#guest muse: talkie toaster

[divinityunleashed]

( Follow up to this - x )

"See?! See what this fucker is like?! There's no reasoning with this piece of junk!"

"If you'll allow me, White Heart, I can handle this."

"Now you listen here. You will not offer ANY bread products to either of us. If you do, you will be on the receiving end of my Blade."

"Can I ask just one question?"

"Of course."

"Would anyone like any toast?"

"Did you not hear what I said?!"

"Yes, but I thought you might have changed your mind in the meantime."

"You see?! You see what he's like?!"

"We didn't change our minds...!"

"NO TOAST!!"

"But I am a toaster. It is my purpose. I toast, therefore I am. If you don't want any toast, why did you repair me? Hmm?"

"Yeah, why the fuck did you repair him?"

"He's a guinea pig for what Nep Jr calls "Intelligence Compression." The accident damaged his AI Chips."

"Now that was no accident, that was first degree toaster-cide!"

"Look, just shut the fuck up."

"OW!"

[divinityunleashed]

Toastie as the one sole CPU please

praise talkie

"Would you like some Toast?"

[divinityunleashed]

BOOT UP SEQUENCE INITIATED VISUAL SYSTEM: CCD 517.3 ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE SYSTEM: K177 MACHINE IDENT: TALKIE TOASTER MANUFACTURER: PLANEPTUNE INC. RECOMMENDED RETAIL PRICE: 19.99G PLUS TAX

"Hello? Can you hear me?"

"Ah, course not. I haven't reengaged your verbal systems."

"Purple Heart! Purple Heart, what the hell are you doing?"

"Using the knowledge I learned from Nep Jr, I have repaired the toaster or nearly repaired the toaster."

"No, dismantle that freaker, you have no idea what he's like!"

"What do you mean? He's just a talking alarm clock who provides a helping serving of toast and light conversation..."

"Not this one, this one's mental."

"White Heart...?"

"He's defective. He wants you to eat Toast all the time, he's obsessed with it! And if you don't eat like, 400 grams of toast every hour, he throws a fit. That's what caused the accident in the first place!"

"What accident?"

"The accident involving me; the toaster, the waste disposal and thousands of swings from my battle axe!"

"Well trust me, White Heart, my motives will become clear."

...

"Howdy doodly-doo!"

"How's it going, I'm Talkie! Talkie Toaster! Your chirpy, breakfast companion. Talking the name, toasting the game! Would anyone like any toast?"

"Look. I don't want any toast, and she doesn't want any toast. In fact, no-one around here wants any toast. Not now. Not never. NO. TOAST."

"How 'bout a muffin?"

"OR muffins! OR muffins! We don't LIKE muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns! And DEFINITELY, no freaking flapjacks!"

...

"Ah, so you're a waffle girl!"