#guy who had a zillion chances to stop and at every turn was like nope i'm gonna keep going

[utilitycaster]

Obsessed with how Moc Weepe fka Willy Swinzy sees a woman he loves and who blew herself up in front of him in an act of defiance on her deathbed and she's like "you could choose to be better" and he's like "no I just hurt people, it's my nature" and she's like "literally that is not how it works; I am not intrinsically good and you are not intrinsically bad, we just make different choices" and he's like "no I'm rotten to the core I'm a terrible person" and then he proceeds to straight up ignore her dying advice. This is how you write a villain.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt.74

“Show me your teeth again?”

Smiling so his teeth showed, Lance was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Pidge had been... he expected more anger. Like a kick to the nuts or to be tasered. He really should have know once her anger passed Pidge would be asking a zillion questions. Hunk was a little more subdued, perfectly acceptable as Lance was happy not to be hated

“Don’t you cut Keith’s lips when you kiss?”

“He does”

Sitting in Keith’s lap, his boyfriend had his arms around his waist. They’d ended up in a weird five way hug in the cell after Shiro had given him a sheet to wear around his hips. Keith was crying, he was crying, Hunk was crying... there was a lot of crying. Now they were celebrating being back together again Pidge style. Sitting in the back of a not so busy pub. They were all there. Matt, Rieva, Shiro, Curtis, him, Keith, and Allura. He’d invited Allura on a whim. It kind of... he kind of felt like this massive burned was off on him. He still wanted to talk to Pidge and Hunk alone, but he wanted Matt and Pidge to hurry up and reconnect now. With limited spacing, he’d sat on Keith’s lap as a joke, but Keith had seemed pretty okay with having him there, so he hadn’t moved.

“And Miriam... she’s not your grandmother or your daughter?”

Lance shook his head. Pidge had asked him that like three times now

“Nope. Mother”

“And she’s human”

“Yep”

“And Keith’s human?”

“Yep”

“And Shiro...”

Lance couldn’t stop smiling. He was in his boyfriend’s arms and the trouble coming from Rome couldn’t feel further away

“Is human”

“I just... how did we not see it sooner?!”

Lance shrugged

“I’m an amazing actor?”

“You’re a butt nugget. Do you feed from Keith?”

“Nope. Blood bags”

“Why don’t you feel from Keith?”

“Because I prefer blood bags?”

“But wouldn’t Keith be fresh?”

Keith groaned, reduced to a walking bag of food

“Can we not act like I’m not here?”

“But I have so many questions!”

“I know. You’ve asked him everything repeatedly”

Reaching past him for his drink, Lance shifted a little so he wouldn’t be in the way. Keith was drinking, but it was okay, because he totally deserved a drink for putting up with all of them as long as he had. Lance was drinking too, not that it did much of anything

“I can’t help it. Now we know, does that mean you’re coming home?”

Ah... there it was... the question he’d dodged before...

“Maybe”

Pidge wrinkled her brow as she stuffed another wedge in her mouth

“Why not? We know now...”

“Don’t speak with a mouthful. Because there’s some things I need to do first”

“Lame. And you’re not my dad, old man. How are you so young?!”

Lance sighed

“Because I stopped growing”

“So like, no grey hair ever?”

“No”

“No getting old?”

“Nope”

“Wow. You’re like one of those click bait anti-aging ads”

How he wished he could grow old. But if he did... it’d be kind of weird when he and Keith went out

“I’m sorry. It’s not like I don’t want to look older”

“Can you turn back into a bat?”

“Not right now?”

“Do you need to recharge or something?”

Keith drained his drink, placing it back down on the table before resting his chin on Lance’s shoulder

“Lance only turns into a bat when he’s upset. First time I saw it happen he was a bat for three days”

“That’s so cool. You totally need to learn how to control it. Then you could be like “nope, I’m out!”, turn into a bat and fly away

“You mean like right now?”

Pidge glared at him

“That’s so rude”

“You’re the one being rude, Gremlin. You could be talking to Matt”

“But Matt’s just a werewolf. You’re like a vampire”

Matt’s ego wasn’t going to love that

“Pidge... maybe you’re asking too many questions?”

Hunk’s voice was low. He was staring down at his beer

“Hunk, bud, if you’ve got questions, you can ask them”

Hunk shook his head

“I feel so stupid. You weren’t sick and I kept trying to take care of you. No wonder you were always cold”

His poor ray of sunshine

“Hey. I appreciated every single time you tried”

“I don’t... How do you survive? Like... I’ve seen you in the sun and I’ve seen you eat...”

Allura answered Hunk

“Lance is a little peculiar for a vampire. He’s a model citizen of how a vampire should be. Being turned young has worked in his favour and helped him keep a good grip on himself. Coran is very proud of him”

Pidge turned to Allura

“Coran’s the...?”

Lance wouldn’t miss a moment to brag about Coran

“He’s the man with gorgeous orange hair and magnificent moustache that made you sign those forms before you could leave”

“Oh... Is he a vampire?”

“Nope. He and Allura are very special”

In his ear, Keith whispered

“You’re special. And loud”

“Aw, Babe. You think I’m special”

“Very. And loud”

Pidge poked her tongue out. Lance ignoring her and kissing Keith on the cheek

“You two are gross. Allura, how do you tolerate them?”

Allura giggled. Despite the pubs feel, she still wore her hat to keep her ears hidden, easily passing as human

“Coran and I are very happy for the both of them. This is the first time Lance has dated. Both compliment each other and have amazingly compatible quintessence”

“What’s that?”

Allura had done it now. Lance nuzzling against Keith’s face as all the attention went off of him.

With drinks flowing, Pidge loosened up. Lance finding he didn’t have to contribute to the conversation. Snuggled into his boyfriend, Keith was talking more than him. Lance was happy for him. Happy that Keith felt like he could talk. Happy Keith was surrounded by people who accepted him... and happy that he hadn’t ended up murdered and dumped in the closest alley. Hunk was getting there. Lance wondered if he was thinking about Shay. He didn’t want to come between them. Maybe he could ask Coran about a non-disclosure for Shay? Shay and Hunk were just the cutest couple. He could see them in matching cane rocking chairs on their front veranda with grandbaby Hunks and Shays running around in the front yard as they sipped their ice tea and talked about their first matching tattoos. If he never could have returned to Platt, he would have left his house to Matt and Rieva. Rieva would have wanted to pay rent, which Lance would have set aside for rates and upkeep. Now he had a chance at going back there... but not until talked to Keith about what Keith wanted to do. And Keith couldn’t have that talk until he talked to his mother.

With a soft sigh, Lance leaned back, kissing Keith on the cheek

“What was that for?”

“For you. For putting up with me. For being the strong one today”

“I didn’t do much of anything”

“You helped us all reconnect. Don’t sell yourself short”

Keith was buzzed. He had to be after how ever many drinks he’d gone through. They came for lunch and lunch was long gone. His boyfriend was smiling, chatting, and his hand had wandered down to sit on Lance’s thigh

“I need to use the bathroom”

Not the deflecting comment a sober Keith would make

“Alright. I’ll hop up”

“You could come with me?”

Matt and Rieva both choked on air. Keith must have forgotten about their hearing. Pidge tilting her head as she stared at the pair of them

“Guys? Are Lance and Keith being gross?”

Matt was smiling like the horny arsehole he was, as Lance felt his dick twitch. He’d been damn dickmatized by Keith. Now his cheeks were warming up and Keith’s hand was sliding up his leg

“Keith has to take Lance home”

“What? Why?”

“It’s a vampire thing”

Why was he being blamed because Keith had wandering hands?! Fucking Matt. Allura misreading things thanks to Matt

“Oh. Oh, dear. Keith, you’d better take him. Or I can take him and you can stay?”

“No, I’ve got him. Sorry, guys. He hasn’t eaten much today”

Lance hadn’t eaten anything other than human food... was his teeth showing? Was he missing something or was everyone blaming him because Keith had wandering hands? Moving his hand to palm at Lance’s crotch, Lance squeaked. Fucking Keith!

“I’m actually pretty hungry. I get a bit Hangry when I haven’t eaten. Keith, let’s go, like now”

Yeah. He was confusing his friends. But Keith’s stupid hand felt good. Maybe he was releasing pheromones?

“I’ll call you guys a taxi. Will you be alright?”

“I’ve got him, Shiro. Sorry we’ve got to go. Are you guys headed home tonight?”

“Nah. We’re staying at my parents place here. We’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“Yep. Come on, Lance”

*

Sitting in the back of the taxi on the way to the bookshop, Lance was pointedly not looking at Keith. The silence between them weird

“I’m horny”

Lance’s eyes went wide

“Dude! You can’t just blurt that out!”

The poor taxi driver probably wondered what the fuck they’d gotten themselves into

“I can’t help it”

“You don’t need to announce it. I’m so sorry about my friend. He promised to tip you well if you ignore him”

“You don’t wanna do it?”

Lance groaned, face burning. He didn’t know if he wanted to or not

“Maybe. Just calm down until we get back”

Keith turned his head to look at him

“You know... you’re really fucking pretty. Your eyes are so fucking blue”

Oh, God. Could Keith please shut up?

“Thanks?”

“It’s true. You’re really cute... I like you, you know I like you, don’t you?”

“I know”

Keith went silent for a few moment. Lance grateful until his boyfriend sighed deeply before stating he was horny again.

Handsy Keith was handsy. Lance wrapping his boyfriend’s arms around his waist so he could keep those hands from feeling him up as he rubbed against his arse. Getting in the mood, they ended up giggling between kisses and Keith’s attempts to grope him, Lance grateful they made it back to his room without being seen. Sitting his boyfriend down on his bed, he straddled Keith’s lap. Cupping Keith’s face in his hands, he smiled at his boyfriend

“You’re drunk”

“I’m happy”

“You’re drunk and happy”

“Kiss me?”

“I would, but I refuse to take advantage of you”

“You’re not...”

“You’re drunk, babe. We haven’t talked about having sex again”

Keith sighed, nuzzling into Lance’s left palm

“You’re right”

Lance was in the mood below the belt, but the lack of intoxication kept him levelish

“We had a scare. And I think maybe we should talk”

“You haven’t mentioned it again... do you regret me?”

Purple eyes looked up at him so sadly

“God. Keith. No. Not you. Not ever. I want to know if you’re okay”

“I don’t... I feel like whatever I say, I’m just going to sound horny”

That was true, but he also knew Keith would back off if he didn’t want to

“If I say I’m nervous, will you say you’ll be patient?”

“If you say you don’t want to have sexy sex we won’t”

Lance quirked an eyebrow at “sexy sex”. Keith was “drunky drunk”

“What if I said I was scared of falling pregnant? Scared I am?”

Keith kissed his palm, looking adorable as he did

“You’re not, babe. I swear I took care of your arsehole”

And Keith’s cuteness went out the window. Lance would have face palmed if he could have

“Baaaabe”

“I did. I don’t know what to do. It feels good not hiding... but now I have to share you”

“You know you’re the only one for me”

“Am I? Because you’re really nice and cute. You could have anyone”

“I don’t want anyone”

“Then rely on me! Let me fucking love you!”

What now?

“You love me?”

Keith sucked in a shaky breath

“Yeah. I talked to Shiro last night. I, like, love you and shit. I wanna be with you. Like... being with you. Fuck. I’m not good at this. I swear it’s not because I want to stick my dick in you, even if I really want to. I really don’t know what I’m saying but you’re special and stuff. Like... I got so mad today but I got where Pidge was coming from and it’s like everything is finally looking up again and that’s your fault. And I liked not like hiding and like maybe I can see like a future for us and god... I don’t know how to love but I think... I think I like you more than like. Fuck. I’m saying this wrong”

Damn if Keith hadn’t just made him melt. Now he could smell himself, Keith was definitely sending him into heat

“No. No. I really want to be with you”

“Then be with me!”

“I am... okay... fuck... just... be careful?”

“I’m going to wreck your fucking arse”

That wasn’t being careful... but okay. He couldn’t live in a whatever moment when the future looked so good.

Lance’s heat rolled in as he stripped, Keith rubbing against his arse hadn’t helped things down there, his underwear uncomfortably wet as he shimmied it down. Keith got naked way too fast and way too easily, laying on the bed, waiting for Lance to be ready. Crawling up and into Keith’s lap, his boyfriend pulled him down to kiss, Lance whining softly as his unwanted fear tried to ruin this for him. He was overthinking. He knew he was overthinking. Keith might have been babbling, but the sentiment was there. He wanted him. He liked their friends knowing and being open about it. They didn’t have to lie anymore and it was liberating. Grinding in Keith’s lap as they kissed, Lance wanted everything Keith could give him. Breaking the kiss, he stared down at Keith, Keith smiling like he was blissed out of his head already

“You’re staring”

“You’re sexy”

“Thanks...”

“How do you want to do this?”

“Like this... I want to watch you”

“Good. I want to watch you while I fuck your arse on my big dick”

Keith needed to work on his dirty talk. Lance had to fight not to laugh

“Okay...”

Boy if Keith didn’t deliver. Lance had his hands against the wall, Keith’s hands on his hips as his boyfriend held him down, fucking him until his fears went out the window. Mouth open, he was the one who was a babbling mess

“Babe...?”

Keith was warning him, Lance didn’t want him to stop

“Shit... I’m close... don’t stop... nghm... Ah... Ah... nmm... shit... fuck... ah... ah... mnmm... ah... ah...”

It was hard to sound sexy as he came across Keith’s belly. Keith driving up, letting out a stuttered groan as he came. Keith was a caring lover. He always tried to make Lance come first... and fuck if he hadn’t.

Keith sat up, Lance letting himself sink into his boyfriend’s arms, hips still rocking as they nuzzled into each other

“Babe?”

Kissing his cheek, Keith really was the sweetest

“I’m okay”

“Okay... good...”

“Keith... I... I don’t want to... lose you”

Sexual intimacy was weird. A new fear would linger for a while, until he could let go entirely. The same fear would linger in Keith’s heart too. Both of them too serious for their own goods and prone to being lost in the bad thoughts

“You won’t”

“I want to find a way to have this be normal for us again”

“We will. You should eat and we can cuddle”

Sex might take some time, but Keith’s cuddles were a whole other story

“I’d like that”

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Gormless Ch. 13 – Everything’s awful but lesbians are in fact REAL

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband.  In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England.  Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag.  She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon.  He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok.  Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything.  Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government.  She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

Turns out a preserved corpse of a Soulless person that the Kingair pack stole from Egypt is causing the humanization problem.  However somebody is after that coprse, and knocked LeFoux and Lord Maccon unconscious.  Alexia gonna have to fix everything herself HURMPH!

Chapter 13 – Everything’s awful but lesbians are in fact REAL

Wowzers! Here’s the climax chapter.  It won’t be the height of tension, but it will be the height of my irritated confusion.  My apologies for length, it was a long chapter, and full of a lot of bullshit. LET’S GO!

              We get a rare good moment where Alexia looks at the passed out Maccon and worries about him.  She makes a cute note about how his eyelashes are super long and once when she commented that she was jealous of his long eyelashes he tickled her neck with them.  This will be the last genuinely good thing in this chapter.

Alexia goes to a recently woken up LeFoux.  LeFoux is all distraught, and there’s a bullshit line about how being upset made her look slightly more feminine and Alexia, “Didn’t know if she liked that.”

              CAUSE SADNESS IS A WOMAN DISEASE AND ALEXIA ONLY CARES WHAT LEVEL OF CURRENT FUCKIBLITY YOU ARE! THE LEVEL OF EGOMANIA ON THIS BITCH!

              LeFoux is like, “Hey don’t be mad at the woman who shot me and your husband. She didn’t ~mean~ it.”

YES TURNS OUT THE BIG BAD OF THIS BOOK SERIES I FUCKING CALLED BACK IN CHAPTER 4 OF THE LAST BOOK!  It was Angelique! GOSH WHAT A FUCKING TWIST! YOU KNOW THE CHARACTER WHO, AT THE END OF THE LAST BOOK WAS DESCRIBED IN TEXT AS A BLATANT SPY! Yet the entirety of this book Alexia thinks its LeFoux and goes so far as to think she’s faking being shot? She turns out of the room and all the werewolves are sleeping and instead of…I DON’T KNOW letting them know she’s identified the attacker?  She just huffs that she must do everything herself.

GOD STUPIDITY AND A POINTLESS MARTYR COMPLEX IS REALLY FUCKING HOT! ALSO I’M GLAD THAT EVERY SINGLE WEREWOLF FELT COMFORTABLE FALLING ASLEEP WITH AN ACTIVE SHOOTER IN THEIR CASTLE THAT WAS EVEN ABLE TO PUT DOWN THEIR FORMER ALPHA!

So Alexia goes to the room where the mummy is, but Angelique is not there. So instead of disposing of the body that Angelique is clearly after, she’s runs up to the Aethongrapher room. Angelique is there and shoves her aside to escape the room. So they go back to the mummy room, and Angelique is trying to drag the body out of there.  Alexia goes to shoot some of her sleepy darts at Angelique but just as she’s about to Ivy shows up to stand in front of Alexia and whine that Alexia is being callous to her.  But as I have described before, this is not Ivy’s fault. Ivy’s kink is inconvenient timing. Blithering obtusely in front of a weapon while the bad guy gets away makes her CUM.  The TV hasn’t been invented yet so she can’t stand in front of it during a crucial part of a show/game.  SHE HAS TO FIND SOME WAY TO GET OFF!

DO YOU WANT THIS WOMAN TO NEVER ORGASM!?

Despite that Alexia is able to catch up to Angelique and knocks her unconscious with a hefty umbrella swing.  She takes the mummy outside, and dissolves it using the acid function on her umbrella.  I mean, I was hoping she’d go whole hog and it would come to life and fight them but WELP guess that would be stupid fun and we’re only allowed one of those things in this book and it ain’t fun.  When the corpse is just about pudding, Alexia goes back in and hears Ivy scream.

OH NO!

We take a break from this regularly scheduled programming to swap over to Biffy, Channing, and Lyall at the Westminster Hive.  Biffy apparently snuck in and broke their Aethonographer.  This is just to let us all know that the message Angelique tried to send before didn’t get through.  I mean targeting the Aethongrapher only, doesn’t make any sense AT ALL from their perspective and honestly you could have written the entire thing out to tighten up the story.  But like I guess it was real important to have that bit where Alexia has to try 2 rooms to find Angelique.

FUCK ME RUNNING!

So Ivy screamed because a woken up Angelique puts a knife to Ivy’s throat and is leading her up the stairs.  All the werewolves are there as well as Tunstell.  Tunstell gets out the magic gun, which by the way they start calling the ‘tun tun’ which makes a lot of sense and is totes keeping it tense. Shouldn’t it be the tun gun? WHATEVER!

They go up to a room and Angelique makes Ivy open a window.  Meanwhile Tunstell tries to sneak around the side while Alexia tries to distract her.  By the way this is the first time we hear that Tunstell is apparently a big dude. I had totally assumed that since he was described as a meek servant/actor coated in freckles that he was a 5’5” adorable waif boy who weighs 110 lbs on a good day.  I’m glad you waited till now to tell us that. After a bit of a scuffle Tunstell wrestles the knife away, saves Ivy, and Angelique tumbles to her death out the window.  The gun is never shot and Chekov leaps out to die on the cold hard Scottish earth like Angelique.

Apparently there was a rope ladder leading down that window that Angelique was really hoping she’d be able to escape down, with the knife to the throat of a hostage? OKAY THEN!  When Angelique woke up, why didn’t she just try to make a break for it, to avoid being persecuted by the supernatural police?  What was the point of the hostage thing? Why did she have this rope ladder prepared?

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST BOOK! IT’S NOT GOOD ACTION IF THE ENTIRETY OF IT FALLS APART LIKE A BISCUIT IN TEA WHEN YOU ASK LITERALLY ANY QUESTION REGARDING IT!

You know what would have been a thousand times better?  If Alexia goes to question a recently recovered Angelique, and Angelique in a panic puts a knife to a dipshit Ivy’s throat by a window. Angelique demands to be given the body. Alexia explains that she destroyed it.  Angelique at first doesn’t want to believe it but eventually concedes. Saying something along the lines of, “…If I can’t deliver the body…then…then they’ll kill me…”  The people there try to reassure her that they can protect her.  However in Angelique’s stunned grief she slips from the window, Tunstell is able to grab Ivy but not Angelique.  Was it an accident?  Did she want to die on her own terms?  WE’LL NEVER KNOW?  The chapter ends where the crowd goes to check on her and Angelique is FOR SURE dead. LeFoux seeing the shattered body of her former lover, clutches Alexia and wails.

BUT NOPE IN FACT THIS HAPPENS NEXT!

So Alexia is the only one to go check the body.  Angelique is in fact dead, but turns into a ghost. Angelique tells Alexia to perform the exorcism, which means kill her for real real. Alexia wants questions answered first. Angelique says she’ll answer 10, Alexia agrees to this.  

So like…why are you going to respect her wishes now? Doesn’t she need to be persecuted under the law, or have proof of the Hive’s wrongdoing?  You maybe want to give LeFoux a chance to talk to her, since she was obviously really upset and protective of her before? GUESS NOT!

Angelique, before the questioning is revealed to have done this whole task for the immortality, since she previously and is still working with the Westminster hive. She is GIVEN immortality in the form of being a ghost and is immediately like NOPE I’D RATHER DIE. HUHHHH? MAYBE IT’S NOT IDEAL VAMPIRE THING BUT REALLY?

GOD WHATEVER IT JUST GETS WORSE ANYWAY!

Angelique says that it wasn’t her who tried to break into her bag or poison her. Alexia asks if LeFoux is trying to kill her, Angelique says probably not cause you’d already be dead.  AND LIKE WE ESTABLISHED THIS EXACT ANSWER TO THIS SAME QUESTION BEFORE. WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR QUESTIONS YOU COMPLETE IMBECILE!

It’s revealed that Quensel, the kid LeFoux was taking poor care of before, is Angelique’s son.  Angelique was trying to hide the fact she had a son from the vampires cause the vampires won’t turn her if she has any family. Apparently LeFoux, was trying to get Angelique to take care of her son and to stop the vampire biz by threatening to tell the Vampires about her son.  That didn’t work apparently.  We also confirm that yes, SHOCK OF SHOCK, Angelique and LeFoux used to be an item for many years.  So we have this OH SO DELIGHTFUL paragraph:

“Alexia had seen something of the kind in her father’s collection, but she had never imagined it might be based on anything more than masculine wistfulness or performances put on to titillate a John’s palate.  That two women might do such things voluntarily with one another and do so with some degree of romantic love. Was that possible?”

(Irritated Stare with the phrase [stares in gay judgement])

You’re 26 years fucking old, you’re well aware that gay men exist, LeFoux has been hitting on her blatantly this entire book and has been pretty much screaming how much of a lesbian she is.  Like you can have Alexia in bi-denial, sure, but for her not to even realize two girls can have sex and romance at one another outside of men JACKING IT!? FUCKING WOW!   I want to be clear and say that there is a myth that Queen Victoria didn’t think lesbians were real when she was enforcing the no homosexuality laws. TO BE CLEAR THAT IS A MYTH! PEOPLE IN VICTORIAN TIMES KNEW LESBIANS WEREN’T JUST A MALE CREATED HORNY MYTH LIKE HOW WOMEN LOVE THE TASTE OF JIZZ, YOU THICK-HEADED TWIT!

The last questions that Alexia asks basically are, “Is it possible for women to love each other?” and “You’re a cold bitch aren’t you?”  QUEEN PICKED TOP INVESTIGATOR HERE!  She then FOR REAL kills Angelique.  Also I’m glad she didn’t ask Angelique what they were planning on doing with the humanization corpse, because that mystery is probably what the entirety of the 3rd book is about.

So we head back in the castle to try to wrap this all up, and boy is it pointlessly messy.  I’m going to recount the items in order, so you TOO can realize what a clusterfuck this is.

Alexia tells LeFoux that Angelique is dead which makes LeFoux cry.  Alexia has a normal human response to seeing a woman she likes grieving.

“Lady Maccon envied her skill of crying with aplomb.  She herself went all over splotchy, but Madame Lefoux seemed to be able to execute the emotional state with minimal fuss.”

By performing some pretty sweet mental gymnastics to make it about herself. CONGRATULATIONS!  She does later say that the scene was painfully sad…but…your first thought, and the one you dedicate more than a sentence to is… “I wish I could cry as hot as she could?” MOTHER OF FUCK LADY!

Maccon takes Alexia aside and explains that LeFoux and he are besties despite not interacting with her at all this entire book.  He told his BFF4EVAH to keep an eye on Alexia.  Don’t know why he would have lied about this?  Maybe Alexia would have felt patronized? Alexia was attacked 5 times last book and needed to be saved 3 of those times.  There’s nothing wrong with that ratio, but there’s also nothing wrong with wanting to have back up if you’re in a dangerous profession. Besides that the two both love science and gadgets, and if he couldn’t predict that LeFoux would awaken his wife’s bisexuality too, it seems silly to lie to her about it.  

But my pity for Alexia runs dry again when, upon hearing Maccon and LeFoux are buds…she accuses Maccon of sleeping with LeFoux. And it’s like…

(Honestly, you people, and by that I mean straight people…are ridiculous.)

If Alexia is bi, it don’t matter she’s still in denial and acting like a straight up straighty.

You just found out that lesbians are real and that LeFoux is one of them, and YOU were the one to almost cheat on him with her, and you ACCUSE HIM? Are you FOR REAL!?  I mean this is just a set up for Alexia to realize SOME MORE that lesbians are real. I’m glad I’m reading one of those books where everything needs to be explained 5 times.

Alexia brings up the fact that Angelique turned into a ghost but exorcised her right away without considering if literally anybody else wanted to talk to her INCLUDING THE LONG-TERM –EX-GIRLFRIEND WHO WAS RAISING HER KID.  LeFoux is rightly upset at this and Alexia retorts with

“There’s no need to wallow.”

Now even Lord Maccon steps in like, “THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, SHE’S RIGHTLY UPSET!”  To which Aleixa points out OH SO RIGHTLY that LeFoux didn’t want to be girlfriends with Angelique again, so like…it makes no sense why she’d want to have some parting words or care about her living or dying.

THEN THIS TRANSITION SHEESH VERBATIM:

Lord Maccon looked at his wife appreciatively. “Good Lord, woman, how could you have possibly known that?”

“Well” – Lady Maccon grinned – “Madame Lefoux here did play a bit of the coquette with me while we were traveling. I do not think she was entirely shamming.”

I’m sorry what?  We already established that LeFoux is a vagatrian and had a relationship with Angelique.  Is she saying the fact she was flirted with PROOF that LeFoux is not in a relationship? Alexia, you were flirting back and you’re married. This is not a brilliant deduction.  We only have this transition so that Alexia can brag about almost BUT NOT ACTUALLY cheating on her husband.  And like…it’s one thing to take the piss out of him because he’s irrationally jealous.  However Alexia herself was like REALLY, REALLY irrationally jealous a second ago and it’s not really irrational since Alexia might have had sex with her if she came to the conclusion earlier that girls can like other girls.  SoOOoOOoOOoo great!

We continue to have pissing contests.  Maccon is mad that Alexia never told him she was almost poisoned, even though you’d THINK Tunstell would have brought that up to him since he’s his servant and he was the one actually poisoned.  LeFoux admits she was looking around for Alexia’s bag and that she wanted the humanization weapon too.  However she wants it NOT because she’s in the Hypocras club, but in the Organization of the Brass Octopus (OBO.)  The Organization of the Brass Octopus is a secret group of Scientists that is working to curb the power of Supernaturals and that the Hypocras Club was a ~militant branch~ of the OBO.  Alexia is bothered that Maccon didn’t tell her about OBO, since YANNO Alexia spent half the book thinking that her crush LeFoux wanted to genocide people like her husband.  Which yanno REALLY STOPPED HER FROM A LOT THERE!  Alexia tries to ask more questions about OBO and Maccon just answers them all with, “But it’s a secret!”

Really love that Maccon gets super mad when Alexia doesn’t talk to him, but when she asks questions he huffs and won’t tell her.  You could maybe argue that since it’s a secret society thing that Maccon shouldn’t tell her. He was sworn to secrecy or some shit.  But like also…a branch of this club nearly killed them both… and she’s in charge of the entire English government’s Supernatural balance system….Maybe it’s okay for her to know a little about a powerful organization in that country that’s supposed to do the same thing?

WHATEVER!

We end with LeFoux admitting she was LOOKING FOR Alexia’s bag but never went through it or messed up her room to find it.  Alexia for once has a normal reaction which boils down to, “FUCK THIS SHIT!” and storms out.  CAUSE WHY BRING UP SHE WAS LOOKING FOR IT AT ALL? That is pointlessly confusing.

So below I made a little chart with how easily it could have been to make this conversation flow better. Even if you want to keep in jealousy pissing contest which is also an EVEN WOMEN WOULD SEX ME STUPID HUSBAND!

I’ll admit I don’t know a lot about editing books…but I feel as if either the editors gave this a soft touch.  It seems like a simple fix that could have tightened it up and made it an easier read.

Say something nice Faps:

It was technically a climax

They technically tried to wrap things up

It has been acknowledged that yes LESBIANS ARE REAL

I did genuinely like Alexia having a vulnerable moment looking upon her knocked out husband and feeling protective of him.

[eroda94styles]

Midnight Swim

Requested by an anon: Oh babe, can you please write something about... hmm... Sami? lol maybe he is in love with a girl in the roster but he's kinda scared because he is 10 years older? She can be his best friend and... Damn, a lot of fluff and maybe smut? idk lol

Word Count: 950

The second Sami walked into catering, he heard your laugh and it felt like his heart started pumping at a million miles per hour. He took a seat at a table across the room from where you and a few other female superstars were watching the current on going match.

Sami sat back and smiled as you laughed and smiled at the inside jokes you were told. He never seen someone so beautiful, someone so full of life and happiness, but in the back of his mind he knew he could never have you. You see, Sami was 32 and you were 22, exactly 10 years apart.

Sami was snapped out of his trance when he felt a large arm clamp down on his shoulder. When he looked up he saw the big Samoan man named Roman Reigns.

“Man, you are whipped. You should just go and talk to her.” Roman said as he took a seat next to Sami.

“I don’t think so man. She’s one of my best friends, I don’t want to ruin that. I really do like her, but I’m 10 years older than her.”

“Age is nothing. You should go talk to her before you lose your chance.” Roman said as he got up to get in position for his match. Sami and Roman did the normal guy handshake and Roman was off down the ramp.

When Sami turned his head back around towards you, he found you watching him with a gleam in your eye. You smirked as your cheeks turned brighter than red and returned to your conversation with the girls.

“I think you and Sami would be the cutest couple ever. Besides me and Rusev that is.” Lana said as you two walked hand and hand around the edge of the hotel pool.

You let out a laugh at your best friend and said, “I don’t know. I really really like him, but he’s been avoiding me for some time now, but I take half of the blame because I’m avoiding him too.”

“And why is that?”

“Cause I think I’m in love with my best friend and I’m beyond terrified to ruin that. We’ve been together since Ring of Honor and we went through NXT and got drafted together. What if he doesn’t feel the same and I blurt out like ‘Hey Sami, I’ve been in love with you for quite some time now’ and he’s just like ‘Nope, adiós.’”

Lana stopped walked and brushed some of your hair behind your ear. “Sweetie, you’re overthinking everything. You are an amazing person. Just breathe okay. I know that Sami likes you too, who wouldn’t.”

“How do you know that?”

“I have my sources. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go have some fun with my man.” Lana gave you a kiss on the head and waved bye.

You ran your hands through your hair and rubbed your eyes. There were so many thoughts going through your head. Should you tell him? Should you not? God, why did Sami have to be so perfect?!

You dropped towel off your shoulder and dived head first into the warm pool warm. You slowly glided from one end to the other as the water settled down all your thoughts and relaxed you.

When you raised up for air, you noticed a tall figure standing by the edge. You wiped the water from your eyes and saw Sami.

“Hey.” Sami said with a wave and a smirk that you absolutely loved.

“Hey.” You swam over to his side and looked up at him. “What are you doing up so late? It’s probably around midnight right now.”

“I could say the same thing.”

“I was with Lana but her boo thang awaits.” You stomach did flips when you heard Sami’s laugh. “Why don’t you jump in? The water is fantastic.”

“Well, I’m not dressed appropriately,” He said pointing down to his jeans and band tee. “And it’s pretty late.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Help me out please?” You asked with a smirk as you lifted your arms out of the water.

The second you had a strong grip on Sami you pulled him in to the water.

“Ah great (Y/N), now I’m all wet.”

You didn’t know what you were doing, but you swam over to Sami, wrapped you arm around his neck and kissed him. It felt like a zillion and one fireworks were going off and you felt sparks in your stomach clash with the butterflies as Sami kissed you back.

But he soon pulled back away. “Wait (Y/N), are you sure about this? I mean, I am 10 years older than you.”

“Sami, do you really think I care about that? Age is just a number and it doesn’t matter. What matters is how much I like you, and I mean really really like you. You’ve been my best friend for years and every day I fall more and more in love with you. You make me so happy and every time I see you walk into a room, it’s like a bunch of butterflies go crazy in my stomach and whenever you smile or laugh or even talk I get lightheaded because you’re the one for me and I don’t know if you want the same thing t-”  

Sami cut your off by bringing his lips softly back to yours.

“You took the words right out of my mouth. I love you (Y/N). I’ve always have since the day I’ve met you.”

“I love you too.” When you tried to lean in to kiss Sami again, he splashed you with water and quickly swam again.

“Oh, I’ll get you Zayn!”