#goinko angst

[siriuslysatorusimping]

*Preview* Bittersweet Memories

Hi there. I said I might post a preview or blurb of this, so I decided to go ahead and do that. IDK if or when I'll finish this. It was more of a spur of the moment thing I started that's spiraled in my drafts. It's heavily inspired by The Vow, except Satoru is the one who loses his memory. I don't have timeline or anything else really mapped out, so this preview is a bit choppy. But essentially, they were married, and there was an accident(haven't determined what) that caused him to forget her and getting married, so they got divorced. Again, all the details haven't been figured out yet, but she's in charge of a Tokyo branch of her mother's bakery now. I haven't decided if it'll be something she always did or if she quit her job to do it after the divorce.

It's pretty damn angsty, tbh. But I'd love to know what you guys think!

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*Preview* Bittersweet Memories

The bell above the door jingled, and Rinko called, “Welcome!” over her shoulder, “I’ll be right with you.”

Finishing her task, she turned quickly, her heart immediately thundering in her chest at the sight of Gojo Satoru staring at her in surprise.

Had he remembered? Was he here because he wanted to talk to her?

“Satoru–”

“This place is so cute!” a woman exclaimed, wrapping her arms through his and leaning into him. “Thank you for treating me, Satoru.”

The sharp pain in her chest stole her breath, and she swallowed thickly as she blinked the tears away. His memories hadn’t returned, or maybe they had. It didn’t matter now. What did matter was that he clearly didn’t want her anymore. He’d already moved on.

Smiling as brightly as she could, she forced enough air into her lungs to speak.

“Welcome,” she repeated, avoiding Satoru’s eyes by staring at the wall behind him. She could do this. She could keep going. She needed to keep going and accept that their marriage was over. That he wasn’t hers anymore. “What can I get for you?”

“A dozen of those.” Satoru pointed at the caramel miso butter cookies, his brow furrowed in thought. “And whatever she wants.”

Rinko ignored the ache in her chest, keeping the smile in place as she packaged the cookies.

He remembered that he liked the cookies, but he didn’t remember loving her. She guessed it made sense. He’d always had a sweet tooth.

She had to accept that he wasn’t hers anymore and that he never would be. He didn’t want her. He would never want her again.

“What do you recommend?” the woman asked, staring at Rinko curiously. “Everything looks so delicious. I heard that you’re based out of Kyoto?”

“My mother opened the main location in Kyoto,” Rinko confirmed, swallowing around the giant lump that appeared in her throat. “She decided to expand to Tokyo this year.”

“That’s precious,” the woman gushed. “This must be your dream, then. Following in your mother’s footsteps?”

The only difference was that she didn’t have a child like her mother did. Tears stung her eyes but she blinked to dispel them again.

“Something like that,” she finally replied. “We have some seasonal chestnut filled manju right now. I’d recommend those.”

At the woman’s excited nod, she placed a few inside a box and closed it carefully.

Stacking the containers, she accepted the cash Satoru held out, her skin burning when his fingers brushed against hers. Her chest felt hollow at the blank look he gave her as she handed his change back.

“Have a great rest of your day. I hope you enjoy the sweets!”

According to Shoko, it wasn’t anything serious. He was just dating again. Getting back out there. The knowledge didn’t comfort her. Though she didn’t know why she thought it might.

“Rinko-san,” Megumi called, sticking his head out from the back. “I finished sorting the inventory, so I’m gonna take a break.”

“Thanks, kid,” she replied absently as she rested her chin on her palm. “You can make yourself a drink, if you want.”

“Aunt Yuzu is gonna get onto you if you keep letting me have things for free.”

“Your Aunt Yuzu would be giving you even more things for free, and you know it.”

He grinned, disappearing into the back again and she heard the coffee machine just a moment later.

The bell on the door jingled, and she turned her head to welcome them. Her voice stuck in her throat at the sight of Satoru shifting his weight as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Um, hi,” he greeted awkwardly. “I’m– those cookies were really good, so…”

Of course he was back for the cookies. He’d almost given himself diabetes because of those damn things.

“They used to be your favorite,” she informed him as he trailed off, “so that doesn’t surprise me.”

“About the other day, if I’d known that this was your place, I wouldn’t have come in here.”

The air left her lungs as if he’d punched her, and she struggled to keep the hurt from showing on her face at his words. It stung. He really wanted nothing to do with her now.

Move. Get him his fucking cookies so he doesn’t have to look at you anymore.

Blinking, she felt her body moving, going through the motions of retrieving a box and placing cookies inside it.

“I meant– I meant if I’d known this was your place, I wouldn’t have– I wouldn’t have brought a date in here.”

She nodded mechanically, finishing her task and sliding the container across the counter toward him.

“I don’t see why you– if you want to buy your date dessert, there’s nothing stopping you,” she stated, wondering if that hollow ache she felt at the sight of him would ever fade. “It’s not like we have rules against couples here.”

His hand brushed against hers as he leaned closer across the counter. She tried not to flinch away.

“Listen,” he began, his voice quiet as his cologne filled her nose. The same cologne that still clung to some of her favorite shirts. “I’m sorry that I don’t– I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.”

“I’m sorry I don’t love you,” was what she was sure he stopped himself from saying. “I’m sorry that losing my memory also meant forgetting whatever made you lovable in my eyes.”

She always knew something like this was a possibility. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t remember whatever it was that made him think she was worth marrying when he’d never wanted to get married before. Losing his memory just solidified that whatever loose screw made him think she was the one for him had finally been righted.

Just like she’d always known would happen.

Finally mustering the courage to meet his eyes, she felt her chest split open at the sight of the azure depths staring back devoid of the love she’d grown so used to. She gave him the most genuine smile she could manage.

“I’m just glad you’re well enough to have your sweet tooth,” she replied lightly. “All that matters is that you’re happy.” even if that means you don’t want me anymore. “Have a great rest of your day.”

The door opened before he could grasp the handle, and Satoru’s eyes narrowed at the sight of the woman in front of him as hers widened in clear panic.

Why was she at his parents’ house?

“What are you–?”

“Rinko, you forgot the– Satoru,” His mother came into view behind her. “I didn’t realize you were coming over today.”

“Decided to drop by,” he replied, his eyes still on Rinko’s face. Why was she there? “Didn’t realize you still–”

“She’s my daughter, whether you accept that or not,” his mother stated firmly. “Rinko, dear, you almost forgot your food.”

“Right,” Rinko squeaked, turning briefly to accept the bag full of bento boxes. “Thank you again for lunch. You didn’t have to–”

“We wanted to,” his mother soothed, wrapping her in a tight hug. “Thank you for bringing the cake. Happy birthday, dear. Have a lovely weekend with your mother. Please tell her we said hi.”

“Of course,” Rinko agreed, extracting herself quickly and rushing past him.

“Be safe going home!”

Once she was gone, his mother turned to him, and he rolled his eyes slightly at the look in hers.

“Don’t start,” he sighed, running his hand through his hair. He really didn’t want to deal with one of her lectures. “I get it, you’re pissed that you lost the perfect daughter-in-law–”

“I’m not angry with you at all,” she denied, stepping aside so he could enter. “I’m just sad.”

“I know you wanted me to stay married–”

“It had nothing to do with you being married,” she cut him off. “I wanted you to give yourself some time, to give her a chance, before you decided to divorce her just because you didn’t remember her. It’s not your fault that you don’t remember marrying her. But Satoru, you loved her more than anything else in the world. If you gave yourself some time to know her again, I have very little doubt you’d love her just like before.”

“You’re forgetting that I never wanted to get married,” he stated, following her into the kitchen. He spotted part of a strawberry cake sitting on the counter, immediately locating a fork and taking a bite. “Why was she here, anyway?”

“Did you not listen earlier?” His mother sighed, exasperated. “She’s still our daughter, whether you’re married or not. And it was her birthday, Satoru. We invited her over to have lunch for her birthday.”

He swallowed thickly, glancing down at the cake.

“She brought this, then?”

“Yes, she did.” She let out another sigh, quieter this time. “You know, the very first time you introduced Rinko to us, you pulled me aside and said that you were going to marry her if it was the last thing you did. You stood right there with hearts in your eyes and a giant grin on your face as you told me you never wanted to be without her.”

At this point, she should just accept that she was self-destructive. Nothing about what she was doing was healthy. It did absolutely nothing to help her move on with her life. But maybe she didn’t want to move on with her life. Not when her heart still fluttered every time she saw him, even if it left her feeling hollow and empty afterward.

Her heart had certainly already shattered beyond repair by now. So really, what did a bit more damage matter?

The bell above the door jingled with his entry, and she greeted him as she always did, the crack in her chest chipping open a bit further.

“One or two dozen?” she asked, used to the routine by now.

His weekly visits were something to both dread and look forward to. It stung that he still loved the cookies so much but felt nothing for her. But what wasn’t to love about her mother’s cookies?

His gaze still held no sign of warmth or affection for her when he met her eyes, something she’d finally grown used to after his first few visits.

The obvious suspicion when he’d seen her at his parents’ house had shaken her more than she expected. Going there had been a mistake, regardless of whether his mother had invited her. They weren’t married anymore. There was no reason for her to spend time with his parents. She still loved them, and she knew they still loved her, but it didn’t mean she could just cross boundaries he’d clearly set.

She didn’t want to put a strain on their relationship, or be in the way when he found someone else and wanted to introduce them.

After all, he was getting back into the swing of life. Back to work, enjoying it like he always had, hanging out with friends and helping some of his students on the weekends. He would be happier now without her in the way.

“Just one dozen this time,” he replied, rubbing the back of his neck.

Nodding, she grabbed a box.

“Any plans for the weekend?” she asked instinctively.

What was she doing? He didn’t want to talk to her. He didn’t want anything to do with her beyond getting his cookies.

“I have a date,” he replied absently, his eyes going wide when she froze. “I’m– I mean– no big plans. Just–”

“That’s–” Her throat went dry as she tried to keep her chest from ripping open any further. She couldn’t risk whatever was left of her heart spilling out in front of him. Not when he was moving on. He deserved to move on and be happy without her holding him back. “That’s good– great, I mean. I’m glad you have plans. You– you seem happy. I’m really glad you’re happy.” without me.

She needed to stop talking. Forget being self-destructive, she was probably making him wildly uncomfortable.

Placing the container with his cookies on the counter, she tried to pretend he was just any other customer as she smiled.

“Have a great rest of your day.”

“All that matters is that you’re happy.”

“I’m really glad you’re happy.”

Her words echoed in his head as he approached the bakery, guilt beginning to creep up like it had every time since he’d stupidly blurted out that he had a fucking date when she asked him if he had plans for the weekend.

Fucking idiot. 

He’d replied without even thinking about who he was talking to, but he’d regretted it as soon as he saw the look in her eyes.

He might not have wanted to be married, but he didn’t want to hurt her. He didn’t want to make her suffer.

At least, that’s what he told himself despite the fact that he knew he’d broken her heart and looked the other way when she cried because he didn’t want to believe it was true. He hadn’t wanted to believe he’d completely forgotten years of his life. Years that apparently involved him getting married. The documents and pictures really didn’t lie, though. He knew his family wouldn’t lie about something like that, either.

Everyone said it wasn’t his fault. They said that it wasn’t his fault he didn’t remember her.

What he did remember was the look in her eyes when he’d asked her who she was when he woke up. Asked her why she was in his hospital room and why she was so close to him. The look in her eyes when he’d said he wanted a divorce because he’d never wanted to get married in the first place, and he couldn’t believe that he’d ever changed his mind on that. The sobs she’d tried to conceal as she packed her bags and left without a single protest.

She erased herself from his life so quickly that he’d wondered if she’d always planned on doing so. If she’d been waiting for a way out.

And then she’d appeared again in an instant, standing in front of him in a bakery his date had wanted to try.

Her face had filled with so much hope when she saw him, only to crumple in the next moment when she saw who he was with.

But yet, even after everything he’d done, she still greeted him with a smile and told him she just wanted him to be happy. That she was glad he was happy.

Who wants you to be happy? Who asks if you are okay?

The questions always died in his throat before he could voice them. It felt wrong to ask. Like it was a line he shouldn’t cross because it would be insensitive. Who asked their ex-wife, that they didn’t even remember getting married to, if she was okay after they’d broken her heart without even a second thought?

She clearly wasn’t okay, but she pretended to be. At least, she tried to pretend. But how the hell did he even know that? What part of his psyche just happened to remember what she looked like when she lied?

What he was doing wasn’t just mean. It was cruel.

“Welcome!” she called cheerfully when the bell jingled above his head.

Her voice made his heart speed up, and he blinked at the feeling.

She did have a very pretty voice. He’d noticed the first time he’d heard her speak when he woke up in the hospital. The relief that bled through her words when she saw him open his eyes had confused him at the time. The hurt that colored her tone when he’d asked her to leave still haunted him.

He was suddenly struck by the desire to remember how they’d met. What had he said to her? How had they ended up together in the first place? He’d never really been the relationship type. What had convinced him?

“One or two dozen?” she asked, her question pulling him back to the present. Her smile seemed forced, not reaching her eyes.

How did he know that? Why did he suddenly remember that her real smile made her eyes shine and crinkle at the corners? How was it that he knew her eyes looked like polished jade stone in the moonlight when she was excited?

“Wait,” she said, frowning. “I– sorry, I forgot I don’t even have a full dozen right now. But if you don’t mind waiting just a bit, I can get you a fresh batch?”

Why would she go out of her way to do that?

“Don’t you only have a half-hour till close?” he asked, checking the time. Wouldn’t that waste cookies? “I’ll just take whatever you have left–”

“It’s– I bake them by the dozen anyway, so I’d throw in the couple I have left and call it a day.” She pursed her lips to the side. “But if you don’t want to wait, I understand. Sorry, it was rude of me to ask. I can just–”

“I don’t mind waiting,” he rushed out, taking a seat at one of the small tables. “It’s not a big deal to me.”

She nodded, ducking into the back for a few minutes before reappearing.

“Coffee or tea while you wait? Do you still like–” She cut off, her voice cracking before she cleared her throat. “What would you like to drink?”

“I’m okay,” he stated, that familiar guilt threatening to boil over again.

Should he start a conversation? Or would that give the wrong impression? He didn’t want her to think he was… trying to get too familiar. But he felt bad. He felt like he should say something when she was going out of her way for him. Why did she do that? Why did she seem to care so much about his convenience at the cost of her own?

Before he could say anything, she disappeared into the back, leaving him alone in the small cafe area as the guilt ate away at him.

Was he crazy, or had she lost weight since she’d moved out? Her clothes seemed to fit her differently than they had months ago. Was that why his mother had given her extra leftovers?

Why did the idea of her not eating enough bother him so much?

He jumped when she placed the box on the table in front of him. His chest ached as he watched her step away quickly, retreating back behind the counter before he could even stand. Why did that bother him? Why was he suddenly wondering if she had moved on yet? Why did the idea of seeing her with someone else make him inexplicably angry when he was dating other people?

“On the house,” she informed him, waving him off when he pulled his wallet out anyway. “Since you had to wait.”

He’d barely noticed the time passing because he’d been so stuck in his own head. The warmth that seeped from the box into his hands felt nice. An oddly familiar sense of comfort filled him knowing he’d get to eat fresh cookies even though he couldn’t remember having done so before.

“It wasn’t a big deal,” he argued, peeking into the box to see two dozen cookies neatly stacked. “Let me pay–”

“You know, they say time is money,” she joked, her smile faltering when he just frowned. “Really, Sa– Gojo-san, don’t worry. Thank you for being patient.”

The way her voice quivered as she corrected herself made his heart drop to his gut, and he sighed reluctantly.

“Fine,” he conceded. “But I’m paying for them next time.”

He’s happy, and that makes me happy.

She repeated that to herself over and over as she forced herself to take deep breaths.

He’s happy, and that makes me happy.

Because she loved him, she just wanted him to be happy. Even if that meant he didn’t want her anymore. Even if it meant he didn’t love her.

He’s happy, and that makes me happy.

That was all that mattered. His happiness and well-being were the most important.

Life never worked out exactly as planned. So what if her entire future was completely different now? At least she’d gotten a few years to be the happiest she’d ever been.

He’s happy, and that makes me happy.

She would be content knowing he was living his life the way he wanted.

“Just one date with me, Kurisaki-chan,” Satoru implored, leaning towards her as they stood at the bar. “Just one date, and if you don’t have a good time, I’ll never ask you again.”

Her skeptical look drew a chuckle from him. He liked when she looked at him like that. Something about it made him want to tease her more. He gave her a small pout.

“I’d be so good to you,” he implored, debating getting on his knees and begging. Everything about her made him want to know her more, made him want her to know him more.

“Your history doesn’t say that,” Rinko replied, tilting her head and pursing her lips to the side. He was dying to kiss her. “We both know I’m not your type, Gojo.”

“What’s my type?” he asked, raising his eyebrows. “What do you think my type is?”

“One-night stands,” she stated bluntly. “No strings attached, no feelings, no relationships.”

Ouch.

“I have feelings for you,” he informed her, his heart racing when she snorted. “Gimme a chance, Kurisaki-chan. I promise I won’t break your heart. I’ll take such good care of you. You just gotta promise not to break my heart, yeah?”

-

“Promise not to break my heart, yeah?”

The words repeated in his mind over and over and over again as he emptied his stomach into the toilet.

What kind of moron had he been?

Of all the things for him to promise. Of all the promises for him to break.

How could she even stand the sight of him after what he’d done to her?

“I promise I won’t break your heart.”

The look in her eyes when he’d told her he didn’t know why he would get married when he’d never wanted to before flashed through his mind. The hurt she made no effort to hide when he asked her to leave the house they’d apparently shared for years. He hadn’t just broken her heart, he’d shattered it and then walked right over the pieces so he could get cookies.

-

Avoiding her eyes, he shifted his feet uncomfortably while he waited his turn.

“How many today?” she asked lightly, her voice sending a fresh wave of guilt through him. “One or two dozen?”

“Whichever,” he replied, still unable to meet her eyes. How could she talk to him so casually? How could she just pretend he hadn’t hurt her so deeply? “Doesn’t matter.”

Her quick intake of breath had his gaze snapping to her face. The practiced smile paired with the sadness in her eyes made him feel sick again. He might vomit right in the middle of the bakery.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” he blurted out, his gut dropping when she jumped. Her eyes widened in surprise, and she let out a shaky laugh.

“For not knowing how many cookies you want?”

“I promised I wouldn’t break your heart,” he croaked, his throat closing as his shame threatened to choke him. “I–”

“It was a silly promise,” she cut him off, her brow furrowing as she pursed her lips to the side. “You couldn’t have possibly known what would happen.”

He’d never fucking deserved her love before and he sure as hell never would now.

“I knew you weren’t being serious when you said that,” she stated, shrugging. “I– I already told you I don’t regret marrying you. I don't regret giving you a chance. I don’t regret loving you, either. I just– I just hope you don’t–”

“I don’t,” he rushed, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “I’m– I don’t regret it even though I don’t… remember. But I wish I– I wish I could take back how much I've hurt you.”

AN: I included more in this preview than I originally intended but I got carried away and here we are. What'd you guys think? It's a lil angsty, huh?

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Before I Love You - 2: Broken Lens (Gojo Satoru)

It's finally happening. I'm finally posting it. It's part 2 of Before I Love You. In all honesty, I've been writing this since I posted the first part, but I finally nailed it down. But, same as part 1, this is angst with a hopeful ending.

Summary:

“You were a shitty boyfriend.” A frown began to form on his face, but he stayed silent as she continued, “But you were always a good friend. Not surprised you’re a good teacher, too.” He had always been a good friend. Admittedly, he’d been a decent boyfriend before he cheated on her because he was supposedly afraid she was going to break up with him. But that wasn’t really the point. Despite everything, she knew for a fact he was never a bad person. Him caring about his students and their success didn’t surprise her at all, especially after finding out that he’d taken Megumi’s friend under his wing. His being shit at a relationship didn’t make him an inherently bad person. Even at her angriest, she’d never thought that about him. It was one reason she’d missed him so much after everything fell apart. *Also posted on AO3

Part 1 | Kiko's Masterlist

Broken Lens

2017

Her cousin fidgeted in her seat while they watched the game unfold.

“I feel fine,” the teen grumbled petulantly. “I could’ve played–”

“One more game isn’t the end of the world,” Rinko reminded, patting Mai’s knee. “Quit sulking, or I’m not buying you kakigōri after.”

Megumi snorted, rolling his eyes when Mai punched his shoulder.

“Maki’s doing fine,” he pointed out. “If you were out there, it wouldn’t be fair.”

A light tap on her shoulder caused her to turn, her eyebrows rising at the sight of Gojo smiling at her hesitantly. She hadn’t seen him in weeks, not since the day she’d agreed to hear him out. Even though he’d asked if he could sit with her at the soccer game, she hadn’t been surprised when he didn’t show. Part of her assumed she wouldn’t see him again once he realized his apology hadn’t worked like he thought.

“Hey,” he greeted, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I, uh, had a few things come up for the last couple games. I know– we didn’t make plans or anything, but I– still felt bad because I said I might– but yeah. I– I heard they were good games?”

Mai crossed her arms as she released a frustrated puff of air. They’d both been losses, but closer than they would have been without Maki as the goalie. Rinko flicked her ear.

“Last warning about that pout,” she informed her. Turning back to Gojo, she shrugged. “We didn’t make any plans to meet. You have a life.”

“I also didn’t wanna seem like I’m stalking you,” he joked, rubbing the back of his neck. He pointed to the seat next to her, the question clear in his eyes. “Is it okay if–?”

She shrugged again, scooting closer to Mai to give him room to sit without being too close.

“Hi, Gojo-sensei,” the teen greeted, leaning around Rinko.

“Hey,” he replied, giving her a giant grin. “How’s the ankle?”

His question brought the pout back to her face, her nose scrunching petulantly.

“It’s fine,” she claimed, rolling it a few times. “But–”

“Still tender.” Rinko tucked a stray hair behind her cousin’s ear. “She still has a limp when she tries to run, so she’s sitting one last game out to be safe.”

“I’m fine,” Mai denied, dropping her head back and sighing dramatically. “Doesn’t even hurt–”

“Because you totally weren’t hobbling like a penguin after you tried practicing last week,” Megumi interjected, snickering.

“Shut it!” Mai hissed, elbowing him. “You’re such a jerk. Why are you even here?”

“Because I’m not leaving him alone at my apartment just so you don’t have to deal with him,” Rinko stated drily, sighing at the teens’ bickering.

She’d agreed to let Megumi stay with her while his parents were out of town on an anniversary trip to celebrate their first year of marriage. His step-sister had opted to stay with a friend instead, which she understood since the girl still didn’t really know her yet.

At least Toji and his wife seemed happy. She never thought she’d see him find someone after how devastated he’d been after Megumi’s mom died. Even he had said he couldn’t see himself with anyone else and that his one-year-old son was more than enough to keep his schedule and heart full. But when he’d met his current wife, his tune had slowly begun to change, and Rinko had cackled at the heart-eyed looks he sent in the pretty woman’s direction whenever he saw her.

So, listening to the teenagers argue was a small price to see her broody cousin so happy for the first time in almost thirteen years.

But that didn’t stop her from leveling both of them with a warning glare. They shrank away, and she raised her eyebrows when they each mumbled that the other started it. Sometimes she could swear that Mai and Megumi were siblings with how much they fought.

“They act like siblings,” Gojo mused, practically echoing her own thoughts, and she turned her head to see him watching the exchange in amusement.

“Hardly,” Megumi snapped, rolling his eyes. “She wishes she had a brother as great as me–”

He yelped when Rinko reached around Mai and grabbed his ear, yanking on it.

“Last warning,” she warned firmly before looking back at Gojo. “Cousin’s kid. Toji’s.”

She doubted he remembered Toji since he’d only met him once, very briefly, before they even dated, but she was surprised when he nodded in understanding.

“Big guy, yeah?” he asked. “Paramedic?”

She blinked at him slowly as she wondered how the hell he remembered that.

“Yeah,” she confirmed, clearing her throat.

Their attention moved back to the field when they heard yelling, watching as the ball flew just past Maki’s fingertips.

“Shit!”

Her eyes snapped to Mai’s face as the girl swore, narrowing when she rolled her own.

“It’s normal, Rinko,” she argued. “You can’t tell me you never swore when you were my age.”

“Have you met my mom?” she asked incredulously. “Try that in front of your Aunt Yuzuki next time you see her and see what happens.”

The woman almost never failed to flick her nose or ear hard if she heard her swear. Especially if the words slipped in the bakery.

“Aunt Yuzu would never be upset with me,” Mai stated smugly, and Rinko had to admit that, in most cases, the girl was right. “Or Maki. She loves us too much.”

“She loves my dad, too,” Megumi said, frowning as he watched the ball change possession over and over. “But he says Aunt Yuzu can be pretty scary. He tries not to swear around her.”

True. The first time he had in front of her mother had resulted in the mountain of a man yelping like a small child as the small woman pinched his ear.

“You won’t use that language in my bakery,” she’d ordered, yanking him down to her height so she could glare into his eyes. “Do you hear me, Toji? Absolutely not.”

Her mother was truly a force to be reckoned with when she wanted to be.

“Always liked your mom,” Gojo murmured, giving her a sad smile. “Guessing she’s probably not my biggest fan anymore, though.”

Not exactly, especially since Rinko had burst into the bakery through the back entrance with tears streaming down her face just hours after she and Gojo broke up. The questions of why she wasn’t enough had spilled out before she could stop them, a broken record of grief finally consuming her at the loss of not only her relationship, but also one of her best friends. Her mother had closed the shop early and sat with her, holding her tight as she let herself fall apart.

No, admittedly, Gojo Satoru was one of Kurisaki Yuzuki’s least favorite people.

“You rank higher than Naoya,” she offered quietly, watching him grimace at the mention of her half-brother. There was no point in lying to spare his feelings. “But- that’s probably about it.”

“Fair,” he muttered, running his hand through his hair. “Much as I hate it. Fair.”

2011

“Mom!” she croaked as she slammed the door open, unable to force herself to care about making a scene. It couldn’t be too busy. The holiday rush was over.

“Mom, I need you!”

Yuzuki’s concerned face peeked around the corner from the front, her expression dropping at the sight of her.

“Darling?” she asked, her eyes filling with concern. “Sweetheart, I thought you were in Tokyo–”

She shook her head, the sobs breaking free as she collapsed forward.

“He– Mom, I–”

She felt her mother’s arms around her, pulling her up and ushering her into the small office. Gentle hands pushed her to sit down in the old chair behind the desk.

“I’ll be right back, darling,” Yuzuki murmured, squeezing her. “Just let me close the shop.”

The familiar sense of guilt clawed up her throat, but for once, she found it easy to shove away. She just wanted her mom to hold her and tell her she would be okay. She wanted someone to choose her for once. Even if her mother was the only person who ever would.

Lost in her own mind, she barely noticed her mother slip back into the room. She stood when prompted before crawling onto the woman’s lap, curling in on herself. Burrowing into the comforting embrace, she made no effort to stifle the guttural sobs. A sharp ache had spread through her body, starting in her chest, and she gasped for breath. She swore her lungs would give out.

“Tell me what happened,” her mother whispered, her hand rubbing her back. “What happened, my gem?”

Her jaw trembled as she lifted her head, the words spilling from her as she explained in broken whispers. Forcing herself to vocalize the harsh reality that had all but slapped her in the face the previous evening—to admit that she’d been a fool. The fact that she’d allowed herself to be lied to. That she’d been stupid enough to believe he wanted her.

“Mom,” she choked, her chest aching. “I wanted to believe– I thought that I– why am I not enough?”

The question that sat in the back of her mind her entire life. The question of why she’d never been enough. Why her father chose to discard her before she was even born. Why he had spent the entirety of her adolescence calling her a mistake.

She’d been able to shove the questions down. Ignore them. Pretend that it didn’t matter because things were going well. Because her father had decided she was worth his time. Because she had a boyfriend who cared about her. Had chosen her.

She’d let herself believe she was enough.

Life was quick to remind her that despite what she might think, she would always just be an unwanted mistake. To remind her that in the end, she would be discarded and forgotten.

“You are enough, my gem,” Yuzuki murmured, running her fingers through her hair. “More than enough. You are my most wonderful blessing. And just because someone else doesn’t see your worth does not mean that you are any less.” She wiped her tears, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Do not let someone else’s broken lens distort your view of yourself.”

“It hurts, Mom,” she cried. She clutched her chest, desperately wishing she could reach inside and rip out whatever was causing the excruciating pain. “Why does it hurt so much? Why won’t it go away?”

“Because you’re heartbroken, darling,” her mother replied sadly. “I know it hurts. I know it does. And I wish I could take it away from you so you didn’t have to feel this way. But it will go away. Just give yourself time.”

2017

They watched as Maki dove to stop the ball, her fingertips catching it just in time to stop it from going in. As she threw it back into play, Mai’s breath hitched, stress clear on her face as she watched her twin play.

“Deep breaths,” Rinko urged, rubbing her back. “I know you want to be out there.”

Maki wanted her there, too. They both played better when the other was on the field with them. The pouts she received that morning as they complained were more evidence of how much they relied on each other.

“If we lose, Maki’s gonna blame herself,” Mai mumbled, a deep frown causing her forehead to crease. “And it’s not her fault–”

“Not yours, either,” Megumi cut her off. “The team’s gotta be able to win without you sometimes.”

There was the almost scarily mature kid Rinko knew and absolutely adored.

“Plus,” he continued, shrugging, “you wouldn’t play well with a limp, anyway. Then you’d both be blaming yourselves, and you’d probably get hurt again, too.”

“Smart kid,” Gojo noted quietly as Mai let out a reluctant sigh and leaned her head on Megumi’s shoulder. The latter flinched but said nothing else. “How much time has he spent with you?”

A lot, especially since the twins had basically moved in. She hadn’t realized when she moved to Tokyo that she’d end up being the twins’ safe haven, too.  It started when the twins begged her to come to their soccer games. Then, they begged her to let them stay the night with her after. From there, they just started showing up any time their parents fought, or they didn’t want to go home.

At this point, they spent more time at her apartment than with their own parents. She kept them safe, fed, and made sure they did their homework, so Ogi stayed off her back. It helped that her father had had a talk with his younger brother.

She’d already spent a lot of time with Megumi and Toji. He’d needed someone to keep an eye on the kid occasionally while he worked, which had been a small motivator for her moving in the first place. He couldn’t take the kid in the ambulance with him, but Rinko’s manager didn’t care if he sat in the breakroom and read a book.

And ate her damn cookies.

Either way, the twins showing up on her doorstep often meant that they spent more time with Megumi and Toji than their father ever intended. It also meant they got to have a cousin closer to their age.

They’d grown close, even if they wouldn’t admit it aloud. The kind of cousins Rinko had wished for when she was their age. While she and Toji had gotten along, their age gap had prevented them from being too close since he’d been married and had Megumi by the time she reached her teens. But he and his first wife had been safe people for her when she had to spend time with her father’s family growing up, and now, she could do the same for the twins. At the very least, she was someone who supported them when it came to chasing their passion.

Mai screamed, startling Rinko from her thoughts in time to see Miwa Kasumi score.

“Let’s fu– GO!” Mai screeched wildly, startling a few people around them. “MIWAA!”

Her heart swelled, watching the teen’s eyes light up excitedly while she cheered for her friend. She needed to see that the entire team didn’t rest on her and Maki’s shoulders.

“Looks like we might have a game on our hands,” Gojo noted. “Miwa is one of the students who asked me to come to that game a few weeks ago. Good kid. Seems a bit ditzy sometimes, but she’s actually really smart.”

Rinko turned to see him grinning at the field, pride clear in his expression. He waved back when the teen acknowledged him after she’d waved at Mai, a clear blush creeping up her neck as she quickly sprinted to rejoin the game.

“Miwa has a crush on Gojo-sensei,” Mai whispered loudly, smirking.

Not surprising. She imagined that most of his students probably had a crush on him. He’d always been one to attract that kind of attention. All he had to do was flash a smile and bat his pretty eyes, and people would turn into mush before him.

She hadn’t been immune to it, either.

“That’s not–” Gojo’s ears turned pink, and he pushed his shades up. “I mean, I don’t encourage– I just wanna support–”

“We know, sensei,” Mai snickered. “Miwa only asked you to come because we’d heard you went to the baseball game to support Muta-senpai and Kamo-senpai. You’re one of the only teachers who will show up. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

His ears went a shade darker as he cleared his throat uncomfortably. He gave Rinko a sheepish smile when Mai’s attention moved back to the game.

“I– I didn’t ask her to– say any of that.” He rubbed the back of his neck as he muttered. “I promise I’m not–”

“You were a shitty boyfriend,” she cut him off, speaking quietly so the kids wouldn’t hear. A frown began to form on his face, but he stayed silent as she continued, “But you were always a good friend. Not surprised you’re a good teacher, too.”

He had always been a good friend. Admittedly, he’d been a decent boyfriend before he cheated on her because he was supposedly afraid she was going to break up with him. But that wasn’t really the point. Despite everything, she knew for a fact he was never a bad person. Him caring about his students and their success didn’t surprise her at all, especially after finding out that he’d taken Megumi’s friend under his wing.

His being shit at a relationship didn’t make him an inherently bad person. Even at her angriest, she’d never thought that about him. It was one reason she’d missed him so much after everything fell apart.

A small, hesitant smile overtook the frown, and he nodded slightly.

“I– I try to be,” he murmured, moving his gaze back to the field. “Just– wanna be a good influence for ‘em. And I– yeah. I try to be a good teacher. Worked on– a few things over the years. For– me. Like to think I’m better than I was in college.”

2011

“You need to sleep.”

She nodded absently as she stared down at her notes, her bottom lip firmly between her teeth while she tried to commit the definitions for endomysium and perimysium and epimysium to heart.

“Rinko-chan.” Gojo’s upside-down face crowded her vision when he leaned over her from behind, his eyes boring into hers. “I saw you sitting here twelve hours ago and you look like you haven’t moved once. Have you eaten today?”

She blinked slowly, letting his words sink in. Twelve hours? Impossible. She’d sat down in the little study nook maybe an hour ago. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she scowled when she saw he was right, she’d been there all day.

Finals were going to kill her.

“Take that look as a ‘no,’” Gojo concluded, closing her books and pulling her to her feet. “You’re not gonna learn that shit by staring at it until you go blind.”

“Not how that works,” she countered, rolling her tired eyes. “Gojo, I need to–”

“When was the last time you ate?” he asked sternly, his eyes narrowing at her when she shrugged. “Thought so.”

“I need to–”

“Eat,” he snapped, shoving her things in her backpack and heaving it over his shoulder. “And sleep.” He grabbed her wrist and began dragging her out of the library. “You’re as hopeless as Shoko sometimes. You won’t pass except out during your exams if you keep this up.”

While he had a point, it seemed rich coming from someone who had a near-photographic memory.

“You don’t even have to study,” she whined petulantly, leaning onto him as his arm wrapped around her waist. “S’not fair, ya know. The rest of us have to cram–”

“You’re smarter than you think,” he argued, rolling his eyes. “You’re gonna be fine. But only if you don’t starve yourself first. Crazy to me that someone who loves food so fuckin much would go so long without it like this.”

As they exited the library into the cool night air, her stomach growled.

“Can we–”

“Ramen, yeah,” he cut her off, grinning when she perked up. “That place you love so much that’s open late? The others said they’d meet us there once I dragged you outta your little study cave.”

2017

Warmth and excitement swirled in Rinko’s chest as she stood on the platform, the twins bouncing excitedly beside her.

Right on time, the train came to a stop, passengers slowly exiting to the sound of the monotone automated voice thanking them for trusting them with their travels.

“I see her!” Maki exclaimed.

Her mother emerged swiftly, a grin on her face, her bag over her shoulder, and her eyes searching for them through the crowd of people.

“Aunt Yuzu!”

The twins darted forward, almost tackling her to the ground.

“My sweet girls!” Yuzuki cried happily. “It’s so good to see you, dears.”

Rinko couldn’t keep the smile from her own face as they approached.

“How was the trip?” she asked, taking her mother’s bag and slinging it over her own shoulder. “No issues?”

“None at all,” the woman replied, releasing the twins and enveloping her in a tight hug. “Hi, my gem.”

“Hi, Mom,” she murmured, relaxing into her embrace. No matter how much time passed, her mother would always be home for her. “It’s good to see you.”

Yuzuki tucked a strand of hair behind Rinko’s ear as she leaned away, her hand resting on her cheek while her sharp eyes assessed her.

“It’s good to see you, too, my gem. You look well.”

“Thanks for coming all this way.”

“Anything for my most wonderful blessing,” her mother hummed, turning back to the twins. “And my favorite girls!” She squeezed them tightly. “Are my little bakers ready for this weekend?”

“Of course,” Maki replied as they led the way out of the station.

“Thanks to you, the soccer team’s booth will be everyone’s favorite!” Mai gushed. “No one else stands a chance.” 

“It’s not actually a competition,” Rinko called. “And this isn’t an excuse for the two of you to just eat your weight in cookies, either.”

“Don’t worry,” Maki replied, turning to walk backward. “We’ll only eat half our weight!”

Yuzuki snickered, meeting Rinko’s eyes briefly.

“Oh, my gem, you’ve taught them so well.”

-

The twins flit around her kitchen, following her mother’s instructions while they prepared enough cookies to feed armies.

“You’re doing wonderful,” Yuzuki praised, watching Mai mix the dough for the matcha cookies.

Maki retrieved a pan from the oven, an excited grin on her face as she picked up a miso peanut butter cookie from the tray and took a large bite.

“At least wait until after dinner,” Rinko scolded lightly, sighing when Mai grabbed a cookie as well. “Or not.”

“They’re too good not to eat at least one while they’re fresh,” Maki argued, huffing slightly when she burned her tongue. “You’re coming by tomorrow, right? Both of you?”

“Of course,” Yuzuki replied. “I wouldn’t miss getting to see you celebrating all this hard work.”

“Before I go to work,” Rinko confirmed. She couldn’t take another day off after she’d taken the entire weekend so she could be home to help with the baking. “I’ll be there.”

“You should give Gojo-sensei some cookies!” Mai exclaimed with her mouth full. “Miwa says he’s got a pretty big sweet tooth.”

Rinko tensed, avoiding her mother’s questioning eyes as she narrowed her own at Mai. She hadn’t mentioned Gojo to her mother, and she’d hoped that he would never come up in the conversation, but she knew better. The chances of her mother not running into him at the festival tomorrow were slim, especially since he would check the twins’ booth at Miwa’s request.

“I don’t see why I would–”

“Because he always sits with you at our soccer games,” Maki interjected, grinning widely as she addressed Yuzuki. “One of the teachers at our school has a huge crush on Rinko.”

“Huge,” Mai agreed dramatically. “You should see the way he looks at her–”

“That’s enough,” Rinko ordered. She pinched the bridge of her nose. “We’re not talking about this.”

The twins didn’t know the extent of her history with Gojo, and she had no intention of telling them, either. They didn’t need their image of him shattered. But they noticed that Gojo had started attending their games more often and always chose to sit with her, and they refused to let it go.

“But–”

“I’m not giving your teacher cookies,” Rinko snapped, clenching her jaw. The twins deflated slightly at her tone, and she released a heavy sigh. “I can’t be there long, anyway. I’ll only have time to drop by your booth before I have to get to work.”

-

Her mother hummed quietly while they cleaned her kitchen after their baking marathon.

The twins were fast asleep on their futons in the living room, their quiet snores telling Rinko how exhausted they truly were.

“So,” Yuzuki began, side-eyeing her carefully, “Gojo Satoru is a teacher now, hm?”

Rinko sighed, she knew this was coming.

“Apparently,” she replied hesitantly. “Ran into him at one of their games a few months ago.” She waited for her mother to speak, fidgeting uncomfortably with the sponge in her hands. “Look, I know what you’re gonna say–”

“I don’t tell you how to live your life,” Yuzuki stated calmly. “Or who to spend your time with. You’re an adult–”

“I’m not getting back together with him.” Finally meeting her mother’s eyes, Rinko silently pleaded with her to understand. “I’m not. This isn’t– he wanted to apologize when he saw me, but he knows that it doesn’t erase what happened. He sits beside me sometimes at their soccer games, but it’s nothing more than that. I just–”

“You’ve missed your friend,” her mother whispered, giving her a sad smile. “I know, sweetheart. He was your friend first before everything happened. Just– I’m so proud of the woman you’ve grown into over the years, and I just– I worry about you spending time with someone who hurt you so deeply. I don’t ever want anyone to make you question your worth like that ever again.”

Rinko couldn’t blame her mother for her concern. Not after the countless quiet mornings they’d spent in the bakery together, where her mother helped her learn how to mend her broken heart. The too-early hours when they giggled and joked as they prepared to open the bakery, the late nights where she sobbed uncontrollably in her mother’s arms when it became too much. When she slowly began finding herself and who she wanted to be. Those moments that had cemented themselves as some of her most favorite memories. Some of the best and worst times of her life. She learned about herself, learned about her mother, and they’d grown so much closer because of it.

Yuzuki released a deep sigh, wrapping her arms around her and tucking her hair behind her ear.

“It would make me a hypocrite to tell you that you’re wrong for allowing him a chance to apologize,” she mused. “Since I convinced you to give your father a chance to make things right, and that ended up being for the better. Just– just make sure that your lens stays intact, my gem.”

“I will, Mom,” she promised, leaning her head on her shoulder. “I know who I am now. I won’t let someone else change that again.”

It had taken her a long time, but she’d finally realized that the way others treated her wasn’t her fault. The way her father discarded her when she was a child wasn’t on her. The fact that Gojo had been too much of a coward to talk to her instead of seeking out someone else to boost his own ego hadn’t been on her.

Not only that, but if she really thought about it, she hadn’t been ready for that relationship, either—not really. They’d both still had so much growing up left to do.

She could almost say she was grateful because she’d been forced to dig deep and, in her mother’s words, repair her lens.

The trouble now was making sure she didn’t let someone else crack it again.

2012

“Pass me the bench scraper, darling.”

She pursed her lips and handed her mother the tool, watching as she expertly sliced the cookies from the cold log of dough.

Working in the bakery more often had served as a great distraction. Helping out during a rush was never the same as the relaxed early mornings they had before they opened. She’d come to look forward to the quiet moments again. The pot of hot tea soothed her mind as she sipped idly, listening to the consistent thud of her mother cutting the cookie dough.

“How was dinner with your father?” Yuzuki asked, her gentle voice melding with the methodical tapping as she cut the butter cookies.

Dinner with her father had become a monthly occurrence. He’d agreed to take turns between Tokyo and Kyoto, and the previous weekend had once again been her turn to travel. She’d finally reached the point where the train ride didn’t feel like she was ripping her chest open with the memory of that first dinner months ago.

“Not so bad,” she admitted reluctantly. “Naoya’s still a little shit — I won’t change my opinion on that — but Naobito can be… tolerable, I guess.”

“Well,” Yuzuki grinned mischievously as she spoke, wiping a bit of flour on her nose. “Noaya has always been a little shit, darling.”

“Mom,” she gasped dramatically, grabbing a towel and cleaning her face. “I can’t believe you’d use that language in your bakery!”

They dissolved into giggles, completely ignoring that she had sworn first.

When they finally calmed down, their chests heaving as they caught their breath, she leaned her head on her mother’s shoulder. An overwhelming warmth filled her chest when her mother’s arms wrapped around her, squeezing lightly.

It was almost five in the morning. They would be opening in a little over an hour, and the scent of fresh bread had already begun to fill the air. Her stomach growled at the thought of the croissants her mother would half-heartedly scold her for swiping. She couldn’t think of anywhere she’d rather be than right here.

“Hey, Mom?”

“Hm?” Yuzuki ran her fingers through Rinko’s hair, giggling again when her face scrunched at the streaks of flour left behind. “Yes, my gem?”

“I love you,” Rinko replied quietly, hugging her tight. “I dunno what I’d do without you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart,” her mother hummed in response, her grin softening. “And I hope you never have to find out.”

2017

Satoru took a deep breath, forcing his legs to keep walking as he approached the booth set up by the girl’s soccer team.

His students mentioned that the Zenin twins brought enough cookies to feed the entire school, and he knew that likely meant that they’d gotten some help. With how close the two were to Rinko, there was only one person who made sense to help them make upwards of ten dozen cookies. A familiar scent filled his nose, and his chest tightened at the sight of a woman he hadn’t seen in almost six years.

“Gojo-sensei!” Miwa Kasumi exclaimed. “You made it! What do you think of our booth?”

“Looks great,” he replied honestly, nodding toward the decorations. His eyes didn’t stray from the woman who turned slowly to give him a skeptical look. “Did a great job. And everyone’s talkin’ about the sweets you’ve got, too.”

“Gojo Satoru.” Kurisaki Yuzuki stared at him, a strained smile on her face as her eyes seemed to stare straight through him.

He saw no sign of Rinko, which likely meant she was at work. She wouldn’t miss something like this for the twins.

“Kurisaki-sama,” he greeted, shoving his hands in his pockets. “When my students said that the Zenin twins brought cookies, I figured you had to have something to do with it.”

“Oh, they did all the hard work,” Yuzuki replied. She crossed her arms. “My daughter, too. I assume you’ll want some of the caramel miso butter cookies? Those were your favorite if I remember correctly.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “It’s, uh, it’s good to see you–”

“Gojo-sensei,” Mai interjected, holding a bag of cookies out for him. “My cousin asked me to–”

“Mai,” Yuzuki cut her off, her gaze turning sharp. “Don’t lie to your teacher.”

The girl flinched, pouting at the woman dramatically.

“Fine,” she mumbled, shoving the cookies toward him anyway. “Here are your cookies, Gojo-sensei.”

He picked them up awkwardly, clearing his throat as he summoned the courage to speak again. 

“Thanks,” he managed, meeting Yuzuki’s eyes again. “I– how’s the bakery doing?”

“You know about the bakery, Gojo-sensei?” Miwa asked, her eyes widening.

“I went to school in Kyoto,” he informed the teen, knowing he was digging a hole for himself. He doubted the twins knew he and Rinko had dated, and he hoped they didn’t know that he’d fucked up so catastrophically with her. “Kurisaki-sama’s bakery is close to campus, and–”

“And his friend group overlapped with my daughter’s,” Yuzuki finished lightly. “My bakery is doing great, Satoru. Thank you for asking. I heard that you’ve been attending my girls’ soccer games lately.”

It was entirely possible that he imagined the threat in her tone, but he knew better.

“Yeah,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his head. “It’s been nice getting to catch up with Rinko, too. Great getting to see an old friend.”

Yuzuki’s eyes narrowed, and he took a deep breath.

“I, uh, you really like tea, right?” he asked. “The volleyball team set up a tea shop as their booth. I could show you?”

Part of him hoped she’d refuse, but he knew that would be the coward’s way out. He had to face her and let her know that he understood the weight of his mistakes. Even though he knew that she would likely never forgive him, he needed to do the right thing. On top of that, he needed to quit deluding himself with the hope that apologizing to Rinko —and her mother— would somehow earn him a second chance he knew he didn’t deserve. But that didn’t change that he needed to apologize because it was the right thing to do. Face his fears and own up to his actions.

“That’d be lovely,” Yuzuki agreed. “I’ll be back in a bit, girls.”

She didn’t speak again as they sat down, her mouth set in a frown while she watched him carefully. The silence unnerved him, and he ran his hand through his hair as their tea was placed in front of them.

“I can’t imagine what you think I might want to hear from you, Satoru,” she remarked after she’d taken a sip.

“For one, I thought you might want to– I could tell you were holding back in front of the twins, so I wanted to give you the chance to– I know you probably have some choice words for me–”

“‘Choice words’ would be an understatement,” Yuzuki cut him off. Her glare felt like it would burn him alive. “You deserve much worse than choice words after what you did. The fact that you have the audacity to sit across from me so casually is truly astounding.”

He felt anything but casual while he fought the instinct to get out as fast as possible.

“You were one of her best friends,” Yuzuki continued. “Do you understand what that meant? Do you understand how badly you hurt her? You didn’t just break her heart, you betrayed her trust as her friend, too. She trusted you, Satoru. She let herself believe in you, and you proved yourself completely unworthy of that trust.”

Of course he knew. He’d lost one of his best friends. His selfishness had cost him one of his favorite people in the world, something he’d felt in his soul the moment he’d seen her with her father that night in the restaurant. When he’d felt his chest ache at the sight of her the next morning, clearly trying not to let him see her cry and his world really crashed down around him.

“-or was that the mistake? Me?”

No, she wasn’t the mistake. The mistake had been doubting her for even a second, and he’d regretted it from the moment he’d realized what he’d done. He’d thought that her visiting Tokyo without telling him had confirmed his fears. Thought that it proved she was going to break up with him until he got home to find her bag in his room. He still remembered the guilt choking him when his mother told him she’d been planning on surprising him until something came up.

He’d been too much of a coward to admit to his mother that the something was him being a fucking idiot and ruining everything.

“I– I know that words will never make up for what I did,” he finally whispered, staring at the table. “But I am sorry that I hurt her, for how I hurt her. It’s still one of my biggest regrets.”

Yuzuki said nothing, and he took a slow sip of his tea while he waited for her to speak. He didn’t expect her to believe him, but at least he’d said his peace.

She set her tea back down, her quiet sigh reaching his ears.

“You’ve obviously grown quite a bit since the last time I saw you,” she began carefully. “I can tell that you’re sincere in your apology, too.” She took a deep breath. “But I don’t forgive you, Satoru.”

He nodded, lifting his eyes to hers again.

“I know,” he admitted, still feeling his heart sink in his chest at her words. He did know she wouldn’t forgive him, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear. “I just– I wanted to do the right thing, even if it’s too late. She– both of you– deserve that much after what I did.”

“I don’t need anything from you,” she replied evenly, crossing her arms. “But I can appreciate the effort, I suppose.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “What is it that you want from me?”

“You’ve already given it,” he told her, letting his shoulders sag. “You listened. I don’t– you’ve already given more than I expected, honestly. I’m– I can be content just knowing that I at least apologized and took responsibility for what I did.”

He wanted another chance with Rinko, but he knew that wasn’t something Yuzuki could even offer. He also knew that he didn’t deserve it anyway. He had to be okay with knowing there were some mistakes that couldn’t be fixed.

“I can’t control my daughter, nor do I try to.” Yuzuki released a heavy sigh. “She’s capable of making her own decisions and knowing how to take care of herself. I can respect that she’s allowed you to have a small space in her life again. But know this, Satoru-” she leaned forward, her eyes boring into his- “if you ever break her heart again in any way, I will send Toji after you.”

From the look in her eye, he knew that Toji would be the least of his worries.

AN: I hope this sheds just a bit of light on Gojo's mindset, how Rinko dealt with things, and how much she's grown as a person. While Gojo fucked up BIG TIME, his mistake years ago doesn't mean he's a bad person, and it also doesn't mean he was a bad person then, either. People make mistakes. They do things they shouldn't, and sometimes those things are worse than others. But it's how they react afterward that matters. It's important that he's facing his mistakes and owning up to them, even though he knows that doesn't mean he'll have another chance with Rinko.

I might post an author discussion about this story because I have so many thoughts about how I want it to develop if I continue it. I'd also kinda like to discuss the overall theme of the story, which is really self-discovery and healing. We'd be following Rinko's journey to learning to love herself no matter what happens.

[siriuslysatorusimping]

*Preview* Still Untitled (Gojo Satoru oneshot)

Hi. I've still been working on this super self-indulgent thing and I still love it and I realized it's partially because I wanted it to have a healthy relationship with them learning and growing together. People aren't perfect. And this story is meant to showcase that just a tiny bit. Still don't have a title 🙃 and still don't know if I'll finish it, but here's another lil preview! I might post a lil bit of the story that I've been drafting based off The Vow at some point, too... 🤔

Kiko’s Masterlist

Frustration oozed from her pores as she shoved the front door closed and slipped her shoes off. A shitty day at work had been accompanied by shitty luck on the way home.

She’d wanted to stop and get some of the sweets Satoru loved so much as an apology for yelling and accusing him that morning, but she’d been held up at work, and the shop had been closed by the time she was finally able to leave. Just her luck. She just hoped his favorite takeout was enough to make up for the lack of treats. 

Grumbling to herself, she froze at the sight of Satoru watching her cautiously from the couch.

“Hi,” Rinko greeted awkwardly, inwardly cringing when he just raised his eyebrows. “Did you– how was your day?”

“Bit of a rough start,” he began drily, shrugging. “Was fine after that. Got some grading done. Yours?”

“Same,” she replied, gnawing on her bottom lip.

I’m sorry for acting like a deranged bitch this morning and accusing you of throwing my work ID away when I was actually just too stupid to check all the pockets of my bag.

She just needed to spit it out.

I’m sorry for yelling at you–

Instead, she held the bag of takeout up for him to see.

“I got dinner on the way home,” she informed him lamely, and he nodded, pushing himself to his feet.

“I’ll grab plates.” He kissed her cheek lightly as he walked past, the guilt in her stomach growing at the gesture of affection. “Thanks, baby.”

Spit it out.

They ate in silence, her gut churning with every moment that passed between them while they sat on either side of the table.

When they finished, she shoved herself to her feet, feeling antsy as she retrieved their plates and fled to the kitchen.

She’d waited too long now. She should have just apologized as soon as she got home. It wasn’t that hard. Why was she struggling so much? Why was it so difficult for her to just admit she’d been wrong? What if this was the final straw after he’d said that they needed to work on things? What if–?

“I can do the dishes since you got dinner.” Satoru’s voice jolted her from her thoughts, and she jumped.

“No, I’ve got it,” she replied, turning the water on hastily as she blinked against the tears that had formed in her eyes. “Just got distracted.”

Why was she crying when she’d been the one wrong? It was selfish of her to cry when he was the one who should be upset. If she kept stalling, then he really would realize that he shouldn’t have even bothered trying to fix things when they weren’t working. That he really should have just broken up with her instead of wasting his time.

“I’ve got these,” she repeated, fighting to keep her voice even. She would apologize once she’d gotten a hold of herself so he didn’t think she was trying to make him feel bad. “It’s the weekend, so you should–”

“You worked today,” he argued gently, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Baby, it’s not a big deal. I can–”

“I’ll do it!” Rinko snapped defensively, her voice cracking as another wave of guilt slammed into her. Panic settled in her chest, and her jaw trembled under the weight of his stunned silence. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have– fuck. Satoru, I’m sorry. Please don’t–” please don’t give up on me.

One of his arms wrapped around her waist, the other turning the faucet off before pulling her away from the sink.

“Take deep breaths,” he urged. “I’m right here.”

Shaking her head, she bit back the pathetic sob that almost broke free. She’d fucked up. She didn’t deserve him comforting her after lashing out at him twice. At this point, she couldn’t blame him if he decided she wasn’t worth it anymore.

“Rinko, you gotta breathe,” he reminded her calmly. “I’m here.”

I don’t deserve for you to be here.

“Doesn’t fuckin matter what you think you deserve,” he stated firmly. “S’not how this works, sweetheart.”

“How–”

Her voice caught in her throat, the lump forming stopping the words before she even knew what she was trying to say.

“Breathe first.” Satoru took a deep breath, the feeling of his chest rising and falling against her back somehow anchoring her own shallow gasps. “That’s it.”

Blinking quickly again, she sucked in a deep breath before finally blurting the words out around her hiccups.

“I’m so-sor-ry for blam-ing you this mm-morning.” 

“I know you are, baby,” he replied, almost sounding amused. “I forgive you.”

“And I’m sorry for yelling. And for snapping at you. And–”

“I forgive you, Rinko-chan,” he repeated, nudging his nose against her cheek. “Thank you for apologizing.”

“I shouldn’t have accused you of throwing my ID away,” she continued, shrinking in on herself. “And I shouldn’t have snapped at you, either.”

“No,” he hummed in agreement. “But you did. You were panicking. Doesn’t make it okay, but I probably would’ve too, so I understand.”

“But–”

“I love you,” he cut her off, squeezing her tighter. “I’m not gonna stop loving you just because you snapped when you were upset.” 

She squirmed, and he rested his chin on her shoulder.

“S’where you tell me you love me too, ya know,” he pouted. “No pressure or anything–”

“I do love you,” she whispered, her throat tight again as tears slid down her cheeks. “Satoru, I’m so sorry–”

“Already forgiven,” he reminded gently. “Quit beating yourself up, baby. It happens. We both get upset sometimes. Thank you for apologizing and for getting dinner on the way home.”

“I should’ve just apologized when I got home,” she admitted, sniffling. “I’m sorry I didn’t. But I– thank you for–”

“I was giving you space earlier because I didn’t wanna make you feel worse or like I was pressuring you, but I forgot that’s not how you think,” he murmured. “I like space, but that doesn’t help you. Giving you space just gives your brain time to overthink things.”

Her mouth pulled down into a grimace, and he chuckled.

“We know each other pretty well by now, yeah?” he teased. “We’re okay, Rinko-chan. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”

Closing her eyes, she nodded and leaned into him.

“Go sit down,” he ordered, releasing her and pushing her out of the kitchen. “I’ve got the dishes– uh-uh,” he swatted her ass lightly when she went to protest, “go sit your cute little ass down and keep my spot warm for me while I do the dishes.”

She loved this man with her entire heart.

[siriuslysatorusimping]

*Preview* Before I Love You - Part 2: Broken Lens (Gojo Satoru)

*nervous laughter* you guys ready for a bit of angst?

I'm actually pretty excited to post this part of Before I Love You, so I hope you guys like this lil preview 😬

2017

“Look, I know what you’re gonna say–”

“I don’t tell you how to live your life,” Yuzuki stated calmly. “Or who to spend your time with. You’re an adult–”

“I’m not getting back together with him.” Finally meeting her mother’s eyes, Rinko silently pleaded with her to understand. “I’m not. This isn’t– he wanted to apologize when he saw me, but he knows that it doesn’t erase what happened. He sits beside me sometimes at their soccer games, but it’s nothing more than that. I just–”

“You’ve missed your friend,” her mother whispered, giving her a sad smile. “I know, sweetheart. He was your friend first before everything happened. Just– I’m so proud of the woman you’ve grown into over the years, and I just– I worry about you spending time with someone who hurt you so deeply. I don’t ever want anyone to make you question your worth like that ever again.”

Rinko couldn’t blame her mother for her concern. Not after the countless quiet mornings they’d spent in the bakery together, where her mother helped her learn how to mend her broken heart. The too-early hours when they giggled and joked as they prepared to open the bakery, the late nights where she sobbed uncontrollably in her mother’s arms when it became too much. When she slowly began finding herself and who she wanted to be. Those moments that had cemented themselves as some of her most favorite memories. Some of the best and worst times of her life. She learned about herself, learned about her mother, and they’d grown so much closer because of it.

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Untitled (angsty unfinished Goinko AU blurb)

I'll never finish this, and it's choppy with a ton of different little jumps around. BUT HERE IT IS lol. There's no resolution because it's not finished. So if you aren't in a place where you can handle angst with no resolution, please be aware of that. (as someone who is also tired of angst with no happy ending, I'm sorry 😭). I've been in a very angsty mood lately, for obvious reasons...

I'll also provide some context before you start reading since this is literally nowhere near fleshed out. In this non-curse AU, Rinko moved to Tokyo to be closer to Shoko and Nanami after her mother died.

TW: implicit mention of suicidal ideation. Please read at your own discretion.

Would love to know your thoughts if you have any 💕

As they walked, Saori talked about how she’d met her boyfriend through a few mutual friends, and they’d hit it off. She babbled excitedly about how he had been upfront with her that he’d struggled with relationships in the past but that he really wanted to figure things out with her. Apparently, they’d been together almost two years, and he’d been nothing short of wonderful.

“He’s so charming,” she sighed dreamily. “Honestly, I was surprised how caring he can be. He doesn’t seem like the type when you first meet him.”

Rinko hummed quietly, barely noticing when Saori stopped and turned when her name was called.

“Oh, Satoru!”

That had her freezing in her tracks, her lips pursed to the side.

It wasn’t an uncommon name. It couldn’t be-

“Hey, babe.” Fate was cruel. “Thanks for meeting me. How’s the first week been? That your new coworker?”

“Yeah,” Saori replied happily. “It’s been great!” They caught up with Rinko, and she took a deep breath as she turned to see him staring at her. “Satoru, this is-”

“Rinko,” Gojo breathed, blinking quickly before he cleared his throat. “Hey.”

“Oh,” Saori looked between them. “You already know each other.”

“Used to,” Rinko clarified, turning to meet Saori’s eyes. “Had a few mutual friends. But it’s been-”

“Years,” Gojo finished for her, his bright blue eyes staring at her intently. “How have you been?”

Struggled with relationships was right. The man had enough girlfriends to start a damn harem. He got bored easily, she’d realized. Short attention span. He needed excitement, which he thought meant constant spontaneity. Constant change. Always something new. And she hadn’t felt new after a year or so.

She’d expected it, with how distant he became, how uninterested he was in spending time together. Considered herself lucky she’d even made it a year with him.

But it had been inevitable for him to get bored of her.

“Been good,” she replied, turning away. “We should try to beat the lunch rush if we can.”

Saori, bless her, was trying to figure out how to keep the conversation going. But every attempt to talk to Gojo was met with a distracted hum, and the last thing Rinko wanted to do was sit and talk to Gojo and the person who had apparently been able to change his mind about relationships. There was no escaping, though. After lunch, she was returning to work alongside this woman. And she needed to act like a fucking adult because she was more than capable of being one.

A college boyfriend shouldn’t even phase her, so why did she even care now?

They hadn’t worked out. It wasn’t like he’d promised her marriage or the world. She’d clearly been a stepping stone for him learning how to be in a relationship, and that was fine. People did that all the time. That was what dating was.

 “So, you’re friends with Shoko?” Saori asked tentatively.

“Yeah,” Rinko answered, nodding. It wasn’t Saori’s fault that, for some fucking reason, seeing Gojo again dug up all those damned questions she’d had about her own worth years ago. “We grew up together.”

The double dates with Shoko and Geto had been one reason they’d even started dating in the first place. Out of convenience so it wasn’t so damn awkward. That was it. It was never meant to be anything more than that. She was never something that was meant to be kept-

For fuck’s sake, that was way too dramatic.

“Shoko’s so wonderful,” Saori noted, grinning. “It’s amazing she’s able to put up with Suguru so well.”

Rinko snorted, nodding again as she thought about how insufferable those two had been when they started dating.

“Like two pieces of a fucking puzzle,” she’d complained in disgust, throwing one of the pillows from their couch at them. “You two really were meant for each other.”

Five years and going strong. She was positive Geto would be proposing any time now since Shoko would be starting her residency soon.

“It’s why she drinks so much,” Rinko said lightly. “Her drinking picked up right around when they started dating.”

“She does drink quite a bit!” Saori giggled, her eyes lighting up. “Her tolerance is incredible-”

“Been that way since high school,” Rinko informed her, shrugging. “She’s been a borderline alcoholic since she was sixteen. At least she and Geto quit smoking.”

Wrapping her arms around Shoko tightly, she grinned at her best friend.

“Happy for you,” Rinko murmured, squeezing her. “It’s about damn time.”

“I was waiting for the right moment,” Geto argued, tugging her into a hug of his own. “But thanks for your congrats-”

“He blurted it out while I was on the toilet,” Shoko informed her, snickering at Geto’s wide-eyed look. “If that isn’t real love, I guess I don’t know what is.”

Rinko gagged but couldn’t help cackling along with her. It really sounded like those two idiots.

“Imagine when you two have kids,” she gasped, smacking Shoko on the arm as they bent over. “‘Your daddy proposed to me while I was taking a shit-’”

“You’re the worst kind of person,” Geto sighed, waving happily at someone behind her. “Satoru! You’re late.”

“Got held up,” his voice drawled, followed by a giggle from Saori. “Distracted-”

She needed a fucking drink.

“More information than I wanted,” Geto scoffed, giving his best friend a hug. “Glad you could make it.”

“‘Course,” Gojo replied, grinning. “It’s about damn time.”

Geto slapped his hand over Shoko’s mouth before she could say anything.

“You don’t have to tell everyone about-”

“The fact that you blurted out that you wanted her to marry you while she was taking a shit?” Rinko asked for her, accepting the high five. “I feel like she definitely needs to tell everyone. I’ll make sure it goes the little ‘save the date’ flyers you send-”

A hand covered her mouth from behind, the voice in her ear annoyed.

“Please, stop,” Nanami deadpanned, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “I didn’t want to know that.”

“And there are things I wish I didn’t know about you,” she lamented, bumping her hip against his girlfriend’s playfully. “But we all suffer for our friends. When are you two gonna get married?”

“Soon,” he replied, smirking. “But I won’t be asking her while she’s-”

“I hate all of you,” Geto groaned, turning when the waitress called his name for their table. “Why am I still friends with any of you?”

“Because you’re marrying my best friend,” Rinko said smugly, looping her arm through Shoko’s. “We’re a package deal, remember?”

He grumbled as they took their seats, and she tensed when Nanami ended up next to Geto instead of Gojo.

“Still third-wheeling those two, huh?” Gojo teased, taking the seat next to her. “Gets a bit more tolerable when you have someone, too, ya know.”

As things began winding down, Rinko finally let her head rest on her arms as she closed her eyes.

“You okay?”

She was fucking exhausted.

Wedding planning with Shoko on top of trying to figure out how the fuck she could take care of the twins threatened to push her over the edge.

At least with the wedding being out of the way, she would only have one major thing to worry about.

Like how she might be able to afford lawyers to fight Ogi so the twins didn’t have to go back to her piece of shit uncle.

“Hey.” Gojo poked her lightly when she didn’t respond. “You alive?”

Catching his hand when he went to poke her again, she lifted her head groggily.

“What is it?” she asked, blinking quickly to stay awake. “What’s wrong? Does Shoko need something?”

“When was the last time you slept?” he asked, his eyes watching her face closely. “You look like shit.”

“Sure know how to charm a girl,” she muttered, reaching for her water. “I���m fine.”

“You look tired,” he repeated. “Are you okay?”

She missed her mom. She would know what to do. How to handle everything. But maybe that was why she was so overwhelmed to begin with. Nothing had felt right since she’d lost her mom.

“Got a lot going on lately.” She gave a light shrug. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

Setting her shoes to the side, she released a heavy breath.

There wasn’t much point left in staying. The twins hated her because she’d let them down. Her mother was gone. No one needed her anymore.

There’d barely been much of a point for her to keep going without her mother, anyway.

She wondered where she’d gone wrong. Why things had gone to hell. Why her mother had to die. Why she’d been born in the first place.

A stepping stone? More like a hindrance. Nothing she did ever made a difference. The fact that she’d disappointed the twins so heavily proved that.

She’d only ever been something to hold Shoko back, too. Always tagging along and forcing her to constantly worry about her-

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

The voice startled her, and she slipped, her grasp on the rail not holding as she fell.

Peace. She could finally just sleep-

A hand grabbed her arm, roughly hauling her back onto the bridge.

“What the fuck?” Gojo snarled, grabbing her shoulders and shaking. “What are you fucking doing?”

“What are you- why are you- how-”

“Shoko asked me to check on you,” he snapped, clenching his jaw. Her best friend had wasted time on her honeymoon to ask him to check on her. “Said it was- what the fuck do you think you’re doing? Do you know how upset people would be? How much your friends would miss-”

“They’ll forget,” she cut him off, pushing him away. “They- don’t need me. No one does. And I-”

“What about the twins?” he fumed, refusing to let her go. “The twins need-”

Her chest hurt, and she tried to move back to the edge as he held her back.

“I lost them,” she admitted, grasping her hair in her hands as her legs gave out. Sinking to the ground, she let the sobs shake through her. “I couldn’t help them. I couldn’t- fucking do anything for them. They- they fucking hate me-”

“Your mom wouldn’t want you to-”

“She’s dead,” she cried, gasping for air. She tried to claw her way toward the edge, but his hold only tightened around her. “And I’ve wished she’d taken me with her every second she’s been gone. I don’t- I don’t have any- there’s nothing left for me and I- just want to sleep-”

“Then take a fucking nap,” he snapped, grasping her face. “This- this isn’t- Rinko, you can’t just-”

“Just- please just let me-”

“No.”

So, not so fun fact: it's a common practice in Japan for people to leave their shoes when they commit suicide so that people will know to contact their families. Adults will typically leave their wallets as well because that makes it easier.

Also, I know it's bad to make light of a dark situation like that, but I kinda cackled when I wrote that last bit with Gojo responding to Rinko saying she just wants to sleep by telling her to take a nap. It just feels so on-brand for the two of them.

I feel very vulnerable posting this lol because I feel like it might be too dark? But hopefully it’s still okay 🙃

[siriuslysatorusimping]

*Excerpt* Possible Before I Love You continuation (Gojo Satoru)

ALRIGHT. YOU WANTED ANGST?? HERE’S A TASTE OF ANGST 🙃🙃

I haven’t decided if this will become a full part, but here’s a bit of fluff and angst for you VULTURES(I say this lovingly 😂)

If you haven’t already, you can read Before I Love You here or on AO3 💕

2017

They watched as Maki dove forward, just missing the ball as it flew past her fingertips.

“Shit!”

Rinko whipped her head to give Mai a look.

“It’s normal, Rinko,” she argued, jutting her bottom lip out further. “You can’t tell me you never swore when you were my age.”

“Have you met my mom?” she asked incredulously. The woman never hesitated to flick her ear or nose hard whenever she heard Rinko swear, even now. “Try swearing in front of your Aunt Yuzuki next time you see her and see what happens-”

“Aunt Yuzu would never be upset with me,” Mai stated smugly. “Or Maki. We’re her favorites.”

Because they reminded her of Rinko. She’d told her as much the first time she’d gotten to meet them.

“I dunno,” Megumi noted, his eyes not leaving the field as the ball changed possession over and over. “My dad says Aunt Yuzu can be pretty scary. He doesn’t swear around her.”

Rinko snickered as she thought about the first time Toji had sworn in front of her mother. The look of terror on the grown-ass man’s face when her mother stalked toward him was never not entertaining.

2011

“Darling?” Yuzuki asked, her eyes filling with concern. “Sweetheart, I thought you were in Tokyo-”

She shook her head, the sobs breaking free as she collapsed forward.

“He- Mom, I-”

She felt her mother’s arms around her, pulling her up and ushering her into the small office. Gentle hands pushed her to sit down in the old chair behind the desk.

“I’ll be right back, darling,” Yuzuki murmured, squeezing her quickly. “Just let me close the shop.”

The familiar sense of guilt clawed up her throat, but for once, she found it easy to shove away. She just wanted her mom to hold her and tell her she would be okay. She wanted someone to choose her for once. Even if her mother was the only person who ever would.

[siriuslysatorusimping]

*Blurb* Before I Love You continuation

Hi, I need this reminder almost daily, and it's one of my favorite things I've written for anything Goinko-related since I wrote this months ago. IDK if/when I'll post part 2 for Before I Love You, but this interaction between Rinko and Yuzuki is something that I think is incredibly important for everyone.

Before I Love You, Part 1

2011

“You are enough, my gem,” Yuzuki murmured, running her fingers through her hair. “More than enough. You are my most wonderful blessing. And just because someone else doesn’t see your worth does not mean that you are any less.” She wiped her tears, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Do not let someone else’s broken lens distort your view of yourself.”

“It hurts, Mom,” she cried. She clutched her chest, desperately wishing she could reach inside and rip whatever was causing the excruciating pain out. “Why does it hurt so much? Why won’t it go away?”

“Because you’re heartbroken, darling,” her mother replied sadly. “I know it hurts. I know it does. And I wish I could take it away from you so you didn’t have to feel this way. But it will go away. Just give yourself time.”

As someone who has struggled with my mental health and my own worth for as long as I can remember, and I've realized over time that it's partially influenced by a deep-seated fear of abandonment due to being adopted, the line from Yuzuki about not letting someone else's broken lens distort my view of myself is something I didn't realize I would need so deeply until after I wrote it.

So, this is everyone's reminder that someone else not seeing your worth never makes you any less. It says more about them than it does about you. You're beautiful and deserve love, no matter what anyone may say or think 💕

[siriuslysatorusimping]

I’ll literally never completely finish it. And idk how I feel about it really but maybe??? I also don’t have a name for it but it’s v angsty and Rinko has v unhealthy coping mechanisms in it tbh

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Author Discussion: Before I Love You - Part 2: Broken Lens

OKAY. HI. So, I wanted to talk about Before I Love You because I know people had so many thoughts about Part 1, and now that I’ve posted Part 2, there are a few things I wanted to highlight.

1) Narrative/Stylistic Choice

An important decision I made with Part 1 is that Rinko’s name isn’t used except when someone else says it. Not sure if anyone noticed, but the only two people who say her name are: Naobito and Gojo. This is incredibly important because it’s the two people she relied on to determine her self-worth. Her father treated her like shit most of her life, and that destroyed her self-image, but him trying to mend that relationship really started making her feel like she was suddenly worth his time. Her relationship with Gojo made her feel wanted. And that’s all most of us want, amiright? We just want to feel loved and wanted, and Gojo made her feel both of those—until he cheated on her.

In Part 2, we see the shift in her reclaiming her identity. As she recovered from her heartbreak, she found herself and learned to love herself without needing the validation of someone else to make her feel worthy. In the first flashback, you’ll likely notice that her name still isn’t used, only Yuzuki’s name is. In the second flashback with Gojo, it isn't used either. But at the end of the second flashback with her mother, there’s a shift. As she stands in the bakery and reflects on the situation, it’s the first time her name is used in a flashback beyond someone else saying it. All of the ‘present day’ sections in Part 2 include her name because it’s meant to show how comfortable and secure she is with herself now.

2) Rinko, Identity, and Self-Image

The purpose of this story is to highlight the idea of identity and self-worth without needing someone else to determine them. I know I struggle with it, and I see so many patterns that emphasize that others do, too. It’s easy to fall into the idea, even just subconsciously, that we need another person in our life(i.e. a relationship) to validate that we’re worthy of love. My intent with Before I Love You is to show Rinko’s healing process and learning to be happy with who she is outside of a relationship. It’s her loving herself and where she is in life without constantly craving that companionship.

She has a better relationship with Naobito, but she knows now that how he treated her when she was a kid never had anything to do with her and everything to do with him. She was able to forgive him because she realized that her worth never had anything to do with his actions. And that helped her realize the same thing about Gojo cheating on her: whatever reasons he had were his problem, not hers.

Rinko’s heartbreak allowed her to grow and blossom into the person she is now. She’s close with Toji and Megumi, and the twins rely on her for safety. She’s content and happy with her life, which is why she’s in a place where she can allow Gojo that small space as her friend because she did miss her friend.

3) Gojo's Perspective

I decided to have the last bit from Gojo’s perspective because I felt it necessary to show that he’s sincere and genuine. He understands that he fucked up and that there’s nothing he can do or say that will ever fix things or earn forgiveness. His apology to Rinko, and his apology to Yuzuki, were important for his closure. They allowed him to finally close that door on a portion of his life that’s haunted him for years. Not only did he hurt Rinko and ruin their relationship, but he also lost one of his closest friends. And he knew he had no one to blame but himself.

The most important thing to emphasize about his perspective is that he expected nothing from Yuzuki when he apologized. He didn’t expect her to even believe anything he said, and he didn’t ask anything of her except to listen. He doesn’t expect her to tell Rinko, in fact, he doesn’t want her to know that he talked to Yuzuki because he doesn’t want her to think he’s only doing it to look good or gain favor. These steps he’s taking are for him to grow. That’s why they’re so important. He’s taking steps to better himself for him, not someone else. He’s not trying to win Rinko back. He’s not trying to prove that he's a better person than he used to be, he’s just trying to move on with his life and quit carrying this weight he’s had on his shoulders since college.

This story is primarily about Rinko’s healing process, but that doesn’t mean that Gojo doesn’t do some soul-searching and evolving as well.

The idea is that, at the very least, they'll become friends again now that they're older and a tiny bit wiser.

Anyway, that’s what I have for now. There’s more I could say, but I think I’ve addressed the main things I wanted to highlight! Hopefully, I made sense…

As for if I'll continue this story? Jury's out. I'm leaving each ending hopeful to provide at least some closure while also keeping the possibility of continuation open!

[siriuslysatorusimping]

I'm normally not an angsty type of fic reader, but I am surprised by how much i really liked the unfinished blurb that I am going to refer to as the sad "stepping stone" goinko fic

☆-anon

OPE 'stepping stone' is actually a really good name 🤔 might have to steal it 👀

I’m so glad you liked it! Like I said, I’ve been in a very angsty mood lately.

That fic is uhhhhhh... a mess. It's a mess. This Rinko really just needs a fucking hug. I could go on a huge rant about some of the behind the scenes or the things I do have fleshed out, but I will save that for another time when it's actually wanted/asked for 😂

Thank you so much for reading even though angst isn't your typical preferred type of fic!! 💕💕

[siriuslysatorusimping]

End of the Year Poll - Angsty Installments

SO, I haven't included most of Shibuya/Post Shibuya because this poll is focused on Rinko/Gojo angst!

I also did not include Something Important because while it's angsty, I feel it'll fit better in a different poll. Not sure which one yet, but I don't feel like it really belongs in the angsty poll!

[siriuslysatorusimping]

*Preview* Before I Love You continuation...

I've decided I'll likely do at least one more part of Before I Love You. BUT each part will end in a way that could be the full conclusion 😬

EITHER WAY, HERE IS A SMALL PREVIEW SINCE I'VE MADE THE CARAMEL MISO BUTTER COOKIES 😊

2012

“Pass me the bench scraper, darling.”

She pursed her lips as she passed the tool to her mother, watching as she expertly sliced the cookies from the cold log of dough. Working in the bakery more often had helped to take her mind off of things.

Helping out during a rush was never the same as the relaxed early mornings they had before they opened. She’d come to look forward to the quiet moments again. The pot of hot tea soothed her mind as she sipped idly, listening to the consistent thud of her mother cutting the cookie dough.

“How was dinner with your father?” Yuzuki asked, her gently voice melding with the methodical tapping as she cut the butter cookies.

It was a monthly occurrence now. Her father had agreed to take turns where they met, and it had been her turn to visit Tokyo again the previous weekend. She’d finally reached the point where the train ride didn’t feel like she was ripping her chest open with the memory of-

“Not so bad,” she admitted reluctantly. “Naoya’s still a little shit. I won’t change my opinion on that. But Naobito can be… tolerable, I guess.”

“Well,” Yuzuki grinned mischievously, wiping a bit of flour on her nose. “Noaya has always been a little shit, darling.”

“Mom,” Rinko gasped dramatically. “I can’t believe you’d use that language in your bakery!”

They both dissolved into giggles, completely ignoring that she had sworn first. She leaned on her mother when they finally calmed down, their chests heaving as they caught their breath.

It was almost five in the morning. They would be opening in a little over an hour, and the scent of fresh bread had already begun to fill the air. Her stomach growled at the thought of the croissants her mother would half-heartedly scold her for swiping.

An overwhelming warmth filled her chest as her mother’s arms wrapped around her.

“Hey, Mom?”

“Hm?” Her mother ran her hand through her hair gently, her giggling starting back up when the latter scrunched her face at getting flour in her hair. “Yes, my gem?”

“I love you,” she replied quietly, hugging her tight. “I dunno what I’d do without you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart,” her mother hummed in response, her grin widening. “And I hope you never have to find out.”

[siriuslysatorusimping]

If I really decide to continue Before I Love You, it will have a relatively heavy focus on the fact that Rinko did not allow Gojo cheating on her to define her as a person. She worked on herself, focusing on her own happiness and growth and carved a life for herself where she still has her mom, she’s close-ish with Toji (which is clear because Megumi knows where the break room is and that she definitely has cookies there), and serves as the safest, most stable adult figure in the twins’ life.

She didn’t allow a breakup to shape her entire life, nor did she decide to continue an endless cycle of pain that would have only resulted in more misery.

The reason she allowed Gojo back into her life in a limited capacity was because she missed her friend, and he showed that he had changed and grown. On top of that, he’d always been a good friend. Just a shitty boyfriend.

BUT I will include a confrontation with Yuzuki if I continue it 👀

I know this is probably a very unpopular opinion but I’m so tired of seeing Gojo fics where he cheats/breaks up with her and she ends up with/gets revenge with Geto.

If I wanted to read a Geto fic, I would search for Geto.

Also, it’s so overdone? So sick of love triangles.

I also think it feeds the idea that people can never be friends without ulterior motive and I’m not a fan of that either.

On top of that, what about a breakup where the person decided to focus on their own happiness beyond spiting someone?? Instead of acting like a literal child??

Obviously people can write what they want. I just wanted to get this off my chest.

[siriuslysatorusimping]

*Preview* Untitled (Gojo Satoru oneshot)

Hi. This Goinko idea kinda hit me a while ago, and I've been having a lot of fun with it. I don't know when I'll finish it, but I thought it'd be fun to share a little snippet since I've been enjoying it so much 😬 It's very fluffy. The finished version will have a lil bit of angst. I'd really, really love to know your thoughts if you have any!

Kiko's Masterlist

"This—us. What are we doing? We never talk. We get home and eat in almost silence and then sit and watch TV until we go to bed. Are you happy? Do you want to be in this relationship? Because sometimes, I feel like we’re only still here because we’re both afraid of being alone.”

Pursing her lips, Rinko fought the dread that began to bloom in her chest as soon as he started speaking. Was she happy? She’d never even thought about whether she was happy. But she did want to be with him.

“We used to talk all the time, too,” he continued. “Send each other stupid things we saw during the day– don’t.” Satoru’s eyes narrowed when she slowly began to sink into the cushions beneath her. “I know where your head is going, don’t. This has nothing to do with you being enough, Rinko. Don’t do that.”

“Do you– is this you telling me you wanna break up, then?” she asked quietly, her throat closing. She should have worked harder. Been better. She’d gotten too comfortable and now she’d lost him. “Do- you want me to go?”

She supposed she could go stay with Shoko for a bit if he wanted her to leave right away–

He scooted closer, gently tugging her towards him until she sat on his lap.

“No,” he stated firmly, his hands settling on her waist. “I don’t wanna break up. I don’t want you to go anywhere. I just miss you, baby. I miss talking to you and hearing about your day. I miss cuddling while we watch TV. This is on both of us, ya know. We’ve both been so caught up in everything else that we forgot why we’re even together in the first place.”

Bumping his forehead with hers, he gave her a soft smile.

“You’re my best friend—just don’t tell Suguru I said that—but what we’re doing right now isn’t working. I just– I wanna fall in love with you all over again. There are some days I don’t even think we like each other.”

“I like you just fine,” she defended, gnawing on her bottom lip. “I love you–”

“Be honest with me, Rinko,” he cut her off. “Sometimes you can’t stand me. I know there are things about me that annoy the hell outta you, right?” Her shrug made him roll his eyes. “Fine, baby, I’ll start. You never throw your empty shampoo bottles away, and the shower looks like you’re trying to build a damn fort–”

“Sometimes the way you breathe pisses me off,” she finally blurted out, watching Satoru’s eyes widen before he started snickering. “Wait, fuck, that’s not–”

“Well, damn, baby,” he teased, his laughter shaking through her as he gasped for air. “I’m so sorry my need for oxygen gets to you–”

“That’s not what I meant!” she huffed. “I meant that sometimes you breathe really loud and it just– sometimes it just gets on my nerves. Why are you laughing?”

“Because you’re funny,” he replied easily, resting his forehead against hers. His eyes crinkled at the corners as he continued to chuckle. “D’you feel better now that you got all that off your chest?”

Rinko looked down, fidgeting with her fingers.

“I– a bit,” she admitted reluctantly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have–”

“It’s better for us to talk about this shit instead of just keeping it all in and constantly being annoyed with each other.” He pressed a light kiss to her cheek. “Now we can work on a few things together, yeah? You can start throwing your shampoo bottles away, and I can start trying to breathe quieter-”

She groaned, letting her head fall back before trying to scramble off his lap. His hands held tight, a teasing grin on his lips as she struggled.

“Baby,” Satoru whispered loudly in her ear, shaking her awake. “Rinko-chan, wake up!”

Rinko groaned, trying to swat him away.

“Lemme sleep,” she mumbled, snuggling further under the blankets. “Satoru–”

“I’ll drag you outta this bed, baby. You know I will.”

Her eyes snapped open to glare at him sleepily. She did know. She also knew that the prison time for murder might be worth considering if he didn’t let her sleep.

“Come outside with me,” he implored, throwing the covers away and pulling her to her feet. He shoved a beanie on her head and held her jacket out. “You gotta see this!”

“Really?” she grumbled, her lips pulling into a grumpy frown. “Satoru, we’ve seen snow before–”

“Come on, baby, humor me? Let’s play in the snow.”

“In the middle of the night–?”

She spluttered as a cold, wet blob slammed into the side of her head. Squawking, she blinked at him almost stupidly as he gave her his damned boyish grin.

“You’re joking,” she deadpanned, her eyes narrowing when she saw him holding another snowball. “Satoru, I’m warning you–”

It smacked her in the face before she could finish.

“What are you gonna do about it, baby?” he taunted, stepping back. His grin grew when she bent over, grabbed a handful of snow, and lobbed it at him.

-

AN: Thoughts? What do you guys think?

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Kiko’s Masterlist

This is a Master for the important links for my stories 😊

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Another Level Masterlist

Status: Complete

“You’re a Zenin.”

More like an unwanted mistake. Which, funny enough, had actually been the first words she ever heard her father say to her. - Kurisaki Rinko was born an unwanted bastard child to the Zenin clan, having since grown into an unwanted bastard adult. Her stubborn refusal to be discarded resulted in a display of strength that many would call (they had, many times to her face, in fact) an unhinged lack of self-preservation. But lucky for her, that unhinged display caught the attention of a particular blue-eyed menace who happens to be more fun to rile up than anyone she’s ever met.

Read Another Level on AO3

Physical Paradox Masterlist

Status: In Progress

How they went from: “I’m kinda impressed,” Gojo stated, sliding his sunglasses onto his face. “Didn’t expect a psych major to know this much about philosophical theory.” Rinko blinked at him slowly, raising her eyebrows as she scoffed. “I’m sorry, mister unresolved childhood trauma,” she said, stepping closer and poking a finger in his chest. “But I don’t really give a fuck if you’re impressed.”

To: “Your professor is leading the world of cognitive and behavioral research,” Gojo told Rinko's students, chest swelling with pride. “And she’s really pretty-” “Oh, she’s fucking gorgeous!” he agreed. “She has it all. Smart, funny, beautiful. She’s honestly perfect. It’s incredible she-” “Married you?” Touma interjected. “I know. I thought the same thing when I first met you.”

Read Physical Paradox on AO3

Gokudō Masterlist

Status: On Hold (I will finish this eventually, though)

Gokudō (極道): the extreme path. A term used to refer to members of a Yakuza syndicate.

-

“Now, why is a pretty girl like you in an ugly place like this?” “Some might say the contrast is tragically poetic,” she replied easily. “Yeah, well,” he drawled, a smirk pulling at his lips as he stepped up to stand beside her. “Others would say it’s tragically idiotic. What’s your name, pretty girl?” “Shouldn’t you introduce yourself first?” she asked, her pulse jumping at his quiet chuckle. “You already know who I am.”

-

She never asked to be part of this world. A world filled with greed and violence and revenge. She never asked to be part of the world where life was as meaningless as dust. The world stained red by the blood that pooled beneath her mother’s body after she was forced to watch her die. She never asked to be part of the world driven by hatred and bloodlust, but she never asked to leave, either.

Read Gokudō on AO3

One-Shots

Before I Love You - (angsty Gojo/Rinko AU, hopeful ending) - Part 2: Broken Lens | Author's Discussion

Fight Me? - (Nurse!Gojo shoots his shot with a grumpy patient)

Blurbs

For Your Health - (College!Gojo just wants to help his girlfriend stay healthy)

Untitled Unfinished Angst (very angsty Goinko bc Kiko is not ok)

Previews

Untitled (a self-indulgent Goinko AU about healthy relationships) - Preview 2

Bittersweet Memories (an angsty au inspired by The Vow)

Random Asks and Kiko's Rants

Ask: Advice for AO3 writers and when you're in a creativity rut

Ask: How Do I plan the plot for stories?

Rant: The issue with meaningless angst

Kiko's Original Work

Sample: Summary and blurbs

Sample: Blurbs 2

Meet some characters

Another Life - Short Story

[siriuslysatorusimping]

the way i would k!ll to read a "what if" one shot if rinko actually died before shoko came.

the angst?? to see how deeply gojo cared and how he gets absolutely destroyed. the moment he finds out itself is insane.

I will say this in the nicest way I can:

I'm not going to write that. There's a reason I took Another Level in the direction I did, and the angst levels were high enough without something like that. I don't have it in me to write it, either.

I should have said this in the last ask, but I won't be answering any other asks related to this topic.

Personally, I feel like these two have been through enough, and Another Level Goinko deserve to get to sit back and enjoy their happy ending. The man was cut in half, ffs. And he's lost enough people in his life already. Quit trying to take the one person who understands him more than anyone else.

Guys, send me fluffy asks about Another Level. Or send me angsty shit for Gokudō. But I won't do Another Level angst because they're happy and they're going to stay that way. They are gonna have super cute babies and be very cute and silly and have fun lil adventures with the kids.

Gokudō Goinko is gonna be going through it, though. Rinko not gonna be havin a great time, tbh 👀