#god. dunno if those yrs blending together so badly is liks an actually alarming thing

[fridgevent]

that makes me think of 2018, another hell year but for different reasons! and i dont wanna get into most of it bc its peraonal stuff rhat not only am i too nervous to talk abt, but also talking abt it gwnerally makes me Shaky And Nervous so thats probably a sign i should Not

however the first few months of 2018! horrible. fucking hate those. bc my brain is somehow nostalgic for stuff that happened in december and also like a few days then that i liked but also eveeything around that time is Horrible

bc there was some weird stuff w my brother and my parents and my sister and idk hoa to feel abt it now but ik it just. was A Lot. bc apparently my brother had 'pretended to be suicidal at school' (which my mom told me was for attention and that makes me uncertain of Anything but also my brother told me he waa never actually suicidal so i???) but then he stayed somewhere for a week or so and i remember that Didnt Feel Great. but then he came home and apparently my parents either took his phone or went thru it or both??? and they were mad at him but also took it 'for him' and i didnt rly underdtand what the fuck was happening cus everyone else in my house was in the midst of some drama i didnt know most of the stuff abt. but then my brother started hanging out w me a bunch and i thought that was cool, wed hang out together and while he wasnt allowed to use like. tvs or anything, id watch atuff on my tv and hed hang out w me cus that was allowed, and hed tell me stuff abt the drama going on (and my parents were saying stuff 2 me too tho so i was just. 'idk whos right and i dont wanna accuse any1 of lying but noth of these sides r Bad' and it was horeible all around) but would assure me that he loved hanging out w me n that!!!! even after he gets his phone back n stuff that hell still hang out w me!!! and i thought that was epic

then at the end of febuary i think he got his stuff back, ans he very much did not still hang out with me and was very blatantly lying to me so that he could just. watch whatwver he wanted on my tv bc id let him pick. and considering this was very much not the first time hed done smth like this i was just :(

aaaans then there was even more stuff involving him potentially being horrible to his bf and from what i rmemeber he implied everything was ok, n my parents would say shady stuff regarding him i think so it was very confusing and overwhelming, and by now the entire house is on edge and has been for like weeks. and my dad has us all acrually sit down and told us abt stuff i cant rly remwmber but it boiled down to 'ur all very much upsetting ur mom' but i remember a lot od the stuff was inaccurate in rly upsetting waya but i couldnt say anything so inatead i just kinda. sat there n drew but he got irritated at me for drawing i think? basically it ended up w me being upset and me scratching my hand rly bad the entire time which. wasnt great

also im p sure some of the stuff id supposedly 'upset my mom' abt involved stuff that... wasnt rly my fault. bc, as id mentioned in my previous post i was still definently depressed, and id be visibly upset and just. sitring alone in my room and shed stop by 2 ask me if i was upset, so id say i was, but when shed ask me if i wanted to talk abt it or smth like that id have. such a hard time articulating my thoughts and id take foeever to even get close to saying smth and shed get upset at me and then id get more upset, to which shed get more upset and start verbally blaming herself kinda??? i can only vaguwly remember it but i remember id eventually stopped twlling her i was upset cus i knew its just go bad. there was also other stuff, i think, but i either dont feel comfortable talking abt it in a post or i genuinely cant remember it enough

basically 2018 sucked too. that stuff only rly took into account early 2018 and there WAS other stuff, i just dont feel comfortable talking abt it for multiple reasons