#gonna take a quiz like this for my native language next | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ladymelissaduthe · 4 years ago

Text

Challenge #2

aka The Fic Where Arin Gets Stuck With Missy In An Inescapable Location (voluntarily) and it goes bad

a/n: just had to churn this fic out BHJNJSDBJD and all I can say is... Missy sweetie, I’m sorry. Thank you Anna @arin-schreave for this monster of an RP,,, it be spicy JSDKNDJKDN AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA #arinschreaveisoverparty and the other thing I’d like to say is watch out for the next fic ;))))))) (5968 words)

I didn’t know this was going to be the worst first date I’ve ever had.

A note was sent to my room sometime in the afternoon while I was out for a walk in the greenhouse again.

It was a note asking me to meet Arin Schreave at the docks by noon the next day.

It was my first date with Arin Schreave.

I didn’t sleep at all that night, whatever feelings started clouding my head refused to go away, even at the dead of night.

Still, I was determined to show up at the docks, early, give my best smile and hopefully have a nice first date.

From the note, I guessed we were gonna go on a boat for this one. Why else would Arin ask me to meet him at the dock? So I dressed in one of my nicer beach dresses, the kind you save for the nice kind of beach side weddings.

It wasn’t difficult to find the docks, having just asked my maids and a few guards along the way if I was taking the right path down from the palace. It was a good fifteen minute walk to really prepare myself for it, or whatever awaited me at the dock.

Apparently what awaited me was a boat and Arin Schreave on the said boat with a couple of baskets in his hands. We were going on a boat.

I wave my hand, still too far to be heard, but I pick up the pace and get there with a smile. The sound of the water growing as I approached.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Schreave.”

Arin turns around and nods to me, “Good afternoon, Melissa.”

I watch as he gets off the boat and walks over to the dock, and holds his hand out to me. “I hope you’re alright with boats and water.”

“Well, if it’s between you and me, I don’t actually know how to swim.” I reply, pretty sure that I should tell him that first. Just in case. Nonetheless, I had a swimsuit in my bag just in case there were any plans to do anything close to the water.

I give him a smile, trying to make light of my lack of swimming skills. “but it’s not the first time I’ve been on a boat so I wouldn’t worry about it.” I let myself laugh just a little before taking Arin’s hand to get onto the boat. “How are you today?”

“I’m alright, it’s nice to get our of the palace.” Arin replies before letting go of my hand once I’m on the boat.

“That’s good to hear.” I look around the boat. It was one of those small yachts, more than just a boat. I look around, seeing a small kitchenette that lead to where the controls must have been. My eyes go back to Arin. He walks over to one of the deck’s seats and lifts up the cushion and taking out a bright yellow life vest and walks back to hold it out to me.

“Safety first.”

I take the vest, and slip it on. “I have to say though, the vest doesn’t quite match my outfit.” Laughing to myself just a little as I glance over to my reflection on a nearby window. It would have to do for now.

“Yes well, if you fall overboard I don’t think anyone would be concerned about you were wearing.” He says before motioning for me to come into the covered part of the boat.

“May I ask?” I turn back to Arin, “Do you usually get to do this kind of stuff? Get out of the palace, I mean.”

Arin turns to me from where he walked over to, looking like he was ready to pick up a glass.

“I’m sure if I really wanted to I could but recently I haven’t had the time. That being said, I wouldn’t mind more non work related outings.”

“Fair point,” I nod before following him over to the kitchen portion of the boat, “Glad to hear that you don’t actually think of this as a work-related outing. Anything I can help with?”

“Technically I guess it is.” He says before holding up an empty glass and wiggles it in the air for emphasis. “I’ve got it all under control. What can I get you to drink?”

I look at the glass for a moment, considering what I wanted. Did he mean… like a drink… or like… a drink-drink? I settle on the former.

“Would you consider me lame if I asked for water?” I feel a little sheepish asking for that, despite being surrounded by tons of it.

Arin gives me a confused look, “Why do you ask?” he bends down to pull a water pitcher from the fridge and filling the glass, holding it out to me.

“Thank you.” I blink, taking the glass from him. “It’s nothing. I just… usually get violent reactions about… always asking for water.”

I roll my eyes at an old memory, someone always insisting that I’d probably like other drinks if I didn’t just keep on drinking water all the time. Come on Missy, don’t you drink anything else?

“Well…” Arin trails off before walking up to the helm of the ship to grab a glass, quickly returning with a glass half full of water. “I did say safety first and I meant it.” He raises an eyebrow at me.

I take a sip from my own water, and raise my eyebrow back at him.

“Didn’t quite expect safety first to mean that.” I say before shaking my head with a small laugh.

“What did you think I meant?” he takes a sip as well, giving me a curious look.

I gesture to the bright yellow life vest, the one that was complete tacky with my dress, clearing my throat. “This?” I let another a laugh out before looking over to the water.

“Is this boat headed anywhere in particular?” I hold my glass to my lips.

Arin nods. “Everyone has to be safe aboard L’etoile de mer. Those are the rules.” He sets his glass down on the counter. “We can go anywhere you like.”

L’etoile de mer. I think I knew what it meant.

I furrow my brows, “This boat is called The Starfish?”

He nods, “Yeah, it is.”

I think I catch him smile slightly at that.

Well… this was going pretty smoothly.

“Sounds a little different from how they say it back in Orleans.” I muse, while looking over to him. There was a local restaurant with the same exact name, Starfish themed decorations all over the walls. “El-toiLe day Mare.” I say it, emphasizing how we pronounced it over in Orleans.

“You speak French?” He raises his eyebrows when I say it.

“Conversational Louisiana French,” I bobble my head, smiling to him. “Kind of the broken more localized version of it back in Orleans. Didn’t quite put it in my application since I thought y’all were gonna quiz me on it or something.”

Couldn’t quite say that I was fluent in it, because I didn’t quite know how to write it. More like phrases and expressions passed down generations of natives of Orleans. Not the fancy un deux trois they’d teach you in schools.

I laugh to myself at that thought, looking back to Arin.

“Oh,” his face turns into a slight frown, “Honestly? I didn’t actually read through any of the applications.” He tenses at the end of that sentence.

I instinctively raise a brow, “So you didn’t really know anything about me when we met?” I add a smile, making sure to let him know I wouldn’t feel offended if he said that.

“Nothing. Why? Should I go back and read it?” he crosses his arms.

So he didn’t know… much other than my name… Well, this was a good opportunity to introduce myself again.

“No need to, I can summarize it myself.” I clear my throat and straighten my back.

“Hi, I'm Melissa, Missy for short. I'm 20, I plan and coordinate weddings for a living in Orleans. I only read and write in one language and that's English.” I try to wrack my brain for anything else I placed in that old application I filled out more than a month ago. “Huh, I think that’s everything on the form.”

A part of me thanks whoever made that form for not including past relationships.

Arin nods, “Well, I’m afraid I don’t have any application to summarize for you. But I’m sure Joogle would tell you all the same stuff and more.”

Come on, Arin… I was throwing you a bone to talk about yourself. I always thought I was good at conversing with other people, and well, this was an easy way to get to know other people.

“Joogle talks about facts, not exactly what a person is like when you’re face to face with ‘em.” I sip from my water, sending him a curious look.

“Facts are important.” He gives me a pointed look. “Facts tell you the truth without caring about people’s feelings. I’m sure Joogle could give you much more straight answers about me than I ever could.”

Is.. he not used to talking about himself?

“Alright,” I look to him, still feeling a little hurt at that pointed look. “I guess I can Joogle something like, ‘what are things that make Arin Schreave smile?’”

Maybe I used the wrong tone for that. It was a joke to get him to lighten up a little bit.

Instead, I got the opposite.

“And unfortunately for you, you’d find out I’m too serious for my own good and I don’t know how to have a good time.” He stares back at me for a moment. Then he picks up his water, downing his water and setting it down with a clink.

I set my glass down.

That was… cold. My Grammy told me, if someone seemed like there was a thorn in their sides, it was always better to ask if they were doing alright. No matter what, trust your gut when it seems like something was wrong with someone. Ask them if they were alright.

It seemed like there was something worry about at what he said. Maybe… he was feeling stressed over something. What could possibly go wrong when you ask someone if they are alright?

“Arin…” my brows furrow, “Do you need to get something off your chest? Someone to talk to?”

I think I made a mistake asking him that.

All he did was let out a sardonic chuckle.

“Missy, all I need right now is for us to get this date over with. I don’t need a babysitter.”

Missy, all I need right now is for us to get this date over with. I don’t need a babysitter.

I suck in a breath. Jeez, that hurt. Even on a boat and in a life vest, there was a sinking feeling in my chest, and I couldn’t stop my hands from wringing each other.

“At least you’re really straightforward.” I reply, wanting to say more. I wanted to tell him… something, but I didn’t know what to say.

Get this date over… so he didn’t want to be here…

So much for making a great impression during our first date. So much for actually having a chance of staying.

“Thank you for being honest.” I think I started feeling a lump form in my throat.

Arin shrugs then steps away from the counter.

“We should get going.”

He watches me for a moment before turning and walking to the helm, out of my sight for now.

I try to take another breath, trying to wish that dreadful feeling from my chest and throat. This sinking feeling. This lump in my throat. I reach up to swipe at my eyes, getting rid of the tears starting to form there. No one likes people who cry.

Come on, not all hope is lost.

Jackson told me that Arin was kind, this was just a bump in the road. A misunderstanding.

I take another moment to breathe, to regain my composure, making sure not to feel bad for myself, or at what he said before following him to the helm.

He was going around, turning switches on, the motor of the boat coming to life. It took another moment before he glances over to me.

“I need to cast us off.”

I try to move out of his way when he passes by me to get to the other end of the boat to do… whatever casting us off meant.

If he just wanted to get this over with… did he still want to talk?

Asking him if he was alright was off the table, or maybe personal questions in general.

I try to think up of a plan to get him to still talk to me, maybe it just takes some time for him to warm up to people.

I’m left to think about it for a long time, just watching him work around the boat. Pulling and tying up ropes, and carrying what he called buoys to other places on the boat. Not once talking to me… he was just busy with the boat. I tell myself.

But I hated it when I felt like someone was upset and I couldn’t talk to them. So when it seemed like he wasn’t busy steering/driving the boat in the captain’s seat, I tried to make another attempt to talk to him.

“Do you uh… boat often?” I ask, my left hand still fiddling with my ring.

Arin glances between me and the water, continuing to drive.

“Not really anymore. But when I was a kid we used to do this all the time.”

“You and the entire royal family?” I lift a brow at him. I should stop fiddling with my ring.

“Mostly us kids, my mom, and my grandpa.”

I try to talk to him more about it, trying to get him to talk about his family some more but… that conversation went nowhere. Literally nowhere, his attention seeming more focused on steering the boat, or pushing one of the levers that made the boat move faster.

Without meaning to, my hand grabbed the edge of his seat to steady myself. “Whoa there,” I stop myself from laughing, this was getting ridiculous, and I didn’t know what to do to actually keep this going.

Arin glances up at me, and takes a breath. “Sorry, I can go slower.”

“Thank you,” I let go of the seat, and fixing my footing so I wouldn’t topple over at the boat’s movement. “There should be more seat belts ‘round here.”

I suddenly felt the boat slow down, Arin looking over to me in confusion.

“Seatbelts?”

“I mean, what if… the boat was going really fast and suddenly stopped? Whoever was in the boat could be… thrown forwards. Just a thought really, when you said ‘safety first’.” I shake my head, dismissing the idea in my head. “It’s nothing. Just a thought.”

The boat seemed have slowed down some more.

“Well,” he seems to have hesitated before saying that, “if the boat suddenly stopped that would probably mean we’d hit something and in that scenario being thrown around could be dangerous, yes, but if something is defective with the seatbelt and can’t get unbuckled…”

I let my lips form a line, and nod.

“Another… unfortunate way to go if ever… that happens. But what’s the likelihood of that happening, right? Well both of those things.” I cross my arms to wrap them around myself.

The boat seems to have made a complete stop.

“We can go back if you want.” He says with a concerned look.

“No it’s alright. You said that you wanted to uh… get this over. Let’s just do this the way you planned it.” I try to give him a small smile, despite feeling uncomfortable. “I’m alright.”

This was fine, just… really awkward… not the way I planned things to go.

Arin shakes his head, “We don’t have to stay out here, Melissa. You aren’t obligated.”

I let out a breath, trying to just try to make the best out of this situation.

“Listen… I was pretty excited to go on this date. Though it hasn’t quite started out the way I would have wanted, I’m not exactly… assuming that this date is already a disaster and a hopeless case.” I lift a shoulder, before adding, “Sorry for trying to pry earlier.”

Maybe he just didn’t want to keep on talking about himself… which completely destroys the idea of a first date… but…

“You an be excited, no one is stopping you. And yes this is technically a date but…” he cuts himself off.

“But…?” I keep eye contact, trying to be as serious as I could be. “Arin, I don’t want to mince words here.”

That’s where I went wrong before. I needed to know what was going on in that head of his so I could adjust.

“You can’t pretend like we just ran into each other getting coffee and I thought you were smart and cute and asked you out.” I watch him leans back in his seat, before meeting my eyes.

I nod at what he says, trying to understand what he meant to say.

“And yet, circumstance has brought us here nonetheless.” I reach up to rub my neck, while looking away. “I understand... this isn’t... the most traditional way to be on a date with someone. Trust me, I do.”

I think I would have taken the coffee shop option any day, but a part of me felt still clung to the idea of this being the fairytale romance I wanted a second chance with.

I try to make light of this situation again, “If it’s any consolation, I probably would have been the one to ask you out because I thought you were smart and cute.”

Sometimes I hate what comes out of my mouth.

All Arin does is shift uncomfortably and looks straight ahead, taking a deep breath.

I sigh to myself at that, “Sorry, I’ll just… stop talking now and try to not make this any worse.”

I wonder if they were going to let me keep some of my dresses when Arin was going to send me home tomorrow.

Silence. All there is silence from him until he turns to me again.

“Do you like fruit?”

I blink at that, nodding slowly.

“Of course I like fruit. I’m uh… vegan.”

“Okay.” He nods, “We have fruit.”

“Thank you.” I nod back. “Uh, what kind of fruit?”

“Um… they’re in the fridge.” He says before awkwardly standing up to look at me.

Oh thank God, an excuse to get out of here for a bit.

“That’s nice.” I take a step back, “Mind if I check it out?”

“Go for it… I’ll just keep an eye out for other boats…” He’s still standing in place.

“Other boats… Okie dokie, I’ll just be… in the kitchenette.” I take a few steps before wondering if he needed anything. “Do you want anything from there?”

“Uh huh.”

“Um okay? What can I get you?”

“Sounds great!”

He wasn’t listening, I look over to see him crouching from where he was and hiding. He was probably on his phone.

A part of me wanted to be anywhere else. Anywhere else but here, but I was here and I had no where to go.

I move over to the fridge, trying to think of ways to make the best out of this. There had to be something good to come out of this.

Arin is kind, remember that above all things.

He just needed time to warm up…. At least… I thought so.

“What would Grammy do?” I mumble to myself, crouching down to the open fridge door, grabbing some apples and oranges.

Grammy would probably have pushed him off the boat, if he was a normal boy. This wasn’t a normal date, and Arin wasn’t a normal boy. Plus, I’m pretty sure, his bodyguard was somewhere we couldn’t just see him.

I couldn’t do anything but grin and bear this. I signed up for this after all.

Suddenly, I hear the door open and I tense. I signed up for this. My eyes grab a few more fruits before setting them all on the counter. From the corner of my eye, I see him sitting down on the seats close to the edge of the boat’s open area.

“Arin, are there any knives I can use to slice these fruits up?”

Just the sound of the waves.

“Arin?” I call again, to no response. Well I guess I wasn’t going to slice these up. I decide to just wash what I could and dry them before putting the fruits I got on a platter I saw close to the sink, and head over to him at the deck.

“Hey… uh, you didn’t say which fruit you wanted, so I just… brought uh… a sample of each one that was in the fridge.”

He seems to look up in surprise as I walk over.

“Oh… I…” he looks around before looking back to me. “Anything is fine.”

“Okie dokie,” I nod my head.

“I’ll just…” I place the platter on a nearby table close to him, “leave this here.” I curl my lips in before reaching to pick up the sole orange and find a seat not too far from him, but enough space for a bob sled team.

“So… what did you have planned…?” I ask, taking my seat.

He takes his time to look at me for a good moment. Were all my conversations with him going to be this awkward?

“Honestly? I didn’t have a plan. I’m not really someone who dates.”

The boat just sways slightly as the ocean moves the boat ever so slightly up and down.

I just nod at that, my hands peeling my orange. “Same here. I mean… huh… it’s just been a while.”

It’s been seven years, actually. That felt like a lifetime ago. I shake my head remembering that, bringing a piece of the orange to my mouth to shut myself up.

“Well, then at least we’re in the same boat.” He says before going silent, then chuckling out of nowhere.

I try to not laugh, stifling my own laughter. I didn’t even know if I was allowed to laugh around his presence.

“In more ways than one, I suppose.” I eat another orange slice, nodding once. If he only knew.

Except I didn’t act like a stick in the mud after my fiancé left me.

“Boat for boat?”

“Hm?” I turn to him, slightly confused with what he said. “Sorry I didn’t quite catch what… you said.” More of what he meant.

Arin waves it off and shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it.” He says before running his hands through his hair.

“So you like oranges?”

Why was he asking me all these fruit related questions? Well… talking about fruits was something.

“They’re fun to peel.” I nod slowly before lifting my orange peel, staying in one piece.

“But so are bananas.” He raises an eyebrow at me, leaning over to grab and pick up a banana.

“So you prefer bananas?” I ask, eating another orange.

Bananas… were alright… I suppose.

Good with ice cream.

“The have potassium and you’re less likely to choke.” He says before beginning to peel the banana.

What orange fact did I know??

I lift a piece of my orange, “Fiber and Vitamin C. The peels are nice to turn into candy too.”

“All fruits have their merits.” He then sinks back into the cushions of his seat.

“Yes they all do.”

That was my third… fourth? Conversation that went nowhere.

I look out to the water, finishing my orange, my hands going back to fiddle with my ring. This was nice… the set up… but… it seemed like a logistical nightmare.

“I have a question.” I say out loud.

“Hm?” Arin’s eyes are still closed when he says that, taking a bite and chewing slowly.

“Why’d you choose a boat ride for our ‘date’? I mean… was it… randomized?” I tilt my head, how am I supposed to phrase this. “I’m just… curious with what the logistics behind this whole… process is like.”

Arin opens his eyes, finally looking over to me, blinking at the sun’s brightness “I didn’t pick it, it was picked for me. So I don’t really have an answer for you on how or why.”

I feel my brows furrow when he says that.

“So that’s why you’d wanna get this over…”

I suppose I was just another name to check of whatever list they had.

“No,” he says, eyeing me cautiously. “I said I wanted to get it over because there’s no point in treating this like it’s a normal date.” His eyes glance down to the banana in his hand. “But for what it’s worth, the boat was a nice touch. I’ve got to hand it to them.”

Easy for him to say that.

“So how do you want to approach this then?” I prop my head on my arm, looking over to him. “An extended lunch meeting?”

I think I wanted this date to be over more than he did, but I still badly wanted to stay… in the Selection. But this Selection wasn’t the fairytale I was hoping it to be.

“We could, but something tells me that’s not you want.” He looks back to me, and raises his brows.

Oh he was concerned with what I wanted know.

“From what I reckon, the two of us had very different expectations from this.” I lift my shoulders and dust my hands. “I’d rather negotiate with how we’re going to go about this ‘date’, just to make sure I’m on the same page as you are.”

I felt tired, having to play mental gymnastics trying to make sure things were going well. Might as well ask him what he was expecting to manage my own.

“So then, negotiate.” An amused but expectant look appears on his features before he takes another bite of his banana.

I can’t believe I was actually making negotiations about this date… during the date itself.

“Alright,” I clasp my hands on the table in front of me. “So do you want me to avoid all personal questions? You definitely seem like I touch a nerve every time I seem to ask a question about you.”

Literally… every personal question ended up at a dead end, or him having snapped at me.

“I don’t see how you could possibly do that.” He finishes his banana and chews it, looking like he was thinking something over.

“Well I could try.” I argue with a sigh, wracking my brain. Saying the first thing to pop up in my head. “Do aliens exist? What’s wrong but sounds right?”

All I get is a look from Arin, as if I was insane.

“You want to talk about aliens? Really?”

He stands up.

I try to not groan.

“It’s better than nothing. Are you gonna try to dismiss every single thing I try to suggest to you?” I meet his eyes, wanting to say some more choice words, feeling myself tense.

“What do you want from me, Melissa?”

For the nth time, people call me Missy. Could he stop calling me Melissa?

I feel my brows knit.

“I don’t even know what I really want from this, from you.” I admit, blinking a couple of times. I didn’t know what I wanted from this anymore, now that I’m here.

I came here because I wanted to fall in love with someone again.

I stand from my seat, and head over to one of the rails, leaning over to watch the water. Was it too much to ask for another chance?

I hear Arin move around, and I can’t help but not ignore my left hand twisting on my ring.

“What exactly were you hoping for? A whirlwind romance?”

I just wanted to feel the butterflies in my stomach firsthand again. I missed… that kind of happiness.

The attention of the Selection felt good at first.

Daniel must be kicking himself. I heard my mama say to me one day after my name was announced.

The only person kicking themselves right now was me.

I think I wanted to cry right now.

I turn to Arin, “Something like that, yes. Guess fairytales about this whole Selection thing just really do stay in those books.”

I grew reading about the previous Selections, almost knowing the names of every girl who was picked as The One in the Selections past. I studied them since people wanted weddings like those.

America, Alize, Annelise, Eloise, Danielle. They all seemed happy in their wedding pictures.

“I think you mean fairytales in general.” I hear Arin step closer, and I catch him shove his hands in his pockets from the corner of my eyes.

“Between you and me, I thought this was my second chance with the whole fairytale schtick.” I shake my head, the thought of Arin and fairytale romance? The more time I spent with him, the more those words disassociated themselves from each other.

“Well then, it seems like you and I are very different people.”

I think out loud, “Surround yourself with happy couples on the road to happily ever after every day.” I lift my shoulders.

For all the secondhand butterflies I’ve had from weddings, there was always the tiniest pang of jealousy. I could have had a day like that. Why didn’t I deserve to be that happy?

Maybe a part of Arin wondered that too.

I wait a quiet moment and debate if I should ask Arin something about his own expectations out of this.

“What do you want out of this, then?” I look to him. This date was already going up in flames, might as well try my best to make sense of it, and this whole Selection experience. “I mean this whole Selection.”

“Nothing.”

Nothing.

He wanted nothing.

For someone who had a say in this, that was a pretty sad answer.

I wait for a beat before I nod my head once.

“You’re less likely to be disappointed then.” I reply, pushing back some of my stray hair blown by the breeze.

“Maybe you’re right. But I think I’ve only been disappointed more.” He says walking to the railing to my right and leaning against it.

I move a little to give him some space, but look over to him.

“Even without expectations, this isn’t exactly how you thought this was gonna turn out, huh?”

I wondered what he genuinely expected out of this? Make his ex jealous? Find a rebound?

“This was never part of the plan.” His eyes stay on the water as he says that, looking like he’s thinking. I leave him to his thoughts so I could go over my own.

With what he’s been saying… with how’s been acting towards me… it made me really question: What was his plan…

“This was my grandpa’s boat.”

“Was King Raja the one who named this the L’Etoile de Mer?” I ask.

Arin looks to me, “No, he wasn’t. I never really knew him. I mean my mom’s dad.” His eyes go back to the water.

“Do you wish you knew him?” My eyes don’t leave the water either when I ask that.

He stays still for a moment before he shakes his head. “No, I don’t.”

I nod my head at that. “Then it’s not much of a loss on your end.”

The idea of not knowing your grandparents was sad… at least if it was me.

“I was mostly raised by my grandparents. I wouldn’t know what I’d do without them.” I share, while we were on the topic. I mean I was raised by my mama and daddy too, but they had me when they were young.

Grammy and Pappy felt... more like parents to me.

“Well, then yours were much better people than mine were.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” I wanted to ask why it seemed like that to him when he was the one who brought up his grandfather.

We’re back to our regularly scheduled silence in between conversations, until I see him move away. Maybe he was going over to the controls to bring us back. No, he was staying in one place.

I turn to him, before I realize that he was actually unbuttoning his shirt.

“Oh,”

I feel heat rise to my face, and I turn back to facing the water. For good measure, I place my hand to cover my peripheral vision from seeing him. “Uh, sorry.”

“I forgot.”

“Well, uh?” I blink, peeking to see him having dropped his hands to his side. The heat from my face not going away. “Is it safe to swim around here?”

“It should be. Why? Are you worried I might feed you to the sharks?” I see his brows raise at me.

“For all I know, that’s how you plan on eliminating me.” I look over the water again. If he was going to insist on swimming around these parts. “Can you teach me… how to swim…?”

“I promise you that I didn’t murder anyone who has been sent home so far.” His fingers go back to his buttons. “I’m sorry?”

My eyes widen before spinning on my heel to turn back to the water.

“Sorry.” I cover my line of sight to his direction again with my hand. “I suppose I’ll just float with this on… if ever.” Was he really going to swim? In OPEN water?

“You can learn how to swim but I don’t think the open ocean is the place to start.”

I snap my fingers with my free hand, “Fair point.” My other hand was still up to cover myself from seeing him. “Sorry we can’t go swimming right now.”

“Who knows, maybe there was a hugry shark down there and you just saved us both from being eaten.”

I peek over to him, was that… the hint of a genuine smile?

“Safety first on the L’Etoile De Mer, right?” I reply, still eyeing him… and that smile.

He laughs, “Well in less than a day you’ve already learned something my mom hasn’t learned in 50 years.”

I give him a look, sort of weirded out at him laughing.

“And that is?”

“That safety is very important.”

I can’t help but let a laugh out at that.

“Hard to believe that your mother wouldn’t think of safety as important.”

Arin blinks at that. “I’m guessing you haven’t met her yet.” He says before looking out to the water again.

I shake my head. “She’s away, isn’t she? Some tour abroad, right?”

“Oh,” Arin frowns, “I meant my mom. I don’t call the queen mom.”

Oh…

I look away in my embarrassment. “Oh… sorry. I thought... you called both of them... I mean... your mom and the queen... uh... mom. Sorry.”

That was… a stupid assumption.

“No, the queen isn’t mom.” Arin explains as he leans back against the railing. “Mom is the princess.”

“Duly noted.” I reply, mentally kicking myself

A massive sigh comes from Arin.

I sigh mentally to myself. This date couldn’t already get any worse.

I was almost certain I was going home soon, and the only bright side to it was that I wouldn’t have any more painfully awkward conversations like this with Arin Schreave.

#selectionoc #selection oc #melissa duthe #missy fics #arin tag #((i think I can truly say that Arin Schreave does not deserve any rights BJSNJKDNKSDJK HE MADE MISSY CRY))#((there are more tears in the next fic too bro it was a rough date))

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dolphin-enthusiast · 4 years ago

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Part 11. Is long, my dudes. ALSO MY POOL IS FILLING UP!! But another warning, a weed Joke.

“WHAT DO WE DO,DAMMIT!! What should I do?!” ”Chill, Okuyasu quit watching and get over here we can’t leave them alone at a time like this.” “Wait, why are you so calm?! YOU’D BE THE FIRST TO PANICK AND SHE’S TARGETING YOU TOO!!!” “Oh, I look calm, I’m just keeping the anxiety attack on the inside.” “You know, at first I was happy, no other girls liked me before.” “I feel you, I feel you deeply and my feelings I can feel deeply.” Then Koichi just plans to tell her off “Koichi, are you braindead? From someone that’s been confessed like 7 times each day, it won’t end well.” “She’s right, she won’t stop easily! She’s the kind of person that can weave 2 sweaters in a single night, that’ll make her more determined!” “Hey, did you guys know Sky’s Puertorican-Mexican?” “Huh? A combination like that exists?” “Why does she look Korean?” “To be honest myself, I don’t know. The real question is how did SHE know I’m Puertorican-Mexican.” “Can you speak Puertorican?” “Okuyasu, you fucking dumbass, México and Puerto Rico speak Spanish- WE’RE GETTING OFF TOPIC!!” “Right!- Wait, is that right? I can’t tell her off?” “Right, don’t try to convince her now. Don’t make her use her hair stand. You need to make her hate you too, make you seem like the most boring and bad people in the school.” “Guys, as a psychic,I don’t recommend that-” then they formulate a plan “Wait, how do we make a girl like Sky, the most boring person ever? I mean, her entire life could be made into a drama. And she gave Yukako her own phone number.” “What if we don’t and I ignore her like I do with everyone else-” Then they continue “How about we tell her a giant lie about Sky too, like, She’s completely straight! Or if she’s a slob-” “I give up.” Then they continue and Koichi shows them his English test “-This is the english text we just took. I can’t study like this!” “16... That’s really low. Even I can do better than this. Mine’s 32.” “Really? I got a 96. If it weren’t for the fact that I ran out of time I would’ve gotten 100. I think I’ll also ruin my life as well. I got a 69.420 in Japanese. I can’t afford to ruin what I spent raising so much.” “Listen Koichi!Do what we tell you! Sky, I love you, survive.” “Well damn, if you put it that way, I guess I will.”

Yukako was making her way down the streets . “HEY, THAT KOICHI HIROSE IS VERY DIRTY!!” “HE LOOKS NORMAL!! I CAN’T BELIEVE HE DOES THINGS LIKE THAT!!” “AND THAT SKY-CHANYEOL GUADALUPE!!” “I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE COMES FROM A PLACE LIKE THAT!! SHE MUST BE SECRETLY A THUG!!” “Hey, is she looking that way? And why is there a trashcan here ?” “No, but I’m sure she can hear us, let’s continue. And I don’t know. Go with it I guess.” “THAT KOICHI REALLY STEALS?!” “YEAH!! HE TOLD ME HIMSELF!!” “NO DIGNITY!” “AND DOES SKY REALLY LIKE BLOWING THINGS UP?!” “YEAH!! WHERE SHE COMES FROM SHE DID IT A LOT, SHE CAN MAKE A BOMB OUT OF THIN AIR!!” Then they continue with Koichi’s insults. Then, Okuyasu says “I HEARD THAT SKY DOESN’T DATE BECAUSE ALL OF HER PSYCHOPATHIC EXES WERE BLOWN UP!!” “REALLY? DID SHE HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT?!?” “SHE DENIES IT, BUT SHE LOOKED PROUD!!” “WE SHOULD CUT TIES WITH THEM!! SHE’S INSANE AND HE HAS NO FUTURE!” She leaves. *Pop*

I come out of the trashcan. “Wait, you were here all along?” “Yes, and the part about insane hurt a little. You didn’t have to go there. I mean, you’re not wrong, but still, you didn’t have to go there.” “Can you predict that our plan work.” I do the thing. “It didn’t work, she’s gonna kidnap us.” “Maybe your vision was wrong.” “I SURE HOPE SO.”

At my boi Koichi’s.

“Josuke and Okuyasu made it sound so easy... I’m so tired. Maybe I was too nervous. Let’s hope tomorrow she’ll forget about us.” He was talking, I was shaking. He falls asleep and has a nightmare. “Wake up, Koichi. Wake the fuck up,Koichi!!” “W-What’s wrong?” Yukako is outside the window “Y-Your friends are saying bad things about you!! But don’t worry I’m here to perfect you. I’m taking you with me.” She sees our English tests, my Japanese quiz and a bottle of nitroglycerin. “One more centimetre.” “Huh, what’s wrong, love?” “One more centimetre and that bottle would’ve fallen off the table.” Koichi just goes: “What would’ve happened if it fell off?” “That bottle of nitroglycerin would’ve fallen, gotten shocked from impact and exploded. There’s enough in that bottle to obliterate the entire room.” “That’s why I’m here, to fix you!” And she kidnaps us.

In a house, near the edge of Duwang.

There we were tied up to a chair. My stand, was close to hatching, and I was sending an SOS to Jotaro.

... And building a bomb with my feet just in case. You never know wjen

“You must be hungry guys!”

‘Koichi, act natural.’ ‘Wait, did you just send me a message with your mind?!’ ‘Yes, don’t question it. Just play along with it.’

“Hey, Shawty? We wanted to ask you something.” “What?” “Last night, about the hair, what was that about?” “You guys saw it for the first time so you just be a little scared..” she explains about how it was Keicho, an arrow and so on. “Do you mayhaps know someone else with that ability?” “Not sure, now come sit here, you need to have a balanced diet to become perfect people!”

‘Koichi, I made a bomb while she was cooking, I hid the detonator of the bomb in a safe box, push it back so she doesn’t notice.’ ‘How? Your psychic abilities helped you see that it would work?’ ‘No, I quite literally make stuff in my sleep. It just happened to be bomb this time.’ ‘Ok!’ He slides the bomb back. “Can we eat? I need to take my pills after eating.” “Can we??!” “NOT NOW,GUYS!! Koichi, 16 on your English test? And Sky, really? 69.420?” “Listen, I may not be that person to do jokes that I don’t fully understand. But it said 420. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity to do a weed joke and I needed to use it.” “So you smoke?!!” “No, I see the people who get high do stupid things everyday I leave my apartment with my do- WHERE’S IGGY?!” “BARK!” “Thank God...” “Anyways, I said it last night, those scores are too low in my standards, Koichi, even if you’re not that smart, that score is too low, and Sky-” *click* *Dorime, Interimo Adapare,Dorime-* “I know that Japanese is not even close to your native language but you have a manga, it’s not even finished yet! How are you so bad at it?” “First, How did you know I was writing another part? And second, YOU KNOW I’M BOTH DYSLEXIC AND DYSGRAPHIC!! I TRY BUT I SUCK!” “I think we should study while we eat.” She pulls out the boxes and asks Koichi. “Prince often sings about 'funky music', but what is the definition of 'funk'? A) Crazy music B) Groovy music or C) Smooth music?” “B!” “Correct! Now for Sky! How many strokes takes to write the word 湖 (Lake)? A) 15 B) 12 or C) 10?” “B.” “Great!You guys got boiled eggs!” ‘Dammit, I hate those.’ ‘How did you know the answer of yours? You don’t even know how to write your name correctly.’ ‘ I didn’t. I knew that if you were correct with your answer, she wouldn’t expect for me to guess it was in the same place. I do every character with as many strokes I need. I write everything kinda connected, Spanish and Japanese are far from similar.’ “ I’ll take the shell off. Do you guys want salt or soy sauce?” ‘She seems happy! We need to escape as soon as we get the chance!’ “If you guessed A, you’d have to eat erasers!” ‘Fuck, it’s real.’ “C is soap.” ‘Oh hell naw.’ Then she goes to the next one. Koichi bout to get it. “And for Sky, the strokes for, ( 愛 )love. A) 11 ,B) 9, or C) 13. Koichi guesses from her face, I think about it. “C!” “ Koichi, did you guess by looking at my face?” “What about Sky?!” “Did YOU guess by my face,Guadalupe?” “NO, I GUESSED BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE IT HAD THE SAME NUMBER OF STROKES LIKE LAKE BUT I NOTICED ONE MORE STROKE!!” “She thought about it! “ And she gives him the choice from bamboo or corn syrup. And tries to force feed him. “GET THE BOMB!!” And we try to get it to run.

(What I hear every time I run after I make my mum mad.)

“YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!” “FINE!!! I ACCEPT THAT FOR NOW, BUT MY BOMB!!” “WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH A BOMB!!” “I BUILT IT IN MY SLEEP OK?!? I DON’T REMEMBER HOW I BUILT THIS ONE!! THAT’S WHY I NEED IT!!” Yadayadaya , we try to escape Yukako reveals that the house is owned by a CEO in Tokyo and since no one will know until summer, we’ll have plenty of time to 'make progress'. Yayadaya, we get to the door, in what year did Columbus discovered the new world?’ “Do you know the answer?” “No, I forgot, she yoinked my head real hard.”

Part 12. Soon

#fuckin tokyo ceo then mf columbus #submission

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johnnusz · 5 years ago

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‘I’m going to say my piece’ on pandemic spring break

Udonis Haslem

❮❯

Miami Heat forward and Liberty City native Udonis Haslem discusses the coronavirus pandemic, what it was like growing up hungry in South Florida, and why spring breakers needed to stay home to avoid COVID-19.

BY UDONIS HASLEM

This article by Miami Heat veteran Udonis Haslem was originally published by The Players’ Tribune and contains explicit language.

You see that video going around of these silly ass college kids down in South Florida on spring break? Talking about, “If I get corona, I get corona, bro,” and all that nonsense?

Man, I’ll tell you one thing for sure.

Those kids have never been hungry a day in their life.

They never had to worry about nothing more serious than a pop quiz. But they’re still coming down here — coming to our state — in the middle of a pandemic, acting like nothing’s going on??

I’m not usually the kind of guy who does this sort of thing … . I don’t write a lot of articles. But if you f--- with my city, I’m going to speak on it.

So I’m going to take a second here and say my piece.

It’s funny — these kids fly down to places like South Beach for a couple days to party, and they think that’s Miami. But they’ve never seen the real Miami. They’ve never been to Liberty City. They’ve never seen the side of this city that’s living check to check. The side of this city that’s surviving meal to meal.

And let me just tell you something, man — there’s a Liberty City in every city. It’s regular people, with regular struggles. And I don’t know how I can get everyone to listen, but I say this from the bottom of my heart: The people growing up in the real Miami? They’re as vulnerable during this crisis as anybody.

And I’ll tell you one more thing — this idea about those people, that because of this coronavirus they’re going to go hungry? They were already hungry. Way before all this. They were already worrying about where their next meal was gonna come from, or where they’re gonna sleep tonight, or how they’re going to get their next dollar.

And that’s what I need to get off my chest right here. Because it’s been eating me up — to see all this coverage of our city, from all these people who don’t even know what they’re talking about, that’s just focused on a bunch of kids acting stupid.

This ain’t your f---ing beach, bruh.

This is not your spring break.

This shit is real life — and come to think of it, it’s more than even that.

This shit is life and death.

But how do I know, right? I hear y’all already, with your comments. I’m just some rich basketball player. How can I relate to that? What do I know?

Man, I grew up in Liberty City.

I had never even been to South Beach until my rookie year in the NBA.

We were living a whole different life across the bridge.

We saw things no kids should see. Drug addiction was all around us. Homelessness was all around us. My mother, God bless her soul, struggled with addiction and was homeless for years until she turned her life around.

I was that kid getting those free school lunches you read about on your Twitter timeline. Matter of fact, most of us in my elementary school had lunch cards. We went to school to eat, you know what I’m saying?? Those fish sticks were everything. That little carton of chocolate milk was everything. If you skipped school to f--- around in the streets, you might go hungry that day.

I didn’t know anything different. To me, that was just the norm. Like if you had three dollars to buy some chips and a sandwich for lunch? Man, I was looking at you like you were the weird one, you know what I’m saying?

And so while I might not be a doctor or a congressman or anything like that, I do know one thing — just as someone who grew up where I grew up: If our schools have to close down for a long time because this corona thing gets out of control, millions of kids are going home to empty refrigerators.

The worse this pandemic gets, the worse it’s going to be for those kids.

Really think about that.

And also ask yourself this question: Have you ever been hungry before?

I mean really hungry? Not just, like, “Damn, bro, I gotta get on Grubhub right now” hungry.

No, I’m talking hungry.

Because here’s something that only those who’ve really struggled will ever know: Everything changes when you’re hungry. Everything, man. Your whole entire perspective changes.

I’ll tell you a true story. Any time I see a bowl of raisins? Mannnnnnnn. Listen. To this very day, if I see raisins, it’s like I get triggered. I mean it — if I saw a bowl of them on the table right now, I might go apeshit. I might damn near flip the table over. Can’t see ’em, bro. Can’t smell ’em. Makes me sick.

It’s because when I was growing up, we had too many nights where the only thing we had for dinner were those little red boxes of raisins. Nothing else, no lie. That was the main motherf---ing course. Man … you know that smell I’m talking about? The smell of that California Raisin-ass cardboard? You’d be sitting there thinking, “Alright, it’s only about 15 hours till I get to school tomorrow so I can get some fish sticks.”

And that was the reality for lots of kids before all this coronavirus stuff and all this economic pain, you know what I’m saying? That’s just life. Kids going hungry, that’s our normal, right?

If this crisis doesn’t wake us up and make us change as a country, I don’t know what will.

When the average person in Middle America thinks about this virus, and this “social distancing” talk and all that, maybe they picture a bunch of schools shutting down and then these kids going home to a bunch of nice houses and chilling for a couple months. Eating snacks, playing video games. Mom’s working from home, doing conference calls. And I’m glad that’s a reality for so many kids.

But for a lot of kids, for the other half of America, it’s not reality.

For them, home might not be the safest place.

Maybe there’s a reason these kids don’t go home until it’s time to sleep, you know what I’m saying? Maybe there’s a reason they stay out at the basketball court or at the Y until they lock the gates at night.

Might be violent in that household, you feel me?

If this situation gets out of control, and we have to keep everybody off the streets? That house they’re holed up in might start to feel more like a prison.

For a lot of kids, the truth is that school is the only structure they got. It’s the only food they can count on. It’s the only safety that’s guaranteed.

You take that all away? You better be prepared to protect them.

And that’s really the thing about this crisis that we’re living through right now. This moment we’re in … it’s not about you. It’s not about your spring break, or the way you wanna live your life. It’s like, yeah, trust me, bro — I wanna chill, too. I wanna work out at the gym, too. I wanna be on the court again, grooming these young bucks.

So hell yeah, I want my old life back, too.

But this ain’t about me. It ain’t about you.

This thing is about us.

This virus is going to affect everybody, especially the most vulnerable.

So if you got a nice, stable environment? Keep your ass home.

If you got a roof over your head? Keep your ass home.

If you got a crib with Netflix and a refrigerator full of food? Keep your ass home.

I can’t tell you what’s going to happen with the coronavirus. I’m not a public health expert. But I am a certified O.G., and I’m definitely qualified to tell you about what’s going to happen in these streets with so much of the economy shut down. If people don’t take this situation seriously and pull together as a nation, millions of kids are going to suffer.

They didn’t ask for this life. They got dealt this hand when they came out the womb. It’s our responsibility as a nation to protect these kids. You don’t have to be rich to do your part. You don’t have to be a saint, neither.

You know, I tell people all the time, I was raised on the wings of the O.G.’s.

If it wasn’t for other people reaching out their hand to me, I never would’ve made it out of my situation. I never would’ve lived my dreams. And listen, you didn’t have to be Mother Teresa to help a kid out, you know what I’m saying? You didn’t have to be working for the Red Cross to catch me on the corner where I wasn’t supposed to be, and hand me five dollars, like, “Take your ass to the store and get some food. You’re not supposed to be here.”

My O.G.’s did that for me. They looked out for me, even though I wasn’t their blood. True story — I never had a real NBA jersey growing up. My O.G. Buckwheat gave me one straight off his back. Literally took it off, handed it to me. For nothing.

You know whose jersey it was?

Alonzo Mourning.

Ain’t that crazy? Imagine telling Zo, “Couple years from now, this broke-ass kid from Liberty City is coming for your rebounding record, bro!!!!!!!”

And you know, Buckwheat … let’s just say he didn’t have a regular job. But he always made sure I was good. All around me, I had people like that. In the middle of the struggle, we had each other’s back. Sometimes people look at the inner city like it’s all crabs in a bucket, like it’s every man for himself, but that’s not the full picture.

We survived because there was always somebody willing to come pick you up at four o’clock in the morning, no questions asked. There was always somebody willing to give you the shirt off their back, or the basketball shoes off their feet, or the last five dollars in their pocket.

Can we really say we got that same feeling of solidarity right now, as a country?

I look around on social media, in the middle of this disaster, and I see a lot of people talking about “me,” you know what I’m saying?

My way of life. My vacation.

If we don’t start talking about us, then a lot of people are going to suffer.

You know how many kids would hit me up in my DMs every day, before all this went down, talking about, “Hey UD, you got a job for me? I know you own some Subways. I’m just trying to get some money for my family.”

Every day.

I’m no doctor, or no politician, or no public health expert. But I know one thing, man. We all got a responsibility to those kids.

So where my O.G.’s at? Who gonna step up for them? I got two ideas for you.

If you can afford to donate some money to support meals for the kids who really need it, help out the people at Feeding South Florida.

Every $1 provides about six meals for people who really need our help right now.

If you can’t? (And believe me, I understand if you can’t.) If you can’t, you can do something real simple. If you got a roof over your head and some food in your fridge and you don’t have to go to work to feed your family, just do the easiest thing in the world, man.

F--- your spring break.

Just keep your ass at home.

#UD #Miami Heat #Spring break #Miami #Liberty City #meals #Udonis Haslem #school meals #kids #awesome

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iwilldevourthebodies · 7 years ago

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Things people have said in my classes over the course of the 2016-2017 school year

“One of the biggest mistakes you can make as a military officer is try to invade Asia”

“Napoleon looks like he’s about to dab”

“Donkey!”

“No you have to do it in a Scottish accent. It’s Donkeh”

“Eric. Do you want carrots? Diced,,, carrots”

“How many couches do you have?”

“I don’t… I don’t want to talk about it”

“I think the cereal aisle is amazing. I do”

“I’m a hoe for Obama”

“So what you’re gonna make him turn into the next Bill Clinton?”

“Wow. The sass. Didn’t I say there was always one delinquent?”

“Is Neanderthalian a word?”

“It’s not a word, Sufana, don’t be an idiot”

“Can we just like… abolish death?”

“Let’s just take it and,,,, fling it into the sun”

“It’s not a race if I don’t care"

"I didn’t know what you were asking me”

“Yeah, but you acted like you did so confidently. ‘Yes! Sí, señora’

"You’re Muslim? I thought you were Indian”

“Guys, I’m gonna take a spaceship… and I’m gonna land it on the sun. And if it gets too hot I’m gonna take a parachute back to Earth”

“No, no, they’re too dumb to think like this”

“You’re crushing my heart. The more you go on the more I know I did something wrong”

“So let me get this straight. You quoted Hamilton at dinner. At your boyfriend’s house. In front of his parents. And he’s still your boyfriend?"

"You’re being a racism”

“Sometimes I turn my os and us into a single character. It’s because I’m efficient. /Not/ because I’m illiterate”

“It’s about personal growth! I like to challenge myself! It’s not because my brain’s broken!”

“It is the wagon void”

“Up until I was 5 I was a wanderer. I was raised by seagulls”

“Honestly I don’t ever try to be dumb. It just comes naturally”

“But we aren’t octopi, unfortunately”

“Wouldn't be a Monday morning if I wasn’t ruining his life”

“My dad works so he escapes the living hell that is my house”

“Was it fine?”

“Yeah, I got food”

“Is that a 7 or a live chicken?”

“I’m not from America, but I’m from the United States”

“Oh yeah I drove a go cart with a wheel made out of a Quaker Oats container”

“What do you mean you’re not fluent in Indian?”

“Well I wasn’t about to eat the tampon”

“If Satan Spoon starts talking to you let me know”

“Did he just say blame the gays on the mafia?”

“Dude we should test arsenic as a cure for Alzheimer’s”

“You dated him”

“Yes, well that was before I learned he was racist. And gay”

“Get off me I need to make a meme”

“I’m going to be that one awkward person who ends up sexually attracted to pianos”

“I don’t kms, I pms”

“Put that in your quotes I think it’s a good one”

“I really meant people conception. Misconception is gender exclusive”

“So what’s your point?”

“I don’t know”

“If your results end up to be true, like yes”

“Adolf Hitler becomes the chancellor of Germany”

“Wait who?”

“It’s a giant concrete chicken in Vietnam. Read the fucking caption”

“At least it won’t be Cold War part 2 because Trump’s in bed with Russia”

“Wow that is actually hot”

“Well it is fire”

“Well let it be the best stick it can be”

"I had an English muffin today. It just wasn’t the same"

“Doesn’t covering your head make it harder for God to hear you?”

“No that’s tinfoil, Michael”

“Publishificating is good”

“Out-publish Bill. Cause Bill is the devil”

“Why are cheeseburgers such sexist objects?”

“Illinois”

“Illin-wah”

“Wait I just drew the Canadian parliament building”

“He looks kinda like a mop and I like”

“I could never be a murderer it’s just so confusing”

“Alex stare at her chest not her butt. Will is already staring at her butt”

“Russia is Serbia’s sugar daddy”

“Did they convert to Muslim?”

“What other fairies do you know?”

“Twinkle toes! No wait. Tinker bell”

“Captain America is Wartime Propaganda”

“Yeah man that’s yogi bear! Wait what the hell?”

“What’s that brown potato?”

“That’s a squash”

“Bob Marley died and so should I”

“Melanoma’s a disease”

“That’s not a disease that’s a cancer”

“What was the turning point of WWI?”

“The Versace treaty!”

“Don’t put orange juice in your iPad”

“We’re making cubes and he’s talking about concentration camps”

“Where do you think the Paris peace conference happened?”

“Berlin”

“Anything’s a UFO if you try hard enough”

“Jesse what are you working on right now?”

“The ICarly theme song”

“Why are white people so extra?”

“Is it offensive to call Rasputin daddy?”

“Zoie can you stab me?”

“No, sorry, that’s a Friday activity”

“Are Israeli passports made out of couscous?”

“What’s that thing from BFG called..? Cumberbumber?”

“So my sister’s a Russian major..”

“Can you major in a country?”

“Mown, like freshly mown grass”

“You can tweet from dead people”

“Wealthy farmers have fists”

“So do other people”

“Hitler killed Hitler, so he can’t be that bad”

“Three billion fists died”

“Everything’s a sphero to me now”

“Hey kids wanna buy some zip-ties?”

“There will never be a time where both of you are in the boat.. /amphibious assault vehicle”

“Did you know Italians get 8 weeks of paid leave”

“You know what fuck Italians. Actually wait yeah let’s /fuck/ Italians”

“What’s worse than the Gulags?”

“Siberia”

“My favorite satellite station is Hitler and Stalin. Hitler played the bass, Stalin played the spoons.”

“Shit. I missed my ass”

“Are you gonna sue me?”

“No”

“Are you gonna sue my kids?"

"Yes”

“How are you a Jew and an atheist?”

“I’m a jewthiest”

“He deserves to be hugged. By an 18-wheeler speeding down the highway”

“My talent is…”

“Deepthroating a cinnamon stick”

“Does anyone know what the 21 game is?”

“Is that when you turn 21 and get to drink?”

“What’s next year’s musical?”

“Connor Gale: The Musical, starring Lisa Liubovich as Connor Gale”

“Somebody just compared Germany’s republic to the republic from Star Wars”

“The darkest blanket of Bill Nye”

“And her beauty was that of Medicare”

“Alright homework tonight, research vampires”

“Well I wasn’t gonna follow his mom’s twitter”

“28 lockers is inside your gastrointestinal tract”

“My dad hates Jews. Not actively though”

“That sounds like a cat choking out a hairball. Catholicism.”

“We’re catholic. And we’re not batshit insane”

“It’s not crack, Ms. Wright”

“Do they even know what vegetables smell like?”

“Why is there a cabbage in your backpack?”

“Hannah. Egg”

“Nothing’s fun when donald trump is president”

“What kind of gum is that?”

“Doritos”

“I’m better than Justin Bieber at guitar. I’m Kurt Cobain now”

“If George Washington tried to rap his dentures would fall out”

“Why did he come over here was I not Jewish enough?”

“Alright so we have bird images, and we have death images”

“You just fuckin stabbed me in the leg with a plank of wood”

“I have a velvet Jesus in my cupboard”

“Cow vigilantes?”

“There’s a meat ban”

“What did they ban?”

“Meat”

“I’m wrenching, bitch”

“What were they on?”

“Judaism”

“This kebab guy looks like wolverine”

“We have a common Jew”

“That’s like Hannah being gayphobic”

“According to my zodiac I’m light, hot, and wet”

“Haroon dropped his wood”

“I’m not racist I’m just ignorant”

“Why do people even harvest organs when they could harvest corn?”

“I’m not saying that cone heads is super high quality but let’s be real here”

“It is almost May don’t talk about snow or I’ll backhand you into the fucking sun”

“People are hanged, pictures are hung”

“People can be hung too”

“Jello monster incest”

“I just hit myself in the head with a boat”

“Dentists are people too”

“Really? I thought they were just a bunch of teeth stacked together in a lab coat”

“An interloper is someone who interlopes”

“Guys enough with the atomic bombs”

“I had weaponized the name quiz”

“Sin is a polygenic trait”

“Revenge is a dish best served under a tree”

“There’s Vaseline.. but it looks shady”

“Where’s the Cape? Is it in Maine?”

“The Soviet Union is cheese”

“Gets tetanus on boobs”

“Where’s that video of that woman aesthetically biting pickles into a microphone”

“I was too lazy to shave so my solution was socks”

“Anything is right if you can pull it off”

“Do Brooklyn have accents”

“Meme is my native language”

“When you smell me I don’t even feel uncomfortable anymore”

“That sounds like a great job. I’m gonna be a dick disector”

“My right pinkie is stronger”

“What if I just face slam on the keyboard, will my essay write itself then?”

“I wrote nyet instead of net on my paper. Figurative language dot nope.”

“Can I just remove both of my uteri?”

“Hannah you have one uterus”

“I’m dumb completely independently from the fact that I’m old”

“Why dinosaurs do not have the capacity to be fascist”

“Amanda and I are on team daddy”

“What are you talking about?”

“Hydra kink”

“My eyelashes are too short”

“Like your di- I mean, I’m fasting”

“Walmart brand eighth grader”

“Does anyone know who the daughter of Zeus is?”

“Hermione”

“Give your partner a hand-job from a million miles away for only $88 plus tax”

“The vase is thicc”

“Do you not recognize my supreme overlord?”

“Dr. Doofenshmirtz?”

“Stop sensually licking the mango”

“Triangular foot bath”

“I’d rather be peed on by a sheep than eaten alive”

“What’s the place where planes go?”

“Airports?”

“Oh yeah. I thought they were called plane stations”

“Did you say egg or dick?”

“They would give you a gallon of the white baby vomit and then you have to drink it”

“I have nightmares about Russian grammar”

“You could tell I was ignoring you, right?”

“I hear you talking about your grades in my sleep”

“Freshman salads”

“I wanna be a song… singer person”

“What do door locks keep out?”

“Your insecurities”

“I’ve never been attacked by a gang member”

“The gays worship the Babadook”

“I love Joe Biden, he’s so cute. I want a pocket Joe Biden”

“Surrogate sneezing”

“Golfing doesn’t require ankles”

“You guys all have boners but you don’t have any notecards you’re all useless”

#if y'all want the context behind any of these #message me #or send me an ask #idc if it's anon or not #but ye

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