#hELP I CANT

[willgrahamscock]

Sorry I didn’t respond I was booping myself

[qtboni]

hi AGAIN.

ugh i cant get out of your fucking page. its like i live here like a rat

im back, hi, have another req bc i just thought of it and needed it in my veins.

how about some comfort from fatherfigure!price? like reader is sad kinda and he helps? maybe reader "accidentally" calls him dad, nothing to /srs

(im mentally okay i swear😭)

idk if you even do price tbh, i haven't seen it on your page tho

anyways i needed to write this somewhere or ill forget and like wither away into nothing or sum shit

im being dramatic. i think.

okay thats it bye bye dearest boni.

(sorry im constently blowing up your asks😭😭)

HAI LOVIE !! THIS WAS SO FUNNY TO WRITE AGHSHS ALSO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LOMG OMG.

╰﹒ 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓'𝐃 𝐔 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 ?

PAIRING: Captain 'John' Price X Reader

C/W: comfort & humor! + gn!reader, explicit words, price playin' wit chu, somebody ate your cake (it was soap don't tell him tho /hj)

W/C: 1.3k

"What's got you looking so down today, sergeant?" Captain Price asked in his usual stern voice as he entered the living room, noticing the dejected look on your face.

You had been sitting on the sofa for hours now, cleaning your holster and moping around. He approached you with a glass of water in hand.

"Somebody ate my cake," you slowly replied, your voice heavy with emotion. You didn't usually get sad over such small things, but today, you feel so tired.

"Are you telling me that you're this upset over a slice of cake?" he asked, a hint of amusement in his tone. Captain Price raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised to hear something like that coming from you.

"I guess I am," you said, your voice barely audible. You shrugged and looked down at your holster, not wanting to admit to being such a crybaby. "I was saving it for this specific rest day to ... indulge myself with sweets.."

Captain Price's expression softened as he placed the glass of water down next to you. He sat down on the sofa next to you and put an arm around your shoulders.

"Listen, sergeant," he said in a comforting tone, "It's okay to be upset about something. Everyone has their own quirks and things that are important to them. And in our line of work, we need to be able to deal with any situation and not let little stuff like this get us down."

"Thanks, Cap'," you said, a hint of embarrassment in your voice. You smiled at him, grateful for the reassurance.

"Any time," He replied with a soft smile. He then stood up and left the room, returning a few minutes later with two fairly large cookies, handing it to you. "Here, this should cheer you up."

"No way," You were overjoyed, your face lighting up with a smile.

"Yes way," He replied, playfully eyeing the cookies then to you. "Have it, yeah?"

"Dad, oh my god," You squealed excitedly, taking a bite out of the cookie, savoring the taste of the sweetness and the tenderness. "This is so sweet of you. Thank you so much!"

Oh no. Dad? Did you just call your captain, 'dad'?

Avoiding the embarrassment of calling your captain 'dad' in a moment of vulnerability, you silently prayed that he hadn't heard it. This was going to be awkward, and the thought of having to explain yourself was making you cringe.

Just play it off...

Now as much as Price wants to give you the other cookie for you to eat, he retracted his hand away from your grabby hands, not letting you get one.

"Cap?" Your hands stay levitated, clearly ready to munch on the cookie on your Captain's grip.

Did he caught on?

"Hm?"

You had to think fast. Change the subject before things got too awkward!

"Are.. are you going to eat that?"

"Nope."

"Then why- actually no, just- isn't that for me?"

"Correct," He chuckles as he continued dangling the pastry infront of you.

Silence.

You stared at him incredulously, your hand visibly itching to just pounce on the cookie and munch on it.

What was your captain doing?

"See, the funny thing is, kid," He trailed off as he waves the cookie back and forth with his hand up in the air. He smirks when your eyes followed the cookie's movement. "I haven't thought much of being a father."

Shit. Play it off...

You hummed in confusion, tilting your head in curiosity.

Where was he going with this? And also, can he just give you the cookie? After all, he gave it to you, right?

Just give me the cookie, dammit.

"Let alone..." He paused and looked at you in the eyes. Shit. "Someone calling me one, aye?"

You feel like you could sink into the ground and vanish from existence. The embarrassment was too much to bear!

"...Who?"

Bye.

Captain Price chuckles at you, "Don't play dumb on me now, sergeant."

Your mind is racing, trying to think of something to say. You stuttered a reply, "I- Capta-"

But before you know it, he interrupts your thoughts with his sharp wit.

"Oh? It was 'Dad' a second ago, wasn't it?" He retorded with a proud smirk playing across his lips, looking at you with an air of amusement and teasing. He knows exactly what to say to get under your skin and he's not afraid to use it to his advantage.

It's clear that he wants an answer, but all you can do is sputter a few incoherent words before retreating back into your shell. You feel a mix of embarrassment and frustration, wishing you could come up with a clever come-back, but the only thing that's clear right now is that Price has you stumped.

"Sergeant?" He calls out to you teasingly, awaiting for your reply to his question.

"Mhm?" You can feel your ears slowly turning red as your Captain's teasing hits a nerve. You can't seem to quite meet his eyes, instead looking at the ground with an embarrassed blush. You fidget with the straps of your holster, unable to quite figure out how to respond.

"Wasn't it 'Dad' a second ago?" Captain Price repeated as he raised an eyebrow, looking at you with a mix of amusement and confusion.

You blush in embarrassment as you realize he wouldn't let you get off easily withyour slip-up. You look down at the ground.

"I'm sorry, sir," You quickly clear your throat, hoping to regain your composure. Still unable to break your gaze from the floor, you mutter, "It won't happen again."

Suddenly, the cookie appeared in your line of vision that was still situated at the ground. You heard your captain sigh and tutted, drawing your attention back to him.

The cookie! The cookie?

He held the cookie out to you, a small smile playing on his lips as he waited for you to accept it. You were initially taken aback, feeling a surge of warmth and gratitude toward your captain.

"Didn't ask for an apology, kid," He said with a playful frown, seemingly amused by the situation. He took your hand and placed the cookie on it, his gaze locking onto yours. "Was just surprised is all, hm?"

"Still," You cleared you throat as straightened your posture and looked up at him, albeit still feeling the sting of embarrassment. "It's my bad."

"Mhm," He hummed softly and raised his hand up to your head. He gently pats your head affectionately, yet his hand ruffled your hair, leaving it disheveled. "Whatever floats your boat, kid."

The soft pat on your head sends shivers down your spine, and you give him a grateful smile.

"Thanks, Cap', again." You beemed up with a smile, raising the cookie to his vision.

He gives a small nod before turning to leave, leaving you with a sense of warmth and contentment that stays with you long after he's gone. You watch as he offered a small wave goodbye and you respond the same, feeling a sense of gratitude for his kindnesses and understanding.

You were about to take a bite out of the delicious cookie he had given you. But just as you were about to revel in the sweet taste, you heard his voice once more calling out to you and startling you.

Turning around, you saw him standing there infront of the doorway, his eyes gleaming with mischief as he continued to speak.

"Though," he began, his voice low but full of laughter spilling through, "The cake's delicious, kid. Would have it again, 10 out of 10," he finished with a wink, and you couldn't help but gape at his leaving form.

What.

"Motherfuc-"

navi / masterlist

[pizzarink]

I DREW IT.

@dreamicloudz

[trash-kitty36]

Have a terrific drawing of Bwuebwerry sans. (Literal sarcasm)

[paleoleigh]

DAVID

[detectivejimmykudo]

HELP ASDEJEIEHWBQNIDKE

[incandescent-liveblogs]

Horrifying eldritch premises, murder, blood, apocalypses: a fun fictional time, no sweat

Whatever influencer monologue MAGP16 has got going on: barely listenable, a struggle to get through, way too well done to be comfortable

[finnslay]

Quotes in class today by my history teacher, who we will be calling Mr. Shaggy because he looks like Shaggy, while taking a quiz in class which had everyone cackling

*Repeatedly bounces chair, making a slamming noise* "Sorry, I just had to make sure my chair is chairing."

*Laughs at phone* "Sorry, my wife and I were talking about getting tickets for *☆☆☆* game and I asked if nosebleeds were okay and she asked 'Who's nose is bleeding' and then responded with 'wait lem...el... L-M-A-O... laughing... my... anus off.' ...she is one silly goose"

*Rambles for 5 minutes about his daughter trick-or-treating and eating her first lollipop and drooling everywhere*

"I was bob... from Bob's Burgers? You've never seen Bob's burger?!? It's freaking awesome, why haven't you watched it?"

"Some of you are smart cookies.." *insert student asking if he's being sarcastic* "No, most of you l are idiots, but some of you are smart cookies..."

"Yeah, she's hot... no, it's not creepy to ask, I'll so you a picture... she's thick."

"I don't wanna suffocate when.. we we get intimate"

"I'd never had sex. I was- I was a virgin and my wife got pregnant... so..."

"Oh, yeah, Tina's my homie" *starts shaking his hand and teaching kids how to do it*

*Responding to student asking to go to the bathroom* "Yeah, just make sure to wash your hands"

*Whistling for 2 minutes*

*making shapes with his tongue and explaining how to do it* "Yeah, I pulled that on my wife. I showed her that trick.... Get your mind out of the gutter! Gross!"

"Nope... no, not me.... I keep my nose nice and clean. I'm saving myself for Jesus."

*Teenage hair swoosh*

"He's from ohio... oHiYoh"

*Very vividly explaining where he lives while laying in his chair and having his feet on his desk*

"Is it the guy with the Jesus flag who rides around...? You know who I'm talking about?"

"Wow... it gets really quiet, so I look up, and these two were tonguing eachother cameras..."

"No, my wife doesn't have a dick. But she tells me to suck it when we fight and I'm like 'I will!' So... the two of us aren't personally into... transgender stuff."

*Showing students a tiktok he made with his wife*

[definitelynotnia]

24 hours into the freshers gc and the admin is a rightwinger pls let me out LET ME OUT

[truthdawn]

wanted to know if ultrakill was finished and this came up instead i 😭

[blankfreak-mainz]

The fandom is chokeholding me so hard I am making garbling hyper giggle choke noises all curled up on my chair like some kind of fkin deranged unhinged gremlim-

I- I AM LITERALLY GIGGLING TO MYSELF FOR THE PAST 30MINS I CANT-

I-I'm about to combust- my fellow fandom. 🤡 😭

[rubianarosevine]

HELP THE WAY EDRED SMUGS, I CANT-

[sobriquetisapun]

Britney Spears Baby Hit Me One More Time came on the radio at work just now and all I could see/hear was Sam motherficking Riegal singing a bad parody of it for an ad bit and I just... I had to keep a straight face the entire time and it was hard...

[mindyourownbiscuitss]

But Casey in that scene with Kidd 🥺

[smoothedsmoothie]

having some insane stomach cramps tonight

[starzure]

HELP WHAT

What if Jesus and Dostoevsky were something more than oomfs…