#good news: the image recovery is my best friend

[carrion-art]

A Self Portrait

[grapementos]

perseverance

aged up bakugo x reader

pt. 3 to this

numerous panic attacks had ensued since you were discharged from the hospital, but not all of them reached their final stages like the first had.

you’d grown better at grounding yourself and having some semblance of control over your anxiousness. slowly but surely, you felt the pain ebbing away.

it would never be gone completely, you knew, and every day you questioned the possibility of things being different.

what if katsuki hadn’t quit being a hero? what if he’d proposed just as he’d planned to? would your wedding have been beautiful? your marriage successful and healthy?

there were so many what ifs that hurt your heart just to think about.

yet, all you did was think about it—in the best, healthiest way.

you set aside your pride and fears and confided not only in your friends, but in a therapist. you had sessions weekly, and every time you walked out of the office, you felt a little lighter.

for the first time, you understood that it was okay to still love katsuki, to still want to be with him. in fact, they initially expressed how they wished the two of you had tried couples therapy before everything went south.

that was another what if that hurt.

you were always the more rational, levelheaded one. why hadn’t you thought of it, encouraged it? would it have made a difference? those thoughts kept you awake at night, haunting your mind and mocking you with images of a perfect life with katsuki. the life you could've had.

those thoughts were bumps in your path to recovery. it was only through those thoughts, however, that you learned that the road wasn't linear. you had amazing days when you felt strong and independent, days when you'd feel like you were in a colgate commercial. other days, you wanted to set your apartment on fire and disappear. you wanted to scream until your voice was gone, vocal chords torn to shreds. some days, you just wanted everything to stop.

through the good and the bad, you were able to persevere through the challenging navigation of a breakup. still, you granted yourself permission to still love him. to be in love with him. that love would never just vanish, you'd realized a few months into your journey. it dulled, flickered, and faded, but never vanished.

-

you'd found that implementing a routine in your daily life had greatly improved your overall mental health.

this morning, you turned on the news as you made yourself breakfast--a meal you forced yourself to consume, no matter how little it was.

as you grabbed what you needed from the cupboards, a name in the news had you pausing everything.

"...following his spontaneous philanthropic streak, former hero dynamight announces that he will be hosting a tell-all session at our local library. there, he intends to, quote, 'make amends with those i might have hurt with my words, actions, or lack thereof...' well, you heard it here. don't miss a valiant display of heroic vulnerability today at noon. in other news..."

you gaped at the tv, the glass bowl slipping from your suddenly clammy fingers.

philanthropic streak? where had you been?

the sound of the glass breaking reached your ears a whole minute after it hit the ground, snapping you out of your dumbfounded stupor.

"shit," you cursed, crouching down to pick up the pieces.

no, don't even think about it.

you looked at the clock, reading 8 as the time. plenty of time for you to get dressed and go.

no.

you could easily make it in time and sit in the back, just to see him and hear what he had to say.

no.

you'd wear something inconspicuous and hide in the back, just being silent. and then you'd leave, after ten minutes.

no.

every no carried a little bit of yes at the end of it, forcefully dragging you out of the kitchen and into the bathroom for a shower. it was closure, you argued to yourself, closure that you desperately needed.

it's going to be excuses, nothing but lies.

dark clothes are the best choice, you decided, anxiously changing into something you deemed inconspicuous. just ten minutes, it was all you needed.

don't throw all your progress away for ten minutes.

you stared at the mirror, trying to find a single good reason to stay home. yet, every thought in your mind convinced you that this, this is what you needed. you needed to hear him express his regret, his remorse to other people. people who once trusted and supported him in his endeavors, only to be woefully let down by his bouts of anger.

this will just make you hurt more. don't do this.

you discarded every invasive voice in the back of your brain and found yourself at the library come noon, hidden behind a bookshelf. you browsed the shelves with unseeing eyes, thoughts drowned out by the low murmur of the large crowd seated in front of the small stage in the center.

the library was home to many plays around the city, which you found ironic. would this be another display of dramatism and lies?

just as you found a book with a flattering cover, the mic whined with a little feedback.

"sorry about that."

you knew the voice, but the genuineness was foreign to you. you peeked over the row of books, your blood running cold as you saw katsuki sitting meekly on a chair on the stage.

"hello, everyone. i'm, uh, i'm bakugo katsuki, but most of you might know me as dynamight," he began, scanning the crowd, "a lot of you might not be fond of me based, um, based on my time as a hero."

many voices mumbled in agreement at that, which made him laugh, just the slightest. it made your chest swell with pride he didn't deserve.

"and i really don't blame you. i carried a lot of my immaturity from high school into adulthood. my biggest problem was that i saw heroism as a means to an end, a," he motioned with his hands, trying to find the words, "a stepping stone to being 'the best'--whatever that means. and i got lost in my obsession with my image."

you listened intently, at least half sure that you were listening to a complete stranger talk. the katsuki you knew had nowhere near this much humility.

"with that being said, my first apology goes to you, the people of this beloved city. you deserved someone who had your best interest at heart, and i'm sorry that couldn't be me. but, rest assured, i am very familiar with the current top ten and can say with confidence that they are the heroes you deserve."

you found yourself tearing up at his words, so awestruck by the complete 360 in his persona.

the crowd cheered at his words, as pleasantly surprised with his chanage as you were.

"thank you," he chuckled when the crowd quieted down, "next, i'd like to apologize to my friends and family. they definitely got some of the worst of it. for years, they suggested therapy for the anger that i just couldn't seem to control. and for years, brushed them off, over and over again. i insisted that my anger was fuel for my quirk, when in reality, it was detrimental. dangerous. so, mom, dad, all my friends, i'm sorry it took me so long to take your advice. thank you for standing by me."

you werent sure if the session was being broadcasted, but you sure hope it was. kirishima, mina, sero, and denki deserved to hear it. more than that, you were shocked to discover that he'd also been in therapy. so he really meant it..

another round of applause.

"last, and most important," he sucked in a sharp breath, "i'd like to apologize to the love of my life."

you stilled, as if a bucket of cold water had been poured over your head. no, no way.

"i spent three amazing years with the only person i could ever see myself loving. they were the most patient, the most kind person you could ever imagine. they stood by me during every slandering headline, every angry episode, every single ugly moment. they were there."

you covered your mouth and crouched down to the floor, squeezing you eyes shut. no, hell no, you refused to cry.

he exhaled shakily, rubbing a sweaty palm against his jeans, "they were devoted to me, to us. i'd be nothing without their impact on my life, and i've done the worst job at showing it. i," he stammered, scrunching his eyebrows together, "i ruined what we had, and i've never regret anything more. i know all the philanthropy and therapy and apologies in the world can never take back my insensitivity, but i will never stop being sorry, and i swear i'll grow every day."

you had to clamp your hand harder over your mouth to prevent any sniffles or sobs from escaping and alerting everyone to your presence. his words were so genuine, so wholehearted that you knew he truly had changed.

"i'll love them forever, regardless of if they hate me. with that love, i'll destroy any semblance of the douchebag-asshole-monster i used to be." he smiled out to the crowd as a final goodbye, "thank you, everyone. you don't owe me your forgiveness, but i hope you'll consider forgiving me one day."

people clapped, whistled, cheered for him as he turned off the mic.

meanwhile, your heart was racing. you didn't have a single coherent thought in your mind other than the fact that he loved you. he loves you.

he wasn't begging or crying this time, his acts weren't out of desperation. he was completely and totally vulnerable in front of a group of people that he didn't even know included you.

as people flooded out of the library, you shakily pushed yourself to your feet. what now? how could you possibly be expected to walk all the way to your car and drive home in this state of mind?

with a quick breathing technique your therapist taught you, you calmed down enough to get your hands to stop trembling.

katsuki had started helping the security guards pick up and stack the chairs, making small talk with them as they cleaned up the area.

you wiped at your cheeks, hoping they weren't too blotchy. with a quiet breath, you silently crept away from behind the bookshelf and toward the exit.

unfortunately, your far-from ninja-like skills couldn't get past the years of hero instincts engraved in every muscle fiber of katsuki's body.

"y/n?"

you froze, shoulders tensing as you slowly turned around.

"hey, bakugo," you cleared your throat, averting your eyes, "that was, uh, that was nice of you. good job."

there was something undetectable in his face, something you couldn't put your finger on, "oh, thanks, i-" he stepped closer, but stopped when he sensed your hesitance, "i didn't expect to see you here."

"i didn't expect to be here." you said honestly, fidgeting with your fingers, "but i should, uh, probably get going."

he opened and shut his mouth a few times before he sighed and nodded, "okay. but i really meant it, you know? everything i said."

fuck, you were going to cry again. you didn't want to, not in front of him.

"i know." you nodded, "i don't.. hate you, you know? we both had issues that we chose to resolve separately."

"i just wish," he sighed, looking for the words, "i wish that was't the case."

you couldn't hold in your tears anymore, a few cascading down your cheek, but you quickly wiped them away.

"i know." you swallowed hard, trying to prevent your voice from doing that embarrassing, high-pitched crack, "i do too."

he opened his arms, offering a hug and you just couldn't say no. the space was so perfectly carved for you.

you hugged him tight, burying your face into his shoulder.

"i'm so sorry, y/n. i'm sorry for everything." he whispered into your hair, his voice wet with tears, "i never deserved you."

you just cried harder, knuckles white as you gripped onto the back of his shirt. you wanted to speak, to reassure him that it wasn't completely his fault, but you couldn't pause for a breath long enough to say a single word.

instead, the two of you dropped to the ground, arms wrapped around each other with a desperation that you only feel for each other. a once-in-a-lifetime desperation.

the two of you cried and held each other, and somehow you knew everything was going to be okay.

and this concludes the triology! thank you for the overwhelming support on this series that wasn't even meant to be a series!

taglist: @blackout-ice-biohazard @survivorofmath @iam-thevillain-of-thisstory @odessa-is-my-queen @firesmokeandashes @valentineshiftz @sil-ver-shadow @echosfadve

[sirfrogsworth]

I'm glad folks seem to like my light and effort photography post because I nearly melted my brain trying to write it. Every long post I write usually takes several days and a lot of mental discomfort. But I need to write for my sanity, so I keep on keepin' on.

My recovery is going so slow. In two months I have reduced the dose of the offending medication by 75%. Which sounds like a great success when you say it out loud, but it feels pretty miserable most of the time. The last 25% is proving to be much harder.

It is kind of a mindfuck because the worse I feel the more progress I am making. When I feel shitty, I feel productive. When I don't feel as bad, I feel guilty for slowing my progress.

I am bored because I struggle to concentrate. I am lonely because it is very hard to communicate with friends. My CFS is greatly exacerbated to where it feels like my limbs weigh a thousand pounds. My house continues to be a disaster zone because I can't clean. I barely have any counter space because I am too tired to wash dishes.

I've reached that point of desperation where I keep cleaning the same spoon over and over again.

I have simplified my self care to food, medicine, and sleep. I make sure I am eating. I make sure I take my meds. And I make sure I get as much sleep as possible. I will sort the rest out later.

I haven't been able to do any photography or photo editing in the last 4 months. I miss it very much. But creating that post and giving out photography advice helps a little. Even if it was difficult to write.

It's weird looking at my photography from over 7 years ago. It feels good that a lot of it still holds up. But I know so much more than I used to. Especially when it comes to studio lighting. I have all of this unrealized potential and no energy to create new photos. I have leveled up so much and it is frustrating when I can't show off what I'm capable of now. But I'm hoping if my recovery is successful I can finish building my home studio and photograph cool shit.

In the meantime, I do find photography education rewarding when I have the energy. If my body was fully cured tomorrow I think I would try to be an actual teacher of photography. I really enjoy sharing what I've learned and I think I am pretty good at it. The internet has been a great resource for knowledge but lately it feels like there is a lot of educational noise. It is really difficult for beginners to tell the difference between good and bad information. I look at some of these threads in the "Ask Photography" subreddit and many of the answers make me cringe.

I feel bad because I could really help some of these folks seeking answers but they are stuck with people who aren't really suited to educate. Either they don't know what they don't know and are too confident in their current expertise—causing slightly inaccurate to straight up confusing to blatantly wrong answers.

Or they do know their shit but are patronizing and arrogant to newbies.

I won't lie, there *are* stupid questions. But it is still best practice to act as if there are no stupid questions.

It's hard for me to criticize too much because I started a photography education Tumblr way before I was qualified to do so. I really thought I knew what I was talking about but I did not fully understand what I was teaching. I was mostly parroting what I heard from actual qualified educators. Thankfully when I look back at those posts all of the information is fairly accurate. It seems my saving grace was selecting good teachers.

Knowledge is so weird. You can have the correct information in your brain. You can use that information to get good results. But it is entirely possible to not understand that information.

I actually had a personal "eureka!" moment where everything unlocked almost all at once. I was watching a tutorial and the teacher talked about "image forming reflections" and it felt like every neuron in my brain fired at the same time. I had an epiphany and ever since I have had a deep understanding of light.

Just a single phrase inspired a realization that caused a cascade of other realizations. I've never experienced anything quite like that.

Have any of you ever had an epiphany like that? Aside from that single instance, I've only had mini-epiphanies. Like when I realized the moon is just constantly falling and missing the earth. My brain always imagined astronauts and satellites and the moon as things floating out in space. But everything in the universe is just free falling... all the time. Tom Petty knows what I'm talking about.

But that baby epiphany failed to unlock understanding for all of quantum gravity.

What was this post about?

I think I rambled into a few tangents.

In any case, I feel like crap and that's fantastic.

[thebibutterflyao3]

"Traditional"

@pandalilymicrofics - 727 words

part fourteen - part fifteen - part sixteen

Lily wrapped her arms around Dora and allowed herself to enjoy the moment. This was the hardest part of her recovery, forcing her mind to slow down and acknowledge the present. For so long, she only looked ahead to anticipate disasters before they came, to prepare for the worst. Living in the moment required intent and effort, but was usually worth it. How else would she hold onto the image of Dora curled up against her like a bunny in a burrow, safe and warm?

I miss this far more than anything else. Cuddling in the afterglow is disturbingly underrated. 

“I can hear you thinking. Give it a rest, Lily.”

Amused by the mild reprimand, Lily peered down at her with her best professional smile and said, “I’m trying to decide when it’s appropriate to ask for feedback. In the interest of improvement, would you say you were satisfied? On a traditional scale of 1-10? Or do you have constructive criticism to offer?”

Dora huffed out a weak laugh, her warm breath tickling Lily’s collarbone. “Oh, not you too. First Dorcas, now this. Would you like me to leave a Google review?”

“If you wouldn’t mind,” Lily teased, giggling as she pretended to search the bed behind her. “I’m sure I have a QR code for you to scan somewhere.”

“Big tits and jokes, lucky me,” Dora said, grinning wryly. She grabbed Lily’s arm and insisted on being cuddled properly. “Just hold me for a while, you twit.”

There was an unspoken plea in Dora’s voice that sounded a lot like let me pretend that I can have this. Unsure if that was a good sign or not, Lily acquiesced. If that meant another round in the morning or a proper date in the future, she would happily agree. If it was any deeper than that, Lily doubted it had anything to do with her personally. As much as she prided herself on being able to read people — thank you, trauma — she hadn’t seen any sign of Dora’s interest in her until the drinks started flowing. Which was fine, honestly. 

Lily didn’t know how much of herself she had left to give, anyway. Her ex-husbands had depleted her youth, and the few dates she’d managed to set-up since her latest divorce were little more than glorified hook-ups. Is it too late to start over at 39? To find “the one?” It was an ongoing thought that flitted in and out of her mind when someone new and interesting struck her fancy. Regardless if she pursued the person or not, the query presented itself for consideration.

Annoyed by her mind's meandering, Lily dismissed all of it outright. If she expected to find happiness, she couldn’t let her past define her future. She didn’t put in the time and energy to pursue therapy just to allow insecurities to take control all over again. If she found the right person, who loved her just as she was, brilliant! If not, Lily was prepared to make her own happiness.

“You’re staring,” Dora mumbled sleepily. 

“I can’t believe you’re real,” Lily admitted. She brushed her thumb over Dora’s cheek and smiled. “It still feels like my dreams.”

“Alcohol will do that.”

Dismissing the cranky reply, Lily whispered, “Stay the night, will you? I’ll worry if you leave here half-tipsy in an unfamiliar area.”

Dora grumbled something incoherent, then sighed. “Yeah, alright.”

Satisfied, Lily settled into a comfortable position and closed her eyes. She could hardly blame the woman for wanting to sleep, after all. They’d had their fair share – probably more than their share – of drinks tonight. If Dora didn’t want to talk, she would take a hint and shut up. At least, for now.

The longer she laid there, the more determined Lily was to see where this could go. This wasn't a misguided attempt to date via an app and Dora wasn't exactly a stranger, more like a friend of a friend. Dorcas may as well have set them up, in a matter of speaking.

In the morning, when the haze of a night out was gone, everything would be clearer for both of them. Lily decided right then and there that when she woke up, she’d bring Dora a coffee and ask for a date. No ambiguity, no games. She’d know one way or another if she had a shot right up front.

I think this, whatever this is, could be more. How often do dreams come to life?

[celestie0]

Best way to start off 2025 is with a new chapter of IHM 🥹 I hope you’re feeling much better btw! Food poisoning is a bitch to deal with so I hope the recovery is going well 🥹

I DID NOT except THAT being the Gojo family lore drop holy shit. There’s so much to unpack that even the Gojo’s haven’t started on and it breaks my heart seeing how they tip toe around the topic. The vibes I got are: plaster that smile on your face and keep the convos cute which… yeah it be like that for a lot of us 😭

Sana get behind me, PLEASE. I love that reader was her anchor throughout the evening keeping her sane. It’s miserable feeling like you’re the only person in your own corner so I can’t imagine what she’s been feeling like every gathering before now. I’m hoping that reader and Sana develop a good friendship because I think the two of them could really be good for each other and I love women supporting women 🥰 and Sana needs someone in her corner if reader’s intuition is correct (and we know it is 😭).

Gojo has been so reserved this chapter, which is fine considering this is probably the most vulnerable place location wise he has been so far. He’s always been very calm and collected but after this dinner, it definitely makes sense why he’s like that. He reminds me of how I handle things (as the oldest sibling, I’m usually the one that has to have their shit together and keep the peace) so I got those vibes from him (I could also just be projecting lmao). Instead of talking about it, he seems to avoid it altogether. We still don’t have the whole story so I’m making some assumptions about his person as a whole, but it’s been so interesting to see this family dynamic in action.

Reader, hang in there 😭 I remember slipping once and saying something extremely raunchy in front of my in laws and I wanted to bury myself… but it’ll pass and become a cute little anecdote for dinner in the future. It’s also cute seeing her thought process when she’s questioning why she cares about how Gojo perceives her appearance and who the girl he took to homecoming was (that side bangs image is bringing ME back to my school years 😭). It’s little things like these that build up their relationship that make me feel all warm and fuzzy. The small physical things like their bodies gravitating towards each other at dinner (her knee touching his thigh, almost leaning on his shoulder), Gojo placing his hand on her back, etc is absolute PEAK 😩 you apologized for the lack of romance but I’m HERE for the small things.

I’m probably forgetting a couple things but I fear this ask is getting too long and I don’t wanna overwhelm you 😭 I wanna say, I appreciate every word you put out for us and I’ll continue to do so for as long as you’re willing to share with us! Your talent for writing immersive and realistic scenes keeps me afloat and I’m thankful I get to read it. I hope 2025 treats you incredibly well and I cannot wait to see how the rest of this story plays out 🥰

Have a great week and I hope you feel better soon ❤️

HIII makimais dear i’m so sorry for the late response on this :”) but thansk you SO much for the insight ask aaa i look forward to your ihm reviews so much <33

awh in happy you enjoyed the budding friendship btwn sana and reader <3 reader keeps saying she doesnt want to get too involved in the whole marriage yet she’s privy to sana’s feelings! i loved the idea of having that sort of “perfect family” resolve crumble slowly throughout the chap so it was a lot of fun to write :)

oh no you’re absolutely collect, that’s what i was going for w the whole older sibling thing! im a youngest myself but a couple of my close friends are eldest siblings and they have often shared w me the obstacles that comes with…especially when you’ve had to kinda step up into that parental role! he was absolutely reserved in that chapter n for a reason

yippeee im glad you’re enjoying the small lil romances btwn them <3 i LOOOVEEE when characters just gradually get closer together n before they realize it theyre in love 😩😩 that’s that good shit right there

you’re so sweet bb n omg never hesitate to send me stuff i love hearing your insights :””) have a lovely day my dear!

[zushigirl]

In honor of Come What May…a three part story of how I wish things would turn out… Enjoy! I’ll be posting the full story on AO3 as we go :)

I Take My Coffee Black: Part I

Now…Metro General

“What the hell is this crap?”

Frank practically spits the hot liquid back into the flimsy white paper cup.

“Get off your high horse. It’s Folger’s Instant. Same stuff we used to drink in the desert.”

Curtis takes a sip of his own coffee, studying Frank under the brim of his USMC baseball cap. Curt’s blood shot eyes are a dead giveaway that he – like most of New York – have been up all night. Watching with bated breath as Daredevil and a host of superheroes take on Fisk’s minions.

With a sigh, Frank takes another sip of his coffee. “Goddamn - ”

He hisses slightly, the cut on his lip stinging. Curt had done his best to patch up both Frank and Red after the firefight with Bullseye. Makeup covered most of Frank’s bruises, but it couldn’t conceal the worry in his eyes. He can tell by the way his former medic keeps glancing at him… then at the door across the way.

“This is the best Metro General can afford?” he growls, trying to distract himself.

“At 0500? Yes, it is.”

Frank frowns, looking down the stark pale green hallway. Men and women in blue scrubs walk by at a leisurely pace. Unaffected. Unaware that the bravest, ballsiest woman on the planet is in critical care. Recovering from a gunshot wound.

Mourning the loss of her best friend.

“Foggy!”

He can still hear her scream the Counselor’s name. He can feel her panic, panic he never wanted her to feel. David’s feed made it sound like they were two feet away… instead, it took twenty minutes to get to the bloodbath. Even with Lieberman driving like a maniac.

Goddamnit, we should have gotten there sooner.

His eyes trace the entrance of the recovery room. One of those flimsy blue hospital curtains blocks a small window above the door handle. An added layer of privacy. Damn thing feels more suffocating than any red line.

“She’s gonna be fine,” Curt assures him. “They patched up the exit wound and the broken rib. That maniac may be an expert marksman, but she beat him at his own game.” He pauses before adding, “Karen Page must be a pretty special woman…to make you choose here instead of another war.”

You could choose…you could just choose…

Ocean eyes flicker in his memory. Why hadn’t he told her the truth that day, when he was the one in the hospital bed? He thought leaving her was the right thing. He thought…

Frank stares blankly into the distance as he takes another sip of bland coffee and tries not to think about what could have happened.

Thank god Karen clipped Bullseye’s right hand. The fucker was in custody now. Good thing too. If that psychopath ever made it out of prison…none of Red’s preaching would keep Frank from unleashing hell on Benjamin Poindexter.

Red…

The warble of Channel Five news can be heard from the TV at one of the nursing stations. A flicker of worry rises in Frank’s belly. He wants to be pissed at Red but at the same time…

“You were right Frank. I was just one bad day away. Please don’t let her’s get any worse.”

He can’t shake the hollow sound in Matt Murdock’s voice off of him. Can’t shake the image of the other man standing there in blood. His best friend’s blood. Karen’s blood.

Fuck.

“Mr. Castiglione?”

He turns. A new nurse has come on shift, name tag reads Temple. Her dark brown eyes hover on his cut lip. He gets the impression she takes no bullshit.

“Yes ma’am?”

The nurse sighs, pursuing her lips.

“Karen’s going to be okay.”

She says the name with a warm familiarity. Frank immediately wonders how much this woman knows.

“Blood pressure and heat rate are stable. No signs of any complications from surgery.” Temple hesitates… “Your wife’s a fighter for sure.”

Frank doesn’t meet Curt’s gaze, just prays the other man’s eyes aren’t bursting out of their sockets. There hadn’t had time to brief him on the plan. He was just thankful David was quick to pull some strings. A fake marriage license and a passport may be their only ticket to safety.

The woman pauses, eyes narrowing in the silence.

“I know I haven’t been back in town that long, but I’m kinda miffed no one invited me to the wedding. Thought I would have heard about from Matt or Fog…”

She catches herself, sadness flashing across her face.

“Fuck…I’m sorry.”

“No – uh – he’d…he would have wanted all of Karen’s friends to know.” Frank feels his throat tightening. “He loved her too. Probably better than me or… Re…or Matt … if I’m being honest.”

He remembers the look of stricken panic on the Counselor’s face all those years ago. When he’d asked Karen to stay. What would the man’s reaction be to what he asks now?

An older nurse approaches, waving his clipboard at Temple. “She’s up,” he gestures towards Karen’s room. “Threatened to pull out her IV if I don’t get her a real cup of coffee. Told her it’s water only for the next twelve hours. She wasn’t happy.”

Frank chuckles despite himself. “Atta’ girl,” he murmurs.

“Are you coming, Mr. Castiglione?”

The way Temple sizes him up conveys that she trusts him even if she doesn’t believe his story.

He feels his pulse jump. They’d seen each other in the midst of the fight but they hadn’t spoken. Hadn’t spoken since that horrible day when she walked out of his hospital room barefoot. What could he say to her? How could he possibly ask her to –

“She’s waiting, Frank.” Curt’s voice is one of gentle reassurance.

He takes a deep breath, turns on his heels, the stops. “Curt… go home. You’ve done enough. I’ll stand the watch.”

His friend frowns. “You sure man?” I don’t mind staying.”

Frank pauses before answering, a memory flickering in his mind’s eye. Karen and Nelson, sitting at the hipster coffee shop across from their law firm. Sipping coffee and going over case notes. He’d watched from the roof two streets over, not proud to admit the number of times he’d checked on Karen from afar.

“Proof Coffee opens at 0800. Can you come back tomorrow morning with a real damn cup? Make that two. She takes hers black with a sprinkle of cinnamon.”

The nurse seems impressed that he knows Karen’s drink of choice. Curt has enough ware with all to keep a neutral face.

“I’m on it. I’ll let Lieberman know your staying here. See you in 27 hours.”

He spins on his heels and walks down the hall.

Frank watches him go, then follows nurse Temple across the waiting area. She opens the door to the recovery room, pushing back that damn blue curtain quietly. Then she gestures for Frank to step in front of her.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The sound of the vitals monitor is a steady hum. It’s oddly comforting.

And terrifying.

It means Karen is awake. It means he’s about to speak to her for the first time in… far too long.

He finds the courage to look forward and he sees her. Sitting upright in the bed. Face turned to the window. The sunrise casting her in a celestial glow. Her expression is a haunted one Frank knows all too well…but not the shock of someone who’s new to trauma.

He realizes in that moment that his gut instinct was right. Karen’s felt this kind of pain before.

“Karen, your husband is here.” Temple’s voice is gentle.

A quiet feels the air. Time stops. In the void, Frank wonders if his heartbeat is loud enough for Red to hear all the way across Manhattan.

He watches Karen turn her head. Watches her eyes widen in confusion at the word husband. Then recognition. Then something he’s too scared to name.

They’re both silent for a moment, not noticing as the nurse slips out. Then tears are welling in Karen’s eyes and Frank is falling to his knees by her hospital bed.

“Hey, hey,” he chokes out. “I lied. I lied. Okay? That day…Karen…”

Soft fingers grab his trembling ones. He places his free palm over hers, holding with two hands now.

“I know you lied, you asshole,” Karen says between sobs. “You’re such an asshole…but I…” Her ocean eyes are bright with the words they won’t say yet.

“Yeah,” he laughs. “Yeah, I am.”

“Please tell me you brought real coffee.”

The sound of footsteps silences Frank’s answer.

*

27 hours later…

“I’ll take three drip coffees,” Curtis Hoyle smiles at the barista, waiting for a response.

The bleary-eyed girl with wild auburn tinted hair and a cut-off t-shirt reading MJ just blinks at him.

“Cool. You want room for milk or cream?”

“No…uh…actually, can you sprinkle some cinnamon in one of them.”

The girl gives a half nod as Curtis swipes his card. He sighs, stepping to the side of the cheerful yellow counter. He knows he’s getting old, but whoever Proof Coffee’s manager is could have done a better job with hiring. MJ has the bedside manner of cardboard; not great for 0800 on a Thursday –

Piiinnnggg!

The girl passes three paper cups to Curt, hurriedly grabbing her phone from its charging station. He takes a few sips of his cup, watching her agitated movements.

“Peter! Jesus Christ! Is everyone okay…”

Her hazel eyes widen in relief and Curtis feels guilty for judging her. MJ’s been worried.

“News. Alright. I’ll take a look. Be careful.”

The call’s barely over before the teen is swiping on her phone. Curtis takes a final swig of his own coffee while grabbing to-go lids, trying to look casual.

“Everything good? You seem a little stressed.”

MJ bobs her head, flipping her phone in Curtis’s face. Apple News.

“Shit,” Curtis mutters as he reads the screen.

He turns to leave, then thinks twice. Grabs the two coffees. He may need them as an excuse to sneak back into the hospital.

“Thank you, Miss!”

He leaves MJ staring at her phone. At the headline…

FRANK CASTLE, THE PUNISHER, REPORTEDLY SEEN AT METRO GENERAL.

[vimara00]

Hi everyone, it's Vi! ✨ Today I decided to write something with the trope "she fell first but he fell harder" because I can. Also, I wanna wish u a Merry Christmas!!! 🎅 🎄

Hope you enjoy! ❤️ (Again, sorry if there are any grammatical mistakes, english is not my first language 🙈)

Pd: It's gonna be a part 2

All characters reservations to Horikoshi

Warnings: jealousy

Too blind to see (Kirishima x F!reader)

(Image created with AI)

Kirishima and y/n have known each other since birth as both of their mothers were friends. They dreamed of the two of them getting along and, in an ideal future, getting married and giving them grandchildren, but it was too early for the last part. They became inseparable and did everything together; They went to the same kindergarten, same high school, and even managed to enter the UA. However, because of y/n "sanation" quirk, she was at another class. But that wasn't an impediment for seeing each other every day. And when she wasn't with Kirishima and his friends, she would be helping on the nursery as part of her training. Her mentor, Recovery girl, always said that she'll take her place when she retired, so y/n needed to work extra hard if she wanted to be able to save heroes' lives during battle.

Kirishima was y/n's number one fan; she was his muse, his rock, and his 'best friend' while for her...he was way more than that. She was in love with her best friend and came with the realisation, at a very young age, that he didn't see her as a potential partner so she kept her mouth shut for all this years, scared of rejection.

However, lately, Kirishima's been more protective than normal; At first, she thought it probably had something to do with the LOV's recent attack, but certain actions made her think otherwise...

The other day, Deku came in with new injuries, and because he was a regular patient, he talked a lot with y/n while she treated his wounds. They became very good friends as she was one of the few who knew of OFA. Kirishima hadn't noticed how close they were till he came in later that day to check on Midoriya and found them siting next to eachother (shoulders touching and being VERY VERY close for his liking) reading and talking about his notes. He was standing at the door annoyed by the scene happening in front of him, and suddenly, a new sensation came with it, one he couldn't put into words, but it felt similar to fear. Of what? He was yet to find out...

He decided enough was enough and entered the room, making his presence known. Izuku might have noticed the intense look Kirishima was giving him cause he tensed and moved a little so his body wasn't touching hers at all; He knew that, even though the redhead was such a great guy, when it came to her, he sure as hell would beat someone up just because that person looked the wrong way (Midoriya has seen it many times). Y/n didn't think much of it as she greeted him with a kiss on the cheek and kept doing some reports that Recovery girl has left for her. After she was done, they left so Izuku could rest, but not before she gave him a quick hug and said their goodbyes. Kirishima was rather quiet all the way to her doorm, and once they arrived, he said 'You are really close with Midoriya, ah?' 'Yes, he's a really nice guy! He comes almost every day so he's my favorite patient by now' His face turned into a frown to that and respond 'Is that so?' He hadn't stopped looking intensibly at her, and it was making the e/c girl nervous. <Why does he sound like he's jealous?> The girl was wondering when suddenly, he grabbed her forearm gently so her body was now facing him. His eyes were no longer on her but the floor, and he whispered 'I don't like you being that friendly with him. I'm supposed to be the one who receives your hugs and the one you tend their wounds of!' He paused for a few seconds and finally looked at her as he continued 'I don't like sharing your attention or you affection. I know it's selfish but lately, when I see you with others, it hurts and it annoys me...I feel kind of left out and I don't like it one bit' Someone would of assumed this 'sensations' Kirishima was having were of pure jealousy or envy because of the threaten of her finding someone else and that this might have been his confession but no. He's convinced himself, and her, that it was his mission as a 'big bro' that he needed to be sure the guy she settled for was a nice one. That night, both of them went to sleep with a huge weight of their hearts. Y/n because she realized that nothing has changed and that she'd always be his friend no matter how cute she dressed or how mature she acted, she'd never be his first option. As for him... He felt his chest tighten at the thought of her being with some other dude.

The next few days, he did everything in his power to not let Midoriya or any other of his friends near y/n, but he couldn't control everyone for too long, could he? It wasn't long enough until UA most handsome guy, had to pay a visit to the nursery and even took the chance to invite her to endeavors agency to work with them. She was very excited to tell him about what happened and that she accepted their offer, but Kirishima had to pretend that he was happy when he actually was feeling sad)?

Since then, mister cute face has spent too much time with her and did everything together; from eating lunch to going on missions alone and then having dinner at his house (Midoriya and Bakugou were there too but still) The redhead was going crazy to say the least. However, he began to wonder if these emotions were similar to the ones a brother would have for his little sister or more like a boyfriend would have for his girl. The word 'jealousy' came along with those thoughts and so he understood why he got so annoyed and anxious whenever she was with someone else or how worried he got by just the idea of her having a boyfriend or even marrying someone; marrying someone who wasn't him. He was in love with her! All this time, he actually thought he was doing the right thing by being protecting her from praying eyes but he was just keeping her to himself instead. He realized how mistaken he had been and needed to make his intentions clear for her even if she rejected him. He just needed to find the right time

....

Part 2 in a few days 😉

[etes-secrecy-post]

Hi, before I explain my post, I want to say something important.

• What you see my blog has become a major overhaul. And despite the changes, I decided that my 2nd account will be now my artwork blog with a secret twist.

⚠️NEW RULE! (W/ BIGGER TEXT!)⚠️

⚠️ SO PLEASE DO NOT SHARE MY 2nd ACCOUNT TO EVERYONE! THIS SECRECY BLOG OF MINE IS FOR CLOSES FRIENDS ONLY!⚠️

• AND FOR MY CLOSES FRIENDS, DON’T REBLOG IT. INSTEAD, JUST COPY MY LINK AND PASTE IT ON YOUR TUMBLR POST! JUST BE SURE THE IMAGE WILL BE REMOVED AND THE ONLY LEFT WAS THE TEXT.

⚠️ SHARING LINKS, LIKE POSTS, REBLOG POSTS, STEALING MY SNAPSHOT PHOTOS/RECORDED VIDEOS/ARTWORKS (a.k.a. ART THIEVES) OR PLAGIARIZING FROM UNKNOWN TUMBLR STRANGERS WILL IMMEDIATELY BE BLOCKED, RIGHT AWAY!⚠️

😡 WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT EVER LIKED & REBLOG MY SECRET POST! THIS IS FOR MY SECRET FRIENDS ONLY, NOT YOU! 😡

Okay? Capiche? Make sense? Good, now back to the post…↓

Christmas Decorations around the Mall, ft. My Paper Dolls - Part 1 [Nov 29th & Dec 4th, 2024]

Hello, December! 🎄🎅 Sadly, no #OnThisDay throwback post for this date because I've got some Christmas photos that will slightly cheer me up, but keep in mind that I'm still 'slow recovery' from my 'Major Depression' (without taking Anti-depressant medical pills 🚫💊). That being said, remember what I said that I was slightly happy in 'Part 9' of my 'Maxi Tune Experience' [CLICK ME!]? 🤔 You could say this topic right here, but there's more than that. So, I'll reveal it soon. 😉 For now, though, since we are approaching a few weeks before Christmas 🎄🌟 (not to mentioned 'New Year 2025 🎆🗓️'), I must upload these cheerful Christmas decorations around the mall from Nov 29th & Dec 4th, 2024. 📸📲 And what better way than joining with my beloved Paper Dolls 🐻👨‍🍳|🐰👩‍🍳 (that will soon be replaced with a fresher look)! 😊

So, without further ado, let's get started with 'Part 1':

🎄📸 Nov 29th, 2024: Shangri-La Plaza 📲🌟

• Arguably the MOST fanciest mall I've come across is the 'Shangri-La Plaza' 🏢 located at the Mandaluyong City, and my second time that I've visited. With the 1st time moment was my former 'Best Friend' (which I won't say it his name 😑) and myself chillin' out at the Starbucks branch. ☕🍩�� Meanwhile, in my recent moment, here you could see their hanging unique Christmas presents and tree were lit and alive as other Christmas Decos from other malls, later on. Now, their dancing water fountains were A-Okay if nothing special (well, at least it is relaxing. 😌), but the biggest moment inside this fancy mall is this wonder 1950s Chevrolet 3100 Pickup Truck surrounded by Christmas Decos and a Santa Claus riding behind the said pickup truck 🛻🎄🎅, which located inside the Rustan's premium store branch (Shangri-La Plaza). You know, how much I loved 'Cars' and 'Christmas', as much as next person, or YOU ❤️🚘🎄. And it was a match haven for US! 😊 Look at it! My two adorable paper dolls are so happy to see the opportunity! And we could never forget. 😁

Well, that's all for now. Pls, stay tuned for 'Part 2' for another Christmas Decorations around the mall. 🎄🏢😉

[happilylovingchaos]

Last @lonestar-s5countdown Beginnings and Endings Week Post

I have a new work schedule now! And Lone Star is ending with season 5 real soon! That’s been fun getting used to… (/s) so I’ll post my fanfic/ music recs as one post tomorrow. Let’s see how much I can post w/o this becoming a complete image-less wall of stream-of-consciousness… but it will still be inevitable to everyone in the LS fandom who follows my handle and welcomed me. And if I haven’t said it yet, or enough, or sincerely in the last almost-year, thank you. Just thank you for your niceness, all your everything you’ve expressed, letting me be part of the fan group! I really really hope the end of the show doesn’t mean the end of this community, but whatever happens, it’s been a hella exhilarating, emotional, and lively experience.

(1) Which 911 Lone Star season premier is your favorite?

It’s a draw between seasons 2 and 4– I like the season premieres of 1 and 3 as much as everyone but holy hell I was not ready for the emotional twists in them to hit me the way they did. I am still in emotional recovery in both the good and bad ways. Both 2 and 4, until their respective cliffhangers, were quite light-hearted and self-contained with hints at the storylines to come, and those were easier for me to enjoy. Plus, Tommy, Gwyn and Iris (re-debut, in Iris’ case) had some colorful debuts! (I will always wish that Owen and Gwyn’s characters had a little more time together outside of the wit/ playfulness/ vitriol, and a couple more scenes with TK without their son always needing to be middle-man. But Rob, Lisa and Ronen played off of each other so well!) Gina’s portrayal of Tommy was just magnetically charismatic even without Michelle there— ‘Nuff said. And while I had issues with Iris’ bluntness (especially since it sorta re-opened some of TK’s emotional wounds), I could relate to being on both sides of a conversation in a similar situation to her— seeming hard to read/ confusing to most everyone around her (sometimes even with trusted family/ friends), and being confused/ offended by the delivery of what we convey.

(2) Which character do you think had the best introduction or first scene in the show?

I’m gonna say… it’s a toss-up between Judd and Grace for their natural first integration into the story and the first successful show>tell moment about them (specially Judd) in the series, Marjan (social media firefighter Muslim badass, in a description), and Mateo (for his own intro as unassuming but more than capable— Julian nails the portrayal of this character archetype in LS and The Long Game). Confusingly honorable mention goes to Michelle in hindsight, though? To me, she’s okay as a character, but I do understand where some fans were put off by her personality/ Liv’s portrayal.

(3) What is your favorite moment of 1x01?

Judd officially starting his end of the friendship with Owen by strong-arming him into accepting a chocolate chip cookie— you try saying no to a big Texan guy played by Jim Parrack and a mom and daughter holding a platter of chocolate chip cookies. Really, it’s tricky and you will probably get on their respective neutral if not shit lists. And Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” was quite a bop to end on! (Though, how did people find that wild? Just a little confused.)

(4) How did you first start watching Lone Star and how did you find out about it?

My aunt showed my mom and me the first parts of season 3– I saw… looking back on it, I’m a bit fuzzy on details but sometime in 2022 (def not consecutive days tho), I think I saw part of 3x04, then 3x07, and all of 3x08. And that last episode made me sob, I’m not ashamed to admit it now or in my grief week post. (My mom, grandma, uncle and aunt were watching it with me at dinner and were very confused about why I was crying.) Then I saw the last 3 eps, and it got me curious/hooked, so I went into season 4 kinda blind. Then I downloaded Hulu to catch up on the series proper, and the rest is rewatch history.

(5) What is one wish you have for the season 5 premiere?

Mostly that the overall narratives don’t feel too rushed or forced should there be a timeskip? I hate that Fox couldn’t get the show renewed… but on a lighter note? I’d like a solid explanation/ in-character reason for Grace’s absence that IS NOT a character death, a breakup, or anything relating to misblaming Wyatt.

Open tag to everyone as well!

[saltineofswing]

ANOTHER EARTH, FILE 001 – BATMAN

Circa 1996-2003 – ‘BRUCE WAYNE’S TERRIBLE HORRIBLE NO-GOOD VERY BAD DECADE’

The turn of the century is bad for everybody in a world where there’s a new catastrophe every week, but for Batman especially, this is a rough stretch. To this point, all of the despotic alien dictators and insane transdimensional imps have been haranguing Superman, up the coast in Metropolis, But in 1996, the Thanagarian Invasion of Earth occurs, and the Justice League is shaken to is very core. In 1997, Grayson trades up to Nightwing, and Bruce takes on a new Robin, the young Jason Todd, who is definitely going to be fine don’t worry about it. 

This'un is a doozy, truly comic-tier explanation below the cut.

In 1998, shit hits the fan for Batman specifically. Surprise! The Joker kills Jason Todd while perpetrating a scheme outside of the US, right as Bruce and Jason are on the cusp of truly bonding as father and son. A couple months later, the Joker reappears in Gotham and cripples Barbara Gordon, then-Batgirl and also the daughter of Commissioner James Gordon, one of Batman’s staunchest allies. The Joker’s sudden and somewhat inexplicable slide from dangerous, but goofy, crime gimmicks into genuine stochastic terrorism sets off a chain reaction amongst Gotham’s gallery of rogues. In 1999, at around the one-year-mark of Jason’s death, Tim Drake convinces Bruce to accept him as the new Robin after reverse-engineering Batman’s secret identity.

And in 2000, a new and dangerous foe emerges to challenge Batman, self-styled as Batman’s greatest foe – his bane, if you will. It’s Bane. And Bane breaks the bat. During Bruce’s recovery period, he selects Azrael to fill in for him. Azrael, as an unstable zealot at the best of times, ultimately defeats Bane but also does real damage to Bruce’s personal sphere; between the death of Robin II and Bruce choosing to keep his infirmity a secret from his coworkers in the Justice League and subsequent confusion around just who was in the bat-suit during this period, Batman’s reputation takes a substantial black eye at every level, and Bruce starts to cut himself off from friends and family. 

In 2002, a massive earthquake hits the United States’ eastern seaboard, with the epicenter just barely offshore of Gotham City. The city is plunged into absolute chaos due to extreme structural damage to a huge portion of Gotham’s downtown area; the island on which most of the city is built is cut off from the mainland, and the federal government evacuates about 75% of Gotham’s civilian population. The remaining 25% of civilians are basically left to die, as the government declares Gotham City a federal No-Man’s Land, locking down its border. Warring supervillain factions and desperate militarized police forces are eventually brought to heel… by Bane, who takes over Gotham in the confusion. 

Bruce returns to Gotham with Catwoman and finally defeats Bane personally, bringing an expanded Bat-Family to bear and restoring his public image. He also internalizes, finally, the value of relying on other people. He takes a liking to the new Batgirl who emerges during this trial, Cassandra Cain, and formally establishes ties to Stephanie Brown (briefly Robin, currently Spoiler). Simultaneously, Lex Luthor leverages a metric fuck-ton of political influence to get Gotham’s borders reopened, using the positive publicity to get a pardon of past crimes from the President and undetake a Senatorial campaign. 

The suit reflects how utterly fucked Batman’s life is during this period of time. Battered, frayed, with armor plating literally strapped on where old pieces have been damaged or torn off. The tech boom resulting from the Thanagarian Invasion has begun to hit every layer of civilian life at this point, which means villains are starting to get more and crazier gadgets and Batman is forced to keep up. Stylistically it takes inspiration from late-80s/early-90s Batman suits; it’s also the debut of my solution to the costume boyshorts ‘problem’ (I don’t necessarily think it’s a problem, mind you) – Thigh highs!

Back To Title

Circa 1990

Circa 1992

Circa 2003-2007

Circa 2008+

[positivelybeastly]

Plot Wishlist

General:

Any X-characters, but especially Storm, Shadowkat, Cyclops, Iceman, Jean Grey, Abigail Brand, Havok, Dazzler, Colossus, Mr. Sinister, Charles Xavier, Magneto, Sabretooth, et al.

Verse specific plots below.

Feline Hank:

Decimation/Utopia-era plots, perhaps including a PTSD recovery arc for Hank after his torture at the hands of Norman Osborn. Poor guy was literally having flashbacks at the drop of a hat and the best he got was a 'you're the rock, so idk just cope better' speech - would love to dive into this.

Fun, shippy things! Hank is a loveable fella, but utterly bereft of actual self-esteem - tons of ego and bluster, but self-esteem? Wrong house, miss - and I love to see him reconcile the often inflated mental portrait he has of others with his diabolical self-image.

Mutant cure. Hank has a vial of it just sitting in a freezer. All it takes is one particularly bad day.

Post-Intervention Hank:

Anything with any X-character, diving into the period of time between All-New X-Men and Krakoa. Hank screwed up, majorly, and his emotional state is ridiculously fractious - engage with him on this! Force him to change! Or let's have blazing arguments! Let's do both, fuck it!

Inhuman + Kang interactions! Hank was only with them for a short period of time in the grand scheme of things, but I dearly love that he made friends during his time here, and it breaks my heart that he felt like he couldn't go back after Inhumans vs. X-Men.

Avengers:

Defenders interactions! Especially Isaac Christians (Gargoyle), Patsy Walker (Hellcat) and Heather Douglas (Moondragon). I love this team - they're such a weird, kooky team of misfists and emotionally damaged individuals.

Threnody. I'm tired of talking about her as the first brick in the wall for Hank's downfall - let's talk about her as a character, let's engage with the situation, let's call Hank out, let's let him off the hook, let's do something with it!

X-Force:

Any and all members of the Quiet Council, perhaps a thread making sense of Beast's numerous karma houdinis. My portrayal of X-Force Beast diverges from the cartoon character you've seen in Percy's books, but I still want to engage with the situations he must've found himself in and write them like an adult. Let's get political, let's get complicated, let's get cruel, why not?

Any and all interactions where an old friend asks Beast what the hell he's doing and what happened to him. I just want someone to care that Beast has hollowed out his soul and decided it's easier to not care.

Irredeemable Beast:

Pretty much anything, but the tone of this verse suits Fall of X-themed plots and character development over all else. I have an in-progress fic about this verse that I'm working on - I can't tell you how overjoyed I'd be to talk about it with someone. Let's talk redemption, let's talk punishment, let's talk justice, let's talk masochism, let's talk death wishes!

Dark Beast:

Any Age of Apocalypse characters.

A duplicate Hank, tbh!

The guy's a stinker, abuse him, please.

Battle of the Atom:

Any of the time displaced X-Men, future X-Men, or members of the Jean Grey and Charles Xavier School faculty. This version of Hank is so broken and so tragic and so pitiable. Let's engage with that. Let's talk about the future, let's talk about optimism, let's talk about broken faith and mind control and hatred.

President Blaire. If you know, you know.

And obviously, all of the X-characters mentioned above, or hell, any member of the extended X-family, would be much loved as an intersection with all of these plots!

And keep in mind, if you aren't one of these characters, that doesn't mean any of this plot material is off limits to you! Message me, ask me, let's work something out. I crave good character dynamics, hmu. I want to write with you, or I wouldn't be here.

[paperairplanemob]

New years retrospective 2023

What was the single best thing that happened this past year? Brittany got a good job that she’s totally kicking ass at.

What was the single most challenging thing that happened? Our dog that we’ve had for 13 years suddenly had a stomach flip and had some complications after the surgery. We ended having to make the call to let him go.

What was an unexpected joy this past year? I let myself be weird (and maybe a little spicy) in my writing and now I’m writing a lot more.

What was an unexpected obstacle? We had layoffs at work this summer followed by a reorganization that put me in an area that almost burned me out super-fast.

Pick three words to describe 2023. Frustration, perseverance, discovery

Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2023 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you). keep on growing

Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2023 (again, without asking). recovery, new normals

What were the best books you read this year? fine. Fine. I give up. Here’s my emotional support crackfic. Happy?

With whom were your most valuable relationships? Made some good friends at work, and grew in my relationship with Brittany.

What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year? I’m discovering my own self-worth, and it’s honestly feeling like I’ve wasted years of my life trying to fit this false image of who I thought I was “supposed” to be.

In what way(s) did you grow emotionally? I’m in the process of learning the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness.

In what way(s) did you grow spiritually? I’m starting to come to some terms with what I’ve “believed” maybe not being as well-defined as I once thought. Between that and my newfound self-worth, I’m having to wrestle with some things that I had taken for granted.

In what way(s) did you grow physically? I kept a better eye on my back and used the tricks I learned in PT last year, and I’m feeling alright about my back now!

In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others? not sure yet, but I’m learning to put things on the calendar.

What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)? things I’ve learned building Smolblog have fed back into what I’m building at work and vice versa.

What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)? Figuring out what (I want) to work on.

What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year? Probably Smolblog: despite the progress I’ve made, I’ve also gone in a few circles.

What was the best way you used your time this past year? actually planning and doing instead of just daydreaming.

What was biggest thing you learned this past year? I’m not done yet,

Create a phrase or statement that describes 2023 for you. I’ve come a long way, and I’m proud of that. But I’m still not Out Of the Woods (Taylor’s Version).

[deuterosapiens]

So I started reading Chuck Palahniuk's novel Fight Club on something of a whim. Yes it was a book before a movie. Yes, I stopped Under the Whispering Door to read it (which I will pick back up now that Fight Club is over; it will not languish on the shelf of unfinished books like so, so many other things).

Like many a person, I've seen the film a fair number of times. It's one of those highly quotable films that makes up about thirteen percent of all film references that aren't Mean Girls (quick aside: how well do these two films specifically compare? There's probably some interesting parallels for another time, though that's not important). Unlike many a person, my first experience with Chuck Palahniuk's writing was the short-story "Guts," which is fairly unpleasant for the squeamish, rather than this. It felt like the logical place to start with his novelist work. I've got Choke ordered as a potential follow-up (Sam Rockwell makes all movies better).

All the discourse and discussion of what it's really about has all been had and I'm afraid I can't really add anything interesting to the discussion. Is it social satire? Is it a critique of toxic masculinity, anarchy, the destruction of the hetero-male image? What's it stand for, what's it believe in? What ideas does it promote?

The reading I found the most interesting here, which is the one I found the most relatable or relevant to me, given my own personal drama, however, was that it's a perfectly good critique of toxic escapism. I'm fairly certainly this was not exactly what Palahniuk had in mind when it was written.

Consider this: a person becomes bored with their life and runs off with a fantastic stranger to a new world. No one on earth would bat an eye to that description applying to basically every piece of escapist fiction ever written. And yet, if you boil it down to the essential elements, removing the fat, this is an adequate description of the events of Fight Club's first act.

The fantasy becomes worse and it takes a destructive toll. What was initially a medicine has become an addiction, and, like all addictions, eventually the fantasy isn't enough. Fight club is no longer enough and so Tyler kickstarts Project Mayhem. I consider this an important point as the novel makes it extraordinarily clear that Tyler Durden isn't starting Project Mayhem for social reform, but because his friend, the unnamed Narrator (I think the sequel calls him Sebastian, but I obviously haven't read Fight Club 2 yet; yes there's a sequel; it's a graphic novel as opposed to the original which is a novel that's quite graphic, but not a graphic novel; where was I again?), is no longer having his escapist needs met through the fights.

Project Mayhem grows out of control and the Narrator realizes, too late, none of this is okay. It's then that he realizes the tomato in the mirror, that Tyler is a dissociative self created to cope with just being actually bored as hell of living. Okay, technically he created Tyler because he was interested in Marla Singer (sort of, the part of him that was interested in her became Tyler, it's a bit murky, the details, but that's not strictly important).

So, in-universe, everything that happens is the literal exact result of an actual fantasy going too far.

What I find best about this reading though is how it plays with the ending. A brief note: the film ending, with the explosions set to the Pixies' "Where is my Mind?," doesn't happen; instead the explosives fail, and the Narrator is left recovering in a hospital after having shot his face-out (where Project Mayhem members await eagerly his recovery and the recovery of the Tyler Durden persona).

You have someone who has ran away to some other world as a means of escaping their own problems, who learns that this fantasy is causing them more harm than good, who then takes action to recover themselves and return to the real world. Still, there will always be that possible thread, the lingering will, desire, to leave reality behind again and succumb to the fantasy.

I think a lot of us, who used books or games or movies or what have you to ignore our day-to-day routine problems, can relate to that. To finally wanting to confront the problem you've avoided head-on, and feeling that tug, a little pull in your mind, something drawing you back to the distraction. The easy-way, always available if you want it.

Perhaps I did have something to say about Fight Club the novel after all. I know I broke the rules (the first rule of fight club: you do not talk about fight club; the second rule of fight club: you do not talk about fight club), but perhaps that's the point. The delusion by itself is no fun; madness spread to others (folie à deux) is a riot.

Perhaps that's why we need a Marla, a tether to ground us (even if painfully), when the fantasy can no longer be differentiated from reality.

[mylittleredgirl]

♡ dear rare pair creator ♡

thank you for creating something for me! i hope you're excited about whatever we matched on.

i'm pretty easily delighted, so i'm sure i will enjoy whatever you create. i'm including likes/dislikes and a few prompt ideas below in case they are useful to your process, but i LOVE being surprised by things i did not consider, so if you have another idea, please run with it!

--

general likes/dislikes are the same as on the exchange request, broken out into bullet points for easier reading:

general things I love:

happy/hopeful ending

episode-related fic

canon divergence

fix-its

friends to lovers

new or deepening relationship

pre-ship friendship/ust

pining

hurt/comfort

healing and recovery

reuniting after time apart

working through complications (e.g. working together while having a relationship, emotional baggage, traumas inflicted by canon, etc)

including other canon characters in the fic

polyamory dynamics

5 times

all ratings are welcome.

kinks enjoyed

soft dom/sub

praise kink

edging

aliens made them do it (or local canon equivalent)

overindulgence

masturbation

body worship (especially related to body image/weight gain/aging)

i have never said no to a quality blow job or hand job fic

sweet i-love-you sex works for me too!!

DNWs:

permanent character death

hurt no comfort

crossovers (except within extended canon universe, e.g. across star trek shows)

historical AUs

supernatural AUs where the characters are werewolves, etc (supernatural elements like telepathy/psychic powers/soulmates are fine)

vampires and zombies (ghosts and other canon-typical cryptids are ok!)

non-canon nicknames

bashing of characters or canon past relationships (except sam carter’s collection of questionable exes on SG-1, i can live with that).

--

🛸 the x-files

i fell back in love with late-season x-files this year! doggett/reyes was my fic writing origin story, and i am fully back on my bullshit with those two. i also LOVE the dynamic of the three agents in season nine, as people and friends, and it would be so interesting to explore as lovers. random prompt ideas:

john gets knocked around a lot — so what if it's monica's turn to be hurt/in danger on a case, and john's turn to find her or care for her afterward?

doggett/scully/reyes would be so complicated and interesting!! scully learning to trust anyone except mulder; how would it feel for john to spend time around william; there's a good chance this isn't monica's first poly rodeo, but what about the other two... etc etc any little bit about their dynamic would be fun to play with.

the real prompt for the ot4 would be "okay, but for real, how do they not kill each other?" but in a fun way.

--

🛰 babylon 5

this show is an old, old fave, so anything you write will feel like seeing beloved old friends again. pre-series, during, or post-series are all great, and i'm a fan of canon divergence! most of these characters get pretty traumatized by the narrative, and their relationships could be understandably fucked up as a result, but i like it when characters are good and loving at their core -- even if it looks messy while they figure themselves out.

i would love any fix-it that saves talia, with any combination of people involved

did lyta and talia know each other as young telepaths/psi cops interns?

for sinclair/sakai: i LOVE a reunion-of-exes-but-now-it's-right ship soooo much. anything along their journey, including a potential future where she goes with him to minbar or they otherwise reunite again, would be fun to read!

(note: i have read "to dream in the city of sorrows," so if you know it and want to use it as a backdrop for a sinclair/sakai future fic that's fine, but i'm NOT attached and would also love to see your canon divergence of choice!)

--

👽 stargate sg-1

clone sam/jack: i love it best when these two are still themselves, working through some angst and alienation from both their past and their new lives, but also with hope for a sweet future together. there's such a good opportunity for tension between what they were and what they are, both personally and for their relationship.

what's something that used to be normal, but feels so different now? (e.g. if one of them is in danger or injured... but could be anything!)

after they survive high school, what's next? when do their lives start to feel like their own?

janet fraiser/daniel jackson: these two often fall together very easily in the background of sam and jack fics, but they have lots of fun complications of their own (their professional lives; daniel's past; janet raising a traumatized child...), and they have so much potential to be good and loving and maybe a little snarky together.

heroes canon divergence where she survives but it’s a close thing — how does that impact them (either pre-relationship or established)?

something set off-world, since janet so rarely gets to travel through the gate...

--

👾 jake 2.0

this is an extremely niche pairing and so you are definitely not here to write this, but i love jake and diane sooooo much. if, by some rare pair miracle, you have seen this show (!!) i would adore ANYTHING about them!!

--

⚾️ deep space nine

i love this floating bicycle wheel in space and everyone inside it so much!!

julian/ezri: the canon execution of this pairing was not great, but somehow i still really ship it. it's complicated, there's war trauma, there's joining trauma, but i think they could recover together and be friends and lovers for real. i'll take anything from silly fluff to a messy deep dive, totally up to you.

what if the war has lasted longer, and it had taken longer for them to get together?

they could do with some shenanigans i think

miles/keiko/kira: there's so much potential here for fun and healing and cultural exchange, and at the end of the day, i just want kira to keep her new family.

during the series: what if they just keep delaying kira's move-out after the baby is born...

anything about getting the family (the whole ds9 family or just this family!) back together post-series

jadzia dax/lenara kahn: truly the closest we get to a canon soulmate au. i love them and want them to be happy 😭.

what if lenara was telling the truth, and just needed more time?

(note: i haven't read the ds9 post-series novels, but if you have and want to use them, i'm happy to memory beta anything i need to know to appreciate the fic!)

--

✨ voyager

b'elanna/kes: i believe that b'elanna loves and wants gentleness, even if she doesn't know what to do with it at first. i also adore kes as a character. her kindness! her powers, and how she is both drawn toward them and a little scared of them! her brief and vibrant life!

kes has no preconceptions about klingons, so how does that impact how b'elanna sees herself?

anything at all to do with kes's developing powers (and maybe how b'elanna reacts to them...?)

--

🍻 cheers

diane chambers/sam malone: this couple is an absolute disaster, but i would like them to annoy each other til death do they part. ideas:

how do they support each other (well or very badly) in their ongoing mental health/addiction challenges?

what if they stayed in touch on her writing retreat and/or she came back as promised?

if they did get married, diane would co-own the bar and i'm sure she would have ideas about what to do with it...

--

thank you again!! i hope this was useful and not overwhelming. you are totally welcome to toss it out and surprise me 💕 anonymous asks are turned on for this account if you have follow-up questions.

[iphoneartgirl]

I Have Received 14 Awards in the 2023 Julia Margaret Cameron International Awards for Women Photographers!  The works above will all be on display starting in mid-April at the Fotonostrum Gallery in Barcelona, Spain, along with works from other award winners from around the globe. I was hoping I could figure out a way to attend the opening, but I can’t.

I received word about these awards at the close of 2022. But to say that the news was overwhelming would be putting it mildly. This is why I’ve waited until now to share the news here.

Following the loss of my home, studio, all my tools, my garden and all my work to the Almeda wildfire, I drove a motorhome I bought to live in after the fire 11,000 miles around the United States. I immersed myself in nature, visited old friends, and asked them for help in recovering my mind, my identity, my sanity.

When I returned in June of 2022 and set up camp in my motorhome on a hill in Ashland, Oregon, I was mostly still in a state of shock and bewilderment. Confounded and flabbergasted. I spent the summer walking around Ashland connecting with agencies set up to help wildfire survivors and seeing friends. But it was hot, uncomfortable living in one place in a motorhome, and I was always expecting more fire. I felt in no way grounded. Always afraid. 

By the time it started getting cold again I was still camping. In the cooler days, I began to imagine, however tentatively, that I might one day share some mobile images again. Maybe some from my trip, some of my meditations and deep experiences of both pain and steady transformation. Nevertheless, I still felt so vulnerable. So discombobulated. So tenuous about whoever I had thought I was before the fire. So unclear about who I might become as a senior artist who had lost all evidence of her previous life and her work.

It was in that state of mind that I decided, one November morning, to send some of my mobile images to the International Julia Margaret Cameron Awards competition for women photographers. The entries didn’t cost much - a huge motivator since I’m broke now. Why not? I thought of my entries as a kind of trial balloon, particularly the images I entered from the Almeda Firewalk Series that I’ve been working on since 2021.

I expected nothing and figured that if anything I sent got any kind of attention from the juror, Barbara Davidson (a woman whose courageous photography I have admired for decades), maybe I could reinvest in thinking of myself again as a living photographer and mobile artist. If not, I could just keep on drinking my way from one day to another, wondering when I should just pull the plug on this life.

Getting the news that not one or two - but almost ALL - of the entries I submitted had received awards put a serious dent in my stupor. For a couple of days, I danced around on Facebook and called and told old friends. I couldn’t have felt more delighted or more affirmed in my creativity and I took the awards as evidence that I hadn’t actually lost all my skill even if I didn’t believe that myself. I lost everything else, right?

But the thing about trauma recovery is that it’s anything but linear.  Survivors don’t just go from sad to elated and stay there. We remain afraid. Stunned. Suspicious. Doubtful. And isolation can easily remain our best friend. We know how bad we still feel. And we know how everyone who knows us just wants us to feel good again and go back to where and who we were before the trauma. They’re tired of hearing about the pain. So we stop telling them about it. We get quiet and we hide out.

Hence ... the time it’s taken for me to feel up to making this post here today.

I told my friend, John, this morning that over the last month I am starting to feel  that my mind may actually be healing. A bit. After two-and-a-half years. Yes, I’m still the iPhoneArtGirl. Yes, I still make mobile photographs and mobile art almost every day. And maybe, just maybe, I will one day be able to courageously share more here than an awards announcement.

Tomorrow morning, I’m planning to venture out to a speed-dating event at the Medford Library. I don’t know what’s going to happen there but it’s my hope to have a few minutes of conversation with private foundations and government funders who I can imagine could use the Almeda Wildfire Series to serve their stakeholders. I’ll be looking for partners who might see it in their interests to help me take all the pain and the transformational gifts I’m starting to experience into community conversations with their stakeholders in communities of all sizes around the state.

I know there are people like me all across Oregon who need to re-connect much more substantively with their neighbors so all of us can BELONG TOGETHER AGAIN even if the political trance has people believing we can’t. There are such large climate, environmental, housing, medical care, educational, economical, ethical and spiritual challenges ahead. We cannot meet them in isolation.  

If you read this far, I thank you warmly for your time, your consideration, and your care. Namaste.

[ms-demeanor]

Also:

If your computer is over 5-7 years old but is still working for you that is fine! You don't have to replace your computer because of an arbitrary age. "Functioning" as we define it at my job means that a computer will run the latest standard operating system and the latest versions of various types of business software because that is what is required for a computer to work for an office; a home computer doesn't have to have the same specs to stay functional for a user who is just doing email and internet, which is what most home users use their computers for.

*However* the reliable lifespan of hard drives and ssds is a lot firmer and it isn't planned obsolescence or an attempt to degrade lifespans of consumer devices, it is simply due to the limitations of the hardware. After about five years of use, HDDs and SSDs are more likely to fail. HDDs will give you some warning about this (reporting bad sectors, clicking noises, if they fail data can likely be recovered for a fee), but when SSDs fail they fail catastrophically (they just don't turn on and the data is gone). That is not to say that your drives will automatically fail at the five year mark, it just means that they are much more LIKELY to fail at the five year mark. So now that you know this, you should take steps to prevent a failing drive from ruining your life. Get a large external hard drive and save regular image and file backups from your computer, and if your backup drive is five or more years old buy a new one and copy any important data to the new drive then use the new drive for new backups. You should also get a thumb drive and create a windows recovery disk if you haven't already done so. And you should keep in mind that thumb drives also have an expected lifespan of about five years, depending on frequency of use. And you can also just proactively replace your storage drives on a schedule before they fail to extend the lifespan of the device. If you plan on upgrading the hardware in your computer at five year intervals (a good plan if you don't want to or can't replace an older computer! I support this plan! This is what most people should do!) then you will likely never experience a drive failure on your device.

ALSO here are things that my customers frequently don't consider that can get a lot of life or functionality out of an older/broken computer:

If your laptop screen fails and you can't afford to replace it, go to a local thrift store, get a monitor, then go online or to best buy and get the cable to connect your laptop to your new monitor. Thrift stores have monitors for about 20 bucks and a cable will cost 7-15 dollars, which is a hell of a lot cheaper than $75-150 for a replacement screen and whatever labor would cost. This will mean that your laptop is not a laptop anymore, but it can still be a computer for you.

If your computer doesn't have enough USB ports get a USB hub. A lot of laptops come with only one USB port these days, and many desktops come with 4 or fewer, so an 8-port hub is a great idea.

People are making computers without ethernet ports these days (evil) but you can get USB to Ethernet adapters (here is one by a reliable manufacturer). This is bad and I hate it and I'm sorry.

If the keyboard or touchpad on your laptop fail and you can't afford to replace them, get a USB keyboard or laptop. You can get very small wireless keyboards that will allow you some measure of portability, and there are even keyboard/touchpad combos that you can get.

Talk to like three friends and go in together on a USB CD/DVD drive to share. Most computers, even most desktops, don't have internal optical drives these days, but external readers are available for a wide variety of prices and it is not something that you are going to need every day.

Those things seem pretty obvious, I'm sure, but they just don't occur to a lot of people. Also like at least three of those tips are "if your computer didn't come with hardware it should have then store-bought is fine" and I recognize that that is bullshit but at least if you have your own ethernet port, usb ports, and optical drive it immediately becomes less of a concern if your computer has those things AND you'll be able to use those external components with multiple devices if you want to.

Also I know nothing about gaming specs or video cards but Paul's Hardware on Youtube has a 75-video playlist about video cards that I suspect will have answers to many of the questions people have about graphics cards.

So You Need To Buy A Computer But You Don't Know What Specs Are Good These Days

Hi.

This is literally my job.

Lots of people are buying computers for school right now or are replacing computers as their five-year-old college laptop craps out so here's the standard specs you should be looking for in a (windows) computer purchase in August 2023.

PROCESSOR

Intel i5 (no older than 10th Gen)

Ryzen 7

You can get away with a Ryzen 5 but an intel i3 should be an absolute last resort. You want at least an intel i5 or a Ryzen 7 processor. The current generation of intel processors is 13, but anything 10 or newer is perfectly fine. DO NOT get a higher performance line with an older generation; a 13th gen i5 is better than an 8th gen i7. (Unfortunately I don't know enough about ryzens to tell you which generation is the earliest you should get, but staying within 3 generations is a good rule of thumb)

RAM

8GB absolute minimum

If you don't have at least 8GB RAM on a modern computer it's going to be very, very slow. Ideally you want a computer with at least 16GB, and it's a good idea to get a computer that will let you add or swap RAM down the line (nearly all desktops will let you do this, for laptops you need to check the specs for Memory and see how many slots there are and how many slots are available; laptops with soldered RAM cannot have the memory upgraded - this is common in very slim laptops)

STORAGE

256GB SSD

Computers mostly come with SSDs these days; SSDs are faster than HDDs but typically have lower storage for the same price. That being said: SSDs are coming down in price and if you're installing your own drive you can easily upgrade the size for a low cost. Unfortunately that doesn't do anything for you for the initial purchase.

A lot of cheaper laptops will have a 128GB SSD and, because a lot of stuff is stored in the cloud these days, that can be functional. I still recommend getting a bit more storage than that because it's nice if you can store your music and documents and photos on your device instead of on the cloud. You want to be able to access your files even if you don't have internet access.

But don't get a computer with a big HDD instead of getting a computer with a small SSD. The difference in speed is noticeable.

SCREEN (laptop specific)

Personally I find that touchscreens have a negative impact on battery life and are easier to fuck up than standard screens. They are also harder to replace if they get broken. I do not recommend getting a touch screen unless you absolutely have to.

A lot of college students especially tend to look for the biggest laptop screen possible; don't do that. It's a pain in the ass to carry a 17" laptop around campus and with the way that everything is so thin these days it's easier to damage a 17" screen than a 14" screen.

On the other end of that: laptops with 13" screens tend to be very slim devices that are glued shut and impossible to work on or upgrade.

Your best bet (for both functionality and price) is either a 14" or a 15.6" screen. If you absolutely positively need to have a 10-key keyboard on your laptop, get the 15.6". If you need something portable more than you need 10-key, get a 14"

FORM FACTOR (desktop specific)

If you purchase an all-in-one desktop computer I will begin manifesting in your house physically. All-in-ones take away every advantage desktops have in terms of upgradeability and maintenance; they are expensive and difficult to repair and usually not worth the cost of disassembling to upgrade.

There are about four standard sizes of desktop PC: All-in-One (the size of a monitor with no other footprint), Tower (Big! probably at least two feet long in two directions), Small Form Factor Tower (Very moderate - about the size of a large shoebox), and Mini/Micro/Tiny (Small! about the size of a small hardcover book).

If you are concerned about space you are much better off getting a MicroPC and a bracket to put it on your monitor than you are getting an all-in-one. This will be about a million percent easier to work on than an all-in-one and this way if your monitor dies your computer is still functional.

Small form factor towers and towers are the easiest to work on and upgrade; if you need a burly graphics card you need to get a full size tower, but for everything else a small form factor tower will be fine. Most of our business sales are SFF towers and MicroPCs, the only time we get something larger is if we have to put a $700 graphics card in it. SFF towers will accept small graphics cards and can handle upgrades to the power supply; MicroPCs can only have the RAM and SSD upgraded and don't have room for any other components or their own internal power supply.

WARRANTY

Most desktops come with either a 1 or 3 year warranty; either of these is fine and if you want to upgrade a 1 year to a 3 year that is also fine. I've generally found that if something is going to do a warranty failure on desktop it's going to do it the first year, so you don't get a hell of a lot of added mileage out of an extended warranty but it doesn't hurt and sometimes pays off to do a 3-year.

Laptops are a different story. Laptops mostly come with a 1-year warranty and what I recommend everyone does for every laptop that will allow it is to upgrade that to the longest warranty you can get with added drop/damage protection. The most common question our customers have about laptops is if we can replace a screen and the answer is usually "yes, but it's going to be expensive." If you're purchasing a low-end laptop, the parts and labor for replacing a screen can easily cost more than half the price of a new laptop. HOWEVER, the way that most screens get broken is by getting dropped. So if you have a warranty with drop protection, you just send that sucker back to the factory and they fix it for you.

So, if it is at all possible, check if the manufacturer of a laptop you're looking at has a warranty option with drop protection. Then, within 30 days (though ideally on the first day you get it) of owning your laptop, go to the manufacturer site, register your serial number, and upgrade the warranty. If you can't afford a 3-year upgrade at once set a reminder for yourself to annually renew. But get that drop protection, especially if you are a college student or if you've got kids.

And never, ever put pens or pencils on your laptop keyboard. I've seen people ruin thousand dollar, brand-new laptops that they can't afford to fix because they closed the screen on a ten cent pencil. Keep liquids away from them too.

LIFESPAN

There's a reasonable chance that any computer you buy today will still be able to turn on and run a program or two in ten years. That does not mean that it is "functional."

At my office we estimate that the functional lifespan of desktops is 5-7 years and the functional lifespan of laptops is 3-5 years. Laptops get more wear and tear than desktops and desktops are easier to upgrade to keep them running. At 5 years for desktops and 3 years for laptops you should look at upgrading the RAM in the device and possibly consider replacing the SSD with a new (possibly larger) model, because SSDs and HDDs don't last forever.

COST

This means that you should think of your computers as an annual investment rather than as a one-time purchase. It is more worthwhile to pay $700 for a laptop that will work well for five years than it is to pay $300 for a laptop that will be outdated and slow in one year (which is what will happen if you get an 8th gen i3 with 8GB RAM). If you are going to get a $300 laptop try to get specs as close as possible to the minimums I've laid out here.

If you have to compromise on these specs, the one that is least fixable is the processor. If you get a laptop with an i3 processor you aren't going to be able to upgrade it even if you can add more RAM or a bigger SSD. If you have to get lower specs in order to afford the device put your money into the processor and make sure that the computer has available slots for upgrade and that neither the RAM nor the SSD is soldered to the motherboard. (one easy way to check this is to search "[computer model] RAM upgrade" on youtube and see if anyone has made a video showing what the inside of the laptop looks like and how much effort it takes to replace parts)

Computers are expensive right now. This is frustrating, because historically consumer computer prices have been on a downward trend but since 2020 that trend has been all over the place. Desktop computers are quite expensive at the moment (August 2023) and decent laptops are extremely variably priced.

If you are looking for a decent, upgradeable laptop that will last you a few years, here are a couple of options that you can purchase in August 2023 that have good prices for their specs:

14" Lenovo - $670 - 11th-gen i5, 16GB RAM, and 512GB SSD

15.6" HP - $540 - 11th-gen i5, 16GB RAM, and 256GB SSD

14" Dell - $710 - 12th-gen i5, 16GB RAM, and 256GB SSD

If you are looking for a decent, affordable desktop that will last you a few years, here are a couple of options that you can purchase in August 2023 that have good prices for their specs:

SFF HP - $620 - 10th-gen i5, 16GB RAM, 1TB SSD

SFF Lenovo - $560 - Ryzen 7 5000 series, 16GB RAM, 512GB SSD

Dell Tower - $800 - 10th-gen i7, 16GB RAM, 512GB SSD

If I were going to buy any of these I'd probably get the HP laptop or the Dell Tower. The HP Laptop is actually a really good price for what it is.

Anyway happy computering.