#god love her! not shading her! just saying as far as personalities meshing goes

[butmakeitgayblog]

Based on your tags, I thought you were gonna say something along the lines of finally having her fingers all to yourself

Lol I'm taking the question seriously, sheesh. And. Well. I mean she's a straight woman, so while yeah I go wild in my tags with jokes, realistically my guess is spending a day with her would be exactly the same as hanging out with any other straight girl. Especially one who has always lived as affluently as she has. Except she's also beautiful so I would have a hard time not just staring at her stupidly pretty face 😅

[nandabell]

Highlight be poppin.

Headcanon bout how our favorite shy bois cant stop staring at their fem crushes and their BOMB highlight. Bois that appreciate your makeup? Ooof!THATS MY TYPE.

Characters: izuku shoto Iida tokoyami

Izuku

He always stares with wide eyes and mouth hanging open when she walks past.

He cant help but think that they're so pretty when they smile. Her sparkling cheeks accentuated natural beauty.

Someone call a medic!

Her highlighted button nose has him blushing. So cute!

"I-i like how you did your makeup today" he shyly complimented.

The light pink highlighter she decided to use today looks STUNNING. HE CANT BREATH. WHERES THAT MEDIC!?

smiling brightly at him. "Thanks! I like your hair, its cute."

MOTHER FUCKIN HEART SQUEEZE.

And just when izuku thinks she cant get any beautiful, they show up to class the next day, cheeks, nose, cupid's bow, dusted in a light green highlight with small silver flecks of glitter.

OH MAMA.

He's speechless. Literally.

Noticing his staring when she sits down. Giggling at his expression.

"You like it?"

He nods furiously.

"Good. You inspired me to use green."

His face goes red, stuttering, then faints falling out of his desk.

The whole class turns to look back when they hear her shocked scream of "I-izuku-kun!?!?!"

Shoto

He has no idea what that bright sheen on her face is, but he cant stop staring at it.

Hes slightly blinded by its glow when the light hits it just right. But it suits her bright personality.

That shit was brighter than his future henny

He's always entranced by the different colors she wears each day. And cant help but think how gorgeous it looks on her.

And no matter how crowded it was in a room, he could always spot her right away. No doubt because of how the glittery highlight always manages to catch his eye.

He wont say it out loud but he thinks she looks her best when she wore only lip gloss and a strong highlight.

He thinks she's very pretty when she's smiling. The peach highlight with flecks of gold making her look so angelic.

He not blushing....

When he get caught staring he turns his head quickly away. "Is there something on my face?" She questioned.

"I...just noticed your...uh shiny cheeks..." he says. "Oh you mean my highlight?"

"Yes...it looks...nice"

She beams at his compliment and thanked him.

A couple days later she arrives to class, but he notices the lack of glow on her face. Hes kinda disappointed. When she sits in the seat beside him, and gives him a beautiful smile. He give a small one back.

Before he can question why she wasn't wearing any highlight, she's reaching into her bag. Pulling out a small compact.

"I got a new highlight!" She says excitedly opening the compact.

He just watches as she pulled out a small makeup brush and starts applying the product on her face.

His eyes grow wide and the duo chrome glow renders him speechless. It's a light red with orange and hot pink glitters meshed together. And its AMAZING.

Oh shit he likes it a lot.

When she's finished she looks to shoto. "Like it?"

He cant help but say yes. He's an honest boi after all.

Iida

Iida is not the type of person to get distracted easily.

But when his crush walks into class each day, he's forced to notice how she lights up the room.

Her highlight was ALWAYS on fleek.

He can't deny that she looks so good.

Be still his beating heart!

He admires the way the champagne highlight compliments her complexion.

He likes the way it makes her skin look slightly dewy and soft.

He also likes how her cupids bow is lightly dusted with the powder. Making them look more perked and kissable.

Is it hot in here??

She notices him looking at her at lunch. He blushes and tries to look like hes busy eating. "See something you like Iida-kun?" She teases. Making him flush harder.

He quickly apologises for staring. She just laughs it off. "Its okay, Iida-kun!" "It was rude of me to stare! Please forgive me!" She does.

His friends chuckle at his flustered state.

He feels like an idiot for gawking at her. But when she's smiling so prettily, her face glowing. He couldn't help it. She was so alluringly beautiful.

Tokoyami

He always thought he was a lover of dark and gloomy things.

But he finds that he doesn't mind her colorfully bright face.

In fact he LOVES it when she shows up in class with a blinding highlight.

Hes amazed at how she mixes glitter in with the highlight sometimes. Making it more intense and beautiful.

He compliments her one day. She smiles and thanks him. "You're so nice fumikage-kun!"

He preens at the smile he was able to put on her face. And his heart flutters.

From then on he always makes sure to let her know he likes her highlight.

She soaks up the compliments with genuine happiness. "Your spoiling me with all the compliments!"

He loves it.

All shades and colors of highlight always look good on her.

But his favorite one by far was a lavender one she wore one day. She had mixed in small black duo chrome stars with it. Giving her an almost ethereal look.

By the gods...she was GORGEOUS.

Someone get dis boi some water!

He wants her to wear this all the time.

Maybe he'll work up the courage to tell her. For now he was going to admire her bomb ass glow.

End.

Welp..

I'm happy now. We need more bnha boys appreciating makeup fics. So if you happen to write one let a hoe know!

[ruffled-serpent]

Nethke’s Lair Review

@the-belows-128375​  You’re up, friend!

To start I want to say that right off the bat I noticed that you seem to have a soft spot for guardians! They’re quite excellent dragons, so I understand the sentiment. And also I enjoy how you seem to have a nice, organized biography template that you use for dragons that have lore. The templates you use are legible, and a great reference for both quick refreshers on the dragon’s personality and good for deep diving into their lore. First up, your namesake

Nethke

I like the wild ride of a backstory you gave Nethke, going from abandoned egg, to loner, to slave, and finally ending up in a welcoming home is such a great direction to take this dragon. What I particularly adore about the aesthetics of this dragon is you found a way to incorporate the reds of her tertiary into a nice gradient that shifts into pinks accomplished by your chosen accent and halo. The blues of the cloak mesh nicely with the secondary color AND gene. Excellent work all around in making this genone work so well

Nothing

Nothing really caught my eye due to her name, so I had to click to see if she had some juicy lore. I was rewarded because her lore is incredibly captivating. I personally love shade-related lore, and Nothing is such an interesting way to do just that. I really resonate with the quote in her bio that reads: ”That feeling when you're halfway through a really delicious thing, and you're like "should I finish this?" and you're physically full, but then you're like, "I'm eating this anyways"” because what a dang mood. As for aesthetics, I want to compliment you on your use of matching her browns with the garb and her eyes with the cloak. I imagine you chose her for the muted colors, wanting her to be a shade-touched dragon, and by golly you’ve done a great job with her.

BloodMixer

The whole ebonhide estate tab has me super intrigued, but BloodMixer drew me in on aesthetics alone. He is SUCH a handsome looking dragon. The way you’ve matched the celebration sage with the gold opal is utterly satisfying. The way his ice eyes blend in to look like just another star involved with the StarCon combo is quite lovely. His familiar, the harvest hardshell is such an excellent match as well, with the deeper oranges and tan of the cornucopia matching not only with the dragons own orange range them but with the little Olive wreath apparel as well. A subtle detail that didn’t go unnoticed here :)

Yaremka

Yaremka is such an excellent use of the festival skin, but what I most admire about the way you’ve dressed her is your use of the luminous sundrapes to frame her wings SO nicely. The small empty space is still visually pleasing, and if anything were to fill it, it would probably make the dragon look too busy. What an excellent light representative all around! I also enjoy the feisty wildclaw nature that comes out in her lore.

Firestarter

although not as dressed up as some other dragons I want to talk about how much I LOVE firestarter’s look. I’m not sure if you were going for this angle, but the use of terracotta ghost makes his ribs look like I’m peering into the grate of a furnace. It so wonderfully matches the grating on the banner as well. This dragon literally represents a furnace and I’m absolutely here for this aesthetic

Pandoriax

Pandoriax’s accent goes SO well with facet and opal. It brings in nice flashes of purple which lets the eye wander around the whole dragon which guides the viewer to admire the whole dragon. The wisps and the gloomwillow guide is an excellent combination here and their bright blues mesh well with the accent and the opal gene. Pandoriax is a stunning and beautiful dragon.

Marlowe

Marlowe’s aesthetics really nail down the whole “light dragon accepted into Earth culture” theme. Marlowe’s lore is so amazingly detailed. I love how as a dragonling you’ve given him a lisp and how you illustrated him correcting his lisp overtime. That is such a small, but fantastic detail that just makes the whole piece seem so full. Speaking of full, Marlow looks like he’s filled with gems. The opal gene and the earth halo combined with the gold from his accent is SUCH a fantastic way to bring out the Earth aesthetic. He is such an entertaining dragon to not only look at, but to read about as well

Wistala

Wistala is such a sparkly dragon. I really like how you’ve used the accent to match her tertiary color and her crystal facet genes. The purple gradient also works nicely together with the browns in her apparel, and I like how you matched the white cloth from the gem thief with the map kit. I also rather enjoy how you incorporated her cat into her lore :) a very well put together dragon!

Beautiful Dreamer

There are so many things I like about this dragon. As far as looks, I like the accent paired with the poison primary. The color matching is so spot on. I also really like how he is a dream specialist, and how that can easily tie into his smoke gene. I love it when genes are integrated with lore, and Dreamer’s a fantastic example of it. Speaking of lore, I adore Baku’s involvement in Dreamer’s life, and I’m glad you gave such a cool dragon a happily ever after.

A Practical Heart

right off the bat, A Practical Heart is such a romantic looking dragon. The reds of his accent, flowers, and coat only emphasize the passion, and while this dragon doesn’t have lore in his bio, it almost isn’t needed to at least assume to motive behind his design. I like the small amount of mystery we get from having his eyes covered by the hat. The storytelling done with just his outfit is commendable

A Practical God

I’m sensing a theme here with the names, and honestly I love it. It’s such an intriguing mechanic. So, with A Practical God, I like how you’ve use the skincent to turn the dragon into a ghostly shadow god. The skull and antlers really bring home that “old god” type aesthetic while the magic cards are a good visual storytelling on what we can expect his powers to be. Another great visually based dragon

Practical Bones

I get a witch doctor kind or a vulture culture kind of vibe from this dragon. I can appreciate the raven armor and the birdskull apparel pieces as a part of this dragons collection or aesthetic. I’ve always admired how the raven armor gives dragons an entirely armored leg, and I particularly enjoy the layering you did here with the wingsilks. Sometimes it can be hard working with blacks in regards to apparel because of the differing tones, but you handled that very well in this greyscale themed dragon.

Forgemaker

The use of the skincent and crucible here is just so dang flawless. It almost looked like the crucible was part of the skin until I realized the smoke was definitely a part of an apparel item. The whites involved in this dragon remind me of fallen ash, and work so well with a fire-themed dragon. And while Forgemaker doesn’t have much lore, the small bit in his bio is very telling. Defecting to the Other Power is so ominous and hints so something much larger.

Bayer

Bayer is such an amazing looking arcane dragon. From deep purples to light pinks you’ve worked with such a great range in both Bayer’s genetic colors and apparel items. I love that you’ve chosen a dragon with a dark primary, it brings out all the other details of his apparel and genes that would be washed out if it were any brighter. Everything flows so nicely here, what an intelligent design and inspiration.

Rumple

For Rumple, everything also flows nicely here. The secondary gene you’ve picked for him goes perfectly with the electricity of the stormclaws. I love how close the robin/cyan colors match. Given that he’s the engineer of the estate, you’ve pictured his skill of tinkering well with the steampunk gloves, circuit accent, and again the stormclaws. His spines match so well with the vest, and while not perfectly matched the dark colors do go hand in hand with the lead wings. Lastly, the Sentry Squawker as his familiar is such a great way to drive home the engineering theme you’ve created for him.

Nethke, from your lair I feel like I’ve learned a great deal about visual storytelling. And with dragons that you’ve written lore for, it feels full and enriching. Nothing feels like it’s too much or overdone. Thank you for letting me review your lair!

[artificialqueens]

If Samson and Delilah Lived Happily Ever After (Sashea) - Melon

A/N: Sasha is still unprepared but maybe now Shea is too. Slam poets AU part 2, this time they might actually speak to each other. This is a little more heavy on Sasha’s friendships than the last chapter. If you wanna squeal with me about gay shit, come talk to me at my fic blog @artificialmelon !

Part One

Why.

Why did she have to include a winky face.

Sasha asks herself this as she paces around her tiny studio apartment at two PM on Sunday, hands firmly planted on her waist in worry. It makes no sense. Why would she do such a completely stupid thing? Couldn’t she just write a note, like a normal person? Sasha is reasonably sure that winky face would be the reason Shea won’t be interested in her. She knows it. Shea wouldn’t think of the winky face as the dealbreaker, but she’d think that Sasha’s vibe would be a little off-putting, a little too much. Miniscule mistakes in the early stages can ruin a budding relationship, something Sasha knows well but chose to ignore when she added that fucking winky face.

Not that Sasha is planning their relationship, but it might lead somewhere, someday, and she doesn’t want her overuse of flirtatious punctuation to be the death of them. The winky face was just too bold, especially so soon.

“Oh my god, Sasha, shut up!”

Sasha looks up from her pacing to meet the eyes of an annoyed Peppermint. She’d barely realized how long-winded she’d become in her rant until Peppermint interjected. Rambling on about a single emoji does seem absurd, if Sasha thought about it objectively, but her heart just wouldn’t slow down.

on computer now so i’ll be able to respond faster

“I know, Pep, I know. It’s just- you didn’t see her. You don’t know.” Sasha says, falling back onto her beaten up sofa and pulling Vanya from his place on the floor onto her lap. She ignores his noise of complaint as she settles him on top of her, in desperate need of his support.

“No, I didn’t see Miss ‘God In Heels’, but I do know you. Any girl would be lucky to have you, and if she’s scared off by something tiny like this, she’s not the one,” Peppermint has a calming presence; she’s just one of those people that give the impression of being unbelievably kind. It drew Sasha to her initially, and annoys her now. “It’ll be fine, even if all the things you’re thinking do come true.”

Sasha groans, smushing her face into Vanya’s neck, as though all her problems would disappear if she couldn’t see them. Vanya accepts his fate as a comfort pillow at this point, not making any additional complaints. She’s quiet for a moment, silently accepting the fact that she’s being irrational.

“I hate it when you’re right.”

———-

The next week passes at a tortuous pace. Time stops for hours at a time, progress moving far too slowly for Sasha’s tastes. Every day, she goes to work, sells picture books to overexcited children and 50 Shades to blushing suburban moms. The bookstore is stagnant, uncaring and unchanging, but the feeling seems to follow Sasha throughout the day, regardless of whether she’s in the store or not. She just happens to feel it most deeply while she’s working, as she reads through books of poetry and is reminded of Shea. The books in the store are much more flowery than Shea’s work. Sasha decides Shea probably wouldn’t like them; coincidentally, Sasha doesn’t like them much either.

The world moves just a little bit faster as she closes up shop on Saturday night. The sign painted with the shop’s name sways gently in the wind.

The cold city air hits Sasha the moment she steps outside the comfort of her tiny corner of New York. The wind forces a blush onto her face, lungs protesting the assault. She pulls her coat tightly around her body, setting off quickly.

Quickly.

The week was like molasses, clinging to her skin until now, her escape. Sasha is left with only the cold, the sound of her feet hitting the sidewalk, and the excitement of knowing she would return to the bar in a matter of hours.

She, Aja, and Peppermint plan to meet at Sasha’s apartment two hours before the show, to paint their faces and plan outfits, like Sasha hasn’t had hers worked out for days. At the bar, Sasha’s friends would, as Peppermint put it, “Get to know Shea, maybe make Sasha regret all of her life choices.” Sasha’s actually looking forward to a fun night out with her friends, sweetened with the possibility of seeing Shea again.

As soon as she enters her apartment, Sasha knows she’s made a huge mistake. The electric heater and the speakers are both at maximum capacity, the way Aja likes it, and her lamps have been replaced by what appears to be every candle in the city, the way Peppermint likes it. The two both seem well on their way to tipsy, glasses of red wine hanging from their fingertips as they cackle about something or other - likely Sasha. Her spare key is set carefully on the side table, presumably by Peppermint, and a pair of heels Sasha recognizes as Aja’s are hanging precariously from Sasha’s coat hang.

“Hey Aja, why didn’t you put your heels on the fucking shoe rack like a halfway decent person?” Sasha asks fondly. Aja is an asshole, but Sasha finds herself liking her more and more.

“Because why? Because I wanted to,” Aja says with a flourish of her wine glass, almost spilling but narrowly avoiding a mess and a lecture. Sasha sets her bag next to Aja’s heels on the hang, turning on the lights in the same minute. Aja and Peppermint yell Sasha’s name in tandem, groaning because of the sudden light.

Sasha smiles at the continued protests of her friends. Being nine years younger than Peppermint, she never expected to end up as the mom friend. Wine changes people.

“Come on, we’ve gotta get ready.”

Begrudgingly, Peppermint leads Aja from the couch to the bathroom to get ready. Aja models for them in her outfit, posing in various increasingly sexual ways. Peppermint pushes Sasha into her bedroom to get her own clothes on.

Standing alone in the relatively cold bedroom, Sasha suddenly feels disconnected from the warmth just in the next room. She’s more grounded, taking these fleeting moments alone to touch base with herself, keep from being swept up in the glory of the night. She squeezes into her tight black pencil skirt and red heels, meeting her own eyes in the full length mirror. Tonight would be a good night. She might even talk to Shea tonight.

When Sasha returns, Pep is perched on her sink, finishing her eyes, and Aja is seated on the floor under her. Both women face her, and Sasha felt uncomfortable for a second as they appraised her, but relaxed when Pep grinned.

“I like it…but you could do with a little more skin,” Peppermint jokes, turning back to the mirror. Aja nods her agreement, but says Sasha should only fuck with her own personal style and Peppermint just loves showing off her cleavage too much. “Why shouldn’t I? I paid enough for them,” laughs Peppermint, adding a generous amount of highlighter to her chest in rebellion.

“We don’t all have those,” Aja replies, poking Peppermint’s breasts.

The rest of the getting-ready passes in a blur of laughter, music, and alcohol. Sasha is talked into switching her turtleneck for a translucent mesh shirt and pasties, something she knows she’ll regret. Before Sasha knows it, she’s walking down the sidewalk, arms linked with her favorite people, still giddy with the joy of new and old friends.

They roll into the bar mere minutes before the show starts, settling themselves in a small booth with a clear line of vision to the stage. A new host opens the show, introducing the first poet, someone Sasha doesn’t recognize but who’s clearly been here before. Lina or something. She does a piece on paranoia that Sasha likes. Everyone who stood on that stage is talented, in wildly different ways. Tina, or whatever her name is, embodies her poetry, conveying it with ease, pure articulation of her raw soul. Farrah’s is filled with flowers and sweet romance, a touch of bite when needed. Another act, named Valentina, charmed the audience with her beauty and ambition.

Until it’s Shea’s turn.

There is nothing like Shea Couleé. Every performer has talent, but in Sasha’s eyes, Shea is the definition of talent. The rest of the bar doesn’t move with Shea like Sasha does, but everyone feels her gravitational pull. Every eye stays on her as she begins to speak.

“Bare bones.

Raw. A warrior’s spirit in tattered clothes.

That is my word. my work.

I am bare bones. The flesh ripped away, torn from totality, And yet. Violence creates divinity. Exposed rib turns ivory.

Bone is more permanent, more useful than flesh.

Bone, when shattered and crushed, still has purpose.

The same cannot be said for the pliance of meat.

My bones Are worth something.

I am worth something.”

It’s short, but Shea’s always are. It’s how they’re intended to be. A piece so short should be lacking something, missing a stanza on its way to completion, but it doesn’t need the filler words. Surplus doesn’t belong in Shea Couleé’s world unless it’s in cash or casual conversation.

Sasha couldn’t look away, couldn’t even try to, which seems to be a recurring theme. She knows Peppermint and Aja will tease her for it later, but no amount of future embarrassment could convince Sasha to not watch Shea, even after her performance ended, even after it’s no longer socially acceptable for Sasha to follow Shea with her gaze. Nothing matters but getting as much of Shea as possible.

Shea locks eyes with Sasha as she walks off the stage, an unspoken promise between them. Sasha would stay this time, wait for Shea after the stage lights shut off and the patrons began filing out.

Shea would find her, and Sasha would let her.

The rest of the show means nothing. Peppermint’s laugh of earth to Sasha, Aja’s eyeroll pass over Sasha like water. She barely registers the two of them loudly discussing her, or their comedic attempts at catching her attention. Eventually, they give up with a sigh and something about how she’s too far gone at this point. Sasha almost feels the need to interject, but then Shea comes out for her second poem and it slips her mind.

“I would like to say, just before I start, that this is an invitation, not a command. Don’t go thinking I’m trying to be weird here,” Shea says. She doesn’t seem the type to preface herself with a warning of any kind. Shea wears hesitancy like last year’s winter coat, dated and ill-fitting, forgotten until somehow it made its way onto her body as a last resort. Sasha knows she’s about to do something incredibly dangerous.  

“She walked in here red lips and glory, wide rim glasses, margarita salt lining her throat, fingers dipped in whisky.

She intoxicates me.

She walked in here, made me want that second sip, left before I could taste it.

I have a theory that you belong on my tongue.

Hopefully, you agree.”

Sasha feels herself melt, trying and failing to keep from showing it. She’s giving into this person she’s never spoken to, who’s never heard her say a single word. Objectively, they mean nothing to each other, and in practice that’s true. They could both walk away right now, and their lives would barely change.

They wouldn’t.

Shea breaks eye contact first, stepping off the stage to let the host close out the show. Sasha turns to her friends, wild eyed.

“You guys have to go. Please. Or at least, like, stand by the bar and do not engage,” Sasha says, pleading with the last traces of humanity she knows are buried in her friends.

“What?” Peppermint smiles in disbelief, her tongue stud catching the dim lighting. Both she and Aja are staring at Sasha as though she’s said she’ll be moving to Alaska tomorrow morning.

“She’s going to come over here to talk to me, and I know you. Both of you. So I’m giving you a free pass to say anything you want, mercilessly dig into me for my middle school level crush on a woman I barely know, just as long as you do it when she’s not around. Now go. Go!” Sasha ushers her friends out of the booth, cringing at their wide smiles. Aja leaves with a crack about safe sex being good sex, and Peppermint blows Sasha a kiss as the two head towards the bar.

Sasha positions herself in the booth to look as nonchalant as possible, pulling out her phone to casually scroll through social media. She’s being chill. She’s a chill person, being chill.

That plan flies out the window the moment she sees Shea. Up close, she should be more godly. The confidence, the curve of her lips and cut of her jaw, they should all add up to an untouchable person. But instead, Shea is just a little more human than the rest of society. She is the earth, the forest, and every sea. Great, vast, and completely within Sasha’s grasp.

“Hi,” Shea says.

“Hi,” Sasha replies.

“I’m Shea,” she slides into the booth, across from Sasha.

“I know. I’m Sasha.”

“I know.”

They look at each other in silence for a long minute, finding certainty in their natural chemistry across ten words. Shea finds herself saying, “Can we skip this part?”

She’s glad she said it when Sasha smiles, nodding enthusiastically, and says, “Yes please,” as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world, to skip the barest of introductions when they’ve never spoken before. The conversation pauses, spaces between them overflowing with certainty.

“Do you believe in language as a byproduct of thought, or thought as a bastard child of language?” Sasha says, stumbling over her own forwardness. Sasha watched Shea’s eyebrows shoot up, surprise accentuating her perfect features. To her credit, she recovers quickly, despite being faced with the unexpected.

“Obviously, thought came first. Without the ability to think, we would have no ability to speak. Just because speech couldn’t, like, be expressed before thought, doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. It was still there, just not articulated,” Shea responds. Sasha smiles, properly, displaying her teeth. She takes a sip of her drink.

“But was thought of those days even thought, relative to what we now know thought to be? Can we even consider the ideas that birthed language real thought?” Sasha says, and clearly she’s had this discussion before. Her voice has a playful edge, she’s all smiles and tilted head; it’s not fair at all, but Shea gets the sense that her answer doesn’t really matter, just that she can come up with one on the spot, and support it. She’s being tested. Teasingly, but undeniably.

“Was language even language? Can we consider ancient language true speech, relative to what we now know it to be? That’s circular, and the fact remains that the ancient concept of thought led to the ancient concept of language. If a caveman thinks, rock, get me rock, he’s still thinking, and that thought leads to him developing the words to tell someone to get him his fuckin’ rock,”

Shea knows she’s got Sasha pinned when Sasha’s only response is, “But why is the caveperson in your story a man?”

Sasha bursts into laughter, Shea soon following. The conversation is ridiculous in the first place. It’s entirely meaningless, but it gives them a sense of who the other person is. Shea is engrossed in their argument over her use of the gendered caveman when suddenly, Sasha is being pulled away from her.

Shea looks up to see a woman dragging Sasha from their booth, smiling brightly at Shea. She’s beautiful, the kind of vibrant that makes her look eternal in a transient world, and Shea wants to like her. If only she didn’t have Sasha by the wrist.

“Sorry, we’ve gotta go, it’s past her bedtime,” the woman jokes, Sasha shooting her a death glare before turning back to Shea. She gets close, leaning into Shea to murmur her goodbye. Shea holds the air in her lungs as Sasha enters her space, believing for a moment Sasha is about to kiss her.

“I agree with you, by the way. Clearly thought came first,” Sasha whispers in her ear, all traces of shyness erased in the first five minutes of their conversation. By the time Shea’s brain is working enough to realize what she is referring to, Sasha’s already being pushed out the door by her friends.

Shea steps out of the booth with purpose, running out into the street after Sasha. In the cold of night, her mind clears slightly, but not enough to inhibit her. The women turn to face her, but Shea only notices Sasha. She needs to do this.

Stepping forward, Shea moves to cup Sasha’s face, but acts too slowly. Sasha reaches her first, wraps her arms around Shea’s neck, pulling her down to meet Sasha’s lips. Sasha’s tenacity is unexpected, but then again, everything about her is.

The kiss isn’t slow and soft, the way first kisses are meant to start. Sasha meets Shea’s lips with an unstoppable force, like Shea is the immovable object she’s been searching for her whole life. Their meeting is explosive. Shea lets Sasha bite her lip, opens her mouth willingly when she feels Sasha’s tongue tracing the same path. She vaguely recognizes the sound of Sasha’s friends whistling and catcalling them, but the part of her that cares is shut down by the feeling of Sasha’s tongue meeting hers.

Shea’s hands are reaching for Sasha’s hair, tangling in the messy blonde curls. Sasha pulls her closer, presses their bodies together, lets her hands drop from Shea’s neck to her waist. The kiss is good. Really good. Recreate a million times over the course of the next fifty years kind of good. Shea pushes that thought to the back of her head.

It’s over too soon, but it must’ve lasted a solid minute. Sasha’s friend’s yells died out about fifteen seconds in, and by the time they part, the two are standing awkwardly instead of smiling. The one Shea doesn’t know mouths what the fuck to Aja. Shea and Sasha stand, foreheads touching, sharing each other’s air for long, stretching moments, before they’re interrupted.

“So as cute as it is to watch you two make out, let’s not do that now,” Aja says, teasingly, but with a degree of truth to her voice. The other woman nods, looking as though she wants to say something, but holding back. Sasha pulls away, a regretful smile on her lips.

“I’ll see you next week,” she whispers, though there’s no illusion of privacy for either of them.

Shea watches her leave once more, afraid that the moment she looks away, Sasha will be gone. Soon enough, Sasha’s gone anyways, around a corner and out of sight. Shea knows she never wants to experience Sasha leaving ever again. She also knows that, inevitably, she will.

At least, for tonight, she’s got the fresh memory of Sasha’s mouth on hers, the feel of Sasha pressed against her. That’s enough for her. For now.

[seriouslyhooked]

Souvenirs (A CS AU) Part 9/14

A Modern CS AU where Emma has grown up in Maine her whole life and runs a store with Ruby and MM. Killian Jones is the new guy in town, who just bought the local bar. Only Emma and Killian have met before and now she can’t help but wonder if their past has influenced his plans for the future. Includes tons of fluff and a happily ever after. Rated M.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight

A/N: This chapter, Emma and Killian are moving her stuff into his house. Emma notes how well their stuff already meshes, but there are a few rooms where she thinks they could use some changes. Killian’s response? Going on an impromptu paint and furniture-shopping trip. Because why not just have domestic fluff bonanza? We deserve it. Anyway thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoy!

God I love this house, Emma thought a few months later as she placed a box down in the kitchen filled with odds and ends that she’d brought from her old apartment. Right behind her was Killian, lugging in the huge artisan mixer that she’d insisted on bringing too. And this man, I really love this man.

Emma had never done this, never taken the plunge of sharing a place with a guy. As a foster kid, all she had ever wanted was a place to call home where she wasn’t surrounded by swarms of people. So when she grew up, she was a little territorial over what was hers, and that included her space. She didn’t really do the roommate thing, never wanted to mesh her things with someone else’s, so to move in with someone, that was probably going to be a lot to handle. Only it didn’t feel that way. Standing in Killian’s house in the early afternoon of a beautiful Saturday felt right and starting to blend her belongings in with his was exhilarating instead of terrifying.

“Are we really doing this right now?” Killian smiled at her question and came around the island to take her into his arms.

“We really, are, Swan.”

He looked almost predatory with the heat in his eyes and Emma thought she was in real trouble of getting sidetracked from the move in the name of pleasure. Not that she’d mind at all, but Killian had gone so far as to higher a team of movers who were less than five minutes behind them. Optimistic as she was recently, she doubted anything truly satisfying could happen in five minutes.

“You love that you’re my first time, don’t you.” She watched his body tense a bit and knew her word choice had turned him on that much more, and then he nodded, bridging the gap between her for a searing kiss.

“You’re first and last.”

The gravel in his voice had Emma inching in closer, trying to get the friction of Killian’s hard body against her. She was succumbing to his raw sex appeal as she always did, and though moments ago she’d been saying it was impossible, Emma now couldn’t seem to care about the potential interruption anymore.

“First and last,” Emma confirmed. She was just about to pull him down for more when the moving truck groaned to a stop outside. With the moment broken, Killian traced his thumb over her bottom lip and looked at her now with a mix of lust and love, her favorite cocktail of emotions.

“We’ll pick this up later.”

“This had better be the fastest move in history.”

Killian laughed heartily at that and took her hand in his, as they let in the movers and directed them with the bits and pieces of furniture that were making the trip from Emma’s house. They’d done their fair share of planning already, and so the move was manageable. Nothing too horrendous, but after a few hours of organizing, Emma still felt like something was slightly off. There were just certain rooms that didn’t fit as well as she’d hoped, or maybe needed a completely different look.

“Everything okay, love?”

“It’s just gonna take some time, I think. To make it really ours.” He looked at her, clearly confused. “Well, I just mean, like there’s some rooms that we might want to consider restyling in a way that would make the things that we both have and love flow better together.”

“So like repainting and getting some new furniture?” Emma smiled, relieved that he understood.

“Exactly!”

“Why would we have to wait for that? Come on love, the day is young, let’s make this house our home today.” Emma let him pull her hand to the door, shocked at his statement.

“You want to get it all done today?” Killian nodded. “There’s no way, we can’t do that. The painting alone for three - no four – rooms would take us at least a week.”

“Ah, but we are more than just us, aren’t we Swan?”

Killian pulled out his phone as they made their way to the porch and down the steps. He opened the door of the car for Emma and then walked around to start it and head out. As he did, he spoke to Graham about procuring some of his workers for the next two days. He’d pay double for some basic painting and though Emma thought he was crazy, she also loved how dedicated he was to seeing her happy and comfortable.

“We’re off to get the colors right now.” Killian looked at Emma to check that was okay and she nodded, secretly delighted that he was so invested in this.

“Great, thanks mate, see you then.” Killian hung up the phone and turned his attention and his grin towards Emma.

“Graham will meet us at the hardware store in an hour and he and his guys can get any necessary work done by end of day tomorrow. Whatever you want, Emma.”

“You have no preferences?” He shook his head.

“Only that you choose whatever strikes your fancy, and that your selections make you feel comfortable in our home.”

“But it’s ours. You should contribute too.” He smirked at that.

“I will, Emma, but I also know that you’ll go out into the world thinking of this place as ours. You know me by now, and I trust your instincts implicitly.” He extended his right hand and she took it willingly, moving closer to rest her head on his shoulder for a moment.

This was really one of the greatest gifts he could give her, because as an artist, and someone whose whole life was considering what worked and what didn’t work aesthetically for her, having things not exactly so would cause some friction in her mind. The fact that Killian knew that, and that he seemed to understand meant the world and she was so grateful for the fact that he would take the day and go with her to make these choices. Emma was struck again by just how wonderful life was now that she had him back.

“I love you.” He brought her hand to his lips to kiss gently.

“As I love you, Swan.”

…………

Storybrooke Hardware was a place that Emma knew very well. As an independent kind of person, she’d often opted to handle any projects that came along in her home and her shop herself. Emma was the kind of person who would repaint the rooms in her apartment at least once a year, just to keep things fresh and exciting. Couple that with the fact that Leroy, the owner, had gone out of his way to keep finer metal working tools in stock for her specifically, and she was as close to a regular here as one could be.

When she entered today, with Killian in tow, it had not gone unnoticed, and they hadn’t set ten feet into the store when Leroy called out to her.

“So you finally brought the boyfriend. Good for you, kid. Just don’t let him break anything.” Killian looked slightly aghast at the comment, and when Leroy left their immediate proximity he commented to Emma.

“First of all, strange that he calls you ‘kid.’ Surely he’s not that old. And second, Leroy has fast become a fixture in my bar, but suddenly I’m just the boyfriend. This is a strange town you’ve chosen for us, Swan.” Emma laughed at that, because really, how could she argue with that? Storybrooke was unique and a little bizarre for sure, but she loved it, and she could tell that Killian was quickly growing just as fond of it as she was.

They moved through the aisles until finally making it to the paints, and Emma felt the rush of excitement that came every time she got to infuse her style into something. Part of her was a little saddened by the fact that they wouldn’t be doing the actual painting, but then she remembered the stink of the fumes and how though she always had fun, she also always had a headache by days end. This time she could avoid that, which was certainly something to appreciate. She and Killian discussed different ideas, tossing out their own opinions, which almost always lined up, but Emma noticed that his presence opened a lot of interruptions from the other shoppers. Usually when she was here, people left her alone, this time however, it was like every single patron of the little store had to have a conversation.

“You kids are just so cute.” Mrs. Keebler’s comment was not the first of its kind, though Emma did appreciate the old woman’s kindness. That being said, how did one respond to that?

“Thank you, I think I’ll keep him.” She joked and Mrs. Keebler laughed.

“See that you do, dear. I heard from Milly McDonald that Graham Huntsman and his crew have been hired for some last minute work thanks to your beau here. This is a very romantic gesture. You are a very lucky girl.” With that, she left Emma with Killian who was grinning like an idiot.

“Hear that, Swan? You’re a very lucky girl to have me as your beau.”

“You know, I’m aware of that, but it would be nice to hear some of these old ladies saying that you’re the lucky one.” Killian wrapped his arms around her.

“I think it simply goes without saying that there is no man on earth blessed with as much as I am in having your love, Emma.”

And just like that she melted, besides the paint cans and the wooden stirrers. Killian had that kind of power over her, sure and precise and unthreatening. The words, as cheesy as they could have been construed, sparked that last bit of inspiration.

“Hold that thought.” Emma moved behind him to the swatches she’d just been pouring over and selected three gradations of brown until finally finding the right one.

“Pirate’s Promise.” She flashed the lighter shade at him and he smiled.

“It’s a lovely color, Emma, I grant you, but what could possibly have prompted that from what I said.” She shrugged and smiled.

“I don’t know.”

“Yes you do, love.” He moved closer, placing a hand on her hip and she warmed at his touch.

“Sometimes you just talk like a pirate.”

“My professions of love pass my lips and you hear, ‘argh matey?’” She laughed, running a hand over his chest.

“No, I was thinking more Westley from the Princess Bride, devilishly handsome, hopelessly in love with a feisty blonde. Ringing a bell at all?” Killian pulled her in for a kiss so hot, there was no way it should have happened in a hardware store, but regardless of place, Emma was lost in it, aching for closeness and needing the feel of him all over her.

“Our story is so much better, love. I promise.” Emma sighed at that, she dug her fingers into the cotton of his shirt, wishing terribly that they were back home so she could show him just how much she loved his words.

“Mr. Jones, I’m sorry to interrupt, but Graham sent me over to pick up the paints you’ve chosen.” Emma looked over at the college-aged boy who was clearly a bit embarrassed to have to do this and laughter bubbled in her chest.

“Right then, here they are.” Killian gently took the three swatches from Emma and handed them over telling him which went in each room. With just a slight bow, the boy left them alone once more.

“Now, Swan. I believe we have a few more stops to make don’t we?” He offered his arm and she gladly took it, following him out of the store and off on the next domestic adventure.

…………

This had easily become one of Emma’s favorite days, filled with laughter and cute moments, but this might actually the cake. She was standing in the middle of the furniture gallery, surrounded by a sea of sofas, as Killian was being informed what Netflix and chill was by the young man trying to sell them the right couch.

“You know, man, sometimes you put on the movie but what you really wanted was…” Killian looked confused and the expression on his face was so adorable, that Emma had to cover her mouth to keep from giggling.

“To chill?” Killian’s response had the sales guy looking relieved.

“Exactly, man. But like it’s a euphemism.”

“For what?” Emma pulled Killian down closer to her and whispered in his ear.

“Sex, Killian. Substitute the chill for sex.”

“Oh, right, well.”

Killian was scratching behind his ear with a little bit of bashfulness and Emma took pity on him despite her overwhelming desire to laugh, telling the sales rep what there color scheme was and the dimensions they were looking for. She kept it light and professional, no more euphemisms, but when she looked at Killian for his opinion on every couch, he kept quiet as a fire burned brighter in his gaze.

“You can’t stop thinking about it, can you?” Killian shook his head.

“No, love. Now the question has become less about what goes with the overall look and what would be the best one to take you on.” Emma flushed a deep red at the statement.

“Of course, so what are the criteria? Strength, comfort and size?”

“Aye, love. When it comes to more than those three things, I’m operating at a loss.”

“Here, this one has all that. Tell me what you think?” Emma took a seat, instantly falling in love with this sofa and really wanting him to say yes. He sat down beside her, pulling her close and whispering in her ear.

“I can see many a night spent here, watching Netflix, and having very little chill between us.” Emma cleared her throat and tore her gaze from his burning blue eyes, looking at the associate.

“We’ll take this one.” The guy walked off to make a note of it and add that to the other inventory they’d selected and Emma felt Killian’s arms around her tighten just a bit, but she stood up, not wanting them to get sidetracked.

“Let’s go look at the last room, just make sure there isn’t anything else we want.” Killian’s responding smirk had Emma pressing her legs together, and she was damn sure that he could read her like a book in this moment, but he went along with her suggestion.

In the final room, Emma saw deeper, richer woods than had been in the earlier galleries, and a craftsmanship that made every piece seem homemade instead of off an assembly line. While their home’s personal style didn’t require all unique pieces, this smaller room was striking, and from a design standpoint, she could definitely appreciate the work and effort that would go in to each and every piece. Emma took a stroll around the room, admiring the work, but turned to find that Killian was not beside her, instead, he had stayed back towards the entrance near a beautifully ornate rocking chair. Emma went back to ask him about it.

“You want to try it out?” Emma asked and Killian shook his head.

“No, love, I want you to try it out.” Emma’s brow rose in surprise but she did just that, loving the feel of the hard wood that was crafted beautifully into a comfortable chair. It rocked just enough, the action smooth and sure, and Emma smiled, enjoying the feeling.

“I never really thought to have a rocking chair. Always assumed that was more a golden years thing.” But her teasing didn’t light up his features the way she expected. He seemed so serious, so full of emotion that she had to reach out her hand and take his.

“Talk to me: are we liking this, are we not liking it? What’s going on inside your head right now?” Emma watched as Killian shifted uneasily before coming out with it.

“My mother had one of these, to get Liam and I back to sleep after a rough night, or calm us in a moment of sadness. I always pictured having one for my kids as well.” Emma smiled at that, not knowing such a connection to the chair herself, but understanding how just the action of rocking could have such impact.

“So it’s a happy feeling, but you still look so… strange right now.” He ran a hand through his hair.

“It’s just hit me that I’ll never need this unless I can have it with you, Emma. You’re the only woman in the world I could ever imagine raising a family with, the only one I love enough to want these happy memories. I prefer to be honest with you love, I don’t say this to scare you, but every fiber of my being is crying out to buy this so that someday, if you’ll let me, we can use it for our kids.”

Emma rose from the seat and pulled him close, wrapping her arms around him and making sure he was looking right at her, so that he could see she meant every word of what she was about to say.

“I love kids, and I want them too. Only with you, because you’re the only person I could ever trust enough to not let me mess it up. So we’re getting this chair, and even if it goes unused for a long time, that’s okay. It’ll be the representation of that dream that we both have, okay?”

He nodded and she pulled him down for a kiss, truly not giving the slightest care that they were in the middle of the gallery. It was hot and real and true, and when they finally pulled back, Emma flagged down their attendant, told him they’d take it, and hastily led Killian out of the store. After a day of brimming emotions, she was desperately in the mood to practice for this newfound dream of theirs.

Post-Note: Hope that you guys liked this installment! Cute couple moments in a hardware store and then picking out furniture are exactly what I want for Captain Swan. Unfortunately, they specialize in fighting off magical foe, so we will likely never see that on the show, but heck, that’s what fics are for right?

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 15th April 2018 -- Extended Super Deluxe Version 3 & Knuckles

Holy busy week on the charts-ioli! There are nine new arrivals this week – two of which sample the exact same Lauryn Hill song - so let’s just get on with it, shall we?

Top 10

Drake... Thank you. Thank you for being such a streaming Cookie Monster that your new track, “Nice for What”, debuted at the top. Please stay. I don’t want the dreck one space below it to even see another week in the top ten, let alone at the top of the charts.

What is that dreck, you ask? Well, unfortunately to you and fortunately to me, I shall refuse to repeat its name until it exits the top 40. Google it! I won’t waste any more space in my show to talk about this trash.

At number-three, we have our second new arrival in the top five, “One Kiss” by infuriatingly hit-and-miss producer Calvin Harris and the latest of many of his pop girls that he can just grab out of a bucket for a quick smash (hit, for all you people with minds in the gutter), Dua Lipa.

Sadly, that means that “These Days” by Rudimental featuring Jess Glynne, Dan Caplen and the return of the Macklemore, has dipped down two spaces to number-four.

“Paradise” by George Ezra also took a small one-position hit to number-five, but if you care about that song’s existence, you’re a terrible liar.

“Friends” by Marshmello and Anne-Marie won’t budge at number-six. Good for them, I suppose.

“This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble streams down (no pun intended) four spaces to number-seven.

“Feel it Still” by Portugal. The Man, the most unlikely sleeper hit of this year – and that’s only because it was a hit LAST year in the US – has been taken down a notch or two... or three, to number-eight at its thirty-seventh week in the chart.

“Lullaby” by Sigala featuring Paloma Faith at number-nine won’t go away!

Although the saddest drop here is Post Malone’s “Psycho” featuring Ty Dolla $ign, dropping two spaces to number-ten. Am I the only one who wanted this to hit the top, especially after it got a video and noticeably an increase in radio play? No? Well, let’s just get on with the climbers.

Climbers

“Love Lies” by Khalid and Normani grows on both me and the charts, where it took a five-space jump to #18... but that’s it in terms of anything notable. I could talk about Bebe Rexha and B Young possibly getting a top ten hit as they creep up into the top 15, but they’re not really having immense leaps so I’ll decline.

Fallers

She says, “do you love me?” I tell her, “only partly. This forced meme couldn’t give my song boosts while it’s charting.”

Talking about forced memes, I apologise for possibly the cringiest passage I’ve written on this show thus far, but the content still rings true, as Drake’s “God’s Plan” just kind of cannonballs from its

number-one spot it had just two weeks ago, dropping five spaces to #16. The Weeknd sees some falls too, as “Call Out My Name” drops ten spaces to #17, and “Wasted Times” takes a 12-space drop to #30. The biggest story here, however, is Mabel’s “Fine Line” featuring Not3s, just nosediving 20 spots to #35. Damn, these new arrivals really shook the charts, huh? Talking about losing songs too soon...

Dropouts and Returning Entries

We have a whole lot to mourn here, with some damn good songs like “Havana” by Camila Cabello featuring Young Thug, “Tip Toe” by Jason Derulo featuring French Montana, “Blinded by Your Grace, Pt. 2” by Stormzy featuring MNEK as well as “Mine” by Bazzi (which still might rebound next week due to the album) all dropping out from #34, #40, #39 and #27 respectively. We also have the not-as-sad losses of “Never be the Same” by Camila Cabello from #20, “New Rules” by Dua Lipa from #37, “Let Me Go” by Hailee Steinfeld and Alesso featuring Florida Georgia Line and Watt from #38, and “Strangers” by Sigrid from #35. We also have some absolute collapses for “Try Me” by The Weeknd from #17 and “Check” by Kojo Funds and RAYE from #32, both of which are not even in the top 75 anymore. Rest in peace to all of you, but good riddance to some.

“Pray for Me” by The Weeknd and Kendrick Lamar also returned to #32. I don’t know why but I really don’t care – this song doesn’t really deserve the attention.

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “I Like It” – Cardi B featuring Bad Bunny and J Balvin

People who follow me on Twitter know that I listened to Cardi B’s album, Invasion of Privacy, and wasn’t too big of a fan. This track, however, was definitely one of my favourites out of the bunch. Some part of me just absolutely loves that delicious Pete Rodriguez sample, providing Cardi with a Latin-infused trap beat that matches her bombast and simple yet effective flow. Those horns are just beautiful, and I love how the vocal samples play into Cardi’s hook and her “woo!” ad-libs that are just injected with fun. Bad Bunny’s deeper growl is entirely different from his sadboi moaning on his last single, “Amorfoda”, but damn, if it doesn’t still impress, with a melodic flow and Daddy Yankee inflections. Oh, yeah, J Balvin is here with some Lady Gaga references, but his autotuned bounce is completely drowned out by this crazy instrumental. Cardi, don’t do anything else. I like it like this.

#39 – “Mad Love” – Sean Paul featuring Becky G and David Guetta

Why does David Guetta get a featuring credit? Sure, he produced the track but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t give you free range to a feature, especially when producers usually (should) get credited for their work anyway. Well, is the song any good? No. I can tell you that. The watery synths that introduce the track are just kind of... pathetic? As are Becky’s attempts at Jamaican inflections, and Sean Paul’s as-always infuriatingly mediocre bars, coupled with his hilariously careless “singing” on the pre-chorus. Don’t give me “Fake Love” flashbacks. All that, however, can’t really distract me from the fact that maybe Guetta deserves his featuring credit, as his dancehall-influenced beat has some buzzing synths and clattering drums on the chorus that just make everything so much more exciting and... “mad”. Despite by enjoyment of Guetta’s instrumental, I can’t dig Becky or Paul here, so I think I’ll give it a skip if you can’t look past the vocals.

#38 – “Dancing” – Kylie Minogue

Man, it’s hard to believe that Kylie Minogue of all people has a song that takes ages to get to the top 40 after bubbling under for weeks on end, but yeah, I can understand why, because this track has an identity crisis. Is it country? Is it just some of what Minogue does best, bubblegum dance-pop? Who knows? Who cares? Well, Minogue does, obviously, as she tries to pull off a country twang and a melody that I don’t think she can really handle anymore on the chorus. The instrumental is the least notable thing here, especially with that weak drop – well, that is, if you ignore the pop-by-the-numbers writing. That one line as the hook – “when I go out, I want to go out dancing”. Yeah, maybe, you should stay home tonight, Minogue, as if you’ve lost your touch on making damn good pop jams, you’re probably not too great on the floor, either. Sorry.

#37 – “I See You Shining” – Nines

I feel like Patrick Star when I see these nobodies creep into the top 40 on this show sometimes. Who are you people? This one bothers me especially, mostly because of how terrible the name of this act is. Nines? What, are there bands called Sevens and Eights that just couldn’t blow up? Are you going all Timberlake on us and being dressed up the nines? Actually, looking at this dude, I don’t exactly think he is – no shade and he doesn’t look bad, particularly, but the dude’s not wearing a suit and tie or anything. Apparently, he also goes by Nina with the Nina. I see... Well, since I’m supposed to be talking about the song here, I suppose I should mention how it sucks. It’s just some more generic braggadocios faux-reggae faux-grime nonsense with a nice vocal sample, if anything. Nines has very little of a presence. It reminds me of the trap-rap you poor Yankees get oversaturated with, but with a bit more energy and more cluttered instrumentals. I’m just getting sick of this new brand of bore-hop, with the stale reggaeton drum patterns and the uninterested MCs.

#27 – “Be Careful” – Cardi B

Yo, Cardi, why’d you have to be so brutal on Offset? What did he do except be somewhat homophobic, possibly a cheating jerk and a terrible liar...? Yeah, maybe, I get why she had to go in on this dude, and I can buy her aggression with the Wii Shopping Channel synths and the occasional reverb-soaked shrieks of some person saying “yeah”, which I assume is a twisted sample of the classic “yeah! Woo!” break, but I’m not entirely sure. Cardi’s singing doesn’t totally impress, but it does its job at making elevator music somehow threatening (despite her insisting that it’s NOT a threat) and pretty awesome, which it really shouldn’t be. Sure, it does feel monotonous, but it’s a pretty nice love-on-the-rocks track, with a catchy hook to boot. However, it’s not the best song to sample Lauryn Hill’s “X-Factor” that debuted this week.

Fun fact: Lauryn Hill’s song also samples a Wu-Tang Clan song which samples a Barbra Streisand song, so I imagine Marvin Hamlisch and his team, writers of “The Way We Were”, is getting royalties upon royalties for the decades of use his song had. That also means that “Be Careful” has like seventeen credited writers, but that’s besides the point. The song’s decent.

#25 – “Answerphone” – Banx & Ranx and Ella Eyre featuring Yxng Bane

I’ve heard of these artists before several times in passing, mostly because Ella Eyre is one of UK’s favourite feature-pop girls, Yxng Bane has charted last week and Banx & Ranx did a few Gorillaz remixes last year. I didn’t really know how they’d mesh, but I did know what to expect – a boring dancehall track with some autotuned rapping from Bane and serviceable vocals from Ella Eyre.

Yep, I was right. Eyre has a slightly smoky voice here, which can sound croaky and unfitting against the bouncy dancehall production and looping melodies on the keys, along with an ugly synth tone and a stale but notably somewhat garage-influenced drum pattern that speeds the song up enough for it to not become boring. Yxng Bane has like 20 seconds of the song, and I’m glad, because he’s not very interesting here at all, and I wouldn’t want this song to be longer than the three minutes and eleven seconds that it is, otherwise it’d be pretty gratingly snooze-worthy. If you have insomnia, I recommend this instead of ASMR or whatever you find on the Internet, because this will definitely send you to sleep.

Well, now we have our three big ‘uns, starting with...

#14 – “Dreams” – Ruti

Who? What? Where? When? How? Let me repeat that first one, who? That’s the problem with these reality shows – they have much more of an effect on the UK charts and honestly, I couldn’t care less for who wins; I just watch the auditions. Ruti here is the winner of The Voice UK this year, and on her debut single, she covers a Cranberries song that I hadn’t heard prior, “Dreams”. Hence, after listening to this decent enough albeit bland piano-lead rendition with a shaky vocal performance from Ruti, I listened to the original version and realised that I really could have gone without knowing Syco put their turn-songs-to-snoozefests hands on it.

#3 – “One Kiss” – Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa

Calvin and Hobbes bring us some by-the-numbers slightly tropically-tinged EDM-infused electropop, with a decent synth melody and some interesting vocal samples, as well as experimentation on the drop that is just kind of all over the place and balls to the wall, with its deep samples of Dua singing “one”, brief blips of a horn riff, a reversed percussion pattern and a whole lot of pointless synth noise.

That’s really all I can say about this. For the first time from Dua Lipa and the seventy-eighth time from Calvin Harris, all I can say is that it exists and I’m entirely indifferent on it. Sorry.

#1 – “Nice For What” – Drake

So, this is the biggest debut, because of course, it’s Drake, and, yeah, guys, as much as I hate this dude’s lack of charisma and overall just boring flow, writing and even beat choice, he’s won me over on this one. Big Freedia starts the track with a few drum fills and distorted shouting, before the pitched-up Lauryn Hill sample (I told you it’d come back) enters like a Kanye track from 2004, and the percussion hits heavy as with nearly all of Drake’s singles. Then Drake starts spitting with delivery I’ve never heard from him before – a Kanye-like melodic hook as well as a repetitive but effective flow in the verses as he talks about this girl that “hits them motherf***ing angles”. Big Freedia then comes back to break it down into the chopped sample hook as Drake chops his own verse up, creating a weirdly jerky experience. If she hits them angles, you’re hitting the gym because this is the strongest single I’ve heard from Drake in years. Congratulations, my man, you deserve this number-one! It’s probably the best I’ve heard for a long time.

Conclusion

Damn, Drake really takes the cake with “Nice for What” running with Best of the Week, with tied Honourable Mentions for both of Cardi B’s debuts. Worst of the Week... I can’t really say anything here is outright bad, but I suppose Kylie Minogue takes it with “Dancing” while Dishonourable Mention goes to “Dreams” by Ruti for taking all of the excitement out of an excellent song. See ya next week!