#guess you cant hide it anymore paul

[talkingspaceshuttle]

Paul McCartney, you may not know it, but we can guess your secret right unknowingly.

[lordofthesea7]

Yandere Summary pt. 4

Me? Posting another summary not months after the last one? Anyway this one covers episode 9 because I cant find episode 8 which is mildly annoying but oh well I guess.

The video opens with Sam waking up to Taurtis sitting on him holding what look like shears.

The first thing taurtis does is ask sam if he knows that he kicks in his sleep.

sam says that yes he does know and explains he has night terrors.

He was kicking taurtis's crib while sleeping and keeping taurtis up.

Sam asks taurtis about the shears and taurtis holds up mr. fish and claims he's been holding mr. fish the whole time.

Sam asks Taurtis to get out of his personal space and taurtis gets closer.

SAM THEN SAYS HE FEELS LIKE THEY'RE ABOUT TO KISS??

Sam stands up and then Taurtis asks if he wants to invade Grian's personal space, which Sam giggles and says yes to.

Sam farts on grians face and taurtis uses a fan to blow it into grian's nostrils, which wakes him up.

Grian leaps out of bed and pulls out the katana he kept.

Sam grabs his katana and taurtis grabs his shears

Grian says hes not staying there anymore because that wasn't a prank it was just disgusting.

Grian and Taurtis both have phones but sam doesn't and we learn that his dad won't let him get one.

We also learn that sams dad is a single parent.

Taurtis got his from the dumpster and it doesn't work

it was apparently grians old phone that taurtis just pulled out of the dumpster and kept.

Sam goes to the bathroom and Paul blart is hiding in his ceiling, asking about Silly Jilly being missing and a man killed with a rusty blade. The same guy the kids killed for the Yakuza.

Sam brings grian and taurtis into the bathroom and they talk to Paul until Sam's dad comes in (there are a lot of comments being made about paul blart it was weird).

Sam's dad wont let sam get a phone because he's afraid of flashing lights.

They kids go downstairs and there is a bottle of alcohol on the table, which Grian takes a sip from.

the kids stop at the store and taurtis wants to hit on this girl and tells her to smell his fish

Sam and Grian are his wingmen

This scene made me very uncomfortable i will have you know it was really weird.

Taurtis then says he doesn't actually like her he just wanted her to smell his fish.

galaxy uses her wrench to break the store window and steal a comic.

yay I'm done. It seems like I missed a lot in episode 8 so I may try using the wayback machine to find it. Am I that dedicated to this summary. I don't know.

[radiotorn]

TF2 ASK MEME... THE EVENS

DAMN HOMIE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ thank u ok under the cut bc it's a lot:)

2- Who is your favorite mercenary? Mmeehehhehehehe Demoman :] i kiss him and rotate him in my brain

4- Do you have a favorite tf2 pet? If so then who? oh my god ARISTOTLE!!!!!!! I don't care if it's not canon or whatever i love spys bird so much i want you to all look at this bird

6- If you are in the fandom, how did you get into the fandom? Im not really in the fandom besides occasionally drawing the mercs im just in my little bubble of mutuals who are the only right people about any of the characters. everyone else can stay quiet though

8- Did you find out about tf2 by the game, sfms or the comics first? None! i found out abt the game YEARS ago From this YouTube poop, used as a flipnote i cant find anymore. But from there, it was the "Meet The" videos i must of stumbled upon randomly???

10- Favorite quote from the Meet the… videos? engies "best hope…not pointed at you" bc i remember being like !!!! :OOO!!! FUCK!!! thats badass . when i first watched it

12- Favorite quote from the comics? okay it probably doesn't count but its one that sticks its the screen on admins monitors waayy back in the beginning that say "miss pauling. hide." sticks with me bc it is just a little haunting like…. :)

14- Do you have any OTP(s)? if so then what? hmm…i like a lot of pairings but ones that i find extra nice and awesome is swordvan, spy and heavy (idk their name but they r criminally underrated and i enjoy them together), engie and demo(i also dont know their name cries) and boots n bombs. sniperspy is fun sometimes tho

16- Do you have a BROTP? if so then what? i LOVE pyro and heavy ok i think they are the best like they. i cannot even put it into words they're everything to me. scout and sniper are also buddies too

18- Favorite headcanon? this is extremely self indulgent and like not backed by anything but pyro is hungarian and mexican. this is so true to me forever and ever. i also really like the hc that soldier enjoys painting

20- Do you have a favorite tf2 fanfiction? If so, what is it? Oh my god i will link it to you RIGHT MEOW!!! Tori u already know but to anyone else pls give it a read and check out this authors other works they fuck

22- Do you have any tf2 ocs? If so, then tell us about them!! IIII DO! I won't go into too much detail, but i have The Horticulturist(Horti) and The Pathfinder(PF). Both are Hungarian, Horti is involved with agriculture/plants/etc and PF is an ex-aperture employee with memory issues and menthal illness plaguing him all the time that makes sure battlegrounds r safe to fight on and that their base isn't falling apart they're strung together by spaghetti noodles

24- What is your favorite (official or unofficial) SFM? this, this or this

26- What is your favorite tf2 comic? i think blood in the water bc of just how much fking happens but also idk i like all of them a lot. especially 7 :')

28- Is there a character you hated at first but now you love? not particularly there is still hatred in my soul for c!heavy always

30- Which character is underrated? Demo, Heavy and Soldier. We all know this FAR too well :| it's a damn shame because i love all of them so so SO much especially demo he's my husband i kiss him every day and night

32- Who was your favorite character when you first got into the fandom? Did it change? Oh Yeah. My fav at the start was Medic, and then it shifted to Sniper, and now it's Demo/Heavy <3 though i frankly find myself loving all of tha mercs they all make me smile

34- Favorite moment from the comics? seeing admin all decrepit and dying bc she looks very gorgest to me. or when sniper gets shot because my god? or when we see engie at all. i love him. i always wished they did more with pyro in the comics tho :(

36- Do you have a favorite AU? What is it? I'm not sure??? I haven't seen too many AU's besides like monster or aquatic or freaks if they even count. though i guess technically qu/azies po/otis vids are an au so that for sure!!!!!!!

38- What is your favorite cosmetic? i would say Aristotle again but i mentioned it earlier soooo perhaps the seared sorcerer for pyro …but COMBINED with discovision!!! you wish you were me (me pictured below)

[shitty-tf2-headcanons]

Ok so: mercs with a gf who is a rape victim, but her rapist is female, so she never told her mercenary lover about her or what she did to her because she so used to being told stuff like "It wasn't a man, so it wasnt that bad" "But she was your friend! Don't you ever wanna talk to her again?" etc etc. (Maybe she even lets her merc lover in on how her own mother told her she "cant compare it to a lady getting raped in a park" and tried to force her to be around her rapist?)

Scout-

When you first tell him everything, he’s furious. He just wants to take a bat to everyone who’s said such disgusting things to you and especially to the woman who violated you. He can’t even comprehend how your own mother could say such a awful thing. He wants to scream and fight and...just hold you. He pulls you into the tightest hug he can ever muster and gently strokes your head. He’s trying so hard not to cry into your shoulder, he wants to stay strong, he wants to remain strong for you.

“I’m never letting that happen to you again, you hear me?! N-Not ever! You got me...you got me and my ma. She’ll be...she’ll be a way better mom than yours, o-okay?”

Soldier-

Why? Why would someone do something as awful as that? No matter how many times you try to tell him or explain to him, he’s never going to fully comprehend it. Why would those people say that? Why did your mother even think about saying that? Why did the universe allow such a terrible thing to happen to someone as good as you? So many questions are flooding his mind that he almost forgets you’re there. If you snap him out of his catatonic state, he’ll put a hand on your cheek and stare at you with wide almost tearful eyes.

“You’re a tough one, soldier. Tougher than me even. God throws all kinds of crap your way and you just tear through it all. Thank you...for telling me, soldier.”

Pyro-

Their hand is holding yours the entire time you tell them. They don’t say a thing the whole time. They don’t even react much besides an occasional squeeze when you get into the more grisly parts of the story. People assume they know nothing of the world’s cruelty and humanity's savagery, but they know all too well what people are capable of. They guess that’s why they want to burn it all down. They just want to burn down the entire world so it’s just the two of you. No pain, no suffering, just you. They pull their mask up to their nose, tears running down their scarred cheeks, they can barely hold back their sobs.

“I’m so sorry...Y/N...I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to protect you! I’m so sorry, I-I’m so sorry...please...I wish I was there for y-you..!”

Demo-

He’ll offer you some of his booze, it help eases the pain for him, so maybe it might do the same for you. He’s gonna drink the entire time you tell and occasionally give you a sad glance. He’s angry of course but there’s nothing he can really do. Terrible things just happen and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. It happened and it’s all in the past now. The only thing left to do is try to move on and heal. Don’t let the experience break you. Grow from it and only become a stronger person. He wraps an arm around you and pulls you close to his side.

“Listen, luv, I know you’re hurting and all but you can’t let this break your spirits. Keep being the beautiful person I know you are and grow from this. Just uh...don’t develop a drinking habit like me.”

Heavy-

He’s no stranger to rape and sexual assault. He’s seen it happen many times in the Gulag. And all those times he witnessed it, a part of him died. So it feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest when you tell what happened to you. He’s angry at the fact that you were attacked, but he’s even angrier that your own flesh and blood would say that to your face. Family is supposed to support and comfort each other! Not brush off such a traumatic experience. He lets you lay your head on his shoulder and he gently strokes your waist.

“Anyone try to hurt you again, man or woman, will be crushed by me. I refuse to let you be hurt by anyone ever again.”

Engineer-

People like to believe that good people do exist and that good will always prevail over evil. That justice will always be served and every tragedy will be resolved with love and compassion. Engie liked to think this way. But it’s when he hears a story like yours that he feels like giving into the apathy of humanity. He won’t though. He can’t. Cause he still has you to care for. He has to be there to remind you that you are heard and loved. He wants you to know that he’ll always be there to listen. You’re sitting in his lap and he has you wrapped up in a hug, gently rocking you back and forth.

“I’m so sorry, darling. I’m so sorry you have to deal with any of this...I’m here though, hun, I’m here for you. You don’t have to do this alone anymore.”

Medic-

Just like Heavy, Medic has witnessed many atrocities during his time in Nazi Germany. Things like assault become such a common occurrence that it no longer had any affect on him. It had just become a way of life.

However, his apathy didn’t prevent his heart from shattering when he heard what happened to you. He understood that bad things just happen sometimes but what he couldn’t understand is how cold your mother could be...weren’t they meant to be loving and comforting? Medic leaned down and gave you a long heartfelt kiss.

“People like your mother aren’t worth your time, liebling, they are but simple minded idiots. What matters now is that you’re safe here with me and Archimedes.”

Sniper-

He’s at a loss. He doesn’t know what to say or even do for you. Nobody’s ever told him something this personal and...real. He never imagined that someone he loved so dearly would have to go through something so traumatic. He feels slightly sick when you vaguely allude to what happened to you, he feels even sicker when you explain the dismissal you’ve had to deal with. He knew there were some bad people out there but why was your mother one of them? Why couldn’t she just believe you and comfort you like a real mother would? He shakily pulls you to his chest and holds you close.

“It’s...it’s alright. Y/N...I’m so sorry for everything...I...I just...I love you, roo, you know that? I’m always gonna love you and hold you close by me...”

Spy-

What you tell him angers him to no end but he manages to hide it behind a stoney expression and a lit cigarette. The notion that women can’t assault others or it’s not as severe as a male doing it sickens and angers him to no end. When will people understand that anyone of any gender is capable of hurting another being so severely. He’s not a good father by any means but what your mother is utterly revolting. He’s no good with emotionally charged situations, but he knows he can’t leave you now. He holds your head to his chest and rests his chin on top of your head, his hand stroking down your back.

“I’ll always be there for you, mon trésor. Nothing and nobody will ever come close to you as long as I’m here with you.”

Miss Pauling-

She understands and empathizes with you. She’s met a few women who’ve tried to take advantage and she was met with the same dismissive comments. It seems like everyone cares about the victim until they learn the attacker was a woman. Then it’s just jeers and doubt from all those supporters. Just hearing you recount everything fills her with a rage she hasn’t felt in a very long time. All that murderous rage directed right at your rapist and mother. But she isn’t planning on murdering anybody until she gets the okay from you. Pauling wraps her arms around your waist and kisses your cheek.

“I know what it’s like. It almost happened to me one time but...I’m just glad you’re okay for the most part. And hey, if she or your mom come sniffing around here, can we bury them with these corpses here?”    

[killanyone4you]

i hate asking people to ask me questions so here are my answers

this was more fun for me then it will be for you

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?  uhh my little brother maybe

2. Are you outgoing or shy? depends on my mood i think.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?  idk if this counts but i’m seeing the used in july

4. Are you easy to get along with?  yes. usually

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?  i dont drink.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?  all kinds of people. i dont really have a good answer for this. i’m attracted to people i connect with and that’s what i focus on

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? uhhhh

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?  i cant say or i’ll be heavily judged

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?  no

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?  my best friend.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?  thank you you da best

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?  like, of all time or just like, that i’ve been listening to recently? ima answer both. so my 5 favorite songs of all time in no particular order are: Something Corporate: Ruthless. Something Corporate: Walking By. Good Charlotte: Screamer. The Outfield: Your Love and Fall Out Boy: Young Volcanoes. my top 5 of all time has changed for sure but that’s it right now. and then as far as songs i’ve been listening to non stop recently also in no particular order: LP: Switchblade (also any LP). Taylor Swift: Gorgeous (also any Taylor Swift).  Post Malone: Sunflower. Selena Gomez: Back to you. I Prevail: My Heart I Surrender. also bonus jonas: any throwback Jo Bro songs and also their new song. anyway that took longer than i expected.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?  very much

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? no not really. shit happens.

15. What good thing happened this summer?  it’s not summer yet

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?   sure

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?   probs

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?   no haha

19. Do you like bubble baths?   yes. dont trust anyone who doesn’t like bubble baths

20. Do you like your neighbors?  i dont really know them.

21. What are you bad habits?   hating myself? idk i’m a hermit person who hides from the world. annddd that’s probably not the best habit

22. Where would you like to travel?   everywhere

23. Do you have trust issues?   uhhh. i like to think i dont but i probably do

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?  sleep

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?  most of it

26. What do you do when you wake up?   pee

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?   i just wish my skin was even. it’s a mess.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?   my little brother

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?  nope. they ran for the fuckin hills yall

30. Do you ever want to get married?  maybe

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?  yus

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? um... i feel like Will Farrell and Danny McBride could get the job done.

33. Spell your name with your chin. hard pass

34. Do you play sports? What sports?   no sir.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?  tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?   uh yeah. probs a million times

37. What do you say during awkward silences?  unintentionally anything and everything that could possibly make the situation more uncomfortable.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?  to answer this properly i’d have to think about it and i’m really just looking for quick answers here. if someone reads this and truly wants to know send me an ask and i’ll answer for real.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? target, the christmas tree shoppe, barnes and noble, michales.

40. What do you want to do after high school?  lol i’m old af i’ve been out of high school for 10 years yall

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?  no. some people do.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?  i’m uncomfortable or i dont know how to say what i’m thinking.

43. Do you smile at strangers?  yes. all the time and i hate myself for it.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?  neither pls both of those things are probably my biggest fears of all time.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?  the need to piss.

46. What are you paranoid about?  losing my job due to illness.

47. Have you ever been high?   yes

48. Have you ever been drunk?   yes

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?  yes

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?  grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?   yup.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?   my plethora of mental illnesses. probably. 

53. Favourite makeup brand?  i dont wear makeup much anymore. i cant say i have a favorite.

54. Favourite store?  the christmas tree shoppe

55. Favourite blog?  does anyone have a favorite blog?

56. Favourite colour?  grey

57. Favourite food?   cheese/

58. Last thing you ate?  ice

59. First thing you ate this morning?  cake.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?  i’ve won writing competitions

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? fighting.

62. Been arrested? For what?  nope/

63. Ever been in love?   i can never tell.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?   well technically my first kiss was in pre school with a boy called tommy but i’m not sure that counts. my first like, real kiss was at a smashing pumpkins concert and i was kind of seeing this guy who was one of my best friends in middle school and we were in that middle place of like, being really good friends but wanting to see if there was more. so we were there with my best friend and his best friend (who i also had a thing for dont fucking judge me) so i was laying in the grass with my head in his lap listening to one of the opening bands (i wanna say it was fuel but i dont remember) and he texted all the people with our group to ask them to leave so all of a sudden they all walk away and once their gone he leans over me spider man style and kisses me. so to be fair it was also his first kiss but it was really awkward and bad and we didn’t talk at all after, we just went back to watching the show and when my friends all came back i got up and forced them to go to the bathroom with me to tell them what happened and to ask them why they abandoned me. later i found out he was super proud of his “slick moves” and did not in any way pick up on how awkward i felt.

65. Are you hungry right now? nope

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?  i dont really have many of either so eh

67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook. i dont even use twitter.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?  ^^

69. Are you watching tv right now?   i have youtube on my tv playing music videos.

70. Names of your bestfriends?  Jerry

71. Craving something? What?  Mexican food

72. What colour are your towels?  grey

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?  1

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?  no

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?  a few

75. Favourite animal?  elephant

76. What colour is your underwear?  grey and white

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?  vanilla i guess.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?  raspberry sherbet -

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black

80. What colour pants?  not wearing pants.

81. Favourite tv show?  Guys Grocery Games

82. Favourite movie?   The Princess Bride or Music and Lyrics or 10 Things I Hate about You

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?  .... this is a dumb fucking question. i shouldn’t even have to say the answer. if you’re in any way questioning the answer dont ever talk to me.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?  21 Jump Street.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?  She doesn’t even go here!

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?  Dory

87. First person you talked to today?  my cat

88. Last person you talked to today?  my mother

89. Name a person you hate?   i try not to hate anyone. but i guess it’s safe to say trump

90. Name a person you love?  my baby brother

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?  kind of my mom. always trump

92. In a fight with someone?  nope i dont do that petty shit.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? i’m not sure any of my pants qualify as sweat pants. i have a lot of leggings and pajama pants.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?  a shit ton. 20 or 30. i dont really know.

95. Last movie you watched? i watched most of infinity war earlier because i was bored but i stopped about halfway thru to go masturbate. which wasn’t a result of the movie i was just horny

96. Favourite actress?  i dont really have one so i’m going to say Millie Bobby Brown because she’s a sweet baby angel

97. Favourite actor? i also dont have one but Paul Rudd is always on my mind so.

98. Do you tan a lot? no yall i’m sickly white all year round.

99. Have any pets? i have a chonky boi Pogue the black cat

100. How are you feeling?  quite indifferent rn actually.

101. Do you type fast?   i guess.

102. Do you regret anything from your past?   many things

103. Can you spell well?  nope i spell like shit,

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?  yup

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?  many. love  good bonfire.

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?  i guess.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?   yes i am... born of hillbillies. so. we ride horses.

108. What should you be doing?  dishessssss

109. Is something irritating you right now?   i had plans with my goddamn mother which i partially only made because i wanted her to bring me some things i had mailed to her house and after waiting FIVE HOURS for her to call and tell tell me she was on her wait. she never did so i finally called her and she was like “uhh i said maybe tomorrow.” UGH i wasted half my goddamn day waiting on her ass.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?  uh yes. it’s awful

111. Do you have trust issues?  you already asked this.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?  my cat

113. What was your childhood nickname?  i dont think i really had one. my stepmom called me kay.

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?    yes

115. Do you play the Wii?    i never had a wii but i played it with others

116. Are you listening to music right now?   yes. i have a random playlist on youtube playing. rn it’s malibu miley cyrus

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?   with a soda on the side.

118. Do you like Chinese food?  yes. it’s probably my second favorite kind of food.

119. Favourite book?   well all the harry potter books i think would be my favorite but i hate that answer because it’s not specific so my favorite stand alone book is Ella Enchanted.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?  not usually.

121. Are you mean?   yeah sometimes.

122. Is cheating ever okay?   on a partner? no. on other stuff maybe

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?  nope

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?   nope

125. Do you believe in true love?   nope

126. Are you currently bored?  yes. why do you think i’m sitting here answering a hundred and fifty questions for no reason? no one asked for this lol

127. What makes you happy?  sleep. books. my cat. music. driving on the highway at night. food. rollercoasters

128. Would you change your name?  probably. i hate my name.

129. What your zodiac sign? taurus

130. Do you like subway?  yes

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? my best friend of the opposite sex is gay but if it happened i’d ask him if his feelings would somehow cause us to stop being friends and deal with that accordingly

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?  my sister in law.

133. Favourite lyrics right now? this is hard because there are a shit ton but i guess the one that’s sticking out the most to me rn is “i have a thought of you for every star in the sky”

134. Can you count to one million? i mean, yeah. but why?

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? yall i’ve told so many lies. but the one that just popped into my head is when i was pretty young i was mad at my older brother for who even knows what so i wrote his name on our front door in his hand writing with sharpie. it worked and he got into a lot of trouble

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?  open. my asshole cat doesn’t allow any doors in my apartment to be closed at any time.

137. How tall are you?  5′5

138. Curly or Straight hair?  weird waves that dont ever look good

139. Brunette or Blonde?  i’m brunette but i dye that shit.

140. Summer or Winter?  winter.

141. Night or Day?  both for different reasons.

142. Favourite month?  i dont have one

143. Are you a vegetarian?  no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?  dark

145. Tea or Coffee?   both.

146. Was today a good day?  not really.

147. Mars or Snickers?  neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?  god that’s impossible. there’s no chance i could pick only one quote so i’m just going to drop one from the labyrinth because it’s been on my mind and David Bowie is a sex god. “Just fear me, love me, do as i say and i will be your slave.” like. fucking imagine the Goblin King saying that to you? i'd die. fuck me right here pls i'll do anything you say. pls.

149. Do you believe in ghosts? i dont. but i’m willing to be proven wrong

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?  “That’s all right.” said the Stork, who was flying along beside them. “I always like to help anyone in trouble. But i must go now, for my babies are waiting in the nest for me. I hope you will find the Emerald City and that Oz will help you.”

[flyfarahway]

i feel empty again.

idk if it's bec i just finished a really good fic and you know how it is after you've realized something is over and you go back to the mundane life you've always had. i don't regret reading it but maybe i regret looking more into it than i should have. its not the fics fault of course. it was a masterpiece. its been a while since ive read a masterpiece. but ive always had a problem with getting sucked into things and taking so long to get out.

or maybe it was with all that logan paul bullshit with the aokigahara forest like man. that was really insensitive and cruel and just plain stupid. its all over twitter. and its good that various people are calling him out. but with so much negativity spewing out of a space i use to destress i cant help but feel guilty over seeing something funny and uplifting like i always do and then that pops up every so often. maybe im being shallow idk. its honest to god really good that a light is being shed on this topic but there are so many other people who support him regardless and that just makes my knees buckle.

ive thought of suicide before. whenever i have a breakdown my mind easily flits to just ending it. tho ive never attempted it. i dont want to die through suicide. but after all those times thinking that all ive ever known was built on deception on manipulation on lies to get what they want its so easy to feel like nothing is worth it anymore. so i cut. i dont do it as much now thank god. but i still do have bad days. and it hurts me whenever i get inconvenienced or affected by such a small thing i immediately think about hurting myself or jumping off the balcony of our apartment. sometimes the hurting myself pulls through. sometimes it doesnt. im trying my best so that it doesnt. but its weird cause i take satisfaction in seeing my scars and running my fingers over them. its one of the things thats changed i guess. its weird.

or maybe im just having an off day. with all thats happened online yesterday and doing my best to hide the newly healing scars from my mom idk. maybe its translating to exhaustion right now. i woke up with jelly legs and a nervous heart. i get it sometimes. just sometimes. but its still makes me jittery and not want to get out of bed again. off days are not my favorite. they tell me im still not really better. but i relish in the fact that it kind of validates my diagnosis cause most of the time i feel like its a joke or an excuse. i clarified with my doctor just to make sure. and she said yes that it is most likely what i have. but she also emphasized that im also inclined to depression and anxiety. im a psych graduate so she knows i know what that means. and that its something i need to watch out for.

why i wake up feeling like i dont want to do anything escapes me. i can try to pinpoint but ill never really know the reason. writing about it here helps a lot. and i feel a lot lighter now. my body still insists that i do nothing or at least if i do something i do it very very slowly. thats fine. at least i wont stay stuck in bed the whole day. just one step at a time. one action at a time too.

[hirenpatelbct-blog]

Integrative Practice

Manhunt By Peter Bergen

So far I have had great start to this project. I have never been this excited so much when reading. It was probably that video of Paul Brunson of Comprehension thats inspired me to read and reflect in a way that I have not done before. Reading use to be something that has not been my best strength but these last couple of days have been truly heart warming. Thanks to this assignment so far I feel my comprehension has really improved more than I ever imagined and reading for the first time feels fun.

Osama Bin Laden the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks a sickening human being who loves seeing the death of many people across the world. A man who was called Americas most hated and on the worlds most wanted list. I was interested in his story of how this rich and religious man become the most wanted man on the earth. The book Manhunt by Peter Bergen is on Osama Bin Ladens finally days on earth and how we was found thanks to the modern day technology and intelligence. When reading this book It was interesting to understand the struggle America had to locate Bin Ladens whereabouts. Bin Laden tricked American forces and intelligence agencies that he was living in caves instead he was living in a mansion in the heart of the city. America knew that Bin Laden was not using phones or technology to communicate with his peers and followers so they tried couriers. Couriers which in this generation are completely out of date were used to help Bin Laden communicate it was smart because these it would be the best way to communicate without being caught.  Technology has made lives for everyone certainly a ton much easier and its made criminals like Osamu Bin Laden fear for their lives. These guys cant use their phones laptops any electronic device to communicate which can be a massive struggle. Personally when I dont use my phone for at least 10 mins I feels anxious so imagine how these guys felt not being allowed to use their phones. A single phone call from these guys could be easily traced and Bin Laden would be found. Their was a key point in this, In this era we always here that Couriers and letters are outdated they have no use anymore well now we can say guess what people still use it and its smart way of communicating. Bin Laden used the worlds discard for couriers as an advantage for him to communicate without being caught thats why he was called the greatest mastermind the worlds ever seen. Bin Laden did very bad things in his life but he brought back the value of couriers and made sure that he would use their unappreciated value to good use. This benefited him for the 10 years while he was on the run.  This book has made me think of what a Genius this man was I mean everyone thought this guy was living in a cave in the mountains instead he goes and settles in a mansion and then he uses couriers to communicate with his peers Osama was clearly a very smart person.

In the Bin Laden Search technology such as Phone tracking satellite cameras looking from beyond were used. It just shows how much technology has come where to find someone you can track their phone. You feel like your safe however you dont realize there is cameras everywhere around and anyone can be found no matter how hard they try to hide. Technology will always improve and will be part of future. I feel if as the years go by we will see such incredible things, stuff that we couldnt have thought of.

To get more information I watched a documentary called “The Last Days Osama Bin Laden which gave me more information on his final days. I was able to gain some more knowledge from this as well. It such a great documentary as it had deep insight of him as a person and his final moments. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXbLJbT5G-A