#god.... the hiatus might be a blessing in disguise

[youraverageaemondsimp]

“Thou Shalt Not Covet.” // Angel!Aemond Targaryen x Fem!Human!Reader

Summary: An angel's duty is to protect and guide humans; never to desire them, for it is a sin. Yet Aemond, the most trusted angel of God, finds himself yearning and desiring for you, a human.

WARNINGS: nsfw, mdni, smut, dubious consent(?), afab! human!fem!reader x angel!aemond, masturbation (m.) unprotected p in v sex, tiddy sucking, fingering, cunnilingus/oral (f. receiving), forbidden relationship, body worship, blasphemy(?), creampie, cumming inside breeding kink, slightly disturbing content at the end, religious themes. + NOT PROOFREAD

WC: 4.5k

A/N: so I'm officially breaking my hiatus with this piece, I know I haven't posted for over two months and I apologize for that! Exams and everything practically ate my life away! // divider creds to @cafekitsune

God's most trusted angel, Aemond Targaryen, was no ordinary angel. He was sincere, always performing his duties without fail. He was respected amongst his peers, the most obedient angel of god.

Lately there have been rumours about the curse of being God's favourite, whispers about the old tale that all knew very well started resurfacing, the tale of the fallen angel. An incident that is now used as a way to warn angels from disobeying God and trudging the path of temptation.

Must all angels that were favoured by God fall into the way of sin? It has happened before, it might happen again.

Aemond decided that he would never be like that, he wants to prove that he is nothing like the fallen angel and how being God's favourite angel is not a curse, but rather a blessing.

And he did just that. Until a day arrived when he was sent to the land below on an urgent mission.

Aemond was reluctant to descend down to the land of people but he had to on the order of God, his mission was simple, to guide humanity through the famine that was occurring along with the drought that was caused by the devil to wreak havoc amongst the villagers. Messing with God's treasured creations has always been the devil's hobby after all.

And so he disguised himself as a human, helping men, women, children alike to recover, he blessed the land with fertility so that the land could produce crops once again. It was not an easy task, he had spent many weeks on the land, learning how humans function and go about their life which was quite a contrast to angels.

He also learnt how frail the human body is, how much energy is required to perform tasks and an unfamiliar feeling of hunger which he never felt when he was an angel. Every sensation was new to him but he overcame all the difficulties in order to finish his duty.

At least, that is what he had thought…

“Ser?! Are you okay?!” A voice shrieked in shock as he blinked his eye open to see an unfamiliar face with the look of concern staring down at him. You noticed how pale his face was and how dull his features looked, his lips were dry and chapped.

You were just taking a walk through the forest in search of medicinal herbs when you encountered this man lying unconscious in the middle of the path which made you panic thinking he was dead. You sighed in relief when he opened his eye.

“What happened to me?” He asks confused and you furrow your brows, “You fainted.” You tell him and he sighs “Why? I have been eating well though.” He mutters to himself and you clear your throat, you noticed how his face showed signs of dehydration earlier so you end up asking him a question “Did you drink water?” to which he replies with a “No, why?”

You pinch the bridge of your nose in disbelief, “Water is an essential thing to survive, you fainted because of dehydration.” You explain his situation to him and he lets out an annoyed sigh, “Ugh, why are human bodies so frail and require so much material to sustain oneself?” He grumbles and you stare at him confused.

“Whatever, drink this.” You give your pouch of water and he drinks it greedily unknowingly, emptying the entire sac, he hands it back to you. Aemond tries standing up but immediately stumbles, however you catch him just in time so he doesn't fall. “It seems the dehydration was worse than we thought, my house is nearby, let me take care of you.” You offer him help and he just simply nods, “Lean onto me okay?” You instruct him and he does as you say. You lead him to your house.

It was a small house amidst the woods but not further inside, you opened the wooden door with one hand and pushed it with your foot and led both you and the man inside. You opened the door to your small bedroom and took him inside, helping him lay on the bed.

“Please rest comfortably.” You smile at him and he nods, “I will go and prepare medicinal tea so you can recover.” You inform him before getting up and reaching the exit.

“Wait!” He calls out and you turn around with a questioning look, “May I get your name?” he asks politely and you give him a small smile, “It's Y/N” You tell him and he smiles back at you, “ ‘Y/N’ such a pretty name.” He mutters to himself before looking at you, “Thank you Y/N.” He appreciates you genuinely which makes your heart flutter and you give him a nod. “What is your name?” You ask out of courtesy “Aemond.” He replies with a slight smile and your eyes widen, “Oh like the angel!” You affirm and he nods, “Like the angel, yes.”

“You have such an amazing name, that too it being after God's favourite angel.” You compliment him genuinely and he nods shyly. You take that as a cue to leave the room and prepare the tea for him.

Tying your beige apron; you quickly pull out the jar of dried hibiscus petals from the wooden shelf before taking a few of the petals and grinding them slightly, you added those grinded petals into the bot of boiling water and let it simmer for a minute before blowing off the fire and straining the liquid into a wooden cup.

You carry the hot beverage into the room only to find Aemond asleep, ‘his body must've been overly worked without any water’ you smile to yourself before placing the cup down onto the table, the slight noise startling and waking Aemond up from his slumber.

“Oh I apologise, I did not know that the noise would startle you.” You say in a slightly amused voice and he shakes his head, “It's alright.” he replies. “I bought the tea, you can drink it when it cools down.” You point at the cup on the table next to the bed and he nods, “Thank you.” He appreciates your hospitality.

You give him a small smile and he returns it, and then the room falls silent, awkward tension filling the air. You clear your throat in an attempt to break the tension before speaking up “So… I've never seen you around this area before or in the town, are you new here?” You question him.

“Mhm, I just recently got into this town after hearing the news of famine spreading here.” He answers truthfully, he had been going around the area into multiple villages and towns, solving the famine.

“Ah yes, there has been a shortage of food supplies since our land did not produce any crop this year.” You say sadly, thinking about how all the once healthy people in the town now look starved and unhealthy because of the shortage of food.

Aemond notices your sadness immediately and he grabs your hand, wanting to reassure you but the moment his skin comes in contact with yours, he feels electricity shoot up his spine that makes him retreat his hand immediately.

“Are you okay?” You ask concerned, reaching out for his hand. His breath hitches when you touch him, you examine his hand thinking something happened to it, all the while he's trying to control his breathing.

Why does his body feel hot when you touch him?

He gives you a quick nod and pulls his hand away from your grip and grabs the drink in order for the gesture to not seem rude, but luckily for him you don't dwell on it too much.

“Famines and Drought occur when the devil wants to mess with God, something he does for attention while thousands of people are affected.” Aemond grits his teeth, thinking about the reason why many humans are dying and you look at him confused, “And in these times of difficulty, many forget to pray, because all of their time is spent surviving, which further weakens the protection of the land.” He continues.

“So what do we do?” You ask confused.

“Pray, I was going to go to the centre of the village and start praying so that the rain falls tomorrow, but… I ended up like this.” He says embarrassed.

“Do you think God will really help us?” You question and he's shocked and offended by that question but he holds his composure, “He will. Have faith in him.” He tells you and you nod.

“Since you said you were new, you are free to stay in this house, besides you need to recover as well.” You offer him and his eye widens, “I can't, you've already done too much for me.” He refuses but you shake your head, “It's alright aemond, I was starting to stray from the path of God due to the recent problems, but after meeting you, I'm somehow comforted that everything will be alright, a feeling which I haven't felt since the start of the drought.” You admit honestly and he stares at you in awe.

And so you let him stay in your house.

You and Aemond have gotten undoubtedly closer, realising how you both held the same values and opinions, you helped Aemond spread the word of God and soon just like he said, the rain fell and the land began to recover.

You both were currently looking outside the window as the gentle drizzle of rain fell elegantly outside, making the lush greenery of the trees stand out and the smell of wet mud provided a deep comfort to your soul.

“You were right, Aemond.” You smiled at him and he smiled back, using his angelic powers in his human body exhausts him out, especially since the body of the human is so frail and weak, so he often has to recover in your house, but you just thought that it was because of dehydration like the first time.

You looked outside in awe, meanwhile Aemond stared at you instead, your face extremely beautiful as if you had been specially crafted by God himself, your eyes shone as brightly as the stars in the night sky and your hair that cascaded down your back like a waterfall. He couldn't stop admiring you.

He watched as your lips parted when you let out a satisfied sigh, wondering how they'd taste, would they be sweet as they look? He wanted to taste you.

His eye widened in realisation at his own behaviour and thoughts, mind spiralling down a hole knowing that he shouldn't be thinking this way, his closed his eye and took a deep breath, trying to push off all the feelings away but when he opened his eye back again, he was faced with you who looked at him ever so concerningly.

The warm feeling in his heart only growing stronger each and every moment. “Aemond? Is everything alright?” You ask and he nods, “Yeah everything is fine, it's just..” ‘I wanna kiss you.’ He wants to say it so badly, “I just feel under the weather.” He lies.

He lied.

Aemond never lied.

You find it odd but brush it off and leave the matter at that, focusing on the rain outside once again watching as the droplets trailed down the window.

Aemond feels hot on the inside, a burning sensation of itchiness that urges to be scratched, he excuses himself and goes into the bedroom, saying he needs rest, once again, a lie, he shuts the door to the room and you're left alone in the living space.

Deciding not to think much, you began cooking lunch, making soup for the hundredth time.

Aemond leans against the door, breathing heavily as his body grows hotter and hotter every moment, there's a weird sensation between his legs that makes it hard for him to focus on anything else, he looks at the bulge in his pants and touches it, wincing at the electricity that shoots through him.

It's painful.

He knows that whatever he's feeling is wrong.

But it's too painful to bear.

He closes his eyes trying to collect himself but he cannot contain himself, and so he slowly grabs the bulge giving it slight squeezes for it to stop the feeling but not enough to make it go away.

Why is the human body like this?

Why couldn't he control his desires like he did when he was in his angel form?

He slowly pushed his hand down the material of the breeches and held his cock, he grips it which makes him choke out a moan at the sensation.

It felt good.

And so he slowly starts stroking it up and down, curiously experimenting by brushing his thumb against the tip which causes him to whimper, he clasps his own mouth shut at the noise he made but doesn't stop stroking himself.

Muffled noises of soft moans fill the room as he touches himself wondering why the feeling isn't going away, he strokes himself faster which causes him to throw his head back against the door with a loud thud.

“... Aemond?” Your voice makes him stop all of his movements, “Y-yeah?” He replies, trying to sound normal, “I'm making soup, is that okay?” You inquired for his opinion and he replied a choked “Yes.”

He hears your footsteps walk away from the door and he continues to stroke himself, the memory of you calling out his name doing wonders to his imagination as he pictures you moaning his name beneath him, he rubs himself faster, grip tightening on his cock envisioning that he's fucking into your cunt instead of his own hand.

And before he can comprehend the imagery; he feels an immense amount of pleasure shoot through his entire body, making him see white and let out a loud muffled moan of your name o as he feels the wet liquid spurt out of his cock and onto his hand.

He's trembling by the time he's done, looking down at his now unclean hand, white liquid dripping down his palm, the situation of what he had done weighing heavily upon him, the feeling of dread seeping into his body- and so he lets out a soft sigh.

What has he done?

He quickly finds a cloth to wipe himself off and uses the water in the bowl beside the table to wash his hands, he sees his own reflection in the water, feeling disgusted at what he had done.

But it felt so good.

He quickly leaves the room to find you crouching down, tending to the fire as you prepare the soup on top of the heated slab. “Need help?” He asks and you flinch, looking at him with a flushed face, “Hm? O-Oh no need.” You look away quickly. He frowns wondering what happened, you stand up and reassure him that nothing has happened and push him towards the table to sit down. You slightly rub your thighs to ease the tension between them.

You couldn't focus; After all- you just overheard what he did inside the room, the muffled moans, the strokes, and when he called out your name. You heard it all.

The wooden doors aren't really good at covering noises.

A few days passed by quickly after that, the town began to see changes as the crops began sprouting quickly, and soon Aemond's mission was finally completed. Which meant he had to return to the heavens.

But he did not want to.

He actually feels guilty returning to heaven after what he did with his human body.

He was slowly putting his clothes away, ‘packing’ to leave when the door opens which reveals you. Your eyes glance over to the sack of clothes and you quickly realise what's happening.

“You're leaving.” It wasn't a question, but rather a statement which leaves your lips weighed heavily with sadness. Aemond felt something inside him crack as he looked at your solemn expression.

“I have something I want to confess before I leave.” He speaks up and your eyes glint with hope, wondering if he'll confess his feelings to you finally- “I'm an angel.”

…

…

“Aemond, now isn't the time to be joking.” You furrow your brows but he shakes his head, coming closer to you and holding your hand, “I am not, I came here on a mission to solve humanity's problems and now I have to return to the heavens.” He can't stop speaking, no matter how much the voice inside him tells him that he shouldn't be revealing his true identity to humans. “Aemond, this is not funny-”

“I'm not trying to be funny, I am not lying, here I'll prove it to you.” He lets go of your hand, and moves to the window, and your eyes widen as the sudden sunny weather darkens and rain begins to fall.

You shall not reveal your identity.

You shall not flaunt your powers.

“Is that enough for you to believe me?” He asks and you're shocked, “Are you really..?” You question and he nods. The air shifts and you realise that you're in a heavenly presence which makes you scared- “Be not afraid.” He tells you and your breath hitches in your throat.

He moves closer to you again, caressing your cheek, “I'm telling you all this because- I don't know, I don't want to leave you behind.” He admits truthfully. “But if you're an angel, then we can’t-” You try to speak, but he cuts you off, “I know.”

“Truth be told, I have no idea what it is about you that made me hold such feelings towards you, but all I know is that I want you, I desire you, I need you.” He grips your shoulders, hands digging into your flesh.

You must not seek out a human.

You must not engage in worldly pleasures.

The atmosphere is filled with silence and tension as you look down, unable to form a sentence as your thoughts feel too complicated to process and Aemond just stares at you.

‘Do it.’ he hears a voice at the back of his head.

‘You want her, so do it.’ It encourages him.

‘If you want her, you must claim her.’ It's evil.

‘But I have to return to the heavens.’

‘Will you truly be happy in heaven?’

‘I'm not sure.’

‘Without her? Will you be able to continue to live without her?’

‘I do not know..’

‘If you do not claim her, she will fall in love with another mortal man, will you be able to stand it? Watch down from the heavens with the realisation that she was never yours?’

‘But I must not, I will soil myself, I do not want to give into the worldly pleasures.’

‘Hah, you're a fool, do as you wish, just remember that once you leave, she will never be yours, she will belong to another man.’

‘Stop.’

‘-She will be touched by another man, kissed, caressed, hugged, all the things you want to do to her'

‘Stop.’ Aemond tries resisting the anger that fills him when he imagines another man touching you.

‘She will get fucked by another man, and you'll watch it happen.’

“That's enough!” Aemond screams which startles you, “Aemond?” He looks at you, and your eyes widen when you realise something in his eye has changed, his pupil resembles that of a reptile. “What's wrong—” You're cut off from your words as he presses his lips against you, electricity courses through your body when you feel his soft lips against yours.

His lips move messily against yours, and he tastes just like honey, you try to resist wanting to tell him that this is wrong, and rationalise that he'll be cast out from heaven if he engages in intimacy with you but you aren't able to form coherent words because of the way he's constantly cutting you off with messy kisses.

“I want you, I need you, I can't let you be with any other man other than me.”

You're conflicted on whether you should encourage this but you remain silent, and aemond takes your silence as an agreement, he slowly slides off his robes and fully shows himself naked in front of you.

He's working on your clothes next, pulling them off you in swift motions before you're left standing bare just like him, he cups your cheek and tilts your face towards him, “Aemond… you'll be punished.” Your voice is laced with concern. “Look at you.. Always concerned for me, it doesn't matter anymore, I've made up my mind.” He pushes you towards the bed and onto it before climbing on top of you.

He places the soft pillow below your head for comfort before he trails soft kisses on your face, down to your neck, breasts and stomach.

“Beautiful, my beautiful lady.” He mutters against your skin, pecking and pulling it between his teeth. “Your body is so beautiful, your frame, everything about it is so beautiful.” He praises peppering kisses being placed on your breasts. He watches in awe as your nipples harden and poke up, and so he wets his lips before opening them and taking your nipple into his mouth, sighing softly in satisfaction.

His tongue swirls around your nipple, playing with the bud and flicking it up and down, the suckling noises that leave his mouth are sinful that makes you wet down there, you grind up against him to feel at ease.

The room begins to get hot and your small gasps and whines fill the air, accompanied by his grunts of satisfaction, that he finally got to touch you like this. He leaves your breast with a pop before focusing his attention onto the other one. “Aemond…” You wail and he looks at you, “... need you down here.” Those words leave your mouth unexpectedly as you rub your clit and he immediately listens to you letting go of your breast.

He travels down until he's directly faced with your cunt, he watches in amusement as your essence drips out of your hold which he licks up and brings up to your clit and suckles on it. “Hggnh!” You arch your back in pleasure as you feel tingles all over your body, your cunt pulsing around nothing when you feel his tongue play with your clit.

He nibbles on your clit, his teeth slightly poking it which makes slight pain shoot up your body. His tongue moves up and down, from your hole to your clit, he sucks on the flaps of your cunt harshly that causes you to whimper.

You feel his finger prodding at your opening before he slowly pushed it inside, “Fuck Aemond!” You let out a whine when you felt how his finger was stretching you out whilst his tongue worked magic on your clit.

He slowly pumped his finger in and out, letting you adjust to it before pushing another one inside which made you shriek but he hushed you with a kiss to your clit, and soon enough- the slow licking of your bud and the pumping of his fingers made you reach your peak. You clenched your eyes shut at the impact of your orgasm; feeling as if your whole body was set on fire, you saw plain white as your whole body quivered because of him.

He pulls his face away and draws back his finger only for him to put his fingers in his mouth, loving the way you tasted. He climbed upward until he was face to face with you and kissed you, making you taste your essence.

“So beautiful.” He says softly as he sees your dazed expression and messy hair, the way your lips are parted slightly as you take deep breaths.

He couldn't contain himself anymore.

He wasted no time in lining himself against your entrance and slowly pushing inside, you gasped when you felt how big he was, but you didn't stop him but instead held onto his shoulder as he pushed it inside inch by inch.

His hair cascaded around his face, making him look angelic, he closed his eye; gasping for air when he felt you clench around him. The way your walls were wrapped around him drove him insane; he couldn't hold back any longer as something in him cracked, his pace was messy and fast, almost desperate as if he was waiting his entire lifetime for this.

The sound of thrusts echo in the room as he speeds up, your back arches in pleasure when you feel him hit a certain spot inside you, his hands grip your waist as a leverage as he constantly thrusts deep and deeper inside you.

He feels like he is in heaven again, the feeling of you finally being his and how you're squirming underneath him, moaning his name, not anyone else's.

“You feel so good.” He grunts, “so fucking good— my love.” he places a kiss on your breast, before looking at you once again, your eyes staring directly at him. The sight of you beneath him, legs wrapped around his waist as you try to grind into him, indicating that you want him too makes him go feral.

His thrusts soon become sloppy, he knows he's gonna finish in mere moments, so he angles his thrusts upwards— hitting your sweet spot multiple times— making you see stars when you peak.

He's almost blinded when he feels his orgasm hit him, the intensity of the sensation being way too much to handle, he lets out a loud moan as he slowly rides out his orgasm all the while pumping you full of his seed.

He pulls out moments later and lays down beside you, trying to catch his breath, and you pull him closer for a hug.

Everything goes quiet for a few moments as you both try to recover.

Only for the silence to be broken by Aemond agonising screams.

“Aemond?” You panic not knowing what's happening.

Aemond feels as though his entire body was on fire, and then the flesh on his back distorts as his white angel wings spring out of it, you stand there in awe when you look at them, they're white feathers, but soon that emotion of amusement is replaced by pure horror when you see it be forcefully get ripped apart from his back by an invisible force of nature.

You scream in terror, while Aemond tries to bear the pain, he knew this would happen sooner or later, but he couldn't help but scream as the pain of having his wings ripped apart and pulled from his back is agonising.

Maybe the curse of being God's favourite was real.

And what Aemond is facing right now is God's punishment for trudging the path of temptation.

“Please- it hurts.” Aemond croaks in agony.

You feel helpless, not being able to do anything except watch, you just cradle his face, his hand grips onto yours tightly.

And soon it's done.

You could only watch as tears dripped down from his eye.

His once beautiful angel wings were ripped apart, the feathers all over the room and the only thing that remained of it were the scars of the wound on his back.

The scar that indicates the two wings were pulled out.

An angel without wings.

A fallen angel.

— !  ݈݇- thank you so much for reading! i hope you enjoyed it <3 comments and reblogs are appreciated greatly ♡

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[pemprika]

hnk 95 spoilers

the developments in hnk 95 effortlessly flipped my whole brain upside down.... i’m genuinely shocked and confused overall, and extremely devastated on behalf of phos like jfc... the events were not at all what i had expected, but nevertheless, ichikawa has managed to keep the story unpredictable as ever and still remains to be incredibly interesting to me! i have more questions than possible solutions/answers like everyone else here, but i wanted to voice out what went zooming thru my head as i was reading the entire chapter

phos spending 10,000 years in pure solitude, isolation, and loneliness, on top of not understanding the whole picture of what is happening to them...is insane. i honestly can’t imagine how phos must feeling ;; after realizing that they had been betrayed by aechmea and instigating a violent massacre against their gem family, i can assume phos is undergoing a lot of regret and guilt, and feeling hopeless TT MAN. this is so much worse than death... thank you ichikawa for never failing to top phos’ suffering as each chapter goes on!

it seems like phos is well on their way to becoming the next adamant. during this long period of 10,000 years, as adamant’s divine powers continue to transfer over to phos, there is a very big possibility that new gems will be born. if they will, then phos could follow a similar path as sensei and coexist with or lead new gems within their society. just interesting to think about. i assume phos may mellow out somberly during this long time period, and we will def see some kind of time skip again soon.

i’m also VERY curious about new development with the gems turning into lunarians. like how wild was that? really didn’t see that one coming, and i was already mentally prepared to end the story with the gems never making a reappearance, but of course, ichikawa said wait. let’s make phos suffer in extremity! but i think it makes sense to have the gems go this route... makes me wonder that this will be how they will be prayed away in the end? ^_T i’m mostly anxious to know how much of the gem-lunarians have changed in terms of persaonlities and what their thoughts are on phos being situated back on earth, alone, for that long of a time span. will they keep their mindsets or will they change significantly to mimic the lunarians? i personally see the gems being complacent about these new changes, observed in the way they based their decision on euclase’s answer (finding comfort in following a leader figure). this is their opportunity of peace and since gems were never taught to empathize properly, i’m not sure if they would put a lot of perspective in phos’ situation. plus, the way phos had become warped and judging how they had misinterpreted phos’ past behavior may offset their perception

i am sincerely wondering if we’ll get a glimpse of the gems’ perspectives at all... i think shinsha has the most potential to understand phos’ isolation and loneliness, but i’m not sure if they’ll even manage to voice an opinion if they were able to anyway. also, the way antarc came back shook me to my core... antarc waking up on the moon and being confused as hell as we all are like damn you’re living like this i’m sorry ^_T and the parallelism with cairngorm/aechmea and antarc/adamant was so good too... anyway, my brain’s barely functioning now. we have a hiatus until further notice and i hope we’ll get to know what ichikawa is planning for the ending soon... i need my phos closure now TT

[lifewithmarah]

When God Breaks Your Heart

I don’t know where to begin.

That’s the worst thing about depression, you don’t know where exactly it’s coming from.

If I would do a quick backtrack of my life, all I could remember was two years ago I came back to New Zealand from a trip to the Philippines with a broken soul, I was able to bounce back a year later, then I have experienced death for the first time in my life last December and every aspect of my life started to go downhill from there.

But I still am clueless of what the exact root of this all, and if there is one.

I just know one morning I woke up I didn’t want to live anymore.

Yes, I had suicidal thoughts but I am not suicidal. I never entertained them and never did I try to kill myself. I just wanted to disappear. And there’s a fine line between ‘I want to kill myself’ and ‘I want to die’. And I was somewhere in between, but more on the latter. At first, I thought it was just my hormones acting up. But melancholy stayed in my heart for months, and I knew this wasn’t just another PMS. This was something more.

I was lost. I felt nothing, but pure sadness. I isolated myself from everyone. I felt alone. I was confused about many things. I had a lot of questions in mind. There’s emptiness in me that is always waiting to be filled. I struggled with self-doubt. I felt I wasn’t enough, and the world wouldn’t give a care when I’m gone. I was a mess. Hence the blog hiatus, weight gain and walls I built from people. I don’t think everyone realises that depression is as real as cancer. It’s a silent killer, and you have no control. It will conquer every fibre of your being--bit by bit--until there’s nothing left on you.

I am a big advocate of life, and falling out of love from it was a tragedy. I have always believed that my life-purpose was to inspire people to live a life they will remember, yet there I was, doing the exact opposite. And waking up every day with no purpose in mind was truly heart breaking. I tried to seek for answers, until I got tired on my own search. 

I lost the life in me. I lost myself.

I was known for my brightest smile and positive soul. If I told you I have depression before, you probably have laughed at me. But that’s the thing with depression, it has many faces. We see people smiling, but we have no idea how much they’re dying inside. Depression doesn’t choose too. It’ll hit you even you feel like you’re on top of the world, but you just can’t explain to people that you’re acting the way you do; because you have mental illness. We all know how judgmental our society is.

I didn’t open up to anyone, because I was afraid to be judged. I tried to fight it on silence, until things become too overwhelming to bear. That’s when I decided to open up to my then boyfriend. I told him everything. Everything. He was the only person who knew what I was going through. He was patient and kind. He tried to cheer me up on days I felt really down. But when you have depression, it’s hard to recognise help. You’re helpless. And how could you allow someone to help you, when you can’t even help yourself? Afraid that I might be a burden to him, I decided to let him go to save him from further troubles and fix myself.

And so we broke up, but in good terms. It was too good that we still say I love you to each other after we ended things and he said he was willing to wait for me. Just when I thought he understood my pain, he did things after the break up that I never thought he was capable of doing. Things that really broke my heart into pieces. One betrayal after the other. Hurtful words were thrown to each other. Pointing fingers on who’s to blame. And this all happened at the height of my depression. I am aware that I have said things that hurt him, and we both messed up on trying to fix things. We tried our best to save our friendship, but after allowing him to be my friend again, he did something that deeply pained and angered not only me, but also our friends and ultimately, my family. And up to this day, I don’t think he realises the impact of his actions in our lives. That one person I thought who understood the most my struggle with self-love, made me question my worth over and over again. I swear, I’ll do everything in my power to save my sister, my friends and even my future daughter from that pain.

But here’s the plot twist: amidst of the brokenness, I was freed from depression. While everyone was expecting me to hit rock bottom, I found strength to pick myself up. A part of me died, but a part of me was also restored. I didn’t know where that strength came from. It must be grace acting on my behalf; for everything becomes possible because of grace. I woke up one morning with a will to live and to better myself. Who would’ve thought that I would find life again through heartbreak? After nights of asking God why He allowed that heartbreak to happen, I realised that I am actually in the middle of His will. It was meant to happen. It was all planned. And I accepted that it needed to happen, so finally, I could find myself again. So I could see Him in my life again.

It was a blessing in disguise.

Yes, I am still hurting from that failed relationship; but I have found comfort knowing that God has better plans for my life. He always does. I don’t know what the future holds, but my doors are open to the infinite possibilities this life could offer. I am just allowing Him to surprise me every day. I just know that wherever He’s taking me, I am heading on a right direction.

Sometimes God has to break our hearts, not to punish us, but to make us see things more clearly. To realise that some good things need to fall apart, so that better things can fall together. He shakes us from underneath our feet and takes us out of our comfort zone in order to grow. To be the person He has destined us to be. After all, most valuable life lessons are learned through pain. And honestly, If it weren’t for this particular heartbreak, I’d probably not realise my capacity to love and ability to bounce back after being struck down. Everything--whether good or bad--happens for a right reason.

And to the boy who breaks my heart, it will take a lot of time for us to heal; but I am a firm believer that time heals all wounds. In God’s perfect time, maybe I’ll greet you with a smile again. To be fair, I know you’re hurt too and I could see the fears in your eyes. But for what is worth, I am sorry. Despite everything that happened, I still want to believe that there’s goodness in you. I pray that you also find God in your life--this time, a real kind of relationship with Him. I really do hope you find Him.

And to everyone whose partner is going through depression, please love them unconditionally. I know it can be challenging, frustrating and tiring. But please love them more, especially in times they push you away. I swear, they don’t mean it. But love them most, when they are at their worst. When they are most difficult to love. Never ever give up on them. Pray for them. Unconditional love trumps everything, even any illness--whether it’s physical or mental. Unconditional love wins. It always does! 

And you, yes you, I don’t think you have to go through a break up to free yourself from depression. The journey can be dark, cruel and long. Words and hugs may not suffice to comfort your troubled soul, but I hope you find comfort knowing that there is God. Sometimes, He’s just waiting for you to call Him. Trust me, He knows what He’s doing. Let Him fill the emptiness in your heart. Let Him takeover. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And never ever lose sight of the fact that you are loved. Always.

If I made it on the other side--alive--you would too. Isn’t it exciting that one day you would also share your story of how you overcome depression or whatever adversity you’re facing right now? And this story of yours will inspire others to keep going and believe that life is always beautiful regardless of its flaws. You never know, your story could save a life too! 

So please know: you are a living story, never give up. 

LET’S LIVE A LIFE WE WILL REMEMBER!

Love, Marah

[generalgemini-booknerd]

Growth Opportunities: Chapter Five

A/N: Let this be a lesson to all of you: be complementary to a writer and her work, and you might get a new chapter!

if you need a refresher, chapter 4 is here: http://generalgemini-booknerd.tumblr.com/post/159939212239/growth-opportunities-chapter-four

***************************************************************************************************

“Honor! Hold up a sec, will you?”

           So much for a quick getaway, she thought to herself. After the meeting had let out, Honor wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of there. Grimacing to herself, she paused mid-stride and slid her headphones down the back of her head, letting the thrumming base line of The Black Keys vibrate gently against her neck. She didn’t know if Professor Evans knew she’d had her music on or not, but she guessed he didn’t really care. If she’d feigned ignorance and tried to act like she hadn’t heard him, he would have stopped her another way. God forbid. A frisson of something hot and electric streaked up her spine at the thought.

           Finishing up his conversation with a laugh and a wave, Professor Evans sauntered over to where she stood. Without breaking his stride, he motioned for Honor to follow him, stating, “We’ve got some housekeeping to handle. Let’s head up to my office, shall we?”

           With that he set off at a brisk pace, heading for the stairs. His tone brooked no arguments, and Honor was forced to scramble after him. Of course, because it was just the way her life went, Professor Evans appeared to be in excellent shape and mounted the stairs as if he was bouncing on the fluffiest of clouds. Honor, burdened by her too heavy backpack, was out of breath after the first floor. Refusing to let Professor Evans see her sweat literally or figuratively, she grabbed the handrail for ballast and charged forward. By the time she reached the fourth floor, Honor felt like she had just reached the finish line of a 5k. Worse, Professor Evans was already halfway down the hall, unlocking his office door.  

           Grimacing, Honor reached into the side pocket of her backpack, pulling out her water bottle. Taking a healthy swig, she attempted to delay the inevitable: facing the fact that she was actually working for him. The “”I’m-cooler-than-you, and smart, interesting AND gorgeous” Professor Evans. Too bad he was also a jerk. And took advantage of his position of authority. As she stopped at a nearby water fountain to refill the now-empty bottle, she tried to give herself a pep talk. “Suck it up, buttercup. You took the job, being miserable is only going to make it worse.”  She had almost gotten herself together, prepared to be amiable, when she turned to face him. He stood in the open doorway of his office and gestured for Honor to precede him with that smirk on his face. Her fledgling goodwill vanished as she muttered, “Got something against elevators?”

           “I do, actually. Claustrophobic. Feel free to take the elevator and meet me next time.” He said it easily though, conspiratorially, as if he were trusting her with one of his biggest secrets. Honor immediately felt like an asshole, and an out of shape asshole at that. She ran around after small children for the better part of everyday. Shouldn’t she be in better shape than this? With a sigh she plunked down into one of the chairs across from his desk. Reaching into her backpack, she withdrew a notebook and rooted around for a pen.

           “Relax, Honor. I’m not testing you. You don’t need to take notes.”

           Honor threw a withering glance in his direction, but put the notebook back in her bag. She didn’t want to tell him she felt naked and ill at ease without them. She needed something, anything to do with her hands. Feeling his eyes on her, she finally settled for crossing her arms. It was better than sitting on her hands like a five year old, and at this point, she honestly didn’t care if her pose made her look like a defiant teenager in the principle’s office.

           “So,” he began, “I just wanted to get together today to go over some expectations I have of you as my TA, and what you might expect of me. I also wanted to go over scheduling, it said on your TA application that you had excellent time management capabilities, but that you needed flexibility. I need a clearer picture. As a rule, we understand that we need to work around TA’s class schedules, do you mean above and beyond that?”

           Honor took a deep breath before she began. Straightening in her seat, she replied evenly, “Yes, Professor Evans, I do mean above and beyond my school schedule-”

He interrupted. “Call me Chris, please. I’m not your professor anymore. Go on,” he encouraged.

Honor sighed. Call me Chris. There he was walking that line between nice guy and annoying asshole. It made it hard to get a read on who he really was.

“As I was saying, I have another job besides this job. I’m absolutely willing to work, but if possible, I’m hoping, depending on the work you want me to do, that I be able to-if for instance I were grading test for you-possibly bring it home with me, or early mornings would work too? Afternoons and nights are difficult for me because that’s usually when I work.”

           Chris paused as if digesting this news, one hand scratching his jaw. Honor could hear the rasping of his beard from where she sat. After several moments pause he replied, “Where did you say you work?” His voice sounded odd, tight and several notches higher than it usually did.

           Honor shifted in her chair. This part was always awkward. “Um. I didn’t. I work at Wee One’s daycare? My technical title is ‘Childcare technician’ but most people just call us babysitters. I work the after-school and nightshift, you know, for parents that work from like, three to eleven pm?”

           Chris leaned back in his chair, expelling a huff of laughter that rattled the papers on his desk. “A daycare worker! That’s what you do! Of course!” He shook his head as he continued to chuckle.

           Honor cocked her head, gazing at him curiously. “What did you think I did?”

           Chris stopped laughing suddenly, and sat upright again, as though chastened. “Um, nothing. I just, you know..you said you worked afternoons and nights, and I just sort of assumed…” He made a vague notion with his hands.

           Horror-struck, Honor finally realized what he was trying to say. “You thought I was a stripper! Are you kidding me? Do you know who my family is? My father? Never mind that I hardly have the body to work a pole. Oh, sweet ever-loving Christ on a bike!”

           Chris held up his hands in mock surrender. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I should never have said anything. By the way, they prefer to be called erotic dancers. Or so I’m told.”

           Honor glared balefully at him. “Don’t you think, if I were a “erotic dancer” or whatever they like to be called, bless them, that you would have heard about it by now?” She was referring, of course to her father. Honor did her best to stay far away from his limelight, but unfortunately it was far-reaching. If she did anything too “public” it was known. And discussed. And if in anyway negative, resulted in a call from her very disappointed Mama, who no doubt had gotten an earful from the big man himself. “God forbid he actually pick up the phone and call me himself,” she thought.

           Chris shrugged dismissively. “I don’t know. Wigs, makeup, costumes, all that can do a lot to disguise your identity. And it’s been my experience that no one really pays attention to faces in places like that.”

           Honor arched an eyebrow at him and shot back, “And you know this how, exactly?”

           He cleared his throat and at least had the decency to look a little bit bashful. “Let’s move on shall we? I’m not a huge stickler about time, as long as your work is done and done well. We can adjust your schedule accordingly, and I’m sure I’ll have work you can bring home throughout the semester. Depending on how your class schedule works out, I would like at least one day that you are here in office during the day. Do you know your class schedule yet?”

           Honor nodded, digging in her bag. Pulling out her planner, she flipped to January, where she had already written out her class schedule on the calendar. After a moment’s consultation, she announced, “Wednesdays are my only day that is almost totally open. I have class from 8 to 10 a.m., and then I’m free after that. I have half days available on Mondays and Fridays, but I have to keep one of those open each week for my front office shift, right?”

           He nodded in the affirmative. “This is a good start though. Like I said, I have no problems with the scheduling thing, just as long as I know from week to week what you have planned for hours. I expect, however,” he paused meaningfully, “that you don’t take advantage of my leniency. I have high standards for my TA’s in regards to the work you do. You are an extension of me, and I work hard to be a dependable professor. I test when I say I’m going to, and hand back papers when I say I will, which can be difficult at times, given the class selections that I’m teaching. So, any questions?” He reached forward grabbing a pen, and opening a desk drawer.

           Honor took this to mean that the meeting was over. She shook her head, bending to put her planner back in her bag. As she stood to leave, she heard Chris clear his throat. Taking that as her cue, she turned back to face him expectantly.

           Sliding a small piece of paper across the plane of his desk, he stood up, as if to walk her to the door. A feeling of deja vu washed over her as she remembered the last time this happened.

           “So, got any big plans for the winter break?”

           Honor shot him a quizzical look.  She shifted awkwardly as she mumbled, “Um, no. Just working. You?”

           He shrugged. “No rest for the wicked. I’m teaching a course during the winter hiatus, so I just have the week of Christmas and New Year’s off.” He paused, as if considering his next words carefully. “Hey, I don’t suppose you’d be interested in starting work early? I could use the help, and I could pay you myself?”

           Honor didn’t know how to respond. She was sure that she could probably make more working at the daycare center, and probably enjoy it more too. On the other hand, if he was willing to work with her schedule like he said, the extra money could come in handy. Finally she just shrugged and asked, “Let me think about it?”

           Chris nodded. Picking up the paper from his desk, he handed it to her. “My cell phone number. If you change your mind, or if you decide you need me for anything. Anything at all.” He winked at her. And just like that another zing of something unknown and unwelcome rocketed through her body.

           She nodded, at a loss for words. She was halfway out the door when she snapped out of her haze long enough to practically shout, “Wait! You don’t have my number!” As she streaked back into his office and scrabbled for a pen, she was only vaguely aware of Chris laughing at her.

           Reaching out, he closed his hand over hers and squeezed gently, replying, “Honor, I’ve already got yours. It was on your application, remember?”

           Honor felt like smacking herself. “Right,” she replied stupidly. “Right. I’ll um, see you later then I guess.” She pulled her hand away from his and turned on her heel, practically running out of his office before she could make any more a fool of herself.

           As she walked home she mulled the events of the day, and everything she had heard at the meeting, as well as the events in her office. She had stupidly let her guard down for a moment. It had almost been nice talking to him, like something she could enjoy. But what if what Maggie had said was true? What if under all that niceness was just another lecherous professor? If there was anything Honor took as fact in this world was that the biggest jerks in the world could also come across as the nicest guys to get what they wanted. So who was to be believed, and what was the truth? And the biggest question of all, why did any of it matter so much to Honor?