#goinko angst

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Author Discussion: Before I Love You - Part 2: Broken Lens

OKAY. HI. So, I wanted to talk about Before I Love You because I know people had so many thoughts about Part 1, and now that I’ve posted Part 2, there are a few things I wanted to highlight.

1) Narrative/Stylistic Choice

An important decision I made with Part 1 is that Rinko’s name isn’t used except when someone else says it. Not sure if anyone noticed, but the only two people who say her name are: Naobito and Gojo. This is incredibly important because it’s the two people she relied on to determine her self-worth. Her father treated her like shit most of her life, and that destroyed her self-image, but him trying to mend that relationship really started making her feel like she was suddenly worth his time. Her relationship with Gojo made her feel wanted. And that’s all most of us want, amiright? We just want to feel loved and wanted, and Gojo made her feel both of those—until he cheated on her.

In Part 2, we see the shift in her reclaiming her identity. As she recovered from her heartbreak, she found herself and learned to love herself without needing the validation of someone else to make her feel worthy. In the first flashback, you’ll likely notice that her name still isn’t used, only Yuzuki’s name is. In the second flashback with Gojo, it isn't used either. But at the end of the second flashback with her mother, there’s a shift. As she stands in the bakery and reflects on the situation, it’s the first time her name is used in a flashback beyond someone else saying it. All of the ‘present day’ sections in Part 2 include her name because it’s meant to show how comfortable and secure she is with herself now.

2) Rinko, Identity, and Self-Image

The purpose of this story is to highlight the idea of identity and self-worth without needing someone else to determine them. I know I struggle with it, and I see so many patterns that emphasize that others do, too. It’s easy to fall into the idea, even just subconsciously, that we need another person in our life(i.e. a relationship) to validate that we’re worthy of love. My intent with Before I Love You is to show Rinko’s healing process and learning to be happy with who she is outside of a relationship. It’s her loving herself and where she is in life without constantly craving that companionship.

She has a better relationship with Naobito, but she knows now that how he treated her when she was a kid never had anything to do with her and everything to do with him. She was able to forgive him because she realized that her worth never had anything to do with his actions. And that helped her realize the same thing about Gojo cheating on her: whatever reasons he had were his problem, not hers.

Rinko’s heartbreak allowed her to grow and blossom into the person she is now. She’s close with Toji and Megumi, and the twins rely on her for safety. She’s content and happy with her life, which is why she’s in a place where she can allow Gojo that small space as her friend because she did miss her friend.

3) Gojo's Perspective

I decided to have the last bit from Gojo’s perspective because I felt it necessary to show that he’s sincere and genuine. He understands that he fucked up and that there’s nothing he can do or say that will ever fix things or earn forgiveness. His apology to Rinko, and his apology to Yuzuki, were important for his closure. They allowed him to finally close that door on a portion of his life that’s haunted him for years. Not only did he hurt Rinko and ruin their relationship, but he also lost one of his closest friends. And he knew he had no one to blame but himself.

The most important thing to emphasize about his perspective is that he expected nothing from Yuzuki when he apologized. He didn’t expect her to even believe anything he said, and he didn’t ask anything of her except to listen. He doesn’t expect her to tell Rinko, in fact, he doesn’t want her to know that he talked to Yuzuki because he doesn’t want her to think he’s only doing it to look good or gain favor. These steps he’s taking are for him to grow. That’s why they’re so important. He’s taking steps to better himself for him, not someone else. He’s not trying to win Rinko back. He’s not trying to prove that he's a better person than he used to be, he’s just trying to move on with his life and quit carrying this weight he’s had on his shoulders since college.

This story is primarily about Rinko’s healing process, but that doesn’t mean that Gojo doesn’t do some soul-searching and evolving as well.

The idea is that, at the very least, they'll become friends again now that they're older and a tiny bit wiser.

Anyway, that’s what I have for now. There’s more I could say, but I think I’ve addressed the main things I wanted to highlight! Hopefully, I made sense…

As for if I'll continue this story? Jury's out. I'm leaving each ending hopeful to provide at least some closure while also keeping the possibility of continuation open!

[siriuslysatorusimping]

*Blurb* Before I Love You continuation

Hi, I need this reminder almost daily, and it's one of my favorite things I've written for anything Goinko-related since I wrote this months ago. IDK if/when I'll post part 2 for Before I Love You, but this interaction between Rinko and Yuzuki is something that I think is incredibly important for everyone.

Before I Love You, Part 1

2011

“You are enough, my gem,” Yuzuki murmured, running her fingers through her hair. “More than enough. You are my most wonderful blessing. And just because someone else doesn’t see your worth does not mean that you are any less.” She wiped her tears, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Do not let someone else’s broken lens distort your view of yourself.”

“It hurts, Mom,” she cried. She clutched her chest, desperately wishing she could reach inside and rip whatever was causing the excruciating pain out. “Why does it hurt so much? Why won’t it go away?”

“Because you’re heartbroken, darling,” her mother replied sadly. “I know it hurts. I know it does. And I wish I could take it away from you so you didn’t have to feel this way. But it will go away. Just give yourself time.”

As someone who has struggled with my mental health and my own worth for as long as I can remember, and I've realized over time that it's partially influenced by a deep-seated fear of abandonment due to being adopted, the line from Yuzuki about not letting someone else's broken lens distort my view of myself is something I didn't realize I would need so deeply until after I wrote it.

So, this is everyone's reminder that someone else not seeing your worth never makes you any less. It says more about them than it does about you. You're beautiful and deserve love, no matter what anyone may say or think 💕

[siriuslysatorusimping]

I'm normally not an angsty type of fic reader, but I am surprised by how much i really liked the unfinished blurb that I am going to refer to as the sad "stepping stone" goinko fic

☆-anon

OPE 'stepping stone' is actually a really good name 🤔 might have to steal it 👀

I’m so glad you liked it! Like I said, I’ve been in a very angsty mood lately.

That fic is uhhhhhh... a mess. It's a mess. This Rinko really just needs a fucking hug. I could go on a huge rant about some of the behind the scenes or the things I do have fleshed out, but I will save that for another time when it's actually wanted/asked for 😂

Thank you so much for reading even though angst isn't your typical preferred type of fic!! 💕💕

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Untitled (angsty unfinished Goinko AU blurb)

I'll never finish this, and it's choppy with a ton of different little jumps around. BUT HERE IT IS lol. There's no resolution because it's not finished. So if you aren't in a place where you can handle angst with no resolution, please be aware of that. (as someone who is also tired of angst with no happy ending, I'm sorry 😭). I've been in a very angsty mood lately, for obvious reasons...

I'll also provide some context before you start reading since this is literally nowhere near fleshed out. In this non-curse AU, Rinko moved to Tokyo to be closer to Shoko and Nanami after her mother died.

TW: implicit mention of suicidal ideation. Please read at your own discretion.

Would love to know your thoughts if you have any 💕

As they walked, Saori talked about how she’d met her boyfriend through a few mutual friends, and they’d hit it off. She babbled excitedly about how he had been upfront with her that he’d struggled with relationships in the past but that he really wanted to figure things out with her. Apparently, they’d been together almost two years, and he’d been nothing short of wonderful.

“He’s so charming,” she sighed dreamily. “Honestly, I was surprised how caring he can be. He doesn’t seem like the type when you first meet him.”

Rinko hummed quietly, barely noticing when Saori stopped and turned when her name was called.

“Oh, Satoru!”

That had her freezing in her tracks, her lips pursed to the side.

It wasn’t an uncommon name. It couldn’t be-

“Hey, babe.” Fate was cruel. “Thanks for meeting me. How’s the first week been? That your new coworker?”

“Yeah,” Saori replied happily. “It’s been great!” They caught up with Rinko, and she took a deep breath as she turned to see him staring at her. “Satoru, this is-”

“Rinko,” Gojo breathed, blinking quickly before he cleared his throat. “Hey.”

“Oh,” Saori looked between them. “You already know each other.”

“Used to,” Rinko clarified, turning to meet Saori’s eyes. “Had a few mutual friends. But it’s been-”

“Years,” Gojo finished for her, his bright blue eyes staring at her intently. “How have you been?”

Struggled with relationships was right. The man had enough girlfriends to start a damn harem. He got bored easily, she’d realized. Short attention span. He needed excitement, which he thought meant constant spontaneity. Constant change. Always something new. And she hadn’t felt new after a year or so.

She’d expected it, with how distant he became, how uninterested he was in spending time together. Considered herself lucky she’d even made it a year with him.

But it had been inevitable for him to get bored of her.

“Been good,” she replied, turning away. “We should try to beat the lunch rush if we can.”

Saori, bless her, was trying to figure out how to keep the conversation going. But every attempt to talk to Gojo was met with a distracted hum, and the last thing Rinko wanted to do was sit and talk to Gojo and the person who had apparently been able to change his mind about relationships. There was no escaping, though. After lunch, she was returning to work alongside this woman. And she needed to act like a fucking adult because she was more than capable of being one.

A college boyfriend shouldn’t even phase her, so why did she even care now?

They hadn’t worked out. It wasn’t like he’d promised her marriage or the world. She’d clearly been a stepping stone for him learning how to be in a relationship, and that was fine. People did that all the time. That was what dating was.

 “So, you’re friends with Shoko?” Saori asked tentatively.

“Yeah,” Rinko answered, nodding. It wasn’t Saori’s fault that, for some fucking reason, seeing Gojo again dug up all those damned questions she’d had about her own worth years ago. “We grew up together.”

The double dates with Shoko and Geto had been one reason they’d even started dating in the first place. Out of convenience so it wasn’t so damn awkward. That was it. It was never meant to be anything more than that. She was never something that was meant to be kept-

For fuck’s sake, that was way too dramatic.

“Shoko’s so wonderful,” Saori noted, grinning. “It’s amazing she’s able to put up with Suguru so well.”

Rinko snorted, nodding again as she thought about how insufferable those two had been when they started dating.

“Like two pieces of a fucking puzzle,” she’d complained in disgust, throwing one of the pillows from their couch at them. “You two really were meant for each other.”

Five years and going strong. She was positive Geto would be proposing any time now since Shoko would be starting her residency soon.

“It’s why she drinks so much,” Rinko said lightly. “Her drinking picked up right around when they started dating.”

“She does drink quite a bit!” Saori giggled, her eyes lighting up. “Her tolerance is incredible-”

“Been that way since high school,” Rinko informed her, shrugging. “She’s been a borderline alcoholic since she was sixteen. At least she and Geto quit smoking.”

Wrapping her arms around Shoko tightly, she grinned at her best friend.

“Happy for you,” Rinko murmured, squeezing her. “It’s about damn time.”

“I was waiting for the right moment,” Geto argued, tugging her into a hug of his own. “But thanks for your congrats-”

“He blurted it out while I was on the toilet,” Shoko informed her, snickering at Geto’s wide-eyed look. “If that isn’t real love, I guess I don’t know what is.”

Rinko gagged but couldn’t help cackling along with her. It really sounded like those two idiots.

“Imagine when you two have kids,” she gasped, smacking Shoko on the arm as they bent over. “‘Your daddy proposed to me while I was taking a shit-’”

“You’re the worst kind of person,” Geto sighed, waving happily at someone behind her. “Satoru! You’re late.”

“Got held up,” his voice drawled, followed by a giggle from Saori. “Distracted-”

She needed a fucking drink.

“More information than I wanted,” Geto scoffed, giving his best friend a hug. “Glad you could make it.”

“‘Course,” Gojo replied, grinning. “It’s about damn time.”

Geto slapped his hand over Shoko’s mouth before she could say anything.

“You don’t have to tell everyone about-”

“The fact that you blurted out that you wanted her to marry you while she was taking a shit?” Rinko asked for her, accepting the high five. “I feel like she definitely needs to tell everyone. I’ll make sure it goes the little ‘save the date’ flyers you send-”

A hand covered her mouth from behind, the voice in her ear annoyed.

“Please, stop,” Nanami deadpanned, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “I didn’t want to know that.”

“And there are things I wish I didn’t know about you,” she lamented, bumping her hip against his girlfriend’s playfully. “But we all suffer for our friends. When are you two gonna get married?”

“Soon,” he replied, smirking. “But I won’t be asking her while she’s-”

“I hate all of you,” Geto groaned, turning when the waitress called his name for their table. “Why am I still friends with any of you?”

“Because you’re marrying my best friend,” Rinko said smugly, looping her arm through Shoko’s. “We’re a package deal, remember?”

He grumbled as they took their seats, and she tensed when Nanami ended up next to Geto instead of Gojo.

“Still third-wheeling those two, huh?” Gojo teased, taking the seat next to her. “Gets a bit more tolerable when you have someone, too, ya know.”

As things began winding down, Rinko finally let her head rest on her arms as she closed her eyes.

“You okay?”

She was fucking exhausted.

Wedding planning with Shoko on top of trying to figure out how the fuck she could take care of the twins threatened to push her over the edge.

At least with the wedding being out of the way, she would only have one major thing to worry about.

Like how she might be able to afford lawyers to fight Ogi so the twins didn’t have to go back to her piece of shit uncle.

“Hey.” Gojo poked her lightly when she didn’t respond. “You alive?”

Catching his hand when he went to poke her again, she lifted her head groggily.

“What is it?” she asked, blinking quickly to stay awake. “What’s wrong? Does Shoko need something?”

“When was the last time you slept?” he asked, his eyes watching her face closely. “You look like shit.”

“Sure know how to charm a girl,” she muttered, reaching for her water. “I’m fine.”

“You look tired,” he repeated. “Are you okay?”

She missed her mom. She would know what to do. How to handle everything. But maybe that was why she was so overwhelmed to begin with. Nothing had felt right since she’d lost her mom.

“Got a lot going on lately.” She gave a light shrug. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

Setting her shoes to the side, she released a heavy breath.

There wasn’t much point left in staying. The twins hated her because she’d let them down. Her mother was gone. No one needed her anymore.

There’d barely been much of a point for her to keep going without her mother, anyway.

She wondered where she’d gone wrong. Why things had gone to hell. Why her mother had to die. Why she’d been born in the first place.

A stepping stone? More like a hindrance. Nothing she did ever made a difference. The fact that she’d disappointed the twins so heavily proved that.

She’d only ever been something to hold Shoko back, too. Always tagging along and forcing her to constantly worry about her-

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

The voice startled her, and she slipped, her grasp on the rail not holding as she fell.

Peace. She could finally just sleep-

A hand grabbed her arm, roughly hauling her back onto the bridge.

“What the fuck?” Gojo snarled, grabbing her shoulders and shaking. “What are you fucking doing?”

“What are you- why are you- how-”

“Shoko asked me to check on you,” he snapped, clenching his jaw. Her best friend had wasted time on her honeymoon to ask him to check on her. “Said it was- what the fuck do you think you’re doing? Do you know how upset people would be? How much your friends would miss-”

“They’ll forget,” she cut him off, pushing him away. “They- don’t need me. No one does. And I-”

“What about the twins?” he fumed, refusing to let her go. “The twins need-”

Her chest hurt, and she tried to move back to the edge as he held her back.

“I lost them,” she admitted, grasping her hair in her hands as her legs gave out. Sinking to the ground, she let the sobs shake through her. “I couldn’t help them. I couldn’t- fucking do anything for them. They- they fucking hate me-”

“Your mom wouldn’t want you to-”

“She’s dead,” she cried, gasping for air. She tried to claw her way toward the edge, but his hold only tightened around her. “And I’ve wished she’d taken me with her every second she’s been gone. I don’t- I don’t have any- there’s nothing left for me and I- just want to sleep-”

“Then take a fucking nap,” he snapped, grasping her face. “This- this isn’t- Rinko, you can’t just-”

“Just- please just let me-”

“No.”

So, not so fun fact: it's a common practice in Japan for people to leave their shoes when they commit suicide so that people will know to contact their families. Adults will typically leave their wallets as well because that makes it easier.

Also, I know it's bad to make light of a dark situation like that, but I kinda cackled when I wrote that last bit with Gojo responding to Rinko saying she just wants to sleep by telling her to take a nap. It just feels so on-brand for the two of them.

I feel very vulnerable posting this lol because I feel like it might be too dark? But hopefully it’s still okay 🙃

[siriuslysatorusimping]

I’ll literally never completely finish it. And idk how I feel about it really but maybe??? I also don’t have a name for it but it’s v angsty and Rinko has v unhealthy coping mechanisms in it tbh

[siriuslysatorusimping]

*Preview* Before I Love You continuation...

I've decided I'll likely do at least one more part of Before I Love You. BUT each part will end in a way that could be the full conclusion 😬

EITHER WAY, HERE IS A SMALL PREVIEW SINCE I'VE MADE THE CARAMEL MISO BUTTER COOKIES 😊

2012

“Pass me the bench scraper, darling.”

She pursed her lips as she passed the tool to her mother, watching as she expertly sliced the cookies from the cold log of dough. Working in the bakery more often had helped to take her mind off of things.

Helping out during a rush was never the same as the relaxed early mornings they had before they opened. She’d come to look forward to the quiet moments again. The pot of hot tea soothed her mind as she sipped idly, listening to the consistent thud of her mother cutting the cookie dough.

“How was dinner with your father?” Yuzuki asked, her gently voice melding with the methodical tapping as she cut the butter cookies.

It was a monthly occurrence now. Her father had agreed to take turns where they met, and it had been her turn to visit Tokyo again the previous weekend. She’d finally reached the point where the train ride didn’t feel like she was ripping her chest open with the memory of-

“Not so bad,” she admitted reluctantly. “Naoya’s still a little shit. I won’t change my opinion on that. But Naobito can be… tolerable, I guess.”

“Well,” Yuzuki grinned mischievously, wiping a bit of flour on her nose. “Noaya has always been a little shit, darling.”

“Mom,” Rinko gasped dramatically. “I can’t believe you’d use that language in your bakery!”

They both dissolved into giggles, completely ignoring that she had sworn first. She leaned on her mother when they finally calmed down, their chests heaving as they caught their breath.

It was almost five in the morning. They would be opening in a little over an hour, and the scent of fresh bread had already begun to fill the air. Her stomach growled at the thought of the croissants her mother would half-heartedly scold her for swiping.

An overwhelming warmth filled her chest as her mother’s arms wrapped around her.

“Hey, Mom?”

“Hm?” Her mother ran her hand through her hair gently, her giggling starting back up when the latter scrunched her face at getting flour in her hair. “Yes, my gem?”

“I love you,” she replied quietly, hugging her tight. “I dunno what I’d do without you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart,” her mother hummed in response, her grin widening. “And I hope you never have to find out.”

[siriuslysatorusimping]

End of the Year Poll - Angsty Installments

SO, I haven't included most of Shibuya/Post Shibuya because this poll is focused on Rinko/Gojo angst!

I also did not include Something Important because while it's angsty, I feel it'll fit better in a different poll. Not sure which one yet, but I don't feel like it really belongs in the angsty poll!