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damisalakowrites · 5 months

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How I Got My Agent

"But don't you already have a publishing deal?" Yes, I do! And for that blog post, visit here!

Now let's get into it...

I started querying this project in January 2024 and received my first offer of representation in April 2024. If you're looking for the query stats and my query letter, scroll to the bottom!

January 9, 2024 - Sent my first batch of queries.

I batch queried. Initially, I focused on querying agents who responded quickly so I could get a feel for the effectiveness of my query package. I received full requests pretty quickly so I knew it was working. After that, I queried as agents opened up and when I had time.

March 6, 2024 - R&R on a partial manuscript

An agent rejected a partial but gave me a full page of editorial notes and feedback. And it was the most helpful feedback I’ve ever received on a full or partial. I spent six weeks revising and at the end of my revision period, I reached out to everyone who had my full and let them know I’d revised. Depending on how long ago I queried them, I offered to send the updated version or I just went ahead and sent it (with a small note that implied they didn’t have to re-read it if they’d already finished the first MS!). Everyone got back to me to confirm they received the revised MS or thanked me directly for sending it.

Even though the opening pages changed significantly, I didn’t re-query everyone. I only re-queried agents who had my query sitting in their maybe pile. I know, technically I can’t really know if I’m in a maybe pile, but I used my best guess (Query Tracker Premium helped with this).

One of the agents had me in their "maybe" pile for ~3 months. Within 48 hours of re-querying with the updated manuscript, she requested my full. Put a pin in that, I'll come back to this later.

And another week later, one of the agents with my full offered:

Thank you for sending this R&R along, and for your patience while I dove into THE SUN HAS A SHADOW! I was able to finally sit down and really dig into this manuscript over the weekend, and I think it’s absolutely wonderful. Your characters are distinct, there’s so much in this world to explore, and you touch on important themes while keeping the pacing quick and easy to follow—so many things I look for in YA, and fantasy in particular. I wanted to reach out and see if you’d accepted an offer of representation elsewhere, or if you’re still seeking an agent for your work? If THE SUN HAS A SHADOW is still available, I would love to set up a phone call to chat further about it with you, and about possible representation with [REDACTED]! I can’t wait to see your book out in the world, and I look forward to hearing back from you soon!

Post-Offer Timeline

Things went by quickly after that.

I got my offer email on 4/23/24. Two days later, I was having The Call with the agent and the founder of the agency. The phone call went so well and it was clear that they both understood this book and the story I was trying to tell. Having both of them on the phone call also was an opportunity to see how the agency as a whole works - and not just the agent. They never interrupted or spoke over each other and knowing that I wouldn't just have the agent’s support, but the agency’s was more impactful than I’d anticipated. I also knew I wanted an agent who was more editorial - someone who could push me to create the best version of my story. Yes, they loved and gushed on my story and it was clear that they were just as passionate about it as I am. But I wanted to work with an agent who could help me make it even better.

When the call ended, I knew I’d be more than happy to work with with that agent. But of course, it was time to do my due diligence and send out those "notification of offer" emails and messages.

By the time I received my offer, I had 2 partials and 10 full manuscripts out in the world. When I sent my offer of rep notifications, four agents with my full stepped aside due to the time constraint. I’ll be honest - two of those step-asides stung. They were with "dream agents" - but like I said earlier, after my call, I knew I’d be more than happy to work with the offering agent. Many other agents with my queries stepped aside too, simply because they wouldn't be able to make my deadline. And seven agents requested my full after nudging them with my offer (most of them weren't able to read the manuscript before deadline, though).

I received multiple offers (stats at the bottom). And while I was so grateful, I also found my anxiety rising. Every single agent I spoke with was excellent, and I would have been happy to work with any of them. There were no glaring red flags, I spoke with current clients, and I did my whisper network research. All of the agents who offered were incredible and blew me away.

So how exactly was I supposed to choose?

Answer: Follow your gut.

The Agent

Remember that agent that had my query for 3 months? And then I re-queried with my revised MS and she requested my full in 48 hours?

She offered.

And our phone call went really well! Conversation flowed, her editorial vision and her enthusiasm was everything I hoped for in an agent and it was clear that she knew the genres she represented well. At the end of the phone call, I immediately texted my husband and told him, "I think I found my agent."

I had a few other offer calls in the coming days and again, those calls went extremely well, too. But two weeks after my first offer, I emailed Dorian Maffei and signed with her.

And I'm beyond excited to get started.

Query Stats & Query Letter

Queries Sent: 96 CNRs (closed no response): 3 Rejections: 79 Partials: 6 Fulls: 21 (14 before offer of rep + 7 additional requests after notification of offer/nudge) Offers: 5 offers and 1 R&R Total Time Querying: 105 days (~4 months)

Some additional notes about these stats:

I withdrew 26 pending queries the day before I signed with my agent. Queries were withdrawn because I hadn't heard back before deadline (so similar in concept to CNRs).

By the time I got an offer, I had 10 fulls and 2 partials out. Both agents with my partial stepped aside post-offer.

All 7 of the agents who requested my manuscript post-offer either passed, stepped aside, or CNR'd.

My Query Letter

Dear [AGENT]

In Ibana, dragon-riders devour the Nightmares that lurk in the shadows of night while phoenix-riders herald the rise of the Sun every morning. But five years ago, the queen killed her family, usurped the throne, and ordered the genocide of all phoenix-riders.

No-one has seen the Sun since then.

Despite the never-ending night and the Nightmares that skulk between the cities, 18-year-old Babatunji makes a living delivering messages and cargo, braving the Shadow-lands alone. But his life of quiet isolation is ripped out from under him when he finds himself indebted to a dangerous dragon-rider. Desperate and out of options, he reluctantly agrees to the first job that comes his way: escort Layo, one of the last phoenix-rider descendants, to the other side of the country. But after Baba and Layo survive an assassination attempt ordered by the queen, Layo confesses her true purpose: she is in possession of the last three phoenix eggs, and she’s been tasked with safely delivering them to a hideout on the other side of the monster-stricken country. Her success would mean the return of the Sun, the return of the phoenix-riders, and a means to finally end the queen’s dark reign.

Baba and Layo escape ambushes and face the Nightmares that lurk in the night while the queen and her dragon-rider army nip at their heels. As Baba and Layo’s alliance blossoms into something more, Baba comes to terms with a terrifying realization: the key to Layo’s success is also Baba's greatest secret. It’s a secret he’s buried in shame, loneliness, and laudanum. But if they have any chance of saving their world from this endless night, Baba will have to confront his shame and expose the darkest parts of himself. Doing so could cost him his life but worst of all, it could confirm what he always suspected: that he was never deserving of redemption in the first place.

BEASTS MADE OF NIGHT by Tochi Onyebuchi meets SKYHUNTER by Marie Lu in “THE SUN HAS A SHADOW,” a high-stakes fantasy about re-discovering one’s agency, and how the threads of guilt, depression, and addiction create a tapestry of isolation and shame. It is complete at 78,000 words and set in a fictional world that is culturally inspired by the Igbo and Yoruba tribes of Nigeria (#ownvoices). It will appeal to fans of slow burn romance and shadow-magic. Despite its darker themes, it will leave readers feeling hopeful about these characters, their journeys, and themselves.

[BIO PARAGRAPH]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

#creative writing #publishing #querying #on writing #am querying #writing #ya fantasy #writers on tumblr #book writing

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anonymuseing · 4 years

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Do Your Research, Karen

Reading a chain email that is signed off as "Dr. Capellini, Ph.D" or whatever is not 'doing [your] research', Karen. Anyone can type 'Dr.' in front of their name followed by the PhD letters or whatever. I could sign off on this post as 'Dr. Tumblr' but that doesn't mean I am an actual doctor or that I have a PhD or whatever.

Watching the news is not 'doing [your] research', Karen. Watching the news is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to doing your due diligence.

If you want to do your research, start by checking out "Dr. Capellini"--where did they get their Ph.D? Not just where they say they got it ('cuz lying on the internet is easy), but go to the post-secondary institution that they're citing and check if their name is anywhere on the alumni list. Ask around, see if there's proof from the institution that a "Dr. Capellini" got their degree there. Even better--what was their degree in? If their degree was in Computer Science and the chain email is talking about Covid-19 then that should be a red flag. Computer Science deals with viruses--of the technological kind. Their area of expertise has very little to do with Covid-19 and human health. Turning it off and then back on again is a good strategy for computers--but going to sleep and waking up again is not going to save you from Covid-19 (though, getting more rest and reducing your stress levels and panic over everything is probably good for your health overall). Use your common-sense, Karen. You wouldn't go to a Doctor for a trojan virus on your computer (from reading up on too much click-bait, potentially)--don't go to a self-proclaimed Computer Scientist for your health concerns.

Where has "Dr. Capellini" published their work? Most Ph.D people have their work published in academic journals. You are trying to look into whether or not you can trust this "Dr. Capellini"--so see what research they have done, where it's been published, and look into whether or not the journals their work has been published in are proper sources. A twitter post is not a scholarly source--anyone can make crap up and post on twitter. If "Dr. Capellini's" only 'published work' is through twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or emails or whatever, then they have 0 credentials and I'd be more inclined to say they're a liar or a scammer, and most definitely a troll than I would be so inclined to call them "Doctor" unironically.

'Research' means fact-checking. It doesn't just mean "look at all the institutions (magazines, internet followers, etc.) that have this plastered on them". Fact-checking means taking what someone says and doing your best to find out whether or not it's likely to be true. Having a few thousand subscribers doesn't mean a few thousand people stand by the statement as true--and even if they do, it's possible for a few thousand random internet people (and bots/dummy accounts) to be tricked into believing a lie. Look into the institutions that are standing behind the statement or "Dr. Capellini"--do they have a reputation for truth-telling? Do they have a history of sensationalism and retracted/redacted statements and publications? It's possible for a majority of humanity to believe in something not very correct (via not having the knowledge, or willfully rejecting proof to the contrary)--look up geocentrism and flat-earth-theory if you want examples (and to brush up on your 'researching', Karen).

Good High Schools will be teaching this, and it's basically a requirement in post-secondary--learning what 'research' entails. Proper research means looking into as many different viewpoints on a topic as possible and figuring out as best you can what can be believed. Doing research even at the undergrad level means including a "limitations" section in your paper where you mention some theories/articles/opinions/findings or whatever that are contrary to what you've set out to prove or to persuade people on. Good research is usually written in a "If A and B are true, then C. BUT...(and here's the limitations)...C is dependent on whether A or B are true. If A or B or both are false, then my entire paper/argument goes out the window. And there are some theories that suggest A or B are false...BUT I decided to write with the belief that A and B are true because...[good, solid, reasons--even 'there was more evidence/papers written proving A and B as true', or even just 'in the ideal scenario that I wish to address, A and B are true--so for the purposes of my paper I, as the researcher, am choosing to write with the belief that A and B are true]". A scholarly, persuasive piece worth it's salt is usually written in a passive tone--even if the research knows their theory is 100% correct, they'll probably still write passively and include a "but there are somet that believe the contrary". Good research isn't written in a tone that pisses people off--save that angry ALL CAPS soap-boxing for Twitter. If you want people to listen to what you have to say without rolling their eyes and closing their ears/minds to your message, speak politely and with respect. People that have done their research do not need to rely on ALL CAPS for shock value or to get people to listen to them.

Karen if what you do is 'research' then post-secondary education is even more of a monumental waste of time, energy, resources, funds, blood, sweat, tears, and heartbreak than it already feels like to those that have gone through it. Yes, it's a human social construction. Yes, there are people that graduate and regret everything they put into it. If 'doing research' was as simple as reading a chain email or clicking on every sensational headline to come across our dashboard and yelling our opinion on the truth at anyone and everyone--refusing to listen to beliefs/theories/opinions to the contrary...then why are people paying many thousands of dollars for a post-secondary education? Why do you insist that your children graduate from post-secondary education and yet you reject their idea that 'research' is so much more than scrolling through social media and believing every 'Doctor' that comes across your screen? Clearly, you're willing to buy into the idea that "Dr." and "PhD" mean something--even if you clearly don't know what those prefixes and suffixes mean. Clearly those two things have some sort of authority to you. Your adult-child may not be a Doctor and may not have a PhD...but neither do you, Karen. Believing every self-stylized 'Dr.' isn't doing your research and arguing with your Bachelor's Degree child on this matter is proving that you're willing to believe an anonymous internet troll over your own child. It means you're writing off all of the time and money (probably some of your money) and effort that your child went through to get their education. It means that the word (coughLIESough) of internet strangers means more to you than the words of your own child, whom you know and have watched grow up. And, from the perspective of anybody who knows how to do proper research, it means you are more than just a part of the 'uneducated masses'--it means that you are part of the problem. Misinformation is just as dangerous as Covid-19. People that believe the whole "inject yourself with bleach to kill the virus" thing that started, or people that believe that every Asian is a carrier of Covid-19--they are just as dangerous as Covid-19. People have been hurt and died because of the proliferation of misinformation. Covid-19 has many unknowns and it's scary and does result in the death of a heck of a lot of people--but it is survivable. Stupidity, prejudice, and the rejection of truth and facts probably hurts and kills almost as many people, proportionally, as the virus itself. Humanity may eventually find a cure for Covid-19; but there's no cure for stupidity.

#Karen #Covid-19 #COVIDIOTS #do your research #rant #personal

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episodechooseyourpregnant · 5 years

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THE EPISODE STRIKE DISCOURSE

Sorry about the wait guys I’ve been so tired since I got off work, but here it is the entire sins of Episode laid out in front of you. There’s a lot of stuff to unpack, but you can read the basics at the end.

- Sunny

Fair Warning

So, this is a long ass post with lot’s of detail regarding Episode Interactive guidelines and the current reason of the strike currently taking place on instagram.

AKA: People hate episode and here’s why.

If that doesn’t intrest you then skip this post. \/(0.0)\/

So what’s exactly happening?

Currently, the strike is taking place do to unfair treatment of the content guidelines set on Episode (Well, there’s a bit more detail than that, but that’s the basics of it).

The guidelines in question are:

Crossovers between two different authors are no longer allowed. For example: Bad Boy in Town and Zezzy Montero crossover episode would no longer be allowed. Another example: The Teenage Viligante and Matched would no longer fit the guidelines.

You are only allowed 5 punches per story. (No action genre here!)

Using Episode Assets to create custom content is no longer allowed.

There has also been some internal issues with enforcing these guidelines.

Featured Stories have been known to get away with stuff

Allegedly- INK authors have been recieving harsher enforment of the general episode community guidelines while Limelight authors who produce the same content are given the go.

Popular Authors have also been known to get away with way more while smaller authors get dinged hard.

Episode Official Stories have broken the rules as well. (literally just wait...)

Pretty much all these issues came to a front when this post (the original forum post is now deleted) was made in the forums on April 19th, 2019 by Mod Melani:

In short: this is basically saying crossovers are no longer permitted on episode because it infringes on copyright.

People were up in arms do to this being a massive change in the rules, and it could potentically effect a large population of already published stories. As people started to feel quite pissed with episode, this was posted by a popular Episode artist, @schittwriter on her story.

It basically goes like this:

Her first cover for her story Bad and Badder get’s approved:

but her second cover for her INK story gets rejected.

Here’s the kicker:

Schittepisode uploaded two OF THE SAME cover to be reviewed for the exact same story (The same story was made for LL and for INK). The Limelight cover was approved and the rejected one was in INK. The email she recieved for the rejection of the INK cover stated that:

“Please adjust bra strap so it isn’t falling down her arm. Disrobing underwear in a sexual situation breaks the Episode guidelines”

I asked her basically what happened and she replied by DM:

She’s absolutely right that it’s unfair.

I haven’t seen the covers because she hasn’t released them, but from the way the DM sounds her the cover had two fully clothed people, but the girl was wearing a tank top with a loose bra strap.

It gets pretty laughable because we’ve seen what the romance section looks like. It’s also quite funny (hypocritical) that one of the most read stories on the platform, Chain Reaction by Miss MJ, has a cover that looks like this:

So, after these two massive bombshells of ‘injustice’ by the episode creators it lead instragram user @bukki.episode (writer of ‘My Psycho’) to post the infamous ‘strike’ photo.

Sidenote: Is INK treated differently than LL?

Short Answer: Nah.

Long answer: This is really an issue of the rules not being clear. Episode has stated before that INK is just old and outdated software that is hard to use. They switched to LL to produce content faster. They are obviously going to promote LL because that’s what they’ve been working on for ages. (not a style that they are never going to update again)

But, that doesn’t mean I can’t still hate LL and all it stands for

Read this for more on INK: https://forums.episodeinteractive.com/t/petition-more-ink/2325/122

More on the Guidelines

Basically, after I read about Schittwriters’ situation, I was actually wondering where in the guidelines state half of these things: Particuarly:

Does it say we can’t have disrobing in the Official Community Guidelines?

What are it’s rules on sexual situations?

Is the 5 punches per story rule real?

Is the crossover rule real?

Is using episode assets to create new backgrounds against the rules?

So, after some digging I realized that alot of these ‘new rules’ just flat out don’t exsist or have been miscontrude a bit. Not only that, but there is some SERIOUS miscommunication in the Episode review staff.

So, there’s two sets of guides we can look at: The one on the creator portal (the rules that are (should) be set in stone by Episode), and the guidelines that have been stated by the mods (Rules that have been stated by the mods in the forums, but not in the offical content guidelines). It’s hard to communicate with a large bunch of people who are running your site. It’s natural that rules will be kinda like a game of telephone, and that certain things will become subjective. So, I’m just gonna preface that because just because one mod makes a comment doesn’t make it automatically FACT.

But here’s what the offical content guidelines in the portal on sexual situations:

“

If stories contain objectionable or offensive content, we may not be able to feature or host them on Episode. Stories must always be appropriate for readers ages 13 or older, which means content would be objectionable if it, among other things:

(...)

+ portrays adult themes, including pornographic content, nudity, or prostitution;

+ includes excessive use of profanity or sexually explicit phrases;

Censor Bar Use, Nudity, and Sexual Content:

Depiction of sex (or anything suggesting that sex is occurring at that moment) in any form, including but not limited to, gyrating bodies, oral sex, or moaning/groaning is not allowed.

Explicit details of what is happening or has happened off-screen is also not allowed.

Any nudity on cover art is strictly not allowed.

Frontal nudity is allowed in a story if it is not excessive, only used in non-sexual situations, and always accompanied with censor bars or scenery to censor.

Posterior nudity in a story is only allowed in a tasteful and non-sexual context.

“

Reading these rules posted, there’s no rule stating that a bra strap or any sort of underwear can not be shown on a cover. I’m just a bit confused and where the line is because we have certain Episode employees approving some questionable covers like Chain Reaction’s, and covers like Schittwriters’s that are not being approved.

Is The Five Punch Per Story Rule Real?

No it’s not real. There’s no evidence or screenshots stating that this has ever been a rule.

The only source of evidence is a rumour that there was a screenshot of an episode employee telling a creator this rule on their instagram story. I can pretty much tell you that five punch rule is just wild rumour.

But after further investigation, I found that the actual rule is FIVE PUNCHES PER SCENE. Five punches per scene is a lot different than five punches per story. You could end up with ten action scenes and five punches per scene, so in theory you could have fifty punches in one chapter to stay within guidelines.

Here’s that screenshot of an episode employee (I redacted for privacy) messaging @bukki.episode on her story:

Using Episode Assets to make Backgrounds / Overlays

This ‘new guideline’ basically states that you can no longer use Episode Official backgrounds or overlays to make new or original backgrounds.

Once again, this is also a rumor that’s not true. In the episode guidelines they say that Episode assets are for non-commercial use only. Now, if an episode user had used episode assets to make backgrounds and sell them- that’s against the rules. This rule is stated in the update on the forums.

“Our Terms of Service indicate that Episode characters, materials and platforms (forum, portal and app) are a free service, and the use of these characters and materials provided are solely for personal and non-commercial use. Selling art or images with Episode assets counts as commercial use. This includes edits of Episode characters, altered renders, and composites. Any art sold must be entirely original artwork and cannot use Episode’s art at all.”

Again, I’ve heard rumours that this rule has been enforced, but I didn’t find a screenshot or any source of this being true.

The Crossover Discourse

Now, this new rule has caused quite a bit of stink do to valid reasons brought up in the forums (I’ll get to that). Now, I’m not gonna post the comments but you can read the thread here if you wish.

The crossover rule basically says that do to copyright laws Episode can no longer allow crossovers because there is no way to prove both parties are consenting to crossovers. Episode makes it very clear that if you publish a story with Episode - you own it.

“ Who owns my story? In a nutshell, you do! We can't sell the rights to your story to a movie or TV studio, make it into a book, or hire some new writer to write your story for you without your permission. You should review the Terms of Service, however, as we are licensed to promote your story and use it in advertising, among other things. We also own all the animations and art provided by the Episode platform, so you won't be able to take those with you. For more information, please read the Episode Terms of Service. “

source - (x)

Since people own the rights to their stories there adds the element copyright to anything people publish. Basically the Episode team is trying to think like this:

How can you prove on Episode that you aren’t stealing someone else’s work?

How can you prove that both parties are consenting to the crossover?

Mod Melani put this concern in her update on the original post:

“What if my friend gives me permission?

Even if your friend gives you permission, Episode has no way of tracking or enforcing this. Because of this, crossovers are not allowed on our platform. This is to ensure that your stories and characters don’t end up being misused! “

source (x)

I’ve heard rumours that there has been issues with stealing ideas, stories, characters from other authors, so this most likely to prevent stuff like that from happening. But, it seems a bit overkill to remove stories because of something that isn’t done with malicious intent. In fact, Episode should only respond to authors that want crossovers taken down, or authors that feel there is possible infringes in their copyright directly. Don’t throw out the whole carton just because there is a couple of bad eggs.

Another issue brought up with the crossover rule is the protection of stories that already have crossovers built into them. Many people brought up the fact that their favourite stories could be taken down because of this rule.

Mod Mel basically posted this:

“There is no deadline to remove stories that feature Episode-centric crossovers.

If authors would prefer to edit or archive these stories on their own schedule, rather than waiting for the possibility that we might ask them to do so in the future, they can do it whenever they want. The only thing that might happen to an author who has written a crossover story is IF we come across it, we may ask you to change or remove it.

We don’t want to “punish” authors who have previously written crossovers.

Authors should be concerned with not writing crossovers moving forward.

I hope this clears things up!”

source (x)

So...

Authors could in theory have their story removed if they did not know about the rule, or Episode could crack down on it before they had a chance to change it. One commenter brought up a good point that creators spend weeks coding crossovers or planning one- only to have it taken down.

Not only that, but these rules are a bit confusing...

We don’t want to punish authors, but we still might take down your story! :)

Episode has been known to take down stories without notice, so this could be a whole new can of worms to unpack.

Using Celebrity or Episode Author likenesses:

Melani3:

This is a really good question. Based on our content guidelines (below), you also should avoid featuring other authors in your story, as they’re real people. The same guidelines I mentioned above for changes apply if you already have a story that features another author, but please keep this in mind going forward!

“In addition, by publishing your story, you agree that it does not include any content that infringes the intellectual property rights or rights of publicity or privacy of any third party. This may include using any of the following without permission:

any works of authorship of other parties, including excerpts or passages taken from literary works, television or film; any trademarks or references to corporate or business names; or any references to real persons or places.”

source (x)

Episode has also started to enforce no longer using celebrity or episode authors likenesses on the platform.

I think this issue also stems from the issue of concsent. I think the Episode Team is worried about being liable for slander or online bullying, so that’s why author likenesses will be prohibited.

As for the celebrity likenesses, it’s the same issue of slander and consent. Episode can use the Dolon Twins, Demi Lavato, PPL, because they bought the rights and arranged contracts.

However, that basically means stories like Pregnant with James Charles’ Baby will be removed... (oh god, oh god, oh gOd, it’s already been removed....)

Episode gives Special Treatment (what else is new?)

*Without a doubt, Episode does not enforce their guidelines properly.*

I’m usually a pretty fair person, but Episode totally cherry-pick their rules. They have no concrete set rules, and most of the rules that are enforced are subjective. They need to state exactly what is and what isn’t allowed. I’ve seen and heard of small authors getting their stories removed without notice for swearing, but large authors with massive fallowings have never had to change due to the rules. I’ve also seen featured stories and episode official stories stay break they damn rules as well.

For example:

Sore Loser stayed up for a longer than it needed to (+All of Noob Loop’s story)

Pregnant by My Student is still top 10 of most viewed stories

(If I remember correctly) Toriah had her story removed / repremanded for excessive swearing???

No rules seem to apply to Gang Leader stories

As much as I love her, Kayla Sloan’s ‘War Dogs’ could promote excessive violence & ‘Adrenaline’ by Evil Ebonni & ‘I Despise You’ by Costa could as well, so why aren’t they removed??.. oh yeah they’re popular :/

Sex scenes are legit all over episode and they are the reason this company is still in business

In My Bed?! was an Episode Official story.

The Bad Boy Stole My Bra has so much sexual nonsense I mean c’mon

POSTIVELY PRINCESS HAS A CROSSOVER IN IT! ROYAL BABY MAKES A CAMEO AND HAS A PLOTLINE

Faking Death has sexual nonsense in it

FORBIDDEN LOVE (AKA THE NAZI STORY) IS STILL UP

Body Tangle

Off Limits (may I say more...)

Also this:

^ Literally a direct rule violation!

Episode’s Response

So that’s basically all there is to it. Hopefully things will become more clear in the next couple of months, but I highly doubt it...

TLDR; Episode published new guidelines stated that crossover episodes are no longer allowed, a rule with only 5 punches per chapter, and background and assets are no longer allowed. People were super up in arms because Episode has been know to remove stories without warning, so crossovers could possible discontinue a whole bunch of stories. Not only that, but a Episode Creator posted screenshots of her cover for her Limelight Story being accepted, but her INK cover being rejected due to a ‘bra strap’. It madeit seem that INK was being unfairly treated agaisnt LL. People started going strike for those reasons. However, the backround issue and 5 punches per chapter issues were just false rumors. Episode responded, but it’s clear that most of their guidelines are bullshit and there is special treatment going on. We’ll see how the guidelines are written these next couple of days.

#episodestrike #episodeinteractive #episode+choose+your+story #episodememe #episode choose your story #episode drama #episode #strike #drama #tea

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dashielldeveron · 6 years

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A Prologue in Venom

Part One of the Viper AU: a Mob!Tom Holland AU in which you are a political author, Tom’s personal lawyer, and eventually his consigliere.

Warnings: violence, swears, the law.

Summary: an introduction to the ongoing AU of you working for the mob tirelessly out of your innate sense of justice and thirst for the mob boss. You have an incredible mentor who is pushing you down a path of crime in order to do the right thing. Your mentor forgot 1) to mention that your new employer is so fucking charismatic and 2) that you’re a dramatic little bitch.

From: Tracey Prine To: [email protected] Subject: article attached

Thought you might want to see this. You’ve made the papers for your real job for once, although your name still isn’t mentioned—but I expect you enjoy that. It’s all over the news stations, and NPR is currently airing the story. Congratulations. There’s a nice quotation from Polson near the bottom that you’ll get a kick out of.

Additionally, I’m going to need your piece on the refugee crisis within twelve hours if it’s going to be published this week.

Thanks, t.

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FALSELY ACCUSED, JULIA LAURENS ACQUITTED

In the late afternoon of October 17, the protracted trial of Julia Laurens came to a sudden end in light of new evidence. Laurens, on trial for the murder of Moira Herrington, daughter of celebrated actors Jay and Melissa Herrington, walks as an innocent woman this morning.

As Moira’s violin teacher, Laurens would have had access to the Herrington residence during lessons on Mondays, but, it turns out, she was not the only one. It seemed like an open-and-shut case when Moira’s body, dismembered, was found in various black bags in Laurens’s garbage bins, along with the ice pick used to gouge out Moira’s eyes under the seat in Laurens’s vehicle on the day Laurens was stopped on the route from the Herrington residence. Laurens had said that she had driven to the lesson without being able to find Moira and was returning home, but the body had already been discovered.

However, as the defence exposed, all supposed evidence was a plant by perpetrator Johnson Mays, a colleague of Laurens who had a secret, unhealthy obsession with the underage Moira. Mays, a mechanic, had attended the weekly game night at Laurens’s apartment on Sunday and had sabotaged Laurens’s car and planted an ice pick similar to the one used. With this setup, Mays would have time to commit the murder during the scheduled violin lesson, while Laurens would have to attend to her car.

You kicked your feet up on the coffee table and flicked through the article. Fucking yes. You’d made national news for being a lawyer, for once. You were the one who’d done the intricate research to discover Mays’s connections, and when Dr. Prine gave you leave, you had driven upstate to investigate Mays’s house under warrant, posing as a general lackey. You had felt the need to see his place with your own eyes, and you had struck gold: not only had you found the real ice pick in his wood pile, but you had found one of Moira’s contacts stuck to the back of his freezer. Her fucking contact. When the lab reports came back, complete with the drop of blood on the ice pick matching Moira’s, you forwarded everything to Dr. Prine, and she sent it to her attorney acting defence in the trial. Mays wasn’t even a player in the game before you, and now the rightful murderer was going to jail. An innocent woman walks free because of you.

Justice felt fantastic. Your work being in the national headlines felt a little better.

You scanned the rest of the article until you reached the quotation Dr. Prine had told you about.

…Out of the clamouring press following the trial, only this was squeezed from a fuming Prosecutor James Polson: “I [redacted] had them. Whoever dug up the dirt on Mays, they’re a [redacted] viper, sinking their fangs into the status quo and letting their venom spread.”

Grinning, you took another bite of Ben and Jerry’s, straight out of the carton. Dr. Prine was right. You were going to have to find a hard copy of the Times so that you could post this on your bedroom wall. You had to bite your lip you were smiling so hard.

You set your ice cream on the coffee table and lay back on the couch to compose a response to Dr. Prine, but you called her instead. As your phone rang, you kicked back and stared at the ceiling fan, its pull making small circles as the blades spun.

“Dr. Prine,” you said when she picked up, “Holy fuck! Holy fuck!”

“Congratulations,” she said, her smile coming through over the phone, “I’m proud of you. You did some really solid work.”

“I didn’t think this would happen! I saved someone’s life! Julia Laurens can go to fucking Hobby Lobby, and no one will accost her. It’s my fault, and she doesn’t even know me,” you said, sitting up to grab your ice cream again.

“Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Well, yeah,” you said thickly through a chunk of frozen brownie, “It is. I wish I could tell my mother, though, but it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Is she still doing all right?”

You swallowed, choking a bit to get it down. “Yeah. How’s work for you?”

“The freshman students write the worst papers I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Prine with a clattering in the background, “Damn, I just—hold on. Dropped the binders.” A door creaked shut on her end, and Dr. Prine spoke more loudly after. “I miss your work. It was nice grading it, since I didn’t have to mark it up much. These kids can’t even handle a mock trial yet. I worry for your generation.”

“Don’t worry. We’re all just tired,” you said, “Speaking of my work, I’ve almost finished the refugee piece. Once I get a solid closing statement, I’ll send it your way.”

“Well, don’t procrastinate. Your deadline’s soon. You got anything lined up this evening?”

Scrunching your eyes shut, you winced. “Don’t remind me. Polson’s got me doing menial work again. Something totally useless with spreadsheets and the expenses of the fucking break room and secretarial offices. If he knew what I was capable of—”

“If he knew you worked against him in the Laurens trial? I know,” said Dr. Prine, her voice softening, “I’ve been meaning to tell you something. It’s your ticket out of Polson’s firm. I’ve found a place where your talents would be…much more appreciated. You could start within the week.”

“Say more right now.”

***

2,132.

2,132 rejections via mass email, starting in your second year of law school. All from different firms that didn’t want you. Rounds upon rounds of interviews, competing with your friends and total strangers who held themselves like they were Croesus, reaching the final interview, only to get rejection emails three days later from firms you would have quite literally killed people to work for. Years of working for and studying under Dr. Prine, editing her national law journal, diligently dotting the is of her excruciating cases late into the night. Getting a taste of the allure of wealth and entrenched power, and never having it want you outside of the knowledge that you were her student. All of it—from the cases you and she never could crack and stood outside in the rain pulling your hair out over, to the parts of your life you missed out on, like your best friend’s wedding and your mother’s last birthday before you started growing apart—leading up to this: walking into a high-rise building with mirror-like windows in the middle of Manhattan and staring up at an embossed, brass nameplate on a door that read Harrison Osterfield.

The next chapter in your life, and it sank like a stone in your stomach. You raised your fist to knock, but before you could, someone snatched it away.

“Ripley,” said the bony man maybe a decade older than you, pulling on his collar and dropping your hand, “and you’re not getting my first name. We’ve got to get upstairs before they see you. No time to lose. I’m the lawyer you’re replacing.”

Glancing back at Osterfield’s door, you followed behind Ripley up a few floors (the elevator was too risky, he told you.) and into a crusty, windowless office with water damage dripping in a back corner. After closing the door, he sat in one of the two chairs in front of the desk (one leg was propped up by a book) and gestured for you to do the same.

“You’re Dr. Prine’s student, aren’t you?”

“I am,” you said, sinking into the leather, “She also told me that you’d be waiting for me, but considering this business belongs to a Mr. Thomas Holland, one would think I’d be meeting him on my first day.”

Ripley pulled a leg into his lap, resting one ankle on the opposite knee. “With any luck, you won’t have any direct interactions with him. Nasty man in a nasty business.”

“Being in an IT consulting company can’t be that bad,” you said, head snapping towards a bucket against the wall once water dripped into it from the ceiling. “What’s with the, uh…?” You nodded your head towards the leak.

“They shoved me down here while the real office is getting renovated, or so they say. Doesn’t matter,” said Ripley, “You and I have a lot of work to do. You’re one of Dr. Prine’s. So am I. They’re working me to death here, and apparently you’re a masochistic workaholic. I need to get out, and this is—well, what we’re about to do is going to be easiest for everyone in this room.”

You tapped your fingers against the split leather, each landing with a dull thum. “Why do I get the feeling this is going to be needlessly complicated?”

“Please, trust me, or at least trust Dr. Prine,” he said, untwisting the cap of a nalgene from his desk, “It was her idea. I can call her up, if you want.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

Shaking your head, you said, “I’ve already seen your credentials. Dr. Prine gave me more information on you than I need to know, Jerome Ripley. I know you’re trustworthy. What’s the plan?”

“I hear you’re into anonymity.”

You always were a dramatic little bitch, so you agreed to the plan: you and Ripley would collaborate on the job until you knew much more of the rope of Osseous Enterprises, and Ripley would fade out as you took on the job by yourself. The plan was sketchy, and everything reeked of ulterior motives. You found yourself addressing stranger and stranger things sent to you in the emails (a lousy lawyer@osseous, how lame) right up until you opened an email from Holland before Ripley could get to it.

Inside were photographs of a human skeleton with the flesh freshly ripped off of it, and that lay to the side of the bones. Boss shot him through the neck, it was labelled, Had me skin it. Wants you to send it along to H. Jones in Queens and cover the death. Victim lived in… And then addresses, social security, et al.

You were supposed to cover up a murder. A murder committed by—oh, um. Hm. You didn’t sign up for this.

Ripley walked into the office right as Dr. Prine picked up on your phone call, and he slapped the phone out of your hands.

Both of them talked you through. The mafia. You were working for the mafia. Not the whole thing, obviously, but you were working for the most prestigious mob family in—fuck, they covered multiple countries, but their base was right here in New York, in the very fucking building you’d been working in for a month—oh, fuck. Were you in the mob? No, you had to be inducted, and to be inducted, you had to be trusted, or at least, even fucking noticed. Osseous Enterprises was a front corporation for Holland’s dealings in the mob, even though it made a lot of money—but significantly less than what was officially recorded. No wonder Ripley was taking certain tasks. He was easing you into it, letting you deal with the surface level shit before you really knew what you were getting into (an aside: this explained why Dr. Prine seemingly sent you to work in business when you specialised in criminal law).

It took hours and hours of skype calls with Dr. Prine and talking with Ripley outside of work to convince you to stay. Dr. Prine appealed to your better nature, damn it, and talked about how even though Holland worked selfishly, he confronted people and solved problems the government was too scared to commit to. All she had to do was talk up your innate sense of justice, and you started changing your mind, albeit with extreme reluctance, especially with the threat of returning to Polson’s firm. Not to mention your first paycheque had your head spinning, and that didn’t hurt your cause.

So, you worked for the mob, and no one knew you did, not even the mob. If Holland knew Ripley were leaving, Ripley would have a knife in his back within the next minute. It was safer for Ripley to phase out, with you proving your worth secretly, until you deemed it time to reveal yourself, after Ripley left.

“It’d be odd if all areas of your life were perfect in tandem,” Dr. Prine would remind you, and you’d affectionately flip her off and get back to writing your next Epiales piece. Deadlines were always too soon.

***

The Epiales project was the only thing going for you right now, aside from the sudden income from Holland. It began your final semester of law school, when you shouldn’t have been taking on anything new at all. You had written, quite frankly, a fucking astonishing article on modern feminism as it functions in the government and in law, and Dr. Prine had featured it in her law journal. You hadn’t wanted recognition, because your views differed drastically from your family’s, and you didn’t want your peers making fun of you, either. You’d decided on Epiales as your penname, because, even though you wanted to follow in the footsteps of political authors throughout history, you couldn’t find a Greek philosopher whose views you agreed with. So, you went with the personification of nightmares, just because it’d be your family’s worst nightmare if they knew you were this politically different from them.

Just as a joke.

But then, the New York Times had bought your article from Dr. Prine and published it on the front page. Eventually, through repetitions of this and an endless string of emails, you had a monthly feature in the fucking New York Times, so long as the article was original to their newspaper and not a republished one from the law journal. They conceded to your continued posting to the Epiales website on the basis that you posted online after they began selling that day’s edition. You didn’t care. You were in the New York Times, for Christ’s sake.

And no one knew it was you. You were completely safe, from hecklers, from your family, from disgusting men threatening to ruin your life and/or end it. You had taken too many precautions. Hell, if someone tried to trace your IP address, it’d relocate to the middle of a sulphur pit in Yellowstone.

Through a series of accidents, you garnered respect.

***

The day you should have been waiting for comments to roll in for your latest instalment on the refugee crisis, Tom Holland needed his lawyer present at a tennis match in the Hamptons. Holland intended to ensure political ties with Senator Hernandez, whose daughter was playing in the tennis tournament. A sizable crowd at a public outing, all distracted and getting steadily drunk? Holland could make his move easily.

Thus there you stood under the scant shade of a pine tree in the ninety-seven-degree heat, sweating through your jet-black blazer, sucking on a piece of ice, and damning Tom Holland to his grave. You glared daggers into the back of his pretty head as he leant against the railing of the pavilion, laughing with the crowd and swirling an old fashioned in his palm against the muted sounds of rackets hitting the ball in the background. When Harrison bent in to whisper to Holland, Tom took off his amber-tinted sunglasses and cleaned them on the inside of his suit jacket, and once finished, he nodded and started weaving his way through the spectators.

Holland wanted his lawyer here yet wasn’t doing anything worthwhile, you thought bitterly. You were too good for him, really, because you’d planted yourself near Senator Hernandez’s bench as he watched his daughter. While Holland flirted, you were eavesdropping and sweating your fucking skin off.

Near the end of the second set, you caved and shrugged off your blazer when you caught the latter half of something Hernandez was saying: “—read it? It’s brilliant. Next time Congress is in session, I’m bringing in that Epiales article.”

Your jaw dropped, and so did the ice from your mouth. Your blazer hung limp from one hand, and you steadied yourself against the tree, your high heels sinking into the earth. Fumbling around for your phone, you barely had time to get to Dr. Prine’s contact entry before someone gently nudged your arm from behind with a glass tumbler, condensation sticking to your skin.

“You look like you’d rather be anywhere else but here,” said Tom Holland, his voice hot in your ear, while he’s standing a little too close for comfort and holding out an old fashioned identical to his, “I can offer a distraction, at the least.”

You don’t drink, but you took what was offered. “Am I that transparent?”

“Like glass, sweetheart. What’s bothering you?” He leant against the tree trunk, slumping a little, and tapped his index finger against his tumbler.

“Afraid I’ve been dragged here for work.”

“On a Saturday?”

You met his gaze, completely fixated on you through the amber sunglasses. “My boss is a bit of an ass.”

“Sounds like it,” Tom said, cracking a grin, “Forcing you to come to some silly tennis match on the hottest day of the month and flat-out ignoring you.”

“It’s better than putting me in a sundress and having me on his arm.” Like Polson did once that summer. You had kicked his ass, verbally, about it, but since he threatened to smear your name through the mud for the rest of your life, which he was capable of doing, it had to be done. “At least I’m here for a reason, supposedly.”

“Who treats his employees like that? Wouldn’t dream of it.” Tom brought his glass to his mouth as his eyes flicked up and down your body, taking his time about it. “Though I’d put you in a green sundress. Something that shows off your shoulders.”

“And I’d put you in navy, in something with a high neckline. Anything to accentuate those pretty-boy cheekbones you’ve got,” you said.

At this, he ran his tongue over his lower lip, pushed off the tree, and took a step closer to you. He may be enjoying it now, but this motherfucker would regret this conversation in about five minutes. To be honest, you were enjoying it a little too much. To have someone as powerful, confident, and attractive (the grey tweed suit buttoned over a tight, white button-down was doing things to you) as Tom was having his complete, unadulterated attention on you? It was a taste of something you denied yourself. But no matter how fast his charisma held you, it was time to wrap it up. You planned to work for this man a long time.

“Listen,” said Tom, “Why don’t I give you a tour of the country club?” He trailed two fingers from your wrist over the back of your hand to take your drink. “It’s not much, but we’ll get you into some air conditioning. We could find a place to talk without anyone overhearing, if you like.”

You rolled your shoulders back, and for the first time, you began to smile. “Hardly professional, Holland. To think I expected better of you.”

He blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Shouldn’t you be giving this attention to Senator Hernandez’s daughter? It’ll be easier to get to him through her.”

And there it was: his face hardened, his eyebrows furrowing and lips puckering very slightly, the brief clenching of his jaw and the flush around the tops of his ears—the face your opponents got in court when your research that would pack the case into a tight box was brought to the stand. “Who are you?” Tom asked flatly.

“You’re going to have to work for that information, Holland,” you said, “Be careful about how you respond. As much as you should like to, you can’t make a scene with so many witnesses.”

“I own all of these people,” he said through his teeth.

“Go ahead, then,” you said, and you clasped your hand behind your back, waiting.

After a beat, Tom sighed exasperatedly and grabbed you by the wrist to pull you somewhere, but before he could take two steps, you yanked yourself out of his grasp. He didn’t even bother looking over his shoulder. “Are you going to follow me?”

“Are you going to hurt me?”

He turned his head enough to look you in the eye. “You’re going to talk.”

“And if I don’t?”

“You appear to know who I am. Use your imagination.” He jerked his head towards the country club’s restaurant, not far from the tennis courts. “C’mon.”

Death sounded good at all occasions for you, but since someone needed to feed your cat this evening, now wouldn’t be the best time to die. Not to mention you still had half a croissant left over from that morning, and you couldn’t let that go to waste. You followed behind Tom at a couple of paces, checking to ensure no one was watching you leave, because it sure looked like you were sneaking off to give him a blowjob behind the ice machine.

He made you go first once you reached the stairs to the upper storey restaurant, and he cornered you at the far end of the balcony, trapping you against the iron railing with the metal pressing into your back and his hands planted on either side of you. Tom stood close enough that you had to lean backwards a little over the railing, and you had to grip the railing just inside of his hands to stay upright.

His mouth twitched. “Why are you here?”

Your gaze flashed from his lips to his eyes. “I’m here to supervise the contract you’re making with Senator Hernandez, and I’m ensuring that he does sign it.”

“And why’s that?” When he jerked forward in an attempt to make you lose your balance, you stifled a cough at the wave of the oversaturated cologne that hit you.

“Like I said, my boss is a bit of an ass.”

“Damn it,” Tom said, breaking eye contact for the first time. Freshly determined, he moved closer, his hipbones poking into you with one hand gripping your waist. “Who’d be stupid enough to provoke me? Who do you work for? Fletcher? The Fratellis?”

“You,” you said, and you left your lips pursed as he flinched away from you and bent over the back of a wrought-iron chair, pressing his fist to his mouth.

“I’m your lawyer,” you said, stifling a smile, “I wrote the Hernandez contract. I’ve also been managing your affairs for some time now, specifically covering your tracks for fucking murder—”

“What’d you do to Ripley?” Tom straightened up and removed his sunglasses. He tucked them over his collar.

“Ripley’s gone,” you said, “of his own free will. Or of his will, at least, since he wasn’t free to leave under your—”

“Where is he now?”

“Sorry. Privileged information. What matters is that Ripley’s gone completely off-grid so that you can’t find him. Even I’m not able to reach him.” You tentatively slid from your corner along the railing nearer to the chair he had propped a foot on. “I’ve been working for you for over a month now. You really should keep better tabs on your employees—though, I suspect, that’ll be part of my job soon.”

Tom snapped his fingers twice. “Name.”

“Paul McCartney.”

He narrowed his eyes, his nose wrinkling in the process, and said, “Your name.”

You didn’t hesitate in saying it, a first for you, and as he mouthed the syllables slowly, you said, “And don’t bother looking me up. I don’t have any social media, nor do I have an online presence at all.” Under your real name, that is. “You can find me in a list of interns for a certain renown professor, but I’m about to give you that information, anyway.”

Tom stared up at you, a curl dangling in front of his eyes. “A freely given piece of personal information?” His fingertips pressed above his left lapel. “I’m touched,” he said, his voice dark.

“My mentor for the better part of my life now,” you said, stepping closer to drag the back of your hand over the iron pattern in Tom’s chair (he jolted backwards, just barely, but you caught it), “has been Tracey Prine.”

He tilted his head, and his jaw hung open slightly, his tongue lingering on the edge of his top incisors before clicking it against the roof of his mouth. “No, she hasn’t.”

“Want me to call her?” You dug your phone out of your pocket and unlocked it to her contact entry, just where it had been before Tom started talking to you. Your thumb waited above the call button for his decision, but whatever. Fuck with him. You pressed it anyway and put it on speaker.

It rang twice before she picked up, and at the sound of her voice stating your name and telling you she’s got a class in two minutes and to check on the Times (you didn’t react to that part), Tom inhaled sharply and straightened his shoulders.

“Not much, Dr. Prine, but I’m here with my employer,” you say, the phone lying flat in your palm between you and Tom, whose gaze flickered from it to you.

“Tell Mr. Holland I appreciate his work ethic and that he should value yours to no end,” she said, “I’ve got to go. Tonight?”

“Tonight,” you said, and you hung up on her.

“What’s…?” When you shook your head, he held out his hand. “Let me see your texts.” He swore under his breath as he scrolled through them, going through months and months of casework for notable trials, and he read the attachments you had sent recently. “Lab work, blood results. An ice pi—holy shit,” Tom said, the hand with the phone falling limply to his lap, “The Laurens trial. You.” The corner of his mouth twitched before breaking into a smirk. “You’re the one that solved everything. You’re that viper.”

Oh, my fuck; he’s heard of you. Tom Holland has heard about you. He’s familiar with your work. Oh, holy fuck. You held it all in for the moment, but if you made it home alive, you were going to marathon Star Wars and call in for takeaway. “That I am,” you said coolly, accepting your phone when he offered it, “and what does that mean for you, Mr. Holland?”

Any evidence of doubt about him evaporated, and his charisma returned almost instantly. He was smiling now, his teeth on display, and he leant towards you. “I want you at my side, Viper,” he said, his hands dangerously close to yours on the back of the iron chair, “I want you to do for me what you did for Laurens. Exclusively. I’ll be your only client. I want you to tear apart my enemies and pick their bones clean. I want you to be merciless, and I want you to be mine.”

That’s a lot of subtext you’ll be thinking about in the shower later. But show nothing; be nothing. “You want an awful lot.”

Tom took a deep breath and moved to sit on the wrought-iron table. “That’s why I’m giving you an out,” he said, crossing his arms loosely, “before you’re in. Because once you’re in, you can’t leave. I’ll make sure of that.”

You took a moment before clasping your hands behind your back and taking a step around the chair towards him. “I want my privacy.”

“I can’t guarantee that. I’ve got to keep a close eye on you, since Ripley slithered away,” he said, “You’re a shot in the dark despite your accomplishments.”

“You will guarantee it,” you said, leaning against the table with the iron pattern pressing into your palm, “Addresses, bank accounts, social security, everything that I don’t give you.”

Tom shook his head. “I can’t—”

“You will. It’s all I’m asking. I’ll be covering your dirty work from the world, so why can’t I hide mine?” It was your turn to be too close, for your breath to be hot against his skin as you said softly into his ear, “Tell me, Holland: are you afraid of the dark?”

tags: @presidentbttrflyfreak @magstorrn @imstarwarstrashokay @infamous-webhead @starksparker @starksmile @pparkerwrites @softspideys @spidereyhes @bi-writes @iron-spiderr @laurfangirl424 @wheremyotpat @valar--m0rghulis @upsidedownparker @hollandroos

#tom holland #fic #tom holland/reader #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagine #tom holland fic #tom holland fanfic #tom holland fanfiction #mob tom #mob!tom #mob!tom holland #mob au #DASH IT ALL #viper au

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shredsandpatches · 6 years

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I got this automated message this morning from a place where I applied for a job last week:

(the redactions were not there originally, I just don’t feel like sharing my job search details with tumblr)

Anyway I feel like you should not make your first paragraph in a rejection letter sound that chipper, because then it shows up in the email preview and it kinda makes it sound like an interview request until you get through the lengthy first sentence of the next paragraph. Granted, in my experience interview requests usually have actual people as the sender rather than automated HR systems, but still.

#i mean this was not a job i was excited about #but i could do it and it would have paid decently #and i wouldn't have had to worry about moving to michigan when my lease runs out

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snally · 6 years

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lol just got my rejection email from [redacted] I knew I wasn’t gonna get it but still 😑 kinda just mad my family made me apply in the first place. I know they’re trying to help but I told them I wasn’t qualified for any of the positions and they’re still like “aw bummer” 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

#also i feel like i made my aunt look bad lol ugh ;-(

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bryanlanders · 3 years

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Confessions of Professional Rejector

"Can I get a meeting?"

It turns out that when your job is to give away money to companies with no customers and an unfinished product, a lot of people are interested in talking to you.

Being a venture capitalist is weird. Have you ever heard that investors only say yes 1% of the time? Now imagine what it’s like to live through the other 99%.

Founders ask investors for a meeting in their very first interaction. It’s jarring to get cold Twitter DMs with zero preamble or context, a paragraph (or many) about their startup, and then an ask for your time.

"Bryan, we are trying to change the fact that 90% of all [redacted] lose money. When do you have time for a meeting?"

"Wanna help us with intros to Tier 1 funds? We just got a US patent granted and want to start ASAP. Let's jump on Zoom and discuss"

"Bryan, would you be willing to look at my deck for a psychedelic clinic?"

"[5 long paragraphs...] Kindly help me actualise my dream"

When I stepped into a VC role, I learned quickly that there aren’t enough hours in the day to accept every meeting request and still do other necessary work and live life. I had to refine my criteria for who I want to spend time with, and then get ruthless about turning down all other requests to survive.

Some VCs try to do things that better scale, like having an application process, hosting office hours, or appearing on podcasts and panels. Others create more friction by requiring warm intros, never answering emails, and ghosting founders mid-conversation. Saying no is a big part of the job, regardless of how you manage it.

When you look at a no as a rejection, it can feel horrible. It's not easy to ask someone for time or money, especially when it might result in keeping your company alive a bit longer. It's even worse when you don't learn why your request was declined because your mind will make up stories about what might have happened.

I came up with a metaphor that helps me reframe things. I try to look at it more like the way attraction works in nature. Take bees and flowers, for example.

Bees want nectar for energy and pollen for protein. Flowers want bees to land on them, get pollen stuck on them, and then go pollinate other same-trait flowers.

Some bees are only attracted to specific flowers with yellow and purple petals. Pink flowers don't sit around feeling bad that these bees ignore them. They just wait for the bees that are a match for them.

Finding investors, co-founders, and employees is like that. It’s about finding the right relationship at the right time. There are a lot of people and a lot of opportunities out there and they won’t all be the right fit for you. But you still have to get out there and smell the flowers if you expect to make any honey. This metaphor is tired now and needs to go to bed. Sorry it didn’t work out for us to have a meeting.

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mr-michael-kyle · 3 years

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A dark web cybercriminal who advertised hitmen for hire was so spooked by a request from a young Washington state woman—who wished her married lover’s wife dead—that he gave her up to the feds.

That’s according to an FBI search warrant affidavit unsealed this week, which details a surreal plot originating with a chance encounter at an event hosted by Landmark, a self-help group with roots in the 1970s, which has been labeled as a sort of “cult-lite” by some. The case centers on a philandering husband and his jealous lover, who planned on using her college money to have the man’s wife murdered.

Far from being disturbed by the revelation, when the man—identified in court filings solely as “J.M.”—found out about the plot against his wife, he “saw the behavior as an indication of her dedication and affection for him,” according to the affidavit.

The unsealed warrant—which The Daily Beast has redacted to withhold the suspect’s identify as she has not yet been formally charged—targets email addresses that the young lover used to register a Facebook account and talk with J.M., and contact financial institutions and a cashier at her community college. A source with firsthand knowledge of the case stated the investigation has been delayed as a result of COVID-19, however stated it’s still ongoing.

The alleged plot to have J.M.’s wife killed first came to the FBI’s attention on Feb. 12, 2020, when the bureau’s National Threat Operations Center obtained an anonymous tip from a ProtonMail account by way of an IP address associated with a VPN in Phoenix, Arizona. The tipster identified themselves as the administrator of a website on the dark web that provided contract killings for a price. About a week earlier, a potential customer transferred $5,000 in Bitcoin to the service to have a hit carried out within the Seattle area, the informant claimed.

“Just kill her ASAP. I don’t care how just make sure she’s dead. I’d prefer if you shoot her in the head,” the client instructed, before adding that the victim worked for a corporation in Bellevue. She added, “I don’t know if that helps you in someway. She has a 3 year old son that she picks him up at 5 P.M. so she normally will get home around 5ish. Please don’t do anything to the boy. That’s all. Thanks[.] Send me a proof when the job’s carried out.”

The tipster informed federal agents that their hitman website was actually only a Bitcoin rip-off, and that “no actual murders had been committed” on behalf of anybody.

“I feel that all targets which were paid for are in danger,” the con artist with a conscience wrote the FBI. “Customers that pay to kill somebody show that they’re serious about killing that particular person[.] I must be in contact with you and to give you the target info, payments proof, and other info to trace the customers. Customers don’t give their name or details and conceal their IP, however still could be tracked.”

The site administrator sent a photograph of the intended victim to agents, one of whom happened to recognize her as somebody she had met before, the affidavit states. The following day, the FBI met with J.M.’s wife and informed her that someone wanted her dead. It’s unclear how the FBI agent knew of J.M.’s wife previously.

When agents asked whether she knew of anybody who’d want her dead, J.M’s wife started to think about people from her past. There was a “snippy” and “aggressive” former colleague from Phoenix, with whom she’d had a “turbulent relationship” and last saw in January 2020, however she didn’t believe that particular person would ever try to hurt her.

A decade earlier, J.M.’s wife continued, her husband sued his boss over a sexual harassment claim. She informed agents she “felt that it was unlikely that J.M.’s former employer would solicit her murder,” the affidavit states, “but stated it was possible as a result of ‘life altering’ nature of the situation.” J.M. was entangled in another lawsuit in 2019, his wife added, when J.M. was sued by a company that accused him of quitting to start his own business, in violation of a non-compete clause.

Aside from that, there wasn’t much else—except for one unusual incident that occurred two days before Christmas 2019.

In an interaction captured on J.M. and his wife’s Ring doorbell camera, a young woman appeared on their doorstep and asked for J.M. by name. When J.M.’s wife stated he wasn’t home, the woman stated she was really there to see her and asked if she might come inside. The wife locked the deadbolt, and when J.M. joined the conversation remotely, the young woman walked away. J.M. informed his wife he didn’t know the woman, and his wife figured the woman must have gotten J.M.’s name from a package addressed to him that had been sitting outside.

The agents then asked J.M.’s wife about her relationship with her husband. She stated it had been “strained for the last few years,” describing the issue as a “loss of passion” which had turned their marriage from a romance into more of a friendship. The emotional distance between them started in 2018, following J.M.’s attendance at a Landmark conference. That year, J.M. asked for a divorce, an idea his wife said she rejected “for the sake of their son,” according to the affidavit. They started seeing a marriage counselor—online, because J.M. was too busy with work to do it in person. J.M.’s wife informed the agents she “had not had an extramarital affair and didn’t believe her husband had either.”

The FBI interviewed J.M. the same day. He claimed he couldn’t think of anybody who would want to kill his wife, the affidavit states.

“When describing his job, J.M. said that he has ‘great relationships with people at work,’ his clients ‘love’ him, he ‘just had a big win’ earlier in the day, and doesn’t believe he makes enemies,” the filing adds. “He said the ‘only major points of serious contention are that lawsuit against me and that thing out in Phoenix,’” referring to the old co-worker with whom his wife hadn’t gotten along.

Asked if he was having an affair, J.M. initially lied. He later admitted he met “somebody” at Landmark that “really liked” him. J.M. stated he took his first Landmark course in 2018, attended a second in 2019, and started a 3rd however dropped out at his wife’s request because it was keeping him away from home. His younger admirer was a college student, J.M. advised the agents, and stated they’d had a sexual relationship lasting “six months or so, a couple times, here and there,” the affidavit states.

“He claimed the romantic relationship ended in August 2019. J.M. stated he last saw [the young woman] in January of 2020, when she informed him she still loved him,” the document explains. J.M. stated he had helped the woman out with money a couple of times, including earlier that month, when he gave her $2,000 after she stated her parents lost their life savings in a burglary. However, she “gave him no indication of being a threat,” J.M. insisted.

On Valentine’s Day 2020, an FBI agent interviewed the college student. She stated the last time she saw J.M. was three weeks prior, when they traveled to Portland, Oregon, for an evening. J.M.’s secret girlfriend stated she was unaware at first that he was married, according to the affidavit. When she found out, J.M. told her that he “couldn’t stand his wife,” but that she had cancer and he couldn’t leave her.

But the younger woman told agents she unearthed pictures online of J.M. and his wife that appeared to contradict his story. After first denying she took steps to have J.M.’s wife murdered, the woman allegedly confessed to soliciting the hit. She then claimed she got nervous and tried to delete the transaction after submitting it, but was unable to do so.

“When asked if she [hoped] J.M. would come live with her as soon as his wife was killed, [the young woman said] ‘…yeah,’” the affidavit states.

Indeed, the younger woman told agents she tried to sabotage their marriage. Before showing up at J.M.’s home in December 2019, she created a fake Facebook account under the name “Katlyn Everson” and sent the wife messages saying J.M. was having an affair.

“I know it because I know the particular person he’s cheating on u with,” Katlyn wrote, according to the affidavit. “If u dont believe me, they’re gonna meet up today at the Kizuki Ramen restaurant in Olympia at 4:30 PM. You can prove it by yourself.”

But J.M.’s wife apparently never saw these messages.

The FBI returned to J.M. for more info in March 2020, since his initial statements didn’t add up. In his second interview, J.M. admitted that he had previously lied to agents when he denied recognizing the younger woman in the Ring footage; at the time, he didn’t want his wife to find out about his extramarital relationship.

J.M. informed investigators that he spoke to the girlfriend shortly after she visited his Bellevue residence unannounced, and asked why she did it. She told J.M. “she was there to kill [his wife] and that she brought a knife along with her as a way to accomplish the murder,” the affidavit states.

Soon after that interview, J.M.’s lover lawyered up and met with the FBI to discuss making a deal. For her part, the woman claimed she never meant to kill her lover’s wife and wasn’t armed during their encounter. She stated she only told J.M. this because she was upset.

She added that J.M. had previously “made comments about wanting to kill his wife and once asked [her] if she knew anybody” willing to do the job.

The woman told authorities that their affair, which started in the summer of 2018, “ebbed and flowed,” and that she’d dumped J.M. a number of times because she was annoyed by his refusal to leave his wife. She claimed J.M. informed her they couldn’t be together until his spouse “died or something happened,” the affidavit alleges.

Over the course of their relationship, she stated, J.M. had a litany of other excuses: the wife had cancer, he was afraid of losing custody of his child, his wife had threatened to kill herself in the past when he threatened her with divorce.

After the couple reunited in the fall of 2019, the college student made plans to end J.M.’s marriage by way of the murder-for-hire plot. She stated she’d used $2,000 that J.M. sent her through PayPal, as well as college scholarship cash to solicit the spouse’s execution.

The young woman stated she and J.M. went out to dinner following her unannounced appearance at his house in December 2019.

“J.M. asked why [she] went to his house, and [she] informed him that she went there to kill [his wife],” the affidavit states. “[She] said that she didn’t actually intend to kill [J.M.’s wife], and was not armed when she went to the house, but told J.M. this because she was upset. [The young woman] claimed that J.M. wasn’t angry but instead saw the conduct as a sign of her dedication and affection for him.”

In order to pursue the murder plot, the woman informed agents, she used an old cellphone she’d obtained from her pastor, then used it to download an application to access the dark web. According to the affidavit, the student surfed reviews of websites providing hitmen—whose services included beating, maiming, or killing victims, she stated—and requested price quotes before landing on the alleged Bitcoin scammer. She chose the Phoenix killer because their website “had an escrow system, giving her a sense of security that her funds wouldn’t be stolen,” the filing states.

The gal pal instructed the phony hitman to not hurt the wife’s child and sent them the victim’s Facebook profile image and address. She’d release the funds, she stated, as soon as she had photographic proof that the victim had been murdered.

Weeks went by, and J.M.’s wife was still alive, the young woman informed the FBI. She contacted the “hitman” through their website and asked what was happening. The scammer, who claimed they by no means really planned on carrying out the assassination, provided an excuse: The hitman they hired for the job had been arrested, so they had been searching for another person to pull it off.

Needless to say, it never happened. The search warrant was executed last April, and filed in court this week, showing that FBI agents mined two of the woman’s email accounts for further clues and proof concerning the aborted hit.

The young woman was unable to be reached. Her lawyer isn’t identified in the filing and isn’t listed in court records.

There have been myriad reports of attempted murder-for-hire plots hatched by way of the dark web in recent years, though a majority of them end up being scams. In each of the instances, men paid online goons several thousand {dollars} in Bitcoin. Around the same time J.M.’s girlfriend was looking for an assassin, CBS 48 Hours highlighted the case of a Minnesota teenager whose British gamer ex-boyfriend had ordered her murder online by way of a mysterious dark net fraudster referred to as “Yura.”

In April, The Every day Beast reported on the case of Spokane physician Ronald Ilg, who’s facing criminal charges for trying to hire dark web killers to assault a former employee and kidnap and extort his wife. Police say journalists from an unnamed news organization foiled Ilg’s plans. One month later, reporters disrupted another alleged murder-for-hire, this time in Beverly Hills. Scott Quinn Berkett, 24, is charged with attempting to orchestrate the killing of a woman he met on a Facebook anime fan page.

#murderplot #darkweb #murderforhire #usanews #worldnews

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newsmanmdgn · 3 years

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Bill Barr Bombshell!

Federal Judge Amy Berman Jackson puts the hammer on Former Attorney General William Barr

(CNN) A federal judge this week rejected the Justice Department's attempts to keep secret a departmental opinion to not charge former President Donald Trump with obstruction at the end of the Mueller investigation, calling the administration's lawyers “disingenuous.”

The department had argued in court that the largely redacted March 2019 memo was legal reasoning that helped then-Attorney General William Barr make a decision about Trump. But federal Judge Amy Berman Jackson said she believed Barr and his advisers had already decided they wouldn't charge the President with a crime before he got the written advice, and the memo was partly strategic planning instead of legal reasoning — and therefore could be made public.

CNN Politics

He lied. Plain and simple. “Disingenuous” is federal judge-speak for “You're a lying bastard and you really should not have done that in MY COURT!”

Bill Barr BOMBSHELL!

More here and here. Rachel Maddow had a very detailed breakdown of what transpired when Barr whitewashed the Mueller Report.

youtube

Ex President is still banned from Facebook

Facebook’s Oversight Board upheld the social network’s decision to ban Trump

Facebook’s Oversight Board on Wednesday upheld the social network’s decision to ban former president Trump four months after the Capitol riot, but also faulted the social network for making a decision without clear criteria.

Facebook banned Trump indefinitely following the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol, citing posts that it said encouraged violence.

In its decision, the board agreed that Trump’s comments on the day of the insurrection “created an environment where a serious risk of violence was possible.” They pointed to calling the mob members “patriots,” “special,” and telling them to “remember this day forever.”

However, the expert panel also took issue with Facebook’s “indefinite” suspension of Trump, calling it “vague and uncertain.” It sent the decision back to Facebook and said it had six months to clarify Trump’s punishment and come up with a response that fits its known rules. It found Facebook didn’t use standard procedure in making its decision, and that the company had no published criteria for suspending a user indefinitely. The typical response for posting comments inciting violence is to remove the comment.

Washington Post

If you want a free 30-day subscription to the Washington Post, be the first to comment on this blog post the words “Yes, I want a free 30-day subscription to the Washington Post (copy and paste).” Make sure you leave a good email address because that's how I will contact you.

Liz Cheney is still a Republican and still the daughter of Tricky Dick Cheney

So I would not trust her, ever. But she's right (of course) when she says the 2020 presidential election was not stolen.

The 2020 presidential election was not stolen. Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system.

— Liz Cheney (@Liz_Cheney) May 3, 2021

But it doesn't matter to the rabid MAGA Deplorables: They want her gone, saying she can't possibly stay on message if she doesn't agree with the idea that Trump got cheated.

(CNN) Rep. Liz Cheney's days as the No. 3 in House GOP leadership appear to be numbered, with speculation growing about her replacement and House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy contending she has failed to do her job in driving the party's message to take back the majority.Cheney has grown increasingly isolated within her conference amid her feud with former President Donald Trump, a battle that intensified after she was one of just 10 Republicans who backed his impeachment on a charge of inciting the January 6 insurrection and as she's called out his lie that he actually won the 2020 election.

CNN

More here.

I have to admit it's fun watching the snake head eat the snake tail.

U.S. birth and fertility rates in 2020 dropped to another record low

Births fell for the sixth consecutive year to the lowest levels since 1979, the CDC said.

The U.S. birth rate is so low, the nation is “below replacement levels,” meaning more people die every day than are being born, the CDC said.

Source: CDC via CNBC

I guess we can blame Obama for this, since the precipitous decline began on his watch. #ThanksObama.

Two Asian women stabbed in downtown San Francisco

Authorities arrested a man who they say is suspected of stabbing two Asian women without warning in downtown San Francisco on Tuesday.

Officers were sent to 4th and Stockton streets shortly before 5 p.m. and found the wounded women, who were taken to a hospital, according to The Associated Press. There was no immediate word on their conditions.

Witnesses told KPIX-TV that a man clutching a knife was walking down Market Street when he approached a bus stop, stabbed the women, and then walked away.

Police didn't immediately indicate whether the women were specifically targeted or whether the attack might be a hate crime.

USA Today

Let's get this trending on twitter: #ThanksTrump

The Pentagon is tracking an out of control Chinese rocket expected to crash into Earth

Jonathan McDowell, an astrophysicist at the Astrophysics Center at Harvard University, told CNN, “the risk that it will hit you is incredibly tiny. And so I would not lose one second of sleep over this.”

Because the Pacific Ocean covers so much of the Earth, the debris will likely splash down in Pacific waters somewhere, he said.

McDowell also adjusted the time period when the debris is expected to arrive to between May 8 and 10.

CNET

The Good News: Most of the rocket will burn up in the atmosphere.

The Bad News: Bits and pieces could still fall on your house.

You have rocket-re-entry insurance, right? (Running to phone to call insurance agent…)

The article was originally published here! Bill Barr Bombshell!

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