#gonna go eat some lemon cake and watch run bts now

[geniuslab]

Everything Goes

→ Pairing: Namjoon x reader

→ Genre: Drabble

→ Word Count: 1.5K

→ Summary: A kind stranger joins you on a bench next to the river and shares a sandwich with you.

→ Content Warning: This fic touches on depressive and intrusive thoughts. It is in no way meant to glorify mental illness, but rather be a realistic portrayal of someone suffering from it. Please do not read this if you think there’s even a slight chance this could trigger you. But if you do read this, I hope it can give you a little bit of peace. BTS’ music has always been my place of solace, and mono holds a very special place in my heart. In a way, this is my love letter to it.

The waves lapping against the shore matched up with your breaths, in and out, in and out. It looked like it was going to rain, the dark clouds in the distance mocking your decision that morning not to bring an umbrella with you. Maybe you would melt with the rain into the bench you were sitting on and become a landmark next to the river forever.

This wasn’t the first time you’d spent your morning sitting next to the Han river; it had actually become part of your routine ever since you’d graduated university and had gotten your office job. The sound of the water overlapping itself, always flowing with no permanent destination, was calming to you. Every morning, you’d jab at your phone in the dark until your alarm turned off. With bleary eyes, you’d get dressed for work and grab your bag, debating whether you should risk getting some extra moments of sleep while on the bus. Your fatigue never really went away until you’d see the river, and even then you still always curled up on a bench like a cat about to take a nap.

Today you had your legs crossed beneath you in an almost meditative pose. The earbuds in your ears played no music, but were a great decoy if someone were to try to speak to you.

It’s not that you didn’t like talking to people, although these days your laughs and smiles seemed to be forced more than anything. But each morning, on whatever bench you could snag for your own, you would carve out your own little space next to the river where it was just for you. And in this space, you let your mind wander. It was your allowed time to think all the thoughts you’d push off during the day, a sort of mental purge in the morning before you had to shake everything off and go to work.

Sometimes, you had so many thoughts that they seemed to fight each other like a crowd of people trying to leave a venue all at the same time. Everything would cram so close together and bottleneck at the doors of your mind until a single thought would pop out. They weren’t nice thoughts when you had them. But you’d let the waves of the river guide your breathing, a slow rhythm to focus on while pandemonium reigned in your head.

Other times, you had no thoughts at all. It was as if the doors were locked completely, the hum of the crowd buzzing behind them. You didn’t have the key, so they’d just have to stay. Restless, pushing against the doors, a pressure that would only continue to build. Would the doors break under all of that weight?

Today was one of those days. You dug your nails into your the palms of your hands, waiting for the bite from the shallow cuts. The sound behind those doors was getting louder and harder to ignore. Maybe you should put some music on, if only to drown them out.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” 

You looked up at the voice and blinked. It had come from a man about your age, and he was looking down at you with his eyebrows raised. He noticed the earbuds in your ears and drew in a breath, and started gesturing toward the bench. You tugged the earbuds out and felt your cheeks heat up a little.

“There’s no music. I could hear you, I was just surprised.” You waved your hand toward the empty spot next to you. “You can sit there if you want,” you said, and inched a little over to the side. The bench was plenty big, but as with any stranger, you gave him some distance.

“Thanks.” His smile was so bright, you thought the rain clouds would evaporate. You couldn’t explain it, but he reminded you of a hot cup of tea brewed by your grandmother. Perhaps it was all of the warm, earthy tones and textures he was wearing, his big cozy sweater and brown coat making him look like the human embodiment of a teddy bear. Maybe it was his deep dimples and his soft eyes. Or maybe it was the way he almost dropped his bag when he pulled it over his head, a small exclamation slipping out of his mouth before he caught it. 

But no, you thought, it wasn’t just those things; anyone could have any number of those traits, but they didn’t give off the energy this man did. It was almost as if the air around him worked differently, like he had a bubble around him that emanated...something peaceful. Like a warm hug.

You cleared your throat and scratched your head, turning back to the river. Thankfully, your bench partner didn’t seem to notice that you’d been pondering about him. He’d been busy rifling through his bag in search of something. You questioned what could possibly be left in it now that nearly all of its contents were littered on the sidewalk in front of him. 

“Got it,” he said triumphantly, and waved something in the air before setting it down between the two of you. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw it was a wrapped sub sandwich. But you wouldn’t have even needed to look to know what it was, since the smell of fresh baked bread started wafting over to you. Of course this teddy bear stranger would smell like a warm baguette, you sighed inwardly. 

He bent down to put everything else back in his bag, so you didn’t notice at first that he was talking to you.

“ —know I just met you, but they messed up my order and accidentally made me a sandwich on a whole loaf instead of just half. I’ll just end up throwing away the other half, so would you wanna split it with me? It’s just veggies.” 

You turned to look at the stranger, your eyes wide. The sub was wrapped up with a sticker sealing it, but somehow the smell was only getting stronger.

“I’m not really hungry,” you mumbled, but your stomach growled in betrayal. The stranger lifted his eyebrow.

“I promise I didn’t do anything to it,” he said. “But if you don’t want it that’s okay.”

You shook your head but held your hand out. “I could use some food,” you confessed. You’d left the house without even grabbing a snack. For some reason, when the noise in your head got so loud, you clung to the sharpness of hunger to quiet the sound. But, you had to admit to yourself, that only went so far. In the end, the noise wouldn’t stop and you would just be hungry, tired, and with no energy whatsoever. In fact, it only helped the noise get louder.

The stranger smiled and ripped the paper down the middle, handing over half of the sandwich for you to take. You hadn’t realized just how cold you were until you felt the warmth of the sandwich in your hands. Your cheeks heated up again as you practically cradled it in your arms, savoring the warmth.

“I’m Namjoon, by the way.” 

And so, teddy bear man finally had a name. 

You took a bite of the sub before responding with your name. Namjoon repeated it back to you, as if he needed to try it out himself. He smiled and nodded. “I like your name.”

“Thanks,” you replied sheepishly. “I like yours too.”

The two of you sat in silence for a bit, eating while looking out at the river. Normally the silence next to someone would’ve felt pressing, as if you needed to fill it with something. Meaningless words, small talk, fake smiles and forced laughter. But next to Namjoon, you didn’t feel that pressure at all. 

As you ate, you watched the waves ebb back and forth. Your thoughts dripped out like a leaky faucet, slowly and peacefully pooling until they got heavy enough to drop. This time, they weren’t mean. Just things you noticed around you.

The birds flying over the river, their wings spread out and soaring. 

Drip.

A toddler running past, giggling and pointing at the birds above; their mother running behind them with an exhausted but happy smile on her face. 

Drip.

Thunder rumbling softly in the distance, wind stirring your hair.

Drip.

The noise in your head quieted. The weight on the doors let up, the pressure easing.

“It looks like a storm is coming,” Namjoon remarked when he finished his sandwich, balling up the wrapper in his hand. You’d finished yours as well, and he grabbed both wrappers and tossed them into the trash next to him.

“Yeah, it does,” you replied, your voice only above a whisper. 

Namjoon put the strap of his bag over his head and smiled at you. “But everything goes, right?”

You nodded and smiled back at him. Your cheeks were wet. 

“I’ve gotta head out now, thanks for letting me share your bench.” He gave you a wave and started to walk off. His coat fluttered in the wind like wings.

“Thank you, Namjoon,” you called out.

He turned around and bowed his head with a smile. “See you around!”

You nodded and waved, and then pressed your back into the bench and looked out at the Han river. The thunder echoed louder, a low rumble that seemed to wrap itself around you comfortingly. 

“Everything goes,” you whispered. A rain drop fell on your arm and snaked its way down. 

You grabbed your bag and headed off to work, your steps much lighter than they had been before. 

...

A/N: If you somehow haven’t listened to Namjoon’s UN speech, or if it’s been a while since you last did, please check it out here: [x] 

Listen to mono: [x]

There are people to talk to if the noise gets too loud: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I love you and BTS loves you. Thanks for reading.