#gripes in cancer/cap

[chickensarentcheap]

Lost and Found- Chapter 31

Fandom: Extraction

Pairing: Tyler Rake x Esme Drummond (previously established OFC. You do not need to read the other fics in the series to understand this one)

Warnings: very brief mentions of childhood cancer, miscarriage, child death

Tagging: @tragiclyhip @youflickedtooharddamnit @secretaryunpaid @thebejeweledwatercat @munstysmind

@karimac @ninjasawakenedmystar @kmc1989 @alisbackalleybbq @asirensrage

@residentdormouse @occommunity @ocappreciationtag @arrthurpendragon @themaradwrites

@fanficanatic-tw

My tag list is OPEN. Just let me know if you'd like to be added :D

Link to Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/43179357/chapters/141693307#workskin

*****

Esme awakens to brilliant sunshine streaming into the room; stirred by the chirping of birds and the fluttering of curtains as a crisp, cool breeze tumbles through windows. windows.  With a long, loud yawn, she stretches languorously and rolls onto her side; eyes closed as she reaches across the bed.  Groaning and mumbling in disappointment when instead of warm, smooth skin,  she finds cool, crisp sheets.       

Refusing to give up her place of comfort, she instead wraps both her arms around one of his pillows and pulls it tightly into her;  a sigh of pure contentment escaping her lips when she breathes in his familiar scent.   She’d spent years both longing and craving for it;  relegated to what little smell remained on that tattered, faded sweatshirt. The one she’d run back into the cabin to retrieve before fleeing Australia.  Needing something…anything…of his that she could hold onto;  relying on that simple piece of clothing to get her through the toughest of days and the loneliest of nights.  

She’d spent years both missing and wanting him. Trying desperately to remember even the tiniest of things. The sound of his voice, the way he laughed, how much thicker his accent would be when he first woke up. His eyes barely open and his hair in complete disarray as he shuffled into the kitchen either completely naked or sporting a pair of boxer briefs worn dangerously low on his hips.    And when she’d greet him cheerfully and enthusiastically, he’d scowl and mutter under his breath about ‘fucking morning people’ and call her ‘little Mary Sunshine’.    His griping immediately followed by aggressively grabbing her by the hips and pulling her into him; his hands pawing and kneading at her as he kissed her.   With the same passion, exuberance, and hunger as he’d possessed the very first time. 

“Daddy!” Millie’s voice tears her away from the edge of sleep.  “Daddy, come here! Come watch the clouds with me! Please?”

Curious, she forces her way out of the sea of wrinkled sheets and blankets.  Grabbing a knit cardigan from its resting spot on the bench at the end of the bed,   she shrugs into it as she pads to the window.  Peering out just as Tyler -clad in only a pair of camo board shorts- turns his backwards ball cap the proper way and then gingerly lowers himself onto the grass beside their little one  Both father and daughter stretched out with their hands joined together and resting on their stomachs,  and their legs crossed at the ankles. 

Soon Millie’s voice floats on the air as she points out certain clouds and what they look like; giggling when her dad joins in and gives exaggerated and vivid descriptions of his own.    It’s everything she ever dreamed or wanted;  from the moment she’d learned that she was carrying a baby…HIS baby… within her belly.   A chance for the universe to reunite them;  to allow Tyler to not only be a father to the child they created together,  but also for her to be able to witness it.   There’d been many moments where she’d imagined what he’d be like. Cuddling their newborn during a feed, allowing her to sleep upon his chest,  holding her tiny hands as she learned to walk,  seeing the tears well in his eyes the first time she ever called him ‘daddy’.    And now, as she watches them together,  tears prick at her eyes as emotion tightens her chest.   The reality somehow better than anything she could have ever dreamed of. 

*****

“Mommy!”  Millie races towards her as she steps off the bottom stair of the back deck, grass smooth and cool under her bare feet.    “I thought maybe you were dead!”

 They’ve moved on from their cloud watching and back to their previous activity;  Millie in possession of a lone marker and a pad of paper, Tyler using wooden stakes and a roll of twine to mark the final of the four corners of a small section of land along the fence. Lucy naps on her back under one of the many trees along the one side of the yard,  while Bea -wearing a bright pink harness- finds herself attached to a lead clipped to the clothesline. A way of keeping her from running off.

“As you can see, I’m very much alive.”  Leaning down, she pulls Millie into a hug. Noisily kissing each temple and cheek. 

“It’s almost lunchtime.  You slept forever!”

“There’s no way it’s THAT late.”

“Ten minutes to noon,” Tyler confirms as he joins them. Using a forearm to clear droplets of sweat from his brow, he takes a long pull from a beer bottle.  “It’s non-alcoholic.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything.”

“Yeah, but you wanted to.  I could tell. Remember when I said I’ve been sober? Since you left?  I meant it.  And it’s not going to change, either.”

“It’s really nasty!”  Millie pipes up.   “I snuck a sip. It tastes like shit!”

Esme frowns.  “Amelia…”

“Well, it does! I’m just saying. Look!”  She holds aloft the sketchpad. “Look what we did!”

“What’cha got here?”  Dropping to one knee, she takes the book as Millie settles herself on her thigh.  “What is all this?”

“Those are gonna be our gardens! We’re going to have ten all together! That’s a lot! And daddy says we can plant whatever we want in them. Maybe we can do one with just watermelon!”

“We can plant whatever your little heart desires.  You did this all on your own?”

“I drew everything, but daddy did the measuring and then told me the numbers to write down.  So he would know how big to make everything.  He said in a couple of days we can go to his building place,  get some wood,  then bring it back here and start working on stuff!”

“You’re just quite the little helper aren’t you?”

“I’m not the helper, mom! I’m the boss!”  She scampers off towards the tree in the far back corner of the yard; jumping onto the swing that had only been hung the night before.

“Well, there’s something else she gets from you,”  Tyler chides, curling his fingers around one of her biceps as he helps her to her feet.  “She’s delusional as hell. When it comes to this whole being the boss thing.”

“Oh please.”  Esme gives a dramatic eye roll.  “I’ve always worn the pants and you know it.

“I’ve just always let you think that.”  A hand on the small of her back, he draws her into him, covering her lips with his in a long, slow, impossibly soft kiss.   The tenderness that can exist inside such a big, strong man never failing to take her breath away.  “Good morning. Or in this case, afternoon.”

“Why’d you let me sleep so long? Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“You need the rest more than anyone.”

“You’re still healing too.”

“I didn’t get busted up nearly as bad as you did.  Plus, I didn’t need your help. I’m not a rookie at this being a dad thing. I might be a little rusty…”

“You…” Placing her hands on his hips, she stands on her tiptoes and presses a kiss to the underside of his chin. “...are doing just fine.”

“I didn’t have the heart to wake you.  You just looked so cute; nothing but the top of your head and your toes sticking out from under the blanket.  And you were talking away when I left to make Millie breakfast.”

“What was I talking about?”

“Something about how I was the hottest, sexiest guy on the face of the earth.  The best lover you’d ever had.”

“Man, those painkillers must make me hallucinate.”

Tyler scowls.  “Why are you so mean to me?”

“You know I’m teasing you. Just like you know I think all of those things about you. Thank you…” Wrapping her arms around his torso, she rests her head against him.  “...for letting me sleep. I must have needed it.”

“I just want to take care of you.  Make you happy.  Keep you that way.”

“Something tells me you’ll do a very good job of it.”  Turns her back towards him, his arms circling her waist as she leans against him. Watching as Millie and Lucy snuggle under the tree; Millie talking to the dog and gazing lovingly at her as she gently rubs her ears.  “She’s been keeping you on your toes?”

“From the second she opened her eyes.  I don’t know where she gets it. All that energy.  Either I’m getting old, or I’ve met my match because she can wear me out like no one else. Unless we’re talking about her mother who woke me up TWICE last night.”

Tilting her head back, Esme grins up at him.  “I was needy, alright? Not to mention we have five years to make up for.”

“All the bad people I’ve gone up against, all the times I’ve been shot, stabbed, and gotten the shit kicked out of me?  I will have survived all that, only to have you be the one who ends up killing me. All five feet, one hundred pounds of you.”

“Well, look on the bright side. At least you’ll go doing what you love the most.  And with a huge smile on your face.”

“Doing what I love most? I wasn’t surfing.”

“You fucking asshole!” Laughing, she jams an elbow into his stomach.  “Now who is being mean?”

Tightening his hold on her, he leans down to lightly kiss her temple,  ear, cheek, and finally the corner of her mouth. “You know I’m kidding. Just like you know it IS the thing I love to do the most,  My favourite pastime.  And at times, my favourite food group.”

“No one loves pussy quite like you do, I’ll give you that.”

“Not ALL pussy.  I only love yours that much.”

Grinning, she turns to face him. “How the hell did you ever survive the last five years?”

“I didn’t.” He drops a kiss on the top of her head. “In many ways.”

“But….”  She runs her hands up and down his sides. “....that’s all behind us now.  Or it will be.  Eventually.”

“We’ll get there,” Tyler assures her,  her face cradled in his palms as he kisses her; lips move softly and languidly against her own.

“I…”  She reaches around to pat his ass “...am going to go make myself a tea.  And figure something out for lunch.”

“You figure it out, I’ll cook it.”

She stares at him pointedly. 

“I want it to be edible.”  He chuckles and steps back as she directs a slap at his crotch. “Easy now, easy. You want more kids don’t you?”

“I don’t know,” she retorts, and heads for the house.  “I’m starting to wonder.”

“Hey!”  He calls to her when she reaches the stairs of the deck. “I love you.”

Smiling over her shoulder, she continues her ascent. “I know.”

*****

She familiarizes herself with the kitchen. Opening and closing cupboards and drawers,  and marvelling at how their plans have come to life in front of her. The room had been completely gutted; new electrical and plumbing installed,  discoloured and battered white appliances exchanged for stainless steel and old barn boards repurposed as flooring. Boring and dated wood cupboards and counters replaced with gray-blue topped by white granite;  the smooth surface bearing swirls of blue and silver that shimmer when caught by the sun.  An island with bar stools had also been added, along with a breakfast nook she’d insisted upon.

It’s a pleasant surprise.  That he’d gone ahead with the things they’d decided on together. long ago convinced that he would have gone with different plans to stave off the anger and hurt surrounding what she’d done to him.  

She moves to the far counter; the kettle already filled with water and ready. Smiling when she discovers a box of her favourite brand of tea; already opened and waiting, accompanied by a post-it note bearing a sweet message done in Millie’s printing: “We luv you mommy”.   And it’s as she reaches for a mug from the small selection gathered around the coffee maker when she sees it; a knock-off Hello Kitty cup she’d found years ago in a second-hand store in Kununurra.   One of those unique and quirky treasures you can’t resist picking up; cheap and tacky, but able to bring about a smile and make those early mornings a little brighter.  

Regardless of its low cost and sheer ugliness,  it may as well be made of gold and worth a fortune.  It’s appearance taking her by surprise; emotion tightening her chest and clawing at her throat.  Tears pricking at her eyes as her fingertips trace the picture splashed across the porcelain.

“It’s the only thing you left behind.” Tyler’s voice causes her to give a small start. “Other than the note and your cell.   And you wiped that completely; you didn’t leave a single, goddamn picture on it.”

“I thought it would be easier for you. To accept that I was gone.   I thought pictures would just make things worse.  Give you something to dwell and obsess over.”

Shutting both the screen and sliding glass door, he steps further into the kitchen. “Trust me, I didn’t need pictures for that. I was able to completely dwell and obsess without them.”

“I can’t believe you’d keep this.  It’s just a stupid little mug.   You only paid like five bucks for it.”

“Might as well have been worth a million. It’s all I had.  My only connection to you.”

“I never thought I’d see it again.  I didn’t even realize how much I’d missed it. It seems silly, right? Missing something like this?  Something so simple.”

“I remember how much you liked it.  How excited you got when you saw it in the little thrift store. Your whole face just lit up. And you did that thing you do; when you’re really happy about something. That little bounce up and down on your heels.  I noticed Millie does it too.”

“She did get some things from me. Not many, but..”   Her voice trails off as the emotions get the best of her, clutching the mug to her chest with one hand, as the other comes to cover her face as she dissolves into tears.

“Hey…” He’s quick to comfort her, plucking the mug out of her hand and placing it on the countertop.  Palms repeatedly running across her shoulders and down her arms in hopes of soothing her. “...come on, now.  Don’t do that.  Don’t cry.   There’s no reason to.”

Her head falls against him as her arms wrap around his torso. “I’m sorry.  I’m so fucking sorry.”

“I know.” His palms squeeze her shoulders, then slide around to her back.  Slowly and comfortingly sliding from the nape of her neck to her waist.  “And it’s alright.  It’s…”

“It’s not alright.  It will never be alright. Not really.  I did a horrible thing to you.   I hurt the only person who ever gave a shit about me.  Who loved me regardless of what a mess I was.   Even when I couldn’t love myself.  You almost died for me.  Trying to keep me safe. ALIVE.  And how did I repay you? By totally fucking you over. By…”

“Esme…”  Pushing his hands through her hair, he moves dark strands off her forehead and away from her cheeks, then cradles her face in his palms.  “Don’t talk like that.  That’s not how…or why…things happened the way they did. In Dhaka. I didn’t do it because I needed you to repay me.  And I sure as hell never wanted that. You thinking you had to.”

“You deserved so much better.  Than what I did to you.”

“You did the right thing.  Even I realize that now.  And if I can come to terms with it and accept and admit it…”

“I just left.  I didn’t even give you…US…a chance.  You were right; we could have stuck together and got through it.  We could have just run away and hid; lie low until Nik handled things with The High Table. We could have…”

“But we didn’t.  And we can’t go back and change it. We can’t…”

“I should have stayed.   Or I should have come here; I should have showed up and told you what happened. We could have just left.  Stayed under the radar until it was safe.  We…”

“Listen to me…”   His fingertips press into her cheeks. “...you gotta let this go.   All this shit that’s going on in your head? You need to get it out of there.  I forgive you.  I told you that. I keep telling you. How many more times do you need me to say it?”

“It doesn’t matter if you say it a million times.  If I can’t forgive myself…”

“You need to.   I need you to.”

“I don’t know how.   I don’t know how to let all of this go.  I don’t know how to stop hating myself.”

“Remember what we talked about?  About getting help? That was your idea, yeah?   That we go and talk to someone about all this?  That’s what we’ll do.   We’ll go alone or together or both.  I don’t care how we do it.  But you’re right.  We DO need it.”

“I think I need it more than you do.”

“Even if that’s true, you’re not in this alone.  I’m not going just to throw you to the wolves and make you deal with it by yourself.  We’re in this together.  Just like we were when things went completely to shit.”

“You mean in Dhaka or when The High Table showed up?”

“Both. What is it you said back then?  What do you say even now?”

“We’re stronger together than we are apart.”

“I’m not letting you deal with this on your own.  You just need to trust me.  That I’m not going to bail. Or throw you in the deep end and leave you there.  You’re not alone in this. Far from it.  You trust me, right?”

“You know I do.   You’re the only person I really do trust.”

“It’s going to be okay.   We’re going to get past all of this.  I’m not going to be holding onto the anger and you’re not going to feel guilty all the time.  I’m not going to lie.  It’s going to take some time.  But we’re not going to feel those things forever.”

“You know, when you’re the sensible one? I don’t know whether to be proud or terrified.”

“Always the smart ass.”  Kissing her brow, he draws her into him; hands locked together in the middle of her back.  “No more, okay? No more crying.  You know I hate it when you cry.   And this isn’t why I left that mug out where you’d find it. So you’d feel like shit.”

She draws away, one hand remaining on his hip as the other swipes at the tears on her cheeks. “It’s not the mug. Not really.  I mean, it was. But I was happy to see it.  That’s what started this.  What set me off.”

“You’ve really been through it. Just in the last couple of weeks alone.”

“It’s like a letdown, you know?  The calm after the storm.  So many things happened in New York.  Those people coming after us at Alessio’s and hiring you and seeing you for the first time in five years and you getting to meet Millie...”

“Yeah,  it’s been a pretty wild ride. I won’t deny that.”

“And then you and her nearly get killed and Winston and his bullshit and then the accident and having to stay at Nik’s and…”

“Breathe, Me. Just breathe.  Here…”  Moving to the stove, he drops a tea bag into the mug and fills it with boiling water, followed by a good helping of milk. “...just take a drink and try to calm down.”

“When in the history of telling someone to calm down has it actually calmed them down?”

“Hey, I’m doing my best here.” Pecking her lips, he leans back against the island.  I don’t pretend to have all the answers.”

“It’s just catching up to me. All at once.  It’s overwhelming.   And now being here…in this place…this house…with you….”

“That should be a good thing.”

“It is.  It’s a VERY good thing.   It’s just surreal.   I remember when we first saw this place.   When we came here with the realtor;  when we walked through it and made an offer.  How excited we were when it was accepted.  That’s when it all became so real. When we  realized that things were coming together. We had our own home and our lives were changing. We were changing.”

“Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago. Other times it feels like just yesterday.”

“We had a future.”

“We have a future now.”

“We had plans. Things we wanted to do together.”

“And you know what? We’ll make new plans. We’ll do all kinds of things together.  Only this time? This time it’s not just you and I.  There’s someone else caught up in all this. And if you ask me, that makes it even better.  The fact we have this amazing, beautiful little human we get to share all this stuff with.”  

“You know, sometimes you know exactly what to say.”

“I have my moments.”

“We did good, huh? With her.”

“We did.   And she’s one of the few things I’ve had in this life to be proud of. Other than you. And my son.”

The screen and glass doors slide open and Millie hurries in; Bea cradled in her arms and Lucy scampering behind.

“Mommy! Daddy! I’m hungry! Can we….”  Her voice trails off, eyes darkening and brow furrowing with worry.  And she quickly sets Bea on the ground and rushes over, bare feet smacking against the wooden floor.  “Oh no! What happened? Mommy!”

“Nothing happened, baby. I’m fine.  I…”

“You’re crying! Why?”  Millie glances up at Tyler.  “What’s wrong? Why is mommy crying?”

“She just got a little emotional. While we were talking about some stuff.  It’s nothing serious.”

“You weren’t mean to her, were you?  You didn’t say something nasty and make her cry, did you?”

“I would never.”

“Momma!”  Millie attempts to scale her mother’s legs, and before Esme can scoop her up off the ground, Tyler steps in; sparing her still-healing body extra weight.  “I don’t like when you cry, mom! It makes me sad. It makes my heart hurt.”

“I’m okay, sweetpea.”  Running a hand over Millie’s hair, she presses a kiss to her forehead. “Daddy didn’t do anything wrong.  He’d never hurt me.  You don’t ever need to worry about that, okay? He’s not like Alessio.  He’s far from it.  He loves us.  He wants to protect us.  And he’d do anything to keep us safe.   You never have to worry about someone being mean ever again, alright?”

“Daddy will punch ‘em in the face!”

“I’d do a lot worse,” Tyler promises. “And see…”  He holds Millie lower, so she can see into her mother’s eyes. “...mumma is okay.  It was nothing horrible.  She’s just been through a lot.  It’s all starting to catch up to her.”

“And I got your surprise,” Esme adds. “The tea bags and your little note.  And it just made me a little emotional. To know I’m loved that much.”

“And you got your special cup! Don’t forget that!”

“I could never.  Your dad bought that for me.  Before you were even thought of or talked about, let alone already in my tummy.”

“How did I get in there?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re way too young to know those kinds of things.”

“I’m going to be five, mom.”

“Which is still way too young. Sorry, you’re just going to have to wait.”

“How long do I gotta wait?”

“Until you’re older. So for now…” She lays one hand on Tyler’s back and the other on Millie’s, then leans in to kiss their daughter’s cheeks.  “...you stay little. For as long as you possibly can.”

****

They arrive shortly before three in the afternoon; Alcott bearing his brilliant, infamous grin, one hand holding boxes of fresh baked goods and treats from a local bakery,  the other kept comfortingly and reassuringly on the small of Mia’s back.  He’d called a mere forty-five minutes before;  reminding them that he’d promised Millie he’d visit before returning home, then adding that he wanted to bring a ‘special guest’ with him.  It had been Mia who had volunteered to bring Bea to Australia, Alcott had revealed;   wanting to be a part of the ‘mission’ without getting her hands dirty or having her identity -for both business and personal reasons- out in the open.  The political affiliations that came with her job left little to no room for error;  those with ties  The High Table -and with bridges to burn between them- could result in career suicide.   

And threats to her safety.

A brief yet intense -although calm and rational- conversation ensued.  Tyler was fine with being in the presence of his ex-wife; they’d both been given their closure when she’d visited him in prison and he was more than content with his role -or lack thereof- in her life.  His main concern focused instead on Esme and her feelings. The desire to keep her secure and comfortable in both her own home and their relationship.   Not wanting her to feel as if she were the outsider; face-to-face with his past while they were so intent on enjoying their present and building their future.  But she’d assured him that she was more than willing to meet the woman who’d once been a huge part of his life;  marrying him and giving him a child and going through such a tremendous loss with him.  She was an adult after all;   she was fully aware he had an existence before her, in the same way she’d had one before him.  And while no doubt the experience would be awkward, she had no ill feelings towards the woman;  she’d be kind and welcoming unless she was given a reason NOT to. 

While the men head to the backyard to assemble a wooden play structure for Millie, the women retreat to the kitchen; both silent as they stand across the room from one another. Nerves raw and undeniable;  each hesitant in approaching the other. Unsure of exactly what to say or do to break the ice and alleviate some of the tension. 

Mia makes the first move.  Issuing a shaky, anxious sigh before speaking. “This is…”

“Awkward.” Esme gives an uncomfortable laugh, then leans back against the counter, arms crossed over her chest.  It isn’t the woman’s presence that unnerves her, but her appearance.  While Mia is tall and slender,  they share other features; brown eyes, pale, smooth skin, and long, dark hair.  Not what Esme had expected; long ago painting a portrait in her mind of someone remarkably different; tall and athletic, blond with blue or green eyes.  “Just a bit.”

“I tried to talk him out of this.  Bringing me here.  It’s not a slight against you. I just don’t think it was a good idea. For anyone involved.  Sometimes, no matter how long it’s been or how many chapters we’ve closed,  there’s never a good reason to mix the old with the new.”

“For what it’s worth, you’re more than welcome here.  Russell’s my friend.  My best friend, practically. And you’re part of his life, so…”

Mia manages a smile. “I think you and I are the only two people in this world that call him that.  His real name.”

“He’s such a big part of my existence. And Millie’s.  He has gotten me through a lot of extremely tough times.  All those moments where I thought I couldn’t possibly do all of this on my own and he’d just show up out of the blue; give me a chance to catch my breath.  And  a shoulder to cry on.”

“He’s a very special man. And he talks highly of you. Very highly.”

“We understand each other.   The life that we’re both caught up in.   A regular person wouldn’t be able to deal with it; knowing what we do for a living and where our paychecks come from.  I don’t think I’d want to be in it; if I was living a normal life, doing normal things.”

“It’s not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure. But love makes us do crazy things.”

“It does.”  Esme glances over her shoulder and out the window above the sink; watching as Lucy chases a giggling Millie around the yard. “This must be really weird for you.  Being here.   Seeing Tyler like this.  With a new family.”

“It’s been years;  since we had a family together. Or tried to have one. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult. Watching him with you.  With Millie.”

“I don’t know if there’s lingering anger towards him, or if there’s still some feelings there or maybe even a bit of both,  but we’re not trying to rub anything in your face.  I mean it when I say you’re welcome here; no matter how awkward and uncomfortable it might make us BOTH feel.   It’s not entirely pleasant for me, either.   It’s nothing personal against you, it’s just the whole…’ex-wife versus soon-to-be wife’ thing.  God, I hope I’m making sense.  I tend to ramble a bit.  When I’m nervous.”

“I don’t want you to be nervous. This is YOUR home. I didn’t come here to cause issues.  To make you feel unsettled.  Russell thought it would be good for both of us;  to meet one another, just hang out, talk.”

“For some, my opinion matters to him.  He takes how I feel about things…about people…to heart.”

“Forgive me for asking this, but it’s something I need to know. For my own peace of mind. Did the two of you ever…”

“No. God no. There has never been…and never will be…anything between us. We’re friends. Colleagues.  That’s it.  There’s always been strict boundaries between us; lines in the sand we drew that neither of us would ever cross.”

“You’re used to people asking.”

“They assume; that there’s either something going on or that something has happened in the past.  But I’m telling the truth; neither of us thought about anything else, let alone acted on it.  He’s a wonderful man.  And maybe if we’d met a different way and not travelled in the same circle and knew the same people….” Esme shrugs.  “...who knows.”

“He’s hoping we’ll be friends.  Find some kind of common ground. Other than the fact you’ll be marrying my ex-husband. Soon, by the sounds of it.”

“ We’re planning within the next month.  And while I have no qualms about being your friend,  I have to consider how Tyler would feel about it.  I don’t know where things were left with the two of you. Or where they stand now.  But I can’t delve into something with you without knowing if he’s comfortable with it.  I mean, I’m okay with the idea.  And I hope you are, too.  But it’s only fair that I consider him. And his comfort level.”

“You’re right. It is only fair.”

“I know when he gets something in his head, Russell can be a bit overbearing, but he does things with the best intentions.  He might not always consider all the angles and layers,  mind you, but at least he means well.  And I know my opinion doesn’t hold much water, but you’re good for him. He needs someone level-headed.  Reliable. Someone who gets the job but isn’t directly tied to it.   He’s calmed down a lot; since he met you.  He seems more…I don’t know…settled.”

“It hasn’t been an easy road.  With us. I’m not exactly the easiest person to live with.”

“Well, there you go.  It’s not just the ‘ex-husband thing’ now. We actually have TWO things in common. I’m not easy to live with either.”

Mia manages a small laugh.

“Maybe both these men are gluttons for punishment,” Esme chides, then moves to the stove. Filling the kettle with water and then gathering up mugs; placing them and a jug of milk and a bowl of sugar on the island.   “I hope you don’t take what I’m about to say the wrong way; I can see how you might think I’m sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. But Russell IS my friend and I just want what’s best for him. I want him to be happy.”

“Okay…”

“I think he’s hoping for something more. Something long-term.  Stable. Permanent, even.  And for what it’s worth, I hope things turn out that way. I know he can be stubborn as hell and a complete and utter smart-ass to the point you could just choke him, but he’s a good guy.   He has a huge heart.  And I think he’s pretty crazy about you.”

“I’m hesitant,” Mia admits, and slides onto one of the stools at the island.   “To get too deep into things.  The last time I did?  The last person I trusted to that point? It didn’t end well.  It’s made me very…cautious.”

“Look, I’ve been there, okay.  I don’t know how much you actually know about me, but I was married and it was a disaster.   My ex-husband was a complete and utter prick.  A monster. There’s no other way to describe him.  He was abusive in every way a person can be.  And when things fell apart…”  Preparing the pot of tea, she carries it to the island, setting it down before taking a seat across from Mia. “...I swore ‘never again’. I told myself that I was perfectly okay with spending the rest of my life single and dying a crazy cat lady.”

“Well, something came along and changed everything.”

“Something came along, alright.” Filling both mugs with tea, she slides one across the granite countertop.   “All six foot three, two hundred pounds of it.  I probably would have been able to resist had it not been for the blue eyes and the accent.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that if I can get past all of my ex-husband’s shit and trust someone again, anyone can.  Jesus…”  Sighing heavily, she sips at her tea. “...that sounded really insensitive, didn’t it? Considering what you went through…” 

“No. It didn’t.   At least not to me.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through.   It’s my worst nightmare; something happening to Millie.  And I’m so sorry; that your son got sick and you lost him and your husband didn’t bother to stick around and…” Esme chews nervously on her bottom lip. “It wasn’t fair.  To any of you.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it.  It’s been a while; since I talked about it. About him.”

“I know what Tyler did was wrong.  And I’m not trying to make excuses for him.  He’d be the first person to tell you that I’ve always held him accountable for what he did; I’ve always let him know it was a horrible, stupid decision he made.”

“Tough love.”

“A little, I guess.  But it wasn’t malicious.  It wasn’t intentional.  He didn’t do it to hurt you or your son.   He was scared; he didn’t know how to handle what was happening and he couldn’t deal with seeing his boy suffer.  God, I DO sound like  I’m making excuses for him.”

Mia reaches out to lay a hand over Esme’s.  “You don’t.”

“Tyler had never been taught how to deal with things. Properly.  I mean, I’m sure he told you about his mom; losing her when he was just a little boy.   And about his father; how fucked up and abusive he was.”

“He didn’t talk about it often.  He didn’t like to mention it; how things were for him growing up.”

“He didn’t know how to cope.   He’d never had a dad;  not one that loved him and protected him, anyway.  Tyler has this obsession with fixing things;  he thinks he should be able to solve every problem and make even the most crappy of situations better.  And when he can’t, he just shuts down.  He gets overwhelmed and frightened and he just reacts.  Horribly, sometimes.   And I’m sorry that he did.  You deserved better than that. So did your boy.”

“Did he ever tell you? About the letter I sent him? After our son died?”

“He mentioned that you wrote to him.  But said he didn’t read the letter until years later. I wasn’t with him then; I’d already been gone a couple of years and he was in Austria and we weren’t in contact with each other.”

“I do forgive him.  For what he did.  But I can’t forget.”

“No, I imagine you can’t. I don’t think I’d be able to either.”

“If I’m being honest, things went bad long before our son got sick.  It wasn’t a happy marriage;  Tyler was gone a lot and I underestimated how hard it would be to be a soldier’s wife.  I started to realize I didn’t want that kind of life. I loved him, but I despised him even more.  I was angry, and I was bitter,  and I was lonely.  I made my own bad decisions.”

“Look, whatever went on in your marriage?   Whatever choices you made?   How bad things got with the two of you?  That’s between you and Tyler.   All I know is that neither of you are horrible people.  Shit happens; you were dealt a pretty crappy hand. In more ways than one.  I guess I’m just trying to stick up for him.  Let you know that he’s not a monster.  He’s a good man.  A good man that made shitty choices.”

“You really do love him.”

“I do.  More than I ever thought it was possible to love someone.   And I’m sorry. That your boy and you didn’t get the  Tyler that Millie and I have. Because he IS a good person; a big man with an even bigger heart. And I WILL defend him.  Against anyone and anything.  Until I’m not able to do it anymore.”

*****

“He told me about you.   When I went to the prison to see him; after my sister and her kids were safe..”

“He talked about me? Why would he…?”

“I had gone there to let him know that we’d made it out of the country.  That I’d made a deal with the Americans to place Ketevan and the kids in witness projection.  In exchange for information;  names and faces and whereabouts of people connected to the Nagazi.  And to give him closure.  When it came to our son.”

“He mentioned that you’d shown up there.  That you’d put his mind at ease; when it came to how your boy saw him.  Especially in the end.  Thank you for doing that for him. Because I was able to fix a lot of things and talk him down off a lot of ledges, but I was never able to give him that.  Closure.  No matter how badly I wished I could.”

“He told me that he’d met someone. Fallen in love with them. Made a life with them.   And then he’d lost her.”

“Did he tell you how? Did he tell you what I did?”

“He said that you just walked out.  That you left a note saying you were sorry and that was it.  He didn’t have much to tell me. I was under the impression that he didn’t even  understand why you left.”

“He didn’t know.  Not until he arrived in New York City.  I never told him.   I WANTED to.  So many times I wanted to pick up the phone and call him or text and explain why I had to leave.     I came close so many times;  I’d let it ring and I’d either hang up when he answered or I wouldn’t leave a voicemail.  I’d listen to the greeting though. Just to hear his voice.”

“He told me you were the love of his life.”

“He said that to you?”

“It was a little hard to hear. I guess I always thought it would be me. Or selfishly hoped it would be. But he was so honest about it.  About YOU.   He said you’d saved him; in every way a person CAN be saved.   And that you changed him.  Made him want to be a better man.”

Esme swallows noisily the lump of emotion caught in her throat.  “He’s always been way more than I deserve.”

“I saw the change.  In his eyes. The way he carried himself.  I heard it in his voice; the way he talked about you.   He was in so much pain; he didn’t understand what he did to make you leave and he was so desperate for someone…anyone…to give him some kind of reason.”

“The whole goddamn thing was…IS… such a mess.   He didn’t do anything wrong.  And I didn’t leave because I didn’t love him.  I left because I DID.”

“I was so angry.  At you.  Because  I could see how much he loved you and missed you, and how much you hurt him.   And despite what he’d done to me and our son, I felt protective of him.  I didn’t understand; how you could have claimed to love him so much and given him so much hope and then just walked away.”

“I didn’t have a choice.  I wish there’d been another decision to make. Or that I’d at least been able to think more rationally. Come up with a better plan that included BOTH of us.  But I panicked; I was scared and I didn’t want him getting hurt. Or worse.”

“Russell told me what happened. How the High Table came for you.  Sent an adjudicator.”

“Tyler wouldn’t have survived.  He would have done anything to protect me and it would not have ended well.   I would never have forgiven myself; if something happened to him because he was trying to take care of me.  He’d already almost died once for me; trying to get me safely out of Dhaka.  I wasn’t going to let there be a second time.”

“You did the right thing.  You made the right decision.”

“At that moment, I did.  I wanted to protect him. Even if it meant I had to destroy myself to do it. But I got too many people involved. Friends of Tyler’s lied to him; who knew where I was and kept it a secret yet pretended they were helping him track me down. I made a huge mess of things.  Every step I took seemed to make things so much worse.  And afterwards? When things settled down and Millie was still a baby?  I STILL didn’t contact him.  I kept her a secret.  I didn’t even give him a chance. To be a dad.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I was selfish.  I was scared.  I was convinced he hated me so much that he’d turn us away.  That he wouldn’t want anything to do with her.   And we’d talk about it; having a family together.  He wanted to be a dad again;  he was nervous and scared, but he was looking forward to it.    We both were.   So to keep Millie from him...”

“Sounds like we’ve all made our fair share of bad decisions.”

“Tyler didn’t deserve what I did to him.    He was the last person that should have been punished like that;  he was the only one that ever made me feel loved and wanted.   He spent months trying to fix the mistakes of another man;  helping me pick up all the pieces and put myself back together.  He never complained; he just did it.   And how did I repay him? I left him.  And I kept his daughter from him.”

“He forgives you, Esme.  For leaving.  He may have a harder time getting over keeping Millie a secret;  it’s a hell of a thing to find out that you have a secret child out there.  But he’ll get there.  Eventually.  He’ll forgive you for that, too.”

“But what if I can never forgive myself?”

“You need to.  Because if you don’t,  it’s going to weigh you down.  Cause a lot of problems.   Do you think Tyler wants that? You hating yourself for the rest of your life? He loves you.   If he didn’t,  we wouldn’t be sitting here having this conversation.  He would have left the second he found out you were the one who hired him and brought him to New York.    He didn’t stay because it was a job.  Or because he needed the money. He stayed for YOU.”

******

Millie bounds into the house; cheerfully greeting her mother and then standing at the side of her chair. Wrapping her arms around Esme’s neck and tightly squeezing; giggling when her mom repeatedly pecks her sun-kissed cheeks.  Momentarily scurrying off to grab a juice before returning to her mother’s side. Perching herself upon Esme’s thigh as she peels off the plastic to the straw;  shoving the latter into the hole on the top of the box. Taking a sip with her head tilted to the side as she eyes Mia curiously.

“Hi.”

“Hi.   You must be Millie.”

The four-year-old nods enthusiastically, then takes another pull from her straw.  “Well, my real name is Amelia. Amelia Grace.”

“That’s a beautiful name. For a beautiful girl.”

“But I like being called Millie.  I think it’s cute.”

“It is. It is very cute.”

“What’s your name?”

“Mia.”  

“I like that.  It’s super pretty.  And it kinda sounds like my name. Millie, Mia. See?  Are you friends with my mom?”

“I am now.”

“My dad?”

“Your dad and I have known each other a long time.”

“And your uncle Duey’s girlfriend, right?”

Laughing, Esme plucks the barrettes from Millie’s hair; using a palm to smooth down the wild and unruly tresses before securing them above both ears and her forehead. “You ask a lot of questions.”

“I’m nosey.”

“That I know.”  She nuzzles Millie’s temple with the tip of her nose, then presses a kiss to her cheek.

“Are you? Uncle Duey’s girlfriend?  ‘Cause he really needs one.”

“Millie…” Her mother gently scolds. “...you can’t…”

“He does, mom! He needs someone to love! Someone who loves him, too. Like you have daddy and daddy has you! Are you, Mia? Are you his girlfriend?”

“I guess you could say I am. You know, you’re very smart.  You’re four?”

Millie nods. “I’ll be five in seven months! I’m supposed to be starting school soon. Daddy says once he knows for sure that no bad guys are going to show up and cause problems.  I hope it’s soon! I really want to go and meet new friends and learn new stuff. Do you think it’s different here? School? Than where I lived before?”

“I don’t think it will be too different.  Probably just a lot of different words for things. That you’ll have to get used to.”

“We just moved here, you know. Mommy and I.  I didn’t even know that I had a dad! Not until like a week and a bit ago. Well, I knew I had one.  ‘Cause momma didn’t make me all by herself. But I just didn’t know where he lived. Or what he looked like. Or even what his name was!  And then, BOOM! He just showed up. In New York City!  ‘Cause he wanted to protect mom and me from the bad people.  And get us somewhere safe.  Now we’re here! In our new home!”

“He sounds like a very good dad.”

“He is!  He’s the best daddy EVER.  We do lots of fun things together! He lets me help him cook,  he puts games on his phone for me,  and he lets me watch Bluey on it all the time! Sometimes, he’ll even watch Bluey WITH me!  And he always gives me an extra scoop of ice cream for dessert and reads more than four bedtime stories! Four is supposed to be the limit, but…”

“The more the merrier.” 

“Exactly!”

“Well now that you’ve squealed on your dad and completely thrown him under the bus…”  Esme pats Millie on the hip, an encouragement to slide off her lap. “...why don’t you go and see if he’ll whip something up for dinner. For the five of us.  Maybe throw some stuff on the barbecue while I…”

“Mom, it’s called the barbie here.”

“Okay, little Miss Aussie. The barbie.  Go and ask him, alright? And I’ll put together some things in here.”

“Alright, mom.” Spresses a noisy kiss to Esme’s cheek, then scampers towards the sliding door. Pausing with one foot on the deck and the other still in the kitchen. “Mia? Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Were you the one that brought Bea here? For me?”

She nods.

Millie rushes back into the kitchen; throwing her arms around Mia’s neck and tightly embracing her.  Esme notices how she’s initially shocked;  her entire body stiffening, hands forming tight fists as she considers how to react.   But the longer Millie holds on, the more comfortable she becomes; swallowing noisily and her shoulders relaxing. Tears brimming in her eyes as she returns the hug.

Millie steps back.  “Thank you. For bringing Bea to her new home.  I really missed her.”

“I couldn’t keep a little girl and her best friend apart any longer.  And thank YOU.”

“For what?”

“Just…thank you.   Is it alright to kiss you?”

The four-year-old nods.

Cradling Millie’s face in her palms, Mia presses her lips to her brow. “You are a very, very, VERY special little girl, Amelia.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you or make you think any different.”

“I always say I won’t ever let anyone dull my sparkle!”

“You hold onto that. Until you’re old and gray, alright?”

“Alright.”

“You’re a lucky little girl. To have the mom and dad that you do.  They both love you so very much and would do anything for you.   And you know what?  They’re so lucky…so blessed… to have YOU.”

****

“I am so sorry.” Esme is quick to apologize the moment Millie rushes outside.  “I didn’t know she was going to do that.  Just hug you.  She has such a huge heart; she loves the world and everyone and everything in it.  And she sees everyone as her friend.  I would have stopped her. If I’d known…”

“It’s alright. There’s nothing for you to be sorry for.  It’s been a long time; since I was hugged like THAT.  I didn’t even realize I needed to be. Not until it was happening.  It felt…nice.   She’s an incredible little thing.  Just so beautiful.”

“Thank you. But don’t let that cute little voice and those blue eyes fool you, she can be a handful. And then some.”

“I think we both know where she gets THAT from.  Not to mention,  she looks just like him.”

“I have been hearing that since the day she was born.   The nurses in the delivery room even talked about it; they went on and on about how she must look like her dad.  She had this head full of blond hair;  it was so light and fine, and thick.  She even had his nose and his chin, his ears. Not to mention those eyes.  It was like none of my genes even showed up the day she was made.”

“She reminds me of my son.  I see a lot of him in her.   He was even built just like her;  tall and lanky with legs that seem to go on forever.”

“Tyler says they have a lot in common.  The way they smile, the facial expressions they make.  Even some of their likes and dislikes.   He told me that your boy loved to colour and draw.”

Mia nods.

“Millie’s quite the creator, too.    She always has some masterpiece on the go.   I’m sure our fridge will be covered in pictures soon.  She certainly got her artsy side from him;  I can’t draw a stick figure to save my life.”

A lull falls in the conversation, and Mia uses the opportunity to refill their mugs with the remaining tea.

 “She’s everything I’ve ever wanted,” Esme says, as her fingernails tap against the porcelain of her cup.   “When I was a little kid, I already knew I wanted to be a mom; probably to make up for the fact that mine sucked so badly.   I always swore I’d be nothing like her;  I’d be loving and nurturing and my kiddo and I would do all these amazing things together.  Have a great relationship.”

“From what I’ve seen, you’re doing good so far.   It must have been so hard;  going through the pregnancy and the birth all by yourself.  Not to mention the next four years.”

“It was so bittersweet.  I had this beautiful baby girl. I was finally a mom.  But I couldn’t even share that…her with him.   I wanted nothing more than for Tyler to be there;   go through the pregnancy with him and have him come to the ultrasounds and see his little girl’s heart beating.   All the little things I’d wanted to do with him; buying baby clothes and stocking up the diapers,  decorating a nursery,  and putting a crib together.  And the big stuff;  having him there when she was born and him cutting the cord and cuddling with her.  I wanted all of that.  And I feel so fucking robbed.  Is that selfish?”

“Not at all.”

“To have everything you wanted, but have nothing at the same time.   Do you know how many times I called him?  When I was pregnant with her? At least two dozen.  I always hung up if he answered or didn’t bother to leave a voicemail when he didn’t.   I even took a picture of her right after she was born;  when she was just a few minutes old.   I was going to text it to him;  I attached the photo and everything.   But I couldn’t go through with it. I chickened out.”

“I’m sure he would have loved it if you’d reached out.   I heard it in his voice.  Saw it all over his face.  It destroyed him when you left.  And it was eating him up inside;  not knowing why you did, or where you were.  Or if you were even still alive.”

“I couldn’t take the risk;  that he’d find out where I was and track me down.   Things still weren’t finished with The High Table;  I was still practically under lock and key at The Continental. Not to mention I had my baby to protect.  I couldn’t chance it. Tyler showing up in New York City and The High Table getting hold of him.   I just couldn’t.”

“And afterwards? When things were finished?”

“Like I said, I was scared.  That he’d be so hurt and angry that he would turn me away.   That he wouldn’t even want anything to do with Millie.   I made such a mess out of things.”

“Not that big of a mess. You’re here with him, aren’t you? And your little girl?  I would say that half the battle has already been won.”

They lapse into silence; each lost in thought as they sip at their drinks. And  Esme glances up and out the sliding door as Miilie shrieks and giggles in the backyard; dangling upside down from a branch on the tree in the back corner. Alcott tickling her sides as he keeps a watchful eye on her. 

“She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Esme muses.  “I lost a baby;  when I was still married to my ex-husband.  I wasn’t very far along, but it absolutely destroyed me. In hindsight, as painful as it was to go through it, it was for the best; having a kid with that man would have been a nightmare.   But when my marriage fell apart, I thought that it was it; he’d ruined me to the point that I’d never trust or let anyone get that close to me ever again.  Then along came Tyler. And eventually, Millie.”

“Would you like to have another?”

“I’d love to.   A couple more would be nice.   I think part of me wants it more for him than for myself.  A way of making it up to him, in a way.  Give him the experience he didn’t get to have with Millie.   I robbed him of a lot.  Now it’s my turn to make amends. And it seems like there’s a whole mountain of them waiting.”

“If I learned anything after my son’s death, it’s to take things day by day.  Don’t look too far ahead.  Remember, one step at a time.  You’ll get there, Esme.  It may seem impossible on some days, but you will.”

She nods as she considers Mia’s words. “I can’t thank you enough for bringing Bea here.   It killed Millie; having to give her up for a little while. I honestly didn’t think the job would drag on this long.  Or end the way it did.  I thought I would have been out months ago.”

“I imagine in that circle,  things tend to NOT go according to plan.”

“It’s unpredictable.   Things can change so quickly. I learned that the hard way.  In Dhaka.”

“Russell told me all about it.  How Tyler almost died.   And would have, had you not stuck around to stop it.”

“I couldn’t leave him there.  He’d made his amends; the second he’d sacrificed himself to save me and Ovi.   He deserved a second chance.  And if it meant putting my own ass on the line,  to make sure that happened, it was a chance I was willing to take.”

“He’s lucky, you know.  To have found you.”

“I don’t know about that.”  She glances out into the yard, smiling at the sight of Millie being so effortlessly yet protectively carried about on her father’s shoulders. “But I do know that I’m damn lucky. To have found him.”

[blackwoolncrown]

Also my time in organizing I’ve come to feel like there is no substitute for family and family is what I really want to work on/with. I don’t do middleground socializing well. I don’t think that’s a flaw. I am with an alliance that’s very political and while I KNOW that its work is limited bc of the nonprofit industrial complex and its reliance and involvement with general politics I appreciate how straightforward it is. There are emails. We meet up. We approve things. We organize funding. We are not expected to socialize beyond that and no one’s asking me to attend the fucking group chat or gossip.

I’m also organizing my household. I have two partners and a soul sister and I organize long term and gardening plans with them, doing soft direction and delegation and general Femme of the House shit. And that works because we all genuinely love each  other and show up with compassion. And because these are people I CHOSE to be around because I have genuine kinship and affection for them, I trust that things will work out and constantly stay open minded and unlikely to point fingers or feel attacked by their actions.

The middle ground of comradeship feels a little like the idea of there being inherent ‘community’ in spaces where ppl have like interests- it’s bullshit. In reality y’all don’t love me like that and there’s not enough oxytocin in the bond to keep shit going. At the slightest provocation most ppl default into whatever trigger/ego based narratives of victimhood and start acting funky but NOT actually communicating directly like a mature person would with a person who they do not want to lose from their life. Yet since it’s grassroots no one wants it to be ~too organized~ which, aside from the previously mentioned inability to communicate effectively, directly and honestly- is the second biggest problem with organizing today, and I say this as someone who researches what professionals and long term organizers have to say about this---

people are confused about what makes the bad guys bad and in their efforts not to be like the systems we’re trying to take down they avoid proper structure and anything too rigidly organized which is why the shit falls apart. You need structure. No matter how many daisies you wanna paint on your co-op’s sign at the end of the day if no one wants to be the Big Bad Man by imposing a structure and everyone’s still too stuck in their childhood trauma to adhere to one then it’s not going to fucking work. There has to be a base structure everyone agrees to follow.

You cannot do the work and lack discipline. You can’t.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you actually enjoy going to Walmart? Yeah. We go there twice a month for our grocery shopping and it’s convenient being able to get other non-food stuff that we need there as well. I have a hard time during the holidays; though, cause I wanna buy everything.

Have you ever thought about becoming a crime scene investigator? No.

Do you think you could win on Jepardy? Nope.

Does your mom buy a lot of can foods sometimes? Why? Yeah, we get some canned foods like green beans, soups, and chili beans.

Who is your cell phone carrier? Are they reliable? Verizon. Yeah, I’ve never had an issue with them.

If I asked around, would people say you’re an actually good friend? Yikes... I don’t want to know what former friends would say about me now. 

Where are your siblings at right now, if you have any? My younger brother is here in his room. I’m assuming my older brother is at his house, but I don’t know.

Would you rather choose a shower or a bath? Shower. I haven’t taken a bath since I was a kid.

How old is the computer you’re currently on? It’s a 2017 model.

What does the cover of the last book you read, look like? I’d have to go look cause I don’t remember, but I don’t feel like it.

Have you ever griped someone out just because you could? Uh, no. I don’t go around picking fights. I try and avoid that kind of thing. 

When you’re stressed, are you mean to everyone? >> No, but I’m less likely to be pleasant and easy to deal with. <<< I’m the same way.

Are you good at faking surprises? I feel like I’m so awkward and that it comes off as faking even when I’m genuinely surprised. 

Do people say you complain too much? No. I have a lot I could complain about, but I really try not to do that and keep it to myself. At least in person, anyway... I save all my complaining for surveys and Twitter, ha.

Who was the last person you texted and what’s the relationship between you? He’s my brother.

What channel does your favorite TV show come on? I have a lot of favorite TV shows on different channels. Some are on Netflix.

Do you write long or short replies to texts? Depends on the conversation.

Did the last food you ate consist of sour cream in any way? No.

What color would you dye your hair if you absolutely had to? I like dying it red.

What do you normally call your mother? (mommy, mom, mother, mum, etc.) Mom or mama bear haha.

Have you ever considered changing your sexual orientation? I don’t think of that as something you can just “change.” 

What is something you think you say too much? “I don’t know.”

Where did you lose your virginity, if you have already? I haven’t.

Do you miss any of your past best friends? Yes.

Have you graduated high school yet? If so, what color were your cap and gown? Yes, back in 2008.

When was the last time you punched someone? Was it playful? I’ve never punched anyone.

Do you ever take pictures of yourself with a scrunched up face? Uhh I have.

Does your significant other complain about the way you dress? I’m single, but pfft whomever I date will just have to be okay with my very casual attire of leggings and graphic tees cause that’s what I like to wear. If they don’t like it, well tough titty said the kitty. 

Anyone ever call you a pain in the ass? Jokingly, yeah. Though, I’m sure there’s some truth in it. I know I can be a pain in the ass. I annoy the hell out of myself.

Do you think your friends really do respect you? Yeah, I think they did.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Are you right now? No.

What would you do if a stranger smacked your ass and whistled? I honestly don’t know what I would do, if anything. :/ I would be so shocked and caught off guard that it happened, and probably look at whoever did it like, “wtf??” while getting away from them as quickly as possible. I wouldn’t confront them like I should. Now if someone else was with me, like my parents or brother, they most definitely would. That guy better start running.

What was the brand of gum you chewed last? Probably Orbit.

Do you understand the game of Monopoly? Yeah.

Have you ever had mononucleosis? Was it as bad as it sounds? I’ve never had it.

Do you know anyone who has died from cancer? No.

What is the worst scar on your body? I have a ton of scars.

Are you currently waiting for anything? What would that be, if so? Not really.

Do you like drinking juice? If so, what’s your favorite? Nope.

Do you ever make fun of short people? I’m short, so...

Would you say you’re reliable to be a good babysitter? I couldn’t babysit now. I don’t have the energy for that.

Do you have a lot of responsibilities in your household? No.

Do you think you understand the concept of ‘love?’ I believe so.

Do you use good grammar all the time? Yes. Well, okay, sometimes I go on my rambles and my sentences turn into run ons. I use good grammar majority of the time.

When did you last read a book with one of your classes in school? Back in 2015.

Do you ever accidentaly text the wrong person? It’s happened a few times before, but not often.

Do you feel replaced in any way at all right now? I’m sure former friends have replaced me and rightfully so. They deserve a better friend than me.

Where was the last place you went to just sit and think for a while? When I went to the beach a few weeks ago.

Do you find it hard to talk while crying? I do. Yes. My voice does that shaky thing.

Do you normally have more good dreams or nightmares? My dreams are usually just very random and weird.

Do you think it’s actually possible to have a 'beautiful nightmare?’ Never quite understood that.

Do you like to make fun of people on Youtube? No?

Have you ever held an intervention for someone before? No.

Have you ever wanted to literally kill someone? No.

What was the last television show you watched? Did you like it? Rugrats. Yeah, I still like watching stuff like that. I watch Hey Arnold and Doug, too. It’s nostalgic and cute.

What is your favorite day of the week? I don’t have one. They’re all pretty much the same to me.

Would you say you’re a good liar? Not something I want to be good at it, but sometimes I can be. 

In four words, describe the person you currently like or love: I don’t have feelings for anyone currently in the romantic sense.

Do you ever blame your problems on someone else? I’m always blaming myself for everything.

Would you ever date someone of a different ethnicity than you? Yes.

Are you a fast texter? I’m pretty fast. I’m a faster typer on my laptop.

As a child, were you ever made fun of? What about right now? No.

What is one thing in life that really pushes your buttons? Hmm. I get irritated pretty easily.

Ever think you have bi polar disorder? No.

Do have more traits of your parents than your siblings to? I don’t know if I’d say more or less. I’ve never compared it. 

What is your blood type, if you know what it is? I don’t know.

Do you feel comfortable answering questions about your sex life? I have nothing to say about it cause I don’t have a sex life. Are you more of an open, optomistic person or lonely and pessimistic? Lonely and pessimistic. 

What is the most exciting thing that happened to you today? It’s only been today for 15 minutes, so not much has happened.

Ever have to call the cops on someone? Yes.

Have you ever had braces? Do you have them right now? I have, but not for my teeth.

Does anyone ever confuse your sexual orientation? I don’t think so. 

Do you find what you say confusing sometimes? Yes. I feel like I either don’t make sense or I’m not getting my point across very well a lot of the time. 

[eldritchsurveys]

479.

Do you actually enjoy going to Walmart? >> No, but I enjoy getting what I want, and that often involves going to the store. Walmart, in particular, sells my favourite brand of chips (and none of the other stores here do except, like, World Market).

Have you ever thought about becoming a crime scene investigator? >> No.

Do you think you could win on Jepardy? >> No.

Does your mom buy a lot of can foods sometimes? Why? >> ---

Who is your cell phone carrier? Are they reliable? >> Boost Mobile. They’re reliable enough for my needs, and they’re not ridiculously expensive.

If I asked around, would people say you're an actually good friend? >> I don’t know. I’m not even sure who you would ask.

Where are your siblings at right now, if you have any? >> ---

Would you rather choose a shower or a bath? >> Shower. I never take baths.

How old is the computer you're currently on? >> A few months old.

What does the cover of the last book you read, look like?

Have you ever griped someone out just because you could? >> Just because I could? No?

When you're stressed, are you mean to everyone? >> No, but I’m less likely to be pleasant and easy to deal with.

Are you good at faking surprises? >> I don’t know.

Do people say you complain too much? >> No.

Who was the last person you texted and what's the relationship between you? >> Sparrow is my fiancée.

What channel does your favorite TV show come on? >> ---

Do you write long or short replies to texts? >> My replies are usually short because elaboration isn’t needed.

Did the last food you ate consist of sour cream in any way? >> No.

What color would you dye your hair if you absolutely had to? >> ---

What do you normally call your mother? (mommy, mom, mother, mum, etc.) >> ---

Have you ever considered changing your sexual orientation? >> I’m not sure it works that way. But, hey, maybe it does for somebody. Sexuality has always been fluid for me, but I think that’s by design more than by intent.

What is something you think you say too much? >> There’s nothing that I think I say too much.

Where did you lose your virginity, if you have already? >> In a car.

Do you miss any of your past best friends? >> ---

Have you graduated high school yet? If so, what color were your cap and gown? >> Yes. I don’t remember. White, maybe, since the school’s colours were blue and white.

When was the last time you punched someone? Was it playful? >> I don’t remember.

Do you ever take pictures of yourself with a scrunched up face? >> No.

Does your significant other complain about the way you dress? >> No.

Anyone ever call you a pain in the ass? >> Probably.

Do you think your friends really do respect you? >> ---

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Are you right now? >> No.

What would you do if a stranger smacked your ass and whistled? >> Lose my fucking shit. Whistle all you want but don’t fucking touch me.

What was the brand of gum you chewed last? >> Orbit.

Do you understand the game of Monopoly? >> Sure.

Have you ever had mononucleosis? Was it as bad as it sounds? >> I’ve never had it.

Do you know anyone who has died from cancer? >> No.

What is the worst scar on your body? >> I don’t know, none of them are bad to me because I’m so used to seeing them.

Are you currently waiting for anything? What would that be, if so? >> No.

Do you like drinking juice? If so, what's your favorite? >> Sometimes. I don’t have a favourite.

Do you ever make fun of short people? >> Not unless it’s friendly joking with someone I know.

Would you say you're reliable to be a good babysitter? >> I could be, I guess.

Do you have a lot of responsibilities in your household? >> Our household doesn’t really require a lot of responsibility. Just cleaning, and Sparrow does most of it because it’s really only the wet rooms that require frequent cleaning and I viscerally hate cleaning wet rooms and will only do it when it’s absolutely necessary that I do.

Do you think you understand the concept of 'love?' >> No.

Do you use good grammar all the time? >> I use grammar the way I feel like using it, as a person who is proficient in multiple forms of English.

When did you last read a book with one of your classes in school? >> ---

Do you ever accidentaly text the wrong person? >> No.

Do you feel replaced in any way at all right now? >> No.

Where was the last place you went to just sit and think for a while? >> I don’t usually do that.

Do you find it hard to talk while crying? I do. >> Yeah.

Do you normally have more good dreams or nightmares? >> I normally have more just... weird dreams. Dreams that don’t really make any sense upon waking, so I don’t have any feelings about them.

Do you think it's actually possible to have a 'beautiful nightmare?' >> Sure.

Do you like to make fun of people on Youtube? >> No.

Have you ever held an intervention for someone before? >> No.

Have you ever wanted to literally kill someone? >> Meh.

What was the last television show you watched? Did you like it? >> JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. It’s... something.

What is your favorite day of the week? >> Wednesday.

Would you say you're a good liar? >> I could be, if I bothered.

In four words, describe the person you currently like or love: >> ---

Do you ever blame your problems on someone else? >> No. I do know damn well that sometimes other people have their part to play in shit that happens. But it doesn’t really help to focus on that when I could focus on doing what I can to solve the problem. You can’t make other people take responsibility for whatever you think they’re responsible for, but you can take responsibility for yourself, so you might as well focus on that.

Would you ever date someone of a different ethnicity than you? >> ---

Are you a fast texter? >> I suppose.

As a child, were you ever made fun of? What about right now? >> Yes. No, not right now.

What is one thing in life that really pushes your buttons? >> People being noisy.

Ever think you have bi polar disorder? >> No.

Do have more traits of your parents than your siblings to? >> ---

What is your blood type, if you know what it is? >> I don’t know what it is.

Do you feel comfortable answering questions about your sex life? >> Yes. I don’t have one, anyway, aside from Inworld shenanigans, so they’re easy answers.

Are you more of an open, optomistic person or lonely and pessimistic? >> I am an optimistic and lonely person.

What is the most exciting thing that happened to you today? >> Nothing has happened to me yet.

Ever have to call the cops on someone? >> No.

Have you ever had braces? Do you have them right now? >> No.

Does anyone ever confuse your sexual orientation? >> I don’t know what there’d be to confuse. But I guess people can assume all manner of things.

Do you find what you say confusing sometimes? >> Sometimes, if I use confusing language.

[leorjo]

thoughts on the signs?

WOOO OKAY HERE WE GO

taurus - i know way too many :/ very messy, i love the taurusphobia + jokes abt them being boring bc its true, super materialistic like terrible at managing money its so sad..... ive gotten along well w any taurus ive met tho but theres always shit abt them that makes me mad LHDSFKDF

gemini - not as bad as everyone says they are!!! they can get pretty shitty in some situations which makes the gemini hatred go arnd but theyre super funny LKSHDF ive had a bad experience w a gemini but i dont like to think abt her smh ... other geminis r sexy and fine 

cancer - honestly just kind of a meh sign theyre not super memorable theyre just kinda there but the one cancer ik irl is very demanding and can be super bitchy like its super annoying honestly SLKDHFSF

leo - super sexy but im biased 😳we have our gripes obvsly like were rlly bossy and hate when shit goes our way and ik this from experience as a leo and my dad being a leo like one of us always has to prove were right LOL but like!! were super out there and loving and rlly easy people to get along with

virgo - ok just like ... annoying as hell SLDKFF i have an irl whos a virgo and sometimes she just says annoying shit like stuff thats genuinely annoying but also unnecessarily rude like shit thats more sensitive material but also they also say everything they think which is like ~ooo ppl are just sensitive they cant take criticism~ but like shit thats genuinely hurtful -_-

libra - Ok . i get along with libras SO well . so well . but ive had rlly bad experiences with libras and just . WHY DO U GUYS HAVE TO LIE ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME ... literally they lie about everything to make themselves look better and theyre terrible at lying . they can be very guilt trippy and very demanding for things and its super annoying

scorpio - i think theyre snakes LKHDLFSDFH ive just had annoying experiences w scorpios and they also just have argue abt shit

sagittarius - MAYBE IM BIASED BC ELI KIHBA IS A SAG BUT I LOVE THEM .... i get along with sags SO well like leos and sags are just incredibly compatible so thats why i love them sm LOL and there are a few rlly bitchy sags out there but idk theres just somethin abt them theyre very chilled for a fire sign and like u just have to get to know the sag to be able to move past the closed-offness w them? and then its just very good after that 

capricorn - my favorite earth sign!!!!!! i rlly like caps theyre not as bad as taurus and virgos imo theyre very funny and chill like theyre like cancers w the no one rlly gives a shit about them theyre pretty high on my list of favs

aquarius - okay i love aquarius ....... i think the sign is just so sexy like i get along with them well and i dont know a shit ton abt them and who they are besides the fact they r more emotionally unavailable but i like them a lot

pisces - man FUCK pisces . the literal worst sign out of them all like i dont know anyone that actually likes them LKSFSHDF i have never had a good pisces experience like theyre all guilt trippy, always looking for a fight regardless of who the person is to them, incredibly needy and demanding emotionally but like not in a good way and then that turns into not giving a shit abt other ppl

aries - okay aries are good but like ... they stress me out LOL like ok my moms an aries but shes not as . wild as the rest of aries are like i love them but just the impulsive and reckless nature rlly kills me and stresses me out LKDSHFHSDF

ask me for my thoughts on things

[braindamageforbeginners]

Day... Something

First off; this isn’t the final descent into Charlie Gordon territory; it’s just that my radiation treatments, chemotherapy, and experimental treatments have been desynchronized thanks to those slackasses in the radiation lab selfishly taking days off for Christmas and New Year’s (as I griped to the receptionist, “It’s just cancer, it can wait”). Although this is annoying, the current worst-case outcome of this situation is spending time arguing with pharmacies and insurance companies to coordinate things and get me more chemotherapy doses (or, as I call it nowadays, “Thursday”). I think it’s radiation day #13 (of 30) and chemo day #20 (of 42)(maybe; I might be looking at an extra week of chemo)(dreams do come true). But I’ll discuss that more later.

Big news; I think I have a solution - sort of - to the hair-loss problem. First of all, even though I always thought I wouldn’t be vain enough to be bothered by hair loss; but this one is definitely different - it’s not a sort-of natural bald look; it’s like a not-insignificant patch of scalp has been completely denuded by some deranged barber (which, come to think of it, isn’t totally inaccurate). And only on the right side of my head. In other words, if you saw me, you would undoubtedly know that there was something seriously wrong with me. I like to at least have a conversation with people before alerting them to that fact, so, like everything else, I figured it out. I took a multi-hat approach, which I’d recommend everyone else take. First off; you’re going to want a general-use, emergency-back-up hat that you can do most major activities in, because there’s a chance that becomes one of your primary hats (as, indeed, happened with me). You want a hat for the gym/errands/informal day-wear; in my case, this is the emergency back-up hat, because no one warned me the exact date when my hair would start falling out, and that was what I had. Fortunately, the emergency cap had the qualities I would recommend for the informal hat; it’s a baseball cap, so I don’t have a big brim that can snag when I’m doing shoulder presses; it’s leather and cloth, so I can sweat in it without fear; and if I completely destroy it, I’ll be out $10. And, even though it’s nothing I’d wear to a formal event, I don’t look too bad in it. However, for more formal activities (and “formal” here means “anything more important than going to the gym or corner store”), you’ll probably want something else. Feel free to do whatever you want; maybe your durable, sweaty cap will do double-duty for you (and, if so, kudos to you); I consulted with those sacred texts that always give me strength during the darkest hours - Wodehouse’s “Jeeves” stories, of course; and Wodehouse delivered the goods: ‘If I might suggest, sir – it is, of course, merely a palliative – but it has often been found in times of despondency that the assumption of formal evening dress has a stimulating effect on the morale.’ ‘You think I ought to put on a white tie? Spode told me black.’‘ “I consider that the emergency justifies the departure, sir.’” So, something with a little more pizzazz than the average cap. Not one of those awful trilbies every moron wears with their crocs - which, as an intriguing side-note, led me to a delightful primer on hat choices for the well-dressed gentleman (https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/brand-thats-not-a-fedora-and-stop-wearing-it/). Something with enough brim to protect me from the ravages of the sun. You can probably see where I’m going with this; by the time I walked into Ye Olde Hattery, I had a pretty good idea what I wanted. As far as I can tell, the only downside to Stetson ownership is that you have to fight the urge to kill Gene Hackman with a Peacemaker. And it goes really well with long-sleeve button-up shirts, which I’m wearing more of, these days, thanks to those kidney-destroying antibiotics that make me sunshine-averse.

Good news, the radiation folks think my hair will grow back (which may or may not mean anything, since they also thought my hair loss would be minimal). They also reassured me that my weird, lop-sided look was somewhat trendy. The exact phrasing was, “You’re probably not into the tattoo or body-modification scene, but a lot of our patients in those circles have hair like that.” I think I get a gold star for not freaking out about how old that implication seems (not to mention I’ve had my skull pierced many times, and had to rebuild my neural pathways, which seems like a pretty dramatic modification). She (the radiation tech) wasn’t too happy when I pointed out that people who voluntarily choose to get haircuts like mine tend to terrorize college towns whilst besmirching the reputation of tiki torches.

I’m feeling probably worse than I ever have in my life. The good thing is, whenever I wake up, I know that’s probably about as horrible as I’ll feel all day, so at least that’s out of the way. The bad news is that the hangovers might kill me well before the cancer can. We’ve all had days where we woke up and quickly realized that was a mistake (waking up, I mean); we rarely get to wake up and felt - in every cell of our being - that it was a mistake. Thankfully, for those moments, there’s zofran, which gets my vote for greatest discovery of the 20th century. And not only does it take care of the nastiest chemo/radiation side effects, it so effectively destroys any tummy trouble that I can drink lots of coffee in a relatively short time - which is what it takes to get me moving, since, even with zofran and Tylenol, everything hurts, and I feel like I need a nap.

Good news; this week will mark the end of week 3, by the radiation calendar, and that’s when the worstest side effects are supposed to develop. Which doesn’t mean new symptoms or side effects can’t develop, or that current side effects can’t get worse (OH GOD, THE HAIR LOSS)(ALSO, OH GOD, THE SKULL-SPLITTING SUTURE-ACHES!); but, hopefully, if I can avoid the lethal tumor/inflammation headaches, seizures, and nausea this week, it’ll mean it’s less-likely to show up again in the coming year. I also used the word “hopefully,” which is usually an indication I’ve said something completely moronic and God is preparing to send an asteroid down on me. I might already have gotten a preview of that with the radiation calendar vs the chemo calendar discrepancy. For those of you at home; standard of care for GBM patients is thirty days of radiation treatment, spread over six weeks, and at-home chemo drugs every night for all six weeks. Followed by a rotation of 3-4 weeks without any treatment, and a week of chemo. Because I’m signed up for a miracle cure, my physicians want me in pretty much every single week for the next year for an infusion, or a blood sample, or a check-in, or more chemo, or maybe just to poke at me with a cattle prod (of course; that’s a best-case scenario; if everything goes horribly awry, they cut me loose after six weeks because the treatment’s not working). Unfortunately, because the radiation techs took off about a week for the holidays, I’ll burn through my temodar a week before my last radiation appointment. Right now, one of the nurses (and/or Research Coordinator) is working to reconcile these things. So, I can look forward to bureaucratic snags in the near future.

Anyway... WEIGHT: 217 lb. CONCENTRATION: Bad, but when you’re only getting a few hours of sleep a night and relying on assorted chemicals to prop you up. At this point, I’m really impressed by those people who can maintain a serious cocaine/heroin/alcohol addictions for years, because I’m completely burnt out after three weeks. Except for the zofran; I’m going to be completely reliant on that for years (that’s a somewhat tasteless joke, but I honestly have no idea how long all of this on-again, off-again treatment could go). MEMORY: Good. I think. I’m not sure; I haven’t really had a day requiring much recall. APPETITE: Good. ACTIVITY LEVEL: Excellent, considering that I start each day praying for death. I went to the gym today for several hours.  SLEEP QUALITY: What sleep? COORDINATION/DEXTERITY: Pretty good. I haven’t had any accidents or major missteps in the last few days, which is excellent, for me.  PHYSICAL: I am slowly becoming Bilious, the oh God of Hangovers (look it up). BUT, I haven’t puked (knock on wood), I haven’t missed any treatments. And I’m still going to the gym, so, ironically, from the neck down, I look better than I did ten years ago. SIDE EFFECTS: Far too many to count, but I’m still here and sort-of functioning. So, uh, hooray for that.

[meyamoart]

yum.???

lmao im a pervert who enjoys pain.

_______________________________________________

Being a third year at U.A. had it’s set of requirements and goals, so the few days Kirishima got to sleep in were gold, he wanted to cherish them and hold onto every minute of sleep he could get.

So, despite his friendly demeanor when awake, he was a grumpy person to wake up. When he heard familiar moans, and the shuffling of his bed sheets, he wasn’t immediately thrilled. The rough warm strong hand rubbing and squeezing at his thigh was slowly pulling him out of his daze.

“Eejirou..” Kirishima looked to his side, and saw Katsuki with uneven breathing and flushed cheeks. Katsuki was laid out on his back, head thrown back into the pillows, his eyes gazing directly into Kirishima’s eyes.

A giggle drew Kirishima’s eyes away and Kaminari was nibbling on Katsukis lower abdomen and biting his hips. Kaminari gave Bakugou’s head a quick lick and Katsuki whined out, griping Kirishimas thigh harder. Kaminari giggled again and he took Katsuki’s length in his hand, slowly pumping.

Kirishima felt a tinge in his crotch, and his sleepy daze was now gone. He gave Kaminari a smirk, and took Bakugou’s face in his hand, slowly kissing him. Kaminari placed his hands on Bakugous thighs and began to take his whole length in his mouth. Bakugou shivered, and his moans were swallowed by Kirishimas mouth,

“You like that babe?” Kirishima whispered to Bakugou, who pouted and tuned his face away. Kirishima smiled and took the opportunity to kiss his neck, dragging his teeth along his pale skin. Adding to the fading love marks from before.

Kaminari continued to lick and suck Bakugou, hand reaching out to Kirishima, who noticed right away and went to share a passionate kiss with him, Bakugous length between their tongues. Bakugou covered his aroused gaze an blush with his hand at the sight. Kaminaris hands tangled into the red strands and pulled him deeper into the kiss. Kirishima pulled away to catch his breathe, giving Kaminari one last peck on his lips, then turning his attention to Bakugous chest. Kaminari started to suck on his own fingers, preparing them in salvia smirking at Bakugou. Bakugou propped himself up on his elbows,

Kirishimas hand gently went up his chest, and he left butterfly kisses around his pecs, and then nibbled on his nipple. Kirishima licked and pinched them, his sensitivity went up as he felt a finger prodding at his entrance. Kaminari spread Bakugous legs apart some more, and pushed a single finger into him.

Bakugou bit his lip, staring into Kaminari’s golden eyes. His hand entangled in Kirishimas hair, who was busy leaving small wet trails down his abodomen. Kaminari inserted another finger, moving slow.

“Shit, come on Denki stop holding back.” Kaminari let out a small huff,

“Then you know what to say come on.” Kaminari gently kissed his inner thigh, and rammed two fingers in. Bakugou gasped out, tugging at Kirishimas hair.

“fuck, please baby, come on fuck me.” Kaminari smiled and kissed his thigh more,

“Good job babe.” then began to pump his fingers in merciless, now Kirishimas mouth was around Bakugous head, sucking and licking only his head. Bakugou felt his orgasm build up, his eyesight whiting out at the pleasure from Kaminari’s fingers hitting his good spot.

“Fuck, fuck, i love both of you so much.. fuck…” Bakugou pulled Kirishimas hair, pulling his face off of him and cumming all over his face. Kirishima licked up what he could, smiling brightly.

Kaminari sat up straight and brushed strands out of Bakugou’s face.

“Good?” Bakugou smirked at him, and nodded, his eyes starting to close. Kirishima wiped most of Bakugou’s cum off, and leaned over his relaxed body to share a deep kiss with Kaminari.

He went over Bakugou, and pulled Kaminari into his lap, his hands roaming the blondes slim toned body. Kaminari pressed their chests together, his hands exploring the redheads strong muscles, their hands entangled in their body and hair, Kaminari slowly pushing him down onto his back. They broke their making out, Bakugous fingers slowly trailed Kaminari’s sides, they basked in the silence.

“I love you so much, both of you.” Kirishima whispered, Bakugou smirked and turned away, while Kaminari smiled brightly

“We love you too!!”

Kaminari rolled his hips into Kirishimas hips, and reached to the nearby cabinet for some lube. Kirishima let his arm relax at his side and the other behind his head. Kaminari popped the cap open and spread the liquid onto his hand, and proceeded to cover Kirishima’s length with it. Kirishima let out a small growl in his throat, enjoying the feeling as Kaminari spent a little too long slowly rubbing and squeezing him.

Kaminari, now on his knee’s, adjusted Kirishimas cock at his entrance and just slammed down. Kaminari’s back arched and he let out a breathy broken moan, Kirishimas hips soon moved at a rough slow pace, slamming into Kaminari each time merciless. Kaminari ran his finger nails up and down his chest, leaving scratch marks.

Kirishima grabbed Kaminaris hips and began to thrust into him quick, low moans and growls emitting from him.

“Ah..Ah Ah AH! Fuck yes Eejirou that’s so good ah yes..” Kaminaris’ pleasurable cries filled the room, and Bakugou found himself fully awake and aroused again, palming himself watching his two boyfriends fuck each other. Kaminari locked eyes with Kirishima, letting out a playful wobbly smile, Kirishima knew he was in for a show, as Kaminari ran his hand down his chest, fingers circling his nipple and pinching it, his other hand jacking himself off. He brushed his hair out of his face, and kept saying his name over and over again. Kirishima slammed into him harder, then a pair of hands pulled Kaminari off and onto his back, Bakugou pounced on top of the blonde and held his hands above his head. Kissing him roughly.

“You fucking tease.” Kaminari shrugged as he returned the angry blondes kisses, pressing their bodies together. Bakugou picked up and poured lube all over his own length, he then got off the bed and pulled Kaminari to the edge, throwing his legs over shoulders and he pushed into Kaminari, growling out.

“You need this baby you know it.” Kaminari held Bakugous face in his hands and Bakugou slammed into him Bakugou didn’t say anything, just enjoying the feeling of Kaminari around him. Kirishima sighed, both of them were always so much trouble.

Kirishima went over and kissed both of them, swallowing up their moans, and then holding both their heads as they shared a kiss. Kaminari’s legs were shaking and he came all over his own stomach and chest. Bakugou didn’t stop slamming into him, smirking at the sight. Kaminari had drool slipping put his mouth and his words became moans more than anything.

“Bakugou, you should’ve waited your turn.” His face was pulled up, and sharp teeth bit into his neck. He gasped, as his back was pressed against Kirishimas warm chest, fingers teasing at his entrance. Then he was thrown back down, hand on his back, Kirishima slammed into Bakugou, causing him to rock into Kaminari, who whined out and threw his arms around Bakugou, Kaminari grabbed onto Kirishimas hand, and Kirishima slammed into Bakugou. Bakugou whined out, with Kaminari. Both of them screaming out Kirishimas name, Kirishima just licked his lips,

“You both look so cute right now.” He continued to slam into Bakugou, and Bakugou into Kaminari. Kaminari and Bakugou shared a passionate wet kiss as they both came, and Kirishima pulled out in time to cum all over Bakugou’s back.

As Kirishima laid down on bed, pulling Bakugou to cuddle, his sleep was sinking back in, along with Bakugou, they yawned and pulled each other close.

On the other hand, Kaminari had gotten up to sit on the edge of the bed, throwing on a loose t-shirt and some briefs. He dug through the cabinet and pulled out his box of cigarettes, both Kirishima and Bakugou sighed.

“Babe, come on we asked you to not smoke anymore.” Kaminari didn’t say anything as he got up and walked out to the balcony.

“I’ll do it outside so we don't get caught.” He turned back and gave them a big old smile. Bakugou grunted, Kirishima felt him tense in his arms.

“Doesn’t matter, still hurting yourself.” Kaminari looked at Bakugou, a bit coldly, and shrugged

“Funny, coming from you. Pierce or Tattoo yourself anymore and you’ll be fucking kicked out.” Bakugou’s drowsiness was lifting and he jolted away from Kirishima

“I just want you to stop smoking those fucking cancer sticks, what I do is just.…” Kirishima rubbed his face with is hands, ‘Not this again’ he thought.

“You love pain, time to realize babe.” Denki snapped at Bakugou

“Please, both of you stop. It’ll be fine, Denki , just make it quick it’s cold out. And we gotta get ready for patrol today.” With that, both blondes retreated from the argument, Bakugou cuddling and falling asleep, Kaminari spending the rest of the time outside, probably burning through half the pack.

Kirishima, despite his uneasy feeling, went back to sleep as well.

-*-*-*-

They all had internships with different hero’s. So, when they realized many of them were patrolling the same part of the city, they were delighted. The stress and seriousness of being a hero didn’t stop them from being teenagers. Bakugou was patrolling with Mina, and normally Bakugou didn’t care for holding conversations but he could talk with Mina for hours, and she was good at camera hogging so Bakugou could usually disappear from the media. Kirishima stood around the park and mainly played with kids, avoiding getting caught by by his supervising hero. Kaminari, was surprisingly quiet and solo today, usually he would run off with Deku Iida and Sero, and go find some ‘great hero-ing’ to perform. Out of the three of them, Kaminari was the most known, it seemed strange considering the fast track Bakugou was on when they all started at U.A. It was fine though, out of all them, Kaminari always seemed to handle people the best. Kirishima was sitting in the shade with two kids, watching the people come through the park, joggers, parents, students. The atmosphere was so calm, it hadn’t felt this nice in a while. The chilly spring wind started to kick in, and he urged the kids to go get their sweaters and jackets from their mothers.

The late afternoon was kicking in, and he decided to go patrol more busy areas of the city. As he reached a subway station and city center, he spotted Deku Satou and Asui, he waved hi, and jogged over to them.

“Hey guys!” They all chatted about splitting into teams and what routes to take. Today so far, Asui has stopped some purse snatchers, and Satou and Deku stopped a few robberies and assaults, overall it was very calm. Kirishima admitted to slacking a bit and Midoriya laughed and told him to come with him.

They separated, and off they went. Midoriya and Kirishima didnt say much to each other, just looking around.

“So..” Kirishima snapped his head to look at Midoriya, and he smiled brightly, waiting for him of finish speaking, “How are ya, and Bakugou.. and… uhm..” he blushed a little, “Kaminari.” Kirishima laughed and put his arms around Midoriya, patting him on the back full force. Midoriya gave an embarrassed smile.

“We’re great. Thanks for asking.” He let out a deep sigh. “I can tell their worried, school’s almost over and it’s like whats going to happen. You know ? Even if Bakugou says he has had his life planned out since 3.” They both laughed. It died down, and Kirishima stared at the people in front of him, but his eyes glazed over. They were alright, weren’t they? He chewed on his bottom lip and the grip he had on Midoriya tightened. Midoriya poked Kirishimas cheek playfully.

“Eejirou?” Hearing his first name jerked him out of his thoughts. ‘That was weird..’

Midoriya wore a serious expression now and he was looking around cautiously.

“Did you also hear the explosions?” Kirishima did not, but now he was on extra alert, he pulled away from Midoriya, looking up at the sky. The cold winds brought it dark gray clouds taking away the sunlight.

“No, but, somethings happening.” He cracked his knuckles and they both started speed walking around for the source of the noise.

Another explosion and he already knew, that crackling and cussing.

“BAKUGOU!” He ran straight to the explosive hero, who was caught in a battle, running up beside him, ready to fight “Whats the situation?”

“Some assholes were causing shit with citizens, we tried to get them to fuck off and they just started attacking Mina!” As dust cleared and more hero’s were running he saw Mina in between two of the villians,

“I see her, she seems okay.” Bakugou grunted, of course she was. He just doesn't like how violent it became.

Midoriya did the fastest rescue he could of citizens. He ran up to both the redhead and blonde.

“Backup is coming, do you know these guys? From what I can tell they seem to have the same type of quirk as Mina.” They watched as Mina was practically dancing around their attacks, but despite her easy going defense she still couldn’t shake them. Midoriya jumped forward to help her. Kirishima running behind him, thats when another explosion went off a block away, and he saw electricity shooting up wildly. Bakugou was already running towards the electricity. Kirishima stood there in awe and confusion, that couldn’t be Kaminari, he controls his electricity, but he watched Bakugou run towards it like his life depended on it.

-*-*-*-

His feet were throbbing and the soles of his shoes were practically burned off with how much he’s been running through explosions, fire and destruction but Kirishima would not stop following his friend no matter how, or what gets in his way. One of the main pillars in his way is a angry blonde, screaming after him

“Stop, Kirishima, come back let him fucking go!!” Bakugous voice sounds tired, maybe even a croak in their voice. But he can’t pay attention to it, his other friend is even more lost, more hurt, right?

“DENKI, DENKI STOP, PLEASE.” He’s not crying he swears, his hand reaches for the jacketed arm in front, but it pulls forward and he feels the hair on his forearms raise an the electricity in the air raises.

A crack and light blinds him for a second, Kirishimas arms raise up to cover his face.

“Kirishima, shit!” He looks to his side and Bakugou is grabbing onto his shoulder, trying to catch his breathe.

Kaminari stopped running too, now turned to face them. He has a wicked grin spread across his face.

“Quit it loser, don’t call me Denki either idiot.” He brushes his blonde locks out of his face, pushing it all back. He held his head up high, and his chest puffed out. “You are revoked from calling me by my first name.”

Kirishima whimpered. One second they were out doing internship hero work and next, their being attacked by their own boyfriend. But this was all some trick, most likely Kaminari is under mind control.

“Fuck you, you piece of shit, I won’t call you anything but fucking scum!” The angry ash blonde stepped in front of Kirishima, almost shielding him from Kaminari’s view.

“Keep running you piece of shit, go ahead run to the fucking villains , cos if you fucking stay here we’ll kick your ass!” Bakugous hands began to light up and crackle.

Kirishima was too late to pull him back as he started walking towards the blonde firing away. Kaminari didn’t dare hold back either, he continued to fight. Kaminari had ripped the choker he was gifted off, throwing it at Bakugou laughing. Kirishima knew better than to get in-between Bakugou and Kaminari and their arguments. They weren’t exchanging words but their actions spoke for them, eventually the fire and electricity stopped and Bakugou was pulling at Kaminari’s shirt, throwing a punch, Kaminari, receiving said punch and giving one back, his knee digging into Bakugous side, they continued to pull and push each other until Bakugou had managed to pin Kaminari down.

Kirishima rushed to their side, he wasn't crying he swears.

“Get off Get off me now you bastard!” Kaminari was screaming at the top of his lungs.

Bakugou began to light up his hand again, his fierce red gaze locked with yellow gaze below him. Kirshima lunged at Bakugou, throwing him off Kaminari

“NO! Don’t hurt him!” Kirishima knew he was being weak, he understood Kaminari was betraying them. Before Bakugou could go off, Kirishima crawled back to Kaminari, who was kicking his feet out scrambling to stand back up, Kirishima grabbed his jackets sleeve.

“Denki… why.” He wiped away the tears, that he swears is just sweat.

As Kaminari struggled to stand back up, he would sneak glances at Kirishima, his cheeks, nose and eyes were flushed red and his hand looked burnt and skin was starting to become black. His goal was to escape, flee. He already set off the trap and got all his classmates stuck in a hole full of villains causing destruction, but like he expected from these two. They got away not only did they get away they stayed right on his tail all the way on his escape route. He reached the meet up point but Shigaraki wasn’t here yet, so he will just have to wait for him to show up, but he has to get rid of them first.

It doesn’t matter, he tells himself, but his gut knows that if they don't leave now, it will be ugly, a mess he can’t clean up. It doesn’t matter though, it doesn’t, ‘fuck it let them.. let.. them d-di..e’. Kaminari keeps thinking that to himself, ignoring the glow from Bakugous hands, he holds his breathe ready to let out a violent whole body jolt. He finally catches his breathe and tries to get up, but soon, a red blur is in front of him. Hand reaching out, he flinches.

“Denki..” the soft voice, so kind, Kaminari couldn’t resist. He had the juice. That voice that could reason with Bakugou was even more powerful on him. Rough warm hands cupped his face, and he felt the tremble from his sobbing.

“Eijirou… please leave.” he leaned into the hand, he shoulders relaxed.

“Don’t fucking touch him, he doesn’t deserve it!” The warmth ripped away, Bakugou pulling Kirishima behind him,

“Stop Katsuki please he’s just made a mistake He still loves us!” Kirishima sniffled, Bakugou grunted and pushed the redhead away, lighting his hands up. Kaminari shot up and into a defensive position.

“Hah, shutup, I never loved either of you!” Bakugou threw his hands at him and he kept jumping back, smirk returned and laughing. ‘Remember your goals Denki.’

“He’s right Kirishima, I’m done holding back I’ll just knock you both out.” He started sending out jolts of electricity at both of them. Kirishima hardened up but still didn’t fight. Bakugou kept shouting out at Kaminari,

“shut !UP you fucking piece of shit!!!” He let out a growl, running forward again.

“Me?! You’re the piece of shit, you should just quit the hero thing Katsuki you already know you’re a failure.” Bakugou almost tripped over his feet, he caught himself, he looked up at Kaminari with the deadliest intentions

“Shut.Up.” Bakugou hissed out.

“Shit, you couldn’t even pass the provisional test first try! and I DID! Hah, imagine that! Me a true villain could do it, and you couldn’t.” Bakugou wouldn’t move, and again Kirishima was there his arms wrapped around Bakugous arm,

“D-Don’t listen, he doesn’t mean it, you know it..”

“I remember, you tried to hide it, tried to fight it out, your feelings of failure, but at the end of it all you could do was cry on my shoulder, you’re a failure Ka-stu-ki~.” He let out a nasty throaty laugh, Denki was sparking lighting again. Kirishima pulled Bakugou behind him now, and Bakugou’s breathing was ragged and broken.

How could he, the Bakugou Katsuki, let someone betray him like this, he let this stupid villainous traitor in. He really was a failure wasn’t he. He let this person get close when he shouldn’t have and now not only is he hurt, but so is the other person he cares about in this world, Kirishima.. This anger, this confusion. Bakugous fiery hands grabbed onto Kirishimas shoulder and his head hung low.

“Denki, stop.” Kirishima stood tall now too. He walked closer, but the electricity around Kaminari just became more violent

“Stay away!!!!” Kirishima reached his hand out,

“Denki, come here.”

“Stay. Awake. Eijirou.” His visibly twitched, he didn’t want him to stay away. He wanted to take him, both of them with him. Hide them away, keep them, they were a symbol of his humanity, the few sweet moments that pulled him out of his true bitterness. He had to leave them behind to be truly strong though. He knew this, yet

he let out violent volts at both of them, Kirishima turned away and hardened his body to protect both himself and Bakugou, but Bakugou had pounced out around him and ran threw the electricity, finally landing explosions right onto Kaminaris chest, his clothes set on fire and Kaminari screamed out.

His instincts kicked in, and his hands reached out for Bakugou’s neck, wet from the tears that were falling, his hands squeezing. Bakugou wheezed and scratched dug his own digits into the ones around his neck. Kaminari was squeezing the life out of him, Bakugou wouldn’t give up, he started scratching and pulling at Kaminaris face, hair neck, chest, wherever he could. Trying to spark his hands up, explosions going off in Kaminaris face.

“Stop.. stop it you two please.” Kirishima was tired, not physically, but mentally. He couldn’t even catch his breathe. He looked around him, he felt eyes watching. They were not alone anymore.

Kaminari now had Bakugou pinned, still choking, summoning strength from his pain. This is how you win, this is real power. Being able to destroy anything, anyone in your path.

Bakugou was twitching, he couldn’t believe it, then he started kicking , he can’t do it, he wants to hurt him, destroy him, but his boyfriend was choking him out while his tears fell on his face, mixing with his own. Blood rolling down his nose, his eyes rolled back. “fuck…i love you…” he whispered

“Denki..stop..” Kirishima crawled over. “Katsuki.. Katsuki.. can you hear me?”  He stood up, holding his side “Stop..” he watched as they both cried , life leaving both of them.

“STOP!”

Kaminari felt cold, very cold. He looked down, Kirshima was, under him? He suddenly had a hard time breathing, his chest was going to collapse. An arm sticking out of his body, fingers stabbed right under his chest. His beautiful golden eyes were dulling out, they met teary big red eyes, Kaminari reached out to Kirishima, he smiles.

Kirishima wasn’t crying anymore, he was silent. All he could do was stare at he warm blood running down his hardened arm, he follows it to the source. Kaminaris chest.

He softened his whole body, slowly pulling out covered in blood and tissue. Bakugou was practically unconscious on the floor and Kaminari was gasping, becoming colder each second passing by.

“No, No no nO!! Im sorry Denki no!” Kirishima pulled Kaminari to him, laying him down in his lap, his pulled them both to Bakugous body, he put his hand over the wound.

“It’ll be okay babe, it’ll be okay, I'm , I'm sorry i’ll fix this. Okay? Denki answer me.”

Kaminari just looked at him, nodding. Kirishima kept pushing his hair out of his face, digging through all of their supplies for bandages, wrapping Kaminari up as best as he could, talking to both of them.

“Nod, okay you can hear me right, Katsuki , are you feeling better? Nod, both of you nod for me.” He was clearly unraveling, his sounded scared, he looked even more scared. He somehow managed to stop the bleeding, but the gash needed attending now.

Bakugou’s throat didn’t look too good either, purple yellow and green from Kaminari’s hands.

Kirishima jumped when he heard snickering, Shigaraki jumped down from where he was watching, holding his arms out.

“Beautiful, this ended so much more beautiful than I could have ever planned. I wonder how All Might will feel knowing his kids are out here killing each other.” He laughed again, Kirishima leaned over both blondes, growling

“Fuck off, you can’t have him, you can’t have either of them!!!!”

He heard screams, and suddenly people were flooding the scene, Deku was one of the first on the scene….

[lalka-laski]

Do you actually enjoy going to Walmart? I do! I actually prefer it to Target & other big-box stores because there’s less snobs. Plus, prices are usually better.

Have you ever thought about becoming a crime scene investigator? I am way too sensitive for that. There’s no way. 

Do you think you could win on Jeopardy? I’m decent at it when I watch at home but I could never win. 

Does your mom buy a lot of can foods sometimes? Why? I live on my own & do my own grocery shopping. I do buy a lot of canned beans, chickpeas etc. And soups!

Who is your cell phone carrier? Are they reliable? Verizon. Yeah, I’ve never had an issue with them.

If I asked around, would people say you’re an actually good friend? I believe so. The worst someone can say about my friendship style is that I can be a bit flaky and distant. But I’m always there when truly needed.

Where are your siblings at right now, if you have any? My older sister is at home & my younger sister is at work 

Would you rather choose a shower or a bath? I love baths but they’re not practical for when I have to wash my hair

How old is the computer you’re currently on? Uhh... it’s my work computer so I have no idea

What does the cover of the last book you read, look like? The book I’m currently reading has different shades of blue and I think bubbles as the background?

Have you ever griped someone out just because you could? What does that even mean?

When you’re stressed, are you mean to everyone? I get irritable & maybe a bit snippy but I could hardly be described as “mean”

Are you good at faking surprises? I’m not good at faking much of anything. I’m too easy to read. 

Do people say you complain too much? I’ve never been told that. To my face, at least... 

Who was the last person you texted and what’s the relationship between you? Ryan, he’s one of my really good friends

What channel does your favorite TV show come on? I don’t watch regular TV. Just Netflix & Hulu 

Do you write long or short replies to texts? Usually on the wordier side

Did the last food you ate consist of sour cream in any way? Nope

What color would you dye your hair if you absolutely had to? I dye it a champagne-ish blonde that’s a bit lighter & ashier than my natural shade

What do you normally call your mother? (mommy, mom, mother, mum, etc.) Mom or mama

What is something you think you say too much? "Like,” “Oh my god,’ or really any other quintessential white girl phrase 

Where did you lose your virginity, if you have already? My bedroom at my parents’ house 

Do you miss any of your past best friends? I’m content with everyone who’s still in my life. If a friendship deteriorated in some way, there must’ve been a good reason for it. 

Have you graduated high school yet? If so, what color were your cap and gown? In 2010. And my cap and gown were navy blue I think?

When was the last time you punched someone? Was it playful? I playfully punch Glenn all the time because he’s just so darn cute. It’s called “cuteness aggression” I believe? 

Do you ever take pictures of yourself with a scrunched up face? Nope?

Does your significant other complain about the way you dress? Not at all! He only ever compliments my outfits. And fortunately, he likes me best in what he calls my “cozy clothes,” specifically big loose sweatshirts & pajama shorts.

Anyone ever call you a pain in the ass? Yeah, I’m sure we all have at one point or another

Do you think your friends really do respect you? Of course. I’m sure they don’t respect or agree with some decisions I’ve made but ultimately, they respect me as a person. What kind of friends would they be if they didn’t? 

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Are you right now? In the past, yes. But right now I’m in the most stable, healthy, outrageously loving relationship imaginable. Sometimes I have to pinch myself!

What would you do if a stranger smacked your ass and whistled? It’s happened before. I once literally punched a guy at a show for grabbing my ass. 

What was the brand of gum you chewed last? I’m not much of a gum chewer so I can’t remember

Do you understand the game of Monopoly? Hardly

Have you ever had mononucleosis? Was it as bad as it sounds? I contracted it my freshman year of college & my mom was losing her shit because my symptoms were suggestive of herpes. She was SO relieved when I got the test results back and we learned it was “just” mono.

Do you know anyone who has died from cancer? Yes

What is the worst scar on your body? I got a gnarly gash on my upper thigh the other day (no idea how?) and I’m certain it’ll turn into a scar. 

Are you currently waiting for anything? What would that be, if so? I’m waiting for this day to be over. 4.5 hours to go... 

Do you like drinking juice? If so, what’s your favorite? I do! I try to stick to low-cal drinks but when I do drink juice I love grape purple or white), cranberry or fruit punch. 

Do you ever make fun of short people? Only playfully and only if I know the person is comfortable joking about it. Otherwise, I don’t believe in making fun of traits a person has no control over Would you say you’re reliable to be a good babysitter? Yes, I’ve been babysitting pretty regularly since I was about 15 & I have a great track-record and tons of references. 

Do you have a lot of responsibilities in your household? It’s just me and Glenn. I do admit that I take on more household tasks but it’s only because I don’t speak up when things need to be done. He IS helpful, but household chores don’t come intuitively to him the way they do for me. That’ll change soon enough, I’m sure. Until then, I just gotta keep reminding him what needs doing. 

Do you think you understand the concept of ‘love?’ Now I do

Do you use good grammar all the time? I try to

When did you last read a book with one of your classes in school? I’ve been out of school for several years now

Do you ever accidentally text the wrong person? That’s my nightmare! When I send a “risky” text I quadruple check that it’s going to the right person

Do you feel replaced in any way at all right now? Mmm nope 

Where was the last place you went to just sit and think for a while? My bed

Do you find it hard to talk while crying? Oh yes. For that reason I usually get silent when I’m upset because I don’t want to risk my voice cracking and making me feel worse

Do you normally have more good dreams or nightmares? My dreams are innocuous, just very bizarre. 

Do you think it’s actually possible to have a ‘beautiful nightmare?’ Possibly? 

Do you like to make fun of people on Youtube? Uh, no. I’m not in fifth grade 

Have you ever held an intervention for someone before? Nope, although arguably people have held interventions for me.

Have you ever wanted to literally kill someone? Not literally, no. 

What was the last television show you watched? Did you like it? Glenn & I have been watching Toast of London. It’s super funny!

What is your favorite day of the week? Hm, lately it’s been Wednesdays because with my new schedule, they’re basically my Saturdays. 

Would you say you’re a good liar? I’m TERRIBLE, actually. 

In four words, describe the person you currently like or love: LOVE OF MY LIFE

Do you ever blame your problems on someone else? I’m more inclined to blame myself or just my shitty luck 

Would you ever date someone of a different ethnicity than you? Of course. And I have. I’m not a bigot.

Are you a fast texter? Quite fast, but I make a lot of mistakes. 

What is one thing in life that really pushes your buttons? Well, to piggyback off my answer from a few questions ago: bigotry of all kinds really bothers me. 

Ever think you have bi polar disorder? Yeah

Do have more traits of your parents than your siblings to? Actually thinking about it, yeah kinda. 

What is your blood type, if you know what it is? O Positive 

Do you feel comfortable answering questions about your sex life? Yeah I’m pretty open about it Are you more of an open, optimistic person or lonely and pessimistic? Open & optimistic. That doesn’t mean I don’t close myself off sometimes. But generally, I’m the former. 

What is the most exciting thing that happened to you today? It’s just a typical work day. The most exciting thing that’ll happen to me will be when I get to leave. 

Ever have to call the cops on someone? I once saw a young girl looking very distraught on a bridge in my town. I called 911 because I feared she was about to jump. I never got any followup about it but I think she’s ok. 

Have you ever had braces? Do you have them right now? I had them for wayyyyyy too many years

Does anyone ever confuse your sexual orientation? People do ask me if I’m bi quite often because I refer to girls as “hot” and “sexy” and I speak openly about my girl “crushes.” I’m only sexually attracted to men, however, I do find girls more pleasing to look at. 

Do you find what you say confusing sometimes? Yeah, and I’m sure plenty of other people do too

[lavieboheme930]

794

Do you actually enjoy going to Walmart? used to back in the day

Have you ever thought about becoming a crime scene investigator? >> No.

Do you think you could win on Jepardy? >> No.

Does your mom buy a lot of can foods sometimes? Why? Cause you can never have too much soup.  I do the same.

Who is your cell phone carrier? Are they reliable? TMobile

If I asked around, would people say you’re an actually good friend? Yes

Where are your siblings at right now, if you have any? N/A

Would you rather choose a shower or a bath? >> Shower 

How old is the computer you’re currently on? 4 years old

What does the cover of the last book you read, look like?

Not going to bother looking for a pic of it 

Have you ever griped someone out just because you could? No

When you’re stressed, are you mean to everyone? No

Are you good at faking surprises? No

Do people say you complain too much? >> No.

Who was the last person you texted and what’s the relationship between you? Steph, my best friend

What channel does your favorite TV show come on? TruTV

Do you write long or short replies to texts? depends on the text I’m replying to

Did the last food you ate consist of sour cream in any way? >> No.

What color would you dye your hair if you absolutely had to? Any

What do you normally call your mother? (mommy, mom, mother, mum, etc.) mommy, mom.  Sometimes I’ll say mum even though I’m not English lol

Have you ever considered changing your sexual orientation? No

What is something you think you say too much? Probably talking about Taron

Where did you lose your virginity, if you have already? Still a virgin.

Do you miss any of your past best friends? Yeah

Have you graduated high school yet? If so, what color were your cap and gown? Yes, but I was homeschooled so no cap and gown

When was the last time you punched someone? Was it playful? Never

Do you ever take pictures of yourself with a scrunched up face? >> No.

Does your significant other complain about the way you dress? N/A

Anyone ever call you a pain in the ass? No

Do you think your friends really do respect you? Yeah

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Are you right now? >> No.

What would you do if a stranger smacked your ass and whistled? I’d be pissed off that’s for sure

What was the brand of gum you chewed last? No idea

Do you understand the game of Monopoly? >> Sure.

Have you ever had mononucleosis? Was it as bad as it sounds? >> I’ve never had it.

Do you know anyone who has died from cancer? Yes

What is the worst scar on your body? One on my lip from splitting it open from falling off a skateboard as a kid

Are you currently waiting for anything? What would that be, if so? Elton John concert in April!!

Do you like drinking juice? If so, what’s your favorite? Apple

Do you ever make fun of short people? No cause I’m short myself

Would you say you’re reliable to be a good babysitter? Yes

Do you have a lot of responsibilities in your household? Nah but there really isn’t any

Do you think you understand the concept of ‘love?’ Sure

Do you use good grammar all the time? Nope, only at work since I’m an author

When did you last read a book with one of your classes in school? I haven’t been in school since I graduated college in 2005

Do you ever accidentaly text the wrong person? Yes

Do you feel replaced in any way at all right now? Somewhat.

Where was the last place you went to just sit and think for a while? Hugh Jackman’s cafe 

Do you find it hard to talk while crying? I do. >> Yeah.

Do you normally have more good dreams or nightmares? good dreams

Do you think it’s actually possible to have a 'beautiful nightmare?’ No

Do you like to make fun of people on Youtube? >> No.

Have you ever held an intervention for someone before? >> No.

Have you ever wanted to literally kill someone? No

What was the last television show you watched? Did you like it? Friends.  And of course it’s my favorite show!!

What is your favorite day of the week? Any really

Would you say you’re a good liar? No

In four words, describe the person you currently like or love: No

Do you ever blame your problems on someone else? No

Would you ever date someone of a different ethnicity than you? Sure

Are you a fast texter? Yes

As a child, were you ever made fun of? What about right now? Yes as a child.  No now.

What is one thing in life that really pushes your buttons? Tourists 

Ever think you have bi polar disorder? >> No.

Do have more traits of your parents than your siblings to? N/A

What is your blood type, if you know what it is? >> I don’t know what it is.

Do you feel comfortable answering questions about your sex life? I don’t have a sex life so questions about it annoys me since not everyone has had sex yet.

Are you more of an open, optomistic person or lonely and pessimistic? I try to be optimistic 

What is the most exciting thing that happened to you today? My shirt that’s a replica to the one Taron wore in Rocketman came in the mail today

Ever have to call the cops on someone? >> No.

Have you ever had braces? Do you have them right now? >> No.

Does anyone ever confuse your sexual orientation? No

Do you find what you say confusing sometimes? Yes

[3ezentrum3-blog]

Body Beautiful - Wellbeing

Growth significantly affects the Australian people group and influences a great many families and their friends and family every year. As per Cancer Australia, at current frequency rates, one of every three men and one out of four ladies in Australia will create disease by the age of 75. By age 85, the hazard increments to one out of two for men and one out of three for ladies. The most widely recognized malignancies in Australia (barring non-melanoma skin disease) are prostate, colorectal (vast entrail), bosom, melanoma and lung tumor.

These measurements don't paint a pretty picture; be that as it may, there is some uplifting news. On a positive note, the greater part of all growths analyzed in Australia are effectively treated, and survival rates for some basic tumors have expanded by more than 20 for each penny in the previous two decades. When all is said in done, Australia survival rates for malignancy are high by world models.

The quantity of new malignancy cases is rising every year and subsequently the dominant part of you would have been influenced by growth, be it by and by or through a nearby relative, companion or associate that has endured. For those of you battling the malignancy fight or helping somebody experience it, this article gives tips to enhancing mental self view through what is a to a great degree troublesome and enthusiastic time.

Male pattern baldness

For most ladies, incomplete or add up to loss of hair is the most horrendous appearance change looked amid tumor. Despite the fact that you may not think thus, it is additionally a standout amongst the most effectively camouflaged. Balding can happen everywhere throughout the body, from the make a beeline for eyebrows and eyelashes.

Here are a few hints for male pattern baldness on the head:

Trim you hair before treatment - male pattern baldness when hair is shorter is less sensational and diminishing looks better with a shorter style.

Visit a wig expert before balding happens so they can best match your normal shading - manufactured wigs are best as they are effectively watched over and less expensive than human hair. Never brush the wig when it is wet - rather lay it on a towel back to front and let it dry normally.

On the off chance that you are not an enthusiast of the wig alternative, attempt scarves, caps, beanies, and turbans or comparable on the off chance that you wish to cover male pattern baldness. Make these piece of your mold proclamation!

Utilize a mellow cleanser and light hair conditioner to abstain from harming weak hair.

Ensure your hair and take when off in the sun.

Once the hair has developed back after treatment, stay away from synthetic medicines for no less than a half year.

Loss of eyebrows is another regular symptom of chemotherapy. A temples gel makes the most regular look. To influence them to look more full utilize an eyebrow pencil in a shade like your hair shading or wig shading and utilize the 'speck and plume' procedure.

Loss of eyelashes or part of the eyelashes is likewise normal. A dream of eyelashes can be made by drawing a line with an eyeliner pencil following the eye shape totally. A little measure of eye shadow may likewise help. On account of diminishing eyelashes, mascara is as yet material and will influence your eyes to seem greater and seem to thicken the lashes that remain.

Liquid maintenance

Some chemotherapy medications can cause liquid maintenance in the body. This type of swelling is by and large most discernible in the feet, lower legs, hands and face. Swelling may likewise happen with hives as a major aspect of a hypersensitive vascular response, which causes an expanded capacity for liquid in the cells to 'spill' into layers of the skin. Swelling of the aviation routes can likewise be caused by chemotherapy drugs, which may prompt trouble in relaxing. It is vital to look for help quickly in the event that you are feeling side effects of swelling of the aviation routes and have shortness of breath.

The manifestations of liquid maintenance to pay special mind to include:

· Feet and lower legs get bigger when you sit or walk.

· Hands feel tight when you make a first.

· Rings are too tight.

· Abdomen gives off an impression of being swelling or stretched.

· Shortness of breath (particularly when resting).

So as to deal with this liquid maintenance and swelling the Cleveland Clinic Cancer Center has these tips:

· Elevate your legs however much as could reasonably be expected.

· Do not remain for extensive stretches of time.

· Avoid tight dress.

· Do not fold your legs over and over again.

· Reduce salt admission.

· Try to eat an adjusted eating regimen.

· Wear Jobst or TED tights.

· Take your solutions precisely as endorsed.

· Diuretics may help as they work by influencing you to urinate additional liquid - however check with your specialist before attempting.

Skin harm

Skin is one of a few zones influenced by growth medications, for example, chemotherapy and radiation. Dry skin is an exceptionally regular issue amid treatment, so this is an opportunity to truly spoil your skin. Utilize a delicate facial chemical, a non-empowering toner and a lotion made particularly for dry, touchy skin. It's anything but a smart thought to shed as the skin is exceptionally delicate amid this time.

Sun introduction ought to be kept at the very least amid treatment and radiotherapy patients should check with the doctor before applying creams or sunscreens to the zone being dealt with. For those experiencing chemotherapy, a sunscreen ought to be connected of SPF 15 or higher before saturating and it ought to be reapplied in standard interims.

Red, smudged skin with an uneven tone can likewise be the aftereffect of disease medicines. In any case, help is within reach here with the utilization of green-based redressing concealers, which remove the red from rosy skin. Utilize the green concealer on clean dry skin, after a cream and afterward apply establishment over the best to veil the green and level out your skin tone.

Pallid skin

Pallor is dull yellowish skin shading. The most ideal approach to redress this is to apply a Lavender base to your skin, which will give a yellowish appearance a sound sparkle and cover lack of color. Following this, establishment and powder function admirably. On the other hand, a simple and speedy option for the individuals who don't need the look of cosmetics is a tinted cream.

Dark circles

Numerous ladies gripe about looking worn out and drawn amid chemotherapy, with dark circles shaping under their eyes. To shroud these, utilization a yellow based cream concealer to kill somewhat blue/purple discolouration. It is vital to apply establishment over any concealer to try and out your aggregate face skin tone.

Fragile nails

Nails can likewise be influenced amid treatment so taking the highest of care with them as of now is critical. Fingernail skin ought not be cut - fingernail skin removers ought to be utilized. A decent fingernail skin cream can be kneaded into the fingernail skin to avert dryness, part and hangnails. Gloves ought to be worn whist doing family tasks and great hand cream is prescribed frequently to saturate your nails and hands.

Touchy mouth

Disease treatment can result in an especially dry and touchy mouth. In addition numerous individuals experience the ill effects of mouth ulcers, which can drain and make talking and eating a difficult affair. A liquor free mouthwash can help with the agony, and sustenance beverages and shakes can enable you to get the supplements required when eating strong nourishment causes torment.

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Much thanks to you.

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