#gotta distract myself from life somehow!!!}

[lilowoof]

ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD

Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!

[rizzulusarcturizz]

Me, sobbing hysterically: life is a never ending cycle of backbreaking labor to simply exist rather than live a fulfilling life

Me, ten minutes later giggling: Jily and RegEvan as exes to besties turning in to Evan(s) and Jegulus with Jily being awkward and RegEvan gossiping nonstop about their new crushes (BartySirius??? squiggled in the margins)

just finished my sobbing existential breakdown and now I’m thinking about evan(s) to recover 💖

this is so real & u and i are in this together i’ve been soothing all my problems with evan(s) for at least a week now 💘

[helix-enterprises117]

Halo Reloaded: "Never Forget This Moment"

In the heart of the holographic observatory, where the ceiling did a damn good impression of the infinite expanse of space, Linda and John... were having a moment. Well, Linda was trying to have a moment; John seemed to be more in a tête-à-tête with the stars. The place was designed to awe, with its endless sky full of stars, nebulas, and galaxies, all fake but convincingly so. Linda decided it was time to shoot her shot, metaphorically speaking this time.

She sidled up next to John, her armor clinking softly, a subtle symphony of Spartan presence. "Ever think there’s more to life than just shooting bad guys and dodging explosions?" she ventured, eyeing a particularly bright holographic star that seemed to wink back conspiratorially.

John, momentarily distracted from his cosmic contemplation, turned his helmet slightly towards her. "Between you, me, and the Covenant, there hasn’t been much time for philosophy," he quipped, his voice carrying that monotone gravitas that somehow made even the most mundane comments sound like mission briefings.

"Yeah, but there's gotta be more to it, right? More to us?" Linda pushed on, her tone a mix of curiosity and something a tad softer, something that didn’t come with a gun attached.

John looked like he’d been asked to solve a Rubik's cube blindfolded—with his gloves on. "Us?" he echoed, as if the concept was as alien as the foes they faced. "I... we're Spartans. Our 'more' usually involves larger guns."

Linda couldn't help but chuckle, a sound rare and precious in the Spartan ranks. "I'm serious, John. All these stars," she gestured vaguely upwards, "make you think about the bigger picture. And in that picture, there's you and... there's me."

There was a pause, filled with the digital hum of the observatory. John seemed to process this at the speed of a dial-up connection. "Are we talking about feelings now? Because I missed that briefing."

Linda rolled her eyes, her patience wearing thin but her determination undeterred. "Yes, John, feelings. You know, those things that make your heart try to punch its way out of your chest."

John stood still, the epitome of a man confronting his mortal enemy: emotional vulnerability. "...I'm not exactly an expert on this. My idea of a heart-pounding moment is usually when I'm dodging plasma fire."

"And yet here you are, heart still intact. Think you can handle a little more excitement?" Linda teased, stepping closer, her tone daring him to take that leap with her.It took a moment, but then John, ever the soldier, accepted the challenge. "Okay, let's say I'm open to... discussing these feelings. Hypothetically."

"Hypothetically," Linda repeated, a smile in her voice. She reached out, her armored hand finding his. "I've always wanted more, John. More than the missions, more than the battles. With you."

John's response was a long time coming, lost as he was in the novel sensation of his heart attempting gymnastics. Finally, he found the words, clunky and uncertain.

"I've spent so much time fighting, I forgot what it was to want something... for myself."

Their visors met, a Spartan version of eye contact, and pull their helmets off each other. The distance between them closed, a gap bridged by mutual, albeit clumsy, admission of something more profound than their usual exchanges of tactical data.

The kiss that followed was anything but smooth. It was the epitome of "Spartan Romance"—clumsy, earnest, and somehow, against all odds, perfect in its sincerity.

Under the artificial stars, two warriors found a new battlefield, one where emotions were the weapons and the spoils were moments of shared vulnerability. "I never want to forget this moment," Linda murmured, her voice soft but fierce with conviction.

In the fake starlight of the observatory, amidst the silent witnesses of a thousand simulated worlds, Linda and John discovered a new frontier. It was uncharted, fraught with the peril of unknown feelings, but for the first time in their lives, they werenighted.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

"Still, the effort stands almost no chance of succeeding in this Congress."

This is where we are. Politicians moving pieces around as if there is a play to be made, while knowing they will lose.

And, given the vibe check in my feed, this is where a lot of voters are too. Somehow, it will be less of a dictatorship if Communications Breakdown McGenocide staggers his way back into office. Because Democrat = Harm Reduction. PERIOD. We MUST do the ONLY THING WE CAN DO even if we KNOW that won't fix it.

I don't want to stop you. Vote your conscience. But don't vote your terrified ignorance. Stop for two seconds. Stop venting your anxiety at leftists who are just as scared as you are but dealing with it differently. Sit there with your own thoughts in your own head and sort them out. November is a long way away, you have time to think. This can't possibly be the only thing you can do.

You're gonna wake up after the election. Someone will win, someone will lose, and the Supreme Court's decision will stand - even if the amendment process continues, it will take years, so that decision will stand. You should be scared and sad no matter who's in the big chair. You should not be rooting for Biden to go full Stalin and take it out on some Republicans - a Blue dictatorship is not a win for democracy, why do I even have to say this?

So you'll be scared and sad but your life will still be there. It is very likely that the inertia will keep you safe for quite some time. Maybe your whole life - although if you've got kids, you should die worried for them. You'll need to go to work to buy food and housing. You'll have prescriptions to fill and repairs to make. You'll hafta pick out some presents for a birthday or holiday. All of that will still be there to distract you from the situation - and it will be good and important and make you feel happy and safe. Sometimes. Sometimes, you will still feel okay.

You have to decide if that is enough for you - spending down the good times you have left until they are gone, and dealing with whatever consequences as they hit. But, I promise you, there are people out there who are already unsafe and know it. There will be more and more people, maybe including your kids, who won't stop saying, "This isn't okay," because it's not. It hasn't been for a long time, but it's getting really obvious now.

And sometimes people will do things trying to fix it that intrude on the things you do to feel okay. They'll block traffic, or damage property, or yell real loud, or hurt your feelings, or even do something that gets human beings injured or killed. If you were happy for the Hong Kong protests or the Arab Spring, or the Civil Rights Movement or whatever distant protest that didn't inconvenience you, personally, now you'll have to square that up with protests that do. This will be that "glorious revolution" you don't want - your friends, neighbours and family pushing back, even when it hurts.

Even when it hurts you, because your continued emotional and even physical safety is very small, and the danger is very large.

You gotta decide if you're going to sit there and cry about your injury, and extrapolate your pain only so far as other people who want to sit still and colour within the lines like good voters, or if you want to push back too. I have no idea what pushing back will look like for you in your situation. For me, my health is in the crapper -I fled, and I'm fighting to repair myself. It's looking like the most I can do is donate money and write words no one will read - but it's not nothing. And it's not shutting people down when they mention something is wrong and voting won't fix it - which is worse than nothing.

If Biden doesn't win, it's not going to be because I betrayed him. I'm a voice in a void, with no campaign funding or right to influence his decisions. He decided he didn't want my vote a long time ago, he told me and I listened. Moderate Democrats and the corporate interests that fund them are abandoning him. They do not see an impending collapse and do not care if Trump wins. It won't make much difference to them.

Rep. Jared Golden, a moderate Democrat from Maine, argued the outcome of the election was a foregone conclusion. “While I don’t plan to vote for him, Donald Trump is going to win,” Golden said in a Bangor Daily News op-ed. “And I’m OK with that.”

I'm not OK with it. I'm not OK either way. I'm trying to repair my body enough that I can protest without being a liability, but that may not happen. If all I can do is get out of the fucking way, then I will. But I will not lay down my broken body to protect a system that wants me dead - I don't care if that scares you.

You should be scared. It's not okay. Get up. What are you going to do?

[clarktooncrossing]

HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW! IT'S ME, CLARK!

For the last twelve years peeps have asked me if I was opened to commissions. I had only offered services like that once, resulting in a weird transformation comic where some dude gets turned into a sexy duck. Hey, guy's gotta pay for pizza somehow, folks. Especially when Pizza Monster keeps stealing mine! At this rate I should stop spending my moola on deep-dish and use it to fortify my home. Luckily I might be able to do so now, thanks to all of you out there! For you see, it was during those twelve years that a few of you kept coming back to my deviantART page to see what crazy new things the Clarktoons and I were up to. Whether it was to see how many characters I could cram into one Sketch BOOM, hear my thoughts regarding Christmas Specials in Giraffe's Eye View, or simply to witness whatever cute crap Bumper was up to, 500 of you weirdos liked whatever I was doing. I couldn't be more grateful to those 500 peeps. I've always said my purpose in life was to make people happy, so knowing I've done so for that many people helps remind me that I'm doing something right. You all are truly the best and there's nothing I could do to express my immense appreciation. Or is there? A few of you may recall my promising something whenever I reached that many followers. While I've been distracted with my recent hacking incident or preparing for the upcoming Holiday seasons, I didn't forget about said promise. At long last, I have opened myself up to commissions! If anybody out there wants me to draw some silly silly, I'm ready to do so [within reason]. Details and prices will be posted in a journal sometime soon, but for now let's get to a commission paid for by my friend @the-pale-servant.

She had paid me to draw a Full Body piece for her Hollow Knight OC, Giolla. I'd go deeper into detail, but I know next to nothing about these games. Instead here's Jart's description of the character for some context:

Well they are a vessel created by the Pale King and lived in the White Palace with the King and his Lady for a short while before their kingdom fell to ruins. Now they live their life as a wanderer and console  the bugs dying of the Infection, their shield is memento from a friend and lover long passed from the plague

Let it be known that she also said I didn't have to know anything about the series to get this backstory. Uh huh. So I didn't have to know who the Pale King is or what significance the White Palace has, eh? Not to make this piece I didn't. This is actually my second attempt at drawing this character, the original sporting a different pose. I wasn't fond of how it turned out, so it was back to the drawing board with a better, more dynamic sketch. From there it was just a matter of coloring and getting Jart's approval, which only happened after I muted the colors. After years of making art that looks like Walt Disney's vomit, it feels so weird using darker colors. Still, my friend seemed to enjoy it as I hope the rest of you do. If anybody out there wants me to draw something like this with their own characters, be on the lookout for that upcoming journal and feel free to send me a Note via deviantART. Until then-

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

[aprillikesthings]

OKay gotta distract myself from constantly refreshing my fic and staring at numbers, by continuing my spop rewatch

If you're new here: I'm rewatching all of She-Ra for fic writing purposes, and live-blogging it, with too many screenshots. None of this is spoiler-free. I make a lot of jokes and talk about my life and make references to other shit.

Also, I find Catra's villainy to be kinda hot (okay more than just kinda hot)

s4 ep1 the coronation

"April did you rewatch the Portal scene again"

Yes, because that's where I left it paused, mind your own business

OKAY so I remember this from the first time I watched it, like, four years ago--that of all the emotional stuff this show gets 100% correct, I'm not sure Glimmer's grief over her mother is all that accurately portrayed. She just seems to "get over it" too fast?

By which I mean: yes, it's the focus of this episode, but that's basically it.

When my dad died--and keep in mind I'd been no contact for six months, I'd already done most of my grieving for him!--I was so out of it I couldn't even read anything longer than a few paragraphs for multiple months. All my writing basically screeched to a halt. And Glimmer likes her mom!

BUT tbh I keep remembering someone pointing out that each season covers WAY more time than I originally assumed. Because the first time I watched this I assumed we were like, literally a week or two after the events at the end of s3. It's probably closer to several months. And that makes way more sense.

Also who else is confused as to what "princess" and "queen" even mean in this universe, like there are several princesses who are clearly in charge of their kingdoms? is just when their parents DIE that they become queens? if so wtf is wrong with Frosta's parents "lol you're eight now, time for you to be in charge of literally everything, and you'll never see us again"??

okay but literally did they only ask Mermista to do the flowers as a joke bc I am literally sad for her now :(

There she is!!! 😍

Also I read some (old) commentary from Nate about why her hair is flatter this season and nooooooo

oh hey remember that you tied up Adora

okay do you remember this specific time you tied up Adora lolol

"Don't talk about my ex-girlfriend!!! it's a very sensitive topic *sobs*"

Glimmer's coronation robe is so great. I wonder if, like IRL ones, it's made out some insanely hard-to-get fur and weighs approximately five tons.

The line delivery of "BOW! CALM DOWN!" made me laugh so hard I had to play it for other people and then watch it again.

"Power changes people"

Not everyone is like you!!! >:(

(if anything, responsibility is more likely to change Glimmer)

poor bb

it's Entrapta's little naked mole rat robot!! which is also somehow also a squeaky toy??

Scorpia wants SO BAD to find a way to see Catra as not a terrible person

the robot didn't deserve that

"Don't talk about my ex-girlfriend!!! it's a very sensitive topic *sobs*" (pt 2)

Scorpia is such a cinnamon roll

Adora literally only owns like three outfits. And this is her "nice dress."

Bow's dad's!!

Also this is framed so much like a wedding, even the music is wedding-ish

I'M NOT SAYING A DAMN THING ABOUT THIS

A FRIEND

okay maybe not

I'm sticking with my theory that this is several months after the end of s3 which means she's been like this (unable to teleport) for a while

Yeah, people have discussed this a great deal, re: grief: most people want to talk about the people they've lost, if you give them a safe time/place to do it. You don't have to avoid the subject.

;_;

I once again ask myself: where were you keeping the sword this whole time lolol

NICE (Glimmer put the fancy lantern into the little niche for it)

Aziraphale? Is that you?

IT'S SO CUTE

I wonder when Angella recorded this

YEAH!

where did you get the new outfit 2. isn't your other arm cold 3. she's fucking purring

She says this the exact same way she says "Hey, Adora" and I went "EUGGGH" out loud

Some people were like, "oh, her redemption arc in s5 was so rushed" and meanwhile I'm like, "I wish they'd made her deranged and mean a little longer, actually. For Reasons."

Anyway I've run out of images unless I reblog the post, SO: she yanks the little crystal thing Entrapta made out of Hordak's suit so he collapses and then taunts him with the knowledge that Horde Prime is not gonna be happy to find out he can't even subdue the Rebellion, basically puts herself in charge, end of episode

WOOOOO

[drippingviolets3]

Sooooo, a lot has been happening with me recently and since I might be sick (and desperately need my medication adjusted-) I’m going to do a part two to that one thing where I rated danganronpa characters based on how they would comfort me after that one instance where I got bullied for being 💅

Hajime: 6/10: His free time events low key make me want to strangle him sometimes for his attitude, and I’m STILL traumatized by that one nut scene, but he’d still do more then the bare minimum despite being awkward about it.

Chiaki: 6/10: I know she would never say this, but for some reason she’s giving me Zuko’s “Thats rough buddy” response from ATLA 😭. I don’t think I would be able to tell if she’s actually listening or caring, so I’d be discouraged, but Chiaki would definitely try to find some way to distract me.

Nagito: -10/10: Mf would deadass look me in the eye and tell me it was a necessary stepping stone to achieve the brightest hope or some shit he can gtfo.

Twogami: 8/10: For the sake of staying in character he would pat me on the back with a broom, but would definitely have some words of wisdom to share with me, maybe share his food, idk.

Teruteru: 7/10: Here me out, since Teru is canonically bisexual, coming from one queer to another, he’d know when to drop the pervert shit and actually help. His advice would be shit but hey at least he’d make me something to eat.

Mahiru: 3/10: I can’t stand this bitch I gotta be real with y’all 💀. While she would agree that it was bad and such, she’d still get onto me for how I reacted and tell me to stop crying. We know she doesn’t really do anything to stop bullying so she’ll just do slightly below the bare minimum and dip.

Peko: 12/10: MY. WIFE. Okay I might be biased but I do think she’d just slowly draw her sword out to kill the mfs but would retract it the moment someone said “Peko, no.” Would she know how to comfort me? Probably not. But will she make sure that karma is delivered and that it hurts like a bitch? 100% yes.

Ibuki: 5/10: I think she’d also canonically queer, but she’s obnoxious and is weird in a way that kinda feels forced to me tbh? Idk how else to describe it, but I do know that while she would do her best to help, she’s not the person I want to be around in that kind of mess.

Hiyoko: 4/10: It depends on if we’re friends or not. If we were she’d probably tear the bullies a new one before promptly getting curb stomped, or she’d just make fun of me and tell me to get over it 💀.

Mikan: 2/10: She’ll want to help but would probably make it worse by tripping, crying, and apologizing.

Nekomaru: 9/10: He’d be such a dad about it, give the bullies a firm talking to and maybe yell at them if they catch an attitude. Overall he’d be bodyguarding me around that bitch 24/7

Gundham: 7/10: He’d give me a hamster to hold and would go off on one of his tangents about being a demon lord and how he’s make them burn in hellfire and shower the underworld in brimstone, but I won’t be paying attention because I’m holding a hamster and that makes life better 💞

Akane: 5/10: Similar to “Peko, no” but instead it’s like swiper the fox where you gotta scream “AKANE NO!” Three times in a row to prevent her from going on a rampage.

Sonia: 6/10: The sweetest and gentlest thing omllll 💞💞💞. She’d make sure I’m in a safe mental space so I won’t hurt myself and brings me pillows and blankets and such. But if she gets really pissed, home girl will deadass threaten the group to leave me alone. If they catch an attitude they’re gonna have to throw hands with her whole fucking country (and it is mentioned that everyone in her country learn how to work army machinery in elementary school so 💀)

Kazuichi: 5/10: I don’t know if he knows what a bisexual is 😭. He’d try to support me but his confusion would be so evident that it somehow makes me laugh enough to where I’m less sad.

Fuyuhiko: 20/10: This man has access to an entire fucking yakuza and you think that bitch will get out unscathed? He isn’t good with words, but actions speak louder than words so he gets straight to work. By the next day that bitch would be in the hospital and get PTSD by looking at babies, knowing it was a baby gangster who knocked her teeth out

[unhingedselfships]

KimiKura Pining Phase Playlist

You - The Pretty Reckless “You don't want me, no You don't need me Like I want you, oh Like I need you And I want you in my life”

Wicked Games - Chris Isaak (Ursine Vulpine cover) “What a wicked game you play, to make me feel this way What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you”

Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls “And I'd give up forever to touch you 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life And sooner or later, it's over I just don't wanna miss you tonight”

Hallucinations - PVRIS “I always thought we'd have another life Dancing alone Left in shadows I paint you in the corner of my mind Pull the colors from the rays of light

Close my eyes, I can't erase you

Hallucinations, you occupy My imagination's running wild”

10AM Gare du Nord - Keaton Henson “My endless distraction, you worry me But I'm trying to figure out how You don't have to make any promises love I'm afraid I might die for you now”

Dead in the Water - Ellie Goulding “If I was not myself And you were someone else I'd say so much to you And I would tell the truth

Cause I can hardly breathe When your hands let go of me The ice is thinning out And my feet brace themselves”

Until the Levee - Joy Williams “I'm gonna wait out past the shadows And breathe the bitter taste I'm gonna drink the lonely down, the lonely down Let the current take me over Let the ruin turn to white I can feel it all around, all around

I'm gonna stand I'm gonna stand here in the ache, until the levee Until the levee on my heart breaks”

Just Pretend - Bad Omens “I can wait for you at the bottom I can stay away if you want me to I could wait for years if I gotta Heaven knows I ain't getting over you

We'll try again When we're not so different We will make amends Till then I'll just pretend”

Sudden Desire - Hayley Williams “I wanted him to kiss me how With open mouth, an open mouth We keep our distance now I wanna feel his hand go down I try not to think about What happened last night outside his house Too far to go back now”

It’s All Your Fault - P!nk “It's all your fault You called me beautiful You turned me out And now I can't turn back I hold my breath Because you were perfect But I'm running out of air And it's not fair”

Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy “Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you Should've known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do”

Monster - Meg Myers “I gotta know that your heart beats fast and I gotta know I'm the only one for you What have I become? I'm a fucking monster When all I wanted was something beautiful

My love too much Your love not enough”

affection - BETWEEN FRIENDS “You're taking what you want right from me Wrapped up in so much life, it's just the way you hold me You're picking miscellaneously Wrapped up in all the choices you're not giving to me

I'm laying on the floor We're drinking 'cause we're bored”

All I Wanted - Paramore “I could follow you to the beginning Just to relive the start And maybe then we'd remember to slow down At all of our favorite parts

All I wanted was you”

He Wants Me Not - Vukovi “Bring you in I know I can't win But your heart don't belong to me And you don't want me then you want me I'm praying for your beating for your Aching for your heart, heart, heart”

Out of My League - Fitz and the Tantrums “'Cause you were out of my league All the things I believed You were just the right kind Yeah, you were more than just a dream You were out of my league Got my heartbeat racing If I die, don't wake me 'Cause you are more than just a dream”

The Trouble With Wanting - Joy Williams “Always on my mind Always alone You could be miles and miles away But somehow you're close

If I can't have the cake And I can't eat it too I guess the sound of your voice and the ache It'll just have to do”

To Die For - Sam Smith “I long for you Just a touch Of your hand You don't leave my mind Lonely days, I'm feeling Like a fool for dreaming”

DYWTYLM - Sleep Token "Do you roll with the waves? Or do you duck into deep blue safety? Is it always the same? Do you wish that you loved me? Do you pull at the chains? Or do you push into constant aching? Each and every day Do you wish that you loved me?"

I Wanna Be Yours - Arctic Monkeys (Sofia Karlberg Cover) I wanna be your setting lotion Hold your hair in deep devotion At least as deep as the Pacific Ocean Now I wanna be yours

Secrets I have held in my heart Are harder to hide than I thought Maybe I just wanna be yours”

[everyman0]

touching base

here i am...standing in front of the house again.

i havent been here in months. i didnt exactly intend on coming back but it turns out theres some things i may have missed. information i didnt know i needed until very recently.

however, im not ready to go back in there just yet.

first id like to back track a little to what happened after i got that safe open, and how this has led me to returning to the house. ive summarized my conclusions in the previous entry...this is the full scoop. buckle in.

so, i went dark for a while after finding the safe. i wandered from abandoned house to abandoned house, mulling over my situation all the while. i kept an eye out for anything suspicious or interesting, but there was nothing. no ghost jeff, no cat, even the empty apparitions populating the stores in town seemed to be getting bored somehow. and neither evan nor habit showed up, of course.

i didnt stop posting because i was sad and giving up; instead, more so than anything else...i was becoming very, very angry.

at first i didnt fully understand why i was so mad, just that i no longer felt like crying over everything i'd already cried about. that well was drying up fast. i knew i had plenty of reasons to be angry, but each of them on their own couldnt truly encapsulate the raging flame of fury that was growing within me.

the thing is, i decided to leave the house to be better than the vinny i saw in the mirror, to find the answers for myself instead of waiting around for habit to finalize my fate for me. i wanted to take my control back because another version of me never did.

instead, i spent so long just...staring at that gun. i wondered what it could be used for, besides killing myself anyways. i read the papers about the house about a hundred times over and still, none of it was particularly relevant to me. it wouldnt have been relevant to anyone else either, which is why i decided not to share it - riveting, right? and the fireworks? i simply left them with the safe. what else was i supposed to do with those?

all of that was pretty useless shit on its own, shit a more depressed and inattentive me from a few months ago simply accepted. the real spit in the face came from the symbol on the bullets.

habit wanted me to see it, but why? it doesnt mean anything to me, to my knowledge. it probably should though, and theres some reason why i cant pick up on its power. its just another cruel reminder of how little i actually know about anything, despite this "true sight" i have.

why was no progress being made? because these tid-bits of information habit left behind arent puzzles, they are just crumbs to keep me distracted while hes perfecting his own plans. and all this time ive been thinking i was the one who was going to get ahead in the game.

i am furious, because i let him distract me again.

i let him waste my time, again.

i let him have months and months to plan my demise while ive been stuck on one stupid clue, again.

i let him scare me.

hurt me.

kill me.

even lose to me in another life. and in his own defeat, habit still won in a way. he gave up and i let him off scot free, just like that. im humiliated by it.

...

my plan begins at the house. habit's shit is probably still inside - i mean his actual belongings, not whatever he's been feeding me. im going to go through his stuff as well as check out the library. theres gotta be something more to find there.

i am ending this the way i want to.

>>

[feather-dancer]

tell me about "She's the bitch"

So I set myself a challenge to write something short for all of @writer-rider-dirty-thirties's ship bingo things as clearly I hate myself, this happens to be the first one. They get to pick the setting then I gotta do all the work to hit the ticked boxes... This first one is Lila/Luka/Marc at a pool party.

There's even a Soul Eater anime reference in here:

Well, the ones Rose hadn’t stolen to somehow contort into a demon unicorn anyway. She’d been on a bit of a creative binge of late and nobody really had the heart to stop her, not when there’s an ever-looming hospital layover coming up. There was an unspoken agreement to just leave her to it if hoping there wouldn’t be any more blow torches after the last accidental fire that happened in the name of art.

Because I literally can. Plus the dialogue is fun.

“This is safe if you want some…? Because either Alix is getting fidgety over finding a target for competitive drowning or the keg got spiked with something stronger. Nooot exactly sure which and I’m not stupid enough to find out when I don’t have NB Bro Squad immunity like you do -” “They’re never that bad...” “- And the only things with enough privilege of seeing me wet is bad weather or a shower. A mermaid in a previous life I sure wasn’t.”

Look at that Sea Salt reference. Amazing.

It started as a discord message just been expanded so a lot of stuff has been rejigged to fit including stealing Luka's shirt in the update per request. Taken some of the questionable writing choices regarding Marinette from canon to give Lila an active reason to dislike her along with a motive that makes sense. Does she care about her lambs or is she manipulating them for her own benefit? That's up for the reader to decide. Hoping to post this weekend but I got distracted watching an hour long video on the direct to video disney films.

[bowsers-sweaty-asshole]

Crazy how getting diagnosed with a life altering/ending, bankrupting illness puts things in perspective. I'd give anything to "just" be depressed right now. All my former problems seem like ants now that there's a mountain in front of me. Just convincing myself that paying 500k (that I don't have anyway, god bless america I guess I'm just going to have to let my jaw rot off) for a surgery that will leave me in agony with a breathing tube and a chunk of bone from my leg shoved into my face is somehow better than walking into traffic...

Man if only depression was my worst issue again. Lmao.

If only I could afford this surgery, then my only worries could just be the torturous recovery/potential death. Worrying about money ontop of everything else is just so fucking unfair. If I had just been born in a country with free Healthcare, none of this would have ever happened in the first place.

I wish I'd have asked the doctor for a benzo prescription. Significantly worried my mental health spiral isn't going to let me even see my surgery date. Can't distract myself from this, how the fuck am I supposed to? Like trying to go to work with a mushroom cloud looming in the distance. I know it's coming, and I know it's going to be agony, but for now I just gotta... work at my shitty low wage job? I gotta do chores and maintain my life and bills while doom is rapidly approaching? Just gotta rawdog this emotional distress until I can't take it anymore?

[queervegancryptid]

My dad and I are trying to talk every week on Sunday evenings. Last night's conversation was a lot.

I woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep, so I'm watching 90s Sailor Moon. I stumbled into the last episode of Sailor Moon R, the Black Moon Clan arc, live on Pluto TV, so I decided to start Sailor Moon S. It's where I really fell in love with the series, when I found a few issues of the manga at the local Sam Goody. Now I'm really dating myself lol

But I still don't fully understand, after all these years, why they did such a shit job of recutting and dubbing it for Toonami and such. I mean, I do understand how and why it happened, but I feel like it shortchanged an entire audience in a big way, especially when the dubbed version of S came out.

It was a real "disappointed but not surprised" moment, but it was also a moment where I knew something was bullshit and couldn't tell others why.

That drags us back to last night's conversation. Let's just say, it's abundantly clear to me now that my dad and I have wildly different understandings of my childhood and overall development into an adult. He also said some crazy shit about aliens and mind control and Matrix-type simulation possibilities. None of that is implausible, but it was the way it came out that made it nonsensical.

Anyway, I kinda wish they would recut and redub it, but Sailor Moon Crystal, Eternal, and Cosmos are really more faithful to the original manga in general, so I guess that's a good compromise. Like not asking my dad if he's on meth and just ignoring it when his explanation for something in the news is mind control and hyper-advanced aliens and just letting it go, saying, "Well, tell you what. If you're right about this being part of an October surprise and Harris losing because of it, I owe you a coke."

Jesus fuck balls Christ. I am going to lose my entire mind. At least my partner helped take my mind off it before we went to bed ;) but this is another of those things that hangs over me because I know I'll have to deal with it eventually.

It got to the point where I was just exhausted. The crazy part of the conversation meandered somehow into us talking about my childhood, by which I mean, we went to abstract and bizarre crazy to personal crazy, and I found out he definitely has no idea about... a lot.

It got to that point when I realized what I was up against there and understood that I would not be able to help him understand, that night or possibly ever, what he clearly doesn't understand. But on the bright side, he knows that he probably doesn't understand, and he wants to, and that's a lot better than a lot of people can expect from a parent. I'm grateful for him in a lot of ways. I'm also frustrated with people in general, and I'm even more frustrated after that conversation.

So maybe I'll start a Sailor Moon blog as a secondary one to this. Gotta do something to take my mind off this bullshit so I can force myself to eat. Because another thing that's happening lately is that extreme hunger gives me panic attacks. Multiple times a day. I have to avoid it by making sure I eat, which is its own challenge, but if anytime I get anxious or my blood pressure spikes lately, my chest hurts, which is concerning.

Anyway, I'm on meds for that, and they're helping to manage the symptoms. Meantime, I don't know what to do aside from distracting myself and stumbling my way through this. So I guess that's what I'm gonna do.

It just sucks to feel like you don't have any good options. It sucks almost as much to find out your dad thinks you were born really smart but lost about 50 IQ points by the end of high school. I didn't get less intelligent; I learned to doubt myself more and more over time. And not being able to explain that to him in a way he could understand was just more than I could take.

All my life, people have blamed me for shit that resulted from what they or other people have done to me. They blame me for what they don't understand or see it as an immutable characteristic rather than what it is: the result of one or more fuck-ups in my psyche that never fully healed.

Anyway, I can't solve that today, or maybe ever. For right now, I'm putting it out of my mind as best I can and looking for distractions.

[harmonyckrs]

Day 29 in Twisted Pleasantview: The World Gets Rebooted

THE PREVIOUS DAY

NAME: NOVA VIOLA MEADOW THAYER

LIFE STAGE: ROBOT

STATUS: DUPLICATED. 2/3 FUNCTIONING, 1 MALFUNCTIONED

SPECIAL NOTES: A robot built by Crystal and Lazlo before the takeover of Strangetown, now seized and used for malicious intent

---

Dear Diary,

Just as Puck and I were about to leave, we overheard one of the robots, Meadow, outside. We decided to flee upstairs as she stepped in, before proceeding to tinker with one of the machines as she talked to herself. She was saying a lot of repetitive stuff like how the Day of Domination was going great and how she didn't have to do as much work, but there was one phrase that she would speak in between all of this:

"I miss my dad"

I guess there was probably still some heart in her, but I didn't want to be stuck on the second floor balcony of the Gieke lab so I decided to get some water and throw it down at her. Somehow I managed to hit her, and she started glitching before Puck and I sprinted past her to go outside. The two of us were about to run back towards where Lazlo was being held, but then I felt something hit me in the head and that was the last thing I could remember.

Melody: We did it. Pleasantview is ours.

???: Wonderful. Now I can complete the third stage of my revenge plan...

Melody: To kill Mortimer, that cheating creep who left you for a woman half his age?

???: Yes, to kill Mortimer. You know me so well, Melody. You're far more intelligent than my other daughter...now, to reset all the survivors' memories to the day we took Dina.

Melody: Thank you, Bella. Hearing that means a lot to me...you're like a mom to me. I can barely remember what the face of my real mom looked like since she left...

???: I'm sure they'll come back one day. Now, let's check to see how Pleasantview is doing...

Dear Diary,

Today fucking sucked, like usual.

Dirk was sick today, so I didn't get to see him at school. And when Angela and I came home, I caught Dad sleeping with the maid. Angela didn't believe me when I told her, claiming that I was lying just to tear the family apart, so I doubt Mom will believe me either. Guess I gotta keep it to myself and laugh in their faces later once they see the truth. WE ARE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN

WAKE UP! WE NEED TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM HER GRASP

Angela: Lilith, I'm sorry.

Lilith: (TELL HER TO GO AWAY.) Are you?

Angela: I am. And I know you can't remember anything right now, but I really wish we could be friends again. You remember when Dad used to take us to the park and we'd take turns pushing each other on the swings?

Lilith: (TELL HER TO GO AWAY!) Yeah...Why are you bringing this up?

Angela: I don't know. I'm just trying to distract myself from my thoughts. There's a voice in my head telling me to fight you, but I don't want to. You can hear it too, right?

Lilith: (SHUT UP!) Yeah. It's loud.

Angela: Let's work together to fight it, then.

There's a distant strumming of a guitar in the distance, but nobody is sure where it's coming from...

Lilith: (shut up) That guitar sounds really familiar...

Angela: Yeah! It sounds like...Ripp?

Lilith: Ripp...Reed...

Lilith: (Ripp Grunt and Reed Vandermorgan are the same person...and we've met before!...and we've met so many other people, too!...some of which are no longer with us...)

Lilith: Ripp is using his guitar to distract everyone in Pleasantview...or someone is playing his music from a speaker...

Lilith: (I think he's trying to wake everyone up to save Pleasantview! But there's one last thing we need to do to help him...)

Lilith: Angela, I know how we can save everyone.

Angela: You do?

Lilith: We need to get to the Fairy Realm. There's a man trapped there who's our key for freeing not just Pleasantview, but Strangetown and Veronaville too!

Lazlo: Another day stuck in this hellhole, and the stove just had to catch on fire...

???: Lazlo! We remembered what happened now! We want to apologize!

Lazlo: Huh?...Aktu? Hamza?

Hamza: When we slipped into that coma from resurrecting Nina, our memories came back! We're here to bust you out!

Aktu: And we're really sorry about trapping you here for all this time...and we fully understand if you want us dead.

Lazlo: Oh, you guys! I was never even mad at you! We're all just victims of Crystal...where's Zoya, though? Don't you need her to break the barrier?

Aktu: Yeah, but if we remove our portions, you should be able to break through regardless...it'll take a bit of strength, but we'll help you through it.

Lazlo: ...Oh, the grass feels so nice...and the breeze, too...

Aktu: My power feels...replenished. I feel as though I can whip up a thousand paintings in mere seconds.

Hamza: Same here. I feel much stronger than before...but we should find Zoya before we lose her to Crystal.

Lazlo: Right!...do we even know where she is?

Hamza: No clue. The last thing Aktu and I remembered from the invasion was seeing Brandi and Vidcund, who helped us break out, but...Zoya never granted anyone a wish. She doesn't have anyone.

Lazlo: Vidcund! I have to tell him I'm-

Hamza: Not now! His memories got erased with everyone from Pleasantview. We need to find Zoya first, then stop Crystal once and for all!

???: We want to help!

Hamza: What? Pleasantview children?

Angela: We're teenagers! We enter college in about one semester.

Hamza: Okay, and? What are you two even doing here?

Angela: We want to help you find your friend Zoya and end Crystal Vu's regime.

Aktu: I mean...

Lilith: Think about Brandi and Vidcund. You care about them, don't you? Let us offer you our help.

Lazlo: Let's just bring them along! What's the worst that could happen?

Hamza: ...If you say so, then sure.

THE NEXT DAY

[mysumeow]

Hello!! I've been a huge fan of your work for some time now, actually. I actually like your writing style because it's neat and somehow appealing to my eyes, from one writer to another! I'd like to try this matchup game and this is also my first time as well😭😭 I hope I'm doing this right. I'd like a genshin matchup please and thank you!!!

For appearance, I have long hair and I work out from time to time. I'm skinny with a slight curve!!! Working on that. I do dancing but never singing because many of the people I know express their distaste for my voice😭 Point is, I do exercise and dance a lot. (Im a girl btw!!! don't know where I should slip this in)

I'm not really smart, I consider myself to be quite dull but not at the same time. I have amazing grades and sometimes get into the top 5 but I get distracted too easily, especially the day before exams(somehow I still pass.) When I'm with the people I like, I get extremely comfortable no matter where the both of us are. There are multiple times where I almost got hit by a vehicle because of how carefree I am around my friends.

I'm a people person, talkative extrovert 100%!! I love people and everyone I meet, I wave at strangers who wave at me and I strike up a conversation whoever is next to me anywhere, anytime. There was this one time I talked to this cute mom outside of a mall because I was bored, I also remember getting scolded a LOT by my friends because why do I even talk to strangers willingly? I don't know. It's just who I am, really.

I have a strong distaste for shameless and loud people, I don't usually mind the most of them but when they are in front of me or during an important event where everyone is supposed to be quiet, my head just hurts. I also engage in gossip from time to time, but not those who bring people down. Just the sharing of opinions. I also don't like fish. a lot.

For my bigger flaws, I have a highly anxious avoidment attachment style and I apply it to everyone I meet. I am also very prone to overthinking and daydreaming, a day cannot pass without both of these happening. I'm not proud at ALL. All of this happened because of something that happened in the past, I constantly look for the same feeling the person gave me in everyone I meet, and feel disappointed when I don't find it at all. BUT I DONT LEAVE WHEN I DONT. I like people. But I'd like it better if they gave me the same warmth she did in the past.

Oh this is getting really long I gotta stop ramblingAAAHHH. So my hobbies are writing and gaming. I have great pride over what I write and I never doubt my plots. I also love animals except those that are taller than me(doesn't apply to dogs). I like eating. I eat four times a day and I don't even get breakfast.

OKAY I think that's all, sorry for the ramble!! 😭😭 Thank you for reading this, and wow this feels like a Twitter profile thread. Only thing missing is the More About Me ↓

. . . ꒰ MATCHUP II

A/N: A fellow writer!  Hahaha don’t worry anon, I like reading these submissions! Also, I think it’s the first time someone has described my writing like that, so it was a bit surprising for me :OOOOO  Thank you! <33

I match you with Kazuha! He finds it endearing how genuine you are and your knack of opening a conversation. Even as a wandering samurai, it’s few the amount of people he has met like you, and your friendly demeanor captures his heart with ease. When you ramble on about your day or anything you want to speak about with him, he looks at you with fondness. He pays attention to everything you say and remembers important details, without interrupting or feeling bored about hearing you speak.

He has a scarily excellent memory. He’ll ask you about how’s it going with the last story you were writing like, months ago—after you had spoken to him about it once…

He doesn’t scold you when you get distracted, instead opting for redirecting your attention or guiding you back into safety while keeping the conversation with you. If it’s a life-or-death situation, he’ll grab you by the arm and pull you away from the danger, while apologizing for taking such an abrupt decision but letting you know there was peril awaiting you.

Thanks to Kazuha’s patience and forgiving nature, he sees beauty in your amiability and in your whims. He does get extra vigilant when you get distracted or opts to choose safer routes within his means whenever the two of you are strolling around or traveling.

If you travel in the Crux Fleet, there’s plenty of gossip going around, even during your brief stay. Kazuha isn’t one for seeking gossip, but without putting any effort into it, they make their way into his knowledge. You’ll have lots of conversation with him.

Likewise, Kazuha likes to daydream. He enjoys the moments of silence too, and you’ll often find him daydreaming while looking at the sea or writing a haiku. He’ll recite it to you if he sees you’re curious about it.

Kazuha deals well with your attachment style. Even if your absence isn’t pleasant to him because he really enjoys your company, he’s understanding and won’t hold a grudge for it. He’ll wait for you to come back and welcome you.

Honorable mentions for this matchup: Thoma and Kaveh.

Very broad explanation: As long as you’re not causing any trouble to the Kamisato Clan, Thoma’s a people person too. Kaveh loves to talk. He’d match your energy when you want to chat with him.

[seeminglyseph]

You know. Sometimes it is helpful to remind myself like. I do have like. A handful of miscellaneous things going on with my body and brain that makes it difficult to manage, and while having psychiatrists that were pretty quick fire to give me a lot of diagnoses with very few solutions or solid explanations and I could rattle off a series of abbreviations to explain why my brain sucks, I have done a decent amount of DBT type work that I don’t give myself credit for. And a lot of the time when I talk to actual therapists they get a little thrown when it comes to this stuff because it’ll come to a point like “what do you do when you’re overcome by these overwhelming emotions?”

And I’ll be like “well I mean if I’m able to I try to like separate myself from what’s causing it. Practice some sort of self soothing, either mindfulness or medication to get my body reactions under control if there’s adrenaline or cortisol levels that make it impossible. Sometimes I gotta go sit outside and smoke a little joint, which also helps me get my breathing back in the right rhythm. Sometimes I need a friend’s help to get my head straightened out, like a guided mindfulness set, but I’m getting a bit better at sorting out if I’m in a bad state on my own or not. It helps to double check sometimes though.

“Usually once I’ve gotten my body back to a neutral state it’s easier to get my brain into a healthier state. So if I notice I’m spiralling I get my body out of a thing and distract my brain and once I’m in a safe situation I figure out if that was a normal reaction or if it was PTSD. ‘Cause sometimes it’s a memory of something of else instead of being afraid or upset about something actually happening right now, and I gotta figure out if it’s something I gotta deal with or if it’s just bad feelings. And then if it’s just bad feelings I do some soothing exercises to deal with the remaining pain. If there’s a problem there I work on dealing with it now my emotions aren’t in fight or flight mode.”

And then my therapist is like “okay those are all good life skills but somehow you described that in a way that’s deeply, deeply sad.”

I don’t think I described it right here so I clearly missed whatever context obviously makes my therapists like. Always be like “that’s not incorrect but also it’s extremely lonely”

I think the last time I described my self soothing process it involved like. “I mean I just do it? Like I just gotta. Nobody else is gonna. I just gotta get up and get over it or it’s just not gonna get done. That’s all there is to it. There kinda is only me I can count on for the most part.” Which I guess makes sense… but I don’t really think anyone else is expecting anyone else to come over and make them feel better??

Or am I just chronically let down and have a very skewed view on what I might expect from people? Like. Is it not just normal to not expect that? Idk. Especially if you’re someone who is sick all the time and therefore people can’t expend that much energy on you, so you gotta learn to put your own feet under you or you never learn to get up.

[ram-de]

segue

I learned a bit about myself today. I learned that in all of my waking life, I always had a constant state. I think I've heard this also in one of my previous counseling with the campus psychologist. An equilibrium. And life being life, there's gotta be ups and downs at times. It's just how life goes, right? Thing is, my equilibrium is barren. It's miserable.

In my ups, I can be so devoted to faith. I prayed and spirited in learning about faith and how I can be better spiritually. It doesn't last for long. It's not long before I returned to my center state.

In my downs, I can be so detached from everything. Eating, self-blaming, suffocating, so miserable I feel I *need* to perish. It doesn't happen often, because just like how it's not long for me to descend from the ups, it's rather easy for me to be taken back to the center line.

But nowadays, it felt like that down became my center line. Not so bad I want to die, but it's just so empty. I hate losing again yet another interests because I can't keep hopping around in distractions, immersed in it for moments before it disinterest me. I hate it. I don't know what else could hook me and I don't want to fall. It's lonely and it's upsetting me.

I hate to revert to self-pity post, but I don't know how else I could shake myself off this state. I've become so sly, so easy to reassure myself that everything is going to be okay. It's not. I've became so clever to evade opening my laptop or writing the daily reflection journal. I know I won't write progress anyway. I hate it. I hate myself right now, and I deserved that. What other excuse am I going to scrap from the barrel this time? Who am I trying to convince?

I kept yearning for closure, because it felt like I have a lot of loose knots inside me. But I don't even know closure to what. Loneliness? Anxiety? Insecurity? I don't know anymore, these tangled mess that I couldn't keep up anymore. I hate looking myself in the mirror, seeing myself withering away. Sometimes I felt like I don't deserve to eat because I haven't done much that day. Other times I feel like I have to eat a lot just so I can prolong doing something. It's confusing.

I'm envious of people's life. And that held me back from being happy for others and for myself. It's unfair that some people have more skills bestowed upon them from birth. It's also unfair for the others that I kepd belittling means of effort that I couldn't see. I don't understand, I only have my life to take care of, why am I spiraling due others that I perceive?

Bet you in hours I'd be doing something to distract myself. Couldn't bring myself to be courageous, could push myself to doing commitments. There's a lot of couldn't and can't, but I'm mistaking them with won'ts. I could and I can, but somehow I would not even if I should have. Agh...

It's scary setting a daily goals because I know I couldn't fulfill them anyway. What the hell am I doing with my life if j couldn't even see myself past the day? I hate myself. Fuck.