#gone and saved a man's life and i think that respect grows... deeper? more personal? as a result. and regardless of how poised and composed

[the-judicial-assistants-notebook]

so obsessed with susato that i forgot that her saving holmes's life wasn't something i just made up in my head but implied by the game to have been What Actually Happened.

[softykooky]

sanctuary: seven

summary: the absence of you is a void that they never thought they’d have to experience again. they were fine before they met you. but the sky would fall before the boys would be fine after you’ve gone. 8.03k words.

genre: mafia au, ANGST, poly au

pairing: ot7 x reader

warnings (READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION) :  toxic and dysfunctional familial relationships, mentions of domestic abuse (physical and verbal), swearing, ptsd & trauma, poor mental health, mentions of anxiety & panic attacks, eating problems, alcohol abuse, abandonment issues...

rating: NC17

author’s note: okay I lied there’s going to be another part! I just couldn’t fit all that I wanted and I figured it was better to give you guys something now instead of making you wait another century for me to wrap up the story. please let me know if I forgot anyone in the taglist! please let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoy!

♡ series masterpost ♡ 

Just leave.

Just leave.

Just leave.

Like a cruel rhythm or a drum that keeps on beating in your chest to remind you of the pain that rips through your heart. 

You’re such a fool, Y/N. 

Should you blame them for growing tired of you? Even snapping at you like they did, or did you deserve it? It was so easy for you to wither back into the mindset your father had trained you to adapt at the slightest intrusion. Now, after that massacre in the kitchen with the people you trusted with your whole being, you weren’t sure if it was possible to think otherwise. 

Through the warm tears that have clouded your eyes, frantically stuffing the little belongings you have into a backpack is otherworldly difficult. Your heart hurts. Your soul hurts. Your entire being hurts and you can only wonder how many times a person can be pushed aside and unwanted until they just completely break. You wonder how close you are to that point. 

There’s anger running through your veins, cocktailed with devastation and confusion, but you’re not sure what it is you’re angry at. Were you angry at them? Could you ever be angry at them, even after they did something like this? You weren’t sure what to feel anymore, but that wasn’t important. 

There was one objective in sight: pack up and get the hell out before you let anyone else completely destroy you. 

But even then, you can’t help but to think about how they hadn’t even bothered to come after you. None of them did. And it ignites a different fire of pain that you’re finding harder to ignore. You’re halfway through shoving your shirts into the backpack when a soft voice sounds from your doorway. Jun is standing there, fiddling with her apron and warm sympathy on her face. 

“Y/N, sweetie, they’re just...maybe give them some time. Please don’t go”, Jun sighs. 

“No, Jun. They don’t want me here anymore”, your voice cracks at the realization. “I’m not going to stay and be unwanted. I won’t do it again. I-I can’t.”

When the last item is tucked into the pocket of your bag, you swing it onto your shoulder. The weight of the backpack feels as though it’s pulling you deeper into the ground. Like you are sinking and there is nothing you can do but wait until your head is submerged. 

“Jun…” you breathe out, wiping away a warm stray tear, “could you...could you tell them that I’m sorry? I-I’m not sure what for, I guess for everything. But could you just tell them?”

Jun nods solemnly, though the reluctance is clear on her expression. Even she can recognize that you have nothing to apologize for. “I will, honey. Are you sure about this?”

“I have no choice, Jun. I love them and I-” you cut yourself off. 

This is the first time you’ve been able to say it out loud. You love them. You’ve fallen in love with them and the timing could not be worse. But all in all, you consider yourself lucky. There was no way you would have recovered if you confessed and all seven of them inevitably rejected it. Perhaps this fight just saved you the great pain of knowing they cannot love you back. 

“And I need to go.” 

You’d have to leave before dinner. Through the back door.  The one that no one thinks you know about but as always, no man gives you nearly enough credit as you deserve. You’ll tell the guards you’re going out for a walk and pray they don’t question the overstuffed backpack you’re hauling. You’ll just open it and run and…

Find a new home? A new life? Find a new set of souls that will cherish and care for you and make you feel like you’re actually meant to be in this world? 

You love them. That much you know is true. And perhaps people like you weren’t meant to have love in this world. 

“You’re excused, Lee. Be grateful you’re still here.” The venom in Namjoon’s voice remains clear as day, even after your ungraceful departure from the kitchen. You had left so abruptly with so few words that they weren’t able to even try and stop you. 

They still can’t see straight through the searing anger that pulses through their entire being. Anger at the world, and the traitors, and the idiotic rookie that lost them thousands in shipments. 

But the anger at you had faded a long time ago, the moment you bolted out of the kitchen and up the stairs. However, the boys were nothing if not stubborn. Why did you have to get in the way of their business? Why couldn’t you just remain kept away, for them to keep safe and away from the dangers of the outside world?

Jimin is the first one to make a move to the staircase, up to where you were packing, trying to be stealthy until the leader catches a glance of him. 

“Jimin. Stop. Just let her cool off”, Namjoon sighs, pinching the space between his eyebrows to relieve his tension headache. He was usually the sensible one. The leader of the pack telling everyone to keep their cool. But the load on his shoulders has been getting far too heavy and you were the light breeze that caused it to collapse. 

“You should wait to calm down before you talk to her, anyway. That vein in your forehead might pop out of your skin”, Hoseok snidely remarks. 

Jimin scoffs, running a hand through his hair for the umpteenth time that day. 

“Everything we’ve been doing has been for her best interest. Why is she making this so difficult?”, he exhales, frustration still licking at every word. But with a mere glance at Jimin, anyone in the room could tell that he truly held no antipathy towards you. That his words were coming from an unresolved pool of anger that had been bubbling away for ages.

“You don’t think she means it, do you?”, Taehyung mutters, eyebrows still creased in intensity. “The leaving part?”

“Where could she go Taehyung? We’re all she has at this point”, Yoongi speaks. A layer of irony coats the room as Yoongi remembers the words he had spat at you in the heat of the moment. A vicious declaration to tell you to leave, and he feels a string of guilt twining itself around his lungs. He numbs it away, of course. As he does everything else. 

Jin takes a deep breath. “Listen, we’re all stressed and sleep-deprived. Why don’t we just calm down separately and talk it over at dinner? I’m sure by then, this whole thing will be completely forgotten.” His words sound sure and steady. Jin hopes they don’t notice the worry that bleeds into his voice. 

A chorus of agreements and hums quietly sound across the room as the seven of them shuffle out of the kitchen and slowly saunter into their respective rooms. And as they tiptoe past your bedroom, where your door was shut tight, the boys can’t help but feel the rationality that has begun to trickle back in. The logic and reason that had abandoned them during the fight had slowly returned, and the thought of you on the other side of that door made them all want to barge in and hold you again. 

Maybe they overreacted. Maybe they were wrong. Pride, however, was a stern mistress, and the potential consequences of their actions hadn’t yet reached their thoughts. They hadn’t realized the poison of their words.

 They would wait a bit longer. 

Everything would be okay after dinner. 

The first thing you realize after leaving is that you chose the wrong pair of shoes to attempt an escape on foot. Of course, you had to be wearing the new ones that the boys just bought you that hadn’t been broken in yet. The heel was digging into your skin painfully, undoubtedly leaving red marks and calluses. Your feet ached with every step, but you had to soldier on. At least until you found somewhere to rest for a bit and figure out where the hell you would go.

 A glance down at your phone has you eternally grateful for your past self for remembering to charge it. Hopefully it would last you until you found somewhere for the time being. 

There was no more family in the country besides your immediate ones. And you’d rather swallow knives than go back to that. The thought of them makes you sad though when you remember Soyeon.

 You wonder how she’s doing. The things she’s been up to. Is she shopping as much as she always does? Is she happy? Does she miss you? The train of thought makes you scoff at your own patheticism. Even after everything, you couldn’t find it in yourself to hate her. You would always love your sister. 

The Bangtan manor hadn’t been as far away from the city as you had thought. On the other hand, you weren’t exactly paying attention to the time. Just let your feet carry you where they wanted to and stared blankly at the passing ground, trying to empty your thoughts as best you could. The sky was beginning to darken and the wind blew a bit colder but you refused to let it slow your pace. You couldn’t let yourself feel. Not yet, anyway. 

The first motel you see is the one you enter. It’s not grand by any means; more of a fixer-upper. The wallpaper was peeling, the carpet reeked of age and dust, and the receptionist was chewing gum and scrolling absentmindedly on her phone. The place was a dump compared to what the likes of you tended to live in. But you had limited cash, and this would have to do. 

It takes you three times clearing your throat for her to notice that a customer was at the front desk. 

“Hello. I’d like a room with one bed, please.” 

She doesn’t hide her blatant scrutinization of you, visibly looking you up and down with something akin to disapproval. Her phone is tossed on the counter annoyedly and she snaps her gum, wheeling her chair closer to the computer and clacks away on the keyboard. 

“ID and payment, please”, she drones, holding out a hand without sparing you another glance. When she looks at the card you have placed in her palm, there is a spark of recognition. The Yoo family name. She must have seen your name in the paper or something. The ambassador’s daughter. In a place like this?

You are eternally grateful when the receptionist says nothing; just hands you back your card and dangles a key from her red-nail polished index finger. You two exchange no more words. The only sounds in the lobby are the clinking of the metal key, the padding of your footsteps on soft carpet, and the smacking of the bubblegum between her lips. But it is enough to begin to allow the loneliness in. The fear of it all. The uncertainty and utter devastation that you have left behind the one place that had just started to feel like home. 

When the door of your motel room closes, and it is just you... 

You with the clothes on your back, the necessities in your bag, and all the feelings you have kept bottled up for weeks on end. It is more than easy to collapse in a cathartic heap as soon as the lock clicks in place. 

Who cares if the walls are paper-thin? You scream it out on the undoubtedly dirty floors. The agony of being so close to happiness only to have it ripped away from your hands. The pain of knowing them, only for them to push you out of their lives. 

You don’t weep for anyone else. Not the seven boys you loved, not Soyeon, not your father, not Jun. 

You cry for Y/N. 

You cry for the realization that maybe the thing you’ve been chasing your entire life is simply not in reach. That peace was something you had to fight for, completely alone. That they don’t love you back, or even nearly as much as you loved them. If they did, you wouldn’t be here, desperately trying to hold yourself together for what seems like the billionth time. If they loved you back, well...you reckon that reality only exists in your surreal dreams. 

There were distant cousins. In the states. And if you could get a hold of them, you had faith they would be willing to fly you over. You could spin an excuse at the drop of a hat. Maybe something about wanting to see America for a while and get away from your normal routine in Seoul. Something about needing space or enjoying time with missed relatives. They’d believe it. You’ll leave as soon as you can, hopefully in the morning. 

Naturally, this night is sleepless and you swear the sky is darker than usual. It’s starless, and even the moon is nowhere to be seen, hidden behind overcast clouds and you want to cry even more. Because after everything, is it still too much to let you feel the light? Is it still too much to let you rest under a gentle nightscape? 

You make a promise to yourself. To Y/N. 

You wouldn’t let her chase after pipe dream happiness anymore. You wouldn’t let her be so naive, so hopeful for something better. You’ve had your chance at finding it, and after more bumps and bruises, have come to the conclusion that maybe it merely does not exist for you. 

You promise her a lifetime of loneliness and solitude. But those are familiar things. Comfortable things. And you would take that over a broken heart any day. 

As soon as they fell onto their respective beds, all seven of them had drifted off to sleep. It seemed that days of constant work, chugging black coffee, and pulling consecutive all-nighters had taken its toll, and the boys finally caught up to the pure, unadulterated exhaustion. 

The seven of them slept through the night, plans of dinner completely forgotten as they glued themselves to the comfortable bedding. Unfortunately, with needed rest came a clear mind and the realization that they had been completely and utterly horrible to you ever since it all went down. 

Jungkook is the first to wake up. He brushes his teeth and slips on an outfit with a rapid fervor, ready to put everything behind him and just...hold you. Because he realizes it’s been weeks since he actually has, and maybe that’s just the thing he’s been needing. To feel your frame in his arms and hear your soft breathing. 

“Taehyung! Get up!” Jungkook pounds on the door of his hyung’s room. He hears shuffling from the other side, and a rustled bedhead emerges from a dark cavern.

“What Jungkook? It’s too early for this”, he grumbles, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. 

“Hyung we all slept like the dead through dinner. I’d rather not let this whole thing with Y/N marinate for any longer. Get up and let’s talk it through, I know you miss her like crazy too.” Jungkook does his best to keep his voice down since you were still sleeping in the room beside Taehyung’s. He has to round up all of them first before asking you to come out. 

So he does. Sweeps his floor and the one above to awaken the other six men. Jin and Namjoon were the only others who were dressed and ready to tackle the day. The rest of them moved like zombies to rid themselves of the sleepy fatigue. 

Somehow, they all manage to congregate in front of your door, nervously staring it down while the tension in the air choked them. It’s unnerving. The radio silence coming from your room. You must be really upset, and reasonably so. Hoseok clears his throat, twisting his hands together out of nerves, and glances at the others. 

“Well? Should I knock?”, he whispers. The other six nod solemnly, glaring at the door like it might combust at any moment. 

He steps forward gingerly and raps on your bedroom door thrice. The seconds trickle by like molasses, even slower when there is no sound from your end.

 He knocks again.

 Nothing.

 A third time. 

Complete and utter silence. 

“Y/N?”

Hoseok’s eyebrows deeply furrow, and with trepidation, he twists the doorknob and swings it open. The bedsheets are made, duvet untouched and pillows stacked neatly against the headboard. The curtains are drawn and everything looks fairly clean. Almost as if there was no one in there in the first place. Now that he looks closer, the only sign of you being there was the vase of brown and wilting peonies on the bedside table. The ones they had gotten for you months ago. Even your scarce amount of belongings were nowhere to be found. 

In the ache of the silence, nothing can be heard but their utter shock. Their minds jumping to the worst conclusion but still in denial because there’s no way that you would do that. No way they could have lost you when they all loved you so much. 

“M-maybe she’s in the basement. Or the library. I’m sure she didn’t….she hasn’t….”, Jimin cuts himself off as he drifts off into all the terrible possibilities. Namjoon yells at the guards downstairs from the second floor, and the sounds of their rushed footsteps to find you in this giant house is the only noise that reaches their ears. 

“Jun!” Taehyung hollers down below, where she is undoubtedly fussing away in the kitchen or slaving over a boiling pot. The woman calmly emerges upstairs with a sharp gaze, head held high and shoulders stiff in her posture. There is no emotion on her face, except the faint disappointment as she stands in front of the seven men.

“Where is she?”, Yoongi growls, stepping forward like a huffing beast, but Jun remains unbothered.

“Where is who?” Jun monotones. 

“Don’t play dumb, Jun. Where is Y/N?” She scoffs at the concern dripping in Yoongi’s voice. How ironic that the very person who maliciously told you to leave was now in pieces at your absence. 

“I was surprised you even noticed. It’s not something you’ve been doing as of late. Noticing”, Jun calmly retorts. She’s never been one to be afraid of them. Never scared to stand up to them, because though they were grown men, they often still needed some mothering. 

“What the fuck does that even mean?” Jungkook spits, frustratedly gripping at his hair.

“Is it not true, boys? Y/N’s been practically invisible to you these past few weeks. Who knew it would take a mere fight to finally get you guys to pay attention to her.” Jin’s reflex is to immediately respond with an argument. But the words die on his tongue when he realizes the truth in Jun’s statement.

The seven of them stare at her in silence, still high-strung on stress and anger, but intent to listen to her words. 

“She left.”

The two words that they had been so desperate not to hear sound like a death knell when they fall from Jun’s lips. Their blood runs cold, and the temperature in the house drops to subzero. A moment frozen in time and all they can do is be forced to come to terms with their actions . The room immediately explodes into desperate questions and exclamations to their head housekeeper.

“Where is she? Did she say where she’s going”, Hoseok tearily yells.

“Did she leave a note?” Jungkook chews on his lower lip until it bleeds.

“When did she leave? She couldn’t have gotten far.” Jimin grabs Jun by the shoulders, forcing her closer as if he could look in her eyes and pretend she was lying.

“Excuse me if I am speaking out of turn, Sir”, Jun clears her throat, “but what did you think was going to happen?”

The seven of them are stunned into silence, swimming in utter confusion and worry about where in the world you could be. If you were in danger at all. 

“She’s been left by herself for weeks. In this big, cold house while you all were wrapped up in your business. Tried talking to you so many times, but you all pushed her away.” Jun sighs disappointedly.

Her words ring with truth, and perhaps that is the most painful part about it all. The boys can’t do anything but stand there and listen. You were dear to Jun, and she wouldn’t let the fear of standing up to her intimidating bosses keep her from saying the things you didn’t have the courage to. 

“Y/N, she...she’s been struggling. Did she tell you that? Wouldn’t sleep for days, so I sometimes snuck melatonin into her afternoon tea. But still, she’d come out of that bedroom with dark circles that almost looked painful. I’m surprised you didn’t hear her toss and turn all night, Taehyung.” Jun spares him a glance. Not malicious or accusing. Just genuine curiosity and it makes Taehyung want to burrow himself into the ground. 

Namjoon’s heart drops as Jun continues speaking. How could they have been so oblivious to everything? So out of touch and wrapped up in other priorities that they seemed to completely forget about you? Arguably the most important person in their life. 

“Sometimes, she even refused to eat. Couldn’t even stomach a cup of soup, and she’s gotten so thin, I had to tailor all her clothes.” 

Jin’s eyes widen at the statement, his throat in knots and the sinking feeling in his gut only magnifying. Like ice water to warm skin. That’s how Jun’s words felt to their system. Like they had been so blind this entire time, so distracted by everything else that they forgot someone who had become one of the most important people to them. 

“Forgive me for speaking my truth, sir. But I’ve never quite felt such disappointment when I heard the things you said to Y/N yesterday. A-And I don’t condone her decision to leave. But can you blame her?” Jun sighs, exasperated as her worry for you seeps into her consciousness. 

Jimin pushes away the tears that have clouded his eyes, looking down at the marble floors so that no one sees the gloss that wasn’t there before Jun started speaking. He pretends not to notice the way Jungkook’s tremulous and shaky breathing, or the way Yoongi’s fisted hands have turned completely white from the tension. All he can think about...all they can think about...is you. 

Hoseok coughs, clearing his throat and steeling his voice to not show emotion. “Did she tell you where she was going?”

Jun shakes her head solemnly, twisting her apron in her hands. The boys begin to make their way downstairs, tension in the air thicker than ever and only one priority clear in their minds.

“However…”, Jun’s small voice stops them in their concentrated footsteps. “While she was packing, she told me to say one thing to you all.”

It’s expectant. They almost don’t want to hear it at all. Hearing it would affirm that they are completely undeserving of you. That you are an angel among beasts whose love language is to destroy and wreck. That maybe leaving them would be the best thing to happen to you. 

“She told me to tell you she’s sorry. For everything.”

Everything is what you deserved. Everything is what they would do to prove that to you. 

Korea from the view of your aunt’s private jet was a bittersweet revelation. It was beautiful. So achingly and hauntingly beautiful with the ghosts of your past and the shattered promises for the future. If you squint, you could still make out remnants of the Han River. Traces of a place that seemed to cry for you as you left for the states.

You didn’t want to be truthful to yourself. You didn’t want to admit that you wouldn’t miss Korea because of the people or the landscape or the weather. You’d miss it because they were there. That home had been so close you could nearly taste it. 

The trip was a chaotic blur. You faded in and out of sleep, in a hypnotic trance that proved to be your body’s self-defense mechanism to repress every emotion you had felt since you left. Stewardesses offering you flutes of champagne, drivers loading and unloading your luggage, the words of everyone around you flowing in and out like a stream of water that you ignored. 

“I trust everything is to your satisfaction, Y/N? Really, you must come visit more often. Your uncle and I have missed you terribly.” 

Your aunt had always been a kind woman. She was from your mother’s side, and like everyone else, so oblivious to the true nature of the Yoo family. How sinister things truly were behind those closed, gold-plated doors. Their house was grand, large enough so that you could make yourself scarce and wouldn’t be a disturbance. Though you couldn’t help but to notice the lack of boyish voices drifting down the hall, or the rhythm of Taehyung’s hands on the keyboard in the room next to you. 

You offer a kind smile to the butler, who gently sets your singular backpack on the plush bed that screamed out your name. 

“Thank you so much for everything, Aunt Kim. I promise I’ll transfer over the money for the plane fees and carry my weight around here for the time being.” 

Your words make you nearly wince with the uncertainty of your wobbly plans. Where would you even get the money? Ask your father? Ask them? 

“I....I promise to be out of your hair as quickly as I can”, you shakily breathe, failing to convince yourself. Yet your aunt only holds a kind smile and a warm gaze.

“Stay as long as you want, dear. It’s the least we could do to repay everything your family has done for us over the years. Especially your father.”

You know you cannot blame her oblivion. Not when it is such a well-guarded secret. Yet her words douse kerosene to the fire in your chest. Tugs at the stitches of the subconscious wounds you have yet to heal. It makes you remember them. Your boys. How they would burn at hearing such words, grit their teeths and spit poison at anyone who held your father’s name in a high regard.

Or would they? After everything, you’re not so sure anymore. Painful or not, it makes you miss them even more. 

So you smile. Bite your tongue, hold your fists at your side, and thank her again for the kindness she has shown you when you had nowhere else to run. America felt different. The air itself seemed like a culture shock. Being the ambassador’s daughter had prepared you for fluency in English and how to carry yourself diplomatically, but the journey ahead was bound to be rough. 

For the first time in your life, you would be the only one you had to care for. Not Soyeon, not your mother, not Bangtan. You’d have to do this by yourself, now, and though all the emotions you have locked away will inevitably return to confront you, this sanctuary for now would have to be enough.

You were surprisingly more difficult to find than the boys had expected. Traveling alone with no clunky belongings meant you were able to move more quickly than they had anticipated and the motel you stayed at was paid for in all cash. However, nothing in the city could really happen under Bangtan’s watch, and here you were. Video footage displayed on the screen of their basement office, and they can only feel heartache as they watch you through the screen. 

“She checked out in the morning. Got picked up by a gray SUV and taken to the airport.” Taehyung drones, eyes still glued to the screen. Like looking at your pixelated face would bring you closer to him somehow. He missed you. They all did. 

“The plane’s not registered with any public company, so I’m guessing it’s a private one belonging to her family.” Taehyung adds on, leaning forward in his chair to rest his elbows on the table. The air was tense with frustration. Anger at themselves and at each other for letting his happen. For making you run away. 

“Any idea where it’s going?” Yoongi quietly murmurs from the end of the long table. 

“America.” 

America. You felt so discouraged and hurt by them that you had to go all the way to America. They did this. This is their fault.

“So? What are we waiting for? Tell the guards to prep the jet to America. We’ll bring her back”, Jimin gawks at Namjoon, who nurses a glass of scotch like it’s his lifeline. The room falls silent awaiting their leader’s course of action, but the six of them are left speechless when Namjoon himself starts laughing. The kind of laugh that sends chills down their spines. So raucous yet emotionless. So full of hidden pain. Namjoon tips the rest of the glass down his throat, looking at them all with a hopeless expression. 

“What makes you think she wants to see us? After what we put her through? Hell, I’d be surprised if she lets us within a 10 foot radius.” Namjoon’s words are cruel, but they can’t help but to believe it to be true. 

“N-No. She’ll understand that we were stressed. I-If we just explain everything, I’m sure she’ll-”

“Don’t you remember what happened in the kitchen? What Jun said? She’s been withering away for weeks, Jimin, and none of us gave enough of a fuck to notice. We made her feel invisible.” Namjoon chuckles, but there is only pain in his tone. One that he drowns out with another swig of top-shelf whiskey. 

“We can fix it. We can go to America and fix it”, Hoseok stares down the leader, insistent on making efforts. 

“No we can’t Hoseok”, Jin’s brows furrow, eyes lighting with fire, “Jun said she didn’t sleep. She didn’t eat. I wouldn’t take us back either.” 

The boys know better than to take it personally. They were all heartbroken in the wake of your leaving, so desperate to get to you yet ashamed of themselves, apprehensive of if they even have the right to chase after you. 

Jungkook leaps up from his seat, chest huffing and hands raking violently through his hair. He paces back and forth, eyes swimming in hurt and frustration until it all seemed to combust through his body, flinging his office chair to the side to find any form of catharsis. 

He spares a poisoned glance over to Yoongi’s direction, who still sits with his eyes glued to the floor, as if ashamed of his mere existence. 

“You.” The malice in Jungkook’s voice is crystal clear.Yoongi’s shirt collar is acquaintanced with Jungkook’s fisted hand, and he grips onto the older man like a viper to its prey. As if blunt force could make you come back. The other five boys could only watch. 

“You did this. You told her to leave. Now she’s gone. I loved her, Yoongi.” Though Jungkook’s words are pumped with antipathy, the sheer devastation is heard most through it all. Yoongi doesn’t fight back. Doesn’t even make a move to push the younger off or shield himself from oncoming hits. Just sits passively with a monotone expression, staring into Jungkook’s eyes with a blank gaze.

“You’re not faultless. You yelled at her too.” 

No, none of them are faultless. And perhaps Yoongi’s words were the nails in the coffin, but they all had part in pushing you to that brink. Jungkook’s eyes gloss over with defeat, and the grip he had on Yoongi’s shirt loosens. He steps away, unable to meet any of the gazes of his older brothers or the footage of your distressed face on the flat screen monitor. Leave. That’s all he’s known to do.

“Jungkook?” Yoongi holds no anger in his voice. It stops Jungkook in his tracks as he waits for his hyung to finish. 

“I loved her too. We all do.”

They can only pray they’ll get to tell you. 

The diner two blocks away from your aunt’s apartment complex is the last place anyone would expect Ambassador Yoo’s eldest daughter to be, much less employed at. You had spent the last two weeks scouring the area for a place that would take a girl with no prior work experience, a pending student visa, and no contacts or references. But here you were, working a minimum wage job and saving every penny to make something of yourself in this entirely new country. 

It hasn’t been easy. Trying not to think about the seven boys that you left back home. The seven boys that you love so desperately and hopelessly, and foolishly thought they felt the same. It’s in the wee hours of the night that you toss and turn, closing your eyes and imagine yourself back at their manor. You will your brain to manifest the clacking sounds of Taehyung’s keyboard from across the wall or the footsteps of Yoongi’s bulky shoes when he walks past your door every night. 

You miss them compulsively so. And perhaps they do not deserve your thoughts or heartache, but it belongs to them. Even after everything, you still belong to them. But you won’t give yourself the luxury of thinking you mean more than someone who they took pity on. 

The days are the same. You get up early in the morning, put on a pot of coffee by yourself much to the disapproval of the housekeeper. Though it’s baby steps, you feel more independent this way. The coffee is terrible, of course, but it’s the thought that counts. 

You leave before your aunt even leaves her bedroom, dedicated to your full-time job and earning money whenever you can. The pay is almost humorous, and a week’s worth of your labor probably equates to what Soyeon spends in a day. But it is your work. Your money. And though everyday starts and ends with heartache and longing for a life you once had in your grasp, it feels refreshing to learn to only need yourself. 

“Y/N”, your manager sighs as you stumble through the door with frazzled hair and painfully dark under eyes. “You’re late.”

“I know, I know, I’m so sorry. Traffic was insane this morning. It won’t happen again.” Your hair is expertly swept back into a haphazard bun, fiddling with the apron around your waist before jumping to the orders that have begun to get cold on the counter. 

The work was simple. Slow. But it was honest and enough for you. The diner was calm; a refreshing environment from the one you had in Korea. 

“Here you are, sir. Black coffee and a side of toast”, you muttered in a sugary sweet voice, fake smile stretched on your face to hide the perpetual pain in your chest that has not went away since you left the Bangtan house. It’s easier these days to just not think about it. To completely repress the trauma of your father and the boys and the failed therapy. The smile drops as soon as you turn around to walk back to the counter. 

“Rough morning?” Lina’s voice is gravelly, rough from the coffee and 15-minute smoke breaks she takes every lunch. 

“Something like that.” You collapse onto the cashier counter, holding your head in your hands to will away the pounding ache of your temples. 

“First it was me completely sleeping through the morning alarm. Then it was the bus detouring and making five extra stops they usually don’t”, you huff.

“Y/N?”

“And don’t get me started on the fact that I decided to drop my phone in a puddle when I was running here.”

“Y/N.” Lina’s voice cuts through your venting monologue. She stares past you, as if there was something behind you captivating her attention. 

“I think someone is staring at us from across the street.” Your brows furror at her words, whipping around to the window. When you see him. The air in the diner thins until it completely disappears, and the breath is stolen from your lungs. 

Your paled face and shaking hands is what he sees from where he’s standing, clad in a black hoodie that covered his head, but you could recognize him in your sleep.You are both frozen in time and chaos, staring at each other like you both did not belong. Eyes glued to the other like you are both too good to be true.

 Are you imagining it? Through the tears that reflexively pooled in your eyes and the way your body quivers, are you finally going insane and imagining a person who has been plaguing your mind for weeks? 

Your feet carry you into action when your mind is still stuck in shellshock, bursting out of the diner doors with desperation on your tongue, hands reaching out as if it would span across the streetlight and bring him closer. 

“Jin?” You are not quiet. You scream his name across what feels like a chasm, but is only just a couple meters away. Your legs usher you into the open street, and cars veer and honk to avoid your form, frozen on the crosswalk. 

It takes you one second to blink and him one second to disappear into the crowd. Like he was never there at all and your mind was playing cruel, evil tricks on your already crumbling soul. A ruse that Lina was in on, just to torture your decimated spirit. 

Could you allow yourself the luxury to think that he had come to see you? You didn’t know if you even wanted him to, didn’t know if you had it in you to forgive and forget.

“Jin.” 

It comes out as a shaky whisper under your breath. A broken voice that longs for something she cannot have. Something that was so far in space and time it now felt like a figment of your imagination. You allow a tear to fall, your heart to crack a bit more, and return to the diner.

“Where have you been running off to these days?” The words are snide. Coated in feigned concern and curiosity and meant to be a jab at Jin’s recent absence in Bangtan activities. They are easy to fall from Yoongi’s lips as he steals another swig of the McKellan whiskey he’s been saving up for a special occasion or a rainy day. What more fitting than to mourn the space in his heart where you used to be. 

Jin stays silent, only giving the intoxicated Yoongi a heavy eye roll and trudging past him. To say that the seven men were in terrible shape after your departure is a gross understatement. But Yoongi’s onset alcoholism seemed mild compared to how the rest of the boys were faring.

Both Taehyung and Jungkook haven’t left their rooms since finding out you were in America, only the sounds of their computer keys, heavy footsteps, and the empty food plates left at their doors to signal that they were alive in there. Namjoon had thrown himself into work, picking up the slack of all the other boys and sometimes emerging from his office at the early hours of dawn looking like he hasn’t slept in a week. His gaunty face and the way his once fitted shirt now falls loosely on his shoulders tells Jin he hasn’t eaten much either. 

Hoseok could more often than not be found in the training room, breaking and bruising himself to numb him from the pain of losing you. He takes it out on the poor gang recruits that were unlucky enough to be chosen to spar with him. 

And Jin? Well, Jin spent his days away from the house. Away from the business and the drugs and the people. He never tells anyone where he’s going or when he’s coming back and they are all too drained to try to ask. The boys live together but not truly. Just exist and breathe in the same space and too resentful of themselves and the others to fix the fragments you left behind. They miss you. Long for you and burn for you like they never have for anyone else. 

See, it’s one thing to not know where you are and be forced to be away from you on the basis of ignorance. But to know your exact location, have the time and resources to easily get to you, yet can’t come to you because they’ve hurt you immeasurably is a different kind of torture. A different kind of ache that haunts their souls at every waking moment. You are so close and so far away, and they only have themselves to blame for the distance. 

“Jun, can you make a meal for Namjoon? I’ll take it up to him.” Jin sighs to the housekeeper, shedding off his coat on the kitchen stool. 

Jun nods knowingly, fully aware of the effects your absence has had on the masters of the house. And she is not blind to Jin’s indifference or the way he is doing worlds better than the others. 

“He’ll probably try to yell at me and make you go away first. But he’ll be thankful eventually.” Jin nurses a cup of tea to warm him after his journey. Ones that he takes every week and for days at a time. 

Jun nods again, assembling a tray of food that Namjoon will undoubtedly leave to get cold either at his door or the end of his desk. Before he leaves, however, Jun spares the man a knowing glance and a sad smile. 

“You may want to return the private jet more promptly next time, sir. The others have gotten...wary.” 

Jin’s eyes widen at her words, frozen for a millisecond in his footsteps as realization strikes in that he hadn’t been as inconspicuous as he thought. He says nothing as he departs from the kitchen. Only stares at the marble floor and wonders what would be the next time he’d get to see you. Even if from a street’s distance. 

It takes four syncopated knocks before semblance of a noise emerges from behind Namjoon’s closed door. It comes in the form of an angered grunt, but Jin is no stranger to his leader’s brunt. He opens the door with no further permission. 

Namjoon is in worse shape than he had expected. His hair is another level of unruly, greasy and matted and looking like the man ran his hands through it a billion times. The paperwork strewn across his desk and floor reflects the mess in Namjoon’s own head. Like he is suffocating himself in his work but still finds breath in his lungs. Still finds you in his thoughts. 

“You need to eat”, Jin states demandingly. Namjoon only hums in response, keeping his eyes glued to the work in front of him. Jin pushes the tray into his line of vision.

“Eat, Joon. You can’t work if you starve. Y/N would want you to eat.” 

Your name makes his pen stop writing. Makes his eyes widen like he hasn’t heard it said aloud in ages. It’s pathetic to Namjoon, really. How much one person has affected him.

“How would you know what Y/N wants, Jin? How would any of us?” He sneers, resuming the scribbling on his paper. Jin sighs dejectedly, opting to leave the food on his table and not be bothered with trying to help someone who so clearly didn’t want to be helped. He turns around to leave. Until Namjoon opens his mouth again. 

“Unless….”, he teeters, “you do know what she wants.” He tosses the pen and papers aside, crossing his arms and sitting back in the desk chair. 

“Unless you’ve been going behind our backs to see her.”

Had he been turned around facing Namjoon, the younger would have seen the clear exposed truth on his face. The blatant and unhidden look of guilt and shame that he quickly masks once he whips to face Namjoon. 

“What are you talking about?” 

The responding statement is quick. Too quick. Too accosting. Namjoon squints his eyes. 

“Only the several days these past weeks you’ve disappeared from Bangtan’s radar. The bills for the jet fuel sent to my directory. The pilots you’ve been pulling away from our forces in Korea to personally tend to whatever shady business you’ve been hiding under my nose.” 

Namjoon’s words are rapid fire, piercing into the facade that Jin thought he had so carefully crafted. He should’ve known nothing goes unnoticed under the leader’s eye. 

“Namjoon, I-”

“Just be glad I didn’t tell the others. Especially Jungkook.” The thought of the youngest makes him sigh. Jungkook has always been so volatile. A ticking, emotionally-charged and codependent time bomb hiding under that muscle and masculinity. Namjoon knew better than to expose something like this just yet.

When he looks up at the man standing in the doorway of his office, he’s looking straight past him. Through the window like it was you he saw in the sky. Observing him now, up close and with more attention, Namjoon finally gets to truly see him. 

On the surface, Jin is faring worlds better than any of them. He’s clean and freshly showered, hair coiffed to perfection like it usually is. He dons a black button up; perfectly ironed without a crease in sight. But Namjoon knows him better than that. Jin looks so utterly drained it stirs sympathy in even the darkest of hearts. His eyes communicate something his words can’t: Seokjin is completely lost without your light. 

“I’m sorry.” The words come out breathily. Like he’s been waiting to say it all this time but couldn’t. 

“I just…”, he stares down at his hands, “I just needed to see her. See if she was doing alright after we…” Jin trails off, not able to face the truth of their actions just yet. And though there is lingering anger in Namjoon, he can’t help but to feel his distress vicariously. 

“You know, she’s a waitress now. At this small, run-down diner downtown. With a cute little apron and everything”, he chuckles softly, sadness seeping in every word. 

“She lives with her aunt and uncle, and walks everywhere because she doesn’t have a car, at unholy hours of the night which keeps me up every night constantly worrying about her. But that’s Y/N, isn’t it? So careless of her own safety and well-being.” 

Namjoon refrains the smile that creeps on his face at the thought of you. 

“She was smiling when I saw her. I could still see she was sad but she was smiling. Like she always does just so other people feel happier around her.”

“Jin, you don’t have to-”

“And she’s lost so much weight, Namjoon. She was trying to yell out for help and all we did was ignore her.”

Jin’s words are nails on a chalkboard. Vinegar in wine. It makes them both nauseous and rueful, and the oxygen in Namjoon’s office suddenly becomes all too suffocating. Your presence, or lack thereof, has left a heavy residue on the walls of the manor. 

The two boys sit in silence for a moment, before the sound of thumping boots on hardwood flooring echoes down the hallway, getting louder as it approaches the office. The door is nearly taken off its hinges as it violently swings open. Taehyung stands in the threshold, sweat on his brow and chest huffing up and down like an overexerted engine. He is pale in the face, hands trembling at his side and the sheer shock in his gaze tells the two older men that the words preparing to slip from his tongue are not going to be pleasant. Jin and Namjoon brace themselves for impact. 

“It’s Y/N”, his whispered voice quivers. Their hearts drop. 

“There’s been an accident.” 

taglist:  @pinkyhim​, @deolly​, @loveyoongles​, @drunkzseok​, @hope122598​, @uwunamjoon​, @nomimits7​, @bubblebunnylia​, @aquaalanah​, @juliie-ocha, @daydreambrliever​, @btsbabby​, @blank-et-noir, @myheartstaysinkorea, @rosiethefairy​, @tiredjedi, @lovemyself-persona​, @jeoncookie-bts​, @annoyingpessimist​, @beach-bitch-bitch-beach​, @fangirling-all-the-way-tbh, @btstxtgenre, @taesugaar​, @hxsxxk-180294​, @bubbletae7​, @uglyratlmao​, @hopetookmysoul​, @supertweetycherry​, @missseoulite​, @barbikatherine​, @jamesfrickingbuchananbarnes​, @sunsetsnsirens-blog​, @vanilla-smash​, @lmaosani​, @onionhaseyeo​, @i-dumb-bitch, @euphxriajoon​, @justpeachyjoon​, @dabbingangels​, @h5naaa​, @parkmaeri, @softescapism​, @bena-baby, @myjiminmychimchim, @moments-of-melancholy​, @krystle1990​, @chatsgotmytongue​, @vi-hoshi​, @unlikelylittlemiss​, @rosey-roseau, @thestrugglesofateenagedirtbag​, @kookiebbyxx​, @thebleuprince​, @dreamer95​, @jinana-iactium​, @holaaaf​, @small-babycat, @h0bi-c0re​, @katbonv​, @embrace-themagic​, @jiminmochee​, @fanoffandomss​, @mwitsmejk​, @mrsfortune1306​, @raadia​, @kookima​, @bonesfordayss​, @dinoboysindahouse​, @jiminie-lovely​, @queenceline22​, @jikooksgirl19​, @somewhereinthestarss​, @kookieskiwi​, @lynnfanficreblogs​, @vintageroses10​,

[urupotter]

So while I've said before that I don't like the HP subreddit, I still frequent it because occasionally I read something insightful. This is one such case, where I read a reading of Lupin that I'd never seen before in response to a comment of mine analyzing the shrieking shack confrontation between Snape, Remus, Sirius and the golden trio, where I mentioned that Lupin was a gaslighter so I wanted to share. It was created by reddit user u/UsuallySiSometimesNo and is posted here with his permission. We had a little conversation in the comments. Read it under the cut

UsuallySiSometimesNo: That struck a cord with me, too. I didn't think about that on a conscious level before, but when I read it, it felt instantly true.

Honestly, I think the strongest examples of Lupin gaslighting are actually done to himself. The biggest, character-defining example, I think, is that after finding friendship with James, Sirius, and Peter, he becomes so desperate not to be ostracized from them (due to his issues of self-worth and his personal brand of impostor syndrome) that he deliberately and routinely feeds himself false narratives about their behavior until he can no longer tell fact from fiction, even as he's experiencing it.

Their relentless bullying of Snape? A childhood rivalry.

Their casual bullying of other students? Kids being young and stupid.

Their clear disinterest verging on contempt for Peter, someone less fortunate and vulnerable with whom they're supposed to be good friends? Just mates being mates.

Even actions taken against Lupin, himself, are revised in his memory to be 'no big deal', because he desperately needs that to be true. Let's pretend for a moment that Snape indisputably deserved to be slaughtered by a werewolf the night Sirius told him how to get past the Whomping Willow. Sirius did not send Snape to be killed by any old werewolf. What happened that night was that Sirius - one of Remus' best friends, if not his actual best friend - attempted to use Remus' curse/illness against someone (which is a big enough betrayal on it's own) without ever telling Remus that when he woke up in the morning (covered in blood and in the presence of a shredded corpse) it would be to find that he had committed the act he was most petrified he might one day commit. In setting Snape up to be killed by Lupin, Sirius, at the very least, risked Lupin's sanity, and, at the very most, risked Lupin being sentenced to death.

Now, I understand that Sirius wasn't thinking about all of that when he did what he did, and I, as a someone removed from the situation (and armed with the additional character/situational knowledge granted to a reader) can even understand why Sirius' own trauma led him to grant such a blind death sentence to Snape (which I think is related to a point you made elsewhere, u/Adventure_Time_Snail, about Sirius' "violence towards those who trigger his fundamental fear of wizard fascists" because of his abusive upbringing). But Lupin's perspective is not one of an unbiased observer. And once James found out what was happening and pulled Snape back before it was too late (which, I would think, was more to save Lupin than to save Snape) and once Remus awoke the next to day to discover everything that transpired the night before, I find it hard to believe there wasn't at least some conversation about the true gravity of the situation. And yet, even all these years later, Lupin doesn't bat an eye when Sirius not only doesn't display shame when the event is mentioned in POA, but offers something akin to regret, NOT at the fact that his actions could have gotten Lupin killed, but that that they DIDN'T get Snape killed: "It served him right...", he sneered. etc. etc.

I think the obvious question here, is 'Even disregarding what Sirius did to Snape - how can Lupin be okay with the knowledge that Sirius has no regret, at all, for what he did to him, even now that they're adults?' Well, we're not in Lupin's point of view in the books, which means we can't hear his internal monologue, but I think a satisfactory answer to the question is that he's done a substantial amount of internal gymnastics in order to get to a point where he doesn't see this as a big deal, or even as something that he has a right to be upset about.... just like a gaslighter does to their victim.

Again, because we're not in Lupin's POV, we can't point to the exact instances that such internal gaslighting took place, but, based on what we do observe from Harry's POV (and based on external knowledge of gaslighting as a true-to-life concept) I wouldn't be surprised if Lupin so desperately needs everything to be okay that he derides himself for feeling bad or betrayed, that he calls himself stupid for thinking terrible things that have happened to him are a big deal, that he wars with himself about how people who are his friends and who are so good to him and who are better friends than he thinks he deserves could possibly do something to harm him/others, and that he beats down whatever emotions and senses and gut feelings he has that tells him something his friends have done might be very wrong. What we see in the books is a man who makes excuses for his friends and harbors a warped perception of reality in much the same way victims of gaslighting do, and he seems to exploit his own insecurities in order to instill doubt in his own experiences in much the same way perpetrators of gaslighting do.

I can't help but think that, by the time Lupin tells Harry that Snape harbors a particularly strong hatred for James because James was a better Quidditch player, Lupin has become so adept at gaslighting himself that he actually believes it.

tl;dr: One of Lupin's defining characteristics is that he gaslights himself out of a desperate need to be liked by others, since he has a difficult time liking himself and seems to believe all of his relationships are incredibly fragile.

Urupotter:

This is a fascinating reading on Lupin that I've never seen. I don't read him the same way, in that I think Lupin actually does know that what he's doing is wrong, he just doesn't have the moral courage to act on his conscience. (I view him as the anti Snape, great conscience, but abysmal moral courage, while Snape had unbelievable moral courage but a shitty conscience. Their arcs are about growing their moral courage and their conscience respectively) Realizing that his negligence almost got Harry killed is what triggers his arc, concluding when he goes back to Tonks and Teddy after running away, taking responsibility for his actions for the first time.

But this reading is so interesting that I'll have to reflect on it. Do you mind if I post it on my Harry Potter tumblr blog? I'll credit you of course, I would just like to discuss it with my followers. Of course if you don't want to I won't.

UsuallySiSometimesNo:

Honestly, I think the lack of in-depth conversation about Remus Lupin (at least compared to fan favorites Sirius Black and Severus Snape) is a missed opportunity and a shame. Don't get me wrong, I can discuss Sirius and Snape until blue in the face, but Lupin's arc is just as powerful in an understated (and often underestimated) way. The muddy, oversimplified truth is, without the fatal-flaw decision making of all four Marauders throughout their lives, the series of events proceeding the first chapter of the first book don't happen, and the story we all know and love never comes to be.

And speaking of sparking a discussion about Lupin...

I think Lupin actually does know that what he's doing is wrong, he just doesn't have the moral courage to act on his conscience.

You know what? I agree. And that's what makes him so interesting, I think. He is constantly and dependably full to bursting with internal conflict. When his friends are wrong/do something wrong/say something wrong, he can and does immediately identify the situation as wrong. When he does something wrong, or when he does nothing in the face of something wrong, in that moment I believe he knows the full weight of the situation. Like you said, he has a strong conscience, as well as a deeper, perhaps more nuanced understanding of right and wrong than do, for example, James and Sirius. Now, Lupin needs his friends. They're not just people to hang out with, they're a lifeline for him. He's not going to engage in conflict with them if there is even the slightest chance that he might lose them (for a variety of reasons, he lacks, as you said, the moral courage to do so). But he's also a generally decent human being, and with a strong conscience comes the capacity for sincere guilt and remorse. So, not only will he not confront his friends, he needs it to be okay that he doesn't confront them. And it's at that point that I think the self gaslighting is triggered.

But Lupin is intelligent and nobody's fool, so the gaslighting creates only a thin layer of ice over the problem. Just enough of a cover that he can live with the things he would otherwise deeply regret. I do think he believes the alternative reality he makes for himself to be accurate as long as it isn't really challenged. Crack the ice, though, and we see him express remorse and reveal an underlying awareness of past and present truths. But then the moment is over, and the war between the uncomfortably and full weight of the truth and his need for the companionship of his friends returns, and then the gaslighting begins again, allowing him an easier return to his closest friends (and eventually his closest friend, singular, after the others have been taken from him as was his fear all along) without conflict and with minimal strain on his conscience.

Once Sirius, the last of his original chosen family is gone - truly gone, as opposed to 'located elsewhere' as he was when in prison - following OOtP, suddenly Lupin's arc takes off at a greater speed than at any point prior. He's now literally lost all of the people he'd been terrified of figuratively losing. Although there are still people and things he cares about, he isn't as dependent on any of them as he was on those foundational friendships, and the finality of their absence allows him to finally grow beyond his stifling cycle of reality shifting, confront the truths of his reality and his circumstances, and, as you said, finally take responsibility by returning to Tonks and Teddy - a decision that, ultimately, triggers his death (I don't mean to imply that it was a bad decision or that it's the sole cause of his death, but Rowling has said that being 'out of practice' contributed to his loss at the Battle of Hogwarts, which makes for a fantastic tragedy).

I don't mean to overstate the importance of this theory or imply that it's always present when he's on-stage, and, as with anyone, many other elements, of course, factor into his actions/words/motives. But I think it's a fascinating potential component of his character all the same. If you have more thoughts on this, I love to hear them - and I look forward to reading the discussion on your blog!

So what do you think? Is this a valid reading of Lupin? I'd say it is, but I'm interested in reading my followers thoughts!

[onigiri-dorkk]

Y’all I think about RivaMika so often

I was a huge Petra x Levi fan for god knows how long, and used to be so distraught about how she was dead and gone. I’ve always loved Mikasa and Levi separately, and always has this lingering thought that they’d be pretty foineeee together but I never fully understood where Isa was going with the Ackerman clan connection (so to be safe, I disregarded any positive feelings I had about them as a ship).

It wasn’t until the last chapters, which revealed Levi and Mikasa to be alive and well after the war, and after defeating and killing E together in the end, and after a whole time skip where Mikasa is a grown ass woman and Levi is a grown as man that I was like… wait… hold up? You’re telling me they’re both alive and well? And both of them can finally live normal lives post-war? And they’ve gone through the world and back? These two people, who deserve all the damn happiness in the world??

And that’s when it clicked for me, all the reasons why I love RivaMika now, and the potential it had all along. Their dynamic and their will to literally fight for those they love. Both being seen as humanity’s strongest, meaning they both understand each others strength in ways no one else can. They never worried about the other keeping up with them because they both were so equally with each other. Mikasa stuck by his side through all their missions together, even when the others started to doubting his character and leadership. And he never once doubted Mikasa. In fact, she has always seemed special to him; he always had a natural soft spot for Mikasa and what she thinks. Everyone sees Mikasa for her combat skills but he was one of the only characters who really tried to listen to her words/reactions/emotions. For gods sake, Mikasa is the only woman comrade of Levi’s who stayed alive with him through all his battles; and there were many battles. He’s treated her like an equal from the beginning, and they’ve always had a mutual respect and implied admiration of each other. There was nothing ever established that Levi and Mikasa were closely related at all; in fact there were more clarifications by Isa that they were not!

Then I got deeper in the damn rabbit hole of potential for RivaMika. All of their parallels. The “I’m with you” to “Stay with me.” The side glances at each other and the personalities that create the best tensions and attractions.

Mikasa being obsessed with E, then having to kill him in the end; literally having to let go of her love for E that was never healthy for her. She can now move on and find a love that is healthy, with a partner who loves and respects her and treats her exactly how she deserves to be treated by someone she can grow to love, but also someone challenges her to be exactly who she is and more. Someone who sees her strengths and is never afraid of it, but wants to fan the flame. Levi is exactly that for her, romantic or not. That man values her not just a few levels better than E did, but in a whole other way that is by nature good.

Then Levi. Oh, Levi. The man who has been through hell and back, and has lost so many loved ones on the way. He has given so much of himself for the sake of others, for the sake of humanity, and has seen so many people give up their lives along the way. This man is hurt and tortured, but he still fights for the future. Battle after battle after battle, so many people are gone — but then Mikasa, sweet beautiful Mikasa, is there with him in the end. In the final battle she tended to him while he was hurt, she saved him, and she fought alongside him — just the two of them — to finally finally finally claim victory for what he had been fighting for all this time. And she does it. And because she does, now they can rest. For once in his life, he didn’t have to be the one delivering the final blow. And oh my GOD, the glimmer in his eyes returning when Mikasa told him to help her win, after he lost all his purpose after he killed Zeke. He must’ve thought Mikasa was fucking amazing.

Then the time skip. Levi is able to have a home and all the damn tea he can possibly want. Mikasa is also able to have a home and live a life of peace. Both have been through so much together, and they are the only ones left who survived the battle, and survived together. They are old comrades, but more importantly, permanent friends. And as friends they are bound to see each other again. And that thought of them being able to see each other again and again and again, and bloom a stronger bond in the context of a peaceful life ahead, was really what solidified RivaMika as my all time OTP. This man who gave up so much of himself for others, can now start thinking of himself and what he wants, and who he wants to share a future with. And this woman, who gave up so much of herself for the people she loved, can also start thinking of herself and what she wants, and who she wants to spend her future years with.

…I’m just emotional right now, smh. They deserved better. Y’all can’t tell me J*an’s dynamic with Mikasa was stronger than this; I love J*an but there is absolutely no competition when it comes to who has and who will treat Mikasa the best. I also freaking think Isa was planning on RivaMika to be end game but didn’t want his misunderstanding audience to be mad lol. I have all the feelings rn. I love RM so much. I’ve never felt this strongly about a non-canon OR canon ship ever in my life

[im-whatchamccallit]

Crushcrushcrush//Kim Hongjoong (ATEEZ)

Request:  Hi i was wondering if you could do a soulmate werewolf hongjoong x human female reader angst and fluff like she over hears hongjoong saying something and she gets sad and shy and worried and stuff.....

Pairing: Kim Hongjoong x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst with fluff at the end, Werewolf!AU, Soulmate!AU, a bit of College!AU

Warnings: Hongjoong’s kind of a dick with irrational thinking, cussing I guess

Word Count: 7.2k

(A/N: Lets just pretend I didn’t disappear for 6 whole months, but i am back and my medication is no longer giving me the big sad so I’m a little more motivated to write.This isn’t the best work I’ve done, this is actually idea 10 for this prompt and idk if it’s executed properly but Imma keep trying and hopefully, to keep from falling back into a slump, I’ll start a new series so I have a regular scheduled fic for everyone. Also, I think I botched expressing the AUS here but just let me know what you think. Sorry for always disappearing, I can’t promise I won’t go off the grid again but I’ll try harder to be active in anyway)

Your mother always said crushes stayed crushes for a reason: they hurt. Bad. But you thought she was wrong, that your feelings for someone could one day be reciprocated later if not sooner, and that’s what led you to him. Kim Hongjoong. The day you met was a complete accident, your body slamming into his as you wandered aimlessly during your freshman year of high school. He was gorgeous with wide brown eyes, beautiful pink lips and cheeks, his hair styled differently from the other boys to reveal his forehead, showing his individuality. He was perfection.

“I’m so sorry. Are you alright?” Those were the first words he spoke to you, his voice so gentle, so sweet. And the way he reached out to help you with no hesitation, holding your hands as he pulled you up effortlessly.

It was love at first sight, all until he looked down to your hands, eyes catching a glimpse of your wrist, a row of zeros peeking through the sleeve of your uniform jacket. He slowly pushed the fabric up, both your eyes widening to see your soulmate clock had finally timed out, his hands releasing yours to check his own wrist, a quiver to his lips as his clock matched yours, his once soft eyes now hard as he stared you down.

“Stay far away from me.” He warned, not saying another word as he headed to his homeroom, your body frozen as you watched him disappear. He was so harsh, yet you liked him. Maybe suddenly finding his soulmate scared him, but it was no problem to you! You were bound to end up together so you played the waiting game with him, being the perfect soulmate you could possibly be whether he accepted it or not.

And that led you here, now seniors in college and still acting the way you were when you met. Hongjoong was still cold, treating you like some plague while you could only smile along. You weren’t sure how you missed the fact you lived in a predominantly werewolf area until a public service announcement came on your television one night to remind humans to stay indoors during the full moon, that night dedicated to werewolves being as free as they could be, but it made you even more hopeful when you were on your way home from work one night, taking a shortcut through the woods since it lead right to your backyard.

You were 16 at the time, so the sight of a shirtless person would obviously make you flustered, but a shirtless Hongjoong? Enough to cause a nosebleed. He was 16 as well, the exact age a werewolf develops a mate bond and, seeing as you’ve already been confirmed as soulmates in the human world, the sudden desire to latch onto you and never let you go once you locked eyes only made your lifelong attachment more real, and he was freaking out. He didn’t speak, opting to shift without removing the remainder of his clothes, your eyes wide as he moved deeper through the thick trees and towards the horizon where the orange sky was in full view and, the grin on your face just couldn’t stop growing. You knew werewolves had a stronger drive to their mates, so the idea that he could avoid you forever was laughable. Sure, you were both 23 and he has uped his disdain for you from staying silent to calling you any vile name he could think of, but it was only a matter of time before he came around. You just knew it.

“(Y/n), stop gawking.” Miyeon joked, poking your side to snap you from your daydreams, your eyes widening when you noticed a few of Hongjoong’s friend’s catching your gaze, a blush painting your face as you turned away.

“I wasn’t gawking, just making sure their table was okay. I am their waitress tonight.”

“And every other night because you said, and I quote, ‘I wanna work at any table my Joongie’s going to be at!’” She mocked, your eyes rolling as you looked back towards them.

You took a job at a diner just a few blocks from both your apartment and college campus, the pay great and the distance convenient. It was the only time you had to yourself instead of lingering to Hongjoong, figuring out his classes and breaks to give him snacks and lunches you’d personally make for him since you overheard him complain about the campus food before, only to be told they tasted like shit and he’d find his own food. It was a bit of a kick to the face to hear that, but you had one saving grace: his pack. The first time Hongjoong sent you away with a bitter remark, they were curious about you, tracking you down when they weren’t with their alpha to get more info on who you were and what you found so loveable about the man treating you like some demon. They were surprised by how sweet you were and how accepting you were to be the unwanted luna of an eight-wolf pack. They could never hate Hongjoong but they sure as hell loved you just a little more than him. Unbeknownst to both of you, Yunho and Mingi found out where you worked, making a plan with the others to take Hongjoong there as much as possible so he would have no choice but to interact with you, even if he stayed silent to not appear like an asshole in front of the various strangers dining as well. Hongjoong would honestly never return if he had the choice, but something about the restaurant’s signature burger kept bringing him back, which is why he was here, sipping his soda angrily as he waited on his meal that would be served by his worst nightmare, you.

“I don’t know why you don’t just find someone else. Isn’t it easy for humans to reject soulmates? You could move on with no problems.” She said, helping you grasp onto the steel tray covered in various meals, a huff leaving you as you put on a bright smile.

“Because I know it’s harder to move on for wolves. You guys don’t have a choice on who your mates are, and you just accept it once you meet them. I know Hongjoong will accept me eventually, it’s just gonna take some time.” You gave one more smile before wobbling towards the table in question.

Hongjoong tried not to follow the gaze of his pack as they watched you happily approach them, letting out a huff as you adjusted the tray onto your shoulder, grasping the plates and placing them in front of the respective person, Hongjoong’s nose twitching at the smell of his burgers and fries, not wasting anytime to dig in as the other’s thanked you, but you shyly looked at the male before you, the tray pressed to your chest as you tried to find a casual way to speak with him.

“I-uh- I-I remembered last time you asked for extra cheese, so I decided to put cheese in the burger too! I hope you like it better than the tofu stew I made you for lunch the other week.”

“I didn’t ask for extra cheese this time, so why put it inside my burger where I can’t take it off?” He said spitefully, mouth still full as he set the half-eaten burger down.

Your smile faltered but bounced back as you reached towards his plate.

“O-oh! Well, I can take it back and make you another! This time I ca-“

“’This time’? You should’ve just done it from the start. Your job is to listen and do what you’re told and you can’t even do that? What can you do right?”

You swallowed hard, your eyes wandering to the people now staring at you as the scene unfolded, your heartbeat ringing in your ears as you tried to hold it together. The worst he’s called you in an idiot and that was usually under his breath, so to practically say it out loud, in front of strangers while you were in the middle of a shift and forced to do nothing but smile like you usually would, felt like you were being stabbed and burned simultaneously. You couldn’t keep smiling, looking down as you tried to apologize, only for him to cut you off once again.

“Go bother someone else. Or hide in the back if you’re just gonna keep fucking up this much.”

The space was eerily silent, even with the soft music playing, your eyes not leaving your shoes as you shuffled away. It was a pitiful sight, Seonghwa releasing a breath he didn’t realize he was holding as you went to a neighboring table to retrieve plates and glasses left by a couple from before. He was ready to tear Hongjoong’s head off, not as a gamma to an alpha but as one friend to another, his jaw tight as he prepared to berate him the way he did you but, somehow, Wooyoung beat him by asking a question none of them thought to ask before.

“What did she ever do to you that you have to treat her like that?”

There was a strange but tense silence as they awaited his answer, watching him taking small bites of his fries as he stared ahead at nothing before turning to them with what could only be described as a sadistic smirk.

“Imagine being 13 and finding out the best years of your life, the years of dating, hooking up, just discovering who you are, are gone because your mate decides to show up and take that from you.”

“Are you fucking stupid? That’s the reason we have mates, so we can do those things with one person instead of random people!” Seonghwa nearly yelled, trying to keep his voice low as to not alarm anymore spectators again.

“For the past 7 years, I’ve been trying to get her to leave or just reject me, but it’s clear to me now that she’s just an idiot that doesn’t understand she’s not needed, by me or anyone. And, if you’re as dumb as her, I’ll simplify it for you: she’s unwanted.”

Whatever pain you felt before suddenly disappeared into a numbness you couldn’t explain. He knew you were there, that you could hear him, that you would hear him, and yet he still said it. You were conflicted and sad, your lips curling in a mixture of disgust and anger before settling on a bright smile. Never mind the fact your tears finally spilled over, that your heart ached with every beat and your body felt heavy with the weight of being rejected by someone you waited so long for, you just had to smile. Soulmates were supposed to be a sure thing, supposed to be your happily ever after, yet it just turned out to be a crush, one that you should’ve let die the day you met him.

“(Y/n/n)…” Miyeon spoke cautiously as you made your way towards the bar, your other coworkers watching from beside her as if you were some strange spectacle.

“We have to start cleaning, y’know? It’ll help us get out of here a lot faster tonight.” You said in your usual cheerful tone, tears still flowing and a faint crack to your voice.

“How about you just head home for the day, (Y/n)? We can handle everything from here.” Your manager said, her eyes scanning your face as you moved past them and to the kitchen, their bodies following instinctively.

“What? No! I’m fine! We still have 4 more hours to go and I think if I get a head start with the chefs for tomorrow lunch specials I ca-“

“(Y/n), please-“

“I’m fine, Miyeon! Really! It’s not like I got broken up with or anything, I never even had a boyfriend! Just a crush on someone that thinks I’m a waste of space! Isn’t that super ironic? Spending most of your life chasing after someone that wants nothing to do with you? That’s really funny, right?” You choked out, lips pursing into a thin line to keep in your sobs but your attempts were futile, everything slowly starting to hit you at once until your body collapsed, one of the other servers catching you before you hit the ground.

It was all a blur from there, the words of comfort everyone offered turning into muffled noise as your cries of agony came out freely, the way Miyeon dragged you from the emergency exit at the back of the building and to her car to take you home, and even when you crawled into bed and managed to sleep despite the pounding headache. 7 years came and went and there was nothing to show for it. No soulmate, no boyfriend, no romance, not even a friendship. You were empty and for some reason the only thing filling your heart and mind was the person who broke you.

It felt like time stood still yet hours had passed, Hongjoong back in his own bedroom pressing away at his keyboard, stopping occasionally to write a few notes down from his new composition, but he wasn’t distracted enough to hear his door open, various footsteps entering and even a few bodies settling in on his bed, his eyes not bothering to leave his notebook as he figured this moment would come.

“You don’t need to lecture me.” He grumbled, going back to play a few more notes only to find his keyboard unplugged, Mingi tossing the cord away as his alpha stared him down.

“It’s only a lecture if you listen and learn, which you won’t, so we’re gonna make you feel as bad as possible for driving away the only person that gave a shit about you.” San said with a bright smile, a scoff leaving Hongjoong as he finally turned in his chair to face them, eyes scanning the room to see this situation wasn’t playful but truly hostile, almost like an ambush.

“So, you guys don’t care about me?”

“Trying to get you to accept your soulmate so you don’t die shows we care a lot more than we should.” Yeosang spoke, making himself comfortable as he sat against the pillow and headboard.

“But we’re the real assholes for trying to force her with someone as shitty as you.” Seonghwa finally said, Hongjoong’s head snapping in his direction as he let out a dry chuckle, shifting in his seat so he was leaning backwards, arms crossed as he told himself to stay calm during his friend’s potential tantrum.

“I feel like you have the most to say since you’ve been in love with my mate the longest, so go ahead, tell me how I’m such a bad man, Seonghwa. I’m all ears.” His smugness made the tension worse, Seonghwa stepping closer with clenched fist.

“I’m not in love with you mate, but if I didn’t know someone was waiting for me because we were fated to be together, maybe I would have asked (Y/n) out, because she deserves better than a lowlife with the brain function of a dead goldfish. But I respect her too much as your mate and my luna to not push those boundaries so I tried to help her get closer to you because I know you, Hongjoong. You’re not an asshole or a jerk, but to her? You treat her like shit, when really you’d have no one without her. You’re a short, scrawny, nerdy moron that locks himself in a dark room for days on end just to complete a single project, then emerge to eat cold pizza and watch Despicable Me because your pea-sized brain can’t comprehend anything that isn’t brightly colored animation. If you take away your alpha status, no girl would even look in your direction but you have someone literally at your side, the only human not afraid of you, trying to figure out everything there is to know about you, yet you can’t give her the time of day. You probably don’t even know a damn thing about her.”

“Unfortunately, I know more than enough about her.” Hongjoong spoke, all amusement gone as he glared at the older male, their mindlink clogged with threatening growls and barks, trying to keep their fight from getting physical.

That first sentence alone made Hongjoong’s blood boil, his face contorted in a mixture of pain and disgust. How could Seonghwa even say that to him, plotting to steal his mate all because he was a bit uncertain? That all it was, uncertainty! He didn’t hate you, or wish you weren’t around, he actually grew to anticipate and enjoy your ramblings about your day or whatever new thing caught your attention, he actually even loved the lunches that you’d make for him. He couldn’t help that over the years he grew to crave you more, but the thought of fully accepting you and solidifying that the best years of his life were about to be gone, restricted to one person forever before he could even determine for himself his likes and dislikes, what he considered real love rather than what fate wanted him to feel, was terrifying. So he distanced himself from you, spending the years watching you from afar in hopes that if he didn’t get too close he wouldn’t lose his free will completely.

But it was a bad habit that seeped into your college years, everyone assuming he cared so little for you when he knew everything there was to know. He knew where you worked before any of the boys did, where your apartment was, the fact you were a business major planning to open a bakery once you graduated, he knew you didn’t have classes on Fridays but always came back on campus because you prepared meals for the men’s and women’s wrestling team which is where Jongho first met you, he knew you hated mint chocolate chip ice cream just like him but loved chocolate ice cream with mint chips, he knew you were always cold but overheat at night and wake up at exactly 3am to change into shorts and a tank top to be more comfortable, he knew about the birthmark on your lower back and a scar on your hip from a cat scra-

“Holy shit, you’re insane.” Wooyoung breathed out, Hongjoong’s eyes focusing on the room in front of him, a mixture of shocked expressions and amused ones filling his vision.

“I liked it better when we thought you hated her but, hyung, you’ve been stalking her since your freshman year of high school?” Jongho asked cautiously.

It was a weird feeling bubbling inside Hongjoong, the primary one being embarrassment. He knew he’d sometimes unintentionally rant in their mindlink whenever he was upset but to make an almost decade long secret public to his pack, revealing the intimate details of how you slowly but surely ingrained yourself into not only his brain but his life until he felt like he was going crazy? It made him tear up, his face burn with a blush as he was finally forced to face the truth. He pushed you away but wanted you more than anything. He wanted to spend his years free to explore before finally settling down only to reject every girl that came close to him simply because they weren’t you, and he took that anger out on you. What was he so mad about? The fact you stood by his side with a smile happily accepting him while he tried and failed to lust after other women? Was he that pathetic? He could admit now that he was and, if he could turn back time, he would’ve introduced himself and walked you to class. Just the first step of fully accepting you.

“You’re still ranting in the mindlink, you know?” Seonghwa said softly, regaining the once again lost focus of his alpha who was too consumed in his own pity to notice the tension died down, their gazes soft as they tried to sympathize with their leader.

“Sorry. I wish none of you heard that stuff.” He admitted, sniffling as he realized he’d been crying, hand hurriedly wiping away tears from his cheeks.

“Well, it’s a good thing we did. We still think you’re a moron, but at least we know you’re feeling guilty about all of this.”

“Don’t worry, Joong, if you know (Y/n) like we do, she always sees the best in people, so she’ll forgive you. But you still have to apologize.” San followed up Mingi’s words, wrapping an arm around Hongjoong shoulders while giving a bright smile in response to his weak one.

“She’s my TA in Calc 3 and I have that class around noon tomorrow. She always stays after in case anyone has questions, so I can stall until you get there.” Yunho offered, Hongjoong feeling a slight warmth in his chest thinking about it all. He’d let go of his insecurities, fix everything he’s done wrong, and finally have you as his. Tomorrow couldn’t come fast enough.

And tomorrow did come, but you were nowhere to be found. When Hongjoong arrived to Yunho’s class, he was met with a sympathetic apology on the account that you didn’t show up that day, you weren’t even at any of your other classes. The boys even tried to find you at work only to be met with a mob of your pissed coworkers led by Miyeon, threatening to rip their heads off if she saw their faces again. And that lasted for nearly 3 days, Hongjoong’s hope slowly dwindling away until he noticed two figures sneakily meeting halfway at the school’s entrance to exchange a large white cooler.

He recognized those bulky arms anywhere, and the thick Aussie accent was a dead giveaway as well, especially when it was followed by a distinct giggle. There was no mistaking it was Chan, but he could barely see the person with him, their voice low as they spoke to him and face hidden beneath a hood, but the scent emitting from them was strong, and beautiful, his eyes widening as he finally took it all in. You looked different, wearing a dark grey matching sweat suit which was a complete 180 from your usual attire, and you smelled faintly of passionfruit, possibly a change to your normal shampoo in an attempt to disguise yourself, but that thought only made his heart hurt more. Were you intentionally avoiding him? He could understand you hating him now but you were even ignoring the others in his pack, going from friends to complete strangers in a matter of hours and leaving them all devastated. He was going to fix this, here and now, if not for him and you than for his friends.

“Jongho’s been pretty upset about you not responding to his text. It’d really help if you stopped by to at least let him know you’re okay.” Chan pleaded, giving you a dimpled smile and hopeful gaze that made it impossible for you to hide your blushing face and grin.

“I just need a little more time, Chris. It’s like if you broke up with your mate and all the friends you made through her left you too. Except it’s me being broken up with by someone who was never my boyfriend and his friends came to me instead of me going to them. But, still, it hurts all the same.” You laughed slightly, trying to find some humor in the situation.

“You’re the only person that still calls me Chris.” He commented, trying to redirect the conversation as you clearly weren’t fine, neither of you noticing the burning glare just a few meters away.

“I just think it fits you best.” You admitted, neither of you breaking eye contact until you gasped, staring down to the box of food and drinks you bought.

“You should hurry to practice. You need to eat beforehand otherwise you’ll be weak after warmups alone. And I worked hard making those sandwiches and cutting that fruit, if it goes bad because you stayed here to cheer me up, I’ll really be mad.” You tried to put on your best scowl, your scolding undermined by his amused laughter.

“Alright, fine. Just stay safe, please?” You nodded, waving as you watched him turn to head to the school’s gymnasium, missing the way Chan glared at Hongjoong as he continued forward. Chan and Hongjoong’s packs were close, family almost, so the news of what Hongjoong did and why reached them in no time, and Chan was hoping today things would be fixed soon because, apart from you being the wrestling team’s beloved personal chef, you were like a sister to him.

You wasted no time leaving the campus behind, ready to go back into the darkness of your bedroom to forget you existed. You really wish you could disappear, that the ground would split beneath you and swallow you whole, but you couldn’t just leave when your phone was filled with calls and messages from friends and coworkers wondering where you were and if you were fine. So many people cared, what kind of person would you be to leave them all alone like this, especially when all they wanted was to help you? But being alone helped, trying to live life as normal as possible while adjusting to a Hongjoong-free lifestyle helped. It would take some time, but you’d find your normal someday. All you had to do was avoid-

“(Y/n)!” Your body froze.

He rarely called you by your name but his voice was distinct on its own, and it was the most sickly sweet thing you’ve ever heard. You wanted to run, to never have him see you like this. Dear god, how did you even look right now? You felt like shit, you probably looked the part. Dammit, Hongjoong was right all along, you were shit. You were worse than shit, you were just pathetic. A pathetic, lovestruck loser itching to just turn and say hi, to have the conversation you always dreamed of but you knew that wouldn’t happen. He’ll yell at you again. He’ll-

“(Y/n)? H-hi…” Hongjoong said shyly, standing right in front of you as you shrank into yourself.

His brows furrowed as you looked away, mentally arguing with yourself as you went over the days of self-reflecting you did, trying to find some lesson from your solitude to aid in this situation and it was starting to scare him. You were never quiet with him, you always had something to say even if it wasn’t important but, luckily, he had something important to say and hopefully you’d listen.

“I- T-the other day…. I w-was…. I-I’m sorry.” He stammered out, this confession a lot harder than he thought, especially now that you were facing him, eyes just as innocent as the day he met you, but he couldn’t run away this time.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, honestly. Everyone told me I was an idiot and I think they’re right. I treated you like you were garbage for years, all because I didn’t want to be mated so young. I just wanted to date around before I finally settled down with someone and, m-maybe I could’ve just said that, so you didn’t have to wait around for me all these years but, I never hated you, and I can’t hate you. I know you won’t forgive me right away but I think it’s only fair that I can be a good mate to you now.”

He swallowed hard, trying to suppress the desperate ‘please’ he wanted to add as your pupils began to shake, almost as if you were a machine malfunctioning, none of your self-reflecting preparing you for this moment, the only thing coming to mind being some sad blog article you found during your second day of isolation. ‘Forgiving and forgetting too soon is dangerous. Find yourself’. It wasn’t what you wanted but maybe what you need, what he needed. So, without hesitation, you smiled brightly at him although it never reached your eyes, clearing your throat as you tried to keep your voice steady.

“Hongjoong, I can’t forgive you easily. I waited for you, I tried to make you accept me and it always ended up with me getting hurt. Honestly, if I just treated you like a regular crush, maybe we could’ve forgotten we’re meant to be together until after graduation or something.” You laughed awkwardly, wanting to look away as his eyes softened in the saddest way, but you needed to do this, eyes locked on his as you exhaled through your nose.

“I couldn’t be by your side all the time, so whether you dated anyone is still a mystery to me but, I’ve been alone for seven years hoping you’d come around, and I think it’s time I take those years back. I’m not sure if what you said counted as a rejection or if we’re still mates but, if we are, we’ll come back to each other eventually. For now, I just need some time.”

You managed to walk past him without completely collapsing in tears, speed walking back to your apartment as you tried to swallow sobs, not even taking in the way Hongjoong stumbled to follow you, almost like a zombie as he attempted to plead for you to reconsider, to force himself to accept your decision but ask how long you needed, but he couldn’t do that. He tried to picture himself in your shoes, seven years of pining only to be publicly humiliated by the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. He couldn’t blame you for not forgiving him, and he sure as hell couldn’t force you, so he let you go, trudging in the opposite direction to his two story apartment just to hide in his bedroom until he didn’t feel like dying anymore.

But as more days passed and it only got harder for Hongjoong. He barely left his room but also never slept, every song he created was played in minor scales to fit his now melancholy life. The charisma he typically exuded was hidden with puffy red eyes from crying and a yellow knit sweater a few sizes too large for his body but it was the only thing that comforted him at this point, especially when knowing you had reconnected with everyone but him.

After exactly one week of distancing yourself from the world, you caved and meet with the boys individually (sans Hongjoong), apologizing for needing space although they completely understood, but the way each interaction ended made your guts churn with guilt. ‘Stay safe, luna’, that’s how all of them addressed you before they left, leaving you filled with the desire to return to how things were before. You missed your friends and, the fact your mate was finally ready to claim you, only made you want to forgive Hongjoong sooner. But you needed to be your own person for once. You had seven years worth of relationships to catch up on and you wouldn’t let them keep you from that.

Except when they did.

You should’ve known it was risky letting them know you had a date so soon, just some other human on campus that had yet found his soulmate. They sounded happy for you, Wooyoung going so far to ask where you met and where your date would be and what time, giving suggestions on what to say and wear since it was “your first”. It was a sweet gesture, and you thought nothing of it, but that information meant everything to him which led to now, the boys huddled together in their living room with a slightly paler and sickly looking Hongjoong curled into the corner of their loveseat.

“So they’re going bowling tonight at 8:30? We could ask her about it tomorrow in case she’s into him because hyung isn’t looking too great.” Yeosang commented, everyone looking to Hongjoong as he managed to drown his entire body within the sweater, only his head visible as he stared ahead like some lost puppy.

“He’s just weak from not being around her for so long, but their bond is still there so he’s fine. But we have nothing to worry about. She won’t fall in love with him so don’t get too involved, she’ll just stop talking to us again if we meddle too much.” Seonghwa warned, a chorus of ‘Okays’ confirming their dismissal as they all stood to retreat to their bedrooms.

“Wait, who is she going out with anyways? There’s only 10 other humans at that school.” Mingi’s question cause everyone to freeze, the silence in the room contrasting with the faint answer Woooyung gave in their mindlink, Hongjoong turning to look at him with hurt and pain.

“Why didn’t you say it was Yugyeom?!”

“I did! Just not to you, until now because I forgot to tune you out.” He said shyly, flinching as Hongjoong ran past him and right out their front door, none of them sure of what to do at that point.

It was such a minor yet major detail. Kim Yugyeom was admittedly the most wanted person any of them could think of. Human girls wanted him, werewolf girls wanted him, most guys couldn’t help but stare whenever he passed by. He was gorgeous with eyes that sparkled every time he smiled. He spoke about his soulmate with so much passion despite never meeting her, following his words with how he’d treat any girl before her with the same love and care. It was a pick up line meant to hook any hopelessly romantic girl in, the sweetest way to say their relationship wouldn’t last. But this was Kim Yugyeom, they knew it was only meant with good intentions, not wanting to string someone along with the false hope they’d be together forever. And that’s exactly what you needed. To explore while knowing you’d always come back to Hongjoong. But that’s not what Hongjoong wanted. He didn’t want you dating anyone else, finding temporary happiness when he was supposed to give you a lifetime of it. And humans were more flexible with their soulmates, they had the privilege to move one without the pain or withdrawals of losing their mate. Werewolves just died if they were rejected, heartbreak and loneliness consuming them, so there was no telling how your heart would react to someone exactly like you. Maybe you’ll fall in love with him. Maybe he’ll abandon his soulmate for you once he learns how amazing you are. Maybe Hongjoong would die from lack of food and sleep before he even reached your apartment, which he was still sprinting full speed towards. It was only 7:30pm, meaning he had an hour before you and Yugyeom went out, but he didn’t have a plan. He had no idea what he was doing, but he needed to stop you before you found yourself in love with someone else.

It was like some scene in a drama, Hongjoong’s chest heaving as he finally came to a stop just outside your apartment. His body felt like giving out as he climbed the two flights of stairs to your door, only to find you waving shyly to Yugyeom just as he turned away, trying not to lock eyes with Hongjoong but Hongjoong’s eyes were only trained on you, yours finding his as a panicked look crossed your face. Should you look away? Go back inside? What was he even doing there? You never told the boys your address… You gasped as he approached you, swallowing hard as you tried to remain calm, but how could you stay calm when you finally got a good look at him?

“Oh my god, are you okay?” You didn’t hesitate to ask, stepping further from your door to examine him, reaching for his face only to stumble back to your original position. You were making great progress, you can’t do that now.

“I’ve been better, but even then I wasn’t fine.” He said with a dry chuckle, your lips curling into a fake smile to not show how much his appearance affected you. He looked like he was on the brink of death. You knew wolves would get sick without their mates, but was it really killing him? Were you killing him?

“Joongi-Uhm, Hongjoong, how about you sit down? You look like you’re going to faint.” You offered, stepping back to allow him inside, watching him stumble past you and straight to your sofa as if he owned the place.

It was such an awkward moment for you, watching the poor boy curl into himself as his sweater practically became his body, a sigh leaving your lips as you shut your door. Instead of healing yourself, you had to heal him. It was oddly pitiful but your instincts screamed at you to do it.

Hongjoong shut his eyes as he eased into your sofa, feeling more comfortable than he was in his own home, even more so with your scent invading his senses, your body warmth radiating onto his as you carefully took a seat, trying to figure out what to do.

“Do you need food, or water? Or a doctor?” You asked, the giggle he let out this time weak but still enough to make your heart beat a bit faster.

“I just need you near me.” He admitted.

You let out a squeak as he shamelessly fell into your lap, head comfortably resting against your thighs as he laid face up. You couldn’t stop your hand from easing through his unnaturally colored locks, melting at how soft they were, bottom lip trapped under your teeth as you had to fight off the desire to cup his face. You’ve never gotten this close to him and he wasn’t telling you to go away, instead letting out content purrs as he nuzzled closer to you, your eyes burning with unshed tears. Why couldn’t he just want you from the start? You’d would’ve been able to hold him like this all the time, to see him happy and healthy rather than a shell of his former self. But he didn’t want you, and now he was at your apartment just to keep himself from dying. It was silly to think he cared about you as much as he did himself.

“Of course you do.” You whispered, laughing bitterly as your hand left his hair, moving to his arm to ease him back up into a sitting position.

You couldn’t get past him no matter how hard you tried, nor did you want to, but every word he said, everything he’s done, followed you like a ghost haunting some poor unsuspecting soul. Why did you have to love someone who didn’t love you the same? Why was this your life?

“Can you just hold me a little longer? P-please?” He asked with a cute whine to his voice.

You sighed and grabbed his arm, gently pulling him back into his previous position, fingers massaging his scalp as he finally opened his eyes to look at you. You were beautiful, even with the frown lines etched into your face. He wonder how long they’ve been there, especially when he’s only seen you smiling. Maybe you spent your alone time more upset than he thought. Where you upset before he came? You couldn’t be when Yugyeom was here, no one could be upset with him around. Except Hongjoong. He felt a grudge building inside him just from the mere thought of him with you. He felt like interrogating you on what he was doing here in the first place and why you gave your address out to just anyone, but it wasn’t his place to ask and probably wouldn’t be for a while, but jealousy and rage was all he felt so any reasonable thinking was thrown out the window.

“I don’t want you to see Yugyeom anymore.” He said definitely, your eyes widened as you stared at him incredulously, an amused giggle leaving your lips.

“That’s not for you to choose, Hongjoong. I told you I need time-“

“Those seven years you’ve been waiting I couldn’t be with anyone else. I always compared every girl I met to you and none of them came close to being as perfect, now I have to watch you date some dance major with pretty eyes because I was an insecure dumbass? He has a soulmate, and he’s always going to choose them no matter how much you like each other, so why not save your feelings? I’ll wait as long as you want me to, but just don’t fall in love with anyone else.”

You tried so hard to hide your smile. This wasn’t something you typically liked, possessive guys being on the list of things you found annoying, but considering it was Hongjoong, his soft eyes hard and sharp as their hue seemed to go pitch black as his words were both sweet and demanding, made you fall in love just a little more than you already were. You wanted to take this as his confession, as a truce in your previous one-sided enemyship, to tell him that you told Yugyeom you couldn’t go out with him because you could only see yourself with Hongjoong, but you needed time. Not time to date and explore the way you thought he had, but to watch him work as hard as you did to prove he was ready and willing to love you. It was a little malicious, sure, but it was all in good fun. He’d always be your mate after all.

“I don’t know, Hongjoong, you really hurt me…”

“It hurt knowing I wasn’t with you.” Your smile cracked through, causing his own to appear, your game already over.

“And how do you think I felt? You think you can make up seven years worth of waiting so easily?”

You squealed as he shot up, magically seeming more alive than when he arrived, eyes full of life and his lips and cheeks the same rosy color as when you met him, hands warm and soft as he cupped your face.

“Good thing I have forever to do it.”

The silence was comfortable but unbearable, especially as he hesitated to lean closer, your lips puckering to guide him but he didn’t seem to be catching on and, when he did, you shifted back, laughing awkwardly as you stared at one another, both of you taking a deep breath as you finally closed the gap between you, a weird electric sensation you could only dream of as your lips slowly grew accustom to one another, moving so slow yet feeling so urgent. It was all still new to the both of you, romance and dating only now becoming part of your lives, but it was exciting knowing that you had years ahead of you to perfect it, your entire lives dedicated to loving one another. And it only took a seven year crush to get you here.

[baepsaesbae]

Heal Me, Kill Me Ch.5 (Final Chapter)

Pairing— Kim Taehyung x female reader

Genre— Vampire!Taehyung x Vampire Hunter!reader, SMUT +18, angst

Warnings— Unprotected explicit sex, fingering, blood mentions, death, oral (f and m receiving), creampie, overstimulation 

Word Count— 6.3k

Summary— You’re one of the best vampire hunters in the world. That’s to be expected when your parents are the best of the best. Your life had solely revolved around ruthlessly killing vampires, making you a cold blooded machine. However, things take a turn once you meet Kim Taehyung, your latest target.

A/N— Huge shoutout to @dee-ehn for this beautiful banner! Thank you to everyone who has given this series a read. It’s very special to me and it’s bittersweet that it’s now over. Please let me know what you guys think!

“Let me get this straight, the VEC HQ is completely gone? Wiped out?” you questioned as you tried to grasp the situation.

“Apparently they were hit with a massive ambush. A huge horde of vampires led under a single commander, it seemed like. I got a call during the middle of the raid. All I could hear were screams and the caller’s laugh. I was given a time and place for a meet up,” Yoongi explained further. 

“Perfect, let’s go burn the sons of bitches,” Jungkook got up energetically.

“There are only four of us,” Taehyung observed with a judgmental glance towards the young man. 

“There are only THREE VEC members left. The only reason you’re still alive is because ___ insisted on it. Mark my words, one slip up, and you’re dead. Got that?” Yoongi corrected him. Taehyung solemnly nodded. 

“So, what do we do? HQ is gone, but surely we can contact the other agencies around the globe,” you suggested.

“Already tried that. They saved the best for last. There is no one we can ask for help,” Jungkook shook his head. 

“I can go. Alone, I mean. To the rendezvous point you were given,” Taehyung offered. 

“And do what? Join forces with them?” Yoongi glared. 

“An attempt at diplomacy would be ideal. Should they choose violence, then so be it. If I die, I die. But at least you will be safe,” Taehyung looked at you while he said that last sentence. 

“Sounds good to me--”

“Absolutely not,” you interrupted Yoongi, “If we really are the last people qualified as vampire hunters, I say we go down swinging. I can’t just sit by knowing there are murderous vampires on the loose. We all took an oath to protect mankind. I intend to keep that oath.”

Yoongi and Jungkook exchanged looks. Jungkook was all for it, eager to let out his rage. It took a bit more to convince Yoongi, but he reluctantly agreed. He really took to heart what you said about the VEC oath.

“Here are the coordinates I was given. We have three days to get there,” Yoongi brought up the site on Google Earth.

“What the hell? That looks like an abandoned castle. That’s kind of badass. Major Castlevania vibes,” Jungkook gawked as he zoomed in closer.

“I know this place,” Taehyung said quietly. 

“You do?” the remaining VEC members asked in unison.

“I believe so. And if who I think is involved truly is involved...I fear we may be in deeper trouble than I thought,” he said ominously. 

“Fuckin terrific,” Yoongi grumbled. 

“Thank god Yoongi brought the private jet over here,” you sighed as you watched the trees below you grow smaller and smaller.

“Thank god I have the credit card for the VEC funds. I would be remiss if we lost all that money,” Yoongi called back using the intercom. 

“Flying via private jet is probably one of my favorite parts of the job. Hey, you good over there, Fangs?” Jungkook coined a nickname for his new vampire acquaintance. 

You looked over to see Taehyung’s face paler than usual as he tightly gripped the armrests of his seat. He slowly looked over towards the pair of you and nodded, though he was clearly lying. You couldn’t help but chuckle at him. His fear of flying was adorable, who would’ve known that an undead creature could be scared of planes?

“I’m gonna go join Yoongi in the cockpit, I love the view from there,” Jungkook said to no one in particular as he stood up once cruising altitude was reached. 

You unbuckled your seat belt and went over to comfort Taehyung, who looked queasier by the minute. You handed him a bottle of water.

“Sorry, we don’t have any blood bags on the plane,” you joked.

“I appreciate the gesture, darling,” Taehyung meekly smiled.

“I didn’t know you were scared of flying,” you said with an amused grin.

“I’ve never been a fan. People traveling in the air? It’s just not natural,” Taehyung shook his head in distaste.

“I don’t think you’re one to talk about what’s natural, but I get that. I wish there was a way I could get you to unwind. We have quite a long way to go before we reach our destination,” you straddled his lap and ran your fingers through his hair, “I can get off if you feel like you need to puke,” you quickly added.

“No, I think a distraction is exactly what I need,” Taehyung’s eyes darkened as he unbuckled his seat belt and gripped your hips.

Your hips began to move on their own as they grinded against him. You could feel his clothed erection growing under you, which only spurred you on more. Taehyung leaned forward to kiss you, and accidentally bit your lip in his excitement. He quickly lapped up the small dribble of blood that surfaced, and that alone seemed to make him more ravenous. Taehyung started to guide your hips, pushing you harder and faster against him.

“You want me?” Taehyung exhaled against your lips.

“I need you. Take off your pants, Tae,” you instructed as you climbed off of him.

“The others won’t intrude?” Tae asked with a smirk as he tugged down his pants.

“Yoongi is flying the jet, and I don’t give a fuck if Jungkook walks in on us,” you answered as you sank to your knees. 

You wasted no time in taking a firm hold of Taehyung cock. Your now ice cold hand caused Taehyung to shudder, a feeling he would now have to get used to. Luckily, the friction from your quick pumping warmed him back up, and he was able to fully enjoy himself. How could he not, when he sees your eager eyes gazing up at him with your lips wrapped around his tip. Your tongue swirled around his sensitive head, making a small moan escape from his lips.

“You have to be quiet, or else I’ll stop,” you warned him. It felt good to hold somewhat of a dominant position over him, but also you would rather not be walked in on. Taehyung nodded his head and licked his lips as you returned to the task at hand. 

Drool dripped down his long cock as you bobbed your head up and down. You tried to fit as much of him in your mouth as you could, but his sheer size made it damn near impossible. Taehyung couldn’t help himself as he grabbed the back of your head and shoved his dick further down your throat. You gagged as he took control of your mouth, but he stopped as soon as he saw tears welling in your eyes.

“I’m sorry darling, did I hurt you?” he asked with concern as he stroked your cheek.

“I’m fine, it’s an involuntary reaction. You’re too sweet,” you smiled as you stood up and unbuttoned your pants, “But since you made me cry I guess it’s only fair for you to make it up to me.”

You straddled over Taehyung, teasing your bare pussy over his hard cock. You wanted him to feel how wet you were before he even penetrated you. As much as you wanted to milk this moment, you really would rather for Jungkook to NOT walk in on you in the middle of getting down and dirty. 

You slowly lowered yourself onto Taehyung’s dick, softly gasping as he stretched you out. You both let out a blissful sigh once you reached his base. You took your time fucking him slowly, as this was one of the few times that you had control in an intimate setting. Taehyung gripped your hips harshly; his eyes begged for you to go faster. Lust took over and you gave in. You began to ride him harder and faster, and soon it was a struggle for both of you to stay quiet. 

Lewd wet sounds echoed around the cabin as you hid your face in the crook of Taehyung's neck at a poor attempt to muffle your moans. Taehyung in turn could barely hold back his deep grunts since he took control with a tight grip on your ass as he fucked upwards into you. With Taehyung drilling into your sweet spot with inhumane speed, the intensity made you clamp down on his neck hard enough to draw blood. Taehyung came quickly after you bit him, releasing his load into your ravaged pussy. 

You licked at his wound, his blood only adding to the euphoria pulsing around your body. Taehyung kissed you passionately before you hopped off in search of napkins to clean yourself off with. The sound of the cockpit door opening sent you and Taehyung into a frenzy. Clothes were put back on in record time and you both were sitting properly in your respective seats when Jungkook came to rejoin you.

“You’re looking better, Fangs,” Jungkook observed. 

“I just needed some time to adjust,” Taehyung said smoothly. 

“You guys know we have cameras and microphones rigged around this cabin right? And it’s all viewable from the cockpit?” Jungkook raised an eyebrow.

Taehyung’s eyes grew large and you shifted uncomfortably in your seat. Neither of you could make eye contact with Jungkook, who was looking at both of you expectantly. 

“This is why I do not appreciate modern technology. Personal privacy is a thing of the past,” Taehyung confessed.

Jungkook burst out into a fit of laughter, clutching at his sides as he tried to talk.

“I was fucking with you. I mean yeah there are cameras and shit but security is in the back and gets sent directly to HQ. Which no longer exists. Fuck, you guys are so horny,” Jungkook laughed.

“Fuck off Jungkook,” you rolled your eyes and turned away to hide your reddened cheeks. 

“How’s it feel being part of the Mile High Club?” Jungkook slung his arms around Taehyung’s shoulders from behind. 

“I am assuming that has something to do with intercourse in the sky?” Taehyung questioned. Jungkook nodded excitedly.

“In that case, I rather enjoyed it,” Taehyungn concluded thoughtfully.

“Tae! You don’t have to indulge this idiot,” you cried out.

“Thanks for being honest. Yoongi and I made a bet. He’s gonna be so pissed,” Jungkook sing songed as he walked back towards the cockpit.

You and Taehyung quietly listened as you heard Jungkook say, “Hey Yoongi, time to cough up that $200!”

“Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell ___! God dammit,” Yoongi exclaimed loud enough to be heard clearly through the door (and with your heightened sense of hearing).  

The decrepit castle basked in the pale moonlight as the four of you peered at it through the bushes. The rest of the plane ride was awkward and Yoongi hadn’t been able to make eye contact with you since. He kept shooting death glares at Taehyung while Jungkook kept making funny faces at the both of you. You sighed knowing odds were that the castle was filled with bloodthirsty vampires guarding the strongest one of them all, and the only ones going up against them was your ragtag team. You suddenly made peace with dying...again. 

“So what’s the plan again?” Jungkook asked.

“I can go and try to reason with them. If you hear the sounds of an altercation then that would indicate your cue to join the fight,” Taehyung offered.

“I’m not risking you turning over to their side just to screw us over,” Yoongi sneered. 

“Yoongi he wouldn’t--”

“That’s reasonable. What other plan do we have then?” Taehyung interrupted your oncoming protest.  

“We go all at once. A cool final last stand thing. The grand finale. I don’t want to go into hiding and spend the rest of my life trying to pick these suckers off one by one. They’re all here. Or at least, the one that matters most anyway,” Jungkook gave his input, “Oh, but you matter to me, Fangs,” he shot a smile at Taehyung, who gave him a small polite bow to show his gratitude. 

“So we go in guns blazing?” you asked to sum up the plan. The men all nodded in agreement. It was now or never. Jungkook was right, this was a prime opportunity to take out the ring leader. 

All of you sported long black trench coats that concealed many weapons. Guns with blessed bullets, blessed blades, and water guns filled with holy water (Jungkook’s favorite) were among the vast assortment. You subtly left out wearing crucifixes as you normally would, hoping that no one would notice. Taehyung didn’t need any fancy weaponry, but Jungkook gave him a coat so that he could “match the team in its kickassery”. 

Yoongi was staring at something in his hand away from the others. You approached him slowly. You didn’t know what to say to him on the potential last night of your lives, but you hoped something would come to mind.

“Whatcha got there?” you questioned, peering over his shoulder. 

“An old picture. Have you ever seen this before? Here,” Yoongi handed you the picture. It was old, and the camera quality was not the greatest. However, you were able to make out a smiling Yoongi off to the side.

“Wow you look the same,” you joked.

“This was my VEC graduation picture. See anyone else you know?” he asked. You examined the picture a second time.

“Mom and dad…” you trailed off. They were practically strangers to you. It was odd seeing them like this; young and happy, not knowing their grim future. Before you knew it, you were crying. You didn’t realize it until Yoongi called your name with concern.

“Sorry, I don’t know what’s going on,” you apologized while wiping your tears away, “I guess I just don’t want to lose you too.

“I couldn’t bear to lose you either, ___. I promise I’ll do everything I can to protect you. But knowing you, you’ll probably be the one saving my old ass,” Yoongi chuckled as he patted you on the back.

“Guys! We gotta go!” Jungkook beckoned.

If this were a movie, the scene where the main characters walk in slow motion like badasses towards the enemy would be playing. However, this was not a movie, and you were scared shitless. Sure, you technically were a vampire now, but that won’t stop them from killing you again. 

“I know I said this place was cool before, but now it’s giving me the creeps,” Jungkook whispered as you all followed the rugged path that led to the stone bridge in front of the main gate.

The once grand door was now ripped off its hinges, laying a few yards away from the entryway as if it was carelessly cast aside. You took a deep breath as you followed Taehyung into the castle. Beams of moonlight illuminated the castle in rays as it shone through cracks and holes in the walls. The castle was oddly bare, most of its belongings were probably looted a long time ago. All that was left was memories of the past that no one cared about and a few rats that have lived there for decades. 

Your party made it to what must have been the throne room. There was not a single sign of life. It was eerily quiet, and the only movements you saw were those of the vermin that dwelled within the decaying walls. The throne room was dark, and Jungkook led the way with a single lighter. 

“What the hell? Is this place really empty--”

“Welcome, honored guests!” a loud voice boomed as braziers suddenly lit up the room. 

You cowered at the sudden brightness. Once your eyes adjusted, you saw a single figure sitting in the throne at the front of the room. One of his legs was slung over an armrest as he rested his chin on his hand over the other. He depicted a spitting image of a cocky King drunk on power. 

“I’m so thrilled you all could join me this evening. Oh, what’s this? An old friend? How serendipitous,” he sat up straight now as he leaned forward to get a better look at his visitors. 

“Why did you summon us here?” Yoongi cut right to the chase. 

“Very blunt and straight to the point are we? You must be the failed VEC’s headmaster. Min Yoongi, was it? I wanted to talk business. But I must say, this is a rather odd bunch you have here,” the man chuckled, “Are you aware that there are vampyres amongst your company?”

“Yes, this one--wait, vampires? With an ‘s’?” Yoongi’s face scrunched up in confusion. 

“Oh yes, that girl over there,” the strange man gestured towards you with his chin.

“What?!” Yoongi yelled with incredulity, “Taehyung, if we get out of here alive I’m gonna murder you myself!”

“It was my decision! I asked him to do it!” you admitted while jumping in front of Taehyung to protect him from a furious Min Yoongi. 

“Hah, I knew it,” Jungkook said with a devious grin.

“You know what? I’ll beat all of your asses after this,” Yoongi hissed before turning his attention back to the man on the throne, “Anyway, what do you want?”

“I simply wanted to negotiate with you Mr. Min. But I believe we’re all in for a rather interesting night,” the man licked his lips, “Tell me, how long has it been, Taehyung?”

In an instant, Taehyung was strangling the man on the throne. He was so fast that you didn’t even register his movement until you heard him yelling.

“You bastard! You ruined my life! Over and over again! Now I can finally kill you with my own hands,” he growled with a murderous look in his eyes that you have never seen before. 

“Taehyung stop! You’ll have your chance with him, but for now we need answers,” you pulled Taehyung away as Jungkook put the vampire in blessed restraints. 

“Ouch, that hurts,” the vampire pouted, “Still just as dramatic as ever I see, Taehyung. I like your spark though. Almost the same as the night we met, all those years ago.”

“I will kill you,” Taehyung threatened. 

“What did this guy do to you, Fangs?” Jungkook asked.

“He’s the one that turned me,” Taehyung admitted. 

“Can you believe that? It feels like it was just yesterday when I slaughtered your little village. How silly was it that all the men were in the tavern, drinking and fucking whores while their families were left unattended. That didn’t sit right by me, I’m a man of morals. So I killed everyone in the tavern after I had my fill of lonely housewives and innocent children. Except Taehyung. He was the only man who was ever able to put a scratch on me. I forgot I could even bleed, it was honestly a refreshing sight. In the spur of the moment, I rewarded him with eternal life. Could you believe my surprise when he said he didn’t want to be my henchman?” the detained vampire explained. 

“You killed my family and everyone that I knew! Of course I wouldn’t want to be your stupid sidekick, you daft idiot,” Taehyung rebuttled in disgust.

“It was a shame. Poor sweet Maggie didn’t deserve what happened to her,” the vampire looked down at the ground somberly.

“You...you did what?” Taehyung interrogated with a shaky voice. 

“I managed to catch a glimpse of you and your happy life in London. Excuse me for being a little petty about you declining my offer to be my travel buddy. I get lonely, you know. Every other vampire I turn becomes such a drag and I end up killing them myself. So I gave a little tip to the VEC and the rest is history,” the vampire shrugged. 

“Hoseok you snake! You’re the scum of the Earth! I’ll tear your throat out,” Taehyung screamed as he shook off Jungkook and lunged at the captured vampire. Taehyung slashed a giant gash in the middle of Hoseok’s chest, spewing blood everywhere.

“If I die, so do they,” Hoseok said nonchalantly as Taehyung was about to sink his fangs into his jugular. That made Taehyung reluctantly pause and shrink back.

“Taehyung, you can have the honor of killing this piece of shit after I’m done talking to him,” Yoongi stated, “Your name is Hoseok?”

“Jung Hoseok, at your service. I’m thinking of J-Hope as a street name if I decide to make my dancing skills public. Not to brag, but I’m also the strongest vampire to ever live. I normally don’t bleed this much, it’s embarrassing,” Hoseok looked away bashfully as blood flowed freely from his chest.

“Why did you say that if you die we die?” Yoongi asked with urgency. 

“Well because there are roughly 100 vampires who haven’t fed in a month waiting at my command. My dominion over them is the only thing keeping you safe. With me gone, they’ll be free from their invisible leashes,” Hoseok smiled.

“Nothing is stopping us from dragging your sorry ass away from here,” Jungkook snarled.

“You think they’ll idly sit by and watch their master be whisked away in shackles? I can tell who wasn’t top of their class,” Hoseok giggled. 

“What was the deal you had in mind?” Yoongi kept up his stoic act.  

“Total immunity. I’ll even have all 100 henchmen kill themselves as a show of good faith,” Hoseok flashed a sly smile. 

“No can do, I already promised Taehyung he could kill you,” Yoongi sighed.

“Is he part of the VEC? The deal would have to last for the rest of eternity between me and the VEC. If I die in a vampire fight then that’s on me,” Hoseok tilted his head in confusion. 

“Give me a minute to discuss this with my colleagues,” Yoongi said before leading you and Jungkook to the opposite side of the room, “What do we do? His offer seems too good to be true.”

“It seems fair since he said he’d kill off his henchman on his own. I’m sure Taehyung can kick his ass,” Jungkook added. 

“And if Tae loses? Then we have nothing that’ll stop him from killing us. It’s too risky. I don’t trust him one bit,” you concluded. 

“We can’t possibly win against him plus 100 starving vampires. We’ll be dead meat in seconds,” Yoongi argued. 

Meanwhile, Taehyung looked down in disgust at Hoseok as they had their own conversation.

“I think we were fated to be together. I never thought you’d be here,” Hoseok batted his eyes at Taehyung.

“You’re lucky they’re here to stop me. Otherwise you’d regret letting me live,” Taehyung snapped.

“So why are you here? I’m guessing it has something to do with that girl. Don’t tell me, did you turn her?” Hoseok’s eyes grew large, “Wow, you’ve grown stronger than I could have hoped! If we combine our powers we can rule this world.”

“You’re delusional if you think I’d join you after all of this.”

“Then I’ll enjoy tearing apart your plaything in front of your eyes,” Hoseok smirked. 

“If you lay a finger on her then I’ll--”

“We’ll accept your terms after a few more clarifications,” Yoongi interrupted, “First of all, we don’t think we can trust you. After all, you wiped out the VEC HQ. I have no doubt that the global branches have fallen as well. There’s nothing stopping you from killing us as soon as we let you free.”

“We both know that you never would have agreed to meet with me if I hadn’t done anything drastic. I needed to get rid of the grunts to get to the King, simple as that. Believe me, if I wanted you dead you all would have been slain the moment your fancy plane landed,” Hoseok shrugged.

“Then why did you let us live? Why go through the trouble?” Jungkook questioned.

“For the drama of it all, dear boy. When you get to be as old as I am, living gets boring. I’m not sure if you could tell, but I live for theatrics and thrill. Oh and I’m planning on taking over the world or whatever,” Hoseok admitted happily. 

“And you think we’d let you get away with that?” Yoongi scoffed.

“I’m simply offering you a little peace offering. Of course I wouldn’t hurt you three, and you’re all welcome to kill any vampires that come across your path. It’s more of a mutual immunity actually. This benefits you people more than me. If you disagree, you’re dead anyway,” Hoseok smiled wide enough to show off his fangs.

“Fine. The VEC accepts your terms. You have my word that the VEC will never harm you,” Yoongi declared, “But first, we must see your troops fall with our own eyes.”

“Pleasure doing business with you, I knew you’d be smart. And that’s fair,” Hoseok whistled and the ground began to rumble as an army of vampires came running into the throne room. 

The soldiers made orderly lines and awaited their orders. Some of them salivated at the sight of your party, but they didn’t dare move an inch without permission. They were the most ravenous vampires you’ve ever seen, and would want to avoid fighting them at all cost.

“My dear underlings. You have all served me well. You’ll be in my heart as I create a new world. I ask one last thing of you. Rip out your own heart to show your devotion to me. May your souls rest in peace,” Hoseok gave a short uninspiring speech.

You watched in horror as the army chanted “Long Live Hoseok” along with random whoops and hollers. They were extremely lively and hyped up as they plunged their own fists into their chests. Fountains of red erupted across the room as they ripped out their own hearts. You let out a sigh of relief as you watched the last soldier fall. 

“That was wild,” Jungkook said with a deer in headlights expression. 

“Really makes you feel something huh? A deals a deal,” Hoseok chirped up expectantly. 

Hoseok was tackled to the ground as soon as he was released. Taehyung yelled with fury as he reopened the nearly healed gash he inflicted earlier. Hoseok reacted by hurling Taehyung into the opposite wall. 

“I haven’t had a real fight in ages. Don’t disappoint me, Taehyung,” Hoseok laughed as he spat out blood.

A rock was hurled at incredible speed from where Taehyung landed. Hoseok was quick enough to dodge the rock, but not Taehyung. Once again, the vampires were on the ground and Taehyung was aiming for Hoseok’s throat. Jungkook shot a blessed bullet into Hoseok’s leg, causing him to howl out in pain.

Hoseok tossed Taehyung aside with newfound strength as his eyes glowed red. He set his sights on Jungkook and his lips curled up into an evil smile.

“You dare to break the contract, boy? I’m gonna make you regret that,” Hoseok warned.

Another blessed bullet lodged itself into Hoseok’s back, making him crumple to the ground. He turned in distress to see you wielding the gun with a cocky smirk plastered on your face. Yoongi kicked him onto his back, and spat in his face. With a quick motion of his arm, a wooden stake peeked out of the opening of his sleeve. With a yell, he plunged the wooden stake into Hoseok’s chest.

“Filthy liars,” Hoseok sputtered as blood dribbled down his chin.

“We agreed that the VEC would never harm you. However, you singlehandedly dismantled the company and the establishment is no more. I was the headmaster, but now I’m just a jobless son of a bitch,” Yoongi said triumphantly as he pushed the stake deeper.  

“We did it Yoongles!” you cheered before you heard the sounds of bones breaking. The smile dropped from your face instantly as you zipped over to Yoongi.

“An eye for an eye. Well played, Mr. Min Yoongi,” Hoseok croaked with his hand buried in Yoongi’s chest.

Taehyung quickly decapitated Hoseok with a strong kick. Hoseok’s body turned to dust as his head rolled across the floor for a few seconds before it also reverted to nothingness. 

“Yoongi! Yoongi!” you cried as you cradled him in your arms. Warm blood gushed out of his chest as he struggled to keep his eyes open. Jungkook sank to his knees beside you and held onto Yoongi’s hand. 

“Taehyung, go start up the jet! We have to get him to a hospital!” you demanded with tears running down your cheeks.

“He doesn’t know how to,” Jungkook said softly, trying to comfort you.

“We have to help him!” you sobbed. 

“___,” Yoongi whispered weakly. 

“Shhh, you’ll be okay. Don’t speak,” you begged. 

“Love...you...Be...happy…,” Yoongi rasped before gagging on his own blood. 

You and Jungkook cried over Yoongi’s body for a long time after it had gone cold. Jungkook held you as you cried into his chest as you soiled his clothes with tears and snot. To be fair, his tears and snot ended up all over your hair. Taehyung wanted to comfort you, but he knew Jungkook was a better fit for this job. Afterall, Yoongi was special to both of you. He was the parent neither of you had, and always took care of you guys in his own special way. 

After the sobs subsided, you and Jungkook stared blankly at the body before you. You’ve always been surrounded by death, it never bothered you. You didn’t need emotions in this line of work. You never thought you could feel pain like this. 

“He was a hero. I’m sorry for your loss,” Taehyung finally spoke as he placed a hand on both of your shoulders to show his condolences.

“Thanks, Tae.”

“Thanks, Fangs,” both you and Jungkook said in unison. 

Yoongi was buried outside of the castle, in the clearing where the private jet landed. There were no fancy rituals or blessings. Only a few words of gratitude uttered by both you and Jungkook. It was still too soon to say much more before either of you would start crying again. The feelings were there, and that’s all that mattered. 

The sun began to rise as the three of you sat inside the private jet in silence. You were lost. The VEC was truly no more. The biggest vampire threat (that you weren’t even aware of until a few days prior) was defeated.  Now what?

“What are you going to do now?” you asked Jungkook. 

“No clue. I guess I’ll travel. I have nothing else to do,” he shrugged, “What about you guys?”

“I think I want to open up a flower shop,” you said absentmindedly.

“A flower shop? Like the one Yoongi set up for you?” Jungkook was confused. 

“Yeah. I can either try to make that one work or start up my own elsewhere. I don’t know. I just think that would...make me happy,” you answered softly.

“Would you like some help with that?” Taehyung asked as he interlocked his fingers with yours. 

“Who else is gonna teach me how to make such beautiful bouquets? Plus I don’t have a green thumb so I’ll need you to help keep the plants alive until we can sell them,” you answered and squeezed Taehyung’s hand. 

“It’ll suck now that we don’t have a job but--wait,” Jungkook scrolled on his phone, “___, check your bank account.” 

You stared in disbelief at the obscene amount of extra zeros that had magically appeared in your balance. Yoongi must have transferred what was left of the VEC funds to you and Jungkook at some point. Thinking about Yoongi looking out for you one final time made you tear up again. 

“I’ll drop you guys off wherever you want. I’m assuming neither of you know how to fly so I’m calling dibs on the private jet,” Jungkook stood up.

“Bold of you to assume I don’t have a piloting license, but you can take it since Taehyung hates flying,” you rolled your eyes at Jungkook before continuing, “Tae do you want to go back to your estate?”

“We don’t have to. I like the idea of starting anew,” Taehyung smiled.

“How does Paris sound?” you offered. 

“C’est magnifique. I’m sure we’ll find a way to start a successful flower shop there,” Taehyung nodded in agreement. 

It had been five years since the VEC was destroyed. You never knew what a normal life was like, but now you wouldn’t trade it for the world. Sure, your new “normal” still technically wasn’t normal since you needed to consume blood to live and the sun was your mortal enemy, but you made it work. 

Business was booming. “Min’s Blossoms” was the name of your flower shop, and every day was an adventure. Having Taehyung as your business partner proved to be more beneficial than you thought. Other than his floral expertise, his appearance is what really got the business off the ground. Apparently, rumors of a mysterious and handsome man who worked at a local flower shop were being spread around the city. Women flocked to the store to catch a glimpse of Taehyung, and soon they all started buying flowers just for a chance to talk to him. Taehyung was worried that that might upset you, but you reassured him that you were happy that the store was doing so well so early on.

Now Min’s Blossoms had become part of the Paris landscape along with all the other little fancy boutiques. Taehyung was in charge of putting together orders, while you handled most of the business side. Your teamwork was impeccable and made even the busiest days enjoyable. 

“Are you happy?” Taehyung asked one morning while in bed.

“Honestly, I didn’t think it was possible to be this happy,” you rolled over to kiss his forehead.

“Do you ever miss your old life?” he prodded.

“Why so many questions today? As much as I loved brutally murdering monsters and constantly putting my life on the line, I would say no. This life is more pleasant. How ironic is it that I had to die in order to truly live,” you stared off into the distance as you uttered that last sentence.

“My apologies, I only wanted to ask since I know you tend to get pensive during this time of the year,” Taehyung stroked your cheek. 

“Thanks for always being so sweet to me. I love you, Tae,” you whisper before leaning in for a kiss. 

What started as an innocent kiss soon turned into something more tainted when your hand found its way to Taehyung’s already hard cock (who knew vampires can still get morning wood?). He didn’t let you take the lead as he pushed you flat on your back and pressed his thigh against your cunt. You giggled as he kissed a trail down your neck and over your collarbones as he fondled your breasts. He latched his mouth onto one of your breasts and his tongue swirled around your nipple as his free hand ripped off your panties. 

Taehyung’s fingers slipped inside you easily since you were already sopping wet for him. He smirked as the curl of his fingers made you moan and squirm beneath him. Taehyung pulled away from your breast with a satisfying “pop” and slid down to face your bare pussy. He licked shallow stripes along your folds to tease you, and let out a low chuckle when you whined for more. He placed a finger on your clit and started to rub it rapidly, not giving you any time to adjust to the intense sensation. It only took a few seconds before you were moaning and shaking at his touch.

Taehyung wasn’t finished. He went back to eating you out while pumping two fingers inside of you. The overstimulation had you seeing stars. You cried out as you came again, drenching his chin with your juices. Taehyung gave you a satisfactory grin as he rose from between your legs to align his dick with your dripping pussy.

You groaned as he filled you up. He went slow at first, his eyes closed with pleasure. You gazed at him fondly while he fucked you. He was so beautiful even when your cum was on his chin and his sweaty hair was stuck to his forehead. Taehyung opened his eyes and looked down at you with a smile. He leaned forward to kiss you once more as he snapped his hips against you. 

“You’re gonna make fun of me for cumming so soon. But I can’t help it when you’re wetter than usual,” he panted as his strokes became sloppier. 

“I won’t complain, you already made me cum this morning, now it’s your turn,” you answered between moans. Taehyung grunted as he came inside of you, his hot semen filling you up. He gave you one final kiss before collapsing beside you. 

“You know, you never told me how I saved your life,” you said after a while.

“Hmm?” Taehyung hummed.

“You mentioned it the night you turned me,” you clarified. 

“Ah, yes. My life had been meaningless for a long time before you came. For a while I was contemplating on ending it myself. But you came along and rescued me. You gave me purpose again,” he explained.

“Wow. Not to be cheesy, but you did the same for me. Honestly my life was mundane before you,” you blushed.

“Surely the best vampire hunter in the world led an exciting life,” Taehyung teased. 

“I suppose I did, but I would take a lifetime with you over it any day,” you smiled, “I love you, my little vampire.”

“I love you too, ___. There’s no one else I’d rather spend eternity with.”

Published December 14, 2020. No editing, copying, translating, or reposting allowed. All Rights Reserved © 2020 Baepsaesbae.

[nemycchi]

Delusion

A Childe X Lumine Fanfiction

Rating : Not Rated

Tags : Psychological, Mild Angst, Character Death

----

During moments of utter silence, Childe recalls that which Lumine once told him about a book she had read from a far away land. 

"It is of utmost importance that those who seek to fight monsters must not become one in the process." 

He likes to think that perhaps, by mentioning it, she had once hoped that he would be reminded of his main aspiration—to conquer the world that is, and not to simply bathe in the blood of his enemies. 

It has its merits, he admits—for he finds himself fighting alongside her during the turning point of the war, the darkness in him dampened by the white light she emits—cleansing the corruption that has resided in him for the longest time. 

This too though, reminds him of another of her words. 

"The deep dark abyss—stare for too long and it would stare back to those who dare." 

It is true, for he knows that ever since he dropped down that hole in the world, he emerged as a monster that is only tamed by bloodshed. 

And from the moment he knew Lumine, perhaps by her as well. 

He has always carried a portion of that so-called abyss, feeling its vines wrapping inside his very being. He is a monster, that much is true, but tamed as one can be, he became a tool under her commands. 

He does not care, for it is times with her when the whispers of the dark become muted—turned into nothing but echoes of the past. 

"Childe? Breakfast?" 

The man spies her slender form by the doorframe of his bedroom, sees her domestically ushering his sleepy person into the kitchen and he feels as though he had achieved that which he desires, with her by his side. 

To conquer the world. 

They did. They won. And it was all that he could ask for. 

Celestia is no more. The abyss is no more. It is just him, Lumine and the rest of the world. 

He smiles as he sits down at the table, reaching for her hand as she places the bowl of steaming Calla Lily Seafood Soup before him. 

"Oh, my favorite. What's the occasion, girlie?"

"Mhm, nothing in particular. Just wanted to cook something special for you." she smiles back and he thinks he saw the glimmer of stars beyond her eyes. 

Or perhaps it was nothing but an illusion, masking the deeper end of the void he is familiar with—if such end even existed. 

Childe shakes his head for he believes that that is not the case. Lumine is here with him. And the abyss is no more. It is no more. 

And if the calling of that dark bud inside him grows too strong anyhow, he knows she is here to defeat it for him. 

For she is also perhaps a monster in her own rights. 

 

--☆☆☆--

 

The bags under his eyes, and the haunted looks in his face tell everyone that he is far from recovered but everytime someone comes to ask him how he is faring, he will do nothing but face them with a smile before answering. 

"I'm very much fine! Lumine takes good care of me." 

If there were curious glances sent his way, he does not care. They must be seething inside—jealous that it was him who conquered her heart by the end of it all. 

The savior and the reformed harbinger.

What a perfect love story—great as a tale to pass down from generations to generations. He sighs at the thought. 

"Childe, pardon my query but I must ask—how have you truly been?" 

He already lost count of how many times the same question had been asked of him. 

He stops walking—to face the former Geo Archon a few steps behind. 

"I do not understand why everyone keeps on asking the same question. I already told you i'm fine, didn't I?" 

Oh how he hates it when they ask—as if they were doubting his princess' ability to care for him, for it was her who has been on his bed, in his kitchen, in his very house ever since the world achieved true peace. 

They do not understand just how capable Lumine is. 

And they will never know, if he has anything to say. 

"Though we are but friends, I must express my deep concern. The dips on your cheeks beg to differ from that which you uttered." 

The blue in his eyes shift into something malicious, to that belonging to the beast he keeps inside. 

"With all due respect, Mr. Zhongli. I do not appreciate the implications of what you just said. You asked and I answered." He pauses. 

The abyss is no more for Lumine is with him. 

"I shall be going now. My wife is waiting for me at home." 

As he walks away, he ignores the burning gaze on his back. It's fine. That former god does not matter. 

What matters is him and Lumine while the rest of the world could go crash and burn, he thinks. 

 

--☆☆☆--

 

"Tough day at work?" 

Childe sidles up to her side, wrapping an arm around the apron-covered waist of his beloved. He kisses her temple with reverence—for it is what she deserves. 

"Not really. It was just Mr. Zhongli. And others. Being annoyingly repetitive as always." He grumbles, tucking her head under his chin. 

The small hand resting atop his chest tightens against his clothes. 

"Do they... not approve of me?" She asks almost inaudibly. 

He was quick to deny the preposterous thought. 

"Don't listen to them. They do not matter, girlie." 

Childe feels her shift and he looks down at her. 

Golden pools decorated by the glittering of stars—of tears, he realizes, meet his abyssal depths. 

"Are you... are you going to leave me?" 

He brushes the hair out of her forehead and tucks the strays behind her ears before promptly brushing away the tears that cascaded from her eyes. 

"Never. You are mine, Lumine. As much as I am yours." 

Even the sweetest wine cannot compare to the smile that adorns her face after his declaration. She buries her head on his chest once more, arms crossing behind him, bestowing him with nothing else but warmth. 

Childe thinks for a second, that this moment is perhaps the best there is in the world. And he knows he is ruined for anything else.

It is impossible to feel anything akin to this feeling and he strongly believes that the desire to even experience it from others aside his princess does not exist anymore. 

 

--☆☆☆--

 

The sound of deliberate knocking at the door rouses the harbinger from his sleep. Childe growls in annoyance at whoever is behind that piece of wood as he untangles his limbs from the goddess laying beside him. 

He kisses the top of her head before deciding to rise and check who their visitor is. 

He stills when the one in front of his humble abode makes himself known. 

Zhongli, of course. 

"Mr. Zhongli, why the early visit?" 

The man only hums before crossing his arms, pinning him with a serious gaze. 

"May I come in, Childe?"

"Ah, of course." 

He lets him in and ushers the former archon to the couch. Upon sitting, the latter immediately scans his surroundings with vague concern in his eyes. 

"I must say, your house is surprisingly empty and devoid of life, Childe."

"What do you mean? I think it's pretty homey. Lumine designed it by herself when she first got here." 

A frown makes its way to the other man's lips. 

"Childe, can we talk?" 

He stiffens, tone changing into a defensive one. 

"We are talking, are we not?" He spats.

"Why don't you ask Lumine to come down here with us?" 

He summons one of his water blades. 

"Why exactly are you here, Zhongli?"

"Call Lumine, Childe." 

In a flash, the water blade comes in contact with the polearm that materialized in front of the visitor. 

"Why. Are. You. Here?" He asks, hostile in every way as he accents each word with a swing of his blade—all thankfully parried. 

"I need you to understand, Childe." Zhongli calls forth a jade shield that rattled even the sturdy walls of the other man's home. 

A water spear slams against the shield. 

"That Lumine..." 

Yet another side step, perfectly timed to avoid the beast cloaked in water suddenly crackling with electricity. 

"Stop it!" It yells. 

But Zhongli is not known for being gentle. The wrath of the rock and the harsh truth—both must be laid out for him to save the monster disguised as a man. 

"Is no longer with us." 

A beat passes.

"She's gone, Childe. And you must accept that fact."

"No!" 

And like that, the man surges forward with the fury enough to fuel wars. 

The walls crumble and the terrified shrieks of townsfolk in the immediate vicinity sound off but Childe could no longer care. 

Him and Lumine. The rest of the world does not matter. 

His mind goes blank with nothing but white hot anger, and he brandishes his weapon with renewed vigor. 

"Take it back." He quietly demands, voice distorted. 

Instead of complying, multiple stone steles rise up from the pavement, obscuring the two men from prying eyes. 

"Everyone grieves for her departure, I assure you. We are hurt as much as you are." A water blade makes contact with the archon's cheek and he winces as response, "but she chose to sacrifice herself for this world's peace and she will not be happy if she sees you rotting away to your demise, Childe."

"You—you don't know anything! Do not lie! Lumine..." A crack in his composition and Zhongli is quick to take advantage of it. 

All at once, like a puppet with strings cut off, Childe falls forward when Zhongli's polearm strikes down his chest. The accumulated hunger and fatigue from weeks of barely holding on to her memory suddenly come crashing down upon his person. 

Empty plates and sweet nothings. 

Cold bed and pristine kitchen. 

Unused scarf with the color of the skies and the clouds—like the view he's witnessing right now. 

Stare into the abyss, and it stares back at you—its remnants staying within, slowly consuming that which it latches on to. 

The abyss is no more—or so he believes. 

"Lumine... she promised me." he whispers into the wind. 

The rustling of cloth distracts him from his thoughts. 

"Do not lean too close to that edge, Childe. I beg you, not as your friend, but as Lumine's—please, do stay with us." 

Before his eyes closed, he heard the call from the deep dark abyss of the waters. 

The sea is calm. And he couldn't care less about the rest of the world. 

Him and Lumine, he thinks. Him and Lumine.

[gemmaswriting]

Anidala Fanfiction Recommendations!!

I’ve been asked for a long time for my fanfiction recommendations, so I’ve finally taken the time to compile them. If there are any you love that I missed out (this includes Vaderdala!) leave them as a reply so we can all have a good time reading together. 

Writer: Shelivesfree (fanfiction profile) This wonderful girl has some of the most amazing Anidala stories I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Unfortunately, a lot of them have been hiatus for a while but her Boy Next Door trilogy has two amazing parts completed. 

The stories I recommend: 

“The Boy Next Door”: “When Padme Naberrie returns to her home after 10 years, the last thing she expects to find is her childhood friend, Anakin Skywalker; the boy next door. But 10 years is a long time, and he has changed more than she is prepared for. How will she react when little Ani is now a grown man, impulsive, handsome and completely infatuated with her? Modern AU.”

“The Girl from Harvard”: “Sequel to ‘The Boy Next Door’ Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It also makes it grow more paranoid. Padme is in her last year of Harvard. Anakin has just started at the University of Chicago. Though they won't admit it, their long-distance relationship is taking it's heavy toll. Will their love prevail or will the distance prove too much for both of them? Sequel to The Boy Next Door. Modern AU.”

“look into my eyes, that's where my demons hide”:  ”Each time he comes back to her, a little piece of him is missing... left out there, in the field, with his brothers. She can see it in the way he smiles and it doesn't reach his eyes. In the way he cries to himself when he thinks she's not awake. And all she can do is hold him. Modern AU.”

“I Know Your Type”  “Am I dead?" It slips out, accidentally. She turns her head towards me, a confused look on her face and tips her head. "Excuse me?" Flashing her an impish grin, I lean casually against the wall. "I must have died and gone to heaven, because you look like an angel." The look she gives me is far from impressed. "Do you use that with all the girls, or am I just lucky?"

“we both know what we want, so why don't we fall in love?” “Rhythmic Gymnast Padme Naberrie has dreamed of being an Olympian since she was five years old. Now, after years and years of training and preparations, she's finally made it to Rio, and nothing is going to stand in the way between her and a gold medal. Except a certain Canadian beach volleyball player, perhaps.”

“Infinite” “ My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.”

“for a moment” “And, just for a moment, all the worries and concerns that troubled the young couple cease to exist. Fade away to just this. Husband and wife. Asleep. Dreaming of the sweet little life they will soon bring into the world and into their hearts. Set somewhere in ROTS.”

“Procrastination” “Padmé is busy with a new bill she must bring before the next Senate meeting. Her husband has other ideas, it would seem.”

“There’s a million reasons I should give you up”  “Padmé struggles to deal with Anakin's frequent departures for weeks, even months, at a time during the Clone Wars. It's in these moments she contemplates the practicality of their marriage. Grief-stricken with loneliness, she stumbles across something she wrote a long time ago... a list of sorts. The find brings about a whole host of emotions she'd rather not deal with.”

“all I need is you” “It was her fault. His pain, his jealousy, his insecurity. It was all her fault. Padme looked up at the beautiful man in front of her, her husband, her Ani, and decided she needed to make him remember. Remind him of how much she loved him. Because no one, no man in the entire galaxy, could take the place of Anakin Skywalker.” 

“Her” “A glimpse into the Cosmic Force after Darth Vader's redemption and return to the Light Side. Anakin Skywalker is consumed by guilt and Obi-wan and Yoda are there to appease him. But it's been twenty-four years and all he wants is to see her.” 

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  Writer: SphinxScribe (Fanfiction profile/ Tumblr account @sphinxscribe ) This fantastic writer has many, many alternate takes on the plot of Revenge of the Sith - often allowing our favourite couple to have a happy ending. Their writing captures the world of Star Wars perfectly. 

The stories I recommend: 

“Where Catalysts Stand Down” “Palpatine issues Order 66, and Anakin and Padmé flee Coruscant. ROTS AU. Anakin/Padmé, Anidala.”

“Viability’s Edge” “Anakin tells Obi-Wan the truth. ROTS AU. Anakin/Padmé, Anidala.”

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Writer: Disco Shop Girl (Fanfiction profile) This writer’s take on Anidala is so well written within every story of theirs I have read. They truly capture their dynamic and relationship perfectly. 

The stories I recommend:

“Your helmet cracked” “He'd been restrained, forced to watch while her helmet cracked and the Mon Calamari sea water threatened to drown her before his eyes. Now they're free. And alone. Set at the end of the Clone Wars season 4 Water War arc.” 

“Order 66-S” “The order was to exterminate all Jedi: Past, Present and Future. Captain Rex has a different plan. Order 66-S: to save General Skywalker.”

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Writer: Rogue Darth Skywalker (Fanfiction profile/ Tumblr - @roguedarthskywalker) This wonderful person has been one of the biggest supporters of my own writing for a long time and I value them immensely! They have many delicious Anidala/Vaderdala stories for you to obsess over for hours and hours. I highly recommend following both profiles linked above.

The stories I recommend:

“Pin up Problems” “He hated the nose art. He hated seeing others degrade her other exceptional qualities by depicting her as some pin up girl. He hated thinking about how many other beings across the stars fantasized about her in such a way. At the same time, he can't deny that the art makes her look… hot. He can't deny that the sight turns him on.”

“Letting Go” “It was their custom. Every year on that fateful day, Anakin would make his way to the cemetery with his children and seek out the mausoleum where she rested."

“Far from Perfect” “Darth Vader is dead. Anakin is redeemed and lives on Naboo with Padme and their children. But not all happy endings are perfect.”

“Far from Easy” “Sequel to Far From Perfect. Redeemed Anakin Skywalker tries to make things right with his wife and kids.

“Perfect” “Happy Family style AU post ROTS. Padme wakes up in the middle of the night and ponders the most recent events in her life.”

“A Dangerous Fantasy” “Pure Smut. Padme helps Anakin fulfil a fantasy he has had since they were married- one that involves the Jedi Council Chambers.”

“Untitled” “Anakin and Padme deal with having to tell their young twins they are having another baby.”

“Strictly Professional” “There are times she hates that she has to resort to this- that rather than being in a long term relationship with someone, she chose to instead pay someone for sex. Modern AU.”  

“Out of his Depth” “I fought in a war. I commanded legions of soldiers against battle droids. I think I can handle my own four-year-old twins."

“Love and Jealousy” “Anakin gave the binders an experimental tug, testing his chances of escaping. There was none. A light chuckle left his lips after a few moments, letting his head fall back to rest on the chair. What a compromising position for a Jedi Knight to be in. Handcuffed in a respected senator's bedchambers practically naked… oh, how the holonews would rave should the story get out!” 

“Against all Odds” “He shouldn't be here. The election was only a few weeks away and the final debate was due in the next few days. There were so many other things he should be doing. He shouldn't be here, in enemy territory wrapped in the arms of the woman his boss despised. Modern AU. Smut.” 

“What we Hope is Never Found” “The impending existence of a recording of them together held dangers that went a little deeper than if they were found naked and tangled together in her office or on his cruiser. The physical proof of their relationship would cause an uproar if it were discovered. But she trusted Anakin. Smut.”

“It was Found” “Sequel to What We Hope is Never Found.”

“Things that go bump in the night” “Luke and Leia think there is a ghost in their home. Their parents know better.”

“Preparations” “She couldn't wait to meet their little ones. It hadn't been too long since they learned she was having twins, and as stressful as that idea was at first, she was quickly growing accustomed to the idea of having two perfect little babies. Her husband, however, seemed to be taking it a little worse than her.” 

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Writer: Skywalkersamidala (Archive of our Own profile/ Tumblr @markantonys) I absolutely adore the Anidala stories created by this author whether they’re aus or canon! They nail the couple’s dynamic throughout their many wonderful stories. 

The stories I recommend:

“Snow Place like Home” “For genre-typical convoluted reasons involving ill-timed blizzards, Padmé is forced to spend the holidays at Anakin's house. Anakin isn't as upset about his boss staying with him for Christmas as he probably should be.“

“Soulmates R Us” “Anakin works at a toy store, and single-mother-of-twins Padmé is becoming one of the store's best customers.”

“Heirs of Light and Darkness” “After escaping the Jedi purge two years ago made him the most wanted fugitive in the galaxy, Anakin Skywalker has at last been captured by the Empire. He expects to be killed, but Lady Padmé Amidala, the imperial heir, has other ideas.”

“Friendly Competition” “Playing Quidditch is awfully difficult when you’re in love with the rival Seeker. Snapshots of Anakin and Padmé’s 7 years at Hogwarts.“

“Perfect” “The war is over, Luke and Leia are five years old, and Anakin and Padmé finally have the peaceful life and big family they've always dreamed of. But their life is about to get a little less peaceful and their family a little bigger.“

“Nos Cedamus Amori“ “Anakin is a gladiator and a slave. Padmé is the wife of the Roman emperor's heir. Circumstances should never even allow them to meet, let alone fall in love.“

“I Do Take Two” “Thirty years after their clandestine wedding on Naboo, Anakin and Padmé decide to finally do the proper wedding ceremony they never got to have, with all their friends and family present.“

“Flat Tire” “Who knew something as simple as getting a flat tire could change the entire course of your life?“

“Strays” “Anakin had always had a penchant for taking in strays.”

“Five weddings and a funeral” “Padmé's feeling gloomy about her perpetual singleness, but everything changes when she meets an attractive stranger at her sister's wedding.“

“Pipe Dream” “Padmé's new plumber is the most attractive human being she's ever laid eyes on, so naturally, she keeps faking plumbing emergencies so she can keep seeing him.“

“Birthdays and Birth days” “Anakin gets a birthday surprise — two of them, in fact.“

“Spouses with Benefits” “Anakin and Padmé wake up after a wild night in Vegas and discover they accidentally got married—and that Ahsoka posted about it all over social media, so now every single person they know is texting and calling them to offer congratulations. They decide to save face by pretending the marriage was totally 100% intentional and not a drunk mistake at all, keeping up the charade for six months, and then quietly getting divorced. But a lot can change in six months…“

“Two Halves Make a Whole” “Anakin is the single dad of Luke. Padme is the single mom of Leia. Luke and Leia meet in kindergarten and become best friends. The rest is history.“

“Home” “In which "Darth Vader" is no more than Anakin's playtime alter ego (happy Skywalker family AU)“

“Someday” “At age fourteen, Padme receives a marriage proposal from the nine-year-old boy next door and tells him to ask her again when she's thirty. Surely he'll have forgotten all about it by then.“

“Across the Centuries” “They meet each other in every century, but something always goes wrong before they can make it to happily-ever-after.”

“Madam President” “Between late nights and headaches and mountains of paperwork and fierce opposition from her political opponents, President Padmé Amidala already had enough on her plate. And then she just had to go and fall for one of her bodyguards, a relationship which would ruin her reputation and his career if anyone were to find out about it. Also, someone's trying to kill her.“

“Scars” “How do Anakin and Padmé go from "I love you" to "I do"? Missing scene from Attack of the Clones.”

“The Bet” “Anakin's had a crush on Padmé since fourth grade, and after putting up with his pining for seven years, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka are finally stepping in and making a bet that he can't ask her to junior prom in the spring. Meanwhile, Padmé is realizing that Anakin isn't as annoying as she'd always thought. In fact, her feelings towards him are starting to go in quite the opposite direction...”

“Three” “His and Padmé’s first wedding anniversary isn’t going nearly as well as Anakin had hoped it would. Until, suddenly, it’s so much better than he could have ever imagined.“

“The Anakin Disaster” “Padmé is mortified upon waking up beside her strictly platonic childhood best friend Anakin Skywalker the morning after a drunken one-night stand. A couple weeks later, she discovers that's the least of their problems.“

“Will You Fake Marry Me?” “Anakin's boss may or may not have accidentally given her family the impression that she's engaged to him. Anakin may or may not be pleased about the situation”

“Aggressive Negotiations” “Empress Amidala invites Lord Vader to her private rooms to persuade him to form an alliance with the Empire. Her methods are very effective.”

“Troubling Implications” “Perhaps he hated himself for it—Padmé thought he probably did—but he came that night (several times, in fact). And the night after that, and the next one, and the next, until it became a habit that neither of them seemed especially inclined to break. (Sequel to "Aggressive Negotiations")

“Imperial Obligations” “Padmé's advisors suggest that she get rid of Vader and make a politically advantageous marriage. The Empress is less than pleased. (Sequel to "Aggressive Negotiations" and "Troubling Implications")”

“Welcome Home” “Anakin Skywalker closes his eyes on the face of his son. When he opens them again, he is in Naboo, and someone is waiting for him.“

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Writer: Shawn30 (Fanfiction profile) The one, the only, the deservedly famous! I think every Anidala fan is aware of this f a n t a s t i c writer’s work. Deliciously smutty. Unbelievably well written. Unfortunately, many of their works have been left uncompleted for years but the stories are still worth reading!

 “Whisper” “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but can also whither your soul and breed doubt in your heart. AP angsty erotica.”

“The Ties that Bind” “Given a brief period of time off during the Clone Wars, Padmé and Anakin visit her family at the Lake Country estate on Naboo. A family that still doesn't know they are married, although they are about to find out. Complete.” 

“The Light and the Dark” “Chapter 1 in the Hearts and Souls series. An unexpected Separatist attack 'accidentally' reunites two star-crossed lovers, giving them a brief moment of peace at a time of war. Complete.”

“Shadows of Winter” “Chapter 2 in the Hearts and Souls series. With six days to spend together celebrating their two year anniversary, Anakin and Padme travel separately to a remote planet in the Hoth system. Romance, passion, and danger await them. Complete.” 

 “Beloved” “Chapter 3 in the "Hearts and Souls" series. When faced with the most horrific news imaginable, Padme's utter desperation forces her to turn to Obi-Wan and even Chancellor Palpatine for help. Her greatest personal challenge awaits... Complete” 

 “Paradise” “The sequel to "Beloved." Following Padme's daring rescue of her husband, the Skywalker's return to Naboo for eight days to heal, unwind, spend time with family, and deal with their connection to the Dark Side of the Force.” 

 “Salvation” “After facing his moment of truth, Anakin and Padmé must finally deal with the consequences. Obi-Wan reveals a startling discovery. Complete” 

“Scandalous” “The sequel to Salvation. On the eve of Padmé Skywalker's official ascension to the role of Vice Chair of the Republic, Anakin steals her away for a wild vacation to Cloud City. Complete.”

“Sacred” “Chapter 2. Ahsoka and Jo'Seth grow closer. Padme's trip to the Jedi Temple on Republic business turns a bit more adventurous. Anakin and Obi-Wan have a heart to heart talk about moving forward.”

“Belonging” “A private afternoon lunch to catch up with an old friend during the Clone Wars reveals a great deal to ObiWan Kenobi. AP”

“Before the Seasons Change” “With the Darth Sidious finally defeated and the Clone Wars ended, Anakin and Padme consider what comes next in their lives. Anakin/Padme”

“Amor Vincit Omnia” “AU. After a three and a half year separation Vice Chair Amidala and Jedi Master Skywalker have some unfinished business as the Clone Wars have finally ended and Palpatine is dead.”

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If there’s any stories I missed, let me know!

[tothemeadow]

at least I’m trying

➜ pairing: rengoku kyoujuro x reader ➜ warnings: struggling with addiction, blood, death, angst with happy ending. ➜ words: 5k ➜ a/n: i post more of my works at @thgreatestblue!

@redgokus hi!! i worked very hard on this piece and i’m very pleased with how it turned out. i hope you like it as well!! happy holidays! ❤ 

summary: Smoking was almost like breathing underwater. Not that you didn’t feel like you have been drowning all your life. A gentle hand is all it takes for you to finally realize that maybe staying underwater wasn’t the best option. 

I.

The night was cold as the winter was right around the corner - the landscape changing ever so slowly but gradually. When you first came here, the flowers were blooming and growing strong in the garden while the bees flew by each one of them. The colors of the spring painted a beautiful portrait, making the scenery more lively than ever. The soil was a healthy shade of brown and the grass around the State was as soft as your feet could tell.

Mitsuri Kanroji was kind enough to let you stay. After she saved you from a Demon attack, you were brought to her house, and she took you under her wing - since there was nowhere and no one for you to return to. She had been so overwhelmingly kind and thoughtful of you - taking care of your injuries every day, cooking your favorite food - that to retribute her generosity, you decided to join the Demon Slayer Corps.

However, the memory still lingered like bad perfume. You father shielding you from demonic claws that attacked you two one night when coming back from the restaurant he used to work. All you can remember is the strong scent of cigarettes coming from him as he hugged you one last time.

And maybe that’s why you ended up here. With a cigarette between your lips, gazing at the sky on a peaceful night. The moon was hidden behind heavy clouds as the atmosphere darkened without its shine. Smoking was almost like breathing underwater. Not that you didn’t feel like you have been drowning all your life.

“You shouldn’t be smoking.”

A strong and very familiar voice comes from beside you - making you curse internally. His tone wasn’t particularly angry, but the indication was there. You turn your head to the left, lifting your body from the wall you were leaning on to face the owner of that voice - who has been on your mind more often than you would like to admit. The Flame Pillar was standing at the entrance of the house, his arms crossed over his chest, staring at you.

And you could swear every time he looked at you when there was a cigarette between your lips, his eyes would darken to a different shade – as if he was trying to burn the devil on your tongue through sheer power of his stare.

Sometimes, you wondered if that was even possible. Sometimes, like today, you were sure of it.

“If it’s going to put your heart at peace,” There’s a hint of sarcasm in your voice; it was almost like second nature by now, building walls around as soon as someone tried to take a look inside - and truth be told, it was quite a mess. You slowly blow the smoke out your mouth and nose, “I don’t do this frequently.”

Mitsuri’s State was one of the most frequented by the Pillars, since she was friends with probably all of them. Her personality was bubbly and sweet, it was easy to be around her - that’s why you had stayed in the first place. It was common to see them coming and going, mostly Obanai, Shinobu and Kyojuro.

Kyojurou’s bushy brows furrowed deeper. It wasn’t the first time you threw snarky comments like that at him. It wasn’t the first time he had seen you smoking either. Though, every time; without failing, he would hold his intense stare at you for a few seconds, a disapproving look written all over his face.

You would just shrug it off; making sure to take another drag before fiercely returning his stare with the same intensity. Sometimes he would look away first, sometimes you did. Although it was easy, pretending it didn’t turn your stomach all over and made you sick – thinking you didn’t have his respect - it still burned your wounds like fresh water. 

This was the first time he decided to speak his mind, though.

“What about your lungs?” He asks, stepping closer to where you are standing, eyes fixed on your hand that is holding the cigarette. Something twists inside you, heart skipping a beat. It wasn’t every day that a Pillar - the Flame Pillar above everyone else - would step in your personal space with accusing eyes that burned holes in your face. “It’s going to damage your breathing.”

You shift from one foot to another, looking anywhere but at the man who was right beside you now. Not that it made any difference; Kyojurou had a strong aura surrounding his being - it was overwhelming - the way he was graced with such a powerful presence and unshakeable will. The air is thick around you; the warmth of his body is noticeable even though there is a small distance between you two. 

Out of habit, you bring your hand towards your mouth for another drag. Anything to numb the confusing anxiety; the rise of your heartbeats, the heat on your neck that spreads to your cheeks that intensifies every second that his attention is on you. 

Before you could reach your mouth though, Kyojuro stops you, holding your wrist midway. It sends a shiver down your spine but you don’t back off; nor let it show how a single touch from him made you react so intensely.

“I’m going to die before facing the issue that comes with smoking, Flame Pillar.” You challenge him by trying to shake your hand off his grip, but it’s firm and strong, imprinting the heat of his big fingers on your bare skin. You knew you weren’t going to forget the feeling of his hands so soon; after all, fire always leaves imprints.

“What?” Finally looking at him, still annoyed by his interference but not exactly angry. It was a mix of feelings you didn’t want to separate and catalog just yet. 

Kyojuro’s golden and beautiful eyes stare at you with a piercing gaze; you don’t know if that’s a good sign or not. This close, you catch a hint of red at the seams of his iris that you’ve never noticed before - you have never been mere inches from his face before as well.

You can’t help but stare at him in return, silence falling between you two. His eyes burn bright against the dark of the night, consuming you all together. Kyojuro gently takes the cigarette from your fingers with his other hand and throws it on the ground, making sure to step on it to make his point as clear as water. 

You take a long breath, running your free hand through your hair, all this situation making you even more nervous. “You know I have more cigarettes with me, right?”

He sighs but doesn’t look resigned. Yet. For a second, you think he’s going to back off and continue on his way. Instead, he takes a deep and long breath, squeezing your wrist so slightly that if you weren’t so self aware of his touch you wouldn’t have noticed. Your heart skips another beat. 

“I’ve seen what addiction does to someone,” Kyojuro speaks, almost like a whisper; making you shiver with his lower tone, so close to you. Something crosses his eyes, a hint of sadness dripping down onto his words. “I would hate to see you going down that path.”

You swallow down, throat suddenly going dry. It wasn’t a secret, at least between the Pillars, that his father was addicted to alcohol; one of the reasons why he had dropped from the positions a few years ago. It wasn’t a secret that his wife’s death was such a low blow that never allowed Kyojuro’s father to get on his feet ever again. 

Mitsuri once said he had become a shell of himself, slowly drowning in his own grief between each bottle of alcohol. He had become a bitter man, nothing could make him happy, not even seeing his own child becoming a strong soldier, worthy enough to take his place. What once was pride and joy now was aches from a flame that burned too bright but lost its power too soon. 

Was Kyojuro worried that you would take the same path? Was he looking after you all this time, hoping he could change at least your fate? Does he truly care about you?

The back of your neck burns hot with the thought, your cheeks following after. The mere thought of Kyojuro thinking; worrying; looking after you is enough to send you to a dangerous place where you never dared putting a single foot on it. 

“I can stop whenever I want.” You look away, defeated. 

“Then do it.” Kyojuro encourages you, almost pleading. He cups your hand between his, the warmth of it is pleasing, soothing. “If not for you, do it for me.”

It’s almost comical how fast your eyes met his again, mind going blank with the request. If you were going to say something, you don’t know anymore. The only sound you can hear comes from your own heart, rapidly beating in your chest - and you hoped Kyojuro couldn’t hear them. If it wasn’t for his pinning stare and the weight of his calloused hands tenderly holding yours, you would be gone in a minute. 

Actually, you don’t know for how long you stayed there - lost on a trip to the sun. Where the golden rays burned your skin, stripped you down to the bone. Igniting an old purpose, almost faded from your memory - now catching fire and spreading throughout your whole being. 

He offers you a gentle smile, one that you can’t help but reciprocate, small and weak but as gentle. Kyojuro squeezes your hand one more time before letting go. You don’t want to admit, but his touch still lingers like a fresh burn scar, one that you would gladly ask for more. 

Only when you watch him walk away, you notice you weren’t breathing.

It’s a different type of drowning, you decide.

II.

You didn’t mean to. You really didn’t.

However, it happened. And now you felt like a complete idiot. The words came out of your mouth before you could slow them down, before you could chew them, making it easy to digest. A rampage you didn’t see it coming, which made everything worse.

It’s been two weeks since you stopped smoking. And even though you tried to convince yourself that you could do it at any given time; it turned out to be a far more difficult task than killing Demons. And above everything else, the lingering feeling that your father was slowly disappearing from your memories was something you couldn’t take. 

In the first few days it was quite easy; ignoring the way your body asked for just a simple drag. The way your mind started to play tricks with you, demanding a cigarette between your lips. Words of self-loathing, degradation; depressed thoughts that were a rarity; clouded by the smoke. Now, they were being whispered in your mind constantly - there wasn’t a barrier to stop them anymore.

The chatter started to become louder, progressively making your mood worse each day that you chose to not open your father’s small metal case filled with cigarettes before heading out to work. Not having something to hold on to, to distract yourself when an innocent life was taken, when blood dripped down your katana, when the sun would take too long to appear in the sky again - it was too much. The smell was the worst part, once clogged by the scent of nicotine, now was hitting your nostrils like a bullet – another barrier gone, leaving you out in the open.

You hadn’t noticed until now how smoking had become a part of your routine - part of who you were. How much you felt safe in the arms of the addiction. It helped you go through your job without problem, without a second thought. However, now you felt like a veil had lifted from your eyes, and you could see the world less misty, less foggy at the seams.

You weren’t sure if that was a good sign. Actually, no. It wasn’t.

The shakiness of your hands began to make it difficult to hold your katana. More often than not you found yourself missing the target, your eyes playing tricks with your vision, the anxiety taking over your body. A thin thread was the only thing holding your patience and self-control all together. 

Until Mitsuri pointed out your strange behavior that night. Although you knew she hadn’t meant to call you out; you were on the verge of a dilemma you didn’t want to be. Trying each day to stay clean was starting to seem impossible at this point. Anger and annoyance were bubbling inside you, every day waking up with a headache because you couldn’t sleep; having to deal with fatigue throughout the night - the thoughts about your father were driving you to the edge.

All it took was a small push for you to dive in. And the commentary - even though unharmful - was enough to finally push you into the abyss. Irritated, something inside you snapped, making you shout things you didn’t mean to, but came out of your own mouth anyway. Remembering the look on her face was enough to make you cry.

“Damn it!” The punch on the wall wasn’t enough to distract you from the growing conflict inside you. Dawn was coming soon enough but the night was still a nightmare. 

Smoking never bothered you, so why were you trying anyway? Why were you going through this torture if it wasn’t a problem to begging with? Everything was fine, you were doing fine. So why were you putting yourself through such pain and regret; when the only thing you got from this was even more problems?

You don’t think twice before grabbing the small metal case from your pocket. Even though you stopped smoking, you still carried it with you, it was enough to bring relief on days that the chatter in your head was too loud – having something to ground yourself in reality again.

With shaking hands, you open the case. There were still a few cigarettes inside, and like you did countless times, you picked one. The familiarity of the acts brings a sense of melancholy; putting the cigarette between your lips, lighting up the match.

However, this time you hesitate. The weight of the cigarette on your lips is heavy. The warmth of the fire next to your face isn’t as welcoming as it used to be. It was like coming back home but finding out that it’s empty, there’s nothing you can hold onto to make it better. 

You stare at the flames; the fire flicks with the wind, dancing between your fingers as it burns down the match. Still, you don’t light the cigarette. Dawn reflects on the embers and it reminds of big, golden eyes, vibrant red at the seams. Shining in the night, like a beacon. Warming up the day, like the sun.

You remember his words, his voice engraved in your mind when there was nothing to keep the spiraling thoughts at bay; cutting through them like the sharpest sword ever made.

Do it for me.

It’s so gentle that it makes your heart throb; the fragile state of it cracks, marking the intrinsic shape of your heart with thin fissures all over the form. But it doesn’t break. Yet.

“Dam it, Kyojuro.” But there is no anger in your voice.

You close your eyes, leaning on the wall. There’s a pleasant breeze hitting your face as the morning finally comes.

Resigned, you throw the cigarette on the ground.  

lll.

When the first snowflake fell from the sky into the cold of the night, your body shivered from head to toe. The haunting of the hills penetrating your clothes, into your skin and down to your bones; like the frigid weather of the winter. As the snow fell, you watched little puffs of white air coming out of your mouth; condensing into a misty plume, dancing in front of you in a torturous memory of smoke.

You tried to steady your breath, but not even the purest snow could bring you peace. 

The cold air burns your throat, pouring waves of agonizing cold into your lungs; burning on the inside. As you try to steady your breath, it starts to become a painful task at each minute; your hand is gripping the material of your clothes over your heart, the feeling of the beats reverberating through the night. 

The contrast between the heat of your body and the icy feeling of the snow is enough to make you melt, transforming you in a puddle of your own self as your knees hit the ground in a muffled thud. 

Winter is at its full, the moon casts a phantasmagory glimmer and everything seems like a faded memory from the past. One you tried to forget, but like a ghost, it never ceased to haunt you. Never allowed you to stray too far away from shore.

Two bodies lay in front of you. A father and a daughter. Staining the pure white snow with an evil shade of scarlet red. It’s ugly.

You watch helplessly as the blood slowly covers the snow; growing darker and bigger; the puddle of the still hot liquid hitting your knees sends another shiver down your spine. It makes you want to puke. 

The air doesn’t burn your throat anymore, but your lungs scream for something you can’t pinpoint. You watch as the streams of blood pour down the mountain, a river flowing down from its source; everything becomes faded as the shadows grow darker around the corner of your vision. The grip on your clothes is so tight your knuckles turn white.

There’s an incessant feeling in your stomach; turning and shifting from side to another. Flashes of memories overflow your mind; pouring down your heart and filling your veins like poison. At this point you should be used to drowning in those feelings, but they still take your breath each time nonetheless. 

Nothing makes sense. Everything makes sense. 

“Y/N, breathe.” Someone calls your name; a faded sound in the background of a total cacophony of thoughts still overflowing your head. 

It’s heavy, it hurts.

Then, there’s a firm grip on your shoulders and suddenly the scene is covered, but the imprint of it still remains on your memory. The shadow of a failed mission hits you harder than ever before. The smell of blood is unbearable, black dots appear on your vision, making it hard to focus, to see. 

“You need to breathe, Y/N.” The voice tries again; touching your chin, lifting you face so you could stare two golden eyes shining bright in the night.

Kyojuro gently cups and holds your face between his hands, tender eyes looking at you. His palms always seemed to hold the heat of the sun somehow. It warms your freezing face in a few seconds; melting the snow that had started to cover your heart. A welcoming change of season that puts you on rotation again. 

You breathe in. Breathe out. 

“Just like that, breathe.” He says, encouraging you with small strokes of his thumb on your cheek. It’s a delicate movement, wiping away tears that you had shed without knowing. 

Your lungs scream in pain; this time because of the cold air entering them, not the lack of it. The shadows around the corner of your vision slowly diffuses, leaving you with a clear view of his face, so close to yours - so beautifully full of alive. 

Fatigue begins to settle down on your bones. You’re tired. Tired of trying; tired of fighting everyday against an evil you know you can’t defeat, not alone. It’s a battle you showed up with only a wood sword while the others were wearing shiny armors and swords made out of steel.  

Kyojuro’s hand runs down your neck, bringing your face closer; slowly guiding you to put your head on his shoulder. His other arm wraps around your body in a half hug; hand caressing your back. You feel like crying again. The heat of his body involves you - it reminds you of a fireplace, comforting and keeping you warm throughout the harsh winter. Kyojuro’s hands, although calloused, are more than welcomed to touch your face. 

Feeling like something is missing, your shaky hands reach out inside your Haori, grabbing the little metal case that once belonged to your father; it finally grounds you in the moment with a last sense of comfort, but you don’t open it. 

Instead, you take a deep breath. Deeping your face on his shoulder, breathing in Kyojuro’s smell. it’s soothing; like staying in the sun when it’s cold; when the hot tea runs down your throat and warms your entire body. 

“You’re really doing this for me, aren’t you?” He whispers in your ears, thumb still rubbing your cheeks in a slow motion. 

You couldn’t get enough of this feeling. When was the last time someone had held you this close with such tender care? You couldn’t bring yourself to return the hug, hands still gripping the case. However, you really did appreciate his touch. Lighting every single part of your body that was still in the dark, reaching even the corners you didn’t want to visit. 

“I’m here now,” Kyojuro’s tender words make your heart beat fast, doing wonders for your broken spirit. It’s so gentle that it’s enough to bring your walls down; make you open your door and let him in. 

“And I’m going to take care of you.” Kyojuro kisses your forehead. 

And just like that, your heart throbs again; painfully aware of the impact of those words. What they truly meant. The cracks in your heart grow bigger, snapping at the seams that were still holding the fragile organ together. 

And you break. 

But this time, Kyojuro’s there to hold your broken pieces. 

IV.

When the colors of the trees started to look more vivid by each day, slowly growing leaves and making the landscape more friendly, more inviting. When you could see hints of buds of flowers fighting to grow in the backyard of the State, when the bees came out of their houses more frequently – making Mitsuri plan her next honey production - you knew spring was coming. The change of season came, changing the scenario, changing you.

Those past few months were a journey you never intend to go. If you were being honest, you would’ve never followed that path. At some point you even looked back, took a few steps backwards; not knowing if you were close to the end, or still in the start. 

Then there was Kyojuro, gripping your hand so tight you couldn’t think about letting go; pulling you further the path. When you thought it was impossible to keep going, he would sit down with you and hold you in his arms. You couldn’t overcome your addiction in one day, it was a long path, one that he was willing to stay and make some company as you put yourself back together. 

You weren’t alone anymore. And that made your journey so much easier.

The sun was high in the sky, the spring had just arrived and you couldn’t wait to taste Mitsuri’s famous honey again – this time you would truly appreciate the taste - couldn’t wait to sit in the garden and take care of the flowers while watching the butterflies fly around you. Spring has always been your favorite season, there was a magical feeling to it; bringing everything back to life; the colors; the animals; nature. A promise of a fresh beginning for everyone, mostly for you. 

The water is cold against your body as you swim carelessly. The day was warm; the sun in all its glory in the sky. The river at Himejima’s State was always a degree colder than it should be, but after some time you got used to it. It had been a while since you swam, you liked the feeling of being afloat, how the water made you feel lighter and cleaner. 

Cleaning your mind after the storm that crashed through was a tough task, one that took quite some time; but with the need to wipe the place and rebuild everything from scratch, there were some things you found you had long forgotten, hidden underneath broken furniture and shattered glass. 

One of them was your love for spring, for calmness and for swimming. Long gone were the days you spent with your father by the lake next to your house; where you two would spend the day washing clothes and splashing water at each other. However, it wasn’t a bitter memory. Not anymore. 

“Hey! I see that you’re starting the day quite well!” Kyojuro’s voice is recognizable even from afar, you didn’t need to open your eyes to know that he was approaching. Your heart though, was another story. 

“You found me.” You say with a smile on your face, still not daring to open your eyes. 

Kyojuro had become a great friend after the day you broke down in front of him. You knew the Pillar was a kind and honorable man - Mitsuri had only good things to say about him. However, there was always a tension when you two were in the same room; it was heavier as the days passed and his eyes on you weren’t as welcome as you wish they were. 

Your paranoia played a great part in your relationship with him. Only when your walls came crumbling down and he was the first to step in; showing that all this time, it was just concern behind golden eyes, you stopped putting traps along the way, letting him in without a fight. 

“How are you holding up?” His voice is closer now, probably by the riverbank. 

You were good; for the first time you weren’t telling a lie to yourself. There was no desire to smoke anymore, not when you knew how it felt being clean. How you could taste Mitsuri’s food better; not smelling like smoke all the time. And most important, you had got so much better at the breathing technique. All the missions you went were a success, and you were proud of yourself – a foreign feeling that you were still getting used to. 

“I’m…” You trailed off, getting caught up by the sight before you. Kyojuro was stripping down his clothes, his perfect toned chest glowing as the sun framed his perfect form. Your face is a shade redder as you quickly averted your eyes “…Good.” 

“I’m glad to hear that.” 

You hear the sound of splashing water, followed by some movement from beside you. You take a deep breath before looking at his direction again. He’s close now, submerging up to his chin. You didn’t know if you were disappointed or relived. Maybe a mix of both. 

“It’s cold!” He shouts, a ghost of teeth chattering as he swims next to you, testing the waters.

“Of course you would say that,” You laugh softly, arms moving at your sides to help you stay afloat. 

The river wasn’t too deep, if you stayed close to the riverbank you could easily enjoy the coldness of the water without worrying too much. However, as you swam to the middle, you needed to make a little bit more of effort; it was the best part of the river for you though. 

Suddenly, Kyojuro’s smiling at you; so bright and full of care that for a moment your mind goes blank. 

Not knowing what to do with his gaze on you – truth be told, you never knew what to do but blush –  you shove your hands forward, making a wave of water to splash against his unguarded face. After the first initial shock, Kyojuro laughs so loud that every part of your body lights up with a satisfying feeling, you liked his laugh, his voice. Him.

Not letting you go without revenge, he splashes you with a cascade of water that has you coughing for air; the difference between your waves and his are so ridiculous that at some point you have both of your arms shoving water in his direction. You two look like children playing in the river, and it’s not a bad portrayal; it’s quite soothing as the forest is filled with both of your laughs. 

The moment lasts, until he grabs your wrist, stopping you from splashing another wave of water at him again. Your body freezes in the spot as his other arm encircles your waist, pulling you closer to him. 

Just like the sun, Kyojuro had a magnet on him, too compelling, too strong. He had a way to pull you closer without even noticing, as if you had always been gravitating towards him; You would inevitably come crashing into him someday. 

The warmth of his breath hits your face, making you shiver from head to toe - something you thought was impossible due to the coldness of the water. Kyojuro purses his lips, slowly closing the gap between you two.

And instead of fighting against the anxiety building up inside you, the familiar feeling you always felt when he was too close. The beating of your heart, too fast to pass unnoticed. You close your eyes and let it go. 

Kyojuro’s lips are soft against yours. His hand grips tighter your waist, making you sigh against his mouth. He releases your wrist, involving you with both arms, his muscular naked body against yours awakes something in the pitch of your stomach. Kyojuro tilts his head to the side, just enough to sink into the kiss even more. 

Your hands quickly travel along his face, enveloping his neck in a strong grip, pulling him closer. Showing him that yes, you want this as much as he does. He kisses you gently but still manages to take your breath away. 

Pulling away slowly, you still hold his neck in a tight grip; an attempt to ground yourself from the drunk feeling growing in your chest. 

“You taste like cinnamon.” Kyojuro whispers, lips so close that it brushes against yours.

“Do you like it?” You don’t know why you’re whispering, but it seems fitting. As if any louder word would break the spell of the moment. 

“It’s delicious!” Kyojuro says with a huge smile on his face, and you can’t help but smile too. 

He brings a hand to your face, touching your cheek tenderly, and without thinking twice, you lean into his touch. A welcomed act that has your heart and body demanding for more. 

Bad habits are hard to break; and maybe you have found a new addiction to hold on to for the rest of your life. Only this time it was healthier. It was love.

*****

Secret Santa from @thgreatestblue to @redgokus ! Happy Holidays!

[passable-talent]

Going with Ani to free his mom because you know it’s such a big moment for him (and obviously being there for the aftermath)

oof. here I go to make myself angsty for the evening

same day request answering. its like its april.

Padme Amidala is a really good person. It pretty much all comes back to that. 

She’s kind. She’s empathetic. She recognizes when someone is in pain, and when someone needs help. She understands when an unwise course of action is one that needs to be taken. 

So, of course, she understood when the Jedi apprentice meant to protect her instead wanted to run away to his birth planet and help his mother. Of course she did. 

Though, level headed as she was, she thought that it might be wise to gather up another Jedi. To watch over her while Anakin was distracted, or possibly to help Anakin face whatever plagued his mother. 

She suggested Anakin call upon Obi-Wan, which he refused. Obi-Wan’s mission was just as important, and if he knew what Anakin planned, Anakin would never be allowed to go.

So, instead, he called for you. 

You were also a Jedi apprentice, at that time training between missions at the temple on Coruscant. Your master, Shaak Ti, trusted you immensely, and granted you permission to leave on your own. You commanded a Starfighter and were on your way- opening a com to Anakin en route. You had never been to Tatooine before, but had heard about it whenever Anakin felt like sharing his childhood. As his closest friend other than his master, you knew how much his mother weighed on his soul, and how much he had wished that Qui-Gon could have saved her, too. You had known that one day, he would try to return. He had promised his Shmi as much. 

Anakin’s reunion with Watto was tense for just about everyone there. You didn’t know the terrain, you barely knew Padme, you certainly didn’t know Watto, but you felt the impatience rolling off of Anakin. It put you on edge, and so as he followed Watto into the shop, you kept pace behind Padme, ensuring her safety. It was the one thing you felt you were capable of doing, the one thing you could control. 

Anakin wasn’t very talkative. Padme tried- but he was a focused man, and felt closer to finding his mother than he had in a decade. You were a silent support, beside the senator, as though you could take some of the weight off of Anakin’s shoulders. Every emotion he experienced seemed to radiate out from him, and it almost made your head pound to get blasted with them all- the guilt, the fear, the anger. You just hoped that he’d find his mother alive, or else, you imagined, this would get so much worse. 

When you left the ship again, you found yourself in the most flat, barren landscape you’d ever seen. Growing up among the skyscrapers of Coruscant, it was almost unfathomable, to look out at the horizon and see nothing between you and it. 

There was, however, one little building, which you could gather was your destination. And a droid. 

Anakin’s mind must have been clouded by his emotion, or maybe he just wasn’t showing it, because you could feel that something was off. From the moment C-3PO requested to go inside, you knew that there was nothing but bad news here. You couldn’t say anything, though- you felt it wasn’t your place. Anakin was among his family, now, even if they’d never met him, and he needed to hear it from them. 

You could tell. Shmi Skywalker was gone. 

“It was just before dawn,” Cliegg Lars explained, “they came out of nowhere. A hunting party of Tusken Raiders.” You had heard of them before- in Anakin’s ramblings of the pod racing he did as a child. You sat at the end of the table opposite Cliegg, though it did feel informal. The head of the table was meant for anyone other than you, surely- but Anakin had his place at Cliegg’s right hand, and Owen at his left. 

“Your mother had gone out early, like she always did, to pick mushrooms off the vaporators.” At the very least, you were silently happy that Shmi had spent her last years as a free woman with a husband that clearly cared about her greatly. 

“From the tracks, she was about halfway home...” Your heart broke with every word for Anakin Skywalker, who had spent years dreaming of returning for his mother, only to arrive too late. “...When they took her.” Anakin’s face was devoid of clear emotion, but you knew him well- you could see that famous temper brewing inside of him. But, this was more than a frustration. This was so much deeper than that. 

“Those tuskens walk like men,” Cliegg continued with a sigh, “but they’re mindless, vicious monsters. Thirty of us went out after her, four of us came back.” You lowered your head in respect, but kept your eyes on your friend, whose brows were tightly knit. He was thinking, mulling it over, considering, processing. You couldn’t blame him, but wished you could make it easier. 

“I’d be out there with them, but...” Cliegg, too, was weighed down by his grief. His loss, you could see, was still just as raw as Anakin’s. “After I lost my leg, I just couldn’t ride anymore, until I heal.” Anakin’s heart seemed to break open wider with every moment that passed him by, and Cliegg continued, trying to reassure his lost stepson that his mother hadn’t died unloved. 

“I don’t want to give up on her, but she’s been gone a month.” Unimaginable it was how much it must’ve hurt Anakin to know that he had missed her by only a month. “There’s little hope she’s lasted this long.”

And there it was- the clear implication to Anakin that his mother was not only gone, but dead. That there was a finality to it, and nothing he could do. You watched him, carefully, as he turned his head, and clearly you could see that he didn’t take such helplessness well. 

He stood, and you made to do the same, but the both of you were interrupted by Owen, asking Anakin’s intensions. 

“To find my mother,” Anakin said, and you let out a short breath. 

“Your mother’s dead, son,” Cliegg said, with the voice of a heartbroken husband, “Accept it.” 

Anakin left without a word. 

You followed, knowing his plan. 

“Anakin, it’s dangerous,” you told him, and he turned, shaking his head. 

“I’m going. I have to.” 

“I know,” you said, and in the gaze you shared with him, he realized that you meant to come with him. 

Padme emerged from the entrance, and her gaze met yours. You nodded, and she gathered that you hadn’t been able to stop him. You hadn’t tried. 

“You’re gonna have to stay here,” you said, a little more hardness in your tone than you had intended. “You’ll be safe until we return.” Anakin stood behind you, grief and anger rolling off of him, and though she could not feel the Force, Padme clearly could see a man in pain. After all, Padme Amidala is a really good person. She walked to him and gave him a brief hug. 

“We won’t be long,” you promised as they parted, and as she retreated inside, you followed him to the speeder. 

The longer he rode, the more anguish he felt. He hardened before you, from a boy who lost his mother, to a man who sought revenge. You could only hope you would serve to curb the damage. 

Just after nightfall you reached the encampment of the raiders, their domes still lit by dying fires. You deferred to Anakin’s lead, assuming that he would know your enemy better than you. It had been a while since the two of you had gone on a mission together- if the atmosphere were less dire, you might have even enjoyed it. 

You don’t know how he chose which dome to enter, but it was the right one. You felt the world change when Anakin laid eyes on the bloodied woman tied to a post, like you were recognizing her yourself. Shmi Skywalker, still alive.

“Go,” you whispered, stationing yourself between the opening of the dome and the opening Anakin had created. His reunion was his own, and you gave him the best security and privacy you could. It was astounding that she had survived, all this time, and for a moment you were filled with hope, joy, that he had disobeyed Cliegg and searched for her anyway. Otherwise, she likely never would have been found. You kept your eyes to the night outside the dome, a lookout, your breathing calm with the joy and love and relief that Anakin had once again allowed into his body. 

And then you felt it change. 

You whirled around, and she was dead, and Anakin’s silence was suddenly all you could hear. The world was turning red around the both of you as he felt the grief of his mother’s death for a second time, and his eyes lifted to yours. 

“Anakin,” you breathed, knowing nothing else to say. His grief hardened into anger, but he gently closed her eyes and held her close. You didn’t know what to do. Panic hit you hard as his anger curdled into rage, and his eyes lifted. 

“Anakin, we need to take her home,” you said, hoping to deflect his focus. He didn’t listen. 

As he lowered her gently to the floor so that he could stand, you tried to move into his way, and successfully you cupped his face, catching his eyes for just a moment. In them, you didn’t see the anger you felt from him. In them, you saw so much sadness. 

And so you let him go. 

It wasn’t the Jedi way, you knew that. And you wished you could will yourself to move, to stop him, because the pain that his actions would cause would haunt him, possibly for the rest of his life. But it felt as though he needed this, as though it was the only thing that would sate his soul. So you breathed mantras, and did your best to combat his anger with peace, thinking that it might invade him. 

And when the Tusken Raiders had all given their last breaths to Anakin Skywalker, you went to him. 

He collapsed to his knees under his own weight, no longer grieving but feeling a consuming emptiness. You had to force yourself to block it out as you ran to him, and pulled him against you. Never before had you felt someone who needed a hug so bad, and only then did he begin to break, knotting his fingers into the robes at your back. He buried his face, but did not cry, and you stayed as long as he needed you to. 

You drove home. He held his mother, behind you, cradling her like she had once held him. You rode through sunrise, back to Cliegg’s home, where quickly you were met by Owen, Padme, Cliegg, Beru. You dismounted quickly and retreated, knowing that this was Anakin’s moment, and his alone. His anger had returned, but it didn’t feel so sharp anymore- it was anger and sadness and frustration, and it just felt to you like pain. Incredible pain. 

You stayed in the room with him, wherever he went, continuing the strategy you’d had back at the camp. You held peace in your chest, and hoped that he could feel it the way you felt his pain. You hoped it would calm him. His pain did not fade, but it did dull, and for a while as he tinkered with the shifter, it felt as though maybe the anger had drained from his body. 

Padme entered with two meals, and she handed one to you before approaching Anakin, her footsteps light, but her presence noticeable. 

“I brought you something,” she said over his shoulder, and when he didn’t respond, she moved around to his front. “Are you hungry?”

“The shifter broke,” he told her, and if it wouldn’t have taken from your concentration you would’ve chuckled. He avoided the question- you knew he hadn’t eaten in at least a day. “Life seems so much simpler when you’re fixing things.” You would give anything to have back the boy you’d trained with on Corellia. So heavy Anakin felt now, with everything that had happened. You wished you could give him back the peace he had once felt. Padme looked to you briefly as she moved to set down the tray near Anakin, and you nodded. You’d get him to eat eventually. 

“I’m good at fixing things,” Anakin continued, “always was.” Padme turned back to him slowly, the both of you noticing the waver in his voice. “But I couldn’t...” he trailed off, putting down his tools. “Why’d she have to die? Why couldn’t I save her?” You sat up, more toward your feet, ready to approach him if you felt the need. He was getting ramped up again, but the jagged edges of his grief this time was less anger and more blame. Blame on the Tuskens, blame on himself. “I know I could have!” He turned from Padme and for the briefest of moments his eyes met yours, but he moved forward, away from both of you.

“Sometimes there are things no one can fix,” Padme said softly, and you kept your breathing steady to combat his erratic emotion. “You’re not all powerful, Ani.” 

“Well, I should be,” he said, giving her words no time to hang in the air. 

“Anakin,” you said, showing disapproval of such a thought, and for the first time wished Obi-Wan was there. 

“Someday I will be,” he insisted. “I will be the most powerful Jedi ever.” He turned to face you and Padme again, tears glistening on his face but his expression angry. You didn’t know what to say, even when he levied his gaze toward you. 

“I promise you. I will even learn to stop people from dying.” 

“Anakin,” it was Padme’s turn to say, and what he said next shook you to your core.

“It’s all Obi-Wan’s fault!” he shouted, “He’s jealous! He’s holding me back!” Anakin launched whatever he’d picked up across the room, and it clattered quietly before coming to rest. 

“You know that’s not true,” you said, quickly rising to your feet. You took a step closer to Anakin as he turned away, but did not get too near. 

“I know,” he conceded under his breath. Padme sensed what was really going on.

“What’s wrong, Ani?’ She asked, and finally you realized what was truly causing his pain, in this moment. He was looking at his hands as he stuttered the beginning of a sentence, the hands that had killed so many. 

The peace in your body faltered- if you had stopped him, he wouldn’t be grieving nearly so much now. It was your fault.

“I killed them,” he explained, “I killed them all. They’re dead- every single one of them.” He turned to Padme with rage at himself and the raiders twitching his lips, tears still falling from his eyes. “And not just the men, but the women and the children, too. They’re like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals!” You lowered your head, trying to push away your own guilt so that you could be there for him. His pain, you knew, was greater than yours. 

“I hate them!” 

Hate leads to suffering. 

As Anakin sank to the floor, you and Padme sat to flank his sides. You were his best friend, closer to him than anyone else in the world, and so you leaned against his side while Padme offered her words. 

“To be angry is to be human.” 

“I’m a Jedi,” Anakin insisted, “I know I’m better than this.”

“Most Jedi never know their parents,” you said softly, “and never form attachments. There is no one in a Jedi’s life who matters as much as your mother does to you. I’m sure you’re taking this with more grace than Master Windu would have.” Anakin didn’t laugh, but he did quiet, almost as though he believed you. Slowly you found the hand he held beside his knee, and gathered it into yours. 

Padme leaned forward and gave him the best hug she could from the side, but then left Anakin alone with you. 

She’s a good person, like that. 

“Anakin, I’ve known you for a long time,” you started quietly, “and all of that time I’ve known you to be a kind man. A compassionate man. Quick to anger, yes, but not to judgement. They earned your rage, and that’s okay. It does not outweigh all of the good you’ve done in your life.” His grip tightened on your hand, still his breathing erratic, but once again the jagged edges of his mind began to soften. You let silence drift into the room for a moment as he slowly evened. 

“She was beautiful,” you said, laying your head down onto his shoulder. He nodded, and slowly, there grew the beginning of a smile on his face. “And she won’t be forgotten.” 

-🦌 Roe

[t-lostinworlds]

All Too Real (Tom Holland)

A/N: Well, this was longer than expected. I’ve had this idea in a while, and it feels great to finally do something about it aha. Also, I’m not going to tag my permanent taglist here since most of the people who are in there are for Shawn. BUT with that being said, tell me if you want to be added to a permanent taglist for Tom fics only or both Tom and Shawn. Am I making sense? Prolly not lmao but yeah. hope you guys enjoy this one!

Pairing: Tom Holland x Actress!Reader

Summary: You were meant to be acting, but the scene just hits too close to home that you've managed to say the wrong name, then everything just felt all too real.

Warnings: A bit of Angst and my usual typos

Word Count: 9.7k+

Masterlist in Bio

-:-:-:-:-

You didn't know who your leading man was until the very last minute, making it impossible to back out now.

Not only that, but you'd be risking a big opportunity if you decided not to take the part, the lead role to be exact. This was a big movie with big, well-known directors and it will guarantee to boost your career to the next level being that you're just starting off as an actress. This was your moment and you weren't going to jeopardize that just because of a personal reason. Plus, contractually, there was no turning back.

The movie was a mixture of crime, action, drama and romance, and it was already a given in the script that you'd be playing across a leading man.

You just had no idea it was going to be him.

Production starts tomorrow and you just found out that you're in a movie with non-other than Mr. Tom Holland himself.

Spider-Man to the world, ex-boyfriend in yours.

It was not public knowledge that you two used to be together. A very impressive thing being that your relationship lasted for about two years, yet not a single word got out. Nobody knew about you two except your closest friends and family, and both of you were happy to keep it that way for as long as you can until you both were ready to share your relationship with the world. But things happened and you didn't get a chance to do so.

You met Tom on the set of Captain America: Civil War. You were just a mere extra at that time as you were still trying to find your footing in the industry. He, on the other hand, had just finished his screen test with Chris Evans as he solely told you.

It was lunch time when this cute boy wearing this, almost a crossover between the Spider-Man costume and pajamas, went up behind you to grab some food.

You two talked for a little bit, asking about what you're doing here and all that jazz, until he charmed his way into asking for your number. And everything just kicked off from there really.

It was blissful while it lasted, the both of you, young and so in love. Nothing but pure happiness and adoration as your relationship took its course and blossomed into this wonderful thing. It was almost like a fairytale how lovely it was. So beautiful to see the joy in the two of you, even with those sweet little moments that you shared. That until the success of his first solo film as Spider-Man.

Him shooting the movie brought no problems at all as you were there to support him through and through. Hell, not even during the press junket where he's always traveling, that didn't cause any strain between your relationship as you've managed to make it work. But once the numbers started rolling in and the attention got bigger, that's where you got left behind.

You were still finding your way as an actress but you didn't seem to get the same amount of support from him as he did from you as time went by. He did at the start of course, he was your number one fan, but once he found his big break, you just got pushed to the side.

Somehow, in some odd way, a switch was flipped. He became distant, almost cold all of the sudden.

It was almost like he became too good for you in a way. Other people made you feel like you were nothing to him, that you weren't on his level and that took its toll on you. But the most hurtful part was that he didn't even bother to reassure you that, that wasn't the case at all.

There was this constant battle in your brain as you tried to reassure your own self with your relationship with him. That this was just nothing, that he was just busy, and that he loves you still. But clubbing out with friends most of the time doesn't really qualify as being busy now does it?

The logical part of you just keeps nagging that it was over. That there was nothing to hold on to, even if you hopefully wished there was something still there, that you can still save this relationship.

But no, it was all gone.

He broke up with you some time later. He said he wanted to enjoy life without worrying about anything, without worrying about you. He wants to enjoy his new found life while being single, in other words.

He was basically saying that you were holding him back, and to be honest? He was probably right. He made you feel that he was right.

The break up wasn't sunshine and butterflies at all. Voices were raised, words were thrown, and everything just burst into flames. When he shut the door and left, everything just turned to ashes, the remains of your heart along with your relationship. It was dark, cold and just painful to the point that you've lost yourself after that.

You took all the blame. All of it.

For months on end you kept telling yourself that if you were just good enough, if you were successful enough, then maybe he wouldn't have left you. You kept beating yourself up for something he has done and that never is healthy, telling yourself that it's your fault when in fact, it wasn't.

It took a lot of will-power to snap out of it, being that you are the most critical about yourself. But you've managed to push through, worked harder than ever before to get yourself out there and to make a name for yourself.

And here you are, about to star as the lead role of a big film.

You are far better than you were a year ago, definitely. But have you fully healed? No.

Distracting is not healing.

You kept yourself busy with your career and it has help you to not ever confront your pain. It was always shoved aside as you paid it no mind. You even avoided anything about him for that matter, in hopes that you wouldn't be reminded of that certain hurt that only he has caused. You've just been running away from it, running away from the demons of your past.

But now, there was nowhere to run.

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you earlier Y/N. I just got scared that you might turn the role down if you found out he was going to be in it too and it's just a big opportunity and I can't live with myself if I had let it slipped away from you." Your manager rushed her words on the other side of the call, the concern in her voice clear because she knows. She knows what you went through with Tom.

"No it's okay Jeanne. I understand why you did it and I really thank you for that. Another thing I owe to you." You stated truthfully. If it wasn't for her, you wouldn't have had that extra push that you needed to get you where you are today. And you were glad you've found someone who only has her best intentions when it came to you and your career.

"I–uhm, am I shooting scenes with him tomorrow too?" You added as a whisper, despite the fact that you were alone in your hotel room at the moment. Scared that if you'd say it any louder, the pain in your chest would only grow deeper and sharper.

"Yes, he is going to be there tomorrow." She answered, empathy laced in her tone and you can just picture the frown she has on her face.

You bit your bottom lip as you stared up at the ceiling. This is going to be a hard movie to shoot that's for sure. But you're a professional; you can just brush it off like it's nothing. "Okay, yeah, okay. I'll see you tomorrow Jeanne." You breathed out.

"Get some rest hun. You've got this." And with that you ended the call, your whole body flopping down on your bed as you let out a frustrated groan.

The universe truly does have its ways in making you face the person who you have been avoiding—so successfully so far—in order to spare yourself the heartache.

With one last sigh, you pulled the covers over your body, waiting for sleep to take over so that you can have a much needed rest.

It was going to be a long day tomorrow after all.

* * *

Two hours was all you got.

Two hours of sleep as you lay restless in your bed just thinking about all the millions of possibilities on what could happen once you see him again for the first time after a year.

No matter how hard you tried to shut him out of your thoughts, he still managed to invade it even after all this time. The past was haunting you, he was haunting you and it was like you were back to that night again.

You feel so disappointed in yourself as you found your way back to old ways, crying about a boy who doesn't even give a single damn about you.

It took all the courage and strength in your body to leave the bed in the morning. A struggle to say the least until you slapped some sense into yourself and finally made your way to set.

You just arrived in the nick of time. It wouldn't be ideal to arrive late on the first day of shooting as you wanted to let them see that you are a respectful and respectable actress, so managing to be just on time, it was a great start of your day.

Even more so when you felt the hot cup of coffee warming up your fingers as you held it in your hands. The smell of freshly roasted coffee beans enough to boost your energy, especially with so minimal sleep.

There was no sign of him so far, and you were thankful to at least have time to breathe and just relax. No matter how little that time may be, you will definitely take it.

You've already met the Russo brothers who were both sweet and kind, both expressing their excitement to start the project that they've been so amped up to do.

After the casual chats, introductions and greetings, a young lady then guided you to where the trailers are going to be parked. Opting out of her offer to take you right at the door as you solely can manage yourself. But you also wanted some time to take in everything that you've seen so far because it was a big and amazing set, and just to take a moment to ground yourself in a way. Somewhat grasp every bit of alone time as you wouldn't have one until the end of the shoot, which was going to be later in the night.

You were on your way there when you suddenly heard something running after you, the sound of the pebbles rustling about growing nearer and nearer which was then followed by a loud bark. Surely enough when you turned around, you saw the prettiest dog, hurdling towards you with a wide smile on her face. That cute face that you'll always recognize from a mile away.

"Tessa?" You grinned wide as you squatted down to greet her, expecting a subtle encounter but no, she full on jumped on you making you fall flat on your bum. Genuine laughter erupted out of you as you tried to keep yourself sitting upright, all while making sure not to spill your coffee. You were sat cross-legged on rocks now but you didn't care, too preoccupied with the love Tessa was smothering you.

"Hi angel! How are you my love? You good? Healthy? Happy?" You gushed in a small voice, giggling when she covered your face in kisses, you not minding by one bit as you rubbed her belly in return.

You were too engrossed with Tessa that you didn't even notice that someone was already standing there, just watching, not until you heard your name.

"Y/N..."

You didn't have to look up to know who it was.

Having heard your name slip out of those lips countless of times, all on so many different occasions, there was no need for you to see who that voice belonged to.

It wasn't even above a whisper, but you heard it, the sound of longing etched in his voice, that certain tone that you've heard endlessly but only... only whenever he misses you.

And you wanted nothing more than to curse him out because how dare he? How dare he act like he cares when he didn't show any of that—not even in the slightest—that night he left you?

You were already filled with so many emotions and that's only from hearing his voice, you haven't even looked up to fully see him yet.

"Tom." You sighed, giving the back of Tessa's ear one last scratch before standing up fully, patting your jeans clean before gathering up the strength to finally look up at him in the eyes.

The way your heart stopped for a full second and then beat again but with twice the pace, never have you felt that in your life.

You stood frozen as you stared right into them, those brown orbs that once felt like home, but now only brings nothing but pain. And the way he was looking at you so longingly, it only added anger in the mix.

"Hi."

Tom knew he fucked up.

He knows how bad he screwed things up. He was fully aware of how much he's lost and how much of an idiot he is for being the reason of that in the first place.

You were finally standing right in front of him, in the flesh, in all your gorgeous glory, and Tom was at a loss for words.

He was talking to the Russos when Tessa suddenly bolted full speed. Not having familiar with the set yet, Tom was quick to run after her in fear that she might get lost, but he ended up finding her with a sight that was heartwarming yet heartbreaking at the same time.

He heard your laugh first. That familiar and beautiful sound enabling his heart to beat rapidly against his chest, even more so when he saw you sat on the ground with Tessa, nothing but pure joy and love radiating off of his princess, and the love that he once had.

The sight was beautiful, so endearing and it warmed him up inside, but it also reminded him of what it once was.

God he was a fucking idiot.

"Long time no see." Your voice snapped him back to senses, a soft blush coating his cheeks because he doesn't know how long he's been staring at you, but by the gods above you look absolutely breathtaking. Even in just casual jeans and a sweater.

"Yeah, it's great to finally see you again. You look beautiful." Tom breathed out, the last sentence escaping his mouth before he could even stop himself.

Tom might have been acting like such a creep but he just feels so happy to see you again. You probably wouldn't even believe him if he told you, not after what he's done, and he can't blame you. But he does, he truly does feel so happy.

"Thanks." You mumbled as you flashed him a smile. Whether it was genuine, Tom wasn't sure, but it was a smile nonetheless.

"How are you?" He asked just as he took a step towards you, but you were quick to take one step back and this made a frown form on his lips. The way you looked away and avoided his gaze, it stung, but Tom also can't say he didn't deserve it.

"I'm good, but uh, I need to get ready so uh—"

"Yes! Yes, of course, don't let me hold you off." Tom chuckled coyly, hand coming up to rub his shoulder, and just like that, the awkwardness in the air only heightened from there. Because after everything that has happened, Tom wasn't sure where he stands in your life anymore. Whether it be a civil friend or just a cast mate at this point.

When the Russos pitched him the idea, it was a no-brainer, Tom wanted to do the project right off the bat. But when he found out who the star of the movie was going to be? Nothing but pure excitement and much pride filled him up to the bones.

He has seen most, if not, all of the movies you've been in. Visiting your social media every now and then to see what you've been up to. It may sound stalker-ish in a sense but it's the only way for him to keep up with how you've been doing. And to see you grow and be the star that you were always meant to be? It was a beautiful thing for sure.

It might not have been as beautiful as experiencing it with you first hand, since he ruined that chance by a long shot, it was still heartwarming to witness—even if it was only via screen.

"Yeah, see you on set." You mumbled, giving him a curt nod before turning your attention back on the dog who was just sitting there, observing, tail on an all-time wag once she's seen that you've finally given her your attention again.

"I'm so happy to see you again angel." You whispered as you crouched back down to give Tessa a sweet kiss on the head, and Tom's heart completely melted at that.

You were there when Tom got Tessa.

He hasn't said it out loud nor broadcasted it in any way, but you became Tessa's mommy in the duration of your relationship. You took care of her while he was away on press or shoots, and he will forever be grateful for that.

Tessa was your baby as much as she is Tom's, and it now just dawned on him that he took her away from you. And Tom felt even more of an asshole than he already was.

You shot him one last look before you turned on your heel, not ever once looking back as you walked towards what Tom would only assume was your trailer.

Tessa was about to follow you but Tom was quick to grab her collar, squatting down to hold her fully to keep her in place because she was for sure putting up a fight. "No Tessa, you stay with me."

The poor pup whined once you were out of sight, looking up at Tom with those eyes emitting a soft sigh out of him. He nodded his head solemnly, giving Tessa's head a soft pat as his eyes slowly landed back on the closed door of your trailer.

"I know love, I missed her so much too."

* * *

Tom was watching from afar, he just couldn't help himself, but he doesn't exactly know which of you is which yet.

All he sees is there are two girls dressed in identical, all black and leather outfits, both have their hoods up with backs turned on him. He knows one of them was you and the other was your stunt double, he just can't seem to differentiate who is who as of the moment.

"Okay now Tom, you already know how the scene goes. The first time Detective Allan Spade, your character, meets Luna. They've known each other before so you are basically going to be surprised that the sweet innocent girl, who's your childhood best friend and then dated up until college was now a well-trained and elite assassin." Joe was the one to interrupt Tom's ogling since Anthony was at your side giving notes too. One of the perks of having two directors on set is that you can speed things up a bit. The set was built quite large so it definitely was a plus.

It was the first scene of the day and they were starting it off with an action sequence, one with cars, explosions, gun shots and the likes. It wasn't the first take for the rest but it was for Tom, being that they perfected some of stunts first, which was mostly done at the end of the set far across from him.

He didn't get to see who was doing which stunt because your character's costume has you covered in almost head to toe, making it impossible to know without having a closer look.

He was very excited though, maybe even too much that his mind sometimes flies off to somewhere—or rather, someone—instead of focusing more with the task at hand.

"Okay, yeah, gotcha." Tom nodded frantically as he cleared his throat. His arms were crossed over his chest as the heat rose up his cheeks once Joe looked at him curiously. "You okay? You seem a bit preoccupied?"

"Just a lil tired but I'm alright." Tom chuckled shyly as he looked down, the director only nodding as he added. "We're going to try and have one fluid shot with this scene so once you see her jump over the hood of your car, you quickly get out to your marker and aim your gun."

Tom hummed with a smile to let Joe know that he's listening attentively. The director gave him one last pat on the shoulder before turning back to the crew.

"Okay places everyone!" And with that, Tom got inside of a car that was hooked up to a wire rigging. It was only going one way but in top speed, so safety first is a must, hence why he isn't allowed to really drive it.

Tom already had his hands on the wheel, his head turning just enough to see a girl or Luna as he would refer—to which he assumed was your stunt double—hooked up to a trust and wires. She stood on top of a car that was situated in the middle of a chaotic road.

The sight was hectic enough with a number of cars littered everywhere—some overturned, some on fire—and a few bodies of supposed police offers sprawled on the pavement. Luna threw her hand up with thumb upturned to signal that she was ready to do the scene.

"Set and action!" And everything then just sprung to life.

Gun shots echoed throughout the space as explosions went off here and there. The car Luna was standing on drove full speed and came to a screeching halt in an attempt to shake her off. But the sudden movement only enabled her to jump off and flip right on time, so smoothly and with much grace. She landed on the ground with a roll, pausing for a second in a crouching position to let the camera capture the moment before she was full on sprinting again.

Tom's grip on the steering wheel tightened as he watched her approach, incredibly fast and nimble, dodging the cars and bullets coming after her with so much ease as if they were whizzing past her in slow motion, all while maintaining such poise in doing so.

With the signal, Tom stepped on the gas pedal hard, perfectly in sync as his car lurched forward in an attempt to catch her off guard, but just as it came right in front of her, she jumped and slid herself over the hood, landing down on the ground crouching.

Before she could even make another move, Tom had already gotten out of his car, the sound of the gun clicking stopping her in her tracks.

"Hands up where I can see them!" Tom growled, gun firm in hand as he slowly approached her, eyebrows furrowed as he glared at the figure right in front of him.

She stood up carefully with both hands held up in surrender, the silence in the air suddenly ringing as she turned around with her head hanging low, covering her face completely. That until she slowly lifted her hood off.

"Woah." Tom sucked in a breath, completely caught off guard as he stared at none other than star of the movie herself, you.

Sure, half of your face was covered with a mask, but he just knows it's you and it really took him utterly by surprise.

Tom genuinely did think your stunt double was doing this scene as the action sequence wasn't in anywhere near easy, but he'd recognize those eyes anywhere.

To say he was thoroughly impressed would be an understatement.

But knowing you for the time that he has, Tom knows how much of a hardworking woman you are. So seeing that you will likely do all of your stunts, it wasn't at all surprising to come and really think about it.

Still, Tom was speechless as he kept staring at you, and it was like there was no acting required as he slowly lowered the gun to see you more. His eyes not seeming to believe that it was you standing in front of him. Perfectly on script.

It felt so new to him seeing you in a different element, seeing you look even more beautiful and extremely sexy with that much tattered, faded leather and straps hugging your body.

You were wearing those long boots that stopped mid-thigh paired with shorts that were ripped on the edges, an almost gothic type of a hooded cloak swaying with the air, making it look even more promising that you can definitely kill. You look like you just came out of an Assassin's Creed video game, but more on the modern side. And instead of swords and knives, you've got guns.

Your eyes on the other hand were on a different level.

They were threatening to say the least. The glare was so intense that Tom actually felt like you were about to hand his ass over to him. Those sweet eyes he's grown to adore was masked by this menacing and dark look and he just keeps getting more impressed as he goes on. He wouldn't want to meet you in this state in an alleyway—or anywhere for that matter—that's for sure.

He definitely hasn't seen you like this before and boy was it making his head spin, and dare he say it, it was making him feel all hot.

You were fully in your badass mode and Tom wasn't sure if he was scared or extremely attracted, or maybe even both at the same time.

"And cut!"

And then you giggled.

Tom has let go of a girl who can definitely do both. As if he wasn't a big enough idiot already.

"Was that good?" Your voice was muffled by the face mask you were wearing, but Tom can just hear that wide smile on your face. You really just had to make him soft by being all cute and sweet again.

Oh you were giving him a whiplash that will surely be the death of him.

"Nailed it! Both of you!"

"Really? And, uh, can I have some water please?" You giggled shyly, only sparing Tom a second of a glance before your eyes was back on a girl who brought you a bottle of water.

This made him frown involuntarily, curios eyes looking at you as a certain pang hits his chest.

She's still mad at you and rightfully so.

Tom ran a hand through his hair with a sigh as his eyes casted itself on the ground. He was starting to go deep in thought as to what he should do to make things clearer for the both of you, but he got interrupted when Anthony approached him to give a few notes and directions for the next part of this scene.

So Tom just shoved his thoughts to the side and decided that when the time is right, you two will get to talk eventually.

* * *

It was the last scene of the day to which you're a little bit relief by. You were pretty much drained to the bone and you can't wait for the day to be over. But with one downside: it's also the scene that you've been dreading the most.

It was a flashback scene of your character and Tom character's falling out. It was sort of the last straw to break her completely that would then be one of the reasons that pushes her to become an assassin right after everything in her life has gone to hell.

It wouldn't have been too much of a big deal if it wasn't near what happened with you and Tom. But the case was, it was almost as identical as the night you and Tom broke up.

What a way of the universe to joke.

There were a couple of different scenarios sure, but the whole idea and vibe of the scene? It was like it was taken from the books of your very own life.

The set was whittled down now, the setting a residential area with an empty street in a cold night. You were out of your costume and in a simple knee-length dress and a denim jacket along with a pair of sneakers. A beanie sat atop your head as your hair fell down your shoulders freely.

It was tough trying to get into the headspace, as this was a heavy scene with so much crying involved, but it doesn't even take too long when all your mind could think of was that night.

"You okay?" Anthony asked as he furrowed his brows at you, concern written on his face as you've managed to look extremely crestfallen.

"Yeah, just getting into the zone." You laughed awkwardly, your heart getting heavier by the minute especially when you caught a glimpse of Tom approaching and then stopping just beside you.

"You've been incredible so far with all the action Y/N. But this scene in particular, I want you to channel all your deep emotions. You character has been through so much, loss of a father, an addict mother, the society looking down at you and then the only person who you trust and love starts to change and turn his back on you." You only nodded at Anthony's direction since your mind was already there. You've already experienced a few of the things your character has, so it wasn't hard to tap into those emotions.

You can feel Tom's stare just burning a hole through the side of your head, but never did you spare him a glance. You aren't sure if you're strong enough to keep your tears at bay. Probably best to just save it for the scene.

"You Tom, you've just gotten popular with the crowd, new friends, and people seem to love you and you only see her as like a hindrance to your joy because she starts asking for your attention. You kinda see her anger at you as her not wanting to see you happy or her being jealous of your success. You've been blinded by a lot of stuff so you become a jerk to her basically." It would be funny to think that Anthony was basically telling Tom to act the way he acted that particular night, but none of you were in the state of mind to find even the smallest humor in the situation at hand.

"Yeah okay, yeah." Tom cleared his throat, the tension in the air getting thicker by the minute that even Joe had to butt in. "Are you two okay? You both look like you've seen a ghost." The older brother asked as he stood beside Anthony.

"Yeah!" Both you and Tom almost squeaked in unison. You can feel the heat rush to your cheeks as you forced a smile. "Never better." You breathed out.

Tom was still staring at you; you can just feel it, and you so wished he would just stop. It wasn't helping your case at all, especially when he's got those messy brows furrowed by the looks of it in the corner of your eye, indicating that he was deep in thought.

"You guys have the freedom to improvise your lines, don't be afraid to stray away from the actual lines on the paper but make sure that you don't necessarily change the scene."

Without further more questions, you were finally ushered to your places. You kept your eyes on the ground while you stood in front of a screen door, hands in the pockets of your jacket as you shifted your weight from one foot to the other.

"Ready and action!"

You grabbed the screen door open as you slowly made your way inside. Different colored lights were flickering around as few people gave you looks because everyone knows you weren't invited to this party. You acted unbothered but your eyes were telling a different story.

Reaching the living room, the couch was where you saw him. He sat comfortably with arms outstretched on the back of the sofa, a girl right closely beside him as they whispered to each other's ear, rather too flirtatiously.

You stood there and watched as she got all too friendly with her hands, trailing up and down his chest as he didn't bother to do anything about it. Tears were welling up your eyes, but you willed yourself to stay focused, even if it wasn't necessarily full on acting as it was quite a familiar sight to see.

And with the cue, Tom looked up to meet your gaze and you held it, just long enough for the camera to pick up. The expression on his face was quick to change as he stood up abruptly. That was your indication to leave, so you turned around and rushed out of the house, the camera following closely behind you.

You were now on an empty street as he ran behind you, the set eerily quiet letting his footsteps echo loudly against the wet pavement. You wrapped your arms around yourself as you kept your head low, holding the tears in since it wasn't time for that yet.

"Wait, just wait a second. It's not what it looks like." Tom rushed as he grabbed your arm, but you shrugged it off and kept on walking, making sure not to take too long of the strides for you not to miss the marker.

"Of course it isn't." You scoffed with a roll of your eyes.

"Just listen to me will you?" He called out in exasperation, but you didn't even bother to turn around and give him a look. "I don't want to listen to you anymore. Just go back and have fun with your so called lady friend." You said dismissively, seeing your mark to be one step more and once you reached it, and he reached his, his voice boomed.

"Why are you being such a bitch?" You stopped in your tracks and slowly turned around to finally face him, a look of absolute hurt written on your face as his only showed nothing but pure frustration.

"I can't do this anymore." You whispered with a shake of your head, blinking away the tears as you looked up at the dark sky.

"Can't do what?" Tom scoffed as he took a step forward but he kept a good distance, eyebrows furrowed in anger with his arms crossed over his chest to seem intimidating, and it was working. You knew it was all acting, but it just looked so believable that it took a sharp swing at your heart.

"This, us, you. I can't deal with you and your stuck up attitude anymore." You gestured between the both of you and then all of him, voice cracking as you willed yourself to keep eye contact. It was so hard to stay in character and balance your emotions at the same time, because the way he was looking at you, was the same way as he did that night he left.

Tom looked away with a sarcastic laugh. "Oh so now I'm stuck up? What did I do wrong this time?" You shook your head in disbelief at his words. "So many things, you're just too blind to see it."

"Then lay them the fuck out!" He snarled with one step forward, eyes boring furiously into yours that it almost made you take a step back. But you kept your ground, glaring at him with the same intensity as you threw your hands up in the air.

"Fine! You want me to lay it out for you? You've changed! Now that you've found your way in life and found a new group of friends suddenly you're too good for me. Suddenly you're mister successful while I'm the trash who follows you around." You barked back, his resolve wavering for a little bit as he grumbled. "You know that's not true."

"But it fucking is! You make me feel like I'm nothing compared to you! I'm your girlfriend but you can't seem to spend even a minute with me since you're out with your new friends a lot. And if you do give me a spare of your time you get mad for no goddamn reason! It's like you don't even want to be near me! Like I'm a disease to you and your new life! You think so highly of yourself now that you act like I'm some low class person as if we didn't grow up together!" The accusation in your voice was clear as day, and the way Tom's jaw clenched to show that you've hit a nerve, it scared you.

"Then maybe you should take the hint to do something better with your boring life so you can stop messing with mine!"

That was when you lost it. Any sense of what's real and what's just an act, you lost it.

"Start doing something with your own goddamn career and life and stop meddling with mine Y/N! I'm so sick of your shit!"

Your brain started to spiral out of control and suddenly you weren't on set anymore, you were back at the apartment, head in your hands as you cried your eyes out, the loud bang of the door slamming shut ringing in your ears.

A single tear ran down your cheek as you stared at him in shock, breath caught in your throat as you felt your whole body tremble. You struggled to form your words, your eyes shutting tight enabling more tears to run down your face as you breathed out. "I have always been there for you. All I ask is for you to be there for me too." It sounded like a plea, soft, desperate but very painful that Tom almost broke character. Almost.

"It's not my obligation to carry your failures for you." He stated with so much venom and ice that you could only nod defeatedly, lips quivering as you held his gaze for one more second before your eyes casted itself on the ground.

"That's not what I meant but fine. I will not be a burden to you anymore." Your voice sounded so small and frail, and it was taking everything in your power not to snap, to just walk away for it to be done. But he just had to have the last word now didn't he?

"So now what you're just going to leave and give up on us?"

You don't know what it was but something in his tone or words triggered you. After a year of bottling it in, months on end of it slowly reaching its boiling point, you finally blew up. You took a step towards him as you gave him a hard shove, the sudden action catching Tom totally off-guard making him stumbled back.

"Yes! Because I'm so fucking done! I'm so done with thinking every single day if I will ever be good enough for you!" You sobbed, the tears free falling down your face but you didn't care as you continued to yell at him.

"I gave you everything that I had! I was there for you day in day out! But you still treated me like shit! You made me feel like I didn't matter to you even in the smallest of ways and that fucking hurt so bad because you mean the whole world to me! You pushed me aside like we didn't went through anything! As if all our memories together was wiped off your brain and that hurts! It hurts to see you look at me like I'm some stranger, like I'm someone you hate so much even if I didn't do anything wrong to you! I've done nothing but love you. I—I loved you so much and all you did was hurt me in return. No matter how hard I tried, it still wasn't enough because you left me! You broke my heart when you said you'd take care of it. After all of your promises you broke all of me Tom!"

Tom froze at the mention of his name.

The anger on his face was quick to dissipate, replaced by a look of nothing but pure guilt. Tom's heart broke completely as he watched you break down in front of him, so vulnerable, so hurt, all because of him. "I–"

"No! You're not getting the last word this time. I've had enough. I am done." Your voice broke at the end of your sentence, turning around hurriedly and ran off shot, leaving Tom standing there frozen and stunned.

You covered your mouth to try and muffle your sobs, attempting to run back to your trailer to escape the prying eyes but Anthony stopped you, hands resting gently on your shoulders as he held you in arms-length. "Y/N, are you okay?" You shook your head no, your tears pouring even more at his question.

"Can I have a minute for some air please?" You stammered, vision blurry with all the tears but you still saw Anthony only nodding, eyebrows knitted in concern. "Go, take all the time that you need."

You breathed out a soft thank you and ran, back to your trailer, slamming your door closed and flipping the lock as you collapsed on the floor.

* * *

It took Tom a minute for everything that has happened to wrap around his head. Your words repeating itself over and over and he wanted nothing more than to beat himself up, black and blue.

He knew he hurt you but he could only just imagine how much, up until he saw your eyes as you looked at him with nothing but pure betrayal.

The pain in them were so real and Tom knew at that moment that you weren't even pretending anymore. You weren't acting but reliving that night again, he can just see it in your eyes. You weren't addressing him as his character, no; you were addressing him as himself, Tom Holland, the guy who broke you to pieces.

Tom should've just scrapped everything and held you. He should've said fuck it to the scene and just pulled you in his arms. But the thought crossed his mind a moment too late.

He stayed in his place completely still before he was snapped out of his state when Joe approached him, the director's face painted with confusion and concern. "Tom what was that? Is there something going on between you two that you're not telling us?"

Tom didn't bother to answer his question as he looked around set, the worry in him increasing when he saw no sign of you. "Where is she?"

"I think she went back to her trailer. Wait where are yo—"

"I'll explain later." Tom called out as he ran out of set. He needed to find you and set things straight. Tom needs to tell you the full truth, tell you what's he's been feeling the past year. He wasn't going to let himself make the same mistake twice.

* * *

Sobs raked your body as you rest your back against the door, knees held to your chest in a curling position. Your eyes burning with your lungs as you cried and cried, because even if you tried to stop, you just couldn't. You couldn't find the will to erase the thought of him leaving you. That image has burned itself in your mind and it hurts, so fucking bad and you just want it to go away.

A whine from the opposite side made you lift your head up from your knees, eyebrows furrowing together once you heard it again, but louder this time. "Tessa?" You sniffled, and she barked in confirmation, scratching at the door in an attempt to get to you. Your frown deepened at the sound of her crying on the other side. She knows fully well when you're upset, and she will do anything to be beside you no matter what. It was such a sweet thing she does. Tessa's been there beside you whenever she finds you crying, she was your comfort buddy, and today, that still hasn't changed.

You stood back up to undo the lock to let her in, ready to have her hugs and kisses because they always make you feel better, but when you pulled it open, you weren't only greeted by her, he was standing right there too.

Before you could even slam the door shut he had already pushed the door wider and made his way inside, shutting it just behind him, and you made sure to step back, putting some much needed distance between you two. Of course he did. Tessa was in his trailer, there was no other way she could've gotten out without his help.

"You are a fucking dickhead for you using Tessa as bait Tom." You growled in pure annoyance, wiping away your tears aggressively as you wrapped your arms around yourself, avoiding his eyes at all costs as you stood right beside the couch where Tessa was laying down, just watching you with attentive eyes. You gave her a soft pat, distracting yourself from the man who stood there.

"I just need to talk to you, and I know you won't open the door if it was me." He was making his way towards you, but you were quick to hold your palm up, stopping him in his tracks and only making it halfway. You couldn't bear to be near him, at least not yet. Tom nodded, staying in his place as a soft sigh left his lips, "Please–"

"There's nothing left to talk about Tom." Your voice was hoarse, tears still falling down your face but not as much as before. "Yes there fucking is." He argued, desperation running through him as he tried his luck, taking another step forward. Tom just wants to be near you, to hold you and he almost shouted in glee when you didn't stop him.

"What do you want from me Tom?" You whispered, willing yourself to look at him, but only for a split second, because you couldn't bear to see his face without bursting into full on sobs again. But still, you saw it, the sadness in his features, and your walls were slowly cracking.

Tom kept inching closer and closer, and he was both relief and scared because it seemed like you weren't putting up a fight anymore, like you've somehow given up.

You were tired, both emotionally and physically, so you didn't bother to take a step back once he grew nearer. You were tired of running, maybe it was time for you to finally face him.

"I just want you to hear me out, please." Tom whispered, shaking hands slowly reaching out to hold your arms, and you let him. You let him touch you, the heat of his palms comforting you in some odd way. He was so close now and you know if you did as much as look up, you'd see nothing but his eyes, so you didn't, you can't yet. You glued your gaze on the ground, just seeing the tips of his shoes almost touching with yours, it was that close.

"You had time before to reach out Tom. Why now?" Your voice was low but broken, a question that's been in the back of your head the moment he set foot inside your trailer. "Because you looked happier and I didn't want to ruin it. I thought that you were better off without me."

You let out a sarcastic laugh, probably making you look like a complete lunatic with the tears covering your cheeks but you didn't care. Of course you look happy on screen. You had to. To fool the world and yourself, but it was always a lie, what you've shown online was just a glimpse of your life, not the full truth. "Well, clearly, I wasn't. Aren't you?"

"Fuck no. I wasn't happy without you. I know you probably won't believe me but I wasn't Y/N. I will never be better off without you." You only sniffled, still shaking your head, still not believing his words and Tom can't blame you. But he needs you to hear what he has to say, so when you stayed quiet, Tom took this opportunity to just let out what he's been holding in for how many months now.

"Darling I'm sorry, for everything that I've ever done and said to you. Fuck I know sorry doesn't even cut it but I am, I truly am sorry for hurting you my love." You let out a soft whimper at the nickname, eyes shutting tight as you shook your head at him. "Tom please don't–"

"No, no, I need you to hear this Y/N." Tom's hand went up to brush a hair behind your ear, then coming down to hold your chin up for you to look at him. It already hurts him so much just seeing you cry, and it stabbed his heart repeatedly just staring back at your pain filled eyes, the glow in them snuffed out and replaced by this broken soul.

Tom took one shaky breath before continuing. "What I did was horrible, and I know that it won't be easy for you to forgive me, and I understand if you won't ever. Hell I can't even forgive myself for what I did. I was stupid, fucking stupid for hurting you like that. I was a completely idiot for leaving you. You didn't deserve the way I treated you. You didn't deserve to get hurt like that at all. If could go back in time and take everything I said back, I would. The things that I've said, I didn't mean them, truly. I was so blinded, I was angry and got carried away, but still that's not an excuse. What I said was not okay, and it will never be. And I truly am sorry darling, I truly am."

Tom's voice broke at the end of his sentence, his heart clenching as he tried his best not to cry. He couldn't bear the thought of hurting you like that, it pains him just thinking about what he's put you through. The sheer amount of guilt and heartbreak was swallowing him whole and fast. Then there was also anger. He was so angry at himself for doing that to you, but what's done is done. The only thing he could do now was think about what lies ahead, hopefully, with you back in his arms.

"Y/N, I want you to know that... no, I need you to know that I still love you, I've never stopped loving you." Tom couldn't stop the tears from escaping his eyes, his bottom lip quivering as he spoke the words. The sob that you let out only broke his heart even more, your firm hands pressing against his chest as you tried to push him back. "No no no, you're just saying that. You don't mean that. Please don't lie to me Tom, please don't."

Tom shook his head as he bit his bottom lip to suppress a whimper. Both of his hands finding its way up to cup your face, wiping your tears away with his thumb as he pressed his forehead against yours. You kept your eyes shut tight, not finding even the smallest of strength to open them to see his face, looking at you so longingly.

"Look at me, baby, look at me." He pleaded, wanting you to see right through him, to look into his eyes and see the truth.

You took a few deep breaths as you wrapped your trembling fingers around his wrists, forcing yourself to open your eyes and gaze into his tear-filled brown orbs.

"I'm not lying to you. I love you, gosh I'm still madly in love with you Y/N." He breathed out with so much emotion, his words coming out as a soft whisper, but the truth was there, strong and firm for you not to miss it.

And who on earth were you kidding? Of course you still love him, you always have. And for the first time in a year, you let your heart take control over your brain; allowing you to push yourself up and let your lips capture his in a kiss filled with need and so much passion.

Tom was quick to kiss back, strong arms wrapping around your form as he pulled you closer to his body, his head spinning at the feeling of your warms lips back on his own after so long. Your fingers were lost in the mesh of his curls, the kiss wet due to a few more tears but neither of you cared because it felt like it belonged, like you two were finally home.

"I missed you so much." Tom groaned against your lips, walking you back slowly until you've reach the bedroom of your trailer, a slight confusion washing over you because the couch was right there, not that you're in a hurry or anything but... "Why–"

"Tessa." And with that he kicked the door shut, his action an enough answer because as much as you love the dog, she does have a habit of disturbing. A sweet giggle came out of you and Tom felt his heart melt at the beautiful sound, especially when it was filled with nothing but genuine amusement.

But that giggle was soon replaced by a soft gasp as Tom dipped his head to bring his kisses down to your neck, his hands pushing your jacket off your shoulders and letting it fall down the floor. That was when everything in your head got clouded, his lips on your skin a good enough distraction for both of you not to think straight.

Your hands found its way under his shirt, a shiver running down Tom's whole body because they were cold, but not for long. He shrugged his own jacket off and pushed you further back, the back of your knees hitting the edge of the bed allowing you to fall down the mattress with a soft thump. Tom pulled his shirt over his head and didn't waste a second more as he crawled on top of you right after, lips back on yours hungrily as he situated himself in-between your legs, your dress hiking up when you wrapped them around his waist.

Your fingers were tracing up and down his bare torso, Tom smirking between the kiss as he felt you run it over his toned abs. You bit his bottom lip as a warning to not be cocky, earning a deep groan from him, his hand coming down your thighs to give them a firm squeeze, the temperature in the room only getting higher as the clock ticked by.

But before any of you could take it a step further, a loud knock echoed itself on the whole trailer. Both of you wanted to ignore it but a voice soon then followed. "Tom, are you in there?"

The boy groaned as he buried his face on the crook of your neck, the two of you completely forgetting where you are as of the moment. Tom took deep breaths to calm himself down, your fingers running through the back of his head, playing with his hair as you did the same.

Once Tom caught his breath, he spoke, a hint of annoyance coating his voice. "What is it Harry?"

"They're looking for the both of you."

Tom sighed, propping himself up to look at you fully, beautiful face all flushed and he couldn't have seen a more gorgeous sight. "Be out in a minute." He called out, never letting his eyes off of you as if you'll disappear if he does, even for a split second. You didn't dare to move nor let out a single word. You just stared right into his eyes, so many emotions swimming in them but one that made your heart grow is the clear look of love, and for once, you felt safe under his gaze, safe and home.

"Come home with me tonight?" Tom asked shyly, fingers tracing your jaw in a loving manner. You thought about it for a second, all the doubt suddenly rushing back to you along with your brain just yelling at you to be extra careful, and you knew you just had to clear your head first before jumping right in the deep end. "Tom, I think I need to thin–"

"I know darling, I know. But please, just give me tonight. After that, I'll give you all the time and space that you need." You sighed knowing fully well you can't ever resist him, closing your eyes for a moment before nodding. A breath of relief escaped Tom's lips just as he presses it back on yours, but this time it was soft and sweet, kind of like a reassurance that he will be right here until you fully take him back, no matter how long that would take.

Tom unwillingly pulled away before things get heated again, standing up fully as he grabbed his shirt off the floor along with his jacket and slipping it on. He turned back to you with a sweet smile, offering both hands for you to take, interlacing your fingers in his once you did.

"Come on, we've got some explaining to do."

-:-:-:-:-

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[wickedmilo]

DO BETTER | MILO & VIC

PLACE: A bar TIMING: A couple of weeks before ‘Sweet Summer Child’ SUMMARY: Milo confronts a familiar face, and Vic is forced to reconsider her values WRITING PARTNER: @natusvincere CONTENT WARNINGS: Drug abuse, alcohol, mentions of drug manipulation

Milo was having a good night. The club he was in had a respectable reputation compared to the ones he was more liable to frequent, and he was enjoying the unexpected change of pace. The atmosphere was more controlled somehow, far less chaotic than a room filled with unpredictable people using unpredictable substances. He had even enjoyed a handful of cocktails which was very much not his speed, and now, relatively buzzed, was flitting about the establishment, making friends where he could, talking people into buying rounds when they began to enjoy his company. It was a routine that worked seemingly regardless of where he was, he only wished people counted utilising his charisma as a genuine skill. As far as he was concerned, it was the only thing he was good at. Leaning back against the bar, carefully scanning the vicinity for anybody he had yet to talk to, it didn’t take him long to spot a woman sitting alone at a table beside a window. He watched her for a few minutes, intrigued by her apparent misery. It wouldn’t take a genius to read her body language and realise she was brooding, hugging a drink, lost in thought, and all but dead to the world. He considered approaching her, maybe offering her some company, but then she turned her head, and the floor seemed to fall out from underneath him.  

He gripped at the counter, his knuckles turning white as he was thrust back into memories that made his chest tight with anxiety. Waking up alone, and undead, was unlike anything else he had been through. Even now he couldn’t find a way to handle the fear, and confusion that had accompanied his first day as a vampire. Which was why it was so difficult to stay focused, to stay in the present. He could see her in the alleyway at night, remember her face as she had pulled his victim out from under him. She had thrown down the body, berated him for being obvious. And when it became clear he didn’t know what was happening, this woman, the woman only a few yards away from him, had told him what he was. Maybe he should be grateful, although she had done nothing to ease his confusion, she had given him an explanation, attempted to save the person he had inevitably murdered. But she had been apathetic, and cold. Something that was equally as difficult for him to forget. Yes, this woman had offered him help, the absolute bare minimum, but she had also left him alone to watch somebody die. To watch somebody take their final breath knowing he was responsible. He had woken up to a world he wasn’t familiar with, one he hadn’t even known was anything more than fiction, and his lifeline had offered him next to nothing. 

Blinking tears from his eyes, willing himself to stay grounded, the alcohol in his system helped as he pulled himself back, as he attempted to ignore the almost painful storm of emotion threatening to overwhelm him. He didn’t know what to do. He should leave, maybe he should leave. Did he really want anything to do with her? But a small part of him was curious. She might know about the vampire who had taken his life, she might be able to give him a name, or a description, and shit, he was desperate. Not only that, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, she had helped him. For better or for worse, she had thrown him a few crumbs when he needed them most. There had to be some good in her. Pushing away from the bar, ignoring his shaking hands, he crossed the space between them with the air of somebody about to conduct an interview. His head was spinning, but he fought to feign some composure. “Remember me?”  

Vic’s walk with Morgan had left a pit of self loathing in her stomach, and she’d been frequenting bars a lot more than normal ever since the endeavor.  Drinking, an activity she barely ever had the chance to enjoy before, numbed the pain in a sickeningly sweet way.  You could still remember what happened, you still knew you were a shitty person, but at least it didn’t feel like your insides were being ripped out because of it.  She counted the grains of salt she’d poured out at her table, moving them back and forth methodically.  Remember me?  The voice shouldn’t have been talking to her, but still, she looked up. 

She recognized him the moment she laid eyes on him, but the alcohol dulled the emotions that tried to sweep in.  Still, she remembered the event clear as day, especially since it was a night she looked back on often.  She was walking home after a shift at the silver bullet, only to be distracted by the sounds of someone being attacked in an alleyway.  And, much to her chagrin, the smell of blood.  Her stomach turned at the sight of what she saw when she arrived, and she practically threw the vampire off his victim.  He seemed confused, and she’d assumed, at first, that he was drunk- a viable explanation for his sloppiness.  When she was sure no one was around, she somehow convinced the man to stick around, assuring him that she’d help him home when really, she had already pinged their location to a hunter.  This should have been a simple payday for her, in all honesty.  But it wasn’t long before she realized the man’s confusion wasn’t due to drunkenness, but naivety, and for the first time in a while, she faltered.  It seemed someone had turned this man and then left him to his own devices, and now he was roaming the streets of White Crest even more dangerous than others of his kind. Their kind.  Somewhere in her explanation to him, a sense of empathy wiggled it’s way into her heart.  She knew what it was like to have your world ripped out from under you, how confusing and devastating it was to suddenly desire the blood that her new brain forced her to lust after.  And while she didn’t understand why, she sent another short text to the hunter before it was too late.  ‘False Alarm’. 

He would still be on his own, but at least now he knew what he was- if he developed the morality to avoid human blood, or even better, the wherewithal to leave town, then she mused she could avoid seeing him and facing the consequences of letting him go forever.  If not, a hunter was always a text away.  Devastatingly, his victim was too far gone to help.  Maybe it could serve as a lesson to him.  They were monsters, and the proof was right there in front of him.  “Learn to control yourself so you don’t do this again”, had been all she offered before she left.   

He should have left town.  Or left well enough alone.  But here he was again, approaching her as if they were old friends.  Despite the alcohol, guilt gnawed at her stomach when she thought about how many people might have already died as a result of her letting him go.  She needed to alert a hunter about him immediately, and fix her old mistakes.  More guilt came when she thought about the implications from Morgan, and the idea of innocent vampires and how many she might have hurt. “Can’t say that I do”, she said, offering him a false smile and a head tilt.  “But then, I don’t typically remember old fucks.  Remind me- did you live in the outskirts? Or was it closer to the common?”  Better get a location on him now, rather than have to search for it later.  This could be one and done, if she played her cards right. 

Ignoring the urge to join the woman in counting the salt grains on the table, Milo forced himself to hold her gaze. Of all the vampire related changes in his life, the desire to count had to be the most ridiculous. At first he had assumed Harsh was joking. That was until his roommate poured out a handful of rice and told him to look at it carefully. Alone in Harsh’s kitchen it hardly mattered, but he wasn’t about to let something as mundane as mathematics distract him now. So he laughed sharply, unable to quite process his company’s words. Did she honestly think he was a one night stand? Did she really have no recollection of finding him bloody, and terrified, curled up in an alleyway? She had to be lying, he needed her to be lying. The alternative was far too hurtful.  

If she didn’t remember him then his pain was insignificant. The one person who bore witness to his stress, and his trauma, didn’t care enough to recollect it. “Yeah, that really isn’t how we know each other.” He muttered, unable to hold back. He felt too on edge, too uncomfortable to lean into a casual demeanour. Not to mention the thought of him taking a woman home was literally laughable. “You can’t be serious.” He eyed her for any hint she might not be telling him the truth, watching her in the hope of her body language or her facial expressions giving her away. “You know me. You have to know me.”  

Vic went on pretending that she didn’t remember the man, and as a result, didn’t care about his presence next to her anymore than she would any other asshole in the bar trying to hit on her.  Her finger rested gently on a single grain of salt, and she spun it around nonchalantly.  Internally, a million thoughts were racing through her mind. She really knew 

nothing about him other than that first night when he was nothing more than a monstrous infant.  Perhaps a one and done would be wreckless- how could she take him down if she didn’t know the way to go about it?  And then there was the issue of her conversation with Morgan, and the idea that what she did was no better than the vampires themselves- it was a ridiculous thought.  As if there were innocent, peaceful vampires.  But still, the words were there, growing and eating at her almost every second her mind was active.  On top of all of that- there were plenty of reasons to feel guilty about the way she left him that night- for one, the amount of damage he must have done as an unsired vampire could have been insurmountable, and Vic herself was to blame for letting him live. But the next reason was much deeper, and one she shut away whenever it crept into her heart- what type of person was she to leave him alone to deal with it all on his own? Scared and confused and alone.  She hated her sire, but what would have become of her without the training she’d received from her?  What type of person would she have been if she helped a vampire? 

She rolled her eyes, finally looking into his eyes reluctantly.  “Oh, right”, she said, blank faced and monotone.  She didn’t have the mental energy to put on the charm she usually did when gathering information about suspected vampires, especially not three drinks in.  “The guy from the alley?  I guess I didn’t recognize you without all the carnage.”  She blinked, shaking her head.  This was not the way to go about this, not if she wanted more information about him.  She sat up a bit straighter, clearing her throat.  “Why don’t you sit down-...I’d love to catch up.  I don’t think I even caught your name that night.” 

Not expecting the eye contact after his company had spent so long attempting to avoid it, Milo felt himself shrink under the woman’s gaze. His anger, and frustration at her supposedly being unable to remember him was quickly replaced by anxiety, and fear. She was a vampire. Not the one responsible for killing him, but a vampire all the same. For all he knew she was dangerous, and that terrified him. He was reminded of why he had been so nervous to approach her, but then she spoke again, deciding to admit she knew exactly who he was, and exactly how they had crossed paths with each other. Setting his jaw at the mention of carnage, it was becoming easier and easier to force down his guilt. He wasn’t the person to blame for what had taken place. His sire had turned him, left him alone. The blood wasn’t on his hands. He had been, and still was, the victim. If he kept reminding himself of that fact, maybe one day he might just believe it.  

“You- you want to catch up?” The words seemed to echo in his ears, they were ridiculous given the situation. Why was she talking to him like an old friend? Why was she talking to him like this wasn’t serious? Like if his heart was still beating it wouldn’t be pounding uncomfortably in his chest? “We wouldn’t need to catch up if you hadn’t left me.” He said, surprising himself with his bravery. Every instinct in him was telling him to keep his mouth shut, to be well behaved, and amicable. But he was being honest, she had to know it was the truth. He didn’t know her, he had no way of knowing why she hadn’t decided to stick around, and maybe a part of him understood he hadn’t been her responsibility. She had pulled him away from the person unlucky enough to approach him, he supposed in a vain attempt to save their life, and she had told him he was a vampire. Without that knowledge to process, without that information to contextualise his new life, how many more people might he have hurt? How was it possible she had done so little for him, and so much at the very same time? He carefully pulled out the stool opposite her, as though if he moved too quickly she might pounce on him, and hesitantly climbed up onto it. He felt far more awkward sitting down than he had standing up. “Kind of hard to catch somebody’s name when you’re busy telling them to do better.”  

Vic took a sip of her drink, never quite letting her eyes leave the vampire.  He had a lot of nerve, sitting here with an accusatory tone after she’d let him live.  She could have had a hunter there in mere moments, and the world would have been that much safer for it, too.  “What, did you want me to invite you over for tea?”, she asked, her voice biting and sarcastic.  It was a ridiculous thought.  She had done plenty, but it was typical of a vampire to not understand simple humanity and integrity.  She raised her eyebrows, daring him to challenge her.  She suppressed an eye roll as he awkwardly sat down, almost as if he suspected her to attack him.  As much as she would enjoy that, she would never- especially not in such a public venue.  Leave it to the hunters to deal with the likes of him.  “Well, I couldn’t exactly let you continue with that reckless behaviour, could I?” Her voice was nearly full charm at this point, and she was too distracted by alcohol and anger to notice how jarring the constant switch in her tone must have been.  “And here I thought you’d have been appreciative, friend.  Maybe you’re clouding what happened, in your mind.  You did seem distracted that night, after all.”  Vic shot the man a smirk, and then presented her hand for him to shake. “I’m Vic… Are you going to tell me your name?  Or am I going to have to guess?” 

Milo stayed quiet, not having an answer to the woman’s sarcastic, and obviously rhetorical question. As much as he wanted to bite back, he physically couldn’t, the words seemed to die in his throat. “It wasn’t reckless.” He countered finally, annoyed by the implication. “Reckless makes it sound like it was a choice. Somebody turned me against my will and left me to wake up alone.” Glaring at her, the sweet charismatic tone she had adopted only served to make him feel patronised, and small, but it took a surprisingly short amount of time for his demeanour to soften. She was almost right. To a degree he was grateful for the help she had offered him. “I’m not clouding anything. I know what happened.” He kept his voice firm, leaving no room for her to argue, or manipulate him into doubting himself. But his anger was gone. Suppressed, and carefully pushed to the back of his mind.  

“Anybody would be distracted.” He added, pointedly glancing down at her outstretched hand before ignoring it entirely. “My name is Milo.” He swallowed his emotion, knowing if he wasn’t careful he might burn this particular bridge. It clearly wasn’t very strong, but the woman sitting opposite him was a link to the person who had taken his life. She either knew his attacker, or she didn’t, so preserving their connection was important. Right now, given their current dynamic, he doubted she would be willing to divulge the information. Maybe one day that might change. “Look…” He shifted awkwardly in his seat. “I had no fucking idea- about any of it. I was scared, and alone, and feeling so many things I had no way of explaining. You could have done more, obviously. But you didn’t have to stop… I get that. So… do you want to start this again? I don’t be a dick to you, and you don’t be a dick to me?” 

“But it was a choice for me to help you”, Vic bit back, losing her decorum for only a moment before she forced herself to maintain her more relaxed tone.  She didn’t know why she felt so defensive, but it made her anger fiery and flammable in an outward way that she wasn’t used to.  She’d been struggling to hold her anger in a lot more than she liked, recently. 

Her gaze followed his to her hand, pulling it back slowly when he refused to take it.  “Milo”.  Milo, White Male. Under 6 feet tall.  Not too chicken shit to approach someone in a bar. “Not a name you hear often- is it short for something?”  She licked her lips as he continued, hating how much she related to those feelings of isolation and confusion.  She wanted to tell him those feelings didn’t cease to exist just because you happened to catch a sire who wanted to parade you around like a prize instead of leaving you for dead. She wanted to tell him that knowing what kind of monster you were turned into from the start didn’t clear the clouds of self hatred that inched their way into your mind.  She could have done less, too, but she stopped herself from saying as much.   

Milo’s offer of civility was rather unexpected to Vic, and she felt herself sitting up straighter, analyzing his face for any sense of deception.  “While I can’t control your perception of what constitutes a di-... one of those, I would love to start over, Milo.”  What better way to learn more information about him, right?  The quicker she knew, the easier it’d be to get a hunter on his trail.  Morgan’s optimism about vampire’s civility be damned.  

Milo let out a huff of breath, begrudgingly accepting defeat. Honestly, he was so relieved his company wasn’t being overly aggressive, or unpredictable, that his anxiety was rapidly draining away. Leaving him feeling tired, and irritable, but also maybe offering him a new perspective. Without anger clouding his judgement, without having the energy to pay attention to the emotion threatening to overwhelm him, the woman sitting opposite him became… just a woman. Somebody who had done what she could in the moment to help him, who was likely also battling her own demons. Shooting Vic a quizzical look when she began to question him on his name, he couldn’t imagine why the information was important but he shook his head. “Nope… it’s Milo for Milo. No middle name either, I guess my parents were hoping for a boring child.” They definitely didn’t get one, he thought to himself. 

Watching Vic, an unexpected smile tugging at his lips as he realised she was carefully avoiding his choice of word, he was surprised when she accepted the suggestion. Their history was incredibly brief, but complicated, and undeniably tense. Maybe a fresh start would help him to understand her motivations, as well as bring him closer to the identity of his killer. And if not… maybe he would have another vampire in his life. Somebody like him. Somebody who could relate to what he was going through. “You don’t swear?” He asked, his eyes shining. “Or is this some kind of etiquette thing? Are you going to tell me you were an upper class 19th century Lady who still doesn’t put her elbows on the table, or like… ever show her ankles?”  

“Milo for Milo, just like Vic for Vic”, Vic responded, her mouth twitching at the lie. “Nothing wrong with being boring”, she noted, sharing her genuine feelings.  “Sometimes boring is safe- physically and emotionally.”  She suppressed an eye roll at his smirk, sitting back in her chair defensively.  “I swear plenty.  Just not about such… uncouth things.”  But then, at his assumption about her origin, a small smirk grew on her own lips, surprising herself by how amused she was with just how close he was, except for the century.  “Well I’m not an animal”, she responded.  So often her pristine posture had been met with strange eyes, especially as more and more time went by, but she would not stoop herself so low as to be like the ‘youth of today’ who chewed with their mouths open and leaned over tables like dogs. 

Though she never directly confirmed or denied his assumption, she pressed on. “That’s enough about me, though. I’d much rather learn about you… are you still in contact with your family now that things are different?  Were you close to them before?”  What she was really asking was, is there anyone that would miss you, or enact revenge when you eventually went missing? Some sort of pit grew in her stomach suddenly at the thought though, making the walls feel like they were closing in.  Milo hadn’t done anything wrong- he had been turned against his will like she was and then left alone.  Was his trying to learn about her a testament to his humanity?  Her next sentence came out much shakier than the last few had.  “Have you always lived around White Crest?” 

Milo raised his eyebrows at Vic, making it clear he didn’t believe her. But he chose not to pursue the topic, it didn’t exactly feel fair when she was under no obligation to talk to him. The last thing he wanted to do was push her away. “No shit boring is safe.” He agreed offering her a half-hearted shrug. If he had grown up to be the boring son his parents were hoping for, things would have turned out very differently. For him, as well as for them. A laugh escaping him when his company decided to insist she did swear on occasion, it didn’t take away from how amusing he found her hesitation. “Uncouth?” He grinned, unable to help himself. He almost hated the fact that he was beginning to enjoy her company. “A lot of things are uncouth, it doesn’t make them bad.” If her choice of language hadn’t been enough to give her away, her reaction to his teasing made him confident his assumption had been correct. “I didn’t say you were.” He countered, trying not to dwell on the things Dani had said to him implying all vampires were animals. Less than human, abominations. Surely this woman’s dedication to etiquette was proof of just how wrong Dani was.  

His smile faltering suddenly, he pulled himself out of his thoughts only to be hit by questions he really, really didn’t want to answer. A few beats of silence passed before he was able to find his voice, the motivation to respond to such a barrage. “Why?” He demanded, an edge to his tone as he fought the urge to storm away. What right did she have to ask something so personal? Something so painful? Especially when he wasn’t prepared to face the emotion that followed the subject being raised. “I- it doesn’t matter.” He bit out, knowing his words were incredibly vague. In fact, they probably only made it easier for Vic to continue on her chosen path. He needed to say something final, something that closed this particular line of communication. “I didn’t come here to talk about my family.” That had to be enough, right? He needed that to be enough. “Born, raised, and died.” He added, hoping to distract her. “I’m guessing you aren’t from around here?”  

“Some things should just not be spoken about in public”, Vic chided, further explaining her aversion to the word she’d refused to use earlier.  “Not that they’re bad, they’re just… rude”.  It wasn’t the right word to describe it, but it was the only one she could think of, so it was what she settled on.  No, he didn’t say she was an animal, but she still wasn’t sure if the same was true for him.  Varying opinions danced in her mind, and inwardly, all she wanted to do was to scold Morgan.  If the woman hadn’t been so persistent lately, Vic wouldn’t have to question her morals so often now- it was so much easier to get her job done before.   

At the break in his otherwise seemingly calm demeanor, Vic’s eyebrows raised, watching him with equal parts curiosity and expectancy.  This sharp edge- this is what she expected from vampires.  As brief as his flash of anger was, it was entirely interesting, and something she wanted to explore even more. In the very least, she now knew he had ties here- a whole lifetime of them.  His words held an air of finality that she couldn’t press on if she wanted to get on his good side.  Instead, she let the beats of silence continue between them, revelling in the discomfort they brought as she looked over him, judging.  Despite her better judgement, she couldn’t resist commenting.  “I’ve never met someone who tries to hide things that don’t matter”, she said matter of factly, her mouth growing into a small, playful grin.   She was both amused and intrigued, but she’d leave it there, at least for now.  He seemed intent on turning the conversation back to her, something that made her considerably uncomfortable when she was chatting with other vampires. “What gave it away?” she wondered.  Not even 400 some odd years of traversing around the world could erase her accent completely, although most people tended to assume she was British, not Swedish.  “I’ve lived in White Crest for about ten years, albeit as somewhat of a recluse”, she said honestly, possibly explaining why they had never met in such a small town.   

“Well, that’s no fun.” Milo pouted, trying to imagine censoring himself, especially when he had been drinking. He couldn’t see very much to gain, but he also hadn’t lived Vic’s experiences. If it really was an important part of her past then of course she was going to hold onto that. It wasn’t his place to tell her she shouldn’t. “Okay, okay,” he raised his hands in surrender, realising the anxiety and fear that had plagued him were actually beginning to fade away. “I’ll stop being rude.” He half teased, despite intending to make good on his promise. Settling into the silence as his company seemed to observe him from where she was sitting, he shifted in his seat, uncomfortable, but no longer worried. She didn’t seem like a threat, not right in this moment, at least. And he couldn’t help but wonder whether she hadn’t helped him for personal reasons, valid reasons she couldn’t bring herself to explain. For a long time he had seen her as callous, and cold. Somebody who had given him the bare minimum without any sign of empathy or consideration. Had he been wrong?  

A frown creasing his brow, his body tensed at her comment, and he tried to remind himself he wasn’t in danger. She was getting to know him, and she was being smart about it. That was all. He wasn’t entirely sure what she was trying to imply, but he felt exposed, and vulnerable under her statement. He didn’t know how to combat the way she danced around his own statement. The one that was supposed to signal the end of the discussion. “I’m not hiding anything.” He said, his voice firm as he tried not to look as small as he felt. “Do you think I’m hiding something?” If he used her own questions against her, feigned a certain level of confidence, then maybe she would stop asking them. A smile tugging at his lips as she spoke again, he was grateful for the chance to move on. “I’ve never heard an accent like yours.” He admitted. He couldn’t place it even if he wanted to, and it made him curious to know where she had been born. Where she had been raised. “You’ve been here for ten years?” He asked, searching her expression, genuinely curious. “Why stay for so long?” 

Vic, feeling done with this particular conversation, took a swig of her drink, hoping it signified the end of it.  Thankfully, he seemed to concede, but she let out a small huff of annoyance despite herself.  The silence that surrounded them now made her uncomfortable.  It was too much of an opportunity for her mind to continue to swell with anxiety and guilt, and she shifted in her seat.  “Do you come here often?”, she asked, hoping to break the silence. 

Again, Milo’s response and body language sparked interest, and she tilted her head at his inquiry.  “I think you’re working very hard to make me think you’re not hiding something”, she said, an amused smirk still playing comfortably on her lips. She was willing to drop this, at least for now, but she was incredibly intrigued at whatever Milo was keeping locked away.  “Swedish”, she admitted honestly.  For some reason, she didn’t have as much anxiety telling him as she thought she would.  Either he was a monster like she thought and he’d die soon anyway, or he was harmless like Morgan implied, and her birthplace would serve no use to him.  “But that was a long time ago.”    If she were to answer his next question honestly, she would tell him that the intel had been so good here that she never had to leave. “Why leave so soon?”, she asked to counter him.  “This life is a long one.  Especially with our...affliction.  Ten years is nothing, not in the scheme of things.” 

Milo laughed, surprised by the question after a few beats of silence passed between them. It wasn’t a laugh reserved for his friends, but it was comfortable, and it came easy to him. “I go everywhere often.” He admitted. “I can’t remember the last time I ended the night sober.” Was that true? He realised the moment the words left his mouth that he was being entirely honest. For a brief moment he saw himself from the outside, the friend everybody watched, and worried about, but it didn’t take long to brush away his concern. He was fine. It would only be a problem if he felt like he couldn’t end the night sober, right? And at this moment in time not being sober was a choice. He was definitely choosing this life. His expression hardening as Vic tilted her head, everything about the way she was looking at him felt smug. She was either reading him like an open book, or she wanted him to believe she was capable of doing so. He couldn’t figure out which.  

“Forgive me for being wary of strangers, this town kind of taught me that when it tore out my fucking throat.” He muttered. He didn’t enjoy the idea of her prying, and trying to gain information on him that he just wasn’t willing to give. Especially when he still didn’t know her. “You don’t consider yourself Swedish anymore?” He asked, distracted by her answer to his question. Did you grow out of a nationality? If you spent enough time in one country did that really mean you were willing to let another country go? “I…” He trailed off, trying to imagine ten years in the context of a person who had hundreds of years at their disposal. He was one of those people, but at the age of twenty two it was so difficult to shift his perspective. He supposed that would happen as time passed, as the people around him began to age, and die. He swallowed his emotion, annoyed for allowing his thoughts to wander. One of the only things he pointedly avoided thinking about was his new, and elongated lifespan. It was too overwhelming. Too terrifying to truly dissect. “I guess I hadn’t thought of it like that…” He admitted. “Still… it isn’t the most exciting place. Sometimes it feels like the only thing to do here is run from supernatural creatures.”  

Vic hadn’t been ending many of her nights sober lately either.  She felt like a child, in a way.  Like the teenagers she read about in books who were too wrapped up in their feelings and hormones to care about what the rest of the world thought of them.  It was easy to understand where Milo was coming from with wanting to keep hidden.  She herself had only just started to let herself come out of the woodwork by allowing a genuine connection to be formed with Morgan, and it was pretty clearly a mistake by how that was turning out.  The worst parts of her thought that all that friendship brought were moral questions and heartache.  And it wasn’t often that the best parts of her shone through.  “I didn’t say that.  Just that I lived there a long time ago. I doubt I’d recognize the town I’m from if I were to venture back. Can you consider yourself a part of a place you no longer have any connection to?”  She never intended to be genuine with Milo, but something about his gratitude and the way she kept finding herself relating to him was starting to break her down.  She thought, momentarily, that this is the exact effect she always hoped to have on the people she was manipulating.  It was jarring.  For as much as she was attempting to appear equal parts charming and intimidating, there wasn’t much left inside besides vulnerability and a wish to connect to anyone on a humanistic level.  It must have been desperation, she assured herself, that this feeling was rearing its ugly head with the type of person who mauled strangers on the side of the road.  His comment made her smirk, though, and effectively shook her out of her thoughts.  “Do you not find running from supernatural creatures exciting, Milo?” 

“You implied.” Milo insisted. He tried to imagine White Crest in a few hundred years, what it might look like if he ever returned to it. Or maybe he would never leave, the idea was both comforting, and genuinely terrifying. Did he really want a permanent connection to the town that had taken his life? Then again, did he really want to navigate a world he wasn’t familiar with? White Crest could regrettably be a comfort. He wasn’t ready to let it go. “I don’t know…” He admitted in response to Vic’s question, offering her a shrug. “Maybe? I guess it depends on you…” It wasn’t the most decisive of answers, but if there was one thing he had learned through Harsh, Eilidh, and James, it was that every single person had an entirely different perspective. Different views on death, and murder, and the supernatural world, there really was no black and white. It was never going to be that simple.  

Shooting Vic a look of disbelief when she decided to smirk at the mention of White Crest’s many dangers, it was all he could do not to scoff. How could anybody possibly find it exciting? He couldn’t seem to walk home anymore without running into a werewolf, or crossing paths with the occasional mime. “No.” He deadpanned. “Obviously not.” When he had been human, indulging in alcohol, and substances came with very clear, and predetermined risks. He knew what might happen, understood the danger he was flirting with. Now that he saw White Crest for what it was, that level of inebriation came with a myriad of risks he couldn’t possibly be aware of. And how did you prepare for that? How were you supposed to feel comfortable with that? Every single time he left the house he was rolling the dice. And even though he was getting used to the feeling, it didn’t mean he enjoyed any part of it. “Do you?” 

Vic’s eyebrows raised once more, noting, with some unexpected pride, Milo’s raise in confidence from when they first started talking.  “You presumed implication”, she responded, surprised by how much she was growing to enjoy the back and forth of their conversation.  While he once seemed like an overzealous coward, something about his demeanor was growing on her, disturbingly so. Where at first she was desperate to sic a hunter on him, there was now a hesitation in the way her fingers danced through her contacts during the moments when her attention landed on her phone.  She told herself she should wait on it- study him more to really see if he was dangerous.  That was the only reason she was sparing him, right?   “I think one day you’ll see that too many years away from a place, even one you once called home, can make it feel cold and strange.  Home becomes a strange concept, in that way.  Some people claim home is with the ones you love or with the ones that love you, but what if there is no one that fills that quota?”  Though she held eye contact with Milo, her eyes had gotten distant for a moment, lost in the strangeness that the world had become for her.  It took a table near them being cleaned up by the barback to shake her out of her thoughts, and only then did her eyes seem to snap back to Milo’s. 

“Have you always known about the dangers here?”, she wondered.  It was an interesting phenomenon, even back when she was a child, that people could so easily deny the existence of creatures who lived among them.  Was it easier for them than facing the truth of the matter?  “I find it inconvenient, if I’m being totally honest.  On a good day, it’s something to pass the time.  On a bad one, it’s a time waster.  It’s incredibly frustrating to miss an appointment because a sentient tree decided to park itself on main street.”  She rolled her eyes at the thought, still relishing the job she lost because of the incident.  Another table was being cleaned beside them, and she let out a breath, noticing that they were just about the only two left in the bar.  “It seems we’ve cleaned the place out, Milo.”  She moved around the grains of salt on the table in front of them, effectively ruining her counting for good.

Narrowing his eyes, Milo couldn’t bring himself to argue. If he denied what Vic was saying, or tried to counter it, this particular disagreement might never end. There was no wrong answer because both of them were technically right. She had implied, but he had also presumed. “Home is where the heart is.” He surprised himself by echoing something he had heard his mother say many times over. He had never once in his life stopped to consider the meaning behind her words. Feeling a strange chill wash over him, he didn’t want to imagine White Crest without the people he loved in it. Without his parents, without his friends… without Rio. “I-” He broke off, unable to insist he would make new friends, and find new loved ones. That didn’t feel true, and the idea of replacing the people he cared about almost physically hurt him. “Anywhere can be home.” He said finally, opting to be vague, to avoid addressing what Vic was making very clear. One day he would be alone. One day he wouldn’t have anybody left. Watching Vic, observing the expression on her face that was remarkably open, all things considered, he felt a spark of sympathy accompany his fear. He could worry about it until it happened, but maybe for Vic she was already there. Who had she lost? Who did she miss?  

A bitter smile tugging at his lips, he shook his head at her question, grateful for the change in subject. “I like to think if I had then I wouldn’t be sitting here.” He admitted. “I guess weird stuff used to happen, now that I’m more aware of it there’s no fucking way it wasn’t happening when I was human. I was just… oblivious, I guess. When you aren’t looking for things, sometimes you just don’t see them.” It made for some pretty decent protection, until it didn’t. Until it got him killed. A laugh escaping him, he was shocked to realise they were actually in agreement. “Yeah, no shit, it’s inconvenient.” He couldn’t seem to leave the house without running into a supernatural creature. Sometimes they needed help, sometimes they were just… there, and sometimes they wanted to kill him. There was no way to predict how an interaction might end, and how were you supposed to plan around that? Sitting up a little straighter, turning to scan the rest of the bar, Vic was right, and the quiet seemed to suddenly press in on him. He had been so lost in thought, so focused on their conversation, that he really hadn’t noticed the absence of a crowd. A familiar sense of anxiety creeping up on him now that they were alone together, he pushed himself off of his stool. Staring at the grains of salt as Vic ran her fingers through them, now that he was standing he hurried to awkwardly brush himself down. “It seems we have…” He tried to sound casual, like he wasn’t nervous to be alone in her company, but no doubt she would realise what was happening. “I- I should probably go.”  

Vic didn’t easily back down from an argument.  She enjoyed arguing, in a way.  Perhaps because it provided some break up to an otherwise monotonous social life, or maybe it was just that having control over a situation with another person felt deliciously powerful.  It was only slightly disappointing that Milo eventually relented.  It was interesting to watch him process what she’d been forced to centuries ago- that life being ripped from you was only really a portion of the tragedies that came with being a blood sucker.  “Anywhere can be hell”, she countered, because it was important that he knew. 

“Fair enough” she responded, a small smirk growing to rest on her lips.  “I think most people are wilfully ignorant- yourself included, apparently.  It’s easier for them to ignore the truth because the alternative is too terrifying for most people to face.”  Still, it wasn’t her job to warn the average human about the dangers out there- just to protect them from the blood suckers when she could.  She had gone through a stint, early on after she’d killed her sire, where she tried desperately to warn humans of all the dangers they were missing- the ones that sat right in front of them, ready to attack.  It didn’t end well, and so she stopped trying rather abruptly.  She stayed in her chair, calm and cool as Milo anxiously stood up, fiddling side to side like a nervous teenager.  “You should”, she agreed, resting her chin on her hand.  “Stay out of trouble, Milo.” 

As she watched him scurry out of the bar, she genuinely hoped he would.  Because it became clear rather quickly that Morgan was right: getting to know people before turning them in definitely made sending them to their death a lot harder.

[kiranxrys]

hmm... ds9 characters by which kate bush song i think they are:

julian - the man with the child in his eyes

kira - hounds of love

jadzia - jig of life

ezri - cloudbusting

garak - waking the witch

sisko - hello earth

miles - this woman’s work

worf - army dreamers

nog - running up that hill

jake - breathing

odo - suspended in gaffa

quark - wuthering heights

and actually you know what not that anyone cares but over 1000 words of ridiculous over-analyzing explanations under the cut bc i feel like it

julian - the man with the child in his eyes

bush wrote the song about a man in whom a younger protagonist notices a youthful quality, a sort of childlike awe for the world. this really speaks to me about julian’s character, who seems to repress this side of himself throughout the show in order to earn the respect of others. to me he really is “the man with the child in his eyes”. it’s also a very sweet and loving song that reflects the way i feel about his character. 

kira - hounds of love

hounds of love definitely has a more romantic leaning, filled with a girl’s story from uncertainty about love to embracing it joyfully. analyzing this from kira’s perspective, though, to me this might be more of a story about her uncertainty with vulnerability, “what was following [her]” that she was “hiding from” being her trauma and her past. the song is upbeat and gives the sense of entering a new, exciting world filled with possibility. that’s kira’s path of recovery starting from the beginning of the story to me. particularly bush’s final cries of “i need love” ring true for me for kira. she is entirely mature and strong and experienced at the start of ds9. her journey is about learning to let go.

jadzia - jig of life

jadzia’s bush song being jig of life is a bit ironic, in a sense, as jig of life is about survival. jig of life is about fighting to let your future self live even when the present seems hopeless. maybe that’s what makes it so powerful to me as a song for jadzia. the song describes the future life and children she never got to have (or maybe did, depending on your AU ideas). the desperate cry of jig of life’s protagonist’s future self “never, never, never, never, never let me go! [...] let me live!”, as well as the song’s exploration of time and different versions of oneself really speaks to me for jadzia’s character. 

ezri - cloudbusting

what initially drew me to this song in ezri’s regard was its strange optimism given the subject matter. without getting into the historical specifics, bush wrote the song from the perspective of the son of a psychoanalyst, exploring the memories of his eccentric and troubled father. looking more closely, i would say the concept of having someone else “here in my head” connects to her struggles with becoming joined to the dax symbiot. i like the idea how “everytime it rains” (every time things get dark) that voice is there for her “like the sun coming out”. the declaration “i just know that something good is going to happen” rings true for me for ezri. 

garak - waking the witch

waking the witch is one of bush’s weirder songs, it’s very disjointed and confused in a striking kind of way, a stage in bush’s story of a girl drowning and lost at sea. the protagonist in waking the witch is this girl who, in a strange hallucination, finds herself on trial for witchcraft. the song deals with guilt and innocence as a threatening, demonic voice presses the protagonist for a confession. several key emotions connect this song with garak for me - guilt, paranoia, fear, hopelessness as she finds “a stone around [her] leg” that drags her down. “i question your innocence”, the voice tells her. “guilty, guilty, guilty!” declare the court. “well, are you responsible for your actions?” the voice asks. meanwhile the protagonist pleads (“bless me father for i have sinned” - perhaps a connection to tain, “help me, help me baby, talk to me, talk to me, please talk to me” - this terrified desperation reminds me of garak in his darkest moments). waking the witch to me represents garak’s inner turmoil and sense of guilt.

sisko - hello earth

oof, hello earth. this song is a true masterpiece. like waking the witch and jig of life, it’s a part of the story of the drowning girl. hello earth is towards the end of the story, as she struggles to survive. the awe for the world and the sense of detachment between the protagonist and her physical universe in the song reminds me of sisko’s connection to the prophets. he “[watches] storms start to form over” his country (in this case, ds9, bajor, the alpha quadrant) but “can’t do anything, just watch them swing with the wind out to sea”. when voices demand of the protagonist to “get out of the waves, get out of the water”, to me that is benjamin’s loved ones pleading with him  to return from the figurative world of the prophets. “murderer! murderer of calm!” voices accuse. i interpret this as sisko’s guilt over the regrettable things he has had do over the years, such as the events of in the pale moonlight. the song ends with a phrase, spoken by bush in german - “deeper, deeper, somewhere in the depth there is light”. sisko has this determined optimism, this conviction in what he stands for and what he can achieve. 

miles - this woman’s work

this woman’s work is a song in which a husband fears for his wife as she gives birth to their baby, looking back on their time together and finding regret. you can see the connection here. but while the idea of “i know you have a little life in you yet, i know you have a lot of strength left” can be read as being directed at keiko, i think it can also apply to miles himself. it may be a bit of a joke, but christ, miles has gone through the most - ‘hard time’, especially, comes to mind. even before the dominion war, he’s been through horrific conflict, but he still holds on and keeps fighting with his determined attitude. he’s a repressed person. “[he] should be crying but [he] just can’t let it show”. he’s still clinging to life, even after all this time. 

worf - army dreamers

army dreamers is a war song. it’s also a war song about a younger soldier, told from the perspective of his mother, who has died. she imagines what her son could’ve been, wondering what she could’ve done to save him from this fate. on one hand, this does connect for me to worf’s continuous ‘loss’ (of both people and things) throughout his time in both tng and ds9. but i think in a way worf also is, or is afraid of being, the young soldier in the story. army dreamers connects to klingon warriorship and the horrific loss of war - “oh, what a waste of all them army dreamers”. of any kate bush song, this was the one in which i felt him the most. 

nog - running up that hill

god, running up that hill. truly peak kate bush. there’s a lot here that i connect to nog. first of all, running up that hill is a song that carries so much weight, seems to touch upon themes of great burdens and struggles, something nog certainly experiences. but bush’s intended meaning with the song was a reflection upon how people from different groups (here men and women) struggle to understand each other, and if only they could “get [god] to swap [their] places”. this speaks to me of nog’s experience as a ferengi, the first ferengi in starfleet. if only those around him could understand him better - this goes both for being ferengi and for being traumatized - he would be running up that hill “with no problems”. 

jake - breathing

breathing is one of my favourite bush songs of all time. it’s a true masterpiece. here she takes on the persona of a baby in its mother’s womb, aware of a world outside that has descended into nuclear destruction and the horrors former generations have inflicted upon the earth. jake is the face of the next generation in ds9, growing from child to adult, but if the dominion war goes wrong, what world will he be left with by those who came before? at the end of breathing, bush’s protagonist, joined by other voices, desperately pleads with those above -  “oh, god, please leave us something to breathe!”. i connect this song to jake’s place as this next generation, as well as (unlike nog) an outsider in the war. 

odo - suspended in gaffa

i deliberated for a long time about which kate bush song could fit odo’s story. i chose suspended in gaffa because it explores a concept of experiencing something wondrous (in this case, witnessing god) and then not being able to experience it again, trapped by one’s unworthiness. the song’s protagonist is desperate to be rewarded - “can i have it all now?” i connect this with odo’s intrinsic desire and struggle to experience the great link, to be with his people, as well as other aspects like to be accepted by others and at peace with himself. 

quark - wuthering heights

yeah.

[faithhopedreamslove]

The 100 7x12 thoughts

I’m constantly amazed at how much The 100 manages to pack into one episode, which is why I have to rewatch each one at least once before I can gather my thoughts. It gives me hope, because even though we only have 4 episodes left, SO much can happen between now and then. 

Although not surprising, I hated seeing Sachin’s and the Children of Gabriel’s deaths. That essentially means the end of all Sanctumites. Despite Monty’s edict to do better, it seems Bellamy, Clarke, and crew have indirectly brought about the destruction of another society, albeit a dysfunctional one.

I can’t tell if Gabriel’s comment to Bellamy that he looks good in white was meant to be snarky, flirting, or hiding a deeper meaning. But it was unexpected, to say the least!

So Bellamy is testing Cadogan’s attachment to Anders. Does that mean he’s not fully brainwashed? Plus, he’s also bargaining for his friends’ lives. The old Bellamy is still in there somewhere.

The scene between Jordan and Hope was incredibly moving and sweet. These two really are the “odd ones out,” and it was nice to see that the writers acknowledged that and used that to forge a tentative bond between them. They are technically the next generation of the human race, along with Madi and the other kids.

The roommate pairings are so significant. In one room, Bellamy’s new family. In the other, his old family. I know Bellamy has known Raven from the beginning, but they truly became family on the Ring. The fact that Bellamy sent her off to M-Cap so easily was chilling. And I wish they had shown Raven in M-Cap - I hate how insignificant her character has become this season.

The scene between Bellamy and Echo was understated but powerful. Huge hats off to Tasya Teles for that scene - she acted brilliantly. Both of their voices were low, deep with emotion. This was a defining moment for Echo - until now, she has blindly followed her leaders. Queen Nia, Roan, and now Bellamy. And unknowingly, she has been working against the very people her leader and love, Bellamy, fully supports. So she is at a crossroads here. Her last question to him, “Is this thing you believe really that important? Is it more important than us?” is huge. And the “us” can be interpreted two ways - “us” as the entire group, or “us” as in Bellamy and Echo and their relationship. I think that’s why there’s such confusion as to whether they broke up when Bellamy answered “yes.” And the way Echo reacts is telling - she is struggling with herself. Should she follow her leader, Bellamy, as she’s always done, and support the Shepherd? Or does she finally break away and follow her own beliefs?

And in stark contrast, we have the Bellamy and Clarke scene. Where Bellamy and Echo were quiet, Bellamy and Clarke are passionate, fighting to get through to one another. Bellamy shared his life-altering experience in Etherea with them, which he didn’t with Echo. And when Clarke starts breaking apart, telling Bellamy she doesn’t even recognize him, he starts breaking too. He reminds her that he is the person who brought her back from the dead, who fought for her. Of all the things he could have reminded her of, I think it’s telling that this is what he chooses to try to reach her with. And my heart broke when Bellamy asked her to believe in him. He didn’t ask Echo to do the same - he basically told her what he believes, and that was that. He asked Clarke to believe in him because he NEEDS her to. When they are at odds with each other, neither one of them is whole. It’s only when they both believe in the same thing that they are complete, and Bellamy knows this, consciously or subconsciously.

It’s interesting, because I think this scene was meant to show us how Bellamy is NOT fully brainwashed. Yes, he believes in the final war and transcendence, but his first priority is still to save his friends, to save Clarke. The way he said “I am trying to save YOU,” to Clarke was so raw and full of emotion. This is the woman he just pulled from the brink of death mere months ago. He has had to grieve her death not once, but TWICE. He CANNOT go through that again. Bellamy is trying to work with his head and his heart. His heart wants to believe in Cadogan fully, but his head is coming up with a plan to save his friends, because his heart still loves Clarke and his friends - Cadogan doesn’t fully own it yet.

I know Clarke calling Bellamy her best friend has riled some people, but he IS her best friend. The foundation of the strongest love is friendship. And what else would she call him? She can’t say “the man I love is standing in front of me,” because she still believes he’s with Echo.

I am so, so happy to see Octavia and Clarke reconnecting with each other. These two have been together since the drop ship, and their relationship has gone through so many ups and downs. For Octavia to say that she finally understands Clarke is huge, because these two women have not always seen eye to eye on things. 

Octavia has also been observer #1 of Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship. She has seen them love each other, fight with each other, fight FOR each other. It’s telling that she lets Clarke get in Bellamy’s face while she hangs back. Partly because O knows that she hasn’t yet fully mended her relationship with Bellamy the way Clarke has. But also because she knows that the only one who can get through to Bellamy is Clarke, and vice versa. I also love how she comforted Clarke when Bellamy refused to listen to them, and tried to fight when Bellamy sent her off to M-Cap. 

Doucette had grown on me in Etherea, but now he just seems creepy.

Bellamy can’t even stand to watch Clarke being tortured in M-Cap. Every time he looks at her, he has to look away. And when he can’t take it anymore, he tries to convince Cadogan that Clarke doesn’t know where the Flame is. So much for not lying to the Shepherd. He’ll absolutely do just that where Clarke is concerned. And Bellamy’s wince when Clarke finally agrees to help Cadogan after he threatens to send one of her friends to Penance - Bellamy knows Clarke, and he knows she will always sacrifice herself to save her friends. This is a HUGE parallel to CoL-Abby, who said to torture her friends to get Clarke to break. Abby was fully brainwashed, and knew that the quickest way to get to Clarke is to threaten her friends. Bellamy also knows this, but he did not offer that knowledge up to Cadogan. Again, I think we’re seeing signs that Bellamy is not fully brainwashed. And the way he looked at Cadogan when he said “she knows, or she wouldn’t be fighting,” had a hint of disgust - Bellamy does not want to follow a Shepherd who tortures people to get what he wants. The cracks are starting to deepen in Bellamy’s brainwashing here.

My two cents on “It didn’t have to be this way.” “Yes it did.” - I think Bellamy was honestly trying to save his friends with the least amount of damage caused. In his mind, Clarke tells them where the Flame is, they give it to Cadogan, his friends are safe, and they all transcend. Clarke’s response is more cryptic. I interpreted her “Yes, it did,” to mean that she wanted Bellamy to witness her torture so that he can realize that Cadogan is a monster. She knows this is the only way to get through to him. Clarke is trying to save Bellamy, just as much as he is trying to save her. This is a direct parallel to season 6. Bellamy fought to save Clarke from Josephine, who was controlling her mind. Clarke is fighting to save Bellamy from Cadogan, who is controlling his mind.

I’m so over Shidheida. He can take his OTT outfit, OTT throne, and get the hell out of here.

I LOVE Murphy and Emori this episode. My love for them has steadily been growing, and I especially love how protective they are of Madi. I’m wondering if this is setting them up to become Madi’s parents when Clarke and Bellamy go off to take the final test and perhaps have their Marperly ever after ending. I would be sad for Madi to lose Clarke, but I’m glad of the relationship she’s developing with Murphy and Emori. Plus, if this theory is correct, that means that Murphy would actually live!

Miller is so freaking underutilized this season, and it breaks my heart. He’s one of the original 100. His scene with Bellamy was cut this episode, and I was really looking forward to it. Bellamy trusted Miller before he trusted most others, and they go way back. With so few episodes left, it was a huge missed opportunity to acknowledge their bond. It’s telling that he looked to Clarke for confirmation as to whether she’s good with what’s happening. Clearly, he has lost faith in Bellamy for now.

From a narrative standpoint, Echo and Bellamy are now separated until we don’t know what episode. Whether Bellarke becomes canon or not, clearly the writers did not feel it was important to keep Becho together this close to the end of the story, yet they kept Bellarke together and on the same planet. Where this leads, we shall see.

Murphy’s little smirk when he sees Clarke is everything. That was a total cockroach moment. It’s also indicative of how much respect and affection Murphy has for Clarke. He missed her, and he knows she’ll find a way to fix the mess they’re in, like she always does. Clarke’s reaction “What the hell happened here?” was writing gold. I don’t care if they moved the stone into the castle just for this scene - it was a great way to end the episode!

Wow, this got way longer than I expected. If you read it all the way through, thank you! Please share your thoughts! 

[wildselkie]

Top 10 Scenes in TDP Season 1 (pt. 1/3)

Top 10 Scenes in TDP Season 1 (pt. 1/3)

*not ordered in which is better or worse, but it will be in chronological order*

Also some things are worded weirdly. I have a pain in the ass time trying to get my thoughts across in words so... I thank you for your patience :))

_________________________________________

1) The scene where Callum, Ezran, and Rayla find the dragon prince. Ep. 2

I think this is one of the more pivotal moments in the show. I mean it is literally the scene that sets the story in motion after all! Two human princes, an elf assassin, and the lost dragon prince (who was thought to be dead/gone/egg destroyed(?)).. this is just IT.

*also i’m aware that Ez probably found the egg first cos he already knew about this secret area but still

2) Viren (attempts to) proposes the idea to trade his life in for Harrow. Ep. 3

Now there are other well thought and well written posts on this scene with Viren and Harrow, so I won't waste your time with all the gushy stuff. I find this scene important because it shows the lengths that Viren would go for his friend. Whether he's doing out of the goodness of his heart or some other selfish reason... maybe both(?)..

!WARNING! MINI VIREN POST ALERT EVEN THO I SAID I WOULDN'T GET INTO IT

In the book Moon, it dives deeper into the plot along with expressing the characters' thoughts and feelings. As for Viren, it's stated in the book that he wanted to:

"offer his life for Harrow's, but he wanted him to understand that this was more than just a sacrifice of a subject to his king. This was personal"

"... he would need to be straightforward. He wanted to say simply I love you and I will die for you" (Ehasz 80).

I have no doubts that Viren didn't not love Harrow or anything of the sorts, but at the same time it feels like there was another motive. Maybe there was, who knows.

All we know about Viren is that he's a father of two (Claudia & Soren), divorced/ separated from his wife, and he's a dark mage. Of course there's some more (like he's taller than Harrow according to the character line up)... also his staff... like if you look at it, it's the same one as the mage who faced Sol Regem all those centuries (?) ago. Maybe he's related to him, or possibly descended from one of the followers. I'd imagine that teaching dark magic may be a thing within his family and ancestors... he taught Claudia dark magic. That doesn't prove anything but it's a small thought.

ANYWAY-- this scene is one of many scenes that show Viren in a vulnerable state. The book gives a look into how he felt when he decided to sacrifice himself and everything. It's just interesting and I'm here for it. 

3) Amaya and her weapons grade baguette Ep. 4

On a less serious and more fun note, the fact that Amaya is a breakfast connoisseur is just perfect. Amazing. Fantabulous.

"As a breakfast connoisseur, she was offended that Ezran would neglect a hearty morning meal" (Ehasz 120).

I only emboldened and italicized "offended" because in the show YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE HER FACE WHEN EZ TELLS HER.

Bruh she was so offended lmaooo

It's right at 13:36 time in the show... the slow zoom in and all 😂

4) Amaya and Gren meeting Viren at the statue Ep. 5

I’m trying to see if I should have paired this with the first scene where Amaya arrives first. That scene is pretty calm but has a somber feeling. It introduces the relationship of Amaya and Sarai without having to directly say it. 

But this scene here is... interesting. Not in a good way or bad way, but we see they’re reminiscing of the past. At some point, they all got along nicely. Callum even noted in his spellbook that Viren’s family became like a second family to him when he moved to the castle. 

This interaction was cute tho. It started out positive (sort of) with them joking about Viren eating the last jelly tart which pissed Sarai off lol. But then Viren went on to apologize to Amaya and reassured her that what he does is out of the goodness of his heart and love for Katolis. But...

“Aaaaand, he’s back, Amaya thought” (Ehasz 150). 

And then went on to sign that he’s on a bunch of bs. See? Even Amaya knows he’s full of shit lol. But really tho... it makes me wonder how much of bs Viren goes on even before the events of the current story line. 

5) Rayla saves Bait from the sea monster Ep. 5

Let us give a round of applause for Rayla going against her fear of water to save Bait, the grumpy frog who hates her. I think this just goes to show how compassionate Rayla really is. This would include the time when she goes back to grab bait back in the banther lodge in episode 4. 

6) Viren giving his kids their *secret* missions Ep. 6

Okay this isn’t just one scene. I cheated yeah yeah whatever >:3

When Viren is telling Soren what he must do when he finds the princes, at first he doesn’t fully get it, but then.. OH n0

Viren’s intentions are starting to unfold and come together as one. Like, this man just told his own SON that should he find the princes, he should kill them. This 18 yr old bby 

bruh

And Viren didn’t say it aloud, but he heavily implied it. Only to then gaslight him later on when Claudia confronts him in prison. 

As for Claudia, Viren tells her that she must retrieve the egg. And do everything in her power to bring it back, even if it means that she’ll have to sacrifice Soren... her own damn brother ;-;

7) When Callum finally lets Rayla hold the egg Ep. 6

This scene is pretty big. Rayla knows that Harrow is long gone and is trying to find a way to tell them. Obviously she doesn’t choose the best time to try it.

They were in a dire situation that could potentially kill them (even tho they had plenty of those moments already). The reason why this scene is so big is because it shows her struggle to break the bad news (ever since the right binding fell) as she continues to grow closer to them. Here you can see Callum passing the egg to her, despite her hand being in the terrible state that it is in. It is also the scene where right before passing it, he finally tells Rayla that he trusts her. 

8) Human Rayla!! Ep. 7

Human Rayla is so corny but it’s the good kind of corny. One of the best comedic jokes in the series! 

That is all cos human Rayla needs an AU of being a nighttime tv host or smthg

9) Viren and Runaan Ep. 8

yo this is alot okay. The scenes with these two introduced some Moonshadow philosophy and such (ie. not being scared of death). Runaan being the stoic and serious assassin that he is. And Viren not having any of this shit. 

There are three major things here:

 Runaan knows about the mirror and is most likely aware of who Aaravos is. He literally says, “That mirror? You have found something worse than death.” Goddamn...

And then Viren just... trapped his soul.. his essence into a goddamn coin. Just like that? wow. And hold it, almost admiring it in front of Gren. 

Also this is the first time we officially see Viren in that form. In the beginning of episode 5 we are given a darkened silhouette of Viren and the butterflies. But here we see the damage resulted from years of having done dark magic, and it’s horrifying. He is the high mage and all but goddamn. I mean with every action there are consequences so- 

10) Callum destroying the primal stone Ep. 9

I feel like this is one of the “of course it’s this one!” scenes but it really is! Callum realizes that only a sky dragon can be hatched in the eye of storm and there he is with a literal storm in his hand. By now, Callum has come to understanding what feels right and that being a mage is his destiny. But he also understands that he needs to sacrifice some things for new beginnings. This whole journey was to get the lost dragon prince home and restore balance and peace and with the egg starting to die... well you can’t really do that without the egg. 

It’s at 18:50 where he realizes all of this. It’s one of the big boy moments in the show. Seriously, it’s a big moment and the suspension helped get the feels in. And we got a cute baby dragon!! 

End, begin. it’s all the same. (pls someone get that reference ;-;;;)

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Some honorable mentions:

- Episode 7: Claudia and Soren interacting. I love their sibling bond; it’s so silly and sweet and I love it. It makes me wish I had an older brother of some sort. 

Ellis and Ava,, I like the flashback story given when they meet the dragang. I just like it, okay? Smol chiald w/ smol wolf pup and a hippie Lujaane seeing the beauty & strength in Ava. 

CGI Coran. That all I have to say about that guy lmao

- Episode 8: When the group is going up the cursed caldera and they encounter that giant leech. Like can we just appreciate Callum’s funny way of making out a plan? Fat respect for that. 

Another is when the group split up and waited for the leech to leave. The conversation between Ellis and Callum were sweet as was the one between Rayla and Ez. I loved Ellis’s admiration for Callum being a mage. And her expectations of what a mage was is pretty hilarious. So wholesome. The same goes for Ez when he gave Rayla that daily fill of positivity. 

Like... Ellis is telling Callum how smart and confident and cool he is. And meanwhile Callum is like... it’s not me, it’s this. *whips out primal stone* And she goes on to tell him that she believe he’ll be amazing with or without the stone. 

And Rayla is telling Ez how she failed in her job of killing the enemy. And Ez is telling her how she’s awesome at everything she does.

this is the positive wholesome shit I come for like... this is parallels but GODDAMNIT it’s so.. ;;;;-;;

Yo this is long ENOUGH! Thank you so damn much if you read to the end. You’re the real beauties. Anywho... uh parts 2 and 3 will be up soon. 

 It’s 11 now so I need some sleep. goodnight kids

[themisfitsedge]

How did you come up with vistra, tullio and hasiel as characters? (and lilitu if you wanna throw her in. She's my fave tbh)

Vistra was an adopt by @ironicmemeing-art that I just had to have! She looked so deadly and full of potential and while I have several characters I didn't really have one that was a bloodthirsty hoghblood. I wanted someone who could get away with what she did and I learned to make a character who was someone who went with their own morals as well as their own vices. I also highly structured her story around another character, Doll, who belongs to @tired-hours and who is her her love interest and maid. While plotting their stories out we actually crafted the respective charactes based a lot on how they interacted with each other. It made a baseline of behavior of sorts. They are of course their own characters with their own ambitions, but just like each of us, their friendships changed who they became. Of course her character has gone through several changes since I've have had her. I've made her a little less ruthless then she was originally for my own comfort but she is still fantastic to play and her only real soft spot is Doll. Otherwise if you cross her you will you die.

When I saw Tullio's design from @mimilovesfantrolls the first thing that I thought was that he was ridiculous, carefree, and he would make a perfect informant for the police. He's the guy in the mob who you look at and don't really take seriously. If you watch enough crime shows you know the type. He has good information and is well connected but normally someone like that isn't a regular character. I wanted to change that. I wanted to make someone like that bigger, someone more important, but it's not just that. He looks like the guy you just get basic formation from but he's actually in a lot deeper than people think. Hes a loyal mob man through and through but he comes off as just some guy who would peddle fake watches on a street corner. He's a character I've never explored before and one I haven't really seen that many other people explore either. I just had that sudden inspiration when I saw his design and I went with it.

Haziel was one of my first trolls and is part of my big six. One of the six staple characters in my world that can shape everything about my trolls. As a fortune teller they know a lot more than they think they should and they have visions of the past that they don't necessarily talk about. I wanted a character who was sweet and saw the evil in the world but how good the world could be and they leaned into that goodness. I wanted a character who could easily be taken advantage of and still put on a smile because i understood it. That was honestly a part of who I was growing up. The big six reflect a lot of who I used to be and Haziel was the kindness that I tried to show people and the hope I had for at the ones around me. In contrast were created right after Saleos was and Saleos is practically their antithesis. Saleos sees the evil in the world and thinks that it needs to be reformed and destroyed. Haziel looks at the world and sees a place that needs to be reformed and saved. They both believe in change, but Haziel just wants it to came without any bloodshed.

Lilitu was actually my first ever troll. Originally she was kind of a trollsona but she took on her own life and personality after only few months. She has changed the most of all my characters because of who she was originally. Every RP did with her was different and it frustrated me because you have this character that has so much potential and yet I made her personality flip with each and every person I interacted well. I decided to give her a story and a bit more purpose in life. So I created a story line between her Alocer and gave her a past to build from but one I could still relate to. Her stories are very dark ones but they're some a lot of people understand on a fundamental level. She is honestly one of my favorite characters despite not getting as much attention as my sideline characters, but I love everything that I do with her.

TLDR

My oldest trolls are all ones that I created myself, Lilitu and Haziel being no exception, and are based off of aspects I saw in myself growing up. Tullio and Vistra are ones that I saw and I felt automatic inspiration towards and I followed it wherever it led me.