#guess i’ll spend the next 4 years locking myself in my room and listening to only mwd and rock afire explosion showtapes

[funnyfaceflea]

beach bear, aya ishigami……where are you because i just broke down into tears…..my head hurts my eyes sting from tears my nose is runny please i’m so stressed it’s too late into the evening to be stressed dawg

[alpacaparkaseok]

7 Secrets <pt. 4>

GENRE: Soulmate!au BTS!

WARNINGS: none

WORD COUNT: 3274

Part 4 woohoo! I just really love these girls and their friendships with each other. I kind of wanted to spotlight some of their friendships/back story a bit more in this chapter, just to round out the story a bit more. I swear we’re getting to the good stuff. Also, has anybody else noticed that the word count is steadily increasing? Lol you don’t mind, right? Anyways, thanks so so so much for all the love the story has received so far, I was seriously not expecting anybody to even see it haha. So thank you, it means so much! I’ll probably have part 5 up really soon! Enjoy!

By the time morning rolls around, I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. A quick glance at my phone tells me what I need to know: it’s nearly 10:30. I wince at the time, it’s a rare occurrence when I sleep in for this long. However, judging from my jet-lag and my eyes that are still a little red and puffy from my emotional breakdown last night, I’ll let this one slide. Heaven knows I needed some extra rest.

I stretch and put on one of the hoodies I left behind in my closet from last year, glaring at my suitcases that still need to be unpacked. I’ll add that to the to-do list for today.

Brushing my teeth, I inspect myself in the mirror. I already feel lighter, more at ease. It was a good thing to open up last night. All of my worries haven’t been put to rest, but I feel less overwhelmed. Happier, too. Happier than I’ve felt in a while.

As I descend the stairs to the main level I can hear the mixture of voices, Ichika’s voice piercing through the others as she talks about running out of her favorite cereal.

“Wow,” I mumble as I finally enter the kitchen and dining area. “I think this is the first time everybody else is up before me.”

“Did we wake you up?” Seohyun looks guilty, but I shake my head no.

“Just woke up, actually. I can’t believe I slept for so long. Where’s Soon?” I notice that there is one missing.

“In here!” I follow the sound of her voice, leading me to the living room where she sits underneath some blankets on the couch. The TV is on, and I scowl as my heart kicks into high gear.

It must be the boys’ latest interview, I haven’t seen this one yet. I curl up next to Soon silently, and she resumes her focused attention on the TV. While Kyun-soon may not be as outward in her devotion to the boys, Jin in particular, she is always the first to watch the latest interviews and performances. That is, when we don’t watch them together.

“Which one is this?” I whisper, careful to not distract her too much. Her eyes glisten, and I turn to see Jin giggling in the background.

“iHeart radio,” she whispers back.

Eventually everyone wanders in after hearing the boys’ voices drifting in from the living room. Ichika munches loudly on some toast before nearly choking on it when Taehyung comments on something.

“Ugh,” she groans as we laugh at her. Nobody can blame her, it’s happened to the best of us. “That boy is going to be the death of me.”

I try my best to focus on all of the boys, but I can’t help it if my eyes keep drifting back to Namjoon. He sits in the front as per usual, Jimin on his right. He has a pleasant smile on his face, and not for the first time do I wonder what goes on in his head during these interviews. If he thinks that the interviewers questions are as dumb as I do.

A single camera is in the living room. There’s one other in the entire house, in the kitchen. They automatically turn on at certain times of day, the schedule is hanging up on the fridge. I’m rarely in the living room as is, much less when I know the camera is on. A quick glance confirms my suspicions; there’s a little red light on the camera. It’s filming us. Try as I might, I still can’t help but react when Namjoon offers his adorable dimpled smile at the end, thanking the interviewer and ARMY for the interview.

“Thanks for having us!” Namjoon’s voice echoes through the apartment. “We love you ARMY! We can’t wait to see you soon!” He blows a kiss to the camera, then immediately gets embarrassed after.

I get embarrassed too, the red in my cheeks all too noticeable.

“Aw, look at Beth! She’s embarrassed!” Himari pokes my side, and I tug at Soon’s blanket in order to hide my face.

“So cute!” Seohyun giggles from where she stands behind the couch. “You two are just alike. Oh my gosh you’re going to be so awkward around each other, aren’t you.”

I glare up at her, Seohyun chuckling lightly even as her eyes remained glued to the screen. “I’m not embarrassed…”

Aera laughs wickedly. “Not embarrassed? Beth, I’m sorry, but as cool and calm as you try to be, we all know what your weakness is.”

We laugh together, even as the interview ends and something else comes up on the television. It’s mere background noise as I try to deal with the sudden flood of emptiness that overtakes me. No, not today, I tell myself. I feel happy today.

“What’s the plan for today, boss?” Himari asks, taunting me with the nickname I usually use for her.

I yawn, stretching against Soon who doesn’t seem to mind. No doubt her mind is elsewhere at the moment.

“Well, I’ve got an editorial meeting this afternoon for Webtoon,” I sigh, rolling my neck. “Then I’m free for the rest of the day after that. What are you guys going to be up to?”

Everyone goes about talking about their plans. All of us have some form of work, Minsuh and Seohyun are attending university too. I plan on jumping back into school for my master’s soon, but I just can’t decide where to go yet. It would be fun going to school with them, though. It’s hard to decide when I’m constantly traveling, I’ll probably have to settle for online classes.

Minsuh and Seohyun excuse themselves to go to class together, promising to be back before I get back from my meeting. I smile at Seohyun’s backpack, an assortment of pins adorning it. The centerpiece, of course, is a “Trivia: Seesaw” pin.

Kyung-soon yawns, easing herself off the couch. “I’ve got a couple of clients today, so I’ll be out until later. But I bet I’ll be back before you, too. Your meetings last forever.”

I grunt in agreement. They do last forever. Long enough for Soon to show two different clients houses and still finish before me.

“Where are the houses that you’re showing?” Soon is a respected realtor in Seoul, and it’s no secret that she loves her job. She can make any house a home, in my opinion. She certainly has a knack for making people feel at home, myself included. She’s one of the reasons I survived those first few months after I found out about my soulmate.

“Not that far, you know that one night market you got lost in for hours and Himari and I had to come pick you up?” Himari chuckles at the memory even as I wince at the embarrassing moment.

“Yup,” I mumble. “It’s close to there?”

“No,” Soon gives me an evil smile. “I just wanted to embarrass you again.”

I launch myself off the couch after Kyung-soon, caught between yelling and laughing. She’s smart, locking herself in the nearest bathroom where I can’t get to her.

When I return to the living room Aera, Ichika, and Himari are wiping the tears off their faces as they laugh at me.

“That really was embarrassing,” Himari says. “How long were you lost again?”

“Oh, shut up.”

↔

The rest of the morning passes with no further incidents, although I do go about cursing at my luggage as each suitcase seems to have no end in sight. I typically stay for roughly six months at a time here, which is what I’ve planned for. That should put me here over Christmas this year, returning at the tail-end of January. Just in time for tax-season in the states.

It would be a real pity if I missed that, now wouldn’t it? Himari and Ichika sneak into my room to observe the damage, wincing as I tell them that I still have one bag left to go.

“We’ll be back in a bit, but if we aren’t back in time for your meeting, good luck!” Ichika gives me a thumbs up before heading back downstairs. Himari lingers for a moment, assessing the piles of clothes I’m currently trapped between.

“Having fun?”

I give a dry laugh. “You have no idea. Ready for your lesson?” Himari and Ichika work together, tutoring kids in Japanese. They tend to spend the majority of their time here every year, and over the past three years they’ve created quite the reputation. Apparently the two of them are a dynamic duo.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Himari replies. She’s hesitating, that much I can tell. We may have only known each other for three years, but we know each other inside and out. Outlandish circumstances tend to lead to strong bonds.

“What are you wanting to say?”

She laughs at my intuition. “Ah, right. That. It’s just,” she fidgets in my doorway. “Are you doing ok? I saw you and Kyung-soon up on the balcony last night, it looked like you were having quite the conversation.”

I sigh, a little surprised that I didn’t notice when the others came back. I must have been in my own little world last night.

“I’m...better now. I was just overwhelmed, and Soon was able to wring some emotions out of me.”

Himari nods, the concern in her face fading. “Good, I’m glad. You know, Beth, you can talk to me if you need to. I was getting worried over the last little while, it’s been hard not seeing you and having to guess about your emotional state. If you need anything, I’m here.”

I stop folding a shirt, laying it aside as I rise and make my way to Himari. She meets me halfway, enveloping me in a tight hug. Neither one of us talk about our emotions very often, rarely do I feel the need to. But the fact that she’s so willing to listen makes me thank my lucky stars for friends like Himari.

“Thanks, Himi. I’m so lucky to have you, truly.”

“Oh, I know.”

With that Himari leaves me to my unpacking frenzy, leaving me alone in the house with Aera. It doesn’t take long until she’s knocking on my door, her room just down the hall from my own.

“Need any help?”

“Please.”

With the two of us working together we finish much sooner than I had anticipated. Aera makes me laugh, stating that she thought I should have brought more clothes.

“What do you mean more clothes? I’m pretty sure these are all of the clothes I own.”

Aera looks at me in feigned shock. “Are you kidding me? It’s high time I take you shopping. What time is it?”

We check the clock and notice that I only have a couple of hours left before I have to leave for my meeting. Not nearly enough time to go shopping. Especially not in the huge city of Seoul. Instead we settle on my bed, the two of us staring wistfully at my photo of Jeju Island.

“We should go back,” Aera mumbles from beside me. I hum in agreement. “That was such a great weekend.”

“That weekend was the weirdest weekend of my life.” I laugh as Aera smacks my shoulder. “What? It was! Within literally one week I found out I had a soulmate, he was famous and one of my role models in life, and that I had these six other girls in the same situation and I was shipped off to an island for a weekend to ‘bond’ with them. Don’t tell me that’s not weird.”

Aera nods beside me, eyes sparkling as she recalls that weekend. “Yeah, it was weird I guess. I don’t know, I was just so happy that I had six new best friends who would always be linked to me since our soulmates are inextricably linked with each other. I had thought for so long that I would be all alone on this crazy journey. I guess I was just so happy that I wasn’t alone anymore that I didn’t think about the weirdness of it all.”

I forgot about that. Aera was the first soulmate BigHit found. She’s from downtown Seoul, certainly the closest to our boys. Apparently Mr. Bang found her almost six months before he found me. He hadn’t informed her when he found the others, preferring to not get her hopes up until all of us were found and agreed to the terms of agreement he set us.

When I think about those six months Aera went through all alone, not able to tell another soul that she was impossibly linked with Park Jimin, I can’t help but admire her even more for her quiet strength.

“That must have been horrible, not being able to talk to anybody about it.”

Aera only nods, eyes still glued to the photo. “I’m not going to lie, it was. I thought I was going insane most of the time.” She laughs drily at the memory, and I scoot closer to her. “Do you remember what it was like meeting each other? For a second I thought that Mr. Bang had messed up and that we were soulmates!” She shoots me a fond smile.

“You can say that again.”

“Why would I say it again?”

We look at each other blankly before I burst out into laughter. “Oh, sorry! It’s a phrase in English. I guess it doesn’t translate over very well, does it?” We both giggle, the moment seeming so calm. “It’s true, though. What you said. We all just...clicked. It makes me wonder.”

The moment I walked through the doors of the house we were staying at and met my six best friends, the world became a much brighter place. I had arrived later in the day due to meetings, and I had been so nervous. I was cursing myself the whole ride over, calling myself an idiot for agreeing to Mr. Bang’s idea of “bonding” with my soul sisters. It seemed like a ridiculous idea, but the thought of having other people to lean on and talk to was too tempting to pass up.

The second I met the others, I could feel the warmth and love our friendship would bring. It was like, for a split second, I experienced all the emotions we would go through together. The heart-wrenching tears, the nights filled with laughter and silly antics, the worry and adoration for each other. Above all else, I felt the pillar of support that promised to be a constant throughout our friendship.

It was, in a word, overwhelming. Which I’ve noticed has become a common theme over the past few years. Overwhelming, yet exhilarating.

“Wonder about how it will be to meet Namjoon?”

I nod, laughing at how even the mention of my soulmate seems to have me melting. It can be inconvenient at times, especially when I’m in a meeting and somebody brings up the band. It’s pretty hard to play it cool, so instead I’ve learned to just excuse myself to the bathroom whenever that happens. Can’t have anybody thinking that I’ve got a schoolgirl crush on BTS.

“Well, look at it this way.” Aera rolls off of my bed, stretching like a cat. “I’m probably just going to pass out. No questions asked. The second I lock eyes with Park Jimin, I’m going to pass out cold.” I let out a startled laugh as Aera feigns seriousness. “So, as long as you don’t pass out, you should be good. I’ll take up all the embarrassment, there won’t even be enough left for you. Which is good, I think. Because if it was that intense just meeting you guys, and we’re not even directly connected, then I can only imagine how intense it’s going to be with those weirdos.”

With that little speech, Aera flicks a strand of long brown hair over her shoulder and marches out of my room, leaving me dumbstruck.

“Um, Aera?” I call after her, heading toward the bathroom to finally get ready for my meeting.

“Yeah?”

“I really hope I get that on video.”

“What, me passing out in front of Jimin?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh-ho, you’ll regret it if you do. Better watch it, little girl.”

↔

It’s been so long since I’ve been in Seoul that I decide to leave nearly an hour early for my meeting, taking the option of the bus over car. Aera didn’t mind, she was leaving anyways. She was off to a high-end boutique she had just pitched some designs to. She was obviously nervous, but I had no doubt the boutique would gladly welcome her ideas. Aera was an up and coming designer, she had even recently designed a dress that was worn overseas at a film premier.

I was on the bus for just shy of an hour as it made its way across Seoul. I didn’t mind one bit, it allowed me some extra time to simply reconnect with the city and map it out in my head. It was something I often did, in order to prevent future mishaps...like getting lost at a certain night market for hours on end.

I was so lost in my mental map-making that I almost didn’t notice the bus’s approach to the Webtoon office building. Scrambling off the bus, I made my way to my first meeting.

Everything went pretty much according to schedule. I was able to review the panels that my illustrators had prepared for the upcoming season of my book-converted-toon “Young Rising”.

It was all too easy to dive into the work that awaited me there, happy to back among my friend and editor. He was the same prestigious editor who had been there that day Mr. Bang came to visit me. I have no idea what Mr. Bang told him, but my editor never asked me any questions about it.

Apparently it was so nice to be back that I didn’t even notice the time until the sun had set. I glared at the clock on the wall in the drawing room, claiming that it was already well after 9 pm. Add a bus ride onto that, and I won’t be home until nearly 11. I pulled out my phone to text the girls only to find a flurry of texts already waiting for me.

7:32 Himari loml: Don’t tell me you’ve decided to go back to the states already, you just barely unpacked.

8:01 Himari loml: Wow, did you miss work that much? More than me?

8:17 Aera 💛: Are you staying late tonight? Let me know.

9:08 Kyung-soon☺️: I swear if you’re lost at another night market, I’m not coming to get you.

9:28 Kyung-soon☺️: I’M KIDDING I SWEAR TELL ME IF YOU’RE LOST I’LL COME GET YOU

9:32 Ichi: Beth I drew you a picture while I was in class, come home so I can give it to you.

9:38 Himari loml: Ok

9:38 Himari loml: We’ve got a situation here

9:39 Himari loml: Seriously, come home ASAP

9:41 Himari loml: Minsuh is on her way to the office rn. Let me know when you get this.

What started out making me roll my eyes suddenly comes to a halt as I keep scrolling through my notifications. It’s only when I return Himari’s text, letting her know that I’m fine, that I notice the missed call from 9:35.

Missed call: Bang PD 😟

Previous - Next

taglist: @mae-musicbitch

[damnusillygoose]

Jerza fanfiction(fluff)

title: Periods

summary: Erza and Jellal spend an evening together in bed discussing the marvels of a female body aka periods!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13787058/1/Periods

Disclaimer: These characters are owned by Hiro Mashima.

PERIODS

‘You okay, cupcake?’

‘yep’

‘Okay, there you go’, Jellal stepped in her bedroom completely and handled over the sweets she requested him to buy.

‘Thank you! ’Erza squealed, like a baby, at the sight of her favorite strawberry sponge cake.

‘I am sorry though, we had to cancel our date abruptly. I swear I don’t get cramps on my periods usually, I- ‘

‘it’s okay Erza. You really don’t have to apologize for that. I don’t mind staying in bed and snuggling with you. Its cold outside anyways.’

‘You are so sweet’, Erza replied bashfully and sincerely smiled at him. She proceeded to divert her attention towards the package in her hand, eyeing it ravenously. Jellal chuckled at her excitement and went to the kitchen counter to fetch her a plate and a fork.

‘There’, he said as he handed her the supplies and lifted the warm quilt to make some room for himself, settling beside her.

‘ah, Erza! Your feet are so cold!’, he exclaimed when she deliberately touched her cold feet with his warm ones.

‘Mhm, you really are warm Jellal’, she snorted unapologetically, tucking herself cheekily to his side.

‘How’s the pain?’, he asked curiously.

‘its fine now. Most of it has subdued. Just a slight pain remains in my lower back.’

‘Are period cramps always this hurtful? I remember seeing Meredy cry from them. She couldn’t get up for 3 days at least.  It was painful to watch her like that.’

‘Mhm, That’s pretty subjective actually. Some women have it worse. Some don’t. I, for example, don’t experience much pain except for my lower back. And sometimes in my lower abdomen as well. However, their occurrence is extremely intermittent.’

‘I see. If I remember correctly, Ultear didn’t experience much pain during her periods as well, she was mostly fine.’

Erza looked at him intently. Reminiscing about Ultear was a sensitive topic for him and Meredy. She knew he missed his friend, whom he spent seven years with, even if he wasn’t vocal about that. Ultear and Meredy were like his support unit in those years when she was absent. Erza would be eternally grateful to Ultear for that. However, she was pleased to know that Jellal felt comfortable enough to talk about Ultear in her presence.

‘She sure was a strong woman’, Erza remarked.

‘Indeed, she was.’ Jellal responded with a sad smile as he nuzzled his nose against her crown. ‘Though I am ashamed, I must admit.’

‘Why?’, she inquired as her eyebrows knitted themselves into a slight frown.

‘I am ashamed of the fact that I may have spent seven years in the accompany of two women, my knowledge regarding periods is extremely limited. Would… you tell me about it in detail, I mean I do have an idea about its mechanism but I just want to be sure, if you are okay with it?’, Jellal asked tentatively.

Erza was taken back from his proposition. She never expected him to ask her regarding periods. She was of the notion that boys generally strayed away from this topic altogether. Ah, but Jellal wasn’t exactly a boy, right? He was a man. A mature man. Who knew how to treat a woman with chivalry.

‘I don’t have a problem in telling you about periods but I am curious. Why do you want to know about them all of a sudden?’

‘So, I can treat you even better, I guess? I heard woman want to cuddle and eat chocolates during this time of the month. If you yearn for sweets, I’ll be happy to bring you some. If you experience cramps, I’ll help you apply some heat pads. Or bring you tampons if you run out of them. I mean… I just want to take care of you’, he replied timidly with a light blush on his face. She was his queen after all and he was determined to treat her like one.

Can this guy get any better? She pondered. She definitely found herself a keeper, she mused as her heart swelled with love. She leaned forward and gave him a passionate kiss exhibiting her gratefulness, cupping his face in her hands tenderly.

‘Alright but may I ask if you have any previous knowledge about periods?’, Erza asked, brimming with absolute affection for her beau.

‘mhmm, all I know is periods are painful for women.’, he answered as he curled the end of her scarlet locks within his fingers reverently.

‘uh-huh’

‘They occur once a month and are necessary for pregnancy. Women get cravings and want cuddles during this time, I guess?’

‘Well, who wouldn’t want snuggles when someone like you is offering them?’, Erza smirked as she laced her hand with his.

‘I’ll provide you all the snuggles you want’, he whispered, inclining towards her to gently touch his forehead with hers.

‘You’re so sappy’, She grinned.

She leaned back and thought pensively for a moment. She adjusted her peach-colored quilt ,adorned with some floral patterns ,around herself before replying, ‘You are correct actually, let me elaborate further.’

‘Please do’

‘Well, Every…. woman, basically experiences periods every month or every 21-35 days. Okay?’

‘Okay’

‘Woman have two ovaries and one of them releases an egg every month and this process is called ovulation.’ She explained slowly so that her words would imbibe in his mind easily. ‘Now listen closely. The uterus, in its preparation for pregnancy, forms a thickened lining, where the fertilized egg would further develop into a baby.’

‘that would be a womb, right?’, he asked.

‘Yes. That’s the womb.’ She continued, ‘When the egg fails to fertilize with sperm, the entire lining sheds, accompanied by bleeding, mucus, blood clots, etc., causing a period. That’s how this process would revolve in a female body.’

Jellal listened each of her word keenly. ‘I have a question’

‘Go ahead’

‘How long do they exactly last?’

‘Varies, it can range between 3-8 days for a normal healthy woman’

‘What about you?’

‘mhm, 4 days, I guess. 5 maximum,’

‘Do they occur at the same time in each month?’

‘No. They occur around the same date they happened during last month. They can occur a day or two before their previous date or a few days after. Timing can differ slightly.’

‘I see’

There was an imperturbable silence that followed. Neither of them spoke a word for a while as they snuggled next to each other under the warm quilt. The rain pellets that fell against her bedroom window roused her from her thoughts. Her eyes searched his. He appeared completely inscrutable. Did she creep him out with her meticulous narration?

‘Do you find it gross?’, she asked quietly.

‘What? No. Why would you say that?’

‘So, you don’t find periods gross?’

‘No. Why would someone find it gross in the first place?’

‘I heard some guys do’

‘Well, I don’t.’ he smiled in a reassuring manner. ‘You women basically harbor the ability to nurture a new life within yourself and bring them into this world, I think that’s beautiful.’

She paused for a moment to take his words in.

‘You know, women are exceptionally horny during this time, if you continue to spill such sweet words, I’ll have to jump upon you myself’

Jellal erupted into a hearty laugh as he swung his arm around her shoulders to bring her closer to his chest. He placed his chin carefully upon her fussy head and nuzzled his nose in her soft scarlet tresses. ‘I won’t mind if you do’, he whispered softly.

 A/N: I apologize if anyone from the readers found this unsettling but I think every healthy couple should have an open communication with each other and talking about periods shouldn’t be considered a taboo. Also, Jellal is a total gentleman which is thoroughly depicted in the manga. Do you want me to make a part 2 version of it? Constructive criticism is appreciated. Thank you for reading!

[tomhiddlestonfanfic]

A Step Too Far? Chapter Nine A Moon of My Own

Ch. 1 - Ch. 2 - Ch. 3 - Ch. 4 - Ch. 5 - Ch. 6 - Ch. 7 - Ch. 8 - Ch. 9 - Ch. 10 - Ch. 11

TITLE: A Step Too Far? NUMBER OF CHAPTERS/ONE SHOT: 9/? WHICH TOM CHARACTER: Stepfather Tom OTHER CHARACTERS: Benedict Cumberbatch, Andrew Scott PAIRING: Tom/OFC, Benedict Cumberbatch/OFC GENRE: Drama, Hurt/Comfort WARNINGS: Spanking, Infidelity, Sex

CHAPTER NINE A Moon of My Own

Nina spent the weekend at home, bonding with baby William. She sang swedish songs to him and found that Tom was listening intently, trying to understand the lyrics. She ended up translating for him and teaching him swedish nursery rhymes and pop songs.

"I want a moon of my own, that I can go to, and forget that you left me. I can sit on my moon, and do whatever I want, I'll stay there until everything's alright," Nina translated one of her mother's favourite songs for Tom.

"Thank you for translating," Tom told her with a warm smile.

"No problem," Nina replied and continued to sing for her baby brother. "Jag är fattig bonddräng men jag lever ändå…"

"What was that song about?" Tom asked curiously from the sofa where he was laying down and watching her interactions with the baby.

"It's about a poor farmer boy who works hard everyday," Nina explained. "He gets drunk on Saturdays, gets into fights and sleeps with women. On Sundays he sleeps instead of going to church. Then the work week begins again. Eventually he dies and stands before God, regretful of his sins. But God forgives him and welcomes him into heaven."

"Is that really a children's song?" Tom questioned amusedly.

"The farm boy sings it in 'Emil i Lönneberga', so it’s sort of a children's song, I guess. Or maybe it's meant for the grown ups watching with their children," Nina replied. "It's written by Astrid Lindgren, so it’s for everyone."

"I see. I appreciate the existential theme," Tom told her.

"Me too," Nina agreed and smiled at him. She realised that she enjoyed spending time in his company. Things had become different between them ever since they started working together. She felt like she knew him a bit better now, and ever since he became a father, she had seen a more sensitive side of him. He had expressed his worry for her in more tactful ways and they hadn't been arguing as much as they used to do.

“You’ve spent most weekends at home lately, is something up?” Nina’s mother asked her during dinner.

“I’ve just been tired from work, so I haven’t really felt like doing anything on the weekends,” Nina replied with a shrug.

“Perhaps you should work fewer hours if work is making you so tired,” Helena suggested, looking a bit concerned as she gently caressed her daughter’s cheek. “She could do that, right Tom?”

“I’ve already offered that,” Tom replied, also assuming a look of concern as he looked at Nina. “The offer still stands.”

“No thanks, I’m good,” Nina insisted.

“But you don’t seem to have any energy left for your friends,” Helena objected.

“Isn’t that what life is like as a grown up? All work, no play, and then you die?” Nina questioned gloomily.

“Nina, are you getting depressed again? Are you taking your medications?” Helena asked concernedly.

Nina sighed heavily in response. “I can’t recall ever becoming undepressed,” she muttered and got up from the dinner table, grabbing her plate and glass. “Thanks for the food.”

“You’re welcome,” Tom replied as she left the dining room.

Nina threw away the rest of the food and placed the dishes in the dishwasher before heading to the fridge, grabbing another one of her precious energy drinks. At least they presented her with some joy in her quite lonely life. She would occassionally call Jim over for sex, but other than that, she spent most of her time alone. Nina’s loneliness had been a source of concern for her mother for many years. It had even gotten to the point that Nina sometimes went out for hour long walks, telling her mother that she was seeing a friend. She had done that a lot during the summer, taking a book with her to sit and read by the sea. Her favourite book was one that Tom had gifted her for her nineteenth birthday. It was called The Stranger and was about the absurdity of life and the feeling of alienation. Nina felt alienated a lot of the time, as though she did not belong anywhere in this world.

During the evening, Tom came by her room to check on her.

“Can I come in?” he requested and Nina nodded at him as she sat up in her bed, putting her laptop aside. “We worry about you.”

“There’s nothing to worry about,” Nina told him, pulling her knees up to her chest, hugging them.

“You seem... lonely,” Tom said carefully.

“I need to be alone a lot,” Nina told him. “Being around people takes a lot of energy.”

“Then maybe you should work shorter hours, so you have energy to do fun things with friends and not only work,” Tom suggested. Nina snorted in response.

“What friends?” she asked.

“How about the one you spent a lot of time with this summer? Viktoria?” Tom said.

“Viktoria is not real,” Nina admitted.

“What?” Tom asked confusedly.

“I made her up so mom wouldn’t worry so much about me being alone,” she explained.

“But you were away for hours at a time, sometimes all day and sometimes all night,” Tom said frowningly.

“Yeah, it was kind of fun actually, how you never figured it out when you never got to meet her,” Nina told him with a sad smile. “It’s kind of pathetic, isn’t it? Making up imaginary friends when you’re twenty? And still living with your mother because you’re too afraid of what you would do to yourself if you had to live alone?” she confided in him.

“It’s not pathetic,” Tom said earnestly and put an arm around her shoulders. “I had no idea you were feeling that way. I thought you lived with your mom because you were comfortable that way, not because you were afraid to live alone.”

“Please don’t tell mom about this. I’ve told her that Viktoria moved to Stockholm, so please don’t tell her that she never even existed. She was so happy when she thought I had a best friend,” Nina pleaded.

“I won’t tell her. But I think you need to see someone about this. Didn’t you have a psychologist?” Tom asked.

“It didn’t work out between us, so I stopped going,” Nina reminded him.

“Right,” Tom remembered. “How about finding you a new one. I’ll be more than happy to pay for it.”

“You don’t have to pay for it,” Nina told him. “You gave me a job, remember? I can pay for therapy myself now. Especially as I’m living here for free.”

“I want you to save your money for the future or use them to have fun. I’m paying for your therapy,” Tom insisted.

“I never even agreed that I would go see a therapist,” Nina said.

“Please, see a therapist. It would give your mother and I some peace of mind to know that you have someone to talk to about those things,” Tom pleaded.

“I'll think about it,” Nina told him.

“Thank you,” Tom said with an appreciative smile.

The weekend passed and it was soon Monday again. Nina looked up to see Benedict standing by her desk. He didn’t look pleased. He was probably still upset by the fact that she had spied on him and his family.

“I would like to have a word with you in my office, miss Andersson,” he requested calmly, seemingly holding back on his anger. Nina looked up at him defiantly.

“How about no?” she told him irritably. She didn’t want to be alone with him, because she would probably end up almost having sex with him.

“No?” he questioned incredulously and leaned down over the desk, so that their faces were just decimetres away from each other. She could feel the smell of his cologne and felt an involuntary thrill of excitement run through her body as she looked him in his darkened eyes. “My office now,” he told her firmly in a low voice.

“Fine,” Nina finally agreed, afraid that Benedict would make a scene otherwise. He looked like he could barely contain his anger. She glanced over her shoulder at her colleagues as she followed him to his office. They all seemed busy doing their jobs, not taking notice of what was going on between her and Benedict. She felt relieved. It would be embarrassing if they thought she made major work related mistakes that would have one of her bosses get angry with her. While she had made a major mistake, at least it was not work related.

Benedict shut the curtain and locked the door, just like he had done preceding week. Nina swallowed nervously. Was he going to beat her again? She knew she would agree to it, even if she wished she would have had the integrity and self-respect to tell him no.

"What the hell were you thinking sneaking around my house?" he demanded angrily. "What if Sophie had seen you?"

"Then you would probably be able to come up with a good lie to explain my presence. Because it comes naturally to you, doesn't it? Lying," Nina told him bitterly.

"I hate lying to my wife," Benedict told her. "I already told you that."

"Then don't give yourself any reasons to lie," she replied.

He approached her angrily and Nina found herself slapping him hard across the face. He looked at her in astonishment for a brief moment, then grabbed her by the arm dragging her with him towards the desk. Nina felt herself grow moist between the legs and a tingling sensation in her lower abdomen as he bent her over the desk. She shut her eyes tightly as he pressed her face down against the desk surface and she bit her lip hard as she braced herself for the pain to come. Benedict slapped her bottom hard with his hand several times, before undoing his belt. This time, he waited between the lashes for Nina to recover before landing the next one across her buttocks. Nina whimpered slightly as she neared her limit and he stopped hitting her with the belt. He roughly grabbed her ass, squeezing it with his hands before rolling up her tight pencil skirt over her hips. Nina gasped as he unexpectedly ripped her tights open in the groin and put his hand between her thighs.

“You naughty girl,” he told her as he felt how wet she was. He touched her, moved the thong to the side and entered her with two fingers at a time. He fingerfucked her until he felt her convulse around him, she was shuddering with pleasure and panting heavily. “Did you come?” he asked smirkingly as she stood up and turned around towards him. She put her arms around his neck and brought him into a kiss. They made out and she began to feel horny again. She touched his erect penis through his trousers and stroked it eagerly.

“Fuck me,” she whispered lustfully into his ear. She didn’t need to ask twice. Benedict lifted her up on the desk, undid his black trousers and released his erect penis. Nina smiled satisfiedly at the sight of it before it entered her. “Fuck me hard,” she requested, and he did. She had to bite her lip hard to suppress a loud moan as he fucked her quickly. She orgasmed again and he pulled out of her.

“On your knees,” he ordered, his voice demanding and his eyes darkened with lust. Nina fell to her knees before him and viciously smiled up at him. “Open your mouth,” he said and she quickly obeyed. She felt like a porn star as he ejaculated into her mouth. “Swallow,” Benedict said, but she grimaced in disgust and shook her head at him as she got up to spit out his cum into his coffee cup.

“Oh, you naughty girl,” Benedict commented with a grin as he watched her trying to make herself look presentable.

“How’s my makeup?” she asked him and he looked at her closely before running his thumbs underneath her eyes, wiping away some mascara.

“Did you cry?” he asked her surprisedly as he continued to gently wipe mascara from her cheeks.

“A little bit,” Nina admitted with a shrug and managed to smile at him. The guilt had overwhelmed her the moment she orgasmed for the second time.

“Your makeup probably needs some touch ups, but it looks fine,” Benedict told her as he pulled out his wallet from his pocket. He took out a thousand krona bill and handed it to her. “For a morning-after pill,” he explained as she looked at him confusedly. “I think I might have come a little bit inside of you.”

“You’re making me feel like a cheap whore,” Nina muttered, but accepted the money. Benedict pulled out a couple of more bills from his wallet and tried giving them to her. “No thanks,” she told him and refused to take the money.

“Do you promise you will take a morning-after pill?” he asked her as she turned to leave.

“Of course, I don’t want a child with someone like you,” Nina told him irritably.

“Don’t forget to take the coffee cup with you,” Benedict reminded her with a smirk. Nina angrily went back towards his desk and grabbed the coffee cup, before stalking out of his office. What the hell had she just done?

Nina went into the kitchen and angrily threw the coffee cup into the trash. She then proceeded to kick the trash can until a familiar voice interrupted her.

“Did mister Cumberbatch yell at you again?” Stina asked concernedly.

“He did,” Nina replied, her eyes filling up with tears. Stina went up to her and hugged her.

“I’m sorry that he’s being such an ass to you,” Stina told her sympathetically. “If you want to talk about it, I’m all ears.”

“Thank you, Stina,” Nina told her appreciatively and tightened the hug. They stood like that for a long moment until another colleague entered the kitchen.

“Nina, what’s the company’s policy on workplace relationships?” Erik asked her provocatively. He must have somehow heard about their date.

“It’s fine, as long as you’re keeping it professional at work,” Nina told him as she stepped away from Stina.

“That didn’t look very professional to me,” Erik told her.

“It was just a hug, Erik,” Stina told him and smiled carefreely at him. “I can give you one too, if you like,” she offered cheerfully. “You look like you could use one.”

“No thanks,” Erik said with a grimace and hurriedly left the kitchen.

Nina and Stina shared amused looks before heading back to work.

Nina felt weighed down by guilt for what she had done, but somehow managed to get through the workday. Benedict cheerfully told her goodbye before heading homewards and she replied with an exaggeratedly gleeful ‘see you tomorrow!’ Her smile faded the moment he turned away from her and was replaced by a dark glare.

“What are you glaring at Ben for?” Andrew asked her curiously and she flinched. She hadn’t noticed him standing there a few metres away, watching her interaction with Benedict. “Did something happen?”

“He yelled at me,” Nina said and noticed Stina looking at them from a distance. She couldn’t exactly tell Andrew the truth, now could she? She felt like she wanted to come clean to someone about it, but didn’t know who.

“What for?” Andrew asked and Nina searched her mind for some error she could have made that would make Benedict yell at her.

“I misspelled his name in an important mail,” she lied. “I wrote Cucumberbatch and he found it humiliating.” She couldn’t help but smile at her own lie. Andrew returned her smile.

“I see,” he said amusedly. “I could talk to him about treating you more gently, if you like,” he offered, but Nina shook her head at him in response.

“I’m fine. Now that it’s over, I do find it kind of funny,” she assured him with a genuinely bright smile. She wanted so badly to believe her own lie. How great it would have been if only it had been true.

But it wasn’t true. On the way home, Tom put on her mother’s favourite song about wanting a moon of your own to go to and stay there until everything was alright again. Nina’s filled with tears as she thought about how she just wanted to escape somewhere far away from everything. She wanted a moon of her own to go to.

“Are you alright?” Tom asked her concernedly.

“Yes, I was just thinking about Ted,” Nina told him.

“Ted Gärdestad? Who sings the song?” Tom asked her.

“Yeah. I was thinking about how beautifully he sang and how sadly he died. He killed himself,” Nina told him sadly.

“That’s very tragic,” Tom replied seriously and threw her concerned looks for the rest of the car ride home.

“I’m going for a walk,” Nina informed her mother and Tom after taking a shower and getting dressed into a pair of jeans and a David Bowie t-shirt.

“But dinner is almost ready,” her mother objected.

“I’ll eat when I get back,” Nina assured her and put her shoes and jacket on. Tom took out the trash bags out of the kitchen bins and put on a pair of slippers, following her out.

“Nina,” he said as they reached the bins outside the house. She turned around to look at him. He had a concerned look on his face. “You’re not thinking about doing something rash, are you?” he asked her seriously. Nina frowned slightly and then remembered their conversation in the car earlier.

“I’m not thinking of killing myself, if that’s what you’re talking about,” she told him frankly.

“Good,” Tom replied with a brief smile. His blue eyes still conveyed concern. “Don’t be too long or we’ll get worried.”

“I’m twenty years old,” Nina reminded him. “Not a kid, I can look after myself.”

“I know. But I still want you to be careful and not stay out too long,” Tom insisted. “Remember that you have work tomorrow.”

“I know. See you in a bit,” Nina told him.

Nina just kept walking as she listened to music and tried not to think too much about what was weighing her down. Eventually, she sat down by a lake and looked at the full moon in the sky. Its light was mirrored by the water surface of the lake and she found it breathtakingly beautiful. She turned off the music on her phone and sang softly to herself where she sat on the rocks. She sang the song about the moon as tears rolled down her face. She imagined what Ted must have felt like during his last moments of life and was filled by death agony. She put her phone and headphones down on the rocks before standing up. She looked at the water surface and dived into the cold water with her clothes on. As she reached the surface, Nina gasped at how cold it was and swam back up to the rocks where she climbed up and grabbed her phone.

She was shuddering with cold as she walked back home in soaking wet clothes. As she got inside, Tom came to greet her in the hallway and looked at her in shock.

“What happened?” he asked frowningly.

“I fell,” Nina lied.

“Should I put your phone in a bag of rice?” he offered.

“The phone is fine,” Nina told him. Tom looked at her suspiciously.

“You didn’t fall, did you?” he asked frankly. Nina shrugged at him. “I asked you not to do anything rash.”

“It wasn’t rash, I spared my phone and headphones,” Nina objected.

“Your lips are blue. Come, let’s go down to the basement so your mother doesn’t see you like this,” Tom told her, putting a gentle arm around her shoulder as he walked her down to the basement. “Clothes off and step in the shower, I’ll get you some dry clothes,” he instructed and respectfully turned away as Nina immodestly began to take her clothes off in front of him. She wasn’t trying to seduce him or anything, she was just too cold to care if he saw her naked body.

Nina took a hot shower and smiled sadly to herself as she found a towel and clothes laid out for her. Tom was always being so nice and gentle towards her. For once she felt grateful that he was a little bit boring and not more like Benedict. She realised that she would never be able to live with the guilt if she managed to get Tom to be unfaithful to her mother. She got dressed and went upstairs to find Tom on the sofa in the living room. She walked up to him and smiled.

“Thank you for being so boring,” she told him, causing him to laugh surprisedly.

“I don’t think I’m that boring,” he objected as she sat down in the armchair next to the sofa.

“You’re just the right amount of boring,” Nina said. “I mean it as a compliment.”

“Thanks, I guess,” Tom told her amusedly. “You seem a bit happier now.”

“I am,” Nina told him with a smile.

[terrm9]

CHAPTER 4 - The Talk

Ethan woke up from yet another nightmare, cold sweat sending shivers down his spine. Ever since Chiara's accident, the nightmares kept creeping back into his sleep, making it almost impossible to actually rest. It was 5 AM but since he knew he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep, he decided to workout a little bit in hospital's gym and use gym's shower while he was at it. He missed the comfort of his own apartment, but couldn't stand the idea of going home with no one watching over Chiara here at the hospital. So he kept sleeping in his office, using gym's shower and eating whatever a vending machine had to offer at the moment. He let out a humorless laugh when he remembered Naveen's olden words that Ethan would move into the hospital one day. This situation was not what he had in mind back then.

After running on a treadmill for 40 minutes, trying to run away from the fear that consumed every cell of his body, fear that he would never hear Chiara's laugh again, refreshing shower and short conversation with an old lady that couldn't find Cardiology, he walked in into the diagnostic office, June and Baz already inside, going through a file together.

"What do we have there?" Ethan asked as he put some other files on the desk.

"Woman, 60 years old, sharp chest pain, fever, troubles when swallowing. She was admitted an hour ago."

"Pericartidis?" Ethan asked without even sitting down to go through the file.

"No, the ultrasound already ruled that one out. I already ordered blood test," June replied, trying to sound neutral, but the tension between her and Ethan was still obvious, leaving Baz in rather uncomfortable position.

"Okay, I'll go talk to her," Ethan nodded and left the office.

He didn't mind talking to his patients, quite opposite, but he knew Chiara was much better at it and that it would be her talking to the patient now, if only she was there. He entered the patient's room still deep in his thoughts and without thinking about it twice - he did it all the time after all - greeted the woman lying on the bed without even looking at her.

"Hello, I am Dr. Ramsey and I'll be taking care of you while you are here, Mrs.-"

He stopped abruptly, frowning at the name written on the chart. He had to blink several times to make sure that he is reading it right, that his sleep-deprived mind is not playing tricks on him and only then he looked at the woman lying in front of him. His eyes widened at the realization, the absurdity of situation getting down on him. He was shocked and surprised and so full of anger at the same time, but finally he found his ability to stay calm and distant and with the flat voice, he simply asked: "What are you doing here?"

"I was admitted with chest pain and fever."

"That much I know. I am asking what are you doing here, in Edenbrook of all the places? There are plenty of hospitals that would treat you."

"Ethan please. We need to talk."

"No we don't."

"Ethan, listen to me-"

"I said no."

Ethan tried his hardest to stay calm, to be the doctor and nothing but the doctor, but the anger built in his body was suddenly stronger than any other feeling and he felt himself losing it all. The next second, he was almost shouting.

"How dare you to use his name? My name? You left us 26 years ago and now you are telling me that I need to listen to you? I've seen my father crying himself to sleep for months, because he couldn't imagine his life without you. And then, after I made sure that he was asleep and safe, I cried myself to sleep because I has no idea what did I do wrong for you to leave us. You left your child, you left a little boy without any sort of explanation. I always tried so hard to be a good son, I worked hard at school, I cooked with dad and helped you garden, I never asked for much and still you decided that I wasn't good enough for you to stick with me and left like a coward! Dad might have forgiven you, but I never will. I was a child. A child! I needed a home, I needed love and security and all I ever got was wrecked father and feelings of self-hatred. Because no matter how hard I tried, my own mother left me without goodbye. I never trust anyone, because how could I? I push people away before they can push me away. I am not able to love someone because you made me feel like love didn't exist."

"Ethan, please-" 

"Don't please me here. I don't give a single damn about what you have to say. For 25 years I felt unworthy of love, I felt like a failure, I felt like everyone will leave me eventually. And when finally someone comes and for the first time in all those years makes me feel like I might be worth of their love, I am not able to love them back because I fucking forgot what love felt like. And now she could die any second-"

He stopped, realizing at his outburst wasn't leading to some point, ashamed of himself for even letting the emotions out. He could do better. They stared at each other for a long time, neither of them breaking the silence that filled the room. He tried to see some familiarity in her eyes, he tried to remember the best memory from his childhood that could maybe, just maybe make everything feel a little bit better, but all he could recall was the pain in his father's eyes and the empty feeling in his chest.

"I am sorry, Ethan. I am truly and honestly sorry." Mrs. Ramsey broke the silence after all.

"Save it for someone who cares. I'll get you another doctor."

Without any other word, he left the room. He felt the need to punch something rise in him, the need so strong that he locked the door of the nearest supply closet and smashed the wall so hard that some of the plastering fell off. And then again and again, Ethan kept hitting the wall with intensity that could cause serious injuries if it was a person instead of a wall. His knuckles started to bleed and it was enough for him to calm his own breathing, collect himself and get out of the tiny space.

On his way to office, he decided to invite Naveen over for dinner, the strong urge to finally share his feelings with someone supporting the decision. Just as he found Naveen's name on contact list and was about to dial, he spotted group of interns chatting near the nurses' station, the last sentence catching his attention.

"You think they'll make another competetion for interns to get the spot when she dies?"

He stopped in his tracks and with gritted teeth listened what they had to say next.

"I don't know," the tall, blonde guy shrugged, "but I am definitely not willing to sleep with Ramsey to win."

"What do you mean?"

"Well it's pretty obvious, isn't it? Everyone knows that Ray fucked Ramsey to get the spot in diagnostics team. She is average doctor, at best, so I guess she must be outstanding in bed."

Ethan's fists clenched at his side and without thinking, he moved forward to throw a fist into the asshole's face. However, before actually moving, he was stopped once again, staring wide eyed at the scene unfolding in front of him. Dr. Varma, apparently hearing the conversation too, stepped in front of the blonde intern and with blades in her eyes, she asked: "What did you say?"

"I...ugh... nothing! What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, asshole. At least stand up for what you said."

Ethan could see that the boy was shocked and maybe even embarassed, but after few seconds he grinned and repeated what he said earlier. "So you're saying that it's not true? That Dr. Ray slept with Dr. Ramsey to get the spot?"

"What I am saying is," she hissed through gritted teeth, "if I ever hear you talking about Dr. Ray this way, I will personally fuck whomever it takes to have you kicked out of this hospital. Even if it's Banerji himself."

Despite feeling so much anger, Ethan had to chuckle at the idea of Naveen being seduced by woman that charming and that scary. Heck, looking at the scene, even he was terrified of the young doctor. Jackie turned on her high heels and started to walk away when she noticed Ethan staring at her. She grinned, waved at him and disappeard in the patient's room.

~

Being in his own apartment didn't bring him half as much comfort as he thought it would. He enjoyed cooking in his own kitchen, using his own shower, listening to piano compound rolling peacefully from his phonograph, filling the whole apartment with soft tunes. The evening could be perfect if not for his frequent need to check his phone in case something changed with Chiara. Exactly at 7 PM, soft knock on his door interrupted him while setting the table.

"Naveen, hi. Thank you for coming."

Dr. Banerji smiled softly as he entered the apartment, handing a bottle of red wine to Ethan.

"I am glad to be here. I missed talking to you."

Ethan couldn't help but feel slightly ashamed at Naveen's word, realizing very well that for the past few weeks, he didn't do much to preserve their friendship.

"I'm just surprised you are not spending another night in the hospital," Naveen added.

"You've noticed."

"Of course I have. So, what made you change your mind?"

"Rafael Aveiro is back in Boston for three days and he asked me if he could stay with Chiara tonight. It puts my mind in ease knowing that someone is by her side."

There was no point in lying. Naveen could see through Ethan and he would know he was not telling the truth. They sat down and started to eat in silence, Ethan forcing himself to take at least few bites of the food he made.

"I am sorry for being so distant Naveen," Ethan broke the silence with statement, trying to put all the sincerity into his words.

"Oh, don't worry about that. I understand that life is hard on you right now. I heard from Dr. Hirata that your mother is in hospital?"

With a long sigh, Ethan put the fork down, knowing that he's done with eating. After short hesitation, he nodded and told Naveen everything, from being angry at June for wanting to replace Chiara to meeting his mother and spilling his heart to her before he could stop.

"It seems to me, Ethan, and don't get angry now, that you haven't made your peace with the situation at all."

"Which situation?"

"Your mother leaving. Your mother reaching back. Neither of them."

There was a long silence as Ethan let Naveen's work sink in. When he spoke again, his voice was almost whisper.

"I can't make my peace. She ruined me."

"You are not ruined, Ethan."

"Oh but I am. I push people away because I am scared of them leaving. I despise love, because I am scared of feeling something so transient, so conditional. It all happened because of her and it keeps ruining my life, now more than ever."

"I take it you are not talking solely about your mother now?"

Ethan looked at his mentor, not knowing what to do. Telling him the truth about Chiara would mean confessing that there is the truth to reveal in the first place. That there are feelings he is trying to hide even from himself. And what if Naveen would judge him for falling for his intern, his protége? But again, Naveen observed and analyzed people all his life, he probably knew already.

"It's Chiara. I care for the woman so much it hurts me physically sometimes. She is not only brilliant doctor, she is such extraordinary person I just keep wondering how does one like her even exist. And I know I am hurting her by pushing her away, but it's the only right way."

Naveen was smiling knowingly at Ethan and at the same time, his heart was breaking at the sight in front of him.

"And what makes you think so?"

"Because I am not able to love, Naveen and she deserves someone who will love her. And even if she thinks she loves me, the moment one of her conditions for loving me abolish, she'll stop feeling that way."

"You keep avoiding unconditional love like a plague, but it actually exists, Ethan. Listen to me now and listen very carefully. Chiara always stuck with you, even when you were very persistent in pushing her away. When she found out about my illness and kept it hidden from her friends even though they share everything. That's love. When she spent her free time with you, trying to diagnose me, with you being, well, an asshole. That's love. When you left the hospital and shut yourself off at the times she needed you most and she still found her way to talk to you and make sure you're okay. That's love. When she found the cure for me, but didn't tell you until she was absolutely sure, because she wanted to save you a heartbreak in case she wasn't right? When you accepted your position in Edenbrook back without ever telling her and she was happy for you? When you left to Brazil and didn't talk to her for two months even though you knew it hurt her? Oh, my boy, even if she had any conditions for loving you, you made sure to ruin every single one of them and still, she did never hesitate to show you she cares. What conditions for loving her do you have? Being a brilliant doctor? Showing her affection? Pushing you to be better? All the things she did until the accident? Because right now, she offers you none of those things and yet, look at yourself, sleeping in the hospital every night to make sure she is okay. Talking to her daily, hoping it could get her brain started. Never leaving her side for the three days after the surgery. Hell, you didn't even sleep in the hospital for me!" Naveen laughed before taking a sip of his wine and continuing. "What you are doing is unconditional, Ethan boy. It's the very same unconditional love which existence you recant so much. And don't give me this incredulous look now. I remember very clearly that one call I received from you when you were in Brazil."

"Which call?"

"The one that came in the middle of the night. You were obviously very drunk and you were crying. I never heard you cry before, but even through the phone I could hear the sobs escaping you very clearly. And you just kept repeating that you loved her, that you loved her and had to leave because you loved her. That you even wrote her 'a damn poem'. Not once have you mentioned who "she" is, but I am not that old or stupid."

Horror run through Ethan's face as he recalled blurred memories of the night. He was indeed very drunk and the damn poem was the proof that Naveen was telling the truth, but Ethan didn't remember anything about the call.

Everything Naveen has said was slowly settling in and the voice in his head, now more clear than ever, kept repeating the new truth.

I love her.

Fuck, I really love the woman.

Instead of admitting it to Naveen, he frowned and said: "Even if it was true, it doesn't matter. I am her mentor, her boss and so there's no way we could work as a couple."

Naveen laughed again, Ethan's mind and his morals never stopping to amaze him.

"Oh please. You wouldn't be first nor the last to maintain such relationship. You two kids love each other already and it doesn't affect your work anyhow, so what difference would it make if you allowed yourselves to actually be happy? Sure, Chiara's reputation could take a hit, but I think the two of you would be able not to make it too public until she is an attending, wouldn't you? It's not illegal."

"But it is immoral. Unethical."

"Look, Ethan, you can be ethical and wretched, or you can change the way your morals work and actually find happiness, after all those years."

~

Nine days after his dinner with Naveen, Dr. Ramsey decided to spend his lunch break in Chiara's room, telling her about the newest patient. He stood by the window, looking at the street below him, hands in his pocket as he talked about the man whose nose bleeding was so extensive it made him faint. When he got to the ideas about what could cause such odd bleeding, the device monitoring Chiara's brain activity started to beep somehow more frequently. Ethan didn't pay any attention to it - it happened on daily basis now, showing that her brain actually still works, only not enough for her to wake up just yet.

"...we ruled the brain tumor out but it could-"

"Hurts.... head.... hurts.... hurts."

He turned around and in two steps got back to Chiara's bed, his wide eyes showing broad spectrum of emotions, from disbelief to relief to fear to shock. He leaned over Chiara so that he could see and hear everything perfectly, and really, she was trying to open her eyes while wincing painfully.

"Shh, it's okay, I am here. I am right here. Let me just page others," Ethan put his doctor expression on and with trembling fingers paged other doctors.

"...head hurts," Chiara let out, her words so silent he almost didn't hear.

"Does it hurt when you try to open your eyes?"

She nodded.

"Okay, keep them closed. Does it hurt when you are talking to me?"

"My throat... sore.." He took her hand between his own and started to draw soothing circles on her skin with his thumb.

"It's okay, everything's okay. Your eyes need to adjust to the light. Can you tell me what your name is?"

"Chiara... R...Ray."

"Wonderful. Do you remember what your job is?"

"I - a doc... doctor."

"You are doing great, Chiara. Keep going. Could you try to open your eyes now?"

Chiara's eyelids fluttered and she had to blink several times, but she managed to keep her eyes open for a while.

"Perfect. Now, can you tell who I am? Do you remember me?"

Ethan's heart skipped a beat at her words and all he wanted to do was to take her into his arms and hold her, tell her how much he missed her and how sorry he was, but the moment was interrupted by Baz, June and Harper Emery entering the room, their expressions shocked.

She even managed to create a small smile before saying: " Ethan Ramsey. Unforgettable."

"When did she wake up?"

"Four minutes ago. No memory loss."

"Where does it hurt, Chiara?" It was Dr. Emery, already poking into one of Chiara's legs. "Can you feel this?"

"Yes, but the legs hurt. And head. And my back. It all hurts so much."

Harper looked at Ethan and nodded. "No paralysis."

"It's natural for your body to hurt now, Chiara. We will run all the tests we can and monitor your functions to make sure you'll heal properly. Do you recall what happened?"

"Not really," Chiara said, closing her eyes again, not being able to bear so much light. "I remember driving... driving home and that's it."

"Okay, you need to rest," June stepped into the discussion. "Keep your eyes closed, don't move, rest. We'll come with a treatment and recovery plan for you soon."

Chiara nodded and all the doctors started to leave the room. As he was leaving, Ethan squeezed Chiara's hand and whispered: "I'll be here as soon as I can."

~

As evening fell over the city of Boston, Chiara Ray finally didn't feel like her head would explode everytime she opened her eyes. She was now laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for some other doctor to come and examine her. When the door opened, she didn't even have to look to know who entered the room, his scent so unique she would recognize it anywhere.

"Hey," she smiled softly. "Another test?"

"I came to check how you were doing."

"I need to know if my friends are okay. Someone should finally talk to me."

Everytime she asked about her friends, the girls sitting in the car that night, she would be stopped and told to rest. At first, she was so confused and in so much pain it didn't really startle her, but now, feeling much better, not knowing was torturing her.

"They are all alright. You were the only one seriously injured."

"Can I see them?"

"Not now, no. You have to take this slowly. They'll come to see you tomorrow. Right now, you really need to rest."

"From what you told me, I've been resting for the last seven weeks."

"This is not the right time for jokes, Chiara. It's a miracle you are alive and this well at the moment and I am speaking as someone who doesn't believe in miracles. It will cost you a lot of strenght and dedication to heal. You basically need to learn to walk again. And for that, you need to rest."

She turned at him, finally taking a good look at him, observing every detail.

"Look who's talking. What about you? Which musketeer are you audiencing for with that beard and those hair? Athos?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"You don't know The Three Musketeers?"

"No."

Even though she still felt physically miserable, she couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes at him.

"Okay, well you could also play Sirius Black after he ran away from Azkaban."

"Who again?"

"Don't tell me you don't know Harry Potter."

Ethan sat down on the chair next to her bed and shrugged.

"I don't, obviously."

"God, you're hopeless. So, what is it going on in your life that made you look like this?" 

She knew something was going on, even if she didn't pay attention on his appearence, his eyes screamed that he was in pain.

"Nothing serious. Just a lot of work. It's not important now. What is important is you getting better, that's why you are not allowed questions today. Don't put too much pressure on yourself already."

"Come closer," she told him softly and he leaned over her, looking straight into her eyes. She reached for his hair, wincing with pain as she lifted her hand.

"Closer," she repeated and he got closer, so close that he could see how her green eyes turn into colour of rosin around her pupils. His breath got stuck in his throat, because damn, even now she was the most intriguing woman he's ever laid his eyes on.

"Ramsey, is this a gray hair I see here?" she whispered and chuckled.

Ethan closed his eyes, trying his hardest to maintain serious, professional face, but hearing her chuckle made him let out soft laugh too.

"You are really stepping over the line here, Rookie."

"Of course I am. Seriously though, Ethan. What is going on? You look even worse than I do and that's almost impossible at the moment."

Her voice was caring and he couldn't bring himself to pull away from her. But he had to, after all, so he sat down back on his chair, holding her hand from there.

"It's really nothing Chiara, just work. I am down to a member of my team after all, remember?"

She knew he was hiding something enormous, but it was too soon to push him into telling her. She would have plenty of time for that.

He wanted to tell her everything and he knew she sensed his lies. But at this time, her recovery was the most important thing to him and he didn't want to put that at risk. He knew he would have plenty of time to tell her everything.

[motleycrueroadie]

Along for the Ride (pt. 6)

Author’s Note: It has been a while, so thank you to anyone who is returning to this story! I will apologize for the delay, going back to work has been hectic. With everything going on right now, if reading this and consuming this kind of content helps you to take a break then I’m very glad to provide that. Enjoy xoxo. 

Previous Chapters: One I Two I Three I Four I Five I

A lot of time has passed since I’ve been to a party, let alone a party with a horde of strangers. The last time that I was ,what might be defined as, “partying” was during high school. Even though varsity sports were a large commitment, there were always athletes who made it part of their weekly routine to get as hammered as they possibly could on Friday and Saturday night. The football players were the main ones to spend copious hours belligerent, and they turned to the other fall athletic teams to join them. A lot of my teammates were skinny little things who were borderline obliterated within two cups of foamy, cheap keg beer but no other sport could beat them and myself at the beer mile. The athletes were pretty much the only people I partied with because they were the only people I was seeing throughout the year. Yet here I am four years later, having not attended a party since graduation and I was set to attend some random stranger’s party to scope out Tommy’s suggested lead singer. 

When Tommy had suggested Vince at dinner last week he went on to explain that he knew him from high school and not from Suite 19 or any other band he played for - which to me was a good starting sign considering that Greg hadn’t worked out. I had not realised I was Tommy’s senior by four years up until he was talking about him and Vince’s high school days.  Tommy admitting his age to me really had put things into perspective for myself.

 Four years have passed since I graduated and I still had yet to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Upon finishing high school, all I knew with regards to my future was that I needed to be on my own and find myself. To begin, finding out who I was meant that I needed to start from my roots and make my way up. Despite not being completely fit parents,  my mother and father were incredibly passionate people. Before the haze of drugs and partying had blinded them, my parents were both madly in love with one another and with music. None of their life was mapped out and planned tediously, otherwise I wouldn’t have been in the picture. When they were seventeen and seniors in high school, my mom found out she was pregnant with me. Even though this put a delay in their goal to travel with the music, it never stopped them. We lived in a 1959 Volkswagen Van and put thousands of miles on it as we traveled from venue to venue following the voices of the 60′s. Of course, we settled down come the fall when the summer tours and festivals died down and I needed to go to school. We would live right here on the Sunset Strip in a shitty little one bedroom apartment. I slept with my parents on a mattress on the floor. During the week I would attend school and they would work at whatever odd job they had found, then come the weekend they would put me to bed and head out for the shows. After their death, I moved in with my grandparents a few hours north of Los Angeles for 7 years until I turned 18. That’s when I set out to find myself. Funny thing is, it’s almost been four years out here and I’m no closer to finding out who I am than the day I left home. 

“You’re not that much older than me Janis,” Tommy had said while we were talking about my age, “Mick, when did you graduate high school?” This was another of his attempts to figure out Mick’s age. 

“Before your balls even dropped.” Mick was quick to shut Tommy down every time. I smiled at Mick and held out my hand for a fist bump, which to my surprise Mick had returned. Mick was older than the rest of us, but none of us were sure by how much. Even though Mick fronted a bit of a tough exterior, he liked to joke around and have fun like us - He just wasn’t as young as us anymore, it was a different kind of fun. 

That night, after the guys had gone back to practicing, I went back to my usual nightly routine. Being that it was Sunday, I didn’t have to go in for work but it also meant that I had to keep my regular sleep schedule since I was due for another 11-7 shift the next day. That left me from the time I woke up at 3:30 pm until 7:00 am to pass the time. This meant that I would have a smoothie and go for a run, come back for a shower and more food and the rest of the time I spent cleaning every nook and cranny in the apartment and reading. Days off though, was time for grocery shopping. There was only one supermarket in the nearby area that was open 24 hours and I was one of the only people who tended to do their shopping at midnight. However, on this night I had company. Nikki came along with me despite the fact that he had work in the morning. It wasn’t until the walk home that I learned the true motive behind the company on the trip. He wanted me to come with them to this party to scout out Vince. At first I was confused. 

“Why do you want me to come? It’s your band.” He nodded in agreement, acknowledging that it seemed like an odd request. 

“You’ve kind of been along for most of this, so even though it’s not your band I feel it’s only right you come along for the ride.” My continued confusion must have read on my face because he spoke again, “I met Tommy at your diner and you called Mick when I wouldn’t.” 

“You would’ve eventually called him yourself, and I’m sure you would’ve met Tommy after your show anyways.” He shook his head at me while we continued walking. 

“Janis, I was only in that diner because I was there to see you. Tommy was there by coincidence. I wouldn’t have called Mick either. I would have just let myself be happy I had Greg and went along with it until we became another Suite 19 or London.” I had opened my mouth to reply to him and he cut me off, “I’m trying to say you’ve helped me form this band whether you believe it or not, and I want you there when we’re looking at what could be our lead singer.”

“Then I’ll be there to make sure you get your skinny blonde fucker.” He laughed with me and we continued in comfortable silence back to our apartments. That was almost six days ago, today I stood in the living room of Nikki’s apartment at 4:30 on a Friday waiting for Mick to come so that we could all go to this party. Up until now, I hadn’t really seen Nikki’s apartment, but now that I was in it I realised why. The fact that there were roaches infesting this building was not beyond my knowledge, however I managed to keep them at bay by keeping my apartment clean and the food sealed. The garbage left out by Nikki and the mess all over the place was a haven for all sorts of bugs, evident by the ants and roaches freely roaming the brown carpet (which is supposed to be white). Despite this, I wasn’t assuming that Nikki was 100% a slob - more or less 50% a slob, and the rest I can chalk up to him not knowing any better. I know Nikki hasn’t always had or accepted the type of discipline and skill that a parental figure would instill to keep a tidy home. However, even though I was understanding, it didn't mean that I could bear the smell any longer. Moving out of the apartment, I joined Tommy out on the balcony where he was having a cigarette while Nikki was still getting ready.

“Tell me more about Vince.” I spoke, Tommy turned his head from the view of the Strip to acknowledge my presence. Leaning against the railing next to him, Tommy put his arm around my shoulder. Since our initial encounter at the diner, I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know Tommy a little bit better when hosting dinners and talking to him. He reminded me of the little brother I never got to have, full of energy and youth. We balanced each other out well in conversations, he was able to get me excited and rambling while I reigned him in but listened intently to everything he had to say. 

“Why? Trying to see if he’s worth getting into bed with?” Tommy winked at me, I knew he was trying to frazzle me. “Jeez JJ, you haven’t even seen him yet.”

“Looks are just a small slice of the pie, I need to know if he’s got brains or not” I replied. 

“Vince’s brains are in his pants. The thing about Vince is that he’s a great guy to be around if you’re a guy.” He took a drag from the cigarette before continuing, “So just make sure he knows you’re one of the guys.” The red car I knew to be  Mick pulled up in front of the complex, so I turned back to the apartment where I had left the door ajar and yelled for Nikki.

“Sixx! Mick is here!” I heard something hit the floor behind him as Nikki emerged from the apartment and closed the door behind him. “You don’t lock your door?” I asked him, genuinely confused considering the equipment they kept there for rehearsing. 

“Why would anyone want to steal from me?” He answered my question with another question, which was something I was notorious for doing and he knew it. 

“Your equipment is in there though.” 

“And? Are the people who won’t even talk to me, who live here, going to steal it?” Being that he was a little snarky today, I figured he needed a reminder of who he was talking to. 

“Well I guess whoever wants to take your shit needs to get past all the garbage and the smell first.” I replied, walking down the stairs with Tommy towards Mick’s car. His silence was quite audible and I knew I had struck the right chord. 

“It’s not that bad in there!” Tommy was quick to come to his defence, especially considering he would be moving in with Nikki at some point. The two of them had discussed this over dinner not long ago.

“You boys have just been spending enough time in it that you’ve become used to it.” I said. In that moment I realised how badly these two boys needed a voice of reason and guidance around. They thought that it was quite acceptable to live like that. “You’re lucky I’m around, I’ll be the one to stop you from being evicted by the L.A Health Department.” 

“Get off your fucking high horse.” Nikki scoffed as we grew closer to Mick’s car. I lifted my foot and pressed it into the crook of Tommy’s knee while pushing my hand into Nikki’s chest to throw them both off balance. They both stumbled slightly as I took off into a run, swinging open Mick’s car door I slid into the passenger seat.

“Let’s go!” I yelled, leaning out the window and laughing as Tommy and Nikki fumbled into the backseat. Despite the fact that Nikki had seemed to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, today he had a smirk on his face as he and Tommy squished their body’s into the backseat of the Mazda. Knowing Nikki, only a little bit, I could maybe conclude he was nervous about whether Vince would work out of not. They sounded good without a lead singer, and I know he wants someone to match the rest of their talent.

“Mick Mars, you ready to go get a blonde fucker?” I asked him, sticking out my hand for a fist bump. He returned the gesture before shifting the car into drive. 

“This kid better be good, drummer.” Was the reply that Mick offered as we took off towards the house party. Arriving on the street, the first thing we noticed were the dozens of cars lined up and the second was the noise from down the block. As we got out of the car, Tommy let us know that the noise was Vince. Nikki had commented that he sounded good for now and everyone’s spirits were high. As we entered the backyard, the third thing that we all noticed was how easily these guys stood out in the crowd. The people at this party were very obviously preppy, the colour palette was very warm and looked just like the people I would have hung around with in high school. In fact, if these guys weren’t here then I would blend in quite well. The four of us were stopped in the entrance of the backyard, and I felt a hand on the small of my back as Nikki started making his way into the sea of strangers. 

“I want a shot of Jack already and we’ve been here for two seconds” He whispered in my ear as the four of us made our way to the makeshift bar in the middle of the backyard. As we approached the table, Nikki took a bottle of Jack Daniels out of the hand of someone passing by. They turned in protest but then decided against it once taking in the sight of us. Leaning against the table, I was paying attention to the band on stage. The four guys on the stage were playing a cover of Billy Squier’s My Kind of Lover and though it was nothing special compared to the original, I would say the lead singer was using the song to his advantage. The women were flocking to the front of the stage, infatuated with him. Tapping my foot along to the beat, I felt a hand on the small of my back again as the bottle of Jack appeared in my vision. Shaking my head, I gently pushed the neck back towards Nikki. Even though the offer was denied and he didn’t need my attention anymore, Nikki’s hand remained and I was hyper-aware of the fact. 

“Fucking cover band?” Mick questioned, sounding displeased. 

“Yeah but I’m telling you, I went to high school with this guy.” Tommy continued to vouch for Vince, attempting to convince Mick to see past the exterior. Unlike Mick, I was hearing a voice that could go with the heavy metal these guys have been playing. 

“You’re telling me you haven’t played covers to make a cheap buck Mick?” I questioned, looking back at him as he took the bottle of Jack from Nikki. His scowl softened ever so slightly, which served as the silent reply I needed. Tommy and Nikki stepped forward a little away from the table to talk and I stayed there with Mick.

“I know what you mean though Mick,” He glanced his eyes over at me before returning to watch Vince, taking a sip from the bottle. “You want to know if the guy is serious about the music or in it for something else. I get it” He nodded appreciatively, a man of few words. I couldn’t tell if I was on the right track, but when he stuck his fist out towards me I knew I had been right. Quickly bumping my fist against his, I caught his smile as he took another sip from the bottle. 

“This isn’t our style.” Mick called out to Nikki and Tommy. The two looked back at Mick before Nikki motioned his hand out to the crowd in front of the stage. 

“I don’t care if he can sing or not, look at what he’s doing to those chicks” He replied. Tommy turned his whole body around and came walking towards me with a grin, which I knew was not a good sign.

“Yeah JJ, look at what he’s doing to those chicks. You creaming your jeans yet?” He laughed at how uncomfortable I appeared from his statement. I wasn’t ignorant to the stares from both Mick and Nikki as they awaited my thoughts. 

“Blondes aren’t my type Tommy.” I replied, but it didn’t appear that he was letting up on me. Standing next to me as we listened to the tail end of the song, Tommy looked like he had something else to say. 

“They might not be your type, but blondes are Vince’s type. You’re my bribing factor JJ.” Tommy said, he tried to walk away but I grabbed onto the sleeve of his jacket. 

“You are not pimping me!” I whisper shouted at him, he laughed and pulled his jacket out my hand as the song ended. 

“We are Rock Candy!” Vince said into the microphone as he exited the stage. Nikki returned to the table beside Mick and myself, his arm going around my shoulder. 

“Shitty name” mumbled Mick and I nodded in agreement. 

“I heard something about Tommy pimping you out to Vince,” Nikki said low enough that only I was hearing it. Shifting under the weight of his arm I looked up at him. 

“ Not only are blondes not my type, but neither is being pimped out” I replied as we watched Tommy and Vince embrace. “His voice is right for you guys, but you’ll need to help him tweak it. Billy Squier is much different than what you guys are playing.” Nikki nodded in agreement with me. The two of us continued to watch Tommy and Vince talk as Tommy pointed back at the three of us before handing him something. He bounded back to us with the type of energy that I envied. 

“I gave him the tape to listen to, it’s got my number on it so I told him to call!” Tommy sounded excited, so I took it that the exchange between the two of them went well. For the sake of these three guys and all the hard work that I had seen them putting into this band thus far, I was really hoping that this would all work out for them. More so, I was quite excited to leave this party and return home to relax before my shift began and I would be dealing with the Friday night leftovers from the Sunset Strip shows. 

A couple weeks had passed since we had ventured to the pool party to watch Vince, and despite how excited Tommy had seemed, the man with promise had yet to even give them a phone call. With each day that went by, I could tell the guys were becoming discouraged  even though they continued to practice every night like clockwork. I tried to keep things constant for them on my part, and made sure that the door was open to welcome them for dinner every night after practice. 

The more that I was around the guys, the more I got to know them. Tommy had learned to play in the drums from the high school marching band, but was one of the most musically inclined of the bunch. When Nikki had met Tommy in the diner, I hadn’t noticed the drumsticks he had been carrying, but since then I had taken note that he did in fact always have a pair glued to him. He was constantly fidgeting with them to the point where I had threatened to toss them into the trash if he hit me one more time while twirling them. In typical Tommy fashion he had apologized profusely. He also told me he appreciated that I was so upfront with him about the things he did that piss me off - something he said his parents were not the greatest at. Mick on the other hand, was a bit of a harder egg to crack. All I could really tell about him was the fact that something seemed to bother him all the time, he never looked like he could quite get comfortable no matter where we were. Nikki and I remained on the same page. We hadn’t really had the opportunity to hang out, just the two of us since Mick joined the trio and I was okay with it for now. What was becoming of increasing concern to me though was their love of substances. The past couple of weekends, the three of them came to the diner during my shift after having watched someone playing at the Starwood or the Whiskey, being as loud and obnoxious as I had ever seen them. Carlos always made sure to poke his disapproving head over the kitchen window and give me his signature “fix it” stare. I tried to shovel bread and water into their systems to slow them down, and they would soon leave just as quickly as they entered, with shouts of “you have to come out soon JJ!” and “live up to the Janis name!” echoing as they exited back onto the street. I knew drugs and alcohol were part of the music scene, and I  wasn't a stranger to them myself, but I knew when to stop. Since I hadn’t seen them party in person yet, I couldn’t gauge whether or not they knew when to stop, but a gut feeling was telling me that they did not in fact know when to stop. 

Today though, was a Monday which meant a fresh start to the week. Feet to the pavement at 4:30 and I was off. The guys always waited until they heard me going down the stairs before they began playing to make sure that I was awake, it was quite the considerate thing to do. Making my way through the streets of Los Angeles, I noticed that it was absolutely sweltering today and the white shirt that I was wearing would soon become quite see-through. The marquees of the Whiskey and the Starwood adorned names that I don’t recognise but that I’m sure Tommy could ramble on about for hours with the aid of Nikki. Those two could give my parents a run for their money when it came for the love of music. I could turn the radio on or throw in a random cassette and as long as it was rock, those two could name the artist, the song, the album and their thoughts within 30 seconds of the song. I had to admit, it was impressive. Rounding the corner that led back to our street, I was ready for a shower. Glancing down at the white shirt, I noticed that my prediction had reigned true. Crossing at the traffic light, there was a beautiful, red 280Z car parked out front the apartment complex. Knowing the people that lived in the building, there was no one with enough money to own that kind of car. Confused, I headed up the stairs while peeling the shirt off my back and tossing it over my shoulder. There was no music coming from Nikki’s apartment, only lots of voices. Continuing up the stairs, I heard a woman’s voice speak. 

“I’m just trying to make sure these guys are good enough to play with you baby.” Those were some odd words. Walking quietly, I paused at the ajar doorway. Mick could see me through the crack but I motioned for him to stay quiet. He started into a riff, while a voice started singing, which I recognised as Vince. After only playing for no more than 30 seconds, the same voice called out, “This isn’t right!” She wasn’t wrong. They mumbled among themselves about how they could change the song so that it sounded better. Nikki said something about muzzling that I didn’t quite pick up but judging by the outcry of curses from the woman, it had to do with muzzling her. Mick just started back into the song again, at a faster pace to silence her. They sounded a lot better. As they started getting into the song I recognised it to be “Live Wire” whose lyrics Nikki had shown me over dinner a while back. Figuring that they would be distracted while playing, I opened the door further which let in more light and I leaned against the doorway listening to them play. Nikki and Tommy had noticed and smiled at me before Nikki motioned with his head over to Vince who was just coming to the tail end of the song. “Holy shit” breathed the woman on the couch. 

“Holy shit is right, that sounded great!” I exclaimed. Nikki grabbed my hand and shook it enthusiastically while Tommy yelled out in agreement. Mick in his true fashion just smiled and nodded along. Without even looking at him, I knew Vince was staring at me. Sticking out my hand for an introduction I spoke to Vince, “Janis Jade, you must be Vince?” He took the hand and gave it a firm shake, pausing while opening his mouth to speak.

“Tommy said you would be here,” He glanced over his shoulder at Tommy and back at me, giving me a once over. “And I have to say I’m quite glad that you are.” Glaring at Tommy, he feigned innocence and shrugged his shoulders. Damn bastard did try to pimp me out. Dropping Vince’s hand I side stepped him and stuck my hand out for the woman who remained sitting on the couch through all this. 

“Janis Jade, I’m Nikki’s upstairs neighbour.” She looked at my hand but did not return the gesture. 

“Baby, you better not be getting any ideas with her around just because she’s sleeping with Nikki.” Though she was quite ignorant, I kept my cool. I was as covered, if not more, than some of the people he was talking to at the pool party. Glancing over my shoulder at Nikki who was beginning to open his mouth, I stuck my hand up slightly to signal him to stop.  

“My apologies sweetheart, I’m sure my midriff was giving him all sorts of ideas.” Grabbing the white shirt from over my shoulders I pulled it over my head. My sweat had made it so that my cleavage was as bright as day but the rest of my torso was covered. Pulling the shirt taut by the hem so that this was emphasised to her I continued, “There we are.” Letting go of the end of my shirt and turning on my heel, I waved to everyone. “Things are sounding good you guys! I’ll bring down some dinner around 8:30.” The silence in the room was deafening but the thumbs-up of support from Tommy didn’t go unnoticed. Walking out the door, I left the boys to deal with the two blondes. 

“I’ll say what we are all thinking. JJ would win in any wet t-shirt contest.” That was unmistakably Tommy’s voice.

Next Chapter 

[effable-ineffability]

the risk (of losing what i don't have now)

Two days of silence from Crowley. Aziraphale gets worried and goes to find out why.

[ also on ao3 ]

Aziraphale stood outside of Crowley's front door.

The demon had been inexplicably absent from the book shop for two days now, not even so much as a phone call.  It wasn't exactly odd for them to not speak for days at a time; indeed, in the past, there had been years of silence between them.  But ever since Not-Quite-Armageddon, the longest time they had spent apart was about twelve hours.[1] Most evenings, after whatever dinner Aziraphale had wanted, they would open a bottle of wine in either the book shop's back room or Crowley's living room, and spend a few hours talking about nothing in particular before Aziraphale would find a reason to end the evening - needing to do inventory, catching up on his reading, reorganizing something or another.  And then, without fail, Crowley would appear in the shop between seven and eight the next morning, sometimes with pastries for breakfast, sometimes with coffee or tea, and sometimes with a spectacularly terrible idea for how to spend their day.

[1] - Crowley had dropped him off after a very nice dinner at a Peruvian restaurant around 9pm, and had made an excuse to go back to his own apartment, saying he'd be back in the morning, and had indeed returned around 9am.

But it had been two days of silence now, and Aziraphale was worried.

He wasn't worried in the sense that he was worried that something might have happened to Crowley; he knew Crowley wouldn't be getting involved with anything dangerous or stupid, at least not without telling Aziraphale all about it first.  He also knew that if Hell - or Heaven, for that matter - had come for Crowley, the city would have been leveled before Crowley would go down. No, he knew Crowley was perfectly intact physically. He was worried about Crowley's emotional state.

Aziraphale raised his hand to knock, but hesitated.

The last time they had seen each other, Crowley had seemed a little frazzled.  Every other sentence had trailed off into pensive silence, he had appeared to do everything in his power to avoid eye contact, and when Aziraphale had placed a hand over Crowley's after one of those trailed-off sentences, Crowley had nearly jumped out of his skin.[2]  So his absence was questionable, at best.

[2] - He had laughed this off - "Ah, sorry, angel, let my mind wander a bit too far; here, lemme refill your glass."

Bracing himself with a deep breath, Aziraphale knocked.

After a long moment of nothing, the lock clicked, and the door inched open.  Crowley wasn't on the other side; wherever he was, he had apparently just miracled the door open.  Aziraphale took a small step inside. "Crowley?" he called carefully.

"Yeah," came his voice from down the hall, sounding exhausted.  Defeated. "I'm here."

Aziraphale closed the door behind him softly, and started down the hall.  He wasn't sure what he was going to say. Where have you been?[3] Are you all right?[4]  What's going on?[5]

[3] - The answer seemed to be obvious: right here.

[4] - Crowley had always sneered at this question.

[5] - A bit too direct; he didn't want to scare Crowley away with their first interaction in a few days.

There were no lights on in the apartment.  Aziraphale found Crowley seated on the floor by a window, only the street lamps illuminating him.  "Hey, angel," Crowley said without looking up. He was among his plants, mister in one hand, and the other in his hair.  His knees were drawn up to his chest, and he was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. He looked tired. He sounded tired. Something about him seemed… broken.

"Crowley," Aziraphale said in such a gentle tone that the demon flinched as though hit.

"I'm fine," he answered the unasked question.

"Are you?"

Crowley sighed.  His head dropped as he untangled his fingers from his hair, and he finally looked up.  He wasn't wearing his sunglasses, and his eyes were a little bloodshot. "No," he said, his voice cracking.  He cleared his throat and looked away. "I guess not."

Aziraphale paused for a second before he slowly lowered himself onto his knees in front of the vulnerable figure.  "What's wrong, my dear?" he murmured, placing a soothing hand on Crowley's shoulder.

"Nothing," he said automatically.  But before Aziraphale could call him on it, he shook his head.  "It's not… it's stupid."

"Please talk to me," Aziraphale urged.

"I can't."  Crowley twitched as though to get away from the angel's comforting hand, but the result was that Aziraphale moved closer and put his other hand on Crowley's knee.  "I can't," he said again, as if pleading.  He looked up at Aziraphale, and choked on a sob.

Without missing a beat, Aziraphale moved forward to catch Crowley as he collapsed.  Aziraphale pulled him into his chest, wrapping his arms around him, as Crowley took a shaking breath and tears spilled from his eyes.  "Shh," Aziraphale whispered, combing his fingers through tousled auburn. "My dear, it's all right. I'm right here, it's all right."

The mister dropped and rolled across the floor; both of Crowley's hands were fisting into Aziraphale's jacket as he took unsteady breaths.  He buried his face into the crook of the angel's neck, trying to say something, anything, but managing little more than another sob. So Aziraphale just held him, rocking very slowly, and stroking his hair as he murmured comfort.

Something had broken, Aziraphale could see it now.  He still wasn’t quite sure what it was, but Crowley was holding onto him as a drowning man clings to anything that would float.  What had happened?

It took a full five minutes before Crowley's breathing began to regulate itself, and another three before he sat back again.  Aziraphale's hands fell to rest on Crowley's legs, and after a second of consideration, Crowley took them in his own. He still wasn't looking at Aziraphale directly.

Aziraphale waited.

"I'm sorry," Crowley said in a quiet voice.

"There's no need to apologize," Aziraphale assured him, squeezing his hands a little.

"No, not for," Crowley half-gesticulated, briefly raising their clasped hands, "for that.  Not exactly the first time I've cried on you, is it." It was true; but it had only happened twice before.[6]

[6] - The first time had been after the Flood; Crowley blamed it on the rain - "Demons don't cry, angel."  The second time had been the night before The First Sunday Of The Rest Of Their Lives, when they had returned to Crowley's apartment after stopping the world from ending; that, however, is a story for another time.

"Then whatever are you apologizing for?" Aziraphale questioned.

Crowley took a deep, steadying breath.  "It's uh. It's hard to explain." He chanced a glance at Aziraphale, and was correct in assuming this statement caused the angel's brow knit in confused concern.  "It's just…" Crowley sighed, and squeezed Aziraphale's hands tightly. He was readying himself for something; they could both tell this was something Important. Whatever had caused him to disappear for two days, this was it.  "Angel,” he began; then shook his head a little and tried again. “Aziraphale. I can't… I can't keep on like this. Not at this pace, not knowing. I don't want--- Look, I know, and you were right, I know I was going too fast, asking too much, back then.  I know that now. You were right. But. I can't slow down any more. It---" He squeezed his eyes shut. "It hurts," he whispered.

Aziraphale wasn't reacting; he was listening, and was clearly prepared to listen until Crowley had said everything he needed to say.

So Crowley took a breath, opened his eyes, and stared at the planter of orchids above the angel's head as he pushed on.  "I can't lose you, I can't. I won't. And I will keep waiting, I really will, if that's what you need, I would do--- I'd do anything for you, Aziraphale, anything, I really would.  But I need you to know, to understand--- I just want you to know what I'm feeling, what's going on with me. I think it's fair. I think. It hurts, it does, but… but I'll still wait forever, if that's what it takes.  Because I’m not going anywhere, not unless you--- but you wouldn’t, because you haven’t, and I---" A pause. A shallow breath. “It hurts,” he continued, “but that doesn’t mean I won’t wait. I’d like to know, if you want, if you can, I’d like to know how you--- how you feel.  About me. Us. About us. But talking to you about it, it just seems like--- what if that’s too fast again? What if I push you away, by asking? So I haven’t. But it’s been a long time. And I’ve been waiting. And I’ll keep waiting, angel, I will, as long as I can be near you, I will.  But I still--- if you can, if you want, I want to know.”

Aziraphale let out a very long breath that he didn't realize he had been holding.  There was a lot to take in, but he was surprised to find that none of it had surprised him.

Crowley swallowed, and dropped his eyes to their hands.  "So," he said with a note of finality, "I’ve been avoiding you, because I was afraid to ask.  And that’s why I'm sorry. We don’t have to talk about it now." He started to take his hands away.

But Aziraphale held them firmly.

Crowley looked up, and gold eyes met blue properly for the first time in two days.

"So this is what you've been simmering in, all this time?" Aziraphale asked gently.

"Longer," Crowley admitted.

Aziraphale nodded in acknowledgment; he had clearly suspected as much.  "And you've been worried about my response. Which is why you haven't brought this up sooner."

Crowley gave a single, meek nod, unable to drop his gaze.

To his slight surprise, Aziraphale's concern melted into the slightest of smiles.  "I see. Then perhaps I can alleviate some of that worry. Shall I?" He smiled a little wider when Crowley looked taken aback.  "I have been doing some thinking myself. For quite some time, as well. And given recent events, I had been wondering how to properly express myself to you.  But you, my dear, have done the difficult part, by initiating this conversation." He sighed in a satisfied kind of way, and leaned forward until their foreheads were touching.  Crowley twitched slightly, as though this contact was unexpected, no matter how slowly Aziraphale had moved into it, perfectly telegraphing his intention. "I realized," Aziraphale said much softer now that they were so close, "that there is nothing in this world more important to me than you, Crowley.  And I, too, cannot lose you. And I won't. And so I think I should like to take another step forward with you. To show you just what you are to me."

Crowley was forgetting to breathe, but took a shaky inhale.  "What… what I am to you?" he repeated.

"Yes," Aziraphale confirmed.  He slipped one of his hands from the tangle on Crowley's lap and brought it up to Crowley's cheek.  "Everything, my dear.  You are everything to me.  And it's about time that I told you that."

Tears began to fall down Crowley's cheeks again, but this time, he wouldn't take his eyes off of the angel.  "Aziraphale…"

"I'm so very sorry that it took me this long," he continued, wiping away some tears with his thumb.  "You’ve been incredibly patient with me, all this time. You deserved to know sooner, but I was never sure how to say it."

"Oh angel," Crowley breathed.  He reached up to hold Aziraphale's hand against his cheek.  "I don't care how long it took, because--- because you did, you said it, and I can--- I can finally say it too."  A smile was starting to spread across his face. "You are--- to me, you are everything."  He took a shuddering breath, and the smile broke over his face in earnest.  "My angel," he breathed. "My everything."

Sitting on the ground, surrounded by plants, in semi-darkness, after six thousand years of knowing each other, after centuries of wanting each other, after days of worry, an angel who was afraid to love and a demon who loved too much finally opened their hearts to one another, only to find that the only difference was that things unsaid had finally been spoken.

[faefictions]

Springfield Cannonball

Pairing: Harrison Osterfield x reader

Summary: The reader doesn’t believe in love, but after she meets a boy at her friend’s wedding, that may change. 

Word count: 5,328

Dating was a scary topic for you when it became relevant in your teenage years. Your parents were never a good example of love. They fought passive aggressively every time you were forced to spend time as a family, and it did nothing but show you that love was a fluke. It was unachievable. Lust was all that existed. Infatuation. And you didn’t want to be stuck in a loveless marriage just like your parents had been. 

That being said, it became hard for you to want to date anyone. Plenty of boys had come around, trying to get your attention, but you had quickly gotten a reputation for turning down any advances quicker than they could leave their mouths. 

Despite your thoughts on love, when your high school best friend, Tory, invited you to her wedding, you knew you had to go. Your best friends, Kristen and Allie, knew Tory in high school as well, so you would at least have the comfort of their presence the entire night. That didn’t change the dread you had leading up to the event.

“I wouldn’t go home with him if I were you,” You muttered under your breath to Kristen as she took a break from flirting to get another drink at the open bar. 

“What’s wrong with this one?” She asked, a bit disappointed that you had found a flaw with the boy she had been throwing herself at all night. 

“When you go back over there, watch his eyes. If he makes eye contact the whole time, sure, go home with him. If they start to travel south, like they have been all night…”

“Alright, alright I get it. Guess I’ll be riding home with you… again.”

You could see the disappointment in her eyes, and it filled you with guilt. You knew that she was thankful deep down that you were warning her against doing something she might regret, but that’s all you ever did. You felt bad, but you couldn’t let your friend be played by any of the guys that were so obviously only going to break their hearts. 

Kristen left you to sit alone at your table, asking you to watch her drink. She scoured the room and almost instantly found another boy to flirt with. The boy that you had warned her about continued to stare at her ass, and you were glad that she had given up on him. The boy that she started to show an interest in seemed to be more of a gentleman than the others boys she tended to flirt with. His eyes locked on hers, only leaving to say a few words to a friend that had approached him. He seemed to listen intently to what she was saying, and that wasn’t something that she got often from boys. Looking at the situation, even you thought that this boy was the best shot that Kristen had at love, so you let her be and returned your attention to your phone. 

Your other friend, Allie hadn’t made it to the ceremony, and she was yet to show at the reception. It wasn’t like her to be so late, and it was making you nervous. You scoured social media to find some proof that she was safe and on her way, only after calling her for the fifth time in a row with no answer. 

As you went back to snapchat to check her story, Allie walked into the building, in search of you and Kristen. She laid eyes on Kristen first, seeing her flirting with the boy near the door she had entered through. 

“Hey, sorry I’m late, where’s y/n?” Allie asked, greeting Kristen with a hug. 

“Last I saw her, she was at our table, over by the bar. And you know her, she probably hasn’t moved a muscle. This is Harry by the way,” Allie spoke in a voice higher than usual, something she did whenever she was around an attractive male. Allie politely introduced herself and shook the boys hand, before calmly looking around the room for you. She saw you exactly where Kristen had described, sitting at the table with the phone illuminating your face. It was a bit discouraging to see you so miserable, but she couldn’t let it get to her. 

Allie was probably the only person who understood why you were so closed off to the idea of boys. You had been roommates for a year, before she moved in with her girlfriend, and you had had plenty of late night conversations that you would never forget. You hadn’t opened up to anyone else like you had her, and she knew that. So she took it upon herself to try to show you that the world wasn’t as cold of a place as you thought it was. She would take you to clubs on Friday nights in hopes that you would find someone to make you happy. You always went along with her, but you never put up an effort to meet anyone, and while she understood, it broke her heart. 

Harry followed both of the girls’ gazes to see them staring at you, and he instantly recognized you. 

“Is that your guys’ friend?” he asked. When they both nodded their heads in response, Harry’s smile grew and he pointed to a table across the room. 

“See that blond lad over there?”

They both nodded, confused as to where this was going. 

“That’s my friend Harrison. He’s a great guy, and he’s been pining after your friend all night. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so infatuated with a stranger.”

Harry was expecting some level of excitement as a reaction, but both of the girls looked slightly horrified. 

“Did I say something wrong?”

“Oh… no, it’s not you. It’s just…” Kristen began to talk, not knowing how to explain her friend to someone who hadn’t met her. 

“She just a strange one when it comes to boys. As lovely as your friend seems, he has a very slight chance of even getting a name out of her,” Allie finished for her. 

“What do you mean strange?”

“She’s friendly, don’t get me wrong, she’s just uninterested,” Kristen chimed in. 

Harry took a good look at you, still staring at your phone across the room, and came up with an idea.

“How about we turn it into a friendly bet?”

“What kind of bet?” Kristen asked, intrigued. 

“We put in £20 each. I win if he can get a dance out of her.”

“Ok, but you aren’t allowed to tell him that there’s money on the line.”

“You either. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“Kristen,” Allie interjected, pulling her friend to the side, “You really think it’s a good idea to bet on y/n’s love life? That’s a bit mean, no?”

“Come on, Al. We both know I’ll win, and it’s about time something comes from her stubbornness.”

“Kris, come one, you know she wouldn’t be happy about it.”

“I’ll give you £10.”

“I don’t want your hush money, but if she finds out, I had nothing to do with it,” Allie finished, before storming off towards you. 

Kristen rolled her eyes and went back to shake Harry’s hand. 

When you looked up to see Allie heading your way, your face lit up and you stood from you seat, careful to make sure that your long dress wasn’t caught under one of the legs. You rushed over to her and wrapped her in a big hug. Not only had you been worried sick about how late she had been, you hadn’t seen her in a bit over a week, and you had missed her. 

“Hey, sorry I’m late. Becca had a last minute family emergency and asked me to drop her off.”

“I called you like 4 times, I was worried.”

“I know, I saw as I was walking in. My ringtone was off. Hope I didn’t worry you too much,” she smiled, leading you back to sit down at the table. 

“I’m just glad you’re ok.”

Allie left to get you a couple of drinks, and while you were waiting for her return, you scanned the room for Kristen. When your eyes finally laid on her, you were surprised to find her alone, watching the boy she had been talking to from across the room. The boy was sitting next to another boy, just as handsome if not more, at a table on the opposite side of the room. Before you could even question why Kristen was watching them from afar, Allie came back with your drink. 

Over the next half hour, you had a few more drinks that you thought you would, but you were having a good time with Allie. You loved being around her and Becca, but it was nice not being a third wheel for once. Allie was on her 3rd drink and you were on your 4th when she said she wasn’t feeling so well. You asked if she wanted you to go with her to the bathroom, but she insisted on going alone. She was gone for less than a minute when you sensed someone approaching you from behind. 

“This seat taken?” you heard a deep voice ask. 

“Yeah, sorry,” you said politely, but made it obvious you weren’t looking for company. You turned around to see the boy that Kristen’s new friend had been talking to, and you could sense there was some kind of meddling going on. 

“I, uh, saw your friend rush out of here. Is everything alright?”

“That’s really none of your business,” you sounded just a bit more stern this time, praying he would get the message. He sure did, but he was going to ignore it. 

“I’m Harrison,” he smiled, reaching for a handshake. You reluctantly took his hand and smiled, “Nice to meet you.”

“Now would be about the time you might introduce yourself.”

“Now would actually be the time that I wouldn’t care to introduce myself. My apologies, but I’m not looking for company right now.”

“I could call you Blue Dress, would you prefer that?” he asked, completely disregarding the rest of your statement. 

“There are about 50 women wearing blue dresses in this room, I’m not sure how efficient that nickname is.”

“Well I’d call you by your name, but…”

“Poor thing, guess you’re stuck calling me nothing.”

“Ok. So, Nothing,” he began, causing you to do your best to hide a smile at the terrible joke, “Are you here for the bride or the groom?”

“The bride,” you admitted, knowing full well that you were going to have to ride out the conversation before you could get rid of this guy. It wasn’t the first time you had met someone so stubborn, but no one could ever meet your level of headstrong. 

“How do you two know each other?”

“We’re friends.”

The conversation continued with you giving one or two word answers to his endless questions, and you refused to ask any back. You had perfected the art of the one sided conversation, and it usually was fool-proof in getting rid of anyone interested, but not this time. 

The DJ shifted the tone of the music from an upbeat pop song to a slow one. The room was splitting into couples, and the sight was making your tipsy stomach queasy. 

“Would you like to dance?” Harrison asked, gaining nothing but a snort in response. “What? Do you not know how?”

“I’ll have you know, I’m a lovely dancer. I just would rather chop my own toes off than slow dance at a wedding,” you blurted out, regretting the slip of personal information instantly. 

“And why’s that?”

“Yet another thing that is none of your business,” you smiled. 

“You know, Blue Dress, you need to loosen up a little,” he joked, but that statement always rubbed you the wrong way. 

“Maybe I’ll go ‘loosen up’ somewhere else,” you spat, and began to stand up, but Harrison quickly stood before you and grabbed your forearm gently. 

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it like that, I mean… It’s just a dance, what could you possibly be so afraid of?”

The rest of your his questions did nothing for you. You let out your one word answers as if they were basic reflexes. But this question, it cut you deep. What were you so afraid of? Maybe it was that you might actually feel something. You might actually have this dance, fall in love, start dating, get married, and you would become exactly what your parents became. You were terrified of being stuck, bound to someone for the rest of your life. The images of your parents fighting, your mother crying, and your father leaving all played in your head, just as they often did in your nightmares, and you found yourself speechless for the first time. 

“I promise I’m not as big of an asshole as I may seem,” Harrison chuckled nervously, “One dance, that’s all I’m asking for. Then I can leave you alone if you still want me to.”

You thought for a second. The song playing was one of your favorites. And you had gone on this long without falling for anyone, what was going to change now?

Reluctantly, you let out a soft sigh and nodded your head, letting him take your hand and lead you out to the dance floor. And instantly you regretted it, because although you had claimed that you were “a lovely dancer”, in reality, this would be your first slow dance. 

As Harrison led you out to the dance floor, Kristen watched from the sidelines with Harry, and her jaw dropped to the floor. 

“What the actual fuck?” she exclaimed. She was amazed beyond belief that he had even managed to hold a conversation for as long as he did, but as he led you out to the dance floor, she was almost convinced that she was hallucinating, or dreaming. There was no way she was actually watching this play out in front of her. 

“I guess you owe me £20,” Harry teased, putting an arm around her shoulders. 

“You deserve it for setting that up,” she replied, eyes still wide as she watched. 

“So am I really going to have to call you Blue Dress? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a beautiful nickname, but t doesn’t quite do you justice,” Harrison joked, one hand above your waist and the other holding yours. 

“I’m y/n,” you admitted shyly. Your brain was screaming at you. You knew better than this, so why the fuck were you getting flustered as you went against every belief you had built yourself on. 

“Now that one does you justice,” he smiled, making you roll your eyes. Nevertheless, you laid your head on his chest as you swayed. The drinks were going to your head a bit faster than you had hoped, and you were just glad that you had someone to hold you up. 

When Allie came back into the room, she realized that you weren’t where she had left you, but she spotted Kristen immediately. 

“Hey, have you seen-“ she began, approaching Kristen, but stopped suddenly when she saw what her and Harry were staring at. 

Allie had never seen you so much as look at a guy for more than 3 seconds. You barely had male friends, and you had always had a guard up around the ones you did have. But here you were, drunk at a wedding of all places, slow dancing with a stranger. 

She had no idea how to feel about it. Of course, she wanted to storm in and rescue you, knowing full well that you had somehow been roped into the situation. But you seemed content enough, and she was happy watching you actually engage with someone of the opposite gender without threatening to fight them. It gave her hope that you might get over what your parents had done to your brain. 

As they were staring, the music faded out and someone came up to the mic and started to give a toast to the bride and the groom. You pulled away from Harrison, but remained standing by him. The man with the microphone was speaking of love, and how we all find it in the least expected places. You would have been fine with the speech had it ended there, or had you not been drunk. But when he made a comment along the lines of “hope you don’t hate each other in five years”, the alcohol started to play with your brain. 

A flash of your father calling your mother names to you behind her back when you were 8 years old came to mind. Then a flash of your mother telling you that she hoped you found a better man than your father, but that “all men will end up breaking your heart in the end”. 

Hundreds of those memories started to flood to the forefront of your mind and you froze. Your parents couldn’t even make it five years without hating each other. If they hadn’t had you, you were convinced that they would have split before their 2nd anniversary. But here you were, 20 years later, fucked up from their choices. 

“You alright?” Harrison asked, his hand gripping your elbow to keep you steady. You had completely zoned out, and hadn’t even noticed that the speech had ended and the music had started up again. 

“Uh… yeah, I just-“ you tried to take a step towards your table, but your face turned pale as you stumbled. Harrison’s grasp on your elbow tightened, and he reached his other arm up to steady you. 

“How about we go get a breath of fresh air?”

“No, I-I’m fine. I swear.”

“Y/n come on, we can just step out for a moment so you can catch your breath. Come on.”

All of your basic instincts were telling you to just walk away, just tell him no and find Allie. She always knew what to say or do. But this time was different. You wanted to trust him. You wanted to let him sit you down outside and have a long conversation, and the feeling made you sick. It made you panic. You knew exactly what could happen, yet you took the chance anyway, and here you were, falling for the stranger who had previously been calling you by the color of your dress. 

“See, I told you this was a bad idea,” Allie scolded Kristen as she started to push through the crowd to get to you. She had only seen you panic like this one other time, when your father had called you for your birthday one year and did nothing but complain about how your mother raised you.

She rushed over and nudged Harrison out of the way. 

“Hey, sorry, I can take her from here. Don’t worry, happens all the time,” she rushed, trying to pull you away from the situation. If he had asked, she would just blame it on the alcohol, but he didn’t. He just kept his hand wrapped tightly around your arm. 

“Please, let me help,” he pleaded.

“You really shouldn’t-“

“I insist.”

Harrison kept hold of one arm, and Allie took your other hand in hers. 

They led you outside and they were about to sit you down on a bench near the entrance when you made a decision that you hoped you wouldn’t regret. 

“Hey, Al, can I talk to you for a sec?” you asked, slightly stumbling over words. She gave a pleading look to Harrison and he backed off, giving you your space to talk in private, but staying close enough to help if need be. 

“Could you go back inside? I appreciate the help, but-“

“Wait, what? You want to be left alone? Out here? With him?”

“…Yeah. If that’s alright with you,” you mumbled, a little ashamed that you were going against everything you believed. 

After a beat, Allie sighed and hugged you, grabbing your shoulders as she leaned away and forced you to look at her face. 

“If you need me, I will be right inside those doors. Scream if you have to,” she said, completely serious. 

“I will,” you giggled at her intensity. 

“And y/n?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m proud of you.”

“Don’t get all mushy on me now,” you groaned, “Just go inside, I’ll meet up with you later.”

You watched as she went back inside, and hoped you wouldn’t regret telling her to leave you with Harrison. You felt that you owed him some kind of explanation. 

As you turned to walk towards him, hoping to sit on a bench along the sidewalk with him, you tripped over your own two feet and began to fall. Luckily, Harrison had been walking back towards you already, so he quickly caught you and steadied you. He helped you over to the bench, although you insisted that you could do it by yourself just fine. 

Harrison sat down beside you, leaving a gap so you wouldn’t feel crowded by him. 

“You feeling any better?” he asked after a few moments of silence. 

“I would have been just fine in there.”

“That’s a lie if I’ve ever heard one.”

“Yeah? And what makes you sat that?”

“All the color left your face during that speech. And you zoned out. Where’d you go?”

“That’s hardly any of your business,” you sighed. Sure you wanted to offer an explanation, but old habits die hard. 

“You don’t have to tell me, but can I just make one guess?”

You looked up at him, the lights from the windows reflecting in his eyes, and you nodded. 

“You’re in love with the groom aren’t you?”

You burst into a fit of laughter. Of all the things you thought he could guess, that definitely wasn’t one of them. 

“I’ll take that as a no?” he chuckled, happy to see you smiling. The color had returned to your face, but it may have just been the cold air turning your cheeks and nose red. 

“That’s a no. How did you even come up with that?”

“That speech about their marriage upset you, it made sense,” he defended with a laugh. 

“I guess, but you’re still wrong.”

A silence grew between you again. It was strange, you felt peace next to him. If you let your mind go blank, you would have been content with sitting in that moment forever, but your thoughts had a way of screwing up everything. 

Your need to give him an explanation fled from you, and you started to feel sick to your stomach again. You couldn’t fall for him. You had made it this long avoiding an attachment. You couldn’t start now. 

Before you could make up an excuse to slip away, Harrison spoke up again. 

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure?” 

“I had no chance, did I?”

“What do you mean?”

As you waited for him to elaborate, his expression nearly broke your heart. You hated how this one boy managed to make you feel things you had always shut out. 

“Your friends may have explained to my friend that you aren’t exactly interested in finding someone. And he may have told me.”

You could sense that he was trying to say it in the nicest way possible, and you grew angry knowing that your friends had been involved in this. 

“So what? Was I just a challenge for you?”

“What? No-“

“No, I get it. You just wanted to see if you could do the impossible. I can’t say it hasn’t happened before. Well you did it, and if you don’t mind, I’m going to go get my things.”

You got up from the bench and Harrison watched with wide eyes as you began to walk away. He had only asked a simple question. He had no idea it would have gotten this kind of reaction.  

“Y/n, wait a second,” he called, running after you. He barely stopped you before you reached the door. 

“That’s not at all what this was. I promise.”

“And why should I believe that?”

“Because… I can tell you exactly what this was.”

You stayed silent, challenging him to change your mind. 

“I-I saw you walking out of the ceremony. I pointed you out to my friend Harry because I thought you might be the most beautiful person here. Or maybe the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. I’ve spent the last hour of the reception looking at you, and that might sound incredibly creepy, but… I just really like you. Harry told me you might not go for it, but if I persisted, I might have had a chance. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity.”

You tried to process what he had said, but a mental block wasn’t allowing it. The butterflies in your stomach began to feel like knives, and you wanted to vomit. You couldn’t fall for him. There was no way in hell. 

“Please don’t do this,” you slipped, failing to realize what you had said. 

“Do what?”

“I need to get my things. I-I need to go,” You stuttered as tears began to fill your eyes. 

“Hey,” Harrison spoke gently, reaching a hand up to push the hair out of your eyes, “Can you take a deep breath first?”

Of course you couldn’t take a deep breath. Your entire ideology was crumbling around you. You had built up a shell to keep yourself safe, but Harrison was a hammer and you were one hit away from cracking. 

You began to sob, and Harrison immediately pulled you close to his chest, petting your hair and trying to shush you. He was unsure about what exactly was going on in your mind, but he knew he didn’t want you to be feeling it. 

He led you back over to the bench and sat you down, still holding you against him. Your breathing wouldn’t slow and your tears wouldn’t cease, so he gently pulled away and caressed your face with his hand. 

“Love, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

You shook your head. Even if you weren’t busy sobbing and gasping for breath, you had no desire to come out and say “Oh, I have major issues given to me by childhood trauma and now I am incapable of love!”

“Y/n, please, just try to take a deep breath. Just one. And help me understand what’s going on.”

Harrison guided you through a breath, and waited for some kind of answer to his question. Before you could say anything, you had to hide your face from him. You felt too vulnerable as it was, but him staring you down did nothing for your nerves. 

You dove into his chest and wrapped your arms around his torso, before you whispered, “I’m scared,” against the material of his shirt. 

“You’re safe with me, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“That’s exactly why I’m scared,” you spoke just as quietly as before. 

“I’m not following.”

You finally pulled away and looked him in the eye. You mustered up all of your courage, though you were still sniffling, and spoke. 

“I can’t do this Harrison. You seem like a great guy, and that’s great, but it’s also terrifying.”

“How so?”

“Please don’t make me spell this all out for you,” you pleaded.

“Are you afraid I’ll hurt you?”

“This all seems so dramatic, really, you should just let me go get my things so I can leave.”

“No,” he exclaimed before you could stand, “Please… just help me understand. That’s all I want.”

You tried not to look him in the eye. They were your new weakness. 

“I don’t, can’t, do relationships. I just wasn’t made for it.”

“Then what were you made for?”

“I-I don’t know. Just not this.”

“Y/n, you weren’t made to spend your life in isolation…”

“But what if that’s what I want?”

“That’s no life to live.”

“That’s ultimately my decision.”

“What are you so afraid of?”

“I don’t want to do this.”

You started to hike up the skirt of your dress a bit so you could get up and walk away without tripping again, but Harrison grabbed your hand once again. 

“Why are you shutting down?”

“Because I like you! Okay?! …And I’ve never liked anyone.”

“…Never?”

“No. Never. Not even a little school crush.”

“So what’s different about me?”

“I have no idea, but it’s driving me insane. I’d really appreciate it if you weren’t so goddamn charming.”

“You think I’m charming?”

“Don’t let it go to your head, Romeo.”

He smiled, although he could sense how uncomfortable you were discussing the situation. 

“Look, y/n, I don’t want to ask you to do anything you don’t want to, but if you like someone, why can’t you just go for it? Just give it one shot? Say, one date?”

“I can’t.”

“And why not?”

Your heart should have started racing with nerves, but it almost felt like it had stopped. You felt as if your life had ended right there. Why couldn’t you? It was a good question.

“Because… You might be a good person now, but… Give it five years.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“People change. They always do. And why go through something hard later, when I can just avoid it now?”

“You can’t live your whole life hiding in fear of something that might not happen. I can’t promise you I won’t break your heart, sure, but I can assure you that I’m nothing to be afraid of. I just want one shot, one date. Besides, where has the hiding got you?”

He was right. Hiding had brought you to be a woman in her 20’s who had never even had her first kiss. It had brought you to turn down opportunities that could have turned in to great memories. It had put you in a box, and at this point, you weren’t living. 

“Fine, one date.”

“Wait, really?”

“One! And you better not expect anything to come from it.”

A/N: This was supposed to be for Harrison’s Birthday, but surprise, I was late as usual.

I was considering doing a second part with the actual date, if you would be interested/would like to be tagged, let me know. It’ll be a strong maybe unless you guys actually want it. 

Tags: @embrace-themagic @fanficparker @baconlover001 @chloe-geoghegan1 @chonisberonica @heartbeats-wildly @saturn-aka-six @calum-hoodwinked-me @bucky-newtlock

[timetoresurface]

EXCHANGE / JJK (1)

to give something and receive something of the same kind in return

Note: Something I’ve been dreaming about lately. I really took my time to write this and didn’t rush anything. The beginning is more natural than the last thing I started. I’ve already written ahead this time so more is yet to come. Show some love and don’t hesitate to criticize. @erisann is definitely an angel in disguise helping me getting better, so a little shout out to her for being so nice to me, I really appreciate it :)

Pairing: reader x Jungkook

Genre: romance, non idol AU

Warnings: none

Word count: 2250 words

PART 2 / PART 3 / PART 4 / PART 5 / PART 6 / PART 7

Summary: Yes, you are an exchange student. You noticed EF also organized trips to Seoul and you wanted something different than the same five people in your hometown. You came to the beautiful city to learn and relax, most definitely not to fall in live with one of the teachers. Definitely not the young extracurricular teacher who seemed to be good at everything.

*Y/N = your name *Y/C = your city/country

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

“Hi! I’m Y/N and I’m from Y/C.” You said. Introductions were made and you were the last one to go. “I don’t really have any hobby’s except for my love of k-drama’s and feeding my never-ending craving to learn new things.” All eyes were on you so a little blush crept over your face, nevertheless you continued with a confident smile. “I’m someone who loves to try new things but actually never finishes them as my obsessions are usually quite short-lived.” This was yourself in a nutshell. Nothing special, just an ordinary girl with a passion for life and all it has to offer.

“Thank you for charing Y/N. Now allow me to introduce myself.” The teacher spoke in a very strict tone and to be honest, it kind of scared you. You were going to stay here for five weeks and if the classes weren’t going to be fun, half of your trip would feel like a chore. There was nothing you hated more than obligations. Life was supposed to be enjoyable and any burden was too much. The teacher, you learned, was a forty year old man with a happy family. He loved to teach his language and its ways to foreign people as they have the same spark in their eyes as when children are learning something new. His own introduction was cut short due to someone rudely opening the door without knocking. 

“I’m sorry for being late.” He loudly closed the door and you expected him to take the last seat in the classroom. Instead you were taken by surprise when he went to shake the hand of your teacher and awkwardly stayed next to him. He couldn’t be a teacher, he was far too young to be one and definitely far too handsome. The last part being demonstrated by half of the girls in your class suddenly sitting up straight with a very excited look. All this commotion because of a pretty boy with pretty brown hair and pretty brown eyes. Your typical boy next door. 

“I’m Jungkook and I will be your extracurricular activity guide. I’ll teach you things like dancing, cooking and Korean calligraphy. I’m really excited to get to know all of you better and help improve your Korean along the way.” He concluded his little speech with a crooked smile that seemed to leave some girls without breath. You couldn’t really disagree with the fact that he was extremely good-looking but it was all a little too perfect. A handsome Korean boy with big brown eyes on an all-round pleasing face. His body clothed in all black was equally attractive, but deceptive. He mastered the lethal combination of a friendly face mixed with a bad boy attitude showing through his clothes. It felt like he had jumped out of a cheap romance novel someone would leave behind because of the lack off sex scenes or because of the awkwardness of the virgin writer trying to write an intimate chapter.

“After class you can register for extra courses of your choosing at the information desk. I’ll be there waiting for you.” The girl next to you had troubles keeping her breathing steady and you silently laughed. Women were so easily tricked. You had learned that lesson a long time ago and weren’t really willing to walk that path again.

“If you have questions, please don’t hesitate to ask them.” Jungkook was handing out some papers with extra information about his activities and if there were extra costs involved. When he handed you one of his brochures, his eyes locked with yours. You tried to remain calm and unbothered but deep down your heart wanted to skip a beat. He seemed more affected as the apples of his cheeks turned into the prettiest of pinks. 

“There are some interesting activities recommended to get the best experience of Seoul while you’re here.” These were his last words before he bowed and excited the room rather quickly. Nobody said a word as most of us were charmed by the young Korean, even the few men in your class. Luckily your teacher remained unaffected and simply continued introducing hangul. 

**

You hadn’t spend time in a classroom in a very long time and it showed. Everyone knew how to listen and take notes simultaneously  while you struggled opening the new pen you had recently bought. You could say you were delighted to hear the last bell that marked the end of the planned day and the start of whatever you wanted it to be. Everyone rushed outside and you could take a guess where they were going. They all went toward the information desk in pairs of two and you couldn’t help but feel a bit left out. It was only day two in Seoul and the fact that you hadn’t made any friends yet didn’t trouble you. It just didn’t feel right. You wanted to apply for every extra trip there was but some of them would be more fun with a friend by your side. You seated yourself in the sunlight while reading the paper Jungkook had given you a few hours ago. Some of these were worth thinking about. A weekend trip to Busan, Lotte world, a cruise on Han river, a trip to Jeju Island, to only name a few. The most difficult decision to make was between Busan and Jeju Island as you could only choose one of the two.

“Have you already decided what extra activities you might be interested in?” His voice interrupted your thoughts but you tried not to show.

“No, how can someone choose between Jeju Island and Busan? How do you expect us to decide?” You easily confided. His eyes glistered in the sunlight all the while his face remained serious. 

“Can I sit with you for a while?” He asked you, ignoring your question. You simply nodded your head as annoyance was creeping in your system like a bad virus. Once he was seated next to you on the grass and your legs almost touched he decided to answer your question. “I can not choose for you but I can tell you what I’m more excited about.” An awkward silence was shared between the two of you.

“Please go on.” It felt like he had waited for your spoken permission to continue.

“I am from Busan and I haven’t been back home in over a year. Even after more than a year here in roaring Seoul, I can never forget Busan and the waves crawling gently to the shore. I don’t know if there is a place like that outside Korea, but I can assure you that it will be worth it, you know.” The annoyance you felt before was replaced by sympathy but stirred with a bit of hesitance. Without him realizing, he was already breaking a few walls you had build around yourself. You noticed the wrinkles underneath his eyes and the worry lines on his forehead that made him look a tad bit older. Something inside of you wanted to get to know his motives and reasons for the life he chose.

“Why did you leave?” The question came out as a silent whisper almost blown away by the soft spring breeze. He didn’t look at you and you secretly missed his stare on you.

“I wanted to do something for myself, I guess.” His hand pushed back his brown hair while his eyes squinted trying to look at the sun.

“Most girl here are probably grateful for you choosing this job and Seoul over your beloved hometown.” The remark was made with a giggle and Jungkook laughed too. You would describe his laughter as warm and hearty. People think of laughing as a noise that comes from the mouth, but when Jungkook laughed it was nothing like that. The laugh was in his eyes.

“Most girls? Why not all?” He asked with a huge grin plastered on his face. Or maybe his laugh came from within, maybe it was just the way he was wired that humor was just so easy for him to understand and respond to.

“Some girls think you should do whatever makes you happy, even if they don’t get to see your beautiful face around here anymore.” You quickly stood up as the embarrassment started to settle in after calling him beautiful. “I shall register myself for some activities and I shall keep your advise in mind. Please stay and enjoy the sun.” You quickly excused yourself.

**

“So Y/N, I heard you had a private conversation with the handsome extra activities teacher.” The girl next to you remarked. Your class decided to bond together and not separately so now you were all having dinner somewhere in Seoul. You were all seated together at a round table and the drinks were flowing.

“He just asked me if I had already registered for any trips.” It was the simple truth but everyone seemed a bit disappointed. “But he is handsome so I might have missed a few of his sentences.” You quickly added and this got their attention back.

“Well, Amalia, it seems like we will lose. His heart has already been captured by this beautiful creature next to me. How unfair, she’s pretty and she gets the pretty boy.” Agate, the girl next to you, definitely had a bit too much to drink but the compliments were heartwarming.

“Oh no, but maybe she doesn’t want the pretty boy.” The girl named Amelia said slurring her words a bit. This conversation was getting a bit too weird for your liking.

“No, you girls can have him. Now please excuse me, I have to go to the restroom.” Right after your words the girls shrieked and took another shot out of pure happiness. 

After you had returned from your little break you deliberately seated yourself a bit further away from the shrieking twins. This act didn’t go unnoticed by some of your fellow students.

“I thought American girls were supposed to hold their liquor, or am I wrong?” The person who spoke was a British dude with dyed blonde hair. You took a sip from your drink before speaking.

“I think Americans always like to pretend to be good at everything. Image is everything, I guess.” The boy sure had a nice vibe going on. The blonde hair cupping his face just perfectly and bringing out the blue of his eyes.

“I prefer being good at drinking as it brings people closer. A lot closer than just having a good image.” His words started to slur but the twinkle in his eyes had gotten brighter.

“I prefer being a good drinker. My trade mark, you know, as my image.” The words were coming out slower than your usual quick witted self was so known for. There definitely is something in this Korean liquor that made you go drunk a little bit faster. The conversation with Alfie continued and you weren’t sure if you really got wittier as the evening wore on or if it was just the effect of the liquor making everything seem so much funnier.

You all struggled home together. The shrieking twins were behind telling everyone they loved them, you were clinging onto Alfie’s arm laughing uncontrollably and the others, well, they were also in bad shape. If anyone made it on time to class tomorrow they deserved a medal, and you weren’t going to get one, that was for sure.

“Byebye.” You waived them all goodbye as they struggled getting up the stairs. Luckily for you you didn’t need to struggle with unnecessary steps. No, your room was on the ground floor. But the only problem was to locate the correct room and this task proved to be more difficult than first anticipated. You tried to enter your room code but none of the doors opened. They only gave a red light meaning it was the wrong door or wrong passcode. 

**

After a trillion tries, or that’s how it felt, you seated yourself on the floor. It didn’t take long for your face to touch the cold floor, trying to cool you. You felt the wet hot tears fill up your eyes, your throat closed tight. Finally the tears split over and flowed down your face like a river escaping a dam. 

It felt like hours of you sitting there crying all alone in the dark. You barely noticed a door being opened. You barely felt his hands wiping away the tears that were still running down your face. And you definitely didn’t recognize the boy who the brown eyes belonged to due to the tears still streaming out of the corners of your eyes. He lifted you up so you sat up straight with your back against the wall while he squatted before you still wiping away the tears from underneath your eyes. 

“Hey, what is wrong? What happened?” His eyes showed the kind of gentle concern your mother used to have when you had fallen from your bike. He rested his hand on your shoulder and you let him.

“Korean drinks are dangerous.” Was the only coherent thing you could think of saying. A smile grew on his face as he finally understood the situation. You weren’t hurt, or maybe a little because you did fall of Alfie’s back while he tried to piggy back ride you out of the bar, but Jungkook didn’t know that of course. 

“You can’t find your room?” He whispered softly and you simply nodded your head. 

“I’m not even sure if I have a room. I tried them all and none opened.” You said while closing your eyes. You were getting sleepy as the alcohol was starting to wear off, leaving you with a headache and swollen eyes.

“I don’t know where your room is but I don’t think it is on the ground floor as only people who work here have a small studio.” His explanation made so much sense as all your fellow students had taken the stairs. You tried to hide your embarrassed face with your hands but he quickly grabbed your hands.

“I have a very comfy sofa where you can sleep on tonight and tomorrow I’ll discretely find out where your room is. Sounds like a plan?” From deep inside your chest, through every cell of your body, the warmth welcomed you like an old friend. But it was strange, because you never felt that way before. It kinda scared you, you know? Feeling the cold slowly leaving your heart or maybe it was because of the alcohol you saw a halo hovering above his head. Whatever it was, this boy charmed you more than you liked to admit.

Your eyes were getting heavy again and you could feel Jungkook helping you up and guiding you toward his apartment. He apologized for the mess but you didn’t care as long as you could lay your head on something soft. As long you could fall asleep to the sound of his worrying voice and the smell of his fabric softener, you didn’t mind a single thing. A blanked was draped over you and your shoes were taken but you were already gone to the land of dreams. Zzz

[ren-c-leyn]

The Vampire’s Child

 Since it’s October, I’m bored, and I found a lot of prompts chilling out in my drafts that made up a really good story once I started thinking about it, I decided to do a slightly more Halloweenish story than normal, and may be doing a few more in the near future. =D

 This is a fusion story, my personal nickname for stories done up using multiple prompts from multiple prompt blogs. This particular one was made up of these 1,2,3,4,5,6 by @thependragonwritersguild, these 1,2,3 by @humdrummoloch, and these 1,2,3,4 by @givethispromptatry. 

This one does have fight scenes, death, minor gore, nothing too descriptive, though.

~

 It was a strange fate life had decided to deal me, the half-human child of a vampire lord. A lord that had lived for thousands of years and fought wars every single day of every one of those long years. Today was no different: not for him, at least.

 The halls were silent as I glided through them. The servant’s eyes were downcast, the lesser vampires stood in tight circles, watching me with dull eyes; waiting for the marching orders I’d inevitably bring back from our lord. How could I not when I had been summoned to the war room the night after our enemies had attacked? Had shown us we were not even safe here, in the darkest and grandest of castles?

 They had torn down a tower, lit the stables on fire, and slaughtered a few lesser vampires. But the thing was, it wasn’t just the destruction that made everyone shake, it was knowing that we were at each other’s mercy. Mercy we all knew no vampire, or any other creature of the night, had.

 I rounded the corner and spotted a vaguely familiar figure. Or perhaps, it would have been more accurate to describe him as a familiarly vague figure: Lord Crow, my father’s oldest friend. No one but father knew what he actually looked like beneath the swirling mist of darkness that shrouded him. I remembered him telling me that you could see Lord Crow’s true form when lightening crashed, but I had never been fortunate enough to catch him in the midst of a literal storm.

 The shadowy mass paused in the hall and turned to me.

 “On your way to the war room, Raven?”

 “I am. And you?”

 “Yes, though I doubt it is for the same reason.”

 Ah yes, it had been so long that I nearly forgot that his form was not the only thing vague about him.

 “I see,” I answered simply, already knowing that prying was pointless. He had several centuries on me and was no one’s fool.

 We both continued our silent trip to the war room. He opened the door for me, offering what I assumed was a bow. I gave a small nod in return and stepped through.

 Lesser lords and ladies were gathered around the table, all watching the late comers come in. Father was standing at the head of the table, hands folded behind his back, red eyes nearly glowing in the darkness as I took my seat. 

 It was always dark around father. I could tell exactly when he was near. I still know when Father is coming. The lights go out and the darkness in people gets brighter. It was something that even set other vampires on edge... with exception to Lord Crow, who opted to stand at the opposite end of the table from father and do the unthinkable: speak out of turn.

 “Figures that you would spend all of eternity being a shithead. When will you learn that this isn’t working, Night? We can’t keep this up. We can’t wage war forever, even if we do live that long.”

 “Yes, I am aware of this, Crow, which is why we are ending it for good: tonight.”

 “How?”

 And father answered with his best laid plan. I was to be apart of a task force that would infiltrate the enemy’s castle, and kill their head vampire, Lady Nyx, as well as the rest of their lords and ladies, before pushing the underlings to either join, flee, or die. He made it sound so simple, like pruning some great, overgrown tree. Defeat wasn’t a possibility.

 The meeting ended, and the lords and ladies went to issue orders. Only father, Lord Crow, and I remained.

 “Remember, Raven, I am counting on you. The others believe you beneath them, that your mother’s blood makes you weak. You know that is not true, I know it is not true, now is your chance to force them to accept it is not the truth.”

 “Yes, father,” I replied as I rose from my seat. “I will make mother proud.”

 And he smiled, pale fangs a stark contrast to the darkness around me.

 “And it shall be so. Now go, prepare yourself for battle.”

 I gathered my finest equipment, things other vampires, including father, were fearful to wield. My human blood was a great asset in my role as the enforcer. I could use vampire hunter’s tools with far less fear than the rest. It made up for the slower speed and reduced strength, didn’t it?

 I shook the thought off. Of course it did. I would make sure it did. Then no one would slander mother’s name. Never again.

 I joined the others and we set out to the enemy castle, just blurs in the night. It wasn’t hard to get in. Their guard was down and they were still celebrating their victory over us. We wandered in and split apart, just like we planned. Nyx’s head was mine, and the others would deal with the weaklings.

 I roamed through the raptors for a while, making full use of the shadows and the noise where I could. Several minutes later, I found my target: the queen’s chambers. Slipping inside was easy enough, catching her by surprise obviously wasn’t.

 A knife had left a bloody trail on my cheek as I rolled out of the way. Then a sword glittered through my vision as I ducked again, drawing my silvered blade. There was the thunderous clash of swords.

 “Well, well, if it isn’t the little Raven. What can I do for you, love?” she spoke softly, mockingly.

 I smiled politely at her.

 “You can die.”

 “Ah, I don’t think so, dear.” 

 “What a shame,” I replied before kicking her in the gut.

 She barely budged under my power, and applied pressure to her sword to force me back. But I wouldn’t die, I wouldn’t lose. 

 I broke the lock and slashed savagely at her, doing my best to keep up with her speed. It only just dawned on me that this woman was a vampire lord, head of her clan. She would be on par with father. Another visage of death in physical form.

 And I felt it. Particularly when I went crashing through her chamber wall into the next room. But my persistence was slowly paying off. Every little nick with my silvered blade burned her like acid and fire, and was slowly sapping her strength. After some time passed, she was almost down to my speed, and was an easy kill.

 But something about the look in her eyes as I drove the blade through her heart bothered me. Fear. I saw... fear. Vampires... didn’t have fear, or mercy, they couldn’t. Father said they couldn’t. Or could they? 

 I had almost convinced myself I had been projecting my own nerves onto her when I spotted something odd on her bed. I picked it up, staring in disbelief. I held my enemy’s old teddy bear. And I realized even she was vulnerable once. Maybe she still was....

 I glanced at the body and then back at the little brown bear. Somehow, I had wandered downstairs with it still in my hand, listening to the screams and sounds of battle echoing through the halls. This... conflict I was feeling was new, and I was trying to figure out why this was starting to bother me all of a sudden. I had grown up with these sounds, I knew war. But the carnage didn’t look as black and white when reflected off of the shiny button eyes of an old stuffed toy.

 A body fell in front of me and I paused, looking up to see the shadowed figure of Lord Crow.

 “What did you do to them?” I asked as I looked around.

 “What I had to,” he replied, notes of remorse in his voice.

 Regret, another thing father said vampires couldn’t feel. I guessed he was wrong about that too.... 

 A moment of silence passed before Crow spoke up again.

 “Has Nyx fallen?”

 I nodded.

 “I see... I suppose we win, then.”

 “There’s nothing quite like victory,” I mumbled, staring down at the bear.

 “This hardly counts as a victory.”

 I looked up at him.

 “But we defeated her, right?”

 “And took the lives of many servants, lesser creatures, and other peoples who would never have posed a threat.”

 “But isn’t the victory worth it?”

 He shook his head.

“At the end of the day, it’s what you do that counts.”

“This event does not speak highly of you then,” I said, looking back down at the bear.

“I never said it did.”

 There was a moment of silence before I looked back up at him. Maybe he could help me figure out what this feeling was. He was like an uncle, and easier to talk to about these things than father.

 “Can I be real with you for a second?”

 “Sure.”

 “I’m starting to doubt if this is worth it. All of this...” I trailed off and gestured at the blood splatter. “It... it doesn’t feel right.”

 And I swore I could see the outline of a smile in the dark fog.

 “Because it isn’t, and I’m glad at least you’ve figured it out.”

 “But... why do we do it, if it isn’t right?”

 “Our lord demands it.”

 I processed the thought and nodded.

 “So, what do we do to stop it?”

 “Change his mind or change our course. I shall be changing my course. What will you do, Raven?”

 I ran my fingers over the worn fur of the teddy bear.

 “I think... I’ll try changing his mind.”

 “You’ll fail.”

 I shrugged.

 “Perhaps. Perhaps I will succeed.”

 “For his sake, I hope you do.”

 I planned my speech all the way back to the castle, going as far as to walk at human speeds for a while to buy myself some more time to put the words together. But, I wasn’t sure if I could convince him when I still didn’t entirely know myself why I didn’t want to fight anymore. On nights like this... I missed mother.

 But I didn’t have time to lament losses past, or fear the future. I only had enough time to think of a plan. And even that wasn’t enough.

 I was in the war room, face to face with father before I had finished thinking it through, Nyx’s bear still in my bloodied hands.

 “Ah, you’ve returned sooner than I expected. Tell me, what have you to report?”

 I opened my mouth, and hesitated. It was now or never, and I almost chose never. Almost.

 “I have come to the conclusion that... that this is pointless.”

 He stared at me, red eyes narrowing in confusion.

 “That fighting is pointless,” I clarified. “We... we have become no better than them. Just... just butchering people who couldn’t hurt us, and for what? Revenge? But... is revenge actually right, father? Because I don’t think it is. I think it’s wrong. In fact, I think I remember mother telling me it was wrong, a long time ago. Don’t you know the difference, between right and wrong?”

 “I know the difference between right and wrong,” he snapped quietly. “One is resigning yourself to getting stepped on and the other is the person doing the stepping. I tried to tell your mother, but she did not listen. She stayed so very kind and sweet and good until they stepped on her and put her light out.”

 “Because they were wrong,” I replied. “Just like we’re wrong now.... I, I think.... Well, that we didn’t choose hate because it lasts longer. We chose it because it felt important. Because we’re never more sure of ourselves than when we have an enemy. But, we didn’t have to hate.”

 “And what would you have me do?! That clan killed your mother.”

 “Let go of the past.”

 “Do you think it’s that easy?!”

 “Yes. Nyx wasn’t even the head when mother died, right? She was... new. And we attacked her first, no? We could have stopped it a long time ago. Ended with the ones that did wrong.”

 I looked up and realized that he was walking away.

 “I need you to look at me when I’m speaking so I know you at least tried to hear me!”

 “I will not listen to the words of a traitor.”

 Traitor... traitor. The word rung in my head for a while as I stood alone in the war room for a while. Eventually, I returned to my room and packed my things. And I stepped out into dawn’s light for the first time since I was a small child and mother was alive, holding Nyx’s teddy bear.

 “If turning my back on darkness is a betrayal, then I guess I am a traitor.”

 And I walked towards the sun, deciding to follow Lord... No, Uncle Crow’s suggestion. And maybe I could make mother proud this way, somewhere under the light. 

[stormcrawler75]

Heart’s Heroes Part 4

Summary: Virgil and Remy go to school and meet their new teacher.

Characters: Remy, Virgil, Roman, Logan, and Patton.

Warnings: Brief mentions of nightmares, torture, and swearing.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 This is Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

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Remy yawned and scrubbed at his eyes sleepily. In his opinion, it was much too early for anyone to be awake. Why the heck the school system thought that eight o’clock was a valid time for any self-respecting teenager to be awake was beyond him. How did they expect him to both fight crime and get a good grade in all of his classes? Ridiculous, that’s what they were.

Virgil leaned forward from the seat behind Remy and whispered to him, “Ms. Georgina’s late today. You think she’s coming in?”

Remy glanced back to his friend and grinned. “Well if she’s not, we’re legally allowed to leave in fifth-teen minutes.”

Virgil laughed and punched Remy’s shoulder lightly. “That’s not true, Goof!” He shook his head and poked Remy’s seatmate in the shoulder. “Hey, mind switching seats with me?”

Remy barely took in Virgil switching seats with the girl next to him until Virgil was pulling him to his side. “It’s ironic,” Virgil murmured. “That’s you have the power of Sleep Inducement and yet you never catch a wink of it yourself.”

Remy closed his eyes and shrugged. “Irony’s a bitch, Darling, you know that.” He snuggled close to Virgil and said through another yawn, “I say if she doesn’t show up in a few minutes than we head over to Ro’s and spend the day sleeping.”

Virgil nodded and rested his head against Remy’s. “Yeah, fine. We’ll need it for tonight anyway. Roman wants to do some patrolling with us.” He chuckled at Remy’s answering groan. “Hey, dude. Our fault for deciding to follow in that Drama Queen’s footsteps.”

“Guess you’re right,” Remy muttered. He cracked his eyes open and fumbled with his phone, hissing at the bright light when he turned it on. “We got four minutes before we’re ditching. Ms. G better not show up at the last minute or I’m gonna flip.”

“Yeah,” Virgil replied softly. He sounded just as tired as Remy did, maybe more. Though, Remy thought that he should’ve expected that. Poor Gurl was tortured just a few days ago. He was probably still recovering from it.

Remy glanced at his phone and shook Virgil off of him. “C’mon, bae. Let’s get packed up.”

Virgil moaned but nodded. The two of them started to get packed up and a girl glared at them from across the room. “Are the two of you leaving?” She hissed. “We're supposed to wait for the teacher.”

“Yeah, well, she’s supposed to be on time,” Remy said carelessly. “Listen, Kayla, Gurl, I ain’t waiting around for Ms. Georgina to show. I’m tired and me and VeeVee here,” he clapped Virgil on the shoulder lightly, “are gonna catch up on some well-deserved sleep.”

Kayla crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. “Ugh, really? You’re skipping class to sleep?” She scoffed and shook her head in disgust. “No wonder everyone thinks you’re both gonna be dropouts. Losers.”

Virgil gave her a dry look. “I’m sorry, I don’t speak snooty bitch. At least, not this early in the morning.” He slung his backpack on his shoulder and ignored Kayla’s huff of outrage. “C’mon, Rem. Let’s get going before we get caught by a hall monitor.”

“Sounds good,” Remy drawled, taking a little enjoyment in the look of annoyance Kayla sent his way. He grabbed Virgil’s arm to leave but they hadn’t even taken a step before the door was opened and a man in dress pants, a dark polo shirt, and glasses stepped inside.

“Good morning, class,” the man said. He was looking down at his shirt, adjusting his tie. Virgil and Remy took one look at each other and scrambled back into their chairs, both pretending to not hear Kayla snickering as they did so.

The man looked up and Remy made sure to put on a face that just screamed, ‘I totally got eight hours of sleep last night and am ready to learn!’ “I am sorry for my tardiness which won’t happen again. Luckily, we have only missed twelve minutes of class time so we still have plenty of time to dedicate to learning.”

He walked over to his desk and set his briefcase on it before turning to the chalkboard and writing “Mr. Logan” on it in big, blocky letters. “My name is Logan Abbott and you will call me Mr. Logan. Mr. Abbott was my father and I will not respond to that name.” Mr. Logan turned on his heel and surveyed his new class. “Are there any questions before I continue?”

Kayla promptly raised her hand. “Where’s Ms. Georgina?”

Mr. Logan raised an eyebrow. “She’s decided to take a leave of absence for reasons that I assume are very personal. I will be your History teacher for the rest of the year.”

Virgil raised his own hand and Mr. Logan’s eyes snapped to him. Remy felt a shiver go down his spine. He almost felt like the teacher was scanning his friend and the feeling didn’t go away when Mr. Logan’s eyes flicked over to him before landing back on Virgil. “Yes, Mr?”

Virgil answered. “My name’s Virgil Shae. And I was wondering if we’d be sticking to the same lesson plan Ms. Georgina had for us.”

Mr. Logan studied Virgil for a few more moments before turning back to the chalkboard and writing down a lesson plan that everyone, except Remy, scrambled to write down in their notes. Remy lazily picked up his phone and snapped a picture.

“We will be deviating from it a little,” Mr. Logan confessed. “For the most part, we will be sticking to it. However, there are a few things that I plan to change. For now, we will be continuing with what you have been learning thus far. So please put your textbooks away.”

The students all glanced at each other in confusion. “You,” Kayla began hesitantly, “want us to put away our textbooks?”

Mr. Logan placed his piece of chalk down and turned around. “Yes. We will be watching a historical documentary this morning and we have no need for the textbooks. I plan to use the textbook as little as possible actually. I will be assigning readings for you to study that I will provide myself.” He narrowed his eyes when no one moved to put away their textbooks. “I’d prefer to start the documentary as soon as possible. So please, put your textbooks away.”

Virgil sent Remy an amused look, grabbed his textbook and shoved it in his bag. Remy quickly followed and Mr. Logan nodded approvingly at them. Kayla and a few other grumbled in annoyance but everyone followed their lead.

If this was how all classes were gonna be, Remy figured that History class was gonna get a whole lot more interesting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’m telling you, he’s amazing!”

Roman watched his younger friend fondly as Virgil waved his hands around as he told his story. The bruises along Virgil’s neck had faded to a dull yellow since his run-in with the Dragon Witch and he almost seemed back to normal. If it wasn’t for the nightmares he had every night, Roman would think that Virgil hadn’t been affected at all. So it was nice to see Virgil wearing a real smile for once instead of a fake one. Even if it was just because of some new teacher.

“Mr. Logan, huh?” Roman asked. He took a sip of his apple juice and raised an eyebrow. “Got a crush there, Vee?”

Virgil sputtered uselessly and Roman and Remy both laughed at the pink blush staining Virgil’s cheeks. Remy snickered and slapped the lunch table the three of them were sitting at. “All kidding aside. Ro, he really is something. Got a head on his shoulders and that documentary he showed us actually taught us something.”

“Ahh,” Roman sighed. “I remember when I got to watch documentaries. Now, my teachers just give us lectures. You Niners are lucky that you don’t have to deal with that yet. You’re so lucky.”

Virgil and Remy shared a long-suffering look. “Yeah, yeah, you’re suffering, we know,” Remy drawled. “Now, why don’t you tell us what we’re doing tonight?”

Roman immediately turned serious. “Shhhh,” he hissed. “Not so loud.” Roman looked around before continuing, “We’re patrolling the east side, okay?”

“Sounds good,” Virgil yawned.

Roman narrowed his eyes and pointed at him. “You’re taking a nap tonight before we leave. You too, Rem! Understand?”

Virgil nodded warily. “Yeah, fine.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Logan ushered his last class of the day out of the room before he firmly closed the door. He fished out a key from his breast pocket and locked it.

There. Now he could begin his real job here.

He walked over to his desk and sat back down. Logan opened up his laptop and started back up on the file he had started after his first class. Remy Somnum’s picture stared back at him and Logan wrote down the information he had collected on him through his observation. It didn’t take long to write down the few things he had learnt about the boy (Seems to not be on a proper sleep schedule. Good friends with Shadow both in and out of the mask.) and then he closed Remy’s file, placing it on his desktop right next to Virgil Shae’s.

Logan leaned back in his chair and stared at the two files. He would have to find a good way to observe Roman Abgabe as well at some point during the school day. All of the classes he had been assigned to teach were for Freshmen, not Seniors. Perhaps he’d have to volunteer to oversee a Senior study period. Anything to get close enough to Roman Abgabe’s to properly study him.

The phone suddenly started vibrating across his desk and Logan scooped it up. He answered it and held it against his ear. “Logan Abbott.”

“Hi, Lolo!”

Logan sighed in a mix of fondness and exasperation at the familiar voice. “Greetings, Patton. I have done what you asked of me. I hope that this finally makes us even.”

“Of course, Kiddo,” Patton chirped. “Completely and totally! You got into the school okay?”

“It was laughably easy,” Logan said smugly. “I forged some papers and talked my way through the Principal. The bribe I left with the School Board will smooth everything else out. I’ve gotten into Sleep and Shadow’s class and spent part of the morning observing them. I’ll find a way to do the same with Prince’s.”

Patton made a happy sound over the phone. “Perfect! Oh, did you make that neat invention you were telling me about?”

“Indeed.” Logan glanced out the window to watch the clear sky outside. “Using the bugs I’ve planted throughout the school I was able to overhear where your little Heroes will be going tonight. I’ll send my new drones out to watch over them as they work. No other villains will harm them with my drones there.” He looked back down to his computer and made a copy of the two younger Heroes files. “I’ve started files on Shadow and Sleep and I’m sending them over now. I’ve included a few things that you may like to know.”

“You’re the best friend ever!” Patton gushed. “Thank you so much!”

“It was hardly any trouble,” Logan said dismissively. “Really, I’ve been planning to go back to teaching anyway. I have no problem making some observations on a few Heroes as I do so.” He laughed and shook his head. “I just don’t understand why you’re taking such an interest in these Heroes. Don’t you usually fight the Negotiator?”

Patton sighed. “Yeah, I do. But I’m not about to let children run around the streets and get tortured! They really are doing a lot of good work, Lolo. Crime on the street has decreased a lot since Prince started.”

Logan made a sound of understanding. He had been setting up the email to Patton and pressed send. “I’ve sent the emails. But, you’ve raised another question. Prince turns eighteen on June the fourth. Does your protection over him end then?”

“Logan, I’m surprised at you,” Patton scolded. “Do you really think an eighteen-year-old isn’t still a kid? He’s too young and he’s seen too much. My protection over him stays the same.” He suddenly brightened. “Anyway, I’m planning to do something soon that will make sure that there’s no need for me to worry about other villains going after them!”

“Really?” Logan chuckled. “I doubt they’d want to join you. And are you really going to try and adopt them? You’ll have quite a fight on your hands.”

“Not unless they want me to,” Patton said easily. “But, I’ve got a more permanent solution. I’m gonna get all the other villains locked inside a deep, dark hole and then throw away the key. How you feel about betraying some of your other clients for me? I know that we’re even-steven now but I’d really appreciate your help.”

Logan hummed and drummed his fingers on his knee. He eventually smirked and said, “You always do pay quickest and you even leave tips when I sell you things. I suppose that grants you help in your endeavour.”

General Taglist

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SuperHero AU

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@guardian-of-cookies​

@everyoneprotector​

@spookilyfingergunsoutofexistence

[sawyersick]

all the questions for that ask game!!! (or as many as you want lol)

holy fuck bee............................. ok get red E its a Lot

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

Idk what I would say but I probably wouldn’t be that freaked out... the last person I texted is a good friend/coworker and I trust him

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

I uhhh can’t remember who the last person I kissed was because it was years ago but let’s assume it was my ex..... he was a toxic pos who tore me down because he had low self esteem so yeah I don’t really like him

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

I would be upset if it was anything more than weed or the ocassional drink or if it was a full blown addiction and I would be mad if they didn’t tell me on principle...

 Also I would not be very comfortable if they did it around me because I’m a weenie despite hanging out in hardcore punk groups...... also I can’t stomach the smell of cigarettes im sorry

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

nope! 

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober, I don’t drink

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

like..... as a significant other? I guess. I’m pretty bad at telling my feelings to people and I’m kinda clingy when I like someone. idk if I’ve ever *explicitly* messed it up tho

7. What does your last received text say?

“sick” and then the sparkly heart emoji five times 

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

lots and lots and lots.... unfortunately. we were together for a year and a half

9. Where was your last kiss at?

fuck bitch I don’t remember.............. school? my house? his house? the pool??? man the last five months of that relationship were affection-less

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

I don’t have one!

11. What do you drink in the morning?

water and sometimes tea

12. Where did you sleep last night?

the car and then my bed when I got home

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

I mean everything takes effort... I don’t find it hard to do things for people in my relationships but I get frustrated when it isn’t reciprocated and I burn out

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

nah

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

yes....................... many..........................

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

I TRIED to be a good emo and like the rain but tbh I get really reasonally depressive so I prefer the sun 100%

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

nope!

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans!

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

hopefully!! I met this real cute punk boy last night

20. Does anyone like you?

HA I doubt it......... I usually come off as the little sister type to most people

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nope! 

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

probably

I suspected that he had internalized homophobia but also he was weirdly transphobic to me so I dropped it and pretended to be a cis girl around him which is weird because I think he liked boys??????????????????

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

YES this girl from high school who talked about tentacle porn to school admins for no reason and did lots of other weird shit 

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yes! I have a whale on my hip and I want to get tiny scissors on my arm soon

25. In the past week have you cried?

yes I watched queer eye and a disney movie lol

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

I follow like 12 samoyeds on instagram but the last dog I saw irl was this ADORABLE black lab who was a service dog and he rested his head on his human’s lap when she sat down in the library and I wanted to cry

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

I have a towel hanging right out side the shower so I grab it, then step out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

hm idk I think so? I definitely kissed a guy who played tennis but he forced it on me so I don’t count it

29. Do you think you’re old?

yes because I hate tiktok

30. Do you like text messaging?

I don’t mind it!! The service at my house sucks tho so I prefer cloud based texting like instagram or facebook messenger

31. What type of day are you having?

A good but slow one! I had a really good night last night so I’m just resting now

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

I’d honestly rather get snake bites if I were to get a piercing but in general I’m afraid of facial piercings

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

warm! then I can head down to the lake :)

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

yes! he’s one of my best friends and I talk to him every day and he lives in scotland and I’d like to meet him one day

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship! Flings personally make me feel icky and I’m over that

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

I’d like to think I’m complicated but I’m a simple man..................... you show me whale, I like

37. What song are you listening to?

any song by Liily, all day every day

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

yes! I perpetually feel bad about everything!!!!!!39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

there was! but not anymore because she ghosted me for no reason40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

This person is so cute and kind and creative and nice and sweet and fashionable!!!! and fun to mosh with!!!!!41. When did you last receive a text message?

half an hour ago ish???42. What is wrong with you right now?

I am constantly depressed and there’s nothing I can do about it exceot keep myself insanely busy but that means there’s no breather for me and also I probably have adhd but can’t afford a therapist43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

FeMaLe dude just say chick

pretty well! I like her favourite band and we talk like once a week at the very least44. Does anyone disgust you?

yes my ex was very nasty and tore people down to his level and also this one person from high school who fucked over my friends 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

depends on who.... eye emoji............. but probably yes I have low standards46. Are you in a good mood right now?

yes!47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my parents? but other than that it was thanking Nick from the band Unpopular Opinion for the lovely tabling opportunity last night48. What color shirt are you wearing?

white T shirt with a cat pink sweater with a cat49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

yes one of my parents says nasty things when in a bad mood50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yes my former best friend who ghosted me and this girl who keeps flaking on plans with me and also a boy who got mixed up in weird drama with me and his ex that I never wanted to be a part of51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

I’ve never really falen hard for anyone, just periods of obsession. I guess I’m waiting for that one sPeCiAl sOmEoNe

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

yes, but I’ll settle for waiting53. Do you like rain?

a little of it!54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

I’d rather they not be a alcholoic because I had a raging drunk coworker who scared the shit out of me once but I guess I’d be okay with the ocasional drink/drunk night as long as they’re safe55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

So many times... I keep my mouth shut because it would never work for one reason or another...... also I’m so SICK of having to make the move all the time I just want to be fawned over I’ve never had anyone do ANYTHING romantic for me 56. Do you like to cuddle?

.......................yes57. Are you shy?

not normally! I LOVE being social but in relationships yeah because I’m insecure58. Do you get along with girls?

yes? girls who don’t get along with girls are lame...... lift each other up don’t tear yaselves down59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

nope! But I’ll admit I thought about it haha60. What do you carry with you at all times?

chapstick, money, and pepper spray

ya boy don’t mess around61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

depends on the haunted levels, as long as the “ghost” would only watch/appear and not scream or whatever or try to make contact I guess that would be fine? but if It tries to disturb me I’m yeeting mysef the fuck outta here because ya boy needs uninterrupted beauty rest62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

yep! I dragged one out for a year and a half when I really should have ended things much sooner than that63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

nope! Been single for around two years now64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

YES HOLY SHIT65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

I fired some pieces in my pottery class! my mugs and bowls came out so well

and I met the cutest punk boy last night!!!!!! he’s so cute and very my type and I got to dance with him in the mosh pit!!!!!!!!!! tell me that’s not the cutest punk thing ever

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

19, 18(17???), and 21

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    

I’ve only gotten them done once! It was very enjoyable but I’m a cheapskate so I’d probably rather do them myself68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

leopard print I guess69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

one! A turtle from the Maui Ocean Center. I’d like to add a few more sea-related ones and maybe a totoro I bought at a con a few years back70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    

literally who the fuck even are these people71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?   

android 4 lyfe72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

never? my DnD group would get round table or little caesars73. Do you like diet soda?    

I guess? I like it the same as diet soda74. What color are the walls in your room?    

one purple wall and the other three are pastel mint75. Are you 16 or older?    

yeah baybee76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?  

nope  77. Do you have a job?   

yep! I’m a windsurfing instructor   78. What are your initials?    

ZSKMTS

but usually I go by SS79. Did you ever have braces?    

nope! I’ve got near-perfect teeth :D80. Are you from the south?    

nope!

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    

I talked about meeting my favourite band again!82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?

no because he forced himself on me when we were young and I think he remembers and is ashamed and also doesn’t live near me anymore    83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

idk, I’m close but not in different ways with both of them84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

I was really good at the tumbling unit in 6th grade85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?   

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? I don’t go to the movies much 86. Do you smoke?    

no the smell of cigarettes makes me want to vomit87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

I love heels but I LIVE in flip flops bc california88. Is your phone touch screen?    

yes???? damn when was this ask game made89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?  

straight.......... I’m too lazy to curl it  90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?  

nope! I’m a weenie  91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

the ocean!!!!!!!! But I guess a pool bc I’m afraid of the flesh eating bacteria in freshwater lakes92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

no but I HAVE made out on some random person’s lawn lmao93. …Had sex in a car?  

no I’m a virgin  94. Are you single or in a relationship?   

single pringle who loves to mingle 95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    

selling my art and listening to cool bands and dancing with cute punk people!!!96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? 

the day after the fourth of July   97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

yes! I just got a new phone and the camera is way better than my old one

the low lighting setting is  c r i s p 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?  

I made out with this one friend of mine like twice and then I never did it again bc I felt icky  99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

no I don’t drink100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    

NAH BRO YOU GOTTA UNFRIEND THE FUCK OUTTA THEM NO RAGRETS 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

nope I’m a virgin102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    

Liily? did you mean Liily???? my favourite Liily song is Wash, Toro, or The Weather103. Do you have any tan lines right now?  

yeah one from the ring I wear every day  and like a shorts tan from summer104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

hell yeah but ONLY if the cowboy boots are bright red or hot pink no exceptions

[ill-skillsgard]

Patterns in the Ivy, Part 4 - Bill Skarsgård

Title: Patterns in the Ivy

Description: A continuation of Smoke & Money. Ghosts from the not-so-distant past come back to threaten her. She must choose between a lavish life of servitude or have everything she ever loved stripped away.

Warning: 18+ smut/swearing/mentions of drugs/kink & fetish themes

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12

I was thankful that Bill had a black tinted window preventing his driver from seeing into the back seat of the car. Almost as soon as we drove away from the restaurant, Bill had his hands all over me again. This time, instead of his sneaky fingers finding their way underneath my skirt, he pulled the front of my dress down and fondled my breasts until my nipples were hard enough for him to suck on. He would enclose his mouth around one, flicking his tongue over it and moaning while gently squeezing and kneading the other with his hand. When he pulled back he had this evil look on his face and that was when he gave one of my nipples a little smack. It wasn't enough to hurt but it was enough for me to let out a slight gasp. He got down on the floor in front of me, positioning himself between my legs as he lifted the hem of my dress up over my hips. He grasped my thighs and pulled me closer to him until I was almost hanging off the edge of the leather seat. With two fingers, he massaged my clit and moaned, enjoying the way it looked when he played with me. I was aching to be penetrated but Bill had other plans. He ran those two fingers back and forth over my most sensitive spot until my thighs started spasming around him then he pulled back and started gathering spit on his tongue so he could coat my pussy with saliva, making me all the wetter for him. He moaned insatiably after his spit landed precisely where he wanted it to. I watched in shock and arousal as he lapped up all the liquid he had given me and wound back to do it again. "Daddy loves the taste of his little girl's sweet pussy." He whispered against me, his words not only sounding hot, but running through me like the teasings of a vibrator. "Does she like having her pussy eaten?" "Yes Daddy. Fuck yes." "Mm, such a good girl." He moaned over me again. He let his tongue drag up from my opening right to my clit where he drew hard, deliberate circles to keep my attention solely on him. I was mesmerized by his eyes and his beautiful face buried between my legs, tongue stimulating me so much I could feel blood pulsing in me, awakening my every last nerve. "You've been so good for me tonight and I can't get enough of this juicy little cunt." He murmured, keeping up seamlessly with his power trip of obscenities. "Daddy..." I whined as he flicked his tongue up and down my slit, lapping up any and all of the wetness he was coaxing out of me. When he used his mouth to smother my clitoris and began to gently suck on it I almost lost it. All I needed was a few more seconds of him doing precisely that and I would have come. He noticed how quickly I was approaching an orgasm and stopped. "Don't come yet," He said but he did not stop teasing me with his tongue. "Don't you come little girl." My legs shook involuntarily and I couldn't just stop what I was feeling. I wanted to listen to him but it was impossible beneath the slippery little patterns he drew over me with his tongue. It was pure torture and when I got too close to the edge I pulled back, causing him to purr and grip my outer thighs. "Good girl. Don't come yet. I know you love Daddy's mouth on you but you have to control yourself." I breathed in and felt myself withdrawing from the edge of the orgasm he had almost brought me to. When he pulled away to deliver a few swift smacks to my aching clit I whined and tried to snap my legs shut. The sensation was so intense that I had to escape it but there was nowhere for me to go. He pulled my legs apart again with a low growl, eyed me up and gave me another long, tantalizing lick, never taking his eyes from mine. "Jesus..." I whined beneath the ardor of his givings. Bill flashed me that pernicious smile, the one that told me I was going to be in for a long night. It was just like the night we had spent together in that motel back on the West Coast only we were a mess in the backseat of his Lincoln heading back into town. He decided to give me a little break, took a seat beside me and allowed me to close my legs. The wetness felt all the more noticeable since I wasn't wearing anything underneath and I squirmed in my seat. He threaded his fingers through mine and sat back as though he had done nothing but been a gentlemen the entire endurance of the evening. Looking down at his burnished watch, he gave the illusion that he was becoming impatient. "Now the choice is yours whether you want to come back to my hotel with me or if you would prefer to go home." I blinked at him, surprised he was even entertaining the idea of allowing me to have a choice. I almost didn't know what to do with it. He could see my trepidation and squeezed my hand in his gently. When I looked down at our hands interlaced together, I knew that I didn't want to part ways with him. "Come home with me?" I asked. "Yes," his answer was brief as though he already knew what I was going to say and had the word prepared on the tip of his tongue. Bill pressed the button to lower the window so he could speak to his driver. "I'll be accompanying Miss J home tonight. Send a car in the morning." The driver looked into the rear-view mirror and nodded his head wordlessly. Bill closed the window again and gave me a strange look. "What?" I asked. "I'm not going to do the things I want to do to you with our daughter in the next room." He said to me. "Are you sure you don't want to spend the night at my hotel?" I didn't want Bill to think I was going to be nothing but a sex slave to him. I had moved on from that vulnerable person that I used to be. Nothing turned me on more than what he could do and say to me but I wasn't going to pretend that he was the only thing that existed. I think he understood this too. He was honoring me with the gift of choice again. As much as I appreciated the effort he was putting into making me feel like I was his equal, I still had my reservations. "What would you rather do?" I asked him. "See your four-year-old daughter or go back to your hotel?" He didn't really look at me but he did let go of my hand so he could coil his arm around my shoulders. We sat like that until the car pulled up in front of my quaint little townhouse. Bill let us both out and waved off the driver. I saw that one of the lights was still on in the house so I assumed that Kiki was still awake. Among all of the time Bill had spent toying with me, I forgot to tell Kiki what the plans were for the night. I reached into my purse to get my keys but Kiki opened the door before I could produce them. She looked shocked to see me and even more shocked to see Bill standing behind me. "Oh, fuck. Sorry. I thought I heard somebody outside and I wasn't sure if you were coming back, J." "It's okay." I laughed. Kiki's eyes had a hard time staying off of Bill. He noticed this and offered his hand to shake hers. "Hello," Bill said. "Kiki, this is Bill. Bill, Kiki." "Nice to meet you," Kiki said semi-nervously. After we entered and I set my purse down on the table Kiki looked like a light bulb went off in her head. "Okay, well I guess if you guys are here there's no need for me to be here too. Ivany's been asleep for a while now." I smiled at Kiki who was jumping her gaze back and forth between us, itching to say something to me but unsure if she should since Bill was standing right there. "Thanks Keeks. We'll talk tomorrow?" I asked her. Nodding her head she replied, "yeah girl. For sure. You two have a nice night." "Oh, hang on a moment," Bill piped, reaching into his back pocket for his wallet. I avoided staring directly into his Dupont leather billfold as he pulled a hundred dollar note from its confines. Kiki breathed in sharply, casting me a look of disbelief. "For helping so much with Ivany. I truly appreciate it." Bill said to my best friend. Kiki reached out and took the hundred dollar bill and started to laugh a little. "Holy shit. J never pays me!" "Hey! You refuse money from me every time. I practically have to cram it in your pocket." I defended myself. "Your money doesn't come out of a fancy leather wallet though," She said jokingly. Bill gave a charming laugh and held his hands behind his back as though he were the most modest man around. I rolled my eyes at the both of them. "Alright you two. I guess I'll see you tomorrow." Kiki signed off. I thanked her again before she left and once the door was shut and locked I turned to Bill to gage where the rest of the night would take us. He held his hand out for me to take and pulled me into a tight embrace, leaning me back so he could run his hand over the curve of my ass. He squeezed at the same time he pressed a kiss to the side of my neck. "Let me see her?" He asked. "Of course." He let go of me and followed upstairs and we opened her bedroom door quietly. Her butterfly night-light cast an orange glow over the walls. I stayed at the doorway as Bill stepped into the room, taking care not to make too much noise. I nodded at him when he looked back at me. Ivany hardly moved as her Father sat down on the edge of her bed and ran his fingers through her brown locks. He leaned over and kissed her forehead tenderly. It was enough to make my heart skip a beat. When I thought of Bill on his own I pictured this entity of pure seduction and power, a man that could reduce me into servitude with a lick of his lips. But when I saw them together it wasn't hard to picture him as a good Father. He softened for her and it was remarkable to see that side of him. I had spent so long thinking Bill wouldn't be willing to take on a paternal role and there he was, fawning over our daughter, brushing her hair away from her face, kissing her little head and proving me wrong about everything. Even though he had been showing me all of these new sides of him, it was still odd to see him stripping off all his clothes to get into bed with me after I'd turned on the lamp beside my bed. I remembered what he had said to me in the car about not wanting to do certain things to me because of Ivany being so close by but he crawled up between my legs anyway. I could feel his erection pressing against my inner thigh while he found my lips with his own and forcibly kissed me. I spread my legs for him and he reached down to position the head of his cock against my opening. The delicious feeling of his engorged shaft pushing into me was so devastatingly full and slow that I immediately let out a throaty moan. He breathed out too, reveling in the hot wet tightness. With both of his hands supporting him on either side of me he rocked his hips forth once, sighing when he was able to fully penetrate me. "Feels so good to be inside of you again." He whispered to me. He purred so seductively as he pulled his hips back, slipping out of me for only a second before forcing himself back in. The sudden loss and gain inside of me was so good, I arched my back up, my body begging for his attention but he wasn't about to overload me again. He thrust into me slowly, with purpose, making me enjoy every inch of him in intricate detail. Bill pulled out of me again. If it weren't for my bedside lamp being on it would have been pitch black in my bedroom and I wouldn't have been able to see his swollen cock dripping with my juices. He stared down with his lips hanging open, impressed and so hard it almost looked painful. "Look at all that sweet pussy cream. You're just gushing on Daddy's dick, aren't you?" I stared up at him, a vision of salacious Swedish beauty, a God that wanted nothing more than to fuck me as slowly and as nasty as he could possibly make it without waking our daughter. He knew all of the right things to say to make me hotter than any man had ever been able to. He was a dream of a perfect lover, as handsome as he was raw and profane. I knew I would never be able to resist him when he spoke to me like that. I could never deny him access to my body, not when I knew the way he could make me writhe with ambrosial agony. He spent a long time filling me up over and over again until he could no longer support himself and had to lay down on my chest. Even then he never stopped and it was so slow that I could hear every breath he took, every slick little thrust in and out even the smooth swishing of our skin rubbing together. With my eyes shut and his mouth devouring mine, I savored all the feelings he was giving me from the way he reached down between us to rub my clit, to the euphoria I felt being the center of his attention. Any time he whispered in my ear it brought me closer to coming. "Are you ready for me to make you come?" He asked me and I nodded vigorously. He pulled out of me once more and crawled down the bed, taking the sheets with him so I was fully exposed to the air. Using his large hands he lifted my legs up, tilting my hips up so he had easy access to my swollen, aching pussy. "Watch me." He said after I had closed my eyes with anticipation. "I want you to watch yourself coming all over my mouth." He pushed my legs back more so that I had the best view of him gently sucking and running his tongue over my satiny folds. The show was too much for me and it didn't take long before I began to feel that tormenting pulsation of blood rushing to my engorged pleasure center. "Come on my tongue, baby. Come right on Daddy's tongue," Bill encouraged me. It was easy for me to let go with Bill being so attentive and before I knew it I was shifting my hips away from him, trying to escape the overwhelming sensation of him drinking me in as I spilled over the edge. He moaned against me, sending vibrations through my body that only served to weaken me further. He held my hips down and gave me a little more of his mouth before he finally pulled away, face slick with my fluids. He stood up on the floor at the edge of the bed and watched me coming down from the impossible high he had given me. "Oh fuck little girl, that tastes so nice. That's what Daddy likes." I stared at his naked body and noticed he was still sporting an impressive hard-on. In the spirit of all our filthy activity, I got up on my knees and crawled closer to him, positioning myself just underneath the shaft of his cock. I sat up on the edge of the bed and pulled his hips closer to me. He hummed as I looked up at him and opened my mouth. I took every inch of him in, relaxing my throat so he could slide in as far as he wanted to. His hands raked through my hair and then down my neck and shoulders when I began to move my head up and down on him. Because of his height, it made it challenging for me to throat him smoothly, so he bent at the knees a little bit, scooping his hips up so I could take him easier. He interlocked both of his hands with mine and tried not to groan too loudly. I closed my lips around him as best as I could and tried not to gag as much as my body wanted to. It was nothing short of violent the way he fucked my face and it didn't take long before his muscles started tensing. I looked up at him and gave him the most sexually explicit moan I could possibly produce with such a mouthful and watched him lose control. He let go of my hands and lifted my chin, his right hand going immediately to his cock to keep up the pace that was surely going to make him explode soon. Just like I knew he liked, I stuck my tongue out, beckoning him to come inside my mouth when he was ready. His breath hitched and his legs stiffened as he released, splashing thick, warm strands of cum over my lips and cheeks. He thrust himself into my mouth a couple more times until he was totally spent and I had received every last drop he was capable of producing. "Fuck, baby. You're such a good girl." He cooed at me, leaning over to frame my cum-drizzled face between his hands. "Was that fun for you?" "Yes, Daddy." "Tell me you love Daddy's cum," "I love your cum, Daddy." Bill kissed me with no regard for whether he could taste himself on my skin or not. He shoved his tongue passed my teeth to tangle with mine and then pulled back with a deep purr. "Good girl. I'm so proud of you. You know it makes me so happy when you're good for me." I tried to disguise my smile and looked for something to wipe my face with. After I had made certain my face was clean I turned back and saw he had climbed back into my bed. He beckoned me over and I joined him but not before leaning over him to turn the lamp off. He gathered me up in his arms and held me tightly. "I really did miss you, you know that?" He whispered to me in the darkness. "I know..." I replied, unsure of where he was going with the conversation. "Please..." He started, his voice trailing off before finding itself again. "Please come home with me." I was silent for a few seconds but I knew that it was unlike him to bare himself the way he was so I didn't let it go on for too long. "First we have to tell Ivany about you." Bill pressed a kiss to my forehead and I just melted against him, loving the feeling of his long torso pressed so closely to mine. "Thank you." He whispered against my skin.

~*~

Bill and I decided it would be best if I told Ivany about him when it was just me and her. He left early in the morning before she woke up, having put on his clothes from the previous night. I said goodbye to him once laying in bed, once in the living room and again when he stepped out the front door. "Give me your number so I can call you later," Bill suggested, standing one step lower than me on the stone porch. He pulled out his cellphone so he could take down my number and then dropped it in his jacket pocket again. Giving himself a pat down to make sure he had all of his effects, he readied himself to leave me but not before wrapping me up in another embrace. I had never felt my windpipe choke up so quickly at any display of affection I had ever received. I craved him again. He had spent a good half an hour before leaving in bed with me, brushing his fingertips over my skin and telling me of all the things we were going to do together once Ivany and I moved to the West Coast with him. "I am going to make you my fucking Queen. Our daughter, a princess. You have no idea." He said to me. Bill kissed the back of my hand before he left and when I got back inside I felt light and fluffy on the inside like a sugary soufflé. I quickly had a shower and started making breakfast before Ivany woke up. I didn't have to wake her myself since she insisted on sleeping with an alarm clock on. Every morning it would go off at seven and she would wake up by herself, get dressed by herself and leave her room on her own accord. It had been the routine for the few months she had been in school. When I heard the door to her room open I knew she was up and about to come downstairs to eat breakfast with me. She came down the stairs wearing her lavender purple tracksuit that Kiki had bought for her. "Good morning my love," I said to her. "Good morning Mommy." "I hope you had a good sleep." "I did." She said matter-of-factly. "Great. Now sit down at the table and I'll get you your plate." "Can I have my Elsa plate?" Ivany asked. With a smile, I nodded and retrieved her favourite plate from a stack in the cupboard. I brought her some breakfast and poured her a glass of orange juice before I sat down across from her with my coffee. She began to eat but soon noticed that I was staring at her unflinchingly. There was just too much about her now that reminded me of Bill. They had the same nose, same eyes, same shade of brown hair, they even had the same shaped ears. I shook my head not in disappointment but in disbelief. "What's wrong Mommy?" She asked. With a sigh I pushed my coffee mug aside and folded my hands over the table. "I need to talk to you about something very important." "Okay." "I was going to wait until you were finished eating but I guess we can talk now." Ivany put down her fork and looked up at me with those enormous green eyes. She was so attentive and expressive I couldn't come to terms with it most days. She was like a tiny adult sitting there awaiting what I had to say with patience. I smiled at her and felt my heart swell with pride and happiness. Nothing brought me more joy than knowing she was smart and that her intelligence wouldn't be squandered the way mine had when I was young. "I want to talk to you about who your Daddy is. Is that okay?" Ivany didn't make a move to say anything but she did nod at me slowly. "Remember when you asked me about your Daddy a little while ago?" "Yes. You said my Daddy was gone away." She reminded me. The heat of tears swelled behind my eyes but I managed to will them away for a little longer. "Well, what would you say if I told you that your Daddy isn't away anymore? How would you feel about that?" Ivany's eyes flitted from her plate to her fork to her cup and then to me. She had a hint of a smile forming on her little porcelain face. "Would you feel confused? Or happy? What do you think about that?" "I think that it's good he's not away anymore." Ivany shared with me. I had no idea what was going on inside of her head but she didn't seem shocked or sad and I took that as a sign to press on. "Would you be excited to have a Daddy?" I asked her to which she nodded vigorously. "Matilda and Brianna's Dad is the Fire Chief. He came in a truck and let everyone see inside of it on fire safety week!" "Well your Daddy is not a Fire Chief but I can tell you he is very smart and he has missed you a lot." Ivany went quiet as she started to work out everything I was saying to her. I didn't want her to be confused especially right before school so I took in a deep breath and prepared myself to tell her the thing that I had planned on putting off until she was older. "You remember meeting Bill, right?" I asked her. Ivany nodded her head, "yes. He gave me my bunny rabbit." I bit my bottom lip and that was when the rush of tears came up to haunt my eyes again. "Well, honey... You know I love you very much, right?" "Yes Mommy, I love you too." A burning little tear fell down my cheek when she said that and I tried not to choke up too much in front of her. "Bill loves you very much too because... He's your Dad." "Why are you crying Mommy?" Her sweet voice asked. I wiped at my face, thankful I hadn't put on any makeup otherwise it would have been running down my cheeks. "Don't worry sweetheart, these are happy tears. I promise. But are you okay? How do you feel about that? You can tell me anything you want to. Don't be afraid to tell me what your feeling." "I feel okay." She offered. "Are you sure?" "Yes." I sniffled and managed to calm down the rush of emotions I was feeling. "You're okay with Bill being your Dad?" Ivany picked up her fork and started eating. "Yes. I think he has to do more Dad things though so he can learn how to be a Dad." "What do you mean?" I asked with laughter in my voice. "He doesn't really dress like a Dad." She pointed out. Unable to hold back my laughter, I beamed at my beautiful daughter. I had been so afraid that she would recoil into a bout of confusion but I should have known that she was above that. Her capacity for understanding grew daily and most things she said did not sound like they were coming out of the mouth of a four-year-old Kindergartner. "Yeah, I guess he doesn't." "Does that mean he's going to live with us?" She asked. "That is something that we are going to talk about when we are all together. Would you like to see him later?" "Okay." "Good. Now finish up and get those teeth brushed little lady." I stood up to begin tidying up the kitchen. Our conversation had gone better than I'd hoped. In my mind I had developed this scenario of Ivany refusing to believe that Bill was her Father or that she would be too confused to respond to me. Luckily, that was just the fears I had running inside of me. I felt foolish for thinking that Ivany wouldn't be able to handle it. After all, she was unlike me in the sense that she based everything around logic whereas I almost always let my emotions get the better of me. "Does that mean you are going to get married?" She asked. I laughed nervously and turned around to face her. "I don't think so sweetie." "I want to be a flower girl." She sighed. I tried to go back to doing the dishes but her question kept ringing in my ears long after she asked it. I know it was just the musings of a child but I couldn't help but picture it; a huge lavish wedding back on the West Coast. Then I shook the thought out of my head. One step at a time, I told myself.

[purplesurveys]

568

Have you ever had a really bad haircut? I haven’t had any truly awful ones. The only time I felt ‘meh’ about a haircut was when I went to the salon on my own and told the hairdresser what I wanted myself. I was never good at that kind of stuff, and always prefer being with someone so they can tell me if I’m headed somewhere good or otherwise. Did you ever order any clothes from the Alloy catalogue? I’ve never heard of that. What brand, color, and type is your favorite eyeliner? I’ve only ever used eyeliner at one point in my life and I’ve forgotten every detail about it. It was black, though. Do you wear eyeliner? I used to. I wanted to look nice post-breakup, so I learned how to do makeup to feel good about myself. Was there ever a time in your life when you couldn't cry? I guess when I have HAD to cry in the past, as in for a skit, I couldn’t. But I can be triggered and cry very easily otherwise.

What's your favorite type of yogurt? I hate yogurt, I hate everything that’s sour (except for sour tapes, but even those I can only handle at a certain level of sourness haha). What posters did you have on your wall as a teenager? Wrestling. My mom took them down for no reason eventually, even though I loved having them up on my wall. What are your favorite type of calendars? I mean I don’t obsess over calendars enough to have a favorite type? so a digital one on my phone and laptop is fine with me. I do sometimes wish I was rich enough just to be able to spend on those novelty calendars with Audrey Hepburn photos and Monet paintings in every month, though. Do you have a full-length mirror? I used to but it got transferred to my sister’s room. I don’t mind it though; I don’t use mirrors all that much. When was the last time you bought stamps? Elementary school, probably. Do you have any overdue library books right now? HAH, yes I do actually. It was a book I needed to do a Powerpoint on, and I completely forgot that its due date was on the 4th. The fee is like ₱2/day so I’ll have to pay around ₱8 to ₱10 by next week, depending on when I’ll feel like returning the book. How often do you do laundry? I don’t; my mom prefers to do it herself. Do you have a piggy bank? Maybe as a kid, but I never took it seriously because I didn’t sit well with the fact that I couldn’t see the money I’ve been saving. I’ve stuck with a good old wallet ever since, just so I can know my progress. Do you remember your locker combinations from high school? I don’t, actually. I wonder what numbers I used to secure my locks :o What's your favorite DIY crafts youtube channel? Aren’t a lot of those misleading and downright fake? Could you spend hours on pinterest? I’ve never spent more than five minutes at one time on that website/app. Do you own plaid pants? Nah, it’s not really my style. Have you ever had to wear a school uniform? I had to wear my school’s uniform for 14 straight years. All I ever wore Monday through Friday for that span of time. What was your high school's mascot? We don’t have a mascot; we just have school colors. What were your high school's team colors? Gold, white, blue. Who were your best friends in high school? Angela, Gabie, Athenna, and Sofie. Others I was close with were Chelsea, Kaira, and Fern. Who was your first boyfriend or girlfriend? Gab. Have you ever been to Chicago? Nope but it’s a dream. If yes, what do you like best about it? The FOOD, the culture, the museums. Have you ever stayed in a hostel? Nope, never been. Would you rather sleep on the top bunk or bottom bunk? Bottom. I wouldn’t like sleeping somewhere that felt unnatural, and lying down way high from the floor is definitely one of those things. Do you love camping? I’ve never tried, so I don’t know. Would you rather sleep in a tent or under the stars? Lie under the stars for as long as I can, then pass out in a tent. What insects are you afraid of? Cockroaches. Have you ever had a secret admirer that left you notes? I haven’t. Are you close with your cousins? I have a good relationship with most of my cousins, mom’s side; but I’m especially close with my eldest cousin, who I essentially view as my older brother. I’m so-so with cousins on my dad’s side - we were very close as kids, but they moved further to the south and I never really get to see them anymore, so we grew more shy as the years passed.  Are you close to any aunts or uncles? I love my mom’s cousins; they’re all younger than her and they’re mostly late Gen X-ers so they’re more hip and cool hahaha. I wouldn’t say we’re close but they are definitely much easier to talk to than other older relatives. Are you close to your grandparents? I seldom get to see my paternal grandparents because they live with the ^ same cousins I’ve since grown quite distant from, so I wouldn’t say I’m close to them but of course I love them all the same. I was very close with my maternal grandfather when he was still alive as I always knew what to do to make him laugh; and I am also crazy for my maternal grandmother, although in the last few years she’s been all about Jesus so sometimes it gets a little draining hearing about how I should always pray and that “God can answer all [my] problems.” Still love her loads, though. Who betrayed your trust? A friend did, many years ago. Who was your first best friend (apart from a sibling)? Bold of you to assume a sibling was my first best friend, because you’re wrong lol. I’d consider this girl we calle Kaye the first one; we were class number buddies in Kinder 1 (I was 4, she was 5) so we got close quickly. She changed schools by Grade 1 and I haven’t talked to her since, but I still remember her fondly. What was your favorite thing to do at sleepovers when you were younger? I was never allowed at sleepovers when I was a kid. What kind of popcorn is your favorite? Sweet-flavored ones. I could never take dry-ass plain/salted popcorn. It has to be something like salted caramel or parmesan. Does your town have a big fountain in it? If we do have one, I’ve never seen it. But I’m pretty sure we don’t. What is your town known for? For being on a mountain and being ridiculously hard to get to because 1) of its winding, accident-prone roads, and 2) IT’S ON A MOUNTAIN. I live in the area of Antipolo just before you start to go up, so I don’t get offended much by the complaints of everyone else; but I’m in solidarity nonetheless with the ~mountain-dwellers~ just because I used to go to school in upper Antipolo. Do you currently live in the city you grew up in? I mostly grew up in Antipolo, so yes I still live here. I did live in Manila in my early childhood but that time was much shorter than the time I’ve spent in my current city. What's one way in which you're behind the times? I hate Minecraft and I hate Fortnite even more. What's one way in which you're still a child? I love coloring books :) What's one way in which you're old? I have a bad back. Do you feel old or young? Or do you feel both at different times? Definitely feel a bit of both, depending on my mood. The perfect example could be that I can be annoyed seeing younger kids make so much noise, but the next day I can be exactly like those kids making a bunch of noise with my friends. How old are you? I am 21. Do you know what you want to do for your next birthday? No, not yet. Quite early to think about at this point, really. If yes, what is it? A private dinner would already sound perfect. What is the last new thing you discovered that was really good? Vaping. I mean don’t try it if you haven’t already, but yeah. What would be the best surprise you could receive right now? Tbh if my mom came home carrying a box of Yellow Cab pizza. AKA something that would NEVER happen; she snobs Yellow Cab cos she thinks they’re too expensive for pizza. Do you usually forgive when someone hurts your or try to get revenge? I get my revenge, subtly. Were there any subjects in school that were really easy for you? Our subject Language, which was mandatory back in elementary school, was literally basic English grammar. Not everyone in my former school spoke fluent English so a lot of them weren’t all that good at the subject; but for people like me who had a solid grasp of English and read a lot to begin with, the class was basically a breather from the other more difficult classes. If so, what? ^ I already told ya all about it. Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? Skipping grades isn’t a thing in my former school which is honestly a good thing for me cos it would have bred a lot of competition. But students would have to repeat a level if their grades showed that they had to; I wasn’t one of them. What time of day were you born? 9:11 in the evening. What is the best hairstyle you've ever had? I loved my layered hair like 10 years ago. It was probably the only time I did something to my hair that wasn’t just a trim, so I enjoyed that experience. I also liked cutting my hair way, way too short last year; it was a bold move but I liked how it look, as did everyone else. Do you think you look better with dyed hair or natural hair? I’ve never tried dyeing my hair so I wouldn’t know. Do you think your look better with curly hair or straight hair? Curly, I think. Do you have bangs? I have baby bangs but they’re just stubborn hair standing around my head lmao but no I don’t have actual bangs. Do you think you look better with bangs or without? I haven’t tried getting bangs as an adult. I did look cute with them as a toddler though :( Do you think you look better with long hair or short? Long. What's your favorite rock band? Paramore, if they still count. Who's your favorite country singer? None. Do you ever listen to Celtic music? No. Do you listen to Hillsong? No. Did you try the unicorn frappuccino, and if yes, were you a fan? No I never tried it. Have you ever won a contest? I won a school quiz bee and an essay writing contest before, but I wouldn’t call the latter legitimate. It was just a writing contest about wrestling held by a local TV station and the three best entries got to win WWE t-shirts haha. Have you ever wanted to be a model, actress, singer, or dancer? I wanted to be a model when I was like 12. No fucking clue what was going through my head at the time. When you look at your baby pictures, do you recognize yourself? Sure. Has your hair color changed since you were a toddler? Nope. Do you wear matching socks? Yes. How many drawers does your dresser have? Three. Do you own an American flag shirt? No thanks. Do you own a British flag shirt? I don’t. The Union Jack got overused by 2011 Tumblr, honestly. Do you have a seashell collection? I don’t. Aren’t we prohibited from getting those from beaches? That’s the case in the Philippines, anyway. Do you have a rock collection? I do not. Do you decorate for Halloween? We didn’t decorate the house but I celebrated it with friends this year. What is your favorite thing to do in the pool? Float around and relax. Flamingos or pineapples? ??? Flamingos, I guess? Cacti or seashells? Seashells. Maple tree or palm tree? Palm tree. Dreamcatcher or wind chimes? Dreamcatchers! Have you ever taken a picture at the perfect moment? I probably have at few points. Do you have a crush right now? Yes. What color was your first car? My first and current car is white. Was your first car used or new? I’m actually not sure. It was my dad who purchased it. Do you have a car now? Yep. What color(s) eyeshadow do you wear the most? I never wear any.

[writing-parker]

A Series of Vignettes- Need You

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

A Series of Vignettes Summary: It’s not easy, yours and Bucky’s relationship, but no one ever said it would be. These vignettes follow the big and small moments in Bucky and the reader’s relationship, focusing on the events that shape it. Big and small, sweet or angsty (mostly angsty), these stories lay out the moments in time they carved out for themselves in the crazy world they live in. They all take place in the same universe, but do not need to be read in any particular order.

A Night in Brooklyn | Beautiful World | Johannesburg | Dogs |  Late Night | Dark Winter  Dark Winter II  Dark Winter III | Close | Home |

Chapter Summary: Bucky’s been gone and you’re having a hard time. Warnings: Mentions of death and addiction.

Okay, so this was pretty hard to write and harder to edit. It’s really personal so I’m not sure how big of a hit it will be, but I wrote it for myself so does it really matter? Lol w/e, if you liked it let me know what you think, and if you didn’t you can let me know too I guess but don’t be mean.

________________________________________

You got the call on a normal Wednesday. You were busy at work- with Stark Impact’s fiscal year coming to an end, you barely had time to think, let alone screen your calls.

When your office phone lit up with an unfamiliar number, you didn’t think twice before you answered it.

“This is Y/n Y/l/n,” You said, all business.

“Hi, baby.” A voice slurred into the line, “Long time no talk.”

Your stomach dropped, “Mom? How’d you get this number?” You demanded.

“Right on the internet. All I had to do was google you. I’m proud of your new job, sweetheart. I bet it pays well.” You hadn’t heard from her in years, since right after you moved to New York.

You wanted to hang up, but you couldn’t. You felt paralyzed.

“Aren’t you happy to be hearing from your momma, girl? After all this time?” She’s drunk, you can tell. You would have been more surprised if she was sober.

“What do you want?” You whisper, clenching your hands into fists to keep them from shaking.

“Come on, baby.” She pleads.

You squeeze your eyes shut, “Don’t call me that. What do you want?” You try to make your voice sound strong, authoritative.

“Your father overdosed. Thought I’d give you the common courtesy of letting you know.” She sounds exasperated, like the conversation was exhausting her. Like it was such a trouble to call.

The world stops spinning for a few seconds.

“Is that all?” Your voice is flat. Your eyes stare blankly ahead.

She sighs, cracks her gum, “Listen, honey, things have been so hard. My boyfriend left, you never met this one, but he was nice, I swear. I had stopped drinking and everything, but he took everything. I just need a little bit of help, y/n. I swear this time I’ll pay you back.”

“Don’t call this number again.” You snap before hanging up.

You numbly close the door to your office and lock it, shutting off the lights. Anyone who might need you would think you were on your lunch break.

Your dad was dead.

You lean against the wall, sliding down until you were sitting on your butt, knees pressed to your chest. Your dad was dead and your mom asked you for money in the same breath she used to tell you he was gone.

You let yourself cry. Not for the man he was, no. You cry because any hope you had that he might become the father you deserved was gone. You loved him desperately, until he left, deciding the drugs were more important than you. Spend the first 11 years of your life trying to make him love you more than he loved heroin.

After that, you had secretly hoped and prayed that one day he would sober up. Come find you and tell you he was sorry and he loved you all this time and leaving you was the hardest thing he ever did. Now he never would.

You were mourning the loss of the idea of a real father just as much as you were mourning the flesh-and-bone man.

Was it wrong? You didn’t know if you cared.

You allow yourself fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes to fall apart before it’s time to get back to work.

___________________________________________

The next few days seem to pass in slow motion. You can’t eat or sleep, you feel like you’re floating above the ground. You don’t work, calling in sick Thursday and Friday. Say something about food poisoning.

You can’t get a hold of Bucky. He’s gone with Steve and Nat, on a mission that was supposed to only be 4 days, then a week, now it had been nearly 12 days he’d been gone. A week since you heard from him. You would be worried if you weren’t so caught up in your own shit.

You need him. You need him home.

You lay in bed all day on Friday, alone. When your lease ended last month your roommates told you it was time they got a place of their own. You made enough money to pay for the two bedroom yourself, so you stayed. Turned their old room into an office. You wished they were here.

Bucky calls as soon as he lands.

“Hey,” He rasps into the phone when you answered. “I’m home.”

“I missed you.” You whisper. You don’t know what else to say. “Please come over.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He promises.

He gets caught up in the med-bay for a while, Steve warning the doctors that Bucky could have a concussion. Bucky shoots him a look, but lets the doctor check his head anyway. It wasn’t like he could afford more issues with his brain.

He comes to you, though. Feeling exhausted and over-worked. He’d been gone a lot these past couple months. Instead of talking about it, he would pull you close, make you fall apart, use your body as his comfort. They were long missions, and he wanted you, intimacy, to comfort him, and you were usually more than happy to oblige when you missed your Sergeant.

He didn’t notice that tonight was different. Unlocked the door with the key you gave him to find you curled up on the couch, Netflix’s ‘are you still watching’ message on the screen of the TV. He drops his bag, drops to his knees in front of you, pushes some hair out of your eyes.

“Bucky?” You whisper, eyes fluttering open.

“Hey, doll.” He whispers back, “Sorry it took me so long.”

You offer him a weak smile, standing up. He doesn’t notice your shaky arms or the far off look in your eye.

“It’s okay,” You kiss his cheek then wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him close for a hug.

“It was so awful, y/n.” He says into your neck. He talks for a moment about sleeping on the ground of a cave in the mountains of Iran, the people tailing them, everything else they had to go to through to get the files they needed to take down a terror group.

The stress. The Anxiety. The uncertainty. He needed to forget it, get out of his head. He was so on edge, he didn’t even let you get a word out.

His hand grips your hip when he pulls back to kiss you, “Fuck, I missed you.” He growls into your ear, “I need you.” He pants, lips on yours.

His voice has an edge you don’t recognize.

“Bucky.” You whisper, hands on his chest. You tilt your head away and he kisses down your neck. Being with him like this was the last thing on your mind. “Wait.”

He pushes you back against the wall, shoulders uncomfortably digging into the surface. You feel your heart start to race unpleasantly.

His hands are all over you, tugging at your shirt, lips back on yours. He’s not reading any of the signs that you don’t want this. Finally, when his hands tangle in your hair and pull, you push him away.

“What the fuck, Y/n?!” He yells.  

You stumble away from him, wrapping your arms around your body, “I don’t want to.” You try not to yell back, but your words are harsh.

“Then why the fuck would you tell me to come here?” He glares at you.

Because my dad died and I need you.

You can’t say the words because you’re already standing in front of him in pain and he doesn’t care. And it’s all so familiar.

A man, standing in front of you, demanding your body to make themselves feel whole.

A man too caught up in their own feelings to care about yours.

They would take and take until you had nothing left. They didn’t care about the broken girl they left behind. You kept letting them, hoping they would give you their love in return. They never did. You never learned.

But this was Bucky. Why couldn’t he see that you were hurting?

You shut down, turning away from him, feeling stupid for the tears forming in your eyes.

“Jesus, Y/n.” He sighs, sounding annoyed and exasperated at the same time. He doesn’t sound sorry though. Definitely not worried.

A flash of anger surges through you.

“You should go.” You say dismissively, trying to feign bravado.

Bucky finally takes a good look at you. Hunched shoulders, dark circles showing just how tired you are. The look in your eyes makes him pause though. “Y/n…” He repeats your name hesitantly.

“I need you to leave.” You say again.

He slams the door behind him when he goes.

__________________________________________

It’s past dinner the next evening when Wanda knocks on your door. You hadn’t heard from Bucky all day, not that you expected to.

You would be the one to clean up this mess, like always.

“What happened with Bucky?” She demands when she walks in. “He’s been at the tower all day, in a rampage.” She finally looks at you, “Holy, shit, Y/n. You look awful.” She says, eyeing you up and down.

“Thanks.” You roll your eyes.

Before you can stop yourself, you’re telling her everything. From your mom calling to your dad’s death and the way Bucky treated you the night before.

“I can’t believe he would yell at me because I didn’t want to have sex with him.” You shake your head, incredulous. “He made me feel like all I am is a warm body to him.”

Wanda’s fuming.

“And then at that point it felt like I couldn’t tell him about my dad because it really seemed like he could not have cared less about what I was feeling. It seems like that a lot of the time these days, with all of the missions.

“And I just… can’t keep putting him back together when I feel so broken myself.” You level her with your gaze, “I feel like I don’t have anything left to give him.” You whisper.

You feel tears welling up in your eyes and don’t do anything to stop them, unable to conceal your feelings any longer.

Eventually, you sob, “I love him so much. I… I… I don’t know how to talk to him about it. He has so much going on all the time. I don’t want to be a burden, but I really need him right now.”

After nearly 6 months together, you still had trouble opening up to him. Afraid he would decide all of your baggage was too much to handle, when he had so much of his own.

“Does he make you feel like that when you try to talk to him? Like you’re a burden? Have you ever opened up to him about any of this?” She’s referring to your troubling childhood and all of the men who ruined you.

“We never really talk about stuff like this. I’m afraid it would be too much for him.”  And he’d leave me, you don’t say the words out loud, feeling pathetic.  

You talked about his problems, sure, but it never felt right to bring up your mom or your dad or the men who ruined you. They seemed so trivial compared to 70 years of torture.

For once, you’re happy you don’t have to explain out loud. Wanda hears what you’re thinking and wipes the tears from under your eyes.

“Look at me, Y/n.” Her voice is almost harsh. “You are not a burden. You need to talk to him, Y/n.” Wanda tells you. “Just because his issues seem worse than yours doesn’t mean they are. He doesn’t deserve you.” She shakes her head, trying to quell her anger.

“You have to tell him how he made you feel last night. Let him feel bad, let him be sorry. Don’t make yourself small just so he can feel whole.” She grabs your hand and squeezes.

You nod again, “Yeah. You’re right. Tomorrow.”

Wanda nods and takes you to the bathroom to run a brush through your hair before putting some cream under your eyes for the puffiness. You let her take care of you for a little, feeling very grateful you have a friend like her.

“You need to get out of this apartment.”  Wanda declares, “Just a drink.”

“Fine.” You concede, “Just one.”

___________________________________________

Bucky’s locked in his room when his phone rings. When he sees Wanda’s number, he sends it to voicemail. It rings again. He ignores it.

When it rings the third time he answers, “What?” He asks harshly.

“I need your help. I lost Y/n.” Wanda sounds scared. His stomach sinks.

“You lost her?” He grits out.

Wanda explains that the two of you had went out for a drink and a drink turned into drinks and she stepped away for a moment to close the tab and you were gone.  

“Where the fuck are you?” Bucky snaps.

“Don’t talk to me like that.” Wanda says lowly. “This is all your fault.”

“Where are you?” He says again, desperately.

“I’m outside Union Pool.” She tells him, “She was really drunk. Hurry.”

Bucky’s there in less than 15 minutes.

“What happened?” He demands.

Wanda sighs, tells him almost everything. She doesn’t get into the details of why you were so upset, just that something happened last week while he was gone and you haven’t been eating and now you were wasted and alone.

“You fucked up.” She says lowly.

Bucky starts pacing like a caged animal, sinking feeling in his stomach when he thinks about the way he treated you last night.

“We’ll find her, okay?” She says. Bucky nods.

For nearly a half hour they search every bar in a 10 block radius, but there’s no sight of you. Bucky’s losing it, an anxious mess. “What if something happened? Wanda, what if she’s-”

“Shut up.” Wanda says, pulling out her phone.

“Who are you-”

“Tony.” Wanda sighs into the phone, “I need your help.”

In less than 20 minutes, Tony’s pulling up in one of his big black SUVs. Bucky’s practically hyperventilating. He flings the door open before the car is at a full stop and pulls himself into the passenger door.

“Stark,” He says, edge to his voice, “Were you able to find her?”

“Nice to see you too, Bucky. I was happy to help, it was really no problem at all.” Tony replied sarcastically.

Wanda, in the back seat, pipes up, “Thank you so much Tony.”

“We were able to track down her phone. It took 5 minutes. It looks like she’s walking home.” Tony hands Bucky a small tablet. On the screen there’s a map and a red dot that’s moving slowly.

“Jesus Christ,” He mutters. The area you were in was basically a no-mans-land. Between Williamsburg and Bushwick it was home to huge warehouses and not much else. “Can you drive faster?” He snaps at Tony.

Tony almost retorts, but takes one look fear and worry on Bucky’s face and decides to stay quiet. It’s not long before they find you, basically stumbling down a dimly-lit street, shoes in hand. The car screeches to a stop and Bucky jumps out, startling you.

“Bucky?” You hiccup. You’re crying, tears running down your face.

“What were you thinking?!” He demands, both hands on your shoulders. “Y/n, this neighborhood isn’t safe. Are your feet bleeding?”

You shrug, not looking at him.

Wanda steps out of the car and steps in front of Bucky shoots him an angry look, “You can’t just leave like that, Y/n, you had me worried.”

You don’t look at Bucky, he doesn’t sound worried, just angry. “You left.” You whimper.

“Just to close the tab.” She pushes your hair out of your face and wipes your tears away. Bucky feels inexplicably envious of the way she’s touching you.  

“Sorry.” You whisper. “I thought… I don’t know. I just wanted to get home and the train’s not running and I couldn’t find a cab.”  

Wanda cups a hand to your cheek, “You need to take better care of yourself.” She glances between you and Bucky for a moment before sliding back into the car. Bucky expects the two to drive away, but the car idles.

“What’s going on, Y/n?” Bucky asks with a sigh, exasperated, voice raised a little.

You feel your breathing grow heavy, “Why’d you say it like that.” Even through your drunken haze, your voice sounds weak and you hate it.

“Really?” He steps back, “You want to fight over my tone right now? You could have gotten yourself killed.”

You can’t even look at him, “I don’t want to fight.”

“You sure, Y/n? Cause I’ve had a bad couple of fucking weeks, might as well add it to the list.” He throws his hands up in frustration.

“I just want to talk to you,” You whisper. “Why are you so mad at me?”

“Then talk!” You don’t understand why he can’t be as gentle with you right now as you are with him when he’s not feeling right.

You’re quiet, unable to find words, looking at him desperately, silently begging him to understand. He turns away in frustration.

“My dad died on Wednesday.” You finally blurt out.

You stare at your hands as they shake. You hear the sharp breath Bucky takes. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting you to say but it definitely wasn’t that. “He overdosed. Heroin, I think, but I really don’t know.”

Bucky feels suddenly nauseous. He turns back to you and watches you clench your hands into fists to stop the tremors. He wants to cross the sidewalk to you, take you in his arms, but all he can think about is the look you had on your face last night after he yelled at you.

“He left when I was 11. I don’t remember much.” You swallow. “But I remember one time after he picked me up from school then when to his dealers house. He told me to hide under the seat until he got back. I was there for 5 hours. Or when he promised to come to one of my soccer games every year for 4 years straight and never came. I remember wishing I had my dad loved me like my friend’s dads loved them.”

You’re drunkenly rambling, unable to hold back the words.

Bucky stands, rooted to his place on the sidewalk, listening to you heave and cry through your words. He remembers the way he touched you, how rough he was when you had needed the exact opposite.

“He used to send me a card every year on my birthday. I… can’t believe I used to look forward to it. It was my favorite part of the whole day.” You laugh at yourself for being so foolish before it fades into sobs.

Bucky can’t breathe.

“I need you.” You beg. “I needed you last night.”

He crosses the sidewalk in a daze and stands in front of you, feeling like he didn’t deserve to ever touch you again. He hesitates and you cry harder, burying your face in your hands.

“Why don’t- you- care?” You say between heaving sobs.  He can barely make out your words, but they break him.

And the way you were so patient with him with his feelings. Always pressing, always making him talk, making sure he was okay.

He can’t believe how terrible he’s been to you without even realizing it. He gingerly pulls you into him and your knees give out. He scoops you into his arms easily and walks towards the car. He’s trying to stay composed but his knees feel week and his chest feels tight.

Once you realize Tony is driving, your sobs turn to hysterics. You had really thought he had seen you at your lowest when you ended up in the med-bay at Stark Tower the night Bucky woke up not Bucky, but this was a new low.

“I’m so sorry, Tony.” You sob. It seems like now that you’ve started crying you wouldn’t be able to stop.

“It’s okay, kid. I’m here to help.” He says it warmly, paternally, but when his eyes meet Bucky’s in the rear view they’re cold. He had definitely heard everything.

The car is silent aside from your heavy breaths and Bucky’s soft ‘shh’s for a moment. Then, suddenly, your body feels hot and your stomach turns and the motion of the car is all too much.

“Pull over.” You demand, blindly reaching for the door. Tony does so immediately, and before anyone realizes what’s going on, you’re falling out of the SUV and retching all of the alcohol in your stomach onto the sidewalk.

You don’t remember anything after that.

________________________________________________

The next morning you wake with a pounding headache and an awful taste in your mouth. Eyes still closed, you recall the events of the night before and groan out loud.

“Y/n?” A rough voice whispers from beside you.

You open your eyes to see Bucky in an uncomfortable kitchen chair that’s pulled up next to your bed, wearing his clothes from the night before. He offers you a soft smile and you give him one back. You stare at each other for a moment before your eyes drop down to your hands.

“I need to use the bathroom.” You say quietly before maneuvering around him and shutting yourself in the bathroom, feet stinging as you walk.

Barely looking in the mirror, you wash your face and brush your teeth. You take note that you’re dressed in your sleep clothes, Bucky must have helped you change. You pour yourself a cup of water and head back to your bedroom.

Bucky’s eyes follow you as you walk back to him, pulling him onto the bed before crawling into his lap. You nuzzle your face into his neck and he pulls you close, finally able to feel the comfort of his arms around you.

“Why don’t you hate me?” He wonders aloud.

“Could never hate you.” You mumble.

“Y/n, all I can think about is Friday night.” He jumps right into the conversation you needed to have.

You look away, just getting right to the point. “It seems like all you care about is my body these days. How I can make you feel.”

“I’m so sorry, Y/n.” His voice is low.

“You didn’t notice.” You mumble. “I wasn’t okay and you didn’t notice. Or maybe you did and just didn’t care. You made me feel awful.”

Bucky’s quiet, staring at you desperately, not able to find words.

“You made me feel like all I am is what I can give you.” You think it might be harsh, but you need to be honest. “I didn’t give you what you wanted so you left.”

“You asked me to.” He tries.

“You don’t fight for me the way I fight for you.” You accuse.  

You’re right and he knows it.

“Why?” You ask. Looking up at him through your lashes.

He thinks it might be the hardest question anyone has ever asked him. He doesn’t have an answer for you. Your words ring in his head and he can’t reconcile how he feels with the way he’s been acting.

“I don’t know.” He answers. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s not good enough.” You snap, sliding out of his lap. You take a deep breath to calm down.

“This is hard for me, okay?” He runs a hand through his hair, standing.

“What do you think it’s like for me?!” You finally yell, turning to face him. “You tell me you love me and care about me and ‘I’m your world’ and then you act the way you did last and all I can think is that I don’t think that’s love but how would I know?”

You stand in front of him, letting out everything you’ve been feeling the past couple months.

“Every man that’s told me he loved has done this.” You whisper, a fresh onslaught of tears falling down your cheeks. “Why?” You ask again, meeting his eyes desperately, “Why don’t you see me.”

In front of him your hands shake. You take deep, heaving breaths and keep wondering aloud why he doesn’t care. What did you need to do to make him care?

“Oh my god.” Bucky stares at the ceiling, trying not to cry himself. He pulls you close to his chest and lets you cry. “I’m so sorry. I do. I see you.” He repeats the words over and over.

It doesn’t seem like enough.

“I need you.” You gasp out.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m right here.” He sooths you, “I’m not going anywhere.”

When you calm down he sits you down on the bed and drops down next to you.

“I’ve been selfish these last few months.” He starts. “You do everything for me and I treat you like this. You should leave me. I don’t know what I’d do, but you should.” He shakes his head.

“Bucky…” You hate when he says stuff like that.

“I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling like you can’t talk to me. And I’m sorry I didn’t notice something was wrong. I need you to feel like you can talk to me about anything and I need to be more patient with you.” He pushes some hair out of your face. “You’re so much more than a warm body. You’re everything and I haven’t been treating you like it.”

“I need to stop using what happened to me as an excuse to treat you like shit.” He finally says it, taking full responsivity for his actions.

“Anyone.” You correct him.

“What?”

“You need to stop using what happened to you as an excuse to treat anyone like shit. Not just me.” You chastise him.

“You’re right.” He says, staring at you intently. “I just want to be someone who deserves you. Deserves to be loved by you. ”

The look in his eyes makes you believe him.

His words are composed, thought out. His quiet reflection and apology are enough for you, for now.

“You deserve to be loved and happy no matter what, Bucky.” Your hand cups his face and he leans into your touch. “It’s gonna be okay, alright? We’ll figure it out, we don’t have a choice. I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’ll be better.” He promises. Your fingers trace down his jaw, feather light. The softness of your words and touches are so overwhelming for him he feels tears prick at his eyes.

“Y/n, I swear. I need you so much and I know I always tell you to go and leave me but I don’t mean it… I don’t think I could live without you. And knowing that you were hurting and I was so awful is driving me fucking crazy.”

“I feel like I’m always hurting you or doing something wrong or-”

You cut him off with a press of your lips to his, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

He scoffs, looks away, “Probably more like the worst, but okay.”

“Look, it’s true. You make me so happy all the time. You make me feel like I can do anything. You make me feel beautiful and loved. I learn and grow as a person every day with you.” You offer him an encouraging smile.

You continue, “I should have told you how I was feeling from the start, Bucky, and this could have all been avoided. And yeah, you fucked up a little. You hurt me.”

He casts his eyes down but you slip a finger under his chin and force him to look at you.

“But we’re gonna be okay. I promise. We can get through anything together.”

“I love you.” He whispers before kissing you deeply.

You’re panting by the time he pulls away, “I love you too.”

He stands and pulls you up, noticing the way you flinch when your feet hit the hardwood. He sighs.

“Where are you…?” You wonder aloud as he exits the room for a moment before returning with a warm, soapy washcloth.

He drops to his knees in front of you and reaches for your left foot, gingerly cleaning the dried blood and dirt.

The moment turns so intimate so fast it feels like you have whiplash.

“You don’t have to.” You whisper, looking down at him, eyes wide.

“Let me.” He says desperately, clears his throat, “Let me take care of you.”

One hand on your ankle, he sits in front of you and tends you your cut up, dirty feet. It’s quiet, aside from your heavy breathing. The sun streams through your bedroom windows, lighting the whole room golden.

You think of the humility it requires for him to be on his knees in front of you, cleaning your feet. The vulnerability.

You’re both blushing.

He soothes his Vibranium hand over your skin, goosebumps travel up your leg.

When he’s satisfied with his work on your left foot, he drops and moves to the right, “I think you stepped in glass.”

You hum, enjoying him taking care of you. The feeling of his hands touching you tenderly.

“I’m so sorry about your father.” He murmurs, kissing the inside of your foot. He slides his hand up your calf. “Do you want to talk about it?”

His words hang in the air as he finishes tending to your feet.

You pull him up to your level, kissing him slowly. “I do.” You whisper, voice rough, “I do, but it’s a lot.”

Bucky furrows his eyebrows, “That’s okay, baby. I want to be here for you.”

“Okay.” You whisper. “You can’t get scared and run away because my issues freak you out.”

Bucky laughs out loud, “I bet they’re not scarier than mine.”

You giggle, “Not quite, but still.” You give him a pointed look.

With a sigh, he cups your face, “Nothing you tell me could make me run away. I want to know everything. I love you.” He promises.

“Okay.” You whisper.

There’s a lot to say, more than could be said in one afternoon, but he listens. Constantly reassures you he loves you, that he’ll never leave you. That’s he’s sorry and you don’t deserve the pain and he’ll take it from you and carry it on his shoulders if he has to.

You let him.

_____________________________________________

Addiction is a disease. If you’re struggling with addiction and need help you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357).

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[whiskynottea]

An interruption in the 1st law of thermodynamics.

Previously Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27

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As always, thanks to @katnoenau for her beta ❤️

Chapter 28. Hogmanay

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I was never the girl that dreamed of being a princess.

A pirate, maybe. An astronaut. An explorer. A healer. But not a princess. There were too many walls around those girls, too high, too rigid. I often wondered how they managed not to suffocate.

Walking down the stairs at Lallybroch was the first and only time I felt like one. Not the suffocating part – even though my breathing had become shallow and fast – but all the rest that accompanied the term. And it was all Jamie’s fault.

He was standing by the fireplace, listening to Lamb and Brian talk about politics (the word Brexit was the first that reached me when I left my room) and a broad grin was painted on his face the moment he saw me, making the blue of his eyes brighter and the red of his hair fiercer.

Oh God, he’s so beautiful.

And mine.

A matching grin was splitting my face in two when our eyes locked and I could feel every bit of my heart, yelling at me to move my stupid legs faster and get to him.

Jamie walked to the foot of the stairs and waited for me, his high cheekbones proud, his shoulders and arms stretching the fabric of the dark green shirt. It took me a moment to realize that he was wearing a kilt.

A bloody kilt. My Scot.

And he looked dashing. I’d never thought that a man in a kilt could be so attractive.

And I mean SO attractive.

When I finally descended the stairs (were they so many yesterday?) and stepped in front of him, Jamie surprised me by taking my hand in his and kissing my knuckles. The gesture was so chivalrous yet intimate that it took my breath away and for a moment I was transferred back, to that first day in the cafeteria when Jamie had bowed to me.

My knight in his plaided armor.

Time had stopped. The world forgot to keep rotating around itself, around the sun.

Jamie brought me close to him with a hand on the small of my back and whispering, his lips almost touching my earlobe, “Ye’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, Claire.”

My cheeks were blazing when I met his eyes again. Without replying, I raised up onto my tiptoes and placed a soft kiss on his cheek, leaving a mark of red lips behind. “I marked you.” I said, chuckling, and rubbed his bronze skin to remove the lipstick.

“Ye could leave it, ye ken. This way I’d have yer lips on me for the whole night.” He wiggled his eyebrows, teasing me, but his eyes were speaking a truth deeper than this.

“And what is this?” I asked, pointing at his kilt.

“Ye call me a Scot! Thought I should keep up wi’ my reputation!”

“You’re beautiful.” I said softly, reaching for his hand.

“They’re the Fraser colors. My mom…” Jamie swallowed, his eyes a bit more glassy than a moment before. “It was a gift from my mom.”

“I wear my mom’s earrings.” I admitted with a sorrowful smile and squeezed his hand. Jamie squeezed mine back, a silent conversation shared only with gazes and touches.

“Claire! You’re ready!” Lamb exclaimed, eventually noticing me from across the room. “I thought Jenny would never manage to wake you up!”

“There is nothing Jenny can’t force people to do, if she sets her mind on it.” Brian Fraser said and laughed, accompanied by Jamie who was nodding his head in agreement.

“I can hear ye da!” Jenny’s voice came from the kitchen, only to intensify their laughter.

“I think I’m going to Jenny, see if she needs any help.” I announced and started walking towards the kitchen. Jamie came behind me, mumbling that he was coming to his sister’s aid, too.

It took one of his wide strides to come next to me, and we walked into the corridor, with our arms brushing against each other. The moment we were out of the living room I found myself pinned against the wall, his breath hot on my skin.

“Not on the mouth! I’m wearing lipstick!” I whispered-shouted and saw puppy eyes looking back a me, a pout formed on his wide lips. “I’m serious!” I insisted, determined not to become a big smudge because of Jamie Fraser’s uncontrollable behavior. Jamie sighed, bending just a bit lower and taking the smooth skin of my neck in his teeth, sucking softly.

The effect was instant. I closed my eyes, reveling in the feel of his tongue on me, aware of the goosebumps that formed all along my body. It was a light bite that brought my mind back to its normal function and I pushed Jamie away, trying to catch my breath. He looked at me through incredulous, wide eyes and I realized that my reaction wasn’t self-explained. “You’ll give me a hickey!” I said, pointing at my neck, white and exposed.

“Ye’re giving me the hardest night of the year, Sassenach.” Jamie said, and took my hand, placing it where his belt buckle met his kilt, cocking an eyebrow.

Message delivered.

I knew this dress was good. The A line, the tight waist, and most of all the square neckline, boosting my boobs just so. “I promise I’ll make it up to you,” I whispered in his ear. “At some point.”

Jamie groaned, half frustrated, half hopeful and I took his hand, moving us both towards the kitchen and Jenny, who had been too silent herself.

--

The guests arrived on time.

The door opened to reveal the first arrival, the sweetest looking woman I’ve ever seen. Ian’s mom, Anne, entered the door with a motherly, warm smile and her hands full with a huge platter of haggis. She greeted everyone cheerily and walked straight to the kitchen, calling to Ian to not dally about but bring the ‘neeps and tatties’ along. A minute later she came out again, to kiss and hug each one of us.

She stopped in front of me, her light brown eyes crinkled in a smile.

“This is Claire Beauchamp,” I heard Jamie introducing me. “My girlfriend,” he added, and stood a bit straighter, his full height making us all look like dwarfs.

Anne Murray glanced at him, and I thought she wanted to ruffle his head as if he was five years old or so. With the smile never leaving her face she looked at me again, enveloping me in a huge hug. “Welcome, honey,” she said, and her voice ran right through my skin, finding my heart and nestling there, for she really meant it.

Ian’s father was less affectionate, but his genuine smile was proof that he shared his wife’s feelings.

So far so good.

The doorbell rang again five minutes later, and Murtagh entered the house followed by Mrs. Crook and her two thirteen-year-old twins, who seemed rather unhappy about being at this particular gathering. They had the face I had, when Lamb took me along to meetings at the university. Murtagh on the other hand, had one of the least grumpy faces I’d ever seen on him. Not that he was cheerful, but his eyes were a bit more slanted and his lips were tugged up just a tiny bit. I guessed that this was as jolly as Murtagh could go.

We were seated in the parlor when the MacNabs arrived. Bridget MacNab was thin and pompous. Her hair was coiffed in perfection, her makeup professional. She was so stiff that I wondered how she could be friends with Anne Murray. She came through the door carrying only her tiny bag, and I saw her husband behind her, his hands full of bags. Bridget kissed Jamie while praising him for his looks and gently pushed her daughter in front of her, so she could greet him too.

Mary MacNab was the exact opposite of her mother. Shy and quiet, she moved reluctantly towards Jamie who hugged her, leaving her even more blushed than she already was. I didn’t take my eyes away from the two of them, observing how he moved around her, trying to find something to lash out at him for. Anything that would reveal the slightest hint of attraction.

I found nothing.

Victorious, I stayed fixed in my place next to Lamb, waiting for the next round of introductions. The MacNab family of four, was split in two halves, I noticed. Mary and her father, Michael, always moved timidly behind Bridget and her son, who had breathed almost all the air out of the room in a few minutes.

Lamb got up from his chair and ceremoniously introduced himself and me. “I’m Lambert Beauchamp and this is my niece, Claire,” he said. “The Frasers were gracious enough to have us here at Lallybroch for Hogmanay this year.”

“It’s our pleasure, Lamb.” Jamie’s dad raised a glass of whisky to uncle Lamb, who followed suit.

I saw Jamie struggling to fit in the conversation, and I was sure he wanted to somehow add that we were there because I was his girlfriend.

“It’s lovely to meet you, dear.” Bridget MacNab said to me with half a smile and moved to talk to Anne.

“Hi, Claire, is it?” He was tall and dark and he was standing close in front of me. Too close, if you’d ask me.

“Yes, Claire. And you are…”

“Benjamin. But you can call me Ben.” He said that as if it was a huge honor for me. His eyes didn’t leave mine and his stare was too intense for my liking.

“Nice to meet you, Ben.” I said and turned towards his sister who was standing next to him, studying me. “And you’re Mary?” I said with a smile. A real one, now that I had assessed the threat.

“Aye,” she smiled. “Nice to meet ye, Claire.”

“So, Claire,” Ben spoke again somehow disturbed that the spotlight wasn’t on him. “How come you and your uncle are spending Hogmanay here?”

“Claire is my girlfriend.”

I didn’t know when he’d come, but Jamie was now standing next to me, looking down at Ben from the few inches he had in advantage. His voice was cold somber, and I felt his fingers reaching for mine.

Claiming your territory, Fraser?

I smiled at his reaction and interlaced my fingers with his long ones, seeing Benjamin - Ben  - looking nervously at us. Mary just bit her lip, lowering her stare for a moment, only to bring it up to us once more and smile.

She was a kind person and I felt sorry for her crushed feelings, but instinctively I scooted closer to Jamie.

Claiming your territory, Beauchamp?

--

The night wore on with laughter and stories, delicious food, and a lot of Fraser whisky for the adults. We, the kiddos as they once called us, had access only to the beer. Not that we complained.

I was eating my sixth shortbread cookie when Brain Fraser checked his watch and stood up announcing that the New Year would be here in less than a minute. All conversations stopped, and I swallowed the cookie a bit too fast, feeling its crumbles graze my throat. Just before I started coughing, Jamie materialized a glass of water out of thin air and passed it to me, smiling at my surprised face. With a shrug he handed me the glass and I had just swallowed a big gulp of water when the pendulum clock on the parlor’s wall stroke twelve and everybody started singing.

“Shid ald akwentans bee firgot,

an nivir brocht ti mynd?

Shid ald akwentans bee firgot,

an ald lang syn?”

I looked at Lamb who looked back at me with a delightful smile, and we joined the Scots with our outlandish English accents.

“For auld lang syne, my dear,

for auld lang syne,

we'll take a cup of kindness yet,

for auld lang syne.”

Jamie took my hand in his and turned his head to face me. We looked at each other, transfixed, as we mouthed the same words in different accents, distinct but together, mingling to create a new mold that held us both, united.

“And surely you'll buy your pint cup!

and surely I'll buy mine!

And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet,

for auld lang syne.”

The song went on and I felt my heart swell and my eyes tear up. That was it. That was what holidays were supposed to be. Celebrating with the people you belong with.  

“An thers a han, my trustee feer!” Jamie pressed my finger between his.

“And give me a hand o' thine!” I grinned, risking the letting of a tear or two run down my cheeks, and pressed him back.

“And we'll take a right good-will draught,

for auld lang syne.”

The song ended and all I wanted was to kiss him. To start the year with his lips on mine, having him as close as possible.

And that was exactly what I did.

It wasn’t the passionate kiss I ached for, but it was the best we could have under the circumstances. Soft, tender and full of love.

“Happy New Year, Sassenach.” Jamie whispered with a smile.

“Happy New Year, Jamie.” I said, lost in the blue of his eyes and I felt him pulling me closer to him.

I left Jamie’s hug reluctantly, to exchange good wishes with uncle Lamb and everyone else.

A loud knock on the door hushed us all and Brian walked cheerily towards the door, with everyone else behind.

Jamie, seeing my questioning glance, started to explain as we walked towards the corridor. “Tis the first footing, Sassenach. A tall, dark-haired man comes to the house bringing gifts and good wishes for the new year.”

“Tall and dark-haired?” I asked looking at the men around me.

“Ian’s da.” Jamie winked at me. “It’s consider bad luck if the man is red-headed, ken.”

“Not for me.” I said with a cheeky smile and marveled in seeing the color on his cheeks intensify.

John Murray was tall – but shorter than Brian and Jamie – with black hair and dark brown eyes. He gave various little gifts for the house’s prosperity to Jamie’s dad, who gave him back a tumbler of whisky. We all raised our glasses then, and a succession of loud and joyful ‘Slaínte!’ filled the hallway.

I’d turned on my heels to go back to the parlor when Jamie stopped me, keeping me where we were standing.

“What?” I asked with a frown, and he put his index finger between my eyebrows, easing the crinkle that formed there.

“Another tradition,” he said, shrugging with an innocent face. “This one is like a game. Ye’ll see.” He winked at me and walked out of the house.

In less than a minute all men had gathered outside the manor, while all women remained inside. Jenny came to my side, quickly explaining what we were supposed to do. “Each single woman spins about in the house, then closes her eyes and walks through the door. She then spins again and opens her eyes. The man she sees first is the one she’ll marry.”

I couldn’t fathom how the down-to-earth realist Jenny Fraser believed in that stuff, and I looked at her with raised eyebrows before commenting on the game. Jenny laughed, adding, “It’s to see what the New Year might bring! Come on! Tis fun!”

She went first, standing in front of the door and she span about, her dark blue dress billowing around her knees. Closing her eyes, she walked out with a broad smile – and Anne’s help - spun once more and opened them again, only to see Peter Crook looking at her scared.

“Sorry mate!” Ian apologized, walking with fast strides towards Jenny. “The lass is taken.” He kissed her on the cheek, bringing a content smile to her face, and making the rest of us laugh.

I couldn’t tell if Peter Crooked was relieved or offended.

“Come on, Claire!” Jenny shouted from Ian’s hug and I took a deep breath, excited and terrified all at once.

Two warm hands landed on my shoulders and I heard Anne’s low voice prompting me to go forwards. “Dinna fash, lass,” she said. “Tis just a game.”

It’s just a game.

As I walked close to the door, I peeked outside and saw that Jamie was on the left side, looking at me with a smile, his fingers moving restless on his thigh. Next to him was Ben MacNab and my last thought before I started spinning was that I needed to avoid him like the plague.

Left. Stop when you’ll be facing at the left.

I spun inside the house, crossed the door and spun once again.

Shit. There goes my orientation.

I took a moment before opening my eyes.

Left. Face towards the left side.

I knew that it didn’t mean anything if I didn’t see him, but for a weird reason I needed to open my eyes and find him looking at me, with that soft smile that made me weak in the knees.

Please, let it be Jamie, let it be Jamie.

I opened my eyes slowly, afraid of whom I’d see, but there he was. Tall, with his broad shoulders and the Fraser colors, looking back at me. He didn’t have the soft smile I expected, though. He had his mischievous lopsided one, that quickly disappeared when our eyes locked and he looked at me seriously, as if the moment was too important to make fun of it.

And then I saw it. Ben was no more on Jamie’s right side, but on the left. The little scam had switched places with him so that I’d see him first!

And that was the best omen the New Year could bring. We’d do everything to be together, no matter what.

In that year which would bring so many changes to our lives, we’d always find a way to each other.

Chapter 29