#had a Freudian slip where I tried to tag Juliet as Juliet Rahimi

[vague-bisexual-crimes]

Thursday - “I am not afraid; I was born to do this”

I look at the candles and wish for what I always wish for, which is to be happy. Then I blow them out. Everyone cheers and claps.

Lister starts jumping up and down and singing along immediately, cape flapping about behind him. He skips around the room again, trying to persuade various stylists to join in, even trying to get Cecily to join in (which of course she doesn’t, because she’s too busy tapping away at her phone). Then he comes up to me and takes my hands, pulling me around, galloping across the floor, then pulling me up onto the sofa and bouncing up and down in time to the music like we’re on a trampoline. Rowan used to have a trampoline in his back garden. Well, I guess it’s probably still there.

I feel happy, maybe. Just did a little bit. Maybe my wish came true.

Maybe I sort of knew it was a lie all along.

“I’ve called [Bliss], like, fifty times,” says Rowan, chuckling sadly. “I get that she’d be upset, but…it’s not like this is my fault…Why doesn’t she just want to talk to me about it?” He looks down at his phone again. “Where is she?” Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise Bliss you can (NOT!!!) avoid or ignore your way out of this!!

Ok I’m having Blowan Laimondi thoughts. Specifically about Bliss kind of being Rowan’s person. Outside of like them being in a relationship, but everyone else he’s close to he feels like he’s responsible for, that he has to take care of, keep in line, but Bliss has sort of been this exception where he can just be the old man that he is with her. And sure, their relationship has been deteriorating and suffering from long distance before now, but he never expected her to just stop answering his calls, his texts, to actively push him away because she can’t deal with everyone knowing about their relationship, but for Rowan all he wants is to talk to her because they’re in this together and why doesn’t she want to talk to him about it?

“We’re gonna have no time at all I’m gonna have no time to see her ever.” […] “If it’s any less than we have now, it’s basically nothing.” [Rowan] says. A lot of times people focus on how Jimmy, especially in the mid-late part of the week is just like a trapped animal, and soon enough, he does run away from it all, but Rowan’s also so trapped and suffocating from their current schedule and the looming presence of the new contract, he just doesn’t see a way out of it. Because why would he give up everything he’s ever dreamed of just because he’s a little stressed and tired and never gets to see his girlfriend or his family, he has everything he’s wanting since he was a kid and he’s doing it with his two best friends. But Rowan is the one who’s still clinging to this idea that if he just hangs on he just does what the new contract says, everything will be better, they’ll break America, they’ll have even more opportunities as a band, and soon, eventually, surely, everything else will get better. He’s spiraling and he refuses to recognize it. Especially in the last couple days when he really loses grip of everything with Jimmy and the band and then Lister and I don’t think he copes with it well in-book or post-book.

Alright you know what time it is. Bathroom incident. Fucking terrifying, frankly. Let’s start with the fact that Lister is drunk off his ass and Jimmy is and has been heavily dissociating and is simply not entirely there in this scene. Secondly, Jimmy’s internal monologue when Lister kisses him is so ! aromantic Jimmy is real and true and canon and you cannot tell me otherwise. My stomach lurches. Not because I’m excited, but because I’m shocked and I’m getting flashbacks of the last time I did this. Never my idea, is it? I’d also like to add that I think Jimmy’s kiss with Magnet and then Lister both heavily contributed to his sense of having no control in his life, aside from the fact that he was indifferent-negative about kissing either of them.

It’s never the way it should be, the way it looks in the movies. That sort of starlight romance doesn’t exist for me

Some parallels in Jimmy and Angel chapters that I really like: “Only one more show! Then we can rest in peace!” He sounds cheerful but I’m still reeling from what just happened and “rest in peace” keeps ringing around my brain, again, and again, and again. / Then I’ll ask them for a photo in which Jimmy and Rowan are holding my hands and Lister is doing a peace sign behind my head. And then I can rest in peace.

“Owen…?” She says. “I meant…” says Mac, but he can’t even remember Rowan’s name. “I know exactly what you meant,” says Juliet. She nods and laughs. “I know exactly what you meant.” For someone so small, she suddenly looks terrifying. “You’re not really an Ark fan, are you?” She says. “What? Thats—” “You just lied about it to me this whole time because you fancy me, don’t you?” she says. Mac goes a deep red color. “It’s not…like that…” “What is it like, then?” Juliet grins at him. It’s vicious. “Go on.” But he can’t think of anything to say. “Bliss was right,” she whispers, almost to herself. “Oh my God.”

RAIN MOTIF RAIN MOTIF RAIN MOTIF

Rowan pulls me away from the group and puts his hands on my shoulders. “I know a lot of shit’s happened this week,” says Rowan in that very parental voice he puts on when I’m freaking out about something unnecessary, “and I know that makes your anxiety worse, but you d got to calm down. Nothing bad has happened to you, Jimjam. Nothing bad is happening to you.” “Everything’s bad.” “Nothing bad is going to happen to you.” But it feels like it is. “I am not afraid,” says Rowan softly. “Remember?” “I am not afraid,” I whisper, but the second half of that quote, I was born for this, swirls around my mind and makes me want to run. I can hear the rain outside. Wait—no. That’s not rain. That’s the fans. And what if I just started violently sobbing? What then? Oh my god they love each other. God. I am not afraid. That’s not rain that’s the fans.

No how in the hell did that girl get a brick past security?? You can’t even get like. a drawstring backpack in a venue anymore.

RAIN MOTIF BUT AS A FLOOD NOW!!! BUT IT’S THE CROWD!!! NOAH’S ARK REFERENCE!!!

I didn’t get to meet The Ark. I didn’t get to tell them anything. I didn’t get to thank them. All I have is the image of Rowan’s bloodstained face.

Love the Creation of Adam mention with Cecily and Rowan.

Angel how did you come to “maybe it’s asthma” before “panic attack”

Also. massive props for how Alice writes Jimmy’s anxiety and panic attacks. Very very good

Also yes Angel yelling will help not make it worse! Fr she is TRYING HER BEST but she still thinks this could be ASTHMA or DRUGS

“Why are you helping me?” […] “I love you,” I tell him. His expression drops. He looks down at the floor. “You don’t love me. You don’t know me,” he says. “Do you even know what love is?” […] “Do you?”

I don’t exactly black out, but I just stop registering what’s happening around me. It’s not really happening to me. It’s all just happening to this body that people call Jimmy Kaga-Ricci. The body that people call Jimmy Kaga-Ricci isn’t even me, anyway. Never has been. People look at Jimmy and they don’t see me. They see Jimmy Kaga-Ricci. Smiley, dreamy musician Jimmy Kaga-Ricci. Not the actual Jimmy. Let’s hear it for dissociation

I get why Rowan wanted to do the show anyway, on like, principle or whatever, but Cecily was making some points when she was like hey this is massive security breach who knows what else they brought in here. And he was STILL like no we’re playing the show??? Also, baby, you’re probably concussed.

“The fans? They have taken everything from me. They have taken my privacy. They have taken my girlfriend. They’ve taken the fucking world fro me. Do you understand that? I can’t even fucking go outside anymore.” Do you ever think about how they’re all 18 and 19?

Jimmy was FULLY prepared to pretend Lister kissing him never happened he was like and why are you even bringing that up?

“No one can do anything to surprise me anymore,” I say, and start to laugh at him. It’s funny because it’s true. “No one can do anything to surprise me anymore.” […] “I’m not in here anymore,” I say, pointing at my chest. “This is all happening to someone else.”

Shoutout Alex the hairdresser

Oh Angel and Juliet

“From the moment you met me in real life and I didn’t live up to your expecting. Well, I’m sorry I don’t want to talk about The Ark all the time. I’m sorry I actually wanted us to get to know each other as people, not just Ark fans.” “I at least thought you’d be excited to see The Ark, but I guess you’re not.” “There are more important things going on than a boy band.” “Like what?” I shout […] “Er, I don’t know, like friendships and relationships and actually making real human connections?”

“You were the special internet friend.”

Another parallel: I’m sure that when The Ark arrive, I will feel happy. / I’m sure that when we start playing, I’ll feel happy.

Riddle me how I was SURPRISED when Jimmy realized his knife was missing?? I KNEW THAT!!! FULLY!!! THIS IS THE EIGHTH TIME I’VE READ THIS BOOK!!!!!

Rowan holds out a hand. “Jimmy, we haven’t got time for this.” I take hand and stand up. “Sorry,” I say. “What have you lost?” He asks. Everything, I want to say.

JOAN OF ARC!!! JOAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I get the urge to cry again. Why do I feel like he’s died when he’s right there in front of me?

They staff playing the opening bars of “Joan of Arc.” I feel nothing. I just find back and stare up at them, waiting, praying for something good to happen, something good to make me feel okay again, just as if always has until today. But I don’t feel anything

Let’s hear it for the illusion of The Ark being shattered and Angel’s main method of coping with life being violently stripped away from her

I open my mouth to start the final chorus.