#going insane in the middle of the night again no biggie | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rosemarypasta · 4 years ago

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two slices of cake ♡ 1/2

➤ pairing : tsukishima kei x yamaguchi tadashi

➤ warnings : none

➤ tags: unrequited love, fluff, cafe employee yamaguchi, customer tsukishima

➤ summary : cafe part timer Yamaguchi Tadashi thought a love at first sight type scenario only existed in movies until he met a certain blonde customer who routinely buys two slices of strawberry shortcake in a to go box every Friday afternoon. Unable to bear with his massive one sided crush, his roommates got him to do something to start a relationship with the customer. But will his feelings be reciprocated?

➤ chapter word count : 4747

♡ masterpost ♡

-ˏˋ chapter one ˊˎ-

“Yamaguchi! The money!” The voice from the kitchen yelled out.

The green haired boy snapped out of his daydream from his superior’s yell, almost dropping loose change all over the counter. Blood rushed towards his face, turning it beet red. “P-Please come again.” Yamaguchi managed to say, a crooked smile on his face, as he handed the customer their change.

“Kuroo-san, I-I’m so sorry!” Yamaguchi turned immediately towards the kitchen to apologize to his boss after finally finishing with the final customer of rush hour. The black haired baker leaned against the doorway with a whisk and a metal bowl filled with whip cream, “It’s no biggie, but daydreaming in the middle of ringing up a customer? Even Bokuto has never done that before.” He chuckled at his new part timer. Yamaguchi looked down to his shoes as his red cheeks didn’t feel like it would be going away any time soon.

“Seems like you didn’t get enough sleep, Yamaguchi-kun,” The waiter hummed as he approached the counter, “What did you do last night?” A smirk evident on his face.

“Bokuto-san please refrain from teasing the newcomer.” The barista chimed in, his half lidded eyes stared at the waiter. Yamaguchi raised his head, opening his mouth to say that it was fine, trying to not escalate conflict in the place he just started working at for merely a week but no words came out, instead, the opening of the door echoed through the recently empty cafe. Yamaguchi turned on his heel and faced the customer, “Hello, welcome to Ca..”. Yamaguchi’s words trailed off as his eyes climbed up and saw the customer’s face.

“Can I have two slices of strawberry shortcake in a to go box please.” Yamaguchi watched as the pale pink lips uttered those words quickly as if he had the sentence memorized like the back of his hand. Yamaguchi’s eyes panned up to meet the customer’s golden ones. His pale lids covered half of his brilliant uninterested eyes.

Yamaguchi watched as he batted his light eyelashes a bit too hard, signaling him to proceed with his order already.

“C-coming right away, s-sir!” Yamaguchi ducked under the counter to find the to go box needed and he took the opportunity to take the deepest breath he has ever had. Though he probably inhaled too hard which caused him to have a small coughing fit as he rummaged around for the cardboard box. Without hesitation, he took the box and slid over to the glass case where the cakes were being displayed. Carefully, but as quickly as he could, he scooped the two slices of snow white cakes into the box. He made sure to give the customer the ones with the plumpest strawberries out of them all.

He brought the box back to the waiting customer and closed it up in front of him. “T-That will be 765 yen in total sir.” Though before Yamaguchi could even finish his sentence, the blonde customer’s hand was already on the counter with the exact amount of money.

“Thanks.” He mumbled, taking the box in his hands before turning on his heel and walking out the door without missing a beat.

Yamaguchi sighed as he watched the blonde’s head disappear into the crowd outside. He didn’t know how long he had been staring out the glass door but he figured it was a minute too long as Bokuto’s forced cough was the one to snap him back to reality. “You good dude?” Bokuto snickered, going around the counter to rest his arm on Yamaguchi’s shoulder.

Yamaguchi clocked out from the cafe that night with a fuzzy feeling he has never experienced before in his head and a vivid image of the customer’s piercing golden eyes.

“Thank you, come again.” Yamaguchi said with a smile plastered across his face for the twelfth time that hour. He was relieved to see there weren't any more customers to serve and slid down to sit under the counter. He wasn’t the type to hate socializing with people but jobs in customer service never fails to suck the soul out of their workers. It has been the twelfth female customer that hour. Yamaguchi surely won’t complain about his work as much if he at least got to see some eye candy, just like the tall blonde customer he served exactly a week ago. No matter how much he tried to get him out of his head, he still lingered in his mind whenever and wherever. In classes, at work, when he’s trying to fall asleep, he’s always seeing his face. But could you blame him? He was the epitome of Yamaguchi’s type. Tall, broad shoulders, fluffy blonde hair he’d just absolutely love to ruffle his hands in. He had on thin gold glasses that framed his face perfectly. Even just thinking about him just made him burn up.

“Akaashi-san, where’s the cashier?”

“The cashier? Yama-”

Yamaguchi recognized the customer’s voice right away. He immediately brushed his apron and stood up to face the blonde customer he has been dying to see all week. Is he a regular? Is that why he knew the barista’s name? He wanted to ask him so many questions but tried his best to refrain himself as he knew the customer would call the police if he actually did.

“H-Hi! Yes, um, sorry, what would you like to have?”

“Two slices of strawberry shortcake in a to go box please.” He recited his order to which Yamaguchi suppressed a laughed at. Yamaguchi has replayed the whole interaction he had with the customer multiple times a day for the past week to the point where he remembers every single word he let out of his mouth. It felt like no time had passed and Yamaguchi was replaying the same exact scenario from the previous week.

“Coming right away.” Yamaguchi managed to let out a soft smile, though he was trying his best not to giggle.

Yamaguchi chose the slices of cake and put it in the designated box in the same manner as the previous week, hoping that it would create a spell that would never let this moment end. Or at least let the same exact moment happen again the next week.

Time had passed though quickly with Yamaguchi’s busy schedule, he had barely noticed that it had been months since he started working at the cafe. He was ready to have a busy lifestyle once he started university classes but he underestimated how draining the classes were compared to his old high school ones.

Though, after a rough week of lectures and group projects, he waltzes into his Friday part time shift with butterflies in his stomach as he knew who he would be seeing that afternoon. Normally, his shifts would deplete all energy he had left during that day but that wasn’t the case for Friday shifts, in fact, seeing that blonde customer fills his heart with so much joy, he felt like the whole week worth of both university and cafe work just disappears into thin air.

Yamaguchi ran to work right after his final lecture ended. He could feel faint wet drops on his shoulder as he dashed through the diminishing bustling street but he couldn’t care less, he would finally be able to see the blonde customer after a rough long week.

“Ah, Yamaguchi-kun! You made it before the storm.” Kuroo, who took up the cashier work when Yamaguchi wasn’t around, called out as Yamaguchi stepped foot in the cafe, who was gasping for air after his run. “Hurry up and c’mere! I got a batch of cream puffs ready to go in the oven.”

“Storm? What stor-” Yamaguchi’s question was quickly answered by the vicious sound of rain drops crashing down the concrete outside.

The cafe was the most deserted it has ever been since Yamaguchi started working there. Despite it being a small cafe, it’s quite popular with women of all ages and since Yamaguchi always worked after classes, he always ended up with the afternoon shifts which are the times where the cafe would be jammed packed with customers.

With no customers, Bokuto and Kuroo decided to keep themselves entertained by playing multiple rounds of uno while Akaashi resorted to cleaning his coffee machineries. It was by far the most peaceful shift Yamaguchi has ever had but he couldn’t help but feel restless. The blonde customer was surely not going to stop by. What if he stops going to the cafe all together? The uncertainty of not knowing anything about the blonde customer was driving him insane. He didn’t even know his name or number. All he knew was that he would always come to the cafe around five on Fridays to buy two slices of cake in a to go box. Yamaguchi sighed loudly as he rested his head on the cool marble counter, not worrying about the noise as he knew the rain outside would mask his despair.

“Um, you guys are still open right?”

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened in disbelief. He slammed his two hands on the counter, pushing his face up and off the counter. His eyes were unexpectedly blessed with the sight he has longed for the past week. The tall blonde customer stood in front of the door soaked. His face was contorted in frustration as he tried his best to fold his busted dripping umbrella.

“Bo, get the towels.”

“N-No you don’t need to do that pleas-”

“I’ll get them!” Yamaguchi enthusiastically jumped up before diving in the kitchen to get towels for the soaking customer. He grabbed one of the clean towels Kuroo liked to use to wipe off batter and whip cream off himself when his baking goes wrong, and burst out the kitchen as fast as he could.

“Here.” Yamaguchi without thinking, draped the fluffy fabric around the taller customer’s neck. “Thanks?” The customer replied, his odd tone made Yamaguchi realize what he had done and made his face completely beet red in a split second.

“A-Ah! I’m s-so sorry!” Yamaguchi’s flustered words barely got out between his incoherent forms of panic. The green haired part timer bent his body and bowed towards the customer. Yamaguchi didn’t know what to expect next but he knew a laugh would be the last thing to hear from him. Yamaguchi raised his head back in confusion. His heart skipped a beat as he watched the customer he had such an intense one sided crush on chuckling right in front of him.

“Don’t worry about it,” He said softly, unlike his usual expressionless manner, “but truly though, thanks.”

Yamaguchi felt like a cupid had struck an arrow straight through his heart. He didn’t know he could fall even more in love with someone he barely knew.

“Would you like some coffee so you can warm yourself up?” Akaashi offered, an empty cup already in his hand. Akaashi’s eyes were urging the younger boy to accept but the latter declined. “No thank you, I can’t stay, I gotta go after I get the ca-'' He shook his head at the barista but his sentence was cut short by a loud sneeze to which Akaashi replied by staring at him with an “I told you so” face.

“Fine, but i’ll take it to go.” He stubbornly grumbled at the now smiling barista. He then turned to the still flustered Yamaguchi, handing him the damp towel. “Can I get the usual please?” He muttered, rubbing his nose.

“In a to go box?” Yamaguchi, who’s heart fluttered at the word “usual”, smiled, to which the customer smiled back as a reply.

Yamaguchi skipped to the kitchen to dispose of the towel and got to work. He ducked below the counter to reach for the box like he did every Friday afternoon and walked over to the display box to get the cakes.

From the way Kuroo and Akaashi acted, it seems like it wasn’t the first time this customer turned up like that. What relationship do they have? The whole interaction was bittersweet. He got to speak more with Tsukishima and even got to see him smile but got a dash of jealousy as well.

Yamaguchi shook his head at himself. He couldn’t believe he was getting that possessive over someone he doesn’t even know. He sighed at his foolish behaviour as he closed up the box.

“Here, it’s on the house.” Akaashi handed the customer a paper cup with wispy smoke coming out of the opening which made Yamaguchi’s heart twitch. “H-here.” Yamaguchi mumbled as he handed the box with both his hands.

“Ah, Tsukishima, that’ll also be on the house.” Kuroo yelled out from the far corner of the cafe, his eyes still engrossed in the uno game he was still playing with his waiter. “It’s a thanks for always supporting us.” He winked.

“Tsukishima? his name? They’re already friendly enough to not even use honourifics ” Yamaguchi’s heart yelled out.

“What? That makes no sense. Then I wouldn’t be supporting you if I got this for free.”

“Just take the cake and run, Tsukishima, at least Kuroo’s being nice to you.” Bokuto huffed, “This stingy boss even charges me for the water I drink at work.” He grumbled behind his fastly increasing hand of cards.

“Bokuto-san too?!”

“Er..thanks I guess.” Tsukishima sighed, pressing his cold palm onto the steaming paper cup. He turned to the window in front of the cafe to see the rain slowly letting up, to Yamaguchi’s disappointment. “I better get going, can I borrow an umbrella?” Tsukishima said as he pointed at the umbrella stand filled with stray umbrellas customers have left behind which have become a lost and found corner and a collection the staff created over the years.

Tsukishima began to fish through the array of half broken umbrellas as he saw the black haired owner nod. He took an olive green umbrella from the stand and turned to face the staff.

“Thank you everyone.” He said, bowing slightly. He only raised his head for a split second before exiting the cafe but Yamaguchi swore he caught a smile on his face.

As soon as Yamaguchi opened his front door, he dropped all his belongings and raced to jump face down to the empty couch. Grabbing one of the decorative pillows, he shoved his face into it and screamed to his heart’s content. Yamaguchi swung his feet as his heart fluttered at the encounter with Tsukishima.

“He has finally gone insane.” A voice murmured among the muffled screams from behind the couch. Yamaguchi removed the pillow from his face to glare at the source of voice. “Kageyama, should I call the cops?” A brighter voice said though Yamaguchi wasn’t liking the topic of the conversation.

“Yamaguchi, you don’t even know his name.” Yamaguchi’s raven haired roommate grumbled, getting fed up with the green haired boy’s behaviour.

“That’s not true anymore, idiot.” Yamaguchi hummed, sticking a tongue at him. Both of his roommates’ eyes widened at this new discovery. “WHAT! What’s his name! Did you ask him? Did he find it weird?” The orange haired boy eagerly asked to the point where he was climbing over the couch, body sprawled over the empty part where Yamaguchi didn’t occupy.

“Hinata pipe down! And I obviously didn’t ask him!” Yamaguchi threw the pillow in his hands right to Hinata’s face. “I um…” Yamaguchi started to explain how he got to know his name but remembered exactly how he did.

“You what?” Kageyama walked over beside the coffee table to sit on the floor, not even denying that he was in fact interested in his friend’s love life anymore unlike the past two weeks.

“My coworkers already knew his name and I...overheard them.” Yamaguchi sighed, taking back the pillow to squish his face back in it.

“Oh.” The two roommates said in unison though their tones contrasted greatly.

“What with the sad oh? Kageyama, don’t infect Yamaguchi with your negativity.” Hinata pouted, shooing Kageyama away from the conversation with his hand. “Name one retail employee that knows you well enough to know your name, you simpleton idiot.” Kageyama barked back, slamming his hands on the floor with no intention of going.

“That’s easy, Sato-san from seven eleven, Suzuki-san from the campus starbucks, Takashi-san from the cafe down the street-”

“The cafe down the street?! It just opened two days ago- ugh never mind, you’re just odd and freakishly social.” Kageyama sighed as he rubbed his temples from talking to his polar opposite of a roommate.

“Anyway, why does it matter if they have more than a typical customer-employee relationship? As long as they aren’t dating then you’ll be able to squeeze information out of them right?” Hinata leaned back to the plush couch, letting the soft material engulf his body, content after winning the argument.

Yamaguchi sat upright and threw himself at his redhead roommate, “You’re right! Thank you so much for being my roommate, Hinata, I probably would’ve gone insane if it were only me and Kageyama here.”

“Hey! I’m still here, idiot.” Kageyama snapped.

Yamaguchi went to bed with a foolish smile on his face. Grinning from ear to ear as he dived under the covers of his bed. He let his head be consumed with silly thoughts of Tsukishima and drove himself to sleep.

“Hello everyone!” Yamaguchi pushed open the door to begin his morning Saturday shift, greeting his seniors who are already busy with work even prior to opening the cafe. Yamaguchi always came in with a smile but this time he was truly grinning from ear to ear and it was very hard to miss. Akaashi, Bokuto and Kuroo all exchanged glances.

“Someone’s happy.” Bokuto started as he wiped the tables, his eyes, and the other two’s as well, trailed the university student who was skipping towards the storage room to get his uniform.

“Ah...youth.” Kuroo sighed, continuing to sweep the floors. Yamaguchi popped out moments later still with the same smile on his face, making his co-workers even more curious than before. “So are you going to tell us what happened or?” Bokuto’s brows raised at the younger boy.

“Oh..um, it’s kind of embarrassing so..” Yamaguchi’s cheeks tinted pink as he rubbed the back of his neck, giggles slipping in between his words.

“You got a girlfriend didn’t ‘cha?” The duo haired waiter sneered, sliding beside Yamaguchi to wrap his big arm around Yamaguchi’s small body, bringing him close to ruffle his green locks roughly. “H-huh? No! That’s not it! It’s nothing like that!” Yamaguchi managed to cough out as his head was still under attack by Bokuto’s absurdly big hands.

Bokuto pulled him away momentarily to look him in the eyes, “Then, what is it?” Bokuto asked once again with curiosity filled to the brim. “W-Well I guess it’s something like that...B-But it still isn’t that!” Yamaguchi frantically answered as he started to feel Bokuto’s piercing gaze stab through him.

“Bokuto-san. Stop it.” Akaashi, who was not up to deal with Bokuto’s antics so early in the morning, scorned from the opposite side of the cafe. Bokuto pouted and stuck a tongue out to Akaashi childishly before letting the smaller boy go. Yamaguchi then walked over behind the counter to prepare for the opening. He didn’t have much to do other than make sure no money left from the previous day was in the cash register so he ended up watching his other co-workers do their tasks. Yamaguchi’s brown eyes panned to the bar on the right side of the counter that was filled with various shiny machineries. He watched as the older man wiped down the metal parts diligently with a yellow cloth. His toned arm and biceps were showcased as he rolled up the sleeves of his white uniform to prevent them from getting dirty. Yamaguchi could feel his drool pouring out of the corner of his mouth.

If it weren’t for Tsukishima, Yamaguchi would probably head over heels for Akaashi.

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened at the foreign thought and mentally slapped himself at his absurd thoughts. Was he that depraved of Tsukishima that he started to move on to other guys for attention?

“Idiot.” He swore to himself under his breath.

“Is there something wrong?” The very man Yamaguchi had his eyes on suddenly appeared beside him with a concerned look on his face.

“Ah! A-Akaash-” Yamaguchi yelped out, flustered as the stool he was sitting on tipped backwards from the sudden jolt of movement.

Yamaguchi looked into his co-worker’s sympathetic yet confused eyes as the thought he has been obsessing over came into mind. Akaashi would be the perfect person to ask about Tsukishima. Not only does Tsukishima knows his name, he would probably not make fun of him for asking about the blonde customer. Knowing his other colleagues, Kuroo and Bokuto, they would probably laugh at him and bring it up every shift Yamaguchi worked.

Yamaguchi mentally thanked Kuroo for actually hiring at least one normal employee.

“Akaashi-san do yo-”

Just as Yamaguchi managed to muster up courage to ask the barista about Tsukishima, the bell attached to the front door rang, commencing the busy shift Yamaguchi had ahead of him.

Yamaguchi had always worked Saturday shifts but that day was by far the most hectic one he has ever gone through. Throughout the whole five hours he worked, he could barely take a sip of water, causing his raspy and dry voice to peek out every two customers. He rubbed his back as he walked home under the striking hot 1 PM sunshine, occupied by his pain rather than the one thing he forgot to do that shift.

“I’m home.” He groaned out as he opened the door to his shared apartment.

“Ah! Yamaguchi! How did it go?” Two heads peaked out the hallway as soon as Yamaguchi stepped foot in the apartment.

“Huh? What’re you talking about?” Yamaguchi said absent mindedly as he attempted to shake off his sneakers off his sore feet.

“That dude, Tsukijenga, did you at least get his first name or number or something like that?” The taller of the three chimed in, trying to contain his interested face.

“It’s Tsukishima.” The green haired boy yawned before his memories dawned upon him. “AH!” He yelled with his eyes wide open, dropping his keys on the floor melodramatically, “I forgot.”

He and his other two roommates sighed.

Three weeks passed by and to Yamaguchi’s frustration, absolutely no progress has been made. He didn’t know what to expect. Of course, Tsukishima wasn’t going to suddenly act all buddy-buddy with him just because of that time in the storm. He knew he wasn’t the social type like Hinata to begin with so he wanted to slap himself across his face for getting his own hopes up.

However, Yamaguchi felt more motivated than ever. Each night for the past week, Hinata and Kageyama had him cooped up in Hinata’s room to build up his courage to say something to Tsukishima. Anything that would trigger some action in their “relationship”. Yamaguchi felt ridiculous that he was being coached by the two biggest idiots with zero relationship experience but he had to admit, it did have an effect on him.

“See you next week, Yamaguchi!” His friend yelled out after the last professor of the day dismissed the class of freshmen students. Ecstatic that the week is finally over, Yamaguchi and the rest of his class packed all their belongings and bolted out the room. Only one thing occupied his mind as he made his way to the cafe.

He was going to ask him for his number.

Yamaguchi knew it was bold of him to even think about asking for Tsukishima’s number considering that he probably didn’t even know Yamaguchi’s name but he was determined. Anyway, if all fails, he was ready to change jobs, skip town and change his whole identity.

Each step he made felt oddly light though his lungs didn’t support that claim. He rushed through the shopping district under the blooming cherry blossom trees, pink flower petals trailing him as he rushed through the streets. He looked up to the bright blue sky to calm himself down before entering the cafe to start his long awaited shift.

“Thank you, please come again.” Yamaguchi bid farewell to the last customer in line. He tapped his foot in anticipation of the blonde customer, locking his eyes on to the door he hoped to swing open soon. He felt like he could burn a hole on the door if it weren’t for his phone beeping with a notification, averting his attention.

Hinata: Is he there yet?

Hinata: Did you ask him for his number yet?

Hinata: YAMAGUCHI REPLY !!!

He typed out a hasty response with his trembling fingers.

Yamaguchi: not yet, shut up for a sec :(

Yamaguchi: I’m already nervous as shit and you’re not helping !!

Yamaguchi borderline threw his phone under the counter as he heard the chimes of the bell attached to the front door. He briefly cleared his throat before facing up to meet the customer’s golden eyes.

“H-Hello, welcome.” Yamaguchi smiled, fiddling with his hands under the counter. Tsukishima gave a small smile back before crouching slightly towards the glass case to look at the cakes offered that day. Yamaguchi didn’t know why he even bothered to check the cake display every time if he was going to order the same exact thing anyway but he didn’t mind at all since it gave him a chance to look at him more without him knowing. Though Yamaguchi’s eyes caught something pink on top of the blonde’s head as he crouched down. He giggled as he burnt the image of a single flower petal in the middle of the blonde’s curls.

Yamaguchi’s eyes followed the petal as Tsukishima raised his head again. The pink petal slid down to settle snugly in between the curls beside his left ear. Yamaguchi suppressed a laugh by biting his lip.

“Do I have something on my face?” Tsukishima raised his brow in curiosity at the distracted employee.

“Ah, sorry! I-It’s just that um…” Yamaguchi replied. He hesitated before leaning against the counter before slowly retrieving the petal from Tsukishima’s hair. He leaned back and showed it to the confused customer to which he reacted unexpectedly to.

“A-Ah..Thank you.” Yamaguchi watched as the blonde’s usually composed face flushed bright red. His eyes began to shift away from Yamaguchi and his ears began to feel oddly hot. Yamaguchi felt like he had internally combusted at the sight of the flustered customer. He knew his own cheeks were mirroring the same red tint his customer had.

“The usual...please…” Tsukishima mumbled. Yamaguchi nodded slowly before rushing over to get the order. He didn’t know he would be able to ask Tsukishima for his number at that point. Both parties were far too flustered and Yamaguchi certainly didn’t want to make Tsukishima more uncomfortable than he should be. Besides, Yamaguchi would definitely stutter and fumble his words up before he can even reach the word “number”.

Then a bright idea came into his mind.

He delicately placed the two slices of perfectly white cakes into the box but didn’t close it up right then and there like usual. Yamaguchi hesitated before picking up his marker, glancing at the customer in front of the empty cash register. He couldn’t see it when he was right in front of Tsukishima but now that he was in front of the glass case, he could see the blonde customer fiddling with his own fingers under Yamaguchi’s line of sight back in his original spot. Yamaguchi bit his tongue hard, trying his best to not let a squeal out. It was truly the cutest sight he has ever seen.

Yamaguchi grabbed a couple of tissues and set them on the counter. He uncapped the black marker he had in his hand and was determined to write his own number on the tissue. His hands were shaking, causing the ink to form incoherent symbols instead of his number. He was about to discard it and try again but he caught Tsukishima peeping towards Yamaguchi to see what was taking him so long so without thinking further, he shoved the stack of tissues, including the one he scribbled in, into the box.

“Here you go, come again!” He said as he gave out the box with his still shaky hands.

next: -ˏˋ chapter two ˊˎ-

taglist (open):

@teasbees-knees @yeetabish

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indigosandviolets · 5 years ago

Note

Maybe the quarantine is getting to me and I’m touch starved, but I wanna know what the BoB knuckleheads are like as boyfriends/husbands. I’m craving some romance.

ohhhh my god. okay. i can do this. i’m leaving out Welsh in this, just because i don’t think i could interfere with him and Kitty. I couldn’t. I, uh, also kinda wrote a few as fathers too cause i can’t get enough of that domestic shit.

Winters: Winters, to no surprise, is a very serious husband. He’s serious about the way he loves you in that he will quite literally do almost anything for you. He does not hesitate to show you off, but not in the way you might think. It’s “yeah, my wife is so much better than me at almost everything” and “my wife loves to do (insert niche thing here)” and he’s just really a “my wife” kind of guy. It’s adorable as fuck. You two have a daughter named Ginger (it’s still funny to you). She looks mostly like you, but she definitely has Dick’s eyes.

Nixon: Lew is insanely happy when he’s around you. You brought so much light into his life after the war — and you two own three dogs! Major Murray, Captain Colin and Lieutenant Larry. You have a son named Merriwether, and Lew always has him on his shoulders in the backyard. You’ll look out the window and Lew and Merri are pointing and waving at you and begging for you to come outside and play, and you always accept the offer.

Lipton: Lipton is easily the most loving husband. There is not a second where he doesn’t have a hand on you if he can help it. It’s not because he’s overly protective or jealous in any way, he just needs to hold you so he can stay grounded. You’re his rock. He was a bit too excited when he became a father and may or may not have written to the rest of the guys with a picture of you, him and your son John to show that everything was in order down there.

Spiers: I’m gonna be honest, Spiers wasn’t planning on admitting that he liked you at first because he didn’t want to have to lose you. After the war, though, did the sparks fly. He’s protective because of this,he even gets a little on edge sometimes even though he knows you love him. It’s just a defense thing, but when you hold his hand after a long day? It melts it all away.

Randleman: Okay, Bull is the literal definition of a gentleman. He pays attentive detail to what you like and when, and is somehow the best gift giver. He’s also got that southern charm that you just can’t get enough of. Though, he’s all about you being your own person. During the war, you would yell at the rest of the company for being idiots and he’d stand behind you, watching you take charge, thinking, “That’s my girl.”

Malarkey: Malarkey is actually insanely scared of losing you. After Bastogne and Foy, the thought of losing you was one of the worst nightmares he had. Because of this, he’s always holding your hand, making sure that you’re actually there. You’re more than happy to give him that extra kiss on the cheek, that extra hug, that extra squeeze to let him know you’re not going anywhere. After the war, you named your son Skip and your daughter Penny after your husband’s best friends.

Guarnere: Guarnere is always checking on you (“you okay babe?” “what’s goin’ on, doll? you good?”) to make sure the rest of the men know their place around you. Alone, he’s one of the most affectionate men you have ever laid your eyes upon. Around everyone else? The most serious motherfucker you will ever meet. He’s also super into pet names, oddly enough.

Roe: This Cajun boy is the prince of sweet. He’ll do so many things for you even when you don’t ask him too. You say something about how you’re gonna do the laundry later today? You’ll walk out of the bathroom and he’ll be in the middle of folding the clothes. He doesn’t really know how to not do things for you because he thinks it’s the best thing he can do to make everything for you so much easier. You constantly have to tell him that he doesn’t need to, but he always says it’s okay because he loves you.

Luz: Luz is a total goofball of a boyfriend. He can try to be serious but it’s just. not. happening. He might not have a hand on you, but almost any time you interact he’ll give you a kiss on the cheek. You two don’t go on dates, but you do have movie night every Wednesday and Friday, where he’ll have an arm wrapped around you while you two make fun of shitty B-movies (if Austin Powers was around during the time, that would definitely be your movie). Movie nights only got more cuddlier after the addition of your daughter Harriet, would lays on both of your laps. It’s the cutest Christmas card to ever exist.

Toye: Toye was very standoffish at first. He kept to himself with how he felt about you, not doing much until one day he sat across the table from you, didn’t say anything, and slid a single flower across. You two were together by the end of the day. The reason why it took so long? He was worried as hell that when everything in Foy he thought you’d want a man who was “whole” over him. You responded to this by kissing him and telling him that he had a “whole” lot of love and that you weren’t gonna leave him for something like that. It was just simply out of the question.

Liebgott: Lieb cannot get enough of you. He is absolutely in love with the very thought of you. It’s not that he sees you as an object or anything like that, he just loves every last inch of your body. It’s the perfect combination with your personality to him and he really can’t get over it. Every time he sees you it’s like he’s seeing you for the first time, falling in love all over again. You two may or may not have gone with a ‘J’ name for each of your children. No biggy.

Perconte: Perconte is very insecure about his height. You love it because he’s just as tall as you. He loves that you love it even though he’s not the most confident in it. That’s how your relationship started. You two are very much the kind of couple who will get drunk together and have deep conversations that aren’t very deep (last week it was on if sharks had thoughts, and if so, could Webster read them?) and they’d be followed by a very sloppy make out and a hangover the morning after. It was okay, though. You make helluva good coffee for hangovers.

Martin: Martin is a perfect combination of Winters and Guarnere in his being serious and protective. He doesn’t fuck around with the other men when it comes to you. You always tell him that he’s too stressed, and you have to get Bull to make Johnny realize that you’re perfectly fine with the rest of the men (that doesn’t stop him from wanting to kill Guarnere when he makes certain comments).

Babe: You two are the kind of couple to go out and do SUPER dumb shit together. I’m talking like riding bikes and maybe going and trespassing on federal property at 2 am dumb shit. Somehow, the two of you have never been caught. This might be why everyone calls your daughter, Jeanie, Troublemaker 2.0.

Webster: The best way to describe Web is domestic. It was like the two of you were a married couple just a month into the two of you being together. This is why the rest of the men said “You guys aren’t?” when you invited them all to your wedding. He’s a real sap, though. He melts at the way you smile at him and just can’t take his eyes off you. You’re too captivating to him, especially when you’re talking about one of his passions.

#band of brothers #band of brothers headcanon #richard winters #lewis nixon #carwood lipton #ronald spiers #bull randleman #donald malarkey #bill guarnere #doc roe #eugene roe #george luz #joe toye #joseph liebgott #joe liebgott #frank perconte #johnny martin #babe heffron #david webster

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riskeith · 4 years ago

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happy weekend dearest!

other than the snow angels, i haven’t done much.,, just been cozying it up with coffee and blankets at home hehe. 30 degrees... amazing. ideal feeling like a rotisserie chicken weather. 😌 bc of global warming we’ve been having some great summers these past few years. it even gets to 30 degrees as well which was unheard of tbh.

you’re so cute for caring ilysm <3 and aaa! a walk! do you have any perticular place you enjoy walking to or does the winds guide you, hehe? EDITING A FIC... 👀 i’m looking respectfully...... 👀 wait did the event open up for you already? i tried to play it earlier today but it wasn’t there yet... the lost riches one right?

bennett is best boy i still can’t believe it either!!! he’s seriously the cutest he just makes me so happy. when i need to explore and run around i always run with him bc i love his lines so much. what a bebie. you should go for it there are still some days left! + he’s a four star so he’s easier to get. GUOBA IS SO FUNNY he’s just.... a little fucking bear i can’t stop laughing... tbh the little creatures like amber’s bunny too just 😭 have you seen those yt clips of them dancing? obsession..

i need to ask you this bc when i found out i lost my mind: did you know that the japanese va for razor is also the va for tsukishima (haikyuu) and shigaraki (bnha)???? insane!!! it made me consider switch to japanese dub tbh.. which dub do you use?

maybe i’ll send you a little part and you can read or something shdkdhskdjdjf help 😳 it’s not edited or anything so it might take a while plus i’m super into writing bnha these days so.... but hey if You have any prompts you want to read maybe i’ll write a drabble for you. i don’t mind at all! <33333 ask for anything!!

(FIC-COLLAB!!:!/$:)!:&//&/!$:’sidnd HELP.... omg what kind of fic would we write....?)

exactly! i think when you realize that there’s nothing keeping you there anymore that brings you joy, that’s when you need to step back. social media is a bit fucked up that way imo. like you want to be there to be informed and to have fun but it takes so much.. hm. also you always tell me this but i wanna tell you to that YOU are the reason i enjoy social media these days so.. thank you <3

you relate to bakugou and lance? that’s super hot of you.. 🥵 my wifey is a self assured, super intense and talented person.. couldn’t ask for better tbh. i think out of them both i’m pretty much like todoroki.. we’re super similar in so many ways now that i think about it shsjdhdhdj.. how about we just stay c.r and m.a our dynamic is perfect as is LMAO

DOUBLE VENTI! I’D LOOOOVE THAT FOR US. bow users are difficult indeed but venti is one of the easier bow users it feels like... idk watching others game play he doesn’t have as much pushback as say amber for example. 12K PRIMOGEMS..... babe you’re getting your xiao!!!!!! how long have you been saving? also i seriously don’t mind if it comes down to it hakshddkhd i can be your genshin sugar mommy... ;) imagine a c6 venti though that seems insane. literal insanity.

SPEAKING OF SHIPPING.... THE POST YOU POSTED... THEY STOLE OUR IDEA AND IT LOOKS SO CUTE AND ITS CHONGYUN AND XINGYUN WHICH IS EVEN BETTER... THEY LOOK SOOOOO CUTE TOGETHER I’M OBSESSEDDDDD!!!! <3333 dude idk how but we are doing that co-op date somehow i’m super inspired i want that for us so badly... (also i need to say smth... my love language is when people say ‘i thought of you when i...’ and the fact that you said that just hsjdfhjdjdksk shit)

actually you’re right.. the only way we’d get a sequel is if they did something with the mfe fighters.. like kinkade james veronica nadia and ina. idk how attractive that would be tho...

i’m a lady, my dearest *dips* no but my pronouns are she/her!! sorry i didn’t mention it before i thought i made it clear shsjsjdkdj. ty for asking tho ♥️ super sweet!

AAA!!!!!!!!!! EEE!! i’m super super excited. if it’s like,, too public and you don’t just wanna post it i might think about exposing myself or smth... if that would make you more comfy. no matter what you do i’m just gonna be here buzzing, *hinata voice* one more one more one more.

oh!! i listen to everything but kpop sjdjdkdhdk i did have a semi-phase around like 2014-19 ish but dropped it pretty hard . now i have no clue what goes on there anymore i mostly enjoy rnb indie n rap/hip.. my gay ass was considering making a little playlist or smth for u but i want to make it with songs You’d like so i might pull up my old kpop faves hehe..

guess chilling is out of the question then, heh. hope you slept well!! i’m gonna try to wake up earlier so we’ll have a chance to send more messages during the weekend perhaps... mwah!!

YOURS, m.a. <3

happy weekend!!!! hope you can ease up a bit since there’s no school hehe

“feeling like a rotisserie chicken weather” FHSKFHKSDF yes!! but it honestly sucks when it gets any hotter bc we don’t have central cooling in our house so rip... and my laptop fan goes crazy ahaha. 30 degrees being unheard of.. can’t relate! fsdfjs. have you guys had to adjust to those changing temperatures? rip climate change tho :’(

<333 i do!! i usually walk to the local park and then the streets around that.. omg speaking of... do you play pokemon go? DHAFKHSDKFHSKDFHKSDH i got back into it again recently ahaha. it’s for a free bakudeku zine!! hehehe it’s out at the end of jan so 👀

i just checked and the event is open !!!!!!!!! good luck hehe !

yup lost riches!! and the event opens at 4am server time, so since i’m in asia i get it earlier hehe which colour seelie are you gonna go for tho omg i was debating it with my friend last night.. i’m gonna pick gold!!

baby bennett!! that’s true but i can’t risk getting a 5 star otherwise my pity will reset for xiao fhdskfhskjfhkjshkfj next time :(((( but albedo /is/ super pretty and i see a lot of people saying they like him... NO !!! xiao only >:( no omg i don’t think i’ve seen those clips ? is it mmd where they like dance to other songs and stuff ahah

yes i did!!!! and the VA for diluc is giorno from jjba and kuroko from knb!! omg wait and venti’s VA is hinata did you know that? fun fact i guessed it was him when i first heard his voice LOL that’s my secret talent 😩 and i use japanese dub!! i’ve considered using chinese too bc i can understand it but i just like the japanese voice actors tbh and also i can excuse it as “listening practice” AHAH

yes pls!! sending something bnha is fine too, or legit anything else lmao i’m open arms over here~~ 🤗👐 and ooft... it’s hard thinking of prompts that’s why i always ask others HSDKFJHSDKFHSD but i’ll let you know if i think of something!!!

(no clue!!!! but we could each write from a character’s POV so hopefully it’s more consistent 🤪🤪 idk i have no clue how fic collabs work AHAHA)

yeahhh one of my mutuals said “social media is a curse” and honestly hard agree.. we’re all kinda trapped in a way LMAO. and no pls don’t thank me.. you’re the one who found me first 😩💘 ily..

FSDHKJFS pls you’re making me blush come on 😳😳 but yes i love that for us... m.a. x c.r. the only valid ship 😩

woooo!!!! yeah you’re probably right, like given the fact he’s a 5 star his mechanics are probably different.. i know that diluc’s charged attack is different to the other claymore users so! IM GETTING MY XIAO!!!! and hm i’ve been saving since the middle of zhongli banner! so december 10 ish around then? dragonspine was a blessing tbh i reckon i got sooo many primogems from that. FGJKSHFKJSDHFKSDHSHKJFH my genshin sugar mummy 🥵🥵 c6 venti unstoppable..

AHAHAHA YEAH THEY LOOK /SO/ CUTE TOGETHER!!! i wonder how they got so many of the images tho like they must’ve been so in sync?!?!? ugh that could be us but no cross-server co-op be playin’.. (fhdskjfhdskjfhs um!! noted for future reference 🤪)

omg them.. i always forget about them LMAOOOOOOOOO ugh. actually i wouldn’t be mad if we got a prequel of like when keith was in the garrison... or even when shiro was with adam... ugh so much they could’ve given us and they chose not to

*waggles eyebrows* well hello there, m’lady ;) and it’s fine fhdskjf i had some inklings but didn’t wanna assume ya know? ahah :p

no!! it’s all g, i’ve thought about posting it before anyway. like, just releasing all of my WIPs and letting people do what they want with them HAAHA. (i could also just put the link under a read more and less people would see it, so it’s no biggie!) fkdshfkjs the hinata impression omg precious <33

FJHFDSKJ awks ahah which groups were you into tho! if it’s not like scarring for you to think back to LOL. and oooo i like indie too! i think.. or is it alt? honestly i don’t even know, tbh my music taste is pretty diverse and a mess, i can usually listen to a lot of things. except slow songs i don’t really like those hfdskj. and i don’t like rap too much either FHSDKJS whenever my friend gives me a rec i’m just like “oh i liked the singing parts in that” FDSKJF. a playlist tho huh 😳🥺

and pls!! if the weekend is your only chance to sleep in then do it.. for me 😩 i’ve been legit waking up at 12pm these past few days FKJHSKDF idek why like i’m sleeping 10 hours?? yikes. but as always i shall be waiting for your response <3 💌

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post

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itisannak · 5 years ago

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Cheirophilia (Ashton Irwin)

Summary: Cheirophilia: sexual attraction to a specific area such as the fingers, palm, or the attraction to a specific action performed by the hands. Ashton hurts his arm and is tense about it. Which causes some issues with (Y/N). (Smut/ Fingering) (Warning: Ashton is kind of an asshole) (Request) (Words: 4.6k)

"Where is he?" I ask, rushing into the hospital waiting room. Calum stands up, walking to hug me and calm me down. "He is fine. They have him inside to scan his arm and hand for fractures. He seemed ok though..." He explains, pulling me to sit on one of the chairs. "Yeah, he seemed ok..." I mumble sarcastically, rolling my eyes as I rest back. "I promise to you, (Y/N), he was alright. It's probably just a sprained wrist." Calum sighs, rubbing his temples. "How did it happen?" I ask, trying to relax back on the chair. "We were playing ball and he fucking slipped and started groaning. So I brought him over. He was fine, though, just hurting." "Calum, no offense but, 'He was fine, just hurting' is not only contradictory but also has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard someone, anyone saying." I reply bitterly, folding my arms in front of my chest. "You are turning into a little bit of a bitch when you are worried." He comments and I huff annoyed. "Oh, were your feelings bruised? So sorry. It's a good thing we are in the hospital and they can take care of them, too." I say snarly, cocking an eyebrow at him. "God, why did I ever hook you up with my best friend?" He giggles, earning a pinch on his shoulder. "I am sorry. I am just very worried..." "I know, hon. I would be mad if you weren't worried and bitchy." He replies, looking at me sympathetically.

"You are never, ever, ever again playing ball or I swear to God I will not give you a blowie ever again." I rush to Ashton as he walks into the waiting room. I hug him close, not letting him go anywhere for a few moments. "Damn it, baby. I didn't die, I am right here, standing well. You don't have to worry, baby." He assures me, pecking the top of my head. "No. I got fucking scared you moron. You get a call one morning and they tell you that the love of your life got hurt and is at the hospital. Would you not be scared?" I ask, resting my head against his chest and listening to his heartbeat. "I would be shitless scared of losing you." He admits. "What did the doctor say, mate?" Calum asks after he gives us some time for ourselves. "I fractured my fingers and there is a small crack on my wrist. I have to wear a cast for at least a month." He replies, holding up his hand which is in a cast now. "No... That is fucking bad..." Calum gasps, covering his mouth with his hand. "I know. I am sorry." Ashton sighs, devastated. "What? Why are you reacting like that?" I ask, confused at how heavy they are taking this. "I will have to sit out of some practices for the tour..." He explains, sighing disappointed. "You will still have time before the tour, even after taking off the cast." I try to comfort him, patting his back softly. "Yeah, bud... We will be fine." Calum joins in, smiling at Ashton softly. "Plus, I will take such good care of you, that your hand is going to heal even faster." I wink at him, taking his hand in mine. "I suppose that this is not that bad." He replies, smirking at me. "You guys are so fucking gross." Calum groans at us, joining us as we walk towards the elevators. "What are you, 5? Only 5-year-olds are grossed out by the mention of sex..." Ashton comments, throwing his arm around my shoulders. "He is only jealous because he is single as fuck and you are the one getting laid every night." I giggle, putting my hand in the back pocket of his sweatpants. "Hey, I am getting laid too." Calum protests, making us both laugh. "Your hand doesn't count, Cal." Ashton mocks him. "Well, at least I still have a hand." Calum snaps. "Well, Ashton doesn't need one." I wink at Ashton, moving ahead to call the elevator.

"Do you need help with that?" I ask Ashton, watching him as he struggles to eat his meal. "No. I can do it." He states, struggling to cut the steak. "Let me help, baby..." I insist, trying to pull his plate from him. He pulls it away, looking at me angrily. "(Y/N), I can do things by my fucking self. Ok? There is no need to be my babysitter." He snaps at me, hitting his hand on the table. I gasp and twitch back, looking at him in utter surprise; he has never done that before, he was always the calmest, softest he could be around me. My chest rises and falls, and I catch myself feeling scared, stomach tightened and hands trembling. I pull my chair back and get up from the table, picking up my plate and throwing it into the kitchen sink, before I rush to our bedroom. "Oh, come on... Don't be such a baby." I hear Ashton says as I leave, but decide to bite my tongue and not ignite the fire.

"Baby..." I hear Ashton whisper from the door of our bedroom. I pretend I am asleep, not in a mood to have a fight tonight. I hear him sigh and move inside, walking on his side of the bed. I feel the bed shift as he sits down and strokes my hair. "I know you are not asleep, baby. I am sorry for being an asshole before, you don't deserve it. I love you, princess. And I am so sorry I made you feel unsafe." He whispers, leaning down to press a kiss on my forehead before he picks up his pillow and gets up from the bed. I stay frozen, unreactive to his apology while he walks out. My heart aches for how sad he sounded, but he was truly an asshole to me. For 10 minutes, I sit on the bed, knees to my chest as I try to think of how to approach him after this, make him soften, and show him that I want to put this behind us. So, I get up from the bed, pull my hair in a bun, and slip into one of his oversized band tees and nothing else but my panties before I tiptoe to the living room, finding Ashton with his pillow propped against the couch's arm. "Hi, there." I whisper, moving to sit on the edge of the couch. He averts his gaze from the screen, humming satisfied as he sees my soft expression. "Hi. Thought you were asleep." He teases me, making me smile at him and punch his shoulder softly. "Can't sleep without you, you know that." I reply and he hums. "One of the disadvantages of being in love with me." He strokes his thumb over my thigh. I chuckle and move to straddle his lap, biting my lip as I smile down at him. "Wanna come back to our bed? Please? I need you." I pout and he smirks. "For?" He asks, placing his palm on my leg. "For cuddles... After you pound me down on the mattress and rearrange my guts." I wiggle my hips down on his length, watching him as he closes his eyes. "I will do all that?" He asks, cocking an eyebrow at me. "You don't want to?" I ask, cradling his face in my hands. "More than anything. I wanna feel all of you." He replies, looking at me with his eyes all sparkly. "Then, let's get to bed." I stand up, extending my hand for him to take it. He takes it, following right behind me as I lead us to the bedroom. "I haven't had sex since the night before the accident." I realize, frowning a little at Ashton who chuckles. "What a coincidence, me neither." He replies, making me roll my eyes at him. "Yeah, we would be having an issue if you had." I pull him in for a kiss, bunching his t-shirt in my hand. He responds by cornering me up against the door of our bedroom, pressing his hips on mine. I feel his bulging member against my stomach, causing me to start clenching around nothing, while my thighs stay pressed together. His hand goes down my body, stopping on my hip, under the t-shirt. His fingers tangle in my panties, raising goosebumps to my skin. "You are going to drive me insane... Fucking insane." He whispers under his breath before he crashes his lips on mine. I lean my head back on the wall, wrapping my leg around his waist. "That's my fucking plan." I reply in between kisses. "Oh yeah? Well, we will have to see about that..." He replies, slipping his hand inside my panties. He uses his middle and ring finger to apply pressure to my clit and rub it back and forth, testing me to see how much I want him. "Look at that, princess. Your clit is throbbing..." He whispers, leaning closer to bite my earlobe. I grab his wrist and press my core more on his hand, guiding his hand where I want it. "Please... I need your fingers... Please..." I plead for him, causing him to chuckle loudly. "Alright then..." He says as he slips his fingers inside me. Usually, I would have been already melting under his touch, but the sensation is weird, almost out of rhythm. He must have sensed that too since he is groaning and trying to find an angle to thrust his fingers better. "Give me a second, love. I will make you feel good, I promise." He struggles to find the right way, hit the right spot, and get me begging for more. The poor guy tries to fingerbang me, but without his dominant hand, it barely feels like he is touching me. I can see the disappointment in his eyes, the frustration and agony as he looks for a reaction in me. I sigh, contemplating just faking it for his sake, but he knows my body and reactions, so he would see that something is wrong. "Babe... I don't think this is going somewhere. Let's skip to the main course..." I suggest, looking in his eyes. He looks totally disappointed, confused by the fact he couldn't please me. "No... No... I can do it... Just give me a few more minutes." He pleads. I grab his hand and push it away, fixing my panties. "It doesn't feel right baby... Let's get to the real thing." I suggest, trying to take his hand and take him to our bed. "No... I am not in the mood." He snaps at me, walking out of the room. "It's alright... We can just cuddle on the bed." I suggest, moving right behind him. "No. I will sleep on the couch tonight." He states, without turning to give me at least a look. "For God's sake, Ashton. Stop being so fucking moody. It's not a biggie that you couldn't make me cum with your fingers..." I cry out; he finally turns to look at me, eyes wide and jaw tensed. "End of the fucking discussion. I will see you in the morning." He groans, walking away. I close my eyes and take a deep breath; I am really trying to be understanding right now, and in general, I understand that this situation is challenging for him, but he has become unbearably obnoxious.

I return to the room, walking into the closet, and grabbing a pair of jeans. I change into my sneakers and pick up my purse, throwing inside my phone before I leave the bedroom. I jog downstairs, passing by the couch Ashton is sitting at the moment. "Where are you going?" He asks me, getting up and walking behind me. "I am going out for a drink. Maybe I'll sleep at a friend's house, so don't wait up." I say without turning to look at him. "You are shitting me right now, right? You are going out? After this?" He moves in front of me. "I am totally not shitting you. You are sleeping on the couch, I am sleeping out. If you keep on having this obnoxious behavior, I might sleep out tomorrow as well." I reply, grabbing my keys from the island near the door. "(Y/N), for fuck's sake... Can't you stay and talk? Maybe we can figure it out..." Ashton grabs me by my shoulders. I shimmy out of his grip, moving to unlock the door. "I will see you in the morning." Is all I say before I leave the house.

(Ashton's POV) "You look like fucking shit, mate." Calum giggles as he hands me the paper cup. "Thanks. This is a very polite way to respond to your best friend who is hurt." I respond, bringing the cup to my lips. "Yeah, but you still look like shit..." He shrugs as he spreads on the couch. "I didn't sleep last night." I reply, rubbing my face. "Why?" He asks, pushing his eyebrows together. "(Y/N) and I had a fight. She left the house and turned off her phone. I can't find her, I don't know where she is." I explain. "Why?" "Because I am a prick and I destroy everything beautiful in my life." "You are such a drama queen, mate." He laughs at me, shaking his head. "I am not kidding. She slept out of the house and she is not responding to my texts, her phone is turned off. She hates me..." I sigh and he chuckles. "She slept at my place, moron. I wasn't in the mood of watching your zombie face this early in the morning. She told me you had a fight and I wanted to check if you are ok." He replies and I shot up. "She slept at yours?" I ask, sitting on the couch he is sitting. "Yeah. She came to my place at like 10:30. She was so freaking angry at you and asked if she could sleep on my couch." "You made my girlfriend sleep on the couch, Hood?" I grab him by his t-shirt. "Dude, chill. I have a guest room, she slept there. I left before she got up. You have to fix this, mate, she seemed done with your shit." He says, cocking an eyebrow. "I really am hitting rock bottom." "Well, no matter what you are going through, she wants to be by your side, so stop trying to push her away." He tilts his head to the side, making me nod my head.

It is dark outside when the door opens and (Y/N) walks in. She is still in the clothes she was wearing last night and she looks exhausted. I jump towards her, wrapping my arms around her and holding her to my body. "I am sorry. I missed you so much... So so much... I am a fucking jerk." I whisper. She stays unresponsive, no hugging back, no words leaving her lips. "I am tired." She simply says, pulling away from me. She looks at me without conveying any emotion, just hauntingly hollow eyes and a face so neutral that makes my stomach hurts. "Oh... Can we talk before we go to bed?" I ask her; she takes away her eyes from me looking at her feet. "Actually, I think I will sleep in the guest room for a couple of nights, I don't feel like sharing the bed with you, especially now that you are hot and cold all the time." She states; the worst part of it is that she doesn't sound sad, or upset, or sorry, she is casual about it. "(Y/N), please." "Ash, it is my decision, please respect it." She says sternly. "Ok, whatever makes you feel comfortable..." I nod my head while looking at my feet. She leaves for upstairs without saying another word, and I am left looking at her as she walks away.

It goes like that for the next 3 weeks. For 3 weeks she sleeps in the guest room. I tried approaching her in the first few days, I tried talking to her, make romantic moves. But she keeps on giving me the cold shoulder, keeps on sleeping on the single bed in the guest room, keeps on spending her days in there. The house is quiet at all times, the silence sitting heavy in the rooms. It is a big win that she is eating dinner with me for the past few days; of course, again we eat in silence. "I have an appointment at the doctor's tomorrow at 11. Can you drive me, please?" I decide to break the silence. She leaves her fork on her plate and swallows her food before speaking. "Can you ask Calum? They need me in the studio and I have to pick up some samples for Debby's wedding cake." She says and I nod, rubbing my eyes. "Yeah, sure... Don't worry about it. So, how are the preparation for Debby's wedding going?" I ask, hoping she will open a conversation. "I don't really know. She asked me to do very specific things because she wants us to be amazed on her wedding day, so everything is very secretive..." She replies, looking at her plate and picking at her food. "I see. Well, at least you'll get some cake." I comment and she nods. "At least I'll eat that." She mumbles under her breath, digging in her food.

"I have to say, I am impressed. You healed pretty quickly. I would have expected at least one more week of the cast on, but if you take a look in here, you don't actually need it." The doctor says, pointing to the area of the scan that shows my healed wrist. "Of course, the fracture was minor, but still, I am impressed by the result." The doctor continues. "That's good, that's good. When can I take off the cast?" I ask, pointing to it. "Right now, actually. I would also like to take a look at your motor in the hand. Nothing too hard, I just want to make sure that you will not need extra physical therapy for that." The doctor suggests, walking to me and taking a scissor for the cast. "After that I can go back to my normal life, right?" I ask and the doctor chuckles. "Well, we will see after the examination. But given your occupation, I would suggest avoiding drumming for a few more days, less than a week, though." He explains and I nod.

I walk out of the office, finding Calum sitting on the chairs next to the door. I hold my wrist up and Calum cheers, standing up. "Finally. The cast had turned hideously filthy." He giggles, patting my shoulder. "I can finally scratch the itch." I comment, walking next to him. "When can you get back to practicing for the tour? We need to pick it up now." "He said that for a couple of days I should refrain from it, so, I think that I will give it until Tuesday, then we can start." I reply, shrugging my shoulders. "You are still not talking with (Y/N)?" He asks me. "She has been sleeping in the guest room and we barely talk. I screwed up. I think she is going to break up with me." I admit as we enter the elevator. "I don't think she will. She is just stubborn and waits for the crisis to be over. But most importantly, she is in love with you. I don't know why, but she is." He explains, raising his hands in defeat. "I am truly sorry I was a jackass." "You know I am not the one you should be telling that to. She needs to hear it and understand that you truly understood that you were wrong. So, do something about it." He suggests, fishing his phone out of his pocket.

I walk inside the studio (Y/N) is filming today, holding a bouquet of flowers in my newly free hand. I am greeted by one of the assistants, who guided me to her trailer to wait until they are done with the scene. I have been here a thousand times, but it feels strange all of a sudden. In my head, I repeat what I want to tell her, word by word, trying to make a sense out of it and put my words in order. But no matter how many times I repeated them, the moment the door opened and I saw her, it all went away. "Hi... What are you doing here?" She asks me, closing the door behind her. I stand up, pushing the bouquet in front of her. "I came to see you. I have missed you." I state. "You saw me last night..." She looks at me weirded out. "I think you know what I mean, (Y/N). We barely talk. I have missed my girlfriend. And I know it is my fault, I know that I have been nothing less than an asshole, and I am so sorry about that. I regret pushing you away, and I regret not trying harder, but I want to fix it, I want to fix us. I love you more than I thought possible and I am sorry I wasn't showing it." I state, holding my breath after I am done to wait for her reaction. She throws the flowers on the couch, taking a step towards me. "If you don't kiss me in the next 5 seconds, I will have the security remove you, I swear to God, Irwin." She says, smiling at me. I push her chin up, leaning down to engulf her lips with mine. Her lips are soft and taste like vanilla lip balm, making me hungry for her. She stands on her tippy toes, wrapping her arms around my neck to hold herself close to me. I wrap my arms around her waist, hands creeping down her ass slowly. My body relaxes as I feel her against me, the only thing that I have been craving for weeks finally becoming mine.

"How long until they call you in?" I ask pulling from her lips and kissing down her chin. "I am actually done for the day." She replies, tilting her head back to give me access to her neck. "Ok, then." I simply say before I lean down to pick her up, wrapping her legs around my waist as I carry her to the small bed in the back of her trailer. "What are you doing? You know we can leave, right?" She asks me as I lay her down. "I can't fucking wait, princess. I need you. Please tell me you need me too." I hover above her, caressing her cheek. "You have no idea how badly." She whispers, bringing a smile to my face. I reach down to unbutton her pants and slide them down her legs. She props herself up to look at me and my moves, intrigued but what I am going to do to her.

(Y/N's POV) He does not take his eyes off of me as he undresses me, kissing softly every part of my body that becomes exposed. "I've missed your body... I've missed you... I've missed everything about you..." He mumbles, removing my underwear. He holds my thighs spread apart before he uses his fingers to hold my lips open. "You are slick..." He comments, rubbing his thumb over my slit. My eyes blink rapidly, unable to form any word as I finally feel him touch me. "It's been weeks since the last time..." I let out, earning a chuckle from him. "Far too long." He comments, pressing his thumb on my clit before he rolls it softly. My toes curl as he moves his thumb, breathing becoming short and lips forming into an 'o'. "Feels good, baby?" He asks me and I nod, waiting to see what it is in for me next. "Well, let's see if this is going to make it even better." He whispers as he slips a finger inside me. He moves it circularly, teasing me before he slips a second and give me what I want. His fingers are pumping inside me, starting slow at first. "Better, baby?" He asks me. "It feels good, so good. But shouldn't you be careful with your fingers?" I ask, panicking for a moment. "Cast off, doc said I am fine." He replies, banging his fingers on my spot. My eyes widen as he does, feeling my stomach tighten; fucking finally. "Holy shit... Holy shit... Fuck... Ashton." I reach down to stroke his hair as his lips kiss my stomach. "You are so tight around my fingers, baby. Bet you will feel so good wrapped around my cock..." He says in his low voice, making me pull on his curls. He groans, pumping his fingers faster. My walls clench around them, hips moving closer to him involuntarily. His thumb doesn't leave my clit for even a moment, rolling it back and forth, slower than he pumps his fingers, just enough to keep me on the edge. "God, you are so good at this..." I moan out while he leaves a hickey on my stomach. "Maybe I can remind you what I can do with this tongue." He smiles against my skin. "No, no... Just your fingers, I love your fingers." I moan, biting my lip at the sensation. "Just fingers...?" He sounds cocky, pleased with himself. "For now." I squeak, bucking my hips in the air. He bangs his fingers inside me, jamming them right on my spot and looking at me mischievously. My hands bunch up into fists, nails digging into my palm. "For God's sake, you are fucking ravaging me..." I cover my face with my hand, trying to stop me from being heard by the whole production. "You should wait until I am balls-deep inside you to say that." He whispers; I can hear the smirk in his voice, which only causes chills to cover my body. "I wanna... I wanna... Fuck, I am cumming." I scream, arching my back off the mattress. I feel my pussy convulse around his fingers, stomach tightening, and head spinning. "Look at that pussy... My pussy... Look how it pulses... Fuck, I've missed that..." Ashton comments, pumping his fingers inside me one last time before he pulls them out. He crawls on top of me, leaning down to kiss my lips softly. "Open that mouth for me, baby." He commands, grazing his thumb over my bottom lip. I look at him as innocently as I can while I open my mouth for him. He smirks and pushes his fingers in my mouth, letting me suck on them. "See how good you taste... Show me how good you are going to suck me off in a bit, babygirl... That's my good girl..." He praises me, looking into my eyes as I suck in my cheeks and swirl my tongue around his fingers. "Can you call Debby and tell her to fuck off and pick her own fucking cake samples?" He asks, kissing my jaw. "No, I can't do that... But I am yours after the tasting test." I reply, giggling as I tangle my fingers with his. "No, you don't get it, princess. You are mine already and we are leaving now. So, call Debby and tell her to fuck off." He replies, kissing my neck. "Where are we going?" I ask, earning a chuckle. "I am taking you away for the weekend and you are all mine and I am all yours for the following days, no distractions. So, if you can't call Debby yourself, I will call her and tell her to move her ass and pick her cake." He states, extending his hand for me to give him my phone. "Alright, I'll call her." I surrender, making him smile. "That's my good girl..." He says softly, leaning down to peck on my lips.

My Masterlist

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bytheangell · 5 years ago

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Comfort in the Undefined

(Read on AO3) (Flufftober Day 21: Friends to Lovers)

It starts with a smile across a dinner table.

At first Becky finds herself wary of Maia, this girl Simon suddenly brings over to a family holiday dinner with their grandmother of all people, but she seems nice. She doesn’t run from the barrage of questioning, Becky observes, so she must really like Simon. Which is good, because after watching Simon pine after Clary for so many years all Becky wants is to see him end up with someone who will pine right back - and if the heart-eyes Maia gives Simon as they laugh at something he said is any indication, they’re doing just that.

Which is why Becky ignores the little flutter she feels when Maia laughs at something she says, and their eyes meet, and Maia’s smile is enough to make her forget why she’s here in the first place for just a second or two.

---

It continues with a conversation in a hospital room. The walls are so white they hurt her eyes and the constant beeping of the machinery around her is meant to be reassuring of her steady vitals, but mostly just drives her insane. When she opens her eyes to the sound of a knock on the door she expects to see her mother, or Simon, or one of the nurses.

The last person she expects to see is Maia.

“Can I come in?” Maia asks, adding when Becky only blinks at her in confusion, “Shit, you were sleeping, weren’t you? Sorry, I can come back-” “No, it’s fine. Come in.”

“I heard what happened,” Maia starts. “And I just wanted you to know that I went through almost the exact same thing. Someone I loved, someone I trusted, hurt me when they didn’t mean to… and I know you talked to Simon, and everything is okay with you two, but it’s still a lot to go through so if you ever want someone to talk to, you can talk to me. If you want.”

Becky lets Maia’s words sink in, wondering just how much Maia knows about Simon, but decides that she’s learned enough life-altering news for one day to pry into too much more.

“If Simon sent you to see if I’m actually mad at him, I promise I’m not,” Becky half-jokes.

Maia shakes her head. “Actually,” she starts, drawing the word out. “Simon doesn’t know I’m here.”

“Oh,” Becky says, trying not to read too much into the fact that Maia actually came entirely because of her.

So they talk; first about what happened to her and about dealing with the idea of wiping her mother’s memories again and carrying that secret, and then a lot of other things.

They talk until visiting hours are over and Maia leaves, but not without giving Becky her number in case she ever wants to talk, not just about this but about anything.

This time, Becky realizes it isn’t just Simon who’s lucky enough to have Maia in his life - it’s all of them.

---

It’s Halloween when Becky finds out that Maia is a werewolf.

She also finds out that Maia and Simon broke up.

Her initial sisterly instinct is to hate Maia, and she’s entirely willing to leave the bar and never talk to her again if that’s what Simon wants her to do, but Simon insists that he’s fine and it was mutual. Normally Becky would question that a lot more, but the fact that she knows Maia, and doesn’t believe that Maia would choose to hurt Simon, works heavily in her favor. And the fact that she saw the way Simon and Maia interacted when they first got here and didn’t sense a single thing off between them, well… maybe she can cut the girl some slack, even if she will have a lot of questions for both of them later.

...until later involves a demon attack, in which Becky is saved by Isabelle (and does Simon have any friends who aren’t ridiculously attractive at this point?) and proceeds to not-so-subtly send Simon off to investigate with her after realizing in those few moments that Izzy just might be the key to Simon not swearing off love forever.

Becky tells Simon she’ll go inside and call an uber back to his place, except she never makes it that far. Once back inside the bar she and Maia get to talking in between Maia making drinks and Becky drinking drinks, and is Becky just imagining things now that she knows Maia isn’t dating Simon, or is Maia flirting back?

Before Becky could ignore every time she found herself impossibly attracted to Maia because it was always immediately followed by guilt over the fact that she was Simon’s girlfriend, and even just having those thoughts felt like a betrayal. But now, without that barrier, it’s taking what little self-control Becky has not to lean across the bar and kiss her every time Maia leans forward to talk or slide another glass her way.

The next thing Becky knows instead of ordering a car Maia’s offering to walk her back to Simon’s now that her shift is over.

“I’d much rather go back to your place,” Becky says suggestively, more than a little drunk.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Maia says with a sigh.

“You don’t want to kiss me?” Becky asks, stopping suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk. Everything spins a little despite her lack of actual movement but before she loses balance Maia reaches out a hand to steady her.

“I never said that,” Maia tells her, biting down on her lower lip as she stalls. “I do want to kiss you, that’s the problem - which is why I absolutely cannot take you back to my place right now.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Becky mumbles.

“It will when you’re sober. Now let’s go, the fresh air will do you good,” Maia insists, leaving her hand on Becky’s arm from steadying her and using it to gently guide her down the street.

“Can you do that thing with your eyes again? That was hot,” Becky asks, having lost any semblance of a filter by this point.

Maia nearly chokes on air at the statement. “You’re going to be the death of me, Rebecca,” she says, shaking her head.

When they get back to Simon’s Maia agrees to come inside just long enough to make sure there’s some aspirin and a glass of water on the table next to the sofa where Becky insists on laying down.

The last thing Becky remembers as she drifts off is the feeling of warm lips on her forehead and a whispered goodnight.

---

Becky wakes up and is immediately grateful for the medicine and water she finds in front of her on the table. It doesn’t take long for the memories to come back to her from the night before, followed by a strange mixture of mortification and hope. Mortification because she said some ridiculously embarrassing things to Maia, but hope because unless her memory is playing tricks on her, Maia wanted to kiss her, too.

Maybe Maia just said that so she wouldn’t feel bad, but Becky doesn’t think so and she’s willing to take a risk to find out. She flies back out later today anyway, so if she’s wrong she can just hide in Florida for the rest of her life and never talk to Maia again, no biggie.

But if she’s right…

“How are you feeling?” Maia asks immediately upon answering the phone.

“Physically? Like I got hit by a truck. Emotionally? Like I owe you approximately 300 apologies for my lack of filter last night. I’m sorry if I made things weird,” Becky offers.

Maia laughs. “Don’t worry about it.”

“You were right,” Becky says suddenly.

“I usually am,” Maia answers. “But about what?”

“About what you said making sense once I’m sober.” There’s a heavy pause. “I’m sorry I put you in that position last night, and thanks for not… you know. But I have to know - did you mean what you said about wanting to kiss me?”

There’s another long pause and Becky’s worried Maia is just trying to find a gentle way to let her down until she finally speaks again.

“Yes. But not like-- I can’t do a relationship right now. So I’m sorry if you thought-” “Okay, so no relationship,” Becky cuts in. “I just really want to kiss you. I have for a while... and I’m totally sober now with a few hours until my flight, so…”

“...so I could text you my address?” Maia offers.

“You could definitely do that,” Becky agrees. “See you soon.”

It’s just an afternoon before Becky leaves again, and once and a while when she makes it up to visit Simon during her school breaks, which is fine for Becky who is almost always drowning in school work and taking care of her mother, and for Maia who is prioritizing rebuilding her pack just like she said she would.

And if things eventually settle down, and the two of them have more time for one another, well, Becky has been thinking of moving back to the city now that her mom is doing better, and Maia has been talking an awful lot about opening a diner now that things in the Shadow World have calmed down a bit…

But that’s all some big ‘maybe’ in the future. For now, at least, they’re both perfectly content with what they have here and now. And wrapped up in Maia’s embrace on her last day of Spring Break, Becky knows just how lucky she is to have it.

#rebecca lewis #maia roberts #rebecca lewis/maia roberts #idk if they have a ship name fjkslafj;dsa #shadowhunters #this was a request and instead of something completely AU like I originally planned this happened instead #so I hope you like it!#elle writes a few deadbeat lines #long post

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whoopsivehadalotofsex · 6 years ago

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Fine! Lets talk about the sex party! Except I’m just going to have to get into the play-by-play without justifying it, but first:

1. It’s not like I’m against sex spaces (and this isn’t my first go around, so that’s why this story isn’t racked with anxiety or shame necessarily), I just don’t appreciate the sex party vibe of like people mechanically fucking over folding chairs in a dusty warehouse in bad lighting. Not my aesthetic. Though I heard about this mysterious place in park slope that has parties a few times a month that’s set up with a maze of like beds, and slings and couches.

2. I’ve being doing things lately, but just a lot of “fooling around” or me topping. It happens! Still, it’s been a while since I’ve been absolutely slammed. So that’s the mood: let’s go to this sex party and get absolutely slammed.

So I get there, strip down to my jockstrap, and decide to keep a tanktop on just to see where the vibe goes (a cute look). I have on black boots too, because I guess I’m being strereotypical. The place is kind of divided with fabric curtains and bathroom-stall like dividers. Unlike a bathhouse, the sex isn’t squirreled away in rooms, but unlike a more barebones sex party it’s not like, i don’t know, on some folding table for everyone to see. There’s also a main room with with a bed with latex sheets, two slings in corners, and like this little cubby hole bed.

The crowd is really mixed with a good spectrum of age, races and body types. There’s some hunks there for sure, but the whole thing isn’t overwhelming with a “If you don’t have a six pack, don’t bother” vibe. I’m confidant something is going to happen. I kind of wander around for a little bit, let some drinks settle in, and take appraisal of the scene. You stumble across sex constantly, so after watching some stuff go down you kind of become numb to it. People watch stuff, but it’s not intensely voyeruestic.

Eventually a daddy approaches me in the more open room. He starts groping me, and then blowing me a little bit. Suddenly another daddy appears to kind of audit the experience. I am not totally sure if they knew eachother, or second daddy saw first daddy and thought “Well, if he’s into him, he’ll be into me.” Second daddy sort of remains texture to the situation, touching and rubbing from the side, then any sort of focus. Both these man are completely unremarkable in their white middle-ageness. Not fat, not skinny, not muscley, not too old but old enough to be “daddy,” not smooth, not too hairy. The kind of man I wouldn’t probably think twice about or go out of my way to have sex with, unless they, well, really make it obvious they want it and take charge, a situation facilitated well by a sex party. Plus, isn’t that a little bit of the thrill of this all? Though, I’m not really sure what the attitude towards condoms was going to be, but daddy one is down to use one. Historically, my best use for daddy dick is getting me out of a sexual (or at least bottom) slump, so why not?

Belly down on the bed with the rubber sheets I got, and daddy one goes to work. Daddy 2 kind of watches, but disappears eventually. I’m not mad about that. Daddy 1 is the better looking one. He likes some verbal “You like when daddy fucks you? You like that daddy cock?” stuff, which I always kind of ridiculous even in a bit of a haze of vodka and poppers, but, yeah, I do like that daddy cock right now and I want daddy to fuck me harder. He does. We go at it for a while. Eventually I, kind of surprisingly, cum, and he’s done too, and there’s that pat goodbye and he goes back into the night, and I think home.

I probably should have too. I got what I came for, but maybe a little earlier than I expected. Maybe rushing back into the real world would make some sort of shame settle in faster or something. So I decide to stay. I kind of feel initiated into it all now too. This is a sex party. I’ve had sex. I’m a part of the sex party.

In fact, maybe that high of the radical possibilities of some truly free and shameless sex community explains the next one. Maybe the poppers are getting to me, but after walking around a little bit, I’m feeling like this is some radical little sex tribe and it’s totally fine to have sex with anyone here as long as there’s consent. We’re a sex family. This is truly insane, but I’m feeling the fantasy enough for me to wind up back in the bigger room to find it kind of empty. I plop down on the couch, decide to relubricate myself (jesus christ that sentence), when some beefy, muscly guy comes in, make eye contact, and as soon as we ascertain we’re both done, he’s like instantly inside of me as I bed over the couch. I’m just in the moment concentrating on the sensation. My state of mind if kind of unreal. It’s like the guy isn’t even an individual, but rather some spirit of the sex party who has come to overtake me and ravage me. I hate that the phrase “I am but a hole” sir, but it entered me mind right now so be it. It feels like it lasts as long as it needed to, as in not short enough for me to be disappointed, but not long enough for me to think “Ok, but what the fuck am I doing?”

Again, I think I’m probably ready to go home, but I’m not eager to rush back and settle into reality just yet. Amazingly I haven’t sucked a dick all night, and I think to myself, “Well, maybe I’ll just suck one dick, but if not no biggy, just settle down.”

The funny thing about the main room is that you can kind of get your space. Some of the more packed crevices and cubby holes in this place seem to invite the possibility that random hands and dicks just can come flying at you even as your engaged with someone else. It seems intense, and I guess instinctually I’ve staid away. There was one little section, surrounded by partitions and chain link fencing shrouded in semi-transparent fabric that literally seemed like a fuck factory. Everytime I walked by it seemed like there were at leas two bottoms bending over on these padded benches with two tops going to work and other people intermingling in. Even doing what I’ve just done, maybe not for me.

Though the entire place isn’t empty yet, it has thinned out. The fuck factory is ground to a halt. People are still milling about. One bottom is in there like ass up, I guess waiting for whoever to come by. For whatever reason, I decide to just go in and plop down.

Well, in walks that cute little twunk and this gorgeous, tall black top. Top asks twunk if he has a boyfriend, he says they do, but obviously they’re open. They start touching, and I’m just like “Umm, I’m right here and you two are basically about to hook up right on top me.” They acknowledge that with there eyes and seem cavalierly cool with that, so I guess I’m cool with that?

Twunk starts sucking off cock for a bit, and then he literally takes the dick out of his mouth, basically hands it to me, and is like “You want some?”

Sexual tribe! Sexual freedom! Spirit of the sex party!

So of course I do, but I still can’t fully accept that I’m part of this hookup now. I was not ready for the fuck factory! It’s too much for me -- someone who just got fucked on the couch simply because I made eye contact with someone!

I give the dick back after a little bit like I was borrowing it. Like someone ordered a cocktail and said “You want a taste?”

But then twunk bends over and this two start fucking in a way where I’m basically half-entangled in, and in any event they’ve trapped me in a corner. I start rubbing twinks chest, and I kind of want to make out with him and touch his butt more, except the angle is too weird. Mostly though I am suddenly yearning to get fucked by this top too. I am totally fine with it not happening. I don’t think it will. This twunk is gorgeous and I am me, and I’ve had two dicks that night already. We’re already into all time sluttiness records here, and I’m out of a haze enough to have that realized.

Though, of course twunk is done and goes off. There’s a moment where I’m not sure whats happening. I get up to leave, and pat top on the chest almost as a “thanks for letting me suck your dick.” Of course, thirty seconds later he has me back on all fours.

Ohhh girl, this dick was divine. Thick and hard. Confident and pounding, but not trying to overpower you on purpose. Attentive to your signals and comfort, but still letting you know he’s in control. I am not caught up in the power of the sex party or the utilitarian sluttiness of “well, I’ve got to get fucked, don’t I?” I am caught up in this dick and this dick only. This is the last dick I could have for months, and I’d think I’d be fine.

After that, of course, I was finally ready to go home.

I’m a little hesistant to share this story (although, who knows, maybe it means some crazier stories from before for you all too), but don’t think I’m personally feeling bad about it. I woke up the next morning and immediately jacked off to thinking about it, and then three more times that day (breaking another recent record for sure).

I’m certainly not rushing back to that place every chance I get, but, hey it’s on the menu now.

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ashavant · 7 years ago

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The American University System: Oppressing the non-elite.

So let me get this straight...in the 70's there was a community outcry to lower the amount of tax money that got put towards college tuition for future generations? American tax payers used to cover over 70% of college costs, allowing the young students straight out of highschool the ability to work a minimum wage summer job to literally pay their entire tuition. Those with part time jobs while in school were not very common. This allowed for an ability to succeed without the unnecessary baggage of financial stress and lack of sleep at 18 years old while taking 14+ credits, which for those of you who dont know is a true 40-60 hour work week alone. All of this hard work and achievement paved the way for these kids to enter adulthood as educated, debt free, and with the world at their fingertips. Not to mention, they had the incredible privilege of not having to become a self sufficient adult in the middle of the worst economic crisis since the depression...

Compare that romantic reality to our drastically different reality today. I will use my experiences as an example for this, while probably on the extreme spectrum of experiences, they are valid and carry merit nonetheless. I was always told as a child, "you have to go to college, its not an option" Yet, when i graduated highschool, my parents grew quiet. I grew up in a 5 person household in Orange County, CA (one of the most expensive places to live in the country) in a family who made roughly $40k a year, give or take (thats poverty folx). My step-father was an electrical contractor so income was often spuratic. Anyway, needless to say they had not one penny saved for my college tuition. My parents failed to put a single penny aside for anything regarding my well-being honestly. With no car, no money, no job, and no idea when or how I could recieve a college education, I was kicked out of my parents at 17 years old with nowhere to go. I couch surfed and was able to get a couple jobs, one at a crafts store and one at a sandwhich shop. After 2 long years of working my way out of homelessness, all I wanted was to start college! So, at age 19 I applied for financial aid. However, I was told because I was under 25 I needed my parents tax information. Well, my parents never filed on time and were incredible dodgy with communication. So, after months of going back and forth I ended up paying out of pocket for a full time coarse load at a community college. I was able to work my jobs and pay this, but with nothing left over for rent or food. I ended up getting kicked out of my place, had to apply for foodstamps, and had to start over from square one. Little did I know I would have to wait 5 years before I could finally give college another shot.

I had almost given up the idea of higher education. I was making good money in the food industry at this point and had a nice company car and a great home with an awesome roommate. But then, I met a boy. We traveled the country for three months with his bluegrass band and saw 32 states. Afterwards, we again found ourselves broke and homeless. We hunkered down, worked 80+ hour weeks, saved up, and moved to Portland Oregon, "where young people go to retire". Little did we know, retire would be the LAST thing we did when we got there. Cost of living was rising in Portland, but still nothing compared to Orange County, CA. We got good food jobs and nested for about a year. My boyfriend (we will call him N) got great grades in highschool and high test scores in his exit exams, so in 2014 he chose to get back into school as a Music Composition Major at age 26. His journey is a whole other terrible story. I wanted to return to school so badly, but knew I had to wait until I was old enough to not warrant my parents tax info. Finally, at age 24 I filed my FAFSA and went to a career counselor. I was directed in the career of Civil Engineering. Having no prior knowledge of this career or topic, I dove in blindly headfirst. I chose a community college due to the fact that I barely finished highschool and did not take ant exit exams. To my surprise, I did very well in my college settings. After one year I was able to transfer to a university! Me! I WAS GOING TO A UNIVERSITY! I could not believe it, and was soo excited. I had no clue how hard this would be, not the work, but just surviving through it. I should mention here that I have a mild dissability. I have endometriosis which is a chronic illness linked to hormones, ovarian cysts, and all that jazz which can result in disabling pain and in my case an emergency surgery from time to time. I also suffer from a mild form of PTSD. So, with those alone handling high stress loads can be very hard on my mental and physical well being.

Ok, so I was a 24 year old first generation college student (first person in my family to go to college) disabled lower class person wanting a higher education. Seems logical right? Well, once I got accepted to the university, I chose to change my major to Architecture, I had taken an intro class for general ed and fell inlove. My beginning of my first year was great! Lots of lectures and reading. Aside from my tuition multiplying literally 3x from my community college tuition which did not affect my financial aid disbursement, I was fairly stress free. Now keep in mind, my partner and I are both working 20-30 hour weeks to make ends meet while taking 12-14 credits. Its basically having 2 full time jobs. Anyway, the last term of my first year came around-my first studio class. I was so excited! Time to actually do architecture! I got the syllabus and was told was supplies were needed to be successful in the class. I was also told that doing all of the requirements for the assignment would result in a C grade, if any grade above that was desired extra work had to be put in. I thought, no biggie, bring it on. The next thing she said was, "absolutely no sleeping in the studio!" Thats when I had a feeling I was gonna be in trouble. After class I went to the art store got my supplies. I almost started crying as they read my total to me: "$682.80, please." And that was with my student discount and not including all of the future supplies I would need just for that term, which I will tell you now after all the drawings and models ended up being about $2,000. That is a whole lot. These studio classes also require many all-nighters just to have enough time to complete the assignments. Many times, due to having to work outside of school I could not complete my assignments or had to do them with less craft and care than I would like just to turn it in. This year, I recieved less in financial aid, my rent has gone up significantly, tuition went up, and there are new grade requirements: if you get anything less than a B-, youre immediately dropped from the school of Architecture. So, not completing assignments isnt an option anymore. This last term costed my much less money, but once I told my instructor I was out of money, his response was, "well, this is Architecture school." What the fuck am I supposed to do with that!? A roll of Velum (drafting design paper) costs $50-$70 pencils are $2 a piece, models cost like $100 each, the list of tools go on and on. I am already paying $10k a year for tuition, ensuring at the very least $70k of debt including my masters degree which you need to get your Architecture license. And at least $100k with the $500 a month I need to borrow a month for rent. I should not need to add thousands more of that for supplies my school should be providing. And this insane pressure of pulling all nighters to get done the amount of assignments it would take us to do in a whole week last term in 2 days!

The moral of this very long story is that college is not meant for those of us trying to climb the life ladder. Its meant for the already elite. Its meant for kids right out of highschool with parents who make enough money to pay their tuition, their rent, their whole lives! Meant for kids who travel to Europe for the summer instead of working 60 hours a week to make up for the money lost during school cuz you physically cannot work more than 25 hours. Its meant for kids who can call their mommies and complain about how mean their teacher is, not for those of us who cry every night about being afraid of ending up back on the streets in the snap of a finger. Its meant for kids who can work and think about school all day every day, not those of us preoccupied with being able to pay all of our bills and being able to afford food and health insurance.

HOWEVER, even if you are like me, worse, or better, YOU CAN DO IT! I have a damn 3.7 GPA. I may only get 3 hours of sleep a lot, cry almost weekly, probably have lost years of my life due to stress, and feel scared for my health, but shit IM FUCKING DOOOOIN IT! Even though our government, or school presidents, and pretty much everyone in power disagrees, you are so worth it and you are so capable of success no matter how much harder you have to work than everyone else. Because we have to work so much harder now, we will get to party that much harder when we make it. I WILL GRADUATE IN SPITE OF THE SYSTEM! I WILL SUCCEED IN SPITE OF THE SYSTEM! I WILL CHANGE THE FUCKING WORLD CUZ I AM A BADASS AND CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PRIVELEDGED FUCKS CAN DO, JUST BETTER!

#university #college #university system #academic witch #academia #opression

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hela-of-ren · 8 years ago

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Bleach Blonde

Request: 8, 15 and 21! With Matty please 💕💕

Ohhhhh buddy, I love me some Matty goodness. Even though I love all three of those boys, Matt has always been my favorite. He’s just so lovable, I hope you enjoy!

Warning: That good car smut.

8. “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

15. “We just had sex in your car and now you’re worried about privacy?”

21. “Your inability to say no to a friend is going to get us killed someday.”

_________________________________

“Oh shit, Matty! F-fuck!” Your hips drove a sensual motion over your boyfriend’s hips, your hands clutching the leather seat of his Honda Accord and your head remaining bowed so not to bump the interior.

Matt’s glasses had begun to fog up long ago, but it was still easy to see beyond the sweat and blush that his eyes were closed in total rapture. His hands had repeatedly drifted from your back, down to your rear, up your back again, and finally settling on your breasts.

“Mmf- fuck, pumpkin! You feel so good, always so fucking good.” Even when you were in control and riding the daylights out him, Matt always had a way of dominating you with his words alone. You let out a breathy moan as his hands began to knead and squeeze, his long fingers coming up to pinch and flick over your nipples. God, the things this man could do with his hands were illegal.

“Oh, oh fu- fucking shit!” Your hands came to clutch his bleach blonde curls as his mouth began to suck on your nipple.

Scratch that, his mouth was the real talent here.

Your bodies was sheen with sweat as you lowered your head more to nip and kiss at his neck, your hands tightening in his hair and only causing the man to moan against your breasts. Your hips started to thrust faster as your building climax approached.

“Matty, I’m cumming...oh god I’m gonna cum!” Your hips losing their rhythm at the exquisite feeling of sheathing for so long around his cock. His lips and hands released your nipples in order to wrap one around your waist and another to clutch up your back and into the back of your neck.

“Cum for me, Y/N. Ride my cock like I know you like, sweetheart!” Stars, his mouth became a god damn dumpster when the two of you were in the throws of passion.

You loved every filthy second of it.

Keeping a firm grasp on you his hips start to pound up into you at a faster rate, his cock hitting you just right with every thrust. Your moans grew louder with each passing second and at this rate? You didn’t have to move your hips anymore with how he was ramming into you.

With one last powerful thrust that had your back arching up into the interior of the car, you let out the loudest moan yet as Matt groaned his release into your neck. Your body went slack into his as his hips gave a few lazy last thrusts before finally slouching back into his seat, his arms gently rubbing up and down your sweaty back.

Trying to catch your breath as you both came down from your highs, you smiled against his hair as you thought about how you came to this moment while Matt continued to trace and count each knob of your spine.

The two of you had gone on your traditional Saturday date night to see the midnight premiere of Alien: Covenant. Matt was a huge lover of anything space or aliens and you couldn’t resist going to see the hype around such a classic franchise. The jump scares and horror of the xenomorphs had you cuddling close to Matt and grasping his thigh at every kill, this only serving to thrill him and his libido the closer you got.

Needless to say, after the film had ended you found yourselves rushing back to his car, speeding through two red lights, and commencing an intense make out session after pulling into the driveway. One thing led to another and here you both were, sweaty yet insanely satisfied in the driver seat of his car.

“I hope we didn’t wake anyone up, can you imagine Mrs. Abrams coming out here and seeing us?” His low timbre took you out of your thoughts and your snorted in response before lifting your head to look at him.

“We just had sex in your car and now you’re worried about privacy?” You giggled some more as his face looked up into yours before pressing a kiss to his nose. “You’re too much sometimes, Matty.” His arms tightened around you before you felt him press a kiss to your neck.

“Can you blame me? With how loud we were in such a small space I’m surprised we didn’t flip the car.” He joked against your neck before giving a small bite and causing your body to jolt at the sudden feeling, your head hitting the interior of the car.

“Ow! Dammit and I was doing so well at keeping low.” Matt’s hands immediately came up to inspect your head as best he could in the small space, his face taking on a look of worry as his fingers massaged your forming bump.

“Oh sweetheart here, I’m sorry! Are you okay? Let me see...” It was adorable how flustered he got in these moments, it really wasn’t a big deal after all. Not like the time where Finn had accidentally elbowed you in the nose and sent you on your ass. His fingers soothed and rubbed over your head, his eyes scanning in concentration.

“This is why we can’t have nice things.” You lightly laughed until his eyes met yours. “Matt, I’m kidding. I swear it’s not that bad, just a small bump! No biggie.” Your hands came to clasp around his wrists until they dropped to hold your cheeks, his thumbs gently stroking.

“I don’t know how i put up with you sometimes.” He smirked while you rolled your eyes and set your palms against his chest.

“Definitely my great rack and superb ass, those are A+ if you ask me.” You joked.

“Well yeah those are great but, I was gonna say your iron wit and knack for indulging my fantasy for car sex.” His face was fully serious before you burst out laughing, forgetting that he was still inside you. He laughed along with you letting his head fall back against the seat before gently removing himself from you and helping you to the passenger seat, his lips pressing another kiss to your lips as you climbed over him.

You reached into the back seat and grabbed your discarded clothes ignoring your bra and choosing to only slip your panties back on before grabbing Matt’s shirt, chucking your skinny jeans and tank top back where you grabbed them. As you began to button up the shirt, you noticed Matt was glued to his phone with his brow furrowed and still stark naked.

Not that you were complaining.

You leaned over the center console and peered over at his screen. “What’s up, buttercup?” Your clothed shoulder bumping his as his thumbs began typing a response. He shook his head before fiddling around with the glove compartment.

“Poe thinks he left his notes for bio chem in my car. Probably lost track of them when I drove to and from Maz’s lab.” He shut the glove compartment before glancing out the window for a few seconds and finally opening the door.

“Matt, what are you doing? You’re butt naked! Old man Whickles will have a heart attack if he sees you!” You watched him jog to the trunk of his car before rummaging around there, his blonde head popping out to check his surroundings every now and then.

“Relax, Y/N. It’s 2:00 in the morning, there’s no way anyone in their right mind is awake right now. Especially Mr. Whickles.” He rolled his eyes before reaching further into the trunk.

“We’re up you Nerf Herder.” You reminded him in a harsh whisper.

“That’s because we saw a great movie and decided to end the night with a superb bout of fuc-” Just as he was about to set more blush into your cheeks, a bark from the neighboring house sounded and both your heads whipped to see Mr. Whickles Chihuahua, Gopher, bounding towards the car at a fast pace.

“SHIT!” Matt cursed aloud before bolting back to the driver door and jumping back in before slamming the door, his back against the middle center console and his head in your lap. “At least i found the notes.” He smiled out of breath before holding up the crumpled papers in his hand.

“Your inability to say no to a friend is going to get us killed someday.” You teased in half seriousness. “Be glad BB-8 didn’t wake up or else you’d be having a cat vs dog showdown and then everyone would see what your mama gave you.” You leaned down to kiss his forehead before scratching under his chin.

“It’d be a cool remake to Alien vs Predator, though!” His smile lit up his entire face and you couldn’t resist leaning down to press a kiss to his lips, your teeth coming to nip at his bottom lip and his hands reaching up to tangle in your hair. You were both still cramped into his car and half naked, but you wouldn’t trade moments like these for anything.

#matt solo x reader #matt the radar technician #star wars #request #solo triplets #matt the radar technician x reader #smut #kylo ren

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looselucy · 8 years ago

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Vocatus

8 I sat sobbing on my kitchen floor. Literally, sobbing. My throat was tight and my cheeks were soaking wet. I tried to hide my red eyes with my hands, uncontrollable tears drowning me like they had been doing for the past ten minutes. “WHAT HAPPENED?” I heard Mo burst through my front door. “I HEARD YOU CRYING WHAT HAPPENED?” He ran into the kitchen, though I didn’t reveal my face to see him do it. I could just tell he had by the sound of his footsteps, and the groan he emitted once he realised the reason behind my tears. “For fuck sake, Ren.” He tutted. “Are you crying over the slug?”

He was referencing the slug on my kitchen floor, which now had a circle of salt around it. I moved my hands off my face finally, and tried to explain myself. “I didn’t know what else to do.” I blubbered. “I didn’t want to drop it out of the window, because it would fall to bottom and get hurt. But-but I can’t just leave it here in my kitchen. I don’t want to hurt it but I don’t know what else to do.” “It’s just a slug, Ren.” “But I don’t want to kill it.” I heaved through tears. “Look how confused it looks! It’s stuck in the middle and-and it knows the salt will hurt it but I had to kill it and I don’t… I don’t want to.” I always did that. I’d just break down over the tiniest thing. It wasn’t always slugs. I’d killed a slug in my kitchen a couple of months beforehand and I hadn’t shed a single tear. This was just something that happened to me, occasionally. I’d just start crying over the most ridiculous things, without any good reason behind it. Mo knew this about me, knew that I’d have sporadic breakdowns like this. He knew it wasn’t a big deal. “Well, it’s done now. So… I don’t really know why you’re crying.” “I don’t know either.” I blubbered, probably crying even more. He folded his arms and just stared down to me, he might have even started tapping his foot at one point, just waiting for me to pull myself together. Because I always did. I’d have these moments and then I’d get back to normal. I’d go a couple of months being completely emotionless, and then something else stupid would happen and I’d cry again like a complete fool, and the cycle continues. Mo knew not to baby me, to cradle me and ask if I was okay and walk on eggshells. He knew he just needed to let me get on with it. I sniffled away my final few tears, then Mo offered his hand and pretty much dragged me back to my feet, still shaking his head at me. “I got bloody worried.” He continued to whine. “I thought something bad had happened. It’s a bloody Friday afternoon, why aren’t you at work?” “There was a leak, or something.” I shrugged, wiping away at my damp cheeks. “We got sent home.” “COOOOOOL! Alright, we should do something. I’m not working.” “Sorry, I’ve got plans.” “What you up to?” I didn’t really know how to explain my plan. I didn’t know how to word it without sounding slightly insane. Well, Mo, on Monday night I got really drunk with some random guy with curly hair, and we agreed we would be in a fake relationship so that our families don’t bother us over Christmas, no biggie, so I’m going to meet him to see if he’s still feeling as mentally unstable in the light of day whilst he’s sober. I debated telling him for a moment, until I thought about the onslaught of questions that would accompany that story, and decided it wasn’t the time. “Um, nothing major.” I choked over my lie. “Just uh… seeing an old friend.” “Alright. Do you need a lift anywhere?” “I’m not going anywhere on your bloody scooter.” “Don’t be mean about my moped!” He complained. “We both know I would fall off and die, so we’ll give it a miss.” I’d once gotten on the back of his ridiculous scooter, and the second he revved up the pathetic excuse for an engine, it jolted me right off and I ended up on the pavement. I didn’t trust the thing. “Alright, well I’ll leave you to it.” He began making his way out again. “So if I hear you crying again later, shall I predict that you’ve come back home, seen the dead slug, and gotten all upset again?” “Probably.” “Okay, well, I won’t come to your rescue then.” “I appreciate it anyway, Mo!” I yelled as he walked away. “I’m a hero!” He called back, and then slammed the door. I looked down to the slug again momentarily, exhaling my sorrow and then rushing out of the kitchen as a way of avoiding looking at it for any longer. So taking into consideration the leak at work, and the crying over the slug, my day was off to a pretty weird start, and I knew it was only going to get weirder. 9 I looked up to the bar where Harry worked, glancing through the glass windows and taking in how nice it looked in there, and then looking up to the sign. Vocatus I couldn’t believe I was there. I couldn’t believe any of this crap had happened and I definitely couldn’t believe how excited my mum had sounded when she replied to the idiotic text Harry had sent from my phone. “Oh god.” I whispered to myself. “Okay.” I let myself in, seeing the place was more or less empty, but it was barely even midday, and I figured that was why. I was just about to get further proof. “Sorry, Love.” The boy behind the bar started. “We don’t start serving til five.” “I’m here to see Harry.” I slowly approached. He looked up to me, taking in my appearance, probably trying to figure out how I was linked to Curls. I was still trying to figure that out myself. I got to the bar and smiled awkwardly, looking at the boy who had on a tight white shirt and black suspenders, his reasonably long hair being pushed back with a thick black headband, the very beginning of a beard growing from his skin. “HARRY, SOMEONE HERE TO SEE YOU!” He bellowed. “So how do you know him? Secret girlfriend? Obsessive one night stand? Family member?” “None of the above.” “Just a friend?” “I suppose so.” “Well, I’m Louis.” He held his hand out across the bar. “Harry’s manager.” “Nice to meet you.” I took his hand. “I’m Ren.” “Good to meet you, Ren.” He nodded, smiling. “Alright, since you’re a friend, you want anything? I make a mean Sex On The Beach.” “I’m alright, thanks.” Harry appeared from a side door behind the bar, dressed in similar attire. I could see his tight black jeans, his tight white shirt done all the way up to the top, and his hair scraped back in a bun. He seemed extremely astounded seeing me. “Well, this is a surprise.” A smirk grew on the corner of his mouth. “I figured we needed a little chat, you psychopath.” He appreciated the joke, putting down the glass he had been cleaning amongst its collection behind him, turning to Louis. “Can I take my lunch?” He asked. “Take as long as you need.” “Cheers, man.” He lifted a small section of the bar and sidestepped so he was on the same side as me, flicking his head towards a seated area near the window, tall tables and tall seats. He wandered over and sat down, and I followed swiftly behind, sitting across from, noticing the way he cracked his neck before he relaxed, looking at me with this shy smirk and low eyes. Neither of us really knew where to start. This wasn’t a situation I had found myself in before, so I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to say. I just kind of stared at him, hoping he would be able to find the words, something that was hopefully sane. “Sorry about the other night.” He grinned. “Not much sleep and plenty of alcohol. I had a moment of madness.” “That’s an understatement.” “We don’t have to go through with it.” He continued. “I know it’s insane, and I’m sorry. We can forget I ever said anything. You can forget I even exist, if that helps.” This was my opportunity, my chance to just say, yeah, let’s forget this ever happened. This was my one shot at walking away from the boy and potentially never seeing him again. For some reason, that wasn’t a shot I wanted to fire. “I’m… I’m kind of willing to go through with it.” I breathed. “Really?” “If I was to text my mum now, saying, actually I don’t have a boyfriend… Shit… I’d be in for a world of questions when I get home. They’d probably think I’d been dumped because I’m such a mess. So… too little, too late, Curls. I’m willing to go ahead with this, if you are.” He couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing, the proof of that was written all over his face as his questioning gaze gripped at me from across the table. I just hoped he would keep running with this streak of insanity, because I really didn’t want to have to text my mum and say I didn’t actually have a boyfriend. That was the only way Christmas could get any worse, trying to answer her questions. All she would think was that I’d briefly had someone in my life, and that they’d broken up with me because they could see every little thing that was wrong with me in the same way she could. I crossed my fingers under the table, waiting for his reply. “I’m glad you said that.” He huffed. “I really want to go ahead with it. I just thought you wouldn’t want to.” It seemed we were just two people who were as insane as each other. But more than that, we were two people that really just needed a break. Of course, the idea was fuelled on madness, but it would help the both of us, even if it was just a temporary fix. “Alright. So… I guess, you’re my boyfriend.” “Before that!” He stopped me. “How old are you?” “Twenty-one.” “Okay. That’s fine. I told myself anything under twenty I’d say no.” “How old are you?” I asked, finally getting some basics. “Twenty-three.” “Oh. Yeah, that’s okay.” “So yeah… I guess maybe I am your boyfriend… In a way.” He chuckled. Once again, I was lost for words. A part of me just wanted to be like, okay, done, see you later. But even I knew it wouldn’t work like that. “So… should we… I have no idea.” I blurted a laugh. “How does this work?” “Why are you asking me like I know?” A huge grin widened his lips. “Well it was your idea! You must have some kind of… plan? Or something?” He leaned back in his chair, pinching at his bottom lip and trying to think up some kind of logical plan, or even a start point. I just watched him as he did, smiling to myself as I watched the cogs working in his head. He seemed so different to how he had on Monday night. There was no denying he still gave out those good vibes, but just the mere contrast of the free boy with the long flowing hair I had met a few days previous, to the boy in his work gear, with his hair up and his thinking head on, was a contrast with such a huge presence. Maybe he wasn’t so different, maybe it was literally down to the fact we didn’t know each other. He’d just seemed so familiar to me the other day, when we had been drinking all evening and conversing so naturally. It had been easy to forget in that state, that we didn’t actually know one another. “Well, obviously we need to get to know each other a little bit.” He sighed eventually. “So let’s start with some basics. My name’s Harry Styles.” “Florence Valentine. Please don’t call me Florence though.” “Valentine? I bet February the fourteenth was a fun day for you at school.” “Given it’s also my birthday, yeah, I was pretty much a walking joke.” “You were born on valentine’s day?” He gawped. “Yup.” I tutted. “When’s your birthday?” “June twelfth.” “And you work in a bar?” “I do. I’ve worked here for almost two years. What do you do?” “I work for the shopping centre in the city, taking complaints. It’s kind of like a call-centre. People ring up and complain and I deal with it. Tedious.” “Do you live in the city?” He asked next. “I do. You?” “Yeah. I have my own place.” “Me too.” I smiled. Suddenly we both ran out of questions, wondering what other kinds of basic facts we needed to cover. It wasn’t like we thought our parents were going to quiz us or anything, it was more kind of to be on the safe side, so if they asked any questions, an answer wouldn’t be a shock to either one of us. If we were going to do this, if we were really going to do this, then we had to do it right. Suddenly, Harry burst out laughing, shaking his head and lolling his head back. “This… This is so fucking stupid.” He hollered. “This is insane and I’m so willing to go through with it and I have no idea what’s going on.” “HARRY!” Louis called from behind the bar. “YOU WANT A BURGER?” “YEAH, THANKS! You want one?” He directed to me. “I’m okay. I’m not that hungry.” “Not that hungry?” He puzzled over my choice of words. “TOMMO, MAKE IT A BIG ONE, WE’RE GUNNA SHARE!” “ROGER THAT!” “Might as well start acting like a couple, right?” He raised an eyebrow to me. I was a confident person, had been for as long as I could remember. I had my demons, like everyone else, but I was really good at ignoring them. I knew how to hold myself and how to talk, how to act and I was good in situations where a lot of people would fall flat. But Harry put me to shame. I knew this would help the two of us in this bizarre situation we had created for ourselves, but I was still a little awestruck by his nature. Even the way he sat and spoke was just filled with this exuberant assurance. It was seriously impressive. “Do you think we can pull this off?” I swallowed. “You know those really shit couples?” He began. “The ones who argue, or the ones who just don’t seem well suited?” “Yeah?” “Have you ever looked at one of those couples and thought… nah, they’re not in a real relationship. It’s fake.” “No.” I chuckled. “Exactly!” He pointed. “We could come across as the worst couple on the planet, and people are still going to buy it. Don’t fret.” That was an extremely valid point, one that would have never crossed my mind unless he had pointed it out to me. I didn’t want us to come across like we were a bad couple, of course I didn’t, imagine how crazy my mum would go if she thought I’d gotten myself into a bad relationship. I was just comforted by the fact that no matter what happened, it would never, ever be anyone’s natural instinct to question if our relationship was real or not. Because what kind of mad people would put themselves in a fake relationship, right? The more I thought about it, the weirder it got. “Okay, I’m going to mention this now, just to get it out of the way, because this is what’s confusing me the most.” I sighed. “Okay…” He trailed. “It’s just… the kissing aspect of it. Where do… What do… Do we… I don’t know.” “I thought about this.” He sat forwards. “And obviously, this is only if you’re comfortable with it. We do… just little pecks on the lips. That’s it. Because I was thinking, and I don’t think I’ve ever fully kissed a girl in front of my parents anyway, know what I mean?” “True.” “So if we just do little pecks on the lips, that’s totally natural.” “What if it’s not natural though? We barely know each other, what if we like… tense up?” “We’ll practice.” He shrugged. “We’ll practice?” I cried. “You’re not that revolted by me, are you?” The tone in his voice and the raise of his brow proved he already knew I wasn’t revolted by him. I didn’t imagine a girl had ever been revolted by him. “Of course not. This is just all… so weird.” “We’ll make sure it’s not by Christmas. We’ve got a month to get used to each other.” If we flowed as well as we had done on Monday, we wouldn’t even need a month. By the time Tuesday morning had rolled around and we were sat on the docks together, it almost felt like me and Curls had been friends for years. “Okay.” I nodded. “Then what? Do we just… pretend we broke up in the new year?” “Yeah. Then we’ll wash our hands of each other.” He smiled. “I do have a question though.” “I probably don’t have an answer.” “Well I’m going to ask you anyway.” He spoke. “This is just for our families, right? I mean… any friends in the city or anything, they’ll just think we’re friends. Do we keep the lie just within our families, and not tell anyone else?” “That sounds perfect to me.” I mulled. “And you’re not worried about slipups? A friend saying something to the wrong person and this all going tits up?” “No. None of my friends have any contact with my parents or my sister. We’re fine.” “I was just thinking it could get really complicated. Lying to some people and not others.” I wasn’t sure what would make this situation more complicated. I’d kind of thought this would all be a pretty simple process, and by the time January came around I could pretty much forget about the whole thing. It was already a lot more complicated than I had bargained for. “Okay, so how do you think we should do it?” I exhaled. “Well, we still keep it as simple as we possibly can. Maybe mention that… you’re seeing someone? Nothing official, but just to keep up appearances. So if anyone ever sees us together or like… if either of us post something on social media or something… we kind of have our tracks covered, on both ends. Keep it as simple as possible so no one asks questions.” “So when I leave, and your manager asks who I am, what are you going to say?” I grinned. “I’m gunna act all coy.” He shrugged. “For now.” Sitting there, realising that now we had all the basics pretty much figured out, this was going to be easy, because Harry was easy. I couldn’t see myself not getting on with him, I couldn’t see us arguing or struggling with one another. It was early days, but I knew that unless the boy started bursting out opinions that made him a real arsehole, which I couldn’t see happening, then we’d be okay. It felt like it was going to be easy. It really did. “Okay. I’ll start planting the seed.” I tweaked my brow. “Start dropping your name to a few people.” “Nice.” He smirked. “Is it weird that I’m finding this fun?” “I’m genuinely really buzzing off this.” Harry said with shock in his eyes. “I feel very devious.” “I never get to feel devious.” I added. “I know! If anything, we owe this to ourselves.” “We do. We really do.” I nodded. As much as we were kind of joking around, in a way, I felt like I did owe it to myself. I needed this. The thought of going to see my family and having them just lay low a little bit, for my mum to think I was making progress. If there was just one less thing for her to critique me on, I was happy with that. My parents weren’t going to give me a break, so I had to find some way of giving myself a break. Harry was my way of doing that. “Okay. Well… Nice to meet you, girlfriend.” He smirked. 10 Harry’s lunch went on a little longer than we both originally planned. We’d ended up trying to squeeze out as much information from one another as we physically could, just sticking with the basics and chatting freely, coming to terms with one another, figuring out the small things. We talked about school, and delved into our families, and therapy, and work, and our lifestyles. We even spoke about habits of ours, like how my defence system would shoot up in certain situations, and how Harry would bite his nails if he was nervous. Just small details that made me feel like I knew him. I was grateful that it did seem like the two of us got on. I couldn’t imagine how impossible the scenario would be if we didn’t. We’d agreed to meet up again the following weekend, our schedules clashing thanks to our jobs, but the next Saturday he was completely mine to divulge, and I was actually kind of excited for it. Friday evening seemed to have rolled around pretty nicely after such a productive day off, and I was amidst my usual Friday night routine. Watching some shit detective show and discussing it over the phone with Niall, my body stretched across the entire sofa. “I’m telling you she did it.” I huffed confidently. “SHE DID NOT!” He cried down the line. “Daniel did it. Watch him. Watch him confess right now.” We sat in silence for a short while, waiting for something to happen, waiting for one of the two characters on screen to own up to their crimes. “I’m confused. They’ve literally got like two minutes to wrap this whole thing up.” Niall puzzled. “Are you sure this is the last episode?” “Yeah! I checked on the guide! It said penultimate episode.” “Are you shitting me, Niall? Penultimate means second to last.” I groaned. “Really?” The truth dawned on him. “Yes.” “Well, I did not know that.” “Clearly you didn’t.” The credits began to role with absolutely zero of our questions being answered. Once again, Niall Horan and his stupidity had been an absolute waste of my time. “Well, it’s only ten. You wanna go out or something?” He asked. “Nah, I think I’m just gunna get an early night.” I realised suddenly, that I had a bit of an opportunity here. “I’ve um… I’ve got a date tomorrow.” That was the first seed, planted. I heard a loud gasp on the other end of the line. “A date? With who?” “A boy.” “And what’s his name?” “Harry.” “Like the prince.” “Like the prince.” I giggled. Niall had only worked at our place for a few months, and on the first day where he started ranting on about how much he loved The Beatles, and I knew we were going to be friends. He was boisterous and loud and fun. Everyone loved Niall. “Where did you meet him?” Shit. We hadn’t discussed that part of our lie quite yet. Shit. Because this was complicated. I didn’t think I’d want to tell my parents we had met at therapy, because they’d probably judge him. But maybe Harry would, maybe Harry would like to tell his parents where we’d met, let them know he was making some kind of progress with his sessions, maybe not the obvious kind, but in different ways. This was definitely a part of the lie that we should have discussed straight away, and yet we hadn’t said anything about it. I decided to keep it as simple as I possibly could. “He works at some fancy bar. Gave me his number. Printed on some fancy card and everything.” “Smooth bastard.” Niall tutted. “Maybe I should invest in a card.” And that was that. Lie, told. Seed, planted. I couldn’t really believe how easy it was. Not only was this fake relationship fun, devious, and helpful… It was damn easy. I’d kind of predicted that there might be some downsides to this deal, but I hadn’t stumbled across any yet, and I was loving it. “I’m gunna get some sleep then. See you Monday.” I yawned. “Good luck with the date. Night, Ren.” “Night, Niall.” I hung up the phone and turned off the TV, remaining lead with my face squished against the cushion in silence for a while. I heard faint footsteps above me, proving that Mo was in. I debated going up to see him but changed my mind really quickly. It wasn’t that often I let myself have an early night on a Friday, I always found some sort of distraction, whether it was just going and spending time with Mo, or going out drinking. I usually took full advantage of my weekends, but it felt like the day’s events had worn me out. I was even more tired than I would have been if I’d actually done a day’s work. As I lay there, not being able to find the energy and move to lay down on my bed, my mind went back to Harry. Back to our agreement. I was attempting to write a mental list of things we still needed to outline, because I’d barely mentioned it to someone and I’d already stumbled across a question I couldn’t answer. We both needed this to run as smoothly as possible. I budged so I was lying on my back and picked my phone up again, running through my contacts, hovering my thumb over his name for a few moments, debating whether I should text him or if I should just wait until I saw him the following weekend. I bit the bullet. Me: Oi, boyfriend, where did we meet? I felt nervous about sending it, and even more nervous waiting for a reply. Because I didn’t want to feel like I was bothering him. I didn’t want him to start getting annoyed, because I knew I didn’t give off those good vibes that Harry did. What if he didn’t like me? What if got sick of me before Christmas even came around? Holy shit. Suddenly I was praying that there was some way to un-send a text, which was a sensation I had grown familiar with over the years. This was just another one of those times where I was cursing technology. We’d come a long way with that shit, but not far enough. Then, my phone beeped. Curls: Hi girlfriend! I was thinking we should just say you came into the bar. Me: That’s literally what I just told my friend. We’re so similar. This is why we make such a good couple. Curls: I can see us going all the way, girlfriend. I was honestly grinning like an idiot, cooing over my phone like he was actually my boyfriend. It was absolutely ridiculous. He was just nice to talk to. I liked the way we seemed to bounce off each other. And I liked that it didn’t seem like he was already sick of me. Me: See you next weekend, boyfriend. Curls: Miss you already. I giggled, locking my phone and dropping it on my stomach. I knew we were going to have fun.

#pleeeeeaaaase reblog and be nice and leave feedback if you're enjoying it #thank youuuuu #TFA4

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rosekun25 · 7 years ago

Text

Fourteen Reasons why.

April 9th, 2017

Dear Tumblr Diary,

I’m watching “Thirteen Reasons Why.”

I haven’t read the books since middle school. But my cousin from my Dad’s side of the family sent me the book I think a year ago. Life always has a way of foreshadowing. I swear it does.

Anyway I’m reading the book too, putting off getting my food handler’s card because fuck that shit.

Anyway Im watching this and its kind of triggering. I havent watched the part where she kills herself but I imagine I’ve seen worse.

There’s a video I’ve seen Here’s a link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_PdYb0EL-Y

Anyway so far that part has hit me the most.

I mean, It has. After I got out of the hospital nobody asked me if I was okay. I had to lie. I lied about everything so I wouldnt get sent away longer than they needed me to be away.

I lied and said It was because I missed my great grandma instead of telling them it was because my world had shattered and nobody could hurt me anymore.

I lied about the pills. I took 96. Well thats now many were in the bottle. I told them I didnt know how many I’d taken. I just lied lied lied lied lied. I didnt tell anybody why I did it.

aTLEAST Until they couldnt send me away anymore.

So here are fourteen reasons why I wanted to kill myself

14. I felt like I’d do it sooner or later.

I mean it was really weird. I’ve had depression for most of my earlier childhood. I remember not thinking I’d make it to 20. But here I am. I remember wanting to get married and have children but I didn’t actually think I would live long enough to actually do it. I mean I didn’t think I’d finish High School.

13. I wasn’t beautiful.

At least I didn’t think I was. I thought pretty girls were 100 pounds, blonde and didn’t have to worry about anything except which husband they wanted. I guess I was sort of insecure. But not in the sense that I thought I was ugly. Just in the sense that I wasnt beautiful.

12. I was starving myself.

Well I don’t really remember this part. I just remember I was really really hungry. The doctors there said I hadn’t eaten for a month. But Im not sure that’s accurate. I mean I must have eaten at some point. I remember I drank tea. But anyway. I guess i was displaying “Anorexic tenancies” or whatever I was half asleep I didn’t listen.

11. I wanted to die. (duh)

But it wasn’t in the sense of me actually wanting to die. I mean when you’re young you learn about the circle of life, you watch ‘Lion King.’ Mufasa dies and you learn you wont be around for ever. I guess I just ’ wanted to hurry up and do what I was supposed to.

10. At the time, my life sucked dick.

I remember it. I was horribly depressed and doing my best to hide it. I remember I wanted nothing more than to just be held like a baby and told everything was going to be alright. But it wasn’t. There was a point in my life where I kept everything to myself. Everything. Even stupid shit like “Where do you want to eat?” or “Are you hungry?”. I just felt like I had to. Keep everyone safe, dont let anybody know you’re suffering sort of thing.

Anyway my life sucked dick, because I was always hungry never sleeping and I was overworked. I also was verbally abused at my job. To the point where I would want to cry whenever I walked in the store. But more on that some other time.

I also hated T or C. If Im going back there. Im going back in a body bag.

My Home life also sucked dick. I remember not having hotwater in the bathroom. I remember being cold every night because they refused to pay more money to turn up the thermostat. If I wasnt cold. I was so Hot. There were ants everywhere. On my clothes. In the kitchen. EVERYWHERE. I wasnt allowed to leave my house either. I couldnt just get up and go I wasnt allowed to leave except for school and work. I couldnt leave and it drove me fucking mad. I didnt have much food to eat, If there was food it was all gobbled up by my fat ass Grandfather who liked to steal my things. I still dont know what he did with most of it. The dryer didnt work either so I’d have to go to school in wet clothes that were freezing. I hated it. Oh and not to mention every morning I’d wake up to screaming. Always screaming. Nobody could ever say “Good Morning Rose, you’ve to wake up now.” No. They were too busy screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming,

9. I was so tired of everything.

I was. Really. I still kind of am. Im tired of having to work all the time and having no money. I was tired of waking up every day and going to a school. I feel like I would have liked school better if I didnt have to wake up early and put up with all of that bullshit.

The bullshit I am tired of here has literally went from 95% to maybe about 15% Professors are honest with me, My coworkers all do their jobs and I dont get in trouble if they don’t. Really Imagine, getting in trouble because one of your coworkers didnt do their job right.

The only bullshit I have to deal with is making sure I have enough hours. Which if you ask me isnt a biggie, also I make enough to take care of myself. Which is a lot better than where I was before.

8. I was going insane.

Now I know what you’re thinking “Omg, yeah sure whatever Rose. Everybody on Facebook likes to pretend they’re crazy for attention, Change your picture to Joker and Harley just to add edginess.

But no. It was stuff I dont want to dicuss with you. I had horrible dreams and I wanted to do some horrible things. In a way, I honestly thought if I killed myself I would save everyone. I still dont remember what I wanted to save them from.

7. I didnt have any friends.

Now again I know what you’re thinking, “This bitch is tripping. She won Homecoming Duchess and Princess at the last dance!” ( Side Note: I also went on to win Prom Queen. But Everybody voted for me because I wasn’t allowed to run for homecoming queen because I tried to kill myself in the Bathroom.)

I didnt have a Best friend. I didnt have somebody who hung out with me or came to my house specifically to play with me. I worked too much or somebody who ate lunch with me because they wanted to and not because I’d integrated into their little group because one of the members felt sorry for me and wanted to be my friend again.

I knew a lot of people. But I was fiery, Passionate and emotional. People were afraid of that. Either that, or they didnt care enough to try and understand it.

6. I was suffering from an unDiagnosed Mental illness

It was Borderline Personality Disorder. It was making me crazy.

I still dont understand what it means.

I know it means.

But I dont understand it.

5. I missed my Daddy.

There. I said it. I FUCKING SAID IT.

In my family, I was supposed to pretend he didnt exist. We all were. We didnt have Dads. We were just born. You know i didnt accept my Step Dad until My Dad stopped coming to see me. But what does that matter? I mean I wasNT A BOY. HE DIDNT FUCKING WANT A GIRL. HE PROBABLY HAS 80 BILLION FUCKING DAUGHTERS! HE DOESNT NEED ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!!!

But how am I going to forget the man who hated it when I cried? The man who bought me all of these presents because he knew he was never going to see me ever again. The man who bought me my first Barbie Car, my Hamtaro doll and my pretty Amethyst Birth Stone Barbie. All because he fucking knew he was never going to see me again.

I havent seen him since I was two. But I remember waking up in my hospital bed with Leslie telling him he had to talk to me because the doctors said they didnt know if I’d make it. I heard my auntie tell him in spanish and then he said “I dont talk to anyone who isnt blood.” and I wished I would have died again and again and again.

4. I wasnt afraid to die.

I mean honestly who is? Im Catholic now. I understand its the circle of life. Ive seen Lion King. But I honestly wasnt afraid to die.

Here’s my philosphy on Religion and Death and everything

If you’re a buddist and you die. You go do Buddist stuff. Buddist heaven, Buddist Hell.

If you’re Jewish and you die. You go to Jewish Heaven because there isnt a hell.

I know in church they tell you not to believe in other gods. But God mentions in the Holy Bible several times. So Meh.

But I wasnt afraid to die. Im pretty sure my life had been clean and the only sins I really had were Hating my parents and Premarital sex. God wouldnt send me to hell for that. So I thought I’d go to heaven and party with Kurt Cobain

Because when a kid with Cancer dies, God doesnt send them to hell for dying of Cancer. So why would he send me to hell for succumbing to my depression?

I mean atleast even if He was the God I think he is.

3. By this point I was honestly sure nobody cared.

The English teacher who carried me to the ambulance cared. I’m sure of that.

But I mean nobody cared. I remember coming home to no food in the refrigerator and thinking “Oh well they’re making it easier for me now.” I remember nobody ever asking how I was. I remember feeling numb I remember waking up that morning and deciding I was going to give life one last Chance. I’d missed the bus that morning and I had to call my Grandmère to give me a ride to school because My Mother wouldnt teach me how to drive because she didnt want me to run off with my boyfriend and be happy.

Because I guess bragging rights about your kids going to college are more important than your kids actually being happy. I’ll remember that when I have kids. If I live to have kids at least.

Anyway I remember forgetting to take the pills out of my backpack. Im sure there’s an alternate universe somewhere where I did take them out of my backpack and I just went home early that day instead of killing myself in the bathroom. But hey what about the alternate universe where Hitler cured Cancer?

Nobody cared. Thats the point. Obviously if nobody noticed I was starving myself. If nobody noticed any of the signs that I displayed.

But of course they all showed up to the hospital and cried crocodile tears. Then they yelled at me again as soon as I woke up.

2. My life was over.

“But you were accepted into NMSU! You were graduating Highschool! You had your whole life ahead of you!!!”

Did anybody ever think for just a second that I didnt want any of that? Honestly! Everybody was so proud. Nobody stopped and asked me if thats what I wanted to do. Because it sure as hell wasnt. I didnt want to go to college. Twelve fucking years of a system that made me kill myself in the Bathroom and you wanted me to do eight more years?! I wanted to get married and have babies. But I had to. You understand. I had to. I couldnt be like my sister. I couldnt stay in Highschool forever. I had to go to school because Men are useless now and I couldnt just get married out of highschool because as soon as they leave you’re going to need to take care of yourself! But I didnt want that. I wanted to get married. I wanted to have kids.

1. Chance left.

Honestly this was it. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I could see it coming though. Yeah, I made fake accounts to try and talk to him. Yeah I was a thirsty hoe (Symptom of BPD btw). Yeah I kind of texted him until right before I did it. I mean I was 18 of course I was obsessed. He cared. He would kiss me goodnight, He would try to get me to eat but I never would. I wanted to be pretty for him. I wanted him to love me. He did for a moment. You know love is like a drug, A drug that makes you happy every day of your life. Even if all you do is fight. Maybe its because I’d never loved anybody before him. Not even my Mother. When I lost that happy bubbly warmth. I wanted it back. I was so desperate to get it back. I didnt notice. I didnt notice all the terrible things that happened. I looked over all of the mean words, and abusive flags. None of those mattered, as long as I got that feeling of being warm, loved, safe, and protected. Because it made me want to live. If I couldnt live. I wanted to die. I wanted to die and be with that feeling forever.

Maybe things would have changed if I had realize what a fucking scum bag he was earlier.

Am I still Suicidal? Yes.

You cant turn it on/off contrary to the belief of everyone around me. I’ve been suicidal since I was a little girl. But will I do it again? I cant promise I wont.

Fourteen Reasons why I want to live.

14. I’m happy now.

I dont know if I could consider this as happy as I want to be, I mean Im still single. I have no children. But I’m happy. I dont have all the money in the world but I can go get Starbucks. I can go out and eat If I want to and that makes me so happy. It makes me so happy to have access to food.

13. I love my apartment.

I love my apartment. I love everything about it. I do. Except the rent payment lol. I love that I can literally do whatever I want in this little one bedroom place. I love it. I love keeping it clean, I love putting up whatever I want on the walls and I love love love it so much. Im so warm and happy and there is always food here.

12. I love where I live.

I love my town. Its big, its bright and i can get whatever I need to. I can go to walmart again whenever I want and I dont have to beg anybody to take me through the drive through or pay anybody to take me to the mall. I can go see movies and see the world. I love the world. I love the grass and the trees and the warmth of the sun. I can sit on my porch for hours, I can watch the rain, I can go outside. I CAN GO OUTSIDE!!!!

11. I love being free. My freedom is my most precious possession, I don't want to die if I can be free.

10. I don't want to die until I find that person. My whole life I've been told There's a soul mate for everyone. When I think about suicide. I think about being dead, in a way, Death was freedom for me. But part of me doesn't want to leave that person alone. I can't. If He was made for me . Then he's like ME and if he is then I don't want to leave him alone.

9. I have food.

I know what you’re thinking “Whatever, I have a frozen Dinner in the fridge. Does that make me not suicidal?”

I have food to eat. Like I do. I dont have to scrounge around my house for a packet of Ramen or hiding a can of soup under my bed and praying it would be there when I woke up. I can wake up and eat whatever I want. I can make dinner and sometimes I just stare at all of the food in my refrigerator and smile.

Side note, It’s now May 12th, school is over. Im trying really hard to finish this. It’s triggering. Like, Hannah Baker, Everything she does. I can see myself in her. I could deal with the books. I could deal with the books because I had borrowed my friend’s book and typed the alternate ending and stuck it in my book. I visualized it in my own way. Now seeing it. It’s triggering. Did anybody notice? Did anybody try to?

What about when I did it? Did anybody think? Did anybody try and look after me. I mean nobody noticed me stop eating so I doubt anybody noticed me writing wills in my psychology class, or me writing my suicide note over and over again.

The final draft only had a few words by the way and nobody read it.

They didnt even read the instructions I left for them incase I survived and had to go to the hospital which is why I had to wear the same clothes I wore when i did it. Which absolutely sucked. But i was glad I was getting out of the mental hospital, so there’s that.

I still dont understand why shit like this cant happen in real life. I dont understand how people can make people suffer so much emotionally that they think suicide is the only answer.

This is really hard to write. I have to think of reasons I want to live instead of reasons I want to die. That’s hard. I want to die. Im so sick of this. But I dont want to die. I want to live.

In a sense, I really feel like Hannah Baker. Because She wanted to live, she wanted life and happiness but she just dies at the end. I wonder if that will happen to me?

I’ve had people ask me if Im sure I should even be watching a show like this. But I have to. I have to finish it.

I read the book I know what happens. But I have to finish it for myself.

8. Kingdom Hearts III will come out (Eventually)

I have found joy in video games once again. I mean. Ive always loved video games. But I was playing South Park Stick of Truth again and I liked it. I liked it a lot and I wanted to... I wanted to play it so much.

I’m sure they have video games in heaven but i wonder do they have midnight release parties? Do they have endings that arent perfect?

Im sure they do. But being alive for them is different.

Eventually though. Kingdom Hearts III will come out. Eventually. Ill get to play it. Maybe Ill get to play it with my grandchildren and teach them about Sora, and Kairi, and Riku.

7. I want to be a Mother.

Thats all I’ve ever wanted in life. Really. I just want to hold my baby and raise her/him. I dont want them to have to come home and wonder if there’s food to eat, or if the house is going to be warm or when Mom is going to come home.

I want to have children and teach them and give them love and warmth and make them safe and give them everything I never had in life. Like love, and chances. Chances to make something of themselves in a way I never could.

6. I want to live to be an annual passholder at Disney

I mean I’ve been to Disneyland Nineteen times and this summer it will be 20. But I want to be able to wake up one day, have the day off from work and ask my kids if they want to go to Disneyland instead of school. I want to go there and have a great time and not have to worry about school or work or depression or anything.

5. I really want to do my bucket list.

I mean there’s lots of cool stuff on it. But I’m sure they have most of that in heaven. But I want to do it before I die. Like I want to visit Euro Disney in person and hang out in France. I want to walk up and realize I’m going to see the Little Mermaid on Broadway tonight. I want to be able to tell everybody about what I’ve done and inspire them to do the same thing.

(Update: It’s June now. I have to finish it. I had to stop. It was getting bad again. Really bad. I’m ready now. I really am.)

4. I want to get married.

Honestly thats been my life goal since I was a baby. That and being a ballerina but appertanly my dreams dont matter enough for us to stay in a place I could actually achieve them. I want to have a big fancy wedding which will probably dumb down to me getting married at the court house which I am totally fine with. As long as I am officially married and we honeymoon at Disney.

Jesus Chirst I cant do this. I really cant. I fucking cant. . . Why? WHY am I here? Why did I live? It’s fucking impossible did you know that? Am I still alive? Am I dead? I wont fucking know! I’m so much happier now! I really am. But I cant do this. I fucking cant. Why? Why am I alive? Why did I live? SO I could pay bills for the rest of my life? I hate being broke. I hate not having any money. I spent 20 dollars today to go out to lunch and that was a luxury. I couldnt afford that. Especially with all these bills. Why? Why is it so expensive to live in a 3rd world country with Iphones? Why? I dont have a car I have to ride the bus everywhere and spend a billion dollars on fucking everything. WHY? Why? I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate having to be mad at myself for going to the mall and spening 11 dollars. ELEVEN FUCKING DOLLARS! I bought a keychain today. I bought a keychain today and I wasnt supposed to do that! I love my apartment, I love it, I wont leave it unless I’m in a body bag or leaving with my husband, But i dont understand WHY?! Why? Why do they want everything I have? Everybody just wants money. Everything is just money money money money, do I Have enough? WIll it last? Will I be able to do something with it? Why do you want all of my money? I can barley afford to live and everybody wants to make it fucking harder than it already is!!!!!!!!!! I cant do this. I really want to die. But i really want to live. I really want to live. But i cant live.

3. I want friends. . .

I want best friends. I want the kind of friends where you all can just hang out together and do stupid shit. I want inside joke kind of friends, I want the sort of friends that make fun of you but you know they dont mean it. I want a specific place for us to hang out and laugh and live.

2. I want to be infinite.

I dont mean immortal. I mean I want to do things. I want freedom. People have freedom given to them while others have to fight for it. I want to take a roadtrip. I want to eat at gas stations with somebody and travel and see the world. I’ve always wanted to see the world but i’ve been locked up in this FUCKING TOWER for so long and now i’m afraid to get out of it. I am afraid to live because I’ve never been able to live before! Why are people born free when I could not leave my house to get the mail?

1. I want to experience love.

I have never loved anybody. For a moment, I thought I loved Chance. But I realized, you cant love somebody who has never loved you. So i didnt love my Mother, or My sisters and brothers or my grandparents. That wasnt love. It was forced affection. Because when you love somebody you make sure they’re in the car before driving away and asking if they are. If you love someone you dont kick them out of your car. If you love somebody you offer to take them home instead of letting them sit in 32 degrees watching their spit freeze, while you let your family treat them like shit just like you did.

But I want to experience love. All kinds of love. I want to know why people like it so much and why the feeling is so euphoric. I want to be held and treated like I am a treasure. Like I am worth something.

Is that love? I will find out one day. I want this. Even if its the only thing I will have. I want it.

I’m on the second to last episode now,

I wonder if the author wanted us to feel bad for people we’ve slut shamed. I wonder if we’re supposed to think about it that way.

I dont know about you but I hate fake people who pretend they’ve killed themselves. I mean I know its a cry for help. But I wish they would go and talk to somebody instead of insisting they sliced their wrists 80 times and got sent to the ER even though their wrists are scarless and havent look liked they were cut ever.

My therapist once sent me to the ER because I told her I was feeling suicidial.

I thought that was utter bullshit.

Because all I had learned to do was lie.

Why are you suicidal honey? *Sniff* My greAT Gran died and I miss her so much and I wish I could talk to her and hug her. Oh baby it’s gonna be okay, Derek she’s not suicidal get her out of here.

See? Then at my next therapy session I had to lie to her and tell her I wasnt suicidal. Which was another lie.

Anybody who has ever asked me about my Great Grandma Elisa knows I hated going to her house and I didnt like her. I’ve never liked her. She was so mean to me. She really was.

But i cant say I cried crocodile tears at her funeral. Or when They woke me up and told me she wasnt breathing and I knew she was dead, and I cried in my sleep. Something I didnt do, and didnt start doing until it was getting really bad again.

Isnt that funny though? How i learned to just lie to everybody instead of telling the truth?

I’m on the last episode now.

I cant make you believe how many times I had to stop this and step away for a moment.

It was honestly too realistic.

Like just the things she said

“I decided to give life one more chance.”

I remember thinking the exact same thing.

and watching it blow it.

Thats always how my emotions have been.

Hannah is stealing razors now.

I remember the day I bought the sleeping pills specifically to kill myself.

I didnt tell my Mom that. I told her I was having trouble sleeping which was true.

I remember telling kids I thought I was taking too much.

I remember pouring handfuls into my own hand and just staring at them. I thought they were really pretty.

I remember sleeping in class because I’d take too many on purpose.

I remember hanging up on 911

I remember calling my ex boyfriend.

I wondered what would happen if he would have answered. I really do.

Probably nothing,

I still would have done it.

I remember swallowing handful after handful.

I remember being carried to the office and hearing your voice in my head.

I remember dying and being at peace.

I remember waking up and screaming and crying.

Because honestly. Suicide doesnt hurt. No. aside from me not being able to eat for a couple weeks without throwing up, or choking up tablets everytime I tried to take a pill.

What hurt was waiting. I waited for life to get better.

It didn’t.

Hannah baker is going to slit her wrists,

I’m mad. This isnt the way it happened in the books. She swallowed pills.

ItsnotrealRosemaryitsnotrealItsnotevenhowithappendinthebooks

This is triggering.

I reserve the right to skip this part.

I cant breathe.

Okay, Okay.

I dont fucking get why people say this show glorifies suicide. We are literally watching a girl die. The worst part is this is how actual people have done it. Oh my god. Oh my god there’s so much blood.

Her parents, Oh my god. Okay that was so fake.

American Horror story did a better job.

Which is probably why it kept me from killing myself. I watched Violet do it and it scared me. It scared me so I didnt do it.

You know when I first read the books I guess I was really confused because I thought Mr Porter raped Hannah. I was like in 8th grade.

Okay so Hannah Baker is still dead. The episode is over.

How are they going to do season 2?

I mean Tyler is Obviously going to shoot up the school and Alex tried to off himself. It’s Obvious Alex isnt going to die. It’s Obvious Tyler isnt going to kill him.

I liked watching this.

I mean aside from it taking me two months to finish because, well it kind of was triggering.

Side note:

I am not contemplating suicide please do not message me or call the cops.

Also for anybody who is.

National Suicide Prevention LifelineCall

1-800-273-8255

#13 reasons why #rw Fabulous #Rosekun25 13rw Suicide notFabulous #SaySomething ClayxHannnah 13RW Savealife

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chelseyroseblog · 7 years ago

Text

WORKING THROUGH MY FIRST PANIC ATTACK

APRIL 19, 2018

Mannnnn oh mannn you guys.

This is something that I definitely never thought I'd be writing about. I honestly didn't know if I was going to be able to write about it at all because the thought of it would start to speed up my heart rate but it's been about a week now since it happened and I think I'm feeling better...or at least good enough to talk about it. HA, we'll see if I can get through this post....

So have any of you ever had a panic attack before?

I never had. I've had anxiety here and there but not to the point where it was debilitating. Panic attacks and anxiety attacks are apparently different so to jump from having a little anxiety every now and then to having a full blown panic attack was terrifying.

So as a lot of you know - over the last few months, my schedule has been really insane. Waking up at 5:30 am 5-6 days out of the week, working late nights anywhere from 3-5 nights a week and then going to school, working out, and health coaching in between.

MAY 3, 2018

Haha, sooo apparently I wasn't ready to write about it. I got that far before I started to feel my chest getting tight and I had to get out of the house. Since my panic attack happened while I was home alone, I couldn't STAND to be home alone. It happened at night though so I thought I could deal with being alone in the middle of the day which was when I was writing that last post.

My boyfriend mentioned that he was going to go run some errands which I figured would be fine, but as I heard him getting ready and getting closer to leaving, I started to get more and more tense sooooo here we are 3 weeks later.

BUT, GOOD NEWS!

I'm currently home alone now and I'm A OKAY.

I still wanted to come back to this post though because when I started talking about it on Insta - I got a lot of feedback from you guys talking about how you've had them before and you were happy that someone was talking about it.

I was so surprised to find that SO many people around me that I talk to on a regular basis have had them too! It was really comforting for me during that time because after the attack, I honestly felt so scared because I had experienced the feeling of actually losing my mind.

So if you've never had a panic attack before, I think it's important to know about what can trigger it, and what may happen during the attack.

BEFORE PANIC ATTACK (THURSDAY)

For me, I was severely sleep deprived. BUT silly me wanted to get work done so I had a double shot of espresso with a teaspoon of a new product this company sent me. The nickname for the product is "dopamine bean" and the serving size was a 1/4 of a teaspoon. I thought it was like any other product I have - something that would just give me some energy so I had some, but I had a teaspoon. No biggie I thought.

I think like 45 minutes went by before it was 8:30pm and I was STILL friggin EXHAUSTED. That was when I said screw this and got ready for bed.

I laid in bed, home alone, and tried to fall asleep. I couldn't get comfortable, I couldn't relax my mind and I kept feeling hot and then cold. So I turned on a meditation that I typically LOVE but it was annoying me SO bad.

UGH. WHAT THE HELL, I thought.

Then I figured I would take a little hit from this weed pen that a friend gave me. I typically can't smoke because it makes me paranoid but I had had this one before and it was very helpful in times that I couldn't fall asleep.

So, I hit that twice really quick and laid back down. I think maybe one minute passed before the combination of the coffee, dopamine bean, weed and sleep deprivation hit me and I JOLTED up in fear that I was in sleep paralysis.

DURING PANIC ATTACK

I was terrified and had to get out of my bed IMMEDIATELY. I turned on all the lights and felt my heart pounding against my chest at what felt like 300 miles an hour.

Then this is where I started really going downhill and I felt very nervous and VERY vulnerable to tell anyone what I was thinking during the next hour BUT once I finally told one person, they were able to relate, and then suddenly I realized that everyone I spoke to who had had a panic attack was able to relate and I found a lot of comfort in that.

So - I willlll tell you.

Once the panic attack started happening I felt like both sides of my brain were communicating with me EXTREMELY FAST. It was like non stop thoughts back and forth over and over and over and AND OVER AND over again for the next hour.

One side of me would think, just BREATHE, you're having a panic attack, call a friend, it's okay, everything will be fine.

And then this is where it was scary.

The other part of my brain was thinking, hurt yourself. Jump off the balcony, Do something insane. Don't have anyone over. Don't talk to anyone. You WANT to hurt yourself.

It was absolute HELL.

I couldn't understand why I was thinking such insane thoughts. I couldn't understand why this was happening to me.

I called my boyfriend but he was at work and then ended up calling my friend in SD. While I was talking to her my legs started shaking uncontrollably and I had to lie in bed. I wanted to feel like I had someone with me so I asked her to stay on the phone with me but I honestly didn't feel like talking much. I was SO hot then SO cold and couldn't stop shaking so that was making it hard to speak anyways.

My friend was trying to be as helpful as possible by just asking me questions and telling me about her day but I actually didn't want to answer questions or feel like I had to listen to stories. Again - IT SUCKED.

While we were on the phone my boyfriend called me back (this is probably like 30 minutes into the attack) and he tried to get me to calm down and asked me if I wanted our friend to come over.

Part of me was thinking YES. YES please hurry, I need someone here before I go insane, get them over here asap.

The other part of me (and yes I realize this is crazy) was thinking NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. You can't even stand to walk to the door of your room, how are you going to walk all the way downstairs, through the parking lot and to the front to let someone in? What if you do something crazy. What if they start annoying you and you tell them to leave? Then what happens from there?

Mind you - this was all the thoughts going on in my head. Meanwhile I'm not saying anything more than "uh...um...I don't...maybe.." to my boyfriend. He was about to tell me to text him if I decide what I wanedt to do before I finally managed to blurt out "YES, get Steph over here. Hurry".

Stephanie is a good friend of ours and she did everything right. Before coming over she googled "how to talk to a person having a panic attack" where she realized that she needed to be veryyy calm, and not judgmental at all. She nailed it haha.

I managed to take 7 big deep breaths while I was putting my shoes on and walked to meet her (slowly) at the front of the apartment where I like leached on to her, haha poor thing. She noticed how much I was shaking because we talked about it later but she didn't mention it when she was walking back up with me.

She asked me where I wanted to chill and made me some calming tea and turned the tv on for me. We kept the lights off because that felt too aggressive for me and she kind of just told me in a really calm way that she was there for whatever I needed and then didn't try to spark up conversation.

That was the best.

It was like 10:00pm by the time I was able to eat a little something and feel myself relax. It was like taking my first big deep breathe in months then letting it out and feeling SOOOOOOOOO exhausted.

AFTER THE PANIC ATTACK

I felt like I came out of a crazy ass dream. Again I was just sooo effing tired. I mean, I was already tired before the whole episode even started so you can imagine how I felt after. I was able to start having actual conversations with Steph without feeling like I was tense or out of breath and then we both calmed down over a glass of red wine which was THHHE BEST.

THE NEXT DAY (FRIDAY)

I felt far from myself. I was VERY irritable, and then happy, and then irritable, and then tired, then REALLY TIRED. I was forcing myself to get in the sun and walk along the beach just for the purpose of raising my endorphins but all that ended up happening was me forcing myself to smile, avoiding eye contact with people and wondering when I would feel normal again.

I even went and got a burger and an aperol spritz and read my book by the beach because I figured that would be a form of treating myself and feeling good, which it did! But by the time I was driving to work which was only about an hour later - I was down again, and stayed that way for the rest of the night.

SATURDAY

2 days following the panic attack I was with my boyfriend all day and I felt like I found this new form of happiness that would never leave. I felt like not only was I back to myself BUT I knew what losing my mind felt like versus being in control and I knew that as long as I never had to feel out of control again, that every single day would be amazing.

I was like on a high this day. SO SO SO happy and I part of me was thinking it would last for forever haha BUUUT it didn't.

(I promise this story is almost over).

SUNDAY

Sunday is important to talk about because this is where I learned that it is possible to have minor panic attacks again after a big one for up to 1-2 weeks. The day was amazing again, just like Saturday. During the evening though I found myself home, alone, and THOUGHT that everything was great. I had some food, watched some TV, and was trying to get myself to relax. Around 6:00 pm I went onto my balcony to write in my journal and before I could even write the date, I realized I was in the same setting I was during the attack.

It was quiet, I was home alone, and I before I knew it by heart started racing and I felt like the walls were caving in. I literally just picked up my book and my journal, threw on some shoes, grabbed my keys and bolted out of my house.

We have a huge park right next to us so I went there and tried journaling, didn't help.

I walked around the track - didn't help. At this point it was getting dark and they were starting to turn the park lights off and the thought of going back to my house was basically debilitating.

I hate feeling like I'm bothering anything or in the way but I felt like I had no other option than to ask Steph again if I could come to her place and just stay with her until my boyfriend got home. To be honest - I was so shaken up that I had a couple shots when I first got there that I feel like helped me calm down a little bit but I didn't feel the lease bit intoxicated. My mind was still wandering and I was feeling frustrated at this point.

AS THE DAYS WENT ON.

People that had experienced attacks were telling me that I can't keep running from it, which I knew but it was just so damn hard. They told me to avoid things that might trigger the same feelings as the attack so exercise had to be light in order not to raise my heart rate, coffee should be avoided, drinking should be avoided, and I just needed to rest.

SO, at this point, about three weeks later, I would say I'm feeling 100% better. I just wanted to share this with you guys so you know what to expect, what to do, and what to be aware of after the attack.

Feel free to share your story below!

XXX

#mental health #panic attack

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