#got his ankle showing like a slutty victorian lady

[ratttgay]

fuckass pantaloons

[sushigal007]

Running a little late with tonight's Doctor Who because I was at shooting practise, but I am committed to this, so lets go!

Right out the gate we've got proper Christmas vibes as the TARDIS materialises in a snowy Victorian alley and the Doctor walks out to see a Christmas market, before asking an urchin what day it is. It's a wise decision, because the Victorian Christmas aesthetic is super popular here in the UK, thank you Mr Dickens.

Don’t get used to it.

Then the action starts with a woman shouting for the Doctor. But not our Doctor. He mentions the sonic screwdriver, the TARDIS, and the Time Lords all in the space of ten seconds, so it looks like we've got a Doctor Ruth situation on our hands, because clearly this isn't a past Doctor. Of course, this is an old story, so I know he's not actually a future Doctor, but when it aired, we didn't know, and the only real clue that this isn't a future regeneration is that the new Doctor doesn't recognise Ten.

And then we see the new Cyber creatures. They do not spark joy.

Roll credits! David Morrisey gets his name in, just to tease us.

The Cybershade crawls up the wall, dragging both Doctors behind it. As they're hanging halfway up the side of a building, Ten asks if Doctor David, who I will now be calling DD, recognises him, which nope. Both Doctors get their bums skinned as they’re then dragged through the window and across the floor until Rosita sensibly cuts the rope with an axe.

Ten is excited to know which Doctor DD is, although he doesn't want to know how he dies. But DD is clueless. Ten twigs that he's had his memories messed with, DD says that huge chunks of his past are missing and wow, Chibnal must have had this playing on a loop.

Anyway, DD only really remembers the Cybermen and asks Ten what he was like, but nothing he says is ringing any bells.

Cybermen! They recognise DD as the Doctor, but not Ten.

We get our first look at todays idiot evil human who's decided to team up with the Cybermen. It's a lady, which is a nice change. She heads off to a funeral, presumably the same one DD and Rosita were talking about.

Ten ambushes DD and notes that his sonic screwdriver is literally a screwdriver. It's sonic because it makes a noise when it hits the wall, lol.

DD is investigating the murder of Jackson Lake. His body was never found, but then there were more murders and children started going missing.

Ten notices a fob watch. Is this important!? Could it be hiding Time Lord memories!?!?

No, it's just a fobwatch, RTD you tease.

Ten finds infostamps. It's the history of London. DD comes over all woozy and we get a wonky flashback. Apparently he was holding one the night he regenerated! And Ten was there!

Then he finds a Cyberman in a cupboard.

Ten outs himself as the Doctor to the Cybermen, and DD, but the Cybermen aren't interested in talking today thanks, so DD zaps them with the infostamp.

Ten gets out his stephoscope as DD questions him, so presumably he's now twigged that DD only has one heart and isn't him.

Funeral. The Cybermen's ladyfriend shows up in a slutty slutty full length dress that covers her ankles and shoulders. The men are outraged, because of course they are. Well, that and it's bright red. But then she cheerfully admits to arranging the death of the Reverend to get them all in once place, which is when the Cybermen kill everyone Miss Hartigan doesn't need. It is, alas, not as festive as death by evil Santas or robot angels. But at least it's snowing. Merry Christmas.

Ten is looking forward to seeing the TARDIS and aren't we all! He does some more sonicing as DD talks up Ten to Rosita. Then while he's rummaging through Jackson Lake's luggage which DD has confiscated as evidence, she tells him how they met when he saved her from the Cybermen.

Then Ten finds an infostamp in Jackson's luggage.

And we see the TARDIS! It's... a hot air balloon. DD has made the acronym work.

Ten has begun to figure out what's going on. We don't get to hear it yet though, we're back to Miss Hartigan, who's having a lovely time puppeting the men she left alive.

Ten starts explaining things to DD and asks for that fob watch. Turns out it IS important - it's got JL engraved on the back. DD is Jackson Lake and got the compressed history of the Doctor beamed straight into his head, oops. DD is rather annoyed by that, and wants to know what else he’s missing, and Ten points out that Jackson Lake had way too much luggage for one person.

Bells start ringing, it's Christmas Day! Let's have a flashback to Jackson's wife being murdered!

Then Ten finds a whole bunch of infostamps, all beeping to bring the Cybermen.

Outside, a whole line of orphans are being led away by one of Miss Hartigan's guys, but the Doctor can't risk deprogramming him because the Cybershades are watching. So him and Rosita follow, because I guess the Cybermen aren't interested in being stealthy today. How convenient.

Miss Hartigan shows up and has a chat with Ten. She wants liberation, which, OK, understandable. The Cybermen do not recognise Ten, so he chucks them a rigged infostamp, which they immediately fix lol. Miss Hartigan says the children are being used for work, and she has chosen the day specially because Christmas is for birth and a new message for the people and I must say, I do appreciate a Christmas episode where the villains acknowledge the significance of the date. We could certainly do with the reminder, there's not really many Chrismas vibes in this episode now.

The Cybermen advance. Jackson zaps them. Miss Hartigan yells for the Shades, which still do not spark joy and Rosita get to punch a bitch, go Rosita. Even Ten cannot really bring himself to voice more than a token disapproval. Jackson tells them he found a deed to a property, so if that's where he found the Cybermen, maybe that's a way into the Cybermen’s factory.

Miss Hartigan's men are no longer of use, so that's them dead while the children get to work.

The Cybermen lead Miss Hartigan to a throne. She thinks it's great. Until they tell her it's for her. She's pretty annoyed because she didn't want to be converted, but they insist. She's just too emotional (er...) and so removing her feelings will liberate her. All hail the CyberKing. Her eyes open and they're completely black. Why? Well, what the hell, why not.

Cool steampunk aesthetic with the engine. What is it an engine for though?

Ten notices something's funky with the engine. The Cybermen notice there's something funky with their new CyberKing. She's still got emotions, oops. She decideds she's gonna make some new Cybermen with logic and passion, which the old Cybermen aren't thrilled with, but a little zapping soon gets them to reconsider.

Time to evacuate some adorable orphans. God knows what's going to happen to them now the guys who run the workhouses are all dead. Jackson watches them run and finally remembers what else the Cybermen took from him - his son. Which is why his brain broke. He is, of course, the very last little orphan left in the building as it begins to fall apart.

The CyberKing rises!

Ten pulls off a heroic rescue and delivers baby Lake to his daddy.

Oh, Rosita knows where to send the orphans, good.

The CyberKing rises out of the Thames and all I can see is the Death Egg Robot from Sonic The Hedgehog 2, especially as it goes stomping across London. Miss Hartigan cannot understand why her people are not thrilled to get stomped on.

Ten nicks Jackson's TARDIS.

The Death Egg Robot starts zapping.

The TARDIS flies up to Hartigan level. Ten flatters her brain and offers to take her somewhere else to live. She declines, so he zaps her with the rest of the infostamps. It opens her mind (?) so she screams the Cybermen to death (???) and the Death Egg starts falling apart. I am, alas, completely underwhelmed. Ten blasts it with a doohickey he picked up earlier, some time travel technology the Cybermen nicked from the Daleks, and then Jackson explains it because I'd actually forgotten about it.

Everybody cheers the Doctor, yay.

Jackson says people will remember this for years to go. The Silence watch from the shadows and grumble about how much work it's gonna be to make sure they don't. (Not really, but yeah, that's probably how it works.)

Rosita gets to be little Freddie's new nursemaid, just in case she was thinking of having aspirations.

Ten lets Jackson have a peep in the real TARDIS because let's be fair, he earned it.

Jackson asks why Ten has no companion at the moment and Ten says sometimes they forget him, so this is post Donna-mindwipe. I couldn't remember exactly when that happened, so thanks for clearing that up for me, guys. It's interesting to see that Jackson gets to keep his Doctor memories, nice to see SOMEone does.

And then they head off for Christmas dinner.

FINAL THOUGHTS.

So, not a bad story, but I didn't enjoy is as much as the last two. I do like the whole thing with Jackson Lake and his missing memories and you can really see the inspiration for Doctor Ruth here, because an unknow Doctor who doesn't remember the current Doctor really was just too good a premise to visit just the once.

Unfortunately, the Cybermen subplot just isn't as interesting. They don't really add much to the story and the Cybershades add even less, which is probably why we never saw them again after this. Another wasted opportunity was Rosita, who really didn't get enough to do. She's there simply because the Doctor has a companion, so Jackson had to have one too. Oh, and also so Ten could tell us how great her name is, just in case we'd forgotten about Rose, as if he'd ever let me. Miss Hartigan was fun though. I would’ve liked to see more of her.

But this story's biggest crime is that it's just not Christmassy enough. It started off well with the snowy Victorian Christmas market, but other than the continuous snow and a few Merry Christmasses back and forth, that's it. No more decorations, no festive villains, not even Christmas carols. Such a missed opportunity.