#god why does tgis happen so often
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It is once again the feels like crying time of night.
Time to put the phone down and sleep
Hghh
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Friday The 13th
Most people hate Mondays. I hate Fridays. I’ve learned that Fridays are to be feared.
Growing up, my parents would come home from work upset more often on Friday than any other day of the week. In particular, my mother would be so upset to the point of tears. I quickly learned that nothing good could ever happen on a Friday.
It wasn’t until eighth grade that I learned the rest of the world loved Fridays. My fear of Friday was unusual. The first step to reconciling my fear of Fridays begins with a girl with pink hair wearing a sweatshirt with the logo for TGI Fridays. “Who’s TGI Friday?” I asked.
The girl in the sweatshirt replied, “It’s a restaurant.”
I tipped my head over to one side. “That’s a funny name for a restaurant.”
“The name comes from the expression Thank God It’s Friday.”
Then it hit me; that powerful sense of dread that came from Fridays. “Why would you feel good about a Friday? I’ve never felt good about Fridays.”
Sweatshirt girl's jaw dropped. She laughed, “There’s no reason to feel bad about Fridays. Fridays are good! Fridays are awesome!”
“Not at our house,” I said. I shook my head and sat down. “At our house, Fridays are for coming home from work angry, exhausted, and frustrated. Not something to be thankful for.”
“Poor thing! Well, that stops today,” she said with that perky expression that gave me the sense that she was either on the cheerleading squad or a party animal. Either way, she overacted it.
I spent the second half of eighth grade learning to love Fridays like the rest of the world. And I did love Fridays. They were my favorite day of the week.
That is, of course, until 11th grade.
Why 11th grade? Because something happened that year that made me wonder if I had perhaps been on to something. Maybe Fridays were scary after all.
I couldn’t be left in the house by myself, so my parents insisted that I sign up for as many school clubs as possible. Unfortunately, a lot of these extracurriculars had performance quotas and the leaders insisted that we treat them as full-time jobs. Underperforming meant getting kicked out. Getting kicked out meant angry parents.
Staying in anywhere was tricky, but the act of getting in was harder because I was overweight. I had to take medications that caused me to gain weight like crazy. Because of my size, I didn't exactly have teachers begging to have me in their classrooms. None of the other kids lined up to be my friend.
Having people reject you for being fat goes beyond school. Doctors reject you, organizations reject you, and summer programs outside of school reject you. If they can reject people, they will reject me. Getting in anywhere usually happens because somewhere along the line, somebody thought I was someone else.
In 11th grade, I finally found an extracurricular that I could do: Model United Nations. I could sleep during Model UN and no one would notice. Mrs. Markland, the teacher in charge, had only one performance quota: sit still. It’s like being asked to take a nap.
Usually, when I signed up for an extracurricular, they kicked me out within the week. I’ve been in Model UN for three months. How can a fat person that does nothing but sleep survive in Model UN for as long as I did? What must have happened is that the teacher in charge accidentally mixed up the people who applied to be part of the Model United Nations on the go and no-go lists. Since nobody on the outside wanted to double-check, she had no choice but to let me in.
This happened on Friday the 13th, the day they had finally caught on in my little act of sleeping through Model UN meetings.
It started very simply. I started talking in my sleep. Someone had taken something that I had said as an insult and got the teacher involved. Depending on who you ask, either what happened next was my colossal mistake or the sleep talking was the colossal mistake and this just compounded it. I shouted, "Danger! Danger!" when Mrs. Markland woke me up. Worse, I put up dukes. Within two minutes, I found myself suspended. "All right Sarah, get your things and get in the car."
I packed everything up and got in. We drove off down the road. Mrs. Markland took every effort to stay on the side streets. I assumed she was going to drive me home.
I spent most of the drive staring out the window. A heavy fog loomed over the road. Periodically, the fog would lift and reveal that what you guessed would be in the fog, you guessed wrong. Trees lined the streets; they took the place of the houses. At first glance, you would think that it was the humble abode part of town. The minute you noticed the lack of houses, you knew that you were on the other side of the last chance to go to the bathroom. This was somewhere where you needed to pay close attention to your surroundings. Maybe Mrs. Markland took the long way home due to road construction, I thought. "Did we make a wrong turn somewhere?" I asked, "because my house is the other way."
"I'm not driving you home," said Mrs. Markland as we drove over the bridge into the city. "I'm late to my other job, and you're coming with me because I'm not leaving you out of my sight."
Nothing looked familiar. Everywhere I looked, I only saw either skyscrapers or cranes plus a dense, low-lying blanket of fog. The only reason I think Mrs. Markland found where she was supposed to go was because of this unearthly red glow coming from the windows on the third floor from the top. "Come with me," she ordered.
We took the elevator up to the third floor from the top. She went into her cubicle. "Sit there, don't touch anything," she barked at me as she pointed to the hard plastic chair outside the cubicle bay.
I don't like to be told no. Within 10 minutes of Mrs. Markland starting her work at her other job, I got up and helped myself to a little adventure. I walked over to the outdoor access and wandered over to the other end of the building. I saw two people in the window arguing. From what I gather, something broke. The first guy tried to blame the second guy, but the second guy insisted that it wasn’t his fault.
I had no idea what the specifics were, but it sounded like the first guy was a landlord, and the second guy was a tenant about to be evicted. That whole incident illustrated that in the city, everyone can hear you scream. And then they complain to the landlord. And then you get evicted.
There’s no sympathy for the guy that was evicted for making too much noise. The only eviction victims to get sympathy are either those who’ve lost their jobs and can’t pay the rent anymore or those who got kicked out because the landlord decided to renovate everything so they can turn around and sell it again at a premium. If you get evicted because of the commotion you caused, you only get sympathy if your baby or toddler created the excessive noise. Anybody else, you’re an idiot. No sympathy for you.
When the two of them left, I went into the room to see what happened. Something flipped the mattress upside down, pulled the curtains apart, and karate sliced the end table in half. Also, the ceiling fan melted.
It soon became clear who did the damage. The closet door opened up. A poltergeist hovered in the closet, emanating a cherry red glow.
The poltergeist looked like someone in a slap-dash narwhal costume. It easily towered over me and had long limbs, and hands tipped with long bony fingers. Its skin is a pale grey, darkening towards the ends of its clawed fingers and feet.
As it exited the closet, it flattened out and bent its neck in ways that no human could achieve. One look at its lush, ruby lips, giant ears, and lack of eyes or nose sent a hefty message: I was in deep shit.
I booked it out of there. It wasn’t enough. It puckered up its lips and encased me in shiny, lime green slime. An appendage rapidly emerged from its neck. It fired off a spark.
ZAP!
I could smell my skin cooking like it was the hairiest bacon ever made, yet I felt no pain. The searing heat from the emerald green and heliotrope purple flames had killed my nerve endings. I could feel only the vibration of the vast electrical current as it coursed through my body. Seconds before I lost consciousness, the poltergeist disappeared in a sparkling cloud of zeroes and ones.
I spent the next month in a coma. Upon awakening, I had to relearn all those basic functions such as walking, sitting up without falling over, and using my hands. I would never be the same. I now had a newfound respect for the fact that Fridays are scary for reasons far worse than stressed parents coming home from work.
@wonderful-prompts
#writing#writers#writers on tumblr#short fiction#creative fiction#creative writing#creepy#creepypasta
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TSS Project part 7: The Tea is Hot
Warning as usual, long post. I think this is the longest single thing I’ve written for a non-academic purpose since my middle school fanfiction days lmao
Section 1: Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
oo look a section header
What do I mean by titling this section Let’s Talk About Sex? Well, technically, I mean Let’s Talk About Disproportionate Representation of Gender and Stereotyping, but there wasn’t a catchy song lyric to go along with that. I am an anthropology major but I’m also a sucker for pizzazz.
I’ve noted in the past that there’s a ginormous gender imbalance in TSS- and pretty much all kids’ tv in general except things that are explicitly marketed towards 6-year-old girls. Don’t believe me? Google it. Shows that are “for everyone” or “for boys” only have a female:male ratio of 1:3 or 2:5 if we’re really lucky. And those female characters are usually ascribed one of a few personalities, which you’re no doubt familiar with if you, I don’t know, have eyes and ears.
Granted, this show and the other example I was thinking of, My Little Pony, are shows that play into the characters’ main traits by linking them to their ~Special Powers~ but that still doesn’t change the fact that they are VERY stereotypical Girls. Especially Rarity, Fluttershy, Flora and Stella. Like, goddamn.
Here’s a disclaimer, though: stereotypes exist for a reason. Whether that reason is prejudice or observation changes the nature of the stereotype, but it doesn’t change the fact that that’s the reason why it’s there. Playing somewhat into stereotypes is a good way to play to the things that people know, which in turn draws them in. The problem is making up your entire cast with reductive character tropes à la 1970s Super Friends cartoons, and you do NOT want to go full Super Friends.
Their names are literally just Apache Chief and Samurai. That is, like, uncomfortably racist to a 2018 (or 2000 anything) audience. But shit like that isn’t just limited to the 1970s. Reductive- sexist or racist, usually- stereotypes are permeated into American society so thoroughly that we usually don’t realize that there needs to be more nuance to the characters we’re showing our kids than “this guy is Native American. That’s who he is.” Because that’s what happens with most stereotypes. “This girl is the music girl. That’s what she does. She sings in the shower and has music tattoos and all her fairy powers are music based and...” It’s just So Much.
I had another point. Right.
~Girly~ shows have a main cast made up of entirely of female characters; with supporting males entering every so often just to be “there.” Romantic interests tailored specifically to the protagonists’ wildest dreams, usually. This does happen in ~~boys’ tv~~ too, but not in the same way. You know. The swoon-y, heartfelt love poem, I-can-change-him way. It’s different than how female characters are “just there” in boys’ tv, because then they’re either nagging mothers or coveted prom dates. I was going to say I don’t know why that is, but I do know. It’s the patriarchy. What I don’t know is why the “just there” thing happens in girls’ tv. What I do know is that I could write my goddamn thesis on why the “just there” thing happens in boys’ tv- and it is a thing- and why I hate it, but I don’t think you can swear in an undergrad thesis and I’m not sure if I’m ever getting a master’s degree. yaaaaay
So here’s a TL;DR for what’s coming:
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/2ddc71907fd4a7d8e787b7bc2de58668/tumblr_inline_p5mu75C5Hf1rah2th_500.jpg)
http://secretsaturdays.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Characters
If you’d like to fact-check me about the gender imbalance in TSS, the link for the character section of the wiki is above. I only counted characters who were on the show (TGIS? new fone who dis) and important enough to be included in the wiki, not the ones who only made an appearance in the comics. (Don’t fucking @ me for not including people like “security guard who refused van Rook’s American money,” although most of those people were men too.) Otherwise the ratio would have been even more skewed blue because there were literally no new ladies introduced in the comics? At least none important enough to be included in the wiki? And there were literally only four recurring female characters in the entire series at all period, sixteen females total if you count the single-use randos (not mentioning whether those characters said lines which advanced the plot or anything either, because some did and some didn’t). SIXTEEN. Let me break them down for you:
Drew: second-tier protagonist
Miranda Grey: second-tier main character (both pro- and antagonist)
Abbey Grey: love interest/second-tier antagonist
“Charles and Lily’s Mom”: single-use background rando from s1e9
Lily: single-use plot device character from s1e9
Dr. Pachacutec: single-use plot device character from s1e11
Drew Monday: third-tier antagonist
Rani Nagi: third-tier antagonist
Ruby: single-use rando from s1e21
Sita: fourth-tier antagonist from s1e16
Tica: single-use plot device character from s2e3
Unnamed Agent #1: single-use background rando from s1e23
Wadi: third-tier protagonist
Zon: could be replaced with a potato and nobody would care
Anti-matter Zon: could be replaced with an anti-matter potato and nobody would care
Drew and Doyle’s mom: single-use plot device character from s1e7
Does that look like a lot of characters? Well, sure it does, when you write out descriptions like that for all of them. Let’s do all the guys, though, just for shits and giggles.
Zak: main progtaonist and story focus
Doc: second-tier protagonist
Doyle: second-tier protagonist
Fiskerton: second-tier protagonist
Komodo: second-tier protagonist
Argost: main antagonist
Munya: secondary main antagonist/Argost’s second and third pair of arms
Ulraj: third-tier protagonist
Dr. Beeman: second-tier main character
Dr. Cheechoo: second-tier main character
Dr. Cheeveyo: third-tier main character
Dr. Bara: single-use plot device character from s1e25
Odele: fourth-tier protagonist (whose side was he on in the Secret Scientist fight?) in two episodes
Epsilon: second- to third-tier antagonist
Francis: third-tier antagonist
Having fun yet?
Joseph: fourth-tier antagonist from s1e16
Ron Bantington: single-use plot device character from s2e1
Pierre Groshomme: single-use plot device character from s2e6
Professor Misuki: fourth-tier main character
Shoji Fuzen: fourth-tier antagonist in two episodes
Eterno: fourth-tier antagonist from s1e11
Maboul: fourth-tier protagonist (barely)
Baron Finster: fourth-tier antagonist
Basil Lancaster: single-use plot device character from s1e15
Bud Harger: single-use plot device character from s1e21
Charles: single-use plot device character from s1e9
Dr. Lee: single-use plot device character from s1e15
Cody: single-use rando from s1e21
Gokul: single-use plot device character from s2e5
Ian: single-use background rando from s1e9
Since Tumblr doesn’t allow numbering to continue after linebreaks, we’re up to 30 now.
The Constable: single-use plot device character from s1e9
Leonidas van Rook: third-tier main character
Piecemeal: fourth-tier antagonist and source of much wasted potential
Zak Monday: third-tier antagonist
Doc Monday: fourth-tier antagonist
Komodo Monday: third-tier antagonist
Fiskerton Monday: fourth-tier antagonist
Unnamed Agent #2: single-use background rando from s1e23
Unnamed Agent #3: single-use background rando from s1e23
Wyatt: single-use rando from s1e21
Drew and Doyle’s dad: single-use plot device character from s1e7
Ulraj’s dad: single-use plot device character from s1e6
FORTY-TWO 👏 GODDAMN 👏 MEN👏 AND 👏 SIXTEEN 👏 WOMEN. Y’all. Oh my god.
Going further, I want to look at stereotyping. Now, you can get some of that by looking at the other parts of this post series (torpedo tits discussion in the character design post whaaaaaat) but I want to go deeper.
Of the sixteen TSS women:
5 are love interests of male characters (Drew is Doc’s wife and she also dated van Rook, Drew Monday is Doc Monday’s wife, Abbey dated Doyle, Wadi is Zak’s crush) + everybody ships Miranda Grey with Beeman in some capacity
4 characters are explicitly known to be mothers, and in two cases it’s central to their identity insofar as that it’s how we refer to them (Drew, Drew Monday, Drew and Doyle’s mom and Charles and Lily’s mom)
4 have no speaking or communication with humans other than through Zak’s cryptid powers (Unnamed Agent #1, Drew and Doyle’s mom, Zon and her antimatter counterpart)
3 of them aren’t human or humanoid (Rani Nagi, Zon and her antimatter counterpart)
3 have no names (Unnamed Agent #1, Drew and Doyle’s mom and Charles and Lily’s mom)
8 of them only appear in one episode apiece (Sita, Tica, Lily, Charles and Lily’s mom, Drew and Doyle’s mom, Unnamed Agent #1, Ruby, Dr. Pachacutec) + the reappearance of Zon’s antimatter counterpart is very short and doesn’t add much to the episode it’s in.
Only 1 of them is depicted as being “older,” or in the “gray hair and wrinkles” stage (Dr. Pachacutec)
I know what you’re going to say. “But Lilly, if you divide them all into categories, of course it’s going to sound bad!” Well...
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/e2940e9547de031552d91f3b286a2002/tumblr_inline_p5myhvsEAs1rah2th_500.jpg)
Only 5 of the men are without names, which makes there be a higher percentage of unnamed women than men (18.75% of women to 12.5% of men)
The main pro- and antagonists are both male (Zak and Argost)
6 men are explicitly known to be fathers (or raising a child), but in only 2 cases it’s central to their identity insofar as that it’s how we refer to them (Doc, Doc Monday, Maboul, Epsilon, Drew and Doyle’s dad, Ulraj’s father). Although, in the case of Ulraj’s father, he’s often referred to as the King of Kumari Kandam as well, so that adds another layer. There’s no concrete way to refer to the female characters without names because “Blackwell” is only suspected to be Drew’s maiden name (Jay Stephens can @ me about that) and Charles and Lily’s mom can be referred to as something like “Owlman victim” but not really much else.
10 male characters are non-humans (Argost, Munya, Fisk, Komodo, Fiskerton Monday, Komodo Monday, Eterno, Professor Misuki, Ulraj and Ulraj’s father) but of those non-humans nearly all of them can speak or communicate with humans (Fisk, Fiskerton Monday, Komodo and Munya don’t speak) as opposed to the three non-human female characters (Rani Nagi, Zon and her antimatter counterpart) two of whom can’t do either unless you have cryptid powers (Zon and her antimatter counterpart)
Only 2 of the men have no speaking or otherwise communicating during their appearances (Drew and Doyle’s dad and Ulraj’s father) out of the whole 42 of them, even the plot device characters say something except for two who only appear in flashbacks. That’s opposed to 4 of the 16 women who don’t speak or otherwise communicate and 2 of the female characters can’t communicate at all (see above). Those two percentages are hugely different. (4.76% of men vs. a full 25% of women)
At least 6 of the male characters are in the “gray hair and/or wrinkles” stage. (Dr. Lee, Professor Misuki’s human body, van Rook, Baron Finster, Basil Lancaster, Ian) Now, 6 out of 42 is NOT a high number (see above). But it’s a lot higher than the number of women who were allowed to look that way. Thank God they treated Pachacutec with some dignity, even though she only appeared in one episode.
How’s that for “bad if you put it that way?”
Now, listen. I’m not calling TSS a bad show. I fucking lived and breathed this shit for YEARS as a kid, and I’m still very impressed with it- on other levels than gender equality. The thing about it is that it was most likely intended for boys, the idea was conceived by a man, and it was produced in 2008 American society. The whole thing is covered in latent sexism like a minivan is covered in snot. Just because you don’t see the nasty doesn’t mean it’s not there.
I still like the show for reasons that tie into my earlier point about stereotyping: TSS breaks a bunch of them.
A highly educated, rich black man
A happy interracial relationship
Parents who are just the right level of involved with their child instead of being helicopters or ignorant assholes
Not drawing negative attention to the hijabi character at all
The women aren’t nags
No one is reduced to labels like “woman” or “Native American guy”
That’s the thing that we miss sometimes: you can love something while still realizing its faults, and TSS has faults along with its goodness. Namely the gender imbalance, but you can read my other problems with the series in my other posts tagged #tss project.
#tss project#long post#the secret saturdays#tss#sex tw#?#i just use the word theres nothing graphic#i'm on my high horse#feminism
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--------------------------------Chris Fleming ‘Car Rants’ Sentence Starters some may be nsfw or triggering. change pronouns as needed.
Adventure Dad “It is such a turn off to see a family have scheduled fun.” “Witnessing an adventure family in the throes of an outdoor activity makes me want to put myself in a pelican’s mouth and tell him ‘Just drive.’” “The smile of a father with three sons- all of whom snowboard- is so confrontational, it reads as indecent exposure.” “Connecticut is like the high-schooler wrestling with whether or not he can pull off a baseball cap.” “You know that kind of ‘I’m gonna go through a shoplifting phase and get away with it’ shade of blonde.” “You’re looking at me like a greeter at the Apple store.”
The Majesty of Homophobes (& Makeup Tutorials) “The thing I’ve always admired about townie homophobes is how effortlessly they hold a beer can.” “This is the kind of body you look at and you’re like ‘he’d probably be okay in space without a space suit.’” “I almost envy that beer can- to be held like that.” “That’s the next Pixar movie right there. The story of one homophobe with the cards stacked against him on a journey to prove that he is just as backwards thinking and emotionally repressed as his crew.” “She’s one of those girls who looks like she might be lip gloss disguised as a person.” “I happen to have really big pores. As you can see, I have two really big pores here at the bottom of my nose.” “They call me Popcorn _____; I don’t know why. I know why. I eat all the popcorn.” “What I love about this eyeshadow is it says ‘the only song I’ve ever heard is Pour Some Sugar On Me and I’m not sure where Seattle is.’” “This is a great blush if you’re serious about robbing a TGI Fridays.”
What To Do If Your Boyfriend Proposes on Christmas Eve “This may seem harsh, but he needs to be treated like the night lizard that he is.” “It’s a partnership. You think Ben snuck up on Jerry one day with a waffle cone and took a knee?” “For a guy who thinks that musicals are ‘kinda gay,’ you’re behaving a lot like the kind of guy that Rogers and Hammerstein would dream up while sixty-nining on a piano.” “Nothing gives me the heebies and the jeebies like when the boyfriend consults the parents before he consults her.” “Unless you rode out of your mother’s uterus on a BMX bike, popping a wheelie, there is no excuse to be named Zach.” “Quiche is just pizza that went to private school.” “The Boston Globe should be written in size 72 comic sans. You get more information by reading the cover of Cat Fancy.”
Theater Kids “Theater kids keep to themselves for most of the year- giving each other back rubs in black box theaters or three-way kissing at cast parties in Chinese buffets- but every so often, when Broadway goes Hollywood, they will descend upon Regal Cinemas like locusts in jazz flats.” “If you ever see a theater girl in a sling, just know that it was a Frozen soundtrack related fender bender.” “It’s like Minotaur; you don’t wanna make it mad but you certainly don’t wanna turn it on.” “Enlisting your facebook friends to help you choose your headshots is on the same moral level as taking people and keeping them prisoner in your house for fifteen years.”
Jimmy Buffett “Everyone thinks the biggest threat to America right now is ISIS, North Korea, global warming. Nope, it’s Jimmy Buffett.” “On the eve of your fiftieth birthday, Jimmy Buffett slides down your chimney and tries to convince you to throw in the towel.” “Let’s get fat tonight. Shit out your dreams in a TGI Friday’s.” “Get in a fistfight with your son at an Applebee’s. When the waitress breaks it up, plant one on her cheek and complain about the president.” “Quit your day job and help me throw chicken nuggets at my neighbor’s fruity son.” “Every day is a vacation when you are a huge fuck up.” “I used to have dreams and hopes and ambitions, and now look at me. I’m at a poolside bar and I couldn’t name a book if I had to.”
D Batteries “Anything that requires D batteries needs to get over itself.” “Here is a list of things that would make sense to power using a D battery: a mini cooper, a small plane, Bjork, a Carnival cruise ship, a fucking lighthouse, Disneyworld.” “I would have bought neither and saved the money for a cruise where I can get close enough to suck on the coral reef and tell a platypus my secrets.” “I need to you to make it near a popsicle because I want that summertime vibe because I miss summer and I miss my girls.” “Everyone talks about how great the working conditions are at Google but no one will go into specifics. What does that mean? One word: Pokemon. They’ve bred Pokemon.” “Wait until Diglett realizes he doesn’t have a mouth. Then you’re gonna have to call up Laura Dern and Dennis Nedry ‘cause you’re gonna be in a whole world of bullshit.”
Halloween Candy Countdown “What kind of a prude eats a Crunch bar? You might as well just eat toast.” “Charleston Chews should be sold at Home Depot in the lumber section.” “This is a candy that predates women’s suffrage and it tastes like it.” “I feel like Area 51 is just 3 Muskateers headquarters and it’s where they keep their filling.”
Blocking Your Ears in Public “I’m talking about the kind of guy you’d see at a Home Depot kneeling down in the lumber section, just praying that his son’s not bi.” “She is in the eighth ring of Dante’s Inferno where you have to jack off a Minotaur while eating a jalapeno.” “I firmly believe that president Michelle Obama and first lady Joe Biden should send them to Epcot center to live and die on the teacup ride.” “You can’t name yourself The Edge, especially when you look like a shut in trying to muster up the courage to go to a little league game.”
Baby Got Back brings out the worst in people “Does everyone think that they’re the only person who knows all the lyrics to Baby Got Back?” “Look, I’m happy that you know all the lyrics but please don’t scream them into my cheeks.” “The pride and rage that these people are feeling; it’s a real cole slaw of emotions.” “I’m just alone on the dance floor. I’m in the middle of what, to a non-English speaker must look like a prison riot.” “Everyone’s looking at me like I’m at an Eyes Wide Shut party uninvited.”
Purple Cauliflower “Barney’s stuck under the veggies and only his pubes are showing." “We gotta get Barney out of here! Let’s not make Baby Bop a widow tonight!” “We’re gonna have to make Grimace breed with a cauliflower.” “This is not a veggie. This is an STI that Tinky Winky picked up in a jacuzzi.”
NYU “Oh my god, NYU? Lena Dunham’s crabs went there.” “If only we could find a way, as a nation, to harness the power of the erections that NYU students have about going to NYU.” “NYU is just girls in fedoras trying to get addicted to cigarettes.” “Whenever anyone gets to the end of those Buzzfeed quizzes, their laptop camera should just miraculously turn on, forcing them to confront that haunting, pasty image of themselves.” “Why do I look like an owl prostitute?” “I am thrilled to announce that I have a five year unpaid internship changing Marina Abramovic’s diaper.”
Bread Bowl “Panera is just McDonald’s that studied abroad in France and came back wearing a beret and cigarette jeans, thinking it’s the shit because it got fingered by a mime.” “Was nobody gonna tell me that a bread bowl is just a Trojan horse for soup?” “Who owns Panera? Ashton Kunis?” “I need to see an angry movie. I need to watch Hercules, I’m so mad right now.” “Somebody call Wayne Brady ‘cause I’m gonna die tonight! I don’t know why I brought Wayne Brady into it but I did.” “Ben Folds’ music is just him screaming people’s names, banging his elbows against a baby grand.” “I love to get post traumatic stress during my lunch.” “Somebody send me into space because I can’t be a part of this world anymore. It’s getting too embarrassing.” “If I wanted to be publicly humiliated, I would stand outside Macy’s and announce that my husband doesn’t have a happy trail but that my daughter does.”
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