#going that trend of ranking all Taylor Swift songs out of ten and getting the average or whatever for each one to list them accurately | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rubyxts · 3 years ago

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Taylor Swift’s Lyrical Traffic Violations, Ranked

As Taylor Swift continues the slow but steady release of her re-recordings with Red (Taylor’s Version), we’re able to collectively revisit some of her early work through the lens of her discography as a whole. In doing so, there are certain recurring themes or tropes that become apparent, like forbidden romances, colors representing emotions, and the worst driving imaginable. Anyone who’s either a Swiftie or a crossing guard is sure to have noticed just how often Taylor sings about these illegal traffic maneuvers. And after nine albums of this, it’s reached a point where I finally begin to understand why the gay antagonist in “Picture to Burn” didn’t let her drive his “stupid old pickup truck.”

🤧

That being said, when really examining these violations with a critical eye, it becomes apparent that most of them were actually committed by the men driving Taylor around. Amongst this “long list of ex-lovers,” there are some reckless drivers, some who make minor mistakes, and some whose licenses should be revoked. The trend has slowed down as of late, suggesting that Joe Alwyn is a very good, responsible driver, whose time behind the wheel is not interesting enough to sing about — thank God.

Here, we rank every traffic violation in Taylor Swift’s discography, considering factors like severity of the infraction, danger level, and importance to T. Swiftian canon. But much like the way traffic cops do their jobs, the reasoning is mostly arbitrary and made up.

15. “Our Song” (Taylor Swift)

“He’s got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel, The other on my heart”

The first thing they teach you in driver’s ed is to keep your hands at ten and two, and yet here Taylor is driving around town with a boy who only has one hand on the wheel. Their “song” is going to be the sound of sirens if he doesn’t get his act together.

14. “Red” (Red)

“Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street, Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly”

Whether it be a new Maserati, or a pre-owned Toyota RAV4, it is never a good idea to take off full speed down a dead-end street. Particularly if it’s not even a cul-de-sac and you’ll have to do a three-point turn to get out. Now, to be fair, there’s some room for debate on just how fast she’s going since it depends on wind speed. The average wind speed in Taylor’s home state of Pennsylvania is 17.1 mph, the highest wind speed ever recorded on Earth is 253 mph, and the speed of “The Wind” by Cat Stevens is 115 BPM. So do with that what you will.

13. “State of Grace” (Red)

“I’m walking fast through the traffic lights”

Traffic lights, per their name, are famously designed for cars — not pedestrians. So Taylor has absolutely no business galavanting through traffic on foot like a regular Kelly Killoren Bensimon.

12. “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things” (Reputation)

“Feeling so Gatsby for that whole year”

Much like Taylor Swift’s discography, The Great Gatsby is also about terrible driving, which I assume is why she relates to it. I know this because I not only read The Great Gatsby in high school, but I also saw the Fergie-scored film adaptation. A cornerstone of both versions is vehicular manslaughter.

11. “betty” (Folklore)

“Kissin’ in my car again, Stopped at a streetlight”

Folklore’s “betty,” “august,” and “cardigan” are a trilogy of songs about loitering told from three different perspectives. The bulk of this love triangle seems to boldly take place in parked cars. In “august” for example, Taylor sings, “Meet me behind the mall,” and I highly doubt that they were grabbing an Auntie Anne’s and hitting up a Macy’s One Day Sale. In “betty” and “cardigan,” they don’t even wait until they’re concealed behind the safety of a closed down DSW, instead opting for a spot under a streetlight of all places.

10. “Cornelia Street” (Lover)

“But then you called, showed your hand, I turned around before I hit the tunnel”

Given that this song is about a street in one of Taylor’s favorite lyrical neighborhoods, the West Village, it’s fair to assume that the tunnel in question is the Holland Tunnel. Those surrounding roads are a nightmare, so I’m nearly certain that this would have to be an illegal U-turn — which I think is a fair leap to make given her history of vehicular crime. That being said, this might just be the most understandable violation given the choice was between Joe Alwyn and Jersey City.

9. “Fearless” (Fearless)

“I wanna stay right here in this passenger seat, You put your eyes on me”

Taylor gets a lot of flack for writing songs about boys she dates, but doesn’t get nearly enough heat for distracting them while they’re trying to drive. This is just one of the many times that she prides herself on being more interesting for a driver to look at than the road.

8. “Style” (1989)

“Midnight, you come and pick me up, no headlights, Long drive, could end in burning flames or paradise”

Thematically, 1989 is an album about Harry Styles being bad at driving. The first of many examples of this is here in his namesake song, where he picks Taylor up with no headlights on. Clearly an attempt to sneak around undetected, it’s actually just a surefire way to hit a deer — ESPECIALLY at midnight of all times. At least Taylor seems to know from the jump the dangers of getting in a car with Harry behind the wheel, understanding that the long drive could potentially end in burning flames.

7. “Cruel Summer” (Lover)

“So cut the headlights, summer’s a knife”

Well it looks like someone didn’t learn her lesson about driving in the dark. Here it sounds like she’s trying to corrupt former frozen yoghurt shop employee Joe Alwyn, instructing him to turn off their headlights to keep a low profile. Still, it’s nothing compared to the far worse crime of this song, which is that it didn’t get a music video.

6. “Breathe” (Fearless)

“Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt, Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve”

Roads have a lot of little bumps, and if you’re swerving at every single one you’re a danger to society and your driving is sure to give poor Colbie Caillat whiplash.

5. “Getaway Car” (Reputation)

“You were driving the getaway car, We were flying but we’d never get far.”

I mean, what is there to say about this? Getaway cars very rarely are known for their safe, law-abiding driving. The song even references other crimes, like putting the money in the bag and stealing the keys (grand theft auto?), mentions of famed criminals Bonnie and Clyde (who tried to steal Moonlight’s Oscar), and worst of all saying “sorry” with a Canadian accent so it rhymes with “story.”

4. “Style” (1989)

“So it goes, He can’t keep his wild eyes on the road”

Speaking of wild eyes, somebody tell Olivia Wilde to never get in the car with Harry — we still need her Kerri Strug biopic.

3. “Out of the Woods” (1989)

“Remember when you hit the brakes too soon? Twenty stitches in a hospital room”

As any history buff knows, in December of 2014 Taylor Swift and Harry Styles went on a ski trip to Park City, Utah, with Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. It was on this fateful trip that the One Direction singer and future Cats star got into a snowmobile accident, resulting in Harry getting 20 stitches on his chin. Taylor later told Rolling Stone that she saw her life flash before her eyes, which I can understand because if I were in an accident I would also see Taylor Swift’s life flash before my eyes. The incident is shrouded in mystery, with Taylor urging the witnesses not to tell anyone about it, so we may never know what it was that caused Harry Styles to brake too soon. Perhaps a stray Chelsea boot in need of a home.

2. “All You Had to Do Was Stay” (1989)

“All I know is that you drove us off the road”

Why did this woman continue to let Harry Styles drive her around? What kind of adrenaline-junkie death wish did she possess?

1. “All Too Well” (Red)

“You almost ran the red ’cause you were looking over at me”

Jake Gyllenhaal might as well have been using the scarf that Taylor left at Maggie Gyllenhaal’s house as a blindfold, because this man was NOT looking at the road. When one drives down a little town street, especially with the precious cargo of America’s songstress in the car, it is key to watch where you’re going. Skidding to a halt because you didn’t realize that the light had turned red (the TITULAR color)? Unacceptable, Donnie Darko. The “crumpled-up piece of paper” that he made Taylor feel like was probably a traffic summons. Along with the release of Red (Taylor’s Version), we’re also finally getting the mythical ten-minute version of this song, and I truly shudder to think about what other traffic crimes Jake Gyllenhaal will commit in those extra four minutes and 33 seconds.

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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 7 years ago

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The Best & Worst of 2017

It has been a WEIRD year. Nintendo’s dominating the video game scene again, the seemingly eternal presence of Adam West is no more, Taylor Swift somehow got even bitchier, DC finally made a good movie, and they let a chimp in a suit into the White House again (you think they would have learned their lesson after Reagan). But we’re not here to look at the world in a broad sense, no; we’re here to take a look at movies, because that’s what I do. And let me tell you… This was a fine year for films.

You often see people say years like 1999 or 1939 were the peak years for cinema, but after this year, I’ve gotta say 2017 is my favorite year in cinematic history. Let me put it this way: The list of movies here was originally a top 20. In fact, I only saw a handful of movies I’d say were genuinely bad this year. At least 6 of the movies I saw are easily in my top 25 films ever made, and even my favorite movie ever came out this year. So yeah, this year was FUCKING AWESOME for movies.

Now, there were some really tough cuts, so let me give a few honorable mentions before we dive into the top 10 films: Spider-Man: Homecoming, the best Spider-Man movie in a decade with perhaps the most compelling villain in the MCU; Get Out, Jordan Peele’s racially-charged horror film that deals with condescending positive discrimination and other kinds of left-wing racism, and is one of the strongest directorial debuts I’ve ever seen; Hey Arnold! The Jungle Movie, the long awaited finale to the adventures of Arnold Shortman, and a truly satisfying one to boot; Kingsman: The Golden Circle, a kickass sequel with a great turn by Sir Elton John of all people; and Power Rangers, a very character driven sci-fi movie that has a rather slow pace but still manages to ooze heart and charm. And those are just the ones I really wanted to spotlight; there are quite a few other movies I enjoyed this year.

Now, on to the first list!

TOP 10 MOVIES OF THE YEAR

10. Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie

TRA-LA-LAAAAAAAAA! Dreamworks finally delivers the film we’ve been waiting for for years, and it’s every bit as good as we could have hoped. Combining the best elements of the first four books was a great idea, as it allows for much more interesting character interactions, character development, and concepts, not to mention the franchise’s best villain (Professor Poopypants) gets to show up early. Pray we get a sequel, because the creativity showcased here cannot be squandered! We need more of the Waistband Warrior!

9. Baby Driver

You know, in light of everything that happened this year, is it really right to place so high a movie in which a character played by Kevin Spacey takes in a young boy and tries to control him into being a criminal? Yeah. It is. This is a damn good film, with some truly great Mickey Mousing and an excellent soundtrack, as well as fantastic performances across the board. It’s one of the least Edgar Wrighty films in Wright’s filmography, and all the better for it.

8. Wonder Woman

Is this the perfect, ultimate superhero movie? Hell no. Does it finally break the DCEU trend of crappy final villains? Um, nope. Is it an uplifting, hopeful, optimistic superhero movie with an idealistic, badass protagonist, a solid supporting cast, and an interesting setting? Fuck yes it is. Wonder Woman fans can rest easy that she got the treatment she deserved on the silver screen.

7. Logan

Rarely has a movie that is just so bitterly depressing from the get-go been so damn good. Hugh Jackman and Sir Patrick Stewart turn in their (possibly) final performances as Wolverine and Professor X, and by god what performances they give. But they face some seriously steep competition in the acting department from Dafne Keen, the newcomer playing Laura, Logan’s ‘daughter’ after a fashion. This is easily the best X-Men film ever made aside from Deadpool, and definitely the best serious one.

6. Star Wars: The Last Jedi

You know that one friend you have who just pisses you off to the point you want to punch their teeth out, yet at the end of the day you still love and appreciate them and they’re still your friend for life? That’s basically what this movie is. It does SO much aggravating, frustrating bullshit, tosses out so many potentially interesting plot points, wastes so much potential… but on the other hand, it delivers some of the most stunning moments in the entire saga, the best performance yet from Mark Hamill, a bunch of interesting surprises, and lets Kylo Ren and Rey come into their own. Never before have I loved a film I hate so much of.

5. Thor: Ragnarok

I never in my life thought I would enjoy a Thor movie. Historically speaking, Thor’s movies blow; I was expecting mediocrity at best. Ah, but what a fool I was! Truly I underestimated the power of Taika Waititi, Led Zeppelin, 80s aesthetic, and Jeff Goldblum, because this is easily one of Marvel’s best films, not just of the year, but ever, and is 100% the best Thor film.

4. John Wick: Chapter 2

While my opinion of this has slightly softened – I prefer the first film more after some thought – don’t think for a second this film isn’t as awesome as I previously stated. This film has some of the best worldbuilding I’ve ever seen, some of the most exhilarating action, and some of the most engaging Keeanu Reeves acting. Plus, Reeves shares the screen with Laurence Fishburne again; what’s not to love here?

3. The Disaster Artist

Oh hai James Franco! Seth Rogen’s wacky BFF managed to bring the story of Tommy Wiseau and his quest to film the infamously awful film (that just so happens to be one of my all-time favorite movies) The Room to life. I didn’t doubt that a big fan like Franco would fuck up telling this story, but the way he portrayed the intriguingly strange man that is Wiseau was better than anything I could have imagined. While the filmmaking techniques are rather simple and it’s not like the movie reinvents the wheel, it truly showcases a fascinating man and the creation if his equally fascinating film in way that both fans of The Room and Tommy as well as newcomers can enjoy.

2. It

Joining the ranks of Watchmen and The Lord of the Rings in the category of “Unfilmable Works with Amazing Film Adaptations” is Stephen King’s classic tale of a group of children fighting back against a nightmarish abomination that devours children and takes the shape of a clown. Finally, that travesty of a miniseries from the 90s can be scrubbed from memory, and replaced with this much scarier, much funnier, and much more visually interesting version of the story. It changes things here and there, but through all the changes the spirit remains the same, as should be the case for a good adaptation. Best of all: No Sewergy!

1. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Maybe it’s the stronger character arcs and development on display here. Maybe it’s how absolutely awesome and complex Yondu became in this movie. Maybe it’s the inclusion of the oddball villain Ego, played to perfection by Kurt Russell and helping give a MCU villain that’s actually interesting and complex. Maybe it’s the killer soundtrack, and how all the songs are deftly woven into the story so that the songs tell the story without the characters needing to explain things. Maybe it’s all of that and more that add up into making this my favorite film in the entire MCU, my favorite film of the year, and my favorite film of all time.

TOP 10 CHARACTERS

This year had a lot of really great characters in the movies. Here are the ten best and brightest; again, this was really hard to narrow down, this list was also originally at twenty. There was no shortage of great, enjoyable new characters this year.

10. Ahmanet

The Mummy

The Mummy movie has gotten mixed reactions; the mummy herself, Princess Ahmanet, has not. She is pretty universally agreed to be the best and most interesting part of the movie, with Sofia Boutella giving a fantastic performance. It’s a shame so much of focus on her was cut for more Tom Cruise… in a movie called The Mummy, Ahmanet truly deserved the most focus. At least what she got lead to some pretty cool shit.

9. Tempest Shadow

My Little Pony: The Movie

The one big thing that ties the Friendship is Magic movie together and makes it great is its awesome villain, Tempest Shadow. She has an awesome concept in a unicorn with a fractured horn that causes her magic to be unstable and dangerous, she has an awesome design, and Emily Blunt gives her such a wonderful performance. The fact she gets an incredible villain song is icing on the cake.

8. The Grandmaster

Thor: Ragnarok

It’s Jeff Goldblum as a hedonistic overlord of an alien planet in a Marvel movie. This is literally the greatest thing ever to happen to the MCU.

7. Billy

Power Rangers

Billy is, without a doubt in my mind, the heart and soul of the new Power Rangers, the glue that binds them all together. He’s also pretty unique in that he is a character with autism and is never really treated any differently than anyone else by the other characters. Gotta give major props for that, they never boil him down to his bare essentials and instead make him a fleshed out and likable character. Here’s hoping there’s a sequel so we can see more of him.

6. Pennywise

The world’s most terrifying clown is here, and he is played to perfection by Bill Skarsgard. He’s terrifying, monstrous, creepy, and just disturbingly bizarre. He really brought the character from the books to life, and definitely managed to do a good job at being different enough from Tim Curry’s performance to stand on his own. The only drawback is that he doesn’t get as much character to him as he deserves, but the sequel can fix that up. Until then, we got all those funny dancing memes to laugh at.

5. The Vulture

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Marvel absolutely annihilated their run of weak, unengaging villains this year; Adrian Toomes was the final nail in the coffin for that trend, being one of the most fascinating and awesome villains yet seen in the MCU. Taking a really dopey villain from the comics and turning him into basically Walter White with an alien jetpack while still calling back to the cheesy original design was a real stroke of genius. Michael Keaton’s performance really sells things, particularly in the car ride scene; just the facial acting as he puts two and two together, the tension in the air so thick it’s oppressive… I’m glad Toomes is alive by the end, because he DEFINITELY needs to come back.

4. Ego the Living Planet

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

The best villain of the year from Marvel is also one of the strangest, most unexpected characters to ever pop up in a superhero movie: Ego, the Living Planet. His physical avatar that interacts with the cast is played by Kurt Russell, who is oozing fatherly likability and charm to Peter, a charm that belies his selfish and – ahem – egotistical nature. Once Ego’s plans and actions are revealed, he truly comes across as one of the most complex villains out there; his motives, while selfish and awful, do seem to come from a place of profound loneliness, albeit loneliness exacerbated by an extreme case of arrogance.

3. Richie Tozier

Even in the face of his worst nightmares, even in the face of impending death, Richie never stops doing what he does best: being a little shit. He has a line for every occasion, some crude joke for any situation, and is constantly making jokes about banging Eddie’s mom and how big his dick is. For a character that so easily could have been annoying… he’s easily the funniest fucking character in the whole movie. We NEEDED someone like Richie to brighten things up; if he wasn’t here, well, things might just have been a tad too bleak.

2. Sir Elton John

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Celebrities playing themselves in movies tend to be very brief cameo roles or one-scene wonders, which is sort of what I expected from Sir Elton John; he’d just walk on for a scene, maybe score a laugh, then vanish from the movie. But boy was I wrong; John is spouting profanity across at least two scenes, berating his captors, and more than that… he plays a major role in saving the world. AND EVEN MORE! He offers Harry the same reward Eggsy got in the first film. The moment I saw Sir Elton John deliver a flying kick while dressed in a gaudy drag outfit, taking a man out, I knew for a fact 2017 was my favorite year of cinema ever, hands down.

1. Tommy Wiseau

The Disaster Artist

Somehow, some way, James Franco was able to do the impossible and convincingly pull off a portrayal of cinema’s oddest anomaly, the enigmatic loon known as Tommy Wiseau. The accent is well done, the mannerisms are pretty spot on, and it is perfectly evident that Franco has a great deal of respect for the man himself. This is truly a performance that can stand alongside Johnny Depp’s Ed Wood. Anyway, how is your sex life?

THE 5 BEST RETURNING CHARACTERS

It’s not just newcomers who impressed; there were plenty of great turns from previously established characters. Here’s the five best, most improved characters:

5. Kylo Ren

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Finally, Kylo Ren gets to establish himself once and or all as a true successor to Vader in ways other characters don’t get to do. This movie truly portrays him as a cunning individual, and Adam Driver’s performance at times reminds me of Anton Chigurh in No Country for Old Men. Good on ya, Driver!

4. Thor

Thor: Ragnarok

Incredible. A feat I thought impossible has been accomplished: I actually liked and gave a shit about Thor, a character who has been the weak link in the MCU for a long time. A new haircut, a new set of powers, and a new look really help make Thor into a character worthy of being an Avenger. His great chemistry with Hulk/Banner, as well as Valkyrie and his brother Loki, really helps, as does his cheerfully arrogant nature. I still can’t believe I care about Thor.

3. Luke Skywalker

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

This ain’t your dad’s Luke Skywalker! This Luke is jaded, bitter, and hilariously cranky towards Rey, due to a moment of that trademark Skywalker impulsiveness leading to some truly harsh consequences. This is easily Mark Hamill’s strongest performance as Luke, truly giving it all even if at the time of filming he wasn’t too keen on the direction Luke took – though of course he came around, how could you not with a performance this good?

2. Merlin

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Merlin was a bit of a bit player in the first movie, but here he gets to come front and center for quite a good chunk of the film, though this is mostly due to everyone else in Kingsman dying due to the actions of the villains. Mark Strong’s performance here is one of the strongest performances in the series so far, and he really makes Merlin into a fun, engaging character. He even gets to sing!

1. Yondu

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Much like Merlin, Yondu was a bit player in the first movie, acting as a minor antagonistic force and getting a pretty badass scene where he singlehandedly annihilates Ronan’s soldiers. This time, every good quality about Yondu is cranked up to eleven. His character as seen in the first film is truly explored, his reasons for taking Quill are expanded upon, and that scene of him kicking ass from the first film is absolutely NOTHING compared to what he does to Taserface and the mutinous Ravagers. Come a little bit closer indeed! And I’d be remiss to not mention his incredibly memetic line “I’M MARY POPPINS, Y’ALL!” But that aside, Yondu gets a lot of excellent lines in this film, and he really helps hammer home this movie’s message about family in one line he gives Peter when he saves him from Ego: “He may’ve been your father, boy, but he wasn’t your daddy.” Yondu went from being a cool and interesting character in the first film to, well… my favorite character ever here. He’s that damn good. Talk about improvement.

THE 10 WORST CHARACTERS

Not all characters are good, unfortunately. Here are the ten characters this year who did nothing but grate my nerves and bring down their movies with their mere presence:

10. The Storm King

My Little Pony: The Movie

What a waste of Liev Schreiber’s talent this guy turned out to be. Sure he was funny, and sure he wasn’t the worst thing EVER, but he was really a letdown in terms of a villain, and this is a series that gave us great villains even when they were firmly grasping the Villain Ball (Discord, Chrysalis, Tirek). He comes off as even less impressive because he’s in the same movie as a really great villain: Tempest Shadow. The Storm King just ends up being a pretty weak generic doomsday villain who happens to have some good voice acting and animation behind him.

9. Rose Tico

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Jar Jar, meet your new wife! Rose is one of the most unnecessary additions in the entire Star Wars series, or if she is necessary, they sure bungled her to the point she feels less like a character that belongs and more like some fanfic writer’s OC created specifically to get on Finn’s dick. Her moments in the latter half of the casino subplot are really what drag it down, and she utters what may be the most cringeworthy, narmy line in the entirety of the history of the franchise: “We’re going to win this war not by fighting what we hate, but saving what we love.” Not even Anakin’s sand line is this cloying and obnoxious.

8. Nick Morton

The Mummy

What is the movie called again? Is it called “The Nick?” “The Tom Cruise?” No, it’s called The Mummy, and the best character is Ahmanet, the titular mummy. But her screentime got shafted quite a bit for this generic, boring Tom Cruise performance. It doesn’t help that Nick is a bit of an arrogant tool. Cruise proved he could be likable and charming as an amoral scumbag later this same year in American Made, so I have no idea what he was thinking here.

7. Ares

Wonder Woman

David Thewlis is a great actor, but not even he can make a Surprise Twist Hidden Villain character work. Disney has done this to death, so you’d expect this to pop up in the MCU or something, but nope! DCEU pulls Ares out their ass for the finale, and it was the guy who was in a couple of scenes helping the heroes out earlier. So now Ares, who is the god of war, is a skinny British dude with a big, honking mustache covered in really lame CGI armor, and it makes the final battle sequence a lot funnier than the epic finale of an epic superhero movie should be.

6. The Wardrobe

Beauty and the Beast

This movie’s living furniture are already really weird, overdesigned, and uncanny, but then we get the Wardrobe, which had a very nice, pleasant design in the original movie. Not so here, where her new face is a flapping curtain and she hollers like an opera singer all the time. She’s annoying and hard to look at; not a good combo.

5. Victor

Leap!

One of the main characters of Leap!, Victor is obnoxious, unfunny, and kinda creepy and possessive of Felicie. He’s easily the absolute worst character in the movie, and worse, the only character I can’t see being better in the original French version.

4. Hi-5

The Emoji Movie

Hi-5 is the epitome of every annoying comic relief character ever seen in cinematic history. He’s the archetype distilled to the barebone essentials for the character and slapped on the screen. There’s not even much to say; just imagine the most obnoxious comic relief ever, but remove any saving graces and make him ten times the hindrance to the plot. There you go. Hi-5.

3. MJ

Spider-Man: Homecoming

After all the bullshit rumors before the movie came out and the “Is she or isn’t she?” routine, finally the movie comes out, and Zendaya’s character is not Mary Jane! She’s just… MJ. It’s such a fucking stupid reveal for a spectacularly stupid and pointless character, it feels so tacked on and pointless. It’s almost as dumb as the photographer who gets killed in the beginning of BVS being Jimmy Olsen is, it’s just slapping an iconic name on a shitty, underused, unrelated character just for that fan recognition. Hopefully we get a real Mary Jane Watson in the MCU eventually, but until then, we’re stuck with this snooty, condescending bitch.

2. Jailbreak

The Emoji Movie

The Emoji Movie managed to boil so many characters down to their bare essentials that it’s impressive they managed to get even worse than that by boiling a character down to her gender. Jailbreak is a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man. That’s her whole character. Her character is just “Tomboy stereotype that finds happiness by embracing her true self as a feminine stereotype.” Nothing about her character, from her derivative, weird, jarring design to her hamfisted spouting of feminist rhetoric, do her character any favors and only serve to make the movie even more insufferable.

1. Belle

Beauty and the Beast

Belle is one of Disney’s best princesses, a smart, headstrong woman who doesn’t take shit from the curmudgeonly Beast. This Belle played by Emma Watson… is none of those things. She’s a hollow, empty caricature of the character I grew up loving, a weak pantomime of a beloved, strong character from Disney’s past. If there is anything that makes this live-action travesty even worse than it already was, it’s Watson’s undercooked performance. Belle is not supposed to be a less engaging character than Lefou.

TOP 10 MOVIES I WISH I SAW THIS YEAR

Look, I’m not rich, I’m not drowning in free time… I just can’t feasibly see everything. Here are the ten films I WISH I got a chance to check out before the year ended. No explanations, just a quick rundown:

10. Jesus, Bro!

9. A Monster Calls

8. Kong: Skull Island

7. Split

6. Atomic Blonde

5. Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

4. Gerald’s Game

3. Justice League

2. Coco

1. The Shape of Water

TOP 10 MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIES OF NEXT YEAR

Hell yeah I’m hyped for next year! There’s a lot of great-looking films coming out next year… but which ones am I looking forward to the most? Here’s the top ten I’m excited to see:

10. Ready Player One

You’d think people would trust a tried and true master like Spielberg to distill what was good about the original book (and despite what the annoying twats on the internet might tell you, there’s a lot; you see, I actually read the book) into a great film. From the trailer alone it’s evident a lot of stuff is changed, so I’m interested to see how Spielberg does. As long as they keep in Rush as a major plot point, it’s all good.

9. Pacific Rim: Uprising

FUCK YEAH GIANT ROBOTS! WOO!

8. Ant-Man and the Wasp

Ant-Man is one of Marvel’s weirdest, yet best films. Now that we’re getting Wasp added into the mix, not to mention Michelle Pfeiffer is joining the MCU, I’m excited to see where they take Ant-Man in this movie.

7. The Predator

I am fucking THERE for more Predator movies. The Predator films are some of my favorite sci-fi action films (okay, I haven’t seen Predators, but the first two movies are great), so seeing a new one come out is exciting… let’s just hope there’s more practical effects than CGI.

6. Bohemian Rhapsody

How on Earth could I NOT be excited for a movie about one of my favorite musicians and bands? What I want to know is, why the Hell did it take so long to make a movie about Queen? This seems like a no-brainer.

5. Aquaman

Considering Aquaman is finally cool again and plaid by certified hunk Jason Momoa, I am totally here for this movie… not happy I have to stomach seeing that fucking nasty bitch Amber Heard, though. Oh how I must suffer to see superhero action.

4. Black Panther

Considering how he stole Cap’s third and final outing right out from under his nose, I’m excited to see how T’challa holds on his own. It’s also going to be nice to see Andy Serkis playing a villain who hopefully won’t be totally shafted for screentime and end up wasted in the end. COUGH.

3. The Incredibles 2

Honestly, if you’re not excited to see this, I really have to question your priorities. This is the first Pixar movie in years I actually genuinely want to see.

2. Untitled Deadpool Sequel

Considering how great the first film was, this film with its goofy marketing and teasers, cheeky title, and addition of Josh Brolin to the cast has easily won me over. I have faith this will be just as good if not better than the original, especially if it ends up somehow tying in to the MCU, what with Disney devouring Fox.

1. Avengers: Infinity War

Of course this is my #1.

10 WORST POP CULTURE MOMENTS OF 2017

And now we have the absolute worst bits and pieces of film and pop culture this year! We had some… really, truly awful moments. Let’s hope next year we can try and do better, because god, some of this shit is just disheartening…

10. The half of The Mummy not focusing on Ahmanet

Okay, so The Mummy was no necessarily a bad movie… when it focused on Ahmanet. She’s easily one of the coolest and most fascinating fantasy villains in recent memory, and yet, the movie seems to think we care more about Tom Cruise and his antics than the thing the movie is actually named after. I hate drawing comparisons to the Brendan Fraser series as the two are so tonally different it’s stupid to compare them, but at least those movies gave the titular mummy an equal chunk of screentime alongside the protagonists. Hopefully Ahmanet fares better when she inevitably returns.

9. Johnny Depp

It’s hard to deny what a shit year Johnny Depp has had. His messy divorce lead to his awful performance in the latest bloated mess of a Pirates film, and then he spent the rest of the year having every bit of acting he was announced to do being belittled and mocked. Of particular note is Grindelwald, who J.K. Rowling had to come to defense to because people are still backlashing against Depp over the bullshit abuse allegations that have been pretty safely shown to be false. I guess Hollywood will never have a shortage of Fatty Arbuckle stories.

8. Smurfs: The Lost Village

People were so busy ranting over The Emoji Movie that they ignored what is undoubtedly the worst animated film of the year. Gorgeous animation aside – which, really, is what is the born for every theatrically released movie these days so it’s hard to count this as a plus – we have a dull, standard story, average to okay voice acting, a surprising amount of sitcom-esque sexism, and most egregiously, absolutely no Smurfing at all. I’m not kidding. In this, a Smurf movie, there is not a single example of Smurfing. Smurfing is, of course, the trademark smurfing style of the Smurfs; it’s when they smurf the word “Smurf” into the sentence in place of another smurf. See what I mean? There is NONE of this in the movie. What a load of smurfing bullshit.

7. Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time

A bunch of rehashed songs

Barely anything changed

Servants overdesigned and strange

And Gaston’s played all wrong

Awful performances make this film

On arrival quite deceased

A tale as old as time

A remake that’s a crime

Beauty and the Beast

6. Those we lost…

We lost a lot of talent in the world this year. Tom Petty, Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington, Adam West, June Foray, J. Geils, Malcolm Young, Fats Domino, Hugh Hefner, Jerry Lewis, Martin Landau, Peter Sallis, Heather North, and so many more people who helped shape and define pop culture and change the world with their work. Tom Petty and Adam West hit me the hardest; I’m sure some of you were hit hard by one of these losses too.

A moment of silence for all of these great men and woman who have left us.

5. The first half of Rick & Morty season 3 (and the last few minutes of the finale)

Rick & Morty is usually a great show. Seasons 1 and 2 were fantastic, and the opening episode of season 3 was hilarious and awesome… and then quality took a nosedive with a bland Mad Max parody, an overly gory forced meme episode featuring Pickle Rick, and then the absolute shitfest that was the Vindicators episode, a mean-spirited potshot at superhero films that featured the worst writing the show has ever seen. Bu hey, after that, the season started looking up! We got a good Jerry episode, Evil Morty returning (in the best episode of the show), and some really great and funny moments. And the last episode was pretty great and funny too, but then… it came to an end with a rushed resolution of the season’s plotline. The whole season feels like a letdown becaue of this, and it’s a damn shame, because some of the best episodes yet came out of it… it was just bogged down by some truly awful ones and really poor writing.

4. Salty Star Wars fans

Star Wars ‘fans’ (I hesitate to even call them fans, since at this point they hate more Star Wars media than they like. They’re not Star Wars fans, they’re original trilogy fans) have always shown themselves to be one of the most cancerous nerd fandoms ever. With the release of the latest film, they’ve taken this to absurd levels, to the point where they have gotten a petition to have the new films stricken from canon. This is a new level of pathetic pettiness; just ignore the movies and go back to jacking off over your crappy EU novels, you fucking dorks.

3. Pennywise getting repurposed as a gay icon

Apparently, the face of the LGBT community should be a predatory clown that devours children and has very pedophilic vibes to how he lures them in to be devoured. This is the kind of image the LGBT community has been pushing very hard to rid itself of for decades, so obviously making Pennywise the Dancing Clown as the new gay horror icon in a forced attempt at repeating the Babadook’s joking LGBT icon status is a great move! It’s really not. This is some of the cringiest shit the internet has ever done, and only showcases how tone deaf fandoms can be.

2. The reaction to The Emoji Movie

The Emoji Movie is not a good film. At best, it’s “so bad it’s good” or even “okay” if you’re feeling charitable. But that’s not what seemingly every reviewer or comment section on the internet would tell you! Apparently this film is the animated apocalypse, and is the end of cinema and the most horrifyingly awful film ever made! EVERY big reviewer got in on this hyperbolic bullshit. This movie is JUST a bad film, it is NOT the end of all cinema, it is NOT some sort of sign of the death of creativity in the world… hell, it’s hard to even CALL it a film, it’s more like a really shitty, overly-long advert. Usually people overreact to good movies. This is the first time I’ve ever seen people overreact to a shitty one.

1. All the sexual harassment in Hollywood

Oooooh boy. Harvey Weinstein being revealed to be a massive, disgusting pervert was bad enough, but then beloved actor Kevin Spacey, beloved Pixar mastermind John Lasseter, bitter comedian Louis C.K., and even GEORGE TAKEI being accused of past sexual misconduct? And while some of these accusations sound like absolute bullshit (the story against Takei is really fucking fishy), Kevin “I choose to live as a gay man” Spacey and John Lasseter’s are sadly likely, and C.K. actually came out and gave an apology for doing shit. I guess it’s good to see that this shit won’t fly anymore, but knowing how awful these formerly admirable men have treated men and women working for them is just disgusting. And let’s not even get into the numerous accusations leveled against the president… that’s something else entirely. At least from all of THIS bad, something good can actually come out of it.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

Did you all actually think I was going to end things off on such a dour note? Nahhhhh. Let me tell you about some other great things this year, at least things I’ve personally been able to witness:

Bayonetta 3 was announced, baby! Get right on aboard that hype train!

Pokemon’s latest game, while a mixed bag in terms of the redone story, has one of the most epic postgame adventures I’ve ever seen. Fighting every single villain in the franchise really makes this feel like the grand finale of the series’ time on wholly handheld consoles that it is. Also, Blachephalon is amazing, and Light That Burns The Sky is the greatest attack in the history of the franchise.

Doki Doki Literature Club came out, and while it’s not a game I’d exactly play again, it is a pretty interesting (and free!) indie game. It has an excellent cast of characters; I see a lot of myself in Sayori.

Ducktales got one of the raddest reboots I’ve ever seen. That pilot was fuckin’ beautiful.

Charles Manson is now where he belongs: EATING DEMON DICK IN HELL.

Filthy Frank released the dankest album of the year, Pink Season. Give it a listen here:

The greatest song ever created by manking was released:

Let me be frank though, the entirety of Mouth Moods is a modern masterpiece. The outtakes are masterpieces too… particularly this one. And this one. AND this one.

QotSA released a fucking awesome album, containing fucking awesome songs like this one:

The funkiest summertime jam ever was released:

As for me personally, well, my fiancee @lilmissrantsypants and I finally moved into our own apartment, and things are really looking up for us. Our 2018 is looking to be brighter than ever; I hope all of yours is just as bright!

Alright, one more masterpiece before I go, the Song/Music Video of the Century:

#2017 #list #Best & Worst #year #MCU #DCEU #It #Star Wars #Dreamworks #movies #best #worst

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benjaminwatchworld · 5 years ago

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My review of the decade is kicking off my first blog of 2020, still debating if I should do a review of 2019 it’s self. Anyway, where to start is a bit of a problem but I have to write this and it’s supposed to be long but I will make it short since a few of my readers complain about the length of my write-ups.

I am going to do more of outlining those special events that happened this ending decade and will surely impact the starting decade. Will start with 2013 when Benedict XVI shocked the world in February when he became the first pope to resign in almost 600 years Which makes us a special generation to have been a life when that historical event happened. After the guys did the surprise announcement all the attention shifted so fast to the succession, and the election of the new Pope, Francis. In the next decade one question will maybe fully be answered, “why did Benedict quit?”

Before going to the rest of the world, my Uganda should come first, the decade has been doted by a raise of violence in the pearl of Africa some that were a result of political events since we hard two elections in there that were more of scripted unless in the last on the biggest opposition figure took the oath of office for presidency on his own inspiring Kenya an the likes of Venezuela where it seemed to have worked that side in the initial stages making Dr. Besigye more of a world experiment since his work to work events were more of a blueprint for the Arab spring. It’s laughable but sad, the cries of human rights violations with the talks of safe houses and torture as a mode of investigation, murders and assassinations have been trend of the decade which started with religious clerics then a judge and later there was an Amy office, a member of Parliament and two high ranking police officers all done in a MOSSAD style.

Let me speed through the bad ones but are their goods the oil production has still not yet started, middle-income delusion has not materialized. There are memorable ones, like Uganda making 50 years of independence, and hosting the biggest number of refugees in the world because of the instabilities that are around us, we have our brothers coming from South Sudan, Burundi, DRC and many from the Horn of Africa putting our hospitality to a whole new level that other countries are coming into a benchmark on our methods only that along the way the UN found out that the numbers were being exaggerated for some reason that would need there own blog.

In this ending decade, there a few sporting achievements that really united the county but the government seemed to learn nothing from the results of the events. In the 2012 London Olympics Uganda managed to get a Gold medal taking the country by storm since it was like 4 decades since it last happened, I was not there am not sure if it’s even true. Then again after about 3 decades the Uganda Cranes the National Football team qualified for the African Cup of Nations which to me is still a dream I have to wake up from. World Cup is not a statement related to Uganda but the She Cranes has been able to go for two world events in the last ten years. Those sports moments made Ugandans feel like one. The other event that made Uganda feel like it was not in a milky way was a political event, the second of the two presidential candidates debates before an election.

Moving to other things away from Uganda that will always be remembered about the decade which started with South Africa host the 2010 FIFA world cup on the continent for the first time. The aftermath of the seven resulted in the change of leadership at the Football organization because of serious crimes in how money was moving around.

The United States of America has a Russian agent as President am joking but the truth is that Donald Trump is the head of the Free world crazy just like the predicted end of the world in December 2012 but when you take a close look we are not far from a Mad max situation going to the next decade.

This decade has seen the most advancement in tech, can you believe it that before this ending decade there was no iPad first came out this decade, and many other companies joined the Apple revolution. When it first comes out, it was quite a special tech item but now we are using them to play Fruit Ninja. Companies like SpaceX, Boeing shaped a lot of the technology of the decade. Then come to the raid hailing apps for transport that in Uganda we even use them for boda bodas. Hybrid and fully electronic cars are no longer things for the future.

But with all the technological achievements it’s this decade when our phones track our every activity and location that a Malaysia Airlines passenger jet disappeared without a trace in early 2014, the fate of the plane and the 239 passengers and crew on board has become one of the biggest aviation mysteries. The missing plane captured the attention of millions around the world, triggering a multinational search and plenty of conspiracy theories. In the middle of last year, The Atlantic gave us a report of what could have happened the plane was likely intentionally crashed by the pilot which I don’t want to believe.

This decade has also been a roller coaster in the entertainment industry and for me my mark was boyhood but there was a whole range of movies, TV shows and music albums that will surely be classics. From 2012 to 2013 was truly the time of viral videos and Ylvis’ “The Fox” was truly the strangest one to ever become an internet hit. Then the Oscars Twelve years of Slaves was special for Africa because Lupita, the movement of Oscars are so white which I don’t feel was justified followed by Oscars are so male, I can’t imagine a woman or black person playing Hitler just saying. Leonardo finally got a win at the 88th Academy Awards in 2016 when he awarded Best Actor for his role in The Revenant, and I still believe he put upper a better show in The Wolf at Wall Street but the academy decided to give him an award for a role he barely sides anything all movie. This decade saw the end of Harry Potter and the Massive Game of Thrones a TV show that really had an impact on television history.

In the last decade, there has been some very nice Music coming from the likes of Adele, Ed screen, Beyonce, Sam Smith, Taylor Swift, Common and John Legend, Cold Play to the Renegades but the song of the decade fell from nowhere pictures a man doing horse-riding-like dance in July 2012 all the way from South Korea called Psy released a new song called Gangnam Style and it’s the only song on YouTube with a billion views.

It was that decade when The Harlem Shake happened in 2013, thousands of bizarre 30second versions of the “Harlem Shake” a dance set to the electronic song by DJ Baauer were being uploaded on the daily, from sports clubs to military men, to government officials.

What am I living out, sports a lot happened, from that World Cup in South Africa to Japan beating up South Africa in a rugby world cup tipping tables in the sport to the Golden State Warriors taking the NBA by storm but for me, my moment was Leicester City winning the English Premier League. It has become a turn of some sort we a now calling surprises “A Leicester City”.

About 19 million tweets kicked of the Me Too campaign leading to widespread awareness and discussion of the topic of sexual assault against women and have since then become a historic feminist movement, it’s another thing we can partly credit to the internet and technology.

It was that decade when the rainbow was everywhere in the world every single day after Same-sex marriage became legal in the U.S.A on June 26, 2015, it opened another door for LGBTQ+ Community in the whole world. So that past decade we were lucky to witness two royal weddings the one in 2011 and the last one in 2018 that seemed to be more special because many things about it rewrote human history.

In that last decade Hosni Mubarak of Egypt, Moammar Gadhafi of Libya, Ali Abdullah Saleh of Yemen and Zine El Abidine Ben Ali of Tunisia all went out of office in the same year in what came to be known as the Arab spring. Later down the decade, Omar Bashir of Sudan was overthrown a prior to him Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe also left office.

I will end with war in Syria, it’s a Civil war against the government of Assad, it’s a proxy war between Russia and America, it’s a religious war with between the Sunni and Shia Muslims who are backing a president from the Alwhyt side of Islam and its an international war against the self-proclaimed Caliphate called ISIS that has seen almost every nation on the planet get involved. Since 2011 the end is not yet in sight producing the greatest numbers of refugees since the Second world war making it the climax of the third world war generation. War is war.

The greatest thing of the decade is the awareness concerning climate change even if it has come at a very high cost at least for now everyone on the planet knows what we have got ourselves into going to the next 10 years.

I will end with a light one but it still fascinates me to this date. Never before has the world been so divided over something so simple as the color of a dress but that’s exactly what happened back in February 2015 when a picture of a dress originally posted on Tumblr suddenly went viral overnight. To me “The dress is gold and white”

That Decade My review of the decade is kicking off my first blog of 2020, still debating if I should do a review of 2019 it’s self.

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noisylibrary · 7 years ago

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Festival Concerts 2017

I saw a few shows this summer, here are my thoughts on my top ten shows (and a list of fifteen that were quite the treat nonetheless). Before I tell you why Russ didn’t make the cut, here’s a brief overview of the three festivals that I not only attended but experienced.

Ottawa Bluesfest: July 6-16th, 2017

Being an Ottawa native, Bluesfest is an event that continues to impress me and enlighten my musical tastes more than an event of this magnitude would be expected to. Despite its sometimes underwhelmed local youth attendees, the festival has been actively creating a more universal (or Canadian demographics based) line-up for the annual 10-day festival in early July. Since 2012 I have been attending the festival and learning and understanding the running trends, motives, and pillars of their organization. This year I was fortunate enough to be on a youth advisory group that sought feedback from young local music fans for line-up ideas, festival roll-out and welcomed the idea of future improvements to the already successful festival. This year’s line-up was a major success as you’ll see on my list.

Pukkelpop: August 16-19th, 2017

During my backpacking trip around Western Europe in August of this year, my friends Jack, Vinton, and Alex joined me in witnessing the most star-studded, exciting and inspiring music festival that I’ve ever attended. The stages, the amenities, the camping, the location, the short-lived relationships with other fans were all reasons to choose this (relatively cheap) 4-day musical event if the insane line-up wasn’t enough. The only thing that brought our overall experience down was our impressive spontaneity in planning our trip (or lack thereof). The initial appeal of the festival was the name of one specific band on all of our bucket lists, but as you’ll see in my list, there were several amazing reasons to travel almost 6,000 kilometers.

CityFolk: September 13th -17th, 2017

Short, sweet and stunning, the Ottawa CityFolk festival came back for a second year at the new Lansdowne Park venue with some bigger names and an overall better festival experience. Taking place on weeknights and weekend days, the Folk music category was thrown out the window once again in order to invite artists from all genres to entertain the eager Ottawa crowds.

10. Car Seat Headrest @ Pukkelpop

After seeing their name plastered around the online music community in indie/alternative publications and the live skate-punk scene, I was ashamed to admit that I had only found out about them after their 6th project, and what an album it was. Their 2016 release, “Teens of Denial” - the appropriate follow-up to “Teens of Style” was the main component of their live set at Pukkelpop in Hasselt, Belgium. Their setlist was a dream come true for a new (“fake”) fan like myself, which made the older songs that I had never heard so much more rewarding. Their dramatic range of alternative punk was a perfect fit for the setting of the tented stage on a breezy afternoon, a memorable set to say the least.

9. Sampha @ Pukkelpop

Keeping fans on their toes while alternating between infectious dance beats and somber ballads, London’s Sampha and his energetic “Club Stage” at Pukkelpop to compliment the Friday night with a stunning and immersive set. Comprised of his 2016 album ”Process” as well as cuts from his collaborations with Drake on songs like “4422” and “Too Much”, Sampha was moving the crowd’s hips to the songs more than they could sing along - but just barely. Transitioning from full band arrangements to solo piano performance to a Christmas tree-like drum kit that was surrounded by the band playing in unison, the performance elements extended far beyond the captivating sound that Sampha has become known for on his early work with SBTRKT, all the way to his newest full-length.

8. Father John Misty @ Ottawa CityFolk

Appealing to the majority of the crowd and surprising me, Josh Tillman (aka Father John Misty) delivered an extensive set list of songs with seldom politically infused speeches. The outspoken musical guru and intellectual sex god that is Father John Misty arrived in Ottawa in great spirits and with a surprising amount of energy from the get-go. This was one of those cliches that “sounded better than the recorded version” of classics from his 3 album discography. The former drummer of the Fleet Foxes made use of his powerful vocal range and took time on a few songs to incorporate his acoustic guitar for the eery-politically charged ballads of an adult version of angst. Appropriately matching his 2017 album Pure Comedy, the satirical and comedic elements of his charisma, presence and between-song monologues were part of a harmonious and cohesive motif that his persona has followed since day one. The setlist began with the majority of his new album in appropriate sequence with stunning visuals to reinforce and maybe piss off some Catholics and Taylor Swift fans, followed by a rejuvenated and remastered version of his fan favourites (OG fans unite). It definitely felt weird at times while standing up since the event felt like a comedic Broadway act, but the upside to this was that I got to sing along - and did I ever.

7. Parquet Courts @ Pukkelpop

Much like my relationship with Car Seat Headrest, the new york alternative post-punk outfit known as Parquet Courts had only entered my musical radar months before I saw them in Belgium. Listening to their most recent project, “Human Performance” made me instantly fall in love with their Sonic Youth-like sound and their Fleetwood Mac-like versatility. Their live set incorporated this and expanded on it with efficacy...and so much shredding. Toggling back and forth between their Andrew Savage led punk songs and Austin Brown’s indie/post-punk songs provided a sort of dialogue that demonstrated their craftsmanship as musicians and a motif of torn ideals that backs the majority of their work. Their cohesive and energetic playing style was unlike any contemporaries in the genre, a trait that allowed jazz-inspired solo sections but remained focused on the gorgeous unified sound throughout their set.

6. BadBadNotGood @ Pukkelpop

When four 20-year-olds from Toronto casually walk onto the stage, what do you expect? Well, you’re wrong cause they’re insane. The infamous contemporary jazz band that regularly collaborates within the hip-hop community are poised with their playing ability and humility above all else. Their late afternoon set at Pukkelpop was my second time seeing the quartet in concert. The modern and fresh jazz sound that’s fused with funk transitions and hip-hop structures leaves a haunting negative space that has featured rappers like Ghostface Killah, MF Doom, Mick Jenkins and many more, a facet not explored live but indicative of their progressive take on jazz. Featuring brass invitees and a vocal performance by Charlotte Day Wilson, the band delivered a relentless set of their classics and in jazz fashion, virtuosic solo elements. Although my bias for the overall enjoyment of the show stems from my pre-existing love for jazz and knowledge of the band’s discography, the energy, pace and presentation of their live set is a treat for music lovers from any realm.

5. LCD Soundsystem @ Ottawa Bluesfest

Imagine first, a disco hall, with a Boiler Room level DJ, and a Rolling Stones level charisma on stage. Back from the dead for the second year in a row, LCD Soundsystem ventured out to Ottawa to throttle the crowd with their cult known classics and some cuts from their 2017 release “American Dream”. The gradual dynamic builds, full band chants and ambience that they achieved was nothing less than a musical trance, which is just about as immersive you can get with a single tempo. The danger in a musical trance is not the trance itself, but the failure to realize that you’re in it. Notorious for their dance-pop songs that double the average single length, the performance of their discography makes for a beautiful encounter with a version of you that instinctively dances. I could not stop dancing, notable because the band consistently grapples with the same occurrence at all of their live shows. Both times that I’ve seen them play, it has felt like my insane enjoyment of the set was a close second behind the band themselves. Make sure that you see them live if you can, or listen to their music if you have enough energy to dance for 7+ minutes.

4. Denzel Curry @ Pukkelpop

While making this list -between pacing back and forth across the room- I struggled with the ranking of this show for a few reasons. I had a very limited background on Carol City, Florida’s Denzel Curry, but I knew that he was the very definition of aggression. It has been 3 months and I’m still experiencing the biblical moshpits and radical energy from within the stage tent. It was insane. Powering through his well known verses on songs like “Ultimate”, “Gook” and “Ult.” to name only a few, Curry bombarded the crowd with stanzas filled with 16th note runs without missing a word. Song after song, the cohesion between Curry’s DJ and the rapper himself was unheard of. Experimenting on acapella sections with a gorgeous flow and glorious punches by his DJ, POSTranaut, Curry kept his violent gaze on the crowd leaving the fans (me) terrified at how amazed they (I) were (was). His persona alone influenced the raging yet amicable crowd to go absolutely bonkers, but his explicit directions to “open that pit”, turned the energy up to 12. Although I was mentally ready when entering the tented stage at Pukkelpop, the multitude of hip-hop shows that I’ve seen were all tame in comparison. I would suggest spending a great deal of money in order to see Denzel Curry, but make sure you can afford a riot shield if you plan on getting near the stage.

3. Solange @ Pukkelpop

This is how you make a grown man cry. Solange Knowles -yes, the sister- came back in 2016 with her full length album “A Seat At The Table”, and brought it with all of its glory to Pukkelpop to close the first night of the festival. Playing the majority of her 2016 release as well as some picks from her debut EP “True”, Solange and her wonderfully attired band graced the stage with infectious sounds and beautifully choreographed dancing. Wearing all red outfits, the 9 piece band must have walked off the stage of Motown before delivering this incredible set in front of thousands of amazed fans in Belgium. Even in this small town outside of Brussels, no language barrier seemed to be present during her sing-along songs like “Cranes in the Sky” and “Don’t Touch My Hair”. Every direction I looked around in the crowd had people in this flimsy, yet groovy trance of soul, jazz and gospel. The event was holy to say the least. Check out my review of “A Seat at The Table” on the blog!

2. Anderson .Paak & The Free Nationals @ Ottawa Bluesfest

On the rainiest night of Bluesfest, fans gathered around the Claridge Homes stage at Bluesfest for a treat announced only weeks before the festival begun. As the band entered the stage to become acquainted with the crowd, all eyes were scoping the stage for the biggest smile and the shortest man. Looking like Stevie Wonder with shorter hair, yelling like Otis Redding on an intro, Anderson .Paak took to the stage without introduction or hesitation. Performing a wide collection of songs from “Venice”, “Malibu” and “Yes Lawd”, .Paak and The Free Nationals proved that anyone in the crowd could move to their music without even hearing it before. The virtuosity that .Paak achieves was evenly distributed between his drum solos, and his stage front dominance as a vocalist. The sudden and effective changes of pace that were led by .Paak was beyond remarkable, and at times during the set you could see members of The Free Nationals pausing to drop their jaw to the floor for a quick second between his drum fills. Aggressive yet heartfelt was the resulting emotion, leaving some fans in tears while some were off crowd-surfing into alternate universes.

1. Death Grips @ Pukkelpop

Notorious for the uncertainties that they give their fans (and festival organizers), the lead-up to their set was beyond stressful for the super fan that I am. Their antics have become loved by many including myself, but travelling halfway across the world for their show was beginning to feel like the biggest gamble of all time. If this isn’t making any sense, feel free to take a second to read my topic piece on the branding of Death Grips to get a sense of their slight insanity. From the dark corners of the musical internet, the core fans of the Californian trio emerged to camp out by the stage in preparation for this show. No one was truly prepared though. Some fans that we had the chance to meet before the show mentioned that this wasn’t their first time seeing them, but there was an appropriate fear in their eyes when the surrounding fans started packing in tighter as the sky got darker. A children’s drum set was the first thing to enter the stage and get set up by a single stage tech. Who knows what was going on by that point. At this point, it was hard to tell what was part of the show and what was soundcheck? (Are they going to do a Soundcheck)? Drum mic checks were done on this tiny little kit, and an abrasive sound was emanating from behind the stage’s backdrop. An emotion that felt very similar to my first encounter with their music was coming on, and I was more than excited. I was terrified. Three men who looked like the distinguishable band members walked onto the stage with hoods on and a slouched posture. Taking little to no direction from the stage tech, they began musically destroying the instruments for a soundcheck? It was them. After their half song sound-check and a short while later, the lights went down and a flickering purple screen was on at full intensity to welcome the band back. They delivered a lump-sum of their most aggressive and well known songs without any introduction, any pauses, any sips of water, any glances at the crowd and not a single light directed at their faces. Improvised synth sections and military drumming alongside the poetic gospel that was screamed into the mic was nothing short of musical ecstasy, and it never missed a beat. The three silhouettes who I can only assume were MC Ride, Andy Morin and Zack Hill, brought everyone within a mile of the stage to a new level of “Tarab” for over an hour. The adrenaline that they gave me was beyond any musical experience that I’ve ever had up until that point, and I don’t imagine that it will be matched until I see them again.

Although the full list of shows includes more than 25, do you really care about how I enjoyed Russ?

11. Preoccupations @ Pukkelpop

12. Mac Demarco @ Pukkelpop

13. Post Malone @ Ottawa CityFolk

14. Lil Yachty @ Ottawa Bluesfest

15. Migos @ Ottawa Bluesfest & @ Pukkelpop

16. Flaming Lips @ Pukkelpop

17. Night Lovell @ Ottawa Bluesfest

18. Cashmere Cat @ Pukkelpop

19. Flume @ Ottawa Bluesfest & @ Pukkelpop

20. The Shins @ Pukkelpop

21. Phantogram @ Ottawa Bluesfest

22. London Grammar @ Pukkelpop

23. Oliver Heldens @ Pukkelpop

24. Anna of The North @ Pukkelpop

25. Death From Above 1979 @ Ottawa Bluesfest

Now that there’s some sporadic snow flying around, what acts are you impatient to see during next summer’s festival season?

What were your favourites this summer?

Thanks to Vinton and Jack for the pictures!

-C

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