#god. nothing feels more satisfying than finding the EXACT level you remember playing back then

[skeletalheartattack]

[magicalforcesau]

Dancing With Ghosts in Your Garden~ Chapter 10- Year 1: May

(ao3 link)

“Professor?” Anakin tentatively pushed the door open, he’d been in Professor Palaptine’s office a handful of times this year, but it was still a little unsettling to see jars of eyes and toes dotted around the room.

“Anakin, my child,” Palaptine smiled turning from where he was browsing the spines of old texts in the corner of the room, “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Well,” Suddenly he wondered if this had been a good idea after all, but his professor was still smiling at him, waiting for an answer so Anakin just walked further into the room letting the door fall behind him, “I guess I wanted to say thanks, for saving me from Win- the kidnapper,” He figured it was always best to start with a heavy dose of flattery, “I bet you could have won,” Palpatine sat down behind his desk gingerly, likely he was still feeling a twinge or two of pain.

“I believe you’ve already thanked me, my boy,” He smiled and waved towards the ornate chair across from him. Anakin scrambled to do as he was asked and he was rewarded with a soft chuckle, “I appreciate such kind words, but you should never underestimate your adversaries,” He seemed to speak from experience, but it was hard for Anakin to imagine such a sweet professor ever having too many opponents, “Now, I believe you’ve really come for another map,” Anakin’s eyes widened and he leaned forwards on his chair.

“How did you know?” He gasped and then rather excitedly continued, “Do you have another?”

“I’m afraid not,”Anakin felt himself frown, perhaps he’d permanently lost the most important item he’d ever been given, besides his wand of course.

“Great, and I doubt the Headmaster’s keen on returning it,” Anakin grumbled.

“Never fear,” Palpatine just reached towards the drawer on his desk, “There’s no real loss, perhaps combining our efforts, we can make a new one,” Anakin leaned forward curiously as Palpatine spread out a piece of parchment on his desk. It was blank which was disappointing, but Palpatine just pulled his wand out and tapped gently in the center.

“If you know how to make them, why not make more,” Anakin looked up curiously, “You could sell them and make money,” Palpatine only smiled and shook his head.

“It’s dangerous for everyone to have such knowledge of the castle,” He explained, “Plus, nothing truly comes without cost, you must learn this,” And Palpatine tapped his wand to the side of his head pulling out a strand of silver, a memory or a thought perhaps and dropped it onto the page, it seemed to dissolve into the very paper and it formed shimmery silver lines for the castle walls.

“Woah!” Anakin picked it up and turned it every which way, “It’s an exact match, besides the color! But, where’s the people? We should be there,” He set the map back down and pointed at Palpatine’s office.

“As I said, my boy,” Palpatine just smoothed the map back out and smiled at the boy, “Nothing comes without a little sacrifice. I sacrificed a memory of walking through the castle halls,” Anakin frowned, he didn’t know he was asking his professor to give something like a memory up for him and then it dawned on him what likely Palpatine was insinuating.

“I have to give up a memory?” Anakin hesitated, “What if it’s something I want to remember?” It would likely have to be from his year at Hogwarts since the map was inherently part of the school, and despite the transgressions that befell him, he didn’t exactly want to forget anything.

“Correct, you’re a very bright boy,” Palpatine nodded towards the paper, “Don’t fret, it’s easiest to pick a simple memory, something you needn’t miss. Something unmemorable will do as long as it holds impressions of your fellow students and professors,” Anakin considered his options. His first thought was a Quidditch match, but he quite liked those and didn’t really want to forget about them, but one of his classes seemed too small.

“What about a dinner in the great hall,” Anakin asked and Palpatine nodded.

“That would be a wonderful choice Anakin,” He picked up his wand and Anakin did the same, “Just think about the memory you chose very hard and channel its energy towards the tip of your wand,” Anakin moved to copy Palpatine’s pose, “And say, memoria recepta!”

“Memoria Recepta!” Anakin called, slowly he drew his wand away from his head, a silver string following his movement. It was an odd feeling to remove a memory, it reminded him of peeling the glue off his fingers in school only to feel such a thing in the mind was entirely different. He admired it in the air, following his wand like a magnet, it was beautiful as he felt a person's memories should be.

Finally, he let it fall from the tip of his wand. It hit the parchment and feathered out. As the silver thought dissolved impressions of people began to pop up around the map. He looked and sure enough he and Palpatine had appeared in the office just as they should.

“Excellent, my child!” Palpatine praised him, he tapped his wand to the map, “Mischief Managed,” It faded back just as the original had, “Now see to it that you don’t lose it again, I may have plenty of memories to spare at my age, but you don’t have quite as many,” Anakin laughed gleefully, taking the parchment from Palpatine’s outstretched hand.

“Don’t worry I’d really rather not lose this again!”

***

Cody burst through the Great Hall doors with the glowing enthusiasm that only held one true reasoning. Usually, his two best friends were quick on the uptake to his excitement, but when he shoved himself between Breha and Bail to position himself across from them, neither seemed to even notice.

“Good morning, Cody.” Despite her greeting, Satine had the disposition that it was anything but good. 

Deciding to lean towards the air of cheerfulness, Cody beamed, “That, it is, Satine. That it is.”

“What’s got you so peppy?” Kenobi yawned, though regardless of the bags under his eyes and the slouch in his posture, Cody could tell he was at least trying to take the bait.

“Isn’t it obvious?” He pointed at the jersey he donned every post-Quidditch Sunday. 

Both sets of blue eyes scrutinized him and then the jersey a couple of times before Satine’s eyes widened suddenly and Kenobi dropped his fork, “Oh no.”

Now, it was Cody’s turn to be shocked, “Don’t tell me you missed it?”

Seriously, leave it to him to find the two people in all of Hogwarts that didn’t care much for Quidditch. Had he turned to any other student in the castle, he’d receive the shared hype that he so passionately felt.

“We were up studying all night!” Kenobi hastily explained, “Truthfully, I don’t even think we left the library until Qui-Gon quite literally sought us out and sent us to bed.”

“We’ve really gotten behind with the pending investigations and increased patrols.” She added, “I’m not even sure how we missed it.”

“Me neither.” Kenobi sagged a bit and fixed him with a sullen stare, “I’m sorry, mate.”

“I feel awful.” Satine rubbed her tired eyes and then frowned, “Some friends we are.”

Cody frowned and tilted his head at the two before it dawned on him and he barked out a laugh, “You know it was Slytherin vs. Hufflepuff, right?”

Just as they had before, the two prefects had to double-take for a second; this time taking in the vibrancy of the entire great hall before slouching forward in shared relief.

“Oh, thank God.” Satine breathed and then flared at Cody, “Why, pray tell, didn’t you start with that? I thought we missed a match that matter-“

She winced as she finally caught Breha and Bail’s sharp stares.

“Mattered to Gryffindor.” She quickly amended and avoided their gazes as she turned back to Cody, “Who won?

“First of all, all Quidditch matters to Gryffindor. Because had Slytherin not pulled back in a surprise upset, they’d be a laughing stock.”

Breha, who was easily Hufflepuff’s one and only star player, grunted something under her breath about cheating Slytherin and Cody gave her a sympathetic look.

“Hey, don’t think I missed that killer head block you made. Not sure how that didn’t knock your lights out completely, but if not for you it would have been a bloodbath.”

That seemed to placate the Hufflepuff even if only slightly and she played with her French toast on her plate, “Honestly, knowing Ventress, that was probably her intent.”

“Slytherin is playing meaner than usual this year.” Kenobi agreed and Satine seemed to stiffen at that.

“Which will make their defeat for the cup all the sweeter.” Cody clenched his fist triumphantly, “Now that we’ve got Anakin back, there’s no stopping us against you nerds.”

Kenobi nodded,”I’m sure Anakin will appreciate the distraction from recent events.”

“And you two will too!” He encouraged and stuffed some eggs into his mouth, “Which is why I’m going to break down the entire match for you. Play by play.”

“I think I’ll sit this one out.” Breha said as she pushed to her feet, “As much as I’d love to relive such an upset, I have patrol. There’s always next year, I suppose.”

Bail smiled and nodded at them before dutifully following his girlfriend.

“It’s amazing we have other friends.” Satine commented with a smirk, “We are quite insufferable.”

Cody shrugged, “If they can’t take the heat, they better stay out of the kitchen. Anyway, let’s first start with how lop-sided Hufflepuff’s lineup is…”

***

The Ravenclaw table was louder than usual and Satine tried to turn away from them so she could continue reading out of the massive tome she’d dragged down from the library. So much of the year was being spent on misadventures and uncovering crime and she felt that if she wasted even a single moment outside of school work or prefect business, she was going to fall behind in her studies. O.W.L.s were just a month away and she was determined to pass with the highest grades possible. She may not be competitive on a level that Cody was, but there was always something so satisfying about seeing how she measured up at the end of the year.

“Satine!” Aayla Secura sat down with a thump in Ben’s usual spot, which did give her enough of an excuse to let her eyes stray from the text if only for a moment, “Come on, it’s a Quidditch day! You can study after the game,” She gave a half hearted attempt to tug the book away from her, but it was weighty enough that it hardly budged.

“Oh right,” Satine gazed around the room, noticing the Ravenclaw team wearing their Quidditch jumpers discussing tactics in whispers and the Gryffindor team egging on the Fett twins as they tried to see how many pieces of bacon they could fit in their mouths at once.

“Don’t tell me you forgot, Kenobi’s been glum all week,” She joked as she pointed to where he stuck out like a sore thumb, one spec of blue in the sea of Gryffindor red. Aayla frowned, “He better be over there gathering intel and not spilling our secrets.”

“I really doubt he’s over there for either,” Stass squeezed in between Aayla and Satine. She scrunched her nose up at the book in front of her, “What even is this? Is this written in Latin?”

“No,” Satine rolled her eyes, “It’s just old,” She turned to look at Ben, he was sitting a few seats away from Anakin, likely not trying to crowd him, but he definitely looked concerned. She wanted to chalk it up to the fact that Anakin had only recently been let out of counseling, but as if he could feel her eyes on him, he looked at her with a sort of concerned, questioning look.

“Oooh! He caught you staring!” Aayla cackled.

“He’s coming over,” Stass stood, pulling Aayla up with her, “Guess we’ll leave you two, alone.”

“No need for your dramatics,” Satine rolled her eyes and didn’t mention that she often felt like they were alone when they locked eyes.

Satine stood and met him halfway between the house tables, before turning and walking with him out of the great hall. If something was bothering him this severely, she’d rather like to speak to him without the audience of the entire student body. Though in the hallway was a similarly concerned looking Qui-Gon Jinn and Satine pulled gently on Ben’s arm to slow him to a stop.

“I’m missing something here, what is it?” She looked between the two of them.

“Well, Anakin could be in danger,” Ben pointed out.

“Is in constant danger,” Qui-Gon amended.

“You don’t think the suspect would be brave enough to try something at the match, do you?” Satine caught on quickly, “They’d be outed rather quickly.”

“He likely didn’t think that his kidnapping plot would be uncovered,” Ben countered, “I’m worried he’ll be desperate enough to try.”

“So what do you need me to do?” Satine asked, “I assume Qui-Gon will be watching Professor Windu from close quarters?” Qui-Gon nodded, but didn’t get a chance to speak on the matter.

“If you helped Qui-Gon keep an eye on things I’d really appreciate it,” Ben looked at her with grateful eyes and she had to nod to break through the trance they put her under.

“Of course, as long as you pay enough attention to not fall out of the sky again,” She chastised and he looked offended, but Qui-Gon laughed.

“Well my students,” He pushed them gently moving their little group outside, “I suppose Satine and I should go select our good vantage points.”

***

Obi-Wan was already pushing his way past his teammates the moment he saw Anakin peer into their locker room with nervous eyes. Even if he hadn’t almost expected something like this, he was getting used to spotting Anakin’s messy hair from halfway across the school.

“We’re still having a meeting here!” Was called after him, but frankly he couldn’t bring himself to care about such trivial matters like Quidditch. If Cody was going to steamroll them, then it would happen, as it had many times before.

“Anakin, what is it?” He whispered frantically the moment he was out from under the soundproof charm, “Did something happen?”

“You don’t have to treat me like a child!” Anakin complained, though it was hard not to when Anakin was yet to be close to any sort of growth spurt, “I just. What happens if he tries to attack me? He could enchant my broom like Krell did to you, or get a bludger to follow me around, or do that chain magic and drag me off my broom-” Obi-Wan put both his hands up.

“Anakin, calm down,” Though it was hypocritical given how Obi-Wan hadn’t stopped having the same concerns the whole morning, “We’ve got Satine and Qui-Gon in the stands keeping an eye out, if Windu so much as moves Qui-Gon will be there. As for the field, I’ll be up there and if I see something go wrong… well, you’re more important to me than the match, alright?” Anakin nodded, but still didn’t look very convinced, still Obi-Wan started to walk him back to the Gryffindor locker room.

“I don’t even want to play,” It was said so quietly Obi-Wan was sure it wasn’t meant for him to hear.

“If you’re really that concerned, I can talk to Cody,” Obi-Wan suggested, but Anakin shook his head. He wasn’t sure then what else he could do to fix the problem. Anakin just brushed through the entrance to the Gryffindor locker room without another word. Obi-Wan hesitated a moment, before sticking his own head inside.

It was practically the same as the Ravenclaw team’s except rather obviously the color. Cody was giving more of a pep talk than a tactics meeting, but stopped near instantly when he realized he was being watched.

“Oi! Coming to spy Kenobi?” Cody spun on him faster than he’d expected, but rather than indulging his friend’s competitive spirit he fixed Cody with his firmest glare.

“A word, Captain Quidditch?” He swept a hand towards the field and Cody eyed him with a rather ridiculous amount of scrutiny before nodding to Caleb Dume to take over, “Was that show really necessary?” Obi-Wan complained as they walked a little ways away for some better privacy.

“Had to let my team know I’m not trying to swap secrets with the enemy,” Cody pointed out with a grin, “Which I’m not if that’s what you’re here for,” Obi-Wan rolled his eyes.

“Cody, I’ve been one of your best friends since first year, they’re aware,” He reminded him, “I’m here about Anakin,” Cody’s easy smile fell into a troubled frown.

“Is everything ok?” He asked and Obi-Wan gave a hesitant shrug.

“He’s afraid somethings going to happen at the match,” He explained, “I’ve got Qui-Gon and Satine planted in the stands-”

“So you think somethings going to happen?” Cody looked more concerned at the thought.

“I’d rather be prepared,” Obi-Wan sighed, “I’m going to try to keep an eye on Anakin from my end of the field. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate as captain-”

“I’ll have none of that,” Cody interrupted, “A good captain- no, a good teammate looks out for his mates. I’ll keep an eye out,” Though Obi-Wan wanted to thank him for it, he knew Cody wasn’t much for such things.

“Go easy on him,” He said instead, before moving to head back towards the Ravenclaw section, “And good luck.”

“You’re the one who’ll need the luck, Kenobi!”

***

Anakin was flinching at everything. Had he not been high up in the air it would have been less of a problem, but at this rate he was going to be the cause of his own fall rather than anything Windu might try. He’d missed nearly every shot he’d taken and he half expected that Cody would have taken him out of the game already, but his captain only glanced at him occasionally and focused on calling things out to his fellow chasers.

He was determined at the very least to make some sort of redeeming shot, though he was sure Cody wouldn’t kick him off the team for this, even if just as a favor to Obi-Wan. He scanned the field and looked for an opening. The chasers were fighting for the Quaffle in the middle of the field, which meant targeting his mentor was out of the question, and he really couldn’t get a clear shot on the enemy team. Ravenclaw’s seeker was hovering a little too close to the Gryffindor hoops for Anakin’s liking. In fact, he seemed to be drifting to the left steadily. Anakin frowned, he wasn’t an expert on seekers, but it seemed like a weird position for them to be in. If they weren’t very lucky they could even get pelted with the quaffle or accidentally cause a foul.

Then he saw the glimmer of gold, about 2 feet away from the Ravenclaw seeker and Anakin realized what was going on. Frantically, he turned to look for a bludger, but panicked as one was already pelting straight towards him. He hit it hard, eyes closed, and flinched at the sound of sudden cheering.

He slowly opened his eyes. Blue and Silver confetti was raining down on the field. The Ravenclaw seeker was holding up the golden snitch with pride and the rest of the Ravenclaws were cheering with a feriosity. Anakin felt guilt well up inside, he couldn’t even look at the rest of his team, just descended from the air like a bullet.

They may have lost, and it was a rather sour defeat, but Anakin was ready more than ever to catch Windu in the act. Even if only to allow himself to exist with a little more piece of mind.

***

Upon hearing of Anakin’s reasoning for being so afraid during their Quidditch match, Obi-Wan instantly knew where to take that information. His own fears dissolved as he entered Qui-Gon’s office without knocking- a clear indication that he was too focused to worry over decorum. This wasn’t lost on his favorite professor and mentor as he looked up to meet Obi-Wan’s gaze with equal parts concern and curiosity. 

“Obi-Wan, what do I extend the-”

“-Something must be done about Windu.”

Any calm disposition dropped from Qui-Gon instantly, “What happened?”

“Nothing. Yet.” Obi-Wan was sure to emphasize this with great intensity, “And seeing as I don’t want to allow another step of misfortune to bestow him and I don’t believe you do either, I think we must take matters in our own hands as clearly the Headmaster is not going to.” He said, raising his chin as he said it to deflect any possible argument, though none came.

“I see.” Qui-Gon leaned his chin on folded hands as he considered this, “I still cannot see Mace doing such a thing.”

“Clearly, it’s someone from within the castle.” Obi-Wan insisted, “A powerful wizard, at that. Who else could torture and maintain the Zillo Beast for all this time? Plus, we can round up all the evidence in the world and it still doesn’t stop the fact that for as long as we let this person go-”

“-You mistake my comment as a dispute. I, too, hold your belief that we can no longer ignore Anakin’s theory. After all, he is still the only person to spend extensive time with this mysterious foe.”

Obi-Wan released a sigh, feeling his shoulders relax from gripping onto tension he didn’t even realize had built up since his conversation with Anakin.

“I’m sorry, Qui-Gon.” He took a seat across from him, folding his robe beneath him, “It’s possible I am also still riled up from his kidnapping.”

“Perhaps you could also use counseling.” Qui-Gon said thoughtfully.

Obi-Wan shook his head adamantly, “Let’s please focus on Anakin, for now. He’s the one who endured such a traumatic experience. I’d just really like to be proactive in preventing the next one.”

“I would too.” Qui-Gon admitted and then smiled, “But we all need a little help every now and then.”

“Which is why I came to you.” Obi-Wan asserted. “I could never stop an evil wizard on my own.”

“You're stronger than you believe, Obi-Wan.” Qui-Gon smiled, but moved to stand, “However, I was not solely referring to you. I think we could benefit from having a second set of eyes, particularly a set with ample amounts of experience detecting dark magic.”

Obi-Wan had naturally (and wrongfully) assumed that Qui-Gon meant Headmaster Yoda. In spite of his small stature, the little green wizard was the only one amongst them to have fought a sith in his lifetime. However, they walked swiftly past the entrance to the headmaster’s office and onwards. He guessed it would be too simple to involve the most powerful wizard in the school. 

Then again, Yoda was quite close with Windu. Surely, Yoda couldn’t be involved. Right?

“What would he want with Anakin, anyway?” Obi-Wan asked finally. “He’s just a boy.”

When he received no answer- not even a spew of philosophical theories that he’d come accustomed to- he looked up and over at his mentor. His face was set in a focused frown and his eyes were staring straight ahead as though he intended on piercing whatever crossed him.

Whatever it was, Obi-Wan had already deduced it wasn’t good, but the thought still plagued him.

After all, Anakin had mentioned that his kidnapper drew blood from him. To what purpose could that fulfil?

His second suspicion had been Professor Dooku’s office, which of course, was where they ended up. Dooku was easily the second strongest wizard in the entire school- only second to Yoda, himself, and had spent many years as an Auror and then professor. Not to mention, as head of Ravenclaw house, it did seem pertinent that he at least be a little involved if they were to come up with a plan. 

His door was already cracked open and the traces of dim lighting echoed off the pale stone walls that lined the small corridor that would eventually lead into the main room. While Obi-Wan would never enter Dooku’s office without knocking, Qui-Gon held no such qualms of doing so and marched ahead without hesitance. 

Upon entering and reaching the end of the small corridor, they immediately noticed they were interrupting something. Specifically, an unpleasant meeting at that. Obi-Wan could have guessed this solely by the only other person in the room being Asajj Ventress, but there was also the clear displeasure that was written over every one of Dooku’s hardened features. 

“I strongly advise you to hesitate before making such a frivolous mistake again, Miss Ventress.” He said thickly, “Lest there be stricter consequences.”

“My sincerest apologies, Professor.”

Even more shocking, Ventress actually looked guilty at his words and sagged her shoulders a bit. This display of vulnerability did not lessen the discontent of his stare.

It was only then that Qui-Gon decided to knock. Though there was no door or frame to do so, which resulted in the borderline comedic display of Qui-Gon gently tapping his knuckles against a marble bust. 

“Qui-Gon! Obi-Wan!” If Dooku cared much for having his meeting interrupted, he didn’t give any indication of this. In fact, it was quite the opposite. He seemed to perk up at their intrusion rather than recoil. Perhaps it was Qui-Gon’s being there, because while he never felt disliked by Professor Dooku, he never imagined seeing him so pleasant at his arrival.

“Dooku!” Qui-Gon smiled jovially and took two long steps forward to lean over the desk and grasped his welcoming hand in a firm shake. “So sorry to barge in without notice.”

“Oh, posh.” Dooku waved his other hand dismissively and then side-eyed Ventress, “I was just finishing up.”

Ventress turned her head sharply to the side before taking that as her cue to leave, but on her way out, was sure to purposefully shove past Obi-Wan with enough force to send him to the side.

“So, that’s where Skywalker learned to take a hit.” She taunted before storming the rest of the way out of the office. 

“That’ll be 5 points from Slytherin for that display.” Dooku called after her with indifference before turning back to Qui-Gon, “So, how may I be of service?”

Qui-Gon paused by giving Obi-Wan a silent look to ask if he was alright and then sighed, “As always, I wish it were under better circumstances.”

“Surely, we’ve had some good times.” Dooku jested dryly, “I reckon I’ve had a good laugh while reeling you in from your latest conspiracy theories.”

“And you may have to draw me back from another.” Qui-Gon winced, “Because I have strong enough reason to suspect that Mace might not be completely forward with his intentions these days.”

Dooku raised his eyebrows and stroked his snowy beard thoughtfully, “Is that so?”

“Anakin has firmly stated on multiple occasions that he believes his captor, the Zillo Beast imprisoner, is Mace Windu.” Qui-Gon kept his voice low, “And as much as I do not want to believe that a colleague and friend could be behind this, what other choice do we have when someone is clearly targeting the boy and we have been unable to protect him?”

Dooku flickered his dark eyes to Obi-Wan, considering him for the first time during their exchange, “And you share these thoughts, Obi-Wan?”

“I share the belief that it’s possible.” He said, trying not to sound stupid in front of his head of house. Despite knowing that any friend of Qui-Gon’s should be trustworthy, there was always something intimidating about Dooku. “And that Anakin deserves to have his fears investigated properly.”

“I agree.” Dooku said, “Perhaps keeping a firmer eye on Windu could be useful. It’s only a matter of time before a monster such as this feels the need to strike again. I’m sure he’s quite bitter that he failed the first few times.”

He then tightened his fingers in a fist, “Anakin, thankfully… Is a very slippery little boy.”

“And powerful.” Qui-Gon said with a nod, “Which is why my other beliefs still stand.”

“In due time, Qui-Gon Jinn.” Dooku sighed, “For now, I believe it is wise that we construct a specific plan on when to perform this stakeout.”

“Every night, I’d think.” Obi-Wan interjected to his own surprise. “Otherwise, we’re not going to know when to catch him in the act.”

“Anakin should be there.” Qui-Gon said. 

“Involving the boy could be dangerous.” Dooku said.

“It’s already dangerous, Dooku.” Qui-Gon shook his head, “Besides, if you think he’s not going to go right ahead and do it anyway, you haven’t been paying attention.”

“I suppose you have a point there,” He said tightly. “Figuring out this attacker's motives with the boy would likely prove to be unpredictable.”

“It has to be the workings of the Sith.” Qui-Gon said quietly. “Who else would be so adept at working in the shadows? It’s the prophecy, I tell you.”

“What prophecy?” Obi-Wan asked eagerly. 

“You know I share your interest in the fixations of the future.” Dooku ignored him and stood to polish the long golden sword with a ruby hilt that hung beside the bookshelf in front of him, “But a true Sith would never act unless the opportunity presented itself. You would not be able to properly supervise Anakin should you want to draw him out.”

“I cannot risk that. He will be my primary responsibility,” Qui-Gon said with placating hands raised slightly. However, this gesture  didn’t seem to relax Dooku in the slightest. 

“Very well.” He practically forced out, “That is how it will be done then. I will observe the tunnels to ensure no one gets in. If there’s one sith temple beneath Hogwarts, surely there are other hidden nooks and crannies.”

“I appreciate your help, Dooku.” Qui-Gon said kindly, “I know we don’t always agree, but your guidance and insight has always been valuable to me.”

“You’re a good man, Qui-Gon.” Dooku said firmly, “Our main priority is to keep our children safe.”

“And what of me?” Obi-Wan asked.

“You have enough to worry about.” Qui-Gon said.

“OWL’s are approaching, young man.” Dooku added.

“I am fully capable of doing both.” He said indignantly.

“Capable, perhaps, but also unnecessary.” Qui-Gon said sternly, “You will not be tagging along when you have enough duties to tend to. In fact, you should be heading to bed now, last I checked.”

He looked between the two of them like he was begging between two parents, but then remembered he wouldn’t even be doing that with his own parents. Also, while the wisest, both wizards were increasingly more stubborn with age.

“Fine. I won’t tag along.”

But he would possibly start his own investigation.  

***

Anakin was never really that fond of waiting games. He considered himself much more of a man of action. However, he knew that to catch Mace Windu in the act, waiting around would be the only way. He hadn’t revealed himself at the Quidditch match and although Anakin was happy to have made it out alive, he knew this meant that Windu was trying to hide again. This time though, he had real back up. He and Qui-Gon had spent plenty of time in the halls after hours, trying to catch him sneaking around. Professor Dooku was helping out too, he took watch over the tunnels very seriously, in fact, Anakin hadn’t seen him around for a few nights. Rex, while discouraged from tagging along, had his back when it came to charms classes, glaring rather purposely at Windu every time he looked over to them. Still, the night was quiet and Anakin was bored.

“How long is this going to take?” He complained under his breath, and though he hadn’t been expecting Qui-Gon to answer the professor looked over at him in amusement.

“We’ve barely been at it three days, Anakin,” He reminded him, “Mace tends to keep to himself, so it’s not surprising we haven’t seen him leave his office yet. In due time, evil will be revealed,” Whether that was a one off comment or another casually quoted prophecy, Anakin just shrugged.

“Obi-Wan said you wouldn’t let him come,” He asked, not wanting to lapse back into silence.

“He’s in his fifth year,” Qui-Gon pointed out, “He needs to focus on his O.W.L.s.”

“In case you forgot, Obi-Wan’s pretty much the smartest guy in the school,” Anakin grumbled, “I’m pretty sure he could get straight O’s in his sleep,” Qui-Gon smiled rather fondly at the statement.

“Maybe so, but he still needs some time to study,” Anakin didn’t quite agree, plus Obi-Wan had been involved in this investigation from the start. He wondered how long it would take before the prefect showed up of his own accord, but maybe he respected Qui-Gon too much to break the rule. He found his mentor hard to read.

Anakin was about to come up with another possible topic of conversation, when they heard the creaking of an opening door. Qui-Gon quickly put a finger to his lips and a hand on Anakin’s shoulder as a quiet request to stay put. Qui-Gon himself stood up and walked around the corner like he hadn’t been planted there for the past few hours.

“Mace! Lovely to see you this evening,” Though he couldn’t see the exchange from around the corner, Anakin could imagine it. No doubt Mace was unhappy to have been caught so quickly in whatever he’d been attempting to do. It did make Anakin think, how were they to truly catch him in the act if they couldn’t even subdue him fully in the forest. Still, this time at least they were at the school where surely they’d be able to find more wizards if needed.

“Qui-Gon, you’re out rather late this evening,” Mace spoke it as a question, though Anakin wasn’t sure Qui-Gon ever actually slept.

“I see Qui-Gon’s planning to talk his way through this investigation,” The deep tone from behind him made him jump, but as he turned around it was only Dooku looking as stony faced as ever.

“Well, Windu hardly ever comes out of his office,” Anakin pointed out after getting over his initial fear, “We need to make the most of what we can,” He had to resist the urge to peer around the corner, “Plus, if he can get close enough, he can tag him with a tracker,” Anakin showed Dooku the small sticky piece of parchment that Qui-Gon had whipped up for them.

“Perhaps,” Dooku answered simply, “I’ve only come to let him know the tunnels are secured for the evening, tell him when he gets back from fraternizing,” Dooku let a heavy hand sit on Anakin’s shoulders. Through his shirt he felt the cold of a ring and suddenly felt his body buzz with adrenaline. He looked over very slowly at the hand, there was a heavy looking ornate ring, one that looked eerily familiar.

“Where are you going?” Anakin managed to ask, “I thought you were supposed to monitor the tunnels.”

“Prior engagement,” Dooku answered stiffly, “It’s not the business of a first year,” But perhaps it was his business, because as Dooku removed his hand and walked back the way he came, Anakin realized that Mace Windu had never worn a ring, he wasn’t much one for such material things, but Dooku seemed to think much the opposite by his office alone.

Dooku had been at the Christmas party when he’d been poisoned and Dooku had known enough about the Zillo Beast to help stop it. Dooku had never shown any particular favoritism or lack thereof like Windu had, but he certainly had been at all the right places at all the right times. Still, it felt like it was quite a leap to take, especially since Qui-Gon had trusted him with their plans, or perhaps Dooku had tricked them into trusting him so he could continue to weasel his way out of their suspicions.

Anakin ran.

He pulled out his map, tapping it until he could track Dooku’s footsteps. He stayed back, not wanting to be caught prematurely, until Dooku entered his office. Anakin crept forward enough to listen and looked through the keyhole. Dooku reached into a silver ornate vase, grabbing a handful of dust and stepped into the fireplace. He tossed it down without a moment's pause and called for the Ministry of Magic.

Anakin practically fell into his office the moment the professor disappeared. He didn’t have a lot of time to waste, he only knew he needed to follow Dooku. If he was right about this, who knew what sorts of things he was out doing. Thinking faster than he normally would have, he grabbed some poor students' homework and flipped it over.

‘Followed Dooku, Ministry of Magic, he’s the bad guy!’

And he stuck the tracker Qui-Gon had given him to the corner of the page. He hoped it would be sufficient, but he didn’t have time to consider anything else. He grabbed a handful of powder and tried to copy how he’d done this with Qui-Gon for winter break.

“Ministry of Magic!”

***

With the lifting of student curfews so that everyone could have more time to study, it was fairly easy for Obi-Wan and Satine to remain unnoticed by professors and ghosts at such a late time of night, especially since they were currently positioned in their usual seats in the library. When the prying eyes of younger students passed and everyone tended to their own business, Obi-Wan finally felt safe enough to pull out the roll of parchment he’d been saving. He left it rolled beside him. 

“I’m sure you’re wondering why we’re doing this in the library.” He said.

“Not really. This is where we usually are.” She shrugged and he tried not to notice for the millionth time that evening that she wasn’t dressed in her usual Hogwarts uniform, but a comfortable t-shirt and jeans. Briefly, he felt out of place for dressing so formally to study, but she hadn’t commented on it. 

He leaned in, keeping his voice at whisper-level, “Qui-Gon doesn’t know we’re doing this so I wanted to remain as inconspicuous as possible.”

She matched him and whether she did so to tease or to genuinely emulate him remained to be seen, “I figured as much.”

He sighed and paged through one of the books he’d laid out for them, “They want to see if they can catch Windu in the act, but Dooku isn’t so sure that’s possible.”

“And neither are you from the sounds of it.” She commented.

“How do you know?” He asked, defensively. He’d intended on building up to his reasoning, but was always jarred to have himself so easily read.

“Because otherwise, you wouldn’t feel the need to be doing this.” She gestured to the books all around them. “And really, how would one catch Windu being a Sith lord in the act? If he goes off on some senseless monologue?”

He shushed her, which enacted a reasonably annoyed look, but he couldn’t help his paranoia, “Wizards don’t usually go around throwing the term “Sith” hither and yon. It’s hardly ever spoken of, actually.” 

“I’ve noticed.” She said, “Though I’m not sure what denying that a dark part of history ever happened is going to do for anyone. How are we supposed to prepare if they truly are coming back as legend states?”

“Some say it’s legend, others say it’s prophecy.” He said in a low voice, “And until this year, I’m not sure which side I would have fell on or if I’d have a strong opinion at all, but with the combined events of this year, I would be a fool to deny that it very well could be happening in our own school.”

“Well, is it not fabled that Salazar Slytherin was a Sith?” She asked. “That makes Hogwarts’ history embedded in it.”

Obi-Wan paused as he considered this, “I wonder if that means there are relics within the school that could be hidden in plain sight as Sith heirlooms.”

“To channel dark magic, you mean.” She bobbed her head as she thought this over, “Kinda odd since Windu is such a minimalist with his office. There’s barely anything in it at all aside from the replica of the Sword of Gryffindor that hangs on the wall.”

“Godric Gryffindor was many things, but a Sith, he was not.” Obi-Wan pointed to a picture of Gryffindor, himself, using the glimmering sword of Gryffindor to ward off several Sith, who’s sword glimmered a rustic yellow color in this printed book.

“Let me see that,” She didn’t wait for his answer as she slid the book closer to her to read the text aloud, “The Sith saber is forged in an enchanted gold with a red hilt. Only when the Sith lord has struck down their desired foe does the blade glimmer a permanent red.” 

“Aurors apparently used to wield blue or green ones of the same make.” He said excitedly, “Without the blood-requirement of course. This was until everyone realized using wands was less barbaric and easier.”

Obi-Wan would not admit to picturing himself swinging around a glowing blue or green sword of his own. He never glorified violence, but it was truly something special to behold when presented to the right wizard.

“Well, I imagine they wouldn’t really have to use such medieval methods anymore now that the Sith have been gone for as long as they have.” She noted, “I feel as though I have seen one of these before, though.”

Obi-Wan leaned forward. The picture in the book wasn’t exactly a diagram by any measure. All it provided was the fuzzy-looking outline of a warrior with an even less descriptive depiction of the blade they swung. However, even as he was taking another glance, he remembered where.

“Professor Dooku has one in his office.” He said, “Amongst many different trinkets he’s collected over the years from his time as an Auror.”

To prove his point, Obi-Wan stood up in search of the yearbook from the previous year and added it to their collection of long volumes to peruse through. He paged through until he got to the Ravenclaw segment of the book. Under normal circumstances, Satine might point at their moving portraits and either complain about her yearbook photo turned out or tease Obi-Wan for how serious he looked in his. Instead, he turned the book back to her when they got to Dooku’s section, which was a portrait of him leaning on the desk of his office. 

He pointed at the bookshelf and she frowned and shook her head, “I don’t see a sword, Ben.”

He twisted the book back around and examined the entire image, taking in every single trinket and item exposed to them and leaned back, “You’re right.”

He got up and tried for a few other yearbooks and still, to no avail. Instead of the sword he’d recognized, there was a plain silver scabbard in its place.

“Maybe it’s just not in the frame? Or perhaps you’re mistaken.”

“Or maybe he didn’t have it yet.” He cocked his head to the side, “Still, he hasn’t been an Auror for well over 30 years. How would he come to possess something like that now?”

The question hung between them for a long moment, each clearly following the same hauntingly suspicious line of thinking before Obi-Wan shook his head, “It’s got to be a coincidence. Dooku was teaching during our confrontation with the phantom in the woods. He can’t be in two places at once.”

Satine blinked and her frown deepened, “Except… He wasn’t teaching the entire time?”

Obi-Wan’s nerves spiked, “What do you mean?”

“DADA was interrupted that day.” As she was saying it, he could hear the rising anxiety in her voice that matched the thrum of his quickened heartbeats, “Ventress came in with a note from Palpatine and Dooku said it was urgent and told us to study amongst ourselves.”

“Palpatine came alone to save Anakin.” Obi-Wan said slowly, “So, where did Dooku go?”

“He was at the Christmas party.” Satine answered instead, “When Anakin was poisoned.” 

Obi-Wan’s mouth felt incurably dry, his mind connecting dots that seemed to appear from thin air and it seemed the same level of panic was seeping through Satine from just across the table, “And on Halloween, he knew exactly how to stop the beast.”

“But he didn’t check out the book. Windu did.” She grasped for reason, which was unfortunate since either outcome was equally terrifying to be considered true.

“Why would you need to look up a book on Zillo Beasts when you already know how to handle one?”

“You mean,” She gnawed on her lower lip, “If you were already holding one captive.”

His head was full of lead as he nodded slowly at her. As a head of house, Professor Dooku shared all the same clearances and responsibilities as Windu. The only difference was that he distanced himself considerably from Anakin and kept himself impressively neutral. Because maybe, it wasn’t a passionate attack at all. 

“But… Why?” Obi-Wan found himself asking, even if he wasn’t sure he even wanted such answers. How could someone Qui-Gon trusted so desperately be the person behind all of this? It didn’t make sense after all this time for him to fall dark. Or maybe, he didn’t want it to make sense.

Then again, his hesitance to accept Qui-Gon’s plan to have Anakin at his side was making an increasing amount of sense. 

“I don’t think we have time to consider that.” Satine said urgently, “You said you and Qui-Gon discussed the plan with Dooku.”

“And Dooku said he was going to be guarding the tunnels. I highly doubt that’s true. He must be planning something.” He smacked his forehead, “We’ve got to find them.”

“But how?” She asked. “We have no idea where in the castle they even are.”

He glanced towards the rolled piece of parchment on the table and gave her a curious look. “Ready to put your enchantment skills to the test?” 

***

“This thing is hideous!” Satine complained as Obi-Wan unrolled the scroll, “Were you blindfolded when you drew it?”

“It was initially meant as a sketch to try and better understand the tunnels.” He hissed, “Not some grandiose work by Picasso.”

“And the color choice was necessary, how?” She implored by pointing to the crayon-etched scribbles that were supposed to mark down each house’s common areas. Even Obi-Wan had to concede that he didn’t pick the most flattering versions of blue, red, green and yellow.

“I didn’t want it to be bland. Now, are you quite finished insulting my artistic abilities?” He asked, “We’ve sort of got more pressing matters.”

“If you say so,” Though he didn’t miss her giving the map another concerned glance, “We’ll need to work at the exact same time if this is going to remotely work. And you did not do us many favors by drawing this so haphazard.”

“It wasn’t meant for anyone outside of myself.”

“You should know by now that there is little you can keep from me.” She sighed, but extended her wand towards the paper and fixed him with a cautionary glance, “Ready?”

They started with the homunculus charm, which required the both of them to pour forth a great deal of individualized focus, especially since this was not a charm taught to them thus far. Sometimes, it paid to read outside the realms of their required assignments. Or for Obi-Wan and Satine, that meant reading just about every single book they could get their hands on.

When his eyes flickered open, where there had once been blank spots, there were now various little ugly named smudges.

“Don’t say anything,” He rolled his eyes, predicting Satine’s annoyance with ease. Sure enough, she had also rolled her eyes.

“I think it speaks for itself.” She said instead, but leaned forward across the table to try and figure out where Qui-Gon and Anakin, or worse, Dooku, was. “How are we supposed to identify what any of these landmarks are when they are just blobs of colorful scribble?”

“I can tell what they are, thank you very much.” He scanned the map as quickly as he could to desperately try to find Anakin and Qui-Gon, who he desperately hoped were separate from Dooku. 

“Qui-Gon’s with Windu near the green house.” He frowned, “Where the hell is Anakin?”

Satine stood closer to him, her chin brushing against his shoulder as she peered as close as she could, “There! He’s moving…”

“Towards Dooku’s office.” Obi-Wan panicked, “And Dooku is moving there too. We’ve got to stop him.”

“Should we get Qui-Gon?” She immediately picked up stride and followed straight behind him as he dashed out of the library and through some eager first years that were very confused by the sudden energy burst from their esteemed prefects. Obi-Wan didn’t have the presence of mind to care about anything aside from saving Anakin.

“No time!” He called over his shoulder while he ran ahead.

Though he didn’t love the concept of admitting Satine was right about his map, he had to admit it was a bit dodgy to follow in a pinch. Then again, reading anything was difficult while running with the full weight of your mentee’s life weighing on your shoulders (again). Luckily, he essentially had the non-secretive parts of the school memorized entirely. 

“We’ll have to take a shortcut!” Satine cut through his thoughts with the accuracy of someone who may know him a little too well at this point in their friendship, “Or else we’ll never make it.”

Thinking quick, he grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the main entrance of the castle, knowing from extensive research during Anakin’s kidnapping that the closest means to Ravenclaw tower (and Dooku��s office by default) was through the tunnel that began behind one of the tapestries donning the walls.

However, they were surprised to find that none other than a very sweaty Cody Fett was emerging from the large doors- broomstick slung over his shoulder.

“Cody?” Satine beat him to his incredulousness, which allowed him time to tear the tapestry off the wall, “What are you doing?”

“Practicing for Quidditch!” Cody beamed. 

“You're supposed to be using the lack of curfew for studying,” She put her hands on her hips. “And Quidditch is over!”

“Satine!” Obi-Wan gestured towards the now-open entrance, pleading for her to do this at a different time and she immediately turned on her heels to follow him.

“First of all,” Cody began hotly as he followed them wordlessly down the dark alleyway, “Quidditch is never over! Let’s get that straight right now. Secondly, THIS DOESN’T LOOK LIKE STUDYING TO ME!” He began to shout as he picked up into a full sprint after them, still not quite asking what they were doing.

“Dooku’s the bad guy and we’ve got to stop him! That reason enough for you?” Obi-Wan countered. 

“Actually… Yes.” 

***

It had been easier than he had expected to find Dooku once he tumbled out of the fireplace. The ministry was empty save for a line of sooty footprints leading towards what seemed to be a lift. He brushed himself off, drew his wand and inspected the lift. Instead of numbers at the top there were letters and odd symbols, but the one it was currently stopped on was ‘M’ which gave him not much else to go on, except for which button to hit when the lift finally made its way back up to him.

He stepped inside and hit the button, expecting a descent... Not to be rocketed backwards. He got knocked to the ground, wand skittering out of reach. It stopped suddenly and Anakin tried to push himself up when suddenly the lift dropped like a stone. He wasn’t too sorry he had been on the ground when it did because he managed not to be knocked around too much at the shaky descent. Then it stopped once more and the doors swished open. Anakin took very little time grabbing his wand from where it was precariously perched over a gap in the floor and stepped out on the cold black flooring. He took a minute to collect himself, wizards really must not have the kind of safety standards that most muggles did. He decided to stuff his wand back into his robe, not wanting to lose it as he looked around.

It was rather dark down here, and it was giving him an odd sense of deja vu. He could no longer see Dooku’s footprints, so either he’d cleaned himself up during the ride, or they blended right into the floor. He felt some sort of presence behind him, but all that was to his back was the wall. He took a cautious few steps forward and when nothing happened and no one jumped out at him he continued onward.

The hallway was lined with doors, but they had no doorknobs. He tried his hand at opening one, but no matter which way he pushed or pulled it held fast. At least, he figured, that gave him less of a chance of getting lost. The whole thing was uncomfortably familiar as he walked carefully along. There was little else to stray him from a straight path and he felt it was the correct way to go anyways.

Then he saw it: the door at the end of the hallway, and he was reminded of a few of his dreams. They were hard to remember beyond fragments, but he recognized it as the one he was always reaching towards before falling back to the Zillo Beast chamber. Though the unlikeliness of that happening while he was awake was minimal, he still held his breath as he reached his hand out to grasp the doorknob. Nothing happened except for a whoosh of cold air that blew past him as he pulled it open.

The door closed behind him, leaving him in a space with 12 doors, which formed a rather impossible circle around the door he just entered from. Anakin didn’t have much of a clue where to go from here, having never gotten here before in his dreams and not seeing any footprints on the ground. So, he did what any young Gryffindor would do and approached one at random. He turned the handle, locked. He moved to the next, this one did open and he moved through the door cautiously.

It looked to be a classroom, not unlike the ones at Hogwarts, but the blackboards were unreadable with symbols he’d never seen before etched onto them. Each desk helped form a semi-circle, with the same odd symbols written in nearly the same way on every single one. At the center of the room was a large metal tub. Though he likely shouldn’t have approached it, it was all so strange he felt inclined too. They looked to be odd fish, swimming around in something that seemed just a little too thick to be water. He leaned forward to get a better look.

Brains. Wrinkly and pink swam around with some sort of tendrils. They seemed not to see as they bumped into each other, their membranes squishing from another.

“Oh gross!” Anakin yelled and he moved swiftly in the nick of time as one of the tendrils lashed out right where he’d once been standing. Anakin held his breath as the slimy pink appendage slid around the edge of the tank, searching for the disturbance, before slowly falling back into the not-water with a plunk.

He stayed frozen for a few minutes before he slowly turned to leave and select a new door that would hopefully take him to a much less disgusting room, but the door he’d entered in was gone. He gasped in panic, which in turn made the brains in the tank splash around trying to catch the intruder, but he wasn’t planning on letting them. Another door was at the front of the classroom and he launched himself towards it, hands over his head in case they could reach him at a distance. He didn’t even think to check what was on the other side.

He was floating. Hair rising at the lack of gravity and he did remember this feeling from when he used to do it by accident. In fact, he wondered if he had done it by accident before looking around.

This room seemed infinite. Twinkling lights going on forever in each direction, stars, he had to assume as his eyes caught on the scale replica of the planet earth. In fact, all the planets were present, and orbiting around the brightest light in the room was the sun. Anakin tried to take a step and ended up flipping completely over, floating over the sun, so close he could almost feel that it was giving off enough heat to singe his eyebrows off. The next door came into sight shortly after and he barely managed to catch the door frame and lower himself enough to open it for himself. He tried not to think about what would have happened if he’d just kept going.

The next room looked like the potions storage, nothing really unique when you considered the brain room, and the room that was outer space. This room though was loud as there was a rather wide display of clocks. Everything from cuckoo clocks to hour glasses lined every wall and shelf in sight. The whole room seemed to shutter every second as if there was a clock resting in the very walls, which was rather plausible given everything else he’d just witnessed. Anakin took a moment to catch his breath and look around. The next door was just to the left past a shelf with a rather handsome series of pocket watches. It seemed too easy, but Anakin couldn’t complain.

That door led into a room that could have been a warehouse. Tall shelves lined with oddly glowing spheres. This room seemed to whisper to him and he felt his feet moving down the center aisle before he could fully register it. It felt like there was something here that was his, that he’d been missing and if he just could touch it he’d feel complete.

What stopped him dead in his tracks though, was the flash of a purple spell that hit him at full force.

“You’re rather lucky that you’re wanted alive,” Dooku’s voice echoed around the room and Anakin worked hard to shake off the low level stunning charm, “Because I really ought to kill you for interfering in my work,” He managed to sit up though, his legs still felt frozen and his heart caught in his throat as Dooku glared down at him.

“It was you! This whole time,” Anakin managed as his teeth unstuck themselves, “Not Windu!”

“You were quick to suspect Mace,” Dooku’s wand twitched, “It was so easy to go along with,” Anakin glared, trying and failing to stand.

“But why?” Anakin growled, “I never did anything to you.”

“Not everything is about you, Skywalker,” Dooku explained like this was any old school lecture, “There are things bigger than you in the works,” He looked down at Anakin with distaste, “much bigger.”

“And? Clearly I am involved since you tried to murder me multiple times,” Anakin pointed out, “What’s stopping you now anyways?” Dooku’s nostrils flared at the annoyance and he pressed the tip of his wand very purposely into Anakin’s forehead.

“Nothing. Nothing is stopping me from ending you right now,” He warned, “Your involvement is unfortunate, but it is foretold,” Dooku flicked his wand up, a gesture to stand and Anakin was prodded as they moved further into the room. Despite the danger, Anakin could still feel that call, that something in here was meant for him and with each step they seemed to get closer to it. Until they approached a row of orbs and Anakin was certain it was here and right above them. 

And Dooku was reaching for it.

Except, he didn’t. The orb Dooku reached towards was the one next to his. He grabbed it tightly, body tense as if he expected something to happen, but nothing did. Dooku gently pulled the orb down, rubbing it a little to wipe off the dust.

“What are these?” Anakin couldn’t help but ask. Dooku looked at him in mild annoyance, but it seemed being a professor didn’t wear off so easily.

“These are prophecies,” He explained, “They’re recorded in books, yes, but they’re stored here for their chosen one to find them,” Anakin glanced at the orb that started to glow as he drew nearer to it.

“So that one’s yours?” He pointed towards the dusty dull prophecy in Dooku’s hands, he wondered then, if Dooku’s looked liked it was glowing to him.

“Yes, this is the prophecy of how to thwart death,” He held it up for Anakin to see, “With this, and your eventual sacrifice, I’ll be able to steal back what death has stolen from me.”

“So what? You want to be young again?” Anakin couldn’t really see the point, but Dooku was getting up there in years, maybe he’d feel the same when he was older.

“No you insolent child,” Dooku tried rubbing the prophecy again, “Death stole away my sister and I will save her, even at the cost of the lives of others.”

“Oh,” Anakin could kind of understand that. He didn’t have much family, but should anything happen to his mum he’d probably do anything to get her back.

“So perhaps you understand,” Dooku nodded, “It’s prophesied that you must die. I find the waste of human life distasteful, but when the situation calls for it, I’ll do what I must.”

“So what was the point of the Zillo Beast,” Anakin cut in.

“The Beast itself was another avenue for another means,” He answered cryptically, “But the sword in the temple was meant for you,” Anakin shuddered at the sensation of ghost chains wrapped around his wrists, “And when the beast broke loose the plan had to-”

Anakin frowned and tried to think of why Dooku had stopped speaking. He’d been so previously animated in the midst of his speech while holding the dim orb that it was strange for there to be nothing but silence. He almost wanted to challenge the recently proclaimed Sith lord, but didn’t because it seemed the voices that spoke to Anakin were finally loud enough for Dooku to bear and see.

To his upper left, just within reach, the orb that called to Anakin illuminated a loud electric blue that spoke to Anakin without words, but with feelings. It called to him like sirens singing their alluring song to draw in their prey. It was telling him to reach out, to grasp his future in his hands, to accept what so few could even dream of.

But how could any of that be real? Anakin held no true understanding of this place, but knew it was not meant for nobodies like him. It was for heroes and great conquerors of history. How could someone who knew so little become anything to anyone?

Still, he closed his hand around the orb and the moment he made contact, words poured from him in a voice that was not his own.

“Anakin!” He was vaguely aware of Obi-Wan’s voice and presence, but didn’t dare move as he spoke and felt the great prophecy wash over him. This tucked away room in the Ministry of Magic faded into nothingness and instead, he was on a white plain of existence where it all seemed to make sense.

***

It only took seeing the glowing orb in Anakin’s hand for Obi-Wan to understand why the boy seemed to enter a mysterious trance. It was unfortunate timing, of course, because Dooku, who seemed to see this as his ample opportunity to strike Anakin down, was firing bursts of light at them, nearly landing a blow if it were not for Cody throwing Anakin over his shoulder with ease.

“What’s wrong with him?” He yelled.

“It’s a prophecy!” Satine and Obi-Wan shouted at the same time all the while sending their own retaliation back at Dooku, “Stupefy!”

“Silly children,” Dooku taunted, “Do you truly believe you actually have what it takes to resist the unyielding power of the dark side?”

“It can’t be that strong,” Obi-Wan said, “We’re not the ones fighting children in this scenario.”

“Easy now, Kenobi,” Dooku’s attacks seemed almost effortless. Almost. Obi-Wan could spot the sweat beginning to glisten at his temples. He didn’t want to fail again. “Your family would benefit greatly when the Sith take back what’s rightfully theirs.”

His eyes were forced to shift to Satine, who was thus far the closest to hitting him, “I cannot say the same for you, Ms. Kryze.”

“I wouldn’t want to be a part of whatever world you’re conjuring anyway.” She argued.

“That goes second for me.” Cody used the hand that was not holding Anakin in place to cover for her.

They all danced like this for a minute, parrying and attacking while defending the other, all the while essentially playing hide and seek through the never ending lines of shelved prophecy orbs. Obi-Wan knew it would not be able to go on forever. They needed an escape plan since beating Dooku head-on was simply not feasible, especially not with Anakin presently unconscious.

Unfortunately, it never came as Anakin began seizing up and skittering off of Cody’s back and onto the floor with a thud that made Obi-Wan’s heart leap in his chest. While Cody and Satine immediately prepared themselves to defend Obi-Wan as he slid to the floor alongside Anakin, he really tried not to think about how horrible this was looking for them.

“Anakin, get up.” Obi-Wan begged as he shook him slightly, but the boy was limp in his arms. When he looked at his hand, it was clear he still gripped the glowing orb tightly. Even if it went against any divination class he ever took, he reached out and touched the orb, thus essentially sharing Anakin’s vision.

Without volition, he repeated the words that harmoniously flowed through him.

In the ashes of hypocrisy…  the lords of the Sith return,

Opposed only by a Boy born when two worlds cross.

 Granted with power his enemies cannot learn,

The Hero will bring balance at the hand of great loss.

Muggles and wizards join in one common goal,

To foil the Father of Revolution’s blood-driven lie.

At the most desperate hour a betrayal will cut whole,

And for the Hero to live, the Father must die.

When Obi-Wan came to, he half-expected to already be dead by the onslaught of Dooku’s wrath, but found that not only was he alive, but being essentially cradled in Satine’s lap as she looked down at him in a mix of horror and confusion. She’d been patting him on the cheeks, obviously, trying to bring him back to a state of wakefulness. 

He didn’t even have time to be embarrassed by it, because before he knew it, she was yanking him to his feet so fast that it caused a headrush.

“Where’s-” And once again his thoughts were interrupted and this time by the sight of none other than Qui-Gon Jinn warding off Professor Dooku, not even bothering to look back at them as he stood confidently against his mentor. Obi-Wan’s heart briefly hurt for him, but he couldn’t allow it to last long, since he just realized that Anakin had also snapped out of his state of ambiguous consciousness. 

“Run!” Qui-Gon ordered.

One more look at the venom that poured from the dark wizard across the way caused each of them to listen.

***

Qui-Gon Jinn fully believed in the prophetic abilities of their ancestors. It was not a belief shared by many and was simultaneously misunderstood by most. He knew what even some of his friends thought of this interest in premonitions. They thought he simply kept his head in the clouds and looked for every literal meaning of the prophecies of old and new. They assumed he was starry eyed and wanted to know the future for his own self-gain. While, yes, he was fascinated by the brilliant minds of the past and how they were open to such premonitions, he was never narcissistic enough to believe he could control the fates to his own self-gain. In fact, he did not want to under any circumstance. Such an obsession led to darkness.

One had to remain in the present, consider the past, and be mindful of the future. 

That was a lesson taught to him by his mentor.

The very same mentor who saved his life on multiple occasions, usually from his own shortcomings, and sagely shared his pastime of analyzing prophecy with him. 

And yet, here they stood, magical currents clashing evidently not for the first time- once again after he’d tried to kill children. He supposed it was the cruelest form of irony in a sense. Here he had even come to see blips of the future and while vague, resonated with him profoundly. He’d shared whatever he could with Dooku, including his belief that the chosen one was approaching. After all, he’d been seeing him long before in brief dreams- always surrounded by the feeling of absolute balance. 

It was an experience that Dooku had been very interested in since it began a few years back. He’d warned Qui-Gon on countless occasions that the chosen one’s appearance would yield forth a darkness that would leave scars beyond repair. Qui-Gon didn’t realize he’d meant like this.

“I’ve taught you well, Qui-Gon.” He remarked, “It does not have to end in unnecessary bloodshed.”

“I agree.” Qui-Gon gritted, “Lower your wand.”

He chuckled as if Qui-Gon had merely bested him at a game of chess and not as though they were currently out for each other’s necks. “You and I both know I cannot do that. That boy stands in the way of everything I’ve worked hard to create.”

“And what is that?” Qui-Gon fired back, intensifying the force of his attack, slightly dominating the violet beam that erupted from Dooku’s wand.

As quickly as he’d gained the advantage in their tug of war, he hastily lost it when Dooku flared with an emotion he’d never seen before from his former mentor. So much so, the purple lightning bled into a violent red. 

“Peace… Justice… Revolution.”

“Peace and justice for whom? Purebloods? The Sith?” Qui-Gon needed to buy the kids time for their escape. There were normally many powerful wizards in the Ministry of Magic, but at such a late hour, it was only occupied by overnight guards and they would be of little use to this present situation. Who they really needed, was Yoda.

Qui-Gon knew he was not powerful enough to best Dooku in a straight duel. He could only hold him off for long-enough to allow the kids to get safely back to the castle. And then what? He was unsure.

“Your lack of foresight disappoints me, my young protégé.” He said in what Qui-Gon could now see was mock-pity. He avoided the urge to kick himself for not seeing it sooner, “Corruption lines the walls of your precious ministry and Hogwarts too. It will be their downfall in the end.”

“And yet, you’ve blinded yourself into believing you could stop fate?” Qui-Gon smiled, “Anakin is the chosen one and he will save us all. You heard it.”

“To what end, Qui-Gon?” Dooku shoved forward, pushing Qui-Gon to the point where he could feel his feet sliding backwards against the smooth floor. He clenched his teeth and tried to use every ounce of his strength to not make an easy end of it. 

He was so strained in his defense, he could not articulate a response, but Dooku didn’t wait for one anyway, “When have you ever known the heroes from legend to ever survive beyond their great purpose in life?”

He refused to accept that, even if the evidence of the past said otherwise. It was clear to him now, in the midst of the onslaught that rang his muscles and mind drained, that his former mentor and friend had fallen beyond the point of saving. And there was once a time that Qui-Gon believed anyone capable of redemption.

“Anakin will. I’ll see to that.”

“Now, who’s trying to belay fate?” Dooku’s smile was so foreign on his face that Qui-Gon almost didn’t recognize him. “Let go and join us. Open your eyes to the hypocrisy overlooked by your Minister of Magic, by Yoda, by the world.”

“I will never join you, my friend,” Qui-Gon swallowed and tightened his grip, well aware that the green fuse of light that burst from his wand was weakening the more intense their bonded beams got at the center, “I’m deeply sorry that it’s come to this.”

“No more sorry than I, Qui-Gon Jinn.” And for just a minutia of a moment, the older man seemed sincere, “Together, we would have been unbreakable.”

What wasn’t unbreakable were the thousands of glass orbs that lined every shelf that surrounded them. This, while not entirely lost on Qui-Gon and more or less simply on the backburner of his thoughts, became impeccably obvious when all at once, the orbs rose from their positions on the shelves and began flinging towards Dooku, shattering on the ground as one narrowly missed him. 

Others did not miss, and broke the Sith’s focus. Glass shattered everywhere, but before Qui-Gon could so much as blink and process how this was happening, the shelves beside them started to dramatically cave in all the while the orbs were pelting Dooku at an increasingly fast pace.

“What the-” Dooku immediately directed his wandwork to deflect the glass hurtling towards him.

As Qui-Gon ran, retreating down the way he’d originally come, he was joined soon by Anakin and then Obi-Wan, Satine, and Cody, who all continued to fire backwards as they ran like spitfire machines. Each looked quite smug for committing extensive vandalism. 

“I told you to run!” He yelled over the mass destruction all around them, “Not destroy the Ministry of Magic.”

“You didn’t say where to run.” Obi-Wan laughed.

“I thought that was obvious.” He said and turned to the laughing Anakin, who was still cradling the glowing orb that had chosen him to fit the grand prophecy, “And why do I feel like this was partially your idea?

“What gave it away?”

“I’m the one who set the shelves to fall!” Cody bragged triumphantly.

“You’re welcome, by the way.” Satine added. 

Dooku, finally understanding what was happening, began to fire back and it was in no time that the orbs were rewired to follow them as he thundered their way.

“Grab hands!” He shouted and without hesitance, the children followed his lead. Qui-Gon closed his eyes and they stopped in one place. Despite the swirl of emotions that begged way for release, he forced himself to a steady calm and successfully transported them out of sight just as the bookshelf to their left was about to collapse against them entirely.

They all tumbled onto the floor of his office in a pile of limbs, each trying to scramble to their feet. Anakin, despite the record breaking amount of near-death experiences he’d tacked up this year, was the first to pop up.

“That… Was TOTALLY AWESOME!” Anakin cheered and then immediately went into repeating the events of the night as if all present company hadn’t also lived it, “You two were all like pew pew pew… Buzz… And we came in with the crashing shelves and the shattering glass! And then he was all AH! Then the orbs came back at us and you whipped us through time and space!”

Regardless of his own weariness and his knowledge that he wouldn’t be sleeping properly for a long time, Qui-Gon couldn’t help the authentic laugh that bubbled up from a hidden spot in his chest, “Something tells me that won’t be the last adventure you experience here, Anakin.”

“I sure hope not!” He cheered, “That was way cooler than anything I’ve ever seen on TV.”

Satine seemed to internally debate this while Obi-Wan just looked intrigued by the mention of television. Cody could only laugh along with him. Qui-Gon felt himself mentally retreat, both from exhaustion and concern. What would become of Anakin now that it’s been confirmed that he is, indeed, the chosen one?

“I suppose this means we’re out a DADA professor.” Satine said.

“That’s your takeaway from all of this? More school?” Cody groaned.

“Qui-Gon, when you were dueling Dooku… He asked you to join “us” when asking you to drop rank.”

“Ridiculous of him to think Qui-Gon would ever,” Satine rolled her eyes.

“I appreciate the vote of confidence, Satine,” Qui-Gon smiled sadly, “But it takes constant diligence to reject darkness, for once you even consider that path, you cannot turn back.”

“That’s awfully cheery.” Cody muttered.

“What I mean to ask,” Obi-Wan interjected again, “Is who is Dooku working with?”

“The Sith have always had followers creeping in the shadows.” Qui-Gon said, “Though it should always be considered that typically, Sith lords traveled in pairs of two- no more, no less.”

“And they’re all going to keep coming after me?” Anakin asked in a small voice that was much less excited than previously.

Qui-Gon turned to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, “Darkness will always try to battle the light, Anakin, but you are not alone. I think we made that clear tonight.”

Qui-Gon waved the little note he’d found near Dooku’s fireplace- the one Anakin had scrawled out to indicate that he was following Dooku to the ministry of magic. 

Anakin looked between all of them with bright eyes and puffed his chest out, “I can do it. I’ll grow up to be big and strong and I’ll stop Dooku!”

Qui-Gon didn’t doubt that for one second. However, he just prayed that just this once, the hero got to live to see the happy ending. 

[mldrgrl]

All Hot and Bothered

by: mldrgrl Rating: NC-17 Summary: Dedicating this to the current NYC heatwave that brought Hanella some inspiration. This flew out from my fingers in record time.

Sticky, wet, oppressive heat permeated every inch of the city, east to west, north to south.  The air was so thick it had weight.  Stella remembered what that kind of humidity was like from a summer some years back, when she and Hank were crossing oceans to see each other.  It was tolerable when it was temporary, but living with it was something else.

For weeks it had felt like the city was a sauna that was slowly turning the dial up, notch by notch, from comfortable to unbearable.  Even at night, when the sun finally went to bed after baking the streets all day, the heat relentlessly remained behind.  

The thing about the heat that annoyed Stella the most, was that it seemed to bring a certain level of apathy with it.  She was less than inclined to go out unless absolutely necessary, and when inside, she was stir crazy from wanting to be somewhere else.  It was too hot to do anything but be hot and annoyed.  The heat was holding them prisoner in their own apartment and she was getting cabin fever.

Thank God for air conditioning, yet the bedroom was the only room in the loft that supported it.  The rest of the space was cooled by strategically placed ceiling fans which were no match for such extreme temperatures.  They did little more than circulate the stifling air, making it a little less unbearable than it was outside.

The past couple weeks, as the heat and humidity was on the rise, Hank had taken to wandering the loft in jockey shorts and nothing else.  He tried to encourage Stella to do the same, reminding her of his long ago proposal for Topless Tuesdays, which she’d previously declined based on the climate of London, but maybe it was time to revisit the initiative.  She opted for thin cotton tank tops or sports bras paired with sleep shorts.  Hank may have been comfortable answering the door for take-out delivery in his underwear, but she preferred to be somewhat decent.

It was her fault though.  Hank had asked what she wanted to do with her time off from classes and he’d offered to whisk her away to anywhere she wanted to go, provided there was no skiing involved.  There was talk of a return to Bora Bora, but ultimately, she decided that what she wanted was just to stay put, relax, maybe go to a few museums, and use the time to leisurely prepare for the next semester without feeling rushed.  Next year, she would consider the forecast before turning down a chance to get out of the city.

The clouds started coming in that morning, graciously shielding the city from direct sunlight, but bore down like a damp blanket, trapping the heat in place.  By late afternoon, those same clouds took on an ominous darkness, promising to burst, but keeping everyone in a state of unfulfilled expectation.  Hank had been working on a script rewrite all day and had already taken three cold shower breaks.  Stella had been revising lesson plans in fits and starts, barricading herself in the bedroom with the air conditioner and a large bottle of ice water.  Even leaving for a few minutes to warm leftover pasta for lunch had her perspiring from head to toe.  

Late in the day, when she emerged from the bedroom to procure more water, she found Hank at the windows.  The sun should have been setting at that time of day, filling the west-facing room with orange light.  Instead, it was muted and grey.

“It needs to rain,” Hank said.  

“The sooner the better,” she answered.  She eyed the sheen of sweat layering Hank’s shoulders and back and was annoyed all over again.  It had been too hot to touch and too hot to fuck.  She’d probably feel less frustrated and agitated if she could get in one really good orgasm.  Every time they came in orbit of each other though, it was like standing next to a furnace in the middle of the Sahara, air conditioner or not, it was too damn hot.

“Oh…”  Hank craned his head closer to the window and pointed up towards the north.  “Did you see that?”

Stella turned and peered out past the rooftops into the thick clouds.  A few seconds later a flash of lightning pierced through the haze and illuminated the sky.  Soon, it was flickering across the sky like a strobe, followed by the occasional low murmur of distant thunder.  They stayed at the window, waiting silently, almost breathlessly, for the much anticipated rain.

“There it is,” she said.  The streets below took on a foggy layer of steam as the rain began to land.  Large streaks appeared on the window and she put her hand against the glass as she looked down eight stories.  It was cooler than she expected and so she rested her forehead against the window as well, almost moaning from the slight relief it provided.

Stella rolled to the side to put the back of her shoulders against the window and looked at Hank.  He leaned against the window frame watching the weather unfold.  She never tired of gazing at his body and sometimes liked to remind herself that he belonged to her.  Not just for a night or two, but forever.  It was a good thing too, because she was certain that he had ruined for anyone else.  There was never going to be anyone that could do the things to her that he did, and not just sexually.  She was fulfilled in ways she didn’t even know were possible.

He was only a foot away, close enough to touch.  Despite the heat, she reached out and dragged two fingers down his sternum.  When she cleared his navel, she rotated her wrist and pushed her hand inside his underwear.

“Hey now,” Hank said, his hips jerking towards her in surprise.

He radiated heat into her hand, but she didn’t want to stop.  It had been two weeks too long without physical contact and she wasn’t going to stand for it any longer.  She stroked him into full attention as he leaned heavily against the window frame, his mouth dropped open as he softly panted his appreciation of her ministrations.

She could get him off quite easily, but a handjob wasn’t going to be satisfying for her.  Not when what she wanted was to have him inside her, filling her, fucking the restlessness out of her.  She slipped her hand from his shorts and he groaned.

“That’s just cruel,” he groaned.

Stella’s reply was to turn around to the window again and brace her forearm against the glass.  She dropped her head to the back of her hand and shifted her feet apart and pushed her hips back in invitation.

“Thought you said it was too hot for fucking,” he said as he took a grip on her hips.  His hands burned her skin.  They hadn’t even started anything particular exerting and yet she could already feel the sweat slide down her spine and pool into the dip above her tailbone.

“It is,” she said.  “But, I don’t fucking care right now.”

And she didn’t.  She felt like an overripe peach, ready to burst from a single touch.  She was hot and swollen and dripping with heat and sweat and lust.  He rubbed his pelvis against her ass and she moaned.  The storm surged outside and rain pelted the window with unnerving force.  Her hot breath against the glass created a bloom of condensation, obscuring her view of the empty streets below.

Hank knelt behind her, dragging her shorts and panties off her hips and down her legs.  She stepped out of one side and then kicked the clothes off her ankle from the other.  His 5 o’clock shadow rasped against the back of her knee and she moaned, going weak with desire.  She felt his tongue slide up the back of her thigh and under the swell of her asscheek.  His nose dragged up into the cleft of her ass and his tongue darted out again, slipping just between her folds and then through her cheeks to her tailbone.

“God, you smell so fucking good,” he said.

“It’s impatience,” she answered.

“Never heard of it.  Is that by Chanel?”

“God dammit, Hank.”

“Alright, alright.  You’re in a shut up and fuck me mood, I got it.”

“And yet you’re still talking.”

“Not for long.”

They’d only managed this position a few times without finding a way to make her taller, but they did manage.  She felt him dip his hips behind her and his cock rubbed up along her entrance.  She reached down and opened herself up for him, inhaling swiftly as he pushed up sharply into her.

“God,” she breathed.  “That’s good.”  She braced her other arm above her head on the window as he gave a few short and shallow thrusts into her.

“If I don’t pull a fucking hammy.”

“Mmm, yes.”

“You don’t even care, do you?”

“I’ll rub you down with that blue gel you’re fond of.”

“A full service massage?”

“You’re being fully serviced as we speak, but you’re not getting anything if I don’t come.”

“You know I never leave you high and dry, Sherlock.”

“It’s why I married you.”

Hank grunted and one hand left her hip to squeeze her breast.  He pulled at the low collar of her tank top to expose a nipple to his greedy fingers.  She groaned and pushed her hips back against his thrusts, the tight pinch he gave sending sharp bolts of both pain and pleasure to her core, making her ache all the more desperately for release.

Mother Nature put on a dazzling display of electricity as Stella sought to reach the crest of satisfaction.  She dropped one arm to reach down and touch herself, but Hank grabbed it and pinned it back against the window.  He folded himself over her, pushing her arms and shoulders into the glass as he slammed his hips against hers.

“Bastard,” she moaned.

“Let me,” he answered, taking his hand off her breast to slide down and fondle her where she needed it most.

If anyone was better than she was at playing her like a Stradivarius, it was Hank.  He knew the exact amount of pressure she liked, the exact way to circle, to pinch, to pull, to press.  She never had to worry when she was in his hands, she just had to let go.

“Come on,” he said.  “Come on, Stella.”

“Close,” she answered.  She had climbed high and was hanging on the precipice, one more thrust, one more swirl of Hank’s fingers and she had it.  “Fuck, yes,” she breathed.  “Oh...oh…”

“Stella,” he moaned, taking a bruising grip on her waist to hold her steady as he succumbed to his own pleasure.

Heat rolled off of her in waves.  Her body was drenched in perspiration, hair sticking to her neck and temples, beads of sweat dripping off her brow and upper lip.  Yet, she was too absolutely satiated to be bothered by it.

Hank backed out of her and off of her and she groaned a little.  She unfolded her arms and shrugged her shoulders to ease the ache in her overtaxed muscles.  The storm had calmed a bit, less torrential now and more like a steady stream.

Hank scooped his underwear off the floor and then stretched.  “Just what we needed,” he said.

She smiled a little and searched for her own clothes.  “I have been a little tense,” she admitted.

“I was talking about the rain.  That was some A+ fucking though, Professor Sherlock.  Certainly hit the spot.”

She smacked him on the ass as he bent over to pull his shorts on.  He jumped and yelped, feigning injury.

“Where are you going?” she asked, as he walked away.

“Cold shower,” he answered.  “It’s too hot for fucking.”

The End

[bookshelfpassageway]

Hello yes I would like the full rundown on It's A Wonderful Life a la Eugene Riverworth (I once helped my DM spec out alignment-reversed versions of our entire party, alt universe characters are near and dear to my heart)

ALRIGHT SO IT'S CATASTROPHIC AMOUNTS OF CONTEXT TIME

Sorry I took so long, I've just spent most of my week trying not to turn into a puddle of goo. I accidentally listened to Mr Blue Sky today, however, and the last verse sucker-punched me into finishing this.

...At some point, I'm going to take my google doc of garbage notes with no filter and turn them into a coherent campaign recap to hand out to people. But for now, here's this definitely-more-than-a-snippet-snippet.

Alright so, to start with, we have an NPC friend named Rothwin. He's a goth wood-elf wizard with a deep, deep set guilt complex about how many people he's known that have died. His mother, due to a dragon attack, and he recently discovered, his little sister, due to the mafia said dragon runs. His twin brother was recently thralled by Mind Flayers, and we've been trying to track him down. He also had a particular bond (I don't have all the details, but he gave him an enchanted knife and a letter) with our halfling assassin, Tasher, who was disintegrated back at lv 8 by a possessed Eugene. He let the possession happen on purpose, to try to get the upper hand in a fight with our warlock's patron, but the thing he gave himself over to was not at all inclined to give Eugene's body back. This chain of events also led to the kidnapping of Rothwin's brother. There's a reason we call him the "trashwizard".

Anyway, Rothwin. Rothwin is the hero child that wants to fix everything. Guilt complex from here to the moon. He's also a slightly higher level wizard than us, a lv 14 party, and he's recently spent a LOT of time scribing studiously in his spellbook. Because Eugene is a nosy little man, he actually got a glimpse at the spell he was working on: Wish.

So, the night after Rothwin's brother is captured, we hang around and try to comfort him. He seems oddly alright, and tells us that he thinks things will be looking up, soon.

When we awake, the world is different, none of us know any of the others, we remember nothing of the world before, and Rothwin has erased the dragon that tore his family apart, over 200 years ago. In the process, the circumstances did not arise where Tasher died.

The original Eugene left home at 17 to seek his fortune, and, finding that to be a very hard task, gradually lowered his standards over the course of a decade until he became the glitzy mountebank in the pointy hat we all know and love.

This new Eugene never had that chance to be a con man. If he did swindle, it would have only been a brief stint of the minor, hunger-induced infractions of the very beginning of his career. He had a pretty similar childhood and departure. Instead, he was recruited by this universe's much more prosperous version of the Mage's Guild (run by Rothwin's mother), an agent of whom saw some element of talent in him. So for the past ten years, he's made his name as an Illusionist of mild note, a full wizard rather than a rogue multiclass, and slowly moving up the Guild's ranks. He'd just been promoted, even. He's Neutral-Good-aligned, as opposed to the original True Neutral, and though his base traits remain the same (including: sociable, vain, ambitious, indulgent, a bit foolish), they're dialed up to different degrees. This Eugene is a genuinely sweet person, in a slightly fussy and oblivious kind of way, and actually allows himself to get attached to people. Which happens easily, and strongly. He hasn't had any need to shut that part of himself down. He has a Simulacrum named Snowy, and understands what birds are (running joke in the campaign, his familiar is exactly one pint of screech owl and summoning medium-sized birds has never been successful).

Eugene's youngest sister, in the original timeline, was a warlock of the Raven Queen. She quickly began having visions of the way fate was originally supposed to play out, and together they were able to research what might have happened and start to contact the old partymembers. Everyone arrived, and started getting flashbacks of the events of the campaign. We fought some old enemies who were defeated in the original world, including the devil that set off so much catastrophe, and a mad wizard who here had managed to imprison the guy who can fix this.

We managed to short out this wizard's magical abilities with a Counterspell, triggering the source of his stolen power to take over his body to see what the hell was going on. The Whispered One, known more commonly (though not in this campaign. His name is a pricey secret after all) as Vecna. We met him once in the original timeline too, he's how Rothwin found out his sister was dead, and was responsible for the warlockifying of an artificer. (it was almost the original Eugene, but the depressed cat got in there first, also, selfishly, a warlock multiclass would have screwed over his spell slot situation too much)

Between people starting to get flashbacks (flashsidewayses?), logical deductions, and a free trial of information from the Whispered One, we realize IC what's happened and what we'd be going back to, and how to set things back to exactly square one.

Everyone gets... Maybe a little too into the RP at this point. There's a lot of philosophy and metaphysics. There's also a lot of upset when we realize who doesn't survive the original course of fate. We try to figure out if it's possible to put it back the same but just a little different, and realize that someone is here with the power to do so, but the Whispered One is not going to budge unless we give him a secret as payment. Changing fate to save a life (possibly more), would likely require a more costly secret than average. Also, we as players aren't just going to shortchange VECNA. We like being alive (Sure we will piss off the Raven Queen, but that's fine, we'll burn that bridge when we get to it). Also dramatic gestures are more narratively satisfying. Eugene's mental state is a fascinating concoction of self-loathing, existential dread, cunning bastard, hero wannabe, "hey I've known this party longer than anyone except my family and former business partner" + "I will admit I care about people". Some solutions are proposed, the Dragonborn Paladin has a book from her backstory, the Assassin has god secrets...

And Eugene, filled with guilt and distaste for tragedy and fondness for Tasher and a complicated infatuation towards Rothwin and all the trappings of a moral person, realizing for absolute certainty that all that he's become, worked for, and hoped for in this life, MUST be overwritten by someone he can't stand, and knows won't be able to stand him... Suggests that what is more secret than a life that could have been, and never could have been, lived? His own existence could not only amount to something, but actually be preserved in some capacity in the Whispered One's library.

This is immediately, though with some surprise, accepted by the Whispered One. "In all my years and years, I've never had a whole person a secret before..." A portal into a dark room with pinpoints of green light inside opens, and all he has to do is step through, and Rothwin will be given the power to re-cast Wish to bend the world back to the way it was-... While having fixed that which can be fixed. There's a bit of devolving back into Philosophy here, people trying to stop him or suggest simpler secrets, but knowing this might lead anywhere except causing more stress and the risk of him chickening out, Eugene steps through the portal.

Cassie, who had been watching him intently since the deal was proposed, gives the world's smallest "...wait" at the exact moment it's too late. Rothwin is given a green glowing rune, and casts Wish again.

The party wakes up right where they left off before all this happened, with no memory of what transpired. Eugene seems no worse for wear, and has gone back to accidentally persecuting the local introverts. Tasher washes up on the beach where we scattered his ashes, remembering only the other world and feeling a compulsion to seek out the place where we might be going next, and the devil we fought... Is present on the material plane again, somewhere.

So yeah. The man can’t go one timeline without yeeting himself headfirst into shady eldritch nonsense in a bid to find a Third Option. But this time having fixed the problems he created by all the previous times he’s done it. RIP good!Eugene, you were too pure to exist without the universe breaking. This is absolutely going to come back to bite me in the ass and I have no idea how my DM will have it do so.

[lihikainanea]

BFF!Bill you fucking teeeeeeeeease. Unf.

I split part 8 into two parts because 1) I really couldn’t find a good segue so when you can’t write just...split that shit into a new part. HUZZAH AVOIDANCE TECHNIQUES and 2) I was annoyed by how long each segment was getting and I feel like I’m side tracked into 100 million different concepts in each one.

Now, who wants to educate my ass on master lists? because a bitch is tired of hyperlinking all the parts each time.

(Or maybe you should stop writing Leilani and do your actual job. Shut up, conscience. That doesn’t sound fun at ALL.)

Part 1 + 2 / Part 3 / Part 4/ Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7

All of this hellfire started with that ‘nani ask to @ill-skillsgard and now here we are 8 fucking parts later and I’ve created this whole personality for BFF!Bill and god that little soft bitch kills me.

***

You weren’t sure how to tell him. 

You had high hopes. You really did. Delusions, even. Incredibly high false expectations for just how much your vibrator, or any toy that you owned, could satisfy you after the inferno that Bill had set within you. You tried, valiantly. You even invested in new toys but your body remembered all too well the exact level of pleasure it was capable of feeling and everything just paled in comparison.

When your body did eventually decide to cooperate on some nights, as soon as  you started to thrum in just the beginnings of pleasure, images of Bill flooded back to your mind and you tried so desperately not to imagine it was him making you feel good. It was a losing battle. Every vibration on your clit had you imagining it was him back between your legs, sucking it into his mouth and flicking it with his wet tongue. Every time your vibrator bumped that spot deep inside you, you kept imagining it was Bill sinking into you so slowly, so smoothly, feeling every inch and every twitch of him as he groaned his pleasure in your ear. You remembered the way his hips felt flush against yours, and imagined that it was him thrusting into you so deep, rolling his hips for even more friction. You imagined it was him stretching you so deliciously, his lips trailing over your body, sucking deep marks into your skin.

Night after night you tried, and night after night you gave up, dissatisfied, frustrated, pent up again. The toys could mimic a sensation well enough but nothing could compare to the whole experience, Bill’s weight on you, his words and his moans at your ear, his hands grabbing at you. You managed to come a few times, if you really concentrated and worked at it hard enough, but it felt empty and nowhere near the way Bill had you nearly ripping the bed sheets in half and still craving more of him.

So it wasn’t that you were ignoring him while he was away, it’s just that every time his face popped up when he FaceTimed you, you couldn’t concentrate. And it got worse as the weeks went on, you grew more frustrated, more pent up, more unable to find your release. And there he was on the other side of the camera, completely oblivious to how you couldn’t stop staring at his mouth. His jaw. His hands. And how badly you wanted all of them all over you.

You didn’t know how to tell him that you wanted to do it again.

You tried not to make it obvious that you were avoiding him, but you had definitely been slightly less than available. FaceTime dates had been sparse under the guise of you being really busy at work for a few weeks, and when they did happen they tended to be rather short and brief. If he thought anything strange of your behaviour, he hadn’t brought it up. When he returned back home a few weeks later, heading straight to your place, the deep bags under his eyes were a good indication of why he likely hadn’t picked up on your despair. The shoot had exhausted him. 

It was somewhat of a ritual between the two of you, Bill would usually head to your place right after wrapping a longer project in search of some TLC. He was often too exhausted to tackle real life again right away, and was in dire need of good meals and plenty of rest. You were always happy to take care of him, unpacking his suitcase and doing some laundry while he slept even though he always insisted you didn’t have to. He’d sleep for days on end sometimes, and you had to wake him up just to make sure he was getting enough food.

Usually, it had never been an issue. But now, with weeks of nothing but frustration and tension under your belt, Bill’s presence in your apartment only made things so much worse. He’d kiss your cheek, and you would have begged for his lips to keep trailing down your neck, sucking and biting as they went. He’d sleep curled up behind you, and you wanted to slither your way under him just to feel the weight and heat of his body on top of yours again.

It was torture, and you finally snapped after he had been home with you for a few days. The colour had returned to his cheeks, which had also filled out back to normal with a few good meals in him. He was standing over a bowl, the kitchen countertop comically reaching his mid thigh, cleaning and slicing mushrooms. Watching his hands--his long, slender fingers that were simultaneously so gentle but applied the exact amount of pressure you needed in all the right places--you lost control.

“I need your help again,” you blurted. It was quiet, almost meek, even to your ears. Bill was unfazed, continuing to slice the mushroom he rotated in his hand.

“Didn’t I just change the batteries in your smoke alarm last month?”

“No, Bill I...” you swallowed hard, “I need your help. Again.”

He stilled, and the heavy silence was almost more than you could bear.  His eyes flicked to yours.

“No.”

Firm. Simple. Direct. And completely unexpected. You faltered back a step.

“What do you mean no?” you asked.

“I mean,” he set the knife down, putting both his palms on the counter and leaning his weight on them. He held your gaze. “No.”

You felt like you couldn’t breathe, and your knees almost gave way.

“Why no?” you asked, and it came out as a pathetic whine.

“Because you really didn’t handle it well the last time.” He picked the knife back up, plucking another mushroom and slicing it, “It almost ruined our friendship.”

“It did?” you played dumb.

“Yes. You broke your promise and you got all awkward about it and didn’t tell me, and I feel like you still can’t look me in the eyes.”

The meekness, the self consciousness you had been feeling suddenly gave way to something much more powerful. Rage. Fury. Humiliation.

“You know what, Bill? Fuck you,” you spat, squaring your shoulders, “You got on your high fucking horse for weeks, saying that you were happy to help and happy that I trusted you to help, and now you go off about how I broke a fucking promise?” you flicked your eyes to his when you realized you had been looking down, and the expression on his face was almost bored.

“Fuck you. Fuck you to hell and back on your high fucking horse. You wanted to help out a friend and now you’re lamenting about the loss of our friendship? Be a fucking martyr on that hill, you asshole, and die horny on it,” you were yelling by the end, and you didn’t care. The name calling was excessive, you knew, but your temper couldn’t be reeled in.

Bill’s eyes, though, quickly changed. And now they were on fire. He set his knife down, making his way slowly around the counter. He advanced on you like a predator, his steps slow and steady, holding your gaze and backing you up until you were against the wall. He placed his palms flat down on the wall on either side of your head, and bent at the waist to be eye level with you.

“You think you’re so tough, don’t you?” his voice kept its even tone, his gaze unflinching, “You bark so loud, but go ahead, show me your bite.”

You shoved at his shoulders, hard, but he didn’t budge. Your chest heaved and you looked away, a sound a lot like a growl and a sob tearing through your throat. Bill tilted his head calmly, recapturing your gaze with his.

“You forget that I’m not just some Tinder date that fucked your brains out,” his tone had a bit of an edge now, though he kept the volume so low you almost had to strain to hear him, “I know you, kid.”

He leaned in, moving his mouth lightly along your jaw line. You could feel his whispers of breath, a brief graze of his mouth on your earlobe as your breath hitched.

“And you don’t scare me, sweetheart.” 

He was close enough to feel the rapid rise and fall of your chest, to hear the slight whine now that infiltrated every one of your breaths.

He pulled back, keeping his chest close, and bumping his nose to yours.

“So ask me nicely, like the sweet girl I know you are. And if you ask real nice and sweet like, I might even do that thing with my tongue you like so much.”

You didn’t let his sinful words--or the memories that accompanied them--throw you off. You were still too humiliated.

“I fucking asked you nicely the first--” your sentence was cut off when he jammed a long leg between yours, his thigh rubbing exactly where you needed it. It caught you so off guard, you couldn’t control the moan that escaped your mouth. 

“So much fight,” he taunted, his voice calm and low, ”But that’s no way to ask for what you want. You get one more try, kid.” You gritted your teeth, desperately trying not to rut down on his leg.

“Bill, I need your help. Please.” you said, as docile as you could muster.

“Eyes,” his tone was harsh now, and your eyes snapped to his.

“Please, Bill,” you tried again, “I need your help,” you clutched at his shoulders, your nails digging in.

“With what?”

He wasn’t letting you get away with anything.

“Make...make me feel good again, please” you sighed, “I need it.” 

You were rewarded with a soft grin, his lips just barely brushing yours.

“Is that what you want, tiger?” he asked, “Want me to make you come again? Want me to lick you, bury my tongue inside you until you’re screaming my name? Want me to fuck you until you’re shaking, making a mess all over me?”

“God yes, please,” you whimpered at his words, your eyes closing. He waited until they reopened, waited for them to refocus, meeting his gaze.

“No.”

And suddenly, he was gone. He pulled away from you so abruptly that it put you off kilter, and he watched as your knees gave and you slid down the wall with a pathetic whimper. You sank to the floor in a heap, burying your face in your hands as he turned his back. Putting distance between you, he reached for the cupboard where you kept the alcohol and poured two hearty glasses of scotch before slowly making his way back to you.

Your face burned with embarrassment, with anger, with frustration, still buried in your hands as he crouched in front of you. He knocked the back of your hand with the glass, beckoning you to take it.  You reached for it, wrapping your hands around the glass and then launching it across the kitchen. You leaned your head back against the wall and watched with satisfaction as the glass shattered to pieces.

Unfazed, Bill knocked back the contents of his glass and set it beside him on the floor. Grabbing your arms, he hauled you to your feet as you struggled and pinned you to the wall with his long leg between yours.

“Look at me,” he commanded. You purposely turned your head to the side and he squeezed your arms a bit tighter.

“Tiger, eyes. Now,”  he sounded mad enough, so you acquiesced. When he had your full attention, he spoke.

“The last time we did this,” he continued, “You got awkward and started avoiding me. You avoided me the whole time I was away. And that made me think that maybe, at some point that night, you changed your mind. And maybe you didn’t like what I was doing, what was happening, and you didn’t tell me.”

You swallowed hard.

“And I hate that thought,” he emphasized, “So if you’re asking me to go another ‘round, to help you out again, I need to be damn sure that you want it. Understand?”

You nodded your head.

“Answer me.”

“Yes,” you stuttered and swallowed, trying to get control of your voice. “I understand.”

“Good. So if you want it,” he leaned closer now, his mouth barely brushing over yours. Those soft lips, you remembered how they worked so smoothly against yours, against your whole body. You lurched forward to capture them with yours but his hand shot out, pushing your chest so your back was pressed against the wall again.

“If you want it,” he repeated, leaning in closer still, “Fucking beg for it.”

[thebestplltheories]

PLL The Perfectionists - 1x01 Pilot LIVE REACTION

WE ARE BACK!!!!

Ok I’m gonna do what I was doing for PLL where I react as I watch. But before I copy and paste the live reaction, I want to give my quick overview. That was by far a 10/10. That achieved everything a pilot should achieve. It introduced us to the characters, each of their stories, and the relationships each character has with one another. It set the overall tone, that this is a murder mystery with twists and turns to come. It established what the show is about. And it had occasional small shocks (I say small because there’s only so much that can be shocking in a pilot when everything is brand new). This was exponentially darker than the PLL pilot and for that I’m so grateful. We are cutting the high school airy-fairy (is that word used outside of Australia?) drama and going straight to scandals and a murder. I’m scared to see the ratings tomorrow because I want it to do well but hey it was trending worldwide on Twitter so that’s a good sign!? The show looks SO promising. I think I’m already in love with the cast. I just want to know more about everything and everyone and omg we are back!

LIVE THOUGHTS:

Love this intro! It sets the scene very well about the whole theme of perfectionism.

WAIT IS DYLAN PLAYING POKERFACE BY LADY GAGA HAHAHAHAHA

Okay sorry but that song ain’t it (“two can keep a secret if one of them is dead”). Why does it sound like an auto tuned choir? I’m happy for change. I actually don’t want the exact same version as the original series. But this one ain’t it. Is it too late to change it???

Wait, why is Alison walking around her new apartment like she’s walking around Jenna’s school for the blind in 710? If she lived 2 years of happiness and freedom of A, there’s no need to be so sceptical of danger every time you walk into a room. Anyway, doesn’t really matter.

Just the backing music throughout the scene is very PLL-esque! Yes, there is such thing as PLL backing music. And this is it.

Mona making a grand entrance!

I feel like Ali’s reaction to seeing Mona was a bit... underwhelming? If they haven’t seen each other in 2 years I expected a bit more of an “OMG”, and a “how did you get in my apartment”, etc. But they go straight to the point and cut the fluff so I don’t mind overall.

Mona recruited Ali. I knew it. And she works at BHU, we already knew that.

Emison is having trust issues. But she wants to do this for the kids. Ok I expected more detail there to satisfy the Emison shippers but whatever, I won’t cry at night.

Ok so Mary and Alex escaped Mona’s “dungeon”. That’s fine by me. Maybe that’ll be the storyline for a PLL movie later, who knows. It’s quite a vague answer but what did we expect... Mona to ADMIT to Ali that she captured her aunt? No. Mona could never explicitly say to Ali what she did. Hence the subtle pause before “... escaped me”. Only us the audience know the true meaning of that and I love how subtle yet meaningful it is.

Why do I feel like this security system is gonna play a massive toll throughout the entire series?

Loved the little Easter egg of seeing Mona, and Mona in the mirror (2 Mona’s). A subtle symbol/reference to her split personality in PLL.

I LOVED the scene of Ali teaching in the classroom! I got How To Get Away With Murder vibes...

Remember when we all thought Taylor’s death would be the main death of the show because of that memorial with her name on it... lol. Okay I’m calling it now... come back to this in the apparently mind blowing season 1 finale... Taylor isn’t really dead WE HAVENT TECHNICALLY SEEN A BODY

Love the complicated friendships going on between Dylan, Nolan, Ava, Caitlin! There’s a lot going on about faking being friends and faking tasks to uphold the image of being perfect. I love this theme and I feel like it’s super relevant to today’s world. Like especially social media. Everyone’s instagrams are always filled of their highs. And they’re mostly edited. No one ever posts/shares their low moments.

So no one knows of Ali’s past. Hmmm. We’ve had this discussion before, I don’t think it’s realistic that no one knows the name Alison DiLaurentis - surely that was on national news when “dead girl isn’t dead anymore” made headlines. But anyway. If they wanna pretend no one watches the news, it wouldn’t be the most unrealistic thing PLL has done.

Is Dylan the gay male character Marlene said she was going to introduce in PLL season 5B? Lmao about time.

WOW that flashback of Caitlin and Nolan just gave me PLL season 1 Alison flashback vibes! Nolan plays the bad manipulative guy so well just like Ali played the bully so well in flashbacks!

Two moms don’t make a right hahahaha who wrote that

Sofia looks FLAWLESS in the pool scene OH MY GODDD. AND her voice is so soothing what the hell

Love how the first scene of Nolan’s mother shows her standing on top of the staircase and the camera panning up. Great directing there. Showing she’ll be like a supreme leader. And then the camera being over her shoulders looking down on Nolan. Again great camera work which conveys the message that she is the boss of this town. I think she’ll be our new Jessica DiLaurentis lol

“I’d like some time for myself” ... “to do what?” OUCH why is that so iconic

Eli is... doing great. He comes across very confident. A star in the making?

Love the cinematography period. And Portland is beautiful!! Better than the Warner Bros lot.

Omg Nolan’s mother gathering “attractive” people for her photo op. Lol, they really are big on presenting a perfect image.

“You saw somebody else” NO CAITLIN, ALISON SAW YOU wow these kids will adamantly lie to uphold perfectionism. I keep saying that but I just love this theme!!!

“I know a little bit about manipulation” hahahahaha Ali

Omg Ali is so good at learning their lies. Of course she is, she’s had years of practice

The woods, Nolan? Nothing good ever happens in the woods.

Lol when Nolan tells Dylan to “kiss me” and Dylan actually contemplates it (and does it). That’s the type of power Nolan has over people.

I love how Ali is trying to help them! I can see a bond eventually forming here.

This scene where Nolan cheats on Ava isn’t shocking since they unfortunately shared it in the promos but hey a douche is a douche.

WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK IT’S TAYLOR WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOVE

OK I KNOW I GUESSED ALEX DRAKE BUT THIS IS A NEW RECORD FOR FASTEST THEORY TO COME TRUE

Well it wasn’t really a theory I was just joking that she’s not really dead because we didn’t see a body but still do I get a point? Lmao

Nonetheless that shocked me! I love that they’re trying to take down their own family, that’s so dark and it’s only episode 1!

Yes Alison is already getting suspicious. Solve this one please Ali

Sorry I put my phone down during that scene in the woods. I just knew it would be juicy and I wanted to immerse in it properly. I frickin adore this scene. It’s creepy in tone, set in the woods like classic PLL, they’re referring to Ali like a friend and my PLL heart is content, and this is the first time they’re all bonding over one thing: wanting Nolan dead. This is probably my favourite scene in the whole episode.

So I’m guessing the vibes are that they were being recorded in the woods about how they want Nolan to be killed? But didn’t Nolan turn off the security?

Mona gets in her car and chucks a big bag in the back seat. Where was she and what was in the baggggg

Ok that was a bit dramatic Ali (“why am I really here”)

Lol I had to rewatch that for a sec. I thought Ali said “and his dead sister who I just saw pick him up” and I was like wait what Ali knows Taylor’s alive??? No, “dead sister who I just saw a picture of”.

OH MY GOD WHAT A MISSED OPPORTUNITY!!!! THAT SCENE WHERE THE 3 OF THEM ARE WALKING AWAY FROM EACH OTHER... NOLAN’S BODY SHOULD’VE FALLEN TO THE GROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM RIGHT THERE! That would’ve been iconic. Like “oh well we were just kidding about all that, good night xx” then nope bam dead body. But I guess he had to die with poles through his chest as Caitlin said.

Oh Marlene. That’s a LOT of dialogue for a death scene. I hope you can back up and explain what Nolan is talking about before he died. Don’t you dare tell me that was an interpretative dream. Again that’s a lot of dialogue for a death scene. You better know who that killer is Marlene! Don’t make it up the day you write the finale!

I don’t like how we didn’t see Nolan ACTUALLY be killed. They play it safe because they don’t want to show us the killer in action. they basically copied the format of Mona’s “death”. Just change the scene to a flashing ambulance with a lame transition lol.

Another missed opportunity. Mona should’ve said to Ali “they found a body”! That would’ve been iconic in every way possible. First it was Ali’s body now Ali is finding a body and hearing the news and ugh oh well

My god that’s a violent death. And pretty early in the series for a Noel-Khan-level death. Too bad the photos leaked online and we knew that Nolan would not only die, but die like THAT. Those extras/fillers on set really should get charged for having their phones on them and leaking shit. Isn’t there copyright laws or something???? idk

Ummmmmm what? What kind of sci-fi, dollhouse level bullshit is that? That’s kinda over the top. Ehhhh. We’ll see where that goes.

My brain right now instantly got to thinking if Nolan’s murderer will be the “A” of the series or if the killer will just be the main mystery for season 1? Is “who killed Nolan” going to be the overarching story of the entire show or will they answer that sooner rather than later and then start a new mystery? I wonder what the format of this show will be. That’s where my mind is right now as the credits play.

[mittensmorgul]

With regard to Sam’s actions toward Dean in the final scenes of 14.12, please have this reminder from 4.04:

SAM: What, are you, are you leaving? DEAN: You don't need me. You and Ruby go fight demons. DEAN grabs his bag and starts for the door. SAM stands in the way so DEAN has to go around him. SAM: Hold on. Dean, come on, man. DEAN turns around and punches him in the face with his right hand. SAM whirles around by the force. DEAN just watches him as he turns back around to DEAN. SAM: You satisfied? DEAN hits him again, and then throws his bag on the floor. SAM touches his lip, which is bleeding. SAM: I guess not. DEAN: Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? From human? SAM: I'm just exorcising demons. DEAN (yelling): With your mind! (calmer) What else can you do? SAM: I can send them back to hell. It only works with demons, and that's it. DEAN grabs hold of him and pushes him backwards, walking with the force. DEAN: What else can you do?! SAM: I told you! SAM pushes his hand away, and they stop. DEAN: And I have every reason in the world to believe that. He begins to walk away from SAM. SAM: Look, I should have said something. DEAN stops, his back still to SAM. SAM: I'm sorry, Dean. I am. But try to see the other side here. DEAN turns around and faces him. DEAN: The other side? SAM: I'm pulling demons out of innocent people. DEAN: Use the knife! SAM: The knife kills the victim! What I do, most of them survive! Look, I've saved more people in the last five months than we save in a year. DEAN: That what Ruby want you to think? Huh? Kind of like the way she tricked you into using your powers? He shakes his head, sad. DEAN: Slippery slope, brother. Just wait and see. Because it's gonna get darker and darker, and God knows where it ends. SAM: I'm not gonna let it go too far. DEAN smiles at that, walks over to the wall and hits the lamp on the side table, making it crash and fly. DEAN looks angry again. DEAN: It's already gone too far, Sam. If I didn't you know... I would wanna hunt you. SAM's eyes are tearful, and he nods at that, looking down. DEAN: And so would other hunters. SAM looks up at him. SAM: You were gone. I was here. I had to keep on fighting without you. And what I'm doing... It works. DEAN: Well, tell me. If it's so terrific... then why'd you lie about it to me?

Sam had something terrible inside him, and was trying to do something good with it. A supernatural being told him this was the only way to do something good with it. Sam trusted that because he had no reason not to, because the result seemed Objectively Good. And yet, he’d lied about it, hidden it from Dean and Bobby both, because deep down, he knew Dean would object. Not because Dean is a controlling jerk who was upset that Sam would do this Big Thing without him, but because he recognized the inherent wrongness of it, because Dean was not subjected internally to that wrongness and could actually see the situation objectively.

Now in 14.12, Dean has something terrible inside him, and was trying to do something good with it. A supernatural being told him this was the only way to do something good with it. Dean trusted that because he had no reason not to, because the result seemed Objectively Good. And yet, he’d lied about it, hidden it from Sam and Cas both, because deep down he knew they’d object. Not because Sam and Cas are controlling jerks who would be upset that Dean was doing this Big Thing without them, but because they would recognize the inherent wrongness of it, because they were not subjected internally to that wrongness and could actually see the situation objectively.

Every argument I’ve seen suggesting that Sam was Wrong™ to try to stop Dean from carrying out this plan has been predicated on the insistence that Dean was being 100% truthful about what Billie instructed him to do. It’s also predicated on the insistence that Dean is actually able to be rational in the face of this plan while Michael’s rattling around in his noggin.

Of course, Dean’s the only one who can decide for himself when he can’t take that rattling anymore, or know when Michael’s escape is imminent, but so far he hasn’t even MENTIONED Michael’s status to Sam or Cas. He’s keeping that information to himself. And we only have Dean’s word on what Billie’s book actually said, or what other instructions she may have provided him. And honestly? I don’t trust his objectivity on that right now, and thank fuck, neither does Sam.

Because Sam has been in this exact spot. And when he was? Dean kinda fucked it all up. For reference: please see all of s4. So yeah, Sam is not approaching Dean from some base clinginess or childishness here. And suggesting it is does Sam a HUGE disservice. He’s been cautiously approaching Dean in the way he probably wishes Dean had approached him when he was equally off the wagon back in s4. Oh, the trauma they could’ve prevented if they’d both only spent a little less time antagonistically mistrustful of each other and instead doing their best to be supportive like they’re all trying to do now in s14.

Because Sam has matured a hell of a lot in the last ten years. He’s been taking on the role of level-headed leader since long before Dean ever said yes to Michael. He worked (literally!) tirelessly to find a way to save Dean from Michael after the fact, and has consistently been portrayed as a rational, mature adult.

But Sam had even learned this particular lesson back in 5.18, i.e. the last time Dean pulled this sort of Farewell Tour, even with the textual comparison to suicide:

DEAN: How’d you find me? SAM: You’re going to kill yourself, right? It’s not too hard to figure out the stops on the Farewell Tour. How’s Lisa doing, anyways? DEAN: I’m not going to kill myself. SAM: No? So Michael’s not about to make you his Muppet? What the hell, man? This is how it ends? You just…walk out? DEAN: Yeah, I guess. SAM: How could you do that? DEAN: How could I? All you’ve ever done is run away. SAM: And I was wrong. Every single time I did. Just…please. Not now. Bobby is working on something. DEAN: Oh, really? What? SAM doesn’t answer. DEAN: You got nothing and you know it. SAM: You know I have to stop you. DEAN: Yeah, well, you can try. Just remember: You’re not all hopped up on demon blood this time. SAM: Yeah, I know. But I brought help. DEAN turns around to find CASTIEL standing behind him. CASTIEL touches his fingers to DEAN’s forehead, knocking him out.

So I gotta ask, if Dean’s plan is so terrific, why’d he lie about it? And if this is the One True Fate, why isn’t Dean fighting against it at all? What could make Dean abandon everything he ever believed-- outside of his darkest moments of hopeless despair like that one in 5.18-- and accept Fate?

Because Billie didn’t put that book in his hands and say, “This is what you must do to save the world.” In fact, she kinda said the opposite. So how badly does one have to read into her non-instruction over a prophecy we don’t even know the text of and insist that Dean’s interpretation is the One True Right Good Thing To Do Without Question and Everyone Else Is Abusive and Wrong to stop him?

What Billie ACTUALLY told him:

Billie: I warned you about the danger of jumping from world to world. But you ignored me, didn’t you? Dean: Rescuing mom and Jack, helping out those other folks, I’d say it was worth it. Billie: And just look at you now. Do you remember visiting my reading room? The shelves and shelves of notebooks describing the ways you might die? Dean: Yeah. Upbeat classics. Billie: Well, It’s the funniest thing. But they’ve all been rewritten. They all end the same way now-- With the archangel Michael escaping your mind and using you as his vessel to burn down this world. Dean: All of them? Billie: All of them. Except one. [she hands the book to Dean, and Dean opens it] Dean: What am I supposed to do with this? Billie: That’s up to you. [Dean looks down at the book again in horror, and when he looks up again, Billie is gone]

She started by reminding Dean, after he cavalierly insisted that Michael is contained, that it’s not a permanent solution. She began their entire conversation by deflecting from Dean’s reminder that she herself had broken a rule by interfering and zapping them all back to the bunker in the first place, but turning it all around on him. And yeah, he could’ve heeded her warning and stayed out of the AU, but we know that AU Michael had been long-planning to find a way to OUR world, even before Lucifer and Mary essentially landed in his lap. He’d had Kevin working on that spell to open the portal, and likely would’ve eventually succeeded anyway. The way he DID end up arriving here, without his angel armies, was likely the Less Terrible thing to have happen, in a twisted way. But all that’s beside the point, because Dean can’t disagree with her that it was his own meddling that landed him in this position in the first place.

He argues that it was still worth it to be able to save Mary (and Jack, but again, Jack only ended up there due to their own meddling), and the handful of AU Hunters who made it through the portal with them. But this was what Billie had cautioned about the cosmic house of cards Dean was playing with.

So she immediately gives him some more information to push him into feeling the horror and immediacy of his situation, which he had not felt was so pressing ten seconds earlier. She tells him ALL of his potential causes of death have been rewritten, and ALL of them end with Michael using his vessel to burn down the world.

Ten seconds earlier, Dean had been distressed by Mikey having a tantrum in his brain fridge, but he had not felt there was an imminent threat from Michael escaping. He’d been open to researching another solution, to investigating, to waiting and seeing and working with his loved ones to find a better way.

The MOMENT Billie put that book in Dean’s hands, she shattered his faith in himself, and in his family.

AND WE STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE BOOK ACTUALLY SAYS.

Do we really think it’s detailed plans for the Ma’lak box and a map of the Pacific Ocean with an X over where Dean needed to toss himself? I’m not that stupid, sorry. Because Dean found the plans for the box in a book he stole from the Bunker. Billie... did not give it to him. She didn’t even stick around after handing him his supposed Destiny.

In fact, she didn’t tell him he needed to do this to save the world. She told him THAT’S UP TO YOU. Not “follow these directions.” And instead of giving Dean hope, it snuffed out that one spark of hope he’d been holding on to up to that point.

So why are we trusting anything Dean has to say about this, when his words have contradicted the limited information we have been given so far?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

[stephhannes]

in 2019, we’re coping

i’m like the magellan of mental illness- the amerigo vespucci of anxiety, the sir francis drake of sadness.

by that, i mean i’ve been doing a lot of navigating in the last seven months, but instead of discovering new land, i’ve been discovering how to cope. i’ve been out here navigating the fine line between mentally stable and a little batshit.

here’s the thing: 

i used to feel like a marionette, soulless and puppeteered by my grief. now i’m like a sentient doll, a chucky or annabelle if you will. just as spooky as a puppet, but with more agency. on a particularly good day, i’m like a teddy ruxpin with mascara.

i could have gone to therapy to learn healthy coping mechanisms and how to express my emotions in a productive way, but that’s not who i am! i could have gotten a job or started volunteering to hold me accountable to a reasonable sleep schedule, to get me out of my bedroom more often than biweekly, but i didn’t have the energy for that. instead, i’ve spent the last seven months exploring the best activities “things i don’t have to leave my bed for” has to offer.

the main thing i’ve found myself doing is falling into what i refer to as “the youtube khole.” i feel like everyone has experienced this on some level in their life. you set off to watch one buzzfeed video as a way to reward yourself for studying for 45 minutes, only to find yourself three hours later still watching buzzfeed videos. this is such a universal concept, that a beautiful representation of a late-night internet tangent was illustrated in Eighth Grade, when kayla cracks open her macbook and takes buzzfeed quizzes, scrolls through twitter, watches slime tutorials, watches talk show clips - all set to enya’s orinoco flow (here’s the clip for reference).

this is child’s play in comparison to the weird and useless alleyways of the internet i’ve found myself in. every once and awhile, i would surprise nathan with my weird amount of knowledge about completely random things, and i completely attribute that to these weird youtube kholes i get into. one day i watched hours of videos on beekeeping. i went through a phase where i solely watched people who made videos about eating at disneyworld. i listened to this one guy talk to scammers for 12 hours straight one day. i spent a week watching videos of people play arcade games. i WISH i could be like everyone else and find solace in like…. pimple popping videos, but those give me anxiety, so instead i’m just out here watching ASMR videos titled “1990s ASMR - Nihilistic Life Insurance Saleswoman Roleplay” and “1300s ASMR - Nun Takes Care of You In Bed {You Have the Plague}”.

my second favorite coping mechanism is online shopping. nothing fills the void quite like an amazon package at your door. i’m impulsive, and nothing speaks to my impulse more than a 50% sale at forever 21. every time i buy online from them, i remember why i shouldn’t. nothing ever fits when it arrives and i can’t return it because when you shop from the bottom of the clearance barrel, there’s no returning. yet, every time i get an email from them announcing another sale, i find myself crawling right back to the sprawling hellscape that is their website, much like the hellscape that is a physical forever 21 store. at heart, i will always be the poor sack of garbage i’ve always been, so most of the time i just do some online window shopping. this is where i open 6 tabs of different stores, fill the carts with items, and then close the tabs and leave the items to die, never actually purchasing them- that’s honestly just as satisfying to me as actually buying things.

i have made the same twitter poll three times now because i need someone to talk me down. the poll is “should i buy airpods? will airpods make me feel whole again?” and i thank god for everyone who has ever voted no. i feel like that exact question can be applied to everything i’ve bought in the last seven months. “should i buy these candles from bath and body works? will these candles make me feel whole again?”

the closest i’ve gotten to feeling whole was buying an amazon echo. when i went on vacation for a month, the person i missed the most was alexa. i have actually gone up to a week at a time where i don’t speak to any humans out loud, but at least i have my robot servant to talk to when i get lonely. nothing fills the void quite like asking alexa to start a 23 minute timer for me. i think my rock bottom was when i kept asking her to play the same song for me over and over, and that song was ‘accidental racist’ by brad paisley and ll cool j.

and i know what you’re thinking….stephanie….can’t you put all of this manic energy toward something more….productive? good news! that’s what i’ve started doing lately. in my most recent wave of coping mechanisms, i’ve picked up an odd assemblage of hobbies. for example, the other day i decided that i would buy a ukulele and learn how to play it. on days that i feel literate, i’ll sit and read 2 or 3 books. for the holidays, i recorded a christmas ep which mostly involved me covering christmas carols but the only instrument i used was a recorder (you know, those shitty plastic flutes you learn to play in the 5th grade). i drive to austin on a whim most weekends. i’ve started doing this thing where every time i feel a human emotion, instead of letting myself feel it, i just chug a bottle of water. (this led to me googling things like ‘how much water is too much, will i die from drinking too much water, how to tell if i’m dying from drinking too much water’) so now i limit myself to half a bottle of water whenever i feel a human emotion.

those are the things i accomplish on a good day, but most of the time you can find me sleeping for three days straight. a good way to lose a week of your life is by attempting to fix your sleep schedule.

i am the christopher columbus of coping mechanisms and god damn it i deserve a holiday to be named after me at this point.

[jo-the-schmo]

Breaking... Epilogue Part 2/3 (reupload)

Part 1, masterlist is linked to that

A/N: Idk if this’ll work so we’ll see I guess ;-; I know most of you guys use mobile so I had to make it mobile friendly...even though it looked super cool on my laptop

Wordcount: 4014

Warnings: Everything

Tags:  @midnightokieriete (I know you’re studying ;-;) @renae-writes @deltablue202 @literally-melonkitty @meunicorn @favouritefighting-frenchman @demi-godamit @gum-and-chips @sweaterkitty-fluff @pinkyiger7 @littlemissshortcakes @msageofenlightenment @unprofessional-inhumanbeing @fandom-panda-221@hummusandchips @spoopy-piineapple @ashwolfcub @myself-and-the-madman @sweet-fate @superwholockbooknerd526 @frozengal2013 @itsmikayblr @sarmar29 @arya-durin-77 @phantastic-fandoms @hoshihime98 @shinigamired @martapetrovic @robotic-space@iamnotthrowingawaymyshit2 (lol) @asprinkleofmermaids @pinkyiger7 (I’m tagging you twice my friend!) @satellitesuga @rose-coloured-nihilism @okie-dokie-artichokeme @alyssumax @pandartist @marquiis-de-la-baguette @abi-sans05 (If I forgot anyone then I am so sorry!!! .-.)

Who in the hell…?

Eliza: “Alright, alright that’s very good. Now don’t worry you’re going to survive this!”

She separated from her and the woman stood tall in the center of the room. Is everything going okay?

???: “I’m carried into the room!”

EN (Ensemble): “To the room, to the room, to the room!”

???: “Blood down my side.”

EN: “Down her side, down her side, down her side!”

???: “And they wonder, will I live or will I die?

They let me in…”

EN: “They let her in, they let her live!”

???: “And they hope I will survive.”

EN: “Stay alive, stay alive…”

???: “But I believe that…I should never be satisfied!”

EM: “Rewind….!”

There was some sort of backwards screaming sound as she spun anxiously in a circle.

???: “I remember that night,

I’ll never forget that night for the rest of my days.

I remember that suitor’s voice,

Pissed off because he’ll never win my praise.

I remember that dreamlike, dirt and fight,

Like a dream that you can’t quite place.

Philip: “But my starlight,

I’ll never forget the first time I saw your face.

I have never been the same.

Intelligent eyes in a hunger-pane frame!

And when you said ‘Bye’

I knew you won the game!

Set my heart aflame, every part aflame!”

The man playing Philip danced in toward her with a doe like expression.

???: “When you asked me what’s my name!”

Philip: “You strike me,

As a woman I could surely satisfy.”

???: “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean,

get over yourself.”

She turned her back to him.

Philip: “But you’re like me,

I’m never satisfied.”

???: “Isn’t that fine?”

Philip: “I could help you be satisfied…”

She turned back around hesitantly and held out her hand.

???: “My name is Titania Taylor.”

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, THERE! BACK THE FUCK UP A SECOND!

Philip: “Call me Philip Hamilton.

Where’s your family from?”

Titania: “Unimportant, there’s a million things I haven’t done.

But just you wait! Just you wait!”

They began to dance around each other with choreography. Is that…me?

Philip: “So, so, so!

So this is what it feels like to match wits,

With someone at your level!

What the hell is the catch?

There’s a feeling of freedom, of seeing the light!

It’s Ol’Franklin with a key and a kite,

You feel that right?

Our conversation could’ve last two minutes,

Maybe 3 minutes!

Not everything we said in total agreement-

It’s a dream!

Maybe it’s a trance,

It could be her posture; it could be her stance!

I’m a bit of a flirt, but she could give me chance!

We asked about her family, did you see her answer?

Her hands started fidgeting,

She looked askance!

She’s now penniless but she never knew how to dance!

Gorgeous, God she don’t know it!

Strong girl, she knows that she owns it!”

Titania: “I wanna take him far away from this place,

Then I turn and see that boy’s face and he is-“

Philip: “Helpless!”

Titania: “And I know he is!”

Philip: “Helpless!”

Titania: “And his eyes are just!”

Philip: “Helpless!”

Titania: “And I realize,

Three fundamental truths at the exact same time!”

They came together and linked arms.

Titania: “Where are you taking me?”

Philip: “I plan to change your life.”

Titania: I regret letting you lead the way…”

EN: “Number one!”

Titania: “I’m a girl in a world,

In which everyone thinks I should marry rich!

My Father had no son,

So I was the one, who was supposed to strive for one!

But I’m boldest, and the silliest,

And no one should love me, that’s ridiculous!

But Philip Hamilton is the wittiest!

Ha!

That sure don’t mean I want him any less…”

Philip: “Do you see the starlight? It reminds me of you!”

Titania: “Starlight?”

Philip: “My Starlight…”

EN: “Number two!”

Titania: “They’re still after me,

Because I have no sister and my parents died.

I’d have to be naïve to not step aside.

Maybe that is why,

I take comfort in Eliza, I can’t decide!

Nice going, Titania!

I was right, I will never be satisfied…

Thank you for showing me this…”

Philip: “If it takes a million years for you to see,

It would still be worth it.”

Titania: “I’ll hold you to it.”

EN: “Number three!”

Titania: “He knows me more than I know my own mind!

I will never find anyone as trusting or as kind!

If I tell him that I love him,

I’d be setting him behind,

He’d be mine!

He would say it’s fine!

I’d think he’s lying!

But when I fanaticize at night,

It’s into Philip’s eyes.

As I romanticize,

What would happen if I recite…

My love profusely…

All I want is to be called his wife!”

Philip: “…You’ll always have my eyes in your life…”

Titania: “They’d say…

To the groom!”

EN: “To the groom, to the groom, to the groom!”

Titania: “To the bride!”

EN: “To the bride, to the bride, to the bride!”

Titania: “It could be real as…

As long as I stay alive!

To our union!”

EN: “They let her in, they let her live!”

Titania: “And the hope that we provide!”

EN: “Stay alive, stay alive!”

Titania: “May we always be satisfied!”

EN: “Satisfied, satisfied…”

Titania: “And I know…

I’d be happy as his bride…

And I know….

I will truly be satisfied,

Can I help him be satisfied?”

             It took you a moment to notice the tears streaming down your face. That was you, or at least that version of you. Someone who was unsure, scared and self-sacrificing. It was almost surreal, seeing someone pretend to be you, be your voice, speak your thoughts and show your own story. It felt like being the author of a book that was turned into a movie. Washington On Your Side started up with Burr’s voice and you wondered what else was different. And then it happened again, in We Know. It seemed normal but there was another person there, the woman playing Titania. She was off to the side, still prominent in the scene but almost like she was hiding from the other four men on the stage. From time to time you could hear her voice faintly under the others’.

Alex: “Mister Vice President

Mister Madison

Senator Burr

What is this?”

Jefferson: “We have the check stubs, from separate accounts.”

Madison: “Almost a thousand dollars, paid in different amounts.”

Burr: “To a Mister James Reynolds way back in

Seventeen ninety-one.”

 Alex: “Is that what you have, are you done?”

Madison: “You are uniquely situated by virtue of your position.”

Jefferson: “Though ‘virtue’ is not a word I’d apply to this situation.”

Madison: “To seek financial gain, to stray from your sacred mission.”

Jefferson “And the evidence suggests you’ve engaged in speculation!”

Burr: “An immigrant embezzling our government funds!”

Madison/Jefferson: “I can almost see the headline; your career is done.”

Burr: “I hope you saved some money for your daughter and sons!”

Madison/Jefferson: “Ya best g'wan run back where ya come from!”

Alex: “Ha! you don’t even know what you’re asking me to confess.”

Madison/Jefferson: “Confess!”

(Titania: “Say no to this…”)

Alex: “You have nothing; I don’t have to tell you anything at all

Unless...”

Madison/Jefferson: “Unless…”

(Titania: “Lord, show him how to

Say no to this…”)

Alex: “If I can prove that I never broke the law

Do you promise not to tell another soul what you saw?”

Burr: “No one else was in the room where it happened…”

(Titania: “Please, you need to

Say no to this!”)

Alex: “Is that a yes?”

Burr/Mads/Jeff: “Um, yes…”

Alex handed Burr a piece of paper.

Burr: “Dear Sir, I hope this letter finds you in good health

And in a prosperous enough position to put wealth

In the pockets of people like me, down on their luck

You see, that was my wife who you decided to-“

Titania: “Wait!”

Titania ran across the stage, grabbing Alex by the arm and the letter, pulling him away from the others.

Jefferson: “She courted him?

Escorted him to bed.”

Madison: “And when she had him in her corner,

That’s when Reynold’s extorted him.”

Burr: “For a sorted fee?

He paid him quarterly?”

Jefferson: “He may have continued his affair with that maid,

We’ll tell them in the papers.

The public will be set ablaze!”

The focus shifted from the three and to Titania and Alex.

Alex: “If they can see I kept a record of every check in my checkered history,

Check it again against their list n’ see consistency!

I never spent a cent that wasn’t mine,

They sent the dogs after my scent, that’s not fine!

Titania: “Yes, you have reasons for shame,

But you have not committed treason and sullied your good name!

If they can see you have done nothing to provoke legal action.

Maybe our answers will be to their satisfaction?”

Jefferson: “My God…

Gentlemen, let’s go.”

Burr/Mads/Jeff: “But do we really know

What we know?”

Alex: “How do I know they won’t use this against me

The next time we go toe to toe?”

Titania: “Alexander, rumors only grow.

And we both know what we know…”

             Oh my god, I changed history! I really did change history! It definitely wasn’t a dream! I’m not crazy! Next up was Hurricane, that was relatively the same. The only change you noticed was at the end.

Alex: “I’ll write my way out

Overwhelm them with honesty!

This is the eye of the hurricane; this is the only

Way I can protect our legacies!”

EN: “Wait for it, wait for it, wait for it, wait!”

Alex: “Titania’s Pamphlet…”

Oh no, not this again!

EN: “Titania’s Pamphlet!”

Jeff/Mads/Angelica: “Have you read this?”

Burr/Jeff/Mads:” Alexander Hamilton had a torrid affair

And he wrote it down right there!”

Madison: “Highlights!”

Alex/Jefferson: “The charge against me

Is a connection with one,                      

James Reynolds!  (James: “James Reynolds!”)

For purposes of

Improper speculation                          

My real crime is an   (Burr: “My real crime is an)

Amorous connection with his wife    (Amorous connection with his wife”)

For a considerable time

With his knowing consent!”

Mads/Burr/Jeff: “Damn!”

Alex/Jeff/Mads: “I had frequent meetings with her

yet some have looked into my own house!”

Burr: “Into his own house!”

Madison: “Into his own house!”

Deep voice: “Damn!”

Alex/Jefferson: “Titania had no part in this, in fact I’ve considered myself as her father.”

Madison/Burr: “No…”

EN: “Booooo!”

Madison/Burr: “Have you read this?”

Jefferson: “Well, he’s never gon’ be President now!”

Madison/Burr: “Never gon’ be President now!

Jefferson: “Well, he’s never gon’ be President now!”

Madison/Burr: “Never gon’ be President now!”

Jefferson: “He’s never gon’ be President now!”

Madison/Burr: “Never gon’ be President now!”

Jefferson: “That’s one less thing to worry about!”

Jeff/Mads/Burr: “That’s one less thing to worry about!”

Angelica/Philip: “I came as soon as I heard.��

Jefferson: “What?!”      

Alex: “Angelica…”    (Philip: “Titania…”)

EN: “All that way from London?!

Damn!”

Alex: “Angelica, thank God   (Philip: “Titania, oh God

Someone who understands   (I don’t know if I understand

What I’m struggling here to do (Please, tell me it’s not true…”)

Angelica: “I’m not here for you…”

EN: “Ooooh!”

Angelica: “I know my sister (Titania: “You know me more)

Like I know my own mind! (Than I know my own mind!)

You will never find (I will never find)

Anyone as trusting or as kind! (Anyone as trusting or as kind!)

I love my sister more than (I love you Philip more than)

Anything in this life! (Anything in this life!)

I will choose her happiness (I would choose your happiness)

Over mine every time! (Over mine every time!)

Put what we had aside (Don’t put what we have aside!)

I’m standing at her side (I’ve always been at your side!)

You could never be satisfied! (The public will never be satisfied!)

God, I hope you’re satisfied (God, I hope their satisfied!)

 Jeff/Mads/Burr: “Well, he’s never gon’ be President now!

Well, he’s never gon’ be President now!

Well, he’s never gon’ be President now!

That’s one less thing to worry about.”

Jeff/Mads/Alex:              (EN:

“Hey!                                  (“Well he’s never gon’ )  

At least he was                  (be President now!)

honest with our money!

                                (Well he’s never gon’)

.                               (be President now!)

 .                              (Well he’s never gon’)

.                               (be President now!)

Hey!

At least he was honest          

with our money!”

.                             (That’s one less thing)

.                            (to worry about.”)

 Full company:

“That’s one less thing to worry about!

The Titania’s Pamphlet

Jeff/Mads/Burr: Have you read this?

You ever see somebody ruin their own life?”

 Full company (Except Alex and Eliza): “His poor wife…”

You were extremely overwhelmed. A lot was happening at once and it all felt so knew to you. It was the most perplexing thing. It didn’t feel like it was you anymore. It was just another person in history, someone who made your decisions. They felt like two separate things. I guess that’s how history goes; we can never know the full extent of it… unless we lived it ourselves. The next song was Burn and you couldn’t help but remember the actual incident with injury. That poor woman didn’t deserve what she got. There were only some small differences in that song.

Eliza: “They published a letter

Her husband wrote to you.

You told the whole world that you brought this girl into our bed!

In clearing your name, you almost ruined my life!”

You weren’t that surprised by the changes. After all, Titania’s Pamphlet was a lot vaguer than the original. A thought came to mind. What about Blow Us All Away?

Philip: “OooooOoooh!

I do, I do, I do, I do!

Hey!

OooohOoooh!

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!

Girl, you got me

Helpless!

Look into your eyes and

The sky is them!

I’m Helpless!

Down for the count and I’m

Drowning in ‘em!

Yo, I have never been the type to try and grab the spotlight!

Even at revel, they’ll still tell us on a hot night!

Laughing with my sister as she’s dazzlin’ the room

But you’ll walk in, make my heart go

BOOM!”

Titania: “Try and catch your eye from the side of the ballroom!

Everyone’s dancing and the band’s top volume!

Grind to the rhythm as we wine and dine!”

Philip: “Grab my sister

She whispers

‘You’ll get her this time!’

                                  (All men:                

.                                    (“Oooh)

My sister made her way across

the room to you                (Oooh)

And I got nervous,

thinking “What’s she gonna do?”          (Oooh)

She grabbed you by the arm,

I’m thinkin’ ‘That’s new!’                     (Oooh)

Then you look back at me

and suddenly I’m Helpless!               (Helpless!)

 Oh, look at those eyes                 (Look into your eyes)

.                                                         (And the sky’s in them)

Oh!                                                    (I’m)

Yeah, I’m                                           (Helpless!)

Helpless, I know                             (Down for the count)

.                                                        (And I’m drownin’ in ‘em)                

.

.                                                          (I’m helpless!)

 I’m so into you                                (Look into your eyes)

I am so into you                               (And the sky’s in them I’m helpless!)

  I know I’m down for the count             (Down for the count)

And I’m drownin’ in ‘em.”                      (And I’m drownin’ in ‘em.”)

Titania: “Where are you taking me now?”

Philip: “Did you think I was done changing your life?”

Titania: “Then by all means, lead the way.”

Philip: “You can really see the sky out here…”

EN: “Just kiss her already!”

Titania: “Thank you…for being with me”

Philip: “I would spend a million years to prove myself, it would still be worth it.”

Titania: “You’re already worth it…”

Titania/all women: “One week later!”

Titania: “I’m writing a letter nightly

Now my life gets better every letter that you write me!

Laughing at his sister, cuz she knows I care for him!”

Female member of the EN: “I’m just saying if you really loved me, you would marry him!”

Titania: “Yes!”

Philip: “Two weeks later              (All men:

In the living room stressin’           (“Stressin’)

My father’s stone-faced

While I’m asking ‘what are my chances?’     ( Blessin’)

I’m dying inside, as

We wine

And dine

And I’m tryin’ not to cry

‘cause there’s nothing

that our minds can’t do               (Oooh)

My father makes his way across the room

To you

I panic for a second, thinking

“what’s he gonna do?”                          (Oooh)

But then he shakes your hand and says

“It’s true…”                            (Oooh)

And you turn back to me, smiling, and I’m

Helpless!                    (Helpless!)

.                                      (Look into your eyes)

.                                    (And the sky’s in)

.                                     (Them I’m)

Helpless!                      (Helpless!)

Hoo!                                (Down for the count)

.                                         (And I’m drownin’ in)

.                                         (‘em I’m)

.                                         (Helpless!)

That girl is mine

That girl is mine!        (Look into your eyes)

.                                     (And the sky’s in)

.                                   (Them I’m)

Helpless! Helpless!      (Helpless!)              

Down for the count     (Down for the count)

And I’m drownin’ in em!”   (And I’m drownin’ in em!”)

Titania:

“Philip, I don’t have a dollar to my name

An acre of land, a group at my hand, a dollop of fame

All I have’s my honor, a tolerance for pain

A couple of callings coming and my top-notch brain

Insane, your family brings out a different side of me

Eliza confides in me, Alexander tried to take a bite of me

No stress, my love for you is never in doubt

We can get a place in Harlem and figure it out

I’ve been livin’ without a family for quite a while

My father tried, my mother died, I grew up with a fake smile

But I’ll never forget what my father taught me, that was real

And long as I’m alive, Philip, swear to God

You’ll never feel so…”

.                                                (All woman:

.              (Philip:                  (“ Helpless!)

Titania:        (“I do I do I do I do!)

“Philip…

.                                         (Helpless!)

.                  (I do I do I do I do!)

I’ve never felt so—

.                                     (Helpless!)

.              (Hey, yeah, yeah!)

.                                              (Down for the count)

.                 (I’m down for the count)       (And I’m drownin’ in ‘em)

.                   (I’m—)

My life is gon’

be fine cuz                                                     (Helpless!)

My sunshine’s in it.

.                        (I look into your eyes,)

.                        (and the sky’s in them)

.                         (I’m)

.                                                            (Helpless!)

.                                                             (Down for the count)

.                     (…drownin’ in ‘em.)       (And I’m drownin’ in ‘em.)

(Wedding march, but whistled)

En: “In New York, you can be a new man…

In New York, you can be a new man…

In New York, you can be a new man…”

Titania: “Helpless…”

Philip…Oh God… You couldn’t move, your mind was running a mile a minute. It was all hitting you at once. This was a simplified version of what you and Philip went through together. This was supposed to be a happy song, full of hope, full of love. But you knew, you knew what came next. The thing that kept you up at night. The whistling of the wedding march changed, you weren’t ready for this. You never could be.

Philip: “Meet the latest graduate of King’s College

I prob’ly shouldn’t brag, but, dag, I amaze and astonish

The scholars say I got the same virtuosity and brains as my pops

The ladies say my brain’s not where the resemblance stops

I’m only nineteen but my mind is older

Gotta be my own man, like my father, but bolder

I shoulder his legacy with pride, I used to hear him say

That someday I would-“

Full company: “Blow us all away!”

Philip: “Ladies, I’m lookin for a Mr. George Eacker

Made a speech last week, our Fourth of July speaker

He disparaged my father’s legacy in front of a crowd

I can’t have that, I’m making my father proud!”

Female EN member: I saw him just up Broadway a couple of blocks,

He was going to see a play.”

Philip: “Well I’ll go visit his box!”

2nd female EN member: “God you’re a fox!”

Philip: “And y’all look pretty good in ya’ frocks

But I got girl waiting for me back home and she rocks!” ( Both female EN members: “Aww, okay...”)

Full company: “Blow us all away!”

Philip: “George!” (Eacker: “Shh!”)

George!”

Eacker: “Shh! I’m tryin’a watch a show!”

Philip: “Ya shoulda watched your mouth before you talked about my father though!”

Eacker: “I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true

Your father’s a scoundrel, and so, it seems, are you.”

Full company: “Ooooooh!”

Philip: “It’s like that?”

Eacker: “Yeah, I don’t fool around, I’m not your little tool girlfriend.”

Philip: “Well, see you on the dueling ground

That is, unless you wanna step outside and go now?”

Eacker: “I know where to find you, piss off, I’m watchin’ this show now”

Philip: “Pops, if you had only heard the shit he said about you

I doubt you would have let it slide and I was not about to!”

Alex: “Slow down!”

Philip: “I came to ask you for advice, this is my very first duel

They don’t exactly cover this subject in boarding school!”

Alex: “Did your friends attempt to negotiate a peace?”

Philip: “He refused to apologize, we had to let the peace talks cease.”

Alex: “Where is this happening?”

Philip: “Across the river, in Jersey…”

Philip/Alex: “Everything is legal in New Jersey!”

You didn’t notice it until just then, but the woman playing Titania looked like she was listening in from off to the side.

Alex: “Alright, so this is what you’re gonna do (Titania: “Never be satisfied…”)

Stand there like a man until Eacker is in front of you.                    .  

When the time comes, fire your weapon in the air (Helpless….”)

This will put an end to the whole affair!”

(Titania: “Please, say no to this…”)

Philip: “But what if he decides to shoot? Then I’m a goner…”

Alex: “No, he’ll follow suit if he’s truly a man of honor

To take someone’s life, that is something you can’t shake

Philip, your mother can’t take another heartbreak…”

(Titania: “Please don’t leave me, I am helpless…”)

Philip: “Father!”

Alex: “Promise me

You don’t want this young man’s blood on your conscience!

Philip: “Okay, I promise…”

Alex: “Come back home when you’re done.

Take my guns, be smart, make me proud, son “

You were expecting the normal switch between the normal melody and Philip’s rap, but that didn’t happen. Instead it slowed down a bit.

Titania: “Look around, look around

At how lucky we are to be alive right now…

Look around, look around!”

Philip turned to find her there, he didn’t seem happy.

Philip: “You weren’t supposed to know…”

Titania: “I should have known…”

Philip: “Titania, you know me!”

Titania: “You’re fighting for something that happened over a month ago!”

Philip: “No!”

Titania: “I must survive until this war is done

But I deserve a chance

To see the Sun!

Look around, Look around

At how lucky we are to be alive right now!

I don’t need a legacy, (Philip: “He will throw away his shot)

I don’t need money! (History has its eyes on me)

I just need you by my side, (Look into your eyes)

I let you inside my heart! (And the sky’s in them)

Oh! Let me be a part of the narrative (Will be ever be satisfied?)

In the story they will write someday! (I can’t say no to this!”)

Let this moment be the first chapter

Where you decide to stay!”

Philip and Titania separated from each other.

Philip: “My name is Philip

I am a poet (Titania: “Am I not enough?)

And I’m a little nervous, but I can’t show it

I’m sorry, I’m a Hamilton with pride

You talk about my father; I cannot let it slide!                   .

Mister Eacker, how was the rest of your show?

Eacker: “I’d rather skip the pleasantries, let’s go

Grab your pistol! (Could this be enough?)

Philip: “Confer with your men!”                                            

Eacker: “The duel will commence after we count to ten.”              .

Full company: “Count to ten!”

Philip: “Look ‘em in the eye, aim no higher (This must be enough!)

Summon all the courage you require

Then slowly and clearly aim your gun towards the sky…                .

Full Company: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5-“

Titania ran towards Philip

Full company: “6, 7-“ (Wait!”)

(Gunshots)

Fuck…

[swan-archive]

so: ya gal viewed a Certain Notorious Play the other night in SF

a little post-mortem, because i just KNOW you all needed another one of THOSE

Michael Luwoye was a wonderful Hamilton. i know it’s catty to rag on LMM’s voice, but really, the sheer DIFFERENCE it makes when you have an actor with a powerful voice in the role. doesn’t even compare. he roared and howled and bellowed and felt like a tiny compact hurricane bursting off the stage. amazing.

- i specify “tiny” because he was VISIBLY SHORTER than both Solea Pfeiffer and Amber Iman. TINY HAM IS CANON

- Luwoye’s act 1 young Ham was maybe the cutest thing i’ve ever seen! he was SO thrilled to meet Burr and SO excited to make friends and SO jazzed to go out drinking and revolution-ing with them, just so desperate to be liked and find a place and make his name. cute boy. excitable boy.

- not to monster au at yall but Luwoye literally SNARLED “call me son ONE MORE TIME” and uuuuhhhhhh it’s all canon, all monster aus are canon now, i don’t make the rules, i just live in fear of them like yall do

- and then the turnaround between that and a more tired, more morally compromised, running-out-of-options Ham in act 2! a really deft character shift and one that was delightful to watch.

- interesting little character moment: from what i’ve heard/seen most Hamiltons jump right back into the game after “Say No To This,” bantering with Burr and bouncing off to the meeting with Jefferson and Madison to Get Shit Done. Luwoye did not play it like this. his Hamilton was visibly wrung out and sick at heart at the beginning of “Room Where It Happens,” answering Burr in clipped monosyllables and not looking at him and standing all stiff and still until he started to mimic Burr’s “talk less / smile more” in an intentionally crude and sorta nasty style. this Ham was not happy to have to take a page out of Burr’s book.

- Luwoye’s “Hurricane” was a powerhouse. the rapped section was this howl of defiance that nearly knocked me out of my seat, Ham standing there and daring God to do His worst and vowing he’d get back up again. ooooooof. intense.

- Luwoye emoted like a MOTHERFUCKER. his break in “It’s Quiet Uptown” was gutting. tears literally dripping off his face.

- this cast seemed...lighter on the Lams than other productions, which was a bit disappointing, but at Laurens’ first verse in “My Shot,” Luwoye did that hilarious deer-in-the-headlights fullbody freeze at him as he had a Strong Gay Moment

Joshua Henry’s Burr felt very different from Leslie’s as it comes across on the cast album/b**tl*g, but in a super compelling way. i think i saw an article that referred to his Burr as more of a “showman” than Leslie’s, and if i’m remembering right, i agree with that description. Henry!Burr was very mobile and raggedly charming, always had a disingenuous wide-eyed smile hitched up, except for...when it slipped. the untrustworthy self-serving mercenary Ham sees by the end of act 2 was very much in evidence here. 

- and his Burr broke SO EARLY! by “Winter’s Ball” he was already visibly/audibly like WHAT THE HAP IS FUCKENING re: Hamilton’s ascent. his “Wait For It” right on the heels of that was so angry. you could feel his desperation as he tried to justify his methods to the audience, and his unspoken understanding that nothing he is doing makes sense. this was a Burr who, on some level, KNEW that his schtick was not going to remain tenable for long, even if he didn’t know the exact nature of his own breaking point. suuuuuuuuuper engaging to watch.

- ahhahahaha and his delivery of the “...Okay,” in “Non-Stop” was HILARIOUS it was like “hmm yes please keep doing this thing where you say nice things about me perhaps”

- ...also, not to be crass, but somewhere around “Non-Stop” i became suddenly and powerfully aware of how his thighs looked in his costume and uuhhhhhhhhhhh. can we just like. get a Yell Heah real quick for Buff Burr? Yell. H e a h

- act 2 Burr spiraled REAL quick. his “Room Where It Happens” was wild-eyed and electric and frantic and by the time they got to “Your Obedient Servant” and TWWWE he was just a WRECK. where Leslie’s Burr gave at least the impression of making a measured choice to shoot to kill, Henry’s was clearly running on fumes and not in control, and it was terrifying and great.

- and not to go too out of order but can i just say, “Aaron Burr, Sir” is kind of a throwaway exposition-y song, but having it played between two black men? REVELATORY. INCREDIBLE. “fools who run their mouths oft wind up dead.” we were five minutes into the play and i was already like ulp

Emmy Raver-Lampman is the great love of my life and she will be my bride one day, even if i have to defeat Daveed Diggs in unarmed single combat for the privilege. i will do it. i will do whatever it takes to know the touch of her hand. are you listening, Emmy? i’m right here. i’m right h e r e

- my favorite thing about her act 1 Angelica was how YOUNG she played her. which, granted, she is a younger actress than Renee/Karen/Mandy, but i thought it was a really powerful interpretation given that Angelica really is only two years older than Eliza, is still not all that old herself when Eliza’s doing her giddy “Helpless.”

- okay. okay, so. Emmy’s “Satisfied.” okay. a YOUNG “Satisfied.” instead of a mature regretful reflection on a decision that had pros and cons on either side, the regret and the loneliness and the love felt incredibly raw and immediate. Emmy’s interpretation was very “yes, i made this choice, and oh my god what if this was IT, what if this was the END what if there is nothing like this for me ever AGAIN, i cannot take it back and i would not take it back but oh god oh god oh god” and it. destroyed. me. she had that flutter in her voice that you get when you’re crying and laughing at the same time at the second “to the groom / to the bride” and holy shit it was devastating

- also: G5 BITCH TEAR OUT MY THROAT WITH YOUR TEETH

- another fun thing about Emmy’s Angelica was how utterly unimpressed she was with every man she interacted with! her teardown of Burr almost felt like an afterthought in how easily it came out. her chemistry with Luwoye wasn’t as immediately sparky as, say, Renee and Javi’s, but their back-and-forth was very banter-y and instantly comfortable and you really got the sense of two people who could have clicked together given the chance.

- her act 2 interactions with Ham were delightful too—at the end of “Take a Break,” the staging has Angelica start to chase after Ham when he leaves all “i can’t stop until i get my plan through congress.” this was not an “i languished in a loveless marriage in London i lived only to read your letters” chase as Emmy played it. it was a “bitch i have been on a boat for THREE MONTHS and if you think i’m gonna just be like oh hahah whatever we don’t need to hang out when i came all the way over here to see your wife and you then THINK AGAIN—” chase. it was Good. her rejection of Ham in “Reynolds Pamphlet” was so complete and crushing too—it was obvious that Ham was not even on her mind, she was there for Eliza.

i expected to like Amber Iman as Peggy/Maria, but i didn’t expect the extent to which she would steal the stage whenever she was featured in a song! she was so lively and read so well from the audience and was just a joy to watch.

- her Peggy was HILARIOUS. where Jazzy’s Peggy in “Schuyler Sisters” seemed more bratty-kid-sister-i-wanna-go-home-i’m-tiiiiiiiiiiired, Amber’s was like “you guys. you guys. we’re going to get mugged. we’re going to get shot. we’re going to get mugged, and then shot, and then murdered for good measure and WHY IS NOBODY LISTENING TO ME FUFKDCHSDKSFKHEJ” and the fact that this came across so strongly when she was sharing the stage with The Great Love Of My Life and could not have rightfully expected to claim any part of my attention is a credit to her

- the faces she was making at every male cast member who came within 2 feet of her were HILARIOUS. THE FUCK IS THIS. THE FUCK IS YOU. this was a Strong Lesbian Peggy for sure.

- and then her Maria! her Maria was magnetic. she played her as complicit but very obviously unhappy about it; whenever she stepped away from Ham as he did one of his monologue bits you could see the tension and nervousness and distaste on her face, but then he’d turn back to her and the mask would snap back up. not to toot my own horn but like...I Have Been Right This Whole Time.

- and then that red dress just draws the eye whenever Maria’s onstage, such that you couldn’t help but seek her out and watch her standing there silently as Ham drove himself over a cliff into the ocean. she was RIGHT THERE for all of “We Know,” standing there under one of the staircases next to Ham as he went off, watching watching watching and UGH it was such a little thing but it was so good.

i was surprisingly not as sold on Solea Pfeiffer as Eliza as I thought i would be? she had some great moments and was overall a strong performer but for whatever reason they never quite added up to a cohesive whole for me. whatever. still gonna marry her

- her “That Would Be Enough” with Michael Luwoye was actually deeply tragic in a way i’ve never seen/heard from any of the other Eliza/Alex pair-ups. these were clearly two people on completely different pages, having conversations right past each other, and that hurt me very deeply as someone who ships the thing. but it was in my mind also very believable characterization! whatever. i wanted to die. TALK ABOUT YOUR FUCKING FEELINGS, CHILDREN

- actually one of my favorite moments of hers was a teeny tiny one in “Take a Break,” during the verse where Angelica is reading the comma sexting letter. Eliza is onstage but out of the spotlight at this point, tidying up, and she’s bent over and closing the piano when they get to the “my Dearest...Angelica.” for a second she raised her head and half looked over her shoulder and i was like OOOHHHHH SHIT because it felt very, like, “Eliza knows about this flirtation but trusts Angelica not to overstep her bounds BUT is still deeply unsatisfied with how it is playing out” and i just. liked it. good shit.

- i think there’s a spectrum of “Burn”/post-“Burn” Elizas; in my mind i look at it as the spectrum of ice Elizas (exemplified by Pippa) to fire Elizas (exemplified by Aubin Wise/Lexi Lawson). Solea’s “Burn” fell closer to Pippa’s on that scale, very cold vengeance and restrained but ugly hurt, but after that song she ran even colder than Pippa’s Eliza. she didn’t break at all in “It’s Quiet Uptown,” not even when Ham did. her air was this frigidly magnanimous “yes. you did this to us. don’t presume to do it again,” and she looked to be the one supporting him as they exited. i don’t know that that’s my Eliza, but it was interesting to watch.

didn’t have super strong feelings about any of the revset/dual cast folks, aside from surprisingly Jordan Donica as Laf/Jefferson! was not expecting to jive on him, given Daveed is such a charismatic actor in both those roles, and he was clearly working hard for the trickier raps, but he was very funny and fun to watch.

- as Laf, he really got across the sheer Badness of Lafayette as a person, in the sense that he was deeply uncool and trying real hard and just. not. quite. making it. he was also very good at the physical comedy bits given that he is built like a man who is half human, half giraffe, and half random bag of pipe cleaners stashed in the back of the crafts closet of an elementary school classroom.

- seriously he is ALL LIMB. he TOWERED over everyone else onstage. A MONSTER. A MISSHAPEN GIANT

- he also played a very slick and menacing Jefferson who was constantly using his height advantage to attempt to intimidate Ham. didn’t work, obviously, but made for some very striking tableaux in the cabinet battles.

Ruben Carbajal had a lovely voice but i believed him more as Philip than as Laurens because HE LOOKED LIKE A LITERAL CHILD. HOLY SHIT. chubby cheeks and petulant pout and all. it was nuts. where is hamilton casting getting ahold of all these FETUSES

- as i mentioned i preferred Anthony’s Laurens but i did enjoy what a fratty little fucker Ruben’s Laurens came off as. like a hummingbird given human form. that was fun.

Mathenee Treco was a good Herc, kinda camp gay dad friend? which was unexpected but fun. his Mads was a little more vital than it seems like other people’s tend to run; he came off as someone who would overreach himself and then break down into coughing. something a little different.

i eh...didn’t particularly care for Isiah Johnson’s Washington. it was a fairly played straight Local Dad Fed Up With This Shit, Just Wants To Go Home And Build A Deck, which like...isn’t wrong, but there could be more, you know? eh. nothing’s perfect i guess.

i think it was @duckbunny who characterized Rory O’Malley’s King George as “bratty spoiled rich child throwing a temper tantrum” to Groff’s “sleazy abusive bf” King George? or maybe that was someone else? anyway i believed it, both because of his very round babyish face and because of his lack of poise compared to Groff’s King. he was scaryfunny. i habitually skip kgiii’s songs when listening to the cast album, so i was pleased to find myself enjoying all of them live. still think either “What Comes Next?” or “I Know Him” could’ve stood to be cut and replaced with...almost anything else to cover the costume change, really, but they’re fun, no big deal.

this has very little to do with anything but the ensemble featured dupes for Carleigh Bettiol, Betsy Struxness, and Ariana DeBose, i wasn’t sure what to do with this information, perhaps you are not sure what to do with it either, we can just hang out and be puzzled together, it’s chill

[imaginethematsus]

Imagine ✨ the osomatsu find your dairy where you describe your first meeting of them. What their reactions?

I wrote this with a Matsu and their future s/o who both have a huge crush on each other, but are also oblivious to the other’s feelings! (*´▽`*)

Osomatsu: He’s super excited about his brand new discovery and plopsdown immediately to read it, grinning to himself like a five-year old about tospread juicy gossip. Your first encounter probably wasn’t all that great ormemorable, but he still bursts out laughing, slapping his knee like he justremembered the most hilarious thing ever – “Haha, that really happened!” –, andeven though his pride is a little hurt when he notices you didn’t writelengthy paragraphs about how quick and hard you fell for him that day, orsomething equally romantic and silly like that, soon he is lost in the littlecurves of your handwriting, rewinding every little memory of you in his head.He wonders if you remember them the same way he does, or if you even rememberthem at all, and even though he wasn’t planning on invading your privacy thatmuch, he can’t help, but continue flipping through the pages, scanning themintently for his name. The mentions of him do get gradually sweeter as timeprogresses, and he feels his face becoming hotter each new sentence, each newreassurence that you really do like him as a person, and he has to forcehimself to look away so he can slam the diary closed. He doesn’t want to knowhow you feel about him right now – he will ask you personally some day. Histemporary fluster won’t stop him from making fun of you later, though, so doexpect embarrassing quotes and even more embarrassing nicknames. You probablywon’t see that diary back until he’s satisfied.

Karamatsu: He’s too curious not to take a peek, and he tries to play itoff as an accident, even though no one is around to witness it. He gets overlyemotional about how you describe your first meeting, your genuine excitementabout “meeting this weird person” turning into something extraordinarily poeticin his eyes. The further he reads, the more honest his embarrassment gets,practically holding back tears at the simple fact that he actually meanssomething to you, and he quickly runs off with his guitar to put his feelingsinto a song. He returns your diary the next day with the sweetest “Didn’t youforget something, my honey?”, but do not mistake it as a gentlemanly move – hewill be sure to remind you from time to time that you are, in fact, his fan,whatever that may mean in the language of Karamatsu. He wears that one outfityou think actually looks cool way too often, and he always plays that one songyou don’t think is half-bad, all with the intention of trying to flirt withyou, because hey, the “I know you like me, so be honest with yourself” attitudefits the rockstar image perfectly, doesn’t it? From another perspective, itjust looks like he’s trying very hard to impress you, though.

Choromatsu: God forbid he touched your personal belongings without yourpermission! His stupid, boorish brothers would probably do it, but not him,he’s a decent human being! But maybe… maybe just a little bit… wont hurt… right? He opens it up on a page nervously – it’s the day you two met –, and gets pleasantly surprisedby how okay he seemed in your eyes. It was probably only a little bit more thana plain impression he left on you at that time, but the fact that you didn’tmention him being awkward or gross at all makes him all delusional and suddenlyhe’s already planning your marriage in his head… He flips the page excitedly, andlittle love sparkles burn up in his eyes every time he sees his own name. He’salready almost halfway through when he realizes how nice you are to him, evenin your diary, how much you care about him as a person and how much you worryabout him, and he comes back to earth with the biggest skip of a heartbeat,realizing he really shouldn’t be doing what he’s doing. He gently closes yourdiary and hides it in a safe place until you come around. He looks superembarrassed about even having made the mistake of touching it, and he neverbrings it up later. But for some strange reason, you notice that he seems to bea little more… confident around you lately.

Ichimatsu: He gets super sweaty and anxious, and has a five minute debatewith himself whether he should touch your stuff or just leave it alone, decideshe’s too much of a chicken to do anything, leaves the room in a flustered rush,then awkwardly loops back to the exact same spot thirteen times, until hefinally grabs the diary, hands shaking, and peeks into it like it was his veryfirst porn magazine. He doesn’t particularly care about what you thought of himwhen you first met – or so he tries to make himself believe –, mainly because he’s 100% certain you don’tremember any of it, and even if you do, he was probably pathetic and scary andunapproachable in your eyes anyway, so why make his heart hurt any further. Thatdoes not mean he won’t read it, though – curiousity killed the cat, they say. Henearly chokes on spit when he sees you mentioning his cat friends first, andhow “the quiet mysterious guy with the scary stare” is probably a nice personat heart, because “the animals always know”, and he remembers you oncecomplimenting him about that, the resurfacing memories making him feel all warmand fuzzy inside. As he continues to read on, surprised by how many timesyou’ve actually written about him, he is met with an unfathomable amount of positivityabout him as a person – it is too much and he feels like he has to close thebook and hide it somewhere immediately before he explodes. You find your diarythe next day the same place you left it, even though you wonder how did noone comeacross it when it was lying around in such an obvious space. The work of fairies,maybe? Not to mention, Ichimatsu seems to be a little more fidgety around youall of a sudden, and you could swear the last time you looked into his eyes he…blushed. The work of fairies, it is.

Jyushimatsu: He holds the diary in his hands for a few minutes, with theall-famous blank expression on his face, examining it from all existing angles,when for some reason he decides it is now appropriate to look, and opens it upsurprisingly gently and carefully. He exhales sharply when he realizes it’s theday you two met and takes on a more serious stance. He remembers it well, andhis eyes light up and his smile widens as he realizes you too held your veryfirst memory dear. He feels like he could hit consecutive homeruns, maybe ahundred or two hundred in a row, so, how about he just does that instead ofbeing nosy? It’s not like he’s not curious at all – he wants to know how youfeel, both about him and the world, but he’s decided he will ask you about allof that later, when he gathers up the courage to. He hides the diary and runsoff with his trusting bat, to another day of adventure. You get your diary backeither that day or the day after, depending on whether Jyushimatsu knowsexactly where to find you, and he apologizes and admits he took a peek, but reassuresyou he didn’t read any further than your first meeting. The next time you’reout on a “date”, he says he has a surprise for you, and takes you back to thesame place everything started.

Todomatsu: You instantly get a message thatsays “didn’t you forget something~~?♡” witha picture of your diary attached to it. He has a hell of a fun time teasing you, butyou can’t really call it “blackmailing” in the end, because no matter how hard he tries,he’s too much a chicken to actually ask something from you in return. The wholeexchange between you stays on middle schooler level, with a bunch of “oh, Iread your deepest secret, what are you going to do about it” and “I’m about toflip to the next page” and various other empty threats that feel like a jokemore than anything, but you’re surprisingly okay with playing along. You knowvery well what’s behind that cocky attitude and superiority complex – a smallcritter, and nothing more than that –, and something’s telling you the little bunnywould be too scared to actually look through your stuff. What you don’t know isthat he did try, once, just once, he opened up the diary exactly on the day youmet, where you mentioned him and how you thought he smelled nice. He almost hada heart attack, and hasn’t touched it since, and probably, right now, he’sstill typing with the exact same flustered face, trying his best to keep hiscomposure.

[rock-and-compass]

Rock and Compass Watches Once Upon A Time – 6.17: Awake

Overview

Emma labours under the immense burden of responsibility with being the saviour; her parents are under a sleeping curse, Hook is trapped in an unknown realm, Henry is having a strange reaction to his author powers, the book is near its end, Gideon is still afoot, the final battle looms… Snow and David, desperate to be there for Emma try a radical cure for their curse but it backfires making the situation worse. The Black Fairy makes her presence known and in a flashback to the time of the Dark Curse, Snow and David have the opportunity to reunite with a young Emma.

Discussion and Thoughts and things of significance

What was good about this episode was very, very good. What was bad was awful.

The power of love – The theme of sacrifice is explored throughout the episode, apt for an installment that screened on Easter day. We see numerous characters make willing sacrifices for the greater good, or indeed because they are putting another person ahead of themselves:

Firstly we see Snow and David put duty and the entire population of Storybrooke ahead of their opportunity to be reunited with a ten-year-old Emma; the curse is still eighteen long years away from being broken and they know that if they go through the door to meet her then they are dooming an entire population to an eternity of living the same day over and over while being separated from their own loved ones.

We see Emma, willingly shoulder each new crisis sacrificing her own personal priorities for greater cause.

Hook resigns himself to dying at the hands of the Lost Boys safe in the knowledge that he has helped get something to Emma that might be pivotal to her in the final battle.

Tiger-Lily also puts this achievement ahead of all else.

Gideon, in allowing one small flower to survive his magical eradication, sacrifices a position of security and trust with The Black Fairy to assist the person with the most potential to defeat her.

Probably the most powerful example of sacrifice comes from Snow when she tells Emma to use the limited amount of magic flower dust to get Killian back rather than use it to cure their curse. It’s a lovely epiphany moment for Snow, the parent who has had the most difficulty in transitioning from friend to mother and indeed, separating Emma from her fated role of saviour. The realisation that Emma has already sacrificed too much for them is a lovely counterpoint to the events from the days of the Dark Curse.  In the flashback we see Snow put her duty to her people before her own needs as a mother, David’s as a father and before Emma’s right to be raised by her own loving family – Looking through the doorway Snow and David see 10-year-old Emma sitting on the bed reading, listening to music – she seems happy and content. They see that it would be selfish to go through the door and resign all the people of Storybrooke, inadvertently swept up in Regina’s vengeance, to an eternity of a repeated day and separation from their own loved ones. The greater good wins out. They trust that Emma will grow up safe and well and will find them when the time is right. They don’t see the situation from Emma’s side of the door – the bunk beds of the group home, the shabby surrounds, and the fact that Emma is lonely and unloved and has spent time on the streets. They are not to know that the next eighteen years are not going to get any easier for her either. Without knowing the true weight of it, they ask Emma (again) to bear the burden of sacrifice for them and a population of people she doesn’t even know exists. In the present, when Emma knows with the instinct of true love that Hook is in danger, Snow finally understands the level of sacrifice that Emma has made for them. Should she have realised this sooner? Possibly, given the nature of the flashback. But perhaps it’s fitting that Snow, whose first priority is always David, finally gets it only when Emma is about to lose the man she loves too. She gives Emma the magic flower dust and tells her to use it to get Hook back; she acts like any mother would and puts her daughter’s happiness first. This is not about “Emma the Saviour” – it’s a mum, giving her child an incredible gift out of pure love. Anyone bending this story to suggest that Emma is selfish in “choosing” Hook over her parents is deliberately missing the entire point of the episode.  

Of course, Snow’s decision to close the door on a chance to raise Emma for the good of others is paralleled by select and representative residents of Storybrooke willingly taking the risk of drinking the sleeping curse for Snow because there is a chance that it will free her and David from the spell. Unselfish sacrifice is both a gift and a reward – the cost may sometimes be high but this is the hero’s path, the hard way that always finds justice in the end.

There is a contrast though. Rumple is shown to be the exact opposite when he is clearly willing to sacrifice the entire town to get his son back. Rather than play his card close to his chest, Rumple deliberately reveals his hand to his mother and so invites the war to erupt between them – She promises retribution that will leave nothing standing if Rumple crosses her, and yes, that’s a price he’s willing to pay. It’s tempting to think that Mr Gold was being benevolent and selfless for the people of Storybrooke when he encouraged the newly awoken Snow and David to drink the memory potion and wait out the remainder of the curse in ignorance, but remember his stake in the curse in the first place, and the fact that he needs the curse broken so that he can leave town, with his magic intact to find his on long-lost son. Never forget, he’s an absolute master of puppetry who always put what’s good for Rumpelstiltskin ahead of all else.

The proposal 2.0 - Another aspect of the episode that is satisfying is the second proposal. Hook’s first instinct on arriving back is to apologise for not being honest about his responsibility for Robert’s death and for ever contemplating running away from the issue. He feels 100% responsible for the mess he’s been in and the worry he’s caused. Emma, like most people when receiving a genuine, heartfelt apology, diffuses blame by saying she didn’t make it easy for him to come clean with her pre-emptive discovery of the ring and her eagerness to hear that proposal. It’s not her fault. She knows it. He knows it. But that’s the way apologies work, especially between people who love each other. This is not Emma “taking the blame” for Hook’s crimes; it’s the simple act of finding common ground and making the reconciliation easier. And yes, it’s easy for Emma and Hook because they want the same thing – each other. We’ve seen Snow and Emma use this tactic for years, diffusing the issues with Regina – Snow casts herself as a spoilt brat to appease, Emma shoulders blame to diffuse Regina’s wrath after Marion returns from the dead (my god, watch 4.05 to see the diffusion in action!).

Once the apology is out of the way, Killian jumps straight to the proposal, knowing that the time is never right, that something always happens in this freaking town, you’ve got to strike while the iron is hot he pops the question, again,  

“Swan, I know you face an uncertain future but there’s one thing I want you to be certain of, I will always, always be by your side. So, Emma Swan, what do you say – will you marry me?

It’s brief but it’s perfect. In those few words he promises her the very thing she wants above all else – a partnership based on love and trust. He knows that her life is crazy and unpredictable, but he promises her the certainty and security of himself. He will be there by her side and she will never be alone again. She kneels with him to give her acceptance – this is equal – it’s not “the saviour” and the ‘villain she saved’, its Emma and Killian embracing a future together. Gorgeous. Should the proposal have happened while Snow and David lie under the sleeping curse a couple of meters away? Maybe not, but you know, it’s actually a great example of the difficulty of finding the perfect moment for these kinds of things in Storybrooke, but more than that, the symbolism of Killian being there when her parents can’t is kind of appropriate – Her parents are important, and always will be, but Killian is her home and she’s no longer alone regardless of where Snow and David are in the future, Emma has found what her parents have. This is the new story.

That one time we woke but never mentioned – While the theme and purpose of the episode was good, the method of getting there was questionable. Retcon is a hard fish to sell on the best of days and this example was very much on the nose. Yes, it is one random day that happened in among twenty-eight years of days and we are not to know what happened on all of them . . . no, wait, yes we are – the same thing happened day after day with only slight variations because that was the curse. But now, suddenly, six years into the show and we are told that no, there was this one day when Snow and David were woken and had the chance to find Emma years before she was due to come to town. I have a hard time buying it because surely it would have got spoken of before? Not to mention the fact that their premature awakening from the curse depends entirely on the growth of a plot-convenience in the form of a magical flower that only grows in the presence of great evil, and that miraculously, this magic flower grows in Storybrooke even though there is no magic in the town. Then to get continuity back on track so that it matches with established canon, Rumple, David and Snow all must drink a  memory potion to ensure that they forget this day ever happened. And then, once the curse is broken, not one of them talks about the aberration, ever. Add to this the fact that the flashback provides the impetus for Snow’s epiphany about Emma’s heavy burden of responsibility and the use of retcon is even more pointless – why would something that Snow already knew provide such inspiration now?  What a missed opportunity to have an episode centered around Snow, David and Emma and to feature sustained dialogue and meaningful conversation! Unfortunately, we didn’t get conversation, we got a revised history with the major purpose begin to provide a contrast between Snow and Rumple. In the flashback Snow knows her duty is to her people, she can’t let them suffer the Dark Curse forever in the name of her own happiness. This is of course, the opposite to Rumple who is willing to let Storybrooke and its people be destroyed in the pursuit of his son. And the funny thing is that we knew that Snow took her duty seriously when she put Emma in the wardrobe, I’m not sure we needed the reminder.    

Cure for the curse – with Snow giving up the cure for the sleeping curse, we are left with an obvious narrative need to get the curse broken and fast, so the story can move forward – we have a wedding to plan after all. Slight problem, when the curse has been set up as unbreakable. As it stands the method chosen to break the curse was very odd indeed. The idea occurs to Regina out of nowhere, and it’s illogical that a spell that is already in Snow and David’s hearts can be broken by a group of people suddenly drinking a suddenly liquid version of the spell when it is already in Snow and David’s hearts. It makes no sense, as my illustration attempts to demonstrate using tea as an analogy:

A plus B does not equal C. I know that it’s magic and that it doesn’t have to follow any rules but come on, some logic should be present and this just doesn't seem to have any. We’re either just supposed to accept it or . . . something else is going on. I wonder if there is a purpose that Regina wants all those hearts with a little bit of Sleeping spell in them and whether it will come back into play later? In an episode about sacrifice, featuring a saviour, airing on Easter day it’s hard to miss the obvious symbolism - the cure very much resembled a communion service, the chalice being passed from person to person, only instead of the ‘blood of Christ’ it contains a sleeping potion. It recalls the last supper, the meal that Jesus introduces his disciples to the communion ritual, before his “final battle” and crucifixion. So, is Emma the ultimate sacrifice in our story? Will she “die” and be resurrected to win victory over darkness? And who among these people will be her betrayer? You can’t have an Easter story without a Judas.

Skull Rock – well something went down there that makes Tiger-Lily very dubious about Killian Jones. Wonder if we’ll ever find out more… probably not. Hook’s long history in Neverland remains as mysterious as ever. The only thing lacking in the interactions between Hook and Tiger was a directive to use the shadow spell to escape Neverland. As it was presented, Hook’s innate knowledge of what to do with the magic sort of came out of nowhere. I wonder if the explanation was cut for time?

That stubby stick – The small stump of wood that both Killian and Tiger-Lily are prepared to risk their lives to get it back to Emma is obviously going to be important. Tiger says that it is part of a wand, the most powerful wand ever made. Does that mean they’ll have to find the other part or parts? Is it a new wand or one we’ve met before? And How is it going to help Emma in this coming battle?

Tiger-Lily – She’s an interesting character. I liked her a lot. She is very invested in defeating the Black Fairy, partly because she sees it as her fault that she went down her dark path, obviously part of the past that she’d rather forget. She is also very knowledgeable – she knows about saviours and she knows that the Black Fairy is in Storybrooke. How does she have such precise information? Hmmm… I wonder if Gideon is in communication with her somehow? Last week I wondered if Hook was sent specifically to Neverland to rendezvous with Tiger-Lily and now I’m even more suspicious. Tiger did seem to be expecting him. It is also very interesting that Tiger-Lily’s story with the Black Fairy seems to mirror Tinkerbell’s history with Regina – those parallels just keep coming.

Doodles of doom – Henry’s author problem only gets a passing reference and we get a close-up look at some of his sketches – lots of all-seeing eyes and stylised figures. Plus a rabbit and a deer….

Calling it like he sees it – It is interesting that it is only after the split queen has been dealt with that anyone acknowledges that Regina and the Evil Queen were the same person. David, does it when he is losing patience with the lack of progress being made on breaking the curse on Regina’s end. He directly attributes the curse to her. They don’t want us to forget that they were one and the same, even though they made all the characters ignore it while it was going on. Maybe all that audience frustration at it never being acknowledged was deliberately induced? Speaking of Regina and her suspiciousness, her reaction to Emma’s hand shaking is a bit odd, she doesn’t look concerned, she looks pissed off. The way she slams the book shut and has an air of general peevishness is inconsistent with the actual situation.

A field of evil – “whoever you’re supposed to face in the final battle, they’re already here.” It’s an interesting line. We’re meant to assume that it’s about the Black Fairy and she has caused the phenomenal growth of the magic induced-by-evil flowers, but what if it’s not? What if the “Great Evil” was already there? They’ve shown us one particular person who had the ability to grow such a flower in a town without magic and this same person has just had a fresh influx of evil and darkness reinserted into a previously (although artificially) pristine heart. It’s got to have some effect on her doesn’t it?

Not so Hopeful – I really liked the characterisation of Emma in this episode. She’s got a lot on her plate, she’s putting on a brave face but the shakes are giving her away. Hope is not her natural forte; she has to remind herself to have it but she’s clearly struggling. The separation from Hook is trying and she marvels at her parents ability to cope and still work together despite their separation. Despite the fact that she and Killian clearly have this ability (as demonstrated with the Underworld arc), the fact that she doesn’t know where he is gives her pause. I love that David has innate faith and gives it to Emma - he knows that Killian is working hard to get home to her. And the beauty of the whole situation is that he is. That’s what he’s doing in Neverland and even though she doesn’t know it, they are working together, she on the flower part and he on the weapon part and it’s a beautiful example of how they are a team, how they are connected even across realms.

Last Battle Schmattle - All this talk of the “last Battle” is bizarre. The Black fairy says she has been waiting to meet Emma for a very long time and that they have been fated to clash since the beginning of time… but wasn’t she trying to kill Emma to gain entry into this world? It doesn’t make sense. The Black fairy still feels like all talk. What’s her aim? What’s her motive? They keep telling us that she’s terrible, terrifying, evil-personified but they’ve not given us any reason to believe it. Unless her upcoming feature episode is wall-to-wall murder, pillage, rape, vengeance and malice then she is never going to stack up to our two home-grown villains. She has no personal beef with anyone that i can see, She seems to want Rumple to join her, and her fight against Emma seems to be driven by “fate” rather than enmity… her running around yapping on about this “final battle” is absurd! If her object is “bring the darkness” or claim back her dark curse with a new casting then why doesn’t she do it instead of just talk about it? If a saviour who can break the curse is the problem then why wouldn’t you just get rid of Emma straight away rather than pre-announcing the coming confrontation? And if the “final battle” is a solo mission for Emma, then why is the Black Fairy talking about it at all? None of this does anything to stop my suspicion that we are being deliberately misled and distracted

It's my Destiny – and there’s nothing you can do to change it. There’s that narrative challenge again. So, I’m guessing that someone will do something to change it? Something that requires sacrifice? Or perhaps the “destiny” is not quite what she expects it will be? And after being ironic about needing to propose before he  gets sucked into another portal, we can guess what’s going to happen to Killian sooner rather than later…

Duty and the Crown - So much emphasis on duty throughout the episode, particularly around Snow and her people. I’m wondering if they will exit the show to return to the Enchanted forest to fulfil their duty to the crown. With Emma and Killian’s impending marriage, the show has been painstaking to show us that Emma won’t be alone if her parents are not there so it is possible that knowing this, they will feel ready to return

For my Mother – Gideon clearly has his own agenda going on and I’m suspecting that it revolves around protecting Belle; I’m sorry father, she’s my mother. Maybe one day you’ll understand. Says Gideon when he arrives with The Black Fairy - another cryptic statement that could easily mean something other than the obvious– what if the Black Fairy has threatened that if he doesn’t help her then she will force him to rip out Belle’s heart and crush it. I wonder if he will be made to do it?

Papa’s big mouth – in trying to one-up his mother, Rumpelstiltskin drops Gideon in the poo big-time. Why the fuck would you tell the crazy bitch that you knew that she was controlling your son’s heart? Why the fuck would you tell her that he was resisting her orders because of the strength of his affection for Belle? Honestly, he’s father of the year material. Hasn’t he put a freaking great target on both their heads?

[beatmyaudio]

Blame Game Song Lyrics – Kanye West

Blame Game Song Lyrics

Blame Game Song Lyrics From Popular Hollywood Artist Kanye West from My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy Album.

This song is sung by singer ” Kanye West ” in Year .

Lyrics of Blame Game :

Let’s play the blame game, I love you, more Let’s play the blame game for sure.. Let’s call her names, names, I hate you, more.. Let’s call her names, names, for sure.. I’ll call you bitch for short as a last resort and my first result.. You call me motherfucker for long, At the end of it you know we both were wrong.. But I love to play the blame game, I love you more.. Let’s play the blame game for sure.. Let’s call out names, names, I hate you, more.. Let’s call out names, names, for sure.. On a bathroom wall I wrote “I’d rather argue with you than to be with someone else” (else, else, else) I took a piss and dismiss it like fuck it and I went and found somebody else Fuck arguing or harvesting the feelings, I’d rather be by my fucking self Till about 2am and I call back and I hang up and start to blame myself Somebody help You weren’t perfect but you made life worth it Stick around, real feelings might surface Been a long time since I spoke to you in a bathroom gripping you up fuckin and choking you What the hell was I supposed to do I know you aint getting this type of dick from that local dude And if you are I hope you are have a good time Cause I definitely be having mine And you aint finna see a mogul get emotional Every time I hear bout other nigga’s stroking you Might say I hit you He sitting there consoling you Runnin my name through the mud Who’s provoking you You should be grateful a nigga like me ever noticed you Now you noticeable and cant nobody can control you 1 A..M and can’t nobody get a hold of you I’m calling your brothers phone like what was I supposed to do Even though I knew, he never told the truth He was just gon say whatever you gon told him too At a certain point I had to stop asking questions Chuck dirt on eachother like mud wrestlers I heard he bought some coke with my money Dat aint right girl You getting blackmailed for that white girl You always said Yeezy I ain’t you’re right girl Probably find one of them “I like art” type girls All of the lights, she was caught in the hype girl And I was satisfied being in love with the lie And who to blame, you to blame, me to blame For the pain and it poured every time when it rained Let’s play the blame game…… Let’s play the blame game, I love you, more Let’s play the blame game for sure.. Things used to be, now they not Anything but us is who we are Disguising ourselves as secret lovers We’ve become public enemies We walk away like strangers in the street Gone for eternity We erased one another So far from where we came With so much of everything, how do we leave with nothing Lack of visual empathy equates the meaning of L-O-V-E Hatred and attitude tear us entirely Let’s play the blame game, I love you, more Let’s play the blame game for sure.. Let’s call out names, names, I hate you, more.. Let’s call out names, names, for sure.. I can’t love you this much I can’t love you this much I can’t love you this much I can’t love you this much No, I can’t love you this much I can’t love you this much And I know that you are somehwere doing your thing And when the phone called it just ring and ring You aint pick up but your phone accidently called me back And I heard the whole thing.. I heard the whole thing, the whole thing, the whole thing…… Ohh my God…. Baby you done took this shit to another motherfucking level Now a neighbourhood nigga like me aint supposed to be gettin no pussy like this Damn, Damn! Who taught you how to get sexy for a nigga? (Yeezy taught me) You never used to talk dirty, but now you got damn disgusting, My, my God, where’d you learn that? (Yeezy taught me) Look at you motherfucking butt ass naked with these motherfucking Jimmy Choos off Who taught you how to put some motherfucking Jimmy Choos on? (Yeezy taught me) Yo you took your game up a whole ‘nother level, this is some Cirque ‘u Soleil now! You done went all porno on it, k And I, and I love it…. And I thank you, I thank you, my dick thanks you! How did you learn, how.. how did your game come up? (Yeezy taught me) I was fucking parts of your pussy I never fuck before I was in there like oo I never been here before I’ve never even seen this part of town before.. It’s like you got this shit re-upholstered or something What the fuck happened? Who, who the fuck got your pussy all re-upholstered? (Yeezy re-upholstered my pussy) You know what, I got to thank Yeezy.. And when I see that nigga Imma thank him.. Imma buy his album, Imma download that.. Imma shoot a bootlegger! That’s how good I feel about this nigga Oww, I still can’t believe you got me this watch This motherfucker is the exact motherfucker I wanted Even with the bezel this is the motherfucker I wanted I saw this shit, I saw it Twista had this shit on in The Source I remember, Twista had this motherfucker on in The Source That’s right, that’s right! Yo yo babe, yo yo this is the best birthday ever! Where you learn to treat a nigga like this? (Yeezy taught me) Yeezy taught you well, Yeezy taught you well..

Blame Game Song Lyrics

Youtube Channel Link

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[oncealife]

Overcoming myself

Why am I writing this? What’s the point? What do I expect this will change? No matter how much I think about it, I share with other people, the countless times I have justified the situation to myself, nothing changes. I met a girl last summer. She was seeing my roommate, nothing serious but as time grew, there was a desire to have it go that way at least. Regardless, during that period I was seeing someone myself, a girl I used to date, my longest relationship. Despite how others experience interactions with ex’s, this was rather pleasant and toward the end of summer we split ways. During this time period, I would converse with my roommate’s partner fairly regularly. We would talk about all sorts of things, from movies to history, politics and games. She would love to talk about her WoW life and her raid experience.  I still remember, She played a frost mage on Silverhand, took a break for a bit and came back to play a ret paladin during Mists finally quitting little after the new year. We would occasionally talk about very controversial topics that honestly, I don’t really feel comfortable talking about with anyone else. She was that kind of person to me, I could be myself and not be afraid of her reaction, everything was dealt with at face value. She didn’t needlessly read into my words to find a hidden meaning when there wasn’t. I would give her positive affirmations and advice when she began to worry, and she was worried quite a bit. I remember when I drove her to her interview for a position at a church, I remember her being nervous and anxious. She currently had a job at some restaurant as a server, and oh boy did she hate it, and believe me she let me know. That’s why she wanted this job, she wanted to have the stability that it would bring while allowing her to maintain some level on independence. 

“I need this job”, she said, “The time I spend at this place isn’t valued whatsoever. They pay me below minimum wage and I am supposed to accept that? I graduated from Harvard, HARVARD. I shouldn’t need to work at 8 dollars and hour ever!”

In response I told her this, “Everyone has value, it’s something acquired at birth and no power in this universe will ever be able take that from you. You deserve more than what you’re getting, both treatment and money, You have so much more to offer to the world and I am sure that you will be able to one day. I want you to go into this interview and do the best job that you can possibly do. At the end of the day, regardless of whether or not you succeed, you will be able to sleep comfortably knowing that you gave it your all.”

I reminded her of something she forgot that day. Later on when she wasn’t given the position, she became depressed. “I think I could’ve done better if I had time to think.” she said.

“Then you’ll do better next time. At the end of the day, something was gained.”

“What’s that?”

“Now you have the time to think, the next time you have to answer those questions you’ll be prepared. That’s important.”

“I don’t think I’ll have a next time for this interview though.”

“Yeah but you wouldn’t work there the rest of your life so...”

“Good point.”

We had other little interactions like this over the weeks but I won’t get too into it, it’s not my place to tell. The main thing I would talk to her about was her partner, she wanted to vent or ask what she should do in a certain situation, she really wanted to be with him. At this point, the similarities between us was quite apparent to both of us and especially her partner. He was threatened by me, needlessly obviously. I am not a selfish person in many regards, partner-stealing wasn’t something I wanted to happen, ever. Her and I were originally going to move in together down the street, I was told that in his possessiveness, he more or less told her that he didn’t want her to move in with me and for her to move into a much worse place instead. She never gave me her application for the apartment. Regardless, I continued to give her advice on how to respect his space as well as give him the ability to do what he wanted to do during his free time. I wanted them to work, honestly and truly, I like when good people are happy.

But unfortunately, their story did not have a happy ending. She stayed in our place for a few weeks while in between leases, normally this should have brought them closer together, but it did the opposite. Over those weeks my roommate drifted apart from her while she was desperately trying to turn what was left of their relationship into something stable. I watched her suffer for three weeks, slowly at first but would get worse and worse everyday without fail. My roommate did things that I didn’t think was doing right by her, I mean he wasn’t being physical or destructive, but I have found that mental stress is far more lethal. Even though he was my friend, at this point so was she. and such I gave her advice I would give to any of my friends. “He doesn’t deserve you, you don’t deserve what he’s doing. To be honest any guy would revel in the idea of being with you.”

She laughed, in a “Yeah right” sort of way.

“I am serious”, I said, “You do so much to make his life better, I have only seen you give and give just to see a smile on his face. You are such a genuine and loving person, you deserve someone who would give you that back.” “People like that don’t exist, I’ve always done this. No one will give back to me the way I give to them. Just once I would like to experience that.” In the back of my head, I only had one thought. I would do that for you.

Most of our conversations would be in the kitchen. I didn’t have much money at the time so every meal was cooked. She liked to work in the kitchen sometimes on her computer, so the times she was there I would always share my food with her. God she was such a picky eater. Who the hell doesn’t like cake? What’s wrong with you? She loves to eat rare steak any time of day, any day of the week. Her favorite dessert is raspberry tarts, I planned to make her far more than she could eat for her birthday. She also held a serious addiction to nutella, and would eat it any chance she got. She would make me tea sometimes, although I don’t think I ever told her how much I appreciated that now that I think about it, I didn’t want to put anymore stress on my roommate, If they failed I didn’t want it to be because of me. Seriously, why don’t you like cake?

We all went to a video game event that was happening in the seaport district, both her and my roommate decided to join a dancing game tournament. It wasn’t anything serious, maybe about 7 people entered total. She came in second place behind people I know who were experienced players and dancers, I was impressed to say the least. While she was off to the side though, waiting for the final round to begin, another girl started playing. My roommate made some sort of sexual comment about her, about her body to be more exact. With everything that was going on, I knew at this point that he didn’t want things to be serious with her, she was a temporary partner to satisfy his basic human needs. I didn’t like that, I didn’t like how he didn’t communicate that with her.

One day, we were talking about their person-to-person relationship and she said something that on some level I already knew, although I was surprised nonetheless when she said it.

“I know this is bad to say, but sometimes I wish he was you. Whenever I felt stressed or anxious, you knew. I wouldn’t need to say anything, you would just come and give me a hug. You would be there for me the way I need”

I am going to sidetrack here for a moment to talk about myself, I promise I’ll try to keep it brief.

Long story short, I know what people feel. I am sure if you have watched Guardians of the Galaxy 2 you’ll be familiar with this term, I am an empath. It’s not some physic ability though, rather careful observation of spoken and body language. Very rarely am I wrong about how people think or feel, I just know. When I meet other people like me, I know they are like me, as do they know I am like them.

I knew that’s how she felt, but to say it out loud? I never thought it possible.

“I know” I said.

At this point September 1st was rapidly approaching, I would soon say goodbye to my roommates. At this point I decided that if he kept treating their relationship poorly leaving her hurt, I would let her know that I liked her. August 30th <2 days to go> 

She asked me to help get stuff from her old apartment that she was storing there, and move it to her new place. While we were driving there, we talked about my roommate and what he was doing, about how it wasn’t stopping.  “Do you remember what I said a few weeks ago about how any guy would date you in a heartbeat?

“Yeah?” she said.

“I mean it, any guy would date you.” There was a long pause, I knew I was about to potentially open a can of worms that would have either led to the most wonderful thing in my life, or destroy me.

“I would date you.” She looked at me, in a state of shock and disbelief. I don’t think she expected that. “Don’t joke with me.” she said, still in disbelief. 

“I wouldn’t joke about this.” I told her.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything.”

We continued to her old place, in somewhat silence while she processed what the hell just happened. To be honest, I regret telling her that early. She was going through a lot of stress and I added to that, it was a bad move on my end.

I reversed into a driveway for the apartment complex and waited in the truck while she got her stuff. About 10 minutes pass when I see her old roommate, a woman either in her mid 40′s to 50′s, come up to my window. She told me she was having trouble carrying one of her suitcases. I walked into the building to find her moving a large duffel bag about 6 inches per lift attempt. She was not weak. I took a deadlift pose, and lifted that bag clear over my shoulders, it was easily 90lbs+. Seriously what the hell was in there? Bricks? Anyway, when I got it on my back, I looked up to see her with the most shocked face I have ever seen. She actually shook her head to help her come out of the disbelief, it was quite amusing.

“Alright let’s go.”

“O...okay.”

We brought it over to her new place, and to be honest I was disgusted. It literally look like a home of a third world country, it was THAT bad. It made me resent my roommate more for pressuring her to not move in with me. 

We got her stuff there, next on the list was to move my pet rats to my house. I didn’t have a carrier so I asked her for her help, she said she would. So we drove to my grandfathers house, rats and cage in tow. The original idea was to have her watch them while I put the cage together until I realized I could just leave them in the car. She went inside my grandfathers house, introductions were had and she sat down with him. My Dede always watches CNN at night, he is a very political person and so was she. While I was outside cleaning the cage, she talked to him. He gave her a copy of his memoirs to read, and she sat there with the book in her hand asking questions and engorged with the text.

It was like someone went into my head and made my perfection a reality. Here she was, this absolutely beautiful girl huddled by the lamp interacting with family in such a graceful and unique way. She “fit” for lack of a better word. In my mind she was right where she should be, in a home surrounded by people who cared being loved by someone who would give his all to make her happy.

It was then I fell in love. Something, some small voice or feeling told me “This is right, this is how it should be, you and her.” We worked better than anyone else I had ever met in my entire life, old or young, male or female.

She was different, this feeling was...different than any other time I have said the word love. I could foresee to what extend our potential relationship would lead too, I knew her well after 3 months of those talks in the kitchen. It would lead to the most fulfilling relationship I would ever experience.

I question my “knowledge” of the future and criticize myself to the point where I would mull over potentials anywhere from 100 to 500 times over. If at any point I could justify that something wouldn’t work out, I wouldn’t get involved with them. Typically it takes 1 to 5 times before I stop trying (usually once). At the moment, I have thought about it well over a thousand times over the past 8 months, at no point have I been able justify a single reason why a relationship with her wouldn’t be the the happiest, most fulfilling relationship I have ever been in. I knew it then what I still feel now, I am truly in love with her.

I drove her back to the apartment, went into my room and went to sleep.

<August 31st> 1 day left

I woke to the clamoring of furniture being knocked against my wall, I needed to finish moving out. I’ll spare the boring details because for the most part nothing really notable happened, I had all my stuff ready to go back to my Dede’s house, when my roommate asked if I could help him take a few things to the new place. I wasn’t against the idea at all but I wasn’t sure I could fit him and her in the pickup truck I borrowed from my uncle. We actually managed to get everything on board and off we went giving our home a final goodbye. We drove to his new place, dropped off his stuff and off I went, knowing full well that there was to be a talk between them about what was happening and how she wasn’t okay with it.

<September 1st>

Her and I made a deal a few days back, I help help move her stuff, and she would help me setup all my stuff. So after she was finished an interview for a volunteer position hopped on the train and headed my way. I picked her up and as soon as we got in the car I called her beautiful, she didn’t know how to respond but we continued our way back to my house. When we exited the vehicle I beckoned her to come over to me. There she was, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen standing right in front of me. I smiled, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to me. I could feel her pull my closer a little bit, I put my hand on the back of her head and brought her head to a rest on my shoulder. And there we stood, I don’t even remember for how long we stood there, but we stood. I removed my hand from her head, thinking she would move it in response. She didn’t. I smiled, gently lifted her chin and kissed her forehead. At the moment I had found happiness beyond my own belief. 

I looked at her and I said in a straight forward and commanding tone.

“Come on, we have work to do.”

She helped me carry a few things inside but she had to get on the phone with a potential client. So she sat near the door in my room, legs straight forward looking at a random area of my room while she listened to the guy drag ON and ON about the job he wanted her to do. While I was assembling my bed frame (as quietly as I possibly could) I must have heard her say at least 4 or 5 times, “Just send me the information via email and I will look into it.” It was during this time that my ENTIRE family decided to come visit my Dede’s house to have a family party for my sisters new baby boy. Pizza was ordered and arrived, I took two slices of pepper and onion pizza and brought it to her, still in my room talking to the guy who kept repeating himself. She look so frustrated dealing with, but at the sight of pizza all that frustration went away temporarily. I continued to work.

By the time she was done on the phone she had to start getting ready for a potluck that she was debating going to. I just remembered while I am writing this now, that she wasn’t invited to this potluck. My roommate’s friends invited him, she had to awkwardly ask him if she could come as well. She used our shower to get clean and get ready. I remember walking by the bathroom after she had gotten out and changed, she was in simple floral dress, face leaned toward the mirror. I just stood there in silence, I couldn’t peel my eyes away from this graceful and confident creature, it was overwhelming. She eventually realized I was there and turned her head to face me.

“What?” she said, wondering if something was wrong.

“You are absolutely beautiful.” I said in a dazed voice, I was awe struck.

I felt compelled to reach out and hold her, I walked towards her, her hair swirled in a towel, and with both hands I held her sides, looked her straight in her eyes and said it again.

“You are absolutely beautiful.” this time in my normal voice.

“Th...thank you.” she stuttered, she wasn’t used to affection, I could tell she was embarrassed and she didn’t know how to react.

I went back and forth, talking to family and sorting out what things went where while she continued to get ready for her dinner event.

“I still don’t know what to cook,” she told me as I was arranging some furniture in my room, “I don’t know what to bring, what sort of things do you bring to such a thing?”

I honestly had no answer for her, never being apart of a pot luck I could only guess at the things that one would bring. Barbecue is always a good choice but time was of the essence, she needed to make something simple with what we had in the house.

I don’t remember if it was her or I that mentioned that she should make crepes, but that was the final choice made by her to make and bring to this dinner. She starting listing out ingredients she would need and I dug through the food and cookware we had so that she could make them as quickly as possible.

My mother, the same mother that tried to figuratively chase any girl I brought to the house away, took really well to this short Greek girl wearing her simple dress with her long black hair down making food. She invited her to come to their house (Which is about 3 houses down) and make food with her. In Armenian culture this is a big deal, a VERY big deal. Again, not expecting that question she, still in disbelief, agreed. “I would really like that.”

The entire time she was out in the kitchen with myself and the rest of my family, I felt that feeling, that voice. The one that said, “This is how it should be, this is where she should be.” I agreed, that moment in time surrounded by everyone, that moment, she belonged there.

She made food for my mother, literally no one ever has done that outside the family. No one.

After she was done cooking and packing her food, we got to the road and drove close to where my old apartment was. We talked about various things, to be honest I don’t really remember much of it, I was tired from moving things all day, I just wanted to sleep. I do recall something along the lines of, “You say you’re beautiful too much.” which of course I totally did, if I wrote about every time I thought she was beautiful this massive wall of text would be ten times longer. This story is already going to be long enough as it is.

The truth was what I told her, although I don’t think she really believed me. Every time that she spoke with confidence and intellect, the way her eyes would look every time she laughed, or when she was yelling at me the way Greek women do, I could only stop for a moment and realize what type of person was in front me. She was as complex as me yet chose to lead a simple life. She was beautiful through and through, I thought it constantly. I have a problem of saying what’s on my mind instead of shutting the hell up so every time I would think it I would say it. Again, it was many times.

OH NOW I REMEMBER!

We were driving on the highway, and she was venting about everything that was bothering her. I very distinctly remember her yelling at the top of her lungs about how much of an asshole he was being as we were turning right onto a main street.

I dropped her off at the event, said my goodbyes and went along my way. I was worried about her getting hurt and I wished that she would get what she wanted. But like every other human, I was also selfish. I hoped that it didn’t go as she planned.

<September 2nd>

The next day I had an interview near where her new apartment was, I cleaned myself up, put on some nice cloths and drove to the interview. We had planned that I would drive her to another place that she was looking at, the place she had just moved into was THAT bad. I asked her where I should pick her up, but she was lucky enough to get in contact with an old WoW friend after many years. It’s happened to me a few times myself, I actually recently found my friend Iban from when I was on Staghelm back almost 8 years ago. These events were not to be taken lightly. So I told her to focus on that and when she was finished to just send me a message to finalize plans. She agreed and I focused on my interview.

I luckily bypassed the second interview and went straight to the final interview and was hired on the spot. I was pretty happy, being out of work for 6 months isn’t as fun as it seems. I got some food, and waited for about 25 minutes before I got a message from her telling me what she wanted to accomplish that day. At first she refused the idea of me driving her, and told me that she had looked up buses and had made even more appointments for apartment showings. She was confident that she would be able to find another place soon or she would simply stay with my mother at the other house.

Now my mother was the one to offer this, not me (Although I certainly pushed her to stay with us). Again I had never seen my mother so excited about any other I have ever brought, and that in and of itself was a breath of relief.

“Well you need to come and spend time with her if you want that to happen.” I typed it out and hit the send button. After a few moments, I got a reply.

“Good point”  “Oy! Mothers...”

I told her that she should come over after she was done looking at the new place, she said she had work for clients to be done, plus she was going out clubbing tonight with my old roommate. She reconsidered me driving her to her apartment showing, she didn’t want to mess up where she would be living.

“And I’ll be in a very tight dress so I won’t be able to fight off any bad guys alone if I’m in that situation.”

I laughed, of course I would, that wasn’t even a question.

I asked how last night went after she ruptured my ear drums, and it seemed that she managed to vent all of her anger and frustration out before arriving, I was grateful for that. I was glad that I helped her feel better after having to deal with a cold nights sleep and a shitty mattress.

I drove over to her place, a short 5 minute drive, told her to open the door and there she was again. She was not ready at all.

Now I have a few memories being in her room with her, but to be honest I don’t remember what days these memories happened. I remember one time I basically asked, if she wasn’t willing to date me would she be interested in being friends with benefits. I then tackled her and we wrestled a little, and after I completely overpowered her I booped her nose. My old roommate used to do that I that kind of freaked her out, mind you she knew that he actually copied me and wasn’t really surprised. Most of the times we would sit and talk or I would help her look at listings, but this time I remember very clearly.

She couldn’t decide what to wear. It was literally the most fucking cliché thing I have ever experienced, I rolled my eyes and laughed. She was having a difficult time deciding on whether or not she should go to the club at all. She told me that at the pot luck, a bunch of his friends made the suggestion of going out to a club close to the library in the city, and very similarly to the pot luck invitation she had to sort of invite herself, and that REALLY made her indecisive about going.

I told her to do what she wanted.

She didn’t end up going.

She insisted that she dress up regardless, “I want to look pretty god damn it!” and in the back of my head I didn’t want that effort go to waste, I had a plan.

I think we didn’t go see the place that she wanted to see. I’m pretty sure she didn’t want to deal with it given the amount of work she had to do, but I could be wrong I honestly forget.

When we got back to my house, I told her to drop off her things and come back into the car. “It’s a surprise”

I took her to a local high end restaurant (Not Olive Garden don’t even get me started) and told her that she could have anything she wanted. I ordered a grilled salmon and she ordered a rare steak and I have to say, it was phenomenal food. I held her hand and made eye contact with her while we spoke.

When we got back, I gave her some Pj’s to sleep with. Now my brother was back from Germany where is currently lives with his boyfriend so our spare bedroom was already in use. I was going to let her sleep on my bed and I would sleep on the couch, but it was either her desire to have me close or her guilt of taking a bed while I slept elsewhere that led to her and I to sleep next to each other.

I made sure she didn’t need anything, turned off the light and laid down on my side of the bed. Holy shit, never in my life have I experienced what I experienced then. My entire body was on fire, and I don’t mean painfully, more like my body decided to metabolize everything in my body at once. My heart was racing to the point where it actually hurt (Which for me is around ~190 bpm), my adrenaline was not holding back at all.

I was nervous, I wanted to reach out to her and hold her, to pull her close to me and let her feel safe and loved. At first I had no intention of asking her, I first got out of bed for a bit, went into the kitchen to drink some water and just kinda stood there for a bit thinking about everything, playing it over and over in my head the way I always do. I settled down a bit and decided it was time to try again.

Nope.

As soon as I laid down, same thing. I told myself I’m probably going to die of a heart failure if this keeps up, so I asked her. She said yes. Well she said “Fine!” which in Greek talk is equivalent to I want this but I don’t want to admit it. Very Tsundere of her.

With my left hand, I slowly pulled her closer to me her back again’st my chest and the smell of her hair lulling me asleep. That was one of the best nights of sleep I had gotten period.

<September 3rd>

She woke up around 7:30 am and made her way to the living room, I woke up only a few moments after and followed. The morning sun shone through the window behind her while she sat there on the couch lost in thought.

“Good morning” I said, looking at her messy hair and pj’s looking just as elegant and confident as ever.

“Good morning” she replied.

We planned out what the rest of the day was going to look like, breakfast, getting her to work on time, etc. I made both her and my Dede omelets, I remember that she requested to have a simple cheese omelet. I made my eggs the way I like them, over medium. When I showed her how I tossed the eggs in the air to flip them, she thought it was cool (That’s because it is cool). We got dressed and made our way back towards the area of where she worked, I dropped her off and I think I made my way back home. Either that or I went to the neighboring town to meet up with my mother for some reason or another.

My sister’s baby boy was having his Christening the next day, and my mother made the suggestion that she wanted her to come. Again, very VERY big deal. I asked her if she would be able to make it, but she had a lot of things on her plate. My mother wouldn’t have it.

“She (my mom) insisted, She is being stubborn about it” I told her.

“Fine!” she said, although she insisted that she do it alone and not rely on me for transportation.

Nothing else really happened that day that directly involved her, although we had made plans to go fishing on the ocean shore (She loved fishing but hadn’t been in forever and she really missed it) and when I was going through all my equipment, I found that only one of my fishing rods wasn’t broken. We planned to go that Wednesday.

<September 4th>

She called me before she started work and asked if I could drive her from work to the apartment viewing and then to the Christening. I laughed a little, she always tried her best to not rely on anyone but even though she fought me tooth and nail about receiving help from me, she did rely on me. I laughed but I was happy. I wanted to show her that I could be reliable, that the things I said were true and no matter what I would do my best to help her out, even if I failed sometimes. 

(I tried to get her a slightly newer phone than the iPhone 4 she had and even though I must have asked all my friends and every fire spinner I know I still couldn’t find one) (Also yes I am a fire spinner, I will touch more on that later)

So from the Armenian church, I drove to where she worked which luckily was a short drive, picked her up and off we went to the viewing. The place was nice, it had a good back yard to say the least, I didn’t go in. It was her business not mine, I waited in the car for her to be finished.

I waited for almost an hour. I became worried.

Typically these things shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes and she wasn’t answering her texts or calls. I went up to the door and knocked, no answer. I was getting more worried, I made my way back to the car, got back in my seat and decided to trust in her even though I was scared. Around 4 minutes later she called super apologetic, she was safe. I was relieved, but still upset at how late we were going to be for the event. A few moment’s later out she came from the side of the house waving goodbye to the girl who showed her the place. After seeing the house itself they went to the backyard and talked a lot there, she had her phone on silent and didn’t realize that I was trying to get in contact with her. I was glad she really liked the place but I told her straight out that taking so long when we had somewhere important to go to was inconsiderate of her and that I was upset because of it. She realized her mistake, admitted to what was not the best choice in the situation and apologized. I wasn’t upset anymore, anyone who can admit their faults is a person who can be trusted and reasoned with. I told her not to worry about it and that I wasn’t mad anymore.

I remember as we were driving on the highway straight to the event, she told me that she had no affection for me and that I had no hope of gaining it.

“That doesn’t matter to me.” I told her, “Even if you never feel for me the same way I feel about you I will keep trying, I will keep giving you affection.”

“Why? Why would you do that? Why would you torture yourself like that?”

Because even if there was only a sliver of a possibility of being with her, I would deal with that pain.

“Every ‘Man’ you have been with has never tried to be with you. I mean yeah sure when it was convenient for them to have sex and comfort it was easy, but look how quickly they would forget about you. None of these people actually tried, but I am the complete opposite of these people and I will show you that. If we ended up dating and things got rough, what do you think I should do just leave you? No. I want you to feel confident that I would not simply abandon you just because it’s hard. I would stick it through to the end and we would work out some resolution. I am here for you, not your affection, I will take care of you even if you hate me for as long as you let me.”

“Where were you 4 months ago when I was comfortable with the idea of dating! Why did you take so long to find me!”

I laughed, “I’m sorry. I know that the best time was then, but the second best time is now.”

“You’re late!” she yelled at me.

“I’m sorry!” I laughed again, it was like I was getting lectured for bad behavior. It was amusing, and comforting. There certainly was never a dull moment with her around.

We ended up getting there as the event was finishing up, we had missed it.

“Let’s go spend time with my family” I said, “That’s going to the best the second best thing we could do.”

We ended up going to my parents house, my mother was pretty happy to see her. We sat down at the kitchen table, and my family started a discussion about something, I don’t remember. I remember that she spoke up with that confidence that I loved her for, and said how she felt on the matter. I turned to my left to see my mother shocked, no one I had ever brought home had ever talked that way. She loved it. She pulled her from the kitchen table and brought her to what was once my room now made into a storage room for fabric and started pulling out different fabrics and tapestries that her mother had made, things that meant the world to her. My brother whispered to me in the hallway as I overlooked.

“What is Mama doing? That poor girl, she is going to ruin her! What have you done! Get her out of there now!”

We both erupted with laughter, bother my mother and her looked at us like we were crazy, and that only fueled the laughter. 

“Don’t mind them,” my mother said, “boys are stupid.”

She laughed, and again that feeling came back. She belonged.

I took her downstairs to show her my mother’s sewing area, it had 3 different showing machines and what seemed like every type of thread in existence. 

She loved it. 

We went into the basement common room, we used to have all of our desks there but now it was nothing more than a storage room. I showed her the chain mail vest I had made, some of my World of Warcraft collection editions and finally we stopped on a hand made checkers/backgammon board with Mt. Ararat (An Armenian icon) created with various colors of wood cut and fitted perfectly together. I thought for some reason we could play chess on it so I asked her if she wanted to play chess. She loved playing chess, but hadn't in some time.

“Don’t you dare go easy on me.” She said.

We ended up using my phone to keep track of the checkers board and we used checkers pieces instead of chess pieces. The freaking app messed up my move and I lost my queen, I was so frustrated!

I ended up winning, although it was a good game. I had fun to say the very least, and isn’t that why we play games?

After we were done we talked for a very brief period before my mother came down and asked her if she liked to dance.

“I absolutely love dancing.” she said. 

My mother asked me to put on a song and dance with her. I forget which song or in what styles we danced but I do remember that salsa that we did. What i remember more was the laughing the smiling and the awkward trips.

I could hear my mother upstairs on the phone speaking in Armenian to one of her gossip friends.

“Aghjikeh shad lav”

The literal translation would be, “Very good girl” but in the context she was using it, it meant more like “He brought home a high quality woman.” I told her this and she didn’t believe me, even though word for word I translated what she was saying about her.

We sat down, she was sitting on her legs. I went behind her and started give her a massage while she started questioning how could she take anything seriously, everyone she had trusted had hurt her.

“I don’t get it, I’ve seen older guys, I’ve seen younger guys and they all treat me the same. They say one thing and do another, I can’t trust any of them!”

“Have you tried being with someone who was around your age?”

“No...I have never tried that...”

I smiled and walked around to her front, I sat on my legs right in front of her a locked eye contact with her and spoke.

“If you gave me the chance and the time, you will trust me. I would love you and cherish you for as long as you let me. I promise.”

(Technically she was a year older than me but close enough)

She examined my face, my eyes. She poked and prodded for any reason to not trust me and when she realized that it wasn’t a lie, I think that scared her a little.

It wasn’t a lie, I meant it with every ounce of being in my soul. She was so honest and so pure, she wore her heart on her sleeve. I had seen who she really was over the past few months and I knew that without a doubt in my mind that I would be able to keep that promise.

She just sat there deep in thought.

I had to drive her home before the it got too late, so off we went, myself still in a state of bliss that was only to get better.

“Why do you keep trying so hard?” She said.

“Because you’re worth it, if you weren’t I wouldn’t do it.”

She paused for a moment looking down in a slight state of embarrassment and fear, then turned to me and said, 

“I am going to say something and we will never speak of this again am I clear?”

I knew what she was already going to say, I knew it all along, but unless she had the courage to say it, knowing it meant nothing.

“Understood.” I said with a professional tone with a slight nod.

“I sometimes will ask you questions just so I can hear your response. Your responses make me feel safe and are the type of responses I want to hear.”

I couldn’t be any happier to hear that, I was smiling from ear to ear.

I dropped her off and went back to my house.

I got a text from her around the time I got home.

“I forgot to tell you, you do look much nicer when you shave.”

I shaved for her.

“I’ll make the excuse that it was for the Christening.”

“It was wasn’t it? I’m pretty sure your other family members told you to shave too.”

I don’t do things I don’t want to do, and I would never shave any part of my face because my family asked me to.

“They wanted it all off.”

“Oh...well I’ve never seen that...”

“Well when you want to see it, tell me to take it off and I will.”

“I’m not going to torture you that way. You said you don’t like it.”

“I like what my partner likes when it comes to my facial hair, because truthfully I couldn’t care less.”

“But I am not your partner... Regardless of what I may or may not become, as your friend I’m not going to ask you to change anything about yourself.”

“Sure, but as someone I want to please the status of my facial hair is whatever you want it to be. I mean I don’t have to look at it, you do.”

She laughed, “Good point! You said that you don’t like it when it’s all off -- I remember that.”

“I only say that because people say I look better with it, I go by what people tell me. If you tell me to shave, I will and if you don’t like it don’t worry, it will grow back in like a week.”

“You look like a caveman with a full beard.” (wow rude) “I think it takes away from your facial structure and hides your neck.”

“Then I will make sure to shave it every few days, would you like me to shave fully and see how you like it?”

“Can’t I just see a picture so you don’t torture yourself? ............. Wait -- why are we discussing this?!!!? I don’t care what you look like! You just don’t look good with a full beard! That’s all!!!”

“Because you do care. I’ll shave completely Tuesday, tell me if you like it more or not.”

“Get over yourself, I don’t! And I’ll be busy crying my eyes out on Tuesday”

She was going to talk to my old roommate about what he was doing and how it wasn’t okay. She wanted to stop seeing him because she was done feeling hurt by what he was doing.

“Don’t worry, on Wednesday when we go fishing you’ll be able to relax.”

“I might be crying then too but okay.”

“Well there may be enough saltwater there already so I don’t think that will be necessary, and I will be clean shaven. Fight me”

“You know I’ll win -- I don’t want to humiliate you.”

“Uh huh, sure.”

I really enjoyed when she tried to shit talk me, I really enjoyed that she challenged me. Almost every other girl, wouldn’t even try to fight me back and that was boring. This was far more fun than I could have imagined.

<September 5th>

Not much happened between us on this day.

She ended up having the conversation with my old roommate and it went essentially the way she planned. He ended up telling her that, “When a guy says ‘maybe’ it really means no.” To me that wasn’t what guys did, that excuse is what a coward would say.

If he really wanted to just have her around for company and sex, he should have just said so instead of dodging the question time and time again.

I offered to bring her Tea and Nutella, but she needed to be alone.

I told her “Good night” and I went to sleep.

<September 6th>

It was the first day of classes for me and I was excited to get back to school. I got up early and made my way on the train to class.

I messaged her, asking if she was feeling better. I sent her I picture of a parakeet in a teapot to get her to laugh a little.

“What did you do to that poor birdie!???”

I pretended to be the bird, “ ‘Hey looks like you could use some tea.’ ”

She told me that she just needed distance, time and something to knock her out. I offered to take her to the gym to hit a heavy bag to her heart’s content, that should knock you out for sure. She wanted to but with 6 papers to get done, she didn’t think she had the time.

I wanted to be next to her, it didn’t matter what she was doing. She could have completely ignored me and I would have been fine with that, I just wanted to be near her.

“After class I am going to check up on my employment.” I had not gotten the official job offer yet and was going to check up on when it was going to be sent. “I’ll stop by afterwards. (Yes I am coming fight me)”

“Well... you won’t know where I am so you can’t come ^_^”

“I’ll wait for you outside your door, in the pouring rain until I see you. You know, use that whole guilt thing. ;)”

“Mothers do it better, I’m not convinced.”

“I’ll do it!”

“Fine, freeze to death and get pneumonia.”

“Hope you enjoy having a dead boy on your doorstep, because I am sure your Asian roommates will be very upset with you.”

“I’m not selective about my dead bodies.”

I told her that if I actually ended up coming to see her, I would probably just work on homework that I just got. As long as I had a place to sit and focus, I would be okay.

“Would a bookstore quiet enough for you? I’ll have music just in case.”

That was fine by me, I just wanted to see her. I went to the bookstore where she was, walked up to the second floor where there was a cafe and sat next to her for about 5 minutes until she realized I was there. I got myself a drink, went back to sit where we were, and started reading my textbook about limits.

After about 15 to 20 minutes of my arrival she started to get distracted, she made it very clear that she needed a break and proceeded to look at funny comics. This one was her favorite series.

After about 20 more minutes of this she turned to me and told me that she couldn’t concentrate. 

“How about a change of scenery?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Your room is cold and depressing, for god’s sake it had cracks running down the wall, that is not a good work environment. Come to my house. I have a warm room and a comfortable bed, I will leave you be to your work and I will make you dinner.”

She agreed but first she needed things from her apartment before we left, she wanted cloths for the next day and a heat pad to keep her stomach warm. We made our way back on the train towards her place then to my house, got picked up from the train station and drove to my house.

I let her get to work right away, I made sure she was comfortable on my bed. I made sure that she was propped up comfortably by both the pillows I had, that the heating pad was plugged in and working and that she had her chamomile tea with lavender and a cinnamon stick piece at the bottom. After I knew she was all set, I sat at my computer desk and got to work. After I was done with work I played a few games, but got bored rather quickly. I would turn around periodically to look at her, the sight again just to perfect to be real. I was happy having her right there, right where she was and I was willing to do anything to have her stay there.

After the boredom of playing games, or rather the appeal of laying down next to her became more than I could resist, I shut down my machine and laid next to her. I put my head on her lap because she had taken both my pillows for her. Needless to say I wasn’t complaining. At some point she got a Skype call from her friend in California, her “Lesbian lover”. I forget exactly what they talked about, I was too hypnotized by her voice, it was just so nice to listen to. To me, being there at that very moment was pure happiness.

When she was finished with her call she turned to me claiming that she couldn’t concentrate. I suggested that she should move to the desk and work there.

“But then you wouldn’t be able to use you’re computer, I don’t want to do that.”

I had her sit in front of me, or rather I sat behind her. She had access to my desk space for her laptop and I had access to my mouse, which luckily was all that you need to play Civ V. She leaned back into me, I put my arm around her waist being very careful not to touch her chest. She noticed that I was avoiding that area.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s okay, you can.” was what she told me.

So I slowly and gently brought my arm around her, in the most comfortable I could, right across her chest. Before finalizing my arm placement, I gently (but not subtly) held breast in my hand for a moment.

“Did you just grab my breast?”

“Maybe.” I said pretending to focus on my game.

She made a frustrated “HMMM” noise, but quickly went back to what she was doing. She didn’t tell me off, she didn’t move my hand, hell if anything she leaned more into me. I remember her being really warm, and the weight on my chest felt so nice. Being there like that was happiness for me.

After about an hour or so, I needed to get up and stretch and so did she it seemed. As I got up and out of the chair, she unplugged her earphones from her computer and turned around in my chair. Now looking at her, music playing in the background, I offered her my hand. She looked confused for a moment as if she didn’t know what to expect.

“Just give me your hand.” I said firmly.

“O...okay” she stuttered still slightly confused as to what was happening.

She took my hand, and with a gentle yet strong lift, she rose from my chair. I pulled her closer with my other hand around the back of her hip, her hand still in mine. She understood finally. We spun and stepped to the music, all while I held her. I only remember her laughing and smiling, I enjoyed it so much. I remember that the music we danced to was a playlist her friend, her lesbian lover, made for her to focus and do work too.

After we were done, she fell back into my chair while I sat at the edge on my bed closest to her. I grabbed a corner of the chair and pulled her closer to me. There she was, I looked at her from top to bottom and I couldn’t help but feel blessed to have someone like her here next to me. I took my hands and placed them right above her knee on the lower thigh and gently rubbed that area, as if to somehow let her feel how grateful I was to have her there. I locked eye contact for a moment and smiled, I broke eye contact for a moment to look at my hands and laugh, then back to her eyes.

“What?” she asked.

I knew she was going to be annoyed at what I was going to say but I said it anyway, my feelings were just too strong.

“You’re absolutely beautiful.” I said, shaking my head side to side, hypnotized by her.

“You say that too much.” she said sternly.

“I don’t think I could ever say it enough. You are kind and caring, strong and assertive, smart and witty, an you are always ready to help someone in need. I have watched you for months doing what you could for the sake of others.” I looked down to where my hands where again.

“Never in my life have I ever met someone like you, never in my life have I ever felt this strongly for someone else. You’re special, you’re wonderful...” I paused a moment and looked into her eyes.

“You are absolutely beautiful.”

She looked at me in silence with a hint of fear in her face, her mind was racing. I could tell that she wanted to believe me, but she just couldn’t let herself. She looked at me and she spoke.

“There must be something wrong with me.”

I was confused, I asked her why she would think that way. She told me that everything I said, everything I did, it was what she has always wanted somebody to do... but for some reason she felt nothing. No desire to give affection, just emptiness.

To me that wasn’t surprising considering that this would have been either her second or third time experiencing loss, she needed more time to become herself again. I could only guess that she wanted to feel about me the same way I felt about her, but I knew from the start that wasn’t possible right away. What she had with my old roommate took at least a month to build, it wasn’t going to happen in a day or two, I think she forgot that and beat herself up over it.

“Don’t worry about it, these things take time to make. You don’t just have feelings for someone right away... no. To feel that way again takes time. So don’t worry about it, spend time with me, let’s go on adventures together, I want to bring you into my world. If at the end of the road nothing has happened, at least we could say that we had fun, I could live with that.”

I paused for a moment to let her process what I just said watching her mind race with thoughts, a myriad of emotions were visible on her face. As I spoke, her eyes met with mine.

“But please,” I begged, “give me that time.”

She looked sad, she wasn’t over him yet. Or maybe she didn’t believe in my words and was skeptical about getting hurt. Maybe she did believe me and everything I said was just too good to be true. I never found out. 

“I’ll try” she said quietly.

We didn’t talk much about it after that. We sat back down in my computer chair for another hour or so before we went to bed.

Earlier we had agreed that she was going to sleep alone in my room and I would get the couch, for sure this time. As I was about to leave the room, I turned to her and asked if she needed anything, she said she didn’t. I looked at her and said good night, she looked back at me in silence, I could tell that she was thinking. After a few moments went by she finally spoke, or rather yelled.

“Fine! Come on!”

I laughed, I had no problem with sleeping on the couch and giving her that space. Let it be known that she was the one who told me to stay. I turned off the light and climbed into bed, and a few moments later I asked if I could hold her again tonight. She didn’t say anything but instead just backed into me, I wrapped my arms around her and we fell asleep.  

I am not done, I am still in progress.