#good news: the image recovery is my best friend

[carrion-art]

A Self Portrait

[grapementos]

perseverance

aged up bakugo x reader

pt. 3 to this

numerous panic attacks had ensued since you were discharged from the hospital, but not all of them reached their final stages like the first had.

you’d grown better at grounding yourself and having some semblance of control over your anxiousness. slowly but surely, you felt the pain ebbing away.

it would never be gone completely, you knew, and every day you questioned the possibility of things being different.

what if katsuki hadn’t quit being a hero? what if he’d proposed just as he’d planned to? would your wedding have been beautiful? your marriage successful and healthy?

there were so many what ifs that hurt your heart just to think about.

yet, all you did was think about it—in the best, healthiest way.

you set aside your pride and fears and confided not only in your friends, but in a therapist. you had sessions weekly, and every time you walked out of the office, you felt a little lighter.

for the first time, you understood that it was okay to still love katsuki, to still want to be with him. in fact, they initially expressed how they wished the two of you had tried couples therapy before everything went south.

that was another what if that hurt.

you were always the more rational, levelheaded one. why hadn’t you thought of it, encouraged it? would it have made a difference? those thoughts kept you awake at night, haunting your mind and mocking you with images of a perfect life with katsuki. the life you could've had.

those thoughts were bumps in your path to recovery. it was only through those thoughts, however, that you learned that the road wasn't linear. you had amazing days when you felt strong and independent, days when you'd feel like you were in a colgate commercial. other days, you wanted to set your apartment on fire and disappear. you wanted to scream until your voice was gone, vocal chords torn to shreds. some days, you just wanted everything to stop.

through the good and the bad, you were able to persevere through the challenging navigation of a breakup. still, you granted yourself permission to still love him. to be in love with him. that love would never just vanish, you'd realized a few months into your journey. it dulled, flickered, and faded, but never vanished.

-

you'd found that implementing a routine in your daily life had greatly improved your overall mental health.

this morning, you turned on the news as you made yourself breakfast--a meal you forced yourself to consume, no matter how little it was.

as you grabbed what you needed from the cupboards, a name in the news had you pausing everything.

"...following his spontaneous philanthropic streak, former hero dynamight announces that he will be hosting a tell-all session at our local library. there, he intends to, quote, 'make amends with those i might have hurt with my words, actions, or lack thereof...' well, you heard it here. don't miss a valiant display of heroic vulnerability today at noon. in other news..."

you gaped at the tv, the glass bowl slipping from your suddenly clammy fingers.

philanthropic streak? where had you been?

the sound of the glass breaking reached your ears a whole minute after it hit the ground, snapping you out of your dumbfounded stupor.

"shit," you cursed, crouching down to pick up the pieces.

no, don't even think about it.

you looked at the clock, reading 8 as the time. plenty of time for you to get dressed and go.

no.

you could easily make it in time and sit in the back, just to see him and hear what he had to say.

no.

you'd wear something inconspicuous and hide in the back, just being silent. and then you'd leave, after ten minutes.

no.

every no carried a little bit of yes at the end of it, forcefully dragging you out of the kitchen and into the bathroom for a shower. it was closure, you argued to yourself, closure that you desperately needed.

it's going to be excuses, nothing but lies.

dark clothes are the best choice, you decided, anxiously changing into something you deemed inconspicuous. just ten minutes, it was all you needed.

don't throw all your progress away for ten minutes.

you stared at the mirror, trying to find a single good reason to stay home. yet, every thought in your mind convinced you that this, this is what you needed. you needed to hear him express his regret, his remorse to other people. people who once trusted and supported him in his endeavors, only to be woefully let down by his bouts of anger.

this will just make you hurt more. don't do this.

you discarded every invasive voice in the back of your brain and found yourself at the library come noon, hidden behind a bookshelf. you browsed the shelves with unseeing eyes, thoughts drowned out by the low murmur of the large crowd seated in front of the small stage in the center.

the library was home to many plays around the city, which you found ironic. would this be another display of dramatism and lies?

just as you found a book with a flattering cover, the mic whined with a little feedback.

"sorry about that."

you knew the voice, but the genuineness was foreign to you. you peeked over the row of books, your blood running cold as you saw katsuki sitting meekly on a chair on the stage.

"hello, everyone. i'm, uh, i'm bakugo katsuki, but most of you might know me as dynamight," he began, scanning the crowd, "a lot of you might not be fond of me based, um, based on my time as a hero."

many voices mumbled in agreement at that, which made him laugh, just the slightest. it made your chest swell with pride he didn't deserve.

"and i really don't blame you. i carried a lot of my immaturity from high school into adulthood. my biggest problem was that i saw heroism as a means to an end, a," he motioned with his hands, trying to find the words, "a stepping stone to being 'the best'--whatever that means. and i got lost in my obsession with my image."

you listened intently, at least half sure that you were listening to a complete stranger talk. the katsuki you knew had nowhere near this much humility.

"with that being said, my first apology goes to you, the people of this beloved city. you deserved someone who had your best interest at heart, and i'm sorry that couldn't be me. but, rest assured, i am very familiar with the current top ten and can say with confidence that they are the heroes you deserve."

you found yourself tearing up at his words, so awestruck by the complete 360 in his persona.

the crowd cheered at his words, as pleasantly surprised with his chanage as you were.

"thank you," he chuckled when the crowd quieted down, "next, i'd like to apologize to my friends and family. they definitely got some of the worst of it. for years, they suggested therapy for the anger that i just couldn't seem to control. and for years, brushed them off, over and over again. i insisted that my anger was fuel for my quirk, when in reality, it was detrimental. dangerous. so, mom, dad, all my friends, i'm sorry it took me so long to take your advice. thank you for standing by me."

you werent sure if the session was being broadcasted, but you sure hope it was. kirishima, mina, sero, and denki deserved to hear it. more than that, you were shocked to discover that he'd also been in therapy. so he really meant it..

another round of applause.

"last, and most important," he sucked in a sharp breath, "i'd like to apologize to the love of my life."

you stilled, as if a bucket of cold water had been poured over your head. no, no way.

"i spent three amazing years with the only person i could ever see myself loving. they were the most patient, the most kind person you could ever imagine. they stood by me during every slandering headline, every angry episode, every single ugly moment. they were there."

you covered your mouth and crouched down to the floor, squeezing you eyes shut. no, hell no, you refused to cry.

he exhaled shakily, rubbing a sweaty palm against his jeans, "they were devoted to me, to us. i'd be nothing without their impact on my life, and i've done the worst job at showing it. i," he stammered, scrunching his eyebrows together, "i ruined what we had, and i've never regret anything more. i know all the philanthropy and therapy and apologies in the world can never take back my insensitivity, but i will never stop being sorry, and i swear i'll grow every day."

you had to clamp your hand harder over your mouth to prevent any sniffles or sobs from escaping and alerting everyone to your presence. his words were so genuine, so wholehearted that you knew he truly had changed.

"i'll love them forever, regardless of if they hate me. with that love, i'll destroy any semblance of the douchebag-asshole-monster i used to be." he smiled out to the crowd as a final goodbye, "thank you, everyone. you don't owe me your forgiveness, but i hope you'll consider forgiving me one day."

people clapped, whistled, cheered for him as he turned off the mic.

meanwhile, your heart was racing. you didn't have a single coherent thought in your mind other than the fact that he loved you. he loves you.

he wasn't begging or crying this time, his acts weren't out of desperation. he was completely and totally vulnerable in front of a group of people that he didn't even know included you.

as people flooded out of the library, you shakily pushed yourself to your feet. what now? how could you possibly be expected to walk all the way to your car and drive home in this state of mind?

with a quick breathing technique your therapist taught you, you calmed down enough to get your hands to stop trembling.

katsuki had started helping the security guards pick up and stack the chairs, making small talk with them as they cleaned up the area.

you wiped at your cheeks, hoping they weren't too blotchy. with a quiet breath, you silently crept away from behind the bookshelf and toward the exit.

unfortunately, your far-from ninja-like skills couldn't get past the years of hero instincts engraved in every muscle fiber of katsuki's body.

"y/n?"

you froze, shoulders tensing as you slowly turned around.

"hey, bakugo," you cleared your throat, averting your eyes, "that was, uh, that was nice of you. good job."

there was something undetectable in his face, something you couldn't put your finger on, "oh, thanks, i-" he stepped closer, but stopped when he sensed your hesitance, "i didn't expect to see you here."

"i didn't expect to be here." you said honestly, fidgeting with your fingers, "but i should, uh, probably get going."

he opened and shut his mouth a few times before he sighed and nodded, "okay. but i really meant it, you know? everything i said."

fuck, you were going to cry again. you didn't want to, not in front of him.

"i know." you nodded, "i don't.. hate you, you know? we both had issues that we chose to resolve separately."

"i just wish," he sighed, looking for the words, "i wish that was't the case."

you couldn't hold in your tears anymore, a few cascading down your cheek, but you quickly wiped them away.

"i know." you swallowed hard, trying to prevent your voice from doing that embarrassing, high-pitched crack, "i do too."

he opened his arms, offering a hug and you just couldn't say no. the space was so perfectly carved for you.

you hugged him tight, burying your face into his shoulder.

"i'm so sorry, y/n. i'm sorry for everything." he whispered into your hair, his voice wet with tears, "i never deserved you."

you just cried harder, knuckles white as you gripped onto the back of his shirt. you wanted to speak, to reassure him that it wasn't completely his fault, but you couldn't pause for a breath long enough to say a single word.

instead, the two of you dropped to the ground, arms wrapped around each other with a desperation that you only feel for each other. a once-in-a-lifetime desperation.

the two of you cried and held each other, and somehow you knew everything was going to be okay.

and this concludes the triology! thank you for the overwhelming support on this series that wasn't even meant to be a series!

taglist: @blackout-ice-biohazard @survivorofmath @iam-thevillain-of-thisstory @odessa-is-my-queen @firesmokeandashes @valentineshiftz @sil-ver-shadow @echosfadve

[zushigirl]

In honor of Come What May…a three part story of how I wish things would turn out… Enjoy! I’ll be posting the full story on AO3 as we go :)

I Take My Coffee Black: Part I

Now…Metro General

“What the hell is this crap?”

Frank practically spits the hot liquid back into the flimsy white paper cup.

“Get off your high horse. It’s Folger’s Instant. Same stuff we used to drink in the desert.”

Curtis takes a sip of his own coffee, studying Frank under the brim of his USMC baseball cap. Curt’s blood shot eyes are a dead giveaway that he – like most of New York – have been up all night. Watching with bated breath as Daredevil and a host of superheroes take on Fisk’s minions.

With a sigh, Frank takes another sip of his coffee. “Goddamn - ”

He hisses slightly, the cut on his lip stinging. Curt had done his best to patch up both Frank and Red after the firefight with Bullseye. Makeup covered most of Frank’s bruises, but it couldn’t conceal the worry in his eyes. He can tell by the way his former medic keeps glancing at him… then at the door across the way.

“This is the best Metro General can afford?” he growls, trying to distract himself.

“At 0500? Yes, it is.”

Frank frowns, looking down the stark pale green hallway. Men and women in blue scrubs walk by at a leisurely pace. Unaffected. Unaware that the bravest, ballsiest woman on the planet is in critical care. Recovering from a gunshot wound.

Mourning the loss of her best friend.

“Foggy!”

He can still hear her scream the Counselor’s name. He can feel her panic, panic he never wanted her to feel. David’s feed made it sound like they were two feet away… instead, it took twenty minutes to get to the bloodbath. Even with Lieberman driving like a maniac.

Goddamnit, we should have gotten there sooner.

His eyes trace the entrance of the recovery room. One of those flimsy blue hospital curtains blocks a small window above the door handle. An added layer of privacy. Damn thing feels more suffocating than any red line.

“She’s gonna be fine,” Curt assures him. “They patched up the exit wound and the broken rib. That maniac may be an expert marksman, but she beat him at his own game.” He pauses before adding, “Karen Page must be a pretty special woman…to make you choose here instead of another war.”

You could choose…you could just choose…

Ocean eyes flicker in his memory. Why hadn’t he told her the truth that day, when he was the one in the hospital bed? He thought leaving her was the right thing. He thought…

Frank stares blankly into the distance as he takes another sip of bland coffee and tries not to think about what could have happened.

Thank god Karen clipped Bullseye’s right hand. The fucker was in custody now. Good thing too. If that psychopath ever made it out of prison…none of Red’s preaching would keep Frank from unleashing hell on Benjamin Poindexter.

Red…

The warble of Channel Five news can be heard from the TV at one of the nursing stations. A flicker of worry rises in Frank’s belly. He wants to be pissed at Red but at the same time…

“You were right Frank. I was just one bad day away. Please don’t let her’s get any worse.”

He can’t shake the hollow sound in Matt Murdock’s voice off of him. Can’t shake the image of the other man standing there in blood. His best friend’s blood. Karen’s blood.

Fuck.

“Mr. Castiglione?”

He turns. A new nurse has come on shift, name tag reads Temple. Her dark brown eyes hover on his cut lip. He gets the impression she takes no bullshit.

“Yes ma’am?”

The nurse sighs, pursuing her lips.

“Karen’s going to be okay.”

She says the name with a warm familiarity. Frank immediately wonders how much this woman knows.

“Blood pressure and heat rate are stable. No signs of any complications from surgery.” Temple hesitates… “Your wife’s a fighter for sure.”

Frank doesn’t meet Curt’s gaze, just prays the other man’s eyes aren’t bursting out of their sockets. There hadn’t had time to brief him on the plan. He was just thankful David was quick to pull some strings. A fake marriage license and a passport may be their only ticket to safety.

The woman pauses, eyes narrowing in the silence.

“I know I haven’t been back in town that long, but I’m kinda miffed no one invited me to the wedding. Thought I would have heard about from Matt or Fog…”

She catches herself, sadness flashing across her face.

“Fuck…I’m sorry.”

“No – uh – he’d…he would have wanted all of Karen’s friends to know.” Frank feels his throat tightening. “He loved her too. Probably better than me or… Re…or Matt … if I’m being honest.”

He remembers the look of stricken panic on the Counselor’s face all those years ago. When he’d asked Karen to stay. What would the man’s reaction be to what he asks now?

An older nurse approaches, waving his clipboard at Temple. “She’s up,” he gestures towards Karen’s room. “Threatened to pull out her IV if I don’t get her a real cup of coffee. Told her it’s water only for the next twelve hours. She wasn’t happy.”

Frank chuckles despite himself. “Atta’ girl,” he murmurs.

“Are you coming, Mr. Castiglione?”

The way Temple sizes him up conveys that she trusts him even if she doesn’t believe his story.

He feels his pulse jump. They’d seen each other in the midst of the fight but they hadn’t spoken. Hadn’t spoken since that horrible day when she walked out of his hospital room barefoot. What could he say to her? How could he possibly ask her to –

“She’s waiting, Frank.” Curt’s voice is one of gentle reassurance.

He takes a deep breath, turns on his heels, the stops. “Curt… go home. You’ve done enough. I’ll stand the watch.”

His friend frowns. “You sure man?” I don’t mind staying.”

Frank pauses before answering, a memory flickering in his mind’s eye. Karen and Nelson, sitting at the hipster coffee shop across from their law firm. Sipping coffee and going over case notes. He’d watched from the roof two streets over, not proud to admit the number of times he’d checked on Karen from afar.

“Proof Coffee opens at 0800. Can you come back tomorrow morning with a real damn cup? Make that two. She takes hers black with a sprinkle of cinnamon.”

The nurse seems impressed that he knows Karen’s drink of choice. Curt has enough ware with all to keep a neutral face.

“I’m on it. I’ll let Lieberman know your staying here. See you in 27 hours.”

He spins on his heels and walks down the hall.

Frank watches him go, then follows nurse Temple across the waiting area. She opens the door to the recovery room, pushing back that damn blue curtain quietly. Then she gestures for Frank to step in front of her.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The sound of the vitals monitor is a steady hum. It’s oddly comforting.

And terrifying.

It means Karen is awake. It means he’s about to speak to her for the first time in… far too long.

He finds the courage to look forward and he sees her. Sitting upright in the bed. Face turned to the window. The sunrise casting her in a celestial glow. Her expression is a haunted one Frank knows all too well…but not the shock of someone who’s new to trauma.

He realizes in that moment that his gut instinct was right. Karen’s felt this kind of pain before.

“Karen, your husband is here.” Temple’s voice is gentle.

A quiet feels the air. Time stops. In the void, Frank wonders if his heartbeat is loud enough for Red to hear all the way across Manhattan.

He watches Karen turn her head. Watches her eyes widen in confusion at the word husband. Then recognition. Then something he’s too scared to name.

They’re both silent for a moment, not noticing as the nurse slips out. Then tears are welling in Karen’s eyes and Frank is falling to his knees by her hospital bed.

“Hey, hey,” he chokes out. “I lied. I lied. Okay? That day…Karen…”

Soft fingers grab his trembling ones. He places his free palm over hers, holding with two hands now.

“I know you lied, you asshole,” Karen says between sobs. “You’re such an asshole…but I…” Her ocean eyes are bright with the words they won’t say yet.

“Yeah,” he laughs. “Yeah, I am.”

“Please tell me you brought real coffee.”

The sound of footsteps silences Frank’s answer.

*

27 hours later…

“I’ll take three drip coffees,” Curtis Hoyle smiles at the barista, waiting for a response.

The bleary-eyed girl with wild auburn tinted hair and a cut-off t-shirt reading MJ just blinks at him.

“Cool. You want room for milk or cream?”

“No…uh…actually, can you sprinkle some cinnamon in one of them.”

The girl gives a half nod as Curtis swipes his card. He sighs, stepping to the side of the cheerful yellow counter. He knows he’s getting old, but whoever Proof Coffee’s manager is could have done a better job with hiring. MJ has the bedside manner of cardboard; not great for 0800 on a Thursday –

Piiinnnggg!

The girl passes three paper cups to Curt, hurriedly grabbing her phone from its charging station. He takes a few sips of his cup, watching her agitated movements.

“Peter! Jesus Christ! Is everyone okay…”

Her hazel eyes widen in relief and Curtis feels guilty for judging her. MJ’s been worried.

“News. Alright. I’ll take a look. Be careful.”

The call’s barely over before the teen is swiping on her phone. Curtis takes a final swig of his own coffee while grabbing to-go lids, trying to look casual.

“Everything good? You seem a little stressed.”

MJ bobs her head, flipping her phone in Curtis’s face. Apple News.

“Shit,” Curtis mutters as he reads the screen.

He turns to leave, then thinks twice. Grabs the two coffees. He may need them as an excuse to sneak back into the hospital.

“Thank you, Miss!”

He leaves MJ staring at her phone. At the headline…

FRANK CASTLE, THE PUNISHER, REPORTEDLY SEEN AT METRO GENERAL.

[vimara00]

Hi everyone, it's Vi! ✨ Today I decided to write something with the trope "she fell first but he fell harder" because I can. Also, I wanna wish u a Merry Christmas!!! 🎅 🎄

Hope you enjoy! ❤️ (Again, sorry if there are any grammatical mistakes, english is not my first language 🙈)

Pd: It's gonna be a part 2

All characters reservations to Horikoshi

Warnings: jealousy

Too blind to see (Kirishima x F!reader)

(Image created with AI)

Kirishima and y/n have known each other since birth as both of their mothers were friends. They dreamed of the two of them getting along and, in an ideal future, getting married and giving them grandchildren, but it was too early for the last part. They became inseparable and did everything together; They went to the same kindergarten, same high school, and even managed to enter the UA. However, because of y/n "sanation" quirk, she was at another class. But that wasn't an impediment for seeing each other every day. And when she wasn't with Kirishima and his friends, she would be helping on the nursery as part of her training. Her mentor, Recovery girl, always said that she'll take her place when she retired, so y/n needed to work extra hard if she wanted to be able to save heroes' lives during battle.

Kirishima was y/n's number one fan; she was his muse, his rock, and his 'best friend' while for her...he was way more than that. She was in love with her best friend and came with the realisation, at a very young age, that he didn't see her as a potential partner so she kept her mouth shut for all this years, scared of rejection.

However, lately, Kirishima's been more protective than normal; At first, she thought it probably had something to do with the LOV's recent attack, but certain actions made her think otherwise...

The other day, Deku came in with new injuries, and because he was a regular patient, he talked a lot with y/n while she treated his wounds. They became very good friends as she was one of the few who knew of OFA. Kirishima hadn't noticed how close they were till he came in later that day to check on Midoriya and found them siting next to eachother (shoulders touching and being VERY VERY close for his liking) reading and talking about his notes. He was standing at the door annoyed by the scene happening in front of him, and suddenly, a new sensation came with it, one he couldn't put into words, but it felt similar to fear. Of what? He was yet to find out...

He decided enough was enough and entered the room, making his presence known. Izuku might have noticed the intense look Kirishima was giving him cause he tensed and moved a little so his body wasn't touching hers at all; He knew that, even though the redhead was such a great guy, when it came to her, he sure as hell would beat someone up just because that person looked the wrong way (Midoriya has seen it many times). Y/n didn't think much of it as she greeted him with a kiss on the cheek and kept doing some reports that Recovery girl has left for her. After she was done, they left so Izuku could rest, but not before she gave him a quick hug and said their goodbyes. Kirishima was rather quiet all the way to her doorm, and once they arrived, he said 'You are really close with Midoriya, ah?' 'Yes, he's a really nice guy! He comes almost every day so he's my favorite patient by now' His face turned into a frown to that and respond 'Is that so?' He hadn't stopped looking intensibly at her, and it was making the e/c girl nervous. <Why does he sound like he's jealous?> The girl was wondering when suddenly, he grabbed her forearm gently so her body was now facing him. His eyes were no longer on her but the floor, and he whispered 'I don't like you being that friendly with him. I'm supposed to be the one who receives your hugs and the one you tend their wounds of!' He paused for a few seconds and finally looked at her as he continued 'I don't like sharing your attention or you affection. I know it's selfish but lately, when I see you with others, it hurts and it annoys me...I feel kind of left out and I don't like it one bit' Someone would of assumed this 'sensations' Kirishima was having were of pure jealousy or envy because of the threaten of her finding someone else and that this might have been his confession but no. He's convinced himself, and her, that it was his mission as a 'big bro' that he needed to be sure the guy she settled for was a nice one. That night, both of them went to sleep with a huge weight of their hearts. Y/n because she realized that nothing has changed and that she'd always be his friend no matter how cute she dressed or how mature she acted, she'd never be his first option. As for him... He felt his chest tighten at the thought of her being with some other dude.

The next few days, he did everything in his power to not let Midoriya or any other of his friends near y/n, but he couldn't control everyone for too long, could he? It wasn't long enough until UA most handsome guy, had to pay a visit to the nursery and even took the chance to invite her to endeavors agency to work with them. She was very excited to tell him about what happened and that she accepted their offer, but Kirishima had to pretend that he was happy when he actually was feeling sad)?

Since then, mister cute face has spent too much time with her and did everything together; from eating lunch to going on missions alone and then having dinner at his house (Midoriya and Bakugou were there too but still) The redhead was going crazy to say the least. However, he began to wonder if these emotions were similar to the ones a brother would have for his little sister or more like a boyfriend would have for his girl. The word 'jealousy' came along with those thoughts and so he understood why he got so annoyed and anxious whenever she was with someone else or how worried he got by just the idea of her having a boyfriend or even marrying someone; marrying someone who wasn't him. He was in love with her! All this time, he actually thought he was doing the right thing by being protecting her from praying eyes but he was just keeping her to himself instead. He realized how mistaken he had been and needed to make his intentions clear for her even if she rejected him. He just needed to find the right time

....

Part 2 in a few days 😉

[fuck-your-proana-blog]

Your account inspired and motivated me to unfollow the bajillion pro ED tags I was following, unfollow/block all those pro ED accs I was following, and block all the pro ED tags. I feel so strange (/pos) and free. My dash is filled with stuff that ACTUALLY made me happy rather than sad. I ate peanut butter on toast today and it was scary but it was so so good I had forgotten the taste but!! I remember it now!!! I’m crying tears of joy. Thank you so so much.

I'm so damn proud of you! I've been there, and it is definitely a freeing and new feeling after suffering for so long. Knowing there aren't any REAL "rules" about what you can and can't eat is an amazing feeling. Peanut butter toast is way too good to not eat; I have it often in my recovery because peanut butter is such a wonderful food that is meant to be enjoyed by everyone, as long as they're not allergic of course- I eat peanut butter almost every day now. Just today I had a food I've never eaten prepared by myself as I still have some "fear food" issues, but it was one of the best things I've ever eaten- even over a year into recovery I'm still discovering new foods to enjoy the freedoms of eating, and I laughed and enjoyed the cooking process with my husband and we were both dumbfounded by how good it came out- so don't give up because it keeps getting better the more you recover and allow the freedoms you were missing out on back into your life!

Recovery is full of celebrations, milestones, freeing feelings, and great accomplishments. There will be some hard stuff too though, so remember these great feelings when the hard days happen. I definitely have more good days than bad due to recovery though; that's for sure! Try to journal these happy and positive feelings to remember if you find yourself having an upsetting day down the road(on paper if possible so you can read it without the computer/phone- there will be days it's best to stay off the Internet). Not trying to scare anyone, but not every day will feel as great since EDs are seriously mental illnesses with many symptoms to face in recovery.

I need to warn you though, and everyone reading this here on Tumblr, that NO tag is 100% safe- selfish pro anas post in the recovery tags too, so I do suggest stepping away from Tumblr sometimes- get back out into the "real world," spend time with family, friends, pets, etc- enjoy the outdoors, do some fun movement; not to burn calories, but just go for a short walk outside if you can or sit in the sun/shade and just enjoy the world around you. Experience the world pro ana was trying to take from you by trying to force you to spend all day looking at disturbing images and repeating cruel mantras that urge you to suffer- life was not meant to suffer from- it (and definitely food!) was meant to be enjoyed by us all.

Stay motivated in recovery, and feel free to message me any time- I am disabled so I am usually at home around my phone and answer messages pretty quickly as long as I'm not having a health crisis (unfortunately my body got pretty damaged by my ED, so I will always have reminders of what my ED has taken from me and appointments to go to for various chronic conditions).

Wishing you all the best, and have fun as you rediscover the freedoms of eating what you want without punishment- I'm still making new discoveries of "food joys" all the time!❤️

[lilac-gold]

An analysis of Hero's healing, his position as an older brother and his relationships with Aubrey and Kel

Hero's healing:

I love exploring all the links between Headspace and the real world, and today, another's been on my mind. Hero is a healer in HS, but he heals and attacks through his food & frying pan; his position in the team utilises his strengths and passions, those being medicine and cooking. And in one of the flashbacks in Memory Lane, Hero asks Sunny if he should be a doctor or a cook when he's an adult. He personally wants to be the latter- that's why cooking is embedded so heavily into each of his skills in HS- but his parents want him to be the former.

Hero's a healer because that's what's necessary, what's expected of him, what he's good at. He heals through his food because that's what he likes making, trying his best to turn his strong suit into something he loves. Mari wanted him to be a cook, but after she died, Hero couldn't face that career. Instead, he did what his parents wanted, going to medical school. He's smart, and does well at it, but it's not something that he enjoys quite as much as he does cooking.

In Headspace, there are no parents: not Sunny's, not Aubrey's, nor Basil's, and not Hero's (and Kel's). But there is Mari, the opposite of in the real world. And yet, Hero's talent for healing and career as a doctor is still embedded into his fighting skills, even without any influence from a parental figure in HS since he has no parent there to take advice from. There's only himself, the younger kids, and Mari.

I like to think that Hero's a healer in HS not only because of his parents wanting him to be a doctor, though, but rather as a result of his older brother figure in their friendship group. Having a biological little brother who he cared for deeply meant that Hero had experience with littler kids, and he's the sort of person to look out for them, taking on a slightly parental role in HS. Particularly to Aubrey and Kel, he's very much an older brother figure.

He settles their disputes. He has a messy love life they like to get involved in and tease him about. He comforts them when they're upset. He's in charge of where they go (e.g. SWH's Quest for Hearts). He offers advice to characters like Omori. He's responsible, he's polite, he's a role model to them. Nice to everyone and always willing to help out. He reprimands Aubrey when she gets a little too angry, and tells Kel off when he aggravates her.

Above all else, though, Hero looks after them. He heals them when they're injured, offering good food and protection from enemies and threats. Hero takes on a defensive position, always there to offer help, support and recovery.

So, he's a healer.

This most likely applied in the real world, too, when the kids got any minor injuries like scrapes or bruises. 'Dr Hero' was able to look after them, patching them up with colourful band-aids. And Sunny experienced that, and integrated it into his mind that Hero (and Mari) were he, Aubrey, Basil and Kel's protectors. They provide warmth, shelter, healing and food.

Hero & Aubrey:

That makes it hurt even more when you think about how alone Aubrey felt. Her parents split up, her mother turning to drink as she stayed in her tiny, barely-filled room in the attic. Her friends all left, she lost an older sister figure in Mari- and an older brother in Hero. She didn't see him again for a year, and when he finally went back to school, he devoted himself to his studies and that image of perfection Mari had strived for. He didn't have time for her anymore, and wasn't there to even see if she was okay.

Of course she'd be angry, and hurt, and upset, on both her and Hero's behalf. She's mad at Mari for leaving them like she did, for crumbling Aubrey's only support system in one day. She's mad at Hero, for abandoning her in his grief. She's even mad at herself, for not being able to help somehow.

So she finds new friends, and she becomes the leader, the protector. She looks over the Hooligans, sometimes telling them off, getting defensive over them, buying food with them at Gino's. But there's nobody to look after her, or to stop her from doing anything she wants because her mother doesn't care, or to make her food that's actually filling. She's alone.

Then Hero comes back, and he doesn't even recognise her. He leaves her behind at the lake, walking away with Kel and Sunny without even hearing her out. She's been abandoned again, she's messed up again, and she doesn't know how to fix it. There are too many emotions for her to process, and she's far too exhausted to go after them. So, she goes home, and resents Basil for ruining her memories, and Kel for reducing her to the image he's built of her inside of his head, and Sunny for only coming out now and hurting her, and Mari for killing herself. And she resents Hero for leaving her, for not being there, and for walking away from that lake without a second glance.

She's still so, so angry, but then he goes to visit her and she falls apart. He came to see if she's okay. He wants to listen to her. And he recognises the rift between she and Kel as 'your typical Kel and Aubrey fight'. And he fixes it, making them say sorry like they're still just kids. And Aubrey hasn't said sorry in so long, not since her mom doesn't care and she's a known delinquent and she's so angry. He reprimands her lightly, seeing just how upset she is, but he's acting like a parent, like a brother, like Hero.

And Aubrey's missed that. She's been alone for so long, and now she's not anymore. They put the photos back and she cries and she apologises, and Hero just accepts it. He acts like it's nothing, not blaming her like Kel and the people in the church did, acting like everything's the same as it was years ago.

Then, he asks to hug her, and that's... Well, that's a little too much. But they've made a start, and yeah, he's embarrassing, but he's still like a brother to her. And she's missed him.

So when he says that they should go check up on Basil, she agrees. Just like all the times in HS when Hero suggested they go somewhere, Aubrey agrees, and they all go off together, a group again.

In the good end, things start to get better. In the bad end, things get so much worse. In any version of the neutral end, things fall apart beyond any seeming repair. But through all of them, she sticks with the person she used to view as an older brother, who still treats her like his sister even after those four years of loneliness.

Hero & Kel:

Now, consider Kel's thoughts on the matter. Hero's always been his older brother, someone to look up to and ask for help from. But when Mari dies, it's Hero who falls apart. Kel doesn't know what to do, the source of comfort over the years for he and his friends having been left broken as a result of Mari's seeming suicide.

Hero blames himself, and Kel can't find a way to convince him not to. Hero doesn't speak to him, doesn't get out of bed, doesn't do anything for a year. Like with Aubrey, Kel didn't just lose Mari; he lost Hero as well. His older brother didn't act like a brother anymore, like Hero anymore, not in the slightest. And he wasn't there to help Kel, because Hero himself was in need of more help than anyone could provide him with.

Hero used to take pride in his appearance, knowing full well that he was considered handsome. Hero used to love baking and cooking, dedicating hours to the craft. Then, Mari died, and he stopped everything, not even taking care of himself, let alone Kel.

So Kel tries his best. He bottles up his feelings, acting like he's fine. He made new friends, tries to comfort Hero like Hero used to him, brings food to his brother's bed in the hope that Hero will eat more. Kel tries to be the responsible one, the stable one, the unfaltering pillar of support Hero had been for so many years.

But Hero doesn't respond to him. Kel and his parents try their best to be supportive and help, but Hero stays the same way. Hero had always been fine, charming his way out of problems and fixing anything that went wrong. And then he wasn't anymore.

And after a year, Kel had had enough, desperately trying to get through to him. He missed his brother, his best friend, and had reached his breaking point. His parents' focus was on Hero, his friends had all drifted apart, Mari was dead, Sunny never left his house- and Hero seemed to be gone forever too.

Mari wouldn't have wanted to see him like that, Kel knew, suicidal or not. He wished she would've talked to someone, confided in them- at least confided in Hero- but knew she still cared about them greatly, Hero and Sunny in particular.

But the mention of Mari meant that Hero had reached his breaking point, snapping in a way Kel had never seen before. Hero was supposed to be calm, stopping arguments when Kel got into them, always polite and considerate. A far cry from the Hero before him just then, furious and wild, yelling at him.

Insulting him. Some of what Hero said was really hurtful to Kel- especially since it was coming from Hero. His brother, the person whose own perfection made Kel feel a little forgotten, the person who Kel admired and looked up to more than anyone, said things that were meant to hurt.

Kel blocked it out later on, only remembering how much Hero cried. Hero used to be a source of comfort. Used to help him heal. Instead, Hero was hurting Kel and hurting himself and Kel didn't know what he did wrong.

He did everything possible to calm Hero down, the outburst unfamiliar. But Hero had been unresponsive for a year, bottling up every emotion regarding Mari's death, and Kel mentioning her completely smashed those bottles into smithereens.

And it scared him. Kel felt scared because Hero was collected and level-headed and smart and mature, someone to go to for advice who would always help him feel better, someone seen as 'perfect'. His brother. Then, Hero didn't seem like Hero the slightest bit anymore, and that was terrifying not only because of Hero's wholly unfamiliar rage being directed at him, but also because Kel felt like he was losing his brother more by the second.

Then, his parents rushed in and helped Hero, and Kel was still crying alone on the floor, then his brother hurried over to him and tried his best to help. Kel felt like a little kid again, but it was so, so nice to be hugged again. Hero was back to his senses, back to being a healer rather than hurting him, apologising profusely and that was more relieving than Kel could imagine.

After that, Hero's self-destruction slowed down. It never disappeared, not when he decided to become a doctor for their parents' sake, not when Hero stopped doing anything he loved to focus entirely on his studies, but at least Hero started taking care of himself again.

Hero became far more closed-off after that, Kel could still see his guilt. But he couldn't help out, terrified to repeat what happened last time and feeling awful for it. Hero worked incredibly hard but was still naturally good at everything, which Kel found himself envying a little even then. Hero excelled at everything... Expect for sport.

So Kel went to basketball practise. Kel did his best to do something, anything better than his brother for a bit of his parents' approval- and to be worthy of Hero's attention. Basketball players were tall, and Kel desperately wanted to be taller than Hero. Basketball required a lot of running, and Hero was far too unathletic for that. Basketball was a team sport, and Hero had been running solo for over a year by that point.

And still, Hero got so many more trophies than him without even trying. But Hero had no passion, and that was upsetting and frustrating to watch because Hero got the same achievements for doing things he used to love with a sort of mechanical detachment that was completely new to Kel.

But he's got his brother back. His healer, his protector, his brother. And Kel isn't going to anything to put that in jeapordy again.

[eletricheart]

Where The Skies Are Blue

(Mira Kano x Reader)

part 1 here (Queen of a Heart)

*image creds to the owner

Word count: 1.047

"So, if you ever need a fool

Who will give you a love so true

You can always find me where the skies are blue"

----------------------------------------------------

The post meteor scenario was concerning. The hospitals were full, many gravely injured or with the unknown threat of developing further conditions.

Which is why you had to stay for two more weeks after waking up in the hospital and having a roommate of sorts.

Tho you worried for the woman next to you, wishing for her to be well.

Day 1

"Hi…the nurses told me that talking to you may help your recovery, so here I am." You weirdly chuckled and continued. "I know you don't know me and it must be pretty weird to be listening to a strange voice but I thought it would be nice to read something for you, so…here goes 'The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo'. It's a good book I promise."

Day 3

"We're done with Evelyn, hope you liked it, it's one of my favorites. And since you can't protest against my choice of literature, today will be 'Me Before You', get ready for a trilogy."

Day 9

"Even I have to admit the other two books were not that good, so it's okay if you want to murder me after my choices. However, for your happiness I should be leaving in a few days, my exams are coming out fine, therapy is well…therapy."

Day 10

"I wanted to read a book to you, but I'm worried that it's too sad, I don't want to make things worse. So we can try 'The Lady's Guide to Celestial Mechanics', it's good too."

Day 12

"I made new friends today, they were in the whole meteor accident too. We hung out in Ann's room, 'cause she is also bedridden, but Kuina and Chishiya can walk around freely. If you ever hear chaos, it's them."

Day 13

"The doctors told me you're okay, at least physically. I hope you wake up."

Day 14

"I asked one of the nurses about you, I couldn't handle my curiosity. They told me you're a psychiatrist, which is really cool by the way. Maybe you can continue your career once you wake up."

Day 15

"Today is my last day and you still haven't graced me with your voice, I'm truly hurt right now, you should wake up to apologize, just saying."

You sighed with defeat once there was no response and left the room to say goodbye to Ann. Kuina and Chishiya left a couple days ago, so we've already been through that. It's not a forever bye, we still see each other, just no more food heist.

When you returned to the room in order to finish packing up, the woman was awake. You were shocked but stayed on the door to not intrude during the exams.

When the medical team left you still stood awkwardly on the door. The woman just raised her eyebrows in a silent mockery and waited for you to enter the room.

You quickly introduced yourself to her, not mentioning the past couple weeks as to not scare her, and explained why you were cleaning up your side. She didn't say anything for a while.

"So you're leaving?"

To say you jumped in place was an understatement, but recomposed yourself. "Yeah, I've served my time here." You said, attempting a joke.

But she just looked slightly annoyed.

"The nurses mentioned you were reading for me, I don't remember that."

"Oh, it's okay, it was probably bad anyways, I just didn't want you to be alone."

You smiled and sat back on the bed.

"Read for me tonight."

Therefore, you started showing up everyday to see her, mostly to read a book but sometimes you brought flowers or tea. It became a habit to visit her, one you always looked forward to.

Day 20

Today you brought her a chess game. After reading "A Monster Calls" you both thought it was best to take a break. This was how you found out that she was extremely competitive. Even going as far to accusing you of cheating during times she won the game.

Day 21

Chess was more stressful than you expected, so you decided for a movie day. You introduced her to the classical "The Mummy" and she pretended to hate it.

Day 22

You had a fight, to be more exact Mira fought you. She hated tardiness and you were an hour late, of course there was a reason but the woman was too angry to care, simply leaving you out of her room.

Mira was nervous. Ever since she woke up you had been a constant, always trying to improve the days.

Being stuck to a bed was infuriating, having to attend therapy was more pointless. Mira knew what was going on, she studied and saw it countless times, no reason for all of these sessions with a stranger.

But you were there.

She tried to find a reason for your presence, some ulterior motive, maybe a disorder. There was nothing.

Three days weren't a long time, so why did she feel this way, this weird sense of familiarity.

When you were late Mira thought you had left. So when you showed she felt immense relief.

That's why she kicked you out, she got scared of what these feelings might mean. Finding it better to end before getting too attached.

Day 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28

You kept visiting her, telling stories from the door, humming or just sitting there. She didn't let you in during those days.

Ann kept telling you to give up but something begged you to try again, so you did.

Day 29

You started talking through letters under the door. She would ask questions about you and you would respond honestly with also small drawings.

Day 30

Mira let you in. It was her last day in the hospital. You helped her organize the room and move back to her apartment in the capital. Making quick stops at diners for milkshakes.

Day 31

It was the first official date.

You took her to play croquet, she never looked happier…and she won every single time.

Day 60

Your visa to stay in Japan was ending since you didn't have a medical condition anymore.

Mira took you to the park for a picnic.

Day 70

Mira asked you to stay.

Day 71

You stayed.

----------------------------------------------------

masterlist

[happilylovingchaos]

Last @lonestar-s5countdown Beginnings and Endings Week Post

I have a new work schedule now! And Lone Star is ending with season 5 real soon! That’s been fun getting used to… (/s) so I’ll post my fanfic/ music recs as one post tomorrow. Let’s see how much I can post w/o this becoming a complete image-less wall of stream-of-consciousness… but it will still be inevitable to everyone in the LS fandom who follows my handle and welcomed me. And if I haven’t said it yet, or enough, or sincerely in the last almost-year, thank you. Just thank you for your niceness, all your everything you’ve expressed, letting me be part of the fan group! I really really hope the end of the show doesn’t mean the end of this community, but whatever happens, it’s been a hella exhilarating, emotional, and lively experience.

(1) Which 911 Lone Star season premier is your favorite?

It’s a draw between seasons 2 and 4– I like the season premieres of 1 and 3 as much as everyone but holy hell I was not ready for the emotional twists in them to hit me the way they did. I am still in emotional recovery in both the good and bad ways. Both 2 and 4, until their respective cliffhangers, were quite light-hearted and self-contained with hints at the storylines to come, and those were easier for me to enjoy. Plus, Tommy, Gwyn and Iris (re-debut, in Iris’ case) had some colorful debuts! (I will always wish that Owen and Gwyn’s characters had a little more time together outside of the wit/ playfulness/ vitriol, and a couple more scenes with TK without their son always needing to be middle-man. But Rob, Lisa and Ronen played off of each other so well!) Gina’s portrayal of Tommy was just magnetically charismatic even without Michelle there— ‘Nuff said. And while I had issues with Iris’ bluntness (especially since it sorta re-opened some of TK’s emotional wounds), I could relate to being on both sides of a conversation in a similar situation to her— seeming hard to read/ confusing to most everyone around her (sometimes even with trusted family/ friends), and being confused/ offended by the delivery of what we convey.

(2) Which character do you think had the best introduction or first scene in the show?

I’m gonna say… it’s a toss-up between Judd and Grace for their natural first integration into the story and the first successful show>tell moment about them (specially Judd) in the series, Marjan (social media firefighter Muslim badass, in a description), and Mateo (for his own intro as unassuming but more than capable— Julian nails the portrayal of this character archetype in LS and The Long Game). Confusingly honorable mention goes to Michelle in hindsight, though? To me, she’s okay as a character, but I do understand where some fans were put off by her personality/ Liv’s portrayal.

(3) What is your favorite moment of 1x01?

Judd officially starting his end of the friendship with Owen by strong-arming him into accepting a chocolate chip cookie— you try saying no to a big Texan guy played by Jim Parrack and a mom and daughter holding a platter of chocolate chip cookies. Really, it’s tricky and you will probably get on their respective neutral if not shit lists. And Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” was quite a bop to end on! (Though, how did people find that wild? Just a little confused.)

(4) How did you first start watching Lone Star and how did you find out about it?

My aunt showed my mom and me the first parts of season 3– I saw… looking back on it, I’m a bit fuzzy on details but sometime in 2022 (def not consecutive days tho), I think I saw part of 3x04, then 3x07, and all of 3x08. And that last episode made me sob, I’m not ashamed to admit it now or in my grief week post. (My mom, grandma, uncle and aunt were watching it with me at dinner and were very confused about why I was crying.) Then I saw the last 3 eps, and it got me curious/hooked, so I went into season 4 kinda blind. Then I downloaded Hulu to catch up on the series proper, and the rest is rewatch history.

(5) What is one wish you have for the season 5 premiere?

Mostly that the overall narratives don’t feel too rushed or forced should there be a timeskip? I hate that Fox couldn’t get the show renewed… but on a lighter note? I’d like a solid explanation/ in-character reason for Grace’s absence that IS NOT a character death, a breakup, or anything relating to misblaming Wyatt.

Open tag to everyone as well!

[chained-to-the-mirror]

I looked through my notes and apparently last time I sat down to write my thoughts was in February. I had been struggling with my body image and had a nasty nightmare. I’ve not had very nasty nightmares now, but the body image thing is ever present.

I recently bought swimwear for the first time since my early teens. (Let it be noted that I’ll be 43 in a month.) It was inspired by a friend who is coming to visit and wants to go swimming. I was so nervous to even try on a swimsuit… but I did it. I now have two swimsuits/swimwear. I wonder how it will be to actually go out in public wearing them - not easy, probably, but hopefully it will be at least somewhat enjoyable in the end.

Also a new thing is that I’ve been wearing shorts now. It’s almost 30 degrees here and suddenly I’ve noticed I don’t care what others think. I even wore an almost sleeveless top! Who am I?! I think this is due to age, and running out of fucks to give. I mean, does anyone really care what I’m wearing? I don’t think so. I just want to be as comfortable as possible. 

I’m putting my outfit from yesterday here - I would never have been able to wear this a year ago, no matter how hot it got. I’m surprised at myself. Also shocked at how comfortable I was eventually! There was no panicking, no distress. I see all the flaws, but it just matters less and less. I undoubtedly sound like a broken record, but I’m just so surprised.

I don’t think I would be at this point without my dear friends. They keep me sane, truly - and they never seem to get tired of shooting down my negative self talk, which matters more than anyone would guess. I love them all very much.

Another thing that’s helping is plants. I’ve become a full time plant parent, and it feels good to see things growing under my care. I’ve never been able to really do this successfully until now. I’m currently sitting on my balcony, surrounded by my green babies, and I feel calm. It’s no small thing, to feel calm! The plants also help me practice being patient. My huge tomato is testing me - there are so many flowers, but no fruit. Not even beginnings, apart from one that’s smaller than the tip of my pinky. I’m told it takes time, but I just worry. I am doing my best though, and that will have to be enough.

I don’t know where I’m going with all this, except nowhere. I suppose this is my blog, and I can go nowhere as much as I wish. I was going to write something the other day, but when the time came, I found I had no words anymore. Much like now! But I was thinking a lot about my active ED years for some reason. I used to be one of the moderators on a pro ana forum - one of the nice ones, one that helped me keep myself together for a long time. I was close to several people on there - I wonder where they are now? I kept in touch with a couple even after I was discharged from my first hospital stay, but these days I have lost contact with them. I hope they have found their own ways out. We were all sick, and brought together by being alone in our respective sicknesses. 

I kept a journal on the forum - it was full of misery and wallowing, so I’m sort of glad I have no access to it anymore. In fact, I don’t even know what became of the forum after I left. I’ve tried to find it again, but nothing comes up on google at least. It was always a very private, invitation only forum. Everyone supported everyone, in both sickness and recovery (whichever way any of us went at the time). I think I’m - ironically - alive because of those girls. (I say girls, because it was all girls. I think there may have been one boy at one point, but he was not very active.)

It’s such a weird experience, and I can’t really explain it to anyone who hasn’t been a part of a place like that. I tried to explain it to the nurses and the doctors at the hospital, but I don’t think they got it. They saw it as harmful, and probably fairly. In fact, the whole thing made me realize how futile group therapy would be for eating disorders. It can go wrong in so many ways! I’ve only had personal therapy so I can’t be sure of course, but it just feels suspicious. At least for me. I think that you have to be mostly in recovery to really be able to get any help from a group. I think that I might be able to, now - now that I’m mostly recovered. But of course it’s not something that’s available for me anymore. The EDs are not even in my diagnoses - not the main ones anyway. You’d have to dig pretty deep.

I guess this is what I wanted to get out. I’m not proud of my involvement in a thing like the pro ana movement, but I can’t fully bring myself to be sorry either. These things happen for a reason, and the reason was to keep me alive. I’m grateful for that.

It’s time to stop writing. My plants around me are telling me to wrap up the day, and they are right. I only need a shower and then I can fully relax. Thank you to anyone who read this, it’s a mess!

[positivelybeastly]

Plot Wishlist

General:

Any X-characters, but especially Storm, Shadowkat, Cyclops, Iceman, Jean Grey, Abigail Brand, Havok, Dazzler, Colossus, Mr. Sinister, Charles Xavier, Magneto, Sabretooth, et al.

Verse specific plots below.

Feline Hank:

Decimation/Utopia-era plots, perhaps including a PTSD recovery arc for Hank after his torture at the hands of Norman Osborn. Poor guy was literally having flashbacks at the drop of a hat and the best he got was a 'you're the rock, so idk just cope better' speech - would love to dive into this.

Fun, shippy things! Hank is a loveable fella, but utterly bereft of actual self-esteem - tons of ego and bluster, but self-esteem? Wrong house, miss - and I love to see him reconcile the often inflated mental portrait he has of others with his diabolical self-image.

Mutant cure. Hank has a vial of it just sitting in a freezer. All it takes is one particularly bad day.

Post-Intervention Hank:

Anything with any X-character, diving into the period of time between All-New X-Men and Krakoa. Hank screwed up, majorly, and his emotional state is ridiculously fractious - engage with him on this! Force him to change! Or let's have blazing arguments! Let's do both, fuck it!

Inhuman + Kang interactions! Hank was only with them for a short period of time in the grand scheme of things, but I dearly love that he made friends during his time here, and it breaks my heart that he felt like he couldn't go back after Inhumans vs. X-Men.

Avengers:

Defenders interactions! Especially Isaac Christians (Gargoyle), Patsy Walker (Hellcat) and Heather Douglas (Moondragon). I love this team - they're such a weird, kooky team of misfists and emotionally damaged individuals.

Threnody. I'm tired of talking about her as the first brick in the wall for Hank's downfall - let's talk about her as a character, let's engage with the situation, let's call Hank out, let's let him off the hook, let's do something with it!

X-Force:

Any and all members of the Quiet Council, perhaps a thread making sense of Beast's numerous karma houdinis. My portrayal of X-Force Beast diverges from the cartoon character you've seen in Percy's books, but I still want to engage with the situations he must've found himself in and write them like an adult. Let's get political, let's get complicated, let's get cruel, why not?

Any and all interactions where an old friend asks Beast what the hell he's doing and what happened to him. I just want someone to care that Beast has hollowed out his soul and decided it's easier to not care.

Irredeemable Beast:

Pretty much anything, but the tone of this verse suits Fall of X-themed plots and character development over all else. I have an in-progress fic about this verse that I'm working on - I can't tell you how overjoyed I'd be to talk about it with someone. Let's talk redemption, let's talk punishment, let's talk justice, let's talk masochism, let's talk death wishes!

Dark Beast:

Any Age of Apocalypse characters.

A duplicate Hank, tbh!

The guy's a stinker, abuse him, please.

Battle of the Atom:

Any of the time displaced X-Men, future X-Men, or members of the Jean Grey and Charles Xavier School faculty. This version of Hank is so broken and so tragic and so pitiable. Let's engage with that. Let's talk about the future, let's talk about optimism, let's talk about broken faith and mind control and hatred.

President Blaire. If you know, you know.

And obviously, all of the X-characters mentioned above, or hell, any member of the extended X-family, would be much loved as an intersection with all of these plots!

And keep in mind, if you aren't one of these characters, that doesn't mean any of this plot material is off limits to you! Message me, ask me, let's work something out. I crave good character dynamics, hmu. I want to write with you, or I wouldn't be here.

[paperairplanemob]

New years retrospective 2023

What was the single best thing that happened this past year? Brittany got a good job that she’s totally kicking ass at.

What was the single most challenging thing that happened? Our dog that we’ve had for 13 years suddenly had a stomach flip and had some complications after the surgery. We ended having to make the call to let him go.

What was an unexpected joy this past year? I let myself be weird (and maybe a little spicy) in my writing and now I’m writing a lot more.

What was an unexpected obstacle? We had layoffs at work this summer followed by a reorganization that put me in an area that almost burned me out super-fast.

Pick three words to describe 2023. Frustration, perseverance, discovery

Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2023 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you). keep on growing

Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2023 (again, without asking). recovery, new normals

What were the best books you read this year? fine. Fine. I give up. Here’s my emotional support crackfic. Happy?

With whom were your most valuable relationships? Made some good friends at work, and grew in my relationship with Brittany.

What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year? I’m discovering my own self-worth, and it’s honestly feeling like I’ve wasted years of my life trying to fit this false image of who I thought I was “supposed” to be.

In what way(s) did you grow emotionally? I’m in the process of learning the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness.

In what way(s) did you grow spiritually? I’m starting to come to some terms with what I’ve “believed” maybe not being as well-defined as I once thought. Between that and my newfound self-worth, I’m having to wrestle with some things that I had taken for granted.

In what way(s) did you grow physically? I kept a better eye on my back and used the tricks I learned in PT last year, and I’m feeling alright about my back now!

In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others? not sure yet, but I’m learning to put things on the calendar.

What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)? things I’ve learned building Smolblog have fed back into what I’m building at work and vice versa.

What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)? Figuring out what (I want) to work on.

What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year? Probably Smolblog: despite the progress I’ve made, I’ve also gone in a few circles.

What was the best way you used your time this past year? actually planning and doing instead of just daydreaming.

What was biggest thing you learned this past year? I’m not done yet,

Create a phrase or statement that describes 2023 for you. I’ve come a long way, and I’m proud of that. But I’m still not Out Of the Woods (Taylor’s Version).

[deuterosapiens]

So I started reading Chuck Palahniuk's novel Fight Club on something of a whim. Yes it was a book before a movie. Yes, I stopped Under the Whispering Door to read it (which I will pick back up now that Fight Club is over; it will not languish on the shelf of unfinished books like so, so many other things).

Like many a person, I've seen the film a fair number of times. It's one of those highly quotable films that makes up about thirteen percent of all film references that aren't Mean Girls (quick aside: how well do these two films specifically compare? There's probably some interesting parallels for another time, though that's not important). Unlike many a person, my first experience with Chuck Palahniuk's writing was the short-story "Guts," which is fairly unpleasant for the squeamish, rather than this. It felt like the logical place to start with his novelist work. I've got Choke ordered as a potential follow-up (Sam Rockwell makes all movies better).

All the discourse and discussion of what it's really about has all been had and I'm afraid I can't really add anything interesting to the discussion. Is it social satire? Is it a critique of toxic masculinity, anarchy, the destruction of the hetero-male image? What's it stand for, what's it believe in? What ideas does it promote?

The reading I found the most interesting here, which is the one I found the most relatable or relevant to me, given my own personal drama, however, was that it's a perfectly good critique of toxic escapism. I'm fairly certainly this was not exactly what Palahniuk had in mind when it was written.

Consider this: a person becomes bored with their life and runs off with a fantastic stranger to a new world. No one on earth would bat an eye to that description applying to basically every piece of escapist fiction ever written. And yet, if you boil it down to the essential elements, removing the fat, this is an adequate description of the events of Fight Club's first act.

The fantasy becomes worse and it takes a destructive toll. What was initially a medicine has become an addiction, and, like all addictions, eventually the fantasy isn't enough. Fight club is no longer enough and so Tyler kickstarts Project Mayhem. I consider this an important point as the novel makes it extraordinarily clear that Tyler Durden isn't starting Project Mayhem for social reform, but because his friend, the unnamed Narrator (I think the sequel calls him Sebastian, but I obviously haven't read Fight Club 2 yet; yes there's a sequel; it's a graphic novel as opposed to the original which is a novel that's quite graphic, but not a graphic novel; where was I again?), is no longer having his escapist needs met through the fights.

Project Mayhem grows out of control and the Narrator realizes, too late, none of this is okay. It's then that he realizes the tomato in the mirror, that Tyler is a dissociative self created to cope with just being actually bored as hell of living. Okay, technically he created Tyler because he was interested in Marla Singer (sort of, the part of him that was interested in her became Tyler, it's a bit murky, the details, but that's not strictly important).

So, in-universe, everything that happens is the literal exact result of an actual fantasy going too far.

What I find best about this reading though is how it plays with the ending. A brief note: the film ending, with the explosions set to the Pixies' "Where is my Mind?," doesn't happen; instead the explosives fail, and the Narrator is left recovering in a hospital after having shot his face-out (where Project Mayhem members await eagerly his recovery and the recovery of the Tyler Durden persona).

You have someone who has ran away to some other world as a means of escaping their own problems, who learns that this fantasy is causing them more harm than good, who then takes action to recover themselves and return to the real world. Still, there will always be that possible thread, the lingering will, desire, to leave reality behind again and succumb to the fantasy.

I think a lot of us, who used books or games or movies or what have you to ignore our day-to-day routine problems, can relate to that. To finally wanting to confront the problem you've avoided head-on, and feeling that tug, a little pull in your mind, something drawing you back to the distraction. The easy-way, always available if you want it.

Perhaps I did have something to say about Fight Club the novel after all. I know I broke the rules (the first rule of fight club: you do not talk about fight club; the second rule of fight club: you do not talk about fight club), but perhaps that's the point. The delusion by itself is no fun; madness spread to others (folie à deux) is a riot.

Perhaps that's why we need a Marla, a tether to ground us (even if painfully), when the fantasy can no longer be differentiated from reality.

[saltineofswing]

ANOTHER EARTH, FILE 001 – BATMAN

Circa 1996-2003 – ‘BRUCE WAYNE’S TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO-GOOD VERY BAD DECADE’

The turn of the century is bad for everybody in a world where there’s a new catastrophe every week, but for Batman especially, this is a rough stretch. To this point, all of the despotic alien dictators and insane transdimensional imps have been haranguing Superman, up the coast in Metropolis, But in 1996, the Thanagarian Invasion of Earth occurs, and the Justice League is shaken to is very core. In 1997, Grayson trades up to Nightwing, and Bruce takes on a new Robin, the young Jason Todd, who is definitely going to be fine don’t worry about it. 

This'un is a doozy, truly comic-tier explanation below the cut.

In 1998, shit hits the fan for Batman specifically. Surprise! The Joker kills Jason Todd while perpetrating a scheme outside of the US, right as Bruce and Jason are on the cusp of truly bonding as father and son. A couple months later, the Joker reappears in Gotham and cripples Barbara Gordon, then-Batgirl and also the daughter of Commissioner James Gordon, one of Batman’s staunchest allies. The Joker’s sudden and somewhat inexplicable slide from dangerous, but goofy, crime gimmicks into genuine stochastic terrorism sets off a chain reaction amongst Gotham’s gallery of rogues. In 1999, at around the one-year-mark of Jason’s death, Tim Drake convinces Bruce to accept him as the new Robin after reverse-engineering Batman’s secret identity.

And in 2000, a new and dangerous foe emerges to challenge Batman, self-styled as Batman’s greatest foe – his bane, if you will. It’s Bane. And Bane breaks the bat. During Bruce’s recovery period, he selects Azrael to fill in for him. Azrael, as an unstable zealot at the best of times, ultimately defeats Bane but also does real damage to Bruce’s personal sphere; between the death of Robin II and Bruce choosing to keep his infirmity a secret from his coworkers in the Justice League and subsequent confusion around just who was in the bat-suit during this period, Batman’s reputation takes a substantial black eye at every level, and Bruce starts to cut himself off from friends and family. 

In 2002, a massive earthquake hits the United States’ eastern seaboard, with the epicenter just barely offshore of Gotham City. The city is plunged into absolute chaos due to extreme structural damage to a huge portion of Gotham’s downtown area; the island on which most of the city is built is cut off from the mainland, and the federal government evacuates about 75% of Gotham’s civilian population. The remaining 25% of civilians are basically left to die, as the government declares Gotham City a federal No-Man’s Land, locking down its border. Warring supervillain factions and desperate militarized police forces are eventually brought to heel… by Bane, who takes over Gotham in the confusion. 

Bruce returns to Gotham with Catwoman and finally defeats Bane personally, bringing an expanded Bat-Family to bear and restoring his public image. He also internalizes, finally, the value of relying on other people. He takes a liking to the new Batgirl who emerges during this trial, Cassandra Cain, and formally establishes ties to Stephanie Brown (briefly Robin, currently Spoiler). Simultaneously, Lex Luthor leverages a metric fuck-ton of political influence to get Gotham’s borders reopened, using the positive publicity to get a pardon of past crimes from the President and undetake a Senatorial campaign. 

The suit reflects how utterly fucked Batman’s life is during this period of time. Battered, frayed, with armor plating literally strapped on where old pieces have been damaged or torn off. The tech boom resulting from the Thanagarian Invasion has begun to hit every layer of civilian life at this point, which means villains are starting to get more and crazier gadgets and Batman is forced to keep up. Stylistically it takes inspiration from late-80s/early-90s Batman suits; it’s also the debut of my solution to the costume boyshorts ‘problem’ (I don’t necessarily think it’s a problem, mind you) – Thigh highs!

Back To Title

Circa 1990

Circa 1992

Circa 2003-2007

Circa 2008+

[mylittleredgirl]

♡ dear rare pair creator ♡

thank you for creating something for me! i hope you're excited about whatever we matched on.

i'm pretty easily delighted, so i'm sure i will enjoy whatever you create. i'm including likes/dislikes and a few prompt ideas below in case they are useful to your process, but i LOVE being surprised by things i did not consider, so if you have another idea, please run with it!

--

general likes/dislikes are the same as on the exchange request, broken out into bullet points for easier reading:

general things I love:

happy/hopeful ending

episode-related fic

canon divergence

fix-its

friends to lovers

new or deepening relationship

pre-ship friendship/ust

pining

hurt/comfort

healing and recovery

reuniting after time apart

working through complications (e.g. working together while having a relationship, emotional baggage, traumas inflicted by canon, etc)

including other canon characters in the fic

polyamory dynamics

5 times

all ratings are welcome.

kinks enjoyed

soft dom/sub

praise kink

edging

aliens made them do it (or local canon equivalent)

overindulgence

masturbation

body worship (especially related to body image/weight gain/aging)

i have never said no to a quality blow job or hand job fic

sweet i-love-you sex works for me too!!

DNWs:

permanent character death

hurt no comfort

crossovers (except within extended canon universe, e.g. across star trek shows)

historical AUs

supernatural AUs where the characters are werewolves, etc (supernatural elements like telepathy/psychic powers/soulmates are fine)

vampires and zombies (ghosts and other canon-typical cryptids are ok!)

non-canon nicknames

bashing of characters or canon past relationships (except sam carter’s collection of questionable exes on SG-1, i can live with that).

--

🛸 the x-files

i fell back in love with late-season x-files this year! doggett/reyes was my fic writing origin story, and i am fully back on my bullshit with those two. i also LOVE the dynamic of the three agents in season nine, as people and friends, and it would be so interesting to explore as lovers. random prompt ideas:

john gets knocked around a lot — so what if it's monica's turn to be hurt/in danger on a case, and john's turn to find her or care for her afterward?

doggett/scully/reyes would be so complicated and interesting!! scully learning to trust anyone except mulder; how would it feel for john to spend time around william; there's a good chance this isn't monica's first poly rodeo, but what about the other two... etc etc any little bit about their dynamic would be fun to play with.

the real prompt for the ot4 would be "okay, but for real, how do they not kill each other?" but in a fun way.

--

🛰 babylon 5

this show is an old, old fave, so anything you write will feel like seeing beloved old friends again. pre-series, during, or post-series are all great, and i'm a fan of canon divergence! most of these characters get pretty traumatized by the narrative, and their relationships could be understandably fucked up as a result, but i like it when characters are good and loving at their core -- even if it looks messy while they figure themselves out.

i would love any fix-it that saves talia, with any combination of people involved

did lyta and talia know each other as young telepaths/psi cops interns?

for sinclair/sakai: i LOVE a reunion-of-exes-but-now-it's-right ship soooo much. anything along their journey, including a potential future where she goes with him to minbar or they otherwise reunite again, would be fun to read!

(note: i have read "to dream in the city of sorrows," so if you know it and want to use it as a backdrop for a sinclair/sakai future fic that's fine, but i'm NOT attached and would also love to see your canon divergence of choice!)

--

👽 stargate sg-1

clone sam/jack: i love it best when these two are still themselves, working through some angst and alienation from both their past and their new lives, but also with hope for a sweet future together. there's such a good opportunity for tension between what they were and what they are, both personally and for their relationship.

what's something that used to be normal, but feels so different now? (e.g. if one of them is in danger or injured... but could be anything!)

after they survive high school, what's next? when do their lives start to feel like their own?

janet fraiser/daniel jackson: these two often fall together very easily in the background of sam and jack fics, but they have lots of fun complications of their own (their professional lives; daniel's past; janet raising a traumatized child...), and they have so much potential to be good and loving and maybe a little snarky together.

heroes canon divergence where she survives but it’s a close thing — how does that impact them (either pre-relationship or established)?

something set off-world, since janet so rarely gets to travel through the gate...

--

👾 jake 2.0

this is an extremely niche pairing and so you are definitely not here to write this, but i love jake and diane sooooo much. if, by some rare pair miracle, you have seen this show (!!) i would adore ANYTHING about them!!

--

⚾️ deep space nine

i love this floating bicycle wheel in space and everyone inside it so much!!

julian/ezri: the canon execution of this pairing was not great, but somehow i still really ship it. it's complicated, there's war trauma, there's joining trauma, but i think they could recover together and be friends and lovers for real. i'll take anything from silly fluff to a messy deep dive, totally up to you.

what if the war has lasted longer, and it had taken longer for them to get together?

they could do with some shenanigans i think

miles/keiko/kira: there's so much potential here for fun and healing and cultural exchange, and at the end of the day, i just want kira to keep her new family.

during the series: what if they just keep delaying kira's move-out after the baby is born...

anything about getting the family (the whole ds9 family or just this family!) back together post-series

jadzia dax/lenara kahn: truly the closest we get to a canon soulmate au. i love them and want them to be happy 😭.

what if lenara was telling the truth, and just needed more time?

(note: i haven't read the ds9 post-series novels, but if you have and want to use them, i'm happy to memory beta anything i need to know to appreciate the fic!)

--

✨ voyager

b'elanna/kes: i believe that b'elanna loves and wants gentleness, even if she doesn't know what to do with it at first. i also adore kes as a character. her kindness! her powers, and how she is both drawn toward them and a little scared of them! her brief and vibrant life!

kes has no preconceptions about klingons, so how does that impact how b'elanna sees herself?

anything at all to do with kes's developing powers (and maybe how b'elanna reacts to them...?)

--

🍻 cheers

diane chambers/sam malone: this couple is an absolute disaster, but i would like them to annoy each other til death do they part. ideas:

how do they support each other (well or very badly) in their ongoing mental health/addiction challenges?

what if they stayed in touch on her writing retreat and/or she came back as promised?

if they did get married, diane would co-own the bar and i'm sure she would have ideas about what to do with it...

--

thank you again!! i hope this was useful and not overwhelming. you are totally welcome to toss it out and surprise me 💕 anonymous asks are turned on for this account if you have follow-up questions.

[iphoneartgirl]

I Have Received 14 Awards in the 2023 Julia Margaret Cameron International Awards for Women Photographers!  The works above will all be on display starting in mid-April at the Fotonostrum Gallery in Barcelona, Spain, along with works from other award winners from around the globe. I was hoping I could figure out a way to attend the opening, but I can’t.

I received word about these awards at the close of 2022. But to say that the news was overwhelming would be putting it mildly. This is why I’ve waited until now to share the news here.

Following the loss of my home, studio, all my tools, my garden and all my work to the Almeda wildfire, I drove a motorhome I bought to live in after the fire 11,000 miles around the United States. I immersed myself in nature, visited old friends, and asked them for help in recovering my mind, my identity, my sanity.

When I returned in June of 2022 and set up camp in my motorhome on a hill in Ashland, Oregon, I was mostly still in a state of shock and bewilderment. Confounded and flabbergasted. I spent the summer walking around Ashland connecting with agencies set up to help wildfire survivors and seeing friends. But it was hot, uncomfortable living in one place in a motorhome, and I was always expecting more fire. I felt in no way grounded. Always afraid. 

By the time it started getting cold again I was still camping. In the cooler days, I began to imagine, however tentatively, that I might one day share some mobile images again. Maybe some from my trip, some of my meditations and deep experiences of both pain and steady transformation. Nevertheless, I still felt so vulnerable. So discombobulated. So tenuous about whoever I had thought I was before the fire. So unclear about who I might become as a senior artist who had lost all evidence of her previous life and her work.

It was in that state of mind that I decided, one November morning, to send some of my mobile images to the International Julia Margaret Cameron Awards competition for women photographers. The entries didn’t cost much - a huge motivator since I’m broke now. Why not? I thought of my entries as a kind of trial balloon, particularly the images I entered from the Almeda Firewalk Series that I’ve been working on since 2021.

I expected nothing and figured that if anything I sent got any kind of attention from the juror, Barbara Davidson (a woman whose courageous photography I have admired for decades), maybe I could reinvest in thinking of myself again as a living photographer and mobile artist. If not, I could just keep on drinking my way from one day to another, wondering when I should just pull the plug on this life.

Getting the news that not one or two - but almost ALL - of the entries I submitted had received awards put a serious dent in my stupor. For a couple of days, I danced around on Facebook and called and told old friends. I couldn’t have felt more delighted or more affirmed in my creativity and I took the awards as evidence that I hadn’t actually lost all my skill even if I didn’t believe that myself. I lost everything else, right?

But the thing about trauma recovery is that it’s anything but linear.  Survivors don’t just go from sad to elated and stay there. We remain afraid. Stunned. Suspicious. Doubtful. And isolation can easily remain our best friend. We know how bad we still feel. And we know how everyone who knows us just wants us to feel good again and go back to where and who we were before the trauma. They’re tired of hearing about the pain. So we stop telling them about it. We get quiet and we hide out.

Hence ... the time it’s taken for me to feel up to making this post here today.

I told my friend, John, this morning that over the last month I am starting to feel  that my mind may actually be healing. A bit. After two-and-a-half years. Yes, I’m still the iPhoneArtGirl. Yes, I still make mobile photographs and mobile art almost every day. And maybe, just maybe, I will one day be able to courageously share more here than an awards announcement.

Tomorrow morning, I’m planning to venture out to a speed-dating event at the Medford Library. I don’t know what’s going to happen there but it’s my hope to have a few minutes of conversation with private foundations and government funders who I can imagine could use the Almeda Wildfire Series to serve their stakeholders. I’ll be looking for partners who might see it in their interests to help me take all the pain and the transformational gifts I’m starting to experience into community conversations with their stakeholders in communities of all sizes around the state.

I know there are people like me all across Oregon who need to re-connect much more substantively with their neighbors so all of us can BELONG TOGETHER AGAIN even if the political trance has people believing we can’t. There are such large climate, environmental, housing, medical care, educational, economical, ethical and spiritual challenges ahead. We cannot meet them in isolation.  

If you read this far, I thank you warmly for your time, your consideration, and your care. Namaste.

[pridepages]

Winterlude: This Winter

I just finished This Winter by Alice Oseman. I have thoughts...

Here there be spoilers!

Tis the festive season! In honor of December and the approaching holidays, I’ve decided to fit a couple of more titles fit for the spirit into these last weeks of the year. Although, as for many struggling queer people, not all of these stories are merry.

This Winter is a novella featuring the beloved cast of Heartstopper and Solitaire. Readers of either or both will recall that Charlie Spring’s mental health required him to spend time inpatient, and that he finally came home in December. But as This Winter reminds us: mental health treatment isn’t the end of the journey. It is at most an interlude. And one of the hardest tests comes after, when patients and their loved ones have to figure out: where do we go from here?

Winter is a quick read set entirely over the events of one day--Christmas--narrated from the views of all three Spring children: Tori, Charlie, and Oliver. Though the struggles have largely been Charlie’s, the split perspective allows the reader to understand how living and loving with mental illness doesn’t happen in a vacuum. All of the children have suffered in different ways, and all of them are desperate to find their way back to each other in their new reality.

Of all of them, Tori Spring is the one I feel for the most. All eyes in the family have been on Charlie, as they had to be when Charlie’s life was at risk. But that hyperfocus allowed people to push Tori and her quieter suffering to the side. Tori has trained herself to believe that Charlie’s illness “was probably my fault” because “when I noticed something was off with him...I didn’t talk to him enough. I didn’t do enough.” Because the adults who love her have trouble discussing and processing emotions, Tori’s shutdown isn’t questioned. People have no idea that Tori feels desperately lonely and inadequate, longing to be loved by the brother she adores: “I’m trying my best...I started being his friend as well as his sister.” But Charlie’s too lost in his own suffering to see how his rejection hurts Tori. And Tori doesn’t dare push for more support. “He’s being unfair, but I don’t have any right to be annoyed with him...I don’t matter. He matters.” But of course she matters. Just because her anxiety and depression fold inward, are quieter, doesn’t make them less worthy of being seen. Tori is not less worthy of love just because her distress isn’t as evident.

I don’t mean to be cruel to Charlie. He’s clearly come a long way in his recovery, finally able to recognize that “the restrictive eating, the self-harm, and my other compulsions...are coping mechanisms. It’s not about just stopping myself doing those things, it’s about figuring out why I feel those impulses, what the emotional stuff is underneath. While there’ll be good days and bad days, I can get better.” But the holidays are almost automatically guaranteed to be Bad Days. Because, as Tori points out, “Christmas is a stressful time for people with eating disorders, since food is such a big part of the day.” Add to the volatile mix a bunch of visiting family who can’t seem to stop making insensitive comments about everything from Charlie’s mental health to his sexuality and the toxic mess begins to boil. Charlie tries his best to grit his teeth through every painful conversation, navigate his triggers, and stay in control. He wants to deliver the Perfect Family image for his parents. But as he takes hit after hit, Charlie finds his reserves drain to zero: “I should have defended myself better. I’m tired, though. I’m so tired of defending myself.” Ultimately unable to take any more, Charlie flees his home to go find comfort with his boyfriend, Nick.

It would be easy to cast Charlie as the perpetual innocent victim. While Charlie is dealing with a lot, Winter doesn’t absolve him of his responsibilities or his wrongdoing. Charlie laments “when people know you’re mentally ill, most people treat you like you’re strange, scary, or fascinating. Very few people are actually good at the middle ground. The middle ground isn’t hard. It’s just being there. Being helpful, if help is needed. Being understanding, even if they don’t understand everything.” But he’s wrong about at least one thing: the middle ground is not easy. People who love Charlie, like Tori, desperately want to know what the right way is to navigate that middle ground. They’re struggling to figure it out, and all they’re getting from Charlie is negative feedback about how they’re doing it wrong. The middle ground doesn’t look the same for every person, so it requires some trial and error on both sides to find out what it looks like to each individual. 

As Nick gently points out to Charlie: “I think sometimes you’re so scared of being a burden that it makes you terrified to ask for help. But you have lots of people around you that would be there for you, if you opened up about what help you need.” Charlie does have a responsibility here to communicate: to tell his loved ones what’s working as well as what isn’t. And if he’s not getting something he needs, Charlie needs to ask for it instead of expecting them to read his mind. Most importantly, Charlie needs to recognize that just because he needs more support in this area at this time doesn’t mean he can ignore the ways he is able to love and support others. Tori still needs him. Tori is asking for his love and affection, as is little Oliver, in his own way. Charlie can’t keep neglecting the ways that they need him back.

The fact is that we’ll never be perfect. Naturally selfish creatures, people have a tendency to get lost in their own perspective and lose sight of what others are going through. We end up hurting each other, disappointing each other, and making mistakes. So after a dark interlude, how do we move forward? It’s little Oliver who brings us the simplest, truest wisdom: “You could just say sorry. That’s what you have to do when you say something bad. Say sorry.” In the end, we leave the Spring siblings where they belong: with each other. They recognize that there’s still a lot of work to do. They have to learn how to communicate with each other. They have to learn how to spot Bad Days on the horizon, how to weather the storm, and how to come back when it passes. But you believe that they can. You believe that they will.