#gonna be wishing I had named myself miles this fall LMAO

[captainjimothycarter]

I really love that Peggy and Sousa encounter each other in the future post 😍

I had to go back so many posts to find this post, lmao. This is a long one! 4k! This is so not what you wanted but I couldn’t stop writing??? 

--

Chaos was a normal way of life for Peggy. She had already accepted that when she signed up for the war, following Michael’s death. Being a codebreaker beforehand was hard enough and she was good at it, Peggy was good with her hands but it wasn’t enough. There was always that itch in the back of her head that just reminded her there was more that could be done and unfortunately, it took the death of her brother to realize what exactly she should be doing.

Then she met Steve, a scrawny Brooklyn Native who didn’t look like he should be breathing much less standing beside Dr. Erksine who insisted this is who he wanted for his experiment. It took very little convincing before this absolute mad man was nodding eagerly about this experiment, promising to keep the details under lock and key. As quickly as she met and no matter how hard she tried not to admit it, she lost Steve. A part of her heart went down with him in that plane and no promise to recover. To just move on because she had to.

Or so, Peggy thought.

Time travel was an idea of fiction on paper. She didn’t think it was real or something possible. Why would she? It was an amusing idea, one even Howard had tinkered with, yet as all ideas are, there is some truth to them. There had to be or otherwise, Peggy was insistent she was going mad here because Steven Grant Rogers was standing on her doorstep wearing clothes a size too big and with a bouquet of roses in hand.

The shattering teacup was the last thing she remembered.

That night, there was a long, long talk. One that went far on until they were both hoarse and bags under their eyes from lack of sleep. In reality, she was afraid to sleep. If she closed her eyes, Steve might disappear. This might be some hallucination from her imagination but every touch to his skin felt real whereas she couldn’t touch him before. He felt real when it came to the body heat and his heart. So, in conclusion, he had to be real, she just couldn’t accept it because he could easily be taken away.

There was this tale he spun for her. One about the future, about being frozen for so long, about how he fought in new wars, worse than their own, how the organization she was building in secret was destroyed from the inside out, how he had a key hand to it [and how very apologetic and downright hurt he looked by telling her this], how he has lost and gained, just to lose again, and how he got here. Time travel of all foolish things. And she wasn’t sure what was worst, the fact that he was here or the fact that she believing him.

Or the fact that she was going with him.

There was no other word for this beyond selfish but Steve had assured her that she wasn’t. Selfish wasn’t helping the greater good, he assured. They could rebuild Shield with the help of some new friends, start their life together. He would be there. And yet her life here? In this single, dreary apartment where the front door didn’t close all the way and her neighbor’s cat had snuck in and sprayed her bedsheets? Well, she didn’t think she was leaving much behind, so she agreed.

Steve did try to warn her. He did try to tell her about the future and the insane technology, not even Howard had agreed on. How Howard had a son [‘he’s hurt but he’s alive and he’s gonna be okay, Pegs, I promise.’ Funny, it sounded like Steve was convincing himself more than her], how Sargeant Barnes was alive, and the complicated history of Hydra behind it. He’d told her not to feel so guilty for it because no one knew but there was that itch, that self-guilt that told her they’d been so close to rescuing him. She just knew it, but they snuck out right under their noses.

There was a whole crowd of people waiting for her as they stepped through the portal, Steve holding the bag of essentials she’s packed. An outfit or two despite his insistence that they had clothes, a few files, photos, and even books. And of course...Steve’s photo that she kept close to her heart. She dressed comfortably, in her leather jacket from the war, slacks, and a blouse. The last she expected was a sharp whistle to cut through the crowd and to see a man with an eyepatch standing in the back. 

Steve’s sigh told him all.

“Director,” he said harshly, almost standing between him and Peggy, as if to put himself in harm’s way. “This doesn’t concern you.”

“Oh no, taking people from the past and bringing them to our future doesn’t concern me,” Fury huffed, sounding annoyed and almost amused. “Tell me why in the hell did you bring Carter here.”

“Tell me why in the hell are you speaking about me as if I’m not here?” Peggy snapped, stepping around Steve and folding her arms across her chest with an unamused look. She swore the man’s lip twitched. “I can speak for myself and don’t need Steve to speak for me. I think it’s very clear why I’m here and beyond the obvious to help recreate an organization that you have very well allowed being destroyed by your greed and a blind eye.”

There was a smirk on Steve’s lips as Fury rolled his eyes and muttered something about having ‘other plans’ and ‘not officially director anymore’ that reminded her of the scrawny boy from Brooklyn. That he was proud of her. Oh, that did the heart wonders.

“Spunky as always, huh, Auntie?” 

The voice made Peggy turn to find the owner. She felt like she was staring right at Howard Stark, except with more salt in his beard and more burn scars and a missing arm. This had to be Tony Stark. Steve’s friend, Howard’s son.

“Auntie?” She questioned, raising a brow to his amused look. “I think you’re older than me.”

Tony shrugged, still amused. “Maybe.” She scoffed as if not to say maybe. “Okay, I am but you practically raised me at points in my life. Not you, another you...the here...you. Steve, why did you have to make this difficult?”

“I did not,” Steve countered, wrapping his arm around Peggy to squeeze her close. “You’re making it awkward.”

Rolling her eyes and muttering boys, Peggy enveloped Tony in a familiar hug, mindful of the burns. 

“Auntie or not,” she sighed, patting his cheek. “I think I can still wring your ear when you need to be reminded of your manners.”

An almost familiar redhead was watching her from behind Tony. There was a sense Peggy got from her that she’s seen her before. Or perhaps another version of her. Younger, with hair and outfits that changed colors, and words that taunted her and wrung in her head. With mysteries that they still never solved. 

“Black Widow,” she breathed, much to Natasha’s amusement. “I’ve fought one of you before.”

“Dottie, if I remember correctly,” Natasha sighed, giving a small nod. “My trainers never quite let that go. You were always a pest on their side, even to the day you rescued me. Or well, you and Barton.”

Barton, she pointed out made her look over her shoulder to see a tall blonde with purple hearing aids and a boyish smile on his face. His hands wrapped around a leash, a golden lab at the end of it. Beside him stood a familiar sight. A very familiar site that took her breath away.

James Buchanan Barnes. Broader than she remembered the slender soldier, with long hair that was now tied back into a bun, and a shimmering arm of silver and gold. His stormy gray eyes betrayed the fear that echoed through him, one step more forceful than the next before he dropped to his knees at her feet. 

Peggy was quicker and saw the fall coming from a mile away, dropping with him to catch him in time and envelope him in her arms. He held onto her tightly, she was his comfort, his solace, and he was begging her for forgiveness for sins she did not know but haunted him. She felt the stubble on his face brush over her neck as he buried his face into her, his shoulders shaking with every other sob.

“I have you,” she whispered, brushing his hair back, her face tucked into his neck to give him that peace. “I have you, little one. You’re okay.”

“You-you’re...younger…” He hiccuped, trying to force those old Barnes ways back through.

“Younger and yet wiser,” she teased. Looking up, she saw the crowd disperse with the promise of introduction at dinner. Far as she understood there was still a God she had yet to meet and these other...agents. The only people who stayed were Steve, Barton, Romanoff, and another man who stood beside them with bright eyes and a smirk that reminded her of Gabe Jones.

Pulling Bucky back after giving him a few minutes, she pressed their foreheads together, brushing the tears from his cheeks. Steve had crouched beside them, a comforting smile on his face. This close, Peggy could count Bucky’s full lashes if she so wished.

“Are you okay?” She whispered in French. Steve had gotten the basics of it when he was alive beforehand, but Bucky had been fluent.

The language made him blink, the Soldier was never taught French. It was a forgotten language. But Bucky, no he knew it. It made him smile. 

“No,” he replied honestly. “Not really. You don’t understand because it hasn’t happened and I don’t think it will happen’ but I tried to kill you.” He took in a shuddering breath, avoiding looking at Steve. He wasn’t sure if Steve even knew this. “Hydra s-sent me to kill you, it was my first solo mission. No handler, no contact. In and out. I failed. You knocked some sense into me, literally, with a-a lamp post. It was...in some hotel I remember. We sat and talked. You tried to help me but I-I couldn’t let you get close. I told you of some names in..in Hydra that might be in Shield and...can remember my handlers torturing me when...when they died by your hand.”

“Damn right,” she grumbled. “Not about you...being tortured. Look at me.” She cupped both his cheeks and pressed a tender kiss between his eyes. “You are safe now, okay? You’re here and I’m not upset at you. Or going to hurt you. If...if you seeing me…”

“Stop being the selfless one for once,” Bucky snorted. “Jesus, no wonder you and Steve are perfect. You’d both take a bullet for one another.”

“Technically a grenade,” Peggy mused, making Bucky look up in alarm at the blonde.

“Steve.”

“It was...years ago, Buck, c’mon.” Steve shot Peggy a look, standing them both up and looking away as Bucky cleaned his face up.

“Did you jump on a grenade?!”

“It was a dummy!”

Peggy laughed at their bickering, hugging Bucky tightly to her and kissing his cheek. She’d missed him, no matter how much she wanted to deny it. She did miss him.

“I’m not going to avoid you, Pegs. Some days are gonna be harder than others, but I’m gonna be fine. I can’t avoid you.” He tilted her head up with the metal hand, giving her that trademark smile that reminded her of her older brother so much. “You’ll find ways to wiggle into my life later, but I...think you met my partners.”

Yes, partners, Peggy hadn’t misheard. She was reintroduced to Natasha, Clint, and now Sam. Sam, who was the great-nephew of Gabe Jones.

“I take it you kept these two in line?” Peggy teased, hugging Sam tightly who just melted into her.

“Hell no!” He laughed. “These two are hell-bent on getting themselves killed. I think they learned that from you.”

“Guilty as charged,” Peggy mused.

--

It was a full month later before Peggy was introduced to those fellow agents she was promised to meet. 

There was Mack, now the official Director of Shield, and who was very humble to meet her and as only she could describe was a giant teddy bear. He even made Steve look small.

May and Coulson, two lovebirds who were dangerous in their own way and yet we’re still in love. May just looked amused as Coulson gushed about ‘being a fan’ and Steve just looked embarrassed for her. Then it was chaos after the ‘Avengers’ saw Coulson in their living room. The chaos of yelling about how he was alive and not told for so long. That was an argument that May and Peggy quickly escorted themselves out to have a friendly chat.

Three new people arrived a day later in a small, private jet. The first soul out of it was a small blonde, little girl who came to Peggy’s hip and had all the energy as a toddler should. She laughed when Peggy caught her so she didn’t run off towards the lake, spinning her around. The laugh made her smile. And even Steve who snuck up beside her.

“Alya!” Jemma sighed, running up to Peggy before skitting to a stop over the turf when she realized who spun her daughter around in a circle. “You’re...you’re…”

“I’m told you’re a fan,” Peggy laughed, holding her hand out and shaking hers and then her husband who looked amused. “Jemma and Fitz, correct? And this is?” She held her arm up where she now hung upside down on her arm.

“That’s our littl’ monkey,” Fitz laughed, scooping his daughter up and putting her on his shoulders. “Coulson called us about...this and we didn’t want to believe.”

“You didn’t want to believe,” Jemma countered, shaking her curls. “I believed him. Why would he lie, Fitz?”

“It wasn’t lying I was worried about! Normally people pulled from the past isn’t good! Look at Sousa!’

Time stood still and Peggy felt like her heart had stopped. She was fully aware people were staring at her. Steve had stood behind her, touching her cheek.

“Pegs?” He whispered, clearly worried. “Peggy, are you okay? Hey, hey. Whoa.” 

He lowered her to the ground when her knees gave out, supporting her body. Jemma knelt beside her, sending Fitz inside with their daughter so Peggy wasn’t crowded. Even May had come out of the lake house to check in on them.

Peggy blinked a series of times, clearing her throat. She could feel Steve’s hand on her neck, checking her pulse. She felt like she couldn’t speak, her mind was stalled out. She forgot every word she knew. Everything had been replaced by his voice, his face.

While she didn’t harbor feelings for Sousa, while their kiss had been rash, and she decided not what she wanted, they parted on good terms. Really good terms. His death, his violent, needless death of a body floating in a hotel pool had made her choke on her coffee when the news was told to her in passing as if it was a normal thing.

“Sousa is alive?” She finally whispered, feeling her hands starting to shake even as Steve’s own closed around them. “He’s alive?” 

Jemma and Steve shared a look above her, one Peggy missed. “Yes,” May replied over both of them, shifting so she was in Peggy’s vision. “Yes, he’s alive. And he’s doing wonderful. They’ll be here in a few hours.” She paused as if to consider her words. “He’ll be happy to see you.”

--

“Can you handle your jealousy?”

Steve looked up from the bed, where he was trying to rethread his boots with difficulty. He paused as the boot fell to the floor, the lace slipping out of it with a heavy sigh.

“Why am I jealous? No, how am I jealous? If I remember correctly, you shot at me for kissing…”

“No, I was shooting the shield.” Peggy reasoned, fixing her last curl into place before turning to face Steve from the mirror. “And you were kissing her!”

“No, she was kissing me. She kissed me and I couldn’t back away! I’ve told you, I didn’t want her, I wanted you.”

Damn Rogers and damn him for saying the right words. Peggy’s shoulders slowly relaxed and her eyes softened as she took the boot from his hand and wrapped him in a tight hug. “I know,” she sighed. “I see you kept the marks on your shield, after all this time.”

“Well, I had to have some keepsake to remind me not to fuck up again.”

They laughed, Steve slowly kissing Peggy as he savored every moment. He only jerked when there was a knock on the door, looking embarrassed as the door opened to a new face. 

“Oh!” Daisy, breathed, her won cheeks tinging pink. “I can go if you two are busy. May just sent me to find you...two…” Her eyes fell onto Steve, then Peggy and a small smile grew on her lips as if confirming something to herself.

Peggy stood up, taking Steve’s boot in hand and lacing it in three easy strokes before handing it back to him. “I take it you must be Daisy, right?” Her hand held out to him and she smiled as they shook hands. 

“And you’re Agent Carter. Jemma has told me everything about you.” She paused, her tongue between her lips. “And Daniel.” 

“It’s okay, I’m not...jealous or anything like that.” She wanted to make that clear, even if Steve snorted from the bed. “You have anything to say, Captain?”

“Just to keep your gun away from a man who doesn’t have a shield,” Steve teased, pecking her temple. He nodded politely at Daisy. “Coulson has told me much about you and the rest of the team. He thinks highly of all of you.”

“Yeah, well for a robot...he has a lot of feelings,” Daisy laughed with a shrug of her shoulders. “Is your team still done yelling at him?”

“Friends, not team. And sorta? Thor already knew because of Sif. Tony was quick to forgive him. Bruce said he knew already from working with Fury on some side project. As for Agent Barton and Romanoff… well, they hold onto grudges for a long, long time.”

Daisy chuckled as they left, hands in her pockets as they walked down the hall. She didn’t miss how Peggy had taken Steve’s hand. “We know. Agent Romanoff has gotten May back for a few things during our time together. Try explaining to Director Fury at the time why five chickens were in her office once. It took us ages to get them out. I think Fitz still has nightmares about those chickens.”

“They’re dreadful beasts!” Fitz shouted from the kitchen. “Let’s not talk about the Chicken Incident, please.”

“They are not,” Jemma insisted, smiling at Peggy. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Wonderful, thank you. I’m glad someone knows how to make a proper cuppa. The bath and nap did help.” 

Steve pouted when Peggy’s eyes shot over to him. “Hey, I tried to learn during the war. Unlike Pinky who just put straight up a leaf in hot water one time.”

“Steven, if that’s what you call tea, then I don’t want to know what you call coffee. You just don’t have that touch.” Peggy’s hand patted at his cheek, making Steve flush. 

“Don’t worry,” a voice behind them said. “I tried through all my years with her and still didn’t learn right. Even Mr. Jarvis tried to teach me. I have too heavy of an American hand, whatever that means.”

Leaning onto his cane behind them stood Daniel Sousa with his still boyish, but more handsome face and a proud look in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. Peggy’s breath was in her throat as she saw him, her hand gripping Steve’s tightly. Everyone around them, save for Daisy and Steve suddenly found they needed to be elsewhere to give these people privacy. 

“Hey, Pegs,” Daniel breathed, giving a warm smile. “Whoa, whoa hold on.”

He nearly fell if it wasn’t for Steve when Peggy darted to him and hugged him tightly. He had to admit, some part of him felt almost a little jealous until he saw Peggy’s shoulders shake. She had taken his death hard, she’d told him. The fact there was not even a body to bury had made it much worst and he wondered how much of that funeral reminded her of his own.

“She took it hard,” Steve whispered to Daisy, giving a sympathetic look to the pair whispering to one another. “Even if they were friends after...everything, she didn’t learn about his death until weeks after. Hydra was trying to cover it up. She blamed herself.”

“She’s really hard on herself, huh?” Daisy sighed, shaking her head. “Daniel has told me everything about them. Is this...weird for you?” At Steve’s confused look, Daisy shrugged. “Your...girlfriend with her ex? Is that weird?”

“Never really had anything to compare it to, so I supposed not. Daniel is an important part of her life,” he mused. “I just have to accept that, as she has to accept my friends are important to me. She knows about Bucky and I…”

That was the last thing Daisy had expected to hear, her eyes widening. “You and the Winter Soldier were…?”

“Bucky but yes, teenagers, during the war, Peggy was involved in it. And even after.”

“I think Coulson owes me fifty bucks,” she muttered. 

“Mention it to Clint and you’ll get a hundred.” 

--

“Captain…?” 

Steve looked up from where he sat on the bench by the lake, watching Alya, Peggy, and Fitz look for ‘specimens’ in the shallow end of the lake. On the other side, Bucky and Lucky were going for a jog or more as Lucky was dragging Bucky through the marsh. In front of him stood Daniel, still with that boyish smile and leaning on his cane.

“Steve,” he corrected, scooting over and patting the seat. “Sit down. I know that thing has to hurt like hell. Don’t lie, I had to have a brace as a kid for my back. Felt like torture.”

“The whole straightening rod and all? Poor you. I see it’s done nothing for your posture,” he teased, groaning when he finally sat down. “It’s gotten better. I’m looking into better prosthetics, giving this up...feels sorta odd. Is that how the serum felt to you?”

“In a way,” Steve responded after a moment to think about it. “But in another, I didn’t know what the hell to expect. None of us did. I went in an asthmatic boy and came out...able to breathe and see color for the first time.”

“Was it Peggy?” 

Steve looked over at him, raising a brow and Daniel shrugged. “When you saw color for the first time, was Peggy your first sight?”

The Captain sighed and laid his head back, rubbing a hand over his face. “Yeah. Red. First time I saw it, you know? I knew the color existed, been told it does, but seeing it...seeing her eyes...her hair… But that red, it stuck to me. Took my breath away. She was...beautiful. Still is.”

Even if she was covered in mud now by Alya giving up the hunt and having a mud-fight. 

“I hope you don’t find it odd that I’m here, that Peggy and I talked,” Daniel replied after a few minutes of comfortable silence. “Peggy… Marge…”

“Look,” Steve put a hand on his knee and gave a gentle squeeze. “You and Peggy have a history, that’s okay. I don’t care. She’s important to you and you’re important to her. I’m not jealous. She took your death hard given everything at the time. You were there for her in times I couldn’t be and I’m thankful that you were a crutch for her to lean on. So, stop this...awkwardness...Pegs is important to both of us in separate manners. She’s gonna be here for a long, long time and I hope you stick around too. I like to think we’ll be friends even.”

He could even hear Bucky, in the back of his head, telling him what a kid he sounds like.

“I’d like that,” Daniel sighed, squeezing Steve’s hand gently. “She never stopped, you know? She never stopped hoping to find you. A part of her always kept looking. Always hoping, even if it was a body to bury. She’s always loved you.”

“I’m thankful for that because Gods know I fucked up a lot.” He gave a strained laugh, shaking his head. “She loves you too. In her own manner. It’s why your death hit her so hard.”

“Yeah, well, now we have all the time to make up for it.” Daniel stood up, holding his hand out to help Steve up with a small smirk. “Sure wish Thompson was alive right now. He’d so owe me ten bucks for even being friends with Captain America.”

“Don’t remind me,” Steve groaned, rubbing at his brow, hearing a heavy splash. He laughed at the sight of Lucky dragging Bucky through the mud before the man had the sense to let go and let the dog run off back towards the house. “That’s a face I wouldn’t mind punching, much shit as he gave Pegs.”

“Then I hope you don’t mind I’ve done it a time or two and blamed it on the alcohol,” Daniel laughed. “You want a few beers? I think they’re gonna be busy for a while.” 

“Sure. What’re a few beers between friends?”

[hag-lad]

Digging Deeper

Thank you to my radiant wonderful friend @alienfuckeronmain for sending me EXACTLY the type of self indulgent wind-down activity I wanted on this otherwise depressing weekend! If anyone else wants to answer FORTY-NINE QUESTIONS about themselves, I’m super nosy and will read it all! @fight-the-seether @ptolemyofchaos @butchwizard @metalbutch @nyndelion @comrade-ziltoid @leatherdear @kristalknobb Enjoy, friends!

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? I prefer black, but I always feel like I write neater in blue??

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? The city, but only if it has breathable air, green infrastructure, and decent public transit. So like... definitely no city in America lmao

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? The ability to quickly become fluent in another language! I’ve been struggling with Spanish for literal YEARS and it’s honestly pathetic. My brain is so stuck on English.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Look pal. If I wanna drink sugar, I’m gonna have a soda, not herb water or bean juice.

5. What was your favorite book as a child? I was OBSESSED with The Wish List, by Eoin Colfer (of Artemis Fowl fame). I remember being so fascinated by how dark it was?? It’s an afterlife adventure, where the main character has to escape purgatory by atoning for her crimes of robbery and fraud and whatever. I had a crush on her, so basically this book made me want to pursue a life of crime, even though it explicitly condemns crime and depicts Hell as a very real and horrible place. I was in like fourth grade and was super morbidly curious about Hell and the possibility of going there! Lol

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? Baths... but only when I’m not actually dirty going in. A bath is leisure, not hygiene.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be? 100% fae! I would build my dwelling within a sidhe mound, steal shiny things in the middle of the night, make bastardly little contracts for no reason, and cause harmless mayhem and mischief because mortals really are fools (go off, robin goodfellow!) Also I love mushroom circles and dancing in the moonlight.

8. Paper or electronic books? Paper all the way! I read much more content electronically, but it’s usually in the short story or article format. Books are much better in print, I think.

9. What is your favorite item of clothing? Probably my rust-brown overalls.

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I’ve always hated my name but no alternative has ever stuck, unfortunately. My name is Amy, and I don’t think it fits at all. If I knew I’d never have to correct anyone on it, I’d probably just change it to Amelia?

11. Who is a mentor to you? My little brother! He’s this genius musician, and he has taught me so much about song structure, polyrhythms, guitar technique, production tricks, all kinds of trivia that really deepen my appreciation for music and the LABOR that goes into it.

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? No, never, not for anything. I cherish my anonimity so much, I don’t even put searchable tags on this blog cuz I get an adrenaline spike from anxiety if too many people interact with me. I also just think fame is a fucking hideous construct. I don’t think it’s even slightly cool or desirable.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? No, I’m a fucking log. I can easily sleep for 12 hours straight. Thanks, depression!

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? No, actually. I’m very much in love, and it brings me lots of joy to do nice things with and for my partner! But romance feels very difficult for me to connect with. I’m super domestic, like, I love the idea of marriage but not necessarily a wedding, or a moonstruck romance or whatever. Those dramatic gestures feel very awkward for me.

15. Which element best represents you? EARTH. Specifically, like... dirt, or soil.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? I want to be geographically closer to my family. We’re thick as thieves, but we all live like 50 miles apart from each other. I miss my brothers and my parents so much, I feel so incomplete and depressed without them to hang out with, especially since quarantine.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? See above! Lol

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. When my little brother was a baby, he had this grey car seat with a folding mechanism which held his legs in place. It made a very satisfying clicking sound when the mechanism moved, AND when it was fully unfolded, it looked a lot like a Klingon battle cruiser. (Or so my five year old brain thought.) So! My older brother and I would take this seat out of the car CONSTANTLY so that we could unfold it and “sing” the Klingon theme music from Star Trek: The Motion Picture while we scooched our car seat battle cruiser across the living room floor, pretending to shoot phasers into the TV or the dining table or whatever else got in our way.

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? Gifilte fish, maybe?

20. What are you most thankful for? My family, including my wonderful partner and all the cats in our lives!

21. Do you like spicy food? Yes! But my tolerance for extreme spice decreases every year, unfortunately. So I can’t handle as much heat as I used to, but I do enjoy a good kick.

22. Have you ever met someone famous? Lmaooo I made the regretful decision to PAY FOR a meet&greet with Fall Out Boy in like 2006, which was so fucking awkward and painful, I vowed to never approach that level of lame again.

23. Do you keep a diary or a journal? TONS! I’m an obsessive record keeper. Some years I journal more than others, and I’ve found that it is super difficult to keep up with it while working full time. But it’s absolutely one of my favorite hobbies.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or pencil? Pen for writing. Pencil for drawing, and math.

25. What is your star sign? Virgo sun, Aquarius moon, Scorpio rising 🙃

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Crunchy! A shallow bath in that milk is key.

27. What would you want your legacy to be? My artwork. I go through these aesthetic phases every year that I become super obsessed with/ focused on, and I’ve always meant to catalogue them in annual art journals, but I’ve NEVER FINISHED ONE! They always get pushed aside by the need to work, and I hate that so much. If I could just take a year off work and backfill all of my missed concepts into completed books, I would be so happy. But I literally have NO WAY to pay for that, absolutely none. I fucking hate capitalism.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I love to read, but finishing a whole book has been A STRUGGLE lately! Right now I’m chipping away at Tending Brigid’s Flame, which is a quaint lil devotional for the Celtic fire goddess. Very new agey, like cheesy Wiccan vibes. I love that shit!

29. How do you show someone you love them? Quality time!

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? Only if I have a straw. Ice touching my teeth kinda makes me wince.

31. What are you afraid of? Incompetance, doing a bad job, letting someone down, taking up too much space, being a nussiance, etc

32. What is your favourite scent? Incense! Especially cinnamon, dragon’s blood, and amber.

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? I always call people, regardless of age, by the name they ask me to use. Sometimes it’s a surname or title, usually it’s a first name. I’ll ask their preference if I’m unsure. But I definitely don’t default toward a surname, that’s weird.

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY!!!!!! The need for money rules literally every single hour of my entire life, and I hate it so much. I’m naturally nocturnal, but my job requires me to get up super early and sit in a car for 11 hours a day. I wake up at 5am, come home front work at 5pm, spend an hour or two trying to unwind, then go to bed and do it all over again. I hate my life! Really! I never see the stars, I never exercise, I am completely exhausted and burnt out all the time, and I barely get any quality time with my partner. If money were no object, I would sleep til noon or 1, make art and hike all day, ride my bike and stargaze all night, stay up til 4am reading and playing with my cats, and sleep like a baby. My partner and I would cook dinner for each other and watch Star Trek and collaborate on art projects and I would be so happy.

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? Here’s my hierarchy: Private pool > ocean > public pool

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? I’d look around to see if anyone obviously dropped it and try to give it back. If I couldn’t find anyone, I’d exchange it for dollars and deposit that shit into my account!

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Of course!! Hundreds!

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? America is evil and needs to be destroyed.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Lmao this is so cute. If you HAD TO HAVE a tattoo! I really wanna finish my damn sleeves, they’re literally 9 years in the making and barely half finished. But I’d also love more art on my legs! I DESPERATELY want Ziltoid in a lacy valentine heart on my thigh.

40. What can you hear now? Our fish tank water bubbling and my fan on full blast.

41. Where do you feel the safest? Home alone, doors locked, windows covered, lights low. I absolutely LOVE to not be seen or perceived in any way.

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? My fear of discomfort

43. If you could time travel to another era, which one would you choose? I feel like I’d want to be a teen in the 80’s and an adult in the 90’s. Does time travel work that way?

44. What is your most used emoji? 😭 or 😎

45. Describe yourself using one word. Defeated

46. What do you regret the most? Convincing myself that math was too hard or boring (or something?) when I was in middle school. I feel like I’m actually a pretty intelligent person who could’ve totally overcome that difficulty and gone on to understand all kinds of patterns and concepts which have eluded me to this day! It’s so frustrating to try and fight that formative self-concept, which now comes naturally but ultimately sabotages me. 💀

47. Last movie you saw? I made my partner watch Troop Beverly Hills, one of my childhood faves. It’s so fun! I love chick flicks so much.

48. Last tv show you watched? Deep Space Nine. Getting through the first season has been harder than expected. It’s actually my favorite Star Trek show?? (Orrrr maybe that’s TNG, ahh! It’s so hard to choose!) But season one is so baffling and awful! Why is there so much space capitalism??! And racism? And war? And drinking alcoholic beverages? #notmystartrek

49. Invent a word and its meaning. I used to call a single strand of curly hair a “curly quink” when I was a child. Therefore, a “quink” is a section of hair, usually a particularly cute or iconic one.

[purplesurveys]

722

How many walls are in your bedroom? It’s your typical four-wall bedroom. What do you think about Fall Out Boy? I like their older stuff and my favorite album of theirs is Folie à Deux by a mile. Haven’t been able to keep up much with their new material, but I definitely don’t hate the stuff they’ve been putting out. Do you know where Guatemala is? I wouldn’t know where to find it on a map but I know it’s somewhere in the middle of North and South America? At least I’m pretty sure? Do you find musicians attractive? I mean being a musician isn’t necessarily a criterion for me to be attracted to someone, but sure I’ve come across good-looking musicians in the past. Do you like hard boiled eggs? They’re okay but I like soft-boiled more.

Do you know anyone named Hector? Nope. Would you move to another country for the one you love? We’ve had this conversation before and she has vehemently scolded me when I said that I honestly would, but idk that’s me. Then again, we’ve never been in that situation so I don’t really know how I’d actually act when it came to that. Do you own an instrument? We have a keyboard, but it’s for everyone’s use. I don’t own any of my own. What do you usually have for lunch? Ever since the quarantine started my family has only been having very late breakfast and dinner, so I’ve technically been skipping lunch for over a month now. But before this whole thing started my lunch would typically be whatever my mom can cook, which is pretty limited – fried chicken, sisig, and giniling with varied soups are her usuals, if I remember right. Ever had a pregnancy scare? I would have absolutely no reason to have one. What do you think about the Purple People Eater? I’ve never heard of this before. What the hell is that looool Are you pale or tan? Tan. What's the weather like right now? It’s windy, just a tad chilly, and comfortable enough during the night which I’m thankful for, but the days are excruciatingly hot. Sometimes it’ll be very humid and the air becomes too heavy and difficult to breathe in, and it usually means it will rain that night, but that’s seldom. I get headaches almost everyday now because of the rapid temperature changes, and it suuuucks because we’ve run out of Biogesic in the house. Do you like cats? No. We have such different personalities and I can tell all of the ones I’ve encountered don’t like me. But for the next few days I’ll probably have a brief soft spot for cats because my sister’s cat, Arlee, passed away last Sunday. We were never close and her tail always got bushy whenever she saw me, but it was the first time I had to deal with a pet cat dying and I was still pretty shattered by it. What's the best part about Wal*Mart? I dunno, I can’t relate. Do you think Akon is amazing or annoying? I think neither of him. I mostly don’t mind him. Do you like the buzz cigarettes give you? I’ve... never gotten a ~buzz from them before? Am I smoking wrong? Lmao. But uh idk it’s weirdly pleasurable overall, and now I’m ever so slightly disgusted with myself for even being able to say that now. Are you a practical joker? Nope, I hate pranks. Do you like pop? This is slang for soda right? No I don’t. I feel like my tongue is being cut off every time I try it out and that always ruins the whole experience for me. What are you looking forward to? Eating the box of sushi sitting beside me. Angela surprised me for my birthday and had the sushi delivered to my house :) Have you ever laughed so hard you couldn't breathe? I’m sure most of us have. What's your favorite band? This question has been everywhere recently. I like Paramore the most but just so I give a different answer for once, I also enjoy alt-J. Do you feel stupid when you spill things on yourself? My mom has conditioned me to think this way, so yes. I feel pretty stupid when I drop or spill anything. Are you excited for summer? In the current global situation? It’s hard to feel excited for anything, especially when experts have recommended closing everything down until at least August. Have you ever snuck out? No. My mom would’ve found out easily. It’s always easier to ask for permission cause she’s never said no anyway. When's the last time you were kissed? :( A month and two weeks. Would you ever eat popcorn & salsa? I’ve never tried them together; I think it’d be a weird combination plus salsa already isn’t my dip of choice anyway. Do you sleep with the television on? Nah but close. I’ll sometimes sleep with Netflx or YouTube playing on my phone, depending on what I feel like listening to before falling asleep. Would you ever want to be able to be invisible? I’ll fantasize about it sometimes, sure. What does your favorite shirt look like? Don’t have a current favorite shirt since I can’t go out anyway. What's your favorite scent? Gabie’s perfume or any freshly cooked food. Skype, Msn, Aim, or Yahoo? All of these are pretty much ancient now. What's your favorite time of the day? These days I’m really loving these hours in particular – midnight onwards. It’s nice to finally be alone considering I’m cooped up in a house with family literally all day, and it’s nice to use the alone time listening to lo-fi and answering a survey or two. Do you hate the phrase ''love ya'' when coming from a boyfriend/girlfriend? Yeah it wouldn’t sit well with me if it came from Gabie. But I say this regularly to my friends. What do you do when someone in the room has b.o.? Look away if I’m forced to be with them, or just move away altogether if I’m not talking to them directly. What movie would you like to see right now? Not really in a movie watching mood rn. I just watched Two for the Road a couple of nights ago and that’s enough for me, hahaha. How many times a day do you shower? Just once. What do you think of the name Chloe? It’s cute! It’s already common where I live so it’s not one of my top baby name choices, but I really love the name and I think this spelling in particular is cute. Do you like Hollister? When I was 14, sure. I was mostly invested in them because Louis Tomlinson of 1D’s girlfriend used to be a Hollister model HAHAHAHA. These days I largely don’t care for the brand. What's your favorite alcoholic drink? I always go for a Long Island Iced Tea whenever they have it on a menu. Do you like 80's music? Like, 0.0003% of it. Just not my decade for music. Do you have to wear glasses or have contacts? I wear glasses. I choose not to wear contacts. Do you play Halo or Gears of War? No for both. How do you feel about cleaning? I think it’s...necessary lol? I don’t really actively feel anything for it, other than it has to be done every now and then. What do you think of emo kids? I think we should leave ‘em be. Do you like the movie Grease? I don’t like musicals. Do you like singing? Only by myself or if I’m absolutely shitfaced drunk.

What's your favorite Jim Carrey movie? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, WITHOUT A DOUBT. There's a knock at your door at 4 in the morning; what do you do? Welp, given that there’s been a recent disturbance in our village where a construction worker broke into a neighbor’s home, I’ll probably be more wary this time around and just ignore it. I’ll stay alert for a few minutes to see whether they start breaking in after being ignored or simply walk away so that I’m ready to wake up my parents and start screaming if they do the former. Do you like peaches? I hate all fruits. Ever lost a best friend? Not to death, but I’ve drifted apart from a best friend.

Ever heard of a town called Wadena? No. Only Wakanda, heh. Have you ever been to a funeral? I’ve never been to a funeral; I’ve only visited wakes. We were pretty sheltered when it came to death and I would dread the day I’d have to go to my first funeral because I don’t know if I’d be capable of processing the events. What's your favorite sport? Pro wrestling if it counts. If it doesn’t, tennis is my favorite to watch while table tennis is my favorite to play. What do you think about homeschooling? Egh the homeschooled kids where I live always turn out to be a bit weird or not very sociable, so I’m kinda biased against it. I don’t know if homeschooling in other countries can say the same, though. What do you think about French people? I don’t think anything of them. Thankful for their pain au chocolat though. Do you like your parents? Yes. They’ve worked harder than anyone I know to get to where they are now and to be able to provide as much as they have for their three kids. I respect them tremendously for that. I just wish we were more open and expressive and affectionate as a family in general; that would literally solve like 9732 of my problems. And I also wish that my mom wasn’t verbally abusive at times. What do you think about Minnesota? OMG nothing, stop. Do/did you like high school? It had its ups and downs. I’m mostly in the middle about it, like I can’t say I enjoyed it cause then that would betray the things I hated about it, and I can’t say I mostly hated it cause that would invalidate the good times. I did learn a lot though, that I can say for sure. Do you have any Asian friends? All of my friends are Asian. Is it cold where you live? Not even barely. Do you find accents attractive? No. I find most of them difficult to follow which is why I always need subtitles when I view anything foreign haha. Do you hate it when people make spelling mistakes? No, unless they act like a know-it-all but still fuck up their spelling. Would you ever let your boyfriend/girlfriend do your makeup? I would DEFINITELY let them do my makeup – she’d be the first person I would run to hahaha because I don’t know the first thing about applying makeup. Do you like to shop? Not like every week, but it is fun to fall down the rabbit hole and start grabbing clothes heh. How long are you on the computer during a 24 hour period? These days I’m not on it for long, which I’m really happy about! When the lockdown started I was really worried that I was gonna be too dependent on my laptop and never close it for the entire quarantine period, but the opposite has been happening. I really just open it in the evening when I take surveys, so that’s around 3-4 hours. Is money really that important? It is for me, and for everyone else in this third world Southeast Asian country. Have you ever broken a bone? Nope. Who is your favorite family member? My dog. What size bed do you have? Just a twin size, nothing special. Can’t wait to earn on my own and buy me a much bigger mattress. What age do you want to be married? Late 20s, if possible. I want to be ready for kids by the time I hit my 30s.   What's the last thing your wrote? A Facebook message for Gabie. What do you think of your town? It’s mostly uneventful here, but I think I prefer living in a calm city cause I suppose it would be exhausting living in a city that’s so hectic all the time. My situation also gives me a healthy balance of busy and quiet which I think has helped my wellbeing. When's the last time you played hide & go seek? Years and years and years ago. I think it was when we first moved into the house and it was still mostly empty.

[ilya-sorokins]

Prompt: cliche as fuck Lucaya break up Lucas moves. Comes back years later to find out Maya has a kid. His kid but he doesn't know. And no one will tell him.

so i think i got this ask in 2017 (tumblr really ought to put dates on these things) HOWEVER i started it like as soon as a got it, and i forgot about it for like a year, and i FINALLY finished it! pls keep in mind that this was written over the course of at least a year and a half and no one proofread it lmao. also lucaya is pretty much dead so i’m not expecting much out of this. 

title: everything’s gonna be alrightword count: 7k+ship: lucaya, side riarkleao3

It all starts when Lucas Friar is offered a job. Not just any job, though. A job in Texas. A job that’s approximately 1,743 miles away from New York City. It’s also a job that’s approximately 1,743 miles from Maya Hart.

When he first tells Maya, she laughs, “You’re kidding, right?” But his face says otherwise. “Wait, you aren’t seriously considering accepting the offer, are you?”

“I’ve already accepted, Maya,” he tells her gently, squeezing her hand in his. “One of my former professors recommended me for the position, and the pay is amazing. I couldn’t turn it down.”

“What about me?” she asks, taking her hand from his and crossing her arms. She pinches herself repeatedly, thinking, This is just a dream, you’ll wake up and laugh at such a crazy idea. Lucas isn’t moving to Texas any time soon.

Brows furrowed, Lucas responds, “I assumed you would come with me. We were planning on moving in together soon, anyways.”

He reaches to take her hand again, but she moves away from his touch. Shocked at her reaction, he inches away from the blonde, a chasm beginning to grow between them.

“Lucas, you do realize that I have a life here, right?” she snaps, clenching her fists in her lap. “I have a family, friends, a damn job. I can’t just uproot my life.”

“I know,” he says slowly, thoughts churning in his head, “I just–well, I thought you’d want to come with me. We love each other. I’d planned on spending my life with you.”

The anger inside Maya quickly boils down into sadness and heartbreak. “I do love you, Lucas,” she begins, tears welling in her blue eyes, “but if you actually take this job, if you actually leave, then we’re done. There can’t be an us if you’re halfway across the country.”

“Then I guess we’re over,” he says simply. “I can’t turn down this opportunity. I’d never forgive myself. Maybe one day you’ll understand that, Maya.”

She’s so shocked that she doesn’t even realize he’s left until the door slams. Then the floodgates open and sobs wrack her tiny body. Tears stream down her cheeks, dripping onto her chest.

Maya cries so violently she ends up making herself sick. She runs to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before she vomits.

But the burn in her throat is nothing compared to the pain of her broken heart.

On autopilot, the woman gets up from the floor to brush her teeth. As she looks in the mirror, her disheveled reflection shows her mascara stained cheeks and post-vomit session hair. Normally Maya would fix herself up, make herself look presentable, but she can’t bring herself to do it.

It’s not like she has anyone to impress anymore.

Before she starts crying again, she decides to make a call. She finds her phone and goes to her favorite contacts. Before long, she’s greeted with a chirpy, “Peaches! How’d it go? I’ve been thinking about it all day!”

She takes a deep breathe. “I didn’t get to tell him, Riles. We just broke up.”

“What?!” Riley screeches, her tone dripping in shock. “Why? I thought you all were happy.”

“So did I,” the blonde muses. “He accepted a position in back in Austin without talking to me about it. He just assumed I’d go with him.”

The other woman’s gasp can be heard through the phone. “That’s terrible. I’m so sorry, Maya.”

“I wish I could go with him,” she says honestly. “It’s not like I can. I’ve worked too hard to get my teaching job to just leave.”

“I agree with you, but what about–”

“The baby?” Maya finishes for her. The awkward silence is an answer enough. “He’s not going to find out that I’m pregnant. He doesn’t need to know. When he chose the job over me, he lost his right to know about my life. Plus, I was raised by a single mom, and I turned out okay. At least I think I did. We’ll make do.”

“Peaches, do you want me to come over?” Riley asks, concerned about her friend.

“You don’t need to do that…” she answers, trailing off. “But if you want to, I wouldn’t be opposed to eating ice cream and watching Friends in our pajamas.”

Her best friend laughs and it’s the first time Maya smiles since Lucas told her about the job offer.

“Okay, I’ll grab a few pints of Ben and Jerry’s and head over. Be there in thirty?”

Maya responds, “That works. Thank you, Riles. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Everything’s gonna be alright.”

The blonde lets out a breath, “Let’s hope.”

When she ends the call, she drops her hand to her still-flat stomach.

I guess it’s just me and you now, kiddo, she thinks, rubbing small circles. Everything’s gonna be alright. 

—————————————-—————————————-

On a scorching day in the late spring, Maya gives birth to a beautiful baby girl after an incredibly long labor. She has wisps of dark blonde hair and her mother’s piercing blue eyes. The first person to hold her after her mother is Riley.

“She’s perfect, Maya,” the brunette whispers, holding the newborn in her arms. “Did you pick her name?”

She nods, looking at the sleeping baby in her friends arms, “Lucy Jane Hart. Lucy means light, and this little one is the light of my life.”

Riley says, “I love it. She’s lucky to have such a great mom.”

“I hope you’re right. I really, really hope so.”

While this moment occurs in New York, Lucas is returning to an empty apartment in Texas. He’s had yet another boring day at work, and every part of him misses Maya.

There have been several nights where he’s had a few drinks and almost called her, but even when he’s drunk he can’t forget her words.

If you actually leave, then we’re done.

And Lucas left. He made that decision. With each day that passes, his mistake becomes more and more apparent.

As he opens his first beer of the night, he says to nothing, “I miss Maya,” and wishes she was there with him.

At the same time, Maya holds her daughter and says, “I miss Lucas,” and wishes he was there with her.  

But neither knows they’re thinking the same thing, and they go on with their lives. One day at a time.

—————————————-—————————————-

Almost six years later, Maya hears the words she never thought she’d hear.

“Lucas is back,” Farkle tells her over the phone. “He’s literally on his way to my apartment as we speak.”

It comes as such a shock to her body that she finds herself doubled over her classroom’s trash can, throwing up her lunch. Luckily it’s after school hours, so she won’t have any curious middle school students asking, “Miss Hart, are you okay?”

(Because her answer would be no, Miss Hart is not okay.)

“Maya,” she hears through her cell. “Maya, are you still there?”

She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, picking up her phone to answer him. “I’m still here. I just threw up everything in my stomach.”

“Shit, Maya,” he says with a sigh. “I knew you wouldn’t be excited, but I didn’t think you’d react that badly.”

“Tell me about it,” she mutters. She hadn’t thrown up since her morning sickness days. Maya’s generally a healthy person. Except when she finds out the father of her child is back in town. That easily upsets her stomach. “Is he back for good?”

“Yes. He’s transferring to a vet’s office in the city,” Farkle tells her. “He asked to stay with us for a few nights, he can’t move into his apartment until Monday.”

“Oh, fuck,” Maya curses. “He’s gonna want to see me, isn’t he?”

“He’s already asked about you. He didn’t waste any time.”

A blush spreads across her cheeks and she’s immediately thankful to be alone right now. “Dammit,” she curses again.

“Uh, Maya,” he says, “You do remember what day it is, right?”

The woman’s eyes trail to her desk calendar. Thursday. What’s so special about Thurs– “Fuck, you all have Lucy right now!” she remembers. Riley always watches the five year old at her and Farkle’s place so Maya can stay at the school and finish up some work. “Wait–you said he’s on his way now?!”

“That’s what I said.”

“Shit! He’s gonna know she’s not yours!” she rambles, grabbing her bag. “I’m leaving the school right now. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

“You’ll probably get here right before him.”

“Oh, I will be there before him,” Maya promises, exiting the building. She hangs up the phone and books it to the Minkus-Matthews apartment.

When she arrives, she’s drenched in sweat and her feet are on fire. Silently she curses herself for picking style over comfort when it came to today’s shoes. The wedges seemed like a great idea this morning.

Letting herself in, Maya calls out, “Hello?”

Seconds later the pitter-patter of tiny feet can be heard. Lucy crashes into her mother, nearly knocking Maya down, greeting, “Mommy! You’re early!”

“I just missed you so much!” she tells her, stooping down to her level. The little girl beams at her, ecstatic at the surprise.

“I missed you, too, Mommy! I had so much fun at school today!” she tells her, jittering with energy.

Maya laughs, wondering exactly how fun a day of first grade could be. Nonetheless, she replies, “I can’t wait to hear all about it, little bug. Where’s Auntie Riley and Uncle Farkle?”

The girl grabs her hand, leading her through the apartment. In the kitchen she finds the couple, where they are speaking in heated whispers, undoubtedly over Lucas’ impending arrival.

“Peaches!” Riley says, still greeting with the childhood nickname. “How was your day?”

“It was great until I got the news,” she says, letting out a sigh. She looks around to see what Lucy’s doing, but she’s too busy showing Farkle her new book to eavesdrop. “I’m scared, Riley.”

The woman’s face falls. “I’m sure it’ll be fine, Maya. Plus, it could be good, you know,” she tells her, then her voice drops to a whisper, “Meeting her dad.”

Maya shakes her head, “I don’t know, Riles. It’s always been us. Lucy’s never even asked about her dad. Anyways, he may not even want her.”

The brunette narrows her eyes, “You know that’s not true. He will do everything for her once he finds out. Plus, Lucy will start asking about him sooner rather than later.”

As much as she doesn’t want to admit it, she knows she’s right. Lucas isn’t the type to abandon his own daughter. If anything, he’ll want to make up for nearly six years of lost time. And Maya also knows that he’s going to be heartbroken that she never told him. But she’ll cross that road when she comes to it.

And just because Lucy isn’t curious about her dad now, doesn’t mean she won’t ever be. Maya knows that from experience.

When the doorbell rings and interrupts her thoughts, she nearly collapses. Oh, god, I’m seeing Lucas Friar for the first time in almost seven years, she thinks, taking a deep breath and exhaling.

“I’ve got it!” Farkle calls out, headed towards the door. A curious Lucy attempts to trail behind him, but Maya quickly gets her attention.

“Lucy, honey, come here!” she calls.

The little girl walks over, “Yes, Mommy?”

“We’re gonna head home soon, do you have all your stuff together?”

She pauses, thinking about the question. She shakes her head, “Nope. I will get all my things.”

The woman smiles. “Thank you, baby girl.”

Quickly Lucy runs off to do as she’s told.

Moments later, a new voice nearly stops her heart. A voice that she hasn’t heard in nearly 7 years, but still causes her knees to weaken, and her cheeks to flush.

“Wow, Shortstack, you’ve barely changed,” Lucas walks into the kitchen, setting his bags down on the tile.

Heart pounding rapidly, Maya replies, “Same goes to you, Ranger Rick.”

The tension in the room could be cut with a knife, but Riley swoops in to hug him. She easily distracts the man from his ex-girlfriend. The brunette badgers him with questions about his time in Texas and his new job here.

Maya almost thinks she’ll be able to sneak out without him noticing, but then her lovely daughter barrels into the room, huge backpack engulfing her tiny body as she yells, “Mommy, I’m ready to go!”

Lucas turns around, looking at the child, then up to the blonde, “Maya, you have a daughter?”

“Yes,” she answers, holding her daughter close to her. She bends down, introducing her little girl, “Lucy, this is Lucas. He’s one of Mommy’s… old friends.”

“Hi,” she sticks her hand out, “Nice to meet you, Lucas.”

Stooping down to her level, he smiles and shakes her tiny hand, “Hi, Lucy. Nice to meet you, too. How old are you?”

“I am five–but I am almost six!” she answers, very excited about her upcoming birthday. “I will be six on May 15th!”

“That’s very soon. I can see why you’re excited.” He looks back up to Maya, then says, “She’s beautiful, looks just like you.”

Somehow, her cheeks flush an even brighter red as she says, “Thank you, Lucas.” She grabs Lucy’s hand, “Let’s go, little bug.”

“Okay!” she says, grinning. “Bye, Lucas! Bye, Auntie Riley and Uncle Farkle!”

Before they head out, Lucas comes up to her, “Maya?”

“Yeah?”

“I was wondering, um, maybe–if you’re okay with it? Could we, uh, have dinner sometime? Catch up?” he asks. “But only if you want to!”

Maya is slightly taken aback by the offer, but still finds herself saying, “Sure. Shoot me a message–my number’s still the same.”

He smiles, “Great. See you around.”

“Yeah. See you around,” she replies, then shuffles her daughter out the door.

Once they get outside and head towards the subway, Lucy asks, “Mommy, why is your face so red?”

The woman blushes even more. “Just hot, sweetie. Let’s go home.”

—————————————-—————————————-

“So why didn’t you all tell me that Maya has a kid?” Lucas asks his friends after she leaves.

Farkle shrugs, “It’s not like it really came up in conversation. You didn’t ask about her until today.”

“Is the–is the father in the picture?” he questions. He didn’t even think about her not being single when he asked her to dinner. (Not that this dinner has to be a date, by any means. But he really, really wants it to be a date.)

“No,” Riley answers quickly. She looks uncomfortable as she goes on, “They broke up before she found out she was pregnant. He never found out…”

“Damn,” Lucas replies, rubbing the back of his neck. Every part of him knew Maya would’ve moved on from him, but he never would’ve imagined that she had a child. Hell, based on the age of her daughter, she must’ve moved on almost immediately.

The brunette adds, “Well, she’s doing great. Maya’s a great mom, and Lucy is a great kid.”

“I can imagine,” he comments. Pasting on a fake smile, he changes the subject, “What about you all? The wedding is soon, yeah?”

The couple launches into details about their impending nuptials, but even seeing the immense happiness on their faces isn’t enough to distract his own thoughts.

When his transfer got approved, his first thought was just Maya. Maya is in New York. He’s back in New York. Lucas hoped that things could back to how they were before. Before he left her for a job that he hated.

But Maya has a daughter, a beautiful little girl that is the center of her life. She won’t drop everything to go back to the man that broke her heart. Besides, she may not want him back anyways.

But I still love her, he thinks. I never stopped loving her.

—————————————-—————————————-

“Alright, little bug,” Maya sing songs, brushing out Lucy’s wet hair, “It is definitely bedtime.”

The young girl frowns, “Do I have to?”

“Yes,” she nods, kissing the top of her head, “you have school tomorrow, and Mommy has to work. So, it’s bedtime. Go brush your teeth so I can tuck you in.”

Lucy obliges, running off to the bathroom. While she’s in there, Maya gets a call from an unsaved number.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Maya. Can you talk right now?”

Lucas’ voice comes as a slight shock. She hadn’t expected him to contact her so soon. “Oh, hey, Lucas,” she responds after a moment of silence. “I’m getting ready to tuck Lucy in, can you wait a few minutes?”

“Shit, sorry,” he stammers. “I can call you back or–”

“No, no,” she tells him. “It’ll just take a few minutes. Stay on the call, okay?”

He agrees, and Maya leaves her phone on her bed. When she gets to Lucy’s room, she’s already in her bed, waiting patiently.

“Okay, little bug,” she says, taking her seat on the edge of her bed. The blonde starts tucking the blankets up around her daughter, then plants a kiss on her cheek, “I love you, Lucy. Sleep tight, baby girl.”

“I love you, too, Mommy,” Lucy tells her, snuggling into bed.

Maya picks her favorite teddy off the floor, then hands it to her. She gives her one last kiss, saying, “Good night.”

Before she leaves the room she makes sure the night light is on and switches the rest off. When she gets back to her own bedroom, she picks up her phone and asks, “You still there?”

“Yeah,” Lucas answers. “I wanted to… I wanted to know how you were doing? We didn’t really get to talk earlier… And it’s been a long time.”

“I’m good, I guess,” she says, walking out of her bedroom and to the kitchen. If I’m gonna talk to him, I’m pouring myself a glass of wine, she tells herself, grabbing the bottle from the fridge. “I keep busy. I’m still the art teacher at our old middle school, and being a single mom isn’t exactly easy.”

He laughs, “I can imagine she’s a handful. But she seems wonderful, Maya. I can’t get over how much she looks like you. She’s your twin.”

Taking a big gulp from her glass, she says, “Thank you. She’s perfect. I can’t imagine life without her. I didn’t know my life was missing something until she was placed in my arms.”

“I’m glad you’re happy,” he tells her. “I’ve thought a lot about you.”

Without thinking, she replies, “I’ve thought a lot about you, too, Ranger Rick.”

“Really?” he asks in disbelief. “I figured you hated me.”

Maya takes another sip of her wine. “I could never hate you. You know that.”

Lucas’ deep breath can be heard through the call, “You had every right to.”

“I did,” she agrees, “but I never once hated you.”

It’s not a lie. Even throughout her entire pregnancy, the late night feedings, and the days where she just wanted someone to hold her, Maya never hated Lucas. She couldn’t hate him, he gave her Lucy. But, she had missed him. She would’ve done anything to have him back by her side.

“Do you think we could do dinner this Saturday night?” he asks, “I wasn’t sure if you had a sitter, or if you even wanted to.”

She laughs, “I’d love to. It’ll be nice to have some company that isn’t five years old, or a middle school student, or a stressed couple planning the wedding of the century.”

“They really are going over the top, aren’t they?” Lucas jokes. The Minkus-Matthews’ wedding won’t be one to miss. “So–Saturday at 6? I’ll text you the address.”

“As long as my sitter is free, I’m in,” she says.

“Great. I’ll let you go now,” he responds. “Bye, Maya.”

“Bye, Lucas,” she says, then ends the call. She downs the rest of her wine, then calls her best friend. As soon as Riley answers, Maya greets with, “I think I just agreed to a date with Lucas Friar.”

—————————————-—————————————-

“Mommy, why do you look so fancy?” Lucy asks, watching her mother carefully apply her nude lipstick.

“I’m going to a fancy dinner, so I have to look fancy,” Maya answers, pouting her lips in the mirror. Naturally, the girl imitates her, causing the woman to chuckle. “Are you excited to spend the night with Nana?”

“Yeah!” she exclaims, bouncing on her heels. “Nana and I are gonna make sketti and meatballs! Then we’re gonna watch a movie!”

“Wow!” she enthuses, pushing a loose curl out of Lucy’s eyes. “It sounds like you all are gonna have so much fun.”

“We will!”

Maya sends her off to put her shoes on, and she slips her heels on herself. Checking her reflection, she smoothes out her dress and checks her hair one last time. She’s wearing a deep red halter dress that hugs her curves, paired with her trusty black pumps. Once she’s ready, she heads out with Lucy in tow.

After she drops Lucy off at her mom’s place (with the promise of having her in bed by 8:30, but Maya knows Katy is a sucker and will let her grandbaby stay up way past her bedtime), she hails a cab to the upscale Italian restaurant. When she arrives, she immediately spots her date, and her knees go wobbly.

Lucas looks good. He’s wearing a navy blue suit, which is Maya’s absolute weakness. She greets him with, “Well, you still clean up pretty well, Cowboy.”

“Thanks, Shortstack,” He grins, looking her up and down, “You look gorgeous, Maya.”

Her heart feels like it could burst out of her chest, but she tries to ignore the feeling. “Thank you, Lucas.”

Their hands brush together as they walk into the restaurant, but they both pull away quickly, blushing.

(Maya hopes her blush isn’t as bad as she believes it is, because she feels as red as her dress at the moment.)

(Lucas thinks the exact same thing as he gives his name for the reservation.)

They’re taken to a secluded table near the back. “Enjoy your dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Friar,” comments the hostess.

Maya wants to correct her, but she decides to keep her mouth shut. Once she’s out of earshot, she laughs, “Awkward.”

The man chuckles in agreement, grabbing the wine list, “Red or white?”

“Hmm,” she ponders, tapping her chin in thought. “Red.”

When the waiter arrives, he orders a whole bottle of Cabernet for the two of them– the price nearly makes her faint, but he doesn’t seem phased. Before the wine even makes it to the table, Lucas apologizes, “Can I just go ahead and say I’m sorry? Because I am so sorry.”

“For what, exactly?” she responds, busying her hands with the dinner napkin in her lap. She can only imagine where this conversation will go.

He lets out a deep sigh, “For being so stupid all those years ago. I never should’ve accepted the job offer without talking to you first.”

The blonde says, “It’s okay, Lucas. The past is the past. It’s not like we can go back and change it. I’ve gotten over it.” No I haven’t, she thinks.

“I wish I could,” he admits, rubbing his hands together. “You know, I ended up hating that job. Biggest regret of my life.”

Sensing his distress, Maya reaches across the table to grab his hand. Instantly, she feels him relax. She tells him, “We’ve all made mistakes, even me. We’re only human.”

“Yeah, but I don’t think your mistakes led to losing the love of your life,” he comments, rubbing his thumb across her hand.

My mistake led to our daughter growing up without a father, she thinks, but doesn’t voice. There’s a time and place for that conversation, and it’s definitely not right here, right now. “Well,” she starts, “I’m here now, right?”

He nods, “Yes.”

“So you didn’t completely lose me,” she points out. “I could’ve turned down this offer. I have lots of shows I could be catching up on right now. There are plenty of medical dramas waiting for me to binge.”

Lucas laughs a true laugh. It’s a sound she’s missed so much, something she’s wanted to hear again. “Thank you for coming, then.”

“You’re welcome,” she responds. “Okay, so it’s been almost seven years. A lot can happen in that much time…”

“Yeah, like you having a daughter. I can’t believe you have a kid,” he teases, then quickly adds, “Not that it’s a bad thing, by any means. She’s adorable, I’m just still shocked, to be honest.”

Maya fakes a chuckle. If only you knew she was yours, she thinks. “She’s wonderful. I may be biased, but she’s the smartest almost six year old I’ve ever met. I put her into kindergarten when she was four–even though everyone told me she was too young–and her teacher said she’s ahead of most of her classmates. So they’re pretty sure she’ll be offered a spot in the accelerated program in few years, but there’s no guarantee–” then she stops and throws her hands up, saying, “Oh god, I’m rambling about my kid. I’m being the worst date right now.”

This time, Lucas grabs her hand to calm her down. “It’s fine,” he laughs. “At least you have something to talk about. I have nothing.”

“I’m sure you did something interesting in the past seven years.”

“Nope. Nothing.”

“Seriously?” she asks, “No crazy vet stories? Crazy farm stories? Crazy date stories?”

He chuckles at the last question. “I had a woman bring me her duck that was actually a chicken. I didn’t live on a farm, my apartment was downtown. Definitely no memorable dates.”

The wine arrives and the server takes their order. Once he leaves, Maya takes a sip of her wine and says, “So no dates, huh?”

Shaking his head, he replies, “There were dates, but nothing special. No one made it past the third date.”

“Hmm,” she hums, taking another drink.

“Have you dated anyone?” he asks, then realizes his mistake. “Shit–you have a kid. I’m an idiot.”

Yes, Lucas, you are an idiot because you haven’t even realized that she’s yours! she thinks. You went to school for eight years to become a veterinarian yet you can’t do the math to realize you’re the father!

“I’ve done the same as you, really,” she says, and it’s the truth. There were a few men, and one woman, but nothing worked out. “I’ve always been focused on Lucy, so I haven’t worried much about dating.”

He takes a moment to refill her empty wine glass, then says, “If you don’t mind me asking, why isn’t Lucy’s dad in the picture?”

“I never told him I was pregnant,” she answers too quickly.

“Riley told me that much, but why didn’t you tell him?” he quizzes curiously, sipping from his own glass.

Avoiding eye contact, she says, “I–Uh, can we not talk about that right now?” Immediately, he goes in for the apology, but she interrupts him, “Don’t be sorry, it’s just not my favorite thing to talk about.”

“Understandably so,” he agrees. The Texan turns the conversation around, “Tell me about your job. I know you’re at our old school…”

The rest of their date goes by without a hitch. They talk without asking the wrong questions, enjoy a great meal, and leave together–nearly drunk after purchasing a second bottle of wine.

(“The amount of money you spent on this meal would make my bank account cry,” she comments as he signs the bill.

He just waves it off, tipping the server substantially for dealing with them.)

“Come back to my place with me,” she offers, stumbling against him as he attempts to hail a cab. “Lucy is with my mom. Staying all night.”

He takes a moment to respond, making her think he’s going to say no. However, he eventually agrees, “Okay,” leading her into the cab.

The entire ride to her place Maya stays pressed against his side, while Lucas keeps a hand on her thigh. The touch is enough to bring goosebumps to her skin and heat up her cheeks.

Once they arrive to their destination, she leads him up to her apartment. Before she can even get her key, he has her pressed against the door and they’re kissing.

It’s hot and heavy, as if years of being apart has built up to this very moment. Perched on her tiptoes to reach, her fingers find their way to his hair. He tastes like red wine, and still smells the same as he did seven years ago.

Breaking apart to breathe, they rest their foreheads against each other. The first to break the silence is Lucas. “I’ve wanted to do that since I saw you in that dress,” he discloses, caressing her cheek. “You look so fuckin’ hot in it. But, you know what?”

“What?” she says, breathing heavily.

“It’d look better on the floor,” he says, lips brushing the shell of her ear.

“That’s the most god awful thing you’ve ever said,” she says, unlocking the door. “But it was kinda hot.” Dragging him by the tie, she takes him to her bedroom. She turns around, “Unzip me.”

“Gladly,” he obliges, taking his sweet time and admiring the view, running his knuckles down her spine. While she slips her dress and heels off, Lucas sheds his suit jacket and shirt.

“You still have way too much clothes on,” she comments, reaching for his belt. She removes it, throwing it carelessly. As she goes to unbutton his slacks, he stops her.

“Are you sure we should be moving this fast?” he asks seriously. “We had a really messy break up and I don’t want to fuck up our relationship aga–“

“Lucas, I want you to fuck me,” she states, “Right now.”

He crashes his lips onto hers, then says, “I’m more than happy to oblige.”

—————————————-—————————————-

The next morning Maya wakes up with a terrible headache and a worse feeling in her heart. She had sex with Lucas last night (absolutely amazing sex, but that’s beside the point), but she still hasn’t told him about Lucy. The guilt is tearing her up inside as she watches Lucas sleep, snoring quietly.

I’m about to ruin everything, she muses. Once the truth is out, he’ll never forgive me.

Maya rests her head against his bare chest, aimlessly running her fingers up and down his torso. Slowly he stirs, wrapping his arm around her to hold her close.

“G’morning,” he mumbles, pressing a kiss to her hair. When she doesn’t respond, he asks, “You okay, Maya?”

“Yeah–well, no, not really.” She sighs, “There’s something I need to tell you.”

“What’s up?” he asks, nonchalant. His fingers are threaded through her hair, playing with the golden strands. Just like he would all those years ago.

“Have you thought about how old Lucy is?” she asks.

“Five but almost six,” he answers, quoting the child, “Her birthday is coming up, May 15th, yeah?”

“Right. Now, when did you move to Austin?”

“September will mark seven years. But, Maya, what does that have to do–” then he stops. His fingers still in her hair, and that’s how she knows he’s figured it out. “Wait, is she, y’know, mine? I’m her…”

Nodding slowly, Maya finishes his thought for him, “Yeah, you’re her father, Lucas.”

For a few moments, they lay there. No one says anything, they just think. When he finally breaks the silence, Lucas sits up in bed and asks, “Did you find out you were pregnant before or after I left?”

“Before. I thought I may have been for about a week before you left, and I took six pregnancy tests to confirm it. I’d bought a little yellow onesie that said I love Daddy! to surprise you with. I was so excited, Lucas. My life was finally falling together. I had a good job, great friends, an amazing boyfriend, and as crazy as it sounds, I was so happy to find out I was pregnant. Yeah, she wasn’t planned, we weren’t married, hell, we weren’t even engaged. It was okay, though, because we were happy. So happy. Except everything changed when you came over and dropped a bomb on me.” Maya pauses to breathe, wiping away a tear that’s threatening to escape.

As she continues, her voice begins to falter, “I didn’t tell you, then you left. I went through the entire pregnancy alone, save for my mom and Riley. Morning sickness, weird cravings, the first kicks, and swollen ankles. All of it, by myself. It was so difficult. There were days that I just stayed home and cried my bed all day, wishing you were there with me. God, I just wanted you to come back. There were nights that I was going to call, but then I remembered what I said. ‘If you actually leave, then we’re done.’ And you left me. I wanted to hate you, but I couldn’t. I never could, because I loved you too much.”

Once the words leave her mouth, she feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She’s waiting for Lucas to scream and yell at her. She’s preparing herself for him to blow up, but that’s not what he does.

The first thing he says is, “God, Maya, I wish you would’ve told me. There is no job in the entire world that is more important that you and our daughter.” He pauses, then repeats himself. “Our daughter. We have a daughter…”

“Yeah, Lucas, we have a daughter. She’s perfect, so smart, and the most important thing to me,” Maya says, tears dripping down her face. “I wish I wasn’t so stupid. I should have told you sooner. You missed almost six years.”

He replies, “If I would’ve known, I would have dropped that job in a heartbeat. Being a father is so much more important than some job. I would have loved to watch Lucy grow up. And I would’ve been there for you, Maya. Every craving, doctor’s appointment, anytime you cried. I could’ve been there if you would have just told me.” He takes her hand back into his, softly rubbing circles on it.  

“I know,” she admits. “It was selfish of me to keep this from you. Lucy deserves to know her dad, and you deserve to know your daughter.”

“Can I, then? Get to know her?” Lucas asks, a hopeful gleam in his green eyes.

The woman gives him a small smile, “Of course you can. I won’t keep her from you anymore, promise.”

“Thank you,” he says, squeezing her hand. “Can you tell me more about what I missed? Like, when she was a baby?”

Grinning, Maya starts, “She was such a good baby. She was always super happy, but had to be held at all times. If you put her down, you’d get an earful. I had to put her in a sling on my chest in order to get anything done…”

—————————————-—————————————-

Minutes turn into hours as Maya catches Lucas up on his daughter’s life. He’s full of questions, and she’s (mostly) full of answers. He learns about all the firsts in Lucy’s life.

(“First word?”

“No. Also her favorite word.”

“First Halloween?”

“A pumpkin. She spit up all over the costume.”)

When stories aren’t enough, Maya shows him pictures. She shows him her favorites, Lucy dressed up on her first Christmas with a bow wrapped around her little head, her first finger painting experience, and her first day of Kindergarten. With each missed memory, Lucas laughs, smiles, even cries a bit.

After seeing pictures of Lucy over the years, he asks, “When can we tell her?”

Maya pauses, “That you’re her dad? We could tell her soon…”

“How about… tonight?” Lucas proposes, “I’ve already missed enough time, Maya. I really want to be in my daughter’s life.”

The suggestion doesn’t come as much of a shock. Maya knew he’d want to tell Lucy soon, but she didn’t expect tonight. “Well…”

“I can take you all out tonight,” he suggests. “Dinner, on me. We could tell her after?”

She ponders on his offer. Though it’s sooner than she’d anticipate, it wouldn’t be a bad idea. “Okay,” she answers, then adds, “but you have to let me take the lead. I don’t want to shock her too much.”

“Deal.” Lucas grins, planting a kiss on her cheek. “Thank you so much, Maya, for letting me become involved in her life. You really have no reason to let me in after what I did to you.”

She smiles, then pecks him on the lips. “It’s the least I can do. She’s just as much yours as she is mine. You have every right to be in her life. I’m sorry I kept you away before.”

“Stop apologizing, the past is the past. I’m ready to focus on the future,” he tells her, taking her hands into his. “Speaking of the future, what about our future?”

“What about it?”

“C’mon, Maya, you know what I mean. Last night was amazing.”

“It was,” she agrees. “But it doesn’t have to mean anything. We’d been drinking.”

He sighs, then replies, “But it did mean something to me, Maya. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I stepped off the plane into New York. If–if you want to, I want to be with you. Again.”

She knew this would come eventually. But it came sooner than she expected. “Lucas…” she trails off, thinking. “I don’t know.”

“We can try,” he offers, squeezing her hand in his. “We can try to have a relationship, and if it doesn’t work, then we’ll just be friends.”

Maya stays quiet for a moment, thinking. She wants to be with him, she really does. However, Lucas left her once before, he could surely do it again.

But at the same time, he knows about Lucy now. He seems so excited to be a dad, and be there for them. And, God, did she miss him. So many times, she has wished to be in his arms again, feel his kiss, hold his hand. Now she’s being given that opportunity again. That’s why she says: “Okay, let’s do it.”

Lucas grins, then dives in to kiss her. “You won’t regret this, I promise,” he says, holding her close.

Maya smiles, feeling happier than she has in a long, long time.

—————————————-—————————————-

Later that night, Maya finds herself shaking as she attempts to braid Lucy’s hair into two plaits. It’s about an hour before they plan to meet Lucas for dinner, and she hasn’t felt this nervous to do something since she was in labor, about to give birth and change her life forever.

“Ow!” Lucy shrieks when Maya accidentally tugs her hair too hard. “You hurt my head, Mommy.”

She kisses the little girl’s head, apologizing, “Sorry, baby, but we’re all done now.” She puts the finishing touches on Lucy’s hair, adding tiny bows to the end of each plait.

Lucy hops out of the kitchen chair, twirling in her dress. “Do I look pretty, Mommy?” she asks, batting her long eyelashes.

“You look beautiful, little bug,” Maya answers. Since it’s a special occasion, she let her wear her favorite pink dress. It was a gift from Riley, and cost more than someone should spend on a dress that’s somehow going to get paint and dirt on it within an hour. It never fails to amaze Maya how fast an outfit can get destroyed by a five year old.

Just as she finishes getting ready herself, Maya hears a knock at her apartment door. She goes to let Lucas in, and even in just jeans and polo, he looks good. “Hi, cowboy,” she greets, pecking him on the cheek before Lucy can see.

“Shortstack, long time no see,” he jokes, stepping into the small apartment. It’d only been a few hours since he’d left, just enough time for Maya to pick up Lucy from her mom’s apartment and get her ready.

“Ha-hur,” she teases with a wink. She calls for her daughter, “Lucy! Are you ready to go?”

The tiny blonde comes barreling into the room, knocking into her mother like usual. “Hi, Lucas,” she says, waving.

“Hi, Miss Lucy,” he tells her, stooping down to her level. “Are you excited for us to go to dinner?” She aggressively nods her head, beaming at him. “Well, we better head out!”

Quickly, Maya grabs her bag, and they head out to hail a cab, Lucas giving directions to the kid-friendly restaurant he picked out for dinner.

The whole ride there, Lucy talks up a storm. She tells Lucas all about her first grade teacher, friends, and even about the class goldfish.

(“His name is Rocko,” Lucy tells him, grinning widely. “I helped pick his name!”)

Once they enter the restaurant and get seated and order their food, Maya gives Lucas the look. Go time.

“Lucy, hon,” Maya starts, getting her daughter’s attention. “Mommy wants to talk to you, can you listen for a few minutes?”

The little girl immediately pauses her coloring on the kid’s menu. “Okay, Mommy.”

Maya takes a deep breath, and then feels Lucas grab her hand beneath the table. She smiles briefly at him, then says, “You know how your friends have a Mommy and a Daddy?”

“Not all my friends,” Lucy replies smartly, “Jamie has two mommies!”

The two adults laugh. “Yes,” Maya replies, “some people have a Mommy and a Daddy, or two Mommies or two Daddies.”

“But I only have a Mommy,” she says. “You always said I don’t have a Daddy.”

Maya’s heart breaks a little. “Well, Lucy, you actually do have a Daddy…” her voice starts to shake as she finally gets the words out, “you see, honey, Lucas is your Daddy.”

“Really?” Lucy asks, eyes lighting up. “I have a Daddy? Can I call you Daddy?”

She catches Lucas wiping away a stray tear before grinning, answering, “I would love it if you called me Daddy, Lucy, Only if you want to.”

The little girl beams, “Okay, Daddy. I want to.”

When Lucy was born, Maya never would have imagined that she would hear her daughter call Lucas her dad. She thought it would never happen after the way she left things with Lucas. However, years later, she’s hearing just that, and it is music to her ears.

“Lucy, I do have a question for you,” Lucas says, and Maya is unsure of what is to follow. “If it is okay with you, I want to spend more time with you and your Mommy. Would you like that?”

“Hmmm,” Lucy thinks, “I would like that. May I please color now?”

Maya snorts, only her daughter would be more concerned with drawing than finding out about her father. Typical five year old. “Yes, Lucy. You can color.”

While their daughter turns back to her art, Lucas turns to her, “Well, that went well.”

“As well as we could expect,” Maya answers, leaning her head onto Lucas’ shoulder. “You know, you’re a parent now. Your life is about to change forever.”

“Correct, Shortstack: We’re parents. Bring it on.”

“Challenge accepted, Huckleberry.”

[peach-punch-satan]

AFTER SO LONG I FINALLY FINISHED UP WHAT I NEEDED TO DO FOR MY TAZ AMNESTY MOODBOARDS AND PLAYLIST! 
To be honest I had everything done except I just got lazy with uploading lmao. Now wait as I take forever to finish my TAZ Dust playlist! (Moodboards are done though)
As always here’s the link to the playlist and under the cut is the tracklist with 9 songs for each member of the trio and 5 songs each for Barclay, Mama, and Dani (Danny?) as well as a lyric to each song that I felt fit each character in some way!
Tracklist is written in order of the moodboards above so it should go: Aubrey, Duck, Ned, Barclay, Mama, and Dani (Danny?)

Please enjoy!

Playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDQk0bABGzY7uCZPnDYY5tBYBvGGtcbty

Aubrey:
She’s A Rebel by Green Day
- She’s a rebel
She’s a saint
She’s the salt of the earth
And she’s dangerous
She’s a rebel
Vigilante
Missing link on the brink
Of destruction
From Chicago to Toronto
She’s the one that they
Call old ‘whatsername’
She’s the symbol
Of resistance
And she’s holding on my heart
Like a hand grenade
Is she dreaming
what I’m thinking?
Is she the mother of all bombs?
Gonna detonate

Youngblood by Green Day
- I want to hold you like a gun
We’ll shoot the moon into the sun
Alright, alright
Are you stranded, like I’m stranded?
Do you want to watch the world fall to pieces?
Are you broken, like I’m broken?
Are you restless she said: “fuck you, I’m from Oakland!”
She’s my little youngblood
(Youngblood)
Punch-drunken youngblood

Make Me Feel by Janelle Monaé
- It’s like I’m powerful with a little bit of tender
An emotional, sexual bender
Mess me up, yeah, but no one does it better
There’s nothin’ better
That’s just the way you make me feel
That’s just the way you make me feel
So real, so good, so fuckin’ real
That’s just the way you make me feel
That’s just the way you make me feel
You know I love it, so please don’t stop it
You got me right here in your jean pocket (right now)
Laying your body on a shag carpet (oh)
You know I love it so please don’t stop it

The Phoenix by Fall Out Boy
- Strike a match and I’ll burn you to the ground
We are the jack-o-lanterns in July
Setting fire to the sky
Here, here comes this rising tide so come on
Put on your war paint
Cross walks and crossed hearts and hope to die
Seal the clouds with grey lining
So we can take the world back from the heart-attacked
One maniac at a time we will take it back
You know time crawls on when you’re waiting for the song to start
So dance along to the beat of your heart
Hey Youngblood doesn’t it feel like our time is running out
I’m going to change you like a remix
Then I’ll raise you like a phoenix
Wearing all vintage misery
No I think it looked a little better on me

Young and Menance by Fall Out Boy
- Woke up on the wrong side of reality
And there’s a madness that’s just coursing right through me
And as far as the time, far as the time
Not sure I’m there yet but I’m certain I’ve arrived
Oops I, did it again, I
Forgot what I was losing my mind about
I only wrote this down to make you press rewind
And send a message, “I was young and a menace”

Cherry Bomb by The Runaways
- Stone age love and strange sounds too.
Come on, baby, let me get to you.
Bad nights causing teenage blues.
Get down ladies, you’ve got nothin’ to lose.
Hello, daddy. Hello, mom.
I’m your ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!
Hello world! I’m your wild girl.
I’m your ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!

Caffiene by Jeff Williams (Feat. Casey Lee Williams and Lamar Hall)
- I’m a cheetah on the plains, I’m a highway star
A supersonic princess in a million dollar car
Blood on fire pumping through my veins
Weaving in and out while I’m bolting through the lanes
I’m hyperdrive, overdrive, hit the gas at fifty-five
Break neck, trainwreck, in my presence genuflect
Track-roundin’, speed-a-soundin’, electrifyin’, pulse-poundin’
Heart-pumpin’, brain-thumpin’, watch me get the party jumpin’
Caffeine
I’m Caffeine (Caffeine)
Caffeine
I’m Caffeine (Caffeine)
I’m a bad dream
I’m a rad scene
I’m a tad mean
But I’m not afraid to take you out (afraid to take you out)

I Burn by Jeff Williams (Feat. Casey Lee Williams and Lamar Hall)
- You’re standing too close to a flame that’s burning Hotter than the sun in the middle of July
Sending out your army, but you still can’t win Listen up, silly boy, ‘cuz I’m gonna tell you why
I burn! Can’t hold me now You got nothing that can stop me
I burn! Swing all you want Like a fever, I will take you down!

Take Your Time (Do It Right) by S.O.S. Band
- You know you ought to slow down
You been working too hard and that’s a fact
Sit back and relax a while
Take some time to laugh and smile
Lay your heavy load down
So we can stop and kick back
It seems we never take the time to do
All the things we want to, yeah
Now, baby we can do it
Take the time, do it right
We can do it, baby
Do it tonight 
Duck:
Wake Me Up by Avicci
- I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don’t have any plans
Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life’s a game made for everyone
And love is a prize
So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself, and I
Didn’t know I was lost

The Moss by Cosmo Sheldrake
- But have you heard the story of the rabbit in the moon?
Or the cow that hopped the planets while straddling a spoon
Or she, who leapt up mountains, while whistling up a tune
And swapped her songs with swallows while riding on a broom
Well, we can all learn things, both many and a-few
From that old hunched-up woman who lived inside a shoe
Or the girl that sang by day and by night she ate tear soup
Or the man who drank too much and he got the brewers’ droop
Legend has it that the moss grows on
The north side of the trees
Well, legend has it that when the rain comes down
All the worms come up to breathe
Well, legend has it when the sunbeams come
All the plants, they eat them with their leaves
Well, legend has it that the world spins round
On an axis of 23 degrees

Alien Days by MGMT
- Must’ve skipped the ship and joined the team
For a ride
A couple hours to learn the controls
And commandeer both my eyes
Hey!
Be quick dear, times are uncertain
One month crawling, next year blurring
Decades in the drain
Monograms on the brain
Decide what’s working and what’s moved on
To the last phase
The floodgate alien days
I love those alien days
Mmm… the alien days
When the peels are down, it feels like traveling in style
You don’t need wings to hover forty ton stones for a mile
And in the summer, virgin visions
Mindless humming
Numbers can’t decide if the day’s supposed to smile
Today find infinite ways it could be
Plenty worse
It’s a blessing but it’s also a curse
Those days taught me everything I know
How to catch a feeling
And when to let it go
How all the scheming, soulless creatures
Can’t find dreamer’s honey in the hive
If it’s right beneath the nose

Lake Shore Drive by Aliotta Haynes
- And there ain’t no road just like it
Anywhere I found
Running south on Lake Shore Drive heading into town
Just slippin’ on by on LSD, Friday night trouble bound
And it starts up north from Hollywood, water on the driving side
Concrete mountains rearing up, throwing shadows just about five
Sometimes you can smell the green if your mind is feeling fine
There ain’t no finer place to be, than running Lake Shore Drive
And there’s no peace of mind, or place you see, than riding on Lake Shore Drive

Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd
- If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now
Cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see
But, if I stayed here with you, girl
Things just couldn’t be the same
Cause I’m as free as a bird now
And this bird you can not change
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
And this bird you can not change
And this bird you can not change
Lord knows, I can’t change

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough by Marvin Gaye (Feat. Tammi Terrell)
- Listen baby, ain’t no mountain high
Ain’t no valley low, ain’t no river wide enough baby
If you need me call me no matter where you are
No matter how far don’t worry baby
Just call my name I’ll be there in a hurry
You don’t have to worry
'Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you babe
Remember the day I set you free
I told you you could always count on me darling
From that day on, I made a vow
I’ll be there when you want me
Some way, some how
'Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you babe

Believer by Imagine Dragons
- I was choking in the crowd
Building my rain up in the cloud
Falling like ashes to the ground
Hoping my feelings, they would drown
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
'Til it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My life, my love, my drive, it came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Fallout by Catfish And The Bottlemen
- So I spent my yesterday
Ducking your calls
And in fear that things would change
So I tidied up my place
'Cause you always told me
It got me thinking straight
Oh, but no, you still had to call
Oh, but no, you still had to come
But we just always
Seem to just fallout
When I’m most in need of it
And you just always
Seem to just call out
When I’m up for leaving it
You see now
I’m sorry if I drove, your matches to my clothes
But you know how I can get sometimes

Save Rock ‘n’ Roll by Fall Out Boy (Feat. Elton John)
- Whoa
How’d it get to be only me?
Like I’m the last damn kid still kicking
That still believes
I will defend the faith
Going down swinging
I will save the songs
That we can’t stop singing
No, No
Wherever I go, go
Trouble seems to follow
I only plugged in to save rock and roll, rock and roll
No, No
Wherever I go, go
Trouble seems to follow
I only plugged in to save rock and roll 
Ned:
Trouble Comes A Knocking by Timber Timbre
- I want your money
But your money ain’t right
So I’m packing it in
I stay at home every night
And, our place had cleared out
The bad luck had fallen
And no one came knocking
No one came calling
And when things got real bad
Oh, people got scared
Well I got worried
So we took what we could get
And all you fair-weather watchers
Watch out and beware
When your trouble comes knocking
I hope you ain’t there

Troublemaker by Weezer
- I’m such a mystery as anyone can see
There isn’t anybody else exactly quite like me
And when it’s party time, like 1999
I’ll party by myself because I’m such a special guy
I’m a troublemaker, never been a faker
Doing things my own way and never giving up
I’m a troublemaker, not a double-taker
I don’t have the patience to keep it on the up

Movin’ Out by Billy Joel
- Sergeant O'Leary is walkin’ the beat
At night he becomes a bartender
He works at Mister Cacciatore’s down
On Sullivan Street
Across from the medical center
He’s tradin’ in his Chevy for a Cadillac
You oughta know by now
And if he can’t drive
With a broken back
At least he can polish the fenders
It seems such a waste of time
If that’s what it’s all about
Mama if that’s movin’ up
Then I’m movin’ out
I’m movin’ out
You should never argue with a crazy mind (mmm)
You oughta know by now
You can pay Uncle Sam with the overtime
Is that all you get for your money
If that’s what you have in mind
If that’s what you’re all about
Good luck movin’ up
'Cause I’m moving out

I Fought The Law by The Clash
- I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
I lost my girl and I lost my fun
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
I left my baby and it feels so bad
Guess my race is run
She’s the best girl that I ever had
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won

Should I Stay (Or Should I Go) by The Clash
- This indecision’s bugging me (esta indecision me molesta)
If you don’t want me, set me free (si no me quieres, librame)
Exactly whom I’m supposed to be (digame que tengo ser)
Don’t you know which clothes even fit me? (no sabes que ropas me queda)
Come on and let me know (me tienes que decir)
Should I cool it or should I blow? (me debo ir o quedarme)
Split
Should I stay or should I go now? (yo me enfrio o lo soplo)
Should I stay or should I go now? (yo me enfrio o lo soplo)
If I go there will be trouble (si me voy va a haber peligro)
And if I stay it will be double (si me quedo sera el doble)
So ya gotta let me know (me tienes que decir)
Should I cool it or should I blow? (me debo ir o quedarme)
Should I stay or should I go now? (tengo frío por los ojos)
If I go there will be touble (tengo frio por los ojos)
And if I stay it wil be double

Feel It Still by Portugal. The Man
- Got another mouth to feed
Leave her with a baby sitter, mama, call the grave digger
Gone with the fallen leaves
Am I coming out of left field?
Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now
I been feeling it since 1966, now
Might’ve had your fill, but you feel it still
Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now
Let me kick it like it’s 1986, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still
We could fight a war for peace
(Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now)
Give in to that easy living
Goodbye to my hopes and dreams
Stop flipping for my enemies
We could wait until the walls come down
(Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now)
It’s time to give a little to the
Kids in the middle, but oh 'til it falls
Won’t bother me

Highway To Hell by AC/DC
- Living easy, living free
Season ticket on a one-way ride
Asking nothing, leave me be
Taking everything in my stride
Don’t need reason, don’t need rhyme
Ain’t nothing I would rather do
Going down, party time
My friends are gonna be there too
I’m on the highway to hell
On the highway to hell
Highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
No stop signs, speed limit
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Like a wheel, gonna spin it
Nobody’s gonna mess me around
Hey Satan, paid my dues

Gold On The Ceiling by The Black Keys
- Clouds covered love’s
Barb-wired snare
Strung up, strung out
I just can’t go without
I could never drown in
They wanna get my
They wanna get my
Gold on the ceiling
I ain’t blind
Just a matter of time
Before you steal it
It’s alright
Ain’t no guard in my house

The Ballad of Bull Ramos by The Mountain Goats
- Drive a great big truck When I’m old, when I’m old Haul the wrecks down to the wreck yard Help the boys unload
Keep my hair nice and long Because I can, because I can
Any of my old friends who have no place to turn to They know to call me any time they come through
Never die, never die
Stand with a bullwhip in my hand
And rise, rise
In the desert sand

Barclay:
The Chain by Fleetwood Mac
- Listen to the wind blow down comes the night
Running in the shadows damn your love, damn your lies
Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light
And if, you don’t love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (Never break the chain)

Float On by Modest Mouse
- I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well, he just drove off - sometimes life’s okay
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, ah what did I say?
Well, you just laughed it off and it was all okay
And we’ll all float on okay
And we’ll all float on okay
And we’ll all float on okay
And we’ll all float on anyway, well
A fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam
It was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand
Bad news comes, don’t you worry even when it lands
Good news will work it way to all them plans
We both got fired on, exactly, the same day
Well, we’ll float on, good news is on the way

Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra
- Hey you with the pretty face
Welcome to the human race
A celebration, mister blue sky’s up there waitin’
And today is the day we’ve waited for
Oh mister blue sky please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Hey there mister blue
We’re so pleased to be with you
Look around see what you do
Everybody smiles at you

Come A Little Bit Closer by Jay and The Americans
- Then I heard the guitar player say
“Vamos, Jose’s on his way”
Then I knew, yes I knew I should run
But then I heard her say, yeah
“Come a little bit closer
You’re my kind of man
So big and so strong
Come a little bit closer
I’m all alone and the night is so long”
Then the music stopped
When I looked the cafe was empty
Then I heard Jose say
“Man, you know you’re in trouble plenty”
So I dropped my drink from my hand
And out through the window I ran
And as I rode away
I could hear her say to Jose, yeah
“Come a little bit closer
You’re my kind of man
So big and so strong
Come a little bit closer
I’m all alone and the night is so long”

Black Water by Timber Timbre
- You’ve fallen barefoot past the treeline
Peeping boned-eyed, birches sway
And a thousand whitefish floating belly up
In the spirit that I crave
And we threw ourselves right into it
Where lay the bodies had been claimed
We dove a third, a fourth, a fifth
Banned to the spirit that I crave
All I need is some sunshine
All I need
All I need is some sunshine
All I need
I found empathy from madness
Deliverance from malaise
My heart is filled with gladness
And you’re the only spirit that I crave
All I need is some sunshine
All I need
All I need is some sunshine
All I need
Black Water (pull me down)
Black Water (pull me down)

Mama:
Come to Mama by Lady Gaga
- Dude in a lab coat and a man of God
(Come onto mama, come on, mama)
Fought over prisms and a forty-day flood
(Come onto mama, come on, mama)
Well, I say rainbows did more than they’ve ever done
So why do we gotta fight over ideas?
We’re talkin’ the same old shit after all of these years
Come to mama
Tell me who hurt ya
There’s gonna be no future
If we don’t figure this out
Oh, come tomorrow
Who are you gonna follow?
There’s gonna be no future
If we don’t figure this out
Psychic guru catches minnows in the harbor
(Come onto mama, come on, mama)
Everyone tells him he should work a little harder (hey man get to work, catch up)
(Come onto mama, come on, mama)
They all tell you that freedom must be bought
But, baby, he’s already caught them
So why do we gotta tell each other how to live?
The only prisons that exist are ones we put each other in

Similau by Peggy Lee
- Spirit in the wood beat the hollow cane
Spirit in the wood take away the pain
Make the body ripe and alive again
I Similau (I Similau, I Similau)
Spirit in the heart make the blood flow fast
Spirit in the heart make the beauty last
Keep the hope alive when the youth go past
I Similau (I Similau, I Similau)
When my lover comes upon the scene
Drop a petal from the tree
Fling the mountain up into the sky
Fill the river with the sea
Spirit in the wood let the hollow cane
Echo in the afterglow
Waiting for the flame to burn again
I Similau (I Similau I Similau)

On Your Way by Alabama Shakes
- On your way to God,
Did you think of me?
On your way to heaven,
Did you say “I’ll see you again”?
It wasn’t me, why wasn’t it me?
On your way to to the promised land, did you say
“Oh, she was such a friend”?
Then they took you higher and
I don’t know if I can follow…
It wasn’t me, why wasn’t it me?
On your way, I said to the air,
I don’t know if I am strong.
So I climbed to the mountain
And I don’t know what I did wrong
And it was just me, just little ole me…

Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand
- So if you’re lonely
You know I’m here waiting for you
I’m just a cross hair
I’m just a shot away from you
And if you leave here
You leave me broken, shattered, I lie
I’m just a cross hair
I’m just a shot, then we can die
I know I won’t be leaving here with you
I say don’t you know
You say you don’t know
I say, take me out!
I say you don’t show
Don’t move, tide is low
I say, take me out!
I say you don’t know
You say you don’t know
I say, take me out!
If I move this could die
Eyes move this can die
I want you to take me out
I know I won’t be leaving here (with you)
I know I won’t be leaving here

Jackie and Wilson by Hozier
- She blows out of nowhere, roman candle of the wild
Laughing away through my feeble disguise
No other version of me I would rather to be tonight
Lord she found me just in time
'Cause with my mid-youth crisis all said and done
I need to be youthfully felt, 'cause God I never felt young
She’s gonna save me call me baby run her hands through my hair
She’ll know me crazy, soothe me daily, but yet she wouldn’t care
We’ll steal her Lexus, be detectives, ride round pickin’ up clues
We’ll name our children Jackie and Wilson, 'raise em on rhythm and blues

Dani (Danny?):
Dance Apocolyptic by Janelle Monaé
- You’re going crazy, the hitmen always finds you
Do that dance, smoking in the girls room
Kissin’ French, it’s over like a comic book
Exploding in a bathroom stall (AH!)
She’s so freaked out, worrying about the bomb threat
You bought a house, but I’m allergic to the house pets
Credit cards
They bought a new wife for shiny little lonely men
But I really, really want to thank you for dancing 'til the end
You found a way to break out
You’re not afraid to break out
But I need to know if the world says it’s time to go Tell me, will you freak out? Smash, smash, bang, bang Don’t stop Chalang-alang-alang
But I need to know if the world says its time to go
Tell me, will you break out?
Smash, smash, bang, bang
Don’t stop, chalangalangalang
Smash, smash, bang, bang
Don’t stop, chalang-alang-alang)

Stand By Me by Ben E. King (Florence + The Machine cover)
- If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
And the mountain should crumble to the sea
I won’t cry, I won’t cry
No I won’t shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me
And darling, darling stand by me
Oh, stand by me
Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me
Whenever you’re in trouble won’t you stand by me
Oh, now, now, stand by me
Oh, stand by me, stand by me, stand by me

Bmblb by Jeff Williams (Feat. Casey Lee Williams)
- We’ll sit for a while
As I drink in your smile
It feels like a dream that’s come true
My head starts to buzz
And my heart fills with love over you
Baby can’t you see?
You could be with me
We could live inside a garden of ecstasy
You could be my queen
I could be your dream
Life’s like a fantasy
Maybe set me free
Let me be your bumblebee
Now the flowers are in bloom
And you’ve chased away my darkness and gloom
When the wind blows through the trees
And your voice is like a song in the breeze
My doubts disappear every time that you’re near
Clouds seem to run from the sky
The thought of your kiss sends my soul into bliss
I get high

Take Me To Church by Hozier (Neon Jungle Cover)
- If I’m a pagan of the good times
My lover’s the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice
To drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That’s a fine looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We’ve a lot of starving faithful
That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

Angel of The Morning by Juice Newton
- Maybe the sun’s light will be dim
And it won’t matter anyhow
If morning’s echo says we’ve sinned
It was what I wanted now
And if we’re victims of the night
I won’t be blinded by the light
Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Then slowly turn away
I won’t beg you to stay with me
Through the tears of the day, of the years
Baby, baby, baby

[fatechica]

100 Questions

Whee, I was tagged by @janes-mike and @dancingskygreen! This is a good distraction for while I’m sick, lmao.

1. What is your nickname? Jules or JP

2. How old are you? 34

3. What is your birth month? November

4. What is your zodiac sign? Sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color? Burgundy

6. What’s your lucky number? 1123, if pressed (it’s my birthday, lol)

7. Do you have any pets? I do! I have one cat who’s 15 years old and a curmudgeonly princess.

8. Where are you from? California (the SF area, to be precise, tho I live up in Sacramento, now)

9. How tall are you? 5′3

10. What shoe size are you? 7

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Ok, so I’m the person who buys shoes but never wears more than, like, 3 pairs ever? So, I have, like, 20 pairs of shoes and my husband gets so mad that I mostly never wear them.

12. Are you random? What does this even mean? No? I feel like I’m too logical to be random.

13. Last person you texted? My friend about how awful my voice sounds rn.

14. Are you psychic in any way? Nope, not in any way, shape, or form.

15. Last TV show watched? Requiem

16. Favorite movie? Empire Records and Pacific Rim

17. Favorite show from your childhood? Out of this World (god, aging myself. does anyone here even know that show?)

18. Do you want children? Maybe? I still don’t know the answer to this question (and, as my mother likes to remind me, the end of my fertile years is coming up, so time may answer that question for me)

19. Do you want a church wedding? Haha, already married and we did not have a church wedding

20. What is your religion? I’m agnostic, but my husband is Buddhist, so...also Buddhist?

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? yes. the last time was when I sprained my elbow so bad I lost feeling in my fingers

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? Haha, NO

23. How is life? Eh? It’s ok rn. I’m sick and I have work tomorrow, but otherwise pretty good

24. Baths or showers? Showers

25. What color socks are you wearing? Haha, socks? LOL, no. It was 100 degrees today and I don’t like having my feet covered even when it’s cold.

26. Have you ever been famous? Nope

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? Yeah, no, no thank you. I like the anonymity

28. What type of music do you like? I’m a musician, so the answer is “everything”. Like, you hit shuffle on my iphone and you’re just as likely to hit Beethoven’s Sonatas as you are Notorious B.I.G. and everything in between. I’m the least partial to country, if I had to pick something I didn’t like (or, at least, don’t often listen to).

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Yep!

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two

31. What position do you usually sleep in? I can’t fall asleep any other way but on my stomach, but I often wake up on my back, which is hilarious since I can’t fall asleep like that at all.

32. How big is your house? idk, normal size-ish? Like, 2000 square feet? We have a large lot, so it feels bigger than it really is.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Cereal (I’m a whore for cereal)

34. Have you ever left the country? Yes! Last time was a couple of years ago when the husband and I went to Puerto Vallarta

35. Have you ever tried archery? I have, back in summer camp ages ago (and, also, I could try it again any time I want since my husband does archery and there’s an archery target set up in our backyard. imagine my complete lack of surprise when he came home with 4 hay bales and was like “babe, i’m gonna build a target!”)

36. Do you like anyone? Lol, I’m married, so I sure hope so!

37. Favorite swear word? Hands down, it’s “fuck”. I use it all the time.

38. When do you fall asleep? Around midnight if I’m being good.

39. Do you have any scars? Yeah, I was a really active kid and got in a lot of scrapes and whatnot. My most notable one is the scar on my chin from where I split it open and had to get stitches.

40. Sexual orientation? Pretty straight.

41. Are you a good liar? Fortunately or unfortunately, yes.

42. What languages would you like to learn? I want to learn German and Mandarin, and I seriously need to re-learn Japanese and Spanish (I used to be mostly fluent in both).

43. Top 10 songs? Oh shit, uh...crap. Pass on answering this question unless you want me here all night figuring this shit out.

44. Do you like your country? I’m in America and...in theory, yes. At the moment? NO.

45. Do you have friends from the web? Oh yeah, absolutely!

46. What is your personality type? I’m super extroverted and assertive and headstrong (my MBTI is ESTJ and I have never related to a personality type SO STRONGLY).

47. Hogwarts House? Ravenclaw

48. Can you curl your tongue? Nope

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to? Um, since most of my friends here are in the ST fandom, let’s go with that and, in that universe, I’d have to say Mike Wheeler. His sense of responsibility and knack of putting everyone else ahead of him is something I relate to so very much.

50. Left or right handed? Left

51. Are you scared of spiders? I have legit arachnophobia.

52. Favorite food? Macaroni and cheese (I’m such white fucking trash)

53. Favorite foreign food? Pho or (and I’m cursing my inability to add accent marks here)  Bun Thit Nuong Cha Gio, which is vermicelli noodles with bbq pork, eggrolls, veggies, and fish sauce and it’s so good (ok, i’m craving it now) (also, lol, can you tell my husband’s Vietnamese, or what?)

54. Are you a clean or messy person? Dude, I’m messy as fuck.

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? Figure out what it’s like to pee standing up.

56. What color underwear? Like, right now, or in general? Because the answer to right now is “nothing” (because i’m in my pjs and i don’t wear underwear to sleep), but in general, black because i don’t like having to match anything.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 15-20 minutes

58. Do you have much of an ego? Situationally, yes. Like, when it comes to things I’m good at, oh hell yes. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Suck. I have an oral fixation.

60. Do you talk to yourself? All the damn time.

61. Do you sing to yourself? Yep!

62. Are you a good singer? I like to think that I am.

63. Biggest Fears? Spiders and the depth of the ocean (what’s down there?!?!?!)

64. Are you a gossip? Haha, yes.

65. Are you a grammar nazi? Oh yeah.

66. Do you have long or short hair? Medium-ish? It goes right past my shoulders, so I guess on the shorter end.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? I can.

68. Favorite school subject? Math

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Extrovert!

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No, but I want to so bad.

71. What makes you nervous? Not being able to live up to expectations.

72. Are you scared of the dark? No, I love the dark. I have really good night vision.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? All the time. I’m annoying that way.

74. Are you ticklish? Yes, yes I am (unfortunately)

75. Have you ever started a rumor? Nope...at least, not on purpose.

76. Have you ever been out of your home country? Yes!

77. Have you ever drank underage? God, all the time.

78. Have you ever done drugs? Yes, but only pot.

79. What do you fantasize about? Having the freedom to travel and do what I want without having to worry about money.

80. How many piercings do you have? Three on each ear (though I’m planning on getting a cartilage piercing soon).

81. Can you roll your R’s? Lol, I only took 10 years of Spanish, so I certainly hope so.

82. How fast can you type? Pretty fast

83. How fast can you run? Um, I average about a 13 minute mile, so not super fast.

84. What color is your hair? Auburn-red

85. What color are your eyes? Hazel

86. What are you allergic to? Mold and mildew

87. Do you keep a journal? Haha, I gave up that ghost years ago. The closest I get to that is this blog.

88. Are you depressed about anything? Not particularly at the moment (though I suffer from anxiety and that can quickly turn into depression if I don’t watch it)

89. Do you like your age? I do, I think. I can’t say I didn’t wish I was in my late 20s again, mostly because there’s the pressure to have done certain things by the time you’re in your mid-30s (like, have kids and whatnot), but I certainly don’t feel my age most of the time, so *shrugs*

90. What makes you angry? When people aren’t given a fair shot, or unfairly treated. I’m real big on equity of respect and it makes me so angry when I see people getting treated like shit or disrespected (bigots and racists and misogynists really piss me off). In that same vein, people not doing their fair share of the work also really piss me off.

91. Do you like your own name? Yeah, I do. I mean, I’ve had it for 34 years.

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? thankfully, no.

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? I think, if I have kids, I want a girl.

94. What talents do you have? I’m a fast and adaptive learner and I have a near photographic memory.

95. Sun or moon? Sun.

96. How did you get your name? Ok, I’ve asked this question and the only answer I can get from my mom is “I don’t know, your dad and I just liked the name.”

97. Are you religious? I like to consider myself a spiritual person, but I’m not particularly religious. I’m fascinated by religiosity and tradition and I like participating in religious ceremonies, but I don’t know if I believe in a religion enough to be religious.

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? Yes, I have. I developed anxiety a few years ago and I saw a therapist for a few months to help with my issues.

99. Color of your bedspread? White with blue and turquoise dots.

100. Color of your room? Grey

Alright, then, I tag.... @mikeywheelerr, @formerlyjannafaye, @el-and-hop, and @linachupi

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #119

“she’s the type who likes to leave on all the lights.”

Are you friends with any bands?  No. How do you deal with oppressive heat?  Act like I'm dying because I probably slowly am. What’s one thing that people definitely CAN’T count on you for? Remembering something. What about something they definitely can count on you for?  An open ear. What’s one food that you want to try but haven’t yet?  Hmmmm... I know there's some, just nothing's coming to me. If you’re home alone and someone knocks on the door, what do you do?  I ignore it.  I don't check through windows or anything in fear of the person seeing me.  If you're coming to my house, let me know. Let’s say you received a gift from someone and open it in front of them – and it’s something you absolutely hate. How do you react?  Thank them anyway and act appreciative towards the kindness.  I usually won't actually say "I like it" unless they ask. If a friend suggested that you two were to do something/go somewhere, and you really didn’t want to, would you be more likely to just go along with it anyway or speak up? If I really didn't want to and we were close, I'd say no. What’s one book that you have read that will stick with you forever? "Johnny Got His Gun" by Dalton Trumbo.  I was strictly anti-war beforehand, but that book turned me into a full-blown pacifist. What type of movies do you get into the easiest? Paranormal ones. If you could learn to play any instrument, what would you pick? Guitar or piano or violin, idk. How do you feel upon seeing someone who’s missing an appendage?  I feel pity, but I feel no different towards them as a person. Why is your favorite store your favorite? They have clothing and accessories that best match my aesthetic. Would you let your child have a pet?  Depends on the pet, the child's age, and my faith in their responsibility level. Where were you raised and what’s it like?  I was raised in a bad neighborhood.  Lots of crime, gangs.  It was scary, yet at the same time, it wasn't the worst place in the world.  Good memories, bad memories. Do you get along with your best friend’s parents?  I'll find that out soon. Do you tend to become nervous when you know change is inevitable?  YES.  I don't like change. Are you a patient person when it comes to relationships?  Very. Do you prefer to hang out in groups?  Meh, depends on my mood. Would you ever consider styling your hair as a mohawk? Nope. Assuming you have blown bubbles in your milk before, were you yelled at for doing it as a kid?  No. Have you ever put on or lost a significant amount of weight?  I've done both. On a scale of 1-5, how often do you curse? 5. @_@ How is your posture?  It's fine, but I lean a bit to the right. Have you ever taken an Uber or Lyft? No. Do you shop on Black Friday? Only online. What do you dip chicken nuggets in?  Honey mustard or ketchup. Has your ex ever gone out with someone close to you?  No. Do you pay attention to how much you eat?  I think I'm overly conscious about it by this point. Does your town/city offer a lot of opportunity for your future career, or would you get more out of living somewhere else?  I'd have far more opportunity elsewhere, probably.  Well... maybe not.  I want to be a wedding photographer, and there's not many of those here.  But where I live isn't exactly a gorgeous place to get married. What's more painful: Tattoos or piercings?  Piercings hurt more.  They're super quick, but the pain is definitely more severe. Does your ex live in the same town as you?  None of them do. Do you have any of your teachers on Myspace/Facebook?  Previous teachers, yes. What comes up when you google your name?  The Instant Checkmate site. Where’s the closest church to you? Do you attend it?  Not even a minute away, and no. Dr. Pepper or Root Beer?  I hate root beer, but I'm not big on Dr. Pepper either. Do you have a firepit in your yard?  No. Who do you talk to about personal problems?  Mom or Sara. Have you ever captured a moth?  I had a "pet" caterpillar when I was a kid and it turned into a moth that I released, if that counts. How long have you been dating the person you’re with? A few days from five months. Did you have a tree house when you were a child?  No. What is something that makes you grumpy?  Being really hungry. What school teams or clubs are/were you apart of?  National Honors Society, National Art Honors Society You can get a $1,000 gift card to any store you want, what is it?  Hot Topic. What’s the longest book you’ve ever read? How long did it take you?  I think "Not Without My Daughter."  I was really invested in it, so I doubt less than two weeks. Should a convicted murderer have the same right to be on the organ donor waiting list as anyone else?  I mean I guess?  A valuable organ is a valuable organ. How is your blood pressure?  This may have changed since I've come off many medicines, but mine at least was usually concerningly low.  I always had to explain to doctors it was normal for me. Have you ever stalked or killed a wild animal?  No. Ever had a rumor spread about you?  Yes, that Jason and I had a baby.  Even though I was obviously never pregnant.  His ex started it. What would you want to be written on your tombstone?  Probably "but you took it like a woman," a reference to an Alice Cooper song. Ever kissed someone’s hand?  Yes. Have you ever ran for class president?  No. Are you a rather gullible person?  Not really. If it had to be only daytime or nighttime all day, which would you choose?  As much as I like the night, daytime.  Humans and most animals are diurnal, so it'd be very difficult to adjust to that. When was the last time you went camping?  I've never been properly camping. Did you play with Play-Doh as a kid? Hell yeah dude. Have you ever found a four leaf clover?  True shit, I found a patch of them in our front yard the day after Dad left. Do you own a raincoat?  No. Are you fascinated by outer space?  Yes yes yeees!  I'm scared of it also, though. Is there a tree outside your window?  Yeah. What season would you want to get married in? Autumn. Have you ever tried Akinator? Yeah. Do you swear in front of children? No. Are you good at catching things? NO.  My hand-eye coordination is shit. What’s the biggest bruise you’ve ever had?  I'm not sure... but I'm guessing one of my knees since they've seen some shit. How would you react if you had a particularly unusual pain or ache? Tell my mother.  Although I usually look it up online if she's not home and it's always a bad idea because I'll find something awful, and then my anxiety kicks up lmao. What’s something that you like wearing, but you don’t actually wear it often? Skinny jeans.  I never wear jeans anymore. How often do you paint your nails?  Never. Which one thing made you cry the hardest?  It definitely related to my breakup.  I think that actual night, I didn't cry as much as me being in shock.  Wait... no, pretty sure it was after Mom caught me running for a knife that night.  I sobbed my fucking lungs out. Could you fall in love with someone, despite what they might look like? Yup. If someone was crying to themselves in public, would you ask if they’re OK?  Absolutely.  As socially inept as I am, I'd still feel awful if I didn't. Ever fingered a girl?  No. Do your parents still hide eggs around the house for Easter?  No. Do you wear choker necklaces?  When I wear necklaces, sometimes. When was the last you ran a mile?  High school. Do you have a big butt?  No. Are you pro-life or pro-choice?  I'd say I'm mostly pro-life, but I believe abortion is acceptable in some cases. What color is your phone?  Really dark navy. Do you know more than two digits of pi?  No. Do you have any STDs?  No. Do you have a favorite NASCAR driver?  No. Who’s your celebrity crush?  Mark Fischbach. Have you ever had any article of clothing tailored? What for?  Yes, a prom dress and bridesmaid dress. What are two foods you think taste good with whipped cream?  I HATE WHIPPED CREAM. When you see a feather on the ground, do you ever pick it up?  If it's cool, I'll probably keep it. If you eat it, what is your favorite way to eat beef?  Burgers. When was the last time you had a pet goldfish? What was its name?  I couldn't tell you, dude. What are the three events this year you are looking forward to?  Seeing Sara in literally two days, probs getting a new tattoo, hopefully returning to my healthy weight or get at least close. Do you prefer nail polish with sparkles in it, or matte colors? I don't wear nail polish like ever, but matte. Would you rather hold hands or link arms with your significant other?  Hold hands. Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret?  Yeah. Do you like getting hurt? Uhhh no I'm not a masochist. Do you believe in destiny?  No, I believe in free will. Do you have any birthmarks?  Yes, on the left side of my left arm. Have you ever watched anyone sleep? There were times where I'd still be up on the laptop at Jason's and look over at him and smile.  But it was never more than just a few seconds. Do you ever go back and read stories or books you read when you were a child?  Not for myself.  The only times I've ever done that is when I'm reading to Aubree. Have you and a partner ever had “a song”? My ex and I had two and Sara and I have about five thousand lmao. Do you think that it is okay for men to cry, or is it only okay under certain circumstances? Of fucking course it's okay. What is one of your favorite movie quotes?  "My mama always said, 'Life was like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you're gonna get.'"  From Forrest Gump. Describe your teeth:  Normal, just wish they were a bit whiter. What is one thing you look forward to every day?  A Markiplier video. What is one thing you dread every day?  Trying to go to sleep at night.  I like sleeping, just not tossing and turning until it happens. When was the last time you cleaned your ears via QTip?  Forever ago because they're the reason I got wax adhered to my eardrum from pushing it back too deep.  I use a different tool now. What's the longest you’ve lived without electricity?  Just like overnight and a few hours. Name all of the alcoholic beverages you have tried:  Daiquiris, sangrias, and margaritas are the only ones I like, but I used to have a sip of wine in Catholic school and also this disgusting coconut thing Nicole had. Name all the types/brands of cigarettes you have tried:  I've never smoked. Do you like to do puzzles (crosswords, word find, Sudoku, etc.)?  Yes. What is the most alcohol you’ve drank in a night?  I think five and a half daiquiris.  New Years 2017. Have you been to see an opera?  No. Have you ever been stung by anything? What?  A bumblebee. Is there anything you dislike about your house?  We don't have two bathrooms. What do you like to put on bagels?  Cream cheese. Do you like orange juice?  So long it doesn't have pulp, I love it. If you had to choose, which bug isn't ugly?  There's a number.  I love butterflies, ladybugs, moths, and caterpillars. Have you ever had an ulcer?  No. Do you have any rare medical conditions?  AvPD and (inactive) MRSA. The first time you remember being hospitalized, what was it for? Being suicidal. What does your favorite necklace look like? It's a spiked choker. If you crack your knuckles, do you crack them one at a time, or all at the same time?  I don't crack my knuckles. Do you sneeze into your hand or into the crook of your arm when you don’t have a tissue? The latter. Do you hate when grapes have seeds in them?  It doesn't bother me. Have you ever heard of Bananas in Pajamas? Yeah, my older sister loved that show.

[byeoltan]

Hi!! Let me say at first how much I appreciate you, your blog is my favourite one!! Thank you for keeping it interesting and diverse! I have a question. Do you by any chance understand what bts comeback concept has to do with words 'love yourself'?? I got that album is about falling in love, being special for someone and unique moments in one's life etc. But i still can't get why they imply that the concept is about loving one's self if this issue barely was touched upon? Am i missing on smth?

but it was written in every breath they took in producing the album bby TT 

their comeback stage showed it all, they could’ve started with intro: serendipity, but no, they straight up went with ‘i need u’ the song that took them to where they are now. they mentioned how everyone cried so much when they had their very first win with i need u, especially jimin. it was in i need u that they realized they might just.. have made it, a step further. if you’ve been with them for a while, you’d know how dirty bangtan and army were treated, like really we were dissed left and right it was really a tough situation especially for k-armys they can’t even be proud of our boys or even mention their names in articles without getting ridiculed just cos they’re not ‘big’ TT and even when we had our first win, bangtan still get called out for ridiculous reasons that’s just. the fact that they made their comeback with i need u shows just how much they treasure the moment the fans that made it possible at that time, i need u was the breakthrough, i need u made them realize that they can actually be… happy now, and move forward. and maybe love themselves more, and performing mic drop afterwards shows exactly that :)

honestly love yourself album is in every sense, calls you to love yourself, if not, more, even when you don’t think you can, just look at the lyrics

just let me love yousince the time the universe was first formedeverything has been decidedjust let me love you–intro: serendipity

and when they say

don’t worry, lovebecause all of this is isn’t a coincidence(even when) we are totally different, babybecause (of that still) destiny is found in the two of ussince the day the universe came into existence, it has continuously been soand transcending for infinite centuries, it will continuously be sofrom our past lives too, perhaps, and even the next lives to comebecause we will still be together forever (no matter)–DNA

doesn’t that encourage you to embrace yourself, despite our differences? and

when you say that you love mefeels like i’m treading on the sky/heavenstell me about forever just one more timewhen you say that you love mei, i’ll be fine even if just those wordsthat you would never change, just one more time–best of me

bangtan treasures us so much as they treasure themselves that they wish for our love to never change no matter how bad things might get 

i wonder if it’s a mistake an angel left behindif not that then, a deep kiss?that dimple is illegalbut I want it anyway anyway anyway–보조개 (dimple)

did you know? that dimples are a medical flaw, a genetic defect that is caused by shortened facial muscles, which is why when we smile, the shorten muscle pulls the skin on our face causing a dimple. but somehow in our society, dimples are embraced and carries a mark of beauty and loveliness the contradiction is fascinating how human perception can override facts, and i personally think this is what makes the song more meaningful despite the casual pop tune, because what ever flaw you think you have, might not be a flaw at all. you can chose to hide it by not smiling, but isn’t it lovely when you smile? love yourself.

stopnow stop watching (and) start studying for (your) examsyour parents and your manager/boss they dislike meall those video clips you’ve watched, twitter photos,v app, bon voyage i know they’re so good, what should we dostop. the music video, (i’m saying) interpret (it) lateraren’t there plenty of my photos in your room, anywaywhat is an hour even? a year passes by just like thatthis song is a reward i’m giving (it) to you.good girl/good boy–pied piper

btw 착해 is an expression, a good compliment you usually receive from an elderly person/grown up when if you do well in something, its not sexual guys idk why some ppl imply it is lmao

so when bangtan says this they mean it wholeheartedly like a friend, like an older brother because they know how bad we have it for them, they know how much influence they have on us, as much as we ahve on them. despite scolding us, albeit, in a loving manner, they really want the best for us. unlike the original story where the pied piper drove the children away from the town of hamelin when the town ppl refuse to pay for his service in luring the plague causing rats away, bangtna isn’t set to lure us away, they in fact, want us to go to them, be with them, love with them, but in addition, we have to set our priorities in real life straight, so that, everyone can appreciate our love too, and maybe, the society won’t put much hate on us anymore.

please army remember what we say, love myself, love yourself, i really love you, and thank you

–skit: billboard music awards speech

this says everything hnnggghh

yeah? who said my ‘spoon was dirty’i don’t care, when i grab the mic i own those whole lot of ‘gold spoons’all of a sudden, those that didn’t cook well are in rage, those lot of steaks i’ll chew on y’all over and over again, on the star’s dinner table–mic drop

oh man i need another post dedicated to mic drop there’s so many things to talk about in this 

the thing i earn with hard work, my paygonna spend it all on my tummy all the pennies i collect/count just to waste it all (on my tummy)leave me be, even if i overspendor come tomorrow morning and like a crazy guymy savings, if i cash them all out (leave me be)woo there’s no tomorrowmy future’s been seized for collateral  woo my money’s all further spent friends, wassup?do you want some?–고민보다 Go (rather than worrying, go)

this whole song is satirical critique tbh even the dance choreography pls appreciate them

and then the outro, which reiterates everything about love and sacrifice, about being the best of yourself, about loving yourself first and foremost

the world is a complexwe was lookin’ for lovei am too, just one of those pplhonestly even i didn’t believe in real lovelike a habit i said i want to love, just babbling like thatbut i found myselfthe whole new myselfeven if i’m confused, which am i is the real meme meeting you makes me wonder, aren’t i a book?or is it you, who are the turning pages (of my book)?damn–outro: her

PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS SKIT THERES ENG SUB AND CRY WITH ME HOW ARE THEY SO PUREE THEY WERE REMEMBERING OLD DAYS AND HOW THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT BILLBOARD IS NAD JIMIN HE JIMIN THOUGHT GRAMMY WAS A PERSON’S NAME AJSHD

theres a reason why bangtan made the skit and sea as hidden tracks, you have to undertsand that bangtan has come a longg way. and one of the reasons why they were finally able to get their first win the last time was through purchase of physical copies, which helped tremendously raise the sales. bangtan may be celebrated and loved wordlwide but back in their home ground, they were nobodies, which is why buying physical copy always meant more even (especially for k-fandoms) since you’re willing to go for an extra mile, its part of kfandom culture for fans to invest a lot of time and money for their group supports and projects to help get their fave name out there, sure you can like/listen to other groups but ultimately, hundreds of idols debut eveyr year so in order to make sure your group lasts a long time, korean fans consider it very important to pledge their loyalty to a single group and support them with all you have, this is why it was even harder for karmys because we come from small company :’)

and now that they are getting success tremendously over the past year (BANGTAN’S #7 ON BILLBOARD 200 GUYS PLEASE GIVE YOURSELFVES A PAT WE DID THAT), love yourself is to be quite honest, an album dedicated to armys all round, and those two tracks are just a little bit more intimate, and more on a personal level, which is why it was hidden from the rest of the world, i’d like to think that the reason they kept it hidden in a physical copy because they know for certain that only their fans would purchase a physical copy, and that they want us to be the first ppl to hear it, to listen to their laments, their grieves, their happiness, their love, they just wanna them share with us first and foremost, because they know only we would get it, because we’ve been there

in the end the mirage is caught andit becomes reality, andthe desert i was once afraidbecame the sea with our blood, sweat, and tearsbut then amongst all this happiness,what are these fears?because this place is originally a desert, we know this too well–sea

[raindrop-rouge]

How well do you know your best friend?

Original post here. Answer these questions about your bff, your tumblr bff, or just anyone you want to show a lot of appreciation on here to!!!!

I was tagged by @chiruchill and will answer the questions about her (and tagging her back!!!). Tagging @shulkie @milleandra-nebula @crying-abt-fictional-people , uh chiru also tagged @glassesgirl0401 and @gray-x-natsus-matching-hip-scars  but it didn’t seem to work? idk guys feel free to spread the love but also feel free to ignore!!! (I HIGHLY recommend getting the questions from the original post, I rambled for MILES in every single question you don’t wanna read the below trust me)

1. What is your best friend’s dream job, and why? Man, idk that you’ve ever blabbed about something specific, like I know you’d love to run a café with me, or a library with your mom, or any kind if small store like that... Obviously I know you were ready to invest a lot of time and effort into teaching too... Any job that would give you enough time and self management to allow you to spend time with your dogs really ahaha

2. What is their biggest pet peeve, and why do you think that is? The main one is people being 1)  messy and 2) loud. A few weeks ago I would have just said “well you’re considerate and wish they could be too”, but I said I’d be brutally honest about this and girl... I read something a little while ago and I am genuinely worried your hyperawareness of everyone around you stems from something more specific, but we can talk about it whenever

3. What is their favourite TV series (live action)? LMAO GO AWAY I GET THE MESSAGE I will watch Arrested Development asap

4. What is their favourite TV series (animated)? Ahaha you’ve recommended a lot of quality comedies to me over the years, do you have an ultimate fave though? I know there was that group of school girls comedy gdi I watched it but forget the name >< welp

5. What does your best friend value most in life, and why? (Do you think they value most what they say they do, or something else?) Holy shit ok this goes right back to a thing the guys were talking about earlier. I’m gonna say your dogs, like you do say you do :p If we’re talking values in people/ ways of life... What the guys brought up was that you say you only want a simple life with just what we need, but... well, I guess we all know none of us have ANY idea what a minimal life is like, so I’d say what you mean by that is, you do value the life standard we currently have, where we never have to worry about a solid roof over our heads, food, and enough money left to support your pets. So yeah, my answer is 1) your dogs, and 2) the kinda life where we can support them x)

6. How would you describe their style, and how would they describe it? Colorful (but that’s how us French see all Scandinavians tbh), comfortable, like effortless but still cute? You’d probably agree it’s colorful but then say it’s not “stylish” though XD I think you just really like cute things but muuuuch prefer comfort first

7. If you were to decorate a room for your best friend, what would it look like, and why? !!!!! Aaahhh I’m a shit decorator with no taste, but I’d keep it minimal cause that’s how you feel best! A massive bed for you and your dogs, maybe nice tall lights you can reach from the bed but light the room well... A bookshelf... A pretty big desk... I’d want to add lots of plants and pillows, but idk if you’d want that clutter :/ Colors would be white beige and either pastel green or pastel pink.

8. What do you think their best quality is? You know how during a mario kart race you can see the names shuffle on the side as players cut in front or fall behind, that’s what your qualities are doing in my head now... You’re patient, so strong and independent (which I admire endlessly), generous, smart, but I guess what really sets you apart from me is your specific sense of humor and just wit in general??? idk how to explain, it’s not just that you make me laugh, it’s everything you say, I know only you would come up with that at that moment. It’s a big part of what makes me so excited when I’m around you, and a big part of why I miss you so badly when I’m not.

9. What does your best friend think their best quality is? Would they agree with you? Yee you think you’re funny and you’re right :p  Unless now you think your patience is your top quality given how much you’ve put up with lately

10. What is your best friend’s favourite book (or book series)? The Hobbit

11. What do you have in common with your best friend? LMAO our shitty sense of humor... Omg what else though :o we’re really different... maybe how difficult we are when it comes to really letting people in? idk please answer this one better than me

12. How did you meet, and what was your first impression of your best friend? First day of uni!!!! I was lost and confused, she had papers and was alone and therefore less intimidating, I asked her where she got the documents from... And once I got them, I think sheeee was the one to offer we sit next to each other while I was munching on my apple ahaha. I missed the next meeting, but after that she saw me at the bus stop, and offered to wait for the bus with me??? Kindest thing anyone had ever done for me at that point in my life, so yeah... How far we’ve come :’) Very first impression though... “she looks reasonable enough to talk to... Oh she’s nice... Yay she’s really nice!!!” ahaha

13. What does your best friend spend their free time doing, and why do you think they choose to do what they do? Reading, petting the dogs, watching stuff, gaming... It’s escapism isn’t it babe :’) Anything that’s relaxing and distracts you from whatever is happening irl

14. Who is their favourite fictional character, and why? Luigi cause he wears green lmao and cause he’s like the “second” brother and therefore deserves more love

15. What’s the first thing you tell other people when you talk about your best friend? “So Chiru - she’s my best friend and you’ll be hearing about her every day -” ACTUAL LINE SERVED TO ALL MY CO-WORKERS. And then I tend to say we lived together for 2 years, and that I miss you a lot

16. What’s your favourite story about them? Is there a single fave...How we met, how we came to do our groceries together and suddenly became unseparable, MY SURPRISE BDAY x2, coming to cheer for me at cheer, casually inviting me to your home, Nice (omg you reading Scandinavia and the world to me!!), our Japan travels, everything, right up to getting your last dog, is a highlight in my life

17. What’s your least favourite story about them? :))) fuck if I am telling that on here. Oh shit I said I’d be honest. Look... I think sometimes you forget I’m pretty insecure and basically any minor (or... you know... not so minor) event that makes me think maybe you’ll leave me behind after all is just like. uhm. “least favorite stories” is a mild way to explain how I feel about those times

18. Why do you think you two ended up becoming best friends? My dudes I wonder a lot. I know it’s so much more than just living together, if anything that makes most people hate each other. It’s shared values, willingness to make balanced efforts for each other, an endless stream of ideas for fun coming from both sides, similar interests... I don’t know, but Chiru I am just so grateful everyday I did find you

19. Would you be honest with your best friend if they were happy doing something, but you think it might end up harming them in the end? Ouch. Ok well... The truth is sometimes I doooo worry, but I’m so convinced you know what you’re doing so much better than I do, that no, I tend to trust whatever you say, if you’re convinced (/telling me you’re convinced) that what you’re doing isn’t harming you, I’ll believe you. At least, that’s what I tell myself... A part me of does worry, though, that I just don’t speak up because you’ll already have all the arguments ready and we’ll just unnecessarily argue about it, and I’ll end up hurt, and yes exactly it’s as bad as it sounds, I’m worried I wouldn’t want to fight you over your happiness in case it would result in hurt feelings. I’m a mess, this is terrible and I gotta work on that

20. Does your best friend play any instruments? Why do you think they chose that instrument? BISH SAYS SHE CAN SORTA PLAY THE GUITAR AND PIANO BUT HAS SHE PLAYED FOR ME YET, I THINK NOT. I am unappreciated, where is my serenade (jk jk, I realy doooo wanna hear you play though!!)

21. Do you and your best friend have a dream for the future, if so, what is it? Move in with me please it’s the one thing that keeps me going

22. What is one thing you have always wanted to tell your best friend, but never have? :)))) ((((: *digs through a million letter drafts and hell, fic drafts, we all know where my inspiration comes from anyway* Sigh... Well first of all I need you to know you’re the most beautiful and kind soul I have ever encountered. Please get that through your head. Secondly... I don’t think I’d have EVER brought this up, but that’s what the question is aiming for, isn’t it... You probably only held my hand in Barcelona because I was so black-out wasted you were worried I wouldn’t follow you home otherwise, but it made me sort of ridiculously happy, and I guess I wouldn’t mind if it happened again

23. What do you think your best friend’s life will be like 10 years from now? What I’m thinking or wishful thinking hah... Thinking, well... deep breath, you’ll be alright :) You’ll have a comfortable home somewhere you like, with a job that suits you. You’re too stubborn to settle for any less. Your dogs are with you, of course. And so is whoever will be lucky enough to be chosen by you. You can guess based on that what the wishful thinking is

24. What song makes you think of your best friend? IT’S 4:18 AM AND HONESTLY THERE ARE SO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM (anything from Just Dance tbh XD) BUT I CHOOSE THIS GEM (45:21) because fukkit it’s cold as heeeeck in my room right now and I’m only listening to this kind of music

25. Just to end on a mean note, what’s your best friend’s worst personality trait? (Be honest now, guys, none of that “they’re just too kind” bullshit) Worst? You wanna hear something crazy... Well you know I miss you, I always do and have been for so long now, but once I thought maybe if I listed everything that maybe weren’t the beeesst parts of your personality, and all the parts of my personality that probably annoyed you, I’d force myself to accept that maybe it’d be best for us to stop living together... And gdi I tried. But it’s just a really ridiculous list ... or at least it was, until that one night... Remember when one of my friends took my phone and texted you quite extensively, and that went really really badly? Well here’s the moment of truth: (hey it’s 4:25 now and I was out) I had broken down sobbing after you compared me to your dogs again :’) Look, sober me can rationally process your way of thinking. But... I guess deep down, we’re not the same, I want to be loved and appreciated like a human being. I’m genuinely sorry I couldn’t bring myself to tell you this sooner, idk what I was so scared of. So, uh, “worst” personality trait (which really isn’t one but)... omg I can’t even phrase this without turning it against myself ahaha, like it’s my own fault for telling you that everything was fine when it wasn’t. So look this isn’t even about your worst personality trait, I guess it’s me realizing I gotta stop lying about crap, and I hope you’ll be considerate and understanding like always :’) 

[prinxiety-logicalitysanderssides]

Confidence Sanders

Hi @princey-and-hottopic I heard you wanted this? @princeyandanxiety @use-it-ironically @dan-yuna (Hi you're cool so I'm tagging you hi) @prplzorua hi I'm on wattpad too I just never use it until now so hi Wow that's a lot of hi's 

TW: ANGST ANGST SELF HATE Suicidal Thoughts, arguing, yelling. Like a LOT of self hate, death mention

 Anyway it's on wattpad and it's better on wattpad cause I still haven't figure out HTML ok I'm bad at this anyway pls use wattpad http://my.w.tt/UiNb/mA5zwYEyCC or read it here whichever works tbh

 "I can't... I can't believe you. How dare you!" Prince exclaimed. He had heared Anxiety's response to his "Can't you be nicer? Why can't you be more like me or Morality? It's not that hard!" comment, which was “maybe I’m just not confident enough”.

Thomas looked confused. "Wait, why are you angry? You technically were the one to start this." he asked. Morality tried to shush Thomas and explain but it was too late. "Me?! Me?! I started this? Anxiety started this years ago! Blame him!" Prince yelled. 

Logic cut in. "Thomas, perhaps its better if we all.. explained?" "Ah, yeah, that would be good." Thomas replied. His eyes flicked to Prince, then Anxiety. Anxiety just looked.... subdued. Like he had given up a long time ago. It did not give Thomas a good feeling. Morality spoke up, also looking worriedly at Anxiety and Prince. "Well... years ago, when you were in high school... oh wait, lets back up a little." Prince huffed. Morality drove on. "So features of your personality, like happiness and fear, are incorporeal. See I do know big words!" Logic nodded and gestured on. "Well they do exist in your mindscape as.... kinda.... Logic?" "They exist as incorporeal entities, particles, if you can call them particles, spread out through the mindscape. But occasionally, these features become corporeal, similar to us. Anxiety, if i am correct, was/still is, one of these features" they all turn to look at Anxiety, Prince huffing again. He complained "But that's not the point-" "Please let Anxiety explain further" Logic interrupted. They all looked at Anxiety. He panicked. "Uhhhhhhhhh." "Kiddo, you okay?" Morality asked. That snapped him out of it for the time being. "So I.. was? I think.. up until Thomas turned about thirteen, I was a feature. Before then, I was a part of Fear, another feature. I mean, I think, I don't know. Some features are connected to other features but have a smaller and more concentrated range of emotions/control, that sort of thing. I think I was just a smaller feature who had to listen to Fear?" Anxiety was rambling, unable to stop. Morality cut him off. "Okay, thanks kiddo, how about you relax now. I'll take it from here." "How about I do?" Logic queried. "Sure!" Morality replied. "So basically, up until thirteen years of age, Anxiety was a feature and" Thomas jumped in " And there was only the three of you?" "Not.. exactly. There was another former feature that arrived shortly after Prince did, to help with performing. His name was Confidence. He used to just be a feature, working in the background, completely invisible and incorporeal, except now, he was needed in the 'front line' to help keep your.. well, help keep your confidence up." Prince and Anxiety's eyes were watering, though neither would ever admit it. Thomas had a feeling it had something to do with the name 'Confidence'. 'Was that the word that freaked Prince out anyway?' he thought. Logic had paused, trying to choose how to go on. He glanced at Prince then stated "Prince and Anxiety better do the rest" "Why me?!" Anxiety asked, shocked. "You were there. You were best friends after all, were you not?" Logic responded. Anxiety shut up after that, looking like he was going to avoid speaking as much as possible. "I may as well start then" Prince decided. "Confidence appeared a little while after me. We were the best of friends. But Confidence was always... he was always" Prince broke down, sobbing. "He was, he was. He had a lingering-" he couldn't stop sobbing as he tried to struggle through his words. "He had always a lingering feel of, of fear. I, I, i appear around three years old, after Thomas first Disney movie. But Confidence, he, he appeared around" Prince's stuttering would not stop. "Around four. We couldn't really... talk properly back then but he tried to tell me about this friend he had. He described something like Anxiety, guess. Another feature. Before Confidence, before he arrived-" Logic stepped in. "What Prince is trying to say, I think, is that before Confidence, we were led by a blind need for food or to learn or for any other reason. Any brazenness was a product of that." Prince continued. "Yes, I meant that. But the point was, we were best friends for years, and then Anxiety showed up and ruined it!" "I didn't ruin anything! It's not my fault I exist! From the sounds of it, someone was gonna appeared either way, what with the sense of fear you got!" Anxiety fought back against Prince's words, who tried to combat him. "After you arrived, the fear went away! It was you, always you, lurking, hiding in the shadows ready to pounce as soon as the opportunity struck! And it did, the first time Thomas got critiqued in front of the whole class when he had no excuse! The one time Thomas had no reason for being late to school! You saw your opportunity and you took it!" He was practically crying out now, shrieking. Morality stepped in front of Thomas, who was shrinking back in emotion turmoil. Logic tried to prevent the fight from going any further. He failed. "Maybe, maybe, I could have forgiven you if you had apologised. But no! You let my love die. It's your fault. Confidence would hate you. He fucking hates you." Prince screamed vindictively. Anxiety looked away, tears falling softly from his lashes, eyeliner streaming. "I know" he whispered, so full of remorse and regret and true and utter sadness that Prince stopped. The room was silent. "What?" Prince asked, quietly, so quietly, so gently, that Anxiety finally gazed up at him, shocked. "That was his.. dying wish. He always hated it when I apologised a lot. He always tried to stop me. He was my brother after all. That's what bros do, right?" Anxiety released a bitter chuckle. "I mean, that what we used to". The silence, which had only been broken by their remorseful voices, increased ten fold. Ten minutes past. Morality comforted Thomas and they all tried to deal with the realisation they never had : Confidence and Anxiety were brothers. It all made so much sense now, and that brought on so much regret. Softly, ever so softly, Prince spoke up once more. "Brothers? He never... never told me that". Prince slowly moved to sit across from Anxiety, only centimetres away, through that still felt like a mile. Anxiety gave one last bitter laugh. "Yeah. He didn't want to hurt you, knowing that the guy that could kill 'your love' was his younger brother, destined to kill him and destined to love him. Destined to forever regret it. Funny right? He was too nice. He was confident. Confident you'd never find out. Never hurt me. Would never have a reason to hurt me. He was so confident. Even when he knew he was wrong. Confident, arrogant even. Just. Too. confident." Anxiety spat out his words, resentful and yet, still mournful, still missing the brother he could never get back. " I mean, I'll never see him again, so what does it matter? So Princey, since it's my fault, I choose to obey his final. fucking. wish. Even if it's only out loud. So you can stop constantly, constantly.. bullying me about it. I can bully myself perfectly well" Prince shuddered, trying to stem the flow of his tears. Anxiety kept on, continuing. "Even if i could bring him back to life, 'repent' my own existence, the thing that killed him. Well, if I could, i would die, and I'm not too selfish not to do that, i would, definitely, gladly, but it would break him even more. I'm not cruel. I'm not a- I'm not a murderer. I'm not, it's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault, I just existed, it's not my fault I exist but it is it is it is it is it is it is" Anxiety was breaking down, trying to conciliate his love for his brother and the want to keep to his last wish, and his own self loathing and knowledge of the technical truth, which was that it was his fault, it was his fault because he existed. But it wasn't his fault he existed. So who's fault was it? It couldn't be Anxiety's, if they were technical about it. And it wasn't any of their faults. But- "it had to be someone's fault. He can't have died for.. for no reason" Anxiety was full on sobbing, crying for a life he could never get back, for a brother he could never get back. He whimpered. Morality slowly stood up to gently hug him, bawling his eyes out. Thomas had moved to the others as well, blubbering. Logic was the least likely person to move, but he did, and that was what mattered. He insisted he was having any 'icky emotions' but he was weeping with the rest of them. Prince was keening the most, tears falling like a waterfall, already having fallen on Anxiety, hugging in with the most remorse a person had ever had. 'Ha. At least now there's two of us with regret now Princey" Anxiety hazarded a joke after the sounds of crying slowed down. Everyone had been crying but now they had no energy left, really. "Yeah" Prince responded with a shaky laugh, "Yeah". "I'm sorry" ------- I'm sorry too. Ha no I'm not this took me like three or four hour to write, do you think I would do that if I was gonna be sorry about it lmao no. Also: this is Context from the original post: It was the one time anxiety ever listened to his older brother/brother figure when confidence said ‘anxiety Please don’t blame yourself’ and tried to help him. The only time he listened. Confidence begged him, right before he died. ‘Please Anxiety. One time. For me. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t apologise. It’s not your fault. It’s what you were made for. Anxiety, bro.’ Anxiety laughed a little at that. ‘Bros? Really? You’ve never called us that.’ ’ Yeah. But it’s irony. Come on bro’ anxiety chuckled again. ‘Okay then. ’ confidence shuddered a little. 'Bro, anxiety, listen to me, seriously.’ Anxiety glance up. 'Anxiety. Promise you won’t blame yourself. Before… before I die. You know I will. It’s bound to happen.’ Anxiety looks away. 'Anxiety. Come on. I’ll still be here. Just.. not physically. Hey, wait, we’ve always wanted a ghost! Look, you’re gonna get one. Anxiety. Anxiety. Don’t cry. Oh please don’t cry I’m not the best at crying. Promise me… please’ 
Anxiety was full on sobbing now. 'No, no no I can’t, not you, not now.’ 
There was silence. Confidence looked up to acknowledge the elephant in the room. 'I’m disappearing…. please’ 'Okay'

[nzeldahime]

tag gameu (ayyye)

Tagged by @gummicows <3 thanks boo (tbh I wish I could tag you back, I’d like to know your answers to my new questions lol)

questions:

1) What’s the weirdest nickname people have given you? Probably Satan/Hades cuz they are what they are lol but I didn’t mind; oh and also Care Bear which is just weird altogether 2) How did you get your url? Well all of my social media accounts have this username so I kinda just kept it, the extra n for ‘nikki’ and I love LoZ 3) What’s the weather like outside? Well it’s nighttime rn so it’s really cold and probably still sprinkling since it’s been raining like all day  4) Favorite band? Favorite album of theirs? I have several favorite bands but I’ll just stick with my top 2, Green Day and One Direction. For GD my favorite album has to be the first one of theirs I ever got, which was 21st Century Breakdown in like, 6th or 7th grade from one of my very good friends, I honestly think it’s their best album. For 1D, gosh idk I can’t pick a favorite since Made in the AM is really good but also I have a special connection with both Four and Midnight Memories; I guess I’d pick Midnight Memories cuz a lot of my favorite songs come from that album. 5) How did you meet your best friend? Which one lol I guess I’ll do all of them. So i’ve got three; the one I’ve had the longest is my friend who I met in the 9th grade, we met in JROTC if I’m not mistaken. My middle bestie, Becca, I met her in Spanish class my sophomore year (whoops can’t believe I can’t remember if it was 10th or 11th), we both were really shy and found ourselves only talking to each other because we sat next to each other and refused to move or socialize lmao. My most recent best friend I’ve also known since 10th but we didn’t get super close until we were juniors (hence why I said most recent), we met in a biology classroom cuz we would always hang out there after school waiting out the crowds and we didn’t have a lot of friends so we hung out with that teacher lol. 6) Do you have a calendar on the wall? What’s this months photo? I do have my own calendar and it’s full of baby animals :D this month’s happens to be a little elephant walking through a desert  7) Favorite fruit? Dang this is kinda hard, I like lots of em. I guess I’d have to say cantaloupe or watermelon tho, cuz tbh I could eat a whole one by myself in one sitting (which i’ve probably done before lmao) 8) Ever been to a national park (or equivalent in your country)? did you like it? I think I’ve been to a few actually, the Grand Canyon, Joshua Tree and I’ve passed through San Bernardino forest before. Of course I liked it, seeing so much area of pure nature that hasn’t been tampered with is breathtaking; especially the Grand Canyon, every distant view looked like a postcard, I couldn’t get over the unrealistic beauty that I saw before me. 9) Is your desk clean or a royal mess? Honestly it’s a huge mess but for me it isn’t a problem cuz I know where things are at, they just aren’t organized very cleanly   10) Do you like wearing hats? Yahh I have a few snapbacks and like a million and one beanies haha 11) Has any of the fandoms you have been in disgusted you? I’ve been on tumblr for too long that nothing has really disgusted me. Seriously.  12) If you wanted to change your url, what would it be? I can honestly say that I haven’t wanted to change my url but now that I think about it, I’d probably throw in a youtuber reference lmao   13) Do you have any hobbies? Well I dabble in the writings sometimes otherwise usually just YouTube, tumblr, and listening to music are my well known habits  14) How socially awkward are you (stories anyone ;D)? Very much so that I’m uncomfortable talking to other people unless I’ve been friends with them for awhile. I can’t think of a story off the top of my head but tbh I’m sure there are many a times I’ve been. Oh god ask me about the time I entered a cosplay contest as the Fnaf Marionette, it’s hilariously embarrassing 15) Do you have a musical preference? Not precisely considering my fav bands are Green Day and 1D lmao but I’d prefer not to listen to country   16) Are there any books that hold a special place in your heart? There is this adorable graphic novel called Smile by Raina Telgemier that I love so much cuz it’s about the author’s crazy journey from middle school to high school with dental drama, I like to relate to it since I’ve had braces, rubber bands, and even headgear lol I also can never get over The Fault in Our Stars, it’s one of my favorite books, and my favorite book series is The Wolves of Mercy Falls by Maggie Stiefvater, it has a brilliant concept  17) Any movies you’d recommend? Recently we watched this sorta indie fantasy movie called The Monster Calls and it has an interesting story with some cute animations (it isn’t animated tho). A more mainstream movie I’d recommend is Fantastic Beasts, it was, fantastic, sorry I had to lol and also Moana , it’s sooooooo amazing  18) What is a phrase you commonly use? ”Rip me” I also have the language of a pure Californian so I say ‘like’ almost a hundred times in one sentence and I call basically everybody ‘dude.’  19) What is the first thing you notice when you see someone? Usually their teeth. That’s weird, I know lol or sometimes their hair 20) Have you ever fainted or passed out before? I don’t think so. I thought I was gonna pass out after I ran the mile once but I ended up throwing up instead.

my 10 q’s:

1) What’s your favorite song? 2) If your walls are painted, what color are they? 3) Do you have any pets? What are they? Names? 4) Right or left handed?  5) Do you play video games? If so, what is your favorite one? 6) What is you current wallpaper (as in phone or computer)? 7) Do you have a daily ritual that is somewhat unusual? 8) What is the current time? 9) What’s your star sign and do you identify with it? 10) If you could have one of those deep conversations with anyone in the world, living or dead, who would it be?

So i’m gonna tag a few of my lovelies like @alphawolfspider @micahkors @myneighborkelsey @dxmn-lourry @sempiternalguess @ricegoddesshanayo and really anyone who wants to do it lol, hope you’ll be up to the challenge, really looking forward to the answers c: 

[shastashein]

Can you do the even numbers on the oversharing questions post?

I just remembered I never answered this even though I promised to so here ya go (I’m on mobile and can’t add tags to this, so general tw ahead for references to suicide, rape, violence, sexual harassment, abuse, and self harm)

-Who have you hurt the most?A girl I went to middle school with. In sixth grade a classmate asked to use my phone to browse the web and she used my Facebook account to send awful sexually explicit messages to another student. She warned me to make sure nobody ever found out it was her and she was terrifying so I thought I couldn’t afford to make an enemy of her and I went along with it. The girl who she harassed was afraid to come to school the next day because I let that happen. I apologized but there’s no way to undo what she said because I did nothing out of reluctance to “be whiny” even when I knew her “prank” was wrong.

-Who do you want out of your life the most?My grandmother. She’s my mother’s abuser and makes coming home miserable.

-Who had the biggest negative impact on you?Same as above probably.

-Who have you harbored (any kind of!) secret feelings toward?I mean… there are tons of people I’ve desperately wanted to befriend but never did anything about. The list is miles long

-Who do you wish you’d treated differently?My ex. I was so afraid of hurting her that I would lie about problems every time they came up. I thought dealing with everything alone was a mark of maturity on my part and made me less selfish/ more noble because I was protecting her. I didn’t realize until later that it was wrong to hide so much (even for her benefit) and to treat her with kid gloves all the time. I think a lot about how I’d like to apologize to her for not trusting her to handle tough situations, but I won’t contact her unless she actually seems to want to talk. It’s been years since we’ve spoken anyway, it probably makes more sense just to let her move on than to try to force closure on her if I don’t even know if that’d be what she’d want.

-What’s your greatest fear?That I irritate my friends and they only pretend to like me because they feel obligated to do so haha

-What’s your biggest regret?I regret wasting so much time and effort on people I never cared about lmao

-Describe your personal hell.Any situation where I’m responsible for children or else where I’m within earshot of people who are making sounds that set off my misophonia.

-What’s the most embarrassed you’ve ever been?I’m gonna go with… every time I’ve ever opened my mouth ever

-What’s the saddest you’ve ever been?I don’t know. A friend of mine loves to remind me of how much she used to hate me (she brings it up less often now, which is nice). When she less-than-subtly implied that throughout highschool people only ever tolerated me and nobody at all genuinely liked me it was pretty devastating.

-What’s the most hopeless you’ve ever felt?There was a period of about two years when I was in my mid teens where I thought I would be able to survive while dedicating my whole existence to helping a friend, but she was severely mentally ill and I didn’t know the first thing about effectively supporting her through that with absolutely no help from anyone, not to mention all the other problems in her life that were out of my control. I spent literally all my time on her but tried to keep it a secret to protect her privacy. I fell asleep every night holding my phone (with the ringer turned all the way up) so I’d never miss a message from her. I talked to her constantly instead of doing my homework and all of the other things that needed to be done. We made plans to move in together as soon as possible and then to get married when we were older (“but only for the tax benefits”). I hated myself for how much I’d started to resent the person I always told myself I loved more than anyone. I was desperate to make something change because I was so obsessed with her that the only time I could be remotely calm was when she was happy, which was almost never. I didn’t see things ever being any different for me/ us and I was struggling to come to terms with the idea that the next decades of my life would be spent dedicating every moment to someone I secretly worried was broken beyond recompense. Eventually either I’d die first and in the moments leading up to that, despise myself more than ever for leaving her alone, or she would and I’d have no purpose anymore because trying to make her happy was my whole life. Thinking about that future was the most hopeless I’ve been.

-What’s the bravest you’ve ever felt?I’ve never been brave even once in my life I’m a massive coward

-What’s the worst case scenario for you future?Uhh. I guess losing my current friends would fuck me over pretty badly??

-What’s the most emotional pain you’ve ever felt???? Probably when someone I was really close with went out alone at night and a man found her and hurt her very badly, raped her, pissed on her, burned her and sliced her back to ribbons, and then he messaged me to brag about what he’d done. He told me he knew to talk to me for a good reaction because after he’d reduced her to incoherent sobbing she just started saying my name over and over, so he found me on Facebook and told me how much fun he’d had. I told my friend I’d always help her and she hoped maybe if she begged enough I would come make him stop but I couldn’t be there and I didn’t do that.

-Describe a time you felt like a traitor.Two of my friends were at a party and they hooked up. Partway through friend one decided he wasn’t into it anymore but friend two wouldn’t stop. Even after learning about this and knowing it made friend one uncomfortable when others still associated with the other party I didn’t cut off contact with friend two as I should have. This means I prioritized a person who sexually assaulted and traumatized my friend over the actual victim. It was selfish and wrong.

-Describe a time you felt inhuman.Not to be Edgy™ but I feel inhuman all the time on account of being constantly dissociated off my ass

-What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?I actually don’t know.

-What’s your relationship with your family like?I’ve answered one like this before. Basically my father’s not a part of my life at all, and my mother’s cool, and I know basically no other members of my family save my grandmother (and she’s an abusive cunt)

-Talk about someone you’ve lost.I’ve only dealt with loss a few times, and it’s mostly been family I wasn’t close with to begin with. I’ll always desperately miss Deneb even though he and I talked infrequently when he was still around. He was the sweetest person and I always wanted to be closer with him.

-Talk about a desire you have that scares you.I can’t think of anything. I get intrusive thoughts about physically harming friends but they’re less desires and more “what if"s and I’m positive I would never act on any of them.

-What’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of?Misophonia makes me want to respond violently to sounds that I can’t handle. I’m terrified that one day I’ll do something bad to my dog if I’m stuck somewhere with her and can’t make her stop smacking her lips. If I did hit her I’d never even be held accountable because nobody would have any way of knowing what I’d done

-Describe your worst heartbreak.If this is asking about romantic heartbreak then N/A.

-Have you ever taken a fall for someone?Not that I can remember right now

-Have you ever done serious physical harm to someone?I dislocated a boy’s arm playing mercy with him. (I ended up being the one to lose though lmao because he wasn’t willing to stop and I had to say mercy if I didn’t want to keep hurting him)

-Have you ever self-harmed?Yes

-Have you ever stolen something?I stole all my blades from the art room in highschool

-Have you ever been cheated on?Nope

-Have you ever seriously considered killing somone?Yes

-Have you ever experienced something supernatural or unexplainable?Not really! I love stories about unexplained events but I don’t really believe in the supernatural. I think there’s always another explanation, boring as that is

[coloredgayngels]

1-8, 10, 13-17, 19-29, 31-43, 45-63, 65-85, 87-147, 149.

@nonrelativistic​ said: ALL THE NUMBERS YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY SNWERED MWAHAHAHAJA

i hate u so much

Everything under the cut bc this is gonna be long and you guys are gonna know so much more about me than you probably ever wanted to.

Ask sent on August 4, 2015; Finished answering 42-150 on March 5, 2017. Bolded portion of answers 1-41 is the current answer.

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

I think it was my friend Madison idk Lexy probably

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

I’m relatively outgoing I guess, just introverted. Ambiverted, so it depends on the situation and what I’m doing

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

School starts on Wednesday so I’m looking forward to seeing Selena, Eric, Liam, sparklebattle​, and vivid-living-color​. We got tech tomorrow, so Lexy, Allison, Brittany, and a few others

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I dunno really. Kinda? Depends on if I like you or not.

5.  If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Of course. They’ve said they would before. Most definitely

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Nerdy and cute, similar to myself, preferably a girl, really nice but not afraid to speak her mind. Always ready to hit a dude. So basically I want Charlie Bradbury. This still reigns true but also Anna Kendrick or Rey 

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Probably not. Well I sure hope so.

8. Who from the opposite another gender is on your mind?

Quite a few boys actually, a girl or two, and one other (I’m nb so there is no “opposite”, not that there is in the first place). I’m not naming names for reasons. Um, Kai, Vine, someone else

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

A bit

10.  Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

I think it was probably spoopycena​ but I don’t remember it well Kai ?? I think ???? @unlxckiest​

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Carl said yesterday 9:30”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

How Far I’ll Go - Moana/Auli’i CravalhoIcarus (Born on Wings of Steel) - KansasSeven Nation Army - Melanie Martinez Voice PerformanceFreaks (ft. Savage) - Timmy TrumpetHow Far We’ve Come - Matchbox Twenty

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Only if they have permission first, but absolutely Heck yeah

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

I don’t know. If anything like that has happened to me, I wouldn’t know. A little bit

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Good things have happened? I suppose. I got to do VBS with a bunch of my friends, went on retreat with the greatest group of people (including said friends), and then spent nearly 12 hours with that same group on Sunday, so those were all really good. I also changed my name twice and I feel good about that. There was a lot of stuff but all in all it wasn’t really great (i dont remember lmao)

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

404 Answer Not Found

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

I wouldn’t doubt it. space mermaids on jupiter

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

No

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yeah. Don’t ever take them tho

20. Do you like your neighbors?

John’s cool, I don’t know the other people, the girls across the street are adorable. Heck yeah

21. What are your bad habits?

I bite my lip when scared/nervous, I scratch at my wrists a lot, I stick out my tongue when focused. I pull my hair when anxious or angry, I click my pens, I tap my fingers and bounce my leg

22. Where would you like to travel?

Anywhere really.

23. Do you have trust issues?

Define trust issues, because I’m 95-100% open to a few people but then 0-5% with other despite how close we may be.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Leaving the house, on a good day (school year)

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

My stomach and my chest

26. What do you do when you wake up?

When I don’t have anywhere to be, I hit snooze, sleep a few hours and then do social media rounds. On school days, I sit up right away so I don’t fall back asleep, do a quick check of emails, facebook messages, and instagram, and then get up. After five alarms, I check Q, delete other notifications, get dressed, and leave the house

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

This is a lil bit of a dangerous question, bc I’m already pale af, but I like it the way it is. Skin color is beautiful no matter what shade it is and nobody should feel the need to change it. A little darker

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

Like, talking, it’s nonrelativistic, shampoovevo, and probably insanity-universe but since they all live a bajillion miles away, I’m presence-wise most comfortable around Liam and Selena. HA @ all of those. Brittany, Allison, Ms. Taylor, Kai, Vine, Basil, KR, Riley, Dawn

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

In a way, yes, I suppose. Both will absolutely see this, so I’m a lil afraid to give a definitive answer.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Heck yeah

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

It is, thankfully, but that’s about the limit of what it can do. I cut it from mid-back to my collarbone in January, and now it’s around the top of my chest. I do regret that cut tho… It’s long again !!! It’s up right now, and I love it

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

I could go on, but I’ll stick with Brendon and Sarah Urie for now. Anna Kendrick and Daisy Ridley

33. Spell your name with your chin.

jesus christ my entire family is in here teagan did i mention i hate you Once again, my mother and grandmother are in the room fuck

jhasmnerswa (James) jascer (Jace)

34.  Do you play sports? What sports?

To quote Patrick Stump, “I don’t sport.”

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV. I hardly watch it anyway. Besides, it’s all on Netflix anyway.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

All the time these last few years.  holy shit

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Nothing if I can help it.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

See #6 above.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

I don’t really have favorite stores…. i go to target a lot does that count

40. What do you want to do after high school?

No idea tbh, but kinda-ish. I want to work with kids but not teach.  I’m headed to college for ECE in the fall so uh, this answer has changed a bunch

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

I believe in second chances based on initial insult. I’m pretty forgiving, but do something bad enough and I won’t let you have that second chance (or third or seventeenth in one case).

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I’m probably zoned out, anxious, depressed, dissociating, thinking, or angry. Either way, don’t talk to me.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yes, albeit awkwardly.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Jesus Christ neither

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

I’m not sure actually

46. What are you paranoid about?

Being murdered, being broken up with, adulthood, financial stability, failing school, being too anxious to teach

47. Have you ever been high?

Nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?

See #47

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

I don’t think so?

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Quite often

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My body

53. Favourite makeup brand?

lol

54. Favourite store?

See #39

55. Favourite blog?

@kaikev 

56. Favourite colour?

Blue!

57. Favourite food?

Lo Mein with orange chicken

58. Last thing you ate?

Part of a vanilla frosted long john donut

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Jelly donut wholes

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I’ve won a couple Kahoots…. (Disney, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Africa)

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

I punched a kid in the stomach in the fourth grade and got suspended for three days

62. Been arrested? For what?

Nope, nothing

63. Ever been in love?

A few times

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

See #16

65. Are you hungry right now?

Not particularly? I might grab some leftover lo mein soon tho

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Nah, I don’t have really any tumblr friends with the exception of Elaina

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter hands down

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Both? I go on both equally

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Yupper, watching Worst Cooks in America

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Elliot, Allison, Kai, Vine, Riley, Basil

71. Craving something? What?

Lo Mein

72. What colour are your towels?

I use a white one with blue rain drops and a yellow duck for my hair, and my other is either blue, tan, or grey depending on what’s clean

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

*quietly counts* 12

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Yep

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Oh boy, 20-ish

75. Favourite animal?

Dogs

76. What colour is your underwear?

Pale pink

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Strawberry

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Katniss Everdeen green

80. What colour pants?

Brown

81. Favourite tv show?

The 100 or Timeless

82. Favourite movie?

Captain America: Civil War, Captain America: Winter Soldier, or Moana

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

See #83

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Janis Ian

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Crush

87. First person you talked to today?

My grandma

88. Last person you talked to today?

My grandma

89. Name a person you hate?

matt delli

90. Name a person you love?

Kai 

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Matt Delli or like Selena

92. In a fight with someone?

Nahh

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

1

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Six or Seven

95. Last movie you watched?

Finding Dory

96. Favourite actress?

Daisy Ridley or Anna Kendrick

97. Favourite actor?

Jensen Ackles or Bob Morley

98. Do you tan a lot?

lmao

99. Have any pets?

We have two betta fish, a frog, a leopard gecko, two cats, and a dog

100. How are you feeling?

Nothing

101. Do you type fast?

Yeah

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

y e a h

103. Can you spell well?

Yupper

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

A few

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Yeah

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yes. Never again.

108. What should you be doing?

An English project

109. Is something irritating you right now?

My mom’s presence

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

christ almighty yes

111. Do you have trust issues?

See #23

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Allison

113. What was your childhood nickname?

no

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yes! I’ve gone to or driven through Washington state, California, Wyoming, Colorado, Arizona, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Texas, Iowa, Missouri, Wisconsin, Illinois (live here), Indiana, Kentucky, Tennessee, Ohio, Michigan, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Pennsylvania, Maryland, New York, Mexico, and Haiti.

115. Do you play the Wii?

I used to

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Unfortunately no

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Yes!

118. Do you like Chinese food?

It’s my favorite

119. Favourite book?

Oh jeez this is a hard one. Probably Blood of Olympus or Deathly Hallows

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Holy shit. Deathly.

121. Are you mean?

Yeah

122. Is cheating ever okay?

On a test in a boring class off a friend who may or may not be helping you? Maybe. On a person, ever? Never.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Nope

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Kind of

125. Do you believe in true love?

No

126. Are you currently bored?

A little bit

127. What makes you happy?

Kai, reading, writing, music, Chipotle, Starbucks, The 100, Timeless, Rey

128. Would you change your name?

I already have multiple times, but right now, no, I’m content.

129. What your zodiac sign?

Cancer

130. Do you like subway?

Yeah

131. Your best friend of the opposite sex another gender likes you, what do you do?

I’m in a relationship, but we can remain friends

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

See #10

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

"I'd die for you," that's easy to sayWe have a list of people that we would takeA bullet for them, a bullet for youA bullet for everybody in this roomBut I don't seem to see many bullets coming throughSee many bullets coming throughMetaphorically, I'm the manBut literally, I don't know what I'd do"I'd live for you," and that's hard to doEven harder to say when you know it's not trueEven harder to write when you know that tonightThere were people back home who tried talking to youBut then you ignored them stillAll these questions they're for realLike "Who would you live for?","Who would you die for?"And "Would you ever kill?"

-Ride, Twenty One Pilots

134. Can you count to one million?

I could but I’m not gonna

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I lie about taking food all the time

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed and locked

137. How tall are you?

5′6

138. Curly or Straight hair?

(treating 138-139 as preferences) Curly

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Blonde

140. Summer or Winter?

Winter

141. Night or Day?

Night

142. Favourite month?

September

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Been there, done that, didn’t agree with me

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Dark or milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee

146. Was today a good day?

Meh

147. Mars or Snickers?

Mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“Stay afraid. Do it anyway. What’s important is this action. You don’t have to be confident. Just do it, and eventually the confidence will follow.” -Carrie Fisher

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Somewhat

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“Circe,” (From my journal)