#goes back to bawling in my feelings like the sensitive bitch i am.

[makenoplans]

listening to music trying to vibe bc i cant fall asleep and MAN kintsugi kid came on shuffle and it hit me like a fucking truck tonight

[futurewriter2000]

✨ Ranting ✨

Just gonna do it-

I don’t even know how to start this but the fact that I am getting meaner and meaner towards my sister- it feels justified. 

I’ve been trying so hard to not be mean towards her but the fact of the day is that she is a horrible person towards me and she’s not even aware of it. She has done me so wrong and I cannot even tell you how upset I am because of her. Since yesterday I cannot get in a good mood. I just can’t. 

Sometimes I think that if I am nicer to her or if I listen to her or that I do good things for her that our relationship will change but I just turn out a fool when I do those things. 

She keeps saying how she loves me and how sad she is I never say it back but I don’t say it back because she doesn’t love me. I don’t believe her. I just don’t. Her words are empty because all she does is not keep to her words. 

And I’m the kind of person who get’s really upset and broken over broken promises. I just am that way and I can’t help it. I’m a sensitive bitch deep inside and I hate it.

I know that everybody goes on her side because she is the older sibling but I don’t know- she makes me feel so alone. What she says to me, what she does to me- I can’t love someone like that but I do love her so much. I do work hard for her but she wouldn’t even lift a finger for me and that creates such a big ball inside my throat that sooner or later, I will bawl into my red, x-mas pillow I had since I was 5 years old. 

She said she would and she didn’t but if her best friend or any of her friends would ask her to do it, she would do it in a heartbeat. I’m not saying she’s a bad person but she’s a bad person towards me.

Everybody keeps telling me that we’re sisters and even my mom tells me “That’s how she is. Just do what she says and let it pass.” 

Like no. I don’t listen to ignorant people. I stand up for myself when nobody else does and I get hurt so much but I’d get more hurt if I didn’t stand up for myself. I am so alone and I guess that is something I needed because if I didn’t realize that nobody believes in me and that nobody stands by my side, that in this world I’m nothing but just me and my will power- then I wouldn’t be taking such a big leap and take control of my life.

I’m mean towards her but that’s because she broke so many promises to me over the years that I can’t trust her- I can’t talk to her. I just can barely even look at her. I don’t know why but I guess I feel so heartbroken because of her. 

She has no control over her life, so she wants to control mine and it’s so fucking frustrating. If she wanted to control my life, she would do the one thing I asked her and that was calling somebody so I can get a job but because she promised she would and then didn’t- I did it by myself. I’m doing it by myself because who else will, if not me. She doesn’t even know how to control my life. She doesn’t know shit about it and every years she gives me such a bullshit birthday present. I spent 50€ on a silver necklace and gorgeous silver earings. I literally spent all my money for her birthday meanwhile she bought me a shirt and food. I hate it. I hate it so much I wanna tear it apart. My friend bought me a notebook, a coffee mug and like a parfume that’s worth 70€. Dude, that’s a person who knows me. 

I just cannot deal with her anymore. I can’t. I don’t want to. 

And I’m just upset because I feel so alone when I shouldn’t with so many people around me pretending to love me. Pretending. So much pretending. So much fake people that wouldn’t do shit for me. I hate them. 

[morgansfave]

so sometimes i go through these phases where I'm 110% done with life

then there are times like this.

I've been with this guy for almost two months now and I can't remember the last time i was this mentally exhausted. it's like, why am i putting myself though this? he's not abusive or anything and I'll get to him again later, but a relationship shouldn't CONSTANTLY feel like just another thing you have to deal with on top of everything else. I absolutely give up on talking to any of my friends about this because it always has one of three outcomes (or two or all):

they don't care

they tell me im being dramatic

they defend him/take his side

i just don't feel like dealing with that anymore, or at least at the moment. i don't want to have my feelings invalidated anymore. I'd rather just keep it bottled up at this point. and then i start thinking, are they really my friends? or do they just feel bad for me? or am i that annoying kid who can't take a hint/they don't know how to tell me to fuck off? because they're always belittling me. It's like I'm their fucking punching bag.

because I am. because I allow myself to be.

me and my passive, nonconfrontational ways. I'd rather take constant abuse than say or do anything to defend myself.

my "friends" as i will now refer to them honestly suck. i get that relationships are important to people, but i couldn't imagine completely abandoning my friends for my boyfriend. I'd NEVER. and they'd be pissed at me if i did. but I'm supposed to be okay with them doing it? it's fucking bullshit.

back to the boyfriend thing. god where do i even start. is he a bad boyfriend...no. maybe? i don't know. it's so fucking exhausting I can't stress this enough. I don't remember exactly how we met but i think it was some stupid instagram group chat. and we became best friends and i developed feelings because I'm a dumb bitch who catches feelings too fast. but the feelings i had for him weren't gone in a week like they normally were and i knew i was in trouble. i eventually told him how i felt in September and he miraculously liked me back. since that day, I've spent every single day wondering if he does actually like me or if he just didn't want to hurt my feelings, because sometimes it feels like the latter. I'd blame it on my paranoia, but I'm not the only one who sees it this way. in the past three days we've had maybe two full conversations??? (and i get being busy, but how hard is that to communicate? it takes seconds to say "hey I'm busy can't talk" but with him its more like, an 8 hour silence with a "hi" and the occasional "i miss you" i know im overly sensitive about everything, including this situation, but I can't be the only one who gets this).

i try so hard. and i don't necessarily mean in my relationship, but life in general i guess. i try so fucking hard and it's exhausting. i try so hard to fit in. i try so hard to be a good friend. a good girlfriend. a good person. i try so hard to do well in school. i try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt. i try so hard to see the good in people.

someone once said that when you view the world through rose tinted glasses, red flags just look like flags. sure, i understood it upon first reading it, but now i understand it. I'd like to apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors from this point on (or at any point, really. I've never cared for proofreading) since im currently bawling my eyes out, but that's neither here nor there.

so my boyfriend does this specific thing a lot, I won't say what it is because it's a dumb thing to feel this upset about and i feel pathetic for crying over this, but at the same time i believe my feelings are valid, but he does this SO much and it hurts so much more than it should. i did mention my oversensitivity, earlier.

maybe I'm overreacting but when someone tells you that you're doing something that bothers them, you should actually try to fucking stop doing that thing if you care about them. within reason of course. the little things like telling cruel jokes at their expense, not asking to change something about you (physical appearance, personality, etc.). I've told this guy more times than i can count how much this thing hurts me and how much I've cried over it and it always goes the exact same "I'm sorry" and i forgive him, like a dumbass, and he does it again.

every. single. goddamn. time.

and i think, how much more of this can i tolerate? I'm so tired of talking about the same thing over and over and nothing changing. it's a waste of time.

he's also the type of guy who treats you different depending on who's there. when it's just us, it's amazing. but if even one of his friends is there, I'm almost invisible.

I'd talk to him about it but I don't see a point. it's a whole fucking cycle and im tired of being the only one left hurt and crying for days while he's having the fucking time of his life. if i didn't love him so much I'd let him go. I would've let him go a long time ago. the first time he did what i told him hurt me AGAIN. god why is everything in my life such a mess? i always tell myself to listen to my mother because when she doesn't like someone I'm involved with whether it be romantically or platonically, there's a reason. in all my years she's never been wrong ONCE. and i tell myself "maybe she's wrong about this one" and you know what? she probably will be wrong about a person one day, but it's never the person i want it to be.

she tells me a lot about this because she was in my position once. she doesn't want me to end up like her. brainwashed, naive, and pregnant before my life even started. luckily her life turns itself around, but that's rare. she doesn't want that for me and I'm so glad she's always there for me during the fallout after not listening to her.

it makes me feel bad for taking her advice for granted.

should i leave him? i have no fucking clue. do i want to? no, but if things don't change, i see no reason to stay. i can only remember very few times in my life where I've been this down and just tired. idk. rant over.