#greatwhiteco

[greatwhiteco-blog]

day one.

First off, there is nothing here you haven’t read or heard a thousand times before. Whether it be in a self-help book, a podcast, or you’re grandmother’s life lessons. I have no business to be writing anything. My grammar even sucks. Buttttt I have a goal. Thank you Rachel Hollis. I have a goal to write and continue writing because life is messy. 

I’ve tossed the idea around to write a book. Great idea right. No. I have no idea what to even write about unless it’s myself so I think journaling is a good start. There. This is a journal. A place to breath after my job drains all the compassion I have and my four year old throws a tantrum that I will most likely be able to vividly recall in 30 years. Refreshing and basically a place to dump the shit that I need to get out of my head. 

So who am I and why would you ever care to read on? I am no one special. I have faced trials and tribulations the same as everyone else. My anxiety which sparks up too much likes to remind me I am different, unpredictable, and a lot of times unworthy. I fight with myself almost daily to get up and take a shower. 

Wow. It’s terrifying to put this out there. To admit such things. Depression is no joke, my friend. Whether it’s seasonal depression or the kind that chases your every single thought - I hear you. I feel you. I completely understand you. Maybe you have hit the point where you can acknowledge this and are working on it. Yay girl! Self care is life and SO important unless you’re 13 and positivity isn’t cool. In that case, you have life to live and shouldn’t be on here anyways. Go learn what a sock bun is and get ya self some blue wet and wild then come chat.

Some people can function normally and not think about themselves every 30 seconds. Then there’s my kind of people. The ones who have such negative thoughts. Not a single thought either that you can stew on. It’s like pressing rewind on a VHS video tape in the early 90′s. Scenes from the film fly by on the screen. Little to nothing makes any sense and your brain can’t keep up with such high speeds of images to process what’s happening in the story. Oh and it’s rewinding. You aren’t looking to the future with your sidekick anxiety. No you are forever hashing out the details of events that have already happened. Over thinking and analyzing situations that have happened. Like there is not a damn thing you can do to alter the outcome. Done. Final. No more. Period. But here I am two years later stewing over a comment someone made to me, blaming me for their drug addiction. 

Let’s chat on that. Let’s get this shit off my chest. Dump site, right? Drug addiction. What a fucking roller coaster. That’s moot point at this moment. The true point is two years later. That’s 25 months. 100 weeks. 740 days. I knew at the moment shit hit the fan that I wasn’t the one to blame. I didn’t force or cause anyone to make such piss poor decisions (resentment I still have. Could ya tell?). I knew, but I still blamed myself. Crazy, right? I still blamed myself for maybe being so horrible. Like I didn’t smile enough, keep the house clean enough, wasn’t “happy” enough. Whatever bullshit I could think of to place the blame on myself, I did. 

So. Fucking. Wrong. I did not cause the drug addiction. It had been going on for 13 years prior to me. I could have been the most ideal person for this guy and he still would have made the choices he made. Let’s repeat that last sentence. He still would have made the choices he made. Nothing, not a damn thing I did or said was going to change that. Therefore, it sure as hell won’t matter 2 years later. 

Just this morning on my ridiculous long drive to work, I was listening to the Mindset & Motivation podcast by Rob Dial. Good shit if you need a quick boost of energy. He gets straight to the point with realistic tips to help you change your mindset and therefore you habits and therefore your life. Dial discussed the top 5 things you need to stop doing at this very moment so you can achieve the best life possible. One of which was you have to stop living in the past. You wouldn’t drive a car while looking in the rearview so why would you even bother trying to steer your life to happiness and peace while looking back at all the bad shit that got you here? I suck at reversing so I’m re-examining my mindset.

Please tell me other people get this. The racing mind, the self loathing. Please tell me other people are trying to make changes in their lives, in their mindset. 

So again why bother to read my rambles? Well I’m a sweary twenty six year old, living the good life in Maine. I’ve got some good stories and some pretty shitty ones. I’m just beginning my story. The greatest journey I have yet to take. To find happiness and peace in my own way. I don’t ever plan to shit rainbows and eat cotton candy (I absolutely HATE cotton candy! Don’t get me started on cotton balls). I plan to find peace in the sound of a tattoo gun as my bones are rattling from whatever design I came up with a half hour ago. I plan to find peace at the tip of my kayak in the middle of a lake in complete silence. I plan to find peace in teaching my four year old her letters and how not to take shit, but always show kindness. I plan to find peace where I learn to love myself. I plan to drown out the negative thoughts I encounter by the minute by coming to the conclusion I am worthy. 

ya get my drift? hollah at ya girl in the comments.