#greyromantic simon snow

[angelsfalling16]

So, I’ve been thinking about what a demiromantic/greyromantic Simon would be like, and I was originally going to make this into a fic, but I decided to just leave it in the idea phase and share it with you all to see what you think.  I wanted to explore it in an au where they haven’t been roommates for years and take the time to become friends before anything happens, but this could also be explored through a Watford-era fic.

Also, this is a bit long and rambling, so bear with me.

So, Simon and Baz have been talking and hanging out and growing closer, and Simon starts to wonder if this could turn into something more. The only problem is that he isn’t really sure where that line between romantic love and platonic love.

Realizing that he might have feelings for Baz is the best and worst thing that could have happened to Simon because, yes the possibility of having a crush on him is nice, but he is so confused about his feelings that it stresses him throughout the day and occasionally keeps him up with wondering about it.

He wonders if Baz has this same problem. Does he think about Simon all the time and wonder what it means? Or is it easier for him to know for sure whether what he feels is romantic or not? Simon doesn’t understand why it’s so hard for him to figure it out. Shouldn’t it be easy? You either like someone or you don’t. There shouldn’t be this much confusion, but still, Simon can’t say either way for sure if he has those kinds of feelings for Baz.

He decides to make a list of things that he does know for sure and go from there.

He knows that he likes spending time with Baz and would like to do even more that.

His heart always does this little stutter when Baz messages him or smiles at him, and the butterflies in his stomach seem to constantly being going crazy.

He loves talking to Baz and wants to spend time together the way couples do.

When he goes to bed at night, he imagines Baz holding him as they fall asleep together. It isn’t necessarily anything more than that. It’s just a nice feeling.

The idea of calling Baz his boyfriend feels nice. It makes him smile in this absolutely foolish way that no one should ever see.

He has imagined kissing Baz, and he doesn’t think that he would be against it.

He even gets jealous at the thought of Baz finding someone else. But is that fair of him?

Even with this list, he isn’t sure how he feels, so he decides to make another list. This time it’s things that he isn’t sure about:

Whether his feelings could be considered romantic.

If any of this means that he and Baz would be a good couple.

If all of these things mean that he wants to be in a relationship.

He isn’t sure of much really except for the fact that he has grown to care deeply about Baz and feel strongly about him, and the thought of losing him because of his confusion frightens him. He is worried that Baz won’t be willing to wait for him to figure out because what if it turns out that all he has is this ability to love him platonically? Will Baz think he was just stringing him along? Will he grow to resent him for it?

Simon doesn’t want Baz to hate him, and he decides that he needs to try to figure this out, both for his own sake and for Baz’s sake, so he starts googling.

He types in “How do I know if I have a crush on someone?” and the first thing that pops up is a wikihow page about how to recognize if you have a crush, so he clicks on it and starts reading. The first think on the page is an Urban Dictionary definition of a crush: “a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special.” It doesn’t take long at all for Simon to say yes, that describes how he feels about Baz. But then the next thing the page talks about is the different types of crushes.

Simon is easily able to say that it isn’t an admiration crush or a passing crush, but that still leaves him wondering if it’s a platonic or romantic crush. They both describe how he feels really well, especially when the romantic crush section says, “If you fantasize about kissing, holding hands with, or cuddling with that person, you probably have a romantic crush.” Simon has definitely fantasized about all of those things, but for some reason, he still has some doubts. Something is telling him that he could be wrong, so he keeps reading.

When he gets to the part where it says, “Consider whether or not your crush is all you think about,” he remembers how Penny once had to put a limit on how much he could talk about Baz. Simon makes it through the rest of the article, and a lot of what it says really resonates with him. And then the last thing the article says is that if there has been a specific person on your mind while reading, it means that you likely have a crush on them.

So, maybe he does have a crush, but he wants to understand why it’s so hard to figure it out and be sure, so he starts googling other things. He looks into different romantic orientations beyond just gay, bi, or pan because he’s pretty sure that if he’s into guys, he’s probably into girls too, but that isn’t what he’s interested in right now. He’s looking for something that might explain why he doesn’t fall for people the way that others do.

Eventually, he stumbles across a page about aromanticism, which leads him to one on demiromanticism and another on greyromanticism. After reading about all of them, he starts to think that greyromantic describes him more because of some of the way it is described:

- “Feeling ‘between’ aromantic and not

- “Only infrequently or rarely experiencing romantic attraction”

- “Feeling unsure about how to identify romantic attraction or how to draw the line between romantic and nonromantic, and consequently feeling unsure about having experienced it or not”

It isn’t a perfect fit, but it at least gives him a bit of an explanation for how he feels. The next thing he does is look up what the difference between platonic and romantic attraction is, but he doesn’t get a clear answer from anyone. It seems like it’s something he will have to figure out on his own. And he does want to do that.

While looking up the different romantic orientations, he also stumbles upon something about having a relationship with someone even though you might not experience romantic attraction, and that leads to him spiraling down into more questions.

Is that what it would be with him and Baz? Would Baz be okay with that? Even though Simon isn’t sure his feelings are romantic, he knows that he feels very strongly about Baz and wants to spend time with him doing couple things. The only problem is the question of whether he feels romantic attraction.

He thinks he does. Would it be wrong of him to ask Baz to wait for him to figure it out? To ask him to let Simon explore this thing, a relationship with him, so that he can see if it is what he wants. He doesn’t want Baz to end up resenting him in the end if it turns out that Simon only feels a romantic attraction, but he really wants to figure this out before he loses Baz completely.

He worries that it won’t be enough for Baz, that Baz won’t want to try this, but he knows that he wants to at least talk to Baz about it. Simon eventually decides that it can’t hurt to ask, to tell Baz about his confusion and talk through what the both of them want.

Even with all of the reading Simon did, he still isn’t sure about any of it. He does know that he wants to have feelings for Baz, and he would like to explore the idea of a relationship. But he worries that it won’t be enough.

He hopes that talking to Baz won’t go as badly as he thinks it could, but there is a part of him that thinks Baz will get angry and turn away from him, not wanting to even be friends when he finds out that Simon feels so lost.

Communication is key with all of this. Simon is awful at it, but he wants to try. He knows he’s been a terrible boyfriend in the past, and he still isn’t sure how to do it, but he thinks he might like to try.

He wants to try to make it work with Baz in any way that he can.

Anyway, Simon finally talks to Baz about it, but it is up to you all to figure out how it ends.

I know how I want it to, but I’ve talked enough, so I’m going to stop rambling now because this turned out 3 times longer than I thought it would. Thank you to anyone who actually read all of this. <3

[nonbaznary]

its aromantic spectrum awareness week and therefore id like to say:

agatha wellbelove is aro

penelope bunce is greyaro

simon snow is demiaro

baz pitch is aroallo

shepard is quoiaro