#gonna take a shower and then hopefully not pass out until like 8pm

[stickbug-made-entirely-of-spite]

Hello friends!

I don't have any art updates to post this time, I just wanted to let you know that you are absolutely wonderful, and that I appreciate every single one of you!! You're amazing, if you're reading this (and if you aren't, let's be real bahahaha), and I hope you're having a wonderful day ^-^ <3

Yours truly, Stickbug 🪲🧡

[differentkettleoffishalltogether]

#1 Fan [Part 1/2]

Summary: Spencer knows he’s seen his new neighbor somewhere before.

A/N: This was a blurb request from my sideblog that got completely out of hand so here she is as a full fic! (We’re gonna pretend like I know how OnlyFans works)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Category: Fluff & Smut 

Warnings/Includes: smut, graphic descriptions of sexual acts, masturbation (male & female), voyeurism(?), please let me know if there’s anything I’ve missed!

Word count: 2.9k

Request: “Blurb about basically the same fic as the other one except she just moved in and he recognizes her as the person he subs to on OF. She’s describing her hot neighbor- and yeah” from @thatsonezesty13​

Masterlist

Read Part 2 Here

The first time Spencer sees her in the lobby grabbing her mail he thinks he’s in a dream. Or maybe he’s seeing things. For a second he’s terrified that he’s having a hyper-realistic, yet somehow mundane, wet dream.

He’s been subscribed to her for a while. To be honest once he’d found her account he didn’t have much of a need to subscribe to anyone else. She was almost tailor made for him, it was sort of scary.

So when he saw her that day, and she smiled at him, giving him a small wave as she passed him in the hall, his heart all but stopped.

That night he checked her page. He compared the pictures of the sweet girl in the hall with the ones in front of him. The photos where she was wearing next to nothing, or sometimes nothing at all. The ones where she had her fingers inside of her panties, or her mouth.

He ended up spiraling that evening, partially forgetting why he was even looking in the first place. Until he was watching videos of her, fucking into herself with a toy until she was squirting onto her bedsheets.

The following morning when he woke up he tried to convince himself that it wasn’t her. How could it be? And if it was, would he have to stop looking? Something felt a bit perverted about that.

So he pushed the thoughts from his head. And that lasted all of 10 seconds because there was a knock on his front door. When he opened it up it was her standing there, the girl from the mailboxes, and the girl from the videos. He knew they were one and the same, who was he kidding?

“Hi!” She sticks out her hand to introduce herself, “I think I saw you the other day, I’ve just moved into the building, Y/N.”

He knows her name already, well he knows her first name, and part of him’s a little surprised it’s not fake.

He takes a moment to consider her hand, he wouldn’t usually shake a strangers hand like this but for some reason he didn’t feel like she was a stranger. The real reason her didn’t want to shake her hand was because of all the things he’d pictured her doing with them. Touching herself, touching him.

But he’s hesitated for too long, so he takes her hand, shaking it gently, “Spencer, Dr. Spencer Reid. Nice to— uh, meet you” he has to force his breaths out or they might not come. Looking at her up close, in person, she was too beautiful. And he already thought that about her pictures.

“Well it’s nice to meet you, I always like to know the folks in my building. And especially you if we’re gonna be neighbors”

“Neighbors?” He tries to stop his eyes from popping out of his head but she doesn’t seem to notice. She just nods happily.

“Yup, I’m right on the other side of that wall” she points to her right and giggles, “knock if you need me” she jokes but Spencer’s breathing stops entirely and he can only nod.

“So um, if you wanted to hang out or anything you know where to find me” she smiles at him and starts to head back to her apartment.

He’s not sure what’s come over him, but it feels like adrenaline is coursing through his entire body as he speaks.

“I’m free right now if you’re not busy?” He asks before she can get too far away but she shakes her head.

“I’ve actually gotta head out for a bit but if you’re free tomorrow do you wanna come over and see my place. I’m sure it’s probably the exact same as yours but—”

“Yes!— I mean, um, yeah, that sounds nice, cool” she laughs at him a little, probably at his eagerness, or maybe at the way he’s blushing, he can feel the heat radiating from his cheeks.

“See you then Spencer, Dr. Spencer Reid�� she giggles and he’s smitten already.

— —

He’s pretty much counting down the seconds until the following evening. His mind is completely restless, he’s got no idea what to wear or how to act, or what to say.

She was just so pretty, he could barely have a 2 minute conversation with her in the hallway. How was he supposed to hang out with her for an evening.

She slips a note under his door the following afternoon:

I’m on my way out but I should be back around 8! See you then x

He wishes he didn’t stare at the little ‘x’ on the note for quite so long but he couldn’t help it. Even her handwriting was cute.

He doesn’t want to think about why he knows her already but he can’t help it. He decides that he’s not going to look at her page again, taking a cold shower as part of his preparation for that evening before agonizing over what to wear.

He settles on a purple sweater and he already feels like he’s made the wrong call somehow as he’s knocking on her door at 8pm on the dot.

“Well aren’t you punctual” she smiles at him as she pulls open the door. His stomach drops when he realizes that he recognizes the little dress she’s wearing. He’s seen her take it off before. He tries to steady his breathing but it doesn’t work super well so he just waves hello as she ushers him inside.

“I guess you got my note then” she smiles and he smiles back.

“Yeah, your— um— handwriting is really nice” he wants to slap himself in the face. What kind of complement was that?

“Thank you?” she giggles at him, “no ones ever said that before, you’re a bit of an oddball” she points him to the sofa so he sits.

When she comes to sit next to him she’s holding a bottle of wine and two glasses and he has to stop his eyes from bulging out of his head.

“Would you like a glass?” She asks and he nods his head, it probably wasn’t a great idea, but neither was any of this. She hands him a glass of wine and takes the seat next to him on the couch, turning to face him as she tucks her legs up under herself.

“So Spencer Reid, what kind of doctor are you?” she asks as she takes a sip from her own glass.

“I’m—um— I work at the FBI actually, I— I’m a profiler” he’s already conscious that he doesn’t want to bore her by harping on about work, or by rambling like he does right before people usually roll their eyes. But she doesn’t, she leans in.

“That’s so cool, well it sounds like it is anyway? Does that mean you read people or something?” her eyes look like they're after lighting up and she's smiling at him encouraging.

“Y-Yeah? It’s sort of like reading people I guess. We catch killers by getting inside their heads in a way, trying to figure out why they’re doing what they’re doing, and hopefully what they’re gonna do next so that we can stop it. It’s a little more complicated than that, but that’s the gist” he’s smiling now too, the way she’s looking at him makes him feel like he’s actually doing a sort of good job not embarrassing himself.

“So you said my handwriting was nice” she says, gears clearly turning, “Can you read anything about me from that?” she looks like she's challenging him, if he didn’t know better he might call it flirting.

“Well actually graphology—sorry— handwriting analysis has been deemed a pseudoscience by most, the validity of handwriting as evidence in court has always been dubious and many of the techniques used today are the same as those employed in Renaissance England.” he rambles but she’s still engaged when he stops speaking.

“So you’re smart smart, huh?” she smiles at him, and he nods.

“I don’t believe intelligence can be neatly quantified but I do have an IQ of 187” he feels paradoxically stupid saying that, it feels like bragging or something and he already wants to take it back.

“Wow, a doctor with an IQ of 187” she takes a second to mull it over, “What are you doing hanging out with the likes of me?” she jokes, but his eyebrows knit together, he had no idea what she did, other than that thing he knew she did.

“I wouldn't sell yourself short like that, what do you do?” he asks her, at the very least it’ll stop him from spiraling.

“I work in a vintage bookstore, the one two blocks over?” She motions behind her as she tells him, and he knows it well, in fact he spends so much time there that he’s shocked he’d never seen her before.

“You work there? I’m there all the time, how have I never noticed you before?” she chuckles at him.

“I’ve only just started, I just moved in, remember?” and he wants to slap himself again, something about being around such a pretty face slashed that impressive IQ in half.

They spend another while and the rest of the bottle of wine getting to know each other before Spencer has to call it a night. Part of him wished that she was boring, or rude, or hated him, then maybe he’d be able to quell his infatuation. But this just made it worse, now that he knew her, now that he had spoken to her and she was so sweet, so smart, so funny, and still so damn pretty. He was absolutely fucked.

— —

He swears to himself that the wont look at her page again. Now that he knew her and he liked her more than he even did before, it felt like a real invasion. Part of him still felt bad about it in general, like he should've told her right away, been up front. But the moment for that had already passed so this was his next best plan.

Until he returns home the following Friday. He’s exhausted when he crawls into bed but he’s still somehow restless, the gears still turning in is brain. So he does what he always does when he wants to forget about everything else in the world.

His muscle memory opens it up, and he’s on her page before he even realizes he's done it. And she’s posted a few new videos this week. He wishes he had better willpower, or any willpower at all, but he can’t seem to stop himself from clicking on one.

It begins with her kneeling on her bed, wearing lingerie he’d seen before, it was baby pink and it was one of his favorites. She starts by dipping her fingers into her panties, teasing herself as little moans toppled from her lips. Then she started talking.

“I’m gonna tell you guys about a little dream I had last night, well, I’ve been having it all week really” she continues to tease herself a little, her other hand coming up to grab her breast over her soft pink bra as she speaks. Her voice is smooth and perfect, if he only had the audio he’d still be turned on right now.

“It goes like this. I’m lying in this bed right here, doing something a little like this, when there’s a knock at my front door. When I get up to answer it he’s there, with his shaggy brown hair, and his huge doe eyes, and he’s got these lips that are just so fuckin’ pink. I want them all over me. He comes inside and he grabs me with those huge hands of his and he pulls me right into him before he kisses me.” she moans a little as her fingers brush right up against her clit, but Spencer’s vision has almost gone blurry.

He’s not sure he’s even breathing when she starts talking again. “Then I lead him to my bedroom, and I get him out of those clothes. He dresses like an english teacher and I wish I didn’t find it so fuckin’ hot. Sometimes in the fantasy I take his cock in my mouth, I suck him off until he’s whimpering. Other times I can’t wait, I just need him to fuck me right away.” she takes off her panties then, leaving them to one side, while she grabs a toy from her bedside table.

“I like to fuck myself with this, but all week I’ve just been imagining that it’s him. He’s just so pretty, I know his cock has to be too. I want to know what it feels like when he’s buried inside me, so fuckin’ deep” she continues to fuck herself with the toy, and he’s tuned back in now, he’s achingly hard without even noticing, his hand wrapping around his cock as he pictures the other side of that fantasy.

It doesn’t take long before he's releasing, spilling all over his hand in tandem with the video. She takes a moment to relax, steadying out her breathing before she speaks to the camera again.

“I think I have a crush guys” she gasps out, “I moved, and I think I’ve got a crush on my fuckin’ neighbor already”

Not that he needed any more confirmation, but those words hit him like a fucking train.

It’s already midnight, it’s not so late that he couldn’t go over there, but it sort of is late enough that he shouldn’t. He really can’t bring himself to care though, getting out of bed and cleaning himself up he decides to ride this uncharacteristically confident wave as far as it’ll take him.

He’s knocking on her door before he’s had a chance to second guess himself. When she answers she’s in a little robe, it’s ivory and satin, and he recognizes it too. He doesn’t say anything, neither does she. They just look at each other for a little too long, eyes taking each other in. He wants to lean in and kiss her, just like in her fantasy, but he’s not that guy.

“Hi” he breathes out instead, “I know it’s late, sorry, I shouldn’t be here—but I— I just wanna say” he pauses to take in a labored breath, “I like you a lot and I think you’re really pretty and funny and smart and would you wanna go out sometime? With me? Maybe?” he doesn't realize he’s closed this eyes until he’s got to pry them back open.

“Well that’s not how the fantasy was supposed to go” she giggles, her eyelashes fluttering as she looks up at him and the blush that’s steadily spreading up his face and neck.

“What do you— I don’t— what?” he’s stammering, doing a god awful job of playing dumb.

“In my video, you were just supposed to kiss me. This isn’t as sexy but it is a hell of a lot better”

“I don’t— I’m not—” he can’t get a sentence out, he’s got no idea what’s happening right now.

“It’s alright Dr. 187, I know it’s you” some part of him genuinely wants to throw up. Why did he think that would be an innocuous username. He was the stupidest genius alive.

“I’m sorry, I should've told you. I had no idea how, I just never thought— how could I have known you’d move in next door to me? And that you’d be even prettier in person but you’d be so cool too” he’s got to cut himself off before he really starts apologetically rambling.

“Spencer stop. It’s fine. I make that content for people to enjoy, you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about. I made that video because I wanted you to see it, that was intentional.” she reaches out and places a hand on his shoulder, and it’s more comforting than it has any right to be.

“Was that—your fantasy—the uh the video—were you telling the truth?” he can feel his heart absolutely racing in his chest as he waits for the answer. And she breaks out in a huge smile, nodding up at him.

“Every word.” he doesn’t let himself overthink it this time, he just leans right in, pressing his lips to hers. It’s soft and gentle, a sweet kiss rather than a heated one, it’s not just infatuation, there are feelings behind it now. He can feel her lips smiling against his own and his heart’s fit to burst now.

When they break apart she looks giddy with excitement, her hands come down to the little bow that holds her robe closed, toying with the ends of the tie. “I’m actually about to make a video now if you’d like to see behind the scenes?” she asks and his breath gets stuck in his throat.

“Fuck” he rasps, “You’ve got no idea how much I want to do that” he pauses, scolding himself in his head already, “But I think I wanna take you to dinner first, if you still want that?”

She’s grinning at him again, “I still really want that, tomorrow night?”

“Tomorrow night.”

-- --

Comments, reblogs, and tags are always appreciated, I love you all x

Masterlist

Read Part 2 Here

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[dnvrsmedia]

You Feel Safe?

Carol Danvers x reader

summary: You and Carol are sent on a mission together for the first time.

warnings: none! good ole fluff! mutual pinning & my fav troupe the “only one bed” :)

AN: IM BACK! I am SO sorry i’ve been gone for like 2 weeks, but I had the WORST writers block omg! Hopefully this gets me back in the time of everything & I hope y’all enjoy! as always requests are open!

part 2

You were called to be on a mission yesterday. If it were any other day you wouldn’t have minded so much, but it was supposed to be your first weekend off in almost a month. You could almost taste the short lived freedom as you stepped into your room that friday evening, but of course, the world had other plans for you. The literal moment you set your bags down,friday informs you that steve needs you in the debrief room.

Obviously pissed off that you were robbed of your planned relaxing weekend, you trot to the debrief room with heavy steps and a frown. You’re known as the cheerful one around the compound. You’re always worried about others safety and health. So, when you passed Nat on the way to meet Steve without saying hello, she immediately knew something was off. Not wanting to interrupt you, she shrugs it off and makes sure to make a mental note to ask you what’s wrong later on.

You finally reach the debrief room and see a familiar tall blonde talking to Steve. You’ve only met Carol about two times, but you wouldn’t really call that a formal meeting. The two of you were too busy trying to save the world from thanos to really indulge in a conversation. But that doesn’t matter right now.

“Stevie, you know I love you, but why the ever loving fuck are you calling me on my weekend off. You know I haven’t gotten one in a while!” You exclaim as you go in to hug him. Steve has also been away on a mission for a while, so you haven’t seen your older brother figure in a while.

He gives out a hardy chuckle and gives you a tight squeeze before letting go. “I know y/n and I feel horrible doing so, but you’re the only gal for the job. Plus, you haven’t properly met Captain Danvers over here yet!” He points to Carol as she sticks out her hand to shake.

“Please, call me Carol.” She winks. You shake her hand as your face burns bright red. God y/n keep it together! You can’t help but to stare at her beautiful being. Everything about her is absolutely gorgeous and you can’t seem to get enough. Your eyes trail down to her strong biceps. All all you can think about is how much you wouldn’t mind if she put you in a choke hold i mean-

Steve clears his throat and asks you if you heard a word he just said. Now you start to blush profusely. She had to notice you staring, because she’s sporting a wicked smirk on her face.

“S-sorry I got a little uh...distracted.” You clear your throat. You notice Steve rolling his eyes and continues to debrief the mission. The both of you were to go undercover as girlfriends to a ball. This wasn’t any ordinary ball though. At the ball, there is an underground auction on alien tech. The reason you were picked and not Nat is because you can turn invisible. Once invisible, you were to sneak into the auction and take back that very valuable piece of tech. Carol is tagging along because of her extensive knowledge on alien tech. This mission was clearly meant for the two of you.

Soon after, you were dismissed to your quarters and packing for the three day long mission in Tuscany, Italy. Luckily for you since you don’t own many dresses, Nat popped by to let you borrow a few. She originally came by to see why you were so upset, but as soon as she saw you packing your bags she already knew.

“So, are you excited to play girlfriend with miss twinkle hands? Last time you two met you could barely take your eyes off oh her.” She slyly smirks as she folds your shirt. You immediately scoff as your face starts to heat up.

“I was just making sure she didn’t die! I do that every time with everyone when we’re saving the world!” You squeak. Nat could definitely tell that you were lying. I mean come on, she’s a highly skilled spy. She just mutters a ‘yeah sure’ and rolls her eyes. You shoo her away so you could ‘get your beauty sleep’ before you leave for the mission. Moments after you finally get settled in bed, you hear a knock at your door. Too tired to get up, you ask friday to let whoever is at the door in. Soon later, you’re eye to eye with Carol herself.

“Oh were you about to sleep? I’m sorry I can go if you want.” She shyly smiles and starts to walk away. You’ve never seen Carol like this before, and you wish you could see more of her.

“No,” you sit up and pat the space next to you on the bed. “It’s okay I promise. Come sit.” You gently smile. Soon after your smile is taken over by a big yawn. You hear Carol chuckle and sit next to you.

“You sure you aren’t gonna fall alseep on me, y/n?” She teased.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” You lazily smiled. “Now, why did you want to see me?” you questioned.

“I just uh wanted to get to know you better. I mean if you’re gonna be my girlfriend, then I should actually know you, right?” she answered. You blushed majorly at her calling you her girlfriend. Yes, you know it’s only for the mission, but you can’t help but feel giddy.

“Well, what do you want to know? I’m an open book.” you replied while looking into her eyes. You could get lost in her perfect chestnut eyes. You can tell that she is a strong and loving person, but she also has been hurt. You wish you could take her pain away, but sadly that’s not how it always works.

From then on, the two of you spent your last hours before the flight to Tuscany talking about anything and everything. You told her things you don’t even think you’ve told Nat or Steve yet. Just something about Carol makes you want to pour your deepest darkest feelings and thoughts out. She’s just so welcoming and warm. You do end up falling asleep due to the day of hard work you endured. Carol soon notices and covers you in your blanket before leaving. The two of you have about four hours before the flight and she still hadn’t packed. She leaves your room with the widest smile on her face.

You wake up two hours later to your alarm. You always set your alarms according to, so you don’t get behind schedule. Before missions, you like to get a light workout and combat in. You groggily get up from your bed and change into your workout clothes.

You get down to the gym and immediately notice Carol at the punching bag. She was wearing a black sports bra with matching athletic leggings and hair was in a pony tail. You are completely in awe. Of course you’ve seen her fight before, but that was in a life or death matter. You didn’t have time to gawk at the way her back muscles contracted every time she moves. Or hear the little grunts she huffs out as her fist collides with the punching bag.

She must’ve felt someone staring at her, because she turns around in the middle of punching the bag and smirks. Your face seems to permanently be red because of her, but you couldn’t really complain could you?

You shake your head and get straight into your workout routine. You turn on your favorite playlist and get straight to work. You get in light stretching before you do your 2 miles on the treadmill. You hit the weights right after. Throughout your whole workout, the both of you share stole glances. You catch her looking at your ass through the mirror as you back squat and chuckle. You’re just about to bench press as she walks up to your station.

“Here, lemme spot you. I don’t need the bar falling on your pretty face.” She smirks and steps behind the you.

“How nice of you, Captain. You know, I’m a lot stronger than I look. Trust me, I’m a big girl.” Now it’s your time to watch as her face gets red.

“Oh trust me I know. You can never be too cautious.” She winks and you playfully roll your eyes.

About an hour after, you finally finish your work out. You thank Carol once again and go on your way to your room to take a quick shower before meeting her at the quinjet. You say bye to your fellow avengers (well who’s not on a mission), and go on your marry way to Tuscany. The both of you arrive in Tuscany at 8pm. You were visibly tired, so you couldn’t wait to eat something and curl up in your own bed.

Carol helps you with you bag, although you said you can cary it, and takes the both of you to the room. The view from the room is astounding. Your eyes pan all over the room, then you see it. To your surprise, there is only one bed and a very uncomfortable looking couch. You can tell Carol notices as well as she starts to put her things by the couch.

“You can take the bed, trust me I don’t mind.” She smiles her adorable smile.

“Are you kidding me? We’re both adults here, Captain. We can share the bed and I’m not letting you say no! That couch looks so uncomfortable!” You rant as you move your things over to the bed. “Now, what do you want for dinner?” You turn your head to see he smiling at you.

The pair of you decided on some authentic Italian food for take out. So here you are, currently eating fancy Italian food with a beautiful girl in romantic Italy. Seriously what could get better than this. You guys talk for hours until it’s time to go to bed.

You’re the first one to freshen up in the bathroom before bed. You step out in only your towel, and Carols face heats up so quick.

“I-I’ll just go uh go in there uh I uh- yeah.” She mutters out as she grabs her things and rushes herself into the bathroom. You laugh to yourself then get dressed. You snuggle up in the bed with one of your books and start reading. You finish a chapter when you hear Carol get out the bathroom. You’ve never seen her look so casual before. You can’t help but smile at her Captain america pj pants.

“Steve gave em to me as a gag gift for my birthday last year.” she chuckled and gets into bed with you.

You put your book down and turn on the TV to entertain the two of you. The TV was nearly there for background noise, since you weren’t paying attention at all. You say there thinking about how happy you’ve felt around Carol for the past two days, and hoped she felt the same. A loud lawn broke your trace. You realized it’s getting late, so you turned off the TV and got comfy in the bed.

“Sleep well, Y/n.” You hear Carol say as you’re about to drift into sleep.

“Goodnight, Carol.” You day softly as you nod off into the dream state.

beep! beep! beep!

Your overly loud, yet useful, alarm wakes you up. You go to reach to turn it off but you can’t reach it. You look down and see a sleeping Carol lying on top of you. Her arm is wrapped around your waist as hair is strewn across her face. You smile down at her and admire how soft she looks. You take your free hand and move her fly aways from her face. She stirs awake and looks into your eyes. She throws herself back and starts to apologize profusely.

“Hey, hey, look it’s okay I uh actually enjoyed it. If we’re being honest I haven’t slept that well in a long time.” You blush as you look down at your hands. Carol soon takes your hands and gently caresses them with her own.

“I haven’t slept that well in a while either actually. I normally get nightmares, but with you...” She whispers.

“You feel safe?” You ask as she nods her head with a smile. “That’s exactly how I feel too.” You beam.

Carol scoots closer to you and places her palm on your cheek. You heart begins to race as she slowly inches forward to kiss you. Just as your lips are about to touch, your alarm blares once more and the two of you bump heads.

“I should probably turn that off.” You groan.

“Yeah,” She chuckles “You should.”

[drybonesawaken]

A group of people wanted to share a journal together. So this week, I've been journaling (almost) every day, and tomorrow I'm gonna be passing it onto the next person.

It was kinda fun. Bit scary to put my thoughts out there - but not that bad tbh. I figured since I am not gonna keep the journal I should transcribe my thoughts somewhere, so here they are.

Yes, the math bits were included in the journal when I wrote. Just something fun I did. You can try to figure out if it means anything if you want :)

-

Maple 3.27.21

I don't like journaling .-. mah handwriting sucks, and pen ink takes too long to dry. Apologies If any of this page is smudged as a result ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And no, Maple does not use anything but pen. When mistakes are made, and trust they will definitely be made, you see a lot of bleh <- that. I also missed like three words in the previous sentence, but it's messy to try to go back and put them in :( this is the consequence of writing when brain is running at negative mph... This may be two paragraphs of nothing, but honestly that's how my day goes, usually. Right now I'm listening to this audiobook to fill up my brain and stop it from thinking. It's quite interesting. I read the book back in middle school, and it's taking me on a trip down memory lane. I was listening to this earlier while playing tetris, too. I'm joining a tetris tournament tomorrow, so I've been grinding this week. Hopefully it goes well! It's funny how I spend so much time playing this game which means so little - but somehow, I find fulfillment in the emptiness that it brings me. Breaking personal records is such a meaningless ordeal, but somehow it's something I strive so hard to do. These days, PBs come once every couple of months. It's not worth it.

-

Maple 3.28.21

Today felt like I did everything and nothing all at the same time. I found out I don't like tetris tournaments. I hung out with some friends. I ate a big dinner. I made some choices I highkey regretted, yet couldn't stop myself from making in the moment. I spent some time sulking over said mistakes by cuddling with roommate. Very thankful for him - I definitely make him so uncomfortable LOL but he puts up with it because he knows touch is my love language. I was debating for awhile today over what I should eat for dinner (or breakfast or lunch or whatever you want to call it :') ) and I realized what I wanted to eat most was my own cooking. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling like cooking, so I had to settle for something else, but this was kind of a wake up call: when's the last time I cooked for myself? hmmm... It's also at the same time pretty cool because less than a year ago, I was still at a place where I strongly disliked my cooking and only ate it because I had to. Crazy how things can change in just a year - my culinary skills must have improved a lot over last summer... I really need to get my car tires fixed tomorrow. I have time tomorrow. I had better go. If I don't, my car is gonna break.

How does one stop beating themselves up for their mistakes? I don't struggle with forgiveness, but oh how I struggle with forgiving myself...

1 + 2 = 4 = 2

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Maple 3.30.21

Yesterday, we had to record something for Easter that took forever. It was not fun. I kept messing up. And my perfectionist self kept blabbering about wanting to redo certain things. Everyone was tired - it went so long - some people had exams; I can only imagine how annoying it must have been to hear me complaining about doing things again, and yet - and I hate myself for this - I couldn't help but keep bringing it up. Of course, being unsatisfied with the way I played, I volunteered to patch things up in post production. *sigh*, what a mistake that ended up being. Afterwards, I was tired and wanted to go home. Yet, because someone asked, and I guess I was a bit hungry, I decided to go get food with Junshik and Bryan. My ulterior motive was to talk to Bryan about buying cars, so I guess that worked out. But yikes, I only got 7 hours of sleep last night. - Today sucked. I'm realizing more and more that part of depression is the complete dependence on sleep. When I get not enough sleep, I'm not just fatigued: my life is just hell. I straight up no-showed to a meeting and apologized for it 8 hours after the fact (my excuse was that I feel asleep. Wow, something so embarrassing most people would find an excuse for it has now become my go to excuse. Rip). Went to a meetup because I didn't want to cancel - again - so that was fun (sorry if you're reading this. I lied when I said that I was ok :/). Life group was great I wanted to die but I was leading worship so I couldn't just leave. And oh yeah I just spent the last 4 hours after life group mixing that audio clip because stupid ol' me volunteered to do it asap yesterday. Tomorrow will be fun. I have 7 meetings/meetups from 9am to 8pm. I wonder how many I'll cancel last minute, or straight up skip...? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I hate ______.

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Maple 3.31.21

9am to 8pm today was rough. It's kinda crazy - when I wake up, I knew it wasn't gonna be a good day...but I really needed it to be at least an okay day. And I think I somehow willed that into existence :O I need to try this again sometime. Didn't cancel or skip a single thing today! (Praise God!!!) After my meetings all ended, I had to tutor for another 3 hours until 11:30, too. That was draining. I also pranked a friend today - told her I was dating right after midnight. Oh I love April Fools. She's the only one I can consistently troll year after year. I also spent a considerable amount of time after midnight trying to figure out how to script Audacity in Python. Useless, sure, but it could save us sound people a couple of minutes every Sunday if I figure it out. This is what my degree is for :') Sleep is going to feel so good tonight.

5 + 4 - 7 = 2 + 1 11 + 1 + 1 - 1 = 6 4 + 2 = 3 5 = 2 + 2 - 3 5 = 4 - 1 - 2

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Maple 4.2.21

I think my handwriting is getting better with this almost-daily practice =) This whole week has been busy-ness from when I wake up to when I go to bed. Hung out with people yesterday for the first time this week, and it was pretty tiring. I can't say I regret it though; I had a lot of fun and learned a lot about certain people. Recently, I've been noticing that people can tell when I'm tired a lot more obviously - someone on worship team who I only interact with on Sundays literally called me out for it. I'm finding that it just sort of slips onto my face, in such a way that I don't notice and can't even recognize it: I'm shocked every time it happens. Maybe it's because I've lost the will to live, so the lack of will to hide it came alongside as well. I accidentally let it slip that I've been brain empty to worship team today, and now there are even more people worried for me, some of whom I barely know. I'm such a burden :( Brain empty is honestly such a mood though. I have too many problems and not enough will to confront them. Better to just avoid. Yeah yeah yeah this is not healthy I know. I'll save doing things the healthy way for tomorrow :')

1 + 1 = 4 + 3 + 2 + 1 8 = 7 6 - 5 = 10 + 1 1 + 2 = 1 - 1

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Maple 4.3.21

Today was supposed to be a more chill day, but it really wasn't... Forced myself to get out of bed for a meetup rather than cancel it. I think if I had cancelled it, everything else I had to do today would have followed suit shortly after.... It ended up being a 2-hour meetup, straight into 2.5 hours of tutoring. As much as they might have been pretty ok tbh, I can't say I enjoyed it. I was so dead afterwards. I wanted to cancel my dinner meetup so bad. But I had already gone shopping earlier today (during the first meetup) so that I could cook for him. And I knew if I cancelled it'd be another week before I'd have a chance. The food would have gone bad. So following 2 tilt-inducing matches of tetris which were supposed to be stress relieving (they were not), commenced 2 hours of cooking, followed by a 3.5 hr meetup. It was... haha... Did I enjoy it? Yup. Did I have a hella-thick mask on the whole time? Also yup. I'm so ready for a long hot shower and an early bedtime. Tomorrow is Easter. I'm not feeling very victorious...

1 + 2 = 4 - 1 1 + 1 - 1 + 1 = 1 1 + 2 + 3 - 4 = 4 - 1 - 2 + 1

[cityofaangels]

WinterIron / Tony x Bucky, NonPower AU + Puppies

‘’Hello!! Can I request some winteriron? Non powered AU, Bucky surprises Tony with a puppy for their anniversary. Super fluff and cute.’’

So, I had this wonderful prompt from @tony-luvv and I melted. Yes, literally. My love for puppies is not a secret anymore, and Tony, plus Bucky, plus puppies? Yes please. I had so much fun writing this, thank you so much for this prompt! There are probably a lot of mistakes, because it is almost 2AM here and I’m freaking tired, but I wanted to post it today, cause I’m not here tomorrow.

Aaaaanyway. Here come puppies! Hope you enjoy it :)

When Tony woke up, surrounded by soft and warm sheets, Bucky wasn't there. Which, even on the normal days, totally sucked. He liked to wake up next to Bucky, close to his furnace-warm body, his arm heavy and comfortable around his waist. He liked to snuggle close to him, to listen to his breathing, to kiss his neck and slowly wake him up. He also liked to be woken up by kisses – wherever they were – and particularly loved morning sex. Beat all alarms in the world. But on their two-year anniversary morning, Bucky wasn't there. And the sun was awfully bright for such an… early hour?

''Friday, time?'' ''Good morning, boss. It is 9AM and it will be a beautiful sunny day.'' ''Yeah, figured that out. Ugh,'' he groaned, snatching one of Bucky's pillows to escape from the light.

He drifted in and out of sleep for a few minutes, vaguely wondering where Bucky went, but not awake enough yet to really worry. And the delicious smell of coffee and bacon answered the question before he could think too much about it. He cautiously peaked from under the pillow – and its delicious Bucky odor, God did he smell nice – and grinned when he saw his boyfriend carefully carrying a tray full of food to the bed. Bucky froze when he saw him awake and smiled sheepishly.

''Sorry. Didn't think you'd be awake already, I wanted to surprise you…'' ''Did you make pancakes?''

Bucky nodded and put the tray down on the bed, lying down next to Tony and pulling him in his arms. He nuzzled at his neck for a while, deposing kisses as light as a feather, while his fingers gently massaged Tony's scalp, making him moan softly. Bucky smiled against his skin and looked up, winking at his boyfriend before kissing him on the mouth, tenderly and slowly – and shit, Tony should probably be worried about morning breath and that kind of stuff, but that was so good, oh… He cupped his face in his right hand and stroked his cheek with his thumb, while his left hand played with the short hair on his neck, making him shiver delightfully. Without even thinking about it, Tony pulled him closer and began to grind slowly against his leg, but Bucky huffed a laugh in his mouth and very gently pushed him away.

''Not yet, sweetheart… Got a surprise for you.'' ''It can't wait? I had plans. Really, really great plans, like, mind-blowing plans.'' ''Nah, it can't.'' ''Not trying to make you change your mind or anything, but they involved you getting naked, and me getting naked too, and my tongue and my hands, and–'' ''Tony. Eat,'' reprimanded Bucky, but the sparkle of lust and amusement in his eyes was unmistakable.

(Mind the ‘’Keep Reading’’!)

Tony groaned, mostly for form, but began to eat anyway; Bucky's food was awesome and he certainly was not going to pass on the opportunity to eat his pancakes. Or maybe annihilate them was closer to the truth, but whatever, nobody would know, and his boyfriend was eating more than him – which, honestly, was kind of unfair, what with the huge muscles and beautiful body that never showed any trace of pancakes.

''What's the surprise?'' ''You know, by definition, the main goal of a surprise is to surprise you. And if I tell you what it is, it won't be one anymore. Aren't you supposed to be a genius or something?'' ''It's early. My genius hours go from around noon to 8PM. 9 on the good days. Am I gonna like it at least?'' ''Well. I hope so. It would be kind of awkward if you don't,'' chuckled Bucky, and Tony frowned when he noticed the badly hidden nervousness in his statement. ''Should I be afraid, Barnes?''

Bucky didn't answer, but rolled his eyes; he stopped eating though and started wringing his hands together, stealing quick looks at his boyfriend, and Tony mentally hit himself upon the head for being so tactless. He put his fork down and hugged Bucky tightly, silently apologizing.

''Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna like it, honey. You know me too well for my own good.'' ''Glad to hear you've got at least some faith in me,'' teased Bucky; but at least his smile was back. ''Come on, finish eating and get ready, someone's waiting for us.'' ''Any chance of you joining me in the shower?'' ''Tony, I'm gonna ask Friday to cut all hot water if you're not in this shower in two minutes.''

Yelping, the genius scrambled to get up and run to the bathroom. He knew that it wasn't an empty threat; Bucky had done it already, he was too damn charismatic and even Friday fell for it, no matter that she was supposed to answer to her boss first. He closed the door behind himself but opened it two seconds after, meeting Bucky's glare.

''Hey, by the way, happy anniversary to us, honey. Love you''

He smiled when his boyfriend's face visibly softened and blew a kiss to him, laughing when Bucky made to catch it.

''Happy anniversary, Tony. Love you too.''

***

Half an hour later, they were both in a car, and Bucky was seriously considering the possibility of adding a gag to the blindfold Tony was already wearing. If he heard him ask ''are we there yet?'' once more, he was going to snap.

''Tony,'' he blankly said, trying to keep calm. ''I told you two minutes ago that we still had a thirty minutes drive before we're there. Any way you could stop asking?'' ''Any way you could put some better music on? This shit's killing me. And the blindfold is stupid.''

Taking a deep, deep breath, Bucky reached for the radio's buttons and changed it to a rock station. Theoretically, he had known that Tony reacted this way to surprises, and he knew what to expect; however, he was already on edge as it was, doubting his gift every second that passed, and that was definitely not helping. Not at all. He had gotten the idea a few days back, when Tony was cooing to Steve's new dog, a young German Shepherd which had been found left alone in a street. He had watched his boyfriend play with the dog for almost an hour without getting tired of it; Tony had marveled at how soft the dog's fur was, how warm it was, and Bucky, look at the cuteness! So when they finally went back home, Bucky had found the pretext of some work to do to get online and look at the different breeds of dogs, what they could get, which dog would be happier in the environment they had, which one was good for people who had never had one, and had finally settled on the perfect breed. And now they were on their way to a family house out of town, where their future dog was hopefully waiting for them. Thankfully, the rest of the ride passed in relative silence, Tony humming to the songs he heard and only asking about a dozen times if they were there yet. At least Bucky knew he was ready to take a road trip with kids, if it came to that one day. They finally arrived in a big garden in front of a small but cute white house and Bucky smiled when he saw the woman he had talked to on the phone already waiting for them.

''Good news, we are there yet,'' he announced, the smirk very audible in his voice. ''You can take off your blindfold.''

Tony did and blinked a few times, getting used to the light; Bucky could see the total confusion on his face when he noticed where they were.

''Did you bring me here to buy a house? Because I already have about five, not sure we need one more.'' ''Nope, not a house.'' ''A horse, then? God, Bucky, you should have told me, I'd have bought a barn or something.'' ''Not a horse either,'' he snorted, smiling when his boyfriend pouted. ''But you're getting closer. Come on, get out, she's waiting for us.''

They walked to the plump woman who grinned and waved at them, and Bucky could hear Tony chuckle softly and fondly next to him.

''Finally, here you are, boys! I thought we wouldn't be seeing today!'' ''Not my fault, ma'am,'' answered Bucky smoothly. ''This one had no idea where we were going, so he spent a long time trying to get me to tell him, and pouting when I refused.'' ''Hey!'' protested Tony weakly, eyes darting around him, face set in a small frown as he tried to understand why he was there. ''My husband's the same. Come on, they're waiting for you.''

Tony looked at Bucky with wide eyes, mouthing ''them?'' with a quizzical expression, but Bucky just shook his head and followed the woman, grinning when he heard the small barks as soon as he set a foot in the house.

''Bucky…'' Tony whispered behind him, and he held a hand to him, stroking his thumb on the soft skin that met his.

They didn't say anything anymore until they finally got in front of a small park full of wriggling white, black and brown Jack Russel puppies, the mom looking at them with a wary eye. Bucky slowly turned to his boyfriend and grinned when he saw his wide eyes and open mouth.

''Surprise!'' he said, nerves making their big comeback when Tony kept silent. ''Are we…'' he finally said after what seemed to be a terrifyingly long time. ''Are we getting a dog?''

And the smiled that appeared on his face, bright and honest and full of love, set Bucky's heart racing. He couldn't help but pull him in his arms, hug him tight and kiss him, forgetting for a small while that they weren't exactly alone. He could hear the woman's laughter and the dogs' barks but ignored both for just a few seconds more, enjoying the feel of Tony's skin under his own.

''I saw you with Steve's dog last week. You almost couldn't let him go, so I thought that it would be a good idea to get one for ourselves…'' ''God, I love you, Bucky,'' simply answered Tony, all soft voice right next to his ear, and Bucky just melted a bit more and closed his eyes against the wave of affection that threatened to overwhelm him.

He squeezed him one last time and took a step back when he heard the woman gently clear her throat. He scratched his neck and smiled apologetically, while Tony coughed awkwardly next to him.

''Don't feel bad,'' she reassured them gently. ''It's great to see a nice couple like you from time to time. Now, about the dogs. The white one has already been chosen for a family right after he was born, but the other four are all free, you just have to pick one. Go on, play with them, don't be shy.''

They both smiled at her and stepped into the park, crouching side to side to pet the puppies and look at them closer. There was a tricolor one, white-black-brown, two white and black ones, and one light brown and white. After about ten minutes, Bucky could say that Tony had already made his choice; even if he played with all of them, he had one of the black and white puppies in his lap and never stopped stroking his fur; she was a female, as the woman told them, and was the most curious of them all. At that, Bucky and Tony exchanged a knowing grin, and they looked at the woman at the same time.

''We'll take her,'' Tony announced solemnly. ''She's the cutest.'' ''Any idea of a name?'' ''I have one,'' smiled Bucky. ''Tony being a scientist, a big fan of space and all that, what do you think of Nasa?''

Tony looked at him for a few seconds, then turned his eyes to the small puppy and looked her in the eyes.

''What do you think, cutie? You feel up to going to the moon? I have to say, you look like a Nasa to me,'' he cooed; the dog barked and he burst out laughing, startling her. ''Yeah, okay, I guess you like it. Nasa it is then, our little astronaut.''

***

When they went back home, arms full of food, toys and everything necessary for a puppy – Bucky had bought everything just the day before, stocking it one of the unused rooms downstairs – Tony put the puppy down and she immediately went sniffling around, barking at everything unusual and slightly sliding on the floor when she went running after a ray of sunshine.

''I officially declare her to be the cutest thing alive.'' ''Hmmm… She's not bad, but it's a close call, with you standing right next to her…'' Bucky smiled into Tony's ruffled hair.

His boyfriend turned around and smirked at him playfully, the light blush on his cheeks only highlighting his beauty.

''My, mister Barnes, are you flirting?'' ''Maybe I am, yes. I was just thinking about the plans you mentioned earlier and–'' ''But, Bucky! We can't right now, just imagine if Nasa came running into the room while we were at it. We can't do that, she's just a baby!''

Oh, God. He should have known this was a terrible idea, he thought, until he saw Tony lying down and laughing lightly when the puppy jumped on him and began to lick his face. Okay, a terrible idea, maybe, but that was awfully cute. And a few hours later, when they were safely locked in their room – Friday standing guard and Nasa sleeping on her dog bed – and Tony was deep into him, whispering dirty and loving things in his ear to thank him for his wonderful gift, he completely changed his mind. It had been a great, amazing, beautiful idea.

[remembermemorablememories]

Monday, July 23, 2018

post #196

main points:

- unit test work, dependency issues for the whole day

- meeting with LA team

- 1:1 with mentor

- lunch and working

- meeting with xueyan to assign work

- start new PR for iOS minor changes

- dependency issue all afternoon, pinging people for help

- finally got dependency issue resolved

- finally got the unit test to work

- breakdance session

- eat dinner at the office watching the office

- chill at home watching megalobox and melee

today i:

- woke up at 8:20am ish. snooze until like 8:45am

- uber with damien to work. they had smoked salmon today yumm. i got a sausage patty, eggs + salmon, broccoli (?) and grapes. great breakfast start to the week

- went to my desk and messaged matias about how to expect a promise for the unit test. realizing that it would resolve on its own, the next task was checking how to get a reference to the dialog that pops up

- went to a meeting with the LA team at 10:30-11am. they wanted to clarify some stuff on our design doc since we didn’t get a chance to last week

- worked a bit more, asking tim if he knew how to get a reference to the dialog/joining a larger iOS group chat

- had a 1:1 at 11:30am. it was very brief cause my mentor and i had been meeting all of last week, so we were pretty in sync

- grabbed lunch and brought it back to my desk. ate it and realized that i couldn’t even run my unit test attempt cause of dependency issues. i was surprised why there would be any cause the unit test dependencies should be using the same ones as the actual file...

continued working on this issue until around 2pm. still seemed to be having issues but met up with xueyan

- we discussed briefly what we have left to do. it’s the new thing that my mentor introduced last week, and the cancel and row items. so basically the logic of the UI components

- went back to the dependency issue. got a bit tired of being stuck on this PR for so long so went to another iOS PR that needed to be done. i needed to expand some existing endpoints to support optimistic behavior for our project

- went back to the dependency issue and pinged jesse, then max, since they were both on the framework team. i didn’t wanna keep bothering matias :o 

they gave me some suggestions but it didn’t solve my issue (which was something about visibility)

decided to go ask matias in person what the issue is and he suggested that the fix is in the build file (which i had previously checked). i didn’t wanna keep bothering him so i went back to my desk, a little stumped

then i found another place where i could specify the dependency and i thought i gave it a try this morning but it was with the wrong file format. i tried it again with updated format and then finally, the dependency issues were gone

spent another hour and a half tweaking the unit test to finally get it working as expected, and then i was done!! finally after a week of dependency issues, this PR should hopefully be done (after reviewing comments tomorrow)

- pushed my PR up, and went downstairs with john to grab take out

- got changed and went down to the studio to breakdance session from like 7:20-8pm. i didn’t get to go to class today at 4-5pm cause i wasn’t sure how long the dependency issue would take. i practiced some four step, flow thingy with the legs, cricket freeze, kickouts and backspin on my left side (since i can do it on my right side)

- came back upstairs and ate my dinner take out and watched another episode of the office on my phone. my mentor was still around so i went and said good bye to him. noticed that ellen was still around so swung by her desk and she also decided to head out (it was like 8:30 by then)

- called an uber and got back around 9pm. watched another episode of megalo box, S1E6. it was so good. i teared up a bit during the episode. this show is so good omg

- watched some melee gameplay and chatting with jwoos on messenger, then went to take a shower. jwoos and i had a good conversation on messenger :D 

- decided to get a ticket for soulstice this weekend. gonna hopefully split it with david or just get a 1 day saturday pass. 

- now it’s 12:57am. time 2 sleep

i feel happy now that i’m unblocked and finally able to work on the project with xueyan. i’ve been playing catch up this entire time cause i started a little later than she did, but i’ve also been blocked by issues that took me way longer than expected. i’m excited to get going this week and get done with a basic version of our project!!

okay good night

[cassieminus-blog]

Monday, October 9

I worked out Thursday of last week and then again last night (Sunday). After last night’s workout I felt so good!!! It was partly that I caught up on sleep Saturday night (legit slept 13 hours) but I didn’t end up sleeping until midnight last night which is annoying cuz I had to be up at 6:40 today. But, my workout was good, I then went home and made a delicious stir-fry with veggies, tofu and rice and didn’t go over!! my!! calories!! I had been eating and eating all weekend and getting my shit together Sunday was much needed. BUT: I’ve had my shit together three consecutive Sundays. It’s a matter of keeping it together this week. Even if I just have it together like, three days this week, I’ll be a lot better off than if I eat shit from Monday till Sunday.

I don’t have any exams this week. I ~am~ stressed with all the readings I have, the paper, and especially the presentation. And I know I need to stay on top of my shit with my math classes, I have to write an opinions piece this week and I have other stuff going on to take care of. But my mentoring program got cancelled so I have a little bit of a break today that I can use to get some things done, and my room is pretty clean which makes it a more pleasant place to be so I’m looking forward to when I get all my stuff done and can (hopefully) pass tf out at 10pm tonight.

I’m feeling cautiously optimistic about the semester. I think I failed my Calc exam but I get one drop so I just need to really work hard to ensure I get As on the third and fourth exams. If I work hard enough I can still get a damn A+ in that class. 

Anyways, life is hard and I’m already looking forward to Christmas break. Fall Break will be fun and Thanksgiving Break will be super relaxing and I’m looking forward to both, but I’m excited for a clean slate with classes. I need to work really hard to get the grades I want and then I’m so lit to take a nice three week break from school (other than the online class I’m taking lol).

Anyways, the key this week is going to be to plan ahead, incorporate lots of veggies/’volume’ foods into that plan, and to have the will-power to stick to it. I’m gonna try to only spend money on Starbucks and Subway and to use my dining dollars for that; at most I might go to Target to pick up a couple things and I might get some Halo Top while I’m there (I have coupons!!!) but I need to make my groceries last until this weekend before I can so much as justify buying a gallon of almond milk. I spent almost $150 of my monthly $250 on the first day of the mont, which is fine but I have to make it last. And I ate a looot at the beginning of the month which was not conducive to making it last. I spend $18 at Aldi and literally got a $7 thing of toilet paper, so $11 for everything else: two-dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, a bag of like half a dozen or more peaches, and a tray of peanut butter cookies. My goal is to make that shit last. I’m not gonna eat cheesy eggs at 12am stressed, I’m not gonna pour olive oil on the bread and eat that after I smoke...I’m going to make my shit last. My parents are generous enough to pay for whatever groceries I want. The least I can do is not blow through them way too quickly because I stress-eat, sad-eat, angry-eat, whatever. 

The stir-fry I made last night was literally so good. I had a huge plate of food for less than 600 cal. The thing that people don’t get about eating healthy is that it doesn’t have to be this bland experience. It’s not like you either eat a bunch of bad-for-you, high-calorie foods or else you can eat a single carrot. My stir-fry was essentially a fuck-ton of veggies, some tofu, a tablespoon of soy sauce and half a tablespoon of olive oil + a bunch of seasonings. Plus a side of rice. You’d be surprised how flavorful half a tablespoon of olive oil and a tablespoon of soy sauce can make things; throw in some red pepper flakes, some onion flakes and some garlic salt and powder and you have yourself a super flavorful stir-fry. I used to not like cooked vegetables, but you eat them a few times and learn how you like them prepared best and suddenly they become truly delicious. Like cooked broccoli? A few months ago I would’ve said yeah ew I don’t like cooked broccoli. But now it’s 8:20 AM and I’m truly looking forward to going home and making a healthy lunch, and some chopped broccoli tossed on a skillet with a teaspoon of olive oil and some garlic powder and chopped onion sounds delicious.

Plus!!! People fail to understand that yeah, oil is high in calories and fat. But a tablespoon of oil is enough to cook a lot of food with, and it’s ‘only’ 120 calories. And I’m totally willing to spend like 60 calories on oil if it’s gonna make my shit taste 100x more delicious, which I find that it does.

Anyways, I still have a lot of celery, asparagus, broccoli and two bell peppers in my kitchen along with some fresh fruit that I need to make sure I use before it goes bad, so I’m considering making another big stir-fry for dinner tonight (and maybe indefinitely until I get sick of it). I have no problem ‘saving’ 500-600 calories for dinner, the problem is that I pick foods that don’t satisfy me and that tempt me to go back for seconds. ‘Seconds’ on a veggie stir-fry would mean another 20 minutes of work for me, so I usually pass. That’s just what works for me, and obviously it’s not fool-proof. I still have to resist the urge to overeat sometimes. It’s just a lot less present after putting a large bowl of vegetables into my body versus something with less volume.

Not eating breakfast remains the move for me. I had coffee with a tablespoon of half-and-half and may go cop a skinny latte or a doubleshot on ice from Starbucks before I go to calculus, but even with a 100 cal starbucks I’m only at 120 for the day and won’t eat my first meal until 2:00 pm. My plan is to have Subway so I can stay on campus and then go somewhere to work for a few hours. If I’m doing work by 3, I can probably call it a day at around 6 and then hit the gym. Then go home, shower and make a stir-fry around 8pm. I’d still have enough calories for my last pint of Halo Top, probably. So yeah. I’m going to keep myself busy and productive, work hard, stay committed to my goals but let myself have all my favorite things- Starbucks, Subway, Halo Top...there is no deprivation involved in this for me. 

I went from 145-->160ish. Probably not 160ish truly, but 160s according to the scale. I’m back down now to 157 (that was with clothes on though, so probably 156). I have no worries that after the water weight/food weight (like the food that was physically in my stomach that usually isn’t bc I usually don’t eat so much) comes off, and I’m back into the routine for another few days, I’ll be down a couple more pounds on top of the additional 1-2 pounds a week I’ll be losing from my caloric deficit. My goal is to be back in the 140s by the time I go visit my best friend for Fall Break, which is only 2.5 weeks away but that’s enough time for me to lose 5 pounds. 5 pounds of ‘real’ loss + 2 pounds of water weight loss = I’d be in the 140s. 

When I go home for the summer, I’m going to weigh 130 pounds or less; the fact that that’s a reasonable goal for me is crazy to me after so many years of unsuccessfully trying to lose weight. If I lose weight at a rate of a pound per week, I’d be in the 120s. That means I can plan to lose weight at a rate of 1.5-2 pounds per week, and then toss the occasional slice of meat lover’s pizza or cookout tray in there, and if it evens out to a rate of 1-1.5 pounds per week I can still go home weighing less than 130 pounds. I don’t know if I’ll feel good enough about my body to accidentally-on-purpose run into a certain guy I want to impress at the beach at 125-130 pounds. I don’t know. But I know I’ll feel and look a hell of a lot better and I’ll be able to wear crop tops, and I’ll be a lot less sweaty and hot. My motivation definitely faltered, hard, this semester. But I’m back on my bullshit. I want this so bad and it’s motivating to know that if I can back on this and stay back on this, I can have the body I want if not by summer then by sometime early on my junior year of college. I’m disappointed I didn’t make healthy changes sooner but so, so proud I made them when I did. I’m going to be in the healthy weight category (for good) by the time I turn 20, and that makes me feel pretty damn good.

Okay, this was definitely a long ass post. Have a great start to your week everyone!!! If nothing else, do one thing today that puts you a little closer to your goals whether they’re health-related or not. There’s just another three months left in 2017 and we still have plenty of time to re-evaluate the resolutions we made nine months ago and to see what we can do to put a dent in them : )