#granted I went to sleep at 4am

[wyvernspirit]

To the person who asked for cat!Gem and Goat!Pearl i promise I haven’t forgotten you I just crashed after 4 days straight of socialising

[no-144444]

mistakes and miscalculations- c.leclerc

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pairing: charles leclerc x fem! reader

summary: a fight and a mistake leads to something worse.

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You hadn’t had a worse day in months, no- years. Fuck this. Work was a mess, everyone was blaming you for something you didn’t do, and you and Charles weren’t exactly communicating. He’d said something a few days earlier, something about you not having as hard a job as him. Which, granted, was true. He was a racecar driver, you worked in marketing, but it didn’t mean that your work was any less important. Hell, work was where you two had met. You were his publicist when you’d started dating. So yes, it rubbed you the wrong way and you’d decided to sleep on the couch instead of being with him. He didn’t take kindly to that, and hadn’t spoken a word to you in 4 days. Yay. He texted you, small messages consisting of “I got here safe” or “sleep tight  xxx” and things like that. But Friday nights were your date night, even when it was a race weekend. But 8pm came and went and there was no call on your phone. 

Oh. 

It was fine. You didn’t need to talk to him. Did you miss him greatly? Yes. Were you over the entire argument? Yes. Was he? Evidently not. 

You lay in bed awake for a few hours as you thought over everything. Maybe you had been too harsh, he was stressed, especially since he was unsure about the strategy the team had given him for the weekend ahead. But… he didn’t need to be so mean about things. Your work was important, and to have him just brush it off like that, in the way he did, when all you were trying to do was express how overworked you were, it all made you feel… unheard. It wasn’t a nice feeling.

Your phone started ringing at 4am in Monaco, meaning it was 9pm in Austin. You picked it up without looking, just hoping it wasn’t something important.

“Y/n?” It was Charles. “I know it’s early, my love.”

“Charles?” You yawned. “I thought you were still and at me.”

He sighed. “I thought I was, but then I realised I just felt guilty for saying what I did, and not talking to you was more a punishment for myself. I’m sorry about what I said, and what I didn’t say.”

You sighed, lying. “It’s fine Charles.”

You were still not over the fight, it had cut you deep, what he had said. “Your job doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, why is your boss getting so worked up about you not coming to Austin?”

It broke your heart. Charles had always been so supportive, but the moment he got stressed, you were suddenly not important. Right. 

“I’m sorry I missed date night,” he added sheepishly. You hadn’t missed that in 8 months. He broke the streak. 

“I waited for an hour and a half,” you chuckled sadly. “Even then I couldn’t sleep.”

He let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”

“Good luck tomorrow,” you sighed. “I’ll be rooting for you from Monaco.”

“My love?-“

“Oh and tell Arthur ‘good luck’ too, and sorry that I couldn’t be there in person for his debut. I’m just swamped with my unimportant work over here.”

And with that you hung up the phone, breaking your 1 year streak of always saying ‘sleep tight’ at the end of a phone call. You were irritated, irritated due to the nerve he had to call you like that. Sometimes you wondered if all the praise he got went too far to his head and gave him a  superiority complex, but another part of you just knew that was your irritation getting the better of you. 

You went back to sleep, far too tired to think about what you’d just done. 

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“She hung up,” he sighed. “She hung up without saying goodbye.”

“Are you two breaking up?” Arthur questioned, sitting on his older brother's bed as he slowly fell apart. He’d never not spoken to you for this long, it was becoming embarrassing how upset he was. How could he let this happen? You were one of the best things in his life, if not the best thing. “If you are, I do not think I would recover.”

Charles scoffed. “We are not breaking up,” he took a deep breath. “We are just… arguing. Like adults.”

“You called her job unimportant! That’s a childish thing to say,” Ollie shrugged. Kimi nodded his head, agreeing. 

“And a pretty mean thing to say,” Kimi added. “Especially when her job is so important to you.”

Charles groaned. “I know I messed up!” He groaned again. “I just need to figure out a way to get her to forgive me.”

“Grand gesture! Like in the movies!” Kimi cheered, Arthur and Ollie agreeing. “Bring her to the race and give her a holiday from work!”

Charles thought about it for a moment. You did need a break, there was no doubt about it.  “That’s not a terrible idea.”

“Exactly!” Arthur smiled. “Do that, and she’ll love you again!”

Charles smiled. “I’ll call her now-“

“No! You have to make it like… an emergency! And then she’ll rush here and you’ll have a date set up,” Ollie thought as the other boys nodded their heads. 

“I feel like she’d get stressed-“ Charles said but Ollie was already busy thinking about ways to get you to Austin.

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“What Ollie?” You answered your phone as you drew up yet another plan for the marketing strategy your boss had already made you redo twice, 

“Thank god you answered!” Ollie sighed a sigh of relief. “Charles is broken up about your break up, we’ve tried everything-“

“What?” You gasped. You and Charles hadn’t broken up, had you? No. Neither of you wanted to break up, right? You didn’t. Did he? “We didn’t break up.”

“We tried to tell him that, but he doesn’t believe us. He thinks you blocked him. Can you… come to Austin? He doesn’t think he’ll drive in this state, he’s devastated.”

You sighed. “I’ll book a flight for tonight. See you soon.”

“Thanks Y/n.”

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As far as a hellish week goes, that must’ve been the worst in your life. Shitty work week, Charles and you fighting, then the flight to Austin Texas that you barely got on because of course your boarding pass wouldn’t print. 

You weren’t over the fight, at all, but you and Charles definitely weren’t breaking up. You’d never want that, no matter how annoyed you were. If it took a flight from Monaco to Austin in the middle of an argument, at the end of a shitty week to prove your love, well that’s what you had to do. 

You sat, staring at your battery as it slowly dwindled away and your music played on, but it sadly was not enough to drown out the noise of the sobbing baby beside you. Maybe you should’ve let Charles buy you the noise-cancelling headphones he was going to get you as a ‘just-because’ present, instead of the wired headphones you’ve had since you were in college, that had finally decided to die on you, mid-flight. You weren’t going to admit he was right when he said “those things will break on you at the worst time!”, you were just going to thank him when he eventually came home with them after a race, probably being gifted them by some random company. Your apartment had started to look more and more like a shop, rather than a house, it was another major pressure point of your relationship. It drove you crazy, the disorganisation and the constant influx of things that you two could never keep up with, and Charles didn’t seem to be too bothered by it. That had made its way into the fight too. God, what hadn’t? 

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Touching down in Austin was as glamorous as one would imagine. You were tired, hungry (you couldn’t stomach aeroplane food), and you were pissed off. Why did this have to happen this week? The one week you were just looking forward to being alone all weekend. 

You adored Charles, but sometimes we all need some alone time, and this weekend was going to be that. You needed a break from being yourself, for being a chief marketing officer, and from being Charles Leclerc’s girlfriend. You just needed a moment of silence, was that too much to ask for? 

You met Arthur outside the airport, and he wrapped you up in a hug as he smiled, happy you’d made it. 

“Hey Arth,” you sighed, exhausted. 

“Hey Y/n,” he smiled. “Thank you for coming, he really needs you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you nodded. “Let’s go, I’m exhausted.”

You fell asleep in the car on the way to the track, beyond tired from your travels. You woke up about a minute before Arthur pulled into the Ferrari hospitality, and you were practically a zombie when you grabbed your bags and followed Arthur up to Charles’s room. 

“Baby?” You asked, eyes closed from exhaustion. You were barely standing up, shocked you were even still awake. 

“Is that you?” Charles’s voice rang through your ears. 

“Yeah baby, open the door,” you smiled lazily. You missed him. It was hard not to. 

The door swung open to reveal… a candle-lit dinner and Charles? 

What the fuck? 

“Baby!” He cheered, pulling you into him, pressing kisses to your cheek and neck. “Surprise!”

You didn’t answer. No way he made you fly all the way to Austin, faked thinking you two were breaking up, and all for a fucking dinner? No way. This was a joke. This was some sick and twisted joke. 

“Baby?” His smile slightly faded. “Are you ok?” 

You couldn’t stop it. Exhaustion, stress, anxiety, anger, everything. It all tipped over and you started crying. In his arms. You buried your face in his shoulder and his arms wrapped around you in an instant, closing the door to give you two some privacy. 

“Baby,” he cooed. “What’s wrong?”

And that was the last straw. What was wrong?

You pushed him off, wiping your eyes as any and all exhaustion was replaced with adrenaline. 

“What’s wrong?” You cried, a twisted smile on your face. “What’s wrong so that my boyfriend is psychotic and decided it would be a great idea to make me think that we were breaking up and making me fly to fucking Austin for a dinner. Charles. That’s my fucking problem. The same boyfriend that called my job unimportant when I was trying to tell him that I was beyond stressed about it, my headphones broke on the flight, a baby was crying beside me, and I’m exhausted!” You sobbed. 

He looked down, disappointed with his own actions. He knew how this would go, and yet he let 3 teenagers talk him into it. How stupid was he?

“And the worst part is,” you continued. “Is that I’m not even fucking mad at you! Because I’m just happy that I’m not being broken up with! Because I fucking love you!” 

Oh. Oh. Oh. 

You loved him. And he’d pulled this. And you said it for the first time. And he’d stressed you out more. 

“Baby please-“ he tried to take your hand, but you just slumped against him. 

“I’m sorry I slept on the couch, I’ll never do it again. Just please don’t do this to get my attention. You always have my attention.” you sniffled. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he smiled, far too chipper for this specific moment. “You’re tired, let’s talk about this in the morning, yeah?”

You nodded and let him lead you to his bed. 

You fell asleep almost instantly and he smiled. At least you two were talking. At least you two were in the same bed. At least you two were in love. 

“My love,” he whispered, laying beside you. “I love you.”

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When you woke up the next morning and despite the obvious tension, you were happy to be Charles’s arms. 

“Morning,” he pressed a kiss to your neck. 

“Morning,” you rolled over, out of his grasp to look at the clock. 

He sighed, crawling towards you. “Can we talk about it?”

“About what?” you turned to him. “The fight? The stunt you pulled yesterday? Our fake break up?”

He scoffed. “I am not the only one at fault here,” he argued. “Our fight is not only my fault.”

You sighed, placing your head in your hands. “I know that. And I’m exhausted, so let's just go our separate ways for the weekend and talk about it after, ok?”

He nodded. “But you’ll still be here, right? You’re not going back home?”

“Not until you are,” you sighed, getting up. 

Charles watched as you made your way to the bathroom, stretching as you went. Sometimes, it hit him hard how gorgeous you are, this was one of those times, and he was hit very, very hard. 

“Baby?” he called out.

You poked your head out. “Yeah?”

“Come here,” he gestured for you to come closer, and was a little surprised when you obliged. He sat you on his lap and held you close, resting his head in your neck. “I’m sorry. I was stupid and I’m sorry.”

You nodded, letting go of a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Ok.”

“And I know what I said was wrong, your job is super important, because we met here, and also because you put your heart into your work. I’m sorry.”

You ran your hands through his hair, a conflicted look on your face. “I’m sorry I brought other things into the fight and slept on the couch.”

You felt him smile as he pressed a kiss to your neck. “And I love you, and I don't want to fight anymore.”

You chuckled. “Me neither.”

He was silent for a minute, just pressing soft, comforting kisses to your neck as he enjoyed having you near him. “So are we ok?”

“We aren’t 100% ok, but we’re getting there,” you explained, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “There’s probably more things we should talk about, but maybe when you don’t have a Gran Prix in a matter of hours? And I love you too.”

His grin widened, and he couldn’t resist pulling you down to properly kiss you for the first time in days.

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navigation for my blog :)

[leggerefiore]

4AM

cw: fluff

pairing: Emmet/Reader

□■□■□

It was late.

The sun had long sunk behind the city skyline of Nimbasa, leaving the neon glow of its many lights the only illumination around. Fewer people wandered the streets, having returned home after a long day of work or school. It was quiet, now, somehow. A rare occurrence in the bustling city.

Emmet did say he had a later shift today and not to expect him home until much past the evening. You felt that it had long passed a reasonable amount of time. There had been a few calls that you attempted to make to him, but he never answered. Your concern was spiking heavily. He was probably busy with some issue at the station or discussing it with Ingo. The Subway Boss was an entirely capable man, you knew. Reliable, strong, and diligent.

You tried one last call. No answer. A sigh came from you as you gazed out the window of your shared apartment once more. Everything felt as if it were growing more and more still. Even stray pokemon that waltzed about the city had tucked in for the night.

Just as you felt completely out of options, you dialled Ingo's number quickly. It rang once… Twice… Thrice… and click!

“Hello, do you need something?” Ingo's voice was a bit sleepy, but otherwise indicated nothing to worry about. You explained your plight desperately. The older twin was quiet for a few moments before humming. “Ah, Emmet insisted I take off earlier than him,” he explained, “I have already gone home. Perhaps I should head back to the station if he's still there…” You protested his words and offered to go yourself. Ingo gave a weak argument before relenting to you and allowing you to head off to the station yourself. An instruction to immediately alert him if anything was off there was given, however. You agreed.

The trip to the station felt odd at the waning hours of the night. Shadows danced around the streets as you walked a familiar path to the Gear Station. It was something committed to your muscle memory. Slowly, the buildings bled away to a familiar one, which had a few late night Depot Agents lingering outside on a break. They gave you an odd look as you went to enter the station. You knew the last one had already gone. Telling them you were here to check up on Emmet granted you access to the station with ease.

The ambience of the normally bustling place was odd in its current condition. Depot Agents and other assorted employees were scattered about, but it was otherwise deserted. Each gave you a curious glance as you marched through the building to the administrative area. It was even quieter here, but that was not necessarily uncommon even during the day.

You soon found yourself standing in front of a familiar office door. It was firmly shut, and no noise emanated from inside. A deep breath entered and exited your lungs as you reached out to grab the door knob. Turning it carefully, you opened to reveal the tidied office. Two desks sat side by side, with a cushy couch stuffed away in a corner. There laid a familiar arachnid. She was comfortably laid across the dark leather. You turned back to the desks and spied exactly whom you were looking for.

There was Emmet.

His head was laid against his desk, obscuring some work related paper documents under him. A pen laid beside his left hand as soft breaths came from the man. You smiled at his cute expression, a smile ever present even in his sleep. His white coat hung on the back of his chair, while his hat managed to remain on his head still. You softly walked around to him. Placing a hand gentle on his back, you rubbed it and spoke quietly for him to wake up.

His sliver eyes slowly opened. A yawn came from him as he turned to you with a sleepy expression. Then, it hit him that he was still in his office. Rubbing his eyes, he tried to force away the tiredness and organise himself. You chuckled slightly at his plight. Emmet's brows furrowed as he pulled out his watch to check the time.

“Darling!” he suddenly spoke out, voice raised slightly, “Did you walk here this late? You should not have!” His hands grasped your arms softly. You shook your head.

“I was worried about you, Em,” you told him, “Even Ingo didn't know what happened to you…” The younger twin froze. Then, he sighed. There were no more protests from him as he hastily collected his things and called Galvantula back to her pokeball. With his coat on, he held the door open for you to leave with him. You joined him, and the two of you both headed out of the station together.

“What happened, anyway?” you asked, the silence of the night streets surrounded once more. Emmet's cheeks dusted a light pink as he gazed completely forward and shifted into his “power walk.” You grabbed his hand before he could escape you. “Emmet,” you demanded, “Tell me.”

“Ahaha…” A nervous laugh came from him as he shifted a bit, “I wanted to get extra work done for a day off…” You tilted your head. Emmet hummed to himself. “I am Emmet, and I wanted to surprise you,” the Subway Boss continued, “… I wanted to visit Kalos with you since you mentioned wanting to go.” You gasped. Emmet looked a bit sheepish. A rare sight.

“… It seemed not to go to plan then,” you joked.

“No… I saw Galvantula fall asleep and joined her. Yep!”

“The spider coerced you into sleeping?”

“Mhm!”

“Oh, Emmy…”

Then your phone started loudly ringing.

It seemed you had forgotten to update Ingo.

[pleasantspark]

Strictly Business - Chapter Two (Clarity) King Cold x Sayian! OC Genre: Romance Tropes: Part of The Strictly Business Series Warnings: Did not proof read so mistakes were made, most mistakes because I didn't sleep at the time of writing it, I literally am rushing through this because I was inspired, Hey getting inspired at 4AM does something, im gonna go to bed dnd is on see you in the morning lol. AUs Utilized: Overhaul Frieza Race Overhaul Doc Used! Please check for it here: x

The arrival of Frieza was enough to make Orion's head spin, she's been caught up with King Cold doing business that she didn't expect for Frieza to come. She looked at King Cold and bowed.

"Should I-"

"He thinks your busy my Dear, why would I ask my servant to tell him that your busy, just for you to come out?"

Orion bit her lip and looked away. The obvious class and height difference making for some awkward sexual tension. Despite what had taken place prior. She fumbled with her fingers.

"I can just tell, Lord Frieza we ONLY just wrapped up the meeting and it would be rather stupid of me to go over the time limit wouldn't you think?"

King Cold sighed, and leaned back in his throne. "Very well then. But don't expect me to be this forgiving. I'd expect you to at least visit me once and awhile, fufill that little favor every once and awhile."

Orion sighed, and nodded. "Yes King Cold."

The walk of shame down the halls of King Cold's ship was tough, especially when she bumped into Cooler...

More accurately, the run of shame. She was running out the room like she saw something she shouldn't have. Which she kind of did, but not really. Banging your boss' father isn't a tough feat to just shake off.

Granted, it wasn't banging... But eh? As she bumped into King Cold's eldest. She gasped and helped him up.

"I apologize, Sir!" She apologized profusely. Cooler chuckled.

"Ah, it is okay. Nothing's damaged, why were you running from my fathers room. If you mind me asking?" Cooler asked.

"Ah, nothing important. Just had to run to an errand." Orion attempted to lie. Cooler hummed as if to accept the lie before shaking his head.

"Oh, is that so? Why is it, I smell my father on you, hm?" Cooler probed. At that question Orion's face flushed.

"It's none of your business. I just got too close when discussing the plans with him." She defends, albeit poorly.

"Mhm, you know. You don't have to lie to me." Cooler said.

"I am NOT lying! I... I wouldn't have a reason to! We took too long for a meeting and now I went over the... allotted time, and if you excuse me, I have to see Lord Frieza." Orion said, pushing past Cooler who just chuckled and watched her ran off.

"I'm sure you do, Little Saiyan... I'm sure there was nothing between father and you, and when I find out I'm going to tell Frieza."

Frieza was impatiently tapping his foot on the floor waiting for that stupid Monkey to arrive already. He was just recently notified by his father's servant on Orion being busy. He found it completely odd how she was busy even though the meeting should be short.

He sighed at the docking bays of the ship he once called home, before hearing the footsteps of Orion, he tried to place on a mask of happiness to hide the fact he was annoyed but ultimately failed.

"You... were awfully late." He managed to get out. Orion shook her head.

"Apologies my lord, the meeting ran over it's time..." Orion apologized. Frieza scoffed.

"Your lucky I didn't kill you myself for making me wait." Frieza said coldly. Orion placed her head down in shame.

"I am sorry My Lord, it won't happen again."

"Damn right it won't. It was oddly suspicious how father had you back there for too long on a meeting that should only be around 4-5 minutes long. It wasn't even that important." Frieza thought.

It was no secret Frieza had a crush-

Or it was a secret.

Frieza had hated Saiyans for as long as he lived, and nothing would ever change that. But for some odd reason he couldn't explain he fell for a Saiyan.

He at first tried to explain it away as his hatred for them being mistaken as love. But it gradually became reality to him once he figured out he hated other men with or near her.

Even sending her to his father was enough to make the male acrosian angered. Perhaps it's the real reason why he was annoyed and slightly angered by her lateness.

"Whatever. Let's go back." Frieza would just say in response to Orion, leading her to their own pods as they drove off.

<Last Chapter >Next Chapter

[alastor-is-the-best]

Day 12 of doodling to find my art style!

Day 12= just Alastor to announce that I'm back! :DD

My trip went terrifyingly well, and it was really fun!! My hotel roommate played football in bed though (hint- I was the ball)

Basically I almost got my bones broken at 3AM, then I got a random call at 4AM from some other room on the 2nd floor asking 'hey bitchh ya awake? cuz i can't sleep, can i come to ur room?' Had to deny her request lol

Also almost got my nose broken- one of my friend's nickname is Jini (pronounced genie, she's the messi 2.0) and I asked 'jini, grant me 3 wishes-' and the wishes were 1. kiss ------- (imma redact the name) 2. have sex with ------- 3. marry ------- and she punched my nose pretty fucking hard but it was FUN AFFF Anyways, decided to doodle Alastor and try out these kind of eyes (they're so hard to draw!!) and this kind of nose, I don't think it'll ever get in my instincts but still feel like this is one of the best doodles of Al I've made without reference lol

[xclxgdx]

Chapter 1 of my book has been published!!!

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! The alarm sounded rudely, awakening me from the deepest sleep of my life. I reached across the white sheets towards my side table to silence it. My head pounded. I was hungover. Again.

My mouth was dry, and my vision was blurred. That's the last time I get into a tequila drinking competition with the whole of my boyfriend's fraternity. I chuckled to myself, "Oh, for fuck's sake, I can't believe I did that," I reminisced on jumping into the pool fully clothed. It was only supposed to be a small gathering; I said I'd only stop for a few drinks. My Boyfriend – Dylan, is a part of the Xi Alpha Upsilon fraternity as well as the lacrosse captain. They throw some of the best parties on campus. Almost everyone on campus has been in the Xi Alpha house at some point, and I had a season pass to enter whenever I wanted. It's like an investment. Apart from, you know, being in love. I date a member of one of the most popular frats on campus, and I get access to any party on campus. And dating Dylan had granted me the honour of being crowned the Xi Alpha Upsilon party princess. Not a real title that carried any responsibility other than status and a plastic party crown, but it felt nice being beloved.

It's not like i'm some massive party animal or something. I don't get drunk at every party, but I'm in college, and I've just turned 21. I'm going to party while I can. And I'm good at it. I'm really good at partying. And it's not just the drinking. It's the music, dancing, everyone's having fun, and the deep nonsense conversations you get into while drinking are unmatched. I've made some of my best friends in the club's bathroom. And I have a person for everything. Need a locksmith? I know a guy. You need a bundle of horsehair? I know a guy. Or I know a guy who knows a guy. And I met them all at the club or in someone's living room at 4am. So, I guess it's like networking? I think that makes sense, seeming that I'm a communications major. A major I took as it seemed the easiest and required the least amount of work, but actually, as it turns out, I'm a natural.

I manage to peel myself out of bed without making my headache worse. No time to shower. I throw on the leggings and sweatshirt that are thrown over my desk chair. They've been worn too often to mix with the clean clothes in my overstuffed drawer, yet they still need to be dirty enough to put into my laundry pile. Doing my laundry takes a lot of mental strength, so I put it off as long as possible. Usually, till I run out of underwear.

...

As class ended and I slipped out of my seat I went to go over to Professor Donaldsons desk to hand over the extra credit he'd asked me to complete so I could recover my GPA. Still in my daydream I walked into something hard.

"Ouch, watch it neanderthal! You could have broken my nose".

The giant was stood at Professor Donaldsons desk, handing over some sheets of paper with a wide smile on his face. I'd never seen him before. What a kiss ass. The words internship had barely left Donaldsons lips, and this guy was already first in line to hand over an application. He thanked Donaldson for his consideration and finally turned to answer me.

"Maybe watch where you're going princess, and you wouldn't walk into people who were standing here first."

I barely even looked up at him, I rolled my eyes and walked around his gigantic frame to handover my work. I went to parties almost evert night, I was the most popular girl on campus. The Xi Alpha Party Princess. Who did he think he was talking to me like this. I turned round to give him a piece of my mind but by the time I'd placed the paper on the desk and turned around he was gone. 

Who the hell was that guy? 

[cnohpytxyz]

HHL 4

prologue | HHL1 | HHL2 | HHL3

synopsis: C deals with her heat while her bond is near by, Ben struggles to feel safe in his new home, Terry misses C.

word count: 5598

genre: werewolves, my own take on A/B/O, female OCs, domestic bullshit

warnings: s*xual themes, pretty graphic bl**d/c*m descriptions, pessimistic thoughts (not extreme), mentions of gay s*x in a poor light, weird ass simping from multiple characters

notes: while editing this ff I was trying to think of a way to pass the bechdel test. imagine my surprise (/s) when I reread and find I passed it in the first chapter .-. guess it's not as hard as some people think it is.

~/*\~

This is torture. C thought as she was tossed into the nth scenario of the week. 

Someone—probably Beah—thought it would be funny to set her bond up in an apartment near her heat room. He couldn't have been far. C supposed he was in the octagon, maybe a thousand or so yards away. If she had a window, she might have been able to see into his new home.

Thank God she couldn't.

Ben had moved in about a week after their initial meet and, for the past five days, he'd been dreaming up various ways to fuck his brains out...

…and hers, much to her dismay.

After the first day, C was grateful when the sun went down, assuming he’d be going to sleep. And he did. He definitely slept, but apparently his unconscious mind was just as thirsty because the following few hours were a miserable mix of lust and absurdity who in their right mind considered Cats: the Musical fap material that couldn’t quite get her to cum. 

It had been years since she’d had sex—not that it bothered her most days—but that night she found herself clawing at the thick metal door, begging to be released from her prison. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, now that she was a little more clear headed) the room was soundproofed, so no one heard her desperation. 

She had never cried from an orgasm before, but, holy hell, C found herself downright sobbing when Beomgyu finally released into his hand at 4AM that first night, her own orgasm flowing in sync. Some time during the following days, she had tried to close the bond only to fail time after time. She didn’t know if it was because of his proximity or because of her own weakness, but there was no stopping the images from flooding her mind. Those nights were miserable. 

Tonight didn’t seem like it would be much better, but, luckily for her, Terry and Kai had taken Beomgyu to explore the compound for the day. The few hours she got alone helped her calm down a bit. She tentatively tried to close the bond.

No dice.

C felt desperate tears prick her lash line as she realized there'd be at least three more days of various sexual scenarios she couldn’t control if she got turned on by Sonic and Mario one more time she might lose her damn mind. 

Usually her knotting dildo (specially made to take care of Lupina heats) would do the job just fine. It wasn’t enough to satisfy the mating urge, but it kept her skin from burning. 

Now though… 

Sigh…

Now it was useless. Granted, she hadn’t been satisfied during a heat in a long ass time and Beomgyu’s fantasies certainly delivered, but, damn, the time and images it took to get there was the absolute worst. It felt like she was back in Russia and strapped to that table again… deprived of touch with satisfaction just out of reach. 

She shook her head. It was useless to focus on those things now, and it wasn’t like it was completely awful. 

Just a little awful. A smidgen of… awful.

A moan cut through her thoughts and C belatedly realized she was on the verge of another orgasm. Even when she tried to focus on other topics, Beomgyu had her body in a chokehold. But if his fantasies were any suggestion, she wasn’t the only one.

No pun intended, she vaguely thought, as the image of her hand around his throat consumed her thoughts. She could almost feel his pulse under her palm when she leaned down to whisper in his ear, “You like that, pup? ” C groaned, gritty with lust and a good helping of cringe (she’d find time to gag at those words later), suddenly very thankful for her upcoming “business trip”. 

She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to look him in the eye without either combusting or punching him in the face and, ironically, the gunpowder excursion would give her time to cool off. 

Seconds later C felt a familiar tensing shoot through her spine, signaling her release. And then…

And then?

…

There was supposed to be more. 

There was usually more. 

C directed her attention inwards again, brows furrowed in concern, only to be met with darkness. Was he that tired? More silence followed and she groaned in relief. 

She closed her eyes and took a breath before sitting up on the now ridiculously wet mattress. Her mattress protector had mostly abandoned its post and now laid on the floor, only a single corner desperately clinging on. She had done away with any sheets on the second day, a decision she was now unsure of seeing how much blood and cum came out of her. Then again, a thin sheet wouldn't have made much of a difference. Not to mention the dried red clumps already made her skin crawl, a whole sheet of crunch might make her pass out.

A finger slid up her thigh on impulse, catching a trail of cum and blood before it joined the rest of the abominable puddle, and her face twisted in a grimace. C fought the urge to fling her whole self into the trash can, reasoning that it wouldn’t be any cleaner.

Disgusting. She sat on the edge of the bed for a moment before a yawn prompted her to stand. For the past five days Beomgyu had tormented her to the point of exhaustion and she’d only gotten some sleep while he was out that morning. She supposed more fantasies would follow later, but for now she felt normal—dehydrated as hell and more tired than she’d ever been since the change, but normal nonetheless. C glanced back at the bed, debating the pros and cons of sleeping in a puddle of her own fluids again.

Turning away with a sigh, she let her disgust win. A shower was certainly in order, but she should probably take care of the mess first. After kicking the blankets to a corner—a cleaner would take care of them once she left—she grabbed her water bottle with one hand, flipping the mattress over with the other. 

C sighed at the hassle of replacing the bloody, cum-soaked monstrosity, but there was no helping it. Usually two mattress protectors would do, the blood being her only concern during previous heats, but in the wake of her thrashing, they were utterly useless. Flipping the bed would do for now and maybe later she could find a way to attach a protector to the mattress.

Snaps maybe? Whatever. She could pour over the specifics later. Right now, there was a hot shower calling her name. 

~/*\~

When Ben opened his eyes in the morning he had expected to be hard already. His morning wood had gotten significantly worse during the time he’d spent at the HHL—something he blamed on that stupid Alpha—and his midnight fantasies were relentless. But today, it seemed he was off the hook. 

For the first time in a while he just laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. There was definitely something wrong with him. He’d always been on the hornier side of things, but every day? 

It was starting to wear on him and a lingering disgust tickled the back of his mind every time he came down from his high. But that only served to make him angrier. Why should he be the one to feel disgusted? They made him like this. Why was he the only one who felt how wrong it was? 

And that damned Lupus. She just had to save him like a knight in shining fucking armor. And then she had the audacity to smile at him like that. He would sue. 

If that was even an option. He doubted it, but surely he should get some remuneration for how often thoughts of her consumed his mind and his dick. It was straight up unfair of her to monopolize his head like that, especially since he’d only seen her twice. 

Ben groaned and tossed his left arm over his face. He was such a fucking simp. A simp for a girl who didn’t even seem interested. 

…

Ok, maybe that was a lie, he thought while her last expression flew through his mind. For a moment she looked like Sasha. He couldn’t help but overlap their images, but in the next instant C looked at him like she’d wronged him some how. He almost felt guilty. 

But then he caught himself. 

Why should he feel guilty for his thoughts? It’s not like she could read his mind. And even if she could, that didn’t mean he was in the wrong. 

…

Damnit, so fucking guilty and for what?

Ben groaned again and decided to let it go. She wasn't even around for him to vent his frustration on, so any more thoughts would just be letting her win. And he refused to let her win. The bitch would be so smug if she knew what he was thinking.

He could see it now—the cocky smirk, the raised eyebrow, if he was lucky, maybe some tongue…

Fuck . The now moderately turned on human sniffed delicately. He really needed to get a grip on his thoughts. All this thinking was draining and he had shit to do. 

Not that it was important shit, but it was shit that would keep his hand away from his dick and his mind off that damned Alpha.

Kai and Taehyun (Terry now, Ben corrected himself) would be dropping by soon to help him shower and get away from the musty apartment-esque residence. Yesterday had been great. He missed his friends immensely, their unknown fates often being his biggest source of comfort while he was pressed under some “patron” in the early morning hours. 

Now that he knew half of them had better fates than him, he was both relieved and slightly jealous. Why did they get years of safety, when all he got was unresolvable trauma?

Ben clicked his tongue. There it was, that ridiculous sense of guilt creeping in again. 

It wasn’t like he wanted them to go through what he did, but it felt so unfair. If only he hadn’t hidden when C searched the street back then. If only he had grabbed her attention at the start, then he wouldn’t have all these complicated emotions. He wouldn’t be so broken. He wouldn’t feel so ashamed to be in his friends' presence. He wouldn’t feel so disgusted with himself.  

Even if he had reacted just slightly slower maybe… maybe he could have ended up like Kai rather than like Ben. 

But he was Ben. 

…

Now he was Ben...

And there was nothing he could do to change the past. Fuck it.  

Maybe he couldn’t change the past, but surely he could change the future… right?

Hang on. Ben’s eyes widened in shock. That was almost a positive thought. A strange sense of pride rushed through him and he couldn’t help but smile. It must be the air here. He took a deep sniff only to be attacked by a sneeze, the sharp motion jerking his body and making him squeak in pain. 

Ben laid on the bed for a few minutes, furrowed brows and stilted breaths taking over his mind. Whoever said emotional pain was worse than physical, should be shot, Ha! He snorted at the double meaning only to follow it up with a sharp gasp of pain. He bit his lip and fought the urge to laugh or snort or breathe or slam his fist into his own face to see if that was less painful.

What time was it? A glance at the clock told him it had only been a few minutes since he woke up. Great. Depressing thoughts at the speed of light. Just what he needed. More time to overthink. The human mind was truly incredible.

Whatever, Kai and Tae–Terry would be showing up soon. Maybe he should try and get up. The nurse told him it would take a few weeks to a few months to recover—and not to move without help—but he was tired of waiting on people to come to him. He could at least sit up. 

Moving his good arm into position, he attempted to push himself upright. Attempted being the key word. It wasn’t entirely the fault of his wounds, he was just too weak to support himself and the pain took out the rest of his strength. The Quickshot Alliance didn’t let him do much while he was there, letting him wither away as they pleased. It wasn’t like he needed physical strength to get pounded in the ass anyway. 

Now that he was here though, he supposed they would let him work out, or at least walk around freely. The management here didn’t seem inclined to use his body for their own gain. No, they seemed more likely to let C take what she wanted. It’s not like anyone else in the New World had the power to stop her. 

Maybe a few powers overseas could do it, but in the Americas, the HHL reigned supreme. 

Ben wondered how they came into power so quickly. He distinctly remembered his first encounter with them being only weeks after the outbreak aired on tv. He was no expert, but that seemed like a remarkably fast time to set up a whole society and secure it enough that they could go scouting for people without worrying about raiders/werewolves. 

He could definitely be wrong… but… did they have something to do with the apocalypse? Did they cause it? Did they send the world spiraling just so they could play hero? Was he even safe here?

Here.

Damn.

He was really here. Like actually, physically here. He pushed aside his fears and let a tear trickle down his cheek. He could finally confirm his friends’ lives, but his thoughts wouldn’t let him rest. The alliance wouldn’t come for him, would they? Would the HHL give him up if Nocturne threatened them? 

He scoffed at the intrusive thought. Nocturne wouldn’t even try to threaten the HHL. He was too much of a coward and Ben wasn’t worth that much anyway. Then again, he was their “prized bitch”. Maybe they wouldn’t outright threaten, but they might infiltrate the HHL to steal him back. 

Ben shook his head, trying to clear his head. Alright, all he needed to do was get buff fast. Yeah. He nodded with an absurd amount of conviction. That was a solid plan. 

…

Or it would have been a solid plan, if he hadn’t been fucking shot, he reminded himself. Maybe he should convince Kai or C to bite him. He doubted they would be convinced, but if he used his body, he might get an edge on C.

He stopped himself. That was a very dangerous line of thinking. Fantasies were fine, but the actual act might make him throw up. But if it keeps me safe. He tried to brush the little devil off his shoulder, but the damned thing chose his good one and shrugging didn't do much to dislodge the bastard. 

He sighed, eyes screwing shut to block his thoughts from taking over. It was gonna take awhile to get rid of that thing. He refused to accept it was his own mind. He wouldn’t betray himself like that.  

“Knock knock.” The door slammed open before Ben could respond, nearly startling him into a ball. A reflex that didn’t go unnoticed by the men that walked through. 

Kai pounced on the bed laughing at the older man’s clear overreaction, “Did we scare you, 형?” Ben felt himself slip into another headspace as he laughed back, the floating feeling offering a mix of comfort and anxiety. Whatever response he managed to force out didn’t raise any flags with Kai, but Terry was different. 

Terry was suspicious. Ben could tell by the intent stare, but why was he suspicious? Or should the question start with what? His pondering threatened to pull him down from his high and for a brief moment he struggled against it. 

Until he realized there was no reason to fight. He was safe. The boys might have startled him, but they weren’t going to hurt him at all. His conversation with Kai got more stilted as he eased himself down, but the naïve Lupus still didn’t notice anything. Terry, on the other hand, was only growing more concerned. 

At least Ben hoped it was concern. The look he was getting could have been a death glare for all he knew. Out of his two old friends, Terry had changed the most. He was missing a leg and the scar tearing from the corner of his mouth to his upper cheek gave him a predatory vibe. If Ben didn’t know any better, he’d have thought that Terry was the Lupus. 

“Hey Kai, could you go grab the wheelchair?” Ben almost sagged in relief when Terry looked away. “I’ll get Ben into the shower.” 

The tall as fuck Lupus pouted, but didn’t hesitate to obey, and Ben was struck with the anxiety of being left alone with Terry. A truly terrifying thought. 

It wasn’t just the younger’s scars that intimidated him. It was also everything else. The height—Terry was probably taller than him now—and the absolutely ripped physique were just cherries on top. Seriously though, Ben didn’t doubt that Terry could lift him with one arm.

A thought that was proven true mere seconds later when said human slipped an arm under his torso and brought him to the edge of the bed in one smooth motion. His anxious thoughts were put to rest at the gentleness of the much larger man’s actions. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” The anxiety came rushing back. Ben looked at Terry, the younger man now squatting in front of him. He struggled to school his expression, refusing to let himself slip back into his other headspace. It was a lot harder to control his face when he was so present with it. 

“Talk about what?” He said it with a laugh, but the reply was too late and the laugh was too hollow for it to seem natural.  

Terry watched him with the same eyes as earlier, this time he could tell it was concern. Ben chewed his lip and looked away, the familiar guilt slipping back down his throat to pool in his stomach. 

A sigh brought his attention back and his gaze followed Terry as he stood up. “You don’t have to tell me what you went through, but you should tell someone. If you need a counselor, just let me know. I’ll arrange one for you.” 

“You have counselors here?” Ben’s mouth gaped in disbelief. It was almost unreal how much the HHL could offer their residents. And to think that just anyone could walk up and ask for refuge. It made him wonder why people didn’t flock here by the hundreds. 

Terry smiled and Ben was hit with an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. “We have just about everything here. Beah and C made this place into a haven.” He sat next to Ben, staring ahead as he continued. “There’s a few missing perks here and there, but they’ve really tried to gather everything one could possibly need.” 

He seemed very proud of his home. Ben didn’t have to wonder why. 

And there it is. The taste of vinegar sat heavy on his tongue, and he couldn’t hold back a quick jab. “If it’s so perfect, why aren’t there more people here?” 

Terry glanced at him from the corner of his eye, but Ben refused to look his way. “We went under a lock down of sorts about a month ago.” He hurried to complete his thought before the elder male could interrupt. “We usually lock down around the time of the Lunar New Year, since the Lupi get pretty restless around now, but it’s looking like it’ll be a longer lock down.” The scarred man sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “The HHL has a lot of resources and therefore a lot of enemies. It hasn’t really mattered before, but now there’s rumors of a larger anti-HHL alliance gathering, so Beah is deciding to keep the gates closed for now.” 

Ben nodded in understanding, but then a thought hit him. “Wait, then how did I get in? Was it just because I’m injured? Will you be throwing me back out once I’m better?” He couldn’t keep his thoughts from spiraling, but Terry’s laughter cut through the fog like a knife through butter. 

“We’re not going to throw you out again.” He made it sound ridiculous. What was the point of a lock down then, if they were just going to let in whoever anyway? “We don’t let in just whoever, dumbass.” The words were followed by a huff and Terry leaned back on the bed. “C brought you back and C can do whatever the hell she likes around here.” Ben sensed a hint of something darker from his friend. 

“What’s your relationship with C?” He swore he didn’t mean to come off as a pissed off boyfriend, but it just happened. It was that damned Alpha’s fault—always up in his head like she owned the place. It was straight up unfair. Why couldn’t he have the same power over her? 

…

Did he have the same power over her? Should he… ask?

No, that would be stupid. Even if he asked, he doubted she’d tell him honestly.  

“I’m sort of the honorary Beta.” Terry’s reply cut through his thoughts at just the right time. But honorary?" C is the Alpha, which is both a title and a… I guess you could call it a personality trait. But since I'm not Lupi, Beta's only an honorary title. She’s been trying to turn me for around a year now, but there’s too many drawbacks to it."

Wow. Where to start? 

“I’m back!” A loud thud followed the equally loud voice and Ben’s door swung open with a slam, revealing his youngest friend pushing a standard wheelchair. Whatever thought process he was working through got cut short by Kai’s second dramatic entrance of the day—he imagined there would be at least two more.

“Alright.” Terry slapped his knees and stood up, the acquired action almost enough to make Ben laugh. He didn't though. There were too many questions floating about his head. 

"Why does C need a Beta? Why are you Beta? Why don't you want to be Lupi? Why isn't Kai Beta? Why did she choose you?"  He didn't mean for that last one to come out, but it ended up slipping. Was that jealousy?

Kai and Terry stared down at him from their intimidating heights, seemingly confused, and Ben wondered which question did it. 

It was probably the last one. Did they sense his jealousy? He debated throwing a "nevermind" at the tail end, but too many seconds had passed for it to seem natural. 

Then again did "nevermind" ever seem natural when it followed a string of questions?

"Let's get you showered first." Terry ended up being the one to speak. "I'll be joining you in the greenhouse for a bit today. There's plenty of time to talk then." 

Ben debated demanding immediate answers, but decided against it. He needed that shower and it was doubtful there'd be an end to his questions. 

And so he nodded and let the other human princess carry him to the shower stool.

~/*\~

As soon as they entered the apartment, Terry knew something was up. The flinching, the glazed eyes, the slightly off breathing, all of it pointed to some serious mental issues. Terry had his finger on PTSD, but he was no psychiatrist. 

Ben hadn't talked much about the past five years, but, with the way he reacted to his given name and the various other signs of trauma, it couldn't have been a good time.

Terry wasn't sure if he wanted to know or not, but he offered his ear anyway. It was honestly a surprise when he'd found out Ben was C 's bond, but that wasn’t the only reason he’d be taking care of the older male. His malnourished friend brought back both the best and the worst kind of nostalgia, and he wasn’t about to let the last time they saw each other become his last memory. 

It wasn't going to be easy though. With the Alpha locked up in her heat room during the Lunar New Year, the HHL Lupi were quickly spiraling out of his control and required near 24/7 supervision. Kai was able to help on occasion, but he was nearly just as useless as Terry. 

The pure rage he had to weather when he told them the Lunar New Year ceremony would be postponed had him shaking in his boot. Not to mention he had no one to celebrate his birthday with. That one probably sucked the most.

Though he told Ben that there were more drawbacks than positives to becoming Lupi, he was nearing the end of his rope. C had to find a Beta quickly, but there wasn't anyone she could trust enough with the role besides himself and so, they found themselves caught in a vicious cycle.

Terry didn't realize how bad things had gotten until he found himself lacking an Alpha, but now that he thought back on it, C hadn't left the compound for more than a day in recent months—starting around the time of the Lupi boom. Before then, she spent more than 2/3rds of the year away from the HHL. 

It was only when she spent an entire month without any distant excursions that Terry thought something was up, but she waved away his concerns, saying it was just the natural progression of things. He had taken it to mean that the HHL no longer needed her to track down new talents—that they had enough professionals in the mix. But that wasn't the case at all. 

There were too many Lupi now. 

Going away for more than a day or two would leave them volatile and prone to attacking the humans. Luckily the Lupi could still sense her presence on the compound or Terry wouldn’t know what he would have done. It made sense why she was getting so pushy about turning him. He almost felt guilty for rejecting her so often. 

Almost. It still wasn't worth it and he wasn't going to be guilted into becoming Lupi. C didn't—wouldn't—want him to change just because he felt bad for her. If she did, she would have told him how much she was struggling. 

Speaking of which, he wasn't too happy she left him in the dark. He understood her motivations, but at the same time the secret left a bad taste in his mouth. They usually told each other everything, but what else was she hiding from him?

Was this how she felt every time he turned her down? Like he was building a wall or drawing a line in the sand. He could almost hear her say it. I'm not like you. It didn't usually bother him this much. 

He wasn't like her. That was the point. But he was her rock, wasn't he? Maybe not, now that he thought about it.

Damn, what a time for depressing thoughts—naked with his buddies in the shower.

Terry bit the tip of his tongue, trying to focus on getting Ben clean without hurting him. It really, really wasn't the time to think about C. 

And definitely not the time to release her from her heat room to ask for a hug. Not unless he wanted to get bitten, and he was still certain about staying human. 

He still really wanted that hug though. What day was it? He vaguely remembered throwing a tantrum almost two weeks ago and then getting dragged out of his bedroom by Kai a few days later. If she went in on the day he isolated himself, then he had three more days till he could get that hug. 

A gasp from Ben drew him out of his thoughts, and Terry realized he had the older boy's arm at a weird angle. "Sorry." Gently lowering it, he placed the soap back on the shelf and pulled the shower head down to rinse his seated friend off.

"Whachu thinkin' about?" Ben looked up at the younger boy in pure curiosity—a look Terry was very familiar with. The accent, however, was definitely something he had to get used to. He didn't remember such a drastic change when he reunited with Kai, but it seemed Ben picked up a significantly Californian tone. It was pretty similar to C’s American accent now that he thought about it, though her Russian origins occasionally slipped through the cracks.

"He's probably thinking about C and how he wants to huug and kiiis-" Kai was gagged with a soapy loofa to the mouth as Ben looked on, eyes widened in disbelief. 

"What was that about?" Morbid curiosity flickered dangerously in the eldest boy's eyes and Terry knew he'd be in for it if he didn't share. 

But he didn't want to share. How was he supposed to explain their relationship to her bond? It felt vaguely wrong, like they were cheating on him. They weren't, but trying to explain his Lupi behavior to a human when he wasn't Lupi…

Maybe he should take C up on her offer. Then again, if he was like this now, he'd be especially clingy once he was turned. She wasn't even his bond. 

Yeah, no. He'd add that to the list of "reasons to stay human". No need to wedge himself in between such a happy couple. He snorted in his thoughts, but declined to share his musings with the other two boys. Unfortunately, Ben’s curiosity wouldn’t let him rest. With a sigh, he decided to keep it simple, “C is my… person…? I guess that makes the most sense.” Describing her in one word felt almost sacrilegious, but calling her his everything might get a bit too weird especially following Kai’s mildly sexual comment. 

Ben’s eyes narrowed and sparked with something Terry found unfamiliar, but whatever it was, it nearly made his heart skip a beat. He never knew a wounded, malnourished human could be so intimidating, especially with his own nearly Lupus physique. He decided to expound before Ben tried to jump him. “She pulled me out of a pretty deep hole. I owe her a lot.” Kai began gurgling water and Terry sent a mildly annoyed look in his direction. “But I do not want to kiss her. That’s like kissing my sister.” 

To his relief the dark look in the eldest’s eyes faded and one of understanding took its place. He made a mental note to avoid touching C while her bond was around. It didn't feel like things would go well for him if Ben found them interacting as they usually did. 

"But why do you care so much?" Kai asked, finally recovering from the earlier attack. "C is fairly intimate with all the Lupi anyway. That's just how we are." 

“I thought Tae- Terry was human?” Ben’s questioning didn’t seem like it would let up any time soon, so Terry sat on the edge of the tub with a sigh. 

“When I first got here, I had some issues–” Kai’s snort was ignored with an eyeroll, “and C was the only one who would put up with me. A year or so went by and suddenly I was too human to be Lupi, but too Lupi to be human.” Terry shrugged. “At this point, I might as well make the switch, but it's just not worth it.” His eyes dulled, gaze falling out of focus, “If I change now, it feels like I'll lose what humanity I have left." Kai tensed and bit his lower lip, but the action was missed by Terry. 

The three boys fell into a contemplative silence as they toweled off and got dressed and Terry was left with his all too consuming thoughts. 

He didn't know if he had any humanity left. He couldn't even recall all the lives he took during the first few years of the apocalypse and, even though C never blamed him or mentioned it, he still felt like it would take centuries more to pay back his blood debt. Yet another point in C 's favor. Why was he still holding on to something so obviously useless? Why was this the hill he chose to die on? 

“You coming?” Kai’s voice drifted over and Terry looked up to meet his friends’ inquisitive stares. While he was lost in his mind, Kai had arranged Ben into the wheelchair, probably with all the elegance known to his kind. 

Terry sucked his front teeth for a second.

Damn, where’d that come from? Jealousy was never his thing before. Or maybe his emotions were just hard to regulate without C around? Should he just–? “Yeah I’m coming.” He looked down just to make sure he was dressed and dry. Luck was on his side today. 

He shook his head and followed his friends out the door. Being so dependent on one person was how he got into this mess. It’s getting mighty tempting though. As Terry followed his friends out the door towards, he briefly imagined the consequences of his actions and for the first time in five years, he didn’t dread it.

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[silentmoths]

📷 🦉 💎 ☕ 🦖 ehehehe hiiii <3

ehehehe hhiiii crys <3

📷 What’s set as your phone’s lockscreen? This lovely number of my tiny gremlin dragon lady and her husband by @ainescribe

🦉 Are you a morning person or a night owl? I am entierly a night owl, unless im working I wake up at midday and dont go to sleep until 4am usually.

💎 What’s your most prized possession? My security blanket, it's not my original one, but it's the one my dad gave me after mum took my original one away and I wasnt able to sleep properly for the week i didnt have it. it's old and im terrified of washing it. thing probably has the damn plauge and covid 24 but yep, there she is.

☕ Coffee or tea? I am an iced coffee fiend ehehe 🦖 Favorite extinct animal? The Thylacine! Otherwise known as the Tasmanian tiger, went extinct in 1936 two months after being granted 'protected' status. While it's called the tasmanian tiger, it's not a feline, and despite its looks, it's not a canine, but one of australia's coolest looking marsupials. here is the last living Tasmanian tiger, who died of exposure in Beaumaris Zoo in Hobart tasmania, recolored for your pleasure. Fly High, Benjamin.

[bubsub69]

Entry 1

entries 1-13 were written pre-tumblr

12/05/2023 4:08

4am what better time to start a diary, who knew waking up for 9am classes and then at noon on the next day and then 9am etc could fuck up your sleep schedule.

But yeah… why start a secret encrypted diary now? the first one i've ever made? idk, im just tired and afraid and sick of being lonely and touch starved and all the other stuff

Definetely didnt help to scroll through r/niceguys and seeing the I'm 21 kissless virgin that was bullied and ignored by girls that isnt sexist and racist and doesnt do drugs and thinking wow its literally me and then it being followed by females owe me sex the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/comments/12n0m5q/ngvc_im_not_a_sexist_but_females_owe_me_sex/

cause you know… what if i become like this, what if i become an even bigger nuisance than i already am and/or fuck up my chances of ever finding someone, it's especially worrysome that i felt bad for some of the guys, you know simpathizing with the kind of people that call women whores for not wanting the nice guy, cant believe i went to the subreddit because of the omoriboy soy parody (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahPdX90_6jg).

And then there's the someone i found ish just gonna call her D She replied to my post on the femdompersonals subreddit and it was pretty close to love at first sight, but probably very one sided, i mean shit she was now moving from the us to porto what better luck could i want. But she's been very busy, especially with the moving, it took from her texting me on the 26 of april to the 7th of may just to have a 1 hour call.

And boy that call was something, i literally think it was the only time i was genuinely happy in like.. i dunno a month? a year? more? i couldnt even sleep that night, i really needed that call cause i thought she was just fucking with me at that point, you know pretending to be interested and catfishing me for something but no i got a 1 hour call and she even showed me her face at the end, i was kinda expecting something sexual but no it was just getting to know each other which is fine for a first call, she's a really cool and interesting girl, i did think it was weird she just went to walk her dog mid conversation but i guess its something that cant wait, it probably had to pee as well.. maybe it was actually nice of her not to hang up on the call while she was walking the dog.

But yeah i'm kind of back at square one, shes not busy with moving but she has a million hobbies apparenly that she balances with her work and learning a new language and all that stuff, shes had a non specified workshop and a ceramics class as excuses which.. yeah im doubting if shes actually doing, i even commented wow you have a lot of hobbies which i was scared of doing cause i didnt want to imply shes lying even if i have the gut feeling she is, and it makes me feel awful to not trust her, but honestly i think i'd be fine with all that if she just put some initiative in texting, literally the only time she texted first was for a link to a game that she didnt even comment on, really makes ya wonder is she doing some 'woman games™' or just fucking with me or just seeing how far she can push me.. fuck i am becoming an incel, cause you know its the classic i have a life outside of you, you cant just expect me to make time for you everyday but fuck maybe the first call was a bad ideia cause now i just crave more, i seriously think theres some potential here but not if she doesnt have time for me, which im obviously not entitled to but ofc i still want it.

im just so scared of texting her, if i do it too often i might annoy her, if i dont do it enough she might forget about me.. i dont even know whats worse, i tried texting every other day but that also seems like too much, i dunno do i just wait for her to text me and make a call appoinment, it also kind of doesnt help i dont even know her name or age, granted she doesnt know my name either but yeah its another layer of anonymity that i want to get rid of, maybe i should try on the weekend, its when we had the call and she might have time, we'll see

She did kind of mention meeting up one day, dont know if she was just being nice of something, but i just wish i knew how she feels about me, or just get some advice with texting her, i dont want to be disingenuous either and write what someone else tells me to, how do i balance being needy and not annoying.

and theres also the voice.. i'm honestly starting to worry im losing control to the self degrading voice i have inside me, that thing is real mean, its whats making me distrust her and shit, i even thought i 'defeated' it with the call but it just came back same as before. The youre useless and an annoyance and all those thoughts are kind of starting to worry me a bit, especially since the suicide thoughts are becoming a bit too common, im still far from it, im too scared to do it, but the first step of commiting suicide is having the reason to do it, and i also think im kind of becoming a psycopath, not in the edgy way its just ive become so apathetic lately, the 'mom would be sad' strategy doesnt work at all cause im so sick of her, between being annoying and not trusting me and being dumb and the shit she did to my cousin and kind of being blamed cause shes getting unknown disease cause of stress, ive kind of grown to hate her a bit i did cry a bit when i got my cousin's graduation ribbon (its a thing here, you write shit like good job and good luck), reading the only ribbon that i got that wasnt just generic garbage made me tear up a bit, not immediately just when i got home, and it didnt help when she hugged me and said if you ever leave pls take me with you, so yeah maybe im not apathetic i just hate my mother

There's also my cat, im kind of getting… idk sick of him too angry, it just feels like he doesnt like me sometimes, which is absurd he comes to greet me and only me when i arrive and hes actually been sleeping a bit with me tonight and yesterday, but the biting when i pet him is really annoying.. what am i saying its just cat stuff its normal. I am feeling kinda weird when i pet him and think damn i wish i was the one being petted (not by him ofc), you know just lying on girls lap and being petted, r/cuddle_slut really made me realize how fucking touch starved i am.

Or maybe i should just move on from her.. maybe she doesnt want that kind of relationship, i really dont want to start talking to someone else while im talking with her tough, feels real scummy, i kind of did that with someone on skype, i had a couple of sessions with her but she kind of stopped texting me as i was talking to D which was lucky, but in those sessions i had full video on and she didnt even use her voice so i guess its kind of fair, she was also the one that took the initiative texting so who knows maybe shes doing what im planning on doing, letting her text first which didnt really work out for her cause i didnt and now our last message is from the 28th. typing this really discouraged me from the let her text first and see what happens strategy, i guess ill settle for trying on the weekend tough this saturday i have the ribbon party so hopefully i have time and energy to call her

Maybe ill just try some keyholding, just to do something sexual that isnt just showing my junk and locking it or putting my finger in my ass for the skype girl, but the problem with keyholding is that it might take some time.. what if while im locked D wants to do something and i reveal i've been """unfaithfull""" i think im gonna wait a bit more for her i really want things to work out with her she just seems like a really cool person but im worried im too much of a loser for her, the very busy woman who managed commitees has a million hobbies and her boyfriend who's a stay at home gamer

I guess that's it for first entry, hopefully when I'm rereading this im in a better state, or maybe im showing this to my therapist or hey maybe even D or whatever her name is, overall not bad for a first diary entry i think, i got to rant a bit even if it was just on a keyboard, i think im gonna start writing here a bit, some non sad stuff as well hopefully

maybe ill dump this on some ai text and see what happens (garbage pretty much)

See you on entry 2 i guess.

PS wow its 5:15 was not expecting to spend an hour writing this

[silversiren1101]

Goodbye my sweet boy. You're no longer suffering. I wish I had been able to go with you, it hurts so much. 12 years was too short. I was thinking we'd get so many more together and it's hard not to feel like I took it all for granted and be filled with regret. You went from perfectly healthy, my bright and chirpy boy, to not not being able to eat or walk in just 3 weeks. It's so unfair. How much you did for us, how happy you made us... and now you've been taken from us so quickly and everything hurts.

I would have done anything to save you. I can't help but hate myself for not cherishing everytime you woke me up at 4am meowing to play. I'd get so mad but I want nothing more than to go back and tell myself to get up and do it. I'd do anything to play with you again, buddy. You were always and forever a kitten at heart and we were so blessed to have a cat your age that always wanted to play. I'd hear you yowl from across the house through the toy in your mouth as you'd make your way to wherever we were with it, to drop it at the doorway of the room like you were bringing us a present. When you thought you were home alone because one of us left the house and the other was being quiet you'd stomp around crying, and when we'd told you we were still home you'd chirp and come running. Whenever I started to go on a passionate rant you'd wake up from whenever and come to me and meow so loudly with big eyes, like you wanted to join me and back me up on whatever I was going off on. You were always a daddy's boy and loved to cuddle with him while you'd pretend to be aloof running away from me and giving me play bites, but I know it was because I was the play parent and you wanted me to chase you since you tail was held up high and you'd stop at the corner to see if I was following. Sometimes I'd wake up and you were snuggling with me, and then you'd get up and leave once I noticed you like you were embarrassed. You loved to sleep in my chair and on my blankets and on my clothing, specifically mine. I loved finding you in the beanbag after I'd used it. I'd always know when you were coming because the floorboards would creak in a specific way, and I'd turn and see you before you could chirp and announce your presence. And I'd always know where to find you because if you spent more than 1 min in the room you were in you'd start purring so loudly it sounded like an engine.

I wish I had played with you even more. I wish I had stocked up on your favorite freeze fried minnows months ago because by the time we got you back you couldn't bring yourself to eat them anymore. I used to get so mad when you'd jump on the counter in the kitchen to lick plates, but now I would just be happy you'd eaten. I'm happy that you did manage to drink the tuna juice I poured into your dish for you, and your ears perked up at the sound of the can even though you could barely sit up. You used to come running whenever a can was opened and would get mad when you didn't get tuna juice even when I'd show you it was corn or beans.

So I'm happy, at least, that you got to have your tuna one last time. And that you purred for us. You could barely get it out, but you did. Thank you, my sweet baby boy.

I'll miss you forever. Your fur is going to haunt us in this house forever, and I'll think every creaking floorboard is you.

He's gone.

[twice2x2much]

Day 4

Day 3 never really ended because I couldn't sleep. I waited all night for you to reach out, and it wasn't until the sun showed up when I gave up staring on the bottle of benadryl and dozed myself to sleep.

and you'd think that half the bottle would the trick? yes it did put me down, but my brain kept on waking up to check my phone. All day had passed and nothing. But hey at least I managed to get some sleep.

I didn't want to wake up until the day was over. I wanted so desperately to reach out. I have other things in my life happening but hating you is the most exhausting, I honestly don't want to do it anymore.

I tried, you know? to remember us, to reach out, even went as far as typing a message, my heart was all for it but my brain wouldn't let me send it. Because I knew, the moment that I do, you would feel yet again, that I cannot live without you, that I love you too much to walk away, and nothing would change. I would disrespect and betray myself again.

I had to lessen the supply of me, so your demand of me would appreciate.

Granted, I ended the day at 4am 22nd of March drunk and lonely but I did not shed tears. I didn't the first, second, third day. I am beginning to feel strong.

[not-your-chosen]

(Cont from X) @sah1x1s​

Enough time had passed for Joel to grow familiar- enough- with Rowena. It didn't mean that he warmed up to her, at least not significantly, but with each passing day, he found himself looking for her more and more often, convincing himself that he wanted to make sure she was safe.

So when he couldn't spot her, his mind went frantic, needing to find her, needing to make sure she was okay, needing- he just needed to see her.

Try as he might, he had grown attached despite trying not to, and he couldn't lose her. Not her. Not again. He couldn't lose anyone again.

Finally having found her, he helped carry everything inside before lockdown started, the familiar blare of the alarms ringing through his skull at an ever-so-annoying tempo causing him to scowl.

---

That night, he couldn't find it in himself to sleep. He just- it was the anniversary of Sarah's death, and his brain wouldn't grant him peace enough to just shut off. Instead, it simply replayed every memory, good and bad and...worse.

So he simply got up at 4am and wadded towards the kitchen, and started a fresh pot of coffee, sitting on the countertop as it brewed, taking no heed to the freezing temperature in his boxers and thin shirt, still with a far-off gaze in his expression.

Rowena couldn't really sleep as well. No fault of her own though. it seemed like her brain couldn't rest, there were too many spirits lingering around the dorm -more than usual anyway.- If she had the ability to be frustrated she would, but in all honesty, she was just tired.

Looking to the other side of the sleeping quarters and not seeing Joel there she moved to sit up fully, taking in where he might have gone. Only the sound of the coffee makers popping hum made her calm. He was just making coffee. Moving to slink out of bed, she put on her long cardigan and wrapped it around herself. It is rather chilly in the apartment, huh. 

Grabbing Joel's wool blanket, she gathered it up in her arms and padded out barefoot into the communal kitchen.

Without a word, she wrapped his blanket around his broad shoulders, covering his form. He must have been freezing in only the clothes he slept in.

“i don't want you to catch a cold...” she mutters, voice meek and quiet. 

[potter-inthe-tardis]

Colin Firth and Hugh Grant have been in several romcoms together, but they have yet to be each others love interests, its 2022 I think it's time

[silverflqmes]

HELP IWOWSHJE YOU THINK IM FUNNY??😻 im kidding.. let me be normal🫡

im sure it’ll be great!! would fr read your og work if you’re producing content this solid😩 BUT YEAH IDK SEFIKURA JUST GOT SOMETHING THAT HAD ME GASPING FOR AIR ITS JUST LIKE?? they’re so complex and despite being enemies they literally understand one another the best?? it’s just so insane to me honestly how similar yet so different that they are- it intrigues me to see how they progress throughout the games ( i’ve only played remake — which i finished almost two weeks ago i wanna say, playing cc now as im answering actually😭, ec and watched ac ), but i have limited time since i gotta start up college in september and wont have a console at my disposal since im leaving it behind probs</3

i myself have not written much for sefikura — just got one thing up on my acc which was an intrusive / analysis drabble while i was playing remake and got to the edge of creation😵‍💫 cuz writing oneshots is not something i often do unless i have an idea and i just need to get it OUT of my brain😭 otherwise i occupy myself with my lengthier fics on wattpad — which are for haikyuu😭 but since i’ve been brain rotting sm abt ff7 i decided to indulge just a little bit to try my hand at writing it<3

DIALOGUE?? honestly, valid cuz whenever i read their interactions in your fics it’s just crazy how on point they both are. dialogue fr is super important to writing which im trying to work on rn as i write my original story cuz i gotta remember speech mannerisms, behavior, stuff like that so characters are differentiated!! hmm, tbh listening to voices does make sense cuz somehow you had me hearing their voices for certain lines so good job on that, cuz you hella succeeded😩 agreed tho character / relationship development, whether or not established is important and i think you handle it rlly well along with the progression throughout your stories, granted i was VERY MUCH on the edge of my seat during the last chance w the whole tifa thing😭 ITS HONESTLY A RELIEF THAT YOU DO HAPPY ENDINGS cuz STAR WARS RUINED ME TBH so getting a happy ending for a change is so refreshing🧎‍♀️HOKANO ATE AT ME IT WAS 4AM AND I COULD NOT SLEEP UNTIL I FINISHED READING😭 when i got to the end i was like ohmygod are they gonna die?? but still a good fic i rlly loved the concept<3 angst just has me some way😔

BAKAHWKWWJ A SCORPIO?? okay okay it does explain a bit LMAO slay scorpio rep<3 yeah im just naturally impatient😵‍💫 and just spontaneous when it comes to writing.. deadass i would open up my books and just go in while thinking of stuff along the way ( basically, no plan minus the outline i make.. )

but i agree with what you mean abt having smtn to look forward to, i used to do that but keeping a schedule became a little difficult these last few years so i just kinda posted stuff whenever i could :’) at times i might also lose inspo and shift over to another fic but atm ive just been focusing on one full on fic since i fleshed it out the most and just a bit of a happy place for me🫶 i understand w your fics tho cuz seph and cloud are pretty different in each story from what i saw! PLS I TRIED TO DO A SHIP WEEK ONCE FOR A PAIRING AND I DID NOT LAST😭 i was like aint no way i cannot keep up like this.. but what you produced was chef’s kiss honestly, loved<3 PLS I DID NOT EXPECT YOU TO RESPOND AGAIN I WAS LIKE OH!!

DEFINITELY HAD A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE🫣 i went into the theater completely blind to what was gonna happen and was surprised to see so many ppl?? and honestly ate up the whole movie — like ik there are mixed opinions regarding it but it was so good??? and when sephiroth showed up at the end i was completely GONE my eyes were fr glued to the screen it was just insane and the fight was so well put together??? 12/10 movie🗣️ OOOO THAT SOUNDS COOL honestly i wish i’d gotten into ff at a younger age but growing up i was super immersed in tekken and star wars ( mainly ), it’s where a lot of my inspiration comes from😵‍💫 probably why i like sephiroth sm too cuz he reminds me of anakin a lot.. but yeah, i held off on tapping into ff since school was out for blood with me🫡 so i’m grinding and indulging in whatever i can now before uni starts for me😭 BAHAHAHA she has no intentions of allowing me any escape i fear.. BRO FFN AS IN FANFICTION.NET?? i have not heard abt that site in so long oml.. i started there too back in 2017😭😭 i was into fairy tail at the time :’) but i shifted over to wp and now juggle wp and tumblr.. online ive been writing i wanna say for about seven years?? but writing ive been doing since i was about eight yrs old ( currently nineteen😵‍💫 ) geez i feel old now as well looking back at everything i wrote😭😭

HAJQHSJS YEAH E2L😭😭 last year i was reading so many fantasy enemies to lovers books that i picked up the lingo readers often used..😶‍🌫️ BUT IT SO IS THE BEST DYNAMIC! it just goes harder than it should😩 zakkura is cute but i feel you on that i need complexity i need ANGST i need shit to go down, the touch her / him and you die, the who hurt you, stakes, conflict, build up — SLOW BURN AND THE BANTER OML like i need all of that bc when they get together there’s just- this satisfaction where you’re like FUCK YEAH!! ahem but yeah😭 i agree, zakkura is more comforting and just sweet, very much on the healing side — its good when you need hella fluff</3 but they’re also the definition of right person, wrong time / not enough time🥹 ff7 is so cruel</3

IM FR LIVING FOR SEPHIROTH TEASING THE HELL OUT OF CLOUD AND GETTING ON HIS NERVES😭 its just so GOOD. so satisfying to read🫣 ZACK IS SUCH A BESTI FR!! we love him for supporting his buddies<3 i cant wait to see more!! and yes😭 i read everything a little throughout the month since your style was just so refreshing to read<3

the last chance was so good honestly i rlly liked the way you explored what was essentially a hypothetical of sephiroth returning again — i was so worried the whole time that smtn would happen to him but then i was like happy ending happy ending ( me on copium basically ) and it all went well<3 it was so cute to see sephi with the kids🥹

fr?? honestly i can see what you mean, i did notice it was a bit on the darker side which made me curious to see how you would handle the story — but i hope you’re doing okay now!! make sure you’re taking care of yourself!! but yup it helps to write whenever things are tough tbh, best way to get stuff out :’) looking forward to seeing the reunion yupyup<3

BAHAHHA DW I WROTE A LOT TOO SO YOURE GOOD😭

hi hi not necessarily an ask but i wanted to tell you that your works are so good??? like i’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that your stories are not the canon plot of ff7 AND YET IT FEELS SO REALISTIC BECAUSE YOU PORTRAY THE CHARACTERS SO WELL??? i fr almost gaslighted myself for a second there BAHAHAHA ahem, anyway, really love your style of writing, it’s so refreshing to me<3 literally got me giddy and looking forward to fic updates for the first time in awhile?? i’ve been in a reading slump for a good minute and your sefikura fics dragged me out in the most emotional yet spicy way possible IDK HOW YOU DO IT WITH THE WAY TAG TEAMING SMUT AND ANGST SO LANGUIDLY, LITERALLY GOT ME UGLY CRYING ONE MINUTE AND THEN SCREAMING THE NEXT

the power you hold oml but anyway — all in all it’s immaculate, eating it up fr🧎‍♀️ can’t wait to read more!!

and ummmm.. my bad for the word vomit i fr had to simp on main and show my appreciation🫡 have a good rest of your day / night!!<33

Wow, thank you so much! 😱 It’s not everyday I get praised like that, and I’m so honored you like my work that much! 🥰 I love to write, and I have original work on the backburner indefinitely because sefikura has stolen my soul for all eternity, haha. And I know exactly what you mean, I was so disappointed that fics I liked a lot only updated once a year or were left unfinished and I just...got so fed up with it that I decided I’d rather just spend my time writing my own than keep trying to read them. That’s why I’ll never leave a story unfinished(though sequels may take a while to appear). My comments section on AO3 is open to both users and guests, so you are always free to scream about it there or here, I don’t mind in the slightest! It makes me excited to post when you’re excited for the update, too! 

Out of curiosity, which story got you hooked on my work? 👀 In Death is my current fic that has 5 chapters left, and I’ll post one every single Friday until it’s complete, with chapter 15 coming out in just a couple days~! Ahh, the reunion is almost at hand! I also made a special image for the final chapter, and I can’t wait to share it. :) Thank you for leaving me such a lovely comment, I’m truly honored to receive it! 💖💖

[garciamorales]

I need some pictures of Steven Grant looking exhausted as that’s how I feel right now cause my insomnia is kicking my ass and I don’t remember the last time I slept through a night without waking up every hour :)

[dykeomania]

𝒎𝒊𝒂'𝒔 𝒔𝒎𝒖𝒕 𝒃𝒍𝒖𝒓𝒃𝒔: parenthood (3).

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: parenthood means stress, and endurance, and exhaustion, and learning curves, and ... sometimes, really, really, really good sex?

𝐚/𝐧: this is my Parenthood (Thought) Piece because i understand that i am mentally 30 but i llloooooooooooveeee a good domesticity concept i eat that shit up nnomnomnonmonmnom. i needed to talk about early parenthood with ellie and i needed to talk about some of the ... Alternate Consequences ... of early parenting .. if you will. this was fun. this was also composed between the hours of like, 2-4am. i think it's pretty literate, and kind of alright. you may have a fun time reading it. if you don't, sorry i'll venmo you a dollar. not ssssure if i really have anything else to say, honestly. proofread (at a very early hour, mind you) but i always make mistakes, i'll always edit over time.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: i understand these tags are like super weird and i always preface my fics like "fuck around and find out," but just to be clear, this fic does not sexualize children in any way. any way. just to really make that clear. mentions of you and ellie being engaged. joel's technically alive. mentions of children. parental uncertainty. stress. a little bit of sub bottom!ellie. we're dipping our toes in. also dom top!ellie. mentions of oral (both receiving), mentions of vaginal penetration (reader receiving). both ellie and the reader being milfs / ellie thinking its really hot how you are a good mom (there are still so many things in this category that i could've hit that im probably not even thinking of, so if y'all like this and wanna talk about them, Please talk to me) i write in past tense for literally all of it and this is just a me thing, but that's not really my style, so things may be .. off. or maybe it's just me. maybe i'm tripping. we'll see. it's like, 4am. so.

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 4.1k, just about (i did too much).

.   .   .   .

you both lived on the farm. it was a quiet, proud little life that you lead. a picturesque actualization of all of the little thoughts and dreams that you and ellie have had about living together, about having a family. though, parenthood was new, and difficult. there were some nights that the baby wouldn't stop crying, and both of you would take turns feeling like shit -- one usually at a grander magnitude than the other --  because neither of you would know what to do. what, am i like, a bad mom? does he hate me? you spent time convincing each other that that is simply not the case, and that this was all part of the process. that you were both new, and learning, and that it's okay.

if you knew nothing else, whether that be due to not having experienced parenthood before or the delirium accompanying the heavy set bags and dark circled ruminating under both of your eyes, then you did know that there were a few things for certain: he will suck his thumb. his cries will turn to wails which will turn to sniffles, which will turn to sighs. he will get tired. he will roll over, and coo, and will go to sleep.... eventually.

granted, while this mentality in general made things easier throughout the early days of raising your newborn son, there was still no doubt that it was.. exhausting. in every way. parenting was a constant learning curve, and it took tolls on both of you in different ways. for ellie, she'd get quiet. snippy, even, and gain a little bit too much audacity at times. a snarky remark or demonstration of blatant impatience towards something minuscule, but still hurtful. her frustration would always point toward some deeper issue that she often struggled met with annoyance first, and words second. one of the first things that ellie learned while parenting was that she was really bad at communicating. she'd find herself throughout the first three, maybe even six months, constantly finding ways to say sorry.. even without saying really having said it. like, slipping into bed when after you'd finally went to sleep, and pressing kisses to your temple. or making sure the dishrack was completely empty, so you'd have one less thing to work about. albeit she struggled to verbally explain that while she understood you were too, she was just.. a little tired.

maybe it was the sleep deprivation, or her willingness to take up most of the tasks that required attention in areas other than just the inside of the home. which.. you did have to admit, were a little bit more intense than cleaning and washing dishes. no one asked her to do all of that. she took it upon herself to do extraneous tasks, like fix the fucking roof, during the peak of summer. and you'd always offer to help, truly. but it was always no, i've got it. you've got other stuff to do. you just go play with him, and i'll be in to take over in a little, okay?

you would, at times, have to sit her down and remind her to take it slow. that the roof isn't really bothering either of you, right now, and it won't until .. october, probably. that it's okay to swap out, if need be. she can do dishes, cook if she wants (burn down the house, if she wants), clean up while you go fix the wiring of the fence, tend to the horses, whatever the fuck she feels the need to do, on top of having to do already.

you would have to remind her, that she just can't do everything all at once. and that's okay. but that's also neither of your faults.

both you and parenthood alike would teach her to .. slow down, take it easy, and to talk.

ellie would have to teach you something similar, believe it or not. your back hurt. your tits wouldn't stop fucking leaking, and ever since you gave birth, you wouldn't stop getting these aching migraines that made your ears ring. you quite literally found yourself bending over backwards, trying to do everything all at once all of the time (sound familiar?), because you knew that it was as much of your job as it was ellie's. you can change the diapers, you can pump the breastmilk, you can clean the house, you can stop him from crying, you can read him books (that he couldn't understand, yet, technically), you could do everything. and theoretically, you could. and you would, until it made you frayed, and unhealthy.

that would be enough to make ellie to step in, put her hand on your shoulder, and advise you in a tone that was about as gentle as it was stern:

hey, let maria take him for a couple of days. you're tense -- i can feel you from across the house.

despite the anxiety and the frustration and the sleep deprivation and the exhaustion, you really would feel grateful to be experiencing this trying time together. there were some patterns characterizing it that were obviously stressful, and anxiety-inducing. but there were some consistencies throughout it that were be sweet, and tender. like, running each other warm baths. sitting – either in the bath, with the other, or on the toilet, or the side of the bath – and talking in low volume, not really out of fear of waking the baby, but just to kind of relish in the pocket of peace that existed between the two of you in that moment. the affection never died between the two of you. you were always snuggling close to each other when it came time for bed. always pressing tender kisses to each other's shoulders, holding each other's hands, circling your thumbs and indexes over each other's engagement rings.

… But!

you know... i'm a whore. so honestly, what really spurred this whole thought, is the fact that .. during parenthood your sex lives would practically be nonexistent. and it's not something that either of you really notice, until one of you explicitly brought it up. raising a child -- especially raising one in an environment that you both worked to keep safe, secured, and comfortable -- is a lot of work.

it wouldn't dawn upon either of you until you both were eating one night at the table - another tradition that you did not forfeit. you managed to dance around the subject due to something entirely tangential, and then it hit you, and you said – out of pure realization, ellie, we haven't had sex in .. like, months.

and just like that, the consequences of at least 98 days of involuntarily celibacy hit you both like a fucking truck.

for you, it came in the form of .. the simple reminder that your soon-to-be-wife is really... really fucking physically flawless. you'd notice this everytime she'd wear short-sleeves, or shirts no sleeves, which was really only.. every once in a while, as jackson got colder, or whenever you both woke up. sometimes you'd find yourself looking at ellie's back profile as she sat upright on the bed, adjacent and turned from you, stretching a big, grand stretch, and you'd feel a specific heat beginning to tickle the insides of your thighs. you found it harder to keep your gazes to yourself as ellie exited the shower, muscles apparent, and glistening. her whole body was littered with scars, and yet she was still so gorgeous. it was hard to believe that even for a second you failed to recall – or be conscious of – the fact that as much of a teddy-bear as she was, you were practically dating a fucking sculpture.

naturally, you would act on your desires first. and frankly, ellie would be so willing to lean into them. 

she'd be lying if she said sometimes she didn't wake feeling a bit restless, and like there was only one thing that soothe her. she craved it, sometimes – your hands, on her. all she needed were some quick rubs against her clit and kisses against her skin to motivate her to get out of bed and feed the animals. and she was so, so fortunate to have a fiancée good enough to her to give her just that.

she dared, shame on her, to forget how good you could make her feel. ellie never really let anyone touch her, before she met you. before she met you, she was honestly convinced a lot of the parts "down there" didn't work. she could hardly achieve making herself cum. it’d take so long. ellie hardly masturbated because she’d get impatient in any ordeal that wasn’t some needy, feral 3am occurrence that left her stirring, sweaty, and overwhelmed. it was a lot of buildup for what she saw as, in the end, very little payoff. and as far as other people making her cum went? well, no one had ever gotten that far. frankly, she didn’t think anyone would get that far.

that was until she met you.

it definitely wasn’t easy. there were a lot of tired wrists and upper biceps, and your jaw did get pretty sore. her pussy was gorgeously messy. but her clit liked to hide sometimes underneath the extra skin. when you found it, you learned that it was usually, extremely sensitive. but you told her that that was okay. you could make that work.

you spent a lot of time learning all of the technicalities. what was too much, what wasn’t enough. what to say to her; how fast to rub her.

it paid off, because about a month into dating, you showed her that it — and frankly, anything — was possible. just takes a little bit of time, and patience, kisses and whispers of affirmation how about how good she feels. how good she’s doing. takes some listening, intently, to what she needs. to what her body needs. 

can feel you twitching. you want my finger right here?

fuck, yeah. right there. just like that, baby -- please don't fuckin' stop.

and once you got good at it (and you got so fucking good at it), ellie couldn’t get enough. she jokes, regularly, that that’s one of the reasons why she’s going to marry you.

ellie's voice in the mornings would breathless and empty. all bostonian accent, rasp, and nothing else. they were vulnerable. whenever she'd let you between her thighs and you placed those kitten licks across her clit transitioning into these longer, learned drags, her moans would break, like glass. her hips would shuffle. sometimes, you’d have to hold her still.

no no, fucking running. it’s okay. just let me. can you let me? can you let me take care of you, baby?

fuck. yes. yes, yes, fuck. s— sorry just – oh, fuck.

it would mostly just be wake-me-ups. but ellie's back would always be arching by the middle of it. she'd find herself gasping, and sighing, and fucking -- against your tongue, against your finger -- and gripping onto whatever, all while mumbling to gods she didn't believe in.

that feels so, so so fucking – g–good.

so fucking good to me; feels so good, babe, thinki'mgonnacum–

ellie's orgasms hit her the same way every time. hard. ridiculously hard. leaving her breathing heavy, and screwing her eyes shut while she grasped at your hand, or your hair. her thighs would tense -- sometimes scramble -- and then collapse, after a while. she became this perfect amalgamation of tinted cheeks, chapped pink lips, messy brown hair, and sticky skin. 

she was such a fucking .. painting. she's so incredible.

the plan, as she wrote it, often was to immediately get out of bed after you made her cum. but oftentimes, she couldn't do anything for the first couple of minutes except lie there, body just a sack of bones and jello. her head would rest instead of pressing into yours, or would nuzzle its way deep into your neck. both occasions a precursor to her finally catching her breath. when she moves her head to kiss you, capturing your lips in something thankful, and sweet, it is almost always grounding for the both of you.

better?

so much better. holy shit, babe.

and that's not to say that ellie would never act on her desires. she was always just a little more calculated.

for ellie, her frustrations would creep up on her in the weirdest ways. it would be.. small things. things that were, actually, probably mutual. watching you wash the dishes, even when you’re not bent in a particularly promiscuous way. watching you cook, even when she wasn't really watching you, 'cause she was keeping the baby busy. but what really did her in was watching how you handled your son. something about seeing you have him on your hip, cooing at him or laughing with him, or playing with him, or smothering his cheek in big kisses that elicited these big, big giggles from him, drove her.. a very, questionable? kind of crazy? it was pure. it was so sweet, and most of the time, it was just that. but you were so, good with him. after so many months, despite all of the struggle, you really did blossom into a beautiful, capable mother, who still held the glow and all of the weight from the pregnancy and just–

ellie would realize how good it all looked on you. she would feel.. really proud.

and it made her feel like you ..  deserved something.

you both remember the first night she’d acted on her desires like it was yesterday. it was on the night that you two had hosted a dinner party for all of your mutual close friends and people who you called family. the dinner was a 3-week-long process of grocery picking, tablecloth finding, invitation designing, and recipe collecting. it honestly stressed you out more than it did ellie because, to be honest, she was kind of just there for moral support. it was your idea, after having had maria over for dinner once. and it was a great idea. but it left you drained – defeated from the final week of preparations, which was especially hectic. when you bathed that night, you bathed alone, a little overstimulated from the day. but you’d let ellie run the bath, though. only because she insisted on doing so. 

the soak cured some of the ache that settled deep into your joints, muscles, and bones.. but not all of it. after you'd set the tub to drain, brushed your teeth, and wrapped a towel around your body, you entered the room with an expected level of silence. you slathered moisturizer on your face, over your arms, over your stretch marks. when it came time to take off your jewlery, the rings – except the prized one – came off easily. but when it came to your necklace, your hands were simply too slippery. you sucked your teeth. you always did this. 

you eventually sighed, filling your lungs to call:

hey, bug. can you come help me take this necklace off, please?

ellie eventually would appear behind you, probably shuffling off of the bed or rounding some corner after changing and becoming into her own definition of comfortable. if she seriously complained, you didn’t hear it. you only felt her, how her hand placed itself on your shoulder just to let you know that she was behind you.

some things never change, move your hair over.

you do as asked, and hang your head. ellie's fingers brush against your skin with a kind of delicacy that makes shivers run down your spine. you lift your eyes, catching ellie's in the mirror before you. yours, heavier than hers.

you watched as she fought a smile, or a smirk. either was a given with her, honestly — in retrospect, it was most likely the latter. you couldn’t really tell, though. she’d dipped her head, eyes fixated on her fingers that fiddled with your necklace clasp.

you did a really nice job on the dinner, tonight.

suddenly, you were the one fighting the smile. you watched her, still.

yeah?

oh, you like.. completely knocked it out of the park. you did great. it was really, really really nice.

you didnt know if ellie was referring to the food, or the setup, or the wine choices – whichever. but something about the appraisal made your head buzz, like you were coming down off a two glasses of champagne (which.. maybe you were). ellie successfully removed your necklace, and yet didn’t back away. instead, she pressed herself closer to your back, and tilted her head so that she could speak just above the top of your ear,

you looked really nice, too.

been waiting for you to settle down, a bit. so i could tell you.

you probably hummed something in response, something that was probably suggestive but also thankful at the same time. it gets lost, though. because ellie bent down, and placed these slow, unassuming, appreciative kisses down your neck, and against the plateau of your shoulder. between those words and the way her hands lingered over your skin, the way she was breathing you in and drinking up the moment, and your scent, made you melt into her way too easily. like butter in a warm pan.

you exhale, like you've been meaning to for .. you don't even know how long.

el..

mhm?

you realize though, that the house is quiet. too quiet. there is a stillness to it that makes the pit of your stomach twist, and anxiety and guilt bubble in the base of it before you could even stop it.

...where's our baby?

you felt ellie grin against your shoulder. she masked it with a peck,

he’s at joel’s.

and then you felt her tongue drag across your skin. a long, open-mouthed kiss across the midpoint of your neck. she presses the padding of her tongue against tender flesh, sucks hard enough for blood to make the skin bloom, and almost -- against your own will -- makes your eyes roll shut.

the simple act -- acts rather, of ellie coordinating behind your back to have the baby taken off your hands (you knew it for a few days –  it's always a few days). she thought she was so slick. it was odd, how much relief those three words gave you,

but at the same time, you kind of wanted to be mad at her.

it was hard to, though. but you couldn't think straight, with how her hands were moving over you, over your towel. with her pelvis pressed against your ass, and her lips on your neck.

you tried,

he was fine here. everything was .. fine, ellie.

but she was so..

i never said everything wasn't fine.

i just think... you've had a really long, stressful week.

you hate how your body reacts to ellie's hands smoothing up your towel. your whole body broke out into goosebumps, seemingly trying to fit into the pores of ellie's palm, 

and i think i wanna make it better.

ellie's breath was hot on your ear, and you didn’t realize it, but your head was already tilted. your eyes had begun to flutter closed. you felt yourself, almost swaying against her. your mouth hung as her teeth grazed over sensitive flesh. her tongue pressed against familiar spots that had been untouched -- like the rest of you -- for so, so long. it was too activating.

in your best effort of defense, you spun yourself to turn around to face her. ellie’s head was tilted, her eyes were low. her breath spanned over your mouth while your palm laid flat against her chest. you stalled – shivering, shaking, suddenly caught in a rapture of toiling emotion that you hadn't felt that strongly in .. god knows how long.

her head dipped back into your neck. she pressed her cotton-clad hips against your towel-covered ones, and it just wasn’t enough. it was a lot, and yet, not enough.

your hand snaked over the nape of her neck as you breathed against your cheek, whole body feeling heavy and compliant. your knees were jelly. you could feel your clit. pulsing, and pleading. it ached as you feel ellie's hand slip over the backs of your thighs, inching under the cusps of your ass.

you needed something. you needed anything. you like to think that you had no idea what necessity meant before this moment, because you had never felt it so strongly. it knocked the wind out of you, only leading you to ask – to plead, without pleading,

e... ellie?

and she understood.

ellie’s head lifted from the crook of your neck she crashed her lips upon yours. the kiss was heavy, and deep. your knees buckled, and where you swore you may fall, she made sure you didn’t. you were shuddering, a hand suddenly possessive around the back her neck. her hands suddenly possessive and stabilizing with the grips she held on your ass. months worth of unknown tension relinquished itself in the pushes and pulls you demanded from each other's bodies while teeth clattered and bit into chapped flesh, turned glossy. moans and breaths circumvented between the two of you, and suddenly, the whole room felt like it was on fire.

she delivered a verbal command, teeth tugging at your lower lip as she half-way parted from it, 

jump.

you’d used whatever remainder of your energy to follow the simple instruction, your legs wrapping around ellie's waist like she was your lifeline. they remained around her as your back fell against the duvet, and as she kissed you so deep, your head ran dizzy and your body was left no choice but to arch into her.

you remember your hand smoothing over her abdomen, and reaching up to grab her chest. you remember sighing into her mouth over the fact that you could. you relished in the moan she released your mouth, and only returned it halfway. 

you remember gripping her and massaging her and bucking your bare hips up against her in hopes of making her make that noise again, louder. you remember how she bucked her hips into you in hopes of the same sentiment, her waistband grazing against your bair clit cauisng her to succeed far quicker than you. 

the night was filled with mind-blurring, fuck-until-the-sun-rises kind of sex. sex that you had no idea your body had needed until ellie had given it to you. your body reeled with every kiss that she'd placed over your skin – you’d watched as she peeled back your towel, and replaced bits and segments of the fabric with her lips in soft, attentive kisses.  it was hard to believe that they would transpire into messy, sloppy things. wet, tantilizing things that would trek down the axis of your body. that would hold your body hostage as her tongue and her lips worked on your clit to bring you closer and closer to your third orgasm of the hour. 

your body wasn’t used to it. any of it. it was, however, too used to and hyperaware of having a tiny human in the house that you simply couldn’t wake at this time of night.

you were shuffling, at one point, scrambling to put a hand on your mouth, or to bite your own knuckle.  when that didn’t work, you let your head fall over to a pillow while you fucked up against ellie’s tongue and bit the fabric, trying so hard not to moan. but you felt yourself cracking. 

you’ll never forget how ellie looked up at you. eyes a deep, pointed shade of green as she shook her head – mouth still attached to your clit – which in and of itself had almost made you cry. when she pulled away, it was the only time you let yourself make a noise. only because the whine that was ripped out of you was entirely unanticipated, just like her action.

her breath rippled over your the nerves as she ran her fingertip up, and down your hole. you whimpered, hips shifting up relfexivley, cunt tightening just from the invitation. nearly gushing from the feeling of her beginning to small rub circles against it, instead.

i’ve missed you so fucking much.

she dipped a finger inside of you with such ease, and no warning. a long, slender digit bottomed out inside your cunt, before she pushed in another, and made your jaw go slack. her eyes hung on yours – glossed over with lust and a bit narrow as a result of the devious smile that’d begun to overtake her expression.

she’d begun pumping her fingers.

he’s not here, baby.

it’s just us.

her fingers were so fucking long, you swore to god, you would never want a life without them in it. couldn’t bear another 3, 4, 5 months without having them in you. jesus fuck.

wanna hear you. 

wanna hear you be as loud as you fuckin’ want.

ellie emphasized her words by proceeding to fuck you faster. her tongue latched back onto your clit, rolling over and slurping at the nerves, rolling beads of saliva and your juices into and against the bundle. the sound of your cunt was so encompassing, it was hard to believe that it became the backdrop for the moans that ellie had ripped out of you. that made it into, and mostly out of, the pillow, amidst a sea of praise and bucking hips.

the next morning was luxuriuosly unproductive. ellie had only woke to feed the animals and returned to bed and slept with you until noon. she was always affectionate, come mornings. but especially riding off of the honeymoon buzz of the night prior, she made the morning after memorably tender, often pressing kisses to your forehead, and your shoulder, regardless of how awake both you or she was. she’d whisper sweet nothings into your ear, promises of how much she loved you. how she’s really glad this is how she gets to spend her life, as long as it’s with you. all of the sugary things that eventually caramelize into jokes and giggles and laughter, and that how you’d know it was time to get up.

it’s safe to say that parenthood brought you and ellie both very interesting things. it brought you challenges, and it brought you lows. it brought you highs, and photographs, and moments where you did feel like all of your hard-work was paying off, even when it didn’t seem that way. having a family meant having the opportunity to open your house up to people you who you loved. having a family meant having traditions, and things to fall back on – things that you would develop over time, as you learned more and discovered more of what you wanted. and having a family with ellie meant that you could fall back on each other, no matter how tough things got.

.. it also just meant sometimes having really.. really good sex. 

(whenever you remembered that that was something that the two of you could actually do, that is.)