#gotta do something productive to keep the bad thoughts away yk

[yoinkschief]

uhguhbuhhh

The covers are finally allll done

I've got two more pieces of art I have to do and when the proof reading of the prologue chapter is done it'll fine be up :)

[notxaxnun]

I'm not here to preach or tell my life's story to the world. I'm just here, thinking. And I needed a way to get it out so here goes:

4 years ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. That never really sat right with me, except maybe in the beginning until I started therapy for it. Things had gotten HELLA worse. For real, I was acting out all the time and I just couldn't stop crying.

I had a boyfriend at the time, one with whom I would later on move in with. Anyways, a lot of the times there started to form some moments where I felt at peace and genuinely okay for longer periods of time. But even then something was always off. Was it not about my life it was about my mental state. And then everything started to deteriorate all at once.

Ever since the literal unraveling of my life and basically becoming homeless, after finally finding peace and well even a home. For someone who has never known a real home with real love, that meant something. So I shattered. Over and over again.

Now I'm left here, with all my pieces. Trying to put them together enough to even be a functioning human being. I'm so damn tired of being tired. All my life I've had to fight and goddamn I was so willing to fight and I felt all this fire inside me. But that all burnt out.

So the question remains: how does one get that fire back? I nearly lost my mind trying to figure it out. I spent all my time thinking and now it seems like I can't stop. I want out man. Out of this mind where all these thoughts keep going on and on about a million things.

And then I lost myself entire in all that was bad. Again. This time for real. Up until the point where I admitted to myself that I am in fact an addict. And not only to drugs, but like the thrill of living on the edge not giving a fuck. The thrill of anxiety? Maybe.

I gotta remind myself that healing isn't linear. You don't stand there at point A with one straight ahead road to point B. Working through complex trauma and serious mental illness just isn't unfortunately as simple as that.

It is indeed a hard to swallow pill. But once you've done that you can move onto the phase that , to me , is the scariest but also the most fun one: take action.

DO THINGS. THINGS YOU ENJOY. If you feel stuck and find yourself, like me, doing literally nothing but wasting away, do something FUN. And I mean really fun, like every day. Until you feel like you're ready to take on something that's like way less fun but is necessary.

I find it easier to accept and do the things I don't like to do at all but have to be done when I've accomplished a state of mental peace (or anger , yk that just keeps me going until i can't stop, my house be CLEAN when I get angry). To begin with. Once I've found peace and cleared my mind, then I can start planning on doing said tasks.

Unfortunately it sounds way more simple then it is. Because well, I myself tend to lose focus like all the time. So I like have to remind myself to slow the fuck down like maybe a hundred times a day. But that's okay BECAUSE HERE IT COMES GUYS THE SECRET IS OUT:

I noticed something was up

I didn't know what it was so I LITERALLY slowed down, took a deep breath until I felt like my mind was clearing

I examined my physical state in my mind ie am I hungry?

I examined my mental state

AND TOOK ACTION ACCORDINGLY

Moral of today's long ass story: slow down, take time to fix your physical and mental self before acting and making decisions. It's okay to take your time with things. But just like be strict enough with yourself to not keep postponing them until they become an issue.

That's what I find myself doing now: procratisnating. But lately I've gone about that in a productive way, circling back to what I was saying earlier about like doing fun things until the not-so-fun things don't seem so bad anymore.

Because like it's easy to lose sight of the good if the bad is overflowing and a lot of it is literally in your hands, which is scary. BUT if you have enough fun, sounds silly but it's true, all the other things just don't seem so big and bad anymore.

And then like be strict with yourself even though that's no fun, you gotta respect like your OWN boundaries as well. It'll be less easier to hate yourself once you take care of yourself and respect yourself.

That all starts with (and we all hate hearing it): CLEANING BITCH. But hey like if you put on some music and just start singing along with it, it's not half that bad yk.

That being said, I should take up my own advice and then experience the peace that comes next by yk CLEANING. But like take it slow guys, don't overstress or push yourselves to do anything you really can't but also be honest if you could like do it as to why you're not doing it and then go from there.

Or that's what I learned and struggle with at least! I hope these insights help someone, anyone out there x