#guys at some point u gotta realize he is literally never at the crime scene doing the crime. come on

[ducktollers]

binging the 90s spiderman cartoon is a lil grating cuz every episode is like. the cops arrive at a crime scene and My god! spiderman is at the scene of the crime! why would spiderman be there! unless……..HE DID THE CRIME! put out an apb for the nefarious spiderman IMMEDIATELY! and then 10 minutes later theyre like Turns out……..spiderman is innocent! the wall crawler is a hero after all! and then the same thing happens in the next episode. like are u guys stupid u cant keep doing this. this show was really not meant to be binged

[aliasimagines]

It Was You All Along // Dave Lizewski

requested by a lovely anon 💕

Can u write dave x fem!reader where reader Always had a crush on him but he kinda ignored reader bc of Katie but then someone popular asks reader out and he gets jealous and y/n dresses up super hot and he realizes he fucked up

word count: 1809

a/n: i hope this is close enough! ❤️ (i couldn't think of a different title but this one reminds me of Agatha All Along xd)

"Hey, Dave! My folks are gone for the weekend and I thought we could have an X-men watch party. Wanna come?" 

"Sorry I can't, I'm hanging out with Katie." 

"Again?" you ask a bit louder than intended,causing a few people to look at you in the hallway. You continue with a lower voice "Aren't you like, tired of all the lying? Like, what if she finds out that you're not actually gay, hm? Cause you know she will, eventually." 

"Why do you care so much?!" Dave says, clearly frustrated. 

You raise an eyebrow. 

"Oh why would I? Maybe because we have been best friends since diapers, you stupid asshole!" you say not caring if some students hear you or not, anymore. "But you know what, you are right. I shouldn't care. Go play pretend with Katie but don't come to me, crying when you end up getting your heart broken." 

"Don't worry, I won't." he snaps back. And you turn around and leave but not before flipping him off. You felt the angry tears rolling down your cheeks as you zigzagged between the chattering teenagers. 

You couldn’t  believe how Dave could be so blind! He only had eyes for Miss Perfect. Whom by the way, is a real bitch and would go back to ignoring Dave or calling him a freak if it wasn’t for his little gay act. 

Somehow you made your way over to the restroom and locked yourself into one of the booths.

Dave couldn’t even see you as a potential “love-interest”. Eventhough you were the one who always were there for him, you were always there when he called, running to him like a lost puppy. And he couldn’t even care less. And you hate him for it. But you hate yourself more for still liking him. 

It’s not like you can do something about it, if you could, you would have. But that’s not how it works, so you are just crying your guts out on the toilet trying not to think about Dave.

In all honesty, you have no idea how you made it through the day. You almost cried during biology but you caught yourself after a few lonely tears. You could feel Dave’s gaze on you but there was no way you would look at him. As soon as the last bell rang you were out of school, hurring past Tod and Marty, not being in the mood for them either.

The next day wasn’t any different, you didn’t hang with Dave, Tod and Marty like you normally do. You didn’t sit with them at lunch, instead walked over to the only empty table you saw and placed your tray there. You mounched on your food, completely unaware of your surroundings until you hear the chair next to you being pulled out. You look up to see Matthew Greendale, resident hottie of the school sit next to you. 

"Hey, sorry, it's not a problem if I sit here, right?" he asks. You eyed him suspiciously. 

"No, it's fine." 

It's fine?! You mentally scold yourself. You never even spoke to this guy, outside of literature in first year. Why would he sit next to you? 

"I didn't want to sit with all the other "popular jocks" he answered you unspoken question while taking a bite of his canteen-hamburger. “They’re fun and everything but it’s nice to get away from them sometimes.”

You think of your friends who are sitting a few tables away and you can’t help but agree with Matthew.

“Yeah, I feel you.” you say without thinking.

“Hey..We used to sit next to each other in freshman year, didn’t we? It’s y/n ,right?” 

You nod with a smile, honestly being surprised that he remembers you.

“Yeah!”

“I haven’t really seen you around a lot. But when I do you are always hanging with those comic book nerds.”

“Hey! Comics are great.”

He puts his hands up in a defense.

“Oh no! I didn’t mean it as an insult. Some comics are good, my little brother made read one last month. It was actually great.”

“What comic was it?”

“Oh, uhm..It was about some kind of blind dude in a devil costume.”

“Daredevil?” you ask with a giggle.

“Yes, that one!” he laughs too.

The two of you continue talking until the end of lunch break. He is surprisingly fun to talk to and he even offers to walk you to your next class after lunch. You had such a good time you didn’t even think about Dave, heck, you didn’t even notice him literally glaring daggers into Matthew.

“What’s up with you, dude?” Tod asks snapping Dave out of it. 

“Yeah, Dave. What the shit is going on with you and Y/N?” Marty asks too.

Dave forrows is eyebrows. Yes, what the shit is going on with the two of you? Every since yesterday's 'fight' with you he can't stop thinking. About how he spends most, if not all of his time either with being Kick-Ass or, rather with Katie. It used to be different. He spent every second with you and he just threw you away so he could maybe get laid. And sure, Katie may be hot as fuck but she is.. Well, she is not you. 

"We had a fight, yesterday. I.. And she was right." he explains with a grimace. "But why the fuck is that Greendale asshole is with her?" 

"You jealous or something, dude?" 

"Wha- Of course I am not jealous! Why would I be? You guys are nuts." 

Jealous… The word rolled around in his mouth like a new flavored milkshake he never tasted before. 

Could he be… Jealous? He never thought of you that way, you were always his best friend. Just that. But.. The more he thinks about it the more he can't stop that twist like feeling in his stomach. 

That night he can't focus on crime fighting. All his thoughts are tied to you. Whether he likes it or not, memories of you keep popping up in his mind. How didn't he notice your beautiful smile before? And your laugh? It's like a beautiful melody. And… Gosh! When did he become such a sappy teenager? Oh and another thing.. He kept trying to think of something else, anything else like Katie for example but he doesn't care anymore! 

Dave goes home early with a frustrated growl. The remaining hours of the night he spends with tossing and turning and daydreaming instead of sleeping. 

(the next afternoon, Atomic Comics) 

Dave bangs his head against the wood table once again. A tired groan leaves his lips when he hears Tod almost choking on his iced coffee. 

"What the tunk, Tod?" Marty and Dave ask almost at the same time. The dirty blonde haired boy keeps pointing outside the huge window that they are sitting next to at Atomic Comics. 

"Is that fucking y/n?!" 

Now all three of them look outside the shop and see you, all dressed up nad seemingly waiting for someone. 

"Holy fuck!" Dave whispers. He stares at you, with his mouth a gap before jumping up from the booth they were sitting at and rushing outside the store. 

"Y/n! Y/-" he yells almost tripping on thin air. 

"Dave?" you question, quickly turning towards him. Damn, you missed him. No! Yeah, you did… "What do you want?" 

"What do I- What, can't I talk to you?" 

"If you wanted to talk you would have in these past days!" you say. Yes, you might have missed him, but it's not like you're gonna show it. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I am waiting for my date to show up." 

"Your.. Your what, now?!" 

"My date" 

"You can't go on a date!" 

"And why is that, Lizewski?" 

"Lizewski? Really, you're calling me by my surname? Are we in such a bad place right now?" 

"I don't know, you tell me. Are you going to tell me what i can and can't do, hm?" 

"I didn't mean it like that. I just…" 

"What, it's fine when you say it but when I do it with you about Katie I'm the bad friend?" 

"No,it's just-" 

"Sorry. Matt's here." you point to the street across the road where you saw the boy walk towards you. "I gotta go." 

You start walking away but Dave grabs your wrist. 

"Please, don't." he mumbles. 

"Why not?" you snap at him but your expressions soften upon your eyes land on his saddened face. 

"I- because I don't want you with him. O-or anyone." 

You raise an eyebrow. 

"What?" 

He took a deep breath before looking around. Matt was waiting patiently by the traffic light so he could cross the road. Dave quickly began explaining. 

"You were right. About Katie. I was such a dickhead, I am so sorry, y/n. I am sorry for ignoring you over her and and.." from the corner of his eye he sees the traffic light turn green. "Shit! I don't want you to go out with Greendale cause I.. Because I like you. Like really fucking like you. And oh my god you look so fucking hot in this outfit, not that you're not always hot but holy shit. I know we are just friends and you don't think of me that way but I ju-"

"Oh my god! Do you ever shut up?" you yell before pressing your lips to his. Dave stumbled back a little, but quickly recovered and kissed back. Your hands cupped his face and his hands grabbed your waist in response. You both tilled your heads, deepening the kiss earning loud knocking from Marty and Tod as they watched the whole scene through the window. Not that you noticed any of it. You didn't hear the passing by car honk at you nor the yells or whistles. You also did not notice Matthew walking away with a sad smile after seeing the two of you. Your touches intertwine and you're pretty sure you heard Dave moan slightly which causes you to giggle into the kiss. You both pull away gasping for air. You look down at your shoes, hoping to hide your flushed cheeks. Dave scratches his back and looks around nervously only to see his two idiotic friends making kissy faces. He lifts his middle finger for them before clearing his throat. 

"So.. Khm.. I guess you like me too?" 

You let out a soft chuckle.

"Yeah, I do." you say looking at him with a smile.

"That's.. Fuck. That's great." he replied genuinely happy. "Wanna get out of here?" 

You nod and you take off. You take Dave's hand and he intertwines your fingers with a smile. Maybe he is truly a superhero. He helps people and he gets the girl of his dreams. The happy ending. 

Dave Lizewski taglist : @sethcohenluvr @your-hispanichufflepuff

[spiralesbian]

ALRIGHT

here’s my full Stranger Avatar Sasha Archivist timeline:

(also, thanks to @artbyblastweave for being so interested in my lil au!)

SEASON ONE

sasha james is hired as the head archivist of the magnus institute!

her assistants are jon, tim, and martin

tim takes the thematic role of martin (aka getting tormented by my worm wife jane, and stays in the archives)

sasha reads thru statements and is a skeptic! she really does not believe it’s real until jane comes along.

“tim……………………..did you die here?”

“no, but every time i come to work i die a little more inside.”

cute timsha moment in the supply closet tho.

until martin kool-aid-mans through the door and gets them out of there

jon used to work in artefact storage so he hides in there. he’ll be fine

i actually can’t remember how they all get out but they do it KKJSDGFJHD

sasha takes everyone’s statements. tim is fucked up, martin is also fucked up, jon is actually fine though he seems pretty normal about this whole situation most definitely.

sasha realizes this is a bit more than a regular archivist job.

SEASON TWO

sasha gets paranoid of course. she learns more about gertrude because she never got the chance to meet her

she takes a statement from a guy named michael shelley. weird dude. then helen shows up :)

jon is most definitely himself he is just a normal regular grumpy jon i swear :)

sasha starts to manifest her powers a little bit. she doesn’t know it, but she is an avatar of the stranger, and a prisoner of the eye.

she starts to notice more things about jon? similar to this comic but with jon

eventually she + tim + martin help get jon out of the grip of the NotJon. this is my au and i get to choose who dies (it’s no one because i miss the s1 archival assistants too much).

jon is pretty fucked up from this though and at like a season-3-tim mindset already.

fucking goddamn leitner avatar of the fucking whore shows up to trap the NotJon in one of his shitty fucking novels. fuck this guy tho

he’s like Sasha We Must Talk and shes like okay but stay 8 ft away from me at all times you bitch

she leaves the room for 10 minutes and pipe murder occurs. good riddance

wait are the cops in the season i genuinely can’t remember. if they are, their roles don’t change very much. melanie and sasha feud, battle of the bi queens

SEASON THREE:

uh oh! girlie’s be framed for murder! she crashes at her ex gf georgie’s flat. also the admiral is there don’t think i would EVER cut him out of this story

(also jon is georgie’s ex too because i think that would be fun JDHBFHS)

sasha learns abt an upcoming web ritual (mirroring the unknowing), all that shit. gets kidnapped a ton of times, as usual.

helen is like “i am going to kill you because i hate gertrude <3 i was that dumb bitch’s assistant for too long” but michael busts out of the door like Hi Guys and traps her in the hallway.

sasha also gives her statement about a leitner she found as a child that marked her. its a stranger book and we learn her edgy orphan origin story how her parents were both murked by the stranger. fucked up if true!

back at the archives jon is like so fucking tired of this shit honestly and now martin is also pretty paranoid. also jm romance subplot is still very present!

tim is just trying to protect sasha at all times and he’s pissed she keeps leaving the country and getting fucking kidnapped

(remember when jon persuades the traffic cop?) sasha starts to fill her archivist role in a different way. she can shapeshift into the subject of a statement and uses her affiliation with the eye to coerce statements or info out of people. (example: if she needed a live statement from the guy in #90 Body Builder, she could temporarily make herself look like jared hopworth to the guy and ask “what happened to me?” or “what did i do?” and the guy would be like well he built some fucken bodies i guess let me tell you all about it) while reading the statements in america that refuel her, she fully shapeshifts into the statement giver while reading out loud.

once again i truly can’t remember daisy + basira’s roles until the end of the season. also melanie get shot by the ghost at some point

anyways sasha gets kidnapped by trevor and julia and they gerry lays out all the shit for her and she’s like ah! i’m fucked

tim offhand mentions the web ritual to martin and he loses his shit cause he’s marked by the web blah blah this isn’t a web!martin thing i swear i just need someone to fill tim’s role in the ritual and a lonely ritual would be fucking boring as hell as we learned from ass man peter lukas. i hate that man

so they make the plan to stop the web ritual (which is fucking hard when the offense knows your every move) so sasha, basira, daisy, jon, and martin go.

tim stays back at the institute to burn shit and distract elias. elias does some fucked up shit as usual and it makes me sad

the ritual starts! they have a plan to blow it up and run but like. u know how it goes

instead of the unknowing-stranger-dream-sequence, we get everyone kinda mixed up in a huge spider’s web on the big stage and its still quite confusing because this ritual not only manipulates the prey, but also the prey’s perceived reality. the web is also in current control of the buried coffin cause they think that shit is kinda fun. they yeet daisy into it.

hard to describe what happens, but basira keeps her cool, jon is a bit lost in his own mind, sasha tries to use her powers to escape but fails. she manages to get through to martin through the strings and mounds of spiders and she tosses him the detonator.

[squishing spider noises]

SEASON FOUR:

martin doesn't die, i told you i can't kill the og archival assistants! he does lose most of one leg though, he took the blunt of the explosion.

sasha in da hospital in da coma. tim is mad he can’t wake her up and then my man ollie says “ur fucked up mate” and she wakes up

(and because coma jon has such wild hair controversy, i’m establishing that her head was shaved when she was in the coma. it grows back thru s4. it she keeps one side shaved cause she’s cool)

meanwhile tim is recruited by that dumbass man you know who i don’t even wanna say his stupid fucking name

sasha gets daisy out of the buried. they become avatar pals!

(there is the biggest blank in my memory where all of season four should be. at this point i should just relisten to the entire fucking show but i would literally just forget it all again)

melanie says hm. fuck this! and blinds herself. she goes to live with georgie (and that’s the moment jon and sasha realize they are both georgie’s exes FHFHDJD)

tim continues to fight the lonely pull. he thinks that since p*ter l*kas is tied to the institute, he can blind himself out cause melanie was successful. he is wrong. he is also interrupted by elias midway, and only blinds one eye, and loses most of his sight in the other. elias’s hold on him is weak, but this just drives him way farther into the lonely.

gotta be honest i remember the end of season four but like i couldn’t visualize what was happening at the end so i like don’t understand what happened JGDKFJGD but sasha intervenes (???) and peter yeets tim into the lonely (???) and sasha jumps in (??????) after him. elias is just there i guess?

instead of “look at me martin,” sasha finds tim and at this point her form is warped and hard to recognize because of stranger powers, and tim is almost 100% blind, so she says “don’t look at me, see me. see me tim, it’s me.” and finally creates a clear image of herself. “it’s...it’s you. you’re my sasha.”

they break free and go to scotland i guess KHSDDKDSF

idk what happens with jon and martin im losing continuity at this point. fuck it, they smooch <3

“ah these are the statements.”

“yes. basira said last week she’d send some up as soon as the archives weren’t a crime scene. and she wasn’t sure which ones you’ve read already, so she, she just said she’d send a bunch.”

“.........Hello Sasha.”

(alternate ending: personally i think sasha would read through each statement before speaking them aloud cause that’s what i would fucking do, so she would get this statement and be like “lmao tim come look at this elias trying to prank me dumb bitch think i’ll start the apocalypse for him. fucking little puny bitch boy. anyways what do you want for dinner?”)

SEASON FIVE:

“just. listen.”

“...i’m dead. and you have been chosen to be my replacement as head archivist. hopefully, this means you, jon, but if someone else is hearing this, and elias has made a different choice for some reason, then these words are still very much intended for you.”

sasha in full stranger avatar mode and is like 8ft tall and her faces shift a lot as they go through the realms. except the stranger is the second to last one (the panopticon is last obviously).

helen and michael actually talk shit out in the spiral hallway and now they are mlm wlw solidarity and both like tim and sasha are such bi and trans icons <3 this is so fun don’t you love the fearpocalypse <3

oh daisy n basira trapped in the hunt, and jon and martin are trapped in the stranger. wtgfs + the admiral are like in space or some shit idk but they are ok :)

not much to report other than she is my monster wife <3

i really don’t have many theories to how everything in s5 is gonna pan out, and i would like to closely mirror the actual show, so maybe as we get closer to the end i’ll build more on to this! thanks a lot for all the notes on my first sarchivist post!! also if u wanna make art this specific au DEF tag me in it i’d love to see!!

[lucarioisinthevoid]

Twitch Streamer AU???

(I planned on pushing out a FEW AU asks, but then realized I don’t even have so many. There’s going to be a FNAC event, but that will be an event, not a specific AU ask, so- I guess this is it! Very cursed AU, thank you very much Anon Small warning for mentions of blood, I think? Nothing too bad.)

Streamers, youtubers, content creators. Some people are all of these, some people are none, and some are just one- because each of them needed a very different talent. Those who could do seemingly everything were few and far between- And they ruled the entertainment scene! Thankfully though, the main three as most called them, were also always out for new content to watch. Thus they boosted those that they saw potential in. With some taking the boost and then going off to do their own thing- And some becoming good friends. It always started with a letter. Mike had the habit to do things on stream, as long as no personal details were not visible on them. He used a false email which he regularly changed, and he generally kept himself as safe as possible. Opening emails on stream could be rather fun, even if it was a risk. Sometimes it encouraged people to send bad things- So to prevent the worst, nothing would be downloaded and all emails containing images would be put into the spam bin. Better safe than sorry, the internet was full of terrible people. This day so far had been successful. And by successful it meant that Mike was SCREAMING. “I HATE SUPER MEAT BOY. I WILL COMMIT VIOLENCE AGAINST MEAT IN A MINUTE. I HAVE A BIG F-CKING STEAK IN THE KITCHEN, AND I WILL THROW IT AGAINST THE F_CKING WALL. I WILL GET A HAMMER.” The chat was going wild, cheering. The chat’s phrase of today was “tender Mikey” and it didn’t help at all. “I DID. NOT. HIT THAT! I DID NOT!” A donation popped up, with a robotic voice. ‘Oh hai Mark!’ “NOT FUNNY! NOT F-CKING FUNNY. I’M SUFFERING HERE AND ALL OF YOU SUPPORT IT. YOU’RE ALL F-CKING MONSTERS HERE, I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT. AND I’M NOT F-CKING TENDERIZING THE MEAT WHEN I SLAP IT AROUND, I’LL RIP IT INTO PIECES AND CONSUME IT RAW!” Standing up, he genuinely went to get it- And fifteen minute later he had slightly calmed down, his hands and room slightly bloody. The chat was still celebrating and donating- another thing that never failed to make Mike BEG them to stop and use the money for something GOOD and SENSIBLE, LIKE THEM-FUCKING-SELF- but he had gotten out most of the energy. “Alright. Alright everyone. ENOUGH. I gotta stop you HERE. It’s email time.”   A celebratory jingle played, as Mike booted up the website, opening the inbox. Memes, storytime, I’m-not-fucking-reading-that-and-you-know-it, and- One of the emails caught his- and the chat’s- attention, however. Sender: Fazbear Entertainment Topic: Challenge Needless to say- once again the chat was out of control and this time there was NOTHING Mike could do to stop them. After opening the email, Mike slowly took a deep breath and looked into the camera, between concerned and honored- But that wouldn’t be enough to rip him from his carefully maintained persona. So he audible scoffed- albeit him being unable to hide an excited grin. “Alright bitches and bastards in the audience- we’re firing SuperMeatBoy up again. You won’t be catching ME losing to a pink son of a bitch anytime soon!” After the letter- provided it was accepted and responded to, the production happened. The deal was that a teaser was dropped on the big channel- The entire video itself was put on the smaller one, attracting the viewers over and hopefully make them more likely to want to see the other works the creator had put out. It was a win-win overall, the big channel being able to vary their content, testing the water for new things- and the smaller channel getting a boost and a lot of tips from very experienced creators. Henry and Dave were very generous people. Jeremy was sitting there, taking deep breaths, trying to stay calm. So far, everyone seemed to be rather kind, even if Jeremy was basically a complete nobody. Hell, he never wanted to be anybody. He just wanted to stream himself baking, for those who never had someone baking with them. Because baking could feel stressful, especially when you were missing ingredients or- many reasons, actually. Not only baking, but cooking too- Sometimes playing games on request, but not much in terms of requests ever came in. And now he was here in an actual studio, soon to be seen by an insane amount of people. A cooking competition. Sounded silly- you couldn’t really FIGHT in something like that… But… Henry and Dave had promised it would be fun. And they were nice. With and without the cameras rolling. Speaking off- There they were, approaching, their assistant coming along. He wore a weird phone-head, to ensure his privacy. Or something. It was kinda weird, but he had just accepted the answer he got. “Why, there you are, Jeremy! Would you like to see the equipment we have prepared?” Henry warmly asked, reaching down with his hand to help his guest stand up. “We have gotten a few extra things, just in case.” As they entered the studio, Jeremy’s invisible eyes went WIDE. “Woah- that looks really nice! I love it here! This is high quality stuff-!” “Fantastic!” Pleased Henry opened his arms in his typical theatrical manner- Before being abruptly interrupted by Dave jumping in, halfway over Henry’s shoulder. “ARE YA READY TO GO!? CAMERAS ARE READY!” “Ah- I- I guess- but-“ “YOU HEARD HIM, BOYS! GET IT ROLLIN’!” “W-wait, I don’t even have-“ “Everyone! Welcome to NOTHIN’ AT ALL!” Henry swiftly fitted in, continuing on with the intro. “Todays challenger is the man, the legend, the baker and occasional chef- Jeremy from Baking With Jeremy!” “Wait, what- that’s seriously your channel name, pal?” A bit offended Jeremy looked into the eyes of the people behind the camera. “U-uh- you guys here- I mean- he has literally called his channel Henry Miller! I- uhm- I-“ Snickering Henry put a hand on his guest’s shoulder. “You are very right about that. Say, are you nervous about losing?” “… n-no. I mean- maybe a little. This place here is big and very professional and I’m not used to many people looking at me…” Taking a deep breath, he gave off a nervous smile for the audience. “… yet, I know- it’s a good thing! And as long as everyone has fun, everything will work out!” “Awwwww, look at him!” Dave said, pleased. “You’re so right! We’ll be havin’ fun!” “But also, I will win.” Henry pointed out. “That is when I have the most fun.” Slightly playful Jeremy smiled. “K-keep that attitude, that will make it even easier to blindside you!” Simon whistled, clearly bemused as he held the camera in place- And Henry smirked. “Sure. Anyhow, the stakes are-“ “Steaks? We’re makin’ steaks? I thought we planned on-“ “Dave. I swear to god.” Henry looked at him from the side, before shaking his head. “What is on the line is easy to see- we have roughly an hour to cook the best meal. If Jeremy wins, we will donate 5000 to a charity of his choice!” “And if the young pal loses, he’ll be joinin’ our channel!” Dave chirped. This was news to the brown-haired boy. “W-wait, we never agreed to that-“ “GET TO YOUR STATIONS!” Someone in the back announced. “WHO’S TODAYS FAVORITE?” Simon checked the stream. “The chat says Jeremy is a clear winner. Nobody trusts Henry to keep his two braincells together for long enough to not forget the salt or something.” “Excuse?!” Not only Henry was APPALLED by the chat, Dave joined right in. “Ya guys have NO taste. I’ll be clearly winnin’… but hey, maybe ya peeps don’t know that I plan to cheat!” Surprised Jerry looked over to Dave’s cooking station. “How… how can you cheat at cooking-“ Before he could finish his sentence, he shrieked as Dave pulled out a flamethrower. “HELL YEAH BABY, I AIN’T WAITING 30 MINUTES FOR SOMETHING TO COOK IN THE OVEN, I’LL BE DONE IN FIFTEEN MINUTES MAX!” “W-WAIT THAT DOESN’T SEEM SAVE-“ Henry just raised his hands, cheerful. “Ready… set…” The Phone Guy made eye- well, rotary- contact with Jeremy, slightly raising a fire extinguisher that was by his side. … alright, it seemed the people here were well-prepared for this scenario. So instead he focused on the ingredients in front of him. Almost manic, Henry’s voice rang. “GO!” And… … that was it! Some joined, with amazing results- Mike rubbed his face. “Who thought that was a great idea. I fucking hate this.” Dave next to him on the couch just grinned. “It’s amazin’ what these websites all offer to sell. You won’t be BELIEVIN’ what’s in this box!” “I’M NOT OPENING IT.” “YOU WILL. OTHERWISE IT’LL HUNT YOUR DREAMS. I’LL PUT THIS BOX NEXT TO YOUR BED. YOUR TOILET. ONTO YOUR DINNER TABLE. INTO THE FRIDGE. I’LL ORDER MORE OF THESE BOXES.” “Jesus CHRIST, calm DOWN-“ “I WILL FIGHT YA TO THE DEATH OLD PAL-“ - and some people just went back to the usual pattern, with the occasional raid from Fazbear Entertainment. They asked first, of course. Each of them fulfilled their own niche, each of them had caught Henry’s and Dave’s attention in one way or another. Henry and Dave however- Well, Dave was the varied creator. Henry liked his niche. He played horror, investigated ARGs, read stories about real and fictional crimes against humanity. The world was a terrible place, wasn’t it? Yet he reveled in it. Aside from that he showed extra effects, he built machines and thought everyone one or another thing about creating special effects at home. From dry ice to genuinely ridiculous chain-reactions, Henry showed them it all. Blood too, multiple forms of it, depending on how and where it would be used. Sometimes breaking it off with more light-hearted one-off games and listening to what his community wanted to see… but the most comfortable he was with horror and analysis. He was a youtuber, a streamer, a content creator… … and one thing more. It wasn’t easy to find the code. But his intended audience were a very small amount of people. A small number of strangers. There was no way to know if anyone ever made it to more than one show, but Henry did not care. It wasn’t for them that he did this. Him and William moved down, down below the set, into the lowest regions of the house. The workshop. Nobody really question why you added what to your home if you were a creative person. Even less so if you were a famous, eccentric creator. Yes, the free reign was what he REALLY loved about his job. Maybe he should build his studio somewhere else- But like this it was so much more thrilling! Wordlessly both of them put on their suits. It would hide their identity perfectly- especially the animal heads that contorted their voices a bit. Enough. Today’s participant wore a mask too- another phone head, differently made, different style, but to hide their identity too. However, the voice was in no way muffled. Panicked the person dragged on the chains keeping them attached to the chair. “H-HELLO!? HELLO!? S-SOMEONE- IS SOMEONE HERE!?” A noisy one! Delightful! Both Fredbear and Springbonnie stepped out of the shadows, one form each side. While Springbonnie put his hands gently on the shoulders of the whimpering person, Fredbear stepped in front of the camera, bowing. “Ladies and gentlemen-“ The low voice sounded more like the one of an animal than from a person. Yet it was smooth and comforting. “- I welcome you to yet another installment of our show. I am Fredbear, and over there is my wonderful assistant, Springbonnie. Today we have brought a simple stranger, a nobody who might not even be missed. Thusly I encourage you to truly be creative with your ideas. And while your votes roll in, maybe I point out that next time we will have another little game-show, with quite the effects. We might even get a real bull! You will not want to miss it.” The board above the camera blinked up, as a bitter fight of votes started, everyone wanting to see something else. Three tiers to vote on! Foreplay (light injuries), main course (heavy injury leading to death) and of course what to do with the body. Below it was a little measure for “face reveal”. Some of their viewers really enjoyed seeing the expressions during and after. It came with a risk to Fredbear and Springbonnie, as the victim being recognizable meant their general area of activity was more obvious- thus it was incredibly expensive. They knew there was every now and again law enforcement mixed up between the genuine watchers. It was thrilling too- Yet Fredbear wanted to keep this game alive as long as he could. Thus it was important to hide what they could. Fredbear was a creator first and foremost, an entertainer second- And there was nothing that attracted an HONEST, an UNRESTRAINED, a PURE audience quite like violence. Once blood spilled, humans degraded and it was wonderful. Behind him, the victim began rattling even more erratic. “WHAT- WHAT IS THIS?! LET ME OUT- PLEASE- LET ME OUT- PLEASE- I- DIDN’T DO ANYTHING-“ Burying his hands into the shoulders of Springbonnie downright cackled, enjoying the mania that always accumulated in these situation. “Be still, new friend! The audience HATES too much whining, y’know? And at least you could die with your tongue still intact, wouldn’t that be nicer than having to swallow the thing? Once it almost killed someone, boy, that sure was a bother!” His voice was changed to a cartoonish, upbeat pitch- “While the votes come in, how about we quiz today’s friend… maybe if you are smart enough, they will want you to live! It happened before… o n c e.” Fredbear took out a long scalpel, the face a morbid grimace. “Surprise us!”

[fan-tasticfour]

Did I hear a request for literally all of Uendo Toneido’s in-game dialogue? Cuz now you’re getting it.

( Dedicated to @alexandritethegreat who commented in tags on another post: “#i admire the op because i'd just list like all of their lines”. )

( ...Also under a Read More because this post is MASSIVE. )

[ FINDING TAIFU ]

U - Sh-Shisho's dead...? No... D-Do you think... HE did it?

P - Oh, no! I-If he did... then wh-what do we do?!

K - Hey, pull yourself together!

K - Don't worry. I have an idea...

[ INTRODUCTION ]

U – I am the rakugo storyteller Uendo Toneido. Even if my performance isn’t worth watching, I will certainly watch my words. I wouldn’t want to say anything thoughtless and get arrested.

P – After all, that’d be…a “raku-no-no”! Hee hee!

U – Thank you everybody! Good night!

U – [ fucking UP AND LEAVES ]

[ RETURNS TO THE WITNESS STAND ]

P – Oh, my, my!

U – Are you a fan of mine, miss? Would you like my autograph? One moment… [ signs the thing and throws it at her face. Athena is not a happy lawyer. ] No need to stand on ceremony! My fan deserves a fan, after all.

P – A “fan” for a “fan”! Nice one! Hee hee! Oh, why if it isn’t Simon! How are you on this fine day, sir?

U – Quite a dilly of a pickle we’ve found ourselves in, wouldn’t you say?

P – Never performed in a place like this, y’know. I got butterflies here, can’t you see? Hee hee!

U – Ah, I suppose you’re right. In that “case”…

P – I was promoted to “futatsume” yesterday, and received the stage name of “Uendo”. The show was our way of celebrating my new name and “middle rank” standing! Hee!

K – And then THAT happened… Haah… I never dreamed something like that’d happen, not in a million years. And just as I got my chance to start repaying my debt to Shisho, too…

U – Yeah… Plus, I’m worried about Geiru… The way she clung to Shisho… Poor thing. I told her to keep a stiff upper lip… Stiff like rigor mortis…

K – Keep telling those lame jokes, and Shisho’ll come scold you from the grave!

U – I wouldn’t mind getting yelled at, you know, if it meant seeing him again.

[ WITNESS TESTIMONY #1 ]

U – I noticed Shisho’s dying message right away. 

U – The stiff cards were right next to the stiff, you see.

P – Hey now, enough with the silly puns already! Hee hee!

U – Anyway, I got the meaning right away. I knew it must’ve been talking about Bucky!

K – That was the master’s final message, left as he was drowning in soba brother. It’s so like Shisho not to write Bucky’s name outright. “Plain and simple” wasn’t his style.

[ COMMENTARY ]

U – It’s obvious. All you have to do is look at the crime scene. He was found with his face shoved in a bowl.

K – It’s only natural to assume he was drowned in the broth for the noodles!

P – My, my! It’s so like a chef to kill someone this way, wouldn’t you say? And with the karuta message he left behind, it’s clear Bucky Whet did it!

K – Bucky used soba for the deed, all to get back the soba shop deed.

[ CROSS-EXAMINATION ]

[ Statement #1 ]

U – Well, it was a coded message right there next to the body. I’m sure anybody would’ve thought that they were there to name his killer. I love murder mysteries, and often watch them on TV.

U – I saw a similar scene during a murder mystery marathon last Tuesday. That’s what made me think, “This must be a dying message!”

[ Statement #2 ]

U – As I said, the stiff cards were right there next to the stiff, so they were hard to miss.

U – The message just caught my eye, because the stiff cards were right there next to the stiff.

U – Stiff cards…next to the stiff…

U – *sigh*…

[ Statement #3 ]

P – But look at all these wonderful people in the audience! It’s only natural for an entertainer to want to have some fun! Hee hee! I guess we can let a few jokes slide, right?

P – Right, right! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! Well done, Your Honor! Guess you can’t judge a judge by his cover!

P – Much obliged! Hee hee!

[ Statement #4 ]

U – There’s only one “Whet Noodle” around here, and you’ve seen that giant “4″ on his back. It’s the only interpretation that makes sense!

P – Wh-What is it?!

K – [ smoking after Athena suggesting there was another whet noodle ]

[ Statement #5 ]

U – I know Shisho. He would never let someone get the last word on him, even in death. With his face in the soba broth, and his consciousness fading away… …he left a message that pointed toward Bucky as he left this world. It’s the only way it could’ve happened!

K – Look, a dying message is something you leave as you’re dying, right? I saw a scene like that in a detective show.

U – But talking is my livelihood, you know. I talk all the time. This and that, truths and untruths… I can’t stop myself from talking!

[ Statement #6 ]

U – Even in the throes of death, it was in Shisho’s nature to throw in a twist somehow. Truly the consummate entertainer till the very end, don’t you think?

P – If I ever bite the big one like that… …I wanna leave a message just as good as Shisho’s! Hee hee!

[ OBJECTION! ]

U –  [sips tea nervously. spits it out when Athena points out lack of broth in Taifu’s lungs ]

P – M-Me?!

P – Well, those cards are from Shisho’s special “Soba Scenes of Tokyo Past” set. Each card is related in some way to soba.

P – Well, uh, there was soba broth spilled all over them…

K – No. There’s no one named “Owen” in the Toneido family, or our circle of friends.

U – Go ahead, ask anybody you’d like!

U – Are you accusing me of rearranging the cards?

K – ME, who came to testify out of the goodness of my heart?!

U – *sip* *sip*

P – Eep! M-Mr. Prosecutor! What’s a guy supposed to do at a time like this?

U – Oh, I see. So that’s what they’re after, is it? In that case… Your Honor, I’ve decided not to say another word.

U – That’s right. I’m not going to fall for it.

U – E-Even so, I have the right to refuse to answer.

U – [ silent tea sipping ]

K – Are you saying I should quit?! Because I’m not afraid to speak my mind, I’ll have you know.

P – Oh, no! Never mind what I just said! It IS scary to talk! It’s absolutely terrifying!

K – But, no! As a rakugo artist, I must talk! If I don’t, how can I ever show my face on stage again?! Your Honor, I’m ready to testify!

[ WITNESS TESTIMONY #2 ]

K – After my performance, I went to visit Shisho.

P – I called him from outside the room… but he didn’t reply.

U – When I entered the dressing room, I saw Shisho slumped over the table, motionless!

[ COMMENTARY ]

K – Of course there aren’t any. Because I’m not trying to hide anything.

K – It’s fine by me! I have nothing to hide. Bring it on!

[ MOOD MATRIX #1.1 ]

K – After my performance, I went to visit Shisho.

P – I called to him from outside the room…

P – …but he didn’t reply.

U – When I entered the dressing room, I saw Shisho slumped over the table, motionless!

[ OBJECTION! ]

U – “Some thin stranger with cheesy toe skin,” you say?

U – I don’t know. Maybe it’s me who’s got some cheese in my ears…

[ 80% of his cushion pile is gone. Athena questions if he willed the floor to open from underneath and swallow them. (Personally, I say yes.) ]

U – So what was this unexpected thing you noticed?

[ Cushion overload!! They had to take some away from him again. ]

U – I-Is it, though?

[ Zoned Out ]

U – Yeah, you got me! I’m a total space case! Ha ha ha!

K – Well, get your head out of the clouds and go do some work for a change!

P – Don’t worry, honey! I found a wallet the other day. We have plenty of money to live on now!

[ Entertainer’s Guts ]

P – Sadly, I busted a gut laughing at Shisho’s bits last week.

U – Now I’m practically gutless… Does my tale of woe pluck at your gutstrings?

A – Don’t you mean heartstrings?

U – Sorry, I was just trying to match…

P – …the level of nonsense coming out of your mouth, lady! Hee hee!

K – If you don’t like it, just say so! Go on, spill your guts!

[ ALREADY DEAD ]

P – Wh-Whaaat?! What kind of a thing is that to say?! You’ve got it all wrong…! O-Oh, right! I just remembered something! I thought Shisho was just sleeping when I first saw him! Hee hee!

U – Well, he had his head and arms up on the table, as if he were taking a nap.

P – Oh, and one other thing! There was that note, too!

P – Yes! That’s the note I saw! After reading that, who wouldn’t think Shisho was napping?!

K – That’s right. I saw this note, so that’s why I thought Shisho was asleep.

P – I want to change my testimony to include that statement!

[ MOOD MATRIX #1.2 ]

K – After my performance, I went to visit Shisho.

P – I called to him from outside the room…

P – …but he didn’t reply.

U? – When I opened the door, I thought he was sleeping.

K? – But something seemed off, so I rushed over to him.

U? – I was shocked to find him dead! I couldn’t believe my eyes!

[ The ‘?’ are my personal speculation because it’s the only part of the testimony where the speaker is unclear. ]

[ OBJECTION! ]

P – “Funny”, you say?! I guess an entertainer of my caliber can make people laugh, even with my emotions!

P – What Hmm… Let’s see… Oh, yeah! Now I remember! As I was going in, I whacked my little piggy on something. I was annoyed at my own clumsiness! Hee hee!

P – J-Just a little bump on my little piggy. N-N-No big deal… I-It’s embarrassing, really…

K – You tell her. Really, who doesn’t stub their toe every one in a while? You really gotta fuss over every small detail like this?

[ Wrong Selection ]

P – Oh, I could never stub my toe on that!

U – That would really be starting things out on the wrong foot! Right, Mr. Golden-Ager?

[ TELEVISION ]

P – Y-Yes, you’re right… It was the TV!

U – Y-Yes, I stubbed my pinky toe on the TV. B-B-But what of it? Why is this so important to you?

U – Shisho must’ve moved it so he could watch my routine. But what a place to put it! Right in the middle of the doorway like that! I didn’t want to bump into it again, so I put it back where it belonged.

P – That’s right. It’s a closed-circuit monitor that shows the stage.

P – O-Oh my! Yes, you’re right! The TV hit the table, and Shisho’s body moved with a jolt… That’s when I first realized that Shisho was dead! Oh! But how scared I was!

P – A-All right.

[ MOOD MATRIX #1.3 ]

K – After my performance, I went to visit Shisho.

P – I called to him from outside the room…

P – …but he didn’t reply.

U – When I opened the door, I thought he was sleeping.

K – I tried to enter the dressing room, but stubbed my toe on the TV.

U – When I put the TV back in its normal spot, I realized Shisho was dead!

P – Seeing him slumped over that cluttered table…*sniff*…Oh, Shisho…

[ Wrong Answer ]

U – Match, match… Ahhh, I see. “MATCH”, as in…

P – “Manage to Assert

K – a Thoughtful, Calculated Hypothesis.”

U – In other words, YOU are the something here that didn’t “MATCH”, correct?

[ Simon, being a punny little shit – “Looks like you’ve met your match.” ]

[ OBJECTION! ]

P – Wh-What do you mean?

K – S-Search me. Your little thingy must’ve made a mistake!

U – Well, I…Er…

U – Nnnngh… I… I-I…!

[ Wrong Answer ]

U – I can express many emotions, such as surprise, sadness, and anger upon my cushions. To me, these expressions are simply an act. If I lost control over such things, I wouldn’t be very effective on stage, now would I?

[ KARUTA CARDS ]

P – I, er…

U – [ nervously sipping tea ]

P – Nnngh! [ noise (...and cushion) level to 0% ]

[ U.3.N.D.0 ]

U – YOU. ARE. CORRECT. I. AM. A. ROBOT. BEEP BOOP BOOP!

K – Hah! What a space cadet!

[ Superpowers ]

P – Oh, yes! I make these butterflies dance in the air with psychokinesis. Hee hee!

K – NOT! They’re floating on the breeze of my fan, that’s all.

U – I’m very sad to say I don’t have any supernatural powers.

[ MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES ]

U – (SPITS OUT TEA)

P – H-H-How did she know? How did she figure it out?!

K – Hey, you! Lawyer girl! You got a problem with us?! Huh?!

U – Uendo Toneido. I’m a rakugo storyteller, as you know.

P – Hello, everybody! Patches, the friendly jester here! Hee hee!

K – Hmph. Kisegawa. Courtsean.

A – And is that all of you?

U – Yes, that’s all of us.

[ Wrong Answer ]

P – Wow! You are amazingly heedless, aren’t you!

[ FOURTH PERSONALITY ]

U – N-No! That’s not why! We kept our disorder a secret for a different reason altogether.

P – We’ve been taking advantage of our affliction to act out various rakugo characters. If word of this got out, well…

K – …our reputation as a rakugo artist would be tarnished, as would the Toneido name.

U – That’s why we kept it a secret from everyone except members of the Toneido school. But really, there is no “fourth personality”. It’s just the three of us in here.

U – B-But…!

P – Y-Yes, I’m afraid so! Really stunk up the stage, I did! Hee hee!

U – And yet, I have a perfect alibi!

P – Okey-dokey-smokey!

[ WITNESS TESTIMONY #3 ]

U – I was onstage until just moments before I went into the dressing room.

K – The entire audience was my witness.

P – But my performance was a huge bust. Not a single soul laughed!

U – I’ll never be able to live down how terribly I bombed during that very important show.

[ CROSS-EXAMINATION ]

[ Statement #1 ]

U – Are you asking whether it could’ve been some imposter?

U – Unlike a big arena, a rakugo theater is a cozy, little place. It would be hard to fool an audience in such an intimate setting, don’t you think?

U – Good. I’m glad we could clear that up, because I guess you could say…

[ Statement #2 ]

K – Not a thing. Everything was the same as always. Mr. Prosecutor, you questioned the audience, didn’t you?

P – Oh…It’s so embarrassing! I tried my best! Really, I did…

[ Statement #3 ]

K – Hmm… I’m not sure if it was my performance, or if it was just that particular audience… Or maybe it was the story I picked. But every entertainer knows that this kind of thing happens from time to time.

[ Press #3 > Audience Number ]

K – Well, let’s see. We drew a full house, so… …I think there must have been fifty, maybe sixty people in the audience.

P – Exactly! I dropped a big, stinky bomb in front of all those people. It was a catastrophe, I tell you! I was sweating buckets from start to finish!

[ Statement #4 > Fifty People ]

U – That’s right. Everybody was just staring in silence at me. It was simply awful.

K – What are you trying to say?

P – O-Of course there were people in the audience! It was a full house, I tell you! Lots of regulars. Want me to ask ‘em all to come here?

[ Press #3 > What you performed ]

U – I could, but I’m not sure if it would mean anything to the uninitiated.

U – All right. If you insist… The story I performed is called “Tokisoba”– otherwise known as “Time Soba”.

[ Statement #4 > Performance ]

K – Well…I suppose I was a little nervous… It’s a lot of pressure when you’re the star of such an important show, you know?

U – I wanted so badly to live up to the great name of “Uendo” that I inherited… …that I guess I overperformed a little this time.

U – That’s right. The name belonged to one of Shisho’s former disciples who died of illness at a young age.

U – In that case, can I count on your sympathy, and have you go a little easier on me?

[ Statement #5 ]

K – Well, aren’t YOU a regular rude daisy?! Do you really think a rakugo artist who regularly bombs would get promoted? In fact, I’m known as the Toneido School’s “Whirl-Uendo of Laughter”, I’ll have you know!

U – [ fucking sadfacing at the nickname being insulted ]

P – Hee hee. I’m glad you like it!

[ OBJECTION! ]

U – Odd? N-No, I don’t think tere’s anything odd about it.

U – [ SPITS OUT TEA ]

K – Well… You see… The reason for that is…

U – How do I say this… You see… Um, let’s say it was a, uh… a prank…

P – Th-That’s right! It was just a little joke, you see! H-Hee hee! I was trying to surprise Shisho by performing his routine before he did!

[ Performance ]

U – But Shisho’s scheduled routine is written right here in the invitation.

P – Here, why don’t you read what Shiso was going to perform out loud?

K – “You just earned yourself a penalty, defense!”

[ Cause of death ]

P – Come on! Not even a jester like me thinks the cops would be fooled by such a silly trick.

K – Besides, the story I was originally going to do, “Soba Glutton”, also features soba.

[ TIME OF DEATH ]

P – Eeeeeeeek!

U – [ spits tea ]

P – Yipes!

U – [ SPITS MORE TEA ]

U – Ngh…

U – ……….

U – Nnngh… …I-I confess. I-I tampered with the crime scene.

K – Now wait just one minute! Yes, I admit to messing with the dressing room, but I didn’t kill Shisho!

K – I… I refuse to answer that question!

U – …Geez. Not that again. I told you we don’t know anything about this “Owen”!

P – Bravo! You tell ‘em, Mr. Prosecutor! Hee hee!

P – I-I exercise my right to remain silent!

P – Sh-Shut up! I will remain silent, and that’s it!

K – Patches, you fool! You stay out of this!

[ WITNESS TESTIMONY #4 ]

U – I’ve never met any personality named “Owen”.

K – Patches was just blurting out nonsense in a panic.

P – We’re always aware, so we’d definitely notice if a personality like that showed up!

K – How dare you treat me like a criminal based on mere conjecture?!

[ CROSS-EXAMINATION ]

[ Statement #1 ]

U – Well, it’s more like all three of us are always here. And the personality that is most suited to the moment is the one that comes out.

P – Well, we never know when our turn will come, right?

K – So we stand by, and listen.

U – I never really thought about it, but I guess that’s right.

[ Statement #2 ]

P – Hee hee! Why, hello! You rang?

P – Well, er… You see…

K – I’ll take over from here, if you don’t mind! Listen. I hate to say it, but Patches is about as smart as a sack of rocks. If you grill him with a bunch of highfaluting words, he’s going to want to keep silent.

K – Well, I don’t know about that. But, anyway… …I do know that Patches was just flustered, and that’s why he decided to remain silent.

[ Statement #3 ]

U – Wh-What would happen? I’m not even sure what you mean…

U – N-Ngh…!

K – Comparing us to cockroaches– do we bug you that much, girlie?!

[ Statement #4 ]

U – But how can you be so sure that that’s what the cards really mean?

U – Well, for example, “Owen, the fourth hitter”!

P – He’s a baseball player! A really great one, too! Owen Gonzales, thirty-six years old. He’s a “cleanup”, fourth-place hitter, of course.

U – Well, then how about this? Maybe it means

P – “OWE N 4 TH”, like “I owe ‘N’ four thousand.”

U – What? “N” isn’t a person! It was Shisho’s favorite hobby shop, “N-Joy”. He was a huge model train collector.

U – Maybe he owed the hobby shop some money. So he left a note to remind himself.

K – Shisho worked in mysterious ways.

K – I’m being completely serious! The point is, “OWEN 4TH” could mean just about anything!

[ Wrong Answer ]

P – I may be soft in the noggin, but I don’t see a single bruise on my head. Do you?

[ RICE WINE SAKE ]

K – Oh please. Don’t call it “rice wine”. That’s so unsophisticated. And it’s not even “wine”. Hmph. Silly girl.

K – I drank sake? Oh, that’s a good one!

U – We have a real sweet tooth, you see, so, yes, we did accept a sugary, red-bean bun… …but since we really dislike sake, we said no, thank you to that.

P – Believe it or not, we’re real weak when it comes to booze. Hee hee! Even a tiny drop can knock us right out!

U – So, you see… …I had a sweet manju bun, but I didn’t drink any sake.

U – Yes, that’s right.

U – I don’t recall doing anything like that.

U – Well, yes…That’s right.

U – [ SPITS OUT TEA ]

K – H-Hmph! What kind of lightweight do you think I am?! Even I wouldn’t pass out from eating a single manju!

[ AFTER RECESS ]

U – ……….Ngh…

U – D-Don’t be ridiculous! A sweet little snack like this couldn’t possibly… I-I mean, it could never…

U – Ngh… F-Fine. whatever!

U – *chomp* *chomp* … *gulp*

U – See? I told you… It don– don’t affect me in the suh– slightest! *hic*

P – We might be a liiightweight, but c’mooon, nnnobody’s THAAAT l-light. Hee hee!

K – Hmph. Sh-Sheriouslyyy… Nobody ge’s drunk offa wuh, wuh, one lil’ bun… *hic*

[ OWEN ]

O – Oooooh… *sniffle*

O – Oooh… *sniffle*…M-My name is Owen… I’m…five.

O – A-Am I in trouble…? Please don’t yell at me… Oooh…

O – Shisho… Shisho…! *sniffle*

O – Uwahhhhh!

O – Uwahhh! Whatta scary lady!

O – O-Okay… Shisho was…super nice… He always played with me… Just ike… Just like a real grandpa. I loved Shisho… *sniffle*

O – Ooohhh… *sniffle*

O – I-I saw it… I saw Shisho getting…

O – Y-Yeah…

[ WITNESS TESTIMONY ]

O – Shisho was standing with a knife in his hand…

O – Blood was dripping onto Shisho’s face, getting it all red..

O – I couldn’t move at all!

O – I was so scared… I passed out.

[ COMMENTARY ]

O – I…Ooooooh… I was so scared…! *sniffle* Oooooooh… So… So scared…! *sniffle*

[ MOOD MATRIX #2.1 ]

O – Shisho was standing with a knife in his hand…

O – Blood was dripping onto Shisho’s face, getting it all red...

O – I couldn’t move at all!

O – I was so scared… I passed out.

[ Wrong Answer ]

O – *s-sniffle* Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

O – Oooooh… Uwaaaaaaaaaah!

[ OBJECTION! ]

O – Yeah… Blood was dripping down onto Shisho’s face…

O – I-I remember now! Somebody was sitting up on top of Shisho!

O – O-Okay… So…Um…So…somebody was sitting up on top of Shisho, bleeding from their head… …and smooshing something into Shisho’s face!

[ MOOD MATRIX #2.2 ]

O – Shisho had blood on his face and a knife in his hand…

O – He was on the floor, and somebody was smooshing something into his face...

O – I couldn’t move at all! I was so scared… I passed out.

[ Wrong Answer ]

O – Um… no. Not at all, lady.

O – Oh, no! Now the lady is mad at me! Waaaaah!

[ OBJECTION! ]

O – Ooooh… Y-You’re scaaaring me…!

O – Well… Wh-When I woke up…the person who killed Shisho…was standing over me… …bleeding from their head…

O – Ooooh… I… I don’t know who it was….

O – *sniffle* Okay…

[ MOOD MATRIX #2.3 ]

O – Shisho had blood on his face and a knife in his hand…

O – He was on the floor, and somebody was smooshing dough into his face!

O – I couldn’t move at all!

O – I was so scared… I passed out.

O – and when I woke up…

O – …the person who killed Shisho was standing over me.

[ Wrong Answer ]

O – “Incon…” Huh? What does that mean?

O – Y-You mean, I did something bad?

O – I-I’m sorry, really! I’ll try to be a good boy from now on, honest! *sniffle*

[ OBJECTION! ]

O – That nice smell… I love the smell… of that perfume…

O – I-It’s the smell of…of… Ungh…

O – Ooooooh… It’s the smell of… [ faints ]

[ CREDITS DIALOGUE ]

U – That trial the other day really inspired me. I’ve even created a rakugo routine based on Shisho’s case.

P – It’s a mystery story that’ll keep flipping the audience’s thinking on it’s head! It’s called “The Scary Udon Noodle”! Hee hee!

K – Hmph, you’re giving away too much in the title!

U – Keeping the Toneido School going… …is our way of paying penance and repaying our debt to Shisho. And that includes rakugo training for that kid, Owen.