#god knows i got so suicidal during the 3 years i was in higher education

[causalityparadoxes]

If i had a penny for every time I saw the most braindead, authoritarian ass kissing, take on Home Education? I'd be so rich

Some of yall looooove to preach anarchism, socialism, general anti capitalist 'takes a village' non-nuclear family social concepts.

But the MOMENT someone mentions that hey isn't state/public school is kind of fucked up and literally designed to keep the poors off the streets and funnled into low income work? Maybe I'll try something else with my kids? Right back to fascist ass kissing.

Like god forbid we allow alternate forms of education. God forbid we allow social protest. God forbid theres an option to take children out of abusive school enviroments without being thrown in prison. God forbid there's alternate options for disabled children that don't force them into 'special classes' if the state thinks they're too disabled or given no accommodations if it thinks they're not disabled enough.

The moment it comes to a kid's autonomy and not being forced into actively harmful environments? Its right back to 'think of the children 😱' conservative bullshit and workhouse apologism. Its not based on facts, because that would show Home Ed kids achieve just as well in the end. Its based on rightwing style emotional politics. Get fucked honestly.

I am not your little victim. I am not a brainwashed religous nut. I am a leftwing socialist BECAUSE i was raised in an anti-authoritarian style of education which focused on my autonomy and interests.

[generaldisdainn]

Talk Therapy Chapter 3

Summary: Anna is engaged to the charming Hans, but Elsa has some concerns about the arrangement. Much to Anna's dismay, Elsa encourages her to seek out a professional opinion before going through with the marriage. That leads Anna into Kristoff Bjorgman's office where she is, with the help of her caring therapist, finally able to come to terms with the fact that maybe her relationship with Hans isn't all she thought it was.

[CONTENT WARNING: Descriptions of emotional manipulation/abuse]

AO3 link

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Anna stepped into the foyer of Hans’ home, shoes clicking against the marble flooring and echoing through the tall, barren ceilings. Hans’ house was pristine in nature, white and sterile in every sense of the words. The walls were tall and daunting at first, but Anna had learned to find solace within them. Where her parents had been taken away from her, Hans had come in and swept her off her feet, providing her love and comfort when she needed it most. College had been fun and she loved her friends, classes, and professors, but being so far away from her sister and losing both of her parents so suddenly had taken its toll, and she had found comfort in spending nights in his arms.

“Hans?” she called. Her voice bounced back to her, resonating through the room. He must not have been home yet.

Anna sighed and bounded over to the couch, slouching down and placing her feet up on the coffee table. Hans hated it when she laid around all over his nice furniture, a preference she was happy to respect when he was around, but a line she delicately snuck across whenever she was alone. The house felt so quiet and lonely, but she knew he would be home soon.

It was always a toss-up as to what mood Hans would be in after work. Sometimes he would have just closed a sales deal and they would watch movies and laugh and he would pull her into him and tell her how much he cared for her. Other times he would come in from a particularly bad day and he would criticize, snarl, and bat her away when she attempted to comfort him. She knew it wasn’t his fault. The amount of pressure he was under as the son of the CEO of the company was something she could never understand. He was in charge of a considerable amount of people, and the stress of it all frequently bubbled over into anger. She knew she couldn’t blame him. Better to take it out on her than his coworkers and risk getting fired. And besides, a particularly rough night meant that there would be flowers on the table the next morning, so she could hardly complain.

Anna checked the time and rose with a start. He would be home in less than 30 minutes. She bustled to the kitchen, eager to get started on their dinner so that, at the very least, if he came home upset and jaded, he couldn’t complain about dinner not being made on time.

The front door opened and shut with a ceremonious slam. Anna felt her heart stop as she waited for his first words. The first thing he said when he came in the door was a reliable indicator of how the rest of the night would go.

“It smells delicious in here,” Hans sighed as he came around the corner and into the kitchen. Anna let out a breath as he kissed her forehead. “I’m making chicken alfredo. I’m warming up bread too,” she said, motioning to the oven. “How was your day at work?”

“We got that new client! God, it was incredible. Anna, you should have seen it. One of the other managers was fumbling with them and I swooped in and saved the day.”

Anna giggled. She loved when he was happy like this. “I’m so glad. You’re amazing.” She set the table. Hans sat at the head, and she placed his food in front of him before returning to the kitchen to retrieve her own.

“Can you grab some butter for the bread while you’re in there, dearest?”

Anna stopped in her tracks. Shit. She was supposed to go to the store today to pick up butter and wine and milk and-

“Anna?”

Anna spun on her heel, facing him with pleading eyes and hands outstretched in defense. “I’m so sorry, but I forgot to go to the store today. I promise I’ll go first thing tomorrow and get everything. I-”

“What could you have possibly been doing today other than going to the store?” he questioned.

“I’m sorry, I got side-tracked.”

“Doing what?”

“Cleaning, and, I got lunch with Elsa, I’m-” It was a lie, but one that she was willing to tell. Anything to avoid him finding out she was in therapy.

“Elsa.” Hans held his face in his hands, rubbing his temples. “You forgot to go to the store, and you saw Elsa? You know how I feel about her.”

“I know, but she’s my sister. I can’t just not-”

“She hates me, Anna.” He cut her off with a seething tone and a hand slammed to the table.  “How do you think that makes me feel? I would never spend time with someone who didn’t approve of you.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Guilt pricked at her sides. She didn’t mean to hurt him by seeing her, but Elsa was her sister.

“Silly girl. I don’t know how you expect to go to grad school if you can’t manage something simple like picking up butter from the grocery store.”

“That’s different,” she replied.  

Hans threw his head back and groaned. “Anna, let’s not get into this now. Just sit down and let’s try to enjoy what you actually remembered to do.”

Anna nodded and ate her dinner in silence, listening to Hans prattle on about the sale he had made today.

Hans made a show of throwing the bread away after dinner. “No point in eating bread without butter,” he complained. She wanted to say how wasteful and childish that was, but Anna bit her lip. She knew better. It was her fault that the bread was being put to waste, anyway. Hans retired to his office, and Anna went up to their room to have a moment to herself.

She made her way to the bathroom and locked the door, confident that even if Hans wondered what she was up to, she could just say she was using the restroom or cleaning up the space. If he asked about the locked door, well, she would come up with something. Hidden away in the bathroom, she pulled out the papers that had been weighing in her purse since her meeting with Kristoff. She sat on the floor, paper and pen poised against the linoleum tiles, the coolness of the surface below her creeping up into her skin. She turned her eyes to the questions at hand.

How would you rate your sense of self-esteem? How would you describe yourself? What are your best qualities? What are your worst qualities? How would you describe a perfect life? If you could change anything about your life, what would you change?

What would her perfect life look like? Parents who were still alive. A sister who had been around her for longer than just one year. An elementary school class of her own. A husband who let her go to grad school and get her teaching degree.

Anna shook off the thought. She was lucky to be in this house with him. Lucky that he loved her and let her love him.

Have you ever had thoughts of death or suicide? Have you ever engaged in self-destructive behaviors? Do you ever wish you were someone else?

Anna felt her stomach rise up in her throat. She wanted to bury herself beneath the ground and emerge without the memories of the days spent alone in her dorm room staring blankly at the wall or of sneaking to the bathroom to cry, quietly shutting the door behind her as to not wake Hans.

She felt childish. Stupid. She felt hot tears pricking in her eyes, the memories and Hans’ words from earlier swimming around in her brain until she could no longer think clearly. Why couldn’t she be better? For Hans and for herself. A tear fell onto the paper. Anna stood and made her way to her desk in their bedroom. No more of those questions. She needed to stop and just breathe. Anna pulled up her laptop and wiped a shaky hand across her cheek to stop a stay tear that leaked out of her eye. She opened up Google and typed.

Kristoff Bjorgman

The words seemed to pulse in the Google search bar. She clicked in the enter key and results popped up one after another. A picture of Kristoff showed up on the side of the screen, a soft smile splayed out across his face. She felt some of her anxiety dissipate at the sight of his warm, brown eyes. That was the only image of him she could find, save for one of a small group of smiling students, heads held high. He stood out of the bunch due to his height and the soft, tousled blonde of his hair. She clicked on the link. The image was attached to a story about the graduating class of his master’s program. She was impressed, intimidated even. Getting any sort of higher education was an honor and something to be proud of. It was hard work, something that Hans often reminded her she wasn’t ready for. He was right, of course. But she would be. One day.

She clicked on a link that had his name followed by the words “Student Profile, Class of 2017”.

The picture with his warm eyes and shy smile sat proudly at the top of the page. She spent a moment looking at it, letting herself fall into his eyes and recall the gentle lull of his voice. A graduate of University of Washington’s master program in psychology, the article said that he graduated with honors and started the practicum hours needed to become licensed immediately following graduation. Anna took in all she could about this man.

“My school counselor helped me greatly as a child. I want to provide that same support that I received to children who need to be heard. People often forget that childhood can be just as difficult as adulthood and that children greatly need mental health support.” Anna could hear the quote in his voice, gentle and smooth like a lullaby. Kristoff was so sure of himself and seemed so calm and together during their session. It pained her to envision a Kristoff who sat alone and afraid in a school counselor's office. What could he have needed that support for?

She kept going, finding herself reading a quote from one of his professors. “Bjorgman consistently impressed me with his desire to find the whole picture and address the underlying roots of situations as opposed to just the obvious quick fixes. Intuitive and calming, he will be an excellent psychologist to whichever populations he chooses to serve.” Anna had only been with Kristoff for an hour-long session, and yet, she agreed with every word of the article. She scrolled back up to the top of the page and sighed as she saw his picture. Intuitive. Calming. Dreamy.

“Anna, dear? Are you okay?”

Anna’s breath hitched in her throat. She slammed the lid of her laptop shut and scrambled to shove the papers into the drawer of her desk. “Yes! Yes, I’m fine,” she called, cursing herself for the tremble in her voice.

“What have you been up to up here? I’ve missed you,” he cooed, striding over to where she stood at attention by her desk. He trailed a finger along her cheek. “I’ve been working terribly hard, and I would love to relieve some stress in bed tonight.”

Anna smiled, relieved that he didn’t press her on her scrambling to put her things away or bring her mistakes from earlier back up. She was almost giddy with excitement. She was being offered a chance to make up for her earlier mistakes, a chance to prove herself. And besides, she knew that it would be in her best interest if she wanted her loving Hans tomorrow and not the cross one she got whenever he went to bed with unrelieved stress.

“Of course,” she replied, happy to be useful to him. Happy to be needed. So lucky to be loved by him.

[isamabella]

Any tips for those of us going into our freshman year of college? Thank you for your time!

 Sooooo I definitely accidentally wrote you a literal 2 page essay with horrible grammar so im very very sorry ahead of time and I'm sure you regret asking😬

I think the first thing that comes to mind is be flexible. I used to plan out classes months ahead of time and make back up plans. That’s great, but freshman got last pick for classes. Even more if your last name was toward the end of the alphabet like mine. This meant classes I planned ahead of time were waitlisted or closed by the time I could enroll. This often left me frantic even though it it worked out every time. The Nevada higher education system also “encourages” students to take 15 credits per semester instead of 12. By encourage, I mean threatening to take financial aid away. I think knowing that was hanging over my head and ability to pay for school only made it worse. So yes, make a plan, but don’t be so rigid that you’re basically anxious every day because of it. Most people change majors multiple times. I changed it 3 times in a year and a half. If you decide to do a minor, don’t feel pressure to make it related to whatever your career goals are. I did my bachelors in public health with a minor in addiction treatment services. They went well together, but I chose the minor because I was interested in it. If you want to be an art major with a biology minor, go for it.

Find balance! I struggle with this constantly and I’m 6 years and two degrees in. I won’t tell you not to procrastinate, because that’s how I operate. So many people would tell me to “just get it done early”. It’s just not how I work even now. I will say try not to binge study. Even when you’re studying the night before an exam, take breaks. It probably sounds like common sense, but just like times when I procrastinate, I also have the terrible habit of trying to learn everything at once. I did this the other day actually. I learned 148 anatomical terms and locations in about 7 hours for a 15 question quiz. I should’ve taken breaks and spread out the time frame.

Professors! You’re going to have some loose butthole professors. Generally though, just be respectful of them. College students can be massive assholes toward the professors, don’t be another one. I’d also encourage utilizing office hours. I never did and I actually think I put myself at a disadvantage. Oh! I was a TA my senior year for my friend’s class. From my perspective as a TA, once again don’t be a jerk. Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help. From experience, professors want to help. Side note, some like hearing you liked the topic and stuff like that. Especially when it’s a rough class. Be genuine though. Don’t do it to suck up. It’s hard to teach huge classes. My friend’s was 180 the semester I was his TA. There were a couple times when he just said he was done teaching for the day, because of how terrible some of the students were being in class. Most professors are trying their best. Remember that. They’re human too.

Kind of odd, but please know how to write an email! One of my many roommates I’ve had over the years took the class I TA’d with her friend. Her friend emailed me asking about the midterm. The problem was that her email didn't have her actual name, there was no general greeting like “hey”, there was no signature, AND no subject line. So I didn’t answer it. She ended up asking me when she was at my apartment one night why I didn't answer. You won’t get an answer if you don’t do the bare minimum of writing a decent email.

Know your student ID number. You may or may not need it, but know it or have it on your phone in case.

For the love of god, if you need a question answered for a class, check the syllabus multiple times before emailing. Kind of related, I work at one of my school’s offices, and the idea of researching applies here too. I can’t tell you how many times students ask why they got kicked out of classes or why they didn’t graduate. It usually comes down to whether they actually paid their fees. Sometimes they don’t even declare a program! They don’t look at their school account regularly where they would see all this info. One graduate student actually told me they didn’t know why the school was threatening to kick them out of classes. What happened is that they enrolled in a class after school started and didn’t pay for it. They thought they did by magic I guess, because even though they thought they paid it, they also said they didn’t make an actual payment. PLEASE DON’T BE THAT STUDENT. Know how to register for classes, be aware of enrollment deadlines, and tuition deadlines too. On that note, MEET WITH YOUR ADVISOR BEFORE YOU ENROLL EACH SEMESTER. They’re there to help you! My undergrad advisor switched my curriculum to the newer one my junior year so I didn’t have to take an extra class.

Don’t be afraid to try out new things. I was always afraid to go into theatre or participate in other clubs. I regret that so much to this day. For me, it wasn’t even about making friends. It was about gaining new experiences and exploring what I liked. So if your school does a club fair- virtual or otherwise- go for it and try something out. You don’t have to commit, but it’s worth a try!

Know your resources! That professor I’m friends with? He talks to students about addiction, suicide, sexual assault, and just life in general. Before working with him as a part of  two student organizations, I didn’t know how to help myself or others in situations like I mentioned earlier. School wasn’t very good about putting out those resources, because colleges in general don't want to admit these are issues students deal with. My school has counseling, $5 therapy by the grad students getting licensed, and a school psychiatrist. I’d recommend knowing how to get in touch with all your school’s mental health resources. Remember, you don’t have to be in crisis to go to therapy.

BIGGEST LESSON:

You’ll be studying and doing homework a lot, so really try enjoy everything else. I’m a huge introvert so I basically have about 1 really good friend from school and he was my professor (the one I TA’d for). I love him to death, but I wish I wasn’t so worried about what others thought (and still think) about me. I don’t drink or use drugs so it was really hard finding people that didn’t pressure or question my decisions about it. Find your people. If they’re not right for you, don’t be afraid to let them go. That’s probably the biggest piece of advice I would give myself 5 years ago. The good times aren’t worth it if your friends cause you to feel bad during the rest of the time. I can honestly say the “friend” group I had for most of undergrad was the root of my sudden depressive episodes, disordered eating behaviors, constant anger that I internalized, and engaging in behaviors that I didn’t know were considered to be on the suicidal ideation scale. It was an endless cycle. They weren't bad people, but they were bad for me. I think it took years to finally come to terms with it, because prior to college, I never had problems with friends and I was never involved in drama so I had no clue how I was supposed to handle all the problems. The cherry on top was that I lived with these people so I couldn’t just leave. In retrospect, I think those friendships were borderline emotionally and mental abusive. The constant walking on eggshells because of the hot and cold environment was a lot. Know your worth and enjoy your college time!

Sorry for the novel, but there was just so much to write about. If there’s something specific, let me know and I’ll try and help. :)

@archetypal-archivist