#gotta mention spike is still kind of a loser like how bad can someone fuck up with his crush man she beat you up and you still show up at

[jjmorelikeotp]

Okay so I am watching BTVS for the first time in my life & I'm currently on season 6 E 14, and one thing I really really love is how Spike is just so...comitted.

With Angel, I personally had the feeling he was grieving the person he could be, all sad and sappy in his misery that kinda clung around him all the time (ik we're calling spike a drama queen but. THAT MAN? Depressed himbo vibes. No offense.) Even though he had a soul, there was this feeling of self pity in him - and it makes sense considering the fact he probably knew that one true moment of happiness would turn him back into a monster, and that is rly depressing tbh.

Does not change the fact that Buffy being underage when being with him is totally absurd and predatory, there, I said it.

He is kind of the big scary monster guy and sometimes she does seem like a normal 16 year old, and by that, naive or simply, young.

It made me feel like she was prey, not gonna lie.

It is what stopped him from truly comitting to Buffy. I mean yeah, their love was pure and they definetely are soulmates in some way. They truly affected each other's fate.

But this is where Spike is different than Angel as well. He is truly COMITTED to what he's doing, he is all in for buffy. Like, the way he offers to make money for her when she needs it? That offer is NOT a deal-kind-of-offer. He truly wants to help her and it is so casually because he already is in full partner mode, in whatever way she needs. Offering comfort when she has to work a double shift (yeah by fucking outside, mkay, just the spuffy way ig) like that because he is actually afraid she will lose her sanity? Even though they drive each other insane? Yeah these scenes are not talked about enough.

In that same scenario, Angel never even would have showed up. He would have waited in front of the building after Buffy ended her shift, maybe. He never even offered to be in her life like that, while both of them found a million excuses for it. But Spike does not. He just simply does stuff that COULD be the solution if he ever even thought of them being a problem.

And I think that is also why he's so pissed about Buffy going on and off about him - to Angel, she seemed so comitted, but to him, he just does not seem to be able to.

And again, it make sense, but I also think we don't talk enough about the fact that Buffy did indeed kill Angel, when it wasn't even necessary as in "he was soulless and a monster" anymore. Even though she loved him. But only when she had a really really good reason/purpose.

So one thing that might be also pushing her away from spike is the thought of having to do that again, and desperately trying to find the purpose without being able to.

He makes her choose wether she wants to be the prey or the hunter in this. On purpose. To show her her options and her power because she never really got to experience both sides / perspectives with Angel OR Riley.

So while she tries to figure out 1. Her reason why she should kill him (which should be a very very valid one so she can bring up the power to do so) 2. Her life's purpose in general, he just ... delivers purpose, not to her, but as in, her being the purpose. That's what he acts like and That's what she can't handle. Yes, she is the reason he is trying to change, but also, he puts her in the Position of being the purpose of him doing that.

Showing her the self responsibility and ability to be her own purpose and make her own decisions. (After her friends all kind of screwed up that kind of SELF responsibility.) He really does man up in this show, and like I said, these are just my thoughts watching it for the first time (did not see angel the series yet).

He is also holding her accountable even though he has a soft spot for her, and she is not used to that. She treats him like a man, yes, but he treats her like an equal as well and always has. She is used being looked down upon by adults or the council, enemies, blablablah, also her friends who "saved" her earlier this season, or being the superslayer hero and leader who has to do everything. She is always in positions. Even with angel, she was, it kind of stopped when they broke up but even then, he treats her like she does not know SHIT. Something is standing between them and always has been, and while Angel kind of used that as an excuse to keep distant and keep their walls up, Spike uses these exact walls as a reason or challenge to tear them down. Spike never acts like things are not his fault even if they are horrible, he just simply accepts his dark side while still having a normal one, with passions on tv and card games and whatever. He *subconciously* takes responsibility even before having a soul, for stuff he did, he doesn't blame his vampire side or whatever for it.

I think in subtext, Buffy always had a slight commitment to angel, as in "maybe, one day, it can still happen" while angel cut off all those hopes for himself (not his desires, maybe. But his ... solution oriented search or smth) as we can see when he visits her at her mom's funeral.

And one other reason why Buffy is so terrified of that whole Spike thing is because it makes her stop that hope for angel or resolve that feeling of being owned by (her feelings for) him.

And don't get me wrong, Spike is kinda possessive too, but as I see it he is trying to commit to a relationship where she can own herself and that is what terrifies her truly.

(That's what we see him do with drusilla from the beginning)

You understand what I mean? If you got thoughts on it let me know!

[kalinawtokilig]

S/O who gets into fights

Pair(s) : Sugawara Koushi x Reader, Yaku Morisuke x Reader, Akaashi Keiji x Reader, Iwaizumi Hajime x Reader, Semi Eita x Reader 

Ohoh, boi good luck. 

Summary: 

It’s not uncommon for you to get into a fight, as you don’t look nor act the type. You don’t ask to get into a fight nor provoke, you simply attract trouble, (Oh, a problem child,,) But if this person (or people) are talking smack about you, you bet your bum that you’re gonna sit down and let them. Nah, you put’em up. Warning? You ARE the WARNING. 

Sugawara Koushi x Reader

((I love and pimp him. Pimp pimp pimp)) 

He hears it from Yachi. More like, the team does and Nishinoya and Tanaka are ready to throw some hands.

During practice, Yachi, the sweet girl, poor her; she sees you having an intense argument with two other third years when she comes to refill on water bottles. 

She knows you, talking to you a couple of times. You were always a sweet upperclassman, kind and soft to her and the team, even Kageyama and Tsukishima showed you respect in your presence. 

But when one of them swung the first punch to your face, you bet she dropped everything and hauled ass to the gym to call over your boyfriend. 

Sugawara. Ah, yes, the duality of this man. I would say unpredictable, cause some say he’s the responsible type to stop the fight by finding a teacher and others say he’ll unleash Tanaka and Nishinoya. 

I say, he’s the type to KNOW who you are and WHAT you are capable of. Yes, he can join in the fight, but last time he saw you fight someone he was unaware and baffled that you are able to land solid one punch (( WANNA BE SAIKYU HEROOO)) and knock’em out. Nah, he’s the type to collect the aftermath and try to bury the evidence ((What a sweet boyfie <3 )) 

“Suga-san! (Y/N)-san i-is in a fight a-and I think they need help!” She screeches, catching the attention of the team members. 

“Ah, I’ll be back. Gotta collect the corpses.” 

Asahi, Hinata, and Yachi nearly pass out when he says that. “Corpses? (Y/N)-san killed them that quick? And Sugawara is the accessory???” 

When he finally reaches you, though he knows you’re capable of standing your ground, he can’t help but worry the bruises and cuts on you. You may be able to keep standing, but that doesn’t mean you can avoid ALL their hits. 

When he sees your figure, his fingers dig deep into his palms. “(Y/N)?” He calls out to you. You’re huffing and you straighten your back, turning to face him you smile lovingly to him. “Yes, Darling?” 

He may simp for you but that doesn’t mean he can’t lecture you. 

Sighing, he crouches to the two fools who decided to provoke you and talks to them in that tone where you can’t speak because you’re scared of what they’re capable of. He says that he’ll be watching them closely and that if they mention their S/O beating them up, not only will they all get suspended but Sugawara will make sure they’ll never face pride or regain their HONOR back. (ayye zuko wassup ?) 

Standing up, he looks to you and holds your hands as gingerly as possibly, observing the irritated redness on your knuckles and the splotches of small red bloody dots. His nose scrunches cutely as one hand lets go of yours to cup your face carefully because of the now forming bruise on your pretty face. 

Sighing, he smiles, brows furrowed, “Sugar, next time, go easy on them. I don’t want your pretty hands to be so messed up. I love you and I don’t mind bandaging them up and kissing them to make you feel better, but I feel the more you punch the more your hands’ll fall off. Then who am I supposed to hold hands with?”

You can’t help but crack a joke, “Ah yes, losing Daichi and me in the same year, my poor Darling~!” You coo to him. 

“You’re lucky you’re cute.” 

“Oi!” 

Yaku Morisuke x Reader

((Babie,, cat babie ,,, dangerous babiee,,)) 

While the fiery, third-year, libero of Nekoma dislikes Lev, you absolutely cherish the tall boy and found him cute.

Kuroo makes fun of Yaku saying you should date Lev instead

then you retorted to the rooster head saying that it’ll be weird cause Lev is basically a little brother you’ve always wanted.

One day, after school, while your boyfie was at practice, you were on cleaning duty and overheard some students talking about your two favorite people.

They made fun Lev and then Yaku. They absolutely insulted him for his height and his plays while they made fun of Lev’s intelligence and lack of plays. 

And they chose D E A T H 

“Hah? Whatcha say?!” 

Commence a brawl 

You could’ve used the broomstick by breaking it in half and shanking them but you wanted them to know not to die JUST yet.

You were able to leave satisfied yet still pissed. The other students didn’t speak a peep, as to know not to mess with your temper and if they were a snitch, well, snitches get popped. 

for the ones who talked smack, you both came to the conclusion to say that you guys were playing too rough with the cleaning supplies 

When practice was over, you waited by the gate for your boyfie 

Seeing him, you smiled at him and he came up to you, flicking your jaw

“Ow! Love, what was that for? You’re not give your soldier a loving and tender hug for defending you and our child’s honor?” You pouted cutely to him. 

His eyes widened a bit,  a pink blush on his face until he squinted his eyes at you. “You got into a fight, again.”

“All in good nature, babe!” You stuck out your tongue to him, surprisingly he stuck out his tongue, to lick you with his own. 

“Wha-”

“As much as I love you, you’re lucky that I wasn’t there or I would’ve killed you too to get rid of the evidence.”

“...Aw! You love me so much that you’ll clean my messes, I love you too, Morisuke!” 

“...I love you too, you frickin idiot.” 

Akaashi Keiji x Reader

(Ayyeee back at it again, Akaashi-kun, how ya doin?) 

Akaashi may be a patient man, but this man can hold his patience with a sharp knife and cut it instantly 

It was your movie date and while you waited for Akaashi to get popcorn and snacks, your saw one of your best friends. 

You went up to say hi until you heard them talk bad about you, saying how Akaashi is only dating you to keep an eye on you or how you’re too naive that they obviously don’t want you cause you’re too clingy

with the cold, freezing, slushie, you ‘accidentally’ trip and spill it all over your now ex-bestie

like your bestie, that two-faced bih doesn’t go down without a fight

so basically this was your break-up fight

As he bandages your hands, you were too nervous to speak to him

You weren’t afraid of anything, not failing, not teachers or authority, nor suspencion

Though, you were very afraid of Akaashi’s silent temper

“Ah, Love-”

Pretty boy looks at you so quick you flinch for the upcoming lecture yet he says nothing which makes it even more scary for what he’ll say

“Are you mad at me?” You ask cutely, pouting and looking through your lashes while your head is down in shame

After a couple of minutes waiting for his answer, he sighs

“Blossom, you know how concerned I get when you get into fights. It...” He looks away, “hurts me to see you hurt...I love you a lot that I’m mad at myself that I wasn’t there to help you.” He confesses with a red tint spreading to the tips of his ears. 

Oh dear LORD this man continues to speak heavenly got ME swooning- 

“I should’ve known that friend of yours wasn’t true to you...I’m sorry I couldn’t see that. If you want, we can have Kenma pirate the movie and send us the link. Better than going out, right?” 

((THIS MAN HAS THE AUDACITY TO SMILE LIKE A FRICKIN GOD AHW I HATE IT HERE))

Your eyes sparkle and you launch to hug him, he lets out s strangled yelp as he falls back onto the bed 

Though easy to get into fights, you were easy to cry, as you were emotional to these kinds of things

“AGHAAHHSHI I LOVE YOU I FRICKIN HATE YOU CAUSE YOURE SO PERFECT UWAYWHH” ((omg me))

Chuckling, he buries his head into the crook of your neck, one hand on your side and the other petting your hair

“I love you too, blossom” 

Iwaizumi Hajime x Reader

((YEES YES YES YES I  STAN AND I PIMP ,, PIMP PIMP PIMMP))) 

((LOOK AT HIM LOOK AT. HIM.)) 

What a cactus. Don’t we stan? 

I stan. I totally stan. 

When you get into a fight this man KNOWS he’s most likely gonna watch to see if there is any bih to try to hit you while you’re busy fUCKING UP WITH OTHERS WHO MESSED WITH YA

Iwaizumi is literally the chillest ngl 

Will probably join if some CUNT ASS BIH  decides to pull ya hair or pick up some petty stick to beat you with it

((the more i write at 4:30 AM, the more my mind expands to more fight scenarios ohohhhh get ready my friends)) 

Literally the toughest couple

no cap, no one will mess with you unless they’re tryna get f’d in the a in the most unpleasurable way (omg that rhymes) 

Oikawa makes funny and teasing jokes about how you both look so intimidating that you’ll get wrinkles on your faces

“Keep barking, Oikawa, cause I can make sure my kicks can knock off that bitchy attitude <3″

“Why are you and Iwa-chan like this.” 

“Lmao get wrecked Trashykawa.”

Sometimes you act like Oikawa’s guard too, the fans know of your rep around school, so they don’t bother Oikawa as much which means Iwaizumi doesn’t have to spike volleyballs at his head so they can head to practice without any distractions ((Though Iwa still does it when Oikawa gets too flirty when thanking you)) 

Omg I can go forever with Iwa holleeeeemolleee 

I feel,, that when he’s bandaging up your face, your cleaning the cuts on his....chest.... n’ biceps,,,oof to be you... 

I feel like getting into fights can also count as a date

how fun would that be

talking about your fight date with him in front of other ppl who don’t really know you

I imagine you and iwa-babes talking and you’re like, staring so lovingly at his face and reach to touch the cut above his lip and you’re reminiscing 

“Babes, remember when we fought those two losers at the parking lot of a Target?”

“Oh yeah, I remember that. That dickbag got his ass handed to you, nice right hook by the way.”

Then the strangers RUDELY overhearing are like ‘Wth??? is this?? real?? did they actually fight two people?’

You did.

Oikawa posted it.

Semi Eita x Reader

((Grey haired babes hit different, y’know?)) 

he’ll just be >:|

I can’t say he’ll be mad at you, but more like, concerned that his face looks mad

The same with Akaashi, you’re waiting for him to lecture you, but he’s quiet when he’s...worried,,concerned

You got into a fight because some BIHS from another sports team talked shit about the volleyball team, SPECIFICALLY your boyfie (how convenient for the plot) 

You may be smol but you have HELLFIRE

“AYE WANNA SAY IT TO MY FACE MUTHA-”

Long story short,,, you may have won the battle, but you are unsure if the war will reign supreme, by war I mean you’re preparing for Semi’s scolding

Waiting in his dorm room, you played the soundtrack he made for you and patiently waited until he came back from practice

When HE DOES come from practice, he opened the door to see you sleeping on the floor, back against his bed and when he was going to quietly coo at how cute you look, he gets a closer look at the split lip and bruised knuckles

...You have...a tampon shoved up your nose? 

“Muse. Bubs.” He cups your cheek, then patting it gently. 

When you wake up, you jump back

“BUBs, beh, listen, I, may have done something to someone out of provocation and insults whereas I also defended not only myself-” You wince at he narrows his lovely eyes at you, peering for you to go on (omg you frickin simp)

“I have protected you and your team from their,, falsehoods”

(Why are you talking like that lmao)

He blinks once. twice. going to his bathroom, he gets the first aid kid he ALWAYS had to restock because his babes CANT STOP GETTING INTO FIGHTS so he can patch you up 

“I love you, but we can take their idiocy, it’s just your idiocy I’m worried about...” He continues on, then he starts to listen to the music you’re playing

you’re playing one of his playlists he made for you

specifically, “When I’m with You <3″

He becomes flustered and you wonder if HE’S okay 

“Sh-Shut up, stupid! Stop getting into fights!” 

[deltaengineering]

Fall Anime 2019 Part 2: Fanservice

Choujin Koukousei-tachi wa Isekai demo Yoyuu de Ikinuku you desu!

Here we go. We’ve had some isekai that wasn’t totally bad for one reason or another, but of course that couldn’t last. Choujin Koukousei-tachi wa Isekai demo Yoyuu de Ikinuku you desu, or Choyoyu if you want to be merciful, or High School Prodigies Have It Easy Even in Another World if you want spoilers, is so nakedly isekai that I’m actually kind of confused. You see, usually isekai is about some loser that gets transported somewhere where his mediocrity is overwhelmingly powerful. I don’t like it, but I get it. Choyoyu, on the other hand, is about a bunch of kids that are already hax and get transported to another world where they’re even more hax and also elf girls give them tongue kisses. Is this for people who are so emotionally fragile that they don’t even want to be reminded of how much they suck in their isekai power fantasies? Then again this is written by someone who also thinks that politicians (one of the kids is the prime minister of Japan... yeah) are supergeniuses, and that if you max out journalism, you prestige class to ninja. Yes, it is more or less comedic and so bizarre that it almost seems like an attempt at parody again, but lemme check something real quick...

Nah, I’m all out of benefits of the doubt and running low on fucks as well.

Azur Lane

So, Azur Lane then. I could tell you all about how it’s a gijinka thing about World War 2 warships, but then you’d say “isn’t that just Kantai Collection” and yes. Not to mention that Azur Lane seems to be more popular than Kancolle now, so either way this isn’t very surprising. So let’s just go over the differences: Azur Lane isn’t almost entirely Japanese ships, and there’s a three-way fight of Axis vs Allies vs Aliens going on. The upshot of this is that Azur Lane is mostly shipgirl(s) vs shipgirl(s) and not everyone vs mobs. And that’s it for the one difference that matters, apart from that it’s a bit more varied than the Kancolle anime was, but that just gives it an uneven tone that swings between Gochiusa-levels of fluffiness and lesbian twincest aircraft carrier villains hamming it up. Characters? We have several dozens of them, thanks for asking. If you play the game or stalk Danbooru/Pixiv religiously, you might even care about them. The (supremely silly) action is technically alright, but doesn’t reach the level of “impressive”, and of course it’s hard to follow with so many obligatory participants. I’d label this one “fans only” and even for them I’d assume it’s just decent at best.

Null Peta

This is a short about a child genius that misses her (dead?) sister so much she builds a robotic version of her. Several mishaps later and she’s stuck with something that most closely resembles Doraemon if Doraemon was all ara ara and also all mofu mofu (apart from when the spikes come out). As far as wacky children’s adventure comedy shenanigans go, this seems to be fairly agreeable, but where it really shines is how it looks. This season admittedly hasn’t had a real sakuga heavy hitter so far, but Null Peta comes the closest to one since it looks quite dope, especially for a weird random short. 5m/week and nothing too annoying make this one easy enough to follow up on.

Chuubyou Gekihatsu Boy

Here we have the example of an anime where I would admit that it’s pretty good at what it wants to be, but what it wants to be is just intolerable. This appears to be a reverse harem with the theme of all the boys having some shade of chuunibyou (if you gotta ask, you don’t want to know) going. I even like the protagonist girl, she’s likeable and shows a bit of personality when being exasperated at the gang of incredibly annoying idiots surrounding her. But that’s the problem: In particular “Red”, a genki runt with a sentai gimmick, is a show destroyer all on his own. The others aren’t quite as bad as him but I’d still accept maybe one of them per harem at most. It does alright in execution, visuals, timing and so on (DEEN’s “poor man’s SHAFT” team, cf. Meganebu, seems to be seeking a comeback), but you’d have to be embarrassingly thirsty for idiot dick to put up with this shit.

Val x Love

Just to prove that I am an equal-opportunity harem h8r, here’s a non-apparently non-reverse one and yes, it also sucks. Not only is it easily the cheapest looking show so far, it’s also reminiscent of the Conception school of harem setup: If you must know, Val x Love is about an ugly ogre of a dude whose lonely house is suddenly stuffed full of Val(kyrie)s (= 9 Japanese harem archetypes because, you know) by none other than Odin himself between cuts. He then has to fight some monsters by cuddling one of the Vals, which unlocks their super or something. Barebones, uninteresting and crappy looking, this one is a real stinker and should be of interest to nobody.

Fate Grand Order - Absolute Demonic Front Babylonia

It’s the seventh story arc of the hit mobile RPG Fate/grand order! How do I know? Because they talk about how they skipped the previous six ones, presumably because they’re boring. Or more boring, at least. It’s Fate, and I know an embarrassing amount of details about Fate (e.g. enough to know that the Rinclone that appears apropos of nothing is Ishtar), and I’ve even seen First Order (which sucked), but this stuff is impenetrable, yo. This iteration on F/go definitely doesn’t care for people who don’t play the game, rare as they may be, and at best you’re supposed to let the proper nouns wash over you and enjoy the spectacle. It’s just that it’s CloverWorks this time, and while an attempt was made, shit just blows up way gooder over at ufotable. So the spectacle is insufficiently spectacular, and Mash is still insufficiently moe. In the end this does nothing to change my opinion of F/go away from “functionally identical to every insipid homebrew Servant thread on /a/ ca. 2010, also Shiki can kill Servants, discuss″, and I ain’t watching 2 cours of that.

Mairimashita! Iruma-kun

Iruma-kun is a goodhearted boy whose scumbag parents sell him off to some demon, who then transports him to hell and enrolls him in demon school where demons try to step to him. Isekai and battle harem is my first suspicion, but not so fast! It’s not a light novel, and while the general gestalt of this setup might resemble a certain conical helix, this appears to merely be convergent evolution. In other words, it’s just a funny kid’s manga, and it’s not even bad for that. It’s colorful, moves at a decent clip and I was moderately amused by the antics of Midoriyaface trying to dodge the ol’ KILL BY DEMONS. It’s just that I also know that this is very much not for me, and while it’s better than say, eIDLIVE, I don’t think I want to stick around. Props where they are deserved, though.

[forasecondtherewedwon]

Hello! I am in love with everything you write. You’re so creative and you’re inspiring me to finally sit down and write something again. I love reading fics with flustered Peter and DAMN you deliver. I’m wondering if you could do a drabble with 23? :)

Hello, @sydzygy! Thank you for the prompt! Your message was so wonderful that I wish I could’ve gotten to it sooner! I have been writing this one for a while though… the end kinda kept getting further away until, whaddaya know, it’s over 5000 words. Plenty of flustered Peter AND flustered MJ though!

Thanks to you too, Anon! I saw the “please.” I appreciated the “please.” I made the fic NSFW.

Venus, ParkerPairing: Peter Parker x Michelle Jones (Spideychelle)Rating: E/NSFWWord count: 5602

23. “We bet and you lost, so you have to do it.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t intervene,” Peter hissed to Nedas they climbed the dune. “Some ‘guy in the chair’ you are.”

“I didn’t know he was going to make skinny-dipping thepunishment!” his best friend argued back. “How was I supposed to guess that,Peter?”

“You were supposed to stop it from happening in the firstplace!  You were supposed to make somekind of excuse on my behalf as soon as the words ���I bet Penis can’t do abackflip’ were out of his mouth! I can’t let people know I’m good at thatstuff! It would totally blow my cover! I had to throw it.”

“If I can make a suggestion,” Ned huffed as they neared thetop, brushing through tall spikes of grass; the navy skyline widened. “Youshould work on not reacting to peer pressure. I didn’t make you take the bait.”

Peter sighed.

“I know, he just bugs me. I’m so sick of being called―”

“PENIS! PEEEEENIS! HURRY UP, YOU FUCKING TURTLE!” Flashyelled from the beach. The beam of his flashlight made looping patterns on theground.

Exchanging a weary look, Peter and Ned crested the dune andtook long, uneven strides down the other side, sand pouring into the sides oftheir shoes.

“Flash, come on, man,” Peter tried as they approached hisnemesis. “This is stupid. It wasn’t a fair challenge. Nobody can do abackflip.”

The other boy was unrelenting, grinning in the moonlight.Ugh. Peter just wanted to go back to the campground where the decathlon teamwas set up and have another s’more. Get into his pajamas. Maybe talk to MJ nowthat Mr. Harrington had hit the hay and quit supervising their every move.

“We bet and you lost,” Flash reminded him mercilessly, “soyou have to do it.”

Peter glanced at the dark lake, slow waves licking the shorein a way that made him want to sleep rather than submerge his naked body intowater that was going to feel a hell of a lot colder now that the sun had gonedown.

“Don’t wimp out, Penis.”

The nickname startled Peter and he gave Flash a sharp look.

“You better not look.”

“Oh please,” Flash said, rolling his eyes. (Peter was alittle bit insulted.) “I only have eyes for one man, and that’s Spider-Man.”

Ned failed to muffle his abrupt chuckle and his best friendglared at him.

“Sorry,” Ned mouthed. Flash’s well-known crush on Spider-Manwas a touchy subject for Peter. Shockingly.

The three of them watched the water for a minute. The soundof it, washing in and out, was really peaceful. What a beautiful night to beutterly played by some jackass. Suddenly, there was the vibrating of a phone.It turned out to be Ned’s.

“Betty’s air mattress keeps deflating,” he informed Peter,eyes on the screen. “She asked if I could come help her.”

“Go ahead,” Peter allowed with a half-hearted smile. “Youdon’t need to stick around for this.”

“You should be thankful I’m such a nice guy and didn’tinsist on an audience,” Flash piped up.

Ned gave Peter a sympathetic look and traipsed back towardsthe dunes and the campground beyond. Flash, completely devoid of sympathy,clicked his flashlight off and on impatiently.

“Let’s goooo,” hecomplained.

Peter groaned.

“Fine, but turn around. I’ll yell once I’m in the water.”

“Sounds fair,” Flash agreed.

Of course it was fair―it was the one part of this horriblemisadventure that Peter’d had a say in. Wearily, he shed his clothes, droppedthem in a heap on the sand, and sprinted for the water. He wasn’t going to callback to Flash until he was submerged up to his neck.

\

MJ didn’t know who was where―as far as she was concerned,being the team’s captain for practices and tournaments didn’t translate intobeing their babysitter for field trips and retreats―just that she was alone.And she liked it that way.

The campfire scene had been pretty mellow until Abe haddecided to experiment with physical equilibrium by balancing their quarteredlogs of firewood, stacking them higher and higher, flames dancing upwards toengulf them. Yeah, that was a little too Lordof the Flies for how MJ wanted her weekend to go, so she’d left thewarnings and chastisement to Betty. (Ned had just shown up to potentially MacGyverher air mattress so the air would quit whistling out every time she laid downon it, leaving his girlfriend free to stop Abe from burning his eyebrows off.)

She’d wound through a thin barrier of trees to escape theglow of the fire and reach the valley of the path leading up between the dunes;now, MJ was scrambling upward, trying to keep her footing while also openingthe new app she’d installed on her phone before they’d left the city. It wassupposed to display the segment of sky currently over her position and map outwhich constellations should be visible to her. As she moved her phone around,the view would apparently shift, offering her information from horizon tohorizon, in any direction. Camp was just too bright and too sheltered to giveher the celestial panorama she craved.

Right when she lifted her gaze from her screen to check outthe vantage from the top of the dune, a blinding light swung across her face.

“Oh my god, this is perfect, here.”

It was Flash’s voice, but MJ could only see pitch black.Asshole had completely wrecked her night vision. What was working was her senseof touch, tested when Flash shoved something against her stomach and shegrasped it instinctively. He was already half-running, half-tripping past her,heading for their team’s campsite while MJ attempted to figure out what she washolding. Soft… lumpy… something that felt like denim?

She stuffed her phone into her pocket (she wouldn’t be ableto see the screen until her eyes adjusted all over again) and staggered generallydownwards, aiming for the soothing sounds of a beach post-nightfall.

After a considerable amount of blinking as she made everyeffort to improve her sight, MJ figured she was halfway across the beach,somewhere between dune and lake. She was sufficiently close to distinguish adark shape in the water. Quickly, she brought the bundle she’d been carrying toarm’s length and realized it was an entire set of clothes. Minus shoes, but MJalmost fell over one of those on her next step. Had Flash murdered someone outhere and tricked her into finding the body? What a shithead.

“MJ?!”

She flushed like she’d been caught. She also jumped a littleand something dropped limply onto her foot.

“Uh…” MJ called back to Peter, recognizing his voice and thepale circle of his face a little ways out in the water. “…hey, Parker. Why do Ihave your underwear?”

Stooping, she snatched up the item that had fallen and wavedit over her head like a flag of surrender. She’d spoken before she was certain,but one of the pieces of clothing was definitely jeans and, out of the cottonythings that remained, well, whatever she was flailing in the air was the onlyone with an elastic band.

She assumed Peter was crouching because the whole team hadbeen swimming earlier in the day and found the drop-off was a good 100 yardsout, but he confirmed it. With a sudden splash, he started to rise out of thewater and head in her direction. He sunk back down just as abruptly and MJsmiled to herself at his embarrassed laugh, lowering her arm. Excellent, she realizedshe could see now―maybe not far enough to view Peter in detail but, obviouslyshe wouldn’t want that. Why would she want that? She wouldn’t.

“I’m not sure,” he called to her, “but I could guess. I thought I left my clothes on the beach.Between that and you having them, well, that’s gotta be Flash.”

“That clears everything up,” she replied wryly, tossing hisclothes down with a plop and walking to the water’s edge. Amusingly, Petershrunk back a bit. “Let me recite that timeline back to you. First, you’re downhere with Flash. Second, you strip naked. Third, Flash blinds me and gives meyour clothes. You’re pretty smart, Peter. I think you’ll agree that storyleaves a few highly suspicious gaps.”

He groans loudly and MJ grins.

“Flash tricked me into trying to do a backflip, I lost a betwhen I couldn’t, and he has zerosense of human decency.”

“But you can do a backflip.” She was puzzled.

“What?”

“I’ve seen you do a backflip.”

“You have? When?”

Woops. The perils of being very observant. It wasn’t likeshe’d spied on Peter, she’d just forgotten something after decathlon practice afew weeks ago, gone back, and seen him flip off the stage in the auditorium. MJdidn’t know his gymnastic talents were a secret, exactly, she just hadn’tmentioned them to anyone because initiating conversations still wasn’t secondnature. If these abilities were asecret, she wasn’t protecting him on purpose. Definitely not.

“Uh, don’t remember,” she said, airily blowing him off. Shefrowned. “Aren’t you cold out there?”

She saw him shrug.

“It’s actually not that bad. I had my head under for aminute, which is probably when Flash booked it out of here with my clothes.” MJsnickered and didn’t reply. “Ok,” Peter said after a few seconds, “well, I’llsee you back at camp.”

She stiffened.

“I’m not your personal courier.”

“…What do you mean?”

“I mean I didn’t come down here to deliver your clothes,loser. I’m not leaving yet.”

“But I’m naked!” he yelped.

MJ’s body was just trying to keep her warm without theexternal help of the campfire. That was all this sudden surge of heat was.

“You know, I did actually comprehend that when I had yourboxers in my hand.” She glanced sideways where she’d set his clothes. “You maywant to shake them out before you put them back on, by the way, unless youenjoy sand in delicate places.”

She could practically hear Peter’s weary exhale, butsomething in MJ insisted that she not vacate the beach just because he told herto. This wasn’t his private property and he had no authority over her. Shewasn’t his to… to… Heat flooded her again, face to feet. Yes, this wasdefinitely just her irritation at being bossed around by Backflip Boy.

“When are youleaving?” he tried.

“When I’m done.”

His words sounded like resignation to her, so MJ began torelax again, the way she’d felt when she’d strolled out of camp on her own. That was weird. This calm was something she usually (always) experienced whentotally alone. But Peter was here. Peter was here and he was lazily swimmingcloser, toes probably creeping along the sandy floor of the shallows.

“So… why’d you come out here?”

MJ started to explain, then paused to fish the phone thatwas her alibi out of the pocket of her jean shorts.

“Trying to see the stars better. There’s too much light atcamp.”

“Oh yeah? Cool!” He propelled himself forward some more. Atonce, she was panicky, heart beating too fast. She concentrated on her phone,the screen mostly dark but for the points of light representing stars.

“I said ‘stars’ not ‘Star Wars,’ before you get tooexcited,” MJ warned sarcastically, not looking up.

“My interest in space goes beyond the fictional.”

She raised her head, readying a snarky reply that never came.Peter had his shoulders above the water now, arms out to the sides for balance.As she stared, he tipped his head back, rewetting his hair, then brought it upagain. Her fingers went slack around her phone and she had to catch it with herother hand.

“What were you trying to see specifically?” he asked, wipingwater away from his eyes as it ran down from his hair.

It was a struggle to compose herself, but she did it.

“Well, I sure wasn’t looking for Uranus.”

Peter huffed and stroked with his arms, sending himbackwards several feet. MJ was laughing.

“Peter, don’t. It was a joke. I can’t see anything.”

It took a long, careful stare before he drifted neareragain.

“I know,” he eventually conceded. “I know you can’t seeanything. The dark, the distance, the distortion of the water…” She wanted tocough the word ‘nerd,’ but she restrained herself. “But I’m vulnerable here,”Peter went on, gesturing at himself with both hands. “I can’t leave.”

“Do you want to?” MJ asked without thinking it over.

Peter met her eye.

“Do you?”

She swallowed and cocked her head stiffly, jerky with afluttering anxiousness. It wasn’t a dare, it wasn’t a bet (yeah, Peter’dprobably had enough of those for one night), and yet there was something aboutthe way he’d said it―those two words.

Maintaining eye contact, MJ sat in the sand. This was herstaying. She shuffled her feet out of her flip-flops and flicked them off tothe side, then stretched her legs straight out until her heels were in the lake.Peter was also in the lake. Everything was fine. She inhaled with precision.

Oh fuck, she could see his bare chest.

Abruptly, MJ lost ground on the confident who cares that you’re nude below thewaterline? thing, wimping out and turning her gaze decidedly downwards toher phone screen. She read the words ‘Ursa Minor’ a dozen times, but kept her back stiff like she was concentrating very hard, focusing on something desperately important.

It wasn’t sustainable, this tense effort to ignore Peter.She couldn’t do it at school when he was a dork in the marching band and shesure as hell couldn’t do it when he was bare-ass naked in a lake. Being underthe broad, dark sky was suddenly claustrophobic. MJ couldn’t breathe. Her facewas overly warm. She was going to be asphyxiated by her attraction to Peter.YES! FINE! She was attracted to him!

“Ursa Minor,” MJ mumbled to herself in the fanatical tone ofa madwoman. She was Mrs. Rochester on a beach. Now there was a woman who would’ve been entertained by aconstellation-identifying app, stuck up in the attic all that time. God, MJ wasspiralling. Brontё was her crazy place.

“I know some stuff,” Peter said from the water.

She braced herself for the sight and, yep, there was his wetskin, just glistening away in the moonlight. How dare he.

“I could show you,” he said.

MJ’s mind totally fuzzed on what Peter might be wanting toshow her. Lake Peter. After-dark Peter. Wet Peter. Her heart was bursting likea bagful of popcorn kernels, one eruption after the next.

“Constellations,” he explained, as though she hadn’tresponded because he hadn’t been clear, rather than because she’d gottensidetracked wondering about his sexual savoir-faire.

“How are you going to show me? I won’t be able to tell whatyou’re pointing at.”

“I could come out… but I’d wanna dry off before putting myclothes back on.”

“Yeah, no,” she said immediately. “There’s a time limit onhow long I can respectfully avert my eyes before I get bored standing there anddecide to walk back to camp.”

“You could come in,” Peter replied quietly.

“In… the water.” MJ shivered involuntarily.

“It’s not that cold, right?”

He pointed at where her feet were partially submerged. Shewanted to laugh if the water temperature was the reason he thought she’dshivered. Was Peter just going to pretend that the biggest issue with hissuggestion was the possibility of her getting chilly?

“So you’ll be a gentleman while I get undressed?”

Instantly, he flushed and gestured before his words couldcatch up. Only he didn’t say what MJ expected him to.

“That’s not very fair.”

She gave him a stern look.

“Why not? Sure, I’ve been sitting here with your clothes,but I didn’t watch you remove them. I didn’t stare at your naked body! Not mostof it,” she added under her breath, seeing as she’d been eyeing him in thewater all this time.

Peter glanced down quickly, grinning like he’d heard whatshe’d said.

“I’ll turn around,” he promised, glancing up withsuspiciously trustworthy eyes.

“No.”

“No?” he choked out.

“Just… cover your eyes,” she requested, getting to her feet.“Then I’ll be able to watch you and know you aren’t somehow ogling myreflection.”

“What if I peeked through my fingers?”

MJ laughed because she knew Peter Parker would do no suchthing.

“Then your guilty expression would betray you the second youdropped your hands.”

He chuckled to himself.

“Yeah, good point.”

“So… cover ‘em, Peter.”

She saw his mouth fall open slightly.

“We’re actually…”

“We’re actually,” MJ confirmed, grabbing the hem of hert-shirt. His eyes grew wider. “Chill. We’re just two nerds talking about astronomy.It’s not a big deal.”

She began to draw her shirt up her stomach slowly, givinghim plenty of warning, and he slapped his hands over his eyes, splashinghimself with lake water. Pausing for nerves, MJ saw Peter shift to regain hisbalance after lifting his arms. The disturbance swished his wet cover to andfro and when it settled, she could see more of his chest. Plus all of hisarms―raised as they were. Face hot, she wondered how long it would take to heata beach by starlight, if they could put a hold on the sun. Because the nightwouldn’t last forever, MJ quickly yanked off her shirt and chucked it on top ofPeter’s clothes.

Her gaze slid intently from the heap to the boy in thewater. He was diligently blocking her out, palms flat over his eyes and fingersstretched up his forehead into the front of his hair. Although she couldn’ttell right now, MJ knew it would curl aggressively as it dried, like it hadthis afternoon after everyone went for a dip together. She thought about it,thought about him, and stared straight at him too as she unbuttoned her shortsand shimmied her legs to shake them down to the sand.

Peter’s chest rose and fell as she watched, reacting tosomething. Must’ve been a ripple in the water, she figured. Something shecouldn’t see from here.

“You haven’t asked,” MJ noted, unclipping her bra. Pile.

“W-what should I ask?”

“If you can look yet. And I didn’t say you should.”

There was a pause, thick like wet sand.

“You’re surprised I’m not more impatient? Do you want me tobe?”

She’d need sunscreen to protect the rest of her exposed skinfrom the way her face seemed to be glowing, ready to sear. How he’d flipped herremark around on her… MJ hadn’t expected it. Another question he’d put to herbluntly that sounded so innocent. But it wasn’t, not really. This wasn’t themsussing out who wanted the last hamburger and was too afraid to be rude. Thiswas a more complicated politick of desire and it couldn’t all be questions andevasions; eventually, there would need to be blunt answers for Peter’s bluntquestions.

“Just an observation,” MJ muttered.

She removed her underwear carefully, keeping them away fromthe sand by lifting her feet high and maneuvering the leg holes swiftly anddexterously around her heels to preclude transfer. All she left on was theelastic in her hair.

“I’m… I’m coming into the water now.”

“I can hear you.”

Maybe her racing heart was drowning out the noise of herfeet, because all MJ heard were tinkling slaps, then gentle swooshing as thelake greeted her ankles, her shins, the tender backs of her knees. Peterrotated towards her as she got closer, she noticed, still covering his eyes.Wading past him, MJ flicked water at his head―a couple feet away when her armwas stretched all the way out to the side. They both laughed. She didn’t stopmoving through the water until it came up just above her breasts when she wasstanding, wetting more of her skin as she sunk down.

Despite attempting to ease the tension (she felt it, he mustbe feeling it), MJ’s heart was still banging hard enough that she expected tosee ripples racing away from her on the surface of the water. She glanced backat the beach, then at Peter. The air was still and the rest of the world seemedpeacefully distant, if not empty. She hopped from foot to foot on the sandylakebed, swaying pleasantly in a way that belied how uncontrolled she felt onthe inside, not just because of the weak current her motions were creating.

Peter dropped his hands and looked at her. MJ drew her armsinstinctively inward, treading water in front of her chest.

“I thought you would wait until I said you could open youreyes,” she told him, not actually upset.

“I figured you’d be… uh… covered by now.” He gestured at hershoulders, peeking above the surface like the curved backs of baby geese.“You’re tall, but you’re not thattall.”

“You figured oryou knew? Am I supposed to believe that you hadn’t already calculated the depthof the water compared to my height, and considered the distance from the beach?The length of my stride, maybe?”

“I just didn’t want to show off.” Peter shrugged, grinning alittle. “Make you feel vulnerable.”

“Oh, you mean like I did to you,” MJ joked.

Incredible. All it took for them to have a non-abusiveconversation was less light and fewer clothes. (No clothes.) There weren’t awealth of ways to replicate these conditions once they got home. There was oneway―one very specific way―but she hadto remember her own excuse for their behaviour: they were just two nerds with ashared interest in astronomy. Every step they’d taken since she’d descended tothe beach was motivated purely by logic.

Yeah, better not consider that intentional state of denialtoo closely.

“Let’s start easy,” Peter suggested.

He flowed towards her―smoother than walking on land, thoughhe did that with a weird gracefulness too―and MJ’s heart flipped end over end.She looked at his face too long after he’d extended his arm, pointing above them.

“The Little Dipper.”

“Ursa Minor,” she corrected. “Yeah, I’ve pretty much gotthat one down.”

Peter appeared blue in this light. Blue and soft anddreamlike, like he was going to take her hand and fly her to Mermaid Lagoon.Wait, wrong Peter.

“Well… hmm.”

His concentration shifted upward, high above the both ofthem. MJ’s remained fixed on his face and the way the moon and the lake ruledits bright places and its shadows; noticing him across a classroom or from theother end of the lunch table wasn’t the same as performing a close study of hisprofile from less than three feet away. The definition of his jaw was asurprise, with his head tilted back. It trapped a shadow beneath it, like aledge. As MJ dragged her eyes slowly down, she tried to discern the exact spotat which that darkness dissolved into the light bouncing up off the water,making his throat pale and vampiric. Or maybe she was the vampire. She certainlywanted to bite down on his skin with her teeth.

MJ yanked the elastic from her hair and shook her head,trying to clear it. Unfortunately, it was as ineffective as shaking a snowglobe and expecting to see through it more easily. She was hazy with Peter, whowas pointing to Venus, checking to make sure MJ was staring at the correctdazzling speck.

“That one?” she asked, squinting although the light sourcewas minute and far, far away. (God,she thought, don’t say that out loud. Notafter you told Peter this wasn’t about Star Wars.)

Peter angled his head in her direction, eyes still on thesky.

“No, the bright one.” Absently, it looked like, he glancedfrom her to Venus, attempting to establish a guiding line he could point along.“Down a little… I think.”

“You think?”

Honestly, MJ wasn’t putting too much effort into findinganything. Her priorities had changed. There were so many fewer opportunities tobe alone with Peter than there were stars visible from the state of New York.

“Just…”

Peter sighed and suddenly his hands came around from behindher, holding underneath her jaw like he was lifting a heavy chalice with bothhands. Like the Holy Grail or something. His thumbs pressed to its hinge, hisindex fingers resting against her cheeks. He directed her manually, helping herfind Venus. MJ was going to burn him. Her face was too hot.

“Do you see? Oh.”

He must’ve snapped out of his science-daze and realized howhe was touching her. How they never touched. They might’ve shaken hands once.(It was three times―she remembered.) Peter’s fingers sprang away from her skin,jack-in-the-box quick, but MJ grabbed his hands.

“I see,” she said, turning weightlessly in the water. Thewet ends of her hair stroked her back.

She let go of one of Peter’s hands and, miraculously, itlanded on the back of her neck. The pads of his fingers were pruney. The otherhand MJ kept, her arm crossing her body to maintain contact.

“It is a bigdeal,” he told her. She vaguely recalled stating the opposite, lying. “It is.”

Cautious, MJ leaned her upper body closer, led by her lips.Her gaze went from Peter’s mouth to his eyes, mouth to eyes, up and down, likeflipping a light switch on and off repeatedly. When her lips actually met his,it was strange. She was too aware of them, the texture. Then, MJ was aware ofherself, trembling. They broke the kiss.

Peter held her face again with both hands and she saw thathis expression was calm, the way that his eyelashes flapped lightly with hiseyelids half-lowered, brown eyes warm and deep, staring at her mouth. Beforeshe could take a breath or think anything through, she kissed him again,quickly.

Heat burned through her, a match dropped in a trail ofgasoline. MJ inhaled hard through her nose and pressed her mouth firmly toPeter’s as he slid his hand to the back of her neck; his thumb dug in next toher spine and it felt really good, like a massage.

Tentatively, their tongues touched and retreated. Then,Peter surged forward like he knew what he was doing and, hell, she wasconvinced, finding his shoulders and grabbing on. Having someone’s tongue inher mouth was decidedly more thrilling in practice than in theory. MJ felt herhead tilting more to the side, rocking forward and back, as her lips moved withPeter’s.

While the sand dipped and swished under her curling toes,his desire was her solid ground.

The second time they paused to breathe, MJ noticed she’dwrapped her arm over Peter’s shoulder, and that his hand had caressed downwardfrom her neck to her upper back.

“You wanna get out?” he panted. In the moonlight, she wascaught up in counting the freckles on his nose; they’d darkened and multipliedsince the decathlon team had arrived at the campground.

She could tell he was trying to figure out what the rightthing was, so that he could do it. Typical Peter.

“No.”

He raised hopeful eyebrows and MJ felt shy. Not because theywere slowly circling, hands on each other in perfectly appropriate places(though on each other’s naked bodies nonetheless), but because she was admitting,out loud, in one syllable, that she wanted him.

“I was right, wasn’t I?” Peter checked, head inclinedtowards hers. “Water’s not too cold.”

“You better not be peeing, Parker,” MJ threatened.

When he laughed in surprise, she threw her other arm behindhis neck and pulled herself close to him with a smirk on her mouth.

The kiss was softer than she’d intended. That was becauseher legs had rubbed against his underwater. It wasn’t just their knees bumping,which had been likely enough as they’d moved closer since they were bothcrouching slightly; the outer part of MJ’s thigh brushed along the inside ofPeter’s. The side of her slim calf encountered the solid curve of muscle inhis. It woke things in her, like the first spark catching on a crumpled pieceof newspaper when Mr. Harrington finally got the campfire going after insistinghe didn’t need a lighter (and being shocked and disappointed when Flash hadreadily produced one and offered it up to hurry the process).

MJ could tell Peter felt it too―not just her leg, the awakening. Which was really asuper clichéd and simplistic way to think about adolescent sexuality, particularly female sexuality, but yeah, it appeared that her relationship withher own passion was coming down to this. A moment with Peter Parker, floating between Venus and a shallow drop-off.

Peter’s hand swept down her back as he released a shakysigh; MJ felt as though she was waking up to find herself shuffling onto hislap, lifting her legs with sleepy slowness to hook them over his. They sanklower into the water together, chins briefly dipped.

“Hey, MJ,” he murmured.

She bit her lip.

“Peter,” she acknowledged.

This kiss was gentle on purpose, exploratory and calm enoughto slide through the surface of their pooled attraction without a ripple. Itdidn’t stir up anything more frantic, as her lips compressed steadily to his.Peter’s hand was secure on the small of her back, her arms loosely around hisshoulders. Their warm exhalations left the mildest currents in the air betweenthem.

He began to play absently with her hair, collecting it witha hand that skimmed behind her shoulders, then closed in a circle like a slackelastic. MJ smiled against his mouth and felt the little dimples of muscle inhis back when he moved his arm. Their tongues met again, but it was easy and incontrol. She thought about bobbing there all night with him and creeping totheir tents when the sky turned a thin, pale grey.

Then Peter had to go and shift his hand, allowing cool waterto touch the spot his palm had warmed on her lower back. Making her shiver.

MJ hadn’t known that about him, that such a tiny reactionwould cause him to respond like it’d been a seismic tremor, like she’d shakenthe ground beneath his feet, but when she moved, he moved. His mouth surgedagainst hers and he gathered her so close that her stomach was pressed upagainst his erection―her stomach and lower, legs splayed on his lap.

It was as sudden as an undertow and, fittingly, she didn’tknow which way was up. This, this had been lurking all that time she’d spentwatching Peter, this had been waiting for her while she was waiting for him. MJclung to it now (and to him) and couldn’t believe she’d spared him even onesecond to point at the sky. He wanted to show her Venus? Too late. She’d foundit for herself and, yeah, maybe it was more a Venus of the Greek goddessvariety, but Peter didn’t seem to be having any issue with that.

There was a wetness between them that wasn’t just the lake.Though the water worked against it, Peter and MJ―foreheads bumping lightly asthey closed their eyes and breathed hard―kept replenishing it, bodies grindingtogether out of sight below the dark, glassy surface. Her calves were tense asshe hung on to him.

All the external rubbing made MJ’s insides feel electric;maybe she was lighting up like a jellyfish, sonic blue. It certainly seemed toshock him when she drew in a demanding, shuddering breath and climaxed, handsclenching to fists behind his back, nails catching his skin.

“Oh my god,” he said, and she opened her eyes to thepleading scrunch of his forehead. A pair of eyes like lucky pennies in afountain. “Is it ok if I…?”

MJ smiled in satiated amusement and rocked her hips. Themotion urged an oversensitive wiggle out of her, until Peter’s hands held herfast, hugging her body to his. As his hips bucked, she instinctively nuzzledthe side of her face into his and scooped up a handful of water. He groaned hername and she felt immortal.

Lifting her hand, she slowly tipped the water out onto theback of Peter’s head. It rewet his hair and trickled along the back of hisneck. MJ parted her arms to give it a path between his shoulder blades and inthe meantime, Peter came. When his chin tucked over her shoulder, something hither hard in the heart. She hugged him back fiercely.

And they floated.

In the end, MJ got out first while Peter sat with his backto her in the shallow water, arms on his bent knees. She threw on her clotheswith her skin still wet (camp and the chance for a hot shower followed by dry pajamaswere close), then he did the same while she faced their lake.

Their hands had never touched each other anywhere beyondthose appropriate places, but their fingers linked as they climbed the dunesand they shared a shy, silent look over that little intimacy.

[staticscreenwriting]

Until we say goodbye || two

Warning! This multipart story takes place after the events of season 3. There’s huge spoilers already in the synopsis down below. I warned you.

Synopsis: (Y/N) Hargrove has to come to terms with the fact that her twin brother is dead and she had to watch him die, unable to do anything about it. There is something she can do for him now though and that’s keeping a promise. The promise to go back home to California. Together. In order to drive cross country and spread Billy’s ashes in a place where the Hargrove kids used to be happy, (Y/N) enlists the help of Steve Harrington. Steve Harrington who decides that it’s time to break out from his parents expectations and be the person he always wanted to be.

This time on “Until we say goodbye”: The teens stay at a quirky motel. Steve talks to mama Harrington and (Y/N) give us a look into her childhood.

(caution: mention of death, emotional abuse, slight mention of physical abuse, mention of alcohol // if you need me to tag any other possible triggers let me know)

One // 

Part 2 of ?

[additional note: I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.]

Help a girl out with a reblog, thank you ♥

And if we hit on troubled water

I’ll be the one to keep you warm and safe

And we’ll be carrying each other

Until we say goodbye on our dying day

A cool breeze is blowing past (Y/N) as she sits on edge of the old abandoned lifeguard tower, feet dangling in the air. She’s well aware of the fact that the wind is making a mess of her hair, leaving it a tangled mess. She doesn’t really give a shit though.

The beach is practically deserted except for her and the couple strolling by the shore, throwing sticks for their puppy every once in a while. They seem so happy, as if nothing matters but them and their dog and the ocean.

Her thoughts wander towards Pumpkin, the little Jack Russell puppy they adopted a few years ago when dad was dating this woman named Laura. Laura loved dogs and dad loved Laura and so when she moved in, so did Pumpkin.

(Y/N) loved that stupid dog, hell even Billy did. But like all good things in the Hargrove’s life, this one didn’t last very long either. Dad messed up his relationship with Laura and Laura was smart enough to get the fuck out and take Pumpkin with her. 

The thumping of boots against the wooden planks of the lifeguard tower, pulls (Y/N) back from her trip down memory lane. 

Billy plops down next to her, fumbling a cigarette from the pocket of his denim jacket and lighting it. He’s started smoking a few months ago, just after the twins 13th birthday. Dad was really mad when he found that first cigarette hole in the carpet of their room. 

“ Why are you here ? ‘s about to storm “ Billy mumbles around the cigarette dangling from the corner of his lips.

“ Dad’s being as asshole “ 

“ As per usual “ Billy scoffs, “ what happened ? “ 

“ He found out that I pierced my ears, said I look like a slut. “ 

The words still sting even now that she repeats them to her brother. (Y/N) doesn’t think it’s something a father should say, especially to his daughter. It’s just earrings, what’s the big deal ? 

It doesn’t make her a slut. Right ? 

“ What the fuck does he know. He still lives in 1971 with his ugly ass mustache“ Billy jokes, effectively getting a laugh from his twin sister. 

“ You know what the worst part is ? “ (Y/N) asks.

“ Hmm ? “ 

“ I think my ears might be infected. They burn like hell. “ 

“ Ya know what ? That’s your own damn fault. I told you using Galliano liqueur was not the best way to sanitize the needle. “ 

(Y/N) chuckles, nodding her head in agreement. “ Yeah, you were right, I admit it “.

“ Good. “ 

She turns to look at her brother. His hair is growing longer now, the curls sitting messily on his head reminding her of crashing waves during a thunderstorm.

Dad hates that Billy is growing his hair and and (Y/N) is fairly sure that’s part of the reason why Billy likes his hair so much. Everything that pisses off their dad is a good think in Billy’s book.

“ Still think you should’ve let me pierce one of your ears. Would’ve looked damn cool. “ she says, teasing smirk playing on her lips.

Billy shakes his head, curls bouncing from the motion. He’s mirroring her smirk though.

“ No fucking way. Never. “ 

(Y/N) finger plays with the tiny silver spike dangling from her ear as her eyes focus on the scenery passing by the window. There’s not a lot to see really, it’s almost pitch black outside. They’re on the road for about an hour and a half now but Steve keeps bringing up stopping.

He’s tired, (Y/N) can tell. Tired and still a bit freaked out by the whole situation.

“ So Terre Haute is coming up at I think we should see if we can find a place to stay the night, then stock up on food and gas tomorrow morning and drive through the entire day “.

Steve speaks up, more of a monologue than anything else. (Y/N) doesn’t mind how long the journey takes as long as they get to California in the end. She doesn’t mind stopping for the night. Doesn’t mind the occasional food or toilet breaks. Leaving Hawkins behind already feels liberating. 

Every mile they put between themselves and that fucking town feels like a weight lifted off her shoulder.

“ Alright, sounds good to me. We gotta find a cheap place though, I don’t have a lot of cash with me “.

“ S’alright I got it “ Steve exclaims.

“ I don’t need your charity, Harrington, “ (Y/N) snaps at him. Maybe it’s a Hargrove thing, being bad at accepting help from other people. From basically strangers.

For the biggest part of her life, (Y/N) only had Billy to depend on. Now that he’s gone it feels absolutely terrifying putting her trust in someone else.

“ Sorry I — that’s not what I meant. “ 

“ No, “ (Y/N) sighs “ I’m sorry for snapping. I know what you meant. It’s okay. “ 

There’s a thick awkward tension filling the car and (Y/N) absolutely hates it. 

“ Can I turn on the radio ? “ she asks motioning towards it. 

Steve nods in agreement. “ There should still be a mixtape in the player. “

With the push of a button the opening chords to Mötley Crües ‘Shout at the devil’ echo through the vehicle, making (Y/N) raise her eyebrows in surprise.

“ Steve Harrington, I did not expect you to listen to this kind of music “.

Steve just shrugs “ why not ? I like all kinds of music. “ 

“ Steve Harrington, Hawkins’ golden boy listening to the Devil’s music. That’s a surprise. “ 

“ Golden boy, “ Steve scoffs “ yeah right. I just about graduated High School. I didn’t get into college. I work at a video store and my own dad thinks I’m goddamn loser. “ 

“ You wanna talk about shitty dads ? Cause let me tell you, I’ll win that one. “ 

It’s quiet for a moment, before Steve clears his throat and speaks up again.

“ Can I ask you something ? “ 

“ Mmh “ 

“ What did they tell your dad happened ? Did they — did they really tell him that whole fire bullshit ? “ 

“ Yup. “ 

“ And he believed it ? “ 

(Y/N) nods. “ He did. He has no reason not to “.

The fire story. Authorities told Neil and elaborate story about how Billy died in a tragic accident in the big fire at Starcourt mall. Something about wrong place wrong time.

(Y/N) was there when they told him. Susan was crying hysterically. Max was — numb. Neil though. Neil didn’t even flinch. There was no sign of emotion. No sign of grieve. Nothing. Nothing at all.

“ I don’t think he gives a shit either, to be honest. “ 

“ That’s horrible. “ Steve exclaims.

“ That’s my dad for ya. “ 

Steve’s BMW rolls up to the parking lot of the Cardinal Inn Motel. It’s a small Motel complex and it looks like it’s seen better days. The walls are a dirty white, almost gray color and all doors are painted a bright red although most of the paint is chipping off. 

The kids enter the motel lobby, a small room decked out in all kinds of kitschy decor. There’s cross stitch art and paintings and decorative throw pillows. And all if it proudly features various images of a red cardinal bird. 

“ Welcome to the Cardinal Inn Motel. “ a chipper voice speaks up from behind the reception desk. “ I’m Ruth, how can I help ya ? “ 

Ruth is a plump little woman with a kind smile, round cheeks and extremely curly ginger hair. She looks more like a caricature than an actual person. Though (Y/N) thinks she fits this place perfectly. 

“ We would like twooo — ? “ Steve trails off and glances towards (Y/N) in question.

“ One “ 

“ — one room. With two beds though “. 

“ Oh sure sure. Let me see. It’s 32 $ for a night. “ Ruth says and opens a book, probably looking up which rooms are occupied and which rooms are free. She walks towards a board holding a lot of keys and takes one of handing it to Steve.

“ This is your room key, It’s number 44. When you step outside, the room is located in the building to your right. It’s on the first floor, first door once you walk up the stairs. I would have to ask for a down payment though. Just in case. “ 

Steve hastily pulls out a bundle of cash from his jeans, counting the right amount and handing it to Ruth. “ That’s the entire amount, we’re only staying for one night “.

“ Very well then. I hope you have a pleasant stay at the Cardinal Inn. “ Ruth chirps almost like a bird herself.

“ Thanks “ Steve says and walks towards the door.

(Y/N) stays rooted though, eyes wandering around the room from one red bird to the next to the next. 

“ Hey Ruth, “ she chimes up.

“ Yes, dear ? “ 

“ What’s with the birds ? “

“ Oh the cardinal ? That’s Indiana’s state bird. “ 

“ They’re funky looking little guys, huh ? “ 

“ Truly. They’re also very interesting. If you want to learn about them, they’re an informational brochure in every room. “ 

(Y/N) gives Ruth a soft smile then rushes after Steve, out into the chilly night air.

“ Knight Rider, really Harrington ? “ 

Steve sits up from his slumped position on the bed as (Y/N) comes back from the bathroom, freshly showered and dressed in her pyjamas. A choice of pyjamas she thoroughly regrets now as the cool air inside the motel room hits the skin of her legs. 

She’s dressed in a pair of short red pj pants and one of Billy’s old band shirts. One she’s stolen from his closet after — the incident. It smells like him. Makes her feel like he’s still there.

“ What, It’s good. “ 

“ It’s so stupid. It’s a talking car. “ 

“ Okay, whatever. You keep on hating but I tell you this show is gonna last forever and it’s gonna win all the awards. Trust me. “ 

“ Mmmh. Sure. Shower’s yours. “ 

Steve gathers some of his stuff from his duffle bag and moves towards the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

As she is left alone in the room, the gravity of it all comes crashing down on (Y/N). This is it. That trip she wanted to go on with Billy. That trip they had fantasized about since the moment they left California. 

Now it’s happening but it doesn’t feel right. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. With Billy in a thermos. With Billy — dead.

The room suddenly feels too small. Like the walls are gonna close in on her any second now. She needs air. Fresh air. Needs to get out of here. Now. Now.

So she does.

Slips on her shoes and the room key and dashes out through the door and into the night. It’s cold. Way too cold for the amount of clothing she’s wearing or not wearing depending on how you see it. 

For a while all she does is walk up and down the road, wishing she had remembered to take her pack of smokes with her. 

When it gets too cold though, she spots a neon sign in one of the windows of the Lobby building. “Souvenirs”.

She wonders if all of those souvenirs have red birds on them.

They don’t. Most of them do, but not all of them. A lot of them display what she can only assume are important buildings of  the city of Terre Haute, Indiana.

(Y/N) remembers the few trips she used to take with her mom and Billy, when they were just little kids. Mom loved to take them to the little quirky little towns across the coast and the kids loved exploring them. Billy always got a postcard, from every single place. (Y/N) got keychains. She still has a box of them stuffed beneath her bed at home. 

Her eyes wander around the room before they fall onto a display of all kinds of different postcards. Most of them, as expected, have birds on them. Though there’s one that doesn’t. It says “Terre Haute” in big bold letters. It reminds her of the ones Billy used to get from those coastal towns. 

Greetings from … the few happy childhood memories she can remember.

(Y/N) takes the card over towards the reception, where Ruth greets her with another of her signature Ruth smiles. Kind and warm.

“ Hi, dear. “ 

“ Hi uh — I want to buy this postcard. I can’t find a price though, ah shit I left my money up in the room let me just — “ 

Before she can hurry towards her room though, Ruth stops her.

“ It’s okay, Darling. You can have it for free. “

“ Oh no, I —  “

“ Please. You asked about the birds that pretty much the most anyone has cared about this place in a while. Take it. I want you to have it. “ 

It’s kinda sad, (Y/N) thinks. That her just asking about those silly birds made Ruth this happy. That people pay so little attention to her adorably little bird room.

“ Thank you, Ruth. That is very sweet of you. And this place is adorable. “ 

“ Thank you, dear. Do you need a stamp for that ? “

(Y/N) sighs “ No. No I don’t. “ 

The Bean is a little diner at the edge of town looking out onto the Wabash River. It’s emitting a perpetual smell of coffee and waffles and breakfast food.

Steve is munching down an entire plate of eggs and bacon. Oh to have the metabolism of a teenage boy.

(Y/N) takes another sip of her black coffee, hoping that the caffeine is gonna help keep her awake and not get too tired during their drive. After all they plan on being on the road for the entire day.

The pancakes on her plate are long forgotten. She hasn’t really been feeling like eating since it all happened. It’s like she’s acting on power saving mode. Always tired. Always sad. Always working on half speed.

“ You should eat something. You need it. “ Steve remarks.

“ Are you flirting with me ? ” 

“ I uh — what ? “ 

“ Male cardinals feed females as part of their courtship ritual. A female’s partner bears total responsibility for satisfying her dietary needs. “ 

“ How do you know this ?  “

(Y/N) smiles and takes another sip of coffee “ my friend Ruth recommended me some interesting reading material “.

She doesn’t mention that the nightmares didn’t allow her much sleep and that she spent most of the night staying up reading the informational magazine. There’s things Steve just doesn’t need to know.

“ Alriiiight. “ Steve exclaims, eyebrows raised “ Hey, what’s that. You gonna send a card home ? “ he asks and motions towards the postcard she’d been scribbling on while he had been ordering their food.

“ Nah. Not really. This one’s for someone else “.

“ Alright … hey uh. I think I should call my parents “ 

She looks up from her cup at Steve’s words. This can’t be happening. She can’t go back home now. He can’t bail on her.

“ Harrington “ 

“ Don’t look at me like that, I’m not turning around and crawling back home. I just don’t want my mom to worry. I need her to know I’m safe. “ 

That’s right, Steve has a mom too, not just an asshole dad. A mom who cared and who worries and who loves. God it’s been so long since (Y/N) had one of those.

“ Okay, yeah. But um — can you not mention my name. I don’t want any news to get to my dad. “ 

“ Of course. Yeah, no worries.“ 

“ Thanks “.

Despite what Billy always said about him, Steve seems to be an alright guy after all. His hair’s ridiculous though.

It rings once, twice, three times before someone picks up.

“ Hello ? “

“ Mom, it’s me. “ 

“ Oh god Steve. Honey where are you I’m worried sick “. 

That sends a little pang to his heart. His mother is a nice lady, she loves him deeply and she doesn’t deserve for him to worry her like that. But this is something Steve has to do, if not for (Y/N) then for himself. 

“ I’m alright mom. I’m taking a friend on a — uh a roadtrip. “ 

“ A roadtrip ?” 

“ Yea. To uh — “ his mind wanders to Billy. “ We’re going to help her brother “.

“ Okay, well are you alright ? “

No. He hasn’t been alright in a long time. Since 1983 to be completely honest.

Maybe this trip is just what he needs. A way out. An escape. 

Steve leans his head against the payphone, taking a deep breath.

“ I don’t know, mom. But I’m safe and I need to just — just get away. “ 

“ Is this because of what happened with the Holland girl ? Or the mall ?“ 

Yes. All of it. If only she knew.

“ It’s just a lot lately. Can you just trust me in this, mom. That I’m doing what’s best for me ? “ 

His mother hesitates for a moment before clearing her throat.

“ Of course I do, sweet boy. But I am a mom and I do worry. I always will. “

It warms his heart. To know someone does care and someone does love him, no matter how much he messes up.

“ I know. I love you and I’ll be back soon. I promise. I just need to do this, for me.“ 

“ Be safe, Steve “ 

“ I will. “ 

Before he hangs up he can just about make out his father’s voice in the background, asking if “that’s him” and “what’s he messed up this time ? “

And it once again becomes crystal clear why getting on the road with (Y/N) is the best decision he’s made in a long time.

He walks back over to her, as she leans against his car chewing some bright pink bubble gum.

“ You ready to head out ? “

“ Yup. Your parents mad ? “

“ No. Surprisingly not. Mom just wants me to be safe. “ 

“ Aw little Stevie. How adorable. Anyway let’s go. “

As they both settle back in their seats, Steve slides the signature dark shades back onto his nose and turns towards (Y/N). 

“ Sooo, snacks ? “ 

“ Snacks “ she nods and throws him one of her signature smirks “ definitely need some twizzlers to survive this trip “.

 “ Happy Birthday to me “ a freshly 9 year old (Y/N) mumbles as she buries her feet in the warm sand. It’s almost time for the sun to set behind the horizon and color the sky in beautiful shades of reds and pinks and oranges.

For the last 8 years this has been a moment she has shared with her mom. Every birthday the two of them would come down to the beach and watch the sunset. Just them two.

Billy had the morning to spend alone with mom, going to the beach to catch some waves, and (Y/N) got to have the evening. 

They’d sit and talk for hours and hours and hours. About everything. The silliest things.

This year she hasn’t so much as called. As if neither (Y/N) nor Billy ever existed in her life.

Billy’s been grumpy all day, refusing to spend time with his sister and deciding to go hang out with some of those stupid boys from the neighbourhood that always call (Y/N) dumb names.

(Y/N) watches the sun lower itself as if to drown the light in the dark water of the ocean, when a little plastic bag lands next to her. Just a moment later Billy drops down onto the ground too.

“ Got you some candy. Twizzlers, your favorite “ 

“ Did you steal them ? “ 

“ No, dingus. I bought them with my own money. “ 

“ Good. Means I don’t have to feel guilty when eating them. “ 

It’s silent for a moment as they sit beside each other, watching the sunset.

“ Hey I’m sorry “ Billy whispers, as if speaking any louder would mean destroying the magic of the moment.

“ It’s okay. You’re sad. I’m sad too. “ 

“ I’m not sad “ he claims “ I’m angry. So angry. “ 

“ You can be sad and angry at the same time. They’re not mutually exclusive. “ 

“ Stop using big words. “ 

“ Sorry. “ 

Billy takes a big breath “ I’ve decide “ he exclaims “ that from this moment on I’ll missing her. If she doesn’t want to come home, doesn’t want to see us. Screw her. I don’t need her and neither do you. “ 

(Y/N) knows that’s absolute bullshit but she also knows that Billy has a certain way of coping with loss and sadness and maybe she doesn’t share his ways or understand them fully but she can respect them if it means he’s less angry and less sad.

“ Okay. “ 

“ We don’t need her because we have each other “ he says, placing his hand on hers “ right ? “

In that moment, little (Y/N) knows that whatever the world is gonna throw her way, it’s only half as bad with her twin brother by her side.

“ Of course. Always “ 

If only they had known how terribly short ‘always’ would turn out to be.

_________

tags:

@sargent-barnes // 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

weird to think back on things like the funky experience of being The All A’s/B’s gang and then The All A’s person during middle school and the Smart Kid designation cuz we all have a godawful time within the k-12 education system and also in Higher Education / academia as well and the setup isn’t like, good for anyone though natch between the “lack of attention / occasional positive attention” and “frequent / negative attention” ends of the experience the former is preferable; apparently weird to have been Good Student passing b/c again idk i have good retention and could memorize shit in homeroom for a quiz that day and that was great b/c actually i had godawful / nonexistent study habits and actually basically hated school and did anything last minute and all but like whatever, i could figure out / understand and remember shit more efficiently / faster than usual so like, idk, i’d get wild results ig. and anyways yeah Smart Kid throughout all of k-12 but like, although i don’t think i’m Not smart in any way, it’s like, but no i hated school and never really tried, that inferred correlation wasn’t there but like also there’s the weird Presumed Identity for you. and it Was weird b/c idk i was like, okay? “perpetually nebulous / imprecise / uncertain sense of identity” gang out here and i’m like hmm okay Am i “the good grades getter?” and then apparently you are cuz like welp that’s the Expectation, and also in my case i was also in the “oops let’s minimize ptsd party” gang of Gotta Get As/Bs motivation..............the point is like, it’s funny how despite that concept of what The A’s Getter is, by now i’m like oh but that’s not even like, my Main Thing, much less my Whole thing. my main thing is that i get wildly interested and passionate about stuff and when i’m really about shit i’m So about it and into it and all that yknow. and it’s like, would be cool if i hadn’t had to like, first fight past this arbitrary Assigned Box to even start to figure out what i’m Really like. but Schools aren’t out here about like allowing for people to be varied individuals and shit. plus, weirdly i’m not sure if i hadn’t had that “Positive” Label to supplant any others that my autistic ass would’ve been largely left alone as much as it generally was............even I didn’t get through middle school w/o some light bullying peppered in there but hey for the most part i got by. and like, i remember 15 was a time for a wild Agonizing Spike cuz that was the point i was having to try to settle on a college major and i was like bitch i don’t know!!! for starters how is every 19 / 20 y.o supposed to know!!! but like litchrelly a year and a half ago my ass was in middle school and barely had any opportunities to individually choose what to pursue, and even if i Had an interest i would sometimes assume if it didn’t seem like The Smart Kid choice i would just assume that like, my interest would only be Allowed to go so far. so yeah i’m 14-15 for the first time having a little breathing room and allowed to pick out my own shit and investigate various stuff (cuz of the luck of getting to live on campus aka parents are Not around and i can be around for more than just Classes) and yet like, that wasn’t enough time to suddenly Fully Realize The Whole Of My Own Identity And What My Actual Passions And Life Goals And Etc Are. plus i kinda remember that i figured i’d flunk out and so was kinda Not spending freshman year expecting to actually be able to do this college thing.....so yeah i always distinctly remember the Stress of sophomore year with this Timer counting down of “gotta declare a major oh god” and trying somehow to Realize What I’m Even Like (i did partially lmao outside of the Academic aspect of it) and obviously like, that’s a Lot.......................plus it was kind of doomed anyways cuz i do remember that when i even mentioned the fact of like “hey what if i majored in ______ [cuz i’m evidently actually like thinking social issues are what i’m thinking i could dedicate my attention to, i’m 15 idk trying to figure this shit out]” and it got immediately brushed off cuz of my mom’s assumptions about what i was like based on my being Smart(tm) and my not wanting to tell my parents about anything Actually about myself by that point so that was like..........well cool to know that that’s not an option for me anymore thanks to immediate dismissal........................like i totally remember that by sophomore year i was def Swiss Idol and “i don’t have a clue what to major in” was a big part of that 9_9...............and like, doing college early is kinda crazy but also Not having high school to mayyyybe figure things out for a bit before hurtling towards Declare Major at 92384 mph is like, would it have helped? who can say. but for example, i know Now i’m a theatre gay, and the limited number of friends-ish i made at college was basically all theatre gays what a surprise, but i myself didn’t ever touch that because i had No direct experience with it, because middle school didn’t have that extracurricular, and then being dropped into hs with people who did? i was like fuck i’m not auditioning for shit i really don’t know how to do. i’m not even Supposed To Be Here goddamn!! i can karaoke avpm in the first floor lounge that’s IT!! fuckin r.i.p. but i mean also i Know high school is it’s own fuckin mess that’s hardly like “flourish as individuals!!” all a sudden. like how i don’t know if i’d’ve been “solid B’s” gang if i would’ve had more room to just figure out my own shit earlier, or if things would’ve been even More miserable cuz of my replacement Type being something more frowned upon cuz weird loser was def waiting in the wings............and then of course Smart Kid expectation constraints wasn’t hardly the only issue in holding back that “oh wait but what am i like *Actually*” process cuz if i was in high school i would’ve been around my parents every day and That was just as much if not more a hindrance in figuring myself out. like going to college may have been useful in that yes i did learn shit but if nothing else i am glad for it b/c the strides i made in “god damn i have to get away from these people (my parents lmfao)” and knowing at least that i’m not Like what THEY thought i was like was E ssen tial Knowledge..........but anyhow like the point of looking back on this shit isn’t to figure out How To Have Run The Perfect Course cuz obviously what’s the point in imagining as broad a what-if, but it’s good for Understanding shit currently..........like oh yeah this crap probably Affected me!! and you gotta know the history to understand the present...............it’s just really wild how like, Passion and (rarely activated) Energy And Intense Interest is like, what i consider my Thing now, and that was like. not what i ever heard anyone else tell me that’s what i’m Like, like, ever basically. i mean not that i don’t think i’m Not smart. it’s just like, not my whole thing and it just kinda feels more incidental, right. What If the whole time i’d been able to pursue whatever i felt like is a wiiiiiiiild question i don’t even know. there’s been so Little of that that’s its absolutely off the shits to be able to put together “oh right i’ve been a theatre gay all along” and “actually i Have performed on stage a decent number of times and supremely thrived in those experiences and i Know i was interested cuz i wished like (@ my family: dni)” and have this very simple (and thus far unusable) Knowledge about something i actually like and am interested in, cuz for the most part it’s [??? ?? ? ?? ???]

on a shorter but related note: the Camaraderie i feel with everyone in the “either has or wants to or would even seriously consider Cutting Ties with parent/s" gang and like, always very Interested in the various experiences within this v broad category. cuz there are so many factors playing into Why you’re in this group and then there’s so many factors in regards to whether someone actually feels able to ditch a ‘rent or two, and then beyond that, all the factors in whether someone’s actually able to............like, knowing that it’s never “lucky” to have to be in this group in the first place, i fairly am Lucky about it in many ways cuz, first of all, lucky to have been able to actually execute [eff off from parents] maneuver, and lucky to get to Know that’s what i totally needed to do........we are all Valide in how we try to deal with relations w/ parents that are so bad you even have to think about “maybe i have to Not Have This Person In My Life At All” and like, when people are dealing with that but Don’t feel they have the option to truly cut that parent or two out of their life, that’s like, well as someone who once felt that way and can Empathize and yet also had these Factors Line Up which let me peace out which aren’t factors that are in play for everyone (as well as a lack of other factors which Are relevant for others and which might mean Leaving Behind Parent/s 5eva isn’t an option they’d consider) it’s like Oh wow, let me hear more about that experience. tldr the camaraderie

oh and ps. it’s funny how like, in my post-being-in-school life, i thiiiiiiiink people usually probably assume i’m Kinda Dumb if anything. cuz the Grades don’t exist anymore but i’m still autistic!!!!! which is another wild factor in thinking about like “well what if [some aspect of my life] had been entirely different, hmmm” cuz it’s like. well i’d’ve still been autistic lmao..............the Social shit has like, been an issue even before the other usual shit in school cuz i Knew i wasn’t fitting in at preschool when all we were doing was like, learning colors and going outside. and it always was a bit distressing to me Never really having more than a couple friends and even then not that close or anything, right? and also how i’d try to Fix this with various strategies and trying out different situations like “oh well i’m not putting myself out there i’ll put myself out there” [tries it and it half-backfires] or “well if i’m spending a weekend with people who know me from Online they’re gonna like me for sure” [majority of ppl in a sub Friend Group i’m peripheral to and i’m intermittently stressed the whole time] “Ah Fuck” lmao and honestly only recently am i like oh right..............when you’re autistic socializing just in a very fundamental way is really like That*.................(*a way i can’t easily explain lmao)............like really just in mad recent times kind of realizing like, oh, okay, i don’t think i can ever Adjust My Approach and just suddenly become good at Easily Makes Friends and that kind of shit..............finally just kinda realizing like ohh right okay i really just do Not do “normal good conversation” like you’re supposed to and that’s just chill The Way It Is not necessarily “not good enough at it” way but It Just Is Different way like........yeah it can be Not Pointless to try to modify your social approach and that’s true for absolutely anyone, but like say, if i’m like oh if i simply get Better at [social interaction task] i will then finally be Good at it, it’s like, shit well that’s honestly just not how it works for me. like, #getting how after a point it’s like “okay learning to do [task] in a way that’s more [like this] is maybe gonna be better for Masking / seeming allistic but like, not for Actually giving me a social experience that’s more fulfilling for Me.” Plus, it’s like, i’m also way more (or okay at least As Much) socially limited by external factors, probably. 

pps oh and also, tangentially related b/c Autistique, it’s wild how every time you delve into (something At All specific about autism) you’ll probably learn something Utterly new about autism which is like god damn this isn’t That niche why haven’t i heard this!! why do i have to know there are 538 other would-be “i should already know this” revelations waiting for me about this topic cuz you have to manage to dig up this stuff on your own and dodge all the unhelpful bullshit types of sites where it’s Not about info from people / for people who are autistic? please. it’s almost like this is a constant and important part of my identity that affects p much every aspect of my life and is helpful to hear others’ info about the collective experience of it b/c like, it’s literally all in your own head and you can’t just somehow Know the ways you’re different in that realm just from emergent traits you can pick up on and figure out. ugh!!!! anyways

this is LONG but NO readmore b/c eh. who am i if not [i hope everyone hates my blog this week.jpg] every week

[marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer]

MTVS Epic Rewatch #167

BTVS 6x15 As You Were

Stray thoughts

1) Don’t you hate those loser guys who are working the same job as you are and yet they still believe they’re better than you? I hate them with the firey passion of a thousand suns. Pretentious twats.

TODD: You see, Buffy, the thing you gotta learn about the Palace, and this takes a while, is that job security all boils down to one simple thing. Politics.  Now, I'm not a political animal, but you learn fast around here or it's wham! Hello, glass ceiling. I mean, it's not like we work at Burger World, or the Happy Bun, where the power structure is simple. No, here at the Palace, you gotta keep your friends close, but your enemies? Closer. It's like Machiavelli says. You know Machiavelli, right?

BUFFY: Tall guy, bleached mullet, works day shifts? TODD: I'm sorry. My bad. I keep forgetting you dropped out of college. BUFFY: I'm reapplying. TODD: Good luck with that. Well, gotta motor! Don't wanna be late for night school. BUFFY: You go to night school? TODD: I'm working on my MBA. Think I wanna spend the rest of my life cleaning grease traps?

2) Now, this truly was a low point…

VAMP: What's that smell? Geez, Slayer, is that you? BUFFY: I've been working! VAMP: Where, in a slaughterhouse?! BUFFY: Double Meat Palace. VAMP: Ohhh. You know what? Let's just call it a night. If it's all the same to you, and you've been eating that stuff, I'm not so sure I wanna bite you. BUFFY: You're dead! You smell like it! How do you get to say I'm the one who's stinky? VAMP: Really, it's, it's cool, I'll just catch you next time.

A vampire walking away from you because of how awful you smell? That must hurt… It’s no surprise she needed a little comfort after that...

3) Low point, meet lower point...

BUFFY: Oh, for Pete's sake. Spike?

SPIKE: Ah, it's a fair cop, you caught me, Slayer. However, in all honesty, I think we have to say this one doesn't count. After all, I wasn't exactly hiding.

BUFFY: No, Spike. SPIKE: No? What kind of answer is that, you haven't even heard the question yet. BUFFY: I don't have to. We both know what you're thinking. SPIKE: And we both know... that I'm not the only one thinking it.

BUFFY: No! Not here.

And yet...

The writers really wanted to make a point of how this was their dynamic as a couple (or whatever they were), with Spike always pushing, Buffy always saying no and yet eventually giving in. Of course, the situation was quite different when she said no and really meant it. But there’s no need to get ahead.

4) Oh, we get it, the sex was rough.

DAWN: Rough night? BUFFY: The usual.

WILLOW: Hey, workin' lady. Rough night? BUFFY: Why does everybody keep asking me that?

DAWN: Some vamp get rough with you? BUFFY: He's not getting any gentler.

5) Look, even if you find Dawn annoying, you gotta admit that her being the biggest Tara/Willow shipper is the cutest (and enough reason to love her a little, okay? so please try and love her a little?) And Willow is actually acting so mature about the whole thing, so much progress for her!

DAWN: Big wedding coming up... lots of date possibilities... you and Tara are speaking again. You wanna call her? Invite her over? WILLOW: Oh, no. Too soon for so bold a maneuver. But if I did call? She wouldn't hang up on me. DAWN: That's progress! WILLOW:  Hence the happy.

6) Poor Buffy…

Was she really ready to go back to college at this point, though? 

7)

Riley: *shows up* Me:

I’m mostly kidding, though. I don’t really mind him in this episode, and his presence gave Buffy the much-needed perspective to try and get her shit together.

8) Iconic!

RILEY: I want to explain, I just don't have time. I've been up for 48 hours straight tracking something bad, and now it's come to Sunnydale.

9) I get why she left with him. Buffy was in her prime while she was dating Riley, and she had been feeling like shit for so long she’d almost forgotten what it felt to be great and heroic, to just feel good. She’s so excited to leave the Doublemeat Palace because she’s probably reading into what Riley is proposing as her chance to get her fire back, to go back to her glory days.

This crappy screenshot doesn’t do justice to her facial expression, but she looks hopeful and nervous and excited. She’s feeling something other than numbness, and I’m kinda happy for her, even if it was because of Riley.

10) I love the joke, but at the same it made me wonder... didn’t Riley keep in touch with Xander or anyone? Or didn’t he keep track of Buffy from the shadows? Didn’t he know she’d died? Did no one bother to try and tell him? I mean, Willow traveled to L.A. to tell Angel, but Buffy’s “love” during season 5 was Riley... (this only proves my theory that not even the characters cared about him, but in real life, no matter how bland and boring Riley was, someone would’ve told him his former girlfriend had passed away.)

RILEY: I hear ya. Got some, uh ... big stories to tell you to. If we ever get half a second. BUFFY: Did you die? RILEY: No. BUFFY: I'm gonna win

11) So, anyone else thinks Riley omitted mentioning he was married on purpose? They were hanging out for quite a while before his wife showed up…

12) This reminds of Buffy in the Prom.

ANYA: No! I've been through too much planning this wedding, and it is going to happen. It is going to be our perfect, perfect day if I have to kill every one of our guests and half this town to do it.

13) Yeah, that face… he was keeping quiet about his marriage for a reason…

14) This is how you do BFing.

WILLOW: Just so you know? I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want. BUFFY: Thanks, but no. I don't wanna seem all petty. WILLOW: Well, that's the beauty! You can't, but I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for the both of us.

15) Yes, I’m Willow.

Xander: *compliments Sam*

Wilow:

16) Come on, can we really believe that the guy who couldn’t even kill himself right was behind this international scheme? Because I can’t.

BUFFY: So, demon eggs. Any timetable on when they're gonna hatch? RILEY: Hatching's not the problem. SAM: We think they're gonna be sold on the black market. There are some foreign military powers that would love to have their own Suvolte. You could never train it, but drop it on an urban population... RILEY: And it cleanses the area. DAWN: Is that a nice way of saying it kills people? SAM: Lots of 'em. Money's been exchanged. There's a dealer in town, calls himself The Doctor.

17) Buffy was kind of oblivious about how obsessed Riley had been about her.

SAM: Maybe not for you. I gotta tell you, Buffy, I'm a little bit intimidated. I mean, patrolling with the real live Slayer, you're like... Santa Claus, or Buddha, or something. BUFFY: Fat and jolly? SAM: Legendary. And it's not just slayer status I'm talking about. It's you. BUFFY: Riley talks about me? SAM: He didn't say anything for a long time, but I could tell. He was ripped up inside.

That sounds about right.

18) And of course, she goes to Spike. I mean, she was feeling like crap, and even though being with Spike would make her feel like crap afterwards, it was a quick fix to make her forget how shitty her life was and to make her feel loved and cherished and also powerful.

BUFFY: Tell me you love me. SPIKE: I love you. You know I do.

BUFFY: Tell me you want me. SPIKE: I always want you. In point of fact- BUFFY: Shut up.

And it’s all very clinical, there’s no passion or heat or desire.

19) And then...

Spike was such an idiot, though, mostly because he’s a fucking vampire and he can’t help but be self-involved and apathetic. Like, he cared more about gloating about how he’d gotten Riley’s girl more than about how Buffy was feeling while she was sitting right next to him, embarrassed and humiliated.

20) Okay, this is why, in my opinion, it didn’t make sense for Spike to be the Doctor.

BUFFY: Look, the Doctor, it can't be Spike. SPIKE: No need to defend me, luv.

BUFFY: Look, it can't be, okay? He-he's too incompetent. It's just Spike, Riley. RILEY: Right. Deadly... amoral... opportunistic. Or have you forgotten?

I’m not saying Riley was wrong in his description of Spike. He was completely right. “Deadly, amoral, opportunistic” describes Spike to a tee. But he doesn’t have the kind of smarts necessary to come up with and carry out this type of scheme. He lacks the ability to actually follow-through with stuff. He’s impatient and reckless. He doesn’t think long-term. And even though he is opportunistic, he’s more the “steal the change from the tray”-“go shopping at the dump”-”get a kitten loan to play kitten poker” kind of opportunistic. He really never thinks or plans large scale. His mind just doesn’t go “worldwide smuggling demon eggs” scheme. That’s just not how his brain works.

I understand that it was convenient to have Riley show up and be a righteous hero while exposing Spike in all his vileness. It makes for a very striking contrast and juxtaposition. Or it’s a “metaphor” for whatever the writers had in mind. But I don’t care how much you hate Spike, I think we can all agree it doesn’t make a lot of sense to have him be the Doctor, right?

21) This was a much needed moment, though.

RILEY: By mission parameters I'm done here. But I have authorization to take the Doctor out. Do you want me to do that? BUFFY: Do I want you to... How can you ask me... I'm sleeping with hi-him.  I'm sleeping with Spike.

It’s the first time Buffy had admitted it so bluntly. When she broke down with Tara, she merely implied it and let Tara fill in the blanks on her own. And here she is, admitting she was sleeping with Spike to the one person who probably hated Spike the most, and to whom admitting it was probably the most humiliating for her. She almost chokes on the words, but she gets them out. And I think saying it out loud made it real. And owning up to it opened up her eyes and helped her made the choice to break things off. I mean, as long as she kept it secret, it wasn’t real. She could pretend it didn’t happen, you know?

22)

BUFFY: And then you come back... and did you wait until your life was absolutely perfect and then send that demon here so you could throw it in my face?

I think he actually did.

23) Poor Buffy...

RILEY: Hey! You want me to say that I liked seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that that ... burger smell is appealing? BUFFY: You smelled the smell?

24) I do appreciate his words for Buffy, though.

RILEY: Buffy, none of that means anything. It doesn't touch you. You're still the first woman I ever loved... and the strongest woman I've ever known. And I'm not advertising this to the missus... but you're still quite the hottie. (...)  So you're not in the greatest place right now. And maybe I made it worse. (...) Wheel never stops turning, Buffy. You're up, you're down... it doesn't change what you are. And you are a hell of a woman.

But... I kinda feel this was the writers' way of redeeming Riley, to give him the heroic Nice GuyTM sendoff they messed up in Into the Woods. You see, in that episode, they actually tried to make us root for Riley, to cheer Buffy on as she ran after the boy who had treated her like shit. They had Xander spewing a supposedly inspiring speech to encourage Buffy to follow her heart, while he only knew one side of the story and then quickly dismissed the facts he ignored because they didn’t fit the Riley is a Perfect Boyfriend and You’re Underestimating Him narrative. But I think fans didn’t buy that bullshit. I know I didn’t. When Buffy broke up with Riley, I was rooting for her. Just as I was rooting for Buffy when she broke up with Spike in this episode. Both were the right calls at the time. But the writers probably still wanted us to think Riley was Good, as opposed to Spike, who was Bad. Well, guess what? They’re both Bad. Riley might have a nifty-looking scar now and cool gadgets and an awesome wife, but he still treated Buffy like shit.

25) Don’t you find it ironic that the guy she thought she loved or who she thought was deserving of her love basically told her the exact same words the vampire who she swore she would never love will later tell her?  (”You’re a hell of a woman.”)

26) Ugh they’re so extra, I hate them.

I repeat, I’m Willow.

27) I love this moment so much…

SPIKE: So she's back. Thought you'd be off snogging with soldier-boy. BUFFY: He's gone. SPIKE:  So, you come for a bit of cold comfort? The bed's a bit blown up, but then, that was never our... BUFFY: I'm not here to... And I'm not here to bust your chops about your stupid scheme, either. That's just you. I should have remembered.

SPIKE: So this is worse then, is it, this is you telling me... BUFFY: It's over. SPIKE: I've memorized this tune, luv. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want. BUFFY: I know that. I do want you. Being with you... makes things... simpler. For a little while. SPIKE: I don't call five hours straight a little while. BUFFY: I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just... being weak, and selfish...

SPIKE:  Really not complaining here. BUFFY: ...and it's killing me. I have to be strong about this.

I love it for the honesty. She's not hiding behind her righteousness, and she doesn’t shame him or humiliate him by calling him a thing, a monster, disgusting (even though he is all of those things.) There’s only truth about her feelings. She wants him, he makes her feel good, for a while. But she doesn’t, and she can’t, love him, and it’s unfair to both of them to continue like this. And she apologizes to him and calls him William. He’s a not a thing anymore. He’s an equal, deserving of the minimal human deference on her part. And even though I am a Spuffy shipper, I love Buffy first and foremost, and I wouldn’t want them to be together if it was at the expense of her own sanity and well-being. So yeah, they needed to break up if they were ever to work out as a couple. (I was so naive!)

28) And I love how she walks out of his crypt because you can see she understands that getting better and letting go of this unhealthy behavior is going to be a challenge but she’s finally ready to face it. She’s not scared anymore.