#gwynotes diary

[guwine]

082623

i think this might be one of the worst days of my life but every bad day feels like the worst day ever.

couldn't sleep last night, maybe cause it was so hot... got the starbucks pumpkin cold brew before going to work. i was so excited to drink it my hands were shaking when i opened the straw it's serious.

got pissed off at my friend/coworker, i'm sick of doing favors for people and have them disguise it as the other way around.

work was understaffed (as usual), took my friend's task and had to do extra closing work... so sick of fake concern or maybe i'm overthinking

when i left after doing overtime my whole body was shaking cause i was trying not to burst out in tears. also another nail broke, having two broken nails is genuinely crippling like??

was crying and nose started bleeding while i walked to my train. the breeze was a bit too strong, the streets a bit too crowded. i feel like i have co-dependence tendencies it's not good. i have the terrible urge to cut people i hold close to me off, part of me knows its cause i wonder if they will stay. started to hate my outlook on life when riding the train but realized it's how i've survived college years.

i want to be independent again!!! thank you mommy for making me a sandwich and snapping me out of it. today was not all bad. i know i will sleep deeply tonight and listening to julie work on her tumblr is nostalgic. reminds me of jpp mtl trip.

[guwine]

082523

writing as my friends (leo&julie) watch me. so embarrassing. almost woke up late to work but made it in time, not in time for starbucks however. the line was super long cause the new fall drinks just came out. went home mid-shift cause of cold sweats so i got to call my besties and watch jenna marbles' dog videos. hopefully i wake up earlier tomorrow!! please tomorrow's gwyn!! wake up!!!!!!!

[guwine]

083123

self care day yuuupppppp doing a face mask right now. it smells very herbally...i had a dream i had a girlfriend last night like i'm gay af no...

anyways today i was supposed to hangout with a friend but i flaked cause i wanted to stay home and read yotusba&! all day and trust me i did! i love that manga it's so cute and feel good. i'm not sure why but my mood isn't that good lately i hope i snap out of it soon or i might have to go to extreme measures....(buy myself a new iphone)

waiting for julie and laura to watch street woman fighter 2 but where are those mfers. please pray i sleep well tonight i have calc class and work tomorrow sob sob

[guwine]

082723

woke up from the best sleep ever but didn't have time to laze in bed because i had to get ready for brunch with mom and her elderly friends. slayed my eyeliner and i liked my outfit but caught my reflection in a window as the day passed and lowkey... i was giving pregnant woman in a long flowy dress.. idgaf!

we went to tommy café the food was alright. i love coffee, especially iced americanos. the two elderly women walked so slow but i think they are adorable so i tried to bear with it. my mom looked very pretty it made me worry about her health and the future. felt like i was forcing myself to be cheery the whole day but like they say it's 'fake it till you make it'!

was taking a dump in the public toilets when i suddenly got really depressed. can't stop having the feeling like i own none of my emotions. my happiness depends on outside factors, my anger too. for the longest time i felt like sadness was the only emotion i owned cause it felt like i was able to be sad from within and to a warped extent, that comforted me. but now i think i don't own that either. everything about life is so social and it scares me. even the fear i feel is created by something outside of myself... when i got an iced pumpkin spice chai latte from starbucks i instantly felt better, i'm a simple girl.

anyways i had sushi at night that my mom bought, she said we need to eat sashimi before the Japanese government poisons the whole goddamn ocean.

wrote my resignation and applied to 2 new jobs. i feel relieved but part of me is anxious.

goodnight, i can't wait to go shopping with my friend tomorrow!!

[guwine]

092923

i woke up late today so i missed by first class...i got to sit at starbucks and drink my gigantic pumpkin spice latte however so yay for me!!

after my last class of the day i got a haircut and for once i like how it turned out. i think a lot of people will dislike it but it's my style and my hair so i do not care about their opinions, die in hell!!!!! washing my hair feels so nice now because it's so short and it dries so fast. and i don't need my hair oils anymore cause all the deadends are cut off. two rocks one stone.

when i got home i had a family thing for mid-autumn festival. usually this is one of my favorite chinese holidays because of the food and the atmosphere it brings but this year, my grandparents are dragging down the whole family's mood. i could write an essay about how much i despise old people. i find that others have a lot to say about how i view old people/my grandparents when they themselves have never had to live with two people that don't even want to be alive. everybody is quick to call you unsympathetic but where's MY sympathy??

then later i went to my high school friend's house. it was nice meeting them but every time i see that group, it reminds me of how i felt in high school. i always get home sad. i can't help but feel like i've grown up badly, and i've drifted away from them. i wonder how i would have turned out if they stayed my primary friend group.

[guwine]

092623

hello it has been a while... now that i feel content it feels like i don't have much to write down. i've been feeling good because i stopped chasing male validation LOL

rip gojo my king.

[guwine]

091723

i have been forgetting to write my daily logs so sorry.

yesterday i went to a friend's kpop dance show and then we all went to the bar together that's the only reason why i forgot!!!!

today i went to two very fun and big supermarkets with my mom (i love going to supermarkets). i bought a bunch of snacks and makeup.

later my friends and i went to get shawarma. i gave my friend his birthday gift and he really liked it, i am so glad. i feel a lot of different emotions right now but i feel too tired to type them down. tomorrow i will do it.

[guwine]

091323

it was one of my very good friend's birthday today. we couldn't celebrate because he had school until 8pm.

i completed my last shift at my job today, i feel so bittersweet. also money is starting to stress me out a little bit, the fact that i will not be getting income is weighing on me...

i need to go to bed soon cause i have to go to class really early tomorrow but i can't wait to get a haircut!!!!!!

[guwine]

091223

went to class today hurray!!!!!! it was an 8am class too. it was soooo goddamn boring

after class i went to shop at uniqlo cause i need to use my employee discount while i still can. i also ate a delicious bagel and got an iced americano. after uniqlo, i went to buy a new sd card for my digitcal camera (which still doesn't work).

my friend came to see me so that we could eat lunch together and i had general tao chicken that was surprisingly good. he ate half of my food because he is greedy and glutinous.

went home at around 4pm to watch D.P. and take a quick little nap, now i am winding down. going to eat some midnight ham as one does before going to bed.

i have decided that i will be a masc lesbian for winter muaghahahaa.

[guwine]

091123

did nothing today! and i loved it. but i need to get back into the groove of university or else this is going to be bad....

[guwine]

091023

today was something my god... i had to wake up so early to go on a date with this lame ass guy, i don't even wanna go into details because i've said it so much but just trust me...he is lame!

after the date, if it can even be called a date, i went to meet up with two friends. we ate dumplings and walked around downtown. we went to some bookstores and to some jewelry stores, it was very nice. one of the friends (her name is oceane) was smoking cigs in front of me and i was tweaking lowkey. i think i'm going to start smoking cigs again because vaping makes me feel like there's a part of me that is still trying to please to the male gaze and i hate that so much. i don't want to worry about how a man thinks i smell! dpmo!

when i got home i called jppp but only leo was free to call. i bought a bunch of snacks (i genuinely have a chip addiciton) and watched moving while munching, it is literally my favorite activity.

some of my friends keep inviting me to go out to bars and clubs (the nightlife stuff) and i really don't want to go, i know it's not going to be good for my mental health but part of me feels like if i never put myself out there, i'm never going to meet new people. i also always say no to going out with them and sometimes i worry that i'll be so known as a homebody that nobody is going to invite me to shit no more! i always preach to put yourself first but i'm afraid of being way too comfortable in my bubble that it gradually turns against me...i'll think about it when the time comes.

[guwine]

090923

went to work and literally had the most boring day on earth like literally omg like work was so boring i was literally traveling up and down the store to find somebody to talk to omggg.

after work i went to karaoke with coworkers and i could not wait to get home!!!!! and so i did. 10pm sharp i was like, my bedtime y'all, ciao! i'm the worst party pooper on earth no? but idgaf because i will ALWAYS put myself first and if my mind is tired, trust i will walk my ass home and recuperate

oh forgot to mention i had a delicious sandwich for lunch and had mcdonalds (again) for diner.

now i am getting ready for bed i am abt to call my friend and she is going to rant to me about men YUUUUP goodnight!

[guwine]

090723

today is officially julie day, poor girl was stranded at the airport for hours.

i slept thru all 3 of my alarms today so i missed all my classes...how did i even do that . but it's okay i will not let that bring me down. missing a few classes isn't the end of the world i have the whole semester ahead of me!

ate pho with my dad today i love pho, and i cooked diner for the family. i made chicken adobo and some cauliflower it was pretty good. i love cooking which makes me think i won't ever do my nails again cause i want to be able to chop well and stuff.

going to watch 'moving' now, i hope it's good!! and then i'm going to go bed and i WILL get my starbucks tomorrow.

[guwine]

090623

missed my class today because i slept pass my alarm like how did i do that... i went to work after and i was so happy cause i got to see my friend that i haven't see ever since school started.

got off work and in the train i ran into my friend so we decided to get mcdonalds together and tell me why that fish burger is so fucking good like?

now i am facetiming my bestianas and we wished our dearest julie a happy early birthday. i couldn't get starbucks today so i will make SURE to get starbucks. i DONT PLAY ABOUT STARBUCKS!!!!!!!!

[guwine]

090523

if you know me you know i don't play about my peace. but now this bitch i used to know wants to come in my life and disturb my peace!!!!! i ran into her this morning in the train and we chatted (against my will) and tonight she texted me saying "lets go to school together every tuesday and thrusday". DON'T PLAY WITH ME OH MY DAYYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSS MY PEACE MAN MY PEACEEEEEE i want to listen to my music in the train and read my little books but now i have to entertain a rando!!!! anyways

it was so hot in montreal today like are we not supposed to be entering autumn season.... went to my 8am class but skipped my other one to go hangout with friend at his uni... we ate some affordable pizza and the pizza lady was so nice.

when i got home i was so sleepy and sweaty, ac is the best invention of mankind. i watched some baki, ate some cucumber chips, and took a quick nap.

if you know me you would also know i don't play about starbucks. so i am going to go to bed early today to be SURE i can get my starbucks tomorrow AND have time to walk to class. ciao!

[guwine]

090423

writing this super fast cause i have to sleep, got 8am class tmr fml so bad.

did literally nothing today and i loved it. watched baki all day and then did a little bit of homework. i ran a bath too so now i feel super chillaxed.

goodnight & sweet dreams