"We're doing something wrong," he sighed. He had gone over the instructions about ten times already, and now, he was hugging you from behind as you both read them all over again.

"I think we should just wing it" you laughed, throwing the mixer to the side and planting your hands right into the cookie dough. Sweet Pea was just laughing and shaking his head, as you kept on hoping that with enough determination, you'd mold it into the right texture. Not a chance.

When you were about to open your mouth and express the fact that you were ready to give up and order from Pop's instead, your phone rang. Seeing how your hands were all sticky and covered in batter, Sweet Pea fetched your phone, accepted the call, and placed it on the counter right next to you, on speaker.

In an instant, your best friend's voice became audible, but not before she let out a loud screech filled with enthusiasm, "Y/n, MTV. Now!"

"I can't right now- I-" you tried to say as you toyed with the dough on your fingers, but she cut you off.

"Yes, you can!" she said dramatically, "They're live streaming Harry's concert and he's-"

And frankly, that was all you needed to hear before all your blood rose up into your ears. You sprinted off, slammed your shoulder into the door and didn't stop until you were kneeling in front of the small TV in the living room. Following a small mental breakdown, you managed to press the ON button on the remote control using your toes. The exact same way, you frantically flipped through the channels, until you reached MTV and Harry's dancing frame popped up on the screen.

Your eyes went wide and you sat down, unable to hold back a grin as you sang every word. It is unclear when Sweet Pea actually entered the room, but after the third song ended, you felt him softly tap your shoulder.

"I think I got what we did wrong, it looks just like the picture now, I think we can-"

"Yeah, yeah, just a second" you mumbled, cutting him off before you turned back to the TV just as Golden started playing. That second was as metaphorical as it could have been, because you had absolutely no intention of going anywhere until Harry left that stage. And Sweet Pea knew that. So, without even trying to argue with you, he shuffled closer and wrapped you in his arms, pressing your back flush against his chest.

He watched quietly, and you paid him no attention. You were completely absorbed. It was about 10 minutes later that he thanked the crowd and some other person took the stage, resulting in you slumping back against Sweet Pea.

"He's really talented," he said, giving you a soft kiss.

"I know" you whined, "And I'll never get to see him live, let alone meet him, and that makes my heart hurt"

"Aww, baby-" Sweet Pea hummed, moving a bit to the side so he could look into your eyes, "I promise you, one day you'll see him live. I'll help you save money"

"I love you, Pea" you blushed, leaning in to peck his lips, "You don't have to do that"

"I want to, angel"

Shortly after that, you two went back into the kitchen. Like he said, the dough was finally looking the way it was supposed to, but you honestly had no idea why, because while Sweet Pea proudly explained how he figured out what was missing, you were too busy replaying the whole concert inside your head. Moments later, the cookies were in the oven, and you and Sweet Pea were munching on some chips as you waited for the desert to be done. "But like-" you said, looking aimlessly at the wall behind your boyfriend, "If I ever meet Harry Styles, I don't even know what I could possibly say to him"

"What do you mean?" Sweet Pea asked, genuinely curious.

"Like, he seems like that kind of person that's really smart and educated and my brain would most definitely shut down"

"Your brain wouldn't shut down, Y/n, come on" Sweet Pea scoffed, "You're the smartest person I know, I'm pretty sure a pop star has got nothing on you"

"But have you seen him?" you belted, your enthusiasm making your voice just a tad bit too loud. "Oh my god..." you said again, leaning back down against the counter.

"I saw him, yes" he laughed.

"Hot. As shit"

Sweet Pea's eyes grew wide as his brows gathered into a helpless frown, but you didn't notice"

"He's fucking perfect!"

"Baby..." he whined, now obviously bothered.

"I'd let him run me over with a car!" you exclaimed, which was the last straw. Sweet Pea stood up and walked over to you, eyes all dark and glossy, his usual grin nowhere to be seen.

"Nooo, baby, enough.. Please.. You're my girl, stooop.." he whined, grabbing your shoulders.

That was when you finally noticed the way everything you said must have sounded, and panic enveloped you. "Pea, I didn't mean it like-"

"I know he's a lot of things that I'm not, but I'm really trying and-"

"No, no, no-" you jumped to stop him, cupping his cheeks into your palms, "I swear, I never intended it to sound like that. Fuck, I'm so stupid"

"No, you're not" Sweet Pea shook his head, the vulnerability in his voice making your heart melt. For a second, you stood and wondered how on earth did you manage to say those things to him when he's the best thing that ever happened to you. Sweet Pea was the one who taught you what unconditional love was, the only person who supported you every step of the way, he bailed on his friends to stay inside and make cookies with you, and what did you do? Told him how much you like another guy.

"Yes, I am, I don't know, it's just a stupid celebrity crush, but please tell me you know that" you said, looking deeply into his eyes, "Please tell me I didn't really make you believe I could ever like him more than I like you. You're the only one for me, please tell me you know that"

"I do" he nodded, his voice breaking.

"Pea" you cried, wrapping your arms around his neck, "You're my baby and only you. You're perfect and I love you so fucking much" For the next part, you pulled away from him and forced him to look into your eyes as you spoke. "When I meant that Harry is perfect, I meant that he looks good and I love his music. And that's all I know about him. But when I say you're perfect, I say it taking into consideration all aspects of your personality, all your flaws that I've come to love, all the small little things you do for me that make my heart melt.. You're the best man I ever met. I swear to god, Pea, I say stupid shit sometimes, but please don't ever doubt how much I love you"

"I love you too, baby girl" he said, and this time, you finally heard his voice come back to normal. A small grin appeared at the corner of his lips, before he bent down to kiss you.

"I'm really sorry" you mumbled, cuddling into his chest after you pulled away from his lips.

"Don't be, baby, I overreacted too, I shouldn't have-"

"You did not overreact, shut up"

A few seconds of silence followed, where he just held you to his chest, in the middle of the kitchen. "I'm your baby" he said, kissing the top of your head. "And you're mine"

"Yess!!" you smiled, pulling away and pushing yourself up to kiss his lips.

"But yeah, I kinda did overreact-" Sweet Pea said with a grin, "Considering how badly I want Megan Fox to run ME over with a car"

You wanted to jump and argue, but you were interrupted by the sound of your smoke alarm going off.

[kuroosdumbslut]

Kaminari, Sero, Bakugou, and Kirishima with an s/o who had to drop out of college

~Aged up~ One hundred percent self indulgent due to the fact i dropped out of college for my own mental health

Kaminari:

Ok so Kaminari is actually the one to being it up first, and for good reason

While he’s already secured a job as a pro hero, you decided to go to college! at the time, it was the logical choice in your mind, but then denki was coming home to you in tears, or very close to tears, due to your class load

obviously the state of the world didn't help with your stress levels and he was so concerned for you

the last straw was when you had a full mental breakdown and just spewed everything weighing down on you, and it broke his heart to see you in such emotional pain

“Baby, sweetheart, you don’t have to go to college. Obviously I’m not going to force you to quit or anything but you're in so much distress...I make enough for like 5 of us, babydoll, if finances are weighing down on your mind!”

he's very sweet, but he's gonna ramble a little, trying his best to calm you down and comfort you at the same time

when you do finally make the decision to drop out, the moment you pressed the withdrawal button, it felt like a ton of weight just disintegrated off of you

kaminari was glad to see you not as stressed almost as soon as you finalized everything

“there you go, baby... always choose your health and happiness over everything, okay?”

he's really encouraging to you and will gladly give you love and affection when you get down and berate yourself for dropping out

Sero:

sero was pretty perspective of how you were feeling, and he could sense that you had an unhealthy amount of stress built up

he wanted to talk to you about possibly cutting back on classes or seeing if he could help you in some way, but it was a bit to late

he had been relaxing on the couch after work, you were in your office getting work done for your classes, but sero was up in a split second when he heard you scream in frustration and then sob

he ran in your office to find you balled up and sobbing, textbooks and note pages strewn all across the room

“Mi amour, come here baby, come here...” he held you close and let you cry into his shirt as he gently rubbed your back 

“it’s so frustrating!! I can’t figure it out and I’m so overwhelmed the entire time I’m doing work... I hate it, I fucking hate school...” 

it hurt him to see how much school broke you down, but he just sat with you and listened to you rant

“Sero...would you be mad at me if I dropped out? Maybe not forever but for right now?” sero straightened up and pulled yu even closer, pressing a flurry of kisses all over your face and the top of your head

“My love, I’d never get upset at you for that... hell, I don’t blame you for wanting to drop out. I mean, I just went straight out of U.A. and into pro hero work. If you need to, then just drop out. You gotta put yourself first!”

he was right there with you when you withdrew and dropped out too, holding your hand when you started getting shaky and second guessing yourself and was there cuddling you when you decided to take a nap 

if you decide to get a part time job? he’s supportive. you want to take some time off from doing anything and just exist for a bit? he’s supportive. 

he just wants you to be as happy as possibly <3

Bakugou:

bakugou first notices how stressed you were by the way you were constantly putting homework and classwork before anything else

“I’ll get food later, I have to get this thing in...” “I’ll come to bed in a bit, I have to do this paper...”

He knew you were working hard to just power through this semester, but he could see how much you were neglecting yourself and never giving yourself time to relax... and he could tell you were close to your breaking point

He’s gonna sit down and talk with you before you have a full breakdown

“Hey, babe, I need you for a second.” if you don’t come to him right away, he’s gonna carry you away from your work station and make you sit with him on the couch

“You’re overworking yourself, dumbass. You hardly do anything except school work. Are you okay?” While he knew you were extremely stressed, he didn’t expect you to start tearing up

bakugou frowned, brows pulled together in concern as he scooted closer to you and held you to him. you were shaking, seemingly trying to hold back from fully sobbing

“Hey...baby, look at me...” bakugou, with uncharacteristic gentleness, tilted your head up to look at him and his heart clenched at how sad and exhausted you looked. eyebags, bloodshot eyes from both crying and staring at a screen all day...

“i-i don’t think I can keep up going to school right now...I’m so overwhelmed, Katsuki...” you were quiet, nearly whispering it, but bakugou heard you

“then take some time off...clearly this isn’t working for you. you can’t run yourself into the ground, dumbass. and you aren’t weak for quitting for right now, you’re putting your health first...”

he’s a little awkward and doesn’t exactly know what words to use to reassure you, but it helps regardless

he can see how much stress was released when you finally dropped out and was lowkey heartbroken that you were holding that much stress over school

Kirishima:

he loves you so much, but theres a chance he doesn’t immediately notice your stress due to him trying to go above and beyond at work

he had come home pretty late, probably around 2am. patrol ran late that night and he fully expected you to be fast asleep, so he was surprised to hear you call out to greet him

“welcome home Eiji! I’m in the office!!”

kirishima wandered into the home office and found you attempting to finish an essay. youre eyes were bloodshot and you looked absolutely exhausted

“pebble, you’re up pretty late...maybe you should stop for the night and come to bed with me” he watched as your eyes widened

you frantically explained how much work you had due and how you didn’t have time to take a break, you had to get it in now! you explained the amount of work the professors had assigned and how they were expecting more just because its all online for now

kirishima agreed with you that it was way too much work, picking you up in his arms and carrying you to the bedroom to get you away from the thing thats stressing you out the most

once in the room, you finally broke out in tears. “Eiji, im so exhausted... I just wanna drop out and not deal with it right now, im just getting depressed-”

kirishima wrapped you up in a tight hug, giving you small kisses all over your face “then just drop out for now... you shouldnt be forcing yourself to power through school while youre clearly not mentally okay right now.”

you teared up more but nodded, holding him tightly as you fell asleep with him

the next day you officially dropped out and kirishima could visibily see you let go of stress, slumping in your chair with watery eyes

he knew you would be hard on yourself, but he was glad you admitted that it was too much and decided to take a break from schooling, and he’d be there for you when you tried to beat yourself up over “giving up”

in turn, kirishima also cut back how much extra he was doing as well 😌 he became more aware of both your stress and his own

[sixqueendom]

New Fanfic: If Only You Would Listen, Chapter 1

So, after having a few requests to, I’ve decided to post my new fic on here as well as AO3. If you would prefer to read on AO3, I have included the link below! No real warnings for this one. Just the usual angst I'm sure you've grown accustomed to with my fics if you’ve read any of my previous work!

A huge thank you to Phoebe (@theatergirl06), Lilac (@timetoriseabove) and Blue (@pen-and-a-microphone) for beta-reading this fic! You guys are the best!

AO3 Link

---------------------

Kitty decided she had had enough.  Everything was becoming overwhelming. The home she shared with the five other Queens suddenly felt overbearing and overly dominated by the others, so much so that she felt like she didn’t belong there anymore. Like she was an outcast. Sidelined. She didn’t feel like a priority to any of them, more a burden. An afterthought.

The truth was, Kitty was fed up with being mollycoddled by Jane. She was fed up of being treated like she was a child. But most of all, she was fed up of walking into a room, only for the lively chatter to descend into quietness, the other women refraining from talking openly for fear the topic might upset or offend her. They’d never told her that, but she knew. She was, after all, the vulnerable one in their eyes. The liability.

She appreciated Jane’s love and care towards her, she really did. It was nice to finally feel like someone genuinely cared about her, after a childhood with inattentive parents and ultimately being raised by her father’s negligent stepmother, the Dowager Duchess. For once, she felt wanted and loved. But as much as she appreciated it, Jane’s motherly care was smothering. Suffocating. Jane had always had a desperate longing to be a mother, having been robbed of the chance with her own son. So, naturally, with Kitty being the youngest, she projected all that energy onto her. But for Kitty, it was all too much. She didn’t feel she had any real independence. 

Eventually, she started to realise she was being excluded from conversations.

She’d accepted it at first. Perhaps she didn’t want to hear it. The conversations would just stir up old memories and rip off the superficial plaster she’d put on those wounds. That was, until she realised she was slowly losing her voice within the group, her right to speak for herself. Instead, the Queens were doing it on her behalf, assuming they knew what was best. Assuming they knew what she would say.

Last week, the Queens had all been invited to a podcast interview with an up and coming theatre critic, who had recently seen the show. The critic had analysed and dissected each of their individual songs and probed them for more details. When it came to Kitty’s song, she immediately saw the concerned faces of the others, like they anticipated a breakdown. Much to her annoyance, Anne butted in halfway through her response to a question. After that, Kitty noticed the subtle actions of the others: the critic saw it as casual banter, but it was really just a cover-up for the tougher questions regarding her past, an effort to keep things light-hearted in an attempt to stop it being so upsetting. What they didn’t realise was that Kitty had recounted her previous life so many times that, although still arguably painful to recall, it didn’t provoke the heightened emotions the Queens were probably expecting. She was tougher than that. Yet, by the end of the interview, Kitty felt like she hadn’t really contributed anything. 

A couple of nights later, there was a small incident at stage door when Kitty was approached by two young girls. As she happily signed their programmes, one of the girls piped up excitedly.

“I can’t wait to hear your next interview on Saturday! I’m going to send a question in for you to answer!”

Kitty frowned, but quickly concealed her confusion with a laugh. “Yeah, you should totally do that! I’ll try my best to answer as many as i can!”

On the Tube home, Kitty queried the conversation. “What’s this about an interview this weekend?”

Anne gasped. “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you! We’ve got an interview with a theatre magazine on Saturday. They are also hosting a little Q&A session with the fans. Should be fun.”

Kitty leant back in her seat, going quiet. When were they actually going to tell her if she hadn’t prompted?

The next evening, when Kitty came downstairs to find the Queens huddled around the kitchen, seemingly in a deep conversation without her, it was the final straw. Right on cue, as soon as she walked in, the mood immediately changed and, like a flick of a switch, a hush fell over the room as the discussion dropped away. It always felt like she was disrupting them. Like she was gatecrashing a party. Uninvited and unwanted.

Kitty glanced from one Queen to another. 

“What are you all talking about?” It was an innocuous enough question. She kept her voice light, casual. There was no need at this point to get tense and uptight. 

Anna, in one corner, gave a dismissive wave of her hand. “Nothing important. Just about that silly interview we have tomorrow.”

The interview with the magazine. The interview that she was also involved in.

Kitty blinked. “What about it?”

She caught Cathy giving a nervous glance across the room to Anna, her hands firmly cupped around her coffee mug as she leant against the kitchen counter. Kitty could sense the atmosphere in the room growing tense. After all, they weren’t stupid. They could tell where this was heading. 

Anne gave a shrug. “Just about what kind of questions we think they’ll ask. Just...boring stuff really.”

Here we go. Trying to assure her she wasn’t missing out on anything. That it wasn’t important enough for her voice to be included.

“It didn’t sound boring,” Kitty leant against the doorframe. “Sounds like a good idea, actually. Always best to be prepared for whatever they throw our way.” She was still maintaining her casual tone, but she could feel her patience being tested.

Jane, as always, was the first to get flustered, sensing that things were starting to head south and wanting to avoid confrontation. “Look,” she held up her hands. “Why don’t we just talk about this later when-”

“When what?” Kitty snapped. “When I’m back upstairs in my bedroom? When I’m out of earshot and can’t hear what you’re really talking about?”

Jane blinked. She didn’t know how to respond. Catherine bowed her head, staring at the lines of her hands. Across the table, Anne visibly squirmed in discomfort.

Kitty smirked. She’d caught them red-handed and now they didn’t know what to say. There was nowhere to hide. She raised an eyebrow expectantly, looking around the room for a response.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Have I made things a bit uncomfortable?”

This tense confrontation had come as a surprise for them. Out of them all, Kitty was largely overlooked, usually the quietest and the most reserved of the group. Sweet in nature and often quick to comply, she was the last one they’d expect to be interrogated by. But it was becoming clear that she was on the offence. Quite frankly, Kitty had reached the end of her tether. She wouldn’t tolerate being made to feel like a child, like an inconvenience, any longer. Whether it was the Queens’ intention or not, it still hurt. She still felt like she didn’t matter, that her words were worthless.

Finally, Cathy took a deep breath. “What is this all about, Kit?” Her words sounded so feeble. She wasn’t stupid - she knew exactly what was going on here - but she felt the need to break the awkward silence.

Her attempt only made Kitty scoff. “You all know exactly what this is about. I’m sick of this!” She yelled, her voice increasing in volume.

Jane bit her lip, the harsh tone of Kitty’s voice packing a sting that she really wasn’t accustomed to. Not from her sweet Kitty. She was trying to hold back tears, startled by this sudden outburst and hostility. Realising her discomfort, Catherine squeezed her hand under the table.

“Do I really not matter?” Kitty lowered her voice again, trying to keep composed. “Because sometimes I wonder if you’d all be better off without me!”

Anne looked up at that comment, hurt and panic in her eyes. “That’s not true! Of course you matter! Of course we want you here!”

“Then why don’t you ever include me?!” she cried, unable to conceal her trembling voice, despite her resolve not to cry. Crying would prove to them that she was volatile. It would justify their actions. “Why am I always the one treated like a child and left out of everything?”

“Kit, we’re not doing this to hurt you. We’re doing this to protect you and to stop you getting upset-” Anna started. 

“See, that’s just it, isn’t it? You all treat me like I’m some kind of porcelain doll that might fall and break. Don’t think I don’t notice you acting like you’re walking on eggshells when I’m around and pandering to my wishes like I’m a kid! I hate it!” Her frustration mounting, Kitty slammed her hand against the doorframe, making Jane visibly jump.

Catherine, remaining as composed as ever, thought quickly, trying to desperately diffuse the situation before it got the chance to escalate any further. “Kitty, why don’t you sit down and we can talk about this rationally?”

The suggestion only made Kitty laugh. “Oh, so now you want me to sit down and talk?”

She shook her head. “I’m sick and tired of being made to feel insignificant. Like I don’t matter. Because isn’t that what you say in the show? I think she’s the least relevant Katherine.” She changed her tone, trying to mimic the other Queens. ‘Oh, we can’t talk about that in front of Katherine, it’ll only make her upset’ Well, guess what? I want you to stop invalidating my opinions and my words, just because the topic of discussion might hurt me!”

“Kit, you know we don’t really mean that when we say that line in the show!” Cathy insisted.

“Well, it certainly feels like it!”

“We didn’t realise you felt like this…” Anna mumbled.

“Because you never thought to ask!” erupted Kitty, exasperated. “You were all so busy trying to keep me sheltered away that you never once thought to ask! You don’t want my opinion on anything! Precious little Katherine can’t think for herself and make her own choices and decisions! Why don’t you let me make up my own mind on whether a topic is too sensitive or not? I can always walk away, can’t I?”

“Like that other night at stage door. I was made to look so stupid because I was oblivious! I can’t believe a fan knew before I did! So, when were you all going to decide to tell me about the interview, hm? If it wasn’t for that girl mentioning it, I’d probably still be in the dark!”

“That was my fault!” Anne admitted, putting her hands up in surrender. “I genuinely forgot to tell you! Anna even mentioned it in the morning and I still forgot. I’m sorry.”

This admission from Anne seemed to soften Kitty slightly, her shoulders relaxing. It put the tiniest doubt in her head: maybe she was overthinking this all? Seeing Kitty relax a little and contemplate what Anne had said, Jane took the opportunity to try and reason with her and further dampen her anger. “Look, maybe you’re right. We’ve been unfair not including you. But none of us have done this to intentionally hurt you, love. You must know that. Neither do any of us see you less of an adult-”

“But Jane, you make me feel like a kid all the time! The constant prompting of what time I’ll be home when I go out, the constant fussing, it’s just too much! I’m constantly made to feel like I am incapable of doing anything for myself. I’m just as capable of being independent as Anne is, and you certainly don’t hover over her shoulder all the time!”

“I just like to make sure you’re okay…” Jane’s voice had gone quiet, almost a whisper.

“Well, you know what, Jane? It’s suffocating! You need to face up to the fact that trying to mother me isn’t going to bring back Edward!”

The words cut through Jane like a knife right to the heart. The others watched as the woman crumpled in front of them, before fleeing upstairs to the confines of her bedroom. Catherine  pushed her chair back and marched up to Kitty like a protective lioness, pinning her against the fridge.

“That is quite enough! Jane has done nothing but show you love and care, which is much more than any of your true family did for you. And this is how you repay her? You don’t deserve it. If you want to stop being treated like a child, you need to buck up your ideas and try and show some respect and gratitude. You should be ashamed of yourself, Katherine.” At that, she stormed off to console her friend.

Although Kitty had to admit that she’d regretted the words as soon as they’d come out of her mouth, she was determined to stand her ground. If she crumbled now, this whole confrontation was pointless. She looked to the three remaining Queens. 

After a long pause, Anna approached her, her jaw clenched, stone-faced. “You know, maybe you’re right, Kitty. Maybe we would be better off without you.” She grabbed her jacket from the back of a kitchen chair and stormed out of the house, slamming the front door behind her. Anne and Cathy flinched.

Having long abandoned her mug of coffee, Cathy folded her arms. “If you wanted to be treated more like an adult, perhaps you should have thought about approaching this like one. We could have had a civilised talk, instead of this mess.” With a disappointed shake of her head, she too strode out. As she passed the table to leave, she cast an apologetic look to Anne.

Now, it was just the two of them. The two cousins. Sitting there at the table, Anne was bewildered. She hadn’t expected such an outburst, especially not from Kitty. She’d never thought her capable of causing so much upset, to get so angry. She suddenly felt like she’d lost a good friend. As quiet once again fell over the room, Anne wondered if she’d ever really known Kitty at all.

She was also consumed with guilt. They were so close, and yet, she hadn’t realised that what they’d been doing had proved so hurtful to her own cousin. What’s more, Kitty had never confided in her. There had never been any hint that she was feeling this way.

“Why didn’t you say something?” Anne mumbled, finally lifting her head to look at her cousin in disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me you felt like this?” 

Kitty turned her face away. She was just so disappointed in them all. She felt utterly let down by the very people she trusted the most. 

“Anna didn’t mean what she said…” Anne made a pitiful attempt to show Kitty she was on her side. “She just upset-”

Tears pricking at her eyes, Kitty clenched her fists. But all the fight had gone out of her.

“Well, now you all know how I feel.”

Kitty whirled around and sought the refuge of her bedroom, throwing herself onto her bed as the sobs overcame her. Suddenly, all the fire in her belly was extinguished, replaced by a hollow emptiness. Now she realised the enormity of what she’d done, the potential consequences of her actions. Things had spiraled out of control, her words had become ammunition created by her pent-up frustration. She had just been so desperate for change. How long was she expected to tolerate it all? She feared if she’d waited much longer, her voice would be silenced altogether. She might as well just walk out the door. Now, consumed with the horrible dark thoughts that shrouded her as she cried into her pillow, she started to take the thought seriously. She didn’t fit here and the Queens now despised her. Seeing the disgust in Aragon’s face and Anna’s clear contempt said it all. Maybe she needed to prove it to herself, not them. To prove that she was capable of looking after herself, like she insisted? Being independent. 

She lifted herself from the bed, grabbed her rucksack from the wardrobe and blindly stuffed some clothes in, her vision still blurry with tears. She checked the contents of her purse: her bank card and £60 - it would be enough for now. As she fumbled for some essential items she thought she’d need, her hand fell on a polaroid photo - a black and white picture, taken of them all on stage after their first performance together. They all looked so happy, so united. Now, she’d ruined all of that. Yet, something made her take it with her, slipping it into the zip pocket of her bag. Just because they hated her, it didn’t mean she wouldn’t miss them. Lastly, she picked up her phone, staring at the lockscreen photo of her and Anne for a second before putting it back onto her bedside table. She didn’t really have a use for it now. 

You know, maybe you’re right, Kitty. Maybe we would be better off without you. 

After all, she was of course, the least relevant Katherine. They wouldn’t want to talk to her now.

At that, she tiptoed downstairs. She was relieved to see the kitchen was empty. Helping herself to a few biscuits, pieces of fruit, and granola bars, she took one last look as she slipped out of the back door.

And, just like that, Kitty disappeared into the night.

[elatedmarvel]

Two Ghosts (1/2)

Steve Rogers x Reader 

Summary: It becomes too hard to deal with Steve’s past. 

Word Count: 1829

AN: This one is a two parter. I’m sorry in advance for the angst. The title is from the Harry Style’s song. 

Warnings: Angst, swear words

The ringtone cuts through the loud chattering, and suddenly you felt the warmth from besides you leave. You didn’t need to look to know that he stepped outside to take the call. He always did when she called. He even set up a special ringtone for her. You didn’t know it was possible to hate a ringtone, but your blood began to boil. 

Dressed to the nines, and promises of skimpy lingerie underneath and a mess in the sheets later, still had him at her beck and call. You had expected that dating Steve Rogers would come with challenges, but you never realized you had to compete for his attention from another woman. 

Glancing over at the balcony door, you see him smile and hang up. He straightens his suit, and steps back inside. Eyes locked with his, you know what he’s going to say again, but you beat him to it.

“Where are you going this time?” you’re voice even and steady from the months of practice you have.

“She’s got a lead on the mafia in Spain we’ve been trying to eradicate for months. We have to leave right now though.” and he gives you a half hearted smile, you both know nothing you say will make him stay. 

“That seems a little low on your radar there Cap.” you try anyways. 

“Nothing is too small for me, and besides, it’s a favor.” his favorite reply. 

Sighing in defeat, you give him a small smile back and press a small kiss to his cheek. “Be careful out there.” 

“Always am” and with one measly peck on the lips, he slips into the crowd. 

You watch him go, and when he’s out of sight, you swiftly turn to the bar. If he was going to abandon you at a gala he made you attend, you were going to get drunk enough to forget. Unfortunately, another super-soldier slips in besides you around your fourth drink. 

“She’s had enough” he tells the bartender with a quick nod and slips some money across the bar. The bartender quickly takes the money and heads to the other end, ignoring your whines.

“What the fuck Barnes!” you try to use your best glare on him. It doesn’t work when you see the worry in his eyes though. 

“I know he left, and I’m sorry he was such a punk. But drinking away your problems is not the answer.” 

“He didn’t just leave Bucky, he left for Sharon” your mouth feels sour just saying her name. His look turns from worry to pity, and you can’t decide which one is worse. 

“He didn’t leave for her, he left for a mission. There’s a difference.” he tries. 

“You and I both know that’s a load of shit. She calls and he comes running.” you throw the rest of your drink back. 

“He feels protective of her. Like he owes Peggy to watch over Sharon.” he tries another angle. It just makes your stomach twist even more. 

“Right, his first and only true love.” you spit back. You move to grab your clutch from the bar and turn on your heel. 

Bucky moves faster and catches your wrist before you can take a step. He can feel your wild pulse and hear your heavy breathing, and he knows it’s a lost cause, but he needs to say it. “He loves you too, you know? You’ve helped him through so much. You understand him, and you make him a better person. He’s just blind, and can’t leave well enough alone.” 

“Maybe it’s time I find someone who can see that then.” with tears in your eyes, you rip your wrist away from his hold and storm out of the room. It’s hard to move with your high heels and long dress on, but you somehow manage to get outside and call a taxi. 

“Where to?” the driver asks. You pause, you don’t want to go home, but you’re too tired and drunk to find another place to sleep tonight. Giving the driver your address, you try to use the breathing techniques Sam taught you, not wanting to have a breakdown in the back of the poor man’s car. 

The moment he pulls up to the curb of your apartment, you throw him money and wish him a good night. You stumble around in the dark, not wanting to turn on any lights. Not bothering to take off your dress, or makeup, you step out of your shoes and fall into bed. The last thing you see is the picture of Peggy that Steve keeps on his night stand. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The birds chirping outside sound more like jackhammers when you wake up. The dress you wore last night now wraps around you, almost chokingly tight. Your pillow stained with black and red. You manage to pull the zipper down, and step into the hot spray in the shower. 

You had hoped when you woke up sober that you wouldn’t feel the jealousy and emptiness inside like you did last night. That whatever took hold of your stomach would free it from it’s iron grip, but no such luck. It just ached more now that you couldn’t blame it on the alcohol. 

Drying yourself off, you pulled on comfortable clothes, careful to avoid any of his shirts. You sat on the edge of the bed, figuring out your next steps. 

This wasn’t the first time he had abandoned you for her. At first it had been small things, and you knew they were friends, had been long before you had even laid eyes on him. She wants me to help her move. She needs someone to interrogate a criminal. She needs someone to comfort her after her breakup. 

Back then you were proud of how caring of a friend he was to her. How he was such a good friend. He told you before about how they had kissed, and even tried dating for a while, but it felt wrong and ended on good terms. He told you even before you knew what his lips tasted like. There were never any secrets between the two of you. 

Over time, it grew into heavier reasons. We both miss Peggy, and we just need some time to grieve. You were never the jealous type, but each time he left for her, he took a little bit of your self esteem with him. 

Glancing around the room, you didn’t grasp how foolish you were until now. It wasn’t just Sharon, but the other Carter too. Her picture on his night table, magazine articles cut and hung with care about the amazing things Peggy had accomplished on the walls. The goddamn compass with her picture on the dresser, he looked at it every day. 

It was understandable to you at first, he loved her and mourned for her. She was truly a remarkable woman. One that you now realize you couldn’t compare to. 

The tears flowed slowly, but once there was a leak in the damn, it was hard to keep the waters at bay. Sobs wracked your body. You sobbed for you, and him, and your relationship. He could never give himself fully to you, and you understand that now. 

He would always be haunted, and you couldn’t free him. 

It might have been minutes or hours, time meant nothing to you anymore as you cried. Another hour after the tears dried up spent laying in bed, too tired and heartbroken to move. It was the rumble of a bike driving by that finally woke you. You didn’t want to be here anymore, not with remains of his past. 

Grabbing your suitcases from the closet, you threw in as much as you could. Clothes, shoes, toiletries, even your passport and other important documents. Anything you left, you would have someone else pick up, or he could donate. 

You moved as fast as you could, but luck was not on your side. The moment you stepped into the entryway, he opened the door. Your heart leapt into your throat, preventing you from speaking as you stared at each other.  

His eyes darted from your suitcases, to you and your red rimmed, puffy eyes. You watched as confusion blooms on his lovely face. 

“Are you going somewhere?” he breaks the silence. 

You couldn’t speak, too afraid that you’ll break if you say it out loud. You wrap your arms around yourself, trying to keep calm. You see him step closer, trying to comfort you, but you just step back. 

“I can’t be here anymore” the voice doesn’t even sound like yours, it’s too small and sorrowful. 

“Ok? Darling, what’s wrong?” it kills him to see you so hurting, and do nothing. He reaches out, but the moment his hand meets your arm you snap. 

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” your voice growing louder. “You get back from abandoning me at some gala you begged me to go, for her I might add, and you ask what’s wrong?” 

He just stares blank faced at you, you’ve never shouted at him before, not even in your worst arguments. Taking his silence as an answer, you continue. 

“I’ve never once said anything while you dropped everything to help her, never. But it’s never going to stop is it? If we go out of town and she calls, you would leave me there. If we get married and have kids, you’re going to keep going every time she calls! I can’t compete with her!” The floodgates open, and the dumbstruck look on his face fuels you.

“It’s not like that! She needs my help! Who would I be if I just told her to ask someone else?” Steve yells back, finally snapping into action. 

“My boyfriend! Mine!” you snap.

“It’s not that simple. We share a past, and connection. I owe this to her and Peggy!” and her name is the straw that breaks your back. 

“Because it’s all about Peggy, it always goes back to her. I get it Steve I do, you met the love of your life, and then you went into the ice. What sucky luck you must have to end up here with me instead of her!” 

“You don’t get it. She was the first person to ever see me, to ever love me for me and not Captain America.” he tries to reason. 

“She might have been the first, but she wasn’t the only.” you both breathe heavily. He calculates what to say next, he can’t afford to step on a landmine. 

“She’s a part of my past, of me. Can’t you see that?” if your heart wasn’t broken before, it was shattered now. 

“I see it Steve, I do. But I can’t stay here and compete with ghosts anymore. It’s too hard.” he’s stunned, and you take this opportunity to get past him.

“Goodbye Steve” you whisper as you cross the threshold. You close the door, leaving him and his ghosts inside.

Part 2

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Teeth Marks, Empty Nest, Picking Ritual | Writing Update

Hey People of Earth!

It’s been a hot minute since I last wrote a Moth Work writing update, and so here we are again for the final countdown! Today’s post will be covering everything related to chapter 12, 13, and 14. Let’s start with Teeth Marks, which I wrote probably sometime in February.

Teeth Marks marks the third part of Moth Work, called Wings, and the first chapter back in Harrison’s POV. I honestly can’t remember much of the writing process as it’s been a while, so let’s dive straight into the scene breakdown!

Scene A: 

We start in the doorway of Eliza’s apartment where Harrison stands shook because a) his boi Lonan has answered it (scandal) and his mother, who he has been estranged from for the last four years, is also in this apartment (EXTRA scandal). Eliza ushers Harrison inside (and this is probably the only *nice* interaction they ever have, spoiler alert!)

Harrison is very shook, and also a little angry, and also a little confused! He doesn’t know why his mother is here, and doesn't understand why Lonan wouldn’t contact him to tell him she is here.

Him and Eliza get into a bit of a scuffle where Eliza is protective of Lonan and is like “who are you mate” and Harrison’s like hahahHA pardON. This leads to Lonan kicking them both out even tho this ain’t even his house!

Scene B:

We now move to the stairwell right outside Eliza’s apartment where she and Harrison have been sitting in awkward silence! Harrison notices she’s wearing his guardian angel necklace (which Lonan mistakenly took back in chapter 6).

This scene is instrumental in setting up how these two interact, which in short, is not! fun! for! either! They try to be civil but can’t help but be protective over Lonan for different reasons. Eliza because they are now sort of in a relationship, and Harrison because hahaha he’s been there, and also because Eliza is Lonan’s father’s ex! Why!

Lonan interrupts this conversation and him and Harrison have a lil private moment even tho Eliza is standing right there aahaha. Eliza leaves which prompts Lonan to go after her, and we end with Harrison all alone in the stairwell like a proper sad boi.

Excerpts:

I previously wrote some mean things about this chapter and am editing it out cuz we tryna be positive! Here’s some tender romance because why not! For context, Harrison has asked Eliza how much she knows about the nature of the boys’ relationship (she knows nothing!!)

He could tell her the truth. About the polaroids left back in Boston. What it felt like to kiss him underwater. What it felt like to dance with him, his clumsy instep. What it felt like to trace each notch of his ribs in the off moments he’d sleep and how wonderful it was, to touch the places his hunger would go. 

Some more romance because yesss:

He pretends they’re alone at the cabin, somewhere on the water, sharing a sleeve of crackers, looking at the moon like it’s the other’s iris, somewhere where constellations read less like hieroglyphics and more like sonnets. 

Let us move onto chapter 13, Empty Nest!

Scene A:

Harrison sits alone at the dinner table watching a TV show in a language he doesn’t speak. His mother interrupts this *chillin* and they get into a heated conversation.

This ends badly for Harrison, to which Lonan (who is presumably arguing with Eliza in her bedroom) comforts him and yeets the two of them outta that apartment! Knight in shining armour babyyyy

Scene B:

Lonan takes Harrison to chapter nine’s beautiful place (the cove).

They chat about their (fallen) relationship and Lonan + Eliza’s relationship that is apparently now flourishing (hahah it actually isn’t)

This turns romantical very fast!!! I am guilty of self-indulgence!!

Excerpts:

EDIT: I originally had an edit in here saying I didn’t have the mental spoons to edit this chapter which is why I wouldn’t share a lot of excerpts! This was very true haha, as I was amidst the worst mental health week I’ve had in years, but guess! who! tried! to! edit! anyway! This obviously was not the best idea and I pushed myself too hard. This led to me doing some crying and beyond that, a decision to take a few days off of writing (despite the fact that I didn’t want to). I’m feeling great now which I’m so grateful for, but just a note! Anyhow!!

This excerpt makes me laugh because it gives me “lonely man sitting on his porch in the prairies” vibe:

No one eats together. Lonan and Suzanna have already taken their pick, and Eliza eats in her room. Harrison hasn’t seen Lonan since he followed Eliza’s empty trail back into the apartment, and he hears him now, between the drone of infomercials and advertisements on the Spanish TV station he doesn’t even understand. Coming from her room, he can picture him, the way Lonan argues, competitive like he’s trying to win something. Suzanna sits on the balcony, maybe hiding a smoke, or something more ridiculous, new age, like an essential oil pen. Ribbons of grey luminescing in the neon lights. Maybe it’s more accurate to say Harrison eats alone. 

This is the excerpt that I had a breakdown editing lmaooo I think it’s cute tho!!

Somewhere better is a beach. Hidden in a cove, the stones arched over seafoam. In the moonlight, sand glitters, water trills, a night owl in the distance wails. Lonan leads him to the cove’s heart, a bullet of clearing that reveals constellations neither recognize. Lonan’s brought a basket with him, unfolds the checked blanket across the shore. Harrison sits first, and observes as Lonan travels the cove’s perimeter, collecting driftwood as he goes. He stacks them into a pyramid at the shore’s lip, pulls out a lighter.

He starts the fire easily, cups the flame like it’s a jittering organism, coaxes it until it expands. The flame tints his jaw gold, glares in his eyes so they look like blue fire. The night halos around ­Lonan, burnishes the cove walls, turns the sand into a mirage. As Lonan nurses the fire, Harrison traces his face, the violet impasto around his eye. Lonan has always looked like a masterpiece to him, damp black hair that almost looks navy blue, a smile so subtle, it’s almost acquired. He holds the fire so it toasts his chin, his focus a delicate, paternal thing.

Picking Ritual is chapter 14 of the book! I wrote this during reading break, and it’s one of my faves a) because of the title and b) because Harrison and Eliza FIGHT (I’m here for the tea).

Scene A:

Lonan and Harrison get back from their self-care-gone-romantical escapade to drunk Eliza creepily sitting in the dark!! Harrison’s mother has left, which Eliza uses as cruel ammo (don’t we love her)!

This is where we really get to see Eliza’s other side as she gets gaslighty as a response to Harrison’s very true callouts

Scene B:

Later, Eliza may or may not purposefully leave her bedroom door open while mildly unholy matters occur that’s all I’m gonna say about that!!!

Scene C:

Eliza leaves her room to “get some orange juice” (she’s trying to get a rise out of Harrison, which works). They roast each other endlessly until Harrison asks her to play a game with him.

Scene D:

This game is a game of cards, which is actually Harrison choosing four cards (king of spades = Lonan’s father, queen of hearts = Eliza, the joker = Lonan, and a jack = Harrison) so he can learn more about each one he chooses for her.

This is where the chapter title comes from!

Excerpts:

The following is a self-roast because my house does all the following (besides magnets on ALL four corners of dishcloths, there’s currently just one. ;) Lonan in this scene is Fiona in that scene in Shrek 2 where Shrek and King Harold are arguing over dinner (CW: there’s a description here that could be potentially triggering for self-harm!).

Suzanna is gone when they get back to Eliza’s apartment. No jacket on the coat hook. No shoes on Eliza’s straw-woven welcome mat. The kitchen has been picked over, each plate, fork, back in its strangely correct place. Eliza keeps her cutlery in jars, and her pans in the oven, her dish cloths magnetted to the fridge by all four corners, a pristineness that feels chemical.

Just as he’s about to comment on it, a light from the living area flicks on, and underneath sits Eliza, paging through a book in the dark. Spots like wine stains on her cheeks shine glassy under the harsh lightbulb.

“She has a place twenty minutes from here. By the public gardens,” she says, running her fingernail against the ribbed spine of the hardcover. Harrison can’t make out the title. When he stares blankly at her, examining the patches on her skin until he’s memorized of their surface area, she clears her throat and shuts the book. “Your mother?”

“I know,” he says.

“That your mother has a place twenty minutes from here?”

“That you were referring to my mother.”

“So you didn’t know?”

ugh I love Harrison and Eliza arguing it’s my fave dynamic:

Eliza stands, and smooths the silk of her night dress, though one crease continues to bunch. She folds her hand into a fist, and brings it to her mouth, biting on her knuckles as she paces. Harrison and Lonan watch her, and Lonan’s about to step toward her when she nods and directs her gaze straight at Harrison. “Did that upset you?” she asks, peeling a sliver of skin up between her teeth, letting it snap back. “The way I spoke of your mother.”

“I don’t care about anything you have to say.”

Oof oof tensions be RISING:

Lonan knocks on Eliza’s door a half hour later and doesn’t come back out. Harrison watches the shut door like he can break through it from the couch, how heavy it sits in its frame like they’ve taken turns smearing caulking in its seams.

The nightglow decolours his chin, his eyes, and he stares at the stars as he did an hour ago with Lonan. He touches his lips, hoping something divine will reappear on his fingers, something divine enough to anoint himself with. Nothing does, of course, but he tries, dappling each groove of his mouth. 

Here’s some Eliza being Eliza :)

He should tell her to buy some curtains. The sliding door’s glass opens to her balcony where his mother stood, pouring onto the busy street below her apartment complex. He can almost perfectly replicate the image of his mother with just his fingertip, a familiarity of her unknown, but unconsciously memorized by him. Suzanna has traded her only pair of shoes—a dingy set of floral flip-flops—for boots with silver zippers, steel toes, heels perfected by a designer she has a connection to. He thinks of his mother with sour precision, a sugary glumness that makes his mouth heavy.

He still wears the angel Lonan re-fastened around his neck and examines it against the belly of the two-seater Lonan once slept on.

She’s lost a stone from where he threw it, almost unnoticeably in the corner where her wings meet her back. He runs his finger over the empty spot, a nearly undetectable groove, and wonders how difficult it would be to find it in the tooth of Eliza’s hardwood.

Just as he’s prepared to get up and find out, the heavy door jars open. Wider than he’s expecting, so he can see Lonan from the couch. Arranged against a pillow, his hair disappearing into the dark wood of Eliza’s bedhead. His eyes closed, a tremor that rocks through his forehead every few seconds. And then quickly, Eliza shuffling through the opening. She wears a kimono patterned with koi fish, the fabric rustling against her bare thighs as she enters the kitchen.

Harrison watches her through his eyelashes, her half-up hairdo falling toward her face, the flash of skin pale, like the peel of the moon.

She grabs a glass he washed and fills it from the sink. Once a bulb forms across the surface, she tips it to her lips, and swallows deliberately.

Harrison watches as she checks the sink for unwashed dishes she knows aren’t there. As she adjusts a placement on her table that doesn’t need adjusting. As she spins herself on her toes around the kitchen island, her kimono splaying so he sees flashes of her thighs again. She dances like this back to her bedroom, where she sets her water glass on the dresser, and keeps the door wide open. 

I can’t not share this part I apologize there is some spice but also Harrison’s iconic Gay (TM) takedown at the end brings me so much joy:

Eliza exits the room a half hour later, except this time, doesn’t dance. Still, she steps carefully, her toes taut as she patters against the floorboards. Harrison watches her with his arms crossed, and stays like that, even when they make eye contact.

She startles and re-adjusts her kimono, so the clip of her skin disappears. She’s combed her hair since she and Lonan finished, and it sits gauzy over her forehead.

“Have you ever thought of buying a deadbolt?” he says, watching carefully as she turns and grabs a glass from a cabinet.

The refrigerator thrills when she opens it, a wash of gaudy tungsten yellowing her face. She sucks on her lip as she pulls out a bottle of orange juice, glugging a cupful into her mouth first, and then into a glass. 

“A deadbolt,” she says, a lightness in her voice—false innocence. “Why?”

“I’ve heard good things. Security. Privacy. You live alone, don’t you?”

She juts the orange juice to her lip fast, her chin bucking like she’s taking a shot. “I do.”

“You’re planning on keeping it that way?”

Eliza drains the last of the orange juice and rests the glass in the sink. She flicks on the tap so a stream splashes into its mouth like somersaults, diluting the juice until the glass cleans.

“There must be someone,” Harrison elaborates. He shifts, so his legs hang off the couch’s edge. The hardwood is cold, and for a moment, he feels like he’s stepping on water. “You’re seeing people, aren’t you? You live in Las Vegas. Good job. Decent apartment.”

Eliza shakes off the wet glass and sets it on the drying rack. “Are you interested?”

“I’m gay, but thanks. How does that work, anyway? Dating you. Would I send in an application? Self-addressed stamped envelope and all? Email?”

ugh more iconic Harrison I love him:

Harrison’s eyes focus on the lip balm and he imagines Lonan putting it there, his finger moving across her mouth and then down, like an anointment. “Isn’t that such a coincidence, then? You’re so selective, yet you manage to date two members of the same family.”

Her smile fades. Eliza clucks her tongue and wipes her mouth quickly with the back of her hand. Thoughtlessly, she refills the clean glass with more orange juice, and only realizes her mistake after the liquid sits precisely at the rim of the cup.

“Shit,” she says, wringing her hand out. “Shit.”

“I’ll drink it,” he says, and is already up and at the kitchen island before she puts another hand on the glass. Eliza almost scowls, but chews on her gums when she catches herself. She slides the glass across the granite, and a blip of orange juice jitters onto the surface. Harrison dabs his pinky in it and sucks it into his mouth. “I want to ask you a favour.”

“I’m not doing anything for you.”

He puts a hand against the fridge before she can move past him, and Eliza sighs, weaves her arms haughtily over her chest. “Cards.” The fridge rumbles to life under his fingertips, and Eliza jumps. “Play a game with me,” he says.

Sharing because of Harrison’s roast at the end, it’s really just one of those days:

Eliza’s a good shuffler. Easily, she dices the cards, the hard split of their edges when he usually shuffles almost non-existent. He’s only ever met one other person who can shuffle like her—his mother.

Harrison sips the orange juice as she shuffles the deck. In all truth, he doesn’t need the cards to be shuffled—he knows exactly which ones he needs. But her ease intrigues him, and he can’t help but feel mesmerized with each flitter of the deck.

“Where did you learn how to do that?” he asks after another long pull of juice.

She cuts the deck and continues. “My father.”

“I didn’t know you had parents.”

“I didn’t know your mother had children.”  

“I don’t think she knows either.”

Eliza rests the shuffled deck onto the countertop and nudges it toward him. He hasn’t told her what game they’re going to play, and as Harrison searches for his necessary cards, the prickle of her gaze deadens. He keeps at task, combing each card and pulling out the needed.             

“I would’ve liked to know.” Eliza says this nimbly. “You look like her.”        

Another pick. “Every son wants to look like their mother. What a dream.”      

“I meant that as a good thing.”

“And I meant what I said as a bad thing.” 

What a way to end this update lol! 

I’ll be back soon with an update for the final chapter in this book! I hope y’all have been okay in these times, I know it’s not easy. Let me know what you’re working on!

--Rachel

[jq37]

Ok thoughts on Six on Broadway fresh out of the theater (2/16; 3PM show):

First and most importantly it totally lived up to the hype that I've been trying and failing to not build up in my head since last year. And this might be the hypest audience I've ever been in. Everyone in line was talking like they already knew what was up and I saw a good amount of people in like crowns and space buns and stuff. And every single time a Queen got burned during the show, everyone “OOOOOOH”-ed like we were on Wild ‘N Out or something. 

While I was in line, I’m 95% sure I saw Toby Marlow sprint past me and then return 10 minutes later with a slice of pizza. 

I got a pin and I asked the dude for an Aragon pin and he was like, "Is that queen of the castle?" Like lol buddy welcome to your first weekend working at Six.

Before the show starts, they play pop songs but I assume with the keyboard set to organ or harpsichord sounds. The two songs I recognized were Truth Hurts and Havana.

If you’re here looking for intel on the seating situation, I had seats second from the top and way to the left and I still saw everything fine (and I am not a tall person) so I wouldn’t worry too much about where you’re sitting.  

Like I said before, it's such a hype show. Like even if you've heard the soundtrack or seen the show through ~other means~ I promise you're not ready.

Right when the show starts, they project out these Tudor rose projections into the audience which is a nice touch. It’s such a nice looking set in general with the lights in the back and the band up on stage. I really like how highlighted the band members are in this show as compared to other shows I’ve seen. It’s a hard job and I bet it’s nice to get the props. 

“Live in Consort” is the best pun in Six because it’s a reach but said with such confidence that you have to give to to her. 

"Donde esta my crown?" is already a funny line but it’s even funnier when you picture two British 20-somethings conceiving of the line.

Any time Aragon waves at the crowd, which is a lot, she Princess Diary waves which I love. 

A lot of people have had a lot to say about the American accents and it's honestly ridiculous. Like, we're already taking these historical figures so out of their original context that could hardly be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Like, Kathrine Howard can sing a Brittney Spears song but it has to be in a British accent? Come on. And I actually think some songs (like No Way and Get Down in particular) sound a little more natural in an American accent considering the artists they’re taking inspiration from.

I can’t believe they do this show without a break. This is like 90 minutes of pure cardio. It’s, “I’m getting exhausted watching you,” choreo. They didn’t stagedoor after and, tbh, good. Go lay down before the 8pm show please. That’s 100% what I’d be doing.

I have heard the Anne Boleyn intro before but it’s a million times funnier watching her actively peace out as she’s being talked about and then take a selfie and quickly stash her phone before the song starts. 

They really scrubbed as many of the “mate”s out of the show as possible which I get but I feel like I would have just left them alone since it’s such a common British-ism that I feel like people know. 

I was led to believe that in “Wearing Yellow to a Funeral,” Anne is cut off from calling Aragon a massive bitch but lol that was def a hard C and not a B they stopped her after. 

“What a weekend,” is also a killer line imo. 

Still wild that Elizabeth is never mentioned in this show except indirectly when Anne says when she had a daughter Henry killed her. 

Heart of Stone has def grown on me since I first heard it and Abby Mueller is obv amazing but it’s still weird to hear after a song about how this dude literally decapitated someone (“You’ve got a good heart?” Jane, what? Citation needed) and I think it’s good that it’s basically undercut immediately by the, “Severed head,” line by Anne. Also, I lowkey spent most of the song preparing for the cut to Haus of Holbein. 

I was not prepared for the cut to Haus of Holbein. 

Literally, I could not wipe the stupid grin off my face during the entirety of Cleves’ pre-HoH speech because I knew exactly the nonsense that was about to happen and it still surpassed my expectations. 

If I didn’t already know that Boleyn’s line was, “the whole of the Holy Roman Empire,” there is no way I would have understood any of that. The German accents during that scene truly do sound like they were told, “Do literally whatever,” and it’s so funny. 

Cleves’ throne rising out of the stage so she can sit in it is such a Moment.  

Brittney Mack’s operatic riff or whatever it’s called during the slow-mo part of Get Down is so, so, so fill the room amazing. Man it was so good. Also, I 100% did not realize that on the “take my fur” line, they breakaway rip her little jacket off and it’s this cool sparkly bodice piece under. Based on audience reaction, neither did they. 

I feel like everyone always talks about Boleyn’s energy in this show and they should because they’re right but--speaking for the Broadway cast--she’s for sure second to Cleves in terms of raw energy. 

During the roast, I think to Aragon, Howard strokes her cheek with the back of her hand which is super funny, as is her shaking her fists at the sky after the, “When will justice be served,” line to Jane.

Not a Surprise: I also Wasn’t Ready for All You Wanna Do. 

AYWD is the song I was most curious to see audience reaction to (w/ HoH being a close second) because, you know, it’s an ostensibly fun song except that it’s awful. But I think the mood of the audience kinda followed Howard’s. When she was joking around, everyone kinda felt like they had permission to joke around too--like there’s a part in the choreo that happens more than once where they put her hands on her and she shrugs them off and the first time it happened there was a laugh but when it happened again during the third verse when she’s clearly Over It and dancing in a really rote and exhausted way, no laugh.

(Sidenote: The juxtaposition of Cleves and Howard--arguably the most and least successful Queens--is always to interesting to me. The placement of such a “I’m so Dope,” song next to a, “My life was trash,” song. And, now having seen it, there’s a part in the Get Down choreo where all the other queens have their hands all over Cleves in a hyping her up kinda way and, as, in contrast, Howard is getting touched constantly in AYWD and it’s Bad.)

(Double sidenote: During verse four of AYWD, there’s a part where everyone walks in front of Howard and they duck so they don’t block her and Andrea like basically didn’t duck at all. It was lowkey super funny). 

Anyway, the breakdown was rough. By which I mean extremely good but rough to listen to. Like, I know it’s a part of the song so I knew it was coming but I’m so used to the studio version that listening to her full on sob through the last chorus was A Lot. You could feel the air sucked out of the room. Huge props to Sam Pauly.

So, iirc, in the West End version of the show, post Howard’s song is the fight which dissolves into literal hair pulling/having to break people up. In this version, it doesn’t got that far. They get to comparing miscarriages and the Cleves breaks it up and tells Parr it’s her turn. Then, she gets an intro to an upbeat sounding song that we never actually hear because she can’t bring herself to sing it. Then she goes into the same (or at least a similar) speech about, “We shouldn’t do this,” which leads into IDNYL.

When Katherine does the, “Katherine de Valois, I mean I don’t know,” line, Cleves looks at her like, “Bitch what?”

When Boleyn gives the, “Everyone notices that Jane can’t dance,” line, I didn’t catch Jane’s reaction like I wanted to because Aragon immediately breaks into a sidebar with her like, “Right? That’s totally true.”

During Jane’s verse in Six, everyone is actually pretty down with the Tudor Von Trapps line and then she says Royaling Stones and loses everyone. 

I didn’t realize that they did the same couples choreo during the Six that they do for Ex-Wives but I like that a lot. Very circular. 

It is extremely hard to not sing during a show like Six, especially once you’ve conditioned yourself for the past six or so month to start spitting out lyrics the second you hear any of these songs start. I really really hope they have Sing-A-Long tix at some point because I am willing to shell out for that and I think a lot of people in that audience would have as well.

Some random dude at a light say me holding my playbills and asked how I liked the show because he’d good things which, if an omen for the show’s prospects, is a good one. Opening weekend is probably not a fantastic gauge of show longevity because of course all of the hypest fans would be out now but if it can keep up this energy then man they’re gonna have a hit (well, a further hit). 

[vagrantblvrd]

Communication Breakdown (1/1)

Summary: Matt fucked up.

He really, really fucked up.

Gavin is staring at him in shock and the rest of the crew is in various states of panic and alarm and Matt’s really fucked up now.

Notes: For @queen-bitchiest​  who asked for something based on this post that kind of sort of got away from me and is somewhat similar. /o\

(Read on AO3)

Matt fucked up.

He really, really fucked up.

Gavin is staring at him in shock and the rest of the crew is in various states of panic and alarm and Matt’s really fucked up now.

(To be fair, Gavin’s been pissing Matt off for the last forever, doing the stupidest shit and thinking it’s just fine and dandy and all of that and Matt has had fucking enough, okay? So much enough he doesn’t have the words for how much enough.)

“...What?”

Matt clears his throat, glancing at the others – still confused as hell and trying to make sense of the scene in front of them - and Matt’s bad knee is not enjoying any of this, okay.

So not.

“I said,” Matt says, clearing his throat again because that goddamn cough is acting up again. “Will you marry me, you piece of shit.”

There’s -

“Wow,” Jack says, first to recover. “Just. Wow, Matt.”

Michael has this look on his face like he’s been sucking lemons, hand clamped on Jeremy’s shoulder tight enough that even he’s wincing. Hissing at Michael to ease up a bit, Jesus Christ, Michael.

Matt has no fucking clue what that’s about, but hey whatever. He’s busy staring Gavin down like the idiot has a gun on him and fuck him anyway.

Idiot looks like he’s been through a meat-grinder, all bloody and beat up. Those fucking gold-framed sunglasses of his hooked into the collar of his shirt, lenses cracked and broken and goddamn him anyway.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not what you said before,” Ryan points out, quibbling just to quibble.

Geoff looks like he wishes these assholes he recruited could stop with their bullshit for like, five goddamn minutes for once.

Lindsay snaps a picture of Matt down on one knee in front of Gavin on her phone and sends it to someone. (Odds are good it’s Trevor who took Alfredo and Fiona out of town for a job because they have an agreement.)

And, okay, yes.

The first time Matt didn’t call Gavin a piece of shit – out loud, at any rate – but they all know he was thinking it. Especially after Gavin’s little adventure today.

“Matt,” Gavin says, strained note to his voice. “Could I have a word with you in private?”

Matt opens his mouth to tell him no, no he can not because he knows what Gavin’s about to say, but this being Gavin, eh doesn’t give him the chance.

No, Gavin pulls Matt to his feet and drags him along behind him as they head for the conference room, catcalls and Geoff’s despairing, “Don’t fuck in my conference room, you assholes!” following them.

========

The décor in the conference room is very...bland.

No-nonsense hardwood laminate and this odd off-white paint for the walls. Glass-topped conference table with brushed-steel legs.

The view’s nice, looks out over the city. You can see the mountains in the distance, and if it’s a clear day you can almost see Chiliad.

“Matt,” Gavin says, a little shaky. “What. What was that?”

Matt staring out the windows, but it’s the opposite of a clear day. Fat, heavy rain clouds with lightning and thunder out over Vinewood and moving towards the penthouse.

Supposed to be one hell of a storm rolling in, at least a couple of inches of rain before night rolls around.

Matt looks over at Gavin, who still looks like shit, by the way, and crosses his arms. (Gavin almost got himself killed today, and Matt is not okay with  that in any way, as though that will change things. Make the reckless idiot think twice before pulling those stunts of his.)

“What?” Matt asks, frown on his face and just enough confusion thrown in there that for a moment Gavin looks like he’s doubting himself, what he thinks he heard in the penthouse’s living room. “I didn't say anything.”

And, alright.

That's pushing things a little too far because Gavin’s eyes narrow, all the stupid, reckless decision making abilities he has shoved aside to make way for the sharp-eyed bastard that enjoys playing dumb too damn much.

“There was a plan,” Gavin says, although which one he’s talking about is up for debate. “We had a plan, Matt.”

They did, didn’t they.

“Oh?” Matt says. “Which one might that be, Gavin? The one where you were supposed to stick with Ryan, and not go off on your own? Or maybe you mean the one where you avoid the pack of guards with itchy trigger fingers? Ooh, or maybe - “

God, there are so many plans Gavin could be talking about. And true, they’re all smaller components to the master plan for the heist, but still.

“Uh,” Gavin says, like he realizes he’s stepped into a mine-field here. “None of the above?”

Matt stares at Gavin.

Look, he knows, okay. Matt knows this...thing they’ve been doing the past few weeks is a farce. Knows none of it was real, was just Gavin being Gavin, trying to get the others off his back about his dating dry spell. (And it’s not like there’s a dating site for criminals or anything, so Matt doesn’t know what they were thinking, but whatever.)

Matt drew the short straw and he was fine, just fine with pretending to be Gavin’s plus one because hey, why not?

It was funny at first, watching the others react to the news Gavin was dating him. That he and Matt were a Thing. The expressions of horror and disgust as he and Gavin tried to out-do one another with pet names at every available opportunity, Matt trying to hold his shit together while Gavin simpered at him over the comms and just.

He kind of forgot for a while it wasn’t – look, he knows it will never happen, just.

Matt forgot, let himself get swept along in Gavin’s chaos and had fun. Enjoyed himself a little too much and -

Point is, point is, for the last few weeks Matt’s life has been a super crappy romcom, and he just made things worse.

There was supposed to be this dramatic breakup after the heist, just enough to have everyone else fall for it hook, line, and sinker. Get them to buy it the way they thought someone like Gavin would be interested in someone like Matt – great joke, right? - but Matt fucked that up.

Saw Gavin standing there after everything that happened giving him this look, all well? Get on with it then, we don’t have all day like he hadn’t come so damn close to dying, and Matt snapped.

Just.

Fucking snapped the way the betting pool Jack’s got going Matt’s not supposed to know about says he’s bound to one day with all the shit the crew gives him.

Matt snapped and instead of breaking up with Gavin he proposed to him.

Gavin’s still watching him.

Head tipped to the side and this little frown on his face, puzzling out what the hell’s gotten into Matt.

“Matt,” Gavin says, oddly formal about it. “While I know it can be confusing, breaking up rarely involves a marriage proposal.”

They kind of do? (Or maybe Matt’s lived a very different life from Gavin, because yeah. He's seen shit go down like this before.)

“Shows what you know,” Matt mutters.

Gavin sighs, and shuffles over to one of the conference room chairs. Makes this pained little noise as he sits down, winces just the tiniest bit.

“Matt,” he says, and gently pats the table. “Sit the hell down and talk to to me.”

Oh, such sweet nothings.

“I’m good where I am, thanks,” Matt says, always too stubborn for his own good.

Several minutes go by while Gavin studies him, wheels turning in that head of his.

Alright then, love,” Gavin says, and Matt’s fingers dig into his arm at how the term of endearment just slips off his tongue so easily.

Light and soft and not Matt’s alone because Gavin’s just as likely to call one of the others that or someone he bumps into on the street than Matt, so.

Yeah.

Not his, and he’s fine with that, but the past few weeks have fucked with Matt’s head a little too much. Gotten everything he used to keep (somewhat) neat and orderly in and locked down tight in his head all jumbled together and he’s just.

He’s tired.

“Matt,” Gavin says, concern creeping into his voice. “Are you okay?”

Matt kind of wants to laugh, or is it cry?

“I’m fine, Gavin,” he says, because he always is, right? Good old Matt Bragg, always there when the others need him, even if it’s to play fake boyfriend for some dumbshit. “Just fine.”

Gavin sighs, and when Matt looks over he realizes Gavin looks tired too.

Gotta be hurting like a son of a bitch too, after the day he’s had. Too many close calls and an unhealthy amount of explosions in his vicinity and all that.

“You should have someone look you over,” Matt says, done with this conversation. “You look like shit.”

Gavin’s mouth twists, but Matt’s not in the mood for his bullshit anymore.

“I’ve got...stuff to do,” he says. He trusts B-Team to have things in hand, all the post-heist work they have to do to keep the authorities off their backs, but he needs to be doing something. Cant’ just stand around with his thumb up his ass reliving one of the worst days of his life in his head while Gavin sits there staring at him like he doesn’t get it. “I’ll talk to you later.”

He leaves before Gavin can say anything else, pushes past the cluster of idiots outside the conference room doors and ignores the looks they give him as he does.

========

Matt hides out as much as he can for the next week, makes up excuses and flat-out lies to avoid facing the others in any capacity. (Thank God for B-Team running interference or he might have had to talk about his feelings.)

But then, you know.

The food poisoning hits, and he’s vulnerable like a turtle turtle turned on its back. Or is that tortoises?

Whichever one it is, he’s too sick to run when Trevor finally catches him.

“There you are.”

Matt doesn’t cringe, no.

That would just tip Trevor off as to Matt’s horrible life choices even more. No, Matt just feel his stomach clench up on him. (Could be the food poisoning, but he doesn’t get the accompanying nausea, just this all-over dread, so. Probably the feelings thing.)

“Matt?” Trevor asks, and then when Matt pretends he can’t hear him what with his headphones in, sternly, “Matt Bragg”

Matt would keep pretending he can’t hear Trevor, but then the asshole yanks the cord of his headphone out of Matt’s computer and he has to slap at the keyboard to mute the volume before it’s too late and Trevor hears what he’s listening to.

“Is that...Matt. Is that Sarah McLachlan ?”

Matt winces, and doesn’t deny it. (But oh, would he love to.)

“It’s a scientific fact,” Matt says, trying to hold on to whatever dignity he has left. “It's a scientific fact that listening to sad music after a breakup is beneficial.”

He’s pretty sure he just pulled that out of his ass, but whatever. The saddest song he can think of is from that one damned humane society commercial, God knows he feels like shit just thinking about it.

And...you know, the thing where he and Gavin weren’t actually dating, but. Uh. Details?

Trevor stares at him for a moment before shaking his head.

“Okay, whatever the hell that’s all about aside, I came to check on you.”

Well, obviously, what with Trevor picking the locks on Matt’s front door, yes.

“And!” Trevor continues, “I brought you a gift.”

That’s...concerning.

Deeply, deeply concerning.

Trevor’s smiling.

“Uh - “

Trevor’s smiling and Matt’s known him too long not to recognize the warning signs, and yet he’s still caught by surprise when Trevor reveals said “gift”.

“Bring him in!” Trevor calls out, like a demented game show host ushering in a contestant.

Behind Trevor Matt’s front door swings open to show Jeremy and a reluctant looking Gavin. Jeremy all but dragging Gavin inside, this manic grin on his face as he gives Gavin a little shove towards Matt and then blocks the door.

“Hey, Matt!” Jeremy says, and bright and cheerful and not a little terrifying. “Look who we found!”

Would you look at that? The nausea’s back, because Gavin’s not looking at him.

Is, in fact, looking at Trevor and Jeremy, everything thing about him screaming that he doesn’t want to be here, dear God you two, please let him leave,.

Trevor’s smiles kicks up another notch as he leans around Gavin and pins Matt with a look.

“You two kids play nice now,” he says with a wink. “We’ll be right outside.”

What.

“What?”

But Trevor borrows Matt’s earlier trick of selective hearing because he just waltzes right on out of Matt’s apartment with Jeremy and shuts the door behind them.

“Uh,” Matt says again, because what the hell? “Hey, Gavin.”

Gavin flinches, which is never a good sign.

He flinches, and turns to look at Matt.

Still looks like shit, but like. Less so.

The bruises are fading, no longer that dark, ugly purple Matt remembers from the penthouse. The cuts on his face and neck have scabbed over, should heal without scarring.

But there are dark marks under his eyes that weren’t there the last time Matt saw him, and he looks. Tired. Not the way he normally looks, burning the candle at both ends and thriving off it, no, he looks exhausted.

“You look like shit in a completely different way,” Matt says, because he’s never had a whole brain-to-mouth filter, and boy has that gotten him into trouble in the past. “No offense.”

Gavin makes a face at that, mouth quirking into the tiniest of smiles.

“Oh, no offense taken then since you said that, Matt,” he says, dumb little in-joke with them.

And then you know, an awkward pause.

Neither of them want to be here having the discussion they’re about to have because Trevor and Jeremy are assholes.

“I have a fire escape?” Matt offers, waves a hand more or less in the right direction. “But I have a feeling they roped Alfredo into this mess, and you know Alfredo.”

No doubt set up in a sniper’s nest in case they try to sneak out the back.

“Oh, they did,” Gavin says, eyes darting to Matt’s living room windows. “Fiona’s out there too.”

Jesus.

That’s something Matt didn’t need to know considering she has to be itching to take him down for all the shit he gives her.

“Awesome,” Matt says, because really.

Awesome.

Gavin’s watching Matt, this little frown between his eyes. All concerned and shit.

“You look terrible,” Gavin says, takes a step towards Matt before he stops himself, pulls the hand that was reaching towards him back with a jerky little motion. “Are you alright?”

Matt is super not alright, because the food poisoning. (And also his terrible life choices, but mainly the food poisoning at this point.)

“Well, you know,” Matt says. “Food poisoning will do that to you.”

Interestingly enough, Gavin winces. Opens and closes his mouth a few times like he’s got something to say and just doesn’t know how.

Like maybe he knows something Matt doesn’t, or just. Who even knows.

“Gavin?”

Gavin does the thing he does when he’s trying to translate from Gavin to English and failing, so he settles for vague hand gestures and words that are kind of sort of almost right with random noises thrown in.

It sounds like gibberish, and Matt can never tell if it’s some kind of British slang or Gavin’s brain shorting out.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that?”

Gavin sighs, looking at Matt like he’s the idiot here.

“I said,” Gavin says. “You should be nicer to Sarah.”

Matt’s positive that isn’t what Gavin said, but sure.

Also.

“Wait.”

Gavin raises his eyebrows, corner of his mouth ticking up like he thinks something is hilarious but he doesn’t want to look like an asshole. (Too late, but Matt appreciates the attempt.)

“Wait.”

Matt likes Sarah, he does. Gives her a lot of grief because he likes her, because like everyone else in the crew it’s how he shows affection or some shit. (They’re all a fucked up.)

Problem is, Sarah is a monster of a human being.

Plays all sweet and nice, but Matt knows she’s plotting behind his back, waiting for the right moment to   lay him low so she can take his place and rule with an iron fist or some shit.

Or, you know. Just lay him low because he gives her shit and she’s not someone who takes kindly to that, whichever.

“She brought me my lunch,” Matt says, feeling like a detective in some shitty Vinewood movie putting the pieces together.

Sarah brought Matt his lunch, and the  the food poisoning happened and he was too busy trying to puke up his guts to ponder overmuch how the food poisoning happened, or question if it was intentional.

“Oh my God,” Matt says, impressed despite of himself because she was so smooth about it, all happy smiles and kind and generous to get lunch for B-Team, just doing a good deed and dear God she’s far more devious than he gave her credit for. “Oh my God.”

Gavin bites his lip, looks away. Doesn’t laugh at Matt while struggles to come to terms with this most heinous of betrayals, no.

God no, Gavin would never.

“If it helps,” Gavin says, shoulders shaking just the tiniest bit. “I’m certain Trevor put her up to it.”

That...yeah. That doesn’t surprise Matt as much. Trevor would thinking giving Matt food poisoning would give him the perfect opening to instigate this...whatever this is.

(Oh, everyone thinks Trevor’s the nice one. All polite and shit, but no. Trevor is the worst one in the entire crew, including Sarah.)

“Of course he did,” Matt mutters. “It’s Trevor.”

Gavin clears his throat, shuffles his feet.

Catches Matt eye for a moment, this smile on his face before he looks away again just as fast.

Looks awkward as hell and Matt can’t figure out if that little flicker of guilt he saw on his face before he did was real or just a figment of his imagination.

And then -

“I bollocksed everything up between us, didn't I?” Gavin asks, staring at the ugly little garden garden gnome statue Jeremy stole for Matt on a dare with a frown on his face. “Did everything all wrong.”

Matt says nothing. He’s not sure what he can say, so he lets Gavin talk it out since that seems to be what he needs right now.

Something about the crew giving him grief over his non-existent romantic life and Gavin having enough. Wanting just a little bit of peace and quiet on that front as he wrestled with crew business and gearing up for the heist and a million and one other things.

Matt makes noises in the appropriate places because knows all about that, remembers Gavin explaining it to him when he made that indecent proposal of his. (Should have been a warning sign he did it over dinner, took Matt out to one of his favorite places to sweeten the deal. Butter him up, all that stuff.)

“It just...” Gavin sighs, gives Matt this wry smile. “It all got out of hand.”

That’s one way to put it.

“I thought,” Gavin sighs again, frustrated. “I thought I had it under control. Figured it was just for a little while, that I wouldn’t...wouldn’t lose sight of things.”

Matt’s stomach does this little flip, a dip and roll and the nausea is...doing something. Has him sinking down on his couch and giving Gavin a wordless shrug as he mimes food poisoning kind of sucks at him, or something close enough that Gavin seems to get it.

Matt watches as Gavin takes a seat in the crappy arm chair on the other side of Matt’s coffee table. Sees him fiddle with the strings on his hoodie, worrying the knot between his fingers.

“Michael told me it was a bad idea,” Gavin says, mumbles almost. “Said I was playing with fire, going to get burned and all that, but I didn’t listen to him. Told him he couldn’t say anything, and you know how he is.”

Oh, Matt knows.

Asshole would have either gone to Matt the moment he figured everything out to fuck with Gavin or he’d have Gavin’s back the whole way. (Or a little bit of both, give Matt more shit than usual and drop little comments here and there that were confusing as hell at the time, but now? Yeah. That whole hindsight thing is a bitch.)

Gavin makes a face, waves his hand in even more vague gestures.

“Can’t keep a secret from Michael to save my life,” he says. “Bastard’s good at sniffing ‘em out.”

Or maybe he just knows Gavin that well. (Also, Matt’s will pass on the nose jokes because the mood in the room is all wrong. Noble sacrifice on his part right there.)

Gavin shrugs, like he knows what Matt’s thinking.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to go the way it did,” Gavin says, fingers moving on to picking the hoodie string apart, undoing the knot and unraveling the string. “But it was just too much bloody fun messing with the others, but then it...”

Gavin trails off, frowning at the bits of fabric stuck under his nails like he doesn’t know where they came from. Scowls as he sets to pulling them free, making a messy pile of shredded fluff on Matt’s coffee table like an asshole.

“It got complicated,” Matt finishes for him. Because it did. He knows what Gavin means, because it really was fun at first.

The two of them fucking with the others, and just enjoying the ride. Getting the chance to know one another better, which was the main problem. Kicked that crush Matt had on Gavin into overdrive. Made him realize that hey, wow, that little crush he’d had on Gavin since he joined the crew wasn’t middle school infatuation with the guy. That he had feelings for Gavin even though he damn well knew better than that.

Knew perfectly well what a piece of shit Gavin was and he still liked him. (Liked-liked, even.)

But by then it was too late to keep himself from getting hurt and he knew that, he did, he just didn’t give a damn.

Gavin plucks the last bit of cloth out from under his nails and sighs.

“Yeah,” he says, sounding tired and defeated and guilty as Matt’s ever heard him. “That.”

Which, okay, great. Nice to know and everything, but -

“I like you,” Gavin blurts out, still staring at his hands, his nails. “A lot, Matt. I like you a lot.”

Matt doesn’t know what that means in this context.

“Well,” he says. Stops. Thinks, or tries to, but he’s kind of an idiot. “That’s great to hear, Gavin. I like you too.”

God, they sound like toddlers.

No, worse, because toddlers can express their emotions. What the two of them are doing is just sad.

Gavin looks up at him, like Matt’s not understanding him.

“No,” he says, insistent. “I like you, Matt.”

...Okay?

Gavin stares at Matt, who looks back feeling like he’s missing something but no clue what it could be and oh, Jesus, he hates moments like these, okay. Really, really hates them because they end with Matt being used as bait or conned into doing something he super doesn’t want to be part of. (See: Pretending to Date Gavin-fucking-Free as just one example.)

“Oh my God,” Gavin says, laughter a little hysterical at the edges. “Oh my God, Matt.”

Matt freezes when Gavin shoves himself to his feet and climbs over Matt’s coffee table - “Hey, my coffee table!” - to stand in front of him.

Looks down at Matt with that frown on his face again, the puzzle-solving one and sighs as he gives Matt this smile.

Soft and warm and too...too much.

Has Matt trying to move, back away from him because no>, but there’s nowhere for him to go. Can’t climb over the back of the couch because his balance is shit at the moment, and also he’s not the athletic sort.

Also, he might puke if he tries it.

“Matt Bragg,” Gavin says, and gets down on his knees in front of Matt to put them on even ground.

...Even-ish.

“You’re kind of an idiot, Matt Bragg,” Gavin says, and the way his voice sounds is all kinds of unfair, just as soft and affectionate as that damned smile of his. “And I’m not sure why, but I like that about you.”

That’s. Wow. Flattering?

“Um, thanks?”

Gavin rolls his eyes, because Matt isn’t a hundred percent on board with whatever it is he’s doing here – giving Matt backhanded compliments while confusing the hell out of him maybe? - and shakes his head.

“I’d like to date you,” Gavin says in one big rush. Breathes. “Properly, I mean. Take you out to all your favorite...restaurants and to movies and all that.”

Matt squints at Gavin.

He knows that that hesitation regarding Matt’s “restaurants” was all about. Knows everyone in the crew cannot fathom how he hasn’t died of scurvy or malnutrition yet with the way he eats. Knows what Gavin thinks about all of it, and yet here he is being mildly insulting about it.

That’s Gavin making an effort, really trying. More than Matt ever hoped for, and it’s -

Matt likes it.

Likes that Gavin’s making an effort here, letting Matt see him like this when he’s always so guarded about things. (Laughs and jokes, sure, and always, always deflecting.)

He’s still having a hard time buying someone as brilliant, as vibrant as Gavin would be interested in someone as – well. Someone like Matt, but there’s this part of him that wants to because Matt knows Gavin’s a piece of shit, sure, but he’s not someone who’d knowingly set out to fuck with Matt’s feelings.

Leap of faith, trust fall. Something like that.

“Wow,” Matt says, and he doesn’t know if the way his heart kicks him in the chest is related to the food poisoning or something else, or if it’s anything to do with how nervous Gavin looks right now. “That really hurt you to say didn’t it.”

Gavin’s eyes widen, and Matt can see him jumping to all the wrong conclusions, so he just.

“Okay,” Matt says, and laughs at the way Gavin chokes a little bit between trying to apologize harder and the confusion at Matt’s easy agreement. “Yeah, okay. We can do that. The dating thing. I’m super on board with that.”

Gavin’s not wrong about Matt being an idiot, because talk about smooth, but hey. Gavin’s the idiot who wants to date Matt, so what does that say about him?

And yes, for the record Matt knows he’s insulting himself there, but seriously.

Gavin could have anyone he wanted and he’s choosing Matt.

And sure, there’s every chance this won’t work out between them, but that’s the risk anyone takes when they date someone, isn’t it?

Give him a little hope and he goes all optimistic, doesn’t he? Because it’s possible this can still blow up in their faces, but Matt’s trying to ignore that for the moment. Wants to believe it can (it can) work between them if they’re both willing to put in some effort, be a little more honest with one another.

“...I feel like you’re laughing at me, Matt Bragg.”

Matt pastes on an innocent expression, because good lord no, Gavin. He would never dare do such a thing.

“Perish the thought,” he says, and laughs at the look Gavin gives him because they’re both idiots and this is such a bad idea, but that’s kind of what they do, so there’s that.

Gavin sighs again, but there’s a smile playing on his lips and he looks. He looks happy, like he can’t believe Matt’s giving him a chance, second one or whatever this is, and that can’t be a bad thing.

“Hey,” Matt says, leans forward and waits until Gavin does the same. “I kind of like you too, Gavin.”