#gone-inwonderlaandd

[alysswrites]

220: love after the rain

To be honest, after getting your heart broken, you can't wait to be okay. You can't wait to be whole again. But surprisingly, it's not done overnight. I mean that's impossible.

Because that would be one of your hardest times. And you're gonna endure it. So hard. Endlessly.

Sleepless nights, sad drunken eyes, bleeding heart.

You're gonna hate yourself completely. You're gonna feel you're not good enough for someone—and maybe not good enough to even breathe—to live. And it’s the worst feeling. It’s like a slow burn sensation that you’ll never know where does it really hurt you the most.

You see, all you just wanted was to end the feeling.

The pain. The memories. The flashbacks. The old you.

And in that state, it changes you. You have no idea that between that darkness and burns, your world is shifting. You are changing. Growing. You are turning into someone you never thought you could be. You’d be uncomfortable for so long and that’s okay. Your mindset, your beliefs, the way you view yourself, in love, people, everything. You will change.

And there, you will hate the thought of love. It’s like love looks like a killing knife coming onto you. And you’re the fool who’s willing to catch that sharp thing that’s willing to saw your heart back and forth. It’s like everything you thought about love is just… a mere idea. Something that never lasts. It’s like it is the only insignificant thing that you can feel. It’s like an addictive pill that you can enjoy for the longest time, but you have to let it go at some point because you can never try that again. You’ll think it’s a one-time thing.

And so, you push people away. You push the new ones, the potential lover, the people who want to help you, love you, and even the possibilities of learning and experiencing something new. You’re gonna be scared, but this time, you’re wise (but I hope I am now). You're gonna be terrified of breaking somebody else's heart. But you gotta to do it in order to see what really belongs to you.

And so, you will encounter different people with different stories. You’re gonna be a friend to them. You’d still give them love that’s left of you. But you will walk away. Because suddenly, staying doesn’t feel right anymore. You will wander for a while, do things that makes you feel alive for a moment, dive on something you never thought you could do.

And one day, you’ll look in the mirror, you’ll realize how much you’ve change.

And you will be surprise, you’d be with someone who’ve you never thought you’d end up with. A stranger you’ve never thought you’d hold now. Someone will come. Out of nowhere. A surprise.

And finally, you have someone beside you again. A home that’s already been made for you. And you’re gonna realize you’re not the first one to arrive in that place. And for a moment, you’ll feel you don’t belong there.

And you’re gonna ask yourself: Did I just build myself only to fall apart again?

But then the wind will whisper to your ear saying that you’re someone’s home too before. And that makes sense. Maybe love is always like this—a shot in the dark. You’ll never thought what it might bring back to you. Sometimes, you wont even recognize if it is love. You just gotta be there. Believe that it is love. Give it a chance. Let yourself soak in it. Have faith.

You have to tell yourself that you have to let go of your old self. You have to remind yourself that the storm had already been passed, that the rain had already been through.

So, you gotta let yourself believe again, have faith, and hope…

That love can be something new. That love can repeat itself on a different page. That love will not always be the same. That love doesn't always shine, but it will, again. That love wears a black shirt, denim pants, and the scent of warmth and a tight hug on the first date.

12:57 am 052821

[alysswrites]

364: hanggang kailan

Hanggang kailan kaya natin lolokohin sarili natin na ayos lang ang lahat? Na okay tayo? "Okay lang ako, chill lang." Hanggang kailan kaya natin gagamitin yan? Hanggang kailan kaya natin itatago ang totoo? Hanggang kailan kaya tayo maninirahan sa kabaliktaran ng katotohanan?

Kailan kaya natin matatanggap na hindi naman talaga tayo okay? Kailan kaya natin pipilitin ang sarili nating maniwala sa mga ganitong bagay?

Pero ako, uulit ulitin ko. Hanggang sa gumising akong ayos na ang lahat. Hanggang sa maging totoo ang lahat.

Okay lang ako, chill lang.

12:35 am 101921

[alysswrites]

355: waiting

Sun's up. We're in the parking lot of a mall right now, waiting for my brother in the car. And he's out for way too long. Oh wait, here he is. He bought pizza and donut lol. And we've been waiting for him for an hour. Now we're on our way to visit my inayyyy. 'Cuz its her birthday yesterday. And im really excited to be with her.

Hope we get there safely. Ciao!

11:35 am 101021

[alysswrites]

353: bsjdbsnsnx

Ang daming nangyayari. Ang dami ko nararamdaman. Namimiss ko na magsulat. Namimiss ko na tumawa. Namimiss ko na maging masaya. Namimiss ko nang mabuhay. Namimiss ko nang huminga. Namimiss ko na..

Etong pandemic na nangyayari sa atin, masyado nang maraming kinuha sa atin. Masyado nang maraming hinihila pababa. Masyado nang maraming binabawi. Parang walang katapusan. Parang hindi na natatapos. Na kahit ilang balde pa ang iiyak natin, hindi ibibigay sa atin ang gusto natin na para bang bata.

Ewan ko. Nakakapagod lang yung ganitong panahon. Nakakapagod maniwala na matatapos lahat ng 'to.

12:11 am 100821

[alysswrites]

215: to you,

Hello to you, I know it’s been less than half of the year since I met you. We still don’t know much about each of our lives. We’re still “new.” I mean there’s more to know. It’s like we’re still walking on the eggshells, carefully building each of our bricks as our foundation.

I have to be honest to you on this writing. The thing is, I’m having thoughts. It’s like I’m reflecting on my heart, my feelings, my emotions. I don’t know. I know there’s nothing to be worried about, as of now. But there’s this feeling that’s been lingering around me that you still an easy way out from this—from me. I know that I am too easy to walk away from, too easy to be left behind...too easy to be forgotten... The feeling of being the waiting area, the pitstop, the foster home before the forever home, and being the girl, you meet before finding “the one.” You know the feeling of being the bridge so you can be where you’re meant to be? That feeling sucks.

I don’t wanna be just a phase…

Maybe this is just one of the scars I have.

I know it’s been months. And it’s really a short period of time to call it real. But I wanna claim it that way. That’s why I’m having thoughts, fears, worries, and doubts about you, me, and us. I know I frequently question your love… and I’m sorry for that. I hope you don't get tired of reassuring me over and over again. I’m just having a hard time to hold onto something that’s new. I don’t know why, but I’m not like this before. I’m scared. I’m terrified to find myself in that place again.

That hopeless me.

That girl who’s quietly sobbing on her pillow with red sunken eyes in the middle of the day...

I don’t wanna find myself in that place again.

It was dark.

Lifeless.

I was alone. I have nowhere to go. But to Him. Going through a leap of faith. I have no choice but to get through that sht..

Because I used to be a believer. I have faith in people. I mean, I always do. I mean, that's me. I always see the good in people, even in the middle of the greatest hurt. No matter how they did and will do you wrong. And sometimes, I don't know when to stop.

I want to trust you. And I do.

But who am I kidding anyway? Knowing me? Being in love? Despite these words spilling all over this paper? I know—I just know in my heart that I’d still pull out every card I have. I’d still believe you. I’d still trust you. It’s just that—I’m still holding back. I’m scared. I am still.

Do you know why I know in my heart that the love I have for you will last? It’s because I love you unexpectedly. Because I have no plans of loving you from the first time you called me, even on our first video call. It just happened.

And now, I'm here.

Writing this to you.

The love I have for you is not a kind of spark, or a firework, or something that’s fleeting. It is something that keeps on growing inside me, living with me, and learning and knowing your heart and soul. I just know it is real. And I know it will last.

I know it will.

Because I don’t just love you for who you are today.

I love you for who you were, who you have been, who you are today, whoever you will be, and for whoever you could be…

But this love is not “my all.” This is not "my everything."

This love is my best.

They said that I have this aura that I can handle anything life can bring. Well fuck that. Sometimes, I still wanna be taken care of, loved, and appreciated. Yeah, maybe I can handle anything, any hurt, any pain, any wounds, and blooded paths that I could take. I just have this strong fiery eye-looking. This is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes, this face doesn’t help me at all. It’s either too strong or too transparent. But I am human. I still feel. I feel things.

All I’m saying that I can pretend all I want. I can fool you with my façade of surviving everything. But without you in my life, I could never find words that would describe that. I hate losing people. I hate losing someone who’s heart is so kind, so sincere, and so unfeigned—that I am so much afraid to drop. I never want to break you. And if I do, I want to stay.

I may never meet the old you—but I am proud of the person that you’ve become today. Your mom did an amazing job raising you. She is raising a decent and loving man.

I love you, a thousand different colors, a million stars away, even when the skies are gray, and even when your love comes to an end...

Love, I love you. Continue to be kind, humble, and compassionate in this lifetime. The world needs you.

With so much love, Janna

1:26 am 052321

Ps: it's been so long since i've written like this, wag mong icorrect ang grammar ko ngayong gabi, bukas na. labyu. HAHAHAHAHAHAH

[alysswrites]

348: almost 365

On the 365th page, it would be my last entry here. I know since day 1 that this chapter is meant to be close. One, because i may not be okay still, but i can finally tolerate this and still keep going. And two, it's because i feel like this chapter has been enough for me. This is one of the factors that healed me. It helped me survived things i never thought i could go through. All the pain, that even my body almost gave up, i still write.

Writing helped me. But this chapter needs to end.

1:36 am 100321

[alysswrites]

346: i miss writing

I write every night right before i shut my eyes. But i miss writing my heart out. I miss sitting down in front of my laptop in our dining and have deep breaths. And there, i start to pour my heart. I dont care if my grammar is not the best. All i wanted was to express the pain i was feeling. That is how i used to write. But now, writing seems like a routine for me. It feels like... nothing. It doesnt feel the same anymore.

Maybe because my heart is okay now. Maybe because someone is there for me. Maybe this pen is meant to be hidden now.

Maybe soon i need to drop this and hide it for now.

12:19 am 100121

[alysswrites]

336: it will come

It will come. I know. That's for sure. The waiting is just frustrating. My anxiety is getting worst. I hope it comes sooner.

God, please hold me tight tonight.

1:22 am 092121

[alysswrites]

330: my God-sent

I will never get tired of saying how blessed I am that God sent you to me. I am so blessed that He is giving me the chance to take care of you and love you everyday. God knows how imperfect I am, but He let you in my life. Maybe, He saw something in me that I am capable of loving you safely, truthfully, and just the way you deserve.

My love, I'm not perfect. I might screw you over and over again. I might fail you and disappoint you at times. I know for sure that at some point, I might hurt you. But please, know that you are my God-sent. You are my other half, my best friend. Thinking of losing you aches me to the core. Thinking of me breaking your heart makes me want to kill myself. "Us" won't be perfect, but I will try my very best to love you the way you deserve.

I will say this over and over again. I don't wanna lose the blessing that God trusted me with. I don't wanna lose you. I want to love you—not perfectly, but the way you deserve. Because I wanna grow with you. I wanna build life with you. I wanna spend this lifetime with you. And I appreciate you for being real with me, for loving me everyday, and for trusting me. It means a lot. I appreciate it.

My Jon, I know you will break my heart in this journey. But I don't care, we're not perfect. I know, and God knows you are worth it—that you are worth breaking my heart. And you will always be. I am hoping and praying that you will always choose to stay—in brokenness and in love.

You don't know how great you are in my eyes. You don't know how beautiful your heart is.

You are my God-sent.

All the love, J

12:22 am 091521

[alysswrites]

370: rant lang

Minsan ang hirap pala. Minsan hindi natin alam na nagiging pushover na tayo. Akala natin nagiging mabuti at understanding lang tayo. Pero minsan pala nasasanay sila. Nakakalungkot and ang uncomfy diba. Tapos kapag naramdaman mo na hindi tama na yung nangyayari, and then you you question them, tayo pa yung magkakaroon ng doubt sa sarili natin. And in the end, we'll feel bad for them.

Ewan di ko maintindihan nararamdaman ko. Di ko alam kung galit ba ko, nasasaktan, naiinis, nagtatampo, ewan. Basta parang gusto ko lang magets nila kung anong dapat nila mafeel, na deserve ko naman na maintindihan kung saan ako nanggagaling, na hindi ako basta basta nagtatampo or nagagalit. Paulit-ulit kasi. And inaakala na one sorry can resolve everything.

Parang dati, sobrang hirap kong makuha yung word na 'sorry' kasi ineexplain niya pa why he did what he did, ngayon, naka auto-sorry na. Akala ko nung una, wow finally, someone who understood what i need. Pero all along, parang nawawalan ng substance yung 'sorry.' Basta makapagsorry, magookay na lang ako.

Konting rant lang, sorry. Wala na akong mapagsabihan. I chose not to tell any of my friends.

11:46 pm 102421

[alysswrites]

368: always in all ways

You might now read this but in here I'd say over and over again how much i love you. Your imperfections, flaws, and even the smallest things you, i love everything about it. I can't think of anything to make me unlove you. There maybe times that i feel insecure, lonely, scared, and sometimes, I'm having doubts. But i just wanna say here how grateful i am for you— for your existence, for being here, and for choosing me.

Sometimes i overthink things, and i try to open it up to you but its just so hard for me to do. I hope one day i can piur my heart and soul without hesitation. Im just scared that i maybe too much for you, once i open my scars to you.

I'm scared, but with the love i have for you, i love you.

Always, in all ways.

Thanking all of the gods that sent you to me.

What a blessing.

11:12 pm 102221

[alysswrites]

367: dont know

Idk what to write. Im sad. And lonely. Still. And i cant write anything because i feel so down. Its just another lonely night. I just wanna sleep and get over this phase. I hope things will get better. I hope better things will come.

And i hope to write real soon.

Good night.

11:17 pm 102121

[alysswrites]

365: maybe he doesn't know,

Maybe he doesnt know how much i love him. Maybe he has no idea how much i adore him. Maybe he doesn't know how much i want to talk about him all day with my friends. Maybe he doesn't know. And maybe this is why sometimes, i can't reach him. He has no idea how much i appreciate him from a far. He has no idea that in everything i do, i consider his feelings. He has no idea how big my love is for him. Maybe he has no idea that it's only been him, and only him. And will always be him.

He has no idea that i secretly stare at him whenever his busy with something. He has no idea how great he is in my eyes. He has no idea how great blessing he is. He has no idea. And maybe that's why I'm sad whenever he forgets that i am still here.

Maybe he doesn't know, and so i have to swallow this hurt deep down.

10:55 pm 101921

[alysswrites]

361: naaalala ko pa

Naaalala ko pa kung paano ako gisingin tuwin alas tres ng madaljng araw para lang umiyak sa cr. Pipilitin kong huminga ng malalim, bumangon, at mag cr. Doon ko bubuksan ang gripo, para lamunin ang mga tahimik kong hikbi. Tatakpan ko ng mga palad ko ang akjng bibig. At doon lang ako luluha. Doon, hindi ko pipigilan ang pagkawala ng dibdib dahil sa bigat ng nararamdaman. Kapag kaya ko na magsalita, titingala ako, bubulong ako sa Kanya, sa langit na sana dumating na ang araw na matapos na ang sakit. Paulit ulit. Hanggang sa nasanay na lang ako. Nasanay akong tabihan yung sakit. Kinaibigan ko. Kinasama mo. Minsan ko ring inalagaan. Pero simula pa noong una, alam kong bibitawan ko ang lahat.

Kasi dumating naman ang panahon na alam ko na. Alam ko nang tapos na. Tanggap ko na. May mga gabi lang talagang nakakapagtaka kung bakit may mga luha pa rin akong naibubuga. Na para bang hindi na matapos. Na para bang napakalayo ng lahat.

Ayoko na mapunta sa ganoong pagkakataon. Nagmamakaawa amo sa mga tala na sana hindi na sa akin mangyari ang pagkaguho na yon. Hindi man ako nawala, pero siguradong may namatay sa sarili ko. Pero kung mararanasan ko 'yon, sana may kasama ako sa dilim, sa sakit, sa pagkawasak.

Kaya para sayo, hindi ko hihilingin na hindi ka magkamali o makasakit. Ang tanging hiling ko na sana masamahan mo ako sa pagkaguho't pagkawasak at ligaya't mga luha.

Mahal, samahan mo akong pagdaanan ang lahat.

11:15 pm 101521

[alysswrites]

356: :)

Galing kami kila inay for her birthday celebration. Bawal kasi maraming bisita kaya hindi pwede magsabay sabay ang pagpunta to celebrate. Ang dami kong nagawa don. Nag bike, nag yoyo, chumill sa kubo, bonding with inay, nag vball. Huhu ang saya sa probinsya bat ganon. Ang payapa. Malaya. Nakakamiss yung ganung pakiramdam. Sana humaba pa ang buhay ni inay para may reason pa akong gustuhing bumalik don lagi.

Gusto ko bilhan ng yoyo yung pinsan kong bata. Huhu tinuruan niya kasi ako ng mga tricks kanina and im surprisingly good. Im planning to buy two, para maturuan niya pa ako huhu.

But right now, sa kabila ng mga happy things that happened. Jusko, ang sakit ng lowerback ko. Di ko alam kung ano nangyayari. :(

Anyway, that's all for tonight.

12:05 am 101121

[alysswrites]

354: family

I just want my family to be well and safe and get better. We've been through a lot. And we're gonna get through this. Life is tough. But i know in my heart that we are still surrounded with the love of Above. We just have to brace ourselves and get through this. We got this. I know we do.

My heart goes to everyone who's going through a lot. We got this.

100921