#gonna circle around comms again after the con so i can try to get a better grip on it bc i have been trying to cut it down

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Doubling up on my cosplay efforts and making that fish scarf and shirt and also that angel's crop top armour

[elisaphoenix13]

Blundering Fools

As Tony watched Scott snore quietly on the couch, he wondered why he hadn't bothered to revert the common room a few floors below into something else. The team never used it. They always hung out on the family floor, so the common room was just collecting dust at this point. Maybe he could make it into some extra living space? The tower was filling up, and Tony already had to stick Quill with Scott when the space pirate arrived just a few months ago. To his luck, the two got along fantastically and Quill probably wouldn't need his own floor. Scott had an extra room anyway.

The space pirate himself steps off the elevator when it arrives and he strides over to Scott and drops a bag of fast food onto the sleeping man's stomach. Scott jolts out of his nap at the sudden disturbance, and he rubs the sleep from his eyes as Quill moves his feet just enough to sit down. Tony watches in surprise when Scott puts his socked feet in Quill's lap and fishes his French fries out of the bag as the other man changes the channel on the tv. It was like they had skipped dating and went straight to being married, but they didn't even know they were in a relationship. Which they weren't, but they might as well be.

Stephen steps up next to Tony and watches the duo on the couch for a few moments before glancing over at his husband. "Are they dating?" He asks quietly so Quill and Scott don't hear him.

"Uh...no. I think they skipped straight to marriage." Tony half jokes.

The sorcerer chuckles. "If I didn't know any better, I might have believed you." He walks over to the stove to start heating up some water.

"I almost can't believe they're this oblivious. Even Cap noticed."

"Ignorance is bliss I suppose."

Stephen makes his tea and both he and Tony join the other two in the living room, Stephen with a crossword puzzle, and Tony with his tablet. His attention was split in between it and the tv though. Neither Scott nor Quill moved when the married couple joined them, but Scott did eventually sit up with only a couple inches separating him from Quill when he discovered eating a hamburger while laying down was a little hard. It was Quill's next move that almost had Tony and Stephen groaning in frustration though. He picked up one of the sodas and took a sip from the straw and immediately furrowed his brows before holding it over to the ex-criminal.

"Hey Scotty. I think I grabbed yours by mistake."

What Scott did next wasn't much better. He had taken the offered soda and also took a sip from the straw.

"Mmm...yeah. This is mine. Here." He grabs the other cup off the coffee table and hands it to Quill. It took a couple of seconds for him to notice that Tony and Stephen were staring at them in bewilderment. "What?"

Tony clears his throat. "Just surprised to see you drinking something other than juice." He lies easily.

Scott snorts. "I do like variety here and there."

"Could have fooled me."

All but Stephen return their attention to the show playing on the television, and the sorcerer takes a sip of his tea as he fills in an answer.

"I think he's gay." Quill says as he motions to the show.

"No. Not him. He's got a wife and kids." Scott replies.

"Really? Man. I'm usually pretty good at noticing things like that."

Stephen chokes on his tea and Tony bursts into laughter. These two had to be yanking their chain. Maybe they were secretly dating and were trying to see how long they could have fun with it, but when Stephen recovered and looked over at the pair, he was met with an incredulous look. So they were serious. Their entire relationship was painful to watch but at the same time, everyone found it hilarious. The rest of the team made bets on how long it would take them to figure it out, but it still looked like it would be a while yet. If ever.

"It uh...went down the wrong pipe." Stephen explains lamely and the other two shrug and go back to watching tv. Completely ignoring Tony who was only now calming down from his fit of giggles.

Like all moments of peace though, it had to end. Alarms blared through the tower, and all four men snap their heads up or to attention from their activities.

"Another alien attack Boss." FRIDAY tells him through the speakers.

Tony groans. "Seriously? Do they not know we killed Thanos? You would think that would scare everything away forever."

"Spiderman is already on the scene."

"What?!" Both Stephen and Tony shout. "He should be at school right now!" The sorcerer adds as he stands and Levi settles on his shoulders.

"Yell at him when we get there." Tony says as he stands and activates his suit. "Porcupine and Thumbelina, suit up. FRIDAY let the others know and have them meet us."

"Right away." She responds.

Tony and Stephen step through a portal that the doctor opens and it closes behind them just as Tony steps in front of Stephen. His suit forms a shield on his arm and blocks the laser pulse aiming for the sorcerer and he shoots the alien with his own repulsor beam before looking back at his lover.

"Honey, do me a favor and wear your suit."

"I always do." Stephen responds fondly as he taps his bracelet and his suit covers him.

A small group of aliens approach them, and just as the pair ready their attacks, a car comes flying out of the sky and it crushes the aliens beneath it. They look up to find the one responsible for throwing the vehicle and find Peter in his suit, crouching on top of a streetlamp. The teen perks up when Stephen sighs heavily over the comm, but then flinches at the sorcerer's next words.

"Peter Benjamin Stark-Strange!"

"What did I do?!"

"Why aren't you in class?"

"Oh! The school was evacuated so I'm not missing anything." He webs a few more approaching aliens against a nearby building. "I got separated from Harley though."

Tony flies off to help set up a perimeter and Stephen and Peter deal with the aliens as the rest of the team arrive to help. Quill was the first to arrive, and he had taken out one of the enemies trying to sneak up on Stephen, and to the doctor's very brief confusion, the space pirate seemingly flicked his own shoulder. Then he realized he was flicking Scott toward an enemy. The ex-con grew to normal size to punch an unsuspecting alien, and the battle continued with more of the Avengers joining them. All but Bruce that is. They tried to keep him ready for possible injured friends that Stephen would portal to him, and if they were too injured to move, the sorcerer would stabilize them first before sending them to Bruce.

But then a large flying creature, much like the ones from the Chitauri invasion and the battle with Thanos, showed up and Stephen could hear Tony's breath hitch over the comm. Nobody liked those things and this monster wasn't any better. There was only one person who could deal with that thing.

"Stuart Little. You seeing what I'm seeing?" The engineer asks as he has FRIDAY scan for possible weak points, but she gave him a negative.

Scott kicks away an alien and backs up until his back is flush with Quill's and looks up. "Man, can we have one battle where I don't have to personally hulk out?"

"Apparently not. You're up Thumbelina...and keep it in the Hudson!"

Quill looks over his shoulder after shooting a couple of aliens. "He wants you to deal with that thing? Am I missing something?"

"Make room Spaceman."

"Room for what?!"

Scott rolls his eyes and presses a button on his suit and Quill stumbles back when the ex-criminal grows to over sixty feet and punches the flying creature into the Hudson River before following it. The pirate recovers from his shock just in time to duck a blast to his head and he takes out the creatures swarming him as he keeps one eye on his floormate. Scott was wrestling with the large flying alien until it thrashed around and sent them both under the water with a large splash. Long seconds pass and when the water partially settles, Steve speaks over comm.

"He's not coming back up!"

"Growing like that puts stress on his body! That combined with the limited air supply his helmet has-" Stephen starts, but he stops when Quill flies out from the aliens surrounding him, barely glancing back to throw a grenade in the center of the circle.

It explodes and kills all of the aliens as he flies toward the river, and the outlaw doesn't hesitate to activate his helmet before diving into the water. Using his jet boots he swims down to the obvious giant figure of Scott and presses the button he knew would shrink the man back to normal size. Once Scott is at a movable size again, Quill grabs the unconscious man and swims back up to the surface, where he pulls Scott back onto land.

He kneels next to Scott and presses another button to remove his helmet and gently smacks his cheek. "Come on Scotty. It'll be really lame to be the only member of the Pining Club."

Antman coughs and turns on his side to spit out the water and then groans tiredly. "The Pining Club is lame no matter how many members are in it."

Quill grins. "Try not to remind me." The grin slowly falls away and his hands hover over Scott's body as he looks for injuries. "Are you hurt?"

"Don't think so." Scott mumbles tiredly. "Gonna rest my eyes for a couple of seconds."

Then he was asleep. Actually, it was more like he passed out, but now Quill had to protect him from some aliens that noticed the two stragglers. He didn't have much room to maneuver because he wouldn't step too far away from Scott's prone form, so instead he planted a foot on either side of his floormate and shot the aliens. At least in this position, they couldn't get to Scott as easily.

"Guys! Scotty is down and I've got a few of these assholes coming after us!" Quill informs the team.

An arrow pierces through the head of an alien behind the space outlaw. "I've got your six Quill."

Quill shoots a few more aliens and then grabs a loose piece of rebar nearby when an alien throws a grenade at him. He hits the grenade back toward the alien and blows it up as well as its allies and Clint laughs.

"Damn Quill! You gave a whole new meaning to a grand slam!"

"These chucklefucks have no idea who they're messing with." Starlord growls.

"An angry lover?" The archer says and Quill looks up in Clint's direction on a nearby building.

"What?"

"What?" Barton repeats innocently.

The battle ends after another half hour when Thor summons lightning to kill off the remaining aliens, and Quill bends down from his position over Scott to check the still unconscious man for wounds again. Stephen soon joins him and checks Scott's pulse before turning to open a portal to Scott's floor at the tower.

"He needs rest. Clint, come help-"

"It's okay." Quill interrupts. "I got him." He moves to one side of Scott and lifts the man into his arms before walking through the portal with Stephen.

The doctor moves ahead of him to open the door to Scott's room and when Quill steps in and manages to lay the ex-criminal on his bed, Stephen motions toward the sleeping man.

"Help me get his suit off."

Quill's eyes widen. "Wait, what?"

"He wears it over his clothes." Stephen assures as he starts to remove Scott's suit, and Quill helps him.

"Damn, he's dead to the world."

"That's what happens if he stays in his giant form too long."

"I didn't know he can do that."

Stephen raises an eyebrow when he looks up at him. "He did it in the battle against Thanos."

"Guess I missed it."

They pull back the covers, properly place them over Scott, and then leave the room to go up to the family floor after some reassurance from Stephen that his floormate will be okay by himself. Once they reach the penthouse, Stephen rushes forward when they find Harley sitting at the kitchen table and holding an ice pack to his temple. While the sorcerer fussed over the small cuts littered over the teen's body, Quill returned to his previously vacated spot on the couch and Tony and Peter were some of the first to get back.

"Harley! I'm so sorry! I couldn't find you-" Peter rambles and the older teen waves his hand at the younger.

"It's fine. Don't freak out."

Tony disengages his suit and joins Stephen. "What happened?"

"Just got hit with some shrapnel. It's not that big of a deal." Harley says with a heavy sigh. "Stephen already took care of it."

The doctor nods. "He's alright Tony. Just some scratches."

The engineer grumbles and rubs his eyes tiredly. "Getting real sick of alien invasions."

Quill laughs half-heartedly from the living room. "Sounds like a regular Wednesday afternoon."

It seemed to be true, too. Hardly anyone blinked at the mention of an alien invasion or Hydra crawling out of the cracks like roaches. They just dealt with it and came back home for a well deserved dinner, or even lunch if they took care of the crisis fast enough. Which was exactly what happened as soon as Bucky made it back. They all had an after battle routine. Check to make sure any injured were alright, then head up to the penthouse for food, rest, and sometimes even a movie to wind down and lick their wounds.

With Wanda's help, Bucky made dinner for everyone and they all ate throughout the floor, and even Scott had managed to join them. Of course, he was still exhausted and it took him a little effort to stay awake, but he got his food and subconsciously sat next to Quill and ate. There were a couple of times Scott almost passed out into his food, but both Quill and Natasha kept him awake long enough to finish his dinner. After that, the space pirate had to help the ex-criminal back down to their floor since he was stumbling, and when the elevator doors closed behind them, Clint groaned. Loudly.

"Can we intervene yet?"

Sam scowls. "No way. I've got money sitting on another month."

"You didn't see Quill standing possessively over Scott."

"Really?" Natasha asks with a bit of surprise. "Maybe he'll figure it out first."

"You know...even though he has a Master's degree in electrical engineering, Scott can be really dumb." Peter says and Cassie nods beside him.

"I kind of have to agree...and I live on the floor with them."

Harley takes the biscuit out of Peter's hand when the younger teen picks it up. "Brain smart and street smart are different things."

Sam snorts. "This is a whole different type of smart and Tic-tac is on the stupid end of the scale."

"They both are." Rhodey adds in agreement.

Tony laughs. "One more month. Then we can talk about a subtle intervention."

"Subtle will take forever, love." Stephen chuckles.

"Very true. We'll just throw them in a closet and be done with it."

"That just takes the fun out of it." Harley mutters.

The time was agreed on though. One more month of watching Quill and Scott unknowingly flirt with each other, and then they would talk about what to do next if the morons didn't connect the dots.

The Avengers were turning into matchmakers.

[dracusfyre]

Square K3: Abberant Outcomes

Rating: Explicit

Warning: Rape/Non-Con

Relationship: Tony/Bucky

Tags:  Steve and Bucky are Not Friends; no actual rape but definitely non-consensual activity, Bucky Barnes’s Trigger Words

For @tonystarkbingo  Square K3: Non-Con

Summary: James inadvertently followed Captain Rogers into the jaws of a trap and has his own body turned against him. This is a continuation of the Operant Conditioning series, which starts with Positive Reinforcement and Rewards for Good Behavior, but can be read as a standalone.

After hours of waiting, hidden from sight by the digital camouflage screen Tony had given him, James finally heard the rumbling arrival of the personnel carrier, only a few minutes off from the arrival time that Tony had predicted.

“We’re a go,” he said almost voicelessly to Tony, who was listening in to the operation through the communicator in James’ ear. He crawled backwards from the road and started to lope towards the base, intercepting the truck as it slowed down to navigate the barricades leading into the entrance of the base. He dug his metal hand into the underside of the truck and braced himself in the chassis, holding himself stiffy away from the axle until the truck finally came to a stop.  The truck shook as the men climbed out and as he watched their feet hit the gravel, James frowned as one set of boots didn’t match the rest.

“Where are we?” A familiar voice said, suspicion clear in his voice as he slammed the door to the cab of the truck.

“You know we can’t tell you that, Cap.  But we’re not going to get anywhere without a little bit of trust, are we?”  ‘Cap’ grunted but didn’t argue as he followed the speaker, gravel crunching under boots.  James risked a glance sideways from under the truck and sure enough, there was a distinctive metal target on Cap’s back as he went inside the facility.

“We’ve got a problem,” James said over the comms as soon as everyone was out of earshot. “Captain Rogers is here.”

beware the read more 

“Really?” James could hear Tony’s frown in his voice.  “Kind of slumming it, isn’t he?”

“Enemy of my enemy?” James rolled out from under the truck, stepping carefully on the noisy gravel, and took a look around the base.  He spotted  two guards per tower, moonlight glinting off nightvision goggles, and quickly moved around to the other side of the truck.

“Yeah, I guess.  Must be pretty desperate.  Be careful,” Tony warned.  “I don’t like this, something feels off.”

James took a moment in the dark shadows of the personnel carrier to consider his captain’s warning.  Behind him, the vehicle’s engine was still ticking and giving off heat; far away, he could hear the footsteps and hushed discussions of the men that had climbed out of the vehicle but couldn’t distinguish Rogers’ voice from the rest.  This was supposed to be a recon mission – discover the alignment of the facility Tony had discovered in the barren wilds of the Arizona desert and report back.  Rogers’ presence made the mission far more risky, but also more valuable.  “If we disengage now, they may move somewhere else,” he said finally.  “We need to know why Rogers is here.”

There was a long exhale over the comms and Tony finally said, “You’re right.  Fine.  Do what you do best, Terminator.”

“Roger that.  Comms going dark.”

“Yep.  If I don’t hear from you in six hours, there’s going to be a loud and flashy exfiltration whether you are finished or not, got it?”

“Understood.”  James powered down the comms and took the battery out to avoid being picked up by any counterintel measures Hydra had around the base.  He checked the placement and ease of access for all of the weapons he was carrying and combat crouched to the next piece of concealment, working his way deeper into the facility, all senses alert for the sound of guards. He found one as he cleared his throat and crushed his larynx before he could sound the alarm.  The next one he smelled before anything else; the guard was well hidden, still and silent, but stank of his last cigarette break.   A knife between the cervical vertebrae neutralized him noiselessly.  James circled the building, noting that the doors were secured with keypads as well as the electronic door locks, so in the end, he ended up scaling the building, slowly and laboriously digging out hand and foot holds using his metal hand.  In the back of his mind he was acutely aware of the passage of time; an hour and a half wasted already and he wasn’t even inside the facility.  The original plan, the pre-Captain Rogers plan, had been to be less covert – the senses of the Hydra agents were far less acute than a fellow super-soldier – but he had no desire to provoke a confrontation with Rogers tonight, so here he was.  Crawling up the side of the building and feeling like a sitting duck, tense for some sharp-eyed sniper to shoot him in the back.

But he made it to the top intact and the security on the roof was far less robust than the ground floor.  Two hours thirteen minutes into the mission and he was finally inside, moving silently from room to room and searching for relevant intel along the way.  Two floors down he remembered Tony’s recently developed, supposedly undetectable eavesdropping devices, so with a mental curse he backtracked and started placing the bugs at regular intervals.

He was exiting a stairwell when the light and sound of a flashbang grenade blinded him, sending him stumbling backwards. A bolt of electricity to the nape of his neck brought him to his knees and then a savage kick to his chest landed him on his back, gasping for breath.

A flashlight shone in his eyes, ruining his vision. “Looks like you were right, Cap.  We did have an intruder. Friend of yours?”

James rolled and kicked out, aiming for the speaker, but a stun stick got him in the temple and left him dazed.  A kick to his ribs left him struggling for air again, and then there was a foot on his metal wrist and another on his opposite shoulder, pinning him to the floor.

The last thing he heard, in Rogers’ voice, was, “Not anymore,” and then there was the high pitched whine of electricity and everything went dark.

                                                             ***

Cold water in his face woke him up and he inhaled sharply, blinking against the flood light aimed at him, creating stark shadows in the room.  He tried to stand but was brought up short by the rattle of chains; his flesh arm was cuffed to metal piping on the floor while his metal arm was a terrifyingly dead weight, dragging the left side of his body down.

“Hello again, princess,” a voice said from the darkness on the other side of the light.  Footsteps approached, but the person was too shadowed by the bright light for James to get a look at him.  “Thanks for joining us.”

James tightened his jaw, wondering how long he’d been out and angry at himself for being ambushed.  Now Tony was going to have to rescue him and that was wrong; James was supposed to protect his captain, not the other way around.

A man stooped next to James, features hidden behind a mask and goggles. “I’m surprised to see you without your BFF,” the man said, voice distorted by the mask. “Where is your precious Iron Man now?  What do you think, Mack, think Stark’ll even come for our friend here or just write him off as a pet that ran away from home?  Cap says he’s not the sentimental type.”

James gritted his teeth and refused to respond to their taunts.  The man was just far enough away that James knew he couldn’t reach him, so he curled his legs up to his chest, trying to draw the man closer.

"On the other hand, Tony Stark is rather possessive, isn’t he? Doesn’t like people touching his stuff,” ‘Mack’ said from across the room.

“That’s true,” the man close to him said. “Do think he will still want you when we break you?  Nobody likes broken toys."

James sneered at that.  “It will take a stronger man than you to break me,” he growled.  “Better men have tried.  Especially before Tony Stark finds you.”

“Yeah, ok,” the man allowed.  “But we’re really just gonna dirty you up a little to drive a wedge between you and Stark.”  James jerked hard when a hand patted him on the cheek, a mockery of kindness.  “Jumpy one, ain’t he?”

“Almost like a virgin,” another one said, amused.  James made his face stay blank as their meaning sank in, a sharp stab of fear making him feel cold inside. Would his captain still want him if these men followed through on their threats, if they put their hands on him, if they used him-

“Aww, yeah.  Like a blushing virgin.” The gloved hand caressed his face one more time before the soldier knelt and started tugging at James’ belt. He kicked out at the guard and earned the zap of a stun baton to his inner thigh, making the entire leg go numb.  “We all know that’s not true, don’t we?  You give it up for Stark all the time.  Now don’t fight it, I’m just gonna make you feel good,” the soldier said as he opened James’ pants and pulled out his cock, kneeling on his other leg to keep it immobilized.  “Let’s see what Stark thinks about finding you with come all over yourself, looking like a good time.”

James closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, recoiling as far as possible from the man’s touch.  His gloved hand was nothing like Tony’s rough callouses, making it easier to will his body not to respond. The room smelled of wet cement and piss and the man of leather and gun oil, where his captain smelled of coffee and cologne and metal.  He bit the inside of his cheek, focusing on the pain to distract from the gentle touch at his groin.

“Use your mouth,” the other guard goaded, the smirk clear from his tone.

“Fuck off, I’m not doing that,” the guy groping him said.  “Intel says he gets off on pain, maybe I’m being too nice.”  The hand on his cock tightened and James jerked, rattling the chains on his wrist.  He tried to headbutt the man next to him but the man was fast enough to dodge and clocked him in the jaw for his efforts.

“Stubborn bastard, isn’t he? Should we try the things now?” Across the room James could see a phone screen light up as the watcher pulled out a phone and waved it at the man kneeling over James.  “The commands or whatever?”

Commands? An trickle uneasy dread made James’ stomach sink even as the man sat back on his heels, hand leaving James’ cock limp against his thigh.  

“Shit, yeah, I forgot about those.” He gestured for the watcher to come closer so he could see what was on the phone’s screen. “Did he say anything about how they work or what they do?”

“He didn’t know, something about making him more compliant.” The watcher shrugged and went back to leaning against the wall.  “It will be interesting to find out.”                              

“Alright, let’s give it a shot.” The man cleared his throat and said, “Reign,” and James swallowed a noise of distress as the effect of the word cut through the fear and anxiety, making him sag weakly against the wall.  He could feel the men’s eyes on him, watching him with interest, but he felt drugged by his own body. “Kinetic,” the man continued after a moment, and James tried to suppress a shiver as his skin became sensitive, heart speeding up even as his limbs felt languid.  This was normally where he’d be rubbing against Tony like a cat, craving physical contact; here, he was just acutely aware of the rough clothes against his skin, the cool concrete walls against his back and legs.  He’d never tried to fight the feeling before, but when the man said “twilight” he slammed his head back against the wall, trying to fight the thick, honeyed warmth as it spread through his veins, but he was far gone enough that the pain felt good. “No,” he said, before he could stop himself, feeling his cock respond to the sudden rush of endorphins flooding his system.

“That kinky fuck,” the man said, his laugh low and mean as he watched James turn into a shuddering mess.  “Stark programmed a Viagra trigger into his pet, like an on-call boner.”

No, James wanted to protest, it’s not like that, but his breath was catching on moans in his throat as he tried not to make any noise.  They were taking something beautiful, something meant to be just between him and his captain, and they were making it ugly and cruel. “Stop,” he croaked, panting shallowly, flesh hand balled into a tight fist.

“No, this is fun. What’s next?” The man checked the phone screen again.  “Oh, yeah. Forty-two,” and that’s when James lost all sense of time, brain sliding sideways with a slow surge of pleasure.  He distantly felt hands on him again and he thought he tried to struggle, tried to protest, but he couldn’t be sure.

“Please,” he gasped, and at this point he was ashamed that he couldn’t have said what he was pleading for, for them to keep going or to stop.

Suddenly he registered the distant sound of gunfire and explosions, and the relief James felt made tears come to his eyes. The words stopped, the hands stilled, and James was thankfully left alone in the cold and harsh white light.  After a few minutes he heard the door to the room being wrenched open and thrown down the hallway, but pulling himself up from his daze was like swimming against the tide.

“James?” James opened his eyes with difficulty and saw his captain staring down at him in concern, suit standing guard over his shoulder.  “Are you ok? What did they do to you?”

“They knew – they knew the reward,” James said, trying to touch Tony but brought up short by the chain still on his wrist.  Tony scowled and went to find something to break the chain, making James protest as his captain moved out of his sight. “They knew reign and kinetic and-”

That made Tony stop in his tracks and come back to James’ side, face pale but eyes bright with fury.  “Do you know how?” he said, voice hard.

James shook his head and tried to cover himself, but his captain was already there, tucking him back into his pants and shifting so he could cradle James’ head in his lap.  One hand carded through James’ hair while the other trailed down the metal arm to the device that was disabling it.  He could have sobbed with relief when he felt the arm go live again, snapping the chain on his other wrist and curling around Tony as close as he could.

“I’ll fix this,” Tony promised, wrapping his arms around James as he shivered and came down from the hormone high.  He rested his forehead against James’ temple, surrounding his senses with his smell and the sound of his breathing and the arc reactor and blocking out everything else. “I don’t know how it happened, but no one will ever be able to do this to you again, I promise.”

[spaceoutdreamer]

Splatoon 2: Salmon Run

Au cas où y ait des français (et aussi parce que j’ai rien à faire), la version française est sous le Afficher davantage

Alright guys, I’ve been doing this Salmon Run bullshit all morning and I’ve had enough of other people so here’s a small guide to make sure you don’t suck balls, let’s go

Basic strategy

- If you’re the last one on your team, just fucking go help your teammates, leave the eggs alone - If you’re down, you CAN pick up eggs near you if you’re not carrying any AND move !!!! SO MOVE YO ASS IF YOU WANT TO BE HELPED CAUSE I AIN’T GOING BACK ALL THE FUCKING WAY ACROSS THE MAP JUST FOR YOU - If you’re down, you have the option to call for help by pressing the up “arrow” - If someone just helped you and you see someone else down near you, help them and go, don’t be an asshole - If you leave the eggs alone, a blue fish enemy will come and gather them. To ensure that this doesn’t happen, kill the enemy and use the up arrow to give the OVER HERE signal. If no one comes, there’s a reason. - If you’re the last one but still need to pick up eggs, try to survive when you jump in the battlefield to help your teammates - If you’re the last one and no eggs need to be picked AND the time is almost up, screw everyone else, abandon them if they’re too far, run for your life.

Boss strategy (For the sake of organisation, the listed bosses are ranked from less dangerous to most dangerous)

This one is a pain in the ass but I consider him the less dangerous boss (aside from the golden basic one). Ideally, 2 of you will take care of it, one will shoot the bomb it sends and the other will shoot the fish under. The fish is vulnerable right after it shot its bomb or when it’s moving Mary Poppins style

It looks dangerous but if you’re alone, shoot it repeatedly in the face to break it and then go behind it to kill it.

This one WILL follow you, don’t try to stay near him. Again, ideally, you’ll be 2 for this job, one will distract it, the other will shoot him. If you’re alone, just run until you’re high enough to jump directly behind it.

This one only targets one person. If you’re alone, stay still, wait until the green circle appears, move, shoot it when it comes out, rinse, and repeat. If you’re 2, one will be the target, the other one can throw a bomb in the circle.

If your weapon is short ranged, get the fuck out. Kill small enemies while the other do the job. If there are 2 of them, focus on only one or you’ll never see the end of it

This one is also a pain but for different reasons. You either need to be 2 to take it down quickly OR to have the bombs bonus. Just in case you forgot, you need to throw a bomb in its baskets/wings when it’s about to shoot. This one is the second most dangerous common boss.

This one is DANGER. You need to kill it immediately. Its laser will go through the walls and will follow you and you can say bye bye to your squid. Usually, only one squid is enough to do the job, no need to call for backup.

Luckily, it only targets one person at a time, the rest is colateral damage. So here’s the thing, if you have a pointy red laser pointing at you, YOU’re the one being targeted. Stay the fuck away. If you go in there, you’re just gonna be killed and someone else will be targeted and will die etc. Try to be near the egg basket and, if it comes too close to you, run to a location that’s high. And if it comes too close again, go back to the basket. Let the others deal with it.

I haven’t found a picture for this one but there’s a special mode where it’s night and fireflies appear around one person and suddenly, a bunch of small enemies will come. If the fireflies are around you, YOU ARE BEING TARGETED, RUN, STAY AWAY, JUST FUCKING GO !!!! It’s just like with the red laser targeting thing. Stay near the basket and let everyone else kill those dudes. If you go, the enemies will circle around you and kill you immediately and then it’ll just be a mess and it’s a guarantee defeat. i think the fireflies change targets so stay grouped, buddy system

These are all the bosses I could think of. Please, if you play Salmon Run, read this, learn, and stop sucking. If you don’t suck (but let’s get real, we all do), show this to someone who sucks.

Bon allez, on y va, un p’tit guide pour pas être un boulet total en jouant à Salmon Run.

Stratégie de base

- Si t’es le dernier debout de ton équipe, va aider les autres. Soit pas un connard. Laisse les oeufs et vas-y - Si t’es mort, tu peux récupérer un oeuf près de toi si t’en portes pas déjà un. SI tu peux faire ça, ça veut dire que tu peux bouger. ALORS BOUGE TON CUL SI TU VEUX DE L’AIDE PARCE QUE J’ME TAPE PAS TOUT LE TRAJET JUSTE POUR T’AIDER TOI - Si t’es mort, tu peux appeler à l’aide en appuyant sur la flèche du haut - Si tu viens d’être ressuscité par quelqu’un et que tu vois quelqu’un de mort à côté de toi, aide-le et cassez-vous, encore une fois, soit pas un connard. - Si tu laisses les oeufs, un ennemie qui ressemble à ceux de base mais avec un crête bleue va venir pour te chourer les oeufs. Pour éviter ça, tue-le and utilise la flèche du haut pour dire PAR ICI. Si personne vient, c’est qu’il y a une raison - Si t’es le dernier de ton équipe mais qu’il faut encore récupérer des oeufs, essaie de survivre quand tu plongeras dans le champ de bataille pour aider ceux qui sont morts - Si t’es le dernier de ton équipe, que t’as besoin de récupérer des oeufs ET que le temps est presque écoulé, les autres, on les emmerde, laisse les tomber s’ils sont trop loin et casse-toi

Stratégie pour les boss (Comme j’suis sympa, ils sont classés du moins dangereux au plus dangereux)

Bon, celui-là, il est chiant mais il fait pas beaucoup de dégâts. Dans le cas idéal, vous êtes deux, un qui tire sur les bombes qu’il envoie, l’autre qui lui explose la tronche. Il est vulnérable une fois qu’il a tiré sa bombe ou quand il se déplace à la Mary Poppins

Il a l’air dangereux mais si t’es tout seul, tire lui dessus jusqu’à ce qu’il se casse et ensuite va derrière lui pour lui tirer dessus.

Celui-là va te suivre jusqu’à la mort, essaie pas de rester près de lui (je sais, j’ai déjà essayé). Encore une fois, le cas idéal, ce serait que vous soyez 2 pour le tuer, un qui le distrait, l’autre qui lui tire dessus. Si t’es tout seul, essaie d’aller en hauteur pour pouvoir sauter et te glisser derrière lui pour tirer sur le bonhomme qui le contrôle.

Celui-là ne cible qu’un inkling à la fois. Si t’es tout seul, reste immobile jusqu’à ce que tu vois le cercle vert, éloigne toi un peu, tire-lui dessus et recommence. Si vous êtes 2, l’un de vous sera la cible et l’autre jettera une bombe dans le cercle.

Si ton arme a pas une portée importante, dégage. Tue les ennemies pendant que les autres font le boulot. S’il y en a 2, concentrez-vous sur un seul ou jamais vous allez y arriver

Celui-là est aussi très chiant, mais pas pour les mêmes raisons Ou vous êtes 2 pour l’abattre rapidement, ou t’as le bonus des bombes illimités. Juste au cas où tu te rappelles pas, faut envoyer les bombes dans ses ailes/paniers quand il s’apprête à tirer. Il est, à mon avis, le deuxième boss commun le plus dangereux.

Celui-là est un danger tellement gros que t’aurais plus vite fait de sauter dans l’eau qu’espérer lui échapper. Pour une raison qui me dépasse complètement, tout le monde dans mon équipe s’en tape de ce boss alors que c’est le truc le plus dangereux du mode normal. Le laser qu’il envoie traverse les murs, s’il apparaît, c’est la cible numéro 1. Un seul inkling est suffisant pour l’abattre, y a pas besoin d’appeler pour du renfort à moins qu’il y ait trop d’ennemies autour de lui.

Heureusement, cette chose ne cible qu’un seul inkling à la fois, le reste de l’équipe est juste un dommage collatéral pour lui.Si tu vois un laser rouge sur toit, c’est toi la cible. RESTE LOIN DE LUI. Si tu t’amuses comme un abruti à lui dire bonjour, tu vas juste mourir comme une merde et il ciblera un autre inkling qui était proche de lui pour lui tirer dessus, il va mourir, un autre sera cibler, etc. Essaie d’être proche du panier à oeufs si tu es la cible et, s’il s’approche de trop près, nage jusqu’à un point en hauteur. Et s’il revient trop proche, repart au panier. Laisse les autres s’en charger.

J’ai pas trouvé de photos pour celui-là mais y a un mode spécial où il fait nuit et des lucioles à la con apparaissent autour d’une personne de l’équipe et tout un tas d’ennemies se ramènent. Si les lucioles sont autour de toi, TU ES LA CIBLE A ÉLIMINER POUR LES ENNEMIES, DÉGAGE, CASSE-TOI, RESTE DERRIÈRE LES AUTRES !!!! C’est comme avec le boss d’avant. reste près du panier et laisse les autres les tuer. Si tu vas avec les autres, les ennemies vont vous entourer et te tuer de suite et ensuite c’est le bordel et tu vas obligatoirement perdre. Les lucioles changent de cible il me semble, donc restez groupés, au moins deux.

Voilà qui conclut le petit guide. En espérant que tout le monde arrêtera d’être une buse complète parce que j’en ai ras-l’cul de perdre parce que quelqu’un s’est dit “JE SUIS UN HÉROS”

[keaalu]

Unspoken

(So, these two have apparently decided that after multiple vorns of insisting “nah we don’t need to bond, it’s totes casual, you guys” and having no-one believe them, perhaps it’s time to accept defeat.)

PS Said is NOT dead and I shall keep on using it. SO THERE.

-------

Like much of Cybertron, Iacon was still fairly derelict – most of the awe-inspiring buildings of the Golden Age lay in sad, quiet ruins, most blackened and broken by war. The little that remained had been thoroughly cannibalised for undamaged components.

…but – again – like much of Cybertron, Iacon’s residents were starting to pick up the pieces, and beginning to rebuild. The spindly towers of inanimate cranes dotted the horizon, and a scattering of mismatched lights twinkled from the windows of the buildings below.

Not this one, though. Skywarp had intentionally chosen a rickety-looking tower on the outskirts of the city-state, little more than a shell with most of its interior floors corroded away, the topmost platform reachable only by air.

Private. Quiet. Somewhere unreachable by other grounders, and far enough away that hopefully the rest of the family wouldn’t decide he was obviously up to no good and they ought to come looking for him. He was already teetering on the point of chickening out and making up some terrible excuses; last thing he needed was heckling.

What he did mostly need was for someone to do the difficult bit for him. And perhaps a scriptwriter.

He dithered in the tower doorway. Perhaps he should have asked TC for advice? Seeing as the blue jet actually had a bit of experience, and wasn’t romantically tone-deaf. But that would have involved asking him, and Skywarp figured the fewer people that knew about this, the less likely it’d go Pitwise.

The reason for his fidgety state of mind lounged comfortably in the very centre of the platform, waiting for him, a small half-consumed cube of high-grade close at hand. Pulsar sat far enough out to get a good view of the sky, but not so far that she could see the ground. Even after vorns of cohabiting with Seekers, the bike still hadn’t managed to completely shed her fear of heights.

Aurorae swirled along the planet’s field lines, fine curtains and columns draping down from above. The otherworldly lights shimmered against her pale enamel, turning her into a strange green ghost out on the platform. Large plaques of her enamel still needed replacing, though, reminding him of their recent misadventure. When they got back to Deixar, he resolved to carry her down the paintshop himself, because those grey patches? Were seriously bothersome.

Skywarp pursed his lips. Who’d have ever thought that such a weedy, argumentative little Autobot would have wiggled so well into his plating? For all their mutual disrespect, squabbling and semi-competitive sarcasm… they’d just seemed to mesh with each other.

Her recent disappearing act had left him genuinely scared that she was gone forever, and she’d not even been gone for that long. Not knowing had been the worst part. Unable to get a response to comms, or off her locator, or even to be able to spot her? Forced to comb laboriously through the quantum universe to find her? It left him with a small flavour of what it had been like for his family, when he’d disappeared off on his unintentional little jaunt through time.

And made him feel a little more confident of the plan that had been slowly coming together in his head, over the last vorn or two.

Hey femme, wanna get sparkbonded? really shouldn’t be such a difficult question to ask, but something about it put him on edge. He’d look a proper strutless wonder if she said no, too.

He’d been trying his hardest to come up with a nice, convincingly casual way to drop it into conversation – something that’d lead her to think it had been her idea, just in case anyone accused him of going woolly.

Nothing was coming to him, though. And he’d spent the entire journey so quiet, she knew something was up.

“Are you going to stay in that doorway forever?” she asked, at last, not turning around.

He took a second to try and smooth out his field, and rustled around with the small stash of energon they’d brought with them, in a vain attempt to look like he was being busy, not just dithering. “View all right?”

“Well, I can’t see the floor, so.” She glanced up and back at him, a pleased expression lightening her angular features. “Yes, it’s good.”

“Excellent.” He settled behind her, one long leg on either side, and let her relax back against him. He strummed his fingers lightly across her antennae, smiling when she started to purr, appreciatively.

“So why Iacon, anyway?” she asked, at last.

“There’s all the pretty swirly slag in the sky above us, and you’re asking why I thought it’d be nice to come here?”

She blew a little raspberry between pursed lips; okay, so she wasn’t buying that one.

“…aaand I wanted a bit of peace and quiet? Figured the guys probably wouldn’t bother to follow us all the way out here. Don’t always want them chiming in on stuff that’s meant to be private between us.”

She snorted, affectionately. “Since when? You like getting me to glitch my vocaliser when your bros are close enough to hear, because you like to embarrass me.”

He hmm!-ed a funny little laugh and mouthed her antennae. “Can’t help it if you like being embarrassed.”

She gave him a little shove. “So when are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“There’s nothing wrong.”

“Riight.” She finally looked back up at him, fixing him on her best challenging stare. “You were quiet all the way out here, didn’t pretend to drop me even once, and found a nice big platform that I wouldn’t have to worry about falling off. I might not be a genius, but this is not normal Skywarp behaviour.”

He grunted and glanced away.

“I might be able to help,” she chased.

“It’s not that. Nothing’s wrong, as such, I’ve just… been thinking about stuff. Made my brain hurt.” He let his arms drift slightly around her, and leaned down just enough to rest his chin on the top of her head. “Sucked slag when you went missing.”

He felt her little hands come up to rest on his arms. “You’re not still fretting about that, are you? I can guarantee you that I won’t be making a mistake like that ever again.”

“Not so much that part of it.” He folded his arms more closely around her and pressed his cheek against the smooth curve of her helm. “I just-… It got me thinking.”

Her purr picked up again – soft, reassuring. “Yeah, you said that already. What about?”

He drew in a cycle of cool air. “What we’re all gonna do now. I mean, war’s over. Properly over, and…” Get to the point, Warp. “I figured, maybe we should, you know.” He let his fingers drift closer to the centre of her chassis, level with her spark. “I mean, now it’s kinda safe? Now I won’t put you at risk just by being an ex-‘Con with��� colourful history.”

She covered his hand with both of hers. “Figured we should… what?”

“Do this… ‘relationship’ thing properly.” He winced and hastily added; “I mean if we’d done it earlier, made a proper connection like TC and Lara have… I’d have known where you were and coulda rescued you sooner, right?”

She was quiet for a very long time. Her field prickled against his. She felt… confused? Upset? He wasn’t sure how to read her.

Definitely said the wrong thing. He sighed, subtly, and gave himself a little internal kick for not dropping more hints and figuring out if she was even interested. Probably why she’d never mentioned it before.

“…Squeaky?” he chased, anyway, deflated. “I-… It was just an idea. I mean. It’s… no big deal if you don’t want to, if-if you think it’s stupid.”

She remained silent for a few seconds longer. “I don’t think it’s stupid. I just… want to be clear.” Another long pause. “…are you asking me if I want to bond with you?”

He made a noise that didn’t really answer the question. “I… guess so?” He wasn’t sure if he felt more stupid, now his thoughts were out in the open. He blew out a long sigh of stale exhaust and let his arms go loose. “Okay, I know. Terrible idea. Forget it.”

She stood carefully, and turned in the circle of his arms until she was facing him. “Do you mean it?”

He pursed his lips, and for a few seconds refused to meet her gaze.

“…Warp?” she pressed.

He glanced up, reluctantly, to meet muted azure optics and a crooked, affectionate smile that lifted one side of her face. The dwindling ember of optimism in his spark grew a tiny bit brighter.

She leaned closer and let her forehead rest against his, her hands on his shoulders. “Why didn’t you just ask me?”

“Because I’m a big stupid ex-Con and I don’t do words very well? And I guess I didn’t want to have to hear you say ‘no’,” he replied, sheepishly.

She chuckled – surprisingly, sounding embarrassed, too? “Then we’re in the same boat. I was scared you’d say ‘no’, too. You obviously got brave quicker than I did.”

The words took a few seconds to process, but he felt his wings lift, subtly, all on their own. “…wait. You were gonna ask me?”

“Yeah.” She managed a self-deprecating laugh and looked away, optics brightening. “I just couldn’t think of a way to do it that wouldn’t make me sound like a complete stuttering idiot.”

He let himself lean back in against her, just a little. “…what – like I just did, you mean?”

“You sounded fine.” Her hands meandered delicately around to the back of his helm, trailing a pleasant prickle of static electricity behind them. “And it’s just because you don’t want me getting lost again?”

“Well, of course. Femme, you are slagging hopeless at the whole not-getting-lost thing. I can’t keep coming looking for you-”

A small pair of lips brushed lightly across his own, derailing his train of thought.

“Yes,” she said, in his momentary silence.

He leaned back a little, so he could focus properly on her face. “Yes… what?”

“Yes, it’s a good idea,” she said, and her nose wrinkled slightly in a small, knowing smile. “I hate getting lost.”

Edit: ffs. Of all the stupid shit I’ve written that could get plagiarised, it’s this one? Go figure. Happy New Year to me. *sulk*