#gonna stay with this job until at least December and then hopefully take a part time roll for a few months before looking for a proper

[oops-ibrokereality]

My usual not happy ramblings ahead btw (block #b's ramblings to avoid this sort of shit from me)

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Theres been some pretty intense deaths in work over the last week. And im just here feeling completely burnt out and feeling super guilty because it's also been the anniversary of all the shit that happened in my life 2 years ago. So im completely in my own head spiralling. But like the dude i sit next to is having a so much worse tome than me, but it's so similar to my situation that i can't help but get thrown back to all that. And it's not about me! But my brain doesn't care ! It's just here bringing up all the shit i thought i was over! And i just want to help everyone deal with their own situation, which is so so so so different but so so so similar to mine. So i offer help when they bring it up, but i don't want it to feel like im trying to drag my own shit into the lime light. But also, at the same time, im so so so tired rn. Im struggling so badly with my own stuff. And instead of trying to take it easy (which was my original plan), im trying to take as much work as i can off of my co-workers because 5 days of bereavement leave is not enough!!!!!

[acidh2otoby]

Mini Redfield, Part 1

Chris Redfield & OC!Son

This shit literally just popped into my brain a few nights ago and I'm just now working on it two days later.

Warnings: Mentions of underage stuff (doesn't make sense right now but I'll try to make it make sense 👍)

This story is the lore part so hopefully everything after this will just be whatever the hell I can think of.

1989, Chris was sixteen and his high school girlfriend was seventeen. She would constantly get Chris into all kinds of trouble, going to parties where there'd be underage drinking and possible sex, they always ended when the police would show up.

One of these parties ended up changing his life, for better or for worse he couldn't tell yet. He had accidentally gotten his girlfriend pregnant, their relationship became incredibly toxic and she hit him more than a couple times.

They eventually broke up but Chris would still occasionally ask how she was doing and checking on the baby, he figured she'd bail out on being a mother early on and would force Chris to take care of it, so he figured he'd preemptively be a good dad before the baby could even be held.

Chris would go to adults that he knew and that had kids to ask how to be a good parent, explaining why he asked and that he didn't wanna be terrible. The adults always gave him dirty looks but gave him instructions regardless.

Claire was happy to hear that she was gonna be an aunt, even though she was still young. She was hoping it was a girl so then the two could do cool girly things together, but she did admit that it would be kinda cool if it were a boy.

The baby's gender was never revealed prior, or at least Chris didn't know, until the birth. Chris was there for it, he wasn't aloud in but he got to hold his baby and sign the birth certificate, he even named it. She didn't sign anything nor made any attempt to actually be a mom, so Chris ended up being glued to the hospital until they let him go.

The baby ended up being a boy and Chris named his son Evan. Chris' mom had told him when he was little that she wanted to name him Evan but decided on Chris. Claire was happy to see her nephew when Chris got home, almost demanding to hold him.

Evan was born in December of 1989, Chris was seventeen by the time the birth happened. He didn't have much left of high school and ended up graduating early, he was basically a straight A student and the school was in his support. They gave him the final test in order to graduate and he passed, letting him focus on jobs and being a dad.

Chris lost contact official with his ex after graduating, she never reached out either so he didn't bother asking. Chris ended up training for military and moved him, Claire, and Evan to a small trailer park town almost literally right next to where his main base would be.

The trailer houses were okay, some better than others, but the one they lived in was very nice. They did get some benefits from living near the base since they got most of their stuff fixed almost immediately. There was a bad snow storm the first year of living there that cut out electricity in the park and nearby city, they got power back two days after and the city had to wait a week.

Then Chris joined S.T.A.R.S. and moved the three into an apartment in Raccoon City, Claire eventually left for college but Chris and Evan stayed. When S.T.A.R.S. became a thing, Evan was roughly six years old.

Something Chris asked for from Captain Albert Wesker from the very beginning was if Chris could bring Evan around when there wasn't any missions going on and that if he had to leave, he could. Wesker understood and let Chris do as he pleased.

Evan grew very fond and very close to S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team after that, the whole team loved him and considered him a S.T.A.R.S. junior. Evan was a little intimidated by Wesker but he rarely saw the Captain anyway, so it didn't necessarily matter.

When Chris left for the mission on July 24, 1998, it was already past Evan's bedtime and Chris figured he wouldn't be back until morning the next day. The earliest, dawn of July 25, just before Evan would get up.

He was definitely right about the times on getting back home, he entered his apartment around 7:42am to find Evan awake and sitting on the couch. Evan looked over at the door and saw Chris standing there tired and looking down.

"Dad!" Evan said excitedly as he got up and rushed to Chris, wanting nothing more than to hug his dad.

"Hey, no. Not right now, let me change and shower first." Chris said quickly, not wanting zombie blood on his son.

Evan nodded, he looked a little sad at his dad rejecting him but wasn't gonna throw a tantrum about it. Chris was honest in what he was doing but he also just took a moment in his room to try and process what happened last night and to brace himself in case Evan brings something up.

When Chris went back into the living room, Evan ran up to him again but hugged him this time. Chris picked Evan up and held him a little before walking to the couch and sitting down, seeing that Evan had found a kid's channel on TV.

"Dad?" Evan asked, pulling Chris from his thoughts. "Why do you look sad?"

Chris sighed, trying to find a way to explain what happened to a nine year old. "Um, that mission I was on was a really difficult one. I'm just tired, that's all." Chris explained, deciding to wait until later to tell Evan what actually happened.

Evan nodded before thinking of a way to make his dad feel better. "Can we go to the Police Station later today?" Evan asked, smiling.

Shit. Now Chris had to try and explain what happened. He sighed again, trying to find the right words. "Not today, um... The mission I was on... You remember some of my friends that worked with me?"

Evan nodded again, listening to what Chris had to say. "Well, a lot of them got really hurt, and some of them weren't themselves anymore."

"What do you mean?" Evan asked, he was confused by what Chris was saying.

"Some of my friends didn't come back from where we went." Chris finally said, hoping that would work.

"But what about you saying that you never leave your friends behind? Why did you leave them behind?" Evan asked, he began to grow worried.

"I had to. Look, I can explain it to you when you're older." Chris said, trying to dismiss the conversation.

"No! I wanna know! Why did you leave them behind?!" Evan yelled, he started getting frustrated.

"I had to choose between who I could save and who I had to leave behind. I tried to save as many of them as I could but sometimes things don't work out." Chris said, keeping his voice quiet.

"Then who did you save?" Evan asked, his voice became a little shaky.

"I saved Jill, Barry, and Rebecca. Brad was the one who took us away." Chris said, the guilt he felt already was starting to grow.

"What about Joseph? What about Richard? Enrico? What about Wesker?!" Evan yelled, overstepping a line he didn't know existed.

"Wesker killed all of them!" Chris yelled, snapping from the pressure.

The room fell silent. Chris was panting and trying not to cry, he needed to be strong for his son. Evan was shocked, he started silently crying as the realization hit him. Evan got up and ran to his room.

"Evan, wait..." Chris muttered, getting up.

Chris stopped in his tracks when he heard Evan scream into his pillow. He knew he couldn't fix it and he probably made the situation worse than it needed to be. Chris sat back down and let himself cry, he was having a hard time believing this was all real.

After some time went by, it was mid September. Chris had planned on going away for a bit, he told Evan that it was because he needed to find a new job and that he would test it out first before moving them in case the job wasn't enough. He told others it was a vacation.

What he really was doing was taking time away from everything to try and be better. Be a better dad, a better brother, a better friend, and just a better person in general. He wanted to take Evan with him but Evan had been giving him a hint of silent treatment since July, so Chris asked if Jill could watch over him until Chris got back.

Jill was fine with it since she was considered an aunt by now, and because she genuinely needed the company. It was now September 28th, 2:04pm, Evan was watching the TV as Jill was cooking lunch for the two of them. Evan hasn't really said much and has rarely smiled since his arrival, which has worried Jill since Evan is normally bubbly and sweet.

"Evan, food's ready." Jill said, placing a plate where Evan has decided to sit on her kitchen table.

"Okay." Evan replied, turning off the TV and going into the kitchen.

The two sat down and ate in silence, which felt weird for Jill since Evan always has something to say. Once they were done, Jill had told Evan to wait at the table while she put the dishes in the sink, making plans to do them later.

Jill sat back down at the table as Evan stared at his hands, fidgeting with his nails. "Is something wrong?" Jill asked, finally tired of the silent treatment.

Evan shrugged, giving no verbal answer. "Do you miss your dad?" Evan shrugged again. "Hey, you know you can talk to me, right?" Evan nodded. "What's going on, kiddo?"

Finally, Evan paused. He sighed before making eye contact with Jill. "My dad said that Wesker killed everyone in S.T.A.R.S. except you, him, Brad, Barry, and Rebecca. Is that true?" Evan asked, he had tears in his eyes the refused to fall.

"Oh, honey..." Jill muttered, getting up from her chair, she moved Evan's chair so it was facing out so she could kneel down in front of him. "I wish I could tell you it wasn't."

Evan finally let himself cry, covering his face in his hands as he bagan sobbing. Jill hugged him tight, gently petting his hair in hopes it'd make him feel a little better. Jill picked Evan up, moving him back to her bed, she laid down and let Evan rest on top of her, letting him cry his eyes out.

Jill sighed before she started humming the tune of You Are My Sunshine. Jill is the closest thing Evan has to a mother, and she wants to treat him as a son she may not ever have. Eventually, Evan fell asleep. Jill moved him so he was on the bed and turned the TV back on for background noise while she went back to her investigation.

[buckthegrump]

IBTHNTTTY - 7

Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Summary: Y/n hates Bucky Barnes. Absolutely loathes him what makes it worse is that she has to share her office with him. Now with a promotion on the horizon she has to find a way to work with him and not against him.

Word Count: 1237

Warnings: Angst (kind of), fluff,  wizard swears, a mild anxiety attack

A/n: y’all i got it and let’s just the next 3/4 parts are wild

The knowledge that the week was going to be a stressful one hit her bright and early Monday morning when she first walked in.

Natasha had called Y/n’s office phone with gossip. Typically Y/n was a sucker for gossip, but this particular piece gave Y/n anxiety.

“I don’t know if you’ve heard this or what’s happening, but,” Natasha said in place of a greeting, “I heard a rumor. And I want you to remember that this is just a rumor and could be false. But I heard that they’re going to post a job posting for a new proofreader.”

About three seconds after that reveal, Y/n hastily hung up the phone. If they were looking for a new proofreader, that meant one of two things. Number one, they were going to expand, and Y/n’s job was safe. Or, number two (the one that was the cause of the anxiety) there was going to be an opening for either her or Bucky’s jobs.

Then on Tuesday, she got an email signed by both Coulson and Maria saying they wanted a meeting on Friday. So all week she was stressed. The only part of the week that wasn’t bad was the date. Brock was surprisingly sweet for a guy that looked like he would’ve 100% bullied her in high school.

Friday came at an alarming rate. And as it turned out, Bucky had the same meeting with Y/n. This should’ve alleviated her nerves, but it only added to them.

“You need to breathe, they’re not going to fire you,” Bucky told her as they sat outside the conference room.

“I am breathing,” she lied. Her breathing was erratic, and she sounded a little like a dying car. “And you don’t know that, what if I did something so horrible that they’re just gonna boot me.”

“Have you done anything recently that would warrant termination?” Bucky asked calmly.

She glared at him. “If I knew I wouldn’t be freaking out, would I?”

“Y/n, Bucky,” Coulson called from the doorway. “Come on in.”

Y/n pulled herself together in record time and walked through the door. She and Bucky sat across from their bosses. Y/n could see Bucky flexing his left hand as if he were in pain, but this wasn’t the place to ask about it.

“Y/n, you can stop freaking out,” Maria told her, “you’re not losing your job.”

She could’ve let out a sob right then and there, she settled for sigh instead.

“We have a project for the two of you -” Coulson continued. The way that those two were in sync was a little creepy at times.

“We want you two to work together and do a mock-up for this manuscript,” Maria spoke. While Coulson put two manila envelopes on the table.

“You will have to work together, and should we like the finished product -” 

“The both of you will be promoted to editors,” after Maria spoke those words, Y/n was only half paying attention through the rest of the meeting.

Editor, that’s only what she’s been wanting for forever. And now she had to work with Bucky. Again. It’s almost like last weekend was a test for this, another test. How many tests were these two going to put her through?

Quit complaining, Y/n. You’re gonna be an editor.

“You have until December 20th to complete this task, and you are welcome to use whatever resources you need from the company,” Maria said.

* * *

After the meeting, they walked back to their office.

“So,” Bucky said once the door was closed behind them, “I think we should take this weekend to read the book and brainstorm our own ideas and then figure out which ones we like best on Monday.”

Y/n nodded. “Try not to only come up with dumb ideas.”

It was meant to come off as a joke, but she was still coming down from her anxiety high. So it was much harsher than she meant it to be. Or maybe it was the fact that they both had a job riding on this that forced them back into old habits.

“Oh, that’s rich coming from you when you’re the one who suggested a title for a book that was already being used by another author with us,” Bucky said.

“That was years ago, and it was the middle of the night!” Y/n yelled.

“Doesn’t matter. It was still a dumb idea!”

“Oh, and how is that any worse than your idea to send a prospective author things that she was allergic to. Every gift you suggested could’ve killed her or made her sick,” she sneered.

“Oh forgive me, for not realizing that she was allergic to everything under the sun and then some,” Bucky waved his arms dramatically.

Y/n recognized that it was a dumb fight. But falling into a familiar feeling of arguing with Bucky was welcome after the week she’d had.

“I am not missing out on this promotion because you can’t pull your head out of your ass for three minutes,” Y/n said.

“I can’t pull my head out of my ass? How would you know where my head is when you’re is stuck so far up your ass you could eat your own stomach?” 

“Oh ho, he’s got jokes! Too bad your editorial ideas aren’t as original as them!”

They were standing toe to toe, chests heaving, unwilling to break eye contact with one another. If this had been a normal day, that would’ve been the moment when Peter politely knocked on the door to ask one of them a question. And Y/n kept waiting for that to happen before she remembered that Peter had the day off.

Meaning one of them was going to have to break first. And it wasn’t going to be her. As the minutes passed, she lost some of the fire in her chest, and her body relaxed.

“Awe, sunflower, are you getting lost in my eyes?” Bucky had a smug grin on his face, and Y/n wanted nothing more than to smack it off. “I wonder how long you’ve had this burning desire for me.”

“In your dreams, Barnes.”

“But then you wouldn’t get the full Bucky Barnes experience,” his grin widened.

“Careful, you’re toeing a very dangerous HR line.”

The good ol’ HR threat. A threat that they had both used countless times after an argument had possibly gotten out of hand. Neither of them had actually written a complaint, though. It hadn’t been used in a while, though, once again because Peter usually interrupted before it’d gotten that far.

Y/n hoped that they could convince him to stay, or at least she could. She would have to look into having him as her assistant when she became an editor. Hopefully, Bucky wouldn’t also ask him, but she wouldn’t let Bucky win that fight. And if they couldn’t get the kid to stay, she wasn’t sure how they would replace him.

Just as Y/n opened her mouth to say something else, a knock came at the door.

“Hey, Y/n? Are we still going for drinks?” Natasha’s voice was muffled by the door.

“Yeah,” Y/n called back, still not looking away from Bucky. “Just let me grab my coat.”

There was a brief pause before Y/n turned away and grabbed her things.

[wherevermyway]

be your confessional (1/?) // minbin // 18+

chapter one: cherry-flavoured nicotine series navigation: [desktop] [mobile]

⚠ POTENTIAL TW: READ WITH CAUTION! ⚠ pairing: lee minho x seo changbin rating: explicit! 18+ warnings/tags: obsessive compulsive disorder, cults, religious guilt, internalized homophobia, past sexual assault, cheating, smoking, tattoos.  word count: 4,032 also on AO3

originally posted: 27 december 2020

It's been ten years since Changbin left the cult he was born into. He's been desperately trying to become a normal member of society, but sometimes it proves to be difficult. He has a normal office job, a normal roommate, and a normal life. At least he was trying.

this fic sounds a lot darker than it is. most of the dark things happened in the past and is briefly discussed/observed.

disclaimer: this is a work of fiction! any reference to persons in this work of fiction are purely coincidental. the characters referenced from Stray Kids are  interpretations loosely based on their personalities in the group and do  not represent the real people behind the personas. if this, or any of  the content included in the warnings above make you uncomfortable,  please stop reading now.

“Would you stay still? The Mark is going to come out imperfect if you keep moving.”

The voice felt like nails on a chalkboard, making Changbin nauseated just hearing it. He couldn’t help but twitch as the tattoo machine etched black lines into his skin, black ink and blood blending as the tattooist wiped at his chest.

To most sixteen-year-olds, getting a tattoo so early was a sign of rebelliousness, something to be envied by others. To Changbin, however, this was not a tattoo he would wear with pride. The X, surrounded by four triangles and enclosed in a circle, was something he felt shameful over.

“The X means you are nothing. You must follow the four principles: morality, service, responsibility, and submission to be whole, much like the circle. That is The Mark.”

The words hurt more than the tattoo being carved into his sternum. Everyone in their fellowship was forced to get The Mark at sixteen, if born into it, or when they were deemed worthy after joining.

Changbin didn’t want this. He didn’t want to be marked with a brand that rendered him unworthy, as nothing more than a pawn to some bullshit deity that some power-hungry man came up with fifty years ago. He loved his parents, he truly did, but he never understood why they fell for the words that The Leader spat out every week. The Leader wasn’t even charismatic; perhaps his parents were just vulnerable and stupid.

It didn’t matter.

“Wear your Mark with pride, Son,” The Leader whispered in his ear, continuing to dig his nails into Changbin’s wrists. “You are one with The Universe, one with Us, one with Me. Together, we are one in responsibility.”

“One in morality,” the tattooist nodded.

“One in service,” his father continued.

There was a pause as Changbin tried to choke back tears. He knew he had to complete the oath, but the lump in his throat and the burning of the skin on his chest made it difficult. The Leader cleared his throat, digging his nails into Changbin’s skin further, until he cried out and shook his head. “One in submission!”

One in submission.

Fuck submission.

Changbin nearly fell off of his bed as he thrashed awake. He was unable to make sense of his surroundings, trying to calm his rapid breathing and focus his eyes on something, on anything. He hated this nightmare; it haunted him for years, and they were increasing in frequency again.

It was irrational, but he needed to make sure. Changbin kicked his sheets off of him, untangling his legs from the prison his sheets tried to trap him in. As he made his way to his feet, he tore off his shirt, haphazardly throwing it somewhere across his room.

He needed to make sure.

Moving towards the washroom was mechanical, automatic. He did this so many times, waking up in the middle of the night to run off and check his skin. It was 37 steps from his bed to the sink. 37 steps to security.

Step 35: collide with the door.

Step 36: turn the light on.

Step 37: stare at the tired reflection in the mirror.

A wave of relief washed over Changbin as he stared at the dark raven that sprawled across his chest, wings touching the tips of his shoulders and the open beak pointed up towards his left shoulder. It held a deep meaning to him, but it was more important that it completely covered up that stupid fucking mark.

It hid away the years of guilt and shame, the obsession and compulsion that came along with conforming to each intricate, demanding rule that the cult ordered. The years of pain would never be totally washed away, but it was getting easier with each passing day.

“Hey,” a tired voice from the doorway startled Changbin, causing an electric jolt to course through his body. He turned his head over his shoulder and stared, blinking a few times to make sure it was really his roommate, Jisung, standing there.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” he sleepily mumbled, nervously rubbing the tip of his shoulder with his thumb as he nibbled on his lip ring.

Jisung leaned up against the door, running his fingers through his vivid red hair. “You didn’t. I was already awake. Besides, it’s almost 5:30, so I figured I’d just get up and deal with the day.” They stared at each other for a moment, before Changbin turned back to look at his reflection in the mirror.

“You ever think it’s gonna stop, the nightmares?”

“Dunno,” the redhead shrugged as he met Changbin’s eyes in the mirror. “It’s been awhile since you woke up like this, though. You gonna be okay when it comes up?”

It hadn’t been long since he woke up like this, it had just been a while since Jisung woke up to Changbin acting on his compulsion. The black-haired man sighed, biting at his lip as he ran his eyes over his skin. “I’ll get over it. Hopefully he gets what he deserves.”

Jisung took a step forward, softly gripping Changbin’s shoulder and smiling at him in the mirror. “I know you will, but don’t be afraid to lean on me, dude. I’ll be here to help you through it, I promise.”

“Thanks, man,” Changbin smiled back, then looked down to his hands, staring at the hangnails and scabs that had littered his fingers. He wanted nothing more than to tear into his skin and tear away the imperfections that he had created during one of his episodes. The momentary lapses in rationality, where he would ferociously tear his nails apart, rip off hangnails, the lapses were the only thing that made the intrusive thoughts stop.

“You wanna hit the gym early? I know you’re not gonna go back to sleep any time soon, so might as well be productive with our time.”

“Yeah,” Changbin sighed, looking at himself in the mirror one more time before he turned the light off. “Might as well.”

Ten days until the hearing.

“Good morning!”

Fuck. Changbin tried to stealthily roll his eyes as he walked into the office. He hated the paralegal, Lee Minho. Minho was everything Changbin was not: nice, loveable, innocent, and a good church boy who was pure. Everyone loved Minho, because he was safe, an easy pill to swallow. Changbin was not an easy pill to swallow; he was covered in tattoos, ears decorated with jewellery, hard around the edges, and abrasive to most people.

“Yeah,” Changbin grunted, trying to avoid saying much else as he made his way to his office. It was too early to deal with someone so chipper, not without copious amounts of caffeine.

“Wait!” Minho called after him, and Changbin didn’t bother to hide his disgust as he stopped. He heard the shuffling of papers, and then Minho was suddenly by his side. “Mr. Bang is away from the office today, and he told me to pass off some of the Dawson v. Doebring case off to you.”

“Walk and talk, then,” Changbin didn’t bother waiting for Minho to follow him. “If Chan’s out, that means we’re busy today.” There was an itch under his skin as he lost count of the steps from the front door to his office, and it made him tense.

There was a bit of a squeak that came from Minho as he followed Changbin to his office. “I’ve got your back, Mr. Seo.”

Changbin couldn’t hold back a groan as he stopped dead in his tracks. He hated when people addressed him by his last name. “Stop calling me that,” he took a step closer, getting into Minho’s face. “I keep telling you, only address me as Changbin.”

“But,” Minho started, nervously backtracking his words incoherently.

He looked at Minho with a pleading gaze, trying to not seem vulnerable. Part of him wanted to tear into Minho because they did this every week, but the pitiful look that Minho had painted on his face made Changbin feel like a horrible person. It felt like he was yelling at a child for something stupid and only out of frustration. “Please, just… don’t call me by my last name.”

Minho nodded his head and bit his lip.

“Thank you,” Changbin sighed, turning on his heel and beelining towards his office.

“Sorry, Changbin,” Minho said, curling into himself a bit as he trailed Changbin.

The younger man shrugged as he sat down at his desk. “Don’t worry about it, Minho. Just…” he let his voice trail off as he looked down at his stacks of paperwork. There was a lot to do before he was going to be absent for several days due to the hearing.

“Don’t pretend like you didn’t hear me. The leader deserves to die a slow, and painful death. Fuck this goddamned cult!”

That had earned Changbin a slap across the face from his father.

“Blasphemy is a sin, Changbin.” Despite being furious, his father’s voice was exhausted. He tiredly grabbed a black book off of the table and passed it to the young man. “You should be grateful that The Leader accepted you back into his embrace after the stunt you pulled.”

Changbin shook his head, grabbing the book his father offered and tossed it across the room, colliding against the vase on the dining table. “He should be fucking grateful I didn’t take this to the cops.”

Another slap to the face.

The younger man licked his teeth and shot an icy glare towards his father. “You know this isn’t right. You’re really going to side with that fucking monster over your own son?”

There was a painful silence that lingered in the air as they stared down one another, until his father broke the tension. He didn’t look like he wanted to say the words he had been thinking, but he repeated them anyways, his voice empty and distant.

“One in responsibility, one in morality, one in service, one in submission.”

Changbin didn’t bother. He scoffed as he took a step back, shaking his head in disbelief. “You’re as much of a monster as him, you know?” His mother sat on the couch, curled up into herself as she stared off in a dissociative trance, trying to remove herself from the situation. “You’re going to actively defend and dismiss the things your beloved leader has done to me? Did you forget that I’m your fucking son?”

There should have been a slap, but Changbin’s father just looked down. His expression was hard to read. There was a look of shame and a look of remorse, but his eyes were dead.

“Get out of my house.”

Changbin’s mother lifted her head, opening her mouth to say something, but nothing came to fruition.

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” Changbin shook his head. “I’m not living with someone that doesn’t stand up against their son being abused and assaulted for years by some fucking psychopath that thinks he’s a god.”

“Come back here!” His father demanded, but Changbin was having none of it.

He turned on his heel and tried to remain composed as tears rolled down his face. “You’re both dead to me. I hope that, when this whole fucking cult gets torn apart, you both come down with it all.”

It had been ten years since he had seen his parents last, and he would be seeing them again in ten days.

“You’re making your fingers bleed,” Minho’s voice pulled Changbin back from the depths of his memories. “Are you okay, Changbin?”

No, I’m not okay. Never have been.

“It’s fine,” he grumbled, grabbing a tissue from the box on his desk. “Sometimes happens when I think too hard.” Ten days. He was still partially lost in the abyss of the past, and he was afraid he’d never fully shake the vise grip that the cult had around him.

Minho frowned, setting his notepad and pen down on the desk in front of him. “Can I ask you something kinda personal?”

No. I don’t want you to know anything about me.

“What is it?” He blotted the tissue around his fingernails until the blood was mostly gone, then dropped the tissue in the bin.

The older man brushed his brown hair away from his eyes, and sat forward. “Is law school really worth it? How did you know it was right for you? Like, I see you and Mr. Bang spend months over these cases and part of me is interested in applying, but...”

Fix the imperfections.

Changbin stood up, trying to fight the urge to pick at his fingers. “Can this wait a minute? I need to go wash my hands off.”

Minho nodded his head once. “Sure, sure. I’ll finish making notes on this file.”

127 steps from his desk to the washroom. He counted every step mentally as he walked. Anything to keep his thoughts away from tearing the flesh next to his fingernails off in nervousness, not until he was alone.

Step 126: open the door.

Step 127: scan the room.

It was an additional three steps to the third sink. Three was a good number.

Changbin ran the water a bit too cold for comfort as he stuck his hands under the faucet, ravenously tearing at his hangnails, pulling them off and turning the porcelain of the sink a shade of pink for a split second. The blood would drip down, then rapidly desaturate and dissolve into the water.

Fix the imperfections.

He hated these thoughts. Sure, the medications he had been on helped, and the therapy appointments he sometimes went to had helped him with better coping mechanisms, but this was the only thing that made sense to him, that actually felt like there was a payoff of serotonin. Changbin didn’t tear into his skin because he liked it — it hurt, actually, and it was incredibly uncomfortable — but because his brain told him he had no other choice.

“Obsessive-compulsive disorder isn’t uncommon in cases like yours,” his therapist told him. “Children develop coping mechanisms like skin picking or excessive handwashing amongst other things to gain control in their lives when things don’t make sense and they don’t have a way to express that in a healthy manner. Anxiety disorders are common: obsessive-compulsive disorder, alcohol and/or drug use and abuse, eating disorders…”

“Fuck that goddamned cult,” Changbin whispered under his breath, his voice laden with venom. “Fuck that man, fuck my parents. Fuck all of them.”

He let the water wash over his hands until his hands started to shake from the cold. Anything to numb the pain.

“You look pale,” Minho had, again, given Changbin an unwanted statement, and the younger man gritted his teeth as he bit his tongue.

Fuck you, too, you prudish brat.

“How’s the case review?” He deliberately ignored the concern Minho had as he sat at his desk, clasping his hands together and resting his chin against his fingers.

Minho batted his eyelashes a few times, giving Changbin a look of worry. “The case review is fine, but I don’t know if we’re going to have this ready by the end of the week.”

“Guess we’ll have to work harder.”

The men sat in silence for hours, poring over their evidence for the case. When Changbin could fully immerse himself in a case like this, it dampened the intrusive thoughts in his head. He felt somewhat normal for a little while, and it was a welcomed change.

“It’s half past two, Changbin,” Minho whined, looking up from his paperwork. “Can we take a break for now?”

It took a moment for Changbin to pull himself away from the paragraph he was on, taking a highlighter to some of the words. “I assume you want to get something for lunch, right?” He didn’t bother looking away from the document, because he didn’t want to look at Minho’s sad eyes.

“That’d be nice, yeah.”

“Then go,” Changbin shrugged.

“You should eat something, too.” Minho leaned in on the desk, trying to get into Changbin’s line of sight. “Maybe take a break from all of this.”

“Fine,” Changbin sighed, grabbing his glasses off of his desk and adjusting them on his face. “Chan said I should be nicer to you, anyways. How about that French place down the street?”

Minho’s smile was soft, genuine. “That sounds perfect.”

Changbin hated the fact that Minho was so nice. It felt fake and unwarranted. He saw a lot of his younger self in the way that Minho acted: fake kindness, putting others before himself, a general sense of being lost. He knew that the other man was deeply wrapped up in some sort of religion that took up all of his time outside of work.

It wasn’t obvious until Changbin watched the way he talked about his fiancée. It felt like she was a prop or a chore: just another thing for Minho to deal with.

“Hey, congrats, man!” Seungmin, the other new paralegal, had excitedly shouted one day a few weeks prior. “Finally settling down like a real adult, huh?”

Changbin poked his head out of his office door, ready to scold the paralegals for being so loud, but the look on Minho’s face distracted him. For someone being congratulated, he looked incredibly uncomfortable.

“Yeah,” he had meekly said, sinking into his shoulders a bit as he darted his eyes around. “She’s great. My parents have been pushing me to bite the bullet for months now, and this weekend seemed like it felt right.”

Doesn’t look like it feels right.

Changbin stood in his doorway, observing the two of them chatter back and forth, watching the discomfort on Minho’s face every time Seungmin asked him questions about his fiancée. It was like he was trying to talk with a wedge of lemon in his mouth: constantly scowling and wincing.

“We’re gonna get married in a few months,” Minho said with a sigh. “Her parents want a winter wedding, and my parents just want me to get married.”

Seungmin shifted his weight to the other foot. “Dude,” he folded his arms, his tone turning more serious. “You sure about this?”

Minho shrugged. “Yeah. It’s what I’ve gotta do. Nobody else in my community waits this long to get married and start a family.”

Community.

Changbin tried to stifle a scoff with a fake cough when the two men noticed him standing there. “Sorry, I wanted to offer congratulations. I was also looking for the corporate notes for the Smith v. ParaCorp case, Minho.”

“Oh,” Minho nodded, his face flushing as he scrambled around his desk. “Yeah, I’ve got them somewhere, sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Changbin shook his head and turned to walk back to his office. “Just have them on my desk in a couple of hours.”

As much as Minho annoyed him, Changbin felt somewhat bad for him. He didn’t know the specifics of what all Minho was involved in, but it sounded deep-rooted and like he was stuck. Chan told him to try and be nicer to his paralegal, but sometimes annoyance won out over niceness, but he was at least trying.

Somewhat.

“So,” Changbin dug into his jacket and pulled out his vape cartridge as soon as he and Minho were outside, “how’s the wedding prep going?” He eyed Minho out of the corner of his eye as he inhaled, the cherry-flavoured nicotine cloud leaving his lips a moment later.

It was a rude question to ask, given the circumstances, but he wanted to try and confirm a theory that was burning in the back of his head, under the guise of caring about Minho’s personal life.

A theory that was slowly unravelling to be truth. Minho shrunk a bit, kicking a stray rock down the sidewalk as they walked. “It’s,” he paused, tucking his hands into his pockets, “I guess it’s going? Maria and her family are working on most of it.”

Go figure.

“You don’t seem very excited for a man that’s about to get married.”

They walked in silence for a bit. 40 steps from the entrance to the curb. The stoplight ahead of them was red, and cars rushed past them as the air lingering between them went stagnant.

“I’m not excited about it.” Minho’s voice was quiet, almost too quiet for Changbin to pick up on. “Not at all, actually.”

The younger man took another pull from his vape, then rolled his tongue over the stud in his lip. He should have pretended like he didn’t hear Minho, but curiosity always got the better of him. “Wanna talk about it? Sworn to client confidentiality.”

Minho scoffed, anxiously tapping the toe of his shoe against the ground. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t love her, do you?” The light turned green, the orange hand turning into a white stick figure, but neither of them moved.

The older man looked up, his eyes glistening a bit as they stared forward. Some stranger walked past them and flipped them off, but neither of them paid the stranger any mind. “Are you actually supposed to love someone you marry, or is that some sort of fairytale? All of my friends are married and secretly miserable.”

“Dunno,” Changbin sighed, sticking his hands into his pocket as he stared at the light turn into a flashing hand. “Never been married. Never planned on it.”

“Why are you asking me this, anyways?” Minho turned to look at Changbin, a disgruntled look on his face.

“Why did you answer me?” Changbin tilted his head a bit to the side, looking at Minho with indifference. “I figured you wouldn’t say anything if you didn’t really want to talk about it. To answer your question, though, it’s been bothering me since you announced your engagement. You looked uncomfortable when Seungmin brought it up.”

Minho didn’t answer Changbin, instead taking a hasty step forward as soon as the light flashed back to a white stick figure.

“Wait, Minho!” Changbin reached out, practically ripping Minho’s sleeve off of him as he pulled him back from the road right as a car ran a red light, nearly running into Minho. The force of the pull knocked them onto the sidewalk, causing Changbin to land hard against the ground, barely missing his head colliding into the concrete.

Minho awkwardly laid on top of Changbin, staring down at him with terrified eyes. He grabbed the sides of Changbin’s neck and panicked. “Oh my goodness,” he whined, “Changbin, are you okay?”

He’s cute from this angle. Fear looks good on him.

“I’ll be fine,” Changbin says, unsure of where to place his hands. He’d never been this close to another man his age. It never hit him before, but Minho was good looking. Had he not been the pure, innocent church boy type, he would have been Changbin’s type. Minho, however, was innocent and literally planning a wedding that was coming up in a few months.

“Changbin,” Minho whispered, his cheeks turning a shade of crimson. There was a strange tension between them, like the air around them was full of electricity and they were being pulled together. Minho dug his fingernails into Changbin’s neck, slowly bringing his head in closer.

Don’t kiss the church boy.

He knew where his hands needed to be. Changbin brought his hands up to Minho’s head without even thinking twice, pushing aside the intrusive thoughts running through his head. The warmth of the older man was intoxicating as he brought their lips together.

Minho responded in kind, pushing a bit further into the kiss. They were getting strange stares, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but the euphoric energy that danced around them as they kissed. He pulled away, then pressed his lips to the older man’s three times in total.

Stop kissing the engaged church boy.

Maybe he would make it six times.

Don’t kiss the engaged church boy who is probably heavily traumatized.

Nine times. Three times three for good measure.

Changbin had just literally fallen for the church boy, but he felt like he was potentially metaphorically falling for him now. Fuck the intrusive thoughts.

[random-mha-thoughts]

Miss Missing You (Life Update)

Ahem yes that’s the title of this post

Boy am I tired and exhausted being awake since 5 am on 5 hours of sleep

Hello~🥰 all my lovelies who are still awake and chugging along out in this world that’s slowly descending into the depths of hell (it’s ok guys, just a little more than 3 months and it’ll be over...hopefully).  I hope you’ve all been well, taking care of yourselves, drinking lots of water, and reminding yourself how amazing and wonderful you are and why you deserve to wake up every morning.  And if you started school again, stay safe and good luck, I know you can do it, push through this

Before I say anything, I wanna say hi and welcome to the - holy crap - 300 more followers I’ve gotten since I started being inactive.  I have no idea how you found this blog since it’s been radio silence, but thank you~ Enjoy your stay~

Also just a casual shout out to @mister-future for the reblog spam a few days ago, thank you so much dear 😘

Aaaaand I’m plugging a few events from my Discord server, POC Week that just wrapped up and a new Fantasy Week event where they’re still looking for a few writers to join in, so go check those out if you’re interested~ Sadly I won’t be participating, but I give all my love and support for both so please show them some love too.

Now you’re probably wondering or not “Chibi, where have you been?!  It’s been nearly a month!  You promised us Kiss of Death part 2!”

Well...see... the thing is... I don’t think I’ll be writing part 2... Hold the rotten tomatoes, let me finish!

Some of you might’ve seen from one of the last tag posts I did, but I never really made a formal announcement for this and I was meaning to do one early a month ago but life caught up to me and here we are.  It’s not that big of a deal or anything, I’m not dying, I’m not moving, nothing like that.  What I’m trying to say is in August I started PA school, which is basically about 70% of med school crammed into 2 years.  Nonstop, no long breaks, even taking classes during summer.  And as you can imagine, it’s a lot of work.  Many times, my schedule has me up at 5 am, class at 7 until 3, I come home, study, eat, study, shower, wind down for 30 min or so and then sleep.  On average, I sleep for ~6 hours a night and the entire rest of my day I’m studying.  My only break days are Friday and Saturday, and Sunday I have to play catch up from the week and review/study.  I have at least 1-2 exams every single week.

What I’m trying to say is it’s a lot, it’s a commitment I decided to take where I trade my social life and maybe my mental stability for 2 years and get a hopefully secure medical job with a nice salary and never have to go to school again.  I thought I’d have time at least on the weekends to write as a mental break, but most of my Saturdays are spent taking half-day long naps.  I didn’t anticipate that the mental and physical toll it would take on me would be this much.  Today I was lucky to have class finish early and I finished my allotted studying early enough for me to make up for my lost sleep (I’m tired right now, can’t you tell how by how much I’m rambling? lol), but I told myself, “If you don’t write this now, you’re never gonna get to it again.”  So here I am~ Running on fumes and almost falling asleep at my keyboard because I know I owe you an explanation.

Point is, writing isn’t really in my agenda right now.  It can’t fit in my irregular, constantly-changing-yet-consistently-stressful PA school schedule.  I wish I had the energy to pull myself together and give you guys something once a week, but my body and my mind can’t do it, and for that I’m truly sorry.  I really miss this blog and writing and all of you, but I have priorities that go above it for now.

Am I saying you won’t be seeing anything of me until December?  It’s a very likely possibility.  I’m crossing my fingers that I can put out something, even a little thing sometime in between, but for now I think it’s safe to say I’m out of commission until December.  I really hope you guys understand 🙏🏼

I love you all so much, thank you for sticking with me through the long update/announcement.  Please stay safe and healthy, remember that you’re loved and you deserve the whole world, and there is no one else who can replace you 💖

~Chibi

[worldoffae]

My Small Joy - Rowaelin AU

A/N: Here’s chapter 2! This chapter is a bit shorter than the first. But be rest assured that the next chapter will more than make up for it in length! This was one of those chapters needed to further the story. There will be a lot of time jumping forward from this point forward. I hope you enjoy!

Story Rating: Explicit 

Summary: Six months ago Aelin got the worst news of her life. She would never be able to get pregnant, to give birth to a baby that she so desperately wanted. Deciding that Aelin needs some fun in her life, Lysandra takes her out to a club where she meets the silver haired man of her dreams. A one-night stand takes a turn when 6 weeks later Aelin finds out she’s pregnant! Her world is turned upside down when she runs into him again at a coffee shop. Aelin tells him the truth and this handsome stranger tells her he wants to raise their baby together and she agrees.

Masterlist

Chapter 2: (This chapter has brief mention of sex)

“So you’re like, 100 percent sure that you’re pregnant?” Lysandra asked from where she stood at Aelin’s kitchen counter, drinking deeply from the glass of wine she had just poured for herself.

Aelin gritted her teeth. “I’ve taken like seven different tests seven different times Lysandra. They all tell me that I am but I still feel like I’m going crazy, so you tell me.”

Aelin flopped back on her couch, tossing her arm across her face.

Six weeks ago she had had the best sex of her life. Absolutely mind-blowing sex that had made her legs shake with the force of her orgasm. Sex with and amazing stranger with muscles fit for a Greek god that had supplied many memories that had her hands between her legs and her head thrown back late at night.

Things had been so great up until this point that she hadn’t seen it coming. Of course there was no way she could stay that happy without anything bad happening. 

To be fair, she had yet to decide if this was bad or not. On one hand, she had been told that she would never have a baby and now she was pregnant when she thought she would never have that. But on the other hand, she was suddenly pregnant and by herself. She knew that Lysandra and Aedion would always be there for her, but it wasn’t the same as being with your partner. She had imagined doing this with Sam on more than one occasion and the thought of going through this without him…

The biggest reason was one Aelin didn’t want to admit to herself just yet: that she wanted this baby more than anything, even if she did have to do it alone, and that she was terrified that this was a fluke and she would lose this thing she wanted so bad before it even had a chance to begin.

“Well, this is good news then, isn’t it?” Lysandra asked. She had walked over and moved Aelin’s feet out of the way to sit down. “You were so devastated when the doctors told you that you wouldn’t be able to have a baby.”

“I know, but I’m so fucking scared Lys.” Aelin’s voice broke as tears threatened to fall. She took a deep, steadying breath and sat up. “What if this is just a fluke? That I did somehow manage to get pregnant but I end up losing the baby?” 

The tears flowed freely now despite Aelin’s best efforts to wipe them away. Lysandra set her wine glass on the table and took Aelin’s hands in her own.

“Hey, hey,” she soothed, squeezing Aelin’s hands. “It’s okay to be excited. No matter the outcome, this is an amazing thing, Aelin. And Aedion and I will be here for you every step of the way.” A smile graced Lysandra’s lips. “You know, when you told us I thought Aedion was going to freak the fuck out. After we left, he cried in the car saying how happy he was for you.”

Aelin sobbed harder.

“We’re both here for you. There’s no getting rid of us,” Lysandra said, laughter in her voice. She raised Aelin’s face and wiped away her tears. 

“Ugh,” Aelin sniffled. She pulled her best friend into a hug. “How did I get so lucky to have you two idiots in my life?”

Lysandra threw her head back in laughter and Aelin couldn’t help but laugh too.

All Aelin wanted was a cup of coffee. Unfortunately, she could only drink decaf and that wasn’t cutting it. She had one more class to do a final for before she was done with the semester and officially done with school. And then working on the mountains of applications she had to hopefully work her dream job. But for now, she just needed a cup of coffee. Hopefully it would at least make her think she had caffeine in her system.

New York this time of year was packed more than usual. It was mid-december and it seemed everybody was wanting something to warm them up. The line to her favorite coffee shop was to the door and she had to squeeze her way in. She let her eyes roam around the small space in hopes of finding a spot to sit. 

Her search came to an abrupt stop as they landed on a muscular figure with silver hair standing in line. Aelin felt her breath catch as her heartbeat sped up. There was no way he was here. In her little hole in the wall coffee shop. But sure enough, there he was, smile on his face as he laughed at something his curly haired companion said. She never thought she would see him again.

Before she realized what she was doing, Aelin had moved from her spot in line and was right next to him, hand reaching out to tap his shoulder lightly. Rowan turned around, his eyes widening in surprise.

“Aelin?”

“Hey,” was all she could think of to say as her head emptied out. Wait, what was she doing? What was she going to say to him? Hey, I know we don’t actually know each other and had a one-night-stand 6 weeks ago, but I’m totally pregnant so surprise, you’re gonna be a dad?

Recognition lit in Rowan’s companion’s eyes and a wicked smile formed on his lips. “I’ll give you two some time. See you back at the office, Rowan.” He started walking towards the door, waving a hand in the air. “And don’t forget my coffee!”

Rowan scoffed as he watched the door shut behind his friend. He turned that beautiful gaze of his on her, a slight blush gracing his cheeks as he offered her a small smile. “I wasn’t expecting to ever run into you again. How have you been?”

Aelin managed to choke out a laugh. “Um, I’ve been good. Well, I was doing great and then…” she trailed off, not knowing how to continue that sentence. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been pretty good.” His eyes searched her face for a second before he continued, “I’m actually glad I ran into you. I-”

“I’m pregnant,” Aelin blurted. She watched as he blinked a couple of times. She slid her hands into her jacket pocket to try and hide their shaking. She looked down at the ground, a shaky laugh escaping her. “Oh shit, that was awkward. Um,” she stammered, removing her hand from her pocket to rub at her neck. “Forget I ever said anything. I should probably get going.”

She turned to leave, feeling like an idiot for dropping that bomb on him so suddenly, and stopped mid-turn when he gently grasped her elbow. Aelin slowly turned back towards him and continued staring at the ground instead of him.

“Do you want some coffee?” 

The question threw her off guard and her eyes snapped up to his face. She found him watching her, a gentle expression on his face. He inclined his head to the counter where they were next in line. “My treat,” he said.

Aelin opened and closed her mouth, feeling like a fish out of water, before she clamped it shut and nodded. They stepped up to the counter and took their order before moving off to the side to wait. They were both quiet as they stood side-by-side, their arms brushing.

She kept glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. How was he so calm? She’d been freaking out since she saw that positive. Why had he not said anything?

After what felt like hours, the barista finally called Rowan’s name and he took both their drinks from him and handed Aelin hers. He nodded towards the door, a silent invitation to follow him as he headed for it. 

They walked through the cold for a little while before coming to a quieter spot near some trees. Rowan sat down on the bench and Aelin followed suit.

“Please say something”, Aelin finally said. “If you keep staying that quiet I’m going to go crazy.”

Rowan chuckled, bringing his coffee to his lips. He took a sip before asking, “When did you find out?”

She turned her body towards him. “A couple of days ago.”

Rowan nodded. “So, I guess the condom was useless.”

A smile tugged at the corner of her lip at his joke.  A beat of silence followed before she said, “I understand if you’re freaking out. I honestly didn’t think I was ever going to see you again so I didn’t think out what I should say to you if I ever did, so I know I did this all wrong. You don’t have to be involved at all and-”

“I’m going to cut you off right there,” Rowan chuckled, the deep rumble vibrating through her bones. “You look incredibly nervous so let me help you.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, coffee cup dangling in his hands, and looked her in the eye. 

It took everything in her being to hold his gaze and not look down at his lips. Serious conversation time. Right. 

Rowan continued, seemingly oblivious to her roaming mind, “I will go with whatever you decide you want to do. Ultimately this is your decision as you’re the one having to carry this baby. But I will say that if you decide you want to keep it, I would be so incredibly honored if you allowed me to be a part of their life and help raise them.”

Aelin’s breath caught in her throat and she searched his eyes for a trap. All she could see was determination and truth glittering in his eyes. “Why?” she whispered.  “You don’t even know me and you’re willing to raise a child with me?”

Rowan finally broke his gaze and leaned back into the bench. He looked at the ground as he said, “You’re right that we barely know each other. I… I had a wife.” Aelin felt her heart ache with a familiar pain at the tone of his voice. It was filled with so much hurt. “She was 5 months pregnant with our son when she was killed by a drunk driver on her way home from work. That was five years ago and not something anybody but my closest friends and family knows.”

Rowan finally glanced back at her before he quickly looked away, silver lining his eyes. Emotion got caught in her throat and she took a shaky breath. A tear slipped down her cheek that she quickly wiped away. Flashes of a young, smiling face ran through her mind. She remembered that joy and happiness of being in love and wanting to have a family together. Of having that dream shattered. So with her broken heart she offered up a bit of truth herself.

“I want this baby more than anything. 6 months ago I was told I would never be able to get pregnant.” Rowan straightened and finally looked at her again.  “And now somehow I am and I’m so fucking terrified it’s all just a fluke, and that I’m going to lose this baby. I’ve wanted a family for so long… and I don’t think I can bear another heartbreak.” This time it was Aelin that avoided looking at Rowan and instead looked at her shaking hands wrapped around her coffee cup.

She could feel Rowan’s eyes on her face. He gently took one of her hands in his and put his other hand under her chin and raised her face to look at him. “Then we agree.  Let’s get to know each other while we wait to meet our baby.”

There was a sparkle in his eyes that Aelin couldn’t place. Or maybe she just didn’t want to admit what it might be. But she felt the endless weight over her heart lift, just a little. And something like joy shone in it’s spot.

“Yes, please. I would love that,” Aelin said, a smile blooming on her lips.

Rowan stared at her, dumbstruck, before a smile of his own appeared. A promise of what was to come, what she might finally have and Aelin let that quiet joy take over. At least for now, maybe she should be allowed to be happy.

[isnotys]

Seamless Part 1

Summary: After being Shane Dawson’s assistant for a year, things couldn't have been going better. However, Shane had other plans. He has decided that your next move is to jump headfirst into your true passion and with some unexpected partners.

Warnings: None

It’s only been a short year after I moved to LA to work as Shane Dawson’s assistant and it has been the best decision I have ever made. After all of those grueling years in college, being an assistant to just any YouTuber would’ve been a hard pass, but this is Shane we’re talking about. I haven’t even been here that long, but he has already taught me so much about the business and has introduced me to the influential people that could potentially help me when I decide to pursue writing as a full-time career. 

By far meeting, Jeffree Star has been the craziest experience of my life, although he has been one of the nicest people I’ve met. However, after the last Jeffree Star series, Shane had said he wanted to do a few more lowkey videos. Like the ones he used to do with just Andrew, Drew and Garret. Something that didn't rely as much on just him and Andrew and this makes a lot of sense because the wedding planning had kept him and Ryland quite busy, even Morgan and I as well.

Shane has never stopped helping people though, no matter how busy he is. That is why he let me have the day off today because he had some people coming over for an interview/video/therapy session and Shane wanted to be able to help them with no interruptions. He was mainly worried about how loud Garret usually is, but he asked us all to stay out of the house for most of the afternoon.

So Ryland, Morgan, Garret and I decided that it would be a productive use of our day to go Christmas shopping. Especially because Ryland and Morgan’s parents are coming to California soon and then we are all leaving for Colorado. Despite it being the middle of December, the LA sun is shining bright and nothing more than a hoodie is needed to battle the not so cold weather. 

I was so honored that they invited me though. Not only has Shane become such an important part of my life, Ryland and Shane have also welcomed me into their family. My family doesn't celebrate Christmas and they live in another state, so they insisted I join them to celebrate it all together. After all, Christmas isn't the same in LA. 

After a long drive in the crazy LA traffic, we hit a few stores in Rodeo Drive and got most of what we were going to gift each other. However, we still hadn't gone to the most important one, Target. 

Just when we were coming into the store we saw none other than David Dobrik accompanied by his assistant, Natalie. I honestly thought that was who Shane was meeting with today so I was surprised to see them there, to say the very least.  We have met a few times before at influencer events, which Shane doesn't go to therefore Ryland and Morgan drag me along, so we just all talked a little and they quickly left because they had to film a bit with the squad. 

After saying goodbye to them, I immediately ask Ryland who was coming to the house today. David was my best guess and that had just been proven wrong.

“Ryland,” I begin to accept that my curiosity has finally gotten the best of me, “do you know who is coming to the house today to film the video?”

“Of course I do, hunty!,” he says smirking and with the enthusiasm and charisma he is known for, “Shane told me last week. But you, especially you, can’t know who it is just yet. It is all part of the master plan.”

“Well if it’s John Green, I think it is in everyone’s best interest that I am informed of what is going on,” I say trying to act unbothered and nonchalant, but Ryland can obviously tell that I am not happy that he isn't telling me anything. 

“As long as there are snacks, there shouldn't be any problem,” Morgan says clearly over with this whole thing. She for sure knows something I don’t. 

“SNACKS! You got that right, Morgan! Snacks and a good movie, that should be the plan for tonight,” says Garret excitedly and begins to laugh.

“Wait, why especially me? Why can't I specifically know about who’s at the house today?” I ask Ryland honestly confused and deadass scared for my job. What if Shane hired someone else and wanted to let me go? Before Christmas? This is the best job I have ever had, I don't want to lose it.

“Don’t worry it’s not what you think,” Ryland says walking away because he just saw some cute wine glasses. Ryland is clearly done avoiding my questions so we just keep shopping until we find what we need.

We finally make it back to the car after this long day and we are on our way home. Hopefully, we can just rest for the remainder of the evening because I am just exhausted. Ryland had picked up somethings and was planning to make a quick, homey meal so we could all have a chill night. Well, Ryland hardly ever cooks so, in reality, I’m the one making the food and Garret is gonna eat most of it before its done. We might need Postmates after all. 

It's about 4 o'clock, but the sun is already setting, which is what I hate most about the winter. We are all in the car heading back to the house and the sun shining bright on our faces as Welcome to the Black Parade plays in the background. Emo? Maybe, but it never goes out of style. 

As I lose myself in the lyrics, and Garret keeps talking about an upcoming Marvel movie, we finally arrive at the house. I am dying to take a warm bath and get out of these clothes because we have been running around all day and it might not be that warm, but I definitely look a little rough right now. As I look at my Lover crop top in the reflection when I get out of the car, I remember that Shane keeps telling me that I wear too much merch, and I am starting to believe he might be right after all. 

We get all the bags out of the G-wagon and when we walk into the patio entrance of the house, Morgan trips and falls. The decorations fly in the air as we all die of laughter. Shane and Andrew rush out of the door to check if Morgan is ok. She is, though we are all mad it wasn’t caught on camera. When we are finally able to stop laughing, I look to the door and I see the last people on earth I have ever expected to meet at Shane’s house. Suddenly it all makes sense.

He was filming a video with the Dolan Twins. 

[artificialqueens]

Revelation Sunshine, Chapter 7 (Courtney/Vixen) - Veronica

A/N: Thanks so much to @theartificialdane for all the help with this chapter, and to anyone who’s been reading it. Previous chapters are here.

Last chapter: Courtney spent Thanksgiving with Vixen’s family, and tried to make her feel welcome in LA.

This chapter: The holidays bring a lot of feelings, and in January, we spend time with some old friends.

***

Vixen spent almost all of December with Courtney in LA. Except for work, and a few obligatory holiday parties, it had mostly been just the two of them, finding their rhythm as a couple, learning each other’s most intimate quirks and preferences. On Christmas Eve, they packed a few little bags and drove up to a cabin in Big Bear, where they were meant to spend a blissful week together, curled in front of the fire while soft white snow fell outside. Courtney was beyond excited, clapping her hands like a child at the first sight of snow.

“I can’t wait to have a white Christmas!” she exclaimed.

“Watch it,” Vixen said, giving her some side-eye.

She giggled delightedly.

“It’s true, though! I usually end up somewhere warm over the holidays. And of course, it’s the dead of summer in Australia right now. So I’ve never actually had a white Christmas. Have you?”

“Yeah, I’m from Chicago,” Vixen laughed.

They were just getting settled when Courtney’s phone rang. She stepped into the other room to take it, and came back with a distressed look on her face that immediately filled Vixen with alarm.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is it your family-”

“No, nothing like that, I just…” Courtney bit her lip.”There’s this New Year’s concert in New York and I said no before but now Disney is insisting that I go. They’re pulling some clause in my contract about promotional events and Latrice says that even if I fight it, I might lose and I don’t want an antagonistic relationship with fucking Disney anyway, and-”

“Okay, okay…” Vixen wrapped her arms around Courtney’s waist. Her eyes were red and watery. “So...New Year’s in New York, then?”

“You’re not mad?” Courtney whispered.

“Maybe at The Mouse a little, but at you? Of course not. Why would I be-” she stopped, confused, as tears began to spill down Courtney’s cheeks.

“I just don’t want you to think that you can’t count on me. Can’t trust me to keep my promises.” Courtney clung to Vixen’s shoulders, tears falling faster.

Vixen didn’t really understand why she was so upset. She’d thought she had time off, but now she had to work...it didn’t seem that complicated. But regardless of Vixen’s own feelings on the subject, Courtney still appeared to be wracked with guilt. She cradled Courtney’s face, wiping her tears gently.

“I’m sorry,” Courtney said, and Vixen shook her head.

“It’s okay, babe.”

“I feel like an idiot,” she admitted, sniffling.

“Well, I mean you did think that I was gonna be mad at you for having to work. So...you’re a little bit of an idiot.”

Courtney laughed through her tears, letting Vixen pull her in for an embrace.

“I was just afraid that you...I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“Hey, come on...”  Vixen gave her a charming smile. “I can handle a little disappointment...especially when you’re about to give me an amazing Christmas present.”

Her joke had the exact opposite effect she wanted, Courtney’s face crumbling again, and she pulled away to sit heavily on the bed.

“Court, you know I’m kidding, right? I don’t actually care about stuff like that.” Vixen felt her stomach turn, actually offended at the prospect that she was serious. Was Courtney insane? Did she really think that Vixen was in this relationship for some kind of shallow material gain?

Courtney nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Yeah. I know,” she said hoarsely, but Vixen was sure if she really believed it.

“You sure about that?” Vixen put her hands on her hips, glaring down at her, waiting for a reply. When a few moments passed without anything, her skin grew hot and itchy. “Hello?”

“Everyone thought I was with Bianca because of her money.”

“Were you?” It slipped out before Vixen had the chance to stop herself, the tone harsher than intended.

Courtney looked up sharply, but then sighed. Another tear trickled down her cheek.

“Not...not exactly. But...I can’t deny that part of me was attracted to her success, you know? And I was young and lost and tired and she took care of me. She made me feel safe.”

“Okay. So...that’s you. That’s your shit. Don’t put that on me.” Vixen wasn’t trying to make her feel worse, but she needed to be very clear.

“I’m sorry.” Courtney bit her lip, tears falling faster. She raised her chin and looked up at Vixen, saying, “But be honest. Would you really be here if I couldn’t offer you…”

Courtney trailed off, gesturing limply at...Vixen wasn’t sure. The cabin?

“...all this?”

“You know I have a job, right?” Vixen narrowed her eyes.

“I know, but-”

“A good job. One that took me eight years of fucking college to qualify for.”

“Yeah-”

“I’m not some kid who needed to be rescued from a life of poverty.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” Courtney lowered her head, looking so pathetic and sad that Vixen found it impossible to stay annoyed.

She sighed deeply, then sat down beside Courtney on the edge of the bed.

“Look, the truth is, all the money and the fame...it’s exciting. But, it’s also intimidating and complicated and stressful, and...if I didn’t love you, it definitely wouldn’t be worth it.”

“I’m sorry,” Courtney repeated. “I didn’t mean to imply that you...I’m just sorry. Sometimes it’s hard to tell who actually likes me, for me, and who...”

Vixen took her hand, lacing their fingers together.

“Let me be very clear. I’m not looking for someone to take care of me. Or...not in a one-sided way, anyway.” Courtney finally lifted her head again, and Vixen reached out to wipe the tears from her swollen cheeks. “I think it’s pretty clear that we need to take care of each other.”

“Same sized spoons?” Courtney suggested hopefully, and Vixen laughed.

“Yeah. Same sized spoons. Come here…” She pulled Courtney backwards, onto the bed, wrapping her arms around her, resting a head on her shoulder.

She felt Courtney sigh softly, relaxing into her arms, melting against her. After a few moments, she giggled and said, “I did actually get you a really good present, though.”

“It’s gonna be hard to top you building me an entire office,” Vixen told her.  

“We’ll seee,” Courtney sang.

***

“So, um...how’s your album going?” Vixen asked Adore, cringing inwardly at how awkward she felt. “Courtney said you’re recording some new songs.”

It was January. They’d gotten back to LA about a week ago, just in time for the Winter semester to start. Back to reality, back to work. Adore and Gigi had come over for Sunday brunch, and things were going fine until Gigi asked to see some new designs from Courtney’s clothing line, and the two of them scampered off.

Vixen didn’t dislike Adore. Not exactly. She just didn’t feel like they had very much in common, but she hoped that asking about her music would at least keep her talking for a bit.

“It’s been great!” Adore exclaimed. “This is only our second album, but we have a much more mature sound now, and I’m really psyched for people to hear the new stuff. The crowds we’ve been playing for recently are really responding and it’s just, you know...kinda magical.” Adore smiled, clearly happy to be talking about her music. “I know that sounds a bit gay, but it’s true.”

“Well...I would hope so,” Vixen joked, and Adore giggled.

“Do you want another drink?” Adore gestured to Vixen’s nearly empty Bloody Mary.

“Uhh...yeah, why not.”

“I mean it is Sunday, right?” Adore said, then added, “Not that that means anything to me, but I know you have an actual real job.”

“I do.” Vixen held out her glass and Adore refilled it. When she spoke again, Adore did too. “So, have you-”

“Did you start-” Adore stopped abruptly, giggling awkwardly. “Sorry, go ahead.”

“No, that’s alright. You go.”

“Oh. I was just gonna ask if you’d started your new job yet. At UCLA.”

“Yeah. It’s only part-time for now, but the classes have started.”

“Cool.”

Vixen sipped her drink, glancing out at the ocean in the distance. Where the fuck were Courtney and Gigi, anyway?

“You know…” Adore began, and then trailed off.

“Yes?” Vixen turned back to her, head cocked.

“No, it’s just…what you’re seeing right now? This is the very best version of her. I mean, I’ve known her for 15 years—”

Adore smiled slightly, clearly remembering her friend from all those years ago, and it made Vixen’s heart melt a little. She knew that face, that fondness for the baby versions of her friends, and for the first time, she found herself truly understanding Adore.

“—And I’ve...I’ve never seen her this confident in who she is, and what she wants. Or like, so happy.”

“Not even with your sister?” Vixen asked, a bit tentatively. She wasn’t sure if this was a weird area to venture into. But even though Courtney was pretty open about her (ancient, she claimed) relationship with Bianca, as well as their current friendship, there was always a tiny little nagging doubt in Vixen’s mind.

“Definitely not. She was a mess back then,” Adore laughed. “But like, I guess I just want to make sure you know, and that you’ll...stick around even when it’s not the best version of her.”

“Are you trying to tell me something?” Vixen’s brow furrowed.

“No, just...shit happens. I know how amazing it is to be there on her good days. She’s like, the most fun, loving, adorable person in the world. But...she’s gonna have bad days, too. And it’s been a long time since she let anyone see those. So I just hope you’re really in it. Because she deserves that.”

“I’m in it.” Vixen wanted to say more, but the lump in the throat prevented it, and anyway, she figured that was all Adore really needed to hear.

And she must have been right, because a huge smile broke out on her face, and she lunged forward, wrapping Vixen into a tight, bear-like hug. Maybe they had something important in common after all.

“Awww, are you two bonding?” Courtney cooed, and both of them turned to see her standing in the doorway with Gigi, looking like her heart would burst with happiness.

“She was just giving me The Talk. Making sure I have good intentions with you,” Vixen explained.  

“Ooh, nice.” Courtney sat down beside Vixen, kissing her cheek. “Was she scary?”

“Yeah, I was very Dad about it,” Adore said, and Gigi scoffed in feigned offense.

“I thought that was our thing!” Gigi giggled, slipping into her lap.

“Dear god, please make me unhear that,” Vixen groaned, and Courtney laughed some more, leaning a head on her shoulder.

“I have a question for you guys,” Gigi said. “So...we all know that Courtney’s a bit of an insta-whore-”

“Excuse me!” Courtney laughed. “Don’t make me throw this mimosa at you, missy.”

“No, just like...you post a lot, right? But I haven’t seen anything about the two of you. So is your relationship, like...a secret?”

“No!” Courtney said, then exchanged a look with Vixen.

“It’s not a secret, exactly,” said Vixen.

“You know how people are,” Courtney added. “We just want to keep things between us. For now. So yeah, people know. Kind of. It’s definitely not a secret. But we’re just not like...advertising far and wide.”

“Makes sense to me,” Adore said, pouring herself another drink.

“Well, sure,” said Gigi. “But how long is ‘for now’? It’s awards season soon. What are you gonna do for the Globes? Or the Oscars? Leave her home?”

“I’m probably not even gonna be in town for those,” Vixen told her. “I still have to go back and forth to Chicago for this workshop series that I’m teaching through March.”

“Okay...what about the Met Gala? That’s in May.”

“She wouldn’t want to go to that…” Courtney laughed, then caught Vixen’s eye. “Would you?”

Vixen felt her skin prickle as embarrassment washed over her. Of course, she knew next to nothing about fashion, so she felt uncomfortable admitting it--but the idea of getting all dolled up for one of the fanciest events in the world sounded embarrassingly exciting.

“I...don’t know. Maybe?” She gave Courtney a sheepish little shrug, not ready to commit to this desire.  

Courtney, however, was unfazed. Simply excited at the prospect, saying, “If you’re into it, you should totally come!”

“Aww, that’s so cute!” Adore exclaimed. “It could be like your coming out thing.”

“We’d have to find a designer, get you an outfit...” Courtney chewed on her lip, racking her brain to think of who she could call.

Gigi’s eyes lit up, and she leaned forward.

“What would you want to wear?! Like, describe your dream ensemble.”

“Um...I guess...something kind of...romantic? Maybe kind of flowy and feminine but also sophisticated…” Vixen’s cheeks grew hotter. Was she even making sense?

“You know what designer that sounds like?” Gig asked, picking up her mimosa.

“Yeah. I know exactly who that sounds like,” said Courtney with a groan. “You’re so lucky I love you, baby.”

“You really are.” Gigi smirked.

“Okay, what’s going on? I’m confused,” Adore said, and Vixen nodded in agreement.

***

Courtney tapped her nails on the arm of the chair as the phone rang.

“Talk fast, I’m dealing with a deadline,” Violet said.

“Well, hello to you too!” After so many years, Courtney no longer took Violet’s brusque manner personally. It was actually one of those endearing little quirks that got cuter over time, Courtney’s fondness for Violet growing more and more over the years, especially once they began working together on her fashion line, Kaleidoscope, which Violet still consulted on regularly.

“Courtney…” Her voice had that warning quality that told Courtney she would be running out of patience sooner rather than later. “You know I appreciate you, but I’m genuinely busy-”

“Okay, okay. So. I know that you probably have your hands full with your job, and your family—”

“Correct.”

“—But how would you feel about a little Met Gala commission?” Courtney asked sweetly.

“No.”

“Pleeease, Vi, I’m begging you! Like literally begging,” Courtney said.

“You don’t have a designer yet? It’s January. Did someone die?”

Courtney knew she better quickly get to the point.

“No, of course I do, Christian Siriano is doing mine. But it’s not for me. It’s for Vixen.”

“Who?”

“My girlfriend.”

“Oh. Well. Congratulations. I wasn’t aware you had one.”

“We haven’t advertised it online.”

“I probably wouldn’t know if you had,” Violet said with a chuckle.

“Listen. She’s an amazing person, and she deserves something beautiful. I asked her to describe her ideal dress, and it’s everything you do: dreamy, romantic, feminine and sophisticated.”

Violet snorted. “Sounds familiar.”

“So please, Violet, I’ll pay you double.”

“Courtney. You know it’s not about the money.”

“Please, it would mean the world.”

Violet sighed, saying, “I really don’t have time...”

She sounded genuinely regretful, and so Courtney decided to throw out one last Hail Mary.

“Okay, well...what if I bring Melati as my special guest to the Glimmer Three premiere in June?”

Courtney hoped that particular bargaining chip would work. Mel was still pretty young; maybe it wasn’t a big enough draw.  

When Violet didn’t respond, Courtney quickly added, “Paris and London. You know, if that’s okay with you.”

“You’re evil.”

“I think she’d have fun, don’t you?” Courtney asked, voice dripping with honey.

“It would be the thrill of her life,” Violet said, sighing some more. “Dammit…I cannot believe I’m agreeing to this-”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you! Omigod Vi, this is going to be amazing.”

“But you have to use a person I approve to get her measurements in L.A., and come here in person in April for a fitting.”

“An excuse to bring her to Paris for a romantic getaway? Twist my arm.”

“Also, I want some sketches of your dress from Christian so that I can make sure that they’ll work together.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

***

“Ughhhhh, it huuurts!” Courtney whined.

“I know, honey, I’m sorry.” Vixen ran her fingers through Courtney’s hair, wishing there was more she could do to help. Her plane from Chicago had landed two hours ago, and she’d arrived to find her girlfriend somewhat incapacitated, curled up in the fetal position on the sofa.

Courtney was having horrible cramps--something that apparently rarely happened, but when it did, it hit her like a freight train. And while Vixen had sympathy, she couldn’t help but be amused at what an absolute baby she was being. (Not that Vixen was one to judge, having no experience of her own in the matter, but it did seem a tad dramatic.) Maybe this was what Adore was talking about, she thought, suppressing a laugh.

Courtney moaned in agony, burying her face into the pillow, and Vixen moved a hand to her back, stroking her gently.

“Is there anything I can do? What do you need?”

“Chocolate,” came the pathetic reply, muffled by the pillow. “Lots of chocolate.”

“Heyyy…”

Courtney turned her face up to Vixen, still in pain but unable to hold back a giggle.  

“That’s not what I meant, but I’ll take it.” She closed her eyes as Vixen leaned down for a sweet, gentle kiss.  

“Heating pad!” she suddenly exclaimed, breaking the kiss

“What?” Courtney blinked up at her.

“I heard that a heating pad helps. Do you want one? There’s one in the closet from when I hurt my shoulder.”

“Okay…”

“Okay.” Vixen started to get up, but Courtney pulled her back down.

“Wait.”

“What is it?”

Courtney squeezed her hand, looking up at her with big puppy eyes, and requested, “Kiss me again.”

“You got it.” Vixen couldn’t help but smile as she leaned in for another kiss.

***

Vixen flipped absentmindedly through the channels, Kylie curled in a warm fluffy ball in her lap. She was decompressing after a long day of classes and department meetings, her schedule crammed to the gills since she’d made the regrettable decision not to give up her workshop series in Chicago for a few months. It was good that she’d have more time to train people to take over for her, but she was a bit overloaded.

The result of all this was a shorter temper than usual, some of her worst habits returning to bite her in the ass. Fortunately, she’d been able to catch herself before she’d really taken anyone’s head off, but today, after snapping at someone in a meeting and then apologizing profusely, she realized that she better plan some relaxation time into her schedule, stat.

She sighed, hoping once again that her gamble of moving to LA full time later in the Spring would pay off with a tenured position at UCLA. She perked up a bit when she heard Courtney come in, making her way through the house.

“In the bedroom!”

Vixen was extremely curious to find out about what was going on with Courtney. She’d been meeting with some executives about NBC about a possible project, and it had gone hours later than expected. Vixen was already home when Courtney texted that she was still there, and wouldn’t be home for dinner. Now, it was almost 9 pm.

Courtney entered the room with her shoes in her hands, tossing them halfway to the closet and collapsing in bed beside Vixen with a groan.

“Hi, baby.” Vixen dropped a kiss to the crown of her head.

“You know, once you let him on the bed, he’s never gonna leave you alone,” Courtney said, reaching over to scratch Kylie behind the ears.  

“He was lonely on the floor,” Vixen explained, and Courtney giggled, snuggling up to her.

“Uh huh…So how was your day?”

“Fine, the new syllabus was approved for the Spring quarter and more importantly, what were you doing at NBC for almost 7 hours?”

“Well...okay. So, apparently...Fallon is leaving, and so they’re looking for a new host for The Tonight Show...”

“Are you serious?” Vixen exclaimed, sitting up straight. “That’s huge!”

“I know. But the thing is, I told them that if I was gonna do it, I don’t want it to just be some ordinary late-night show that anyone might do. I would want to make a real difference. I mean, obviously I’ll have to include all the celebrity interviews and pop culture stuff, that’s part of the gig.”

“Right.”

“But I also want to say something. Like, for example, including interviews with congress anytime there’s a big vote for a bill coming up about health care or gun control or civil liberties. Or like, talking to activists and organizers, people like you. And, also! Musical numbers!”

Vixen laughed. Her mind was just so bizarre sometimes.

“Like big, Broadway-style numbers, almost like those old-timey variety shows. Or like, okay, these shows often have cooking segments, which is fun, but I’d want to feature vegan chefs and talk about little replacements people can do to decrease the carbon footprint of their diets, and things that would actually be helpful to people when-”

“Okay, I’m starting to see why the meeting went on so long…”

“And political debates. But not like, the dumb kind between a Nobel-prize winning scientist and some asshole climate denier. Real, nuanced debates between people who know what they’re fucking talking about.”

“So...between the super far left and the sort of medium far left?” Vixen guessed.

“Yes!” Courtney giggled. “See, you get me. And a book club!”

“Like Oprah?” Vixen reached down to play with her hair while she listened to her rattle off more ideas.

“Yeah, kind of! I was pitching them this idea where we do interviews with people--not just celebrities but all kinds of people, about books that have really had a profound effect on their life, and then have a membership program in like, a digital library where we can lend out the books for free but the authors are still getting royalties. Also, I want to spotlight ethical brands and employee-owned companies, and have a goal of like, within 2 years, the whole show is sponsored by companies that we can actually stand behind.”

“It sounds great,” Vixen said. One of the best things about Courtney was her boundless enthusiasm for doing whatever she could to make the world a better place. Even though it sometimes led to her spinning in a million different directions, Vixen appreciated the thought behind it. “Is it like, a done deal? Offer on the table?”

“Yeah, they made the offer. I just have to decide if I’m gonna take it.”

“Is there a downside?”

“Yeah, I mean, I wouldn’t really be able to act anymore, except for maybe some tiny cameos. And touring would be on hold indefinitely. It would be very all-consuming. And it’s a pretty grueling schedule,” Courtney said. “But, on the other hand, it seems like an opportunity to do everything I’ve always wanted.”

“Sounds like you’ve kind of decided,” Vixen said with a grin.

“Plus it is...so much money,” Courtney confessed, and Vixen burst out laughing. “It is! Like, crazy money. I could become a bona-fide philanthropist.”

“So I could quit my job and become one of those ladies who lunch?” Vixen joked.

“Or run for office.”

Vixen’s goofy smile faded immediately. Running for office was a far-off dream she’d shared with Courtney, one of those whispered-in-the-dark confessions that part of her thought might never come true.

“Are you serious?”

“That’s the goal, right?” Courtney asked, tilted her head up to gaze at Vixen with soft, shining eyes.

“I mean...eventually, yes. Someday...”

“Well…” Courtney sat up, turning around and slipping her arms around Vixen’s shoulders. “Obviously, no pressure. But I just want you to know that when you’re ready, I will support you one thousand percent. Talk show money or not.”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t think of anyone smarter, or more capable, or more passionate that I would trust with my vote.”

“I’ll do my best to live up to that.” Vixen smiled, leaning forward to press a kiss to her lips.

“You already have,” Courtney told her.

[isthatbloodonhisshirt]

New Year’s Wrap Up!

Thank you @corancoranthemagicalman​ for tagging me in this! I honestly don’t ever think about these things ahaha |D So this is kinda cool tbh. Thank you :3 

Does my current WIP technically count in this case? I’ll pretend it does, I mean, I WROTE it in 2019, just didn’t post it until December 30th |D lol So technically, it counts, it’s only a WIP on Ao3, not on my computer :P 

Fics that you wrote in 2019

Up Down Lock Unlock (Sterek, 42k, G)

Through the Window (Sterek, 6.8k, G)

Business Skype (Sterek, 6k, G)

It Was a Wednesday (Sterek, 80k, M)

Be Still My Heart (You’re Beating Too Loud and my Neighbour’s a Bitch) (Sterek, 34k, T+)

What Fresh Twilight Bullshit is This? (Sterek, 196k, E)

Everyone Needs a Little Mischief in their Life (Sterek, 18k, T+)

There’s no Escape for the Potato Man (Sterek, 54k, T+)

SuperWing, Stucky and SlaDick, Oh My! (Sterek, 34.8k, T+)

Quack (Stiles Stop Calling It That) (Sterek, 16k, T+)

Because Family is More than Just Blood (Sterek, 5K, G)

I mean, again, TECHNICALLY Actions Speak Louder Than Words also counts because I wrote it in 2019 and am just posting most of it in 2020... So... (Sterek, 384k, E)

We are going to assume all questions are answered with the inclusion of Actions.

Total Fics: I wrote 12 fics this year. Enough to be considered one a month, except definitely not one a month since Twilight took me two months and Actions took me a fucking ETERNITY, like, I think I started in July? Maybe August, but still, took me FOREVER!  

Total Words: 877,632. Less than last year :( I broke a million words last year. Maybe I can break 2 Million in 2020! (LOL Yeah no...) 

Ship/Character Breakdowns: LOL Sterek. That’s... that’s it... 

Best/Worst Title:  Best Title (IMO): What Fresh Twilight Bullshit is This? (Idk man, I laugh every time I think about it, so I like it) Runner up Best Title: It Was a Wednesday Worst Title: Up Down Lock Unlock. (I legit had no idea what to call that fic, so, you know |D)

Best/Worst First Line:  Best First Line: From “Everyone Needs a Little Mischief in Their Life” 

To be fair, he hadn’t exactly meant to throw him into a tree.

Worst First Line: From “Quack (Stiles Stop Calling It That)”

“Stiles.” A loud grunt escaped said individual at the harsh smack to his posterior. “Up. Get up.”

General Questions

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

I feel like kind of less than I thought. I had plans for two others but then Actions took over and I know myself well enough to know if I didn’t finish it first, I never would. So I’m gonna take a short break to catch up on like, life >.> And then start back up again starting with a long overdue birthday present. Hopefully I can write more in 2020 \o/

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

HAHAHA Uh, I only wrote Sterek and I knew I would only write Sterek so I guess I knew all along? Man, I write too much Sterek... 

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

Probably It Was a Wednesday. I mean, it was super SAD, and I was AWFUL to poor Stiles, but idk, I don’t write Derek’s POV very much, and I kind of liked having Derek be the one to save someone else for once. And I liked that he was the only one who could truly understand what Stiles had gone through compared to everyone else. It was also nice being able to write a fic where it showcases the pack can’t survive without Stiles because once he disappeared, the pack fell apart, and my honest opinion is that that is 100% what would happen. Without Stiles, the pack can’t function and begins to fracture, so it was fun writing them coming back together around him when he returned. 

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

From 2019, What Fresh Twilight Bullshit is This? To be fair, it’s like, 116k words longer than my next longest fic of 2019 so I feel like that’s an unfair comparison lol.

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

I say It Was a Wednesday -slams hands on desk- But I’m biased because it’s my fav from 2019 >.> But it’s number 5 kudos-wise for 2019! I think it’s the angst. The first four are all more fluffy (Except Twilight, but it has an equal amount of fluff and angst). I guess my real self is coming out. SURPRISE! I am an Angst Queen >.>

Story that could have been better?

Be Still My Heart (My Neighbour’s a Bitch and You’re Beating Too Loud). Honestly, not super happy with that fic, but I wrote it for personal reasons. To copy/paste so as not to repeat myself: 

(As of October 2019) So basically, Stiles is currently me. I have had a neighbour complaining about me for literally 31 months (which, for people bad at math like me, is OVER two years) and they are literally ruining my life. I have massive anxiety every time I do anything, INCLUDING SLEEP, and I basically cannot live my life in any capacity. The building manager is really nice to me, but the property manager is pretty much useless and the complaints continue to come during times where I am literally passed out in bed. In light of that, I wrote this fic because by God, I needed some fucking happy in my life over a situation I have no control over. Is Derek in the wrong? I mean, yeah, I never say he's not. Did Stiles suffer? Of course he did. But you know what? He got a happy ending, because turns out his anxiety was due to a poor decision on Derek's part, and he felt terrible about it. I don't get a happy ending, I get constant anxiety and apologetic texts from the building manager because it's his job to tell me he knows I'm sleeping but lady is still complaining. So given I wrote this to make myself feel better, and I decided to share it with you, do me a favour and instead of making me feel worse by telling me how horrible I am and how shitty Derek is, just hit the red X in the corner instead and you can avoid having to look at this fic again. People write things for various reasons, it'd be real great if there was a bit more understanding and a bit less attacks in the world. You don't know why someone wrote something or what's going on with the person on the other end of the computer screen. So just click the X if you hated this fic and thought Derek was a dick to Stiles. I know he was, but Stiles at least gets to live his life anxiety-free because the building manager was in love with him. I get to go cry in the shower every night.

Sexiest story?

What Fresh Twilight Bullshit Is This? It’s the only one with smut, I’m pretty sure, so it’s really the only one that counts |D

Saddest story?

It Was a Wednesday, hands down. I was really mean to Stiles in it.

Most fun?

Oh man, uhhhh... Oh maaaaaaaaan.... I thought it would be between two of them, but it’s between FOUR... Business Skype, There’s No Escape For the Potato Man, Quack (Stiles Stop Calling It That) and SuperWing, Stucky and SlaDick, Oh My! 

Hmmmmmmmmmm..... hmhmhmhmhmhmhm....

UGH! This is hard. Okay, I’ma go with Potato Man. I got the idea randomly and it was ridiculous but still fun, so I’m gonna stick to that. It was my first instinct, going with it. 

Story with the single sweetest moment?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words, but I can’t quote the part because it hasn’t been posted yet |D 

So runner up is It Was a Wednesday:

“Need is a very specific thing. Your dad needs you, because he doesn’t know how to function without you. He needs you to be there to watch what he eats, and he needs you to stay close to him so he knows he hasn’t lost everyone he cares about. He needs you like a dying man needs one more breath. He’s desperate for it.

“Scott needs you, too. He needs you to keep him out of trouble. He needs you to challenge him, to keep him in line, to keep the Pack together. He needs you to be the voice of reason, to make the plans, to know when to fight and when to turn tail and run. Scott needs you like an Alpha needs a second, because he doesn’t know how to do this without you. He doesn’t know how to exist without you in his orbit, because you’ve never not been in his orbit before.

“But me? I don’t need you. At all. Because I survived before you, and I survived after you. I can manage without you in my life, but the difference is I won’t. Because I want you. I want you to be in my life. I want you in my space, arguing with me, annoying me, being infuriatingly right all the time. I want you to be a part of my future, whether it’s as a coworker at the garage, as a Packmate to this broken Pack that I don’t even know can be salvaged, as a friend, as a brother, I don’t care. All I know is that want and need are two different things, and just because I don’t need you doesn’t mean I don’t want you.”

Hardest story to write?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words, hands down. I love dialogue. Like, loooooooooooove dialogue, which is why writing fics with tons of texting make me supremely happy. And I decided, hey, what if I wrote a fic where one of the two main characters is cursed and can’t speak? What if I did that? And then what if I made it ALMOST 400k? WHAT IF I VERY SMARTLY DID THAT LIKE A VERY SMART PERSON? 

I’m lucky I’m still sane, tbh. 

Easiest/most fun story to write?

Okay, Business Skype can go here then. Because it was definitely the easiest, and also really fun :) 

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

I mean, kind of It Was a Wednesday, I guess. Like I said above, it made me think about how the pack can’t function without Stiles, personally. So I’d say probably that one for that reason. 

Most overdue story?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words. That thing was an asshole to me :( 

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? I don’t think so? Unless writing really excessively long fics this year counts? Because I did two of those... And clearly, I learned nothing from that suffering.

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

To not take five months to write one fic... That’d be good |D Kinda wanna do another challenge, but don’t know what. I’ll think on it. If anyone has any challenge ideas, let me know :) 

[comicteaparty]

January 4th-January 10th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from January 4th, 2020 to January 10th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

What goals do you have going forward with this new year for your story?

carcarchu

well i basically have the same goal every year which is to cover more ground, i made the mistake of making my first comic be a super long 3 part epic so it feels like it's going to take me years to make it even part way through when i try to make my chapters longer however it generally leads me to feeling burned out so i still have a way to go when it comes to finding the right length per chapter that i can put out consistently

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

In Phantomarine (http://www.phantomarine.com/), this year I finally reach the chapter where all my main characters meet and start interacting - it's where the story truly kicks off. I've spent almost 2 years in setup/exposition mode, and I finally get to exit it properly. I'm so. SO. Excited. And I really want to take my time and do it properly. It's about to get very fun for me, and I hope it will show in the work!

Cronaj

My goals mainly consist of reaching page 100. I'm over 1/4th of the way there, and I believe I can get there before 2021. I also want to reach the introduction of one of the main characters, but I don't think that'll happen this year. This character doesn't appear until the end of Ch. 5, which is somewhere around page 170-180. Am I waiting too long to introduce this character? Absolutely.

eli [a winged tale]

I am almost halfway through Arc 1 and almost at 10% of the story Looking forward to chugging away at it and hope to reach the First Plot Point by the end of the year

kayotics

I guess one of my goals is to reformat chapter 1 for printing (I drew it at the wrong size), and then update chapters 1 & 2 for colors. I’d like to compile the first four chapters into a book, but I’d like all the chapters to be visually similar in color at least.

Tuyetnhi

Gonna try to finish two chapters this year and clean up ch.1 and 2 for printing its gonna be a lot of work but I know it can be managed~

snuffysam

In terms of where the main story will go - Book 3 just started, and Chapter 1 should be finished mid-March. Chapter 2 will be finished early-mid July, maybe even late June? Chapter 3 will be finished sometime in September. And then it's Chapter 4... which won't be finished until like June 2021 lol. But anyway, by the end of the year we'll be introduced to all the important characters of this arc (though we won't have had much time with some of them). Including a character who's so important, I'd almost call them the deuteragonist of the entire comic if not for the fact that they're only showing up 700 pages in, lol.(edited)

Past the actual story aspects - the comic will be celebrating its fourth birthday at the end of February! And, given that the first page of the comic was started on a leap day, it's technically the first birthday the comic has actually had. The upcoming short stories for the year are some of my favorites so far, so that's exciting. I'm also interested to see how the shipping contest & fan-art contest turn out. We'll also be reaching page 750 at some point this year, which is a pretty big milestone.

Deo101

I have a goal for my second comic to get it off of hiatus, and for my main one I would really like to make improvements in the areas I've received critiques! Mostly, I just want to keep making them for another year <3 I don't really have any goals other than to keep on going with it

(also, a preemptive congrats on four years!)(edited)

AntiBunny

Well, having fully reuploaded my archives, I'm letting them update gradually to hopefully attract a new audience over on comic fury. When it catches back up I intend to finish up Chapter 10, and with it book 2. Then I'll finally launch book 3, Coast to Coast, which will allow me to tell more different stories by changing locations.

Kelsey (Kurio)

Hey Vinnie! How goes it?

AntiBunny

Still chugging along.

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

The big goal for Wayfinders off course is first of all to launch! In start February (we will find a date today iiih!!) Then at the end of 2020, if everything goes accordingly we should have produced 7 chapters enough for a book Ah! This is all so exciting

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Pretty much my goal is to just keep swimming. I hope to complete more chapters this year. I should be able to finish chapter one of my comic, Eryl, unless I have to take a long hiatus (which, honestly, is looking very likely). Ashes is less time intensive than Eryl and the chapters half as long (only 16 pages each; Eryl chapters are usually 30-35 pages), so I’m going to try and finish at least two, if not three chapters before 2021. But honesty, just getting what I can done and continuing to push forward is my biggest goal.

Mei

I only started My Husband is a Cultist last year in April (https://tapas.io/series/MyHusbandisaCultist) and my goal is to reach that first year anniversary and to keep the train rolling for this comic! I initially wanted to have the rest of this arc completed in 2020, but I've decided to be realistic as I will be making a grad film at the same time (yay), so I just plan to do as much as I can, and to at least have Chapter 4 completed before March, and maybe Chapter 5 after that! I have a lot of story I want to tell and it's hard to stay focussed on it, but I'm doing my best, doing a little at a time!

Phin (Heirs of the Veil)

My goals are mainly to become a little quicker and finish the second book in time for the Heirs of the Veils (http://heirsoftheveil.fervorcraft.de/) fourth anniversary next October. Story-wise we want to have all the bits and pieces in place to slowly approach the actual meaty parts of the comic and prepare well enough to finish it in the coming 3 years.

FeatherNotes

Our goal is to have our book fully edited, with help from editors and friends, so we can be more confident in it's true rendition. Im not one to stick to making pages perfect, but there are definitely parts that could use some attention! Other than that, book 4 is on it's way and it's always a main goal to get to print for upcoming cons!

varethane

My goal this year is to get to the end of the first arc of Wychwood! After a year of working on it, I'm roughly halfway there. I'd also like to lern 2 colour better.

Capitania do Azar

This year I hope to get a new book out!! That would be great and also you know, just keep going. If all goes well I can get a chapter out until the end of the year and that'd be cool (but also perhaps a bit too hopeful, since my chapters have started to...get bigger with time..)

SAWHAND

This year my goal is to start posting the comic! And, if it works out, I'd love to get the whole thing thumbnailed out by the end of the year. Fingers crossed!!

DanitheCarutor

My goal is to finish chapter 5 in less than a year. Up until now it's taken a year to finish a chapter thanks to work, chores and the occasional procrastination spell. But in December I quit my depressing job that was a two hour drive away, so I'm hoping to be more productive, even if I get part time work somewhere in town.

twothirty

along with finishing chapter 6 and 7, im also hoping to have all of book 2's script written and edited~

renieplayerone

My goal is id love to get the first chapter or two of kate blast printed

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Broken Like Me (Part 9) - Dean’s Better Day

Summary: Dean talks to the reader about what happened the night before and why he was feeling the way he did...

Masterlist

Pairing: Model!Dean x reader

Word Count: 4,500ish

Warnings: language

Saturday

You woke up to a few fingers lightly tracing over your cheek, moving the hair out of your face. You blinked your eyes open a few times, Dean giving you a small smile from where he lay beside you.

“Hey,” you said, catching his hand and pulling it to your chest.

“Hey,” he said, looking down, forcing his gaze to meet yours. “You have really cute bedhead.”

“You too,” you said, Dean shutting his eyes, tucking himself into you again. You moved your arm around his waist, Dean a million times better than the night before but if he needed another cuddle, you weren’t stopping him.

“I’m hungry,” he said after you felt yourself starting to drift asleep again. You popped open your eyes and leaned over, kissing his forehead.

“I imagine. You didn’t eat much yesterday,” you said. You rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom, returning with a cup of water. “Drink. You’re dehydrated.”

He swallowed it down and then another one, looking a bit more bashful as he was waking up.

“Today I’m taking care of you. You have to tell me if you need something, alright?” you asked.

“You don’t think I’m pathetic?” he asked, staring up at you with big green eyes, like the answer carried too much weight.

“No, Dean. I don’t think that,” you said, wrapping your arms around him. “Brush your teeth and put on clean clothes. Come downstairs when you’re finished up please.”

“Okay,” he said, grabbing his bag and going to the bathroom. You threw on something comfortable and headed downstairs, thankfully finding enough things to whip up a few omelettes. Dean rubbed his stomach when he came in, a new pair of gray sweats and a black henley on. “Smells great.”

“S’almost done if you want to grab yourself a drink,” you said. Dean shuffled around the kitchen, pouring a few glasses of orange juice. You dished up the eggs and set a plate down, urging him to sit while you got the utensils. He polished his off fast and you gave him part of yours, ruffling his hair while you cleaned up the dishes.

“We should talk,” he said.

“Go find a comfy spot on the couch. I’ll be in there in two seconds, I promise,” you said with a smile. Dean made his way to the family room while you grabbed a few bottles of water and bag of trail mix, bringing it with you to the family room and setting it on the end table. You tossed a blanket over Dean and got one for yourself as you settled in next to him, turning on the TV to something quiet and mindless. Dean rested his head on your shoulder and your laced your fingers together with his.

“Yesterday was a bad day,” he said. “I was fighting with my dad again. I went over for lunch and we got in an argument and he said I need to grow the fuck up and get a real job and I wasn’t welcome anymore until I did. The information wasn’t like, new or anything. We’ve had this fight before. But then that other model dude said crap about the way I look and I thought he was right and then I thought dad was right and how much of a loser was I and I was a disappointment and I let everyone down. Then I thought about you and I almost called you because I thought, I knew, you’d make me feel better but I didn’t want to bother you and that was a bad idea because I just let all that build up in my head until I was convinced no one gave a shit, including you and I know that’s not true but I just felt like I was going to explode. I felt awful because I knew we were supposed to have a date and then I didn’t want to go because I thought you’d realize you made a mistake with me and you’d dump me and I couldn’t handle that so I went to Dr. Bram’s.

“So I was having a bit of a freakout session there and he was trying to understand everything about what was going on since we haven’t talked lately but then he left and came back and said you were outside for me if I needed you. I lost it at that. Because that meant I was so wrong about you and that you cared about me too. I figured I’d be okay, I heard you up and walking around a few times but you never left and I talked to Dr. Bram for a long time about my family and you and how you’re one of the few people that never judged me and you let me in when if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t have had the guts. I know you’re so much stronger than me and I just knew I could be okay if you let me be with you. I know that’s too fucking much. We’ve been dating like a month, not even, and it’s not fair to you but I can only bother Sammy so much and I know he loves me because he’s my brother but you could walk away whenever you wanted but you didn’t and you’re still here even though I’ve been blabbering for a good five minutes and I know I cried all over you last night but you’re taking care of me and no one’s ever done that,” he said. He wiped his sleeve across his face, taking a tissue from you when you handed it over and then another, fisting the fabric over his hands as he sniffled.

“I think I’m falling in love with you,” you said. Dean tilted his head up, his face unreadable. “And I don’t think I realized it until last night but I am. I never want to see you hurt like that again. It hurts and I don’t know how to stop it and I wish you got along with your dad but Dean, you are a grown up. He doesn’t hold any power over you. I know you want his approval but if he’s going to beat you down until you feel like this, I want you to stay away from him, at least for a little while. I want you to feel better first.”

“I don’t think I’m falling in love with you,” he said. You felt a lump in your throat, Dean’s hand on your cheek. He leaned over and planted a big one on you, his lips salty and swollen and more forceful than normal. “I know I am.”

“Can I revise my previous statement to say I was being a chicken shit just then and I am too?” you said. Dean chuckled and smiled, pulling you in for a kiss again. “I thought you were always so soft with your kisses.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself,” he said.

“That’s okay. I kind of liked it,” you said, giving him a smile. “I’m going to call Sam and let him know you’re doing a bit better. Then I’ll come back and we can spend the whole weekend together on this couch eating takeout. Sound good?”

“Yeah,” he said with a big smile. “Thank you.”

Saturday Night

“Okay, pizza, pizza. What pizza to order…” you said, handing Dean a menu, staring at one yourself. You had a pretty lazy day, spent in sweats and blankets with hot chocolate, watching the rain on the dreary December day and rom-coms non stop.

It’s was a completely unproductive day but for Dean and you, it was a good one. You knew more about his insecurities, about his problems with his family, about the way he viewed himself. His self-worth wasn’t very high, something he kept hidden fairly well but you opened up to him about your own because of it. You didn’t get into details but he understood and it was like a weight was off you both.

You trusted each other more than ever before.

“Let’s order one cheese and one with everything,” he said.

“Oh, we’re going all out. Fancy,” you said, standing to find your phone to order.

“Only the best for my girl,” he teased. You were gone a few minutes, returning to find Dean passed out on the couch. You sat down next to him, Dean still out, only shifting a little to rest his head on your shoulder.

“I know. Last night took a lot out of you,” you said quietly. “I’ve been there.”

You let Dean have a short nap until the doorbell rang and woke him. He stumbled over to the front door and paid, back with a smile as he carried the pizza boxes into the family room.

“Feeling like you can face the world again?” you asked. He hummed, sitting down before he wrapped his arms around you and tackled you onto the couch, giving you a big, wet kiss. “Dean!”

“Thank you for today...and yesterday. I really needed a lazy day to get my head on straight,” he said.

“Any time,” you said, leaning up and throwing your arms around the back of his neck. You pulled him back into the kiss, Dean chuckling against your cheek.

“I like playful you,” he teased, giving you another, more heated kiss.

“Calm down, we don’t want our food to get cold after all,” you said with a giggle. He sat up and pulled you with him. Quickly he was settled into what he now claimed as “his” side of the couch, a few pieces of pizza piled on a plate in his lap.

As you ate together, you watched him start to get withdrawn again though, Dean subtly shifting away from you on the couch after you’d put away the leftovers.

“Hm,” you hummed, scooting over to him, wrapping your arm around his back and around his waist, giving him a side hug.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“You looked like you were trying to run away from me,” you said.

“It’s getting late. I should go home,” he said, not making an attempt to move.

“Do you want to go home? Not what you feel like you should do but what do you want?” you asked.

“I want to stay again,” he said.

“Then stay. I won’t ever kick you out,” you said.

“Are you sure it’s okay?” he asked.

“Always.”

Dean slept like a baby that night, far more relaxed in bed beside you. You knew his problems with his dad weren’t gone but hopefully the next time he started to feel this way, he would come to you.

Sunday was again a lazy day, Dean even asking if Sam could come over. Sam didn’t pry or budge and treated Dean normally, Dean silently giving him thankful looks at not pressing him for anything. You made sure he was comfortable without you being there before you ran out to a few stores, grabbing some much needed groceries.

“Hey, Y/N,” said Sam when you got back. “Dean and I were talking and Christmas is in like a week and he sort of said since you aren’t getting along with your parents right now, would you want to have Christmas with us?” asked Sam.

“Hey, I was gonna ask her,” said Dean, shuffling into the kitchen, helping you put some things away.

“I’d love to,” you said, looking at Dean.

“Oh, don’t tell me you never had one of those either,” he said, frowning as he held a box of Cheerios.

“I’ve had Christmas before but...it’s like, we don’t decorate or do anything besides open presents that everyone talked about beforehand. It never seemed like we did it right,” you said.

“Well,” said Dean, glancing at Sam. “Sam and I talked and I’m going to try to make up with my dad this afternoon. If I can’t, us three will have our own Christmas. No drama, just a good time.”

“That sounds like a plan. I’d like you to wait until tomorrow night though, after…” you said.

“Dr. Bram’s? That’s probably a good idea,” said Dean. “I can talk through it first.”

“When you go over, I’m going too. I’m telling dad to knock it off,” said Sam.

“Okay. Let’s just enjoy the rest of the day before World War three starts.”

Monday Night

It was six. Sam was home from work and Dean was back from Dr. Bram’s. He seemed confident and knew what he wanted to say. You figured it’d be easier if they called their parents and asked to have dinner, make it less confrontational.

Dean thought having you there might make a fight less likely but honestly, you knew he wanted you there in case things went south.

“Hi mom,” said Sam, walking inside. She greeted the three of you, graciously taking the sweet bread you’d made for dinner. John was watching TV in another room and Dean steered clear of him until Mary was ushering you all around the kitchen table.

“How was work Sam?” asked Mary, knowing a majority of the people at that table didn’t want to be there.

“Good. We wrapped up our big case. Just a bit of paperwork left but I should be able to take a few weeks off for the holidays with no problem,” said Sam, taking a bite of his chicken.

“Y/N how’s that work with you working from home? Do you still get vacation?” she asked.

“Oh yeah. I more or less make my own hours. As long as the work gets done and the businesses are making a profit, they don’t care if it takes me twenty hours or forty to get the job done. Some weeks are more intensive than others but it’s not very stressful. I do very well thankfully,” you said

“I bet your parents are very proud,” she said.

Well, this wasn’t the plan but you looked at Dean and went with it.

“Actually, I don’t have a very good relationship with my parents,” you said, Dean poking at his steamed carrots. “We’re no longer on speaking terms. They never even came to the hospital after the accident.”

Mary looked like she wanted to say that was horrible, John closing his eyes for a moment before he went back to reaching for his beer.

“You know, the son you’ve been disagreeing with recently flew halfway across the country in a moment’s notice for you,” you said, staring at John until he looked your direction. “You’re a shitty dad. You want what’s best for him but do you have any idea what exactly you are doing to him? Do you have a clue about how he thinks about himself? Let me ask you this. He does not hurt anyone in his job. He does not let anyone take advantage of him, trust me. I’ve met his agent and she’d never let it happen. It is not the most glamorous job in the world, or the most manly job but you know what? He helped put Sam through school. He kept you out of debt. He is well mannered and kind and the guy’s got a far better retirement plan than anyone sitting at this table. The son that you want to grow up and get a real job? He’s the one you sent to check on me in that hospital because you were too scared to do it yourself. He’s the one that was my friend when I needed one and he’s the one that told me it’s okay if I do this,” you said, taking off your hat. “He’s the one that was there for me when I didn’t have anyone. He’s the grown up, not you. So you either need to learn to accept him as is or you’re going to lose him. Period.”

The table was silent, everyone staring at their plates apart from John. He had a hard face most of the time but at the moment, it was almost afraid.

“You’re right,” he said, voice louder than you were anticipating. “I didn’t want to see you. I didn’t ever want to see and frankly, I didn’t ever want to know that the accident I caused is going to have lasting effects on you, probably for the rest of your life. I didn’t want to see what I broke and had to be pieced back together. Which is ironic because I’ve been doing it for a very long time to my kids.”

He turned to Dean, Dean’s head up but he wasn’t looking anywhere near his father.

“When did you start to hate me?” John asked. Dean sighed but John held up a hand. “When did you stop trusting me is a better question?”

“The fire,” said Dean quietly, looking at his lap.

“Because I left you in this house alone. You had to find your own way out,” he said. You looked to Sam, Sam giving you a small nod that it was true. “You were only four and I left you alone. Your mom got Sammy and I was supposed to get you. I said I’d come get you, I told you to stay in your room, didn’t I?”

“You never came back,” said Dean, turning his head, narrowing his eyes at his dad. His fists were clenched in his lap and he took a hard swallow. “You were big and strong and you couldn’t figure out how to get the damn door open. So you left me and I waited and I waited and I waited until I couldn’t breathe. And then I found my own way out the window. The jump could have killed me I was so little. But you weren’t even there. No, I limped around to the front of the damn house and you were there with mom and Sam. You never came back. You were never going to come back. I figured out where I fit in this family very early on.”

“So you’ve hated me since you were four?” asked John.

“I don’t hate you,” said Dean, rolling his eyes.

“Then what?” he said.

“What do you want me to say?” said Dean.

“The truth,” said John.

“Fine. I thought you left me there on purpose,” said Dean.

“What?” said Mary.

“I know that’s not true. You did send me to a shrink after all. It’s what I felt though and it has been stuck in my head for a very long time that this family has never needed me. Why do you think I always try to take care of you guys? It makes me valuable but even that wasn’t good enough and I don’t…” said Dean, taking a deep breath.

“We’re done,” said John. Dean lowered his head a fraction, John tsking him. “Done fighting about this Dean. It was never your job to take care of this family. It’s mine. But you’re an adult and so is everyone here. I’m not going to lose you over this. Do I like that you take off your shirt for a living? No. But you’re a good boy, good man, and if that’s what you want to do to support yourself and your family someday, then that’s your decision and I’ll stand by it.”

“Just like that? You changed your mind?” asked Dean.

“I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to resent me like Y/N does her parents because they treated her poorly. I want this family to feel like a family,” said John.

“Would you go to therapy with me?” asked Dean.

“For you, yes,” said John, even though the idea clearly made him uncomfortable.

“Okay then,” said Dean, picking up his fork and going back to dinner. You, Sam and Mary shared a look, like you were possibly expecting more but it didn’t come and both John and Dean went back to dinner like the moment was gone.

“I made a pie for desert,” said Mary. “Chocolate.”

“That’s my favorite,” you said, trying to steer the conversation with her onto a lighter topic.

“Y/N,” said Dean. “Why’d you take off your hat?”

“Because I was trying to make a point,” you said with a shrug, reaching to pull the hat back on but stopping when Dean grabbed your hand under the table.

You could feel his parents staring at the scar, Sam not so much but you’d also spent a lot more time with him and he knew how you felt about it. You swallowed and grabbed the hat from your lap, handing it to Dean.

He had tried so you could try too. It was only four people and two of them you already trusted to see you like that. You could get through one meal.

“Is everyone coming over for Christmas?” asked Sam.

“From the sounds of it. Jo had to get her tonsils out over the weekend but she’s already up and around. Everyone’s planning on coming,” said Mary.

“Y/N’s going to come too,” said Dean.

“She’s more than welcome to,” said Mary with a smile. “You’re moving a little fast you two, don’t you think?”

“No, not really. We haven’t even had a makeout session yet,” said Dean, Mary rolling her eyes. “Have we Y/N?”

“I’m not answering that,” you said, shaking your head at him.

After a while, the tension ran out of the room, John asking the boys to help him bring some decorations up from the basement. You helped Mary with a few dishes before you saw your hat on Dean’s seat and slipped it on.

“Y/N,” said Mary. You turned your attention to her, fixing the hat in place. “The accident wasn’t entirely John’s fault. We were having an argument, over Dean actually but I played a part in distracting him.”

“Do you think I don’t like you or something?” you asked.

“It wasn’t all on John is what I’m trying to say,” she said.

“Mary. He didn’t drive into me on purpose. I don’t hate him. I wish I looked the way I used to but I can’t magically go back in time and stop it from happening,” you said. “I can’t go back in time to stop anything bad that’s ever happened to me. I live with it and I move on.”

“The boys say something like that but it’s a little different,” she said.

“It’s a Dr. Bram thing,” you said with a shrug. “Can we please be done with the awkwardness around here? I don’t think any of us can take anymore.”

“Are you going to wear a hat in this house anymore?” she asked.

“I…” you said, fingers grazing the edge of it.

“You are free to wear it, or not wear it. It’s your choice but no one is going to judge you,” she said, holding up her hand and showing the scar on the back of it.

“Thanks,” you said. “Um, is there anything you need help with? For the holidays? Like cooking or-”

“I normally put the boys in charge of making cookies...which is why I normally end up making them myself,” she said with a smile.

“I can bake some and decorate,” you said.

“Perfect. Make a good few dozen of them. We’ll have close to thirty people here for a most of the week,” she said.

“I’ll make a lot then,” you said. Dean and Sam rounded the corner with their dad, all of them a bit sweatier.

“We should head out. I have to head to Kansas City in the morning for a few…” said Dean, trailing off when his father looked at him. “A few shoots.”

“What are you shooting?” asked John.

“Dad, you really don’t care,” said Dean.

“Maybe I do,” said John with a shrug.

“A truck commercial then some farming work boots commercial. They’re back to back at the same place. It’ll still be a long two days,” said Dean.

“What kind of truck?” asked John.

“Chevy,” said Dean. “I don’t remember the boots off the top of my head. I get to keep the pair from tomorrow though.”

“Do you get to keep the truck?” asked John.

“No,” said Dean with a smile. “But I get a paycheck.”

“It sounds like you’re keeping busy,” said John. “Make sure you remember to eat something tomorrow. You always forget when you’re working hard.”

“I know,” said Dean. “I guess we should head out. We all got work in the morning.”

“Okay. We’ll see you kids soon,” said Mary. “And Sam-”

“I know. I’m over this weekend to help put up the lights,” said Sam with a smirk. “Night guys.”

“Well, that went good, right?” asked Dean as he headed for your place.

“Not at all what we had planned,” said Sam, looking over the front bench at you, flashing a big grin in your direction. “You were something else.”

“I don’t want what happened to my family to happen to yours,” you said, staring out the window. “Did that thing with the fire really happen?”

“Yeah,” said Dean quietly. “I know I twisted it in there. I know I wasn’t left behind. I know a firefighter dragged him out of the house but it just…”

“You don’t have to explain,” you said as you pulled up outside your place. “You guys both have work early. I think you should stay at your place tonight.”

“Kicking me out?” teased Dean.

“Maybe when you come back you can have a drawer,” you said, giving him a wink and Dean biting his bottom lip in return.

“Oh God, you two are disgusting,” said Sam, fake gagging in the passenger seat.

“I’ll take you up on that drawer,” said Dean, leaning back in his seat to give you a kiss.

“Text me,” you said when you sat back. “Sam too.”

“Alright, alright. Now get that cute tush out of here so I can watch it walk to your door,” he said.

“Night boys.”

A/N: Read Part 10 here!

TAGS CLOSED

@homeorbust​ @team-free-gallagher @waywardrose13 @dean-winchesters-bacon @deansgirl215 @booski91 @spnskinnyballs @gh0stgurl @newtospnfandom @hunterswearingplaid @jayankles @mlovesstories @roxyspearing @mirandaaustin93 @laceyn-1201 @rahma29417 @extreme-supernatural-lover @mrswhozeewhatsis @gallifreyansass @closetspngirl @ms-mags @jen-tiamo @atc74

[gretehart]

Important Updates: Patreon, Commissions, Etc

Heyo my dudes!!

The holidays are upon us, which means New Years is steadily waiting around the corner to ambush us & steal our lunch money  ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ With 2019 readying its bat, I've got a lot of plans upcoming, and want to share them with everyone!

These updates are pretty important, so I recommend reading them (or at the very least skimming LOL)

Patreon: $100 goal reached (Again!)

So thanks to Patrons, I've reached back up to my $100/month goal, Which, fortunately for all of you guys, means I will be back on streaming every friday night! This weekly stream will begin starting in the new year, due to the holidays (I wouldnt be able to start before then even if I wanted to) Weekly freebie streams will begin on January 4th (unless something comes up), so stay tuned!!!

And a reminder; if I make it to $250 (the next goal), Patrons can start sending me their requests for freebie stream without having to be present for the stream itself!

Holiday Freebie Stream When?

I know I normally do a christmas/holiday stream just like for Halloween, but I dont have any info on when I will start said stream! The reason being is because Im still waiting to hear from my job what days we may (or may not) have off the week of Christmas and the week of New Year

My idea is to (hopefully) have the stream on the 22nd of December, so it can be all day and not exactly during the holidays (so people have a chance to make it to the stream)

This isnt official yet, but I will let you all know as soon as I can!!

Commissions: Refunds & Break!

(Please read this if I owe you a commission!!)

This is a pretty big change for me, but lately i've been absolutely swamped with work, both in and outside of artwork. Commissions, Patreon Rewards, Trades, and other things have been stacking up and I think its time to take a break.

From now through the rest of the month & thru  January, I will finish what little I can on my list, start refunding people their money, and closing Commissions for the time being. Larger commissions will be refunded while smaller, easier commissions will either be finished or refunded as well!

Once those are taken care of in one manner or the other, I will be closing commissions temporarily. I want to start the new year focusing on Patreon stuff & more personal projects. I doubt commissions will be closed permanently, and I may just take a commission every so often during said break, but for the most part they will be closed/on hold!

Of course I will let you guys know when commissions are open, but until then \o/ expect more personal stuff (hopefully!)

Art Trades: Closing/ Close friends only!

This is mostly for artists that agreed to do an art trade with me, and I greatly apologize in advance

I wont be able to finish the art trades with whats all on my plate, and even after clearing out the commissions there will still be a lot to do and I cant handle taking on trades from others. I will be closing trades and leaving them to close friends only ! This may change in the future, and I will let you guys know if thats the case!

Instagram: Made!

So finally after forever of saying I'd make one, I have my official Instagram account up and running!

https://www.instagram.com/gretelynk/

I of course have next to nothing on it, but will work on it more and more through the days and hopefully have a fully functional page going on for those who want to follow me on there! I dont know much about Insta but Ill learn as I go ♥

Patreon/Twitch Discord: Coming in 2019!

Yes indeedy! I will have a Discord server set up for Patrons and Twitch subscribers coming the new year!

I asked a little while ago on Patreon if I should make a server, and a lot of people said yes, so its gonna be a thing! I'm already working out the kinks with the server (with the help of some close friends) With the Discord server, itll be easier to communicate with Patrons & Subbers about new content, streams, and many other stuff!

The server won't be public unfortunately, BUT that may change in the future! We shall see!!

In the meantime, Patrons keep an eye out for the invite link in the new year ♥

More projects coming soon

Honestly I've got a lot planned for 2019 and I really hope to actually flesh them out this time around.

One main thing I want to work on are keychains and charms! Nox and I got materials, a new printer, and even a laminator to make keychains, charms, and other things too! Its something I've wanted to do for a while now, and I think the new year is a good time to finally start!

I'd also like to (possibly) make more cork board designs, since those were a lot of fun to do ~ But thats only a possibility of a project; nothing set in stone.

Another thing I really wanna dive into are my own personal characters & stories. Now i doubt I will have any sort of story/series out, but just to be able to draw my own characters in my spare time would be nice. And who knows, I may have some ideas to flesh out in the near future!

There are some other projects I have in mind but nothing that I can really reveal at this time But stay tuned regardless!!

That should be it as far as updates and important info goes!

I'll be reaching out to Commissioners about their refunds & requests soon

Patrons be sure to keep an eye out for other exclusive updates coming up and to everyone else; you are all amazing and I couldn't have gotten this far as an artist without all of you ♥♥♥

Thank you all so so much

[loki-the-odd]

Once Upon A December II

Plot: Loki created a copy of himself before he died at the hands of Thanos. A physical copy of his Jotun form, with no memories of who he was, all he knew was his name and his race. Nothing else. Tony goes back in time from a terrible future of Thanos ruling the galaxy to find Loki and has to help him put back the pieces of his puzzle together so that he can help save the universe. They make their way to Norway to find Thor, who now spent his day morning his family and waiting for his death. Hope start to rise within Loki to discover his past, but a third sibling appers from the dust to take back what is rightfully hers. Will they come together to save the universe, or will they start a new war and die as forgotten hero's?

Rating: Teen for now

Warnings: Spoilers for Infinity War and Thor Ragnarok. Stabbing. Choking. Near death experience.

I put a kettle on the stove. It had been four years since I had been found in the woods that night. I still remembered it like it was yesterday.

"How did you get here?" I asked the stranger that called himself Tony. He seemed so strange. He had black hair, but his skin was a strange whitish color. It almost made him look sick. And he had a blue glow in his chest? This stranger screamed dangerous and every second he sat at the small table, I wish that I had turned him away, or at least helped him to Alexi's house. Alexi was healer. He had been the one to help me. Maybe in the morning I could take Tony to him? I opened a cabinet and sighed. I was almost out of food. I needed to go to the market. Except I didn't like going out in public. I tried to delay going out as much as possible. Though that was hard enough, given that my job was to perform in front of all of Jotunheim. When I learned of auditions for a new show, I went to try out. I needed a job and I kinda liked the thought of being on stage. I always got the part of some stupid fairy or such, due to the fact I was only half the size of a giant, but the job was still fun. And sometimes I got to sing. Acting didn't pay much, but it paid rent, so I'm not complaining.

"That's a long story. One I'd rather share at a different time." Tony watched as I pulled out a wooden box. "What's that?"

"Tea leaves. They're mint. I hope you don't mind?" I asked him.

"Pepper liked mint..."

"Pardon?" Who was Pepper? Was she his mate?

"N-Nothing! Mint is fine. I just need something warm." It hit me like a load of bricks. He was cold! Frost giants got a bit chilled now and then, but never enough to do harm. Oh dear, what if he dies?! Then everyone will hate me even more. Oh I could hear them now. Nice going Loki! You killed the first person that came to you for help!

"I have some warmer clothes if you want some?" I didn't really have a lot of coats, but being an actor had it's perks. My latest role I played a prince of the fairys and I had to wear a thick fur coat. Hopefully it would fit the man that was now sitting at the table.

"Shoulda said so earlier." He snapped. I ignored him and put the leaves in the now boiling water. I went to my room and opened my closet. My room wasn't anything special, it was just a bed and a chair I had been given by Alexi. I grabbed my warmest clothes and started to walk to the kitchen. I paused in my bedroom doorway and looked at my nightstand. In the small drawer sat a small knife. Well, small for frost giants, perfect size for me. After debating, I hid the knife under the sweater I wore over my shirt. I got a lot colder then most, not too cold, but still. A lot more then others, so I often wore sweaters and scarfs.

As I walked back into the kitchen, the kettle whistled. Tony covered his ears and turned to me. His eyes were wild and I screamed as he launched himself at me. I ran back to my room, shutting the door and locked it. I took out my knife and started looking around my room. The man was thin but he was defenitly strong. It wouldn't be long before the door would be broken down. I pushed the nightstand in front of the door and ran to my window. I tried to open it, but it was frozen shut. I let out a cry of frustration when it wouldn't budge. Using my knife, I broke the glass and crawled out. I had many cuts on me and my clothes were torn, but I didn't care. The adrenaline kept me from feeling pain. I ran towards the village. I lived on the outskirts of town, but it wasn't too far if I ran fast enough.

"HELP ME! PLEASE! SOMEONE!" I screamed. Tears were running down my face as I saw the lights get closer. I didn't hear someone running behind me and suddenly I was tackled to the ground. He started choking me and I gasped for air. I shut my eyes and tried to scream. Only small noises came out. Suddenly an image flashed before my eyes. A gold hand, a purple man, burning bodies... What was this?

Suddenly the hands left my throat and I rolled over, coughing furiously. I opened my eyes and saw a small amount of blood on the ground. I looked back over at Tony.

"Shit, shit. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't-" He crawled closer to me and reached out to touch me.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MONSTER!" I screamed at him, tears blurring my vision. I looked for my knife and stood up. I screamed again as I felt a pain in my side and looked down. The knife was buried in my hip and blood was spilling. I removed it and tried to run to the village. I cried out for help and felt arms around me. Tony was saying something but I didn't know what. I tried to push him away but my strength was fading quickly. I close my eyes and accept my fate, when suddenly a large shadow ran towards us. The form picked me up gently after pushing Tony away.

"Are you okay?!" Asked a female voice. I shook my head and pointed at my wound. I closed my eyes as she grabbed some snow and put it on my hip. She rushed me back to town.

"Don't fall asleep, runt. We're almost at the healers house." She said quickly. Sleep was tugging at me when I heard a door burst open and my eyes flew open as I took in my surroundings.

"Alexi! A runt has been attacked by some rabid creature!" Alexi came out from a room.

"Loki!" He grabbed me and set me on a table. "What trouble have you gotten yourself into now?" He asked sadly. He start to remove my clothes to get a good look at me. "This is gonna hurt. Vaya, find some cloth for him to bite." The giant named Vaya grabbed a brown piece of fabric and handed it to me. "This is gonna hurt. A lot. Just don't fall asleep, alright?"

Dawn was starting to break when Alexi finally finished helping me.

"You need to stay off that leg for awhile. You should be thankful you won't need it removed." He started to wash off his hands. "This is my sister Vaya, by the way. She lives on the other side of the realm." I nodded at her. "Now how did this happen?"

I told him everything. How the man showed up in the middle of the night, how he attacked me, how I escaped.

"That explains the glass I found in your foot." He commented. "Who was this Thanos he spoke of?"

"I don't know. The name seems... familer. But I do not know anyone by that name."

"Maybe it was someone you knew before you lost your memory?" He suggested.

"Wouldn't I have remembered him after hearing the name though?" When I had been found, I didn't know anything about my past. I knew my name, but that was all. Alexi said that it might have been head trauma that caused my memory loss, but when he examined me, my head was fine. I had brusies, but other then that I had no other ailments.

"Not always. Sometimes you need to hear things many times before you start to remember." I tried to sit up, but pain shot through me. "Relax. I'll take you to a spare bed. I'll take you home tomorrow." He paused. "Unless you would prefer to stay here?"

I bit my lip. "That might not be a bad idea. I think Tony probably went back to the house. Unless the wolves got to him first." I didn't really know which to hope for. I didn't want him to die, but I didn't really want him alive either.

"Vaya, go to Lokis house. It's about half a mile away from here and it should be the only house on the edge of town. Go look for the man called Tony." Vaya nodded and walked out the door to do as her brother asked. Alexi helped me to get into a spare bed.

"I'm going to have to quit the show, huh?" I groaned.

"I'm afraid unless you're a God and can heal yourself in time, that you will indeed have to quit." I sighed.

"Jobs for runts aren't easy to come by." while I did get quite a lot of theatre roles, there wasn't much else I could do. Especially if I needed to keep from walking. Like I said, theatre paid the rent, but it didn't pay much else. I had to buy the costumes I wore and I had to buy food and supplies to stay alive, so I had another job as a streets sweaper.

"Wait until tomorrow to start stressing over money. Right now, just focus on resting." He set me down on a large bed and pulled the covers over me. I closed my eyes as soon as my head touched the pillow and finally let sleep envelop me.

Reblogs and notes are always appreciated and motivate me to keep uodating! Stay lovely!!

[confringo-]

2019 Goals Update

Check it out. I’m procrastinating again with another blog. I’m supposed to be editing my novel right now but I’m not because I like to self-sabotage myself by avoiding the work I need to do to avoid feeling the deep sting of failure at my poor writing choices. 

Here we go! 

Health Goals

1. Lose 10 inches from my waistline by the end of the year.

5 inches by June

5 inches by December

I’m not doing too well with this. I’ll tell you more about why that is in a later section, if you get that far. The short of it all is that there were days that were Too Much for me and I just shut down. A suicide prevention workshop that took more out of me than I expected. My sister’s birthday that my mom tried to ruin with her “Family First” bullshit. I lost a little bit off the waistline, true, but I haven’t been consistent. Hopefully, being unemployed for a little while will help me get into the habit of exercise. 

2. Learn to cook 6 vegan meals (not snacks)

One meal every two months, I said. And here I am. Still no progress. I mean, I’ll have all the time in the world for a couple of months so we’ll see what will happen. Mom wants me to go do driving lessons (Hey whaddup I’m Joey I’m 25 and I never learned how to drive) so I’ll be out and about. That’s my one big problem with cooking/baking these days. Going out is such a chore. I don’t want to look at people after dealing with People for a whole work week. 

Now, the excuses will be off the table. Shit. 

3. Clean room while listening to a  new Night Vale episode podcast.

I’ve actually been doing this! It’s not the best system but I have been keeping the clutter from getting too much. I’ve been listening to Hannahlyze This and they’re doing this whole arc of episodes surrounding perfectionism and it’s been very helpful. Anyway, I marie kondo-ed the fuck out of my closet (for the most part) and it’s a lot less crazy in my room. This month has been difficult but I still have a couple of days to do my second round of cleaning. 

Writing Goals

1. Finish HSHL (His Smile, His Laugh) by June 30th, 11:59PM

Listen, I’m more behind than I care to admit but I’m also going at this faster than I expected. It’s weird. Part of me thinks I should’ve been done by this month, another part of me realizes that, all things considered, I’m doing well. I hate to admit that I’ll only be able to finish this novel because I won’t have a job in May or in June. It’s like I can never fully admit to being a Big Boi Writer because I haven’t done what most writers have done: Write a Book While Holding Down a Regular Nine-to-Five. 

But I think I blogged before about using what advantages I have. Right now, it’s Mommy’s Money. No matter what, I’ll be a writer. I write stories, I let people read them. I’m a writer. I have to tell my pride to ease off because my confidence can’t breathe in this kind of environment. 

I’m taking this very seriously. If I don’t have a finished product by June after a literal month of unemployment, I’m going to be disappointed.

2. Submit draft to AT LEAST 25 agents starting July 15th.

3. Submit 3 stories to 10 journals/magazines

Okay for these two, I can’t say much of it because I still have to do the first one, but soon! 

4. Finish “Julian’s Body” by February 28, 11:59PM

5. Finish “Forgive My Weakness” by January 31, 11:59PM

The first goals I did this year. I want to brush them off as easy and I don’t want to talk about how difficult it was to finish them both before my deadlines. But we’re not doing that. I’m going to allow myself to be proud of what I accomplished with those fics. I wrote them, I started my novel, I went to work. I did that. I’m capable and I shouldn’t take that away from myself. 

6. Read at least one book/full lit mag/journal per month.

I almost jerked it this month because I thought I could read the Dungeon Master’s Guide from cover to cover. I realized quite early that it read like a textbook. I hate textbooks. Still, I powered through and took what I could get. I read most of it. I set up a decent campaign for a couple of friends. Hopefully they’ll enjoy it. That shit ain’t easy. I will cry if they end up getting bored. 

This month I’m also reading Alice Isn’t Dead by Joseph Fink. I started reading it yesterday and I’m more than halfway through. See the difference between a textbook about creating a fictional world, and actual fictional world. 

Actual Fictional World. Huh.

Work Goals

As of writing this, I’m resigning in one day. It’s a bittersweet feeling since it’s been such a huge part of my life and the people I met along the way have been amazing and I’ll miss them. At the same time, I’m so tired of dealing with everyone’s bullshit. I learned that I’m not someone for a managerial position. 

Although, I’ve got something down the line (it’s dark and murky and I have no idea if it’s actually there) that might mean another job like that but I hope that it doesn’t deal with the same issues. 

1. Set up QA team by April 1st, 12:00PM

Got that off its feet and it’s doing fine. Right now it’s still in the infancy stage and things still need to change but I’ve gotten the ball to roll. The people handling this situation are far better suited to make this baby fly. 

2. Set up monthly incentive program by April 1st, 12:00PM

3. Set up phone rep incentive by April 1st, 12:00PM

Do you know how hard it is to start an incentive program? Pretty fuckin hard, m8. Alas, I failed these two. Or rather, I didn’t have time to get them started. I was tired of work. I was unable to ignite the tiniest bit of motivation to even work up the brainpower it requires to persuade the higher ups to see what the account needs. Besides, the QA program is still figuring itself out. That needs to become solid before we can do anything else. I could’ve stayed a couple months longer but I just couldn’t stomach it any longer than May. 

4. Do minimum 4 writing workshops at Spark

Okay, I’ve got an idea of a lesson plan ready. I’ve got Real Life Reference Material. And I have unemployment waiting for me. All I have to do now is set it up and make it a real thing. 

Money Goals

1. Get new debit card from BPI by April 17th, 12:00PM

I had to change it to April 17th because of...me not wanting to leave the house and actually do this. Goals can change. As far as my other goals, this is bottom priority. Still, I had to do it. My new card doesn’t arrive until the 8th so I won’t be able to make any changes to my patreon, spotify, and amazon. 

That means I can’t finish my clearance at my soon-to-be ex-company and that may delay my final pay. Regardless, it’s the set cards I chose to be dealt with. I wouldn’t have had to wait so long if I’d done this in March but here we are. No use crying about that now. At least it’s done. 

2. Pay mom back for treadmill by end of year.

I’m mad at my mom for personal reasons. Still, I’ll look into paying her shortly. It depends on the money situation the next few months. Again, bottom priority. And, as of this moment, I can’t be arsed to feel any sense of urgency around this. 

Five months in and the year is shaping up at little bit. I’m not where I want to be or where I imagined myself to be but I’m getting there. And I’m gonna be unemployed so honestly I can’t escape any farther. 

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Rio

Buster: Can't get over how you spoilt me Buster: Gutted it's only one a year like Rio: I did alright then? Good, you deserve as much Rio: You're not that posh, only the Queen gets two, like Buster: Gotta step up my game if you reckon that Buster: Poshest normally, ain't it? Loving and hating it from me Rio: I would've got you more but as per you're awkward 😉 Rio: At least your birthday isn't December so you still get a Christmas, people take the piss, it is NOT near enough that one gift covers it 😤😂 Buster: No arguments that you love that Buster: I promise I won't do you that way, babe Buster: So what are we doing to keep the party vibes going? Rio: 😘 Good to know you plan on sticking around that long Rio: Purely for the gift, of course Rio: I was thinking we could go to Amuse on Dawson Street Rio: You'll like it Rio: Grace wants to babysit but Jay could go to my fams so there's more people than just her to keep an eye Rio: if you're up for it? Buster: 'Course. Gotta top your Gucci and it's not like your birthday's that late into December, not as if you're tying me down until summer Buster: Yeah? Buster: Sounds as though it's a decent plan to me Rio: You so don't, the Gucci covers about 10 years of presents probably, I'm set 😍 Rio: Good, 'cos I've got reservations already so I was hoping you'd say that Rio: Not really Indie's speed or part of my plan to be the sad single diner Buster: Yeah I do, I was going subtle there, that's the opposite to how birthday's should be Buster: How long have I got to make myself look irresistible? Rio: Don't worry, you've got plenty more to come yet Rio: about an hour, time to get Jay snoozing too, so you won't miss any time with her Rio: all part of my master plan Buster: You've proper thought of everything Rio: Did you doubt me? Buster: Not for a second Buster: But bonus points for not getting distracted about how grateful I'm gonna be Rio: Its definitely a nice bonus Rio: but today and tonight is all about you Buster: Fuck Buster: As much as I wanna be all smooth about how nothing pleases me more than pleasing you, how can I refuse like Buster: Still gotta, 'cause where's the fun in giving in, yeah? Rio: I don't mind the challenge, nah Rio: I'll be easy enough for the two of us Buster: Don't get a day off when it's a chore Buster: not* Rio: Ugh, stop being so perfect Buster: Can't Buster: No sorry though Rio: Me either Rio: Can't lie Buster: Are you gonna surprise me with what you're wearing or do I get a sneak peak now? Rio: Definitely a surprise Rio: What birthdays are all about Buster: Fair, like also unfair but Rio: What you gonna do? Still gotta be a good boy and have your mains before your dessert, even on your Birthday Buster: I'm never that good, birthday or not Rio: True 😂 Rio: Who am I kidding? Rio: Good's no fun unless I'm being good for you Buster: 😈 Rio: Wish it could stay like this always Rio: just us and her Buster: Me too Buster: Don't think she'd be mad about it either Rio: Shame kidnapping is so frowned upon Buster: So are we though Buster: Maybe we should just say fuck it Rio: Oh, I forgot to mentioned illegal Rio: That too Buster: I'll run rings around the law with my knowledge, no worries Rio: Fair Rio: I believe it Buster: It's why I love you Buster: All the faith in me Rio: Oh Rio: No fair, you surprised me with that one Rio: Say it again though Buster: I love you Rio: How much Buster: So fucking much Buster: I'll show you Rio: Patience Rio: I'm trying to be nice and respectable Rio: Buy you dinner first Buster: Patience is for people that are waiting for something better Buster: I've got the best here Buster: Buy me dinner in the middle Rio: Get on your knees and start praying we have an unobservant driver, baby Buster: I'll get on my knees for you but there's no need to waste time praying unless you wanna treat me like a god, babe Buster: Throw enough money about and you can have all the privacy you want Rio: You know I will Rio: Having you throwing out all the blessing and curses, trust Buster: Yeah? Buster: We'll see Rio: You will Rio: I already know all the things I'm gonna do for you Buster: That a surprise too? Rio: Depends how well you know me Rio: and I know you, and what you want Rio: doesn't it Buster: Fucking hell, just 'cause I'm another year older doesn't mean you can kill me Rio: I'm just being nice daddy 😇 Buster: Says you Rio: So mean! 😾 What can I do to make you happy? Buster: Thought you didn't have to try, babe Rio: I don't have to Rio: I want to Buster: Fuck Buster: Well how can I say no to that Rio: Please don't Rio: I want you so bad Buster: How bad Rio: This much Rio: [Sends nude] Rio: Doesn't count as a spoiler because I'm not dressed yet Buster: I don't hate spoilers you know that Buster: I want you to want me more than ever Buster: And 'cause it's my birthday you have to grant my wish Rio: You typically get three Rio: but you know you can have it all when it comes to me Rio: Just let me know Buster: Good. I want everything Rio: You already got it daddy Buster: [Sends a pic that also isn't spoilers] Buster: So do you Rio: I can't Rio: how do you get me even hotter when I was already about to explode Buster: Must be how well I know you Buster: So that answers that Rio: Wanna come in here and get to know me better? Rio: Ugh, I'm dead Buster: 'Course Buster: But I'd hate to ruin the surprise of how good you're looking Rio: No you wouldn't Rio: but you love teasing me, that's for sure Buster: Maybe Rio: See? Can't help yourself Buster: Do you really want me to? Rio: Hmm Rio: Not yet Rio: You'll know when I'm ready for the real thing Buster: Good Rio: Speaking of, how you getting on? Buster: Jay's good to go and I'm working on it Rio: Awwh Rio: She's so adorable Buster: [Sends a selfie of him and Jay] Buster: Not a spoiler 'cause she's pulling focus off my look Rio: 😍 Rio: Such a heartbreaker Rio: You're so lucky Buster: I know Buster: I'm gonna take her over to Grace and co now, they've said it's alright Rio: Good stuff Rio: Want me to meet you there Rio: I won't come in, obviously Buster: I was gonna say Buster: Don't get spotted like Buster: Jay'll fall asleep in the car as standard so hopefully I won't be long dropping her off Rio: Been doing this long enough Rio: I think I know what I'm doing, boy Rio: Come here if you like then Buster: I trust you Buster: Come to me Rio: Yes sir Buster: I can't wait to see you Rio: Me either Rio: Even though it hasn't been that long since I was there Rio: I still missed you Buster: Yeah. It feels long to me Buster: Shame I can't just move you in Rio: Parents might have something to say about that when they show up Buster: Indie too, but for different reasons Rio: Room for a little one? Rio: Can basically hear her already Buster: Same Buster: She's worse at shutting up than even you are Rio: I'll tell her that Buster: Please do Buster: Her heart eyes kill me for a different reason that yours, trust me Rio: Look how well being a dick worked on me tho 😜 Buster: And Chlo Buster: Maybe not then Rio: Mhmm Rio: Oh the dangers of being too damn irresistible Rio: No one warned you, did they? 😂 Buster: You could've, but nah Rio: Selfish? Me? Buster: Never. You're such a giver Buster: And about to prove it like Rio: You know it Buster: I love it Rio: So, far as Birthdays go Rio: Not bad? Buster: I've had worse Rio: I'll take it Buster: Don't worry, I've still got more to give you Rio: I love you Buster: I love you too Rio: Oh, forgot to say Rio: We're on double celebrations tonight Buster: Yeah? Rio: I got a new job! Rio: Better one Buster: I didn't doubt it would be Buster: Well done, babe Rio: Yeah, club promotion stuff, basically Rio: It'll be more fun at any rate Buster: You won't be begging me to distract you on the night's when the pub is dead Rio: Gutted? Buster: It'll save your ego at least Rio: I ain't never too proud to beg babe Buster: Well I'm proud of you babe Buster: This job is gonna be good for you I reckon Rio: I know it ain't a career like but Rio: every little helps when you ain't a brainbox Buster: Shut up Buster: You're well smart Rio: Not like you lot, you and Nance and Junie Buster: You are Buster: Full package and don't forget it Rio: It's cool, I work what I got Rio: but you're cute Buster: You have brains too Buster: Being academic and smart ain't the same thing Buster: You wouldn't call Indie thick, would you? Rio: Of course not Buster: Well then Buster: I'm not hearing it about you Rio: 🙊 Rio: Not another word Buster: Good Buster: You keep up with me, that should tell you everything you need to know about how smart you are Buster: Not to mention everything you saw through about me Rio: That's just people Rio: and I've met all sorts Buster: What happened to not another word? Rio: I can't let you just say all this stuff and say nothing Rio: You could say anything next 😜 Buster: So what? Buster: You're not scared are you? Rio: Never Buster: You already know I love you what could be scarier than that like Rio: Going back to the bullshit Rio: Or you stopping Buster: Not gonna happen Buster: Don't worry Rio: Then I ain't Buster: Me either Rio: Ready Buster: I'll come and grab you Rio: Yeah, yeah Rio: Wish you would Buster: Don't waste the wish Buster: Already guaranteed Buster: Could literally carry you away before any of your fam sees you. You're so small Rio: I am not Rio: You're just big Buster: Yeah I am but you're also small Rio: 😡 Ain't you heard what they say about short girls? Rio: I'll fuck you up Buster: Yeah? Is that promise or a threat? Rio: A bonafide guarantee if you carry on Buster: Then you know I have to Buster: You're so fucking hot Rio: Take my rage seriously! 😏 Buster: Believe me I am Buster: It's just seriously sexy Rio: Perv Buster: I can be Buster: If that's how you want it Rio: Better be Rio: Keep up with me, boy Buster: Not about to stop now like Buster: Got a rep here Rio: and I weren't promised no gentleman Buster: Just as well 'cause I've arrived in his place

[just-jordie-things]

Like She’s Mine (part four) - Stiles Stilinski

wow i got such immediate feedback when i posted part three guys, I thought my phone would literally blow up ur all amazing xx

part one part two part three

warnings: swearing, pregnancy, sadness, lots of time jumping i hope it’s not too confusing

PART FOUR (august)

“SHIT!” I screamed, whipping the apron over my head, and quickly untying it from behind my back.  Allison came running into the store from the back room.

“What? What? What’s going on?” She asked.

“Can you drive me to the airport?” I asked, hanging up the apron and checking my hair in my phone’s camera.

“Sure when-”

“Now” I said.  Allison’s eyes widened.

“N-now-?”

“Stiles is flying out today” I begged.  “Please, please, if Lou catches us, I swear Alli, I will cover for you, I will tell her it’s all my fault, please let me say goodbye” Allison sighed, bouncing on her foot for a moment.  The undoing the knot of her apron.

“Fine.  But you owe me coffee for a week”

“Deal!”

The car ride to the airport was ten minutes.  It was 4:15 now, and Stiles left at 4:30.  My legs were shaking, no, my whole body was shaking.

“Alli, when I next see him, I will have had a baby” Allison parked the car, and looked down at her phone.

“y/n we’ve got six minutes!” She yelled.  We ran out of the car and sprinted through the airport.  “What gate!?” Allison yelled.

“15b!” I said back.  

“y/n we’re not going to make it on time!”

“Yes we will!” I was panting.  Just as we passed 15a, I could see him.  The tall boy with messy soft brown hair.  He was turning, looking everywhere.  A blue paper in his hand, and bags by his feet.  “Stiles!” I yelped, and he spun to look at me.

“y/n!” He called back.  I ran faster until I jumped and was in is arms.  My legs were around his waist and he held me tightly against him.  “I thought you weren’t coming” He cried into my hair.  I shook my head, pulling back and looking at him.  I stood flat on my feet, my arms still wound around his neck.

“Of course I came of course” I cupped his face between my hands for a moment, before letting them fall to his shoulders.  “I couldn’t let you leave me for a year without saying goodbye Stiles”

“If you tell me right now, I’ll stay I swear I’ll figure something else-”

“No, no Stiles I’ve told you all summer this is what you were meant for” You said, rubbing his shoulders slightly.  “And you’re gonna come back next summer, and you’re gonna have the first step of becoming a detective done” I wiped my eyes and stared at him.  “Stiles, I know I’ve told you a thousand times but I’m so incredibly proud of you, this is what you’ve always wanted, and you’ve actually achieved it.  You’ve done amazing, really” He hugged me again tight, and I silently cried, not wanting him to know how much it really hurt.

“Promise me you’ll keep in touch” I nodded.

“Of course”

“And when I come back we’ll pick right back up”

“Stiles it’s not a long distance relationship” I said, laughing through a breath.

“But it is, I just don’t want anything to change” I closed my eyes tight, buying my face further against him.

“Then it won’t” I hummed.

“Take care of Scott for me, Allison can’t handle him on her own” I chuckled slightly, and pulled away, seeing Stiles laugh quietly too.  The brunette a few feet behind me smiled bashfully, and walked up to us.

“Now boarding flight six to DC!”

“That’s you” I said softly, gesturing to the gate.

“Yeah that’s me” He responded.  I hugged him once more, and he squeezed me so tight I almost feared for the baby.  I could tell Allison practically read my mind.

“Alright alright me too” She said quickly, and Stiles released me to give her a hurried side hug.

“Miss you Stilinski”

“You too Argent” He looked at me again, and I gave a small wave.

“I’ll see you later Stiles” I said softly.  He waved back, putting on his backpack, picking up his duffel, and extending the handle of his suitcase.

“You better keep in touch with me y/n”

“Promise” I said, crossing an x over my heart.  I watched as he turned and walked up to the gate, handing the man at the desk his blue ticket.  The man stamped it, handed it back to him, and Stiles made his way onto the plane.  Tears welled in my eyes again.

“Oh, honey” Allison came forward, wrapping her arms around me, and hugging me gently.  “You’ve got me and Scott” She whispered as I cried onto her shoulder.  “We’ll take good care of you” She murmured.  “Whatever you need, we’re here for you, always” I nodded, holding my arms tight around her.  “I told you once how much I loved you and I’m going to give you the support you need, and I still will, I always will”

“Thank you, Allison”

FOUR MONTHS LATER (december)

Apparently, you become a whale six months into a pregnancy.  Yes, of course I knew I’d inflate like a blimp, but god, this was ridiculous.  I gave all my converse and any boots I had to tie to Allison and Lydia.  I couldn’t bend over to tie laces anymore.  My life was quite restricted these days.  Sleeping on my back every night.  No more long showers, my feet would hurt.  I gave up on fashion, because god knows nothing cute fit, and maternity clothes were too expensive to deal with.  I lived in sweats.  I barely went out, too nervous someone would recognize me.  After I found out that I was having a girl, I told Lou about the pregnancy. I was now on maternity leave.

Did I mention I got that apartment? It’s nice, because it’s basically a tiny house.  One floor, and a few rooms.  Two bedrooms, two baths, a nice kitchen connected to the dining room, and a pretty spacious living room.  It wasn’t overly expensive, but it put a slight dent in my bank account.  But once I get the ball rolling, get my job back, and stop having to take thirty pills a day, then I’ll be back on my feet.  Hopefully I can see them at the end of all of this.

Allison and I have been looking through many files of parents who want to adopt.  Here and there I’ll see a nice looking family, but it just never seemed good enough.  I wanted the best for my little girl. and as bitter as it sounds, a family could have five stars, but the mother’s smile could be just slightly downturned, and I’d throw the file away.  Allison would give me a look, but she never mentioned the way I judged the new parents of my child.

I mean, their child, that I was just carrying.

“Honey I’m home!” Allison called with a giggle as she entered the apartment.  She didn’t really live here, but when she wasn’t staying at home or with Scott, you’d find her here.  I smiled and waved from where I lay on my back on the couch.  She set her purse down at the kitchen table and kicked her shoes off by the door.  “How was the day?” The brunette asked.  I barely saw her walking into the kitchen.

“You look nice” I said as I caught a glimpse of her navy blue skirt and red short sleeved knit sweater.  A short sleeved sweater.  Only Alli could make it look normal.

“Yeah I’m going out with Scott tonight, just went on a tiny shopping spree” She said, coming into the living room with a glass of water in one hand and a chocolate chip cookie in the other.  “I’m eating your cookies by the way” She announced, mouth already full.  I shrugged, rubbing my hands over my belly.

“They only sounded good for an hour.  I ate one and was satisfied” I asid.  Allison grinned.

“Good, cause there’s like ten left and they’re really good” i smiled and waved my hand dismissively.

‘Thanks, they’re all yours” I said, and she jumped slightly.  I shook my head as the water came out of her glass and droplets fell onto the carpet.

“Sorry-”

“It’s just water” I said, waving my hand again.

“So how’s baby Allison?” She asked, walking closer and inspecting my stomach.

“We’re not naming her that- we’re not naming her at all” I half scolded, dragging my hands down my face.  Allison frowned.

“Why not? What have we got to lose?”

“Because when you name something, you get attached.  Personally, I can’t afford to get attached to her, so we’re not naming her” Allison sighed.

“Fine” She said, taking another bite from her cookie.  “But I’m still calling her Allison” I rolled my eyes.

“Can you do me a favor and hand me my phone?” I asked, reaching my hand out towards the coffee table where it sat, just out of reach.  Allison nodded, giving it to me.  Five missed texts.  Two from Lydia, one from Stiles.

“I’m gonna go do my hair” Allison announced, heading to the bathroom as I went through my messages.

Lydia: heya girly! How’s the little girly Lydia: (also don’t tell Alli but her name would have been Lydia, not Allison)

I rolled my eyes.  Don’t they get I can’t keep her? She can’t be named.  I clocked on Stiles’ chat.

Stiles: morning sunshine Stiles: you’re probably sleeping.  You have been a lot lately I hope you’re not up all night on your internet college Stiles: I miss you I wish you were here.  Wanna ft later?

I texted back. Saying I was busy with work today, and that I wouldn’t be able to catch a long enough break.  He responded immediately.

Stiles: that means we’re texting all night then, I hope you’ve got K cups left cause you’ll need the caffeine.

I told him that it sounded good, and I’d mark it down in my schedule.  Then again saying that he should get back to class because I knew he was sneaking his phone.

After that I just scrolled through my social media.  Not a lot was there, seeing that I’d just done this a few hours ago, but hey, it was a way to pass the time.  I’d already finished my online classes for the day, and grew bored.  Not a lot for a pregnant girl to do.  Just lay down, watch tv, marvel at how large I’ve gotten, shower shortly, cry while eating ice cream, and pass out randomly.

At least I wasn’t puking anymore.

Eventually I’d gotten myself off the couch, and walked back to my room.  I sunk into the bed, and stuck my feet out in the air.  I laughed to myself at the fact I could only see the blue toes.  Allison painted them last week much to my protests.  She didn’t think that me saying ‘I can’t see them what’s the point?’ was a liable excuse not to do it.  But I chuckled as I continued rocking, sticking my feet out over and over and laughing bitterly.

I did this until I felt a slight pushing sensation in my stomach.  My eyes widened, and a small smile pulled on my lips.  I held my hands over my stomach, feeling another push.

It was a kick.

“You like that Madi?” I asked softly, lifting my shirt just enough to show the skin of my stomach.  I rose my feet again and quickly dropped them, earning another kick.  Tears welled in my eyes.  My little girl was kicking.  My little Madison…

“Hey y/n did you move the hair dry-” Allison walked in, hands holding a towel as she quickly rubbed her hair with it.  I froze, staring at her practically petrified.  She gave me a knowing smile, and crossed her arms.  She looked at me like she just found out my biggest secret.

“I thought we weren’t getting attached?” I whimpered, hanging my head down in my hands.

Shit.

TWO MONTHS LATER (february)

“ALLISON DRIVE FASTER!” I screamed from the backseat of her car.

Okay, rewind to a few hours ago.

Allison was eating lunch with Scott, he’d swung by my apartment to pick her up, and I promptly stayed back in my room so he wouldn't see my baby bump.  Which was actually more like fucking jupiter now.  But I still hollered a goodbye and told them to have a nice time.  I’d laid in the living room, reading a magazine on Brad and Angelina’s divorce, when suddenly-

“Did I just piss myself?” I muttered in embarrassment.  Two seconds later I could’ve sworn someone grabbed my intestines and ripped them out.  Oh no.

I’d hastily but shakily dialed Allison’s number, and told her to get me now.

“Now- now you’re having the baby?” She stuttered.  I could hear Scott yelling in the background but I was freaking out too much to care.

“Yes now and I NEED you to come drive me to the hospital!” I was crying now as the pain of the contractions just worsened.  There was a few muffled whispered that I barely caught wind off, but again I was too hurt to care if Scott knew.

“y/n, y/n we're getting in the car right now it's all going to be okay we're on our way” Allison said calmly.  I could hear the smile in her voice.

“O-okay”

“You want me to stay in the phone with you?” I nodded, before realizing she couldn't see me.

“Ye-yeah yes please yes”

She continued to coo to me, telling me it would be okay, and how there was just a few more moments before she would be here.  I never really responded, I was crying to hard and groaning to much.  I could tell it made her since but she kept her soft tone and sweet words.

I was halfway for passing out when she burst into the apartment, and the world was in slow motion around me.  Allison was grinning, as was Scott but he had eyes that held more questions than I had answers for.  

“Stay awake, stay awake it's okay” Allison’s arms wound around me, leading me out of the room and out of the apartment.

“Hurts-” I whined.

“Shh… shh it's okay” I don't really remember getting into the car.

The next thing I was conscious of was a man in a white coat setting me down into a wheelchair.  He asked me a question I didn't quite hear, and I looked to Allison.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” She said to me.  “He's asking if you want me there” I nodded.

“Please” I whispered.  Allison smiled and nodded back, quietly giving me an ‘of course’ and walking with me as I was wheeled into a room.

Screaming, a lot of screaming I almost thought I was going to die.  It legitimately felt like every bone in my body was breaking.

“y/n, y/n we just need you to take deep breaths, and push”

I didn’t even remember getting onto the cot, or holding onto Allison’s hand but I realized when she yelped.  I squeezed too hard.

“S-sorry” I panted.

“It’s okay, you’re okay, you’re doing great” She assured, squeezing my hand as well.

I think in the three hours it took, I scarred Allison in ways that were irreversible.  The doctors and horde of nurses took my baby to the nursery while I rested.  Allison was sat in one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs next to me, still holding my hand on the mattress.

“Does it feel better now?” She asked softly, holding a cool wet rag against my head.  

“Hell yes.  Don’t ever have kids, adopt mine” I chuckled, then felt a pang of regret in my chest.

“What?” Allison asked, brows furrowing in worry.  I raised a brow in silent question.  “You just looked like you were thinking, the hurting kind of thinking” Her fingers stroked gently over the back of my hand.

“Does… does it make me a bad person? Giving away a child?” Allison pondered for a moment, then shook her head.

“No.  If you truly believe you can’t give her the life we know she deserves, then no, it makes you a responsible person” I bit my lip, and her brows furrowed again.  “y/n look-”

“Miss l/n” We looked up to the door, seeing a nurse from earlier in blue scrubs, and holding a pink bundle of blankets.  “I have your baby here, would you like to hold her?” Yes.  But I didn’t answer right away, just continued to think about whether or not I was doing the right thing.  I looked over to Allison, who gave me a sweet smile, as though saying I could choose what I wanted to do.  The woman stood patiently, beginning to softly rock my little girl.

“Yes please” I answered her so quietly I was sure she didn’t hear me, but sure enough she smiled widely and came over to me, carefully placing her in my arms.  Tears grew in my eyes as I looked down at her.  She was beautiful.

She had Theo’s light eyes, but hers a much brighter blue.  Her nose was a tiny button, and her skin was fair.  I could tell her hair would grow to be like mine.

“Wow” Allison whispered next to me, and Madi- the baby’s- eyes went to her.  Instantly she giggled a small hiccup of a laugh, and held her arm out towards my face.  I admit, I cried when I reached my finger to her and she clasped her small hand around it.

“Allison she’s… she’s beautiful” I cried in a whimper.  “Is Scott still here?” I asked, rocking my girl back and forth slightly.

“Yeah, he’s waiting in the hall” She told me.

“You can let him in” I said with a small smile.

“You sure?” I nodded, and Allison stood swiftly and left the room nearly silently.

“Hi Madi” I said softly, smiling down at the girl about to fall asleep in my hold.  “You’re a beautiful little girl” I told her.  “I wish I could have more time with you, I know you’re going to be such a great kiddo” More tears fell down my face, and her smile fell.  She gave my finger a squeeze that was feather light, but noticeable.  “I hope one day-one day-” I choked.  “You’ll let me s-see you” The door opened again, and Allison was smiling, talking with her hands.

“Oh Scott she’s just ador- y/n?” Allison saw me crying and hurried over.  “Hey, hey honey what’s wrong?” She asked.  But I shook my head, unsure of the words to say.  “Hey…. shh it’s okay” She cooed softly, petting my hair, then petting my child’s bald head.  I could see Scott growing closer.  He smiled gently at me, and it was like we were at a silent understanding.  “y/n? What’s going on?” I sniffled, stroking the backs of my fingers against Madi’s face.

“I can’t give her away Alli” I said, tears still rushing down my face.  “I can’t give my little girl away”

drumroll please! aaaaaannndddd BOOM.  CONFLICT!

tagged: @morganschiebel @bunnyboo10154 and @imissyoualittlemoreeveryday

also @celestial-writing bc shes my boo AND the baby is named after her cute ass *muah* :)