#guilt related to bodies that women and girl's are especially saddled with
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I am omw ✈️ ruminating a Big Oof in the tags thx
claps 4 me I hit 30 tags of Thoughts
#not at all a current thing but rather me looking back. retrospective stuff#i'm reading what is literally a fanfiction (lol oh me) that has one character's discovery and exploration of their demisexuality as#as a major plot point to a much larger overarching plot. and it's really nicely done and packs an emotional punch!#the meat of things though is that it's somehow getting me to think long and hard about this quite significant period of my life when i began#to think i was demisexual or maybe entirely asexual (this was prior to my awareness of asexuality being its own spectrum with gray ace etc)#and i'll say now that it turns out i'm decidedly not ace in any way - allosexual i guess? - and just had a lot of...Baggage#re: desire and wanting things that are generally before sex and my perception of self; purity culture and the machine of fundamentalism and#guilt related to bodies that women and girl's are especially saddled with#but anyway! this questioning of being maybe demi or ace involved me thinking i'd figured out a lot of past things i'd experiences#like what was technically my first kiss with my short-lived high school boyfriend and how it emded before it really started with me pushing#the guy away and saying 'get off of me' and feeling sick#and disgusted at the mention of kissing in songs and tv and movies for weeks afterwards; being uncomfortable looking at my own mouth in the#mirror for a long time; feeling ashamed of how i'd reacted. and then when i went on a tinder date years later - one that went well - the guy#tried to kiss my cheek after walking me back to my dorm and i squirmed away thinking he was going for my#for my mouth and then frantically apologizing and again ashamed and terrified even though the guy was very kind and understanding about it#and then another time when i went on dates with someone for a while one semester and on the first one he asked to kiss me and i was#terrified but said yes because i liked him and thought maybe i'd gotten over it and once it started i told him verbatim no never mind sorry#and (felt like i) had to explain and apologize even though HE was nice about it then and every time after#so i did start to think i was damaged or broken because i couldn't handle this basic intimacy with people i did very much so like in what#always ended up feeling like it was in an abstract way physically speaking; and then the first time i actually wanted to kiss somebody i had#a weeks long crisis and was scared and confused and couldn't sleep; and finally with josh it took until#i was horribly drunk the first time i tried - then it took over a month once we started dating to get to the point#of being able to kiss him. and really - back to this fic - so much of the character's arc parallels my exact experience#that it's uncanny and dredges up weird emotions - they're only weird because i know NOW that i'm not asexual or demisexual. i just had a#roundabout way of figuring out what i was so to speak. but it seems like there are still pockets of thought and feeling from that time in my#life that smart a little now that they're getting prodded. i think i felt very abnormal and alone because the only place i saw asexuality#was online and it was from people i didn't know. i guess i'm just Having A Moment feeling so much sympathy and love for asexual people in#that place and always being told they don't belong in the lgbtq+ community or aren't queer enough or are musguided#and i'm sad for other young girls and women who have complicated relationships with their bodies and desires and sex and intimacy#because fundamentalism and purity culture has lied to them and twisted them
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